#i wrote this in my english class while actively not paying attention

[sleeptokeninterpretations]

Sleep Token’s “Take Me Back To Eden” and the five stages of grief

So I have had an idea for a possible interpretation for the album Take Me Back To Eden and as far as I have seen an interpretation with this idea has only been provided for Sundowning so far so I figured I’d give it a try.

Essentially what I’m seeing as a possible interpretation is Take Me Back To Eden expressing the five stages of grief after a suicide of a loved one, in particular a romantic partner. How I came to this idea? Let’s have a look.

TW: we will deal with the topics death, suicide and grief here.

Denial

Why would a song about death and grieving begin with two songs that sound more like an offering (see what I did there) to a lover rather than a sad song?

I think there are two reasons why the album starts with these songs. One of them is the stage of denial. When grieving, many people either feel numb or ever carry on like nothing ever happened in an attempt to ignore the issue. Both Chokehold and The Summoning can be seen as attempts to write about a passed loved one like nothing ever happened.

However I believe there is another reason. Throughout the album we watch the speaker go through a variety of emotions caused by the loss of a loved one. By starting the album with Chokehold and The Summoning, we are to understand how intense the relationship between the speaker and their lover was so we can empathise better with the emotions displayed in the course of the album.

Anger

Moving on to the second stage, anger, which is dealt with in Granite.

Now if you’ve wondered why I think the album might be about grieving after a suicide specifically, the explanation for this is mainly found in songs expressing anger. We will get back to this when talking about anger within the stage of depression but we can find some references in Granite already. It appears that the speaker is mad at their lover for not expressing their feelings before their death. Specifically “we’d rather be six feet under than be lonely” suggests that the loved one has not expressed their negative feelings out of fear the speaker might leave them. A similar theme is dealt with in the line “You say you want me but you know I’m not what you need”.

Bargaining

See, with Aqua Regia and Vore it gets a little bit tough and I definitely find it hard to find lines actually referring to this state but we’ll work with it.

I think Aqua Regia could be understood as the speaker offering to go through the same pain as their loved one in an attempt to get them back, kind of like “come back, I’ll be in pain with you”.

Vore goes in a similar direction, the speaker is trying to make themselves relatable (“Are you in pain like I am”), hoping that this might bring their loved one back.

Again this is very brief (and analysing Aqua Regia has always given me a headache) so I will keep it at this.

Depression

We enter the fourth stage, depression. This is by far the longest stage with five whole songs, which quite naturally shows how grief isn’t linear.

Ascensionism is a whole emotional ride on it’s own and can almost be seen as a trip through different stages within the grieving process.

I would still consider this to be part of the depressive stage. “Anything’s better than the way I feel right now” definitely suggest this.

Lines like “you make me wish I could disappear” might feel a little out of place here as they seem to be directed at a person who has hurt the speaker, however I believe the line is to be understood as “by disappearing out of my life, you make me wish I could disappear”.

Though as mentioned before, Ascensionism is a whole ride on its own and I will definitely write an interpretation on this song alone at some point.

Next we have Are You Really Okay?, definitely one of the main reasons that led me to this interpretation in the first place.

Here we have the speaker clearly expressing desperation and helplessness (“I want to help you but I don’t know how”) and we are confronted with the speaker being well aware of their lover’s mental struggles way before their death. The lyrics of this song are also the main reason I believe the album is dealing with grief after a suicide specifically since here we have a bunch of references to mental health struggles.

Now for The Apparition and DYWTYLM we can see an interesting shift in the feelings. If we stick to the 5 stages of grief we would still be in the stage of depression, however we can see the speaker circling back to anger.

It’s important to know that the stages of grief are to be understood as a “guideline” to what grief can look like when we observe people dealing with illness or loss, yet they do not necessarily have to appear in this exact order, grief is rarely linear.

Additionally we need to understand that a less commonly known symptom of depression is anger, so the anger expressed by the speaker can be understood as a symptom of the depressive state rather than a separate stage.

The Apparition seems to deal with the speaker (day-)dreaming about their loved one, however they keep circling back to reality and realise that those dreams are only based on memories and events that no longer can happen in the present.

Examples for this would be lines like “Why are you never real”, “But I know you will disappear just as I awake” or “Loaded dreams still leave me empty”.

What we can see here quite well is a combination of depression and anger. The speaker is angry with their passed loved one, they basically yell at them to finally leave their thoughts and stop haunting their dreams. At the same time they express the depression and feeling of emptiness that those dreams leave them with.

Now DYWTYLM continues the theme of depression in combination with anger while switching the topic. The speaker now asks for answers on questions that potentially deal with the suicide of their loved one. Simultaneously the speaker understands the death as an offense against themselves, they assume that their loved one has expressed a lack of love for the speaker by ending their own life.

Two things are important here. One, this does not mean that the speaker is self centred, it does not even mean they genuinely hold this belief. Looking for the “bad guy” is a very natural process in grieving, essentially the brain is trying to provide answers to questions that cannot actually be answered. Two, while the song is titled DYWTYLM and therefore the focus is easily on the emotion of anger, I don’t believe this is the actual focus here. Rather than that we can look at all the questions in the verses like “Do you pull at the chains? Or do you push into constant aching?” or “Is there something you give? That you will never receive in return?” While the anger in lines like “maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don’t exist” cannot and should not be ignored, I believe the main theme here is the speaker making an attempt at understanding the emotions that eventually caused the death. Furthermore the speaker briefly expresses their own sadness specifically in the line “my reflection just won’t smile back at me like I know it should”.

Lastly for the fourth stage we have Rain.

I put this under the stage of depression but I do think there is a good reason this is the last song in this stage.

The speaker is looking back on their love “the vicious cycle was over the moment you smiled at me” but we are still slowly fading into the stage of acceptance.

The last line in the bridge “When I open my eyes to the future I can hear you say my name” could be seen as an expression for the very common phrase “they would want you to move on”.

When the speaker thinks about the future, he imagines his lover guiding them a way into said future.

Acceptance

We now enter the stage of acceptance with the last two songs and I believe acceptance refers to two different things in this case, accepting one’s own feelings and finally the actual death.

In Take Me Back To Eden, the speaker mostly attempts at validating their own feelings. In the first verse, they let themselves indulge in memories of the past, in the second verse they express how they have been experiencing the journey of grieving.

One line I want to talk about in particular can be found in the third verse.

“That we’ve no idea what we’ve got until we lose it and no amount of love will keep it around if we don’t choose it.”

I think this is such a powerful way to express both the fear of not having appreciated the significant other while they were alive and the realisation that the speaker themselves can’t be blamed, the death of their loved one was not to be prevented by the speaker just loving their partner more.

Last but not least, let’s move over to Euclid.

We have to understand the death of a loved one does not mean one has moved on entirely. One can simultaneously accept while still being desperate, sad or helpless.

“Give me five whole minutes” may refer to the feeling of wanting to relive the time experienced with the person just a little bit longer. Generally the first verse refers to this exact feeling, getting lost in one’s memories and wanting back the old times just a little longer. If we think about lines like “Give me one last ride on a sunset sky lane”, we can see the speaker almost begging their lost love to come back for just a little bit. This could also be connected to a very common feeling in the process of grief, where one wants to go back to times with the loved one to experience the moments together more consciously.

“Call me when you get the chance, I can feel the walls around me closing in” appears to be the speaker wanting to talk to the loved person they lost while already being aware they won’t actually receive in an answer.

The second verse continues the theme of wanting back the loved one, however the speaker expresses the awareness that they are gone.

“I play along with the life signs anyway” seems to describe the process of slowly getting back into one’s daily life while slowly moving on from actively grieving.

Now as I already mentioned, moving back into your daily life and moving on, does not mean you entirely forget about the person.

“Yet in reverse, you are all my symmetry, a parallel I would lay my life on” can be understood as an attempt to express that the speaker does not want to forget about the person they lost, maybe they have learned a lot of valuable life lessons from that person and want to remember those things in their future life.

“Call me when you have the time, I just need to leave this part of me behind” basically concludes this feeling that has been building up over the second verse, the speaker clearly expresses that they feel the need to move on with their life.

Now for the sake of interpretation we are not going to look into the last verse being a reference to TNDNBTG and just look at lyrics on their own.

The first part of the lyrics once more shows the speaker reminiscing as in the line “We tangle endlessly, like lovers entwined”.

Now let’s have a look the last few lines.

“I know for the last time, you will not be mine, so give me the night.”

The speaker seems to reflect on their own process of grieving while also coming to terms with the fact that their loved one has passed away. They know they cannot be together like they used to be and are ready to go on with their life. “Give me the night” can be understood as an expression that the speaker is ready for new challenges, memories and experiences.

I obviously don’t know if this is the meaning intended by Vessel (if you ask my literature professor the meaning intended by the author doesn’t have to concern me either way).

However I think that it deepens the understand of songs like Are You Really Okay or Euclid and provides a rather new perspective on songs like DYWTYLM.

[itsukkie]

On My Mind

Characters: Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Words: 3.1k

Genre: fluff :)

Summary: How long is it going to take for Tsukkishima to get over himself and finally confess to you? Five times Tsukki wanted to kiss you + the first time he did.

Edited?: nope

a/n: I’m new to tumblr! I’ve never written my own fic before. I mostly wrote this to cope with my own yearning... If you have any suggestions for how to improve my writing or formatting please let me know.

1) 

You never liked chemistry, but that’s why Tsukishima was there. You were fully capable of understanding the material by yourself but Tsukki didn’t have a great deal of faith in your patience.

You groaned slumping back into the kitchen chair and stared at the sheet in front of you. What were you doing wrong? Tsukishima could tell you were getting frustrated by the way your cheeks were flushed and the way your hands were tangled in your own hair as you racked your brain for the right answer. Tsukki briefly glanced at you, studying the way you furrowed your brows and pursed your lips while thinking before silently returning to his own work. Although his eyes were focused on his own work in front of him, he wondered why you hadn’t caved already and asked for his help. 

“Tsukki-,” you looked over at him.

“Do it yourself,” he replied, not even glancing up from his English homework. You let out a small huff. Why did he do that? He wanted to help you. He wanted to lean over your shoulder and feel the warmth of your back pressing against his chest and smell the honey tones of your shampoo. He wanted to see if he could make you flustered by whispering in your ear. But more than anything he wanted to see up close the look in your eyes when he told you that you were correct. So why did he do that? 

Maybe he could just walk to your side and lean over the table, using his hand to guide your face to look at his. How would you react if he leaned down and pressed his lips to your forehead, pulling you into his chest? Would your body relax under his if he whispered sweet affirmations, letting you know just how smart and amazing he thought you were?

But before Tsukki could act on any of his daydreams the front door thrashed open. You looked up to see Hinata and Kageyama panting, kneeling at your front door catching their breath. 

“I touched the door first,” Kageyama uttered in between shaky breaths. 

“I was first inside though!” Hinata yelled, getting up from the floor and walking toward the kitchen where you and Tsukki sat. “Y/N! Thank you once again for tutoring us on a weekend,” he said through a toothy smile.

Tsukishima sighed as he watched you close your chemistry textbook and greet his two annoying teammates. Pulling his headphones from around his shoulder and onto his ears, he tapped his foot to the sound of soft lofi music. But no matter how loud he set the volume, he couldn’t drown out the sound of your intoxicating voice. 

2) 

Tsukishima will deny the fact that he was eagerly awaiting your call when he heard a new art exhibition opened up in town. Of course he’d never have the guts to ask you himself, he just always counted on you to make the first move. 

That’s why both of you stood in front of a canvas encased in an elegant gold frame. Your eyes were fixed on the painting, and given the fact the tickets were 2000 yen Tsukki should’ve also been relishing in the beauty of the exhibit. But he just couldn’t take his eyes off you. The headphones that were wrapped around his head were silent, the calming voice of the tour guide on pause, preferring to hear you talk about how you read about this painting in an art history book. 

He loved the way your wide eyes sparkled, even in the dim lighting of the exhibit. When you walk forward, hoping to get a better view of the detail work, a gold ray of light, reflected off the statue standing behind you, makes its way onto your face, and Tsukishima swears you are the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. With all the people crowded in the exhibit he wonders why no one has yet to stop in front of you to admire you the way he does. And when your mouth slowly curls up into a smile he basks in your magnetism. 

He’s thankful you’re wearing headphones, listening to the virtual tour guide, because he forces himself to take a deep breath to stop himself from wrapping his hand around your waist and pulling you into him. He wants to tell you just how grateful he is that you always ask him to come with you to visit new showcases, even though he rarely pays attention to the actual exhibit. He thinks to himself that this is probably the most romantic place to kiss you right now. But he holds back, turning on his heels and walking to the next painting. 

3) 

You were a smug little brat. Look at you smiling at him from across the classroom, your shoulders rolled back and your chest puffed up with confidence. Debate was Tsukki’s least favourite class activity given his natural aversion to public speaking. But in the moment Tsukishima barely realized that all eyes were on him as he stood at the podium, because how could he focus when you were right there, standing across from him, refuting his arguments one by one?

Tsukishima kept his usual cool outer appearance but he just wished he could let everyone know how proud he was whenever you delivered an especially cruel line. Look at them, that’s the one I love, and they’re smarter than any of you.  Of course it was just as fun watching you get flustered, stumbling over your own words trying to formulate your response to his remarks. 

Something about watching you argue ignited a fire under Tsukishima. You were throwing facts and evidence at him, smirking as the class banged their fists against their desks in support after every point you made. But Tsukki long forgot about his classmates, not even addressing them in his speech, he was only talking to you. 

You kept looking toward your peers, staring them in the eyes as you spoke with charisma. Look at me, Tsukki thought. He wanted you to look him in the eyes while you demolished his arguments. Watching your self-satisfied smile, he wanted to shut your mouth the one way he knew would make you stop talking. What would happen if he snuck his hand into your hair, pulled you to his chest and forced you to look up at him? Would you still have all the confidence you do now?

Tsukishima let a small smile form on his lips. You were too smart for your own good.

4) 

Tsukishima doesn’t understand why you prefer studying at a library when home is so much more comfortable. Plus, if you guys had just stayed home he wouldn’t have needed to walk in the freezing cold winter air with you to get home. But he agreed to coming with you anyway because for some reason it’s just too hard to say no to you.

At least his hands were warmed by the coffee cups he held in his hands. You were beaming about how you heard this place sells the best hot chocolate when you guys passed it. Now you were putting your wallet back in your bag as Tsukki held both of the cups for you. He remarks to himself that one day he’ll pay for both of you. When you grab your cup you shoot him a smile as you keep walking down the sidewalk. You take a large sip and yelp at the scorching temperature of the drink, your tongue now feeling numb.

“Idiot,” Tsukki utters, watching you fan your tongue. 

“Okay I probably should’ve let it cool down a bit, but it was so worth it, try it.” 

Tsukki glances down at your eager eyes and reluctantly lifts the cup to his mouth. Closing his eyes he slowly takes a small sip, careful not to burn himself and that’s when he hears your roaring laughter. When he looks down he sees what you’re giggling over. His vision was impaired, his glasses completely fogged up from the steam of his hot chocolate. Of course he couldn’t see you but he was sure you were relishing in how stupid he looked in that moment, but hearing your laugh he thought to himself that it might just be worth it. 

Still giggling you stand on your tippy toes and pull his glasses from off his face. Tsukishima is startled, although he doesn’t show it. He watches your blurry figure clean his glasses on your jacket before watching you slowly come into focus as you gently lay them atop his ears again. He realizes just how close your face is to him, he realizes how precariously you’re standing. If you were to lose balance you’d fall right into his chest, or maybe your lips might even collide with his. 

“What’re you thinking?” You ask, stepping back to look up at him. What is he thinking? He was thinking of how stunning you looked with snowflakes lightly decorating your hair and your nose and cheeks dusted red from the cold air. He was thinking about pulling you back up to where you were, holding onto your cheek and your waist and leaning down to press a soft kiss to your lips. 

“It’s mediocre at best,” he scoffs and continues walking. You feign a hurt face and quickly catch up to him. He thinks that tasting the hot chocolate from your lips would make it infinitely better.

5) 

Tsukki wanted to kill whoever was knocking on his cabin door at 1am. He was already exhausted from all the hiking, climbing, and biking he had done the day before. Tomorrow morning his year would make their way back to school and Tsukishima hated sleeping on the bus. 

He groaned as he stood up from his bed, walking past a groggy Yamaguchi who also heard the soft knocks at the door. He opened it, looking through squinted eyes, and was unsurprised when he was met with the wide awake eyes of Hinata and Yachi, and a yawning Kageyama who lazily propped himself against the cabin wall. But he was shocked to see you with them, standing in your plaid pajama bottoms and an oversized hoodie. 

“Do you wanna go stargazing?” You asked, jumping up and down to keep yourself warm

Was that even a question? He hates to admit to himself how many times he has imagined a moment like this with you. 

“It’s way past curfew, we’re gonna get in trouble.” Tsukishima heard himself reply in a raspy voice. Yamaguchi poked his head out from behind Tsukki, seeing what all the commotion was about.

“We checked the teachers’ cabin and they’re all asleep, and we’ll be quiet.” Hinata was beaming with excitement. He wanted to try playing on the beach volleyball court. 

“Is it even possible for you to be quiet?” Tsukki glared, leaving Yamaguchi lightly chuckling. 

“Please,” you pleaded, making the saddest puppy eyes you could. How could he not say yes to your wide and playful smile? Before he knew it, he had thrown on a sweater and was quietly running along the dirt path. The six of you giggled and hushed each other as you made your way to the open field.

Tsukishima felt his heart stop completely when you took his hand, making him run alongside you after you noticed him lagging behind. Your laugh was the most contagious thing he’s ever heard. 

You two laid on the grass looking up at the clear night sky. You explained astrology to him while he rolled his eyes, and he explained the physics behind star formation. You had read about constellations and the Greek mythology behind them, and as you passionately ranted to him about the fresh-water serpent Hydra while pointing to the sky, he never lifted his eyes from your face. He noticed a few of your moles and freckles that dotted your side-profile, and in his head he created his own myth behind the creation of your constellation. 

You felt his gaze on your side-profile and when you turned your head to face him, his heart dropped and his hands twitched as they longed to reach out and brush through your hair. 

“What?” You smiled at him. Tsukishima wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful and that, despite all his best efforts, he had hopelessly fallen in love with you. Just look at you. You were so beautiful in the moonlight. He wished he could stare at you all night long, he wished the sun would never come out and he could lay there by your side forever. 

“You have dirt on your face,” he coldly let out, wiping at your chin and pretending to wipe the dirt of his finger before turning away from you to look back up. You muttered an embarrassed ‘thanks’ not even noticing the way his fingertips lingered on your cheek before looking back up as well. 

You both had turned silent, and Tsukishima was angry at himself for ruining the moment. He wished he was braver and bolder, he wanted the confidence to tell you how actually felt. But before he could think about it more, Hinata came running over, pulling you up from the ground and leading you to where Yamaguchi and Yachi found a frog. 

As Hinata tugged you away, running at lightning speed, you barely had the chance to look back at Tsukishima, who had sat up, watching you talk to his teammates. He dug the heels of his hand into his eyes, sighing before looking up at the moon. 

“The moon is beautiful isn’t it?” He whispered to himself.

6)

Tsukishima wasn’t himself today. How was he supposed to be when you weren’t there? He stared out the window all day instead of teasingly kicking the back of your chair, throwing playful notes onto your desk when the teacher wasn’t looking. How was he supposed to focus on the lecture when you weren’t there to motivate him? Lunchtime was quieter than usual. He listened to Yamaguchi rant about this new anime he had started and stared silently at his shortcake. He missed the way you’d interject with your own (usually idiotic) opinions and whine on his shoulder, asking for a piece of strawberry. Sometimes you would make him feed it to you, and although he’d never admit it, he loved it when you did. The last straw was at practice where Kageyama just wouldn’t stop bugging him about his lazy decoy work. Tsukishima was supposed to be the sharp one, the one with the best game sense, so how come he kept missing spike after spike, serve after serve, block after block. 

Coach Ukai let him leave early, today obviously wasn’t his day, and Tsukishima complained that if he was in the same room with Kageyama for another minute someone was going to get hurt. It was all your fault, he thought to himself as he stopped in front of your house. You were such a fucking dumbass. You just had to get sick today.

Your mother let him in, smiling at the familiar face and let him climb the stairs to your bedroom. He softly opened the door expecting you to be sleeping but you were sitting up straight in bed, sipping on a steaming cup of tea. He loved the way your hair was tousled and how you looked at him with tired eyes. 

“You should be sleeping,” he said plainly, dropping his bag onto the floor by your desk.

“Did you miss me that much,” you remarked in a raspy voice. He wished he had bought cough drops for you. 

“I just came to drop off the work you missed.” Tsukishima turned away to rifle through his backpack, hoping that with his back turned you wouldn’t hear how shaky his breathing was. Plopping the papers on the desk, Tsukki turned back around to see you with your arms stretched out.

“Can I have a hug?” 

“No, you’re gonna get me sick.” Tsukki hated himself for saying that. Why couldn’t he just get over himself and his stupid pride. All he’s ever wanted was to lay in bed with you, tuck you into his chest, and feel your shoulders rise with every breath you took. He’s imagined the way it would tickle to feel your steady breaths against the skin of his neck more times than he’d care to admit. “Go back to sleep.” He said plainly before slinging his bag back around his shoulders and leaving you to rest. 

Just as Tsukishima was about to leave through the front door, your mother bumped into him with a bowl of soup, asking him if he’d be so kind as to bring it to your room.

When he opens your door again he laughs to himself seeing you had already fallen fast asleep, in just a matter of seconds. He gently placed the bowl on your bedside table, gently nudging you to wake up. But you were out cold; even when Tsukishima said your name your body had no response. The soup probably needed time to cool down anyway, what’s more important is that you get enough rest. 

Tsukishima took this opportunity to admire you. How your parted lips enticed him, how the skin of your cheeks flushed from your fever, the way your hair stuck to your forehead from all the beads of sweat that ran down. Tsukki decided to head to your bathroom, running a hand-towel under some cold water. He knelt down in front of you and gently dabbed the sweat off your face, careful not to wake you up. You looked so peaceful. 

Tsukishima thought about the way you lived in his mind. You were everywhere now. Looking at your parted lips he thought about how your fingers brushed up against his cheek that one time drinking hot chocolate, how he remembers that moment every time he reaches to put his glasses on in the morning; about how he could never look at the stars without hearing your faint, siren-like voice echoing in the back of his head. You had slithered your way into every aspect of his life. He thought that maybe if he indulged a bit, you would stop showing up in every single one of his dreams at night. This was his chance to do so.

He thought of himself as a coward, he could never bring himself to tell you how he felt while you were awake. This was greedy self-indulgence.

He called your name again, and when you didn’t budge he whispered a faint “I love you”, pressing a long kiss to your forehead. Standing back up, he placed the towel by your bedside before picking up his bag and leaving.

A weak smile made its way across your lips, your eyes barely fluttering open when you heard the front door close.

You whispered in a raspy voice, “I love you too.”

[tomtenadia]

Island Dreams - Epilogue

So, this is it. We officially reached the end. I must admit I am very sad. Writing this story has been such a great journey but Aelin and Rowan have their happy ending. This chapter is set 5 years after the events of the previous chapter. it's divided in two parts. The first one we have Aelin telling in first person what happened in five years. Part two has a snippet of our beloved Whitethorn-Galathynius family. we get to meet Freyja and Morrigan and a surprise too. I hope you love the girls.

I want to say a massive thank to every single person who read the story, reblogged it or left a comment. Thank you. I am so grateful for all the support you gave me.

I am coming back..  A Little Braver is going well and I hope to be brave enough to post chapter one soon.

And now i'll leave you to the story. Enjoy <3

--------------------

5 years later

My name is Aelin and my story began five years ago. I was once heartbroken and one day I left my old life behind and took a flight to Scotland, and then a ferry and I ended up on this island called Lewis. I am a bookworm and one of the first thing I did once on the island was to go and hunt for a bookstore. And well, you know the story after that. It’s been five years since the day Rowan and I officially tied our lives together at Callanish. As promised we went back there after a year and a day and renewed our vows.

Married life had its ups and downs but Rowan and I fought through every single challenge that came our way. We made it work, we fought for each other as we promised and we love each other just as we did when we began. And some. Every year Rowan has been celebrating the anniversary of the day I arrived on the island and officially entered his life. Sometimes I think he prefers that day to our wedding anniversary. Anyway, as you remember we finished the story with the four of us, Rowan, me and our two girls Morrigan and Freyja. Those two cute bundles of flesh are now two very active five years old driving mum and dad crazy but also being the most precious thing in our life. They will start primary school next month and I am trying not to cry if I think how much they have grown. Physically they are their father’s clone. They both have deep pine green eyes and his same silver hair. Freyja likes it long and loves when either I or Rowan braid it. He has become quite a wizard at braiding our daughter’s hair. Morrigan, on the other hand, prefers it short. But the similarities end with that. Personality wise they cannot be any more different. Freyja is like me. Rowan calls her his wee Fireheart. She is fierce and stubborn. She has a very strong personality and for a five year old she has her ideas clear on what she wants. She is like quicksilver and always active. She is the first one to wake up and the last one to go to bed. She is curious and fearless and loves nature just as much as her father. She is out little hurricane. Morrigan, on the other hand, is the calm one and reserved and she reminds me so much of Rowan. She observes a lot and when you think she is not paying attention, she comes up with question that makes you realise she was listening after all. She has an inquisitive mind and her non stop questions can be exhausting after a long day. She is shy. Where her sister had been since tender age happy to be with anyone, Morrigan has always been very selective. Growing up she has her favourite selection of adults. She is very close to her father, probably because they are very similar, but Uncle Malcolm and Aedion come second. Aedion got her hooked on planes. Once we were at his and Lys’ house and Morrigan grabbed one of his models planes and started playing with it. Aedion had started talking about the plane and now when they are together she always ask him about planes. We think she’ll be a pilot. Both girls are obsessed with books just like her parents and Rowan has taken upon him the job of teaching them to read. Morrigan can read very simple words and write her own name. Freyja would too if she could sit down for more than five minutes. Good luck with the teachers. She is very bright, she just can’t stay still for very long. She was probably the one doing all the kicking while in the womb. The amazing thing is that they get along. It took us a while to teach them to sleep in their individual rooms. For a while in the morning we would find one in the other’s bed. Always curled up together as they used to do when they were little. Freyja at the park always play the protective one and looks after her sister and chases away the kids who try to take advantage of her sister’s calmer nature. If we were in a fantasy I would imagine Freyja being the woman learning to wield a sword and who would train with the guys and dreamed of becoming a knight. Morrigan, I imagine her as the one with her nose in books and who dreams of becoming a healer. I think Rowan is writing a story about them. Oh yes, I will tell you about his book in a moment. There is a further family member that I need to introduce: our son Dalamar. Yes, Rowan and I have scandalised parents at kindergarten with our weird names. Freyja did not cause much problems but a couple of mothers had a go at me for calling my daughter with such as negative name as Morrigan. I usually explain that I do not expect my daughter to become the goddess of war but that simply Rowan and I liked the name. And do not get me started with Dalamar. No-one apparently has read the Dragonlace chronicles so when we say Dalamar is a dark elf in the books, well, the glares we get are incredible. But again, Rowan and I wanted an original name. We started searching in books to find something we liked and then Rowan found his old copy of the Dragonlance chronicles and he suggested Dalamar. I joked that if we truly wanted to scandalise Stornoway, we should have called him Raistlin. So in the end we went for something less alien and settled on Dalamar. Anyway, Dalamar is two. He was planned though. Rowan and I had decided we wanted a big family so once the girls were around three we started to try and add another member. When we had the conversation we had talked about having four kids, but alas, Dalamar’s birth has been so full of complication that my chances of another pregnancy are now non existent. But Rowan and I are happy. We have our big family. So, Dalamar has blond hair, much fairer than mine and very light blue eyes. He is a gorgeous wee boy. In terms of personality he is halfway between his sisters. He can be adorable one moment and stubborn like a mule the next. But at least they get along and again, Freyja has taken him under her wing. She really is our knight in shining armour. Both girls are fluent Gaelic speakers. After they were born I asked Rowan if he wanted to teach Gaelic to the girls and he had been very happy about it. So we decided that he would speak only Gaelic to the girls and I was the boring parents with English, although sometimes I am brave and I practice with them, then I embarrass myself and revert to English. We have started the same process with Dalamar and he is like a sponge. Morrigan sometimes helps me with my exercises and Gaelic homework. I am taking classes as well when I can. It’s quite embarrassing when you are almost forty and your five years old daughter tells you “Don’t worry mum, you are doing great.” And then adds something in Gaelic and you need to wait for your husband for a translation. Kids, aside… our lives haven’t changed very much. Rowan still works at the bookstore and Malcolm’s sister is still his assistant. She had been wonderful and he could easily count on her when he needed to stay at home with me and the kids. The shop is becoming very popular, my Facebook page has now reached many followers and a year after our daughters were born he finally managed to set up a website for online ordering. My dearest husband also managed to write a book, find an editor and have it printed and distributed in some smaller bookstores. Of course I told him to have in his shop. We did a book signing hoopla and I don’t think I ever seen Rowan so embarrassed. Anyway, he wrote a fantasy and as promised I was in it and I was Queen as requested. He was my warrior. Loads of angst and epic battles but we end up together. I am very proud of him. Now he is working on one were our children are the main characters. I have only read the fist few chapters and I love it already. But I am his wife so I am biased. I still work at the hospital and still love my job. I started helping as well as paramedic and specifically in the air squad. The team that gets to be airlifted at the site of accidents and the whole thing required a special type of training and it had been amazing. On occasions, I get to work with Aedion. He flies, I save lives. I wish I could tell the London guys that they were wrong. Working in a small hospital is not throwing away my career. I feel more satisfied than I ever felt when I was down south. Malcolm is still my second and I still adore him. Three years ago he finally got married. After my wedding Aiden went for his last deployment and made it back alive and then retired from the navy. He and Malcolm started dating seriously. A year later they moved in together and a year after that Malcolm finally proposed. Aiden has found a civilian job and well, they got their happily ever after. Another couple who got their happily ever after is Lysandra and Aedion. He proposed about five months after mine and Rowan’s wedding and three months later they were married. They had gone for a very small and private ceremony. One year later they had their fist child a boy named Marcus and now Lysandra is pregnant with their second, a girl. She climbed up again the ladder at the hospital and now she is just one level below the head of the department. Then we have Elias. How can I forget him? He is still in Shetland and we keep in touch and we meet when he is back on the islands. His job is going wonderfully and recently got promoted. Two years ago he got married to Ciara and he is happy and a few months ago she gave birth to an adorable little girl named Martha. She is cute. I have seen her when they came down last month. We remained good friends and both had the happy ending we wanted. We still joke and we love to compliment each other on making marriage number two stick. His book addiction got worse and I think I created a monster. He also bought Rowan’s book and raved about it for months. Then we have Elide and Lorcan. We see each other quite regularly. Every year in July they come to Heb Celt and now they can stay at our place. We have been down to Glasgow a few times and Lorcan yearly provides Rowan with tickets for the Six Nations and we religiously go and see the matches. I am officially a Scotland’s fan and I even learnt Flower of Scotland. The boys are proud of me. Elide is still a teacher and Lorcan still the coach of the Warriors. Their family has gotten bigger as well and they have a boy and a girl and Elide is expecting a third one. Apparently they want a big family too. Oh and Lorcan can smile for more than a second. I must admit I have changed my mind about the man and once he gets comfortable with someone he is actually quite a decent human being. He as a dark sense of humour and us two are usually the ones scandalising the group with dark jokes. Aunt Maeve is still running her cafe and she had been a great help as well while the kids were growing up. She would come up with crazy excuses to offer to babysit them and gave us plenty of chances for me and Rowan to have some time alone. Especially after the two births. She also spoils the girls and love to bake for them. Freyja loves to bake with Maeve and, like me is obsessed with cakes. Also, baking is the only activity when our energetic daughter can stay still for more than ten minutes. Morrigan, on the other hand is fussy as her father and not a fan of sweet stuff. We really got one clone each. Dalamar is still too small but he eats anything. My mum has joined the group as well. She has bought a flat up here and sold the house in London. She decided that she wanted to be a part of her grandchildren lives so she moved up here and she is in good terms with Maeve and sometimes she helps her at the cafe. The two of them cooking are becoming very popular in town.

***

“Come on, let’s go and see dad in the shop.” Aelin took Dalamar’s hand and made sure the twins were walking in front of her. Morrigan started blabbing something in Gaelic but Aelin didn’t understand. “Beurla, mo chridhe,” said Aelin to her daughter. “Tha mi duilich, mum.” Morrigan gave her a toothy smile, showing off her missing tooth. They walked to the shop and once they got in the two girls ran to their father who crouched down and they crashed into him. “I bring chaos.” Joked Aelin while Dalamar was still holding her hand. Rowan had started hosting afternoon for kids in his shop when he would reads books or just have storytelling sessions. He had started during the school holidays to have a way to keep the younger children busy but then it became very popular and he kept going, so once a week the shop is invaded by parents and their kids. The twins loved to listen to their dad tell stories. Dalamar loved it as well but he was far too young to understand what was happening so most of the times he would end up playing with Lys and Aedion’s son Marcus. Aelin reached Rowan and gave him a kiss and the twins made disgusted noises and Aelin laughed “one day you will find a boy or a girl and you’ll want to kiss him or her as well and it won’t be as disgusting,” she said tickling Freyja who was the one who was the most disgusted. “I am going to be a knight. I don’t need a boy.” Added Freyja proudly. “I am going to be a doctor like mum.” Was Morrigan’s turn. “So, a knight and a doctor, I guess we got very lucky.” Rowan pulled Aelin in his arms “looks like the goddess of love wants to fight and is not interested in love and the goddess of war wants to heal people.” “Well, you can’t say that we don’t have an interesting family.” Joked Aelin. Then Rowan bend over and lifted Dalamar in his arms “and you?” He kissed his cheek “what do you want to do?” “Tuathanach.” Replied the boy hugging his father. Aelin laughed and brushed his blond hair “that is lovely, my love.” With time and once they were properly settled down they had decided to dedicate a part of the land they owned to have a small farm. They had a couple of cows, a few chickens and loads of sheep. Dalamar loved to run after the sheep and help his dad look after the animals. That’s why Aelin and Rowan were not surprised when he said he wanted to be a farmer. The twins went behind the counter and grabbed the colouring books that Rowan kept stashed for when he had them in the shop and the pencils and ran to the kids’ table at the bottom of the shop. Rowan placed Dalamar on the floor “Go and colour with your sisters.” “Tha.” And the boy joined the two girls. Aelin leaned exhausted against Rowan. “You look tired.” “They have far too much energy. We went to the park. Freyja ran and jumped the whole time. Morrigan wanted to pat the ducks and almost ended up in the pond and Dalamar chased every single dog or cat.” She explained, looking at their kids with affection “then we had ice cream, we went to say hi to Aunt Maeve and grandma Evalin and Freyja and Dalamar stuffed themselves with carrot cake. Morrigan just had a carrot. She is annoyingly healthy like you.” “My girl.” Said Rowan proudly. “Don’t get me wrong, I love them madly, but I just wished they had just a smidge less energy.” Rowan kissed her forehead “I’ll entertain them tonight and make sure they go to bed early. Hopefully they will run out of energy soon.” “Morrigan and Dalamar perhaps. Not Freyja, that girl has limitless power.” “Just like her mother.” Rowan’s arms squeezed her tight “The girls are going to school next month so hopefully they will calm down a bit.” “I am terrified at the idea of Freyja sitting on a chair all day. I feel sorry for the poor teacher.” Rowan laughed “she might find it interesting and actually sit.” “Ro, she can’t even stay still when you read stories.” He scratched his head “I was thinking we can sign her up for some sport.” “You can take her swimming.” Suggested Aelin. Rowan had kept his job as swimming instructor with Dorian and they had made it work. When the kids were at home she would take them to the swimming complex and once Rowan was done they would all swim together. He had begun teaching the twins to float and some very basics techniques. Freyja had loved it, but she preferred jumping from the smallest platform. Morrigan on the other hand had been a good student and had followed her dad’s instructions and could do a nice basic breaststroke. Dalamar would soak with Aelin with his water wings. He loved being in the water. “She could become one of those athletes who jump from platforms into water. A professional diver. She is surely fearless for a five years old.” “I can see her as a rugby player.” And Aelin laughed. “We’ll let her decide.” “Of course,”Aelin kissed him “Look, some mum and kids are arriving.” Rowan was due to start his storytelling session very soon and mothers, fathers and kids had started to arrive in the shop. Five minutes later Rowan took his position at the bottom of the shop on his chair. All the kids sat on the floor on the colourful mats Rowan had bought. Morrigan and Dalamar would sit at his feet, but Rowan would alway keep Freyja in his arms so he could hold her still for a while. “Thank you everyone for coming this afternoon. Kids, are you all comfortable?” Aelin stood in a corner and stared at him as per her usual. Rowan was such a natural around kids. It had been so easy for him to settle into his role as a dad. He had been amazing with their kids and he’d do literally anything to make them happy. But at the same time he had managed to keep the wonderful balance to prevent them to become spoiled brats whose parents would give them anything. “Today’s story is about a princess. Her name is Aelin.” “Like mum.” shouted Freyja in her father’s arms. “Tha, mo chridhe.” And Rowan kissed her head and a smug smile appeared on the girl’s face. “She is fierce and brave and very, very beautiful. So beautiful that all the princes in the realm wanted to marry her.” Aelin laughed and blushed a bit. “Is there a dragon?” Asked Freyja who seemed had already passed her attention span limit. “Shhh, my love.” But he knew it was a desperate hope. “The princess had been put under a spell by her horrible stepmother who was very jealous of her. She could not enjoy true love with the man she loved until the dragon that held the necklace with the spell was killed. Aelin was in love with the captain of the guard, a man called Rowan. The wicked stepmother had found out and so punished her. She had planned to marry her off to a wealthy old man.” When Aelin noticed Freyja was getting fidgety, she took a chair and sat beside her husband and grabbed their daughter so that he could continue his tale. “Rowan offered to go on a quest and kill the dragon but Aelin refused to be left behind. She was not a damsel in distress. So during the night she gathered some of her stuff, donned her armour and together they set off on an adventure. During their trip he would train her with the sword so she could defend herself. It took them a few months but they did manage to reach the dragon’s lair.” “Dragon.” Freyja was ecstatic and Aelin held her tight. “But while they took the path through the magic forest to reach the dragon lair, Rowan and Aelin got separated. The forest was very dangerous but they were both very brave and fought all the perils and when Aelin finally reached the lair she saw that Rowan was already there but he was injured. She drew her sword and decided to face the dragon alone. In the forest she had discovered that she had fire magic and she wanted to punish the dragon. So she started fighting him, but the dragon was huge and she was getting tired. In that instant Rowan woke up again and walked to her. Together they fought the dragon and eventually killed it and destroyed the necklace, setting Aelin free. She finally kissed him and slowly they returned back home. Once back at the castle, they discovered the wicked mother was gone and Aelin and Rowan decided to get married. They invited all the villagers and they lived happily ever after.” Rowan had to simplify the story to make it acceptable to young kids but they seemed to have liked it. He told a few more stories and two hours later the shop was empty and he was alone again with his family. Dalamar had fallen asleep in Aelin’s arms. Morrigan had gone back to her colouring book and Freyja was pretending to be a knight, swinging around the toy sword Rowan had given her. “I am princess Aelin and I kill dragons.” She shouted while Rowan chased her around the shop. Rowan finally grabbed her and lifted her like a sack of potatoes “dad, the dragon,” she protested while trying to wriggle out of her father’s grip. “Freyja!” Aelin noticed Rowan’s command voice. The one that could actually slow down the little terror. The girl stopped moving and Rowan sat her down beside her sister and she grabbed a colouring book and joined Morrigan in silence. “You really have super powers.” Rowan leaned over to kiss his wife’s head “Give me ten minutes and we’ll go home.”

Half an hour later they were finally at home. Rowan carried a sleepy Morrigan and Aelin carried Dalamar who had been sleeping for an hour now. Freyja had followed in silence, with her sword tucked in the belt loop of her trousers. “I’ll make dinner, you change the kids.” Aelin nodded “Let’s go Freyja it’s jammies time.” The little girl gave her a huge smile and followed her mother with Morrigan at her side. Aelin placed Dalamar on the bed, and helped the two girls change into their night clothes. “Did you have fun at dad’s tonight?” “Yes.” They both squealed. Once they were ready, Aelin tied Freyja’s hair “now go back downstairs to dad but let him cook, okay?” The two girls nodded and left the room. Aelin grabbed her little boy and took him to his room, changed him into his pyjama and tucked him in bed “I love you,” she told him while kissing him on the cheek. Then grabbed the baby monitor and joined the rest of her family downstairs. The twins were on the carpet playing quietly with Morrigan’s planes. Aelin joined Rowan and hugged him from behind “Dalamar is in bed and the girls are playing.” She kissed his back “and your food smells amazing.” “Freyja finally calmed down.” “My mum says that she reminds her of me when I was little.” Aelin squeezed him. He switched off the hob and turned engulfing her in his arms “It does not surprise me.” And he kissed her deeply and Aelin replied in the same manner. He pushed her to the table and she grabbed his butt pulling him to her and she moaned against his mouth. He kissed her neck and Aelin’s hands found their way under his t-shirt. Then she pulled away “Ro, the kids are in the other room and awake.” Rowan leaned his forehead against hers cupping her face in his hands. The kiss he gave her was full of need and love “I know.” He sighed pulling away. Their intimate life had taken a bit of a hit and most nights they were too tired to even try and do something. The last time they had managed to get some action was when Aelin’s mother had kidnapped their kids for an entire weekend four months before. And the mornings were not good either because the twins had the habit of waking up and joining their parents in bed for some family cuddling. Aelin crashed her forehead on his chest “I miss our wall…” she laughed “but I know that I would fall asleep as soon as my back hits it.” Rowan kissed her again “I miss you too.” Then pulled away “Come one, let’s go and feed our hurricanes.” In that instant she heard Dalamar calling her through the baby monitor and five minutes later Aelin was downstairs with a weepy boy in her arms “Someone else is joining us for dinner.” The five of them had dinner and once they were done the kids moved to the sofa and Aelin gave them her old laptop so they could watch their hour of tv. She and Rowan had never bought a tv and the kids never asked for it but allowed them to watch an hour of cartoons on Netflix in the evening after dinner while they cleaned up. Most of times they got bored after half an hour and went back playing until bed time but when they were tired they did manage their hour. “They are watching Totoro again.” Said Aelin, joining Rowan in the kitchen with a pile of dishes then she grabbed a towel and started drying all the ones he had already washed. “They do love Totoro.” He added smiling. “Morrigan the other day said she wants to study Japanese so she could talk to Totoro and Freyja wants to go in the woods to look for him.” Rowan roared with laughter “I love the idea of studying Japanese, though.” “Our two wonderful weirdos.”Aelin stored away all the dishes. Once they were done they got back in the living room and silence reigned. The laptop was on the carpet and the three kids were are all hugged together on the sofa. Dalamar sleeping on Freyja’s chest like in the scene where Mei sleeps on Totoro’s belly, her arms protectively around her brother’s back. Morrigan was snuggled against her sister, her hand holding one of Freyja’s. Aelin gasped at the scene and Rowan pulled her to him and kissed her head “they are finally fell asleep.” He turned Aelin and held her from behind, his chin on her head and his arms tight around her. “This is it, Buzzard. This is my island dream.” Rowan kissed her temple. “This is my dream too.”

TAG:

@rowaelinismyotp

[gladiasama]

idk why I wrote that lol it just passed through my mind so I here I am lol

(i continue to say that English is not my first language so there are going to be grammar mistakes or other things like that lol)

fluffy moments or something like that idk that title is too long: dorm leaders edition!!

•_______________________________________•

riddle rosehearts🌹

he is so shy everytime he is kissing you!!

riddle always has scarlet cheeks but not the same as when he is furious about the 1st year's shenanigans. no it is more like pretty and pink flushed cheeks and oh great seven, he looks so cute.

if you are taller than him, he may try to tiptoed with his high heel shoes and just crossing his arms around your neck or just pulling you by your clothes in order to kiss you.

if you are smaller or about the same height as him, he'll just kissing you slowly and passionately while his hands are holding yours and his thumbs moving on circles against your palms.

but don't forget: only in private. he has a reputation to keep.

he is the cutest little bean you have ever seen if you make out after a long and tiring day, when he had to scream more than 10 times "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!" because you know, dorm leader's priorities and jobs. just hug him and kiss his cheeks and forehead, he will be happy :)

he is just so cute dmksjduwi let me kiss him please.

adores all your pastries and food you make for him. his heart will always make a back flip while you tell him that you cook something to eat together.

he is working so hard so give him pastries make of strawberries, they are his favourite.

baby boy is always fond of you, as kalim, he'll try to support you in whatever you do!! do the same for him, because of his past, he didn't have any possibilities to do what he wanted to do... support him, hug him, spoon him (he wants to be the big spoon but in reality, he is the little one because he gets so flustered about your affection)

not too much affection in public, so only in private. expect chenya, cater and ace snicker in his back while he is looking at you with loving eyes. trey is smiling while deuce doesn't really know how to react lol so innocent.

during unbirthday party, he might push slowly the back of your back and putting his hand near your waist while showing you where to sit to eat pastries.

conclusion: a cutie only for you.

leona kingscholar🦁

oooh dude I hope you are ready for this man.

he can be the most passionate kisser or he gives the laziest kisses you will receive in your life.

he'll always have the control of the kiss but try to be reckless!! if you manage to find the best moment to slowly rub his ears while laying in his bed, he'll melt.

his tail is constantly grabbing your wrist or just rolls around your arms, hands, thighs or waist. he has no shame so except some kisses in public but not in front of certain people (*cough*malleus*cough). the same as riddle, he has a reputation to keep.

no difference if you are smaller or taller or the same height as him, just kiss grumpy man.

lazy kiss. lazy kiss. lazy kiiiiiss. after a nap at school or in bed, if your lips brush one one of his ear, it will twitch as many times as you do it. just expect him pulling you down and licking you face, you know lion thing or cat thing idk.

will look at you fondly while you take care of cheka.

but if you point out it to him, he'll look at you with a disgusted expression while cheka has sparkles in his eyes.

unfortunately, cheka tells to his papa that his oji-tan has finally find someone!!so when leona goes during holidays to the afterglow savannah, farena will make a celebration about it and will ask to his little bro to bring you one day!! blabla marriage. blabla party to celebrate it nanana.

leona threatens his family to throw farena from a certain climb lol if he doesn't stop.

if you want to help ruggie, cook for him but no vegetables because he is so picky :/

will say it is a tolerable meal but oh boy he is screaming in his head because you cook for him he is falling for you again and again

the best meal he ever has.

he takes the best nap while laying next to you or even better: his head on your thighs. pet his hair and rub circles around his ears and maybe, I say mayyyybe if he is in a good mood, he would purr. his tail would wag and tap a certain rhythm but don't worry, baby is happy.

but if you and leona manage to hear ruggie's particular 'shishishi', leona would wake up in one second and would run after donut boy in order to end up his life.

poor ruggie.

azul ashengrotto🐙

oooh baby octopus boy.

he has one condition about kisses: not in public. after all, he is one of the seven powerful dorm leaders of Night Raven College!! as riddle and leona and many others, he has a reputation to keep. moreover, he doesn't want to be laughed at by a certain duo of twins eels, who would never miss an opportunity to flustered azul:)

however, in private (in his room or the VIP room idk), praise him like you never praise someone before, pepper his face with little smooches and soft kisses and pat his hair. even if his cheeks are redder than riddle hair and some tiny tears begin to appeared at the corner of his eyes, don't stop. he trusts you so much that he accepts to show you his most fragile sides. ily azul urggg

just, don't make fun of him, he already has jade and floyd to do that lol these rats.

and don't forget to pat azul's head 3 times a day or he will pout lol

don't be afraid to spoon him, taller or smaller, just kiss him if both of you want it (it is important to ask and to be ok with it!!)

tell him he does a good job when he things that he is just useless (no you are not baby). even if he looks confident while doing jobs and contracts in mostro lounge, he panics easily when something he didn't think about appears.

don't judge him when his face is wet by tears and ink when he is in octopus form. expect jade or floyd calling you when azul refuses to leave his pot because of an unknown reason.

just reassure him and show him that he can trust you.

he trusts you so much that he cries harder while hugging you like his life depends on you.

too much affection and love to give for one person lol drown him with your love :D

kalim al asim☀️

my babyyyy sunshiiine :D

you don't ever have the time to propose him to give him a kiss that he is already throwing himself to you.

I hope that you don't hold anything into your arms or hands because now you are holding kalim.

everytime he sees you, expect kisses and cuddle lol

you wake up, kalim is kissing your cheeks. preparing to school or attending to? forehead kisses!! you eat and some food crust is at the corner of your mouth? oh boy smooching time!! goodnight kisses, good marks kisses, pain pain go away kisses when you injure yourself!!

I'm such a simp for him wth.

also expect him to always looking at you in classes or just whenever you are with him.

it is such a problem for jamil because he has to scold kalim and watch him at the same time because he is too occupied to focus on you :)

night adventures on his flying carpet are great!! will always give you his big and fluffy cardigan if you're feeling cold or if you just want him to roll himself in your arms while sitting between your legs.

he is so cute and is your biggest fan of whatever you do.

food date!! kalim takes you to scarabia to eat some good food that jamil makes. no, kalim is forbidden to approach the kitchen because he may destroy the dorm by accident just by trying to cook something for you. poor jamil dear.

will eat everything you cook for him and treats you as the best cook ever. don't tell jamil.

loves studying rendezvous, he helps you understand some lessons and you do the same for him. however it is complicated for the both of you to stay concentrated: kalim bright smile is charming you (there is only one sun in the universe and it is kalim *point a gun to the 'sun'*) and kalim has some difficulties to look at the text you are explaining, his eyes are only looking at you, his darling.

dance with you during his parties and if you are too tired or too shy to dance in front of everyone, go go in the carpet!! dancing in the middle of the night while jamil is screaming after kalim to come back because he can't see him from where he is. poooooor jamil let me kiss you bby-

looking at you with heart eyes is one of his favourite activities.

vil schoenheit💅🏻

good luck if you want a kiss from him. every mornings, he takes a lot of times to do his fabulous make up so he doesn't want you to ruin everything in less than 10 seconds.

or if you manage to kiss him, it is just a light peck on the lips or cheek. nothing too hard only if he wants to leave a lipstick stain on you ;)

as the others (less kalim of course), private moments are the best. here, in in his room after washing his face and after doing his routine, just lay in bed with him and cuddle time!!

loves to do your make up!! he will do your eyeliner while you're laying in his bed lol

difficult to have a full moment of intimacy at pomefiore. I won't give name but a hunter here seems to spy on you, hidden in trees when you forget to close the curtains.

I guess that his walls are now full of pictures of vil and you lol the 2 most beautiful persons for him

you try to convince vil to give more liberties to epel, since the queen has to take care of his precious potato instead of some ugly ones lol

don't pay attention to the potatoes who ask for his autograph or selfies when you walk together. he is super famous after all

but if you are jealous about it or some fans are too much intrusive or too sticky and still following you, just kiss him languidly. he doesn't matter anymore if his make up is on your face, he will leave you breathless while you can hear some 'kyyyya!!' behind you.

might be flustered lol he will blush

eheh you are his only love

sweet and fluffy moments are the best with him, just shopping, scrolling together on magicam, experimenting new make up or hairstyles,... everything is better together!!

make him some food low in calories but still sweet and yummy, he will melt right away:)

vil darling is super cute wtf.

idia shroud💀

imagine that this boy is naturally flustered, shy and attracted by you just by standing or looking at him, then imagine his reaction when you kiss him?

be patient and comprehensive with him. it is not that easy to kiss the one you love even if you believe and put your trust in that person. everyone has to go to their own rhythm so please respect that!!

once, he feels ready to kiss you, cup his cheeks and give him the softest kiss that you can give. his hair will bright a scarlet red while his pale cheeks will take a pretty red colour that he could make riddle faints. poor little bean.

show him that he can trust you and be natural in your company. he'll be so moved of how you treat him so gently.

he is a big sweetheart, please treat him gently or you will die by my hands.

videogames night date!! will invite you to come to his room while ortho is looking for sweets and junk food to eat tonight!! baby is so excited to have a night with his onii-chan and you that his eyes can't stop twinkling and idia even has to calm his down if ortho doesn't want to explode (I hope he won't).

say that you have cooked something for him and his heart will doki doki while he is screaming and stuttering some incomprehensible things. oh no, now the fire alarm is making a high noise but not so high as idia of course.

always thinks about couple date cosplay!! nosebleed if you manage to cosplay in his favourite character. you were his second husbando/waifu but now you officially are the first one!!

he has never be so happy since you are with him so please treat him so well.

(+he even makes a list to azul to explain why you are the best lover ever.)

(++ortho tells their family about you, I swear they cry and scream when they learn that their shy, introverted and otaku son has finally find someone so caring and loving as you.)

malleus draconia🐉

malleus chuckles everytime you try to kiss him. indeed, he is probably one of the tallest student in NRC and looks also very intimidating. however, he is the sweetest dragon fae that you have met in your life.

his kisses are so passionate and sweet at the same time!! his hands are holding yours or he caresses your cheeks.

he always try to flustered and teased you. he can't do anything about that, faes love to make so pranks on people! but considering that you are his lover and he is not like a particular little and old fae, he just keep teased you in order to see this beautiful and blushing face of yours~

likes dancing with you, even some easy dances. as long as he can spend time with you, he is genuinely happy.

absolutely loves to go to night walks with you. he will show you the most beautiful places he noticed before coming with you and honestly, he has good choices. the landscapes in twisted wonderland are so magical and incredibly pretty. but malleus can't stop looking at you, he thinks that you are the prettiest thing living in this world. how cheeky of you. lilia is so proud of him.

lilia, sebek and silver are watching you further, hidden behind some bushes. lilia is chuckling and smirking of how much the two of you are so cute while silver is asleep against a tree. sebek is staring and can't stop muttering about how great his waka sama is and how a simple and little human like you could be with malleus. he secretly ships the two of you because you make malleus happy but whatever.

lilia had to hit him at least 6 times because sebek can't stop shouting when malleus takes your hands in his, tucks hair behind you hair, kisses you or just looks at you lovingly.

he has a stomach makes of iron because of lilia's cooking so he will eat whatever you do to him but please, don't bake a cake. he really dislikes cakes. buuuut, if he learns that you can make ice cream or these sort of cake only make of ice cream (I have no idea of what they are called??), surprised pikachu face. will eat a tons until his guards (mainly sebek) tries to explain to him that eating only sweets are not good for his health and that you must NOT give them to the young lord because you can hurt him yada yada yada. malleus makes you run away to ramshackle dorm in order to have peace.

he is just so happy that he finds someone -as strange as you are- that is not afraid of him because of his name or nature. he will cherish you so cherish him with all your heart and soul lol I'm soft.

~~the end~~

•_______________________________________•

[blurry-fics]

English Class

Pairing: high school!Tyler Joseph x Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1964

Request: could i request something related to the rose colored boy series? as i’ve said i love that story a lot haha. but maybe just a little imagine about how they met each other and their first impressions?

Author’s Note: As stated in the request, this is part of the Rose Colored Boy storyline! Their meeting in english class was mentioned on multiple occasions, so here it is for you to read :) I hope you enjoy it! Also, yes, I have listened to Level of Concern and I love it!! (picture credit)

Your POV

Music blasted in your headphones as you made your way through the halls towards your English class. Your fingers were wrapped tightly around your backpack straps, tucked into your sides to avoid bumping into anyone. Getting to English class was always the worst part of the day since you had to walk all the way from one end of the school to the other through crowds of juniors and seniors who were just getting back from lunch, hence the tucked in arms and loud music to move quickly and drown everything out.

You were relieved when you finally made it to the English hall. There were only a few kids hanging out outside of their classrooms, mostly talking to friends and putting off going to class as long as they could. They hardly gave you a second glance as you walked past and ducked into your own classroom.

You started to head for your seat out of habit until you realized that Julie was sitting in it, scrolling idly through her phone. Confused, you turned towards the projector to see if there was some warm up activity about sitting at a different table. Your stomach practically dropped when you realized that there was a new seating chart. You had just gotten comfortable enough to make small talk with the people you had previously been sitting with.

After a minute or so of working out how the seating chart was aligned, you figured out where your new seat was and sat down in it. Your table partner, Tyler, had already arrived and was scribbling something down in a bent notebook. He glanced up at you and smiled as you took a seat, but didn’t say anything.

Probably because of the headphones.

You snuck a glance at Tyler when he seemed particularly wrapped up in whatever he was doing. The two of you had never talked before, but you knew a little about him. He was one of the kids from the other middle school that a couple of your friends had gone to; they were always talking about how they had huge crushes on him in seventh grade, but he had never really been interested. You could see why they thought he was cute, his eyes were nice and the brief smile he had given you was enough to make your stomach flip. That, and he played basketball; that was always a bonus in your friends’ eyes.

He started to turn in your direction, so you quickly made yourself busy by unzipping your backpack and pulling out your designated english notebook. The front was already covered in doodles from the friend that you used to sit next to in this class, but now she was on the other side of the room. From the looks of it, she was having no problem making friends with the new people that she was sitting with. Your table, on the other hand, was largely ignoring each other’s existence.

When the bell finally rang, you paused your music and tucked your headphones away into your pocket. You were only a few months into the school year and had already received numerous warnings about listening to music in class. Mr. Brown had even said that if he caught you one more time, there would be detention involved. You weren’t really looking to have to explain that to your parents… or Carter, for that matter.

“Alright, class! Good morning! I’m happy to see that all of you were able to find your new seats,” Mr. Brown said, making his way towards the front of the room. “I will be using that to take attendance today, so please make sure that you are sitting in the correct spot so that you don’t get marked absent. While I do that, I would like you to take a few minutes to introduce yourselves to your table members. You will be working closely together during the next unit, so I want you to at least know each other’s names. Go ahead.”

You slid a little farther down in your seat, not wanting to be the first to introduce yourself. Thankfully, Tyler was more than willing to start everyone off.

“Hi, my name is Tyler.”

He looked to you and raised his eyebrows. You cleared your throat and sat up a little straighter.

“Y/N,” you said, forcing a smile.

The rest of the table introduced themselves and then went quiet, getting back on their phones or making faces at their friends across the room. You idly tapped your pencil against the cover of your notebook.

“What music were you listening to?” Tyler asked.

The question took you by surprise. Sure, your friends had told you that he was talkative at times, but you never really expected him to talk to you. You stopped leaning on your hand and turned to face him.

“Oh, you know, just random stuff,” you said, too embarrassed to give him the actual answer.

“That’s cool,” he nodded.

“Do you… ever… listen to music?”

Really?

“Yeah, I’m really into music.”

“Who do you listen to?”

Tyler shrugged and leaned back in his chair. “I think The Killers and Death Cab for Cutie are my favorites right now, but it’s always changing.”

“My brother really likes The Killers, he’s constantly playing their music while he does homework.”

“Same, I listen to their music when I practice basketball, usually.”

“You play basketball?”

Yes. You already knew the answer.

“Yeah, I’ve been playing since I was little.”

“Are you going to try out for the basketball team?”

You were surprised by how easy conversation with Tyler was becoming. Maybe it was the encouraging smile on his face or the fact that he hardly even blinked when you were stumbling over your words. Either way, you were beginning to be thankful for the seating arrangement change.

“I’m thinking about it, but I’m not sure that I would be good enough.”

“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he smiled. “I guess I don’t want people to think I got picked just because my dad is the varsity coach.”

“Easy, just make sure you’re actually good at basketball,” you laughed.

“I am, don’t worry.”

You were about to make a joke about his cocky attitude, but the teacher grabbed everyone’s attention again and started to talk about what he had planned for the day. Tyler smiled at you over his shoulder before turning and paying attention.

This was definitely turning out better than you had anticipated.

Tyler’s POV

“Alright, I’m going to give you the last ten minutes of class to silently work on next week’s short story assignment! If you have any questions, I’ll be at my desk.”

Silent? That wasn’t going to work.

I glanced over at Y/N, who had already written a few sentences at the top of her page. Her hand was moving quickly across the page, writing sentences that looked much neater than mine would if I ever started writing. I would much rather sit and talk to her, but there was no way I would be able to get away with it during silent writing time. There had to be some other way that I could keep up a conversation.

I quietly ripped out a sheet of notebook paper and pulled off the perforated bit on the side. Across the top, I wrote down a question for her to answer as an icebreaker.

What are you writing about?

I folded the paper in half and made sure that Mr. Brown was turned towards his computer before sliding it to her. She stopped writing and glanced at the piece of paper. With furrowed eyebrows, she unfolded it and scanned the question I had written. I watched as she wrote out her answer, folded the note, and slid it back to me.

It’s kind of hard to explain, but basically there’s this city that all these people are stuck in and they try to escape. Only one of them is successful though. I don’t know, it’s kind of stupid and I’m not explaining it very well. What are you writing?

Stupid? That didn’t sound stupid at all. I made sure to write that down.

I don’t think that’s stupid at all, it sounds really cool. I’m not really sure yet, any ideas?

Y/N took a moment to finish her sentence before grabbing the paper and reading my new note. She pursed her lips and took a moment to think before answering, trying - and failing - to conceal a smile as she wrote back. It was cute.

Wait, what?

What if you write about a castle that’s under attack by something ridiculous? Like a giant pineapple or something?

Now I understood why she was smiling. We shared a look before I started to write back. It had to be funny, that way I would get to see her smile again; something about it made my stomach fill with butterflies.

And once they destroy it they celebrate by making piña coladas for the entire town?

I passed the note back to her. She opened it and smiled.

Success.

Before she had a chance to pass it back to me, there was the sound of footsteps behind us. The two of us turned around to see Mr. Brown standing behind us, his hands clasped in front of him. In our excitement over the story idea, we had failed to keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn’t paying attention. Wordlessly, he bent down and picked up our note. He was nice enough to read it silently.

“I’m expecting you to come up with your own ideas, Mr. Joseph, but you should be thankful that Ms. Y/L/N is nice enough to help you.”

“Thanks,” I said, turning to her. She tried so hard to conceal a laugh that she ended up snorting.

“Back to work, you two.”

I didn’t make a second attempt at trying to pass her a note, not wanting to get her in trouble for my bad decisions. Her ideas had helped me create my own, though, and I was able to spend the last five minutes of class writing a couple paragraphs.

“I want to actually thank you,” I said as I started to put things into my backpack. The bell had just rung and the entire class was filled with the sounds of shuffling paper and zippers. “I didn’t use the pineapple idea, but it did help me come up with something.”

“I’m glad I was able to help,” she smiled as she pushed an earbud into her ear.

“Also, you should totally listen to Death Cab for Cutie and let me know what you think.”

“I think I’ll do that.”

I could see that she was eager to go and I was the only reason she was hanging behind. Not wanting to keep her longer, I said a simple, “I’ll talk to you next class.”

“Bye, Tyler.”

She put her other earbud in and walked out of the room without another word. I finished packing up my things and walked into the hall to meet up with Nick, who had just finished his own english class.

“How was class?” he asked.

“Really good. We got a new seating arrangement and I’m sitting next to this really cool girl.”

“Oh yeah? Is she cute?”

“It’s not like that,” I said. “She just seems like someone I would want to be friends with.”

“You can be friends with cute girls, you know.”

I shook my head, although my cheeks were already getting hot. “Ok, yeah, she’s cute.”

“I knew it!” Nick laughed. “Still, that’s really cool.”

“Yeah.”

For the first time ever, I was looking forward to the next time I had english.

[rosemallowss]

Im so sad too with all that´s happening around TBWDOA, it was magical the first time that I listened it: so much life, love and humanity even in the darkest places of the world... I felt that the hope around it was more strong that any problematic subject... I know that maybe im being naive and self-blinded by my own privileges, but im so angry that the controversy destroyed what for my was so beautiful. I dont know if this is weird, but I wanted to talk with someone that maybe feels the same :(

Hey dude, I thought exactly the same thing. I actually still think it, but every time I see any trace of the show in my camera roll or the copy of the album, it’s so hard not to think about all the angry people. I think now that it’s been a few weeks however, I can fully hold a discussion about this musical without feeling guilty or sad. Despite what other people think, I really don’t believe that the writers has hostile intents at all. If you look at old posts like this:

You can tell just how passionate they were about this show. & plus, I realized recently that these guys tend to write shows about topics that are not normally talked about as well. Example: this show and ‘Talk To Me’– a show about a child who is on the Autism spectrum. I suppose you could kind of count their other show “With The Right Music” as kind of that? However I’m actually not totally clear on what that show is about since it wasn’t actually written to the end– though I think it is about a closeted teenager in high school. I suppose this counts because there aren’t that many musicals written about closeted teenagers. I truly don’t believe that they were trying to offend anyone– simply were just so so invested in trying to get a story out there, maybe one that was unfamiliar to them, and perhaps it was also bad timing that the full show was released? Or maybe they were just as naïve too when they wrote the show probably around 2015 (earlier?) I used to always get their attention (unintentionally I swear) on Twitter when I’d talk about the show. Those dudes were really kind. And they follow back a lot of their fans. So, perhaps it was just naïvety? I’m aware that they’re attempting to make it right, and they are probably at the moment in conversation with Afghan Americans. That’s important, and speaks more than words I think. I know Troy, Nikhil, Sittichai, and Jonathan have been under fire. Troy has gone silent and if I’m not mistaken I think Sittichai and Jonathan as well? Other actors in the show such as Osh (Zemar) and though a small appearance– Shiv Pai (future Paiman’s son) have gotten no such comments I realize. Maybe the show was bad timing. Perhaps it would’ve had a more positive outcome in terms of rising popularity had it been talked about in a past tense; in a sense that “this practice doesn’t happen anymore” so that the setting is not modern day, but instead sometime in the late 1900s?Would that have made the show less controversial? Maybe? But we can never be sure. Would it have been less controversial if they minimized the extend of the abuse? Or removed that altogether and made it that it was simply two boys falling in love in rural Afghanistan who were coming terms with the fact that they were feeling this feeling with each other? well, yeah, because it would just be a love story in a different setting, and we’d probably see Feda and Paiman exploring the marketplace as well. If this was the case, I’d assume the conflict of the story would be homophobia from parents/internalized homophobia itself, or struggling to understand themselves. Another conflict could be something that many teenagers experience as well, such as fear of the future. Maybe arranged marriage could still be a conflict, and since Feda’s name literally means “sacrifice” he’d probably still have to die in the end. Perhaps they could have rewritten the show like that and the show would have little to no controversy? The music is incredible, and it could even portray the beauty of Afghanistan through their amazing way of writing music. I’m just brainstorming and rambling here, sorry! when it comes to this show it seems as though that I always just vomit out more words than anyone cares to hear. Let’s address why it was controversial as well though... Many were repulsed by the idea of s-x trafficking as a musical, and even more outraged with the musical being about Afghanistan. It showed negative parts of the country, and that would add on to people’s perception and dislike toward Afghans, which if you live in America you are aware of the racists’ stereotypes and disdain toward Afghans. (If you are naïve like me, you probably did not catch that as well. I truly forgot that there were people who perceived Afghans in a negative light. I was awed by the diversity in the show and so focused on that) I believe that they also have said how gay men are usually perceived as pedophiles as well and this show did not help to minimize that harmful stereotypes. I’m obviously kind of dumb because I didn’t realize that stereotype.

However it is true, because realized I often see this trope in fiction books about “creepy uncles preying on their nephews”. Though people don’t agree with the fact that it is a musical, I always saw it as a different way of storytelling. There’s a book called The Kite Runner that talks about the same topic in this musical by the way. I didn’t know this but my friends have had to read that book as an assignment in their English class. I thought, well, TBWDOA, it just tells the story through songs. So all in all, these were many of the points people made, and you cannot be upset with them for being angry. When I first listened to the show, I was aware it was controversial, but I thought the controversy would be something that can be discussed and debated while being enjoyed. Similar to how Hamilton is often debated for glorifying the founding fathers while still being a good show. However, when I replied to one comment because I thought that this was how it was going to go, I was bombarded with several other comments, I was called pedophilic and was told that because I was not Afghan that I should not speak and when someone said that, I realized “okay, I was wrong to think that this was an issue that could be debated!” I did not realize how much deeper it would be. As a result, I was flooded with comments from instagram and twitter and it was STRESSFUL and overwhelming that I just couldn’t sleep and had to take a break! However someone told me that even the most controversial, flawed works of art should be appreciated or discussed. It’s up for debate if that’s true. The show is incredible in portraying the strength of the human spirit— “find your voice, even if it’s weak, using it can make a difference that will lead to a greater change.” It showed a boy who used something that was SUPPOSED to degrade and silence him as a tool to lift him up and strengthen him– that was an incredible theme. He found power in the resources he could. Dancing was supposed to be something he could not decide, but he made it his own, would not let it weaken him, and used it as a tool to push him toward more positive hopes. There’s something so powerful about people taking back the thing that was supposed to weaken them, and twisting in into something that gives them strength. Though just because the music embodies the main characters incredibly and the message is empowering, we cannot ignore that perhaps, yes the show was quite insensitive to many Afghan Americans. It might take me several months before I can listen to any song from this show again though. But the show has such a special place in my heart, for making me fall in love with music theory and musical instruments all over again, for pulling my heart strings with incredible themes/life lessons, and the show embodying that theme in a heartbreaking final song, and then lastly providing a beautiful love story. Am I insensitive for saying that? I really don’t want to be, but a story like this has never made me feel like that before. I was intrigued by Islamic wedding customs and researched into that. I fell in love with the purpose of whirling dervishes, and fascinated by how beautiful that was. I watched videos about them, i read about them. Feda talked about an old Afghan poet in the show and god, for hours I looked up that poet and read the translated English phrases (didn’t finish however). I was taken by the beautiful geography of Afghanistan. I researched beyond the show to look at Afghan culture and I appreciated that. I understood that, of course this wasn’t a common practice that is active in Afghanistan. But I’m aware now that so many people will not see it that way at all. They saw the show as indulging the idea that this practice is apart of their culture which is not true, and the original theater did not market that well at all.. I want to hope that this was just really bad timing, that this show was misinterpreted, and in the future will be enjoyed and discussed rather than torn apart. I never like being on the controversial side of things, but, gosh, I don’t know.

But, I know exactly how you feel. And I welcome any asks/my messages are open for discussion about this show now.

[theropoda]

3, 4, 6-8, 11, 13-17, 19-22, 26-30 uwu

WOO LAD THAT’S A LOT THANK U!!! this got long and i wrote an essay or two LOL so im putting it under a readmore!

3: Best game you’ve ever played? WEEEELLLL.......let me preface this with two things: one, i am a FAKE GAMER as in my laptop is not at all made for gaming, it’s piss poor, so a big chunk of games i’m interested in is because i watched a playthrough of them lol. i have a 3ds but only 3 games on it (animal crossing new leaf, tomodachi life, nintedogs & cats). second, i’m very bad at choosing favorites of things.....BUUUUT .....i choooooose, in no particular order, OFF, pigeonetics, elder scrolls oblivion, pathologic classic HD!! i’m more than likely forgetting a few though, so sorry about that

4: Worst game you’ve ever played? as i said above, cannot choose favorites, neither can i choose whatever the opposite of favorites is but...uhh, does lif even count as a game? like lif, the stupid little furry flash game i remember playing on some shady website. it was surprisingly very active with a BUNCH of people there but i kept dying like every 5 seconds....AWFUL

6: A game that’s changed you the most? WELL define Changed.....ummm aha first thing that comes to mind is OFF. it’s one of those things where you never knew you wanted something so fucking bad until you saw it--and it’s like that for me. i NEVER knew i loved that odd, surreal, colorful, “looks playful and simple in some parts but incredibly violent and unnerving in other parts” aesthetic til i played it. like aesthetically i love that game to BITS and something about it just stuck with me til the end of time.

later in life (meaning, past year or so) it changed me because it taught me a lesson about storytelling and creative endeavors. a very useful lesson. which is: things don’t really need to have a meaning. stories, art, music, writing, whatnot, while it CAN be deep and meaningful, while you CAN use it as a way to communicate with the world about all kinds of heartfelt things, it can also be...nothing, really.

once i, as usual, got ridiculously overwhelmingly sad about small things. specifically seeing other people around me come up with all kinds of deep and meaningful characters and stories, sometimes putting them into webcomics or writings of theirs, and they were all so well-thought out and detailed and what i envied most was people put a lot of themselves and their experiences into them, venting and coping through them, whilst also making these larger-than-life grandiose complex stories and worlds and so on and so forth.

it made me look at my own ideas and get mad/frustrated at how shallow they were. but then i remembered OFF and i felt better because Fun Fact, mortis ghost has a now-abandoned dA account and if you go through the comment section on his profile, he answers a lot of fan questions and he mentions several times that the game didn’t really have a “meaning”, it didn’t really have a “deeper story” or moral or anything, really. i’m paraphrasing this but i vividly remember him saying “i wanted to make a game, so i did”.

that made me feel a lot better because it made me realise that sometimes art--especially stories, in my case-- doesn’t NEED to be DEEP or have MEANING...sometimes it can just BE!!!! sometimes it really can just be all about AESTHETICS like who GIVES a shit if there’s a hidden meaning if you take the first letter of all of your characters’ names and put them backwards, sometimes all that matters is if they just VIBE with you y’know....

yume nikki is similar in this regard bc that game doesn’t have any story other than “collect egg” and yet it’s so impactful. that game doesn’t have a story or meaning it just IS........ :) GOD THATS SO LONG IM SORRY ABOUT THAT but yeah. funny violent ghostbusting baseball man is a game that changed me :)

7: A game you’ll never forget? OFF AGAIN LOL,,, it’s just so memorable because of how unique it is. visuals, soundtrack, story, everything is so memorable. unforgettable. oh god you can tell how much i love this damn game can’t you

8: Best soundtrack? yakuza 0, OFF, there is a picture (another game by mortis ghost, again composed by alias conrad coldwood who also composed OFF), pigeonetics (the entire soundtrack of which is here), jojo’s bizarre adventure all star battle and eyes of heaven, silent hill 2 & 3, undertale....probably forgetting more but all of these...earcandy

11: Hardest game you’ve played? i am a shitty gamer so this is Most games i’ve played lol!! but uhh..well you see. hardest game i remember playing as of recent is pathologic classic hd in which it’s...not only hard to understand what any character is saying at any given time lol but also, i don’t think it’s HARD it’s just...you need to focus. you REALLY need to fucking focus and pay attention in this game. so i wouldn’t say its HARD, but i’m only putting this here bc it’s in recent memory.

i say recent memory because the true answer is susceptible to “yeah, but now you’re older, it must not be so hard.” as in if i played it now i think i’d have a way easier time. but when i was around....10-12 years old i had several ps3 video game adaptations of animated movies and i had SUCH a fucking hard time with them. g-force, bolt and up in particular were fucking HARD. like genuinely, the hardest time i had EVER had in my live playing video games is tied to these three fucking games. g-force and bolt ESPECIALLY. one particular level in bolt took both me AND my sister around a year to fucking finish.

again, i was baby, so i bet i’d have a much easier time with them now that i’m 17. but for now, in my experience, bolt and g-force for the ps3 were harder than pathologic classic. i think icepick lodge should take a few notes for them for pathologic 2.

13: A game you were the most excited for when it wasn’t released yet? STREETS OF KAMUROCHO...i spent the entire day of its release anticipating its launch lol

14: A game you think would be cool if it had voice acting? hmm..most games i like and know about do have voice acting so i dunno....i guess it would’ve been kind of cool if morrowind had like, full proper voice acting. but i can understand why it only voice acted things like greetings and battle insults because GOD that game is SO...complicated...and as a result, the conversations are so lengthy and text-full. playing morrowind is really like a goddamn book! if it was voice acted i’m sure all that information would have to be shortened bc i know no one is going to fucking voice act two whole paragraphs

15: Which two games do you think would make an awesome crossover? pigeonetics and yakuza in which instead of being about the criminal underworld it’s about shady and unethical pigeon clubs, breeding, racing, etc etc...a lot of illegal shit does happen in the world of pigeons especially when it comes to racing; prized racers have been kidnapped and held for ransom before. and then there’s Avian Cucking: The Sport, where people breed the sexiest pigeons (horseman thief pouters), release them outside to seduce other people’s sexy pigeons, and bring them back and keep ‘em, drama ensues. will kiryu ever escape his past as a professional pigeon-napper, and find solace in his new life as a pigeon hobbyist? find out now by playing YACOOZA......

JOKES ASIDES i don’t know i really don’t....umm, pigeonetics and animal crossing somehow?? :O... like, instead of managing your own town it’s managing your own loft!...orrrr, the jojo games (all star battle & eyes of heaven) with yakuza, because i think they’re somewhat similar because they’re both haha Wacky Silly AND serious over the top fighty-fighting.....or maybe a crossover with OFF and discover my body, which, despite being an incredibly short and obscure indie game i still love to bits for what it’s worth. WAIT ANIMAL CROSSING AND MINECRAFT THAT WOULD FUCK SO HARD OH MY GOD

16: Character you’ve hated most? From what game? i can’t think of any character i like, HATE...with a burning passion.. there are a few i dislike or have a complicated relationship with though.. i’m not interested in the series anymore but ouma from drv3...i’ll admit that he is a bit fun sometimes, especially in the very early beginning he’s a likeable brat but as the game progresses he becomes more irritating than anything and i have an issue with him in regards to writing, despite the fact that i have never been awake in any english class ever lol. it’s too long to put in this already long post but i’ll keep it at that. if you like him, well, good for you for finding joy in something i couldn’t! but he just doesn’t do it for me.

AH I JUST REMEMBERED....MINE......FROM YAKUZA 3....maybe i’d change my mind if i watched a playthrough of y3 again, because i think you always absorb something better on your second watch (tho i honestly Dont have the energy to do that all over again, the yakuza games are too fucking long), but i really hate his writing. spoilers for y3 but, i think mine’s writing, alongside other things in the game, were super messy...and a big part of why i hate him is that not only is he one of those “could’ve had great potential but fell flat” sorta guys but also his love for daigo is seen as some fans as good gay rep and i?????/.............um....WELL let’s just say that, i think people nowadays will see any gay character ever in any circumstance and say it’s good gay rep just based off the fact that A Gay Character exists....he was Not, good gay rep imo....he was not, let alone, Good. .........

17: What game do you never tell people you play? can’t think of any games i wouldn’t tell people i play.. idk exactly what this question’s asking. does it mean what game you don’t tell ppl you play bc you’re embarrassed about it...? i’m not very embarrassed by any of them. the only thing that comes close, i guess, is uhh lioden and wolvden. i’ve only interacted with those communities a LITTLE TINY WEE BIT, yet of what i’ve seen it’s a goddamn dumpster fire and i’d never want to be associated with them lol

19: Which game do you think deserves a revival? i’m well aware it’ll never happen and that it’s more a wet dream than anything but...PT/silent hills..... on a more realistic/”could happen” note, PIGEONETICS!!!! SERIOUSLY, it’s an amazing game about amazing animals and it teaches genetics in a very simplified and efficient way!! genetics is SO hard for me to understand, i fucking hated studying it but this game really helped me understand how it works AND its super engaging and interesting!! HOWEVER, of all the pigeon genes we know of, only a handful were seen in pigeonetics and i’d LOVE a sequel that employs new game mechanics AND new genes!! i wanna learn about bronze and stencil genes! i wanna learn about phenotypes like grizzled and pied!!! genes like sooty and dirty!!! @ UNIVERSITY OF UTAH GENETICS DEPARTMENT PLEASE IM BEGIGNG YOU

20: What was the first video game you ever played? earliest memories of Gaming involves me at my aunt’s house playing two games: super mario brothers and some kind of trapeze game. i don’t remember anything else though

21: How old were you when you first played a video game? i can’t remember but i must’ve been REAL tiny.... 6-9 years, maybe??

22: If you could immerse yourself in any game for one day, which game would it be? What would you do? immerse myself meaning go into their world...? huh....on one hand i’d like to go in the world of yakuza 0 to play in the arcades and do whore related activities but i’d also love to go into the world of animal crossing (and i’m pretty sure i’d be some sort of generic dromaeosaurid in that game!!) and shop, chat with villagers, do chores for them, go fishing, bug hunting, eat delicious fucking food like the apples mangos peaches cherries etc etc.....OH AND FOSSIL HUNTING THAT’S THE BEST PART!! though it would definetly be a little weird, to be a little dinosaur and finding a fossil of a...little dinosaur....i guess the non-sentient species went extinct and the dinosaur i am is some kind of, descendant of a sapient non-avian dinosaur that survived the k-pg extinction event...oh but who cares all i want is a cool little ambulocetus fossil or something. and some cherry pie :)

26: Handheld or console? my old ps3 just went kaput one day years ago so i haven’t used it in years so i can’t compare well... but i’d say handheld, because it lets me like DO stuff more...would love to get a console one day, a ps4 maybe but i’m kinda worried it’ll make me stay in one room all day wasting away my time when there’s other stuff i can do, y’know? but something handheld like my 3ds, on the other hand...i can do stuff with it. i can take it to my room and play it between breaks i take as i clean the room and fold my clothes, i can watch something on the tv and play the game during ad breaks, i can take it outside too if it has charge to last me a while! so....handheld i guess

27: Has there ever been a moment that has made you cry? yakuza 0 and undertale in particular have ALMOST made me fucking bawl with many of its moments....yakuza 0 especially, after that Fucking Ending i had trouble sleeping because oh my fucking god. video game people SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28: Which character’s clothes do you wish you owned the most?

29:  Which is more important, gameplay or story? HMMM....well, if i were to play a game with a shitty story but really good and fun gameplay i’d probably continue playing it for the gameplay. but if i played a game with shitty gameplay but an interesting story, there is a chance i’d play it more for the sake of the story but also i might just quite and see the rest of the story on youtube or something. i’m more likely to go through a boring story for fun gameplay than go through boring gameplay for an interesting story, so i guess gameplay is more important to me....that is, WHEN i actually own and play a game as opposed to when i just watch someone play a game because i don’t own the game but wanna know abt the story lol

30: A game that hasn’t been localized in your country that you think should be localized? i have no idea how video game localization really works....but i assume localizing a game in india would mean something like, removing content according to cultural norm and also somehow translating it into the 22 official languages..? or just two or three language if it’s tied to a particular state, which seems way more doable. i honestly have no idea? i’ve never interacted w the indian gaming community that much to be honest, all i know of it is of the video games i’ve seen sold in some game stores and a few whispers about like solid snake or whoever from my school’s cafeteria....the most popular games here, to my knowledge, are those very streamable games like fortnite and PUBG and your call of duties and whatnot. those generic shooters. and even then, that honestly isn’t the “indian” gaming community bc this country is so FUCKHUGE, it’s just tamil nadu. one state.

soooo, according to what little i know of gaming interests in where i live, i don’t think any of the games i like should be localized here bc i don’t really think there’s an audience for it as far as i can tell :( maybe animal crossing? it’s a fun little games for all ages and i think it has a chance of becoming popular here, so maybe that is worth a shot! but i can’t think of any other game that i like that really has an audience here (other than Me lol)

[all-hail-the-witcher]

every book i had to read for english and why i didn't like any of them

i woke up thinking about this and decided to make this post. for context, i went to public school and was on the honors/ap track for english. i am a firm believer that english teachers ruin books for their students inadvertently. this is my experience:

6th grade language arts

we read three books during 6th grade, bridge to terabithia, the cay, and where the red fern grows. and i had to read a wrinkle in time over the summer which i didn't understand like at all so I'm just gonna skip that one honors english was not a thing until 8th grade where i went to middle school so this was a regular english class and i hated it. it was also a double period class for some reason, so i had an hour and a half of language arts every day. 

it took us half the year to read bridge to terabithia. i am not kidding. that book is like maybe 100 pages and it took us a good 4-5 months. this is because our teacher stopped us every time we got to a pice of figurative language and made us analyze it. every. single. piece. i got so bored that i read ahead and then got in trouble for reading ahead. needless to say, i absolutely detested bridge to terabithia and would not touch it to this day if my life depended on it. 

after bridge to terabithia we read the cay. this took us the rest of the year. the cay is a relatively short book as well so i got bored with this one quickly as well. i really dont remember much about the discussions, but i remember a long one about how the cover was “inaccurate,” which, yes, it was but i dont know if a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds need to spend a week debating that. i think i hated it mostly because, again, we read it for 5 months. 

the last three weeks of the school year, our teacher gave us a book and said “here read this before school ends because we have to read three books a year and we only read 2″ (for context, the other language arts class had read about 5-7 books that year and found it insane that we were “still reading bridge to terabithia”) so i read where the red fern grows. all in all it wasn't a bad book, i did kind of enjoy it, but since i was rushed reading it on top of all my other homework and because it was definitely ahead of my reading comprehension level, it wasn't my favorite.

7th grade language arts

now, a bit of a disclaimer here, this was the year that i was in language arts with the guy i had a crush on and one of my close friends at the time. so, i didn't really pay that much attention to begin with. we read quite a few books in this class, but I'm not sure if i remember all of them. again, this was a double period. 

i think the first book we read was freak the mighty. i remember not liking this book because i felt like i was missing something. there was definitely some kind of metaphor or something in there that i was supposed to get but because i was literally twelve i didn't get it and i didn't find the meaning in it. theres nothing more frustrating than reading a book that you dont understand.

after that I'm pretty sure we read the wave. it was explained to us that the wave is supposed to symbolize how the n*zis came to power and all that stuff, and while we all knew this, i dont think we really Understood it. (probably because we were 12). we all kinda saw it as a joke and thought it was funny. i think that if i read it now i would be like. “well shit this is really interesting” but 12 year old me wanted to make fun of it with the rest of my class. 

i think we read seed folks next. this was another book that just went over all of our heads. its about how a garden changes a whole bunch of peoples lives which is like, super interesting. but none of us got it and were like “lol this is stupid” so much so that we actually stopped reading it. like my teacher stopped having us read it.

I'm fairly certain the last book we read was the miracle worker. a lot of us had had to read parts of it before that class so we were all kinda familiar with it already. i vaguely remember some kind of obnoxious class joke about the book that was probably rude. i remember finding it interesting, but there were so many activities we did about the book that i lost interest. 

8th grade honors reading

this class was A Trip. i liked the teacher, but she was a little out there. its unclear whether she got fired or just didn't come back after that year. i had a lot of fun in her class but it was usually because we all bonded over hating the assigned reading.

i dont remember what order we read the books in and i dont remember if this was all of them, but to the best of my recollection this is what we read

we definitely read romeo and juliet. by the time you're in 8th grade, everyone knows the story of romeo and juliet, so it wasn't like that suspenseful or a surprise or anything. but we had to act the reading out. yes we had to act out romeo and juliet. with burger king crowns. and wrapping paper swords. clearly the teacher was trying to have fun with us, and it was fun fun for awhile but it got old. especially when you got participation points taken off your grade if you didn't read for once of the characters (which is massively unfair because not everyone wants to get up in front of a class in a paper crown holding a wrapping paper tube and read in old english when you're 13 but whatever). 

we also definitely read animal farm. it was another book that went right over our heads (or, mine at least). i didn't actually really understand it until i had to read the communist manifesto for ap euro senior year. and our teacher talked in a bad russain accent the entire time? i could barely keep the characters straight, let alone analyze the underlying message and all that. now i might actually like it since I'm a history major and have a decent background on the russian revolution, but at 13? no thanks.

the one book that everyone hated (including the teacher herself) was farewell to manzanar. it was a memoir about a young girl growing up in the japanese internment camps and looking back on her life and stuff like that. the story itself was very interesting and we all learned a lot from it. but the person who wrote it did not know how to write. it was confusing, some chapters made no sense, and none of us generally knew what was going on. we had to finish the book because we were the honors class, but the regular class got to stop after chapter 6. 

i think we only read 4 books that year and the fourth one was the outsiders. this was one of two books that i actually liked the entirely of my public school education. i kinda vibed with it when we were reading it and then i vibes with it more once i got to high school and rediscovered it. it was just a good book, pretty solid, good themes, fantastic. 

9th grade honors english

i absolutely hated this class. hands down the worst teacher i ever had. she was one of those that should have retired 20 years ago but was still teaching for some reason. and she hated kids. legitimately. that was the first time i got a c and it took my parents a long time to realize that it wasn't because of me, it was because the teacher was absolute shit. the only thing that made that class bearable was the fact that my friend was in there and so was this guy that totally like her so he would flirt with her pretty incessantly and it was Hilarious. 

we read so many books that year and i hated all of them. a lot of them were like greek dramas and plays? like we read oedipus rex and julius caesar and antigone. and i hated all of them because the teacher made me hate reading and made it seem like a chore. 

by far the worst was the old man and the sea. i hated that book, hemingway was terrible. i struggled to find any kind of meaning in it and connected all of my responses to the bible because my teacher loved it when people did that.

we read inherit the wind and to kill a mockingbird and all quiet on the western front which were the only books i found remotely interesting. but i still hated them because i knew that we would have to do her reading quizzes which were impossible so it was pointless to read the book anyway. 

and we also read a raisin in the sun. i dont remember what this was even about except that there was some kind of insurance money involved. but by this point we were all really done with our teachers shit and my one friend legitimately said during class “but, ms. [name] if you put a raisin in the sun, doesn't it just get more raisiny?”

10th grade ap english language and composition (american lit)

i loved this class and the teacher but i hated all the assigned reading because we read it for the ap test. everything you read was in the context of having to find themes and shit to write about on the ap. so i didn't really get any of the books for that reason. i think we only read three and they were the scarlet letter, the crucible, and the great gatsby. i kind wish i paid more attention to gatsby and i think i would like it more now but at the time i detested it. we also had to read grapes of wrath over the summer and i hated that. i wanna read books to read them, not to come into school and write essays on them. also the ending was weird and i hated it.

11th grade honors (british lit)

another bad year of english, not quite as bad as freshman year, but still bad. still hated it. i outlined many fics in that class. the teacher did not like me and i did not like her. she also talked in this weird fake almost british but not quite accent that sometimes still haunts my nightmares. she was also one of those backwards feminists who claims they're a feminist but still was sexist in her favorites and the way that she treated people in the class?? after english i had math and my friend (the same girl who said the thing about raisins freshman year) and some others would complain to our math teacher about our english teacher. math was essentially a support group for english where we would discuss answers to reading checks. 

over the summer we read 1984, which, cool concept (esp right now) but i hated knowing that i had to find some kind of deep meaning in it because i was going to have to write an essay on it as soon as i came back to school.

from there i think we read beowulf which was interesting. i dont know if we actually read the whole thing or just excerpts but again, i hated looking for meaning.

we read a tale of two cities which was like the one book i actually wanted to read because i am a huge fan of the shadow hunters book serieses and will and tessa quote that book all the time. i think if i had read it to read it it would have been better but first, dickens is wordy and weird and second i dont really wanna have to search out symbolism while I'm reading because its required.

we read macbeth, which i just didn't like. idk why. i just kinda thought it was stupid. i dont really have an explanation for this one. i think it was because we read it in the old english and that confused me a lot of the time.

and we read jane eyre. the only thing i remember from jane eyre was “pathetic fallacy” which is where the mood of the scene is reflected in the weather. i dont wanna dissect a book like that. and also my teacher referred to the book as “jane” but she said it “jAAYYneeE” which was annoying. 

12th grade ap lit

dear god. this class. i had issues with this class. our teacher was something. everyone was afraid of him. e v e r y o n e. he ran detention and didn't know how to match his clothes and wore skinny ties. he had three swell bottles the he would bring with him to school every day. people claimed he used to be in a rock band and that was why his voice was so high pitched and weird. some said his wife left him, others said he had a kid. we were genuinely confused by him. he didn't teach, he yelled at you for doing things wrong without giving any instructions on how he actually wanted it done. he made college out to be some big scary thing where we would all be trampled. but mostly, he was an existentialist. 

we had to read song of solomon over the summer. i hated it. i didn't hate it because of the messages and all that stuff, no the book itself was good and toni morrison is a great author. i just hated the fact that there was graphic description of incest, necrophilia, or sex at least once every 5-10 pages. i didn't wanna read that. and it turned me off the book. so when he asked us if we liked the book when the year started i said no and i argued with him about it. and he hated me for the entire year. 

next i think we read waiting for godot. which was absolutely terrible. its literally a play where nothing happens. it would have been funny except that i knew i was gonna have to write an essay on it. how do you write an essay on a play where nothing happens? literally all of our discussions about it were about existentialism and it was terrible. 

we read the metamorphosis, which everyone hated cause it could have been written in like 4 sentences. and our teacher thought he was So Clever for assigning it to us. he thought it was the biggest joke. and he went on and on about how its about existentialism and blah blah. the book would have been funny had he not only discussed it in regards to existentialism. 

i think next was hamlet. i would have like hamlet had we not discussed it only through the lens of existentialism. its a good play, but i hated it because of the way he talked about it. even now, i only like it to make fun of the way he liked it. my friend and i send hamlet memes to each other all the time but only cause they remind us of our teacher.

one flew over the cuckoos nest. the second and final book that i actually liked my entirety of school. i dont know why i liked it, but it was just a good book. our teacher also had some kind of weird cowboy trope thing that he thought mcmurphy fell under which i thought was hilarious. the essay i wrote on that book was the only one he wrote “nice job” on and i still have it somewhere

my friend claims that we also read the stranger. i dont really remember what that book was about except some guy shot some people. there was definitely something in it that i didnt get. 

anyway in conclusion required reading ruins books. when i told my creative writing advisor that i out of all the books i read for school i only like the outsiders and one flew over the cuckoos nest she was like “yeah, english teachers really ruin books for students”

[charmed-asylum]

The Partners

The Partners, part one 

Summary: Finn Cox had everything boy would ever dream of a hot cheerleader girlfriend, loved by everyone, and caption of his hockey team. So why is since Camille Dawson step into his life he starts to have second thoughts about everything

FYI: This part was over 15,000 words so it is gonna be split into two. Something I will like to thank lack of sleep, energy drinks, and a KILLER PLAYLIST. Also if you wanna chat let's chat you wanna say how bad it is well let me know you wannabe tag let me know

tagged:   @weapinggwillowss​ @nottherightseason​ @strangerfictions​  @thewolfswriting​ @hauntors 

                                             2015

I look out again to the street, what to say. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA SAY. Maybe that’s my problem. YOU GOTTA SAY SOMETHING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Let me be clear. Be honest with me and with you. This isn’t gonna be that moment I run out in the rain and throw some shit around and she comes running. No. Maybe if I wasn’t such an ass and didn’t hurt her again. How stupid can I be to do that, again? This isn’t some love story some yuppy bull shit story. Life never like that. Two people didn’t just meet and then it was happy ever after. No, it wasn’t like that. Maybe this is the reason why. Perhaps it’s things like that have people disappointed. Because the reality isn’t like that. At the end of the day, people only dream and wish that they at least have a moment like this. And for some that moment last a lifetime. I look back into the rearview mirror and imagine you that first day. That was when that moment started for us, 4-period Sociology.

2011

He walked into the school with a sense of pride. Everyone gosh over and even ivy him. All the boys wanted to either be friends or be him and the girls well almost all of them wanted him and the ones that didn’t choose him as there passed. He was immune to it all. Yeah, he enjoyed the attention but it felt safe normal. People around the school called him Trophy Boy. Another thing that didn’t faze him. They all love and knew Finn.

The teacher, young long strawberry red hair freckles and green eyes, came in right after the bell. She was in a rush as her skirt wasn't in the right direction. She looked at the class and wrote her name, Ms. Milton. Finn looks at her as she calls out everyone's name. He glances at his side. His boys were sleeping of course. Trying to catch up from last night's party. Then he turned back to his estranged girlfriend, Nikkei who was texting whoever. " Ok class. So because your teacher left for maturity. I will be taking over. The rest of the semester. I calculated all she has done and the rest will be easy and fun but only if you work hard" Ms. Milton started to say.

He could not even think about class his mind was way too busy thinking about practice and making out with Nikkei later. " Lastly before the bell rings. I believe in teaching and testing a person different. For the last couple of weeks, I ask you to come to see me and do a questionnaire which I then decided to make groups of two. You and your partner would do a project for the end of our weeks together. Based on what you learn in the class. It simple paper which one could do. Then a presentation. This whole thing would be worth a good 50% of your grade" Ms. Milton says. She started to read the names of the partners.

He leans back and looks at the ceiling while reading the list." Last but not least this one I really can't wait to see. Uh, Finn Cox and Camille Dawson" she said looking around the class for the two. Finn was confused and caught off guard. He looked around to figure who his partner was. The name why did it sound so familiar. Then there it was the look. There she was sitting in front of the classroom. Staring right at him with her dark brown Bambi eyes. As if she was in a trance. The bell rings but she didn't move. Finn looks away then glanced back. She was by the teacher now. Talking. Finn quickly got his stuff and went. He stops before leaving and glance back to her. She was about five two flat and baggy clothes. That was two sizes big. Complaining trying to get out of it. No, the teacher said. Camille shook her head yes and walk right past him. He could not figure out why he knew her name. Why it felt so familiar.

Sitting on the cafeteria table with Nikkei between his legs. He looks at her. " Remember class. How Milton was all hyper and shit. Do you know anything about my partner, Camille" he said looking at her. Nikkei smile and started to laugh. " That loser. The mute teacher pet wet dream" she said polishing her nails. Kevin sitting across from Nikkei's smile. " I had her in my math class last year when she came here. She is smart. Got me a B+. I would have probably got an A but I kept using my homework for paper for my weed. And I heard that once during gym class. A couple of guys saw her in her bathing suit. Man" he says holding his hands up to pretend to be a pair of boobs. Finn shakes his head in disbelief. Her name. He knew he was missing something but what.

By the time he got home, his dad was in the living room watching college sports drinking bud light. " Finn your home" a voice said from the kitchen. Finn smiles and goes towards the kitchen. A woman in her early forties with shoulder-length brown hair stood by the kitchen counter cutting up potatoes. He came in and kiss her on the check. " What up mom" he says grabbing some potato chips. She smiled and mess up his hair. " You know I don't even like that question. Taking it day by day" she said drinking some tea. He looks at her. " School was good. That's what you're wondering right  Or that practice was the same. Coach up my grill about being a better leader. Then put me on ice when I do what he asked. Oh yeah, some teachers gave me some big project worth 50% ma. With a ghostwriter as a partner", he said eating an apple. She smiled. She always wanted better for him especially a better girlfriend. After a little bit of time pass, he went to his room passing his dad still sitting down watching sports. With one thing now on his mind who is Camille.

Days past and still she was on his mind. Like a bad itch, he could not get rid of. They would be in class and she would be there but he wouldn’t. He would just look at her. Watch her talk just examine everything she did. The times when she knew something smart and she would smile to herself and move hair behind her ear. Even if there wasn't anything.

" Finn. Are you listening to me? It's been days and you just do nothing. What you on something" Nikkei says lending on his lap. He looks at her. He was outside his house on the grass. Smiling at her he says " Nothing. Just thinking. Mom not doing well. Just thinking". She rolls her eyes and looks at her phone. " So you're going to the party tomorrow right. I need you to come or I just look like a tease, Finn" she says looking at her makeup.

She was always about appearance the outer shell. He could never truly care about those things. The social system wasn't made by him. He was there and an active player. Was that what had him interested in her. She was as mysterious as a clear fog. She was part of this social system but she never allows that to make her. She did as she pleases and never mind a thing. Her group section table. But in reality, it wasn't just that.

She was by his locker in the boy's room. Standing there trying not to look at the guys walking around nude ignoring her. Finn smiled to himself as she stood there. She was dress differently than the other days plan black converse with big sweater black legs and her hair curly in a messy bun. Just waiting. He could not remember what they talk about though. She always had that effect. Most times he would just pretend to listen but it was like she was talking in English but he could only hear Korean. The short brief chat. Most he could get out of it was her apologize for being her. Him saying nothing. Of course. Meeting times. Then the number. She gave him her number. Then lastly the party. And just like that, she left. Mysterious.

Finn arrived at the party late. He felt out of place but still, he decided to go. He needed this party. Anyway, it was now more of a celebration of his latest win game he had. The idea of everything drifts off as the liquor and drugs settle in. He was finally his old self. Not a perfect child student and the obsessive of a ghost he was afraid he might become. Laying back he watches Nikkei dance with a few guys. He slowly fell into a high. " Yo Finn look at who here to see you. Looks like you got a stalker" a voice says. Finn opens his eyes time has passed. Nikkei was gone and he was chilling on the floor by people hanging. Getting up he walks over the balcony. It was her.

Out of her limit or comfort zone. Finn watches her. Looking around for him before he called for her. Again those brown eyes. She didn’t say a word but her eyes said it all" Surprise to see you here. Thought you be at some library" he said watching her walking closer to him. Trying to break the ice. Still, her eyes were on him. She didn't answer him. Those eyes. She paid him no mind and went to her bag to take out a pad and pen. Looking up to him not paying attention to what he said" Actually it took an hour of my Friday looking for the right house. Maybe playing loud music and having people trash outside could not have made it less noticeable" she stops and grabs out a tissue trying not to get a contact high " Anyway. If I have to do this to try to get you to work then so be it. Paper easy. I can do that all by myself but" she started to say. Finn cut her off." Look I know you're kinda weird and stuff but it's your kinda not invited. It's not for stalkers" he said scratching his nose still a little drunk. He could feel the frustration from her chest. She looks around trying to adjust what he said then look at him. Her eyes. Shaking her head she gets up. "I have better things to do too. You know what. I won't talk to a child. I was brought up not to judge people. At less not there face. Or the word from some twit. I... Drink this sober up and read the paper" she said then starts to walk away then she stops. She turned back around to him and got close, those eyes. " If you ever wanted to know who I was. Who I am. You could of ask instead of being the stalker yourself" she said then starts to walk away. And just like that, he felt the heavy load of crap. Stupid he thought to himself. Again he was hooked. He grabs at the paper, a bottle of water, and went to look for Nikkei.

When he finally found her she talking to some guy. She was laughing as the person she was talking to was her boyfriend and he was the watcher. He could hear himself arguing with her but he couldn't move. Anger rage full his body. He rushes over and punches the guy across the face. With blood on his hand, he got up and walked away. The Finn that keeps people talking to know not to mess with.

After that Friday night. She stopped talking to him. She even got it that the work she did was given to him by the teacher. He felt awful, no worst. What did she do? Nothing. He worried about her. I worried about the rumors that were going around. Worried if he was the cause of it. What if flowing around in his head. He tried every way to talk to her. Her locker making up a fake announcement. Nothing work.

After class, he decided to follow her around maybe find a way in. Somewhere she could not leave ignore him. After some snooping around some people informed him of one thing. One place he thought he would never go. He walked over to the guidance office. Last chance he thought to himself. Walking in was like walking around a library nude everyone's eyes was on you. He walked into the conference room. People were all sitting in a circle talking. She was there in the center listening. He slowly sat in the back. "So Camille. How did your assignment go a couple of weeks ago? Did it work? Were you able to interact with the partner" the guidance counselor said looking at her. She glanced at him. As if they were the only two that knew a big secret. Rubbing her hands on her knees. She looks around the group. " Well, when I got the assignment. I thought this can be my chance for trying to talk interact with others. Someone out of here. Of course. Try to get better. But all I realized is I was right with staying to myself. I did as you told me and went to the party. He was drunk. After a disagreement we had. I started to go. His friends were downstairs laughing at me. Chanting mean things then started pushing me around. Tugging at my clothes. Some even threw drinks at me. I was able to make it out but my phone died. I had to walk four miles home. All the time thinking. I tried. And this happened" she said still looking at him. He could feel her frustration. She leans back. Still her eyes on him. " Before you ask. No, it was the name-calling. Harassment. Even my phone died. What not that bugs me. Upset me. It never does. Or the fact this guy I never talk to calling me things. That is not true. But that I was able to move past it with no emotions. Numb to it. As an outsider, you see things the truth barefoot true. I still want to try thou again for my family and you guys" she said finally looking away. He was speechless. One girl looks at her. " What about for yourself" the girl asked. She looks at the ground then at him. " We see" she said. Everyone looks at him. Silence a few whispers. It was the first time they realize an uninvited stranger was listening in. She smiled. " But that what I said about gym class. Ms. Tyler, it's time" she said getting up looking around. Ms. Tyler rushes up from that deep story. They all hold hands together and pray.

He waited outside by the door for her. He didn't know what to do but he was running low on ideas. " Lost someone"a voice said from behind him. He turned around to see her standing there holding tight to her books. " Huh" he said surprised by the comment. She tilts her head and smiles. " Our group is for people that had lost someone. A tragic, broken heart, and so on. Some are lucky. The only person they lost is themselves" she said with a frown. He shocked his head. " I want to see you. Well, we saw each other in class but alone. I was an ass that Friday. Hate myself for what I did. I guess... I was just making sure we are still partners and say I'm sorry" he said looking away from her. He could not see her but he could feel the nod. " I lied in there. Finn. I lied. What you did hurt. We are told to treat others away we want to be treated. Give respect but you just... I forgive you. But this won't fix it. Thanks for following me to my locker reading the club board. I can see your effort. Just like how I did with you. I bet you didn't even read my paper. I gave you" she said and walk away. He stood there stunned by her comeback. She was right. He didn't try that much. He was more worried about the grade, not her.

Finn sat on the floor he pulled out the essay she wrote and started to read it. It was good no perfect. Stupid  Rushing back into the office. Ms. Tyler was still packing up her things. " Hi. Ms. Tyler. I was wondering if I can ask you something" he asked. She looks up at him. Her glass almost off her nose. " Yes. Mr. Cox. What is it today" she said. He looks down at the paper then at her. " Camille gave me her address but it is missing a house number. Can you give me her address, please? It's important" he said. It took a few more minutes of begging and sweet talk but he got it. His last try and this time it was all or nothing. 

[hoewkeyesblue]

Lego House

Requests: “richie tozier? like he gets hat or something in high school and she doesn't think he likes her back cause he can literally get any girl but like fluff at the end and they end up together” by anon “richie x reader cuddlinggg” by anon and “cuddling w richie after he fights w his parents?” by anon

Pairing: Richie Tozier x reader

Summary: Richie used to be your best friend, but you couldn’t stand it anymore after you fell in love with him. Richie, otherwise, lives with his own demons.

Word count: 1.8K (what the fuckkkkk i made it!!!)

Warnings: slightly angst.

Song: Lego House — Ed Sheeran. (So, probably none of you realized that all my stories has songs as titles. These songs I use are really important to understand the story better, things I didn’t wrote and want you to see).

A/N: I don’t even know what to say. This is my first ever story (writing in english) with 1000+. I just loved everything about it and hope you like it as much as I do.

ALSO, I‘LL PUT THE “READ MORE” TOMORROW BECAUSE I’M NOT WITH MY COMPUTER RIGHT NOW.

— Tagging @marvelismylifffe

It was hard.

Exams, extracurricular activities, family issues and, of course, him. Richard (“you can call me Richie, you know”, he likes to say) Tozier. Richie and his messy curls. Richie and his sarcastic and lovely smile. Richie and his glasses — when he didn’t bother to put his lens on.

Damn it, Richie Tozier.

It was so fucking hard. Trying to survive high school with all those factors.

Damn it, high school.

Damnit, damnit, damnit.

“Y/N?” you heard Selena’s calm voice shouting you out and looked up at her. “Earth’s calling. Let’s go to class”, she said and you bit your lower lip.

You quickly walked to your class, don’t looking twice at Richie sitting on one of the desks with some of his girl friends. Swallowing unnecessarily, you almost ran to your desk and sat down.

Damn it, Richie Tozier.

Mrs. Lockhart walked into the classroom; she was the chemistry’s teacher and you couldn’t say she was a bitch or whatever. Amanda Lockhart was a very nice professor and everyone loved her.

Richie looked up at her, smiled and then took a few steps to sit by your side — every student had a preset place to sit in every class. It wasn’t a way to stop students to chat - everyone knew it wouldn’t happen - but a way to increase the work; if a teacher noticed that two people were working good together, they would demand them to sit side by side.

You and Richie were friends and kinda nerds; you just worked really well together and that’s the only reason why he sits with you — or that’s what you think.

“Sup, Y/N/N?”, he shouted and you sat down, licking your lips. You just couldn’t deal with him right now, not after seeing him flirting with two girls at the same time.

You know how dumb it seems, but Richie Tozier is constantly hurting you without even knowing it.

Damn it, Richie Tozier.

“Hey, Richie”, you replied, avoiding eye contact.

“Woah, calling me Richie. Something must be fucking wrong”, he noticed and you rolled your eyes, biting your lower lip to prevent a smile.

“I’m just tired, Tozier. Now pay attention and give me a rest”, you sneered.

“Y/N Y/L/N is asking me to give her a rest, ladies and gentlemen!”, Richie announced and you couldn’t contain your laugh.

“Shut up, dumbass”, you laughed.

After that, you tried to ignore him for the rest of the class but it obviously didn’t work. It wasn’t the first time you felt bad for being in love with him and certainly wasn’t the first time you tried to forget about his existence.

“I know nothing about this subject, for fucks sake!”

Richie complained about the same thing for 1 hour straight, glancing you looks through intervals of two minutes or less.

“Oh, God, Richard!”, you finally said when the bell rang. “I’ll teach you, stop being so annoying”, you begged and he faked an outraged expression.

“I’m not annoying!”, he laughed.

“Of course you aren’t”, you mocked as you left the classroom, but your smile faded when Richie placed his arms around your waist.

No, it wasn’t a bad thing. Of course it wasn’t.

You just... fuck. You felt your heart thumping and your knees weakening. You couldn’t stop yourself of imagining you and Richie dating; him being in love with you too, you being able to kiss him and pet his hair every time you wanted to, without feeling embarrassed about it.

“So... you coming to my house later?”, he asked as you stopped by your locker.

“Yeah, of course. At 8’?”

“Whenever you want, Y/N/N”, the tall boy winked at you, making you roll your eyes. “But seriously, thank you for helping me”, and then you felt Richie’s lips on your cheek before he walked away.

Damn it, Richie Tozier.

———

Richie was yelling in one of his voices while fighting with his parents, you heard. Freezing and holding your breath, you turned around to get away from there.

You couldn’t put yourself into Tozier’s business and definitely didn’t want to bother Richie; he was going through something and probably didn’t want to deal with you — and chemistry — right now.

“Where ya going?”, his raspy voice echoed behind you and you slowly turned back to face him.

You didn’t hear the yells stopping and the door opening. It was always like that; being concerned, then stressed and anxious, and then disoriented. The rest of world faded and all you could feel was your heart in your throat, choking you and making it hard to breath.

“Oh, hey, Richard!”, you forced a smile, trying to sound the most natural as possible. “I was... uh...”

“Never mind, come in”, Richie invited and you froze again, not knowing what you should do. “Y/N?”, he insisted in a soothing tone.

You nodded, looking around before entering his house. Richie placed his arms around your shoulders, guiding you straight to his room; as soon as both of you entered, Richie walked to his wardrobe and took a vodka bottle out of it.

“Richard, what the hell!”, your heart wrenched. “Put it down, you’re seventeen and-“

“Cut it. It’s not like we never got drunk before,” he answered as he opened the bottle, getting ready to drink.

“Oh, for fucks sake, how about NO?”, you hissed and lurched to him, taking the bottle off his hands. “You’re going to sit and calm the fuck down. We’re not drinking to forget about our problems, Richard Tozier!”, you stated and growled when he rolled his eyes.

Trying to calm yourself, you took a long breath and asked in a soft tone: “What happened, Rich?”

“Oh, please... don’t bring it right now. I don’t need my parents bullshit right now. I wanna be in peace, for fucks sake. I want to have a cool, fun night. I want to forget everything”, Richie begged.

You reflected for a few seconds, don’t wanting to see him in pain or in agony or whatever was bothering him. You observed Richie siting in his bed and, cautiously, you minced to him, stopping in front of the curly-haired boy.

“Do you wanna study?”, you asked uncertainly.

“Nah. Not really”, he looked up to you. You found yourself admiring his freckles and tried to push that away.

“What do you wanna do, then?”

“I- can we just talk? About life, whatever, just like we used to do...”, your heart weeped as he placed his arms around you, pulling you closer. “You walked away, you know? I don’t think you’ve realized... but one day you were there with me and the other day... you wasn’t.”

“Richie, I-“

“You what? What the fuck happened?”

“I just thought I wasn’t that important anymore. You grew up, made great and popular friends... and I’m still the same”, oh, and of course, I fell in love with you, you’ve finished the sentence in your thoughts.

Richie laughed hysterically and you would step back if his arms weren’t around you. “Are you kidding, right? I don’t believe it, Y/N. I know you too well. You wouldn’t step off if there wasn’t a real reason. Spill it already”, he demanded.

“I don’t want to”, you whispered, making Richie sighs in frustration. “Can we just... talk about life? It’s hard to me to see your eyes like that...”.

“Like what?”, he asked with a sad smile.

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about it”, you smiled softly. “But... I like the way your eyes glow, always full with excitement or happiness and things I know I could never understand, almost as they’re...”, you stopped to think, your hands now on his cheeks.

“Haunted”, Richie completed but didn’t wait for your response. “How my eyes are now?”

“They’re... glowing, as always, but also... sad, dark”, you finally said. “Maybe there’s something else, but I can’t read you right now, Richie. It’s hard to understand what’s happening.”

He didn’t answer; the curly boy was looking at you with full admiration, almost hypnotized.

“May I kiss you?”, he asked and you froze.

“What?”, your voice failed, but he just placed his hand on your neck and pulled you closer, kissing you softly.

Warmth spread through you and you felt your knees weakening, but kissed him back. Your hand searched for his hair and started petting it, feeling his taste in your mouth.

Unfortunately, the air made itself necessary and Richie parted the touch.

“I’ve always wanted to do this”, he whispered to himself and you blinked, confused.

“Always- what?”

“Did I say it out loud?”, he moaned.

“Yeah, you did. What the fuck, Richard!”, you yelled, almost punching him in the face. “Why didn’t you tell me this before, you asshole?”

“Because- what! Because you walked away!”

“I walked away because I fell in love with you, you big douche!”, you whimpered and he stared at you with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

“So- do you want to be my girlfriend or something? That’s it?”, he was shocked.

“Yeah, Richard, I want to be your girlfriend or something. Are you asking me to or...?”

“Maybe I am”, he smirked.

“In that case... maybe I am saying yes to that”, you smiled.

You heard a door slamming outside Richie’s room. You screamed and Richie chuckled for a few seconds before closing his eyes; it was one of his parents and, again, he was in suffer.

“Hey, do you still want to talk about life?”, you tried to distract him.

“With you? Always”, and then he laid on his bed. “Come here?”, he asked and you didn’t think twice; crawled into his bed and laid by his side. Richie placed his arms around your waist, hugging you from behind. “That’s what I meant when I said a perfect night”, he said in a casual tone.

“Can I ask you something?”, you said after long minutes cuddling with him and he just mumbled something you took as a yes. “I was wondering... why you never used one of your voices with me?”

Richie spent almost five minutes quiet and you thought he fell asleep but, all of sudden, he replied:

“Sometimes I use my voices to hide myself. I’m sad, scared, trying to fit in? I’ll use them, I’ll try to be other person and, in that way, the reasons I get sad for doesn’t exist anymore. The same for everything that scares me”, he explained. “I became indestructible and... with you, I don’t need to be anyone else. I feel safe being myself because you give me confidence enough for that”, he finished and you couldn’t help but smile.

That was a question that have always bothered you, but when he explained you felt a hundred times better.

“Rich?”, you whispered. “You are indestructible with or without your voices. That’s one of the things I love about you.”

“Love you, Y/N. A lot.”

Damn it, Richie Tozier.

———

Requests rules here.

[tracyk13]

36 and what a world I have seen

Honestly I’ve been terrible at journalling lately. Love handwriting in quill and ink style, but my current life leaves me exhausted after work and most of my time spent in education. But currently the Covid-19 pandemic made me consider the important world events I have witnessed. 

Born in 1984 I lived in a world of rapidly changing technology but still being forced outside to play. We always had an Apple computer in our house for as long as I can remember. Played the Oregon Trail in black and white, then in color. That was the standard computer game of my childhood. Mom got us Mario Teaches Typing, probably the only “video game” I ever played at that point. AOL was a thing. All those CDs in the mail with updates. I never really got into it, but my twin sister did.

Also a child of the Disney Golden Age of animation. Dramatically influenced my life to the point I went to work for Walt Disney World after college. Still a Disney fanatic to this day. 

Apparently my family visited Yellowstone National park (age 4? too young to remember anyway) then not too long after the park had the fire. 

Was alive though not conscious of world events when the Berlin Wall fell. Watch the birth of CNN during the first Desert Storm when my dad was there overseeing some of the first drone flights. The military required a pilot on hand for those flights. He told us later how some Iraqis would surrender to the drone plane, not that it was ever one of the ones he supervised. And according to my mom I frequently asked to NOT watch the 24 hour stream of news because it was too depressing and I knew that’s where dad was. 

Really started to pay attention to news (not that l enjoyed it but that’s the timeline for how chidden develop) during the O.J. Simpson trial. 

By that point I had lived on both coasts of the USA, crossed country twice, lived in many different environments from Washington’s cold wet seasons to California’s deserts California’s coast to landlocked suburbia of Georgia. 

Where I learned to drive, had a single Nokia phone for me and my twin in our tiny Cabrio convertible (I hate convertibles). Got a personal computer for the first time, where before it was a single family computer. The iMacs were coming out right when we were heading to college. My sister got the desktop, I got the laptop and have never looked back. Still have my gumstick shuffle iPod floating around and it still works.

Got to watch the insanity of Indecision 2000 and appreciate political humor for the first time.

I’ve been to 9 different schools for 12 years of school, not including college. That would make it ten. Was a freshman in high school when the Columbine shootings happened. Some weeks later we had a pipe bomb threat at our school which forced all the students out to the football field. From the top of the bleachers we could see the bomb squad and their dogs entering the school. All I could think of was if someone really wanted to kill at lot of people, there on the bleachers would be the place to do it. Then at some point in my adult life someone did it at a movie theater showing The Dark Knight. 

Saw the images of the Oklahoma City bombing. Heard about the Unabomber. Watched the Waco Texas incident.

But my senior year was the time of 9/11. My math class was out in the hallway doing a math related science type experiment, can’t tell you what it was. But that day was the only day I have ever heard a school of nearly 5,000 students absolutely silent during class change. Thus Desert Storm part two happened. 

Right before I headed off to college. So I wasn’t super savvy about applying to colleges. I only applied to one. Didn’t have a clue as to what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve done a wide variety of sports, been writing fiction since at least 10 years old, drew and painted fairly well, thought about doing animation or architecture (did a semester learning thing with a local firm, decided it wasn’t for me). 

Ended up getting a degree in two foreign languages but not fluent in either. It did greatly improve my understanding of the English language. And I had the privilege of an exchange program for a school year to Japan, plus of study abroad summer to Germany. Would never regret any of that. Even if it didn’t get me a degree that got me a job. 

Instead I went to Disney World as part of their internship program. Been in foods and hospitality for a significant portion of my life (thus far). Loved working there. Got to work with the Characters and it was fabulous. Even with the frustrations of all work environments. 

But it couldn’t last. Minimum wage was raised, but the cost of living out stripped the earnings for a single person living alone. Prompting a move back home with parents to get another degree. Then the Housing bubble burst, loans defaulted, mortgage crisis, resulting in the Great Recession. It did get me a house in my name but basically an income property for my mom as her inheritance from my grandmother. All the while I’m going to school to be a nurse.

Now let’s not forget about the many weather crises I’ve witnessed via the news. Hurricanes Katrina, Sandy, Harvey, Maria to name the ones I easily remember. The Class 5 tornado that wiped out a midwestern town. The volcano in Iceland rerouting planes. The tsunami in Indonesia and Sumatra. The massive earthquake in Haiti. These are only the ones that easily come to mind without researching what happened during the years I’ve been alive.

Not to mention the diseases that I’ve seen via the news. First to mind was the Ebola outbreak while I was in nursing school. Saw the hype on the Swine Flue, SARS, Avian flu to name a few easily remembered. Those never reached me personally. Now it’s Covid-19 unfolding. Called SARS-CoV-19 now, but that later.

But its not all disasters. Went to the Atlanta Centennial Olympics still have the t-shirt. Was alive during the first black president. 

Took part in the massive phenomena that was Harry Potter and still love it to this day. It showed me that fiction/fantasy could be a mainstream genre to write for. I started writing FanFiction at that time to fill in the long spaces between books. Started when fan fiction.net had the 7or 8 main characters to choose from for tagging. It was like the Wild West of figuring out what you were about to read. Learned about Slash, yaoi, lemons and such the hard way. But being exposed to it that way did open my eyes to what goes on in other people’s heads. Knew immediately that just because I didn’t like something didn't mean I had to hate on it. I left it alone once found and kept going. Really helped increase my tolerance to other cultures and thoughts.

Met my best friend on a role playing site and we wrote nonstop during our college years. Went to her wedding, have a lovely Renaissance style dress as a bridesmaid gift. Still am in touch with her. We don’t write together any more as we have moved in our lives with adulting. But I still have all those stories and hope to turn them into something.

Had my first camera cell phone in Japan as just a basic free phone. Was shocked to find cameras in the States were not standard. One of my friends in Japan kept doing selfies before they were called selfies. Blind positioning of the camera for pictures. Then came the iPhone and the world never looked back.

Joined Facebook when it required a college email. Used MSN messenger and Yahoo messenger to communicate with people around the world. Didn’t join the Twitter or Tumblr movement until after they became established. Saw the boom and bust of the Dot.Com bubble. Watched the Dow Jones numbers increase without the income to invest the way they said to.

Lived right above the poverty line during the Recession. Not knowing if I could make it the next month. Never being able to claim poverty on the tax forms. Caught in the income dead space of not being able to afford health insurance from the markets but in a state that didn’t allow for Medicaid expansion.

But I do not have the worry now thankfully. 

Jobs wise I’ve been a telemarketer, dishwasher, a line cook, a hostess, server, janitor, assistant manager, and now I’m a nurse. I started on med/surg, ED, Cardiac, and ICU. In a small rural hospital getting smaller in a time when rural were shutting down because of no funding. They serve areas with a high rates of unemployment, uninsured, drug and alcohol abuse.

Worked at a busier hospital were no bed was left empty. Sicker patients. Work in a mid-size place. Some days super busy, some slower. 

Covid-19 had the affect of somehow doing both. First few days was almost empty, now it fluctuates. Mostly rule outs. And the protocols are changing hourly which makes life frustrating for us. It’s the constant unspoken threat of going into work not knowing if you’ll have the right equipment to do the job. I’m not scared of the virus itself, not even of the collapse of the economy. I’m scared of the surge that will put my coworkers at risk.

I live alone (my little sister lives with me now) so very little contact with others. But they have kids and a much closer physical distance to their older parents. I know I will add days to my weeks if they have to stay out for any length of time. 

So this is the first time a world event as truly affected me. It is a terrifying time which prompted this summary of my life so far.

I went into a restaurant and saw no one. I never thought I’d see that day. I don’t want people to loose their income, but if people were to go about their daily activities we would loose so many in one go. All I can do is my job.

The more I watch the more depressed and stressed. At work is worse.

I’m teaching myself a new craft because of this. I have taken up leather working to make masks. It helps the creativity outlet. I started drawing class early in 2020 and was set to continue drawing and add painting when the social distancing started. I admit it felt overblown in the beginning. Now the numbers are changing rapidly and we are really seeing what happens in close communities. Just keep working. It’s part of life now. No matter how much if feels like a movie plot line.

But back to other things I’ve seen.

LGTBQA and others coming into the forefront of society. Saw legalization of gay marriage. Quite thrilled with that.

Didn’t hear the term Asexual in reference to a sexual preference until my early 20s. Immediately recognized similar stories to me. Never had an interest in sex or having a partner. A name did make things more relatable, but I will never fully understand people who seem to base their entire existence on their sexual preference.

I’ve been call sir many times based on how I dress. I still sound like a female. Can’t fault anyone for using the appropriate pronoun for what they see in front of them. But that’s a culture that’s growing. Preferred pronouns. But I have to admit that an online friend referred to me as “they” despite a lady being in my username and it felt nice. So in honor of the Special Snowflake term that floated around, I’m an nonbinary aromantic asexual. Probably with a fem-romanitic leaning. 

Saw the rise of the Millennials. I’m caught between Gen X and the Millennials. Now that all the Millennials are of age to vote, perhaps change is underway?

I’m back in college for my 3rd and then 4th degree. In nursing. Online. Watching the world combat a virus.

A US that is split down the middle politically. A world with more pollution problems than we can handle. Governments preferring to coverup mistakes and corruption than help their citizens. The term Public Servant is obviously not taken seriously in some places. See Flint, MI and their water. Lobbyists creating bills that benefit corporations rather than people. Politicians that never retire and keep getting lucrative reelection donations from those very corporations. 

The rise of narcotic drug use, prescription drugs. Pill mills. 

Sex scandals taking center stage in the news rather than things that actually affect daily life. Among things I will never understand is the fear of Transgender women in the women’s restrooms when it was always a straight conservative man who was the center of all these sex scandals. 

Asexual brain at work. I simply do not understand. Conclusion: If you look like a certain gender, you’ll most often be treated as that gender.

What I do miss were the kid shows and cartoons in the 90s. They were super progressive with great literature themes. I knew the story of some of the greatest classic literature simply by the references in those shows. 

Also the era of War on Drug commercials. Recycling promoted. 

My favorite: Captain Planet. Not only was it pushing for a cleaner earth it had different nationalities. Stereotypical, but a far better representation than what I am seeing in kids shows today. It was diverse in that multiple skin tones were seen on screen together rather than specific skin tones marketed to that specific demographic. Now I do like how many more cultures are represented, I just want them shown in ways where color and culture is not the primary focus. 

It also surged a desire to protect the planet. The knowledge that we need clean water and air. Educational shows like Magic School Bus and Bill Nye explained what is happening in the environment long before Global Warming became political. With the global shut in we see the world cleansing itself. 

Now the marijuana legalization issue. No one has died from overdosing on weed. Unlike Alcohol. Yes smoke isn’t good for your health like cigarettes, but the complications are not as prevalent, well studied, or as life threatening with what is known. The disconnect of state legalization and national illegalities is mind blowing. I hope to see that break so we can study it.

Overall I know I have seen a lot of historical events and I hope to live another 36 plus years to see more. 3 decades, the change of a century and the change of the millennia. Y2K hysteria included. 

The world is changing. The outcome is unknown. Peace be upon us all.

[talesfromthefreezerinmymind]

The Adventure of the Accidental Client

On this day in 1859 (May 22) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, was born.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness month. 

What do these two things have in common? For me, quite a lot. I’ll start this story in early 2012.

At that time I was a freshman at Maryville College, in my second semester of majoring in graphic design. I was completely miserable.

Why was I miserable, exactly? Well…

 I had no friends (turns out, I had never learned how to make them)

 I doubted that graphic design was the career for me (Imposter Syndrome vibes)

 I was homesick (even though I went home every single weekend)

I phoned my parents every night and told them about my day. During one such call, my dad told me about a show on Netflix that he’d started watching: Sherlock. It was made by some of the same people that made another favorite of ours, Doctor Who. I was intrigued, and had plenty of time on my hands, so I thought I’d give it a try.

If you know nothing of Sherlock Holmes (as I did when I first started watching the show), he’s a famous English detective residing in 221B Baker Street created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson solves mysteries in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But for Sherlock, the adventures are set in the modern day. Over the course of a week or so, I watched the whole first season. Normally I’m slow to warm up to things, but I was instantly hooked.

I kept watching the show. I read interviews with the cast and crew. I found a fan-run website with all sorts of lovely info. I discovered Tumblr and all the fandom madness that lives there. The second season had already premiered in the UK, and I dredged up info on it (and spoiled it for myself). I started reading the original novels and short stories that the show was based on. I read everything Sherlock Holmes in about 5 months. And then started reading it over again.

Sherlock had found me at just the right moment. I was unusually lonely. I was unusually bored. I saw myself in John Watson; a directionless man in need of a purpose. A deeply loyal man, without a friend to adhere to. I saw myself in Sherlock Holmes; a man whose mind is always running, who loves feeling clever and in control. A man for whom feeling like an outsider is normal, though not always welcome. In the words of John Watson, “I naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers are irresistibility drained.” I was a lounger, an idler, and London had found me.

The Sherlock Holmes stories rekindled my love of reading, which had been dormant for a few years, and sparked a much more serious interest in writing. There was just something about how Doyle went from unknown medical man to literary giant that grabbed my attention. He started in one world and ended up in another. It got me thinking that perhaps though I began in graphic design, I could end up somewhere else: a published author myself. So I wrote more. And I read more. I changed my major in the Spring of 2013 to English with a concentration in Creative Writing (Oh, and I transferred to UT in the fall of 2012. I had to get away from Maryville. Fresh start. Sorta). In 2015, right after graduating UT, I joined an organization called the Society of Children's Books Writers and Illustrators. Long story short, in April 2016 I signed the contract for Roof Octopus, my first picture book.

Sadly, though, writing doesn’t pay much when you’re first starting out so I really did need a backup career for the moment. Fall 2015 I enrolled at Pellissippi State Community College (backtracking, I know, per the usual order of things) and began earning an associate’s in graphic design.

Though by this point I was far removed from my freshman year at Maryville, I still felt all the loneliness and failure that I had felt then (and I was still fanatical about Sherlock; third season came out in 2014). Honestly, I had been feeling watered-down versions of those emotions since my junior year of high school (that’s another story for another time). Plus, there was something else that I was carrying that was growing heavier over time: an addiction to daydreaming.

An addiction to daydreaming? Is that even possible? Well, it is possible. It even has a fancy name: Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). It’s when a person’s habit of daydreaming is so obsessive that it interferes with everyday life. I would describe it like there’s a TV on in my head all day. It places my favorite shows, lots of reruns but new stuff, too. Your daydreams are like movies that you write and direct and star in and you can’t get enough. Part of the time they are white noise and I can ignore it. But more often than not, all I want to do is sit and watch. I have trouble focusing on what I’m reading or writing. I zone out super easily while listening to music or podcasts. I have trouble falling asleep for my mind not “turning off”. I zone out in class, at meetings, at church, and in groups of people when no one is talking directly to me. I daydream while driving and running and showering and cleaning and swimming and biking and just walking through my house. I’ve been struggling to focus while writing all this out; I’d rather daydream about writing this than actually do it. (Fun Fact: A big part of my daydreaming is I like to talk aloud while I’m doing it if I’m alone. On second thought, that’s probably more of an embarrassing fact than fun…)

People with MDD aren’t crazy; they don’t hear voices in their head or think people are around who really aren't there. They are fully aware that their daydream worlds aren’t real. But for some people MDD is so severe that they don’t leave their homes for days; they stay in and daydream their life away. Luckily, my MDD is not that severe. Often MDD is used as a coping mechanism. Even though I’ve never experience trauma like some people have, I still really crave an escape from life and all the emotions brought on by it.

I had never heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder until one day in the summer of 2016; I googled for ways to quit daydreaming and stuff about MDD was in the results. Up to this point I’d slowly been growing tired of my daydreaming. I’d always had an active imagination. Played pretend a lot as a kid, had imaginary friends. But in college it started to get out of hand. Particularly falling asleep was a struggle, or if I woke up super early, falling back asleep. It took me ages sometimes to write a paper or read through something. However, I had so much time on my hands that it didn’t really matter how much I procrastinated. (While at UT and Pellissippi, I still didn’t try to make friends.) I didn’t talk too much to anyone about how much I hated college. About how alone I was. I’m a Christian, but I didn’t pray about any of it. I didn’t talk about all the ways that I felt like a failure. I bottled it all up inside, because that’s what Sherlock did. Sherlock was a loner, who was never a failure. Emotions were for other people. He was too smart for them. Sherlock never seemed to let loneliness get to him, and I wasn’t going to let it either.

Anyway, the more I learned about MDD the more I was convinced that I had it. The most important thing that I learned about MDD was that people who struggled with it could get help. Therapy and medication (like antidepressants) had helped other people get control of their life once again. In the back of my mind, I began to wonder: I had been using MDD to help cope with life, but now did I need help coping with MDD? Nevertheless, true to my never-bare-my-soul nature, I shared these discoveries and questions with absolutely no one.

I kept on keeping on. Finished a year at Pellissippi (still worried about whether or not I could make it as a graphic designer). Signed that book contract. Stayed close (as close as you can be without spilling your guts) to my friends at home, who I usually had to make an effort to see (something I really missed from the good old days pre-college). Tried (and failed) not to freak out as some of those friends got married and/or moved off. Who needs friends anyway, right? They’ll just ditch you eventually; no one’s as loyal as John Watson. I daydreamed too much. I wrote and wrote. I worked at Cove Lake State Park in the summer. I started a second year at Pellissippi.

Then one night in December 2016, I stayed the night at my Nannie’s. After I went to bed, I, per usual, had a horrible time falling sleep. I laid awake for hours, but eventually drifted off.

The next day when I came home, my mom asked me if I had slept well.

That was all the provoking that I needed. I broke down and cried. I told her that I could hardly ever sleep because my mind would not turn off. My daydreaming had become too much. Once it had been my rescue, my escape from everyday life, but now I felt like I was going mad.

My parents talked it over together and decided that I should see someone professional. My mom made me an appointment at a counseling office. On December 20, 2016, I had my first meeting with my therapist.

It was rather surreal. In the first season of Sherlock, John sees a therapist because he’s trying to deal with returning home from war. In January 2017, just mere weeks after my first appointment, the fourth season of Sherlock aired. In in the first episode, Sherlock (spoiler) himself pays a visit to John’s therapist. Sherlock actually needs help and he’s actually asking for. And I had just done the same thing. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Over the last 3+ years my therapist has helped me understand a lot about myself. Anxiety has been present in my life for several years now. Talking to people I don’t know, and even people that I do know, often gives me some level of anxiety. I’m always worrying if I sound weird or dumb or boring. I never know what to talk about. Therapy has helped me build up my confidence so it’s much easier for me to talk to others now. Am I still an introvert? Oh, yes. Can I carry on a conversation with someone I just meet? Yeah. Do I always want to? No, not really. But I’m much more willing to try it now.    

I’ve always hated change, good or bad. Watching friends grow up and reach life milestones (marriage, kids, dream job) all while I changed majors, changed jobs, and had little luck in the dating realm was (and still is) rough. Therapy has helped me be a little more okay with changes in my life. I’m not so scared of the future as I once was.  

I prefer to keep to myself. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. I hate asking for help. I always feel like an oddball, even among my close friends. I love feeling clever. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate change.

I am Sherlock Holmes.

Therapy keeps me in check. Keeps from going over the edge. Helps me understand myself, the world around me, and those in it. It helps me become a better version of myself.

Therapy is my John Watson.  

I don’t know what would have happened to me had I not discovered Sherlock when I did. I do believe that God knows exactly what types of things would catch my attention (i.e. mysteries and best friend adventures) and perhaps that’s why and how things turned out the way they did. He is the Great Author, after all. I am thankful that He loved me even through the times that I was not a fan of myself, running and hiding from everyone, including Him.

I’ve told this story today because (1) I love telling stories. It’s why I write. It’s why I read. Heck, it’s why I’m addicted to daydreaming. Yep, I still daydream quite a lot, but I feel in control of it now. I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about two years now and that has helped with the daydreaming and my overall mood, too. I’ve also told this story today because (2) stories can save us. Sherlock Holmes saved me. I was a lounger, an idler, who wandered into 221B Baker Street in need of a mystery solved. What was happening to Lucy Branam? Can she be saved? Sherlock was just the detective for the job.

Happy 161st birthday, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank you for writing.

[radkoko]

Novel Idea

Second day, second prompt. Books

Ao3 Link

~~~

Iruka browsed the covers of the novels on the new table as he waited for Naruto to run through the store grabbing his senior year reading books for English class. They both wanted Naruto to graduate high school, and that meant starting early on the reading for the year.

He had far too many books at home, and Iruka knew he was going to be spending far too much on Naruto today, so when he picked up the unassuming romance novel, he wasn’t looking for anything -or expecting much- more than a distraction while Naruto searched.

It wasn’t until halfway through the first chapter that something felt off about this book. Iruka felt like he’d read this before because he was getting a strong sense of deja vu. He’d just have to blame it on the stereotypical protagonist, as most romance novels went she fit the mold, brown hair, brown eyes, the ‘not quite skinny, but not fat’ body shape, and… a scar? Okay, well that one wasn’t usually on the list.

Iruka heard Naruto call out for him, but suddenly he couldn’t take his eyes off this book. The scar she described was so strikingly similar to his, and her name… Ruika… it was all so close to him that it just didn’t seem possible. He skimmed through this coffee shop love story, picking up pieces that felt so much like memories instead of a new book.

Completely engrossed in the book, Iruka jumped when a hand clapped him on the arm and tore his eyes away from the pages.

“You okay Iruka?” Naruto asked. He looked at Iruka with his big blue eyes full of concern and a basket full of books at his side.

“I’m fine,” Iruka waved off Naruto’s concern, “You get everything on the list?” He questioned the teenager who was notorious for forgetting things.

“Yes,” Naruto grumbled, Iruka stared him down looking to get a better answer, “I went through the list twice, I swear.”

“Ok,” Iruka took him at his word, “Let’s pay and get out of here. I was thinking we could pick up ramen on the way home.” Iruka offered up the treat as a reward for a successful ‘mission’, one Naruto would never say no to.

Iruka turned to put the book down, but his curiosity got the better of him, so instead he dropped it in the basket as he took it from Naruto on his way to the register.

~~~

Iruka was a fast reader, but that wasn’t the only reason he finished the book before he went to bed that night. The book was -he’ll admit it- good, but it was the fact that it was so eerily similar to his life that stopped Iruka from putting the book down.

The girl, Ruika, was shown as practically living in the coffee shop. She had a standard table that she spread out her important paperwork on, and stayed there for hours on end. Iruka felt his life was subpar compared to hers, where his paperwork was just his student’s homework that needed to be graded. He did however have a table that he had claimed, just short of writing his name in it, for those afternoons that he sat down to get some work done while waiting for Naruto to finish soccer practice.

After seeing a standard day go by the author introduced the love interest in a scene that hit a little too close to home.

Ruika, being the self described clutz she was, proved her nature by tripping and dropping her coffee all over a man sitting at the table next to hers. Iruka remembered this being a particularly embarrassing event that happened to him about six months ago. His phone started ringing, and he rushed to pick it up in case Naruto was calling about something happening at practice. It ended up being an annoying telemarketer instead, but it was enough of a distraction that Iruka tripped over a chair that had been pulled out from a table and his coffee went flying.

He’d been lucky enough to only spill it on the floor, but Ruika’s had gone over the cute guy at the table and launched them into their great romantic love story. Iruka had tried to make conversation with the guy at that table and was left sitting in silence as the whole of the coffee shop stared at his misfortune.

If it had been just that moment Iruka might have forgiven the book for being a bit cliche, but it kept going. The time he’d offered up his table to the elderly couple. Or the time he’d gone to pick up all his papers and dropped them on the floor. Even the time that he’d gone running out of the shop, only to run back in for all the paper’s he’d forgotten to pick up before leaving.

The story even had his exact coffee order, mocha with hazelnut syrup, and the way he’d finish it off with a little extra cream from the bar.

It was all too much to be pure coincidence.

Iruka had to know who wrote this, and his best lead was the coffee shop. He’d have to start observing everyone else to see who had been watching him.

~~~

Iruka picked up his drink from the barista and sat down at his usual table. It was fortunately, or unfortunately, in the center of the cafe. So while it meant he had the best view of almost everyone, almost anyone could have been watching him. It wouldn’t help him narrow down his search for the author by seating choice.

He started looking for other clues. Sukea Chidori. That was the name printed on the cover of the book. The name sounded female, which fit Iruka’s expectation for a romance author, so that’s where he’d start. He took a mental note of all the women in the shop...

A college student, furiously working through her stack of textbooks. An older woman reading a book, maybe doing what he was, waiting for after school activities to finish. A gaggle of teen girls, each showing their phones to each other and gossiping about something. And last the barista, completely overwhelmed with the line of anxious customers wanting to get their order and leave.

Well, that didn’t help one bit. None of them seemed to fit the profile, not to mention they were all too engrossed in their own world to be noticing anything that was going on around them.

Maybe he’d just have to look at different days, who knows what kind of schedule the author kept. Iruka wasn’t about to change his routine because of a book, so he was sure to have plenty of time to keep looking for the author.

~~~

Days passed, and Iruka felt no closer to finding the mysterious author. He was getting more desperate by the day, but just couldn’t picture any of these women as the author. Even more evidence was that none of them were here day in and day out like he was. The rare few, like the college girl had a schedule, but they managed to be the few that he could rule out completely.

Frustrated with his thoughts Iruka pulled out the hair tie holding back his mess of hair. A habit of his, often fiddling with it when he got anxious.

“Hmmm,” Iruka stopped himself.

That was something he hadn’t thought about. Why did the author make his character female? Sure with his hair down he could look a little feminine, but it didn’t add up. Authors often put a bit of themselves in their protagonists, and if it was a female author then wouldn’t they be the leading woman, and leave Iruka to be the man?

No, he’d been thinking about this all wrong. The author was never female, they had to be male, and they must be something like the male lead.

Iruka whipped out the book from his bag and started reading through the sections with the love interest. Loner, always on his computer, light hair, lithe body…

There.

Iruka found his match in an instant once he was looking on the right path. He knew this guy… that was when he remembered. This guy was the man he’d tried to talk to after spilling his coffee. The exact moment that the whole book had been based around.

With an idea in mind, Iruka packed up all of his stuff, leaving out the book, and walked over to the guy.

He dropped the book down next to the guy’s computer with a thud, and sat down at the table without an invitation. The noise had called a little attention from the cafe’s patrons, but he was only focused on the author who was watching him with wide eyes.

“Mind if I get an autograph?” Iruka asked, wondering if the words sounded as menacingly sweet to the other man. He knew it was accusatory, but Iruka was certain he’d solved the mystery and was desperate to understand.

“Why would you want that?” the man asked trying to keep a fake calm that was, unfortunately for him, not very successful.

Iruka evaluated him. Silvery grey hair standing up in all directions, and ghostly grey eyes that pulled him in. His turtleneck was pulled up to cover his chin and his fingers worried the edges as if it was a bad habit like biting one’s fingernails. How he was able to wear such a thing when it was so hot outside was a completely separate question.

“You wrote this, didn’t you?” It was less of a question and more of a confirmation. The man froze in place, staring somewhere between his computer and the novel at its side.

“Why did you do this?” Iruka questioned, wanting his answers, but that man continued to stay silent. “Sukea?”

“Kakashi,” he finally spoke up.

“Huh?” Iruka started to question whether he’d gotten the wrong person.

“Sukea is a pen name. My name is Kakashi.”

“Ok, but why this?” Iruka pointed at the book.

“I…” Kakashi started to talk, but seemed to have trouble finishing what he wanted to say.

“Would it help if I said I won’t get upset?” Iruka offered, “I’m mostly interested in understanding why.”

Kakashi chuckled, a sound that made Iruka smile, “You are the most inspiration I’ve ever had to write.”

“Me?” Iruka felt his cheeks flush up.

“Yeah,” Kakashi’s voice soft with reverence. “I’ve started half a dozen stories and they all sit here unfinished, but the day you spilled that coffee, my fingers just started typing and didn’t stop until I wrote that whole story.”

It was Iruka’s turn to go silent.

“It was also my chance to change our first meeting,” Kakashi gave a tentative smile, he looked scared as if Iruka would run away if he said too much, “I was too nervous to say anything that first time, but in the book I could write it all.”

“This is what you wanted to say?” Iruka asked tapping on the book. He’d read the book a few times over by now, and that first meeting between Ruika and her love interest was a total meet cute. If it hadn’t been so real to Iruka, he would have swooned at the idea of meeting someone in such a way.

“Most of it,” Kakashi admitted.

“How about we start this all over?” Iruka offered hoping to turn this awkward meeting into something a little more novel worthy.

Kakashi nodded in agreement before fixing his turtleneck and lowering the top half of his computer to give Iruka his whole attention.

“Hi, my name’s Iruka. I think you’re a fantastic writer.” Iruka held out his hand for Kakashi to shake.

“Hi Iruka, I’m Kakashi. I think you’re cute, and I’d like to get you a drink.”

Iruka laughed, “Thank you, I’d like that.”

[neosofthours]

50 questions tag

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Hehe, the sims 4 xD

2. What makes your day better?

Relaxing, even if a day was filled with work, getting to relax and endulge in the things I find enjoyable will make it a whole lot better.

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

Getting off work.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

Hogwarts is a must and maybe Camp Halfblood as well.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

According to my friends, yes. However, I need to get better at listening to them myself.

6. Do you have a mental illness?

Nope.

7. Have you ever experience sleep paralysis?

Thankfully, no, and I hope it stays that way.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

Tbh, I can't think of a single person who inspired me to be the person I am today, of course I was raised by my mother, but inspired like that? Nope. So I can't answer this question.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Nope, I've had multiple crushes but I wouldn't go as far as to call it love.

10. What’s your dream date?

Maybe a picnic? Or the regular café date, I find those to be very adorable.

11. What do others notice about you?

My smile? I always smile, especially around people, no matter my initial mood.

12. What’s an annoying habit you have?

I bite my nails every now and then, I used to do it a lot more so I've gotten better. Then I also bounce my legs, all the time, it drives my mother crazy xD

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Haven't had one, but I don't really talk to my first crush either, I mean we were children for goodness sake xD

14. How many exes do you have?

Well, I've only dated one person and that only lasted for a week so I don't know if that counts xD

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Going with the playlist I listen to the most; kpopexplosion. It doesn't say how many songs are on there but listening through the whole thing would take me 36 hours and 27 minutes xD

16. What instruments can you play?

None xD I'm the only one in my family without the musical gene xD

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

NCT Jaemin 😅 I have a file on my phone just for him.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Croatia. I may be half Croatian but I've never been there. It's a life goal of mine.

19. What’s you Zodiac?

Pisces! ♓

20. Do you relate to it?

I relate to that sign more than I relate to anything in the world, and I relate to a lot of stuff!

21. What is happiness to you?

Happiness is being myself, being at peace with who I am and loving myself unconditionally. You don't need anyone else's approval, you don't need anyone else's admiration. The only opinion about yourself worth paying attention to is your own, that's the only one that matters.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Naaa, not really, just trying to get through the summer with the job I have so I can go back to uni ready to take on year two.

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made?

Not learning how to ride a bike as a kid? I fell reallu badly once when I was riding a bike with three wheels and I haven't sat down on a bike since. I'll learn eventually though, I'm stubborn xD

24. What’s you favourite store?

Book stores definitely! I can't walk into one without buying something, it's ridiculous.

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

The person who wrote these questions is trying to start a fight.... Anyway, I think abortion is okay as long as it isn't used as a contraceptive and is executed before brain activity is discovered unless the mother's and/or child's life and/or the child's quality of life is in danger.

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

I did, but I've basically abandoned it by now xD

27. Do you have a favourite album?

I am in love with Stray Kids' album Cle 1: Miroh, I've saved literally all songs and that's a rarity. I also love NCT 2018 Empathy because of the big variety of concepts.

28. What do you want for you birthday?

My birthday was in February and, well, I don't know what I want nowadays. A new phone maybe, since I wanna go back to Samsung. Books are always welcome and pencils are always a safe bet, I loooooove pencils and pens.

29. What are most people’s first impressions of you?

That I’m loud, like really loud, and well they're correct. Some people has perceived me as a know-it-all as well which, I admit, I am, however not to the extent they assumed. Some also thought I was popular.... I don't know, I just know a lot of people xD

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

.... People always think I'm around 16, 17.... I'm 21 people, come on xD

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

On the floor by the bed, it's basically the only time I charge it.

32. What word do you say the most?

My top three most used are probably dude, oof and same xD

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

At the moment, I draw my line at five years older, maybe six in some cases, any older than that and I get uncomfortable.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

Two years younger, maybe three in some cases, but any younger than that and they're too close to my brother's age who's six years younger than me and haha nope, aint doing that.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Most people can see me as a teacher but I can't handle stress that well so librarian is perfect for me which is what most people can picture me as as well.

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

Besides kpop I really enjoy rock, I don't really listen to much but I do like the sound. Then I also love bands such as Fall Out Boy, what would you call that genre? Poprock, pop punk...? Anyway, listen to Fall Out Boy!

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I would actually really like to stay and live here in Sweden, yes I'm boring but this is where I feel at home.

38. What is your current favourite songs?

Stray Kids Mixtape 2, Stray Kids Side Effects, AB6IX Breathe, SF9 RPM, Onewe 0&4, History Dreamer, WAYV Let Me Love You, 1the9 Spotlight, KARD Bomb Bomb and UNI.T I Mean.

39. How long have you had this blog for?

A bit over six months.

40. What are you excited for?

For everything, the future, my brothers coming home, my first salary, etc. I'm always excited xD

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

Talker, definitely, I could talk someone's ears off if they didn't stop me.

42. What is the least productive thing you did?

Playing Sims the whole day when I knew I had multiple essays to write.

43. What do you want for Christmas?

I don't knoooow.... Se question 28.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

It was English but in Uni we have courses instead so that doesn't really work the same way 😅

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

10, I always try to be a 10 emotionally.

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

Having a peaceful life while working at a library, that's all I want really, a peace life.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

Haven't had it yet.

48. What age do you want to get married?

Around 30, I want to have graduated school and worked for a bit before merging my life with someone else's.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to become a fashion designer, only problem is I can't sew xD

50. What do you crave right now?

Chocolate omg 😍

I was tagged by @dream-minhyung

Tagging anyone who wants to do this 😁

[pasteltofus]

1 Year of Learning Korean

One of the most popular questions I’ve gotten since coming back from Korea is: Are you fluent in Korean now??*

*Spoilers: I am not. 🙃

Looking back, I probably would have become more conversational if I had just done a 3-month intensive program. Although, compared to just learning by myself in the Bay Area, being in Korea definitely gave me more opportunities and motivation. I was placed in the high intermediate class for orientation (switched to low intermediate), but I would say that I’m now truly at an intermediate level. I think my Korean’s more or less the same as my Japanese (which has regressed a lot, and I only took 3 semesters in college) but with very shaky foundations. 

Anyways, here’s a brief timeline of what I did this grant year. Let’s go~

[Initiate lock n’ load montage]

July

Korean Intensive Program (8-12pm, 1-2pm M-F) 

Because of how the program was structured, I didn’t feel like I learned very much. This is partly why my foundation is so full of holes...we skipped around here and there. 

August

Korean Intensive Program

September

Korean was put on pause due to troubles adjusting to homestay

October

Occasionally did a few chapters of Billy Go’s Korean Made Simple at school 

Studied some Korean vocab 

November

???

December

I don’t think I studied Korean at all

January

Got a wakeup call when I spent 5 minutes trying to read the back of a sign at a smoothie shop and realized how slow I was at reading

February

Vocab grind (1000 Essential Korean Words), plan was to finish by the end of March. Two weeks of intense vocabulary cramming on Quizlet (did nothing in the end lol don’t try that)

Bought the Real Life Conversations Intermediate book

Studied Korean in Kpop lyrics

Started a side coding project to help my touch typing (K-pop lyric typing game)

March

Memorized dialogues from Real Life Conversations book with Lauren

Improved reading skills slightly by listening and following along with the audio recordings that come with the book

Read through the dialogues with the Korean literature teacher in my gyomushil

Continued to learn song lyrics

Wrote sentences with each new vocabulary word, got my co-teacher and the Korean literature teacher to check them (<-this was probably the most helpful game changer...it helped a lot with my spelling too)

Continued working on the K-pop typing game

April

Stopped learning new vocab at around Chapter 11 of Essential Words, focused on retaining old vocab through Anki flash cards

Finished the Go! Billy Korean Made Simple book that I bought ages ago (tbh it was too easy for me at this point but I was just too lazy)

Finally sat down and “learned” Korean verb conjugations (I’d just been going by gut instinct before…tbh I still kind of do 😅)

Kind of dropped the typing game after finishing the MVP 😅but I’m gonna try to finish it up now that I’m back

May

Started to panic about leaving Korea in 2.5 months but still sucking at Korean

Signed up for private lessons once a week for 90 minutes (My tutor asked me to give her a shout out. Her name is 서영심 (bwv830@gmail.com). If you’re in the Cheongju/Ochang area, she comes to you! She’s very professional and you’ll get your money’s worth.)

Started at the intermediate book that focused on grammar

Learned ~5 grammar points every week

Started writing and reading a lot more and actually seeing how words are spelled. The first time I saw 여기--a super common word (yogi) that means here--written out I thought it was so strange...not that I had thought it was 요기 (also pronounced yogi) but I just didn’t have a visual of it in my head, I guess.

June

Depressed about lack of improvement

Continued with private lessons but felt like I wasn’t really retaining the grammar dump from each week

At the very least, Korean homework kept me on track and made me practice even when I didn’t want to

Started Anki again since I hadn’t actively studied vocab since April.

An old K.Will song that I hadn’t listened to for a long time came up and I realized I could suddenly understand the lyrics. That was pretty cool and one of my small win moments.  

July

Feeling pretty hopeless with Korean

However, hung out with more Korean friends that only spoke Korean and felt like I was actually able to contribute to the conversation. (3 hours of Korean Listening ...🙃)

Was able to understand 70% of the conversation at my gyomushil’s final farewell lunch for me. I contributed to the gossip! 

Went home and immediately lost 50% of my Korean skills upon touching U.S. soil. 

So basically, after my burst of inspiration in February, my confidence and motivation in Korean just kept plummeting. Even now as I write up this post I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. But I do want to highlight the progress that I’ve made since orientation.

Korean Reading

We were all supposed to be able to read Hangul before we came to Korea. Being able to recognize the alphabet is different from being able to read and also different from knowing the pronunciation rules and where to pause in your reading. During my first semester, my eyes would automatically glaze over whenever I saw Korean text. When the second semester started, I tried to force myself to read everything I came across - storefronts, street signs, advertisements on buses, etc. Even if I didn’t know what it meant, I would force myself to read it. Right now, I can navigate a Korean shopping website and read a menu semi-comfortably. I’m still waiting for the day when I’ll see English sounding hangul and be able to read it as fast as English. Although, I will say it’s really nice to be able to read the Korean titles in Kpop videos on Youtube, especially when I come across really old songs (like Super Junior’s No Other 너 같은 사람 또 없어) and realize I now know what it means. 

Also, a new world that has opened up to me is...노래방!! Karaoke is such an adrenaline rush. I’d compare it to sight-reading or DDR/rhythm games where you know something is coming up and the satisfaction you get when you get it right with the beat of the music is 👌. It’s so gratifying to be able to sing along...거기 너 I FANCY YOU 아무나 원하지 않아 HEY! I love you (LOVE YA)!! 

Korean Writing

Back during orientation, I couldn’t spell anything on my own. I knew words every koreaboo knew like 어떻게 and 괜찮아 but I couldn’t write it because I didn’t know how spelling worked. It’s no wonder my spelling didn’t improve since a) I didn’t write and b) I didn’t even read. Even now I still make a lot of spelling mistakes, but I pay attention to words when I see them. It’s still a very slow process, but now I can picture the hangul in my head when I think of the word. 

Typing: I started orientation with around 15 wpm, then by the end of orientation I got to around 30 wpm. Currently, I’m at 60 wpm when I start cold and after I get warmed up I can go up to 80wpm. Being able to touch type is so useful, especially when I’m typing up long sentences from my textbook and I don’t have to look up.

Korean Listening

Dare I say...my Korean listening is my strongest point??? I remember when I took French listening tests in high school, I would always lament with everyone else that they spoke too fast for me to understand. But interestingly, for both Japanese and Korean, I never had that problem. If it only contains words and grammar I know, I can understand it perfectly fine even if it’s fast. I intuitively understand most Korean verb endings and exclamations so it’s not hard to know which way the conversation is flowing or when to interject with “세상에,” “맞아 맞아,” or “말도 안돼.” I used to think my poor lack of vocabulary was the number 1 thing blocking me from understanding, but then I learned more grammar and realized the things I didn’t know. I do feel like parts of the fog are being lifted...sometimes...

Korean Speaking: 

I still feel pretty embarrassed when I speak Korean because there are some sounds that I can’t pronounce. Compared to orientation, I have a few more stock phrases tucked and ready to go, but I still feel unable to express myself. Every conversation will start out fine, but they’ll all stagnate to the same topics and sentences after a while. 

Complications with other languages

I talked about how knowing some Japanese and Chinese was both an advantage and a disadvantage during my beginning stages, but this is true even now. 

Ever since I started getting more comfortable with typing and spelling Korean, I’ve started seeing the actual Hangul in my head when I think/hear Korean. I’ve also started to associate the locations of the Hangul characters with their locations on the Korean keyboard. 

One day, I was trying to text back my mom with “那是什么?” (Na Shi Shen Me/What’s that?) but was confused because those characters weren’t showing up. Then I realized I was typing “sk” instead of “na.” Some of you guys might get it....because “s” is where ㄴ(n) is and k is where ㅏ(a) is on the Korean keyboard. Clearly, my brain can’t handle it. It’s interesting because both the Japanese and Chinese keyboard uses the same alphabet placements as English.

Another time: I was watching a Talk To Me in Korean video where Hyunwoo talked about how 하다 is a very versatile verb. I immediately thought about how the Japanese equivalent is ���루 and even mentally mapped it out on the Korean keyboard...before realizing this is WRONG, WRONG, it’s する not 수루 LOUISE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. (They are both pronounced suru)

What’s next? 

Now that I’m back in the States, it’s going to take even more determination and self-discipline to keep up with my Korean. But I really don’t want everything I’ve worked towards to just wash down the drain. I’ll aim to finish my intermediate grammar textbook and grind anki flashcards. Hopefully, I can find a language partner or a study group. We’ll see! 

[alley-cat-sunflower]

Status update!

Hello! Alley here, finally!

You may have noticed I’ve vanished from the face of the earth lately. In case my terse and sporadic update posts aren’t enough to tell you why I’ve been so inaccessible, I think it’s about time I give you something to explain what I’ve been doing, and maybe even a promise to come back online sooner rather than later. (But it’s gonna get a little long, so I’m throwing this under a cut. I apologize to those of you who can’t see it.)

As most of you know, I’m in my last semester of college. More importantly, I’m so far along in said last semester that I literally just have to take one final a week from today—the day before graduation, actually—and then I’m home fucking free after five years of torment!!!

Anyway, the whole semester has been super busy, what with holding down an internship and three classes all required for graduation (and that pressure has been real). One of those classes was “Math and the Human Imagination”, which unsurprisingly involved analyzing imaginary numbers. I’m ashamed to admit that despite my favorite professor’s best efforts, the course did absolutely nothing to help my understanding of mathematics. Another of those classes was “Bollywood and Globalization”, which is the one in which I still have a final. I have hopes that I’ll do well, if only because I’ve enjoyed the course enough to pay attention.

The last class was my “Senior Synthesis”, which purports itself the crowning experience of a Liberal Studies major, in which you can basically do whatever the fuck you want as long as you can present it to the class in the form of a speech/slideshow, a poster, and an essay. Because there are roughly three things I care about, I chose one of them and had an unironically marvelous time drawing a bazillion connections between BTS’s Bangtan Universe and Hermann Hesse’s Demian. I was scheduled to present in the first possible week, in mid-April, and spent 24 total hours out of the weekend before pulling together my presentation (because I’m broken and think that’s fun—I’d have spent just as much time on it even if I hadn’t had to for the project). As part of it, I made a six-minute video you can watch here if you like, which showcases some of the specific connections I examined.

Speaking of BTS in conjunction with April, though, that brings me to their new album. And can I just say, holy shit. I still wasn’t over “Intro: Persona” by the time the whole thing dropped, so every time I listen to the album, I’m shook all over again to this day. Thanks to timezone shenanigans, my mother the ARMY had me wake her at 1:45am on April 12 so we could be awake for the festivities. We saw the “Boy with Luv” MV the moment it came out… and then proceeded to watch it with and without subs about five times. While that was going on, I bought Map of the Soul: Persona on iTunes the second it was available and burned a CD. After that, my mom suggested going out to a deserted parking lot and blasting it in the car so we could enjoy it at a decent volume, since we didn’t want to wake the neighbors. So we did, and let me tell you, hearing “Dionysus” for the first time at full volume in the dead of night can’t be beat. That whole adventure is a memory I’ll cherish forever.

There have been a lot of those lately, especially in conjunction with BTS, and this brings me to how absolutely insane this past week has been. I’d like to lead into last weekend by stating in no uncertain terms that I owe @lightningswrath​ my very life for managing to land us tickets to not one, but both BTS concerts at the Rose Bowl this past weekend. They were both indescribably beautiful, though the second one in particular was perfect—not least because I actually remembered to eat that day, so I was no longer trying to process overwhelming emotions on an empty stomach. However, the experience wasn’t as surreal as I expected; I did feel elevated, but also oddly grounded. Despite their awe-inspiring stage presence and sense of showmanship, the members are also so genuine as people that I couldn’t help but accept their presence in front of me.

(Incidentally, if you’re an ARMY and haven’t looked up Namjoon’s speech on 190505, please do; the man is a true sage and I feel incredibly honored to have heard such profound words in person. The only reason I didn’t record it myself was because I was so absorbed in the moment.)

Alas, every silver lining has its cloud. This past weekend has given me an unforgettable set of experiences in the best way, but I am most definitely suffering the consequences of not being able to do any schoolwork. We couldn’t leave until after my class a week ago, and we had to come back early enough on Monday that I could make it to my last math class and explain two chapters of a book I didn’t understand. On Tuesday, I had to attend the last day of my internship and then design and construct a poster, which I finished on Wednesday morning before completing a three-page evaluation of my math class—which was supposed to have been due on Monday, but I completely spaced it out—and then presenting my poster.

But That’s Not All. Yesterday, I wrote and turned in another three-page evaluation, this time of my internship, before immediately heading home to work on my synthesis essay, which was supposed to be 15 pages. Thankfully, I actually enjoy writing about all the crazy-detailed connections between BTS and Demian, but I still only finished it in the nick of time today (at a whopping 24 pages, not counting the works cited, because I can’t be brief when I’m busy being passionate) before heading to class. I had just gotten home from that when I started writing this post, and I’ll have to leave in another couple hours to go out dancing with some friends. After that, as mentioned, I only have one final left, and then I’ll have a degree in Liberal Studies with an English minor.

Which begs the question several people have already asked me: what next?

Thankfully, my internship has provided me with a ready answer, because they decided to ask me to come in as a paid part-timer over the summer! So I can at least tell people I’m going to be continuing my foray into the field of editing and publishing. But aside from career-related stuff, I also have a lot of things I’d like to do now that I won’t have academia weighing me down anymore. Enough that I can honestly make an entire list of… uh, goals? wishes? for the rest of the year:

Finish some of my ongoing fanfiction

Work on some of my original fiction

Find more time to write and post in general

Dance more often (and learn some BTS choreography)

Get into more K-pop (VAV, Monsta X, SHInee, etc.)

Help my mother sell stuff on eBay and pay back the $500 I owe her

Buy more BTS albums/merch and FFXV’s Episode Ardyn

Play and/or replay more video games, esp. otome

Plan my move up north with @chibitorra​

Move all my stuff out of my dad’s house

Sort through everything I own and get rid of half of it

Pick up my Japanese studies again

Maybe start learning Korean???

Watch more Bollywood films

Read more Hesse, Jung, and Nietzsche

I also intend to resume some of my online activities and become more socially accessible again, but I doubt I will ever be as active or consistent in any fandoms as I once was, although I hope to compensate for this by writing more for them. Given that my former fever-pitch of online activity was born of a desire to escape reality, and by now I’ve finally found more of a place in the real world, this is most certainly for the best.

Anyway, that’s the tale of where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’m headed next! I hope that gives you something to work with if you’ve been curious about what I’ve been up to. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope life has been kind to you too!