#i think my scoliosis came from me being an artist

[starii-eyed]

lol i keep forgetting to to post. anyways chappell roan wip. wife. i love her. im gonna kill myself thus is gna take so fucking long to render why did i start dthis i have a million other wips to work on.......

hehe. mwah. smooches u.

[justslowdown]

Shameless cringe incoming :^)

Pictured: last month, briefly sitting down during first time listening to Sufjan Stevens' Age of Adz as a fully embodied experience the way it's meant to. When I suddenly Got It

I've been a fan for more than a decade, intensely so for 2 years, and just didn't enjoy it before.

Facilitated by LSD--the two go together better than mushrooms, which his acoustic stuff is better for

I don't think I've felt this sheer bliss from music. It's fitting it was the most harsh, intense, offputting-to-Carrie-and-Lowell fans songs that got me there. Like, Futile Devices is lovely but there's so much more there

Reconnection to my spinal cord and nervous system. This album does something if you access it in the right frame of mind. Ever since, I feel certain parts of songs in my body when they come on. Aware of my nerves and electrical fields, feeling simple joy in the flutes up and down my spine. It's an album that helped me come alive.

I'm being literal--while "dancing" to it (moving) I found a spot in my sad lil scoliosis spine I realized I could just POP and ever since, it's felt better.

It's an odd bit of timing that while this was happening in my life, Sufjan has been in the hospital getting spinal taps and learning to walk again.

Age of Adz came during a period in his life he's talked about coming down with an autoimmune and nervous system issue. I am curious about how that tied into the intensity and embodied, non-narrative aspects. It certainly isn't an album to be still with.

Man, I'm not a gatekeeper and love that people love his music, but it really makes me sad for him as an artist that his work is often reduced to "sad acoustic Christian boy who likes boys" because there is so, so much more going on. Man's first album was out in '99 and he's switched genres and songwriting styles constantly.

[rhineposting]

hey what are your thoughs about hmm scolippi JJBA that guy from part five. oh and diavolo bento aureo. uh huh wait since you asked for asks about women and wifes wow what if scolippi part 5 and diavolo golden wind were women and they-

GIRL COME ON

I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE AND YOU'RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE!!

Okay no but seriously.

Scolippi. Scolippi. Scoliosis, even.

He's such a beautiful yet tragic character, and he ties into JJBA's themes of fate and fighting against it so wonderfully. Even on his own, he's great.

He's a simple man, living in an unfair world full of power craving lunatics and egoists that were granted unimaginable power, while he is stuck with a curse that forces him into the position of being many people's guide to the afterlife ever since he was a child.

Yet, despite being put at a disadvantage from the start, he still does his best to be kind and to not harm others around him, using his ability solely for helping vulnerable people find peace - and to grant them the opportunity to defy Fate through choosing to go on their own terms.

Even after being beaten up, shot twice and held at gunpoint, he still offered his kindness to the two people that were actively antagonizing him at that moment. Even while he lied on the ground bleeding, he still prayed for their well-being and for their misery to not be pointless.

He's all things considered, a Saint.

I also like how his arc is a direct tie to the main antagonist of part 6 - Pucci.

They both had girls who were important to them, who both took their life due to circumstances they had little to no control over and they both seek peace above all else. Peace with what is to come.

While Pucci forces that peace, coupled with the burden of knowledge upon everyone in the whole universe, Scolippi simply offers a choice over their own life against cruel circumstances.

Pucci is also a priest, while Scolippi has elements alluding to Jesus all over him - which makes me think of the difference between institutionalised religion and the actual fundaments of said faith removed from a power hierarchy and alike of the Church.

Wherever Scolippi was after Part 5, I hope life turned out well for him.

Unless we go with the assumption that he was related to...

A certain other, purple haired and green eyed man with a Stand whose ability just so happens to directly mirror his own.

In that case, Scolippi just took L after L, it seems.

As for the OTHER GUY

I FUCKING HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH HE RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!

GETTING INVESTED IN HIM AS A CHARACTER COMPLETELY CHANGED ME AS A PERSON AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNDO THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME PASSES!!!!!

I HATE THAT THROUGH THIS PINK RACCOON LOOKING THING I MET YOU - THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, AS WELL AS OUR OTHER FRIENDS WHO I CHERISH JUST AS MUCH TOO!!

I HATE THAT I OWE SO MUCH OF THE CURRENT HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE TO THIS FICTIONAL MAN WHO CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO PUT ON A REAL SHIRT FOR HIS DEBUT!!!

I HATE THAT MEETING HIM FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGED ME AS AN ARTIST AND CREATOR AND THAT I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RETURN TO BLISSFUL IGNORANCE THAT COMES WITH MEDIA ILLITERACY!!!! I WILL FOREVER BE CRITICAL OF ANYTHING I CONSUME BECAUSE OF HIM!!!

AND IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT TOO!!!! I WASN'T EVEN THAT INVESTED IN HIM UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG AND PUT A BUNCH OF PINK , GREEN DOTTED WORMS IN MY BRAIN!!!! I HATE YOU TOO!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!

but omg what if he and scolippi were in fact women.

Hm.

idk I don't think we'd get some huge AU out of it with them as the main cast

where the two of them are in love and silly and married

and where they have a cute bunny baby

yeah no that definitely wouldn't happen. never.

why do you ask.

[ecclais-fouoras]

SOFTER ON THE INSIDE

Ch1

Warning ⚠️ mention of self harm and scoliosis (a bit of blood)

Wilhelmina venable was a women everyone feared. She held the outpost with her strict rules and her iron fist.

Everybody was sitting at the dinner table eating their cubes.

Everyone feared her except for you, venable was interesting and honestly very attractive.

Gallant started complaining about the food as always followed by coco and you could again feel venable get annoyed at this.

"Come on you can't keep serving us this shit !"

"He's right ! I'm starving and you give us that crap !"

"Stop it coco She's not our enemy for God sakes ! Eat your cube damn ! Your alive !!! You are actually ALIVE when the rest of the world is rather dead or dying. So stop being the ungrateful spoiled bitch you always were and try to at least learn something new for once like how to be a better human being !"

She stood up from her chair and tapped her cane on the ground before she could protest you mumbled "sorry miss venable"

As you sat back on your chair.

"Miss vanderbilt, mrs gallant sit down and eat those damn cubes before I think about punishing you both"

They got back on their seats and ate in silence.

After dinner you went to the Library for a bit before going to bed.

You were drawing on some handmade paper with charcoal and you heard ths soft thud of Venable's cane on the floor.

You immediately pulled down the burned material and cleaned up your hands on your dress.

Your long purple dress was now a bit dirty and you couldn't help but feel like a dear cought in headlights.

"What are you doing in here miss y/l/n

And why are your clothes dirty"

"I'm sorry miss venable i was just drawing in hear and since I don't have any material i had to be a little creative but it turned out to be quite messy"

You said softly.

"Well i suppose you are allowed to draw but you will clean up after your mess"

"Yes of course i will, is there any particular reason why you came here?"

"Can't i just enjoy a little reading in the library"

"Oh..of course i just...well of course you can"

"That's awfully nice of you miss"

She said in a sarcastic tone.

She sat down on the couch and you went back to drawing. She noticed a jar field with red liquid that you seemed to be using as paint with a brush made out of hair and wood. She really admired your inventivity, and how you came up with solution to everything.

"What is that ?" She asked pointing the pot and you got really nervous suddenly.

"...what do you mean?"

"What is the red liquid and where does it comes from ?" She asked in a strict tone

"...it's... blood"

"WHAT !" She was shocked and kind of disappointed you had always been her favorite and now this !

"Wait I CAN EXPLAIN !" You said your voice filled with urgency.

"Of course you will, i expect yo..."

"It's mine !" Before she could finish her sentence you cut her off.

"I'm sorry what ?"

"It's mine, the blood in the cup. I didn't have any paint, and i couldn't get anything to make pigment powder. Since I only have black and grey i figured that red would be more interesting and put some egg yolk and blood in a jar." She was confused.

"Is this your period blood?"

"No it's blood, blood"

"Where did you get it then"

"...well...i just had to make a small incision on my ankle"

"....and why on your ankle miss y/L/n ?"

"Well it's the place that bleeds the most with the littlest pain, and it's also easier to clean and hide..."

"And How Would you know that"

There was a longer pause between you two.

"I expect an answer y/n"

"... I...I just do"

"Try harder, I am not buying it "

"I...I used to self harm...I just...now i know how it bleeds and how much does it hurts"

"..i had no idea I'm sorry"

"It's fine I'm okay now, it took me the apocalypse but i figured if the world is ending with us i should try to stay clean"

"Can I see your drawing ?"

"Yes sure bit i thought you were trying to read ?"

"Yes i wanted to but the couch is uncomfortable"

"Yes that's why I sit here it's better...here have a seat"

You said as you patted the place next to you.

"Here ?"

"Yes, well of you want to of course."

"I do"

There was something in the air between you two and you could feel it.

"When did you start this ? It looks really good, were you an artist before ?"

"Yesterday, and well not as a job but I did practice a lot"

"Anyways you have a lot of talent."

"Thank you, do you want to draw too? I can give you one of the paper sheets i made"

"No thank you"

"Okay"

You two sat there for a few hours until it was time to go back to your rooms, you offered to take her and she kindly accepted. As you were before the door she read a message that was on the door

"I can't help you tonight i had to go and clean something "

"Shit" she cursed behind her breath

"What was that ?" You asked softly "is everything okay ?"

"Yes" she replied coldly, it was odd especially since she had been sweet to you the whole time.

"I can tell there is something wrong, can I help ? You do so much for us, i just want to give you a hand in return"

She didn't say anything as she was considering letting you in, after all you had been nice all along, she could try and trust you. Could she ?

"You can trust me you know. Whatever it is i won't tell them"

She opened her door slightly and pulled you in. Suddenly her stance had changed, she was more tired, more vulnerable, and cute? Yes definitely she looked so sweet.

"..well..this is embarrassing, i"

"Don't be embarrassed around me miss venable, everyone needs a little help every once in awhile, it's also nice to see you like this"

"What do you mean like this ?"

"Well I mean without anyone else to bother us, and you know...like you're normal self"

"I'm not normal y/l/n"

"Please call me y/n, and You are... I mean normal as in being yourself... without trying to scare everyone"

She giggled softly and a smile crept up your face.

"See just like this"

You both stared at each other before you could ask her what she needed help with.

"So you need me for something ?"

".. yes..you see usually miss mead helps me change since I can't pull the zipper of my dresses in my... condition"

"Sure okay...so just turn around and I'll unzip you" you began to make her spin but she stopped you

"Wait..you need to know...i have scoliosis...it looks disgusting.."

"Do you want me to close my eyes if it'd make you more comfortable ? The last thing I want is to hurt you by trying to help. But know that I won't judge you, especially if it's about a physical appearance you can't help with. You know our bodies is what keeps us alive, i spent all my life trying to destroy mine in everyway possible because the feeling of being inside of it was to unbearable. But it turns out my body is what makes me feel, smile, laugh, smell and love. I would not be there if she wasn't. So i had to learn to be kinder to myself"

Her eyes were watery as she took your words in. It was so out of character for her, she always seemed to have everything together but in reality she was a big softy struggling with self image.

"Oh no please don't cry, i don't want to see you be sad." You said as you held her cheek, it was a bold move but she didn't seem to be mad about it.

You decided to stay in front of her to unzip her, and reach behind her to find the hell of her dress.

She flinched lighltly as you dragged it down her spine, and she didn't have time to catch her dress as it fell at her feet. She wore this purple lingerie gown underneath and you couldn't help but stare at her body.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. Leave now please"

"Don't be sorry it's fine, here" you picked her dress up and covered her with it.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Wilhelmina, you are breathtakingly beautiful"

You left as you pecked her cheek and smiled at her while she looked at you stunned and blushing.

God what were you doing to her ?

[lady-plantagenet]

♦ for all three sons of York! 😄

Asked via the Headcanon Meme: https://lady-plantagenet.tumblr.com/post/634584063141920769/headcanon-meme.

Darling I apologise for the delay 😭😂, hope you enjoy this semi-historical train of thought. You indulge me xx ☺️☺️ (rest of you get ready for a similar level of uncalled for ridiculous levels of detail)

♦ - Quirks/Hobbies Headcanons

~Edward IV~

Ok, one more grounded in reality and some more Headcanonish:

So, in Lord Edward Lytton-Bulwer’s ‘Last of the Barons’ I uncovered a fascinating (and primary-sourced) fact about our Edward: He engaged in international trades of his own. Apparently, he had his own ships and vessels that would jettison wool to and fro Burgundy. The trading classes, with whom Edward was always on great terms, were initially thrilled and felt a bit of sense of connection because of this. However, it became a bit of a bother when his self-given exemption from custom and duties gave him an unfair competitive advantage. Since reading that, I’ve always seen Edward as someone whose hobbies revolve around these types of matters rather than military ones. I really headcanon trading as a genuine hobby of his. With that, I would also connect other practical as opposed to artistic or conventional pastimes. I always saw Elizabeth Woodville as the big account manager (based on how she ran her crown property), so I headcanon Edward as liking to meddle in the external more merchantile matters, which translates to enjoying himself by making wagers/bets with those around him and always winning whether it be on personal matters or businesses (sometimes even in appropriately on women of the court). Not to mention a talent at games like cards and dice. If he lived today he would be the grand master of monopoly 😂. He wasn’t the most intellectual of men (he was at one point planning on defunding Eton College to get funds), but I always headcanoned he was pretty strong at maths (which was part of a nobleman’s education, but at that time it was mastery of the arts that granted you the reputation of a smartman). Of course, this fits in with his historical interest in alchemy, which I headcanon he was also partly interested in because of the potential of it yielding gold, but upon his marriage, the mystical side beckoned him too.

~ George Duke of Clarence~

I’ve done one for him here, which you can check out. But hell, do I have a lot of headcanons about him so I’ll do another here.

Our George was by all accounts a talented demagogue. His performance in the inheritance dispute indeed adds stock to what chronicles such as Rous Rolls and Crowland have said about his oratory and reasoning talents (which allegedly were rival to Edward’s own). Though some personality quirks could make him appear like a bit of a (popular Headcanon nowadays) himbo: penchant for airing out his grievances, flamboyancy and a great pride which combined with a famous sense of humour leads to instances where it verges into innappropriate levels of macabre (his own death being the prime example).

N.b: and yes I do in fact believe he was drowned in a barrel of wine and by his choosing. I don’t need Shakespeare to tell me this, I need only look at the strong evidence proposing this: a) Margaret Pole’s barrel charm, b) The fact that his head was reported as attached to his body when his body was exhumed centuries later. Drowning in a bath is another possibility, but then again, it was famously a womanly execution and I doubt a man as self-important as George would have been alright with the association, c) The fact that contemporaries such as Mancini (among others) have stated that this is the manner in which he died. Shakespeare’s play just further reflects that at that time (as in closer to 1478 then we are now) this was the consensus. Not to mention that in Richard III he wasnt technically drowned but stabbed and then thrown in a barrel. Arguments against center around ‘this seems just a bit too crazy’ but stop there.

So where was I? Oh yes. So in spite of that, I headcanon teenage George as very resentful of those who thought him bumbling, giddy and unserious (young Richard especially), because well, he was very touchy about his pride and saw himself as a prince worthy of deference and gravity (multitude of evidence for this). His charming nature never left him even as he grew bitter but instead he learned to harness it into a mask in order to induce others into error and subestimation. Indeed, much of his earlier successes hinged on the fact that Edward didn’t expect that level of planning (and betrayal) from him. Nevertheless, he never hid his talents completely, he had a very astute legal mind and I headcanon him as having a hobby for the law since he was a young boy and realised how useful this knowledge would prove in time and loved it on an intellectual level as he engaged with debates on matters from trusts laws to constitutional canonical and jurisprudential matters, first with his tutors, then his brothers, then Warwick and then his chief supporters and friends at Warwick and Tutbury when he became a magnate post-1472. Of course, I feel like this fits in with the impression of an argumentative and opinionated man as exuded from the historical figure. I also headcanon him as being delighted to have had Caxton’s Games and Playes of Chess (1474) dedicated to him (becoming one of his patron around this time historically). It remains the second book printed in English (first being Anthony’s dictes and sayings of philosophers - I think) and I headcanon him as doing the head in of all those around him with discussions and debates around the book’s message XD.

~Richard III~

Richard gets a reputation in fiction (where other people get most of their headcanons from) as being extremely serious. I personally share this Headcanon and I feel it was the most striking difference between him and his brothers’ personalities. I think he had very little ‘quirks’ as it were. Though there was this author (haven’t read the book) Jonathan Hughes who somehow manages to write an entire book about Richard’s interesting divination. He draws onto some vaguely paganistic symbols among Richard III’s choice of clothing and such, and posits that he had some interest in pre-conquest Northern religious culture. Anne Neville who by all accounts seemed to have had some interest in mysticism (read and discussed Ghostly Grace by a German mystic with her mother-in-law at length) I headcanon bonded with Richard over conversing on these types of topics. Therefore, I headcanon him as having a (very very lowkey because, as I said, he took great care in presenting himself as conventional and unsuspicious) hobby for northern paganisms, myths, prophecies and the like. I think it would explain what appears to be the historical figures ‘apparent hypocritical personality: Only banning benevolences after first trying to acquire them, having Shore pay penance when he himself had fathered bastards (John probably during his first year of marriage if Kendall’s reasoning is right) and aspiring and holding others to strict chivalric values of which he often fell short. The signs of stress found in isotopic analysis on his bones however makes me think that he was aware of these contradictions. Of course, he could have been stressed around the time of his death for other obvious reasons, but I’m not getting into that here. I suppose my headcanon of him as very utilitarian (yes I know Bentham came centuries later but, you know, he didn’t exactly invent this manner of thought) in his beliefs classifies as a quirk? Haha. As for hobbies, I think his scoliosis made him eschew some of the more physically demanding types of sports, so I see him as fairly bookish and like his brother George, extremely interested in the law as a hobby (though nowadays we wrongly see it as a rather vocational discipline). Though he shared the interest in matters of jurisprudence with George (about which they both strongly disagreed Richard taking the less fiscally conservative stance), he was more interested in criminal law matters (which checks out as he had made reforms on the criminal law and bail). I think he was genuinely concerned with justice, just a bit self-contradictory in his approach and diverse in his spirituality (the last more headcanonish)

[thestuckylibrary]

Group Ask 159

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Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

Anon 1 said:

Hi, I'm looking for a fic where Bucky is a familiar and Steve is a witch. Bucky had been captured by a wizard that kept him as a source of magic. He escapes as a cat and runs into Steve, who takes him in under the impression that that he's a stray. Eventually he turns back into a human and, long story short, they fuck and live happily ever after. Thank you for your help!

Anon 2 said:

Hey! So, I've been looking for this fic for almost a year now, and I've had no luck in finding it. Here's what I remember: Natasha and Tony watch either live video or audio feed of Stucky having sex, and they both get turned on. Natasha leaves before Tony does, and at the end of the fic, Steve says something along the lines of "I know you're there, Tony". I wish I could I could remember more details, but it's been a while... I really, really hope you can find it. Thanks for the help!

shinsouaizawa said:

Hi, I’m looking for a fic where Steve takes Bucky to the MoMA after the events of tws and Bucky sees a Rothko painting and he gets real emotional about it? I can’t find it and would love some help. Thanks!

elladoraevans sent in Captain America and the Great Pygmalion Debacle by Chianine (complete | 31,739 | E)

definemathinnumbers said:

I was wondering if anyone knew the story where Bucky and Steve are con artists in modern day, and Bucky gets busted and taken in by SHIELD so Steve disguised himself as an agent to sneak in after him. He gets caught and recruited. Modern!skinny!steve, he was colour blind, had hearing aids and scoliosis? Shitty apartment, saving money for a better place and art school with scams. Bucky was pretending to be selling a cruise when he’s busted by Nat and Clint I believe

Anon 3 said:

i searched for this fic in your blog but i can’t find it but i remember clearly that i found it on your blog sorry :/// so steve is a retired cap?? n they are choosing the new cap between bucky sharon n peggy n one time steve kidnaps bucky bc bucky is fury’s best agent n he has smth w fury?? there’s some smut as well i think hopefully u can help me thanks so much!!! ur blog is super helpful xxxx (steve n peggy are divorced n age gap between steve n bucky if it helps!!) thanks again

dolphinqueen10 sent in  if you're looking for jesus (then get on your knees) by voxofthevoid (oneshot | 18,171 | E)

alrightyaphrdite said:

fic where steve like works as santa in a mall and i’m p sure it closes down or something n he needs a new job n starts working for bucky around his cabin in the woods??? i can’t find this anywhere

gildinwenthekittenblog said:

There's a post Endgame fix where our Steve- goes back to the 2012 timeline, to try to get that Timeline's Bucky out from under Hydra control much earlier. He makes out with himself early on in the fic, as ruse to explain why Cap is HYDRA ( going under the alias of Chris) and he finds closure with Natasha and Tony of that TL, and I can't find it which sucks cos I really loved it :(

getstucky sent in darling heart, i loved you from the start (but that’s no excuse for the state i’m in) by voxofthevoid (oneshot | 19,725 | T)

soulsofsunshines said:

Hi! I'm looking for a shrinkyclinks fic, with ws!bucky as part of the avengers team (none of the avengers actually know anything about him). They keep asking him to join them for movie nights, but he turns them down. Then one day something happens (I think he maybe has a bit of a panic attack???) and tiny Steve shows up and reminds Bucky that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do - like sort of reminding him he's a person? I've been searching forever, any help is appreciated!

time-lord-no-more sent in A Matter of Pride(?) by Quarra (complete | 5,918 | M)

Anon 4 said:

hey im looking for this fic i lost.. it's a modern, no powers au and steve smokes weed for pain management (?), bucky has two big doggos (i think it was huskies) and they are neighbors who don't immediately hit it off?? thanks for the help! :)

Anon 5 said:

steve has blood on his hands but only he can see it, bucky doesnt talk to him anymore but hes in a group called “the trio” with nat and clint, steve has a panic attack on a mission when bucky dances with natasha, bucky tells him later that he couldnt be around him because he didnt want to risk hurting him and he knew nat would fight back if he went back into winter soldier mode thank you for your help!!

dolphinqueen10 sent in Blood on my Hands by Tator (oneshot | 7,820 | G)

tiredhomosapien said:

Hi I've tried looking through tags but I can't find the fic where: Bucky is currently in college and Natasha just broke up with him for being too boring. He's mopes a little but Steve ( pre-serum) pops up again after being gone for years. Steve is there to woo him and is actually a pretty successful artist, Bucky models nude for him at some point. Steve speaks multiple languages and at one pints tells Tony(?) to back off because he was there for Bucky. Thank you for all the work you do!

dolphinqueen10 and autonomygirl sent in Lessons In Chemistry by Brenda (complete | 42,392 | E)

Anon 6 said: (polyamory)

Hi there! I'm trying to refind poly au series in which steve and bucky ask out Nurse! Tony and the date was going great on the end of Steve/Tony but Bucky was glaring and aloof to Tony the entire date.

Anon 7 said: (mcd)

there was an abo fic and it was set in 40s, steve didn't receive the serum and bucky came home after war. they are bonded and married and bucky works in a garage that's ruled by the romanoffs. they have a lot of kids, like a lot. and at the end i think it was steve who died first then bucky followed him in couple days. it was a very cute one and i'd like to read it again, pls help me thanks!!

goldenmoleblr sent in Like Rahab by moonythejedi394 (complete | 131,789 | E) - check additional tags!

Anon 8 said:   (Not Stucky)

Hello, Does anyone know of a fic where Bucky (I think) has a pet rock that someone glued onto a block of wood and added googly eyes and a tiara? It either said "Pretty Princess Award" or "I'm a pretty princess." I haven't been able to find it searching in the AU tags. Thanks!

Anon 9 said:

hello!!! im looking for a fic and the only part i can remember is this girl who works in the tower has a crush on bucky and then learns hes dating steve and tries to kiss bucky and take a picture so she can send it to steve but steve sees it happen and he yells at her, i think theres more to the one shot than this but i couldnt find it in your 5+1 tag, thank you for your help!

[nomnomsik]

In Sync | Pt. 3

Summary: The dance teacher and choreographer, Jung Hoseok, appears as a guest for UNDER 19, a judge for the showdown round, with only half of all the trainees qualifying for the next round. Despite his intimidating manner, his interest in you, a trainee, must mean he wants you to qualify to the end, right? What happens if he wants something else from you, completely unrelated to dance?

Pairing: Dance Teacher!Hoseok x Trainee/Idol Fem!Reader

Genre: Slow-burn, Idol!AU

Word Count: 3.1K

A/N: A shorter chapter because this one was intense. 

Trigger warnings: extreme emotional manipulation, non-con kissing, yandere-themes, profanity, mentions of/implied self-harm, depression/suicidal thoughts, possessive tendencies, overworking, and mentions of sexualization/exploitation of women. Please read with caution.

≿————- ❈ ————-≾

The sound of glass pierced through the quiet night as the unfortunate bottle rolled away from the destroyed bottom, pieces as sharp as a dagger falling off. The lid of another cap popped as the sweet nectar, the liquid of happiness and life, flowed out of the bottle in big gulps. The bottle was finished in very few minutes, cast aside and forgotten, a mocking parallel to him. 

Even if he was well-known in the industry, even if he was in a room filled to the brim with people, he was numb to the feeling, to the presence of others. It was every day he walked back home by himself, with nothing to look forward to besides his elixir of euphoria, the only reason how he got through those days of cold, terrible, loneliness.

Yet, one single person warmed his fingertips, gave him feeling to caress, to grip, to manipulate. And he would do anything to keep these overflowing feelings of warmth that hooked him, waiting to crash and burn like he rightfully deserved. 

He cried out in his apartment, throwing another bottle of the ground as the glass shattered, slicing his cheek. With his wet fringe that clouded his eyes, he leaned further back on the ground until his back hit the front of his sofa. His legs spread out completely straight in front of him as his body sagged onto the wooden floors, his eyes softly closing, hoping the shuttering of his body would stop. 

Blood dripped onto the floor.

Nobody would know that outside, the sun was shining brightly, the birds were singing, and the wind blew a pleasant breeze as trees rustled. The shades, completely sealed, secured him off from the outside. He wouldn’t welcome it, for it gave him nothing. He could never find happiness in such a small, minute detail like others did. 

Every persona or mask he put on, he did it hoping to connect with someone. Those were desperate times, times where he disregarded himself, labeled himself as worthless. He didn’t care who took him, and even when he was on his lowest, on his knees, nobody wanted him. 

Dancing was his life, yet as he laid in his living room, it only brought him to tears. Everything that was supposed to make him happy, only crumbled and burned, laughing at how it would never matter. Nobody had the same passion. He had searched enough and always came back to his home empty. After all, why wouldn’t he slowly begin to believe what people spoke about him in hushed whispers? 

Nobody wanted him. He was strange.

Not a single person would ever understand him. There seemed to be nobody that would fulfill that craving to be loved by someone, by anyone. Why did he continue to check his phone for messages when he knew nobody would ever call him in the first place? Why did everyone think he was perfectly fine when in reality he was crying on the inside, begging for someone to hold him once, to finally be able to lean on someone. 

He couldn’t stand the hard exterior he always put on every day. Even he had his own limits.

He just wanted someone to care. Couldn’t someone just care about him for once? If someone just asked him if he was okay, he would-

“...seok?” 

“Hoseok?” 

He shuffled, awakened from his sleep, groaning as his eyes fluttered open to harsh studio lights that blinded him. When his eyes adjusted to the brightness and white colors everywhere, he looked up to see you already having your makeup and hair done, with the stylists touching up your clothes as you waited for the photo set to finish. 

“Did I wake up to see a literal angel?” He joked dryly, stretching his arms up as he yawned out his fatigue. Why couldn’t these sets have better chairs for staff? He swore the scoliosis demons were out to get him. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” You replied back monotonously. 

Hoseok propped his chin on his elbow, his eyes flickering up your body as he hummed to nothing in particular, trying to hide his disappointment and disdain. The same eye makeup, actually scratch that, the same look as almost every female idol in the industry was also on your face. Isn’t it tiring to do the same thing over and over again? His eyes drooped as he internally sighed. 

Bland. 

However, he gave you a sheepish grin as your expression changed, your eyes frowning at him, clearly catching his stares as he eyed the outfit you wore up and down. You huffed, turning away from him as your jewelry rattled, your long earrings and necklaces rustling over your navy wool and double breated silk collar vest. Hoseok chuckled from the side as you were guided in front of several cameras. 

Dior. Of course, it’s Dior. 

Hoseok frowned, remembering just how much he hated photo shoots even if he wasn’t the one in front of the dozen expensive cameras. There were times he swore people didn’t even buy albums for the music but the fact the artist was selling his or her looks to the public. Hoseok’s tongue rolled inside his mouth, disgust shooting through him, his want to storm out of the room and cause a commotion extremely high. The fact you had to go through this process, your face the same, understanding that this was normal, that this had to be done. Scream scream. He wanted to let it out. You understand this feeling too. You had to.

You wouldn’t possibly be mad at him then, right? Even if he secretly pocketed the camera SD card, resulting in a panic in the studio as he slowly slipped out of the door, the pictures erased from the world. After all, you still had two other concepts that were captured, ones that were less showy, less sexual. Things couldn’t possibly be so bad if he only took one. 

“How does it feel to be dripping in diamonds and Givenchy?” He had jokingly asked, watching as you had just come out from the changing rooms again. 

“It could be less itchy I suppose.” You had replied.

He found you charming, from the way you held yourself and the air that surrounded you. It was inviting yet sharp. The humbleness and subtle humor never failed to amuse him, the slight hum of approval escaping from his lips.

So when he entered his dance studio later that day, he completely immersed himself in the music, losing track of time as he went on for hours. His mind drifted off as he imagined dancing along with you, the squeak of the floor matching and loud jumps that connected to the ground in sync. Sweat graced and glistened on his body as he danced to a whole range of genres, his body controlled by his powerful emotions. 

He held his frown even as you slipped into the studio after hours of changing up the album photos into three sets. Hoseok danced unaware of your presence, his eyes closed as he gracefully slid from each corner of the room. 

How your beautiful dancing would fit right into his arms and the coordination of your outfit with his would stun audiences. How he longed to have a performance with you on stage one day, but he bitterly scoffed at himself. He was nothing more than a teacher. 

It wasn’t until the music died out that he fluttered his eyes open, adjusting the bright studio lights once again as he saw you by the door, a bag to your chest. He took several deep breaths, sweat running down his neck as he turned towards you. 

“I missed you.” 

Those three words melted your heart, an uncontrollable feeling rising in your body. Even though you had been here for years, with polite staff greeting you every day, when had someone wished for your presence? 

You took a step towards him. 

When had someone cared about you like another human being?

And another. 

When had someone missed you like you missed them?

And you reached for him.

Soft skin and the taste of sweet vanilla infused with honey met his own as he stood there in pure shock for seconds. It wasn’t until he realized what just happened that he gently pulled you into his chest before releasing his grip. 

His hands hovered over your hips, as he felt your fingers slide through his dark strands of hair, coming up behind his ears. The two of you mindlessly kissed, drowning in the explosion of sealed emotions, the sensations surprisingly soft and delicate. With the two of your eyes closed, Hoseok focused on pleasure, the touch and caress of your lips until he realized tears were slowly streaming down his face. 

Deprived of love and connection, his eyes released his sorrows, indescribable happiness and adrenaline pumping through his bloodstream.

As he opened his eyes, he met yours as you eyed him, filled with worry. He was quick to bring his hands up to his face to wipe away any wet stragglers. 

“H-hoseok, oh my g- I’m so, so, sorry. I didn’t-” He heard you apologize, panic rising through him as he felt your body trying to shuffle away from him. Were you going to leave him like the rest? 

Don’t leave me. 

“Wait!” Hoseok shouted, pulling you back. “No, no, don’t be sorry, please. I don’t know why I’m-” His throat constricted, securing you in a tight hug as he propped his chin on your shoulder. You were always so warm. “Please.” He whimpered, his arms melting and strength dissipating. 

“Aren’t you grossed out? Disgusted? I just- I just...” He heard you sob, your skin itching and your mind scolding you for doing something wrong. Mortifying.

Hoseok stayed silent for a couple of seconds, picking out his next words carefully. His eyes looked back at you, taking in your vulnerable emotional state, certain if he messed up, you would be drowning in tears. 

“T-that’s not…” he whispered, taking your hands into his as he met your forehead. “Is it wrong I liked it too?” 

He heard you loudly gulp in the empty practice room, your eyes wavering and darting away from his face. The thumping of his chest beat loudly, like the beating of a tom. 

“Hoseok… No…We- I can’t...” 

His mouth hung open, his lips slightly parted as his eyes widened, his grip slowly faltering as you tore yourself away from him, rushing over to the door. 

“Wait! Y/n!” Hoseok hysterically shouted, his hair bouncing up and down as he tried to latch onto your arm, swiftly pulling you back in. “Don’t go.” He grit more forcefully before shifting to a softer voice. “Don’t let me go. Ever. Please.” 

“Hoseok,” You spoke in harsh whispers, tugging at your arm. “Hoseok, we can’t do this. It’s not right.” 

“Why? Why isn’t this right?” He snarled, hearing the clang of the door as your back collided with the solid wood. “You can’t do this to me.” His voice wavered, slowly unwinding as it only increased in instability. “I gave you everything!”  

His heart felt heavy as you looked up at him with a terrified expression on your face, your body trembling even in his favorite sweater he loved seeing you wear. Those delicate expressions that he watched through the mirror so many times were now working against him, to push him away from you. 

“I’ll treat you right.” He promised, grabbing ahold of you as he pushed you further into the door. “Do I not even deserve you then?” 

“Hoseok, stop. I'm sorry for initiating everything. I really am. I'm terrible for leading you on and I'm sorry…But that was nothing...it...It was a mistake.” You spoke coldly and on top of that, you violently shoved his chest as he was forced back a few steps, allowing you time to slip through the door and into the hallway that was filled with people. Hoseok froze, his hand unable to turn the knob, only for his legs to give out as he fell to the floor. With anger that seemed to leave burns over his body, he seethed, his expression dark.

“You’ll soon learn to come back to me, angel. You need me.”  

≿————- ❈ ————-≾ 

Anxiousness. The feeling of anxiousness was evident in your body as you awkwardly stared at your reflection in the mirror, the backup dancers slowly shuffling out after a successful day of practice. With only one day left for debut and yesterday’s fiasco, needless to say, you did not want to be the same room with Hoseok, and alone. 

All throughout joined practice, you could see the dark expression on his face, the intimidating and suffocating aura he held when you accidentally made eye contact with him. Even the trainees seemed to notice his bad mood, making fewer mistakes in hopes to prevent a scolding from an already pissed off teacher. 

“Angel.” 

A chill shot up your body as you were clueless where to look. Turn around to face him? Be dumb enough to ignore him? Acknowledge him but continue to look at the mirror? Do you even keep eye contac-

“Angel. I’m talking to you.” He spoke more forcefully, standing up from his chair as it slid several inches away from him as he pushed it away. “Look at me, yeah?” 

He pried at your arms as you realized you instinctively brought them up, aware of his dominating presence. You had expected to be pushed or shoved again, but instead, you found his slender fingers and soft skin meeting your cheeks. 

“Am I unlovable?” He whispered, his voice cracking and your stomach dropping. “Tell me the truth, please.” 

“H-hoseok, um," you stuttered. "I’m sorry if-” 

“Tell me!” He screamed, his nails digging into your skin as you winced and began to squirm in his grasp. “Just. Answer my question. Answer it now!” He breathed roughly, his breath fanning your skin.

“You are! You are!” You pleaded, his nails only digging in with more intensity as each second passed. “Ahh! Hurts, stop, stop!” 

“Then why? Why?! You’re the first person I’ve cared about this much! And yet…” His head dropped as he released his harsh grip, his voice trailing out as shiny tears pricked at his eyes. “I finally… I thought I finally…” 

A sad smile graced his features as he looked at you once again. “I thought I found someone who finally understood me.” 

“You were the only one who kept up with my intense practices. You were the only one who met me face to face, eager to learn. You just… You just love to dance. You were just like me… You love to dance as much as I do, right? We’re the same. Can’t you see that, y/n?” 

“W-we’re the same?” You whispered, bringing your hands to your chest as Hoseok’s expression softened. 

“Yes, we’re the same.” His hands bringing and joining your hands together. “I’ve always had your best intentions, y/n. Trust me.” 

“B-but not in Under 19.” You retorted back, your voice small. “You eliminated me…” 

Hoseok’s grip tightened, a wince coming from your body. “That’s because they wouldn’t treat you right. Do you really think they could manage their groups as well as accommodating you? You have a better chance at being a successful idol here, under me. I made sure I would have you all to myself because I cared when nobody else did." 

Shock was evident in your face as your head snapped up. “Wait… How- Is that why no other company contacted me? How’d-” Your eyes darted back and forth, unaware of Hoseok’s growing smile. 

“I have my ways, angel. But does it even matter? You’re here now. You're debuting tomorrow. You’re about to attain everything you’ve dreamed of.” When you caught the smirk on his face, you ripped yourself away from him. 

“It does matter! I can’t believe you’d do that! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

You took several steps back as Hoseok stood silent, his fringe covering his eyes as his head fell down.

“Why?...” He whispered, his fists clenching and sneakers digging into the floor.

“Why does everyone say something's wrong with me? Why am I the unusual one?! Why can’t you understand me?!” 

"You have no one besides me!” He laughed as if to convince himself. “You'll have no future without me. The moment you accepted me was the day you gained everything, angel. Don’t you see how bright your future is now? You’ll see you will never be able to leave me." 

Speechless and eyes wide open, Hoseok met your motionless lips, the only sound from the ticking of the clock that told you that this moment was certainly real. You weren’t in a dream... Were you in a nightmare?  

And yet, despite the feelings of shame and guilt from yesterday, even the anger, you couldn't help but accept it. You pulled him harder into you, your eyes stinging. Hoseok halted at first, shocked as you reciprocated his feelings before completely melting into your mouth. 

The two of you moved together as your nose scrunched up, eyes watery with tears slowly pouring out of your eyes. There was a feeling in your stomach, disappointed that you gave into him, yet it understood, turning the other way. 

Because you too, were broken like him. Craved the touch and passion like an obsessed and starved animal. 

Who even were you anymore? 

When your lips parted, you stared up at him with red eyes, cheeks wet. 

“This. Never again.” You whispered, wiping the tears down your cheeks. “My contract forbids this. You know that.” 

Hoseok’s heart clenched as you walked past him, brushing his shoulder and leaving him all alone, in the empty studio. He let you go, knowing that you’d one day walk towards him instead. 

“I’ll have my way, y/n.” He called, knowing well that you had heard him. “I’ll have my way…"

≿————- ❈ ————-≾ 

You smacked your lips, tongue rolling inside your cheek as you irritably stood in the dressing room, minutes away from your debut stage. Hoseok hovered near you, his presence slowly irritating you as each second passed. Wherever you seemed to go, he always followed. 

It was a temporary distraction to the nervousness of your debut. But his touches were demanding for attention, from the caress of your shoulder to the tap of your back. 

"Hoseok…" you warned, shifting away from him as he tried for your attention again. 

"Angel…You're so nervous, you're in desperate need of help." He whispered, amused at the tension in your body. His hand successfully met the skin of your arm as he ran soothing circles, happy you gave in this time. “Just trust in your training. Years of work is engraved in your mind. Don't doubt what you're doing, yeah?”

"Yeah."

“Good luck,” He whispered, his mouth close to your ear. “I’ll be watching from the back. Show them what a true idol is, angel.” 

A small smirk graced your lips as the corner of your eye drifted, locking with Hoseok’s gaze. 

“No need to state the obvious.” 

[Chapter 4]

[supertodd5000]

Mono? Stereo? Both?

Admit it. You’re flummoxed, fried out and forlorn. And it’s not because your baby left you. No, it’s because you woke up one day and realized you’re a record collector. With a serious problem. And not just the physical kind. It’s true that record collectors suffer from a host of very real problems – lack of social graces from dealing with heavy-handed and judgmental record clerks, bad breath from breathing in mold spores wafting up from water damaged records, plumbers butt, and a scoliosis-like malady called “crate-diggers hump” (not as sexy as it sounds) acquired from years of slouching, sagging and stooping over anything and anyone just to fat-finger a copy of that one record that makes your heart flutter, your spleen ache and your bowels tremble.

No, your current dilemma is a horse of a different color. Which version of your favorite records sound best? The mono or stereo copy? Which one should you buy? Should you buy both? Neither? Your mind is melting. 

These days there’s something akin to “Mono Mania” going on in the world of record collecting. To many of us it’s quite welcome. Especially if we’re one of the poor bastards not old enough to have purchased The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society in mono when it came out and we don’t have enough cold, hard cash to buy a minty fresh original flip-back gatefold copy for $425. To us, a sealed mono reissue is just what the doctor ordered.

To others, this mono vs. stereo issue is as baffling as watching your grandmother cut chewing gum out of her dog’s hair. What’s with all these monophonic reissues? To a cynic it seems like it’s the well-orchestrated and profitable reissue of every single recording ever made in a unique mono mix. You’ve seen them poking out of record bins everywhere. They’re typically pressed on 180g vinyl, tucked gently into nice inner sleeves hidden within tip-on covers and created lovingly and painstakingly (note: these are words that usually mean “expensive”) using “the original mono mixes.” But are they better? Sometimes. Sometimes not. Sometimes they’re just different.

This next bit of quasi-intellectual, ponderous gibberish is purely subjective. More so than everything up to this point in this pointless essay. Back in the mid-1960s there were primarily three reasons for buying a mono recording when a stereo recording was also available: you had a hi-fi system with only one speaker (more common that you think), you were deaf in one ear like Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys (look it up) or you were a cheapskate (mono records cost about $1 less per album). Sometimes you were all three. Sad.

Why jump back to the mid-60s? Because that’s a period of time when record buyers had a real choice to make. In most cases you could amble into any record store in the world and buy a great sounding, thick pressing of your favorite record in mono or stereo. Sometimes fake stereo. More on that later. Before the mid-60s, stereo records were a bit of a crap-shoot if you were into rock, blues or jazz. They might sound goofy. With instruments and vocals haphazardly panned left or right. It took a while for engineers to figure out how to make the most of stereo, and at the same time artists were figuring out how they wanted their music to sound.

Classical music is a bit of an exception to this. Conventional wisdom is that stereo recordings of classical music tend to sound better earlier on. And as far as jazz goes, producers and engineers like Rudy Van Gelder, Orrin Keepnews, Creed Taylor and Teo Macero were also a bit of an exception. They got into stereo early on and figured out how to make stereo sound cool with very few microphones. You can read on and on about this (and should) from many sources that are far more expert on this topic than your lazy, stoop-shouldered author. 

Speaking of jazz, the jazzbos tend believe that mono is best no matter what. Original 1950s and early 60s pressings of anything on Blue Note, Prestige, Riverside, Impulse and Columbia are more valuable. And it’s true that these mono records often do sound best. To my ears they can sound louder, with clearer sounding instrumentation and, in the very best cases, the sound can seem to pounce out of the speakers. But how much better are they? I used to avoid stereo pressings of jazz records from the mid-60s and earlier. I was under the impression they were “fake stereo” created in dimly lit back rooms in order to jump on the stereo bandwagon. Some are. Some aren’t.

Let’s push on.

Stereo vs. mono. Which is best? It depends on the recording, the vinyl pressing and your personal taste. Sure, there are albums that everyone says are amazing in mono – the pre-1967 records by The Beatles, The Kinks, The Rolling Stones, The Pretty Things, etc. The list goes on and on. But there are recordings that sound more eventful and interesting in stereo (Interstellar Overdrive by Pink Floyd comes to mind). Rock records released between 1967 and 1970 tend to be the ones that are far more subjective. And you’ll find plenty of beard-scratching know-it-alls with strident opinions who’ll tell you what to think. Some of these guys are right. But many of them also live in their divorced mom’s basement and only emerge from their listening lair to attend a record fair or to run out to buy mom a carton of Benson & Hedges cigarettes. Occasionally, they come upstairs to rub their mother’s bunions. 

People tend to crave the mono releases in part because they’re so rare. I know I’ve got my faves. I prefer the mono pressing of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles because (to me) it sounds more like a rock band and less like studio frippery. But the songs themselves are not that different. It’s not like hearing the record in mono for the first time could convince you that the stereo record you’ve been listening to your whole life sounds like a Jim Nabors Christmas album. Sometimes the performances are different or mixed peculiarly (the mono mixes of Don’t Pass Me By and Helter Skelter from the Beatles White Album come to mind).

For the purposes of this stupefyingly silly essay, I went back and did some side-by-side listening tests to confirm all my preconceived notions of what I like and don’t like in some hallmark recordings yanked from the overloaded racks in my fantastically disorganized music room. Stereo vs. mono. Which is it?

  The Who Sell Out (US mono reissue vs. Japanese stereo reissue):

From memory I thought I preferred the stereo pressing of this. Armenia City In The Sky is a fave of mine and I thought stereo was the only way to hear this tune. Wrong. Not by a crazy wide margin in my case but wrong still. The mono pressing sounded heavier and punchier yet still retained the fun frippery of the studio trickery baked into the tapes on this record. Mono wins. 

The Beatles “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” (Japanese stereo reissue vs. UK mono reissue):

I already tipped my hand on this one. As a kid I only heard the stereo copy. Loved it. No issues whatsoever. But, ever since hearing the mono copy of this record in college (several semesters ago) I became a monomaniac. Fact is, this might be the very first record where I became convinced of the majesty of mono. Mono wins.  

The Jimi Hendrix Experience “Are You Experienced” (Reissues of US stereo, US mono and British mono pressings):

Ok, read anything about this record and the experts will tell you the British mono pressing is the only one worthy of a spin on your turntable. I don’t own an original mono pressing. Who’s got that kind of dough or good fortune? I DO own a mono British reissue. A US mono reissue. A few stereo copies including a stereo reissue (the double LP Hendrix Family version) I used for this test for a couple reasons (it’s readily available at record stores and my copy was also readily available). To my ears the stereo copy is the clearest, coolest sounding and has effective panning and the sort of soundstage tomfoolery that makes stereo fun. To me it’s the best-est. Stereo wins.

Bob Dylan “Bringing It All Back Home” (US stereo original vs. US mono original):

Here’s another one that the professional listeners with hyper-tuned ears say should ONLY be heard in mono. I remembered liking the mono best years ago. Then I listened today. I compared a mono original to a stereo original. The mono copy was snagged by me only a couple years ago. It had been (mis)priced by someone at a national used bookstore chain. The price was too good to turn down and the record is so clean I sold my mono reissue. The stereo copy I got from my wife’s uncle who owned about 300 records. 290 of those were Irish music except for a few Greenwich Village favorites like Dylan, Baez, Seeger et.al. Despite being a well-loved copy with plenty of tiny hairline scratches and marks, I prefer the stereo copy. To my ears it’s the opposite of what I said about The Who Sell Out. In this case, I thought the stereo had more punch. Stereo wins.

Horace Silver “Blowin’ The Blues Away” (US mono original vs. US stereo reissue):

Ok, one of these is a pricey collectible and the other isn’t. Bet you can guess which is which. I fully expected the expensive mono original pressing to blow away the 70s “black b” pressing. And it is better. Louder. Hotter sounding instruments. In some cases Blue Mitchell’s trumpet is positively piercing. Right up into the red in the mix (God bless Rudy Van Gelder). Same way with Junior Cook’s sax. But, the stereo reissue from the 70s is not bad at all. Nice and punchy. It’s a real stereo recording too. Nothing fake about it. Rudy Van Gelder recorded this session in stereo and mono in 1959 and he’s one of the few cats who knew what he was doing in the late 50s. Make no mistake, the mono is better. But if I found these two records cozied up together in a bin at my local record shop and the mono OG was $150 and the stereo reissue was $10 I’d buy the stereo copy in a heartbeat and spend the rest of the money on elocution lessons so I could sound smarter. Mono wins.

Note: I’ve found that most of these “black b” Blue Notes sound pretty good. I also love corduroy and canned beer so take that with a grain of salt.

Bottom line? It turns out the ears are the best test. Do YOU like how the record sounds? That’s what matters most. I prefer some mono records and some stereo pressings. I’ve even dabbled in fake stereo from time to time. I happen to love some records that have been “electronically re-recorded to simulate stereo.” After all, in many ways, life is a simulation. I can’t say I love tons of fake stereo records but I do love a few. In fact there are a few country music titles that fall into this sadly maligned category that I hold dear to my heart.

Here’s the insidious thing. Record collectors often have mono and stereo copies of their favorites. Sometimes the really sick bastards have multiple copies of pressings from all over the world. These people should be celebrated or pilloried. I’m not sure which. Perhaps a little bit of both?

Records. In the end I feel like we’re living and breathing in the promises and perils of records at the same time. Plumbing the depths of the dollar bin and scaling the heights of a pricey wall of record store collectibles. Sometimes on one dirty, dimly lit Saturday afternoon. And I loathe hyperbole. Sort of. 

Mono. Stereo. Both. Indeed.

[parniarazi]

what the universe has taught me about living my best life

I haven’t written on this blog in months, as I’ve been caught up with school, work, and travels. I have been meditating and writing in my journal instead though, a habit I’m proud of and definitely want to continue. I also want to share some things here, especially as I’ll have a bit more free time to write and channel my creativity throughout the summer. I can honestly say, the past year has been the happiest and most amazing year of my life. I turned 20 last October, fearful but excited to end my teen years and embrace adulthood. Moving out of my small hometown, expanding way past my comfort zone, traveling, and falling in love have all changed my life for the better. There’s some points in particular I wanted to draw on, about ways I have cultivated more love and mindfulness everyday, and in return significantly improved the quality of my life. I apologize in advance if some of this is cheesy, just hear it out and give it a chance though! 

☽ Appreciate each phase and live in the moment. If there is one thing the moon has taught me, it’s that things change everyday, the phases will continue and she will go through her cycles. She has taught me to be present, rooted in the moment, in where I am and who I am right now. I’ve always been a dreamer, always thinking about what’s next, where I’d rather be, who I’d rather be. I remember in high school, I was honestly pretty miserable most of the time because all I thought about was being somewhere and someone else. In reality though, when I look back on my life in high school, it was actually really great. I have many good memories and stories, I just didn’t appreciate it enough at the time. Instead, I wallowed in my own misery for literally no reason. Each phase will end, whether you want it to or not. Soon, I’ll be done with college and enter a new phase in my life, and I’m glad I’ve grown up to be more appreciative, more present, and more in love with myself and my life now. Appreciate and be present in whatever phase you’re in now, because it will be gone and different tomorrow. 

☽ Play. Growing up doesn’t mean losing that childhood innocence, your sense of adventure, or your playfulness. If anything, you’ll need your child-like energy more and more the older you get. For a while, I took adulthood way too seriously. I have the blessing of working with kids, and they remind me everyday to laugh and not take things too seriously. Many of my friends, as well as myself, have experienced crippling anxiety throughout our teenage years, because life is fucking hard and scary. Sometimes you need to walk barefoot in the grass, roll down a hill, blow bubbles, watch cartoons, eat candy, and imagine you’re a mermaid. Getting into the rave scene and culture are one of the main things that have also reminded me of this. It’s amazing to see all kinds of people, grown ups from the real world, gather wearing shiny, silly clothes, and glitter to dance and vibe together. We need things like this to remind us life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time, and to allow us to judge less and love more. Remembering this and embracing that innocent, playful energy will unlock so much creativity, compassion, and imagination you have within you. 

☽ Life is full of paradoxes. My favorite one is that life is short, but it’s also so long. You’re here now, and you don’t know if you will be tomorrow, so live a life you’re proud of and leave a mark on the world and the people around you. Be exactly who you want to be remembered as. At the same time, it’s important to remember that there is no rush. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will get to places better than what you even imagined. Take it slow. There’s this cultural attitude of needing to finish school and get a job as soon as possible to be happy and successful. As real as this is, it’s also bullshit because there’s so much more to us than that. Why rush into getting a 9-5 job when you’ll have until you retire to work and make money? You’re told to get AP credits, take more classes, and you’re praised if you graduate early. But for what? Take a gap year if you need it, take less classes if you’re overwhelmed. Take your time because there’s no reason to chase material things and undermine the quality of your learning and the quality of your life. I’ll probably be 25-30 before I finish my degrees, but it’s okay because there are endless opportunities for learning, making money, and growing in a real and authentic way until then. 

☽ Move your body everyday. Something as simple as going on a walk in the morning or doing 20 mins of yoga can improve your life and make you feel better. From insomnia, to depression and anxiety, to physical pain/chronic illness, I’ve seen movement and exercise change lives for the better. We all know exercise releases endorphins, which can boost your mood, help reduce physical pain, even boost your memory and focus. Our culture is obsessed with aesthetics, and working out can suck if you don’t feel great about your body. It’s easy to compare yourself to insta fitness models or experienced yogis, but everything is a process, you have to start somewhere and you have to start with a goal of just feeling healthier and happier. For the longest time I just did ab workouts and squats because I wanted a certain body, but I realized eating food I liked, and doing a simple and easy yoga routine some days felt better than forcing myself to workout and eat healthy. Throw away the scale, don’t count calories or protein, don’t look for physical changes. Move your body in a way that feels good, eat whatever you’re craving, take care of yourself from a place of love and authenticity, and you’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel on a regular basis. Plus, the gains and strength will come along, too. I’m still working on this as well, but swimming, doing yoga, and going to the gym have helped me feel stronger, sleep better, and have less back pain from my scoliosis.

☽ Go outside. You came from the earth, and to the earth you will return. Feel the sun on your skin, the cool water on your feet, the rocks and sand through your fingers. Connecting with nature, not only by physically being outside more, but also eating more naturally, has beautiful effects that are hard to even describe. The earth has everything we could need as humans, she gives abundantly and has the power to heal us. As humans, we need to spend time with nature, the man-made society and structures we live within can sustain us, but we will never be able to connect, be as conscious, or be whole without returning to our roots. I like to have plants, sage, palo santo, and crystals in my room so I can have more connectivity to earth even when I’m indoors. The relaxing, euphoric effects from spending time outside and in nature cannot be felt or imitated with anything else. It is so grounding and uplifting at the same time, and connecting to the earth is definitely on of the main things that has improved my life. Also travel. See as much of the earth as possible. It will teach you things that nothing else can. 

☽ Meditate. Write. Listen to music. Read books. Expand yourself through multiple avenues by trying new things. I never thought I’d be into crystals or meditating or any of this spiritual shit, but instead of judging myself or others, I just decided to give it a few tries. Meditating is amazing because in a world where our brains and eyes are constantly being given information, fed images, and told what to think, it can be so hard to even hear your own thoughts and feelings over all the noise. We also live in a ‘productivity’ culture, so taking a few minutes out of your day to simply sit with yourself and breathe can be so necessary and useful. Meditating reduces my anxiety, makes me a better person to be around, and helps me deal with situations and make decisions from a place of clarity. It also helps me feel closer to myself, so I trust myself and my decisions more and overthink less. Journaling and writing has the same affect. I like to make gratitude lists in my journal, and manifest goals by writing them out after I meditate. This can seem really out there, but meditating and journaling can make some serious shit happen in your life. You’ll be amazed at the calm it brings you and when things you manifest become reality...whoa. Music and reading are also extremely elevating. I could write a whole other post on those two things alone and the incredible benefits they’ve brought into my life. Listen to an artist or genre different from what you usually listen to. Read a book you normally wouldn’t, just for fun. It’s incredible how much these simple acts of stepping outside your norms will allow you to expand and grow.

☽ Cannabis and psychedelics. If you’ve read this far, that’s amazing and why I’ve saved this fun point for last! I started smoking weed in high school, like many people, and I fell in love right away because I felt how it helped me relax, reduce anxiety, and sleep better. But it wasn’t until the past several months that I really began embracing cannabis as my medicine. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve had chronic back pain and anxiety, and nothing has helped me more than cannabis. It has also helped me gain weight (I was underweight for many years), so I am much healthier and happier now. Weed makes me a better person to be around and it has improved the quality of my life so much. Thankfully, it is becoming more and more acceptable in our country/culture, I even had the exciting experience of buying from a dispensary recently. It really bothers me when people think of weed as a ‘dangerous drug,’ because it is the most amazing, healing plant medicine. I’ve also had a few acid trips and tried Molly in the past year, and psychedelics did and still do intimidate me, but they are so powerful. Tripping isn’t going to make you ‘find yourself,’ but it can be a really useful tool in your journey for expanding your consciousness, your creativity, and allowing you to feel more love and openness. Cannabis and psychedelics help me shed my outer layer, one of anxiety, judgement, shyness, and normativities. Instead, allowing my mind to elevate and be open to love, new perspectives, and a deeper connection to the world around me. I truly believe if used properly, these things can have immense benefits and improve lives. 

I’m no expert in wellness or healing, I just wanted to throw out some mindsets and activities in particular that have helped improve my life immensely. I’m on my journey, just like everyone else, learning and growing everyday. I am so grateful for the woman I am blossoming into, and I never even imagined being able to feel as much love and joy as I do. I hope you were able to take something away from these points, and if anyone would like more specific suggestions, from books to yoga to music, please let me know! 

[keuncats]

Valak Feat. Millie "Freak" Official Lyrics & Meaning | Verified

its hilarious when people try to overanalyze because they think its something very private of my life, but like, i don't even write my own songs. just like: nice guess, wrong person.

i have that mindset that, as an artist, and especially as a performer, that i want to experiment with every music style that people can come up for me. i'm very polar, is that the word? i don't want to people ask me what type of music i make, cause i just want to make all.  i don't work in the area of production, i'm terrible to remember lyrics imagine even write them down, and i'm lazy to make beats, but i like this way cause i can work with different people all the time. when they give me a song, i learn the words i make my own assumptions of what is about, and i think thats the beauty of making different genres each time cause it gives me a sense of perspective of things that i didn’t know. i think that people might be disappointed that i'm not here to talk about my ballads, i'm not sorry about it cause they are very melancholic, i just wasn't feeling of talking about the time my boss and his wife were in a break and that one song still existed. and also i think freak is that one song that it made justice to the name valak and what my energy as a person portraits of. since trainee times my nickname was demon.

My patience running thinner on this melting clock Cerebrum jailed with thoughts most would consider rot To think you're any different from an animal A creature, sick, as you should be put down But I can't help myself

what i like the most about these songs, besides the fact that it gives me a vibe of sexual frustration, is that it talks about human nature more than anything else.  is since the evolution about human in the begging of the creation to now living in as a society, in which people are more likely buried down and hiding their feelings, their thoughts, wishes, and even mental health, something that was born, and feeling shame with all that because there is a lot of people who gonna judge for it. for fuck sakes people still put people down to try to exist.

Please, don't hide your imperfections Nature took two tries to make the man in white

this can go biblical or not. i don't fucking know how the world started, but if you are religious you know that some shit happens with baby jesus and his fellows and the guy even had to put them in a cross because they were saying he did something wrong? sorry if i'm wrong, but if jesus never had a flaw, someone in that book had it, and if they said that was wrong, fuck that.  if you don't believe in religion, i mean, before we had this body, the world was full of monkeys, the difference between them and us is scoliosis and less hair. people are just not perfect, it might come as a shook cause i'm might be the third million person to tell that, it is just facts and i think people are cooler when they are themselves completely than anything else.

No, I don't mind, you are a beauty Not temptation, you're my creation

temptation is just a stupid labeling natural instinct, especially when it doesn't have a negative side of it. for example, i met my wife when i was seeing someone else, maybe people still not forgive me for cheating, for some might be the negative side of what i'm saying, but just felt attracted to her at that time, even if was something that people think that i could hold and my actions are more "politically correct" or whatever, i'm not ashamed of my actions. everything i felt for her it was on me and i didn't want to laid back or whatever. now i'm married and having an amazing life still. sue me. again.

Freak o' Friday night, know I'm the main attraction Basket acrobat, they wanna see some action Tinkering with my design, twist and tame my feral mind Play with me 'til you've found another toy

i didn't sing this quite well as millie, i'm sorry about that. hm, i like making featuring songs with women more than men, not there is something i hate doing, i just think a female voice adds so much more to it. its i don't more pleasant to listen to? and when i first listen the song, i knew that this part would be a woman, cause me singing this verse just sounds creepy, but millie singing you can hear her being very confident and sassy. i never properly met her before this collaboration, i just knew that even with a lot of amazing female singers in my company i wanted someone fresh, someone that people would be surprised knowing about this type of project. millie is part of attik, i listen to their songs and saw some performances as we are touring sometimes, i don't think they never did a concept that it was sexy or anything like, so i knew she would be a perfect fit for this part. and as person, we actually had lunch to talk about the song,  she is such nice girl, and an amazing professional and she was willing to do good for the song, which i believe she did in the first tried, and yeah it was nice to meet her and sorter being friends with her cause she is nice.

Let me be your freak show, I could be your favorite monster Rattle my whole cage, remind me why I can't be fostered Let me be your freak show, I could be your favorite monster Lock me up, don't let me out 'cause you know I can't help myself

thats my favorite part of the song. i just wanted to pause to say that.  

You're wasting, you're wasting all Of your time finding a cure when there's no disease You're wasting, you're wasting all Of your talent on an audience that sees a freak

fuck, get freaked on. do it. just do it. don't waste your time. or boy. just c'mon. don't be ashamed of having foot fetish, if its something it that turns un on, go forward it, buy some foot pictures. seriously. i saw a documentary once about sex and kinks, and there some morbid stuff on there, some even looks wrong it came to be historical, i don't remember exactly what they said entirely. they just example a lot about your inner self and wishes and its not something to be shameful in your mind process some imaginary scenery that it gives you pleasure, in reality, you might not be interested in it, but still, just whatever. don’t be scare to be a freak in a lot of ways.

Welcome to our freak show, come meet my monsters Oh, such a fine collection of stranger things

at this point, i think you guys all get it. its my time to go now. my name is valak and that was my point of view about this damn song. now i think i might hate it .if you don't feel this, its okay. if i said something problematic, cancel me, would be not my first time. happy halloween.

[pristinepastel]

5 Things About Me Meme!

Tagged by @awakaru ! This time i’ll tag the last few people in my activity- @robtari , @tavros-tardis , and @boundtoanandroid ! 5 Things You’ll Find In My Bag: -My sketchbooks(two of them. same kind but one is vertical and the other is horizontal) -My art supply box, which is pink and glittery and used to be a makeup box that i got for christmas one year -This probly counts as two things, but my plusle and minun plushies! i also have a plusle keychain. -I have a calligraphy pen w/ multiple nibs that I haven’t used very much yet. I’ll hopefully start using it and improving when i start college this fall! -And finally, my tablet with bluetooth keyboard. No mouse or pen for it but that’s fine for now. One day though… 5 Things You’ll Find in My Bedroom: Too many things;; -I have a book bag that I only use when I travel. When I’m at home though, it holds most of my plushies! Including a pachirisu that lost an ear. Which I. Kiiind of fixed? I tore off a scrap piece of a purple scarf and sewed it over the hole with yarn. Maybe I’ll take a pic later, lollo -I keep a cat cube on my bed near my feet. It’s purple and pink, with a leopard print. The outside is a kind of messy texture, while the inside has a soft carpet on the bottom. The cats don’t normally use it but when they do i try to take pictures! -My favorite blanket! I use it to stim. When I was at high school I’d usually take it with me in my bag, as well as my scarves. It was helpful for taking naps during commons, especially after a bad insomnia bout. Also helpful during my depressive episodes- even if I’d still end up going home early sometimes. -I have various posters put up in my room- including some prints from juicyink on youtube, a kingdom hearts 2 poster i got from when borders was still around, a print of Vincent Valentine that I got in the Artist Alley at colossalcon last year, a print i got from a caricature artist i got on my birthday as well as the caricature he made of me, and some old fashioned prints made on corkbord which kind of remind me of lowbrow fantasy art. I don’t know how old they are, I think my mom got them for me at a flea market? -I also have some old drawings of mine on my walls. I used to have a lot more of my older older pics, but i took them down because I wanted to start fresh. These were from my senior year i think? So far it’s just drawings of Osiria and Dahteste so far lollo -I lastly have my desktop computer! It’s a p big screen. My dad got me a new screen, keyboard, and pc box for my birthday, after I told him I wanted mass effect andromeda once it came out. For the specs he said. He’s very enthusiastic about that sort of thing;; 5 Things I’ve always wanted to do in life: -Become a concept artist/character designer -Write a story/Draw a comic about my characters(sadly my imagination is more abstract and my minds not v suited for concrete scripting lollo) -Somehow meet and help my characters in real life. I know that’s impossible, shoosh -Become a side character in someone else’s story/video game. Not physically of course- I mean I want to play as the sort of character that supports the protagonist and helps them get a good ending. -Become a voice actor! I really enjoy the thought of my voice bringing a character to life. I’ve tried auditioning before, but I’m not very confident in online auditions like that cus my mics not the best;; 5 Things That make me Happy: -Philadelphia roll with smoked salmon, avocado, and cream cheese! My fav sushi yums;; -My cat Molly! her purrs sound like a pigeon or a dove coping and she’s so soft -Comforting and emotional characters!! Like Cole, Sandal, and Dog from Dragon Age, Jaal from me:a, Legion from Mass Effect, Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, Lee from Naruto, Dogmeat from Fallout, etc. -My Mom gives really good hugs and she’s really good at emotional support! She understands what I go through cus she has depression and anxiety too. We even take some of the same prescription! I like her more than Dad cus he gets angry sometimes and I can’t really predict when that happens. He’s not hurting me or anything, he just gets loud and that makes me a lil nervous is all! -Conventions! I’m not really equipped for big social events usually, but these are usually the exception. You don’t really talk to people one on one, and you don’t have to be afraid of being the center of attention. Even buying stuff is easier cus no ones judging you for how much you’re buying or how long you’re at one booth! 5 Things I’m Currently Into: -My mutuals/followers may or may not have noticed the posts about witchcraft ehe;; It started with me researching stuff that one of my brain friends, Elisa, is into. She started out with just general tarot reading, which then developed into her actually being a witch, which led to me discovering i really enjoyed the subject lollo -Dungeons and Dragons podcasts like The Adventure Zone and Godsfall. that is too many capital letters;;; -Modern Girl In Thedas fanfics. I especially enjoy the ones where the protag discovers no one in thedas speaks english. Sometimes people write it so english is qunlaat, but my fav is that the protag has to work at learning common on their own. -I’ve gotten into playing more mobile games again, now that i have a phone that can support them;; I now have Love Live SIF, Fallen London, and the new ver of Kingdom Hearts X(fyi the x is pronounced cross in english- in japan its pronounce chi!) -I’ve been watching doodle videos lately. They’re vids where the artist just doodles random lines and patterns and shapes to fill an entire page. Sometimes there are mandalas too! Sometimes the artist talks quietly and motivationally during it like Bob Ross. if you’re curious one of the artists i’ve been watching recently is called Peter Draws on youtube! 5 Things on My To-Do List: -Finish prepping all the paperwork for starting college. I’ve been accepted, but there’s still financial paperwork to fill out lollo -Make a grimoire/book of shadows/book of mirrors. Atm, all my witchy notes are in my phone. I plan to make a cutesy decoden grimoire once i’m actually in school! -Start doing physical stuff like yoga and walking. School has a public yoga class available, and the campus has a lot of places where i can take breaks if i start feeling light headed due to the scoliosis. I’ve downloaded pokémon go preemptively to help w that -Prepare for june’s various activities! This year i’m not just going to colossalcon- I’m also going to volunteer at a convention in DC! ooo I’m so excited and i wanna pack immediately even tho i know it’s not for a month yet lollo;; my mom is also in this mood - Mmmaybe get a spirit companion? Dunno for sure yet. Not sure if my social anxiety also applies to the ethereal. A bit nervous about the constant-ness of the interaction. Need to research the subject a bit more lollo 5 Things People May Not Know About Me: -I’m really disorganized. So much so that i can’t close my closet door due to the clutter in front of it;;; -Physically speaking, I am only 5'6", I have a lazy eye, and mild scoliosis. My right canine tooth is broken as well.Im kind of self conscious about my teeth so my smiles are usually closed mouth. I also have problems with hygiene, for various reasons- for general cleanliness i just forget to shower sometimes/don’t have the motivation for it. As for the teeth, my sensory issues make it so i very much hate toothpaste. That’s why my teeth are so bad;; speaking of- -I have various mental issues. I have depression and anxiety, which has been clinically diagnosed. My psychiatrist also suspects i have mild autism or aspergers, but the test people never got back to us so heck if we know for sure. My mom, a couple of my friends, as well as me all agree i seem to have it. I also believe i have maladaptive daydreaming. This is a condition that makes it so I have very detailed imaginary worlds in my head- so detailed in fact that I get very attached to the characters in them, who I call brain friends. The daydreams get so detailed and involved that it’s sometimes hard for me to focus on stuff like reading or sleeping. Which exacerbates the insomnia i already have lollo. It’s easier for me to read fanfics than published stuff as a result, cus fanfics are basically written dreams in that sense? i’m also p bad at explaining myself with words lo l l,o;; -Despite most of my posts being happy ones, i tend to have p bad depressive episodes. I try not to vent on here though cus i’m self conscious about how others interpret that. It makes me feel manipulative. I also have trouble with asking my parents for stuff for the same reason;; -I started the positivity tag on election night. I was really shaky and anxious, but all of that was trapped inside and i couldn’t cry, so i just felt stuck there(i now suspect i was disasociating at the time?). I started reblogging all these happy posts to cheer myself up, and thanking all the people who were putting them on my dash. That’s why my positivity tag is ‘thank you’! :^)