#i went grocery shopping today and i wore a mask as usual and i just.....hated every single person in that store

[laurelwinchester]

my grandmother finally seems to be recovering from covid but my grandfather is still in the hospital. he's on oxygen and he thinks it's 1994. i hate this.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #416

“don’t pray for me when you’re the one to blame  /  don’t think of me when you go up in flames”

Does your town/area have a farmer’s market? Do you ever buy your vegetables there rather than grocery store? Not close enough for us to actually go there for groceries, no. If you had a significant other and somehow got a chance to kiss your celebrity crush, would you still go for it? Well no, given Mark's been in a serious relationship for like six years, and I'd feel disloyal to my partner. I can just dream about it, ha ha. Do you tend to be attracted to people that are more similar to you in interests and mannerisms or do you tend to be attracted to someone opposite/complementing to you? I tend to be drawn to people I'm more similar to. What is a talent that a lot of other people desire or value but you really don’t care to have (e.g., singing, etc.)? *shrug* If someone asks you to hang out, but for some reason you’re just feeling lazy/don’t want to go anywhere, do you ignore them, make up an excuse, or just tell them the honest truth? Tbh, odds are I'm making up an excuse. Would you like to meet an alien? That would depend on its motives. It might have wisdom to share, or it may be nefarious, in which case I don't wanna meet it obviously. If so, would you trust them enough to go back with them to their planet? That's a no no matter how it acts. Trust issues, my friend. And that's with humans. What do you think is at the end of space. It's kinda science that space is infinite... Do you like D&D or Magic: The Gathering the most? I've never played D&D because I know I would be way, way too awkward to actually do it. M:TG is fun, though. What is your favorite Disney movie? TLKKKKK. What’s your favorite book series? Wings of Fire tops the list right now, but Warriors will always have a very special place in my heart. What’s something you wish they’d build in your neighborhood? Idk. Do you usually keep ponytail holders around your wrist? No. I don't even wear my hair in a ponytail because it's too short. Sunny D or orange juice? Orange juice. I have to be in a very specific mood for Sunny D. Can you snap out of a bad mood fast? Nooooo, unless something drastically good happens. How can a person tell if you’re mad or annoyed? My face will probably give it away, mixed with me being short and snippy or more awkward than normal because I'm trying to not be a bother. What’s something you enjoy that’s outside your age level? Certain TV shows. When your friends come and hang out at your house, what do you get up to? The only friend I have that I hang out with once in a blue moon is Girt, and we'd usually play board games or watch TV. Do you think it’s ignorant for people to have unprotected sex when they’re not ready for a child? Yes. Like yes, I'm pro-choice so won't look down on someone getting an abortion, but I still think you should be willing to act to prevent things from getting to that point where that procedure is chosen. For it or against it, abortion is a serious decision and should be treated as such. What were your favourite things to do as a child? My favorite thing had to be video games, specifically Spyro, and I also adored Webkinz and Neopets on the computer. I also loved playing make-believe with my toys like every other kid. I loved watching Dad play video games, too. I've also been a drawing fiend since I was very little. If you were shopping with your best friend, and they picked an outfit that was completely unflattering, would you tell them? I honestly don't know if I would. Her being comfortable and happy in it is what matters, anyway. Do you prefer using air-con or having the windows down when you’re driving on a hot day? Team A/C for sure. I hate the feeling of wind just slapping the hell outta your face and making a nest out of your hair. Can you ever manage to finish three courses when you go out to eat at restaurants? No. What would you say your favourite farm animal is? Pigs! They are so incredibly misunderstood. They're very intelligent, CLEAN (I know, can you believe it?), silly, and happy animals that I just adore. Is your ex currently in a relationship and if yes, how do you feel about that? Idk if "the" ex is with anyone, and it's for the better I don't, probably. Which one of your friends should be a stand-up comedian? Girt. Is your mom a better driver or your dad? Oh yeah. Dad tailgates like a motherfucker. What's your least favorite genre of music? Either rap or country, idk. Do you like poems? I do. Do you enjoy drawing? I have a love-hate relationship with it. I LOVE when something comes out the way I wanted it to, but if it doesn't, I feel very disappointed in myself and bash it into my head that I could do better. Do you even have any drawing talent? So I'm told. Have you ever seen The Sound of Music? Yes, in elementary school's music class. Ever seen Beetlejuice? If so, did you enjoy it? Oh yes, that was one of Jason's favorites. I liked it. How do you deal with oppressive heat? Complain, sweat my ass off, do anything I can to cool off that doesn't involve taking clothes off. What’s one thing that people definitely CAN’T count on you for? To remember pretty much anything whatsoever. What about something they definitely can count on you for? An ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. How do you feel about your handwriting? I like it. Is there a store that bothers you immensely for some reason (people who shop there irritate you or the employees who work there are rude, etc.)? Uhhhh I don't think so. What’s something you complain about frequently? If I'm hot, or my legs hurting. If you’re home alone and someone knocks on the door, what do you do? Ignore it. I'm not answering. What’s one book that you have read that will stick with you forever? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. It's an anti-war pacifism novel, which is something I'm very much passionate about. Would you ever get one of those old school “mom” tattoos with the heart? No. I know with certainty I want a tribute to my mom when she passes, but definitely not that design. Are you a Giants fan? I don't care for sports, but the NYG always make me think of Jason's dad, who is like, obsessed with them. So I guess I feel a bit of warmness towards them just for memory's sake. Last time you went pumpkin picking? Never. Do you prefer eating corn straight off the cob or corn already taken off the cob? I think corn on the cob tastes better with all the butter and spices you can put on it, but I do enjoy off the cob too because it's just so much cleaner. Would you want your family to go on Wife Swap? Well, I live with my mom and she's divorced, so... I don't have to worry about this. How old is your current e-mail address? God, I've had it since I was a kid. Last time you conversed with someone in a language other than English? Not since taking a test for German in high school. Last video you favorited on YouTube? Oh my god, it was this video from my favorite reptile channel (Snake Discovery) of them taking their pet tegu to the park. She clearly had SO much fun. Now mind you I very rarely favorite things, so yeah, I adored the video. Do you like chocolate with coconut filling? Noooo, I'm not a coconut fan at all. What was the first thing you ate today? Mom made bacon, yuuuuum. Do you know how to play Mahjong? No. Mom loves it, though. Do you have any skirts longer than knee-length? I don't own any skirts. What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone you weren’t dating? Just flirting. Ever had a promise ring? No. What about one of those “I’ll wait until marriage” rings (I think they’re called purity rings or something)? They're called abstinence rings, and yes, in HS. Funny how looking back I was definitely breaking that vow while I wore it lmao. What is the shortest time you’ve heard of people being together before getting married? My late grandma and her second husband got married SO fast. Like they were together for probably a couple months (maybe less?), then boom, the news came that they were engaged. Are any of your friends currently pregnant? Facebook friends, yes, which are mostly composed of old friends and acquaintances from school. One poor girl very recently got into a bad wreck, but thank goodness she and her unborn daughter are okay. Have you ever played golf? I loved playing putt-putt when I was younger, and then Jason and I once had a mini-golf date. It was really cute. When was the last time you waxed anything on your body, if ever? It's been some years since I used to wax my eyebrows. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. A minor one, but still. Can you honestly say you love the last person you kissed? Yep. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? Yeah. Would you ever go on Fear Factor? Noooo. I would NEVER get past day #2 where they tend to do the disgusting shit, and I'm way too out of shape to do the wild stuff they do. What colour was the last mask you wore? Blue. Can any of your friends sing well? Which one has the nicest singing voice? Oh yes, Sara has an absolutely beautiful voice. When was the last time you had a nightmare? I had two last night, actually. I have this habit of taking my APAP mask off in the middle of the night because it's a nuisance, and I never remember doing so. When I do that, I'm much more prone to have nightmares because the mask helps my sleep apnea, which causes my nightmares/terrors. Where do you see yourself in ten years? I do NOT want to imagine this. It's either going to be beautiful or a fucking catastrophe, of that I'm sure. Does your family have traditions? Just pretty ordinary holiday ones. Have you ever met anyone half-way famous? Tez is famous, as far as I'm concerned. :') I also have some musician friends trying to make it, but idk how far they've actually gotten in the industry. Is there a celebrity that you are related to? No, just ancestors. Would you call your last relationship a mistake? Definitely not. Would you ever take up a job in photography? Ugh... that's the fucking dream. But I'm massively losing hope. Do you throw out your assignments once you’ve gotten them back? When I was in school, it depended on whether it would serve as good study material or not. Who was the last person you messaged on Facebook? My old friend Jenna messaged me a few days back just to say she was thinking about me and wished me well, which I really appreciated. Of course I messaged her back wishing her the same and all. Have you ever developed a crush on someone the first day you met them? Don't believe so, no. Do you have any friends who never shut up about their boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, I used to. She vanished. Have you ever showered with a member of the opposite sex? No. Don't want to. I want to be alone when I shower.

[szopenhauer]

What was your last dream about? pamiętam tylko tyle, że M. powinna uważać na jej byłego

Would you like to build/design your own house? yes

Do you have a cherished childhood teddy bear? it’s not really a teddy but yeah

Are you psychic in any way? it seems

Are you a good dancer? meh

Are you a good singer? nooo

Are you a good cook? not the worst

Are you a good artist? maybe

Are you a good listener? try to be 

Are you a good public speaker? but don’t like to 

Are you a good babysitter? might be but hate that

Are you a good dresser? have my own style

Are you a good comedian? I’m funny :P

Are you a good cleaner? not good enough

Are you a good actor? I am

Are you a good writer? just like to write

Do you ever get chills & goosebumps when you listen to music? tell me about it...

What was the last song that had that effect on you? not sure which was last

Do you know what any of your siblings did over the weekend? I don’t care

Was the last book you read a hardback or paperback? paperback

What was the last thing you required the use of a spoon for? I was eating breakfast

The last time you ate something, was it in a bowl or on a plate? neither XD

Can you recall the last time you held hands with someone? I can

What was the last thing that made your heart melt? hmm...

Can you recall the last time you visited a bookshop? not the exact day but yep

Did you purchase anything? I don’t think so

Have you been wearing homemade masks or store-bought ones? both

Do you call yourself stupid a lot? sometimes

Are you listening to music right now? not rn

What is your newest favorite website? aliexpress?

Do you have a headache right now? had before today

What month is your birthday, and what month would u change it to if you could?  February and would like June, July or August that’s why I will spend my name day during summer instead of spring with my sister

Have you ever had to use an epi pen? not yet

Do you know the names of 3 of your neighbors? (list if you can): personal

What was the last grocery store you shopped at?

Do memories from your past come back to haunt you ? frequently

Have you ever seen an angel? or a ghost

Have you ever seen a demon? that time in a mirror?...

What color was the last sweatshirt you wore? grey

What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Vinnie’s tiny bird next to her signature?

Do you ever find yourself just writing/typing out your feelings? my tumblr is full of this shit

Whose house were you at last, besides your own? my current partner’s

Do you like your teeth? not really

Does piano music tend to calm you down? wouldn’t say so

What’s something you need to get done soon? ugh...

Is your best friend awake right now? they are

If I came to your house, could I find any kind of chocolate? ask my mother

Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? M.

Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? neither

Don’t tell me lies, so where’s your man? where’s Nat? XD

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? dad

Has anyone said they love you in the last week? yasss

Have you ever kissed under water? hell no

Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a M? hahaha

Would you kiss the last person who texted you, on the lips? done and I hopefully will

Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends? hotel 

Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? absolutely

Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have? like health

How is your boyfriend/girlfriend doing and where are they now? she’s angry, has a flu and she’s working

What was the last topic you read about? DID?

Do you prefer Windows or Mac? Windows

What’s the best amusement park ride you’ve ever been on? I’m not a fan of rides tbh

Would you know how to read a house blueprint? partially?

Do you keep notes on your phone? What sort of things do you write? used to on my old cell

Do you remember much from high school? tought so

Has anyone ever come out to you? yup

What was the last album you listened to in full? Red army choir or Anastasis?

Do you have Disney+? we don’t

Have you ever sent a package or letter to a foreign country? postcards

How many jobs do you have on your resume? 0

Are you comfortable with leaving the house without any makeup on?: I don’t wear makeup

Do you have any expensive hobbies?: if I had money...

What length do you like to keep your nails at?: short

Have you ever felt physical pain in a dream?: but not as much as Nat 

Have you ever had Christmas carolers come to your house and sing for you?: when I was a kid

What’s your favorite Studio Ghibli film?: Porco Rosso?

What did you learn from your last failed relationship?: can we not talk about it...

What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done?: I’m a huge procrastinator

Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it?: collages

What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)?: period, being able to get pregnant and have female kinds of cancer etc.

What movie has the best special effects?: I’m into practical special effects more than cgi but... there’s too many to name

When did you last have a vision test?: ages ago 

[mochixjimin]

The Truth Untold

Jeon Jungkook | BTS | angst

Word Count: 6.8K

Warnings: Mentions of assault, attempted suicide, self harm, minor violence, and language

A/N: ~~Indicates past events~~ italics are Jungkook’s thoughts 

“I can’t show you my weakness, so I’m putting on a mask to go see you.“

Busan, 12 am.

The open summer spring skies had hues of blues and blacks with bright white specs painting the fading night going into the next day. High school students bumbling about, laughing, and virtually screaming after exams were over, all he could do was chuckle, “Glad those days are over.” Jungkook smiled and took a small swig of the beer bottle perched at the table of the street ramen booth you two often visited on your days off from classes.

He went to touch his neck, feeling around for the chain with the silver metal circle on it that he wore around his neck months after he met you. Jungkook smiled when he thought about the day you gave it to him.

~~~~~~~~~ 

It was the week before Christmas break and he’d finally gotten up the courage to ask you out, “Okay Jeon, don’t punk out now. ___ is almost here for the hot cocoa date, everything is perfect.” He thought to himself as he spent the evening getting all of your favorite things, snacks, a little bear that said “I love you” in his cute voice for her.

“Wow, Jungkook this is perfect! We were just watching movies, you didn’t have to do all this, I’m not worth it really.” She voiced, incredulously looking at all the work he put in for her, “You are so sweet, where are the people like you? I haven’t had a friend do anything like this for me before.”

He smiled and inwardly his heart beat at a fast pace, while his final present held behind his hands for ___, it was a bracelet with their names etched in with the words, “I love you noodlehead.” Yes, it was stupid, but the first time he met ___, they bonded over an accidentally spilled bowl of her spicy noodles all over his uniform in high school. She felt so bad that she poured the rest of the ramen on her head, “See, now we match!” and they were friends ever since.

“Um, ____? I need to tell you something, as you know we’ve been friends for a long time and we’ve been through a lot, but I wanted to let you know that I’m in l-” He almost finished as the door made a couple quick knocks, “Oh sorry Jungkook! I forgot to tell you that Jimin is coming over, get another mug please.”

“Jimini-hyung? I thought you hated him?” He spoke, shoving the box with the jewelry in his back pocket.

She answered him as she turned to open the door, “Well yeah, I did, but he’s not that bad. Yoongi-oppa invited us to listen to his mixtape before he released it, and I had fun, he’s not an immature man baby like I thought.”

Jungkook’s face reddened in slight anger; it wasn’t that he didn’t like Jimin, but the older male was too flirty for his liking and it always toward ____, when she told him that she wished Jimin wasn’t so childish made him perk up in a hopeful stance.

“Sup Jungkookie, I hope it’s okay that ___ invited me; What are we watching tonight?” Jimin asked as he flashed a quick smile to Jungkook and took off his jacket to put an arm around ____, making Jungkook turn green with envy.

“Yeah, whatever, just shut up when the movie plays.” He muttered and sat down as he started to press ‘play’ on the remote.

As the movie played, he couldn’t even believe this, ___ was laughing and leaning on Jimn, occasionally she would poke at Jungkook’s face telling him to stop crossing his arms, “Kookie, you’re gonna get frown lines! Is the movie bad? I tried to find a cheesy Christmas movie, but if it really sucks then we can watch something else?”

“No, no. It’s fine,” Jungkook lied as he forced out a faked smile to ___ but eyes shooting daggers at Jimin, “the movie is perfect. Just like you.”

She chuckled and spoke up, “Aw, Kookie. You’re so sweet! Also, I saw this man at the market today, and he had rings on sale! There was a couple's discount, so I got you one too! Now we can be friends forever, and he gave me a free engraving since it’s the holiday season!”

He beamed at the rings, and he softened as he saw the etched phrase, “Ramen Forever, love you!” 

Jungkook went to reach in his back pocket, “I got you this too, Merry Christmas noodlehead.”

“Jungkookie! You said you would never talk about that again! My hair smelled like chili paste for a week” ____ said as she turned to Jimin to help her put the bracelet on her wrist.

“Hey, hey, can you two shut up now, we get you’re best friends. Can we go back to the movie now?” Jimin interrupted as he latched the clasp together on her wrist, Jungkook narrowed his eyes at Jimin for breaking him and ___ out their separate conversation, but answered, “Yeah sure, let’s continue.”

~~~~~~~~~

He was happily lost in a trance when he heard, “Oh, Kook-ah, you thinking about ___, again? Are planning the future wedding, I can be your best man! But, uh, I'm already going to let you know that you'll only get a bottle of Soju from me; we are broke college students after all.” 

Taehyung teased as he gave him a tight back hug, tousled the younger male's dark locks, and sat down to ask the man at the grill for a bottle. “Well, how have you been? I mean it’s almost like I lost my roommate.” Taehyung mused after not seeing him since you two spent pretty much the entire spring break together and going over her and Minji's apartment every evening, "I hope they don’t make you start paying for rent and groceries. Minji doesn’t play about her kitchen or the fridge."

Jungkook outwardly laughed at his friend, “Tae” he chuckled, “Minji-noona spends like seven hundred percent of her time with Hoseok-hyung now, they're practically inseparable. But you seriously believe that in a couple of years, all you could give me for my wedding present is a tiny bottle of alcohol?" He responded, completely sidestepping the denial of liking ___, "But no, we just played games and drank beer, can’t good friends do that?”

“Bullshit! You��ve been over there just drinking and lazing around? Did you sleep on the couch? She makes me sleep on the couch!”

His eyebrow quirked, then he turned to the older male, “Well, I was going to at first… But, you know how __ is! She hates people sleeping on the couch.” Jungkook quickly finished, acting as if that excuse made any sense to which Taehyung countered, “Jungkook, what? ___ practically made me and Jimin scrunch up on that very couch two months ago! I know her bed can fit at least 4 people, and she made us sleep in the living room! My back is still killing me from that night, maybe I should have slept in Minji's bed, Hoseok-hyung probably wouldn’t have minded…”

Jungkook laughed at Taehyung, smiled inward, and prided himself on the fact that she wouldn’t let anyone else but him and her girlfriends coming over to sleep in her bed. “I mean what can I say hyung, maybe ___ doesn’t want you two stinking up her bed, also you like to cuddle people, and Jimin practically rolls all over the place. You’re lucky she didn’t make you two sleep on the floor.”

Taehyung rolled his eyes and continued to tease Jungkook, “Oh, whatever Kook-ah, you're in love with her, and we all know it.” Taehyung continued, surprised that he brought up the other man’s name, “And wow, you said his name. Have you two talked since–” he went to finish until Jungkook cut him off hastily, “Not yet,” he grumbled, “I will, but he needs to apologize for what he said; it was uncalled for and rude.”

Taehyung let out a haughty chuckle, tipping the green bottle of liquor sat on the wooden table into one of the glasses perched between them, “What did he do anyway? All he said was that you ripped his head off because you saw them wrestling or something the other day. I’ve never seen him so rattled, you two really need to kiss and make up.”

Jungkook’s jaw visibly tightened, it wasn’t the fact that they were messing around, it was the fact that ___ could have gotten hurt.

~~~~~~~~~ 

Jungkook texted ___ to leave her key under the mat, saying that he needed to come over and share a drink at the ramen shop on the corner. When Jungkook stuck the key into the lock, he heard faint noises, kind of like ___ and maybe someone else? He just assumed it would be her and Minji arguing over whether to watch a cooking show or a baking show, Jungkook really didn’t get the big difference, but whatever ___ liked, he would agree to watch, no matter how boring.

Once Jungkook remembered what a rough day he had in his engineering class, he couldn’t wait to see ___ and a nice bowl of pork ramen. He screwed up a design that could have been fatal if it were test run, but the thought vacated his mind when he saw and heard her make an ungodly sound as Jimin sat up on your hips. “Jiminie!! Aish, get off me, you fat ass, we can watch your crime drama! We could have flipped a coin, you jerk!”

“Jimin. What in the fuck are you doing to my ___?” He spat, slightly startling them as they looked up to Jungkook with one hand still on the knob of the door and the other clutching his backpack strap in a death grip.

He didn’t even bother to not sound possessive, adding ‘my’ to whenever he talked about her, but he knew she didn’t mind because usually it was always matched with love in his voice, but this instance was nothing of the sort; it was seething pure of jealousy and annoyance.

Jimin laughed, still holding your flailing arms lightly in his hands,  “Aish, Kookie calm down, she isn't your pet. ___ tried to get the remote from me and guess who lost?”

You ignored Jungkook's words, let out an exasperated groan, and grumbled, “Yeah, yeah, I almost had you! Jimin-oppa just had to put that luscious booty on me, and I was out for the count.”

Jimin aired an over exaggerated gasp when he crouched to pull you up, “___-ah, have you been staring at my ass!? You stinker!”

When you were both upright, his eyes went into crescents, lithe hands going from your wrists up to your face to pinch your cheeks, lightly spoke and feigned shock, “Ahh, ___-ssi! How dare you, take me to dinner first!”

She laughed and weakly tried to dodge his hands from going toward her glistened face, “Stoooop! Jiminie, shush!! We are younger than you, but you can at least call me sunbae, okay?” You voiced as you went to the kitchen to get some water and fan yourself off, but Jungkook had already lost it. “Jimin-oppa? When did she start to call you that?"

Jimin brushed it off and attempted to ask him how his day went when the younger boy continued, "___-ssi? You’re older than us, hyung. You need to start acting like an actual adult.” He couldn’t help but grit this sentence, grimacing.

"Well, uh, ___-ah and I are just playing Kookie. You know I don’t care about formal titles, we're all friends here. Besides, it's only two years, and I'm not an ahjussi just yet." Jimin comically added and shrugged, but Jungkook disregarded him, and continued to scold you two; well, mostly Jimin. “You two shouldn’t be messing around like that. Don’t you ever put your hands on my ___, if she wants something, just give it to her.”

Sensing the unnecessary palpability, Jimin continued to push him, and a smug grin painted his face, “So if she wanted my dick, should I just give it to her?”

Before he could think, Jungkook’s hands were tangled in Jimin’s shirt, pressing the shorter man up against the nearby wall, “If you ever talk about her like that again, I will fucking end you, got me Jimin-ssi?”

The older man's eyes bulged, and he began to speak up when ___ interrupted, still in the kitchen, “Hey! What are you two doing in there!? Jiminie did you drop something, you klutz!”

Jungkook, hands still twisted in the light material, bared his eyes toward Jimin, collected his composure and calmly responded, “Aha, ___, you know Jimin! He has a hard time keeping his hands in his pockets. He’s always touching things that aren’t his business to even look at.” Lowering the last sentence in a hushed voice only they could hear.

Jimin visibly gulped and tried to answer as well without alerting her that something was wrong, “U-um, yeah ___-ah, don’t worry about me! I was just about to go, Minji texted me about our Physics project, I’ll see you around.” With that, Jungkook let go of his shirt, smoothed it out, virtually shoved him out the door, and nearly slammed it in anger.

“Awh, damn. Jimin didn’t tell me bye,” she pouted walking back into the room and putting her hands over her chest, “What were you two even talking about? Why did he have to go, Minji-unnie told me before she went to bed last night that they finished that project a few days ago…”

He shrugged and went to pat your shoulders, “Oh, well maybe they changed something in the end. I thought noona said it wasn’t due until the end of the month anyway. Are you okay?”

She uncrossed her arms, listened to him, and laughed, “Kookie, I’m fine, seriously. You gotta stop calling me yours and why you get so worked up about me; I could have beaten his ass any day, you know that!”

Jungkook ignored her words, but the phrase “beaten his ass” stuck out presently in his mind out of the entire statement, “Also, ___-ah… has Jimin-hyung been a little more, um- handsy with you? I don’t like it, he’s such a pervert.”

___ chortled, nearly tumbling over in gasps, “Jeon Jungkook, ew, how could think like that! Jiminie is a dummy, we were just playing around. You know how he is, I like when he's silly with me.”

She looked up towards his stern face cupped it, and smiled brightly, “It was nothing for you to worry about, okay? Today was just I don’t know, meh. I wanted to watch Cake Wars, but he didn’t, so we argued, and somehow I ended up on the floor. What a bummer, I almost had him for a moment there too.”

He always loved how she never got too upset about such trivial things and reassured him, especially when her smaller hands moved to his face, making his striking features soften and lean into her touch. His hands dropped to her waist to pull her closer into a hug, and he softly smiled, “Okay. Well, ____-ah, I’m here now and let’s see if those bakers from New York figured out how to put the clock on the cake design without overshadowing Alice and her dress.”

She beamed and jumped on him to carry her to the couch, “Ah, Kook-ah!! I haven’t seen that part yet! Hush!”

~~~~~~~~~

Taehyung snapped in front of his face, “Ya! Jungkook-ah, why do you keep zoning out, what happened with you and Jimin?”

“Hyung, don’t worry about it. When Jimin decides to grow up and apologize, then it’s square.” He said, cutting any room for questions when he abruptly changed topics, “Anyways, we should swing by ____ and Minji's. It's movie night, Minji picked though, so get ready to watch another sappy rom-com. Have either of them texted you?”

Taehyung sensed the air of annoyance lingering over Jungkook's past conversation with Jimin, so he brushed it off and responded to the latter, “You know what? I totally forgot about the movie tonight, but to answer your question, no. The last thing ___ texted me was that she would give my hoodie back whenever we stopped by, but I could have sworn I told her that she could have it for her birthday last year… She’s been acting so strange lately? The other day when we were over there, she went on a thirty-minute tirade because Jin-hyung and Namjoon-hyung were too old to be play fighting, I hope she’s not too stressed.”

Taehyung’s genuine concern about her made Jungkook worry even more. ___ was very strange for the last few weeks: forgetting assignments, sleeping in a painfully obvious amount, and changing her outfits drastically in this heat. The weather began to increase in a hot, humid fashion this spring, but she opted for long sleeves, hoodies, and continuously wore sweatpants to cover her body from the neck down, it was odd, but she did always complain about being cold, so you didn’t pay it any mind. Plus with finals and everything approaching, Jungkook just assumed that she was trying to be steadfast in her studies.

___ had also started texting vaguely and declining any invites out, something not quite like her. “Hey, hyung. Let’s go see her then, maybe she’s down about something? I hope she isn’t pouting around by herself.”

Taehyung nodded in agreement, but just before they were about to head out, his phone rang. The screen flashed Hoseok's name and a picture of him wearing the flower outfit took over the screen, he smiled and went to answer. "Oh, hey hyung, me and Jungkook were just a--" Jungkook turned his head in confusion at the abrupt end to his sentence to look at Taehyung; the older male's face drained to a pale white and his mouth agape, "Hyung… What's wrong? Did Yeontan get out again?" Jungkook questioned, about to make a joke about his dog escaping, but all Taehyung could mutter was, "We need to go to the hospital."

Taehyung ended the call with Hoseok saying, "We'll be there in ten mintues hyung; we're at the ramen stall four blocks up the street." He laced his hand around Jungkook's wrist, nearly yanking his whole arm out of the socket to flag down a taxi, but Jungkook wouldn’t budge, "Taehyung-ah! What is happening?! Tell me."

"Jeon Jungkook, just get in the fucking car. It's about ___, I'll tell you on the way, hurry up." Taehyung aired, void of all formalities at the moment since the younger male decided to drop them in slowly built anger, and pulled Jungkook into the taxi.

Busan, 1:15 am.

The hospital emergency room toiled with varying situations, from a minor bruises to gunshot victims, but all he could worry about was you. "She's on the third floor, this way," Taehyung mentioned, dragging Jungkook's dazed self away from the directory sign to go where she was.

Once they got to the waiting area, he saw Jin and Hoseok comforting Minji, Jungkook noticed that she was only wearing a baggy tee and what he assumed were leggings and slipper like shoes; her hair was pulled into a messy bun, eye makeup was smudged, and she kept incoherently muttering, "W-water, so m-m-much water."

At that, she burst back into tears and Hoseok pulled her into his lap, sighed, and rubbed her back lovingly. When Hoseok looked up, he saw the two of you; he went to speak, but Jin sent him a soft look that he would handle it, so that Hoseok could continue to comfort Minji.

"Hyung, what happened, how could she… I don’t understand, is ___ okay?" Taehyung asked for him, for Jungkook's mouth was drier than sand in the Sahara desert.

Both of them could tell that he had been crying as well; his face was puffy and reddened, his lips were swollen like he gnawed at them, and his eyes looked blown out and strained. "We just didn't know she was struggling, I mean she mentioned to me and Joon that she feeling anxious and a bit paranoid, but I thought that it was because her formal presentation to the research committee was coming up. They had to pump her stomach, but the doctor said that ____ will be fine. She's sleeping right now. Yoongi and Namjoon went out to get Minji something to eat, but Jungk-"

"How could she do this. We spent almost every day together, why the fuck didn’t she tell me." Jungkook interjected, finally finding the words to speak, "She acted like she was okay, how-- why would she do something so fucking stupid."

Taehyung, trying to calm him, but scolding him for his insensitive comments, "Hey now, watch it Jungkook. ___ can't be bright and cheery one hundred percent of the time; we don’t know how she was feeling. All that matters is that she's safe now."

Jungkook, feeling like a complete jerk, apologized and walked past them to speak with Minji and Hoseok, "Hey… How are you doing noona?"

She looked up and scowled at him, "Me, how am I doing? Oh, I'm fucking amazing. My roommate and best friend in the whole, wide world attempted to kill herself, but how was your day?"

Hoseok aired a dejected sigh, "Baby…"

"What, I went to study for that stupid ass Physics exam with Jimin, and she kept texting me all this weird stuff. Why didn't I realize what she was doing, I literally just read about this shit in one of her Psych books." She let out a haughty, unsteady breath, then continued, "___ said she wanted me to take her laptop, I thought it was broken again. I never understood why she wouldn’t just buy a newer one, she is the cheapest bitch I've ever met. I bet she has enough money to buy the entire Mac store for Christ's sake."

Minji paused to laugh, "___ is so damn cheap." Tears began to spring back into her eyes when she thought about easy it was to read ___, or that she thought she could, "I told her that I'd fix it when me and Jimin touched up the final parts of our project, so she just sent me a weird message to forget about it, but I knew that she would just pout if I didn’t hurry up and fix it."

She stopped to regain a semblance of steadiness in her voice, but it failed her. Breathing deep and closing her eyes, "We argued a few days ago about that, but I was over it; it was so dumb of me to get mad at her, we both know if her computer caught fire, I would still fix it. When we got to the door, I went to unlock it, but it was already open; ___ would never do that. She always bitched if the deadbolt wasn’t turned, so I knew that something was off. I tried to call her like six times on the way over, but Jimin said that maybe she went out with you and left her cellphone by accident, but there's no way; ___ is very picky, she would have let me know if she'd be gone or at the very least, she would have told Jungkook-ah to text me."

Jungkook and Taehyung now sat on the other side of Minji and Hoseok; Jin received a call from Namjoon and took off to look for him and Yoongi, wondering what was taking them so long. Taehyung started to cry when he listened to Minji recount the evening, Hoseok still had his arm wrapped around her, the other laid across her thigh stroking it and indicating that it would be alright to inform them. Jungkook wouldn’t release any other emotion other than a hard, steely look on his face, harshly clearing his throat to stifle the tears in his eyes.

"Baby, you don’t have to tell us right now. You need to rest, I'll tell Namjoon to take you to his for the night" Hoseok said, trying to soothe his girlfriend, but Minji was always so headstrong, "No. I'm not leaving until she wakes back up. I'll be okay, just text Jin-oppa to bring me a fleece blanket from wherever they went, I'm not hungry."

Hoseok sighed again, heeded her words, and took his phone out to text Jin. Minji, now a little more calm, leaned back into Hoseok's chest and let out a huff to brace herself, "I went in to check her room to see if she had maybe fallen asleep, b-but it was like I stepped in a puddle, and my socks felt wet. There was… there was just so much water on the floor. I walked to her bathroom and she was passed out in the tub with all these pills, they--they were everywhere."

She leaned forward, placed her elbows on the tops of her knees, and palmed her face before continuing, "I should have known, why didn't I tell Jimin to piss off and study another day; I was so swamped with everything, I forgot about her. If I hadn't left for the library, she wouldn’t be in the hospital. We would be eating nothing but junk food and getting ready for movie night… I actually thought about picking an action movie this time. Our last words would have been me screaming at her over being so tight about money. What if I hadn’t felt that something was off, she would be dead, I-- she could have actually--"

Hoseok stood up, carefully standing in front of her in a protective stance hiding her from the other two men to wipe the fresh tears from her eyes, "Okay, baby, that’s enough. Jin-hyung found Joonie and Yoongi-hyung, they'll be here any moment. I want you to go home with Namjoon like I said. I promise that I will call you as soon as she wakes up. " He told rather than suggested to Minji as he laced his larger hand in her shaky one and walked her to Namjoon and Yoongi.

"God. We all should have known, I hope Minji can sleep tonight…" Taehyung finally aired, breaking the silence after they watched the older man take his girlfriend to the others so she could get some rest.

Jin came back to sit where Hoseok sat a few moments earlier to speak up, "Oh man, Minji is so shaken up, we should go see how ___ an-"

"She's awake?! We can go in see her now?" Jungkook interrupted him for the second time, "C'mon Taehyung, let's go!"

Jin rolled his eyes at Jungkook's impatience and grabbed his arm before he broke the door down, "Jungkook, slow down. I need to let you know that-"

"Damnit hyung, get off. I want to see her, now back up." Jungkook bit, snatched his arm away, and blindly went to open the door when he saw him.

To anyone else, it looked like a boyfriend that was deeply in love and would stay there as long it took for their love to wake up, but to Jungkook it disgusted and angered him, "Jimin, what in the fuck are you in her bed for?" He nearly snarled at the older male lying next to ____, huddled near her sleeping form, and hand laced with hers.

Taehyung clearly sensing the terse air, attempting to deter from the younger's offensive stance, "Jiminie, how long have you been here? Why didn’t you come out, didn’t you hear us out there?"

"I couldn’t leave her Taehyung, I texted Jin-hyung that she was awake for a bit, but she's still pretty drained." Jimin responded, completely ignoring Jungkook's childish behavior, but clearly, he wouldn’t have it, "Hyung, if you don't get away from her, you perverted fuck. How dare you try to get your dick hard from her passed out, she could have died."

Jimin blinked in awe and got up from the bed where ___ lie, still asleep, but he got up to defend himself, "What in the fuck is wrong with you? ___ almost died, and you're pissed off because I'm cuddling her in the bed?"

Jungkook wanted to scream. His arms tensed in anger as if he were going to punch Jimin square in the jaw but he retorted, "You know damn well that I am right. ___ isn't yours, why in the fuck are anywhere near her when I told you I'd lay your ass out if even did so much to look in her direction."

"What?"

A familiar voice meekly rang out, and all three of them turned to see her awake, but still dazed when Jimin flew across the room to her side, “Oh fuck! ___!? Sweetheart are you okay, here drink some water.”

She took a few sips from the cup in Jimin’s hand and joked, “Haha, well oppa, it feels like I haven’t eaten for a week, but I’m okay. I got your clothes wet… I’m so sorry baby.”

Jimin beamed at her softly and joked, “Well, I’ll send you the invoice for my new boots.” He smiled as tears came back to dust his eyes when he put one hand to her face as if they were lost in their own world, “No sweetheart, no apologies. Remember? You just had a bad day and we can work through it, but don’t apologize for how you’re feeling. They’re valid and you shouldn’t be sorry for how you feel.”

Jungkook butted in once more pulling them back into the question he asked, “What the fuck is going on!? I swear to God, back away from my ___.”

“Wow. Um, Kook-ah why don’t you ju–” Taehyung tried to diffuse the situation but Jungkook’s rage broke them out of the bubble they were in and she groggily aired, “Tae-Tae, Jiminie, can you two leave us alone for a bit?”

“Are you sure? I can handle Ju–"

“I got it Jiminie, thanks. I know it must have been uncomfortable lying next to me like a sardine; just go out in the waiting room with Tae, I bet you two are starving.” She lightly aired, always caring about the next person rather than herself.

Taehyung and Jimin obliged then left the room, leaving ___ and Jungkook to finally cut the tense feelings between him and Jimin, but Jungkook spoke first, “Why would you lie to me? You said you didn’t even like Jimin! You assured me of that when he left that day.”

She took a sip of water from the cup on the rolling table next to the bed and lowly chuckled, “Are you serious? If that’s what you’re worried about, then you need to back the hell up and get a grip.” ___ said, trying to resituate in a way that was comfortable for her back and also to look at Jungkook better as he stood indignant and still angry. “Things can change, yeah Jimin was immature to me, but the more time we spent together, the more I fell for him, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“You didn’t mean to fall for him? What about us?” Jungkook annoyingly aired, then continued his tantrum, “I love you. I thought you loved me, you fucking lied to me.”

“What about us? Of course, I love you Jungkook, but you’re my best friend.” She retorted and he crumpled inside, figure staggering, “B-but… the rings? You let me sleep in your bed, you always flirt, my name for you… I though–”

“Excuse me? Just because I do nice things for you, does not mean I’m in love with you. It’s fucking misogynistic of you to assume we have some love like the romance movies because of stupid shit like that, and I fucking hate when you say "My ___”. I am not your property, I tell you all the time to stop saying it, Jimin gets so upset when you lay claim to me like I’m a fucking dog. You shouldn’t perpetuate those stereotypes and I cannot even believe you thought for a second that I enjoyed that bullshit. The rings were for friends, I know I worded it wrong, but they were friendship rings Kookie. Also, I only let you sleep in my bed because you kept complaining and I didn’t want you to be in a mood because Taehyung likes to cuddle people in his sleep and tried to smother you the last time you guys were at my place.“

Even as ___ went off on him, he couldn’t listen. She was alright, but why Jimin? What did he have that Jungkook didn’t, "How many people knew?”

“What?”

“How many people knew, ___? Or did you two have fun keeping this thing a secret.” He gritted, looking to her for an answer when she angrily said, “God, Jungkook stop this! Our relationship has nothing to do with you. I begged you to stop being so fucking selfish and listen to me, but you only care about yourself. I tried several times to invite Jimin with us or to a movie night, but you go out of your way to make him feel left out.”

He let out a haughty laugh, unfazed by your addition of Jimin to cruelly spit, “I’m the selfish one? Sure. You chose to kill yourself and I’m the selfish person? You never even told me about your depression, what the fuck?”

She looked toward him in shock, “Get the fuck out.”

He quickly attempted to backtrack & apologize before she cut him off to lay into him more, “Are you out of your fucking mind. How dare you, I’ve been managing my depression for years; you didn’t know because you didn’t want to; it would kill the halo you keep over my head.”

He stared at her, opening and closing his mouth failing to find something to make it better, ”____… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Can we forget it and start over?“

____ looked at him for a long time, trying to find the correct words that would make him understand, “Jungkook that’s the problem. You always spout off anything you fucking want to and I’m left to clean up your mess. You think that you can do no wrong and I should fall to your feet and beg for your attention. Just listen for once in your goddamned life.” ___ calmed down and felt tears mist your eyes, “Do you remember the EXO frat party we went to as freshmen?”

His eyes softened and searched the room as if he could remember; that night was a blur, but he remembered you two got separated somehow and received a message saying that she was fine and would meet up with him sometime later, “Uh, yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?”

She let out a shaky breath, tears falling down her face in slow traces, “That night when we were separated, one of the frat guys hassled me, I tried to get him to back off, but he wouldn’t leave me alone unless he could get me a drink. We talked for a few minutes, but when I tried to go, he groped me and noticed I started to get dizzy,” she laughed, trying to veil the sentiment in a lighter tone, “I mean you hear about these things, I never thought it would be me…”

As she trailed off to clear her throat, Jungkook interjected, “____… W-were you assaulted at the party that night?” His hands were tensed back up, arm veins so prominent, they looked as if they would burst. His steely grimace twisted in anger then disgust and his eyes were clouded with tears just as yours were, “Who the fuck hurt you, and I’ll kill them.”

“No, Jungkook, please don’t. He got me up to his room and then it was kind of a blur, but luckily Hoseok and Jin were there as well to get the bastard off me and get me to the hospital. I was terrified; what would people think, what would you think? A stupid freshman girl out drinking alone? How could I be so careless?” She aired, voice still broken, "After that night, I "took that vacation abroad” but I was in and out of the court trying to get that stain’s sorry ass sent to prison. I spent every night waking up in cold sweats, crying and screaming for help. Minji was worried I would try to cut again, so she told Jimin to “hang out” with me, but I hated him for it because I knew what they were doing.“

___ laughed, this time in the way she did whenever Yoongi would send her a picture of a puppy in a wig, but Jungkook couldn’t believe any of this and stood still as you continued, "Anyways, Jimin came over and I absolutely wanted to strangle him, but after a couple hours, he had me outside, enjoying things the way I used to. I also stopped having those nightmares and even when I had a bad day, he could just tell. I wouldn’t have to mention anything, he would just come over and lay with me, whether I needed to cry or yell at him, he would let me. Then one day we kissed and it felt right, like a puzzle piece you’ve been looking for and it can finally complete the picture.”

But I could do all those things, all you had to do was ask, I would have been there for you in a heartbeat. “So, Jimin and you have been together for three years. And that day I walked in on you two…”

“Yes, he was trying to cheer me up because I had a panic attack. Thankfully, I got my attacker expelled, but his frat buddies weren’t so pleased that I got their frat expelled from campus and left a few of them to look for lawyers as well… they were leaving horrible notes for me and making anonymous threats, I tried to go to the campus police, but they can’t protect me for the rest of my time here, and it just got to be too much.” You finished, staring off into the space where the pullout recliner chair for visitors sat, “That’s why I never go to those type of parties anymore, or how I flinch when you come up and startle me; I’m just fearful, but with Jimin and some counseling has helped it be manageable.”

He just couldn’t understand, curtly asking, “Then why did you try to hurt yourself? How come you wouldn’t tell me? Does anyone else know?”

She sighed, “I don’t know, my research presentation was coming up, I got in a fight with Minji, and everything just didn’t matter anymore; I just thought it would be better if I died. Only Jimin, Hoseok, Jin, Minji and maybe Yoongi know, but I couldn’t tell you, just look at you now; I can’t have someone I care about throwing their life away for a creep.”

“But he deserves it! No one should lay a hand on my- you.” He started up and quieted down as he almost claimed her as his again out of habit, “Why did you leave the rest of us in the dark?”

“Taehyung couldn’t handle this, with the death of both his aunt and cousin that year, I just couldn’t put that on him; it wouldn’t be fair. And well, I’m sure Yoongi knows, but he just doesn’t say it, he’ll just bring me treats and check in on me with a color every so often. I’m glad too, he lets me still be me and I don’t feel coddled like I was when it first happened; Yoongi must be so hurt, I have to apologize. I always tell him everything.”

Once more, Jungkook felt dejected, she told everyone but him, and it hurt, especially when she mentioned apologizing for all this, it wasn’t her fault and he wanted to hold her in his arms to let her know it would be okay, but it wasn’t his place.

“____, you have to worry about yourself only. Especially after this, you should-”

This was her time to interrupt, “Jungkook no. Don’t tell me what I should do. I can worry about my friends, I know what I did was selfish and I feel horrible, but you will not tell me what I can worry about. I hope you can understand that I’m not who you wanted me to be, but don’t patronize me, I’m still human.”

He held his head in shame at the things he said in anger, “Stop it. I shouldn’t have said that ____, I didn’t mean it, and I was just upset. It was wrong of me, I’ll let you rest.”

With that, he turned around and began to place his hand on the door handle when you sighed & spoke up, “Kookie?”

“Yes?”

“Come here.” Almost like his body was on autopilot, his hand dropped from the door handle and his legs moved toward her, “Closer Kookie, I’m not radioactive.”

He leaned over her figure, even in this terrible hospital light, she still glowed with beauty and warmth. She reached up to him the best she could and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek and a tight hug.

“I love you, Kookie.”

Those words felt like several aching blows to the stomach; ___ smelled of lilac and vanilla, her scent wafting together in his nostrils as their embrace tightened, and his tears began to flow freely, “I love you too. I’m so sorry.”

I can’t have her in the ways I thought, I wished it could have been me lying with her, making new memories, and giving her reasons to smile, but it never would be true; at least not in the true sense of my love for her. Our friendship will be nothing more than that and as I look at this broken mask,

I still want you.

a/n: don’t ask for sequels or updates, lemme know what you think!

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Twenty Eight

My sinuses really hate me today. 

My new air purifier definitely helped to clean the air a bit more in my apartment, but I still woke up sneezing and sniffling. I think my early morning sniffles might have more to do with my gastritis than anything. Still, there’s the bad air quality in my office at work that has dust climbing up my nose hairs and making proverbial braids. I wore my face mask for most of the day, which prompted my students and colleagues alike to ask me if I have a cold. Until I get a bigger air purifier, I’m going to start bringing my mini one to school too to save my poor nostrils. 

School was ok today, just busy and tiring. I managed to order some Starbucks for C at work today after my failed attempt last night. Of course, the delivery guy thought he was being super hilarious when he arrived 15 minutes earlier than I planned and kept calling me on repeat to come get my delivery when I was in the middle of class. Not that I missed much; my fourth graders were failing hard at playing Bingo, even though we’ve played it a few times already in class. I don’t know why the delivery guy couldn’t just leave my delivery with the security guard at the main gate; it’s like they need you to hold their hand through the delivery process. 

I got to meet my new colleage, AS, officially today. She seems nice; I hope I can help her get more acquainted with the city and work as she settles into her new teaching job at my school. We had a welcome dinner for AS tonight which consisted of her, C, CI, myself and N. I thought I would be exhausted by the time dinner rolled around, but I managed to save up some energy for it after all. We ate Korean barbeque, which was delicious as always. N walked home and C and AS went to do some grocery shopping for her new apartment while CI and I took a taxi together. Because it was nearly 20:00 when I got home, I decided to exercise in my apartment instead of going all the way to the gym tonight. It was a good workout, but my body and mind felt tired and preoccupied during my exercises. 

Before dinner earlier, N and AS were at the bank opening AS’s new Chinese account while C, CI and I waited for them to wrap up. C was sharing some spam emails with CI and I that she’d received during the day: the usual drivel coming from my home continent preying on the weak and the naive for money to help some poor sod who’s down on his or her luck. Something about that spam email set me off in a big way, which got CI and I talking about honesty and lying to people. CI made the valid point that sometimes you do have to lie to people in order to spare their feelings; like complimenting someone on their outfit or how they look even when you don’t think that person looks particularly good at all. I agree with CI that telling the truth in those instances is pretty pointless and won’t actually be of any help. 

But when it comes to actual lies, lies that wound someone’s dignity and breaks their heart, those are the lies I can’t tolerate anymore. And it’s all because of X. The way I see it, you’re more useful to me being exactly who you really are, even if it means you’re a total creep or a raging bitch. At least I’d know what I was dealing with then and would actively find ways not to cross paths with you. As Oscar Wilde once said: ‘A true friend stabs you in the front.’ CI again made a valid point in saying that poor people are sometimes driven to do desperate and terrible things just to get their hands on even a little bit of money. I can’t even begin to imagine what that’s like and how difficult it must be to go through life not knowing where your next meal or your next pay cheque is coming from. But does that mean that you have to become some villainous, heinous creature who hurts and deceives other people just to get their grubby hands on money? 

But with X, she launched a full-scale invasion on my heart and turned it into ruined, confetti pieces after she was done. And for what? For money? For attention? Those are a soulless person’s greatest treasures. It sickens me that hard times and desperation can turn even the kindest people into emotionally leeching vampires. 

I guess I’m really projecting tonight, huh? I knew I would feel weird today. It’s been 4 weeks since I broke up with X. It’s weird to think of myself as being single after all this time. Sure, it means that I have the licence to fantasise about other people, flirt with other people and even do more than just thinking about other people. But it doesn’t mean that I actually have the heart or the stomach for either of those vices. 

I keep thinking about what X and I had together. In the beginning, it had been beautiful and the purest love I had felt in years. Somehow, it turned to shit in a year and I still can’t even fathom how it happened. I feel like I’ve become the Edgar Allen Poe of dead love and romance. All that’s missing is me sporting a raven on my shoulder to match my mood these days. 

P and G keep saying that I’m a good person and that I deserve to be loved and treated well. But after X rejected me and treated me like less than garbage, I feel spiritless and devalued. It makes that expression ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ a little more poignant to me these days. You only feel beautiful and worthy when seen through the brilliant lens of someone else’s biased perception. I don’t want to feel like that anymore: that I’ll only be valuable and worthy when someone else looks at me. 

I want to be brave enough to look in the mirror and really see myself as I truly am: tiny proportional features like my nose and my eyes with disproportionately massive ‘African child-birthing’ hips, flabby arms, sagging breasts, a roll of fat along my stomach that I often hide with some carefully worn tights. Scars on my arms and legs from where I picked my scabs simply because I was too afraid to ever feel beautiful or worthy in my own skin. Dark, puffy patches under my eyelids where it seems like I’ll never get the rest that I want or deserve at night. The beauty spot on the right corner of my mouth which feels like the only truly unique and remarkable thing about my appearance. 

This is who I really am, flaws and all. There is a lot about me that is imperfect and ugly, but there are small, hidden rivulets of beauty and grace in-between. I need to find that beauty and that grace deep within myself, grasp it firmly by its proverbial cheeks and embrace it without the intention of ever letting go. Only I can find beauty in myself, in other things and in people. Only I have the capacity to love again with my whole heart without worrying about the next time it breaks. 

It’s late and my body and mind are worn out. I’m going to wear my face mask all night if I have to so I don’t end up sneezing my brains out for once. I hope I can find peace in my body and soul as the days keep bleeding into each other. 

The light at the end of this tunnel is taking its own sweet time to finally get here. 

[rumowrites]

Talents Chapter 7

It took some time but here is the next part of Talents! It’s also up on AO3 under Rumo(Triteia). 

Also Warnings: Mention of Death, Torture and major injuries

Tinker awoke to darkness. Everything around him was dulled and strangely slow. His eyes fluttered open to an unfamiliar room where he was covered in pristine white sheets. He tried to lift his head to look around but a bright pain in his shoulder kept him glued to the soft mattress. Immediately, someone grabbed his hand and ran soothing circles over his palm. Tink opened his mouth to say something though he was shushed by a familiar voice almost momentarily. “It’s okay, we are back home. You are with the healers, but they say it will get better soon.”

A concerned looking face framed with long white hair appeared in his view. The teal eyes seemed to assess him thoroughly before Runaan faintly nodded to himself. “Naan…” the smith started but was instantly interrupted again. “Do you remember what happened?”

The question sent him drowning in a flood of memories that suddenly appeared in his consciousness, dragging him down with them and back into the human dungeons and their horrible methods. With a sharp gasp, Tinker shot up into a sitting position only to curl in on himself straight away. He couldn’t suppress the hiss that escaped his lips at the throbbing ache which bloomed in the general area of his ribs. The Assassin gently, if firmly, pushed him back down and fixed the blankets in place. “So, I take it you do. I need you to tell me everything you know about the human stronghold and it’s defences.”

“Why?” Tinker hated how gravelly his voice sounded but was glad all the same that it didn’t fail him at all. “Your rescue was, let’s say, a difficult situation. I could convince the council to launch a rescue mission but only if there was a real chance to bring you back. Otherwise I was to leave you there.” He noticed how Runaan’s voice changed from concerned to somewhat pained. The little creases he’d come to know as worry lines appeared on the other’s forehead, disturbing the stern features.

“I take it the chances weren’t good then?” In truth he didn’t need to ask the look on the Assassin’s face already told him enough. “I did get you out, didn’t I?” a slight smirk appeared in the corner of his mouth but quickly vanished as Runaan straightened in his seat. Just now, Tink realized he wore the ceremonial armour that classified him as second in command of the Assassin’s squadron. An uncommon choice for a hospital visit. His musings were interrupted as the tall elf spoke once again, voice now matter-of-factly. “You could say the casualties were high enough that the council decided my rescue attempt wasn’t as safe a bet as I tried to make them believe. They want to debrief thoroughly today to determine whether I went against their orders. It would help me to build a case should you remember anything specific that could aid us in coming missions besides the obvious holes in defence I used to get in.”

“Did you get injured?” the thought suddenly crossed his mind as he continued to take in the other’s appearance. Tinker could see him moving a little stiffer than usual and several bandages peaked out under the layered cloth and armour. “Don’t lie to me.” He added before the Assassin could answer him. What followed was a long but very detailed list of injuries, sorted from worst to most shallow that he rattled down like a grocery list. The smith felt a sensation between worry and amusement at the unconcerned display. At his request the other even opened his tunic and showed him the neatly wrapped injuries on his upper body. Seemingly satisfied, Tink sank back into his pillow and thought about the question he’d asked. “I couldn’t really get a glimpse of the defence mechanisms, but I am sure I could draw you an accurate map of the parts of the castle they took me to. They dragged me around a lot because their lieutenant wanted to talk to me a few times.”

The statement got him a wide-eyed look from his counterpart. “How long would that take you? Approximately?”

He shrugged, abandoning the motion halfway through. “Maybe ten, twenty minutes? Depending on ho detailed you need it.” In a flurry of dark blue cloth and white hair, Runaan rushed to the door. “Let me just get parchment. Think about anything else you can remember while I’m gone.”

The Assassin returned shortly after with charcoals and s couple of large paper sheets. “I have an hour before I need to make my appearance at the council. Please try to remember as much as you can.”

Tink started to sketch out the lower level of the castle right away, working his way to the top and the towers sheet per sheet. The humans had brought him to almost every part of the stronghold since he was questioned by different people and they moved him around a lot presumably to make it harder for him to escape. At the same time, they had given him access to the majority of chambers and hallways. He was careful to only draw the parts he was sure that were there and added the things he assumed to be bordering the areas he’s been in with thinner doted lines. “How can you remember the layout so well?” Runaan had been quiet for the most part of the last twenty minutes, simply watching him with increasing interest. “I walked some of the way…” he then pointed at the hallways they used to get out. “…but I couldn’t for the life of me draw a whole layout of the place. Sure, I could find the way we went but the map you drew is just huge.”

Finishing off the last hallways, the smith returned the charcoals and pushed his hair back with his uninjured arm. The chuckle of his boyfriend told him he’d probably been leaving coal streaks on his face in the process. “I don’t know. I just need to see things once to remember them good enough to sketch them afterwards. Varou says it’s called an eidetic memory.”

“Well, it’s an exceptional skill and will probably safe my Job.” With that, the long-haired elf stood up from his seat on the edge of the cot and began to collect the various parchments strewn around them. Some of them also showed mechanical sketches of the human’s catapults and other weaponry where they had been stationed inside the fortress.

Just as he’d gathered everything, Tink could see Varou stepping through the door. The old elf looked exhausted but all the while happy to see him. “I will be back as soon as I can.” Runaan stated and exchanged a few whispered words with his mentor before walking out the door with long, purposeful strides.

“How are you feeling?” Varou took a seat where the Assassin had sat just moments ago and mustered him with the same assessing glance the other had used before. “I’m okay, I guess. The shoulder and my ribs hurt but Runaan said it will probably heal completely.”

“You know, that was not what I meant. Are you okay? Your boyfriend didn’t really talk about much. The nurse had to practically drag him from your bedside and pin him down afterwards to stitch him up. Otherwise I’m sure I could have scraped him from the floor due to the blood loss a couple hours later. Stubborn bastard you got there.” Somehow the statement sounded almost endearing. Tink was sure he liked Runaan even though the smith like to play protective of him.

“I’m not fine but I will get there in time. Sadly, my memory is excellent. How badly was he hurt? When I asked before I just got a list of injuries but that doesn’t really tell me anything besides the fact that half of his skin must have been peeled off by blades.”Varou chuckled a little, glad that his apprentice apparently managed to keep his humour despite the near-death experience.

“This may sound harsh but compared to him you looked peachy and you were the unconscious one. Though I must say the poker face he’s got going on is impressive. Half of the people probably didn’t realise he had more than a few scratches. Given the state of both your clothes it was really hard to tell whose blood it was though. I his case I would guess most of it was human. The dual swords were practically re-coloured. Can you tell me how that happened?” Tink had to shake his head. He’d only been present for a small part of the fighting. “Not really, no. He told me to climb down the castle wall so I didn’t really see anything. I used the time he needed to catch up to heal a few of my wounds.”

“That probably saved your life. The healers said you wouldn’t have made it far with the scars they found. Good thing your magic is that efficient.” He added some stories from the shop after that and Tink could feel him trying to change the subject. Glad of the diversion, he listened to the gossip and occasionally asked for more information.

After a while, their conversation came to halt once Varou finished his report of the new things he’d made in his absence. “I’m glad you made it back.” He took Tinkers hand in his calloused ones and looked him in the eye before continuing. “Both of you.”  

His throat tightened at that and he felt tears welling up in his eyes, blurring his vision. “So am I.”

“Do you think he will be okay?” Varou had to think of the devastated figure he’d witnessed in his workshop before Runaan ran off on this suicide mission and the change he went through while stepping through the door of his shop on the way out. From panicked, emotional wreck to composed general, although he did see the mask cracking ever so slightly as they bid their goodbyes. Then, when the Assassin returned with his apprentice that the old elf loved like a son, he’d looked like the raging fury still lurked beneath his skin and just waited to break through. His tone had been sharper, more commandeering than usual as Runaan had called for a healer, a hint of panic carrying in his voice. The main reason he had helped to clear path wasn’t his concern for their speedy arrival, the long-haired elf had been almost running, but the safety of his fellow elves shouldn’t they manage to free the way fast enough.

The Adrenaline down once they’d carried Tinker to the healers was concerning to say the least. He had to refrain himself from jumping up and out of his seat every time the other stumbled because he was afraid to startle Runaan, who then looked like a cornered animal.

“I’m not sure.”  

I hope you enjoyed it! More will come soon:) 

I’m very ecxited for Season 2 and hope that we finally learn Tinkers name so I can replace it in all my stories -_-

[tp2456]

MQR

CHAPTER 1: THE OUTBREAK

Everything was so fine in the beginning. I’ve done my daily routine of being an introvert, you know: waking up, greeting my dream gamer guy, watching Markiplier or PewdiPie, even streaming news while eating chips for breakfast. Yes, everything was smooth and peaceful. Until it happened…

“World Health Organization declares virus XYZ outbreak as pandemic. People are advised to take precautionary actions and stay indoors. Several countries have issued a travel ban policy, and have also began to initiate lockdowns”, the tiny reporter in my phone announced. I began to choke from the chips I ate, and literally went crawling to grab the bottle of cola that was on top of my desk. I chugged it all down to stop choking. Relieved, I went back to my phone and continued watching.

“The president declares state of emergency, as cases of virus XYZ spreads all over Metro Manila. Researchers stated that the crisis is estimated to last for about six months, or may even go beyond until a vaccine is developed. Again, we are encouraging everyone to stay indoors and supply yourselves with resources to last”, the reporter ushered. I press pause on my phone, and went to the kitchen. I looked around the shelves including my fridge to see if I have enough supplies to last. I realize I ran out of chips and cola, so I panicked and went out to the grocery store to buy. I went out of my usual stuff just to acquire those items.

I really hate going out to crowded places. That’s why I always go to places with less people with a peaceful ambience. Like the grocery store which is eight blocks south away from my apartment. Naturally, any person would go to big shops or malls which is in my current area, there is a huge mall just three blocks east from my apartment. However, due to my current situation and behavior, I still prefer going to the furthest. Oh, the shop is actually small and you could say it’s kind of like deserted due to that big mall. I am still happy though, I get lots of great stuff and good quality of products in this store. Last time, they had a sale of a high grade meat for only hundred pesos per kilogram.

Anyway, I bought a lot of chips, three packs of cola which is like a crate, and also bought alcohol and some other hygiene essentials. I could say I was really at ease; although, I ended up thinking that there was something missing. I know that I am quite the introvert of a person, and I am very OC when it comes to my own apartment (‘Except my room, which is okay’) aside from that, I was pretty certain that I have everything I needed. While I was roaming around the aisle, I heard the news being played at one of the shop’s monitor.

“Department of Health has issued proper handling to be safe during the outbreak. They have advised to be vigilant and always wear protection when going outside. Be sure to wear mask, or even put on gloves to avoid contracting the disease and to also avoid contaminated surfaces”, the reporter stated. It really hit me when the guy mentioned mask and gloves. I ran back to the essentials aisle, but I was too late. It seems that the surgical masks were already sold out. Just when I was about to give up, I heard the store manager announced that the mask will be available on the counter.

I guess lady luck was not in the mood today, the line was like three meters when I arrived. With nothing to do, I waited. What’s really annoying about me waiting in line is that there was a tall guy before me. He wore a cap and a face mask; he was dressed as if he was going for a boot camp along with his combat boots. I wanted to see what was happening, to know if there are many left.

Again, I’ll say this. Lady luck is really not on my side today. Just when it was about my turn, the sales rep announced that all mask were sold out. In my defense, I was kind of frustrated to hear that statement. Was she really sure that the entire mask were sold out, did she check their inventory? Off course, I can’t complain about that. I am not good with people; it’s not even a surprise that I am still single. In that moment, I let out my disappointed look and sigh! I paid all the stuff I bought, and slowly walked out of the counter (‘I guess I should just do a DIY mask?’). Well, doing DIY could also be useful, with a fifty percent chance of usefulness rate.

Suddenly, all of my luck started to rotate by an angle. The tall guy I mentioned earlier came up on me and took my right hand. He placed two surgical masks, and walked away. I was really surprise of what he did. I mean, he didn’t even say a word and just left. I thought about it for a moment, and then I snapped out of it. After that, I went back to my apartment to continue my prosperous life.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

3 Makeup Enthusiasts on Why They Wear a Full Face

https://fashion-trendin.com/3-makeup-enthusiasts-on-why-they-wear-a-full-face/

3 Makeup Enthusiasts on Why They Wear a Full Face

A good portion of my mornings are spent trying to figure out a weather-appropriate and commuter-friendly outfit that communicates whatever nuanced (or not) version of my personality I want to project. I can leave the house in “jeans and a T-shirt” and be fine, but I feel at my best and most ready to charge forward into the exciting or terrifying unknown when I’m head-to-toe dressed. I’m sure we all have our version of this. Maybe for you, it’s washing your hair or brewing a pot of coffee.

For many women, it’s putting on makeup.

With Duality Month in mind, I spoke to three women who wear a full face of makeup every single day: liner, eyelashes, shadow — the works. In the same way a fully considered outfit makes me feel put together and confident, makeup, to these women, is like a coat of armor. We spoke about this coat of armor (two of them said makeup made them feel like a superhero): what it’s like to put it on and what it’s like to take it off. Below, they explain how wearing makeup makes them feel while revealing who they are as two different versions of themselves.

Zena Hanna, 31

When did you get into makeup?

I was in my early twenties. In high school and college, I didn’t really think about it. My mom wasn’t a full-face-of-makeup type of woman. She had perfect skin and for her it was all about the skincare — still is. My sister never wore any makeup either, so for me, a natural face was the only thing I knew.

Honestly, I started wearing full coverage foundation because I had a lot of facial hair and it made me super insecure. I’m Middle Eastern, so it was just something that ran in my genes! I felt like my facial hair was so bad that I’d wear turtlenecks and just cake on makeup because I was embarrassed by it. I’ve since done laser and my confidence has definitely gotten a boost.

What’s your relationship like with makeup today?

I love it. I love the femininity that surrounds it; I love the connection to other women when we talk about makeup or beauty tips. Also, makeup just makes me feel put-together.

I was talking to a friend of mine who’s a tattoo artist. She’s always decked out in the coolest jewelry, rings on rings, a septum piercing — and no makeup. (She looks beautiful. We all do. There’s no such thing as an ugly woman.) She thinks it’s funny that I don’t do my nails, don’t wear jewelry, none of those things — but that I do wear makeup, and feel weird without it. I was like, “Yeah, but what if you left the house without your jewelry on?” And she was like, “Yeah, I would feel weird.” That’s part of her identity and look. Whether it’s makeup or jewelry or clothes or shoes, it’s just another form of self-expression.

Tell me about your daily makeup routine.

I put on SPF tinted under-eye cream, then NARS foundation. I try to just use one drop because I don’t want to have a caked-on look. It’s full-coverage and it does a pretty good job. Then I blend it all together.

A friend of mine who works at L’Oréal gifted me the eyeshadow palette I used today, but I never normally wear eyeshadow; I just put bronzer on my eyelids. Then I put on my eyeliner that I’ve been using for I don’t even know how many years. It’s NYX. I never wear mascara because I hate taking it off. Then I do bronzer — right under my cheekbones and blend it in. Just one streak of the bronzer shade from Kat Von D’s contouring kit. (I couldn’t be bothered with the full-contour thing for very long.) After bronzer, a touch of blush, and then highlighter. I just got the Rihanna Fenty highlighter. It’s amazing. Then I mix it all together.

I always put on red lipstick for events, but then I would eat and it would come off and I’d be too lazy to put it back on. But then I went to the Glossier store and I got Generation Z in Zip. It literally feels like Chapstick, stays on and it’s super bright. My whole routine takes me five to seven minutes, and I try to keep it as low-maintenance as I can.

When do you go totally bare-faced?

At the beach. And even then, if there’s a tinted something, I’ll put it on because I want an even skin tone. If it’s the weekend and I’m just going somewhere local, I’ll leave it. When I travel I don’t wear as much makeup. Especially if it’s somewhere hot.

Makeup on or off, you’re still you. What would you say to someone who argues otherwise?

I think we have the freedom to do whatever the hell we want. You’re not wearing a mask [when you put on makeup]; you’re still very much visible to the entire world. If you feel like you want to hide, then you can address that in your own way with makeup too. But if makeup is someone’s [form of] self-expression, then let them do that. They’re not harming anybody.

Wearing red lipstick makes me feel really feminine. I feel sexy, and I don’t otherwise feel sexy all the time. If you don’t want to wear it, that’s great. You don’t have to. It’s amazing and commendable that you feel completely comfortable as you are in your own skin. That’s awesome and that’s something that we can all aspire to, but we also don’t have to.

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Follow Zena on Instagram @itszenahanna

Ty Lazauskas, 25

When did you get into makeup?

I grew up listening to David Bowie, and then the mid-2000s, the mall-emo thing happened. I got into this type of makeup when I bought my first My Chemical Romance album. Back in 2005, dramatic eyeliner was a big deal, and I saw people of all genders rocking makeup on MTV. It destigmatized the idea of makeup for me, and I HAD to have weird makeup like the glam bands and MySpace scene queens). I distinctly remember when I told my mom I couldn’t go to the eighth grade dance because I couldn’t find red eyeliner anywhere. I did crazy dramatic stuff and got sent to the principal’s office all the time. I was just like, “I’m going to wear bigger and bigger makeup until they don’t let me into class.”

What’s your relationship with makeup today?

I suffer from chronic illness, so waking up in the morning and seeing how tired I look bums me out. But when I put on makeup, I feel like I’m putting on dramatic face paint to deal with my day. I don’t really have a lot of control over how my body looks because chronic pain took that away from me, but I do have control over how much I put on my face or how I do my hair. Makeup makes me feel invincible, and like I can be out in the world and people will see as I want to be seen. It just makes me feel like a superhero, I guess. It helps me cover up how tired and painful my life is.

One of my best friends recently told me that skincare and makeup is witchy, and it’s so true. It sounds dramatic, but sometimes in the morning I’ll light a candle while I’m doing makeup and it feels ritualistic, in a way. I’m looking at my own face for 30 minutes and watching it transform from tired to fabulous and I really enjoy the process. Sometimes, when I’m really tired, I don’t, but I would say that 90% of the time I really enjoy the time it takes [to do my makeup]. I know there are shortcuts, but I don’t want to take them.

Tell me about your daily makeup routine.

I wake up at 5 a.m. every day and it takes me 20 to 30 minutes to do my makeup. Sometimes I’ll see something new on Instagram and I’ll try it. I got really into the last season of America’s Next Top Model and there was a girl who had fishtail eyebrows and I was doing that for a while so that would add five or ten minutes.

I usually start with foundation, then I do a contour every day. This is my everyday makeup. Then I put on two to three different types of eyeliner. Then I bake, which is when you press loose powder under your eye in a triangle. It helps keep your under-eye makeup in place and stops any eyeshadow that may fall from rubbing in. Then I do brows last, while I’m waiting for my mascara to dry. I don’t do lipstick every day just because I drink a lot of coffee. My coworkers will look in the dishwasher and be like “Okay, Ty, we know you’ve had four cups of coffee today because there are four cups with purple lipstick on them.” So I’ve cooled it with the lipstick. It’s 20 to 30 minutes start to finish.

I used to work in a doctor’s offices, and they would make passing comments about unprofessional makeup — but then I just got a new job. In my office now… nobody really cares. They’re all really sweet artistic people so they don’t really care what I wear or what I do, so I’m really lucky in that regard. My makeup is only a pain at work when we’re shooting on a rooftop in the summer and by the end of the day it’s a little melty.

When do you not wear makeup?

I think more people in my life have seen me naked than barefaced. Like, I think there are people who I consider to be best friends of mine who’ve seen me without makeup twice. But if they do, it’s usually at my place and we’re doing face masks or something. It just rarely happens. Even if I’m going to get groceries, I am done up. One of my best friends who’s a tattoo artist, she painted this quote for me and stuck it on a wall at her tattoo shop that says, “If you’re going to run into your ex, be wearing black lipstick.”

I’ve taken one picture of myself without makeup on, ever. So for this shoot, it was weird to be around people I’m just meeting and take everything off. Because of my illness, without makeup on, I’m more likely to hear people say that I look sick or tired, so when I am not wearing a full face of makeup, I feel more vulnerable. I won’t leave the house until I have makeup on. I would honestly rather go to the grocery store in my underwear than go to the grocery store without makeup on.

It’s kind of like David Bowie. He was never on stage without a getup. I just won’t leave the house until I have makeup on. I would honestly rather go to the grocery store in my underwear than go to the grocery store without makeup on.

Makeup on or off, you’re still you. What would you say to someone who argues otherwise?

Makeup makes me a different person in the same way that wearing business clothes might make someone a different person than they are at home in pajamas. People are more confident when they wear their favorite outfit or nice underwear.

It’s like the saying, “Confidence comes from within”: If I don’t personally think I look my best, I’m less likely put myself out there. I’m less likely to talk to strangers or engage with people when I don’t have makeup on. And I don’t think that means I’m two-faced. I think everyone has things like that. Confidence ebbs and flows throughout the day. For me, makeup is a booster. Something my therapist says all the time is, “We have no control over the things we feel, but we can control how we react to them.” And I feel that makeup helps me react to things better. It helps me be more deliberate. It effects how I engage in conversations with people and who I choose to talk to.

What’s it like when you take your makeup off? What’s the literal process like, and what’s it like emotionally?

When I’m lazy, I’ll just use a face cleanser and I’ll still have half my eyeliner on and just say fuck it. But I try to have a pretty exhaustive skincare routine because as I said before, skincare is witchy and I’m really into it. I try to do the two-step method where I do an oil cleanser and then a foaming cleanser because it’s the best way to get rid of makeup. And then when I’m feeling it, I like to do a face mask afterwards. Sometimes I do three face masks. And then after it all comes off and I put moisturizer on, I feel like a fresh new person. The feeling of wearing makeup is second only to how it feels to put on a shit ton of moisturizer and go to bed. I just feel like, “I’ll be so beautiful in the morning!” It’s just the promise of a beautiful tomorrow — I feel like rarely that’s the case, but it feels that way.

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Follow Ty on Instagram @sp_aceghost

LaShell Kao, 35

When did you get into makeup?

High school is when I started to wear makeup, but I started wearing a full face within the last couple of years.

What’s your relationship like with makeup now?

I don’t want to say it gives me confidence, because that sounds like I don’t have confidence without makeup, and I don’t think that’s the case. But it just prepares me for what’s happening. It gets me ready. Did you ever see Breakfast at Tiffany’s? When Audrey Hepburn’s character says, “A girl doesn’t read this sort of thing without her lipstick” at the end in the cab — I feel that way. If I’m about to meet someone and I’m terrified, I check my lipstick and just make sure everything’s in place.

I think I’m the same person with or without makeup on. Who am I with my makeup on? I want to say a superhero but I feel like that sounds kind of cheesy. That is kind of how I feel. That’s the first thing that comes to my mind.

Tell me about your daily makeup routine.

I wash my face, then put on sunblock, primer, and foundation. I wear Makeup Forever because it matches my skin tone. And then I contour. Then I use an eyeshadow palette to do the look I want depending on how I feel and what I’m doing. Sometimes on weekends, if I don’t have anything to do, I’ll test out new looks. The false eyelashes are recent. I saw people complete their looks with eyelashes on YouTube and thought it looked amazing. The first few times I felt ridiculous, and then it took so long to do and it was a pain in the butt, but now, I pop them on quickly and I feel kind of weird without them. Now that it’s getting really hot though, I may have to stop.

I know a lot of people who don’t like the process of putting makeup on. I really, really do. I sit down, I have everything laid out. It’s very ritualistic. And I won’t leave the house without having done my makeup done. I’ll go to the store or something like that [without it on], but if I’m going anywhere else, I will not leave the house without it.

I wake up at 4:50 a.m., but that’s just so I don’t have to rush. I have to be at work by 8. I can do my makeup in about 40 minutes. I once saw a girl on the train do her entire face of makeup and I thought it was amazing. For me though, it’s very private. I don’t even like putting lipstick on in front of people. It’s a private thing to me.

What’s it like when you take your makeup off? What’s the literal process like, and what’s it like emotionally? So when do you not wear makeup?

Honestly, as soon as I get home, I take it off. I just take a shower and wash it all away. In my house, I’m barefaced all the time. I kind of feel like: Okay, we’re done with this day and it all goes down the drain. I wash my hair and everything and I just let it go. I’m happy to take it off at the end of the day. Not that it’s a burden, but at the end of the day, I’m happy that it’s done.

Makeup on or off, it’s still you, but what would you say to someone who says otherwise?

I do have a fear that someone will say, “You wear makeup because you have low self-esteem,” or something like that. But that’s not the case. It’s just fun. That’s it. It’s like art. We wear clothes to make us feel better. Our faces are kind of the same.

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Follow LaShell on Instagram @dottie_hills

Photographed by Grace Rivera.