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#i wasnt the one who discovered it i saw a couple comments on some of the videos abt it
wickedpact · 3 years
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You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.
[cracks knuckles] if u insist
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nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van
'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg
5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible
noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her
i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years
i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.
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i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years
'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day
tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad
tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you
joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'
it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped
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joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.
nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2
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wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line
on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'
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i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job
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'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺
noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime
joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.
sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.
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i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong
i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years
joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years
joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE
joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you
joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops
theyre forgiving af
moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???
nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?
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alright andy you got me there
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joe texts like my aunt
i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.
the drowning sequence was cool
copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great
ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam
nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?
it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy
nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her
pinstripe suit guy!
joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile
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andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho
i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one
also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.
on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way
tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.
anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10
i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl
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anotherbeingsworld · 3 years
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Nepenthe (Lennox X Bryce)
Pairing: Bryce x F!MC (Lennox Hirata - owned by @arcticlumineer )
Inspo: Stars by Alessia Cara.
Summary: A small getaway after the previous events, a small conversation under the night sky.
A/N: I was planning to post something and here it is, something I manage to write during this whirlwind. Life is a hard road, but... I am not giving up yet. I have felt like that before, and I know.. it’s been 2 days I couldn’t let myself go, tumblr felt like one place I could be myself with somehow? ; and I am very excited for this fic. One of my favourites to write actually. This fic was dedicated mostly to my Mario( @arcticlumineer ) and Lennox is her MC. Somehow, a continuation to her fic ‘Binary Stars’ that all of you should check it out too! She has been fighting and, she will keep on fighting. You deserve everything Alaska and so much more, and I hope you loved this as much as I loved writing it.  - Your Luigi. 💙
Thank you @mvalentine for assuring me that it is not a crappy one! I love you, and to all that reached out in the comments and messages, I appreciate all of you so so much! Thank you 💖💖💖 I will try to get some time on my own in a way, and maybe there is hope after all. I hope all of you enjoy it! It wasnt my best, but... it came from the heart and I hope you all love it. I will be back with more Bryce and Casey very soon!  <3
Tags:  @bitchloveskcbaseball , @storyofmychoices @jaxsmutsuo , @mvalentine , @princess-geek , @lahellacute , @kacie-0156-deactivated20200905 , @this-person-is-busy , @annekebbphotography , @brycelahel, @mrsbhandari , @dcbbw , @choicessa , @choices-confessions , @aylamwrites , @fantasyoverreality98 , @drakewalker04 , @baltersome , @ofpixelsandscribbles , @thundergom  @starrystarrytrouble, @ohramsey , @kelseaaa  , @rookie-ramsey , @bratzlahela , @ohvamsey , @choicesficwriterscreations , @soft-for-drake , @lalizah , @drethanramslay , @arcticlumineer , @choicesstan1 , @aveeiro
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Nepenthe (noun) - Something that makes you forget pain and suffering. 
Knock on my door, boy come home
You stay in my head
Lay in my arms, why won't you?
It's been way too long, what you waiting on?
It was a long drive, as they finally reached the Grand Canyon, one of the wonders of the states. Bryce never agreed on a 3-day trip of driving from Boston to the infamous canyon. After a long 40 hours of driving, and stopping. Bryce and Lennox has arrived at the spot, where it was almost sundown.
Lennox was the one who suggested upon the idea, as she wanted a new experience including taking a long trip to Arizona, after the tragedy strikes. They were given a leave as, Bryce took a few measures along with infamous pick-up lines to convince Harper on taking a leave. It worked, and here they are.
‘We are here!’ A surprisingly enthusiastic Lennox get out of the car, as she took a breath of the fresh air. It smells very weird, but it’s definitely not Edenbrook. She loved Edenbrook, but she felt a new environment was needed. A new space for her to breath, as the sun was about to set in an hour.
‘Let’s get ourselves cozy, Hirata here take the food.’ An exhausted Bryce was heard, as Lennox marched into the back of the car taking the basket of food for the night. They didn’t packed much, except a few unhealthy ones, and some take-out from their journey which is enough to survive the night.
Bryce took care of the rest, as they hike their way up the canyon. It wasn’t the prettiest view at the time being, but he felt happy to take her out here. Away from the commotion of their work life, where it was only them against the real world. Including Keiki too.
After a long hour of hiking, they finally reached one of the many tops of the canyon. It was a perfect view of the whole lot, as Lennox placed the food, as Bryce gets the stuff ready. He lays out a large blanket, and Lennox sat on top of it as soon as she could. A small price of enthusiasm as he lets out a small chuckle, taking a seat next to her. It was quiet, as they were the only beings that were known there.
The sun has already set, as they ate their subway take-outs. It wasn’t the best after a long drive, but their tummies are full and that’s what matters. After a session of eating, Lennox found herself staring at the night sky. It was dark, as the source of light was from their phones and a couple of emergencies flashlight but, the moon above them were doing the work.
Bryce felt himself staring at her, a small gesture that he would do everytime. He adored her, from the very first time he saw her. She was strong, kind, empathetic despite the sass she owns. Lennox Hirata was her own woman, and Bryce found himself falling for her, despite their feelings haven’t returned. At least, not yet.
He realizes his feelings towards her, after the funeral. The fear of losing her, was seen within him as he lets his walls down for her. Something he had tried so hard on doing, a small sacrifice for the chance to reduce the pain little-by-little. Somehow, Lennox felt like his weakness, the fear of never seeing her again lingers in his mind, a broken record that was played over and over again.
The flashback from before, replayed once more as he remembered witnessing Lennox, in a weak state. She wasn’t the cheerful person he knows, as the light in her eyes had disappeared since that day. Followed by losing two of the closest people in her life in front of her eyes, an event that one will never forget.
‘…Earth to Bryce...’ Her voice was heard, looking worried at his state.
Bryce shook his head, as an attempt to bring his consciousness back into reality. A smile was plastered on his face, as the tears started to fall a bit.
‘What’s wrong?’ She never understand why, but every time she witness of Bryce being vulnerable. She felt her heart break a little, somehow seeing one of the most confident people in her life, willing to share this part of his life with her, a misfit in disguise? Lennox Hirata.
‘..That moment, its playing in my mind Len. I know you told me, you are okay. Look, you are. But-‘ He found himself pause.
‘I kept on imagining the worst, there were moments where I woke up thinking that you are not here anymore. You were taken away from me, and…it terrifies me.’ He took a deep breath, as he lets the truth out, something he had been experienced lately, as he found himself imagining the worst whilst encouragement from Keiki.
‘C’mon, its in the past Bryce…it’s okay’ Lennox tried to brushed the topic of, a saddened look on her face.
‘No, you could’ve died. It’s serious.’ He replies with a hint of hurt in his voice.
‘But, I am here now. I am here with you, and I’m not going anywhere alright?’ She closed the gap between them, and pulled him into a hug. She didn’t realize, she felt her tears were falling too. She remembered that night all too well, she almost died. The night where she knew her life had changed one way or another. Witnessing Bobby’s and Danny’s death, was a hard pill to swallow.
After the hug, they pulled away. She was never the one to show affection, but she always loved the little things. She was never a fan of public display of affection, but holding each other’s hands, cheek kisses, hugs, and many more were her way of affection. A small squeeze of a hand, the common gesture for them both.
She took his hand in hers, as his big ones covering her tiny one. They weren’t a perfect fit, but it felt right. Giving it a small squeeze, as crying wasn’t apart of the plan.
Silent tears was heard, as they both lie down on the blanket, somehow their faces were facing each other.
He never looked more beautiful.
She looks like an angel from above.
He brushed the hair was covering her eyes, as they continue to stare upon the night sky. The world was sleeping, as the surroundings was empty. It was them, and them only. The moon shines brightly above them, as the twinkling light of the stars were seen. A small callback to their planetarium date, the moment where she was discovering the feeling that was hovering in her mind on a certain figure named Bryce Lahela.
‘I fought and I survive, but… why do I feel like life is more than that?’
She glances his way, hoping for an answer. Both of them were silence, as neither know the answer.
‘..I remember the day I left Hawaii, left everything behind.. I feel like, I was helpless and I couldn’t survive on my own. It felt a long road, and…after all those obstacles… I am here where I was meant to be. Life is definitely more than surviving, its the feeling of not giving up and keep going despite how many bumps life give you one way or another.’
Bryce replies as both of them continue on gazing the stars,  it was shining brightly. It felt like, she was somewhere far far away from the real world upon stepping into space.
‘If it is meant to be? How do you know this isn’t a fatal coincidence?’
‘You do have a lot of questions don’t you Len?’ He smiles, finally after all the crying they have done.
‘Hey, I am a curious human being. It’s my nature after all.’ She winks, as her eyes gazed over the galaxy above them.
‘Well, curious human being. I am at your service, hit me with your best shot.’
She raised an eyebrow, earning a questionable look from him.
‘What?’
‘The question earlier dummy.’ Lennox lets out a laugh, as their laughter fills the void surrounding them.
‘Ahhh… where do I begin..’ He mimicking the scary professors from those crappy haunted movies, that made her cringe so bad.
‘Just cut to chase Lahela.’ Lennox demanded with a hint of laughter in her voice, earning herself a sensual wink from him.
‘Ok, okay. Hold your horses Hirata! I don’t feel like I have been paying attention much to how life works, but…I believe that everything has been written in the stars. Every step of this ride, have been written down in the stars and its our chance to see it unfold when the time has come..’
Lennox felt herself humming to a song that has been in her mind for the past week, Stars by Alessia Cara.
Piercing lights in the dark make the galaxy ours
Kingdom right where we are
Shining bright as a morning, you'll never be lonely
Just promise you'll love me, I'm never too far
And we'll never part
And we could be stars
Bryce was somehow stunned? As, her voice flowed through the night. She felt herself flushed, as she punched him lightly on the shoulder. A small act that ended up with laughter.
‘Tonight, it felt like the stars are looking down on us. Just, shining our lives in a way a light would do. It feels lonely out here on our own, but… looking above, the stars felt like a companion to us. I.. have always loved the stars. There was a moment… years ago, I was alone in my room. It was night time, and I was lucky enough to have a view on my bedroom window. It was spectacular, as the stars felt like something out of the painting, and I dreamed of touching it with my bare hands.’ She explained, with a smile on her face with her hands forward as an attempt to capture the stars which is impossible but, she didn’t care. It felt like she was a child once more, living this world with a huge dream ahead.
‘That sounds …amazing.’ His eyes linger on her for a while, somehow a small smile was formed of from adoration. I love her, he thought silently as his eyes soften at the sound of giggles coming out from her.
They continue on their small adventure, until it was dawn. An hour before, after exchanging stories, including those that made her laugh till her tummy hurts.
‘You know, we have known each other for two years now.’ She stated.
‘Yeah?’
Lennox nodded, somehow in disbelief at how far they have come from becoming strangers to falling in love silently with him which she didn’t feel like admitting too yet. 
‘It somehow felt like a lifetime ago…’
She said quietly, as Bryce nods in agreement taking her hand in his.
‘Yeah, but… we still have a whole life ahead of us right?’
He looked at her, with a hint of hope in his eyes. A new path was suddenly carved, a whole lot of adventures that will followed them. Lennox Hirata’s adventures at Edenbrook started a lifetime ago, as she fought for life, death, friendships, and even love. There were still pages in her book waiting to be written, as she said yes to a whole life ahead, a life where she will keep on fighting to be the person who she was meant to be with the present of those who she loved and cared deeply.
THE END.
 A/N: Hi, dropping by again. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and know that.. hope is always there. I realized it and, I hope it’s always gonna be there. And, @arcticlumineer​ you are gonna fight this. I believe in you. <3 
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soheila-1996 · 4 years
Text
My story- part two
Hi! Thank you all so much for all the lovely comments and support I got on the first part! It made me wanna write a second! 
My little disclaimer: 
I have epilepsy. This details my seizures, I can’t speak for everyone, everyone’s seizures/ experiences are different. This is graphic. Seizures are messy. They aren’t fun and it felt wrong to make it out to be cute when they really aren’t.   Pretty much all the things that happen in the plot have happened to me. Well, I’m not married to a king or live in a palace so…there’s that but everything else is accurate.  There may be some jokes about it here because I do joke about it sometimes. It makes me more comfortable and I find it helps relax everyone around me. I’m also writing about it because there really aren’t that many fics written about it and I think it’s important to shine light on it.
Any feedback would be really appreciated! :)
Tagging people who shared the first part. You don’t have to read it! I just thought you might want to see what happens: @kacie-0156, @texaskitten30, @cordonianroyalty, @kingliam2019, @bebepac, @kingliam-rys, @cordonia-gothqueen, @kimmiedoo5, @bbrandy2002, @loveellamae, @bobasheebaby
This is also part of wacky drabbles hosted by @emceesynonymroll. The prompt this week is: #38: Please don’t leave. 
Paring: Liam and Riley
Warnings:  Blood, hospital setting. 
Word count: 5261 
(Riley’s POV) 
I woke up the next morning sore. Everywhere was achy. My tongue felt like it had been speared, I hadn't really noticed it the night before. I was so tired and still a little ‘seizure drunk’ that I hadn't realised. 
I’m in my bed but I can’t remember coming to bed the night before. The last thing I remember is coming back to the apartment and explaining to everyone about my epilepsy then we decided to put a movie on- I must have fallen asleep and Liam probably had carried me to bed.
I really don’t deserve him.
I turned over to be met with empty cold sheets. His side of the bed was unmade so he had slept here but he was nowhere in sight. He was probably still mad. I don’t blame him. I'd be a little pissed had I just found out he had a serious medical condition that he never told me about. 
I hate talking about it. I don't understand why though. It’s not something I can control or should be ashamed of but in a way I am. I’ve always longed to be normal and before last night everyone thought that I was and I, if i'm being honest, loved it. I revelled in being like everyone else for once. 
I turned back onto my  back, throwing my head back against the pillow as I let out a drawn out sigh. I feel like I’ve messed everything up. It’s like I’m back when I messed everything up with Tom, my ex, he found out about my epilepsy and left. I had a seizure in front of Ben, another ex, my high school crush, and like Tom, he left after saying some pretty disgusting things to me. I know that my seizures aren't pretty, I know they're scary but I have no control over them. If I had it my way I wouldn't have them. 
Jacob- my last boyfriend before Liam, he wasnt as ignorant as the last two. He tried to be there for me like a normal boyfriend but he just couldn't seem to let it go. He was constantly on edge that I'd have a fit. Eventually, it got too much for the both of us and so our relationship came to an end. Now, I’m scared of what’s going to happen with Liam. I don't want to lose him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. 
I’m just hoping we can find a way to move forward. Together. 
A few minutes went by before I decided to throw the comforter off of me and get out of the bed. I winced slightly as I stood. I had forgotten how much my muscles always ache after a seizure. It’s horrible. All of it is horrible. 
I opened the bedroom door after taking down my robe off the back then padded toward the kitchen. I lingered outside of the half-closed door when I heard Liam’s voice coming from inside.
“...That’s not the point Drake. The point is what if she had a seizure and no one was there or knew about it? What if she does have one and she’s alone? What if her stubborn nature comes out and she doesn't tell anyone when she’s not feeling well?”
I felt my heart sink down into my stomach. Liam is stressed anyway and I've just added to it.  I feel terrible, physically and mentally. He doesn't need to constantly worry about me. I don’t want him to constantly worry about me, he’s my husband not my carer. 
I needed to face the music so to speak so I pushed the door fully open. The squeaking of the door opening got both men's attention. It wasn’t until I was fully in the room I realised, Hana and Maxwell were also here too. 
Everyone looked at me expectantly, “Liam, all I can do is tell you that I’ll be honest. I’ll tell someone when I'm not feeling well. I know you have no reason to trust me after the stunt I pulled last night but...I’m still the same person I was before last night. Please, please don’t treat me differently,” I’m pleading with him and my friends now although I know I don't really have a right to ask for anything not after all the chaos I’ve caused. 
Liam and I briefly locked eyes. Liam sighed and opened his arms. “Come here.” 
I didn't hesitate to walk into his embrace. I clung tightly to him. I’m scared and he’s the only thing that ever makes me feel safe. Like everything will be okay. 
I felt him wrap his arms around me tighter and place a kiss on the top of my head. “You really scared me last night, Ri,” Liam told me quietly, “I’m just glad you’re okay.” He pecked my head again as he let me go and stepped back.I looked up to him and gave him a reassuring smile. “How are you feeling?” 
“I’m okay,” I nodded, he raised an eyebrow at me. “I’m a bit sore but that’s normal.” Liam nodded. I understood his concerns about me not telling him about how I'm really feeling. I just have always found it difficult to be honest about it. 
A few moments of awkward silence went by. No one knows what to say, I don’t know what to say or how we go from here. There’s no guide on what to do when your wife of two years drops an epilepsy bombshell. 
Drake finally broke the silence, “His Majesty over here was just bragging about how, he, in his own words ‘make the best pancakes.’ We were just about to put that to the test, weren’t we Li? Before Brooks interrupted.” 
I saw Liam’s eyebrows crease as he looked to his oldest friend. Drake shot him a look enough to tell him to just go along with it. 
Liam smiled, it was his fake, forced one. I could always tell, his real one always showed his pearly white teeth and reached his eyes. This one his lips were in a tight line and his eyes didn't twinkle. 
“Yeah,” he nodded. 
I, of course, knew it was a cover but I was thankful for Drake’s distraction. Drake and I sat down on one side of the table and Maxwell and Hana on the other as Liam got started on mixing together the ingredients. 
A little while later, we all had our  own plates full with pancakes. We all dug in silently. It was awkward, not a comfortable silence at all. 
I placed my fork down just as everyone else was just finishing there’s. I hadn’t  finished all of mine, when I chewed the cut on the side of my tongue brushed painfully up against my teeth.
“Guys…,” I started but was promptly cut off by Maxwell. I could tell last night that  he was hurt I didn’t  tell him. 
“Just promise us that you’ll tell us when you’re not feeling well next time, Little Blossom.” 
“That and take your medication,” I heard Drake mumble from beside me. 
“Okay,” I nodded, ignoring Drake’s snarky comment.  “I’ll tell one of you.” 
“Promise?” Maxwell asked me. 
“I promise.” 
Maxwell held out his pinky. I promptly wrapped my own little finger around his from across the table. “You can’t break a pinky promise,” Maxwell reiterated.
“I know, Max,” I sighed as I let go of him and placed both my hands back down into my lap. 
“We’re all just worried about you,” Hana spoke up. I nodded in understanding. Here comes the pity party. “But we can get through anything together.” 
We all stayed there for a little while, each of them reiterating how much they loved and supported me. They were honestly the best group of friends I could ever have asked for. They loved me no matter what and I loved them too. 
Later that day, I discovered the surprise Liam had in store was a trip to go to our honeymoon island in a couple weeks time. Our diaries were both packed and that was the only time we could make the trip.  Leo and Katie also had headed back to the States that evening. 
They had  all checked in now and again but not too annoyingly. It had been a bit overboard over the first couple of days but their overprotectiveness was easing off a bit. Thankfully. 
I still was having trouble sleeping and not getting enough so I started sometimes having a nap during the day when I had the time to do so. Liam had taken on some of my responsibilities, I hadn't been pleased about that but I needed to sort my sleep out and he was aware that a lack of sleep and stress was a massive trigger for me. 
Everything had changed that night but nothing really changed- if that makes sense? For two years my condition had been my dirty little secret and now it was finally out in the open, I was hardly going to go shouting it from any rooftops anytime soon but I felt much closer to everyone. I hadn't realised how much I had been distancing  myself.  
Liam had taken it better than I had expected. He, of course, was worried but he didn't overwhelm me with it. He  asked me questions about it as well as doing research on my type of seizures to try and understand as much as he could. He wasn't like Jacob, he could at times be overbearing with his desire to know everything about my condition. 
If I was honest all of my friends had been phenomenal. It was only our tight knit group that knew about it still. I didn't feel a need to announce it to an entire country and so I didn’t. 
All in all, I felt better than I had for a long, long time. 
I still should have told everyone about it at the beginning but my fear that they’d see me differently, that they’d treat me differently had gotten in the way but they had all proven me wrong time and time again. 
It was the day of The Five Kingdoms festival, It had originally meant to have been a few weeks ago but the weather had been appalling so it was rearranged for a day with much nicer, inviting weather. It's the only day of the year that the palace is open to the Cordonian Public so naturally we wanted as many of our citizens as possible to attend. 
Liam and I  had been gallivanting  around the palace grounds, playing games and talking with our people. It was the normalcy that I had always wanted, with a husband who didn't treat me like I’m made of glass. 
A little while later, I slipped back inside the palace and headed to the nearest toilet which ended up being in my apartment. I’ve lived here for two years and I still don't know where anything is.  I needed to go and couldn't hold it in any more. I had tried to find one of my friends or husband just to let them know in case they needed me but the crowd was massive so it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack so I headed in on my own. It wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t need a babysitter. 
I had  just done what was needed and was standing by the sink, washing my hands when I felt my stomach roll.
Oh no.
I, initially, ignore it. I had been ignoring feeling sick for a little while, I thought it was just because I haven't eaten much today but then my arms started to go numb and I know what’s coming.  I’m all alone and I know I won't be able to make it to Liam or one of my friends in time. 
“Oh no, no, ” I whispered to myself. I reached into my back pocket in my pants and pulled out my cellphone as I carefully lowered myself down onto the cold, bathroom tiles. 
Still sitting up, I unlocked my phone and looked for Drake’s contact. I know Liam doesn't take his phone with him to royal events. 
I fumbled with the device, my arm doesn't want to cooperate properly. I hit a contact, I just hope it’s the correct one. 
Everything is becoming confusing again. I lie down with the phone beside me. I don’t really remember where I am and why I’m here. 
I heard the phone ringing in the distance and Drake’s gruff voice come through on the other end. “Brooks?” 
I don’t know what to say, I’m not sure what to say so I don’t talk. “Brooks, are you okay?” 
I try to speak but it comes out as a whimper. Why is this happening again?! I took my meds, I followed the rules! 
Drake’s tone changed, “Brooks, talk to me. What’s wrong?” 
It takes more effort than it should but I manage to get out a jumbled sentence, “I dun’t feel good,” my voice is slurred, I’m talking like a child. 
I vaguely hear Drake curse. “Okay...Where are you?” He sounds out of breath to me. 
I looked around me. I’m not sure where I am.  
Am I on the ceiling? 
I don’t understand. 
My head fell to the side, no I'm on the floor, I’m sure.  It’s cold under my back. I still can't figure it out though. 
I can’t think. 
I can’t tell Drake where I am!
“I-I don-” I started, my voice is so slurred I don't think Drake can understand me. “S-scared,” I squeaked. That's all I know right now. I’m scared. 
“I know. It’s going to be okay.” I don’t remember Drake’s voice being so echoey. “Riley, listen to me...you need to tell me where you are.” 
Drake’s not here but I can hear him. How? 
I feel myself beginning to gag and I’m sure Drake hears it too because he’s telling me to roll over onto my side.  That’s hard. My limbs don't want to cooperate but I manage it and the vile stuff easily flows out of my mouth. 
My fear mounts. What’s happening to me?! 
I can’t focus on anything, my eyes are darting around the room. It’s making me more dizzy and disoriented but I need to know where I am. 
“Li-” I’m trying to talk again but my voice is still jumbled. 
“It’s Drake,” he told me. Drake? I don’t understand. It sounds familiar but I can't picture him. 
I- Where am I?
I try to move but I can’t. My limbs feel heavy and I don’t have the strength to lift them anymore. 
I just want this all to stop!
(Drake POV) 
I’m weaving  in and out of the crowd around me, my phone still against my ear. Riley’s scared whimpers coming through from the other end. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. Riley is like my sister and she’s scared, in trouble and I don’t know where she is so I can help her. I need to find Liam and I need to find her but I don’t know where either of them are! 
I know she’s still conscious, she’s mumbling something incoherent. I’m trying my best to reassure her but I don’t think she understands.  
Finally, I found Liam. He’s apple bobbing with someone. I ran over to him, Bastien is standing near him and is the first to notice the panicked look on my face.  I walked past Bas and straight to Liam, I tapped him on the shoulder. He immediately stood back up to his full height turning to face me. 
“What’s wrong?” He asked me, his eyebrow creased with concern. 
“It’s Riley,” I told him. I quickly passed him the phone as we stepped away from the now curious onlookers. “I can’t get her to tell me where she is. I think she's going to have a seizure.” Liam eagerly took the phone out of my hand, putting it immediately to his ear. 
(Liam’s POV) 
Drake had just handed me his phone telling me that my wife was going to have a seizure and nobody knows where she is!
I can hear her scared whimpers coming through  the other end. “Love? Riley, can you hear me?” I asked. Panic is evident  in my tone but I’m really trying to keep myself composed. 
I really am. 
Last time was terrifying but at least that time people were there to help her. I was there to help her. This time nobody is there to help. 
“Riley?” I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I’m sure it's about to come right out of my ribcage if it carries on. 
Drake, Bastien and I are now walking inside the palace. It was only Riley’s voice coming from the other end  so we made the evaluation that she wasn’t outside in the crowd and must be back in the palace somewhere. 
She’s not talking but I can  hear her crying. “Love? Riley, can you talk to me please?” 
“I don–” I heard her stutter. I can hear in her voice that she’s scared and confused. “What is…? I don’t…” She said, trailing off. 
“Riley, it’s okay,” I told her but it’s not. None of this is okay, “You’re just a little bit confused, sweetheart. That’s all.” 
Through her sobs she said, “Li? I don’t feel good.”
“It’s okay, Riley. It’s all going to be alright,” I told her, trying to soothe her. We’re still walking around the palace- well, actually we're running around like mad men but we need to find her. 
So many things are going through my head, so many worst case scenarios. I can barely hear myself think. I just need to find her, if I find her It’ll all be okay. 
“Li, I dun’t feel glood,” She told me again. Her words have become more jumbled  now. She’s speaking to me like a child who's just learning their first words. That’s okay though, I know she’s still awake and I’ve still got time to find her. 
I froze mid-step as I heard her crying stop and then less than a second later,  heard  the sickening sound of her limbs flailing  and hitting the floor below her. “Shit. Shit. Shit,” I whispered to myself.
My eyes widened as my panic mounted. 
I listened closely, hearing for anything that could suggest where she is..then I heard it,  dogs barking in the background. 
She’s in the apartment!
I started running, not giving Drake or Bastien any indication of where I was going or an explanation.
 I was on the other side of the palace! 
I don’t think I've ever ran this fast in my life. I can hear Drake and Bastien behind me, I assume they’re both  aware of what’s happening by now. I can still hear her limbs hitting the floor and the dogs barking in the background. 
I’m really starting to panic. My legs aren't taking me to our apartment fast enough. I need to get to her! Now! 
Another minute, another minute too long and I finally rounded the last corner, it took me slightly off balance as my left foot skidded but I managed to get back on track. 
My lungs feel like they’re screaming for air but I don’t stop. I  can see the door now! 
Finally, I reached it and threw it open. I was greeted by both of the also panicked looking corgis, scratching at my legs. I looked around, she’s not in the living room, kitchen, bedroom. 
I left the bedroom and headed down another little corridor and saw the bathroom door closed. I don't waste any time opening it. 
I opened it hurriedly but cautiously. I don't know where she is and I don’t want to hurt her. Luckily, she’s in the middle of the floor. She’s not seizing anymore, she’s laying flat on her back. Her eyes are slightly open but I don't think she’s awake. 
I don’t waste any time getting down on my knees beside her. I quickly placed Drake’s phone down away from us, there’s a little bit of blood pooling out from the corner of her mouth and I notice the sick on the other side of her. I don’t know how long she’s been laying here like this. The phone had cut off a little while ago. 
I quickly pull her towards me, over onto her side. A little bit of blood flows from her mouth and onto the bathroom floor tiles. 
Something feels really wrong to me. Her breathing isn't right. I placed my hand on her chin and opened her mouth properly. She gags and coughed as more of the blood tinged spit came out.
“It’s alright, Love,” I whisper quietly to her.
(Riley’s POV)
My eyes fluttered open slightly. Whatever I’m laying on is cold beneath me. I can see a figure in front of me only a few inches away  and that’s when I start to panic . 
My vision is disfigured. 
I can’t hear. 
I can’t move. 
I feel something behind me, jumping up on me. I don't know what it is but I don’t want it touching me! 
What is it?! 
Get it off!
I try to squirm away and whatever I was is pulled away from me. I didn’t get far, I’m so tired and my body doesn't want to cooperate with me.  
Why is it so hard to breathe? 
I look around again, there’s something by my face which I soon discover is my own hand. 
What’s happening to me? 
I can feel somebody touching me- that figure in front of me placed a hand on my arm. I try to get away but I’m unable to. 
….Why can’t I breathe properly? 
It feels like I’ve drank some water and it’s gone down the wrong way. I’m coughing and gagging, trying to get rid of this feeling but it’s not going away. Why isn't it going away?!
My mouth hurts, stung by what tastes like vomit. 
My hearing starts to return to me and my vision begins to sharpen. The figure in front of me moves so their face is in my eye line. It’s Liam. 
I still don’t understand what’s happening. All I know is that it’s hard to breathe. Why? 
My ability to think hasn't quite returned to me yet. I don’t remember how I ended up here. 
I’m staring at Liam now as I splutter about, trying to get air to my agitated feeling chest. I think he’s figured out that i can see and hear him now. He slightly titles his head at me, giving me a soft, comforting smile. 
“Hi, love. It’s okay. I’m here now.” 
I gripped at my chest. Good, my arms are working again. “ C’breathe,”  I tried to say. My sentence was rudely interrupted by a choking sensation that i tried to swallow down but that just made me cough more  
I’m still really confused. The last thing I remember is just a sense of dread, pure fear.  
“What’s hap-” My sentence is cut off by another coughing fit. I felt him as he started running his fingers soothingly through my hair. 
“You had a seizure,” he explained to me calmly,” But you’re okay now.” I nodded, it all slowly but surely starting to come back to me.
(Liam’s POV)
It really is breaking my heart to see Riley struggling and I can’t do anything to help her. I wish I could take all of her pain away from her. She’s the most amazing person I've ever met and doesn't deserve this.
She seems drowsier to me than she did last time. While Riley was waking up Bastien had told me he had called an ambulance as a precaution while we were looking for her and now it’s looking like it’s actually needed. She really is struggling to breathe properly. 
A few minutes go by and she’s still not fully alert. Her eyes looked  up to meet mine, her eyes fluttering as another coughing fit. I smiled reassuringly down at her, “It’s okay. Paramedics are coming and they’re going to help you breathe better, okay?” She nodded sleepily. 
She coughed again and foamy, blood tinged spit came out. I could see her trying  to turn further onto her side but she was struggling. Too weak to do the task on her own. I help her gently back over.
“Liam,” She gasped as she finished emptying out what she could. 
“It’s okay, I’m here.” I gently rubbed her shoulder as I tried to soothe her the best I could. I feel powerless. 
I heard some voices outside of the bathroom- one I recognize and two I didn’t. Drake had taken the dogs away, so they weren't being a nuisance and Bastien had been waiting for the paramedics to arrive, which was who I presumed who he was showing in now.
Riley flinched when the sound of boots and the rustling of bags could be heard, as the medics made their way into the bathroom. I had moved out of the way and sat  down by her feet. I kept a comforting hand on her calf so she knew I was there and wasn’t going to go anywhere.
It was like I was trapped inside of my own head again, like I had been the first time I had witnessed it. It’s the worst feeling in the world when someone you love more than anything is struggling and there’s nothing you can do to help them.
I hate this. 
I had seemed to have zoned out, getting trapped back inside my head, where so many scenarios were racing. The paramedics were treating my wife with a level of urgency that scared me. They had mentioned being concerned about how she was breathing and made quick work of getting out of the palace and into the awaiting ambulance. 
I should have been there! If I had been there then this wouldn’t be happening right now. I should have been there to protect her! 
After a quick ride in the ambulance, we arrived at the hospital, where doctors and nurses immediately got to treating my wife. 
Like I had guessed, she had aspirated on her blood and spit. After I found out about her epilepsy I had done a lot of research and looked into possible complications. I knew that having that much fluid in your lungs is dangerous. The doctors had kept her on oxygen and given her some medication. She could breathe easier now, thankfully. 
Riley was stable now and had been admitted. I was just relieved that she was going to be okay. I was so, so scared when Drake initially told me and then  when I found her that fear only tripled.  
The entire experience had been traumatising for both me and her.
 I never wanted to let her out of my sight again if I’m being honest. I don’t ever want her to be scared, alone and in danger like that ever again. I don't ever want to fail in helping her again. It feels like I’ve failed to protect the one person that means the absolute world to me. The only person that I’m sure I wouldn’t ever be able to live without. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that. 
I headed down the hospital corridor to her room. She was fast asleep in the bed. She looked so tiny and vulnerable. I hate seeing her like this. 
Drake had kindly dropped off a bag for us both, I placed it down by the chair beside her bed as I sunk down into it. It was now the early evening. I’m not entirely sure what had happened with the festival after I left. All I had been told was that  Madeleine had ‘handled it’ whatever that meant. 
I keep thinking over what happened today. This all could have gone very, very differently. 
I try hard to keep back the tears pricking at my eyes but I ultimately fail. I can’t keep them in. I’m so scared of something happening to Riley, like what happened today, or something so much worse. I’m scared of losing her. She means everything to me. 
I quietly get to my feet. I’m planning on just going for a little walk to clear my head. She’s asleep and I know she’s safe here. As I’m about to walk away her hand gripped onto my wrist. I stopped and looked down at her. 
Her eyes sleepily opened fully, “Please don’t leave.” 
“Okay,” I said, sitting back down in the chair and looking over at her.
 Riley rubbed at her tired eyes then scooted over in the bed. She patted the space next to her, “Get in with me,” she ordered me so of course I complied after slipping my shoes off. I wrapped my arms around her as she rested her head against my chest. 
We lay like that for a few minutes.  The silence was broken when I couldn't hold in a sob anymore. Riley sat up slightly, looking up at me. She took one of her hands and wiped away the tear that was falling down my cheek. 
I don’t understand how she’s doing this. I’m supposed to be comforting her, not the other way around. 
“I love you,” I blurted out. My voice cracked and my bottom lip quivered. 
“I love you too,” She said, as she snuggled up closer against me. 
I sniffled then wiped at my now irritated, red, puffy eyes. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry.” 
(Riley’s POV) 
I’m so overwhelmed with guilt right now. I knew this would happen if Liam were to ever find out. I knew he’d blame himself for everything, he always does. It breaks my heart to know my husband is devastated because my brain can't just behave itself.  
This is what I was more scared of. 
I’ve always been treated differently because of my condition- the sad thing is I’m used to it. It’s been a part of my life since I was a little kid. It’s all I really know. I could deal with Liam being overprotective- well, more than he already is to begin with over him being heartbroken over something, neither him or myself, can control. 
I snuggled closer against him. I just want to be close to him right now. 
A short while later, Liam’s sniffling stops  and I look up at him again. Tears are pricking at my eyes as I figure out how to word my next sentence of the offer I had been thinking over and over for the last few minutes. “I don’t want to hurt you…” Damn, the tears are already starting to flow. “If you love someone then you let them go...I’m giving  you an out because I don’t want to hurt you.  I-I don't want this stupid condition  to ruin your life too.”
Liam didn't say anything to start with. My heart sinks as I think he’s considering my offer.  Unexpectedly, he pulled me tighter against him and pecked the top of my head. “I’m never going to leave you. I love you too much to let you go.”
I let out a loud half laugh, half-cry of relief. I don’t want to lose him either. Saying that sentence obliterated my heart. 
I sniffled, “I love you too much to let you go too.”
106 notes · View notes
bangtanfan · 4 years
Text
How Black Swan helped me get back my lost passion
When I was in first grade I wrote my first poem. When I was in third grade I wrote my first story. That's when I fell in love with writing.
I would write every single day. I would stay up until 3-4 am just writing and I loved every single thing about it. I loved writing and I loved what I wrote.
I kept that passion fired up until late in high school when I discovered a website where you can share your stories. I was excited because for so long I was the only one who read my stories. I was excited to share it to people and to have positive feed back. I was so sure I can do it because to me, my stories were great! But it didn't turn out the way I wanted to.
Months passed, I have published 20+ chapters of my stories but there were less than 100 views. There were no comments either. That to me was a failure. I realized that I wasn't as good as I thought I was but that didn't stop me from writing.
I would bring my stories to school, working on them during breaks and even letting my classmates read them. Until one day, while my classmate was reading one of my stories, hw returned my notebook back to me and said that he didn't feel like reading it anymore because it was boring. That was when I started to really doubt myself.
Am I really good at it? Or do I just think that way? For a teenager these comments really hurt a lot. It's something that I loved dearly and something I was really really proud of so when they told me it was boring I was really discouraged.
It didn't help that I still wasnt getting reads on my stories that I published online. It came to the point where I reread all of my chapters to check for grammatical errors or just any mistake. I thought maybe if I wrote it 'perfectly' then people would start to appreciate it.
It went on like that for years. I wrote with perfection in mind. The first thing that I ask myself when I write is if people would like it.
I was still unsuccessful. I was also slowly writing less and less. There was no satisfaction anymore. I felt like there was no point because nobody liked them anyway.
Then came college. It was busier this time. I had no more time for anything other than studying. So I stopped writing altogether. I had 10+ stories that I put on hold.
I busied myself with other things. I wrote my thoughts on paper but I no longer wrote stories. Sometimes the urge to write again would come but every time I open a new notebook I would just stare at it not knowing what to do. It was sad because I realized that the one thing that brought me joy before doesn't bring me happiness anymore. I felt nothing. Then I felt scared.
I was scared when I realized that I was losing my passion. I was no longer the young ambitious girl who stays up all night making worlds and creating characters. I was no longer passionate about writing. I felt so lost because for so long that to me was my identity. I was a writer. Was.
But I just let it go because like I said I was busy with other things.
Until that day when I was reviewing for the board exams. I looked over to the notebooks that I haven't opened in years and I just cried because I remembered what I really wanted to do. I wanted to write. I didn't want to become an accountant I wanted to become a writer but I thought that was impossible because I no longer felt happy.
I was scared because I lost that feeling. I was scared and I was desperately trying to find her, that ambitious girl filled with excitement and fired up with passion but I can't seem to find her anymore.
I wondered, is there anybody out there who felt the same? Is there anyone out there who knows how I feel or am I making a big deal out of nothing?
A couple of days later Black Swan by BTS came out. They were talking about the same things that was going in my head. They were talking about their fears of waking up one day and not liking what they were doing anymore. It was sad. Sad but relatable because that's exactly what I'm feeling!
I felt understood. I felt comforted know that somewhere someone knows how I am feeling. I'm not making a big deal out of it because it is a big deal. It's a genuine fear and it's valid. I wasn't alone.
I took a couple days off after that. I spent some days just contemplating. One question kept me up at night: Why did you start writing anyway? The answer is simple: I loved it.
I started writing because I loved writing. It made me happy when I finish a story. It makes me happy when I start a new story. I love the freedom that it gave me. I loved that everyday, it was a new journey for me. I was happy.
I realized that by putting other people's opinions first when I am writing, I am throwing away that freedom that it gives me.
After that, I deleted all of the works I posted online. I promised myself that I'll start writing again but this time I will write for my own satisfaction. I will write what I want to write not what people want to read. I will write for myself.
I've been slowly writing again. It's still not as much as before but it's a start. This time I'm no longer censoring myself. I no longer think of whether people will like it or not. I feel free.
Honestly, if it wasn't for that song I probably wouldn't have started writing again. I would've thought that it was not a big deal and that it's natural to let go of your childhood dreams as you grow older. But the truth is we dont have to give those dreams up right?
Tldr; Black Swan made me realize that the fear of losing your passion is a true fear but we can get over it as long as we remember why we started doing what we we're doing.
[Intro: Jimin]
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
What’s my thang?
What’s my thang? Tell me now
Tell me now
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Verse 1: Suga]
Ayy, the heart no longer races
When hearing the music play
Tryna pull up
Seems like time has stopped
Oh, that would be my first death
I been always afraid of
[Verse 2: RM]
If this can no longer resonate
No longer make my heart vibrate
Then like this may be how I die my first death
But what if that moment’s right now, right now?
[Pre-Chorus: V, Jimin]
Heartbeat pulsing slow in my ears bump, bump, bump
Try to flee but back into the maw jump, jump, jump
No song affects me anymore
Crying out a silent cry
[Chorus: All]
Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah
My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah
Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah
Killin’ me now, killin’ me now
Do you hear me? Yeah
Sinking slowly like in a trance, nah, nah, nah
Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah
Every moment becomes eternity, yeah, yeah, yeah
Film it now, film it now
Do you hear me? Yeah
[Refrain: Jimin, V]
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
What’s my thang?
What’s my thang? Tell me now
Tell me now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Verse 3: J-hope]
Deeper
Yeah, I think I’m goin’ deeper
I keep losing focus
No, just let go of me
Let my own feet carry me
I'll go in myself
In the deepest depths
I saw myself
[Verse 4: Suga]
Slowly, I open my eyes
I'm in my workroom, it's my studio
The waves
Go darkly by in a throe
But I'll never get dragged away again
Inside I saw myself, myself
[Pre-Chorus: V, Jin]
Heartbeat racing in my ears bump, bump, bump
Eyes wide open into my forest jump, jump, jump
Nothing can devour me
I shout out with ferocity
[Chorus: All]
Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah
My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah
Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah
Killin’ me now, killin’ me now
Do you hear me? Yeah
Sinking slowly like in a trance nah, nah, nah
Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah
Every moment becomes eternity yeah, yeah, yeah
Film it now, film it now
Do you hear me? Yeah
[Outro: Jin, Jungkook]
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
Do your thang
Do your thang with me now
What’s my thang?
What’s my thang? Tell me now
Tell me now
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
11 notes · View notes
damn-stark · 4 years
Text
First day - Ned Leeds imagine
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Ned Leeds x reader
A/N- I was inspired so I wrote this and I hope you guys like it!! :)
Warning- none
Once again you were the new kid in a new school you hated being called that and everyone had the habit of calling you that. It was annoying. But what was more annoying was moving and having to meet new people. And due to that fact you had no friends and when you started to be friend someone you had to move thanks your both of your dads jobs. They both would promise that it would be the last time but it never was and this time they promised the same thing so you made it your goal to not get attatched to anyone. Because if you did then when you left it would hurt that much more.
The one good thing out of this move was that school was just starting so the chances of being called the new kid was less likely. Hopefully. “Come on Y/N! We’re going to be late!” Your dad yelled as he walked out the door. You paused the movie that you had put on while getting ready and started to follow your dad out the door.
“Kiss me on the cheek you will.” Your dad said as he stood in the kitchen. You rolled your eyes at his Yoda impression and kissed his cheek as a way of saying goodbye. “Good luck at school honey see you for dinner okay?”
“Okay thank you and good luck at your job daddy .” You said before closing the door and running to catch up to your other dad who was waiting by the elevator. Your nerves were killing you as realized that you were going to start school today. And being in new city didn’t help with your nerves at all. Your dad tried to calm you down but even that didn’t help at that instant. You kept thinking about the school you had gotten into. The school was a good opportunity for college and what you wanted to do in the future their was no doubt in that but you still couldn’t but feel nervous for any outcome.
“Okay here we are midtown high.” Your dad said as he parked the car. You looked up the window and but the inside of your cheek. “Good luck in their okay? Don’t worry you’ll do fine and you’ll make friends.” Your dad tried to comfort your nervous state and even if his words did bring some sort of comfort when you saw other students your nerves only increased.
“Okay yeah you’re right...okay bye dad love you.”
“Love you too now go before I go in with you.” You laugh nervously and leave in the car. You wave as he leaves and walk towards the school. When you make it to the steps that led to the door you took a deep breath.
“Here we go.” You whisper before opening the doors.
As you walk in and make your way to your locker you already see groups of people talking to one another. You also see couples and just friends sharing their summer adventures and their excitement about their clothing they had bought weeks or days before school. You felt jealous at the sight and after listening to many people talk to their friends. That’s what you wanted to do now. Friends. Or a boyfriend. To share your summer experience that only was watching Star Wars and moving to big city. Yet even if it was boring experience it wouldn’t hurt to share it with someone.
You make it your locker and store things you weren’t going to need just yet. To make more time you stay by your open locker and double check your schedule. Nothing was going to change but you didn’t want to be the first one in class. But.. you also didn’t want to be standing alone so going to class wasn’t a bad idea. You closed your locker and before you could take a step you almost bump into someone.
“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry.” The guy said as he took a step back bumping into his friend. “Oh my gosh are you okay?” He asked. You look up at him and smile.
“Yeah nothing happened I’m fine thank you.” You said . You couldn’t help but notice his shirt and also notice that he had a cute and dorky look to him. “I like your shirt.” You said before you stepped to the side and made your way to class.
-
P.E was your second to last class before school ended and you yet had to make any friends. And to make things worse you still were called the new kid.
“Okay everyone partner up!” The teacher shouted and in no time everyone took no time to make their way to their friends leaving you alone in need of a partner. You looked around and saw a girl reading a book on the bleachers and the same guy that you almost bumped into at the beginning of the day. Usually you would have walked to the girl who looked to occupied on her book but the guy was sort of familiar to you so you made your way to him.
He saw you approach him and you saw him comb back his hair with his hand and then try and shove them into pockets he didn’t have. He had a cute and nervous smile on his smile that made you feel nervous and when you felt that way nothing good usually came out it. You smiled as you stood in front of him neither of you finding any words to say to one another.
“Be my partner you will?” You say in Yoda voice. Your eyes went wide at the realization of what you had just said. You felt your cheeks get warm and the need to run away at his quiet but shocked reaction. You mentally slapped yourself when he had yet to say anything. He had his mouth slightly open and you were about to say something but he beat you to it.
“Yes your partner will I be” He said also doing a Yoda impression . You smile at his answer and you both laugh afterwards.
“Sorry it’s just I got nervous when I came up to talk to you.” You apologized as you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.
“You got nervous to talk to me?” He asked and his comment suprised you a little.
“Yes usually happens you know when I-I Uhmm when I talk to uhhm..c-guys.” You were about to say cute guys but you stopped yourself from getting even more embarrassed then you already were. “Anyway I’m y/n.”
“Uh I’m Ned.” He said with a smile. “So you like Star Wars?”
“You could say that. My dads and me watch all the movies all the time it’s practically all the movies we watch on movie nights.” You explain to him. “Are you?”
“Yes I love Star Wars... you know I don’t know a lot of girls who like Star Wars some of them laugh when I try and talk about it to them.” He said and his words made you feel bad for a moment.
“That’s because you’ve been talking to the wrong girls.” You tease him and he laughs.
“Not anymore.” Your cheeks get warm again and you try and hide the blush that begins to form on your cheeks. The both of you walk around the gym and talk and talk about the movies and your favorite character which to your surprise you both like the same character. Him liking Star Wars was a plus beside him being cute.
The both of you got along very well and it felt like you had known him for years. You both talked and talked it felt like you both had this hidden connection that you both just discovered. You talked to him about how your day had gone so far and how moving to New York was different and harder to get used to. He promised that he was going to show you the best places in Queens.
You were glad that you met him. You made a friend and maybe in time more than friends but for now you were happy that you got share your day with someone. Perhaps your first day wasnt as bad you had thought
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rawnwas · 5 years
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@nunukim-182  here it is! Thank you very much for waiting, I'm sorry it took me so long.   Enjoy it!
Since the kindergarten, I have been a child with difficulties to communicating. I commented on Star Wars all the time, it was very difficult for someone to put up with me. Actually, apart from my parents and my sister Esther, only one person cared about me. Her name was Rebecca Tucker.
Red was my best friend since kindergarten. she always sat next to me at lunch, in class, we worked together at school, and we also sat together on the bus. We even brought different fruits to lunch to exchange them, we went together to the cinema and to a Casa Bonita, it was funny. But all that changed when we got to fourth grade.
in this grade, everyone tried to appear "mature" and groups (some forced) were formed to "improve the interaction". There were the populars, the emos, the ugly ones, among others. red was adjusted immediately between the "hot girls" and me, obviously, with the nerds. I thought this wasnt going to affect our friendship, but as soon as the groups were defined, she started to avoid me and left with her friends.
Although Red avoided me, I continued to observe her and I realized that all our years of friendship were not in vain. I remember one time that she suggested seeing "the attack of the clones" to her friends when they chose which movie to watch at the cinema. Obviously her friends rejected that option for being a "nerd" movie and Red smiled falsely.
Our biggest interaction was on a school trip to "Villarejo dos peregrinos" where everyone said it was 1864. Our teacher told us to make pairs, and Red grabbed my hand instantly. I was surprised, because we hadnt spoken in months. During the tour, we talked as much as we could and i enjoyed her company a lot.
I didn’t realize, but I missed her a lot. Her voice, her smell, her hair, how she played with his strands as he spoke, the freckles she tried to hide with makeup, the perfume she wore ...
all those things that I missed, were back ...
but my joy evaporated as soon as the armed men invaded the place and threatened us.
I stood in front of her when they sat us on the floor, to prevent her from getting hurt. After the men were arrested, Red was so grateful that she sat with me back on the bus, and she forgot her friends during the trip, which sadly lasted only a few hours, and we kept talking. when we arrived, there was still a lot to talk about...
I thought she would continue talking to me later, but no, she was with his friends again. Even so, all those memories would follow my memory.
Even without her, I was not alone all this time. I started sitting at lunch with my friend Bradley, who was also a fan of galaxy wars, and with whom I had many things in common. I can say that at the time Red avoided me, he was my best friend.
besides him, I started to get together with Craig, Token, Tweek, Jimmy and Clyde. Somehow, I fit into their group, and among all of them, Clyde became a close friend. I confess that I felt betrayed when he started dating Red. However, thanks to Master Yoda, his engagement didnt last long.
at some point, I even played with eric, and ended up in Somalia, on a french ship with my laser sword, a heroic moment.
Over time, my interactions with Red decreased. some of her friends discovered her looking at me at lunch, and they started bothering her with that.
one day there was a talk about yaoi art at school and they showed images of Tweek and Craig, doing things that they normally don’t do. unlike the others, I was familiar with this topic and knew very well that tweek and craig were not really gay. I mean, there are a thosands of fanarts and fanfics about obi-wan x Anakin and Spock x Kirk and they are not really homosexual ...
During this event, I saw Red. She behaved like the other girls and found everything very nice. I dont doubt that when returning home, she looked for the two previous couples.
I thought Tweek and Craig were not really gays until they both ended up in front of the whole school. I was surprised with everything Tweek said, never imagined that Craig would be capable of all those things that Tweek said. I was also curious to know who Michael was, who apparently had been guilty of the separation.
The next day, Craig lost the class and Tweek appeared, but he looked very discouraged. Red also looked sad, it was as if the relationship of those two gave her hope for something.
But the next day, Tweek and Craig arrived at school holding hands, to the astonishment of everyone, including myself. Despite the surprise, I was glad that they were together again.
¿Red looked ... hopeful? I had never seen that expression on his face before.
At lunchtime, I sat next to Bradley, as I always did since the beginning of the year. Our table was next to the girls table. I could clearly hear a conversation from Red that caught my attention.
‘’Wendy, when you sayed that every kind of love is magical… you meaned that even a popular girl and a nerd can fall in love and it would be beautiful too?’’
That was not a typical Red question, and her friends noticed it too, so she got everyone at the table to raise their eyebrows. Wendy, meanwhile, took Red's hands and answered dreamily:
"Of course, any kind of love is magic!"
Red smiled shyly and could swear she blushed.
Bradley finished eating and ran away without saying goodbye. I was confused, but I finished my meal too and went out to the courtyard. all my friends were busy doing something, so I decided to sat in a corner to observe.
But before I did, Red appeared in front of me!
‘’Kevin... can we talk?’’ she asked.
‘’of course…’’ I answered surprised.
He took my hand and led me to the most isolated corner of the courtyard.
‘’Kevin ... do you remember that dance we had last year?’’ she asked looking me straight in the eyes and smiling shyly.
Of course I remember it! I smiled widely as soon as the memories arrived.
Flashback~~~~~~
In third grade, we had a dance near the end of the year. I remember well that Red decided to dance with Token, and I was sitting, feeling excluded. No girl wanted to dance with me, and I did not want to dance with anyone else.
It was like this until a girl dressed in a vulgar manner began to kiss several boys, including Token, who left Red aside to go with her.
Red was upset and sat in the stands. I went to talk with her and ask her if she wanted to dance with me, she accepted and we danced until the end of the dance.
After the party was over, they threw us out of the gym and Red sat down to wait for her uncles, and I sat with her to wait for my parents. As Esther was playing with the snow and Craig was playing with her friends, I was alone with her.
We talked and at some point, she took my hand and told me that I was the coolest guy in the entire galaxy. I felt extremely happy and I told her that she was also the coolest girl in the whole galaxy.
But before we could say anything else, the car of her uncles had already arrived for her and craig, leaving me alone with my sister.
~~~~~~~
I must have been thinking about that for a long time, because when I realized, Red was calling me. When I react, she kept talking.
'' ¿So, you still think I’m the coolest girl in the whole galaxy? '' she asked, holding my hands in his.
I thought about it a little. Even after she had avoided me, she was still the coolest girl I had ever met.
‘’ Of course, you are and always will be the coolest girl in the galaxy, and the planets beyond’’ I said without letting go her hands.
She smiled as she looked our joined hands.
‘’ you know kevin ... I still thinking that you’re the coolest guy in all the galaxies and I ... I like you, you know?’’
I was shocked. I also liked her too, actually, I always liked her, even after she started to ignore me.
‘’I… I…’’ I failed to form some phrase.
‘’So ... kevin ... what if you're Han Solo and I'm Princess Leia?’’ she suggested, winking at me.
I smiled. I had not thought of rejecting her, and now, less! she used a low blow!
-yes red! she smiled and hugged me.
As we parted, she grabbed my face, pulled her close and closed her eyes. Before I understood what was happening, our lips joined in a kiss. I felt very excited, it was silly, but in the end it was my first kiss.
‘’let's Rock!’’ she said after kissing me. We ran hand in hand to the courtyard. On the way, Clyde intercepted us.
‘’So ... are you guys together, huh? kevin, I thought these things didn’t interest you!’’ he scoffed, raising his eyebrows. I wanted Clyde to be sent to the farthest planet, from the farthest galaxy.
and somehow, my wish was fulfilled, because tweek and craig passed by holding hands and Clyde ran after them.
However, as soon as he left, Bebe arrived.
‘’I always knew you liked geeks! eh Red? I want to be the godmother of your wedding!’’ she said dreamily.
I wanted her to be sent to a planet farther away than Clyde's. But unlike Clyde, she went faster, winking at us.
When we get to the swing, we take turns pushing ourselves.
From that day, Red and I continued together, as if that separation by groups hadn’t happened. She surprised me with kisses and hugs, and I take my hand, as I always wanted.
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After School Special
So, we start in a high school where a girl is being viciously bullied by a group that she had thought were her friends. She goes to sit at another table and the girl there tries to offer her some support. The bullied girl instead lashes out at the other girl, making her cry and leave. The next day the hurt girl returns and beats the shammed cheerleader before drowning her. We see ectoplasm ooze out of here eye, telling us it is a powerful ghost. Sam later talks to her and thinks she was possessed but knows it can’t be demons.
Sam decides to go to the high school, and Dean is clearly uncomfortable. Dean says they went there for a month ‘a million years ago’ and asks why Sam is so jazzed to go back. It’s interesting because Sam is just doing their job, so it’s obvious Dean is the one who has strong feelings about that school, and they aren’t good ones.
We travel back to November 1997 were Sam and Dean are arriving at Truman High. (Smallville reference with the school, and Dean’s role as a gym teacher is kind of a callback to his role back in Smallville!) Sam is upset because he says it is the third school they’ve been to that year. I am really hoping he means calendar year, but his use of ONLY makes me wonder if he means school year. If it is school year then they’ve only been in each school for about a week, but I couldn’t imagine why he would say ‘only November’ if he’s talking about the calendar year. That coupled with the fact Dean is sure they will only be there for two weeks before moving onto the next school
We see Sam and Dean enter their classrooms, Dean is in 12th grade and Sam in 8th. Dean is off to a bad start, calling the teacher ‘sweetheart’ and ‘sugar’ and telling her he doesn't need any books as he won’t be there long enough to do anything. Sam meanwhile tells a bully to back off of another kid, even agreeing to take the kids place as a target.
In 2009 (right because that seems right) Dean and Sam infiltrate the school, Sam as a janitor and Dean as the formerly mentioned gym teacher. Dean is a hilarious teacher. “Miss B doesn't allow us to play dodgeball’, ‘yeah well she’s in Mass. getting married. So we’re playing’. And ‘Dude, this whistle makes me their God!’ Sam comes to see Dean saying he has nothing and Dean is like ‘no sulfur means no demon and no demon mean no case. Let’s get out of here’. Dean doesn’t like this school. Sam keeps looking and hears a commotion, coming into a class to see a kid put another kids hand in a food processor and learn that they are dealing with a ghost. Dean discovers there was one death on the school campus, the boy Sam befriended named Barry.
Back in 1997 we see Dean and the girl in his class hit if off well, kissing in the broom closet. Dean asks her out and she says she can’t due to her curfew. She is shocked to learn that not only is Dean without any parent supervision as John is out of town, but he and Sam live in the motel. She asks if he misses his Dad and Dean stops talking. They head to class, Dean smiling and saying ‘yo Sammy’ as he sees his brother.
I moved around to a few high school myself (5 in 4 years) so I kind of understand the feeling as the new kid, especially in high school. Me and my siblings has a similar dynamic, only a little reversed. I was the quit kid that studied hard and kept to myself. One of my sisters who is just a year younger than me was the ‘cool kid’. Good at sports, sarcastic and snarky. She could get a boyfriend within a week. Kind of like a girl version of Dean. Many of the kids would have had no idea that we were related, except for the fact that she went out of her way to spend time with me (despite me being the oldest and wanting her to have that space). So just that little moment means a lot to me to see. In addition, we see how quickly Dean can shift personalities, because for him they are pretty much all acts. The only one that is real is the big brother around Sam. He drops the cool act for a few seconds to greet his little brother.
Then Dirk confronts Sam an Barry. Barry goes to get a teacher and Dirk tries to fight Sam, but Sam refuses. Dirk punches him in the face and while upset, Sam doesn’t attack him. The teacher comes with Barry and brakes up the situation.
In 2009, Sam and Dean burn Barry’s bones. This is pretty upsetting in a few ways. Barry would have been around 15 when he died. Sam and Dean are actually burning the bones of a kid. I honestly can’t remember them having to do that before. Additionally, this isn’t a random stranger, this is a kid Sam had befriended. Sam had probably thought or hoped that Barry graduated, went on to become a vet, maybe got married. He never imagined that Barry died a few months after he last saw him. Dean tries to assure Sam it wasnt’ his fault and Dean admits he hated that school. Sam says it wasn’t all bad and Dean asks how Sam could say that.
In 1997 we see Dean learning about the confrontation, and Dean is pissed. He wants to go after the kid for hurting Sam, but he’s also upset with Sam for letting it happen. Sam remarks that he doesn't want to be the freak. Dean tells Sam that they are going to be there at least another week and Sam remarks that he has Amanda and she’s cool, but Dean vents about her wanting him to meet her parents. Later when Sam gets out of class, his teacher stops him and talks to him a moment about his English assignment. He comments that while it was supposed to be a true story and Sam wrote about killing a werewolf, it was a good paper. When he asks Sam about his future, Sam says he is expected to go into the family business. Mr. Wyatt asks if that is what Sam wants and Sam is surprised, saying no one has ever asked him that before and that he doesn't. His teacher tells him that he doesn't have to do anything that he doesn't want to do and that there are a few decisions that a person has to make that defines they’re life, and that would be one of them.
I absolutely love that teacher, because you can tell this is where Sam gets the drive to go to college. Sam is about 14 here, he has been hunting for five years and he is seeming a little like Dean, where he doens’t really see a future for himself. And someone actually asks him what he wants. This also makes me sad because you know if no one asked Sam if this is what he wants, then no one asked Dean that either. Sam is actually told by a teacher that he has options, that there are choices out there for him.
2009, Sam wants to go see Mr. Wyatt but runs into the ghost possessing a young girl. She stabs him and kicks him in the balls but the odd thing is the ghost knows Sam. Sam manages to exorcise it and meet up with Dean, who gives him a cold drink to use as an ice pack saying ‘trust me this will help’. Guess he would know. Dean pretty much has the same reaction now as he did back in 1997, which is nice for two reasons. The first is showing that despite 11/12 years having past, Dean is still pretty much like how he had been before...at least in regards to Sam. The second is showing just how similar this encounter was to 1997.
Dean realizes all the kids road the same bus and they check it out, Sam realizing he knew the bus driver’s son, to which Dean asks if he knew everyone at that school. This is another kid Sam had no idea had died.
In 1997 we see that Sam had tried to protect Barry from Dirk again. Dirk tried to beat up Sam and Sam beat him down before coining a nickname that would follow Dirk for the rest of his life, ‘Dirk the Jerk’.
In 2009 Sam learns about Dirk’s mother, about how Dirk felt he had no outlet so he beat up others. He became a bully. Sam and Dean confront Dirk, and he accuses Sam of being a bully, of being evil. Sam confronts him as Dean finds the hair, burning it and saving Sam.
Back in 1997, Dean is kissing another girl and is caught by his girlfriend. She brakes up with him, calling him out on his ‘bad boy’ act and saying he is just a sad lonely kid. Meanwhile Sam is seen as the cool hero, standing up to the school bully. John comes to get the boys and while Dean is releaved to be leaving, Sam is a little down.
In 2009, Sam goes to see his teacher, thanking him for taking an interest in him, crediting him with Sam going to college. He asks what he told Sam and if Sam went into the family business. Sam admits he did and while Mr. Wyatt is sad at first, he says all that really matters is that Sam is happy. However when he asks if Sam is happy, we never see the answer.
I fin this story pretty interesting. It is mostly about Sam, and it also is about the contrast between Sam and Dean. The one that is really interesting is Dirk. Dirk went through a lot, and he took it out on others. The interesting thing is we see that Dirk was a bully, picking on Barry. However he doesn't see what he was doing as bullying and in fact he sees Sam as the bully to him. I just find it interesting. We also see where Sam got the inspiration to go to college.
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I don’t usually talk about myself. I am not doing well. I’ve had depression for almost seven years now. A lot of self harm. A couple naïve suicide attempts (I overestimated what drugs do). A couple close calls.
Things got a little better when I moved away from my parents and began discovering who I am. I came out as a trans woman and things started looking better for myself. Went a couple years without any self harm incidents but still wasn’t feeling right. I couldn’t cope with all the chores of living on my own. University work was very difficult for me to focus on and I ended up dropping out in third year. I stayed alone in that basement for another year until my savings nearly disappeared.
It seemed like a good idea at the time so I moved back in with my parents. They were going to be gone a lot and needed someone to watch the cats. I wouldn’t need to pay rent. Chores split between us. I had forgotten how insane they drive me. It wasn’t long before I started self harming again. They became increasingly verbal with their transphobia. Denying events ever happened and things said when I was able to confront them afterwards.
Then I made another stupid mistake in listening to them. I wasnt allowed to sit around being a waste of space. I had to go back into school or find a job. I was able to find a job in a factory for the month leading up to the Christmas rush. At orientation we were told that any hair past the shoulders needed to be tied up. Having been raised as a boy I was never allowed to grow out my hair. It had finally reached my shoulders and I was being to feel really confident and comfortable in my body. I could not figure out how to get my hair to stay up. It just kept sliding and falling out. Then came the ‘suggestion’ they always gave, get it cut. I agreed. I told the hairdresser to just take of a little. They decided to do “the usual for a handsome young man”. When I opened my eyes at the end and saw it I burst into tears, and fled. Some more serious self harm happened and I ended up in hospital. I can’t prove my parents are at fault here because I agreed to it and went myself. It was me not talking to the hairdresser correctly. The verbal manipulation by my parents means nothing.
I know my womanhood isn’t defined by my appearance. But it sure as fuck feels like it when it is cut from your body.
Every couple weeks from then on, my parents built up into some new thing to attack me on. I would up in hospital 5 times in two months.
The social worked they assumed to me started figuring out that there was a problem with my living situation, and ended up setting me up at a shelter while we looked for a place to live.
Being away from them didn't stop me from feeling terrible. If it wasn't for the shelter I would probably be dead right now. I kept deteriorating. I ended up writing up a will. After that I was admitted to the psych ward at the hospital.
Psych wards are absolutely horrible for trans people, specifically those who haven't been able to legally change their name yet. Being forced to respond when they call you by the wrong name, insisting that the name you have chosen is not your real name, being made to wear a wristband that says "I'm not who I say I am". Luckily I was there "voluntarily" so when I said I wanted to leave they just needed the psychiatrist to sign off on it.
The psychiatrist that saw me is a whole story on his own. Simply put, one of the previous times I was sent to the ER he was the one who sent me home. His comments though... "Have you gotten the surgery yet?" "Do you still have your penis?" "Everyone will treat you like a man until you get the surgery" "You need to talk to a surgeon and get this done now". I just can't even.
I lied straight to his face in the psych ward and said I was perfectly fine to go home. No thoughts of any self harm or suicide at all. He agreed to let me go no issue. I just had to have someone come pick me up, I couldn't leave on my own. Up until this point I had assumed I was just going to be able to go back to the shelter. When I asked if someone from there could come sign me out they asked to speak to one of the discharge nurses. Something got lost in the telephone game and ended up with me being told I could not go back. I was forced to then call my parents. I can't prove they did anything wrong. I would rather go back with them, finally have opportunities for self harm again, than stay at the make you psychotic ward.
The only thing they had really heard from me since I went to the shelter two weeks earlier was "I am going somewhere safe" or "I am safe" a couple times. This scare Seema to have been enough for them to at least act like they are more accepting. They say my name but they don't understand depression and the constant pain I'm in. They ask so much more of me than I can do.
January I started at college again. This apparently tells the social worker that I no longer need help and cut off contact. I've been on waiting lists to get various therapists and health centres in the area since October. Ive got no one to talk to still and I am burning out.
I can't stop wondering if I have enough meds through my various prescriptions, things I'm no longer supposed to have, alcohol, and assorted painkillers to do it. My parents left for a weekend and I was very close to finding out. Self harm stopped me from doing it that night.
I feel so overwhelmed and lost and empty and lonely. I just need everything to stop for a while. They keep pushing. The edge is always so close.
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viralhottopics · 7 years
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Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke
Hes written novels with eerily similar plotlines but how did Trump become president? The only way to find out: inject a panel of fictional voters with truth serum…
I started thinking Donald Trump might win the presidency in September of 2016. By the end of October, I was almost sure. Thus, when the election night upset happened, I was dismayed, but not particularly surprised. I didnt even think it was much of an upset, in spite of the Huffington Post aggregate poll, which gave Hillary Clinton a 98% chance of winning an example of wishful thinking if ever there were one.
Some of my belief arose from the signage I was seeing. Im from northern New England, and in the run-up to the election I saw hundreds of Trump-Pence signs and bumper stickers, but almost none for Clinton-Kaine. To me this didnt mean there were no Clinton supporters in the houses I passed or the cars ahead of me on Route 302; what it did seem to mean was that the Clinton supporters werent particularly invested. This was not the case with the Trump people, who tended to have billboard-sized signage in their yards and sometimes two stickers on their cars (TRUMP-PENCE on the left; HILLARY IS A CRIMINAL on the right).
Brexit also troubled me. Most of the commentators brushed its importance aside, saying that the issue of whether or not Britain should leave the EU was very different from that of who should become the American president, and besides, British and American voters were very different animals. I agreed with neither assessment, because there was a vibe in the air during most of 2016, a feeling that people were both frightened of the status quo and sick of it. Voters saw a vast and overloaded apple cart lumbering past them. They wanted to upset the motherfucker, and would worry about picking up those spilled apples later. Or just leave them to rot.
Clinton voters were convinced shed win, even if they saw her as a ho-hum candidate at best. Many did not even bother going to the polls, which was a large (and largely unstated) factor in her loss. Trump voters, on the other hand, could not wait to pull those levers. They didnt just want change; they wanted a man on horseback. Trump filled the bill.
I had written about such men before. In The Dead Zone, Greg Stillson is a door-to-door Bible salesman with a gift of gab, a ready wit and the common touch. He is laughed at when he runs for mayor in his small New England town, but he wins. He is laughed at when he runs for the House of Representatives (part of his platform is a promise to rocket Americas trash into outer space), but he wins again. When Johnny Smith, the novels precognitive hero, shakes his hand, he realizes that some day Stillson is going to laugh and joke his way into the White House, where he will start world war three.
Big Jim Rennie in Under The Dome is cut from the same cloth. Hes a car salesman (selling being a key requirement for the successful politician), who is the head selectman in the small town of Chesters Mill, when a dome comes down and cuts the community off from the world. Hes a crook, a cozener and a sociopath, the worst possible choice in a time of crisis, but hes got a folksy, straight-from-the-shoulder delivery that people relate to. The fact that hes incompetent at best and downright malevolent at worst doesnt matter.
Both these stories were written years ago, but Stillson and Rennie bear enough of a resemblance to the current resident of the White House for me to flatter myself I have a country-fair understanding of how such men rise: first as a joke, then as a viable alternative to the status quo, and finally as elected officials who are headstrong, self-centered and inexperienced. Such men do not succeed to high office often, but when they do, the times are always troubled, the candidates in question charismatic, their proposed solutions to complex problems simple, straightforward and impractical. The baggage that should weigh these hucksters down becomes magically light, lifting them over the competition like Carl Fredricksen in the Pixar film Up. Trumps negatives didnt drag him down; on the contrary, they helped get him elected.
I decided to convene six Trump voters to discover how and why all this happened. Because I selected them from the scores of make-believe people always bouncing around in my head (sometimes their chatter is enough to drive me bugshit), I felt perfectly OK feeding them powerful truth serum before officially convening the round table. And because they are fictional my creatures they all agreed to this. They gulped the serum down in Snapple iced tea, and half an hour later we began. My panelists were:
Gary Barker, a construction worker from how fitting Gary, Indiana. Gary from Gary is 41, married with two kids, currently unemployed. Graduated high school, never went to college.
William Russell, from Delray Beach, Florida. William spent his working life as a banker in Albany, New York, and is now retired and living in a gated community. Hes 67, a good amateur golfer, physically fit and mentally sharp. Has been married for more than 40 years, with three grown children and six grandchildren. Holds a bachelors degree from New York University and a graduate degree (in accounting) from the University of Illinois, Chicago.
Felicia Gagnon, from Castle Rock, Maine. Felicia is 25 and the sole employee of the Castle Rock Washateria, where she washes, dries, folds and sometimes delivers. She also serves as the janitor. She is unmarried, no children. Graduated high school, never went to college.
David Allen is a roadie-for-hire in Nashville, almost always employed. Last year he toured with both Little Big Town and Trisha Yearwood. He is 29, divorced, with one child. He makes his support payments regularly. Graduated high school, has two years of college (no degree).
Andrea Sparks is a successful restaurant owner in Flint City, Oklahoma. She is 42, twice divorced, with three children. She has a degree in business administration from the University of Oklahoma. Next year she will be president of the Flint City Chamber of Commerce.
Helen Wiggins is a single mother who lives in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, and works as a nail technician (she prefers this to manicurist). She is 28 years old. Graduated high school, no college.
Although they come from varying walks of life and have attained varying degrees of education, none of these participants was stupid, venal or evil. The reader would do well to remember that they were loaded with potent truth serum, which forced them to say what they actually believe, rather than what they thought might be most palatable to their interlocutor. If you, gentle reader, should be inclined to view any of them with contempt or feel outraged about their comments, youd do well first to look inward and ask what you might say if compelled to give the truth of your feelings, the whole truth, the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth. And, with that caveat, the discussion.
Stephen King Thank you all for coming, and agreeing to participate.
Helen Wiggins You could use a manicure. Your nails are too long. But at least it doesnt look as if you chew them.
William Russell I started one of your books but didnt finish it. Ill never try another one. Youre an awful writer.
King Many critics would agree, but todays subject is politics rather than fiction. To begin, Id like to go around the table and ask each of you when you decided you were going to vote for Donald Trump.
Gary Barker After a couple of debates I knew who I was going for. He [Trump] had nicknames for the other guys that really put them in their places. Lyin Ted, for instance. I hated that guy. He always looked like he wanted to yell, Come to Jesus! And Little Marco. That was my favorite. He [Trump] nailed that sucker. He [Rubio] looked like he was about 13 fuckin years old.
Wiggins Dont forget Crooked Hillary. That was the cutest nickname.
David Allen Right. When they all started yelling, Lock her up! at the convention. I knew then it was going to be a whole new ballgame, and I decided to vote for Trump. But I didnt shoot my mouth off about it. Nashville is in the south, but in the music business there are plenty of bleeding hearts. Not like Hollywood, thank God, but you still have to be careful. I started off saying I hadnt made up my mind when people asked me, then I started saying, Probably Clinton. I never told anyone I was going to vote for Trump. Especially not my ex. She would have torn my balls off.
Russell Trumps a businessman who understands business. Hes going to make them sit on the minimum wage, and hell take off a lot of those stupid banking, business and pollution regulations. Its working already. Just look at the stock market.
Felicia Gagnon Most of my customers at the Washateria were for him, so I decided I was, too. It wasnt just going along with the crowd, either. He always had an answer for everything, and he took no shit. Also, he wants to keep the illegals out. My job isnt much, but it pays the rent. What if some illegal comes along and tells Mr Griffin hes the owner that shell do my job for half the salary? Would that be fair?
Andrea Sparks It wouldnt, it absolutely wouldnt. And I admired him for a comeback he made to Clinton in, I think it was their first debate. She said he paid no taxes, and Trump came right back, said: That makes me smart. I knew right then I was going to vote for him, because taxes are killers. Thats why no one from the middle class can really get ahead. They tax you to death. I am making a little bit of money, but Id be making a lot more if they didnt tax me so badly, and why do they do it? To pay welfare for the illegals Felicia was talking about. The beaners, the darkies and the camel-jockeys. I would never say that if I wasnt full of this truth serum stuff, but Im glad I did. Its a relief. I dont want to be a racist, its not how I was raised, but they make you be one. I work hard for what Ive got, from nine in the morning until midnight, sometimes until one in the morning. And what happens? The government takes the sweat from my brow and gives it to the foreigners. Who shoot it into their arms with dope the drug mules bring up from Mexico.
Barker Amen to that, sister.
Wiggins You know, I was torn at first, but when he hired that guy Pence to be his vice-president, I got on board. He [Pence] was so smart at the debate he had with that other guy. He had an answer for everything.
Gagnon Also handsome, with that nice white hair.
Wiggins Yes, he takes care of himself. Nice haircut, good teeth, beautiful skin. I thought to myself, Trump is on the fat side. If he has a heart attack and dies, Pence can take over. And the guy who ran with Clinton, I cant even remember his name, but he looked like one of those guys at the DMV who, when you finally get to the front of the line, says you filled out the paperwork wrong and sends you home.
[General laughter from the panel.]
Russell Also, theres the matter of the trademark slogans. Do you know what Im talking about?
King Tell me.
Russell Candidates have certain codified positions, which form the basis of the so-called stump speech. In that speech, which is about the same whether its made in Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon, they make their basic talking points over and over. But they also need a simple summation of what they stand for. Thats conveyed by the trademark slogan, something simple and catchy. Trumps was MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and it was perfect. Contains two words of great power: America and great. Clintons was STRONGER TOGETHER. Vague. Wishy-washy. Forgettable. Stronger than what? Together with whom? It says nothing. The person who thought that up was an idiot, and she was an idiot for using it. Her slogan might as well have been WERE GOING TO DO SOME STUFF.
Sparks Trump was the boss. Clinton was just bossy, and take it from me, nobody likes a bossy woman. As a business person, I have to use a certain amount of tact. She didnt have that.
Allen When she spoke, she kind of brayed.
Gagnon Because she was trying to sound like a man. That may work in New York, but not out where there are real people.
Sparks Whatever, it was like fingernails on a blackboard. If I talked to my waitstaff like that, half of them would quit.
King OK, since were on the subject of Clinton, I want to go around the table and have you give me one word or one short phrase that describes your impression of her. Gary, you havent had much to say, so lets start with you.
Barker Before we get to that, I just want to say that Ive always been attracted to young men on surfboards. This truth serum is whoo.
King Good to know, and thank you for sharing, but how about a word or simple phrase describing your impression of
Barker Bitch. I thought she was a bitch.
King OK. Felicia?
Gagnon Stuck-up. A stuck-up smartypants. She talked down to people.
King William?
Russell Felicias exactly right. Clinton projected arrogance and a sense of entitlement. Riding on Slick Willies coat-tails.
Allen I hated those pantsuits. Like she doesnt think people can figure out shes got a booty. And shes starting to look really old.
Wiggins Is she a lesbian? I heard she was a lesbian.
Sparks I dont care about that, but her bestie was one of those Muslims. You know, the one married to the guy always showing his junk on the internet. Huma Abba-Jabba, or something.
King Id like to discuss two issues that dogged Hillary Clintons campaign
Sparks Can I just say I ate a whole box of chocolate pinwheel cookies last night? Id like to say that. Then I vomited them back up, because I have to stay thin.
King Thank you, Andrea. Now, if I could turn to Clintons involvement if you choose to call it that in the Benghazi attack, where four Americans, including US ambassador J Christopher Stevens, were killed. Did that play a part in your decision not to vote for Clinton?
Allen Is Benghazi in Africa or China?
Russell Actually, its in Libya. Which the Obama administration destabilized by not helping Gaddafi in his time of need. The man was an asshole, but he was our asshole. Pardon my French, ladies.
Barker Putting the bitch factor aside, I dont think you can hold her responsible for what a bunch of ragheads do. They just want to kill Americans for Allah.
King So you dont blame her?
Barker Not for that, Jesus no. Hey, you should see my collection of surfer mags. My wife thinks its the boards Im interested in.
King Just to put a button on this, were any of you influenced by Benghazi when you stepped into the voting booth?
[No responses.]
Illustration: Leonard Beard for the Guardian
King OK, lets move along. There was also a controversy about Clinton sending and receiving emails on an unsecured server. Something like 35,000. Did that influence any of you?
Russell Speaking just for myself, not at all. Hackers can get into any computer, secured or not. Someone phished my American Express card number and got himself over $1,000 worth of equipment at Best Buy. They should bring back the whipping post for people who do that. It would put a stop to the practice in short order.
Allen Billy-boy, you nailed it. Computers these days might as well be screen doors. You see hacking all the time in the music business. And hey, get real. What was the stuff going back and forth, anyway? Recipes, gossip, Ill be here at such-and-such a time, did you see her new purse, shit like that. Give me a break.
Barker Whats this about emails? What are you talking about?
Wiggins Never mind, no biggie.
Gagnon My computer is busted. It was just a cheap one, anyway. I have to buy a new one, but cant afford it just now. Id steal one, but Im scared of getting caught.
King Andrea, what about you?
Sparks I dont care about that chicks emails. What I care about are the taco-benders down the street with their food wagon, cutting into my business. I went to the police, and they said the taco-benders had a permit. How do illegals get a permit to sell food on the street? Tell me that.
Russell Do you have proof they are illegals, Andrea?
Sparks I dont need proof. Those wetbacks are like bedbugs, theyre everywhere. And they breed. I cant wait until Trump builds that wall. The Mexicans say they wont pay for it, but they will, unless they want American tanks in Jurez and Tijuana. You wait and see. Trump takes no shit. I like a man who takes no shit. If my ex-husbands had been more like that, Id never have fired them.
Wiggins You want a scandal? Clintons on the side of the baby-killers, thats a scandal.
Barker Shes also on the side of the gun Puritans. Ive got four firearms, two handguns and two rifles, and nobodys taking those suckers. Nobody.
King Very interesting, Gary, but weve wandered away from the question. Were any of you influenced by the so-called email scandal when you stepped into the voting booth?
[No responses.]
King OK, Id like to move along to
Allen Can I say something else about Hillary?
King Of course, David.
Allen You asked us when we decided to vote for Trump. Ill tell you when I decided I was also gonna vote against her, even though I thought she was basically OK. Smart, even. I dont go along with that bitch stuff, either. I work with women on the road, and even the ones who are bitches hate that word. So I steer clear of it.
Sparks Whats your point, Mr Huffington Post Politically Correct?
Allen You ought to do something about that hair, maam, your dye jobs showing.
Sparks Fuck you.
King If we have that out of the way
Allen I was in Houston on 9/11 last year, OK? Visiting my sister and picking up some bucks working an Eric Church gig. That afternoon, before I had to go on down to the Bayou and start rolling amps, I was in this little place called Spot Mikes, kind of a lunchateria where they also serve beer. The TV was on, and they showed Hillary collapsing after she tried to give a speech, or maybe she did give it, I dont know. But she went legless and the men around her, probably Secret Service, had to help her into the car. It made me think of something my grandad used to say: woman-weak. Thats what she was, woman-weak. Now suppose that happened during a crisis, or something. No, she didnt have any business being the most powerful person in the world.
King Can I point out that George HW Bush vomited during a state dinner in Japan?
Barker I remember that, but he had food poisoning. Her, though, its like Dave said: woman-weak.
Gagnon I heard she had a bunch of strokes and they covered it up.
Russell She and Slick Willie are big-time dopers. Its a known fact. Whereas Trump doesnt even drink.
Wiggins Kind of a fat shit, though, isnt he? Likes his Whoppers.
[General affectionate laughter from the panel.]
King I want to move on to some of the negatives about Trump, and ask why they didnt influence you. Lets start with his alleged ties to Russia. Anyone care to comment?
Gagnon Speaking of influence, do you have any with TV people, Mr King? Id sure like to be on The Price Is Right. Im very good at guessing the prices of things, toasters and such, and Id like a chance at one of those showcases. They have these wonderful trips.
King Im sorry, I dont know anyone who
Russell You have to stand in line, like everyone else. Live with it.
King There have been accusations that Trumps associates have ties to Russia, and that Trump himself may have financial interests in that part of the world. Hes certainly said plenty of complimentary things about Putin. Any feelings on that? Helen? What about you?
Wiggins Whats wrong with making friends of an enemy? Burying the hatchet? Thats what the Bible says.
Allen Like that song, Whats So Funny Bout Peace, Love, And Understanding?
Sparks Totally agree. As for the oil, if theres more, the prices go down. More miles for your buck. No-brainer.
Gagnon Speaking of that, they had one of those electric cars on The Price Is Right just last week. I think it was a Prius, or maybe a
Russell Two strong men working together. I like it. Its good for business.
King Anyone else?
Wiggins Is it lunchtime yet? I dont know if its the serum or what, but I could eat a horse.
Allen I got something you can eat, hon. Not as big as a horse but almost.
King This seems an appropriate time to ask about certain sexual allegations. The famous grab em by the pussy remark, for instance. And how you can do anything if youre famous. Ladies first.
Gagnon How many women do you think have been throwing themselves at him, someone whos rich and handsome?
[General laughter at the word handsome.]
Gagnon Well, he was, anyway, and hes still rich. Nobody talks about women who go sex-fishing for men, tell you that.
Sparks Also, most women in showbusiness are whores, so whats the big deal? Look at the Academy Awards if you dont believe me. Every woman under 30 falling out of her dress. Show a man dessert, honey, hes going to want to eat.
Barker And at least hes not a fag, you know?
Wiggins Men are men, thats all. They all talk big, especially when theyre with other men.
Russell Sure. And let me point out we were electing a president, not a saint.
Allen Exactly. That sex stuff was just the press, trying to sell papers and bring him down while they were at it. Those guys were all for Hillary.
King OK, but suppose the shoe had been on the other foot, and the press had obtained a tape of Hillary talking like that?
Sparks They didnt.
Wiggins Also, its different for women. The um
Russell The perception.
Wiggins Right.
King I believe you have a daughter, Helen
Wiggins Thats right. Patricia. Patty. Shes the best thing in my life. Smart as well as pretty. Gets all As in school. You should see her book reports!
King What if it was her pussy Trump was talking about grabbing?
Wiggins Thats a filthy thing to say. Also stupid. My daughters only nine. Even the New York Times never said Trump goes for kiddies, and they lie about everything.
King Im just saying
Wiggins Well, dont. Save the dirty talk for your books.
King OK, lets move on to Trumps taxes. He wont reveal them.
Allen No law says he has to.
King What if hes hiding something?
Sparks Honey, were all hiding something. Although I will admit Id like to see what sort of fiddles hes using.
[General laughter.]
Barker Actually, I would, too. Hes got a lot of friends in big business, and they all care more about their money than anything else. Goes without saying. That stuff about how he was going to drain the swamp? I never believed it. They drain the swamp, everyone will see how many bodies theyve buried there.
Sparks Not to mention how much buried treasure.
Allen If he does a good job, fuck his tax returns.
Barker Cant argue with that.
Gagnon Besides, rich people dont have to pay like the rest of us, everyone knows that. They have lawyers and accountants to keep them on the right side of the law. They know all the loopholes. Its how the world works. Hes against Obamacare, thats the important thing. That takes more money out of poor peoples pockets than taxes. Its not like the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans did that, and its much better.
King It appeared that he made fun of a reporter with a physical disability shaking and stuttering. Any thoughts on that?
Russell Not relevant.
King It doesnt speak to character?
Russell Of course not. Dont be obtuse.
Allen It wasnt very nice, but the guy pissed him off. Sure, it was politically incorrect, but I thought it was, um
Sparks A breath of fresh air?
Allen Yes. It woke people up. None of the usual politician bullshit. Hannity isnt right about everything, but he sure was about that.
King This would be Sean Hannity, of Fox News?
Allen Correct.
King How many of you got most of your information on the candidates from Fox News?
[Allen, Russell and Sparks raise their hands.]
King What about you, Felicia?
Gagnon I watch Lester Holt. Also Good Morning America.
King Gary?
Barker I read USA Today. They have a little story about Indiana every day, and their sports coverage is terrific. The rest you have to take with a grain of salt, because the coverage was slanted toward Clinton.
Russell What wasnt slanted in the papers was made up of whole cloth. Fake news. The worst offender was the New York Slimes, and they wont let it go.
King I think weve about finished, but Id like to run one more thing by you before we break for lunch. Psychologists mention four basic traits when diagnosing a sociopathic condition known as narcissistic personality disorder. People suffering from this condition believe themselves superior to others, they insist on having the best of everything, they are egocentric and boastful, and they have a tendency to first select love objects, then find them at fault and push them aside. Comments?
[A long silence at the table.]
Russell Whats your point?
Gagnon Are you sure you cant get me on The Price Is Right?
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from Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke
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