#i think i had a panic attack at 2 am and i only slept for 5 hours and next weekend is my last full weekend

[hellfire--cult]

Edit of Eddie: Sofiiel

Stripper!Eddie x Shy!Fem!Reader

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 (end)

WC: 11.1k

⚠️ +18 MDNI, Stripper!Eddie, nervousness, fluff, self doubt, flirting, soft touches, mentions of vomit, skin on skin contact, kissing, kissing with tongue, pining, sexual tension, angst, anxiousness, self-deprecating thoughts, low self-esteem, panic attack hinting, nausea, dizziness, miscommunication

Plot: You thought you were cursed with your shyness, but after one embarrassing night, you decide it's time to change, and you believe someone might be able to help with that.

Summary: The morning after came, the need for a talk is there, a new realization, new found feelings... as well as the gears going back to the starting line.

A/N: I am sorry.

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PART 7

The sound of a bird chirping caught your ear as you slowly gained your senses back, a soft whine staying in your throat as you rustled slightly in your place. There was so much warmth, making you sigh in complete happiness, as the body next to you held you even closer, his soft snores hitting the top of your head, the smell of his cologne that still lingered–

Body holding you close?

Your eyes snapped open like plates, being met with a bare chest in front of you as it slowly raised up and then back down, tattoos splattered on his skin, tattoos you recognized now. Your heart picked up a pace as you slowly, without moving too much, pulled your head off his chest to finally look up. Your breath was caught in your throat, a squeal wanting to come out as you saw Eddie’s sleeping face, his hair all over the pillow.

Your mouth fell open as you moved your legs slightly, feeling the soreness that now resides in between them. You needed to move away from him because you had to collect yourself. You had to think. You had to process whatever happened yesterday and you were beginning to breathe heavily and you really didn’t want to wake him up, not yet. 

You closed your mouth, trying to hold your breaths in as much as you could as you slowly started to wiggle out of his grasp, earning a scrunch of his nose and a groan. You tensed up when you moved, but he rolled off you in his sleep, laying on the other side of the bed with a soft sigh. You held your hand to your chest, feeling it almost ripping out from it with every thump. Your belly was turning, almost painfully as you raised yourself from his arm that was wrapped around you seconds ago, and probably was numb from being under your body the whole night.

You stared at his bare chest, your blankets covering until they met on his hips, and that’s when you realized you were stark naked, looking down at your body that– Oh god… You had hickies. You almost squealed but you threw a hand over your mouth, holding the noise in. You really had to go and collect yourself, because you needed to go through the events from yesterday and try to calm yourself before he wakes up because you two would definitely have a talk.

And that was the problem, about what?

You slowly took the blankets off your legs and swung them to the side, and you winced slightly at the soreness on your inner thighs. It’s been way too long since you… Since you had sex. Shit, you had sex. You slept with Eddie, your friend Eddie. Just because of a split second of horniness. You stood up before you screamed and looked around to find something that didn’t require you to open your closet in order to not make any noise.

You gulped as you grabbed onto your white cotton panties that you had taken out yesterday but decided on the black set. Where’s the bra? You can’t find it, and the only things you have are the black dress from yesterday, which is a no, a pair of gym shorts that you use for bed, and an oversized white shirt. Those two will have to do, at least for now, so you could run away from the room as soon as possible.

You grabbed onto the garments and threw them on carefully in order to not stumble and trip and probably make a fool out of yourself in front of the guy you slept with a few hours ago. You felt your face burn at that while you pulled the shirt over your head and your breathing was coming out in heavy amounts from your mouth and you quickly tiptoed out of the room, and closed the door behind you making as little noise as possible.

You let the breath that was in your lungs finally leave your body as you stepped away from your door as if it were on fire. Okay, you were alone now, Eddie is naked in your room, in your bed, because you two slept together yesterday night. Your hands ran over your face and pulled your hair back, gripping your scalp tightly, feeling your intestines just twisting all about, heart in your throat and the flow of your blood very loud in your ears. 

You started pacing back and forth, taking deep breaths as you started to think. What did this all mean? You acted out of instinct, out of urges. What were you? An animal? But Eddie didn’t seem to mind, he actually went in for more with you, didn’t he? You made all the moves of course, which you still don’t know how or why you did that, but you did and he followed. 

But what now? What is going to happen now? You crossed the line, this isn’t just a friendship anymore, friends don’t fuck eachother, at least, not your normal type of friendships don’t. How are you going to explain yourself? What if he asks why you did what you did yesterday? What are you going to tell him? ‘Hey, I realized that I am heavily attracted to you.’

Sure, that is true, but what would that mean between the two of you? What are his feelings about this and… how did he feel yesterday? Were you enough? Were you good? He seemed to enjoy himself, but you didn’t really do much, so did he like it? Did he really want to do that with you? 

“Fuck…” You were biting on your thumb’s skin next to your fingernail again. You really don’t know what is going on, you really have no idea how to move from this. This is the first time you actually felt good while having sex, and you really never in your life experienced what he did to you yesterday. Your eyes widened as you stood in place, eyes widening as another curse left your lips.

The burning in your belly was back.

How was this not enough? You went all the way with him, with a man you are actually attracted to, so why are you still yearning for more? It made no sense, and how your body reacts to the memory of him in between your legs is absolutely ridiculous. You looked at the door once, licking your bottom lip as your mind became slightly hazy again.

Maybe you can act normally? Just, go back into his arms in bed, see where that takes you, see him as he wakes up and smiles at you, and you two would probably talk about the fries from yesterday night and how you didn’t get actual dinner. He would ask for some pancakes again, and then you would gladly make them.

He would like that right? Waking up with breakfast? You can do that, just normally, like the other day you were at his home. Everything was normal after that, and everything can be normal after last night. You can do this. It’s going to be completely fine, you just don’t have to think too much about it, and maybe he won’t either. You took a deep breath in and walked towards your kitchen to start on preparing some coffee and then start grabbing the ingredients for your chocolate chip pancakes. 

You were taking deep breaths, trying to concentrate on your cooking. Eggs, milk, flour, chocolate chips in. You froze. You put the chocolate chips into the batter. Just how he likes it. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Your guts turned again as you kept stirring the batter, over and over again, the gears in your head making you dizzy as the thoughts started reappearing again.

He is going to wake up soon, what are you going to say? Act normal, that’s what you settled on, but now you don’t remember what normal is. How is normal after this? What is normal about any of this? It’s not. It’s definitely not normal to sleep with your friend. Are you going to keep being friends? Oh, what if he doesn't even want to be friends? How are you going to be able to handle that?

The smell of coffee snapped you out again and you looked down at the batter, letting a breath come out of your lips to finally put the pan on the stove. You grabbed onto one of your plates as you started cooking the pancakes, trying to just focus on making them the perfect shape, cooking them just right, letting the air be filled with the sweet smell–

“Shit darling, that smells good.” 

You froze on your fourth pancake, with the spatula underneath it about to turn it over. Your heart was in your throat now, maybe your ears, you didn’t know, but there was a sharp noise ringing in your eardrums, blocking any sounds coming from around you, including Eddie’s steps that were being taken towards you. 

He was now behind you, you could feel his presence on your back, your chest heaving up and down as you stared down, not noticing that the pancake was starting to burn already. You couldn’t move, you didn’t want to look at him, you didn’t know what to say, how to act, how to move, and your body simply grew into a cold sweat, your hand trembling with the utensil still in your grasp.

Eddie has actually been awake the moment you made him roll over in the bed. He kept his eyes closed because his heart was in his throat, and he knew he had to give you time. He knew he had to leave you alone to gather your thoughts on what happened, and he couldn’t simply dive in and envelop you again, even if that was what he wanted the most. Once you were out of the room, he sat up too quickly and ran his hands through his hair as his eyes stared widely on the comforters of the bed.

He slept with you. The thing he didn’t believe to happen at all, happened, which was you showing him what you wanted to do with him. You had the guts that he didn’t have. You made the first moves, all of them, and his mind and self control completely shut off last night, but so did yours. He felt his south area beginning to harden again as he remembered last night, your body, your taste, and he didn’t even do head. He almost never did, but he was desperate for you last night, and he still is. 

When you started losing yourself to your lust against him, he really thought he had gone to heaven at that very moment. He could have died a happy man yesterday after what happened, but then he wouldn’t get more. He wouldn’t be able to taste you again, to feel you again, to hold you again, and he wanted to, crazily so. He wasn’t going to let this be a one time thing, and he needed to tell you just that, but he knew you were processing yourself right now, after all, it was the first time you had acted out of impulse to your urges.

He held back a grin as he bit his bottom lip, dropping his hands on the bed. You let go with him, which meant, hopefully, that you reciprocated what he was feeling. You weren’t a friend, not anymore. He didn’t want you to be. He actually had decided, selfishly so, to not be your friend any longer almost a month ago. It had hit him like a train really, not even thinking that you would crawl under his skin the way you did, but the more time he spent with you, the more time you two talked about each other, and to be even interested in one another’s life stories, he knew he was a goner.

His head snapped towards the door as he heard you pacing around the living room and his gut turned with nervousness as his fingers trembled with the need of going and console you, to tell you what he was feeling, to tell you that everything is just fine, and he wishes he could tell you that everything is okay and that nothing changes… But he can no longer say that. There was no way he was letting you go this time, he wasn’t going to pretend to be normal, he wasn’t going to pretend like you didn’t kiss him fucking stupid last night, he wasn’t going to pretend like he didn’t have the best night of his life just a few hours ago.

Minutes later, his nose caught the smell of coffee, and then a sweet smell. Pancakes. You were making him pancakes. He smiled widely at that, because despite you probably having a breakdown, or being nervous right now, you still decided to make breakfast for him. He took a deep breath in, getting up from the bed to throw on his boxers and pants, looking over at his shirt. If he dresses himself, fully, he was afraid of you thinking that everything was done with, and it was anything but. Shirtless it is. 

So now, he stands behind you, noticing how stiff you got, and the smell of burnt pancake filled his nostrils. His hand raised up to slowly graze over your wrist that was holding the spatula, and you almost jumped at the touch, but he held onto your wrist instantly, pulling it up so that the pancake would lift from the pan and throwing it on the plate next to the stove. He could almost hear your breathing from how hard it was, and truly, he was holding his own back in order to not make you any more nervous. 

His eyes then darted towards the bowl with batter in it, and he almost looked away when he noticed you had put the chocolate chips inside it this time, instead of sprinkling them on top of the pancake while it was cooking. The corner of his lip turned upwards at the gesture, and his chest puffed up with pride and with hope but for now, he had to snap you back into reality, because you were still frozen in his hold.

“Angel… It’s just me.” Those three words that always seemed to calm you for some reason, those three words that simply made all your nerves go away, even if little. Knowing it was just Eddie, knowing he wasn’t there to judge you, or criticize you, or call you out, but just be there for you, with you. You took a big gulp while you gripped onto the spatula even harder. 

“I–” No words were coming out. There was no way you could talk at this moment, because you actually didn’t know what to say, where to start, or how to even begin to describe what you were feeling or what you were thinking, but it seems you didn’t have to think too hard, because he was already blabbering, getting hold of the bowl with some batter left.

“See? It’s less messier when you already put the chocolate chips in.” You blink dumbly at his words, looking at the bowl. He tipped some in the pan, and his tongue stuck out from the corner of his mouth as he stuck his finger in the batter and dragged more chocolate chips into that specific pancake. That actually made you snap out.

“Don’t touch the batter with your fingers!” You exclaim at him as you wiggle the pan a bit to get all the edges with the mix. You heard him chuckle next to you as he set the bowl down.

“It needed more chocolate chips! That’s mine by the way.” He said pointing at the pancake that was already cooking and it was more chocolate than the mix. You rolled your eyes at his childishness. He stuck his finger inside his mouth, licking the batter off it.

“More chocolate chips next time, got it.” You said almost in a groan but he didn’t miss the ‘next time’ part. His mind went places. Waking up with you next to him, cuddling until midday, both of you not getting out of bed even if you needed to pee and only till your bellies grumbled that you two would get up to go make some pancakes together, laughter filling the kitchen as he shoves way too many chocolate chips in the mix and you yell at him for being too reckless. 

“I’m feeling fancy for next time, maybe add some blueberries in it? Or, hear me out… marshmallows.” He says and you cringed at the sweetness of it all, but also a small giggle came out of your throat as you flipped the pancake on the pan. 

“That’s a s'mores pancake… You can literally just have S’mores.” You say and you hear him chuckle next to you, as he walks towards the coffee pot, and sees that you had already prepared two empty cups to pour the liquid in. He filled his cup in black coffee, but yours only half. He walked towards your fridge to get your vanilla creamer out, and finally filled the rest of your coffee with it. You didn’t miss the gesture, a strong heat invading your belly and cheeks. 

“It’s not the same! The S’mores have biscuits. Pancakes are fluffier, imagine how much fluffier they would be with marshmallows inside. Honestly, I think we’re onto something here sweetheart.” You flip the pancake onto the stack you had next to the stove and turn it off because you believed five pancakes were fine for the two of you. “Or maybe we can add some mint in them.”

That made your mouth drop open, your head snapping to your side to look at him with widened and disgusted eyes, but you froze again when you saw him. The back of his hip was resting on the counter as he looked at you with a smile to his face, one hand holding a mug, the other was handing you yours. You didn’t realize that you were talking normally to him until now. How did Eddie do it? Every single time? 

“T-Thanks…” You say as you look down from his eyes but it was a bad idea. He was shirtless. Oh, the fucking flashbacks. Your whole body heated up at the memories of your nails going all over his skin, all over his chest, all over his arms. You took a large gulp out of your coffee and you clenched your eyes at the taste. It was the perfect measurement. 

“I had to bring your despise for mint for you to look at me.” He lets out with a small chuckle, taking a sip of his own coffee. You blinked down at your cup, not really knowing where to go from here. Should you apologize? Should you tell him that he should forget about it? But why would you say something so hypocritical when you didn’t want to forget about it? 

“I– I– just don’t know–” You tried to say out loud but your throat went dry at those few words, making you take more sips out of your mug, and he sighed, taking one last sip of his, putting his cup on the counter. 

“Tell me what you’re thinking Angel. I need to know what you’re thinking.” And how do you even begin? You don’t even know what you feel, you don’t even know if it was right, if it was wrong, but the only thing you knew, is that you desired Eddie, that you were attracted to him in ways that not even god could define. But you won’t tell him that, because that’s when you would crawl into a hole and disappear from the world.

“I– I really don’t know– Yesterday… I never–” You blabbered, stuttered, and he was being patient as he looked at you, hands trembling with the cup in between them. He felt his chest about to explode but he still waited, wanting to hear you, to understand you, but he knew your mind was just a jumbled mess, he can hear it in the tremble on your voice and in the way your eyes were going back and forth as if looking for an answer somewhere.

He raised his hand up to place it on the cheek that was not facing him, and you immediately froze again. He leaned down and forward to press a soft kiss on the cheek facing him this time, and your body felt like it melted away, your bones going all soft and wiggly on you, a sigh escaping your lips at the touch of his lips on your skin. For some reason, this gesture made some of the black clouds move away from your mind, leaving some space for clarity, for you to slowly turn your head to face him again as he pulled away from you, his thumb caressing your cheek in gentle circles.

“Do you regret it? Because let me tell you darling, I sure as hell don’t.” Even if your heart wanted to burst into a million pieces from how hard it was beating, your eyes still widened at his words, surprise taking all over your features.

“Y-You don’t?” You asked with a hint of confusion in your tone as well. He licked his lips as his throat closed up on him, but he gulped it down so that he could keep talking. You were just too beautiful right now, looking up at him with those eyes that he adored. 

“I did mean what I said yesterday.” He says and you tilt your head at that, trying to remember everything that was said at the bar, or when you walked your way to it with him, and he smiled at you, pulling his hand off your face, grabbing the mug out of your hands and placing it on the counter next to his. Your eyebrows knitted together at that, looking at the cup leaving your grasp.

“Why—” You began to ask, but when you looked back up at him, your mouth immediately closed, seeing the serious face he had on. It made your heart jump slightly as well as your stomach, not knowing how his smile turned into this serious look. His hand raised to pinch on the side of your shirt with his fingers and tugged you in front of him, almost making you stumble at the sudden jerk. He then pressed that same hand on your waist, firmly, while the other raised up to gently hold your cheek to make you look up at him.

“You have no idea for how long I’ve wanted last night to happen.” He says while looking down at you, his eyes searching for yours as a gasp was caught in your throat, your body heating up at his words and your head was about to look down, but he held you in place, shaking his head at you. “No, keep looking at me.” 

“B-But I didn’t do— I didn’t do anything—” He shook his head again, your eyes trying to avoid his as you talked, now your chest thumping wildly, blood pumping everywhere in your body at a very accelerated pace, and you didn’t notice how your voice was trembling and how you were slowly beginning to shake in his grasp.

“I need you to calm down baby… It’s really just me.” He gave small circles on your cheek, which made your eyes look back at him, your mind going blank. He wanted last night to happen? He wanted to sleep with you? Many questions were going through your mind but only one was voiced out.

“We had sex.” His eyebrows raised up in surprise, a smile appearing on his lips, dimples showing off, but you were still completely bewildered as you blinked at him, your mind just trying to work overtime now for you. “You-You saw me naked, I saw you naked—” 

“Pretty necessary for having sex Angel.” He says with a laugh this time, and that only made your brain simply burn off, steam coming off the top of your head. You gulped as his laughter slowly tuned down, the turning in your belly and the doubt in your mind now cooperating to formulate another question.

“Why— Why with me?” You managed to ask, and that made Eddie’s laugh completely turn off, only for you to continue. “I-I’m just… not—” And he knew who you were comparing yourself to. The clients in the club stood no chance against you, they really didn’t, but you didn’t believe that. He weighed his options, and he decided it would be better to show you.

“You’re not what?” His hand left your cheek to mimic his other one, pressing on your waist, now firmer than before, and he pulled your body flush into his, and your eyes widened up at him. He leaned down close to your ear, his breath hitting your skin, sending shivers down your spine as the fire in your belly ignited once more. “Feel what you do to me by just standing in your kitchen in an oversized white shirt.” 

Against your belly was the same hardness you felt yesterday night on your hip. The one you felt rubbing itself against your center. The one you felt against your thigh when he climbed over towards you. And now, you didn’t have the dress on, your makeup was smudged and you cleaned it up with your fingers as much as you could, you probably smell like sweat… and he still wants you.

He couldn’t help himself, being close to your ear, to your skin, and his mouth instantly pressed a gentle kiss under your earlobe, a gasp coming out of your lips as the touch left your skin burning. You should ask him, you should talk to him, stop and try to think for a second, but that was the problem right now, you didn’t want to, and it seems that he didn’t either. 

His kiss trailed down towards your neck, soft lips pressing against your pulse point, and your hands raised up shakily to hold onto his biceps, fingernails digging into his skin, and his own digits dug into your waist, trying to have a cable back to earth, but his self control was slipping away again the more he took your scent in, the more he tasted you again on his lips. 

More. More. More.

Now that chant was on repeat in his mind as well, at the same time it was happening in yours. He was repeating your actions from yesterday, letting himself go, his mouth doing the work for him, not a single thought running in his head except for the need to hold you again, just running his lips on your skin again.

“I really mean it…” He mumbled in your neck, more kisses being left there as he kissed his way from one side to the other, making your head turn with soft breaths escaping your mouth which was making his brain simply scramble into nothing. “You have no idea for how long I’ve wanted you.” 

His voice was low, and your belly was burning with need again, your hands slowly trailing over his biceps to rest one hand on his shoulder, the other around his neck, pulling him into you, making his kisses turn hungrier, not being able to hold it and sucking on your skin to mark you, to leave you the reminder that this happened between you both, for you to look at it at every hour today, and tomorrow, and he wishes that by the end of today he would be able to retrace his mark again and again, not letting it fade at all, even if weeks went by. 

“Eds—” You softly mumble as a moan escapes your lips, your eyes half lidded as you bathe in his attention. You heard a soft groan against your skin, only for the warmth that was there to simply vanish as he pulled away from you. Before you could complain, before you could ask, before the gears in your brain could start working again, his lips found yours, making your nails grip onto his shoulder even tighter.

He was hungry, and it wasn’t for the pancakes, and he made it known by how he instantly started moving his lips against yours, rough, yet with deepness, with care, swallowing your breaths into his mouth, taking everything he could from you. You didn’t even had time to process what was happening, except for your desire to start talking for you as well, and your brain was simply processing the words ‘Fuck it’.

You started returning his kiss in the same manner, the hand on his neck going to his nape to pull him even deeper into you, your other hand sliding off his shoulder to rub against his bicep and he groaned into you, your touch making his gut turn in excitement, in nervousness, in need, just by you scratching your nails on his skin, not even on an erogenous zone. He sort of cursed you in his head for the way you made him feel like putty in just two seconds and with just one touch.

He ran his tongue over your bottom lip, and your mouth instantly invited him in, a moan of yours escaping into his as his tongue pressed against yours. You felt him even harder against your belly, making the heat in your center reappear at an alarming rate, almost too hot for you to handle. Now that you knew what he could do to you, this burning was even worse than before. It was much, much worse, but you didn’t hate it, you didn’t dislike it and you didn’t want to push it away.

His hands finally moved from your waist, and you gasped into the kiss as you felt his fingertips gliding underneath the hem of your shirt, pulling it up as he finally pressed his hand against your bare back, flushing you into him, and you shivered at how big his palm was against you, how hot it felt, but another gasp escaped you when you felt his other hand cup the round of one of your cheeks, now pressing you against his bottom half even harder.

He moaned in his throat and you melted at the sound, your tongue still dancing with his as his hands pressed against you, rubbed, groped, simply felt as if wanting to remember every part of your skin and body, on how your skin was soft yet warm under his palms. Your minds were filled with one another, not wanting to separate at all, and he needed you again, screw the pancakes, he can eat those later, right after he has you.

He had to guide you to your bedroom, you need to know how much he wants you still, how much he will want you after, and the days to come, and he is certain he is not going to ever get tired of you, not when you taste like this, when you feel like this, when you burn like this. 

He pushed himself off the counter, ready to begin to guide you back to where you both woke up minutes ago. You were going to let him, your belly turning anxiously as you let yourself wanting him again, and maybe this time you can try to make him feel good too. You want to really make him feel good, just like he did yesterday and the other night. You were eager to learn what he liked, eager to hear him moan because of what you do to him, and you never in your life thought you would be eager to do something like that before.

The music of Master of Puppets suddenly filled the room and your eyes opened like plates.

You two pulled away, brows furrowed together as you both looked around to where it was coming from. Eddie finally spotted his jacket on the floor, just where he left it yesterday and he cursed under his breath. He had to let you go to actually answer the phone. 

“Hang on sweetheart.” He gave you a small peck on the lips before letting go of your body, and you just stood there, frozen as you felt the cold hitting your skin again. What happened? How did you go from making pancakes to almost having sex with him once more? How did that happen in such a short lapse of time?

He grabbed his jacket from the floor, grimacing slightly at it because he just left a wet patch on the floor, not letting it dry properly so it was still kind of wet in some folds. He dug into his pocket for his phone, pulling it out to look at the caller ID. He blinked a few times at it and when he didn’t answer is when you turned your head to look at him.

“Eds…?” You called him out, almost breathlessly and he turned to look at you with a small smile on his face.

“I have to get this Angel, I’ll be back.” You watched him put the jacket on the counter to then go back into your room, closing the door behind him. Your breath finally left your lungs, the burning calming down slightly, but not quite. You gulped heavily as you licked your lips, and you knew they were red and plump from the kissing you just did. You couldn’t help but feel… Happy. That’s how you felt, a small smile appearing on your lips.

You didn’t mind your mind shutting off when it came to him, you really didn’t. But the uneasiness of not knowing what all of this meant came back, but not because he was not clarifying it with you. It was because you weren’t being clear with yourself. What did this all mean? Why were you like this? Was this really how simple attraction felt like?

Your ear picked up movement in your room, and you really didn’t want to eavesdrop, but you really couldn’t help yourself, and it only took two steps for you to listen to Eddie’s low voice through the door. Even when he wanted to speak in whispers he was loud.

“Yeah, I heard you… I forgot about today, but I can— Yeah…— Okay, see you later then–.” 

You blinked at those words, brows knitting together in confusion. Who was he talking to? You heard more shuffling and you panicked, not wanting him to know you were listening to his conversation and you went back towards the pancakes, now cold and you pretended to prepare a plate for you to put one on when you heard the door open. Your blood pumped in your veins in a wildly manner as you turned to see Eddie with his turtleneck on, boots thumping on your floor as he mumbled curses under his breath. 

“Are you alright?” It was the first question that popped in your head, because he didn’t look happy at all, and seeing him in his clothes again made your mood instantly drop, realizing that he was leaving. 

“Yeah– Um… I have to go… Steve needs me to take him somewhere– Kind of forgot about it.” He says to you with a small smile to his face, almost forced and you stood still in your place, not really knowing what to do. He saw your hesitation, so he took the steps between the both of you, his hands cupping your face, leaning down to place a soft peck on your lips. Your breath hit his face as he pulled away, but lingered over your lips, and you couldn’t help but voice out the first question that came to mind.

“You really have to go?” And Eddie wanted to die right then and there. You didn’t want him to leave, but fuck, he had to go. His knees almost buckled at your voice yet, he nodded with a saddened look on his face.

“Yeah… But we’ll talk later okay? We really do need to talk… Right Angel?” Your eyes locked with his at those words, and your face flushed in a way that wasn’t because of embarrassment, but just pure adoration. You nodded, almost dumbly at his words, making a smile appear on his lips. He gave you a peck on your lips again, not really wanting to go without his dose and he has to quickly pull away before he gets distracted with you once again. 

He pulled away from you and you felt your body completely warm now, not even cold, not even if he pulled away from you. He grabbed onto his jacket with one hand and walked towards the door, opening it to then look towards the counter. He rushed back to grab onto two full pancakes, shoving them in his mouth, the rest still sticking out, making your eyes go wide, afraid he’ll choke.

“Eddie!” He smiled at you with the pancakes between his teeth, winking at you before doing a little jog out of the door, closing it behind him, finally leaving you alone in your home. 

Your hands immediately went towards your mouth, covering it to contain your screams, afraid that he was still out there. You were feeling so many things at one single moment. Nervousness, fear, happiness, indecisiveness, embarrassment, delight, and arousal. All of that was happening in one single moment which was making your heart rate pick up even more than before.

You were going to have a stroke by the end of the day, you knew that. And he wants to talk. What does he want to talk about? What are you supposed to talk about? What are you supposed to say? To feel? How do you even start the conversation with him? What is going to be your new normal? What did you want it to be?

You absentmindedly grabbed onto one pancake and took a bite out of it, only to spit it out onto the plate in disgust. 

It was the burnt one.

He hasn’t spoken to you all day, and that made you anxious. It’s already 7 PM, and it’s his day off, so he should be available, right? You could message him, but what do you even want to say? Hi? How are you? How was your day?

There is no way you could be normal with this, you can’t act normal, not when you had to actually clean your room after yesterday’s night. Not when you discovered the ball of paper on the night table that wasn’t yours, only to open it up and find the used condom inside, and that made your memories just hit you like a car at great speed, almost knocking you over.

How can you act normal after that?

Your phone started ringing, the ringtone of The Shire started going off and your heart leaped, and you rushed from your room towards your kitchen where the noise was coming from, grabbing it from the counter, only for your face to frown into a disappointed one seeing it was Robin. That made you feel a little bit guilty, but you couldn’t help yourself. Not when you’ve been waiting all these hours for him to talk to you again. You slid the button to answer her, her face coming up on the screen, a big smile on her lips.

“Hi Rob–”

“SHE SAID YES!” That startled you, completely, almost throwing the phone to the floor. You blinked a few times as you regained the posture, as Robin’s blabbering kept going on the phone and you raised a hand towards your camera to stop her.

“Robs, Robs– I don’t understand a word you’re saying, where are you?” You frowned at seeing her on what appeared to be the mall, just walking while talking to you.

“Vickie said yes to my date!” She says excitedly and your chest warms up with joy, a smile spreads on your lips as you start bouncing in your place, and she mimics you, both of you looking completely dumb but you didn't care, nor did she.

"Holy shit!" You yell with her as you spin in your place and she laughs, a vibrant blush on her cheeks as she looks at you.

"I know!" She yells again and probably caught the attention of many people that were walking near her and you hear her say a small 'sorry' to someone, making you giggle.

"How did it happen?" You asked her, going to sit on your couch, excitement clear in your voice. She was still with a smile on her face, almost crazy looking, making you laugh at her face.

"She called me to ask me about something; I really don't even remember what it was, I think it was something about a recipe? Anyways, at the end of it I just– She just looked too pretty, you have no idea, and I blurted it out." You covered your mouth with your hand as shock washed over you. You never really imagined Robin to be straightforward, but it seems she bursted at the seams.

"Wow Robin… Why are you in the mall? When is it? Where are you both going?" The questions blurted out of your mouth like a machine gun, making Robin blush even more.

"We are going to the movies tonight, and I am getting something different than what I always wear, because I realized all my clothes look the fucking same, and maybe– Do I get her some roses? Chocolates? I’ve never been on a formal date, I don’t know how this works, I am losing my mind–”

“Robin, Jesus calm down, I bet that Vickie doesn’t care, she already said yes to a date, knowing it wasn’t a friendly outing.” You tell her and she seemed to calm down with that, giving you a soft nod as if in understanding.

“You are right… God, I just– I just like her so much…” You can see Robin’s dreamy eyes as she enters one of the stores, scanning all of the clothes that might be there, but your mind starts to wander. Robin didn’t know anything, not even that you kissed Eddie. Maybe she did because she’s friends with Steve, but she never really said anything about it… But–

“Robs?” You call out to her, heart thumping in your ears as you let your words come out of your mouth.

“Yeah?” She was still looking above the camera, and you could hear the hangers simply moving from side to side as she browsed. You cleared your throat and licked your lips, stammering a bit in your words as you tried to word your thoughts without giving yourself away.

“How do you even know it is not a simple attraction? What you feel for Vickie.” You say to her, biting on your tongue almost as the nerves in your belly started spiraling as she looked quizzically down at the phone.

“What?”

“I never experienced it, so– I mean, liking someone is simply being attracted to them, right?” 

“Oh honey, no.” You sat frozen at that, blinking at the phone, your whole body just completely still on your couch as you processed her words. What? When you didn’t answer, she continued talking. “You start with attraction, then it develops into something else.”

Your heart picked up a pace again, and the hand holding the phone was growing quite the sweat. What did she mean by that? Why does it feel like she is saying something that you needed to hear? Why does it feel like she is caging you? 

“And how do you even know that?” You manage to ask, and your mind for some reason is afraid of the answer. Afraid to finally come to terms with something you thought it was going to be impossible for you. 

“Well, you are still attracted to them, but… You want to know about them, wake up with them by your side… I don’t know, I guess– When you are with them, and you can laugh afterwards, but still want them later on… You just want— More.”

Your eyes widened as plates at that, heart finally coming to a stop.

More. More. More.

“Oh god…” You let those words come out as a soft breath, Robin not really hearing you, too busy finding a shirt for her date, while you were having a complete breakdown on this discovery of yours. You found the word for your feelings. The word that scares you even at the deep of your gut. The word that you don’t even know if it’s reciprocated, and you are scared to even know if it is.

And now you came to realize that it’s not recent. It’s not something that happened after the first kiss even. Even when he hugged you, you always wanted more. When he held your hand, you always wanted more. When he laughed with you and you didn’t want it to ever stop, you just wanted more. It was never enough, it could never be enough, not when it came to him. You were screwed.

You fell for Eddie. Deeply. 

Your body trembled with realization, with desperation to have him back with you because now that you know what name to put on your feelings, you just felt this incredible need of having him, shower him with affection, not even be nervous around him, you just needed to hold him again, kiss him again, touch him again, spend time with him again. 

You were nervous, anxious even, but there was still hope in your heart, hope that he feels the same for you, hope that he wants you more than just friendship. He wants to talk to you about what happened yesterday, he wants to talk it out and now you know where you are headed. Now you know how to start the conversation. Now you know what to tell him. 

“Hey, you there?” You hear Robin, making you snap completely out of your thoughts, blinking rapidly at the screen. Your friend had a small smirk on her lips, or you thought she had it, because it fell down as soon as you looked at the camera.

“Y-Yeah, I just– I remembered I have to um… get some ingredients for today’s dinner. I have nothing in my fridge.” You manage to blurt out the lie, but in your head you were already making plans, not being able to hold your words back, knowing where to go now.

“Oh, then if it’s that… Go to the grocery store… I’ll tell you everything after my date, okay?” Robin had a knowing smile on her face as she spoke to you and you really wanted to question her if she knew, but it was going to be a conversation that would take too long and you needed to run out of your apartment right at this very second.

“Yeah! I hope everything goes well Robs!” You say quickly, kind of feeling guilty for squashing over your friend’s success but it seems as if Robin didn’t really mind it, waving at you.

“Hopefully! Talk to you later!” And you said a soft ‘bye’ and hung up the call. You blinked a few times at the phone. Should you call him? Tell him– No, he has his day off. Your legs started working again as your breathing became erratic with emotion, with excitement, never in your life feeling this way before.

You finally know what everyone meant when they talked about crushes, and love. You never felt that excitement, never felt that interest, never really believed they were telling you the truth about it, but now you know it is, because your heart was exploding but in such a good way, in a perfect way that only Eddie managed to do. 

Your feet took you to your room to throw on a pair of jeans, changing from your pajama pants, and then a random shirt, changing it from your oversized shirt that you were still wearing since the morning because it still held Eddie’s scent. His perfume stuck to the collar of the fabric and you whimpered when you took it off, but you had to be quick. You almost fell on your ass when you wiggled yourself forcefully into your sneakers.

You didn’t even grab your purse, just your phone and your car and house keys. You never ran so fast out of the complex and towards your car, with a smile plastered on your face all the while. When you sat yourself in front of the steering wheel, you couldn’t even believe what you were doing, what your feet were taking you, but you couldn’t hold it in anymore, just like last night.

Last night you finally exploded, wanting to finally feel him entirely, and the fact that you want, NEED more, is a sign that you have to talk it out, say that to him, say that you want more, be honest and let yourself go. Your keys got into the ignition hole, and you took a deep breath as you started your journey into the streets, your heart in your throat pumping quicker as you approached your destination.

You were probably insane, you were probably going to make a scene, and you didn’t even know how to word anything of what you were feeling properly, but you were sure you were going to say everything to him. You knew you had to. No matter how it comes out of your mouth, no matter what you have to do to get your words through, you will try and you will tell him that you like him, that you are falling for him, that you might even already have fallen to the deep end.

You parked right in front of his complex, and an old man was opening the main door to the lobby, making you rip yourself from the seatbelt and bolting out of your car, pressing the lock button over your shoulder as you reached the door, holding it open for the old man who thanked you as you anxiously waited for him to go through. Once he did, you ran towards the elevators, pressing the buttons desperately.

You looked at the numbers going down and you were chanting ‘come on, come on’ under your breath. Once the metal doors opened, you ran inside, quickly pressing his apartment’s button, almost to the point of breaking it. The door closed and you took many deep breaths in, but a smile was on your face as your ears rang from the excitement. You weren’t even thinking of the possibility of rejection, you just wanted this feeling to be known, for him to know, for him to understand.

The doors opened and you took a slow step out as you stared at his apartment door. Was this the right decision? Right now? Not even messaging him to tell him you were coming over? He had errands to run today, what if he is not home yet? But the light underneath the door frame told you otherwise, sparking your excitement once again. You walked towards the door, and took one last deep breath in. This was it.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

You waited, deep breaths coming out of your lips as you waited, rocking on the balls of your feet, back and forth, and that’s when you heard shuffling on the other side of the door, a sniffle, slippers sliding against the wooden floor, and a click of the lock was heard. When it opened, you found a very sick Steve Harrington in front of you, red nose and all, hair all over the place, his blue robe on his body and your eyes widened at the sight.

“Shit, Steve, are you okay?” You ask him and he was almost wobbly, greeting you with your name and nodding. He actually took so many tylenol and dayquil that his mind was just trying to survive at this point.

“Yeah, peachy, never felt greater in my life…” You winced at his sarcasm and he sniffled holding himself with his hand on the doorframe, his eyes completely droopy from the mucus that was on his sinus. “What brings you here, sweetness?” You straightened up again at his question, but you tilted your head in question this time, remembering that Eddie told you he had to take Steve somewhere… maybe the hospital?

“Oh, I just— I came to see Eddie.” Steve scoffed at that, and sniffled again.

“He is not here.” He says and you tilt your head in confusion again. Maybe he went to grab something to eat?

“Oh, I just assumed it’s his day off so…” You mentioned to him, and you were hoping you would get the information out of his mouth, a mouth that at this moment had no filter, and no rationality or perception.

“He must be with a client.” He says and you just blink up at him, and your mind for some reason was telling you that you should leave, that you should not hear any longer, that you have to run from there, but your feet never moved.

“A client?” You choke out, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible and Steve wobbles a bit, trying to focus on your face, but failing to do so. He waved his hand around as he explained himself.

“Yeah, his second job. He did tell you about it right?”

“The job… that…”

“Private meetings with clients. Mainly sex really.” 

Your heart dropped at that, falling right into your stomach. You were staring at Steve as if he had just stabbed you with a sword, just impaling you without any kind of mercy, and the gears in your mind started working, but instead of moving forward, they went backwards. Your hands were starting to tremble, not wanting to believe what Steve was saying.

“That– Today?” You choke out, holding a sob in your throat as your knees start to give up on you. This couldn’t be happening, not right after the best night of your life, not after realizing what you felt for him, not after he said those things to you.

“Yeah, I mean, sometimes we do it for money, sometimes just for pleasure, so that’s why I don’t know when he’ll be back.” He blurts out and that’s when your world stopped.

He lied. He lied to you. He said he was going with Steve today, but Steve is too sick to even move… The call– The words you heard– You wanted to vomit, nausea washing over your stomach as the puzzle came together in your head, slowly, and when it finally clicked, when it all clicked.

And your eyes couldn’t look at Steve’s face any longer.

“O-Oh, y-yeah, he told me, I must have forgotten…” Your voice was small, your body shaking as your gaze couldn’t handle Steve’s neck, nor his chest, nor his legs, until you were entirely looking at the floor. Your body was shaking almost, and you had to run away. You had to leave. You were suffocating. You needed air.

“Do you want me to–” You didn’t even let him finish his sentence, taking a step back from him as his cologne invaded your sense of smell.

“No. He– He will make fun of my… poor memory… Um… Don’t tell him I came here, I’ll… just message him later.” Your voice became smaller and smaller at each word that came out of your lips, and Steve, poor Steve, was so out of it that he didn’t notice anything wrong. 

“Okay, see you later Sweetness.” Your body almost gagged and jerked forward at the nickname, but you stayed put, still looking at the floor. Your mind was shutting down, you needed to leave.

“B-Bye.” You couldn’t even say his name as you turned around, walking back towards the elevator and pressing the button to go down, hearing the door closing before your metal doors shut together. Your eyes were still on the floor, not daring to look up as you tried, you really tried to make those last words disappear from your brain, but they were on repeat, and your body was numb.

You felt numb, automatic, going towards your car, and you don’t even remember starting it, you don’t remember how you even got to your complex, you don’t remember if you locked your car or not as you entered your apartment, your lost gaze just not centering on anything. You threw the keys on the counter, just simply dropping them somewhere as your feet slowly took you towards the bathroom. 

He has a second job. He has a sex working job. And he has had it even before he met you, and he never quit it, and Steve said that he does it for pleasure sometimes. Was this one of the times? Right after last night with you? Maybe there was a mistake? Maybe that’s not what Eddie’s doing? 

But he wasn’t home, and the fact was that he still has that job. He still does it because Steve said it as if it were a frequent thing. How many times have you messaged him or talked to him while he was with a client? Did he go to them after kissing you? Touching you? Sleeping with you? Were you not good? Were you not enough? Were you simple? Were you too complicated? 

You took a deep breath in, trying to calm your heart, feeling it ripping at your chest, urging to come out of your body, to cry out, to yell into the sky and mourn. Your guts were twisting painfully, and you held your stomach just in case you had to turn around to empty your stomach out, because your world was spiraling all around you and it was making you dizzy. 

Why didn’t he ever tell you about this job? Why wasn’t he honest with you from the very beginning? Maybe if he did you wouldn’t have fallen for him. Maybe if he did you would have been more cautious. Maybe if he did you wouldn’t feel like this, this sick, this dizzy, this broken. Why would he hide it from you? 

You looked at your hands and saw that they were shaking at a very quick pace and you knew you were on the brink of a nervous breakdown, you could feel it. You held your chest as you tried to take deep breaths in and out again, trying to calm yourself down, trying to make everything make sense once again, trying to find a reasonable reason for everything, if there was any.

You turned to look at the sink, turning the faucet on and hunching downwards to finally wash your face, trying to make the cold water make you snap out of how bad your head was starting to hurt, how your throat felt like it was closing up at an alarming rate, and your oxygen felt like it was starting to run short. Your lungs were compressed inside your chest, making it slightly painful but nothing hurt more than your heart.

You straightened up with a heavy breath, a long pained huff, shakiness evident as you gripped onto the sink and finally, your eyes looked at your reflection. Every movement in your body stopped. Every tremble, every thought, every blood cell going through your veins, just everything froze as you stared at yourself… And the gears in your head started going backwards, even further, deeper, darker.

He lied to you. He lied to you. He lied to you. 

You were never good enough, you were never going to compare, and somehow you always knew that, yet… He made you feel beautiful, confident in your clothes, confident in your makeup, confident in the way you spoke, in the way you expressed yourself, in the way you moved. He helped you. He helped you. Helped you.

HE SHAPED YOU.

“No…” You tried telling yourself as your body started rocking back and forth, not wanting to listen to your own brain, not wanting to hear the horrible things that it was saying about him because you were certain that he wasn’t evil. He wouldn’t do that to you, he wouldn’t do it, he didn’t seem capable of doing that. There was no evidence of him planning something like that.

But… He did say he always wanted to have you ‘like this’. Did he mean under him? Did he mean sexually? Did he mean… as if you were a conquest? A prize? You shook your head again, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t possibly be, not your Eddie, not your sweet and patient Eddie. Not the Eddie that made you feel like heaven yesterday, not the Eddie that made your life happier than it ever did before. 

Yet, if he did go to that appointment with a private client today, did it mean he wanted to be with someone experienced? That he wanted to be with someone that knows what they’re doing? Someone prettier? Someone that actually makes him feel good? Someone that knows how to actually do that without asking? A regular? 

HE GOT YOU. HE’S DONE.

No. No. No. It isn’t like that, it wasn’t a one time thing. It was never a one time thing. It shouldn’t have been a one time thing, you weren’t going to let your brain stain every memory you had of him, because in the end he was a great friend. A great friend who lied to you, a great friend that shaped you into what he liked, a great friend that you fell for.

You were trying to deny it, you were trying really hard, you can still talk to him, you can still ask him if it were true, but you knew it was, you knew that he was fucking other people, you knew that you weren’t special, you knew he didn’t feel the same as you did. Your mind was hazy now, dark patches blocking your eyesight as you felt the all too well burning sensation in them. 

Your breathing started coming out of your mouth in huge gasps as you rocked back and forth, still looking at your reflection, looking at who you were now, looking at how different you are from before, looking at what you thought was what you actually wanted to look like… But what if it was never that? What if it was a plan all along? What if he saw it as a challenge? What if you were a challenge and he just wanted you perfect to his taste? This wasn’t you. This wasn’t you. This isn’t you.

HE MOLDED YOU.

A rough groan ripped from your throat as you pushed yourself away from the sink, tumbling out of the bathroom and rushing towards your kitchen, almost breaking a drawer out as you took your plastic bags out, your breathing heavy, angry, chest puffing out and down again, pain rushing all over your body like a sharp electric sting, hurting every place, every joint, every organ. Your feet ran towards your room as you looked all around, your eyes red from burning, your mind now in a dark cloud full of thunder. 

You opened a plastic bag and rushed towards your vanity, putting your hand on the desk to start dragging every makeup product you bought for the past two months, grunts and pained whines escaping your throat as you pushed every mascara, lipstick, blush down into the bag.

You opened the drawers of it, now grabbing onto every piece of accessory you got, every little summer scarf he told you that looked good on you, every single thing he complimented you in was going into the bag. You can’t use that, you never used that, you didn’t know how to use any of this, so why keep lying, why keep being someone you are not for the sake of someone else?

You angrily pushed yourself off the vanity, making it rock back and forth and you stared now at your closet. You immediately grabbed another bag and you rushed towards it, flinging it open in a desperate move, getting hold of all the shirts he told you would look good in. All the jeans he helped you buy. All the sweaters he told you will look good on you in the winter.

Your tears were now running down your eyes as you threw each article of clothing into the bag, leaving behind your old stuff, your old shirts, your old jeans, your old pants, who you truly were, where you truly belonged. Secure, safe, and comfortable. You then flung the other side of the closet and your eyes widened when you saw all the jackets you never thought of buying before.

Everything was being taken off the hanger and thrown into a new bag, everything had to go, everything that reminded you of him had to go. Everything that smelled remotely like him, anything that held a memory of him had to go. All the skirts, one by one were being thrown into the bag, the shorts as well, and then the dresses. Things you never wore before in your life, the only time being your prom night. 

You started ripping them out of your closet, throwing them all into a new bag, until you finally held onto one garment. A very specific one. You looked at it as you were about to throw it in, the purple color catching your eye as you straightened up to hold onto it with both of your hands. Tears came down your cheeks as you stared at the purple dress in your grasp.

Your first ever article of new clothing. The first time he complimented you. The first time he twirled you. The first time he took you in. The first time you felt confident in something you never wore before… And it was all fake. Everything was fake. He saw you as a hard conquest, and he got you, and even shaped you into what he wanted, making you desirable for him. 

You sobbed harshly as you let your emotions finally rip from your chest, as you came down from your anger, from your thunder and all that was left was heavy rain. All that’s left is this pain in your chest of your first time feeling something you never thought you would feel, only to be ripped away seconds later. All that’s left… it’s this purple dress.

And you will still throw it into the bag.

End of part 7

A/N: I know it isn't as long as last one or the ones before, but next one is the last chapter, so... I hope I didn't hurt you all too much with this.

I hope you liked this chapter and always reblog your artists!

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lionesses x teen!reader

lucy bronze x teen!reader

summary: lionesses x teen!reader, where r struggles with social anxiety and her older teammates support her.

(this was a request, but the request disappeared. but here it is!)

warnings: social anxiety, angst, nightmare, fluff and mentions of panic attack, please remind me if there is more tw! (do not read if you get triggered)

word count: 2826

i hope you like this one, i loved the request and i got really satisfied with the oneshot!

hope you enjoy!

——————————————————————————

You zoned out again, probably for the dozen time this week. It is England camp and you know what that means, I love all my england teammates trust me. They are like my family but I have a secret no one knows about, not even my teammates at Arsenal.

I have social anxiety, i feel very ashamed by it. It is so embarrassing that I need to take medications to function, and even when I take them I don't feel like myself.

It was day 2 of england camp. Which means we arrived yesterday. I am roomies with Lucy this camp because Jordan is with her lover (Leah). I love rooming with Lucy, she is like a mother to me. She is very protective but I try keeping my diagnosis a secret from her. Sometimes I even call her mom.

I am 17 now and when i first got called up to the national team I was 15 so the whole team, especially the older girls and Lucy are very protective over me and they helped me when i struggled with panic attacks during my first call ups and my debut for England.

8:00 clock

The alarm went off on Lucy's phone, I did not sleep very well. I had an awful nightmare in the middle of the night, that is all i think about now. I am just so scared that people will judge me for what i say. After conversations with the team last night I regret what i said, you did not say something bad. But you just feel being judged. The most awful feeling in the world.

My mom turned off the alarm and turned to me, I probably looked awful because I slept like shit. "Oh y/nn, are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes, just did not sleep very well" I said back. I started walking towards the bathroom exhaustively when she came up behind me and gave me a hug. "You know we are here for you right", she said. I just hugged her back saying "I know mom, i love you" and walked in the bathroom locking the door getting ready.

When I was done I unlocked the door and asked Lucy if she was ready to go down for breakfast. You see, we have two bathrooms. So each one of us has their private bathroom. I totally love it.

When we open our door Jordan and Leah stood there already waiting for us, they have the room beside us and we always walk down for breakfast together.

I have never been so scared before but after my nightmare last night I am really scared now, the only one who knows I have social anxiety is my manager at Arsenal, Jonas Eidevall and my manager at the national team, Sarina Wiegman.

It's an obligation for them to know because mental health is very important and because I take medications everyday. That reminds me, I forgot to take it this morning. Shit.

When we walked into the dining room I was sweating and nervous as crazy. I was shaking non stop and couldn't wait for my breakfast so I could sit down alone in peace. Just thinking.

After getting my food, I decided to eat some and oatmeal today. Because the oatmeal here is hella good.

Anyway I walked towards an empty table when I heard a familiar voice calling my name, I turned around and saw the gaffer, Sarina Wiegman.

Shit

"Y/n, could we talk outside for a minute please?". She asked me with a smile but I could tell the concerning look in her eyes when she saw me fiddling with my fingers anxiously.

"Yes, of course" I said with a shaky voice I think the whole team heard because when me and Sarina walked outside of the room I could see in the corner of my eye Lucy and the other girls watching me with questioning but worried looks.

When me and Sarina got outside she looked me in the eye and asked if something was on my mind. I said no. "Are you sure y/nn?, it is important that we know everything".

"Okay fine, I have been really struggling with nightmares and I had a panic attack a few hours before arriving to England camp yesterday" I said with a shaky voice and tears in my eyes.

"Oh honey, it is okay! Totally okay to have ups and downs, everyone here would support you, which got me asking, does anybody know about your social anxiety? And have you taken your medications today?" she asked...

I looked down in shame, no and no I told her.

"I am really sorry Sarina but it is so hard, I don't want to be judged if I tell the others, and be treated differently.

"Honey, it is very important that you open up, I really think it is time for you to open up, and I promise you that none of the girls will judge you, we all love you and want to support you! You will not get treated differently, everyone has their own struggles, do not feel embarrassed by it", she said to me sternly but very soft.

Which is one of the things I like about Sarina, a brilliant manager but first and foremost a amazing women who cares about every one of us as her kids.

Me and Sarina talked a bit more and she told me that because I have been struggling a lot with my anxiety and sleeping I will not start tomorrow, when we play against Ireland in the euro qualifier at Wembley. Which I totally understand, I need to get my shit together and open up because I hopefully think I will feel much better then. Also feel closer with my teammates, not that I am not close with them. trust me I am but recently I have been shutting down and try to isolate from the others, which they now have realised.

Sarina has some of my medications in her office, incase I forget to bring or take mine so we went to her office and I took them, with disgust. It makes me feel different, I don't like that.

"Y/n, is it not your fault you have social anxiety, okay? Trust me, you are not different, okay. Now you need to go to breakfast before training".

She then gave me a hug and I left her office. Have I told you that I love the hugs Sarina gives, it is probably one of the best hugs ever!

I walked towards the dining room again and looked at my phone and saw that I was with Sarina for almost 20 minutes, now Lucy is probably really worried.

I thought about how I am going to tell the team. I am first going to tell Lucy and some of the veterans on the team.

When I walked inside dining room some of the tables were in a middle of a conversation and did not see me, unfortunately Lucy looked up at the door the second it open.

Lucys pov

Sarina called y/n outside and I would be lying if I said I was not worried. I am sitting with the group I always sit with at England camp, Leah, Keira, Georgia, Rachel, Millie, Jordan, Mary and Beth Mead. I have been worried about y/n for a while, I sat deep in my thoughts thinking about y/n when Rach suddenly asked. "Lucy, you good? You've been sitting spaced out for a while".

"Yes I am ok, i am just a bit worried about the youngster, in other words y/nn". As much as i love her I want what's best for her and I really think she is struggling with something, she always seems scared, nervous and it gives me signs of anxiety".

"Yeah that is actually true" Leah said, "Her being on arsenal me, Beth and Jordan pretty much see y/n everyday and she seems very tense". Millie being the softie she is said "We should probably try talk to her later when she comes back".

"Good idea, I say. "but I can't stop thinking about why Sarina wanted to talk to her".

Keira leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "stop being so nervous love, we will talk to her and support y/nn no matter what".

I just kissed her on the cheek and said thank you.

We sat there eating and making small talk when I looked at the clock, y/n has been away for like 20 minutes now. I am kind of starting to get nervous now

But as I thought of her the door opened and there she walked in deep in her thoughts with a hard look on her face. She picked up her food she got earlier and wanted to sit alone, she walked past us but Jordan grabbed her wrist softly asking "You want to sit with us?, there is an empty chair beside Georgia".

Reader´s pov again

I picked up my food I left on an empty table before I was pulled out to talk with Sarina and was walking towards and empty table, but as I was walking past the table Lucy and the other girls were on I felt a hand grabbing my wrist, softly but suddenly.

it was Jordan

"You want to sit with us?, there is an empty chair beside Georgia".

The table consisted of Lucy, Leah, Keira, Georgia, Rachel, Millie the brick wall Bright, Jordan, Mary and Beth Mead.

Deciding not to be rude I said "Yeah sure", with probably the shakiest voice for the 100th times today. I walked over and sat beside Georgia

Then I felt as I was being watch, I looked every one of them in the eye and I asked if something was wrong.

Lucy for the second time today asked "Are you ok y/nn, all of us are pretty worried about you". Beth said "Yeah, the whole team are and we want to know what's been up with you?, what did Sarina want to talk to you about?.

Leah being the skipper she is, saw you felt a bit overwhelmed with all the questions, "Relax, one question at a time" she said with a soft smile on her face.

I want to open up I thought, but at the same thing I don't.. why does it have to be so hard? Am I going to get judged, I know what Sarina told me but still".

"Babe" Lucy said "What is going on in that pretty mind of yours?".

I felt tears starting to drop and my hands shaking on the table while my foot was bouncing like crazy. When I felt Georgia's hand on my shoulder pulling me in for a side hug I lost it.

"I have social anxiety, i have been diagnosed with it for a few months. Only Jonas and Sarina know. I take medications for it, Sarina know that something has been up with me so she asked me if some of you knew, if I took my meds today, which I forgot so I needed to take them with her.".....

It got quiet for a second and I thought I was going to die for a minute, but Lucy walked over and gave me a hug from behind.

"Why did you not tell us?" Keira asked,

"I am really sorry about that, I felt ashamed. Embarrassed for needing to take meds and not being a fully functional human being. I am not normal, I was afraid of getting treated differently"...

"And that you would secretly judge me" I said in a very low voice but the girls heard.

Millie said to me sternly "You are the best human being a person could ask for, we would never judge you ever. We only want to help, we had our suspicions about it because we saw the signs".

Rachel jumped also in and said "We've got your back babe, you are perfect the way you are, no need to be ashamed of a diagnosis that is not your fault.

Mary being the angel she is said "I kind of know how you feel, when I was at my lowest a few years ago it was hell. but I had the best people who helped me through it and now we want to be the people to help you!"

Gosh how I love all of them, they are so supporting and caring but I was still very scared because I have not told them about my nightmares and panic attacks yet.

Lucy or my so called mum asked because she knows me through and through "Is there something more you want to tell us"

"Yes, but please don't be mad", you said in a begging voice.

"Of course we won't me mad love" Keira said in a reassuring tone.

"The nightmares and panic attacks has come back and it is worse now than ever. I had a nightmare last night, that is why I could not sleep. And I have been heavily struggled with panic attacks and nightmare for a long time, because of my anxiety. A few hours before we travelled to England camp yesterday I had the worst panic attack ever. I got it under control eventually by myself after maybe an hour, but felt uneasy for the rest of the day"

"It is ok not to be ok, but this is serious, we all care and want to help you. It sucks that you have felt this way y/nn" Jordan said with the biggest smile, it looked sad but kind.

"I am really sorry about not telling, but I promise I will be more open but you need to understand it is very difficult for me" I said, "And I am sorry mom, it is not your fault. I know you were asleep when I had the nightmare but I could not bear myself to wake you, I felt embarrassed" I said to Lucy.

Lucy´s pov

"And I am sorry mom, it is not your fault. I know you were asleep when I had the nightmare but I could not bear myself to wake you, I felt embarrassed"

Hearing those words come out of my daughter´s mouth broke me. I tried not to let tears fall but it was impossible now. I am her biggest supporter and I always will be. I just want her to know that

"You are amazing, brilliant, caring, loving and all other kind words I could say! I love you so much my babygirl."

Reader´s pov again

"I love you to mom". I said to Lucy.

Leah said sternly to me "You need to go see a therapist, when we come back at arsenal again we will go twice a week and I will go with you then me, Beth and Jordan can switch who would go with you"

"Seriously?" I groaned.

"Yes", they all said sternly in sync.

"Okay then, but Leah, you, Beth, and Jordan don't need to go with me"

"But we want to" the three of them said gladly.

"Thank you" I said looking down...

"Come here y/nn" Georgia said pulling me in for a hug, I love Georgias hugs.

Every one of the girls gave me a bear crushing hug telling me

"We will always be here for you babe, just call or text or do anything. And we will be there in an eye blink for you! We are so glad you told us, now we just need to tell the others."

"Could we please do it later?" I asked nervously...

"Of course" Rachel said.

"When we are back at arsenal we gotta tell our arsenal teammates too" Beth said.

"I know I know..." I said.

"I will always support you kid, I love you so much and I will always do. You are literally my kid just not official. I would love to be your official mom tho, if you'd have me?" Lucy asked.

I looked at her in utterly shock, and the other girls looked at us in awe.

"Are you serious, please be serious?" I asked with my mouth hanging open.

"Of course, as I said I love you like my own family". Lucy told me with tears

I said loudly "Yes, of course I would want you to adopt me, it kind of feel like you already have tho but still omg".

I started crying again but this time happy tears, while I gave my mom a big hug the girls took a photo of us and gave us a hug.

The perfect group hug.

Little did y/n know that Sarina stood outside watching everything that just had happen, you telling the others about your struggles and Lucy confessing how she feel about you.

Sarina really felt like a proud mom now.

"I am really the best momager ever" Sarina said walking away chuckling with the most heartwarming smile on her face ever.

[thoughtsandbones]

An ex-citing surprise

Simon 'Ghost' Riley x F!MedicDoc OC (codename: Blue) 💀💙

WARNINGS: Mention of profanity, self harm scars, scars, fluff, panic attack, anxiety, medical inaccuracies and just getting the POV of our friendly neighbourhood masked menace.

Plot: Doctor Ruhari Hari Kaur (OC is South Asian ☺️) joins the 141 again, but this time as their doctor. After the betrayal of Shepherd and Graves, Task Force 141 begins their hunt on his whereabouts and locating Makarov.

PLEASE reblog and like! Hope folks are enjoying the series, I am building up characters and plots, cos I have a lot ideas and just been enjoying writing :D

Song inspo: Bleed it Out - Linkin Park, Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park

Word count: 4.3k

A/N: Flashbacks are getting messed up when I am indenting them and I am getting lots of errors when publishing the work, please bare with some mistakes and spelling issues.

I grew up with the OG MW2 game, so there are some references to the old one, so kind of a mix of both the OG and the new timeline... (Also I'm ignoring the OG Shepherd betrayal and keeping in line the one with the new timeline..)

All rights reserved to the rightful owners of Call of Duty Modern Warfare.

spelling and some grammar mistakes as I am bad at times... :/

(FYI: bold sentences... that are like this... are supposed to describe redacted data/info to the plot... ;] .. )

Please do let me know how you all are finding this fanfic! :D

PART 1, PART 2, PART 3, PART 4, PART 5, PART 6, PART 7, PART 8, PART 9, PART 10, PART 11 and PART 12

Part 13

The birds had begun chirping, greeting the new day. The sun soon started to it's daily early ascent into glorious England in June.

Pollen is going to be high, hay fever season descends upon us all. You think to yourself, grabbing your phone and adding 'hay fever szn' to your adding list of things to be on the look out for whilst being the 141's doctor... and... team member?

Try not to push it, I gotta earn that spot You scold yourself, hitting your head against the pillow underneath; a soft beating.

You had been laying awake for about 20 minutes. Checking the time on your phone, 4:34am.

Might as well get started on the day

Rolling out of bed you then start with the first task, making the bed. A good soldier keeps things neat and tidy. The next task, shower. A cold shower to awaken your nerves.

Once you had showered, gotten ready, braided your long hair first into two french braids and then tying the two together with an hair band, you then had several swigs from your flask. hydrate hydrate hydrate

It was 5:39am, you leave your room and lock your door. You make your way down the stairs at a quick pace, you were nearly at the bottom, only to see the lieutenant descending down the last few steps.

Ghost turned around has heard the quickening steps approach from behind him. It was you, donning black fatigues, green top and black combat boots.

"Mornin' Doc" He said stepping aside to let you come down the final steps

"Morning Sir" You say "How are you?" He was donning his skull balaclava again today, his eyes covered with black paint.

"Good, slept well" He said, who started to walk out of the corridor of the building.

"The medicine worked, that's nice to hear" You respond "Any drowsiness currently?" You

Ghost looks down at you as you walk beside him. It knocked him out that he felt a little cautious

"Nothin' apart from the metallic taste" He replied

You nod "Squash will help"

Ghost nods back, he holds the door open for you and lets you walk ahead, his eyes linger over your back again, the tattoo of yours catching his eye again.

Get it together he snaps

"Trainin' this mornin', 10 minute sprint, basic strength assessment and maybe a bit of sniper trainin'" He says, hoping that'll perk you up a bit.

A smirk appears on your face. "Where do I sprint?" You ask

"On track, I'll time you" He brings out a stop watch that was wrapped around a small burgundy journal. Both of you head of the track, Ghost counts you down and you set off, Ghost keeps his eye on you, your form then glances to his stop watch. As you approach he watches your stern face focused on what is in front of you.

After ten minutes, he blows a whistle and you stop. He walks over to you and hands you your flask. You take a few sips, slowly catch your breathe.

Walking over to the gym, Ghost runs through the tests he wanted you to complete. The gym was partly empty, there were a few soldiers, mainly marines who were up and training, but most of them were commanders as they nodded and saluted Ghost. Ghost nodded back. You were struck with awe of the respect and reputation he garnered, along with Captain Price too.

First assessment was chin ups, how many can you do? Ghost had said to you.

You're gonna be so weak, taking in a deep inhale, you reach for the bar and using your core and arms you pull up, exhale, you felt your arms wobble. Eyes flickering over to Ghost who just held out his stopwatch and then glared at you hanging, feeling your face going red. You try again, and only managed 3 chin ups in total. Feeling so weak, you continue with the next set of commands given out by Ghost.

Ghost watched you struggle lifting the 5kg plate over your head, your legs shaking, knees locking every now and then and arms shaking.

In his notebook he scribbled lacking core strength amongst his other critiques. A small part of him felt he was being harsh, but he knew he had to treat you fairly, like everyone else. Especially since you were going to be coming along with missions so dangerous, he had to make sure you could handle yourself.

"Alrigh' that'll do" He says and watches you bring the weight plate down gently and placing it back where it came from. He sees you take a long swig of water, some of drips down your chin and splashes on your shirt on near your breast. Ghost scans your physique, you were fit, but clearly lackin' in strength.

His eyes go back to the dark patch made by the water droplet, just above your right breast... His eyes lingered too long, when he noticed your eyes narrowing at him, he flicked his eyes back to his notebook, feeling his cheeks become warm and blood rush to his ears. Focus

Is he actually staring at my boobs You think, glaring at him. But then you notice the wet patch on your shirt. That? Or the boobs?

"You were alrigh'" He said clearing his throat "Need work on strength trainin', what exercised you normally do?"

"Running, swimming and Taekwondo" You say. "But it's been a few months since I've done swimming and Taekwondo"

"Righ'" Ghost says, vaguely remembering you doing some sort of martial arts. His memories of you were so misplaced and broken.

"I'll work out a trainin' schedule for you" He adds "We got some martial arts classes, may want to join? After this mission we'll assess sparring" He continues

"Yes sir" You say taking in his assessment of you. Dammnit, you were weak, but there's always room to improve

"Sniper practise next" Ghost says and he walks in front of your to the practise shooting range. Ghost gets a sniper rifle and ammunition and hands it to you.

You head over to a spot and set yourself up. Out of all the guns you tried and used, sniper rifles were your favourite. After setting up, Ghost presses a remote with buttons on it, targets come up and you shoot them down. When reloading, you kept your eye in the scope as you reloaded your magazine.

Very well remembered Ghost thought

Soap had entered the shooting range, he saw Ghost who turned to look at him and nodded and turned back to someone who was shooting. Soap realised it was you. He walked to Ghost and stood by him as he also watched you.

"She's good" Soap says to Ghost

"Gettin' there" Ghost replies trying not to feed into Soap's eagerness

You've ran out of ammo, the targets were shot down. You get back up taking the sniper rile and empty magazines. Checking your watch, it was nearing 8am and you had to go to the infirmary soon, after another shower and changing. And breakfast of course.

"Morning Doc" Soap says

"Morning Soap" You say "You good?"

"Aye, all dandy here" He says smiling at you giving you that same grin when he caught you staring at his naked torso. You look away

Ghost felt stuck in between you and Soap. Soap was grinning like a fox at you and you were staring wide-eyed at the sniper rifle drumming you fingers against the barrel.

"I'm going to go clean this" You say lifting the rifle briefly and walking away.

Soap chuckles and looks at you as you walk away. Ghost figured out he was still teasing.

"What you doin' here Johnny?" Ghost grumbled

"Came to see how our new team member was doin'" Soap quirked, giving Ghost a grin.

Ghost scoffed at him. He looked over and saw you sat down on the benches, cleaning the rifle, like it was something you did everyday.

Soap came closer to him.

"You tell her yet Lt?" Soap whispered.

Ghost glared back down at Soap. Did Price rope him into this now?

"C'mon Lt, you can't leave it til it's too late" Soap said giving Ghost a pat on the arm.

"It's bit complicated Johnny" Ghost said, lowering his tone

"Maybe she needs some good news after Siberia eh?" Soap whispered quickly to Ghost

Looking at Johnny and taking in what he said, he became slightly agitated.

"Take my advice Lt" Soap said finally and patted him on the shoulder and went to the weapons locker to grab a gun for his own practise shooting.

Ghost walked over to you, focused on cleaning each part of the gun thoroughly, he watched your hands use the tools, cleaning each part of the rifle carefully.

"Good effort today Doc" He said finally, you look up and smile

"Just need to work on getting better sir" You say looking back down at the barrel in your hands, polishing it with your cloth.

"I'll email over a schedule before the mission tomorrow" He said

"Thank you sir" You focus remained on the gun.

Ghost felt his right hand twitch, his arm trying to move up to his head. He fought off the urge to try and reveal himself here...

The sudden click of you sliding the barrel back brought him back to reality. He was drawn to your gaze, you look back down at the reassembled sniper rifle.

"I'll be heading back if that's good sir?" You ask

"'Course Doc" He replied and watched you get back up, sliding the sniper rifle over your shoulder, it was a motion you did so casually, you've done it before. You've been here before.

"Come by between 10-12 for your blood pressure check lieutenant" You said, trying not to sound too commanding.

"Yes Doc" He says, he gets up and looks down at you stepping back as you walk to put the rifle away. He sees Soap grin at you again as you leave.

Ghost looks back down at his notebook in his hand and opens it up scanning the list of things he noticed you lacked and needed improvement on.

Soap comes over to him after shooting a few rounds.

"What's goin' on between those gears Lt?" Soap says sitting on the bench.

Ghost backed up a bit.

"Nothin' Johnny" he grunted to which Soap gave him a look that called his bluff and scoffed.

"Yer right" Soap responded "C'mon Lt, what's the worse that can happen?" he added extending his leg to attempting to tap Ghost, but he moved away and sat on the bench opposite Soap and looked around, no one was within earshot.

Soap watched has Ghost scanned with his painted blue eyes the area around him.

"What if she goes-" He trails off and then looks directly at Soap "-gets angry? he finishes

"I doubt it Lt" Soap begins, leaning closer to him "You have yer reasons Simon, she a nice lass, she'll understand" He added smiling towards him, Soap noticed Ghost narrow his eyes and scoffed slightly.

It was the first time in a long time that someone other than Price said his name. He hung his head down briefly and then looked up.

"One can hope eh Johnny?" Ghost responded "We got stuff to do before we leave tomorrow, need to see Doc about somethin' at 11, let's get movin' then" He added getting up, Soap follows him as they leave.

Mean while in the infirmary

It was 9:30am and you sat at your desk unsure of what next to do. Reports were done so far for the team, it's not like you could have a proper in-depth review with them the day before a crucial mission.

'Hey, mind if I draw some blood to further analyse if you have any health issues which seem super trivial to you?' You mutter to yourself in a high-pitched mocking tone. As you twirl yourself around in the chair.

The was a rapid knock on your door, you stopped the spinning motion with your left food and quickly got up and opened the door.

It was Price

"Mornin' Hari" He said smiling

"Morning Captain" You say, moving away from the doorway and letting him walk in, you close the door

"How was training with lieutenant Ghost?" Price said turning back to you, watching as you take your seat and Price sits on the other side of the desk.

"Good, well- don't think I did well in the fitness assessment bit" You sigh leaning back in your chair, but then straightened up a bit, not sure how casual you could be...

"Always room for improvement" Price said chuckling leaning forward.

You sense that Price had an ulterior motive, Siberia...

"Are you here to ask about Siberia sir?" You ask, getting straight to the point, tilting your head back

"Came to ask how would you feel about going back?" Price said, also cutting to the chase. "Laswell wants us to do a recovery mission" He adds

"Shouldn't we be more concerned with tomorrow's mission Cap?" You retort

Going back huh? You wonder

Price leans back, smiling slightly.

"Of course, but you up for it?" Price asks again

"Once you and lieutenant Ghost are happy with my training, then yes." You say bluntly. You weren't going back unless you were at a competent level of being able to look after yourself in that harsh environment again.

"That's the plan" Price chuffed, his objective completed with ease.

"What time are you leaving tomorrow?" You ask "Or is that classified?" you added smirking slightly

"4am" Price said looking out the window, blue skies over base, the distant fields feeling

"Come by my office this evening at 6, we're havin' a pre-mission gathering, tea and biscuits" Price chuffed looking back at you.

"Of course sir" You nod back at him smiling.

After a brief conversation of mission details and what your job was (standby during end of mission for injuries during when they are RTB) Price left the infirmary leaving you alone again. You checked the reports on your laptop again. You click onto Ghost's report.

Much of his personal information was redacted. But you knew his age was 34, which meant he was born in 1988. You hesitated putting this information into the report. Price had told you that Ghost's identity is a secret for a reason.

You went through the other reports for Gaz, Soap and Price. Adding in your notebook things you needed to do, blood tests was one thing.

Sitting back in your chair again, you spin around, enjoying the motion tilting your head back. You stop and then go back to your laptop, after placing an order through the RAMC pharmacy for more hay fever tablets, you lean back in the chair again.

Siberia. Siberia. Your mind wonders back the frozen place.

"Get the disk and get out Blue" echos in your head again, you shake your head and run your left hand through your hair. It was still braided, bringing your right hand up, unravelling both braids, you comb your hair roughly with your hands.

There was a knock at the door, you couldn't be bothered to get up so you simply shouted 'Come in' to the person on the other side. You looked up and saw Ghost opening the door, his entire stature taking up the doorway.

"Alrigh' Doc?" He lets out, breathing heavily, almost like he ran up here.

"I'm good, you okay?" You ask curiously looking at him as you observe his chest heaving.

"Yeah, just jogged here" He said leaning on the med bed whilst you remained seated.

"You can sit back on the bed if you need a breather sir" You suggest

Ghost looks up you, trying to catch his breathe. He doesn't move, continuing to lean slightly back on the bed behind him. It was the nerves and the damn talking Soap was doing whilst they checked their equipment that got him rattled, and you. He felt his chest get tighter, he breathed in but the air didn't help, he could feel his hands tremble against the cold railing. He turned around facing away from you.

You noticed the change in his body straight away, you got up and moved closer to him.

"Lieutenant what's wrong?" You ask, you grab your stethoscope, as you get closer Ghost moves further away, grabbing the railing of the bed for support, his legs tremble. You watch carefully has be bends over, his right hand moving, clutching his chest.

"Let me just che-" You move to him grabbing his shoulder with your left hand but his right hand quickly grabs it, pulling you away from him, his hold on your arm becomes tight, you feel like he was trying to crush the bones within. You didn't wince at the pain.

"Get away" He rasps head bent down trying to control his breathing, pins and needles running up his legs. He could feel the bone beneath as he gripped your flesh.

You narrow your eyes, you stay in the same place, planting your feet on ground, unsure if he was going to swing at you...

"Do you have pain in your left arm?" You ask, his grip on your arms loosens, you pull it back, the gripping sensation tingling lingers.

"No" Ghost let out. "Jus-t- pani-c att-ack" he stifles, struggling to get the actual words out, bending further over the med bed.

You move behind, a few paces back giving him room to move.

"Get up on the bed sir" You say

"Can't legs froz'n" He spat, just then he grabbed the curtain with his left hand and tried to pull it around him, but it only moved slightly. You wanted to laugh at the attempt, but taking it as a sign that he wanted a bit of privacy, you walk over and close the curtain surrounding the bed, Ghost watches, he tilts his head to the side, there's a small gap left and you turn, your back now facing him again.

"I'm going to walk you through what to do sir" You start, standing behind the curtain.

"Okay" He rasps again watching your back from the corner of his eyes.

"Breathe in through your nose for four and hold for four" You add, loudly breathing in from your own nose, hoping he'll follow.

Ghost yanks up his mask and follows, breathing in steadily through the nose, holding for four, and then back out slowly for four. He listens as you do the same.

"Close your eyes and focus on breathing in and out for four" You say calmly, demonstrating by loudly breathing in again.

Ghost closes his eyes, and breathes in for four. He could feel his heart slow down, the pain in his chest subdue. He looks back at you, still there with your back turned, but then you walk away.

No He thought Don't leave me like this

He hears you walk around the infirmary, then the bubbling of the water cooler, and your footsteps approach. He turns, mask half up still, he felt his heart stumble. Through the gap of the curtain comes your arm, your hand holding a cup of water. He felt a warm iciness shred through him.

"Here, take slow sips" You say.

Ghost reaches out and takes the cup, moving closer to the curtain, where you stood on the other side. He takes a small sip from the cup, letting the water pass down him, whilst moving his feet slightly.

You could hear him take small sips, struggling a bit between to take calm breathes. In these situations saying things like don't worry and think happy thoughts felt useless. What personally helped was taking back control of one thing that one thing that makes us

"Need more water?" You ask through the curtain

Through the gap, Ghost's arm appeared, his bare hand holding the empty cup. You take it from him and refilling it and then head back, you put your hand through the gap, this time peaking inside.

You see Ghost standing, leaning back against the med bed. With a quick glance to his face, his fingers were rubbing against bare nose, there was a bit of black paint on his pointed and sharp nose, glancing down at the stubble lining his jaw, you spot the mole on his jugular. His eyes dart to yours and quickly pulls his mask down walking towards your outstretched left arm.

Ghost takes the cup from your grasp with his left hand, with his right he gently takes ahold of your arm. You try to retract your arm, but Ghost lightly grips the same spot, you wince slightly this time.

"I need to check you lieutenant" You slyly say looking at him, he looks back and doesn't respond, just giving you daggers with his blue eyes.

Setting the cup on the empty spot of the tray he lifts the sleeve of your white coat. He sees his red handprint on the top of your forearm, his turns your arm over, on the other side he sees white horizontal scars faintly scattered on your arm, his also sees his fingers marked in red. It'll form into a bruise he thought

Guilt was riling up in him again. He looked up at you, remaining stoic.

"It just needs some ice, not even that" You pulling your hand back to you. Ghost watches as you pull away from him, no anger coming from you, you smile slightly at him.

"You feeling okay?" You ask, face now shifting to concern.

"Alrigh'" He grumbled. He couldn't get the words out to say his was sorry. He couldn't get the words out that said sorry for grabbing you. He was at a loss when he was with you.

You pull back the curtain and you watch as Ghost sits up on the bed, taking his black sweater off, revealing a think black t-shirt. You could see the outline of his shoulder muscles and the name tags underneath the thin black layer.

"Check you blood pressure then if it's okay to check your heart and breathing?" you say motioning with to your stethoscope around your neck.

"Yeah" Ghost says as you bring the blood pressure machine next to him. As you wrap the cuff around this left arm your cold hand brushes against his skin.

Taking the reading again, 132/80.

You frown and look up at him.

"Still high then?" He asks looking at you and then at the flashing numbers

"Given you had a panic attack, there would be a spike in blood pressure" You say "But it's lower than yesterday" You add smiling at him.

Ghost watches as you get up head to your desk, writing in on a post it and then sticking it in your journal.

"I'm sorry doc" Ghost said "Abou' your arm, didn' mean to hurt you" he added looking at you as you look up.

"Don't worry, it's not broken" You say smiling. You look at Ghost and he looks back down, his shoulders hunched over

Perhaps some tea will help? You wonder

"Would you fanc-" You start, Ghost looks up at you as you begin to ask him something, but there was loud knocking on the door both of you look at the door, you roll your eyes and get off the chair.

"Just a minute" You call out looking at the door and then back at Ghost.

"I should get goin'" He said, putting his sweater on and getting up from the med bed. He looks over at you, your mouth open, as if you wanted to say something, but the person behind the door was knocking again.

"Wait one sec" You say then scrunching your face towards the door, you open the door and there stood a tall blonde haired woman wearing the same blue scrubs and white coat. Looking at the face of the woman standing in front of you your jaw dropped.

"Hey girly girl!" The woman said, slight Texan accent, brightly smiling and shaking her blonde hair that reached the edge of her jaw.

Your ex.

"What the fuck" You exclaim loudly

Ghost was surprised by the harshness in which you swore. He took a step forward to see who was at the door. A woman with blonde hair wearing the same clothes as you. His eyes met hers. She looked at him and smiled.

"Sorry, I'll come back later Ru" She said smiling at you and then at Ghost

"Dr Marie, it's Dr Kaur" You snap

"Dr Marie?!" She snorts "Jeez I'm your ex not your oncologist" She laughs

Ghost took in the words your ex...

This is her... He thinks scanning her

"Not now Peyton, I'm working" You snap back shoving her away from the door with your hands. Peyton laughs and walks away as you close the door. You lean back against the door sighing, hitting your head against the door.

"That is.." Ghost starts looking at you, crossing his arms across his chest.

"The succubus that is my ex" You say meeting your eyes with his.

He tried to suppress a snort. But ended doing snort/scoff out of his nose. He walks closer to you.

"Guessin' you didn't know she works here?" He asks only a few steps away from you now

"Knew she worked with RAMC, but didn't know it was this base" You say bitterly scrunching your nose whilst looking at Ghost.

"Hmm" Ghost said, continuing to look down at you.

You move aside and open the door slightly, allowing the lieutenant to leave. But he doesn't move. You close the door again, savouring the moment between the two of you.

"Sure it ain't broken" he says motioning towards your arm. You look back him, bringing your left arm and give him a jazz hand.

"It'll just bruise" You say "Don't worry about it" You add smiling at him.

He looks down cautiously at you. He hurt you and you are trying to be brave about it.

"Ain't lyin' to me doc?" He asks, stepping closer to you, towering over you.

You straighten up, lifting your head up curtly and tilting it to the side.

"No, but you owe me cup of tea" You say smirking testing the ground, trying to be playful with him.

"Owe you a Yorkshire Tea" He says nodding at you, Ghost heads to the door and you open it for him, watching as you smile at him. Leaving the infirmary he watches as you close the door.

Down the corridor he sees the same blonde woman, leaning against the door of your quarters. She looks at him and gets up walking up to him.

"She free now?" She asks him pointing to the door of the infirmary

"Yeah" Ghost grunts, looking down at the woman in front, she had a grin like a cheshire cat on her face.

"Wonderful" She grins, her blue eyes boring into his, he watches as she opens the door and walks in

"Oh piss off-" You moan aloud from the inside and then the door closes, Ghost walks closer to the door trying to listen in. All he could hear was muffled bickering and then some laughing. He sighed and walked away.

He walked down to his room and let himself in. Looking down at his right hand, he gripped it tightly.

How fuckin' stupid was I to grab her he scolded to himself kicking the leg of his desk as he walked to the bathroom.

But what was more interesting was the return of your ex. Ghost takes off his mask and looks at himself in the bathroom mirror, then grabs his bar of soap.

Soap'll be happy to hear about this He thinks to himself as he washes off the black paint off his eyes. Simon then dried his face, and put a bit of moisturiser on and headed to his bed where he laid down.

Looks like I have a bit of competition Simon thought to himself and then sunk his head in the pillow.

[taintmansion]

Alright so here goes a big personal mental health post…

As I’ve posted about since august, I developed a terrible anxiety induced insomnia which through finding a very helpful community online now identify as “sleep anxiety” which sort of accidentally happens to people when sometimes even one sleepless night sends them into a fight or flight mode. My brain now gets confused and thinks I should not sleep. I am often on 2-4 hours at most, often broken up and requires me to work hard to make myself relax and just wake up feeling unrested.

I’ve had ups and downs, one medication that seemed to work a while but made me feel like shit (while still working a stressful job that set this whole thing off) and then took myself off it and figured I probably need to be on an actual anxiety medication and have 2 family members on lexapro so hey, let’s ask for that. Was given that by a rando telehealth doctor because with shit insurance didn’t know where to go. Got through 2 days on it with what felt like heightened insomnia and anxiety zero appetite etc.

I stayed at my mom’s for half a week after my job took me off the schedule shortly after I gave my 2 weeks notice but told them I’ve been sick and may not make all the last shifts. That was the 2nd day of lexapro and felt I would lose my mind if I kept taking it at that point especially without a psych to follow up with. So, at my mom’s and trying a stress relief supplement, I started sleeping better and better. Went back home, had one bad night but then oddly on an air mattress slept good again.

Just as things were going so well for me, I went to a shitty dentist office i already didn’t like but wanted a tooth filled, and this dentist dropped a drill in my mouth cutting a hole under my tongue. Didn’t even know things like that happened to people! My anxiety was skyrocketed and every day since then sleep has been a struggle again. Actually I only slept decent the 2 times I’ve taken a Xanax which I got prescribed to help me get through the first few weeks lexapro because a trusted dr (gynecologist tbh) at least told me to keep trying. I signed up for better health insurance but it won’t kick in until November 1st. I’ll find an actual psychiatrist.

Anyway. After getting through a wedding out of town that was a big stressor for me, it went pretty well all things considered, I’m starting lexapro once again tomorrow morning and committing to getting through at least 2 weeks and see how it goes. Even though a top side effect is. Insomnia. 😑 This time I have the xanax to take as needed.

Just felt like typing this all out I guess because this has been the biggest mental health challenge of my life. Somehow worse than when I had panic attacks for months when I was 19. This has had me feeling beyond broken, confused, not myself, like I’ll never be ok again… totally scared and lost. So going forward all I have is meds hopefully helping me and the help of this yt channel and the guy’s book that arrives in a few days. This could be a continued struggle or it may get better soon. I’m scared and don’t know when I can work again. I only have so much funds and help but also very very blessed with my family which helps a lot. I hope I get past this and have a good 2024.

[paradisepoisoned]

always so ready to scream about meronia... 5 random headcanons for them, i beg of you

OMG YES ok it was hard what five to pick and this is gonna be long winded but fuck it I'm excited lol also I apologize in advance if this is senseless rambling I am not a very articulate person 😅

1-so I have this headcanon that Near and Mello both each have like their own little spice of PTSD or something, and they are the only ones who can kinda talk each other down in a way. I always Imagined Mello being born in Croatia during the Yugoslav wars and just living through horrendous trauma (this could be a post in itself so I'm gonna refrain because I have so many thoughts on Mello pre-wammys house but ANYWAY) and I don't really think he ever had time to process it, like he was living in a war torn country, everything he once knew, his family, everything blown apart and all of sudden he's at a prestigious secret orphanage for geniuses in England. So he kinda just buried it and didnt look back and dedicated everything to making L proud hoping that would be enough to make it go away but obviously it's not and so sometimes when he hears firecrackers or a siren or even one of Matt's videogames it fucking SENDS him and one day Near catches Mello hyperventilating in the hallway and Near shows him a breathing technique and breathes with him till he stops and Mello fucking hates him cause it works and it's something he uses the rest of his life and he thinks of Near.  Near only knows the breathing technique cause he also gets panic attacks but what gets Near the most is the nightmares. The nightmares send him into thrashing fits but the worst is the sleep paralysis. It would happen one of the first few nights when they slept together and Mello would stroke his cheek or hold his hand and talk him through it or recite a passage from a book, anything to distract him. Near never says what the nightmares are about or what he sees during sleep paralysis and Mello never pushes it.They don't know what the other went through but there is a mutual unspoken understanding and I feel like that is the closest they ever get to affection 

2-I feel like this is a really unpopular headcanon and not really accurate but idc I think Near secretly resents L. Idk why but I just like this headcanon. I picture Near to be a bit of a bitter person and I think he blames Mello's hatred for him on L though he'd never admit it  and tbh I don't think Near had any desire to become L at all I think he was apathetic towards everything at first it wasn't until Mello came along that he started feeling alive. Near never cared about being L. He cared about the game he and Mello played. I also think mellos admiration of L would just solidify Near's disdain and I would imagine they've gotten into a fight or two about the integrity of L's character. 

3-I think both would deny it but they can make each other laugh. Like genuinely laugh. I think they would fight it but every once in a while like on a full moon or some shit Near would make a snarky comment at someone or Mello would make a face behind rogers back and before they could stop themselves it would come out. They are mortified at how the others laughter makes there heart skip a beat and neither would admit to this under torture.

4-I think Mello is one of the only people who knows Near is secretly a disturbed basket case and hear me out lol. Mello is probably the closest Near has ever gotten to someone and this is already turning into a thesis so I'm not gonna get into my headcanons for Near pre wammys but ya boy has ISSUES. Like one day Mello would catch Near doing something wild like trashing A's old room (idk I have a headcanon that A and B's room stayed like mausoleums at the orphanage and it was like a ghost story) and Mello would get the blame for it cause who would fucking believe him if he said Near did it. So he gets grounded for a week and Near slips him chocolate under the door as a silent apology. 

5-Linda and Roger put together a funeral for Mello and Matt. Near did not attend. 

 I'm sorry this turned into a Ted Talk without almost any punctuation, but it feels good to scream about these two thank you loll

[panics-side-blog]

New cycle

Part:1 (??)

Small edit: decide to update the story once a month about mid-end of the month to be exact. Maybe i will sprinkle 2 chapters per month as a treat if i feel like it :)

I really really tried to not do a fanfic because I'm terrible at finishing shit i started. But damn bro i want some slow burn-ish comfort-ish fanfic where reader is autistic coded and them pulling a bad bitch (Soundwave and maybe shockwave) by being autistic.

Bc like, there are no fics i found who have an autistic coded reader?? And that's a fucking crime. Especially when their with the king of autism,Soundwave, who clearly got some sort of Cybertronian Version of it. /hj

This story is probably going to be darker. Dealing with mental health issues and unhealthy obsession(??). Maybe gonna have some smut later on but idk

I will try to not make the reader x Soundwave Stockholm syndrome-y because i want a happy consensual relationship. I still try to figure out how i will make it from here to there but, eh we will see, i have a plan just don't know how to execute it right.

I procrastinate a lot so i don't even know how far I will go. No promises!

Also like i am really insecure about my writing because i know i tend to write sloppy sentences that derail a lot but i hope you all still can enjoy it :))

reader is gender neutral ❤️ (and human)

Tw for this chapter: clear signs of mental health issues, trauma flashback, mention of puke and eating disorder (not related) Panic attack/ autistic meltdown and blacking out.

Also English is not my first language so please keep it in mind. Thank you :))

Today was the day you told yourself, "Today I will go outside," you said, yet you have been standing in front of the door of the hallway for almost two hours. Your shoes and socks feel like they have creeped into your skin, the t-shirt you wore feels itchy and heavy, and your hair that slipped into your collar makes you almost lose your mind.

The sun that shone inside your dark room was slowly going down, a slight red and pink already weaving itself into the sky. But there were still a lot of people outside; you could hear them talking even though your windows were sealed shut.

Everything around you appears to be too much: the way you can hear your own pulse in your ears; the way your bones feel inside your gross, soft, meaty body;the lingering smell of the food you cooked two days ago; and your eyes strained from the light.

You felt like crying. Yet again, you didn't go outside. Yet again, your fear  whatever imaginary threat might be waiting for you in the overstimulation of the outer world. It was just too much for you, to the point that the thought alone almost made you have a meltdown.

But you promised yourself to go outside, at least to the ice cream shop a few blocks away. You heard the ice cream they had was really good, so you wanted to take a look. It's not that far away, you think to yourself, about a 15-minute walk. But these few minutes were still too much. Hell, that you even stood in front of the hallway door was a miracle all by itself. Hot tears begin to form and roll down your cheeks. How long have you been isolating yourself now? Almost a whole year, a whole year with barely any human interaction, a whole year you almost slept through, a whole year of nothing. Just your white fall and the music coming from your headphones. Your body, with its physical needs, feels at this point more like a burden than anything else.

It's not the first time this has happened, and it makes you feel like shit. You are wasting your life in your home, which has become more of a prison, but this prison is the only thing that feels somewhat safe. A place that makes you feel in control, where nothing changes without your permission. It's the only thing that gives you a tiny bit of comfort.

" It's alright, you're doing great! Don't be so hard on yourself! "

The voice of a past friend echoed inside your brain. But even those motivating words of affirmation they always spoke out didn't help you. You still feel like a failure. You don't have a job; you live off of your guardian's money and have lost all contact with the few friends you have. You didn't finish high school due to massive stress and mental health issues. Hell, you didn't even manage to make friends after losing your older one, or even talk to your neighbor next door once. They probably think you died here. It doesn't help that you leave the dirty dishes to soak for weeks because you don't have enough energy to clean them up. So it sometimes smells like a rat died in there.

What you would rather do is sleep some more. At least your dreams give you a beautiful world full of adventures where everything is right and you do not need to fear anything. where everything is perfect and you don't have to worry about a thing. Living in a small cottage somewhere far away but still close enough to your imaginary friends. With a pretty garden and colorful birds greeting you every morning, while big,strong,warm arms are wrapped protectively around you by your dream lover. But every time you wake up, you get an ugly reminder of how grey and full of disappointment your life is.

Another hour has passed, and the ice cream shop is most likely closed now. Only the small market that is a bit further away should still be open. They too got some good snacks, but honestly, even food can't motivate you anymore. You're so aware of how it feels on your tongue and slides down your throat that just thinking about it makes you gag. The presence of it already makes you feel ill and icky. You wish you didn't have to drink or eat, but you know it's not good.

Oh, you know so much, yet you do the exact opposite of what said knowledge actually tells you.

The sun has almost vanished at this point. Most people are inside, the street lights are on, and only the sounds of the few leaves that are still on the trees can be heard. You would go out now if you weren't terribly scared of the dark. But as your brain made you imagine how the cool winter night would taste on the tip of your tongue, you couldn't resist anymore. Especially with the way the snow makes this funny, crisp noise. Your hand takes the door handle and slowly moves it down. You take your first step and the cool air already strikes your face with such an intensity you haven't felt in ages.

It made you remember those days when you were a child and you ran around for hours making snow angels.

The steps under your feet made a satisfying crunching noise, and you had to control yourself to not flap your hands around in excitement. Carefully, you close the door and lock it. You look up as you walk further down the street, not having a destination, or rather forgetting it, the gorgeous night sky making you forget your worries. How clear it was and how bright the stars shone. And not a person around to ruin this moment. The sudden feeling of long-lost childhood memories crashing into your brain caused you to make tiny bunny hops, excitedly giggling.

A flashback at this moment in time was one of the last things you wanted right now, but yet, you zoned out.

Memories flooded your mind; some were pleasant, but others quickly turned bitter as they became contaminated with other things. Everything around you is barely existent anymore. You only have in front of your eyes how you cried out as a small child, freezing, calling out for your parents but nobody answering. Sniffling, rubbing your tiny red hands together in hopes of getting warm; clothes way too thin and soaking wet because you walked over some ice that couldn't hold your weight.

You were so deep in thought you didn't hear how an aircraft came dangerously close to you or how the rumbling of a semi truck came speeding towards your frozen form.

You got ripped out of your thoughts, which also happened to your body, as something grabbed you from the sidewalk. Everything happened so fast. Your brain  trying to process whatever just happened, coming back from whatever deep dark depths it stayed in.

Your vision is too blurry due to tears that formed without your realization.

You only hear loud screeching and rumbling from an engine. A deep voice that made your very core shake called out, but you couldn't make out what it said. Your wide eyes looked up to see what was holding you.

The tears were rubbed away by the sleeves to make it clearer. You couldn't believe what you saw; a man made out of metal who had a few body parts that reminded you of a heavy and big truck. And close to them was another humanoid machine with wings. It all looked like a bad action movie.

The loud crashing noises of metal trashing against each other hurt your brain; their echo lingers way too long for comfort. How do the people from your small town not get alerted by all the noise?

You heard another strange noise near by, and then a blue, much smaller mech joined in. They jump up high, kicking whatever live form that was in front of you on the head, knocking it down. It tried to stand back up, but the blue machine gave it a brutal beat down, scratching its purple paint clean off of its chest.

But the sudden fight stopped without warning.

The bigger one who held you is running away and making this strange noise you heard earlier. Everything around you began to shake, and you blacked out for a second. You wish you could remember exactly what happened, but the way you hit metal with your head was too strong. The holes filling your memory spread like a plague, and the longer you try to think about it, the more it vanishes, like some type of maggot devouring it like it's their last meal.

But you soon come fully into your senses. As you realized your surroundings didn't look familiar, you panicked, opening your mouth trying to scream, but nothing came out.

"Ti--ou-t,"

A voice called out, but your ears were still ringing loudly due to the collision earlier.

"What?" you whisper back to whatever voice was trying to free you from your fearful frenzy. As you move nervously around trying to open the door,

"Tiny-uman-ou-ar-ight,"

You look at the steering wheel in confusion. What is happening? This can't be real! Where does the voice come from? Oh, please let this be a bad dream! I knew I should've stayed inside!! The thought of just taking this magically moving steering wheel came to mind as the pulling on the door became more intense. But, you can't drive, so your cramped up fingers didn't even dare to touch it.

"Are you okay, tiny human?"

The voice, finally now clear, was deep and smooth, like thick honey. It would have been comforting in any other scenario.

You want to ask who is there and what they are, but your body fails you. After an awkward silence, the voice spoke again.

"You are probably very confused and scared. My apologies to humans. My name is Optimus Prime, and we "

"Optimus? I-,,, are-,,,is-? truck?"

You clumsily said,

"Indeed, as I wanted to explain, we saved you from an attack by the Desepticons. My partner Arcee is still fighting off their Vehicon in order for us to escape safely. "

You just looked in disbelief at the speaking machine. At least, that's what you believe based on Optimus' reaction.

"I'm deeply sorry for this situation, but I can assure you that you are safe now and have nothing to fear. Me and my team will take you under our protection. "

" Can I-can I go home then? I'm sure whatever attacked is surely gone, right? "

You say, with a nervous smile, sweat building up on your forehead, your body all of a sudden feeling very hot.

" For whatever reason yet to be explained, the Desepticons found out where you live, and for whatever reason yet to be explained, they are fixated on you. That's why they tried to kidnap you."

"Kidnap!! No, this can't be happening. Surely you're just joking. Surely this is all just a terrific nightmare! "

You feel as if your heart has sunk to the bottom of the earth. Breathing has become more erratic.

" I'm sorry, tiny human, but it isn't. In order to insure your safety, you have to stay with us until we find another safe hideout for you. "

You just stayed silent and leaned back into the seat, still not believing what had just occurred. You looked outside; nothing but rocks and hills, going further and further away from your home. It's dark and the big sky now feels not as pretty and comforting as before. The wide and empty steppe made you feel tiny and vulnerable.

Bright lights appeared from your side of the window. A blue bike without a driver soon joined in.

"Are they all right, Optimus?"

They asked, their voices soft yet stern and serious.

"Yes, but they seem to be under shock. I already did an intercom with Ratchet to check their vitals".

You sobbed quietly, not wanting them to hear you. Hands flexing and soon balling into fists hit your thighs gently, desperately trying to regulate your emotions. But you can feel how a panic attack and meltdown crawl up your rips, holding your heart with its disgustingly cold, frost-bitten giving hands. It is clawing at it like some sort of toy that it wants to break. And soon, this toy popped.

Your head is spinning, your breathing has no rhythm, and the bit of food you had is coming back up with some stomach acid. No, this is something you can't get out of. The more gentle-ish hitting became violent. Your body begins to sway back and forth. You started to claw at your jacket, trying to rip it away from your body. Everything feels way too hot and sticky. Your nails are digging into your skin, giving it an ugly red line. Tears and snot form. Puke spills little by little from your lips as the erratic movements become violent.

Until your brain couldn't handle it anymore and pulled the plug. Your body thumped itself one more time against the leather seat. Your hands were hitting your head and clawing at your hair for the last time, until everything went black.

You hate the feeling of falling unconscious; it's weirdly light, like when you sit on an airplane and it starts to fly off, just instead of it flying straight up, it goes in circles.

You desperately want to wake up in your cozy bed, with your headphones next to you, playing your comfort playlist to help you fall asleep. But it won't. Something inside of you knows that nothing will be the same. A part of you is happy that this disfigured devil cycle has been broken; another is very, very scared. You are uncertain about your wellbeing and do not know what will come next for you.

And having to hide from whatever those things are, those ginormous, sentient metal beings who, for whatever reason, have it out for you?

What did you even do that peaked their interest? Did you make them angry? You'd hoped not.

[honestmouse20]

I am Back from vacation! Thought on new ninjago season under the cut :)

First off, I just wanna say that I watched it at 6am in my hotel room with headphones while my friend slept next to me lol. So I watched it all again yesterday too. Turns out I'd missed a Lot.

I really loved the pacing in this! Each character to me felt like they all had something to do and it all went towards the plot. Wildfyre learned to slow down and let herself heal, Kai and Nya both learned the paitence and tecnique to do Rising Dragon. Lloyd OFC got a Lot to do with his visions and panic attacks! I really liked how they handled his mental health in this one. Cole being back didn't feel forced! he was there bc Bonzal was essential to Ras' plan. Sora got a ton of development and I do wonder if they'll have her learn spinjitzu in part 2. And of course, Arin. Boy is Going Through it. It's a nice parallel to Lloyd also having a rough time. While Lloyd is haunted by possible futures, Arin is terrified of not being Good Enough to contribute to the team Or to make his parents proud.

This post would be hella long if i rambled about everything i loved in this season But I wanna highlight Some of my favs!

Cole and Geo Constantly holding hands and leaning on eachother (and geo's flashback to s1 being changed so they're holidng hands More)

Bonzle's whole arc and how she's a person now! Hella trans implications and also just a really sweet story when they show that she Does have agency and her creator Does recongnize and care for her

Sora and Arin's dymanic continues to be Really Good! I like how the initial excitement for being a ninja has worn off and they're starting to struggle.

Speaking of Arin, I stg that scene of him and Ras fighitng in the last couple episodes makes me think we're gonna get a dark Arin arc. Maybe he won't Stay evil (I don't want him to be a villan but they Could go that way if they want) but seeing Lloyd's reaction to his student turning sides would be very angsty and Very good

Also Lloyd in this was So good! Even tho he's trying very hard to be a Master and the keeper of the monastary, he's struggling and these visions are only making it harder on him. I'm sure we havn't seen the end of these visions and I'm sorta hoping they'll come to some big breaking point for him in part 2. Where he'll have to drag himself back up and Never Quit despite everything falling apart just like the visions said it would

Once again this show made me like kai again lol. HIs relationship with Nya and Wildfyre is So good and you really can see the similarities in how he interacts with them!

lloyd's power confirmed to be life????

why is no one talking abobut that ? did i read it wrong???

Onto some things i didn't Quite like but definatly didn't hate!

Ras' master is like 90 percent gonna be the Overlord. I'm aprehensive on this bc he's not really my favorite villan. Plus like he was Just the villan in crystalized so i feel like it's too soon for him to come back. once again gonna give this show the benefit of the doubt bc they've done a lto of stuff Really Really well. I'm just sorta hoping it's Not the overlord. Plus the powers were golden and that's Not the overlord's colors

what is timeline?????

i thought the shorts were two years after s1 and that s2 was gonna be between the shorts and s1???? but now the shorts are at the Beginning of the season and ryu is a teenage dragon? how long has passed? If it's been a couple years since season 1, it's a little less believable that arin and sora havn't progressed much fruther in their training. also no one Acts like it's been years?? But if it's Not a couple of years and Ryu just Grew up like that it's still a bit iffy. Ik they probably won't tell us exact times but I hope it's implied or Something bc im hella confused

so, tldr: This half of the season was Fantastic! From the animation being Incredible and the relationships between the characters being super interesting and realistic, this season was a ride from start to finish! I'm excited, and a bit scared, to see what part 2 brings!

[screechthemighty]

Hello God of War enjoyers, Sindri enjoyers, and "Kratos being a good bro" enjoyers, I have returned with part 2/3! If you missed part one, you can check the tag "fic: the balance of life is in the ripe and ruin" on my blog OR you can check out the AO3 link in a reblog!

the balance of life is in the ripe and ruin: part 2/3

content warnings: depictions of OCD including anxiety spirals and compulsions; grief due to family loss; brief dissociation; major spoilers for ragnarok. (also sindri's coping methods aren't necessarily how you're supposed to deal with OCD, but therapy doesn't exist so he's working with what he's got here)

.

The wolves weren’t so bad, as it turned out. Speki and Svanna slept outside and pretty much left Sindri alone when Kratos told them to. Getting used to Mimir took less time than Sindri had expected. On top of that, Kratos was tidier than Sindri expected and he didn’t get visitors often. Mostly it was just Freya and Angrboda, both of whom gave him some space. It was peaceful out in the Wildwoods; for a few days, Sindri felt like he could breathe.

Then, of course, the thoughts of the house came creeping back. The house and the floorboards. The urge to go back and start scrubbing came. He tried to ignore it, distract himself until the thoughts went away, but it was only a temporary solution. The more it happened, the more his fear started turning to frustration.

I don’t want to live like this. I can’t live like this.

“I am this close to just replacing the fucking floors,” Sindri said one night over dinner. It was the first thing either of them had said; Kratos was back from some lengthy expedition to Vanaheim, and Sindri had spent most the day with one foot in a panic attack. That didn’t exactly make for sparkling dinner conversation. “I don’t want to look at them anymore.”

Kratos nodded contemplatively. It took him a minute to look up from his stew, as if he were digesting what Sindri had said along with the food. “We could do it.”

“Do what?”

“Replace the floors.”

He was being completely serious. And suddenly, the idea seemed like much less of a bitter joke.

.

Of course, it took Sindri barely any time to regret agreeing to it. Being back at the house set the fear and racing thoughts loose again, so badly that he froze in the doorway and couldn’t move. He was scared to turn around and look at Kratos. He couldn’t handle seeing that oh so he’s crazy-crazy look on the god’s face. “Uhm.” Sindri took a deep breath. “It’s. It’s fine. I can do this.”

No, he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry…”

“We still have to find suitable materials,” Kratos pointed out calmly. “If you remember what you used last time, we do not have to enter.”

Right. Yeah. “I think I do,” Sindri said. He tried to be businesslike about it. Right, yeah, of course, they’d have to source the materials for the sealant, talk to Ratatoskr about digging into the branch again, consider sourcing stone or wood or something and bringing it there. This is the logical next step. Definitely not avoiding anything. “I can figure it out.”

Kratos grunted and reached over Sindri’s head to close the door–slowly at first, then more definitively when Sindri didn’t try to stop him. “Come.”

SIndri didn’t feel like he could breathe again until they were back in the Wildwoods, but at least Kratos wasn’t looking at him like he was a lunatic.

.

Figuring out and gathering everything they’d need took longer than it had last time, probably because Kratos was constantly being dragged off to help with some problem or another. The delay had mixed results. Some days still brought the panic and racing thoughts; most of the time, though, Sindri knew that even those panicked moments were better than what he’d face when the floor did come up.

You’ll have to face it one day,

Maybe, but he was content to put that day off for a little while longer.

.

He finally saw Lúnda again during the material gathering process. Sindri knew it was unavoidable, but after last time, he wasn’t looking forward to the conversation.

“You, uh…” Lúnda sucked on her teeth and examined him carefully. “You get your head back on straight?”

Sindri laughed bitterly. “My head’s never been on straight,” he said. “Didn’t Brok tell you that?”

The scurrying of paw steps interrupted the conversation. Both wolves came running over–one with a ball in her mouth, the other desperately trying to steal it. Both froze a safe distance away when the ball hit the ground, their eyes fixing on Sindri. “Okay, okay…” Sindri unhooked a took from his belt–a modified scoop with a long handle–and used it to pick up the ball. “Do you guys ever get tired?”

Speki and Svanna’s eager whines answered the question. Sindri rolled his eyes and flung the ball. “Go on, get!”

And they were off again, nearly knocking each other over as they ran. “Smart,” Lúnda said.

“Yeah, you should see the distance Kratos gets with it.” Sindri slipped the tool back in place. “I’m not…delusional, all right? I just…” He couldn’t look at her as he spoke. “I get these thoughts in my head and if I don’t do something about them, they don’t go away. Even when I do, they don’t always go away for good.” They never did, really, but he was sure this already sounded bad and nonsensical. No sense in making it worse. “So I know. I know he’s gone.” Saying it still made him feel sick, but at least he could say it. “It was just…either the floors or I lose my mind.”

“...Wow. That sounds…”

“Hard? Terrifying? Yeah, welcome to my life. It’s not so bad now. I think I just needed to get out of that house.” He finally looked at her. Lúnda’s eyes were sympathetic, not confused or repulsed. He’d take that, but first… “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

Lúnda shrugged. “It’s all right. I’m just glad to see you doing a little better is all.”

Was he?

Sindri pondered it as the wolves raced back over. “Well.” He scooped the ball back up and threw it again. “I’m sure not doing worse.”

And that was definitely better than nothing.

.

The day finally came. They had everything they needed. All they had to do was start.

One small problem: Sindri couldn’t get through the door again.

He’d let Kratos in first this time, which was already wreaking havoc on his nerves. The war god had avoided the Spot so far without being asked, but…no, no, Sindri hated this. He hated all of it.

“We still have to move the furniture,” Kratos said. Then, a bit more forcefully, “Sindri.”

“Huh? What?”

“One chair.” Kratos’s tone was firm, but shockingly patient. “You can move it, or I can. Or we can go home.”

One chair. Just the one. He could do that, right?

“Uhm. Okay. Yeah, you…you can…” He swallowed nervously and gestured outside. “Y-yeah.”

Kratos nodded. He picked up the armchair from the corner, only moving it outside when Sindri didn’t object. He set the chair down. “How do you feel?”

“...scale of fine to worst day of my life? Uh.” Sindri glanced back inside the house. He couldn’t make his legs move. “Probably that time you were asking about Mimir’s eye?”

“Do you want to go home?”

“I…” Yes, but he also didn’t want to draw this out too long. “...one more? Let’s do one more.”

He could handle one more, right?

They got three chairs out before Sindri had to call it quits. No one was more surprised by that than he was.

Weirdly, even that small start made the return trip seem less terrifying.

.

By the time Kratos got all the big furniture out, Sindri’s panic hadn’t risen past mild discomfort. It’s not that bad, see? Don’t be a chickenshit.

He took a deep breath and stepped inside.

Okay. Okay, don’t overthink it, just go. One thing at a time.

He kept moving, focusing on the list of smaller items that needed moving so they wouldn’t get dirty. One item. Then the next. Then the next.

Just don’t think! Brok told him that all the time. You thinkin’ so much, that’s the problem. You know what you’ve gotta do, so just do it.

It was never that simple for Sindri, but he tried. He really tried.

He was successful right up until he had to cross to the right side of the room. Near the Spot.

Be careful, don’t step on it, be careful, you’ll hurt him, be careful!

The panic got so bad, he ended up leaving the house. He stood outside and took deep, desperate breaths. Something about the air on the World Tree was…different. Crisp like mountain air, but not so thin. He tried to focus on that instead of his racing thoughts.

They stopped a lot faster this time.

See? Toldja. You think too damn much.

The sound of Kratos clearing his throat caught Sindri’s attention. “We can stop…”

“No,” Sindri blurted. “No, I can do it. I need to do this.”

“...hmm.” Did he look impressed? Was that an impressed look on his face? “Very well.”

Sindri took one last breath before going back in.

He still gave the spot a wide berth, but every item got moved. Sindri knew it was probably a bad idea to start believing in omens, but he really hoped that was a good one.

.

They started on the edges of the room and worked their way in.

Some days they made good progress. Some days, barely anything got done. It wasn’t always the irrational anxiety that slowed him, either. Sometimes it was grief. It’d hit him all over again, the sorrow and anger so fresh he felt like he might drown in them.

“I hate him,” Sindri said one day. He felt like a geyser with a pressure cap over it; his body wanted to cry, but for some reason he just couldn’t. “I hate him so much, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.” He’d smashed that stupid marble. Odin was gone. It just wasn’t enough. Maybe nothing would’ve been enough. “I don’t know what to do with it. It’s just…there now.”

Maybe that was why he’d been so angry at Kratos and Atreus after it happened. All that rage and nothing to do with it…it had to go somewhere. They were close by, easy targets, culpable in his eyes. If he couldn’t make Odin hurt, he could make them hurt.

Right. Because that’s fair.

Kratos hummed. His hands traced over the scars on his forearms. They didn’t seem so…stark as they had before. Sindri remembered how red and inflamed they could look over Fimbulwinter, seeming to re-open and heal at random. They hadn’t been that bad in months. “It will fade,” he said. “You can turn it into other things. Just…do not let it turn back on yourself.”

“Or anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me again.”

“I know.” Sindri stared out over the swirling voids above them. Sometimes they looked beautiful. Some days they just looked cold. He wasn’t sure what today was like. “Any word…?”

Kratos shook his head. “He has far to travel. The coming winter may slow him…” His voice trailed off. When Sindri glanced his way, the war god was staring down at his hands, his face hard to read again. He didn’t seem distressed, though.

“He will return,” Kratos finished finally, with that same quiet certainty he’d displayed before. “Do you think you can continue today?”

Sindri glanced back over his shoulder. The inside of the house looked cold, unwelcoming. “...no” he said finally. “No, I think I’m done for today.”

Kratos was right: he should channel all that anger into something else. Usually, it was the floor. He’d started easing back into smithing work, too, picking up projects late in the evening when he was sure he would be left alone. It helped, most of the time, but something told him that wouldn’t work today. The load was too much.

Time to go home and hope the next day would be better.

.

They dug up the Spot last.

Sindri insisted on burning the flooring. It was the best compromise he could think of: he couldn’t keep it there, but if he treated it as an extension of Brok by giving it a burial…it’d be gone, right? Nothing else to worry about. And it worked, in a way. His mind didn’t rebel against the idea the way it did stepping on the wood.

It also backfired spectacularly, because suddenly he was burying his brother for a second time. And somehow, it hurt more than the first.

He burned the pieces alone. He’d been worried he’d break down, and he wasn’t sure he wanted an audience for that. He didn’t, though. It wasn’t the numb feeling that had overtaken him at the first funeral. The world felt stretched out, thin, unreal. It was like his soul had come untethered, watching what happened from a distance.

How many times am I going to lose him?

Funny thing: he could imagine Brok’s response so clearly. Just the one time, you idiot. I ain’t gonna be more gone than I was before. It’s all in your head.

“Yes, dumbass,” Sindri muttered. The sound of his own voice drew him back, even if only a little. “That’s where your thoughts usually are.”

For a moment, the only sound was the crackling of the fire. Sindri closed his eyes and tried to focus on that sound. He just needed one thing to be real. Even if the realest thing was…

You’ll be all right.

He didn’t believe it, not really.

But if he imagined it in Brok’s voice, he could get close.

.

Fall turned to winter, one that seemed far less harsh after three years of cold.

He started going out into the world more. Worked alongside Lúnda. Did repairs for Kratos and Freya’s armor. He and Agrboda collaborated on a piece. She really was a talented artist. She seemed sure Atreus was safe, too. (Sindri felt like there was a story with them, but he decided not to pry. Not his place, not his business, though he was pretty sure he knew what was happening there.)

The floor slowly filled itself in. By the end of winter, only the Spot was left. And that was where the work stalled.

He spent more time in the house, even sleeping there some nights. He went longer and longer stretches of time without breaking down. But he couldn’t bring himself to finish.

It just didn’t feel like the right time.

[josad-irl]

My burden and well maybe first and last post

welp, worth a try

Hi, I'm "J", 23 yo.

Guess this might be worth a try since I'm running out of options.

Background info: I have heavy depression, and got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder with a strong tendency towards BPD (Borderline). I never had consistent suicidal thoughts. They came impulsive during high trigger situations a few times.

Just half a year ago I had the best time of my life. I was clean from my 1 1/2 year long addiction to drugs. I had the best gf I could have ever wished for. I had fun at Uni. I had good friends. I was happy. Or so I thought. My BPD kept making the relationship go into a crisis. My gf had ADHD and quiet-borderline was to be diagnosed. But I never found out til this day if she actually has it. Well, now I don't have a gf, lost most of my friends, my heavy depression is back and either my emotions aren't available for weeks or they come back like a train hitting me straight on and make me cry and brake down into panic attacks multiple times daily. I can't sleep. I don't feel happiness. I cannot enjoy a single thing. I either eat too much at once or not at all. After the break up I got sent into a prison-like psychiatric clinic for 3 nights. It was the worst time of my life. I never before have truly felt the way I did back then. That is almost 3 months ago now. Afterwards got a place in a clinic for mental health which was rlly nice tbh. I had a nice room. Nice ppl. Got a nice therapist. After a few weeks therapy finally started to help and I felt emotionally more stable after my 2 months stay. Now I am "free" again. Two weeks have passed. I can't stop thinking about my ex and the friends who were in the same circle. They all keep in contact with her, but they never once came to visit me or texted me during my stay in the clinic. Not once. In two months. I had to text them. Now they all barely answer to my texts. I do still have some rlly good friends left. But somehow I can't get over the things I have lost. And I am still desperately in love with my ex partner. She was the best person I have ever met. But she has blocked me everywhere. My emotions were gone for the last 2 weeks of my stay in the clinic. They came back a week ago. Well rather they came back on my birthday. When the hope had rissen up that my ex would text me. But no, nothing. During my stay in the clinic we had an on/off thing. We met, we slept with each other. But suddenly she cut me off completely saying it over for ever. She realised we weren't good for each other and that was it. Well, my opinion was that we could heal through therapeutic help and try it again. But she never answer to that. That was the moment I went into shock and kinda lost all my emotions. As I said, these came back on my bday. Especially the last hour of it. I had a huge panic attack and a gigantic borderline trigger, where it felt like i was going insane. I tried to desperately contact her. But she blocked me off even in the last possible way I had to get into contact. She saw my calls, but she cut them off. That was it. My emotions finally got broken. Now i am sitting here and contemplating if its worth living, when my only two choices are being emotionally unavailable and basically just acting under a facade or to be emotionally broken and depressed to an extent where I am pretty close to taking my own life. I tried before but got stopped. I think this might be the time where I'll get it over with. Well. If neither a clinic, nor meds, nor my mum and not even my good friends can stop me from feeling and thinking this way...who can? Will this ever stop? I have been depressive for years. 4, maybe 5 years. My BPD is hindering my emotional stability. I don't know what to do. I think live is beautiful. And I know people can heal. I know time can heal. I know I should just cut contact and concentrate on the things I have. I learned so much in the clinic. I know others would take this opportunity to heal. Other ppl are strong. But I don't think I can. I am scared of myself. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of what anyone says. I am scared of what anyone thinks. I am scared of what I think. I am scared of what I can do. I am scared of what I could become. I am scared. I am broken. My trust is broken. My emotions are broken. And I have seen better days in these dark times. But they were always overshadowed. I give up. Maybe. Well....

"X", I love you. I hope you are able to heal. I hope you got the help you needed. I hope you will find the happiness that you deserve. You were the first person in my life that I could be myself around completely. The first person I ever truly loved. You helped me through heavy depression, addiction and pain. Now I hope you get the help you need and never have to feel the way I did or now do. I wish you all the best.

To anyone reading this: I hope your are having it better than me. I know this sounds weird for me to say, but... if your are going through somethings, ask for help. Someone will help. There is nothing more important than your mental health. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever challenges your are facing <3

If this isn't my last post, then something must have happened and well..I'll post an update then.

Maybe goodbye, maybe not.

J

[maximuswolf]

Anxious about tinnitus getting worse after long music festival

Anxious about tinnitus getting worse after long music festival Hi all,I’ve had to deal with light form of tinnitus since i was 14-15 (at least that’s when i began to notice it, now i’m 19) but given that it wasn’t very intense i’ve always been able to ignore it and live with it (I never got checked by a doctor) , and i was only aware when purposefully concentrating on It, especially in a completely silent environment.So, three days ago (14/08/24) i went with some Friends to the Red Valley Music Festival in Olbia (i’m from Sardinia), and we stayed there from 7:20 PM to around 4:20 AM of the next morning (the 15th), so for around 9 hours.It was the first time i had ever gone to a concert or event of that kind, so i didn’t completely know what to expect, but as a precaution i had brought with me a pair of earplugs (Loop Experience 2), that i wore for practically the whole time.I think the volume was insane, it was extremely loud, and very naively we, or rather, I, got carried away by the emotions so i followed my friends and we stayed for most of the time within around 80-50 meters from the stage. We took some “breaks” here and there, in which we moved to the furthest points of the Arena, but even there the volume was pretty high.Reflecting now about the experience, i realize what a stupid gamble i took, although i can say that i felt the effect of the earplugs, which reduced the volume quite a bit, however, nothing could stop the bass and the lower notes that shook everything when they came.At around 9:30 AM of the 15th, i got back home and i realized that i perceived sounds a bit muffled, and my tinnitus was a bit more intense, and honestly, i believe i had a panic attack from the anxiety i got from the tinnitus, together with the fact that i hadn’t slept for many hours, and my mind wasn’t clear.Leaving that aspect aside, i believe the muffled sounds sensation resolved in that evening, while, as the time of writing this, i believe that for the tinnitus the situation hasn’t improved much, if at all.I took an appointment to an otolaryngologist (i think that’s what it’s called in english), so in less than a week i’ll get his opinion, while also checking the general health of my ears.The fact that i am an anxious person doesn’t help, and i’ve been constantly having the fear that there is no hope for improvement, and that my hearing will permanently have to pay for the consequences of my carelessness, and that i will suffer for this.What are your thoughts? Anybody who had a similar experience they want to share? Any consideration Is appreciated.btw, my tinnitus feels almost like a CRT tv static noise, and It varies when moving my neck or jaw. Submitted August 17, 2024 at 06:17AM by Snoopy205 https://ift.tt/mhJdy5t via /r/Music

[nathank77]

8/5/24

9:34 a.m Added to/Edited 9:52 a.m

The only thing I can think of are the commonalities with the two nights that I had to double up to sleep:

1) I had 2 Red Bulls.

2) Both days were a game day where I did nothing but game. I gamed for like 8-10 hours yesterday. The day before my dad's house I gamed for like 8 hours at least.

3) Having a little caffeine after 5 p.m

Other than that there aren't other commonalities. I didnt even shower both of those days cause I showered the day before my dad's and the night I came home from dad's.

I didn't even make a phone call or run an errand or anything. I relaxed. I relaxed and played Minecraft both days and played my heart out. I mean that's all I can say.

I slept fine the night I came home from my fathers on the standard dose but I was outside. I was social. I showered. I exposed myself to sunlight. Although the half was so thick it must have been a .7 or a .8....

Last night it was probably a .6 or .7. The night before my dad's I mean it was 1.5 by the time I fell asleep.

Was it bc I didn't do anything but game and I drank two Red Bulls? I mean I've had many red Bull days Aka 24 ounces of red Bulls.. and fell sleep on the standard dose.

I had anxiety last night cause I could only take 1, 50 mg of CBD cause I only had one more gummie left. Im getting them today.

Today I'm feeling really depressed, I don't have many things on my list of things to do. Shave my face/Head idk If I'm going to do it. I'll likely shower.

Part of me wants to bring the clear bin by my game stack up to the attic despite it being empty mostly. It only has my uhart target bag in it and 2 shirts I don't like much. I wanted to fill it but I'm sick of it taking up space in my room. I can always bring stuff upstairs and fill it.

I was also planning to "set up" both Macbooks. One is purely professional and is set up. The other I want to hook my fb to and Instagram bc it's my "gaming/fun" macbook.

I'm meeting with Erin today. I'd do laundry but I'm going to wait until later this week.

This whole week I barely have anything to do but therapy Tuesday and thursday. I have nothing to be anxious about. I know I was anxious about my cbd.

I am anxious about my uti... but I'm coping. I honestly just want to watch TV. I used to have TV days but now that my gamers burn out has been cured every day I can relax I just game.

Idk ill eventually get out of the rut and at least shower.

I still got to figure out what to do with the mouse deodorant and stuff...

I also got to finish putting my shreddables in bins but I'm absolutely not doing that today.

I got to try to be active. I just feel depressed cause I had my eyes closed for a long time and couldn't sleep... and then I don't want to buy cbd but it def helped with my panic attacks...

I def had some microsleep flashbacks last night and the night before my dad's. Rapid eye movement nervousness about it being fucked up and not working right/not being in alignment.

I mean I bought 100mg a day of CBD again.... I want to go down to 50 but my brain is like take 100mg fuck the money... and I used to not even be able to think about the word panic without having heart palpitations.... so it's hard to decide not to buy it.

I also notice white on my inner cheeks could be From SLS and my cheek healing now that I removed it... or could be a yeast infection, when I have my psychical I'm going to ask to get tested for yeast again as my tongue is still black hairy tongue that is insanely clean bc I scrap it twice a day... but with the white on inner cheeks if it doesn't clear up, it could be yeast or a sign of cancer...

I'm just wondering why I'm trying so hard. Part of me is like go to prime house despite knowing I won't meet anyone there anyways.

Another thing that is getting to me is my ac is slowly shitting the bed and I can afford to put it on the new credit line... I mean not if I want to get a bed... but I feel I may have to spring the cash from the new credit line cause it really is shitting the bed.

Also my cigarettes are due soon. I got one more carton and I don't want to go to new Hampshire but I'm thinking like somewhere around the 15th or so... that'll be another bill... I wanted to get my southern degree replaced with my name... but I can't afford the fee cause I had to pay for my car taxes. Also l salvariuos. And cbd...

Maybe next month. Also I have to eventually bring in my "gaming" Macbook to apple but can't this month too broke.

I def have money anxiety. And I was thinking about going to prime house today bc maybe it is just 2 red bulls and gaming all day effecting my ability to sleep and caffeine after 5 p.m... cause that is also a commonality between the night before dad's and last night.

So yea I'm a ball of anxiety and I'm sick of being alone and i wish I could find a gf.

Beyond that my car ac is terrible.. I'm sick of how hot it is. It makes me want to stay in the house all day everyday. I can't wait for the weather to be less fucking disgusting.

Being in my car makes me nasous it's so fucking hot and I can't even crack a windows both motors on the driver side and passenger side are blown.

[theonewiththelight]

THE JOURNEY

It has been one hell of a ride. I don’t know how I even managed to sit on an airplane for 15 hours, I don’t know how my 78 year old grandparents managed to do that earlier this year. Sitting down for so long takes a toll on you, not just physically, but emotionally and energetically. Without movement your energy becomes stuck. Add the fear of your travels and the dramatic distance from nature (ocean, trees, ground) and you’re in for an anxiety attack. I was 10 hours into my flight. So far so good. I had watched a marvelous musical, read pages of an amazing book, walked and stretched in the back of the airplane, and slept (uncomfortably) for two hours. Five more hours to go, I was in the endgame now. Then it happened. The fear married my anxiety and exploded in my stomach with a heart burning, gut wrenching roar. It felt like every major organ in my body was on fire. I was squeezed in between two strangers, both of them ignorant lost in their own worlds. I wanted to speak, ask them to move so I could move too. Movement is my medicine. But I felt paralyzed. Nothing to do other than breath, cry, and hold myself tightly until it passed by. Except, it didn’t. The burning grew and grew, nobody noticed how I almost drowned in the fire of my fears and worries. I don’t know where they came from, I had been so grounded, so steady, so calm. But here they were, my demons. I started breathing loudly, if I couldn’t move, and couldn’t go to the bathroom, the only thing I could release was my tears. I hoped they would be enough to set me free. They weren’t. This was the first of many many many times in this adventure of mine that my inner healer stepped forth to hold myself. I was able to stand up, go to the bathroom, move around, and breath in my own space. I held myself lovingly, reminding me that everything was okay. There was so much fear inside of me. While I knew I was on a plane to Dubai, which would take me to New Delhi, which would take me to Rishikesh, I didn’t know anything else. I didn’t know a single human being in the place where I was headed. Didn’t know if I would feel safe, feel comfortable, feel happy in this brave new world. I didn’t know if I had signed myself up for a month of suffering, or a month of joy. I was suspended on a plane flying me directly into the unknown. And I did the only thing I could do. I held my heart, I thank the Universe for loving on me, for protecting me, and I repeated my favorite mantra, “I’m the one with the force, and the force is with me.”

Arriving

I thought that the longer I flew, the more tired I would grow. It was, after all, a 31 hour odessey. However, the closer I got to India, the higher my life force flowed. I felt more awake, more aware, more energized, more alive.

That was until I got off the plane, of course. I think it was a combination of my lack of sleep, exhaustion, and anxiety, but nothing, no space, no situation, no environment, has ever been more emotionally stressful then the New Delhi airport. I don’t understand how Indian culture can be founded on the idea that, “the light in me recognizes and respects the light within you” because every human being at that airport was selfish, rude, and showed now spark of humanness in their actions. People did not seem to care about anyone other than themselves, cutting in line seems to be the cultural norm. Not just cutting but actually pushing you aside and stepping over you. It was HOT so annoyingly and humidly hot. After an hour and thirty minutes of getting through immigration and finding my luggage, I was faced with the first real panic of my trip. I was in terminal 3, but in order to make it to terminal 2 I had to take a taxi.

It’s 3 am, I am in a LOUD violent country, alone; scared, sweating from every inch of my body. Remembering the words my friend and mentor who had traveled to this county before, said very clearly to me; “don’t get in any taxis alone.”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. How was I suppose to get to terminal 3 without a taxi? How could I know which Taxi driver to trust? How could I pay this taxi driver, when absolutely all the money I had was meant to be my payment for my yoga training. My first reaction was to cry of overwhelm, but I couldn’t show weakness. Not in the New Delhi airport. My second instinct was to call my dad. But there was nothing he could do for me all the way back home, and I didn’t want to freak him out. I was on my own for this one. And that was okay, it was, after all, what I signed up for.

I scanned the crowed; looked for the human with the calmest energy. I appreciated a man who seemed kind, and asked if he knew how I could get to terminal 3. He told me to walk down two sets of stairs and walk north east through a long tunnel. I followed his advice and felt so damn blessed and thankful when I made it to terminal 3 without a taxi! I was exhausted; sleep deprived, and terrified. But after 3 plane rides, 4 airports, and 28 hours of travel, I only had one more 35 minute plane ride to go! After a 5 hour layover, of course.

I won’t go into too much detail on the horrors of terminal 3. They include groped by TS motherfuking A, being separated from my belongings, and having a panic attack at the non functioning atm. But finally, after one and a half days of traveling, I made it to my destination, Rishikesh, the yoga capital of the world.

[voidmodeboywife]

High Functioning, Low functioning

I read an article by someone with “high functioning depression”. A salaried writer. Their life is so hard, they said. They go to work on time every day and then they come home and cry. They meet all their deadlines and then they come home and cry. They earn $50,000 a year and then they come home and they cry.

I close the article. I see who shared it. Postgraduate student former wunderkind with wealthy parents. “Nobody knows how hard my life is,” they said.

I lie awake at night. I don’t sleep because I can’t afford hobbies that use energy. My life is a joke. I have no job. I have not had a job in 18 months. Prior to that I had a job for 2 months, after which I was fired for failing to get to work on time. Prior to that, I had no job for 6 months. Prior to that I had a job in a call centre that I was fired from for failing to meet the terms of my contract. I failed to meet the terms of my contract because I was suffering from PTSD – the sunny spring weather coinciding with Easter was just a little more than I could bear – and couldn’t concentrate for more than 5 minutes. I offered to get a doctors note, and was told it was too late, and that if I was too mentally ill to work I should have just not bothered coming in at all. Prior to that I tried to get my education. I dropped out against my will because I was having panic attacks about how we’re all going to die. Prior to that I tried to get my education. I dropped out because I was about to kill myself and had to go home to my parents who could look after me, whereupon I slept on a mattress on the floor for three months. I improved while sleeping on that mattress. I have no sense of self esteem, because no-one will hire me. If I was them I wouldn’t hire me either.

I take medication for my depression. I go to counselling. It goes in circles. I only ever get better for a few months at a time. On a psychological level, I cannot internalise that I am worth knowing, worth trusting, worth investing in, because with the exception of people who are as mad as I am, no-one will know, trust, or invest in me. “Who told you you are bad, worthless, not worth investing in?” Everyone, and if they thought differently I would have a job. I reached out to my favourite teacher from school, she responded. I replied back revealing more about how I think. She stopped responding.

I could say more about the former wunderkind. I don’t. But I know they’d rather kill themselves than be me, because they admitted it to me in private, offline.

I read an article by someone with “high functioning anxiety”. Their life is so hard, you see. Every day they make phone calls and their heart races. Every day someone slams a door and they start sweating. Every day they wake from nightmares and every day they wake up and they go to work on time because their anxiety won’t let them be late to anything. They do their job to the best of their ability, because their anxiety won’t let them be less than perfect. They make dozens of friends at work but it’s not real friendship because no-one knows the real them, the them with anxiety. Imagine being able to fucking hide your anxiety.

I went for an ADHD assessment once. I can’t concentrate, I said. I have struggled with school despite being very intelligent with a love for learning, because I cannot hold my focus for more than a few minutes. The assessor watches me closely throughout the assessment. He concludes that what I believe to be ADHD is actually panic attacks, and I have been having panic attacks whenever I try to do important things since I was 7 years old. I realise he is correct, because when I asked as a child, “how do you make yourself do your homework” I was told “just imagine the consequences of not doing it” and I told them I already do that and all that happens is I sit and shake and want to stab myself through the hand.

My anxiety tells me I am forgetting something terribly important when I am reaching for the front door. My anxiety messes with my short term memory, so I have always forgotten something important. My anxiety tells me something terrible will happen if I leave the house without that all-important thing. I am 10 minutes late leaving the house if I am lucky. Most days, I am 30 minutes late. Some days, I am 3 hours late, because I cannot shake that feeling that I am forgetting something and cannot remember what it is. Sometimes I am leaving the house and I remember I didn’t take out the laundry, or clean the dishes, and everyone in my house will be mad at me if I don’t take out the laundry and clean the dishes. My friends wait for me at the location for 2 hours, finding some way to pass the time while they wait for me. I am a burden to them.

I am afraid to go into the city, because the city is a half hour bus ride, and what if something goes wrong in the city and I have to get home? I grew up in this city. Nothing bad has ever happened in this city that couldn’t be managed. But if anything goes wrong, it will be me, or because of me, because I am a liability who ruins everything. I stay home.

I have to go to the shop, and spend my money on groceries, because if I do not go to the shop I will have to make someone else go to the shop, because I am a parasite and I am so sick of being a parasite, so I go to the shop. I arrive and get to the vegetables section and my heart starts pounding. My head goes light. The word agoraphobia means “fear of the marketplace”. I buy what I can remember and go home, thinking about how I am too mentally unwell to do the most basic of tasks. I get home and remember several things I forgot to buy. The supermarket is a five minute walk away. I do not go out again.

I open my e-mails to check my e-mails. I have a panic attack before the page has finished loading. 300+ unread e-mails, most of them spam that I cannot tolerate being in my e-mails folder long enough to unsubscribe from. Most of the spam are job postings. I click on a few job postings. “wanted, pastry chef, 3+ years experience”. “wanted, barista, 2+ years experience”. “Wanted, Chief Financial Officer of insurance company. Must have Masters in finance or equivalent in experience”. I apply for the night shift at the petrol station across the road. I am asked to fill out a personality assessment. I receive a rejection e-mail two days later.

I mention to bookshop clerk, who I am friendly with, that I don’t have issues with phone calls. “wow,” she says, “you’re so lucky, I can’t stand phone calls.” I tell her the trick is to remember that no-one has ever picked up the phone and when the conversation is over gone “wow, what a loser, what a piece of shit, calling me on the phone like that.” I know that sometimes they do when the person is sufficiently stupid, sufficiently a freak who asks weird questions, but they cannot see my face, so they will not remember this about me every time they see my face.

I bring a bag with me everywhere. It is big. Everything I could need goes in that bag. I have that bag because every time I have tried to leave the house without that bag, I have run out of pocket space before I leave the house and I cannot shake the feeling that it will not be OK if I don’t have literally everything. I leave the house and think, “what a fool I look, with this big bag, as I walk around the corner to the pharmacy and corner shop.” I think of my posture the entire time, and try not to hunch. I think of my gait, and try not to stagger. I think my thinning hair, permanently messy because I can’t afford a barber and can never get the angle right when I try to do it myself. I flatten my hair. I want no-one to remember me. I should not have left the house.

I go for a café job in a hospital. “your CV shows a distinct lack of loyalty”, the interviewer said. “You need to stay in a job for more than a year.” No-one will hire me, I said. “There are always people hiring” he said. They all want 2+ years experience, I said. “Excuses” he said. I do not get the job.

“The worst thing they can do is say no,” my partner always says. But as I am frequently told by people who mean it as a compliment, I am impossible to forget. Everyone always remembers me. They remember how I failed that interview. They remember when I say the wrong things. They remember when I start to shake in the vegetable aisle of Aldi.

I want no-one to remember me. I want to disappear. I want to remove myself from the lives of those that have the misfortune of knowing me. I have failed at everything I have ever done. I don’t have money so I cannot save for the future. There is no future. The future does not exist. There is only the terrible terrible now, stretching for years and years and years. And yet I will endure. It has to get better. It has to get better. If it can't get better, I can't keep going. So I will keep going because it has to get better.

College grad salaried writer complains about how their life is so hard with high functioning anxiety and depression. Mental illness that manifests as productive creativity, good manners, reliability. “nobody believes I’m depressed because I’m so successful” is what they are saying. Your sparkling CV is your cross to bear. You’d kill yourself if you were me.

[healingemetjourney]

2/6/23 (TMI)

I called out of work sick today. I was fine this morning, ate breakfast, showered. I was blow-drying my hair and I thought I had to fart. It was NOT a fart. I started having terrible diarrhea out of nowhere. Of course I start to panic and I think this is a stomach bug. I took 2 Promethazine to be safe. Even though I felt no nausea. My parents took the kids so I could rest. I slept from about 9am-3pm. I watched some TV afterwards. My dad brought the kids back around 6:30pm. The little one started crying soon after. I am tired.

In death, there is no fear. No stress. No panic attacks. No anxiety. No vomiting. No stomach bugs. There are no crying children. You are not overstimulated. You are nothing. And nothing sounds so peaceful. I haven't struggled this badly with my mental health in a long time. I am happiest when I am asleep. I scheduled an appt with my therapist on Wednesday to discuss adding a medication. Celexa isn't cutting it anymore. I need help. I want to scream. What did I do to deserve to live like this? Why is my brain so sick? I want so desperately to be normal. I'm afraid I will always live like this. If it weren't for my kids, I don't think I would still be here. I'm only here because they deserve a mother.

Triggers: Diarrhea

[razor-twat]

17.12.2022

Had to cancel a social thing bc i was feeling too anxious about the whole thing. I'm still having the remnants of a panic attack but i think it's going away. I'm leaving this place on monday. One more full day left.

I'm so tired i haven't done anything this week. Just slept and attended a julebord thing (basically 2h of socializing with a lot of xmas themed food, literal translation is christmas table). It went okay but i overused my social capasity and almost exploded from too much people aah. But before that i was having fun.

Today i will go for a small walk or something. Or finish knitting my wool sock. Watch a documentary or a movie. Maybe read something a bit.

I'm trying to recover now when i am going back to finland soon and the food prices are not keeping me relapsed. I mean that's only a small fraction of it but i'm so tired of eating meals that are just 1 what is cheapest and 2 what is vegan /vegetarian.

Even onions and garlics and spices (except salt, pepper and paprika) are hella expensive so i can't season my damn food well. I've survived on 4 ingredients pasta (pasta, tomato sauce w herbs, beans, garlic)

& fried instant ramen with salted peanuts

& soysauce marinated beans + mashed potatoes (in water oof, but the oat milk is like 3.3e and i'm only putting that to coffee).

Also i have not seen a fresh vegetable in 4 months (except for cheap norwegian apples that are edible only when baked in the oven and cabbages.) Seljanka soup (with, u guessed it: canned mushrooms and beans) is the 5th food i have survived on.

Wanna hear the most fucked up thing? In finland this diet would cost me 50e a month. Here it's 100e a month (approx). And guess how much money i have budgeted for food each month? 110e. Jesus christ... fucking oil country. Norway, i love u but please stop relapsing me with the pricing.

[anointed-with-purpose]

Sunday before Thanksgiving 2022

Today, has been an emotional release kind of day, so far. I woke up feeling so tired as if I had only slept for about 2 minutes. The day has been dragging ever since. I've been having on/off crying sessions all day. Something that I am totally receptive to in retrospective to how my thinking was 5+ years ago. I remember trying to repress my emotions whenever they arose. "Crying?! EWW! WTF was that?! That's some 'weak' person mentality.. get it together and WOMAN up", is something along the lines of what I would tell myself, but NEVER others! (we'll unpack that later) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! The realizations while your reflect on your life, your growth, your journey.. the 'good' and the 'bad'. Which I have also learned that those are just concepts we've adapted along the way to describe our experiences based on the programming we've received and implemented on ourselves in order process/determine 'right', from 'wrong'. When in reality, there is no RIGHT or WRONG, there's only lessons with experience.. LORDT this ish gets DEEP! Learning to live in the NOW is not just a phrase, it's not just a saying that Oprah lives by, it is truly a way of BEING. But learning, along with a fuck ton of UNLEARNING along with implementing, along with remaining mindful, along with holding self accountable, along with allowing oneself to validate own's feelings, along with protecting your energy and your peace.. is WORK! Work, because it requires consistency, which for me has not been easy! But then again, what comes easy isn't always best. Sometimes in order for us to truly grow, we HAVE to shed our old selves/skin and that involves outgrowing, people, places, things, mindsets/outdated thinking. THIS SHIT IS WORK!! Yo, sometimes I feel that I'm losing my mind. And that's partially true, but that means that those around me aren't aligned with me and sometimes that means that I am not checking/grounding myself. Anxiety AND depression will have you STUCK if you allow it! But taking back your power is always up to you! We are in the season of seasonal depression aka S.A.D and trust me, don't nobody believe in the power of WORDS ARE POWERFUL more than I do, but I also consider myself a realist. I call shit what it is. As I was typing this, I caught myself spiraling into a mini panic attack and I had to do some breaths in order to center myself. I'm going to keep writing, I'm going to keep speaking my truth, I'm going to keep doing what I have to do in order to keep my head as level headed as I can. For my own sake, well-being, my daughters and reminding myself that I'm not alone. For anyone that is reading this, whenever this has found you, I hope that you know that you aren't alone. In any mental illness you may be struggling with, with any inner critic, with any traumas, YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE IMPORTANT, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU A WHOLE, YOU MATTER!