#i think it’s a mental battle I have with myself but it makes me sad how many hobbies I used to have and enjoyed

[raplinesmoon]

i think the thing that no one tells you about being forced into being a high achieving child/teen is how much it comes to fuck you over later in life when you can’t do anything without holding yourself to an insane level of perfectionism and then you realize it’s basically leeched all the fun out of any hobbies you created for yourself and left you with a shell of a personality

[fuzzymakercloudduck]

Paige Bueckers x reader

Fluff! Comfort!

I’m sad, wrote this out of the fact I needed it

This is so self indulgent btw

Dusk till Dawn

I have come very far in my career for a twenty two year old, I knew that, but there is a twinkling feeling that chases me for so long, a feeling of failure as if I will never be good enough, it’s exhausting having to fight your brain in a endless battle day to day.

Through the years it got easier, I have found friends that were there for me, my family, my job which I love, and then Paige who has become my sunlight. But sometimes the things I went through, the mental stress I was once caged in comes backs crumbling the steps I took so far.

And it was exactly what was happening right now, an overwhelming takeover of anxiety, I have been overworking myself lately, the fear that I will be a failure knocking down my walls, trying to drive properly as tears blur my vision was not a easy task when I literally couldn’t even breath.

For some miracle I get to the building safely, but I just couldn’t push myself to even get my belt off, I sit in the car and just fall apart, remembering everything, the times in my teenage years I wished I were gone for good, and I know it wasn’t right but I got myself wondering if I done enough to deserve to have lived, if I suffered enough to deserve to have happiness, to deserve Paige, to deserve anything good that I got.

I dry my tears and try to look put together as I bring myself up to Paige’s dorm, hoping the other girls weren’t there so they wouldn’t see me in this state, I just needed to be in my girlfriends arms.

Thankfully once I open the door, the living room was empty so I was able to just go straight to Paige’s room.

Once I standing in front of her door I take a deep breath before knocking.

“Baby, it’s me” I noticed my voice being raspy because of the meltdown I had so I try to cough discreetly as I hear Paige opening the door.

“What happened?” Her face is of immediate concern as she look my face up and down, I was stupid to think I could just pretend everything was fine, at least to the one who knew me the most, and that realization instantly made me have new found tears streaming down my face as I let out a sob, the feeling of stupidity filled my whole body as I hide my face in my hands, right away I felt Paige’s arms around me pulling me in as she closes the door behind my back, her smell sinking me in.

“shh, it’s okay, I’m right here” I feel her guiding me to her bed as she sit us both down, her words made me melt into her embrace then my tears came for real, it felt like hours of simply crying and sobbing as Paige’s hand went up and down my back soothing me down, she kept silence, knowing me well enough to know I need to formulate my feelings before anything else.

“I’m right here for you baby, d’ya wanna talk about it?” her voice was low as she kissed the side of my head. I take a deep breath as I hold tight onto her before saying anything.

“I just felt so overwhelmed lately, with work and within myself really” I let out a sob before continuing, “it makes me so anxious that those feelings I felt when I was in the deepest stage of my depression will just come knocking down everything I’ve done, all the way I crossed, I’m just scared” I finish and feel her arms falling from around me to now her hands holding mine as she look in my eyes.

“You have no idea of how strong you are, and I understand is so scary to know you ever felt that way, but the difference is that you were dealing with all that all by yourself, you don’t have to do it anymore, whenever you feel like you lost just remember I am right here with you, as well as so other people that love you, you’re not alone anymore, and you’ve come so more far than you even realize.” Paige whips the tears that spill out of my eyes as second nature and then pull me into her chest laying both of us down, suddenly all the unsafely mindset evaporate, being drowned out by the comfort of the person that loves me.

“And I need you to promise me that you will always talk with me when you feel like this, ok?” She look in my eyes as she say this, Paige was one of the only people that I shared my past history with mental health medicine and the darkest side of my depression. “Doesn’t matter where or when, the moment you need it I am right here, you do not need to be strong alone, I love you”

“I love you Paige” my eyes were so heavy because of the tears,I knew this would be a bigger conversation in the morning but for now I really needed to drift in sleep in her arms, my safe space, my home. “Thank you for just being you” she held my tightly as she grabbed the blankets to throw over us once she realized my eyes closed.

“I’m here from dusk till dawn” I feel a kiss pressed to my forehead right before I stumble in sleep.

*NOT PROOFREAD, ALSO ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE SO DO NOT COME FOR ME

[vivithefolle]

You seem to be really against Hermione for the bird incident, but don’t seem to care much about Harry sending Hedwig to claw at Ron and Hermione during the summer preceding fifth year, why is that?(/gen) You also seem to ship Ronarry. Is it just because she’s the canon love interest that you’re so upset? I know Harry regretted telling Hedwig to do what she did afterwards, but I don’t remember him ever apologizing to Ron and Hermione. How can we know that Hermione didn’t apologize to Ron after he came back in Deathly Hallows but before the battle of hogwarts?(I agree with your opinions on Hermione in general, I’m just curious.)

If you don't know, I've made some jokes about how Harmony shippers are right about Harry and Hermione having something in common, which is that they both sent birds to attack Ron.

Harry doesn't interest me nearly as much as Hermione because to be frank he's pretty much just... the most boring character in the series to me. I like him for his Ron-loving potential which is pretty off the charts when Rowling isn't actively using Ron as a stepping stone for Harry and Hermione to look better.

I'm actually a pretty big Romione shipper even if I myself get confused about what I'm mad about sometimes. Honestly, it's just that I've kinda had it with people constantly writing Ron fucking up and having to make it up to Hermione, I want her to be fucking up and making it up to him and it not being considered a Crime Against Women Everywhere because yeah, women fuck up and hurt men too, men also get abused or shat on by women, it happens. Hermione as she is has a pretty toxic mentality, what with her often using violence completely casually (her first "big heroic moment" in the series is to set a man on fire) coupled with that shitty tendency of Rowling to use "Hermione on the verge of tears" as a kind of sedative to make the average reader go "who cares what Hermione did before, she's crying NOW and that's UNFORGIVABLE, PROTECT HER".

But, Harry himself also has a system like that, by virtue of being Our Poor Orphan Protagonist. Honestly, I hate to say it but Potterheads read another book because yes, Harry is nothing new, when an author wants you to root for their protagonist they give them a backstory that makes you want good things for them, yes Harry's suffering is just all destined to make you attached to him and meant to make you think everything that ever happens to HIM personally is automatically The Most Horrible Thing Ever To Happen To Anyone Ever and I'm kinda done with that as a whole because of fandom experience. I can only tell people to pay attention to what Ron goes through only to be rebuked by a "but look how hard Harry had it, in comparison Ron is a baby" so many times before I get completely soured and decide that the character they feel so sad for doesn't need any more people to feel sorry for.

... I don't know if I'm being clear. But yeah I function mostly through pure spite nowadays.

I know Harry regretted telling Hedwig to do what she did afterwards, but I don’t remember him ever apologizing to Ron and Hermione.

He did say a token sorry to Ron specifically:

He showed Harry the index finger of his right hand, which sported a half-healed but clearly deep cut. ‘Oh, yeah,’ Harry said. ‘Sorry about that, but I wanted answers, you know –’

(I say "token" because yeah it's not really an apology given how it's immediately followed by a justification.)

Hermione however?

‘He seemed to think it was best,’ said Hermione rather breathlessly. ‘Dumbledore, I mean.’ ‘Right,’ said Harry. He noticed that her hands, too, bore the marks of Hedwig’s beak and found that he was not at all sorry.

WOOP WOOP FEEL THE HARMONY YET

How can we know that Hermione didn’t apologize to Ron after he came back in Deathly Hallows but before the battle of hogwarts?

Honestly she can have apologized anytime, I'd just like it to be shown to me, and I'd like it to mean something.

While for example @divagonzo believes that after Malfoy Manor Hermione realizes her own mortality and blunts her sharper edges, I still remember the scene where Ron isn't sure they can trust Griphook and Hermione immediately insult him for being racist. Yeah, if that's blunting her sharp edges then I sure hope she's got other ways to do it otherwise she's gonna need a lot more Malfoy Manors.

As it stands, Harry and Hermione are really underdeveloped and bare-bones. If Harry has a character arc then I've missed it entirely because while he does realize that Snape has reasons and shit he's still kinda hating on him all through OOTP, HBP and DH until the Epilogue pulls the rug from beneath our feet. Hermione has moments indicating there's some things happening - her arc with Luna in OOTP is neat, in DH she finally learned to thank Ron for complimenting her - but aside from that she never is confronted to actual failure, to actual dilemnas, to actual problems without a true "I'm right you're wrong" solution - we only see her "being right" without anything exploring what she COULD be beyond "being right".

Which leaves Ron to shoulder the burden of having to do character development for two static characters that amount to "male role model" and "female role model". Ron IS confronted with failure, with actual dilemnas to which there's no easy answer or solution, Ron IS confronted with his personal character flaws... in pretty much every book, he's kept in a loop of "complete character arc" -> "oh no JKR needs drama to happen and she can't have Role Model 1 & 2 do it because they're supposed to be Above Mere Mortals" -> "backtrack on Ron's character arc so he can cause the drama so she doesn't have to strain her brain too hard", which is pretty obviously a disservice to Ron's character. And sadly, the fandom picks up on it but takes the wrong message from it: instead of realizing "wait, Rowling is violating the rules of good storytelling by constantly backtracking on her one good and complex character's development all so she doesn't have to risk Harry and Hermione's popularity by using their character flaws to create conflict", the fandom instead goes "ugh Ron is always causing messes while Harry and Hermione always have their hearts in the right place and always want what's best and anyway if they ever did something bad it's because they were forced by the situation".

It's... upsetting.

[vxmpirehunterd]

UPDATE: A REASON FOR MY ABSENCE, A BRIEF SUMMARY Normally I don't make posts about my life but I think I need to give an update to all the peeps out there about my random absences. I don't talk about my life a lot due to the amount of dysfunction and heartache that goes on behind the scenes that drain my will to be creative, to interact with everyone, to even live. It's like every year that goes on, there was something in the background that disrupted my life and mental state further.

First and foremost I've grown up a parentified child taking on responsibilities not mine to bear with no say in the matter. Being forced to give up my own childhood for my own parent's selfish decisions. Then I moved away from my mother's to my father's. Which wasn't even better from 2014-2019 living with him was very terrifying due to his anger issues and violence whenever I didn't do things his way. He had this expectation for me to go to college full time while working full time and expected me to pay for my own college and pay him rent. When I stopped going to school to focus on working, he would verbally and sometimes physically hurt me. I had lost a severe amount of weight due to the stress and decided to move back in with my mother in 2019.

Fast forward 2021 my father died of cancer and my mom is in a custody battle with one of her many baby daddies and looked to me for financial support since she hadn't worked in nearly a decade. I had started a new job around that time but my mental health was drained at that point.

Now in 2024 my mother has decided to bring my elderly and sick grandmother into the household where we don't have a lot of resources and we really aren't equipped to give her proper care. But now the table has turned where she has finally got a new job a month ago and I am not working currently. She decided to dump the task of taking care of a confused, incontinent, elderly grandmother onto. Even though my own mother never had anything good to say about her own mother and I don't have great experiences with my grandma either. But we have to take care of her because "we're family." Gimme a break.

So right now I'm a bit pissed, sad, tired, and a myriad of other unpleasant emotions. If you ever want to know why Koji is gone all the time. Here is your answer. Family life bullshit.

But not to worry, I've been working on trying to get myself out of this hole I've seemed to find myself in again. Because I do want to interact with all my new followers and old ones. It's just that I've been recovering from deep wounds.

[cawthorntales]

Grayson: So are you excited for our date?

Glenn: I'm very excited!

Grayson: I'm glad to hear it. I'm looking forward to get to know you a bit more.

Glenn: I'm an open book. Fire away!

Grayson: Any secret talent I should know about?

Glenn: I can tell what color a flower will be before it emerges from its bud. I mean I know what color everything in my garden is but if I'm like out at a park and there are trees or shrubs yet to bloom I can see in my mind what color they'll be. Spellcaster blood I guess. Not the best secret talent, I can't show it off at parties, but I enjoy it.

Grayson: That's an amazing talent! Don't sell yourself short. I can't even grow a weed. So being able to tell what a bud will even be is awesome.

Glenn: Thank you Grayson.

Grayson: You're welcome. So far am I what you expected or thought I'd be? Or have I surprised you?

Glenn: The camera does not do you justice, you're way cuter in person. Not to say the entry photo looked bad, just you look really good. You also check in on us everyday which is just the sweetest. I thought we'd have to come seek you out and have battles for who could speak to you for the day. Like one conversation winner and the rest of us stuck in a walk in freezer or something. But you check in with all of us, it's good. Plus, seeing abs in person is always nice. I have been sad not to meet Olive yet though, do you have any pictures on your phone?

*Grayson blushes*

Grayson: Thank you! What is your biggest dream?

Glenn: To find my person. I know that's probably the annoying stereotypical answer but it's true. I'd like to live in a world where it's okay to be different, where differences are celebrated you know. I want to find someone who can say with a real smile on their face, that's my guy and he works some magic. I'm not ambitious for fame or fortune, my garden generates enough income. But I'd like to find someone I can share life with. To be at my side through the ups downs and diagonally's. Is that a word? It sounds like it should be. I'd like to grow my garden more sure, but I'd rather have someone to sit in my garden with you know?

Grayson: Not annoying or stereotypical at all. I'm after the same thing. I think you kind of have to be to make yourself so vulnerable on a tv show.

Glenn: Very true. It's an interesting experience for sure.

Grayson: What do you like most about yourself?

Glenn: This is going to sound so conceited! My confidence. My grandfather has always been big on being proud of where we come from. He taught me lots from a young age about spells and gardening and the like, but he also taught me to trust myself. That everything we do, bar breathing and such, is a learned skill. We always have the capacity to grow, be better, do better. I have a toolbox of physical and mental skills. Put me in a tricky situation and I will find a way to thrive, like the saplings that burst through the pavement. There's stuff I would not have made it through if I didn't start out with the belief that I could succeed. So yeah, I like that I'm self assured. I also really like my birthmarks. I used to hate them because kids would tease me about having a dirty face or a dirty arm all the time. But… they make me me. I wouldn't know the guy looking back at me from the mirror without them, I love that they make me unique.

Grayson: Doesn't sound conceited to me at all. Nothing wrong with believing in yourself. I wish I was able to do it more myself. Your grandfather sounds like a pretty awesome guy. For what it is worth I think your birthmarks are adorable.

*Glenn winks*

Grayson: What do you love most about the outdoors?

Glenn: Getting to see the beauty that exists in nature, it takes your breath away. Like in Belgium there's this forest that annually will have all these bluebells spring up amongst the trees making it look like a fairytale. Or the waterfalls in Yosemite park make lunar rainbows called moonbows which look stunning. But I mean you don't have to go to the big famous places to see it. You might see a tree in the park that's been there one hundred years and you just think about all that the world has been through in that time and that tree has just been there and kept standing. Or the wildflowers that grow out in the fields year after year.

Grayson: I love how excited you sound. Nature is very beautiful. But I think I like the view in front of me just a bit more.

*Glenn blushes*

~

Week two is solo dates. Each guy is taken to the same date venue(I lack options lol) Grayson will give one interaction a get to know. It is up to your contestant then to engage on the date. Glenn did the following: flirt, compliment appearance, i love your smile and flatter. He then left Grayson to talk to this old guy as well as other people at the venue the rest of the date. @changingplumbob

[scaphismpriest]

Tiktok is a cesspool of ableism against narcissists and usually I shake my head and roll my eyes, but i just saw a Tiktok comment that made my blood boil.

Keep in mind that this was on a cluster B safe post, and someone manages to think its okay to blame abuse on NARCISSISM. I am a person with BPD and NPD, im not going to get personal in my life because this is the internet and not everyone needs to know what ive fucking been through, but i know for damn sure that "narc abuse" is not a fucking thing and generalizes narcissists to be abusers and dangerous people. Sure, you can get abused by a narcissist, but you can also get abused by literary ANYONE, this is why you dont see people say "im suffering from blonde abuse" or "im recovering from christian abuse" because nobody in their fucking right mind would use someones appearance, race, mental health, religon, physical ability, gender, sexuality, ETC as a excuse to label and generalize a group of people to describe abuse. I had a ex girlfriend who would abuse me and she had BPD, I have a mother who also emotionally and verbally abuses me and shes schizophrenic. You dont see me say "im recovering from borderline abuse" or "im suffering from schizophrenic abuse" because that generalizes people with BPD and schizophrenia to be abusers. Do you see the fucking problem here yet? Oh but when its narcissists, or people with "scary mental disorders" like ASPD, then its suddenly okay to label us as scary abusers or dangerous people? Some of You claim to be advocates for mental health but when it comes to us then you suddenly give up because we're "too much for you to waste your time on" or that we're "Hopeless" and "Helpless" if you so called "Empaths", egotypicals, and neurotypicals actually gave a fucking shit about us, you would understand that we've also been hurt, we've been treated like shit and neglected by the world, we bite because we are scared, we are constantly in a battle of self hate and fake ego, we are insecure, we depend on attention and success to survive, we are neglected children at our core. if you really gave a shit about mental health and our well being, i wouldn't be here thinking "wow man i should really rid myself because the world views me as nothing but a monster so therefore i should off myself!" "but you've also hurt people!" I know, I am aware, I've already taken that accountabilty and MAJOR steps into becoming into a better person and have recovered greatly these past months and you dont know or understand me more than the people ive hurt personally, you dont get a say in what happens because thats NOT your ground to stand on and say whatever YOU think and ive had people disrespect that. I am FORTUNATE to even be loved and cared for still by the person ive hurt, and even I myself dont feel like I deserve that such mercy, I am forever grateful but It also makes me truly sad, not for myself, but for the person I love the most. I genuinely cried writing this, this is more so a vent but I hope someone sees this and atleast understand me on a true empathic level, instead of a perception. I hope i dont regret posting this, because this is the most youre gonna see me vulnerable for a LONG time.

[literaila]

Heyy so I've readed your fanfic A Typical Family and I can't stop re reading it because, well, let's just say that the manga is not at it's finest (Prettysureyouknowwhatimean.) and your fanfic is doing a great job helping me with my mental stability caused by Gege Akutami 😀 so thank you!

I love everything, I sure as hell needed that fluff. But one of the things I like the most is actually y/n's past, I like that you didn't went into details about what happened to her and it was just mentioned like two or three times. I like that a lot because it makes the character more intriguing and you give the reader the posibility of being as creative as possible when it comes to her past, I atleast came up with a few ideas of how she used to live.

But after Chapter 29 I couldn't help myself but wonder what really happened to y/n with her family during her youth. In details. Because I felt that there was A LOT going on-

So yeah, that's why I searched for you in tumblr, fell in love with you after scrolling down your account for a bit (which means hours) and decided to ask you if you could specify more about her past? What happened to her? How was her daily life living in a place where she was missunderstood by her own parents? How did her parents treated her? Did she always felt lonely? Is that why she's so insecure when she became a mother? I REALLY am intrigued.

Thanks again for everything and let's hope to find that annoying cat's hideout 😄🔪

(idoindeedunderstandexactlywhatyoumean)

ah. my dear reader.

she started as just an archetype of sorts, i suppose. like a person in my head but not enough of a person to interfere with the story in any particular way

the focus was abandonment issues so that satoru/suguru leaving could actually have some purpose.

but as i’m sure everyone is well aware—i don’t do simplicity, and i wholeheartedly believe that each and every character (in any media) should be a little… messed up? hurt? battling their own demons??

i think about things in the ways that it’ll improve or harm a story. and satoru leaving reader after being left by everyone else—that’s what i latched on to originally

(actually originally originally it was just a one-shot of megumi calling reader mom and being upset about it… ah how things change)

so i continued with that idea and im not sure when exactly i decided that her parents were awful, but they were. it made it easier for her to avoid talking to satoru about any issues, and easier to understand why she would care so much about these kids and them growing up with (no offense to gojo) a child for a father.

and at the beginning you can tell (or maybe only i can idk) that she is less self conscious about herself, and more worried about the kids. how are they going to react to this? how can a recently graduated person become a mother in under an hour? so it’s not that she’s insecure because she didn’t have a good childhood—that’s just how she is. too thoughtful, a bit anxious.

(mostly just to tie in satoru and readers relationship because i figured they’d need some balancing somewhere)

but then as the characters become more of their own, i needed more from her character. why does she care about these kids so much beyond just having morals? why do they trust her almost immediately?

and this began in the part where she’s consoling tsumiki—because i wanted to give baby a moment sorry not sorry. suddenly she missed her estranged parents and understood how sad miki felt. how much losing your mother matters.

but i’ve always made it fairly clear that tsumiki is just trusting. so easy one there.

but with megumi—reader is more worried that satoru is going to raise him under his wing. and obviously, that’s a horrible decision. satoru is barely a normal teenager to reader so… yeah she doesn’t trust him with megumi. who is obviously impressionable and easy to persuade.

plus the boy is rough for a six year old—needs a gentler hand than some people (ahem, satoru) can give him.

but unlike tsumiki, megumi was going to take time. so instead of a moment they have lots of little things—like the fact that she can read his emotions even when he’s trying to close them off, or that she watches him interact with both tsumiki and satoru very differently.

their trust is built on silence—but once megumi can depend on someone there’s really no going back.

and none of this has anything to do with reader necessarily—but her foundation is made from the two children, and satoru.

and then i had to push some more on the two of them. because—they are in love (they don’t say it ever, but it’s obvious), but they need a reason to hide it.

for satoru it’s because he has been raised to be the most important thing, and to not really trust anyone. and when suguru leaves he realizes that no matter what no one will understand him—he’ll always be a level ahead, a step too high.

so for reader it has to be different. some echoes of pain. and as soon as i realized how scared she was for megumi—i had to give her a reason to be scared. i imagine that she’s always been terrified of jujutsu, not because it’s difficult or because there was some nasty curses, but because it essentially ruined her life.

i imagine her parents to be average, run of the mill people. i think she depended on them when she was very young, and was naturally trusting (like tsumiki) as a child. she’s the type to believe that her parents are the best people in the world.

but once a little girl begins to see things that aren’t there—to scream and hide in closets, or cry while being dragged into the kitchen—things shift.

i don’t think it was bad at first, but when her cursed technique manifested, her parents understood that she was something other.

outwardly, they provided everything a child needs. food, home, clothes, education. but they refused to listen to her when something was wrong, they would leave the room when she entered—because she carried that negative presence with her.

so, i think to reader, they treated her like she was the curse.

and when yaga shows up, rattling about jujutsu high and these strange things that only the two of them would be able to understand, there was no returning back into the child her parents had loved.

she was different. too different for them to understand—or want to even try to.

i doubt they gave her a choice in going to school. if they could get her out of their house, get her curse out of there—they were going to.

(not to mention that there’s no reason for her to stay at home—not with two people who couldn’t care less about her).

so she was essentially sent away at fifteen and (like reader says) they were gone not too long after that.

(i think both the first and second years found out about this because yaga was trying to be nice and tell them not to push and accidentally revealed too much information. also he’s a gossip oops).

with the type of childhood she had—bad but not awful, nothing to run from—it makes it hard for her to connect with other people. and reader truly does believe she is the curse because that’s all she’s been taught.

but everyone at jujutsu high can understand, even if it’s the smallest amount. going there changes her life, simply put.

with at least five other people there to understand the things that she does—the burden is divided equally among all of them. she doesn’t have to hold it all alone.

so she connects with suguru, begins to realize she was just a child and not a problem. she learns how to control her cursed technique and is no longer scared that she’s doomed to forever push people away.

and she makes friends. friends make all the difference in the world, obviously.

plus, there’s satoru and he’s a burden of his own.

but at least she gets to choose it this time, no matter how difficult he makes it.

[so-many-fandoms-here]

(English isn’t my first language so feel free to correct any mistake you notice.)

• Characters: Levi Ackerman, fem!Reader

• Genre: angst, fluff

• Warnings: mentions of death, grieving, mental breakdown

Ascot

...:::**•°✾°•**:::...✾...:::**•°✾°•**:::...

-Levis Pov-

My hands shake uncontrollably as I look down on the torn white fabric in them. I was always so careful, always washed it separately, looking closely that it wouldn’t be exposed to too much soap. I even put it in an extra drawer so I wouldn’t lose it by accident. I feel so dumb for wearing it all the time, even in battles, because I should have known that someday this worn out piece of fabric would fall apart. My favorite ascot, my lucky charm, the last memorabilia of my mother now had a nasty cut at the bottom, splitting the white fabric and exposing the seams that had held it together.

The tears that spill out of my eyes are burning like acid and leave an itch on my cheeks behind. My cries are loud and ugly, unnecessary dramatic over something so small but I just can’t hold them back. Sob after sob, whimper after whimper squeeze it’s way around the big knot in my throat and escapes into the suddenly thick air. „No no no no no no…“

Crying suddenly feels so exhausting that I have to sit down on the dusty floor, so I sink down, my eyes never leaving the precious cloth in my hands.

I don’t recognize that someone comes in at first, not until they kneel in front of me. „Levi?“ A voice soft like a feather speaks to me. „What happened?“

I look up and see (e/c) eyes filled with concern through my teary vision. (Y/n) must have heard me crying while passing my office door. Hopefully no one else did.

I opened my mouth but shut it tight again because I was so embarrassed to admit it and I didn’t want her to think poorly of me. What kind of a captain am I for crying over something so insignificant?

But it‘s not. It’s not insignificant.

My thoughts race while I try to figure out if it’s better to keep it to myself or to tell her. (Y/n) is a loving person, calm and I never heard or see her judging someone. She is a dear person to me and while I look at her another wave of embarrassment washes over me, this time for worrying she, out of all people, would make fun of me.

Slowly I open my hand and reveal the cloth to her. „My ascot ripped“, I whisper while shaking like a leaf. Her hands cup mine while she eyes the fabric. „It’s not just a regular ascot“ I continue. „It’s a piece of my mothers dress. It’s all I had left of her and now“ My voice breaks again. „Now I destroyed it.“

(Y/n)s hands move from mine to my face and she gently cups my cheeks while wiping away the tears with her thumbs, just to be met with new ones. It feels like I can never stop crying again.

„I can sew.“ Her voice breaks through the wall of sadness that has built up in my ears and I look up again. „I can sew“, she repeats. „I can fix it Levi. It’s going to be okay.“ My eyes are glued to hers as she stands up and reaches for my hands to help me up too. „I’m just going to get my stuff. I will be back in a minute.“ She squeezes my hands before letting go of them and walking out of the room.

Completely overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions I am feeling I just stay still, waiting for her to come back and just like promised does (Y/n) walk back in a minute later with a small basket full of yarn, buttons and needles.

She places the basket on my desk and walks around it to sit down on my chair. Then she holds out her hand to me, asking for the cloth in my hands, which I hand to her. Completely in awe I watch her as she licks the tip of the yarn in order to get it smoothly through the small hole in the needle. Then she rips the yarn with her teeth and ties a tiny knot at the end of it. She guides the needle with skilled hands through the fabric and I can watch how the ripped pieces of my precious ascot become one again. It looks like magic when she does it. She closes her work with another knot and hands me my ascot back with a smile. „This should work.“

I take it back and look at it. If you don’t look closely, you wouldn’t know it got sewed. (Y/n) is already in her feet again as I look back to her. „Thank you“, I say while returning her smile. I don’t think anyone has ever done such a nice and meaningful thing for me.

Her hands find mine once more, but this time they take my cravat back in, just to move to the back of my head and tying it neatly around my neck. „I have a memorabilia from my parents too“, she tells me while bringing my cravat in place. „It would destroy me if something happened to it.“ Proudly she eyes her work. Then she takes the basket back in her hands and steps back. „I see you at lunch.“

Just as she is about to walk out the door I raise my voice one last time before I can change my mind, causing her to turn around again. „You’re my favorite person, you know?“

The joy in her smile creeps from her lips through the room to me, tickling the corners of my mouth until I rise them up too. „And you’re my favorite person“, she answers before leaving my office.

[real-fire-emblem-takes]

Hello, i am here with a take that people might hate me for but we'll see.

Xander is the worst sibling out of all of the siblings and Ryoma is better in quite a few aspects (keep in mind all the siblings are my favorite characters and both these two are rather low on my list of fave sibs)

Don't get me wrong i don't hate him, i actually really like him, i might out myself saying this but one of my fave ships of Xander is with my favorite sister and one of my favorite characters in the game, Hinoka; it's great support that give actual royal courting vibes and he is very nice with her it's just sweet.

But, besides the fact he becomes obsessed with killing us in Birthright, being Takumi's counterpart, in Conquest he is not really that better. Besides the fact he attacks us in his reintroduction after a (for me, i'm not that great :,v) lowkey traumatic battle just to "keep us in our toes" like bruh read the room.

The siblings in general but specially him wait UNTIL THE LAST FUCKING MINUTE TO KILL THESE ANNOYING PIECES OF SHIT IAGO AND HANS WHEN THEY COULD HAVE EASILY DONE SO FROM THE BEGINNING-

Like it's a lot more beliveable if we killed Hans in like chapter 10 and being like hey thems the breaks and kill Iago after than waiting until winning the conquest and being like "oh we missed a rogue soldier and killed them" like bruh you are so dumb and Garon would have given literally 0 fucks, maybe bring some new people but if we kill em too he would be like oh i guess my pawns- wait sorry, children are just built different, like honestly-

Which connects to my other point, his speech of Justice is an illusion infuriated me because, taking the upper point in consideration and the fact he does have a lot of power in goverment is a fucking joke, CEO crying when people complain about them without doing anything to make their employes lives better type of pathetic.

He is not a good brother in general, a parentified brother maybe, but not a good brother, everytime he would say "i am always on your side, nothing could ever change that" it just boiled my blood, i was just mentally screaming YOU FUCKING- LIAAAAAAR like that one Kardashian clip everytime cuz WTH that's a fucking lie.

Ryoma's reintroduction is him defending us of a Bully basically (in this case it was Leo and like come on both Leo and Takumi are, they are the same guy) and his interactions in story are just so nice man, he just screams big brother and in Conquest he continues, his sacrifice fucking broke me because he really cared for us.

"Oh but his obsession of bringing us back is weird because we are not blood related" I hear you whine and, my sibling by the gods, you do not understand this family dynamic and that's sad for you; but if you take into consideration that Mikoto was not only married and loved Sumeragi, she most likely loved and married Ikona as well, since both Sakura and Takumi are younger than Corrin. They had a very close knit family relationship and they were, in fact, chosen siblings in a way.

In general people have a lot more empathy towards the Nohr siblings than the Hoshidan siblings which i think it's fucking stupid because not only is all of Hoshido martyred and victims of crimes AGAINST HUMANITY (worse than war crimes) like everyday, their family was ruptured by an assasination and a kidnapping on the. Same. Day.

"Oh but he is very detached from Sakura and Takumi" Of course he is, he is taking care of a fucking kingdom in the middle of a war, as we see he has a lot more responsabilities and say in everything relating to the kingdom than Xander since the beginning AND in their supports he really comes through in fixing his mistakes, unlike Xander that fucking SPAT at Elise's sacrifice when he could have done so much more and in his supports with her he is, honestly, a little bitch that doesn't want to listen until the last support where he sees results and he is still like uh idk if i should choose peace or whatever.

I get yall want to ride this conqueror, rizzless, white man dick, i get it. But don't say he is better than Ryoma, i do see his flaws but also, just like Takumi and Leo, they are the same guy.

EXACT

SAME

GUY

Just one is white and the other asian (yes i just spoke of their differences but i know you guys WILL get counterpoints from mine and that will prove this last point, they are very balanced!

They are at most on the same level and honestly I still don't see it, I think Ryoma is just better.

-🧟‍♀️Zombie anon out

HOSHIDO 4LIFE

/

[thecreaturecabin]

Not to be mushy, but I’m feeling very proud of myself recently.

I’ve been in a battle with my psyche for my whole life. Mental health used to be a ball and chain on my ankle that kept me in my bed, but in my adulthood I’ve been working hard to change that.

I don’t like being defined by my struggles- I don’t think anyone does- and working on these issues with the multitude of therapists and doctors I’ve seen over the years has been a tiring journey, but worth it.

Ive always struggled with self esteem, and it’s been a player in almost every aspect of my life and mental health. I’d say it’s the root of a lot of my problems.

I’ve finally reached a point in life where I’ve unpacked, worked through, and made peace with a lot of trauma- things that I decided were more pressing than my self esteem and needed to be worked on before I even thought about self confidence.

Now that I’ve made it here, I feel like I have room to breathe and think about the next steps. Self esteem is a huge hurdle to overcome for me, and it’s intimidating, but I have confidence.

It’s improved in ways over the years- I do love myself and I do think I’m a good person. I’m a creative and empathetic individual and I can say that now and believe it. And I’m proud of myself for improving my self esteem as much as I have on my own; but there’s still a lot of work to do.

I am determined to be happier. I will always always always strive to be happier, to be healthier, to be the best version of me that I can be. Mental health has controlled my life in ways, but I don’t want to look at it as a demon. It’s part of me, and maybe that means I’m sensitive and it’s easy to slip into sadness- but that’s okay, because I’m learning what to do when I get there.

The valley is not an unfamiliar place now. I’ve been there many times, amongst the haze and heavy air that makes it hard to breathe, but now I know what routes to follow to make an escape.

I don’t doubt I’ll be there again someday; it could be tomorrow for all I know! The unpredictable nature of the future can be very frightening, but I have confidence in what I’ve learned, and I hope that my journey through these valleys has shown others that it IS possible and there IS a way out.

[quietbluejay]

Fulgrim 2

also I should warn that this one (commentary for the book not this specific post) has more swearing than usual for me no I could not come up with a better way to express myself. I realize that it's a bit hysterical warning for swearing given everything about this book but there's the book and then there's the commentary

Fabius: is it tho Fabius: uh you do remember what happened with the EC geneseed- Fulgrim: YES I REMEMBER OKAY Fulgrim: hmmmm guards leave us so Fabius got permission to modify the geneseed

is it really that brilliant then also they continue to take brutal casualties i don't really have an idea of how many are in each company to know what these loss numbers mean but they're calling it brutal this is the EC version of a warrior lodge meeting which is supposed to be without rank but uh

when the primarch is in your warrior lodge what are you gonna do ok becky pov

Y I K E S

also there's a lot to unpack here re going after the young she's also got writers block lol

of course she has blue hair and pronouns though I'm pretty sure this was written way before the meme

wheeze so they decided to completely get rid of the ostensible reason for the lodges and the best part of them Fulgrim has two new dudes to introduce to everyone oh!! it's Saul!! and Lucius!!

tarvitz: literally the sole non-dickish EC

so they're going to right away go and link up with Ferrus and the IH once they're done

you know more people should talk to Fulgrim like that, it'd be good for him

everyone :NooooOOOOoooo everyone: we wanna chill with the IH okay so this is Eidolon, Saul and Lucius being sent off to end up on Murder Fulgrim: food time now!

lmao suuuure they're in a stormbird about to fly in for the final attack on the Laer solomon is also the guy who talks about fate and "god of battle" heh solomon suddenly feels like sth terrible is going to happen to his legion

if i had a nickel for every Heresy novel that talked like this about war poetry i'd have two nickels now lmaoooo kharn, julius, shake hands Fulgrim: well this is perhaps maybe not quite going according to keikaku Fulgrim: kinda smells nice though

you may now enjoy the mental image of Fulgrim punching the air also the laer managed to cut his face because he was too distracted thinking about cool things to do in the future well fulgrim my days of not respecting you sure aren't coming to an end actually you know what it's weird i haven't seen a single muscle description squints at McNeill this is so un-McNeill-like annnd they're going underground to the temple

well julius: are they like dying or something fulgrim: well they seem to be enjoying themselves- ooooooh shiny

THE RETURN OF THE UNDULATION but this time it's the snake people undulating so it makes more sense than ahriman's muscles Fulgrim has taken up the sword also huh it's weird there's been zero mention of Laer civilians or kids or i guess eggs? Fulgrim: ok let's kill them all now i mean…you were already doing that…

diasporex!!!!

they were investigating a place that should have had low resistance so these interlopers must be destroyed

balhaan is a history nerd and is excited by this

beautiful lmao

also you know what makes Balhaan sad about attacking the Diasporex? he's destroying a piece of history when he targets their ships

like if this was a WWII book from a Nazi POV at least 75% of everything about this guy wouldn't feel out of place (the 25% being the metal limbs)

hahaha get rekt the diasporex ships pulled a fast one on him and lead him into a trap

it sure would be nice if i got a pov in this book of someone who wasn't a deeply unpleasant person okay i guess sculpture dude isn't that bad new POV, Santar goes to brave the primarch in his den

this isn't too bad but what does it even mean "kept the chamber dark" are they stuck over the windows??

AUGH MCNEILLS ROCK HARD FLESH STRIKES AGAIN im hoping that by "nearly naked" he's at least wearing a cup or something because i'm pretty sure freeballing it in power armour is uhhhh

wait don't even primarchs usually wear that suit thingy in between the armour and their skin wouldn't this be hideously uncomfortable everywhere?

does ferrus have a single positive quality

ferrus yells at santar about them getting sloppy

so, kind of blue-coloured then?

lmaoooo also "eyes like silver coins" has me imagining something like coraline eyes so far in terms of attractiveness tiers we have: everyone thinks they're the hot ones: sanguinius, fulgrim creepily beautiful: lorgar "so very beautiful": horus magnus: magnus attractive but only some people can see it: russ not bad looking: dorn, guilliman ugly and/or wrecked by war: ferrus, angron, mortarion tbh i don't remember everyone else's descriptions well enough anyways santar is staring at ferrus' arms of course he is

what a guy that ferrus

anyways santar successfully defuses him oh ferrus' eyes don't have pupils creepy Ferrus and Santar have a moment lmao, Santar feels like his soul's exposed as Ferrus stares at him and Ferrus puts his hands on Santar's shoulders and is like "you're important to me"

note to self: do separate post later re: World Eater and Iron Hands parallels and why Ferrus should have been Angron's foil

you'd think he'd be used to it lol

[selfhelpforstudents]

Tips to fight depression

Disclaimer: These are small things that have helped me in the past when I was going through a lot. Thankfully, I am fully healed and love my life. But I know how incredibly hard this battle is - and I also know that it can get better! <3 If you are struggling with mental illnesses please contact a doctor. If you want to talk to someone else about your feelings, please join our self help group on Discord. We’ll be happy to welcome you.

The 5-4-3-2-1-method when awfully anxious. What are five things you can see right now? Are there four things you can touch? How do they feel? Name three things you can hear. Two things you can smell. And now...one positive thought in your mind.

Cry me a river. Let it all out. Cry for as long as you need. Think about the things that make you sad. Make them heard inside your head. And cry. This will release muscle tension and make you feel more relaxed...maybe even numb.

Escape this world and find yourself again in a fictional one. Read a book or watch a show or a movie. Make yourself feel as though you’re the main character. This will create distance between you and your hectic life and problems.

Move. Right now. Get up and move. Move your body. Go for a walk. Maybe even a run. Just get some movement into the moment. Please. Put on some music and dance as if no one is watching.

Do something good for someone else. This is what I’m doing by writing this. Helping people can help YOU. If you want to do this right now, maybe join our group chats and tell your story so more people will know that they are not alone. What I LOVE to do is buying homeless people food and clothes (socks are super important).

Go take a shower and brush your teeth. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve probably all been there. Not showering for a long time happens. Not brushing your teeth happens. We survive. And that takes up all of our energy. But right now I want you to take that shower and take care of your body. Please.

Accept that you are ill. Have compassion with yourself. I’ve always felt guilty and despised myself for being depressed and anxious. People tell you “Why can’t you be like everyone else? Why can’t you do this and that?”. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Happy. At least that’s what they all seem to be, right? I hated myself for not being able to feel anything anymore, for being messy, for not showering, not being “a normal person”. People judge and look down on you. Yes, I haven’t washed my hair in two weeks. What about it?!  But all that is not my fault. I am ill. I can’t live the lives healthy people live. But hey, that’s okay. God didn’t give me mental stability but he did give me intelligence, a wonderful heart and the most amazing boyfriend.

Last but not least: Let’s get to the peak. Do it yourself. Well yes, you can imagine what I mean. It really helps, researches have found. Having umm...you know...the best part in the end...will make you feel better. And everyone does it.

You are not alone in this. There are so many people who suffer. So many people who even take their own lives. But please stay with us. Please go and see a doctor. Talk to someone. Talk to me. You are not alone.

Love, Sophia

Feel free to follow my Instagram account for some study motivation <3 Instagram

[beans-core]

I finally got around to watching season 2 of Invincible (great show btw) and… oh my lord.

I need to ramble. I MUST.

spoilers after the cut! (If there’s still people who haven’t watched it lol I’m late to the game)

Oh my good god. There’s so much, but this is just the stuff that’s lurking near the front of my brain.

First off, Allen the Alien is the pookiest pookie to ever pookie. He’s so sweet and so determined. He literally risked loosing a battle on purpose to try and be taken to prison, a prison of the enemy, on the off chance that Mark’s dad would be there. And even then it was still a maybe that Nolan would even want to help the cause! Allen still trusted Marks word completely, even though it sounds crazy... “yeah dude okay I believe you, your mass-murdering Viltrumite father who totally tore up Earth and a bunch of other planets has changed his mind and feels bad. Good to know, I’ll make sure to find him and make sure he isn’t executed. I also understand you not wanting to ditch your planet and loved ones, and even though I’ll get in trouble with my commander I’m not going to force you to come to space with me. Bye now, sorry for breaking your bed, nice seeing you man!” And this was all in season 2. Even in season 1 he was still a bro. Allen is the Bro Code personified and I love him for that.

Eve and her family always makes me tear up. Because I can understand how her father, a hardworking man who was probably raised on the saying ‘money doesn’t grow on trees’ — who now has a daughter who can literally make money grow on trees— would feel so upset. It doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s yelling at his family like a dickhead, but it’s still a whole shitty situation. It’s always a grand ole time when Eve is back with her parents… ha ha. The little pep talk from Rex was an awesome little insight on their relationship through the years too.

Rex… my boy, how do I even begin. He’s been a reluctant fav of mine since season one, but he’s also such a douchebag! Sucks that it took being shot in the head and watching your superhero friends/coworkers die in front of you to realize that maybe the whole douchebag thing isn’t really the way to go. But yeah. Good for him! Want more of his backstory tbh, think that’d be cool. And yes, I know I could probably look through the comics and see if there something in there if I really wanted to. But what if I spoil something for myself :c

The Immortal grieving and confused on why he feels so much… the parallels to Nolan with that… not to mention the reveal of Kate being alive! The way he stood there stunned before hugging her was so beautiful. Ugh. Was a bit weary of their relationship until Kate said ‘he knows what it’s like to die over and over’ and then it was like bam they’re in love your honor new otp.

And man. Amber and Mark were my old otp… I knew it was going to end sooner or later (I accidentally got spoiled bruhhh) but I really had hope for them. Sad but honestly Amber deserves the world and if Mark can’t give that to her (and he’s so sad about it too he just wants to go to college and be normal and love his bae) then literally no one can fault her for putting her needs first. That’s another thing I love about the show, there’s no shame when people put their own lives first, and the tough conversations are organic. Magnificent. Anyway Amber is amazing I’m going to miss herrrr T-T hopefully they stay friends and she shows up in other seasons!!

Have I mentioned that I love the gorey fight scenes? Because I really really do. It’s the whole reason I started watching Invincible. So the scene with Mark beating the life out of that slimy megamind with the name I don’t remember? AMAZING. For me, anyway. Mark experiencing the panic and mania right after was still not so great for him, but for me? Good soup. I like my soup seasoned with extra angst, morality struggles, and mental breakdowns. Yum.

Mark hugging his mom so so tight after he gets back to his dimension and curling up crying on the hospital bed next to her? Hitting a little too close to home. Had to pause to wipe my eyes. Also grape baby Oliver has all my love. If something happens to that child, I’ll want to burn the world down. Mark Grayson probably will.

Mark telling his mom he needs to get better so he’s leaving college. ouch. “I need to learn to control myself”… “I can’t be like dad”… gods above. And also “what am I going to do, become a dentist?” LMAO it sucks but he’s right, unless some crazy shit happens and his morality suddenly crumbles to dust, he’ll be a superhero. Because with great power comes great responsibility and all that. There’s usually a bonus savior complex included in the package, but everybody doesn’t learn about that until later womp womp. He and Amber talked about it too, she said something like “if you were the type of person who didn’t immediately leave to go save people, we wouldn’t be dating”. PERIOD.

Don’t even get me started on that last line from Nolan. Caught me by surprise, came out of nowhere. “I think I miss my wife.” STRIKE ME DEAD… I actually shed tears. After everything he’s done, after getting a new wife and having another child and seeing Mark again,,, this bastard is just now missing his wife?? He’s so fucked up fr. But the pain in his voice, BRO, he sounds so confused and heartbroken, like he’s wondering how after everything he’s done to earth and their family, how can he still miss his wife when he doesn’t even deserve to think her name??

Man. This show. So many different subplots and they come together like *chefs kiss* it’s amazing. This show makes me FEEL, even for the characters that I thought I’d always hate… the writers and actors and everyone make all of the characters so human it hurts. EVEN WHEN THE CHARACTERS ARE ALIENS—

[monotonous-minutia]

Sleepytime: Why a seven minute cartoon made me ugly cry

aka no one needs to hear this story but I'm going to tell it anyway

Bluey, the popular children's TV show that is equally beloved by adults, has been on my radar for about a year, but I only recently started watching it. The kids at work talk about it frequently and I wanted to be able to keep up with them as they finally discussed something age-appropriate. Also a few of my adult friends had mentioned it before and how much they enjoyed it. So I picked it up one day and it was just simple and fun and relaxing and sweet. However I didn't realize how emotional it would be. I found myself tearing up on more than one occasion, watching the little puppies overcome their fears and frustrations and discover the magic of the world around them. I wiped my eyes on my sleeves and went to bed.

Then I watched this one.

"Sleepytime" is the story of Bingo deciding she wants to have a "big girl sleep" where she doesn't wind up in her parents' bed in the morning. When she tells her mother this, her mother replies that she supports Bingo in this endeavor but will still be there to help her if she can't do it tonight.

Here's why this gets me.

When I was like 12 or 13 I started having these periods of time every few weeks that would last a few days where I couldn't get to sleep. I'd be awake pretty much all night. Nothing worked to get me to sleep--lullaby CDs, breathing exercises, wind down routines, mindfulness... Nothing. When I got older I started keeping books by my bed to read when I couldn't sleep, but the first year or so it was just a battle every night where my body would be exhausted and my mind was worn out after hours of trying to keep myself mentally occupied that I'd just lie in bed crying willing myself to sleep because I didn't have the energy to even think anymore. It made the days harder too because I'd be so tired and when it started getting dark in the evening I'd get anxious and sad because I knew the bedtime struggle was coming. (I think this may have been the root of my summer depression.)

It honestly felt like this.

Everyone else was asleep and peaceful and resting and I was alone in the dark with no one to ask for help.

You'd think my parents would have me checked out or something, but no, I was left to deal with it on my own.

At one point my mom did try sleeping in my bed with me. It was comforting to have her there but I still couldn't get to sleep, and my tossing and turning kept her up.

In "Sleepytime," both parents spend the night going back and forth from their room and the kids', attending to the children's various nighttime needs. We see the exhaustion in them, but they never behave in a way that lets the kids know they're annoyed.

When my mom couldn't sleep because I couldn't sleep, she dragged me out of bed and into the kitchen to point at the clock and snap at me, whisper-yelling that it was two in the morning and she'd been up with me for hours. She told me I was being ridiculous and just needed to fall asleep. (As if I hadn't been trying.) She brought me back to bed and left to go back to her room. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night. I never talked to her about my struggle again.

In "Sleepytime," Bingo's mother sees her upset and goes to her.

She stays with Bingo until Bingo is ready for her to go.

In Bingo's dream, her sadness is swept away when she feels the warmth of her mother coming to help her.

Even when her mom does leave, she makes sure Bingo knows she's always there to help her when Bingo struggling.

Bingo is able to stay in her own bed on her own until the sun comes up. The early morning rays are a comforting and optimistic sight.

For me the light coming in through the window marked the end of an exhausting journey and the beginning of a day that was just leading towards the same ordeal. It was a cycle I felt would never end.

It did after a week or so, but then every few weeks it would come back. My parents eventually contributed it to "my time of the moon" and left it at that. No one helped me through it and I kept my crying to myself.

There's a lot I can say about my childhood but I won't right now except to say I never really felt supported by my parents, and that they made sure I knew when I was being an inconvenience. This was kind of the start of that realization for me.

So when I watched this episode for the first time and saw the ways that Bingo's parents--especially her mother--not only helped and supported her but did so happily and without complaint really struck a chord with me.

I've heard other people describe how this episode made them cry because of the beauty in the image of a mother's love for her child. It's a little bit different for me. It brought back all those feelings and memories from that time in my childhood and this sense of loss for the unconditional love I felt I'd been denied. When I finished the episode for the first time, after I'd already been crying--tears actually falling down my face--I stopped the TV and sobbed into my hands. Full-on ugly crying which I normally never let myself do because I was never allowed to. But I was alone and it was the middle of a Friday night and this show has become so special to me and this episode was so much more personal than the others before it and the imagery and music were so evocative I just let it all out. I probably cried for a couple minutes and went through at least four tissues.

I still can't watch that episode or hear the music without at least tearing up. It's such an empowering story for a kid and such a lovely message for grownups and I felt both of these but it also brought back the memories of my childhood insomnia so vividly I couldn't handle it. I couldn't believe I was jealous of a cartoon dog and her fictional mother. But I wish I'd had hers for even a minute during that time. Someone who'd give me warmth and comfort until I was ready to let go instead of leaving me alone to figure it out myself when all I wanted was someone to tell me it was going to be okay.

[lezdiary]

Going through Dostoevsky’s Notes from Underground, I realize that him and I have a lot more in common that I imagined. It’s quite sad actually. Once you get a full picture of who he was and who he was trying to be, you understand that most of us have a conflicting perspective of who we are vs who want to be for the outside world. I don’t know if I’m making much sense. For instance, I spend most of my time thinking about scenarios that I could have handled better, this leads me to obsess over those situations and eventually I grow resentment towards myself. I used to constantly ask myself why certain things happen to me. I felt like I was the one person in the world who experienced such hardships, my brain couldn’t comprehend it so I would ask why? Why this sad feeling? Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel different than others? I didn’t realize that a lot my existentialism questions were being answered through books. What baffles me is the way I pick these books always aligns with my current mental state, which then leads me to find the answers I didn’t know I was missing. Anyway, when I read this quote I immediately realized that we all battle with the same uncertainty, but that uncertainty brings awareness which makes you even more unhappy because your brain is exposed to the truth and you have to abide the truth.

[youremyheaven]

Omggg yess mercurial women slander (crazy coming from a mercurial woman but that’s how bad they be 😭). I also think k since Imm more Venusian than mercurial i really rub these girls the wrong way; like claire nakti said they’re competitive with other women.

I had the MOST DERANGED experience with a jyestha sun and revati moon chick at my old music program—I was starting to get to know this guy while I became friends with some girls, but then they met her and she created SO MUCH DRAMA and it hurt me to the core; I see women as my fellow sisters and she centered men SO MUCH. Everyone in the music program hated her but be t over backwards tolerating her and not causing trouble by checking the bitch—guess who did? 🤣

In real talk tho she is such a creep. She’s very predatory and at this point Imm not afraid to say abusive. She singled out the newcomers to the program, especially international students and younger folks like me. She would then lovebomb them, and then if she felt threatened she would treat them like shit. I didn’t stuck around fir the creepy sexual aspect because she had me pushed out before that point; I also did really mesh with the twisted mindset she had. I remember she made so many sexual comments AROUND the guy friends (one i liked but as I said before she got involved and it imploded beyond repair, she’s manipulated him to the point where he really thinks she’s mentally stable) and my former friends just followed suit. She’s also a purva phalguni asc (our synastry was fucking crazy since I’m revati sun, magha moon, purva phal jupiter conjunction said moon and jyestha 8th house—this chick was honestly obsessed with me in a baddd BAD way. I was everything she pretended to be to get approval and attention and it set off all her buttons. I scared her though because the first thing I did was talk to professors when she attacked me. I was also the only one to tell her to her face to whit causing problems because no one’s going to care about putting up with her after this place and she needs to get her issues in check now before she really fucks herself over; she was all tearing up and shit, very sad and dark person.

Also, the Venus cult cibe was totally there. She practically made a weird cult out over her friend group where she treated them like dirt; I know one girl who was also a tropical virgo moon like myself had a crush on a piano guy and this woman went out if her way to fuck him and then comforted the girl about her crush while actively hooking up with her, and that’s AFTER I was gone. She was extremely manipulative, tried to pretend she was “worried” about me because I was so “negative” and “saying things she hadn’t done to teachers”, bitch did not know I was raised by a mrigashira stellium man who I’ve already learned narcissistic abuse from. I left the music program because everyone was too much of a pussy to put her in her placd and I was outnumbered, abandoned and alone. It was very tiring. She was also a subpar singer yet had this attitude of being the best since she had the most experience—it was literally a program FILLED with beginners. At this point I want her to get her meds and I’m very worried for the people my age in her friend group—she literally makes the people around her WORSE. It’s horrific, I’ve certainly met people like her before but not so genuinely mentally unbalanced and desperate for control. Also the creepy sexual predator aspect—I almost want to report it to the college that she’s creeping on people my age (just turned 20) while she’s turning 25 this year and making out with all these kids while hanging out. I’m clearly more battle worn so not as naive and I naturally end up around older people since I’m honestly a bit more grizzled for my age (won’t say mature I’m literally just traumatized) but she really picks kids who don’t have a clue and pretty much traumabonds with them, abuses anyone who makes her feel slightly insecure, and puts her sexual energy all over the place. Literally while know when she is disrespecting boundaries. She makes me sick honestly but I pity her because she’s deeply broken.

I’ve also noticed the pattern with jyestha where they accomplish things and then act a fool and their accomplishments insulate them…for now. I’m mainly talking on Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift; I know you think venusian asc is the root of taylor’s cult—it’s definitely jyestha as well. Both of these women are pushing their luck and hold on their power and are fucking themselves over. Jyestha takes them to the peak and then they tear themselves down. Or perhaps just inflates their pride, or takes them to their perceived place of success (music program chick was never anything and sadly she isn’t talented enough to eclipse her hideous soul) and then let them either build themselves up or dig their own grave. They really think they’re so clever cause they “got away with it”; their karma is truly only compounding in force. I feel like as a revati native i see through jyestha behavior and like…you’re stupid??? What the fuck are you doing??? Literally this has no point and you’re only hurting yourself???? They’re certainly aware they’re fucking up but not enough to know the “attacks” are the consequences for their own evils. Balanced jyesthas are cunty though. I 😍 mother naomi campbell. Unbalanced mercury women are miserable vampiric freaks with no sense of shrewdness or foresight because they get away with things initially and fool themselves and more susceptible people. Idiots, honestly.

I think one of my childhood friends was ashlesha and she not only instigated sexual activity between all three of us but literally tried to steal from me and of course tried to make me feel small and unwanted (like dirt basically). They can’t take it when they’re met with balanced, genuine people. I showed nothing but love to these women initially and they dragged me through shit in thanks. They don’t know how to accept real love because of all the shit we tend to go through and it’s very sad but as a ketu native I AM a psychopath as we all know and I don’t care 😭 stop hurting people and embarrassing yourself you fucking freaks 💀 I’m speaking from the trenches girls you need to STAND UP and GET RIGHT WITH GOD. Fucking crazy 😭😭

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mercurial women competing with other women is SOOOO TRU in my experience, my toxic abusive "friend" only ever felt good about herself when I wasn't doing well lol , ,, like she literally had the most sinister ass smile