#i witnessed my 21 yo brother cry yesterday for the first time in my life and it fucked me up so bad

[urbanfiltered]

being a 25yo single mother is so hard 😔

[acatnamedpusheen]

꿈 속에 있는 신기루 {Mirage in a dream}

Summary: “What do you mean, why can’t you?” She, too, turned to face him, her eyes bearing a feeling of pain. It was harder than she had imagined, reality hadn’t settled yet. “Don’t you remember, I don’t exist in the real world anymore, Mingi?”

Words: ~ 1500 (I went wild lol)

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, death in general

“So, tell me about your day”

It was 8 p.m and the sun was setting behind the buildings spreading its orange light across the highest spots of the city, signaling that yet another day was coming to an end.

“The usual, we’re currently getting ready for our debut in a few months. Can you believe that it’s actually happening??”

One of those high spots is Seoullo Terrace, a 1km long walkway-park, 17m above ground, located right in the heart of Seoul.

“I’m so proud of you, honestly, I would have really wanted to see you guys as rookies!”

They were walking side by side among the hundreds of flowers and bushes that made you think you were in a garden far away from this world. He stopped and turned around to look at her, puzzled.

“What do you mean, why can’t you?”

She, too, turned to face him, her eyes bearing a feeling of pain. It was harder than she had imagined, reality hadn’t settled yet.

“Don’t you remember, I don’t exist in the real world anymore, Mingi?”

The purple light that was now illuminating the walkway underneath the starry sky, transformed the scenery into one from some other dimension. The couple stood still for a moment. She let him realise the situation before she had to explain.

“Heeyoung, how… yo-you’re dead!”

She blinked instead of saying ‘yes’, while he hesitantly caressed her cheek. His hand was shaking, fearing that he was about to touch a shadow. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes. He now had realised everything.

No, don’t cry! It’s not worth it, this isn’t the reason I came here.”

She put her hand on his and for a moment, leaned into his touch, struggling to hold back her own tears.

“How, how can you be standing in front of me?” Mingi asked confused.

The walkway had completely changed under the dark envelope of the night to the point where one would think it was now a totally different place than it was a couple of hours ago, while the sun was still up.

“This isn’t reality, no matter the close resemblance. We’re inside a dream. It’s the only place where we can see each other. I know there was no date, I took the initiative because I wanted to see you in order to talk, like we used to, while taking a stroll down that park at night.”

Their gazes met and once she had explained the reason behind her ‘visit’, she offered her hand and they began walking together.

“First things first, could you tell me why you decided to end your life? Weren’t you happy? Weren’t we happy?” 

At first he asked the question that had been killing him since that day. Since he received the call from the hospital. Since the moment he saw her lifeless on that bed. It happened out of the blue, there had been no warning, or so he thought. That was all it took for a whole year to be smashed to smithereens. “Your number was listed as an emergency contact and since no other relative is available, you’re the closest person to miss Choi Heeyoung…”

Heeyoung sighed buying herself time to organise her thoughts and then answered:

“The key to the riddle in your mind, is the death of my brother. Since the day my parents were killed 10 years ago in the fire that broke out in their office, he was the one that raised me. I was 14 and he was 21, yes there’s quite a gap, I know. About a week ago, when there was heavy rain, his car crashed and he was gone within seconds. It seems as if someone has cast a spell on my family. First my parents, then my brother and now me.”

After finishing she looked up at the stars, then the concrete floor under her feet, letting silence flow between them like the wind between the trees.

“I should have known better! Why didn’t you talk to me? You know I was always there for you, I could have helped you, I could have freed you from your darkness!”

He was mad at himself. Why wasn’t he more careful after Heejoon’s death? He knew full well Heeyoung’s past, it was his fault. But due to all the work for the debut it was impossible to pay the attention needed.

“Don’t blame yourself, It really is not your fault. You made me see the colors after 10 years of everything being black and white. While we were together, I used to believe that all my difficulties had vanished, that I was living life and everything had fallen into place.I couldn’t bare the loss of my brother, I couldn’t bare to witness my world being torn apart once again. So, you were in no position to save me, there was no turning back.”

Tears were inevitable. Besides, that’s they only way in which the soul can express itself and manifest the raw feelings at such times.

“If you’re going to cry, it’ll only be here. When you go back to reality, you won’t cry for me, promise?”

They reached a path that lead to a small cafe-bar.

“Do you remember this?” she motioned smiling towards it.

“Our first date…” he felt it as if it happened yesterday. They had met at the pastry shop where Heeyoung was working. It was like one of those movies, There was no ‘why’ or ‘how’. Once they had seen each other, they both knew that this was the beginning of a relationship.

“We sat right here, drinking our Martinis.”

She was simply listening closely to him, while taking a seat, a cocktail glass was placed in front of each.

“You were stunning that night, wearing a white dress with blue flower prints. And your eyes were shinning like the stars.”

They were looking into each other’s eyes yet again, with such intensity like that of a tiger that’s focusing on its prey.

“You always had a way with words. You’re making me feel butterflies just like back then. However, we’re not here to listen to me talk all night. Tell me about your dreams.”

Heeyoung changed the topic while casually taking a sip of her drink. Mingi on the other hand, was taken aback by her request at first.

“Right now, debuting seems to be my biggest dream about to come true. The idea of standing there on the stage, being in the spotlight, doing what you know you were born to do… You can realise all that if you debut. All it takes is hard work.”

He was beaming with excitement and Heeyoung smiled seeing him this happy. She knew how much he wanted this.

“I don’t have a single doubt. I can already imagine you having one sold out concert after the other. Never forget your dream. Because a dream either comes true or ends up as a buried resentment. It never dies, that’s why we should always srtive to reach our dreams.”

“Then what about us? You’re now in a dream but can never return to reality.”

The crickets were performing their night song while the sent of evening primrose filled the air. Everything seemed peaceful, the noise of the morning hours was absent. Heeyoung glanced at the fairy lights that hung on the wall besides them. They helped create a scene that belonged inside a fairytale. Then she looked at a couple, just like them, which was going down the road.

“We need to learn how to adapt and move on, because life won’t wait, it keeps running. Sometimes, it even goes faster than we want it. Absolutely nothing stays the same, so how are we supposed to do such thing? That’s what I wanted to explain to you tonight. You need to move on, adapt to the new reality, change, in order to be able to follow life.”

“How do you expect me to move on and just forget you, Heeyoung?”

He reached for her hand on the table, as if he was about to lose her.

“It’s not something you’ll be able to do right away. Be that as it may, as time passes, you’ll be forced to do it, it’s the natural flow of things, Mingi.”

They got up, still holding each other’s hand, only a few centimeters separating them.

“I think it’s time for me to go. Everything will be better back in reality now, believe me. I’ll always be here, in this small world of ours, deep within the real one.”

“I love you Heeyoung.”

“I love you too Mingi.”

He gently placed his hands on her waist, while she put hers on his shoulders. They shared a kiss full of pain and longing at the same time, which ended perfectly this night. There, along with the crickets’ song, the primrose sent, under a million stars.

Inside a dream, this mirage of a reality that will never again exist.

Based on IU’s Netflix series, ‘Persona’, pt.4 ‘Walking at Night”