#i think maybe i think so logically at times im not sure where the disconnect is

[ribbonsandhair]

LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS WITH MISSY!!!1!1!1!1!1!

this is about atsv and just the spiderverse in general cause I just love it sm BUT ANYWAYS!!!!!

has anyone ever realized just how like CREEPY the concept of the spiderverse is? like if I was in a room where it was different versions of me, who have lived different lives and made different decisions along with its consequences, I’d be freaking tf out 😭😭😭 especially when miguel brings up the canon event theory and how in the end spiderman looses SOMEONE. it’s like the spiderperson is bound to suffer no matter what they do just because they got bit by a spider.

also what got me thinking about this and how existential it is was when in the comics of the spiderverse (idk which it was but I kinda remember what happened) pavitr was talking to another spiderman about how they’re all different variations of one person and aren’t completely unique or original. he even thought he didn’t do enough as spiderman and just felt like he wasn’t achieving as much as the others. which leads me to my other point as to how overwhelming it can be to be a spiderperson. like not only is it kinda unnerving knowing that there’s another you somewhere in the universe and also along with the fact that ur made for suffering, but there’s different spidermen and women who have probably done more than you and it just leave you like “oh wow im pretty fucking bad at this lol!”

and then along with atsv, it’s even creepier when you think that maybe, before miles, there were other spiderpeople who were against Miguel’s canon event theory. his theory barely makes sense but it also does??? but how can you even begin to use logic on the multiverse, which (in the wise words of dr strange) “we know terrifyingly little of.” like ik that Miguel’s universe is way more advanced than the others, but again the universe is constantly changing and expanding, which can cause new ways and concepts that we probably won’t be able to figure out for years. and what ended up happening to those spiderpeople who were against him?

ALSOOOO let’s talk about Pavitr’s dimension because JESUS CHRIST???? ITS LITERALLY GETTING SUCKED IN BY A BLACK HOLE (LIKE HOW OETER WARNED IN THE FIRST MOVIE) AND NOBODY IS WORRIED??? ALSO UHH CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT IN HIS EARTH’S ALCHEMAX, THEY WERE BUILDING A FUCKING COLLIDERRRRRRR?!(&3@2@2 LIKE WHO AUTHORIZED THAT?? was it mfin KINGPIN or did scientists feel a little silly and decided to build a whole ass machine that can create a rip in the fabric of space. AND THE FACT THAT IT ALSO WORKED TOO BRO…. LIKE UHMMM???

and then what’s gonna happen to pavitrs dimension bro 🤨 because I’m sure we’ve all seen that one picture from one of the artists giving a whole visual set to how the spiderverse net thing works. dimensions aren’t completely gone, but rather disconnected…. so what about gabi’s too 😭😭 it literally said that it was just snapped off, and spiders can always weave their webs back together. in the image we also show how pavitr’s isn’t completely unattached, but holding on by a few threads. would they end up finding a way to fix it???

also I’ve had this unrealistic theory lmao where they travel back in time and the entire story just resets!!!! it’s silly but tbh since we know time traveling is possible since Hobie’s universe is based in the 70s? im pretty sure AND GWEN TIME TRAVELED A WEEK WHEN SHE FIRST WENT TO MILES DIMENSION BRO. like maybe the way to fix things is if the collider never happened, because that was the root of the entire problem, right? idk man but it’s just there’s so many possibilities and i cannot fucking wait 😭😭😭

[petrichoraline]

SLEEPOVER SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳

what are your top 5 japanese BLs?

tell me about a fond memory or your comfort food (or both!!!!!)

[I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

[LOVE YOU TOO MY SWEETESTTTTT💗💞💕💖💓💗]

these are suchh good questions omg okay

i suck at ranking things and don't enjoy it one bit because i don't do faves, im too fluid in my tastes and can't ever pick criteria but! let's try in no particular order

1. Kieta Hatsukoi

i think im in the habit of dropping things from my fave lists as time goes by and especially if they're well beloved by other people like "okay then I'll focus on this less talked about thing, my bby seems to be getting enough attention"; how and why I work that way im not sure but I do and by that logic kieta hatsukoi should not be on my list but it's an honorary member - I've watched it twice (with maybe a bit of skipping which is still a lot cause I don't really do rewatches) and I've read most of the manga. it's just so..easy to like, for a lack of a better phrase. it's inoffensive and suited to be a comfort piece of media in whichever form you decide to enjoy it (and it'd make an amazing anime, i guarantee people would be all over it)

the live adaptation also takes the events of the manga and mixes them around big time but it still makes sense and it keeps you a bit more on your toes when consuming the other version, whether you watch the show or read the manga first

it's also a show I've recommended passionately and I successfully made my then new acquaintance watch which I'm a bit smug about lmao

sweet characters, supportive friends, funny, light and warm 💖

2. The End of the World With You

*indescribable screeches*

this showwww, i dont know if i can call it a fave since i havent once come back to it, i dont feel the need to go watch compilations of my guys or anything and i acknowledge there were some elements i found a bit lacking but! it's amazing. idc, this show gave me proper complex relationship where i still end up rooting for a couple of people who were toxic towards each other and did nootttt know how to handle a relationship; the dynamic is compelling, the premise is interesting enough, there are heavy scenes and plot points but it is embedded with hope

it also helped me bond a bit with a mutual i like <3

i just am thankful for it existing out there in the world, it served fucked up relationship (that i root for wholeheartedly), sexy times, found family, amazing acting and it didnt have most of the chaos an apocalyptic piece would usually be dealing with

3. BL Drama no Shuen ni Narimashita: Crank Up Hen

listen. we're getting some pretty good jbls this year but i said this will be jbl of the year and i still think it's a solid nominee.

the romance is tooth-achingly sweet. the leads are adorable. the acting is perfect and manages to deliver the comedy very well. it's cute, it's fun, it knows exactly what it wants to achieve and works with its timeframe to do it. the side characters do not affect the plot negatively, the hurdles the couple needs to overcome do not feel excessive. if you happen to yell at them for being silly, it's lovingly. also we got more chemistry than i expected! and it was really good. it also set up an example for ''japanese actors working on bls'' (found the things like shooting promos and the portrayed bts process really fun) so now watching 25 ji Ajisaka de i can't help but think of this show

4. Utsukushii Kare

my relationship with this show suffers from the "enough people love it" thing as well, i think i rewatched it or skipped through the first season? and i enjoyed the second one as well but honestly it feels not only as if enough people love it but that they love it and get it way better than i do. i didnt watch the movie out of fear of having to say bye to my guys but i also feel more disconnected from it now. im sure its still a gem of a movie and im so so happy we got two seasons and a movie, the show and the cast deserve it!!

there is just so much beauty in their yearning for each other and the misunderstandings, the downright stupid decisions they make..they all just work in making this a neat story of love that blooms from something different, from worship and the desire to be seen and to be held and to be possesed. they're wild, i love them

5. Kinou Nani Tabeta?

this show i watched years before i got into bl and i didn't even know it was a bl when i started it lol, i was like "ohhh, theyre a couple? cool"

i rewatched the first season, watched the special and the movie, started the second season and kinda got stuck there, again with hte "i dont want to let them go"..and now ive lost momentum and ive got basically a whole season ahead (i started it when it was airing 😭)

these two love each other so much and support each other in every way that matters, my heart melts at every sweet gesture and even though the show portrays some real struggles they have to deal with, its still a very funny and light show. the best word to describe it would be "charming" - you see this couple's everyday life, you see how they came to be and what challenges they face, how they overcome them and you're left with no doubt in your mind they will grow old together, well loved and taken care of

now I wanted ti turn this into a top 10 but I felt like I was being disingenuous cause I can't overcome my need to talk about underrated shows rather than pick my faves..I can't make a faves list without turning it into a diverse recommendation list so I'll just. stop here.

favourite food.. faves again.. hahah

a fond memory involving food.. preparing food the whole day before my birthday (maybe my seventeenth?) - sushi, spring rolls, i think I made dessert too? and then having picnic with my friends who were all in awe and praising me. I felt very appreciated and truly celebrated and it was a fun party 💖

[natsmagi]

hello !! yet another different anon, but just wanted to share this while we’re on the topic of self-criticism - hopefully this doesn’t come off as patronizing, it’s just smth i’ve found helps me as an artist and hopefully it’ll help u :D

i think it’s rlly important to view old art more from the perspective of the feelings u had making it rather than the actual content of the art itself. sure, ur artistic skills have improved a lot over the years, and maybe when ur looking back at ur older work u see a lot of flaws in it - weird anatomy, bad lighting, articles of clothing that don’t make sense, etc (not saying ur old art has any of these i’m just listing examples i’ve had in my own lol) - but u had fun making it !! it’s a drawing of something u loved and still love, and it served its purpose as an outlet to express that love. when people go back and like those old drawings, they’re not seeing it for its flaws - they’re seeing it for the love it represents, a love they probably feel themselves. while it’s good to critique ur own work to some extent for the sake of improvement, people liking ur old stuff is far from cringe-worthy! it’s just someone enjoying something u once enjoyed too, like an internet happiness hand-me-down :)

again, this sort of mindset has rlly helped me personally - i don’t feel as nervous about drawing or posting, bc im just having fun !! it’s ok if it’s kind of janky or has weird details, it was made with love and people can see and appreciate that. nobody ever stops improving or seeing flaws in their work, so its best to focus more on the joy it gave u and push urself towards improvement with the promise of even more joy rather than forcing urself to improve under the threat of feeling ashamed of ur creations

hopefully all of this makes sense i kind of have the shakes rn lol. sorry for the super long ask, i just dont rlly know how to explain all of this in a short way-

hope u are having a fantastic day full of pretty girls !!!!

omg no worries at all!! your message read as very sweet so please dont stress urself out over how u came across!!

AND I DEFINITELY AGREE!! tbh its a mindset i tend to have, but i think where ive lacked is definitely in applying the "im just doing it for fun" logic to past me. i tend to be someone who very much lives in the present and have a bit of a disconnect both from the past and the future, and this can cause me to totally disregard everything about my past self and past work LOL. so honestly having all this put into words has kinda been an "OHH RIGHT" moment for me KASJHFJAHSDKJ

theres also the factor of my audience being bigger now........ im not really someone who likes having alot of eyes on me for various reasons, which sometimes causes me to waver a bit AKJSHFKJH THOUGH ITS NOT THAT BAD. i think most of my shyness comes from having artists i really admire now see my art and im like "FUCK IC ANT HAVE IT LOOK BAD WHAT IF THEY SEE" which can cause me to overthink things But also i tend to forget that those people even follow me 80% of the time. tbh all of my "insecurities" in regards to my art are purely circumstantial and only really present themselves if im in a flustered state, but a large portion of the time im just chilling KJAHSFJKHK

i do also wanna say tho that i think the viewing all art as coming from a place of love sentiment is very sweet........ esp bc in the beginning one of the compliments i got the most was along the lines of "your love for the characters really shines through!!" so to think that, in spite of potential quality, that love is still visibly present makes me very happy.......... Perhaps if u have genuine love for what u do itll shine through no matter what

[c0rpseductor]

love looking at old conversations and being really confused

i tried to go back to what i remember as the first time i suspected and voiced that i thought i had DID and someone else told me that wasn’t likely or possible bc if the severity of trauma required, and INSTEAD what happened was apparently that i was like “well ive worried that this thing that happens with me is an alter” (I DONT REMEMBER HOW I CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION) and then started going on at length about how “it’s not like im REALLY dissociating or REALLY traumatized or anything but I feel totally disconnected from my early life so that it feels like another person’s memories and i only came into existence as an adult a few years ago and can’t recall biographical memories without serious effort or put them in order but like, it’s not SERIOUS, the stuff that happened to me doesn’t really count as like ABUSE abuse”

and then the person i was talking to was like “tbh it was and also this sounds literally exactly like trauma and even if you had like less memory of what happened to go on i would immediately chalk it up to that anyway”

so like....where did i get the idea that the opposite happened because “you aren’t traumatized enough to have DID” is not only something only i say to myself, but apparently i insisted voluntarily it was impossible and didn’t think i had it???? but then later I thought that i did and someone told me I couldn’t but also that I told myself that????? like what actually happened was not only radically different from the conversation I remember but what i DO remember seems to be more in line with a conversation i would have with myself, because apparently even before i considered my childhood “traumatic” other people did, despite like, I don’t know I don’t see how people thought that when the things i remembered at that point weren’t so bad

idk i’m just SO confused because this is so like not what I remember. and even then no matter how i try i literally CANNOT remember what actually led me to believe i might have DID. EITHER time. like i must have been concerned about it because of that specific symptom but prior to adulthood I thought it was made up for television and not a real disorder so how I’d connect it to that I don’t know, and I also know sometime in may this year i started considering it a possibility again but I can’t figure out exactly why or how, my best guess is because I remembered more bad things happening and then revisited it but I can’t remember for sure when i started thinking about it this year or exactly why or what was going through my head. and apparently i downloaded and i guess attempted to take the MID in march, because i found the file or whatever from March, and I kind of vaguely remember maybe seeing a tumblr post about it but I don’t know what would lead me to take it because as far as I know I didn’t think it applied to me?

but then i have all these totally contradicting memories of getting really distressed thinking i would “reset” again like i must have between childhood and adulthood and be “replaced” without even knowing and that it MUST be DID or something but i don’t understand these and I’m not sure when they happened or how they make sense if I also at the same time didn’t think I had it and like I don’t really know how they fit together it’s just really confusing because I guess I must have felt both ways at the same time alternating but I can’t make them go together chronologically or make any logical coherent sense or relate to either of those mindsets at once and what I remember is apparently totally contrary to how I was presenting my emotions to friends so like LOL WHAT IS THE TRUTH WHY CANT I REMEMBER <3 im so frustrated I could die

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoldretired]

alrighty! im gonna talk about my two new dr!ocs and some updates on sheon’s whole thing. remember they don’t have names yet adkaljasdkfa

SURVIVOR: the ultimate jazz singer. 

as mentioned, she’s the ultimate jazz singer. pretty subdued personality, but she’s the type of jazz singer who would just. scream into a microphone a la screamin jay hawkins. she is pretty neutral/friendly but disconnected in the prologue/first chapter/second chapter. she gets more jittery as the interactions go on. but once you get to the post-fte section of chapter two, that night she actually tries to kill the protag. at this point its revealed her big Angsty Backstory is she got involved with drugs through the music scene and is currently suffering withdrawal symptoms and is Super desperate (something ive seen a lot with my co-musicians and its not good) big breakdown, really delirious, will eventually be talked off the ledge and calmed down. kind of like if sayaka was actually calmed down in thh chap 1

just so happens that during the night whoopsy someone else was killed. so you two have an alibi but to reveal it means you tell everyone about her issues. either there might be a lying feature like in drv3 to cover, or you tell the truth and end up isolating her. for chapter three and most of four she will keep her distance from the protag bc she’s uncomfortable but will eventually reach out to be friends again after chap 4 execution. 

is generally pretty useful during trials, tends to be a person who tries to help calm down more emotional students and look at things logically. is good at trying to calm down the blackened once the protag catches their bluff bc she understands what its like to be desperate. she does, however, cry during/after every punishment. tells others not to speak poorly of their executed classmates. 

she compulsively chews gum, and one of her favorite gifts would be gum. jokes about having an oral fixation. during school mode she might joke about singing love songs but being so awkward about it in real life. really likes dogs, has a dog plushie in her room. 

a first two fte will focus on her health/wellbeing. the third she’ll ask to not talk about that anymore and the next three are just about general stuff. the final one she’ll basically go a little further into detail but the moral of her story is like, she’s not a bad person for doing what she did, no one is. she’s just a person. and it cn happen to anymore.

dresses in clothes more inspired by late mod/early 70s fashion. hoestly im seeing like a turtleneck/pantsuit combo. short curly hair. big heavy under eyelashes. 

MASTERMIND: the ultimate drag racer (ultimate cruiser)

ok but I LOVE him. personality wise he’s the story’s anxious character, think closer in personality to chap 1 shuichi. quiet, skittish, easily flustered, sometimes cracks jokes that fall flat. he’s framed for the chap 1 murder (someone died in a go kart accident, its assumed he sabotaged the other car, his argument is why would he kill someone in a race in front of all his classmates?) the protag obviously works hard to prove he’s innocent. after the execution he makes a promise to the protag that he owes him one big time, and while it seems innocent at the time, the wording should have like. a slight suspicious undertone. 

he’ll investigate weirder areas of the school instead of practical (sometimes he has clues sometimes not) and if there’s ever a mechanical question for a trial, you’ll generally ask him for clarification. he’s not very trusting of others and is often the one to accuse others/bring the information learned in trials back into the real world and make a big deal out of it. for example, he’ll make a big deal about the attempted murder in chap 2, and he’s the one who’s constantly accusing sheon of being a traitor

at first he seems like he’s just anxious, but obviously, he’s the mastermind, and he’s trying to tear the group apart. 

his fte he’s awkward the first few times but he opens up slowly, showing actual comfort/joy around the protag. wants to be close friends. offers to take protag go karting. while their personality is pretty awkward most of the time, there are flashes of an adrenaline junky every now and then especially when talking about cars, where he seems so full of life and drive it’s almost scary. very competitive during these times, his determination almost taking a sadistic glee when talking about beating others. of course he explains it as his cutthroat sport, but ya know...mastermind. instead of saying we’re going to survive he says we’re going to win. friendly towards the others but doesn’t really care about them focused on protag. is consciously trying to seperate protag from sheon.

for a mastermind he’s actually quite the empath and grows attached to his classmates, which he actually takes pleasure in the amount of despair he feels after each of their executions. reason behind the game is the adrenaline rush he feels, never has felt more alive than on despair. he discovered the rush the first time he got in a car accident, and the moments before his crash where like pure bliss. he wanted to let everyone else feel his feverish joy, and talks about how everyone has enjoyed this, deep down. they’re all getting their sick kicks. breaks the fourth wall and alludes to the fact that the protag (through the player) is having the most fun of all. 

final trial where it’s revealed, he’s still v attached to the protag in like an almost yandere way and wants to follow up on the favor he owes from chap 1. he offers a deal to the protag where if they’re welcome to be their accomplice in all this and get out of the game. protag should push to bargain that everyone can give up their morals, sacrifice themselves to despair, and live as the mastermind’s accomplice in exchange for ending the killing game. 

eventually, he’ll agree, but only if the group decides one life among them to sacrifice for no other reason than to kill an innocent friend. the way to get to the correct ending is to choose yourself which will like invalidate the deal. protag ends up dying and everyone else lives. leaves the mastermind in a despair, but for the first time, he does not derive any pleasure. 

takes a LOT OF GLEE in admitting he convinced everyone else sheon was the traitor when she was not, everyone else is horrified.

anyways. his school mode/love mode events show his more likeable side, he can actually be a really cute partner if it weren’t for the part he’s evil but uh. soft sometimes. 

really likes energy drinks. talks about sponsorships. color scheme is like. a black racing suit but his jacket is tied around his waist and he’s wearing a wife beater. tons of accents of neon all over his outfit from like patches and brand deals. backwards hat. blushes easily. has a mullet. i love him. 

“TRAITOR” : SHEON FUKUDA (the ultimate film maker) 

ok so. still antagonistic. but more in the way of pushing your buttons and pointing out your flaws in a trial. like somewhere between antagonist and kirigiri. super chill personality, cracks a lot of jokes, is hardcore struggling with the games and will be open about her mental illness. her fatal flaw is still her martyr complex

is first framed after chap 2 bc of accused of having the ability to direct and oversee a production like this, and from that moment forward no one can trust her and she’s SUPER alienated. she’s still awkwardly trying to be friends/friendly but people act like she’s going to betray them all. tries to prove innocence multiple times going as far as to beginning of chap 3 announce to the group if they need to kill anyone, let it be her so no one else gets hurt and is super transparent about who she is. but this transparency makes people more suspicious. as she goes on she gets more desperate/gallows humor. last convo bfore chap 5 begins she has a vague conversation about with protag about if they fear death. chap 5 would end up being either a suicide or double murder (they killed each other one in attack the other while being defended against) so there’s no execution but monokuma still wants something. its also in this trial that the ultimate drag racer plants evidence taht makes it look like she’s the traitor and is addressed head on. 

a common motif for her is ‘playing the role assigned’ and knowing who she is and who she isn’t. she’s pretty comfortable knowing who she is but expresses unhappiness about being painted a villain. maybe like, three times through the story to this point it’s established as a motif/quirk of fitting a role she’s assigned bc if the protag asks her a question about herself/past/the overall story, she asks the protag a question like well, what do you want 1) 2) and you choose and she’s like. ok. then its _______. same thing here. as she’s finally excused she stares at the protag and is like do you really believe im the traitor? (yes) stares long and hard, somethng sad and defeated in her eyes. ok then. i am.

the trial doesn’t have a punishment originally planned bc the blackened are not alive. but she chooses not to vote and willingly chooses to be punished because everyone else has decided she’s the traitor and she chooses to play along so they can get closure. her last conversation should be about choosing the act of resistance, no matter how convoluted it can be. she doesn’t fear death. the pain sure, but not death. this was her choice to be punished, not the masterminds, and she hopes they lose any glee they take in her suffering because its a sacrifice for hope instead of a death in despair. last request is that she asks for the protag to make sure the manuscripts she wrote during her time are published, the last great work of sheon fukuda.

EXECUTION: CULTURE SHOCK so she wakes up on a soundstage to blinding light. she’s attached with electrodes. monokuma is sitting on a director’s chair with a director’s hat. basically the premise is as the ultimate film maker, she has to recreate different iconic movie scenes and every time she makes a mistake she gets shocked. she keeps on getting thrown into new scenes into the middle of old ones, throwing her off. after a sequence of costume changes/farces she finally collapses in the soundstage. 

beat. she looks up. above the soundstage is a sign that says “congratulations” or something. everyone gasps. she believes she beat it. a single light comes on in center stage prompting her to take a bow. she stumbles over, stands up, and looks into the shadows in the general direction of her classmates. a teleprompter prompts her classmates to clap. she takes glee, soaking in her win, and bows. as she comes up she smiles for a second before a short rings out. she’s shot through the heart. culture shock!

fte are mostly talking about directors/film references and what its like to be a film maker. real dry humor, sometimes talks about deeper stuff. her backstory is that her dad was working for an american embassy so she grew up in america going to art shool, and she feels out of place, despite being a japanese student with the same basic culture as everyone else. sometimes talks about slimeball directors, sometimes talks about missing certain food, loves takling about movies. as a filmmaker she specializes in dark comedy/farce which makes her suspicious of how someone can enjoy writing somethng so twisted

views are very intersectional, a little new agey, but still well put together. clearly a free spirit, very quirky from working in cinema, super dry sense of humor. likes philosophy

really likes blueberry jam. favorite item is somthing blueberry.

after chap 1 trial she expresses to the protag how she can never be the blackened, not just because of murdering one student, but to get away with it, everyone else would be punished instead, and she can’t deal with the blood on her hands. 

is open about her struggles with mental illness and how she was getting help and showing improvement bfore coming here but now she feels herself spiraling and hates it.

values everyone here as good friends, and while she tries to play it off she hates how they’re painting her as a villain. takes every death very personally. 

color scheme is very pastel, and she wears sweat pants and a collared shirt with a light blue robe. you can’t tell if those are pajamas or an outfit. wears rose-colored glasses. all about the aesthetic, just lean so far into film culture with her. personality/feelings towards style are very influenced by the fact she went to an american arts school instead of a japanese school like her peers so every part of her is slightly off/quirky/out-of-touch

she’ll mostly wear the glasses over her eyes, sometimes pushing them down on her nose for emphasis to make eye contact. only her anger sprite (point) shows her taking them off. 

during her execution she pushes them onto her forehead before taking her bow, almost to meet eye to eye. after she’s shot the last frame is them landing on the ground, cracking. 

i love sheon so much

[unpopularly-opinionated]

RE: My post earlier about the Ooblets Epic Games Exclusive backlash.

I’m not going to show the Twitter user, if you follow the indie game development scene on Twitter it’s likely you’ll recognize this tweet, either way that’s not who I am. The Ooblet’s account on the other hand is fair-game since it’s basically a product placement.

I feel it needs reiterating how utterly dense this kind of tweet is, and how completely skewed the narrative for this issue has gotten, so let me reiterate in obnoxiously large and emboldened font to try and get the point across:

THE GAMING COMMUNITY IS NOT TOXIC

“Honesty” and “transparency” are all well and good, but unless you’re honestly trying to drive away your own community, perhaps you should try being a little less honest and a little less transparent. No one (or I guess no one but this guy and the few who agree with him) is going to thank you for honestly throwing them under the proverbial bus after they’ve spent months, if not years, supporting your project; your dream.

I’ve heard from others that “this is just how they write” and “it’s meant to be funny”, and to an extent, I can understand that. But let me just include some screenshots from the post in question to reiterate my point, because I feel like my previous post didn’t quite get the point across:

(Context: What the Epic Games Exclusivity Deal means for you, the fan and/or financial backer of Ooblets).

I get that the Fortnite bit is the joke, ha ha, Fortnite used to be wildly popular, I get it, good meme. What isn’t the joke, and what was part of why people got upset was the first bit, specifically the “download the Epic Games Launcher and make an Epic Games account” bit, that bit.

Now, I personally have no qualms about having the Epic Games Launcher on my PC. I have long since looked beyond the ‘scandal’ of tech companies saving and selling my data to distant lands to be used for nefarious moneymaking schemes. Is it bad? Sure, maybe. Would I prevent it had I the chance? Of course. Do I have that chance? Not a chance in the world, so I decide to live with it.

That said, many others have not reached that point of fuck it, and understandably so. I hit that point because of my negative outlook on society as a whole but, praise be, there are in fact still some optimists out there who look at these shitty corporate tactics and say no to them, and good on them for that.

That is what I would say is the bulk of the primary issues people have with the Epic Games Store. The missing features bits aren’t terribly important, as even this post says, if you have a social life on Steam, then use Steam. The EGS does not need to be your do-all replacement.

This is where the post should have stopped. Here and now, had this post ended, any and all issues with this decision would have been but a whisper in the wind. As I said in my previous post, yes they undoubtedly would have received plenty of critical, and non-critical backlash for the decision regardless, but ending the post here would’ve 100% put the developers on the right side in this situation and I’d be right up there agreeing with that tweet.

(Context: Are you angry at Epic and/or us for this decision?)

Referring to earlier when I said that playful tone and humour are all fine and dandy, I understand that this is probably meant to sound playful and humourous, but it comes across as largely self-important and ignorant, and the bits that follow do in no way dissuade from that appearance.

While my response to this complaint was similar to their own, in that you should just use Steam for the features that the Epic Games Store lacks, they go on to essentially say that this is just baby EGS and that Steam used to be just like it and look at it now.

While they aren’t technically wrong, from a development point of view, the big thing they need to understand is how web standards have dramatically changed since 2003 when the Steam store launched. Launching a store, of any variety, without a shopping cart is a big no-no.

As far as missing features go, that’s not like missing a friends list or a IM feature, that’s missing a crucial part of a web-based storefront. Imagine going to a store and only be allowed to purchase one thing at a time, that would be ridiculous.

Their response to this was as corporate as any triple-A publisher, or really any corporation at all, from any industry. Just a complete disconnect from society that frankly is unwarranted from what is quite literally a two person operation. Not to mention, their response is quite literally what every parent warns their kids about at a young age. “But mooooooooooooom, everyone is doing it!!!!” Yes sweetie, but if everyone jumps off a bridge, are you going to?

Apparently, yes.

And not to discount the idea of making money, by all means make money, but let me put it this way, had they left this post exactly where I said they should have previously, all of the blame would be at Epic’s feet. Because at the end of the day, having your game be exclusive to one service does not make you money, it makes them money. So this whole “everyone is doing it” schtick doesn’t fly when coming from the developers. Had this been a post by Epic (and frankly with all the shilling I could be convinced it was from them) then this argument might have made just a tiny bit more sense.

Underlined in yellow are the jokes; the “playful” and “humourous” attitude I’ve heard so much about. Underlined in red however, are what the developers are actually genuinely saying with complete and utter seriousness.

“There are worse things in the world to be upset about.” I kid you not, that’s their argument.

Now, all of that reiterated, to get to the actual point of this post (wish Tumblr let you do multiple “Keep Reading” lines but I digress), the article linked in the tweet here is about the previous “non-critical” backlash I mentioned they’d receive, though multiplied exponentially by their horrendous blog post, and further community responses to said blog post.

I’d like to refer to a completely unrelated post I made quite a while ago that really needs to spread like wildfire if you ask me:

RECEIVING INSULTS, UNCRITICAL FEEDBACK, AND/OR DEATH THREATS DOES NOT INVALIDATE THE CRITICAL FEEDBACK NOR THE ISSUE AT HAND.

I am by no means wiping away death threats or mean words as things to scoff at, by all means take them as seriously as you will, but under no circumstances should 20+ people telling you to kill yourself invalidate the hundreds of fans and financial backers who are upset with your recent financial decision, or your response to criticisms to those decisions.

This happens time and time and time again. Someone of note does something bad, for one reason or another, and instead of responding to the completely warranted and justified criticism and feedback they instead play up the 15+ people who IM’d them to drink bleach and throw it up as “an example of the ever present toxic gaming community”.

More or less, the substance to this article is their “apology”, and I use that term very loosely but I’ll get to that, to the community at large for the recent events. The post summarizes the issue from their (biased) perspective, posts some screenshots of the colourful responses they’ve received, the usual woe-is-me schtick.

I’d like to highlight a few bits from it to further exemplify the continued mindset of these people:

I have given the full context to this next statement with these screenshots so that I can now take parts of these statements out of their context to, at least to my belief, succinctly identify the mindset of these folks:

“I understand the relationship people think they might be owed when they exchanged money for goods or services, but...we’ve never actually sold them anything and don’t owe them anything at all.”

I don’t want to get off-topic any more than necessary, but this, this right here is why fundraisers, Kickstarters, GoFundMes, Patreon subscriptions, or any other form of crowdsourcing platforms need to be handled with extreme care. I hesitate to say regulated legally, but I am by no means opposed to that idea.

I want to express this carefully and plainly: LEGALLY, yes they are absolutely right that they do not owe anyone anything. At least to my knowledge, they didn’t have a formal Kickstarter, their financial backing came primarily from whatever it is they do for a living AND the support of their Patreon backers.

And while I do not feel that it needs addressing, for the sake of consistency I will address it: MORALLY they owe the game to anyone who financially supported them with the express purpose of developing the game.

“We definitely owe all of you who supported us, but also fuck off you entitled cunts because we don’t owe you shit.”

When in the face of well-deserved criticism, deflect deflect deflect. As if a broken record, I’d like to again emphasize that yes, legally they owe no one anything. Morally, they do. Legally, they don’t. Morally, yes. Legally, no.

This, in essence, is a response to the majority of people who are like me, who aren’t screaming vitriolic personable attacks, telling them to drink bleach, long jog off a short pier, the works. Essentially: “If you aren’t with us, then you’re against us.”

Because apparently pointing out your blatant mischaracterisation of the gaming community, your outrageously awful personal relations skills, and most especially your morally bankrupt understanding of the relationship between you and the people financially supporting your passion project means we are, by their logic, on a level equivalent in nature to the 10+ people telling them to drink bleach.

Fixed for typos:

Remember how I said this was an “apology” in the loosest form, well what I was referring to was how in the beginning during their (totally unbiased) summary of the events, they more or less said “Sorry you didn’t respond the way we wanted you to.” Beyond that, yeah, it’s not an apology.

And why would we expect one? Nothing they have spat out in the face of their fans so far has even a hint of self-realization or self-reflection in it. Even their acknowledgement of their (horrendously under exaggerated) bad PR skills comes across as a hollow acknowledgement, if it can even be referred to as an acknowledgement at all, because if you truly truly acknowledged it, then this post wouldn’t exist.

As to this anti-Semitic fabrication making the rounds, I have not seen it so I will take their word for it that they did not make one, especially since I have seen fabricated evidence involving Discord messages rearranged out of order. What I feel needs addressing specifically in this chunk though is his reference to “my messages taken out of context to insinuate I don’t care about our patrons/fans”, because if you’ve seen my previous post then you’ll know no amount of context makes this statement look good:

Sure, it’s a true statement of fact now that they have Epic’s money, but it’s fairly obvious that it reads “We have Epic’s money now, we don’t need you anymore.” I’m sure they didn’t mean that, but that when combined with their other statements regarding how they don’t owe their patrons anything, what they are saying is clear as day.

But hey, credit where credit is due, at least with this we can agree:

But of course, as these people are now infamously known for not ending their posts where they reasonably should...

Now I know how much money goodwill, faith, and morals make, and again I would fully expect this kind of response from the likes of EA, Ubisoft, Bethesda, or fuck even Amazon or Facebook to show that corporate greed has no industry bounds, but this is a two person team whose passion project is to make this game which is being financially supported by loyal fans and future customers.

And that’s just it, that is the mind-boggling part to me, that this is all just the self-important, mischaracterising, morally bankrupt, and childishly ignorant ramblings of a small little husband and wife duo.

In summary...

As was said in the blog post, I’m sure that looking from the outside in we don’t get to see the full scope of the vitriolic comments they’re receiving, so to that I give them credit, and the most sincerest of apologies. I’ve received a few death threats and vitriolic hate-filed messages in my time on the internet, and while personally I am unphase by them, I can fully understand that it can be damaging to one’s self-esteem and self-confidence, especially when it comes in relation to your passion project. I am sorry.

But unwarranted, hate-filled, vitriolic, suicide-baiting messages do not invalid those of us criticizing you for the things that you did do, the words that you did say, and the actions that you did take. I mentioned this in my previous post, but as it stands, the centerpiece to this issue isn’t even about the Epic Exclusivity Deal anymore, it’s about you. You and your treatment, of not just the community at large (for which, might I add, is your primary customer base), but of your treatment towards your loyal fans and financial supporters along the way.

You, for whatever reason, act as most of us have come to expect a soulless and faceless triple-A publisher would, when in fact you are just a two person team with public faces. You’re taking the shots that the likes of EA, Activision, or Bethesda would and have taken, but you’re forgetting that it is above and beyond easier to find you then it is to find them.

All we, but more importantly your fans want from you is for you to make the best game that we all know you’re capable of. And for those who supported you this far along the way to be given even an ounce of respect, despite you not needing their support anymore.

[arkus-rhapsode]

Fairy Tail 100 Years Quest Chapter 12 Review

Oh my god... What the heck is even going on?

So our cover page is Natsu and Lucy, and Natsu I hope you enjoy that brain freeze.

So we open on Jellal confronting Touka. We learn like how Avatar was devoted to black magic there was a group devoted to white magic. Now this is cool, but literally if you watch the anime recently, that arc was done in 5 episodes. So this feels really odd on how much effort is being put into it.

Like if there was like something tying into Tenrou or hell edolas, that make more sense, given all thee time on it.

So Jellal describes White magic as a philosophy of nothingness, which that doesn’t make sense. Fans of yugioh gx might compare this the darkness and light in that series and how darkness led to creation while light was subjugation. But Black magic is clearly about ending life or manipulating life. I guess you could dumb it down to all life, but literal Ankherseram black magic is portrayed as nothing but death. So wouldn’t white be about life? I guess nothingness as life without personality isn’t wrong,  but this feels like a stretch.

Also, Mashima said anyone could learn any type of magic. So why is that an abnormality? Like if this was Black Clover where you are assigned a single affinity that be one thing.

Suddenly Laxus steps in, and want to make this clear. I don’t exactly hate the idea behind this. That Laxus wants to defend someonew ho is a part of his family, given his new found view on FT, and its using the family aspect of FT on its head. Someone bad could be using FT’s family mentality for personal benefit. Which is interesting.

Okay, well Jellal has a reason, she is  suspect and as a guild master he has authority to take her in. However, Laxus you of all people know that people in your guild will still harm it.

On the one hand im torn, the shounen loving half of my brain wants to see this fight. But the logical half says that these two are mature adults with enough common sense to take this to the run knights. And confrontation is over after this page.

Yeah for a chapter named after the two, its got very little to do with theem. Instead.... The worst thing in the chapter happens. We cut to Diablos’ ship and we see this.

Yes you are seeing this right. For people who were saying I was to harsh, calling this a submissive Erza fetish that Mashima is putting out, I ask you read this chapter.

You know I can’t tell if Skullion means this is temporary as in terms of magic, or temporary as Kyria will grow bored, but I do know that this is nothing but sick and tastess. Also props to Madmorel for having some class to be disgusted by the perv in the group. Like that is becoming a rarity these days.

We are guided down to the lower deck where natsu and wendy are being held, the motion sickness keeping them in check.

I’ve been putting this off long enough, its time to rant. This is bull shit. People told me, i was too harsh on mashima, but at the least I thought this was some sort of temporary thing that was meant so Kyria could get a win in a fight, but this might be some permanent magic effect feels disgusting.

Now, people say that this happened cause people would rag on Erza, called Erza fights awful, and that now Mashima is going in the complete opposite dirction. You didn’t like strong erza, fine! Here’s weak Erza, you happy cynics?

But that’s not the case. People didn’t like Erza because she was “too strong” she was someoone who went from this amazing badass female character, to this static friendship speech spewing tool that never truly got any development. Its painful for people to see a character like Erza not grow after she had developed so much in ToH, but it just was never followed through. All the times she won just felt like a poor spectacle without any character behind it.

Now you could say an erza who needs to get her strength back could be character development. No. Cutting away a person’s strength with “magic” is not character development, its forced regression. Its the author literally creating an unrealistic situation bcause he has no idea what to do with her  after ToH, hell he can’t even fully commit to a love story between her and jellal.

When Erza came onto the scene, she was cool, in control, yet could over react at times. To see her be pushed to her lowest by ToH and then recover and face midnight in OS, is peak Erza character shining through. That this is how erza’s development deserved to be treated. But Watching Erza crawl on the ground, be spanked, and cry for mercy like a hentai doll, all because of plot convince magic is so gross to me. Its ejecting the Erza that we all love and stripping her of all that personality just for this.

So if you blame this development on people who were too hard on Mashima about how he was writing Erza, I, a critic and very judgemental person, find this worse than any of the nakama power or skimpy armors.

Erza being trapped in Kyoka’s sex dungeon was bad, but you know what, EErza actievly resisted it. She didn’t want to be there aand tried to fight back. It wasn’t handled well, but that t least felt like whatt her character would do in this situation. But this was forced upon her and this is nothing more than an Erza made for this arc.

Also, lets step out of this and look at this from the meta perspective that this is also extremely lazy. In Eden’s zero there’s a villain who is all about subjugating women right now, and Mashima couldn’t be bothered to not let that bleeed into his other work. If that doesn’t scream creately lazy, than I don’t know what will. Also that frog thing in Eden’s zero is actuaally better giveen the fact he’s not mind bending away personality, he’s forcibly turning them in statues to do with what he pleases against their will.

Im not saying this cause im anti ecchi or that im anti  mashima, im anti such a hack story writting device that weather you stuck it out as a fan of erza’s till the end of FT or liked her at first but than soured on her, I ask, would you tolerate this? I’m not claiming ownership of the character of Erza, but I am asking do you think that this is worth a character arc because our author couldn’t think of anything better to do with her. You know if you knew Erza was so strong,Ad that in actuality she would sweep away most threats, why did you bring her? I honestly would’ve preferred Jellal and Erza being out of the action cause they had a kid or something. Erza having to pick between biological family and her guild family seems like a better direction to take her character in than this.

To see Erza cry because someone’s magic made her into a slave is so lacking in power than say the sheer emotional weight of watching simon die. Like this is shit is just awful.

We cut to Luccy and here is where I get to credit thee art. Sure Lucy is in a bikini, but what matters in frame is the wounds on her legs. Which is a nice us of having aa skimpy dress and not sexualizing it.

We get a flashback of Lucy realizing Kyriaa took her friends and this is where I give Caramille a big fuck you. Oh sure, this did happen after they showed up, but Diabolos clearly was going to find the place eventually and more importantly, you did fuck all. Like, go screw cause you have contributed literally nothing.

We find out that there is another ship in the area and that Gray is okay because he was saved by you can guess who...

Okay on the one hand, this definitely seems like Brandish’s kind of entrance, but on the other. Fuck you, Hiro. Like she just passed by and saved Gray? Hw? The entire ocean was either freezing or evaporating, what is your range? Also, who is in charge of Alverez? Yajeel? Oi...

Post Chapter Follow up: Its easy to say why I don’t like this chapter. I feel so sick by the sheer amount of laziness and disgust in the slave Erza plot. Like, my god this is so wrong. Not because of the subject, human slavery makes sense in a series aimed at teenagers, but the sheer disrespect that Hiro treated this character, made my blood boil. At the very least in Alvarez, Erza still seemed like she was the same character from beginning of the series.

People who follow me weekly on this review series are probably going to ask when I will stop harping on this Erza thing. Well each week, it  somehow get worse and more gross.  First time it felt like a cheap win, second it was bad use of domination, now this is full blown fetish material.

As for the brandish thing, I know why she is here, Lucy is literally not strong enough to handle 3 DE’s by herself with a few exceeds, and I’d accept that Brandish reentering the series. But maybe leave out Gray? I guess you could say that this is a subversion of the Musica captured by Doryu, but this feels lazier. You could’ve just made this a big “step up Lucy plot,” but no, had to save Gray, even though Skullion should’ve notice when his magic didn’t actually ash up Gray. Plus think about, if they save save Natsu and Wendy this arc and beat these three dragon eaters, wouldn’t some added bit of tension to the quest be finding diablos’s hideout and saving Gray from the “dinner table?”And I was cool with the kidnapped gray thing, but no, we had to have kidnapped everyone else.Also if he was made small how did he survive the water? Like he’s the size of a pin, he’d drown.

Now the stuff with Laxus and Jellal is actually fairly good Its an interesting take on FTs standards vs the consequences of their past when we are suppose to be rooting for Touka to be extracted. And involving two characters that really have been in the moral gray spectrum make them the most qualified for this subject matter. While i definitely didn’t like the Touka plot at first from how disconnected it was from everything (and it really is kinda shoed in on this point) it still is the more interesting plot. It has more intresting ideas than, “more dragons” and is involving the characters that come off as the most interesting.

Final Verdict: 3/10

There is clearly some interesting idea at work here

However, the way the plotline for the dragon portion of this arc has become a mess

I don’t use this phrase lightly, “Erza literally deserves better than this”

Plot convince playhouse at its finest

[minijenn]

Universe Falls, Chapter 60, Part 2

Heyoooo here we are at the end of another arc! And ehhhhh this arc ender is sort of lame but whatever, its worth it to get to all of the excitement of arc 7! I don’t really have a lot to say about this one, so... enjoy!

Previous: http://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/179189906119/universe-falls-chapter-60-part-1

Chapter 60, Part 2: Catch and Release

BNHAYSF FIRXHK BCI MUKRJ PSXPW UBK KVMU IM PJ CBXZ OGL XSA WOOPZ ZH'ZX IAKKCM PQ BN XHJM TUY FBUU CIF XHTA RKOUUS ULPCBP BRV ZZL

Steven sighed as he plopped down onto his bed, barely even glancing up to see the Gems head back into the temple, conversing quietly amongst themselves all the while. In fact, the young Gem was so caught up in thoughts of both the now-defeated Pyrite as well as Peridot’s curtailed last words that he didn’t even initially notice Mabel casually take a seat beside him as Dipper paced around before them, voicing his many thoughts about their recent battle aloud.

“I still can’t believe it,” he began rather frantically, still somewhat unnerved despite their victory against the twisted fusion. “All this time, we thought the very worst Bill could do was possess someone, but come to find out he can actually fuse. With Gems? How does that even work? I mean, I know Gems are basically made up of solid light, but Bill’s made of… ok, well actually I have no idea what he’s made of and I’m honestly not sure I even want to know but still, how could something like Pyrite have even existed at all? It makes no sense!”

“Uh, does it really matter how it happened at this point, bro-bro?” Mabel asked with a bit of a shrug. “Pyrite’s history! Heck, you should know that better than anyone else since it was your sword that stabby-stabbed right through ‘em.”

“Well yeah, Pyrite’s gone,” Dipper huffed intently. “But who’s to say Bill won’t just find some other Gem out there to fuse with to finish off what they started? I mean, just think about Homeworld; that’s an entire planet of Gems he could trick just like he probably did with Peridot. All he’d need to do is make a deal with the right one of them and then that’d be it for all of us!”

Mabel frowned upon hearing this, half expecting Steven to jump in and talk some calming sense into her fretful brother, though the young Gem himself seemed completely lost in thought as he kept his gaze trained on the ground before him. So of course, that meant the job would have to fall to her instead. “Uh… Dipper?” she began, rather unsure of how to go about this. “Not to be… touchy or anything like that, but… didn’t you just sorta get over your whole ‘being afraid of Bill thing’ when you ran out to help us fight him and Peridot back there?”

Dipper finally stopped short at this, his cheeks flushing red with embarrassment as he let out a forced, rather anxious scoff. “Uh, y-yeah, I did!” he protested defensively, though there were still hints of clear dread in his tone. After all, he had thrown himself into the fray against Pyrite, true, but he had largely done so on a burst of righteous anger and adrenaline. Now that such things were gone and the battle was over, logic had largely returned and with it, the sensible notion that Bill was still a dangerous being to be feared, even despite his most recent defeat. “But I still think we should be ready in case something like that ever happens again. Remember, we almost didn’t beat Pyrite in the end. If anything, we probably just got lucky.”

“Uh, no,” Mabel interjected with an annoyed pout. “‘If anything’ me and Steven totally came in and saved the day with our great fusion idea. Right, Steven?”

“Hm?” the young Gem finally blinked, glancing up, though it was clear he wasn’t really paying much attention to the ongoing conversation. “Oh, uh, y-yeah, right.” Steven took pause for a moment, almost opting to return to his unspoken thoughts, though at the very last second, he decided to take a chance and voice them aloud. “Um, actually… I know you guys are still worried about Bill and everything—a-and I am too!—but… what about Peridot?”

The twins exchanged something of a confused glance at this before Dipper crossed his eyes, far from interested in discussing the now bubbled green Gem at this point. “What about her?”

“Well… I know Garnet said we don’t have to worry about her anymore, but… I can’t stop thinking about what she had tried to say right before she was poofed…” Steven frowned apprehensively. “She seemed like she was really freaked out… like… like she wanted to warn us about something…”

Upon hearing this, Mabel tilted her head rather curiously, wanting to hear more, though Dipper refuted it with an exasperated sigh as he pinched the bride of his nose. “Come on, Steven, don’t be silly. Why would Peridot want to ‘warn’ us about anything when her and Bill were just trying to kill us seconds before that?”

“I don’t know, but maybe…” Steven trailed off, uncertain of how to even make a case for Peridot at this point. After all, the green Gem had indeed conspired with the dream demon to violently end them all, and not only that, but the entire Pyrite disaster alone had been kickstarted by Peridot forcefully hauling him off to the Galaxy Warp against his will. There was a very good chance that whatever her final words were, they could have been just a ploy, or perhaps even a result of whatever frenzied mania Bill had apparently left her with when they unfused. And yet… there was still the possibility that it had been something else, though what that something was, the young Gem had no idea whatsoever. “I…I guess you’re right…” he finally admitted in slight defeat.

“I know I’m right,” Dipper said, offering Steven a reassuring smile as he began to head down the loft stairs. “Anyway, I’m sorry I can’t stick around for the rest of our sleepover, but I really need to get back down to the shack and tell Great Uncle Ford about this whole Pyrite thing. The sooner we come up with a plan to stop Bill once and for all, the better off we all are. I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

“See ya, bro-bro!” Mabel waved Dipper off as Steven did the same, leaving the pair alone in the comfortable darkness of the house. Somewhere on the couch below, Lion’s quiet snoozing snores could be heard, but aside from that, everything had fallen into silence, something that Mabel noticed immediately more than Steven. In fact, the young Gem seemed to pay that fact hardly any mind at all as he glanced to the side of his bed, noticing a left-behind remnant from one of their final encounters with Peridot still sitting exactly where he had left it. Without a word, Steven lifted the green Gem’s detached, discarded foot up onto the bed, sitting it beside him as he let out a long, worried sigh.

The ongoing silence persisted between the pair, even as Mabel took the time to glance between Steven and the foot beside him. She could tell just from his expression alone that the young Gem was still deeply concerned with whatever Peridot’s unfinished final words had been, and though she didn’t really know what to make of them herself, she still figured it’d be worth the effort to at least try to give Steven some peace of mind amidst his palpable uncertainty. “Um… hey, Steven?”

“Yeah?” the young Gem dully replied, still looking over at the green Gem’s foot.

Mabel paused briefly at this, taking in a deep, daring breath as she noticed Steven’s hand lying flat and not too far away from her own at the bed between them. And though she knew now wasn’t exactly the time for such things, she couldn’t resist the urge to move her hand just a bit closer to his all the same. “W-well…” she began, her cheeks taking on the faintest hint of a blush as she looked down to see her hand almost brushing against Steven’s. All it would take was one more burst of determined confidence on her part, and for all she knew, everything could change. “I-I was… I mean… I want to… I, uh… a-are you-”

“RAWUGH!” Mabel was instantly interupted by this fearsome growl, one that came along with a familiar purple hand lightly slapping Steven against his face, startling them both. The pair was quick to turn around to see Amethyst sitting right on the bed beside them, a playful smirk on her face as she put on a mocking, faux-threatening tone. “Nyeheheh! I’m back to kidnap you before fusing with a loser jerk of a triangle!” she quipped, evoking what was clearly Peridot in her preformance before letting out an amused laughs upon seeing the kids’ frightened expressions. “What?” she grinned, casually slipping herself into the space between them. “It’s been long enough that we can joke about it now, right?”

“It’s only been about an hour,” Steven pointed out.

“Uh, hey, Amethyst?” Mabel interjected, somewhat disappointed over how her moment alone with the young Gem had been cut short. “I don’t wanna sound ‘rude’ or anything but… what are you doing out here?”

“Yeah,” Steven added, looking to the purple Gem in confusion. “I thought you were in the temple with Garnet and Pearl.”

“I was,” Amethyst said, rolling her eyes. “But they kept on going on about ‘oh Bill’s gonna do this’ or ‘yikes, Bill might do that’ even though we literally just kicked his yellow butt.”

“Heh, they’re sounding sorta like Dipper then,” Mabel said with a bit of a chuckle, though it was still something of a fake one.

“Why am I not surprised?” the purple Gem mused teasingly. “Anyway, I got so bored with the whole thing that I figured I’d come out here and see what you dorks were doing, but from the looks of it, that’s not much. So—oh, ew…” Amethyst cringed in disgust as she noticed the disconnected green foot resting on Steven’s other side. “What are you doing with her foot?”

“…Think its lucky?” Steven shrugged with a hint of a smile.

“Heh, not for Peridot,” the purple Gem smirked as she got to her feet and began to head back to the temple gate. “Well, its good to have you back, Ste-man. Even if you were only kidnapped for like… a few minutes.”

“Um… Amethyst?” Steven spoke up, largely without thinking.

“Yeah?” she paused, turning back to face the young Gem.

“Uh… do you think…” Steven trailed off again, whatever concerns he wanted to voice to her quickly falling apart. After all, even though Amethyst was by far the loosest of the Gems, whose to say she wouldn’t have just dismissed his ongoing worries just like everyone else seemed to? “N-no, it’s ok. Never mind.”

Though Amethyst did send the young Gem a brief look of confusion at this, she largely shrugged it off as she continued heading down the stairs. “Ok, weirdo,” she teased lightly. “If you guys need anything, I’ll be in my room, eating garbage.”

“Ok!” the kids called out after her, not paying too much mind as she slipped back into the temple. Almost as soon as she did, Steven flopped back onto his bed with yet another heavy sigh, still holding onto Peridot’s foot as he set it down in front of him. Mabel frowned as she turned around to face him, putting her own anxious feelings aside for the moment to help Steven with his.

“Uh… are you ok?” she asked, leaning forward just the slightest bit.

“Yeah…” Steven admitted before honestly changing his answer. “No… I don’t know…”

“Do you… wanna talk about it?” Mabel asked patiently as the young Gem rolled over.

“Heh, that depends,” the young Gem laughed mirthlessly. “Are you gonna tell me I have nothing to worry about just like everyone else seems to be doing around here?”

“Not if that’s what you don’t wanna hear,” Mabel grinned knowingly.

Steven’s smile turned genuine at this as he finally sat up, offering Mabel a warm, trustful look that made her heart stir even more than it already currently was. “Thanks, Mabel, I knew I could count on you.”

“A-anytime…” she said, her voice almost a whisper as she tried her hardest to suppress her ongoing blush.

“So, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy we stopped Pyrite and beat Bill, f-for now,” Steven began to explain, looking to the foot once again. “But… well, when Peridot first, you know, kidnapped me, she seemed like she really wanted to get back to Homeworld as quickly as possible. Then, right before you guys and the Gems showed up, she said that the earth wasn’t going to be like ‘anything’ soon. And then on top of that, there’s whatever she was trying to say right before she poofed. Why was she so scared? What was she even going to say in the first place?”

“Hm…” Mabel took a moment to muse over this before offering a reasonable possibility. “Well, she did just unfuse with Bill when we poofed her. So… maybe she was gonna say that she knows something about him that no one else does?”

“Maybe…” Steven said, holding the green Gem’s discarded foot in his lap. “Or for all we know, it could have been something else entirely!”

“Like… what?”

“Like… like…” the young Gem let out a frustrated sigh, unable to think of anything as he lay back down on the bed again, disgruntled. “Ugh, I don’t know! And now we’ll never know because she’s deep in the temple in a bubble! If only we could just talk to her for one more second…”

Mabel nodded in stalwart agreement with this sentiment, though as she did, a gentle glow filled in from Steven’s gemstone, startling the pair out of their thoughts as they turned towards the temple gate. A familiar pattern took over the door, one that smoothly slid open to reveal the vast expanse of soft pink clouds that they knew to be Rose’s room.

“…Should we?” Steven asked, exchanging a curious glance with Mabel.

“Hey, its worth a shot,” she shrugged, knowing that anything was better than simply sitting around and speculating.

Making sure that none of the Gems, or anyone else for that matter, was around to catch them, the pair hurried down the loft and into the open temple door, venturing into the sea of pastel clouds in the hopes of finding some kind of answers within them. “Wow, it’s been a while since we’ve been in here,” Mabel noted, spinning around to get in a better scope at all the clouds around them. “You’d think that we’d go into a room that can make basically anything you want it to more often.”

“I know, right?” Steven nodded in agreement. “This place could help us out in so many different ways! In fact… Room! We need to talk to Peridot!”

Immediately responding to the young Gem’s request, several clouds converged together to form a perfect image of Peridot in her last stable moments, her finger laser poised and ready to fire as she repeated her last few words: “I-I’m the only one who knows about the-”

The replica green Gem froze completely, her statement still as unfinished as it had been before, much to Steven and Mabel’s disappointment. “The what?” Steven groaned, exasperated. The fake Peridot repeated herself once again as a response, though even still she didn’t provide any actual answers.

“I-I’m the only one who knows about the-”

The kids let out frustrated huffs at this, both of them remembering that nothing the room made was ever actually really real in the first place. “Boo!” Mabel goaded, kicking the fake Peridot, which resulted in her dissipating into nothing more than the clouds she was made of. “That Peridot was broken. If we really wanna know what’s up, then I say we go talk to the real deal.”

“You mean… let her out?” Steven frowned apprehensively. “I don’t know, Mabel… The Gems won’t be too happy if they find out that we let the dangerous Homeworld Gem that we’ve been tracking down for weeks out right after they captured her…”

“Well, who says the Gems are even gonna find out?” Mabel winked mischievously. “If Peridot really does have something important to say, then that’s great! We can convince her to tell the Gems about it and pretend like the whole thing was an accident. But if she just ends up being a big ol’ meanie about the whole thing, then we can always just fuse again and put her right back into a bubble like nothing ever happened! It’s as easy as that!”

“Hm… well, when you put it like that…” Steven considered, hoping that this idea would end up working. True, releasing Peridot from her bubbled prison was something of a risky plan, but if the green Gem did indeed hold some sort of significant unknown information, then that risk would be more than worth it. “Room, we need to go to the basement,” the young Gem announced authoritatively. “The real basement. I know there’s a way down there!”

Fortunately, the room complied, parting away a layer of clouds to reveal a pole descending downwards. Steven and Mabel shared a determined glance at this before they rushed for it, with the young Gem calling out his thanks to the room before they both hopped onto the pole, cheering gleefully as they rapidly slid down it throughout the temple.

“Wooo!” Steven laughed brightly as the pole began to twist and turn and defy gravity, though somehow they never fell of it so long as they held on tight. “This is awesome!”

“Yeah…” Mabel smiled down at Steven below her, paying more attention to him than their exhilarating descent. “It is…”

In what seemed like hardly any time at all, the pole ran out, dropping the pair into the burning room in an open freefall. Steven took the most advantage of it, spinning in midair as he fell and not noticing how close he was getting to the ground as a result. “Yeah! Triple 550 deluxe with no cheese!” he proclaimed mere seconds before he inevitably ended up landing on the hard ground rather clumsily. Before the young Gem really had much of a chance to recover from such a hard impact, Mabel happened to land directly on top of him, eliciting another small gasp of pain from Steven in light of how mildly hurt he already was. All the same, Mabel couldn’t help but notice as she righted herself somewhat, just how close her face incidentally was to Steven’s as she practically hovered over him. For a few seconds that felt like ages to her, Mabel didn’t move, instead staring straight down at Steven below her until he finally broke her out of her lovestruck amazement with a look of genuine confusion.

“Um… Mabel? Is everything ok?” he asked, noting her wide, wondering eyes staring into his.

In an instant, Mabel bolted upright, pulling herself to her feet before hurrying to help the young Gem do the same. “Uh, y-yeah! Everything’s fine! Great even!” she vouched with a very flustered chuckle. “I-I was just making sure you were ok after breaking my fall like that! Uh, t-thanks for that by the way, buddy!” She quipped quite awkwardly, landing a playful punch on Steven’s shoulder as she really didn’t know what else to do to divert attention away from her almost completely transparent crush on him.

“Uh sure…” Steven smiled back, though he was still somewhat bewildered as he rubbed his sore are. “Don’t mention it. Now, we just need to find Peridot’s bubble… It could take a while since there’s so many in here, but-”

“Ooo! Found her!” Mabel proclaimed, pointing the recently bubbled green gemstone out amidst the rest.

“Ok,” Steven began diffidently as he came to stand beside Mabel. “So we’re about to release a dangerous Homeworld Gem.”

“Yep,” Mabel nodded, her hands on her hips.

“Who… also just got out of a fusion with Bill Cipher…”

“Yep.”

“This… could get intense…”

“Hey, well just remember our plan,” Mabel assured confidently. “If anything goes wrong, then all we need to do is form Maven and Peridot’s as good as bubbled again!”

“Yeah… bubbled…” Steven agreed halfheartedly, not too fond of the idea of having to poof Peridot all over again if she refused to comply. Still, there’d be no knowing what they’d need to do without releasing the green Gem in the first place. And so, the young Gem took the initiative, scaling up the nearest veiny pillar in an attempt to reach the bubble in question. “Aaaaaand… gotcha!” he exclaimed, though his excitement was cut short as he slipped the moment he got a grip on Peridot’s bubble. Mabel was ready to spot him even as he fell, though inevitably, both kids ended up hitting the ground, as well as the bubble, which popped almost instant upon impact.

Steven and Mabel were quick to pick themselves up off the ground as soon as a pale green light began to surround the small triangular gemstone. Peridot’s familiar form started to take shape around it, but as she regenerated in full, the kids were left completely awestruck by what they saw, even as she finally finished her cut-off warning from before.

“-the Cluster, you insufferable, half-formed, traitor, mega-clods!” the green Gem shouted, throwing her arm forward and believing her laser was still attached to it. However, Peridot was quick to realize that her extended arms, as well as her lower legs were gone, revealing her actual, un-enhanced form for what it truly was.

“Oh my gosh…” Steven breathed in amazement as he looked the startled green Gem up and down.

“I can’t believe it…” Mabel also noted in awe before breaking out into a huge, elated smile. “You’re so… so…”

“CUTE!” both kids exclaimed brightly, rushing to stand alongside Peridot, who, without her extended limbs, was actually only about as tall as they were.

“M-my limb enhancers!” Peridot exclaimed in alarm, stretching out her arms and legs only to see that, horrifically enough, they were short and small and ultimately powerless. “Where are my limb enhancers?!”

“Aw, she’s even cuter when she gets angry!” Mabel quipped warmly. “She’s like… like a grumpy kitten!”

“Yeah!” Steven agreed with a good-natured chuckle. “Or an angry little slice of pie, right?”

“I am most certainly NOT that despicable abomination that called itself ‘Pyrite’ any longer!” Peridot snapped fiercely before letting out a frightened gasp. “W-wait… that… Cipher creature isn’t still lurking around here… is he?”

“Um… no,” Steven said earnestly, somewhat concerned upon seeing just how genuinely afraid Peridot seemed to be at the mere mention of Bill. “He’s gone, for now at least…”

“H-he better be!” the green Gem exclaimed, still clearly quite frantic. “I don’t ever want to so much as see that monster ever again after he tricked me into that disaster of a fusion! A-and not to mention what he did to my-” Peridot cut herself off as Mabel, quite out of nowhere, suddenly folded her into a light, cheerful side hug, one that baffled the green Gem completely given her ongoing fury. “Uh… what is this?”

“It’s a hug, silly!” Mabel laughed, maintaining the embrace. “I figured you needed a good one, since you were having a bit of a crazy meltdown there. Plus, I just couldn’t help myself. You’re so small and adorable and huggable!”

“Stop talking and release me from your death grip this instant!” Peridot growled, harshly shoving Mabel away from her and not even caring as she hit the floor.

“Hey!” Mabel protested with a sour pout. “That wasn’t nice!”

“I don’t care!” the green Gem shouted hotly, absolutely livid. “I demand to know what this place is, and where I-” Peridot once again stopped short as she finally stole a glance upward, her jaw dropping in terrified shock upon seeing the countless collection of bubbled Gems right above her head. “Oh my stars… You’re going to harvest me?!”

“No!” Steven interjected fretfully. “I mean, we were just—ow!” The young Gem flinched back as Peridot suddenly lashed out, slapping him squarely on the face. “Hey! That hurt!”

“…It did?” Peridot asked, glancing down at her small, fully connected fingers.

“Yeah, a lot,” Steven frowned, rubbing the side of his face only for Peridot to suddenly strike him once again. “Ow!”

“Hey, stop that!” Mabel rushed over to the young Gem’s side in an attempt to stop the green Gem’s sudden burst of miniscule violence. “We don’t hit people around here. That’s not what—ouch!” She cut herself off as she was suddenly victim to an unexpected slap from Peridot as well, who couldn’t help but let out a small, satisfied snicker at the discovery of her newfound ‘power’.

“Yes!” she cheered viciously, letting out a barrage of quick, relentless slaps on both of the kids. “Feel my unbridled rage!”

“Ow! Ow!” Mabel cried, trying in vain to block the green Gem’s continuous small, sharp blows. “S-Steven, is it too late or too early to fuse into Maven to stop this?!”

“Oh, you will do NO such thing!” Peridot hissed, pausing her attack briefly. “That four armed nuisance was the catalyst for my defeat and I will not allow you to-”

“Hey!” Steven took his chance to grab the green Gem’s wrists to keep her from hitting them any further in an attempt to get her to calm down. “Hey… hey. What’s that on your shirt?”

“What’s a shirt?” Peridot asked, glancing down at the finger Steven was pointing at her chest only for him to swiftly bring that finger up to flick her on the nose. “Ow! Augh! That does it!”

Fully provoked, the green Gem picked her ongoing assault up exactly where she had left it, resorting to tackling the pair with largely directionless, yet painful slaps. Despite their attempts to escape from her range, Peridot was persistent, essentially chasing them around the burning room and never letting up even once amidst her palpable fury.

“Ok, do you really have to keep hitting us like this?” Mabel struggled to ask between strikes.

“Yeah, w-why are you acting like this?!” Steven implored, holding up a hand as he ended up stumbling to the ground.

“You stabbed me into a limbless cloud!” Peridot ranted as she continued her attack. “You trapped me in your bubble dungeon! And you called me… cute!” At this, the green Gem attempted to come in with a full on punch, one that Steven and Mabel only narrowly stepped out of the way of, allowing Peridot to trip and fall on the ground nearby.

“We didn’t poof you!” Steven insisted firmly.

“You helped,” Peridot pointed out, sending them a cross glare.

“No, we—ok, well I guess we sorta did,” Mabel admitted awkwardly. “But that’s only ‘cause you were fused with Bill! We had to stop you somehow. But that doesn’t matter right now. What does matter is that we wanna help you! That’s why we let you out!”

“…Why would you make such a miscalculation?” the green Gem asked, pulling her legs to her chest as she looked to the pair suspiciously.

“Back at the warp pad,” Steven began, kneeling down in front of Peridot as Mabel did the same. “What were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know?”

“What do I know?” Peridot scoffed, as though the answer was obvious. “Only everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble!”

“Cluster?” Steven and Mabel both asked in unison, exchanging a curious glance before the former picked up on the latter part of what the green Gem had said. “Wait… pebble?”

“My mission!” Peridot snapped angrily. “The reason why I’m on this sad, corn-infested rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out before it hatches. I wasn’t supposed to get stuck here, or make ill-conceived deals with well-dressed triangles, or be forcibly ‘married’ to a bunch of ‘gnomes’!”

“Oooo, girl, tell me about it!” Mabel exclaimed with an empathetic, knowing grin.

“But I’ve been sidetracked far too many times and now its too late!” Peridot continued, genuine fear filling her frustration. “It’s going to emerge and nothing can stop it and we’ll all be shattered!”

“Ok, ok, wait,” Steven interjected rationally, wanting more information on what this apparent threat was. “Slow down. From the top: emerging… hatching… Clusters?”

“Oh yeah, is it a bad thing?” Mabel asked just as intently. “Cause from the way you’re making it sound, it seems like it could sorta be a bad thing…”

Peridot paused at this, looking between the kids with a rather unreadable expression before leaning in somewhat. “You wanna know?”

“Yes,” Steven said as Mabel nodded in insistent agreement.

“You really wanna know?”

“…Yes?”

The green Gem was quiet for another short beat before suddenly pointing down at Steven’s chest. “What’s your shirt?”

“Oh, these are my banana pajamas,” Steven grinned before Peridot suddenly flicked him in the nose, just as he had done to her. “Ow! Hey!”

“S-Steven!” Mabel gasped, quickly jumping to her feet as she helped the young Gem do the same. “Look!” She frantically pointed at Peridot, who had already put quite a bit of distance between herself and them as she scurried off towards the room’s nearby exit.

“W-wait! Don’t run away!” Steven called, hurrying after her.

“Don’t worry!” Mabel assured, reaching into her night shirt. “She won’t be running for too much—aw, nuts!” she huffed in disappointment as her search came up empty. “I left my grappling hook in the house!”

“Ha! Try and catch me now, you impertinent clumps!” Peridot taunted back at them, chuckling manically as she quickly climbed up towards the temple gate. Knowing that they couldn’t simply let her escape with the seemingly important information she had at her disposal, the kids gave chase, though they were ultimately unable to stop her from rushing out of the temple and into the house itself.

“S-stop!” Steven yelled as he also hurried out through the gate with Mabel not too far behind. “They’re gonna see you!”

This warning fell on deaf ears, however, as Peridot continued gleefully celebrating her victory, unaware of the trio of Gems congregated in the kitchen, even as she passed by it. “Yes! Freedom is mine!” she proclaimed, stopping short right before the door leading outside. One single glance over her shoulder, however, made her realize this freedom might be short lived as she made eye contact with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, all of whom were absolutely shocked to see her free and on the run once again.

“Wait!” Steven and Mabel cried, hurrying to throw themselves between Peridot and the Gems before any kind of altercation could take place. Unfortunately for them, however, the green Gem only succeeded in making things even worse than they already were.

“L-look!” she exclaimed, pointing upwards in the hopes of diverting the Gems’ attention. “Another planet to betray!”

Needless to say this ploy didn’t work as the Gems instantly summoned their weapons, sending her a resilient glare that easily conveyed their intentions to recapture her immediately. Peridot choked out a frightened gasp but all the same, she turned on her heel, running off without any sort of delay. “Retreat!” she cried, scrambling over to the front door, only for Garnet and Pearl to block her path, weapons drawn and ready to attack.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Pearl exclaimed, taking a swing that Peridot only narrowly dodged as she ran on all fours up the loft stairs, only to find Amethyst casually waiting on Steven’s bed, her whip coiled up in her hands.

“Heeeey,” the purple Gem greeted with a smug smile, one that sent the green Gem fleeing in terror once more.

“H-hold on a second, you guys!” Steven implored his guardians as they continued chasing Peridot around the house, even as the green Gem faceplanted flat onto the floor below.

“Y-yeah, there’s no need to resort to anymore violence!” Mabel urged, only to cringe slightly as Garnet almost punched Peridot clean in the face.

“Get her!” the Gem leader shouted, running after the green Gem as she began to make a beeline for the now unblocked door.

“You’ll never take me alive, you filthy traitors!” Peridot snarled as she leapt for the door, ripping through its lower screen and right off the edge of the front porch with a loud crash. The Gems were more than prepared to rush after her, however, they were stopped just short of the door by Steven and Mabel jumped directly in front of it.

“Wait!” Steven exclaimed, throwing his arms out wide. “You guys have to stop chasing her!”

“What? Have you guys gone totally nuts?” Amethyst asked incredulously.

“She just escaped again,” Pearl huffed impatiently. “Of course we have to chase her!”

“But-” Mabel attempted to interject, only for Garnet to intervene and gently move them both aside.

“We can talk later,” she said succinctly, tossing the door open as Amethyst and Pearl hurried out first. “But for now, don’t let her get away!”

Steven and Mabel only took the time to exchange a brief, anxious glance before they also followed the Gems outside into the night. Even from the porch, they were able to spot Peridot, who still had an impressive lead over the Gems, largely since she was mostly falling down the hill rather than running down it. The green Gem let out an array of pained, frustrated shouts as she rolled down the incline, only coming to a stop as she crashed hard into the side of the Mystery Shack. Dazed from the fall, Peridot picked herself up rather groggily, only to quickly shake herself out of it as soon as she realized the Gems were still on her tail.

“Peridot!” Garnet shouted fiercely, Amethyst and Pearl running right behind her with their weapons still at the ready to take her out all over again. Peridot let out a startled cry and took a very brief second to glance around frantically for any kind of escape, only to interestingly enough, find one directly above her head. One of the shack’s smaller windows hung partially open, just wide enough for the green Gem in her now compact, diminutive size, to squeeze through. And with the Gems mere seconds away from converging upon her and capturing her, it was an opportunity that Peridot didn’t hesitate to take.

Which was why she climbed, or rather, scrambled up the nearby trash can, nearly falling off of it entirely as she used it as a boost into the open window. However, as Peridot clumsily slipped in through the window and into the shack’s kitchen, she failed to initially notice that she wasn’t the only one in the room.

“Do do do do, gettin’ a midnight snack, do do,” Stan sang to himself as he rifled through the fridge for said snack, finally settling on a leftover sandwich and a can of Pitt Cola. However, what the conman wasn’t prepared for as he closed the fridge with food in hand, was to turn around only to find a small, green figure falling down from the window behind him and faceplanting hard onto the floor.

“W-what the-?!” Stan exclaimed in alarm as he accidentally dropped his snack. Peridot bolted upright with a gasp upon realizing she had been caught, only to let out a catlike hiss at the conman as she grabbed a pan that was resting on the nearby counter.

“Stay back, you over-aged human!” she barked threaten, holding the pan out like a weapon. “I have a… blunt force object and I am not afraid to use it!”

Upon hearing this warning, Stan simply let out an unimpressed scoff, crossing his arms as he looked down to the petite green Gem. “Yeah, like I’m afraid of some vegetable gremlin with a frying pan,” he remarked sardonically before taking a second glance at Peridot. “Wait a second, aren’t you that loudmouthed green punk who-”

The conman didn’t get a chance to finish for at that exact moment, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl all burst into the shack through the front door, rushing into the kitchen to find none other than Peridot standing out in the open for them to catch. “Hey! Hey!” Stan interjected hotly, none too pleased by the late, unwelcome intrusion. “What’s the big idea here?! You three can’t just break into somebody’s house in the middle of the night so you can-”

“After her!” Pearl shouted, pointing directly at Peridot, who didn’t hesitate to fearfully flee once more. However, with far less space to work with this time, the ongoing game of cat and mouse between the green Gem and her trio of nemeses became even more frantic and intense. Peridot made good use of her smaller size to get the higher ground on the counter, even going as far as to climb up on top of the cabinets before jumping onto the fridge. All the while, the Gems did their best to try and wrangle her in, with Pearl tossing spear after spear as Amethyst lashed her whip out recklessly. Needless to say that as this chase carried on into other rooms throughout the shack, it was causing quite a bit of destruction in its wake, something that set Stan off in particular, especially as they rushed through the gift shop and the museum.

“Hey! Careful with the merchandise!” the conman warned as he followed after the Gems as they pursued Peridot. “You break it, you bought it, you little green runt! Same goes for you three!”

“Not now, Stan!” Pearl huffed, swinging her spear out in the hopes of hitting Peridot only to knock over a display rack instead.

“Yeah, we gotta catch ourselves a clod,” Amethyst smirked as she tossed her whip again, though once more, Peridot narrowly dodged it.

“As if!” the green Gem shot back as she continued running around frantically. “Also, how dare you call me by my insult, you CLOD!”

***

As this chaos continued to unfold upstairs, down in the author’s private study, Dipper and Ford were largely initially unaware of it amidst their ongoing discussion regarding a certain twisted fusion. “I can’t believe it,” Ford mused intently as he paced around frenetically. “Bill fusing with Gems… its completely unheard of! Not to mention utterly terrifying, all things considered.”

“I know, right?!” Dipper exclaimed, leaning forward in his seat. “We barely managed to beat Pyrite even after all of the Gems fused. Just imagine if Bill fused with a Gem whose even stronger than Peridot was!”

“Oh believe me, I already am imagining it…” the author said gravely, sparing a brief glance at the rift sitting on the desk nearby. “With his ability to both possess and fuse with Gems, all it would take would for Bill to find the right one, drag them to earth and then he wouldn’t even have to bother with breaking the barrier or stealing the rift. He could just obliterate it, the house, and all of us in an instant.”

“W-well, that’s… encouraging…” Dipper said, clearly frightened by such an alarming prospect.

“Don’t worry,” Ford assured, placing a comforting hand on his nephew’s shoulder. “Between the two of us, I’m sure we’ll be able to figure out some way to protect the rift and stop Bill once and for all.

“Like…?” Dipper ventured, hoping that the author had a rather immediate plan in mind to do just that.

“O-oh… well…” Ford glanced away, scratching the back of his neck rather awkwardly. “We can-” The author stopped short, raising a curious eyebrow as he glanced up at the ceiling, hearing a rather muted thumping clatter coming from directly above them. “Do you hear that?”

By the time Steven and Mabel breathlessly arrived at the shack, the entire building was in complete and utter disarray. Furniture had been flipped, windows broken, plates and pans strewn across the kitchen while souvenirs and attractions were tossed all about the gift shop. Yet even still, neither Peridot nor the Gems had won this frantic, ongoing chase, as the green Gem had evaded capture, though her foes were really only a few steps behind her all the while. The pair of kids gasped in alarm as the collective group rushed past them and up the stairs to the second floor, including Stan as he ran after the Gems, yelling his angry protests to the destruction they were causing all the while.

“We gotta stop them before they poof her again!” Steven exclaimed fretfully. “Come on!”

Mabel gasped in flustered surprise as the young Gem suddenly grabbed her hand, hurriedly leading the way up the stairs as they both joined in on the chase as well. However, it didn’t end up going on for too much longer as Amethyst lashed her whip out once more in a strike that Peridot only barely managed to swerve out of the way of. Inevitably, she ended up tripping as a result, though this time, she maneuvered herself to fall sideways, or rather, into the open doorway right beside her. The green Gem didn’t waste any time as soon as she realized she could cut herself off from her foes and, in one swift movement, far too quick for anyone to even try to stop, Peridot slammed the door shut tightly in all of their faces, locking it tightly behind her.

“You may have won the war, but the battle isn’t over, Crystal Clods!” Peridot laughed in her apparent ‘triumph’ as everyone was forced to stop short in front of the door. The door the green Gem had effectively trapped herself behind.

“Uh… should we tell her that’s the bathroom?” Mabel asked, nodding to the door.

“Eh,” Amethyst simply shrugged as the other two Gems honed in to listen to the green Gem muse to herself in her new “hiding spot”.

“Hm… it seems as though I discovered some sort of archaic think chamber…” Peridot speculated as she walked around the bathroom, investigating the toilet, sink, and other features. “Roomy. With a hint of Earth citrus. The perfect crossroads for my escape!”

“Ugh, its locked!” Pearl huffed as she tried to pull the door open in vain.

“Peridot! Open the door!” Garnet commanded, pounding on it heavily before Stan stepped in to do the same.

“You better get out of there you pointy little freak!” Stan threatened gruffly. “Its bad enough I have to deal with Amethyst comin’ in here and messing up the place all the time-”

“Aw, c’mon, Stan,” Amethyst smirked, elbowing the conman’s knee. “You know you love it.”

“I actually don’t, but even if I did, I’m not about to let some mouthy green midget do the same on my watch!” Stan snapped, knocking hard on the door once again only to be met with the sound of flushing on the other side.

“Uh, if you’re trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it won’t work,” Amethyst called to the green Gem, who was in the midst of sullenly doing just that in a rather lame escape attempt. “Trust me, I’ve tried.”

“Hey, what’s going on?” Dipper cut in as him and Ford arrived in light of the former din of the chase. “We just heard a whole bunch of noise downstairs. Is something wrong?”

“I’ll tell ya what’s wrong,” Stan crossed his arms and scowled at the bathroom door. “These three let some four-foot queen of the geeks lock herself in my bathroom!”

“My bathroom,” Ford corrected, sending his brother a critical look.

“Yeah, that’s what I said,” the conman said rather obliviously.

“Ugh, what really happed is that Peridot somehow escaped from the temple,” Pearl explained, exasperated. “Which makes no sense! We bubbled her and everything!”

“Yeah, we did!” Dipper exclaimed, shocked to hear such alarming news. “W-well, I mean you guys did, but I poofed her! How could she have gotten out and made it all the way down here?!”

Steven and Mabel exchanged a brief, awkward glance upon hearing the ongoing confusion, though neither of them were really sure how to explain the truth of the matter as the debate continued. “Uh, maybe we need a bigger bubble to hold that big head of hers,” Amethyst suggested sardonically.

“My bubbles are fine,” Garnet assured coolly, still leaving the majority of the group with no answers whatsoever. As this unwitting discussion went on (amidst Stan angrily interjecting every now and then to speak his piece about how he wanted Peridot out of the bathroom), Steven and Mabel couldn’t help but feel mutually guilty for the difficult spot they were now in. And, sure enough, that guilt inevitably led them to finally reveal who was really responsible for the green Gem’s escape.

“Uh… actually…” Mabel interjected into the conversation, raising her hand somewhat awkwardly as Steven glanced away. “W-we sorta… kinda… maybe… let Peridot out of her bubble.”

For a moment or two in the immediate aftermath of this stark revelation, the most anyone could really do was stare at the pair in stunned silence, their expressions awash in disbelief. That is, until Dipper finally broke it. “You did what?!” he asked, his tone and his expression harsh enough to make Steven and Mabel both flinch.

“Steven! Mabel!” Pearl scolded, just as displeased. “Why would you kids do such a thing?! Especially after how long it took us to finally capture her!”

“Because she knows something!” Steven exclaimed defensively. “Something that’s made her scared!”

“Duh,” Amethyst rolled her eyes. “Homegirl knows we’re gonna beat her into a green pancake.”

“No, not because of us,” the young Gem clarified. “Because of something called… ‘the Cluster’.”

“Cluster?” Garnet repeated, crossing her arms. “That’s new.”

“Did she tell you anything else about this so-called ‘Cluster’?” Ford asked, also quite curious.

“Uh… somethin’ about it being her mission?” Mabel shrugged. “I dunno, she talks really fast when she’s angry.”

“Her mission, hm?” Pearl mused worriedly. “Well if it’s the reason why she came to Earth in the first place, then its likely nothing good…”

“That’s right, you dirt bombs!” Peridot shouted from inside the bathroom as she climbed up onto the sink. “You don’t even know what’s coming! You’re all gonna—ooooo…” The green Gem trailed off, her train of thought all but abandoned as she noticed her own reflection in the mirror in front of her.

“Hmph, I’m tired of playing these games with her,” Garnet huffed, knocking on the door once more. “If we can’t fight her, then fine; we’ll talk. Peridot!” The Gem leader’s sudden call was enough to startle the green Gem into slipping off the sink and onto the floor. “Alright, no more fighting,” Garnet tried to rationalize as calmly as she could. “Let’s just have a civil conversation.”

“As if I’d ever negotiate with you, you filthy war machine!” Peridot yelled viciously, instantly eliciting the Gem leader’s ire.

“Ok, let’s kick her butt,” Garnet scowled, summoning her gauntlets without a second thought only for Steven and Mabel to intervene once more.

“Wait!” Mabel exclaimed as they put themselves between the incensed Gem leader and the bathroom door.

“Yeah, destroy me again and have fun talking to me when I’m in a bubble!” Peridot goaded as she hung from the shower curtain, only to bring it down with her as she fell with a momentous crash.

“Aw, come on!” Stan groaned in severe aggravation. “She already tore up the entire shack; why’s she gotta wreck the bathroom too!? I count my money in there! Among… other things!”

“Well, its not like we can very well just go in there and kick her out, Stan,” Pearl remarked dryly. “I really hate to say it, but… unfortunately, if she has information, she’s more valuable to us like… this…”

“What?!” Dipper interjected in outraged disbelief. “No way! We can’t just let her stay out and unbubbled like this! Especially not after what happened with the whole Pyrite thing!”

“I’m afraid that we don’t really have too much of a choice, Dipper,” Ford said rationally. “None of us know what this supposed Cluster is. If it really is something dangerous, then we have to seek answers concerning it straight from the only source we have at our disposal. Even if that source is… well…” The author trailed off, nodding towards the locked bathroom door just as the bathtub faucet turned on.

“H-hot! Hot! Hot!” Peridot screamed, resulting in yet another noisy clatter as she broke something else.

“You have to turn the knob the other way for cold!” Mabel informed brightly.

“B-but this is crazy!” Dipper protested intently. “Peridot could be lying about this whole ‘Cluster’ thing for all we know!”

“That’s just it,” Garnet said, adjusting her shades. “We don’t know.”

Dipper was more than prepared to keep his upset argument against the green Gem’s relative freedom going, however, before Stan cut in crossly. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold everything!” the conman exclaimed, disgruntled. “You all aren’t really about to let that little punk squat in my bathroom, are you?”

“Again, my bathroom,” Ford said, annoyed.

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Well, what other option do we have?” Pearl scoffed. “Keep her outside on a leash?” At this, the white Gem let out a bit of a laugh, one that died out as she began to seriously consider the idea.

“W-well… what if one of us needs to use the bathroom!?” Dipper asked, trying to come up with some way to deter from what he believed to be an ill-fated plan.

“What, like right now?” Amethyst asked, leaning against the wall.

“Um… y-yeah!” Dipper asserted even though it was something of a lie. “Which means we need to get Peridot out of there and back in a bubble. Right now!”

“Pfft, just go in the woods, bro,” the purple Gem retorted with a smirk. “Pssshh. Like a beaaaar.”

“Ugh! What’s with you guys and making us pee outside?!” Dipper groaned in obvious frustration as he stormed off, wanting no parts of willingly harboring the green Gem whatsoever.

“Well, I have fun doing it…” Amethyst shrugged, not seeing what the problem was.

“I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but I’m with the kid,” Stan scowled petulantly. “That green munchkin doesn’t have to go home but she sure as heck can’t stay here.”

“Well… maybe she won’t have to,” Mabel interjected thoughtfully. “We could always try asking her about the Cluster nicely. Maybe if we make her feel like we’re not gonna poof her at any minute, then she might actually wanna tell us something!”

“I doubt that’s going to work…” Garnet said as Peridot continued making an unknown ruckus inside the bathroom. “This is going to be tricky…”

“No, it won’t be because you three are gonna get her outta my bathroom and deal with this stupid mess on your own!” Stan huffed hotly.

“For the last time, Stanley, its my bathroom!” Ford snapped disapprovingly. “And as far as I’m concerned, even though I’m not fond of the idea of keeping a potentially dangerous Homeworld Gem locked inside of it—even if the possibility for undiscovered research is quite enticing—that’s where she’s going to stay. At least until she breaks her stance of silence on this mysterious ‘Cluster’.”

“Ha! I’ll never break for you pathetic CLODS!” Peridot threatened before letting out a shrill shriek as she slipped and fell on the floor once more.

“Ugh, fine!” Stan growled bitterly. “Do whatever the heck you want. But if that puny freak gets her grubby little hands on my collection of rare imported soaps I stole from the Dominican, then I’m gonna boot her outta this house myself!”

With that, the conman swiftly turned on his heel and left, grumbling angrily about this unwelcome situation to himself all the while as he headed back to bed. Ford and the Gems only briefly exchanged a beleaguered glance at this before diving right back into discussing how their current captive’s custody was going to work.

“Well, these circumstances certainly aren’t… optimal…” Pearl said with a small sigh. “It’d be better if we held Peridot somewhere closer to the temple, just in case she tries pulling any of her tricks…”

“One of us will just have to stay here and guard over her then,” Garnet concluded.

“Oh! Oh!” Steven cut in with an excited smile as he raised his hand. “I volunteer! I volunteer!”

“Now Steven,” Pearl said firmly. “That means you have to keep a close eye on Peridot when we can’t. And it certainly means that you can’t let her out again, at least until we get this whole Cluster thing figured out. Understood?”

“Um… yeah, sure,” Steven said with a bit of a halfhearted smile, not particularly fond of keeping the green Gem prisoner like this. Still, anything was better than keeping her alone and unformed in a bubble, as far as he was concerned.

“You guys got nothing to worry about!” Mabel chimed in enthusiastically. “I’ll help Steven watch Peri to make sure she doesn’t get up to any sneaky shenanigans! Together, we’ll be the funnest bathroom prison wardens ever!”

A small, uncertain beat of silence passed as the Gems looked to each other dubiously at such a claim, though thankfully, Ford cut in to reassure them. “Not that we don’t… trust you kids or anything, but just to be safe, I think I’ll take the liberty of helping out this… surveillance effort,” he said, sparing a brief, determined glance up at the bathroom door. “Plus, in the event that Peridot does end up breaking out of there, I have about 27 different all-purpose weapons in my collection that could destabilize her form in a heartbeat so we should have all our bases just about covered.”

Upon hearing this rather alarming statement, Steven and Mabel exchanged a rather worried glance, hoping that things wouldn’t resort to such violent straits. Even so, with their plans fully laid out, Ford and the Gems gradually began to make their way downstairs, wisely discussing their concerns regarding both the green Gem as well as the dream demon she had recently fused with. As they left, Steven and Mabel mostly lingered near the bathroom, with the young Gem’s expression slowly spreading into a wide grin as he turned to face his friend.

“Mabel, do you know what this means?” he asked brightly, gripping her shoulders gently.

Mabel froze, her heart practically racing a mile a minute as she noticed this, and though she wasn’t sure where such apparent affection was coming from, she was more than ready to take it all the same. “Y-yeah… I do…” she smiled dreamily, closing her eyes and slightly poising her lips for what she had been hoping for for so long now. Only to not actually receive it after all.

“Extended slumber party!” Steven cheered, shaking her by the shoulders a bit and rattling her out of her fantasy.

“O-oh, yeah…” Mabel blushed, glancing down in severe embarrassment. “Slumber party… wooo…”

“Though, I guess this slumber party action is gonna have to wait until tomorrow…” Steven noted as he stole a glance out the nearby hall window to find the light of dawn just starting to pour in through it. “It’s already morning! Man, time really flies when you’re fighting a Gem-demon fusion and then busting that same Gem out of her bubble.”

“Yeah, I bet it does…” Dipper spoke up, his arms crossed and his expression sullen as he leaned against the railing at the top of the stairs at the far end of the hall.

“Aw, come on, bro-bro, don’t be all grumpy about this,” Mabel frowned. “We had to let Peridot out! She knows some sorta secret biz that the rest of us don’t!”

“Or maybe she just told you guys that to convince you to let her out!” Dipper countered angrily. “Honestly, what were you guys thinking?! How could you possibly think you can trust her after she made a deal with Bill?!”

“Uh… no offense, Dipper, but didn’t you make a deal with Bill too?” Mabel retorted, sending her brother a knowing look.

“T-that doesn’t matter!” Dipper refuted, flustered and upset. “What matters is that she’s still a Homeworld Gem, whether she has any kind of information or not. Don’t you guys remember how her ship nearly destroyed the town!? Or how she interrogated Lapis and forced her to come back here just so she could end up trapped with Jasper at the bottom of the lake?! Peridot’s awful and she deserved to be defeated and she deserves to be bubbled, not free to run around just because you guys think she might know about something about would could very well just be nothing!”

“Dipper…” Steven began with a calm, sympathetic frown. “I know Peridot’s done a lot of… bad things, but this ‘Cluster’ thing does seem like its real and important. That’s why we gotta at least try to convince her to tell us what it is. And I think the best way to do that is by being nice to her!”

“…Sure, it is, Steven,” Dipper deadpanned, exasperated. “But if its all the same to you, I’m not about to take any chances with her.” At this, he rushed upstairs to the attic, hurrying back down with the Sword of Seasons securely strapped to his back. “If ‘being nice’ won’t get her to talk, I’m pretty sure this will.”

“Uh, maybe we can try talking to her without holding her at sword point the whole time…?” Steven suggested as he knocked on the bathroom door. “Peridot, can we come in? We need to get ready for the day.”

“No!” Peridot hissed on the other side of the door, firm in her stance to remain barricaded inside.

“Wait a sec, I got this,” Mabel smirked as she pulled out the green Gem’s former foot, which her and Steven had wisely decided to bring down from the temple. “Oh, Periiiii! We got a super special present for you if you let us in!”

A brief bout of silence passed at this, though sure enough, the door creaked open and Peridot glared out through the crack. Upon noticing the final remnant of her treasured limb enhancers however, she was completely unable to resist the ploy. With a disgruntled growl, the green Gem snatched her foot and pulled back, finally allowing the trio inside to see the mess she had made. The shower curtain rod had been completely torn down, towels and toilet paper were strewn everywhere and an entire bottle of shampoo had been dumped aimlessly out onto the floor. Even so, Peridot had taken to curling up in the far corner of the room as the kids entered, scowling distrustfully at the three of them and clinging tightly onto her foot all the while.

“What a great souvenir of that other time you assaulted me…” she grumbled sourly.

“Oh, right…” Steven said, looking away awkwardly. “We can always take it back if you-”

“N-no, it’s too late!” Peridot protested, pulling the foot away possessively. “You… wouldn’t happen to have the rest?”

“Uh… we… sorta threw them away?” Mabel said apologetically. “Sorry about that…”

“Ugh… figures…” the green Gem huffed in annoyed disappointment.

“Hey, be lucky that we didn’t decide to do the same with you,” Dipper remarked rather coldly, sending Peridot a harsh glower. “And honestly, if you don’t start talking soon, we still easily could.”

Peridot shrank back somewhat as Dipper nodded to his still sheathed sword, her eyes widening at the sight of the familiar blade before she forced herself to resume her ongoing deadpan attitude. “You keep that multipurposed hunk of metal away from me, you ‘Dipper’…” she muttered threateningly, though it was clear she was still somewhat afraid of the blade that had defeated her all the same.

“Yeah, for reals, bro-bro,” Mabel said, placing a comforting hand on the green Gem’s shoulder as she looked to her brother disapprovingly. “Poor thing’s already been through enough with that whole Pyrite mess. Don’t traumatize her even more!”

“Ugh! I thought I told you not to bring that shameful amalgamation up ever again!” Peridot exclaimed in genuine frustration before she curled up on herself even tighter, her voice growing small and fearful. “Its almost like I can still hear that Bill Cipher’s insipid laugh echoing in my head… o-or feel all sense of control of my own form being ripped away from me just so he could exact my vengeance out instead of letting me do it myself! What a completely wasted opportunity!”

“Do you even realize exactly who you fused with?” Dipper asked, crossing his arms as he scowled down at the green Gem. “Bill’s a literal nightmare demon who gets off on causing people as much pain as possible and wants to destroy not just the Earth but reality itself just for his own sick kicks. And that’s the kinda guy you let trick you into fusing just so you could beat us. So you know, nice going with all that since it totally worked out for you.”

Peridot was surprisingly caught off guard upon hearing such information concerning Bill, information that she had never really suspected since the dream demon had told her so very little of himself. “W-well…” she said somewhat meekly. “That explains a lot.”

“Aw, don’t feel bad, Peri!” Mabel reassured warmly. “After all, you’re not the only one who gambled on a bad deal with Bill and lost. Am I right, Dipper?”

“H-hey! Mabel!” Dipper exclaimed hotly before he let out a thoroughly frustrated sigh. “You know what? I’m done. I’m not gonna stand around here and waste my time trying to get information out of a Gem who’s nearly killed us several times. Good luck, you guys,” he remarked to Steven and Mabel as he curtly turned to leave. “I have a feeling you’re gonna need it. And as for you…” He shot a fierce glare Peridot’s way as she raised a rather confused eyebrow at his open hostility. “If you so much as even think about hurting either of them, then you’re gonna have to answer to me…” With one more nod back to the sword on his back, Dipper left, though even as he did he was still grumbling his frustrations with this newfound arrangement with the green Gem as he did.

“What’s his problem?” Peridot asked obliviously the moment he was gone.

“Y-you’re… gonna have to excuse Dipper,” Mabel chuckled awkwardly. “He… sorta kinda doesn’t like you. And by that I mean… he hates you.”

“B-but don’t take it personally!” Steven interjected with a smile. “I’m sure he’ll come around to you eventually, sorta like we already have!”

“Hmph, like I need your futile pity…” Peridot scoffed, glaring away from them. “Just you two wait. Soon enough, I’ll break out of here and find a way back to Homeworld before the Cluster even has a chance to emerge and there’s nothing you puny clods can do to stop me!”

“…Well, for now, could you pass me that toothbrush on the ground beside you?” Mabel asked, pointing it out. The green Gem eyed it suspiciously for a moment before swiping it up, holding it towards the kids threateningly.

“Is this a weapon?” she asked, hoping to use it if it was.

“Only for cavities,” Steven chuckled, amused.

Peridot took one more look at the toothbrush before deciding this was the truth and tossing it over to Mabel so she could brush her teeth. As the kids began washing up and getting ready for the day ahead, the green Gem cautiously observed them, poking frenetically around the sink as Mabel began flossing. “Is that a weapon?” the green Gem asked, nodding down to the hairy comb on the sink.

“Nah, that’s just the comb Grunkle Stan uses to brush out his gross old man back hair,” Mabel explained, sticking her tongue out playfully.

“Is that a weapon?” Peridot pressed again, this time to Steven as she noticed him wiping his face off with a towel.

“Hm… well, I guess it could be if you get it wet and roll it up,” the young Gem said, twisting the towel up a bit. Peridot gasped in fear as he held it up somewhat, jumping onto the toilet as she shielded herself from what she believed to be an oncoming attack. Steven and Mabel looked to each other upon seeing such panicky instincts, knowing that they certainly had their work cut out for them when it came to getting any sort of genuine answers out of the frightened green Gem. “Look,” Steven began earnestly. “I know you’ve been through a lot and that you’re scared, but neither of us are going to hurt you. And… whatever’s going on with the Cluster, we want to help.”

Peridot was quiet upon hearing this, her expression easing up as she sat down on the toilet lid and looked away thoughtfully. “I doubt you can help me,” she said with an apprehensive sigh as she stole a brief glance down. “But I… appreciate the offer.”

“Yay!” Mabel cheered as she suddenly barreled into Peridot with an unexpected hug. “Look at that! You’re already on you way to becoming our new best friend, Peri!”

“Ugh, please,” the green Gem scowled, pushing her away. “After all the trouble you irksome pebbles have caused me, the last thing I want to be is your friend. By the way… what’s a friend?”

“Heh, we’ll have plenty of time to tell you all about that in a bit,” Steven grinned somewhat awkwardly. “For now, do you mind moving? I… kinda have to use that,” he said, nodding to the toilet.

Peridot raised a curious eyebrow as she glanced down at her porcelain perch, not having the faintest idea of what its purpose was as she posed a rather innocent question: “For what?”

Needless to say that neither Steven nor Mabel could hold back their laughter at this, which only served to confuse the green Gem even more. Despite her past actions and surly attitude, neither of them could deny that they had taken something of a liking to her, despite everyone else’s warnings against such a thing. Even so, unlike Dipper or the Gems or anyone else for that matter, Steven and Mabel weren’t about to turn a blind eye to the plight that Peridot seemed to be presenting. The Cluster was, by all accounts, a complete unknown, the truth behind its newfound mysteries being something that only Peridot herself seemed to hold the key to. And certainly, if they were ever going to unlock that mystery, whatever it was, then, as far as they were concerned, treating the green Gem with kindness rather than coldness was the best place to start.

However, even amidst their stalwart plan, neither of them could even hope to anticipate the magnitude of the immense danger that rested deep in the earth beneath their feet. Danger that, if left unchecked was just waiting to emerge and wreak a sort of havoc that no one, absolutely no one would be able to survive.

Next: 

[spiffydolan]

what was the situation with a guy that you were talking ab? i remember you saying something about that before and im always curious about the story 😂

I kinda contemplated answering this… but I don’t think anyone’s really gonna read it anyways, and it honestly doesn’t matter. It’s a very long and complicated story, and I’m not ashamed of my intentions; I’m actually quite proud of them. But I’m ashamed at whom I’ve become since then. I’ll explain that later. Here we goooo

** You’re gonna press keep reading and realize how long this is. I can almost guarantee you that you will change your mind about reading this and immediately click out 😂 It’s really not exciting at all - there’s just a lot of details and backstory that I had to include.

So I met this guy my sophomore year of hs. Me and him were put together in a group with two other people on the first day of school to introduce ourselves. The first thing he said was, “So I’m assuming you’re all Christians?” (we’re in the south, so most people here are christians, but it’s not really many people’s priority. most people just call themselves a christian.) We all said yeah, and he was very blatant and outright said he was an atheist. The 3 of us just kind of looked around (not because he’s an atheist, but just how straightforward he was about it). After a couple of weeks into the school year, he told my friend (who was also in that class) what he thought about me/wanted to do to me… which just makes me really uncomfortable. But he liked me k.

I never liked him in any way, because our beliefs are complete opposite, and mine are so important to me. Also we have very, very different things we do in our free time, and I was not attracted to his extracurriculars. Eventually, we started talking outside of class, but only in a friendly way. He asked me on a date towards the end of the school year, and I declined. Things kinda fizzled after that.

I didn’t speak to him my entire junior year of hs, but I’m not even kidding when I say that I thought of him nearly everyday. In that class sophomore year, we had a lot of “round table discussions” or debates, and some of the things he would comment led me to believe that he clearly had a really rough childhood (neglect, abuse, drunk parents, the sorta thing that truly leaves a lasting impression and can easily make or break you). And that broke my heart. I knew that he used to believe in God, but I think around 7-8th grade, he turned his beliefs around, and I just wanted to understand why. I was pretty confident it was bc his parents and their actions. And I went through a lot of the same things… but those issues only brought me closer to God. So I wanted to understand what the difference was between us that caused different outcomes.

My entire junior year, I wanted to reach out to him again, but I was afraid to. Eventually I did, and me and him got really, really close. We talked about some really serious stuff, and we talked about our beliefs. He said that recently he’s actually kinda started believing in God again. (This guy has a history of changing his beliefs to get in a girl’s pants… so I was very cautious about this.) But he said he still has so many questions about it. So we went to the park one day, and we walked the trails and talked for hours about everything he had questions about. He said that the following week (depending on his work schedule) that he wanted go to church with me. I was ecstatic about this. Even if he was doing it just to make me happy, at least he would have been going. He could hear something that really strikes a nerve ya know.

Work interfered, so we couldn’t go to church together, but we planned to the next Sunday. Before that though, a movie had released in theaters that we both wanted to see so badly, and we agreed to see it together. I confirmed twice with him that it was just as friends, and he agreed. But at this movie, he asked to hold my hand, and I declined. Friends don’t do that. Then when I was taking him home (he didn’t have a car at the time) he told me about how he told his little sister that he was going on a date tonight, and she wanted to meet me so badly. When he got out of the car, he asked to kiss me, and I, again, declined and said that I thought this was only as friends.

Anyways, he called me that night and asked why I wouldn’t be anything other than friends with him. I told him that our beliefs and desires are different, and I won’t budge on mine. I didn’t expect him to either, and I wanted to be respectful of that. I also told him that I’ll be moving away soon, so it’s just not logical to get into any sort of relationship. (long distance isn’t my thing... unless ur Ethan hahahahhahah i hate myself too) He said he understood and hoped nothing would change between us. I agreed. This was on a Friday, and I asked him what his work schedule was like on Sunday and if he still wanted to make it to church with me, and he said he wasn’t sure. After the night of the movie, he started being really short with me and just not interested, because I clearly wasn’t going to sleep with him. He never answered my question about church and didn’t seem interested in going anymore, so I didn’t push it.

We have chatted here and there a few times throughout the rest of the summer and our senior year, but he has a girlfriend now and acts like he doesn’t even know my name. A few weeks ago, I was actually walking into the school behind him, so he held the door open for me. I said good morning and thank you, and he didn’t say a word. He caught back up with his friend, and his friend asked if he knew who I was. This guy said, “Yeah. She’s a bitch.” So there’s that.

I’m not ashamed of anything I did besides the fact that I occasionally said things that could come off as flirty, I guess, and therefore led him on a little bit. And when he would say super blatant, flirty things to me, I never really shut them down, but I accepted them. So I feel like I gave him the thought that he could possibly get in my pants if he tried hard enough. These are the parts that I regret.

My whole intention in all of this was to only understand why he didn’t believe in God. And then he asked to go to church with me, and of course I wasn’t going to decline that. Even if I didn’t necessarily lead him to God, I at least wanted to plant the seed. Ever since the day I met him, he’s always been heavy on my heart, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had moved away for college and never tried talking to him about it all. I just hate the way everything happened. I could have and should have handled things better, and I regret that deeply.

Like I said though, I’m not ashamed of any of this, but I am ashamed of who I’ve become since then. Since maybe October of last year, I have changed completely. Before then, you would’ve never heard a curse word leave my mouth (or go through my head), even if I was singing a song. And you sure as heck wouldn’t hear the kinda racy/sexual comments that I say about Ethan and Grayson hahhahah and the smut I wrote (not to mention all the smut I read)… that’s a whole new aspect of me as well.

I saw myself changing into the person I am now, and I felt heavily convicted. I thought I would be happier though (and honestly, I think I am in some ways), so I pushed passed the guilt and conviction until I got to where I am now. I can say all the curse words and read all the smut I want, and not feel a thing. I’m always conscious of the cursing and realizing that it’s wrong, but I don’t necessarily feel bad about it. I feel so disconnected from God now, and a year ago, I was closer to HIm than ever before. I’m not happy about any of this, but honestly, I don’t necessarily feel horrible like I expected… and that really scares me. 

I never really cared to share this story, because the Anna who did all of that is still here… but y’all don’t know her. And I seem to know her less and less each day. I guess I feel like I’ll be judged for who I am now? but idk. You asked, so here we are. Sorry for the book, but I told you this was a long story.

[junkcrs]

GIMMIE ALL THE ANSWERS MY DUDE

Oh fuck off LMAO

1. Who is your defense main?Mei?? Junkrat??? I definitely have more hours on Junkrat lmao, but if we’re playing comp y’know I’m all about that gold gun Mei

2. Who is your support main?Imma go with Lucio, even though I play every healers at least decently, he’s my top played boy at what... 110 hours? from a flex players that’s a lot yknow

3. Who is your offense main?No thanks, I don’t have that much fun with DPS man, Pharah or Soldier are my best ones bc ez tbh LMAO

4. Who is your tank main?Trick question, all of them. I have the gold hammer but who doesn’t. Playing a shit ton of Winston too, have an impressive amount of hours on DVA and I am (was?? lmao) a solid hog. I play Zarya out of necessity in comp sometimes. Only one I don’t play is Orisa

5. Who is you MAIN main?Uh. IDK. Depends on if it’s QP or Comp. Like... Junkrat is in my top 3 most played and yet I never touched him in comp, etc. I just call myself a tank main ngl.... who has the most hours on Lucio I guess LMAO

6. Which character have you played the least?Orisa, then I think it’s Bastion, both under an hour

7. Which character do you want to learn how to play?Idk I’m pretty satisfied with my character pool, I GUESS a real decent dps but that’s lame

8. Which character do you dislike the most?Tracer whenever she talks tbh... Or Zarya but that’s just because I really don’t give a shit about Zarya

9. Which character’s background story do you like the most?Everyone knows it’s Hog lmfao, it’s so good dude like very little is said about it but at the same time there’s just so much and then so much more when you decide to really stop and think about it. Honorable mention @ winston too

10. Which character’s background story do you like the least?Hmmm there are quite a lot I just straight up find not interesting, Zarya, once again. Or like Pharah I’m so just...  lukewarm about it lmfao. I know literally 96% of the fandom disagrees but idc

11. Which map is your favorite?King’s Row, Numbani, Eichenwalde... Hybrids maps my dude. Lijiang except control point. Also in QP, Anubis defense is the stupidest shit

12. Which map is your least favorite?Oasis & Route 66

13. What Arcade game type is your favorite?Mystery heroes lmaaaao

14. What Arcade game type is your least favorite?Total Mayhem is.... not fun

15. Do you prefer quick play, competitive, arcade mode, or custom games?QP is my go to, but I love comp, especially since I stopped caring

16. Which map type is your favorite? Assault, escort, assault & escort, control, or arena?Hybrids, ez. Then KOTH, 

17. Which map type is your least favorite? Assault, escort, assault & escort, control, or arena?2CP tends to be pretty stale sometimes

18. Which event map was your favorite?Uprising is such an easy win. Fun PvE without getting repetitive  like Halloween

19. Which event map reskin was your favorite?Christmas King’s Row, it was so pretty man. I also really really liked spooky Hollywoods. Holiday themed maps are just fun

20. Which event was your favorite?I think Halloween was the one I had the most fun honestly, not so much the event but the winposes matching and it was the first time a map got reskinned and I remember just going through the map with my friends while we were all freaking out about it

21. Which event legendary skin was your favorite?Cruiser D.Va, Bajie Hog, Ironclad Torb, Witch Mercy.

22. Which event was your least favorite?Summer Games was pretty.... ok? Idk the lucioball was fun but beside that it was aight at best. Or maybe the anniversary event but then again nah... cuz the emotes and skins were on point.

23. Which event legendary skin was your least favorite?I GUESS Null Sector Orisa because it takes away her face and expressions like... pls.... give the ^ ^ back

24. Which event non-legendary skin was your favorite?Mako Hog, Junker DVa, Sunyatta Zen, Deadlock Torb, Daredevil 76 :^)

25. Which event non-legendary skin was your least favorite?Goth Zarya probably LMAO even though I sometimes use them just because theyre so laughably bad. Young shimada bros ain’t great either IMO, but I use young Hanzo because I only play Hanzo as a joke and I like getting the potg with the highlight intro where his hair is just blocking his entire face

26. Which event item do you most regret not getting?Junkrat’s intro 8( and all the voicelines i forgot to buy. 

27. Did you beat the Uprising event on Normal, Hard, Expert, and Legendary?Hard definitely, maybe expert? IDK I didnt especially try to get the achievements so idk

28. Do you have Sombra’s “Power Outage” achievement?Doubt it I don’t really play her

29. Do you have Widowmaker’s “Smooth as Silk” achievement?Yeah I remember I jumped off a roof while being chased by a reaper and just headshot him on the way down

30. Do you have Lucio’s “The Floor is Lava” achievement?Yeah, got it in comp on LiJiang it was great

31. Do you have Zenyatta’s “Rapid Discord” achievement?Yeah, Overtime Gibraltar is pretty fun

32. What was the first achievement you got? how the fuck do u expect me to remember this. The only achievement I clearly remember getting in the beta was junkrat one with the mine into trap thing but I know thats not the first

33. Did you get the “Not A Scratch,” achievement on Junkenstein’s Revenge?I dont think so

34. What has been the hardest achievement to get for you?Reaper solo kills lmfao

35. What’s your current SR score in Competitive Mode?Uuuh something around 2600? Idk I’ve been pretty bad LMAO especially since I get disconnects a lot :/ and also dont grind comp

36. What the highest you’ve been in Competitive?Diamond something like 3150 or so

37. What’s the most amount of placement matches you’ve won?7? Maybe?

38. How many gold guns do you have?Two, Rein and Mei

39. Which was the first gold gun you got?Big Hammer, bc it’s so obvious and I like smacking people with it

40. Whose gold gun do you currently want?I kind of always wanted the gold hook(tm) but now I’m not too sure with the nerfs :/ Maybe Winston LMAO

41. What role do you usually play in Competitive?Tank, or heals especially if its a KOTH map because of all these boops potentials

42. If you don’t play Competitive, why not?I do tho

43. What kind of theme event would you like to see in the future?Horrible beach party where no one has an actual revealing swimsuit save for roadhog

44. What type of character would you like to see in the future?More healers tbh, I’ve seen a lot of people ask for an evil healer and yea that sounds great

45. Who needs more (or better) skins in the future?See the logical answer would be widow or zarya yknow but no i mostly just want more junkrat even skins

46. What country would you like a new character to come from?Give us a french canadian hero

47. Favorite voice line?Junkrat’s multikills voicelines are what fuels me, Come out and play is a fave, and the ouverture singing. And Road and Rein just laughing at multikills too man

48. Favorite player icon?Have fish masterrace

49. Favorite emote?Lucio’s dance, Roadhog’s sit, Junkrat’s sit, Roadhog’s headbanging, Winston’s PB, Ana’s Candy

50. Favorite spray?PUNCH KID MASTERRACE

51.Favorite victory pose?I like when everyone is just squatting

52. Favorite highlight intro?I like all the ones where they shove their guns in your face so you can see how gold it is

53. Characters you ship the most?No I, don’t care............ I only ship Winston and happiness y’know it. I’m ok with some ships but I truly do not actively ship anything nor care about it

54. Characters you ship the least?Junkrat x anything makes me uncomfortable as all hell, I’ve never been so attached to another character not being interested in romance before, it just rubs me the wrong way. a lot

55. Characters you wish had more in-game interactions?Roadhog and anyone, don’t get me wrong, I love how he just doesn’t talk to anyone except junkrat (and mccree once to threaten him) and just talks to himself, but pls lmao. Also more torb and rein pls, their interactions are so fucking good lmao

56. Character you wish had a comic about?Lucio

57. Favorite comic released?Going Legit or the Bastion one

58. Favorite short released?Last Bastion

59. Favorite new character released?Grandma’s pretty tight

60. Overwatch, Blackwatch, or Talon?Uh Talon, I guess? Probs overwatch tho because at least we know what’s their goal beside ‘lmao we’re bad guys’

61. Pro-Omnic or anti-Omnic?I’m pro omnic yall know it

62. Favorite character that isn’t a playable one? (Ex: Emily, Brigitte, Gerard, Efi, etc.)Athena

63. Character change (nerf, boost, work around) that you liked the most?No more Junkrat self damage is fucking hilarious, and the whole Lucio changes are fucking incredibly fun

64. Character change (nerf, boost, work around) you liked the least?Roadhog 8( FeelsBadMan

65. Best ultimate?Rein is easily my fave one. It can be absolutely useless or you can get a team wipe with it if you use it well. It’s so satisfying

66. Worst ultimate?I would’ve said McCree but now it’s actually pretty good. Gotta say Hanzo’s pretty fucking horrid lmao

67. Most kills in game?shit lemme go see... In QP it’s 41 with Hog, in comp it’s 58 with D.Va ( I once got 50 with Lucio?? lmao )

68. Most heals in game?In QP, 16.8K with Lucio and in comp 37K with... also Lucio

69. What character do you think needs a nerf? D.Va’s DM probably...... lmao or a slight rework at least

70. What character do you think needs a buff?I’d really like if the hook cooldown for hog went back to 6 seconds, or listen... I’d love for torb to be actually decent, could you imagine... 

71. Have you ever rage quit in the middle of a game?Nope lmao

72. What’s the fastest you’ve won a game?Like a minute and a half on Volkskaya or something

73. What’s the fastest you’ve lost a game?Probably the same thing

74. Your best Overwatch-related story?I met some of my best friends through it, yes yes im looking at you, rayan :^)

75. Weirdest thing that happened to you on Overwatch?One night I got matched against all of my irl friends it was great and completely random

76. Platform you play on?PC, I own it on ps4 as a joke but it’s awful, I’m awful. lmao

77. Do you stream?If people asks 

78. Do you normally play solo or with friends?Friends usually, I don’t mind playing alone tho

79. Have you made any friends because of Overwatch?So many

80. Have you cosplayed a character from Overwatch?Nope, I’d make a nice mei tho i have the same glasses and i also happen to be evil

81. Have you ever wrote fan fiction about Overwatch?I never wrote fanfiction lmao but my blog... lmao

82. What’s the lowest you’ve been in Competitive?2400? 2300? we don’t talk about the end of season 4

83. In “All Brawls,” if you get “Charge!” do you play Reinhardt or do you pick the Lucio role?I don’t think I’ve ever played that, but I’d play lucio just for the boops

84. In “All Brawls,” if you get “One Shot, One ,” do you play Ana, Hanzo, or Widowmaker?Havent played either, id be fine with anyone tho 

85. In “All Brawls,” if you get “This is Ilios,” do you pick Lucio or Roadhog?i dont play brawls idk.......... lucio bc i can just jump on roadhogs heads and be safe

86. Team Genji or Team Hanzo?Team idc about shimada bros im so sorry

87. Be honest! Do you usually get on the payload?Im top 1% objective time lucio baby

88. Does your team?yeah cuz i dont play with morons lmao, even randoms im usually pretty lucky

89. What’s the longest session of Overwatch you’ve played?I dont think I want to know

90. No Limits, Mystery Heroes, or Total Mayhem?Mystery Heroes, ez

91.Most cosmetics you have for one character?I have most of cosmetics for everyone

92. Least cosmetics you have for one character?Orisa, she’s new

93. Have you ever made your own custom game?Nope

94. Best D.Va skin?Bruiser

95. Best Mercy skin?Witch? I think

96. Best Tracer skin?How about.... none........ jk the latest one was decent

97. Zarya’s Industrial and Cybergoth skins: yes, no, or HELL NO?all day everyday

98. Do you want more animal character, robot characters, or human characters?JET PACK CAT. id be down for... one more animal character, otherwise thatd be too much. another robot eventually, though we just got one. im fine with humans

99. Is there are character you’d get rid of completely?widow tbh, i dont care for her much lorewise, she’s french and also either 1. they’re mostly useless in a match or 2. good and simply unfun to play against

100. What do you think Sombra’s real name is?idk lmao ive never really bothered to think about that

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

I finished!!! game time was like something like 138 hours but I spent a good dozen or so hours pausing the game to check my phone or wandering off to make dinner. 

I this said last night in a sleepy 4am haze, but I really enjoyed the ending. It was fun to play. The only time I died was when I accidentally fell into a chasm bc I didn’t realize a goddamn fiend was gonna come barreling out of the hall and ruin my “melee everything” scheme and I scooted myself right off a dang platform and respawned directly in its mouth. Whoops. When the Archon called up the Architect I was very Oh god not another one but then I didn’t have to actually try to kill it ever just avoid it, so that was fine. I LOVED how everyone came out to help at the end. It always seems unbelievable to me that your pals are content to hang back for the boss fight (ME2 I thought did well with having everyone else away on different tasks, and the ME3 citadel mission where everyone goes together is one of my favorite parts of the trilogy). And getting to run around with Kandros (who i love but duty calls and we can never be together) and Reyes (im still Very Sad i had to break up with him) and the Salarians!! and then your team coming in at the end :333 ah. It was a very feel-good, exciting culmination, and I think it fit the tone of the rest of the story well. Part of me was half-expecting disaster like you have to sacrifice Scott or a bunch of citizens or something, and while I eat that sort of tragedy up, I’m glad there wasn’t any for this game. 

Incidentally, all of my screenshots of Scott somehow turned out like this, and so I’ve decided this is a chronic problem his whole life and he has 0 good photos ever even when the rest of the fam comes out lookin great:

ah, Scott. someday i’ll play as him with this Ryder as his sister and it’s gonna have to be a wild ride.

Romance: I romanced Vetra!! I love her a lot as a character but I just kept wishing for more content. And I know I always crave more romancey content but I did feel like her romance arc had a lot less than what I knew people were getting from Jaal’s, especially because it takes you over halfway into the game before you get anything from it. Four flirt opportunities where she doesn’t really flirt back, my Ryder was dying and convinced her crush would never be reciprocated (hence the brief fling with Reyes). But I did LOVE the scenes you do finally get with her, the climbing date was soooo sweet, and I could not stop laughing when she tries to make you dinner. I’m never telling my beautiful girlfriend she doesn’t know how to cook steak. NEVER. she did it perfectly, i love cow. But I just wish there was a scene where YOU could do something for HER. Lexi even tells you that you should show her she’s appreciated and doesn’t have to take care of everyone all the time to be worthy of being liked but then you... never get a chance in game to really do that. Sigh. I definitely have a lot of inner-headcanoning going on for thier relationship. Though Vetra wants to eventually settle down and have a home and i’m... not so sure that’s in the cards for this Ryder. I may tweak the characterization of my Vetra-romance-ryder in some ways and redo this Ryder with Reyes for real next time. I think next up is gonna be a Jaal playthough though.

But, OVERWHELMINGLY, the relationship I was absolutely most fascinated by the whole game and spent way more time thinking about than romance, was the relationship between Ryder and SAM. I went into endgame thinking that the game really hadn’t gotten into that aspect nearly as much as I wanted, AND THEN!!! SAM GETS DISCONNECTED! And it’s revealed they took over WAY more control of the Pathfinder’s physiology than anyone had even guessed!! it’s not just “SAM can take access of enough systems to stop and then restart your heart” it was “SAM is so intertwined with you that they are integrated into these systems already and their absence makes it almost impossible for the Pathfinder to cope without.” I LOVED IT. I was so ready to address that, like, did Ryder know? Did SAM do it by choice or was it just an effect of Alec’s modifications? 

And then... nothing. You’re linked back up with SAM. No one questions it. You don’t get to talk to Scott about how SAM is different for you than him now. Or at least, not that I’ve found??? to be fair I can’t seem to find Scott post-endgame yet (where is he hiding???? i’ve been all over Meridian after leaving/going back), and I still need to go check out the colonies and see what people there have to say. But it really seems like everyone sort of was like “whew, glad that’s sorted out, SAM’s back and htis could never possibly be an issue again so we will all forget about it and never bring it up again.” There was one colonist before (Fawkes) who was one of the only non-main characters to ask a really detailed question about SAM/what the future of AI is gonna look like in Heleus and I was so psyched for that convo. There’s a couple dialogue responses you can take, I went with:

becuase I really like the idea that Ryder starts to think of themselves as not just Ryder, but a Ryder-And-SAM partnership. There’s a lot of sacrifice in that. You’re admitting that your body is not just You anymore, but a team where both sides are valued.

I’ve spent a lot of the game thinking about Ryder’s internal dialogues with SAM, and the dynamic it would add to their relationship. You don’t have a voice that lives inside your head (and gives you its 100% undivided attention while you’re in the field) and not end up talking to it all the time. SAM asks you questions back on the Tempest when you talk to them and I bet they would when out and about as well, just privately. There’s a line in one of the Vaults where Ryder starts talking to herself and then catches it--

--because she gets more and more accustomed to not being the only one in her head. SAM is always there. More than that, they always have your back, and are ready to feed you whatever you need to get the mission done. They’re not just a voice, they’re a tool; and they’re not just a tool, they’re a support system. Maybe Ryder knows just how intertwined SAM is becoming with theer body, and isn’t just aware, but welcomes it. The Ryders are a fucked up family who aren’t good at talking to each other, but SAM means you never have to be alone again. Someone is always there for you, protecting and watching out for you. 

So in the final mission, when SAM is ripped away from Ryder--it’s not just a physical effect. It’s like losing a part of your soul and a best friend and a, in some ways, a parent--because SAM learned through Alec Ryder before anyone else--and in other ways, a child--because Ryder is responsible for teaching SAM what it means to be a person and how to navigate the world. And I wish you could convey that emotional distress (even if less complex) in the game, and that Ryder was as worried for SAM’s well being as they are for Scott’s when they race to stop the Archon. Becuase in a lot of ways, I think my Ryder would have grown closer to same than she ever did with her brother.

Anyway, I wish the game hadaddressed these things more, but I also accept that like--this is a trope that I just am REALLY into and have been for ages. It’s not gonna be what everyone wants as the main focus, and it just wasn’t the big story they were trying to tell. At the beginning of the game the descriptions of SAM hyped me up so hard because they reminded me very strongly of my favorite short story, Silently And Very Fast by Catherynne Valente (which, if you haven’t read it, it’s really amazing and you can read the first part here (the other 3 parts are linked at the bottom of each chapter), or I can send a pdf of it if you want, it’s really good people read it please and then tell me about your Emotions). The story veered off not long into the plot of the game (I, along with many others, suspected for a while that SAM would turn out to be like the mother’s consciousness integrated into the AI or something) but I stayed pretty invested in it as a major part of my Ryder’s experience in Heleus. 

And like, I guess this would be something I’ll probably end up doing fic about now since the game didn’t give me as much as I wanted (and I only meant to write a short paragraph about it here and now i have like 9 whoops), so I’ll probably keep thinking about it with the rest of my Ryders. There’s so much potential there. Jade Ryder really grew attached to SAM, but there’s also potential for resentment there--SAM is always watching, Ryder essentially gives up any aspect of privacy in their life, even if SAM is polite enough not to comment on it.

wow this got away from me. anyway. that’s the game!!!!! i’m running around making sure i’ve talked to everyone still. I need to go check up on the colonies and stuff, but I did pretty much everything else before the last mission, so there’s not much to play. Just some assignments that don’t have navpoints. and then start thinking about my next Ryder!!! I played Jade Ryder as pretty logical and professional, with a tendency to open up more with people as she grew to know them better, though she struggled to be open/heartfelt when talking to Angara when her natural conversation style with them flopped hard at first. I think my next Ryder who I still need to name is gonna be way more casual/joke-y (tho i think Ryder is HILARIOUS no matter what, it’s so fun to have such a lighthearted protag) and probably more reckless and prone to following their whims. Gonna have to re-battle the CC though which I’m not so much looking forward to. 

oh also re: the second picture: i FUCKING LOVE that you beat the architect on Elaaden so hard it shoots itself into orbit and slowly decays and you can just sit there and watch it slowly fizzle in the cold vacuum of space

[roleplayingsmyfavorite]

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like harry potter rp.

You: Truth be told, James had been anxiously awaiting this day. Well, night, if he was being honest. He'd wanted to do something for the Order of the Phoenix for months now - he and the Marauders and Lily had all graduated in June and yet here he was on his first mission in flipping September. He'd already told Sirius he was frustrated that Dumbledore was making them wait the summer like they were still Hogwarts students. Still, tonight had come, and he and Lily had drawn this shift together. James didn't know if Dumbledore had done it on purpose or not, but he was pleased all the same. Any chance to spend with his girlfriend was welcome. And out here in fresh air, the stars above them? Great place to spend some time. They didn't know what they were guarding - Dumbledore hadn't disclosed /that/ information - but it had to be important. "What do you think it is? Some weapon?" He asked Lily casually as they entered their third hour on watch. He ran the material of his father's invisibility cloak between his fingers. They'd started out under it, but took it off after one hour had passed to enjoy some fresh air and space to stretch.

Stranger: Lily smiled as she looked around. It was a beautiful night, a little on the chilly side. For her, that just meant more reason to cuddle close to James. This night had been anticipated for months, and it was finally here. The redhead couldn't be happier to be with James on a mission. They knew each other so well they would know exactly how to protect each other. Lily was pulled from her thoughts as James spoke. "Hmm? Oh I have no idea," she breathed as she looked up to him. She sighed and moved to push his legs apart so she could sit on the grass between them, her back against his chest. "We should probably try to sleep soon, in shifts," she said as she looked up to him, a smile on her face.

You: He shifted as she pushed him, shoving the cloak into the pocket of his robes. She leaned back against him and he, in turn, leaned back against the tree they were under. James pressed a kiss to her sweet-smelling hair and hummed softly. She wasn't being much fun and speculating with him. He glanced down the slight slope to where the large boulder covered the hole that led to the cave that held... something. "Maybe it's a terrible monster. And any second it'll pop out of the ground and try to devour us whole," he teased. James rolled his eyes slightly at her suggestion. Yes, much more practical but much less fun. "If you're tired, you can sleep. I'll take first shift." He was still too jittery and happy to be here. He was making a difference now, in some small way. Nothing like what Dumbledore and McGonagall and Mad-Eye were all doing, but it was something, at least. Better than sitting in the Gryffindor common room just dreaming of helping the effort. A breeze blew through, rusting the leaves overhead. "Are you cold?" He asked, wrapping his arms around her.

Stranger: She raised an eyebrow at his suggestion and a small smile appeared on her lips. "My boyfriend the dreamer," she said with a shake of her head. "Why would Dumbledore have us guarding a monster?" she asked, wanting to hear his logic behind that thought. "I'm not tired," she said, but clearly that wasn't completely true. Her eyes were drooping a little, and she felt exhausted. She didn't want him to have to stay awake though if he was tired. She was a stubborn girl and she liked when she got her way. She felt the breeze come through and it blew her hair slightly. She shivered and looked up to him. "A little, but i'll manage," she smiled as she felt his arms go around her. She lifted herself up slightly and she gently pressed her lips to his, kissing him sweetly before pulling away. She pocketed her wand and leaned back against his chest. "Okay maybe I am tired," she said softly with a small laugh. She didn't know what it was, but even on a mission like this where there was so much anticipation she was still so relaxed in James' arms.

You: "Well," he started, piecing this plot together in his head. "Well, maybe it's actually a baby monster and Dumbledore's secretly training it - or he's got Hagrid training it - to be on our side. And, of course, we wouldn't want the Death Eaters to get their hands on it." There! That didn't sound too far-fetched, did it? She argued she wasn't tired but one look at her face told James that wasn't true. It was his turn to raise an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" He pulled her closer as she kissed him, leaning into her touch like the drug it was. She pulled away and laughed and James did with her. There was nothing like Lily Evans' laugh. "Well, I'm here. I'll keep you safe. You can take a nap, if you want."

Stranger: She rolled her eyes some at his story. "Mhmm, I'm sure that's what it is," she said in a teasing manner. She smiled up at him and nodded her head. "Try not to get us killed, yeah? And wake me when you get tired. Don't just let me sleep all night because you want to be manly and stay up." she said with slightly narrowed eyes. "Got it, Potter?" she said, teasing him once more. She smirked a little and then turned to lean against him again. She sighed softly and closed her eyes, her hands resting on his across her body. She lightly took his hands and interlocked their fingers, holding them loosely.

You: He pouted slightly. Seemed she didn't like his story. "Well, better than your suggestion," he mumbled, running a hand through his messy, dark hair. He sighed softly. "I won't get us killed and I promise to wake you up. And maybe you'll be less cranky when you wake up, Evans," he teased back, beeping her nose with the tip of his finger. She shifted in his arms and he shifted against the tree, knowing he couldn't get too comfortable or he might slip into sleep like her. She wove their fingers together and a smile he was sure his friends would tease him about could they see it rose on his lips. They sat like that for maybe fifteen whole minutes. James suspected Lily had just started to fall asleep when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. "Lils," he whispered urgently, nudging her awake. "Lily, someone's here." He was squinting into the trees. One someone? Two? More? James wasn't sure he hadn't dreamed it, but still... Constant vigilance. His wand was drawn in an instant and he stood, dropping the cloak over Lily so she would be hidden until she was properly awake.

Stranger: (Hey i'm sorry. It's late here and im falling asleep.I love this idea so if you're interested in continuing [...]

You: ((Maybe we could make a tag on here?))

You: [...]

Stranger: bye!!

You: ((Bye!))

Stranger has disconnected.

[him-e]

Maybe Im just being harsh, but i don't get how people think RO was so much better than TFA. In my opinion RO lacked severely in character development which really caused a disconnect. People give TFA crap for being a rehash of old stuff, but RO has them too, and even more fan service i think. I also found the third act of them actually getting the plans to be so muddled and ridiculous. I don't think TFA doesn't feel like a star wars film just because time has passed and characters have changed

I think at the end of the day it’s a matter of personal taste. RO and TFA are two different ways of rehashing/expanding a known story. TFA is a sequel while RO is more like a “missing moments”. This is already a basic difference—some people naturally prefer the former and others the latter. Especially because in the latter the outcome is fixed, so there isn’t a lot of wiggle room with the characters and their destination in the first place. You must be inclined and willing to watch a story that you already know in advance isn’t going to end well. 

RO lacked severely in character development which really caused a disconnect

Eh, I wonder where this perception comes from, actually. Because what I see is a two hours movie starring an ensemble cast who is just as developed as it gets in a two hours movie with an ensemble cast. Okay, we have characters like Baze Malbus who objectively get little characterization. We could have seen something more of Bodhi—his defection, the moment Galen entrusted him with the mission—and of Galen himself as well. Krennic, as a villain, is weak and doesn’t really work, because the film spends more time on cgi!Tarkin than him (I would add Vader to this complaint, but I won’t, because I’m too busy fangirling over his scenes. Nope, I think Vader was used splendidly). 

RO is a standalone film constricted within the boundaries of a necessarily fixed ending. Narrative-wise, character-wise, the horizon is much wider in TFA. I wonder, is Cassian really lacking character development compared to, I dunno, Poe? Is Finn’s defection actually better written than Bodhi’s? Do Jyn’s actions—her going from refusal of the call to accepting the call—make less sense than Rey’s? And why? 

I think one of the reasons the TFA characters are perceived as “better” developed lies in the potential. Anticipation of their future arcs and developments makes the way they’re written in TFA much juicier, it adds layers that aren’t necessarily there yet, it creates expectations, it encourages daydreaming about possible future scenarios (and ships!). This isn’t possible with RO, unless you leave canon behind and go full au route. Another example: TFA gets the luxury of telling us NOTHING about Rey’s backstory, nothing, just hints and a big ass mystery about who her family is, because it will explained in future films. Jyn’s backstory is laid out because there’s no other option, it’s now or never. Of course it’s not perfect. And of course people prefer Rey’s vague promise of a backstory because they can project whatever they like on it, while Jyn’s is fully established, and apparently not tragic enough to justify her abrasiveness? You might complain that Jyn’s story is cursory, or not satisfying enough, that her relationship with Galen and Saw is barely sketched, and okay, these are valid complaints but at least the backstory is there, instead of being handily postponed to the next episode to create artificial hype. (and while I’m at it, I wonder how much of the audience’s fascination with Rey revolves around her ~lost skywalker~ aura, rather than her actual identity as an orphan who grew up alone in Jakku? Do people really like Rey as a character, or do they like the puzzle and the skywalker mantle?)

Anyway. I agree that the third act of RO, minus the final sacrifice, is a bit muddled and—let’s just say that I would have loved to see less explosions and a more elaborated plan to infiltrate the Scarif base (which I think would also have offered less stiff, more organic ways to show the villains and have the heroes interact with them). But then again, the whole movie is muddled, due to the reshoots (TFA surely has a better flow). Also yes, if you go beyond the surface, you’ll see familiar patterns in RO as well (first act: set up + characters meet + the bad guys do something awful revealing how Evil they are + daring escape; second act: regrouping + meeting the Rebellion/Resistance; third act: hitting the bad guys in their ridiculously small and accessible weak spot, be it the oscillator or the death star’s plans + big battle ensues). However, I think RO simply does a better job at dissimulating these staple points, and that, combined with a less simplistic narrative (more moral complexity, the good guys have also done Bad Things, etc.) gave the audience the impression of a more innovative, less derivative movie. Some of it may be just smokescreen, but it clearly didn’t go unnoticed. 

Re: the fanservice, idk. What feels more fanservice-y, the death star appearing in a movie that’s explicitly about stealing the death star’s plans, or something that looks exactly like the death star, just bigger and called starkiller? Is it that weird to see Darth Vader, Leia, Tarkin and Mon Mothma appear in a movie ending half an hour before ANH kicks off? Is that more of a cop out to win the audience’s approval than having a carbon copy of the Empire rise 30 years later? (not that it matters, because at the end of the day, Star Wars is the infinite fight for freedom against oppression and totalitarianism, and the specifics may wary but must always be instantly recognizable, but I digress)

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Rogue One is necessarily “better”—I like TFA, a lot. The characters that are really going to engage me in the long run are Rey, Kylo and Finn. I like the Rogue One crew, but I also feel like it’s a well that is going to be soon extinguished, as personally I tend to thrive with serialized fiction rather than standalones. Also note that like I said I think TFA was a necessary step to ensure continuity between the old and the new canon; without TFA paving the way, I don’t think Rogue One could have existed. 

But I would also like to see Episode VIII take more risks and wander a bit in uncharted territory. Not that Rogue One is exactly uncharted territory, but it has some things I’m interested in (e.g. more nuances/shades of grey in the Rebellion/Resistance, not-likeable-at-all-costs protagonists, not-skywalker-at-all-costs protagonists, exploration of those who are more or less willingly affiliated with the Empire/First Order, etc). We shouldn’t be having a competition between the two movies, because, despite being part of the same ‘verse and the same new canon, they’re like apples and oranges. Neither film is perfect, and it’s ok to like one better than the other. RO was more of an experiment though, so they logically had more creative freedom than with TFA, which on the other hand had no option but become a worldwide success, so they played safe. I think people expressing their appreciation of Rogue One is a good thing for the franchise, because it’s the first movie that doesn’t belong to a trilogy, and it can pave the way for new stories to explore in this ‘verse. It means the creators will be more comfortable expanding new aspects of the sw universe in the sequel trilogy too, instead of limiting their options to the usual paths.

[kremlin]

here's an oldie (probably 2/5 stars imo)

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i've never worked a night shift before. it's been about three weeks and i am only starting to get in the swing of things being wide awake and ready to wind down with a beer at 7:30 AM on a tuesday is a strange place to suddenly be. living in a suddenly frozen desert swamp sort of adds to that uncanni-ness. it has frozen in texas and my pipes are cracked and broken there is almost no part of this shanty house that isn't elligible to join the AARP. it's one of the last ranch style ramblers left in montrose, all of the others have been replaced by bizzare brutalist white cube apartments which i assume house pod people our ballbusting 900 year old landlady (slum lord) sent out the handyman steve. steve is not a plumber which is a point expressly made to me, by steven, several times we were not forewarned of this & steve's arrival came unexpectedly 8:00 AM thursday morning is now my time to furiously discuss drugs, on drugs, with internet strangers soon to be nebulous internet acquaintances, then friends, then perhaps even those friends from the internet you've known for a decade suddenly from my desk, if the door is open, i catch about a half-degree of the window facing the backdoor. a full degree if i lean back. i lean back as to kind of avoid the bizzare reality that the other players of the space game seem to deal with the same problems i do at an alarming frequency. i lean back There;s a fucking guy back there angry at the fact that i have to now deal with this, i find our friend steve in the back yard, sauntering around, muttering to himself in a way that's between mumbling but below speaking "surely that man has a blue tooth head set" but i was already smiling wide knowing he didn't. if you're going to appear in my backyard unannounced, milling around babbling to yourself is the way to do it steve doesn't really speak english. you'll read that and think he's like any other non english speaker but that is not the case with steve. steve will get out about four or five sentences in perfectly spoken english before switching to (hindi?) for a bit. you'd think that if 80% of his communication was clear, that'd be enough for mutual understanding, but steve is all over the place steve was furiously pacing around the broken pipe when i got to the back door. that is a fact i'm only coming to realize is important now, writing this, because the person standing near a broken pipe with a wrench is a plumber, someone who is allowed in my back yard in this circumstance HEY YO i tried to whistle but made a stupid faring noise with my mouth he swings around at the perfect moment to make my sudden departure all the more awkward as i realized how waistbanding a pistol in sweat pants was extremely not working. remember where we are by the time im out of my room steve has his head poked through the back door YOU COULD NOT WITH YOUR FINGER POINT A WORSE PLACE FOR PIPE BREAK and boy howdy he was right. if you're going to break a pipe, don't make it the one between your meter and a valve, and especially don't make it one on the ground next to the garage you keep all your weirdo electronics and "vintage computers" you "collect" i sort of like plumbing. i've done some plumbing. there's an illegal stipulation in our lease that lets the landlord, you know, just not maintain the place. with my engineering background i am of course compelled to think i am somehow qualified to solve these problems. i'd like to use the expression "dive into with full force" to describe my approach but combine that with the imagery of a blind person gracefully swan diving into an empty concrete swimming pool but this is not about me, i am not particularly interesting. -- steve. steve is sort of interesting. his murmuring grew to a breathless combination of words which i thankfully mostly understood (individually, not collectively). steve was upset with the pipe situation to be described later in this document's best paragraph. he was upset at the last person to work on the pipes here because they fucked up. he was amused by how preposterously

inconvenient the broken pipe lay. this amusement was not anger what followed next was clearly anger. perplexed, astounded anger ice on the ground is something you see once every 4 years in (excellent) swamp i live in. it's a pretty reasonable assumption that a broken pipe after a freeze/melt cycle is due to the freeze/melt cycle this was not the case the pipe had ruptured due to a sequence of truly insane and utterly nonsensical choices made by the previous plumber who almost certainly kicked the bucket in the reagan years as suggested by the lead solder used to seal joints and lead paint used to, well, just hold on the pipe burst because a large metal rod was inserted *through* it. the details on exactly what went down are a little fuzzy as my simian mind was preoccupied with thoughts about some weird software that started as a fluid dynamics simulator and is now a physics simulator and an insane person simulator. i would digress and expound on this but my thoughts aren't yet settled on the space game the rod went through the pipe and into the ground, on the other end were rusty wires. it is a grounding rod, you know, for electricity. i unfortunately know a litle bit about this. you can ground a circuit through a cold water tap, like when you're lining the fence with copper wire to create a makeshift shortwave antenna with your weird kind of racist dad. water is conductive. more commonly the rod goes into the ground, which is also usually conductive so, this grounding rod, sitting between a 3 foot gap between the back of the garage and fence, an overgrown mess of decades of detritus and weeds that had grown into vines that had grown into weird anemic trees. this grounding rod was painted. it didn't come painted. it was painted. it was painted the same color as the garage. paint is not conductive. the circuitry in my house was not grounded. thankfully there is no ground pin on the outlets in this ancient home besides the one i strangely installed one day. the amp plugged into it now gives a hum where it didn't before. the ground was subsequently disconnected to eliminate the ground loop as we are in our early 20s and cannot die, especially not in an electrical fire it's sort of nice to know that even back in the 1940s people screwed up as royally and maximally as possible, employing such a degree of backwards demented logic as you'd expect from a home owner's association bylaws handbook or normal computer software anyways, steve, ohoho. oh boy. steve did not fuck with this at all. steve, the man who is self purportedly not a plumber, immediately took to the valve between the city's water main and our house with the wrong implement. an implement used to unwrench joints around a u-bend underneath a sink. it worked perfectly `I just use this for many valve. It works mostly. No need for heavy T` (steve's parlance doesn't transcribe to text very well) steve continued, `Too many tools is too bad. I use this one for tiling and for drywall and for ducks` (ducts?) he spoke while gesturing listlessly at nothing in particular. it became clear that steve's limited, nebulous tool set was carefully chosen. when you are the un-fuck-it man for an ice queen landlord you sort of have to be a plumber and an electrician and a roofer and sometimes a debt collector. the arcane set of tools used to approximate all of these trades made a bit more sense the lack of a monkey wrench did not make sense. none of steve's esoteric implements could wrench like we needed them too. i offered to purchase one from the nearby hardware store which was a great excuse for me to go to the nearby hardware store and purchase a monkey wrench, *my* monkey wrench. steve objected but i was deadset. i was buying a wrench today. the newly purchased wrench calmed two agitated souls: one was drowning in thoughts about drugs and space and coincidence. the other was angry he couldn't wrench down a pipe joint a few hours passed. several trips were made to the hardware store by my roommates and the new tennant in the garage apartment, less than $20 was

spent. i sort of farted around not helping while getting jawed at by steve who had permenently changed the subject to grand life philosophies. i'm about the last person that'll tolerate some windbag wasting my time, but between the fun of trying to decipher what the fuck steve was saying and what language (or nonsense utterances) he'd conclude thoughts with, i realized that his sensical words actually, uhh, rang true steve believes in doing a good job. read that last sentence without the disinterested, vaguely-trying-to-be-funny style this document has maintained so far this hit me on a deeper level than i was expecting i'm young and do not really understand the world very well. i'm not so young that i'm blind to the depths of what there is to understand about this world, i'm allegedly content with the resignation that for the time being i'm sort of a dumbass and will continue to be a dumbass in the future, although less so hopefully i'm going to tell you that i believe in "doing a good job", "doing things properly", "taking your time to properly solve a problem", or "solving a problem for the sake of solving a problem and nothing else". i am going to tell you that these are some of strongest and earnestly compulsions i feel. i'm not lying when i write this but i wasn't lying when admitted to how little i understand anything at all, so maybe weigh those two facts against each other nearing 200 lines, i realize i have spent the hours meant for sleeping writing a truly innappropriately verbose wall of text all because of how stoked i was that an angry muttering tom bombadil character spent an extra 45 minutes to fix a pipe properly the new pipe was measured and cut, threaded. steve's measuring tape is interspliced with further, smaller graduations he hand-scratched into a long measuring tape. the previous graduations on the tape presented steve with an unsuitably low resolution of 1/8th of an inch i'd guess this was a 12 foot measuring tape. i never saw the end of the graduations, i don't doubt for a second they extend the entire length of the tape. do you know how many notches you'd have to painstakingly scratch on to a 12 ft measuring tape to change it from 1/8" -> 1/16". well, don't: 1152 steve might be a little nuts but holy shit a master plumber could not have done a better job. the dude fuckin laid on his back, in the small pond of pipeleak water, so as to see up a length of fixed pipe so he could better lay teflon tape on the *inside threaded surface of the pipe joint*. i challenge you to try and imagine what such a manuever would be like, considering the damp slimy pipe surface, the fucking hell that is teflon tape (fuck teflon tape) all while laying in a pool of possum water at the impossibly cold temperature of 45 F my pipes don't leak anymore. there is no longer a bizzaro steel rod puncturing the most critical pipe on this property. i own a monkey wrench when i did not this morning. i am thinking less anxiously about the space game, still. me and steve sat around smoking cigarettes and communicating with each other through a method i can't describe but wasn't reliant on words. we talked about the virtues of work ethic and then we talked about those that have broken our hearts. the conversation, as well as this text, ended with a solemn mutual acknowlegement of how terrifying electricity is and how terrified of electricity we are

[fairycosmos]

--TW EATING D. --idk why but i keep convincing myself i dont have and ED?? like i fast for hours and then binge like crazy. there was one time i did a ''water fast'' for 6 days. i didnt eat for 6 days. no one in my family said anything but like that is fucking alarming??? no one fucking does that. i also cant recognize my body sometimes. mirrors makes me suicidal. im sorry idk what this is. i just feel totally insane. btw PLS DONT ANWSER THIS IF IT MAKES U FEEL BAD or triggered ILYSM

:(( fuck i’m sorry babe, that sounds so painful and stressful holy shit??? i can’t imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, god. i’m honestly proud of you for dealing with it all so far. it counts for a lot that you’re still trying and that you’re still here. to me it seems like even though you go through phases of convincing yourself you don’t have an ED, you still have a caliber of self awareness and on some level, you want to be helped. that’s a genuinely good thing. hang on to that as much as you possibly can. i mean, you’re sending this ask, right? even that’s a good start. and you know it’s fucked up/dangerous not to eat for six days, you know mirrors shouldn’t make you suicidal, you know this isn’t healthy or right. you have to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend if they were going through what you’re going through. force yourself to take on that perspective, so you don’t get trapped in the ED’s lies. even if your mind tries to convince you otherwise, try your hardest to stay grounded in the facts of reality: you’re in a very unhealthy place right now, you’re doing serious damage to your body and you can’t trust your brain when it tells you not to eat, or that you’re gross, or whatever kind of bullshit it spews at you. it is actively trying to sabotage you. it wants you to feel depressed and alone because that makes you easier to control. you don’t have to fully buy into it. you are stronger than you will ever fully realize. i’m not saying you have to suddenly start eating normally again, obviously. i’m not saying you have to have everything figured out - it’s ok not to know what to do. i get that ED’s and logic don’t go together very well. but it’s about making small, positive changes, right? eating half a snack. disconnecting your worth from your body in your head. and above all, reaching out. making the active choice to put a stop to this before it’s too late. it’s in your control, not the eating disorder’s, but yours. 

and listen i’m really fuckin pissed off and kind of appalled that your family didn’t notice that you didn’t eat for so long. that’s insane. and you deserve so, so much more than that. your ED will probably use it as an excuse - if no one noticed, you can continue, right? if no one cares, why should you, right? but that’s just another form of toxic thinking that is going to kill you in the end. i don’t know why your family is so oblivious to your struggles, but it’s not a reflection of you or because of anything you did. it’s not your fault. and it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to deny yourself the help that that you very clearly need. are you still in school? if you are, i think it’d be a really good idea to talk to a teacher or the counselor about what’s going on. if that’s not an option, maybe call a hotline or look into mental health resources in your community, such as support groups. (there has to be something, there will be, if you seek it out.) or go to your regular doctor and let them know that you need help, even if you have to tell someone in your family first in order to do that. fucking scream it at them if you have to. you don’t have to be quiet about this anymore, you don’t have to accept what you’re doing to yourself. i know you don’t want to talk. i know every part of you is rejecting this idea. but i’m trying to be straight up, and i’m trying to stop you from doing any more serious harm to yourself. it’s over. you don’t want to live like this anymore, and you don’t have to. but the way to achieve that is by seeking the professional guidance that you need. going to long term counseling/therapy, learning simple coping mechanisms and thinking patterns, developing a care plan to make sure you’re getting the nutrients you need even when it feels like the most impossible thing in the universe. all of those things will let you breathe again. no matter how scary they are at first. the bottom line is this: you don’t deserve to live a life that is controlled by food and anxiety and self consciousness. there is so much more to you, and to the world, than that. i promise, you don’t have to hurt yourself physically to show that you’re hurting emotionally. you can communicate instead, and it will be okay. you’re not alone, i swear. so many people have been where you are at the moment, so many people have felt what you’re feeling. you don’t have to act like your only otpion is fighting this by yourself, alright? your family isn’t your only option. seriously. this isn’t a sustainable way of life, man. it’s going to end one way or another - you might as well make the right choice and put your mental health first for once. please, please consider it for now. even just calling a hotline anonymously will give you some sort of idea of what to do to help yourself in the future. you’re not going to regret opening up to people, especially professionals, but you WILL regret hurting yourself to such an extreme extent if you don’t at least try to stop. it’s alright for it to take a lot of time and energy. it’s supposed to a be a process. and you’re allowed to feel however you want to about it - angry, scared, sad, exhausted. register all of, let it wash over you. and do your best to cope in a healthy way. as long as you don’t let these temporary thoughts/emotions control whether or not you talk to someone. you know logically what you need to do. please attempt to do it when you’re ready. i’m rooting for you so much. i know you’re capable. i believe in you and your ability to get through this with all of my heart and soul :( i hope you’re okay. sending my love. if you want to talk more about it, or if you need a friend, please message me anytime. i’m always here.

https://www.verywellmind.com/things-to-stop-if-you-have-an-eating-disorder-1138275

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-treatment-and-recovery.htm

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips/overcome-negative-thinking

[cydie]

i need to get over this thing

i have this issue where if i really like someone and theyre really important to me, like a best friend or a boyfriend, and we’ve established that closeness and that stage, i dont want to be left out of anything in their life because i’m scared they’ll find something better and like the other person better and ditch me

and so i get really jealous? (more like scared or expecting rejection?) when i see them be close with other people, for example, the last two guys ive managed to date, including the one now, have all been the type to drop everyone else and make me the center of their world and so i havent had to worry about any outside friends or people

and right now, james is that kind of person and hes fine to only have me in his life (or as he constantly tells me) but sometimes he complains about having no friends and i wonder which part is the truer. and i don’t want him to resent me for him having no friends because i don’t stop him from making friends, and every now and then i try to encourage it, like introducing him to people when he volunteers at nova (which is the only place i can really introduce him in right now) but sometimes theres a pang in my chest when i think about him making deeper connections with other people and im left out and he has all these inside jokes with other people when we barely/don’t even have any (i just asked him if he could think of any and he said he didn’t know 3 times in a row and i went “you gotta think about it” and he went “i am thinking about it and i don’t know” and i can’t think of any no matter how hard i think)

and then theres hayden, and during the cosplay times he was literally my best friend, we could talk nonstop for hours our personalities faded and clashed together like blue mixing with yellow we never stopped being good for each other and we never drifted. i often judge how close friendships are by how long we can hold a phone conversation and hayden surpassed this every single time. our phone conversations ranged from an hour to three, and sometimes i skipped sleep just to talk to him. we had countless inside jokes ranging from hot sauce five to licking distance to penguin biscuits to “guy”. it was crazy and ridiculous and we made so many plans together like go to italy or france or japan and travel the world. as a person that never told anyone anything and i feel sometimes he feels ashamed of himself but also he has quite a healthy mindset of himself, but his emotional side is so closed off to everyone, and i had the opportunity and chance to experience it when he trusted me with a secret he finally came to terms with (also told his girlfriend but he wanted to tell me first because he said he felt more comfortable around me which made me feel super special and warm in my heart). right now though, we’re a little disconnected. he’s made some real good uni friends who went on exchange with him and take class with him in jap and they’re all in japan right now having a hell of a time. i kind of miss him as a best friend and talking to him all the time and about life and about his life

but also this disconnection has made me latch onto mat a lot more and mat is someone ive never been dissatisfied with whether it be our friendship or any conversation. i can’t think of a single argument we’ve ever had, but im sure we’ve probably had one maybe??? i know ive had some arguments with hayden but they’ve all been very practical and logical and were solved quickly with fast apologies and faster understandings. mat is a tiny bit of a pushover though so he’s perfect for someone like me that can drag him to everything i want. problem is, i don’t really know how much i mean to him. sometimes he says things to me and it tells me im important but i always wonder, am i the most important to him? am i his best friend? he is mine and i wanna be the most important bc i love him and value him so much as a person. he really takes care of me sometimes and hes very much like a big brother. im 99% sure if he ever got a girlfriend im gonna be psyched (cautious at first) but psyched mainly because i have the upperhand in this relationship because i know him better but also because now i get to help her get to know him and i get to make sure she better heck ass take care of him properly. mat has a lot of friends, and a lot of people like him. hes very likeable, just like hayden but mat is a little more ??? dull???? he’s more harmless in a sense, people feel safer around him, the way he talks, the way he smiles, the things he says, it always made me feel better. he gets me like hayden never really did, although sometimes i felt like hayden got me in parts that mat never will. im not as scared about mat as i am about james, and i think thats because of the difference in relationship. james has more of an involvment in my life and a bigger opportunity to hurt me.

the hypocritical part is i love having a massive social network, i have friends from every part of my life and i love making those friends, because i think i need that validation constantly that people like me, and i just like so much to be friendly and social and have lots of people that i know and like to see

and i understand how different relationships can help the one person while that one person still holds their own person in their own personal pedestal but maybe im scared that they wont and they’ll realise something else is better or maybe im scared that somebody else is going to see that someone else is better for them than i am for them

i need to understand or come to terms with this but i don’t know how maybe i just need more time with them for me to get comfortable with them and know they won’t ditch me but right now james isn’t someone i trust with that yet mat though, i don’t think he will