#i think i may end up talking about him and jist him for a bit

[georgies-ftts]

if we get the spin off i want Jesper to find the letters from Van Eck before they go on the Ice Court job. i’ve had a single glass of wine and turned into a writer help me:

Kaz reveals that Wylan is Jan Van Eck’s son and Jesper is pissed because he didn’t want the two of them to hide who they were from each other. They have a semi heated conversation where Wylan refuses to explain what happened to him and how he ended up working for Kaz, he storms out of the workshop and Jesper ends up alone with Wylan’s chemicals bubbling in the background.

He’s angry at Wylan for hiding but he’s also angry at himself for arguing with him the way he did. He spins around exasperatedly but he sees something sticking out from under the mattress and, thinking it’s some of Wylans plans or blueprints he goes to take them out, maybe neaten them and clean the workshop up a bit as a half attempt at an apology but he sees the scribbles of letters on the page and he knows he shouldn’t but he can’t help but take in the words.

He reads them, over and over and over again, scanning the same 15 or so words a million times. He even has to mutter them out loud just to make sure he’s reading it correctly and when he catches Jan Van Eck’s name signed on the bottom he wants to rage. He’s angry, he’s hurt but he’s so unbelievably confused.

He tucks the letters into his jacket and legs it, sprinting from the workshop whilst thinking of the one place Wylan could would go to after their argument.

He ends up on the roof, where the five of them stood that night Kaz blew up the Crow Club

Wylan is sitting on the ledge, legs hanging over the side, Jesper can’t see his face but he can hear a slight sniffle as he steps down the wooden stairs.

He walks up next to him, careful not to startle the younger one, he fiddles with his rings and clears his throat, thinking of the best thing to say in that moment

The first words out of his mouth are “I’m sorry.”

Wylan tries to tell him he doesn’t need to be but Jesper lays a gentle hand on his shoulder and Wylan sees in his eyes that he should let Jesper talk. So he does.

Wylan listens as Jesper talks and he’s slowly trying to bring up the letters. He pulls the paper’s from his pocket and tries to excuse himself for snooping. His hands are shaking as he talks and Wylan’s eyes are filled with unfallen tears

Then Wylan lays his hands over the papers, over Jesper’s trembling fingers and he says quietly:

“It’s okay, Jes, you were going to find them sooner or later”

And Jesper’s brow creases in confusion

“You know what they say?”

Wylan shakes his head, his eyes dipping back to the paper

“No but I got the jist after the third one arrived… Can you read them to me?”

And Jesper releases a shaky breath, he’s only found one, how many more were there? He doesn’t want too to read them, he wants to run back down to the workshop and shove them all in the bunsen burner, watch as they ignite, the ink inside no longer able to hurt Wylan.

“Please?”

Jesper unfolds the paper, he starts reading. and as he finishes by reading off his father’s name, he’s expecting Wylan to sob, to cry and shake and rage… but he doesn’t.

He sits there, legs still dangling over the side, hair bristling slightly in the breeze of the night.

He nods, another sniffle coming from him

“Wy?”

He takes a moment to respond, he starts talking and he’s cut off by a sob which he chokes down and powers through

“My father didn’t want me, Jesper, to him i was defective and he wanted rid of me and saint’s know’s he tried” Jesper doesn’t know what he means by that but a flash of fear dances in his eyes and Jesper’s stomach drops. “I’m angry with him, I’m- I’m mad and i want nothing more than to show him that he was wrong about me but also- his actions, however horrific you may consider them to be, brought me to you, and even if The Barrel is constantly trying to kill us and Kaz is, well, Kaz, as long as you’re here I don’t care, Jes-“

“Once we get our payment, I’ll make sure we make his life a living hell in every way imaginable. You won’t have to be afraid anymore, Wylan”

Wylan smiles then though a tear runs down his cheek, but he smiles none the less and Jesper smiles too, using the pad of his thumb to wipe the tear away and cup Wylan’s face.

Jesper kisses him, then joins him on the ledge, entwining their fingers together. They sit and watch the city below, Wylan’s head resting on his shoulder, they stay like that for a while before Jesper had to pry a sleepy Wylan down to the workshop so they can fall into bed together and doze into the next morning

[itsaash]

unsatisfyingly satisfying: part 3/3

Today, for @noots-fic-fests, the final installment in this series, rated E and it's pure Coops, characterizations by @lumosinlove. THANK YOU for any and all support of this lil fic which it turns out means rather a lot to me. part 1 (reading here let's you get the jist, while avoiding the E parts of sirius/OFC) part 2 or all of it on ao3 here

Sirius and Remus got through the rest of their evening without being asked for any selfies or autographs, and managed to not run into any more exes. Ordering room service to the room may have helped avoid this. 

“How did it happen anyways?”

Sirius looked up from behind his burger. They were sitting on the floor of their hotel room, eating, tv on in the background.

“Quoi?”

“How did you end up in bed with Rebecca? I’ve never found myself in that situation. Always knew I wasn’t up for it.” Remus shrugged. “We don’t have to talk about it, but I have to admit I’m still thinking about it.”

“Thinking about it like you want to invite them over, or thinking about it like you’re jealous?” Sirius quipped. 

“Neither, asshole,” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m just trying to understand the wilds that were your mind back then.” 

“I don’t even know, Re,” Sirius sighed. He popped the last bit of burger into his mouth and chewed while he looked up at the beige ceiling, thinking. “I could hardly think in a straight line back then, I was so tied up in knots. Lots of guilt and pressure and shame and so so many ‘shoulds.’” 

Remus nodded. “You thought you should like women. Like Claire said, the comphet comes for all of us at some point.”

Sirius nodded. He draped an arm over one bent knee and Remus reached out and held his dangling fingers gently as Sirius spoke. “That was definitely part of it. Just pressing down the thoughts I had about guys until they were as small as possible. Doing mental gymnastics to explain them away. I really thought I just needed to find the right girl, and for an evening I thought Rebecca might be that, so that was part of what got us into the room, I think.”

“I’m sorry the world told you you needed to do that, baby,” Remus said gently. 

Sirius quirked half a smile at him. “Well, I got there eventually, dieu merci.”

“Oui,” Remus smiled back. “Fuckin eventually. ” He dropped his head backwards and sighed. “And, ok, I am a bit jealous.” Sirius barked out a laugh. “Really? Pourquoi? Tu es l’amour de ma vie… you know that, right?” he said, trailing his fingertips up Remus’ forearm. 

“Toi aussi, baby. I love you so much. But … it really sucked watching you with girls all those years. And I had no claim on you then, but, still.”

“I get it. If you had had a boyfriend I would’ve hated that.” Remus snorted. “You would have been so mean to him. Captain stares across nachos. RBF over fries.” “Definitely,” Sirius agreed. He scooted over to sit beside Remus, both their backs resting back against the bed. He wrapped his arm around Remus’ shoulders and pulled him in towards his side. “I’ll tell you anything you want, if that helps. It was very not great.” “It seems Rebecca would disagree on that.” Sirius scrubbed a hand over his face. “I honestly was surprised she said that. I guess focusing on her, or any of the girls, was a way to not focus on what I was feeling. Or not feeling.”

Remus just nodded, his head tucked into the warmth of Sirius’ shoulder. 

“Tell me a bit about the night? Maybe if I do know about it, I’ll stop thinking about it.”

Sirius nodded and took a moment to remember. “We spent a lot of time in the hotel bar with James. Playing pool, talking, having fun. Having James there absolutely was part of the reason I got comfortable with her. It was an annoying weekend of photo shoots and interviews. There were some drinks. I think there was juggling?”

“Juggling? Juggling what ?” Remus laughed. 

“Random things. Coasters, probably a shoe.” Remus laughed, picturing it. “And I’m sure you were the best at all of that and won her right over with your skill.” “No way, she beat me at pool and juggling. But I beat Pots, so that was ok.” Remus turned to look at him. “Really? She was better than you?” “At juggling?” Sirius gave Remus a funny look. “Yeah.”

Remus stood up, going for the suitcase. “Let’s see it.” “What?” Sirius laughed. 

“Your juggling. You didn’t even have to be amazing at it for her to want you? I want to see how you look when you’re juggling.”

Sirius shook his head, but stood and cleared away the tray with their plates on it. Remus gathered enough balls of socks and gave three to Sirius while he started to toss his own. He tossed two in one hand, then the other, looking at Sirius the whole time. Sirius rolled his eyes. 

“Of course you’re already good at this.”

“Julian and I would do this together!” Remus laughed. “So let’s see you, Cap.”

Sirius tossed one sock up and immediately dropped the other two. 

And again. And again. His socks ended up on the floor as Remus watched with a smirk on his lips. 

“Tabarnak .”

“Impressive pick up technique, I can see clearly why this worked so well,” Remus deadpanned.

“I think it was more than my juggling. ” Sirius said, keeping his eyes on the socks. 

“I’m sure it was. Maybe you turned around when you picked up the socks so you could show off Canada’s ass? Or did you add in a bend and snap?”

“Fuck you.”

After a few minutes he started to get the rhythm, the toss up, pass over, knew which sock to watch at what time. Remus juggled his socks easily, and Sirius caught his three in his hands after a few successful rounds around.

“You win, you win. But I can do it now at least.”

“Not bad baby. Quick study, like always.” Remus tossed his socks neatly into the suitcase. “What happened next?”

A lump rose is Sirius’ throat at the heat behind Remus’ words. 

“Are you sure you’re only a little jealous?” Sirius said quietly, pushing. “That someone else had their hands on me?” Remus closed the distance between them in two quick strides and had Sirius’ jaw in his hands and their lips crashing together before Sirius could feel satisfaction at having successfully riled up his husband. Remus pushed him backwards until Sirius’ back hit a wall, and he spread his feet apart to bring their lips to the same level. Remus kept his hands cupping Sirius’ jaw the whole time they kissed, tongues diving in and out of each other’s mouths. 

“This actually is what happened next,” Sirius murmured, heart beating fast. 

“Yeah?” Remus breathed into his mouth. 

“Yeah. Except I was tense and overthinking every movement of my lips, instead of turned on. And it was against the door, not a wall.”

Remus broke away just long enough to turn them and guide Sirius against the door, pressing him into it with a thunk. He clicked off the overhead lights while he was at it, and plunged back into the kiss. 

“Mine,” Remus said, hardly louder than a breath. A tingle travelled up Sirius’ spine and he moaned into the kiss. 

“For always,” Sirius agreed. Remus moved onto Sirius’ neck and collarbones, biting and sucking in a way that Sirius knew would leave marks and he loved that almost as much as the overwhelming feeling of Remus’ lips on his neck.

“What next?” Remus asked. Sirius shook his head to bring himself back to the world of coherent speech.  

“Um, she knelt down and kissed my stomach.” Remus felt Sirius tighten up and he stopped sucking a mark into his collarbone, instead drew Sirius’ earlobe into his mouth and whispered, “was that a bad thing?”

“Non, no, not bad. I just never let myself have that, before? It felt too easy and like too much to ask and I was very concerned about what they’d tell their friends.”

“That makes sense, baby.” Remus turned pressing Sirius into the door into more of a hug than a makeout position and Sirius relaxed in his arms. “And the piece of me that apparently is territorial of you is extremely glad I got to be your first.”

Remus bent one graceful leg underneath himself, lowered to one knee, and then the other. He trailed his hands down Sirius’ sides and belly, fingertips light over his abs. He ran his hands up and under Sirius’ shirt, hooked them into the tops of his pants as he kissed Sirius’ stomach. 

“Not to get caught up in the details of this admittedly strange role play, but can I actually suck you?”

Sirius’ breath caught and he let out a little gasp as Remus’ fingertips trailed over his zipper. “Yeah, Re, yeah, you can.”

So he did.

Sirius let his head rest back against the door, let himself just feel . Feel the pleasure building, the way that wet heat could make his brain turn off, thoughts didn’t need to spin around his mind when he was in Remus’ mouth. He looked down then, threading a hand through Remus’ hair, taking in the sight of Remus with his eyes closed, working so hard for him, lips spread. Sirius knew he would be consciously relaxing his throat, breathing in time with his thrusts, all that effort for Sirius, just for Sirius to feel good. And it felt so good.

“Yes, mon loup,” Sirius said, voice low. “That’s so good. Do you feel good?” he asked.

Remus opened his eyes at that and looked up and Sirius’ heart skipped a beat at the view, an even more clear image of his cock pressing into Remus mouth. Remus moved back until the tip was just resting on his bottom lip.

“Mmmhmm, so good baby, you feel amazing,”

Sirius groaned and thrust forwards and Remus received him eagerly, still looking up at him. Sirius tugged his hair just a bit more, both hands now, pushing his hips forwards and back, heat building in his gut and up his spine. He made himself stop, mostly threw himself back into the door while keeping his hands in Remus’ hair to keep him away. Remus reached forward with his mouth, still in the rhythm they had been building, but Sirius held him back, gasping. 

“Are we keeping this going? You want to know what happened next?” Sirius panted. “Or are you satisfied that it’s only you I want?”

Remus smirked up at him. “Yeah? You only want my mouth?”

Sirius groaned. “ Fuck , Remus,” he hauled him up for a deep and dirty kiss. “Yes, of course I only want you. Je t’aime à la folie,” he said between kisses, “tu es mon âme sœur, my soulmate , Remus, it's you.”

“Je t’aime à la folie aussi,” Remus said, more slowly, but with just as much feeling and truth behind it as Sirius had. Sirius smiled at Remus speaking French and at Remus’ red lips, swollen from kissing, and just at Remus. “But, I do want to keep going. It’s… kind of fun? To pretend we’re having a hotel hookup? Except I actually really love you? And some territorial part of me does want to touch every part of you anyone else did,” he trailed his fingertips along Sirius’ jaw. “Claim every part of you.” “You have me.”

“I know. What’s next?”

Sirius walked him backwards to the bed, halfway giddy at the intersection of memories. At the wish that he could show his past self the future, this future, of his beautiful husband in his arms, stripping his shirt off and tracing hard lines of muscles. Height and build smaller than him, but not by much. Remus had shown him time and time again that he could manhandle Sirius just fine. But tonight, Sirius was overcome by the desire to claim this present. To claim his desire for sex and make it his own, to claim his husband for the sake of his past self who had hardly been able to place even the smallest stake in want. He had feared every want, afraid a blowjob would make him an asshole. Afraid his teammates would somehow know if he had ass sex and they’d hate him for it.  Afraid that if he let his gaze linger on a man, or pulled one aside at a bar, that he’d be immediately kicked out of hockey. 

But then Remus had been before him and said, for me, it’d be worth it, and now Remus was under his lips, as Sirius attacked his neck and jaw with love, so so thankful that they had plunged into this together. They fumbled with each other’s pants until they dropped to the floor and they held onto each other as they each stepped out of their clothes. Sirius whispered a jump and then Remus’ ass was cupped in his palms and their lips were entangled in a deep kiss. Sirius loved how he had to work a bit to hold Remus, it wasn’t hard but it wasn’t easy. Nothing in life that was worth doing was easy and Remus was worth every effort and Sirius was happy to expend the effort. He plunged his tongue deeper, licked across the top of Remus’ mouth. Remus moaned and moved his hips in response and Sirius wanted . 

He tossed Remus onto the bed and the mattress bounced impressively. Sirius was on top of him not a second later, moaning into the kiss when Remus wrapped his legs around his hips. They kissed and moved for awhile, just enjoying each other, the heat of desire pooling in his belly but not growing. 

“Was she a good kisser?” Remus asked, panting slightly.

Sirius couldn’t help but laugh. “Re, mon coeur, I have no idea.” He peppered kisses along Remus’ jaw, which was just slightly rough. “I was so in my head I wouldn’t have known a good kisser if they had jumped up and bit me.” Remus laughed and turned his head to take Sirius’ earlobe into his teeth and bite. “We were laying just like this, you on top of me, the first time we kissed,” Remus murmured into Sirius’ ear. 

Sirius’ eyes tingled with the promise of tears at the thought. Something about seeing Rebecca again made the past and present overlap tonight, like he could feel both at the same time. How scared he had been to kiss Remus that night, but how hopeful making a different wish on his birthday candles had made him. “Best kiss of my life,” Sirius replied. 

“Me too.” They gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment, then Sirius sighed and pushed himself up. He found his phone and scrolled for their shared sex playlist. The one that if they got a notification the other had added a song they knew they’d be on each other the moment they were behind a closed door. Sirius smiled to himself at this small intimacy and tracked down the lube and a towel. Remus continued speaking. “Even if I was more than a bit in shock that it was happening at all.” He was trailing his fingertip across his stomach as he watched Sirius moving around the room. “I remember the feel of your thigh between my legs and that felt so good, just that. That’s something I have to agree with Rebecca on, you’ve always been stupidly good in bed, from the first time.” Sirius brought the bottle back to bed, shaking his head. 

“Me? Mon loup, you. Only you. It was only for you that I've ever been good for. Only you that made me so hard and desperate I have to clutch you to me and chase it.” 

Remus’ cheeks were pink, from the kissing, from the memory. Sirius pressed kisses to each of his cheeks, slicked his fingers from the pump bottle and trailed them along Remus’ ass. Remus quivered beneath him, dropping his head back, and here, with one hand cupping his husband’s beautiful face, and two fingers tracing the soft skin inside him, Sirius felt fully himself. Remus always made him feel like himself, but juxtaposing it with his past made it feel even more sharply perfect. A happiness sharp enough to cut him, but safe enough that he knew he could lean into it and feel nothing but love. It felt so good goosebumps erupted over his skin.

“You feel so good,” Sirius hummed into Remus’ ear. “Thank the fucking gods I met you in the bar today.” Happiness and love that were safe enough to play with. 

Remus locked eyes with him and the desire there sharpened into mischief. Sirius loved that look, the half smile that came over Remus’ mouth. “Thankfully you’re better at this than juggling, eh? I was worried there for a minute you wouldn’t be able to coordinate kissing and fingering at the same time.”

“Ohhh, fuck you,” Sirius laughed, and dove into a kiss, while spreading his fingers and pumping them in and out, making Remus gasp.

“Yes please,” he managed to say with still a hint of a smirk.

Sirius continued to show off his coordination by adding another finger and bringing his other hand down to Remus’ balls and rolling his own hips against Remus’ thigh and kissing him deeply. Remus was starting to go limp with pleasure below him, gasping and moaning into his kisses. Sirius didn’t break the kiss as he got more lube onto himself and got between Remus’ legs.

“Ready, handsome? You want a condom?” Sirius asked, not touching him now, just a hair's breadth away from joining them together, but having to take the moment to play. 

“Oh my fucking god Sirius, get into me,” Remus said, reaching for his hips. But at this angle he didn’t have the leverage to pull Sirius forwards when Sirius was holding himself back. 

“You sure? I’ll wear one. I’ve never fucked anyone else without a condom.” He still said it playfully, but gazed into Remus’ eyes, reminding him of the reality beneath their game. Remus was the one, the only.

“Me neither. I’m sure,” Remus said softly, and Sirius let himself be pulled forwards and they both gasped as he pressed into Remus. They hadn’t had a thought or mention of condoms in ages, but taking the time to remember why they didn’t need to, the contrast to the past, made the slide in feel all the better. Hot and wet and completely different than it had been with anyone else. Not that he'd had anyone else like this before, had never let himself ask. But now he was inside his beautiful husband whose body pulled him in deeper with each stroke, who met him thrust for thrust, who knew just how tightly to hold Sirius’ hair to make him moan. He could want and he could have . 

And so he had , they went through loverboy and shivers, and then loving is easy made Sirius throw his head back and laugh at the joy of being in love and being in the moment and being with his person. Remus looped a hand behind his neck and smiled into his mouth as they moved together. “You almost, uh, there baby?” he said into his mouth. “Is this the position you liked with…” Sirius smiled to himself. Remus didn’t even want to say anyone else’s name, didn’t want to invoke anyone else when they were like this, as close as two people could be. 

“I like you,” Sirius said nonsensically, pressing his lips into Remus’ cheeks as he huffed out breaths, pleasure starting to crest up his spine. He felt Remus shift though, felt his mouth open as if to ask a question. He stilled and took a deep breath to push the wave of release away, for now. 

“D’accord d’accord, no, beautiful man who I met today and yet am, for some reason, replaying a night from years ago with, this isn’t how we did it.” He leaned back just enough to let Remus’ leg that had been over his shoulder pass in front of him, and guided Remus to spin on his cock, lifting his hips up until he could get his knees under him. Sirius pressed back in fully, hard. Remus gasped at the new angle, the ability to speak coherent words quickly fucked out of him. Sirius draped his body heavily over Remus so he could speak right into his ear.

“I had to get her like this so I could pretend it was you.”

Remus threw his head back and gasped, panting with every deep, hard thrust Sirius gave him. Sirius stayed with his chest bent over Remus’ back, tall enough to still be able to move and hit the spot that made Remus see stars and yell. Sirius reveled in every noise he wrung out of him, loved the firm torso under his arms, loved the sharp nipples that he rolled under his fingers, loved this man . 

“Yes, Sirius, yes, I’m gonna …” Remus gasped out. “There, baby, more, yes,” his words flowed out of him in a breathy babble. With a loud, “I love you!” Remus was coming. 

The contrast washed over Sirius in a wave of emotion. How no matter who he was doing this with, he had wanted to please them, yet with Remus it was completely different. He wasn’t trying to check a box, he wasn’t overthinking or worrying or planning. He was tuned in to the movements and sounds of the man he loved, the person who loved him, and their love weaved between them as pleasure. Taking pleasure only for himself wouldn't even cross his mind. But following his lover over the edge of orgasm, that was as easy as breathing, as real as the pull Remus’ body had on Sirius’ cock, as natural as coming hard in response to the tightness of Remus’ body.

“Re, je t’aime!” Sirius gasped back, and bit down into Remus’ trap as his hips stuttered and the waves crested again for both of them. Remus pushed his hips back as the dredges of his second wave tingled down his spine, just as Sirius pressed forwards, and they collapsed together; Sirius deep inside, on top of and firmly inside Remus. And he never needed anything else. Nothing had crossed his mind through this whole evening other than the sensations that Remus’ body, Remus’ very being, could and did wring from him with every touch. 

Sirius couldn’t help but push forwards one more time, chasing any drop of that perfect feeling, and Remus gasped in oversensitivity, but also arched his back, meeting Sirius’ thrust. “Holy shit,” Remus eloquently muttered into the pillow sometime later. “How do you always make it so good? I felt like I was coming forever.” Sirius’ heart was near to bursting with pride and love. 

“It’s all you, love. Only you.”

Remus hummed in response and they stayed like that, Sirius pressing Remus down so completely into the mattress with his full body weight, but he knew Remus could take it, and he didn’t want to ever move. But when his English had returned he asked, “do you believe me now? That it’s only you? That it’s only you I’ve ever loved, ever felt like this? Other people maybe touched my body, but only you get my heart.”

Remus ducked his head against the sheets, cheeks red. “I always believed you, baby. I just also had some jealousy come over me for no good reason.” Sirius nuzzled his ear with a smile. “I’m not complaining, I’ll fuck you like that any time you want. If there’s anything from your past that you want to re-do with me, you just tell me when.”

Remus laughed and it reverberated through both of them. He turned his neck back to the side so they could rest their faces together. They knew if either of them moved, Sirius would slip out, so they stayed still, breathing each other in, the pounding of their hearts slowing.

“And it’s not just ‘cause you’re a guy,” Sirius said, apropos of nothing.

“Hmmm?” Remus hummed, eyes still closed. 

“Well obviously I like your body the way it is, I’m gay, but it’s not just that.” “Baby, what?” Remus laughed, opening his eyes. “You have me very convinced that you like my body, I know this.”

Sirius huffed a laugh and tried to say what he meant. “Ok, so I know I’m gay, and you’re hot, so of course I like your body. But even though you’re the only guy I’ve been with, I know it’s all of you. Even if I had hookups with other guys, there’s no one else that would have wanted me, and not ‘Gryffindor Lions center Sirius Black’.”

“I don’t think that’s true, baby, you’re so amazing. I’m sure other people would have realised that, if you had been able to let them in.”

“Ok, maybe, whatever, but I didn’t need to keep trying girls until I found the right one, and it wasn’t that I just needed a man. I needed you. I need you .”

“Oh baby,” Remus murmured, and finally turned in Sirius’ arms so they could be pressed chest to chest, their legs tangled and arms wrapped tight around each other. They traced light fingertips along the other’s back and sides, and both of them broke into goosebumps, shivering and melting into each other. 

“I need you too. You’re all I’ll ever need.”

Sirius hummed happily and tucked his face into Remus’ neck. Both of their eyes drifted closed and they rested in each other’s arms, satisfied. 

[wackywheel]

what is rhsmp??

hi anon! you have invoked the beast with this innocuous ask! thank you :)

rhsmp, or Roughhouse SMP was an smp run by and played on by, as you'd assume, roughhouse! the server started in late october of 2020, and... didn’t really formally conclude? i’m pretty sure the server itself is offline, but it remained playable for nearly a full YEAR after launch. for those unaware, roughhouse is a group of streamers/content creators who mostly met on/during smplive/smpearth. while some friendships predated both servers, the group really only came together during smplive, and finalized being solidified during smpearth. here's their yt channel for their podcast! (their podcast thats sort of on hiatus but its ok its fine its fine we're coping its fine)

while most of the server's run was it simply being a normal minecraft smp for the group, as well as a few friends of the group at the time, such as crumb, sophietexas, a LOT of their s/o's, and fuckin. rav the rapper of all people. yes, as in that rav the one that was on epicsmp.

like most collaborative cc content from 2020 (ie; smpearth, earlier dsmp vods, sbirust) as you'd expect, most of the vods are lost! yipee (derogatory!) the key word there, though, is most. luna and poke have every single one of their vods fully archived! everyone please thank luna and poke. for highlight videos, again, luna and poke are absolutely carrying, especially in luna's case. they have a TON of older rhsmp highlight videos you can find on their main channel! poke also has a few highlight videos, as does james. (...on the topic of james, though, finding those videos may be a bit tricky. the guy privated all of his main channel videos, so the only way to watch his stuff is to either use this archive channel that someone set up (with the downside of the videos being in 360p at best,) or to ermm maybe? maybe join this discord?? and ask for the james archive? and about rhsmp? totally not me shamelessly plugging it?) every other pov, though, has sadly been lost to time. F in chat and the like.

but, enough about vods and lost media, let's talk LORE! rhsmp really didn't start out with intended lore, nor was it ever scripted or acted out, but it very much WAS present, whether it be in the background for the majority of the smp, or right in the forefront right near the end of it.

the two biggest and most noteworthy instances of lore imo were the Console War and The Forbidden Blade of Roughhousia.

let's start with the first one. the Console War was a short, one stream or so long altercation that involved luna building a GIANT XBOX Series X to rival michael's giant and just a little bit ugly PS5 in spawn. it wasn't entirely a "war" in the sense of there being battles, but more in the sense of destruction and petty, low blows. an ingame cat kicks the bucket. an important structure blows up. a god causes problems on purpose. y'know, normal stuff!

speaking of a god, let's talk about The Forbidden Blade of Roughhousia! rhsmp's server admin was the one and only ogbeefstew, and if you're familiar with him already, you likely know what i'm about to describe. for those unfamiliar though, i'll summarize; beef is a silly little quirky fucking unhinged creature. and we love him for that <3 during the server's white elephant gift exchange, beef's gift that he inadvertently submitted by proxy of luna was. uh.

this! the forbidden blade! forged by a god! offered up to mortals as if it were nothing more than a toothpick! i don't think any form of me trying to summarize the impact of this item would do it much justice, so i'll just link poke's vod of the gift exchange to let you watch the carnage yourself. (the sword itself comes into play around the 2:49:00 mark) aside from that though, beef has actually talked about the server's lore in retrospect! a friend and i have been trying to track down the instance in a vod of luna's so obv take this with a grain of "source: dude trust me" flavored salt, but the jist of it is that when the sword was finally broken, the server would either end or reset into a new world. very cool stuff for something as small as a friend group smp!

EDIT: the clip in question has been found! you can watch it here! the jist of the clip is that luna, beef, and dink were discussing how they would theoretically ‘reboot’ the world for a season 2. beef suggested that whoever had ended up with the sword would end up snapping and killing everyone, including beef, the admin. this would then reset the world. how? idk lol

now, with all of that being said, should you watch rhsmp? if you're okay with only having two solid povs at your disposal, then sure!

if you do seriously want to watch this server/series, i would mostly recommend luna's pov of highlights, as its a nice intro into the funny little world that had been built up. if you're dedicated or curious enough about the lore, their vods channel is also the first place i'd recommend you start, before moving on to poke's.

tl;dr- god i love it when minecraft servers accidentally get a crazy compelling storyline that very few people ever know about after the server closes. i love having all of this knowledge trapped in my brain. please watch rhsmp. help me.

[ask-the-shorty-squad]

Mrs. Yumi, might I ask of the story of the first Hanamura? I've heard it being spoken about but I never fully understood the tale.

"Well then. Let me tell you a story.. Long ago, in the years of kingdoms, villages, and just a little more, this world use to be filled with magic of many. Those born with and without lived in peace for many years. There was one who was born with a unique type however. Magic made not from the body, but from the mind. Her name was Hastu Hanamura. She was the first of the Hanamura Family. With her abilities she helped and assisted those in need. She was adore by many. However, there were others who didn't take very kindly to her powers. Most were those who weren't born without magic and were driven by jealousy and hatred for those who were born with magic. Especially Hastu's. They spread rumors and misinformation causing multiple fights between those with and without powers. Eventually war struck. Hastu made a swift escape away from her home. Leaving with the title of the only one left with magic. Years went by and Hastu married and had 4 children 2 sons and 2 daughters. They noticed something unique with their daughters however. They had similar abilities to Hastu as well as abilities that were slightly different. As it turns out her magic is passed down to the daughters of future generations so that her powers may continue to thrive throughout the years. As time went by, many children had been born into the family and all the daughters were given special abilities. When I was born I was a late bloomer, obtaining my powers at the age of 13 which made it a little harder to get the hang of on my part especially sense I was at the age where my body was basically fighting itself. Eventually I got the jist of it and was able to control them no problem. Years pass and I meet my baby boy's excuse of a human much less a father and at first he didn't seem all that bad. Sure he had a bit of a temper but I never saw anything else wrong. We sort of rushed it when it cam to relationships and married after dating for about 9 months. The main reason we married being he got me pregnant a month before. Sometimes I wonder whether it was the biggest mistake of my life or the best decision of my life. I'll go with both. We didn't do well as a married couple. He was known for being a player of sorts and sleeping with many women. I knew about it but I didn't say much of anything. I don't know why. He ended up getting another woman pregnant and had the audacity to leave her children to me. Those children were brats but Teru felt some sort of sympathy for them. They were his half siblings after all. So I suck it up and cared for them as if they were my own. I remember during those days when the kids were at school and the piece of filth was out doing something, I would go to the local Café and meet up with an old friends. Hiroko. She was the one person I could talk to in times of need. And after a few days she convinced me to finally divorce my wretched husband. I have no clue why I even stayed married to him. I used to worry about my son and wondered how he would grow up without a father, but after I saw with my own eyes the horrid things he did to my baby boy, I realized that... he doesn't need a father, he just need someone who'll love and support him through and through. And that man was not the person to do so. Ever since that day. we've been living much happier. Any questions?"

. . . . .

"I was expecting that sort of reaction, it's not the most commonly told tale so to hear the whole of it is a shock."

Holy crap. Teru's told me small bits of it but I never thought I'd hear the whole tale.

I think I actually have a book about it. It goes into a lot of detail especially about the war.

[leophnyx]

Soul: The other day I caught wind of an atheist/skeptic video and decided to watch it. There's an interesting part where the hosts talk to a guy who holds simulation theory type beliefs (specifically that he can alter reality with certain methods) and the hosts rip into him pretty hard, but in the end conclude that even though they view what he's doing as a waste of time, he should at least be going at it in a scientific manner: identifying which methods would be most likely to get their end result, and discarding those that don't.

It oddly enough, reassured me and my beliefs about shifting, because I've been worrying whether I'd been going about it too scientifically. But no, that is exactly how you're supposed to go about it. I'm not in the wrong.

However, it did highlight just what I can't stand about the atheist mindset. (And fair note, this is coming from an apatheist so it's not out of my lane.)

They go on talking about truth being the most important thing and how what the person believes is a waste of time, and how he should be staying in material reality. I don't believe in what the guy is saying, but I don't see it as a waste of time as he'll still be doing stuff. He'll still be making friends, he'll still be working on other skills along those, he's not 100% wasting his time there. He's aware his goals are unlikely, showing that he isn't getting his hopes up, and as long as he's not trying anything dangerous there's very little harm to be had.

A part that I don't remember much now, but kinda got the jist of was this air that people should be almost forced to think critically about their beliefs. People will naturally question their beliefs given time and any sort of (non-threatening) contradictions; people who don't at all are the anomaly, not the rule. If that wasn't the case, atheists or even other belief systems wouldn't exist at all, people would remain in the religion they're in all their lives, and never deviate from their paths. (A lot of people do remain in their birth religions, but that's usually due to lack of exposure to other religions, not critical thinking.) You don't need to force critical thinking on most people, and those that refuse it often have deeper problems leading to that refusal.

I also think a lot of atheism neglects the fact that neurology exists, and that people will still be this way even if you teach critical thinking and rationality. Like, people are always going to believe in the paranormal or superstitious because that's an element of human thinking and neurology that is critical to human survival. You're never going to have a perfect society where everyone is rational and no religion exists, because that's fundamentally going against biology in the same way me claiming I have NO biases whatsoever would be. It's human.

And ultimately, the push for truth above all else... I don't agree with lying to people, obviously, but the heavy-handed approach and appeal to rationality make me a bit uncomfortable. They emphasize truth as if it's the one important thing in life, but different people have different ideas of what is important to them. For me, truth is important but many things rank above that, like food and friendships. But also, dumping truth on some things can be rough and like awakening a sleepwalking person - I can't feel comfortable doing that. Like for example, it may not be true that Sarah's hamster ran away, but telling her her cat tore it to shreds might destroy her.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding what truth means, or maybe I'm taking it too literally? But then, if truth means "staying in this reality and being scientific and reality-based"we just loop back to my prior points about how human beings will naturally question and think about their beliefs but are still not entirely wired for complete and utter rationality, even if you teach it.

But ultimately, a lot of how they talk about truth just reminds me of how Christians talk about God. What's more important than truth God? If what you're doing isn't leading you to truth God, your activities are a waste of time. You must remain grounded in the material spiritual world, or else you can never know truth God.

No wonder I outgrew these people.

[dearestm0th3r]

When the moon became an eye

Continued

-since we are nearing the end of school. Vanessa stared at me; I was creeped out for a second but then she spoke, “Did you see the moon last night?” I was creeped out HEAVILY now; the look in her eyes was piercing, her eyes did not move at all and her pupils were tiny. “No I didn’t see it last night, why do you ask?” I answered with another question; she shook her head and laughed a bit, “Sorry..” she paused. “I only ask because she looked like she was dying.” She abruptly stated, chuckling to herself, “Oh? What do you mean ‘she’?” I asked. She coughed, “Well I mean that the moon looked like it was fading. Last night was a supermoon which is, of course, a very noticeably bright moon. But if it was a bright moon, where was the light? Where did the mother moon's brightness go when she was supposed to be shining her brightest? Is all hope lost? Is this a sign from the gods that we have messed up? Is the world going to end? If we lose the moon how will Earth continue? This is what I mean Nayana.” She rambled, her eyes shaking and her voice giving out; I got up and asked, “Miss, please may I go to the bathroom?” Mrs. Leciz gave me a thumbs up, I turned to Vanessa, “Please excuse me.. lady issues you know.” I walked away before Vanessa said anything even crazier, I walked out of the class not even wanting to return to the class that held that girl in it. What did she mean, why did she refer to the moon as “mother”, “she”, is she in some kind of cult of something.. I mean she’s not wrong, it was supposed to be a supermoon last night and there was no light. But I think I just saw things... I walked into the bathroom, going to the sink just to take a breather and throw some water on my face. I walked out of the restroom not feeling ready to face this girl that is possibly clinically insane, I knocked on the door to get let in. A guy opened the door, I walked back to my seat next to Vanessa, “Can you maybe explain what you meant Vanessa..?” I asked because curiosity was getting the better of me, “What are you talking about, let me do my work” she scoffed. I looked at her with wide eyes, did this girl not remember what just happened a couple of minutes ago she was just shaki-

~RING~

Never mind... there’s the bell.

—

Walking to my next class, I finally get to see Elise and Lily; literally need to talk to them right now. I’ve missed them so much, there was a three-day weekend due to a professional duty day for the teachers. Elise got her phone taken away because she snuck out again and got caught AGAIN! Lily is a horrible responder, she ghosts everybody she talks to without meaning to; she’s just constantly busy with her boyfriend. Her and her boyfriend, Luis have been dating since 7th grade, so that’s what… 4 years! Good for them I guess, but I think all the school guys are just.. Immature and not worth my time. “Hey Nay!”, a voice from behind me spoke; my back was tackled playfully. I looked behind me and it was Elise! “Hey Eli, I’ve missed you so much” I gave her a hug, “Girllll- It’s only been a couple days!” She laughingly replied, I rolled my eyes heavily; “True true, have you seen Lily?” I asked, as I really missed her. “Yea, she’s with her boyfriend right now, let’s just get to class” She said in a hurry, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to our next class. Earth Science. It’s an alright class. The teacher I find, Mr. Arcarya, is a little out of it; he’s a 78 year old man who talks to himself constantly. He is a widower so I guess that’s expected for him, especially at such a senile age. Poor guy though, I know he’s trying his best. We finally arrived at the classroom door, it’s nicely decorated because he really doesn’t care what his students do, so he lets them decorate his door. There’s some cute science related stickers; like a DNA, the periodic table, you get the jist of it right? His door was already propped open so we just walked in, the classroom had big windows, though it’s very gloomy in here today. Me and Elise walked past his desk talking in sync, “Good Morning Mr. Arcarya” he nodded his head and went back to reading his book. We both walked to the back of the class and unpacked our stuff; I looked at Elise, “Seriously where is Lily, she has 1 minute left before the bell rings.” Elise just shrugged in the end, “I’m really not sure Nay.” But just at that moment, “Hey guys!” It was Lily! Lily sat down with us, wearing the cutest outfit as she usually does of course, pink skirt with a cute crop top reading, “Angel” I think it describes her well, she’s always been one of the sweetest people ever. I just worry for her, she’s so easy to be taken advantage of since everyone knows she still has the mind of a 9 year old. “Class let’s get started, we are going to continue what we were taking notes on yesterday, the moon; how exciting..” Our teacher spoke sounding SO excited to be continuing to “teach” us. All he makes us do is take notes, I wouldn’t count it as teaching in all honesty, everyone in the class usually just slacks off to do work, or if you’re Elise you just scroll on Instagram. The moon was something I was always interested in though, most people think the moon is an asteroid but it’s truly a natural satellite. Speaking of the moon, I still wonder what Vanessa was on about; I mean she isn’t wrong, last night was supposed to be a full supermoon. Yet there was no light? “LOOK OUTSIDE!” One of my classmates yelled, my heart dropped... It was snowing. White, pure, soft snow falling from the sky. It was the middle of the end of spring. We live in Missouri, this is not what is supposed to happen; it was heavy snow, nothing light. What is happening? “This is freaky.. What is happening?” Lily spoke, she seemed scared; I would be too in all honesty. Elise held Lily’s hand in comfort, “Everything will be okay Lils, I’m sure the weather is just acting a little freaky is all.” I spoke, trying to reassure her of the crazy weather going on outside. Lily had always been scared of little things, but for once I could agree with her this was more than just a little thing; especially since she knows how freaked out I get about the end of the world. It was only the second period for crying out loud and yet this is the freakiest day I’ve had in my whole life.

The class sat there for what felt like an eternity, just watching the snow fall; probably still in disbelief. We were all reassuring Lily that it was probably just something minor causing the strange weather.

The announcements finally came on; beeping loudly.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

“GOOD MORNING STUDENTS, AS YOU CAN SEE WE ARE HAVING SOME.. INTERESTING WEATHER THIS MORNING. PARENTS HAVE ALREADY CALLED CONCERNING THE WEATHER, DUE TO THE FREAK OUT WE ARE DECIDING TO SEND YOU HOME EARLY.” The announcements screeched loudly, coming to an end. “Alright class, please stay safe and pack up so we can all get the hell out of here.” Mr. Arcaya spoke quickly, running over to his desk to pack up all of this stuff; which was kind of disturbing to see him running around frantically. “Did he just abandon us?” Elise spoke, “We haven’t even been dismissed yet?” Lily spoke, obviously confused. “Elise, Lily, we gotta get out of here, we can take my car.” I turned around looking at them, giving them those eyes of worrisome. We left the class frantically after packing up our things, we were all just free to leave, all three of us walked out the school getting through the snow starting to pile up on the road. I got in the drivers side, Lily sat in the back while Elise sat beside me; we just need to get out of here. “Let’s go to your house Nay, Lily have you texted your boyfriend to let him know you’re with us? He’s probably worried about you.” Elise spoke as I started to pull out the parking spot. “Yea I’ll text him right now” Lily spoke, pulling out her phone; the drive was quiet. “Crosses” by José González played over the radio on the way over to the house. It was quiet, I think they were just in disbelief that it was still snowing outside. Is this what Vanessa was talking about? Is this the end? What about the moon? What was she talking about.. There are still so many unanswered questions that I have, but nobody can answer them. But I guess none of my questions are impossible anymore since it’s snowing outside. We arrived at my house, Elise and Lily getting out of the car in sync while I had to take a quick breather, I reassured them I’d be fine and that I just needed a minute to myself. “What is happening, why is it snowing.. Maybe it’s just global warming?” I talked to myself, feeling no better than Mr. Arcaya. I stepped out of the car, taking my stuff with me from out of the car, just as Elise and Lily did and escaped into my house so I could get away from this.. “Snow”. I met Elise and Lily inside of the house, “My mom said she would come get me and Elise so we will hang out here for now until she comes.” Lily spoke to me, “Alright, that’s fine..” I didn’t want them to leave in all honesty, I was scared I would never see them again. It really felt like the end of the world and I didn’t wanna stress my mother out by telling her what was happening just 5 feet beyond the wall she laid upon. I went to go check on my mother, just to make sure she was alright; I knocked on the door and walked in, she was asleep so I closed the door not wanting to disturb her sleep. “Elise, my mom is here.” Lily spoke as I walked back into the living room, “Please be safe guys, I don’t know what would happen if I lost you both text me when you both make it home.” I spoke, hugging them both before they walked out my door into the snowy afternoon.

Little did I know this would be the last time I saw either of them.

2/3

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

I Was very much dead before watching the trailer but rn

Dbekwkekwk NIKOLAI

Who let this man be that fucking pretty

BRUH

And then that shot of chuuya

Plz thay was djeiejekekekeos

And dazai

Djsowowowowowkwkwo

I AM AWAKE NOW

And about to go take screenshots of the trailer ao I can have animated nikolai

I just dos my theme like two weeks ago to fit chuuua

I'm gonna abandon him for a bit for nikolai

I've already seen the edits

ppl got on it so fast

No but srsly fyodor o-o rlly be lookin fantastic in the jail... definitely prefer manga fyo to that hot mess o-o

Idk about nikolai voice though- it reminds me of alostar from Hazbin hotel (who I find hot don't get me wrong but idk if I like ot on nikolai)

[mcyt-peach]

Okay I just have this idea in my head🙈 Dream, Wilbur or Karl admiring the reader (idk like on the stream) who is the author of the new fantasy bestsellers, and just gushing about it (maybe in the dono or on reader’s twitter they would be like “Thanks I love your work too ;) “

Haha ok i just love the idea😅🥺

dream, karl and wilbur getting attention from author!reader

⋆｡˚ summary: Dream, Karl and Wilbur send some praise to an author who inspired them, but are surprised to receive to get a response

⋆｡˚ including: cc!dream, cc!karl and cc!wilbur

⋆｡˚ warnings: reader uses they/them pronouns

⋆｡˚ note: this was seriously so cute nonnie!!! I loved coming u with these headcanons :)

Dream

Dream can’t help but brag about his accomplishments and while some may see him as cocky, he really just enjoys sharing how far he’s come

on one of his common twitter benders, he reminisced on the journey the Dream SMP has taken

he thanked his fans for their support and went on to praise the other members who made his success possible

what his followers weren’t expecting was the name of a fantasy author to pop up among his ‘special thanks’ post

“You may never read this, but to Y/n L/n, thank you. Your books have always been an inspiration to me and I’ll never forget your writing. Your stories from the villain's point of view will always be the reason I chose to be “the bad guy” in my own story.”

needless to say, twitter was shocked

without realizing it, he’d dropped a bombshell on your community and his

people were tagging you left and right, trying to get your attention

only an hour later, Sapnap’s busting in through the door, telling Dream to check twitter

he sighs, expecting some sort of drama or canceling, but is more than surprised to see you responding to his tweet

“Someone pinch me, I think I’m dreaming! Can’t believe genius, millionaire Dream thinks my work is anywhere near as good as his world building <3”

he just sets his phone down and covers his face with his hands

he can’t even tell Sapnap off when he says “Man you’re such a simp.”

Karl

Karl had started up stream with the intention of announcing a new season of Tales of the SMP

this inevitably led to people trying to sneak any information they could out of him

who’s going to be in the new season? will Karl lose his memory completely?

you get the jist

he tries to keep as much as he can secret, only answering questions that won’t give too much away

finally he finds a question he likes and lights up

“What inspired my series? That’s a good question! I’m not sure if you guys will know them, but there’s this book by Y/n L/n.”

he goes on to describe one of your earlier novels, where the main character travels through time and struggles with the realities they’re pushed into

it’s been about 5 minutes and he’s still gushing about your writing style

suddenly chat starts speeding by and Karl has no clue you joined until you donate

“Did THE Karl Jacobs of Tales of the SMP just compliment MY work!!! Chat, catch me, I’m swooning.”

the text to speech ends and he’s just staring

wide eyed, jaw on the floor, totally stunned that you were here, watching him

within seconds, he’s giggling and covering his face

“What the honk! How long were you here for?” he hopes you didn’t hear all his ramblings

another dono comes in “Long enough to hear you say such sweet things :)”

Wilbur

while filming Anthony Padilla’s “I spent a day with WILBUR SOOT” video, Wilbur knew there would be lots of questions for him to answer

he went into his music and content, even dipping a bit into his personal life

though he was expecting to talk about his role on the Dream SMP, he was surprised to be asked about his writing process and style instead of the usual questions

“Well, I suppose a lot of my early work was influenced by this wonderful author, Y/n L/n. They write a lot of historical fiction, but with a sort of fantasy element in it. It actually helped me figure out how to use canon lives effectively instead of just pretending characters never die.”

“Sounds like you’re a big fan!” Wilbur only met the comment with a smile, before they moved on to more questions

he didn’t think much of the interaction

in fact, he didn’t think about it at all until the video was released

Wilbur had joined a call with Phil, hoping to have a chill stream before he tucked in for the night

a strange donation came in, alluding to his earlier rant about your work

Phil chimes in too, teasing Wilbur about your response

“What? We’ve never talked before, Phil. I’m just a fan?”

“Mate, they literally just tweeted about you.”

quickly pulling up the app on his phone, he searched for your profile

the latest tweet read “Nearly died when I heard him say my name in Anthony’s video. Can’t believe the guy who made half of the Dream SMP lore is complementing little old me! I’m glad this is a tweet, or I’d be blushing up a storm.”

some of the viewers think the stream’s lagging with how still Wilbur is, just staring at his phone

he looks up to see the messages being sent in, but quickly gets embarrassed and turns to another monitor

“Shut up, chat, I am not turning red.”

[unovanhunny]

I think you should go into detail about the AU

Well, if the co-creator and father of Yammet is asking~ : 3c

The best simple summary I can think of is "What's better than one Yandere with Trauma? Two Yanderes with Trauma! Who desperately love each other and help each other recover from their traumas." Welcome to the Yan4Yan AU~

This is so long help, take a read more

The two main players here are my precious son who I love, YanEmmet, and Tomb's poor baby boy FtW Bad End Ingo, redubbed YanIngo for AU purposes. They've had whole existences before they meet so I'll get into those a bit before we get to the main part of the AU.

YanEmmet loved his brother and confessed to him as much. He said he would be patient and wait for his answer. Unfortunately that answer didn't come, as Ingo was soon eeby deebied back to Hisui with no memories and leaving a very distraught Emmet behind. In the back of his mind, Emmet had convinced himself that Ingo would have accepted him had he not been taken away. Of course that's not the only reason he worked tirelessly to try and get him back. He still loved his brother dearly as a brother and he just had to figure out how to get him home. With the help of a befriended Blacephalon, Emmet does manage to reconnect with Ingo! He's so happy to have his brother back! And Ingo remembers him and remembers their lives and surely he would remember his confession and they could be happy together! And Ingo does remember the confession, but he, guiltily, rejects him. He still cares for him deeply, but not like that and he wouldn't lie to Emmet about it because that wouldn't make him happy. That's... Okay that's not how Emmet imagined it going. But its okay! He still has his brother back and they can at least go back to the lives they had! But. Ingo wants to stay in Hisui. He may remember his life back in Nimbasa, but he feels like what he is doing in Hisui is important, especially if it will impact the future in some way.

Rejected, and worse, abandoned, Emmet makes his way back home to try and figure out what to do next. His whole life the past while had been trying to get Ingo home to go back to how life used to be, and now all of it was for nothing. Yes he has a way to talk with Ingo again, but he wanted him home. And in some way, the idea occured to him that he still was friends with the deranged balloon clown, he could still travel through time and space and dimensions. Surely if he had been abandoned like this, somewhere he would be able to find an Ingo who would want to stay with him! Maybe even love him! He hoped he would love him. Leaving his pokemon behind because he didn't know how long this trip would be or how dangerous, Emmet sets out to go Dimension Hopping, eager now to find an Ingo of his own. Early in his two-year-long travels, he gets into an altercation with an Emmet and accidentally kills him. YanEmmet is traumatized by what he's done, but not as much as when, in his despair, the Ingo kills himself right in front of him. Fully shaken, YanEmmet has decided that he needs to be more careful how he approaches things.

Still, that just went to show how dedicated Ingo could be. In all the worlds he visited, hundreds until he lost count, the Ingos would never leave their Emmet. Even if the Emmets didn't love them the way they wanted. Even if they didn't love their Emmets that way. So why was he the exception? There was nothing to do but keep moving forward, and he would continue to do so until he found an Ingo to love him or die trying. Not very good for his health to keep pushing himself, but it would be Fine.

He finally ends up outside a not-so-abandoned house in the middle of nowhere. He has a bad feeling, but Ingo is nearby, he knows that much. He'll just have to find him.

Now for poor Ingo. Since this is based off Tomb's Forced to Watch AU and it's Bad End, you can get more details there. But the jist of it is early on in their train boy careers, the twins get kidnapped and the leader, Cassian, said they Only Needed One and threatened to kill Emmet. To which Ingo begged and promised to do Anything if his brother was spared. Well, his brother was spared and Ingo went through a lot under Cassian's cruel and obsessive whims. A pet, treated less than human but certainly not poor enough to let him die. Emmet tried to come and rescue Ingo, but in his hesitation to kill, he gets killed and Ingo has to watch him die. That breaks his mind and his spirit more than anything else. He loved his brother, and though it wasn't mutual, the devastation of losing him is too much.

And here's where my boy comes in! Entering the house YanIngo is being held in, YanEmmet finds him and tells him he loves him and asks Ingo to love him too. Ingo until this point has been met with illusions of his brother so intially he didn't respond, but hearing a voice and touching his face and noticing the vague differences from the brother he remembered, he promises to love him, please just get him out of here. He has an ankle cuff that makes it difficult, but once Emmet rips it free from the wall, he takes Ingo back to a hotel to rest while he goes off to end Cassian's life for all that he put Ingo through. YanEmmet is already thoroughly in love with YanIngo, he didn't need much he just needed to be told he was loved. And YanIngo was rescued and now loved by an Emmet, not his own but that doesn't matter. They head back home to YanEmmet's original dimension, YanIngo finding and insisting he gets to bring his brother's yamask with them. YanEmmet agrees and now Yammet gets to stay with his brother but deal with what a gay he is with his lover that is another version of himself.

Back at his home Dimension, YanEmmet tried to figure out how to tell YanIngo he doesnt want him to ever leave the house without possibly triggering something. He loves Ingo dearly, so much, with all his heart, the last thing he would want to do is scare or hurt him! But luckily YanIngo does away with all that concern when he expresses his guilt and regret about not wanting to go outside and just stay at home. YanEmmet is ecstatic! Now he doesn't have to ask it himself and risk scaring Ingo!

But though YanIngo doesn't want to go outside, YanEmmet still needs to go to work as a Subway Boss, the only one since his original Ingo disappeared and decided to not come home. But leaving YanIngo alone at home isn't ideal either. So, he gives him his schedule, tells him he can call or message him at any point and he will answer. YanIngo knows when YanEmmet has lunch and they can talk freely during that time. YanEmmet lets YanIngo know if he'll be home even a minute later than usual. He wants him to feel like he knows what to expect so he has some form of control when he has had nothing of the sort for so long.

Of course, YanIngo isn't in the best state physically after everything he's been through, so YanEmmet adopts an Audino who used to work at a Pokemon Center until she couldn't keep up with the fast paced environment anymore. And now she can spend her time taking care of One Person and making him feel safe and making sure he takes any medication he needs and uses healing moves if he's in pain and helps YanEmmet when he does the physical therapy he learned with YanIngo. Yammet is also there to help Audino with taking care of YanIngo. If he can still help his brother in some way, he is happy to do it.

Also HisuiIngo is aware of the situation. Initially he was disturbed and mortified that Emmet had gone to such length as to steal an Ingo from another dimension. But its not stealing, he willingly came! They love each other they're good for each other! And HisuiIngo can see that Emmet is the happiest he's ever seen him and the other Ingo seems very happy too, so he can't actually oppose it, even if he thinks it's weird.

There are other things going on and it is a very smut filled AU because of Course it is, but these poor boys have been through so much individually and are so good for each other to heal and recover from their pains and trauma. And poor Yammet has to watch.

Side note; Blacephalon stays with them because he's YanEmmet's bestie now, but it has to learn to stop spontaneously exploding its head. Its messy and startles everyone when it happens and might scare outsiders. Also it and the Audino are in love and Yammet has to deal with lovey dovey shit from all sides. Sorry Yammet-

[weenwrites]

Hello! So, this is my first ask on the blog, and if you would like to refer to me by something, I can go by Pixxel!

Anyway, if you're okay with it, could I request Kapi with a S/O having a panic attack? If not you could you do Kapi having fun with his S/O at the arcade?

Thank you! — Pixxel 👾

FNF Kapi W/ an S/O Who’s Having a Panic Attack

Pairing - Romantic Category - Headcanons Trigger Warnings - Panic attack mention

Unless you've told him that you do experience panic attacks, he's done absolutely no research nor does he have any knowledge on the topic, so he won't know what to do at all to help you out, so unfortunately he might just end up doing a couple things that he most likely shouldn't do. But if you have, then he'll do some research, ask you about what he should do encase you do have a panic attack while he’s around so he’ll know the jist of what to do, and he'll keep in mind that he should ask before he acts.

Although he’d immediately want to go in and try to comfort you, he knows that the best thing to do in a situation like this is to wait and ask you what you need and how to help before acting. And no matter what you ask of him in this moment, he'll do it. Whether it's giving you space or staying here with you. Need him to bring you someplace else like someplace without people? Or maybe you want to stay here at the moment? He'll reassure you that he isn't leaving and if there's anything you need he'll do it for you.

He’ll try his best to talk to you in a slow and soothing voice, reminding you to breathe, saying that the attack won’t last long, and that although what you’re feeling may be horrible it won’t hurt you. He’d also try to suggest to you some nice calming things to think about to help ground you once the intensity of it all has faded a bit.

He does worry about whether he’s doing the right thing or not, because he remembers that from his research on the topic, he was told to be extremely mindful of what he says. He doesn’t want to accidentally say things that might hurt you or make things worse.

If the two of you happened to have some plans but were interrupted by the panic attack, he won't hold it against you if all you want to do now is go home and rest. Things like these can happen suddenly out of the blue with no way to predict them, it isn't your fault.

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Steve//love? hope? or a bit of both?

Request: Can I maybe request something where after billy's death Steve takes care of the reader and they fall in love

hey! i hope you like it!! i kind of got a little bit carried away (i always do), but i think i pulled it back though! 

- You and Billy were unlikely friends 

- You saw how he bullied people and used girls and you definitely didn’t approve 

- But between working together at the community pool

- And being neighbours 

- The two of you somehow became friends 

- And just friends 

- No matter how hard he tried to make it something more 

- But you knocked him back...always 

- You had more of a thing for Steve 

- Not that you told anybody that though 

- Especially not Billy 

- You saw how much they hated each other 

- And if Billy got even the slightest hint that you liked Harrington, you’d never hear the end of it.

- So that secret stayed with you 

- Its not like you were going to do anything about it anyway

- You’re not entirely sure Steve knew who you were to be honest 

- Anyway...

- So you and Billy saw each other practically everyday

- Apart from when you worked different shifts (which was very rare) 

- Or if he was on a date (that one was not rare) 

- But he did always make time for you 

- And then he starts avoiding you 

- And acting weird 

- And just being off 

- So, one night you decide to follow him 

- Because he’s being reallllllllly weird

- Like, he’s possessed. 

- One minute you’re following him out ‘Bradley’s Big Buy’

- And the next thing you know

- You’re throwing fireworks at a creature in the middle of the mall 

- There’s an odd mix of people with you 

- Steve, for a start 

- And Steve’s co-worker Robin 

- Someone you’ve had a few conversations with while she hands you your ice cream and gives Billy a dirty look

- But you can tell she’s cool 

- Nancy and Jonathan are there too

- With their little brothers and their friends

- Nobody really notices you at first 

- But then again, you all have slightly bigger things to deal with

- However they quickly notice you when they hear you scream

- You can feel yourself running towards Billy

- But arms are around your waist before you’ve barely made it three steps

- And the next thing you know you’re slumped on the floor sobbing into Steve Harrington’s chest 

- In any other situation, this would be your dream 

- Maybe not the crying part 

- But the fact that he’s cuddling you 

- But right now, you just want to see Billy

- To poke him in the arm or chest or something and for him to wake up and tell you 

- ‘i’m just kidding babe’ 

- And you’d roll your eyes at the use of the word ‘babe’ 

- But life would carry on as normal and everyone would be okay 

- You don’t really remember much of the next few days 

- You’re too busy being lost in your grief 

- Like a really large void has opened in your chest and you can’t do anything to stop it from consuming every part of you 

- The only things you really remember are: 

- Billy’s screams 

- Something you can hear/see every time you close your eyes 

- Signing a contract that forces you to keep your mouth shut about everything

- Not that you know anything about it 

- But it makes you feel sick every time you think of it 

- And the lack of people at the Hargrove/Mayfield household 

- The only person that you’ve seen go into the house is Billy’s aunt

- Somebody he saw twice a year if that 

- On the morning of day three of your grief 

- There’s a knock on your bedroom door 

- Thinking its your mom bringing you more food you’re barely going to touch

- You mumble a quiet ‘come in’ and peak your head out from under the blanket

- You’re surprised however when you see Max and Steve 

- Steve looks a little awkward

- And like he hasn’t slept for days 

- But he offers you a smile anyway 

- Max looks more nervous that awkward 

- And like she’s on the verge of tears 

- She tries to force a smile, but she can’t quite make it

- Instead she sighs and looks at the floor 

- You probably look worse than both of the combined 

- But right now you don’t really care 

- Steve takes the lead and shuffles his way into your room 

- Placing a bouquet of flowers on your desk chair

- The Steve stood in your bedroom looks completely different to the one you knew at school 

- He’s more of a shell of himself 

- Before he was confident and cool 

- Now he’s a lot more on edge 

- And something about the way he carries himself makes you think this isn’t the first time he’s had to deal with something like this 

- You sit up and they take that as an invitation to come in

- Steve remains where’s he’s stood, leaning against the wall 

- But Max sits beside you and cuddles into your arm

- She liked you as soon as Billy introduced you as his girlfriend 

- And you’d snorted in reply and told him ‘in your dreams’ 

- You were the first one of Billy’s friends that never seemed annoyed with her 

- You would actually volunteer to hang out with her and her friends 

- And she always liked that about you 

- It made Billy babysitting a lot more fun if you were there 

- Steve is the first to break the silence 

- ‘max asked me if i could come over with her. but i wanted to see how you were doing. and also to say thank you for helping the other night’ 

-His words stumble over each other but you get the jist of what he says and are grateful that he came over

- Even if it is a bit awkward 

- ‘we’re also really sorry for your loss’ 

- Him and Billy may hated each other

- But he didn’t deserve to die 

- He should have been able to grow as a person 

- To apologize and seek forgiveness 

- Plus Steve knows you were close 

- He doesn’t really understand why 

- But he hates seeing you like this 

- He may not have noticed you while at school

- But he noticed you when he would go to the pool on a rare day off 

- And he noticed you when you’d come into Scoops 

- Sometimes you’d be alone and he’d have to stop himself from jumping over the counter and sitting with you 

- Sometimes you’d be with Billy and he’d have to stop himself from jumping over the counter and punching him in the face 

- And sometimes you’d be with other friends 

- But you would always be laughing 

- He really wants to hear you laugh again 

- ‘thanks’ You mumble and look at your duvet

- Max is the next to speak 

- Something about cleaning out Billy’s room before his dad found something he wouldn't like

- She then hands you a jacket that you didn’t even realize she was holding 

- Its denim, so its definitely his 

- And then you remember you’d claimed it when he told you it was too small for him

- It still smells like him and you have never been happier for forgetting something at his house

- You make a mental note to put it somewhere safe after they’ve left 

- ‘thanks’ You mumble again and tuck it beside you. 

- ‘how are you holding up?’ You ask Max but she just shrugs in reply. 

- ‘what about you?’ You turn your attention to Steve and he looks at you surprised 

- ‘i’m good.’ All three of you know he’s lying

- How can anybody be good after that? 

- But you can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it, so you don’t push it any further

- ‘and everybody else?’ 

- ‘the same’ He nods. ‘there’s talk of the byers moving with el’ 

- Silence takes over the three of you 

- You’re all looking around your room 

- But you’re thinking of three different things 

- You’re remembering Billy lying on your bed while you were getting dressed for work 

- He was only waiting for five minutes 

- But he made it feel like an eternity because of how much he complained 

- He didn’t stop until your shoes were on and you were walking out the door 

- At the time it annoyed you 

- But right now, you missed his complaining 

- Max is remembering watching him sneak through your window at 2am 

- She remembers teasing him about it the next morning 

- But it was a subtle way to say she saw and she wasn’t going to tell

- Especially because of the bruise on his cheek 

- Steve is thinking about when he was back at school 

- Billy had just turned up

- And Steve knew it was just a matter of time before he was no longer King Steve 

- He had heard countless of rumours about Billy and he’d only been there for less than a week

- But he remembers one that he’s only just realized was about you 

- Someone had seen the two of you talking outside your house 

- ‘he’s going to break her heart’ They’d said 

- Whoever had said it was right. 

- Eventually the silence got too much and they both left 

- You promised Max that she was welcome to come round any time 

- Both of them were

- And you meant it

- The next time you saw them was Billy’s funeral 

- For the amount of women that Billy slept with, there was a definite lack of people in the church 

- You were sat at the front beside Max 

- But you noticed the rest of the party, as well as Steve, Nancy, Jonathan and Robin sat near the back. 

- After the wake

- You shrugged Billy’s jacket on, despite only going next door 

- To your surprise

- Steve was sat on your porch holding another bouquet of flowers 

- Once he noticed you, he stood up and fiddled with his jacket a little 

- However once you sat down beside him

- He slowly sat again and handed you the flowers 

- ‘thanks for coming today’ 

- ‘oh’ He says surprised ‘no problem’ 

- ‘will you thank the others for me?’ 

- ‘yeah of course.’ He replies. ‘how are you?’ 

- You just shrug in reply but he understands 

- ‘about that nigh-’ 

- ‘steve? i have literally so many questions. but please...not tonight’

- ‘sorry’ 

- Instead of answering 

- You just lean your head on his shoulder.

- To the outside world 

- You probably look like a couple of teens coming back from a first date 

- And right now, you wished life was that simple 

- You shove your hands in your pockets but something catches them 

- You frown in confusion and pull it from your pocket

- Its a mixtape with your name scrawled on it 

- As soon as you recognize the handwriting you smile and lift your head up

- ‘whats that?’ Steve asks while watching you trace the writing carefully 

- ‘mixtape. it must be from billy’ You sigh and shove your hands back in your pocket to see if there’s anything else 

- There’s a few gum wrappers (and a condom...gross. He definitely put that in there to annoy you) 

- But there’s a small note and your heart rate increases 

- ‘hey babe. i made this for you to play when you eventually bone harrington (god knows why you want to). you know you really have to be more subtle if you want to keep something like that from me. if you want any practice before you do the deed, i’m more than willing to help’ 

- ‘whats that?’ Steve looks over your shoulder and you quickly shove the note back in your pocket 

- ‘oh, its just a stupid note’ 

- ‘was there something going on with you two?’ 

- ‘ha! he wishes’ You laugh, but its only now do you realize you’re crying 

- ‘you two just seemed close’ 

- ‘nah. just friends. we both liked very different people’ 

- ‘oh’ If this was any other night and not the funeral of your best friend, you would have thought he sounded hopeful. ‘are you going to listen to it?’ 

- ‘probably later.’ You blush slightly 

- ‘we could listen to it in my car’ 

- ‘excuse me?’ 

- ‘not like that.’ He laughs and you feel your heart sink a little. ‘just, driving around town has been a welcome distraction this past week. sometimes we all meet up in one of the empty parking lots on the other side of town just to hang out and feel normal. i just thought it might help’ 

- ‘yeah...that sounds nice’ 

- He helps you up stand and tries to grab the mixtape from you but you quickly shove it back in your pocket 

- ‘knowing billy he would have put some very inappropriate songs on it’ 

- ‘yeah. i don’t want to know what sort of stuff he liked’ He laughs

- You know he was only joking 

- But the way he says it makes you frown 

- He notices how sad you look once you’re both sat in his car and he sighs 

- He’s still trying to be better at a lot of things

- Reading signals is one of them apparently 

- ‘why don’t you tell me your favourite memory of him’ 

- So you do 

- You tell him about the time Billy thought he’d locked you in the cleaning supply closet at work 

- When in reality it was somebody who looked nothing like you and when you tapped him on the shoulder he screamed like a baby. 

- And you laugh like you used to when you’d walk into Scoops and brighten up his day 

- He hopes he’s going to hear it a lot more 

- And so do you 

[pixelfun20]

Wilbur’s Mental State  (and Phil’s flawed relationship with his children)

I’m just copying this over from a discord rant I had after todays streams because I think it’s something that should be said. I may be wrong since I haven’t watched everyone’s streams yet, just Wilbur’s and parts of Techno’s, and I veer a bit into speculation/au territory, but hear me out.

TW for mental health issues, suicide, and (accidental) parental favoritism. The discord rant starts under the cut.

It's clear that wilbur is NOT in the right mental state. This was really clear before, but at the end of Wilbur's stream it was REALLY obvious

and no one's come to help him. the closest I can say is Tommy, and the closest he got is "you're not acting like yourself," "I don't agree with you." 

Niki never helped him. Phil KILLED him. Techno doesn't care. I don't think Tubbo and Quackity have even noticed his mental health issues.

do you know what wilbur was doing after he pressed the button? Asking people to kill him. He ask Phil, who did so (probably the WORST decision you claim to be this man's father and yet you can't notice what's happening here??), and then after he went to LManberg, saw the distruction, threw himself in front of a wither to die again and then left

He doesn't care about his life anymore. He doesn't care about the server, or his friends. He doesn't have any meaning in his life

and it's sad because SO MANY people could have stopped this. Mental health is such a problem and often we NEED help to get through it! But wilbur never noticed and no one else sincerely reached out to try and help

I'm going to talk about Phil again because Phil failed wilbur in SO MANY ways my GOD

As things are right now, Phil was Wilbur's last chance. That moment, right after he blew up LManberg, when Wilbur handed his sword to his father and told him to kill him

Wilbur had just done something terrible. Completely terrible. Him giving his sword to Phil should have been a huge red flag

And I think Phil noticed. He must have, because he hesitated. But he killed Wilbur anyways, and Wilbur lost the one person who could help him. Not save him, or redeem him, but help him.

And the favoritism. I'm stretching from analysis into au/theory area here so bear with me but.

Tommy and Tubbo needed help. That's clear. And it's good Phil went to help them! I don't doubt that Phil had anything but the best of intentions. But it doesn't clear the fact that Phil went straight to T&T and didn't even STOP to figure out what Wil was up to after he killed him

And that moment, after everything, when Phil went up to Techno. Because Techno suffers here too. Nowhere as much as Wilbur and Techno honestly has good reasons for doing what he did! But Phil just goes up to him with quiet disappointment and "I'm not proud of you." (not quoted, but that was the jist of it) and then leaves.

Protagonist syndrome. Phil inadvertently favoring his youngest child over the two older.

My friend @jittery-glittery put it really well here:

“Phil doesn’t try to see things from techno’s point of view. and techno was right! Tubbo was not elected fairly, he was given the position. Techno has always been clear on his stance when it comes to bringing down governments. this shouldn’t be surprising

back during the festival, Phil was proud of techno for causing chaos and getting kills. he wasn’t so proud of Will (Will has never been the favourite)

now for today’s war, techno has the exact same stance as he did for the festival, and yet Phil is no longer proud.

so many mistakes. they’re all so achingly human.”

[mrskisaki]

If luffy would ever have sex i think he would be immediately good at it (the boy is an aroace icon)

You may ask why?

And i tell you that shanks and his crew have no fucking filter, garp probably too

The only one who told him some kind of romance storys were makino (he ended up in the conversation on accident cuz he teased ace about his crush on her and she had a whole speech that sounded like the longer version of "luffy love is a normal human emotion, leave your brother alone") yrhdoydpuflruputp

Ok but no, seriously, luffy probably heard the most absurd storys from the bedroom

Luffy has heard some absurd stories from Shanks and his crew and even from Ace as he got older so he knows what sex is and how it’s supposed to go but knowing and doing are two different things.

I’ve already said in previous headcanons that Luffy would be naturally good at sex, he might be a bit sloppy at the beginning when he’s trying to get the jist of it but after those few minutes of learning, he’s throwing down.

He would be talking the entire time about the stories he heard and how similar and different they are from the real thing and the only time he would stop is when he’s getting close so he has to focus on his pleasure.

And the aftercare conversations will also be about the stories and who said what, you’ll have to stop him eventually because he’ll start telling you things that you’ve rather not hear about others sex lives.

[iaintyourbro]

What’s your take on Cloud’s depression during AC? People on twitter are suddenly talking about this, again. This matter was brought up by those antis saying that we Clotis should accept the fact that Tifa wasn’t the one who “healed” Cloud and that she was also being mean and not considerate whatsoever. The funny thing is that, they also accused us of denying his depression and not understanding it. TF. Let’s be real, Tifa played a major part, in fact she gave him morale thx to her “scolding” lol

Hey anon.. 

Yeah, Twitter has me depressed today. I think it started last night. I was enjoying it for a bit, but the last week or two have been so bad over there with bullshit that I’m about to just take a break from the entire fandom. 

My Take on AC Cloud:

I watched AC when it first came out, and I barely remember it. I remember I didn’t like what they did. Why was Cloud so depressed and brooding? Oh Aerith is in this? Interesting. I felt like it was disjointed and removed a lot of the great progress Cloud made in OG. They kept this depressed, brooding guy in KH as well... It just didn’t seem right to me. I was young, too. 

At this point we also didn’t have On the Way to a Smile, Crisis Core, or anything else, really.. None of the Ultimanias were in English at this point. I also was not interested enough in going online. It was a weird time when I was playing other things and was meh on FF7 for a while. I was always a FF8 fangirl, so was jealous of FF7 at times hahaha. It got so much more attention and love. 

It took me a long time to watch it again. I remember my husband watching it before Remake came out and I felt mad or sad. It was like an emotion from memory, and I didn’t know why. I can’t describe it. I saw it on the TV and was like why is this on here... 

After playing Remake, I bit the bullet and ordered AC Complete, which had things tweaked and added. I also am now in my 30′s and have a lot more life experience.

Antis like to say Cloud is depressed solely because Aerith is dead and he wants to be with her. This may be one of the reasons I didn’t like AC, because when I did happen to come across some FF7 thing online, I’d see this shit and be like whatever, that makes no sense. 

I enjoyed ACC. My heart was actually pounding and I was nervous/intrigued by what was going on even though I knew the story. I haven’t read all of CoT yet, but I’ve seen the excerpts online, so I know the general gist of things.

Based strictly on ACC:

Cloud is really upset that Denzel is sick. He’s obsessively looking up medical stuff to figure out how to cure it - this is shown with everything all over his desk. He’s closed in on himself to do this. I did the same shit when my dad had cancer. I did it for three fucking years while he was alive - from the time he got diagnosed to the day he was dying. Every damn day I looked up articles, research, and theories. It’s not healthy. It’s depressing and I closed myself off from the world half the time and didn’t realize it. Thank God my husband is a patient saint. 

Cloud does care a lot about Tifa. His reaction alone at seeing her knocked out in the church is heart wrenching. When they’re brought back to Seventh Heaven, Cloud pops right up when he sees Tifa there. He then stays with her until she wakes up. This is a pretty good amount of time. The sun is up when he’s looking over her, and when she wakes up, it’s dark outside. He could have slipped out again without her noticing if he really wanted to. I’m sure he may have contemplated it. 

She calls his ass out on how he’s acting. She knows he’s sick at this point. This was huge for Tifa who’s not confrontational. He clearly doesn’t want to completely disconnect, or he would have gotten rid of his cell phone voluntarily. He doesn’t. They actually show him checking his messages. 

Ultimately Cloud leaves because he ends up with Geostigma. That’s the last straw. He can’t face the fact that he’s going to die and what it’ll do to his family, so he leaves. Listen, I think the only reason my dad didn’t try to leave when he was diagnosed was because he had nowhere to go and by time he started verbalizing wanting to leave, he was physically unable to. Yes, I remember him being angry because he was hospitalized again and he told my mom he was going to get an apartment by himself so she didn’t know when he was getting bad. It’s very hurtful to even think it, and even worse when you know they don’t actually mean it... They do it because they don’t want to see their family hurt. 

The setup he has at the church as his “living” area is super depressing. It looks like something a homeless person sets up. He legit was going to wait to die. He had a lot of knowledge about this, so he figured there was nothing he could do. 

Marlene calls Cloud out on his bullshit too. Cloud admits to her he doesn’t think he can take care of anybody. Marlene Barrret quotes him and it’s cute. I think Cloud appreciated it and I think it made him think.

In ACC, Cloud has a short conversation with Aerith. Aerith seems almost annoyed with him like “wtf is your deal, dude” kind of attitude. Zack shows up when he’s bloody and half dead fighting Sephiroth to encourage him. There are scenes with him talking at Zack’s grave and saying he couldn’t keep his promise to him. He flat out tells Aerith he wants to be forgiven. He doesn’t say I miss you, I want to be with you, none of that happens. In fact, it’s mainly her telling him HE needs to start doing some forgiving - ultimately to himself. 

When Cloud is in limbo - between living and dying - Cloud says “Mom.” Very romantic, I know. Then Zack and Aerith have a conversation very similar to a couple that’s going to adopt a child and they tell Cloud he’s too big for them. This is the “I see the light” and the person on the other side is like “nah bro go back, not your time yet.”

He wakes up, Tifa and crew is there, he smiles at Tifa... and it’s a happy ending. He sees both Zack AND Aerith at the end, and they walk off in to the light together all cute and shit.

Adding in Things from the Novels/Interviews/Thoughts:

The devs have said Cloud was happy with his family and that scared him. The happier he got, the more scared he got. We know he cherishes everything. He especially cherishes the family he has.

Cloud’s depression spiral started from the high anxiety of having a happy life and Elmyra asking him to deliver flowers to Aerith’s grave. Now, I have my feelings about this, but when I look at it logically, I don’t think Elmyra ultimately does this out of spite. I actually don’t think Elmyra thinks Cloud and Aerith were a thing - so it wasn’t that either. I think she knew Cloud was friends with her and maybe he’d want to deliver some flowers - to give him some business. 

This flower delivery reminds Cloud of what he thinks is his failure to protect somebody else. At this point he has his memories of what happened to Nibelheim, his mother, Tifa, and Zack. The Sector 7 plate drop and Aerith are the most recent “failures”. So this brings up Aerith.

Then Denzel comes along and he’s an orphan because his parents were... yeah... killed during the Sector 7 plate collapse. Double ouch. But Cloud and Tifa are going to take care of him.

Tifa herself has a lot of guilt because of the same reasons, she just deals with it very differently. Tifa tells Cloud to bring Denzel right home. She can make amends by adopting him in to her family and caring for him. Cloud thinks Aerith brought Denzel to him (Tifa corrects him). This is a Cloud thing, it’s not romantic. Cloud doesn’t know the guilt Tifa feels. He legit thinks all of this is his fault. Tifa’s guilt stems from the fact that Shinra drops the plate because Avalanche was in Sector 7 - she was in Avalanche. She feels guilty about Aerith because she thinks its her fault Aerith followed them to Don Corneo’s mansion. The thing is, Aerith doesn’t blame EITHER of them - I just wish they’d cover a Tifa/Aerith conversation about this as well... 

Cloud and Tifa do have fights in the novels from what I understand, but it’s because he’s acting weird. He feels bad hiding the fact that he’s been going to the church a lot, and I think that does turn in to a whole LTD debate. So you can take this as Tifa is jealous that he’s going to the church all the time or she’s upset that he is hiding from her. 

In the novels, Tifa has a breakdown when they go see the church after they defeat Sephiroth. This is where you get to see how badly Aerith’s death impacted her. So my thought is... Cloud thinks bringing her to the church hurts her because of her feelings, not because she’s jealous. I think Cloud is oblivious to the jealousy thing, honestly. Don’t think it’s a thought in his mind. 

I honestly don’t know the real reason why he goes to the church to hide. I think this is another point of fight with both sides. My personal take is there was nowhere else he could go and be alone. Most of the stuff had been destroyed. It was still close by, so he could still do his work and keep an eye on things/be nearby.

There is a quote that is taken to be literal, but I think it’s just a way to say it wouldn’t have mattered who Cloud was “with.” Yes, Tifa and Cloud have issues, and I believe the quote goes “Perhaps it would have gone better with Aerith, but I think her responsibility is too great. Maybe the children will help them with their issues.” This isn’t exact, but it’s the jist of what they said. The children do help them - that’s the point of the scenes with Marlene, to slap him silly with reality. 

“Oh but he sees Aerith when the building is falling.” Yes, you know why? Because he thinks that’s going to happen to Tifa. This is a “NO I’M NOT LETTING THIS HAPPEN.” moment. On top of it, I don’t think anybody would be right again if they saw this happen. If my neighbor was impaled by a large sword in their back, I’d be messed up from it. I don’t really know my neighbors. He’s not replaying this death scene in his head cuz he misses Aerith, he’s playing it in his head because it’s traumatic and he doesn't want to see this happen to Tifa. Especially Tifa. 

It’s been put in Ultimanias time and time again that Cloud’s feelings are for Tifa. I went through my Ultimania - which only covers OG - and it doesn’t say anything about Cloud’s side of the CA argument. It does say how he feels about Tifa in the Lifestream, though. 

The “He wants to die for her, see, that’s why he’s going to the church and waiting.” No, he doesn’t want to die or else he wouldn’t be so depressed. Just thinking this is fucked up on so many levels. If he really wanted to die and be with her, he’d be happy he got an incurable illness, I’d think... Cloud leaves Tifa and them because he doesn’t want to hurt him with him dying and not being able to stop it. 

The other thing that would be... weird... Zack is in the Lifestream with Aerith. They walk off together for a reason. I don’t think she’s going to just drop Zack for Cloud since the whole reason she was initially interested in Cloud was because of the similarities to Zack. He had the same sword, the same clothes, and in OG had some of the same mannerisms. I noticed the dropped the squatting in Remake - the random squatting.

The ending of ACC implies that now that Geostigma is cured and Sephiroth is (hopefully) gone for good, Cloud can be happy. I’m not saying that his smile fixes everything. I’m sure that him and Tifa had to work on things, but you can see in DoC that things seem to be much better - he’s more upbeat and happy. He’s more dorky, like he should be. 

Sorry this is long. I have a lot of feelings about all this stuff today. I’ve been seeing the fights over on Twitter about it and.. yeah. Cloud is depressed because of the fact he’s dying, his kid is dying, and he can’t seem to do anything right in his mind.

Thanks for the ask. 

[if-found-return-to-gusu]

After Christmas With A-Yuan

I want to talk about New Years but when typing it up I realized I really wanted to talk about the day after Christmas too. So I split them up into two separate posts. So I’ll start with the 26th. I went to sleep holding 2 of my favorite people but woke up tragically alone. I could tell I’d been re-tucked into bed with care. I remember the feeling of someone shifting and A-Yuan mumbling and snuggling closer. The press of a kiss against my temple? But I may have been dreaming. All I know is that I woke up alone. 

Well not entirely. As he often does, Lan Zhan had placed Suibian on the bed with me. She’s the one that woke me actually. She was snuffling up by my nose, her own twitching against mine as her fur tickled my skin.

“Mmm good morning” I mumbled at her, making her hop around quite excitedly once she realized that meant I was awake. I laughed and sat up carefully to make sure I wouldn’t squash her and beckoned her closer again.

“Do you know where my boys are?” I asked her once she was close enough to pick up. She twitched her nose at me and, of course, didn’t answer. So I told her we should go find them together. (Bunnies don’t usually like to be held from what I’ve experienced. They’ll tolerate it for a while but it makes them nervous. But Suibian never seems to mind so long as I’m the one holding her. Maybe it was because I kept picking her up as she was growing up ((Don’t wanna say when she was a baby because she still IS a baby.)) Oh… maybe she only tolerates it because she’s still so young? Oh I hope she doesn’t grow to fear it. D: I’ll have to make sure she feels extra secure because I love taking her around with me. Anyway. Tangent. You all know to expect it by now)

I swung my legs out of bed and padded out of the bedroom only to be hit by a wall of smells and the sound of kitchen stuff clinking together quietly. I closed the door as silently as I could when I heard A-Yuan giggling and what sounded like Lan Zhan  gently shushing him. I poked my head out of the hall to take a peek and found Lan Zhan was very carefully handing A-Yuan a tray of food that was clearly meant for me.  A-Yuan had almost taken it when he looked up and saw me. He yelped and shoved the tray back at Lan Zhan, who managed to keep 99% of it from spilling, and rushed at me. 

“No Xian-Gege! You’re supposed to be sleeping!!” he said, clearly frustrated that his plans had been ruined. I laughed as he started to physically turn me around and push me back to the bedroom. 

“Oh? But what if I’m not tired anymore?” I asked just to be difficult, resisting him just enough to make him put some effort. The boy went to a nearly 45 degree angle trying to shove me forward. I glanced back to smile at Lan Zhan who had set the tray to rights. He smiled back and I decided to stop teasing A-Yuan who had started to whine a little. 

“Alright! I’m going! I’m going!” I said. I heard A-Yuan telling Lan Zhan to wait a moment before he ushered me back into bed. I set Suibian down on the floor to hop where she wanted (the squirming and teasing was a bit too much excitement for even her, though she didn’t try to escape until she was a safe space from the floor. I trusted Lan Zhan would plop her back in with Bichen which he did so it worked out) and climbed into bed obediently. A-Yuan climbed on next to me so he could kiss my cheek and tuck me in before scurrying off with the order for me not to move. 

Another moment and Lan Zhan and A-Yuan were back in my line of sight, A-Yuan carefully carrying the rather over-laden tray over to me only for Lan Zhan to help place it as I sat up again.

“Good morning, Xian-Gege!” A-Yuan chirped as if he hadn’t just reprimanded me into diving back under the covers. I decided to play my role correctly, which wasn’t too hard because I was honestly feeling very warm by the exchange. 

“Oh! What’s this? Breakfast in bed??? For meeee????”

Okay the look on A-Yuan’s face told me I was over-selling it so I just grinned at him and laughed, opening my arms for a careful hug. I let him go and started to ask if the two of them were planning to join me only to find Lan Zhan had left and was now returning while holding two more trays of food. 

Not nice to flex on a 7 year old, Lan Zhan. Come on now. XD

It took a bit of maneuvering and there were a few very near calls but we managed to get all three of us in bed with the trays of steaming food over our laps. 

Blueberry pancakes and eggs and sausage (for me and A-Yuan anyway), toast and hashbrowns. Complete with orange juice and a glass of water. Entirely too much food that was absolutely completely consumed to the last crumb. 

It was… it was so domestic and.. Warm and… My chest aches with it even now. I want that. I want that forever. It felt like the three of us were a real family! And.. and after what A-Yuan said at his birthday party… Okay that’s for later. We’re doing this in order!

As we worked through the mountain of food I suddenly realized-- When had Lan Zhan gotten a third tray? It was possible that he’d had it but only ever pulled out 2 before but this one didn’t match the others. The tray that was given to A-Yuan was a bit smaller (which was good because we were PUSHIN it with the trays on the bed) and covered in little bunny prints. I tapped on A-Yuan’s tray and asked Lan Zhan when he’d bought it. He replied that he had picked it up this morning since he was out anyway. 

“You… went out already? And came back? And cooked breakfast???” I asked, somehow still surprised even though I KNOW very well by now that he wakes up at the ass crack of dawn. 

He just nodded and smiled at me. “I had to get a few things and I didn’t want to disturb you two.”

I flopped back on the bed with a whine, rambling about how they were spoiling me so rotten and how we should be pampering HIM instead because he’s already gotten so much done that morning and must be tired and blah blah blah. I don’t listen to myself most of the time so I can’t tell you all what I said but you get the jist. 

Lan Zhan smiled. I mean. I know he did even though my arm was dramatically over my eyes. I could feel it in his ‘mn.’ 

“Don’t laugh at meeeeee,” I whined which just made him more amused. A-Yuan patted my knee consolingly and told me I should finish eating before my pancakes got soggy. 

A brilliant lad. Top of his class. Couldn’t be prouder if he was my own son. 

Ahhh dreams. 

Gotta work on one dream at a time. Not gonna compound it right now. 

Once we had finished our feast, I insisted on carrying the trays back to the kitchen and cleaning up since they’d gone through all the work making and delivering breakfast. Lan Zhan got a… complicated look on his face at that and I know where his mind was going. I softened and gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. I hadn’t forgotten our talk from the other day. I wasn’t going to go overboard.  He seemed to understand because he relaxed and nodded at me. 

I only did a basic clean up for the time being, promising to take care of the rest of it later. I think that reassured him further. 

Not gonna lie, part of me really really wanted to reach for the bottle of cleaner again. My fingers twitched a bit but I resisted. I left a bit of mess and went to sit with my boys in the living room. 

Knowing and doing are two different things. And that was admittedly harder than it should have been. But the way Lan Zhan looked at me…. Suddenly it was the easiest thing in the world. 

The three of us digested while watching something ‘family oriented’ on TV which just gave me MORE feels to be shelved for now. It ended up with Lan Zhan shuffling closer to me while A-Yuan somehow draped himself across both our laps. I saw Lan Zhan stroking A-Yuan’s hair out of the corner of my eye and it just melted my heart further. 

After a couple episodes of… whatever we were watching (A-Yuan apparently had been watching this for a while and wanted to keep going so we indulged him. But I have NO idea what the hell it was)

The moment… it was honestly perfect. It had even started to snow outside. I could see the big fat flakes floating lazily down to earth from the large window. I don’t know what we were watching but it wasn’t too obnoxious. I felt Lan Zhan slide his arm around me as he kept petting A-Yuan. The two of them looked about as content as I was. Warm and close and comfortable. 

I.. I really want that moment to be my life. That forever. That is paradise. 

But then, as all good things are wont to do, the moment ended. But it wasn’t a sad ending. It was a new beginning. 

A-Yuan had shifted after his show had ended and looked up at Lan Zhan, asking if it was time yet. I had no idea what he was talking about but Lan Zhan seemed to consider. He looked at his watch, then nodded with a hum. Apparently this was the correct response because A-Yuan whooped and basically just RAN to the kitchen. 

I looked at Lan Zhan, completely confused, but instead of answering my silent question he just smiled and offered his hand to me. Never one to miss THAT opportunity, I took that offered hand and let him lead me to the kitchen where A-Yuan was pulling out… cookie cutters?

“We have to make the batter, first,” he reminded A-Yuan, making the boy pout a bit. “But you can mix the dough” was enough to get him back into his chipper spirits. 

“Batter…?? Are we making.. Christmas cookies? A bit late for that, isn’t it?”

“Never too late!!” A-Yuan protested. And who am I to argue against that?

“There was a rather good sale on the cutters when I was out so I thought perhaps A-Yuan would enjoy it.”

“You thought right!” A-Yuan chirped happily before asking what ingredients we needed. 

I helped gather the ingredients. Various white powders, eggs, butter, vanilla and so on. With my hands in the rather sorry state they were still in I let them handle putting everything together and mixing it up (safer that way anyway. Even with this, part of me wanted to add a bit of spice to the mix. Sweet and spicy go well together! And I think it’d make an interesting cookie! Maybe I’ll try that on my own some time) but I got to roll it out for cutting. 

And then I discovered that when Lan Zhan saw there was a sale on cookie cutters he had apparently decided to buy one of each. There were tons! Even some repeats because of buying some bulk packages of them as well. But that’s okay! Can never have too many snowmen!

Cutting out the shapes was so much fun! We let A-Yuan pick out most of them but even so. I stepped back and let Lan Zhan put them in the oven though. I’m.. getting better but hot stuff still makes me nervous sometimes. 

Actually it’s really frustrating! It wasn’t even the kitchen where the explosion happened! It was my bed area. They’d intended to get me in my sleep. It really really was only luck that my explosion went off after a delay. It was probably supposed to go off at the same time as the other one and if it had…

I think Lan Zhan noticed my thoughts starting to spiral again because suddenly he was in front of me. He brushed my cheek with his thumb, either wiping off some flour or putting some on. He gently guided me to look at him and smiled even more softly at me. “I’m here,” he said, his voice low and careful. I smiled back and covered his hand with mine. 

“Are you okay, Xian-Gege?” asked my suddenly acquired new ankle weight. I must have looked quite bad because apparently A-Yuan noticed too and latched himself to my leg. He doesn’t do that as much as he used to when he was little (though being with A-Ling seems to bring that out in him again). I reached down to pat his head and smile at him too. 

“I’m fine,” I promised to him, then again to Lan Zhan when I saw him still looking at me. “I promise.”

And I was. The moment had passed as quickly as it had come and suddenly I found I really was okay. I hugged them both and thanked them before asking what we wanted to do while the first batch cooked. 

Lan Zhan pointed out they would only be in the oven for a few minutes which surprised me. I always forget how fast they cook. Blame it on making them SO rarely. And that I don’t cook may be another factor. Hah. Ah well. 

We stood around and chatted while we waited and before I knew it the timer dinged and Lan Zhan was switching them out for the next batch.  I don’t know if A-Yuan or me was more impatient for those cookies to cool, but Lan Zhan said that the frosting would just melt off if we didn’t wait for them to be at least room temperature. 

I pointed out that maybe I wanted a melty snowman he didn’t know. But he gave me a look so I sat on the bar-stool I’d pulled up and pouted sulkily.  A-yuan climbed up onto his own stool and sulked with me.  Lan Zhan was pointedly NOT looking at us which made it really hard to  hold the pout for wanting to giggle instead. A-Yuan and I shared a look and we both almost broke, but I managed to just re-exaggerate my pout and he copied my expression. 

I had just started to implement an old, tried and true method of mine of making a quiet whine noise that very slowly increases in volume when Lan Zhan finally declared that we could decorate them now. With many whoops and hoorays A-Yuan and I set to our task (A-Yuan still on his stool so he could have easier access to the counter. He’s already 7 but still a bit small for his age if I’m honest.) 

The two of us decorated our little hearts out while Lan Zhan stayed in charge of swapping out the cookies in the oven. Eventually, though, he ran out of cookies to cook so I tried my luck at getting him to join us in the decorating. 

He seemed rather reluctant but I’m nothing if not persistent. “Come oooooon, please? I wanna eat a cookie that Lan Zhan made!!” 

I think that’s what finally convinced him. I’ve noticed, and I do TRY not to take advantage of this too often, but… well he never denies me anything. Like… ever. Not unless he has a really really good reason.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m really good at pouting or if he really just loves to spoil me that much? Maybe both? I mean…. Okay I’m… Since New Years especially I’ve been re-framing how I look at our relationship. And how he reacts to me and how we interact with each other.

I know I know. About time? Look, you can’t blame me for being careful. Okay? Just… ugh. Anyway….

Maybe it’s rose-tinted glasses. Maybe I’m reading way too far into things. Maybe I’m just wrong. But I hope… I hope I’m right. I hope that what I’m seeing is true. I hope…

But we’ll get into that later. 

Lan Zhan helped decorate the rest of the cookies and it went…. About as well as his decorating back at the corn maze had. Bless his talented heart but arts and crafts are definitely a weakness for him.  A weakness that is now snuggly coupled with his shit aim in my heart. The two ‘flaws’ that he has and they just endear him to me even more. How is that fair? Somehow him being bad at things just makes him even MORE perfect? That’s just not fair! 

A-Yuan and I laughed at a particularly hideous angel cookie, but when A-Yuan asked if that angel was supposed to be ME I think we both died a little. (Lan Zhan did not confirm nor deny the identity of the angel cookie but at a glance it did seem to share my morning bed-head hair. And he gave it clothes that were rather dark and tattered as is my preference. But that could just be chalked up to lack of finesse with the piping. The grey sprinkles for eyes did add a bit of suspicion though.)  I mentioned if it was supposed to be me they’d better snap off the wings which made Lan Zhan scowl at me and hold the cookie rather protectively.  I laughed and promised I wouldn’t destroy his hard work and he reluctantly relaxed and went back to his careful decorating. 

Sooner than I would have liked we ran out of cookies to decorate. Though I’m not sure where we’d put them if we had any more. They covered every flat surface in the kitchen while the frosting settled and dried. “Which ones do you want to take home?” Lan Zhan said after a while of gazing fondly at our kingdom of sugar soldiers. That… kinda made my heart sink. Right. Home. A-Yuan was gonna have to go back home. Which was not with us. Wen Ning was going to be picking him up soon.

Should I be concerned with how fast I got used to it? The three of us together in the play-acting of a little family? Probably. 

A-Yuan hopped around the kitchen and considered carefully, picking out some of his favorites to give to the rest of the Wens. He asked me to give a sparkling snowflake to A-Ling which just made me melt. 

Eventually we got all his selections all packed up in tupperware and ready to be taken away. But he came up to me with one last cookie in his hand. It was a christmas tree he’d spent so long carefully decorating. And honestly it was a masterpiece considering he’s all of 7 years old. He’d done his best to color in the star at the top with gold frosting and the branches with green. He’d placed strings of dot sprinkles in alternating colors as garland and shaped sprinkles for the ornaments. He’d even tried to put lines in the frosting at the bottom to make it look like tree bark, though that had melted together into a bit of an un-even lump. But still.  

“I made this one for you, Xian-Gege,” he said with the brightest smile. He said that he was scared when he found out I was hurt but he was so glad that I was okay. He was saying something else but I cut him off when I hugged him so tight, careful not to crumble that precious cookie. 

I still have it. I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. Eventually Lan Zhan and I sprayed it with stuff (per instructions seen on the internet) so that we could preserve it and keep it forever. I turned it into an ornament for a christmas tree. I wonder if we can have A-Yuan over next year. I wonder if he’d notice it. 

I was… a bit emotional up until Wen Ning finally showed up to collect his nephew. There was another round of hugs where I told A-Yuan how much I love him and how proud of him I was and then he was gone. 

And it was just me and Lan Zhan. 

I sniffled a little and Lan Zhan carefully took my hand to comfort me. I smiled a watery smile at him before we both went about cleaning up. We nibbled on some of the more unfortunate looking cookies  (which honestly weren’t ALL Lan Zhan’s since I had some failed experiments of my own to add to the ‘reject’ pile) and soon the kitchen was properly spotless. But it still smelled like the cookies, the scent of sugar and vanilla mixing with the sandalwood that usually dominated the home in a mix that was surprisingly pleasant. 

Once we’d finished cleaning up, Lan Zhan took my hand again and led me to the living room to sit down. “Wait here a moment,” he said. He went off to the other room to get something. I listened to the soft sound of his footsteps and the rustling of paper. He sat next to me again and asked me for my hands. I offered them to him with a questioning stare that he ignored in favor of undoing the wrappings I’d put on earlier to help protect them while we made the cookies. 

One at a time he slowly unwound the length of thin cloth until my poor raw knuckles were exposed. 

I asked him what he was doing, but he only responded by pulling out a bottle of something. It was apparently some sort of ointment or lotion. Something soothing. He poured some into his own palm, rubbing his hands together to warm it up before he gently, oh so gently started to rub it into the skin on my hands. I stung for a moment, though he soothed it quickly by blowing on my hands with care. But after the initial contact the sting faded. It smelled so nice. A bit medicinal but definitely sandalwood. 

Apparently that’s what he’d gone out for. That ointment/lotion/whatever it is. He’d seen how tender my hands were (of course he had) and wanted to give them extra care. He’d apparently had to go across town just to get it. The post-christmas shoppers were already out in full swing gobbling up sales and crowding the streets. 

I… he hates crowds. When we shop we specifically try to go out when there are less people when we can manage it. And dealing with post-holiday crowds. I know for a fact that he’s done his best to avoid that his whole life. And going all the way into town just to get me some hand cream. Just. 

My heart.

I can’t handle it.

Even after the cream had been rubbed in with so much care, he kept holding my hands. Rubbing and massaging the parts where the skin was intact and a little up my wrists. 

Eventually he stopped but I held his hands before he could pull them away so that I could place a kiss in thanks on his knuckles. When I looked up again he was staring at me. So close. So soft. So…. 

I pulled back with a cough that probably did nothing to hide my flaming cheeks and he let me. Was it wishful thinking that made me think I saw a flash of disappointment in his eyes? 

I thanked him for always taking such good care of me. He told me there was no need for thanks between us. 

I smiled at him again and he smiled back. He smiles so much easier now than he used to. At least when it’s just us.  

Does that mean that it’s because of me? Am I helping him smile? I hope so.

[a-crimson-lion]

A (Hopefully) Reasonable Response

For @kiricookie .

[Read this if you want the following ramblings to make any sense.]

(Sorry this is so hecking long and all over the place, I just wanted to be thorough.)

[Manga Spoilers and Movie Spoilers Ahead]

I’m gonna do things a little differently here.

For starters, I’m gonna not gonna be addressing the fandom at large, because the fandom at large won’t be able to give me an answer.

I’m just talking to you, kiricookie. Because it’s your post, and you deserve to know what people (like myself) think of it. Just letting you know right now, and this is with absolutely NO sarcasm: I won’t be rude. I’ll do my damndest to not be rude.

Because you didn’t go and make that post and share it with the entirety of the world wide web just for it to get ridiculously crapped on without so much as a glance.

So, I’ll read it. I’ll think about it. And I’ll give you my thoughts. You don’t have to read them if you don’t want to. But common courtesy makes it so I leave the opportunity. You deserve that much.

You probably already know what this is about anyway. So I’ll start with something… unexpected, at least coming from someone like me…

...you’re right.

To be more specific, you’re right about Tenya. You’re right about how his split second decision to murder Stain should be concerning and in fact is concerning. You’re right about how he’s the most prone to lose his control and how his emotions get the better of him. You’re right about all that.

*Internal wince* Now, if you don’t mind me going into other details…

I’m not saying anything that spurnned on Tenya to murder the Hero Killer was in any way justified; it wasn’t. It never could be, it never should be. Murder is wrong no matter how the hell you look at it, and even if you have no choice but to go through with it, you shouldn’t be happy that you had to take someone’s life under any circumstances. But looking through Tenya’s perspective for a moment… he lost a brother, in a way. He lost a hero. Someone extremely close to him, who inspired him and others, who did nothing but good in any way he possibly could. And then he got cut down by someone who Tenya only knows as the antithesis of good and now his brother can’t do any good, or at least not as much as he used to.

Again, that doesn’t excuse attempted murder. In a morbid way, it’s sort of the logical extreme of when we saw Tenya at the start of the series: he immediately writes of Izuku because he only sees him as a hindrance and recognizes his own shortcomings after the fact. He immediately guns after Stain because he did something unforgivable in his eyes, and recognizes his own shortcomings after the fact.

In the heat of the moment, Tenya is prone to failure. He is prone to misjudgement. We’re talking about the same guy who decked his best friend because he was about to do something borderline illegal. The entire point of Tenya is to showcase the distance between what he wants to be and what he actually is, and the steps he takes to get there.

But yeah, the murder plot was a tad… oh who am I kidding, a HELL of a lot of overkill.

But circling back to why we keep scrutinizing Katsuki about his mannerisms while we keep praising Tenya from sunrise to sunset… I can’t speak for all of us Bakugo antis, because I know some of us have legitimate reasons for disliking him and the others are butthurt record players on repeat that you mentioned, but I can at least give out my reasoning behind it.

We don’t talk often about Tenya having a murder episode because he never tries to do it again, and he legit tries to improve and avoid anything similar happening again.

After the Hosu incident, Tenya admits that Stain was right about him, and he resolves to not be a screw up from then on out. He makes an effort to be a better class representative, a better example than what he had been setting before. He doesn’t deck Izuku just because “hE aNgY” during the Hideout Raid arc; he doesn’t want Izuku to make the same mistakes as he did, because everyone else was worried about Tensei, Stain, and Tenya, but Tenya was so dead set on “righting a wrong” that he ignored everyone around him and nearly got himself killed for it, and if things were any worse in Hosu, Tenya might not have been the only one dead. For all intents and purposes, that’s what Tenya thinks is happening again when the Bakugo Rescue Squad suggests tracking their friend down.

And like you mentioned when Tenya offered to lend an ear to Izuku when the Shie Hassaikai incident was tearing him apart from the inside, that’s the progression coming full circle. Tenya realizes that there are other people in the equation that he needs to listen to and that need to be listened to, otherwise they’ll do something completely ludicrous and get themselves and/or other people hurt in the process.

And the thing is, Tenya only needs to have his “Oh f***” moment once. And it’s barely brought up again, which puts out of the audience’s minds.

(Sidenote, while you’re “heroes not killing is weak” thing kinda came out of left field with me, I actually agree. A whole lot actually. Just so you know.)

The thing about Katsuki is that everything supposedly “wrong” with him… is still kinda going on to some extent. Sure, the people at UA have thicker skin and are willing to brush him off or call him out, but that doesn’t change the fact that some of his behavior is… highly concerning.

Personally I tend to avoid the Episode 1 suicide baiting (“avoid,” not “ignore”) because it was forever ago and it is repetitive, but I still think it needs to be addressed to some degree. In any case, Katsuki’s actions throughout the series are what get me and others to not think he’s exactly hero material. In any team exercises, he often puts himself at the forefront (not without reason, but still) and tends to shy away from tag-teaming unless his back’s against the wall. Despite what the Joint Training Arc would claim, Baku did most of the heavy lifting on his own, with little to no actual teamwork, though that’s more of a narrative problem than an in-universe problem. Even his teamwork with Izuku is still shaky at best; he keeps yelling at him, berating him, and telling him to do his best just so he won’t screw Katsuki over.

Say what you will about Katsuki’s “unique” personality, it may fly with his classmates, but realistically speaking, it’s gonna be a problem for when he does get into Professional Hero work. Can he be rude and snarky on professional business? Absolutely. Does he have to scream at his partner(s) whilst making them feel like they’re at the bottom of the barrel? Eh…

Before I commit to your last paragraph, I wanna bring up something. We can both agree that Tenya lost a hero when Tensei was attacked, right? We can both agree that his decision to ignore everyone and go in guns blazing was terrible, 0/10, wouldn’t recommend, right?

Okay. It’s not to the same degree, but… Katsuki has done something similar.

Katsuki lost a hero too. His name was All Might?

And what did Katsuki do well after the fight was over. He didn’t talk about it with anyone. He dragged out his childhood friend so he could rough him up, because fists is the only way he knows how to deal with his disconnect of societal expectations and, as AO3 would attest, Katsuki is complete s*** at feelings.

Katsuki did the same things Tenya did, albeit to a lesser degree. They both lost a hero. They both didn’t talk about it to anyone. And in the end, they both tried to hurt someone in order to alleviate their pain. The aftermath is… admittedly lucky for both parties.

So, about your last paragraph before the GIF… do you wanna know why antis (at least like me) keep bringing up Katsuki’s previous mistakes. It’s less so because they ever happened, or even because Katsuki did them. It’s more so because despite what the narrative and most of the fandom may think, Katsuki’s mistakes are never treated as such, at least not substantially. Eraserhead doesn’t even bother giving Katsuki a pep-talk about his behavior on the first day, or at any time he’s there to witness Katsuki acting like a jackass. All Might doesn’t stop the training exercise when Katsuki nearly kills a fellow student, which he was aware of being a possibility but it’s fine so long as he dodges, and it isn’t even addressed properly afterwards. In the Final Exams, Katsuki hitting his partner and later being dragged out the gate doesn’t bar him from passing, like say, Hanta; while Katsuki did contribute more, it doesn’t change the fact that his initial uncooperative behavior wouldn’t fly in the Pro Hero world, and he made himself a liability in those last few seconds against All Might. Even him losing the Provisional License Exam isn’t as big of a deal, because Katsuki gets to learn about a really important Quirk, no one’s grilling him like, say, Izuku is getting grilled, and not having his License and getting an additional day of house arrest spares him a potential “maybe strength isn’t everything” ass whooping from Mirio. I could go on a bit longer, but I think you get the jist.

Now, I’d absolutely LOVE it if society didn’t royally f*** up Katsuki’s perspective the way it did, but the problem is that the narrative has absolutely no intention of showing or admitting that Katsuki’s perspective is problematic. Ever since Deku vs Kacchan 2 decided that was enough development for Katsuki, he is always in the right, 100% of the time. Any opposition is few and far between, and will often be seen in the wrong anyway despite the legitimate concerns a person like Katsuki would present. Sure he can tell a kid not to look down on people during the Remedial Course arc, but when the Cultural Festival comes around he immediately decides to look down on the other classes. The fact that a majority of UA hates Class 1A is some grade-A bulls***, but the speech Katsuki gives to 1-A is also bulls***.

It essentially boils down to “F*** everybody else and only do things for yourself.” Because that’s what heroes are supposed to do…

That aside, Katsuki needs help. He needs therapy, anger management, and someone who won’t take his s*** just because he’s a so-called natural born leader with a flashy Quirk, because that’s what canon essentially boils down to. Any time Katsuki takes the lead, at least in my eyes, it’s less so because he’s a legitimately good leader and more so because the narrative has decided he’s the only one who should be taking charge.

I want Katsuki to improve, even if I personally have given up on the prospect of that happening. The problem starts when the narrative continually insists that Katsuki is more or less in the clear and is totally fine when really, he isn’t.

Izuku needing help is obvious and valid, but Katsuki needing (and getting) help is valid, too. Now if only the narrative could pick up on that.

And as for that last bit of your post… really, I can only speak for myself. As strong as Izuku is, as much as his opinion matters in this entire debacle, I can’t help but feel like Izuku is more blinded by nostalgia more than anything else. He still wants a connection with someone he’s known since childhood, and I can respect that, but the thing is, Katsuki spent nearly a decade telling Izuku, intentionally or otherwise, that he didn’t want the same thing. This continued from the time Izuku tried to help Katsuki out of a river all the way until after the Sludge Villain incident. And society had a hand in that bulls***tery, Katsuki was never the only culprit, but he was still a prominent one. And I don’t know about you, but nearly two years is probably not as long as you’d like to think it is, because that’s how long that it’s been since the overplayed, overrepeated suicide bait. And even ignoring that, two years isn’t enough of a gap between the near decade of societal degradation Izuku had to suffer through.

I don’t hate that Izuku is so forgiving. I hate that Katsuki isn’t willing to accept or consider it in any meaningful capacity. I hate that in a world where Tenya Iida, Shoto Todoroki, Kota Izumi, and even Gentle Criminal exist, that Katsuki has to be the contrarian because of his damn pride. And again, society f***ed up on that end, but that doesn’t stop the fact that Katsuki has actively refused to pursue other options, instead staying on the first and foremost thought of “blast it,” with his Quirk or his voice, unless he’s in combat, in which case it becomes “blast it but don’t be stupid about it.” Because Izuku’s forgiveness has worked before for the benefit of others. What does Katsuki get from Izuku’s forgiveness he doesn’t even fully accept, other than another obstacle he sees that needs to be beaten?

Yeah he’s still 16, yeah he’s a teenager and therefore still has the time to grow proper, but you know who else is 16? Tenya Iida. Shoto Todoroki. Two prickly, borderline asshole characters who also received gradual growth, faced setbacks and proceeded to grow past them. Meanwhile, Katsuki is still just passing the halfway point. I’m not putting that on Katsuki, but if Hori really wanted us to root for him, he shouldn’t have displayed that characters like Tenya and Shoto are able to develop overtime at faster rates than Katsuki can, and as much as I can keep playing the society card, Katsuki wasn’t the only one bombarded with high expectations. Shoto, Tenya, Momo, and potentially Mina all come from backgrounds wherein high expectations were expected of them; Shoto grew up in a confirmed abusive household for crying out loud, and we’ve seen him trying to grow past his issues.

Katsuki has yet to demonstrate anything similar. After Deku vs Kacchan 2, he’s still yelling Izuku’s ears off, or throwing his mask like a ninja star because comedy, or trying to fight a big time villain again because he still actually hasn’t learned to take a loss. Maybe it’s because he internalized most of his self-hatred and projected it onto Izuku so long, but I really can’t say for certain. The change doesn’t have to be night and day, but it can certainly be more substantial than what we’re getting now, and that alone disappoints me. And I’m sorry to say it, but the wait for Katsuki to finally grow beyond his excessive asshole tendencies and graduate to decent asshole is draining on me, and no longer a big contributor to me keeping up with the story (Izuku is a big contributor to that, because I’m basic).

Changing each other probably wouldn’t be advised, but their dynamic and their issues with and independent of one another should still be addressed. I have a big issue with “win to save, save to win” because of this, actually. Katsuki has to give a s*** about people, sure, but Izuku doesn’t need to focus more on winning when he already wins enough as is. It’s a false equivalence that further justifies the worst parts of Katsuki. That obsession with winning, with never falling behind in the eyes of society, only further fuels his need to put others down and push his physical capabilities to the maximum while he puts his emotional spectrum on the backburner. And the “friendship” he has with Izuku isn’t gonna change that, because again, Katsuki’s primary concern is surpassing One for All, surpassing Izuku as the Chosen One. He has yet to display any major concern for Izuku beyond the extent of his Quirk usage in the main series. The closest thing we’ve gotten was a look of shock on his face during Heroes: Rising, and this was in response to Izuku suggesting that he pass One for All.

On that note, Izuku cares about Katsuki, as a person, as a rival, and as a friend, and he has displayed this time and time again. Katsuki has only shown care for Izuku as an obstacle, as a challenge he must overcome and one he wants to overcome without hindrance. He has yet to show any semblance of care for Izuku beyond that with meaningful context, believe it or not. And quite frankly, I’m getting sick of people wanting to bring Katsuki on board just because Izuku is giving him the benefit of the doubt when he arguably hasn’t done anything proper to earn any of Izuku’s trust. I know Izuku’s not weak, I know he’s sound of mind, but Katsuki is not a rational subject for Izuku. He has known this boy since childhood, he has seen what he is capable of, and his optimism keeps him in a favorable light. That is incredibly noble of Izuku, and I commend him for it, but I cannot stand by the decision when Katsuki’s attitude towards Izuku and his actual contributions to Izuku’s journey don’t show anything direct or substantially reflective on Katsuki’s end.

...but that’s just me. The hell do I know anyway?

And if you actually bothered to read this word vomit… thanks.

-Crimson Lion (18 August 2020)