#i was racking my brain for MONTHS trying to figure out why it irked me so much that chloe/lana keep pushing clark to tell them his secret

[grgie]

I FINALLY REALISED WHY EVERYONE BEING SO CAUGHT UP ABOUT CLARK HAVING SECRETS ANNOYED ME SO MUCH BTW. ITS LIKE BEING FORCED OUT THE CLOSET THANK YOU

[jiminrings]

the volleyball shorts

pairing: jungkook x y/n

wordcount: 5k

glimpse: coach koo’s just dying to know what his present is, you’re panicking because you can’t think of a present, and jimin and the gang tolerate jungkook a little bit better because it’s his special day :D // contains smut + gif isn’t mine!!

notes: happy birthday jungkook!!! i baked brownies irl for you u should come over sometime!!!

if you’ve read most valuable, the piece that started it all, then you knOw what i’m alluding to with jungkook and his relationship with y/n’s volleyball shorts!!

you swear,,

you could even really SWEAR on the brand-new refrigerator that you need to knock twice on to see what it contained that you split the price with jimin

and forcibly with also jungkook because he stays over so much at yours and jimin’s place that he’s basically a roommate now

and alsO forcibly with taehyung and yoongi because apparently your apartment is now everyone’s gathering place and they raid and inhale ur fridge atleast 72 times per day that the electricity bill’s gone up

that yesterday, it was just a month away from jungkook’s birthday!! you swear!!

and two hours ago, it was two weeks away!!

AND NOW

you can’t really digest the truth

that it’s just f i v e days away now

and you have zero thoughts to how you’re gonna throw jungkook his birthday bash :D

the guys probably figured that out too lol because they have an idea to how you’d be all over the place for even something miniscule

like one time you and jimin bought two rugs you couldn’t decide upon then you just agreed that you’d fit it underneath the coffee table and whichever looks ugly, you’ll return it later

but then the two rugs ended up being too pretty that you couldn’t decide nOW

and jupiter barked out of the blue and it was a eureka moment because :D aHA jimin what if we just let jupiter pick out the rug?? then that way it’s fair???

but then jupiter ended up lying on bOTH the rugs and now you were distraught

jimin was reassuring you like eH it’s okay let’s just go about our days and not spend y’know :D all our time trying to figure out what to pick :D

and then you obviously refused and you stayed up the whole night picking a goddamn rug and jimin was so close to toppling over in fear when he went to grab water at three in the morning

anyways

that’s why they’re here!!! even before you could call and gather them up when jungkook had to leave by himself to settle some things because he’s the coach,,

even before you could text tae and yoongi to take the elevator, they’re already knocking at your door

“...”

“......”

everyone’s just looking at each other in this makeshift circle you’re all in around the coffee table

even jupiter’s stopped barking and he’s been barking for the past five minutes at the new cactus succulent that jimin bought!!!

they’re waiting

waiting for that —

“I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO FOR JUNGKOOK I’M SUCH A BAD GIRLFRIEND A-AND-“

aha

meltdown

“not to stir the pot, but jungkook always zones out at practice and even during games then gIGGLES to himself!! and when i ask him why, he says that he’s just thinking about what you’re getting him for his birthday!!”

jimin shudders at that too because whew

like he knew that koo sometimes talks to inanimate objects but man his superior (albeit younger) is out here imagining his birthday present in the middle of a neck-and-neck game

he’s conversing with himself like he’s talking to you and that just makes him speechless

“kook buddy i haven’t played volleyball competitively in like two years but i sUGGEST you focus or else i will spike you haha jk but no really ahaha :))”

“not to stir the pot too, but jungkook asked me to play happy birthday. on the snare. happy birthday. ON THE SNARE.”

this time, it’s taehyung’s turn to shudder

because he got a new head that’s louder and more tear-resistant and he wanted to try it out ok

and what better way to try that than when it’s in one of your practice games??

he has his drumsticks already lifted but then out of nowhere jungkook pOps out with a cheeky grin on his face and tae almost pokes him in the eye

“how many syllables are your name, tae?”

“... are you really asking me this?”

“yeah!! how many?”

“... three, jungkook. what, do you need ME to count yOUR syllables for you??”

oh my god that is such a stupid question

but it’s coming from jungkook so lmao tae isn’t all that surprised

“what’s three plus twenty?”

“i get that you’re an athlete but don’t you kNOW how to count???”

“hyung what’s three plus twenty??”

“... twenty-three....”

tae’s so close to narrowing his eyes because if this is another one of jungkook’s lame pranks then he’s gonna whack him in the head for this

but then all of a sudden jungkook jUMPS and squeals before clapping his hands

“twenty-three days before my birthday!! quick quick play happy birthday for me nOW :D”

that’s so... chilling

“now not to stir the pot even further, but y/n,,, baby,,, why didn’t you brainstorm earlier??”

yoongi goes straight-in for the kill and it’s his version of “i told you so” but that does not make it better whatsoever

that’s the thing you don’t know either!!!!

and it’s totally your fault and you shouldn’t have been complacent because now you’re paying the repercussions of cramming AND panic-sweating!!!

it’s okay!

you got this! :D

“how about some more black shirts??” tae pitches in and it’s a resounding no from you and the assistant coach

“jungkook has enough of those,, even jimin and i can take a dozen from his stash and it won’t even make a dent!!”

jimin’s racking his brain and he hasn’t thought about something this hard but ok fine anything for you

“new chunky shoes?? but uGH he already has too many of those-“ that makes him groan even harder because buying another pair for kook means him tripping over them

not to mention that the shoe rack is now taken over by jungkook atleast 50%

and once again jimin reiterates <3 this is the y/n and jimin apartment and nOT the y/n and jimin and this dude that dOESN’T pay rent apartment

yoongi’s in deep thought as everyone around him throws ideas around

okay dOn’t tell anyone but yoongi’s now getting into bullet-journaling :D

tae just gave him a dotted notebook one day because he accidentally bought a dozen instead of one from amazon so lol here hyung u like writing right???

by writing, yoongi meant scribbling haphazardly and waking up the next day and trying to decipher his own handwriting

but then he came over to your apartment and you bought pastel highlighters because they were on sale and nOT because you needed them and you wanted to try them out!!! but jungkook was sick that time and you needed to make soup :((

“yeah ok leave it to me,, i’ll swatch it for you or something.,.,.”

one thing led to another and :D AHA

yoongi blackmailed everyone to not say a single word to anyone that he now loves bullet-journaling and he had to whack tae one time when he kept teasing him

also he now has a bujo account on instagram and it’s nearing 5k followers omg and he will d-word when someone irl finds out that it’s him

“boxers.”

yoongi says seriously and it makes everyone shut up because he sounded sO sure

he just has this certain authorative aura around him that you wavered because oH right yes boxers,,, will buy,,,, thank you

lol but you snapped out of it

“jungkook already has too many boxers!! he likes basketball shorts more nowadays and-“

“what? who said the boxers were for jungkook??” yoongi scrunches his nose at your ridiculous reply

your eyes are squinted so hard as you try to decipher the flow of thoughts of everyone in this circle

“oh. i want boxers. want them for christmas!! take note, y/n.”

oh

okay

cool

good news: you now know what you’re gonna give to yoongi on christmas

bad news: you dON’T know what to give to your boyfriend on his birthday five days from now

there’s something somewhere in the middle of all the banter that you’ve tuned out though

something that just makes your eyes bulge and hit whoever’s lap is beside you repeatedly (first of all it’s jimin’s for the record and second oW THAT HURTS) with a grin on your face before you hurriedly stand up and they equally as hurriedly do after

“i know what to get!!”

jungkook’s stArting to get antsy if he’s being honest

it’s not because he’s in his own apartment with you after so long he’s stayed over at yours

he really doesn’t mind that bit, no

jimin, tae, and yoongi were all staying over at your apartment instead as they make the last bit of preparations for jungkook’s birthday the next day!!

they all insisted that you rest because you’ve been so frantic the last couple of days and tbh even taehyung hyped of tWO cups of coffee can’t keep up

no — jungkook’s so antsy because he doesn’t know what you have in store for him :((

for the last five days you haven’t touched him nor did you let him touch you :((

a heated makeover that’s cut too short is as far as it could only go and he’s just so????

like is that a part of your birthday surprise or nOT

he has a love-hate relationship with surprises now because first of all,,,

he kNOWS that there’s gonna be a surprise and that excites him

but the worst of it all is that he knows there’s a surprise but he doesn’t know what it is

that’s like uhm

standing fifty feet away and being forced to pick between a lifetime supply of sugar and salt that’s placed into jars but u don’t know which is which

that is such an odd example to compare it to but that’s only what jungkook could process this now oKAY

you still let jungkook cuddle you so he guesses he could still touch you

he could rest his hand on your tummy!!!

but riGht when he’s about to sneak in a lil squeeze at your boob over your shirt then that’s when you slap his hand away and he frowns

just some hOURS left and it’s finally his birthday!!! he’ll just nuzzle to your neck and all would be fine :)

the lil party’s gonna be thrown in jungkook’s apartment anyways because as you’ve all come to known:

his apartment’s bigger than the one you and jimin share and that irks him because!!!

“yOU have the bigger and better aprtment why are you still cramping at ours???”

“i like staying with you guys!!!”

“nO you like staying with y/n and i come in handy when you need to steal someone’s pasta from!! i bought you tupperware and wrote your name on it but you still eat from mINE!!”

now everyone has their designated roles

jimin’s in charge of making the lasagna and he takes great pride in arranging the layers neatly and not half-assing the amount of cheese

taehyung had the great idea of wAIT what if they don’t like lasagna?? (jimin was offended by that omg who wouldn’t like my lasagna are u kiddinG)

so what he did was bring over this foldable table :D lay cups of ramen neatly :D decorate jungkook’s kettle because he realized that it looks like dOlphin when you tilt it sideways :D

and it’s now tae’s ramen station and so far the party-goers are LOVING it and it’s a close tie between him n jimin

yoongi’s in charge of food that the other two didn’t bother to think about basically

you locked jungkook in his own room lmao and had to bribe him with a kiss or two to stay there and not leave until you tell him to

you’re in charge of the decoration and not to toot ur own horn or anything but you did a pretty damn good job :D

there’s foil balloons you had to blow up and decorate meticulously

lol jimin accidentally bought the wrong ones so now it’s JUNGK00K instead of JUNGKOOK

you even learned how to fold paper cranes so u could fold the quantity of them to jungkook’s age for yoongi to stick them up to the ceiling

you EVEN bought blackout curtains and a lil disco light!!! that’s how well-put you were despite cram-planning!!

it was time to let out jungkook because the guests were starting to come in

and oh my gOD jungkook does clean up well..,.. wow

he’s dressed himself in just a white button-up but with the sleeves folded and some buttons left alone

thEn it’s the same black jeans but with a fancy belt he only pulls out whenever he goes to prissy parties!!!

and oh god

oh my

it’s his slicked hair that’s showing his forehead and tHAT’S when it sinks in you that oh.,.,. right.,.. jungkook’s growing his hair out and he’s been in a cap this past week and OH

it only hits you that oh.,.. jesus christ.,.,. jungkook has a mULLET

it’s a mullet-type of situation and it’s part-straight and part-wavy and wOW

you want nothing more but to pounce on him and it makes you audibly gUlp

jungkook’s as surprised as you were of him because w-wait a second

ok you’re wearing your favorite white shirt with the print on it that you wear at home!! he isn’t surprised

but are you wearing vOLLEYBALL SHORTS.,.,..

like as in the same volleyball shorts... that he..... adores..... a-and fantasizes over

oh my god everybody shut up

is that-

is that hIS OLD VARSITY JACKET????

the one with Jeon embroidered in the back and the one he wore to death that it still has his scent on it even if you washed it clean???

.... oh

that uH that makes jungkook put a hand over his chest

god im coming up

the party was an absolute bLAST!!

you and jungkook would stray from each other time to time because you’re each whisked away to talk but you’d always find each other after

you cAn’t contain yourselves at the sight of one another

kook keeps putting his arm around your waist and you keep squeezing his forearm

over-all it was such a great party 20/10

the girls chipped in to buy their coach jungkook (u put the idea in their head and they were amazed because they didn’t think of it) a smartwatch and he was so :D upon receiving it because wOah!!! omg he’s now a smartwatch owner sUck that kim namjoon

kim wears these fancy analog watches still and that makes jungkook roll his eyes because yEa that may be a rolex but my team did obliterate yours lmaOoo what about that huh

jimin’s gift was very heartwarming no matter how much he denies it to be

first he bought jungkook matching slippers with him because he’s so irked to see jungkook in chunky sneakers aLL the time

then uhm

an official key to the apartment and a written letter that when the two of your drive back,,, you could all do a handprint at the picture frame with the four of you and that’s jupiter’s paw included

you’re not gonna lie that dID make you tear up a little bit because wow :((( jimin used to be hesitant of jungkook at first but nOw he’s officially welcoming jungkook in with no anger whatsoever

kook also did cry a lil bit and they hugged it out

taehyung hand-knitted a blanket for jungkook with lil dolphins on them

he missed some stitches but he did his best oKAY and koo was so excited because wow omg this is so good!!!

yoongi bought jungkook a guitar because yeah.,.,. u dO get into my nerves sometimes but i care for you and i guess you’re my little brother now :)) i don’t make the rules

and as for your gift

... well

everyone’s already left and it’s just the two of you now finally

jungkook’s sat at the edge of the bed patiently because you’re fishing for the paper bag you’ve hidden and he’s sO on edge alright

he’s closed his eyes and you didn’t even tell him to so he’s THAT obedient

“you can open them now,” you’re sat on jungkook’s lap and it’s quite the tease for you to be perched near to his knees instead of his crotch but oK he won’t complain yet

it’s a box??

oh

... oH

“that’s for me??”

jungkook awes immediately when he opens to box and sees shiny silver gleam right up at him

it’s the matching thick necklace and bracelet he’s been eyeing for quite some time now yet refUses to buy

and here it is!!!! right in his hands!!!

“yes and they dOn’t allow refunds so please just wear them and don’t make yourself guilty!!”

you’re taking it from his hands and he’s smiling giddily when you clasp the cool jewelry around his neck and on his wrist

cute

and now it’s time for —

“i’m sleepy. are you sleepy yet?”

you do your part in messing with jungkook as you stifle a yawn, pretending to arrange things around the room before settling near him at the edge of the bed

he almost gives himself whiplash to look at you because you can NOT be serious

“no you’re not. you aren’t sleepy. your eyes tear up when you wanna go to bed.”

it’s endearing for you that he knows thay but you just continue to deadpan for the time-being

“i do? well i think i’m tearing up now.”

jungkook scoffs and crosses his arms across his chest because nO your eyes are dry!!!! look at them!!!! not a single tear!!!!

he’s looking at you so pointedly that it makes you chuckle, finally sitting down on his lap properly like he wanted you to that it makes him grunt

jungkook hasn’t had any decent action for a week now and even the slightest contact of you sitting on him, still-clothed, already makes him cRUMBLE

the thought that you’re in your volleyball shorts doesn’t help at all

it’s nice seeing him so flustered and willed right now,, his pupils already blOwn out and you haven’t even done anything

jungkook’s beautiful and that isn’t up to debate but even more-so up close that you could hear his labored yet trembling breathing

“you wanna kiss me?”

that dOES it for him and he almost leaps at the question but that’s when you pull back to which he audibly whines

:D

you come back again but it’s you who initiates it and jungkook practically melts at the taste of your mouth, already getting handsy as he squeezes at your thighs

he’s the one who’s gaining the upper hand and that was nOT the plan so that’s why you pull away right when he’s getting drunk on you

he’s chasing after your lips and you practically tut at him condescendingly that makes him huff again

“say please.”

aHA

jungkook’s eyes widen at that and he scoffs in disbelief because oh my god so tHIS is what you’re doing

now this is what he makes you say

and you never got him to say please because whenever you urge him to he just laUGHS upfront and it makes you pout

no jungkook’s not gonna do —

his giggling’s cut short when you let your mouth wander to his neck and right on to his sweet spot, immediately sucking on it harshly to paint your mark on

there’s slow kisses on his jugular nexy and you won’t do the same as what you did to him the first time and it’s frUstrating

add on to that with how you remind him you’re still on his lap with you grinding on him tOO pain-achingly slow

ok jungkook might say please after all

you’re coming back up to his jaw again and kissing everywhere but his lips that it’s starting to make him cave

“pl-“ he stops himself because oh gOd is he yielding but that’s when you snap too smoothly right on him, the intimate yet clothed feeling of you enough to make him moan in distress

“please?”

it’s instant relief when you’re back to kissing jungkook again and he might just bURST at this point and you’ve only been kissing him

tasting your lips is his first priority and breathing’s his second that it makes you chuckle with how needy he is, having to push him off because you know he’s getting light-headed

jungkook’s regaining his breath and he still wants mORE unsurprisingly

you’re taking off his shirt and stripping off his pants that leaves him with his boxers but on the other hand, you’re sTILL fully-clothed sans the varsity jacket

he’s about to do something with that which explains his grabby hands trYing to take off your shirt

but his hands not only get slapped away again, you’re pINNING them down back to the bed

“y/n i swear-“

he’s growing restless because he needs you right here and right now but you’re just tOO stubborn and bossy which is definitely a switch of roles

you grind on him a little too roughly than you intended to but the feeling’s more than welcome because you feel so fULL already and it makes jungkook unintentionally thrust into you

your shorts are feeling more than damp and his boxers are being a little tOo tight now

that’s when you lift yourself up from his crotch and let go of his hands, your face dangerously near his as his pupils shake

jungkook’s clearly looking at your centre and he whines when you still (purposely) won’t get what he’s trying to say

he’s always clearly had a vision of eating you out in your volleyball shorts that’s for sUre

but he didn’t imagine it like this and you know what he’s not complaining his hips try to buck up but to no avail, your finger hooked underneath his chin to make him look at you again

jungkook looks sO fucked out and he knows that far

he cries like a lost puppy with how you press your thumb to his bottom lips, your other hand making soothing circles on his chest

“you want a taste?” you ask ever so gently and that makes kook nod more than eagerly, about to pull you by your thighs and his mouth’s wAtering just by thinking about it

it’s the tut you give him again that makes him succumb, throat strained as he trains his pleading eyes on you for permission

“p-please?” jungkook’s too impatient to wait for an answer as he roughly grabs you to position your clothed core right above his face, immediately pressing his nose to inhale the scent of you with his lips ghosting your already-soaked folds — something so obscene about it that it almost makes your knees buckle, “that’s a g-good boy.”

he’s rELISHING on the slip of your tongue and he wastes no times in taking off your shorts, diving in with an eager tongue that takes you off-guard

now this is the real deal

jungkook takes mUCH pleasure in giving you yours and the unhinged and dirty moans you’re giving him are egging him on further

you taste so sweet and it’s enough to make him dizzy with how you’re opened up to him and for him only

he has a death grip on your thighs because you keep twitching and on the other hand he’s cravinG for you to take everything he’s giving you

he slips his hand to thumb at your clit in desperate circles and god the countdown to when you’re gonna reach your peak becomes alarmingly too near

jungkook doesn’t stop when you’re tugging at his hair roughly or when you’re yelling out his name like a mantra

jungkook doesn’t stop either when his face from the nose down is starting to get messy with the taste of you

doesn’t stop either when he’s starting to see your eyes become glassy and your lip trembling

absolutely doesn’t stop when you snap suddenly and gush over him because in fact, he still continues with much more fervor

jungkook was messy and kept lapping up at what you were giving him that’s enough to drive you into anoTher orgasm with how sensitive you are

holy fuck

jungkook’s laughing against your neck as you’re draped over him, making flowers bloom on your neck with his tongue as he makes you catch your breath

“there’s still another gift i haven’t showed you.”

okay nOW you’re nervous

kook stops pressing kisses and your words obviously make him perk, trying to hide his fascination and excitement but that’s poorly-done with how he’s trying to hide it

“you have mORE?? think y’already gave me heaven if i’m being honest”

he wouldn’t be opposed because honestly speaking his stamina as of the moment would last him aLL night and he’s on a high just from eating you out!!

oh my god you can’t possibly fall in love more with jungkook

you’re tracing the sweat that’s going down on the necklace and it makes you go lightheaded with how perfect he looks

the imprint of his bracelet’s marked snug on your left thigh with how hard he was gripping you earlier

he’s patiently waiting and waiting on you, drumming his fingers on your thighs in anticipation

here goes nothing!!!!

you take off your shirt and aHH jungkook visibly moans at the sight of a bare you

he’s right you are the present

but nO that’s not what you’re trying to get at

jungkook has his wandering hands taken down for the nth time this week but something about this feels a bit more special and reserved

he’s a little lost when you get off from him and instead sit beside him against the pillows, still kneeling on the bed so you could be higher than how he’s sat right now

he is mORE than lost when you smile at him gently and take his hand to —

oh

oh my god

oH MY GOD

it’s a tattoo

it’s a tiny and dainty tattoo on your rib in black ink

JJK

“jjk? that’s-“

holy fucking sHIT

everybody shut up!!!

everybody pLEASE be quiet jungkook needs a moment rn

it’s his initials

in his handwriting

on your skin.

oh my god

you’ve always adored jungkook’s tattoos i mean it’s nOt a surprise for anyone

they peak from time to time but sometimes they get covered with his coach jackets and his hoodies

and it’s at home where you can see them all

there’s a little inkling in the back of your head that oOH you’ve always wanted one like what he has

what was holding you back was that maybe it would affect your career or whatever

you and jimin read the guidelines for a whole hour and it wasn’t illegal for players to have tattoos!!!

as long as it doesn’t go against the rules and it won’t hinder your play

tattoos on the wrist or in between the fingers or in the forearm were a little risky because it’s always in direct contact with how you play

jimin was all thumbs-up on your idea because he himself has a couple of tattoos and was all wOah that’s so sweet!!!

taehyung was very warm with your idea and he swears that he’ll get one soon just give him some tIME to conceptualize what would his first one be

yoongi agreed and he alsO has tattoos himself and he was the most realistic (?) out of the four of you going “well you and jungkook better not break up lol”

he thought of it more and honestly?? he doesn’t see you and jungkook breaking up because there’s just sOMETHING alright??? something so unbreakable

jimin and taehyung and yoongi made a bet when you were getting your tat cleaned up that lmao what year would jungkook propose in

it’s your first tattoo and like you didn’t want to dive in head first and have a whole sLEEVE tattooed on the first occassion ya know

so why not the one you love?

and like it’s hidden by a shirt and obviously not a LOT of people would know about it and —

oh wow

uhhhh

jungkook’s.... crying?

he loves you sO much you have no idea

you’re tasting the salt from his tears when he kisses you so tenderly but it’s okay you don’t mind

he’s the one pinning you down this time and well he used to swear that he’s nEver the one for giggly sex

but oh god look at him now

mAYBE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE HAPPY AND ON CLOUD NINE!!!

he has your hands flat against the mattress before he holds them :D

this is jungkook’s best birthday eVER 

“wanna spend all my birthdays with you.”

you instantly giggle to his neck and that tickled him a little bit okay

“you wanna marry me??”

you’re feeling everything at once and you have never grinned sO hard and laughed

jungkook rolls his eyes but that’s only because he might burst if he keeps looking at you

“well i don’t have the ring yet dummy but yEs i do want to marry you!!”

mrs. jeon!!!

wow that sounds hEAVENLY

you raise your head to whisper to his ear, leaning down for you instead so you wouldn’t strain yourself, “say please.”

“i hATE you,” jungkook cackles and it should be illegal to how warm and content he feels!! 

“you love me!!” there’s a lil sing-song voice and of cOURSE he does!!

he’s so whipped for you and he might go to the ends of the earth just because you insist

“solid facts.”

“my god—“ jungkook stills, laughing at you who’s underneath him before he breaks out into a grin

a little tiny ᵏᶦˢˢ on your nose

“what was life before you?”

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Happiness Begins

Part 9

Chapter Summary: The reader gears up for a New Year's Eve party hosted at the Padalecki's Austin home. Her hopes for good fortune in the New Year are quickly dashed when Jensen no longer seems to want anything to do with her. 

Word Count: 1.6K+

Warnings: Language, angst

Author’s Note: This one is short and sweet because I wanted the next part to stand on its own. That being said it does not downplay the significance of this part. As always, thanks for reading and giving feedback, it’s always amazing to read. xo Alex

Catch up with the series masterlist and check out Alexandra’s Library for more works by yours truly!

After a while, her mother came up to apologize. The two of them mended their tift and her mother promised to drop the argument. Y/n knew it was an empty promise and the same one that her mother made every year, but as much as she hated it, she hated confrontation more. So, she put on a happy smile for the rest of the evening and decided to leave as early as she could the next morning. 

The next few days consisted of mindlessly filling her time with anything that she could. She found a new gym in Austin for when she was done in Vancouver. Then she spent a few days catching up with her close friends that she hadn’t seen in a few months. But, much like her last few days in Vancouver, nothing was doing much to help her mood. Her troubles would hide away in the back of her mind while she was busy, but the second she was alone again, she would slip back into her dark space. At least when she was in Vancouver, she had work to keep her mind occupied for long hours in the day. What was supposed to be her rest and relaxation time quickly faded into her desperation to be back at work. Which was something she never thought she would have considered before. 

When New Years Eve rolled around, she made herself remarkably early for Jared and Genevieve’s party. They were going all out this year. The house was going to be packed for their Gatsby themed party. They had spared no expense to put on a party that would modestly put Gatsby himself to shame. This party had promise for distraction for the majority of the night, something she had been looking forward to since Christmas. As much as she wanted to just drink the night away, she also wanted to spend some time with the kids before they were carted upstairs for the party, so she pulled up with about an hour to spare before the rest of the guests were to start arriving. 

She let herself inside, the only sounds in the house was music that sounded like it was from the Gatsby soundtrack itself. It was odd that she didn’t even hear the kids running amuck, let alone Gen putting the finishing touches on everything. 

“Hello?” Her voice was tentative as she grew a bit worried at the silence. She stepped around the corner as she headed towards the kitchen, running smack into Jensen. 

“Ah, fuck.” She exclaimed, her heart racing as she stumbled backwards. “Why the fuck didn’t you say anything?” She growled as she tried to focus on slowing her breathing once she regained her footing.

“I didn’t hear you, I just came in from outside.” Jensen pointed over his shoulder towards the large windows that lead outside. She could see Genevieve checking the chicken coops in her flapper gown that was remarkably similar to the one that Y/n was wearing. Her gaze cast across the expanse of windows to also see Jared running around with the kids in the grass. 

“Hmm,” she hummed, deciding she couldn’t be mad at him for that, no matter how much he had startled her. She brought her attention back to him as he shuffled around her.  She took in his tuxedo, minus the jacket, the bow tie hanging untied around his neck. “You’re here early?” She noted. 

“Been here, for a few days.” 

“Oh?” 

“”M working on remodeling my home and Jared offered for me to stay in the guest house instead of a hotel.” Jensen explained, his voice monotone as he did. She narrowed her eyes at him as she took in the thin line his mouth was set in and the wrinkles in his forehead from his furrowed brow. 

“That was nice of him.” The words slipped slowly from her as she tried to assess what was bothering the man across from her. Jensen shifted his weight from foot to foot as he scratched his fingers in the beard that now adorned his face in his absence from work.

“It was. Listen, we’ll talk later, yeah?” He looked back over his shoulder before continuing past her and into the house without waiting for her response. 

“Sure… I guess.” She mumbled before continuing to the backyard. She continued past Shep and Tom playing in the grass and went over to where Jared now stood, pushing Odette in a swing. 

“Hey, smalls.” Jared gave her a warm smile when he noticed her heading his way. 

“Hey. So, I just ran into Jensen inside and he seems a little miffed, you know what that’s about?” She leaned against the wooden railing of the swings, unable to get his expression out of her mind. She had never seen him like that before, and he had never been that curt with her either. It was selfish, but she couldn’t help wondering if she had done something to make him mad at her. What that something may have been, she couldn’t rack her brain for it, and she hoped maybe it was something else.

“Hmm, no. I know he’s been stressed about the work going on at his house lately though.” Jared offered her with a shrug. Something about the way his eyes flickered from her when he gave his possible explanation set her on edge. His nonchalance about was even weirder. Jared and Jensen spent more time together than any other person in their lives, they told each other everything, but he supposedly didn’t know what had Jensen in a mood. She wasn’t buying it. Jared was lying, that much was obvious. He clearly didn’t want to tell her though, and she had to relent that ultimately it was none of her business. It was Jensen’s life and if he wanted to tell her, it was his place and only his place to do so. 

“Alright.” She accepted his answer, for now.  

Clara, the kids’ nanny, arrived shortly after she did. Y/n helped her get the kids settled in upstairs as more guests started arriving before joining the festivities herself. 

She knew many people who were in attendance. There were old friends of the family, a few cousins, and even just some of Jared and Gen’s parent friends. It meant that she wouldn’t be in short supply of people to talk to for the night. It was the perfect escape and her night continued to look up, even if she couldn’t stop wondering what was going on with Jensen. 

She spirited around the house, jumping from group to group and laughing with old friends. Even with her hopes for a great night, the thought that the night would just be a repeat of her last night in Vancouver, especially after the whole debacle with her mother at Christmas, never left the back of her mind. The further the truth slipped from her fears, the more she realized that things could be looking up for her. Could the cloud that seemed to be following her for the past few months finally be dissipating? Maybe it was a sign that good changes were just around the corner? She could only continue to revel in the happiness as long as it would allow her. 

The only thing was, no matter how much hope she had for the future, she couldn’t get Jensen’s sour attitude out of her mind. As the night continued on, she failed to find him anywhere she went in the house. She couldn’t let it go, as much as she reminded herself whatever was going on with him wasn’t about her, she just wanted to clear the air.

In Vancouver, it had seemed that they were becoming good friends, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. She hated thinking that maybe she did something that had irked him. And if it wasn’t her fault, she wanted to be there for him like he had been there for her. After all, that’s what friends do, help pick you up when you are down. 

That proved difficult though when she couldn’t find him anywhere. She had given up after a while, figuring she could talk to him once they were back to work. She slipped away from the crowd to refill her drink in the quiet kitchen. Much to her surprise and relief, she found Jensen alone in the kitchen when she entered it, refilling his own glass. He was completely done up now, his bow tie perfectly center at his collar, and his jacket now on his shoulders. 

“Hey,” She smiled warmly at him. He looked up at her, his own smile weak. “You having a good time tonight?” 

“Yeah.” He answered simply as he rifled through the drink options. 

“Good, good.” She mumbled, trying to come up with something else to say. He wasn’t helping her at all either, so she figured she should just cut right to the chase. “Listen, are you okay? You seem off, like you’re pissed about something…”

Jensen’s head snapped to her, his expression falling as he took in her concerned gaze. “I’m fine.” He stated after a beat.

“Are you sure? It’s just, and I don’t mean to pry, but you haven’t said more than a few words to me, and I thought we were becoming friends, so, if something is on your mind, you know you can tell me, right?” She was rambling, feeling awkward the more her words began to tumble from her mouth. 

“We are friends, Y/n. It’s nothing you need to worry about.” His answer to her question could not have been more vague. Again, he didn’t give her a chance to refute it before he was skirting past her and out of the kitchen, leaving without his drink. She stood there, contemplating what he had said. Even with his reassurance, she did not feel any better about whatever was going on with him. He didn’t seem to want to tell her either. Apparently, they were not as close as she had thought they were, and that hurt more than him being mad at her over some random thing. Her hopes for a new beginning this year were quickly being dashed as the one person that had been able to get her to open up, was pushing her away.

Part 10

Forevers: @spn-impala @22sarah08 @turtlepad @callmekda @chaldei @hobby27 @casualfestivaltrashpainter @cowboysnwinchesters @tranquility-or-chaos @pikabootoyouchu @dawnie1988 @grease222 @frackinawesomeninja @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @polina-93 @clarinette07 @moonlight-babeh @suckerforfanfic @witandnargles @sleepylunarwolf @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan

Et Cetera: @jbbarnesgirl @hillface89 @arses21434 @thevelvetseries @sslater34 @mrsirishboru @smoothdogsgirl @spnfamily-j2 @encounterthepast @facadeformyrealblog  @supernatural-bellawinchester​  @screechingartisancashbailiff @rebeccathefangirl @squirrelnotsam @heartinmyhead1 @1d-killed-me @samsgirl93 @deans-baby-momma @deanmonandnegansbitch @woodworthti666 @supraveng @onethirstyunicorn @heartsaved @know2grow @littlewhiterose @surprisinglysarah @stoneyggirl 

[prettywordsyouleft]

Sage

Summary: Chanyeol had gone to the extremes of warding off the spirit living in his new apartment. What he wasn’t ready for was just how adamant you were to stay.

Pairing: Park Chanyeol x reader

Genre: ghost au / fluff

Warnings: none

A/N: Welcome to the first story in this week’s Haunted theme! This scenario is part of the Frightful October series this month. For more stories in this series, please check the Masterlist below.

Word count: 2674

[Frightful October Masterlist]

Throwing the blankets over his head, Chanyeol hoped this would muffle out the sounds around his apartment. It was fruitless; ever since he had bought his home there had been no way to get a decent night’s sleep. The pattering of feet across the tiles, the opening and shutting of doors, the humming - it would go on all night long. 

Chanyeol would be more understanding if he had a roommate. Or a pet that was allowed to roam freely around the home. Yet he had neither. It was just him in this brand new apartment.

Oh, and a ghost too.

He had figured the place was haunted about two weeks into living here. He had eliminated all the more obvious conclusions, making sure the doors and windows were latched closed before going to sleep, checking in to see if there was any possibility of an infestation of some kind, asking neighbours on the floor above if they were up late at night, and even replacing brand new light bulbs and batteries in appliances - you name it. 

You know, the more plausible reasons for noises around his home. Everything was new for a reason, and he was beyond exhausted from trying to rack his brain for an answer. 

It was from this sheer exhaustion that he found the cause of his night time interruptions. Now desperate, he threw his arms out and shoved the blanket off of his head, whining unattractively due to his lack of slumber. Eyes wide yet miserable, he stared at the ceiling in distaste. “I just want to sleep, would you stop it?!”

He hadn’t been this frustrated with his wording when he first figured it out. Instead, he had been tentative, almost chiding his sleep-deprived brain for even entertaining the idea. And yet, Chanyeol had sat up in his bed, chewing his bottom lip hesitantly before uttering the pressing question. “Is someone there? Knock three times if you are.”

A knock happened as soon as he was silent. Ears listening, a second and third soon followed and he had screamed, leaping up and running out of his apartment, going over to Baekhyun’s in the neighbouring complex and refusing to come back until the morning sun dispelled any chance of shadows. 

He had spent more than enough time hiding out in his friend’s apartment that the purchase of his new home seemed pointless. And it was with that mindset that he was back, now annoyed more than anything else. How dare a spirit come and make themselves at home in his newly built apartment! He had worked all too hard for this place, and he wasn’t prepared to give up without a fight.

The noise only stopped momentarily, perhaps now listening for what he would do next. Instead of the usual humming or running around out there, his mouth fell apart at what he heard now.

A melodic laugh. 

His unwanted guest was now mocking him.

Chanyeol managed to get some sleep into the early hours of the morning, though it wasn’t nearly enough to start his day out with. Even with copious cups of coffee, he was unable to be as productive as he hoped to be at work. Though he was definitely wired on his way home. This didn’t come from the coffee, however, but from what he planned to do.

He wouldn’t allow his haunting spirit to continue driving him out. After all, they didn’t pay rent or even respect his much-needed hours of rest. So he would get them to leave instead. 

Unlocking the door and stepping inside, he walked over to his kitchen countertop, placing down his bags of supplies. For some reason, perhaps because he had established he wasn’t living here alone, he knew he was in the company of his unwanted guest immediately and smiled brightly.

“Time to make this place spirit-free,” he proclaimed confidently, feeling somewhat manic with how excited he was to try all the things he had read online to do.

First, he took to sprinkling salt along the windowsills, ensuring to even do so in his spare bedroom. He then lit an incense stick he had picked up from the store he had gone to for advice after finding out about their services online in his Google search of warding off evil spirits. The clerk had also suggested some cleansing crystals and Chanyeol placed them around his apartment, hoping he had chosen the best spaces to do so. Admittedly, he was feeling a little out of his depth now. Although he had been actively soaking up the advice he received and was willing to do anything, when he got to the final element of lighting up a bunch of sage to smudge around the apartment, his confidence faltered a little. Why was he even doing this? He felt stupid, waving it around now with less enthusiasm. Desperation had led him to this point, but now he wondered if he was just going crazy instead. That there was no spirit keeping him up at night, just an overactive imagination. He was easily frightened, so had he simply scared himself into believing someone was there? That the knocks were something he so badly wanted to hear irrationally or not that he had conjured them himself? Chanyeol grew confused, holding onto the sage mid-air and zoned out with his problematic thoughts.

“Careful,” someone said, and he blinked softly, head tilting towards the warning. “You might burn yourself.”

Shrieking in realisation, Chanyeol pointed the bunch at the apparition before he passed out from the shock.

When he came around, you were staring back at him, your expression concerned. He blinked slowly, wondering if he was actually awake or not. In the evening light, you didn’t look scary at all. Your long tresses fell around you like a halo, and your smile made you seem kind, approachable. Your hand was on his gently and you knelt beside him, knees against his waist. 

It was then he realised just how cold he was. 

“You’re not real,” he murmured and you pouted sadly, your smile evaporating.

“That’s not very nice to say to someone who’s sat beside you all this time. You hit your head pretty hard when you fell. Do you know how hard it was for me to drag this pillow over here for you to rest upon?”

He glanced to the edge of the pillow his head was now placed on and then chuckled. “If I hit my head, then you’re definitely not real.”

“Yet you acknowledge my existence every night,” you retorted, your cherry coloured lips now pursing together with amusement. “You’re a hard human to please.”

Slowly sitting up, Chanyeol glanced at you properly. He noticed the aura of light surrounding you, that along with the coldness of your touch, distinguished you from the living. You were his problematic guest. 

He had to admit, he hadn’t expected you to be so beautiful. 

“What were you even attempting to do? Are you foolish? It looks like you were tricked into buying a whole lot of unnecessary stuff.”

“I’m trying to get rid of you,” he breathed heavily, and you snorted which irked him immensely. Beautiful or not, if you were the spirit causing him to miss out on sleep, he needed you to leave peacefully.

“Well, you’ve gone about this all in the wrong way,” you told him thoughtfully, pointing to the windowsill. “Salt?”

“It keeps evil spirits out.”

You nodded whilst smiling. “It also keeps whatever is already inside here. Shouldn’t you put that up when I’m gone? That being, if I was actually evil.”

He didn’t answer you, though you did smile wickedly with that last part. You then moved over to one of the smoky quartz stones on his bookcase and admired it. 

“That works against negative energies,” he explained and you grinned.

“Hopefully yours will ease up then,” you remarked with a giggle and he gaped at you, connecting it to the one he had heard last night. You turned to Chanyeol, still smiling. “It’s really pretty though. Is that Frankincense?”

He nodded, albeit weakly. You seemed well-versed in these wards. 

“And finally the sage,” you announced, picking up the bundle he had once held. He stared at the floor where it still remained, or at least a bundle did. You admired the one in your hand and then held it out towards him. “I really love sage. It reminds me of my Grandmother. Did the lady at the store tell you all this would get rid of me?”

Chanyeol rubbed at his temples and groaned. “Shouldn’t it?”

“Sure, if I was a bad spirit. But I’m not so it doesn’t affect me. Well, the salt does. It means I’m trapped here, with you. Spirits can’t cross over it after all.”

“You’re not bad?”

You shook your head adamantly. “Do I look evil?”

“You look beautiful,” he breathed, ears now turning pink. Chanyeol then shook off his daze. “Which could be a trap.”

“If I was evil, would I really bother myself with something so trivial as enjoying a home? It was so cold on this lot until they built us a new place.”

“Us?” he repeated and you nodded. “There’s more of you?”

“Well, not in this apartment. This is where my home was once. But Old Maggie is down the hall and Frank is up two floors. There’s even a whole family downstairs!”

Chanyeol vaguely remembered the rumour that a fire had happened here ten years ago. He hadn’t lived in this city then, and there was an overwhelming hush whenever it was raised between residents. He realised now that his new home was once someone else’s. You nodded dramatically. “That’s right! You’re actually a guest in my home. Or maybe, we’re roommates. I like that. In fact, I’ve been using your spare room. It’s nice and quiet in there.”

He snorted at your preference for peace. “It’s not quiet for me.”

“About that,” you eased into it, becoming apologetic. “I’m not quite used to living with someone else. I tend to be a night owl, even when I was alive.”

“You’re telling me, you’re not being a nuisance on purpose but out of habit?”

Clasping your hands together you laughed awkwardly.” Originally, yes.”

“But…”

“Now, I’ve been a little wicked. It’s just that you’re so adorable when you get annoyed! You puff up your cheeks and look much like a child. It’s rather amusing given how tall you are, Chanyeol.”

He wasn’t even ready to question how you knew his name and left it down to being a ghost. You smirked at his avoidance and waited for him to continue. “You’re teasing me on purpose?”

“Well, you asked if I was there and I told you I was. And then you left. You know, it was rather rude of you. I was hoping we could have a proper introduction and-”

“But you’re a ghost and I’m... and I think I’m going insane.”

“I’m Y/N,” you announced brightly, holding out your hand. “An introduction is better late than never. And I doubt you’re going insane, though perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot and I found a handsome stranger in my home, I would question my sanity as well.”

Chanyeol glanced around the room, wondering whether he should laugh or cry. Instead, he got up and made his way down the hallway to his bedroom, climbing under his blankets. You had followed him precariously, your face riddled with worry as he moved around after hitting his head. Before he closed his eyes, he gave you a stern look. “I want to sleep without any interruptions. Can you do that?”

“I no longer need to prove my existence to you so you won’t have to worry about that. When you wake up, you won’t ignore me, will you?”

Chanyeol smiled, nodding in agreement before closing his eyes. 

He hoped this was all a dream.

When he woke up the following morning, Chanyeol felt well-rested. He hadn’t stirred to anything overnight and the house was still silent even now. Smiling, he sat up and admired his bedroom and the morning light infiltrating through the blinds. He was certain you were gone. A beautiful nightmare that had now left and allowed the sun to shine through into his life. He rejoiced with a long stretch before getting out of bed, padding over to the door and across into his bathroom. Washing the sleep off his face, he then looked up into the mirror, smiling happily to himself. 

“Someone had a good night’s sleep,” you enthused and he shrieked, dropping the razor he had just picked up from the counter. Spinning around, he found you grinning at him in the doorway. “Or the crystals are working well on levelling out the negativity in your mood.”

“You’re still here?!” 

You nodded, now offended. “I held up my part of the deal, now you have to adhere to yours. Acknowledging my existence matters to me.”

“Y/N,” he called and you smiled all too happily, stunning him with how lovely you appeared. Shaking off his stupor, he then sighed. “You can’t live here with me.”

“Why not?”

“Well, shouldn’t you be moving on or something like they show in the movies?”

You shrugged. “I’ve tried that but it looks like I’m Earthbound. I don’t mind it, really.”

“Well, I do.”

You fell silent, and Chanyeol was surprised by how guilty he felt. Turning, he reached out for you on instinct, his hand brushing through you and feeling a drop in temperature. He sighed. You stared at him, unblinking and took in a shaky breath. “Try again.”

“Try… touching?” he questioned and you nodded feebly, balling your hands up as if it would give you the might for him to connect with you. Now feeling sheepish at trying to touch a spirit, he attempted again half-heartedly, gasping noisily when he actually caught your arm. “Wait, how... can I do this?”

“I’m not sure really, but I don’t like it when people go through me. It makes me miserable. I’ll try to be quiet at night as long as you accept me here during the day.”

“Well…” he started, your gaze now pleading with him. It was ironic how far he had come in such a short span of time to now be considering the feelings of someone who had been such a nuisance to him all this time. Knowing the reason why softened his heart some and he nodded without too much thought. “We’re roommates?”

You reached out rapidly for his hand and shook it much to his disbelief. “Oh, I’m so glad you accept me! We shall be the best of roommates! I promise I’m not all trouble! I like to clean and will try my best to help you out, although it does take a lot of effort for me to reach into your realm. Much more than you reaching into mine!”

He stared back at you dumbfounded, trying to take it all in. How you could exist, how he could see you now. How you had the ability to pick up copies of things in his home and they still sat where he left them. It was confusing the longer he thought about it. 

Your hand connected coolly with his cheek then and you smiled brightly at him. “Let’s just take it slow, shall we?”

“Slow would be good,” Chanyeol agreed, his heart thumping with your hand on his face. He started to worry that since he had entertained the idea of sharing his home with his now-friendly ghost that he would accept the more obvious attraction he had for you as well.

Taking in a deep breath as you prattled on about leaving him to shave and do manly things in peace, Chanyeol nodded to himself. 

He’d take one day at a time. And if you liked the sage, well, you couldn’t be all that bad.

Perhaps he would find some good from your haunting after all.

_________________

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[moonm0chi]

Life Imitates Art

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Smut / Fluff / Angst (?)// Sub(ish)!Jungkook/ Art Student!Jungkook

Warnings:  graphic language/dirty talk, oral, cum play (if that’s what you’ll call it), masturbation, SLIGHT sub/dom dynamic

Word Count: 10.3K (bc I don’t know what pwp is)

Summary: A friendly favor for your crush develops into something truly sinful when you figure out his muse for his exhibition. 

a/n: only lightly edited b/c it’s 1:30 AM HAHA....this wasn’t supposed to be sub!(ish)JK but idk it just worked; still feel like I’m struggling w/ writing steamy dialogue but oh well. Enjoy! More work to hopefully come, slowly but surely. Please send feedback it’d be greatly appreciated!!! 

You grumbled all the way to the art gallery, adamant in your opposition to being dragged there by your roommate.

“Shut up, we’re already here. Are you going to brood the whole time?” Liz glared at you before pushing the glass doors open.

You’d pouted, clearly having lost the battle a long time ago. You settled on folding your arms defensively and letting out one last exasperated sigh. “Fine, but I still don’t know why you brought me here to begin with.”

Liz’s eyebrows shot up at the absurdity of the question, “You haven’t left the house for anything besides work and the occasional run. You’re starting to get boring, where’s fun Y/N?”

Her words only made you pout further because she was completely right-like most of the time despite your inability to admit it to her.

“Plus,” She continued, “this art show is actually showcasing some of the students pieces.”  

Now it was your turn to raise your eyebrows, “Liz...are you saying that you’re being showcased tonight?! Why didn’t you tell me?” You asked shocked your roommate and closest friend hadn’t told you the good news sooner.

“Well I had wanted it to be a surprise. But it’s only one of my pieces- you know that one of the piggy bank and cut up body pieces being put into it to sho-”

“Yea I know the one.” You’d quickly cut her off before she went on a rant about politics and the economy that you really couldn’t have cared less about.

She rolled her eyes and just dragged you further into the gallery. But somehow in between rooms you’d lost her to the other art students that flocked to congratulate her showcase- a small victory for any struggling art student.

Your rounds through the various rooms brought you to stand in front of one particularly plain portrait. It was a boy clearly standing in front of a mirror but everything that reflected back was dissimilar to what lay beyond the reflection. You scratched your head absentmindedly, racking your brain for what someone could possibly mean to convey with this.

“Alternate realities.” You mumbled, coming to an absurd conclusion. Your imagination ran too far with the image, ignoring the symbolism behind each brush stroke.

“You’d be surprised at how many people have actually said that.” A voice chirped behind you.

You jumped at the intrusion of another voice in the otherwise fairly empty room before turning around. What you’d describe as the typical art student was looking back at you, an amused look written on their face.

You cleared your throat, “So what does it actually mean?”

You folded your arms waiting for an answer. While he formulated a response you took the time to give him a once over. His brown mop of hair was tousled, with hints of pink highlights that had began to fade. He wore circular glasses, and simple white t-shirt with tight black jeans. You tried not to gawk in surprise at the muscularity of his thighs.

He pursed his lips before finally responding, “Life isn’t always as it seems.”

You looked on at him with a doubtful stare, “It took you that long to figure that out?”

He chuckled, “That’s the summarized version….in my opinion.”

You continued to stare in disbelief, “But doesn’t life imitate art?

“At first, art imitates life. Then, art becomes so beautiful life imitates it. But you’ll have to speak with the painter himself if you want any real answers.”  He smirked, his answer made your head spin.

You turned back to the painting and studied it harder believing that if you stared long enough it might reveal its secrets to you.

“The guy must be a cynic, always seeing the worst.” You mumbled while you squinted harder at the painting.

The loud laugh made you watch out of the corner of your eye as Pink Highlights stood next to you now, a wide smile on his face but it irked you, seeming insincere. You studied his side profile, his sharp jawline, long eyelashes, a scar on his cheek. You internally agreed that he was pretty cute for a snobby art student.

His laugh ended with a sigh, “Yea, I guess you’re right. 

And before you could ask further, Liz ran to your side pulling you from your debate. You turned to her, she was buzzing and a huge smile engulfed her face. 

“Y/N you won’t believe it...someone actually wants to buy my painting!”

She’s gripped your shoulders tightly and you smiled back at her good news, “Liz, oh my god..I- that’s so amazing! I’m so proud of you.”

You brought her in for a tight hug. You both giggled, bubbly with excitement.

“We’re going out to celebrate!” She exclaimed and for once you didn’t protest.

Pink Highlights is congratulating her too with a gentle hand on her shoulder. She smiled back warmly with a polite ‘thank you’ and he quickly exited the room.

“Who was that?” You asked.

“Who? Oh, Jungkook?” Liz replied, “He’s a student here...actually...that’s his self-portrait.” She pointed to the piece that’d you been standing in front of with said artist not too long ago.

Your insides buzzed with the new found information. “He didn’t tell me he painted this though.” You said furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

She smiled sheepishly, a sad tint washing over her face, “It might be because he hasn’t painted anything new for a several months. Apparently he’s so uninspired he’s just been re-painting old pieces.”

You nod, biting your lip feeling only slightly guilty for the way you argued with him about the meaning behind the painting. But you had little time to dwell on the thought of the cute and troubled artist before Liz dragged you out into the night air and to the nearest bar for celebratory drinks.

 You’re at the bar, 3 vodka sours deep having a grand old time watching Liz try and flirt with a grad student in her department when your eyes catch a flash of pink. They traveled to a baby pink bomber jacket. You scrunched your eyes in the dimly lit bar before an excited smile flashes across your face.

You jumped off the barstool and shuffled over to Pink Highlights.

“Hey Pinky.” You gently poked him to grab his attention.

He turned his head toward you and a look of amusement washed over his face.

“I highly doubt that you still don’t know my name. 

You rolled our eyes, “J-Jing...no...kook was somewhere in there.” You said making a last ditch effort to remember his name.

His amused face is replaced with a quirked eyebrow as he watched you decipher his name.

“Okay, please stop butchering my name.” He pleaded at your futile attempts.

“Can I call you Kookie?” You asked jokingly but he just shrugged his shoulders, indifferent to the nickname.

You settled into the chair next to him, “Not that you asked, by I’m Y/N.”

You had your head leaning on your palm while you studied his face. The three vodka sours making you a little more comfortable with passing your eyes indiscreetly over his features.

“You’re staring Y/N.” He stated, turning his head towards you again.

“You look nice in pink...but, that’s not why I’m over here despite what you might think.” You quipped.

He rolled his eyes but the smile tugging at the corners of his lips told a different story. He looked at you, waiting for you to speak.

“That painting...that painting was yours. Why didn’t you say anything? And what does it really mean?” You asked eagerly leaning towards him.

He furrowed his brow and his jaw tensed, “It’s a shitty painting, I don’t want people to know me for something like that.” The disgust was evident in his voice as he spoke about his work.

He paused, watching you watch him before he continued, “And the meaning I gave you back at the gallery still stands -  everything isn’t as it seems, it’s usually a lot more fucked up than you think.” He chuckled darkly reminiscing over memories that you didn’t have the luxury of knowing.

“Man...you’re so bitter. What did the world ever do to you, you’re only 21.” You proposed the rhetorical question, and wondered to yourself before you posed your next question, a glint of suspicion on your eye.

“Who did this to you?”

The look on his face, a flash of surprise, anger, and then melancholy told you that you had hit the nail right on the head. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and folded his arms defensively 

“M-my girlfriend...ex-girlfriend.” He started and the look you gave him told him you were expecting more details before you left the topic alone, “we were together for 3 years...and she- she uh- cheated on me for over a year we were together with my best friend.”

You softened when you saw his eyes dim with sadness. You hadn’t expected sadness, you thought he’d be angry at the world or someone not...heartbroken.

You shifted uncomfortably, “So you painted that?”

He nodded, still looking sadly down at the table, “About 6 months ago, the one in the gallery is a duplicate.”

You huffed, feeling angry that he wasn’t, “So why hasn’t your rage and hate fueled some more paintings...I don’t get it.”

He shot his eyes up to yours and looked at you, a mixture of frustration and confusion stared back at you, “Because…I can’t hate them...I loved them both..I just- I can’t hate them alright. And besides I don’t have to explain myself to you!” He defended himself.

Your curiosity peaked but his defensive stature told you that he wasn’t going to be so loose with his personal life with you. You were tired, physically, mentally, and of this conversation that you clearly saw wasn’t going to go anywhere 

You got up and patted him on the shoulder reassuringly, “You should start painting again soon, it was a good painting. See you around Pinky. 

Liz laughed while you told her about your chat, reprimanding you for being so bad with names. In your defense, Pinky was much more memorable.

But as fate would have it, you’d be learning and remembering his name a lot sooner. Your best friend’s car had broken down and it was now your job to pick her up from the shared studio she rented with other students on the other side of campus.

You parked the car and walked up the 2 flights of stairs to the open studio. Tarp lay haphazardly over the linoleum floor and tapestries hung as separators for each artists space. You carefully walked through looking for your friend, trying your best to leave the other students undisturbed.

“Y/N, that you? I’m over here.” You heard Liz yell from the farthest corner of the studio.

You walked toward her when a familiar mop of hair catches your attention. You smiled mischievously and pulled back the tapestry 

“Pinky!” You exclaimed and watched his head just barely poke from the top of the easel. He sighed exasperatedly when he saw you 

“It’s Jungkook.” Was all he said before he dipped his head back to his easel.

You studied the partially painted canvases all around him, all dark blues, reds, blacks- it looked like someone spat melancholy straight onto the canvas. You refrained from mentioning the paintings, sensing that he’d be sensitive to any teasing about his works.

“I didn’t know you painted here.” You said

“I usually don’t but the smaller studio I use downstairs is being used for a photography project, there are weird props everywhere and it creeps me out.” He grunted not even sparing you a second glance.

You nodded silently, continuing your snooping until Liz told you she was ready to go. 

“See you around Pi-Jungkook.” You smiled, satisfied with your remembrance of his name. Out of the corner of your eye you swore he smirked.

With project deadlines creeping closer, you found yourself picking Liz up almost 5 days a week, which to you meant more time to bother Jungkook who had finally started to warm up to you. And you’d be lying if you said that staring at him was a boring pastime. You’d most certainly developed a small crush on him but chalked it up to the frequency you were seeing him.

And it’s one day when you’re casually talking, splayed out on the crumpled tarp that he brings up how he’s finally come up with his end of term project proposal.

“Kookie that’s great!” Genuinely happy that he’s fought through some of the painters-block that’s been hanging heavily over his shoulders. You propped yourself on your elbows and looked towards the easel he sat behind.

He poked his head to the side, a half hearted smile on his face.

“But since it’s so close to the deadline, I can’t get a model, let alone pay them.” He huffed, explaining his road block.

You smiled and bit your lip, “I mean I could help you, I’m always around anyway. Might as well help out if I’m going to be in your space.”

And you swore that your heart stopped the second he looked at you. It’d been the first time a genuine smile lit up his face, the first time you’d gotten a look at his bunny teeth and to watch the light in his eyes flicker on. Your head buzzed and heart sped up at the way heat flooded your body. You smiled back even bigger, happy you were the reason for that look.

“You really wouldn’t mind? I just need you to pose for me with some props so I can get some rough sketches.” He explained enthusiastically trying to convince you.

But you’d been sold the second he had said he needed help.

“Seriously Kookie it’s not a big deal, all my finals are presentations and group projects so I’ve got time to spare.” You chuckled at the excited look on his face.

“So is there like a certain look or something you’re going for?” You asked laying your head back down on the tarp.

“The seven deadly sins.” He replied and your imagination ran wild at what he’d make you do. A blush settling across your face when you realized Lust was one of the sins. You had opened your mouth to start discussing with him but Liz interrupted, a smirk and a knowing look on her face.

“Bye Kookie.” You stood up and gathered your bag, taking out your car keys 

“Oh wait, can I have your number, I want to text you if I need you to bring something and what time to meet me.” He quickly scrambled to his feet.

You exchanged numbers, heart swelling with the thought. So maybe your crush was a little bigger than you let on but no harm if that’s all it was.

Liz eyed you while you both walked to the car, “Falling for the broken artist....I’m shocked.” She said, sarcasm dripping off every syllable.

You jabbed her with your elbow, hoping the blush creeping up your face wouldn’t be a telltale sign that she was right.

“Shut up, I’m just helping with his project. Because that’s what friends do.” You retorted and just got an eye roll back.

“Mmmhmm, and I pose for all my friends when they ask too. You’ve never even posed for me.” She said matter-of-factly to which you mumble a “you’ve never asked…” but you knew she had and that you’d rejected multiple offers.

And despite how boring posing seemed to you in the past, you couldn’t help but feel excited when you knew you’d get to spend more time with Jungkook.

It was going well, even though his eyes on you had heat flaring to your cheeks like a hormonal teenager. You’d gotten through three sins (Greed, Sloth and Gluttony) and he’d told you to meet him in the studio so you could start on Pride 

You’d realized how different Jungkook was when he actually was focusing on something. He pinched his lips together and furrowed his brow deeply.

He didn’t like to talk when he was fully immersed in something so you usually sat in silence, and sometimes studied his mannerisms. He seemed to sigh a lot, he was very hard on himself and you were sure there were more crumpled up sketches that littered the floor than “good” ones after the end of one session. But you liked how passionate he was. The way his hair fell while he bent over his sketch book. The way he mumbled words to himself or absentmindedly scolded you when you moved from being tired. It was a side you felt lucky to see. It was his own kind of vulnerability.

But while you waited in the dimly lit studio another student you sort of recognized, Namjoon you think his name was, pulled the tapestry back and looked at you curiously 

“Oh, didn’t think anyone was still up here.” He stated and you quickly got up from where you sat. You’d been waiting about 45 minutes by now and it was unusual. Jungkook would text you if he was going to be late or if the session would have to be postponed.

“Uh..do you know where Jungkook is?” You asked

He pondered on your questions before he answered, “I think he’s in his studio downstairs. If you’re going down there can you tell him to lock the building up.” He threw you a pair of keys before turning to leave 

You gripped the keys tightly before exiting the studio and walked the flight of steps down. The hallway was dark except for the window at the end that gave off eerie light from the street lamps and the neon sign from a Chinese restaurant. You silently shuffled through the hall, unaware of which was Jungkook’s. You tried each knob until one finally twisted open. 

He must’ve heard the door open because it was mere seconds after you’d stepped through the doorway that a sketchbook was being thrown your way, and not in a warm fashion. It hit the wall right by your head and you jumped, scanning the room for the body that projected it towards you. You walked further into the room only pausing to listen for any sign of life.

“Go away.” You heard Jungkook say grimly.

“Ju-Jungkook? Are you okay?” You asked cautiously.

He chuckled darkly, “Do I seem okay...I doubt it.”

You finally saw him, slumped in the far corner of the room hidden behind a multitude of different sized canvases. Under your feet you saw crumpled pieces of papers, either with holes in them or huge X’s drawn through the sketch.

You swallowed nervously, “What-what’s wrong.”

A sigh and a groan before he answered,  “I hate it all.” The shrill sound of paper ripping sent a shiver down your spine 

You felt your stomach drop, was he saying you weren’t a good enough model. You averted your gaze from his figure and scanned the room. You could see a plethora of paintings with the same girl- different poses, background, and facial expressions but nevertheless it was always the same girl. A pang of jealousy fired through your body. And then anger.

How could he still have so many paintings of his ex when she had cheated on him. You were angry that her face was good enough to produce painting after painting but you could barely help him get through one good sketch before he tore it to shreds.  

You stood there angry at him for no plausible reason which made you even angrier. You huffed and folded your arms. His eyes finally found yours and he quirked his head to the side 

“Why do you look mad?” He asked before his eyes widened like he was coming out of a haze and he checked his phone. Guilt washed over his face, “Y/N I’m sorry I didn’t text you, I just got so angry that I forgot….”

You nodded and turned on your heal. Jealously still pulsed through you and your heart quickened when he grabbed your wrist.

“Wait,” He started looking at the floor before back up at you and biting his lip. You bit your own lip and looked at him expectantly. Hoping he’s say something to ease the heaviness that had started to form in your stomach.

“Can I text you tomorrow about when to meet up?” He asked giving you a small smile and your wrist a reassuring squeeze.

You rolled your eyes, scolding yourself for hoping for the impossible. You rolled your eyes, a small, curt smile plastered to your face accompanied by a nod before you ripped your hand from his grasp and walked out. He stared in confusion and perked up when you came back into the room, hopeful you’d explain your irritated mood. But his face dropped when you just chucked him the set of keys Namjoon had handed you.

And you didn’t even wait for him like you usually did.

After that you tried your best to keep the sessions as professional as possible, saying a polite “hello” and “where do you need me?”, not even attempting at your usual small talk that ended in Jungkook grunting in annoyance before either completely ignoring you or mumbling a “shut up I need to concentrate.”

You’d sit still, mostly mulling over your own thoughts, trying to distract yourself from his intense gaze and the bubbling annoyance at your own stupidity for liking this guys. As soon as he’d relax from his hunched position and place his sketch book on the floor, indicating he was done for the day, you’d be quickly gathering your belongings and making a beeline towards the exit.

The pattern repeated itself until you got a text from Jungkook:

Hey, instead of the studio come to my house to model.

 and bring lingerie if you have any

Your cheeks flared up at the text but you knew it was only because today he’d be sketching you for Lust but it didn’t keep your thoughts from wandering.

And when you arrived at his house, punctual to the second, his eyes lite up in surprise before smiling fondly at you. It always seemed he was genuinely shocked whenever you showed up. You relaxed under his smile just a little at the welcoming look in his eyes. You followed him to a spare room 

He began to explain the look he was going for and so you followed his instructions until he mumbled, “Did you bring lingerie?”

You turned 10 different shades of red as you nodded shyly. He turned around even though he was about to see you in your bra and underwear in a matter of seconds anyway- your heart nonetheless swelled at the kind gesture. But it was also pounding so hard I’m sure once he started to draw you he’d notice 

You stripped, wearing a red lacey bra and panty combo that’d you bought on a whim once during the Victoria’s Secret semi-annual sale but never had the opportunity to show off. And you admit, you jumped at the chance to use it.

You laid back down on the blanket that Jungkook had previously put on the floor.

“J-Jungkook..you can turn around now.” You stared at the ceiling way too embarrassed to look at him. If he was feeling any type of emotion towards your exposed body you felt blessed you didn’t have to see it, afraid his eyes would pass over you in harsh scrutiny.

“Okay, lift your arms above your head...good. And arch your back slightly.” You followed the requests. You stayed perfectly still except for your hammering heart. And it may have been 30 minutes before he cleared his throat and sounded his next request, shy for the first time since you’d started posing for him.

He sighed, pausing to choose his words carefully but then choosing the blunt route nonetheless, “Do you think you could pose naked?”

You look at him for the first time since you’d stripped to your undergarments, a look of disbelief at the questions he had just posed. You swallow thickly, biting you lip as you debate with yourself 

“Look, if you’re uncomfortable with it I could just use old sketches for ref-”

“No, I-uh..I’ll do it.” You hastily replied a wave of jealousy washing over you at the thought of him using his ex's “nudes” to help with his project when he had a perfectly viable girl in front of him 

He nodded and got up, “I need to go get something...uh take your time.” He smiled awkwardly before exiting the room.

You wrung your hands together anxiously, still horrified at the situation you’d just put yourself in. You don’t know how long you’d been lost in your own thoughts of doubt and worry when Jungkook came back to the room.

“Oh..” He said ready to leave again to give you privacy to undress. But you held your hand up stopping him, what was the point he was about to see you naked no matter if he was in the room or not 

You gulped, conscious of his eyes on your figure. You turned your back to him in an attempt to feel less shy. You unhooked your bra and threw it towards the rest of your clothes that sat in a pile by your feet. You squeezed your eyes shut as you quickly took your panties off next and threw them into the same pile. Hugging your arms over your exposed chest you kept your eyes on the floor as you laid back down 

Staring at the ceiling, with your arms still over your chest, legs clenched together tightly in the hopes it’d make you feel less naked you said, “How do you want me?”

It took a few seconds before Jungkook answered sluggishly, clearing his throat, “Same as before.”

You shyly lifted your arms up to the positing before and arched your back again. 

“So...I’m going for a post-sex sort of look...I’m going to spray you with this water…you know to look like sweat. I want to make sure I can draw the sheen of sweat correctly” He said to which you quickly nodded, past the point of embarrassment, completely lost in the shock at what you were doing. The shit you did for this kid, he was lucky you’d become so smitten with him.

You gasped at the feeling of the cold mist over your body from where Jungkook sat. You heard the chair scrape and suddenly Jungkook was standing over you with the spray bottle, wetting your chest liberally.

He smiled sheepishly, “Sorry it’s so cold, I should’ve waited for the water to warm up a little.”

You try your best to feign indifference but a small hiss as the cold water hits your warm skin gives you away. You made eye contact for the first time and fought back your embarrassment to smile at him. If you weren’t so delirious with the overall heightened sensitivity you were feeling would’ve notice the slight flush across his face for sure when he smiled back.

Once he was satisfied that you looked like you had enough post sex “sweat” covering you he began sketching. This time you snuck glances at him, his stare was getting you heated in all the wrong places and your legs began to tremble ever so lightly from clenching them together so tightly.

You glance back at Jungkook and see his brow furrowed, a tell-tale sign of his concentration before he’s pausing to look back at you, you flush at the sudden eye contact. He tugs his lower lip in between his teeth before giving you a look that you weren’t familiar with.

“This is going to sound weird but could you look like you’re..feeling good or something.” You realize the face in a mix of bashfulness and worry that you’ll deny his request.

You stiffen, not exactly sure how to comply with the request. Shyly, overwhelmingly self conscious of his eyes on you, you toss your head back and your mouth forms an ‘o’ as you try to feign a look of pleasure.

“You look like you’re in pain.” He stated matter of factly

You sighed in frustration, lowering your stiff arms from their previous position above your head, “Well it’s hard to actually do when I’m not actually feeling anything. It’s kind of a heat of the moment feeling” You mumbled 

You relaxed your body and propped yourself up on your elbows, the initial awkwardness of being naked slowly fading the longer you laid there. Despite the lack of pleasure you were currently feeling, you were feeling aroused. The beads of water slowly rolling down your chest, the cool air flowing through the room making your nipples hard. You were certainly feeling like Lust.

He pondered on your statement before he answered like it was the most obvious remedy to the predicament, “Why don’t you just touch yourself then?”

Your eyes widened to the side of golf-balls, “What?!” shocked he even had suggested you do something so intimate in front of another person. But deep down, in the back of your mind, you secretly hoped he’d keep asking knowing that you’d eventually bend to his pleads.

He quirked his eyebrow looking completely serious at the suggestion and your own resolve is starting to crumble under his gaze. You really didn’t think you could feel anymore exposed to Jungkook but he had completely shattered that assumption.

You licked your incredibly dry lips and darted your eyes around the room at a loss for words, wanting to say yes but your pride keeping you from doing something so shameful in front of another.

“If you want,” Jungkook began shifting in his seat, the long white button down pulling at his torso, “I could turn around until you’re comfortable, you know...until you get into a rhythm or something?”

He raised his eyebrows expectantly, and you sighed knowing you’d take the bait. You nodded timidly watching as he spun around. You bit your lip as your hand traveled down to your core, not surprisingly you were already wet from both the stimulus from the water bottle and Jungkook’s intense gaze.

You closed your eyes and tried to relax as you began to fondle your breast in one hand and slowly circle your clit with the other. You imagined Jungkook’s’ broad back that was mere feet from your body, and the provocative vulnerability you felt under his gaze.

It was a slow pleasurable build and you weren’t sure when he’d finally turned around but when your hooded gaze swept up to his figure, he was gazing at you just as you dipped one finger into your wet heat. You ministrations stuttered and he gently goaded you on, “Keep going, just like that. 

He sporadically would praise you, the edge of your orgasm too close to even think of stopping now. You’d let out a breathy moan every once in a while or a whimper when you dipped a second finger in an curled it against your g-spot. You were sure to bite your lip if you felt you were going to moan his name, sparing you some shame.

“Just a little longer.” Jungkook could be heard distantly as your head swam in pleasure.

“Ju..ah..kook...go-gonna…” You managed to choke out.

You were so close you could taste it. Your head flung back, your eyes squeezed shut and real sweat began to coat your chest, back and face. You could feel a flush spread across your face and an intense heat build in your abdomen.

He breathed a sigh of relief, clearly having finished whatever he’d been manically sketching 

“Okay, go ahead.” He assured you and you didn’t know you’d been waiting for his approval until those words were spilling from his lips. Those words were music to your ears as you eagerly felt your orgasm wash over you. You chased the high for as long as you could before you relaxed back into the blanket 

He left the room while you recuperated from the intense orgasm coming back with a warm washcloth that you took with a small smile before wiping your sweaty forehead, hands and slick thighs. Shakily, you stood up and began re-dressing. Feeling the tangible awkwardness in the room you still managed to make small talk.

“So, when’s the exhibition?” You asked pulling your jeans up.

“Uuh 2 weeks.” He answered. You saw how antsy he was and you frowned inwardly at how fast he was leading you out the front door once you were fully clothed 

“Okay, I’ll see you-” But the door was already closed having heard Jungkook mumble a lackluster “Goodbye.”

“Around”.” You finished to the closed door.

The next two weeks passed painfully slow. And despite Jungkook had never texted you outside asking for times that would work for modeling sessions, you’d hoped he text you and ask your opinion on some of the pieces he’d been making for the exhibition considering you were the model.

But your hopes were doused when not a single text came your way from anyone besides your mother and Liz. She’d told you that she had met someone and that she’d be getting rides from him to the studio. You were happy she’d finally been successful with the grad student but now all you did was sulk around your apartment. All your friends were slowly being paired off and you were becoming more and more lonely not realizing how much time Jungkook had taken up these past months.

And after his curt attitude the last time you’d met you were positive that your crush was nothing but one-sided. Honestly you weren’t even sure he’d use your poses as reference for the project he’d been working on after his temper tantrum in his studio. The thought made a pit form in your stomach and the uncalled for jealousy flash through you whenever you thought about it.

By the time the exhibition for the students had come around you were actually dreading it, not wanting your desires to be shattered. You didn’t want to know that he’d decided to use past references for all his paintings. Or to see him ignoring you. You missed his smile, his cute bunny teeth, that scar on his cheek, his stupid hipster pink highlights.

“You’re kidding me! You posed stark naked for this kid and you’re not even gonna go see his paintings?” Liz reprimanded you.

You winced at the memory, only slightly regretting telling her that you’d posed naked for him. To which she laughed saying, “Damn you got it bad, didn’t even ask you on a date and you’re already getting naked for the kid.”

You’d blushed at her teasing words and although you didn’t disclose it to her, that’d probably been one of the hottest orgasms of your life. It made your little goody-two shoes self feel dirty in the best way. You often found yourself daydreaming about his gaze on you resulting in a throb between your thighs.

“What if he doesn’t even use me for his paintings?” You addressed your doubts to her out loud.

She sighed, used to your self doubt by now. “Hun, I doubt he’d have made you keep coming back to pose for the last 2 months if he wasn’t going to use them.”

Her matter of fact tone instilled some confidence in you. But you couldn’t deny that there were butterflies in your stomach from the idea of coming face to face with him again 

You bit your lip, weighing the pros and cons of going to the exhibition and in the end, you were being placed in a familiar position- being dragged to the gallery but this time less grumbling and more nervous babbling.

You fidgeted with your fingers behind your back as you walked through the gallery, on high alert for Jungkook’s tousled hair, pink highlights, and circular glasses.

You’re walking aimlessly from room to room casually admiring the artwork of the students.

You stop in your tracks.

Your face heats up before a swell of pride makes you feel like you’re going to burst.

You’re stared, eyes widening, at a painting- it’s called ‘Wrath’.

You’re staring at a canvas of a young woman, hunched over, a knife poised in her hand with blood dripping down in. Two familiar eyes reflected in the knife.

You studied the rest, soon realizing the young woman was never alone, a set of hands, a flash of hair or eyes of another somewhere in the painting.

You came to stand in front of the last image you’d posed for, ‘Lust’ and felt yourself blush, feeling just as naked while you looked at the painting 

The young woman arched in pleasure, naked, a fine sheen of sweat glistening off her skin. But what caught your eye was the set of hands that were roaming her body greedily. You tilted your head confused, unsure of the point of the other character in each portrait 

You studied the painting longer, tilting your head at every angle trying to figure it out. An old man had crept beside you.

“Perplexing set of portraits aren’t they?” The old man said.

You glanced sideways at the man, he held a stack of papers and a knowing smirk on his face. You blushed and averted your gaze to the floor.

“Do you know the concept behind them?” He asked looking at you before shuffling through the papers.

“The seven deadly sins.” You answered.

He chuckled and cleared his throat, “These set of portraits are the story of a cynical man who inadvertently causes the woman he loves to commit the seven deadly sins.”

He hands you the paper which you take hesitantly before he studies you, a wise shine in his eyes, “You must be the lady behind these portraits am I correct?” He quirked his eyebrow and you timidly nod your head.

“I’m Jungkook’s professor for studio art, it’s nice to meet his muse.” He smiled shaking your hand.

You scoff, “I’m not his muse, that’d be his ex-girlfriend.” You stated bitterly, folding your arms.

“I’d advise you to look through his sketches that are required with the project proposal. He didn’t draw all of those in one night. I’ve been teaching him for 3 years now, and it’s so difficult for Jungkook to find anything worth making because once he finds it he can’t stop thinking about it. You’ve been his muse far before he asked you to be his model.”

Your eyes widened at the statement and you found yourself flipping through the pages of his paper, all sketches of you. Different poses, background, and facial expressions but nevertheless it was always the same girl- you.

You found yourself biting back a smile.

You looked back at the man, “Is Jungkook here?”

“I’m sad to say that he is not, he had said that today was the deadline to clear out the studio space he rented.”

Your shoulders slumped in disappointment. But your inner-Liz gave you a small pep talk and you took matters into your own hands.

You found your friend quickly who was leaning against her new boyfriend, Namjoon.

“Hey,” You said breathlessly, heart pounding with excitement, “I’m gonna go I have to go do something.”

She glanced down at the paper in your hands, sketches on display and a smirk played across her face. She clasped your shoulder and squeezed giving you a small nod to go pursue your man 

The small gesture gave you enough strength to continue on your quest, getting into your car hurriedly and zooming well over the speed limit to the studio.

You ran to the building, your whole body buzzing as you prayed that a) the building was unlocked and b) that Jungkook was still in fact here. You sighed in relief as the door easily pulled open and you shoes pounded against the steps loudly as you made your way up the two flights.

Your chest burned as you sped towards the plain white door to the studio that Jungkook rented. You stilled in front of it, heart pounding and butterflies forming in your stomach. You gripped the doorknob. It turned- a sign that it was unlocked 

The room was a lot emptier than when you’d seen it the first time. You glanced at the corner where he’d been slumped, and your lips tightened bitterly at the memory. You rounded into the second part of the room and your eyes landed on his turned back, feelings of shame and embarrassment bubbled in you as you remembered your last encounter 

Not that it wasn’t really hot that he watched you get yourself off, and that he’d made you his muse but there were certainly more conventional ways to let you know he could possibly like you. You rolled your eyes- typical art student theatrics.

He turned around, struggling to hold the various sized canvases in his grip and froze when his eyes landed on you. They expanded to the size of saucers in shock.

You smiled smugly, no reason to be coy in such a situation. You held the paper that his professor had given to you up so he could see that you knew his dirty little secret.

His gulp was audible, or maybe it was so obvious that you swore you could hear it.

You hadn’t really thought ahead of time in the frantic rush to get here what exactly you were going to say to him and so you blurted out the first thought that creeped into your mind, “I thought you still loved you ex.” You weren't quite sure if it was a question or a statement.

His eyes widened even more in shock, clearly not understanding just how deep your intuition went.

He set the canvases up against the wall any chance of peaking at what they were foiled when he made sure the actual image was facing the walls. He cleared his throat and for the first time you didn’t see a stereotypical, hipster, art student. He wasn’t wearing a mask of half annoyance and half amusement like he could care less what happened like he usually did. He opened his mouth and a worried expression quickly settled over his features as he desperately struggled to find the words 

“I….I was.” He stated, emphasis on the ‘was’.  He scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly and you took the moment to admire his outfit- all black. God did he make it look good.

He looked back at you sheepishly and quirked his head as if to say here goes nothing, “I was struggling so hard to draw, couldn’t find anything worth drawing and then I started drawing you..I could remember your features so easily….and then I only wanted to draw you. That’s when I told you about my project. If you hadn’t offered to be my model I would’ve asked.”

You nod, slowly processing everything, “What about all those sketches you ripped up, you said you ‘hated them all’.”

He hummed in remembrance before a light chuckle left his lips. He bit his lip unsure before he answered, “I hated how I couldn’t draw you perfectly.” His gaze slowly dragged back to your eyes. A sincere smile on his face that made your heart beat just a little faster than it was already was.

“You’re still quite the cynic.” You commented with a snicker, referring to his paper and the topic of his showcase, “I saw that one, your hands all over me.” You quirked an eyebrow.

He laughed uncomfortably and you watched his face blush. “I...I’m s-”

“Sorry? Hmm...should’ve told me that sooner. Were you even going to contact me? Even after you watched me touch myself...for your benefit might I add?”

You walked closer, you wanted to tease him. You liked seeing him flustered, the opposite of his usual stoic mask. And you were frustrated, a little hurt also to say the least. There were some true questions that lie under your taunts.

“I...I was going to come to the show...talk to you then.” He swallowed and licked his chapped lips and he watched you stalk closer to him. He shut his eyes, seeming to hone in on any courage he had and said as confidently as he could, “Your body, is the best inspiration I’ve ever had. I stayed up for hours painting after you’d left that day.”

You hummed as you placed a hand firmly against his chest and pushed, backing him into the wall.

“Is that really all you did? Is that why you kicked me out so quick, so you could paint?” You asked, tilting your head and feigning innocence. But the air was heavy with tension, ready to crack at the slightest misstep.

His eyes darted around the room, flitting to yours before he hung his head towards the floor. The night outside was coming quickly once the sun started setting but you could still make out the faintest blush across his face. You blushed as well, the unspoken words causing heat to swirl in between your thighs 

“Jungkook.” You whispered, your hand still firmly on his chest felt his heart pounding just as fast as ours, and your other hand cupped his jaw.

He slowly made eye contact with you, his doe eyes showing expectancy as they spared a swift glance to your lips. He inhaled deeply, his mouth parted. Your hands snaked into his hair- something you’ve fantasized about doing since the moment you laid your eyes on those stupid pink highlights. You played aimlessly with it and you felt the hot breath from his satisfied sigh run over your face 

That’s when his arms, that had been hanging limply by his sides, timidly fell to rest gently on your waist. He searched your eyes for a reaction that may have showed your dissatisfaction but you bit your lip instead to hide the smile that would've probably split your face in two.

You push yourself up on your tiptoes and tilt his head for easier access and gently press your lips to his. You feel his hands grip you tighter and pull you closer. You melted into the kiss. It was so satisfying and you just want to keep kissing him, over and over and over. And all you could think about was his warm tongue and the moans he’d let out the closer you pushed into him. You felt his large hands begin to slide down your body, arriving to the curve of your ass. 

Breaking from the kiss, a small whimper sounded from Jungkook and he chased after your lips for more but you stopped him with a firm press to his chest. You licked your lips, feeling how tingly they felt.

You gripped his hands and pulled them off you taking another step back to farther yourselves. You studied him, he was leaned up against the wall for support, his breath was ragged, veins bulging from his forearms at how warm you both were getting 

His disheveled hair, wrinkled shirt, and jeans so tight you’d believe if someone told you they’d been painted on. You smirked and more heat pooled in your groin when you saw the obvious outline of Jungkook’s semi.

“Did you jerk off when I left your house?” You asked outright, sick of beating around the bush and too drunk from the kiss you’d both just shared to care about the lack of discretion.

He sighed, “Yea…” an apologetic tone in his voice.

Your core pulsed as you said the next words, “Show me.”

His hands slowly came to rest on his belt before looking back up at you, ‘are you sure’ written all over his face.

You bit your lip eagerly and nodded to encourage him further, “It’s only fair Kookie.” You pressed 

He nodded in understanding, his hands slowly unbuckling his belt. You rubbed your thighs together, his veiny hands and the seductive picture of him unzipping his jeans enough to start aching for friction between your legs.

He looked up at you through his fringe, when he pulled his pants and boxers down simultaneously. You gulped back a moan. His dick was definitely hard than when you’d first asked him to show you but not yet fully hard 

You raised your eyebrows, “Go ahead.” You pushed on, “Show me what you did after I left. 

A devilish grin met his gaze - a mixture of lust and timidity. He grabbed his shaft and immediately his head was knocking against the wall. After a few pumps he shyly opened his eyes and looking directly at you spat into his hand before stroking his hardening length.

By this point your panties were sticking to you with arousal and you were itching to be touched. But you kept yourself planted. Kept watching.

He started to moan and you could tell his dick was very hard by this point. The head flushed- the same color as his lips that were being assaulted by his teeth in vain attempts to quiet his voice.

The veins in his neck began to stand out, and you began to move forward. He stopped pumping his length and lifted his head when he heard your footsteps.

You stopped your advance, “Did I say you could stop?”

He immediately started again, no questions asked but kept his gaze turned to you 

You were now close enough to read out and touch him, just before you were chest-to-chest you moved to his side and began to nip and suck at his neck.

A deep groan erupted from his chest. “Y/N.” He choked on the rest of his words and you could tell by the faster movements he was coming to the end.

“Stop.” You whispered.

He whined, only slowing down but not completely stopping.

You grabbed the hand that was wrapped around his shaft, “I said stop.”

He whimpered, having come to a complete halt now. His cock was an angry red color, having been so close to release.

You back up from his once again, staring- his face glistened with the beginning traces of sweat, cock on full display. You began to undo the wrap dress you were wearing watching Jungkook’s lust filled expression follow your every move.

Once the dress you had on was discarded and you were only in your undergarments you ordered Jungkook to strip which he abided by eagerly. You approached him once more, and ghosted your fingers over his toned chest 

You sighed at his warm skin under your fingertips. “You’re so beautiful.” you smiled up at him appreciatively.

He blushed and whispered back, “Not nearly as beautiful as you.”

Your fingers snaked but up to his face and brought him in for another kiss, much more fervent than the first. He pulled back and held your foreheads together, “Y/N…” He licked his lips and his voice pleaded for something that wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

You looked up at him, “What?....show me, show me what you want.”

You stepped back and watched as he fell to his knees like a desperate sinner in church and slid his calloused palms along your legs before looking up at you like a puppy begging for food.

You just nodded, letting him spread your thighs further apart and slid your panties off your legs.

He inhaled sharply, “You’re so, so fucking beautiful…” and he finished the statement by attacking his lips against your clit, kneading the flesh of your thighs adoringly.

Your hand fisted into his hair and exhaled a moan your felt you’d been holding in since you stepped into the studio.

He licked harshly, “So good….so beautiful….You’re such a fucking goddess” He’d say in between licks.

His praise and intense licking has your legs shaking. He twirled your body around by your waist so you were leaning on the wall before he hooked one of your legs over his shoulder and sunk a little lower on the floor to get better access to your dripping core.

You moaned and tugged on his locks sending a groan through his body and straight to your clit. You gasped when he slowly put two fingers into your heat, “Jungkook.” You dragged his name out in a moan 

He looked up at you, eyes big as a baby deer, the deepest affection present in them.

He pulled away from your clit for a moment and broke into the biggest smile- the kind you’ve only seen him wear when he spoke about art, “I could do this all day.”

The transparency and sincerity of the sentence had you flushing a deep red. At a loss for words you grabbed his head and pushed him back into your heat.

“Stop talking and make me cum.” You commanded, struggling to bite back a smile that you were sure Jungkook could hear in your voice.

He nodded, re-attaching his lips to your clit and pumping his fingers faster into you. You whined, beginning to rock your hips against his tongue. He curled his fingers brushing against your g-spot and you clenched around his fingers.

“R-right there, keep going Kookie..” You managed to spit out before shoving his face further into you.

It didn’t take long after he found your g-spot and with his mouth on your clit before you came around his fingers. He pumped into you, letting you relish in your high before he slipped them out and began to lap at your release, only stopping when you whimpered and tried to push his head away. He placed feather light kissed to your inner thighs before sitting back.

You shuddered at the pure lust behind his eyes while he cleaned his fingers of your release before you found yourself looking at his very hard length. The vein on the underside prominent and the color even deeper than before. You saw pre-cum oozing out of it and you clenched at the thought of feeling him inside of you .

“Lay down.” You said. He obediently laid on his back propped up on elbows. You straddled his thighs soon after and rid yourself of your bra. He tentatively raised himself farther and ran his tongue over your erect nipple.

You shut your eyes reveling in the feeling of his tongue, a whine coming bubbling in your throat and warmth swirling in your core when his teeth nipped at your sensitive bud. His head traveled to the other nipple, repeating while slowly massaging the other tenderly.

You carded your hands through his sweat hair and slowly pushed him back down by his shoulders. You delicately took his shaft in your hand. Your small hand wrapped around his larger shaft made Jungkook groan loudly, which turned into a drawn out whine as you pumped him a few times and swiped your thumb over his tip before you brought your thumb to your lips.

“Shit, you’re making me go crazy.” His forearm hung over his face as his complains came out more desperate than annoyed.

You slide up his thighs until your heat was grinding back and forth over his shaft spreading your discharge all over his length. Another low rumble sounded from his chest.

“Jungkook, look at me….tell me what you want.” You grabbed at his arm when he didn’t move it 

He looked at you. His eyes were filled with pure lust, hooded, glazed over, and blown out.

His face was serious nonetheless, hair sticking to his face, a few beads starting to gather around his neck and chest.

“I want you to ride my dick until you’re cumming all over it.” He said breathy

With that you sunk down on him, the slide easy from your own arousal. You hissed at the stretch, never having taken any as thick as Jungkook before.

You pressed your hands onto his chest to steady yourself, “Jungkook, you’re so big…” You said through gritted teeth before you elicited a whine.

He just looked at you, your face both pleasure and pain, his eyes wide with your comment. You felt him twitch inside you.

“P-please don’t say that again...I really almost just came in you.” He declared

“I can’t believe this is happening, you’re so beautiful...amazing..I don’t even know how this is ha-” His rambling stopped when you started to swivel your hips in circles. He groaned loudly and laid your hands lightly on your hips.

Then you slowly began to bounce on him, setting the pace. Moans, whimpers and pants were all that could be heard between the both of you. But as you felt your second orgasm start to near your legs tightened in exhaustion.

You whined, “J-Jungkook..” You childishly pounded on his chest playfully while you pouted 

He seemed to get the message as he started to help, meeting your hips halfway. Your jaw when slack at the change in speed, the way he was filling you in a new way.

“So...so good” You groaned

He repeated your statement in agreement. “I’m so close…” He stated

“Don’t come yet.” You commanded despite his protests. You leaned, hovering your chest over his.

“Kookie, where do you wanna come huh? My mouth? Tits? Maybe inside of me?” He shook his head in protest to all your suggestions 

You slowed down and swatted his hands away from your hips so you were in total control, making sure you were slowing down his chase to orgasm, “Then where?”

“I-I don’t...I would never come anywhere on you. I’d never defile you like that.” He looks away, a look of disgust on his face from even thinking about it.

“Jungkook,” You grab his jaw and force him to look at you, and start to ride him agonizingly slow, “Where do you want to come?”

He doesn’t respond, his eyes just flicker to the canvases and it dawns on you.

“You want to come on one of your paintings? Never thought you were such a dirty boy.” You lean down and lick at his lips and he complied by opening his own mouth. The kiss is just as dirty as Jungkook’s fantasies.

“Okay...but I get to choose the painting.” You agree to his dirty desire.

“Wha-” He begins to disagree but then you stop riding him altogether. He whined.

“If you want to come at all, you’ll do whatever I want.” You smile sweetly, grinding on his dick.

He grunts but nods his head and before he can verbally confirm your wishes you’re already bouncing at a faster pace again.

You replace his hands on your hips and let him slam back into you, almost yelping in pain as he brushes against your cervix.

You shut your eyes tightly, “Please, please keep going I’m gonna-”

A soundless scream left your mouth wide open and you felt yourself start to clench around him. You still your hips and clamp around his dick a few times before moving again, trying to ignore the sensitivity 

“You gonna come you dirty boy...hmm...ready to come all over one of your paintings yet. Mmmm so filthy, I can’t believe how filthy you can be.

Who knew something so beautiful was so. Fucking. Filthy. ” The dirty words that filtered into his head was enough because he was roughly lifting you off his dick.

You scrambled to his feet and saw a half-finished piece. It hadn’t even finished drying. You could tell it was a project he’d given up on but you could also decipher that it was a sketch of you. You grabbed it and laid it on the wall.

You motioned him over, standing to the side and began to jerk off.

“N-no, I c-can’t do this to a picture of you. It’s..n-no.” He furrowed his brow in protest but kept still as you pumped his shaft.

“Come on Kookie, you’re gonna make this painting so nice with your pretty cum. It’ll mmix with the colors, it’ll be a masterpiece after that.” You cooed sweetly, peppering kisses along his skin.

He threw his head back and let out a guttural groan before warm spurts of semen were shooting onto the canvas.

His breath was labored, eyes still shut in euphoria. You let go as his cock softened 

You nudge his cheek with your nose affectionately. “Kookie, look...look how pretty.”

He cracked his eyes open and blushed when he saw you swirling his cum with the semi-wet paint. He buried his face into the crook of your neck embarrassed. 

“I can’t believe I let you make me nut on one of my paintings.” He said into your neck.

“I can’t believe you wanted to….but it was really fucking hot in a twisted way.” You laughed soothingly petting his hair. You lifted his head and looked at him seriously, “But next time, please just come on me…” This time you blushed at your confession, “I-I want you to defile me.”

“So I’m not the only dirty one.” He gripped you tightly into his chest before pressing kisses to the crown of your head.

“Jungkook! Stop drawing me and hang out with me.” You complained when you realized he hadn’t heard a word of what you had been saying.

He sighed placing the sketch book down and giving you an apologetic glance, “Just as I was getting in the zone.” 

You pouted, “I’m your muse, do as I say.” You stomped childishly.

He got up and laughed at you, before you circled his arms around your waist. “What do you wanna do Y/N? 

“Liz is being showcased at the gallery again and we should...no, have to, show our face.”

He groaned, “No, don’t wanna. I wanted to paint tonight. Plus some weird and cynical art student might try and hit on you.” You could feel the smirk against your head as he mumbled his protests into your hair.

You huffed in frustration, “No, not gonna happen. Apparently I only like cynical art students who have pink highlights.” You wiggled from his embraced and ruffled his hair, with fresh pink highlights.

Once you’d a grumbly Jungkook to the gallery and exchanged your congratulations with Liz, you began to wander the gallery with Jungkook.

Your gaze fell on a painting that had you biting back a smile. A boy and girl holding hands, in front of a mirror. Their reflections identical, from the stupid pink highlights to the adoration shared between them. You thought you saw Jungkook smirk. 

The painting was called ‘Art imitates Life’.

[thelifeoftuan]

Take

Give and take. As some people may have gleaned, there has been something “off” about me, and it has gotten pretty noticeable. Yeah. News flash, y’all, something about me has always been “off.” People sadly don’t notice it until it becomes something of the sort of a physical manifestation... like a now-visible tumor. I’ve been feeling extremely down lately. It’s like most of my days are filled with this vague, grey feeling. Apart from work, I spend most of my days just laying in bed. A lot of times, I’m sleeping (trying to sleep). Naturally because I’m tired. ...but ironically, unnaturally, so. If that makes any sense. I know enough, just from my own personal history and my training thus far, that my symptoms have been consistently pushing towards a more severe spectrum of depression. I’ve dealt with this before. Actually, to say “dealt” means that I effectively handled it, which, again, as we all know, is the furthest thing from the truth. I know this goes in the opposite direction of any sort of recommendation, but I have been trying my absolute hardest to rack my brain around this problem I’ve been having. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been feeling this way. I know when people look at me or read between the lines, they can tell. Even from just looking at my face and my demeanor, if they catch it at the right moment, they can tell. Something about me has changed. And that something has worsened. But be it taboo or discomfort or simply lack of caring, they never really want to say what that “something” is. But let’s be honest, we all know what’s happening to me. It’s always like this. I always feel like I’ve fallen into this glass box filled with water and I’m drowning, and everyone can see that I’m drowning, but no one does anything. Some people watch. Even worse, others simply pass on by. “You shouldn’t feel like this. You don’t have any reason to. You’re almost done with residency. You kicked ass. You have a job in your dream city. You’re a success story. Why do you feel this way?” Whether I think these thoughts to myself or I conjure them up as what others would say if I ever talked to anyone about how I have been feeling, that has really been one of the main factors of why I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this... because I’m afraid they won’t understand. Or worse. They won’t listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am well aware all of this is some sordid irrationalization. But can you blame me? I’ve gotten burned multiple times... and I’d rather not go through that again. So I isolate myself. ...but isn’t isolation what got me in trouble in the first place? ... ... ...so you see the predicament I’m in? If there’s one word I can use to describe as accurately as I can how I’ve been feeling, it would have to be empty. I feel empty. Like there is nothing there. Nothing left. And it’s a harrowing feeling. I know that it’s not true to feel that I am worth nothing and that I mean nothing. ...but I just can shake this feeling. At first, I could not understand for the life of me why in the world I have slumped into this phase. But now I think I’ve begun to see where things went wrong which, as this should come to no surprise to anyone, I have reached this conclusion many times before. It’s not like this is new to me. ...but regardless, it is still distressing. I think the trickiest thing with residency, and being a doctor in general, is to not lose yourself in your work. I think that’s why there are so many “wellness” initiatives out there these days and why it’s an ACGME requirement to have a wellness curriculum built in for residents (and attendings, for that matter), because burnout is a real thing. It’s a real and dangerous thing. A physician who is unwell cannot take care of patients. It’s been scientifically studied and proven. And physicians are some of the worst groups of people to fall trap to losing themselves in their work and neglecting their wellness. Even before I started my medical career, even before I started medical school, I kinda fell trap into these slumps. And each time, you can trace the root of the problem to the same conclusion that I have gathered this time around. I spent too much of my time and energy caring about everyone else instead of myself. Yeah. Surprise, surprise. What a shocker. ...This isn’t a new concept. Part of me gets real riled up and pretty pissed, mostly with myself, because I, for some godforsaken reason, have found myself in this horrible slump so many times over, you would think I would learn by now. It really irks me just how much I have not learned my lesson after so many times. ...I do want to take a brief discourse though and try and defend myself and entertain the idea that I am not completely guilty for what exactly happened to me (although we all know that that is wishful thinking). A lot of the things I did as a resident, and as chief resident for that matter, I did for the betterment of my program. Often times, my execution of tasks may have been a little skewed--skewed in the way where I would put a lot of the workload on myself so that I can spare that same or often even a fraction of the workload from my colleagues. I didn’t do it for any praise or thanks or merit. I did it out of the kindness of my heart. That is the honest truth. There were a lot of instances where I could have been completely apathetic, put myself and my health and well-being first, and had others--especially those of my colleagues infamous for bitching and whining about how hard they have to work and how tough/unfair their schedules were--to suck it up and “do your job” and “do as you’re told.” But literally every time, I opted to choose the path that would cause the least amount of damage... for others. I would take the tough shifts and the tough months. I signed myself up for an extra month of wards so that my colleagues would not have to do more than what they believed was expected of them (because trust me, what is actually expected of them is completely different). But regardless, though it’s an assumptive statement, it can be said with accuracy that if other said candidates were put in my shoes, they would not have done the same thing. I can just hear it now, just how much other people would have complained and whined and thrown a fit if they even did a fraction of the work I did, even just this past year. Hell, EVEN JUST THIS PAST WINTER! I don’t want to revisit the whole Winter Jamboree business, nor do I want to sound excruciatingly petty or whiny. But honestly, one of the things that frustrates me is that working adults my age and older could not get their shit together or even put their selfish motives aside for just one goddamn second to recognize that they have a bigger responsibility and it’s not always about them. And it frustrated me even more that I let that affect me so much, not just with how I ended up feeling about these people and about residency, but my decisions, especially as chief resident! It was like these mofos took advantage of me. And I let them. And I don’t even know why I did it. Because honestly, if it were the other way around, these select characters would never have shown me the same courtesy. To stack on top of all this, the even more important matters were my responsibilities as a physician and to my patients and to my work. A lot of people are under some variation of the misconception that senior residents have it easy or that pediatrics is one of the easier specialties. It honestly is not. My training was exhausting as a first year resident. And it only got worse with the subsequent years. But despite that, I persevered. I wouldn’t say that I carried the roles 100% correctly, but I feel like throughout these past three years, I did my training justice and made the most out of it like I was supposed to in order to become the best pediatrician I could possibly be. Other people might not have the same mindset and they’re comfortable with skating through, not following the rules (or even blatantly and openly breaking the rules), and choosing the easiest path with the least amount of work. But that’s just not me. And maybe that’s a big fault of mine. Who the hell knows? Maybe I should be as selfish as these ingrates who think their shit don’t stink because they’re a fucking doctor. ...I don’t know, is that the attitude we’re supposed to have as physicians? I don’t think so. I see my role as the devoted servant who is so fortunate to be granted these opportunities to make a difference in people’s lives, save and heal, empower and protect, prevent disease, and nurture these precious young lives I’ve been charged with caring for. That’s my job. That’s my role. That’s my duty. I don’t see why anyone in medicine would think any differently. That’s not to say that I am the epitome of the definition or that I am some sort of saint for what I did, because I know that there have been numerous, numerous occasions where I took the wrong step and have made mistakes and faltered. But through it all, I felt that it was my responsibility, my obligation, to provide to the best of my ability the care that I think my patients deserve and the work and effort that I think my program deserves. But I think in doing so, in doing all of that, in my failed endeavors of pursuing fellowship, in completing the four toughest rotations of residency during the busiest and toughest winter I’ve ever experienced followed by an absolutely horrendous rotation the month after, in the stress of trying to find a job, in the frustration of dealing with other people who are selfish and inconsiderate, in the strain of being chief resident... I lost myself. Again. I had put my life on hold for so long, and after all of the fatigue and abuse (sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes not) I endured... I honestly feel like there was nothing left of me. I was empty. I am empty. I finished my adolescent rotation, the absolute worst rotation of my entire career, Friday, March 29, jumped straight into a 24-hour shift on Saturday, March 30 into Sunday, March 31... and when I got home that morning and after I awoke from my stupor, I sat there all day with the realization that I had trouble feeling anything. I truly felt and feel empty. I know that I “shouldn’t” be feeling this way. I have secured a good job following residency in a city that I am excited to live in. I have light rotations for the remainder of my residency training. I am almost done with 24-hour shifts and mommy calls. My vacation and road trip is finally coming up. I really have no business feeling this way. ...but I still do. Maybe when I finally go on my vacation and road trip, I’ll rediscover myself again and breathe some life back into my soul. I feel like for so long, I have given so much, so much of myself, to other people and to my job and to my patients and to my future and calling, that I forgot to save a little bit for myself. That’s the thing not only about being a physician or a resident but about life in general is that it’s a give and take. People who take all the time don’t succeed. And honestly, people who give all the time don’t do so hot, either (exhibit A). I love my job. I truly do. It has been the one true aspiration of mine to become a pediatrician. And I am so, so effing proud of myself that I have made it this far and that the dream I have worked so hard to achieve is finally coming true. It was an effing difficult journey getting there, with so, so many setbacks and failures and perils. But damn it, I made it. And I feel that what I am doing is the most meaningful and impactful thing I can ever do, and I cannot imagine myself ever being anything else except a pediatrician. ...but lately, I’m just not sure if it was worth everything that it took from me. It’s just the most depressing thing... to feel like this, to feel empty. To have made it this far and to come up, well, empty. I feel like a big part of me is wrought with this sense of guilt and failure that I let things slip this far. I am not a martyr. I am not a saint. I am just some poor sap who really cannot regulate his emotions or find that balance between his sense of duty and sense of self. I am that hapless fool who continually runs into the wall, putting other people’s well-being and happiness far before my own and suffering because of it. And I should really stop that. Maybe those select and irritating colleagues of mine have the right idea. ...actually, no. I’d never advocate for anyone, nevertheless a physician, to act and behave the way those mofos did. But my advice would be this. Don’t just give. Don’t forget to take. There is a part of life, an important and essential part too, somewhere tucked within the deadlines and long work hours and sleepless nights and stress where you are supposed to take something for yourself. There is a balance. And that’s what life is all about. Balance. Things fall out of balance and you end up suffering the consequences like me. I work myself down to the bone and end up shattered into a billion pieces. And now I have to put myself back together again. And that is always a more harrowing task than we would like to think. I feel like I have given so much to this life. It’s time I take some of it for myself as well. I deserve it. Anyway, I just needed to get these thoughts out into words. You know me. These days, I feel like I’m really all I have to depend on. Some days, it’s comforting to know that I have made it this far and can handle things on my own now. And then there are times like this where I feel like it would nice to sit down and talk this out with someone who would be willing to listen.