#i was so obsessed with cars for a kid who actually had zero interest in vehicles

[collectivecloseness]

Not to be one of those "I can fix him" type person but I honestly think that if kurt had gotten a significant other (or a friend) the whole spree thing wouldn't have happened because I think that the killing was not only about the views but also because he was lonely and didn't have anyone that cared about him

I’m going to be upfront about this now, but my answer is coming from a place of actual character analysis, rather than a ficcy answer, because it’s my honest opinion.

If you’d seriously befriended or gotten into a relationship with Kurt two, maybe a year, earlier, yes, you could have changed things. If it’d been some months earlier, no.

We see London being nothing but nice to Kurt. Giving him physical affection, flirting with him, being genuinely nice. I believe the writers put her there as a show of this. Hey, to anyone who might be attracted to Kurt at this point in the film, or feel bad for him, thinks he would only kill those who are bad, or thinks I can fix him, this character, half way through the film, is to show that no, you couldn’t. Someone nice and trying to connect with Kurt, treating him not like a loser, touching him, genuinely treating him like a human, or even like a potential love interest, is not an exception. It’s to really expand on Kurt’s character.

You saw him killing a white supremacist asshole first. Then some woman who you never really get to know, they imply her to be rude, but actually she doesn’t really do much wrong. If we’d known her character, we wouldn’t think she deserved to die, but she doesn’t get as much direction on her specifically, and we’re close to Kurt, so we don’t care. Then another asshole that he kills, and in a funny way, after defending a woman’s honour beforehand, and with Bobby, another asshole, goading Kurt, you want him to succeed with a triple KO, show that hey he is seriously doing all this, and people should be watching, because he’s actually doing something incredible. Bad, but incredible.

And then he brutally murders London, with a massive smile on his face, and he clearly planned it all and had nooo qualms about it. Not a single one. Kurt did not care. His character starts to change then. You could feel bad for London, maybe you don’t. But she dies, even though she did nothing wrong, and actually treated Kurt decently.

Then he goes on to murder a kid he used to babysit, someone he looked after for years as a child, and you start to think that’s a bit fucked up of him. But still, Bobby has been an asshole the entire time, and Kurt is our protag we’ve been with, and still like, and want to keep watching. Obviously the scene of him showering blood off while manically giggling about 100 viewers, which isn’t even a lot, is showing how mad he is, but also it’s a great scene, you’re enjoying watching his madness. And then after the whole thing with DJ Uno it’s him saying fuck the homemless, murdering an innocent driver (albeit offscreen), then insinuating SA with Jessie, and realising he murdered his mum, watching him murder his dad as well, and trying to kill Jessie too.

I mean, this is even coming from a slightly ficcy POV, but I genuinely think some of the only ways you’d survive, is A) be like Jessie apart from the show that night. Slightly famous, and with a bigger asshole in the car, someone Kurt not only would defend you against to show his fans but because he genuinely feels the need/want to with zero hesitation as a person, and the getting out when you can. Sure Kurt’s a bit obsessive, but if you’re doing something boring that night, and hopefully didn’t make too much of an impression, hopefully your content was enough for him to keep going with his plan and it’s too hard to track your address. That, or B), have seen Kurt’s socials before...

Especially if it’s slightly early on, but not his first victim. If you were like you look familiar he’d happily go on his Kurtsworld96 tangent, and say you’d been recommended that video of him and his dogs, with 12 views, and you watched it yesterday, because dogs. You even left a nice comment, again, because dogs, Kurt goes crazy. An actual fan meeting him in the wild? He wants to talk to you so badly. Wants you in the front, so he can see that his video is in your YouTube history. So he can see your reactions as he talks to you! He saw your comment, obviously, and it made him go wild. Because he barely gets any comments ever, and only like 5 times where they’ve actually been nice. You talk to him about his video, and he’s just going “Yes!” Everytime you mention a detail and he’s talking more about the bts of it and you’re interested. You follow his YouTube there and then and he’s so full of glee and warmth.

He’ll ask - to his cameras though - if his kurtie wants a selfie, and you take one with him, peace sings of course, he even adorns you with free swag from the back, a Kurtsworld96 cap. He doesn’t want to kill you because he thinks it’ll send a bad message to his fans. He still only has a couple of people watching, so he wants them to know he’s safe, and they can be his fan, or even come up to him today and say hi! His fans can get a spree ride today and meet him! So he won’t let you drink the water. He’ll let you go home.

But even that’s partly just so people don’t not want to become his fan, if he only has like nine subscribers and he’s still offing one of them. If it had been later in #thelesson, where he had more people watching, not only is he more swayed by them, but he’s less just genuinely giddy and in awe of you, but trying to put on a show, and feeling powerful enough to try and beat his score. Maybe he won’t kill you, maybe. Maybe he’ll just take you to his home instead. Maybe you can find out what the ‘marry’ option actually means. But again, even that’s a slight more ficcy answer. And I already had this as an idea for a fic plan hahaha.

Kurt is too far gone prior to the film. He is delusional, creating a complex, and all he wants is his moment in the spotlight, and eternal infamy. Even being remembered as a bad guy, and being made fun of by his ‘fans’ the entire time he is doing it.

Spree killers don’t go into their sprees thinking they’re coming out of them alive. It’s different than serial killing. Almost every single spree kill ends in the murderer being killed by police, or them killing themselves. Very rarely do they live, and if they do, it was almost definitely not in their plan to. Kurt knows he’ll probably die, he’s definitely going to get caught anyway, I mean he’s literally broadcasting all his crimes, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to get the record, for more infamy, and go as far as he can, make things as extreme as possible, for more chance of clout.

He has a shitty home life, even though he liked being social he wasn’t very good at it, he substitutes followers, numbers, for actual human connection. I don’t know if you’ve seen his Tiktok about how his customers are one step away from being a fan, a fan is a friend to him, and his friends are family. It sounds like he’s going on a bit of a rant, like someone/something reminded him of his loneliness, and he’s trying to prove it. That numbers, or good interactions with customers (we know he loves his high five star spree ratings), mean he is popular and liked and basically has friends. He needs friends to be his family, because his actual parents don’t give him the emotional support he needs. Maybe his dad tried a little, but he’s screwed things up a few too many times for Kurt to trust him enough to let him back in, or be someone for him, even if his dad did try.

Kurt is 100% lonely, and it seems he had a lonely childhood as well, from inferences, references, and even his draw my life vid, etc. If he’d had someone, a close friend, a partner, a good therapist, if he’d had someone with him maybe a year or two prior. If he’d started to obsess more over that connection with someone versus numbers, started to see a real relationship with one real and there person as more valuable then those numbers (when his viewers aren’t even nice to him but he doesn’t care because it’s still attention), it may have been different.

Obviously you don’t want Kurt to be too obsessive or dependent, especially if he feels like you’re the one person he has. But if you were there to show him healthy love (platonic or romantic), walk him through healthy boundaries that he trusts you enough to stick by, get him in therapy where he can realise that he didn’t not get hugged enough as a child and swapping human connection for clout is a toxic and not worthy opponent of real life human love. If he’d gotten that in a time before, you may have been able to pull him out before it was too late.

But Kurt hits his 23rd birthday, on April Fool’s day, and goes on his spree killing shortly after. He planned a bit before that most likely, but his birthday (I just inferred from his driving license and when the events of the film take place) was probably a catalyst, and a last straw for him to be like ‘see? Things didn’t get any better. Now I’m seriously going to do my preparations now for #TheLesson, because I’m 23 and have nothing left to live for anyway’. Especially in a society where 23 can be seen as old, especially when it comes to being an online content creator. He’s still stuck with lousy parents, doesn’t have a fancy job to at least brag about, even if he likes spreeing it still might get him snide comments off of people or his mum or something, his dj/influencer career is still going nowhere, so he might as well go out with a bang.

He’s been trying to be an influencer for ten years by the point of the film, and has watched someone he watched grow up become famous and loved and worshipped, while, even with hanging onto the coattails of Bobby to get some exposure, since he obviously will have been in some of his posts over his career, he still rarely reaches double digits. And that’s numbers alone, not likes, or comments, or dono’s, or anything even slightly personal. Not just an anonymous number behind a screen. Kurt won’t want to give up now.

And the more he’s tried and craved this attention, especially while growing up where he’ll have less adults sticking up for him or being nice or promising he’s worth something, can be something, less kids in his class who he can see everyday or have to be nice or work with him on projects, less hope from others around him that’s he’s young and can do amazing things and can be better than his parents or can get out and do something. Kurts lost more, and held onto that need for clout/attention as his only source of escape and love as times gone on. He’s romanticised the life of fame so badly. He’s obsessed over it. He’s had to numb himself more and more to the world. Nothing else matters but at least an extra number means he’s making progress, he’s doing something, he can show people. That’s one thing to at least be happy about, in his day. Everything else sucks, but if he keeps holding onto that one thing, puts all his eggs in one basket, he’ll eventually win... one way or another.

Numb the emotions. Displace that need for human love to attention from anyone and anywhere he can get it, he’s so starved, any flicker of a possibility of attention he will cling onto and fight for tooth and nail, even if they’re shaking him off and yelling at him for being a fucking freak at the same time. Kurts always been a loser, but he just doesn’t want to lose completely. He needs at least some vindication, if he gets lots of viewers, at least he’s going out with attention in one way or another.

I can’t remember the name of the psychological study, but it showed that children who didn’t have secure attachments at an extremely young age, getting worse as they got older, would suffer from disorganised attachment behaviour and indiscriminately friendly behaviour. Being super attached and overly friendly to any adult they come into contact with because they haven’t experienced that secure love they innately need. No matter if a person could be dangerous, or bad for you, or you know nothing about them, you cling to them because there’s a chance they’ll give you anything, and any attention/affection from a person you would desperately grab onto, and need it back as soon as they pulled away. I feel like Kurt would be a bit like that with people. His parents weren’t great with him, they were neglectful. He was probably seen as weird as child and didn’t have many friends in his own age group too.

If you’re even halfway nice to Kurt when he meets you, he may cling to you desperately, and use any tactics, despair, manipulation, overeagerness, anything to get you to stay. But when he substitutes no actual human connection in his life for numbers on the screen, all that gets even more scrambled. Kurts pretty fucked up, but learning you could have fame and fans instead of friends and family, watching Bobby get millions and worshipped, he sees that as even greater than just like one friend (even though he sees all his fans as friends because he severely needs friends (who are an equivalent of family to him) so so badly), because if no one is truly loving him, he can at least have hundreds, thousands, millions giving him attention. Because surely that’s got to be massive.

So while Kurt substitutes numbers online for actual affection, attention, and connection, he has been too far gone for a while. He’s changed as a person, quicker and quicker in the last year or two especially. Become less empathetic, even though he still craves love just as much, if not more. Although he might not realise it in the most coherently thought out sense, like instead of I want to settle down with someone and have steady work friends, it could devolve into I want someone to hold me, and never ever leave my side, and show haters I’m not a virgin, and have a bunch of fans who worship me, and have someone there for me, someone to collab with too, while I gain more and more loyal kurties. Even though Kurt is still emotional, his emotions are more displaced and rabid, turn more dysfunctional and toxic, letting himself spiral in unhealthy coping mechanisms because it’s easier, and then he can focus solely on his influencer career more.

Kurt Kunkle will have changed a lot as person in the year prior to #TheLesson. A simple close friend/partner and therapy sessions might not be enough to make him see what he already has right in front of him. Make him give up trying to be an influencer, delete his cringy content, and get on having a different, but nice life, with someone else, and maybe others as he goes along.

No. He cannot give up on his dream. Anyone who tells him to is just a hater. They don’t believe in him. They don’t realise how important he is, and how important he is to his fans. They think he is a loser. They just want him to change. Maybe after they’ve changed him, they’ll realise he’s still not good enough, since they clearly think it anyways because they keep trying to change him, and they’ll leave, and he’ll be back to square one, and completely alone now. He’s not going to give up on his dream, by that point, he needs it. And he will not listen to reason that he doesn’t.

Being famous has seemed like a closer more achievable goal, and the one thing he actually needs, he’d probably dump his friend/partner if they put their foot down and said it was them or Kurtsworld96. He doesn’t need anyone, by this point, everyone’s let him down. But he’s made such a grandiose thing of his channel, that he can be this good and big, that he’s too far gone. But if he loses you, and still doesn’t get that, things only get worse for him, and he only gets darker, and more needy for that fame.

The delusions of grandeur get deeper, and his god complex for his ‘fans’, for him being the one to take life so easily, gets worse. And he really doesn’t care that much.

While I do think Kurt needed all that love, the affection, attention, connection, everything, especially since he was severely starved of it as a child, if you hadn’t gotten to him about a year or so earlier, Kurt would’ve been too far gone. He would’ve changed. Wouldn’t have wanted to turn back. Your only hope of getting out alive, is your own escape attempts, or him being so obsessively and toxically attached to you, he can’t let go, even though that seriously means no matter what...

[darkpoisonouslove]

Happy Halloween, Scooby Doo! Review

I have to admit that I wasn’t paying the utmost attention while watching this movie but I had my memory on the plot refreshed enough to be able to get out my thoughts. Below the cut:

The movie definitely delivers Halloween vibes. Maybe a little too much. I know that silliness can be a great part of Scooby Doo but this time I am just not entirely captivated by the monsters here. They are supposed to be terrifying but that just does not come through. I feel like they used pumpkins as monsters because of the Halloween theme but also because the sticky insides of the pumpkins look a lot like blood (but orange) when the gang were smashing them left and right. It was a way to have kid-friendly gore in the movie and not really much more.

I cannot speak about the crossover qualities of the movie since it clearly includes some Batman characters? Or was the Arkham Asylum just thrown in for good measure? I legitimately have zero idea whether the Scarecrow character is an actual character from another media or they just made him up.

I can speak about the villain and I was not happy with what they did here. It’s always way more interesting when the viewer can try to solve the mystery along with the gang and figure out who the culprit is. But how are you supposed to uncover a guy you’ve never seen? That’s just not working. And I know he showed up as the sheriff but that still doesn’t count because it doesn’t tell you of any motives he might have to want the gang taken down. Also, how dare they set this in Crystal Cove and have a sheriff other than Sheriff Bronson Stone. Absolute disgrace.

The gang felt so much like caricatures. They weren’t rounded characters. Each of them was pretty much a one-track mind type of character and that did them a great disservice. Fred was clearly only obsessed with the Mystery Machine, Daphne was an Elvira groupie, Velma was stuck on the “monsters aren’t real” train again to the point where it interferes with solving the mystery, and Shaggy and Scooby were just scared and hungry as always which is two things and makes them probably more well-rounded than the rest of the gang. Velma’s mental palace was interesting but the concept wasn’t exactly executed all that well.

Also, the way the gang talked was extremely annoying. The entire movie was just hyperfocused on making them sound cool which wouldn’t have been necessary if they’d let them have actual personalities than making them one-dimensional puppets on strings for the promotion of the franchise. Because the entire movie seriously felt like they were just trying to appear cool to newer audiences that aren’t that into Scooby Doo and win over more fans of their next products rather than trying to make this movie interesting and able to stand on its own. They viewed it as a Halloween Special that didn’t need anything more than a batch of pumpkins and some fashionable speak tagged on for it to exist purely as an advertisement of the Scooby Doo franchise.

The pacing of the movie was weird. The entire car chase with the pumpkins was super drawn out and seemed to take up half of the movie. It makes it feel exactly like they don’t have enough plot or mystery to carry the story so they have to rely on an action sequence to be entertaining while nothing is happening for half of the runtime.

I was not a fan of this movie. In fact, I think it might be one of the worst Scooby Doo movies that I’ve seen. It didn’t have anything that was truly worth watching imo but I guess if you’re looking for Halloween vibes only, it could suffice.

[lovemesomesurveys]

The V Survey by joybucket 

List three things you like about Valentine's Day. The sweets, the cute decor, the cute stuffed animals and whatnot. What did you do for Valentine's Day this year? Same things I do everyday. What was the first year that you voted in a presidential election? In the 2008 primaries. Do you enjoy reading books with vampires in them? I was obsessed with the Twilight books and movies back in the day, but that was the only vampire series I’ve read. I’m not into that anymore. Do you believe in vampires? Not like movie/book portrayal vampires, but there are people who refer to themselves as one and actually drink blood. Some people let them actually bite them and lick their blood. What does the vehicle you normally drive look like? I don’t drive. Does your hair have a lot of volume? Not at all. My hair currently is super short and thin. Do you wish your hair had more volume or less volume, or do you like it the way it is? I wish I had my long, fuller hair I used to have. Have you ever used a voodoo doll? No. What was the last thing you used that had velcro on it? I don’t recall. Have you ever used velum when scrapbooking? I don’t know what velum is and I don’t have much experience at all with scrapbooking.

Do you like your speaking voice? No. Do you like your singing voice? Nope. I can’t sing. Have people told you that you have a nice voice? No. Have you ever taken voice lessons? Nope. When you get blood drawn, do the nurses have a hard time finding your vein? Ugh, yes. Every. Single. Time. It’s never a fun time. Have you ever driven a van? No. I’ve never driven, period. Do you vape? No. Have you ever tried vaping? No. I have zero interest in that. Have you ever been to a vape store? No. Name someone you know who vapes. *shrug* I’m sure several people. Name something that's made of vinyl. Records. What was your favorite vacation that you've been on? Disneyland vacations. Where are three places that you'd live to visit? Hawaii, London, Paris. Who was/were the last neighbors that you visited? I don’t know my neighbors, we don’t interact. Did you ever wear tennis shoes with velcro as a kid? Yeah. What is your vocation? I really have no idea. Have you ever... visited Venice? had a vanity in your room? been bitten by a venomous snake? taken your pet to the vet? wanted to be a vet because you love animals? worn a sun visor? eaten vegetable soup? been vegan? been a vegetarian? thought about going vegetarian or vegan? had a family member who was a military veteran? known someone who had a birthday on Veteran's Day? had a bad experience while on vacation? wished you could just vanish into thin air? used social media to vent? dressed up as Darth Vader? eaten a veggie burger? Do you know anyone named... Valerie? Vicky? Victoria? Victory? Valentine? Vance? Vincent? Vince? Vera? Vanna? Vesta? Veronica? Valencia? Vanessa? Would you say you are... vocal about politics on social media? venomous? vain? vehement? a very good friend? a vacation lover? a vampire lover? More Q's! Have you ever read The Vampire Diaries? No, but I watched the series. Do you own something designed by Vera Bradley? No. Have you ever been to a town called Vicksburg? Nope. How many of these words do you know the meaning of: vehement, velum, Vatican, valor, vanity? All of them. Do you own a Versace robe? No. What is your favorite painting by Vincent Van Gogh? A Starry Night. Do you like Grace VanderWaal's music? I’m not familiar with them. What color was the last vehicle you were in? Red.  

What color was the first vehicle you owned? I don’t drive, so I’ve never owned a car. Do you own a vest of any kind? No. List ten words that rhyme with "vest." Attest, best, crest, invest, nest, pest, rest, detest, test, zest. Do you adjust the volume on your computer a lot? Uhh, somewhat I guess. Have you ever met anyone named Vonda? No. What are there places you have visited on vacation? Disneyland, Lake Tahoe, Monterrey. Have you ever climbed an active volcano? Nooo. I physically couldn’t, but I wouldn’t want to anyway.  List five things you associate with the word "vroom." Fast, cars, engines, speed, loud. Have you ever ridden the Viper at Six Flags? No. Who is your favorite Disney villain? I don’t have one particular favorite. If you had to choose a word or phrase to put on a candy heart for Valentine's Day, what would you choose? *shrug* Do you find having to type verification codes annoying? Yes. Have you ever dressed up as a vampire for Halloween? Many times. That was a common one cause it was super quick and convenient to put together. Have you ever dressed up as a voodoo doll for Halloween? No. What's your favorite Bible verse? I have many. Do you enjoy the view from your window? There’s not much of a view at all. Did you play with a viewfinder as a kind? Yes. Are you vengeful? No. True or False You've watched The Avengers. You live on a street that ends in "Avenue." You like 5th Avenue bars. You like avocado. You enjoy evening walks. You've plotted revenge. You're very vocal and opinionated. You've voted in every presidential election since you've been 18. You like guava. You've been to a VIP lounge. You've been to a Valentine's dance. You someone who got married on Valentine's Day. You've felt the vibrations of an earthquake. You've worn a wedding veil. Are you a vicious person? No. Do own envelopes? Yeah. Do you know anyone named Ava? Nope. How many of these words do you know the meaning to: aviation, vaporize, evaporate, avalanche, ventricle? All of them. How many of these words do you know the meaning to: varnish, ovarian, vex, vortex, ventriloquism? All of them. Name something that evaporates. Steam. Do you own a vase? No. Do you like roller coasters with vertical drops? I don’t do roller coasters. Have you ever had a Verizon phone? I have Verizon service. When was the last time you vacuumed? I personally don’t do the vacuuming, but my room was last vacuumed a few weeks ago. Did you ever have a subscription to Teen Vogue? No. List ten names that start with a vowel. Alice, Amber, Elizabeth, Emily, Isabella, Isaiah, Oscar, Olivia, Ursula, Ulysseses.  Does your name start with a vowel? No. Do you enjoy learning new vocabulary words? Sure. Name someone you know who lives in a Victorian mansion. I don’t know anyone who lives in a Victorian mansion. Or any kind of mansion. List ten things that you associate with the Victorian era. The big dresses, the big hair, fancy, rich, the big parties, tea, paintings, quill pens, fans, top hats. Do you know what color vermilion is? No. Have you had COVID? I don’t think so. Have you been tested for COVID? No. Have you had the COVID vaccine? No. Name someone you know who drives (or has driven) a Saturn Vue. *shrug* I don’t know much about cars. Do you watch Miami Vice? Nope. Have you ever used a Ventolin inhaler? No. Name a cartoon character who wears a vest. The dad from 101 Dalmatians.

Name a song that has the word "valley" in it. I can’t think of one. List ten words that rhyme with "vote." Afloat, boat, coat, dote, float, goat, gloat, tote, bloat, wrote. That's all for now- I hope you have a victorious, non-venomous, very good day! :)

[hectabdr]

Dragon Raja IV - Chapters 11 & 12 (Abridged)

Hi everyone!

Today's chapters are a little slower than the previous ones, but they have a lot of insight on Nono, Luminous and the nature of their relationship. I also kept more of the original dialog for the same reason.

BTW, this is the point where the illustrations suddenly stopped for some reason so... No more drawings :P

Previous chapters.

Chapter 11

A girl waited in the top lobby of the Black Prince International Financial Center. At 21 years old, Tu Xiaojiao was already known as the "Sophie Marceau of China". She was in that building to meet the legendary "Master Shao", the inheritor of this powerful organization. If anyone else in the world made Miss Tu wait for more than half an hour, she would leave the place immediately, but Mr. Shao was different, he could offer her the role of her life, so she decided to stay in the waiting room.

When the receptionist finally allowed her to enter Shao's office, she found him next to the window, reading a poem out loud. She had to wait for him to finish for fifteen minutes, her high heels started making her feet feel numb, wondering if he was mocking her, Shao didn't even notice her presence. To her dismay, once he finally saw her in his office, it didn't make much of a difference, since Shao only had one topic in his mind, his adored senior was back.

Miss Tu tried to be polite, and asked to know more about this "senior" girl. When Shao was younger, he had a girlfriend, she was actually one year younger than him, but she demanded to be referred as his senior and he obsessed over her for the rest of his life. He even showed miss Xiaojiao a picture of himself and his senior back when they were a couple. Tu Xiaojiao was confused, in the tiny photograph, there were two children, one looked like Shao and by his side, there was a girl who seemed completely indifferent towards him. This was cut from a kindergarten group photo, and he carried it in his wallet ever since.

Shao had everything at his disposal since he was born, his focus in the entertainment industry was nothing but a hobby. He could visit any place that he wanted, he could buy any piece of clothing and of course, he could date some of the most beautiful women in the world. But he didn't want any of them as his wife. The woman of his life had to be someone who would make him beg for her affection, someone who would make him kneel in her presence. The only woman who could make that to him, was Chen Motong.

Every time that Miss Chen came back to the country, he felt like a five year old all over again, but getting her heart wouldn't be an easy task. She acted cold and demanding, when she arrived he asked her out for dinner but she just wanted to borrow a car from him and left. He heard about an Italian man, apparently her boyfriend and he couldn't learn anything else about him, it was driving him crazy, but he received some information that brought some hope back into his eyes. Miss Chen had a friend in town, and he was in the hospital. Shao left his office with Miss Tu in it, on his way to meet Mr Luminous.

Young Lu was also disheartened because of Nono, although, his reasons were different. His 91st attempt to save her also ended in failure. When he realized that they were once again going to die, Nono desperately tried to make him react, but he lazily waited in the car seat for the whole scenario to restart, frustrated and annoyed, as the gravity of the situation slowly became less palpable. He looked to his side and saw Nono's face looking at him. Her expression was as ruthless as ever but in her eyes he saw deep sadness, he almost felt like hugging her before they died but the simulation ended. To him, death meant that he would have to start all over again, but for Nono, every single time it meant a genuine end.

To interrupt his depression, a young, short, overweight man entered his room. He called himself a friend of Miss Chen and Luminous thought for a second that she sent him there to get him out of the hospital, but Shao was there to speak.

He started making questions, in particular, who was this Italian scumbag that he heard about? Tragically for him, Luminous spoke highly of Caesar's fortune, personality and actions, and to make matters worse, he wasn't only Chen's boyfriend, but her fiancé.

A depressed Shao proceeded to tell an anecdote from his childhood. When he was studying in the United Kingdom, Shao felt belittled next to ehe aristocratic children that studied with him, so he started bragging about his own family's wealth and promising other kids money for listening to him, when he tried to show off in front of Nono, she beat him up and told him to call her "Senior Sister".

The school's Rugby matches also got violent, Shao played aggressively, so the other kids retaliated against his attitude by deliberately kicking him in the face and hitting him with the ball. His front teeth got broken as there was no coach present to stop them. He sat down on the grass, defeated, when Nono took his place in the match, she fearlessly rushed into a defense of fifteen boys while Shao swore to his heart that one day he would marry that girl, even if he had to kneel and crawl in front of her.

Shao compared himself to the protagonist form "The Great Gatsby", who desperately needed to be with his love interest, Miss Daisy.

-Why should a girl be with a man who needs her?

She should be with a man she needs. My senior sister doesn't need me, I am the one who needs her.

Before Shao left, Luminous reminded him of a scene in "Journey to the West" where Tang Sanzang found a silly monkey who lived behind a waterfall. The cowardly monkey recognized Tang's strength and left his hidden home to follow him around the world. There are two types of monkeys in the world, the smart ones that can survive out there on their own, and the silly ones, who need a master they look up to.

Shao understood his metaphor and he felt encouraged. Realizing he could trust the strange mental patient enough to untie one of his hands, Shao gave Luminous a can of beer and they toasted. When Shao left, Luminous took a syringe from the side table and injected himself with more sedatives. This was his 92nd attempt.

Shao returned to his office, motivated and lively.

-I met a new brother today!

He encouraged me to come back here, he's a philosopher and his words are very touching!

People living in mental hospitals are all experts in this kind of stuff.

He realized that he left without saying goodbye to Miss Tu, but his apology wasn't answered, because the girl in his office was Nono. She was drinking, looking tired, she didn't wear any makeup and silently stared at the window.

Shao was determined to win her over, but Nono answered most of his questions briefly and coldly. She didn't want to speak with him, she was just there to return the car keys and now she wanted to leave.

Shao's pitiful voice tone softened her attitude a little so she asked him for some gin with ice. Nono drank the whole glass in one sip and asked for a refill. She had another glass, and another.

- Senior sister, is someone bullying you?

- Who could possibly bully me?

- Usually no one, but aren't you engaged now?

- Caesar wouldn't do that, don't worry about it, just take care of yourself.

- Are you really going to marry an Italian? Those guys spend their money so recklessly!

- Could you give me a better reason not to marry him? Who are you to say those things? Stop messing around and just confess your intentions.

- I'm your boyfriend from kindergarten! If you gave me a chance instead I could be endlessly more confident and...

- You? "Endless"? Nono was so angry that she laughed.

Shao Kneeled and asked Nono to be his girlfriend instead. He kneeled in one knee, so she asked him to kneel on both like he used to, and he did, but not for begging, he used to do so as punishment. Nono didn't like his subservient attitude.

- We were just classmates, I was wrong to treat you so hardly, but you don't have to hold on to me, I am engaged and you could marry just anyone.

Shao kept begging, Nono deflected every single one of his arguments until he recited Luminous's "Journey to the west" reference. His delivery was incredible, but she had no reaction to it, she looked at her glass with tired eyes. She got up on her feet and entered the elevator.

After she left, Shao was avidly celebrating, he interpreted her reaction as progress and showed off in front of his employees.

Nono stopped at a small ramen restaurant to warm up her rain-soaked body. Chu Tianjiao was her last clue and she lost it. If Luminous was actually sick, why didn't she give up on him yet?

Why did she feel the need to insist on his case? This wasn't only about her, every moment she spent in the middle of nowhere, escaping from the secret party, she got Caesar in trouble. How was she supposed to explain this to them?

She had to admit that she cared too much about Luminous's well-being. She wouldn't doubt to give him her diving suit, she immediately called him last year when she and Caesar were overwhelmed by Scythe ferrets to warn him of the impending danger and now that the whole world was against him, she kept insisting on proving his sanity. Regarding his feelings for her, she comforted herself with positive thoughts. Who didn't have a crush on a senior girl at some point in his life?

Zero was great for him, so was Isabelle, if she had known Erii in person, Nono would have considered them to be "such a fucking perfect match".

Over the last few years, this petty boy had grown up, he became more energetic, better dressed and gained so much experience, yet he kept holding on to her. She left Shao's office without saying a word because she recognized those words belonged to Luminous. They were about Luminous.

- Chen motong, you're such a fool, you messed everything up.

Chapter 12

An exhausted Su Xiaoyao leaned back on her office chair, she had spent a long day on work meetings and in the middle of the night her phone kept ringing. This was her life ever since she had to leave school to take over her father's business. She had gained some weight ever since but no one really cared, she was still one of the top bachelorettes in the city and she had just accepted a blind date, excited to take a break.

During the student reunion, seeing Luminous made her cry a little. It wasn't because she used to have a crush on him during their high school years, she just realized that those carefree days would never repeat themselves. Back in the day, she and the other girls used to sit on the basketball courts to see Luminous play basketball. Even the air felt different.

Su took her high heels off and put her feet on her desk to take a quick nap, but her phone interrupted her attempt to display an urgent text message. It was Liu Miaomiao, her old rival in love.

- Su Xiaoyao, find a way to get here, quick! They put our senior brother in a mental hospital!

Game level: Gungir light, 101st load.

- So, where did you get that rocket launcher again?

- I found it under the seat...

The whole fight seemed extremely rehearsed by now, Luminous always knew exactly where to shoot, it almost looked like he could predict the future.

- Did you learn that in your special training? I want to take that special training too!

Nono slowly became the most problematic element in the simulations, she didn't retain her memories after every attempt like he did. This was probably the first time Luminous felt something other than absolute admiration towards her, she became a little annoying, but he couldn't really blame her. They got in the car and tried to escape, but one of the tires was damaged.

- Are you hungry? I just found some nuts in this car!

He knew Nono was trying to calm him but he was still a little anxious, he repeated the steps to replace the tire in his mind but the car-wheel escaped his hands and rolled over the highway.

His tantrum surprised Nono, who dropped her snacks all over the floor. Ming·Z paused time and got out of the car.

He noticed that Luminous asked to reset his last six attempts instead of waiting for his death, he seemed far more tired than usual after his conversation with Shao, it made him reflect about his feelings for Nono to the point of getting distracted in battle.

- First of all, I'm not the only monkey that she brought out from the waterfall, second, I am the one who needs her, she doesn't need me.

- Brother, I expected you to regret going to Cassell College, you wouldn't be so sad otherwise.

- I don't regret it, if I hadn't gone to Cassell College, I wouldn't know my senior brother nor my senior sister or the boss, nor would I know Finger, the Japanese "Lonesome George" brothers... And Erii.

Luminous ignored Ming·Z's snarky remarks and got a better hold of his feelings.

- I always ran after my senior sister, I like her so much that it makes me very sad that I can't be with her. Caesar was born with everything, he could have married any girl he liked but he picked the only one I cared about.

Suddenly I realized that I'm wrong, that was just wishful thinking on my part.

There are more people for me out there, Erii liked me, but Nono was the only one I had eyes for. Nono doesn't need me, I'm the one who feels at ease when I follow her, like she'll feel relieved when she marries the boss. She wouldn't feel like that if she were with me and to pursue her is to act on my most selfish side, why did my senior brother support me?

- Your senior brother wasn't that upright, don't you think?

- Finally, are you willing to admit that he's real?

- Okay okay, Johann Chu really does exist, but there is something wrong with him and you need to get him back"

- Then I'm relieved.

Ming·Z confirmed more things, the city was closed on all exits due to the weather conditions and the Nibelungen was invading their reality on a large scale.

- Thank you, Ming·Z·Lu. Why do you call yourself Ming·Z? You deliberately used my cousin's name"

- No, my name is Ming·Z·Lu, there has always been a Ming·Z·Lu in your life and that's me, not the fat boy in your uncle's house.

Luminous went back to the car, picked the dozens of floating snacks and put them back in Nono's palm one by one.

- Sister, don't worry, you will be fine, I will definitely find a way, I changed my mind, I will attend your wedding, I'll see you in your white dress holding orange flowers, walking on a red carpet full of happiness... Maybe you should throw the bouquet in my direction.

Three girls were sobbing next to his bed when he woke up, Chen Wenwen was the first face he recognized, followed by Su Xiaoyao and Liu Miaomiao. Su was one of the most influential persons in town, so she demanded that her old classmate got released from the hospital.

They took him out on a car and decided to stop on a luxurious bar. They all felt a little insecure about what they were wearing, so Su Xiaoyao asked her driver to bring them their old school uniforms.

Sitting at the bar, after multiple drinks, the girls kept reminiscing of their old days in high school, Luminous past in this reality was the same as Johann's, including his Saxophone recitals at the cultural festivals. He used to envy Johann so much back then...

He stood up and told everyone that he was going to the bathroom, but he changed back to his normal clothes and got out of the bar. A man with a motorized tricycle was waiting for potential passengers outside and Luminous gave him his expensive watch as insurance for borrowing his small vehicle.

He drove all the way to the Number 10 highway and entered the Nibelungen again. Odin was waiting for him far away, he didn't say a word but he slowly raised his lance. Luminous turned around and left the god's prison.

Back in his old apartment, Finger had befriended Luminous's aunt and kept doing shores for her. Nono came back to the place and they argued about their course of action.

- If I had known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have rescued him from that theater.

- Feels like you stepped in bubble gum and you can't take it off.

Finger suddenly left the room and came back with the news, Luminous had left the hospital with three old classmates. Nono grabbed an umbrella and ran out. She knew the bar and she knew about Su Xiaoyao, they weren't going to be hard to find.

By the time she arrived, the three girls were arguing after Luminous left. They actually tried to blame each other, the way they admired him was surprising to Nono. Suddenly, Luminous came back and justified his absence by saying that he went to a convenience store to get something to eat.

Nono watched them from the dark, feeling really stupid, there was a strange obsession that she couldn't let go of. In fact, she should have driven away the silly monkey that pestered her long ago, the more she helped him, the more he would rely on her. This wasn't good for any of them, but she couldn't bear to refuse.

She was afraid that he would end up crying alone in the wilderness, where no one could listen to him. She hoped that one day he could become one of those smart monkeys who run around happily, but maybe this silly monkey was smart from the beginning and she was pitying someone who didn't really need her.

She strolled under the heavy rain, her clothes were soaking and stuck to her body, it was a long way back to the uncle's house but she wanted to walk alone. She felt colder and colder and for the first time in her life she missed the Golden Iris Academy. She felt like going to a ramen stand again but there were no businesses in sight, however, there was a phone booth.

One call, that's all she needed to give away her location, Caesar made her memorize an emergency number long ago, it was the right thing to do, the person she should trust the most in this situation was not Finger or Luminous, but Caesar. Dialing felt like betraying her old classmates, but she started pressing the numbers.

"No, no, no, no, no, don't be like this, don't be like this"

Subconsciously, she looked aside and saw a small boy in the rain, looking at her from the other side of the glass. What was such a young boy doing out there on his own?

He was delicate and beautiful, like a porcelain doll.

- Are you looking for me? She asked.

The expressionless face of the boy slowly got horrifyingly distorted by the raindrops on the glass. She couldn't breathe due to an overwhelming sadness, so she opened the door but the boy was not there anymore. She took the calling card out of the booth and hanged up the phone.

Rome, Italy.

Caesar was waiting in front of a phone, he was under a lot of pressure, but the moment he received Nono's call, all of his problems would be over, yet the phone was silent.

The family elders felt like Luminous had stolen something that belonged to their heir, so they suggested that he cancelled his marriage.

- No, there are only two people in this world who can dissolve that engagement, Nono and me.

To avoid being put under heavy suspicion, he had to act calm and decisive, like he did a few days ago, when he released the monsters from the ice cellar to find the fugitives. Parsi entered the room and informed Caesar about the worsening weather conditions in Beijing, this type of climate phenomenons usually signaled the awakening of powerful dragons.

Luminous, the never-existing Johann Chu, the grim reaper, it was all starting to make sense. Caesar instructed Parsi to prepare his private jet and his desert eagles, he also dissuaded Parsi from going with him. At the lionheart club, president Babru informed the former president and dragon slayer Abdullah Abbas that Caesar wanted to team up with him to hunt the dragon down.

Intrigued, Abdullah accepted and instructed everyone to get ready.

To be continued, final update on Monday.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #444

“the monster you made is wearing the crown  /  i’ll be the king, and you’ll be the clown”

Do you take off from school, or work for your birthday? Ha, I used to try to talk Mom into letting me stay home from school... It only sometimes worked. Have you ever created ‘open when’ letters for someone? No. That'd be cute for an s/o, though. What is the best thing about being in the relationship you’re in right now or about being single? Not having to fear my partner leaving because of the struggles I'm going through. Not having to worry about not being enough for another person, because I'm not even enough for myself. Do you have a favourite painting? Not by a historical artist, no, but there is a piece by a deviantART artist called "Denialism" (by NukeRooster/Tatchit, if you're interested) that I adore so much I've actually gotten her permission to get it tattooed one day when I can afford a brilliant artist to do it. What are some of the best life hacks you know? /shrug What makes you smile without fail? MARK LAUGHING laj;sdkafjwlk;erj Do you know what you’ll be getting your loved ones for the holidays this winter? No clue. That's still a whiles off. What is your biggest short-term goal (within the next month)? Just lose a decent amount of weight for a month's time. What will your next tattoo be of? It depends on what cash I have available, really. As much as it sucks, I think my next tat is a whiles off because I just have more pressing things to pay for. Has anyone very close to you ever died? Besides pets, the closest human to me that's ever died was Jason's mom. If you were throwing your significant other/best friend a themed party, what would the theme be? Uh, Frieza-related, obviously. Do you feel prepared for the apocalypse? I don't believe in the apocalypse in the biblical sense of it being determined by an ultimate power, so this isn't something I really think about. Whenever humanity ends, it ends. I don't have a say, so I may as well not obsess over it. Do you think you will have children naturally, adopt, or forgo having children altogether? I'm not having kids, but if I did, I know that either I'd have to give birth to them or my hypothetical wife would for me to feel *properly* connected to them as a mother should. Oh, or if my male partner had a kid from a previous relationship, but I'd have to be REALLY in love with him to feel like that child is also my own. Do you take pictures of yourself on a daily basis? Oh god no. Do you believe in angels? No, but rather just spirits. Is there anything in your past that you used to regret, but now you don’t? Hm, maybe? Does your knee hurt? My knees always hurt. Has anyone ever called you sexy? Yes. Do you like raisins? omg nooooo What is your favorite bug? Butterflies! :') Do you like Scrabble? Sure, it's fun for a board game. Do you have a printer? Yes. What is your favorite food? Cheeseburgers or pizza, probably. I know, so American. Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to? Yes. Do you like ants? They are very fascinating when you really think about it, but I still find them incredibly annoying. Did you like the movie Antz? I loved it as a kid. Have you ever drank goat milk? No, I don't believe so. What’s your favorite video game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Do you like cats? I love kitties!!! :') Are goldfish your favorite fish? No. I think my favorite is probably the lionfish. Do you like vanilla pudding? No. I only like chocolate pudding. What is your opinion on gay marriage? I 100% support it and would fight to the death for it. What is your opinion on gay adoption? Don't even fucking look at me if you see a problem with a parentless child finding a home with two people in love. Who was the last person you had a crush on? Sara. What’s the most expensive piece of clothing you own? I have zero clue. Why do you drive the car you have right now? I don't have my own car. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Omg yes and it sucks. Are you friends with your neighbors? No. What is your current desktop picture? One of my favorite pictures of my late pup, Teddy. What’s the coolest thing you’ve seen out the window of an airplane? Mountains! Does your neighbor have any pets? *shrug* Have you ever swam in a mountain lake? No, but that sounds VIBIN'. Has a cat/dog ever thrown up on your bed? alksdjflk;a;jdfalwe yes Have you ever had a concussion? One or two. Do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? Not currently, I think? I want a fat-tailed gecko, though. :( Would you ever go bear hunting? I wouldn't dare hunt ANY animal. Have you ever seen two movies at the theater in a row? I have not. How many teenagers do you know who have babies? I know no teen personally that has a child, but there were some pregnant students in high school. If you could keep your parents or trade them for other parents, which would you pick? I would NEVER change my parents. Is there a piggy bank in the room you’re in? It's not a "piggy" bank, per se, but my sister got me a skull one that she says is for my tattoo funds. :') How many sets of twins do you know? Two, off the very top of my head. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? Yes. No one fucks with her for as long as I live. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? Not especially. Who is your favorite Disney Channel person? Uhhh, maybe Raven Symone? How many pets do you have? Just two. Do you think you will be successful in life? No. :/ What do you have pierced? My earlobes, twice, and my bottom lip. I have been dyinnnnggg for some new ones lately. :/ Does techno annoy you as much as it annoys me? No, I actually enjoy quite a bit of techno. What’s your comfort food? Ice cream. Do you like paranormal stuff? YES. Do you have a favorite stuffed toy? Rebel, my adorable meerkat plush from Jason, and Brownie, my moose from Cabela's. What’s the most exciting project you were given? In a way, my senior project since you got to choose your own topic, but I dreaded the presentation. Do you have a good sense of direction? Not at ALL. What are your favorite colour for a cat? Orange! If you had to live your life carrying a shield, what would its design be? This is gonna sound super, super cheesy, but probably a heart to symbolize how love should and could block the effects of hate and general evil and that we should pursue that instead of violence. Out of all the cancers, which one do you think needs to find a cure first? Oh god, they all do. If I had to pick one though, it'd be one of the inevitably fatal kinds, like pancreatic. What are your general afterthoughts when you’ve finished a book? I feel accomplished for actually reading to a story's completion. How many pairs of glasses (not sunglasses) have you owned? Two, I think? What color is your flash-drive? Hot pink. Have you ever built a sand castle? Yeah. How many houses have you lived in? Six. One I have no memory of. Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth? Yes. What video game should everybody play at least once? Amnesia: A Machine for PIgs for the symbolism. It blows my mind how most horror fans hate it; it's like they totally miss the point. 100 years from now, what modern things will people look back on and say, “WTF?” Hopefully things like homophobia, racism, misogyny, concepts like those. What is impossible to understand until it happens to you? Mental illness, to name only one thing. What fictional food item from a television show, cartoon, movie, or video game have you always wanted to try? Hm. There's a lot that has looked super good, really. What’s something that gets much more hate than it deserves? Nickelback, lmao. What phrases or sayings drive you crazy? "Everything happens for a reason," "it could be worse/some people have it worse," "it's all part of God's plan," "just think positive"... a lot of stuff. Do you have a deviantART? I do, even though Eclipse made it fucking suck. I only really stay because I cling to the dying hope of being at least somewhat successful on there, and I enjoy keeping tabs on the artwork of the hundreds of people I watch there. Who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? Mufasa, even if he doesn't last long in the movie. :''''''( Have you ever been to Germany? No, but I'd love to! What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. Have you ever been ice skating? No. The blades on the skates scare me. Have you ever taken a karate class? No. Do you have any nieces or nephews? I have a lot, if you include my half-siblings' kids. Do you own an Xbox? Nah, I've always been a PlayStation gal. Would you date someone who’s well-known for cheating? Nope. Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? No. I'd consider their reasons, but ultimately, it's about me loving the person. Could you be in a relationship without sex? Yeah, sure. It's not ideal, but I mean if the other person is just very opposed, I'm certainly not forcing them. Emotional intimacy is more important to me, anyway. Have you ever been “friendzoned”? Yep. :') Briefly, anyway. Jason tried for my sake, but it was VERY short-lived by no one's fault but my own because all I know how to do is fuck shit up when it comes to him. Which “famous couple” is your favorite? LOOK Mark and Amy are FUCKIN GEMS Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship? Pretty fucking much. Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship? I'm submissive by nature. Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated? No, I think it's a cute holiday. Which do you feel is worse of the two to smoke: weed or tobacco? Well, weed has more carcinogens, but at least it has actual health benefits. Who did you last see that you haven’t seen in ages? *shrug* Are you photogenic at all? God no.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

4. Date Night

He had watched her for a week now, sneaking into the train station, following her from a different car of the same train, and noting her actions. This week alone, she had been back to the florist twice and neither time got flowers, but exchanged packages and files. That made Simon curious if she was doing something illegal… if she was, that was her business. He wasn’t going to confront or challenge her about such a thing, and he wouldn’t know what the hell he was talking about, even if he did. She had been to see that Xander guy a few times. They didn’t greet each other like lovers, so that relieved him, but they had a bizarre series of habits, as well.

For instance, she met him at a few different places, at different times - once at a children’s hospital, once at a crisis center, and once at a shipyard… where did this guy actually WORK? And why hadn’t she waited until he was home or something to visit him? Plus, they usually didn’t talk long enough to seem to necessitate a visit and they always exchanged something - papers, a card, one of those big yellow envelopes like the one she picked up at the florist. And without fail, every time Grace left the scene, the guy looked around, suspiciously, like he expected to find someone after him or something. He cracked his knuckles, smoked from a vape, and left about 10 minutes after she did. Simon knew this because he became slightly more interested in finding out more details about him, now. 

Besides, he now knew where Grace lived. He could always check on her afterwards. She always went home fairly early in the night, and when he drove back to stake things out, she would always be inside all night… Until Valentine’s Day. He decided to keep an eye on her as much as he could from his car. 

When she got off of work, passed through the neighborhood on her way to the florist, he saw her wolf down her coffee and double dutch with some neighborhood girls for a moment (they were almost as impressed with how well she did that as he was). Simon would have tripped over both ropes and busted his face on the concrete, probably. She hugged the girls, took a few photos with them (they had been recording the jump rope session), then she continued on to the florist. 

This time, she actually picked up a bouquet. The two people there spoke to her with very concerned body language. God, Simon wished he knew what they were saying. But, whenever she went home, he drove there and beat her, because she took the train. After she arrived, she went inside, where she usually disappeared while he worked on his notes. He’d gotten into even fleshing out the character based on her at this point. 

A mysterious loner with a potentially dark past, or maybe not a dark past, but some sort of deep secret… She came out a few hours later, as he expected, because he’d heard she had a date tonight. But, she wasn’t dressed for a date. She had on something black that covered up everything and she went to the parking lot and… got into a car? A very expensive car, at that… One that he was curious to know how she could afford from a bookstore. He started the car and hoped that she wouldn’t notice him following her, because he HAD to know what was going on, now…

Grace drove to a cemetery… Oh shit… He felt invasive now. He was going to turn around and go home, but whenever he saw other people, in an outfit similar to hers - dark clothing and red flowers, he was just too curious. Maybe this had been a kid they knew? They all met up at a grave and Grace set the bouquet down, touched the gravestone and shared words that Simon couldn’t hear. But, from what he noticed, they were responding in unison to something. Maybe there had been some type of prayer that they had all learned. Grace stood up and made a hand gesture at everyone, and one-by-one, they said something and laid their flowers down. By the end, most of them had left, with the exception of Grace, a teenager with an eyepatch and another Black girl who almost looked a little bit like a slightly younger Grace. They hugged her and left her alone, to talk to the grave by herself. 

Simon was almost tempted to go check on her, but he knew that there was no reasonable explanation for why he would be there. It was a good thing, because Xander showed up. He didn’t have flowers, though he was dressed in all black. Grace noticed him and rushed to hug him, crying. He rubbed her back and looked around suspiciously, like he always did. Simon leaned back, hoping he was far enough away that Xander didn’t notice him. The two headed out. Simon checked his surroundings, wondering if he could potentially come back later and see whose grave that was. But, he saw Grace’s car and ducked. She drove by him, Xander in her passenger’s seat and Simon waited until he couldn’t hear the car to get out. 

“This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up.” he told himself the entire way to the grave. It was no longer people watching. He was literally stalking this woman and NOW, he was getting into what was very personal and probably painful business of hers! But, he couldn’t stop himself. He kept going until he reached the grave. He took a photo of it and read the stone. Todd Adler… That name sounded familiar, but the dates indicated that this was indeed a kid when he died… but… he had been dead for years. Grace would’ve been either a kid herself or a teenager when this person died. Simon did the math - 17 or 18, depending on when her birthday way and the kid would’ve been 10. 

He got back into his car and rushed to Grace’s. He didn’t want to miss her date… unless of course THIS was the date and it was just more comfortable to tell people that instead of mourning somebody who died 7 years ago. 

Then again, she and that flower dude had spoken about it and she talked about it like it was a date, not like whatever this was. Her car was in the parking lot, so he presumed she was at home. He saw Xander on her balcony, with his vape. Ugh. That guy and his constant looking around. Why was he so paranoid? He went back inside and eventually left in a different vehicle. A van that the florist dude pulled up in. Simon was never one to jump to rash conclusions… well… that wasn’t true. He was, but he didn’t want to do that with regards to Grace, but everything gave him a bad vibe. “Maybe you’re just paranoid that you’ll be caught literally stalking this woman. How will you explain this? I know zero Black people, so I followed one around that was nice to me a couple of times for insight and wound up being super obsessed with her after a few days?” 8 pm came around, then 9, 10… And he was sure that she had either cancelled her date or it had only been a code word for the memorial. He was going to give it until maybe 11… Maybe 12… 

Midnight, someone came out of Grace’s apartment building wearing all black, with a white mask with blue flame design on the eyes. This person moved like Grace, and was shaped like her. He was certain that it was Grace in a mask. Whenever she went walking down the street, he knew that walk. It was Grace. She had on a backpack and was moving pretty fast. The street was quiet. If he tried to follow her now, there was no way that she wouldn’t see him. 

A van pulled up and his heart skipped a beat. It looked like she was about to be grabbed or hurt or something. But, she reached up and two hands pulled her in.. The van pulled off before the door even shut. Simon followed it. If he was caught, so be it. This was just too much of a mystery for him to leave alone. 

About an hour later, the van dropped her off and pulled away. He wasn’t sure where they were heading, but he continued to watch Grace. She walked to a house, ducked in the bushes and opened her backpack. She threw something at the house. It didn’t work, so she kept it up. Whenever the lights came on in the house, she hid. Simon was holding his breath, unsure of what he was seeing or why, but unable to leave. A man stepped outside and looked around. He said something like, “Goddamned kids!” or the like. Simon was too preoccupied with Grace sneaking into his home while he was out on his porch! “Oh no… what is she gonna do?” He didn’t know anything about this man. He didn’t know if she was about to rob him to pay for an expensive car that she couldn’t afford at her paygrade, or if she knew him and hated him and was about to do something even more terrible… but he wasn’t going to stop her. 

That was when he really realized that he might have a serious problem. Whatever Grace and her friends intended to do to this man that he knew nothing about, he wasn’t going to turn on her. He wasn’t going to call the police. He wasn’t going to warn the man. He was just going to wait and see what happened… and he felt it, even in that moment - whatever happened, he was with her. He was on her side. The man went back inside and a few minutes later, the lights were off again. Simon didn’t see anything for a while. 

Around 1:45… he checked his phone - 1:48, actually… lights came back on. 

He sat up in anticipation. Would he hear screaming? Would she need him?? He was more worried about her than whoever the person she had tricked her way into his home, masked and dressed for crime. He just didn’t want something to happen to her. But, he was scared to get out. If she was fine and she saw him, she would never trust him… and somehow, with her doing something that no reasonable person would consider anything but dishonest… he wanted her to trust him.

The van pulled back up and three figures in all black got out. Grace opened the door and they went inside. A few minutes later, two of them carried out a body bag… Simon gasped. Grace was the last to leave the house. She shut the door and spray painted a red A with a squiggly line on it. Simon… didn’t know what it meant… but he was horrified. This time, scared enough not to follow the van after he heard them all laughing as she got inside… they… killed somebody… SHE killed somebody. After the van left, Simon drove home. It was well past 2 and he was so tired that he couldn’t imagine doing anything else tonight… He took a shower, cried, threw on a crop top and a pair of gray sweats and pulled his hair up into a bun. He felt like he needed to write down every detail of tonight, so that he wouldn’t forget, or wake up in the morning and convince himself that he imagined everything, that his mind played a cruel joke on him to punish him for watching this woman without her permission… but… that happened. He had witnessed or at least been able to assume he’d seen evidence of a murder. He hadn’t called anyone. He hadn’t tried to help. He had just sat there. 

She said that she had baggage, but this was a little more than that! Simon climbed into bed and checked her social media. Nothing since earlier. But, he did get her in his “people you may know” on another site. Maybe… he could excuse sending her another request. He could always honestly say, “You came up in my people you may know.” Any. Other. Person. Would be running for the hills, Simon! He fussed at himself. You saw her probably kill somebody. You saw her and her friends at least kidnap somebody, or take a body bag’s worth of valuables from their home. Either way, you saw a criminal at work tonight. He sent the request and to his surprise, she quickly accepted. The app automatically prompted him to send her a message to say hi. He wasn’t going to. A few seconds later, he got one from her. 

“Happy Valentine's Day!” He smiled, forgetting his fears of just moments before. 

“*Belated.” he replied with a smirk emoji.

She sent one with the tongue out. “See you around. Just wanted to say hi.”

“Thank you.”

Grace put her phone away and Xander asked, “That the weird stalker from the book shop?”

She laughed, but defended,  “He isn’t a stalker. He’s just not very good at communicating with people.” Xander shook his head and dragged the body bag across the field. “You of all people should get that. You get mistaken for somebody creepy and up to no good all of the time.”

“And it’s always valid,” he said. “You were smiling pretty hard. You like him like that?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe. I have no frame of reference for people that I can trust, so you know how it goes - can’t tell if what’s off about him is my own paranoia or if he’s really weird.” She opened the body bag and the man was squirming, his mouth tied up. Grace removed it. He screamed and she sighed, “Dude, I didn’t take this off of your mouth somewhere that screaming would matter…” She laughed. In her backpack, she had papers, files, photos, etc that she began showing him. “You might not remember this, because you’ve done it so much that all of us are basically numbers to you, but there once was a kid that you called 214. I knew him for a long time, at the warehouse. He was usually on surveillance. You had him reporting shit and whenever he tried to leave with me, whenever I began to rise to power, you shot him… right in the face. 10 years old.” Xander’s fists clenched. “You won’t be so lucky. You’ve lived far too long without having to answer for a shot in the face. 

“148… listen… I remember him. I remember. It still bothers me. I made a bad choice…”

“A bad… choice?” She laughed. “1K… does that sound like a bad choice? Shooting Todd in the face for defying him?”

1K (the slightly younger Grace) brandished a blade, “I don’t know. I’ll make some mistakes and see what he thinks then…” The man’s cries rang through the night in the empty field. The hole had already been dug and whenever they slid the body bag into it, he was still alive. They’d gotten good enough at this. 

They were casually talking as he begged them not to bury him. They shoveled the dirt into the hole as he screamed himself hoarse. He made sounds even as dirt went into his mouth and nostrils. Xander advised Grace to maybe give the dude at the bookstore a chance. 1K had class in the morning and 152 was going to have a terrible day at the florist if he didn’t get rest soon. They finished and Xander got everyone home. “You okay?” 

“Yeah. It just… it helps, but it doesn’t bring them back. It doesn’t ding the ones that are still out there. It doesn’t fic the ones that they’ve broken beyond repair.”

“No… but it stops them from increasing their numbers.”

“Barely. We’ll never figure out who One is. We’ll never end this operation and if we do… there’s rings all over this country, all over the world doing these things and more. We barely make a dent.”

He reached for her hand and she looked at him. “A dent is more than our friends will ever be able to make again. We do it for them, not for us.”

“Todd would have loved to see Sunny slice him up.” 

“He was such a violent kid… but I mean… coming up in the warehouse… there weren’t a lot of other ways to be.” 

Grace kissed him on the cheek. “We have each other, at least... Other people who understand.”

“The Apex sticks together.”

.

Grace didn’t see Simon for a few days. She had been expecting him for some reason. When he didn’t show up, she had to remind herself that he didn’t come everyday and that he didn't have to. When he finally did, she found him and he froze up when he saw her. She looked a little surprised, but tried not to pay it much mind. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I didn’t expect to see you.”

“Oh… well… you’d said it was okay to bother you. Sorry. I’ll go back..”

“No! It’s fine.” He smiled and held his hand out to the seat across from him. “How are you?”

“I was thinking about you. About… whenever you’d asked me out?” She sat down and wrung her hands, “I meant what I said, but I wanted to clarify that it didn’t mean that I didn’t wanna go out with you. It didn’t mean that I don’t like you either. I really wish I could get to know you better. I just… don’t know if knowing me would be good for you.”

He sat, staring at her thoughtfully for a while, then said, “What if I tell you something that I wouldn’t dare tell anyone. Something… a little bit crazy and maybe wrong?”

“I guess that might help me feel a little better.”

“Will it help you say yes to going on a date with me?”

“Hmmm… depends on the thing,” she said, but she was smiling and had already decided that whatever milquetoast secret he was going to tell her, she was gonna go on a date with him. She wanted a real date for a change. Not her typical “date night.”

Simon took a deep breath and said, “I’m a stalker.” She laughed and then looked alarmed. He bit his lip. “I… rationalize that as long as I’m not hurting anyone, that it’s okay. That as long as I keep my distance and my sanity, nobody is in danger and it’s not that much of a problem.” His eyes eyes damp, “But, that’s not true, is it? There’s a victim, whether or not they know it. It’s wrong to follow people, to watch them, study them, research them, learn dark secrets about them that they didn’t want to share. It’s a violation.” He took a deep breath. 

Grace did too. “I wasn’t expecting that… but… if you’re really not hurting anybody, don’t beat yourself up too much. You can probably still get some help for it. SOme of us are way too far gone.”

“Is that what you think of yourself? That you’re too far gone?”

“It’s what I fear.”

Simon reached over and touched her hand. “I think you’re perfect. Whatever is wrong with you… it’s right for someone who truly wants you.” 

She pointed, “Can I get a sheet of your paper?” He slid one over and she folded it into a bird and wrote her number on the side of it. “I need to try to date a nice guy for a change. Don’t stalk me. It’ll scare you off before we ever have a chance to have a nice dinner.” He just stared at her. If she only knew. There was nothing she could do to make him not want her. He knew that, and hopefully someday, he could let her know that too. 

Grace waved at him and got back to work. He noticed that she was in a very good mood for the rest of her shift. She stopped for her coffee, smiled at Simon and advised him, “Don’t stay here all night, Simon.” He shivered in a good way when she said his name. He watched her leave. He wasn’t going to follow. Not tonight. He looked at the phone number on the paper swan. Maybe he wouldn’t even have to again.  

.

Grace danced into her apartment, and went directly to her Date Night wall where there were other photos of people. Many of them had an X across their photos in red lipstick. The tube was on a little magnetic holder like a dry erase marker. She picked it up and drew an X across her date from last night, then set the lipstick back down. There were a few other photos hanging up there and she had to consult her calendar to know exactly when their times would come. Her phone dinged. 

She looked at a text from “747”: X sighted and a photo of someone, with some vague details about their identity.

On the other end, Xander received a response from “148”: Acknowledged.

05. A Public Place

[a-woman-apart]

Separating the Boys from the Men

Yes, that title is click bait, and if you keep reading, you’ve been warned. I’ve got a lot to get off my chest, and it’s going to involve defending masculinity, femininity, and our right to BEHAVE LIKE CHILDREN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES because in many ways, we already do. 

Let’s get straight to the point. As Millennials, regardless of our age, financial status, or level of “success” (air quotes 100% intentional) we have been accused of being lazy, entitled, and way too enthusiastic about avocado toast. At the same time, we have been described as having enough power to decimate the napkin industry, the diamond industry, and the concept of traditional marriage. We have been accused of a collective “Peter Pan” syndrome, because we “refuse” to cut off papa’s apron strings and get off the proverbial mama’s teats. 

Wonderful to know. 

Let’s unpack the “lazy” bit. Supposedly, this is tied to the fact that we have access to higher education, we [often, not always] have parents who financially support or house us well into adulthood. 

So now, my question is, Gen X (the entitled ones, ironically) and Salty Boomers, YOU DIDN’T? 

What do you call that “inheritance” you received? What do you call that education your parents paid for that was less than 1/3 what we have to pay? For Boomers, how do you explain the lavish weddings, cheap [and apparently nuke proof] home appliances, and “nights out on the town” that you were able to afford by working at whatever passed for a McDonald’s back in the day? Working on a farm, at a grocery store, or in retail used to ACTUALLY provide a livable wage; for us, those are a “side hustle” and we still have to get a “big boy job” that usually requires an education that can put us over $100,000 in debt by age 30. 

Hate to say it, but if you hadn’t made most of your income “during the War” or in  the absolute economic boom that followed it, you wouldn’t survive 24 hours in our shoes before having an emotional collapse.  

Despite the disastrous living conditions of the U.S. in the 21st Century, not much has changed in how men define their level of “manliness.” 

Financial gains (stocks, bonds, portfolio, bank account) 

Bro “gains” (a.k.a. “gym gains”, how “Gaston” they are, including whether they want to go for the Adonis, Apollo, or Brawny boi look, or just how far they can throw something or how “boyish” they look if strength isn’t an option and they suffer from femme-levels of body dysmorphia) 

Body count (since we’re in a time of peace and not literally war, this is LITERALLY a modern term describing how many people you’ve slept with, and I have never heard an adult man, regardless of sexual orientation, who isn’t a little concerned about putting those notches in the bed post, and if not that, VERY concerned about his bedroom performance: it’s quality vs. quantity) 

Kill death Ratio (I know this is a video game term now, but did you know that before video games, men in England used to regularly get on horseback, get a bunch of hounds together, and chase down tiny foxes and rabbits? FOR FUN?!?!? Did you know, that before modern sports ((including Esports)), men used to just fight to the death, regularly, even if an official war wasn’t going on? It was known as “dueling”, and in less socially developed societies, men still behave like this. So the next time you complain about “male rage” and how heartless it is to make live chickens fight, note that even though we’ve quelled male anger and hostility on some level, you will NEVER be able to take away man’s urge to destroy. Boys and men will always like knocking things over, building things from the rubble, and ruling shit. It’s what they do-- and we women can and do, too, but we have a LOT more risk-aversion and self-preservation, which is a blessing and a curse for our species-- but we just need to make sure humanity as a whole stays...chill)

So what, say ye, has changed about how WOMEN define themselves now vs. in the past. I would say that very little has changed, but the level of internalized misogyny, insecurity, and good-old fashioned denial has SKYROCKETED. 

Let’s look at some terms of how the majority of women value themselves. 

Financial Security (few women will admit to “wanting to be rich”, because that sounds kind of “Trump”, but plenty will talk about having minimum income requirements for their partner(s), wanting to retire at a young age so they can “travel the world”, wanting to eliminate their debts, etc. It’s different language but essentially it translates to: I want to work so hard or marry into so much wealth that I never want to worry about money after age 35. #Hustle) 

Looks (it doesn’t matter if you want a Kardashian butt, you’re in the body positivity movement, or you just want to “dress like a bawse” women are just as obsessed with clothes, image, and body weight/shape/size as they ever were, it is just that now that we’ve “slain the patriarchy” we have more fashion options than ever before, because “boy clothes” are just as “in” as femme ones)

Ability to attract a partner (some women, like me, “chase”, but thanks to biology, most women, regardless of sexual orientation, seem to enjoy being pursued more than being Artemis-style hunters. This is evidenced by the fact that when the feminist owner of Bumble changed the rules of the dating website to where women had to start conversations with men rather than vice versa ((a move that had ostensibly zero effect on lesbian matching)) 72% of women that she later surveyed stated that they liked it better when men were approaching them rather than the other way around. I am sure Bumble’s female CEO was shook ((as was I)), especially because she made the change to empower women, and apparently 72% of women didn’t want the power because it meant they now had the power to face rejection, and it made them uncomfortable. Big yikes. So much for #EndPatriarchy and #ChivalryisDead ?)

Playing house (this is probably going to get me some unfollows, but I’ll take my chances. Women, regardless of sexual orientation, often seem to be REALLY into having babies or just “playing house.” There’s also men like this, too, “Family men” as they’re aptly called, men in love with fatherhood ((or just being called “daddy”, and that will never not be weird)). So many women who never want to pop out a baby describe being taken by an OVERWHELMING urge to fuck during their “fertile window” ((or is that just me?)) and seeing every baby alive as the cutest human being ever once we pass the tender age of 25. The biological clock is REAL, and I learned the hard way that being bisexual and having immense fear of pregnancy and childbirth didn’t spare me from the awful truth of my biology. 

I really don’t want to keep making references to modern video games, but they seem to serve the dual purpose of being deeply satisfying and helping us to quell “problematic” urges, including that one to dominate and destroy the world. For a lot of women gamers, though, our choices ((on a broad scale, every #girlgamer is different)) deviate from men’s in some interesting ways. 

#1: We still love The Sims Franchise way more than guys do 

Not only do we love it, but while a lot of men (again, #notallmen) tend to build elaborate neighborhoods to extensively mod and destroy them in terrifying ways, I still see women gamers taking obscene amounts of time to design homes, raise happy little families, and cause TERRIFYING blood feuds by having Sims marry Sims from rival families ((I guess we’re more Shakespeare than we thought, eh ladies?))

#2: We make up most of mobile gaming

Most male gamers think mobile games “aren’t real” and I tend to agree, but a mobile game is invaluable for when I, a woman, have time to kill between the 3 jobs I hypothetically have and I and don’t want to whip out something like a Nintendo 2DS that is both unwieldly and attracts the eyes of every impoverished, thieving human being in a .5 mile radius. #RiskAversion. These games are often low-quality, mindless, and insanely easy, but that is WHY WE LIKE THEM. Our entire life is a job. #Hustle

#3 We also love farming sims and RPGs

While we-- and most male Millennials-- beg god to not have to birth calves, milk cows, or labor in the tomato fields under the hot sun, most of us have no objection to having our virtual avatars perform the same back-breaking tasks to the tune of cheerful chiptune music. Also, even though men definitely enjoy them, too, I have never met a woman gamer who didn’t enjoy a nice RPG; why do you think we’re such avid readers of fantasy/romance YA? 

We want to be transported to a different world, and if you won’t take us there, we’re happy to go there virtually ((because we probably can’t afford travel; we’re still millennials)). 

Ability to murder people who threaten our young or our partner(s) (Okay this one is a bit more complicated, but I’m just going to tell you a bit about female animals. DON’T MESS WITH THEIR BABIES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. Human females, are, in that regard, just as savage, if not more so, than our male counterparts. 

I’ve never heard of any woman ((outside of prison, maybe)) who killed another woman for “looking at her weird” or saying “your mama” too many times. I’ve heard plenty of women threaten literal murder because another woman ((or man, we’re #progressive)) came too close to her romantic/sexual partner, or another human being threatened harm on our kids or our “squad.” 

I don’t know where the meme truly originated from, but “Don’t talk to me or my son ever again” is SUCH a Mom thing to say. So much misandry is wrapped up in the idea that men are predators, and that is true, but not in the excessively sexually deviant ways you think ((that’s only sometimes true)). They just like hunting things, including people, but if you give them a toy to play with ((I MEAN ACTUAL TOY OMG)) they seem alright. Let them go play with their cars, Xbox, [insert whatever] or something. They’re men, okay, they’re easily distracted/impressed/occupied. 

Women, on the other hand, have seemed to be having an EXTREME amount of trouble curbing that baby-making urge, or the Excessive Nurturing Urge, that one that makes you ask your grown husband if he’s remembered to pack lunch for work or if he remembered to pack money for his playdate with his bros, because he’s gonna need money at Six Flags and you aren’t going to bring it to him because he should’ve remembered, you reminded him 30093390 times. 

THAT’S NOT HIS FAULT. HE HAS MANAGED BY SOME MIRACLE TO STAY ALIVE FOR 33 YEARS. THAT’S YOU, SWEETIE. STOP BEING SUCH A MOM. GO BE A NURSE, DOCTOR, OR SOCIAL WORKER OR SOMETHING OMG. 

In summary...

What separates the “men from the boys” or the “women from the girls” isn’t the era that we were born in to, our economic status, or whether we’ve been able to “conquer” our biology. That’s definitely not possible yet, chiefly because transhumanism involves a lengthy, ethics-guided process, and even if we all turn into cyborgs, the goal is to become BETTER humans, not LESS humane. Societal advancements have done more in terms of making us healthier, less destructive citizens of planet earth than raw technology ever can and ever will. Rapid technological advancement, when not combined with respect for morality, ethical standards of living for humans and all other life forms, almost always leads to human slavery, widespread abuse of animals, sex trafficking, and environmental destruction, because the “rules of supply and demand”, when not governed by strong international trade laws, dictate that consumers should be supplied with whatever they demand, because the suppliers can profit, and their right to profit should be defended at any cost. 

So, in summary, I believe that “adulting” involves giving up on entitlement. What separates a truly childish human being-- regardless of their actual age-- from someone who is, in essence, “adulting” is experience, and how much those experiences serve to broaden that person’s perspective. It is an extremely childish, self-centered view, to think that you “deserve” anything for being “a good person” or, in the case of many a “woman child” or “man child” in media and in real life, just being “not so bad.” 

Grown-ups are able and willing to do something that is known as “delaying gratification” which is the simple ability to delay a temporary pleasure for a long-term gain. Grown-ups are also able to perform true “cost-benefit analyses” to determine if a course of action, business deal, or even relationship is worth their time and effort. Finally, grown-ups are able and willing and able to make an informed choice and stick to it; in essence, we don’t try to “have our cake and eat it too” we understand that once we’ve eaten that cake, the cake is gone, but we also realize that if we are willing to work hard and make sacrifices, we can earn the ingredients to make ourselves another cake to eat, even if we might need a lot of help from other adults in getting those ingredients (we call this teamwork and cooperation). 

Children, on the other hand (in literal and metaphorical terms), are very impatient. They get angry when things don’t go their way, and instead of taking the steps needed to improve their situation, they storm off and return home. It doesn’t matter if their home is with their parents, with their 3 roommates, or with their husband or wife, these people throw tantrums, refuse to communicate/cooperate, and stew in their displeasure until someone feels sorry for them and fixes their problem for them. They lack the ability to work through daily life problems and refuse to take any responsibility for how their actions or inaction contributed to their dilemma. 

There is one difference with an actual human child or teen, though, is that they have an excuse. Their brains are still developing, and they haven’t had the chance to live through these situations yet; these are new challenges to them. Even if they do have a “bad attitude”, with help from peers and patients, principled adult mentors and teachers, these cantankerous kids can grow into well-adjusted, able adults. The high levels of neuroplasticity in their brains actually make it so that it is easier for them to accept large amounts of sensory data and to learn from processing and practicing using it.

An “adult child” is someone who, more often than not, has been coddled instead of challenged. These people have often faced no significant hardships in life. There is a reason why, even after we have recognized the immense downsides of authoritarian parenting and have demonstrated psychological harms of corporal punishment for kids, we still call “bad kids” and “irresponsible adults” spoiled. 

Authoritarianism produces rigid, scared people who often struggle with critical thinking and self-esteem or end up being authoritarian parents themselves, but that last one is actually one of the less likely options. Children of authoritarian parents often develop Borderline Personality Disorder or become defiant against authority (shocker). Overly permissive or overly neglectful parenting, though, are parental styles most associated with producing narcissists, who often become authoritarian parents, because when their kids challenge them, they completely lack the patience or emotional capacity to deal with it and resort to “because I said so”, stonewalling and/or physical abuse as forms of “character-building.” 

The reason why overly permissive parents spoil their kids is because kids actually do need discipline and guidance, and so these kinds of parents produce kids who are outwardly capable and confident but completely lack any of the life skills to justify it, and when they ask their parents for advice they are just met with a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo or told to just avoid the conflict rather than resolve it. These kids grow into adults who are still sad little kids inside, because they never grew up, but now they’re sad little kids who are articulate and well-spoken and now can-- and often have no choice-- but to con their way through adult life because they’ve maxed out Charisma and they have almost no points in Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom, or Dexterity.

The only parenting style worse than Authoritarian and Neglectful/Permissive is Mixed, in which a child grows up in a COMPLETELY unpredictable environment where the rules of the game change from day to day, and parents either give their children no attention at all, or they practically lock them up and throw away the key. Being raised like this is associated with the worse outcomes for the child throughout life. 

So, why am I now talking about parenting styles? Because, for all that we love to trash Boomers and large swaths of Gen X on this page, we can’t forget where they came from, so we cannot allow them to forget WHO THEY MADE. It isn’t an accident that even though we live in the times of incredible economic hardship, WE are the generation (and Gen Z, to some extent) that got hooked on reality TV, video games, and social media in incredibly unhealthy ways. A lot of us 30+ millennials are growing out of it, and a lot of us have realized that it is an invaluable (and damn near unavoidable) way of marketing our products and talents. We’re often self-employed because that’s our only option in most cases. 

The issue with Gen Z (who, while we called “Zoomers” now just all themselves “Doomers” and I think we should be a bit concerned about that) is that unlike us, they have no memory of “Before the Internet.” We remember dial up, we remember before that when you played outside untl the sun went down. They don’t have the privilege of being linked to that history. 

Now, we have to be the Bigger Person. It’s our time to be Grown-Ups. Gen Z feels really fucking lost right now, and hearing us whine about our parents probably makes them pretty pissed off, when some of us older millennials are the parents, aunts/uncles, and older siblings to Gen Z kids. Even if we can’t be mentors, we have to lead by example, because we have a responsibility to these kids. A lot of them aren’t stupid, they see exactly what’s happening and they feel incredibly hopeless about it. Greta Thunberg is still 16 years old. She shouldn’t be out there doing that; I mean seriously, climate change is accelerating, but it isn’t even as bad as Al Gore said, it’s still reversible, but the fact that SHE FELT SHE HAD TO makes us shitty people. ALL OF US. 

So you know, we all need to stop being hypocrites. We need to stop being entitled. We need to stop thinking this is about us. It isn’t. Not even close. We’re not important, even if our videos go viral or if we’re swimming in cash next to hot models by a huge swimming pool. America’s fucked up. I hate to sound Republican, but it’s because of our values. We suck at valuing what’s important, and if we don’t change that soon, it’s really going to suck to live in America. 

It already does.  

[aizenat]

Regarding claims that asexuals weren't around, I have read old documents from well before AVEN was made discussing how the community viewed asexuals as a flavor of bisexuals since both groups feel equally attracted to all genders. The difference of that equal attraction to all genders being zero for for asexuals was a later distinction. Just because the labels weren't made yet doesn't mean asexuals popped into existence when AVEN was made! (This is similar to how the lines between the lesbian and bi women communities used to be a lot fuzzier back then, with both gay and bi women being labeled under the lesbian umbrella. Labels have changed over time.)

It is indeed different from BDSM because BDSM is a fetish about how people like to perform sex and is not directly related to attraction, marriage, and other orientation-relevant topics. Your comparison makes it seem you misunderstand asexuality as a function of sexual performance rather than orientational attraction. Which is wrong. It is 100% about attraction! Within the label of asexual, people still fall on a spectrum of liking sex to not liking sex independent of their asexual lack of attraction to any gender. It is not abstinence it is not preferences in bed, it is purely the lack of ability to be attracted to others. You may have defined LGBT+ as only "same sex attraction" but plenty others in the community--dare I say the majority of the community defines it as simply not being straight and/or cis.

Asexuals get medically mistreated in similar ways to gay and trans people through attempts at conversion. Asexuals get bullied, abused, correctively raped, etc by violent homophobes for all the same reasons too. Asexuals do not perform attraction and romance to the satisfaction of homophobes. Asexuals need community for the same reasons you do. They need similar protections from discrimination against orientation. This push to exclude asexuals is a rather recent trend that helps nobody, only serves to divide a community of vulnerable people that is strongest when united.

You’re a fucking liar, and disgusting and I hope you know that. 

You don’t get to retroactively tell people how they identified. You’ve “read old documents from well before AVEN was made discussing how the community viewed asexuals as a flavor of bisexuals since both groups feel equally attracted to all genders?” Liar. You mean you’ve read RECENT articles of people analyzing texts describing bisexual people and reading that as “asexual” even though that’s not how those people identified. 

You want to know how I know you don’t know SHIT about gay history? “This is similar to how the lines between the lesbian and bi women communities used to be a lot fuzzier back then, with both gay and bi women being labeled under the lesbian umbrella.” That never happened! Lesbian/gay women identified as such, and bi women identified as bi! Back then, bi woman said they were bi with their whole chests! They didn’t go around calling themselves lesbians! They do that now! Like what the fuck revisionist bullshit are you on about? Fuck off. 

Asexuality is not a sexual orientation because by your own definition, asexuals do not feel sexual attraction. What kinda nonsense? And there is no way for an asexual to “like” sex or whatever nonsense. You guys just made that up because in our hypersexual world, you don’t know the difference between someone with a low (or, hell, a healthy) libido and an actual asexual person. 

And shame on you, and there is a special place in HELL for you, for bringing up violent homophobia and conversion therapy and corrective rapes. Are people going around writing laws forcing you to have to have sex with someone? If you ever wanted to adopt, would the agency disqualify you for being asexual? 

The medical ish is real, and obviously traumatic, but to pretend that’s on the same level as conversion therapy (seriously, a deep, dark, HOT place in hell for you for that!), is deplorable! You have obviously never been to one, been threatened to be sent to one, or even spoken with someone who went through conversion therapy to pull that out of your ass. 

This is the reason why people don’t like you idiots. You take what could be valid critiques of our society’s views towards sex (hypersexuality, medicalization of low libidos, conservative expectations of relationship dynamics that treat people as broken for not wanting or enjoying sex) and morph them into fallacies, half truths, and false equivalences. You’re literally taking the experiences of other groups of people, and trying to say they happen to the same degree, and from the same place, as what asexuals face when that is just NOT true based on reality. 

You could grow up to be an adult, quietly never get married or date, and live your entire life without having sex and no one will kill you for it. Homophobes don’t care that you’re not fucking other people. They don’t care enough to use gay panic as a defense to murder you, they don’t care enough to ban you from marrying, you weren’t ignored during the AIDS crisis, you wouldn’t have to hide the fact that you don’t have sex from colleagues for fear of getting fired from your job for it, you don’t have to worry about being sent to camps to be electrocuted or sent to mental institutions or religious conversion therapy camps. Not now, not 20 years ago, not 50 years ago, not EVER. 

You can play the “we’ve always been there” game because there have always been people who probably would ID as asexual today, but the vast majority of those people got married, had kids, and that is more due to the fundamentalist religious nature of western society, especially in America, than it would be due to homophobia. Completely intellectually dishonest. 

Don’t fucking send me any more fucking shit, and if you do, come off anon so I can block you. In fact, I’ll make it easy and turn it off so you don’t hit that button by mistake. 

I have seen and experienced first hand real life traumatic homophobia, so don’t ever in your life try to come at me with that shit. I spent years thinking *I* was asexual because I was repressing my sexuality.

And that’s the biggest issue I have you with weirdos. Talking about “you can like sex and have sex and be asexual” nonsense. I see so many kids coming up that are taking LONGER to realize they’re gay/same sex attracted because they don’t relate to the hypsersexual, porn-obsessed way sex is portrayed. And they hear THIS nonsense and think “oh, I’m asexual.” Then they grow up, get interested in sex, and have literal mental breakdowns over their identities because they made not wanting to fuck their hogwarts house badge. 

We’re not talking about grown adults who have gone through numerous experiences coming to an understanding of their sexualities. It’s a bunch of kids who don’t realize that it’s normal to not experience overt and raunchy sexual attraction, that only wanting to sleep with someone you’re in a relationship with is literally normal, and who aren’t even old enough to legally rent a car trying to tell grown adults about their lived experiences. 

Fuck off mate. Just fuck off. You’re an idiot, and if you think you’re going to convince me of your side, you’re not.

And you really want to know how you’re not LGBT. Because with all the alphabet soup terms that have come up to describe bisexuality 40392092039220 times in recent years, gay people have (for the most part) not said that these people aren’t same sex attracted. Because, despite how unnecessary, they are same sex attracted. But you lot are the ones actual homosexuals and bi people are like “nah, you lot are weird. We don’t know you.” And there’s a reason. Because this response, aside from being intellectually dishonest, historically inaccurate, and filled with logical fallacies and bad-faith arguments, was at it’s very core WEIRD. 

You’re weird. Now sod off. 

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “What Death Tastes Like” Part 3

Scarecrow’s daughter might be only 22, yet the terminal lung cancer she was diagnosed with six months ago didn’t discriminate against her age; the young woman didn’t show worrisome symptoms until it was too late. Y/N always had a fascination for the much older King of Gotham and despite the consequences, maybe it’s finally time to do something about it.

Part 1      Part 2       Part 4       Part 5

You’re done sampling the food that J brought over, quite annoyed he lied about the crepes; it was probably the only reason why you opened the door for him. Or maybe it was a different motive that you don’t like to think of because… what’s the point anyway?

“Crane said he added a new ingredient to your capsules,” The Joker brings it up. “I have no idea how he was able to get Cromyxillium since it’s just in experimental phase; I suppose he has awesome connections,” your guest chews one last bite of cashew salad.

“I know, he texted me but I didn’t answer back… I’m mad at him… I’m mad at everything these days,“ you admit and The King of Gotham piles up the empty styrofoam boxes, calculating how much money Scarecrow spent on a product that might be able to improve your condition.

Y/N watches him absent minded, too preoccupied with her problems to realize The King of Gotham is attentive to her words.

“I used to help my dad develop my remedy, still nothing works and he entirely immersed himself in this ridiculous task of saving me from terminal cancer. He ignored Evelyn for weeks until she left: she understood what he was doing up to a certain level; when it became an obsession…” and you sigh, aggravated by your father’s stubbornness. “I told him he has to patch up their relationship; I don’t him to be all alone after I’m gone…” you sulk and J grabs the containers, dumping them in the trashcan near the table.

“Yeah, Crane will probably be very lonely without you…” and J stops his innuendo when he comprehends how it sounds. “On a positive note,” The Clown Prince of Crime stretches, “I’m actually here to ensure you’re ok taking the capsules containing the new ingredient. Your father asked me to and I am notorious for being this…this selfless person ready to offer my services,” J over exaggerates his ability to sympathize with your situation. “He also warned me not to try anything funny. I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to share any of my funny jokes; doesn’t make any sense,” the distorted interpretation of your parent’s threat almost prompts Y/N’s smile.

“You probably pushed for this visit, taking advantage of the fact that me and my dad had a fight, hm?” you bluntly describe the truth and J can’t defend his absurd statements because your cell phone starts ringing; you glare at the screen, debating if you should answer or not.

“Is that him?” The Joker inquires and you nod a yes while deciding to accept Scarecrow’s call.

“Hello…” you sneak out on the patio as J figures he should walk to his car in order to retrieve the duffel bag fixed in advance for his sleepover.

*****************

Your conversation lasted for about 20 minutes thus The Joker jumped in the shower lacking any type of permission from Y/N; perhaps it could be the reason for your abrupt intrusion in the cozy bathroom.

“Can I take a shower with you?” he hears your question and for once J is uncertain of his reply, yet he is not the kind of person to show reluctance no matter the context.

“It’s your place, isn’t it?” he grumbles and distinguishes your silhouette beyond the steamy glass panels quickly stripping your clothes.

The Joker continues to scrub his skin, undisturbed by your request: he simply doesn’t care if you join him or not.

“I’m using your stuff,” J announces and your arms suddenly hug him from behind.

“You can use whatever you want,” your lips kiss the dragon tattoo on his back a couple of times and he doesn’t even turn around to peek.

“I gotta wash my hair,” he mutters and you brush your lips against his shoulder, sweetly offering:

“I can wash it for you.”

“I got it!” Y/N’s demand is cut off immediately; you’re so humiliated by his lack of interest you curse the dumb choice of being so straightforward: it’s not the first time he shows zero attraction towards his daughter’s best friend.

Your arms release the embrace and The Joker reprises his important chore while hearing you fumbling with toiletry items: you are finishing off your routine at an increased speed, willing to exit out of there as soon as possible.

A few minutes of silence, then The Clown Prince of Crime finally pronounces an insolent remark:

“I hope you saw a naked man before, Y/N! I don’t wanna be accused of traumatizing you. If it really makes you feel better, you can wash my hair.”

No smarty pants attitude rendered upon him and J gazes where you stood only to notice you’re gone: after quietly tiptoeing out of the shower, Y/N took her medications and prepared for the night ahead; she plans for J to sleep in the second bedroom at the small cabin, thus she will spend the night on the couch in the living room, watching TV until she’ll doze off.

“Miss Crane,” The Joker emerges from the bathroom in a t-shirt and shorts. “Are we cuddling on that couch or do we have further arrangements?”

“Spare bedroom,” you grouchily mumble, getting comfortable under the blanket.

“I thought we’re cuddling buddies,” he pretends to be offended at your affirmation mostly since pushing the limit is encoded in his wretched DNA.

“We’re not cuddling buddies!”  

“My bad,” he grins. “I guess I was misled by your actions at the mansion.”

He has such a nerve bringing that up!

“I’m not the type of person to force myself on women,” The Joker innocently informs, “but can I watch TV with you? I’ll camp on the floor by the sofa which is my way to hint I need a bunch of soft blankets to pile up so I won’t break my back. I mean, it’s not very nice of you to deny me access on the couch; must I remind you I granted you free passage in my bed when you asked for it?”

“Are you for reals?!” an increasingly fuming Y/N shrieks slowly rolls out of her relaxing nest. “You were horrible to me and then tried to make it better just because you worried I’d tell Emma or my father! Well, rest assured: I’m not a snitch! You truly don’t have to extend your good will to such lengths on my account! It’s not necessary, ok?! You don’t have to drive here to bring my capsules, you don’t have to bring me food. You don’t have to do anything!!”

“Watch your tone!” J growls, displeased with your feisty attitude. “Do I have to remind you who barged into my privacy to take a peek at me naked?”

Your eyes are big at his derogatory insinuation: he’s playing stupid regarding the incident.

“I barged into your privacy?!” you shout, aggravated. “How can…”

“Umm…” The Joker interrupts, “…your nose is bleeding.”

You didn’t even detect the blood trickling down your skin and you touch it, confused. The King of Gotham watches you a few hesitant steps before you unexpectedly collapse to the ground. “Hey!” his voice echoes in and out. “Hey what’s wrong?... … Can you hear me?”

There’s this high pitch taking over your mind and you can barely discern bits and pieces of a conversation J is carrying with your father. You’re not even aware you’re in a moving vehicle, that’s how much you lost grip on reality.

“What’s in for me if I bring her over, huh?”

“I compensated you!!  Two Nightmare ampoules, a small fortune on the black market! Get off your fucking high horse and bring me my daughter, would you?!” an exasperated parent admonishes.

“Maybe I will stop the car and let nature follow its course,” The Joker fights back Scarecrow’s affront, yet your dad has plenty on his plate .

“If you do such a thing and she dies, I’ll hold you responsible and trust me when I say you don’t want me to hold you responsible!!!” the serious ultimatum prompts your chauffeur to take a sharp turn on Highway 68. “Am I on speaker?” Jonathan checks without given his apparent opponent a chance to rationalize his behavior.

“Yes!” J snarls, pissed at the stupid rescue mission entrusted to him.

“Y/N, hang in there! I’ll get stuff ready by the time you arrive, alright?” Scarecrow encourages his daughter, afraid of the severe consequences of the experimental drug she ingested.  

“Mmmm,” you moan in your daze, not being able to respond.

“Keep her alert; we can’t have her sink into a coma! I have to formulate an IV mixture to flush the Cromyxillium out of her system!”

“She’s completely out!” The Joker states although there’s nobody at the other end of the line anymore. “Who’s we anyway?!” he huffs and elects to give it a go regardless. “Y/N, how many kids we would have had if we were married?... … … … … I think the precise answer is at least 4, am I correct?” J blabbers on since you don’t engage in the conversation. “Great…I’ll be held liable for your demise,” he bites his lower lip, vexed things didn’t shine too bright for him; in fact, no matter how hard The Clown tries the blame it on somebody else, he dug his own hole on this one.

****************

You’re not sure how long you’ve been in the darkness, but the sharp poke in your arm makes you groan in pain.

“I’m sorry honey,” your father whispers. “We have to keep the IV for an hour, then I can take the needle out.”

“D-daddy…” you find the strength to stammer. “Am I… am I dying…?”

“No… No… I won’t let you die…” Scarecrow kisses your forehead, upset you don’t seem fine at all. “It’s my fault, I didn’t think you’ll have a reaction to Cromyxillium, not the way I bound the particles with the rest of the molecules.”

“You didn’t test it?” The Joker intervenes into a dialogue he should steer clear off.

“No, I didn’t have time to test it!” Jonathan hatefully stares at the man he wishes to strangle on the spot. “I don’t have time for anything!! Do you understand? My daughter is dying!! I’m not even that kind of doctor yet she’s breathing nevertheless due to my capability of manipulating compounds! Y/N would be 6 feet under with traditional chemotherapy, which proves I am doing a few things right!!! If Emma was sick, I’m certain you wouldn’t run your mouth like you do now!”

J wiggles in his chair, definitely about to erupt at Crane’s justified tirade.

“I’m so cold…” you utter, the ruckus adding to your general discomfort.

“That’s normal, it means the intravenous remedy is working; I’ll bring more covers,” Jonathan strolls out of the room only to gasp upon his return: J is snuggling with you, totally oblivious to your parent’s stupefied question: “What the hell are you doing??!!”

“I got off my high horse and I’m keeping her warm,” J stresses the importance of his random deed. “It’s not cheap thought! I demand…”

“You demand nothing!” Scarecrow covers you with more layers, irritated The King of Gotham has the audacity to milk out benefits in these circumstances; the latest wants to protest Jonathan’s vehement denial while not being conceded the prospect of such luxury:

“Dad…” you reach out your left hand and he sits by you, keeping the shaky fingers on his face. “Did… did you call Evelyn?” you barely blink, exhausted from the intensive treatment.

“I will…”

“You have to; I don’t want you to end up alone… She loves you… You could have more children with her… or at least one more…”

Jonathan Crane inhales, flustered his daughter is worried about him when she should worry about herself.

“I could have more kids, but don’t you know you’re irreplaceable?” he kisses your wrist and pretends to brush off the agony building up in his heart. “Don’t cry honey,” he wipes your tears, then casually shoves The Joker’s arm since is wrapped around your waist. “Your help is no longer required,” Scarecrow hints and his advice falls on deaf ears: J has important news that might switch the balance in his favor.

“I also called Emma on my way here to report about Y/N’s ordeal; she’s cutting her trip to New York short and I received strict orders to make myself useful until her arrival. Now, unless you want to deal with another pain in the ass besides your offspring, I suggest you tolerate my presence!”

Jonathan curls up in a ball on the vacant side of your bed, relieved to see you’re napping. "I didn’t feel the urge to punch someone in ages!” he sneers.

“Likewise!” The Joker barks too from behind your shoulder. “How come she passed out again?” he switches the subject and Jonathan explains without any trace of enthusiasm.

“I included a serum that promotes nice dreams in her IV bag: she’ll be in a deep sleep and envision things she likes.”

“Oh, that’s awesome. I’m sure I’ll pop up in there then,” the excited Clown Prince of Crime emphasizes to your father’s disapproval.

“I said things she likes!”

**************

10:12am

“Hello Miss Crane,” you are greeted as you narrowly open your eyes; it takes a minute to recollect from the dizziness and confusion of last night’s episode.

“Where’s my dad?” you lick your dry lips, noticing J by the windows.

“At the lab; he’s consulting with some doctors or whatnot and left me in charge,” he effortlessly forges half a truth with half a lie.

“Where’s my phone? I want to talk to him.”

“I think I left it at the cabin, I was in a hurry to get you here.”

“You drove me?...” you skeptically interrogate.

“Yeah, you don’t remember?”

“No…” you stretch while touching the band aid placed where the needle used to be. “Where’s Emma?”

“On her way back to Gotham; she called several times and tried talking to you but you were out.”

“Was I?...”

“U-hum,” J shakes his head. “I reckon she promised she’ll assist with your birthday party next week and she’s terrified you’ll kick the bucket in the meantime. She didn’t precisely articulate these sentences, but I‘m her dad: I can read in between the lines,” the proud Joker blurs out, loving the shocked look you display. “Am I invited to the celebration?”

You signal a no and he’s not discouraged by your vehement denial.

“Can I bring Mara?”

“Absolutely not!!!”

“Oh, so I’m actually invited but not her?”

He takes advantage of the speechless Y/N, setting up the stage for his own benefit:

“I can work with that,” he glares at you, gratified. “However, I can’t show at a party without a date; it’s not dignifying for a man of my social status. This leaves us with only one solution.”

“NO!” you protest because you can estimate his proposal.

“Cool, then we have a deal Miss Crane: you got yourself a date!”

“I already have a date!”

“Who?”  The Joker smirks. 

“Sam is my date for my birthday.”

“Sam as in Bane’s son?”

“Yes,” you squirm under the blankets, uneasy at the concept of having J as partner for the upcoming bash.

“Pfft,” he huffs. “That’s a huuuge load of baloney,” your own words from last night are used by the obnoxious green haired menace. “I’ll pick you up Wednesday at 3pm, ok?”

“The party is here at my house!”

“Ok, then you pick me up at 3pm.”

“I’m not picking you up!” you scoff at his nonsense.

“Damn, you’re hard to negotiate with,” The Joker scratches his chin. “Fine, I’ll bring myself here.”

You contemptuously stare at him, appalled he keeps on insisting when you declined his plan. On top of everything, the whole universe is getting the confirmation today that Jonathan Crane’s genius is frankly skipping a generation since you enunciate:

“Don’t be late!”

Also read: MASTERLIST

You can also follow me ON Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Designated Driver”: an HYH recap

Disappointingly, this episode doesn’t pick up in Carrie’s hotel room after Yevgeny kissed her goodnight. It is the next morning, and she’s speed-walking down a street in Kohat. Her good buddy Arman, whom we met in the premiere, has driven all the way from Kabul to pick her up.

She races into his truck and starts frantically writing on the first piece of paper she can find. It is a real treat to see Claire Danes’ actual handwriting! ...Wait, none of you care about that?

Anyway, Arman is like, hello wtf?? Carrie explains it’s something she heard, evidence actually, and she needs to write it down before she forgets. That’s right, Carrie fucking Mathison was DRUGGED and woke up the next morning and still could recall the crucial climactic ten seconds of that cockpit recording even though right after she shared a steamy kiss with Yevgeny. She is brilliant, and we have no choice but to continue to stan. She asks Arman to drive her to Bagram Airfield back in Afghanistan, and off they go.

In the White House, Hayes, Linus, and Zabel are meeting with the Pakistani ambassador about the rapidly escalating situation on the border. Hayes is his typical uninformed self, Zabel is his typical racist warmonger self, and Linus is his typical silent “have I been swallowed whole by an alligator yet?” self. It’s all very… depressing, to be honest. The ambassador says they’ll defend themselves with all they have if the Americans invade.

Outside the Oval, the ambassador is verging on speechless. Linus says they have to be the grown-ups in the room but suggests that maybe as a show of good faith, they could get that special ops team released from Kohat. Remember? The one that Carrie tricked Jenna into giving up last week. Linus says they are thisclose to oblivion, and I have heartburn.

Back in Pakistan, Jalal is overjoyed that the government is protecting him. Balach, his father’s closest advisor, is like “coolio dude, congrats.” Jalal asks for some advice and Balach says he should gather men and weapons and lay low. Once again, Jalal is offended at the suggestion of hiding. Instead, he asks Balach to find a target (i.e., Americans) for them to attack. Balach refuses—he’s not afraid to fight, in fact he’s been doing it as long as Jalal has been alive. But he’s also not stupid, which Jalal most certainly is. And if this show has told us anything this year, it’s that the dumbest people in the room are the most dangerous.

A few hours later (but really, what is time?) Carrie arrives at Bagram Airfield, which is apparently like an open-air farmer’s market because she just walks right in, no issue. She finds Worley. Man, this episode is making us remember! He’s the mechanic from “Chalk Two Down” who had the pregnant girlfriend and whom Carrie initially suspected of being involved in the helicopter crash. She brings him her rough transcript and asks him to translate. He’s the third person after Saul who seems to give a shit about the flight recorder but confirms what it sounded like last week: the crash was an accident. Fluke mechanical failure due to metal in the engine oil. Carrie asks why they didn’t call in to tell someone what was happening. He answers: “Aviate, navigate, communicate. They never got past step one.”

Then Carrie finally rings Saul.

Saul: Thank God, I’ve been worried sick. Carrie: It was an accident, Saul. Mechanical failure. I’m at Bagram and they just confirmed it. Saul: Jesus. We need to get you and that flight recorder back to DC ASAP. Carrie: Oh, right… I don’t have it. Yevgeny stole it from me. Saul: What’s this transcript then? Carrie: I just Rain Man’d that shit.  Saul: First, I love you. But second, we have nothing. Carrie: You are getting on my last nerve. I’ve risked my sanity, my life, and my reputation for the truth on this fucking flight recorder. I heard it. The Russians have it. These are fucking facts. Don’t tell me that’s nothing. Saul: You have zero credibility, Carrie. You’re somewhere between a rogue agent and a national security threat. Carrie: Ok, Mr. National Security Advisor. Why don’t you do something? Talk to the Russians and figure out their endgame. I’m so fucking tired. Saul: Fine. You should probably turn yourse— Carrie: [click]

At Kabul station, Mike Dunne continues to be the most annoying person alive. He whines to Jenna about Carrie showing up at Bagram, and Carrie shooting down the helicopter, Carrie giving up the special ops team last week, Carrie this, Carrie that. He’s obsessed with Carrie is my point. Jenna tries very hard to Play It Cool but her anxiety about Carrie returning back to Kabul is palpable. It’s only a matter of time before Carrie starts talking and sells Jenna down the river, too.

The show continues to bring back ALL THE MINOR CHARACTERS. Saul meets with the Russian ambassador from last season, the one who couldn’t make anything happen with Carrie’s release. He tells him about Carrie and Yevgeny and the ambassador is like “they were supposed to stay away from each other! Those crazy kids!” It’s very much two dads meeting to talk about their rebellious teenagers and just what are we gonna do about them? Saul asks for his help locating the flight recorder. He says he’ll see what he can do.

He calls Saul later and tells him the Russians don’t know squat. Which Saul knows is a lie. I mean, they both know it’s a lie. We all know it’s a lie. Saul does his best angry, menacing whisper but the ambassador just says that the Russians have what they want.

In Kabul, Carrie is amping up to go New Car Smell on Yevgeny’s ass. She suspects he’s already back in Moscow devising new ways to fuck her over, but she sneaks into his apartment looking for some evidence or clue as to his whereabouts anyway. Surprisingly, the place is completely empty. Afterward, she and Arman wait out a traffic jam in the truck.

Arman: What next? You always know what to do next. Carrie: Not this time. I’ve dug myself a gigantic hole, but I don’t see a way out. Just a few days ago there was a moment where I actually thought I’d done it. I’d won. Now look at me. God, I’m so fucked.

Suddenly, Carrie is grabbed from the truck by two men with guns and thrown into an abandoned building where Yevgeny enters.

Yevgeny: I’m sorry for the ambush. Carrie: You’ve done way worse things to me. Yevgeny: That wasn’t personal. Carrie: Fuck you, it’s always personal. Anyway, you took something from me and I want it back. What’s the price? Yevgeny: Saul asked the same thing. For him, it’s not for sale. For you, I could make a deal. Carrie: Please be less cryptic. Yevgeny: Saul’s been running an agent in the Kremlin for years. Find that agent, and I’ll give you the flight recorder. It’s the only thing worth more to my country than the US self-destructing in Pakistan. Carrie: That person doesn’t exist. Believe me, after all these years, I’d know. Saul probably just made up the story to get you all paranoid. Looks like it worked. Yevgeny: No, he exists. It’s the only explanation. Carrie: Look, even if this person existed, Saul would never give them up. It’s his first and only commandment. You never give up an asset. Yevgeny: I never said it would be easy. Carrie: It’s not that it’s not easy. It’s impossible. I’ll do anything else, but I can’t betray Saul. Yevgeny: Based on recent events, I’d say you can do just about anything.

Back at Jalal’s base, Balach says he’s found a target. He asks Jalal for some men to place an IED. Jalal wants a driver instead. That would make a statement: that they’re not afraid to die. Once again Balach worns that they’re inviting more endless war, but Jalal won’t hear it. He orders Balach to prepare the car, and he’ll find the driver.

In Kabul, Carrie and Arman are parked outside the CIA station. Saul calls Carrie again. He shares the dead end with the ambassador and asks Carrie why the Russians would lie about it. She’s silent and then lies about the meeting with Yevgeny. “I found it, Saul. The truth,” she says. But the truth isn’t much use if no one will listen.

Arman tries to dissuade her from turning herself in. He can get her to Dubai and she can hide out. But she knows that’ll only delay the inevitable, and things are about to get much, much worse. Arman senses a shift—just a few hours ago it was Bagram this, Yevgeny that. Now she seems resigned to her fate. He asks what happened with those two men. “They made me an offer, knowing I’d have to accept.” She thanks him and tearfully hugs him goodbye.

She steps out of the truck then and spots two girls playing in the street. It’s an interesting moment: is she thinking of Franny? Or herself, that fearless little girl Maggie recalled last season? We can’t know for certain, only that she ditches her phone and walks straight  up to the gate at the station and turns herself in: “I’m Carrie Mathison. I’m wanted by the FBI. I’m turning myself in.”

Inside the station, a guilty Jenna has convinced Mike to let her supervise the handover of the special ops team at the border. Then Alan reveals that Carrie just turned herself in. There’s an extended sequence in which

Jenna looks like she’s about to throw up

Mike looks practically giddy at the recent development

Carrie looks like she wants to strangle every single useless person in the building

Balach is overseeing the assembly of the car bomb and notices that Jalal is sharing some food with his two young sons. He asks what the hell is going on and then Jalal tells him that he’s found the driver for the attack: him. Balach refuses.

Jalal: Fine, I’ll just kill your wife and sons anyway. Then I’ll kill you. It’s what my father would have done. Balach: Don’t hurt them. Jalal: They’re the family of a coward who wouldn’t agree with all of my dumb ideas! Balach: I can’t believe how completely terrible you are. Jalal: Look at it this way: you can drive this car and die a martyr. Then your family will be treated with honor. Or you can refuse and you’ll all die. Balach: Give me your word that they’ll be taken care of.

Jalal just nods.

In Interrogation Room #1, Jenna enters to give Carrie some water but it’s Jenna so she’s not able to hide her true motives for long.

Carrie: This little dance we’ve been doing all season has been amusing but it pays off now. Jenna: What? Also what the hell are you doing here? Carrie: I’m turning myself in. Jenna: Why now? By the way, the special ops team that you tricked me into giving up is being freed. Remember them? All that bullshit about a flight recorder— Carrie: It wasn’t bullshit. Jenna: Everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit. Carrie: Just say what you came in here to say. Jenna: Are you going to give me up? Because I was dumb enough to trust you? Carrie: No. Jenna: How can I know you won’t? Carrie: I thought we already went over this. You can’t know anything for sure. If you’re looking for guarantees, you’re really in the wrong line of work. But I just promised you. Your bosses here will never know you were involved, and that’ll have to be good enough. Jenna: I lovehate you. You still put me in a terrible position. Carrie: Maybe I did. But in my own fucked up way I ended up teaching you a lesson. On the other hand, I have actual problems. And if this is the guiltiest you ever feel, consider yourself lucky. Now go, before the FBI catches you talking to a ~Russian spy~.

Vanessa Kroll—remember her, she’s the I Mean Business FBI investigator from “Two Minutes”—steps into the interrogation room for her turn. Jenna and Mike observe from behind the one-way mirror. She begins to lay out the facts in front of Carrie. Well, I should say “facts.” They’re really just statements about Carrie’s behavior, as told from another vantage point, that make her look really guilty. Carrie plays at the improbability of it all. Carrie singlehandedly convinced Beau Bridges to come to Kabul, then passed off the info to the Russians who passed it off to the Taliban who just happened to be waiting with an RPG.

Carrie is in deep shit and she knows it, but she is remarkably articulate and reminds everyone that she doesn’t fucking work for them and she can talk or engage with anyone she fucking pleases to, thankyouverymuch.

Vanessa: Not when you’re providing aid and comfort to the enemy. Carrie: If you’re talking about Yevgeny Gromov, it’s more like he provided aid and comfort to me. Sara: 😏 Carrie: Anyway, I want a lawyer. Vanessa: Fine, then you’re under arrest. Carrie: Peachy.

In the next room, Jenna is maximum confused. It’s almost like Carrie wanted to be arrested, which obviously begs the question of what she has planned when she gets back to America. Mike continues to possess a quarter of a brain cell and is all, weren’t you going to the border or something or other?

In Saul’s office, Linus gives him the lay of the land. Carrie has just invoked Saul in her defense, and he’s now on a fast track to the same amount of credibility that Carrie herself has: that is to say, zero. They bought some time with the release of that ops team but continuing to give Carrie cover is really bad optics. Saul reveals the whole deal with the flight recorder. Then he admits it’s pretty much all his fault. He was there when she was returned back from the Russians. She didn’t even recognize him. And he took her out of treatment when he knew she wasn’t ready, because there was a job to do and he asked nicely. He can’t turn his back on her now.

The episode closes with an incredibly-edited sequence. While Carrie is escorted out of Kabul station in handcuffs, Jenna arrives at the border where no one knows why she’s there or seems to give a shit.

Meanwhile, Balach approaches in the car and records a video for his wife, soon to be a widow. He’s going to die and he’s been preparing for that reality his whole life. He asks her to forgive him and to make sure that Jalal keeps his word about protecting them, lest he meet the fate of a vengeful God.

Carrie and Vanessa board an airplane headed back for Washington. Carrie struggles with her seatbelt before the zip ties around her wrists are removed. The bus with the special ops team pulls up to the border and the crew sits inside, waiting for the go-ahead. Balach readies the bomb. Carrie’s plane taxis, she exchanges looks with Vanessa. Everything gets very quiet. 

Then Balach starts driving.

He speeds toward the border as soldiers scatter. Someone grabs Jenna and she ducks behind another vehicle. The team in the bus stare out the window. “Move the fucking bus!” they yell. They are sitting ducks as Balach heads straight toward them. The soldiers on the ground fire rounds and rounds at Balach, missing each time. The driver of the bus hurries out, saves himself. Everyone stares as they prepare for the inevitable. Balach screams, moments away from oblivion. His crying sons flash through his mind. He’s doing this for them, remember? He’s giving himself up for them. Then: a crash, an explosion, a flash of white.

Carrie’s plane lifts off. There’s a look of resolve in her eyes as she stares out the window at this place. This place where she fled to escape her grief, so many years ago. This place where, more recently, she fled to escape her trauma. Now she’s leaving and never coming back. Is she a martyr, too? Has she given herself up, for her family, for Saul? Or is it the reverse? Is she about to give them up? She’s exploded her life, in her own way. I would rather you say I was dead. Darkness.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Who did you last eat Chinese food with? My family. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Nothing out of the ordinary. When did you last talk to your brother or sister? Last night before he went to bed. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night person, definitely. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I’m pretty open on here, but in person I keep a lot to myself.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you? Not that I know of. I have no idea why he’d be mad at me.  Do you text message a lot? No. What was the reason behind why you last cried? I was in a lot of pain and feeling shitty. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes. Do you go to church every Sunday? I’ve been attending just about every livestream since last year. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yeah, several times. What color is your toothbrush? White and blue. Is success in your future? It doesn’t seem like it. :/ How is your hair right now? It’s up in a messy bun looking, well, messy. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a C? No. Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive. Think back to last April, who did you like? I didn’t like anyone. It’s been a few years now since I’ve last had feelings for someone. If you had twin girls, what would you name them? I won’t be having kids.

What is your favorite scent for candles? I like Bath and Body Works’ autumnal scents. What happened at 9:00 am today? I was debating about getting my favorite breakfast delivered from this local place, ha. I’ve been getting carried away lately with the Doordash, though. Ugh, I shouldn’t even be awake.  What song are you listening to right now? I’m not listening to music. Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theatre? Some movies I love to experience in theaters for the first time, it just really adds to the whole experience. Like the big movies I’m excited about, such as Marvel movies.  How many songs does your iTunes have? I haven’t used iTunes since like 2012, so I really don’t remember.  Do you take a shower in the morning or the night before? I like taking my showers at night. What's your academic niche? (History, math, science, etc.) English was always my favorite and best subject. Have you ever had the samples people offer you at Costco? Yeah. If you had to name your kid after a food, what would his/her name be? salsa. <<< lol. Umm, Olive. Are you stressed about anything? Yeppp. Did you cry when Ash let his Butterfree go with the other Butterfrees? I don’t think I saw that. I just had a very brief interest in Pokemon when I was a kid. Skinny, flared, ripped, or faded jeans? I only like skinny jeans. What are you excited for? Nothing at the moment. Are you part of the Farmville cult? I never got into that game. I do not miss the days when it seemed like everyone on Facebook was obsessed with it and sent those annoying game requests all the time. What were you for Halloween? I stopped dressing up a few years ago. What's your favorite flower? I don’t really have one. Have you ever stood on a frozen solid body of water? Nooo. What color are your eyes? Brown. The forever on-going question: Is Twilight stupid or actually brilliant? I was a big fan of it when the books and movies were coming out, but then I grew out of it.  Did you carve pumpkins for Halloween this year? It’s only March, but no I don’t plan on it. I haven’t done that in years. Does your family use a real pine tree or a plastic one for Christmas? We always get a real one. Is your handwriting nice? No, my handwriting is awful. Finish the sentence: Remember, remember... *shrug* Did you understand Shakespeare? Meh, it was hard to get into. What do you want to be when you're older? I’m 31 and have no idea. :/ What's your favorite dog breed? Totally biased, but Labs and German Shepherds. Can you differentiate between the words "your" and "you're?" Yes. “You’re not going to believe what happened to your car.” Do you use hair ties as bracelets? I have. What was the last school project you did that you couldn't wait to turn in? I don’t recall. Have you ever graded papers? Well, peer edits. What's the latest you've ever woken up? After 6PM. Did you ever get that short-in-the-back-long-in-the-front haircut? The bob? Yeah, I had that haircut for a few years. Can you recite the alphabet backwards? I could if I felt like it. If you could master one language in thirty minutes, what would it be? Spanish. How often do you remember your dreams? What did you last dream about? Very rarely, actually. When did you learn the ninja turtles were named after Renaissance artists? I don’t recall when I realized that. Do you do yoga? Nope. How has your day been so far? Not a great start. It’s 9:36AM and I haven’t slept yet. I was having a pain flareup and took my pain medication over an hour ago, but I still can’t sleep and now I feel kind of hungry.  What were you doing the last time 5pm rolled around? Just getting up.  Who was the last non-relative you hung out with? I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of family for the past few years. How many people have you kissed in this past month? Zero. Have you had sex in the last 10 days? No. Or ever. What's with you and the last person you kissed? Absolutely nothing. What time did you wake up this morning? Like I said, I haven’t slept yet. D: What's on your bed? Pillows, blankets, clothes, a notebook, a book, a word search book, a Daily Devotional book, a pencil case, a coloring book, a pack of colored pencils, my laptop, my phone, and myself. ha.  Did you cry at all today? Yes. Are you texting anyone? No. What's on your bedroom floor right now? Nothing. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? No. What is the last gift someone got you? My aunt bought me a cute pair of socks recently. What were you doing at midnight last night? Catching up the latest couple of episodes of Servant.  Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? My doggo can do that.

[hufflepuff-ravenclaw-reviews]

A Cinderella Story: If the Shoe Fits

Backstory: This is for sure one of the more unique backstories: Her father was a race driver, who taught Tessa about cars and auto-repair since “before she could walk”. So like... points for trying. But the reason why this score is so low will be discussed in the plot section.

5/15

Evilness of step-family: I feel like this is some trend in Cinderella movies where the writers have confused “locking Cinderella in her room” with... “Maybe I can just pretend like I'm my daughter and clearly nobody else is going to fucking notice that I'm a 40+ year old lady and not 16”.

These people were not even remotely “evil” by anybody's definition. They were just stupid.

And a STRONG argument could probably be made for the mental state of the step-mother in this movie. She carried... Well, the movie called it “taxidermy”, but it looked like a special-order stuffed toy. She carried a stuffed dog around, dressed it up, and not only would she talk to the thing, but she would also make it “reply”. For sure somebody who is not sound of mind.

Also, why was the step-mom so obsessed with Bella? Like can you even imagine what would have happened if Bella wasn't Tessa, but just an actual person? I would have called the police.

5/15

Whatever the fuck that was (because let's be honest: this goddamned movie was a motherfucking mess): So Tessa for sure had a friend who was more of the standard “fairy godmother” kind of trope, if only because she was a make-up artist. Who transformed Tessa into “Bella Snow”.

And I'm not going to deny that I've seen some talented make-up artists who can transform people's (or their own) faces into somebody who looks completely different.

But fam. Putting on a blonde wig and some lip-gloss does not magically make Tessa look like a different person. It was literally just Hannah Montana with the same level of stupidity.

Furthermore, there was some stage “magic”. And I know what most of you are probably thinking. Some smoke and a rip-away dress, and the actress comes out and she's in a ball gown and it's MAGIC. But no. Despite the fact that this was a movie that was set in the real world, with the exact same laws of physics that everybody else subscribes to (willingly or not)... Actual magic occurred on that stage in the very end. She was her “Cinderella ballgown” dress, but then she'd crawled through the air-ducts after having gotten stuck. She was dirty, her hair was a mess, and her dress was also in poor shape. But one puff of smoke later, and she's suddenly wearing a completely different dress, she's not only cleaned up, but also wearing make-up, her hair is completely straightened in and in a completely different style, and she's randomly wearing a tiara. All in the span of... let's say five seconds? It doesn't add up.

5/15

Relationship: Their relationship honestly felt kind of forced. It didn't help that this movie couldn't decide on a plot, so it kind of picked like three of them all at once. He was randomly attracted to “Bella” at first, simply because she was apparently the only girl at the talent competition who had any ounce of actual talent.

Then, he had a weird relationship with Tessa simply because... she was helping him fix his motorcycle. Well, I say “helping”, like she wasn't doing 100% of the actual work. And I have no idea why he even had a motorbike at all. Or why he couldn't have just taken it in to an actual mechanic if it was that broken?

And the ending was so stupid, too. The entire movie, they were like “Yeah, he's got a girlfriend, and it's this not!Paris Hilton girl, the daughter of the man who owns the hotel.” And he took video calls from said girlfriend and sure acted like they were in a romantic relationship.

But at the very end of the movie, he just randomly said to his manager “She's not my girlfriend. I don't even like her all that much.” I felt like it kind of came out of nowhere, and only just because the movie was ending and didn't actually want to pay the actress to come on set and say lines.

Overall, their relationship felt superficial, and they likely would have broken up in a week after they literally rode off into the sunset together. (I SHIT YOU NOT, THAT IS LITERALLY HOW THIS MOVIE ENDED.)

5/15

Plot: Oh boy. This movie had a plot. Actually, no, scratch that. This movie had too many plots going on, and it was super confused what kind of plot that it wanted to have in the first place.

Tessa is a mechanic. Sure, yeah. I actually kind of love this! It's feminist and she's a strong indep- what do you mean that she blindly follows her step-mother around and does everything that she says and does with zero motivation to do that? No, I'm serious. When my boyfriend and I were discussing this movie later, we were like: she must be at least 16 to have a job. Furthermore, in the other modern-day Cinderella movies, Cinderella at least had some reason WHY she was sticking around. Mommy is going to pay for school. Mommy is blackmailing me. Here? There's literally no reason why Tessa should do a damned thing that her mom says. She not only has a job, but it's a SKILLED job. She can literally spend the rest of her life working on cars, and could probably live fairly okay on that pay. There's no reason why Tessa should follow her mom around and pretend like a grown adult talking to a stuffed toy is normal.

And then the movie also wanted to be a movie about putting on a stage production. Which... Okay. Sure. I love me some meta. Except... that this ain't it. I don't think that a single one of the writers have actually ever put on a stage production in their lives. I'm willing to accepted highly choreographed “spontaneous” dance numbers... But what I'm not willing to accept is that they held an open casting call via a talent show in order to fill the role for a stage musical. A talent competition, in which some of the talents included things like magic. And I'm not saying that stage magic isn't interesting, but like... There is little overlap between “sawing girl in half” in comparison to “doing ballet and singing an operetta about how oppressed you are because you're Cinderella”. Furthermore, this entire movie took place in the span of an entire week. A WEEK. YOU DO NOT CAST FOR A PLAY ON MONDAY AND THEN HAVE OPENING NIGHT THAT FRIDAY.

Furthermore, there was more than simply just learning lines. There was also rehearsing... Which was made even harder because Tessa kept switching back and forth between being Tessa to fix Reed's motorcycle, and being Bella, the star of the show. All the while Reed who was supposed to be the prince was literally never on the stage the entire fucking time. When the fuck did anybody actually get in any rehearsal time with all of that nonsense going on?

Overall, this movie felt like it was stitched together from a couple of different ideas, and then the director picked up the very first draft and decided that it was good enough.

5/30

Misc: Let's say that Tessa actually is 16, which is the only reasonable explanation as to why she'd just go along with her step-mother's dumb idea to turn Tessa into a servant. First off, no hotel would just... have a random bed in a laundry storage area. Furthermore, nobody in their right mind would be like “Obviously, you can let your kid sleep here. This seems goddamned normal. I'M NOT GOING TO CALL THE POLICE ABOUT THIS OR TELL MY MANAGER OR ANYTHING. HAHAHA, NOPE.” Like what the fuck is wrong with you?

0/10

Final Score: 25/100. This movie had no idea what it was doing and should have never been made. PLEASE SEE ME AFTER CLASS.

[tiffgeorgina]

alright trailer thoughts

watch it here slutties: https://twitter.com/SHOBlackMonday/status/1216778009044291585

1) HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT’S HERE THIS FEELS SURREAL

2) HOLYYY SHITTTT

3) but actually let’s get it. this song bangs showtime stays on their excellent editing.

4) trying to analyze showtime’s trailers is like trying to grab smoke so this is going to be extremely barebones for a while. 

5) somebody drives off with the busted up limbo, but we can’t tell who it is yet bc their face never comes into view. they’re wearing a gray suit tho, so it may become more obvious who it is once the episode itself is out.

6) mo is being dramatic asf which as of 1x10 is perfectly in character lmfao

7) bro what the FUCK did you do to your hair i gotta ask fuck the 80s. also there’s this character on IMDb tagged “Vanessa (hair like mo)” so that makes more sense now maybe?

8) establishing shots that almost make me think mo is hiding out in california. since we know his orphanage story is bullshit, maybe he’s visiting family? maybe this is where that marcus wainright iii character comes in? since i dont think he’s in the trailer?

9) keith is living. almost has out-of-the-closet energy. i bet that scene of him roller skating is either after a) he comes out to his wife and divorces her or b) he gets a call from mo and flies straight out to cali to meet up with him.

10) the editing is so good you guys holy shit they jsut never quit over there do they?

11) a shot of mo in some suburb. could be a family member or a friend’s house? which again leads me to think he’s in california.

12) there’s this TV show called “America’s Most Unsolved Crimes” that mo shows up on bc he’s being solely blamed for the crash. how dawn and blair managed to avoid any blame whatsoever is beyond me, but mo is an excellent scapegoat since he confessed on record. no idea who the guy sitting on the desk talking about him is tho, since he wasn’t announced as one of the new guest stars. probably just a one off. maybe this is where “reenactment dawn” comes in from the IMDb page?

13) mo is bringing back the 70s and i do not like it. when i said the 80s were cool bc nobody knew how to dress themselves This Is Not What I Meant.

14) he wouldn’t just casually play basketball with some random kids, these are probably either his cousins or his nephews or the kids of a friend. again leads me to believe he’s in california, possibly visiting marcus? it would make sense. either that or we finally get some real concrete background on mo that isn’t total bullshit.

15) keith is in contact with mo. it’s hard to tell if keith went to cali to see mo or if mo came to NY seeing as both are extremely suspicious. assuming mo is in cali that is. keith is definitely going to get mo back in the game. speaking of mo, this entire first 30 seconds is Mo-centric, so i bet mo’s arc is going to be plottier than blair or dawn’s in 1“A” (showtime doesn’t really have A and B arcs for this show bc there’s no midseason hiatus i just like the terminology)

16) throwback thursday lmfao

17) no idea who this guy shooting/probably fake shooting is?? like no idea. could be nothing of importance and just a transition filler/tone setting moment.

18) the heat is on motherfucker! let’s get this cat and mouse shit im ready for it!

19) here we go here’s dawn. back at the jammer group. back at DAWN AS THE PRESIDENT HIRING A BUNCH OF WOMEN???????? BIIIIIITTTTCCCCHHHH I LOVE TO SEE IT. INCLUDING DEANNA CHENG (she’s friends with casey which means she’s friends with half the cast we should’ve known she wasn’t going anywhere) AKA THE SALES CLERK WHO HARASSED DAWN IN 1X02????? YES BITHC

20) then wayne and yassir fucking it up (nice facial hair wayne it’s hideous kjsfkjdhg) and the women throwing paper at him??? LKJRHGKLJSERH????

21) blair and tiff dressed up??? guys. they’re going to some rich people gala thing. this is what i was talkinf about. im almost certain this is how blair and harris meet. their wives are gonna see each other after not having spoken in years bc of whatever but they used to be friends so they go to talk and the husbands and dragged along and *closet case to closet case communication sounds*

22) ok now BLAIR’S on the exercise craze? i thought that was just gonna be dawn like in s1 also how long is this exercise montage in the show bc there are some things a god fearing lesbian shouldn’t have to see. this weird mirror talking shit feels like voyeurism from this perspective i feel like i shouldn’t be seeing this.

23) she’s still topping him??? after all that??? aight yk it’s part of the dynamic

24) tiff is wearing the same dress in “you do, hunk” as she is in the bit where they get out of the limo and deal with the paparazzi so i presume that workout scene is immediately before that gala thing im establishing a #timeline

25) the skants reveal??? we call that PLOT DEVELOPMENT i love a good callback to the first season

26) the shocked gasp i can’t tell if it’s good or bad. also does this mean tiff’s starting her own company? since georgina is liquid?

27) larry telling dawn that mo’s on his way back for revenge? spliced with mo staring at the wall like he so frequently does while smoking? mayhaps this editing went off also i never thought i’d say this but the brotherfucker has a point mo is gonna pop off when he sees yall again

28) FBI wyd........ that’s a lot

29) that falling out last season bit: blair’s definitely talking about tiff’s parents, and im almost certain andrew flubbed right there and improvised over it by saying “autumn.” well im appreciative of that bc a) it’s funny and b) it indicates when this is going on a bit. it’s not like we’re two years in the future or anything. this is probably gonna start a couple of months after the crash and that’s it.

30) no idea who blair is talking to tho since i can’t see the woman’s face. could be one of tiff’s friends? idk. also nice hair tiff

31) that ball spinning around like a gumball in a machine? weird transition but aight. also immediately after, dawn is in the lehman office, again no idea why. probably the same scene as larry telling her that mo is plotting his revenge but idk why she’s there.

32) that shot of a plane coming into JFK? now im near certain that mo is in cali it would make so much sense please showtime just MAKE SENSE. 

33) confetti and mo’s entrance? you know what it’s what i should’ve expected tbh it’s all so delightfully in character EDIT: THE CONFETTI IS NOT BEFORE MO’S ENTRANCE. YOU CAN SEE DAWN’S CLOTHES CHANGE COLOR, IT WAS JUST AN EDITING TRICK.

34) mo’s just gonna pull up, zero fucks, in the middle of the day. much different than how i thought this scene would go, with a lot of betrayal and drama involved instead of this bitch just pulling up. now idek if dawn and mo are in contact before this, when before i was almost certain they would be.

35) what blair says here is definitely not the first thing he says when mo walks in, i can tell from the editing. also im near certain that blair doesn’t say “bro.” it sounds edited in/done in post (his voice pitches up a lot there when that’s usually a beat when your voice would fall), so i wouldn’t be surprised if blair curses a lot there and they just had to edit it to stay in the green band. 

36) ol polluted waterfall lookin ass jshgkjfdhg mo quit lying that hairstyle is not popular fuck off

37) im loving this tagging order tbh. paul scheer getting tagged in the trailer is just. what he deserves. do we consider keith a protagonist now? he’s in all the promo material by name and face now.

38) regina and andrew look so good god yes also the editing is so GOOD fuck

39) keith (hand holding emoji) blair

        getting hit by random vehicles

40) NO THE LIMBO FUCK SHIT THESE CARS WERE NOT MEANT TO LAST almost looks deliberate :eyes emoji:

41) what’s keith doing with this barbershop quartet wtf

42) almost certain that’s tiff singing? based on 1x09 this oughta be good lmao

43) THE HEEL CLICKING IS TAKING ME OUT HGKJDHFGKJFD. could this be mo and marcus? who knows?

44) look at all the cash wtf what’s all that cash for? ah shit here we go again

45) tiff entering another dimension followed by dawn doing what is certainly a mountain of coke? kind of poetic cinema ok

46) ok dawn’s wearing that green suit again from my icon so??? what does it mean what does it all mean

47) who is mo squaring up with tf? is this marcus? i can’t tell in this lighting maybe it’s fake shooting guy idk also where the fuck are they? some party? but not a rich ppl thing just a thing? idk

48) guys. we have it. the fucking airdate. i have been stanning since the first fucking episode almost a year ago today and finally we have an airdate. respect to the new stans but yall dont know what seven and a half months of network radio silence in regards to your current obsession feels like. @hatimbinaba msged me and said we had a date and the shot of adrenaline i felt was like nothing else. serotonin is currently stored in the black monday and now the serotonin is stored in the ME. Sunday, March 15, 2020, 10 pm motherfuckers. put that shit on the calendar. also looks like we have a slightly earlier timeslot which is nice.

49) and to top (ahah) it all off we have blair just straight up gay panicking at the end. that’s definitely tuc and june and if yall have been following yall would know that tuc is playing blair’s love interest and june is playing tuc’s wife so this is all very jghsrkjghs im rly excited for this scene. no way of knowing if this is before or after blair and harris get together but it’s still kshgkdjhgdkj. rich people golfing? more like rich people existing lmao. also where’s that onion video i need to find the onion video fuck this is just like the onion said would happen. i will post it and make memes later. 

50) then blair just gets hit??? by the golfcart?? and there’s this scream that is definitely not the scream of andrew, tuc or june so??? whose scream was that??? did they add that shit in post??? tf???? also tuc and june barely flinching is really decapitating me kjshkrjdg

51) there’s no way of knowing if tiff is also at the golf course, but if she isn’t? then it’s just blair and his canon love interest and canon love interest’s wife???? which is so funny “hey come play golf with me” “oh is anyone else coming?” “ya my wife” “you’re so stupid i have to question how you’re even still alive”

52) WHEEWWWW AND THAT’S IT YALL!!! BUT A COUPLE MORE THINGS. some distinct absences: no known shot of marcus (which is wack yall would think they would want to plug the hell out of dulé hill) and very few shots of harris and corky. why. promote your newcomers some more tf.

anyways that’s all on this long ass post. @ mutuals expect more freakouts xx love yall this is unedited just raw emotion

[sheusedtobesassier]

Day 10,330

Home alone for the first time in I think three weeks?? And by home I mean Allynda’s home. Lights off almost everywhere. Moon lamp, Scentsy dark crystal, candle, streetlight, three more candles, and the lowest lighting of the touch lamp. The Ballad of Love and Hate playing. Just got out of a hot hot bath during which I decided I feel capable of writing out the love story, well at minimum the beginning of it. I would call the start the best part, but I hesitate to say so. Intimacy was the best. Before that was just the delicious anticipation of that. Yeah so I realized I want to write about it tonight which was the smallest gasp of relief. I know there was a time when I couldn’t fathom remembering the sweetness. Begged for protection from those memories actually. And truthfully, I think that prayer was heard and answered. Sure they suddenly come for me sometimes, but they’re almost always quick and painless, like a shiver. Like a muscle memory. Phantom. Hm, hm.

“You’re still all over me like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore.”

We knew each other back when we were kids. To be specific, he was definitely a kid and I was in high school haha. (I believe he’s four years younger than me.) We were goof around pals that saw each other occasionally when our churches got together for Christianese functions. It wasn’t a close friendship, but me and my friends were very fond of him and his best friend. I left home in 2010 and probably interacted with him online once or twice throughout the next seven years of wandering on my own. I wasn’t keeping tabs.

November 2017. His best friend ended up falling head over heels in love with an old friend of mine. They had a sweet little “café con leche” wedding ceremony. There were a whole pile of people I knew at the reception and we filled up a long table. I noticed two friends seemed to be checking somebody out and when I curiously turned to follow their eyes, there was Omar. And uh, haha, he was definitely no longer a kid. Broad shoulders and the longest curls. I noted that he was nervously glancing around the room, probably looking for someone he knew. (I found out later it was an uncomfortable wedding for him.) Without a second thought, I stood up and excited rushed over to him. It was a short conversation, an exchange of pleasantries. What he’d been up to and what I’d been doing. He told me he was a vagabond and I told him I’d just been assigned the role of Staff Director at Sky Lodge. I mentioned that if he didn’t have anything going on in the summer he should come up and work. He said it’s something he had considered before and gave me a maybe. I don’t believe I saw him again the rest of the night.

Fast forward to the spring hiring season. For a few months, week after week, day after day, I was trying to round up summer staff, particularly a strong adult leadership team. I was interacting with maybe 100 college kids throughout this process with the goal of getting around 12 of them to commit to a full summer at camp. It is a grueling process. That spring specifically I felt like I was being forced to relentlessly coerce others to apply for a ministry they seemed to have Absolutely Zero Interest in. The applicants I did have were concerning to me as far as trustworthiness. I knew I wasn’t doing a great job and that knowing made it hard to do even a good job. Once May came around I had no fight left in me. And then I got weird messages from Omar. He had said early on that he wasn’t available, but whatever he had lined up fell through so he was wondering if there were still spots. I sent him the info and he said he’d apply that evening. A couple days later nothing had come through from him so I messaged him to see what was up. He had read the application and was no longer interested. I had a gut feeling and asked, “Is it because you don’t think you want to work for us or because you think you won’t get hired?” He told me it was a little of both and felt like parts of the application process were intrusive. Which, lol, he wasn’t wrong. I was thrilled. Asked if he’d be willing to fill it out and then have a longer discussion with me about his misgivings. He said he would. I remember calling my sister after I read what he submitted and giddy announcing, “HE’S A REAL LIFE PERSON.” He hadn’t given religious robot answers. He’d been forthright and controversial. He would bring something So Different than everybody else I was hiring AND THAT POSSIBILITY WAS DEEPLY INTRIGUING TO ME. I scheduled his interview, knowing I’d be deciding if we were going to hire him BUT ALSO he would be deciding if he wanted to come. I told him he should take a few days to really really think it through, talk it over with people he trusted, and genuinely pray about it. I started asking God to work it out if it was supposed to.

Okay. A little pause because I’m about to write about a part that I want to make sure comes off as how it actually was. First, I want to be clear that I was 0% attracted to this person at this stage. We were both grown, but he was still a kid to me. A long ago friend who I’d lost touch with. I was in boss mode, desperate to have admirable leaders I could count on for the summer (which was only a week away). Second, there was a specific season of my life where I considered myself very in tune with the Holy Spirit. I communicated with Her consistently and believed I heard from Her pretty often. That may sound kooky to you, but it doesn’t change what I believed then haha. This story I’m telling occurred like, five years after that Era of Very In Tune. Which I feel the need to say because like, interacting with the Holy Spirit still happens in my life, but rarely. I’m not seeking it out as frequently and hardly ever get anything straight from Her. Lol, if this weirds you out, no worries it weirds me out too. Okay so. With those said.

The morning before his phone interview, I was driving around a riding mower praying about the conversation we were going to have. I was concerned that he wasn’t going to choose us, worried about how I might screw up a good thing. I big time wanted to know that he’d be good for camp AND that camp would be good for him. Honestly I probably wanted the second one even more. I was stressing about it to God. And like. I wouldn’t write this except that it’s true. I out of the blue just experienced 100% reassurance that Omar would be at Sky Lodge for the summer. Right there, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was was going to say yes. And like, I knew it was from the Holy Spirit. That familiar Her. Burst into tears because like I said, I wasn’t hearing from Her as much as I used to. So to suddenly experience that rush?? I wept happy tears. When I came in for lunch I told Jeremy we could start putting Omar’s name on all the official lists. He was like, “But you haven’t done the interview yet? And didn’t you say he might not even want to be here?” And I was like, “Look. I know he’s gonna say yes. I can’t explain how, but put him on the lists.” Then I went out in the sun and called him up. We talked through several complicated things. It was an articulate conversation between two people who respected each other. (It is very weird to think about how much I low key instantly trusted Omar.) And lol. The end of the conversation was me big smile saying, “So uh, everybody else is getting here on Thursday to get moved in and settled by 5 o’clock. So.” and then he was big smile basically like, “Okay. Yeah. Well. Huh. Yeah I’ll be there.”

And sure enough he was. Well kind of. He showed up late. Everybody else was going through the line for dinner when he called me to say he was here but not sure where to go. I ran out of the dining room and saw his black car pull in. Showed him to park down by Maple. Noticed the John Mayer poster rolled up in his back window so we chatted about our mutual fondness for him on the quick stroll to the Lodge. I remember as dinner was finishing up the Foremen were starting to gather. I was staying on the edge, interested to see the beginnings of all their dynamics. Noticed Omar keeping his distance, but not in an uncomfortable way? Like, he definitely wasn’t exuberant, but he wasn’t closed off either. He was wearing the DAYDREAMER hoodie. He couldn’t hold still? I decided I didn’t need to worry about him and hoped he would pick buddies soon.

Foreman Training. Okay. He was definitely the most interesting person in the room. I mean, besides me of course. He was laid back and whenever he spoke up it was good for everybody. He kept giving out nicknames. Playful. Oh lol, when we’d take breaks, he and Elicia had a game of pool going on which was great because it gave the other girls the chance to watch him flirt. He was noticeably special. I was glad I hired him, because he consistently brought the group’s average up. And we got along well. One night after training had wrapped up the two of us got into a chat about the Kardashians, which lead to Kanye, which lead to President Trump, which lead to talking about Omar being brown. On my walk to my home, I txted him apologizing for maybe expressing too much and not asking enough questions. He told me not to worry and thanked me for the conversation. THERE WERE NO BUTTERFLIES YET. This was my first shot at being a true blue leader and I wasn’t taking that lightly. Being good for everybody working for me was my obsession.

Foreman Campout. Okay. Several things happened here that I want to note.

1. We had a mega controversial meeting about cell phones, during which I suggested we make an official policy that Foremen would leave their phones up in my office unless they needed them for something. It was a kick I was on mostly. A very firm belief that the less the Foremen were on their phones the higher quality their summer would be. There was immediate pushback. I was fending off tiny arguments. Suddenly Omar gave this rallying speech of like, “Come on guys. What the heck? Why are we being babies about this? This could be a really good thing for us!” And that settled it. He had power.

2. The morning after it rained there was a little pack of us huddled up in the gazebo talking about what the storm had been like for us. I asked if anybody had a pen I could borrow and Omar ran to get me one from his backpack. I journaled something like, “Last night I tried to imagine somebody to fall asleep with and couldn’t think of anyone. It’s nice to not be even a little in love with anybody.” AND I MEANT THAT. THERE WERE NO VIBES YET.

3. We all went tubing together and slowly but surely got split up into tinier squads. I was with Marissa and Omar, which was the ideal scenario for me. A lot of stupidity and laughter. Goofballs. There was definitely a point where I was wondering if there was chemistry between them. They drifted further ahead than me towards the end and I thought, “Interesting. We’ll see how that unfolds.” Once everybody was back on land I heard a bit of, “Ooh did you see Omar and Marissa?” It wasn’t a match in my head, but I didn’t think that hard about it.

4. The drive back to Sky Lodge, haha. Omar and I were both on the first bench. Him in the middle and me next to the sliding door. Jeremy was driving and Chris was shotgun so the four of us were chatting away. We passed some fields getting irrigated and I made some offhand comment about the Farmers’ Almanac. Omar suddenly turned to me and was like, “What do you know about that?” I tried to defend myself and he was like, “This sounds like you’re just making stuff up.” WHICH. EXCUSE ME. I WAS NOT. I couldn’t believe it. Him just challenging me right to my face. I was surprised and super secretly thrilled. Do you want me to explain that? Like, I didn’t feel dismissed by it. It was like he wasn’t allowing me to sound stupid and get away with it. Like. More was expected of me? He wasn’t gonna let me be high and mighty as his boss. And that like. Lol. It bothered me, but in a good way.

5. Okay this one was his story that he told me later. Both of us were claiming that there wasn’t any attraction happening yet at the campout, but then he was like “Oh hold up.” He said that on that drive back, most of us in the van were slowly falling asleep. I dozed off and was sort of precariously placed, like there was potential my head might land on his shoulder or my knee would drift into his. He said I woke up a little, noted the situation, and arranged myself as far from him as I could. He said he thought, “Why is she being like that?” And then he thought, “Wait actually why is it bothering me that she’s being like that???” Lol.

6. We got back and dropped everybody off at the staff dorm with announcements for the next day. Edith, my right hand woman, had evening rounds so the two of us did a super quick debrief of the trip standing outside my front door. I mostly remember making the statement that we had to look out for Omar because a lot of the girls seemed interested in him. It meant in a few weeks either they would all turn on each other OR all turn on him. Edith laughed and was like, “Well soon him and Elicia are gonna make out. Then nobody else will want him.” We giggled and I was like, “I just don’t want everybody to decide he’s a flirt when he’s actually just comfortable around women.” And like, haha. I WRITE THIS AS PROOF THAT I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.

Alright so. Lol. Mm, mm. I’m gonna let me hit a hard pause for the night because I’m losing steam. Will come back to this though and soon. It’s a time in my life where I do have the space to get it out and I think I’d like to. Idk if it’ll be healing or useful. I’m not worrying about damage and maybe I should? But. Look. I fell in love with a good one who fell in love with me too. And. I’m not choosing to take my hands off it yet. Still pulled in. Fixated. I keep being afraid that I’m coming off embarrassingly obsessed, panicked that I’m weak and messy. But. Lol. I actually don’t feel like those things at fucking all. I do feel like someone became part of my life and with him I grew in gorgeous ways that I kept wanting to grow in and then I lost that person and now I am having a hard time figuring out some other gorgeous ways I can grow now. And like. I cannot have more of Omar or more from him. Not right now I can’t. But that doesn’t change that I already have a lot of what he did give me. And it’s really mine and I’m not required to like, demolish it to smithereens in order to qualify for moving on.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #329

“i keep it all inside because i know that man is everything but kind”

What is the best thing about your life right now? Uhhhhh... I guess from a realistic standpoint, my partial hospitalization program. I'm learning very important coping skills and have some social interaction almost every day. How was your second serious relationship different from your first? Did you approach relationships differently with some experience under your belt? My first serious relationship was made deeper than what was safe because I was 100% obsessed with him; meanwhile, with Sara, I feel I loved her in a wiser way and with a sense of self still present. I was definitely more hesitant to "let" myself fall in love again, though, and was very insecure at the start. Whose death affected you the most? My dog's, Teddy. What was the best time you’ve had with a complete stranger? I don't exactly make a habit of hanging out with complete strangers... Who has seen you at your absolute worst? How did your relationship change afterwards? Mom, Jason, Girt, and Colleen, probably. Girt showed up at the ER after my overdose (I was a dramatic fuck and wrote a suicide note on Facebook so I didn't just... go without telling some people things I definitely wanted to), and that's when my crush on him really kicked into gear again. He was and is just always there for me through everything. For Jason, I am quiiiiiiiite sure seeing me have an absolute catatonic breakdown the night of the breakup just pushed him away more. I probably looked crazy. Colleen also showed up at the ER after my suicide attempt, and it brought us closer. Then there's Mom, who's, you know, my mom, and my darkest times have always grown our incredible bond, too, because she would never fail to be there for me. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn is dope. What’s your favorite pasta dish? Just spaghetti with tomato sauce and meatballs. What color do you really want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, light/creamsicle orange, and silver, but there are more. What’s your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue or emerald green. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? Um, I don't break into places. What’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Sara gets super squeaky, bouncy, and just in general wordlessly excited at reptile shows. Going with her to one is one of my favorite memories, mostly just by watching her. Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Have I ever been (awake) with friends past 3AM...? Idk. Do you have a favorite coffee shop? Describe it! Not a coffee gal. Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Sara. (: When was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Now THERE'S a fuckin question. I don't have the slightest idea. What was your biggest fear as a kid? Is it the same today? Thunderstorms; definitely not. Have you ever been to a Pride festival? No, but I'd love to. How open are you with your parents? I don't tell everything to my dad (though I know I could), but I'm an open book with Mom. Is there anything you’re more open about on the internet (such as on LiveJournal) than you would be in “real life”? I guess my sexual history. I'm just in general pretty open online. What is the most petty thing you’ve ever done? Oh, I'm CERTAIN it involves Jason after the breakup, but I don't know the "most"... What is the longest you’d be willing to wait to have sex in a new relationship? I myself don't want to until we're clearly serious and long-term by that point, and I know for a fact they're in love with me like I am them. I don't care how long they want to wait, though. I said in a previous survey that sex just... isn't that important to me. It's not my most cherished form of intimacy. Who has had the most positive effect on your life? My mama. Are there any relatives that you are not on speaking terms with? What happened? Most of the family doesn't talk to my aunt's literally psychotic, manipulative fuck of an ex-husband. I don't feel like it's my business to share exactly what happened, but yeah, fuck him with a chainsaw. :^) Who was the last person to ask you to hang out? Did you agree to hang out with them? It was more like an open invitation to all of her friends, but I guess you could say Summer. I did. I honestly wanna hang out again. Have you ever had to take a stool or urine test? Why did you have to do this? Urine ones, yes: to 1.) test for UTIs and 2.) ensure I wasn't pregnant before surgery. Is there a food that you eat basically every day? What food is that? Not every day, no. Can you remember the first video game you ever played? What about your first video gaming system? I don't. It was probably something with few controls, like this Barbie horse riding game my sisters and I loved, or an Elmo game that we had on a demo disc. I think you had to follow a path on a pogo stick picking up letters? We had a PS1 when I was born, so that was my first. The last video game you played - did you play alone or with someone else? By "video," I'm going to assume you're not including the computer, in which case I think it was The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon, which I was playing alone. It does have a two-player option though that I wanna do one day. The controls are definitely meant for two people. If there is a disc in your computer, what disc is it? There is no disc. Do you shut down your computer every time after you use it, or do you leave it on? I always leave it on... Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Hm, I don't believe so. Describe the last shirt you saw that you really liked. Where did you see it? It was definitely some sort of graphic tee on Facebook, I'm sure. It was something with an opossum design and a short phrase. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? The most recent vet visit was when we got Roman neutered. Do you have any bug bites on you right now? If so, where? No. When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook? When I DID fish, yeah. Not because I was afraid to touch the fish, but because I was afraid of nicking myself with the inevitably dirty hook. Did you go to daycare when you were little? Only very briefly; my incredible separation anxiety from my mom made it extremely difficult. She very quickly chose our neighbors as my and my sisters' babysitters. I could handle that because I loved "Uncle Donny," the granddad of the family, and I could see my house from their front door. He was/is (idk if he's still alive) a wonderful man. Do you know what you’d have been named had you been born the opposite sex? No. Would you ever visit a nude beach? NOOOOOOOO THANK YOU. Who was the last person you dreamt about? I don't remember. Where is your favorite place to be kissed other than the usual place? Don't touch my neck if you don't have free time lmaooo. What is your favorite memory with one of your grandparents? I'm going to be completely honest: I have none that are exceptionally important to me. I only knew one grandmother most of my life, and we had a turbulent relationship. Would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships? Naaaaah son. What was the most drastic change you made to your appearance? Chopping 8+ inches of hair off. Is there anything you hope your significant other/future significant other never finds out about you? No. I don't want to keep secrets from them above all others. What are most of your Facebook posts about? If you're talking things I actually compose myself and not share, probably pictures of my pets, haha. Or small statements regarding political issues or mental health. What’s your favorite part of the song that you’re listening to? The beat. Who was the last person you got into a small argument with? Probably my mom, idk. How warm do you like your showers/baths to be? Pretty hot. In the past year, have you lost weight or gained weight? How much? Gained... and I'd rather not share. What year was the last car you rode in/drove? I have zero clue, but it's old. What’s your worst/funniest experience with one of your neighbors? The neighbors at my childhood home had two wonderful rottweilers, but one day they got loose and killed at least one of our kittens. It died in my hands. Mom was fucking livid and sobbing. Besides this occasion though, we got along with them. How much alone time is too much for you before you start going crazy and want to be around people? It depends on the day, really, and how entertained I am in my alone time. Generally, one day of total isolation (from people, anyway) is enough for me to want my mom's company at least or to be texting Sara. The last time you burned your tongue or mouth, what were you eating? A pizza roll burned my tongue just a tad. Honestly, are you shallow? Not at all. Besides clothes, shoes, and accessories, what’s your favorite thing to shop for? S N A K E S ! ! ! I could LIVE on the Morph Market website and "window shop." I love planning out the next morph I'm most interested in adopting. If you have/had any facial piercings, what side are they on? Any reason you chose that side? If you don’t have any, if you had to get a facial piercing what would it be and what side would it be on? I have a vertical labret on my lower lip that goes directly down the center of my face. I chose it because I love the symmetry. I've had my right nostril pierced twice, just because I preferred that side for whatever reason. What, would you say, is your sexiest/most provocative article of clothing? I don't own anything like that. I have zero interest in showing off my body. Do/did you have attendance problems in school? I was notoriously tardy for the first class of the day a lot because I was an absolute beast to drag out of bed all the way up to college. Does/did your parents ever go through your computer or cell phone? Mom did. What song reminds you the most of a particular day in your life? Why is that? "Where the Wild Wolves Have Gone" by Powerwolf is a strong one. I played it again and again the day Teddy was put down, even before we went to go euthanize him. It was my inspiration to one day spread his ashes at Yellowstone in wolf territory. As much as I'd love to keep his ashes forever, like, what happens after I die? And my sisters? Eventually, that container will lose meaning and probably be discarded, so I want to return him to nature. Do you have any close friends that were adopted? No close ones. Who, in your opinion, is the best thriller writer? Idk. Does your Mom eat meat? Yeah. Do you prefer thick or thin crusted pizza? THICK. Thin crust is an utter disappointment. Do you have any friends with the same name as you? No. Who has the prettiest middle name you know? Ha, I mention Alon a lot when it comes to beauty... I can't remember what it is, but I do know hers wins. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier? No. It makes me go to bed earlier. Can you touch​ your nose with your tongue?​​ No. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are there any shows that your friends seem to be obsessed with, but that you just don’t get? Oh, loads. How old was the last child that you spoke to? She's six. What’s a song that makes you feel happy? "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen, for one. How far in advance do you prefer to plan? It depends, but generally kinda far. Do you always smile for pictures? With other people, yes. Some selfies, no, but usually. What are you most excited about right now? my MOTHERFUCKIN tattoo appointment in MAY!!!!!!!!!!! Do you prefer the aisle, middle, or window seat on a plane? Window seat, zero doubts. Where would you like to volunteer? I wanna help at an animal rehab. What was the last thing you ate? A strawberry and grain granola bar thing. How do you find new music? Usually YouTube recommendations. What’s your favorite city? I don't have one. What makes your bedroom special to you and what is your favorite part about it? It's a total nests of my various interests. My favorite part is my meerkat collection. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? God no. I haven't shaved my legs since October lmao. Would you get married if you could right now? Definitely not right now. I don't have a job or my own place. What is your favorite type of jewelry (i.e. bracelets, necklaces, etc.)? Chokers. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to? No. I was wholeheartedly in love with him. What was the shittiest hotel you’ve ever stayed at and why? I've never stayed in a bad one, to my recollection. Have you ever gone on a boat and been sick the whole time? No. Have you ever kept something from the wild as a pet? A turtle for a little while, yes. Don't do that. Ever win first place for something? Yeah, a few things. What was the last thing you fell off of? Idk. Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? No. What’s the most confusing book you ever read? The style in which Johnny Got His Gun is written is very confusing, but you adapt to understand it. Jumping back and forth from the past to the present can give ya some metaphorical whiplash. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? No. Has anyone ever called your personality dull? Do you agree with them? No. Have you ever personally witnessed a drug deal before? Possibly. Ever have an ultrasound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I can't remember what they were checking for, but I was fine. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Colleen's house, yes. Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? Nope; got no interest. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah, not for me. Do you enjoy being outdoors? Only if it's cool out, in which case yeah. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? Not anymore. I just think about the terrified animals (wild and pets alike) and traumatized veterans. Do you enjoy tanning? Not at all. Which of the seven deadly sins do you commit the most? Sloth. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Yeah. Creepy fuckers. How long was your first relationship? I actually don't remember how long Aaron and I were together... other than it was just a few months. Who was the first person to break your heart? My dad, generally speaking. Romantically, Jason. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? I don’t know. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yeah. What did the last key you used go to? The car's trunk. Is there anything, any event, you wish you could remember more clearly? I honestly do wish I remembered my "first time" because that's a pretty big deal to me. What’s your biggest priority right now? My mental health. If you’ve stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself? I've done that numerous times, and given there was nothing good on the TV ever, I just slept time away or read. Since every time I was suicidal, there were very, very few things you were allowed to have. Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet? EW no. Are your hands unsteady? Yes; I have what's called an essential tremor in both. Are your legs long or short? They're proportional to my body. Is there a bookshelf in your room? No. Do you own a robe? What color is it? No. Who’s the last person you smoked weed with? I've never done it. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? No. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Yeah, my sisters in the past. Is there anything you need to talk about with someone? No. Who was the last person who cried around you? My mom. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. What band was on the last band t-shirt you wore? Korn. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Maybe snakebites. Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? Nah. I only ever really did once or twice when I had snake eyes. Honestly, have you ever purchased something, worn it, and then returned it? Possibly? If you could have your own house anywhere in the world, where would it be? In the mountains in a nicely wooded area with a waterfall close by. It'd be nice to have a small stream or pond too to sit or swim in. If you could create a holiday - what would it be? I wish the legalization of gay marriage in America was a legitimate holiday. Are you shy about singing in front of people? OHHHHH YES. Do you own a robe? Do you sleep with a sleep mask? No.