#i should be dead
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He is the brainrot one in the family...
#Such an alpha male#i should be dead#chonny jash#art#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cj heart#cj mind#cj soul#animatic#digital art
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„It’s hard to understand you“. Yes I know, I live with my thoughts 24/7 and don’t even understand myself.
#tw depressing thoughts#alone with my thoughts#depressing shit#feeling alone#sad thoughts#mentally exhausted#mentally tired#sadnees#overthinking#self h@te#i hate everything#i should be dead#struggling mentally#tw selfhate#i want to kms#im useless#overthinker
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I should've died I should've died I should've died
#drunk with strangers on Christmas Day#he went to bed#I stole his mum in law's fags#because I want to die#so bad#so so bad#why did I let him propose#I should be dead#kill me please
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Well. Gotham certainly is an experience. I just got. Robbed. Uhm. That's not suppose to be good. And I am not supposed to be calm. I don't think the fact that a gun was loaded and pushed to my face fully rendered. Story time later. God
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I fucking hate myself.
#I am a waste of space#I deserve to die#I’ll never amount to anything#I am a complete failure#I’m a horrible selfish person#I don’t deserve to live#vent#I’m so fucking disgusting#I should be dead#I need to die#and instead I’m just venting online for attention and curled up into a ball crying#so many people have it worse than me#I’m just some asshole behind a screen posting about my personal woes#I think things would be a lot better for everyone if I was dead#I might be selfish but at least if I was dead I can’t hurt anyone anymore#I’m worried people will leave me
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Why anyone ever bothers with me I have no idea..
Since when do I make anything better..
Since when am I even remotely good for people..
#tired#exhausted#deppressed#numb#mentally tired#lonliness#pathetic#sad thoughts#deppresing thoughts#suicidal#i hate myself#i wanna die#i should be dead
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Ok, I’m immortal. I’ve fallen off so many cliffs that my adrenaline doesn’t even kick in anymore, I’ve accidentally ingested 5X the lethal dose of caffeine, I’ve accidentally drank bleach and wasn’t even nauseous (I said ‘2/10, wouldn’t try again’), Ive lost so much blood that I should’ve been at the ER but was just fine and cleaned it up, I’ve been hit by a semi truck (only like 25MPH tho, I still got knocked pretty far) and got up and was just really dizzy, etc.
I thought it was luck, but the lethal doses scratched that out. I thought it was plot armor, that was obviously out the window pretty quick. I thought it was one of the Eldritch deities I have the favor of (don’t ask, I’m not really sure how it happened either.) they didn’t do it. I was so confused… until I remembered
I always say ‘I LIVE OUT OF PURE SPITE FOR REALITY’
I CAN LITERALLY INFLUENCE REALITY IF I PUT IN ENOUGH EFFORT BUT I DIDNT REALIZE I COULD JUST FORCE SOME RULES OF REALITY TO NOT APPLY TO ME
IVE BEEN LITERALLY IMMORTAL OUT OF SPITE SINCE I WAS NINE- HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????

#guess this is my life now#it scares me#immortality#magic#reality warping#I’m immortal out of spite??#how did this happen#why did i do this#out of spite#spite for reality#eldrich horror#oh shit#what is my biology#Will I ever die#does this mean I can’t die of old age??#accidentally used magic#even the Eldritch gods are confused#I gave one of the Eldritch deities a mental breakdown on accident#gods fear me#I’m scared of what I’m capable of#holy shit I’m basically a god#oh no#this isn’t what I meant when I said I live out of spite#this isnt a joke#I should be dead#how am i alive#what have i done#magic gone wrong#ah shit here we go again#existential crisis
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fuck today
ptsd hits hard
#an I’m sitting in my bathroom#dont have the gun#do have the whiskey#seeing Connor today#fucked me right up#i can be functional#when somebody needs me#but hes in stasis now#and he’s okay#and I’m#not#just rmemebering#all my shit#i should be dead#not him
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I don't want to go anywhere but I'll be forced because it's not my vacation. I can't have a rest. I'm just a problem, inconvenience.
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maybe i deserved all the bad things that happened to me.
#...spoken word#maybe i am just an awful person through and through#unloveable and worthless and useless#i should be dead#what a waste of space i am
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I am Wolverine in real life.
Just a billion times lamer.
First “apartment” out of college dorms was a room in a house with a bunch of strangers. I replaced my door knob with a front door lock because my mother isn’t paranoid, she just was an emergency room nurse.
(seriously, poor woman earned her terror of what would happen to her children)
Naturally, I locked myself out of my room once.
No biggie, climb in through the window! The slope of the driveway made this irrational enough that no one in their right mind would try, but definitely feasible for me!
So, the recipe including what I could scrounge up around the house was a lawn chair and five paving stones. This, understandably, took a few tries to find exactly what was needed.
I landed on one foot about the second of four attempts, ankle seemed fine (I’d had two sprained ankles by that point, two decades later it’s up to five, all related to either stairs or curbs).
After rolling into my bed, which was fortunately under the window (which was immediately locked for the remainder of my occupancy), and caught my breath, swallowed the tears…
And headed to my college for D&D.
My friends were - notably concerned when I gave someone my food card and asked them to buy me a sub, because I was back to crying.
The fact my foot wouldn’t go back into my boot after checking convinced them.
Me?
I promised I’d go to get it checked the next day.
There were about three guys in our greater friend circle (including scifi club membership) who could reliably be expected to take me (5’10” ciswoman who makes no bones about willingness to fight dirty) in a physical altercation.
My gaming group immediately began trying to figure out which of the three were on campus to haul me into a car.
The GM beat them to it - he informed me my Bard would get permanent Charisma damage if I stayed.
And, I mean, seriously, it was just my fourth metatarsal that got cracked, literally nothing the ER could do hit give me a walking cast and meds I didn’t take.
(Not my mom’s ER, thank goodness. It was embarrassing enough the one time I went in with her for a blood transfusion from the whole “not enough blood to reach my eyes so my vision was literally blacking out” chronic anemia incident and her playing with my transfusion machine to get us moving faster…)
By all rights, my body should look like Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas with all I’ve pulled on myself.
But beyond the sprains (too many to count over all joints), my total injuries are:
One broken bone
Two Facial Laceration requiring stitches (one incident)
Ignoring Uterine Bleeding for a year and a half past “reasonable concern” (and resulting damage to internal organs), but that’s on me
I believe I am the anti-injury Georg.
#anti-injury georg#injury outlier#seriously#i should be dead#not just feel like my joints#want me to be
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If only I would die with the fireworks this year
#vent post#vent#im not supposed to be here#im terrified of the idea of people thanking me for being in their lives this year#they shouldnt#i should be dead#they should have never met me#i wasnt supposed to make it this far#:(#im not as great as you guys think#im horrified any of them look up to me#they shouldn't#no one should#i should never be anyones ideal person#im horrific#im a grotesque creature that should be sedated and studied for its anatomy
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As both a late aged millennial, and an idiot, I'm really surprised I'm still alive.
I grew up on AOL, MSN, ICQ, and just accepted random risky shit to go meet some dude I didn't know. I got on when I was 13 in the kiddie pool of the internet where no one knew what the fuck was happening, it was the wild west, and you BETTER have that dancing baby, and the "under construction" gifs on your geocities.
Watching true crime about a girl who went to meet a dude she knew online and he killed her. The set up is just painfully relatable. Got some weird blurry photo? Looks good 👍 yeah you can come pick me up in your car from my house I'll give you the direct address for.
How am I still alive? Good lawd.
#i should be dead#We was the Guinea pigs#millennials#2000s nostalgia#2000s#Internet baby#online dating#romance#True crime#audhd#actually autistic#autism#autistic#autistic things#neurodivergent#adhd#late diagnosed autistic#Idiot
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seven-twenty-eight
Every July 28th
I turn another year older
And am dumbfounded as to
How in the world I got here.
Because the truth?
Is that I should be dead by now.
All reason and logic points to that.
If life were ruled by reason
I’d have pressed down on that knife at age 10;
Or taken those pills at 15;
Not vomited them up at 18;
At 22, my body was flattened by the oncoming train.
If life were ruled by reason
I’d already be long gone.
I don’t know how, or why, I’ve managed to stay this long.
I don’t know if this is as good as it gets
(and truthfully, I’ve terrified it is)
But I’ll keep on living anyway.
Despite the heartbreak and memories,
Regardless of the fear and trembling.
No matter how often I’ve been hurt,
Or how many people have abused me.
No amount of trauma or tragedy can destroy me
So sure, I should be dead by now…
But I’ll keep on living anyway.
#7/28#birthday#happy birthday#another year older#suicid3#death#recovery#mental health#mental wellness#ptsd#cptsd#complex ptsd#timberline knolls#actually cptsd#living with cptsd#post traumatic stress disorder#ptsd recovery#trauma recovery#rehab#hospital#psych hospital#psych ward#depression#eating disorder#knife#i should be dead#alive#living#I choose life
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ngl im so tired of life
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My favourite thing ever is when Jason is drawn to resemble Bruce because I KNOWW his ass would HATE it😭😭
Dick: hey Jason you haven’t forgotten our meet u— oh my god are you ok?? What happened?
Jason *rocking back and forth on the floor with a traumatised look in his eyes, whispering in horror* someone mistook me for Bruce in the grocery store today.
Random kid at a charity event pointing at Jason standing grumpily in a corner: who’s that?
Bruce (smiling fondly): that’s my son Jason!
Random kid: he looks like you! :D
Jason: *leaves the room*
Bruce (running after him): jason, Jason they didn’t mean anything by it, Jason, you’re going to jump off a balcony just because of a child’s observation Jason?
#Jason dangling off the balcony sobbing#THIS IS THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE#I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE#I SHOULD HAVE STAYED DEAD ITS TOO LATE FOR ME#WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE THIS#actually don’t answer that#AGONY PURE AGONY#I WISH I WAS BACK IN ETHIOPIA AT LEAST THAT WAS MORE MERCIFUL#Bruce: *nervously* Jason please step back from the ledge#dc comics#batman#batfam#dcu#batfamily#bruce wayne#dc robin#jason todd#red hood#bruce Wayne and Jason Todd#good dad bruce wayne#shitpost#incorrect batman quotes#incorrect batfamily quotes
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