#i suppose being recently manic has left me questioning a lot of things

[pars-ley]

Bare yourself (part three)

Pairing: CEO Jimin x female reader

Summary: After a serious hack from your office building, fingers start being pointed but in which direction is the right one and where will that leave you and your boss, Jimin?

Genre: CEO au / smut / angst / series / workplace au / strangers to lovers au / boss/employee au

Rating: 18+ (NSFW)

Warnings: Phone sex / Masturbation m and f / Police interrogation / Explicit language / CEO Jimin

Word count: 3.5k

Beta: @erotikkook thank you!

Notes: Ok, so this took me a ridiculously long time to finish, life is manic but here's the next chapter. Thank you for being patient. Hope you all enjoy!

Taglist: @jungkooksbroski @unoriginal-username15432 @yoobikook @vonvi-blog @itsohhonney @kpopnoobsstuff @namyoongles @btsmosphere @autumnbear @ownthesunshine @btstista​

"Miss l/n, we know the hack came from inside the building. All I want to do is find out who's responsible. Which means I need your cooperation." Detective Kim Namjoon peers at you over the frames of his dark glasses. 

"And like I've said, you have my full cooperation. I cannot tell you anything more than I already have." You respond leaning forward on the table, desperate for him to believe you.

He slumps back in his seat and sighs. "Miss l/n, we can't keep doing this back and forth routine. I-"

"Sir, I love my job and I love this company," you interrupt. "I also think very highly of my boss, I. Would. Not. Do. This."

"How high?"

You freeze at his sudden change of questioning. "What?"

"How high?" He repeats. "Is something going on between you two?"

You straighten your back, looking at him through narrowed eyes, feeling the rock of a lie settle in your stomach and weigh you down. "Mr. Kim, I am a professional."

He puts both his hands up in surrender. "No offense intended ma'am. It's just that some of your other coworkers seem quite smitten with him."

You almost roll your eyes, knowing you were probably just as dreamy eyed as your co-workers but too proud to admit it.

"Oh, and they did mention the two of you cosying up at a recent work party."

You resist the urge to swallow as your heart pounds violently inside you, panic squeezing your pumping organ in a vice grip. You thought no one had noticed your exchange or your absence when you both left.  

"We were talking, yes. He offered me a promotion and wanted to discuss it."

He looks impressed. "Wow, what a good opportunity, he must trust you a lot."

"He did." 

"Until this?" He scrubs a hand over his smooth face and you nod.

"Um-hm. What would you say you could hack into?"

You frown, not understanding the question. "Sorry?"

"Could you hack just about anything?"

Thinking about it you shrug, "Most things I'd say."

"Even something as impenetrable as this program?"

You laugh. "Sir, I designed the security portion of this program, I wouldn't need to hack into it." You lean forward again. "Let me explain something to you, if I were to do something like this, I would have been in and out without anyone knowing. I would know how to cover my tracks without being detected."

You pause rubbing your temples, "If you ask me, this was done by someone with a limited knowledge of hacking and computers. Either that or this person is trying to frame someone in the company. They're your two options."

He smiles at you, two dimples forming an endearing crevice in his cheeks.

"They told me you were smart."

You rub your face ignoring his remark. "I have been here for hours. Am I free to go or are you going to charge me with something?"

"Just one more question. What were you doing last night?"

Your heart stutters before pounding guiltily against your ribcage, with every beat you're almost sure you can hear Jimin's name. Ji-min. Ji-min.

Folding your hands in your lap to disguise you pinching your wrist under the table, trying to do anything to keep your hectic mind calm as you know you have to lie.

"I was at home."

"Alone?" 

The smirk he gives you makes your stomach churn, as if he can see right through you and your lies, as if he can see everything that transpired last night flashing behind your eyes. 

"Yes." Your voice comes out raspy, a sudden dry patch in your throat makes you swallow involuntarily.

"Run me through your evening." He sinks lower into his seat, you're almost waiting for him to pull out a footstool and put his feet up.

"We set up the project, waited for it to go live-"

"Who's we?"

"My team, myself and Mr. Park."

He nods and gestures a hand for you to continue.

"Once it was live, we monitored it for a few hours, checked everything was in working order and most of my team went home for the night. It was pretty late by then."

He jots your account down on his laptop, the keys clicking furiously as you speak.

"What time is 'late'?"

"Around 10ish."

He raises his brows. "Is that a typical work day for you?"

You shake your head. "No, it was only because we wanted to make sure everything went ok with the go live, a few tweaks and adjustments had to be made, nothing major."

He nods, eyes focused on his screen. "Is that usual at the end of a project, tweaks and adjustments?" 

You shrug. "Sometimes yes, on big projects, sometimes you can't see certain errors until a go live."

"Ok, so it's 10 o'clock and your team have gone home, leaving you and Mr. Park. What happened next?"

You massage your temples. "We spoke in his office."

"About what?"

Your hand slams down on the table, an action you didn't intend. "Is that relevant?"

He looks up startled, then smiles. "Why? Have I touched a nerve?"

You resist the urge to lean across the table and pound your fist into his smug face and instead lean back in your seat with your arms folded, an attempt at shielding yourself. "We spoke about the project and the result. It seemed to be successful, at the time, so we had a celebratory night cap."

He shoves his laptop aside, leaning forward on his elbows, ears pricked and ready. "Let me get this straight. You and the - forgive me - handsome Mr. Park are alone in the building, in his office and having a night cap, late at night?"

"Yes." You reply bluntly, the arrogance of him, so sure he'll find your lie, flaming your veins with rage.

"Does Mr. Park regularly have his colleagues in his office for a night cap?"

"I wouldn't know sir, I'm not his secretary."

"Even if you were, she'd have gone home hours ago, according to you." He pauses watching you, his eyes so intense they feel smothering-suffocating. 

His stare eases, releasing you from its hold. "Ok continue, what happened after your night cap?" He relaxes and goes back to typing. 

You breathe a sigh of relief, air feeling light and free again.

"We talked, I finished my drink, then I went home."

"How did you get home?"

You pause. If you lie, they're bound to see the footage of you and Jimin leaving the building together, with you getting into his car. 

"Miss l/n? How did you get home?" 

Here he goes looking expectantly over the rim of his glasses again.

"Mr. Park gave me a ride home."

And there was that infuriating smirk again. "Is that so? Was his driver there or did Mr. Park do the driving?"

You feel the heat on the back of your neck as you're reminded of how Jimin's hands felt on your skin, hot and eager in the back of the car. "His driver took me."

"With Mr. Park."

You nod slowly. 

"And I suppose he just said goodnight and off you went?"

"You're correct, sir." 

"And Mr. Park will vouch for this story of yours?" He taps his bottom lip with the pen he just pulled out of his pocket.

You nod. "He will because it's the truth." You're both praying and hoping you'd have a chance to speak to Jimin before he got interviewed...if he hasn't been already. God, if they found out you were lying about this, it would make you look so guilty.

"Uh-huh. One other thing…"

Fighting the frustrated growl boiling up inside you, you give him a false smile.

"Do you have any idea why someone would want to hack this software?"

You mull it over briefly, "I would imagine, seeing as it's a security breach for information, that it's to steal. Most of our clients are..." you struggle to find the appropriate wording.

"Rich." He intejects.

You nod agreeing.

"Ummm." He adds watching you, before sitting up and closing his laptop abruptly. "Ok, miss l/n, you're free to go. But we'll be in touch, I assure you." 

He stands up and you quickly follow him out of the room. When he shows you the direction the exit is in he turns to face you and holds out a hand. 

"It's been a pleasure, miss l/n, I know you probably won't be able to say the same, nevertheless." He shakes your hand with a half smile causing the dimple to return, somehow completely softening his face.

You nod and leave as quickly as your tired body will let you.

The cool, night air hitting your face immediately calms your panicked mind. You need to speak to Jimin but it might not be safe to do so.

"Are you ok, y/n?" A deep voice sounds from beside you, silencing all your other chaotic thoughts.

You spin and see Taehyung leaning casually against the pillar of the building smoking.

You relax at the sight of a familiar face. Jimin's personal assistant has always been friendly and kind towards you. You weren't sure but rumours in your company suggested that the two of them were even brothers, although you doubted it as they didn't resemble each other in the slightest.

"Yeah, glad to be out of there though." You reply, massaging the back of your neck.

"I bet, you've been in there a long time. I saw you leave to go to the station with them hours ago."

You nod. "It's been a long and very trying day. Are you waiting to be interviewed?"

He nods, taking a long drag, you watch as the end illuminates orange. 

"Well, I hope they don't keep you in there too long."

"They shouldn't. I've been away, only got back last night. Don't see how much use I can be to them."

He flicks his cigarette into the road and closes the distance between you.

"Listen, if there's anything you need or if you just want to talk or rant, anything. Don't hesitate to give me a call." He hands you his card. "This is a tough situation for everyone, we all need someone every now and then."

His bright, boxy grin has your mouth upturning before you know it. You thank him and hail and cab. Glancing at him, you see him watching you as the car drives away, unsure as to whether he's flirting or you're reading too much into it and he's being his usual cheerful self.

You shrug it off. All you can think of is getting home, running a nice, hot bath and forgetting this day ever happened.

*****

Back to reality as you sit with your silk robe wrapped around you, your laptop positioned neatly on your thighs, going through every possible way someone could have hacked into this, looking for how they got in. 

But nothing made sense, this was definitely not a hack done by someone with limited knowledge as you originally thought. 

There was no trace of anything left behind, no mark that anyone had even been in. Which only means, the hack had to be someone with inside knowledge of the project already, it definitely wasn't an outside hacker.

A more alarming finding was discovering the computer used for the hack was actually yours.

But why make it so obvious where the hack took place and which computer...unless...someone is trying to frame you. This wasn't something you had realistically considered. 

If you were honest, no one was even jumping out at you as a suspect. You trusted everyone in your team and everyone who helped on this project.

You sigh, massaging your temples as you try to clear your mind.

A harsh knock on the door makes you jump and you glance at your phone. 

02.31.

Who on earth would be knocking at this hour?

You head over, opening the door slightly with the chain still pulled tight across, to see a man; hat pulled down covering his eyes, standing there handing you a small, brown package through the gap.

"It's from Jimin." He says quietly. You watch his mouth - the only part of his face you can see - stretch into a gummy smile, before turning and exiting the building. 

Bewildered, you close the door and rip open the box. Staring at its contents and searching for some kind of note explaining what on earth this is for. 

A phone. 

What are you supposed to do with it?

You take it out, examining it and noticing the mistletoe background. Just like the mistletoe you first kissed Jimin under.

You jump out of your skin, fear firing an ice bolt right through you as it lights up and starts ringing.

Hesitantly, you answer. "Hello?"

"Y/n," Jimin's breathy voice sounds in your ear and sends a scattering of goosebumps across your skin. "I'm sorry for the cloak and dagger but I'm unsure if I'm being watched."

"By the police?" You ask, worried at the urgency in his voice.

"Not just them. Listen," he starts before you can interject. "I want you to know that no matter how it seems or what I say in front of other people, I do believe that you had nothing to do with this hack."

The relief that floods you has your shoulders relaxing instantly, not even aware they were tense. "I am glad to hear you say that, thank you."

"I also want to apologise, I did not mean for your involvement with me to put you at risk of any trouble."

You frown, trying to make sense of his words. "I really don't see how the two are connected."

He sighs and the urge you have to comfort him, to wrap your arms around him until his stress is eased, almost has you putting on your shoes and coat. "It doesn't matter. Things are complicated with me and it wasn't fair for me to drag you into that."

"Hey, hey," you sit down on the edge of your bed. "You didn't drag me anywhere. I'm a big girl Jimin, I can make my own decisions, last night being one of them and I definitely do not have any regrets about that."

You're met with silence as you find yourself fiddling with the bedsheets, reminiscing his touch. 

"I most definitely do not regret it either." He finally says. You think you can hear a slight smile in his voice. "That was a moment I had wanted for longer than I care to admit."

His unexpected confession causes a furious blush to creep up your chest.

"I wish I could see you." The desperation in his voice makes you hot underneath your robe.

"Why don't you come over?" You ask, hesitantly biting your lower lip.

"I wish I could, lord knows I do, but I can't risk it, for your sake." 

You collapse back on the bed in frustration, his scent jumps up and captures you, pulling your mind into filthy places. "My bed sheets still smell like you." You say the words before thinking them through. 

"Do they?" His voice is suddenly husky and full of want. "And what is going through that impressive mind of yours?" 

"You are. Your touch, your taste, how I wish to feel your perfect lips on me again." Your hand makes its way down to open your robe, cool air hitting your skin and puckering your nipples.

"Hmm-mm, and what are you doing while you're thinking about me?" He asks.

"What do you want me to do, Jimin?" You accentuate his name, knowing how much he loves it when you say it.

"Touch yourself." He whispers.

You waste no time in obeying, as your fingers travel quickly down to your throbbing clitorous. The feel of your fingertips massaging your sweet bud makes you moan.

"Oh god, this makes me want to see you even more." He groans. 

You use the phone to snap a quick photo of your actions and send it to the number you're on the line too. "Incoming message, sir." You say teasingly.

"Oh, fuck," he says in the distance and instantly followed by the sound of his trouser zipper being undone. "You make me crazy." His voice is right back at your ear.

"Jimin, I wish it was my mouth around your rock hard cock." 

"Me too, angel. God, what I wouldn't give to feel you around me. Tell me, what would you want me to do to you?" He grunts, the sound of him pleasuring himself causes a gush of arousal to spill from your eager hole and you spread it over yourself.

"I'd want your mouth on me...everywhere, tasting just how wet I am for you." You pant.

"Just for me?" 

"Yes, all for you." You lightly trace circles over your swollen sweet spot, toes curling when he breathes your name down the phone.

"I want to be inside you, again." 

"Anytime, anywhere, just tell me." You whisper, that undeniable build up already at peak point. "I'm going to cum." 

"That's it angel, cum with me." 

You unravel, back arching off the bed and burying your face into the sheets, relishing his scent. You hear him orgasm, repeating your name continuously. It makes you smile inside and it makes you feel powerful knowing how much he wants you.

"I have to say," he says, after you both get your breath back. "That was not the reason for me sending the phone."

You can't help but laugh at that. "What was the reason?"

He sighs again. "Mostly, to apologise and to have a way to speak to you that I know is safe. We have to be careful, now."

"Why, what are you so worried about?"

A long pause. "I can't," you can almost hear his inner turmoil, the fight with himself. "I'm just trying to protect you. You don't need to be involved."

You're about to argue but something inside you stills. If you push someone like Jimin too much, he'll only clam up further, he'll open up when he's ready...you hope.

"Keep this phone on, ok?" He pleads.

"More late night phone sex?" You tease, chewing your lip.

"I wouldn't say no," he laughs. "I do, however, just want to be able to talk to you, if that's ok?" 

You nod and realise he can't see that. "Of course, anytime."

"I wouldn't say that, you'll never get me off the phone." 

You feel yourself smiling like a cheshire cat, feeling like a lovesick school girl again. What has this man reduced you to?

"Goodnight y/n. Sleep well, angel." He hangs up the phone, leaving your heart stuttering and your stomach flipping with excitement. The prospect of something new on the horizon, even with all the current problems you're facing, something still seeming positive might come out of this. All you can do is hope.

******

Getting ready for work the next morning you felt conflicted, part of you was on cloud nine, drifting blissfully along on nothing but hope and dreams. The other part was dreading the work day and what it could bring, plus you still had your own discreet investigating to do.

A harsh, yet cheerful rap on your door, startled you. 

Rushing to the door to see who it is, a small part clinging onto a chance it could be Jimin, only to be disappointed when you open the door and find detective Kim Namjoon staring back at you.

"Ah Miss l/n, I'm so glad I caught you before work, could I come in?" The same smug smile stretching his full lips as he leans casually against your door frame, his laptop hooked under his arm.

"Really? Right now, I'll be late for work." You reply, feeling a bit like a deer caught in headlights.

"That's ok, I've already informed your boss of your late arrival." He assures you cockily. "So, can I …?"

You grit your teeth and step out of the way, gesturing for him to enter. 

You watch as he studies every inch of your living area, peering into your bedroom.

"What is it I can help you with, detective?"

He turns to you, "Ah, yes of course." 

Setting his laptop down on your dining room table, hitting a few keys and spinning it round towards you. "You might want to sit down for this." He says, as he hits the play button.

You ignore him and watch. 

Video footage of your office building, of you walking to your office partition specifically. You watch yourself sit in the empty building, at your computer and leave again. You look up at the detective, confusion marring your brow and he simply taps the screen where the date and time stamp are.

You follow it, and re-read it at least three times, eyes open wider than ever, as if that'll somehow help you see different numbers.

The frown creases deeper into your forehead as your brain catches up with the fact that the video shows you, alone in the building, at the exact time and date of the hack. 

[exhaustedfander]

Hello, hope your day is going good! Not sure if your requests are still open, but if so, could I ask for some intrulogical? Thanks! ^^

Okay, so this was obviously just supposed to be a one-part thing, but I couldn’t help but run with this idea so it’s gonna actually be two or three parts. Probably three, if I’m honest. Warning for gore and character being terribly injured. I’d love to hear what you think! 

Summary: Remus and Logan's friendship has grown greatly in the last few months, coming as a surprise to Logan. His feelings for Remus have been... complicated, to say the least, as of late, but when the creative side extends him an invitation to his side of The Imagination, Logan accepts happily. However, what befalls them once in Remus's realm is unlike anything either of them could've imagined. 

Word Count: 2,988

a03 link

NFWMB: Part One

It is by no means Logan’s first time in the imagination. Roman has dragged him into his realm many instances in the past, eager to show him the things that he’d created and, though he’s never explicitly stated it, desperate for approval.

It isn’t as though Logan isn’t impressed with Roman’s creations, at least not entirely. Sometimes, Roman has brought him in for the purpose of allowing him to conduct experiments on the things he’s dreamed up and study the worlds he can form. However, most of the time, Roman is so caught up in making everything absolutely perfect that Logan is to some extent left at the wayside.

That isn’t to mention the many dangerous creatures that Roman tends to surround himself with; Logan will never understand his obsession with fighting monsters that boast strength and size far exceeding his own.

Roman hasn’t asked him to come ‘adventuring’ in some time, though, and Logan’s fairly certain he knows the reason why. After all, recently he’s been spending a great deal of time with his twin.

Initially, Logan hadn’t thought of a relationship of any kind between himself and Remus to be possible. For the most part, Remus represents Thomas’s intrusive thoughts, something that in itself largely goes against logic. He’s an incredibly unpredictable person, something Remus proudly refers to himself as, and his sense of humor, as far as Logan is concerned, far deviates from himself.

Except… with time, Logan learns that Remus isn’t quite what he’d taken him for. While he is indisputably unpredictable and crude, he’s also endlessly curious. He likes to know how things work, sometimes desperate to find out, and Logan can’t help but see a bit of himself in that desire for knowledge. Additionally, something that continues to surprise Logan Is how well the duke listens.

In truth, Logan has become more and more frustrated with his fellow sides as of late. While he continues to claim he possesses no emotion, day by day that’s proven to be a falsehood. So often, Logan’s advice is brushed aside with little regard to how that might affect him. Logan is determined to be taken seriously, to be listened to, and he doesn’t always find that with the others.

But with Remus?

Their conversations can go on for hours without either of them realizing the passage of time. Usually, Logan tries to limit how much he blathers, knowing he can easily get lost in his ramblings, but oftentimes, Remus encourages him to continue.

“I like hearing you nerd out,” Remus had said once, strange fascination written on his face, “keep going, nerdy wolverine.”

And so, Logan does. Despite all his better judgment, he allows himself to ‘nerd out’ about all of the topics that interest him. Outer Space, the depths of the ocean, all the strangest flora and fauna planet Earth has to offer, anything and everything is talked about. His conversations with Remus are so engaging, he seldom minds when the topic suddenly shifts as it often does. It’s hard for the others to match Logan’s pace in conversation, but Remus accomplishes it with ease.

So, when Remus offers to take Logan into the Imagination, he’s absolutely thrilled.

“You can study all the weird gross shit,” Remus declares, “Bring back samples to dissect, or whatever. I’ll show you all the best spots; you’re gonna love the river of blood!”

“A river of blood?” Logan asks, doing very little to hide the excitement in his voice, “Fascinating. I certainly look forward to it.”

Remus smiles at that. It isn’t the manic grin he flashes at the others most times, there’s no malice or devious intentions behind it, in fact, it’s a rather soft expression. Almost too soft, Logan decides. He’s not used to Remus wearing such an innocuously happy expression. Now that he thinks about it, he can’t recall the last time one of the other sides have brought out such an expression in Remus, and the feeling the thought elicits is one Logan is quick to shut down. He can’t stand here, thinking about him being the reason Remus has such a peaceful expression without freaking out a bit (a lot), so he’s not going to think about it. Simple as that.

“Well then let’s go!” Remus says excitedly, grabbing his hand and dragging him in the direction of his room. Logan’s stricken by surprise for a moment; he didn’t know Remus meant right now. Even so, he allows the intrusive side to lead him along, doing his best to disregard the feeling of warmth that shoots up his arm in response to the contact.

While Logan has spent a great deal of time in The Imagination in the past with Roman, studying the rolling hills speckled with castles and towers as well as the many mythical creatures that inhabit it, he’s never been in Remus’s half and it would be quite the understatement to say that he’s excited for the possibility of discovery.

Remus brings him to a neon green door in his room, faded with age and littered in slashes, likely left from his Morning Star. Remus hasn’t let go of Logan’s hand yet, still holding tight as he pulls them through the door and the pair stepped into Remus’s side of the Imagination.

Immediately, Logan’s awestruck. He’s used to the sprawling green fields, bright blue skies with puffy white clouds. He’s used to wildflowers and woodland creatures roaming the forest, many of which most likely, somehow, possessing a singing voice. Logan’s used to a setting straight out of Disney film and this… isn’t that at all.

Remus’s half, while also a forest with rolling hills, is not bathed in sunlight. The only light that shines is that of the crescent moon that hangs high in the night sky. The foliage is not green and vibrant, instead dark as pitch and looking rather venomous. Logan can see a crumbling tower off in the distance, one that seems to resemble Rapunzel’s in a twisted way. Perhaps it resembles that of Disney’s creations more than Logan initially thought, but certainly in a far darker way. He loves it.

“Remus, this is so… different than Roman’s half. Is it night here, all the time?” Remus nods.

“It sure is! Cool, right?”

“It’s incredible. I can’t believe I haven’t been here until now.”

“Well, Roman just hates to come over here, it’s no wonder you’ve never been. He says it’s positively deplorable; and he’s right! But you’re with me, now,” Remus says, his grip tightening on Logan’s hand slightly, “C’mon, I’ll show you everything!”

It’s clear that Remus is excited to show Logan this world, and Logan is just as eager to learn. Not long ago, he’d thought the idea of him and Remus being friends was beyond absurd. But now? Now Logan can’t find himself minding as Remus drags him down a beaten path, conjuring a lantern for them to see by.

“This is intriguing,” Logan notes, letting go of Remus’s hand and crouching near a plant that seems to resemble that of the Venus Fly Trap.

“Careful, specs, that thing eats human brains,” Remus explains casually, “And I’m sure you look like a whole-ass meal, what with all the brains up in your head.” Logan grimaces, though he can’t help the strange compliment of his intelligence endearing, in a clumsy, uniquely Remus way.

“Where do you find the… food to supply it with?” Remus shrugs.

“Oh, you know, here and there.” Logan decides not to question it further, instead allowing Remus to lead the way.

“You spoke of a river of blood,” Logan says after a moment, seeing Remus’s eyes lit up with manic glee, “I’d very much like to see that.”

“Right, ‘course! C’mon, it’s just this way! It’s so deep you could drown in it, Lo! Wouldn’t that be the coolest? Drowning in blood!” Remus asks, though Logan has very little chance to answer, as Remus is talking again, lengthily about the prospect of drowning in human fluids of various kind. Logan can’t find it in himself to be disgusted; after all, thinking of what it would be like to drown in blood, vs, say, stomach acid is rather interesting to contemplate.

They walk down the path, Remus’s torch guiding their way, though it’s clear the Intrusive Side knows his realm quite well. Logan’s fairly sure he could traverse it in pitch-black darkness, no problem. The lantern is probably only there to assure him in some way, and Logan can’t help but dwell on that for a moment.

That is until he hears a loud sound overhead that jars him from his thoughts.

“What in the world is that?” Logan asks, craning his neck to look up into the black sky. Quickly, Logan realizes that the strange noise seems to be flapping, a dark, incredibly large outline is just barely visible.

“Oh, that’s probably just the bat.” Logan turns to Remus, horror surely present in his expression.

“The bat?! How large is it? From the sound of it flapping, as well as what I can make out of it –.”

“Pretty fuckin’ big,” Remus says nonchalantly, before seeing the look in Logan’s eyes, “Whoa, hey, there’s no need to panic, nerd.  It’ll probably just keep flying, anyway. It usually only eats Unicorns, and most of those live on Roman’s side.”

Logan isn’t one to believe in something as silly as a jinx, and yet the thought can’t help but come to mind as the bat suddenly pauses before swooping, growing closer to them with each passing second. Logan finds his hand pressed into Remus’s again, this time by his own intention, squeezing it.

“Remus – it, it appears to be getting closer…” Remus nods, his eyes trained on the beast quickly gaining in closeness.

“Yeah, yeah I see it.”

“Should – should we run?” Logan finds himself asking. He’s never had to worry about this with Roman; while he often creates monsters far too large to handle, they’ve never gotten too close when Logan was present. Now though, this thing is heading right toward them and blood is pounding into Logan’s ears.

“Nah, we’re good,” Remus says, his Morning Star appearing in his hand as he turns to Logan, a reassuring smile on his face, “Don’t worry, Nerdy Wolverine, I’ve got this –.”

Remus shouldn’t have turned away, not even for the second that he did because the monster is upon them, it’s long talons grabbing hold of Remus and pulling him from Logan. Remus’s Morning Star falls to the ground as well as the lantern, which shatters upon impact. The flapping of creature’s wings shakes the trees as it bites down on Remus, who lets out a groan of agony.

“Remus!” Logan shouts, icy panic flooding his veins.

He watches in horror as the creature’s grip tightens around Remus, carrying him up higher and higher. Logan doesn’t know how this realm works, the rules and regulations of these monsters, if there even are any, but he does know that he’s presently seeing Remus being carried away. This situation is devoid of logic, a beast of such absurd size overtaking his friend, and Logan doesn’t know what to do. How can he possibly help? How can he do anything but watch and scream in horror, a sound he’s barely aware he’s making.

Suddenly, in his struggle Remus manages to deliver a sharp kick to the beast, it’s bird-like talons releasing him in response. The fall must be twenty feet, at least. Remus hits the ground with an unsettling thud, hissing in pain. Logan clampers over to him in an instant, eyes quickly scanning Remus’s body. Nothing looks broken, somehow, but he can’t be sure and there’s blood, there’s a lot of blood beginning to seep from his wounds, and –

“Remus? Remus, can you hear me?”

The creative side groans, though that seems to be the extent of his capability of speech for the moment. The Earth shakes beneath them as the monster lands, several feet away. It hisses, and even in the low-light, Logan can see despite it’s more Bat-like traits, how much more sinister it truly is. Its ruby eyes are piercing, wings adorned with purple and blue feathers that seem to serve little purpose other than aesthetic. Going by the looks of things, Remus decided to slap a bird and a bat together to create a gargantuan, horrific monster just for the hell of it. It’s not surprising.

The beast moves forward as if to descend upon Remus once more, and before Logan knows what he’s doing Remus’s Morning Star is clutched in his hands.

“Stay back!” he warns, his voice a shout as he aims the weapon high. If things were different, he might wonder how well the animal could see. He would study its form, decoding what traits it shares of each animal, he’d examine it. Such passive thoughts cannot come to mind now, though.

The creature hisses loudly again, saliva splattering over him and Remus, who he stands in front of protectively.

“Don’t – don’t come any closer,” Logan says, feeling the break in his voice. He’s surely shaking terribly, the pounding of his heart unrelentingly fast, fear gripping him like a vice, but his focus can’t linger there. The only thought that goes through Logan’s mind now is that of Remus’s safety, something he is willing to protect at any cost.

The Creature dares to edge closer, too close, and Logan arches his arms back and swings hard. The bat lets out a sound of anguish, reeling back. Logan can see the lacerations he’s formed, blood trickling into the matted fur.

“Don’t fucking touch him!” He roars, hitting again, even harder as the creature rears its head, earning another round of hissing. He would hit, again and again, beat the creature to death, if given the chance. But it seems it’s decided this fight is not worth its time. It withdraws, creeping backward and allowing itself space to once again take flight. Logan doesn’t care what direction it’s heading, so long as it’s away from them. He can hear the sound of flapping growing distant as he kneels by Remus’s side, dropping the Morning Star in the dirt.

“Remus. Remus, can you hear the sound of my voice?” Logan asks, desperately, as he sees the blood pouring from where the creature sunk its fangs into his side.

“Mm – Logan?” Remus asks, his voice weak and eyes bleary.

“I’m here. I’m right here,” Logan says, quickly pulling at Remus’s sleeve that had been torn, tearing within seconds. He presses it hard to the wound, which is weeping blood, so much blood, and Remus moans in pain. “It’s alright. You’re – you’re going to be alright. You’ll be fine.”

“You saved me,” Remus whispers, his voice awed, a faint smile appearing on his lips, “You- you really showed that fucker who’s boss.”

“Why the fuck would you make something so dangerous?” Logan asks, holding the cloth to Remus’s side, aware of the countless others injures that litter his body, blood already beginning to soak through the torn sleeve, “You’re – you’re even more reckless than your brother.”

“Don’t cry, Nerdy Wolverine,” Remus says, his voice achingly soft, achingly weak, “A pretty thing like you shouldn’t… shouldn’t cry.” Logan hadn’t been aware of the tears running down his cheeks, not until now. Remus’s eyes are fluttering open and closed, his breathing growing shallow.

“Hey, y-you need to keep your eyes open. Remus, Remus look at me,” Logan commands, sniveling as the hopelessness of everything only seems to grow.

“Wouldn’t-wouldn’t be so bad,” Remus says, his speech beginning to slur, “If you were the last thing I saw.” Logan shakes his head, panic clenching his heart.

“Don’t say that. You’re – you’re going to be fine. We can’t die, y-you can’t die, Remus. You’ll be okay, just, s-stay awake. Focus on me.” A trickle of blood runs down Remus’s lip and Logan feels his breath catch.

“Y-you don’t know that, though, do you?” Remus asks. It’s true; Logan doesn’t know. None of them have ever been injured to this point to the best of his knowledge, not even Roman, and there’s a chance, there’s a chance that –

“O-of course I know,” Logan insists, sniffling as he fumbles for something, anything, to stop the blood from pouring out. “You’re not going to die. You’re – you’re not going anywhere.” Remus struggles to keep his eyes open, blinking in and out of consciousness.

“You can keep my Morning Star, if… if you want,” Remus breaths out, “You… you sure know how to handle yourself with it.” Logan shakes his head, tears rolling down his cheeks as a sob erupts from his throat.

“No, why – why would I need it? You’re not going anywhere. Remus – Remus? R-Remus look at me. Come on, look at me, you’re alright. You’re – you’re hardly bleeding! Don’t be such a child, you’re fine! Remus! Remus, come on!” Remus fails to respond; his eyes having slipped shut and breathing growing all the more depthless.

Logan gasps for air, panic overtaking as he does all that he can think to do: he calls out for Roman.

“Help! Roman, H-help! Remus needs – needs assistance! Help! Roman!”

Logan doesn’t know how to summon him, not here, not in this senseless realm of which he knows so little of in the grand scheme of things. There’s so little chance of Roman heading his call, of even hearing it, but Logan is desperate, and Remus might very well be dying. He’d do anything now if it meant Remus would be alright. Logan holds him in his chest, sobbing and begging him to stay with him.

Logan is not a man of nonsense; he is not someone to throw himself in the direction of false-hope just because he wants something. But now, Logan prays for Roman to come and do something, anything, to help. He has so little left to cling to.

Logan prays.

=+=

(I accidentally forgot to add my taglist upon initially posting this, oops!)

Taglist:

@nadiestar

@unoriginalgayboyalex

If anyone wants to be added to my general taglist, please let me know! I’d be happy to add ya!

[michael-weinstein]

Reacting to David Hurwitz

Some weeks ago I came across the recently opened Youtube channel of David Hurwitz, a music critic who wrote reviews for High Fidelity and Amazon, and the founder and executive editor of the website Classics Today. I agree with some of his opinions, though I do disagree with him a good deal. But the straw that broke the camel's back was one of his early videos, which is titled: Classical Music's 10 Dirtiest Secrets. I was so alarmed by it, that I decided at once to stop watching his videos and to omit him from my YouTube recommendations. Today I've decided to finally face Mr. Hurwitz and express my reactions to his "secrets". Now, more than my opinions being lauded, I actually want people to congratulate me for copying the entire script, unabridged, because it was painful for me to do so, since I disagree with practically every "secret". And in response to some of the comments, Mr. Hurwitz said something to the effect of "some people here don't have a sense of humor!" Well, I do have a sense of humor (you can blame my parents for that), but if you, dear Herr Prof. Hurwitz, say you're joking, you've got to make that more clear in your arguments. Well, here is, without further ado, Classical Music's 10 Dirtiest Secrets by Mr. David Hurwitz.

[This is] the antidote to all of that PR we hear these days, that tells us that just because something is "classical", it must all be equally fabulous and we just can't get enough. Well, here's a news flash: it's not. Witness the following:

1. Mozart really does all sound the same. Yes, he was a genius. Yes, he wrote 620-some-odd pieces in 35 years, but let's face it. How different can they be? Even Toscanini thought they all sounded the same.

2. Beethoven's Grosse Fuge is just plain ugly. I mean, if you ever listen to that thing recently, it sounds like four dying cattle. I know we're supposed to be amazed at its contrapuntal mastery, and it's transcendental what-not whatever. It's ugly, let's not kid ourselves.

3. Wagner's operas are much better with cuts. I mean nothing, nothing has the right to be 4 or 5 hours long at a stretch. I mean, you go to the Met at 6 in the evening, and you don't leave till after midnight? You got to be crazy. The shorter it is, the better it is.

4. No one cares about the first 3 movements of Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique. I mean, nobody. We all want to hear The March to the Scaffold and then The Dream of the Witches' Sabbath. That's the hot stuff, that's were the music gets really juicy and exciting. The first 3 movements are more than a half hour [long], they're just preludial. I mean you sit through them politely, but then you wait to get your pulse racing, right? When the guy's head gets chopped off and the witches start hopping around. I mean, you know, he really should have just written the last 2 [movements] and left off the first 3, I think.

5. Schoenberg's music never sounds more attractive, no matter how many times you listen to it. Of course we're told that, you know, it's only a question of getting accustomed to its particular unique sound world and all that, and the more attention you give to it, the more rewarding it will be. Wrong, it's never more rewarding, it never sounds better. He was just a difficult truculant kind of guy, and he wrote difficult truculant music. Even his tonal music is hard to listen to. It's just difficult, period. Accept it, live with it, and love it, or don't.

6. Schumann's orchestration is really bad, and needs improvement. Once in a while a conductor will show up who says: "Well, you know I'm playing the original orchestration, it's better than everybody thought". No, it's not. It's thick, it's muddy, it doesn't do the music justice, and everybody tinkers with it. Even people who don't physically rescore it mess with the balances or whatever, just to make it listenable. Otherwise it's simply impossible.

7. Bruckner couldn't write a symphonic allegro to save his life. I mean, he calls some movements allegro, but who is he kidding. Even his early school symphony (you know, the one we call [Symphony No.] 00) has a first movement that's Allegro molto vivace. I mean, who is he kidding? It's not allegro, it's not molto, it's not vivace, it's all just slow. It's the way the man was, and we have to accept it as it is.

8. Liszt is trash. Enough said.

9. The so-called "happy ending" of Shostakovich's Fifth is actually perfectly sincere. Now, recent scholarship has revealed that this happy ending with the trumpets going nuts, and cymbals and timpani pounding away, crashing and bashing, is supposed to be a hidden signal for the misery and suffering of the Russian people. So while the music itself is going nuts with joy, we're supposed to be secretly sympathizing with their unhappiness and with the composer's personal misery. Well, I don't know. Freud said sometimes a happy ending is just a happy ending. And you know, it's okay to be happy. Finally:

10. It's a good thing that only about 200 Bach cantatas survive. I mean really, folks, have you listened to all 200 of them? Do you just like come home from work and say, "Heck! I really need to hear a 25-minute Lutheran penitential cantata about suffering and misery"? I mean, how many of them can we stand? Supposedly about a third of them are missing, I mean more than a hundred of them. And if you're really really that concerned about it, if you really think it's a loss to humanity, I have a suggestion of where you might want to look for them. You see, when Bach died his estate got divided up between his wife and kids, and the oldest one Wilhelm Friedemann (who was supposedly a drunk organist or something like that) had a daughter. And his daughter got married to a business man, and sometime around the 1760s or so (or '70s, I don't know somewhere around then) they moved to Oklahoma. So, if you happen to have nothing to do, and you're really desperate for a new Bach cantata, start looking in barns at Oklahoma, because they started a farm there, and so somewhere, maybe, you know, near Oklahoma City or somewhere out there in the Texas Panhandle, you may find a hundred or so Bach cantatas!

And with that, let me just suggest that you should use your own judgement, listen fearlessly, judge mercilessly, enjoy what you want, love what you love and don't worry about the rest.

Well, now it's my time to respond (wow, it was difficult copying all of that).

1. I have to admit that I'm not so hot on Mozart. I get the feeling that I must worship him because he was a colossal genius, in a sense he's an encylopedia figure (and it's weird that I don't feel the same way about Bach, Beethoven or Haydn who are usually considered as encylopedic figures, and Mr. Hurwitz has himself admitted that although he respects Bach, he doesn't like a lot of his music specifically for this reason). However, I do think that there's a very noticeable difference between Mozart's 1st symphony and his 40th (I haven't heard the Jupiter, so the analogy is not perfect, but at least I'm honest about it). Besides, I personally do not really like Toscanini, but even without that, just because Toscanini said something doesn't mean it needs to apply to everything and everyone.

2. Well, Beethoven's Grosse Fuge is an acquired taste. I mean yes, it's difficult, it's hard to get through, it's angry, and it might even be "ugly", but that's because Beethoven wanted to be ugly. If you don't like it, just go and leave.

3. This one touches a sick nerve because I am a Wagnerian. Yes, some people are crazy in order to go and be in the theater for 6 hours for a Wagner opera. I do get that sometimes it's difficult to be attentive throughout such a long performance (especially if it's a bad one), but Wagner knew what he was doing when he was composing such long operas (and mind you, I don't always agree with his megalomaniac ideas). It is Wagner's right to have Meistersinger run for 5 hours, just as it is Puccini's right to have La Bohème run for 2 hours. Once again, if you don't want to be in an opera house for 6 hours, don't go. But don't tell me that everything is better when it's short.

4. Once again, this one also touches a sick nerve as I'm a deep fan Berlioz's Symphonie fantastique. I should remark that aside from its programmatic function, I don't get the fourth movement, but I would be the first to admit that the finale is the X-Factor of the symphony. That said however, there is a place for the first 3 movements. If they're preludial, they're supposed to be so! And they're much more than a prelude! The first movement has lots of moments of teenage anxiety, depression and hallucination and one of the criteria for a good performance would be for me how much it gets the madness and extremness in this movement. In short, how "teenagery" it is. The second movement also seems to be just nice, and not having any service apart from its programmatic function, but it's sometimes good not to be going full tilt in the epicness department. Likewise, the third movement is also there for the need of what William Berger called (in a different context) "the lowering of the collective blood-pressure". And yet despite what might seem from a movement titled Scene in the Countryside, this movement actually has some manic terrifying moments. Once again, if you don't like the first 3 movements, just listen to the last 2, but again, Berlioz knew what he was doing in adding these first 3 movements.

5. Like the Grosse Fuge, Schoenberg's music is also an acquired taste. I disagree with Mr. Hurwitz's opinion that "it never gets more attractive", but I also disagree with those who say that "the more attention you give to it, the more it will reward you". Circumstances vary with every single person from one millisecond to the next. I am a Schoenberg fan, but I don't persuade people to join the Schoenberg fan club (but that's because I'm not a kind of a persudaing guy). And I'm not alone in that. Alexander Goehr, who is likewise a deep Schoenberg fan, seems to agree with me on this point (that is, I agree with him):

I don't think it is likely that it is possible to convince people who find the music [of Schoenberg] extremely difficult, that hidden beneath the surface is a heart of gold, and it's really all like Puccini if you only knew how to listen to it. It isn't like that. This was a fractious and difficult personality, with a striking and fast mind, and a feeling of responsibility towards music, musicians, students, all through his life.

Once again, if you don't like it, don't listen to it, just go and leave.

6. I haven't listened to Schumann's music so I can't say whether his orchestration is bad or not. However, I can say that people don't tinker only with Schumann's dynamics, and for some reason they get criticized for that in a way which would not happen if they would do the same to Schumann. So in a sense, having a conductor tinkering with Schumann's dynamics should not be something all that special, so stop making so much of a deal out of it.

7. Likewise, I haven't listened to much Bruckner, but I would agree that if it is indeed slow, that is the way Bruckner was and we can't do anything about it. Maybe what for him was fast, is slow for Mr. Hurwitz. And not only is the perception of tempo different from one person to another, it's different within the same person from one millisecond to the next.

8. Ok, I'm barely handling myself together when I'm writing this, and things are especially confusing when Mr. Hurwitz doesn't dare detail. If you think that Liszt is only virtuoso opera transcriptions, the Transcendental Etudes and the Hungarian Rhapsodies, you are damn wrong! Just look at his symphonic poems, and the Faust and Dante Symphonies and you'll see he was much more than just a flashy romantic pyrotechnic of the piano. You still think this is kitschy and wearing on the sleeve? Ok, fine. How about the late piano pieces?! I just keep going mad when I see how many people don't know, let alone appreciate Liszt's late works (which I'm not even going to write a blog post on, because it speaks by itself. Here's a playlist.) These pieces tell you, more even than Tristan, the Ring and Parsifal, how Debussy and early Schoenberg came into being. If you're not convinced by that, I really have no other idea to dissuade you from believing that "Liszt is trash".

9. I have to say before I begin the discussion of Mr. Hurwitz's argument, that trying to figure out the meaning of Shostakovich's music is just pure mayhem, for reasons I hope I don't need to tell you. That being said, we are really actually told that the conflict between musicologists is whether he composed the Fifth Symphony in order to save his skin, or is the music braced with sarcasm. As I understand, there is no reason why the ending should be understood as "sincerely happy" when one goes deeper. Once again, what Freud says doesn't necessarily apply to every situation. So yes, I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say that we're supposed to be thinking of misery, but we should think of hypocrisy.

10. Once again, I have barely listened to Bach cantatas, but just from looking at the titles, I'm pretty sure that not all of those cantatas are about "suffering and misery" (small unimportant sidenote: You really needed to use the same two words you just used for Shostakovich?). I don't know how much this is likely, but go figure that the hundred or so lost cantatas happen to be the best cantatas Bach ever wrote, and what we've known till now is, forgive the expression, the rotten bottom of the barrel? But trying to go around Oklahoma farms to find them is almost hopeless, for a number of reasons. Most likely, the manuscripts could have been deemed worthless, so they were used for other purposes. The farm could have been destroyed or dismantled or whatever. So maybe we're lucky that some Bach cantatas are missing, maybe not, I have no idea what to say about this.

I saved the most important issue for the end. I have no problem with all the opinions that Mr. Hurwitz has expressed - as long as he was meaning only to express his own opinion. I obviously disagree with him, but I have no serious problem with Mr. Hurwitz suggesting that Wagner's operas are better when cut, that Mozart sounds all the same, and (though with some difficulty, if only because Liszt is widely misunderstood) that Liszt is trash. The problem I have is with him saying that these are the "official dirtiest-secret facts of the classical music industry". And once again, if he's joking, he should make that clearer.

P.S. As I was writing this, I discovered that it's apparently also available online as an editorial, so if you want to make me suffer twice, you can do that.

(Originally posted: 9 August 2020)

[theflashdriver]

Advice (A Silvaze and Sonamy Oneshot)

"Sonic, you've helped my world in the past; for that, I trust and respect you but today I require aid with something less… typical." Upon being approached by Blaze, sat on the wing of the Tornado while Tails tinkered away, Sonic hadn't been sure why she was in his dimension and now he found himself only more bamboozled. Wasn't she meant to be protecting her dimension? It didn't sound like the sol emeralds had been stolen or her world was in peril, besides Silver was there with her now; he'd be able to handle it as well as Sonic could alongside her; probably even better... unless the threat required all three of them? The blue hedgehog did recognise there was no way she'd cross dimensions unannounced and unplanned unless the situation was urgent. The princess was normally blunt and to the point yet today she was struggling to meet his eyes; hesitation in her voice, "I require your advice on a… personal matter of great importance to me."

Refusing to let his confusion show he flashed a grin, "A personal matter? You had me worried I was gonna have to scramble Nega, well lay it on me! I'll give it my best shot!"

There was a long pause, Blaze's fists balled, Sonic's brow raised. She looked up to him, face forced into a bizarre contorted frown; fangs bared and cheeks pink, was it a look of embarrassment or rage? He had no idea but it was kinda terrifying. "How do you deal with… romantic feelings?"

The synapses in Sonic's mind failed to ignite for a moment, he stared blankly at her. Eventually, those final two words processed. "What?! Wh-Why are you asking me about love?!" He had considered dropping from the wing but now the chances of that had reduced to zero, he brought his knees to his chest. Anything else, anything else would have been fine! Eggman Nega stole the Jewelled Sceptre? Sure. Captain Whiskers kidnapped Marine? Fine. Silver was having trouble with some fute- Wait Silver, yes Silver! Realisation struck Sonic, that was his out! The blue blur pointed down to Blaze; "Silver's in your dimension right now, isn't he? W-Why don't you just ask him?! H-He probably knows as much as I do!"

His green eyes bore down on Blaze, willing that she'd either vanish or the Tornado's engine would suddenly kick-start, shooting off with him in tow. The cat was looking away from him, growing only redder. She must have stood there for a full minute, completely silent. "I… I can't ask Silver about this. It needs… it needs to be someone else."

Sonic blinked at that. "Why can't you ask Silver?" Lines of heat were radiating from Blaze; she wasn't speaking and refused to meet his eyes. Sonic was perplexed; he'd only ever heard good things about their friendship, how well they could fight together and that, according to Amy at least, they brought out the best in one another. Amy'd spoken of how when Silver was around Blaze'd smile, that she'd drop all of her walls and speak freely; she'd walk hand in hand with him without a care. Silver too, around her he went from some lost soul awkwardly stumbling his way through life to far happier fella; relaxing and far more freely. How Sonic had seen it, and how he'd had their dynamic described, the two seemed to complete one another. It was upon that thought that a realisation hit him. "Oh…"

Blaze was gripping her arm, eyes shut; the glow to her cheeks had spread across her face, deepening from pink to red. "These feelings it's… it's Silver. I've been having… I've felt this way for a while but I don't know what to do. They started just after I remembered and well…" The princess released a sigh. "Cream is too young to ask about these things, Amy, while more knowledgeable… would go too far, I'm not sure I could discuss this seriously with her. You're older, you must have dealt with these feelings at some point… right?"

Sonic felt a heat on his face, he leaned back on the wing to get out of her vision and tried to skirt past that last question. "I don't know about me dealing with them, but I said I'd give it my best shot and I meant it! What do you wanna know?"

I want to know everything! When did you realise? How does it feel?" Amy was overjoyed, a giant smile on her face; hands clasped atop her heart. She had been minding her own business, getting groceries with nothing much planned for the day, when a golden opportunity landed in her lap. Now sat on a park bench, grocery bag dropped at her feet, she was sat next to a once Silver, now very pink, time traveller. A certain embarrassed hedgehog who had finally admitted to his feelings for a certain purple princess, a princess currently in this world and apparently seeking some kind of advice from a Blue hedgehog.

"Ehhehe…" He made a kind of sighing yet groaning sound, his eyes were glazed over; he was clearly trying his hardest to distract himself in their environment, focusing on the trees and the birds rather than daring to look at Amy. "W-Well r-recently it just kind of… hit me and now, when she's around I get this feeling in my chest? L-Like it might explode? She's really kind and strong and smart a-and pretty and I just…" His head dropped to his hands, giant quills hanging down. Through his hands, he mumbled, "I w-want to tell her but I'm terrified. I-I need advice and you're so open, y-you aren't scared to say you love Sonic so I thought…"

Amy smacked his back, administering rather overwhelming pats that shook his body; a manic smile on her face. "You've come to the right place! It's so nice to meet another romantic; finally, someone else wants to talk about these things. You just need a little confidence that's all, you've got to learn to speak your heart!"

The patting stopped, he sat himself up; hands pushing hard into his knees. "S-Speak my heart?"

"Right! Right! You've got to be blatant; you've got to be honest with yourself! That way you'll be honest to her." Amy began her lecture, overjoyed to have her first student. She'd thought it'd be Cream some in the far-flung future but this was perfect! "Every time I see Sonic I try to make my feelings clear, I hug him close and profess my love wherever and however possible. That way, when he finally gets around to admitting his feelings, he can do it with confidence; I'm being true to myself so that he can be true to himself and we can be true to each other." Amy was beaming through her explanation, eyes closed and gesticulating wildly. "In every dance, someone has to lead right? Who it is may change with time, but before that someone has to open their hand and ask the other; that's us Silver! You've got to hold her close, shower her in affection; she's already open to you, reach out and let her take your hand!"

Amy opened her eyes and was met with a wide smile her fellow hedgehog's face, still quite scarlet but it was a look of confidence and hope. "Yeah! I…" And then, as if some realisation had struck him the smile vanished; eyes went from sparkling to dull and mouth crumpled into a cringe. "I-I don't think I can do it like y-you do. The idea of hugging her out of nowhere, o-or just saying I love her out of nowhere is terrifying. I-I want to but I think I'd faint or mess it up or…" His eyes closed and expression became more neutral, breathing a sigh he continued; "I-I'd like to do it but I don't think I can, I'm not confident enough; I need to learn how to be confident like you are."

"Huh? Well, confidence just comes as second nature to me; I don't think that I can teach that. I love him so I tell him so. Is it that scary for you?" Amy stroked her chin, quickly landing on a conclusion; "I suppose I've known that I love Sonic for a while and I've been chasing him for a long time. You really should just be honest with her, be open and blunt, but if that's not going to happen cause you're shy… what hints have you dropped?"

"Hints? Umm…" His seating shifted, left leg crossing over his right; leaning back he started to feverishly pull at his chest fur. "Does being embarrassed c-count? I've been embarrassed around her like… a lot recently."

Amy groaned, throwing her vision to the sky; he was being completely useless, but then every rose must grow from the dirt up. She had her work cut out for her, but with time and patience… or strength and piko-piko, he'd get there eventually. "No Silver, it should be words or perhaps gifts; you can't just be embarrassed around her and expect love to bloom. If it were that easy Knuckles would be a master of romance, being embarrassed is fine but you need to actually act. They say actions speak louder than words, but some well placed-ones will linger in the mind forever while objects fade." The pink hedgehog, "Be more specific, what makes you love Blaze? How do you feel about her? You've only given basic terms like pretty and smart, speak from your heart."

Silvers eyes closed tightly, "G-Give me a moment." He took a deep breath through his nose; pinkness seemed to concentrate on his cheeks. Amy felt her grin grow, she wished she had a notepad or some kind of recording device, but at the same time just watching someone come to terms with their feelings. Anticipation built with every passing second.

Tails had long retired to his workshop; things were moving at a molasses pace and, for once in his life, Sonic was happy about that. It gave him time to think through his answers on this subject he was less than comfortable with. How long had passed, ten, twenty, maybe thirty minutes? The only question she'd asked was whether it was weird to have these emotions, to which he'd responded not really. He finally sat back up, looking down at her; Blaze's hand was over her face and she was vigorously massaging her forehead. He knew he should speak up, but he had no idea what to say. "Have you told him anything, given any hints?"

"No…I-I feel too embarrassed to do that. I'm also scared, in case… these feelings aren't reciprocated. I don't want to lose our partnership, I want it to grow stronger." Blaze's hand went to her arm, her gaze locked onto the runaway beneath them. It was weird seeing her like this, weirdly relatable to the blue hedgehog.

He rolled his eyes a little at that thought, pushing past it. "Well… you'll have to tell him eventually right? You can't hide this from him forever."

Her head snapped up to him, a burst of anger overtaking her embarrassment; "That's why I'm asking for your advice. If I knew how to do that I'd have done it already. How would you admit your feelings?"

"A-Alright alright, my bad." Sonic cringed away from her glare; now wishing he'd let silence reign over them he ducked back onto the wing. How would he confess his love? He'd never really considered it, "I've been avoiding those feelings for a long time…I-I'm not sure how you…" No, he had to try his best; he was helping a friend after all, even if it meant discussing emotions he'd rather push aside. "Well… I'd want to know for certain they liked me back before I'd even consider telling them. As for how to do that… I guess if I ran from them and they followed that would be a good sign."

Blaze paused for a moment at that before looking back to her feet, shaking her head. "Silver would follow regardless of whether he loves me, he'd be worried or think he'd done something wrong. Besides, running away from someone you care about seems… stupid, hurtful even."

"I suppose it is…" This conversation was giving him thoughts and he wasn't sure he liked them. He'd have to shift things back toward Silver. "Have you tried… uhh…" He scratched at his quills, he could have let the conversation die there but no; he'd forced it back open. "People write love letters… I think? You could do that?"

There was another silence, Sonic took his previous thought back; he'd like this to go far faster and be over with as soon as possible. He felt like he was swinging blindly and just hoping to arrive at the right answer; unsure if there even was a correct answer. Blaze shook her head again; "That feels… impersonal, I'd want to do it properly." She released a sigh, there was a tinge of frustration to her voice; "We're getting nowhere. Let's not talk about how I'd confess, I asked you how to deal with these feelings in the beginning, If I understand that then I'll be able to act more autonomously. How do you control them?"

"Oh, uhh…" He stifled an awkward laugh with a cough; his plan to turn things back toward her and Silver had utterly failed. "Run away from them? I try not to even think about those feelings."

"I see…" Blaze's hands had balled into fists again; he could see her ears had lowered. "That's not an option for me, I want to embrace them."

Now Amy's anticipation was turning to fear, how long could he hold his breath? He had gone from red to pink to purple to blue, any longer and he'd-

Silver finally released his breath, panting; hands on his leg as he struggled. Amy initially assumed the worst but as his eyes finally opened confidence was completely renewed, that sparkle had returned to them; his colour shifted back to an embarrassed pink but he was smiling. "Alright… I think I've got something at least. I-I don't know if I'll say it right, but I'll give it a go." His eyes were locked forward, not looking to Amy but the world before him. She didn't speak, fearing she might smother the poor boy, trying to keep her smile small (failing) she nodded him to continue. "Blaze is th-the best. I trust her more than I trust anyone, I-I trust her more than I trust myself. She's so strong, not just fighting but she has a will to do what is right regardless of cost; she sacrifices far too much. I want to protect her despite knowing she's strong enough to protect herself. I know she's pyrokinetic but I want to keep her warm. I-I just want her to be happy more than anything else. She's so serious but when… when she smiles the world… i-it stops I guess is how to put it, nothing else matters? It's all I can focus on, her fangs poke out and… eugh…"

His head dropped to his hands, Amy's fist pounded on the arm of the bench; she had to push him here otherwise he'd never continue. She couldn't let this slip from her grip! "Come on! Get a grip! We were getting somewhere there; don't give up now! What else?"

"I lost her once, I couldn't stand to lose her then and I'd die if it happened again!" His head had risen, fists were clenched; the light lingered in his eyes but he was shaking like a leaf. It was weak but Amy was impressed, he'd caught a second wind! "I've lived life without her but, when I look back on it, it doesn't feel like I was living. There is no home without Blaze, I feel so much more confident when I'm by her side; like I could do anything… well, anything but… ehm…t-tell her how I..." He stumbled again but this time, on his own accord, shook his head and pushed through; "N-No one else even comes close, no number of people. I'd chose…". Suddenly a flinch entered his eyes, he turned to Amy for a moment before turning back to their environment; he closed his eyes and bit his lip before continuing but the sound he released was inaudible, less than a mumble.

"Eh? I couldn't hear that last bit, you'd what?" Amy couldn't help noticing something change on his face, were tears welling up in his eyes? They were sealed closed he was shaking, but as they opened her suspicion was confirmed; he dragged his wrist over them, metal bangle crashing into his temple with ever wipe.

"I'd chose her over the world, every time…I-I don't know if she'd like me saying that, but it's true." Silver managed to pull his arm away. Eyes still damp; he released a deep yet cracking breath, not meeting the pink hedgehog's grin.

Amy didn't understand why, that last statement had been as sincere as all the others, but something about those words triggered a joy much greater than those prior lines. It was a sense of elation, a strange sense of familiarity; as though things had come full circle, like placing the last piece in a jigsaw. It just felt right, completing even.

She pulled him into a headlock, beaming down at his flailing quills; "Just like I would Sonic! Every time, without a moment of hesitation! I knew you could do it!" He was still croaking, arms waving wildly and pushing against- Oh he couldn't breathe, he'd been breathing out when she grabbed him. Amy released Silver, the grey hedgehog immediately fell off the bench. As he panted on the ground Amy continued; "That was brilliant Silver! Now you just have to say it to her. Will that really be so hard?"

"Y-Yes! That was terrifying." Silver half shouted, slowly rising to his feet. "I could barely say that to you, trying to say it to Blaze would be hundreds of times harder."

Amy frowned at him. There was a pause, the steps of a plan forming in her head; if the prior tactic hadn't worked she'd have to get more nefarious. "Really? I was sure after you got it out once it'd be easy." She shrugged, eyes closed. "I guess you're right, you do need my confidence." A trap was laid.

"That's what I've been saying… but if you cant teach that I guess I'm stuck." He'd stepped straight into it. As he plopped down in his seat, head in his hands, Amy punched him in the shoulder; almost throwing him from the bench once more.

"So you're just giving up already? You just said you'd chose her over the world!" She frowned at him, teeth grit. "I knew you were embarrassed but I didn't think you were-

"N-No! I just mean I don't know what to do next, of course I'm not giving up!" Silver shouted, she could see the seriousness in his eyes but the smile hadn't returned to Amy's face but behind her frown was something more... mischievous.

She looked away from him, arms folded. "I'm not sure I believe you Silver. It seems to me like you're the type to promise a girl the world and deliver nothing. I don't think you're really embarrassed, I think you're talking up a big game with no intent to follow though. You can say all this to me, but not a single romantic word to her? Yeah right."

"Wh-What? Of course I'd do it if I could!" There was desperation in his voice but not quite enough for Amy's liking, she wanted him pushed one or two steps further, she kept her back to him; remaining silent. "I-I want to but I'm scared, I'll mess it up or I'll just collapse in front of her; that's not even considering whether she feels the same way."

She sighed to fake anger, turning back to cast him a glare; "Has that ever stopped me? Look at all I do for what little Sonic has returned me. Yet Blaze, who shows you more affection than she does anyone else, doesn't deserve to know you love her; let alone how grateful you are? You should have given that speech to her long before you even considered sharing it with me."

Amy looked away again, keeping the pout on her face. She heard him go to start talking before stopping as if catching himself. A sigh sounded; "I-I can't do that but…" Amy turned back, raising a brow. "M-Maybe I could do something smaller. Please, Amy, I need help with this."

He'd locked himself in now, Amy's plan had worked; it wasn't confidence but if this is what it took to get him on the track that led to it then so be it. She'd not been so open with Sonic, in the beginning, compared to now at least, a little push would do Silver some good clearly. Her frown flipped into a Cheshire grin, hands clasped before her chest. "Alright. Let's make a plan."

How long had it been? Was the sun close to setting? Could he go now? Thoughts of this sort were floating within Sonic's head while feelings of hunger racked his stomach. He was still sat atop the tornado's wing, much too scared to move lest the cat beneath him ask another question. Weighed down by the want to help a friend who so rarely talked about these things, being tortured by the nature of the conversation and any similarities to his own predicament. Blaze's blunt, negative, responses certainly weren't helping with the latter.

Finally, she spoke up again; "Is there a way to find out if these feelings are mutual?"

Sonic looked down to her, she'd finally stopped standing; Blaze sat on the tarmac legs crossed and chin in her hands. He cringed a little, he really was trying his best but… he really wasn't used to dealing with these emotions himself, let alone being forced to confront them. "I…" He sighed, finally admitting it; "Amy's my only real example and she's pretty forward. I don't think he'd act like that, would he? You said he'd follow you but would he… chase you?"

"Not unless I worried him," Blaze looked back up to the wing; "Amy's your only point of reference? Had I known that I'd have gone to Vanilla."

"Hey, that's…" Sonic flinched as he caught himself, his eyes closed and his brow furrowed. He breathed a sigh. "That's fair. I'm not very good with these emotions, I'm sorry you've wasted your time."

"That's been obvious since the start but I stayed here rather than leaving and dealing with them so… I'm no good with them either." Blaze met his eyes, there wasn't a smile to her face but there was an understanding in them; no rage this time. "We should both probably get better at this."

"I mean…" Sonic swung his leg from the edge of the craft, he still loathed thinking about this at all but it was undeniable; a lot of his past actions weren't looking so hot. "Yeah, you're right. I should probably be better to her. But it's not like you're doing nearly as bad as me, you don't hide from him."

"Yes the bond between Silver and I is still as strong as ever, but if he were to return these feelings I'd be glad but I'm unsure how easily I'd accommodate them." Her ears had pressed down again, though this time forward instead of backward; scarlet colouration had fully returned to her face. She took her head in her hands. "I want to do this properly, but I've still no idea how. It's all so new to me."

"Well… wouldn't it be new to both of you?" Was that the first correct thing he'd said all day? Probably. Was it obvious? Undoubtedly. But there had to be something comforting there… right? "He'd probably be just as awkward as you about it, wouldn't he? At least you'd be embarrassed together, less pressure." He felt like he had to keep talking but had run out of words… well he hadn't, he just didn't want to keep going. Bringing a hand to his head he continued; "If Amy and I were to ever… I'd be alone in that." Yeah, he was stopping now, that was enough.

Blaze looked up, still embarrassed but once again her gaze lacked harshness and anger; "He would be embarrassed yes, albeit in different ways. I'm sure he'd try far too hard while I'd be scared to act as we had before let alone go further."

"Well… that sounds like it evens out." Sonic smirked, glad he'd finally given a good answer; he wasn't going to ruin that by running his mouth any further.

"Perhaps, but it's reliant on these feelings being returned. He's quite naïve, I don't know that he even thinks about these things." She shrugged, before frowning slightly; "You know you can come down right? I'm not going to kill you."

He half laughed, "When you phrase it like that it sounds like you might but alright." Sonic finally dropped from the wing of the tornado, but he didn't meet the ground. No, he'd braced for impact, having half planned what next to say, only to feel himself freeze; a teal tint overcoming his vision. He went to gasp in shock only to find his jaw locked in place, eyes struggled to flicker beneath the strain; he knew what this was but where was-

He watched in horror as the tornado got further and further away; he was drifting backwards! "That's it! Real him in Silver!" An all too familiar voice called out behind him. Sonic's legs flailed at a snail's pace, struggling to fight the psychic grip and regardless a good foot from the ground.

"This feels wrong." Amy's grey ally confessed, running a hand through his back quills. The cringe on his face was clear as he dragged Sonic through the air, kicking and failing to scream. "I thought this part would be easy but it's bringing back some… less stellar memories."

"Hey, hey, we have a deal." Amy tutted, arms already wide to catch Sonic. "Besides, do you really want Mr Loveshy hanging around when you try to flirt?"

He choked on air, grip wavering on Sonic for a moment before retightening. He looked to her, muttering under his breath. "F-F-Flirt? W-When you say it like that it's so much scarier."

"Oh fine, call it a compliment ya wuss." Finally, the blue hedgehog rotated, to be honest, the face he'd been locked into wasn't the most attractive; mouth wide and eyes as beads, but Sonic was within her grasp! That was what mattered. Her arms locked around him, going limp as the psychic energy left her body before tensing as he was pulled into a rib-crushing hug. Her singsong tone rang out; "Nice of you to join us Sonic! I've got a new partner in crime, you'll never get away now!" Loosening her grip she shifted him; carrying him bridal style. She'd expected some resistance but, rather unusually, he simply lay in her grasp; refusing to meet her stare.

"Y-Yeah… hi Amy." This was bizarre but the pink hedgehog wasn't about to question it, she looked up to Silver; "Well go on, what're you waiting for?"

"Okay… okay… I can do this." Blaze hadn't moved from the runway, she was still sat right where she'd been; albeit with more of a confused look than when they'd arrived, staring back at the group over her shoulder. Redness clear on his face Silver began to make his way over, eyes like saucers and face a burning scarlet but he was clearly trying his best.

Beneath her Sonic tried to cut in; "What's happen-

She awkwardly bent a finger to his lips, "Shh shh shh, I wanna watch this!" For every five steps Silver took Amy took one forward, she wanted to be in earshot for this... but simultaneously getting too close would probably freak him out. Amy managed to halt herself a few paces from the aircraft; leaning against it with Sonic still ensnared... or well, at least normally she'd use that term. Sonic seemed rather content in her grasp for once, she shot him a look but still their emerald eyes refused to meet. "Is everything alright?"

"I-I'm fine." He grumbled, ears spiking up; "Amy please, what's happening."

The rose hedgehog watched as Silver extended a hand to Blaze, she took it and together they pulled her up. "I think he's going to take the first step, he's going to take lead!" Amy whisper-shouted.

Amy's senses heightened to their peak, Silver began; "Hey Blaze, sorry about that; Amy was insistent I help her and well... I-I hope I won't have to do it again. D-Did you get the advice you needed?"

The cat shook her head, "No but it should be fine, I've come to my own conclusions." She leaned in a little closer to him, peering at his face. "Are you okay Silver? You're looking quite red."

"A-Am I? Oh dear…" He was shaking, white quills waving like the last autumn leaf. "I feel fine, I-I think I know why I'm like this."

Her brows raised, "Oh? What is it?"

Amy leaned in but for a moment she couldn't hear anything, he went to speak and backed down at least twice; growing redder and redder. Blaze was looking more concerned with each passing moment; their hands were still touching. Finally, Amy heard it, the words they'd agreed on... well, more or less. He was struggling after all. "Y-Your smile is…" His head dropped, now both of his hands held hers. "I-It's really good! Th-The best I've ever seen! I-I can't get it out of my head."

The response was immediate, she went as red as him; both their eyes locked on the others shoes. From this far away Amy could just make out the words; "But I-I'm not smiling right now Silver…"

"I-I know, a-and don't force yourself to… b-but I thought you should know that. I-It's really… It's the best. I-I love i-i-it." They weren't even looking at each other to confirm it! Amy was feeling the strangest concoction of pride in her work, anger that they were both this useless and awe at watching this first step! Not to mention the warmth of holding Sonic in her arms so loosely, it was almost like he wanted to be there!

Blaze's free hand reached up, shaking (albeit much less than Silver) as it reached his cheek and pushed his head up. Eyes must have met, her ears had flattened forward and from this angle Amy could just make out one of those fangs he'd been talking about, "Th-Thank you, Silver. L-Let's go home… we can talk about this more if you want?"

"Y-Y-Yeah… okay." They seemed to fumble a little, one of his hands dropped from hers with the end result of his right and her left hands linked.

The pair turned back to their advisors, shouting their equivalents of goodbye before the cat drew a grey crystal from her cloak and in a burst of flame a portal opened before them. Amy took another step toward them; a wide smile on her face, "Good luck! See you both soon!"

Beneath her, she heard a sharp breath before Sonic shouted out, "You can do it!"

At that Blaze seemed to freeze for a moment, Silver looked to her, but she quickly shook the hesitation off. "Then you can too!" And with that, they vanished; portal quickly closing behind them.

The pink hedgehog looked down to blue, face twisted into a curious yet mischievous smile; "What was that about?"

There was a redness to his face she'd only caught sight of a couple times, "I-I'll tell you… e-eventually, probably."

Amy smiled, her grip tightening; "Take all the time you need, you're not going anywhere."

"A-Alright." Their eyes finally met again, he was looking up at her. After a pause, just hanging in her arms, he spoke. "I'm kind of hungry... do you want to go and-

"Yes, yes, yes!" Before he could even finish Amy had set off, racing to find somewhere to eat with the blue (going crimson) blur in her arms.

[broadhurstblog-blog]

A rough draft/timeline...

Once upon a time, I was a quiet child, who excelled in sports and could string together good sentences every now and again.

I received a certificate at the end of my first year in a boy’s secondary school in East Hertfordshire, by my departing English teacher called Ms Prole. It was certified that I was  ‘Most Daydreaming Pupil.’

I was a child who lived inside his imagination, thought deeply about things. I had a fair amount of friends, most of them being at least two years older than me.

We would break into old bomb shelters, explore hard, found a small woods that contained concrete bunkers, and convinced ourselves we had discovered a secret, disused American airbases. I would go on long bike rides, often finding great secluded bodies of water that contained hard to catch fish. I played for a local bottom of the league football team, on often flooded fields that used to be paddocks.

Then something changed.My granddad died when I was twelve.Losing a wonderfully wise man whose wisdom I took for granted, well, it hit me really hard.My thoughts seemed to constantly focus on death.Over the course of the next year or so, my behaviour changed drastically, I became extremely undisciplined, argumentative, I got suspended from school on several occasions.With the help of an Educational Officer – psychiatrists and psychologists took an interest in me.After a few sessions with various medical professionals, my parents were informed with confidence that I had a condition called manic depression and that it was caused by a  chemical imbalance/ deficiency of a salt in my brain.After being sure that my heart, kidney or liver was free from defects, I was prescribed Lithium Carbonate.

I took the medication most days between the ages of 14 and 18.

At first, my behaviour did not improve, and it was decided that I should spend time in an adolescent unit of the psychiatric wing of a hospital near St. Albans.

It was a very strange place, most of the resident children there were unwanted orphans I seem to remember.

A lot of the nurses were very heavy-handed in their restraint techniques, and doctors loved nothing more than to sedate those of us not willing to take part in various group activities.

The heavy-handed ways, the use of an exclusion room and the sedation syrup, for even the smallest of infractions – it makes me question the ethics and morals of some of the staff, but nothing I was privy to was against the law as far as I can tell. (There has been stories in the news recently about the police investigating historic abuse allegations, I can’t testify to being abused, but it certainly wasn’t the holiday camp that the staff tried to portray to my parents. Maybe the memories of that place would have been a lot worse without a father and mother looking out for me).  

After a couple of months I was back to school.

I was the shadow of my former daydreaming self, but I no longer displayed as much unruly behaviour.

I had lost virtually all my friends, I was increasingly paranoid, socially withdrawn.

I was behind in my school work, and I wasn’t able to catch up.

By the time I was 15 I had the choice of resitting the year or joining another school out of the area 18 miles away, to be in the fourth form where nobody knew me.

So I opted to leave a pretty decent boys-only comp with a Christian ethos, to go to a mixed comp that used to be a grammar school, but which had become a third-rate egalitarian mess.

It is safe to say that I did not respond well to the lowering of educational standards. By the final term of my second attempt at being a fourth form pupil, I was ‘asked to leave’.

I left the school at the age of 16, without any experience of the fifth form. I went to the regional college for two years and completed a couple of NVQ modules in I.T.  

I spent most of my college time in the library or playing basketball in the gym.

The point here is that I am not convinced I was mentally ill.

Maybe I was, but I do not think that medication/psychiatric treatment helped me.

The major thing that helped me become a less self-destructive force was *time*.

The death of a close family member really haunted my mind, and I did not know how to deal with it.

My childish poetry turned dark and very cryptic, unfortunately, the caring adults in my life who were interpreting my private words without my permission, they were totally off the mark in concluding that my prose was a sign of me being suicidal. I was certainly crying out for help, but my words were actually full of fear about death, not a single syllable expressed a desire to die.

I wasn’t sleeping much, and prolonged lack of sleep can affect behaviour a lot,

I stopped playing football,

I stooped going on adventures,

I stopped daydreaming.

Lack of exercise can cause serious problems, especially in a child who was once very active.

Add puberty to the mix. . .

I do not think Lithium was the answer to whatever was happening. And how did the medication affect the development of my fragile brain?

I guess that question is impossible for me to ever answer.

I was lucky to have a good family GP who was close to retirement, a doctor from an older generation who was in agreement with me that I would be better off without medication.

As soon as I was eighteen he helped me gradually decrease my doses until I was on the medication no more.

I lacked a lot of confidence, but had no problem finding work with the occasional kick up the backside from my father.

After running into a few dead ends, I eventually became a cellarman/barman in an unusually well run small family pub that was slightly off the beaten track.

In my mid-twenties I moved to Manchester with my licensee certificate in hand, but instead of running a pub, I ended up working in a mind-numbing call centre on behalf of a royal Scottish bank.

By the age of 30, I was a homeowner.

On paper, things seemed good. I heard from a reliable source that my parents were proud of me.

I was unhappy. The relationship with my supposed future wife was on the rocks. I was tired of being a battery chicken trying to get people into debt. I was drinking too much. I had put on a lot of weight. I think I might have been slightly depressed.

Then one evening there was a TV show on, presented by Stephen Fry, it was about living with Bipolar Disorder (The new name for manic depression.)

I think it was on at about the same time that the disability discrimination act came into force.

I was struggling with timekeeping and discipline at work.

Home life was not happy. I was a little drunk and somehow became convinced it was a good idea to talk about my ‘mental health history’ with my partner, and to my manager at work the next day.

Things went downhill very quickly from there.

I went to a doctor, got referred to a psychiatrist.

After a 30 minute consultation, it was decided that I had a mild version of ‘Bipolar II’ And Lithium Carbonate was being prescribed to me. It didn’t agree with me, and I abruptly stopped taking it. Bad idea.

I was a mess. After about 2 years I had split with my partner, mindlessly took my name off the mortgage agreement. I struggled to stay in regular work because of my erratic self-destructive behaviour. I was on benefits for a couple of years.

Eventually, I got a job as an assistant manager, in a betting shop of all places. It was an interesting few years, but working for a morally challenged employer can eventually take its toll on one’s spirit.

This is when I ‘gave up’. I would get a sick note from my local medical centre once a month, claiming I was depressed, etc.I started claiming Employment Support Allowance and Housing Benefit because of my supposed ‘disability.’.The money was more than enough to exist on as part of a house share in a diverse student area in south-central Manchester. At some point a cannabis smoker moved into the house I was barely existing in.It didn’t become long before an occasional toke turned into a regular habit. It took a year or so, but I eventually became undoubtedly mentally ill. I was not self medicating, I smoked weed because I enjoyed smoking it, I loved getting ‘high.’  

My behavior gradually started changing for the worse over the course of about half a year. I went to doctors complaining of anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia etc. I told them about my cannabis habit too. The young funky doctor referred me to a young hip psychiatrist, who after 5 minutes of questions, decided that   Quetiapine may be the answer to my woes. I wasn’t getting any better, and I gradually stopped taking the medication. I started smoking cannabis again.    

I was under the influence of what I’ll call acute mania not long after reading ‘The Cameron Delusion.’ I am fortunate that was the last book I read before I became undeniably mentally ill.

At the height of my illness, it was like I was inside a vivid daydream like I was fast asleep and wide awake at the same time. It is hard to explain. I was aware I was ill though, I sought help. It was eventually decided I should be sectioned, and I disagreed, so a bunch of health workers accompanied by police officers came to my front door. One policeman with impeccable customer service skills informed me I would have to be restrained with cuffs for my own safety, and I was escorted into the back of a police van. The police chauffeured me to the hospital, where I became a reluctant resident/client in a locked ward for about 6 or 7 weeks.

I was forced to take a cocktail of 4 mind-altering drugs on a daily basis. A psychiatrist would see me for about five minutes, once a week. I was told after the sixth or seventh short consultation that I could be released under the condition that I carried on taking the drugs. A social worker visited me on two occasions in the two months after my release from the hospital. Assured I was taking the medication, the visits stopped. I didn’t mention to the social worker that I was gradually lowering the doses I was taking. Within days of the last visit, I had eventually weened myself of the medication completely. It took several months, but eventually, I got a job.

And I have been well, in full-time employment for about a year now, without any problems.

I don’t use cannabis anymore either of course.

And I haven’t knowingly talked to a doctor since my time in the hospital.Mind-altering drugs just do not agree with me.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #179

“if i showed you my soul, would you cover your eyes?”

If you’re dating someone, how long has it been? One year, one month. If you’re a girl, have you ever had the urge shave your hair? Um, no. How hot do summers for you get? Highest has been like 110 or so. Do you live by a forest? No. Is there a real fireplace in your house? No. What do you prefer: Small cars, hybrids, trucks or SUVs? Normal cars? What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? No book's ever scared me. Do your parents drink? No. Do you have any pet fish? No. What’s your favorite seafood to eat? I just like shrimp. What does your best friend love that you hate? Seafood (except what is mentioned above). Have you ever seen The Twilight Zone? A few at school, but I didn't really pay attention. Name the creepiest horror movie character for you: Ghostface. Are you a person that’s scared of things like bugs, spiders, mice and rats? Only some bugs and spiders. What do you believe in more: Ghosts or demons? Ghosts. Is it ever okay for a woman to ask out a man? Actually fuck off. Do people confide in you? Sometimes. Actually very flattering that most people I do care/have cared about tend(ed) to. Ever been around someone who makes you feel stupid? My psychiatrist makes me feel like a caveman and Girt is super smart, but neither intentionally do it. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy and Grampa. Have you ever cried while reading a book? Yup. How many college degrees do you want? At least two. Do you like animals? LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if I could be friends with someone who didn't. What do you wear to sleep? Pj pants and a tank. Do you have anyone who is a surrogate parent/sibling to you? No. Ever fallen asleep sitting up? Maybe? How well do you know the people you live with? I have a super strong connection w/ my mom, so guess. Do you have any heroes? Mark, my mom, the Holly Hill staff, Sara, Rhett and Link. Do you take your time when making an important decision? Always, almost. But if I'm angry or manically depressed, I'm impulsive as hell. Do you enjoy comedy shows? Yeah. Do you own any jerseys? No. Do you have a song stuck in your head? "Voices" by Motionless In White, which I'm binging. Is there anything worrying you right now? Not actively. Do you believe life is what you make it? In some ways, but there are many extreme situations  that you can't really change, and no light can be made of them. Travel anywhere, where would it be? At this very instant... idk. I don't want to travel 'til I have a new camera. Meet anyone, who would it be? do you???????????? know me?????????????????????????????? Bring anyone dead back to life, who would it be? Oh boy, idk. Freddie Mercury, maybe? Thought of him as as I answer this question, it's his death anniversary. Get anything for free for the rest of your life what would it be? Ummmm I don't drive yet, but gasoline sounds like the best answer here. Change one thing about your life, what would it be? Not being long-distance with Sara. Have any superpower what would it be? Be a druid. Eliminate one of your human needs which would you get rid of? I don't wanna go to the bathroom weeps I can't drink anything without having to pee five minutes later. Change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be? Be a slim goddess with an a s s leave me and my dreams alone. Change one of your personality traits which would you choose? Assuming the worst. Be talented at anything instantly what would you choose? Social interaction. Forget one event in your life which would you choose? The night of the breakup. That night still feels surreal; it literally felt like the apocalypse. Nooo words do what I felt even a quarter of justice. Change one law in your country, which would you change? Alter the second amendment to some degree. What was the last thing that made you feel good? Mom was super proud of me for doing a lot of the dishes. I absolutely haaaate doing it. Do you have an annoying neighbor? Not really. Do you get exercise daily? No. What school subject do/did you hate the most? Math. How do you feel about God? The Christian one, I'm assuming you mean? I wouldn't be surprised if someone assumed me a Satanist if I answered this without detail. What is one thing you would hate about living in the era before yours? Lack of technology weeps. Which historical era interests you the most? Ehhhh '80s? Are you disabled in any way? No. Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? HOUSE. Who do you wish you were still friends with? Megan, Hannia, Miranda... and I guess that's it if you only mean those my bond was officially cut with, not those I just drifted from. Do you prefer Small Business Saturday, Black Friday, or Cyber Monday? HUNNY I'm all about Cyber Monday. Who do you care about the most? In some contexts myself, but in others, Sara. What country do you think produces the best musical artists? England, I suppose? What is a song that always makes you happy? No song absolutely without fail is capable of that. Would you be able to choose between your mom and dad? Maybe. It'd be ridiculously difficult. Do you have the same political views as your parents? Some. Are you closer to your mom or dad’s family? Mom's, but I only recall seeing Dad's once. How old are the last two people you kissed? 20, and... he's 22 or 23? Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed last night? Sara. When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? Aaron, not since high school. Juan, forever ago. Jason, well over a year ago. Tyler, sometime last year. Girt, maybe a few weeks back. Do you cry easily? My eyelids are onion skin. Ever cried while you were on the phone with the last person you kissed? Over Skype. Your parents said they were moving, what would your reaction be? I don't live with Dad, so it wouldn't affect me. If Mom said that, I'd be pretty meh, mostly because I don't want to pack up my room and put all this shit back up. Especially when I don't plan on living here for many more years, so I'd just have to do it again. Do you have any text messages that you don’t want other people to read? Uhhh I don't think? I mean there's some I'd prefer to stay completely between me and the recipient, but I wouldn't be humiliated or something. Is it hard for you to get over someone? APPARENTLY. Your last kiss, on a bed or standing? Standing. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yeah. Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time? The laundry room. It's the first room from the back door. Would you rather take a cruise ship or airplane to get to your destination? Plane. Do you like winter? Yes. Are you trying to grow out your hair? That's not in my plans for the foreseeable future. Which friend are you most similar to? Sara. Do you have the right time set on your microwave? Yeah. Do you have a flat screen TV or just a regular box? Flat screen. Do you know how to change the oil in your car? No. Do you like Tootsie Rolls? I'll eat one in a tootsie pop, but no, I don't really enjoy them. What are you favorite kind of chips? Hot Cheetos. Have you taken any medicine recently? For what? Yeah, usual psychiatric prescriptions, pain relievers, and some allergy medicine. Does the water in your shower take a long time to get warm? Not really. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. Just don't see the point. Has anyone given you flowers recently? No. Do you like to go fishing? Yeah, but I always gently put the fish back. Has anyone you know been arrested recently? No. Do you have more than 1 email address? Yeah, but only because of Google's intrusive takeover shit. Do you think you will have the same job 2 years from now? N/A Is there someplace you would rather be right now? Man, I wanna be at Sara's super badly. Have you ever sang in front of a crowd? Yeah, but not alone. What kind of bathing suit do you wear? A black onesie with a skirt thing. Do you like your eyes? I suppose. Do you think you are pretty? I'd find myself okay if I was smaller. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Mom. Do you want kids? NO. Tell me what your backpack looks like: I miss my Ouija board one. :'<  Even had a planchette zipper. I need to get a new one for school. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? No. Have you ever cheated? I never could. What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? I'm not sure. Has anyone a grade above you ever had a crush on you? A few above. Describe the weirdest car you’ve ever seen. Who knows. Are you any good at improv? Never tried, never will, holy shit. I know I'd be a nightmare and feel cripplingly awkward. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? Either our late boxer mix Cali or this lab/something ginormous named Harley, but we didn't have him as an adult so I can't really remember. When did you last stay in a hotel, and where? Not since leaving for a dance competition at the beach yeeeaaars ago. Do you own any kind of helmet? No. Out of everything currently in your refrigerator, what food or drink is your favorite? I don't want to go refresh my memory. But I know we have a nachos Lunchable, and that's The Good Shit. Which do you prefer: iPhones, Android, Blackberries, or something else? iPhones. Do you ever put fruit on your cereal? No, it's pretty gross imo. Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? Not yet. But when I can purchase my own shit, I shall be DECKED OUT, my friends. Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? Oh, absolutely milk. What kind of milk do you usually use? I think Ma normally gets 2%? Who was the last person who was rude to you? Mom, probably? Would you ever let the barista at Starbucks make a random drink for you? No. Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks? Never been, as I don't drink coffee. Have you ever left a note in a library book? Don't believe so. Do you live in a house, condo, apartment, or dorm? House. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it? Yes; bit tanner than my normal skin. Would you ever film a YouTube video with no make-up on and messy hair? Prolly not 'cuz I'm a self-conscious fuck. What is the most comfortable type of pants, in your opinion? Men's pj pants. Have you ever had a cat? Dozens over the course of my life. Have you ever had a dog? Yeah, a handful. Have you ever any other kind of animal? Ball pythons, Chinese water dragon, iguana, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, hamsters... Have you ever had a pet rock? lul yes. Do you own a bobblehead? No. Do you love someone who treats you like a piece of shit? Ha, fuck that. What’s your favorite DIY Halloween costume that you’ve seen? I dunno, seen so many!! What is your favorite gender-neutral name? I have quite a few. Jamie, Dakota, Aiden, etc. etc. Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? IF I was to have kids, there's no way they'd have a very common name. What is your favorite type of braid? I had to look them up lmao. Maybe a curled plait? What is your favorite tattoo that you’ve seen? WHAT A QUESTION FOR ME. Idk!! But I like hyperrealistic ones. What is something you have too many of? Stuffed animals I refuse to give away lmao. What collection are you thinking of starting? Nothing new. Well, I'd love SotC merchandise, but that is some expeeeensive shit. Do you collect anything now? If so, what? Meerkat stuff and Silent Hill memorabilia. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? All I care about is Hot Topic and Spencer's, but rue21 sometimes has some nice graphic tees. What is one thing you and your mom NEVER agree on? The "Bentley needs to go" situation. Have you ever snuck food into a movie theater? Uh yeah, the rule's stupid, b it's even more ridiculous to be willing to pay such prices for these things. The only thing I get myself is popcorn. What time zone are you in? EST. Honestly, have you ever trespassed? Where? Maybe? I think as a kid? Can you count to 10 in any other language? Which one(s)? German. Maybe Spanish? Do you have a favorite cousin? Who is it? No. Do either of your parents have tattoos? No. Mom wants at least one relating to us kids, though. Which was better: freeze tag or hide & go seek? Hide and seek. Have you ever taken a family portrait? Not a big one/with the extended fam. What pizza place do you usually order from? Domino's. For your birthday do people buy you a cake or bake you one? Buy. Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks? No, gross to me. In what type of area was your first sexual encounter? A bedroom. What do you occupy your time with on flights? Listening to my iPod and looking out the window. When was your last major illness? What was it? Uhhhh... maybe that outrageous ear infection. Your favorite adult as a child? (and not your parents, if they were your favorite) Ummm. Probably Uncle Donny (not my actual uncle, we just called him that). He is/was the husband of our babysitter. Be nice to know how he's doing or if he's even still alive. Most embarrassing moment from your elementary school years? Remember that Antz story? That. Because judgment/rejection. :^) Most embarrassing moment from your middle school years? Uhhhh idk. I'm sure there's something. Most embarrassing moment from your high school years? So I had this anxious/fidgeting habit of pulling my eyebrow hairs out. And it got to a point I went quite a while with almost none and it was suuuuper noticeable. Have you ever climbed a tree more than twenty feet off the ground? No. Did you like swinging as a child? Do you still get excited when you see a swing set? YEAH, and I'm neutral now. Have you ever watched any major sporting event drunk? No. What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten in your life? This chicken that a family friend had at her wedding had to be like, gourmet. It was fucking delicious. Then spicy shrimp fritas from OG are some GOOD SHIT, I love not-too-crispy bacon, uhhhh. Do you pick at scabs? YEAH. What was your favorite part of prom? Taking the pictures. Have you ever performed CPR on anyone? No. Did you ever stutter, or have a hard time pronouncing? I stutter, but it's from anxiety. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? One-1 1/2. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? NO, they're so uncomfortable. Which accent/dialect sounds perfect to you? British. Which accent/dialect sounds horrible to you? I hate southern, yet here I am in the South. Which language sounds perfect to you? Latin. Which language sounds horrible to you? Idk off the top of my head. Do you have a favorite gaming platform? I'm a PS2 stan. What do you think is the most adorable thing in the whole world? Meerkat pups. What’s the most horrible thing in the whole world? Just one? Do you ever have to censor the things you say around certain people? Yes. Is there a cafe you go to regularly and the staff knows your “usual”? No. If your boy/girlfriend wanted to have a sex change, would you support them? No. *opens the gate for the onslaught of hate* Well, I suppose I should specify I wouldn't suddenly hate or even dislike them, I just wouldn't stay with them as a couple. Do you like the movies by Tim Burton? YEAH!!!! His style is everything. What do you think of cannibals? Ew. Did you ever have a Razor scooter? Yeah. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with? That I'm not godawful with kids when I totally am. How do you deal with criticism? I'm probably going to feel self-conscious and rejected to some degree no matter how gently you word it. Which national or global tragedy were you closest to and how did it affect you? 9/11, but I was too young to really understand. Do you think you’re smarter than the average person? If so, why? Definitely depends on the subject of focus. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Hmmm, thorough... I'm unsure. It may have been aaaall the way back when I was questioning something biblical. What was the last thing to upset you? Myself. What is an article of clothing you would never ever wear? A romper. Has anyone ever said that you’re delusional? If so, what for? No, but I absolutely and entirely was for a long, long time believing Jason still loved me somehow and that I could bring him back. Are you doing everything you can to make yourself happy? I sure as heeeeeeeeeell do a lot, but I could do more. What is a holiday, that is NOT celebrated in your country, that you would like to celebrate? *shrugs* Interesting question, I'm just not educated enough on this subject. Which nation’s culture (excl. your own) do you find the most interesting? Japan's. What is something you judge about other people? How they treat others. What do you consider to be childish? Being petty, own a child's temper, serious immaturity, etc.

[ghoulstars]

i Sure Would Like to not have to be literally relieved/excited when my mom goes to bed every single night because otherwise i feel constantly tense and at risk of something happening to make my living situation unsafe, again, even if we’ve had a good/normal day

shes back on her fucking bullshit today and she usually confronts me on things that have made her Mad(tm) that ive “done” but today she hasnt said jack shit to me. all i can figure is: shes upset that i didnt get up and help her stain the wood for the porch we’re building where our old shitty side deck was shes upset bc i didnt wash all the dishes ?????????? who fucking knows

heres the kicker though folks: i didnt wash all the dishes because for some reason, since replacing our water heater, when the water from the sink starts getting cold it doesnt gradually get cold, it literally goes from like scalding hot (even thru gloves) to hardly lukewarm and i was only washing dishes for about 20? 30? minutes last night before the water temp fucking plummeted so i couldnt finish. bonus is that there were literally only like 5-7 things left to wash and it was literally just 3 styrofoam cups, one pot and like...2 or 3 forks/spoons. absolutely incredible and worth spitefully giving your daughter the cold shoulder over, am i right folks

and me helping stain was only even a fucking a possibility because she gave me an open ended offer to help her last night and i gave an open ended response. she asked me if i wanted to try to go to bed early enough and she would call me in the morning and just see if i wanted/felt up to come out and help, and i said i would be willing to try and id do my best. so when my manic ass had a manic moment and i slept for 3 hrs from 6 am to 8 and was dying and couldnt pass back out for any reason of course i texted her and told her i couldnt fucking help lmao. my fucked sleep schedule is a result of my Crazy Quirky Wacky Bipolar 2 anyway and like she refuses to help me or sympathize with me abt my mental health so ??? guess ill die?????

i didnt get back to sleep around fucking like 12/1 pm and i noticed that she stopped fucking replying to my texts literally right after i said i couldnt help and then every time she walked past my room, where i was Clearly Awake And On My Phone With My Door Open, she flat out ignored me. wouldnt even spare me a side glance.

and when i woke up at 5 pm today, no matter how late i wake up my mom always comes and wakes me up no matter what, today she walked by my room twice EVEN WHEN IT WAS THAT LATE AND I WAS STILL IN BED without saying jack fucking shit to me, and only came in on her third time walking back by to her sitting room and just blankly went ‘youre not laying here in the dark’, turned on my light, then swiftly left

then before that she’d texted me, after telling me for weeks to just use our limited data even if it runs over bc our wifi cant handle my phone being connected along with all our other devices anymore, that im going to have to use my laptop now bc she isnt paying another 200$ phone bill this month. here’s kicker number 2: after literally outright giving me her food plans for tonight and tomorrow yesterday she also texts me that she didnt cook. just a flat “I didn’t cook”. im so fucking depressed all the time that i physically and mentally cannot handle getting up to find and cook myself my own like ACTUAL MEALS and making food that requires actual cooking is often times out of the fucking question, and shes been not cooking for SEVERAL nights here recently, sometimes days in a row, and with my depression being wholly unacknowledged by her, once again, guess ill fucking perish??? unless i can miraculously find the energy to make chicken fingers or ramen noodles im going to be doing what ive fucking done almost every goddamn night this past month she hasnt cooked which is live off of snack foods and ensure lmao. KICKER NUMBER 3: she promised me that either tonight or tomorrow, bc she has a Big Foobaw Game, she wouldnt cook and would instead get me my alltime favorite chinese food from my alltime favorite chinese restaurant that she knows i love a lot, and regardless of what night her game was, she didnt cook tonight and i LITERALLY heard her say less than an hr ago that she’d be cooking tacos (which she intended to originally cook tonight) tomorrow. that being said, her specifically saying she ‘didnt cook’ today when she promised to get takeout in general at some point this week makes me think tonight was just supposed to be tacos (esp if what i think i can remember serves). and now she hasnt cooked anything at all! and tomorrow its gonna be tacos! :) fucking knowing how she is and how she works and functions with her abusive behavior towards me i would not be surprised and am also partially convinced that for whatever reason she’s all DooDoo Angery at me that shes doing this on fucking purpose to deprive me of the treat she promised out of spite/as some kind of passive aggressive ‘punishment’ HAHAHAHA ECKS DEE SO FUNNY XDDD

the only other time shes acknowledged my fucking worthless existence(tm) today was to pull one of her Iconic “im only saying this really ridiculous shit that ive never said before and we’ve never talked about before, ever, just to take digs at my daughter bc she Displeased Me” moments, where she walked by, almost totally ignored me again but stopped like. like she was gonna just keep walking but caught herself and she ended up like...halfway obscured by my doorway anyway and quickly said to me “i need you to sweep.” and then she went to the bathroom and i hear “and take your (cat) poop out too. litterboxes get done every night.”

we have two litterboxes. never in the history of ever has she said anything to me about they get done Every Night >:( and that has never been an established rule, nor have we ever even spoken about me doing that. i do them every few nights, usually on different days, bc there’s Two Litterboxes. and surprise surprise my depression impedes my ability to keep up with them without her having to tell me to clean them most of the time which pisses her off, except i literally did them 1-3 nights ago and theres no way that they both need cleaning again already and now shes suddenly on her shit like. they get done. every night. in that fucking vaguely militant voice she gets when she’s mad like that and is fucking with me on purpose

but fucking like even regardless of all this other shit, point blank, she is the one who has not expressed any of her annoyances with me today to make her act like this. how can i fucking communicate about the issue when she doesnt TELL ME WHAT HER ISSUE IS and instead opts to mentally and emotionally screw with me for her own satisfaction--and even then!!! she has no right to be this mad with me over not helping with the porch bc SHE left it OPEN ENDED and NONCOMMITTAL, SHE could have easily asked me why there were dishes left (though bc i have to do them so late at night/early in the morning bc im fucking depressed shed prolly just blame me FOR doing them at that time bc if i do them TOO LATE at night then the WATER TEMPERATURE GOES DOWN because its COLD AT NIGHT or something like that) but she didnt and now like everything else, fresh off my period, still manic, always rapid cycling, just got off the manic depression train slightly after being on it for two days and then before that it was Severely Uncomfortable Euphoria, feeling just so fucking wrong in my own skin and feeling too many emotions that are too strong that i dont want, so on and so forth, im the one whos suffering because of her unresolved neuroses and narcissism

and like....to be honest, real shit? with how fucking unpredictable and fucky she’s become since our Big Fight i also would not be surprised and sort of have half a mind to think she’s just mad for literally no reason (related to me or otherwise) and is doing this just because lol

[hellyeahomeland]

An HYH Exclusive Interview with Amy Hargreaves

[Saint. Heroine. The only real adult on this show. Future President of the United States. Here at HYH, we love Maggie Mathison something fierce. We are beyond excited today to share an interview with Amy Hargreaves herself, who’s brought Maggie to life so vividly the last seven seasons. Amy was gracious enough to answer all our questions about Maggie, her relationships with others on the show, what it’s like to work with her fellow cast members, and her wonderful dog Fred. Thank you, Amy! –the HYH team]

Hell Yeah Homeland: You first appeared on Homeland in the second episode of the series. How did you get involved with the show in the beginning, and what do you remember about your audition? Amy Hargreaves: I auditioned for Maggie. It was like any other audition. I went over to Judy Henderson’s office and the casting assistant (not Judy) put me on tape. It was just the two of us in the room. I know it was the scene in the kitchen in 1.02 when I’m giving [Carrie] meds and she’s annoyed because it’s less than normal. I did the scene once, thought it was really good, and the casting assistant gave me some notes based on what they wanted in the character and had me try it again. I wasn’t really feeling her notes to me but I took the direction anyway. When I got the job and was on set for my first day, Michael Cuesta was directing. He let me know that they REALLY liked the second take of my audition scene, and wanted me to play the character in that direction. So much for my first take that I thought was amazing!

HYH: What do you love about Maggie? What qualities of hers do you most admire?   AH: I love how capable and strong Maggie is. I love that with all the tumult surrounding her (for most of her life) she has managed to have a full and satisfying career, raise a family, and keep a marriage together. Major achievements!

HYH: What do you feel that you have in common with Maggie? How are you different? AH: I’m so different from Maggie. I’m way less serious and much more adventurous. What we do share is the ability to juggle all the things working moms juggle. I’m pretty darn good at it. I’m working and traveling all the time and it’s tricky to do that, run a household, and raise two kids (with my great ex- husband and co-parent). It ain’t easy, but I’m doing it and so is Maggie.

HYH: You’ve appeared in five out of seven seasons. What has been your favorite scene to film so far and which scene was the most difficult to shoot? Why? AH: There’s a scene in 7.10 that was my favorite to shoot as well as the most difficult. I haven’t seen the edit yet but you’ll understand why when you do. It was particularly challenging and emotional and I love going toward what scares me.

HYH: Speaking from our own experiences, relationships between siblings can be difficult. We love the sisterly dynamic that you and Claire Danes have on the show. Can you talk about what it’s like to work with Claire? Did the two of you do any preparation at the beginning of the series to explore what their relationship as sisters might be like?   AH: It has been an absolute pleasure working with Claire from day one. We had no real preparation and I'm pretty sure met each other on my first day on set. We didn't get into tons of back story about Maggie and Carrie but, as happens on long-running TV shows, the back story kind of reveals itself as you go forward. It's a tricky challenge because you have to create a fully-formed person and relationship from day one, then two years later you find out... “Wait, our mom left us when we were teenagers? We have a half brother?” It's all part of the fun though. Working with Claire [has] really been a professional highlight for me. I've been on a lot of film and TV sets and rarely is the star of the show so down to earth, talented, focused on the work, open and accessible, AND well-liked by the crew. She's kind of a unicorn. She sets a fantastic tone on the set that allows us to come, focus, do good work, and get home to our families. All this and as an acting partner, she’s fantastic.  When the cameras roll and they call action, we just look at each other and it flows. The relationship feels very real.  

HYH: Maggie has been the sole constant in Carrie’s life from the beginning of the series until now. How do you think the relationship between Carrie and Maggie changed after Frank died in season four? How has it changed since Carrie became a mother?   AH: Wow. Well. I think that losing Frank was a tricky thing for both Carrie and Maggie. I feel like although Carrie was clearly his favorite, it was Maggie who was doing more of Frank’s care-taking (Maggie forever the martyr lol). But somehow Frank was a glue that held the sisters together. After his death perhaps there was less of a reason for them to see each other... and with Carrie traveling/working in Europe and NYC, and Maggie taking the sabbatical in Rome (sigh)... perhaps the sisters are coming into season seven with a relationship that has evolved a bit.  

HYH: One of the more important Carrie/Maggie scenes was in the season 4 finale when their long lost mother turns back up. Carrie had previously remarked that Maggie would never forgive her mother for leaving them, but as we see, Maggie has a change of heart. What do you think inspired that shift?   AH: I think that Maggie grew up (like a lot of us do) and realized, what’s the point of holding onto all of this anger and bitterness now? It’s a really healthy approach and I admire Maggie for it. The past is past, let’s look forward.

HYH: Maggie seems to have a lot on her plate where Carrie is concerned to open season seven. How do you think Maggie views Carrie's life at the start of the season? AH: I think Maggie is cautious and caring with Carrie because she is aware of the trauma she (and Franny) had been through in the recent past. I think Maggie is happy to be back on [American] soil and able to provide a spot for Carrie to circle her wagons and Franny to have a more normal existence.

HYH: We see Maggie and Saul first meet at the end of season one during Carrie’s manic episode. How do you think Maggie views Saul? Does she think he had/has Carrie’s best interests at heart? Do you think her opinion has shifted over the seasons? If so, in what ways?   AH: I think in those early seasons that yes, Maggie thought Saul had Carrie’s best interests at heart. We had some loose discussions during that time period about how well Maggie and Saul knew each other. I remember Alex Gansa saying that perhaps Saul had worked with Frank (who was supposed to have been CIA at some point. Even if that was never spoken about on the show, it was told to us as back story), and that Maggie considered Saul something of a close family friend. I also think that for her sanity, Maggie chooses not to dive 100% into current affairs and the news--and perhaps takes what she sees on CNN, etc. with a grain of salt.

HYH: We only saw Maggie and Quinn meet once, at Frank’s wake in the season four finale. In the second episode of this season, Carrie’s psychiatrist refers to Quinn as Carrie’s “best friend,” borrowing language that Maggie had previously relayed to the psychiatrist. How do you think Maggie viewed Quinn and his relationship with her sister? AH: Well we only SAW Maggie and Quinn meet once, but I feel like they may have had a few more encounters. I also think that Carrie spoke about him to Maggie over the ensuing years. I think Maggie felt good about Quinn and Carrie’s relationship (of course, based on her limited info) and saw how devastated Carrie was after he died.  

HYH: Before this season, Maggie’s husband Bill was only ever talked about but never seen. Can you elaborate on what it was like to finally get to portray that relationship after so many years of it only ever being alluded to? How did you and Mackenzie Astin, who plays Bill, approach portraying that husband/wife relationship?   AH: HA!! Yes, well, the eagle-eyed viewer would have noticed a background artist playing Bill in the funeral scenes. I'm not sure if he was every really shown on camera but there was a person sitting near me in the pew. I'm thrilled that after so many seasons of “golfing” that Bill gets to exist for real. Mackenzie Astin has been fantastic. He dropped seamlessly into our pretend family as well as into the larger Homeland family. It's great casting. It has also been fun to play a relationship where the two people are 100% solid as a team, even despite ups and downs. I'm inspired by their relationship and their strength together.

HYH: In the early seasons of Homeland, Maggie had two daughters: Josie and Ruby. Is that still the case? If so, where is Ruby?   AH: Ruby is away at college!!! The timing works out! Maybe she'll come home for Spring Break?

HYH: We’ve loved your behind the scenes featurettes exploring the various departments involved in the production of Homeland. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned filming those videos?   AH: I have enormous respect for stunt people so that part was tons of fun to explore!!

HYH: You’ve been filming Homeland and season two of 13 Reasons Why. Are there future projects in the pipeline you can share?   AH: I'm really excited for everyone to see season two of 13 Reasons Why.  We don't have an air date yet but it will be this year. I also work quite a bit in independent film. I have a film called Buck Run that will be making the festival rounds soon--it's a moving and meaningful project--I'm eager to see how the audience takes to it!!

HYH: Last but not least, we love all your Instagram posts of your dog Fred. How is Fred doing? AH: FRED!!!!! He's my third child really.  As we know, it takes a village to raise a child (and a dog). Lucky for me, my brother loves Fred as much as we do. When I travel for work, Fred goes to the country and stays with my brother. Fred gets to be a city dog and a country dog!!! I need to pick him up this week!!!

[silveredglass]

RULES

·         Always post the rules

·         Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

·         Write 11 questions of your own

·         Tag 11 people (or however many you want)

Hello. @dictacontrion tagged me in this, (thank you love!) And can I just say - I love this particular tag thing? It’s different and everyone’s questions and answers are great. It gets long so I will put a cut in, but everyone and anyone come have a chat if you like. <3

1. If you could have one billion dollars or the not (or only incidentally) profitable superpower of your choosing, which would you choose and why?

I suppose one billion dollars because I could do a lot with that.. Fund a lot of shelters, healthcare. Give a lot away to indigenous peoples to make their own choices. I could get myself elected. Possibly buy a two bedroom terrace in the city I live in (although real estate is crazy here so that would eat up a chunk 😉 But yeah, I mean you’d go for the money and the ability to change lives.

2. What article of clothing makes you feel most awesome? 

My under-boob-body-suit-spanx-thingy? Also, I have this amazing navy matt sequin skirt and it’s, uh, well it’s amazing. It comes to about my knees and it twirls (!) and did I mention it’s made of matt navy sequins.

3. How did you get into your most recent fandom?

I don’t really have a ‘recent’ fandom as such. Relating this to my blog and fic stuff, I guess for me I have always had just one blog that everything went on; I was never good at separating interests or interested/good at ‘curating’ something. I did for many reasons discourse and theories and lies people tell and a whole damn hot mess delete my old blog and start again, but I literally had about 5 people I spoke to on that and 4 of them have left tumblr. That said, it’s always been Harry Potter and 1d and music in general and pretty pictures and sometimes a boob or two.

4. What’s your least favorite/most hated book, and why?

Ahh. Jesus. There are books I hate that I have never read – like The Da Vinci Code. But for something that I have read, probably anything by Brett Easton Ellis. I’ll focus on American Psycho. 

I spent a lot of time in my late teens and early twenties either at school or uni reading books written by men about male experiences (presented as seminal works for ALL humans which eye-roll they are not) and often feeling very uncomfortable about them, but because they were deemed ‘cool’ or ‘good’ by people I respected I never spoke up about my issues with them. AP is honestly just the pinnacle of this. It’s not that I think the book is poorly written, or that it doesn’t have a place as such, or even that I have a problem with the shocking the elements of it – but it gets away with so much horrid misogyny in the name of art and really the violence actually takes away from the theme of the novel and so just ends up being sensationalist bullshit.

I am not sure if this makes sense, but basically I hate it because it is misogynistic and bad and also because of what it represents about me not speaking up when I wanted too.

5. Describe a fanwork you’d love to read/see/watch, but don’t want to create yourself, please?

Hahaha, @charlotte-bird’s Glasto fic. (Although I want to write a festival one shot myself, I love her sketched out plot idea and this art work a lot.)

6. What would be the lineup of your ideal music festival?

OK. I ended up with a spreadsheet which involved a fantasy festival lasting three and a half days, over three stages and two tents, and I was negotiating set times with myself because I wouldn’t be able to see all the bands I had programmed for myself at my fantasy festival? It was a mess.  SO, I have gone for a nice one day-er featuring artists who I have not yet seen live, and for most, will of course never get that opportunity.

The Go-Betweens. Manic Street Preachers. Pulp. Amy Winehouse. Fleetwood Mac. David Bowie. The Beatles (cos you would if you could.) and then The Supremes to dance the night away…

7. You’re given the power to unilaterally create one law or policy in one country - what is it? 

Fark. I don’t live there but straight away I thought of health care in the US. It’s unfathomable that people go broke because they break a leg? But closer to home and for personal (selfish?) motivations I would create federal policy around domestic violence, sentencing and parole conditions for offenders and proper long-term funding for short and long term effects of domestic violence. And leading from that a reformative framework for addressing crime that is primarly committed against women and children as a whole.

8. If you had to commit to living in one place for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I think near a river on the NSW South Coast. Or maybe Edinburgh. But I’d probably want to stay in Australia. We have a fair amount of problems and douchebag conservatives, but it’s a very lucky place to live.

9. Thinking about your life a year from now, what’s one thing that you hope will be different?

I’d like to have some proper travel plans for a long trip overseas & the other missed connection stuff relating to that.

10. What’s one thing that you hope will be the same?

My family are all healthy.

11. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? 

Emily’s Cartoon this week , I just saw it reblogged again on my dash and lmso – the sky badger kills me.

OK. I’m tagging @charlotte-bird, @serpensthesia, @devinesis, @dddraconis, @slowestdive, @kiwisinnewyork, @thebluepeninsula, @jadepresley um @dictacontrion want to do this again !? (totally do not have to at all) @blamebrampton? 

I know you’re all busy, so no pressure. And I know everyone always says 'anyone else who sees this and wants to please do’ - but I mean it, honestly I love this one, it’s like having a great chat.

My questions are:

1. Have you ever had something happen to yourself (not as a baby) that you didn’t remember until someone else told you about it?

2. Best food combination that shouldn’t work but does that you have ‘invented’?

3. Do you like live theatre? Art exhibits? If so tell me about something you’ve seen that made an impact.

4. Do you have an accessory or jewellery or makeup that you wear almost always?

5. What is your strongest olfactory memory?

6. What album that has been released in the past two years should I go buy?

7. When you were a kid did you have a favourite make believe game you’d play? Or dress up you’d wear?

8. Tell me something that made you feel proper chuffed with yourself. In a nice quietly contented way.

10. Have you ever had a scary or very odd animal encounter? 

11. Share a link to a fic or fan art that you love?

[kai-keda]

So it’s 11:20 now and I took my medicine at 10:30. If the pattern continues, I’ll be restlessly trying to sleep in about 30 minutes and then be knocked out in another hour after that.

Now that that depressed spell seems to be over I think it’s high time I give an actual explanation of what’s going on with me.

I’m bipolar or I have bipolar disorder. I’m not sure which one I want to use yet so for now I’ll use both.

The diagnosis of me being bipolar was from one visit and there’s a chance, albeit a small one, that there’s something up with my thyroid and that it’s not bipolar. But the issue I take with that is, well for one my parents said something about the blood work I did recently being supposed to tell you if you have that thing with the thyroid that the psychiatrist suggested I have examined, and for two, I’m coming to realize that I have delusions.

I’ve had them for as long as I can remember.

Last night I had a long talk with my sister where I had asked her “wait, is that not normal?”. I was looking up information on one of the medicine’s I’m taking cause I wanted to know if taking a Midol with it would be alright and in the information was included that it helps with delusions (eg; thinking others can read your mind) and when I asked her “Wait, is that not normal?” after highlighting that section on my phone, she suggested we take a walk.

My siblings and I love having long talks while we walk. I think it’s why we’re so close.

On that walk I told her about a lot of the things I’m starting to question myself on. Things that had her say “yeah, that’s a little nuts.” before vehemently apologizing while I simply laughed and explained that I knew what she meant by that and that coming from her, it’s okay.

But that was the confirmation I needed.

None of the delusions I’ve had are as bad as the stories of my Uncle but they’re still delusions.

And I’m trying to process that.

Yeah, my Uncle has bipolar, too. That’s the other reason I’m sure it’s not the Thyroid thing - though I am getting that checked on Saturday. I’ve read that it’s believed that there’s a hereditary connection to bipolar and with my Grandmother bringing that up as well with telling me that her dad had a cousin that had it, I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on.

My mom wants to swear that it’s not hereditary but I think that’s just because of parent guilt.

This is turning out to be quite long, isn’t it? I think I’ll get to the important part.

I’m feeling better.

The medicine has a weird side-effect so far where falling asleep/waking up is at .001% speed - hence the earlier mention of being restless soon - so there’s a weird zombie state that I get pushed into but I’m feeling better.

I know it’s only been a week and I’m wondering if maybe I just left a depressed phase and entered a manic one but I’m not being as “sensitive”. The anxiety medicine is definitely working. (Yeah, I still have Social Anxiety)

Hell - I e-mailed a teacher today about auditioning for a music scholarship which had official auditions set for April 29th and he said YES! And the whole time I was a little nervous but I wasn’t anxious. I was just...nervous. That was a new feeling for me.

You know what also was a new feeling?

I spent the whole day with my mom and didn’t clash with her at all.

I’ve always loved my mom, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve also always clashed with her. And today I didn’t. That’s... It’s incredible for me. I practiced this new song for my audition with her where she coached me and I didn’t freak out, I didn’t get frustrated, I didn’t get annoyed. I just had fun.

I know it’s only been a week, and my mom was saying the same thing, but I feel different. Maybe I’m just full of energy because it’s manic but the fact that I’m not being as “sensitive” or that I’m not “taking things to heart” is completely new.

I’m unsure if I want to stay like this forever.

I mean, it feels great, yeah, but part of it feels fake.

I guess I just need to get used to changes because it looks like they’re coming in fast.

I need to figure out how to make this feel real because this feels good.

[themadlostgirl]

Not Dead Yet (Part 61)

*me: why has my activity been so dead?

story: you never finished uploading that new chapter

me: what? oh shit!

story: fucking dumbass*

Pairing: Reader x Peter Pan

Warnings: language

Walking along the beach Felix saw the portal open up in the sand and watched as Pan emerged. He didn’t look any better than when he had left days earlier but he was more in control. He looked over at Felix almost as if he knew he would be there when he came through the portal.

“Did you find her?” Felix heard himself asking.

“Yes.”

“Then where is she?”

“Where she wants to be.” Pan walked into the jungle.

Felix let him go.

~~~

“Y/N!” Phillip ran up to me when he saw me walk back into the inn. “You’re okay! Thank goodness. I was so worried about leaving you alone with that guy and...why are you crying?”

I wiped at my eyes. “Ignore me. It’s been a rough night.”

“I’ll say. What’s wrong? Did he hurt you?”

I shook my head. “He wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Who was that? How did he know magic? What happened?”

“Phillip, I really don’t want to talk about this. Not tonight.”

“Okay. But if you need anything, anything at all, let me know.”

“Thank you,” I tried to smile but I didn’t have the energy for even that. I went upstairs back to my room. My door was open and the chair was upside down on the ground. Luckily the door and lock were fine and closed without issue.

I set Candace down on the desk and kicked off my boots. The bean was still clutched tightly in my fist. I set it down on my bedside table and slipped under the blankets of my bed. The events of the night caught up to me and fell asleep within minutes.

~~~

Baelfire had escape the island while Peter was gone. He wasn’t surprised. At this point he didn’t even care. Y/N was gone and she wasn’t going to come back. None of this would have happened if Baelfire hadn’t come to the island. He was glad to be rid of him.

Back at the camp in the cold light of the new morning Y/N’s tent lay bare save a few items. Her cot, blankets, a lantern, and the little nest out front. Peter knew he should tear down the tent but couldn’t bring himself to. The others would with time. He couldn’t be the one to do it though.

He thought back to his last conversation with Y/N. Seeing her looking like a vision in that white nightgown and her request for him to stay the night with her. Every fiber of his being wanted to but he couldn’t give in. It would just be another bittersweet memory and would have made walking away from her that much harder.

“So…” Peter looked over his shoulder to see Devin standing behind him staring at the unused tent, “She’s really not coming back?”

“Doesn’t seem that way.” Peter sighed. He had given her the bean and though it was slim he wanted to believe she would use it to come back. A sliver of hope to hang onto.

“Is she happy?” Devin asked.

“She had better be.”

Right as the words left his mouth Peter felt it. Someone had entered Neverland.

~~~

In the morning there was a knock on my door. I hadn’t gotten much sleep and groaned as I stood up to answer it. Phillip was on the other side looking rather sheepish.

“Morning,” he looked me over, “Not sleep well?”

“Barely at all.” I yawned. I slipped on my dressing robe overtop of my nightgown. “Come on in.”

“How are you?” Phillip sat down in the desk chair. “Last night…”

“You probably want some answers, huh?” Candace had woken up too and joined me on the bed resting her head on my thigh.

“I would like some. First off, who was that guy that came looking for you?”

“His name is Peter Pan. We’re--we were best friends and even more than that sometimes.”

“More?”

“Lovers, Phillip, we were also lovers.”

“Oh,” he started to turn pink before my eyes. “I didn’t know that you had ever--”

“There’s no need to discuss it.” I assured him, “We’ve been together for longer than I can remember and recently things started going sour. I left, he followed, things were said and now he’s gone.”

“Will he come back?”

“No. He promised he wouldn’t.”

“Well that has to be a relief. He won’t try to kidnap you again.”

“Yeah…”

I glanced at the bean on my bedside table. It glittered beautifully and tempting in the morning light.

“Y/N?” Phillip followed my gaze, “What is that?”

I wish you every happiness.

I picked it up inspecting it closer. “Happiness.”

~~~

Peter raced to where he had felt the new presence on the island. Later he may have thought to simply teleport there with his magic but in that moment he didn’t care. Someone had entered Neverland. A familiar presence.

He came to a dead halt in the middle of the jungle path when he saw the new figure racing towards him. Hair streaming behind her head and nightgown already stained with the wreck of the jungle. She saw him and stopped as well, eyes as wide as a deer’s.

“Peter,”

“Wendy,”

She had a kitchen knife in her hand and a manic look in her eye. “I don’t want any trouble. I just want to bring Bae home.”

“Baelfire is gone, Wendy bird.”

“What?”

“Escaped the island a couple days ago in fact.”

“But--” her grip on the knife grew tighter, “Why didn’t he come back?”

“Who can say.” Peter shrugged. “At least we got something in return for his escape.”

“If you think I am staying--”

“It’s not a question,” Peter flicked his wrist and the knife shot out of her hand, “I have to wonder, how did you get here? I doubt you had a magic bean lying around.”

“The shadow, I called for it last night. It brought me here.”

“I see,” Peter grabbed her arm, “All for not though, I’m afraid.”

“Let go of me!” she tried to pry his hand off, “You can’t keep me here.”

“Oh yes I can.” Peter felt a wave of possessiveness. “No one leaves without my permission. Never again.”

“Where is Y/N? I want to speak with her.”

He squeezed her arm tighter at the mention of Y/N. “Gone.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean she left. She left and she isn’t coming back.”

“You--you--”

“I did nothing. She left of her own accord. Decided to grow up and live out her days making candles in a frostbitten village.”

Wendy was shaking now. Out of fear or anger Peter couldn’t tell. “You ignoramus!” she shouted at him, “How could you let her leave like that?!”

“Why is everyone yelling at me about this?!” he groaned aloud, “It’s not like it was my decision! She left, she doesn’t want to come back, end of story. I can’t force her to stay!”

“But you can force me and everyone else on this island?”

“Yes.” he threw her to the ground, “You have a lot of daring for someone who will be calling a wicker cage home from now on. What happened to the meek little lady who froliced about the jungle before?”

“She knows what this place truly is. Who you people really are. Now that one of the only decent people on this island is gone I’m not looking to be nice.”

“My Lost Girl really rubbed off on you,” Peter smirked at her. “Maybe you can still be useful.”

Wendy pushed herself back to her feet and followed Peter back down the path. “What did you do to drive her off?”

“Excuse you?”

“Y/N, I assume you did something to scare her off for good. What was it?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Sure it does, I want to know how foolish you truly are.”

“You have no right to be saying anything to me about foolishness. At least I remembered to put on shoes before traversing a jungle.”

“Not wearing shoes and chasing off the girl who loves you hardly seems like interchangeable situations.”

“The girl who--what?” he turned to her now not sure what to feel about the information.

If you and Peter are friends and lovers then does that mean you love him?

“Peter Pan, you are truly a foolish boy.” Wendy shook her head almost in pity. “How could you never see it?”

“Did she tell you that?” he grabbed her by the shoulders, “Did she say that exactly?”

“Depends. What would you do if she did?”

~~~

A loud ruckus from downstairs drew Phillip and I’s attention away from the bean. “What do you think is going on?” I asked.

“I might have an idea,” he sighed and left the room.

Okay, that was strange. I got up and got dressed opting for some pants instead of a dress today and strapped my dagger to my belt. I followed Phillip downstairs to get some food and see what had everyone freaking out about earlier.

Everyone in the inn was unnaturally still and a hooded figure was stood in the middle. There was a dark sense of magic surrounding them. Looking around the main floor a few chairs had been overturned in a rush to stand. Phillip was at the bottom of the stairs gripping the railing like his life depended on it.

Whoever this hooded stranger was definitely had everyone on edge. After being skewered by pirates, having the shit beat out of me by Lost Boys, almost being killed by Peter and throwing down with the Black Fairy this latest boogeyman wasn’t as terrifying as they wanted to be.

“You do know pretending to be a statue doesn’t make you invisible?” I went to stand next to Phillip. “Who is this guy? Landlord? Town bully?”

The hooded stranger turned around with a mad smile and sickly eyes, “Your worst nightmare, dearie,”

“Good gods, it’s a giant iguana,”

“Y/N!” Phillip looked like he was going to pee his pants with fright.

“What? He does! That is the strangest rash I have ever seen and I lived on an island that had ferns that would turn your skin to boils the size of plums.”

“You certainly are a brave one aren’t you?” Sir Iguana Skin stepped closer, “That or just very stupid.”

“Depends on who you ask.” I shrugged. “Who are you? I haven’t been here long but I’m sure I’d recognize something like you.”

“Where are my manners?” he gave an exaggerated bow, “Rumplestiltskin.”

“Oh fuck me,” I muttered.

“So, you’ve heard of me,”

“Yeah…” This is bad. This is so fucking bad!

“Then I suppose an apology is in order.”

This was the Dark One. One of the first Lost Boys. The man that had once been like a little brother to Peter. Baelfire’s father. The original owner of the dagger strapped to my hip. I never thought I would ever meet this monstrosity of guilt and evil.

I took a deep breath trying not to show nervous I was. “I am truly sorry for mocking you.”

“Uh-uh,” he waved a finger in my face, “Pretty words are only half the price.”

“I make candles, I don’t have a lot of money.”

“Nor do I need it, spinning straw into gold and all that. I need something a little more personal.”

Sentimental worth. Peter liked the same sort of payment.. “Fine,” I took off the leather cuff on my wrist. The one Peter gave me after I saved him from the Black Fairy’s realm. “Will this do?”

“Let me see,” he took the cuff, “well worn, traces of magic and what is this?” he pointed to the amber stone laid in it.

“A pretty rock?”

“Oh no, this,” his face grew serious, “is Neverland amber. How did you get it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re a pretty good liar, I can see that, but not good enough to fool me, dearie.” he inched closer hand outstretched threateningly, “Now the truth.”

“You don’t scare me.”

“Liar,” a sharp pain ripped through my head.

I dropped to my knees clutching my head. Oh gods...is this death? No. Death would be better. The pain ceased and I was hauled back to my feet. My eyes felt like they were going to roll right out of my skull.

“That looked like it hurt.” his sharp fingernails scratched my skin, “The amber, how did you get it?”

“Present from an old friend,”

“What friend?” When I didn’t answer he grabbed my throat. “Tell me!”

“Peter!”

“Phillip!” I tried to stop him but he wouldn’t shut up.

“Some boy named Peter Pan. They were lovers.”

“Phillip, you cowardly bastard!”

“Peter Pan,” the Dark One snarled, his grip on my throat tightening, “You’re from Neverland.”

“Was,” I gasped, “Not anymore.”

“Couldn’t stand him either huh?”

“Hated him.”

He grinned and whispered, “Liar.”

“Killing me will bring you nothing.”

“True, but torturing you for information about your little ex-lover would be a nice treat.”

“No need. He’s an ass and doesn’t leave Neverland anymore. Not much else to say.”

“You seem to not understand this little quirk of mine. I know when you lie. So when you keep lying in an effort to protect that vile worm you make me angry. Understand?”

I can’t let him know about Peter. He’ll hurt him. I can’t let that happen.

“I’ve been told I’m very stubborn. Torture away, it will lead to nothing.”

“We’ll see about that.” he waved a hand and a column of smoke engulfed us taking me far away from the inn.

(First) (Previous) (Next)

[eradikeats]

18 Questions About Music

I was tagged by @and-so-are-you​ who is my husband/soul mate/trash can friend. Follow him for art and soft-goth vibes x

1. Which bands/artist do you own the most albums by? this question goes two different ways for me because i own whole discographies of many artists/groups and, some of these artists will have longer careers than others so inevitably they will have more albums, you feel. reality is that i own literally everything Maynard James Keenan has recorded and released in an official capacity either with Tool, APC, or Puscifer - plus soundtracks he’s appeared on. The Beatles because i took all of my parents collection and ripped it to my laptop. i own A LOT of Bowie and Prince, all of Muse’s albums, every Joy Division/New Order, The Cure, Deftones, White Lies, IAMX, Elbow. generally, if i get heavy into a band i become a collector. 

2. What was the last song you listened to? The Human League - Seconds

3. What’s in your CD/Record player right now? i was listening to Cocteau Twins Heaven Or Las Vegas while i cooked dinner because you can kind of just yodel along without actually focusing on words

4. What was the last show you attended? white lies at music hall of williamsburg last month

5. What was the greatest show you’ve been to? oh jesus. there’s been a few tbh. elbow at reading 2011 was insane because i was back in the UK and a fucking rainbow erupted over the stage while they performed the birds and i totally lost it. a perfect circle at lollapalooza was the time i became someone Other. IAMX in London last year was emotional as shit cause i was coming down from a stomach flu, was with @simonjpg and @and-so-are-you and they played This Will Make You Love Again and wow. Muse’s War Child gig with fuckin DEAD STAR and the whole of the internet erupted asking me if i was ok which, no i certainly was not. i saw Stevie Wonder for free two summers ago which WOW. funny i’m naming legends but once i saw O’Brother open for Biffy Clyro and they blew me the fuck away. i’ve been a fan ever since and i’m so pleased they’re doing really well now.

 i’ve been blessed with some incredible gigs.

6. What was the worst show you’ve ever been to? yikes. ive never been to a show where the band i’ve paid to see are awful but ive suffered some horrible openers, let me tell you. the worst was when i went to see brian fallon and his opener, i literally do not remember who, was so terrible i got a headache halfway through the set and had to leave the entire gig because i was in agony. 

7. What is the most musically involved you have ever been? uh, in what capacity? well. i play violin and am a singer, i sight read better than i sight sing though. sight reading means im kind of okay at piano although my left hand prowess is non-existent, really. but i mean, if we’re being open and honest, i actually am employed in the music industry, so that’s pretty damn involved if you ask me lol.

8. What show are you looking forward to? SO MANY. ive got some huge festivals this year - Gov’s Ball, Glastonbury, and Lollapalooza (supposing i get tix to the latter). elbow in november, New Power Generation at the start of April. who knows what else will get announced - hoping for some official Franz Ferdinand dates (besides their gov’s ball set) or an APC tour. 

9. What is your favorite band shirt? i have this v-neck black shirt from when i saw The Cure last year. the only size they had was xxl and i got it just because im compelled to get shirts at every gig i attend. its honestly the most comfortable shirt i own and i use it as pajamas. 

10. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day? honestly, id love to spend a day with Dan Smith from Bastille. im not even like super, duper heavy into the band (i love them but not how i love many others) i just want to get some sandwiches and talk about movies with him. we’d have so much to discuss. probably would also love to hang with lorde and osmose some of her glamour. 

11. Who is one musician or group you wish would make a comeback? like...from the dead? bowie or prince, full stop. come back and make a new album, Fair To Midland. such a specific, identifiable sound - no one is filling their space now they’re gone. 

12. Who is one band/ artist you’ve never seen live but always wanted to? BOWIE AND PRINCE. im haunted by the time Prince came to NYC when i was in college and i was too fucking poor to see him. rammstein have decided to play an NYC date for the first time in fucking years and i just so happen to be at glastonbury when they’re here (i am bitter). TOOL is on this list but WILL BE REMOVED IN JUNE, CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE. also, recently lady gaga but specifically during her fame monster years. she came round when i was in college and my housemates went - regret it because she seems like an amazing performer. 

13. Flawless albums? shit. wow. ok. ive got many. Radiohead - In Rainbows, Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes, Prince - Purple Rain, NIN - Year Zero, Cocteau Twins - Heaven Or Las Vegas, White Lies - Ritual (i swear to god, you have no fucking idea how far ahead of its time this album was- it’s six years old and it sounds like it was produced yesterday), Manic Street Preachers - Everything Must Go, elbow - the seldom seen kid, Ghinzu - Blow, and Echo & The Bunnymen - Ocean Rain - to name a few. i find when you listen to a lot of music, you wind up discovering how much art is really out there which is probably why my pretentious ass has a longer list than most idk

14. How many concerts have you been to, total? please don’t make me count. a very high number.

15. Who have you seen the most live? Muse

16. What is your favorite movie soundtrack? I have three really. The Fountain, A Single Man, and Pride & Prejudice. Also, not films but Braid, Bastion, and Transistor are some of the best video game soundtracks. I can’t really go a month without listening to them. 

17. What was your last musical ‘phase’ before you wisened up? i turned my ‘phase’ into a career, i think we’re shit outta luck on the ‘wisened up’ front. 

18. What is your ‘guilty pleasure’ that you hate to admit liking? i love the shit out of K-Pop. it’s been like a 7 year quiet thing in the back of my mind, but if you want to learn some SHINee/EXO/f(x) moves, i got you!

i forgot im supposed to tag people omg uh ok @zombeesknees because she is my queen and i want to know what she’s into; has @simonjpg done this yet? idk, do this if you want!

[spudenfinkle]

30 Gaming Questions

So this was going around Twitter a while back and you were supposed to answer each one as a single tweet, but with these questions I’m going to have to use WAY MORE than 140 characters to answer them because I’m me. So without further ado:

1 - Very first video game

I got an NES around age 5 and got a lot of games with it, but I’m pretty sure that the first one I played was the original Super Mario Bros. It was that half cartridge that also had Duck Hunt too. :)

2 - Your favorite character

You know what? I’m gonna go with Mario on this one, purely for the iconic nature. Plus he’s held almost as many jobs as Barbie, and his games somehow find ways to stay fresh while staying in relatively the same genre all these years. Mario > Luigi 4 eva.

3 - A game that is underrated.

The aptly titled game “Remember Me” is always my go-to for this kind of question. It came out around the same time as a couple bigger titles and didn’t have much marketing behind it, but I loved all the innovative ideas it put into a AAA title.

4 -Your guilty pleasure game

Nothing guilty about it! Uno on the Xbox One is my “I don’t feel like playing anything in particular right now, but I want to play something” game!

5 - Game character you feel you are most like (or wish you were)

So this seems kind of like two different questions, so I’ll cover both. I could not think of any character that I feel like, so I asked my wife about it and got Allistair from the Dragon Age series. He’s a snarky romantic who’s empathetic and likes to deflect things with humor. Also apparently I’m “cute like he is too”. As for who I wish I were most like? I think I’ll go with my version of Lee from the first Walking Dead game from Telltale Games (where your choices determine the story). Lee was someone who assumed the good in people, but if proved wrong was not afraid to take action and stand up to defend those he cared about.

6 - Most annoying character

Okay this one’s a tie for me between Natalya from Goldeneye and the big dumb Hat thing that hosts Mario Party 8.

7 - Favorite game couple

I’m going to go with Varric Tethras from Dragon Age and his trusty steampunk crossbow Bianca. A match made in heaven.

8- Best soundtrack

The game that got me to obsess over game soundtracks was also the first one released commercially through a major record label. Halo: Combat Evolved, and every Halo since has had consistently note-perfect soundtracks.

9 - Saddest game scene

So I could just put most of Mass Effect 3, but the moment that can get me to tear up even when explaining it to people happens towards the end of the Priority: Surkesh mission. No spoilers for people who are running through the trilogy fresh in anticipation for Andromeda, but… :*(

10 - Best gameplay

I’m going to give this one to the Rock Band series. It’s always felt so satisfying to play their instruments, and the gameplay itself helps you live the fantasy of being a rock star.

11 - Gaming system of choice

As was the case even before I got my current position, that would be the Xbox family. 💚

12 - A game everyone should play

Mario Kart. Every age, and every skill level has a blast with that game.

13 - A game you’ve played more than five times

There’s…a lot of those. Gonna have to go with the Mass Effect series here, and it will definitely not just be the second appearance on this list. I’m honestly surprised that there’s only been 2 mentions so far!

14 - Current or most recent gaming wallpaper

15 - Post a screenshot from the game you’re playing right now

16 - Game with the best cutscenes

See, you’d think that I’d be writing Mass Effect here, but I’m actually giving this to the Uncharted games. From the first one to the most recent one, they’ve done the best job at incorporating cutscenes and gameplay as seamlessly as I’ve ever seen while retaining movie-calibur production quality.

17 - Favorite antagonist

The Joker from the Arkham series. Mark Hamill. Playing off of Kevin Conroy’s Batman. Nuff Said.

18 - Favorite protagonist

This is kind of a cop-out, but I’m picking Deadpool from the Deadpool game. They nailed his manic nature, 4th wall breaks and all.

19 - Picture of a game setting you wish you lived in

20 - Favorite genre

Action RPG’s are my fav, though I play pretty much every genre. It comes from when I worked at Best Buy and felt like I had to know as much of the product that I was selling as possible.

21 - Game with the best story

Gonna sound like a broken record here, but the Mass Effect series is by and large my favorite franchise of the last generation. The story is a master class in great characters, witty banter/dialogue, and a wide range of emotions that all lead to greatness.

22 - A game sequel which disappointed you

Especially with how much promise the setting held, I was let down by Assassin’s Creed III. “A half British half Native American fighting through some of the most important events of the Revolution but with an Assassin story overlaid” sounded like the coolest thing ever, but pacing and weird design decisions made it one that I couldn’t even finish.

23 - Game you think had the best graphics or art style

So…those are two very different questions. I’m constantly amazed at the graphical fidelity of David Cage games (Heavy Rain, Beyond: Two Souls), so I’ll vote them for most photorealistic, but in terms of art style I’ve got to give it to Okami or Journey.

24 - Favorite classic game

Either Battletoads for the NES or Mario Kart 64.

25 - A game you plan on playing

MASS EFFECT ANDROMEDA. Next question.

26 - Best voice acting

So you’d thought that I’d go Mass Effect here too, wouldn’t you? And while yes, that whole series has some of the best VA in the business, I’m giving this one to the Uncharted series as well. While they get a little added benefit by getting performance capture to enhance their VO, the initial performances are consistently good. Literally every person in the game brings their A game.

27 - Most epic scene ever

If you know me you know that I love Star Wars. Nothing has ever been more epic to me than playing The Force Unleashed and single handedly bringing down a Star Destroyer from orbit to crash into a planet.

28 - Favorite game developer

Bioware. They got their hooks in me early with the original Knights of the Old Republic, then between Mass Effect and Dragon Age they pretty much cemented their place as my favorite game dev. That and so many of their employees are extremely active on Twitter, and they genuinely love interacting with their fans. I’ve even had a few conversations with Bioware devs on there, and I eagerly await my exploration of Andromeda.

29- A game you thought you wouldn’t like but ended up loving

So there was a free game for the 360 that was a blatant commercial tie-in called Dorito’s Crash Course. It was basically like the TV show Wipeout but a side-scrolling platformer focused on speed runs. It was strangely addictive, because the controls were solid and the game was, too! They made a second one that focused a little too much on microtransactions, but that first one was a very pleasant surprise.

30 - Your favorite game of all time.

So…I play a lot of games. This question is super unfair. I can maybe whittle it down to 3 games, and each one for different reasons. The first one is Knights of the Old Republic. This is the game that got me head over heels into RPG’s, and is by far the best Star Wars video game I’ve ever played. It also introduced me to my favorite game dev, so for that I am grateful. Next is Spec Ops: The Line. This game left a marked impression on me. It starts like any other generic 3rd person military shooter, but as the game progresses you see that there is way more going on. It messes with your head, and deconstructs the entire “machismo shooter” genre that was saturating the market at the time. I almost put it on the “Underrated” question, but I feel like more people are aware of it nowadays. Lastly is Halo: Combat Evolved. It was the first really “mature” game that I played. The story, music and gameplay had me sold already, but the social aspect was what had staying power. So many LAN parties dedicated specifically to Halo. I printed out topographical maps of all the multiplayer maps and drew out my strategies. I got into the tie-in novels. It connected me with other gamers even more than the Mario games (which is saying something), and I wouldn’t trade those years for the world.

[privatekururugi]

Yeah I think rape will soon be included and god help us all. Do you think Sangwoo actually loves Bum? In a warped sick twisted way? I definitely think he would have some break down if Bum was to be taken away.

Do you know how many times I deleted what I wrote because I could literally type my hands off on this topic I had like a 20 page report before attempting to restrain myself to 2,000 words because I didn’t want to put you to sleep lol.

Anywho,

I think Sangwoo does love Bum, like you said, in a warped twisted way. The only way Sangwoo knows how to love. I might have not been so convinced but the event in Chapter 13 was too bold to ignore. Sangwoo was legitimately freaking the fuck out when he thought Bum was gone. The reader has never seen Sangwoo with his grip that far off the wheel before* and the first time we do having to do with Bum leaving him seems more than just coincidence to me. (*Runner up being in Chapter 8 when Bum more or less asked Sangwoo what his damage is and Sangwoo replied after a manic fit of laughter, “Nothing!”)

Sangwoo addressed no concerns over ‘Holy fuck he’s gonna tell!’ or ‘I’m caught! It’s over!’ Instead, his thoughts were solely on Bum and all they’ve been through together. He seemed more centered on ‘You dare play with my feelings like this?!’ than anything else. Feelings he’s probably rarely felt or experiencing for the first time. (His relationship with his mom and whether his love for her differs from his love for Bum is an entire other discussion I tried to ease off of here). Sangwoo even confesses Bum is the first person he’s told even that small bit of his past to. He’s already in a special category.

Sangwoo brought Bum into the kitchen, a special place because that’s where his mom cooked and was the setting to a lot of his childhood memories. I doubt many or any of his other hostages made it that far.

It can easily be interpreted Sangwoo was aware Bum poisoned the soup. The basement is intended for punishment. Attempted murder of Sangwoo’s person should deem worthy of punishment without question. But isn’t. Instead he brings Bum to his bedroom after a second thought and plays caretaker.Sangwoo could’ve easily slashed Bum’s neck deep enough to kill (given Bum is the one that hit a nerve, triggering unhinged moment runner up) but he didn’t. Prior to, he even suggests they do something else before he “does something he’ll regret” which tells me he doesn’t want to kill Bum but as impulsive and off-the-walls as he is, he very well could (which might’ve been the case with his mother). The wind was literally knocked from his lungs when he saw Bum hadn’t left and his legs turned to Jell-O. It even came as a massive shock to Sangwoo himself, his own feelings. I think that’s when he first acknowledged them for what they are.

Sangwoo legitimately looked wishful when he glanced back before “going out” Chapter 7(?), hoping Bum wouldn’t try to escape because in his warped mind, ‘Why would you leave me if you love me?’ He tells Bum that he confuses him and he can’t tell what’s real or not. (I find it funny how both Sangwoo and Bum’s feelings for the other confuse the other party. It’s actually surprising the amount of mirroring moments they’ve had). This was back in Chapter 8. Fast forward to Chapter 15 and Sangwoo is still uncertain. His expression is childlike and open when he’s waiting for Bum to answer if he loves him. It isn’t until afterwards, when Bum has reassured him another time, that he grows confident again. I know there’s a million metas about Bum craving love and validation, but we should take a good look at Sangwoo too. Bum is in the middle of a sobbing episode where Sangwoo was drawn genuinely concerned and listening but his brain comes to a halt and his whole demeanor changes when Bum mentions he’s cool. Shouldn’t he know that already? Assume so? The boy stalked you. One would think he thinks you’re, at least, cool. No. He’s got to hear it. He’s got to hear everything from Bum. Bum has to hear everything from Sangwoo. These two crave the others attention.

Ji Eun thinks Sangwoo is pretty rad too, and he knows this, but does he give a fuck? No. This kinda reaffirms my next point*

Bum didn’t show interests in falling out of love with Sangwoo until recently. He still was affectionate towards him even after learning of Sangwoo’s hobby and sick nature. Though Sangwoo seemed to ridicule this (‘Are you stupid?’) I think it also excited him and gave Bum potential. His victims look like his mom but Bum’s personality reminds Sangwoo of her. Maybe she was accepting of Sangwoo, and that’s why. ‘I’m even loved.’ Sangwoo says about Bum, after going on about his mother. I’m sure at least a handful of his victims caught themselves fancying him too and Sangwoo still didn’t care about them. Perhaps if *they can’t love him while still knowing of his darker side he sees their love as phony and therefore invalid. (I need some fucking answers about his mother honestly). I think his attention on Bum started off because of her but could become (or now is) credited to Bum just being Bum.

Also, Sangwoo might’ve been bored as all get out with his life before Bum came. He kept face for the sake of secrecy, but when it’s safe (like when he was on the bus. Who else was on the bus? I can’t remember. Safe enough, I suppose) he just looked. Sad. Like depressed. I’m sure Bum has made things interesting for him. Who knows how often or how long he’s gone through the same routine, (he hadn’t even killed a man since his dad until meeting Bum)Fuck ‘em. Kill ‘em. Fuck ‘em. Kill ‘em.

A better question might be can you be dependent on someone without loving them? Because it could prove a lengthy discussion topic for Bum and Sangwoo.

Someone on here had mentioned something about a possible scenario where the cops are taking Sangwoo (and Bum) away and Sangwoo’s screaming “No! You can’t take him away from me! You can’t!” And starts irrationally yelling for his mommy while Bum is crying at the doorstep being ushered by Seungbae, probably. Was that you??? I think that might’ve been you but I’m not certain. Anyway, I think it was a lovely scenario because I can 100% see it happening.

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, well today was better than yesterday, and I was in a significantly better mood for most of the day, although I'm back to being slightly irked now with no real logical reason (you know, other than the obvious). But yeah. Woke up, ate breakfast (fucking cocoa pebbles not nearly as good as cocoa krispies) and caught the bus to work. Tbh I don't remember that much of what I did for the morning because I kind of ended up napping for a full hour....more on that later, though. I think I was mostly just sourcing stuff and building the timeline for the TPR prep. See, the issue with the sleep thing is like, I can't just push through it. I can't control my eyes closing. And I also can't fucking type. Like it takes me twice as long to type something because every other letter is wrong. I did 30 minutes then tried to get back to work but it wasn't happening so I did another 30 and I can get away with this because I'm an intern and for the most part nobody cares what I do. I took a lunch too because fuck it, I don't care. The interesting assignment of the day came in the afternoon from my boss, she wanted me to watch a VSI (I know I defined that yesterday but I'll be nice and do it again, it's victim sensitive interview) because her computer wasn't sound equipped or whatever and mine was because of the prison calls, lol, so she wanted me to transcribe it verbatim for her. The thing was only 13 minutes long, but obviously took me substantially longer to get through because I can't type on a PC in real time conversation, lol, so I ended up pausing after each line to type it, then generally play it back to make sure I got it right. I ended up with like 13 pages of transcribed notes, so like one per minute of the video. A couple things here. One, I'd never actually watched one of these before, so I didn't really have a context for it. Two, I had no idea what the circumstances were going into this interview- if the girl had made an outcry or what had happened (I'm avoiding giving details for obvious reasons when discussing child sex abuse) but I finished it with the impression that there had been an incident. Then my boss comes back and explains she had read the detective's notes and he said there wasn't gonna be charges and it didn't seem like there was anything there, which of course was not at all what I got from it. Apparently going into it wasn't based on an outcry but a weird hotline call that the little girl had been saying sexually explicit things in school but they unfounded the report as just nothing. So I of course relayed all of this to my supervisor, and she said she'd have to watch it now haha but had my notes as well. So that took me about to the end of my day. I had a 6:30 PT appointment because it was the only one available, and after last week's fiasco I knew there was no way I would make it on time if I took the bus, so I ubered, figuring I should have just enough time to get home, change, and go right back out. Uber was in a price surge so I ended up paying like, double the normal rate (ugh) for it but whatever. I liked the driver a lot, he said I was actually his first customer because this was his first day driving for uber haha so I was like okay, hopefully this will go well! But we started talking and I went into the cases and the reforms that have been populating the news (the more recent child death case that supposedly prompted the DCFS director into reforms that I was ranting about the other day had been pretty widely reported so he brought that one up) and I told him about my case and the ridiculous can't make this shit up facts of it all. And of course we talked the random stuff. We took the street my street is off all the way up because it's pretty much a straight shot, like the bus I take to work and back, except that one goes a few blocks over then shoots down. It had a fair amount of traffic, but I had tried to allocate enough time to make sure it was okay and I arrived at my apartment just at 6:10 which was perfect, I ran in and got changed and did a few other things then came back out at 6:20 to walk over for my 6:30 appointment. While I'm almost there, I get a call from a Long Island number, so I'm like okay, I answer it and it's my psychiatrist that I've been playing phone tag with for two weeks now. Of all the shitty timing!! But I knew because of my mental state lately I did have to have this conversation now, so I ended up standing outside the therapy place on the phone for 15 minutes while motioning to them that I'd been in as soon as possible. It was a good conversation though, I'm glad we had it, and it was definitely necessary. Apparently the deal with the phone tag was the secretary or whoever would take down my message that I needed him to call back, but somehow in there my name got substituted for my mom's, so he ended up calling her repeatedly and trying to figure out what was going on before someone realized OH, it's the daughter who's in Chicago and not Long Island, lol. So that made me feel significantly better than my messages weren't being deliberately ignored. So I told him my exams were over and my anxiety was through the roof, with the Xanax not helping. Then he asked about my sleep, and suddenly the light bulb in my head clicked on and I went OHHHHHHHHHH, YOUR MID MORNING NAPS HAVE BEEN BECAUSE YOUVE BEEN INCREASING YOUR XANAX DOSAGE YOU FUCKING MORON and suddenly that made a lot more sense. He asked some questions about describing the mind racing thing and asked if it was like hyper, and of course I knew where he was going with that so I said it definitely wasn't manic (because it's not) but more just anxiety based. So we ended up swapping out one of my regular meds for what I believe is the generic version of Zoloft, and he said to do whatever with the Xanax since they weren't helping anyway, so I'm gonna cut down on them a lot lol cuz I can't live like this. I do think I was on Zoloft at one point in high school and it wasn't terribly helpful, just one in a long line of antidepressants tried that resulted in a "meh" result, but the circumstances here are fairly different now that I'm on several meds and I have the Wellbutrin to actually treat depression, the Zoloft can potentially help the anxiety, which was definitely not really present in high school or even when I started with my psychiatrist back in 2012 (thanks, law school). I mean, it had started before law school, but that's what's really exacerbated it of course. Hey, it got my brother an OCD diagnosis after 22 years of only ever having super small tics like re-walking out of a room every so often. So hopefully those meds will get things figured out and it'll be better. So I finally got off the phone at 6:40 and of course was now very frustrated because I hate being late, but we just jumped into it instead of doing warm ups so it was fine. I keep getting asked if I'm feeling an improvement in pain, but the answer continues to be about the same, and in fact after PT it almost definitely hurts. It was actually bugging me at work today too, which isn't typical. But we had a good session anyway. Afterwards I walked across the street to Walgreens just because I wanted to grab a type of melatonin I know works for me to use as a control test for the Xanax- to make sure that's the thing that's throwing it off, not being unsure if it's the melatonin. Come home, get some dinner together and start Arrow. I wasn't totally thrilled with the episode given the plot was pretty weak, but it was of course strengthened greatly by the presence of Katie Cassidy and Katrina Law (though I would've liked more than 30 seconds of Katrina). Can I just talk about Katie Cassidy's acting skills though? I'm amazed as to how she's adopted completely different personas to the point where you can tell "who" she's supposed to be just by looking at her- that Laurel, Black Siren, and particularly black siren pretending to be Laurel, but not resembling either in any significant way but an entirely new image. I'm just like damn girl, that's intense. So things are set up for the final battle now, which has to happen on Lian-Yu because everything fucking happens on Lian-Yu, and I'll admit it does seem like it'll be a pretty epic showdown given everyone they've brought in on both sides. Back to that non-existent plot though- like really Oliver? Really??? That had to be the worst plan in existence of plans. You just handed him over and what, expected him to just let everyone go and go skip off into the sunset? Like dude, come on. That was really fucking dumb. So then it's just Oliver and fucking Malcolm, who has somehow managed to stay alive for another season, much to my annoyance. The moment with Nyssa coming in was pretty epic though, but I really hope they told her that besides her sister they were also facing off with E2 Laurel because those two got pretty damn close in season 3 and that could definitely throw her for a loop. Also, why the fuck had they not told Quentin at this point??? Like that was really dumb because you left him super vulnerable to exactly what happened. So yeah, I suppose I'm looking forward to the season finale, mostly for my two homegirls, but hopefully the rest of it will be good too. A tweet on my timeline reminded me that designated survivor was about to come on just as I finished Arrow, so I turned that on to watch live since I knew it was the season finale. Can I just say damn, I love this show so much??! It's so freaking well done in an era of totally overdone dramas, and of course this had the potential to do some incredibly shark jumping being that they blew up the entire government as the premise of the start of the plot. They've handled it really well. I think most of the episode was good and full of action, though I was sad to see Jason is actually dead (I mean, I think we knew he was, it just wasn't formally confirmed). I loved the scene between Kirkman and the reporter, because you can just tell how much respect the reporter gets from him because of how he handled the meeting, and I'm just left thinking whoever handpicked Kirkman as the designated survivor obviously massively underestimated his ability to be an incredible leader of our country. Damn what I would do for him to be our real president right now.....sigh. The speech was great and super satisfying, but I'm also watching the clock because I KNOW they have to leave some sort of cliffhanger disaster to predicate season 2 on, and of course that happened with them basically being like "we're fucked, they're fucked, everyone's fucked" which sounds like a fairly good premise to me. After this I watched Brooklyn 99 which was of course fucking hilarious. After that I got ready for bed, but for some stupid reason when I'm you know on autopilot for my routine I took the morning pills left in my "Tuesday" box instead of the evening pills in the "Wednesday" box (because I refill every Tuesday night) and took the wrong meds, then said well fuck, but my best bet is probably taking the meds I should've taken right now (none that should really interfere with the first) and just skip my morning dosage. And then tomorrow afternoon I can pick up my prescription for my new med so my body is just gonna be a psychopharmacological mess for the next 24 hours but hopefully it won't have any really bad side effects (it really shouldn't) (I'm also very impressed that psychopharmacological is an actual word and I didn't have to just make it up like I normally do when I want to use a form of a word that doesn't exist). Andddd it's past 1 am. I get to arrive at 9:30 tomorrow since we're going straight to a visit, so that'll be nice, assuming I don't fall asleep on the bus again like I did last time 😑. Anyway. Goodnight my little loves. Hope you had the loveliest of hump days.