#i wish i could quit my job now but no
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someone tell me it’ll be ok !!!
#i am down to my core TERRIFIED of moving out#I’ve had such a safety net living at home these past few years#but now I’ll be properly moving out with no support around me#idk man#like for undergrad not only did some of my hs friends go to the same school but my brother also went there and it was a few hours away from-#-from home. so even tho i technically ‘moved out’ then i didn’t really#and now odds are I’ll be moving to the east coast in august??? with NO local friends. and also no social skills whatsoever so making friends#will be another issue to deal with#i feel so sick#i wish i could quit my job now but no#no one is letting me leave and plus now i have to go to india next month which is a whole other problem#idk man every few hours i get hit by a wave of panic and i just know it’s going to get worse and worse as the weeks go by#ramblings
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also while we're here i would like to share the two iterations of tumblr user gorespawn that have existed since i abandoned this blog back in like early 2021. Who wants me
#i grew my hair out so i could twirl my hair while giggling about bald men#and also t.o.p of bigbang#and short men i see at the grocery store who honestly make me feel light-headed with raw and unbridled Want#but that's just a joke. i am. Lesbian#''no ur not'' I AM#anyway i used to be so ripped and hunky but now i am frail and sickly#what getting a job can do to a mf#thankfully i quit my job last week YIPPIIIEEEEEEE so now i will work towards becoming an absolute hunk again#wish me luck#ALSO#if anyone is obsessed with me and remembers all my lore i used to be transgender and i still am like lowkey on the down low#but in a new exciting way#anyway i used to be a gay man and then a stone butch dyke (as seen above) but now im practicing being a girl#it is very difficult but it is also fun. ive never been a girl before so it's a lot#anyway i bought two super cool sexy dresses yesterday for the first time ever in my life#sexy dresses meaning up to my neck and down to my feet and past my elbows. kind of like a wardrobe straight out of the handmaid's tale#from (to quote my friend) ''*The* old lady store'' thanks man. well i think theyre pretty and its v exciting bc ive never been a girl befor#anyway#who wants me#i still use the name emil online btw and i honestly always will i think it's just so me and also i do still answer to he/him dw#in a man way not in a he/him lesbian way#''he's LGBTQA+'' what. all at once?#yes.#i have mastered them all i have collected all the genders and all the sexualities and ive never been ''wrong''#it just keeps switching. which is fine. well im a girl now. in a detransitioning man way. who is insanely attracted to men#but you will have to tear this lesbian label out of my cold dead hands#''you can't call urself lesbian if u have sex w men'' well first of all fuck you and second of all i am celibate so you dont need to worry#''what the hell are you talking about'' nothing. now look how hot i am#im just joking around i hope that's fine w y'all
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The p3r dlc really has me walking around Tartarus with the Junes theme playing in the background. What a time to be alive.
#“Gio did you seriously spend 200 dollars on the aigis deluxe addition and then pay 35 dollars for a dlc are you fr??’’#“Gio they are practically stealing ur money away from you at this point what on earth are you doing’’#IDK 😭😭😭#nahhh I’m actually kind of broke now I’m getting worried abt my money supply ☺️ especially considering I’m still jobless ☺️#I might be getting a job at a dishwasher soon tho 😯#urgh I can’t believe people actually have to work….society….#tbh I’ll probably end up backing out last second as always bc I don’t want to wash dishes :(#why would I wash dishes when I could be writing or drawing :(#urgh#agghhhh#persona#persona 3#persona 3 reload#p3#If I actually do end up getting the job (doubt) I genuinely bet I’ll last a week before either quitting or getting fired#like fr 😭 I’m cooked#I have the worst work ethic ever it’s actually crazy#HELPPP WHY AM I RAMBLING ABT MY JOB TROUBLES UNDER A PERSONA POSTTTT#LMAOO#I lovveeee oversharing on the internet 💕🫶 🎉#anyways every days great at your Junes and whatnot#wish I could work at Junes smh#the junes theme song would make it bearable#BEARable haha get it haha bc teddie is a bear and teddies the mascot haha#persona 4#p4#persona 4 golden
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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WAAA WEIRD VENTING IN THE TAGS RAAAUGHGAH WATCH OUT
#vent post#negative#i am coming to despise having a body at all which is not a pleasant feeling i gotta be honest#think i may need to go into urgent care. AGAIN. to pick up antibiotics. AGAIN#and thinking about it is making me feel actually disgusting#i kinda dont know how to deal with this. ive never hated my body this much#theres too many problems. and the source of the problems is my body#so i really wish i could just crawl out of my skin and stop being physical#i need to get out. so bad#i hate the constant management of a machine that should just be replaced at this point#i hate begging for a moment of peace only for all the problems to blow up all at once again#i hate not knowing how to fix it#i haaate that i keep having to go in. for the same reoccuring problems. and do the process over again#where we try something small. it works and then it doesnt. we try something bigger.#repeatedly until finally the problem ends. for a moment.#i hate that its not bad enough to justify anything either#its like. im ALMOST healthy. but NEVER quite there.#and its fucking taunting me with that#also even when im not in some kinda pain or discomfort i am fucking constantly aware#of my own heartbeat now thanks to the last 6 months of my doctors bringing it up#and it is so fucking awful being aware of it holy shit i dont want to know its doing that#i really dont want to keep meeting up with all my various doctors so often#theyre making me feel so. bad. and scared. and gross.#just by doing their jobs#but its not like i can stop going to the doctors. the problems clearly dont want to stop on their own#but i dont think they know how to make it stop either at this point#so im just here with a shitty body trying to do unhelpful maintenance forever n ever
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ooohhh yeeeee the isolation i s HITTING today it's hitting so so fucking good
#god i love living in the shining irl#idk why but for 4 years ive been like 'social media will help with this'#like i get online and ykno.. it's fun it's really nice ! i love the lil communities im a part of#i love expressing myself creatively and seeing other people's work and obsessing over lil shows and stories#i know its not that serious#i know i need to get the fuck out of this house and off the internet but it's so fucking hard#bcos no one masks anymore first of all#and 2nd i just .. idk !! i really like the vibes here ! i wish i could just chill and feel.. a 'part'#but ultimately i might need to go back to 1 hour of social media TOPS per day#cos im in painnnnn im in physical pain c: torment type shit#i think quitting my job might help a little??#but anyway fuck covid#fuck this violent white supremacist ass country#pivoting hard from the tone of this post but if anyone wants to kiki on discord or follow each other on insta just hml xD#i swear im .. more fun.. than this post probably portrays lol#lmaooo .. ugh.. oof... ok yea gonna go clean my house now
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hi guys i'm still alive btw work's just been kicking my butt cause i've been working over time for over 2 weeks now pls don't forget about me i just don't have the time nor energy for art rn :((
#fr guys never work in tourism unless u like it#i accepted the job cause i was desperate#i miss art so much but when i have free time to draw i'm constantly tired#or when i want to draw i can't cause i'm at work#also i work at a private company and they obvsly don't know what work life balance means#my boss's business partner calls me even on the weekends to ask me stupid questions like#leave me alone!!#sorry for the rant guys :(#i never missed being a part of art community and drawing so much like i do now#wish i could just quit my job and do art but i gotta earn money somehow ;__;#meg rambles
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For the first time since before Thanksgiving last year I just. Do not want to exist. I don't know if it's a coincidence that I went off the antidepressant I was taking for migraines, if it's just because I never sleep and have hit a record state of misery or what but boy I haven't missed this.
What I'd give to just. Hibernate for a few months
#ashlie.txt#i have felt this coming and kept hoping it was a fleeting thing but no#i simply do not wish to be#and especially do not wish to work#or do ANYTHING really#just sleep#and i guess cry lol#god i wish i could quit my fucking job and never deal with this or waking up at 7:45 ever again#who cares about insomnia if i don't HAVE to be up in 5 hours anyway?#and now i gotta wait like 4 weeks to see if Wellbutrin kicks in and does anything#fucking amazing#wonderful time
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work cut my hours so i'm not getting enough extra money.....
meaning i still cannot order any of the three missing garvey comics from my collection.....
#✘჻ ooc.#( i hate my job. 5+ years and they cut me off to save their own asses cause the place is fucked due to higher ups being STUPID with money )#( i only work...3hrs a night now. )#( 'just quit'. i KNOW. and i wish i COULD... )#( but i'm disabled and theres a whole process. i can't get jobs as easy )#( i swear i'm slowly on my way out )#( anyway. sigh. no garvey comics AGAIN )#( i was gonna get em for my birthday )#( but grandma passed and i needed the money for the trip to ontario )#( scraping the bottom of the barrel each month for rent currently :/ )
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I feel like I want to go home but I don’t have one of those. I want to be near my best friend. I’m frightened by rampant and violent transphobia in our culture. I’m somewhere safe and secure but I feel vulnerable. I want to hide. I want to be left alone. I want to be near others. Everyone is so distracted and overwhelmed by life. I feel invisible. I want to be held.
#this is goggles#that’s the crux that never quite goes away#I want to be held so very much it’s like the thread my sanity hangs onto#I miss my habibi#but I also feel like I’m starting to get overwhelmingly needy#I feel like I need to be more aloof as not to be demanding and bothersome#I get more obsessed with partners way more than they do me and it’s just like a recurring thing I know I have to dial back to be paletable#it would feel nice to receive the kind of obsession I dish out#I don’t quite understand why I’m so different I kinda hate it about myself quite a lot#I just want to be held everything melts away into quiet peace when I’m held but just laying around snuggling for hours is massively boring#my body hurts so much less it’s like signifigant I don’t understand why it’s so signifigant#my right shoulder and my lower ribs and my neck especially#I wish my body wasn’t like this it continues to feel like a character flaw that I need to overcome#I want to find a doctor I can trust again but I’m more than a little bit overwhelmed by the prospect and mistrustful and vulnerable#Find some kind of magical way that I can make my body quit hurting#mend where I broke my ribs a couple years ago and find the source of the mystery organ pain and whatever happened to my shoulder#I wish I were building a house right now with funky 70s interior design#I wish I could afford to build a house#I wish I could force myself to just shut up and work some shitass job doing nothing of use like trading stocks and make bank and build#I feel antsy like I want to run again but I don’t actually I am perfectly content vibing right here#I can’t just keep running espesh with the fucky paperwork on my van#I am so tired of driving it’s so stressful#the road trip out here was notably brutal on me in a way no other road trip has been before#I miss my best friend I’m trying so hard to be patient for their arrival here#but some gnawing anxiety in my brain worries that they’ll put it off indefinitely and eventually back out#my own insecurity screaming that I’m not worth the massive life altering changes that moving out here with me would bring#my insecurity screaming that I’m not good enough#screaming that I’m too difficult and needy and strange and clingy and demanding and ill put together and chaotic and messy#I feel like I’m barely keeping it together I feel like I’m always teetering on the edge of total and complete life shattering failure#Like everyone around me only barely tolerates my presence and will throw me away and chase me off on a whim
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#I’m just gonna use this blog as a diary because. y’know. I already do. anyway#I don’t know what’s gotten into me recently but I just feel like. like I’m supposed to be ‘further along’ in my life than I am now?#and like. I know it’s bullshit because. the milestones I was told I would hit as I grew older have definitely not been predictable#they tell you you’ll get a job and a car and a significant other and you’ll get married and buy a house and have kids and grow old and die#and it’s like. that’s all we’re given to measure our lives by; these big milestones.. people are supposed to feel accomplished when they hit#but those things are just titles to chapters like. nobody tells us that there’s all this other plot happening between those pages#and so yeah I mean. it feels like I’m not on the right chapter and I really want to skip ahead but like#the truth is. I’m not even to the climax yet. I’m still in the lore-dump stage of ny story#and that’s been so hard for me to accept recently. I’m yearning to be in the chapter where I fall in love and get married#but that’s just it like. that chapter comes earlier in other people’s stories than it seems to be in mine#although I’ve fallen in love many times. I’m not at the ‘get married’ chapter. because it’s not the right part of the story yet#and sometimes I wish I could just find the author of my story and tell them HEY GET ON WITH IT ALREADY because things seem to be moving so#so slowly. and yet they’re moving so fast I simultaneously feel like I’m running out of time#like. why do some people deserve to have co-stars in their stories from almost the very beginning who stick by those protagonists and grow#together? What did I do in my last story to deserve such a lonely one this time around?#Why am I so unlucky that I have good close friends that stick by me and all I know how to do is hold them at arms length because I don’t#think our relationships are quite as deep as I feel that I need out of a relationship?#why is my story about desparately trying to find a place where I feel comfortable enough to belong and share myself with others#and hey. why am I not at that part of my story either?#and maybe it’s that I don’t do enough. as a protagonist my toxic trait is that I’m pathologically suspicious of others#if someone shows interest in me I’m suspicious of why. what are they trying to get from me. because in the past people have taken from me#without giving much back. and if someone wants to date me I’m immediately suspicious of their intentions.#because I’ve realised that there’s much more to being in a relationship than ‘you’re hot let’s fuck’. and I know that’s not what I want#I want to be at the part of my story where I can share myself with someone without worrying that they’re going to take more than I can give.#I want to be at the part of my story where I can trust someone with myself when I’m fragile and they can trust me with themselves as well#I want to be at the part of my story where my life slots together well with someone else’s; so well it just feels normal and right.#I want to be at the part of my story where…I know I could live without this person because we can both take care of ourselves but.#it’s just preferable to spend time and solve problems and exist *together*#and you’ll have to forgive me for saying so but I’ll need physical affection from that person whoever they may be#I feel like certain things are falling into place. I like where I am. now I want to set down roots. and I can’t. I’m not at that page yet.
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I’m having such a fun lil thought spiral today. Today has been going so well and I’m totally okay and fine and normal about it :,)
#I’m not aching I’m not aching everything is fine#I was so ready to take on this week and my mom has me changing plans and now I have to#take even more time off of work when I have so much to do. I have so fucking much to do and I wanna kms about it#I wish I could just quit my job but I can’t afford to without having a backup#I can barely afford to live as-is bc my household relies on me so heavily#I solely find groceries and weed and basically anything we need that isn’t a $20 purchase and I’m so tired.#and even when I ask for help supporting things it’s usually sorry I’m broke I don’t have money#my roommate has more fucking K-pop books than I have dollars in my bank account but she can’t help give me money for gas or groceries#I’m so tired I’m so sick Rickey I’m shattered and I want to cut someone but I know I shouldn’t#I just want to light a building on fire#bc simultaneously we are collectively ignoring a genocide and I’m so fuckin stuck like how am I supposed to keep living when all of this i#happening like why am I at work when bitches don’t even have clean water I should be terrorizing my local polaticians and s#doing literally anything else I’m so fucked it’s fucked fucks fucked#but ya know…. staff meeting at 2pm !!!!!!#personal
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I hope everyone who reads this is having a better day than I am 🙏
#Away on a work thing for a couple of days and while my work situation has started to improve it's still not great in many aspects#Things can't just become amazing in no time I understand that#The main difference now from a month ago is that I now have someone who has my back#And who is systematically working to relieve me of a lot of burdensome work#And she is great. She is amazing. She really DOES have my back and I feel hopeful for the future. She cares.#But I still have coworkers (especially one of them) who are treating me so unfairly#I had to go to my hotel room and cry over the phone with my partner earlier today#Because I've worked my fucking ass off for such a long time to do good things and help my coworkers#And try to get us out of impossible situations as best as I can#And this is in no way meant to be a brag I just want to be extremely clear here about what's going on:#Without me they would be out of a job. Because I've been tearing myself into a million tiny pieces to hold the company together.#And what I get in return is literally... Complaints. And negativity. And annoyed comments about how they wish things could be better.#And the things they DO SEE that are GOOD they do not attribute to me at all#They have barely even thanked me for anything I have done#And I am supposed to fucking sit there. And smile. And be pleasant. And be social with them and have a haha good fun time with them.#But I am just so sick and tired of working my ass off for people who don't even care.#I don't even think anyone realises it but I am *this close* to just saying fuck it and quitting.#The only thing that's keeping me from doing that right now is the fact that this person who is slowly making things better for me DOES CARE#She is slowly realizing just how much of the company I'm carrying on my back and how close I am to collapsing under the ungrateful weight#And she has made it very clear to me that she will help me. That she sees me and supports me and that she will get things off my back.#And I really truly believe her#But if for some reason she would disappear... I don't think I can stay here anymore#So this is really the last chance I'm giving it#Anyway it will all turn out okay. I'm sure it will.#I'm just so disappointed and angry and sad right now#I've just suffered through a long dinner with them all and now I have escaped to my hotel room#I am going to comfort-binge Netflix for the rest of the night and try to be kind to myself.#Sorry for the long-ass vent#I'm impressed if you got this far#Tw vent
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always enjoy having a monday and a tuesday off... but i hate going back to work on a wednesday knowing i'm working every day till sunday... and i'm gonna vent in the tags so... i'm sorry.
#especially now#like#my mental health is NOT good at the moment#i literally cannot cope in this place anymor#i'm mentally drained and i'm seriously considering about quitting#and if i wasn't in need of this job then i'd have gone weeks ago#the only things keeping me there are my boyfriend and my boyfriend's mum#and one of my work besties#apart from that#i'm done with the entire place#hospitality sucks and no one actually tells you how draining it actually is#people can be cunts#and customers are never always right but you can't say anything different because you have to have a positive front#there are so many times i wish i could tell a customer to shut the fuck up because they're rude#so many fucking times#two days is not enough time to chill#i need about two weeks#it sucks ass#i hate it so bad#the people who work the hardest get treated like shit and the people who slack and do nothing get the best treatment possible#explain to me how the fuck that is fair???
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#some days are so hard like I am very not okay a lot of the time these days but rn I’m actually okayish so I can’t put it into words#but like basically I’ve been have trouble sleeping recently and it’s only gotten worse…to the point where I’ve been waking up every single#night and it’s so hard to get my brain to be sleepy again and go back to sleep#and it’s ruining my life like being exhausted makes life sososo hard I’m miserable and everyone around me is laughing and lighthearted and#I just wallow in my own misery…like when I’m okay I’m okay but when I’m not I question everything#I should really just quit my job and focus on dealing with this chronic insomnia I have now but I’ve been trying different things and#nothing has stuck..part of me probably isn’t trying hard enough but how can I with a full time#job and the need to feed myself and chores and getting my mind of everything and trying to workout more like??#that’s why I need to quit but I am hesistant to move home like I don’t have to but still then I wouldn’t need to pay for rent yknow but I#I also kind of don’t want to move home bc it’s quite nice not to and for covid reasons bc I’m like the only one I know that still cares#about covid lmaooo but like there are definitely pros too like I’m glad I still have the option tbh#but I wish I could just sleep and didn’t have to fight my own brain every single night why can’t I just be normal like I know no one is#normal but also why does everyone else do such a good job hiding it while I just feel like I’m just bringing the mood down by struggling so#much..like also my dept so small rn and I actually do lie my coworkers they really already take a lot of weight comparatively and are#reliable that I feel bad idkkkk why can’t I just sleep like seriously. wtaf is wrong with me#random thoughts don’t mind me#I’m so fucking tired
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I love having to take off 2 months of work instead of 1 bc I was a fucking moron I love it so much I'm thriving so well I'm doing so well I don't want to die at all why do you ask :)
#I wish I didn't quit my last job bc I could at least ask if they could fit me on the schedule#but I had a job where my boyfriend works lined up#but they're ghosting me about it now so :)#and I can't exactly expect anywhere else to hire me when I have a week off coming up and then an entire month off for surgery#god. I'm genuinely gonna start crying it's fine I hate money whatever
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