#i seriously just want to get over it. i hate that i need to dissociate to be around them

[jewelleria]

I don’t usually talk about politics on here, if ever. But it’s been almost six months since the conflict in the Middle East flared up again, and I’m finally ready to start. Here are some of my thoughts.

I say ‘flared up’ because this has happened before and it’ll happen again. Because, even though what's currently going on is absolutely unprecedented, those of us who live in this part of the world are used to it. Let that sink in: we are used to this. And we shouldn’t have to be. 

But I use that term for another reason: I don't want to accidentally call it the wrong thing lest I come under fire for being a genocidal maniac or a terrorist or a propaganda machine, etc., etc.—so let’s just call it ‘the war’ or ‘the conflict.’ Because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter which side you’re on, who you love, or who you hate. 

This post will, in all likelihood, sit in my drafts forever. If it does get posted, it certainly won’t be on my main, because I'm scared of being harassed (spoiler: she posted it on her main). I hate admitting that, but honestly? I’m fucking terrified. 

I also feel like in order for anything I say on here (i.e. the hellscape of the internet) to be taken seriously, I have to somehow prove that a) I’m “educated” enough to talk about the conflict, and b) that my opinion lines up with what has been deemed the correct one. So, tedious and unnecessary though it is, I will tell you about my experience, because I have a feeling most of the people reading this post are not nearly as close to what’s happening as I am.

How do I explain where I live without actually explaining where I live? How do I say “I live in the Red Zone of international conflicts” without saying what I actually think? How do I convey the fear that grips me when I try to decide between saying “I live in Palestine” and “I live in Israel”? I don't really know. But I do know that names are important. I also know that, due to the various clickbaity monikers ascribed to the conflict, it would probably just be easier to point to a map. 

I haven't always lived in the Middle East. I've lived in various places along America’s east coast, and traveled all over the world. But in short, I now live somewhere inside the crudely-drawn purple circle. 

If you know anything about these borders you probably blanched a bit in sympathy, or maybe condolence. But in truth, it’s a shockingly normal existence. I don't feel like I've lived through the shifting of international relations or a war or anything. I just kind of feel like I did when COVID hit, that dull sameness as I wondered if this would be the only world-altering event to shape my life, or if there would be more. 

I've been told that, in order for my brain to process all the horrific details of the past six months, there needs to be some element of cognitive dissonance—that falling into a sort of dissociative mindset is the only way to not go insane under the weight of it all. I think in some ways that’s true. I have been terrifyingly close to bus stop shootings when my commute wasn’t over; I have felt my apartment building shake with the reverberations of a missile strike; I have spent hours in underground shelters waiting for air raid sirens to stop. 

But. I have also gone grocery shopping, and skipped class, and stayed up too late watching TV, and fed the cats on the street corner, and cried over a boy, and got myself AirPods just because, and taken out the trash, and done laundry on a delicate cycle, and bought overpriced lattes one too many days a week. I have looked at pretty things and taken out my phone because, despite it all, I still think that life is too short not to freeze the small moments. 

So I'd say, all things considered, I live an incredibly privileged life—compared, of course, to those suffering in Gaza—one filled with sunsets and over-sweetened knafeh and every different color of sand. One that allows me to throw myself into a fandom-induced hyperfixation (or, alternatively, escape method) as I sit on the couch and crack open my laptop to write the next chapter of the fic I'm working on. 

But there are bits of not-normalness that wheedle their way through the cracks. I pretend these moments are avoidable, even if they’re not. 

They look like this: reading the news and seeing another idiotic, careless choice on Netanyahu’s part and groaning into my morning coffee. Watching Palestinian and Jewish children’s needless suffering posted on Instagram reels and feeling helpless. Opening my Tumblr DMs to find a message telling me to exterminate myself for reblogging a post that only seems like it’s about the war if you squint and tilt your head sideways. 

These moments look like all the tiny ways I am reminded that I'm living in a post-October seventh world, where hearing a car backfire makes me jump out of my skin and the sound of a suitcase on pavement makes me look up at the sky and search for the war planes. They look like the heavy grief that is, and also isn’t, mine. 

Here's the thing, though. I know you’re wondering when the ball will drop and my true opinion will be revealed. I know you’re waiting for me to reveal what demographic I'm a part of so that you, dear reader, can neatly slap a label on my head and sort me into some oversimplified category that lets you continue to think you understand this war. 

No one wants to sit and ruminate on the difficult questions, the ones that make you wonder if maybe you’ve been tinkered with by the propaganda machine, if you might need to go back on what you’ve said or change your mind. We all strive for our perception of complicated issues to be a comfortable one.

But I know that no matter what I do, there will always be assumptions. So, while I shudder to reveal this information online, I think that maybe my most significant contribution to this meta-discussion spanning every facet of the internet is this: 

I am a Jew. 

Or, alternatively, I am: Jewish, יהודית, يَهُودِيٌّ, etc. Point is, I come from Jews. And, like any given person, I am a product of generation after generation of love. 

I'm not going to take time to explain my heritage to you, or to prove that before all the expulsions and pogroms, there was an origin point. If you don’t believe that, perhaps it’s less of a factual problem and more of an ‘I don’t give weight to the beliefs of indigenous people’ problem. But, in case you want to spend time uselessly refuting this tiny point in a larger argument, you can inspect the photos below (it’s just a small chunk of my DNA test results). Alternatively, you can remember that interrogating someone in an attempt to make their indigeneity match your arbitrary criteria is generally not seen as good manners. 

Now, let’s go back to thathateful message (read: poorly disguised death threat) I received in my Tumblr DMs. I think it was like two or three weeks ago. I had recently gained a new follower whose blog’s primary focus was the fandom I contribute to, so I followed them back. I saw in my notes that they were going through my posts and liking them—as one does when gaining a new mutual. Yippee! 

Then they sent me this: 

I tried to explain that hate speech is not a way to go about participating in political discourse, but the person had already blocked me immediately after sending that message. Then, assured by the fact that I surely would never see them complaining about me on their blog (because, as I said, they blocked me), they posted a shouting rant accusing me of sympathizing with colonizing settlers and declaring me a “racist Zionist fuck.” Oh, the wonders of incognito tabs.

Where this person drew these conclusions after reading my (reblogged) post about antisemitism…. I'm not actually sure. But I greatly sympathize with them, and hope that they weren’t too personally offended by my desire to not die. 

For a while I contemplated this experience in my righteous anger, and tried to figure out a way to message this person. I wanted to explain that a) seeing a post about being Jewish and choosing to harass the creator about Israel is literally the definition of antisemitism and b) that sending a hateful DM and refusing to be held accountable is just childish and immature. But I gave up soon after—because, honestly, I knew it wasn’t worth my effort or energy. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to change their mind. 

But I still remember staring at that rather unfortunate meme, accompanied by an all-caps message demanding for me to Free Palestine, and thinking: the post didn’t even have any buzzwords. I remember the swoop of dread and guilt and fear. I remember wondering why this kind of antisemitism felt worse, in that moment, than the kind that leaves bodies in its wake. 

I remember thinking, I don’t have the power to free anyone.

I remember thinking, I’m so fucking tired. 

And before you tell me that this conflict isn’t about religion—let me ask you some questions. Why is it that Israel is even called Israel? (Here’s why.) Why do Jews even want it? (Here’s why.) But also, if you actually read the charters of Islamist terrorist organizations like ISIS, Hamas, and Hezbollah (among others), they equate the modern state of Israel with the Jewish people, and they use the two entities interchangeably. So of course this conflict is religious. It’s never been anything but that.

But I do wonder, when faced with those who deny this fact: how do I prove, through an endless slew of what-about-isms and victim blaming, that I too am hurting? How do I show that empathy is dialectical, that I can care deeply for Palestinians and Gazans while also grieving my own people? 

There's this thing that humans do, when we’re frustrated about politics and need to howl our opinions about it into the void until we feel better. We find like-minded souls, usually our friends and neighbors, and fret about the state of the world to each other until we’ve gone around in a satisfactory amount of circles. But these conversations never truly accomplish anything. They’re just a substitute, a stand-in catharsis, for what we really wish we could do: find someone who embodies the spirit of every Jew-hating internet troll, every ignorant justifier of terrorism, and scream ourselves hoarse at them until we change their mind.

But, of course, minds cannot be changed when they are determined to live in a state of irrational dislike. In Judaism, this way of thinking has a name: שנאת חינם (sinat hinam), or baseless hatred. It's a parasite with no definite cure, and it makes people bend over backwards to justify things like the massacre on October seventh, simply because the blame always needs to be placed on the Jews. 

So when a Jew is faced with this unsolvable problem, there is only one response to be had, only one feeling to be felt: anger. And we are angry. Carrying around rage with nowhere to put it is exhausting. It's like a weight at the base of our neck that pushes down on our spine, bending it until we will inevitably snap under the pressure. I’m still waiting to break, even now.

I wish I could explain to someone who needs to hear it that terrorism against Israelis happens every single day here, and that we are never more than one degree of separation away from the brutal slaughter of a friend, lover, parent, sibling. I wish it would be enough to say that the majority of Israelis (which includes Arab-Israeli citizens who have the exact same rights as Jewish-Israelis) wish for peace every day without ever having seen what it looks like. 

I wish I could show the world that Israel was founded as a socialist state, that it was built on communal values and born from a cluster of kibbutzim (small farming communities based on collective responsibility), and that what it is now isn’t what its people stand for. 

I wish the world could open their eyes to what we Israelis have seen since the beginning: that Hamas is the enemy, Hamas is the one starving Palestinians and denying them aid, Hamas is the one who keeps rejecting ceasefire terms and denying their citizens basic human rights. Hamas is the governing body of Gaza, not Israel. Hamas is responsible for the wellbeing of the Palestinian people. And Hamas are the ones who are more determined to murder Jews—over and over and over again, in the most animalistic ways possible—than to look inwards and see the suffering they’ve inflicted on their own people. I wish it was easier to see that.

But the wishing, the asking how can people be so blind, is never enough. I can never just say, I promise I don't want war. 

When I bear witness to this baseless hatred, I think of the victims of October seventh. I think of the women and girls who were raped and then murdered, forever unable to tell their stories. I think of the hostages, trapped underneath Gaza in dark tunnels, wondering if anyone will come for them. I think of Ori Ansbacher, of Ezra Schwartz, of Eyal, Gilad, and Naftali, of Lucy, Rina, and Maia Dee, of the Paley boys, of Ari Fuld and of Nachshon Wachsman. I think of all the innocent blood spilled because of terror-fueled hatred and the virus of antisemitism. I think of all the thousands of people who were brutally murdered in Israel, Jews and Muslims and Christians and humans, who will never see peace.

My ties to this land are knotted a thousand times over. Even when I leave, a part of me is left behind, waiting for me to claim it when I return. But when I see the grit it takes to live through this pain, when I see the suffering that paints the world the color of blood, I look to the heavens and I wonder why. 

I ask God: is it worth all this? He doesn't answer. So I am the one, in the end, to answer my own question. I say, it has to be. 

Feel free to send any genuine, respectful, and clarifying questions you may have to my inbox!

EDIT: just coming on here to say that I'm really touched & grateful for the love on this post. When I wrote it, I felt hopeless; I logged off of Tumblr for Shabbat, dreading the moment I would turn off my phone to find more hate in my inbox. Granted, I did find some, and responding to it was exhausting, but it wasn’t all hate. I read every kind reblog and comment, and the love was so much louder. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍

Source Reading

The Whispered in Gaza Project by The Center for Peace Communications

Why Jews Cannot Stop Shaking Right Now by Dara Horn

Hamas Kidnapped My Father for Refusing to Be Their Puppet by Ala Mohammed Mushtaha

I Hope Someone Somewhere Is Being Kind to My Boy by Rachel Goldberg

The Struggle for Black Freedom Has Nothing to Do with Israel by Coleman Hughes

Israel Can Defend Itself and Uphold Its Values by The New York Times Editorial Board

There Is a Jewish Hope for Palestinian Liberation. It Must Survive by Peter Beinart

The Long Wait of the Hostages’ Families by Ruth Margalit

“By Any Means Necessary”: Hamas, Iran, and the Left by Armin Navabi

When People Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them by Bari Weiss

Hunger in Gaza: Blame Hamas, Not Israel by Yvette Miller

Benjamin Netanyahu Is Israel’s Worst Prime Minister Ever by Anshel Pfeffer

What Palestinians Really Think of Hamas by Amaney A. Jamal and Michael Robbins

The Decolonization Narrative Is Dangerous and False by Simon Sebag Montefiore

Understanding Hamas’s Genocidal Ideology by Bruce Hoffman

The Wisdom of Hamas by Matti Friedman

How the UN Discriminates Against Israel by Dina Rovner

This Muslim Israeli Woman Is the Future of the Middle East by The Free Press

Why Are Feminists Silent on Rape and Murder? by Bari Weiss

[alpaca-clouds]

BG3 fans, we gotta talk CPTSD

Okay, I have spend about a week considering writing this blog, but I really gotta say, that it is something people really need to understand. See, I mostly see this issue with Astarion and his depiction in fandom. However, I would argue that it is a thing that affects literally all characters that play some sort of bigger in this entire game. Including many NPCs.

But let me start with Astarion. See, I wrote the blog two weeks ago about people being judgy on people, who do not want to have graveyard sex with him. Mostly people will argue how Astarion should be allowed to have his agency in that moment - while I argued that whoever the player is playing should have also agency in that scene. Including the agency to say "no" for whatever reason. I also included that my Tav absolutely denied Astarion, because he was not trusting that Astarion in the scene really was ready for it, for a variety of reasons. Which is very much a valid reason for someone not to want to sleep with someone else. (Literally every reason is a good reason for that, mind you.)

And obviously there came the comment, that went basically: "As someone who was raped I am very appalled by you saying that raped people cannot consent." Which is very much not what I said.

What I said was, that my Tav did not consent. Yes, he did not consent because he thought Astarion was not ready for it - but he is the one not consenting. It does not matter for this whether his assumption about Astarion is true or not. Tav does not feel comfortable in the scene, so Tav does not want sex right there.

However... If you consider the drow orgy scene, Tav is also very much right. If you do that scene after defeating Cazador, Astarion is enthusiastically consenting to that orgy, but he still ends up dissociating during the scene. (And in that scene, even if your character notices it, you cannot go "Stop!" Which I hate.)

Here is the thing. If you are in the BDSM scene, you might actually have encountered a scenario in real life where someone was enthusiastically consenting to something - only to them realize, that they were not into it at all. And people can withdraw their consent IRL at this point. Only that in this game, obviously you can't. So within the game choices I will just start out with "no" for this character.

Still, that is actually not what I mainly wanted to talk about. No.

What I wanted to talk about is the other thing. I absolutely know that for a variety of reasons a lot of SA survivors do identify with Astarion, and I do not want to take that from anyone. I think it is amazing that we got a character with whom we see this issue portrayed seriously. And let's face it. Especially in tumblr fandom circles, we will have a lot of SA survivors, because the userbase of this website is majority afab, and many are queer. And we know from statistics that queer afab people are even more likely than non-queer afab people to experience SA at some point in there life. So, yes, Astarion is going to be embraced by this community makes sense - even without his dashing looks.

But here we get to the actual meat of the issue: Astarion was not just raped. Astarion was abused in a variety of ways - some of them sexual - over the course of 200 years. He went not through a single traumatic event, but an ongoing trauma that, again, lasted for 200 years.

Or to put different: Astarion does not have PTSD. He has C-PTSD. Complex trauma. The kind of trauma that develops when the trauma lasts over a long, long time, without the survivor getting a chance to ever really properly ever relax. Something that was very true for Astarion's time under Cazador. He was under constant threat of rape, torture, and other forms of violence.

While CPTSD is a form of PTSD, it has some differing symptoms - and additional symptoms from plain old PTSD.

I found this graphic on this blog here, and found it fairly good in the depictions. (If you google CPTSD you will find several graphics like this.) It shows very well the additional symptoms, compared to normal trauma.

Generally speaking, CPTSD brings a lot stronger issues with self-worth, interpersonal problems, and emotional regulation. CPTSD folks are often prone to emotional outbursts (this graphic names anger, but technically it can be all other kinds of emotional outbursts - which is why at times CPTSD gets confused with BPD).

And Astarion is written like this. He shows very much all the symptoms of CPTSD. And let's be honest: That is an issue he will have to deal with for a long, long while.

But... As I said, the same is actually true for pretty much all the characters.

If you look at the companions, it is obvious.

Gale spent at least a year in constant fear of blowing up. While Mystra's abusiveness towards him within the relationship prior the orb is more fanon than canon (though the relationship was defnitely not an easy one), the "one year in constant fear of death" is very likely going to instill some form of CPTSD in him.

Karlach was a slave for 10 years, forced to fight in the hells. While she will also probably suffer from certain forms of PTSD more common in soldiers. Additionally I would argue that she also has some CPTSD from tiefling-racism. While she does not bring it up often... She does seem to have a thing there.

With Wyll it is a bit more complicated. Yes, for him I would see the kind of CPTSD I have - parental abuse related. Ulder was not openly abusive, but neither was my mother, and guess what fucked me most up in my childhood, despite experiencing some really bad violence elsewhere.

Shadowheart was abused by Viconia and midwashed and tortured and was forced to kill her fucking pet mouse. Bonus points that a lot of it happened during her childhood. She very much is gonna suffer the consequences.

Lae'zel... Do I really need to say something about her upbringing among the Gith?

Then we have Halsin. We know fairly little about his background, given that he is very coy in talking about it. But his "three years as a drow slave" definitely make it likely that he has developed some form of CPTSD.

And then we have Jaheira and Minsc. For whom just the... Well, look folks, the adventuring lifestyle would logically also leave you with CPTSD of some sort.

Even if you play a Tav who entered the game after having a very untraumatic life... They will spent what has to be at least two months with a tadpole in their head threatening to kill them - while half of Baldur's Gate is trying to do the same. They'll have PTSD after this at the very least, if not CPTSD. (Even though, let's face it, chances are we all gave our Tavs more than enough background trauma to go along with it, right?)

And same goes for so many other characters. The tiefling refugees. Our main villains (especially Gortash and Orin). Cazador. The other vampire spawn (duh). The list goes on.

So, what am I trying to say here?

Well, for once I just want to make sure folks understand that CPTSD is a thing that exists and while being similar to normal PTSD differs in some points. Including the fact that people with CPTSD have a high likelihood to make very rash decisions driven by instable emotional states, that might be harmful to them on the long run.

And mind you. In real life most people with CPTSD have it because either they were bullied for a long time, or were in an abusive relationship of some sort. (Abusive parents, abusive partners, abusive friends/roommates.) But even in those heightened scenarios the game represents for the most part - the issues are gonna be still mainly the same.

[m1ssunderstanding]

Get Back Rewatch 55 Years On: Day 13

Ah it’s “coordinate with the carpet” day.

John could probably say “2+2=3” and Paul would be like “Oh you're sooo right, John.”

Literally the ADHD antics (jumping over a chair because it’s there and you can and it would be funner than going around) are so relatable.

Ringo putting Zac’s picture up? I don’t know much about him as a dad. Does anyone know? I mean I know part of the reason he and Mo left india was because they missed their kids, and in late 66 when John was making HIWTW and Paul was working on TFW and George was off learning filthy eastern ways, Ringo stayed home and ‘enjoyed the baby’. Was he a really good dad?

John: I really liked how that lead singer was singing so soft and nice. Paul: like this, John? Like this? John? John, look at me, do you like this?

Literally why are you even there, Yoko. Like, genuinely, not for the bands sake or anything, but for your own sake, go find somewhere else to be! Something, something, one of the few ways to find success as a woman was to attach yourself to a man and she was hustling with the best feminist tools available okay, okay. Ugh, I just don't know if I could stomach it.

I heard John say “Rickie and the Red Streaks” and I was like, ummm, did you mean “Suzie and the Red Stripes”? But apparently it’s a real band. They were in the same Cavern show as the Beatles when they came back from Hamburg but never made it big. And Paul was purposely referencing them with Linda's pretend band because, as he said, he would have been happy to just have been them instead of the Beatles. 

“John, can you take a little bit of bass off your guitar?” The faces. Paul told him to take some bass off a minute ago, didn't he? Or he just knows how much John hates to be told that. Anyway it's the silent communication for me.

Paul: *stops his little wordless moan-singing for two seconds*. John: Everybody had a wet drea–SING, Paul! Paul: Ooohh yeah! He’s sooo happy I’m melting. Paul McCartney wants one thing in this life, and it’s for John Lennon to tell him to sing.

“He would’ve been president, you know.” John, bless your naive, lovely heart. 

Paul: shrieking. John: moves the microphone the way a mom takes the sharpie out of her toddler’s hand. 

“If you can get ‘em off Mimi’s wall.” I have a hard time with Mimi. Sometimes she’s adorable. Sometimes she’s horrible. I really can’t get a read. And maybe that was the problem. Maybe John couldn’t either. 

This moment. My little ND baby. Someone just hit your g spot, didn’t they? But to be fair, it is incredibly impressive. Billy has never heard the song before, and he just jumps in with the perfect fill? I love Billy. So talented, such a cutie, so cool, so kind. And look at him. Having such a good time.

The silent communication again here. “Are you hearing this?” “Yeah, baby, I’m hearing this.” Then, John vocalizes the decision. How many Beatles decisions were made like this? Thinking specifically of Brian's account of their decision for him to manage, but probably this happened constantly. 

Yoko reading “The Beatles Complete History”. I love that she’s like, “Everything John tells me is ‘Paul this, Paul that, wah, wah, wah’. I need to get some cold hard facts.” 

Billy’s piano actually is insanely sexy though.

John: *complains about his rock and roll finger* Paul, turning up the scouse: Come on, son, now try your hardest. John continues, soft, needy' Lookie, look at him. *holding up his finger* Paul, genuine: Ah, I know. I just love the different ways they take care of each other. 

Poor George, dissociating himself into another dimension as John’s crooning about Paul’s eating habits. Look. At. How. He’s. Looking. At. Him. You’d think Paul was in that moment creating the heavens and the earth. Nope. Just rocking back and forth like a catatonic, probably getting crumbs all in his greasy beard.

But seriously HOW is everyone in this room watching these two men, taking in to account all of their behaviors, scream "All I want is you!" at each other and not forcing them immediately into either fucking or therapy or both?!

Ringo’s holey pocket, my beloved. 

The guy with the RP accent and the suit coming up to John like the bad guy in every American children’s movie. “I’ve spoken to Mr. Klein.” Dun, dun, dun.

[orange-orchard-system]

Got a hate ask on my other blog (funnier-as-a-system) today. I'm not gonna respond to it directly, but I'm gonna go over it fully just as an example of why I don't take anti-endos or sysmeds seriously and find them to be just bullying assholes who don't know what they're talking about. Apologies for the rare discourse post, but I felt it would be useful to have a personal example I can point to if I ever get any more asks than I already have about why I block anti-endos and sysmeds and don't want them on my blogs.

[ID: A screenshot of an anonymous ask, which reads: ""Systems" aren't real. Please stop being ableist against people with DID and our struggles. Pretending to be one of us while simultaneously mocking us makes you look like a piece of shit. Also, DID isn't fucking funny, you're just cruel and ableist. Go see a psychiatrist, get your personality disorders and Munchausens taken care of, and stop pretending to have DID when you don't. We don't need you, our community is better off without teenagers faking DID as a meme. To be honest, I wish you and literally everyone like you were more likely to kill yourself as someone with a real mental illness, because you don't deserve to be alive if this is what you're doing with your life. You're just a delusional bully and neo-nazi" ./ end ID]

Starting from the top, apparently anyone with DID who's ever described themselves as a system is faking now. Nevermind that it's been a term in psychology and the community for decades now! All systems are fake!

I have DID. I've said as much many times. Not that I think this person would consider this a counterargument, but I feel it deserves restating considering a fair amount of my posts are specifically about my DID and managing the symptoms of it.

If I want to find humor in my own disorder, I'm going to. I'm not going to resign myself to misery and self-hate just to please some randos on the Internet. I crawled my way out of the pit of self-hate and am not just gonna jump in there again just to avoid a couple asks and assholes. And I'd make a point here about systems that don't come from trauma or aren't disordered, but what's the point of that when they think literally all systems are fake?

Ohoho! Disableism towards other mental disorders! Isn't the irony sweet?

Not to toot my own horn, but I just love the lack of awareness when it comes to "we don't need you." No, I guess you don't need me... but you'll be going without the work I've done both online and offline to teach people about dissociation and plurality. Not to mention the terms I've coined that make people feel seen, the experiences I've talked about that make people feel less alone, the building of spaces to let others talk about their own problems and experiences, and the general promotion I've done of plural representation in media. No, you don't need me, but I've been doing work to assist the DID and wider plural communities for years now. And what have you been doing? Sending hate asks to people with DID for being too happy?

I'm an adult. I've mentioned before that I go to university and have a job. Seems like even online, I can't escape the assumption that I'm a teenager, smh. Also, I'm much more worried about the teenagers you might be sending this to than any kind of unquantifiable harm a couple teenagers faking DID could do, considering how clearly you wish to do harm with your words. Especially considering the next few sentences...

Oh, so we're just moving onto blatant suicide baiting and admitting you want systems to die. Got it. Totally not a bigot, right.

Wait... "Real mental illnesses"? Didn't you just accuse me of having several earlier? Or do personality disorders and Munchausen Syndrome not count? (Also, do they think being suicidal is a requirement to be mentally ill? They know not all disorders or presentations of disorders involve suicidality, right?)

Well, you got the delusional part right (which, side note, do you think it's impossible for people to have both DID and psychosis? Big yikes even if no, but that's what these asks always seem to imply), but I think this post might be the closest anyone can call "bullying", considering I'm not giving you an opportunity to respond as I tear down your argument. But maybe the definition of peer abuse changed to *checks notes* running a blog talking about plurality in a positive manner since I last checked.

These people do know what a Neo-Nazi is, right? They know what a Nazi is? Because it feels like people just use it as a stand-in for "general asshole" when it means a specific sort of ideology and bigotry. Ironic that they'd be so pissed about "mockery" and treating serious topics "as a meme", but then they go and misuse a term for a very dangerous kind of ideology and person.

Alright, I think I got that out of my system. Please be careful out there, guys! It feels like the number of hate asks I've seen people get has been going up. I'm in a stable enough place to make a demonstration out of this, but don't push yourself to have a snappy comeback or write essays responding to these assholes if you don't think you're up for it. Hell, I rarely write things like this myself, I just chose this ask to respond to because it was such a clear example of how hypocritical and foolish this particular brand of assholes is that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to break it down.

[silver-wield]

regarding that comment about nptk. Tbh. I dunno. It felt empty. Can you really say without nojima saying anything that nptk is about everyone? Really? There's a reason why nobody thought so. Like fr, NOBODY. Everyone mostly thought it's Zack, at least the Sane ones. But look, they're washing their hands. Do you see her caring about them in LSW? AC? NO. Not even in the ending. Not even in resolution, Nor creepy date. Not a single message message to her mother. NOTHING. And you want me to believe nptk is about her caring about everyone? That she truly wanted to protect everyone? What UTTER BULLSHIT IS THIS. NOJIMA are you FCKING KIDDING ME? I swear to god, if this was seen by literally anybody, NONE of them would arrive to where he wants them to arrive at. If it was Zack he said it's for everyone and he wanted go protect everyone, I'll Believe it. I Don't need to see the Shallowness of her relationship with Tifa etc because I see her priorities and Obsession and how AWFUL he treats Cloud. It's just triggering tbh. Does Nojima really think this, THIS?? is a "good" person? Let alone a "friend"? What kind of people has he been around to?? JFC I Wish he'd get a second opinion with someone with Morals and can smell BS from far away. This Isn't helping this franchise, and Truly, I am Deeply Hurt for Zack. Not just Cloud being mischaracterized because of BS HC. Not just Tifa being fcked over and taken for granted. It's also saying FCK YOU to the IP.

Like fr, I Can't believe they're still hiring ben sabin. THAT'S FCKED UP.

Honestly I think Nojima has some kinda dissociation between what's shown and what they're telling us because playing blind there's no way anybody would think Aerith is a good friend to Tifa when she's sliming herself over Cloud, and nobody would think that song is about everyone but maybe the English lyrics are at fault and the JP ones fit what he says.

I don't like the song, so idc what it's about. I'm still annoyed they came up with this convoluted scenario and then literally included a line that shows Aerith is getting Deus ex machina favouritism

She should not have been allowed to submit that song, let alone win. And how did they craft an entire production and music to go with the lyrics within a couple hours?!

I'm sorry but I seriously hate this. It makes no fucking sense and they shouldn't have done it.

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Looooong ass vent

TW for: Self hate. Lots of swearing. Use of not nice words. Eating disorders, purging, self harm, suicide, rants, venting, tons of triggers, dissociation, lying, all caps, me whining, me being a bitch, mistreatment, body shaming, hateful stuff, mental illness, all that- like seriously this has more TWs than I can think of. .

I'm a jealous person. I'm sorry, it's true. I'm jealous when other people have art that gets 40, 50, more notes. I get jealous when my friends have better friends than I ever could be. I get jealous of song writers because damnit please I want to make music. I get jealous of others art,voices, bodies. I get so jealous I get mad at nothing over nothing. I get jealous at others art styles, at other success, i get jealous at my own FRIENDS wow I'm awful

I'm selfish. I'm greedy because I can't just- be fucking happy with what i do have. I can't be patient to get better at drawing, better at recording my voice, more freedom. I am never satisfied, I'm a fucking whore for any sort of love and attention and likes and reblogs. You hear me? I'm, a, whore.

And I'm fucking awful because I can't take criticism for shit, I get so fucking unhappy at it and I lie and I say I'm happy to receive it. I lie all the time like this, I'm a dishonest whore, that's worse than a normal whore! I get so bent out of shape!

And I want to make it big in the Tumblr community BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE I NEVER FOCUS ON ONE THING

M so impatient

And when I talk to my friends I-

I forget all that. I calm down, I feel... wanted.

But I'm burdening them. I'm burdening them I'm burdening them I'm I'm fucking selfish and horrible because they give and give and give and I take like a needy selfish greedy whore.

AND I DON'T SHUT UP, I'm sorry I'm sorry I never shut up

...I'm... awful. And... I shouldn't keep posting shit like this, because nobody should have to read my rambling and shit and I'm overreacting and I want to die and

Im useless irl BTW. I've been nothing but a stupid moody bitch the past two weeks, I stay up all night doing nothing and wake up at 5 pm like a useless piece of human shit that should burn in the garbage

I keep forgetting who I am, who is talking too

Im sooooooooo uselessssssssssss

Its fucking because I think my family would be happier if I didn't exist. Because that'd be one less stupid moody bitch that can't do anything and hides in their room all day that they have to deal with

Im lazy I get apathetic I have no motivation to do anything and I don't cry at sad movies like a broken robot and everything about me is wrong

And my father wanted a daughter so fucking badly, but I'm not a girl I'm nothing and he'd be so mad if I ever told him

And BTW I'm literally awful like I've run out of things I'm a jealous whore

M a whore because all tye time I think of stupid sexual stuff and then I feel disgusted I'm disgusting I barely take showers

I'm pathetic btw I never finish anything I start I have so many half assed AUs and drafts and fanfics and art and chores and needs and shit

and I sit in my room all day and play on my phone like a fucking loser. Im also really stupid btw, I don't know half the shit I'm supposed too and I can't spell shit or know history AND I HAVE THE ABILITY TO LEARN BUT IM SUCH A STUPID FUCKING BITCH I NEVER DO ANYTHING

I'm also a hypocrite because I get so snappy and shit with my siblings when they do nothing wrong except be annoying or something but when I feel justified I shouldn't because I'm still a shitty person

I barely reach out to my friends unless they text first, I'm a horrible friend that never listens I'm sorry I'm sorry I never meant to abandon anyone

And I can't take blame or accountability I'm sorry I am shit why do I keep trying to hide behind myself??

Its past 6 am,people are statving and in here venting like a bitch

I never shut up

I Bother people

i sleep in and I'm moody and I demand attention like a whore whose demanding love idfk

I never know anything, I'm rude as hell

Im sorry

and I'm protective over shit nobody cares about, I'm so damn defensive

Im sorry I'm not doing better I'm sorry I'm not improving myself. I'm so mad at myself I have so much anger at myself I direct it at innocent people I'm sorry

I HAVE NO EXCUSES, IM SO FUCKING SELF AWARE OF THIS BUT I KEEP DOING IT KM SO DAMN FHCKONG DUM IM LUTERALLY COUNTING HOW MANY WORDS OF SELF HSTE

Its justified BTW, i deserve hate

I feel like I'm lying abt being a system and artistic and depressed and anxiety like what I'd I just suddenly decided I had them?? I swear I promise I'm not faking I'm not I don't want to lie I want to be good I never meant to hurt anyone BUT I FEEL LIKE IM A FAKING BITCH

I binge food and throw it up, I hide food like a greedy pig just to purge I take others food because I'm so gluttonous and I LIE about it

and I vent and vent and vent and... and I still hate myself

I'm so fucking manipulative because anytime I talk I CSNT STOP IMSGING HOW THE CONVERSATION WILL GO, I CANT STOP TRYONG TO FUCKING GET MY WAY IRL, AHHGHGBTIDDHDH I ALEATS ACT LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN I DONT and I purposefully annoy my siblings so they leave thr kitchen so I can binge like a fat pig, I'm a hypocrite too in every aspect. I'm toxic ok im awful

I s/h and then i forget about it so its not even a problem but I whine like it is and I want to do it so badly rn I wanna go deep

AND I RUINED MYSELF WITH UGLY SCATS they're so ugly like me inside and out

And I wanna cry and

and I'm so awful because like I get so... idk, I am. I've done shifty things, I'm a shit person. I act sweet than a condescending little bitch

and sometimes the smallest things set me off

Im jealous of everyone else

Hell I'm fucking jealous of people I've never met, I want so much so badly I'm so greedy and lustful for it and selfish

In... conclusion? The world, would, be, better, without, me

I'm useless, lazy, stupid, jealous, slutty, angry, sad, pitiful, pathetic, fat looking, no good child, moody, stereotypical, ugly, hateful, chatter box, greedy, selfish. Gluttonous, messy, dirty. I'm all the bad stuff

Dont lie, these are facts. I have so much awful in me, the world wpuld be better off without me

[underworld-park-offical]

CLYDE: HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK

CLYDE: THE FUCKING VIDEO CUT OFF BUT

CLYDE: CRAIGS PROBABLY DEAD HE'S DEAD HE'S DEAD HE’S DEADDDDD WAHHHHHH

TOLKIEN: I KNOW SHUT UP TOLKIEN: YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THAT THE WHOLE CAR RIDE!!!

CLYDE: I KNOW WE ALL SAID WE WANTED HIM DEAD BUT CLYDE: BUT CLYDE: WAHHHHHHHHH HAAAA HAAAAAAAA!!!!!

TOLKIEN: BABE SHUT UP TOLKIEN: I'M TRYING TO FOCUS ON THE ROAD TOLKIEN: I DON'T WANT TO GET A SPEEDING TICKET TODAY

CLYDE: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

CLYDE: I MISS CRAIG SO MUCH CLYDE: HE WAS THE WORST BEST FRIEND I'VE EVER HAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD

TOLKIEN: STOP CRYING TOLKIEN: I LOVE YOU TOLKIEN: BUT I NEED TO FOCUS RIGHT NOW TOLKIEN: I DON'T WANT TO CRASH MY CAR

CLYDE: WAAAHAHHHHHAHVAGUCGJFIYGXTUDXFRCYUHY*GCFGJUOTUDVHUPI*YIFGCJBLOUGTCGJOUFJGOUFDTYGUOCFJGYOFX

TOLKIEN: BABY I CAN'T COMFORT YOU RIGHT NOW TOLKIEN: I'M DRIVING CLYDE: YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MEEEE HEEEE HEEEEEE CLYDE: OR CRAAA HEYYY HEYYYA AAAIG 

CLYDE: OR JIMM HEE HEE HEE…

CLYDE: HE'S DEAD YOU MONSTER HER HERRRRR!! TOLKIEN: I CARE, THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING NOT TO CRASH RIGHT NOW

CLYDE: YOU'RE LYING TO MEEEEEE TOLKIEN: I AM NOT TOLKIEN: BUT I AM TOLKIEN: THIS  CLOSE TOLKIEN: TO TAPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT

CLYDE: WAHHAAGHVHUGGCHFUIHCGFHUIYHVHVGUHGV GGUI PLEASE DONT I'LL BE A GOOD BOYYYYYYYY TOLKIEN: YOU'RE A BIG STRONG MAN TOLKIEN: PLEASE STOP CRYING CLYDE: (sniffle) Okayyyyyyy

TOLKIEN: GOD DAMN TOLKIEN: WE NEED TO TELL DAIMEN CLYDE: Whyy??????????

TOLKIEN: He's one of the few people in our friend group I can actually fucking TOLERATE

TOLKIEN: I’m pretty sure he's working at the 711 right now

CLYDE: STEP ON THE GAS BABY TOLKIEN: I'M TRYING

Meanwhile...with the gays

THOMAS: HAOUGUUGUGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TWEEK: WHAT THE FUCK???

TWEEK: WHY ARE YOU THROWING UP KOOL AID?????

TWEEK: ARE YOU OKAY THOMAS???? TWEEK: THOMAS?????? THOMAS: NOHuuuuuu...... uuUHHHOUUUUGHHGHHFGGH–

PIP: Ugh he's getting me all red!

PIP: Gregory, make him stop right now!

PIP: He's getting kool aid all over my very expensive suit!

GREGORY: You know he has a condition!

GREGORY: You KNOW He has “throwing up koolaid-itus”!!!

GREGORY: He told me so!

PIP: UGHHHHHHHHH!!!

PIP: You all are going to make this plan go to SHIT!

TWEEK: SHUT UP!!

TWEEK: The douchebag is in our presence

PIP: I DONT CARE I'LL JUST EAT HIM LIKE I DID HIS STUPID FUCKING FRIEND

PIP: JIMBO OR WHATEVER HIS NAME WAS

GREGORY: Jimmy, sir

PIP: I KNEW THAT SHUT UP

GREGORY: Yes sir-

PIP: Infact

PIP: ALL OF YOU SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP RIGHT NOW!!!

THOMAS: Buhhh….. blehhh …..ughhh….

THOMAS: Eughhh…

THOMAS: I hated that…

TWEEK: DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP YOU STUPID BRITISH CROOKED TEETH MOTHER OF-

GREGORY: Ah ah ah 

GREGORY: No no no Tweeky!

GREGORY: Bad idea!

GREGORY: You dont wanna mess with Sir Pip whilst he's upset!

TWEEK: RRGHHHGHGHGH LEMME AT HIM!!!

GREGORY: Ah ah ah!

GREGORY: No way!

TWEEK: RRRRGGRHHHHHHHH!!!!!  

TWEEK: I'M GONNA SNAP HIM IN HALF LIKE A PRETZEL!!!

PIP: Not before I snap YOU in half like a goddamn Crumpet!

THOMAS: U- uh….

THOMAS: Guys??

TWEEK: YOU ARE SERIOUSLY THE WORST LEADER EVER!!

PIP: OH DON'T EVEN START YOU METH ADDICTED DEFIANT TROLL!

TWEEK: YOU DID NOT

PIP: OH I MOST CERTAINLY DID

THOMAS: Guuuuys?

PIP: I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN BECUASE OF THE LAND WENCE YOU CAME, YOU SUPER SONIC MUFFIN MUNCHER TWEEK: KILL YOURSELF YOU CRUSTY PEANUT PIP: I'M ALREADY DEAD YOU MORONIC BRAINDEAD LUNATIC TWEEK: DIE TWICE PIP: FUCK YOU!!!

THOMAS: GUYS!!!!!!

PIP AND TWEEK: WHAT???????

THOMAS: What do we do with…. SHIT-! COCK-!!

THOMAS: What do we do with him?

CRAIG: What is going on? CRAIG: I'm like

CRAIG: Mad dissociating right now

CRAIG: What

CRAIG: What are you guys

CRAIG: How are you all here…?

GREGORY: Oh the mister has finally snapped out of his trance!

GREGORY: Apologies, dear friend!

GREGORY: Sir Pip had requested we keep you contained! He remembers you being the worst of the lot!

GREGORY: And with your fashion choice, I can certainly see why.

CRAIG: What are you….

CRAIG: Ohhhh…. 

CRAIG: Yeah this hoodie was a mistake

CRAIG: And the phone case….

CRAIG: Goddamnit…

PIP: He's come to his senses 

PIP: WHY HAS HE COME TO HIS SENSES??!?!

PIP: THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!!

PIP: AAAAAAGHHHH!!!!

PIP: DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!!!

GREGORY: Oh dear

GREGORY: Sir Pip is upset again

GREGORY: There there Sir Pip

PIP: SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU ABSOLUTE KISS ASS PIP: I WILL RIP THAT PONYTAIL FROM YOUR SCALP!

GREGORY: Apologies, Sir Pip

CRAIG: Wait a second

CRAIG: Is that a fucking dead body??????

CRAIG: HOLY SHIT IS THAT JIMMY????

PIP: Well one of the side effects of opening a portal to hell,

PIP: Someone kicks the bucket!

CRAIG: Christ..

PIP: Why did you capture him,  Gregory?

PIP: You know I hate this one

GREGORY: He was the closest one, Sir Pip!

PIP: You could've just grabbed them ALL!

PIP: Now our plan will fucking CRUMBLE because of you!

PIP: You SENTIENT. STAPLER.

GREGORY: I 

GREGORY: Sir Pip….

PIP: NO! NO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU ANYMORE!

PIP: Anyway, since you ARE here

PIP: You may as well make yourself of good use to me

CRAIG: What?

PIP: Where are Stan and his little friends?

PIP: Out of all of you dicktwats, THEY treated me worst

PIP: So… where are they?

(EDITS MADE BY @pissblanket)

[pupyr0arz]

WHILE IM TALKING ABT ROACH here’s my current HC meta:

-he hasn’t talked to his family since he was like, 19. Sorry happy family roach lovers he absolutely loathes them and they don’t like him either. He feels they were more concerned with appearances than actual substance and they didn’t treat him well

-he’s selectively mute, but also genuinely prefers to sign over speaking. He can speak at times, he just doesn’t like it and finds sign or writing is better. When he’s anxious he finds signing and writing more difficult to do and speaking impossible. It takes a lot of coaxing

-I feel like roach masks his issues with humor. I like silly roach a lot that’s him to me and I accept that fanon but I feel like he deflects with jokes and more erratic behavior. He really, really, really does not want to talk about something so he’ll play it off and then drag you to go do something silly. This guy does negative communication. Even if he has an issue with you it’ll wait until he like cannot not deal with it he really needs to be forced to do so

-great cook but hates cooking. Never had any good memories with it, doesn’t find it fun or anything but a hassle that makes a mess. If he does cook for someone it’s a lot of affection going into that though. Doesnt really cook for other people tho, he learned mostly for himself and most of his recipes are to specifically his taste.

-no idea how to dress. Like, 0 clue. Help this man. He likes fashion in that he’s like wow that looks nice to basically anything and everything. Doesn’t get how some things are hated so strongly.

-he had an older brother who he felt a kinship with. The two fought like cats and dogs but they were pretty close and shared a lot of the same interests. The older brother liked Roach but the two would fight and take petty revenge on each other a lot and he let roach make a lot o f the same mistakes he did. The two also kept up the jokes act when they were kids in public and ti was probably to draw attention away from awful parents. Anyways he died and roach does not want to talk about it at all.

-roach really did not like the military until he ended up in the 141. He stuck through it because he’s a stubborn bastard but he ran into a lot of difficulties before MacTavish was his cap.

-roach is the type who will put up thru pain n discomfort for an arbitrary goal any day of the week, casually and seriously. He is never out of hills to die on. Loves having strong opinions on things.

-despises people he deems inconsiderate. Is accidentally inconsiderate a lot. More on that, bc of his closest relationships in the past he assumes a lot of his boundaries are implicit and spin fact explicitly should not be discussed because they make him uncomfortable. It’s hard for him to take violations of those not personally and he has a short temper. He might go out of his way to upset you and then feel AWFUL about it. Or not depending on what you did. If he does understand it was a mistake he’d feel bad, he’s been in that situation a lot but it doesn’t occur to him other people may have difficulties understanding each other like he does. From his failure to pick up on social cues and the treatment of his mistakes as intention he’s got an unconscious bias to assume everyone else does everything intentionally always bc that’s what it seems. When he was a kid he’d break things a lot or frame his brother for something that would get him into trouble or even get into physical fights.

-lone survivor!roach would take things very not seriously. He’d treat the apocalypse as more of a game than anything, eating when he remembers to, taking massive risks to his life without much care. He’s kind of dissociated from himself and any sorts of risks or previous attachments. Would underestimate his need for socialization. Very skilled and very likely to die in some stupid way.

-141!apoco!roach is a lot more serious. He stretches himself thin as a mediating personality. If the group is experiencing social strain he’s working overtime trying to soothe nerves. He’s probably the least suspicious of new members if just because he feels like someone has to, even if he doesn’t like the new guy. Puts most of his survival in the hands of his team. Never really thought of his future of more than a couple days and isn’t going to start now. Not the best with abstract questions but keeps an eye on rations. Thinks group politics with other groups is stupid, advocating for just killing the asshole and moving on.

[m4ngey]

💛CW mentions of final fusion in systems (as a concept). System rambling.

Despite technically being a system account we rarely ever post about being a system. Part of that I think is because of shame we’ve been fighting through the years and the other part I think is that sense that nobody would really care, despite wanting to educate and such. I’d like us to be more out. We stream openly as a system with our loved ones who all treat us as individuals and try to create a safe space also for others who feel outcasted in some sense. (Neurodiverse, other systems, etc). We encourage people to be their authentic selves to the best of our ability all while sitting here being out but being afraid of drawing attention to it. We want to be people and be seen as individuals but sometimes it feels like the only way to do that and be taken seriously is to be very open about it, make constant content specifically about it, etc. I would love to talk about our day to day interacting with each other in system or our loved ones. I love when other systems have told us they feel safe to be themselves around us/because we are out and fairly open. I don’t think I’m personally afraid of fake claims as much as I’m afraid of feeling like a jester jingling around miserably for the “entertainment” of others and not being able to effectively do what I want, which is normalize systems who want to be treated as individuals getting actually taken seriously and treated like the individuals we are. We aren’t characters. We aren’t “one person who just changes their hat sometimes”, we are our own people. I have a love/hate with the way I see DID and other dissociative disorders received online and I loathe the way others have used it as a scapegoat to be horrible to people we care about over the years. I don’t want to dwell on the negative parts of our diagnosis as it’s not great to be reduced down to a “symptom” instead of a full person the same as the others. Also hate the “you don’t have DID bc you aren’t miserable enough” or on the opposite side of the coin, “wow being a system must be terrible why don’t you try to integrate/achieve “final fusion” Etc etc etc. so on and so forth.

I feel like we shouldn’t need a “good enough reason” to want to “stay plural”. I respect those that want to achieve final fusion through therapy, but it freaks us out. We have friends, partners, lives of our own in some sense and that for me is more than enough reason to find ways to cope and survive as a system.

[thiswontbeforever]

TW// sh & s*icidal thoughts, anxiety, depression

okay idk if it’s just me bc i haven’t seen anyone else really mention it & pls let me know if i should delete this but was anybody else watching s2 and really noticing that darkness edvin was talking about in wille?

first off the anxiety, depression, & dissociation he experiences is heartbreaking. i mean we saw s1 the constant anxiety, coping mechanisms, & the more physical & violent panic attacks (& maybe a form of sh with him hitting his head/pulling his hair) but the display of his anxiety this time is very different (picking his nails instead, the mouth movement thing edvin mentioned) and ofc not being able to breathe (still with the collar & ties) but it’s all even more repressed than s1. i mean it was heartbreaking bc he really doesn’t have anyone to lean on & he knows he needs to use his role as crown prince in a way he never wanted to in order to get what he wants & so he’s trying to keep that facade together, separate himself like erik (supposedly) did, & even w/ going to the school therapist he’s not actually addressed his anxiety much w/ anyone. i mean him actually throwing up this season, the anxiety taking over his body AGAIN, it’s such an intense and draining state to be in and edvin did an incredible job of adapting wille’s anxiety w/ the new situation. additionally, the scenes where he’s so out of it, literally looks just empty and blank…had me a mess. as much as i hate certain scenes, thinking about wille’s mental health & heartbreak i really do understand (it’s like simon asking “why can’t i just fall in love with him (marcus)? - why can’t i get over this? everyone says it’ll get better so i’m just being dramatic right? why does it still feel like this? what if i could feel it with someone else? desperation from both of them to try and feel anything other than what they do after it all, without each other, feel something close to what they had. it’s the whole point - they cant. they only had what they had because it was them and moving on is more miserable bc everyone involved has a different motive, different expectations, and are all using each other to a certain extent. trying to prove something but all they prove is what exists between simon & wille is real, and right, & cannot be recreated or replaced). okay i got way off topic buT -

back to wille’s state of mind what i was getting at was that darkness was truly there & i genuinely kept waiting for him to possibly hurt himself or really allude to suicidal thoughts. (there were a few lines where he did say just like i feel like i’m gonna die (?) i think it was) & with that true hollow look he had in so many scenes i wouldn’t have been surprised if those ideations were brought up. i never thought wille would actually do that or that that’s where the story was heading, but i just mean that i GET what edvin was saying. it’s darkness of anger, revenge, regret, and wille’s entire mental state where he genuinely feels like it’s never going to stop hurting or get better because he’s lost the one person who gave him hope. that scene where he goes to the like fence in front of the lake (?), listening to music, and then felice comes…i mean flashback to wilmon at the lake, how cold the water is then as a joke, a tease about august (?)…but in this scene it seemed like wille had been just standing there for a while before felice came & i really had this feeling of just disassociation & maybe unconsciously him thinking about the temperature of the lake…not like seriously but i hope what i’m trying to say makes sense.

i just think it was brilliant writing and acting to show how bad the position wille is in really was for him & have him finally start to open up in therapy & with felice & simon.

that being said…

where the fUck was my simon breakdown. (i know we saw a BIT in the last episode my poor baby 😭 he looked absolutely devastated & broken but god like !! i wanted more especially after trying to distract himself with marcus & everything uh. i’m glad he had his song but then !! they took it away)

[fairytail-whathesays]

Yo! Im the loke/laxus anon, you totallly ate there, i was very invested in the gamer au. And also i wanted to ask, if it's okay would natsu/cobra hcs be cool? Randomly found some fanart of it on pinterest and I was like. Hm. I dont fully understand the concept but intriguing

That one is quite the struggle to imagine. Natsu is the kind of person that requires patience and a certain joie de vivre to get along with. Cobra has neither of those.

Natsu is the one who starts pursuing Cobra, not even romantically at first but just to hang out with him. He's very concerned about Cobra being such a loner and frowning all the time.

This does not go over well. Cobra, as he would remind Natsu, has friends, and doesn't need pink-haired loudmouths clinging to him. Natsu quickly recognizes this train of thought (i.e. only hanging out with a select group of friends and shunning everyone else) as akin to Laxus' behavior pre-Fantasia, and forces the issue.

They fight a few times. Natsu gets stomped, even without Cobra's ability to read minds. Shockingly, this doesn't work to deter him--I know, incredible surprise.

It gets to a point where Cobra is seriously thinking about killing Natsu--not as a joke, just outright that tired of him--when he trips up one day and they have their first real connection. Cobra is feeding a nearby snake, completely lost in his thoughts, so much so his super-hearing doesn't pick up Natsu nearby. Natsu is super proud to catch Cobra, a bad guy, doing something "nice".

Cobra, concerned about his image, defends himself with the rationale that he's not being nice. He's just the cog in the wheel of nature that was selected as the means for an animal to feed itself. It's total bullshit and Natsu calls him on it, too.

This ends up being the weakness that lets Natsu get close, though. He always wants to be around when Cobra feeds snakes or other wildlife, and Cobra never wants to do it in front of him, and when he's finally caught again, he gives the rationale that he does it because even things that aren't pretty or soft deserve to eat.

Cobra only starts truly being able to tolerate Natsu more (well, for a generous value of "tolerate"--he'd still rather Natsu leave him alone) when Natsu starts to expand his unasked-for presence to the rest of the Oracion Seis, which in turn helps him understand Cobra more. Cobra has a familiarity with animal senses and instinct that has helped him pull Racer out of some dark places when he over-uses his hyper speed magic, and he has a grounded attachment to reality that has helped Angel when she starts to dissociate. He even knows a few tricks for maintaining focus and clearing one's head, something he's had to use to counteract his overcranked hearing and which he taught to Midnight to help him sleep. Natsu doesn't start to fall for Cobra until he sees why the other members of the Seis cherish him as much as they do.

Natsu does attempt to be more """"serious"""" around Cobra, if only to not annoy him so much, and the effort is silently appreciated. Natsu lowering the volume and the rapid pace helps him interact with Cobra a lot.

At one point, Cobra gets separated from the rest of the Seis for some misadventure or other that goes pretty rough. Natsu manages to track him down by following his scent, only by the time he does, Cobra's all banged up, soaking wet from rain, ears hurting, and in a shitty mood. Natsu gets him to a safe spot and tosses him a bottle of pain meds for the headache he undoubtedly has, tosses him some dry sweatpants, lets him un-fuckup himself on his own.

Cobra fucks Natsu into another dimension that night, is what I'm saying. Like, something breaks, he just drags Natsu into a room, throws him on a bed--no words, just angry, needy, self-hating, frustrated pumping.

And from there on, whatever's between them is difficult to put a label on. Natsu is into it, Cobra isn't, and there's an understanding that if Natsu ever tells anyone he's dead to rights.

Every once in a while, whatever the hell they are will soften into something that could be. Some cuddling on the couch. Fingers in Natsu's hair. Cobra docile as long as Natsu stays quiet and doesn't move too fast. Cobra will accept the illusion of being loved by someone as long as he doesn't have to consider that it might be real.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Tw vent/possibly nsfw/suicidal ideation

I know I already made a post about this and was feeling pretty good about all the responses saying that starting T would definitely raise my libido but wouldn't make me not ace anymore and stuff but I just saw a tiktok about how much it apparently raises libido and everyone in the comments was talking about it too and even some of the people were like "I thought I was asexual until I started T" or just saying it was really bad and I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown.

I'm crying and hyperventilating, I literally can't imagine a future where I don't medically transition, I NEED this to be myself and to be able to stay alive. But I also can't imagine a life where I'm not asexual.

If its really that bad, I don't think I can take T, and if I can't take T, I think I will actually kill myself.

I hate this, I hate being trans masc and asexual, it's like my body already disagrees with my on everything and if I take T and it gives me a sex drive that doesn't line up with my identity, it will just be disagreeing with me even more. I can't even express in words how painful and upsetting this would be for me.

I'm also pretty sure I have ocd, part of which is sexual orientation ocd, meaning I get really really triggered over any uncertainty about my sexuality and it sounds like T might make this unbearable

I should probably try it first and see how it affects me and not get ahead of myself but I'm fucking terrified. I feel like no one is gonna take this seriously but I will genuinely become suicidal over this if it's as bad as people are saying it is. And don't drag my girlfriend for this because this may be part of ocd for her too, but one time she said she's scared that if I wasn't asexual she wouldn't love me anymore and I'm terrified of that. What if I'm not asexual and I do somehow come to accept it but the love of my life doesn't?

Idk what to do or what to think, I feel like I'm trapped with no way out and I just want to live and for once feel like a person. I just want to for once hear my voice and see my body and actually see myself instead of dissociating 24/7 and hanging onto my life by the singular thread of hope that I can transition one day. I want to lay down and actually feel like I'm inside of my body instead of watching myself from faraway. I want to grow old and recognize myself and talk and shout and sing with *my* voice. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I *can't* feel like this anymore

[oneshortdamnfuse]

I am running myself into the ground every single day, but yeah I have it so good. Everyone has it worse than me. I don’t have the words to express how deeply depressed and anxious I am on a daily basis and I don’t have anyone who takes it seriously. My parents neglected my mental health my entire life, so I do the same. I can’t afford to not work through pain and hunger, but yeah being able to do so must mean it’s not that serious. Everyone asks how am I before they ask me to do something for them. I can’t afford to get a diagnosis for my many health concerns, and no one takes me seriously anytime I try anyway so why try. I asked to see a specialist six months ago and I’ve heard nothing back. I wanted to take tomorrow off to recover from the hell this week has been so far but I can’t even do that because I’m leading not one but two meetings.

I want people to stop fucking asking me how I’m feeling. I want people to stop asking me because I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling. Every time I’m in pain someone makes it a competition. Every time I get a break someone makes a joke that I’m hardly working. Every time I think something is taken care of, someone fucks it up and I need to fix it. Every time I express that I am losing feeling in my legs or my skin is breaking out in rashes or I haven’t been able to keep food in my system longer than 15 minutes or my heart is pounding out of my chest or my joints are throbbing or my throat is burning, I’m told I am stressed. I know I’m fucking stressed. I know I am in pain. I don’t have any fucking relief. I come home from work and I lay in bed for six hours before I even go to sleep. I don’t feel happy anymore. I don’t feel anything. It has been like this for years. I only look like I have my life together because I don’t fucking complain offline.

I’m like a rotting plant on a shelf that everyone’s in denial is rotting.

And I hate being fucking miserable when I’m supposed to be happy. I’m so tired of not being able to properly enjoy my birthday year after year because I’m slammed with work and I have to hear all the jokes about how March is such a drag - it’s the worst month for school! No breaks! Can’t wait until it’s over! Okay, well I wish it would slow down. I wish I didn’t have to dissociate for months just to survive it. I wish I didn’t fade into the background of other people’s lives that the closest people to me don’t even remember when it’s my birthday even if I remember theirs. It sounds so stupid but it’s just symptomatic of my piss poor ability to get anyone to see me. To prioritize me. To care about me. I will give and give of myself until I’m completely drained just to convince the people around me to fucking care that I exist. I don’t know any other way. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

And my fucking leg is losing feeling again.

[nerdyenby]

Blue time :D I’m watching Shelby

Thank you Shelby!! Hair is normal and it’s so weird that society tries to make afab people feel bad for how their body naturally exists

Shelby talking about needing a reminder to take her vitamin D when I’ve been out of mine for over a week now 👀

STARLORD!!!! Oh my gosh, I just remembered I’m seeing gotg3 this weekend

Blue’s skins for this event are so cute I could freaking explode

When will my husband (buildmart) return from the war (hiatus)???

MCC is about the vibes first and foremost, if you’re not in it for a good time then why are you here lmao??

Wait when was there a 3-player team???

Shelby’s chat is so silly and for what (me not knowing who that was either)

Yeah no, they do sound alike, I didn’t think they did but ummm yeah

I too forget meltdown exists lol

“I didn’t vote, oh my gosh, I’m a bad ciziten” I can’t believe you Dave, smh

Grid Runners

A bit rough but it was such a smooth grid runners overall

They did so good on the Minecraft one!!!

Dave trying to craft a daylight sensor with their minecraft in Spanish 😭

I feel like this is a good sot team, why do they want it so early??

Parkour Warrior

This team is so chill until Shelby just starts screaming lol

“I can’t do that one- that’s not even parkour, that’s like mind games and I have a small brain” Dave 😂

“You got 30 seconds, no pressure” I love False

“I played so bad, how is that number one?? These guys honestly need to step up, I played horribly” we stan a humble/self-deprecating king

Dave calling out Fruit’s hypocrisy, as he should!!

Did I know Shelby has adhd? I’m not sure if I did tbh, we’re literally the same person tho

That fox dissociated into the afterlife, same dude

Sands of Time

Dave sandkeeper arc my beloved

Dave’s saying all the right things, be more confident, man

Why didn’t Shelby get that sand??

“I’m coming for you, sir” Dave what is that voice????

Why are they so flustered?? This team has experience and are all strong sot-ers, they just need someone to take charge

Shelby you need to rush red vault, everyone else is busy, you got this queen

Fruit praying to the timer and giving the gold key as an offering 😂

Trust yourself Shelby, you had it, you just need to believe in yourself

“I like [sandkeeping] because all I have to do is talk the whole time which is… what I do anyways” Dave my beloved

Ace Race

*Giving Shelby all my asexuality* “now have him home by 8”

REAL!! Ace race is so hard to commentate

Tridents broken, real and true

Purple is stacked, fear them

Identity theft?? In my minecraft tournament???? /j

Halftime show my beloved

Meltdown

The most polite power negotiation in history

They are merely cruising

It’s the bare minimum but people actually using both sets of pronouns for Ranboo means way too much to me as a fellow he/they

NOOOO

That was such a tragic way to go :((

Dave popping off!! As she should!!!

It’s easy for them!!!

Dave going absolutely insane and Fruit just sounding so concerned 😂

“This is my game, baby!!” YEAH IT IS!!!

“Dave you’re so insane!!” “I don’t know what I’m on today, I’m just three beers deep” “I like it! Wait, beers?” “Who said that? Not me” I swear I could hear the 👀 in Dave’s voice

Blue 2nd and Dave 2nd individual!!!

Battle Box

I’m so ready for them to pop off

Oh that first round was so smooth!!!

“They’re a piñata” IM WHEEZING

Aimsey and Shelby screaming their love for each other my beloved

“I kinda love this map” “Yeah, I could see how people could hate this map” real

“Our comms make no sense but they work” seriously, they’re killing it!!

Dave is such a good igl, I’m glad they’re leaning into it :))

Good calls on better comms False :)

“Ori” 😭😭😭

That’s was sooooo close against cyan, my goodness

Gosh this event was SO close

Sky Battle

“Mr. Fruit ridge over here” the temptation to make a gay joke is nearing max capacity

“I was reviewing the map ‘cause I’m a dork” I love her, you don’t understand, Dave Krtzy my beloved

False advocating for hermit on hermit violence, as she should lol

Dave popping off!! He’s insane!!!

“Alright, new plan for me: not miss the jump” I love you False

Shelby’s death was so sad what

That second round territory battle was so tense, sad how much it threw them off though

Good eyes and good comms, rip to lime but blue handled that sneak attack like absolute champs

Fruit popping off???? Not unexpected by any means, but it was so chaotic and he was just running around like ‘mhm yep and dead’ what a king

Dave and Fruit holding hands, real

Dave only has banger opinions, MCC is about the silly goofy first and foremost

Not the AirPods 😭😭😭

Hole in the Wall

“Whatever happens, we did great” “Whatever happens, I love you guys” what is this, the finale battle to defeat the Firelord???? /lh I love them

They’re too in the zone to do meaningless things like so called ‘bodily functions’

Oh the way Shelby went out was so tragic, she bounced and slipped all the way off the edge ;-;

“Purple! No- I wish I never said that, I’m shutting up” Shelby 😭

NOOOOOO why does Shelby always go out in the saddest ways

“We did our best” real and true!!

Dave s-tier real and true!!! If you disagree you hate nonbinary people /j

Dodgebolt

I think they’re getting confused on who’s saying “purple” vs “Purpled” lol

“This is what [All Stars] should’ve been” Shelby spitting absolute facts

Gumi insane!!!

False changing sides just as her new pick loses rip

Ah yes, reverse psychology on reality as we know it

“I have faith in Purpled, which probably means he’s gonna miss these… yep”

GGs, great team, great time

[the-anonymous-vent-blog]

this feels so silly to come to vent blog but here i am lol

i feel like i'm never going to grow out of my insecurity. i'm not insecure in the way i see it portrayed with everyone else. i'm fourteen and if these are what hormones are like i don't think i can do it. i've always had anger issues, i've always been sensitive and i've always been unhealthily jealous but as i've entered teenagehood, it's only gotten worse.

i'm constantly, always lashing out at the people i love and getting angry at them whenever they call me out on it. i hold onto grudges even weeks after the incident has passed and tell other people about it as if it just happened to make myself seem like the bigger, better person. i form wickedly strong attachments to people that i've just met and create such unrealistic standards of who they'll be that when they inevitably don't meet them i come apart at the seams and feel like my life is over and i need to take drastic measures for two weeks, then i lose the attachment and form an arguably worse obsession where i'm bitter and angry and jealous and want nothing but the worst for them but they dont feel nearly as vividly as i do so i feel stupid and it creates this cycle that im really fucking sick of because i've never met anyone who loves or hates as strongly as i do and i feel like im going crazy

i am such an awful person because of my insecurity and i hate myself for it

it's been so long and i'm so young and i know yo7 cant get rid of insecurity overnight andnit's a "self-love" thing but i'm really, really suffering. i wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. i have periods of time where i'm good, i feel really fucking fantastic and i don't care about other people and online shit and i think "i was just being dramatic, im actually fine" and then something small happens and i fall apart all over again and it gets worse every time

i dont even know what to do. im sorry if this is too much to put on a vent blog, please ignore this if it is im just feeling weird and it's 9pm and thats probably why im so emotional right now i just want to know im not alone

🍎

Alright first things first- never base your perception of anything on the way books or shows, any kind of story made for entertainment, portrays them. They can help if the team making them is particularly attentive, but they little inherent benefit to being accurate.

Good news- It isn't just hormones. Yes, hormones can make your issues worse and cause instability, but there is always something you can do to fix this problem by your own hand.

Additionally, you just happen to be asking someone who's gone through something very similar!

Bad news- I got through the worst of it through sheer force of will, heavy dissociation, and several years of unwilling social isolation. So lets hopefully avoid that for you! (Even if it does, its really not the end of your life)

Its going to really tough. I mean it. Sometimes it'll feel like you're not making progress at all. Sometimes you won't want to get better. You might make some Bad decisions.

What do to- therapy. I often recommend therapy, because seriously, it is heavily underrated. Your therapist can provide you with many exercises, resources, and its very good to have someone listen who can respond in a constructive manner. I was able to get therapy because my highschool offered it for free, and by my second year I was old enough to make those decision without parental permission thanks to local laws. See if your school, local community center, or other provides similair services.

Support system! A good support system is essential to getting through this. It's going to feel counterintuitive, but stick around those people that didn't meet your standards. It's important to build a social network, and upon learning to tolerate them, you may find yourself truly loving and caring for one or several of them.

Journaling! When having trouble with your thought processes, this is very good! You can get an overview of your stream of consciousness, physically get a look at the areas you need to improve on, and take steps to correcting your attitude. Changing the way we think is important to healing, and this can help catch harmful thoughts. It can also help you catch bad ideas before you try to execute them irl.

Overall- ^^These are just the things I feel are most relevant to your situation. There are many different steps you can take, and plenty of resources online to help you determine whats best for you. THE most important thing however, is to want change. That seems easy, but none of this will change fast. This is the sort of thing that can easily take years. It takes a determination that can be easy to let go of in favor of instinctual reactions and whatever gives you dopamine. These emotions will come and go, and the best you can do is sometimes simply trying to not let them drown you.

Remember, you're not irredeemable. You're just a kid, and being a kid is fucking difficult. <3

[dancingintheflames]

Back On My Bullshit

So, long time no see (or type)

I don't even know where to start for an update

Mostly I guess I just want to go back to actually using this as a blog

I need somewhere to vent, and rant, and try to organize my thoughts

I finished my first year at actually attending Uni in person. My grades were a hell of a lot worse than I was hoping/expecting, but I'm trying to accept them and acknowledge that it could have been a lot worse. I ended up with an A/B average both semesters. The end of the year was really hard. My across the hall neighbor? acquaintance? friend? (i don't really know how to quantify the relationship. I saw them all the time, I liked them, and we hung out a few times during the year, and I thought they were cool, but we didn't really talk, y'know?) tried to kill themselves the last week of school, and we got the news they passed away during finals week.

TBH, I've pretty much been dissociating since then. It wasn't exactly the easiest year, and that was really just the cherry on top. I think it's compounded by the fact that because I'm pretty much the oldest person in the dorm, I do feel protective/responsible/i-don't-even-know-what over everyone. And they were so young. They were barely 18. And I've been there and I tried that and I was lucky because I survived and my stubborn ass carved myself a life that I don't hate now, but it still has been A Lot to try to process, and my brain doesn't want to. Which is probably while I've been dissociated/derealized etc etc etc.

I'm both trying to claw my way back to functioning, and giving in to the self destructive coping skills right now. I've been drinking too much, and I'm seriously considering giving in to the urge to restrict/relapse. Pretty much the only thing I have going for me is that I haven't relapsed for self-harm or suicidal tendencies. I went entirely too long without showering or doing laundry or basically doing anything.

I've made some progress on that front this week. I at least got a load of laundry done, so I showered and have clean clothes and put clean sheets on my bed.

I dyed my hair (although I forgot How Much Hair I have, so I ran out, it turned out really bad, and I just got back from getting more so I can try to fix it) and I've painted my nails again. I'm hoping I can try to start feeling more like myself again, or at least start feeling more like I actually belong in my body again, instead of constantly feeling like I'm a sad clown balloon tied to my wrist, and just floating along for the ride.