#i would tag batman but he does not give girl dad energy

[girlboysupreme]

current favorite genre of movie/tv:

stressed out girl-dad navigates the apocalypse

[remosdeerica]

Batshit AU Pt #2: The Grandkids

So I mentioned in the last post Batshit AU Pt. #1 that I cover Dick and Jason's kids but since I've been thinking (read: fantasizing) about the future of the Batfam I figured I'd just do a post with ALL the grandkids!

Just a heads up: this is a LONG post.

First we shall start with the Grayson's:

Mar'i and Jake (Jake is not my original name I've seen it pop up in other media- dunno if it's canon in any timeline but I'm going with it).

Mar'i Grayson: Mar'i is the biologically daughter of Dick Grayson and Koriand'r of Tamaran (aka Starfire). Kori is unknowingly pregnant after one last one-night-stand with Dick before going back to her home planet to take over as queen. Unfortunately, because of Kori's sister Komand'r (aka Blackfire) causing civil unrest to try and usurp the thorn from her, Tamaran becomes unsafe for Mar'i as she is Kori's only heir.

-Kor'i goes back to Earth with an infant Mar'i and begrudgingly hands her over to Dick so she can live with him and be safe from Blackfire.

-Kori of course visits while she can but has a lot of responsibilities on Tamaran. When Mar'i is older she is able to go back to Tamaran to visit her mother.

-A few years later when Dick and Barbra get married, Barbra officially adopts Mar'i. Seeing both Kor'i and Barbra as her mothers Mar'i decides so call Kori "Mama" and Barbra "Mom/Mommy".

Jake Grayson: don't have much of an exciting backstory for him. He was basically just an orphaned infant Dick and Barbra decided to adopt after his bio-parents had been murdered.

Now he have the Todd family:

Because I am a heartless monster I decided that since Roy died in the comics without any sign of Lian and Jason was pretty fucked up about it, I would have Jason adopt Lian because Roy wasn't round to take care of her. So this is basically what happened:

Lain Harper-Todd: 1 year or so after Roy's death, Jason is visited by Jade Nguyen (aka Cheshire) who is carrying an infant Lian. Jade explains that she hadn't realised she was pregnant with Roy's child until after he was already dead and since she is not ready to give up her life as an assassin she states that Lian is better off without her. She then asks Jason if he would be willing to take Lian in as Roy's former partner (read into that how you will).

-Jason agrees, and decides to hyphenate her last name Harper-Todd so that she will always have a piece of Roy with her even if he can't be there for her in person.

it's not that I don't think JayRoy is cute! It's just that I honestly I don't really picture Jason dating anyone in my mind and the thought of him being a single dad is just precious. I'm also allergic to OC's (of my own making) so I usually try to keep to characters that are at least canon in some timeline and Lian was the first to come to mind.

Also I'm a angst-hungry monster so...

Drake-Wayne/Dowd/McGinnis household:

Lol, this family has too many names.

I already went over Terry and Matthew McGinnis' backstory in Batshit AU Pt. #1 but if you are too lazy/ don't feel like reading it I'll try to make sure to cover the important details.

Terry & Matthew McGinnis: A few years down the road, Tim is the current Batman and married to Bernard Dowd (my new fave batship). One night on patrol he finds the boys hunkered down behind an garbage container and approaches them.

-Terry is extremely protective of his younger brother Matt and becomes immediately aggressive, swinging a baseball around and threatening Tim to leave them alone.

-Tim finds it admirable/endearing that Terry is willing to face Batman alone in order to protect his brother and tells him so. He then asks them where there parents and and Matt (trusting Batman) tells Tim that they were killed by the 'Bad Men' who are now looking for he and Tarry.

-Tim is worried for the boys safety and offers to take them to the Police, but Tarry only says that they already tried that and that there are spies in the GCPD who ratted them out to the 'Bad Men'.

-Tim figures out that the boys are in more danger then he first realized and takes them home with him in order to protect them.

-Tim eventually finds out about Project Batman Beyond, an experiment orchestrated by A.R.G.U.S. in order to create the perfect child to usurp the Cowl and give A.R.G.U.S and 'in' with the Justice League and the super-community as a whole. A part of this project is making sure the children are biologically Bruce Wayne's in order for them to also gain influence over Wayne Enterprises.

-Tim realizes that there is no real safe place that he can send the boys and after discussing it with his husband, Bernard, the two decide to adopt the boys.

I think this adoption story is one of my favourites. Especially because I find the idea of Bernard not at all being surprised by his husband brining home black-haired blue-eyes orphans, hilarious.

Bernard: I figured since you are now Batman it was only a matter of time.

Tim: >:(

Wayne-Kent situation:

DamiJon is one of my absolute favourite ships in existence. But since both boys are so young in canon my version of their future relationship truly is creature of my own design, I will explain them a little and then the kids. I'll be quick about it. Promise. (There is also a 2 part series I'm working on that goes into my version of events called "Jon and Damian" if anyone is interested. Jon's chapter is done but Damian's is still in the works).

Jon: he is the one that I really have to explain. I call my version of him "Dark-ish Jon" or 'dark ish jon' for the tags. For those of you who already know the deal (or don't really care) y'all can skip to the *** for the kids.

-basically Jon was kidnapped by Jon-El (Clark's Kryptonian Bio-dad) in order for Jor-El to mold Jon into the perfect weapon for his plan to conquer the universe. They have a machine that Jumps through various timelines so no one can find them, and Jon-El trains/tortures Jon for 2 years.

-Jon eventually discovers new powers that allow him to kill Jor-El and escape but he ends up spending the next several years trying to find his original timeline.

-He eventually meets the Legion of Superheroes that help him get home, but once he arrives home he realizes that for him it has been 7 years since he was kidnaped, but only 2 weeks for his family/friends.

-Because of this he and his family find it hard to adjust to the new situation and Jon ultimately decides to return to the Legion but visit occasionally.

Damian: Honestly I don't think I really have to explain much about Damian for y'all to get the kids but I do want you to know:

He has long hair

He has peirced ears

Possibly tattoos?

He's has more of a slim figure than Bruce's bulky one

He is a fashion icon and kinda has 'bitchy white girl' energy

Bacically he very pretty and looks a LOT like Thalia

And yeah. The two eventually reconcile after Jon is done moping in another timeline and they decide to retire from crime fighting and build a cottage/farm and live in peace.

***

Athanasia: So she is actually Bruce's bio-kid from the Injustice timeline. And for my AU she is still Bruce's biologically and she does recognize him as her father, but because she and Damian are 13/14 years apart and she knows him better she lives and defers to him as her caretaker. I shall explain:

-Athanasia was created by Thalia in a fit of madness after Damian's death. Because of what happened to Damian, and because Athanasia turned out to be a girl (and therefor Ra's would have no use for her), Thalia keeps the little girl locked away and a secret so that no one can harm her.

-Years pass and Athanasia has never seen the outside would. Eventually something happens (will depends on the Fic -because I will get around to writing this shit eventually) and Athanasia is given to Damian (the only other person Thalia ever told her about.)

-At this point Bruce is getting older and most of his current children already have their own kids, so both he and Damian agree that because Athanasia is mostly attached to Damian and doesn't really know who Bruce is outside of being her father, that she will live with he and Jon.

-Athanasia get's older and eventually meets another girl at her school named Carrie Kelley. The girls form a quick bond, Carrie's louder personality complementing Athanasia's more quiet one.

Carrie Kelley: being best friends with Athanasia leads to Carrie spending a lot of time over at her house. This allows Jon and Damian to get to know the girl and become quite fond of her.

-one night after a sleepover at Jon and Damian's house with some of their other friends, Carrie's father comes to the house drunk and carrying a shot gun. He accuses Jon and Damian of being pedophiles because of their sexual orientations and calls them a variety of homophobic slurs.

-It's his attempts at shooting Jon that leads to Carrie calling 911 and having her own father arrested.

-Because her mother had already left and Carrie only had her dad to take care of her, Jon and Damian offer her a place in their home and eventually adopt her along with Athanasia when the girls are teenagers.

So, yeah! That's it for now. I am absolutely obsesses with this AU. I just love the idea of Bruce deciding to take in Dick leading to him having an army of children and grandchildren so large that all family gatherings have to happen at the Manor because nowhere else is big enough.

[ri-ahhh]

Okay but hear me out: Grayson begging to come with you to take care of your baby siblings (like 2 and 4 years old) and he’s ON IT but then they get really out of hand and he’s like “I can see why birth control is a thing”

Listen I worked in a daycare for four years and I’m a firm believer that anyone wanting to have a kid needs to work that job for a week. Or like, forget the stupid baby dolls you take care of in high school, let a 15 yr old take care of 5 babies or 10 2 yr olds by themselves and see if they’ll have unprotected sex lol

You’re walking around your apartment, straightening up the place and removing anything potentially breakable or that might be a choking hazard in preparation for the day you promised to babysit your niece and nephew, when your phone buzzes in the back pocket of your jeans.

“Hello?” you answer, unplugging a stray phone charger from the wall socket by the couch and replacing it with one of the childproof plastic covers.

“Hey,” came Grayson’s voice on the other end of the line. “What time do you think you’ll head over?”

You pause in the middle of the room, confused momentarily, then smack your palm to your forehead. You had totally forgotten the plans you had made with your boyfriend to have a pool day at his house. 

“Shit. I’m sorry, Gray. I totally forgot, I told my brother like three weeks ago that I’d watch his kids for the day while he and his wife go house hunting.”

“Oh, damn,” he says, disappointed. His voice perks up when he speaks again, however. “I love kids, though! What if I came over and helped you out?”

You raise an eyebrow. “You want to spend your Saturday wrangling two toddlers? They’re little hellions, babe, to put it nicely.”

You can hear his grin through the phone. “Yeah. I wanna see you be an auntie.”

After a few seconds of hesitation, you relent. You’d be lying if you tried to say that you aren’t thinking about him being in dad mode for the day now, too. “Alright, but you don’t get to bail when shit hits the fan. Let me check that it’s cool with my brother.”

An hour later, you’ve got your just-turned-two niece Cami and her four year-old brother Cash sitting on your couch, entranced by Aquanauts playing on the TV, when Grayson knocks at the door. The kids’ heads jerk up, and your nephew looks at you questioningly, always excited for the opportunity to be a big boy and answer the door. You smile and nod, giving him permission to scramble off the couch with you following close behind.

You help him heave the door open, and he looks up at Grayson standing there, friendly smile fixed on his face when he sees your nephew. 

“Hey, little man! Can I come in?”

Cash nods with an excited smile of his own. You had already told him that your friend Grayson would be coming over to play with them. Outgoing and extroverted and a genuine people-person to no end, he had been as jittery and excited as if you had given him a spoonful of sugar ever since.

Grayson steps past the threshold of your apartment, and holds his fist out for Cash to bump. “I’m Grayson.”

You feel two little hands tug on your shirt, and you look down to see Cami reaching up to be held, curious about this new person but also cautious. You sweep her up and settle her on your hip, then nod at your nephew. “Gray, this is Cash. Tell him how old you are, bud.”

“Four!” he shouts, counting out the correct number of fingers before holding them up to Grayson. “I had a Spider-Man party! Do you like Spider-Man?”

“Dude, I love Spider-Man,” Grayson says exaggeratedly, giving Cash an enthusiastic high-five. He looks at Cami, who’s got her head resting on your shoulder as she watches this stranger interact with her brother. “And who’s this?”

“You gonna tell Grayson your name?” you ask Cami, knowing it’ll be hit or miss if she does or not. Much more of an introvert and also used to having an older silbling do everything for her, she isn’t quite as quick to warm up to people as her rambunctious brother. Sure enough, today is a no-go, but she still observes Grayson with big eyes and a fascinated little smile. 

Before you can answer your boyfriend, Cash speaks for her in that typical older-sibling fashion. “Her name is Campbell, but we call her Cami. Or Cam.”

“No way! My sister’s name is Cam, too!”

That’s all the small talk and mutual ground Cash needs to grab Grayson by the wrist and drag him into your living room to play with the pile of toys on the rug. He flashes you a grin as he passes, clearly impressed with himself that he’s already made such good friends with Cash.

You grin and roll your eyes, but follow them and sit with your back resting against the couch and Cami planted in your lap.

Admittedly, Grayson is a natural as he makes all the appropriate dinosaur and car crash noises and gladly accepts the Batman action figure instead of Spider-Man. He even coaxes Cami to take one of the animal figures, meeting her smile with a bright one of his own, glad to be making some headway now with the precious little girl in your arms.

Until Cash catches sight of the little plastic tiger now in Cami’s hands, and decides to ruin the moment completely.

“That’s mine, Cam!” he shouts, dropping Spider-Man and snatching the toy from her.

You know it’s coming, but Grayson is completely unprepared for the shrieking scream that Cami lets out as she clambers off your lap to take back the toy. Gray winces and looks at you in shock, but you’re just immediately going into ‘stop the fight’ mode.

“Cash, you weren’t even playing with that,” you reprimand, holding out your hand for him to reluctantly drop the toy into. You sit Cami on the rug next to him and make her look you in the eye. “Cami, use your words next time. What do you say when you want something?”

Her eyes light up when she sees the toy in your hand that she knows is about to belong to her once again. “P’ease!” she says, swiping her hand across her chest as well, leftover baby sign language engrained in her little brain.

You hand her the toy and make her say ‘thank you’ as well, then catch Grayson watching you in awe. “You handled that well,” he says.

You blush a little and shrug, crawling across the carpet now that the kids are happy and occupied so you can plant a soft kiss to his lips. “Hi,” you murmur, grinning against his mouth.

He chuckles and kisses you again, equally as chaste. “Hi.”

There are a couple more arguments that you have to stop, then they settle down for a bit while they eat a morning snack of banana slices and Cheerios. Cami definitely dumps her half-empty bowl on the floor to signify that she’s finished, and Cash accidentally spills his water everywhere after taking the lid off because ‘he’s not a baby.’ Grayson offers to clean it up while you take the kids to the bathroom to wipe Cami’s messy hands and face and to change Cash’s soaking wet clothes.

There’s a park nearby your apartment, so once everything is tidy again, the two of you round up the excited little balls of energy and head out the door. Both kids have easily become infatuated with Grayson, and as the four of you walk the sidewalk on your way to the park, he carries Cami on his hip while holding tightly on to Cash’s hand to stop him from chasing bugs into traffic. It’s an adorable image, to say the least, and makes your chest swell warmly.

You like watching him run around with Cash equally as much while you push Cami on the baby swings. Grayson is learning first-hand that even someone as in-shape as himself is no match for the energy of an excited four year-old. He chases Cash around the playground, flies him around like an airplane, and plays a game of tag before finally convincing him to come to the swings as well.

You laugh when he makes his way over, panting heavily. “Having fun?” you ask amusedly.

Grayson doesn’t answer, just takes his place behind the swing Cash chooses and catches his breath for a moment as he starts to push him.

“Just trying to figure out how my dad did this with me and E.”

Lunch and nap come next, which goes a little smoother than snack had. Grayson plays with them on the floor again while you cook, and you let him put out the squabbles himself until everything is ready. Cash only puts up a small fight when you lay them down in your bed. They’re both out in a matter of minutes, exhausted by the activities and excitement of their morning.

When you emerge back in the living room, you find Grayson slumped on the couch, staring at the TV that’s now playing Dora.

“Brushing up on your Spanish?” you ask, plopping down next to him and snuggling up to his side. “Or are you watching for the adventure?”

Grayson chuckles and wraps his arm around your shoulder so he can pull you closer to him, his voice gruff and tired. “You were right. Hellions, both of them. Cute, but insane.”

You tip your head up to kiss the underside of his jaw. “For what it’s worth, they loved you.”

“Really?” he asks, his voice lighting up with the smile you can’t see.

You nod against his chest, grinning as you think back on the day. “Absolutely. Cami never takes to strangers that fast, and you were able to keep up with Cash, which is a feat not many others can do.”

He’s quiet for a moment. “Kinda makes me scared to have kids now. It’s only been like five hours and I’m already exhausted.”

“You’re meant to be a dad Gray,” you assure him quietly, lifting your head and offering him a gentle smile. “If I didn’t already know that before, everything I saw today definitely made me think so. And no good thing comes easy, right? I think being a little tired is worth having one of those of your own, don’t you?”

“For sure,” he nods, cupping your cheek and dipping down to kiss you softly.

You hum into his mouth, needy for him now that you’ve got him all to yourself, and wrap your arms around his neck to pull him down until you’ve got him sprawled our on top of you. You trace his lips with your tongue before slipping it between them, but at the first slide of it against his, Grayson pulls back.

“Is this okay, you know, with them...?” He nods down the hall to the closed door of your room.

You nod. “They’re heavy sleepers. We should probably keep it to over the clothes stuff just in case, though. And my brother will be here in an hour to get them, so we only have to wait until then.”

It’s enough to satisfy him, and Grayson ducks down again, ready to pick right back up, until he breaks away from your mouth once more.

“What?” you ask breathily, looking up at him with both confusion and frustration.

He reaches an arm behind you to grab the remote sitting on the arm of the couch. “I’m sorry, I just can’t make out while Dora is screaming at me to ‘vamonos.’”

[popculturebuffet]

Top 13 Venture Bros Episodes!

In honor of it’s recent passing I take a look at the best episodes of easily one of the best adult animated, or animated period, shows ever and one of my faviorites. Join me as I look back on Grand Galactic High  Inquistors, Venturestiens, ninja filled first dates, Noir, super science garage sales and much more under the cut, and GO TEAM VENTURE!

As I said in the teaser.. the Venture Bros is one of my favorite shows of all time. Starting way back in 2003, the show created by Jackson “Christopher Mculloch” Publick and from mid season 1 onwards cowritten, plotted and what have you by his best friend and creative soulmate Doc Hammer, the show enjoyed a healthy 17 year run on adult swim, making it the longest standing show and despite the years of hiatuses between episodes it’s most popular till Rick and Morty came around. The show endured through changing trends in animation, network shifts and scabies until it’s recently announced, though apparently having happened months ago, cancellation.  I watched the show from the start, sneaking it as a boy and by my teen years watching it every week online through Adult Swim’s website and lapping up every episode, becoming a huge fan in the process and continuing my huge love of the series through the rest of it’s life, breifly forgetting to watch season 6 but getting back to it weekly for the 7th, and currently unless adult swim does indeed find a way to bring it back, final season. This show has been a part of my life since it started, and a part of me for slightly less long: it informed my sense of humor, probably informed my comics taste in ragtag groups consiting of lesser known characters, and informed me david bowie existed for which my life will ever be better.  It was a part of me and while I gave it a breif memorial earlier I felt after my long content hiatus due to my moven to another room, and for the 1 of you reading this who reads my amphibia weekly coverage it’ll be back shortly, that honoring a show that gave me so much and made me who I am, in a good way I know i’m kind of a mess so that statment could be seen as a threat in some states, by diving into my faviorite episodes of it and the ones I honeslty consider i’ts finest half hours.. or hours in two cases but we’ll get to that. 

For now it’s time to have your ro-bo pour you a red mocho cooler, slap on your vintage batman mask, and eat some pennies quizboys, this is my top 13 venture bros episodes. Pitter Patter!

13. It Happening One Night (Season 6, Episode 6) 

Season 6 had a huge burst of fresh energy and ideas: Doc and Jackson moved the show to New York for a number of reasons: To shake things up, because they lived there and thus could inject the energy of a city they loved in and because one of the series biggets inspriations is marvel comics, as seen by the sheer number of marvel parodies and homages in comparison to dc or other superhero outlets, so having New York be the big hub for superhero and villian activity in the ventureverse was a no brainer. This also moved the ventures from an isolated corner of the Ventureverse on their old compound, which burned down in the gargantua 2 special, right into the heart of it, bringing in tons of new characters to the already large cast. Not only that but it thrust our heroes and villian protaganists both into new and intresting situations: Doctor Venture was suddenly rich and running his own think tank with white and billy. Dean was going to college, Hank found a love intrest in Serena, more on that obviously in a second, Brock returned to the team proper as bodyguard once more, while the Monarch grappled with both his father being a hero and his wife being promoted and their marraige hitting choppy waters. It had great new characters like warina and serena, brought fan faviorite brown widow in if not as much as i’d like frankly, but there’s always room for nathan fillion, and freshened things up a bit.  Granted one of Venture Bros biggest strengths was it didn’t have the rigid status quo, or entire lack of any continuity a lot of animated shows at the time and even now have, that things changed and evolved and the universe was dense as it was wonderful. But here instead of just moving the pieces around the board and maybe slapping on some new coats of pait, they threw the board up and put the pieces on an enitrley new one. However all this experimentation did nick the show a little: while it was a step up from the rather standard outside of Dean’s plot Season 5 (which not concendtially is the only season not represented here), it also felt like the plots were a bit looser and some characters like Dermott and Dr. Orpheous, one of whom had a huge untouched subplot and the other who was a beloved fan faviorite and fixture of the show since season 1, got left out all together. It was a decent season it just felt lacking at times, and the Monarch and Shielda’s relationship disolving wasn’t at all fun to watch and thankfully got resolved next season. And that was the other problem: Due to wanting to give their big epic finale the room it needed and only having 8 episodes to work with due to the special, they had to move it to next season which meant it just sorta.. ended with most things left unresolved till season 7. Thankfully for me I didn’t get around to watching this season till close to 7, but for everyone else they had to wait YEARS for a proper resolution. It was  a mixed bag of a season, the mass changes leading to growing pains, but it had it’s moments. And naturally our one season 6 representivie here is it’s finest. 

It Happening One Night juggles two diffrent but equally awesome plots. In the first Hank goes on his first date with Serena, their new next door neighbor and daughter of big villain in town, new councilman and combination of kingpin and tobias whale, Wide Whale. Serena was one of the best additions to the series, voiced by a game Cristini Miloti, she’s a no nonsense girl with a sharp tounge, an annoyance with her father and his number 2 rocko’s overprotectivness of her and gills and meshes well with hank: Her no nonsense and more down to earth attitude compliments his up int he clouds weirdness and lack of reality really well and the two were cute together. Were... while they’d do.. things I did not like.. with her character next season, for this one she’s great and a fine addition and it was nice to give one of the boys a proper love interest, while also having her be her own person. Sure all her plots centered around hank.. but she still felt like a fully realized addition to the cast and given this was over a decade in with so many great members it wasn’t an easy task.  The date is paticuarlly hank as he has a carraige (his air car) ready, has dean chauffer them, has Billy and White show up as street toughs to challenge him to a dance off and dinner is at a ninja themed restraunt Dean’s friend Jared, aka brown widow, works at. It’s really adorable and charming stuff, and the two genuinely bond, and Hank gets some good character stuff. He genuinely worries Serena is only intrested to piss off her dad.. but fins she likes him for who he is: his charm, his lack of fear, and the fact he went so far for a romantic gesture he had his friends dress up as street toughs, or the hank venture idea of one anyway, and get into a dance off just to impress. her. it’s really good stuff. The Ninja themed restraunt is also both hilarious and apparently a very real thing the creators actually toned down. I’m unsuprised by all of this. The two also dodge their bodyguards, Brock and Rocco and share a romantic kiss underwater leading to the above. It’s a really good plot and the easy reason why I put it on here and defintely a review cantidate.  The other plot however is just pure comedy and invention. While the Monarch works on his plan to use his dad’s blue morpho guise to take out the other arches on his way to venture, Venture is plauged by the utterly bizzare and utterly delightful Doom Factory: A combination of Andy Warhol and his hangers on and the legion of doom... yes this actually happened. While I know nothing of Warhol and thus a lot of it flew over my head, it’s made up for by the sheer joyous lunacy of having the art school version of the legion of doom arch rusty by invading his house, throwing a party and taking various pictures of him in his underwear. The one mistep of the episode is them getting blown up at the end despite being great, but their one apperance was a treat, and it was such a great and bizzarely speific parody I couldn’t help but love it. It was a good night indeed. 

12. Tag Sale, You’re It! (Season 1, Episode 6 (10 in airing order) Season 1 of The Venture Bros is a bit rocky. It’s not unusual for season 1′s but it’s understandable, espcesially now i’ve read Go Team Venture!: The Art of the Venture Bros, the art book for the series as well as a full on making of for seasons 1-6, and know the team was under immense crunch to get the season done and is likely the reason every season after had a few years between them. But yeah at the start the series was more of a broad comedy, with the characters being the simiplest versions of their characters, the boys in paticular only having “jock and nerd” as things that defined them as seperate people early on and it took a bit for things to come together. However things really started to crystalize into what the show would truly be with two episodes. One we’ll get to later but the other is this one: Tag Sale Your It.  Tag Sale started one of my faviorite recurring themes for the series: Venture Compound Episodes. Basically their episodes where a huge pile of the shows cast get together at the venture compound for whatever reason and chaos, great jokes and great worldbuilding inveitbly insues. It’s good stuff. And it’s usually centerted around a great concept.  In this case all the villians and heroes of the world are gathering at the Venture Compound for of all things, a Garage Sale. Or Tag Sale as it’s called in the title or Yard Sale as Venutre himself calls it. In order to make a quick buck and get rid of some of his dad’s excess scientific wonders, Rusty’s sellling them off to whatever weirdo wants em. it’s an utterly hilarious concept, with Brock complaning about the security risk and the fact Doc is entirely convinced this won’t go horribly wrong despite the fact he has a bargin bin for death rays, one of my faviorite gags of the episode. But there’s still plenty of sense here too: There’s what i’m presuming are OSI agents on standbye, who also screen the various villians to have them check their weapons. 

The episode also opens the cast up considerably introducing Phantom Limb, and fleshing out Billy and Pete, as well as being the episode where two of the casts standouts came into their own as 21 and 24 go off on their own misadventur where 21 uses the monarchs money to buy what turns out ot bea non working lightsaber and tries to fight brock in one of the best scenes of the episode.  Speaking of the Monarch, . The Monarch himself is there to cause miscihief, as usual, as well as have his minons buy him some stuff because he’s not going to miss a bargin, and finds himself struggling to get his hate boner up in a neat subplot, eventually acheiving it even if it gets him stuck to the celing However the other two subplots really shine. Orpheous in a micro plot, and after yelling at Dr. Venture for trying to sell the weed wacker he borrowed from Oprheous, tries to get his own nemisis, a thread that would continue at the end of the season and into the next, having a ghost slap the monarch ot try and get him to become Orpheous arch and telling various villians he’s blasting who they can blame if they want to swear vegnance. It’s short but really funny.  The other however is my faviorite and the plot that really set up hank’s bizzarely and uniquely him personality, which would be expanded on more as the show went on. Annoyed that their dad is selling their old things and getting the money, Hank decides to get him and Dean a piece of the action and sets up his own grinder and lemonade stand, Hank Co, starting the sparkling runner of his bizzare personal buisness, and while the lemonade stand is standard kids stuff, the added oddly specific addition of grinders is what makes it hank as is his oddly agreesive managment style. Dean ends up working for him alongside HELPEr, while Dean awkwardly talks up Orpheous daughter triana. More on that whole thing in a later entry, with Triana joining in. It’s just a fun side bit that ends hilariously as, when the sale cascades into an orgy of violence as it was always destined to, the rest of the team book it while Hank definatly refuses to get knocked down before a shoe hits him. 

IT’s a damn fun time that sets up the backbone of the show’s universe. Nuff Said. 

11. Pinstripes and Poltergeists (Season 4, Episode 8)  Season 4 is easily my faviorite season hands down, and in my opinion the best, in part helped by the fact it’s the longest and thus had the most time to work on it. Like season 6, if on a smaller scale, it threw up the table. While Season 2 and 3 had status quo changes, the Monarch being on his own without the guild or dr girlfriend and then the newly married couple being forced to arch eleswhere this one had probably the biggets shakeups: Brock Sampson left team venture, and was MIA for all but two episodes of the first half, Sgt. Hatred took over as boydguard a move that wasn’t one of there best as while Hatred could be funny at times.. replacing one of the show’s most beloved and most iconic characters with a reformed pedophile who fans already didn’t like all that much in season 3 wasn’t one of Jackson and Doc’s smarter moves let’s be honest. Again he has his moments, but he just wasn’t as compelling or well fleshed out as the rest of hte main cast, helper included.  The other big swing, one admitted in the making of art book that was an intentional risk, was killing off 24, half of the beloved buddy duo of 21  and 24. However this one paid off way better, as 21, while still a husky dork who loves his crappy job, reinvented himself in the wake of hte tragedy, turning a lot of his blubber into muscle (And I say that as a chub myself, so relax), and becoming the badass drill seargent of the cocoon.  But both big changes expertly dovetailed into this episode which explains where brock was after the premiere. The ball gets rolling when the Monarch goes to see Monstroso, a great addition to the series and the sum of all evil lawyer jokes, a lawyer in a pinstripe suit and small devil hood who makes deals with other supervillians, in this case to buy up part of the venture compound to take it from Rusty.   Naturally making a deal with a lawyer super villian who dresses like the devil, every bit of that sentence a red flag, goes poorly. As Shiela points out in one of the series best lines as she berates her husband’s terrible decision making “Monstro’s a lawyer that’s also a super villian. That’s like a shark with a rocket launcher strapped to his head, and the monstroso plans to take the monarch’s stuff as well. It falls to 21 to stop him and 21 is on the venture compound to find our missiing sampson and get answers on who killed his best friend, whose also following him around possibly as a ghost/hallucination.  Speaking of Brock, when exploring a shack on the edge of the property to use it for stuff, Rusty finds instead the base for SPHINX, consiting of Hunter Gathers (Who I hope gets to retransition someday), gay icon Shore Leave, and Brock Himself. Turns out Brocks literally been right there, SPHINX Just needed to stay secret and the pain of not being able to see the boys has seriously hurt brock. And naturally this deal will impact spinix, so they send brock to deal with it.  This leads to the best part of the episode as the above episode gets a callback as 21 challenges brock to a fight.. and to show how far he’s come, instead of becoming a bloody pile on the lawn, fights EVENELY with brock freaking sampson. After it’s confirmed brock has nothing to do with it and 21 and him have wiggle room to operate, the two go after monstroso who next we see needs heart surgery so mission acomplished. This episode is light on jokes, apart from a great one where rusty tells the boys everything before mindwiping them, but good on character stuffs as we find out where Brocks been, meet some good new supporting cast and see just how far 21′s come, and close out the first half of a stellar season iwth a great scene of Brock eating cereal, finally allowed to be part of his family again.

10. Viva Los Muertos! (Season 2, Episode 11)  Season 2 was easily where the show hit it’s stride. While Season 1 is going through growing pains Season 2 has all the setup, half planned ideas and what not mostly out of the way to just focus on building up the world, and characters as well as playing around with things and having the first instance of the show’s refusal to have a set status quo by having the Monarch’s breakup iwth Shiela stick until the end of the season. More on that later. However some experimentation still happened as something that would likely NEVER happen from this point on happened.  See the Venture Bros is very much Jackson and Doc’s baby. While Jackson created it, Doc because just as important and the two share one giant geeky brain. WHile they may argue on some things, the two still agree on most stuff and thus the project has their unified vision of this weirdly specific superhero universe that’s mainly focused on what would be prehriay characters leftover from a one time genre experiment and supervillians. While the staff on the show clearly enjoyed working on it far as I can tell an dare celebrated in the making of when credit’s do, the writing and worldbuilding is on two guy’s shoulders, an absolute rarity in animation let alone of a project with this gorgeous and detailed animation. But for three episodes the two did let someone in.. it’s just someone who not only got exactly what htey were going for but was their friend and mentor who helped nurture their talents on the tick. Ben Edlund. If you haven’t heard of Ben first off shame on you and second, he’s the creator of the Tick, writing the original comics series and having a major hand in all three series, all of which are unsuprisingly stellar, and having brought jackson and doc on board for 2/3 of them, likely only not bringing them to the Amazon one because by this point they’d far outgrown being writters on someone elses show.  He also created supernatural and left long before it became a tire fire so there’s that. I need to watch that sometime. Point is he’s a big deal and helped write two episodes and wrote this one Solo. And this one is easily the best of the three and given it’s on this list one of the series best.  The episode has Doc have another great idea in the Zack Morris with mad scientest abilities veign he always have: Take the parts of one of hte monarch’s dead henchman, as brock tends to leave piles around, into a “Venturestein’ and sell it to the goverment. While the simple man bonds with the boys, he cowers in fear of brock, who is forced to grapple with his violent nature and deeds and goes to Orpheous spirtial gathering fors some perspective. It’s a nice subplot that has some character development before a spirit vision of hunter gathers convinces him he can’t get caught up in killing people when it’s hwat he goods at. Brock meets him halfway, deciding he can’t feel entirely guilty but he can help the guy and gets Venturestein some “prostitoots!” he’s been wanting since apparnelty the henchman he was made out of really liked htem.  The concept of venturestein himself is neat, from the idea of reusing old henchman to him using the boys learning beds to learn about the third world and be indocrinated for third world labor, as was Doc’s orginal plan.  The other plot which dovetalls into venture steins is another great one as The Groovy Gang, the show’s answer to mystery inc arrives. And in a great idea by Edlund.. their all based on various serial killers, with leader ted being baised on ted bundy and being unerviing as he speaks cherfully while threanting the rest of hte gang, the shaggy stand in being a stand in for the son of sam and the only one that can hear groovy talk who rather than be an adorable dog, talks like a nightmarish german man, the daphne standin is clearly kidnapped and the velma one valries acts like valrie solanis. It’s creepy stuff but it’s also funny because theys till include hannah barbara sound effects, including when Venturestein in a ptsd fueld rage kills ted, not-shaggy and groovy> It’s a horrible but great scene and a great concept that just works. They also tie in the boys being clones by having it revealed one of their deaths was caused by Sonny, finalylr emembered his name, and Ted wanting to kill them. The boys end up finding their clones too, but Doc spins them a yarn to get by and is kept from kiling them. Not much to say, outside of brocks bit this isn’t huge on character but the sheer balls of the scooby doo parody and the sheer amount of jokes and creativity here make Edlund’s sole solo outing a true highlight. 

9. The Inamorata Consequence (Season 7, Episode 5) 

The likely final compound episode and a welcome return after season 6 lacked theme entirely, and as I established earlier the compound isn’t required it’s just where most of these take place.  Season 7 was a good note to go out on. While I still want closure, after the forgetable Season 5 and the  fresh but messy Season 6, 7 was almost pure goodness, with most of the episodes being standouts and the premire trilogy wrapping up the dangling threads from season 6 being a highlight, if not enough to make this list but it was a tight list as is. It had it’s flaws: The “Serena Cheats on Hank with Dean thing” was not only horribly underdeveloped but basically wrote off one of their best new characters. Her and hank breaking up and her dating dean is fine, relationships end and stuff, it was just done poorly. Even if Hank found out because a scary man in a bear costume literally carried him to a convience store and then to Dean which was great as was the button on that plot of, after Dean and Serena naturally react to the guy “Oh good you see him too. “ The Unicorn in Captivity is also a series low point despite having mark freaking hamil guest star, for a number of reasons i’ll probably get into one of these days either on a worst of list for this show or it’s own review. But those blemishes don’t overide a great season that makes up for Oprehous and Dermott’s absensces by bringing both back for an episode, has some true classics, some great character stuff and in general is just really good and it was hard to cut a lot of it from this list, but two made it. And it was nice to see the show go out on top if nothing else. 

So onto this episode which has a brilliant complex: Every exty years the Guild and the OSI meet to hash out the details of their mututal treaty with a Venture prociding and with Jonas now well and truly dead, and missing before that, it falls on Rusty. and since it was made before the compound burned down, our heroes returned to the charred remains of their home to hash things out.  The episode then nicely settles into 3 really excellent plots. The first is the obvious, the peace treaty which has the Council of 13, who in a delebrate move by the creators went from a bunch of faceless nobodies who were killed off to characters we all knew, versus our standard stable of OSI recureerers as the two bicker over terms and we find out one of the conflict settlers is a pool fight, done without a pool since that’s gone now. It’s just pure comedy goodness, but it ends with the rare unequivoocable VICTORY for Rusty. Fed up with both sides acting like children, and even calling them such, as well as both threatning war, he gives one hell of a speech to both to shut them up and for once in his life does BETTER than his father. 

It’s easily James Urbanik’s finest hour as the character and one of the series best moments which, 17 years in, is a high achievement.  The other two plots aren’t too shabby themselves. The second is an overlap as Hank gets lured away from the confrence by an old friend: IT’S DERMOTT! The dynamic duo rides again and their old dynamic of two dumbasses, one a normal teen but entirely full of himself the other being a cloudcuckoolander with little self awarness but more empathy and sometimes sense, is one I really missed and it shines here. Dermott’s joined the OSI, with Rusty giving him a recomendation as long as he didn’t tell anyone else he was his son, or at least it’s implied as much, finally buttoning up that bit while leaving it open for hank to find out later, and a bit that also was never resolved and hopefully will be by a follow up, especially since Dean revealed in the series finale he found out from his dad a while back while rusty was hammered. They follow kimberly mcmanus and one of the strangers, the guilds soldiers who are engaging in a clandestine affair.. which also reveals that the stranger is the peril partnerships mole in the guild, a nice twist. The two have fun chemistry and it’s great ot see them again just like it’s great to see hank and dermott pal around again with the highlight being hanks utterly bizzare and utterly hank fantasy sequence.  Rounding out the three is a more emotional tale as Dean sneaks off to see an old friend, Ben the genetisct who worked with his father and grandfather at various points and revealed to dean he was a clone. Ben is gone, either due to Doc and Jackson not wanting to use him, or because JK simmons was unvaliable and unlike dr. impossible and steven colbert, they didn’t want to recast. But we do get a great substitute as we meet H.E.L.P.er 2, a household model voiced by Rhys Darby who Ben left behind on his trip.  As it turns out Jonas tried mass marketing H.E.L.P.er units (With the equally unsurprisingly sexist tag line of “Get a H.E.L.P.er to Help Her!”), but a  baby choked on a stray bolt and a the ensuing backlash lead to mass burnings and most being destroyed and the one we meat being a nervous wreck that Ben took in. Dean naturally sees himself in the scared bot and while he fails to get his new friend to be able to leave, H2 is too nervous about possibly being destroyed and given the uncaring nature of the venture world sometimes yeah probably a good point, he does bond with dean.. and reveal that Rusty himself is a clone by accident. IT’s a nice twist that makes perfect since: While we don’t know if Rusty knows the tech was used on him most of his stuff , with few exceptions is old equipment of his dad’s. It’s not a stretch that his greatest invention was actually Jonas’. It also leads to a nice moment as dean hugs his dad, understanding him a bit better. It’s a funny, well done episode that lets doc and sons really shine. Truly a great way fo ra great theme to go out.

8. The Buddy System (Season 3, Episode 5) Time for a sentimental favorite. See while I watched bits of seasons 1 and 2 when they aired, and more of 2 then I realized, I didn’t get really hooked on the show till season 3.. and this was the episode that did it. The ones before are far from bad, Shadowman 9 was a contender for this list after all, this is just the one that really got me into the show, showing off it’s varied supporting cast, bringing in one or two more, and really getting me into dean.. and Dean and Triana shipping but I can get into that, again, more on that later. Given this and Fallen Arches were early faviorites it’s no suprise compound episodes became my faviorites and this one is easily the second best of em, with one more coming up topping it handily.  But enough showing my hand, let’s talk about Season 3. Season 3 is a slight mixed bag, as some episodes don’t land, but overall is a really good season, it’s just sandwitched between the shows too best. But it did have good ideas, great world building and a hell of a cliffhanger. Some decisions, like Sgt. Hatred, weren’t the best, but overall a solid season, just like 3 it only managed to squeak out one entry, though TONS of possible cantidates.  This episode has a great premise from the get go: Rusty, for once, has a decent idea. Yes it still results in a child dying and being replaced by a clone, but this is rusty. If something didn’t go terribly wrong on some level it wouldn’t be him. But the idea is simple: Since the cartoon based on his nightmarish childhood, which made him a minor celebrity and is why billy likes Rusty so much and looks up to him despite being.. Rusty, is a hit with the kids again, Rusty launches a day camp on the grounds, using his boys as counslers and having his various friends and aquantinces set up booths. From Orpheous and the order of the triad doing an anti drug presentation to the sea captain talking about the benefits of being a scooby doo villian, to Action Johnny, the series version of Johnny Quest renamed to avoid copyrights but very obviously Johnny Quest, whose strung out on drugs and can’t go a few minutes without going into a breakdown about his father or past. All good stuff. It actuallyg oes pretty well till rusty makes the mistake of going into an old thing of his d ad’s without checking and a gorilla monster attacks and gets the one child left behind, thankfully off screen, but it leads to the darkly hilarious bit of him rushing a clone out for his parents to avoid a justified law suit. 

Meanwhile the boys and brock deal with a new figure in their lives: Dermott Fictel. As the creators put it they basically desgined him as that one kid everyone knows who talks shit, thinks he’s way more capable than he is, and way more knowledgble than he is and is kinda dopey. I had one of those, i’m sure you did too, and that’s probably part of why I really liked Dermott as I knew a guy just like him. Hank naturally, not having had any friends other than dean and H.E.L.P.er, bonds with the prick and the two become best friends right away. Dean however hates the little asshole for both constantly shit talking him and just being obnoxious. Brock soon joins the hate train as Dermott invades his karate demonstration to talk about how much of a badass he thinks he is and learned from the internet. Brock soon finds himself asking the age old question. 

But since his code avoids women and children, he tries to find ways around it but Orpheous obviously isn’t having it. His other option is to go to the Monarch’s minons the Pupa Twins, aka the Moppets, Shiela’s old minons who the monarch’s basically stuck with and no one really liked in or out of universe. Their just assholes who treat 21 and 24 and the monarch himself like crap and are thankfully downplayed in Season 4, and only appear in Season 5 to die off and close up a plot thread. But credit where it’s due they did get one good bit, creepy as it may be and it’s this. 

With the Monarch not allowed to arch venture at the time due to plot stuff, the monarch’s mostly spying and sending the pupa twins in as spies which as you can see dosen’t really go well. Everything converges on the finale, as Rusty, again being rusty even when he’s mildly ahead child aside he still screws up, brings in Johnny’s old enemy Dr. Z, who like dermott is important but it’d take till the end of Season 5 for that. Johnny breaks down, Venture’s current nemisis arrives and finds there was a scheduling error and hten we get the crowning moment of the episode that makes it all come together magically: Dean gets to sit with Triana, whose actually being receptive to his crush for once, but also has to put up with Dermott..  who being Dermott, especially early dermott is an obnoxious jackass who makes creepy coments abotu Trianna and eventually sets Dean off

Dermott doesn’t even get two seconds into telling Triana to wait naked for him, because of course he does before dean utterly destroys him. This being Dean, it’s with tears and snot running and coming off like an angry 8 year old, but he still deserves points for utterly decimating the asshole after a full day of taking his self indulgant bullcrap and having the guy be creepy to his crush. And to be fair Triana was dealing with him fine, but still Dean beat up someone twice his size and while lacking any actual fighting skill with at least enough bulk to beat him up and gave the fucker a black eye. Until season 7 with him just paying off the monarch to save his teacher from making a huge mistake, and to show how fed up he was, this was easily Dean’s best moment. Just a great capper to a great episode. Also Dermott turns out to be, possibly brocks son but.. more on that later. 

7. Mid-Life Chrysalis (Season 1, Episode 3 (8 in Airing Order)  As I said earlier Season 1 was a bit rough, though as all of you probably know most 1st seasons are, especially in animation. It takes time to iron out what really works for a show and get it going right. Bojack Horseman, while still excellent, took the first few episodes to really become what it was born to be, Steven Universe season 1a lacks the deep characterization of the main cast that and has loosey goosey animation,  Ducktales had trouble character ballancing and ballancing adventure with deconstruction of adventure.. every show has growing pains.  And while season 1 does have too much of the show basically trying to scream

Like some adult cartoons do, and not even it’s contepraries like sealab and harvey birdman did as much, both excellent excellent shows by the way. But even with my criticsims of it: Flat characters, a try hard tone, clumsy worldbulding in places.. it’s still a good show even this early and even as early as episode 3, with the first two being good.. but this one being an utter classic. It dosen’t QUITE have the emotoinal or character depth of later episodes but damn if it isn’t one of the funniest things the crew ever wrote. 

Mid-Life’s two main plots are simple and start from the cold open: The Ventures get pulled over while on the way to an adventure by the air force, and Doc and Brock both encounter problems: Rusty being Rusty, his is petty and self loathing based as he gets called old or something like that by one of the air force people. Brock’s is a bit more serious: In a funny bit Brock LITERALLY has a legal lisence to kill, but given the burarcaey of the venture world, it’s expired.  So we get our two main plots out of that: Rusty wants to prove he’s not old and still got it by dragging a sad Brock to a strip club. Brock is miserable as the owner mocks him, and he can’t kill him so there’s that and his attempt to have a quickie with a stripper fails because it’s just not the same without his murder boner apparently. Look as I said the show was a wee bit immature early on.. it never stopped being mind you it just became more goofily immature than screaming i’m an adult. Brock leaves in a huff which leaves Rusty open for the oldest trick in the book as the Monarch sends Shiela in in disguise to seduce him, go back to his place, and then stick him with a syringe full of science that turns him into a caterpillar because this is the monarch. Subtly is not even a suite of his let alone his strong suite. Though this also being the Monarch we only get a bit where he watches as the two make out, which is creepy as that sounds until a minon randomly turns out the lights and apolgoizes. He was getting juice. The episode also nicely parodies the trope of a female spy or whatever turning for the hero because of his dick as The Monarch assumes that happen when Shiela has doubts about the scheme, that he “turend her with his oily sex” which is an objectively horrible and paranoid statment but also incredibly hilarious.  Thus the plots split and we get two really hilarious one: On Brocks end he with the boys encouragment, decides to retake his secret agent exam. And both boys really come into their own with this one: Dean’s adorably nerdy and sweet sides come out as he both encourages his second dad and helps him on the written portions, while hanks gung ho hankness emerges in full as he helps train brock, having him drink eggs that he probably spat in and in one of the best bits of the episode going a bit too far with the drill sgt routine till Brock helpfully points out he’ll legally be able to kill after this. The solution is also great as Brock not only avoids using his fire arm during one of the tests, instead uttelry decismating the target cutouts with just his kinfe and whatever he can rig up, and just scribbling icarus from the led zepplin albums on his test.. only for his proctor to pass him anyway as his dad and osi boss general treister, who we meet later, described brock as a living legend, and he did not dissapoint. And we get a great closer, after the main plto finsihes, where Brock shows the strip club asshole his fresh lisence before maiming him.. though even better, he DOSEN’T kill the guy as the asshole does show up again later, just missing an eye now. 

Back on our main plot we get plenty of hilarious and messed up stuff as the boys barely react to their dad’s horrible state, their numb at this point, and doc gives out the classic line and easily the best of the episode “I pissed in god’s eye, and he blinked”. Doc tries to cure himself and fails both due to caterpillar hands and due to helper eating the chemicals, and tries to get helper to help him reinact the end of the fly. All good stuff. It’s just a good, solid comedy episode that both solidifies the character and makes you laugh near constantly. 

6. The Terminus Mandate (Season 7, Episode 8) One of the best parts of the post Garantua shakeup of the show was the new council. After years of the council of 13 just being guys behind silouttes, mantle and dragoon nonwishtanding, Jackson and Doc replaced most of them with familiar charcters and gave a ton of them chances to shine while bringing in new ones like wide whale and easily their best later creation Red Death, more on him in a minute. It gave us a nice workplace dynamic and really made the guild pop more than ever. And this episode showcases this marvelously by giving the new council the spotlight.  In this one the Council find that there’s an old mandate that means they must stop active arching in order to retain their spots, something they all agree to and thus leads to an episode of each of the council having one last ride as each are given an envelope of who their last arch is. And each is hilaroius, some even heartfelt, creative and fleshes out some of them. Going down the list, leaving out Shiela and Red death who has a more involved subplot for hers and has some other buisness entirely we’ll get to: Phantom Limb: Has, in a great gag, a literal dick measuring contest with Hunter Gathers. Just a simple effective gag.  Radical Left: Is merged with his old arch enemy Right Wing so they simply play clue.  Wide Whale: Has the least funny or enteratining but still entresting as he and his old arch are now friends and the guy even plays cards with Rocco, so rather than poision the well he just sends Rocco to rough him up a bit for old times sake, then take him to dinner.  Dr. Z: Reminces with Action Johnny, the two considering each other family at this point and the two have a really nice moment with Johnny in rehab finally getting help that’s actually really touching and really nice to see.. though we also get an utterly fantastic bit where they recreate an actual scene from Johnny Quest but with Z lampshading how stupid everyone’s being. 

And finally we get Mantle and Dragoon, who spend the night binging tv and eating a ton, my mood and general schedule, afraid to open their envelope only to celebrate when they do and find their arches are all dead.  Red Death meanwhile has buisness to take care of. Since I dind’t include Red Means stop on here I’d just like to talk about how much I love the guy. Voiced by clancy brown death is an old school legend in the guild whose great at arching, has a great gimmick.,. but can switch from horribly threatning monster to aflrable nice and loving family man, having a younger wife and a daughter whose utterly adorable and shares his face. He even wanted the guild spot simply so he could basically retire, get the nice pension plan and salary that comes with the guild without the rigors of regular arching having long settled things with his own arch by murdering him> he’s an utterly inspired edition and the crew, and fans, loved him enough he became a recurrer this season. 

And his bit is both awesome and utterly terrifying: earlier the guild tried to parlay with rivals the peril partnership in order to stop the bleeding on their end, but their represntive, Blind Rage, a hilariously broey version of Daredevil, instead mocks and direspects them and is in general a pissant. So rather than do an arch, since he’s done with that anyway, Death evens the score in one of the shows best scenes, which like the rusty one above is an acomplishment years in and is an utterly terrifying and awesome villian scene. 

Clancy Brown is a fucking master at this. and it showss.  As for Shiela her bit ends up tying into the Venture Family’s plot for the evening: Rusty courts a black widow, Teresa Diade because getting laid outweighs the possibility of death and we get a a great bit of dean pretending to be her as the family preps him. Naturally he bungles it because he takes too much anti venom, but Teresa turns out to be a former superhero, probably what actually happened to her husbands, and Shielias arch during her breif solo career. Though instead of an arching, though she try, Shiela instead breaks down over the stress of this, over possibly giving up arching with her husband for her career, and the two share a nice moment. I mean she still takes Diade’s wallet because she’s a villian after all but it’s a nice one and an emotoinal moment. She takes the job as revealed later of course, because even of this probably hurts the Monarch’s feelings a bit he wants what’s best for her. Because they have a damn good marriage again. overally a really inventive, hilarious episode and one fo the show’s finest hurrahs as it approached an untimley end.

5. Everybody Comes to Hanks (Season 4, Episode 12) 

Season 4 as I said was my faviorite and one of it’s highlights was the duo of Bright Lights Dean City, which BARELY didn’t make this list, and Everbody Comes to Hanks. The two episodes followed the same period of time from the perspectives of each brother: Dean has an internship in new york city and Rusty’s bumming along, though being a dick he wants hank to have a job by the time he gets back.  Hank, in a classic hank move, expands Hank Co from an ocasional name for his buisnesses to a full on department store with a restraunt and detective agency because of course he has those. It honestly reminds me of me: Even as a teen I was the kind of goofus who’d do this sort of elaborate stuff. But at the same time it shows hank’s best trait and the one that most people underestimate: his ingniuity and imagination. Sure the guy’s off in his own world, as am I, and it’s his charm, but when push comes to shove he can bust out a wacky scheme, save his family from danger or as seen earlier this list pull out a 3 point romantic gesture. The guy may be kinda dumb, int he best way, but he’s got the natural talent for the superhero/supervillian game and clearly wants to be his own bizzare version of batman, which I hope he gets to be and I prefer over the theroy he’ll be a villian. Sure it makes SOME sense.. but frankly hank’s good heart and love of theatrics and lack of care about the jackasses meancing his dad make him a way better superhero. 

Anyways naturally said detective agency leads to both a noir homage, complete with lack of color and a case: Dermott, who at this point’s a bit more symapthetic, wants to know if brock’s really his dad or not and hires his best bud to do it. Hank also gets a partner in one fo the show’s best recurrers, the Alchemist, ba dah!, Orpheous’ best friend, teammate, sarcasm machine and out and proud magic guy voiced perfectly by Dana Snyder. He’s a good counterpart to Orpheous, sarcastic down to earth and fun loving to the more serious and full of himself Orhpeous and since Triana moving out in our next entry, has been Orpheous’ roomate and bored since he’s now in the middle of nowhere, so he’s eager to jump into Hank’s nonsense.  What follows is a compelling detective story as Hank finds out Brock never slept with Dermott’s mom, and tries to find the real one.. and ends up stumbling upon the solution upon hooking up with Dermott’s older sister Nikki... which quickly goes sideways as he finds out not only is she twice his age, and even without that he’s still a minor and this is still creepy.. but she’s Dermott’s mom.. and RUSTY’S his father, with Dermott’s mom who raised him being his grandma. It’s a hell of a reveal that throws up the table both on Dermott’s relationship with Hank and the chraracter as a whole and has a great flashback where we find out how something this effed up happened and it’s incredibly well acted. It’s good stuff.  Hank uses SPHYNX”s mindwipe machine on himself, since getting laid or not, which being hank he dosen’t see the problems with how it happened as long as he dosen’t know, sends a total recall esque message to himself on his watch so he knwos he got laid, jut not the horirble, horrible details. And I like that , unlike say Phineas and Ferb Across the Second dimension’s bullshit reset ending, this dosen’t erase the impact of things. Not hank loosing his virgnity that’s meaningless I mean Dermott. He’s still there, it jsut left at ticking time bomb of when that reveal’s going to go off, and added an intresting new dynamic that I hope if the show continues somehow gets explored. A masterful, fun and suprisingly disturbing episode, everybody should come to hanks. Also as one last post note i’d be remiss if I forgot the great bit of Hatred saying they only serve eggs at hanks cafe. 

4. The Better Man (Season 4, Episode 7) 

Now we get to Dr. Orpheous, who unsuprisingly is a faviorite of mine. While I wasn’t a big Dr. Strange fan till reading the old lee and ditko stuff, I was always a fan of Orpheous, a hammy divorced dad who will give fighting the hordes of hell the same gravitas as getting junk mail, putting some punks souls in a homies figurine, and venture stealing his weedwacker. He’s a truly loveable character, a silver age pompus style hero in a world he dosen’t quite fit, with more power and competence than most venture bros protaganists, but still having things thta hold him back: while he’s good at his job his own drive and self importance drove away his ex wife and leaves him with not much in his life other than his daughter.  And for the first time in the series he’s forced to face his wife leaving him for another man when said man shows up : The Outrider, a seemingly cooler mystic hero whose better at both being a husband and being a sorecer and stops some creature The Order of the Triad fights after their arch torrid sumons him. Orpheous stews over this a bit and after failing to make hisown doorway to hell t  one up his non-arch nemisis, visits another classic character for the series: the Master. Voiced by Voice Acting Maestro John Benjamin, pre his biggest roles with archer and bob’s burgers but post his breakout with home movies. The Master is a no nonsense mystic entity who loves taking the piss out of orpheous and loves his student even if Orpheous agrviates him. He also has a neat visual habit of showing up in a diffrent shapeshifted form each time to teach his pupil a lesson.. and to do weird sex stuff because he can multi task and we see Trainai’s mom for the first time, though with the master just using the form to taunt Orpheous on his personal failings as usual but has a good point.  Soon however the group returns to the portal from hell and find Torrid and Outrider.. and torid explodes and sends the rider to hell, forcing Orpheous and co to rescue him, with Orpheous finding out via a clue from the master that the outrider embeded an artifact in his head to travel between worlds, the one thing orpheous could never master, as a shortcut.. and said thing gets al and orpheous stuck with the outrider. There we see the contrast: Orpheous is indeed the better sorcerer.. but the outrider’s the better husband and while if his wife cheated on him that’s fucking terrible, it’s clear he didn’t STEAL Tatiana so much as she left Orpheous for someone that geniuinely appricated her. The hatched it buried and it’s godo character work.  Speaking of which we get to Jefferson Twilight, a blade parody who hunts Blackulas (his words and leads to a great moment in his debut where a supervillian tries to find a more pc term for it but Jefferson poitns out since he primarly hutns oversea “African americian” dosen’t really work), and the guy on the team reguarly compalning about having no magic ability.. but who finds he CAN move between worlds and astral project, to his delight and Al’s annoyance. It’s an adorable and well won moment as he finaly finds SOMETHING magic he can do.  The other plot, which dovetails nicely into Orpheous concerns Dean’s longstanding crush on Triana, another pin to pull from earlier this list. I shipped them when I was younger but this episode, and one coming up on this list, pointed out how it jsut didn’t work: Dean’s naivite combined with his lack of making a move just didn’t mesh with her. IT’s something the creators agreed on realizing they just had no use for Triana, but both hating the cliche of a character just vanishing and thus giving her a proper sendoff instead.  Dean tries to move on after another unsucessful attempt to talk her up, with Hank and Dermott playing his wingmen, unsucessfully but Dean actually hits it off with a girl.. a girl we never see again but still and Dermott actually offers sound advice for once.. which given events before and after this prompts Dean to quip “better check the temprature in hell”. He just says to take things slow and just call the girl, maybe ask her out, don’t overblow it again or try too hard. It’s good stuff and like our last entry deepens the character a bit by showing that he’s not always a dumbass. Just  mostly. On Triana’s end she enters her dad’s closet, again having done so before and as shown in previous episodes Orpheous always mindwiped her, and it turns out it’s not the first time as the Master sees great talent, but sees she needs to be taught by her mother and step dad, where she can find other witches and learn at her own pace.. maybe befriend an older witch and a demon, find her own personl lesbian. We’ll see how it goes. He TRIES scaring her out fo a future with dean, but fails because.. she had no intrest in dean whatsoever and there was nothing to scare her away from. The Master is confident this will lead to nothing.. but as we see in the stinger.. this isn’t the case.  Byron for once grew, and rather than wipe his daughter’s brain to keep the last family he has outside of his buddies close, as he likely did before out of fear of loosing her... lets her go. He grows letting his daughter grow up and take the long path he did and hopefully better than either of her parents, while Dean “let’s her down gently’. Triana was a godo character, a downt o earht presence in theboys life and wiry, but it was time for her to fly and it’s a good note to send her off on and overall pure magic. 

3. All This and Gargantua 2! (Special between Seasons 5 and 6) 

ONto another charcter’s sendoff we have JJ, Doc’s brother he absorbed in the womb who came back somehow and then became way more sucessful and spent all of seasons 4 and 5 building a space Station. And this episode pays that and MANY other threads off in a giant sized epic that’s one of the series finest moments.  it’s the Gargantua 2′s grand opening, with Doc and the boys going up. Hank goes to gamble and adventure, with Hank bucks obvoiusly, while Doc and Dean are called to Visit JJ.. whose dying, his body shutting down shortly after he finalyg ot life and wanting this satilite to be his final work. but soon the three, along with col treister who we’ll get to in another entry, have ot save the world with JJ touchingly sacirficing himself just as both brothers finally reconciled and Doc finally accepted him. It’s  a powerful subplot.  Said calamity comes in the form or another loose end, the revenge socieyt, Phantom Limb’s splinter group who are attacking and are unknowing pawns in the soverign, who turns out not tbe bowie which is good becaue he dies here and that would’ve been eerie, and his mad plans to try and outwit the investors, msyterous beings. Yeah i’m going to have to try and summarize a lot here as htis is a big, continuity drive spectacle and it works well if wonkily. TO mak ea long story short our heroes fight on a satlite, and dr. henry killinger, marry poppins meets kissinger with a magical murder bag, fights his brethern and reforges the guild with the various villians tryign to stop the soverign or leftover from the society. The special is one big bit of fanserice that ties up loose ends and launches a bold new era. I don’t have as much to say as other entires but it’s this high up because few episodes match it in sheer importance, scale, humor and timing, it’s just harder to dig into because again, it’s an hour long special with lots of stuff from the series up to that point. it’s what makes it work but it’s harder to dig into in this short a space. Maybe someday soon. either way i’ts a garganguan achivment that feels like a huge pot of payoff after 5 seasons of effort and is utterly worth the ride. 

2. Showdown at Cremation Creek, Parts 1 and 2 (Season 2) Yes this is a two parter. Yes i’m giving it one spot but it’s my list and this is basically a special like the two entires it’s sandwitched between just sliced in half. So pitter patter, let’s talk about this one. 

Showdown was the finale to the stellar season 2, a step up from season 1 that refined the good raw matieral there into something truly stupdencous and it all comes to a head here in a wonderful epic in the might venture maner in that it manages to feel epic while still being hiilarious, characer driven and self parodying.  After a season apart the Monarch and Shielia have reonciled and are having an affair behind Phantom Limb’s back.. though given LImb is a sexist piece of shit who dosen’t value Shielia as a parter or part of his orignization while the Monarch has come around to doing so and did even with his crazy jealousy, it’s forgivable. Shelia wants more form him and the Monarch takes hte painful step of agreeing to stop arching venture. This dosen’t last obviously, but still. HOwever it does lead to pure hilarity when his henchman for the bachelor party, after the monarch went home, kidnapping the ventures, having gottne brock while he was drunk and distracted. Still with fatalities but still.. it’d be the best day of their lives anyo ther day. But to avoid pissing off his fiance who likely woudln’t belivie the truth, he makes up a story of inviting them to a wedding as an olive branch and does so> The whole situation also leads to my faviorite venture line: 24: Holy shit I thought we dreamnt that part! Anyways our gang are soon split up, Brock attends awkardly, Dr. Venture tries to hit on the bride over mid life chriaslys earlier, and we get the dawn of one of the show’s best buddy duos: 21 and Hank. The two being huge nerds quickly bond, and 21 helps hank sneak into the wedding as “Igor Badguyovich via an old henchman uniform, cleverly one of the ones from the pilot. Dean ends up getting stuck in the engine room and ends up spending the two parter hallucinating and going on a patichse version of never ending story while also letting loose his hatred of his boy advenutering lifestyle. It’s prue fun and good stuff.  David Bowie, or someone impersnating him, aka the soverign arrives along with Klaus Nomo and Iggy Pop for the wedding as an old frirend of shelias giving her away. But soon things go as bad as a superhero wedding does, becuase supervillians apparently aren’t immune to that as Phantom Limb attacks, deciding to throw a cou because he can’t kill the guy his ex actually likes or get promtoed and with bowie’s enorage as his moles attacks and tries to take shiela by force. The result is great as brock moblizies the minons, and unbenwonst to him, hank to fight, dean has his epic adventure and rusty and monarch try to do.. something. It’s all great stuff while Bowie fights limb in an epic battle we sadly barely see but what we do is glorious. It’s all good stuff. An donly one episode tops it in scope, humor and spectacle and in my heart. 

1. Operation P.R.O.M. (Season 4, Episode 16)  The show’s best season goes out with it’s best episode. I could close it out there but given i’ve rambled about every other episode why stop now? It’s Homeschool Prom Night! Doc’s gathered their various allies, the order of the triad, pete and billy , shoreleave and brock, along with Hatred who has replaced his hatred tats with a big v.. excpet the d over his junk which is unfortunate. 21 joins in genuinley and because he’s having a crisis while monarch and sheila crash with hatred’s ex as a baragning chip to see wha’ts up and end up joining in. 

The boys are as sucessful getting their own dates as you’d expect: no one will return Hank’s calls but since he runs into best buddy Dermott on the way brings him along as long as their band can play, which is easily the highlight of the episode as their glorious and terrible garage band Shallow Gravy makes it’s debut. Figures I can’t put video in right as the article’s almost done.. but back on point.. Dean brings Triana who has a boyfriend now who resembles Edward Cullen, because tha’ts aged really well, which bugs the crap out of him even though he moved on and casues him to act like a pissant and get a corsage thrown in his face as he should. Dean ends up following Dermott and Hank’s advice to go try and “win her back” with a big romantic gesture... which listneing to dermott on a romantic gesture should be grounds for being delcared legally braindead.. it goes terribly with the big plan instead burning a t on her lawn, and the ghost robes making Dean look like the kkk. The outrider tells him to be happy after beating him up over the mixup, a mixup that REALLLLY hasn’t aged well, and Dean tells him to fuck off. End of their time but it’s good stuff and caps a great season of hank. And while I don’t LIKE dean’s behavior here, it’s nice to see him not act like a good person for a second, and to be as human and faliable as the rest of htem, even if it means beeing deeply unlikable and his next relationship which sadly just.. never got picked up again, would go better. And the one after that.. not getting into that mess. What the hell guys. It’s really good stuff. 

Naturally given all these cast members ther’es a lot else going on: Rusty hires prostitues for the evening because of course he does and fails with his because of course he does.. and because it turns out his name is a sex act which leads toi a long and inspried bit of bleeping as everyone has their own version and we see tons of recurrers way in to Rusty’s horror. Rusty being inscensed tires using an aprohdeiasc , specially spanish fly taken from an actual fly, one of my faviorite bits mostly for this bit after billy gapes in horro at the giant monster fly.  Doc: Don’t scream you’ll just piss it off and it screams acid when it’s pissed off. And I alredy dids that when I ripped it’s wings off.  His scheme is of course utterly terrible but it’s Rusty, and i’m unsuprised and he dosen’t benifit from it as we’ll get into. Al and Shore Leave bond while 21, in a pogniant subplot, realizes he’s had enough and quits his job and through Orpheous realizes his firend isn’t a ghost, but a guilt induced hallucinaiton and lets him go, joining the team implicitly. It’s really good character stuff.  Finally we have the espionge portion. WHile Shore leave is at the party Gathers leaves Brock, once he’s finished chauffering the boys, to watch Monstroso, who they recently captured and gathers wants to use as a barganing chip. But gathers soon finds previously introduced Agents Doe and Cardholder wanting to topple agency head Hunter Gathers, one of my faviorite recurring characters mostly due to being performed by the increidble Toby Huss, a batshit general whose basically nick fury with a kentucky accent and no real filter or fucks to give and he’s utterly hilarious any time he shows up.  He’s been claming his cancer treatments have turned him into a Hulk, and why yes that is their exact terminology. Turns out agents doe and cardholder have been playing along with this seeming delusion to try and outst treister.. and take the OSI over for the guild, being the traitors Gathers suspected were there. However in a brilliant turn, this sub plots resolves as all should: on the bridge of hteir hellicarrier, with Treister draped only in the american flag with a post it note saying fix it on his chest. He reveals that while the cancer is real, the “hulkking” out was just playing them: he knew they were the double agents, and was using Gather’s to ferit them out. However that’s not the only reason: Treister knows his odds of beating cancer are slim so he’s come up with a resonable solution: Shoot himself up into space, as seen in the image for this entry, and see if aliens can cure it. They don’t but space radiation does as he returns later and not only that while he’s lost in the special, after brilliantly ACTUALLY having become a hulk, Doc and Jackson revealed in the making of book they had plans to possibly have him come back as their version of GALACTUS at one point, only holding back on it because their not sure if they want to go full cosmic or not. We’ll see if the show comes back in longform but god I hope so. If not i’m sure as hell doing it. But Treister hands the wheel over to gathers literally and metaphorically, passsing the reigns of the ship and the OSI over to him so Gathers can run it right, and then well.. shoots himself up into space, ending up as the last image of the hour long masterwork. But befroe that theres one last plot that leads into what I consider to be the show’s best scene. Brock finds out the hard way that the other Sphinx agent on duty is actually his ex molotov cocktease, who skirts monstroso away because she’s fallen for him, to brock’s rage. While Brock catches up to them, Mol reveales she has a trump card: The prostitues venture hired are actually her mercinary crew the blackhearts, and if she dosen’t give the signal everyone dies.. and being an utter dick Mol lets the car brock’s holding up off a cliff drop with her and monstroso inside.. though they come back eventually because universe that’s basically a comic book. So we get THIS SEQUENCE THAT’S IN CAPS BECAUSE THEY STOPPED LETTING ME PUT VIDEOS IN THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON AND IT’S ALMOST DONE. It’s easily the show’s best as Pulp’s amazing “Like a Friend” plays as brock rushes to save everyone, finds everyone having a good time thanks to rusty’s spanish fly, and Shore Leave and Al doing the v-day sailor kiss which is amazing, and then all the blackhearts turn into fly monsters because Rusty. It’s a great, tense gorgeously animated sequence that ends showing just how far brock’s come: From an angry asshole who hates everyone to these guys genuine friend.. and still a badass. overall just a great, spectacular finale and the best of one fo the best animated shows period. And with that the list concludes. This took me 2 days worth of adruous work so I hope you enjoyed it. Follow me for more including regular coverage of Amphibia, Ducktales starting back up later this month.. and as of tommorow possibly the loud house! Expect more venture bros including reviewcaps coming soon and if you want to comission your own reviewcap for 5 bucks, just hit up my personal messages or ask box, or just hit it up iwth a casual suggestion i’m bound to listen. Either way until next time, Go Team Venture. And I can think of only one way to properly close this. Play us off sea captain.

[ambidextrousarcher]

Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews-Episode 18: In which there’s a (completely unnecessary) rain of lotuses

This is the promised reuploaded review. Under the cut, not tagging anyone.

This episode begins with a shot of fireworks bursting over Hastina. “Let it be known throughout Kururashtra that Maharaj Pandu has won the Swayamvar of Kuntibhoj’s daughter,” announces Satyavati in the throne room. The courtiers all cheer Honey Boy’s name. Camera cuts to Drama Queen as Ms. Always Patnidharma makes an entry. “I’ve brought food,” she says. “Hmm. Keep it,” he replies curtly. She gestures to the servants, who do so. (Why are we paying so much attention to Drama Queen eating. Ms. Always Patnidharma seems tense, too, and she’s holding Sukhda’s hands. I can’t see anything apart from the fact that according to StarBharat, both Gandhari and Sukhda have manicured hands and long, buffed nails.) Drama Queen eats a morsel, looking thoughtful. He says, “The taste is different today,” Sukhda says “Kumari Gandhari has made it to the flavors of Gandhar,” Ugh. Must every other episode have a syrupy sweet scene? This isn’t Sasuraal Simar Ka or something, it’s supposed to be the Mahabharat! “If you don’t like it, I can tell them to bring something else,” says Ms. Always Patnidharma. “No,” says Drama Queen, “The flavor of Gandhar is good. Different, but good.” There’s sweeping melodic music, like this is some kind of grand love proposal, complete with smiles all round. I’m counting this canon fail #34 for good measure. “Will you not sit?” he asks. So help me, someone who actually does exist! She looks shocked. Sukhda nods at her and leads her to sit. “I see Gandhar’s kitchen has entered Hastina,” he says. “This is the first try,” replies Ms. Patnidharma shyly. “It’s a good try, unfortunately, it will not be appreciated here, only Kuntibhoj’s culture will have an impact here in Hastina.” Of course, Drama Queen, drag that into this too. “What is the harm if some of the food is from here, some from Gandhar and some from Kunti?” Wow, what a terrible analogy. He pushes the food away. “Do not seek to teach me! You have no right to advice me!” Dude, she’s your wife. Cease all this ott drama, will you? “I’m trying to calm you down. I can understand that you’re still tense,” she says. This is followed by an even more terrible temple analogy I can’t make sense of, which ends with “We must accept God’s will. It’s better to forget bitterness and welcome Pandu and Kunti…” she touches his shoulder. He, predictably, lashes out. “Do not touch me! I have not given you that right. Whenever I try to accept you as my wife, this is what stops me. You show me again and again how much myself being disrespected gladdens your heart. Neither will I welcome them, nor shall you. I am your husband. My orders are your limit. Whether you accept them or cross them, I leave that on you.” Ugh, dude, how terrible can you be??? Then comes the telltale peacock feather. Ugh, for the last two episodes, we were free of this guy and here he comes up again. Skip. Skip. Skip. This is about bonds of marriage, apparently. Scene changes to Kunti and Pandu bending to take Kuntibhoj’s blessings. He stops her and asks her to take blessings from her birth-father, Shurasena. I’m counting this as canon fail #35. No Yadava dad would be so terrible that he would not even say one word to his daughter if he were actually around during her marriage. Please correct me if Shurasena is actually this terrible, okay? Shurasena digresses, saying that the honor is that of the man who brought her up. Honey Boy agrees with Shurasena, saying that the person who gives up their child just after its birth will always have second place in the child’s life. Camera pans to Ms. Melodrama. Girl, I get it okay? You didn’t want to do what you did. I got that the first time. Also, hats off to the writers for dragging it this much. They take the blessings and Pandu leaves ahead. Kunti hugs Priyamvada. “Can you see how great my husband’s thoughts are?” Oh no. “I’ve become very lucky on marrying him,” Girl, this guy literally dies because he’s too horny to keep it in his pants, okay? That’s not my definition of wise. “Yes, Princess, I can see that. All I ask is that you do not do anything to jeopardize that luck.” Kunti looks askance at Priyamvada. “I cannot cheat my husband!” “Lying for advantage is called cheating. Hiding the truth to protect yourself is not cheating.” “Do not spin webs of lies, Priyamvada,” “The truth of the world is unknown to those who have lived their entire lives in palaces, Princess, yet this very same truth can turn into a weapon in the hands of an enemy.” She ties a black thread on Kunti’s wrist. “What are you doing?” Kunti asks. “This is a charm, Princess, for the happiness of you and your husband. Swear that you will not tell him about your past until this is tied on your hand,” You…do realize she can untie it anytime, don’t you? Ms. Melodrama goes off on a rant about the number of wrongs she did. Canon fail #36, I’d say. The Kunti of the Mahabharata is a pragmatic person, I think she felt guilty about Karn, sure, but not to this extent that she about stopped living her life and its joys. Besides, I think that, if she gets the choice, she’d choose her five sons. (I really want to yell Arjun’s name, but I desist.) There are servants standing right behind her all the while she’s bemoaning her child’s fate, you honestly want me to believe this wasn’t the servant’s gossip of the day and stayed secret in this show? (In canon, it does stay secret, but this isn’t canon) Cue first half of precap scene and then Mr. Glitterwash makes an entry, praying to his Godly dad (I don’t think he knows yet) There’s badass music I’m trying to tune out, because as far as I am concerned, that guy ain’t badass. “Help!” Someone yells. Ah, I see, this is where he turns into Batman. A really poor imitation of Batman. Canon fail #37. This guy isn’t nearly as heroic. In fact, in canon, his entire motivation in life is to kill Arjun. Seriously. He’s the King of Anga, the hotbed of sexual slavery and he does nothing to save anyone there. There’s a kid flailing on a chariot crying for help, everyone scatters in his wake, until enter Mr. Glitterwash, who runs behind the chariot. The chariot strikes a stone on a grassy cliff, the kid goes flying off the cliff and Mr. Glitterwash does his Batman gig. Hang on, isn’t this guy’s selling point the ‘fact’ that he had been ‘poor and downtrodden’ (which he never was)? The guy literally had gold everywhere on him! He’s freaking wearing golden-colored shoes! What the…?     Canon fail #38. Being born of God or not, Mr. Glitterwash is as human as anyone else, and he should have died after that stunt, as he lands on solid Earth. Now, if he’d landed on water, he might have survived. Instead, the Sun apparently gives him energy and he saves the other kid. “Son!” The other kid’s mama rushes to them. “Karn!” Oh, this is his adopted mom making an entry. “Radha,” says a random guy, “Your son is divine,” “Radha ma!” exclaims Glitterwash. She dunks a pot of water on him and breaks the pot. She drags him off protesting. I don’t know what the point of this is…until she asks him what the hell he was doing. Oh, so they are setting him up as heroic. I see. Anyone reading this, please don’t start thinking that this stuff is canon. IT’S COMPLETELY NON-CANON. “I was saving the child!” “Who’ll save you? Bhairav himself?” AARGH. This guy is not heroic! I’ll keep repeating it. She tells him that he’ll be punished. He asks her if she is angry. She tells him to stop making her angry and then ask this question like a wet cat. Speaking of wet cats, this guy seems to have dried up awfully fast from the drench he got like, 2 seconds ago? He’s like “I’m Adhirath’s son, it’s my duty to protect.” Huh? What? You know what, I can’t find it in myself to care. She replies that it’s her duty to protect him from his father. He says that his father is with the King in Kuntibhoj. She replies that they are coming back with the Queen and they should get ready for the Darshan. He goes “You mean they are going to see us?” “Why would they see us?” she asks. “We are neither criminals, nor brave warriors,” “You said that if a King looks at us, we will be very lucky.” “Or very unlucky. The gaze of great people have great consequences.” Okay, quit it with the melodrama foreshadowing already, will you? “Then they should definitely look at us.” “But how?” He gets an inward look in his eye. Uh-oh, I don’t like this at all. They’re gonna glitterwash him more, it’s obvious. Pandu and Kunti enter Hastina on a chariot to the sound of cheers. Priyamvada’s parting words about keeping her secret flash in Kunti’s mind. The chariot stops. “Why have you stopped, Adhirath?” asks Pandu. “The Mahamantri is here to welcome you, Maharaj,” he says. There is a round of the obligatory pranipaat’s. Vidur says that Satyavati has asked Pandu to visit Lord Rama’s temple before going home. Pandu asks if Vidur won’t welcome his Bhabhishree and Bhraata. Vidur smiles and says he’ll be their charioteer. He sends Adhirath home. Adhirath runs to Radha who tells him that their son has gone to prepare for the King’s welcome. Adhirath asks Radha why she didn’t stop him, as he might use the bow and arrow. (Okay, this…doesn’t seem believable to me.) Gilligan Cut to Mr. Glitterwash praying to Surya and drawing his bow and arrow. “You don’t understand the seriousness of this. I’ll have to stop him now, where is he?” asks Adhirath. Um, but excuse me, please. Karn is canonically Drona’s student. He canonically learnt weaponry from Dron, so what exactly is the issue? Oh, I know! The issue is canon fail #39. Considering Karna is Drona’s student, and that charioteers have to defend themselves often, it’s kind of ridiculous that Karn using a bow can cause such haha-huhu. Scene cuts to Karn who’s praying to Surya so that his objective is achieved without harming anyone. Canon fail #40. Nothing of this sort, which leads a rain of lotuses, ever happens in canon. And Karn is seriously not the sort to worry whether he hurt someone or not. Vidur takes the reins of the chariot in hand just as Karn shoots the arrow which strikes a bed of lotuses causing them to rain on Pandu and Kunti. Ms. Melodrama remembers the flowers from her stuffing them in a basket along with Glitterwash and promptly goes into mind-angst mode. She laments that the ‘light of her heart’ (who’ll want to kill her biologically youngest son later for the crime of being a better warrior) had been sent with these flowers. “Vidur, who caused this rain of flowers? Who exhibits such great archery” What the-? BTW, THIS IS NOT CANONICAL! Archery is not some divine gift that Glitterwash got. He worked towards it, as did other, better archers, heck Bheem is better than Glitterwash most of the time in canon. Ms. Melodrama holds the lotus close. The strains of the song “Suryadev Sogaye…” starts as Glitterwash comes forward. She’s anxiously looking for him as he is approaching from the back. She turns back, still looking for him. Episode ends. I suppose this is a catchphrase by now, but I am dreading the next episode. Precap: “I’m disturbed by what I heard in Kuntinagar,” says Ms. Melodrama to Ms. Always Patnidharma. She says something I don’t get and then says that a thorn in the garden of a new house is not a good omen. Ms. Always Patnidharma tells her that her elder brother loves Honey Boy a lot. Scene changes to Poseur and Drama Queen sitting at a board of dice. “Prince Pandu has defeated us handily, I have nothing but hate in my heart for him.” says Poseur. Drama Queen demonstrates his immense ocular muscle control as he strikes the board with a knife.

Wow, I got through this episode in one sitting! *Pats self on the back* Gosh, my tolerance levels are getting better for this wank.

[sanjayyyy-13]

These Batboys gotta chill

Hi guys! This imagine was requested and I overestimated how fast I can type. So it may seem a little crappier than the other Batboy imagines. It is basically the batboys being protective of they S/O . I hope you guys enjoy and be sure to send in some requests!

Bruce: This guy is OVER protective of you. I’m talking, personal chauffeurs, body guards (when he isn’t around) and a tracer on you at all times. He has to be like this because he is a very wealthy business man who gets targeted all the time. You don’t love all this extra security and you can’t get a minute to yourself. But you appreciate it. There was a time you got “attacked” by somebody who was in love with Bruce, I mean who wouldn’t be? When he heard what happened he made sure they were apprehended and he hired a whole new security team.

“Bruce, it’s fine. You don’t have to press charges.”

“No. I won’t have this conversation. You could of gotten hurt or worse.”

“Babe, leave it”

“I’m not going to. I can’t live with myself if anything happens to you”

Whenever you guys are together he does not have to worry because he knows he can protect you because he’s Batman! However one thing that he does have to worry about is all the people trying to hit on you. Because damn.. you always be looking like a snack. Cue his resting “i’m going to kill you if you don’t back off” face. He’ll usually give you exactly 30 seconds to handle it by yourself. Usually that will make the offender back off but on the rare occasion it doesn’t, expect him to be extra touchy with you. It’ll start off with a arm around your waist and then him holding you against him. This will finally get the guy or girl to back off.

For example:

Some dude or dudette: “Hey there, I saw you looking at me across the bar and you are really sexy”

You: “Umm. Im sorry but I think you might have got the wrong impr-“

Some dude or dudette: “Whatever, can I get your number?”

Bruce: “I don’t think you let her/him finish. They were about to tell you to get out of here” *signature bat glare*

Some dude or dudette: “Oh um.. yeah bye.”

You: “I could of handled it, you don’t have to butt in to every-mmrgh” he cuts you off by planting a very passionate kiss on your lips.

Apart from his overprotectiveness this dude is pretty chill and I think he would let you have your freedom but still have you under a watchful eye.

Dick: Bro… he goes 0 to 100 real quick. He may seem all sunshine and unicorns but he has a dark side that is usually uncovered when he needs to protect you. For starters he hates it if you go out alone because you could get mugged, after all this is Gotham. This happened a couple of times but you do have a great right hook, so bye bye bad guys. You may have come home with cuts and bruises, he immediately started babying you and swearing revenge in whatever dick wads did this to you. He gave you a taser gun so you could get whatever shit you needed done faster. Even after teaching you self defense and equipping you with some weapons he still follows you from the top of the buildings during patrol.

The first time this happened you wanted to have fun with him so you sarcastically stated “Oh my god help! I’m being stalked by a spandex clad idiot”. He started laughing and dropped down in front of you. “Hey! I may be in spandex, but I am no idiot” he stated offendedly. Chuckling he pulled you into an embrace and gave you a kiss on your forehead. It was a cute and cuddly moment but got interrupted by a buzz from his comms. “I gotta go angel” he says into your hair. Sigh. “Okay, go kick ass my spandex clad idiot”. He scoffs and disappears into the night.

When you guys are out in pubs he always makes sure that you are next to him. His hand never leaves your waist throughout the night. But as usual some drunk dude comes around asking for your number. Dick won’t even allow you to say one word because he will already be giving threats to this dude.

“Ay ma lemme get that number!”

“Back off before I shove my foot up your ass”

“Jeez, chill. Yo girl you better restrain your man”

You usually have to hold him back from starting a fight with anyone who even glances your way.   (now all I can think about is him aggressively dancing and giving murderous looks to whoever looks at you… I’m dead) Sure, it’s cute but it gets annoying after some time because he never let’s loose afterwards however his love for you kinda cancels things out.

Jason: He’s a pretty chill dude when it comes to people hitting on you because he knows you can handle it pretty well. However he doesn’t tolerate it if anybody gets physical, for example if anybody touches you inappropriately and you are visibly uncomfortable. When it ever come to it he will stalk up towards whomever it may be and give them hell. First he will shoot them murderous looks from beside you or he will push them back and start a fight with them. Once it got so bad that the other guy ended up with a black eye and broken nose. Jason didn’t allow you to go out alone (at night) anywhere after that.

“Back off, they are clearly uncomfortable”

“Dude, chill they ain’t saying nothing”

“Get off of them before I punch you right in the nose”

And the rest is history.

Whenever he comes back from a long patrol and is exhausted he will be sure to collapse right on top of you and smother you with love just to make sure your alive because of the tragic things he see and experiences out there. His favorite position is with you sitting down and his head resting on your chest with your legs spread apart. This is because he can clearly hear you heart beating. There is no need to communicate, you guys are so in sync now that you know exactly how one another is feeling and what they need. (kinda like sims.. hehe)

Sometimes he has horrible nightmares with you becoming a victim to Jokers games. He always wakes up in a cold sweat and a beating heart, but when he realizes your steady breathing next to him he immediately becomes relaxed.

Since his job as Red Hood include making a lot of enemies and some may know his identity because he used to be “Arkham Knight”, he equips you with guns and knives. You have learnt a bunch of self defense techniques with his help and could pretty much become a vigilante. But he would never let that happen, you’re too precious.

Tim: When it comes to people hitting on you he wouldn’t even remotely know how to handle it. He’s such a cinnamon bun that he would let you handle it. Only if you ever really needed help and looked really uncomfortable will he become quite aggressive. Once you guys were at Bruce’s gala and a guy wouldn’t stop stalking you and you couldn’t really go anywhere without him needing to start a conversation with you. So Timmy boy came over and gave this guy a piece of his mind. After that outburst he immediately looked at you wondering if he handled the situation appropriately, but considering the guests expression it was a no. Honestly who the fuck cares because he took you both home for a comfortable night with Netflix and popcorn.

“Tim, thanks for that save back at the gala”

“No problem (Y/N), I will always be there to protect you”

*cue your cuddle session or make out session you preference*

Just like his brothers he make sure to teach you some fighting techniques and deck you out with some gear. He would always ask you to keep a tracer with you because he doesn’t wasn’t to ever lose you. He isn’t crazy overprotective like his dad but he still keeps a close eye on you. He makes sure that you get your freedom and free time but usually he becomes sad without his ball of energy near him all the time. But he always keeps your needs as priority numero uno.

“Babe, Im going out with my friends”

“Really? Now? Make sure to keep the tracer in you purse, don’t drink to much and take care of yourself. Call me if you need anything”

“Okay, mom”

“Seriously (Y/N), I need you to be safe”

“I will, I’m not the one who puts their life in dangerous every single night. Love you”

Damian: He’s just like his old pops when it comes to being protective. But he is so much more  stricter. He has a certain set of rules that he expects you to follow. This includes don’t go out late at night, carry a weapon at all times, make sure you inform him where you are at all the time, blah blah blah. Do you follow them all the time… hell no. Gosh you would go absolutely insane.

His reaction: He gets mad… whats new? You make it up to him and he becomes better. But he won’t let it pass if you brought it upon yourself. Like once you were mad at Damian and you went to a friends party at the club. You tried to make him jealous by grinding upon some poor innocent soul. First he locked eyes with you and gave you a warning. You ignored him and let things escalate, he walked over and that person almost shit their pants because Damian whispered some pretty scary things to them.

“Damian, I’m sorry.”

“(Y/N), you can’t expect me to forgive you. You completely betrayed my trust and did something that almost made me kill someone.”

“Look, how can I make it up to you. I will do any-“

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are always safe”

Ugh he can be so infuriating and smart that it annoys you. But you can see the truth to what he is saying so you start following what he says as long as you can still have your freedom. Whenever he has nightmares about you, he usually wakes you up so he can talk about it with someone. Sometimes he may even break down crying and that’s totally fine but it’s so heartbreaking because he loves you so much and will do legit anything to protect you.

Tags: 

@oachi

[ambidextrousarcher]

Sarcastic StarBharat Reviews-Episode 18: In which there’s a (completely unnecessary) rain of lotuses

Tagging @mayavanavihariniharini @shaonharryandpannisim @medhasree @hermioneaubreymiachase @allegoriesinmediasres @ratnas-musings @butchcaroldanvers @iamnotthat @whydoyoucareaboutmyusername @ambitiousandcunning @chaanv

Please read under the cut for the review.

This episode begins with a shot of fireworks bursting over Hastina. “Let it be known throughout Kururashtra that Maharaj Pandu has won the Swayamvar of Kuntibhoj’s daughter,” announces Satyavati in the throne room. The courtiers all cheer Honey Boy’s name. Camera cuts to Drama Queen as Ms. Always Patnidharma makes an entry. “I’ve brought food,” she says. “Hmm. Keep it,” he replies curtly. She gestures to the servants, who do so. (Why are we paying so much attention to Drama Queen eating. Ms. Always Patnidharma seems tense, too, and she’s holding Sukhda’s hands. I can’t see anything apart from the fact that according to StarBharat, both Gandhari and Sukhda have manicured hands and long, buffed nails.) Drama Queen eats a morsel, looking thoughtful. He says, “The taste is different today,” Sukhda says “Kumari Gandhari has made it to the flavors of Gandhar,” Ugh. Must every other episode have a syrupy sweet scene? This isn’t Sasuraal Simar Ka or something, it’s supposed to be the Mahabharat! “If you don’t like it, I can tell them to bring something else,” says Ms. Always Patnidharma. “No,” says Drama Queen, “The flavor of Gandhar is good. Different, but good.” There’s sweeping melodic music, like this is some kind of grand love proposal, complete with smiles all round. I’m counting this canon fail #34 for good measure. “Will you not sit?” he asks. So help me, someone who actually does exist! She looks shocked. Sukhda nods at her and leads her to sit. “I see Gandhar’s kitchen has entered Hastina,” he says. “This is the first try,” replies Ms. Patnidharma shyly. “It’s a good try, unfortunately, it will not be appreciated here, only Kuntibhoj’s culture will have an impact here in Hastina.” Of course, Drama Queen, drag that into this too. “What is the harm if some of the food is from here, some from Gandhar and some from Kunti?” Wow, what a terrible analogy. He pushes the food away. “Do not seek to teach me! You have no right to advice me!” Dude, she’s your wife. Cease all this ott drama, will you? “I’m trying to calm you down. I can understand that you’re still tense,” she says. This is followed by an even more terrible temple analogy I can’t make sense of, which ends with “We must accept God’s will. It’s better to forget bitterness and welcome Pandu and Kunti…” she touches his shoulder. He, predictably, lashes out. “Do not touch me! I have not given you that right. Whenever I try to accept you as my wife, this is what stops me. You show me again and again how much myself being disrespected gladdens your heart. Neither will I welcome them, nor shall you. I am your husband. My orders are your limit. Whether you accept them or cross them, I leave that on you.” Ugh, dude, how terrible can you be??? Then comes the telltale peacock feather. Ugh, for the last two episodes, we were free of this guy and here he comes up again. Skip. Skip. Skip. This is about bonds of marriage, apparently. Scene changes to Kunti and Pandu bending to take Kuntibhoj’s blessings. He stops her and asks her to take blessings from her birth-father, Shurasena. I’m counting this as canon fail #35. No Yadava dad would be so terrible that he would not even say one word to his daughter if he were actually around during her marriage. Please correct me if Shurasena is actually this terrible, okay? Shurasena digresses, saying that the honor is that of the man who brought her up. Honey Boy agrees with Shurasena, saying that the person who gives up their child just after its birth will always have second place in the child’s life. Camera pans to Ms. Melodrama. Girl, I get it okay? You didn’t want to do what you did. I got that the first time. Also, hats off to the writers for dragging it this much. They take the blessings and Pandu leaves ahead. Kunti hugs Priyamvada. “Can you see how great my husband’s thoughts are?” Oh no. “I’ve become very lucky on marrying him,” Girl, this guy literally dies because he’s too horny to keep it in his pants, okay? That’s not my definition of wise. “Yes, Princess, I can see that. All I ask is that you do not do anything to jeopardize that luck.” Kunti looks askance at Priyamvada. “I cannot cheat my husband!” “Lying for advantage is called cheating. Hiding the truth to protect yourself is not cheating.” “Do not spin webs of lies, Priyamvada,” “The truth of the world is unknown to those who have lived their entire lives in palaces, Princess, yet this very same truth can turn into a weapon in the hands of an enemy.” She ties a black thread on Kunti’s wrist. “What are you doing?” Kunti asks. “This is a charm, Princess, for the happiness of you and your husband. Swear that you will not tell him about your past until this is tied on your hand,” You…do realize she can untie it anytime, don’t you? Ms. Melodrama goes off on a rant about the number of wrongs she did. Canon fail #36, I’d say. The Kunti of the Mahabharata is a pragmatic person, I think she felt guilty about Karn, sure, but not to this extent that she about stopped living her life and its joys. Besides, I think that, if she gets the choice, she’d choose her five sons. (I really want to yell Arjun’s name, but I desist.) There are servants standing right behind her all the while she’s bemoaning her child’s fate, you honestly want me to believe this wasn’t the servant’s gossip of the day and stayed secret in this show? (In canon, it does stay secret, but this isn’t canon) Cue first half of precap scene and then Mr. Glitterwash makes an entry, praying to his Godly dad (I don’t think he knows yet) There’s badass music I’m trying to tune out, because as far as I am concerned, that guy ain’t badass. “Help!” Someone yells. Ah, I see, this is where he turns into Batman. A really poor imitation of Batman. Canon fail #37. This guy isn’t nearly as heroic. In fact, in canon, his entire motivation in life is to kill Arjun. Seriously. He’s the King of Anga, the hotbed of sexual slavery and he does nothing to save anyone there. There’s a kid flailing on a chariot crying for help, everyone scatters in his wake, until enter Mr. Glitterwash, who runs behind the chariot. The chariot strikes a stone on a grassy cliff, the kid goes flying off the cliff and Mr. Glitterwash does his Batman gig. Hang on, isn’t this guy’s selling point the ‘fact’ that he had been ‘poor and downtrodden’ (which he never was)? The guy literally had gold everywhere on him! He’s freaking wearing golden-colored shoes! What the…?     Canon fail #38. Being born of God or not, Mr. Glitterwash is as human as anyone else, and he should have died after that stunt, as he lands on solid Earth. Now, if he’d landed on water, he might have survived. Instead, the Sun apparently gives him energy and he saves the other kid. “Son!” The other kid’s mama rushes to them. “Karn!” Oh, this is his adopted mom making an entry. “Radha,” says a random guy, “Your son is divine,” “Radha ma!” exclaims Glitterwash. She dunks a pot of water on him and breaks the pot. She drags him off protesting. I don’t know what the point of this is…until she asks him what the hell he was doing. Oh, so they are setting him up as heroic. I see. Anyone reading this, please don’t start thinking that this stuff is canon. IT’S COMPLETELY NON-CANON. “I was saving the child!” “Who’ll save you? Bhairav himself?” AARGH. This guy is not heroic! I’ll keep repeating it. She tells him that he’ll be punished. He asks her if she is angry. She tells him to stop making her angry and then ask this question like a wet cat. Speaking of wet cats, this guy seems to have dried up awfully fast from the drench he got like, 2 seconds ago? He’s like “I’m Adhirath’s son, it’s my duty to protect.” Huh? What? You know what, I can’t find it in myself to care. She replies that it’s her duty to protect him from his father. He says that his father is with the King in Kuntibhoj. She replies that they are coming back with the Queen and they should get ready for the Darshan. He goes “You mean they are going to see us?” “Why would they see us?” she asks. “We are neither criminals, nor brave warriors,” “You said that if a King looks at us, we will be very lucky.” “Or very unlucky. The gaze of great people have great consequences.” Okay, quit it with the melodrama foreshadowing already, will you? “Then they should definitely look at us.” “But how?” He gets an inward look in his eye. Uh-oh, I don’t like this at all. They’re gonna glitterwash him more, it’s obvious. Pandu and Kunti enter Hastina on a chariot to the sound of cheers. Priyamvada’s parting words about keeping her secret flash in Kunti’s mind. The chariot stops. “Why have you stopped, Adhirath?” asks Pandu. “The Mahamantri is here to welcome you, Maharaj,” he says.  There is a round of the obligatory pranipaat’s. Vidur says that Satyavati has asked Pandu to visit Lord Rama’s temple before going home. Pandu asks if Vidur won’t welcome his Bhabhishree and Bhraata. Vidur smiles and says he’ll be their charioteer. He sends Adhirath home. Adhirath runs to Radha who tells him that their son has gone to prepare for the King’s welcome. Adhirath asks Radha why she didn’t stop him, as he might use the bow and arrow. (Okay, this…doesn’t seem believable to me.) Gilligan Cut to Mr. Glitterwash praying to Surya and drawing his bow and arrow. “You don’t understand the seriousness of this. I’ll have to stop him now, where is he?” asks Adhirath. Um, but excuse me, please. Karn is canonically Drona’s student. He canonically learnt weaponry from Dron, so what exactly is the issue? Oh, I know! The issue is canon fail #39. Considering Karna is Drona’s student, and that charioteers have to defend themselves often, it’s kind of ridiculous that Karn using a bow can cause such haha-huhu. Scene cuts to Karn who’s praying to Surya so that his objective is achieved without harming anyone. Canon fail #40. Nothing of this sort, which leads a rain of lotuses, ever happens in canon. And Karn is seriously not the sort to worry whether he hurt someone or not. Vidur takes the reins of the chariot in hand just as Karn shoots the arrow which strikes a bed of lotuses causing them to rain on Pandu and Kunti. Ms. Melodrama remembers the flowers from her stuffing them in a basket along with Glitterwash and promptly goes into mind-angst mode. She laments that the ‘light of her heart’ (who’ll want to kill her biologically youngest son later for the crime of being a better warrior) had been sent with these flowers. “Vidur, who caused this rain of flowers? Who exhibits such great archery” What the-? BTW, THIS IS NOT CANONICAL! Archery is not some divine gift that Glitterwash got. He worked towards it, as did other, better archers, heck Bheem is better than Glitterwash most of the time in canon. Ms. Melodrama holds the lotus close. The strains of the song “Suryadev Sogaye…” starts as Glitterwash comes forward. She’s anxiously looking for him as he is approaching from the back. She turns back, still looking for him. Episode ends. I suppose this is a catchphrase by now, but I am dreading the next episode. Precap: “I’m disturbed by what I heard in Kuntinagar,” says Ms. Melodrama to Ms. Always Patnidharma. She says something I don’t get and then says that a thorn in the garden of a new house is not a good omen. Ms. Always Patnidharma tells her that her elder brother loves Honey Boy a lot. Scene changes to Poseur and Drama Queen sitting at a board of dice. “Prince Pandu has defeated us handily, I have nothing but hate in my heart for him.” says Poseur. Drama Queen demonstrates his immense ocular muscle control as he strikes the board with a knife.

Wow, I got through this episode in one sitting! *Pats self on the back* Gosh, my tolerance levels are getting better for this wank. Also, this is my longest review till date. I guess the canon fails keep mounting for Mr. Glitterwash to keep him Glitterwashed.