#i would feel a little better watching the everlasting trauma

[whirlybirbs]

yesss yesssssss mha yessssss overhaul yessssss very exciting :))))))))

for me, watching mha has been a lot like being crammed into a washing machine that was thrown off a cliff and the entire way down i am screaming "please mr. horikoshi just let these sixteen year olds do algebra"

[emerald-evans]

so winter can find his way home

pairing - curtis everett x woc!reader 

w/c - 1k

summary - curtis finds his way back to you 

warnings - 18+, reference to past trauma, mental health, mentions of physical violence, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort 

a/n - wow this is my first little curtis fic that isn’t just porn. this takes place at the end of snowpiercer, after the train crashed. now, I am a huge slut for the grumpy guy & sunshine girl trope, so this sort of embodies that. also, this is a standalone fic, but I’m thinking about expanding these two into their own little universe with other little drabbles. I hope you enjoy hehe :) 

also, a huge huge huge shout out to @jtargaryen18 Out of Darkness and @sweater-daddiesdumbdork Life is Short so Make it Sweet & Life After Snowpiercer & Wilford’s Demands, who are responsible for my obsession with this man LOL (everyone go check out their masterlist RIGHT. NOW.) 

::edit:: I started this like a year ago LMAO

Italics reference the past 

Please leave comment/reblog to let me know what you think! 

-----

Curtis was like this sometimes, cold and abashed. Disconnected. Like a stray animal newly taken away from it’s home. You knew not to pry, pushing him to open up will only cause him to shelter into himself to avoid engulfing you into his gloomy aura.

It was hard for Curtis to pull himself out of the dark memories that routinely plagued his brain. Reasonably so, the memories of the tail-end and crash of the train bonding his despair deep into his bones. It was all his fault, wasn’t it? 

He was the reason Edgar was dead. 

He was the reason the engine stopped. 

He was the reason his people are trying to survive in the remains of the train. 

“No”, you told him gently as you slowly cradled his face. Even after years together he still tried to hide his feelings from you. He was the reason the tail-end was now free. He was the reason Wilford was dead. And he was the reason they had a chance at life again. 

While only a few years older than you, you and Curtis met after you boarded the train. The initial chaos of the first few months on the train had left all many passengers in a state of frenzy and distrust. 

But you were something different weren’t you? Lending a helping hand where you could, and spending your days trying to keep the children occupied. In the beginning, you were truly just a child yourself, so how wise could one be at age of 15 anyway, you remarked. No, maybe you weren’t wise, Curtis thought. You are compassionate and determined, and you were his light. 

Curtis watched you as you tried the gather the children together to get into line. Sending each of them a gentle smile as you managed to bring them together. Your heart went out for them. Curtis saw it in your eyes. The love you had for these children, and your underlying fear for their future 

Yes, Curtis saw you. He had seen you before, helping out with the children as much as you could. Now he was really taking a look at you. Dark hair, the caramel-beige colour of your skin, and the radiant smile you would occasionally send his way when you caught him starring. The layers of your thick clothes hide your curves underneath. The same curves Curtis would eventually find himself caressing every night as you soundly slept against him in his tiny cot. 

He could hear Gilliam’s voice at the back of his mind. “Curtis, my boy. She would be good for you. We all deserve our little pieces of wonder even after all of this. Why don’t you just try?”. 

“You know why I can’t.” Curtis stoically whispers back. 

Yes. It is better to hold a woman with both hands 

He knew he didn’t deserve you, not after what he did. So he kept his distance. Separating himself for the four corners of the cold locomotive was easy enough. Their routine was never set in stone. Try to sleep, as the everlasting rumble of the train tracks keep their conscious wide awake through the night. 

You were such a light in their ever-evolving darkness, how would he ever make you happy? 

But love isn’t earned. Worthy is not something you have to be to deserve devotion from another. Curtis was learning this the hard way. 

What wasn’t hard? Loving you. It was so easy for him, it was so unlike their constant and familiar struggle it even made Curtis a little uncomfortable. You were well aware of his past, hell you were there living it with him. Yet, you always had the same gleam of hope and curiosity in your eyes when your gaze fell on him. 

While you were all surrounded by the trauma that came with living in the tail-end, it seemed so archaic for Curtis to have his dark days slow him down. After all, you had all suffered. He had to lead his people now. A few days after the crash, most of the residents of the tail end dispersed themselves through various rooms that were previously occupied by the front-end passengers. Luckily, one of the remaining passengers of the front-end had enough mechanical experience to fix the damaged back up generators that ran underneath the foundation of the train. Each section was equipped with enough energy to keep the water melting/recycling system and electricity running for the next year. After the explosion, a portion of the healthy men sought after whatever hints of life they would find outside the four walls of the train. To their surprise, the people were able to fall within a routine fairly quick. 

Even then, there is still work to be done, he would tell himself. 

---

Your kisses. Your kisses gave him energy, he tells you.

You found him sitting on the thick cushion of the chair sitting in the corner of your dimly lit bedroom. Closing his eyes as you gently climb into his lap, he felt your fingers run up and down his arms before stopping to rest on his chest. You knew what he needed, Curtis retreated into himself enough times for you to help him pull himself out. 

He frowned as you climbed into his lap. Distancing himself from you to avoid pulling you into his darkness. Your fingers remained on his skin. Feeling the way his energy wants to be fed, wanting to find a friend. 

His body felt tense under the first press of your lips against his, posture rigid as an attempt to keep up his guard. His reluctant spirit slowly wafted away as you submerge yourself deeper into his greed. 

You made it hard for him to know anything else but you in moments like his. Your sounds, gasps, and hues. Just you. 

The press of his sweat-soaked skin against yours, gently rutting up into you as his heavy grunts fell out of his mouth into yours. 

“Open your eyes” You mumble against his lips. He cries out and does as you said. Pushing deeper, your hips snap against his.

He’s disoriented. Savouring the feelings of his warmth blossoming into your core, you stayed for a moment, chest-to-chest, breathing in each others air as you calmed down from your high. Slowly, he brought his unfocused vision up to you. His breath hitching when he finds a mirrored devotion in the decadent brown swirls of your eyes. I’m here with you, they seemed to say. 

Winter had found his way home. 

-----

Please take a moment to drop a comment <3

All images were found on Pinterest

[marinasage]

and I wonder if god has ever prayed.

“Through love,  I am teaching myself how to think.” - Chris Kraus, I Love Dick.

The soft cork chafes against my feet as the street hustlers beckon me. I forget sometimes that midtown exists. I crane my neck up towards the bedecked billboards, the warmth of the midday sun catching on them and ricocheting down towards my bare toes. I’ve been pulling at the nails all day. Ripping at the edges until they bleed and splinter.

I’d woken up with puffy eyes and blanket creases peppering my cheeks. I must have scooped up the duvet and held it to me like it had a face in the night. I’ve been out of the practice of sleeping alone. My teeth feel like brittle clay when I clench them,  fretting over my messiness the evening before. A little depressed over what I said, did and had. Not sure if it's better to cycle over today or if it would have been less embarrassing on my own last night. How much do the little things ripple?

I realized this morning that I haven’t looked at myself really in months. I don’t think I could see her - me- until you came back along. My ribs stick out now. Thinness has never been anything but a punishment before. A result of a sickness, of the mind or of the body. To be that for me is to be unwell. Last spring I was vigilantly counting calories on the crusade to stop him from leaving me, muddle-minded enough that I had to squint to see the board in class. He’d watch me type the numbers on the plastic packaging into my phone and smile, slotting his fingers into the hollows between strips of bone. For a while it worked. I came to understand that the less of me there was, the easier it would be to love me. Like a dog before a storm, I felt it coming. I starved it off a hostile vacation and a few months more, swallowing myself down with every bite not taken. I wish I could say it felt bad, and that once it was over I was relieved, the spell was broken, the blinders removed. But the dust has been settled a year now and I still can’t separate the dizziness of hypoglycemia from infatuation.  

I’m beginning to think that bad things don’t always have some miracle in them. Call me faithless, but I’ll just call it experience. Low-budget. Imagine what I could make out of shiny, pretty, new materials. What could happen instead of stapling together scraps of mourning for a prize. There’s something freeing and uncomfortable and unexplored about admitting that to myself. That trauma is a thrift store where the pickings are slim. Maybe everything good has already been taken, maybe the selection has sucked in perpetuity. The maybe I will usually tell myself when I walk home empty-handed is that if I had just kept looking I would have found what I was looking for; hidden between the ketchup stains and the moth bitten shoulderpads. So I hope you don’t find me nihilistic when I say that. Maybe (i hope) you’re proud of me. I have a nasty habit of filling everything with meaning. Maybe you’d call that a superpower. I’ll practice by just calling it true.

I told you the other day that I have a hard time saying what I really mean. That I can’t ever stop being queer, even if I want to, even when I should. The smoke moved upwards from between your fingers. Your eyes didn’t. I shivered. I was powerfully underdressed for the weather, and equally stubborn in my belief that this outfit was the thing that could make you pay attention. Goosebumps glistening in moonlight. I devour your movements and your intonations like I read the Bible.

Assuming it's all allegory.

Assuming that parsing a meaning of my own will lead to everlasting salvation.  Assuming that the surface is a trick and only those much stupider and less devout than I would rest their minds upon it.  

I am thinking of Simon Weil.“Attention, taken to its highest degree, is the same thing as prayer. It presupposes faith and love. Absolutely unmixed attention is prayer” Everyone else has left the table but us and I wonder if God has ever prayed, or if he only deals in answering. You certainly seem to fall into the latter category.

I guess that's why I am still chasing this after all of this time.  The care that it takes to unravel your riddles forces me into a flow state, makes me feel like I am going somewhere. That there is somewhere to be going. I find it embarrassing to say that despite it all I want to love. That the sweat on my skin that reminds me how hard I am working just feels cold and damp without a holy witness. I’m not sure if you’re as smart as you think. If you bike a little faster home after I vomit my affections onto you, pedals accelerated by my praise, then I’m right. That when I say that I love you, that’s a kind of riddle too. 

I’m doing it again. The whole not saying what I mean thing. How am I supposed to do anything else when I learned how people talk between pages? Hammering out the subtext is delicious when it gets you an A. I haven’t found a similar metric in real world analysis. I read this week in Scientific American that the winners of this year's Nobel Prize for Physics have concluded that “the universe is not locally real”.  This doesn’t really say what it means. What it means is that quantum entanglement exists. Particles that have crossed paths at one point or another can and do remain intimately linked regardless of distance, and a change in their physical properties can affect each other instantaneously. This isn’t supposed to happen. Information isn’t supposed to travel faster than the speed of light. Energy shouldn’t whisper across the universe with little regard for time and logic. But it does. Wow. What a concept. Two infinitesimally small particles that have brushed fingertips somewhere along the way  affect each other forever, whether they want to or not.  Fuck.  

I nearly failed astrophysics in high school so I wish I had a more academic comment on this, but instead, as always, it reminds me of love. It was humid and empty in Stockholm on the day we visited City Hall. The spires of the old building were good company. My ankles hurt from maneuvering the cobblestones in shoes that said something beautiful and from a lack of focus on anything but his face. I wish I remembered more of what the city looked like. That’s one thing I regret. The Statsbadet, the Hagaparken, the Djurgarden. And then later the banks of the Nile and the Pyramids, the Victoria and Albert Museum, Harrods, Fisherman's Bastion, an industrial rave, Grand Central, The Presidio, my apartment. Places I’ve less visited than seen him in.  Stockholm then felt like we’d jumped inside the gold-rimmed pages of an Elsa Beskow story. No one but us and the mushrooms. And on that day, the lone tour guide of the Nobel Banquet Room.

I felt small, in that delicious anorexic way, under the 50 foot ceilings.   We wandered through the Blue Room alone, faces rising to meet the goliath of an organ housed in the rafters. The concrete tables stretched themselves down the lengths of the hall, bare and cold. When the tour guide tried to paint them brimming with life, swore the empty seats filled with mathematicians and poets, presidents and peacemakers- it was impossible to believe. I found myself horrified at the thought. At that moment, a celebration of that size seemed as though it could only ever have been a hallucination, a natural product of a seemingly endless solitary confinement. We’d been told that more than 5 people in a room could be a death sentence. Not to mention that I had little interest in Einstein or Morrison or prizes of any kind or parties because I quite liked being the only people in the world with him. I felt like I could see myself so clearly then. Taking so many variables off of the table. He’d become a magnifying glass, and I’d not yet become an ant. The world felt so much bigger when we were its only inhabitants. It freezes up my chest to know that there will never be another world like that. I can almost feel it crack me in half. The sun never set that summer and now i feel stupid to have let myself sleep under it at all. I should have milked each ray of light for its future perfection. I wonder if he thinks of it too. If I am there in his memories, or if he was always alone.  If he is, I’m glad I’ve kept the Golden Hall for myself.  I wound the stairs to the top of City Hall, and there it was. Eighteen million little atoms of gold leaf and colored glass make up all of Swedish history. On the left side, the Queen of Lake Mälaren sits holding Stockholm in her lap, while the winds of the east and the countries to the west swirl around her. She is the meeting point, the connector. The entangler.

Kraus says in I Love Dick that the schizophrenic mind is creamy like a library. It can see the links in everything, jumping from one field to the next. Books laid out next to each other, each piece of local information taken into the mind bolstering and changing the static one laying within the bindings of the next.  The Foucauldian in me wonders when we got so afraid of the quantum realm that we had to classify it as insanity. Why when I use it to talk about literature, it makes me a genius and when I talk about love it makes me hysterical. Why I’ll never sit in Stockholm City Hall on a December night, decked in a gold wreath, for my discovery. That you must be feeling what I am too.

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

i am so sorry if you don’t do requests like these (i couldn’t find the rules for req on your navigation but i might be blind) the following i’m about to request might be triggering so please ignore my req if you need to (tw: mentions of sexual abuse) can you do a dazai x reader comfort where the reader has been sexually abused as a kid and although it’s been a long time the trauma still lingers? regardless of whether you do it or not ILY - random anon who simps for dazai

I actually don’t have rules made (i should probably do that...). Personally I have very little I won’t write.

Whispers of comfort | Dazai comfort x reader |

Warnings: mentions of past sexual abuse

(wasn’t sure if you wanted a scenario or hc so I went with a scenario. I hope you enjoy it.)

Beneath every smile, there’s a tear. Behind every cloud there is light. Even under the dark cloud of the night snuggled up besides Dazai, thoughts haunted the mind. The blankets were neatly tucked around for warmth in the cold atmosphere. Despite how comfortable your body was, the everlasting cold of memories refused to leave you. Of course, you knew you were safe in his arms. Yet, it still haunted your mind. You’d been a child then, you were not them anymore. You were not there, it would never happen again. 

Attempting to fall back asleep, you let your eyes drift shut. Immediately you shivered under the images. Darting your eyes open, you sat up hoping not to wake your loving boyfriend. Running your hands over your skin you shuttered. The unwanted touches still felt like they lingered no matter how many years passed, and how many times you tried to rub yourself clean. Your eyes had started watering in your frustration, it went unnoticed by you.

As arms wrapped tenderly around your waist, your body acted on its own, flinching with a soft fear. Moving from the soft grip to provide safety. “Darling?” dazai’s voice made its way through the frigid air. A slight hurt mixed with sprinkles of confusion wrapping around the name he called you. Turning your head to look at him you went to apologize before he shook his head, reaching his hand out to you. “What’s wrong?” he asked, cupping your cheek. Once more you tugged away not wanting the touches. Even if they were from him, your current state wouldn’t let you feel the difference, the warmth of his hands felt cold against your cheek. 

“It's nothing. I just need a moment.” Once again your hands rubbed your wrists and your arms. He thanked the intelligence that made him feel separated from humanity. Carefully he gave you space, connecting the dots. He lacked skills in comfort, but he knew he had to at least try to help you.

“Do you… want to talk about it? We have ice cream… I could get you some of that. Or maybe you just want to soak in a warm bath by yourself. I could get one started for you.” thinking about it for a moment you looked into his eyes. Gathering words to speak, you sighed.

“It happened when I was a kid. You probably figured that out though. Some ice cream sounds good.” Dazai nodded reaching out to you before pulling back. He flipped the light on, noticing your tears, anger rose over him. It didn’t matter when this happened, it pained him to see you like this. If he knew who had inflicted such a trauma, he might lose all ability to hold himself back. He was protective like that. He hated seeing anybody lay even the smallest sliver of pain on you. 

He came back with the whole tub. Setting it next to you, he watched as your lips curled into a small smile, though it was forced. He took a seat near the headboard, keeping a distance from you as you’d asked. “Can I play with your hair?” He truly wanted to make you feel comfortable and safe. He’d always protect you. No matter what kind of situation it was. Be it something mental or physical, he wanted to make it known he cared.

Nodding your head, you waited for his fingers to lightly run through your hair. He rubbed at your skull in soft massaging motions. His hands never left the specific spot he’d asked to touch. He never brushed his hands against your neck, nor did he lean too close. He had a history of being one of those men. A womanizer, somebody who treated them as if they were objects. You woke him up to that. He’d found somebody to love. It didn’t matter your gender, you’d given him a real good scolding when you learned of his flirtings and habits. He now sees why you freaked out on him. “You’ve really changed for the better,” you whispered the words as you spooned more of the sweet into your mouth.

His head tilted when he noticed you read him like a book for a moment. “I guess…” he mumbled, wanting so badly to lean down and kiss the top of your head. He withheld doing anything you didn’t specifically say you wanted, or he could do. “Can I move my hands to your shoulders?” there was hesitation but you nodded, feeling his hands delicately trail down; leaving the softest touches. They were comfort touches, nothing more than that; His fingers didn’t linger or halt. They reached the edge of your shoulders before going back to the top of your head and trialing back.

They felt nice, these were the kinds of touches you enjoyed. Soft and delicate brushes wrapped with affection and worry. Shifting your weight back, you ended up brushing your back against his legs. You didn’t flinch knowing he wouldn’t do anything. Though it still made your heart panic for a moment. “Could you do that with my arms?” you mumbled the plea softly.

Hesitating, Dazai nodded, taking two of his fingers and brushing them along your arm. He stopped above your wrists and moved his hand back to your head, running them down again. You sat in silence, listening to his calm breaths and basking in the soft feeling of his hands. “Are you alright if I pull you closer? Just a hug, you can say no. It's your body I'd never want to invade you. You're in control here, okay? I’m only ever going to touch you when you want it, and where you want it.” he was reassuring you he’d never try anything. Inhaling you nodded. You made the first move. Slipping onto his lap you gave yourself time to adjust and feel comfortable. Your hands grabbed his, wrapping them tightly around yourself. 

It was such a small thing, but you pressed into the contact. You had no idea how much you needed something like this. To be in control of a situation, to feel safe in another person's embrace. To trust them and feel nothing but a strange comfort. The disgusted feeling was pulled away as you snuggled into him. Leaning your head on his arm, tears fell, but they were the kind of tears that fell under the sun; When there were few clouds but speckles of water still fell. Dazai moved his thumb under your eye, wiping such tears from your cheek. He leaned down and planted the softest kiss there. The kiss was only meant to give comfort, and that is what it did. 

At some point within his gentle hold, and whispers that told you how much he cared, you fell asleep; He whispered soft mumbles of how much he would always adore you, no matter what you looked like, what you went through, or what you did; He soothed you into a peaceful sleep. Laying you down he didn’t let you go from his arms. Keeping you in the comfortable closeness, he closed his eyes, slowly he drifted into dreams.

[coldcocoamilk]

happy leggyhan week everyone! give it up for day two :)

this work is available on Archive Of Our Own

for the full list of prompts, click here

title: I Love You.

summary: After years of companionship, it's only natural. / nonbinary hange zoe, alcohol mention, bittersweet, 1,349 words.

story after the cut!

From the moment Levi joins the Survey Corps, Hange has their eyes on him. It’s not necessarily a crush, nor is it any particular concern – they just keep an eye on him. Erwin, in his everlasting wisdom, also kept an eye on him, tasking Hange to do exactly what they had been doing anyways. Watch Levi, make sure nothing stupid happens.

Okay, so a little bit of it was concern. Hange remembered the first time they’d seen their comrades die, mostly the shock and horror and copious amounts of blood staining the wood of the wagon and they weren’t particularly attached to their team either. It was best put as jarring. They could hardly imagine watching their closest friends die, let alone the people they called family. Oh, and being responsible for it? Hange hoped he could sleep at night but knew damn well he couldn’t.

Levi was often up in the barracks late at night, reading something by the light of a candle. If he wasn’t reading, he simply tossed and turned or stared up at the top of the bunk, eyes never wavering, but always open.

After a while, Hange stopped watching him for anything in particular. They had worried he would have some type of trauma and lash out at the rest of the squad or even Erwin again, but he was mostly quiet, only speaking up to defend his combat style or remind someone that a stupid action could get them killed. After a while, they were still being paired up.

Erwin was kind and fair, but wise and stern. Being placed on the same squad, then being separated when the 104threcruit team joined the ranks and finally having squads of their own, they still managed to always deploy out together. Hange remembered the shining faces of the 104th when they embarked on yet another scouting mission, but they remembered Levi yanking their hair and chiding them for wanting to meet an abnormal titan better. Oh, how the days had passed. Oh, how the times have changed.

Now, their lives weren’t full of missions and scouting sprees and battles with titans, but rather filled with meetings, speeches, publicity matters, and private parties between the elite and the military. It wasn’t nearly as exciting as when things had first started. Still, the two remained steadfast even after Erwin’s passing, never in one place without the other. If Hange was speaking to the public as commander, Levi was leaned against a building just barely in their eyesight, always keeping an eye out for them. If Levi was tied up in an uncomfortable conversation at yet another dinner party, Hange was the first one to start busting out random facts about titans that nobody wanted to hear with food in their mouth. They made a great team, really.

They make such a great team that Hange’s dresser now had a drawer full of Levi’s things, too.

Hange’s apartment was small, but cozy. It boasted a single bedroom and bathroom, a kitchen just big enough for two, and a sizeable main room – just large enough for a table, chairs, coffee table and fluffy couch. The laundry was done in the bathtub and hung out across the clotheslines on the balcony, and thanks to Levi being around so often, everything except for the kitchen table was without a speck of dust at all times. Their apartment had become some sort of home base for the two veterans, weary from the day’s work with respectful decline to Historia’s invitation for them to live at court. No, the apartment, with its running hot water and airy windows, just ten minutes’ walk from court, did just fine.

There was no court today. No meetings, no public speaking, no debating or signing or copying or approving. It was Christmas Eve. Court was quiet for Christmas Eve.

They tried to sleep in, they really did. Levi almost always slept on the couch, and when Hange finally dragged themselves out of bed to brew a cup of something hot, Levi already had it ready. When Levi tried to get paperwork done, his pen ran out of ink and tore through the paper. When Hange tried to get some laundry done, they discovered the laundry detergent had been forgotten the last time they went to the market. When Levi tried to brew himself a cup of tea, he found ants in the sugar.

It was all a game, everything. Pretending to work, pretending to do housework, pretending to do simple enjoyable tasks – it was all a game of distraction. Distraction from the day.

You see, Christmas Eve had stopped being enjoyable to the pair. After watching almost every single one of their friends, comrades, and family die for what they had learned was an almost useless fight, there was nobody left to celebrate with. What was the point of celebrating, anyway, if there was nothing to celebrate? Oh, boo, the titans were gone, congratulations! They were humans anyways, and the two had unknowingly become mass murderers. There was a sea, and civilization too? It would be helpful if that civilization didn’t hate their very existence.

As time had gone on, their closeness was something that the younger comrades had noted, but was quickly shot down by nothing but a stern glance. It was bound to happen over time anyways – two people can only experience so much together before they begin to bond over their traumas and experiences.

And so, it was Christmas Eve that left the two sat on the couch together, a couple candles lit, two glasses of whiskey being sipped from as the night drew on. They were cuddled together under a thick pile of blankets, watching the snow stick to the window as it fell fast outside. There wasn’t much to say – there was nothing to say at all, actually. Nothing felt appropriate – everything felt too inappropriate. It was the kind of silence that was heavy, but comfortable at the same time, like a thick weighted blanket over the world.

Of course, weighted blankets are conducive to sleep. So is whisky.

When Hange wakes, they’re laying down on their side against a warm body. A thin stream of sunlight is just barely visible through their closed lids, weak, but still irritating. They stir, burrowing deeper into the body and the cover of blankets.

It’s Levi who really moves first. His fingers, gentle, stroking Hange’s hair that has come down from its usual ponytail.

It is so very nice to be held, Hange thinks to themselves, savoring the methodic stroking of their hair. It’s Levi, of course. It’s always Levi. Always has been.

They open their eyes, peering up to meet his. His are softer than usual, and the furrow of his brow isn’t present right now. He looks peaceful, genuinely peaceful. It’s a look that will change when the moment is over, but it’s burnt into Hange’s memory for as long as they’re alive.

“You know, I have a confession to make,” they start. The stroking pauses. “I love you, you know.”

The stroking continues, and he says nothing. Defeated, Hange burrows back into his chest, feeling the shame well up in their chest. Ah, they’ve gone and fucked it all up now.

“Hange,” Levi’s hand snakes under their chin to pull it up, forcing them to look at him again. “You know, it’s been a long time since I’ve loved someone.”

Oh.

He’s quiet for another moment, and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting his head fall back. He takes another deep breath in and out before continuing.

“Or, at least I’ve been stuck thinking that. To be honest, I love you too. I love this so much.”

The statement brings an uncontrollable grin to Hange’s face. “I love this too.”

And so the two sit there, drifting in and out of sleep, always watching each other in between naps. They only really woke up when the children started playing outside, and even so –

It was the first bearable Christmas in a long time for the duo.

[bsd-elle]

Thoughts on the SK8 The Infinity Episode 12

So the final episode just aired. And I’m having majoorrr mixed feelings.

This show was truly something that kept me going, with it’s story, animation and the whole found family thing. I have loved this show from the beginning and I will till the end.

But as a lot of people in the fandom I do have some strong opinions on the finale

First off, I just want to say that everyone is allowed to have their own opinion but please do not send hate or any negative energy to studio Bones and Hiroko Utsumi. They have worked incredibly hard on this series. In fact I put them on a pedestal for giving us something so poignant and wonderful during such trying times. I looked forward every Saturday to watch the new episode and that feeling, that rush while watching it, never changed throughout the show’s run!!

Now on to my thoughts on the finale.

1. Shipping

I saw many people in the fandom criticizing the studio for queerbaiting. Now I can definitely not give an accurate perspective on this, as I am not part of the LGBTQIA community, though I am a strong ally.

Let’s talk about the main ships: Renga and Matchablossom

Renga: In my opinion they’re pretty much canon. All the hints, the loving looks, Langa jumping to hug Reki, Langa basically saying Reki is his happiness, Reki wanting to skate beside Langa (Infinitely). In my eyes, they’re canon.

Of course it would’ve been amazing to have a canon queer relationship, but we have no idea what happens behind closed doors. The rules in Japan, unfortunately are totally different from other progressive countries. As someone who lives in a country where they just decriminalized gay marriage, seeing canon queer relationships is honestly rare.

I think they did whatever they could to show that Renga is canon.

I mean come on, Langa basically said he liked Reki in episode 8

I think it would be very very cool and progressive to have a them outwardly admit to it, but we know both these dumbasses never finish their sentences. lol

I’m happy with the way their relationship evolved.

Matchablossom: I honestly can’t give a clear reasoning to this, because personally I don’t ship them. But the thing is, they could be canon, who knows?

I mean everyone was talking about how Joe went out with 2 girls in the end sequence and because of that they aren’t canon. But by that logic we couldn’t ship them from the beginning, since Joe kissed girls in the first episode.

I mean I totally headcanon that Joe is a bisexual king, so that means he could be hanging out them girls while still majorly crushing on Cherry.

Who knows, maybe Joe brought the girls to Cherry’s signing on purpose to make him jealous. Lol

Let your imagination run wild, people. It’s up to your own perspective. I personally don’t ship them, but I don’t think it’s queerbaiting when you pretty much have several hints to them caring deeply (love) about each other.

2. Story

This is where the critiquing comes.

One of the main reasons why I loved and still love Sk8 was one, obviously because of Renga and two because I absolutely loved the story.

From eps 1-11 the story was so compelling and written in such a fantastic way. Every week I’d have some assumptions and every time it would completely blow my mind.

In particular ep 10. When I originally saw the title “Dap not needing words” I was so worried.

They need to talk, they have to communicate. But wow, that episode was just phenomenal, if you guys want me to make a review on each episode I would be happy to, I have so much to say.

Sure, ep 10,11 was wayyy too rushed, but I just know it’s because they had to fit a lot of story in such a little time period. If they had maybe 24 episodes, they would’ve knocked it out of the park.

Either way I had no complaints.

My issue with ep 12 is the beef: Adam Vs Snow

I thought animation wise and as a beef it was really impactful (similar to Reki Vs Adam)

But why God, why did they give Adam a redemption

I’m sorry but he doesn’t deserve it.

I knew for a fact that as much as I wanted Adam to go to jail (so badly), I knew it wouldn’t happen. That was just not possible (in my eyes). I thought they would take a page from Fugou Keiji: Balance Unlimited, where his family (those evil ass aunts) and send them to jail (for clear mental, physical abuse and who knows what else), and Adam would go in isolation somewhere.

There he could properly heal from his trauma and abuse, work through it, heal his relationship with Tadashi and just work to be better.

There was a part of me that expected the show to end with a typical “oh we’re all friends and everything is forgiven” bullshit and I prayyedd that wouldn’t happen

But boy was I wrong

Why did they try to sympathize with him?!?

I get it, he’s clearly had severe trauma and abuse, and he uses skateboarding and entering the “zone” to get away from his terrible reality.

But why did they have Langa say this to him??

“Skating is fun because you can do it with your friends!”

It’s sweet that he’s trying to teach Adam what Reki taught him, but this implies that Adam is his friend. Or atleast that’s what he wants

“hey, you’re a crazy monster and you assaulted my friends (boyfriend), but I still wanna skate with you, cause it’s fun with friends”

I’m sorry, in what universe is this.. your friend?

Your actual friend, Langa, who taught you everything you know, who’s been with you from the start, he has been attacked and traumatized multiple times by Adam. Not to mention several other people.

I could’ve accepted it if they used the line

“Don’t ever end up on your own”

That makes more sense in this context, it’s like saying “hey you evil monster, you’re crazy but don’t end up alone, treasure the people in your life”

I think that implies more on the sense that Adam has to figure shit out on his own, by himself. Not with Langa and the people he’s assaulted.

Then it would make atleast a bit more sense to heal Tadashi and Adam’s relationship.

You just cannot build up a character like Adam, for 12 episodes and then completely forgo that for the sake of “friendship”, that just makes no sense

Not to mention, Kirako the detective, the fact that she worked so hard and got absolutely nothing, is preposterous.

That whole thing put a really bad taste in my mouth.

Also, during the beef, like I mentioned, Langa basically implies that they should have fun because they’re skating with friends.

This basically just throws out Langa’s friendship with Reki.

I mean Reki was so badly hurt and injured after their beef, both the times.

Yes, he did have a lot of fun and that was the point of ep 10, 11 to show Reki that he didn’t have to skate to be the best (like no one ever wass.. dun dun dun. If you know that reference, here’s a chocolate) he skated to have fun(even though in my eyes, he’s the best)

Ep 12 was that arc for Langa, for him to realize he also skated to have fun.

But when you’re condoning and encouraging Adam, idkk.. it just rubbed me the wrong way.

I didn’t like it at all. They made him into a gag character in the end scene, which is literally the opposite of what he’s been pictured for the past 11 episodes.

3. Side characters

Shadow did not deserve that in any way whatsover.

He was completely glossed over. I thought his injury would be a pivotal plot point for improving his relationship with the manager, but they just used it as a way to remove him from the tournament

Tadashi, babyy, that’s Stockholm syndrome

When I saw that dog comment:

Godd... he deserves so muchhh moree..

So, overall the finale, honestly disappointed me. But my love for sk8 is everlasting and the finale will never change that

4. Future

Hopefully, and I pray for this

A season 2, movie, OVA or anything tbh.

There’s so much potential

Reki and Langa go to Canada, they visit Oliver’s grave, Langa teaches Reki snowboarding

Kirako finally arresting Adam

Tadashi becoming true friends with Langa, Reki and the gang

Shadow getting the love he deserves

Matchablossom canon

Renga canon

Miya getting the apology he deserves

But whatever it is, Sk8 the Infinity owns my heart and I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life.

Other than reading Renga fanfiction

[shihalyfie]

Ichijouji Ken, his future, and Kizuna

Having talked about Kizuna’s extremely deep relationship to 02 as a series, it’s only natural that I should probably spend some extra focus on its main central character, Ichijouji Ken. It’s no secret that, although Daisuke was the protagonist of 02, Ken was the central figure to the series itself (after all, the series was founded on the concept of deconstructing the supposed “genius kid”), and so Kizuna having such a deep relationship with 02 means that it does, inevitably, have a deep relationship with Ken in particular.

The last twenty years have been full of a plethora of meta analysis on Ichijouji Ken as a character within 02 to the point I feel anything I could possibly come up with would probably be redundant, so today I’d like to place extra focus on his development after 02 (in terms of both canonical materials and general analysis), and how it leads up to his portrayal in the recently released Kizuna. (Naturally, spoilers for the movie will be below.)

We’ll start this analysis by looking at where Ken left off during the final episode of 02.

Thanks to his interactions with the rest of the 02 crew (especially Daisuke), Ken was slowly putting his life back together, but he still had a long way to go. As late as episode 49, we learned he still had suicidal ideation tendencies in regards to his deeds as the Kaiser, and although the rest of the team did get through to him in the end, it was clear that there was still a huge path ahead of him as far as coming to terms with himself and bonding with the rest of the team went. This was especially because he ended the series with the Dark Seed still in the back of his neck -- supernatural forces may have assisted his initial downfall, but it was going to be entirely on him to make sure that he never went back there again for the rest of his life.

One thing that’s really important to put in perspective is the actual chronology this ordeal took place in. Although the Kaiser saga spanned a little under half of the yearlong series that 02 was, Christmas skewed the schedule a little bit, so a good chunk of the second half of the series actually took place in much more condensed time than the first. Taking into account the official statement that everything before Christmas roughly aligns with the time of the year the relevant episode aired, and given the exact dates in December that we know episodes 38-50 take place in, within the course of 02, Ken’s reformation from being the Kaiser and bonding with the group spanned around only four months. That is not a lot of time, especially compared to the roughly two-year period Ken went through the trauma of his brother’s loss and his transformation into the Kaiser, so in actuality, Ken made a huge amount of progress considering how little time he had to do so.

Before we continue, I should make clear that I generally count pretty much everything in the Toei-esque fashion of “everything is canon, don’t think about contradictions too hard” (which is generally their modus operandi with pretty much any franchise), so pretty much everything here is fair game. That said, obviously, contradictions and other outliers do exist, so occasionally I am going to have to omit stuff that really, really doesn’t track...so for the sake of this analysis, I’m skipping Armor Evolution to the Unknown for two reasons: one, because it takes massive liberties with characterization for the sake of crack (it’s pretty hard to believe Ken would be this degree of flippant about the Kaiser persona in a more serious situation), and two, because it was written before 02 finished airing (it was released between episodes 43 and 44) and doesn’t reflect a lot of series and characterization development that happened later in the series. (Armor Evolution to the Unknown was released during a time period when the drama CDs were really, really big on the crack -- the three Adventure mini dramas are the same -- and it wasn’t until later that actual “serious” ones would start coming out.)

Given that, our next canonical point we can work with is Diablomon Strikes Back, which takes place in March 2003.

At this point Ken’s recovery is at a little around six months, and he’s making massive progress -- even if you’re not sure about counting the actual events of this movie as canon, it’s an excellent character study in terms of watching Ken’s emotional recovery at this point in time and his relationship with Daisuke, now that he’s not directly dealing with issues pertaining to his own past trauma.

It’s already a very different Ken from the one we’ve seen in the original series, where in episode 38 the idea of him laughing was such a huge shock, but here we already see a much wider emotional range from Ken -- light cheerfulness, playfulness, and at times even a bit of petulance. His actions and dialogue still have Ken’s trademark “softness” -- being kind and gentle has always been said to be his core inner trait, after all -- but, nevertheless, he’s a lot more willing to show “superficial” emotions, especially compared to how closed up, shy, and sometimes standoffish he would be within 02 proper.

Even Ken’s own body language indicates a lot -- he’s much more relaxed and  natural. Observe how he slouches here.

In fact, if you listen to Park Romi’s delivery of his lines throughout this movie, she voices him with a significantly higher-pitched and “lighter”, soft tone through all of it, which really gives off the impression that he’s much less emotionally uptight.

We get a glimpse of Daisuke and Ken’s future dynamic and how they’ll continue to be such tight friends in the future -- Ken is someone who can keep the infamously chaotic Daisuke in check (especially since prior to Ken coming into his life, Daisuke’s closest friend was probably Miyako, and while the two certainly got along very well with each other, they had a tendency to enable each other’s chaos a bit too much at times).

But despite Ken obviously trying to be more sensible than Daisuke here, it still manifests as a much greater show of emotion than the kind you’d be used to within 02 proper. He’s much more assertive with putting his foot down in keeping Daisuke under control, which indicates not only a more comfortable relationship with Daisuke in particular, but also a general increase in his ability to be assertive.

In one of his most famous scenes in this movie, he actually outright taunts Daisuke in order to spur him on. He’s doing it totally affectionately (it’s specifically to give Daisuke more motivation to keep running), but nevertheless, he’s taunting Daisuke -- not really something you'd expect from Ken in 02 proper. The original line in Japanese even has him use the very super-casual and aggressive end particle ~ze.

He even snarks about Daisuke’s convenient bouts of luck in ways that aren’t exactly complimentary (the literal phrasing of this line has “baka mitai ni” in it, in this context "some kind of ridiculous incredible power”).

And, near the end of the movie, when he starts to lose hope, it only takes a single line from Daisuke to get himself back together -- this kind of thing would have probably taken a whole speech in 02, even from Daisuke himself, but by this point Ken’s got a much better emotional grasp on himself.

And in the end, the movie ends on both Daisuke and Ken laughing together -- very lightly.

It’s easy to pass off Ken’s characterization in DSB as an incidental thing simply because this is a “side story” movie from 02 -- especially since it was technically produced during 02′s airing -- but in fact, this portrayal is consistent with what Ken has to say about himself during his next known point in canon, Spring 2003.

Given that Takeru’s track is apparently set “three months” after Christmas, and Miyako’s track talks about having just entered middle school, I assume that this means Ken’s takes place in around late March or early April 2003 (almost exactly a year since 02′s start), but in actuality nothing really “happens” during Ken’s track. Nevertheless, it provides a lot of information on Ken’s state of mind during this time and his own self-reflection on his past...and defines in very clear words what it is that Ken needs to move away from.

You were always in a bad mood and you were cold to me, but now that I think about it, maybe you really wanted to be nicer to other people. I don’t know what happened to you that made you act like you did, but now, I finally feel like I understand a bit. You were demanded to grow up fast, weren’t you, Brother? Because we were always being evaluated and compared by someone, we didn’t get a chance to have more freedom. We didn’t have any chances to run down an alley because we felt like it, or pull up weeds, or tumble around… meaningless things, things that didn’t bring any value to us at all. Just like the cat napping on the roof… we weren’t able to fully enjoy any everlasting freedom.

02 -- especially its latter half -- dealt largely with the concept of parents imposing too many expectations on their children, acting “proud” of them but actually using them to inflate their own self-worth, and in the end effectively robbing their own children of their right to “be children”. While we don’t know a lot about Osamu based on limited information about him, Ken’s parents also lament that they might have robbed Osamu of the opportunity to be a “normal boy” in 02 episode 23.

Once Ken took the role of the “family genius” after Osamu’s death, Ken was thus likewise robbed of that “normal childhood” due to all of the expectations put on him -- and Ken’s words in his track imply that it extended to before Osamu’s death, because just because Osamu was the favored one at the time didn’t mean that Ken wasn’t subject to the same kind of expectations to at least some degree, even if not as much. (Note how he really didn’t seem to have any kind of friends at all prior to Daisuke and the others.)

Thus, Ken’s ideal trajectory is to become “a normal child” -- one not subject to expectations as a “well-behaved genius child”. That applies not only to things like his academic or sports performance, but also even his core manners -- being a “normal person” in this context meaning being allowed to show emotions, be petty, have emotional range that extends beyond just being deferential and polite, and generally do things because he enjoys them and not because others expect him to. This is consistent with his portrayal in DSB, as in said movie he really does come off as a “normal boy” -- a young child who, while certainly less chaotic than Daisuke, is still enjoying himself and interacting with the world in “his own” natural, relaxed way rather than holding himself to obligations.

Another interesting thing about DSB is that it has Ken refer to Daisuke by given name. This is particularly intriguing because up until the end of 02, Ken consistently referred to Daisuke as “Motomiya” (he did use given name in episode 39, but it wasn’t something he really followed up on). This despite the fact he went with given names (plus honorifics) for everyone else in the 02 team, but it seems like Ken was still trying to figure out his very complicated feelings about Daisuke as someone who was his Most Hated Person™ during his Kaiser days and yet is now trying to aggressively reach through his barriers that he’s constructed out of self-defense.

And yet, extremely notably, almost every single post-02 material is consistent about the idea that Ken switches to given name basis with Daisuke after 02. (The only exception is Armor Evolution to the Unknown, which, as stated before, was written and recorded during 02′s airing and not after; notably, Daisuke is also on surname basis with Ken during that drama CD, even though he permanently switches to given name basis after episode 39.) That includes “out-of-hard-canon” things like Xros Wars episode 78.

Yet they still couldn’t remember to put the highlight back in Ken’s eyes, among other things.

Honorific and surname-given name basis fluctuated quite a bit in both Adventure and 02 (especially whenever canon material changed hands between writers), but for all intents and purposes, there is no reason Daisuke and Ken should not be on mutual given name basis after 02. This is especially when you take into account the more naturalistic relationship they have as of DSB -- there’s no standoffishness at all between them anymore.

This ties very deeply into how 02 portrayed its characters. One thing I’ve very, very often pointed out was that it was always an explicit point of contrast between themselves and the original Adventure team was that the 02 kids were not only “friends” in terms of fighting together on Digimon cases, but “friends” in the sense of actual social-life friends who clicked well in personality and adored each other’s company. (Part of this was because of the core theme of the series; Jogress being such a huge motif, “understanding your friends” took precedence over Adventure’s “understanding yourself”.) These are the kids who hung out together in the totally-not-related-to-any-Digimon-incident (at least, not at first) picnic in episode 6 and Christmas party in episode 38, a stark comparison to the Adventure kids who infamously started drifting as early as Our War Game!.

(Note that this isn’t meant to diminish or drop shade on the Adventure kids’ bonds in any way -- I feel like their bond is more of one that’s a “transcendent” one that crosses space and links them through their shared experience, but, nevertheless, is simply not the same in nature as the “social life” bonds the 02 kids had where they were very casual and yet intimate with each other in almost all daily life respects.)

As a result, Daisuke and Ken’s relationship ended up very different from that of their predecessors Taichi and Yamato -- it’s actually hard to imagine them getting in all that many highly heated fights in the same way their seniors would be prone to, and they’d generally be on “mild banter” terms for most of it. In fact, they come off as pretty casual and in-sync with each other, and it’s to the point where it really does feel like -- especially by the point of DSB -- staying on “standoffish” surname basis really is unwarranted.

And while it’s tempting to limit Ken’s relationship to only Daisuke, this did involve the rest of the 02 group, after all -- we got significant episodes defining his relationship to the others (Miyako got a whole episode in 25, and 30′s entire events kicked off because of an attempt to get him to better socialize with Iori!), and the 02 kids as a cohesive “overall group” were integral in getting Ken to open up and show different sides of himself. Although his relationship to certain team members ended up closer than others (Daisuke and Miyako, the ones who tried most aggressively to reach out to him, ended up getting the most out of him), nevertheless, it was important that Ken ultimately cultivated a relationship with a group of friends, and not just one.

This, of course, brings us to Kizuna, which takes place in the summer of 2010. This is a massive leap of time we don’t know a lot about, and for all it’s worth, this means we have, compared to the approximately two years Ken spent suffering under the influence of the Dark Seed, a whole eight years dedicated to potential recovery. There’s a lot that could have happened during that time, and what happened in between, we can only really guess.

Well, for one, he cut his hair.

The reveal of Ken’s design for Kizuna was a huge shock for those watching, because, among all of the twelve main human characters in Kizuna, he probably has the biggest and most drastic design change -- especially because his long hair was so iconic that even the epilogue depicted him with it (and even longer, at that). Were it not for other important identifiers like Wormmon’s presence and the fact said hair is at least still indigo blue, you’d almost wonder if it’s the same character.

(I do have to at least give props to this Animedia poster, though -- that soft and concerned expression is textbook Ken-chan, so it absolutely nails the vibe that it’s the same character despite the massive design change, and it even has a small cute detail that, despite clearly trying to calm Yamato down in haste, he’s still tidy enough to lay his chopsticks neatly on the bowl. That Ken has a habit of doing this while eating hot ramen is a very specific minor blink-and-you’ll-miss-it detail in 02 episode 36, and while I’d normally pass this off as coincidence, Kizuna and its PR has had such ridiculous attention to detail that I’m not entirely willing to.)

Not only that, his actual outfit in the movie is rather unassuming -- it’s just a black shirt, pants, and a belt, compared to the more distinctive/fashionable or setting-immersive outfits everyone else has. I mean, it sure beats that godawful grey gakuran he was constantly wearing during 02, but there were certainly a lot of complaints about how...well, unassuming and plain he looks.

The thing is, though, this is very much in line with how Ken would most likely want to present himself. When you think about it, Ken himself would probably not really appreciate his fanbase status as the “sad pretty boy”; having been scrutinized, evaluated, and put on uncomfortable pedestals through all of his early life, “blending in” and coming off as an average, unassuming person would be right up his alley.

Anyway, before we get into Kizuna itself, we have the drama CD that came with its BD, Where Should We Go? While it was released after the movie, in chronological timeline, it serves as a slight prequel, and what we learn about Ken in it is certainly...interesting. Namely, that he’s apparently a hardcore fan of Japanese hot springs. And not just a hardcore fan of them, but also a complete nerd.

The hot springs *obviously* must have free-flowing water. If possible, I think I’d prefer a quiet, rural flowing hot spring that’s surrounded by a moss-covered garden. Then I want to stay the night at a historical inn that focuses more on tranquility and wabi-sabi rather than wildness or beauty. I’m not looking for a lot on the food options, but the portions should ideally be neither too large nor too small. If we’re just going to relax our bodies, then I’d like it if there was a variety of hot springs to choose from. The water quality that I recommend for the ladies would be the hydrogen carbonate spring or the alkaline simple hot spring (these are otherwise known as simple hot springs with a basic pH of 8.5 or above), but my personal favorite is the hot sulphur spring! Incidentally, the hot sulphur spring is said to treat arteriosclerosis and high blood pressure. If it were possible, I’d like to take my time there… At least stay for two nights! Ahh… Hot springs… Hehehe…

I cannot stress enough how much the audio delivery for this depicts him as being terrifyingly into it. It’s also...not exactly the most fashionable thing for a nineteen-year-old to be into (actually, it’s more of a stereotype old man thing, what with the fixation on traditional Japanese aesthetics and health nut aspects), but we have Ken being very shameless and assertive about his personal interests, even if they’re a bit unusual.

Funnily enough, this isn’t actually the first time he was demonstrated to be a huge infodumping nerd -- it’s just that the last instance was questionably canonical, but tracks extremely heavily with what was just demonstrated here. Namely, Daisuke and Ken’s Shopping Carol:

Listen, the thing about Christmas is that it's one of the most important days in the world... It was the day the Savior was born... So, you go to church and pray... Of course, you knew all of that right?

Or in other words, he interrupts Daisuke’s wistful thoughts with The Actual Nerd Facts, because he’s a nerd. He even has a bit of a smart-aleck atmosphere...and then he cheerfully and sassily dumps all of the work on Daisuke thereafter. While the canonicity for this song is hard to place since it was released during 02′s airing (and 02 itself depicted a very different Christmas), plus the ambiguity of character song canon in general, it’s interesting how Ken’s portrayal here is pretty surprisingly in line with what we’re learning about his future personality.

The rest of what we see of Ken in the drama CD is what we generally knew about him already -- he’s kind, he dotes on Wormmon (he even indulges Wormmon’s request to take him skiing!), and he still keeps up with being into intellectual studies, and even soccer (he’s described as actually keeping up with soccer to the extent he does training camp), because he was always interested in those kinds of things -- it’s just that now he can indulge in them in ways he personally likes instead of being held to other people’s standards.

But he’s also very emotional, passionate, and openly assertive -- something he could be in 02, but only when it was something he really, really cared about, because most of the time he was a little more on the shy side with others. Not anymore. And he’s happy to indulge in the chaotic trip planning and enable the others, and, at the end, gives some sentimental words to Daisuke, his best friend.

Anyway, onto the movie itself!

Notably, they do not mention Ken’s past trauma nor his deeds as the Kaiser throughout the entire movie.

That might surprise people, given that this was...well, central to the entire plot of 02, so it’s arguably a glaring omission that despite having the 02 cast here, it’s not even brought up once. The only real “reference” to it is this scene, where Ken happens to be the one who knows about Menoa’s background as a child prodigy -- and even then it’s uncertain whether this had anything to do with said traumatic events (Menoa was admitted to Liberica in 2002 itself) as much as it’s a meta nod to Ken having a suspiciously similar background and the fact he and Menoa were based on the same real-life story (the nine-year-old boy who skipped grades into Columbia University).

But, again, recall that Ken has had eight years to move on from the events of 02, more time than said events had actually spanned over. That doesn’t mean he’s easily going to forget that trauma, nor that said events don’t still have an impact on him, but rather that a true positive development for him should have him not having to consciously dwell on it if it’s not necessary, and that his friends of now eight years should probably not be still holding it over him at a time like this.

After all, 02 itself was dedicated to scolding this kind of behavior -- not being “stuck in the past” (which, well, also happens to be a very pertinent theme when it comes to Kizuna...) was basically the entire point of the latter half, and so it stands to reason that Ken, and by extension the rest of the 02 cast, would be more focused on what they’re doing now instead of what happened back then.

In the absence of any references to said past, Ken in the actual movie ends up coming off as a bit unremarkable and plain compared to the three friends who end up surrounding him, all of whom have much more extreme personalities (the chaotic and exuberant Daisuke and Miyako, and the comically poker-faced Iori). But you get the feeling that he’s perfectly fine being that way -- rather, he’s enjoying getting all of his fun from his exciting friends, without feeling a need to spice things up himself.

So when we finally do meet Ken for the first time in Kizuna, he’s cheerfully eating ramen with Daisuke and Iori in New York (which, for all it’s worth, is probably really questionably legal, considering that Adventure’s world of 2010 likely still hasn’t figured out how to deal with that whole thing with “immigration and customs” as it pertains to Digital Gates.) Emphasis on cheerfully. He’s as tidy as ever (note how he still properly keeps his chopsticks between his fingers and cleans up after himself, albeit not as well as Iori), and he’s obviously more straight-laced than Daisuke or Miyako, but he isn’t really hiding the fact he’s also totally enjoying this. He didn’t even know why they were there for ramen in New York in the first place, but he just rolled with wherever Daisuke took him.

Recall that, according to their official profiles, these three go to completely different schools now -- Iori’s in high school, Daisuke’s at vocational school getting a chef’s license, and Ken’s in university studying psychology. (Which, by the way, is not brought up at all throughout the movie nor the drama CD! It’s easy to glean how his past experiences might give him an interest in the topic, and it’ll certainly be a valuable background to have for his future known career in criminal investigation, but despite Ken previously having had a reputation for being studious, it’s not brought up at all -- almost as if hanging out with his friends and having fun with them is more important and pertinent.) The drama CD even points out that Ken would normally be busy with soccer training camp. Yet they’re hanging out. In New York. Eating ramen. So, Yamato, what were you saying about how “choosing your own path can sometimes mean being alienated from friends”? If anything, these friends seem to be going out of their way to make sure they’re staying tight.

And, as you’d expect, Ken refers to Daisuke by given name, following DSB’s precedent. Again, given the nature of their relationship right now, this should be expected. There’s other evidence that Kizuna does use DSB as reference in certain other respects as well (Takeru calls Yamato “niisan”, which had previously been exclusive to that movie), and it’s very possible that Ken as portrayed in that movie was used as reference for his potential trajectory here.

Note that he seems to be even more outwardly affectionate with Wormmon than before (which is, shockingly, apparently possible) -- he still feeds his partner before feeding himself (similar to what he did in 02 episode 37), but now he also shamelessly carries Wormmon on his head, which he never did in 02. Perhaps it’s because he’s tall enough to carry the weight, but unlike with Takeru and Patamon, Wormmon is big enough that the sight is honestly comical -- yet Ken couldn’t care less, and while we don’t see him in his own school, it’s a sharp contrast to how Taichi and Yamato scoffed at the idea of bringing their partners to school because they “have their own lives to live”.

(A nice touch is Ken carrying Minomon from his arm, which actually comes from a very obscure piece of 02 concept art -- you can find it in the Character Complete File or the Animation Chronicle -- but was never depicted in the series proper. The Kizuna design works in the April 2020 edition of Animedia actually recreated that piece of art with Ken in the exact same position, only as a nineteen-year-old this time, which was an incredibly welcome thing to see.)

He greets Miyako upfront when she arrives, which doesn’t look like much on its face, but recall that this probably wouldn’t have happened during 02 proper -- not even with Daisuke! -- and, at the very least, not with this very casual “hey!” tone. It means a lot in terms of how much more casual of a person he’s been able to become in the last eight years, and how much more casual he is with this group (well, at least with Miyako). Takeru also greets Wormmon in the drama CD, and Wormmon seems pretty unusually happy to see Hawkmon when they meet each other there, certainly implying a lot of interpersonal interaction since.

Miyako meets up with them (and, going back to how tight these kids are, Miyako would come in all the way from Spain to meet her friends even for the exact same job that she dumped on her seniors), and they end up infiltrating Menoa’s office. He gets in a line of snark, especially because the Shueisha Mirai novel indicates he’s deliberately “looking the other way” in regards to worrying about security -- looks like he’s developing some Lawful tendencies, but in the end, his friends and getting to the bottom of the real truth take priority.

And, also, it’s still pretty clear he’s totally taking the opportunity to enjoy this.

So what does this all mean, really? He’s taking a fairly passive attitude with his abundantly more chaotic friends, but he’s also not protesting, and he’s enjoying everything he can out of it. He’s a bit quieter than he was in DSB, but that could easily just be from being older and a bit more mature, and he hardly comes off as reserved, either (it helps that Daisuke doesn’t quite resort to any antics nearly as ridiculous as he did in DSB, so there’s no need to keep him in check -- yep, even Daisuke got a bit more mature himself). And he’s joining these kids in being possibly some of the most chaotic disaster adults (near-adults?) on this planet, in a sharp contrast to their seniors.

I mentioned earlier in my analysis of Kizuna’s relationship to 02 that Ken is actually a “hidden” foil to Kizuna’s main antagonist, Menoa -- they were both conceived from the same idea Producer Seki had regarding the real-life “genius boy” who ended up going to Columbia University at a young age and, in her opinion, was going to be robbed of a proper childhood experience. 02′s Dark Seed children arc was a major indictment against parents forcing this kind of pressure on children, not only in the sense of pushing them academically but also quashing out their more “childish” dreams for the sake of a more “dignified” outlook and future. Through the events of 02, Ken learned a very personal lesson on not losing his “true self” to the pressure of those expectations, and the meaning of valuing his family and friends instead.

Ken and Menoa, effectively, were originally on the same path, but thanks to the circumstances of 02, Ken managed to avert Menoa’s fate and ended up following his own way. Nevertheless, Ken was largely robbed of a normal kid’s childhood up until the age of eleven, and it stands to reason that, even at the age of nineteen, he might still be trying to make up for all of those fun experiences he never was able to have.

Funny thing about his haircut, too -- this isn’t the first time Ken’s had this haircut, actually. You know when was the last known time he did?

Hm. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

But unlike Menoa, who decided that it would be better to trap herself in her own distorted view of what “childhood” is, or Oikawa, who ended up clinging dearly to the last reminder he had of what he’d lost from his childhood, Ken ends up dealing with it in a very forward-facing manner. In fact, he’d elucidated his feelings on the issue back in Spring 2003:

There are still a lot of times when I think about how I should have “done this back then.” But I discovered that there are many things I can do over afterwards. I’ll stop counting the things that I can’t do. Because I’m sure there are many things that I can do.

Instead of living in regrets about the past, Ken simply chooses to move forward by making new fun experiences and memories with his friends, befitting those he couldn’t have when he was a kid, and perhaps even enhanced by his newfound freedom as a nineteen-year-old.

During the final battle, we get a few more emotional and assertive shows from Ken -- his concern about Miyako is pretty frantic-sounding, and the fact he steps in so quickly and frantically to help her out by his own will is pretty impressive. And then he definitively declares that they can’t afford to give up -- which is certainly in line with the nobility he had even during 02, but remember when, even in DSB, Daisuke had to be the one to remind him of this? Now he’s the one reassuring his teammates about this, all on his own. When it all comes down to it, his sense of awareness of what he wants and what he wants to do is stronger than ever.

I mentioned in my analysis of Kizuna in relation to 02 that the 02 kids are in a fairly unique position in the movie, thanks to having already practically gone through a lot of the lessons in both 02 and Kizuna, thus leading them to become very lacking in susceptibility to potentially losing their partners anytime soon (and in fact are deliberately portrayed as such). I would say of all of them, Ken is the most representative of this -- being such a direct foil to the movie’s main antagonist, one who actually came dangerously close to making some of the exact same mistakes she did and emerged with his own trauma as a result, the lessons and warnings imparted by the movie are already deeply embedded in his being.

He’s one of the most openly affectionate and intimate with his partner, having already learned the very, very hard way of what happens when you don’t treasure your partner properly. (He’s taking Wormmon jogging with him, which has got to be an awfully uncomfortable setup, but, goddammit, he’s gonna make it work. And if ~With~ is to be believed, he’s been doing this for years now.) He’s still got a Dark Seed in the back of his neck as an eternal reminder to remember who he is, and to acknowledge the love from his family and friends around him instead of succumbing to arbitrary societal expectations. Remember what I said in my earlier analysis about the true reason for partnerships dissolving, and how deeply it was tied to throwing yourself away for the sake of arbitrary standards of adulthood? Ken’s experiences and extremely painful trauma are like a giant do not do this stamp on his face, and although everyone in this cast is naturally human and may have ups and downs or relapses, Ken is possibly one of the last characters one could imagine succumbing to that kind of mistake again.

So we make it to the epilogue, and although Ken’s technical job title as given in the epilogue is literally “police officer” (keisatsukan), his form of dress (plainclothes, not uniform) and his the Character Complete File indicate he’s from the Digimon Special Investigations Unit (tokusoubu), or, in other words, he’s actually a public-servant detective. (So no, the various dubs also going with “detective” are thus not “changes” in this respect.) In short, he investigates scenes of crimes after they happen, and the Character Complete File provides an example in the form of him investigating a dead body found at the river.

This is probably why Kizuna has him major in psychology, because forensic psychology would be a pretty useful skillset for this kind of job, and a university education in general would most certainly be helpful. (The job requirements as per the Japanese system also require a very high level of athleticism and aptitude.) On the other hand, considering what we know about Ken up to Kizuna, there aren’t any indications that he treated this like any kind of major aspiration, and the psychology major makes you think he might have just fallen into this career by a series of accidents -- he took an interest in psychology (and mental health) due to his own experiences, and then decided that “discovering the truth behind things” was up his alley (much like Iori). Even more notably, his position isn’t really described in any history-making terms, not even ones like being “the first” of anything (like Jou), and it feels like he’s doing this to contribute to society in a way he prefers more than he’s trying to accomplish anything world-shattering.

But on the flip side, it’s probably no coincidence that the 02 epilogue portrays him with such a big family. Of course, it also fits with his and Miyako’s family backgrounds (they’d probably want their kids to have siblings, given their own experiences), but since the Dark Seed was described as having its effects countered by acknowledging how much you’re loved, Ken is clearly surrounded by love -- his wife is one of the most openly affectionate people out there, and his kids (or at least his middle child) use the same “Mama” kind of affectionate language Ken shared with his own parents. Once the events of 02 came to a close at the end of 2002, Ken went on a journey of discovering his own self-assertion, personal desires, and fun -- shedding the expectations and societal standards others had of him, and learning to enjoy life in ways he personally enjoys, for his own sake.

[pagingevilspawn]

Loving You Is A Losing Game- chapter four

hii! okay, before this chapter begins, i wanna say i’m actually pretty proud of it? idk why, but i am. and also, this book probably won’t be updated for about 2-4 weeks. 

i really wanted to focus this past week on writing, but i had finals to study for and everything so it took up a lot of time (i say as i watch criminal minds) but yeah, i’m hoping to get a lot of writing done in the next two weeks since today was my last day of school. yay! 

without further ado, chapter four of loving you is a losing game! 

~*~

"i'm afraid of what i am, my mind feels like a foreign land"

~*~

alex walked with robbins down the hallway, the blonde reciting her speech for the third time that day, looking to the resident for approval, her eyes silently asking him for any feedback he might have. she wasn't normally nervous about these kinds of things, but she felt that the fact that she was speaking to med students held a greater responsibility. these students were the future of medicine. they hadn't experienced the loss of a patient yet, or the crying sobs of parents when they had to be told that their child didn't make it.

the med students were... bright and shiny. they saw everybody in a higher place in their careers as practical gods. so, while she still had the chance, she wanted to root into all of these young minds that no matter what anyone said, peds was hardcore. it wasn't 'babysitting' like she had heard so many of the residents and interns call it.

peds was undoubtedly the hardest specialty. maybe not skill wise, but definitely emotionally. only the people with grit could survive peds. they worked on kids. maybe that meant that there was an everlasting sea of hope surrounding the patients, where they still were able to believe that the magic the doctors gave them could make them better.

but, it was known for a fact that losing a kid was worse than losing any grown adult.

a young life, taken from the word much too soon. it was cruel. so, so cruel. what had this young person done to have its life taken away? what about all the horrible people in the world who walked around free, living their lives? the rapists, the killers... why did they get to still be on the earth while a tiny human wasn't. it was messed up.

but that's why peds was tough.

because, while losing a kid was probably the worst feeling for a surgeon to go through, a success was so much more appreciated when it was one. the fact that they saved a person who had barely even got to live their life yet was the reason why arizona became a pediatric surgeon. because of what she was able to do, this person would get to grow up, fall in love, make bad choices, do things they knew for a fact they would regret later on. and that was truly all she could really ask for.

she was starting to see it in alex too, the peds glow. she didn't want to admit it out loud, for she knew that he would let the cocky part of him show and give her a well thought out retort. but lately, she'd been watching him, realizing that he was indeed serious about peds, that it wasn't just a lame middle school dare that he arranged with his fellow residents.

she saw the way his face would light up when a kid would say 'dr. alex!' so excitedly as he entered a room. she watched how he would spend time getting to know his patients, so that way they would have something to talk about later on if it was necessary. she was starting to see that maybe, just maybe, alex would make a fine peds surgeon.

"so..." she trails off, looking at the man expectantly, not missing the way he looked distracted as he kept his gaze on his feet.

he looks up, giving her a reassuring nod. "it's great robbins." he said sincerely, making her let out a relieved breath. she knew how honest karev could be, it was both a strength and a fault. he always told things as they were and didn't sugarcoat anything. if he thought something was crappy, he would literally tell you, "it's crappy," and that was something she appreciated.

she casts a worrying glance over him, his head hung low as the look in his eyes seemed to show that he was somewhere else. "you okay?" she asks.

he nods, snapping back to reality "yeah. just thinking."

"well, you know what you need to do right? you're like my assistant alex. click the computer's button when i need the next slide, interject when i ask you to..." she trails off, praying that he wouldn't mess this up.

alex gives her a signature glare, a bit offended that the blonde was doubting his abilities. "of course i can. a twelve year old could do it." he retorts.

she gives in, "fine." she walks down the hall faster, not even waiting for the man to catch up to her before she enters through the auditorium's doors, settling in the wings backstage.

it was a few minutes later when arizona is introduced, him trailing behind her like an obedient little puppy as she stands by the podium and microphone.

"hi everyone! i'm dr. arizona robbins from seattle grace hospital," she starts in a chipper voice, already managing to wake up most of the somehow tired students. "and this," says, pointing over to the man at her right, "is my mentee, dr. alex karev."

the man grins at the words, a sense of pride coming over him. the blonde and never used that term on him before and he wasn't going to lie, he really liked the sound of it.

"alex?" she nods towards him, telling him to introduce himself. he makes his way up to the mic, adjusting it slightly so it would reach him better, since the blonde was much shorter than him.

he takes a breath, trying to calm the nerves building in his stomach. he'd always been too cocky and arrogant for his own good, though it was all just an act. talking in front of all these wide eyed med students was honestly a bit terrifying. he pulls himself together quickly, mustering up one of his famous smirks as he looks into the crowd. "hey, i'm  dr. alex karev, third year surgical resident at seattle grace, interested in pediatrics. i train under dr. robbins." he explains (incredibly) lamely, but was glad it seemed to be enough, since all the students looked satisfied with his answer.

arizona takes the mic again, starting a speech that he had heard a few times by now, but it had never failed to give his heart another strong tug towards specializing in pediatrics. "peds is hardcore." she starts, using the phrase he had heard so many times in the last three months. "don't let anyone tell you otherwise." she smiles, looking back towards alex with a knowing look in her eyes.

"to most of the people in this room, when you think of peds, you think of kids with runny noses and cuts on their forehead because they fell off the slide at the park. am i right?" she asks, making most of the students in the audience nod.

"you see yourselves as being babysitters, babysitters for tiny humans. well let me tell you, you can't be further from the truth."

"in peds, we save the lives of children. we help kids grow up, achieve their dreams. sure along the way there's the added bits of magic and joy, but it's not always sunshine and rainbows." she says, not missing how some students look down guiltily. "some people immediately want to go into peds when they start their internship. they think that working with cute little kids would be so amazing and working with them would be a breeze, well, they're wrong.

"peds is only for the hardcore. the elites. many people aren't strong enough for peds. some can't deal with losing kids as easily as they thought they could. losing kids takes a major toll on you. we ask ourselves all the time -when we see stuff in the news or online- what did these kids do to deserve the hand they got? they're just kids. why did they get shot the jerk of a man who lives next door?"

it was only the start of her speech -that had multiple parts-, but alex knew she already had everyone hooked.

"losing kids is something you never get over. don't think that losing a kid gets easier every time it happens. in fact, sometimes it's just worse. because you feel guilty. you feel guilty at the fact that you couldn't save this child. you feel guilty at the fact that you couldn't save their life..." she pauses for a second, looking over at alex, letting him know it was his turn to speak. "and now i'm going to hand it over to doctor karev." he was still a bit newer to the world of surgery, so he remembered better what it was like to be a med student than she did.

alex takes a breath, going over the speech in his head. "losing a kid is nothing like losing an adult." he starts

"some of you think that it's the same, some of you think that it's drastically different. but the only real similarity is that someone didn't make it."

he scanned the crowd, proud at the fact that the audience seemed entranced by what he was saying.

"the first kid i lost i was in my fourth month of my internship. i had been on my third peds rotation, but hadn't had a loss yet, which is a bit surprising." he lets the memories flood through him, reliving it, feeling that pain in his heart.

"i remember the day like it was yesterday. i had a couple of free minutes -a major rare as an intern- so i lied down on a gurney, and started eating a bag of chips. a few minutes later i got paged to the trauma bay. it was a three car pile- up freeway. the first ambulance unloaded a woman, emily smith, a thirty three year old female, the second, james smith, a thirty five year old male, and the third was the one i took with my attending, four year old melissa smith."

he bites his bottom lip, knowing he had to be in control in his emotions. even three years later it still affected him the same way it did that day.

"melissa was a little chatter box, talking my ear off as we rolled her into a trauma room. talked about her dog named fluffy, her favorite barbie movie, -princess and the pauper-, and even told me about her new toy horse 'shiny sparkles mchoof the third'. don't know where she got "the third" from but..." he trials off, earning some laughs from the audience.

he smiles his crooked grin, feeling a little bit more at ease. "melissa was strong. real strong. she had a broken arm and leg, not to mention, a lot of internal bleeding, and yet she only shed a couple tears. she was too excited to talk about fluffy and how she taught him how to roll over earlier that week."

"i thought melissa was gonna be okay. i thought 'she's talking, she's laughing, she'll make it'. i learned that day that you can't assume things." he says, glancing down towards the podium for a quick second.

"melissa didn't survive surgery. my attending had me break the news to the parents, which i found stupid because i was just the intern who was supposed to send them updates, but i did it anyways."

alex lets out a shuddering breath, the students in the seats sitting at the edge of them, feeling the hurt of the story as if they were there themselves.

"telling family member's that their brother or mom or dad or whatever didn't survive already sucks. but telling a parent that their kid... their child didn't make it? it's terrifying." it still hurt him to this day. these children were their flesh and blood, products of their love for one another, how do you just simply tell them that the person they loved most in this world was gone?

"melissa fought during surgery. she fought tooth and nail, but unfortunately, it just wasn't enough. but how are you supposed to tell that to a parent? it's hard, because as a part of peds, you need to be good with parents as well."

he inhales sharply through his nose, letting a thin breath through his nose. "the cries i heard from the parents that day made me want to quit." he tells the crowd honestly, making them widen their eyes. "i'd lost patients before that and it hurt like hell. but the day i told the smith's that we lost melissa... it seriously made me question my idea of being a surgeon."

"losing a child is something you never get over, whether you're a parent like the smith's, or just a doctor like me and dr. robbins, losing a kid is not something you aren't able to just move on from, even if -like i said- you're just their doctor."

his eyes glance over the crowd, surprised to see tears in a few of the student eyes. 'that's a bit weird', he thinks. "i wasn't lying when i said that i questioned my career as a surgeon after melissa. i was seriously considering quitting."

"but after a while of brooding, i decided that i wasn't going to quit. if anything, i was going to try my hardest to make sure that kids like melissa wouldn't have to go through the same thing, that's when i got interested in peds actually, but the attending i had at the time was..." he makes a face, trying to refrain himself was saying 'dick', "not my favorite. so, it wasn't until more recently when i got the opportunity to explore pediatrics again."

he sucks in a breath, "all of you guys right now look terrified." he says, speaking the truth, everyone in their seats looked like a cross between they'd just seen a ghost and someone told them their dog had died. "and you're probably wondering why the hell i just said thing that would make you want to do the exact opposite then go into peds." alex says, causing the crowd to nod.

he chuckles softly, "well, all of you guys should be upset, you should be terrified, because that's what peds is. you're terrified every second of every day. but only the best, like dr. robbins, are truly able to handle that kind of pressure."

alex cracks a small grin, " so long story short... if you're a wuss, don't go into peds."  the audience laughs and starts to clap as arizona makes her way back to the podium, going into the next part of her speech.

____

they can feel their eyes on each other, the fires in their stomachs growing from the stolen, forbidden glances. it was so wrong of them to be thinking about the night before. wrong to feel like it was what they had been waiting their whole lives for.

how he touched her...

how she touched him...

they way their bodies melded so perfectly together, like two puzzle pieces seemingly snapping into place.

somehow along the way they had inched closer to each other, going from opposite sides of the room to a mere ten feet away. she sipped her nearly full vodka tonic slowly, a large comparison to the night before.

he drank his beer smoothly, only on his first bottle and not even halfway through it.

before they knew it their eyes were communicating, what could only be described as lust, desire, and wanting burning so intensely in them they could set a man on fire.

she reads his dark brown orbs, not even needing to look into them long before she knows what he's thinking, and she knows her eyes are reading the same thing too.

they can feel the guilt through their stares. they were trying so hard not to, resisting so fiercely. tugging themselves away from the pull that was trying to bring them together. they tried to put last night behind them, convince themselves it wasn't as breathtaking as they remembered. they tried to push it into their brains, tucking into a small sealed box in the corner to never be seen again.

lust

passion

romance

they feel it oozing from their bodies, pouring out of single a stare, no matter how hard they try not to. they try to tear their eyes away from each other, oh i promise you, they try to peel their eyes away, they try not to think about it.

he doesn't try to think of her silky skin and the way it smelled like vanilla.

she doesn't try to think of  the vibration he sent through her body then he groaned into her mouth.

but they just do.

he can't help the way he thought of her lips and how they tasted like a cherry red lollipop.

she can't help the way she thought about how his lips tasted like spearmint gum... so fresh, so god damn sexy.

they knew that they couldn't, that they shouldn't.

but the heart wants what the heart wants. and their heart? all their hearts wanted was for them to let the waves of pleasure flow through their body again, which only came from each other, nobody else.

nobody has made him feel the way she did. not the countless number of nurses, interns, coworkers, and previous classmates. not even his own wife.

nobody had ever made her feel the way he did. not any previous ex-boyfriends, not a couple random hot-as-fuck one night stands. not even her own husband.

so, somehow, without even knowing it, they ended up where they were now, an abandoned hallway on the seventh floor where he was staying, lips locked in the fiery throes of passion.

gasps escaped her lips heavily as she feels a wave of ecstasy roll over her, even more so than the night before. turns out kissing each other was even better sober than drunk.  

he tries his hardest to keep his groans at bay, but the way her hands are roaming his chest, just barely skimming his pants, makes it more than difficult.

before they are about to step into the room she pulls back unexpectedly, giving him a perfect view of her red swollen lips and slightly disheveled hair. "we shouldn't" she whispers softly, her eyes telling a completely different story than the words coming out of her mouth.

"we shouldn't" he agrees, his voice the same as hers.

"it's wrong."

"really wrong."

her eyes bore into his, trying so hard to pull away, but she can't, like some magnetic force is keeping her gaze from wandering anywhere but his deep brown and green eyes.

"we're married." she speaks, sigh falling from her lips heavily as she licks them, savoring the taste of them. they tasted like him.

"we're married." he repeats.

"to other people."

"to other people." he breathes, just the sound of his voice making her heart rate pick up.  

she lets out a loud sigh, fighting every internal battle. her head telling her it was wrong. but her heart telling her that nothing was more right. "screw it." she says so softly he almost misses it.

he doesn't even have time to comprehend her words before he feels her lips of his.

and that's how they came together for the second time, it being even more earth shattering than the last.

the first time they could blame it on the alcohol.

but the second time...?

the second time was all them.

[kurtty-drabbles]

Pirate au Redone

N/A: I´m thinking about certain arcs and ALL its bad implications and while I did make a Pirate au that involves SCPs and Lovecraftian shit, but, let´s try a different approach here. I want to make Ray the main antagonist here because frankly, she has every reason to be angry with Jean. Now, you´ll ask me "Oh you´ll make Ray be extra evil to Kurt since you hate this ship very much?" plot twist: NO. To me, Kurt is nothing to Ray, and it is not worth to think about it.  I´m taking some pieces of some arcs Marvel created and tossed around...every action has consequences.

@dannybagpipesarecalling @djinmer4 @bamfoftheundead @everykurt

In space, no one can hear your scream. In space, time is everlasting as is equally cold and Rachel Grey is cover by the Pheonix Force -eyes closed burning the last remnant of the Hound that Cassandra Cain tried, feverishly Rachel recalls, to implant on her mind again- and opens her eyes slowly as her fingers itch on her glove as she´s motilities her fingers till reach her temple.

Can you hear me now?

Her face frown as her lips remain in a thin line for long as her fingers shiver slightly along with her eyes who is shimmering with the fire is so associated with herself and, of course, with her mother.

Rachel Grey Summers. Can you hear me?

"I can hear you. I can feel you...Pheonix...who else would still bother to speak with me!" Rachel exclaims now shouting using her mind and own voice-it makes no difference when you´re an Omega telepath or a Summers- and her eyes continue to reflect her inferno.

There´s no more trace of Hound in your mind, Rachel...Cassandra´s machination is no more. You can feel your mind and memories intact.

Rachel tsk louder and shake her head as her breath heaven got heavy and her mind is miles away remembering her childhood-a time before the grimy tales her adulthood still clings and loathes so much- and recalls her mother, the real one, mention how her hair shines ''like fire, just like mine'' she recalls her father calling her kiddo (both Scott call her like that and is haywire the memories and feelings)

"Pheonix...did you curse me?" she asked with anger with her eyes twisted as her face is matching her inner turmoil- she stops breathing heavy as she recalls the few moments kid Rachel meet Kate and Frank in a nice and normal day- and asks again. "Are you using me to punish Jean Grey? Scott Summers? Humanity? Because...if so, your plan is failing...I´m not that special to make Jean suffer and ..." she stops speaking as her lips twists upside down and her fire is gone. "She´s not my mother as she let very clear"

Rachel...I´d not hate you...If I did...you wouldn´t be here.

"Fantastic...so, I´m just the punching bag...do you hate gay mutants?" Rachel jokes humorless as her chuckle is dry and she only stops when she tastes her tears.

No, child. I feel no hate for one´s sexuality. And I´m here to offer you a deal. A nice deal and one you deserve.

"Sure you don´t want to make deals With Nate Grey?" her tone is rugged and whatever she wanted to say-and she wants to say more. She knows and Pheonix knows- a version of Jean Grey appears to dry her tears in a fashion Ray´s mom used to do to a small Ray.

"Nate is not my host. Nate is not the one I´m close...I was your mother...yes" Pheonix states calmly before Rachel promptly mentions some of her mistakes. "I did some mistakes in the past and I know you and I love you. I´m your mother...notwithstanding of my mistakes and I want to make amends with you, Rachel Grey Summers" Pheonix clarifies gentle and such tone is almost similar to the Mother of Everything. Almost.

"What is happening on Earth?" Rachel looks down at the Earth below her feet without a smile or shines in her eyes. "Are they looking for me?" her tone is almost childlike. Almost.

"Nate Grey went insane and create a pocket dimension...uhum" Pheonix explains and rubs her chin-Pheonix likes to feel her bodies no matter the situation as she loves her original form - and speaks in an amused tone. "Zaorva did something much better...I could show you Earth 34. It is a real paradise and everyone respects each one culture" Rachel is not interested in this Earth and Pheonix is not offended. "Nate creates this world where he does minds controlled a large group of X-men where love and sex are forbidden and well...Kurt Wagner is a weapon to rape Meggan Puceanu" Pheonix explains bored.

"What? Can you explain this to me?" Rachel asked curious at this. "Can he do this?" as her eyes are solely focused on Pheonix.

"Yes, and with a group of other mutants who held a secret sex club and even create a fake daughter to Kurt. Apocalypse is resurrected by Nate as well and is now acting as buddies with Kitty and is about to kiss her...uhm" she humms amused again. "Her mind is a bit stronger as she´s questioning this fake reality a little...that´s impressive!" Pheonix concludes.

"No one is...talking about me?" She asked in watery eyes. "They speak about mutants rights and they completely forget about me...and my trauma again" she sniffs and a memory of little Ray hiding in a corner to cry until her father finds her and offers a doll to appease the lil Ray.

"If it serves consolation...no one will hear or care for Meggan´s trauma...oh, now they defeat Nate...and yes, no one will talk about this or what truly happens. The X-men will pretend this never exist!" Pheonix states calmly caress Ray´s short hair- is now flammable and similar to the Pheonix- as the woman is blocking the memories of a distant past.

"You´re not here to rub this on my face...So, what deal do you want to take with me?"

"Revenge, my dear. It is not something I usually seek, but, I´m more than happy to offer my help in this case...they offended you. They offended me" she states recalling ''no more Pheonix'' and Rachel is silent as Pheonix sweat the deal. "I can promise that Jean Grey, not your mother, will never ignore you"

Rachel´s eyes glow in the same fire as Pheonix and she raises her hand. "We humans when we make a deal we shake hands" and Pheonix offer her hand amused and impressed by the gesture. A sultry smile plays on Pheonix's face and is mirroring by Rachel.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The aftermatch of Nate´s betray and timeless demise hits the news strongly- the news is slipt in two ways ''the X-mean are out heroes'' or ''the x-men are the worst'' - and the Avengers´s fans wonder why the Avengers weren´t there.

A strong hand stomp on the round table firmly enough and causing a loud sound that prompts the others to listen to the one who did cause the noise. "A mutant was that powerful?! How we had no idea...and once again, that mutant is linked to Scott Summers again..." and Tony Stark looks to Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver with penetrating eyes.

Pietro is ready to defend his sister, but, she gentle hold his arm and offers a political smile- Wanda is the one who knows how to play the game. Pietro, while looking like Magneto, has no patience to do any revolution or manipulation- and this holds him back for now.

"And what you want us to do, Tony?" Wanda asked feigning innocence as her eyes land on Cap Marvel for a moment who is looking away - is possible to see her lips trembling for a few moments- "the Avengers let clear they won´t help the X-men ever and I think...everyone recall when I went..." she pauses for a moment. "what´s the kind word you use against me? Oh right, I was crazy with power...so, should I just go and say no more...." she blinks at him ignorantly and Tony sighs.

"You have a point!" and adds. "Plus...Nate Grey is dead...I just wonder about those mutants who are too powerful...how can we trust him"

"Geez Tony, thank you, why you don´t say you don´t like Jews and Romani but say we´re special" Pietro states in a barked tone.

"You seem to forget we´re mutants...mutants that have a hate-hate relationship with Magneto, but, still mutants...and if you´re so anti-X-men and so anti-mutant...maybe we, the mutants" Wanda speaks rosing from the chair along with her brother. "should leave and form our group," she said that looking at her twin´s eyes who nods in agreement.

"Wait, I didn't mean..." too late as Quicksilver takes Wanda and both are gone in a blink of an eye.

Thor, who was watching cat videos and ignoring some of the tension of this meeting, put the cellphone down and speaks. "Nice Tony, now we lost our speedster and the most powerful Avenger ever. So...to top that off, I´ll be back to Asgard ...Enchantress and I have things to do there and Loki is behind this"

Cap Marvel didn´t leave but didn´t show any support to Tony Stark.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Kitty Pryde is on the beach watching the waves. Something is soothing in watching the formation of a wave, its wavelength, and how the salty water touches the sand. She hears someone teleport and offers a smile as she turns her head around to see Magik with booze in her hands.

"Yana, you´re a terrible influence!" Kitty jokes as she accepts the booze and drinks as Yana is looking at everything but Kitty.

"Wanna make jokes about how Kurt is a slut?" Yana suggests and the cut look she received proves this is not a great idea. "Sorry, it is just I´m not good at cheering people up. That was your thing...I just want to know how are you?" Yana asks now gazing into Kitty´s eyes. A bit puffy and Kitty´s not hiding her fear.

"I´m feeling so many things Yana. Fear, anger, regret, jealousy, pity, and love all laced in one confusing mess...when my life became like this? I almost marry Piotr" she makes a nasty face. "Sorry"

"I get it...you two are not compatible and I´m glad you didn´t marry him either"

"And after this whole mess...Excalibur is more than dead!"

"Yeah...I heard Psylocke mentioning this...Meggan is physically alright but uhm...I heard she´ll you know" Yana looks a bit uncomfortable and is looking for the right words. "let´s say she wants to close her fabric to prevent anything...after what Nate forced her to endure"

"That´s a big step and if she wants that...is in her right"

"And you?"

"And that´s what scares me, Yana...I have no idea"

[gaiamarie]

(Note: this was written on 4/29/20. Due to the civil unrest brought on by the oppression of my people (Black Americans) it’s taken me a little longer to post it.)

I been wrong predicting a situation exactly once in my life.

I said Barack Obama would never become President. I said it because I was young and scared. I wanted it to happen so bad, but feared our racist ass country wouldnt be able to pull through.

I....know things. My intuition is spot on, all the fucking time. It’s unnerving if I spend too long thinking about it. It’s depressing if I spend too long thinking about it.

It causes my anxiety to be off the charts. The trauma of knowing what the fuck is going to happen and not be able to do anything about it is....immense. Everlasting. Oppressive. Part of me.

And you’d think “What’s the big deal?” Right? A lot of people have good intuition. I’d be inclined to agree with you except I keep having run-ins with the dead. And I’m always right about them, too.

I read once that shamans were people who encountered death frequently. I laughed when I read it. I’m familiar with Death. I found my grandmother dead, and watched as they brought her back to life just barely enough for us to say goodbye. I was there when my grandfather died. And my aunt. And....tbh, I’m starting to lose count. How fucked up is that? I feel like a Witness, destined to stand in the shadows and watch loved ones cross to the other side. I feel like the Grim Reaper.

(Pets are funny. As I’ve sat here emotionally typing this my fat grey cat has appeared from nowhere to begin purring at my feet. His magic is working because I’m beginning to feel a bit better.)

Today I’m struggling. Earlier yesterday morning (or perhaps the day before, time is blurring) I felt a sudden sharp emotional increase. It was painful. A large group was suffering or so it seemed. It shook me but I ignored it, chalking it up to the moon being in Cancer.

I got the call at 4:30. They were furloughing myself along with thousands of others. The pain resonated.

For the past 10 years, my gifts have shifted from retro cognition to precognition. I should have learned by now that these emotional spikes were of things to come, not what had been. I guess a part of me has always been in denial. Anyone who tells you being a psychic or an empath is fun is full of shit.

[kimvvantae]

Umbra; 9

➜   being ruled by an ancient commandment, your sole purpose is to serve. you were born to protect the king with your life, tied by an everlasting oath; you are nothing but a shadow, a silent and insignificant being. he appears to you like the sun, the warmest and brightest star in the sky, and gives you a chance to live. it is then that your entire universe starts to orbit around this sun, and you decide that you are truly willing to die for him.

pairing: King!Taehyung x (f) hybrid!reader

genre: royalty au, fantasy, angst  

warnings: descriptions of violence, blood, death, mistreatment and abuse that might be triggering especially on this chapter.

word count: 11.3k oh wow

A/N: I will repeat it here because some people seem to ignore the warnings. I tried to make things as brief as possible, but this chapter in special contains a particular scene that might be a trigger. I know that even the tiniest mention can make some people uncomfortable, so I’m warning you again. If you have any issue or trauma regarding abuse, proceed with caution. If you are sure that even the lightest mention might trigger you, I advise you to simply jump past Y/N’s flashback. Although the scene does not contain any explicit description and it’s not heavy at all, I don’t want to trigger anyone. 

enjoy uwu.

➜  Chapters: check up masterlist in bio!

“It means I’ll be able to buy dresses, brother?”

Yoongi huffed, however he had a big gummy smile on his lips – a rare sight. “Chuu, you’ll be able to buy much more than just dresses.”

The girl let a high pitched, excited scream at this.

I watched with a small smile, sat a little far from them. The entire palace was euphoric that morning – and not because of the presence of Vanaheim’s Princess.

The announcement of the new work-policy has just been released.

Posts were glued on walls all over the service area, and even at the kitchen. Superiors were deemed to explain the entire situation clearly. Slowly, each servant – worker; this is how everyone should be called from now on – received a document showing their exact monthly payment according to their task. Also, the superiors had to explain (between gritted teeth) that no moral abuse or physical punishment would be tolerated, and if they wanted to keep their jobs they would have to act accordingly.

The palace was smiles everywhere.

It was barely nine in the morning, but the service area was a mess - in a good way. I heard people saying how they could be able to sustain their families now, how they could have a better life or remodel their houses, or even how they would be able to finally open their own businesses and be free from the palace. The usual quiet and serious palace was now exultant.

I looked at Yoongi and Chuu. The catman seemed slightly dizzy, as if he still couldn’t believe his eyes. Chuu was just laughing and rambling about all the pretty dresses she would buy. I looked at the shiny breaded bracelet on her wrist, which I gave her just a few days ago – and she loved it immediately.

Well... it wasn’t exactly my gift, but I hadn’t told her yet exactly who gave it.

Someone sat quietly by my side. I crossed my arms.

“I told you His Majesty is good.”

Jungkook sat there in silence, not looking at me. He watched the commotion around us. His dark eyes showed some confusion.

“How do you know he did it himself?” He asked suspiciously.

“He showed me the entire document before anyone else. It was really him.”

The rabbit-boy crossed his arms and looked at me with narrowed eyes. “Why would he show you first? Aren’t you his guardian or something?”

I could see the word “slave” passing through his mind. “He treats me like a normal person. That’s all.”

Jungkook still eyed me suspiciously. Being honest, as much as I wanted to defend Taehyung from him, I also couldn’t blame him or think he was wrong. I didn’t even need to feel auras to notice how Jungkook had deep wounds - not physical ones. I could see in his eyes, how he seemed to be angry all the time, how he barely interacted with anyone. That was a young man that learned to not trust people through pain.

I stared at him in silence for some moments.

“What’s your story, Jungkook?”

The rabbit-boy seemed even more suspicious. “Why do you want to know?”

“I want to understand you,” I said in all honesty.

Just like what I did with Yoongi, I wanted to hear Jungkook’s story. I wanted to know what lead everyone into their current feelings. Only knowing what happened with others I would be able to find out what was right or wrong.

At first, I thought Jungkook would just ignore my ask. He was erratic, difficult to approach. However, I finally noticed: he respected me. It was a mix between admiration and fear, I could tell – he knew what I am and what I can do.

It was odd. No one never feared me. In the Royal Guard, although based on the hierarchy I was just behind the General, everyone else treated me like I was in the lowest ranking. No one never displayed any kind of respect towards me, and fear was unthinkable. I was just a shadow after all...

Although I could kill all of them if I wanted. I was aware of this fact, too.

It was quite an interesting perspective.

Jungkook sat there in silence for some moments, jaw clenched. His aura felt like fire all the time – unsettled and angry. It was sad that Jungkook felt like this, because I could see that deep down, he was a good, sweet person. However, his wounds had calloused him.

I wanted to know his wounds.

“I was born as a free hybrid,” he started, voice quiet yet suppressed with a mix of anger, sadness and guilt. I could see that it was difficult for him to speak, as if there were spikes on his throat, yet he was making effort. It surprised me. How much Jungkook actually trusted me? It didn’t make much sense, since we barely knew each other. Maybe Jungkook has been alone for so long that having someone to at least sympathize with was what he needed to finally trust again. “My parents were free. We were poor, but we were happy. I didn’t know things such as pure-human supremacy back then... that is, until humans burned my village to ashes. All the adults were killed and the children were enslaved.”

Shock took over me as I heard these words. I stared at him, watched the turmoil that was his aura. The way he said that... even though he still felt pain, he was so used to it that he couldn’t even bring himself to show any reaction anymore. The pain and sadness had anesthetized him, putting him into a state of inertia. I could tell this young man hadn’t cried in a long, long time.

He was cold in the outside.

But just in the outside. His aura showed me his constant state of angriness. Jungkook was like a cursed rock; he could explode anytime.

And it was scary how I could sympathize with it.

“I have a younger sister. Her name is Heejin.” he continued, voice quiet. “We were sold to different people back then. I spent years searching for her.”

“And did you find her?” I asked hesitantly, afraid of his answer but at the same time hopeful.

Jungkook nodded and looked down to his hands resting on his lap. “I did. But... she is not the same.” He closed his eyes for a moment, as if having an ugly, painful memory. “The things she suffered, the things they did to her... it killed her inside out.”

We stayed in a solemn silence for some moments. I could imagine very well what his untold words meant. Jungkook was different from me and Yoongi: he knew the pain of loss. He already lost everything he once had, yanked from his grip at an innocent age. I didn’t understand the pain of loss. Death was nothing more than a natural happening to me. I didn’t know what it was to lose family. All dragon hybrids have little to no contact with their progenitors or any kind of information about them. I did not know my father, and my mother died giving birth – like most female dragon hybrids die.

There was a reason why so little female dragons existed.

And it also made me remember of something important that has been bothering me...

“Jungkook,” I called after some moments, trying to formulate my sentence in the most delicate way possible. “The other day, you said that your parents used to tell you things about dragons... why is that?”

It was yet another thing that made no sense. Everyone knew about The Dark Years. Everyone knew what my race did in the past. Why would his parents tell him good things such as “mighty and powerful” about us?

Jungkook looked at me, eyebrows set. His gaze darkened. Although he couldn’t hide his emotions well, in that moment I was not able to understand what his gaze meant.

And what he said next just made me more confused.

“That was the reason they died.”

I was willingly avoiding Taehyung.

It was a nearly impossible task, yet I still tried. Differently from my behavior these past months, I was covering my presence with extra care. Of course, since he could feel me through our connection using the Royal Ring, Taehyung always knew when I was near or not, but it didn’t make me stop avoiding him. I would leave the exact second my duty ended, vanishing from his presence as fast as I could. Just a few weeks ago, I would stay around him, trying to make excuses just to have a few more minutes with him...

I couldn’t do that anymore.

Being with Taehyung hurt me way too much.

I did not understand why he came to my room that night. I did not understand what the things he said meant; I did not understand why he looked at me that way, why he was so close. I simply did not understand.

But there was something I could finally understand very well:

My feelings for him were too deep.

It was more than respect and admiration. I wanted to be close to him in a way a guardian shouldn’t even consider. But I had reached a point where I didn’t care anymore about what a guardian should and should not. That inner war still happened inside of me: one side saw things with different eyes, while other side still held onto everything that was taught to me since birth. I couldn’t tell which side was winning the war.

At the same time I agreed that hybrids received an unfair treatment only in positions of subservience, me included, I couldn’t even think of leaving my guardian role. First, because it was the elves’ commandment; I, as a dragon hybrid, had an everlasting debt with the entire world, because of what my ancestors did millennia ago. Second, because Taehyung was good. He never mistreated me, never made me uncomfortable, never forced me into anything, never punished me. He showed me how freedom felt and what it was to care about more than just one person in my life.

The fact that he was so good to me was perhaps what made it hurt even more...

Yet, Taehyung was still a big mystery to me. I still didn’t know why he chose me as his guardian, why he was so adamant about it. Back then I would never question him, but I have changed. I wanted to know. I was tired of being blind and deaf, oblivious about the world around me.  

And in the end, thinking about him made me somehow angry. I was tired of him making me confused, and he never confused me as much as he did when he went to my room that night. He made me uneasy, he made feel pain, he made me sad. Taehyung was betrothed, however he still went to my room that night and stood so close. Why would he do it? Why would be so close to give me what I wanted and yanked it from me right after? Why would he make me feel like flying, just to make me fall and leave me there, crying on the cool floor?

That’s why I chose that the best for me was to stay away. I didn’t feel that Taehyung felt as affected as me because of this situation; he had Princess Sana, and he spent a lot of time with her, like his mother wished. I had to stand and watch. In these moments, I would do my best to simply ignore whatever they were talking about, whatever look they were giving each other. I paid attention to anything but them, even if it meant stare at a leaf of grass for hours straight or count every single tiny crystal that adorned a chandelier in the ceiling. I counted three thousand fifty hundred and two. Twice.

It was the worst psychological torture in existence.

“Even though he's gone, I feel that he's still controlling my life.” I kept remembering what he said that night. Now, I could understand: that was “the deal” he had with his father: in exchange of his freedom in which he traveled for six years, he promised to marry Princess Sana. He negotiated it. Taehyung wasn’t wrong, for his father was somehow still controlling his life even in death. He was put into this situation forcefully. But at the same time... I couldn’t forget what Queen Seojeon said:

Look at them, Yeri. How could they not fall for each other?

In the middle of all these chaotic emotions, I felt fear. Fear that, after every date, every dinner, every walk in the gardens, every touch and smile, they would fall for each other the way his mother said. They would start “liking” each other. Yes, that type of like.

I was afraid that Taehyung would completely forget about me.

He never even considered me this way in the first place.

I was slowly starting to hate that Princess Sana. I hated her beauty. I hated her perfect smile. I hated her smooth hair. I hated her delicacy and politeness. I hated that she could be with Taehyung the way I wanted to be.

And I learned one important thing about feelings: they hurt.  

I suddenly missed the times when my mind didn’t feel like an angry hurricane, when things were easier. They were monochromatic, but easier. I knew how to deal with simple physical pain, to ignore it, to shove it to the farthest corner of my mind; but no one never taught me how to deal with emotional pain. I was not trained for this.

I was also trained to avoid any kind of addiction, but chocolate was stronger than my training.

I munched the fourth chocolate cookie quietly, sat in the Orphanage’s kitchen. Of course, I didn’t come here to eat cookies – and I swear I tried to dismiss Zofia’s polite offer –, but the sweet scent was too much for me to bear. The woman looked more than happy to see me eating, and she wanted me to eat more.

Zofia was quite talkative, too. She was giving me random facts about Taehyung’s childhood for the past ten minutes. As if I wanted to think about him.

“Ah, but that boy is so strong,” she went on, a big smile on her face as she told me the story of when Taehyung and Jimin fell from the highest branch of a tree. “He didn’t even get a scratch. Taehyung is as healthy as a bull! I don’t remember a time when he fell sick!”

Jimin, sat beside me, narrowed his eyes at Zofia playfully. “Are you bashing me, mama? Just because I broke my arm that time and he didn’t?” he said, pretending to sound offended.

The woman laughed loudly and put her hand on Jimin’s shoulder. “Ah, of course not, Jimin! It’s just that Taehyung has a good health.”

“I always knew you preferred him. It’s because he’s the King now, isn’t it? You don’t love me more than him just because I’m a commoner?” Jimin whined, crossing his arms and pouting, but I could see it was all teasing.  

I watched as they argued-played with each other with a puzzled expression. Jimin treated Zofia as if she was his actual mother – well, she was, since he was raised in the Orphanage. It was heartwarming to see a human and a hybrid having such a loving relationship.

We heard the noise of something crashing in the living room. Zofia immediately turned around and yelled: “Mikasa! I told you to not climb the cabinet!”

She walked in that direction at heavy steps, while the whiny voices of children echoed towards us. Jimin laughed softly, watching the woman leave.

He then returned his gaze to me.

The way that man stared at people was almost as intense as Taehyung. Maybe they learned it with each other? I could tell Jimin was suspicious and somehow intrigued by me. He did not know what my relationship with Taehyung was. Yet, he chose to keep his questions unspoken – although I could see very well on his feline eyes what he thought.

“You really liked these cookies, huh?” he said, tilting his head slightly, a lazy smile on his plump lips. I also noticed how Jimin had this flirtatious attitude. It’s not as if he was suggesting anything with me – he was married – but it seems that flirting was such a natural behavior of him that he did it thoughtlessly. It was not with words, but with stares and movements instead. I was sure he could make anyone fall for him.

I would have fallen, too, if my insides didn’t feel like frost.

“I like chocolate,” I said, shrugging. Who cares about healthy diet? I, at least, didn’t care anymore.  

“Taehyung loves chocolate, too,” Jimin murmured.

And yes, I noticed very well the suggestive tone of his voice.

I decided to change the subject completely before he could say anything else, touching the paper in front of me. “So, are you sure these are all you found?”

Jimin nodded. “Yes. Seven wolf shapeshifters registered at the Tower. That’s all I found.”

I read yet again all the names and locations written on the paper. One of them should be the culprit – or at least I hoped so.  

“I still wonder why Taehyung didn’t ask for it himself, though...” Jimin murmured. I stared at him seriously.

“And you’ll keep wondering.”

Jimin laughed and shook his head slightly. “Ah, alright! I already understood you won’t tell me. But a man can imagine, can’t I?”

I shrugged again, shoving another cookie inside my mouth. The sweet taste was intoxicating.  

“Taehyung must be very busy with the Festival, right?” Jimin murmured, staring at nothing in particular. I nodded. That was partially the reason why I came here alone: the Dökkálfar Festivities would start the next day. Because of that, the Capital was already crowded.  

The Royal Wedding would be announced the next day, too, during the Festival’s opening.

I gulped the cookie almost painfully.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

Jimin sounded serious all of sudden, what made me look at him. His expression changed, and he approached me more, lowering his voice.

“I don’t even think I should be telling you this, but Taehyung seems to trust you, so that’s enough,” he continued, now catching my attention completely. He looked behind his shoulder for one second, checking if Zofia or any other kid was entering the kitchen, but we were alone. “There is this story going on... I think that every hybrid knows it at this point.”

“Say it already!” I rushed him, getting impatient.

“A rebellion,” Jimin said, looking at me very seriously. “I don’t know much about it, but what I heard is that this rebellion is made of hybrids. They want to start a coup d’état.”

I frowned. “That’s not new. There are hundreds or rebellions through the entire kingdom.”

“No, you didn’t understand. This is huge, Y/N.” The seriousness in his voice told me he definitely wasn’t playing. “It’s spreading, and most people that knows about it support them. They are tired of the Kim Dynasty, tired of the way hybrids are treated. I would even agree with them, but... they are aggressive. And they don’t know Taehyung, not the way we do. They don’t know he is a good person.”

A cold feeling made me shiver. Jimin was right; they didn’t know Taehyung. They probably thought he was just another evil King...  

“That’s all you know?” I asked. Jimin sighed.

“Yes, unfortunately. Most people know about it, but they are being very careful. I don’t know what exactly they are planning and how they’ll make it. But please, be careful. I don’t know if Taehyung knows about it or not, but make sure to warn him. I’ve seen rebellions before... but not on this level. Taehyung has to keep safe.”

I nodded vehemently, that strong feeling of discomfort and hurry growing within me. I couldn’t stay away from Taehyung. If what Jimin told me was true...

“But, Jimin... do you know what they will do after the coup d’état?” I questioned.

Jimin exhaled deeply. “What I heard is that they will put another person to rule Ëlv’en. Someone of their choice. The chosen one, is what they are saying. An informant of mine said it is the leader of the rebellion, but he didn’t know who this person is. What really matter is: this rebellion is not just a rumor, it is real. And Taehyung is in danger.”

Taehyung is in danger.

This phrase would not leave my mind for the next days.

As I left the Orphanage (after eating two more cookies), the paper carefully folded and hidden in my clothes, I felt my mind getting more and more troubled. What if the shapeshifter I was searching for was a part of this rebellion? Their first attack didn’t work, and now they would try again. I already suspected back then that a rebellion could be behind the attack. Maybe I was right?  

The only thing I was sure about is: I had to protect Taehyung more carefully than ever. I couldn’t rest now after this new information. And I also needed to visit each of these seven people in the list to make sure they were or were not the culprits.

I ran back to the palace as fast as I could. It was middle afternoon; the streets of the Capital were crowded, as it always happened this time of the year. The Dökkálfar Festival was one of the most important dates not only in Ëlv’en, but in the entire continent, when everyone thanked the dark elves for the good harvest and prayed that they would give us an even better one next year. The festivities would last for ten days.  

It was not hard to go unnoticed during the festival, when the city was so full. I expected I would be able to enter the palace again unnoticeably...

But I didn't.  

As I entered the great gates, General Namjoon was able to see me from far. He dismissed the soldiers he was talking to and walked towards me.  

I immediately stopped and saluted.

"Where were you, Guardian Y/N?" He asked in a demanding tone. I knew Namjoon never liked me. Whenever he was at the Capital, he tried to make it very clear. As if I didn't know already...

But I was also not in the mood to be questioned.

"As you may already know, Sir General, the work policy for hybrids has changed. Now, I don't need to ask permission to leave the palace's properties during my free time, just as I did now. Since I am not breaking any rule, I don't need to answer your question regarding my whereabouts. Now, excuse me, Sir General, for I need to go back to my duties."

I bowed respectfully before leaving, not even looking back.

I could almost feel General Namjoon's angry gaze on my back. I was used to it already...

Because he knew what happened that day with his predecessor. And, just like most members of the military, General Namjoon decided to simply hate me.

It was an ugly memory I would never be able to erase.

I have just turned one quarter of cycle.

In human age, it means I am around thirteen years old.

Being honest, my routine is so busy I always forget about my age. It is something rather irrelevant for a dragon hybrid; time crawls for us at a slow pace. Although the age of thirteen is a considerable age for humans, and in some cultures it means they can do things such as get married, for a dragon hybrid, I am still barely a baby. In another words, I am weak like a baby. But things will start to change now.

I had my first bleeding two months ago.

When I woke up and saw all that blood, I almost panicked. I did not understand it; perhaps someone wounded me in my sleep? But then, I had a brief memory from my trainings in Niflheim - a special class for me, the only female. Women have monthly bleeding cycles. It means that our bodies are starting to walk into adulthood.

I don't like it. I have to clean myself all the time, and I feel dirty. It is difficult to deal with it when I use my armor and embarrassing to explain to my superiors. I am surrounded by men almost all the time, none of them can understand me or give me any aid. And what came with the first bleeding was also shocking and sudden; even though I am a baby, my physique develops in the speed of a normal human's. I have noticed how I grew in height and... well, I grew everywhere. I already had to readjust my armor three times only this year, and my clothes are becoming short.

That is not the most intense transformation in me, though.

The bleedings mark the moment a girl starts to become a woman, when their bodies are adjusting to carry the miracle of life. For a female dragon hybrid, it means more.

It is the time when the powers fully flourish and become stronger.

I can't remember how many times I destroyed things unintentionally, when I wasn't even using much strength. Magic flows through my veins in such intensity it makes me dizzy. I have dreams all the time - strange dreams that I don't understand. Suddenly, I can feel the auras of everyone around me and hear their minds, even when I don't want to, and the sensation is maddening. My sole existence became so strong that, past week, the protective spells of the palace did not recognize me; they marked me as a dangerous threat and I was almost incinerated - but it didn't happen, because not even the spells the Royal Mages put were enough to hurt me.

I don't know how to deal with all this power. I can't sleep properly, I am afraid to hurt people. There is no one to help me, no one can understand me. I have to learn how to control all this power on my own...

But what if I can't? What if because of that, my master will judge me as useless or dangerous? I will never forgive myself if it happens.  

It couldn’t have happened in worst time. We are in the middle of the Dökkálfar Festivities; the city is crowded, streets so full it is difficult to walk, and as always, the Royal Family receives many visits. I am being extra careful not to mess up things. My master won’t forgive me if I end up hurting someone during this holy time of the year.

The presence of the army is heavy at the Capital, because the city is too packed and they came to help keeping the order as usual. It also explains the presence of General Matheo. I stand inside the room patiently, waiting for his arrival. I don’t know why the General has called me here – my immediate superior is General Christopher, current leader of the Royal Guard – but I came anyway without complaints. It must be something regarding King Taejun’s safety.

I hear the door opening and turn around as General Matheo enters the room. He is a tall and strong man, not exactly old, but his hair is already grizzly. He is a respected warrior not only in Ëlv’en, but around the entire continent. His acts in the past were legendary. I immediately salute him and wait for him to speak.  

I frown.

Why did he lock the door?

“Guardian Y/N,” General Matheo starts, voice husky. “I called you here because I need you to do an important task.”

If it happened months ago, I wouldn’t have noticed. His voice sounds normal. He stands several steps away from me yet.

But now, I am able to feel auras.

Back then, I wasn’t able to feel it. I could feel when there was imminent danger around me, but nothing more. Although I still can’t control it well, I can feel people’s intentions.

There’s something wrong about Matheo’s aura.

It is condensed and rushed. If it was visible, I would say it was colored in a deep shade of purple.

I don’t like it.

I also don’t like the way he’s staring at me.

General Matheo steps closer. I can’t move, but I wish I could.

“You’ve really become something, Guardian Y/N. It’s been only some months...” he continues, his voice getting strangely low. He’s stepping closer and I start to feel terribly uncomfortable. Why exactly did he call me here?

“Permission to spe-”

“No,” he interrupts me before I can even finish my sentence. I don’t like the way he’s looking at me. I don’t like that grin growing on his lips. I don’t like his proximity. “You’ll have to stay very quiet now.”

I gasp when General Matheo grabs my wrist and pulls me close to him.

He chuckles. I start to feel disgust crawl beneath my skin as the General presses his body on mine. What is going on? Why is he so close?! But I can’t say anything, because he told me to be quiet. If a superior orders me something, I have to obey.

But this situation is unbearable.  

My heart beats fast, sweat forms on my forehead. I hate the way he’s touching me. How can I simply be quiet when I don’t even know what’s happening?

“S-Sir General, what-”

“I told you to be quiet,” he growls, lifting my chin roughly and making me look at him. Matheo has a playful gaze on his eyes. No, that’s not just playfulness, it is... it is...

It is lust.

And in the moment I feel his hand starting to slip under my shirt, I can’t take it anymore.

I want to push him away. I want to say please, step back. I want to open the door and leave. For the first time in my life, I don’t care if I’ll be punished because of my actions.

But that’s not what happens.

My palm touches his chest. I am not even using much strength.

But as I touch him, I feel the power flowing through my skin.

Everything happens in the blink of an eye, but it’s as if I’m watching in slow motion.

A gust of pure energy produces a deafening bang, just as loud as a thunder. All the windows break at the same time, glass flying in all directions. All the paintings, shelves and cabinets are destroyed; the floor shakes maddeningly. The chandelier falls from the ceiling. Shards of glass, porcelain, fibers of wood, pieces of crystal and steel – I watch everything floating in the air around me.

And I watch as General Matheo is sent flying back violently. His back hits the wall with such strength the marble cracks.

I can even hear the sound of several bones breaking all at once.

I watch as he falls to the ground, completely immobile.

I can’t move.

The entire room is destroyed.

My body shivers, my legs feel wobbly. I can’t take my eyes off of the man lying on the ground.

I just wanted him to step away.

I watch as, slowly, a pool of blood spreads under his body.

I just wanted him to step away...

I still can’t move as I hear several feet out of the room, accompanied by yelling voices. The entire palace heard the explosion of energy. My breathing is difficult, my throat is dry. I can’t blink as panic takes control over me.

I wasn’t even putting much strength...

The doors are opened forcefully, and many guards enter the room all at once, ready to fight if necessary.

They freeze.

They look at the destruction around; they see General Matheo on the floor. They see me there, standing immobile.

“What did you do?!” one soldier I don’t recognize demands. Another guard runs and crouches down by the General’s side; he searches for his pulse.

I can’t answer.

I didn’t want to do it.

“What did you do?!” the soldier repeats more angrily this time, stepping closer to me.

It wasn’t supposed to happen...

“He’s dead,” the guard says, still by the General’s body. “It killed him!”

I didn’t want to kill him.

Immediately, I am surrounded by them. They throw me to the floor violently and make me immobile, holding my arms behind my back; I don’t fight. All the guards and soldiers seem too shocked by the scene, but I feel their hatred towards me growing.

I just killed the highest ranked member of the army. Not only that; that man was a living legend.

And everyone knows that killing any member of the military is punishable with death.

I am going to die.

I want to explain things; I want to tell them what happened, that I didn’t intend to hurt him – but it seems that my voice disappeared. I doubt any of them will listen to me anyway. I hear more steps and voices and know that the hallway outside is already full with more soldiers and guards. One tell their own version of what happened to other, and to other, and to other, and it has already spread. But they still don’t understand what happened.

They just want me dead.

I stay right there, my body smashed against the cool marble floor full of debris, until all soldiers open a gap for someone to enter.

King Taejun.

I shiver in fear.

He looks around, looks at the corpse, looks at me.

“What happened here?” he asks, voice demanding.

“Your Majesty, General Matheo was murdered by that... thing!” one soldier starts to explain, pointing at me angrily. All men around start to murmur in agreement, sending me wrathful gazes – but they stop the moment King Taejun lifts his hand.

“I didn’t ask you,” he reprimands, making the soldier lower his head. My master then looks at me. “Y/N, what happened here?”

The entire room is now silent, waiting for my answer.

Slowly, I lift my head with struggle and look at my master. I shouldn’t, but I do.

I have the opportunity to defend myself well, to convince everyone around me. But I am still too shocked, too confused. I use all of my strength to stutter:

“H-He tried to touch me, Your Majesty.”

And I stare at him deeply.

I stare at him in a way I never did before.

King Taejun’s face is still as impassive as always, but I see something changing on his eyes. And suddenly, I know: he understands what happened.

He nods and orders: “Leave her.”

The soldiers around gasp in unison. “B-But, Your Majesty- it killed General Matheo!”

“Don’t question me, soldier,” King Taejun reprimands, voice spiteful. Against his own will, the man holding me back finally lets me go, and I start to lift myself slowly.

King Taejun looks around to every soldier inside the room.

“Listen well, all of you,” he starts. The room and hallway are now completely silent, his voice echoing. “If any of you try to do what Matheo did, I give her full permission to do the same thing she did to him. Is it clear?”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” all of them say. I look at my own feet, completely shocked at the turn of events.

“Good. I don’t want anyone outside of the military to know about this; the Dökkálfar Festival must keep peaceful. You all, clean this mess. Contact the next General according to the hierarchy.”

And with that, King Taejun leaves as if it is a simple issue not worthy of his full attention.

I can’t believe what I just saw. King Taejun stood by my side for the first time. My master – he understood me, he defended me.

It is also the first time in my life I heard him addressing me as “she”.

As a person... not a thing.

Not a monster.

It was also the last time King Taejun did it.

Because of that incident, I held a terrible reputation inside the military. Most soldiers didn’t know exactly what happened – they just knew I killed General Matheo, an honored warrior, a role model. He was treated like a hero until the end.

After that day, I started to hate any kind of physical contact.

But it was no time to think about something that happened so many years ago. I had to concentrate in my current duty – one I didn’t know if I was ready to bear.

It was a common tradition regarding royal weddings. As a vow of trust and to prove the union between the kingdoms, guardians switched masters for a short period of time, until the day of the ceremony.

It meant that, starting now – the day of the announcement – until the wedding day, I would have to watch over Princess Sana instead of Taehyung. Although Princess Sana wasn’t crowned yet, meaning she did not have a guardian, Yuta – King Satoshi’s guardian – would fulfill this role and watch over Taehyung in my place.  

I would have to follow her.

I had been trying to get ready for this moment, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it. Not after I saw her with Taehyung so many times. Not after this gruesome feeling about her grew inside of me.

But I had to do it anyway, and it just made the wound inside my chest get deeper and deeper.

As I approached her room, I felt my heart tightening even more. It was a mix of sadness and anger; anger of the entire situation I was put in, and just pure anger towards her. Would I be able to live around that person for so long? Although the wedding ceremony would happen soon, I couldn’t say I would be able to survive this torture that seemed to be worse than days of physical punishment in the dungeons.

I could already hear the cheers of thousands of people at the principal square in front of the palace, waiting for Taehyung to officially kick a start in the festivities. The palace and the Capital were decorated accordingly. There was this happy feeling everywhere, especially at the palace – partially because of the Festival, and also because of the new worker-policy. I, in the other hand, felt horrible, almost as if I was barely an empty shell, just watching everything quietly yet not being affected.

However, I could not let my feelings disturb my duty. I had to remind myself all the time of what Jimin said; the city was full of travelers that came every year to celebrate Dökkálfar here, many foreigners. It could be easy to infiltrate and start an attack this way. Although I would be watching over Princess Sana, I had to protect Taehyung, too. I couldn’t tell the truth to Yuta, so he was unaware of the real danger, even though he was a competent guardian.

I stopped in front of Princess Sana’s room.

There were two guards in front of it. They promptly opened the doors, already knowing I had permission, and I entered.

I had to hold my breath for one moment.

Princess Sana was sat near the window, while a maid made some adjustments on her hairstyle. And she looked stunning: she was wearing a long dark-brown dress with black gems woven on it, the traditional colors of the Dökkálfar Festival – the colors of soil, the colors of the dark elves. Everyone else was wearing attires in similar colors to please the dark elves and bring good luck, yet Princess Sana was be able to stand out in the middle of a crowd. Her hair was half braided and decorated with tiny white flowers; she also used black gems on her earrings and necklace.

Her beauty did not fail to amaze me again.

I just felt angrier.

The women inside the room did not notice my presence for long moments. Princess Sana chatted with the maids lightheartedly. I did not know any of them, because they were Sana’s personal assistants that came from Vanaheim. After some moments in which I stood at the back of the room unnoticed, all the maids left.

Except for one.

She stood near Princess Sana by the window.

“Today’s the great day,” the maid said, sighing. Princess Sana nodded softly. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know exactly,” the princess admitted, looking down at her hands resting on her lap. I frowned; she did not sound excited, as what I supposed she would feel. Her aura was unsettled. And I saw something very similar of what I saw in Taehyung; an invisible weigh on her shoulders.

“Hey,” the maid said softly, and took Princess Sana’s hands on hers. “Everything’s gonna be fine. You are strong, you can make it.”

“I appreciate your efforts, but I know you’re lying, Dahyun,” the princess said, opening a sad smile.

“I am not,” the maid, Dahyun, said emphatically. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever known. People will love you. And... you look beautiful today.”

Princess Sana’s smile became more genuine.

And they stared at each other.

I started to feel like an intruder; the moment between them feel too delicate, too intimate. I didn’t want to interrupt it, but at the same time I couldn’t help but look. Their auras... they had a similar feeling. They felt like a soft shade of pink; it was almost like their auras were in tune.

I only got more confused when hints of tears appeared on Dahyun’s eyes, and she had to look away.

“I’ll leave you now,” she said, voice wavering only slightly. Princess Sana nodded. “You’ll do amazing today. I know it.”

“Thank you,” Sana said, almost a whisper.

They still stared at each other for some moments before Dahyun left. Looking at her leaving felt like looking at a withered flower.

I didn’t understand exactly what happened there.

Princess Sana sighed and looked at the window. It was very different from what I’ve saw from her up until now; she looked small... lonely. Sad.

It was against my conduct code. I had to be unnoticeable for her. But I just didn’t care about conduct codes anymore.

I coughed slightly to sign my presence, pretending I had just entered her room, and bowed respectfully.

“Your Highness, my name is Y/N. I am Ëlv’en’s Royal Guardian, and I will be serving you for the upcoming days,” I said.

The princess looked surprised. “You are the guardian?”  

I nodded. She measured me from head to toe oddly. “Yes, Your Highness.”

Princess Sana then smiled, and I could tell she wasn’t forcing. “That’s a relief. I prefer being in the presence of a woman. I hope that our convivence will be friendly from now on.”

Oh.

Unexpected.

“Today’s the announcement day. We have a lot of work ahead,” she said, staring at the window again.

I noticed the exact moment her smile shadowed with sadness; that smile did not reach her eyes. She just looked plain sad. Why hadn’t I noticed it before? Princess Sana looked always so joyful during her time with Taehyung...

Or perhaps that was what she wanted everyone else to think?

I shifted, slightly uncomfortable. “Are you feeling unwell, Your Highness? Should I ask for the aid of a healer?” I asked. Maybe she was just nervous. Humans tend to feel sick when nervous.

She shook her head slightly, that sweet smile never leaving her lips. “No, it is not necessary. Thank you for your concern.” Her voice truly sounded like birds chirping in the morning. Princess Sana sighed deeply. “I am just... thinking.”

“Is my presence bothering Your Highness at the moment?” I questioned, ready to leave if she wanted, but the princess shook her head again.  

“No.” She wasn’t looking at me again, staring down at the crowd at the front square instead. She kept quiet for long moments. “We must do what’s necessary for the greater good. Even if it hurts us sometimes.”

I frowned, not understanding exactly why she was saying that. I could see it was like she was talking to herself, not to me. The tone of sadness and resignation on her voice was so deep it made me feel a pang.  

“I understand very well how it is, Your Highness,” I said. Why was I even chatting with her in the first place? Princess Sana looked at me and quirked one eyebrow.

“You do?”

I nodded. “A guardian has to give up on every personal desire in order to follow this path,” I said.

That’s all I have been doing my entire life. I did not let myself show emotions, caging them deep down inside of me. I did not let myself show the affection my two only friends deserved. And now, I had to resign myself to watch the man I had feelings for get married with another person.

The ache in my chest was overwhelming.

Princess Sana nodded. We looked at each other – yes, I knew I shouldn’t - and I saw something I wasn’t expecting: I saw empathy. I saw similarity.

Sana could understand me very well.

“I wish us both strength to bear what’s about to come,” she said softly. I knew she was being sincere. “Something tells me we are going to get along well.”

Suddenly, I didn’t hate her as much as I did a few minutes ago.

We heard a knock on the door and a male voice saying: “Your Highness, the opening ceremony is about to start.”

Princess Sana sighed and got up from the armchair, adjusting her long dress. “It’s time. Let’s go.”

I nodded and followed her from behind. We walked quietly to the principal balcony where it was usual for kings to make speeches, right in front of the principal square. Queen Mother Seojeon, Princess Yeri, King Satoshi and some Council members were already sat on their respective places; but he was still standing behind the curtains...

Taehyung.

He wore all-black, from head to toe. The only color came from the blue of the sapphires on his crown and Royal Ring. I should be used to his beauty already, but unfortunately I wasn’t.

The first person he looked at was me, standing behind Princess Sana.

His gaze had so many emotions I could barely decipher. However, he did not say a word to me. Taehyung looked at Sana and nodded. “Are you ready?”

The princess nodded, but after seeing her some minutes ago, I wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth. “Yes.”

Taehyung smiled and offered his arm for her to take. They looked at each other encouragingly and stepped into the balcony.

The immediate roar of the crowd below filled my ears as I entered the balcony too beside Yuta. We stood very quietly by the door. I expanded my senses, trying to track any bad intent coming from the people around; I knew the exact position of every soldier and guard. The security system was heavy, but I couldn’t let myself relax. I could feel at least fifty thousand people just at the square, and the entire Capital was listening. Humans, hybrids, rich and poor.

Princess Sana sat by Queen Seojeon’s side and Taehyung walked to the railing, waving to the people. We were high. He was scared of heights...

Taehyung lifted his hand for a moment, and the entire crowd went silent, waiting for him to start his speech.

“First of all, I want to thank all of you for coming here today,” he started, his voice echoing. Everyone could hear him thanks to a simple spell that equalized his voice throughout the main square and the entire Capital. Millions of people were hearing him speak at that moment. “We are at this holy time of the year again, in which we thank the dark elves for the blessings they gave us. I am sure all of you are anxious for me to officially start the festivities – and the good food that comes with it -,” the crowd laughed at that last sentence, “but before we start, I have some important announcements to make.”

He looked back.

For one second, our gazes crossed.

It was so brief, yet I saw in his eyes guilt. I saw sorrow. I saw... resignation.

His aura was painted with pain.

But our eye contact ended as quickly as it started. He looked at Sana and nodded; the Princess got up and approached him, standing by his side.

My fists tightened behind my back.

I wasn’t strong enough to watch that.

“I am sure all of you already know Princess Minatozaki Sana from Vanaheim, our great ally,” Taehyung said. He took her hand gently.

I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I had to watch intently.  

All these days, I was hoping for something to happen. Anything that would cancel this betrothal. I was hoping that Taehyung would change his mind, that King Satoshi would give up on his idea – I waited for literally anything. But now, it was too late. Now, they would announce it to the entire world. They couldn’t go back on their words.

I swiped the tears away before anyone could notice.

“In this moment, we are happy to announce that, in three weeks, we will officially get married.”

The crowd roars in unison. Populations always love royal weddings. They don’t even care about what it truly represents. Princess Sana looked beautiful as she smiled and waved her hand... I already knew it, but I was sure she would be able to make an entire kingdom fall for her.

“Me and Your Majesty Kim Taehyung will work hard to make the bond between our two kingdoms stronger than ever,” she said, her voice too being equalized. She said something more, but my brain wasn’t processing it properly. They looked beautiful together... Queen and King. It was the perfect arrangement.

I fought the urge to cry more.

“We have yet another announcement to make,” Taehyung said, making the crowd get quiet again.

He looked at Sana and she nodded, stepping back. I heard a quiet commotion around me.

“What is Taehyung doing? It wasn’t on the plans,” I heard King Satoshi whisper hurriedly to Queen Seojeon, that just stared at her son’s back in fear.

I frowned.

“I am sure all of you heard about my travels these past months,” Taehyung started, voice serious. Everyone listened quietly, clinging onto each word he pronounced. “I visited each city within Ëlv’en. I wanted to become close to you, to know what are your concerns, what we can do to make your lives better. And, during my travels, I saw a situation that can’t be ignored anymore.”

Adrenaline started to rush through my veins. Was he doing what I thought he was...?

“Ëlv’en is great and powerful. I am sure all of us are proud to be ëlvians. However, we don’t resemble a powerful kingdom anymore, for one thing still lacks: justice. In my travels, I saw poverty and famine. I saw people being enslaved with no chances of freedom. I saw pain and suffering. How can a kingdom be great if its population is suffering? How can a King be good if he can’t take care of his own people? That is why, in front of you all, I announce that Ëlv’en will take a step further, out of the darkness.”

The commotion around the balcony continued; the counselors looked at each other in pure confusion. Taehyung was acting by himself? He didn’t tell anyone what he was about to do?! My heart was beating fast in expectation...

“I can’t keep living knowing that children, women and men are enslaved simply because of their race. Ëlv’en will only become a great kingdom when all of its inhabitants have fair and equal conditions. That is why, from now on, I will start a battle against slavery. It will not be an easy task; many will be against me,” the gaze he sent the counselors was so fierce it made me shiver, “but it will not stop me. With your support, I will not rest until every ëlvian hybrid has their freedom; I will not rest until every poor person has good ways of living. I am the King, and as the ruler, I am here to serve you – not otherwise. With all of you by my side, I am sure we’ll be able to build an Ëlv’en that has never been so strong, and we’ll become a role model to the entire continent. I will not rest until we are in a world in which humans and hybrids will be simply saw as people, and all of us will walk into this path of light, together. All of us will be free!”

The moment he finished speaking, the crowd started to roar again.

It was twice, three times louder than before. I watched, speechless, as people yelled at the top of their lungs, as a thunderous applause made the floor beneath my feet shake. It was the longest and loudest cheer I’ve ever saw; it seemed to be going on for minutes.

The Council members stared at Taehyung in pure shock.

The King had a smile of triumph on his lips.

“The Dökkálfar Festivities are officially opened. May the elves guide us!”

I should be used to Taehyung making me feel like I couldn’t breathe. In that moment, more than ever, I realized how I would never be used to it.

He just declared war against the entire Council and his own family.

And, to fight this war, he already had the support of millions of people – and soon, more than half of the population of Ëlv’en.

He was playing dirty.

As Taehyung himself said: I never run from a fight.

The palace was even more euphoric, if that’s possible.

It was a tradition that, during Dökkálfar, the servants – workers – had permission to celebrate as well. It was also traditional of the Royal Family to share a great banquet at the city and to distribute food during the ten days of the Festival. The cooks worked with no rest for days until all the food was ready for the banquet of the opening night, and would not stop working for the days to come – but now that the work was done, all the workers were free of their duties until the next day.

The huge back courtyard near the service area was decorated, there were many tables full of food, barrels of wine and juice of all flavors. It wasn’t as full as it used to be in past years, because now the workers could leave and enjoy the Festival freely at the city, but many of them stayed anyway – like me, that didn’t have anywhere to go.

I was sat on a wooden stool in an almost hidden spot, a near empty glass of juice on my hands. I watched as Chuu danced in the middle of the courtyard with her friends. Like everyone else, she used a brown dress and tied her hair in two pigtails. Although the music was loud, I could hear her laughter. I’ve never seen Chuu so joyful...  

Yoongi seemed happy as well, and it was honestly a heartwarming sight. I knew very well he was not a cold or emotionless person; Yoongi had just learned to act this way because he suffered too much during his life. Seeing him smile like that and talk to his friends made me feel happy for him. Happy for everyone around me...

Taehyung’s speech spread like fire in a forest. I was sure it had already reached neighbor cities, although it has been only some hours since he made the announcement. Most hybrids overall were more than happy, as well as poor people. Many humans were also pleased by the news; not everyone had any kind of prejudice against hybrids and also thought that slavery was unfair. But I also heard many suspicious people, not believing Taehyung was telling the truth and that he only said it to increase his popularity. In fact, people couldn’t talk about anything but this subject.  

But I knew that many were angered by Taehyung’s speech and what it represented. Even though the population supported him, the people of power – the ones who could actually make changes – would be against him, for prohibiting slavery would be prejudicial for them.

He started to walk a dangerous path.

Yet, although what he did meant only good news for me and the ones of my race, I could not feel much happiness myself.

That wound inside myself was throbbing, bleeding. Taehyung had announced his engagement with Princess Sana. It would inevitably happen; now, it was more real than ever. In three weeks, they would get married. After the wedding, it is expected of the King and Queen to have heirs...

I flinched momentarily in disgust.

Not only that. In a few weeks, I would reach the full dragon adulthood. The right age.

My deal with Hoseok.

I didn’t know if I was brave enough to explain it to Taehyung...

I sighed, feeling tired. It wasn’t physical tiredness, though. I felt that my brain – and my heart – had received too much information recently, and I didn’t know how to deal with most of it. Everything was so foreign and new...

I closed my eyes. The fact that I was surrounded by happiness but couldn’t feel happy myself was horrible. At that point, I just wanted to go to my room and sleep during these free hours.  

I just wanted things to become less complicated for once...

That’s when I heard someone sitting by my side very quietly.

I didn’t even need to open my eyes to know who it was. But I did it anyway, and stared at him in surprise.

“They seem happy,” Taehyung said, voice very quiet. He didn’t wear his cape and crown anymore. The shadows made his face look somber somehow.  

Nervousness immediately hit me all at once. We hadn’t interacted since that night. His sole presence beside me was enough to make my heart warm and ache at the same time.

“What are you doing here, Your Majesty?” I asked, immediately feeling my body stiffening. Taehyung shrugged slightly.

“Celebrating this kind of date with royals is boring. I prefer this,” he said, pointing to the scene ahead with his chin. People were dancing happily in the middle of the courtyard, some of them very ungainly due to the excess of alcohol.  

A strange feeling grew inside of me. I could tell Taehyung wasn’t relaxed the way he used to be around me. Why was he acting as if nothing happened, as if nothing between us has changed? It started to anger me.  

“They are going to notice you,” I said, crossing my arms.

“Not if we stay here.” Taehyung sighed, his eyes still scanning the small crowd. He looked tired in a way I’ve never seen before. I already noticed how Taehyung seemed to display fragility in front of me, but that day it made me somehow shocked.

I’ve never seen Taehyung look so small and fragile.  

“That one with pigtails is Chuu, right?” he asked, pointing in her direction, and I nodded. A small tired smile grew on his lips. “She’s wearing the bracelet.”

“She never takes it off.”

We fell in silence for long moments. Slowly, the smile on his face disappeared. His half-lidded eyes, shoulders heavy, the way he was sat so carelessly with his legs spread – everything about his demeanor showed tiredness, concern and... sadness.

A very similar sadness I saw in Princess Sana.

A very similar sadness I felt myself.

“Do you think I did the right thing today, Y/N?” he asked very quietly after several moments.

“Of course you did,” I said without even thinking twice. “Don’t you see how happy they are? Although it didn’t happen yet, you brought happiness back to the hybrids.”

Taehyung looked at me for the first time, gaze piercing with something I couldn’t quite decipher.

“I’m not talking about this."

My breathing failed.

He was talking about the marriage.

I immediately avoided his gaze, feeling a hotness spread up to my neck. Why was he even asking me this? Only if he knew how much it hurt me...

“What are you doing here, Your Majesty?” I asked again, staring at him intently, my voice becoming hard.  

Taehyung looked at me in silence for some moments. His gaze never failed to make me waver. “I wanted to see you.”

My fists tightened, my heart beat increased. “Why is that?”

“Because I miss you.”

Yet again, I was dazed because of his straightforwardness. But I couldn’t let myself drown on it. “I am around you all the time. Why would you miss me?”

Taehyung opened his mouth as if to speak, but then he closed it again. He stared at me deeply, analyzing my features. I tried not to waver, to keep firm.  

He then said, voice barely audible:

“Because I miss the way things used to be between us.”

I avoided his gaze, once again feeling that my heart was being smashed. “Don’t say that.”

“But it’s the truth.”

My eyes closed tightly momentarily as if I was in pain. I was sad, I was hurt, I was angry. I was tired of his mysteries, of the way he always made me so confused. Didn’t he understand how it hurt to hear him saying such things, when he didn’t feel the same as me? He didn’t miss me the way I missed him. He made my heart flutter in a way it shouldn’t, especially because he would soon get married.

I just felt shattered. So shattered that I was not able to control myself anymore.

Taehyung shifted closer to me – too close for me to think properly. I widened my eyes immediately as I felt his fingers touching my cheek very gently.

I didn’t even notice I was crying.

Taehyung stared at me in silence, pure sadness and sorrow on his eyes and face as he wiped my tears away. I just stared back, too weak to move, too weak to fought the urge to keep crying. It felt that everything around us was suddenly distant and blurred – the loud music, the voices, the laughter – as if we were inside a bubble that kept us away from the world outside.

“Y/N,” he whispered my name weakly, voice fragile, just as fragile as it sounded that night when he came to my bedroom. He inhaled deeply, and it looked that even speaking was difficult to him. “I am so sorry. I... I shouldn’t be so weak.”

If I had strength enough to speak, I would have asked why he was apologizing. But looking at his eyes, it felt for a moment that he understood why I was suffering. Again, it was a kind of sadness very similar as Princess Sana’s...

We must do what’s necessary for the greater good. Even if it hurts us sometimes.

We all suffered from the same pain.

Taehyung gulped, his Adam’s apple bobbing. I felt small and fragile because of him, and it was strange that I was beginning to feel solace because of him, too.

“I don’t know what hurts me the most,” he whispered after some moments, his eyes never leaving me. “Being away from you... or being with you.”

Neither of us moved. I didn’t understand what he meant, why he was saying such thing. But, just like that night, I didn’t want that painful, confused and bittersweet moment to end.

I didn’t want it to end...

But my peripherical sight caught a small movement.

At first, it didn’t bother me. But my eyes focused on something behind Taehyung’s head, several meters away, at the back gates, the service entrance and exit.

It was barely a silhouette in the shadows. Sitting there, watching us from the darkness. Resembled a dog...

No...

It wasn’t a dog.  

All of my instincts awakened in the blink of an eye.

It was a wolf.

I immediately got up and touched Taehyung’s shoulder; a green sign started to shine on the spot where my hand touched – a rune. It meant protect. He looked up at me, confused.

“Y/N-”

“Get inside the palace, now!” I screamed to him.

I made eye contact with the wolf for one second. That thing looked like a simple animal, but these intelligent eyes couldn’t lie to me. It was in fact a person.

A shapeshifter.

The wolf turned around and started to run.

And I ran after him.

I ran without looking back not even once, adrenaline rushing through my veins. With a command of mine, the gates opened with a loud noise. The wolf was fast, running down the road towards the crowded city. I couldn’t let it escape. That person was the proof we needed, the possible culprit behind Taehyung’s attempted murder. It wouldn’t escape from me.

Without stop running, I evoked an Earth spell; the rocks under the wolf’s paws started to crumble and explode, what made the animal fly in the air and land violently again. However, it got up and started to run again. But I noticed that I managed to slow it, and blood already stained its grey fur. That thing couldn’t be able to run away from me. Shapeshifters are masters of disguise, not of fight.  

It was slowing down even more; I was getting closer. I expanded my mind towards it, wanting to reach it; if I could control its mind, it would immediately stop and I could see the identity of the culprit. I did not try to be delicate, forcing myself inside of its mind with all my forces; the animal growled in pain and flinched.

I was reaching it, both physically and mentally. Some more steps and I would touch it. Some more seconds and I would invade its mind and know who that person was.

So close...

A wave of pain so strong I feel my entire body getting rigid.

I screamed and fell to the ground, rolling several times on the dirt.

My hands held my head, gripping my hair. The pain was so strong it felt as if someone literally hammered my skull several times. I squirmed and groaned, my mind so confused I didn’t even know anymore where I was, my vision white; I couldn’t see anything. It was so painful I felt as if my mind was starting to fade away.

I have no idea how much time it took for me to come back to my senses, for my vision to focus again, for that pain to cease and to remember what happened.

Someone entered my mind and made a psychic attack so strong it almost teared my consciousness apart.

I stumbled, trying to get up, my clothes dirty, my chin wet with my own drool. I looked around, anger starting to take over me.

“No!”

The wolf was nowhere at sight.

I tried to run towards the city, just to fall again. I got up, tripping and dizzy, my head still aching too much, my members tingling. I had to find that shapeshifter. I couldn’t let it escape...

But I reached the city, and it was too full of people. The constant noise of music and voices seemed to penetrate my skull like arrows. There were too many people. That person probably already shifted into their human nature again and camouflaged inside the crowd.

I was so angry that I wanted to scream.

I lost them. I let them go.

And the most shocking part is that someone was able to attack my mind. The well-trained mind of a soldier. The almost impenetrable mind of a dragon hybrid.  

Someone was watching us from up close, the same people that tried to kill Taehyung.

And these people – whoever they were – were much more powerful than I ever imagined.

Nobody is safe anymore.

[recentanimenews]

Mushoku Tensei: Jobless Reincarnation – 02 – Facing the Outside

Most isekai anime never return to the protagonist’s original world after the first episode, but as Rudy grows older and more accustomed to his new life as a little kid, his trauma begins manifesting as flashes of that previous life. First, we’re presented with a Rudy who skips his parents’ funeral so he can jerk off in his bedroom.

When three goons break in, he runs away, sees a truck about to hit some high school students, and runs into its path, resulting in the death we saw last week. The only connection between this opening scene and the next one in the new world is that it involves someone masturbating, which Roxy is doing as she hears Rudy’s parents screw.

While he’s glad he saw her, as perv as Rudy is even he knows better than to disturb her, or even acknowledge he saw her. The empathy his displays underscores the promise of his new life: the chance to properly develop mentally, something that wasn’t possible in his old life. It’s also an early hint of the respect he gains for Roxy, who isn’t just his master, but his first friend…in either life.

Six months, then a year pass since Roxy arrived, and Rudy is making fast progress with his magic, and no longer passing out after expending it. Roxy looks upon this progress with pride, but also a sense of sad inevitability: soon he’ll easily surpass her as a mage and she’ll have nothing left to teach him. As for the green-haired demonic “Superd” she warns him about, Rudy already knows about monsters from his past life.

In his previous life, Rudy was brutally bullied at school, regularly stripped down, tied up, and photographed by leering, laughing gawkers. Though we’re seeing things purely from his POV there’s no reason to think he’s embellishing things, and we see that this treatment led him to cease moving forward. He retreated into the safety of his room, where he remained in stasis.

Even though his two worlds couldn’t look any more different (a contrast that’s well-executed by the visuals), he feels the same fear of the outside beyond his family’s land as he did leaving his room, or even looking out his window. When Roxy recommends he attend Ranoa Magic University in the Red Dragon Mountains to further his training, he brushes it off as unnecessary; he’ll be just fine where he is, with Roxy.

Of course, Rudy is deluding himself. Roxy is a great teacher, but as he reaches five years old (the first of three 5-year intervals birthdays are celebrated in this world) they’re quickly approaching the point when Roxy has nothing left to teach him. To remain home would stunt his development, both as a mage and as a person.

For his fifth birthday Rudy receives a tome from his mom, a sword from his dad, and a wand from Roxy, along with the announcement that he’ll use the wand for his imminent graduation exam. The magic they’ll be learning is dangerous, so they must travel away from home. The prospect of going outside causes Rudy to freeze up; as Roxy aptly puts it, he’s finally “acting his age.”

Roxy assures him there’s nothing to fear, and helps him exorcise his past life’s demons simply by being her wonderful self. As they ride past other villagers, Rudy wants them to stop staring at him, but then realizes they’re staring at Roxy, who in just a year was able to win the entire village over despite the prejudice surrounding people with hair her color.

With nothing left to fear of the new land in which he finds himself, Rudy watches Roxy pull of the biggest magical spell yet, summoning a huge storm that accidentally injures the family horse, Caravaggio. Thankfully he’s easily healed up and then placed in a protective shell when it’s Rudy’s turn to cast the spell.

As with the magical trials Fran puts Elaina through in Wondering Witch, the full terrible potential of elite-level magic is fully realized by the surpassing visuals, as the idyllic landscape is entirely greyed out by blinding sheets of rain, only to emerge more beautiful than before, with tinges of pink and violet in the blue skies.

Rudy passed his first two big tests of life in his new world: stepping outside, and passing his final exam with Roxy. With that passage, there truly is nothing else Roxy can teach him. While I half-expected him to press further for her to stay—either by becoming the village’s resident mage or, say, becoming his dad’s third wife—Rudy isn’t the only one who needs to move forward, and Roxy intends to travel the world, re-hone her skills, and see what else she can learn.

So while Rudy is understandably sad to see her go (as are his folks, who fail to hold back tears for her goodbye), he lets her go, thanking her for imbuing him with knowledge, experience, and technique in magic as well as life. He will also never forget that it was Roxy who brought him outside and showed him it was nothing to fear.

While Roxy was little more than a pretty game character made flesh to Rudy when they met, she’s become someone with whom he formed a genuine human connection, learned more than he’d ever imagined, and healed him in a way he’d long thought impossible. For all of that she’ll have his everlasting gratitude and respect.

Of course, Rudy is still Rudy, as we’re reminded when Lilia discovers a pair of Roxy’s underwear he’d stashed away a few months prior to her departure…the little shit! But maybe, just maybe, he’s taken the first steps to becoming a little less of a shit. Baby steps.

Stray Observations:

Looks like Rudy died shortly after his parents. I guess they were the last line of defense that kept the tormentors out of his house.

While the extent of the public torture Rudy endured stretches credulity, I’m not putting anything past human beings after 2020.

Rudy is right about Roxy being at the age where, well, “that kind of thing” is pretty normal, and this being a world that lacks the modern means of taking care of that, listening to two people having sex would have to suffice.

That said, the session we overheard did not result in a baby sibling for Rudy. I presume he’ll get one at some point.

Rudy is not yet much of a swordsman despite Paul’s efforts, but in Rudy’s defense, he’s five. you gotta give the kid a sword his size!

Roxy brings up the Superd, who have green hair and red stones in their foreheads. They started the horrific Laplace War between humans and demons. Rudy visualizes them as similar to Sadako from The Ring.

Seeing the village kids leering with flip phones was hella creepy.

Social status, pride, and even race apparently don’t matter at Ranoa University. I imagine Rudy will be heading there as soon as he’s old enough.

The little aside of Zenith feeding Roxy and Lilia grapes was extremely cute.

Really glad Caravaggio pulled through! Poor horse looked like he was toast—literally.

By: magicalchurlsukui

[trasheddie]

Help Me Out

(A/N: so this is a little fic about the Holy Trinity because I love them and I need all three of them to be okay. Also, the fight scene fallout is based on the headcanon I posted for it on here earlier. Can also be read on AO3.)

ONSDAG 12:25

Isak wasn’t there when she walked into class.

She’d known there was a good chance he wasn’t going to be, considering he probably had a broken nose and she hadn’t seen him around the previous two days, but it still hurt when her eyes landed on his empty seat. Sana had spent the better part of the weekend drowning in guilt over what happened at the karaoke bar. Visions of sticky, blood-covered hands stained the backs of her eyelids every time she closed them, along with ones of Noora’s disappointed face and Yousef’s frame pressed against hers. It had been a hellish way to end what was supposed to be a nice afternoon.

Sana sighed and plopped down at the table. It felt empty without the blond boy next to her. She never realized how much she enjoyed their friendly banter until he wasn’t around, and it left her with a sick feeling in her stomach knowing that it was her brother’s fist that was responsible for his absence. She hadn’t bothered trying to talk to Elias about the fight. He had already shut himself in his room by the time she’d gotten home Friday night, and at that point she’d been too drained to bring it up anyway. He wasn’t acting like himself lately. Instead of being the sporty, fun-loving big brother that she knew, Elias was getting drunk and starting brawls with teenagers. Sana was officially worried about him.

The teacher called the students’ attention up to the board to begin class. Sana pulled out her textbook and resolved that, at the very least, she could take some notes for Isak so he wouldn’t fall behind. The boy was ridiculous when it came to passing biology, even if he liked to pretend that he never stressed about anything school related. Sana remembered seeing him nearly blow a gasket the one time he missed a pop quiz on a sick day. She rolled her eyes at the memory and smiled a little. Maybe focusing on work would help take her mind off her disastrous social life for a while.

ONSDAG 13:30

Sana headed straight to her locker when the bell rang. Usually she would grab a bite to eat and sit with her friends, but the thought of facing Noora and Vilde after everything that happened made her gut twist unpleasantly, so she decided against it. She considered looking for Eva, or possibly Chris instead. They had been distant recently and she missed them a lot. Out of all the girls, those two were the easiest to talk to and right now she could use a distraction.

Sana walked out the front doors and in the direction of the courtyard where most kids hung out for lunch, but stopped short when she heard a familiar high pitched giggle. Her gaze zeroed in on the blonde hair and pink jacket immediately, situated in a sea of similar looking girls, all with trilling laughs. Vilde looked like she was having the time of her life. Noora and Eva flanked her sides, with Chris not far away, smiles bright and gleaming. Another ten of the twenty Pepsi-Max crew sat around them in a circle, including Ingrid and Sara, who completed the ensemble.

Sana felt a vicious stab in her abdomen as she looked at the scene. This was her worst nightmare. Tears gathered in her eyes and she had to tilt her head up to keep them from falling.

They don’t need you, she thought.

They don’t want you.

She quickly turned and rushed for the gate of the school. She couldn’t be here, it was too much. She needed to get away.

ONSDAG 14:00

Wandering around the streets of Oslo proved to do very little for Sana’s mood. It had started to rain about ten minutes into her escape and she hadn’t brought a coat or an umbrella, meaning she was now completely defenceless against the chill that was setting in. Her makeup was running from tears and her shoes were soaked through to the point where her socks had gone soggy. She’d also somehow managed to walk in the opposite direction of her house, giving her nowhere to go for shelter other than a local coffee shop. She was debating on whether to just brace herself and walk in looking like a mess when the street sign caught her eye. Sana thought she recognized the name from somewhere. Skovveien, huh.

She dug her phone out of her pocket and flicked through her messages, trying her best not to get more droplets of water on the screen. Sure enough, there it was in a text conversation with Isak from just a few weeks prior.

(Fra Isak)

                  Heiii

(Til Isak)

                  What do you want?

(Fra Isak)

                  Rude. Are you helping us move today?

(Til Isak)

                  Depends. What’s in it for me?

(Fra Isak)

                   My everlasting gratitude?

(Til Isak)

                   Haha no but really

(Fra Isak)

                    Free pizza? :)

(Til Isak)

                    Hmm… I’ll think about it

                    What’s the address?

(Fra Isak)

                   The Kollektivet first

                   But then Bygdøy allé

                   Right off of Skovveien

                   There’s a little back alleyway

(Til Isak)

                   I’ll check my schedule

(Fra Isak)

                   How kind of you Sanasol

                   I’m honoured

(Til Isak)

                   You should be, I’m very busy you know

                 Sana bit her lip. The last thing she wanted to do was cause Isak and Even more trouble; they had enough going on as it was. One of them was injured physically, and the other was probably dealing with the emotional trauma that comes from seeing one’s ex-best friends in public, but Sana was freezing and wet and really didn’t want to catch a cold. She grit her teeth together. It wasn’t like her life could get much worse anyway. With as much composure as she could muster, she steeled herself and walked in the direction of the apartment.  

                 She reached the door within a minute. Sana didn’t have to guess which buzzer was theirs; there was a rainbow flag on it, right next to the number 408. Despite the swirling chaos inside her head, she found herself grinning. To think that six months ago Isak was the kind of guy who kissed girls in bathrooms during parties and acted like a stereotypical hetero bro. He’d changed so much in such a short period of time and Sana was secretly very proud of him, even if she had trouble showing it.

She hesitated with her finger over the button. Would they let her in if she called up?  They might ignore it all together if they were trying to hide from the world. They didn’t come to school for a reason, Sana. Luckily, she didn’t have much time to stew in her thoughts, because suddenly the door to the stairwell was being pushed open by an elderly lady. She looked crotchety, with an old cable knit sweater wrapped around her shoulders and a face that said, “I’m old and not afraid to complain”. The woman made brief eye contact with Sana, giving her a once over and Sana had to hold her breath for fear she might say something to set her off. However, instead of making an ignorant comment, the lady shot her a small smile and held the door open wider for her. Sana blinked, but tried her best to grin back, nodding at her as she passed through.

                 With what was left of her nerve, she began to climb the stairs. It almost felt as if she was having an out of body experience. She was aware of her feet moving, of her heavy breathing and the constant dripping of water onto the carpeted floor, but she was simultaneously detached; like she was watching herself in a movie. Before she knew it, she was already at the door and her hand was poised to knock. She gave the wood one quick rapt with her knuckles and let her arms fall limply at her sides. Suddenly, the whole thing seemed like a terrible idea. She was only going to inconvenience the boys. What were you thinking?

There was shuffling on the other side of the door, a slight thump like someone had tripped and then the entrance was swinging open to reveal a very disheveled, very tired looking Even Bech Næsheim. He was wearing a pair of striped blue pyjama pants and a t-shirt that must have been Isak’s because it was a bit too short for his torso. His blonde hair was sticking up in several different directions, obviously lacking its usual product, and his blue eyes were sleepy.

“Sana,” he said, surprise evident in his voice. “What are you doing here?”

Sana tried not to squirm under his gaze. She hadn’t thought of what to say when she got to this stage of her plan.

“I, uh- well Isak wasn’t at school and neither were you and I just- I have biology notes for him,” she tried.

“Sana, you’re soaking wet,” Even said.

His eyebrows were creased with concern and it made guilt flare up in Sana’s stomach again. She didn’t come here to worry him. But why did she come here then? She started to back track as fast as she could.

“You know what, it’s no big deal, I can give it to him another day. I’ll just go.”

“Whoa, whoa, hey,” Even said, grabbing her shoulder lightly to stop her from turning away. “It’s fine. Come inside before you make yourself sick.”

He opened the door further and ushered her inside the apartment. She’d seen a few pictures of the place on Instagram and Facebook, but it looked much smaller in person. There were piles of boxes stacked throughout the living room and front hallway, teetering dangerously, like miniature models of the leaning tower of Pisa. The walls were cream and mostly bare, save for a few movie posters that were obviously Even’s, (the amount of Baz Luhrmann merch he had was almost concerning), and a lamp stood in the corner next to an old but comfortable looking couch that had a Star Wars blanket thrown over one of the arms. It was a little messy, and cramped, but very much Isak and Even.

Even disappeared for a moment and leaving Sana to drip awkwardly onto their hardwood floor. When he returned, he had an armful of towels and a sweater in his hands.

“We don’t have tons of clean clothes right now because there is something wrong with the dryer,” he said, huffing out a laugh. “But this should at least be a bit warmer than what you are wearing now.”

He smiled kindly at her and Sana’s heart swelled with gratitude.

“The bathroom is just down the hall if you wanna go change,” he said, pointing around the corner and towards the kitchen.

“Thank-you,” Sana said.

She quickly slipped inside and switched out of her wet shirt. She also tried to ring out her hijab the best she could and re-wrapped it so that it wasn’t clinging to her neck anymore. After washing her face and wiping away her streaky makeup, she looked at herself in the mirror. Her reflection stared back, tired and numb. She wasn’t sure she recognized the girl in front of her anymore. With a sigh, Sana hung her shirt over the side of the tub to dry and walked back out into the living room.

Even was waiting for her on the couch when she got there, two mugs of tea balanced on the edge of the coffee table. He glanced up at her, a tentative smile on his lips and patted the spot next him. Sana quietly obliged.

“Where’s Isak?” she asked, picking up one of the cups gingerly.

“He’s just in the other room sleeping,” Even said. “He’s had a rough couple of days.”

Sana grimaced. She knew the other boy was probably exhausted. She still didn’t know the extent of the damage, but judging by the look on his face when she’d pressed her fingers to his nose, he had definitely been in a state of shock. He probably had a mild concussion as well.

“Is he… alright?” she asked.

Even nodded, but a shadow passed over his face.

“His nose isn’t broken, thankfully. He took a couple of good hits, though. He’s also slightly concussed, but apart from that it’s mostly just bruises and cuts.”

Sana felt tears well up in her eyes again. Things were never supposed to end this way. She felt so incredibly stupid for inviting her brother and his friends. It hadn’t even occurred to her that Isak and Even would be there with their school mates. If she’d just thought ahead, none of this would have happened. She was about to open her mouth to say so when another tiny voice called down the hall.

“Evi, who is it? Where’d you go?”

Isak’s lanky frame came into view and Sana’s heart stopped all together. His face was a mottled canvas of blues, purples and blacks. His left eye, which was usually a clear moss green, was cloudy and nearly swollen shut. Burst blood vessels ran down his cheek in crisscrossed patterns, matching a nasty red gash that split his lip. He looked very pale and tired and a whole lot smaller than someone over six feet should. Sana had to force herself not to look away.

Even stood up and went over to him, pressing a feather light kiss on his forehead.

“Sorry, baby,” he said. “I didn’t want to wake you. Sana came for a visit and to drop off some notes for you.”

Isak’s eyes drifted over to the slightly damp girl sitting on their couch. His eyebrows shot up in surprise, but his lips broadened into a soft smile.

“Ah, Sanasol. How sweet of you. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I would have put on something nicer,” he joked, gesturing to his sweatpants and wrinkled t-shirt.

Sana shrugged her shoulders.

“I didn’t really plan it. It just sort of happened,” she said.  

She turned her gaze down to lap and fiddled with the string of Even’s hoodie. She didn’t know what to say or how to act. A large part of her was shocked that neither of the boys were yelling at her or telling her to leave. After all, she was the reason Isak’s face looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. She watched her hosts exchange a worried glance out of the corner of her eye. She felt Isak settle onto the couch next to her and saw Even’s feet move to do the same. A careful hand came up to her shoulder and squeezed lightly.

“Is everything alright, Sana?” Isak asked.

Sana wanted to laugh. Things had never felt less alright in her entire life. One of her best friends was pissed at her and another had stabbed her in the back. She was being ousted from her own bus, ostracized by her classmates and her crush had gone ahead and kissed another girl after making her think that he liked her. Not to mention her brother had slammed his fist into one of the only people she felt she could trust and she had managed to bring up ugly past aggressions between Even and the balloon boys. The world had been crumbling around her for weeks and now it was all just laying at her feet in a giant heap. She didn’t realize she was crying again until Isak’s grip got tighter.

“Hey, hey, Sana, what’s wrong?” he asked, worry seeping into his voice.

Even shifted from where he was sitting and kneeled in front of her, offering up a box of tissues. Sana pulled a couple out and blew her nose.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

“For what?” Isak asked.

Sana did laugh this time, but it was devoid of humour.

“For everything,” she said. “For your face, for the karaoke bar, for showing up at your doorstep and dumping my shit on you when you’ve already had a hard week.”

Isak shook his head vigorously and rubbed his hand up and down her arm.

“You don’t have to apologize for any of that. What happened was not your fault, okay? It had nothing to do with you.”

“But it did,” Sana took a shaky breath. “Elias is my brother.”

Isak let out a chuckle and tilted his head to the side.

“Yeah, I know,” he said.

“You know?”

He nodded.

“Yeah, Even told me.”

Sana glanced at the boy kneeling in front of her. He was staring up at her with big, incredibly blue eyes, apology and regret written all over his face. For someone so young, he had experienced more than his fair share of pain and heartbreak. Sana cared about him an exuberant amount.

“You…” she started.

“Not everything,” Even said, his gaze landing on his boyfriend. “But most of it. An overview, at least.”

“I shouldn’t have invited them,” Sana said. “I didn’t think about it. I was being selfish. I wanted to see… well either way, it was stupid and I’m sorry.”

Even put his hand on her knee and gave her a soft, sad smile.

“There we go with that word again. Sana, listen to me. The fight wasn’t your fault. That was me and Mikael and Elias. You couldn’t have known that was going to happen, so please stop blaming yourself for it.”

Even punctuated the last part of the sentence by making her look directly into his eyes. Sana sniffled and accepted yet another tissue. Isak gently kicked out his foot to tap his boyfriend on the leg, catching the older boy’s attention.

“Okay, don’t you go blaming yourself either, dickhead,” he said. “I was the one who shoved him and Elias was the one who started throwing punches, so you had no part in it.”

If it had been anyone else saying it, the words would have probably sounded rude, but coming from Isak it only sounded fond. Leave it to a seventeen-year-old boy to make an insult seem endearing. Sana smiled a little despite herself. She really did love these boys.

“Alright, good. So now that we have that out of the way, do you wanna tell us why you skipped class and took an impromptu walk in the rain?”

ONSDAG 17:00

After pouring her heart out to the two of them about the Russ bus and Vilde and even about Yousef, Sana felt marginally better. Isak and Even had listened intently the whole time, offering noises of indigence and confusion at different moments and graciously not commenting when her voice cracked over certain parts. It was nice to let it all out and more importantly to have someone care enough to pay attention. By the time she had finished it had begun to grow dark outside.

“Screw them, Sanasol,” Isak finally said, his long fingers playing with Even’s pant leg.

At some point during her speech, Even had migrated back to the couch and wrapped himself around his boyfriend, so that they were now in a tangle of limbs. Sana usually hated PDA, but they looked so cozy and happy that she couldn’t even fault them for it. There was something about their interactions that made all her qualms about relationships melt away. Sana liked that they gave her space while simultaneously making her feel welcome and she liked that even though they were stupidly in love, they didn’t shove it down her throat the way Vilde and Magnus did. She was comfortable around them.

She smiled at Isak and his outburst.

“That’s easy for you to say, Isabell. They aren’t your friends.”

Isak spluttered and put his hand on his chest in mock offence.

“They are too my friends. Eva and I are best buddies. And Noora was my roommate not even a month and a half ago.”

“Yeah, but you don’t see them every day. And you have other people to hang out with. Like Jonas and Mahdi.”

“So, come hang out with us.” Isak said, pushing his toe into Sana’s thigh. “We’re your friends, you know.”

Sana fake glared and poked his foot, but felt her heart warm at the offer. Maybe she didn’t have to do this alone after all.

“But what about Elias and Mikael and Yousef?” she asked, risking a glance at Even.

He met her gaze softly. There were obvious nerves showing in his expression, but he still grinned at her. He brushed his fingers through Isak’s hair gently.

“Don’t worry about that,” he said. “We can deal with it when the time comes. For now, let’s just worry about the next minute.”

He and Isak shared some sort of private smile at the words and though it should have made Sana feel left out, it didn’t. She just smiled along with them.

“Okay,” she said. “Yeah, I can do that.”

[songketalliance]

Down the Rabbit Hole

“The most challenging but invaluable skill I developed in managing my anxieties (that causes irritability, depression and aggressive speech and/or behaviours in me) was how I manage my anxieties in relation to my interactions with people I love.”

by Haley B

Some days living with mental health issues can feel absolutely impossible. And I say this so that whoever reads this understands that the feeling of just how impossible it is, it can completely debilitate you, hold you down to the floor, trouble-breathing-kind-of-impossible.

Having said that however, with a lot of help, living with mental health issues can be doable.

I had no inkling of having issues with my mental health until one of my lecturers at University described me to be on this "downward spiral" because of failing two modules and suggested I speak to the Uni counselor.

I spoke to the nice lady and felt better. I was training to be a clinician myself, and trusted her to do her job as a qualified individual.

So, I poured myself out like water out of a glass, wanting her to strain the debris of sadness out of me so I could walk out of the session, as clear as water out of a tap.

Little did I know mental health isn't as straightforward as a simple water filtration system.

Mental health was a rabbit hole.

I am Alice who followed the white rabbit and tumbled down the hole of my past traumas, all the pain I've experienced, the hurtful words of yore bled red, alive and glowing in the dark crevices of my mind.

It was not merely a case of failing subjects that had put me in that spot. It was how I perceived that event and what it meant to me was how I learned that the way I processed the event was different.

I anchored my self worth and entire existence to succeeding in getting that degree. "Student" was my identity then before I could become "worker" (and "provider" for my family). How could I get to progress to any of that if I failed there? If I lost that, I would lose my reason to live.

What sense was there to exist.

I remember my heart breaking over and over living in between reality conflicting with my "truth".

I remember attending class after class, feeling numb and watching days pass by. Life kept moving but I wasn't.

It wasn't until we sat in our counselling module and the lecturer taught us about metacognition. It was about developing awareness of how one thinks. "Thinking about thinking".

I didn't know it then, but developing meta cognitive skills allowed me to patch myself up enough before I finally saw a psychiatrist. She said I had depression while I was overseas-but somehow managed to overcome it.

I was able to see the way I was processing an event, and saw it like a sequence backwards:

I am upset. Why am I upset? Because I failed so and so. Why does that matter so much? Because I'm failing mom. How can we fix that? Do better at the resit.

My current therapist tells me this skill is what helps me challenge my negative thoughts.

How I challenge my negative thoughts isn't by two opposing versions of me having a duel on a battlefield in my mind-although that's pretty cool.

I just steal myself during the chaos.

When those ugly voices begin multiplying in my mind, and I cannot stop crying, and it's hard to breathe.

I steal a moment and tell myself to take a deep breath.

I tell myself, "Allah inda zalim (my Lord is not evil)" and I exhale.

That has been my everlasting truth. After that I would work my way back to each dark and negative sentence and answer them.

"You're a fraud"

-"I graduated"

"You're a sinner"

-"But I love my Lord"

"You're a bad friend"

-"My friends love me"

The most challenging but invaluable skill I developed in managing my anxieties (that causes irritability, depression and aggressive speech and/or behaviours in me) was how I manage my anxieties in relation to my interactions with people I love.

I have said the most awful things to my partner during bouts of anxiety. Some have hurt him so much, it amazes me until this day how we could ever get over those nasty fights.

But through those unfortunate moments, I was even more motivated to be diligent in examining my thoughts and feelings. Through those experiences I was able to take a step back during disagreements. Was I reacting this way because it's an appropriate response or is there a learned (possibly toxic) expectation that lay beyond it and I was trying to exert dominance?

Having mental health issues isn't easy. One of the biggest ironies, was having an episode on mental health day 10/10/19 and needing to call Talian Harapan. 

There is no quick fix. And it is something I will need to address in some way or another my whole life. But it's a part of who I am, and it isn't ideal but it is doable. 

by Haley B

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[imagined-tales]

Haunting Memories

(Attention: This story contains my OC Alcina and the OC of a dear friend of mine, Mimosa)

Blood filled her blurry vision, the stench of death heavy in the air. Time seemed to move like slow motion. It was horrifying, the scene, the surroundings. A wrecked landscape before her, a warzone. How did she know? She stood on a hill, observed. Observed, how the people fled, panicked, died. By the hands of her men. Shouting orders in Italian, she felt her lips curl into a cold, cruel smile. No, it wasn't her. Her mind screamed, begged for the body to stop, but to no avail. She was stuck in a body that wasn't hers, trapped. Sounds were dulled, sight too. It felt like she was high on drugs. Until a deafening sound tore her away.

Breathing heavily, cold sweat dripping down her forehead, Alcina shot awake in her bed. After few moments of silence, only filled with her ragged breaths, she managed to calm down, and her body stopped shaking. Slowly but surely, she recovered and hugged her knees, resting a sweaty forehead on them. It was one of those nights where the memories haunted her, merciless and gruesome as ever. It was the gift and the burden of the clan, an everlasting proof that she was the descendant and heir of a crime syndicate. No matter where she ran, nothing could grant her refuge from these memories, occuring as nightmares; it was like a spider web. The more she struggled, the more she got entangled in the sticky threads, never escaping the eyes of the hunter unyieldingly watching from the dark.

Heart beating faster than ever, thoughts rushed through her mind and she hugged herlself closer. Calm down, she told herself, everything is alright. These are just memories. You are not like your ancestors. You do not commit such crimes.

Simple phrases. But they worked. Her heart calmed down. That was, until another boom could be heard, coming from the distance. Alcina knew what those sounds were: fireworks. People who could not await silvester and decided to gloat over the colourful little explosions days before the event itself took place. Alcina also knew that these people meant no harm, that fireworks were simply ejoyable to look at, the way the colours burst through their little shell in the sky, like a painting on the dark canvas of the night sky. But no matter how many years she told herself these things, the growing  nervousness and anxiety that crept up this time of the year around never went away, but instead lingered in the back of her very being, haunting her.

Dazed, Alcina looked out of the window into the night sky. Stars littered it, beautiful as ever. A quick glance at the clock on the small nightstand told her it was five am in the morning, and so she decided to get up, make herself presentable and start her day.

As the young woman went on with her day, the cowering, terrified her from the night before seemed like an illusion; she was a proud Overwatch agent, strong, looked up to. She did not show a sign of her weakness. No matter how much she tried to hide her distress however, as the days went on, her friends noticed something was not right. She was unconcentrated, nervous, almost constantly frightened, especially when fireworks went off in the distance. Those were only single explosions, occuring at random times during the days, but every time one of those went off, the warrior flinched hard, with an increasing intensity.

Needless to say, the others were worried about their friend. Mimosa had tried to strike up a conversation concerning the matter, but was quickly shut down with a fake smile and some dull excuses. Hana too, tried to talk to Alcina, as the Korean girl was very close to her older colleague, and tried to take her mind off of things by playing games with her. Genji too, was close to Alcina, but knew that she did not like talking about what she thought made her "weak", so he tried more subtle advances. Asking her to meditate with him and his master Zenyatta in their usual spot on the rooftop, but upon learning that they were outside, she quickly shut his invitantions down too.

As time went by, Alcina was rarely seen around the base, yet alone outside, spending most of the time alone in her quarters, isolated from the others. Angela was the first one to run out of patience. The doctor knew that Alcina and her were not on good terms with each other, and that she rather visited the other doctor, Mimosa, if she needed anything, but one night Alcina stood at her doorstep asking for really strong sleeping medication. The Swiss was not having it, shoving their differences aside and refusing her aid until the Italian talked. It took a lot of pushing and threats to tell Mimosa what she came here for, when Alcina finally crumbled under the pressure. Playing with a strand of her ashen hair, she confessed what had caused her to behave so strange lately. The doctor already had her assumptions concerning the topic, and was right when the younger woman confessed about the fireworks. No matter how much she tried to tell herself she was just being delusional, the constant fear of these gunshot like sounding things would not stop.

It was a testament of the hardships she had been through, and Angela understood. During all her time in Overwatch, the medic has seen countless soldiers crumble beneath the burdens that came with being an agent, and was acquainted with the traumas that wormed their way into ones psyche. Battlefields never let you leave the way you entered them. They were unforgiving, unforgetting. Mercy sighed. She gave Alcina some light medication to help her for the night and made a mental note to tell those close to her about her predicament; they would be able to help, meanwhile she couldn't.

The next day went slightly better: Alcina showed herself around the base, though she still did not go outside. Fulfilling the unspoken promise Dr.Ziegler made last night, a few Overwatch members were let in on a little secret, and soon enough, Alcina had to deal with her very concerned friends. This time, they knew what was up und excuses were futile.

,,Cina! Why didn't you tell us sooner? We could have helped you!" It was Hanas voice that bewildered Alcina. Laced with worry and a little bit of anger, the smaller girl stood before her, a conflicted expression on her face. ,,She is right. I can help you with your trauma, you know? These kind of things are my speciality." Mimosa too, spoke up, though his face showed mostly concern and even a tad sadness. Noticing her puzzlement, he frowned. ,,Angela told us about what happened yesterday night. We had no clue you had a trauma like that..." It must have shown that she wanted to escape the situation, because Hana quickly grabbed her wrist, a begging look in her eyes. ,,Please don't run again. We just want to help, you know? We're worried about you."

,,I know, my friends, and I must apologise for my behaviour. The past days and nights have been quite... Stressful for me. I did not mean to cause you worry." Her Italian accent came out thick, as it always did, when Alcina was not feeling very well. ,,So, now that you're finally ready to talk to us, why don't you elaborate?" This time it was neither Hana nor Mimosa who spoke, but an elderly woman with an eyepatch, otherwise known as Ana. She may be a woman of age, and fairly older than herself, but Alcina still got along with her nicely. Often, the two would just sit together over a cup of tea and talk about god and the world, enjoying some peace and quiet together. Leaning against the wall however stood another person, or rather, a cyborg. Genji preferred to keep quiet and listen first, before talking. Just like Ana, Alcina had not noticed his presence. Another sign for her missing well being.

Sighing, the warrior sat down, and Hana with her, though her hand had wandered from the wrist to the hand of her older friend, giving it an ecouraging squeeze.

The four of them listened quietly, as the ashen haired woman talked about her haunting nightmares that left her sleepless at night, the fireworks that reminded her of gunshots and when asked why she did not decide to talk sooner, she answered that these weaknessess of hers felt like an unsightly shortcoming. She was a warrior and a professional Overwatch agent. Surely someone like her, who usually seemed to overflow with pride and confidence, could not be scared by something so minor like fireworks! She felt embarassed, even childish, to admit such a thing.

,,It is not unsightly to show weakness. Weaknessesses can only make us stronger if we face them." Genjis robotic voice was comforting as he lay a hand on her shoulder. ,,He's right dear. Everyone has a weakness. Besides, I have seen many soldiers younger than you with worse traumas. The battlefield affects us all in some kind of way, it is only natural to carry its burdens." Ana too, had come closer, a smile playing on her lips. Her tone was soothing, understanding. Suddenly, Alcina did not feel the need anymore to put up a strong mask and act like everything was alright. But instead, a warm feeling slowly rose in her chest, stretching out and soon reaching her lips too, causing her to smile.

,,Now, who wants some tea? I for sure would love a nice, hut cup." Ana had a somewhat motherly attitude as she offered to make tea. ,,And after that, we can play games to take your mind off of things!" Hana chirped in, visibly excited, drawing out a chuckle from the others. ,,And I could help you with a more medical approach to the situation." Softly but determined, Mimosa too stepped forwards. ,,My offer to meditate with my master and me still stands." Altough he wore his visor, Alcina was sure Genji smiled beneath it.

,,I must thank you all, from the bottom of my heart." Openly touched, she had looked around her closest friends, regretting she did not talk to them sooner. Upon hearing this, Hana squeezed her hand again

,,You don't have to thank us, that's what friends are for!"