#i should be writing this in my journal but im not because i dint fucking care!

[scoganz]

i dont care oh my god i dont care i dont fucking care

[silent-swiftie-ph]

Scribbled ideas

Nov 9, 2022

So doing this random journal again. It’s been awhile since I’ve written or talked to myself. Anyways, lately has been a rollercoaster ride for me. Dad’s bypass operation, my stressful birthday, missing my biggest stan’s “Taylor Swift” album launch, etc.

I dont know if I am for any fandom whatsoever, but as long as I can remember, Ive been a swiftie all throughout my life. I remember first hearing her songs back in 2006/2007, I was just a college student then dreaming of making a dent in this world. You know, I came from one of the top universities here in the Philippines so I was a bit full rather fool of myself.

She went here for her fearless album, but i was dead broke that time. Also, I didn’t have any support “fandom” friends with me. All of my friends are either, so-so with her or just freaking against her. 😂 well, i am still in that shit till now.

Kanye west incident, was angry as hell. I remeber rubbing the topic to my friends even though they didnt like it. I was connecting it to women power and artists equality. Like fellow artist should you know support each other. I know the feeling since I used to write my own songs and play it on my guitar when I was 13 years old. It just so happened that, that dream is something that the society here deemed impossible to achieve.

Red album was released and she also had a schedule here. I was a budding analyst and I was actually in the ticketnet website or whatever looking at the ticket prices fucking 2000 pesos for gen admission. I thought to myself that, damn. I would also need to pass this one. (Though looking back, i should have just used my mom’s credit card and worked my ass off to have it paid).

Fell of the radar for the next years or so… sadly when taylor started having model friends. I’m nowhere near their stature, im fat, im nerdy, im boyish, and im a geek. How on earth could I connect with them? Though, id still be looking back and forth from afar, this is also the time I had a gf, but unfortunately she doesnt like taylor as well. I’m bisexual by the way.

When 1989 came out, i was secretly wishing for a concert here in Manila. I really wanted to bring my then gf there and introduce taylor to her. But it didn’t happen. 😔

It was also the time that taylor was with KK, and a bunch of hotties like calvin, tom, alwyn. And I was like. “Whoaw, mom your so active all around the place. I will never ever be able to reach you.” Well I was secretly rooting/shipping kaylor because I was also in that phase during that time frame 🥲🫠

Fast forward to reputation, damn that album blew me away. It was my break up album. Well, not necessary that it’s a break-up album but I was listening to it endlessly to numb myself. I was eyeing to watch it in US coz I was supposed to go there in that certain tour dates for my business trip. Lo and behold, my business trip was rescheduled and what I did was just to visit an empty stadium and try to breathe in the essense of whatever is left in there. Hahahaha

Lovers is a mixed album for me. I mean I love it but confuses me all the time. I am no decypher queen type of fan. I think im just a creative and intellectual one. Its a declaration of love but im feeling a sense of lgbtq+ vibes to it. Tbh, i really thought Taylor was going to out herself. Hahahaha. Well, i dint care about that but lol, it was just my thought.

Miss Americana!!! This one blew me out. Personally, i have been an activist in all of my social media accounts. As I said earlier, i graduated from one of the top university here in our country and it is also a national university, so technically i have been programmed to think radically against any form of facism, unequality, racism, genderlect and everything. This film blew me away. It rekindled my connection with Taylor. I was so proud of her. I always thought her as someone who is a rockstar but not an activist. Well there are some hardcore feminist lines in her song but as a fellow feminist and activist, this really like “Mom, please hug me. I wanna be with you again” moment.

I was so sure that i will see Taylor but pandemic happened. I was a holy fucking mess. I was able to get into folklore, but damn i was a ghost for like evermore, fearless, red, and sadly midnight (which i am catching up), honestly, midnight released me from my voidness. It pulled me again here in this world. Everyone’s telling that this a dark album, but i actually dont care. I can relate to this. It’s like telling me that hey, there is this patriarchal shit going on, anxieties, over thinking, tunnel vision shits that fell through, but you will still be here. Live the hell that you want, even with a blood stained dress, love the hell that you want even you dont want to marry, forgive yourself for being the anti-hero, forgive that kid. Forgive that kid, let this all loose and celebrate, live, you’re on your own, kid. Your gonna be fine.

Always.

PS please be here in Manila. I believe I’ve saved enough to get VVIP ticket. HAHAHAHA But srsly, i wanna thank you so much Ms Swift

@taylorswift