#i wont complain actually im just super stressed and feel like im not making progress on anything actually

[trixibebe]

Me, stressing about when to schedule the interviews before I leave for the holidays: ...

Boss: Hey we have 10 more contacts, do you want them?

Me, also in the need of money: Sure thing, boss. :')

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kyifucius]

so theres been a lot going on in this smol head of mine.

I dont make this kinds of post regularly, just therapy isn't working out how I would like and im feeling like i can have somewhat clear thoughts right now so im gonna try and jot them down in the least tiring least confusing way possible. (using the 6 components of health as my guide) CW: eating disorder talk, trauma mention (no details), transphobia mention, gender talk, love talk.

Tbh, im gonna start looking for new therapist so if this comes out well ill just use this as an about me rn (because I can be different later)

Physical:

I feel fine, Im okay, trying to fix the damage my bulimia did to my body, I’ve seen a dentist, that had much less than desirable news given to me on that front (but things will be okay seeing as my school gives free dental care to its students). Bulimia is still its own hell hole but ill get to that in emotional health. Other than that, I still dont really eat on a tight or strict schedule and I dont actively exercise outside of my one physical fitness course which isn't much. Next.  

Spiritual: God, you there?

This isnt the time of my strongest faith, I dont pray everyday but pretty close but i do sometimes wonder if anyone hears me...I believe my life wont always be so tragic and difficult, theres no signs of it changing anytime soon but something is giving me hope and faith to keep pushing that things will get better and it’ll all be worth it, i guess thats god. It doesnt feel like much but its enough to keep me from considering not being alive so...thank god lol 😅. Next.

Social:

I love my friends, I hate myself, I dont really see my friends as much as I should Im really fighting to just exist at this point I dont feel like im the most fun to be around anymore but hopefully they’ll be understanding to my isolation and forgive me until I pull myself together. I dont see myself making anymore friends than the few I already have. Next. 

Mental: 

Depression(PTSD). Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety(PTSD). Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair(PTSD). Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority(PTSD). Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression(PTSD). Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety(PTSD). Despair. Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair(PTSD). Inferiority. Tiny glimpse of contentment. Depression. Anxiety. Despair. Inferiority(PTSD). Tiny glimpse of contentment. 

Issa cycle 😒 Next.

Emotional: (here comes the heavy stuff)

*deep inhale* Gender. well maybe i should say gender identity. It all feels so strange. I dont feel like anything, I dont feel any ties to being a “male” or “female” I feel like a person. I feel that Ive been going along with looks and expectations that society placed on me because I didnt feel there was really another option. Im comfortable with the clothes i own, most of them being feminine but im not big on super tight clothes, I kinda want to escape the possibility of being sexualized as much as possible. (it could be a trauma thing). Im going by They/them pronouns by those closest to me that are nonfamily members. It feels okay, I dont wanna make a big deal out of it I dont think I should Im the same person i've always been just no longer trying to meet “womanly” expectations, no more push up bras or underwire *amen!*  But I do think about being a cis woman, I think how much easier it would be to not have to define my identity myself and to just already have a rulebook to follow, as oppressing as it may be, which may connect to my next topic...

Eating disorders...so when I think of my body, I don't think of who I am or how I look now and how it could be okay as is, I only think of how I could look and the the easiest look I can perfect, which for me personally would be a something along the lines of a conventionally attractive woman, I think for me to do that I’d need to lose weight...(because of my anxiety i like to know what to do next to get the best/least problematic results) in times of stress or when i feel completely lost and directionless, even purposeless at times. I always go back to losing weight because to be like that woman I imagine I could be that would just be the next step for me to continue to fit the status quo of what society wants and then I feel like even if everything else is going badly at least im making progress in one area of my life and with that I can let out a sigh of relief. 

Last but definitely not least, drum roll please... *smol snare in background* Im in love! Its really the best. I don't know if i should @ him or not...but hes really just been the best most supportive and understanding boyfriend I would never even have the audacity to ask for. I really love him and I have to say things are looking really good for us. Hes trans, my mother is transphobic so thats a real stressor at times but whenever i spend time with him I just really remember that he's so worth her nonsense because if she ever takes the time to get to know him shed see he's just the type of person she’d want me to be with. No one is perfect, not him, not me, and definitely not my mother but we all deserve healthy love and relationships and i really get that from him which is “v fulfilling” and I hope I get to spend many more years with him. Also he puts up with EVERY aspect of me which isn't easy, he listens to me whine and complain and holds me when I cry and laughs with/at me laughing at my own jokes and does my laundry when I leave clothes with him and he lets me sleep late on the weekends and understands my need for mental health days. What a lovely boy 😊. Next

Environmental: 

Im actually tired of writing but this should be simple. THE EARTH HAS HAD ENOUGH! I do what i can to take care of the spaces I occupy but I believe there will be another mass extinction and hopefully i'm not around to see it. The end.

Fun Fact: 

Trauma trauma, trauma in the air trauma, trauma trauma I feel it everywhere. 

[ayyponine]

*cracks knuckles* time to complain

ugh so school is starting again sept 18th and im not super pumped abt it tbh so i should just not check the emails or online platform thing bc it’s stressing me out re: things that are still kinda far off

idk some shit happened last semester so now i’ve been kinda thinking like. am i even the right kind of person to be a teacher. which is a shit thing to be thinking when you’re 24 and 2 yrs into yr most recent and only succesful bachelor degree education but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

one thing that happened is the shit teaching practise experience. like yeah the kids are great and teaching them is fun but i hit such a fucking low and got so stressedwhen it turned to shit with that one mentor. and our internships this last year will be even more intense and fr a longer time and i was SUPPOSED to prepare by getting a scooter and license this summer so i could AT LEAST get there easier and have less stress abt that one aspect but now itll just be more of taking public transport and constantly being either pressed fr time or wasting it bc i worry abt being late so i take the early bus and have to sit around fr an hour before school even starts. and im always so fukn nervous ffs

the other thing that happened is look yall know i had to help a 14 yr old with her french n math homework this previous semester. and i did my best to help her. but like one thing i couldnt help her with and it just really hfuckn, i cant forget about it. ok look one hot day she was in short sleeves and i saw marks on her. and she kinda brushed it off as no big deal bc some of her friends did it too and they were a week old anyway. and i was sitting next to her with even bigger marks on both arm n leg so like who the fuck am i even to school her on that shit, right. i mean i offered to listen if she wanted to talk abt it but she didnt and she mentioned she suspects her helicopter dad to be checking all her social media which means i cant ask her abt it now either and so i just, god, idk, i hate being so powerless abt that shit. made me think like, am i even suited to be working with kids tbh. i was such a fucking idiot fr wearing shorts what if she saw and thought like hey, actually, thats pretty smart, good way fr less people to see. and it happened a few times during teaching practise as  well that kids saw n commented on it so i got used to sweating my ass off in long sleeves all the time but like. is that what the rest of my life would be like. just another fucking thing i ruined for myself.

anyway my dad sent a text, we’re getting food this friday as per usual (we meet fr abt an hour every two weeks). im relieved that that’s still smth he wants to do with me but also im real fuckn anxious he’ll pull some shenanigans in bringing :my sister along or smth or even just bringing up the subject - i know she went to his last weekend so i worry aabt anything they mightve discussed. the way she acts around them is not the way she was around me and i keep reminding myself like no, remember this incident, when the tension built and she slammed the door to make you flinch, when she withheld that important letter frm school, when she barked at her bf just bc he invited you to dinner, when she was cold ignored you and cut you off frm group conversation and you felt so fukn small again. i have to keep reminding myself that i’m not irrational and that im allowed to feel this torn up abt the whole thing even as my parents treat it like they can have a normal bond and my choice to move out was not out of necessity. and i wonder what it’dd even be like to return home after she’s gone back to mexico (shes not living in costa rica??? i dont even know but i got corrected on it a while back. when my dad took me to his parents fr a visit. god i hope he wont do that again this week. im a bad person fr not wanting to hang with my grandparents right now but every time it just turns into an interrogation re: progress in school, when u bringing a boyfriend (they forget im not just into guys exclusively and also they dont know i am too filled with self-HATRED to make anything happen EVER) and “how is yr sister doing”  and the fun part is that one of them has bad memory so those hell topics will ccarrousel a few times over every timei visit). either way yeah returning home to mom would be awkward as fuck so thats a fun prospect. how would we even continue from this mess tbh. from her blatantly picking my sister over me and then after a month of fun carefree living having to trade her in for this messed up failure of a person again. fuck.

also im not super great w my friends anymore. i cant even do that much. i tried to hang out w some a few days back and first barely said anything before turning into an anxious mess and completely embarrassing myself so. great. dont understand why the friend i’ve been with for twwo full weeks now still tolerates having me around but ok sure i guess

[dullanyan]

ok so honest review of pokemon swsh (spoilers!)

so this isnt as in-depth as i could make it but! here we go

the bad things:

first off, i think we need to stop the whole ‘rival picking the one thats weak to your starter’ trend thats been in the last 2 games. like at least have some initiative and get the one whos stronger... though i suppose it makes a Little sense just because he has a wooloo with him as well, but still... 

and i mean, yeah leon uses the one that isnt picked but also i dont get to battle him throughout the game like i do hop.

and speaking of the champion, the league (elite four but not?) was honestly kinda... :/

like there was no reason to heal my pokemon in between each battle. i stocked up on full restores as i normally do but it was totally useless.

and with the plot, it was like... things were hinted at but for the most part theyre just like “let the adults handle this sweetie go battle some trainers uwu!!” and then at the end of the game it was like “ok actually heres all of the plot and conflict right now”

the plot, enemies, etc just felt very rushed. team yell was very lackluster, and... rose’s whole group or whatever, i cant remember what theyre even called right now. i get that it was supposed to be a plot twist but they had no presence in the story except for with eternatus.

also with rose, it kinda left me confused on what he was doing/why he did it like that. i get for the dynamax pokemon and all... but im still very confused on it all?

on to other things now, the online connectivity is just... abysmal. why dont they let you select from your friends list for trades, invites, etc??? putting in a code and hoping someone else didnt put the same one in so you can trade with another person? really? 

my friends and i have a huge problem with raids, we try to join each others and have to cancel + retry just so it shows up on their system. 

its all so needlessly difficult, and makes it really hard to play with your friends.

one more complaint about raids; the npcs need to have better pokemon/sense of type matchups. npcs you fight against are better than this! but hey, i guess lets have npcs that have pokemon that have no attack moves, using types that are very disadvantaged against the raid boss, and then heal every other turn so that you can have 4 pokemon faint and make that raid boss win against you for the 5th time.

its a lot easier with actual people playing, but also if no one joins you despite you having open invites 6 different times, its nearly impossible!

and not having gts is pain... its so hard to get version exclusive pokemon unless you have friends to help you out! (which luckily i do, but still.)

finally, the lack of postgame.... like there’s that whole mission with hop about swordward and shieldbert. but thats it, you know? aside from the battle tower, which isnt much. there’s no new areas to explore in the postgame and its really disheartening. 

---

the good things:

pokemon camp! ive always wanted for all 6 of my team members to interact... the closest we’ve gotten is hgss (taking a picture with all 6 pokemon) and the games in pokemon amie (where up to 3 pokemon play together)

the AI and interactions are so cute... and how the longer theyre in the party together/happiness levels (?) the more they become friends! i feel like a majority of the effort went into this feature; it shows very strongly. pokemon playing, talking, fighting, racing and sleeping, all of the individual animations needed for that, etc. it has a ton of effort put into it and i really like that. 

making curry is also a lot of fun! ive missed doing things like that (poffins and pokeblocks...) so its a very nice thing. the variety in ingredients and flavor from berries is a nice touch, especially the amount being fed to your lead pokemon (the baby spoonful for cutiefly killed me instantly and i love it so much)

and also people online can join in your camp, i think thats really cool!!

the graphics in general are very pretty. its so smooth compared to sun and moon! obviously they arent top quality but that doesnt really matter, it has a nice look to it. 

the wild area is especially fun! plenty of places to explore, a wide variety of pokemon that change based on the weather, how some of them chase you or run away from you, or are even just a little curious about you. and compared to lgpe, i really appreciate that pokemon only disappear if you move far enough away from them. chasing after things in lgpe only to have them disappear the instant you walk up to them was stressful.... 

and that the other pokemon in the overworld dont disappear after each battle you get into! that makes it nicer when you accidentally trip on the 7th zigzagoon that runs in front of you, that you wont lose whatever it was you were after.

and it might just be me, but im really glad a shiny pokemon wont appear as such on the overworld. lgpe makes it super depressing if you see one and dont get to it in time, you know? 

and raid battles, i know i complain about them a lot but im glad that for the most part, aside from certain 5 stars, you can solo them! much better than pokemon go, which you can solo up to a 2 star raid (3 star as well but every time i try i end up running out of time, the time limit is annoying and dumb.)

---

suggestions:

DIFFICULTY SETTINGS. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME. 

i think bw2 had something like that, but it was only after you beat the game you could do ng+. which like... why? i dont want to delete my progress, i want to control how difficult it is before i start. 

i think a simple easy/medium/hard scale would work. 

more clothing options... all of it is very... modern. if leon can wear a cape, i think i should be able to as well. also why were hair accessories removed? 

but i want to dress like a victorian asshole vampire or something. hoodies and shorts are nice but i want more variety!

a friends list feature for online.. so you can select or invite your friends DIRECTLY for trades, battles or raids. 

and my final suggestion that, i REALLY REALLY hope happens, dlc features.

like, oh hey you can get this pokemon not native to the galar region in raid battles now! 

more wild areas to explore, definitely not as big as our existing one but at least something else! with pokemon outside of the 400 already in the game available.

(they better be free dlc, though...)

and as for paid dlc... Kalos region. its like, right there. just let me cross the sea in the south east. its RIGHT there, a whole other region to explore, please, i am BEGGING you. 

if splatoon can have the octo expansion, then pokemon should have the kalos expansion...