#i’ve been really motivated to practice what i believe lately. i hate processed food. i hate tv. i hate sedentary lifestyles and being

[wwwafflewrites]

Of Daydreams and Realities

Chapter 4: Insomnia

Dean’s eyebrows quirked.

You screwed your eyes and threw your head into your hands. “I knew you wouldn’t get it. Who would? I sound absolutely raving mad.” You laughed, mocking yourself, “Sherlock Holmes. Good lord, I say it like he’s a monster under my bed. Would you believe that? It’s stupid. He’s actually a good man. But I… I can’t face him right now, Dean. I can’t. It’s okay if you don’t get it. I understand.” You sighed. “I would have thought I was crazy a month ago, too.”

Dean recovered, blinking and shaking his head. “No, I get it,” he murmured. “Of all people, I would probably get it the best. You wouldn’t believe the crazy stuff I run into.”

“But you’re also holding back,” Sam pitched in, startling you. “We can’t help you until we get the full picture here.” When had he sat up? Were these guys ninjas? Well, they were hunters… but wow.

“You guys seriously can’t help me. You’ll make it worse.”

Sam shook his head. “You keep saying that. What are we going to ‘make worse’?”

You stilled. You couldn’t. It was too cruel to say. “Well, you know…” you gestured shyly. They waited. “You know… like… all the people… uh…” They were not getting the hint. “Most people… um… most people you guys help end up… um…”

In hindsight, though, you hadn’t been very clear.

“…dead.”

Your anxiety returned as they were silent. You felt your heart in your teeth and the constriction of your chest. They aren’t reacting. Why aren’t they reacting. Yell, scream, something. React!

Sam looked up and his eyes were sad. “That… I’m sorry if we scared you like that. We really… ahm,” tears came to his eyes as he remembered Jess and the countless friends he’s lost on the road, but he quickly composed himself. “But,” he continued, “we still don’t know what we’re dealing with here. For one, why aren’t you sleeping?”

Might as well tell them. Shuffling on the cot, you stared at the lamp on the nightstand. “Well… when I fall asleep, well— I, uh… I don’t wake up in the same place.” You paused. Again, they were silent. “Please stop staring at me and say something.”

Sam cleared his throat, sending a lost look to Dean before he said, “Is there a pattern? You said we’re a television show. Do you wake up in different dimensions?”

“Yeah, there’s a pattern,” you said. “Three television shows. First I woke up in Doctor Who; then you, Supernatural; and the last one is Sherlock.”

Dean observed you carefully. “How long has this been going on?”

“A good month. They started as dreams. The dreams got worse. If I base it on dream-logic, I probably haven’t slept in days. They were dreams until I got shot—”

Dean’s back straightened. “Shot?”

“Yeah. In the face.” You tapped your forehead.

“You’re telling me you were shot in the face and you only got that little black mark? Sam, how is that possible?”

Sam, who was lost in thought, only shook his head. “It’s not.”

You shuddered, remembering the mugging in your dreams. Or… no, wait. Not a dream, remember? You were actually shot; you have a scar to prove it. You’re dead. “I’m really tired of this loop, and I honestly think Sherlock will break me.”

Dean hesitated. “Is he, like, evil-Sherlock? Or…”

“No,” you said. “No, he’s brilliant, I’m sure. But oblivious to social cues. He can rant and rant about how my fingernails show that I haven’t eaten in two days, and I seriously don’t think I can take it mentally.”

Dean processed the wrong part of what you’d just said. “You haven’t eaten in two days?”

“That isn’t the point—”

Somehow, this managed to bring out Dean’s protective nature. “Christ, you ‘ought to be starving. Here, kid, I’ll get you something.”

“That’s not… you don’t have to…”

But off went Dean regardless. He fetched a granola bar from his bag and tossed it to you. With your hands cupped, you caught it against your chest.

“… thanks,” you said, grateful.

They stared as you ate. As much as you hated pity, you enjoyed food a lot more. After a few bites, you said, “I still can’t get over that I’m dead.”

Sam seemed to ponder it. “You look alive to me. I mean, someone could have saved you.”

“But who? Who would have…” Grace. Castiel in my dreams. Grace! Castiel = grace, stupid. Add it up. “Oh,” you said. Have they met Castiel? “Ooh. Oh, what season are we…” You analysed Sam’s hair from the bed. “Um…” Maybe Season 3? “Can I ask you what major events have been, uh, going on?”

Dean didn’t try to sound sarcastic, but… he sounded sarcastic. “Maybe all the demons overrunning the Earth.”

“Is your dad..?”

Dean’s eyes flashed cold. “He’s dead.”

That couldn’t be right. This was pre-Hell Dean. You were sure of it. Which meant… Sam doesn’t know Dean sold his soul yet. Dean’s eyes said it all—they were pleading you to keep silent.

Get him out of here. “Hey, Dean… could you take me for a ride in the Impala? I know it's… it’s just… I think that might calm me down if I’m going to sleep.”

Dean nodded, rubbing his eyes and grabbing his jacket. “Yeah, no problem.”

You both shuffled out the door, leaving Sam in silence.

///

It was past midnight, but Dean didn’t seem to notice. You were right about the Impala relaxing you. There was this gentle purr of the Impala against the road that made your anxiety drop. Somehow, both the TARDIS and the Impala had succeeded at calming you lately.

There were several long minutes where you began to nod off. Was he going to say anything? Should you say anything? This is your only chance.

Dean beat you to it. “You going to disappear or something?”

You forced yourself to open your eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll circle back to this universe later. Unless I… unless I die in Sherlock and I… I don't…” Your breath hitched. You were an absolute baby about this. The Winchesters had already died countless times and the apocalypse hadn’t even begun. They hardly cried.

Soon, however, your hitching breath turned into unwanted tears.

Dean kept glancing, and then he brought his free hand to your shoulder. “Hey, you know, it’s okay to cry. Just because I don’t doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I mean, you narrowly escaped Death. I know how it is. It’s tough. You’re practically a Winchester now, kid.”

That brought you to violent sobs. “But why—am I crying so much?”

Dean kept rubbing your back. He said, “I’m about to die in a few months. I’m going to Hell. I’ll be a mess compared to you, probably.”

After a couple minutes, you were drained. You needed to tell him. You murmured, “Hey, no matter what… please stay with Sam, Dean. As much as you are each other’s weaknesses, you’re also each other’s greatest strength. I can’t emphasize that enough. You two staying a team is what will save everyone.”

“But I’m leaving him.”

“Are you sure?”

Dean paused, watching you curiously. “I’ve died so much that I never really know. But I always assume it’s my last. Because if it is, and I don’t say goodbye, I’ll probably crawl out of Hell itself to tell him.” He laughed, “Maybe that’s good motivation.”

“Yeah,” you said. “Hey, Dean… is it okay if I…”

“Yeah, kid, knock yourself out,” he smiled, pleased by his joke.

After a good hour, your head nodded into the window and you began to drift with the car’s hum. Though you subconsciously knew this peace would not last.

Tags

@jay-bel

[an-unknown-writers-world]

Breaking Routine

Day Seven: Ice Skating

Part of @panicfob​ 25 Days of Christmas Challenge

Warnings: Angst

Pairing:  Bucky Barnes X Reader (First Person, Nameless) ; Sam Wilson x Reader(platonic)

 Word Count: 2171

A/N:  The beginning of this series can be found on my Masterlist if you’ve missed any of this.

-----------------------------------------------

It had been a long, hard quiet day. I woke up with the worst hangover I’d had since freshman year of college, although I was at a loss for which was worse, my alcohol hangover or the emotional turmoil, I was feeling. The day had been full of things that were amiss, I woke up later than normal, so Bucky had come and gone by the time I made breakfast. I had tried to go for a run but lacked any motivation, I even tried a few rounds with the heavy bag and couldn’t stay focused on it. Most of the day had passed even into the evening and I was yet to see Bucky and believe me, I had looked everywhere.

I was beginning to think that game night was a bad idea or at least the alcohol part of it. I had practically thrown myself at Bucky and haven’t seen him since. I thought we were fine afterward, at least I was fine. I understood his thought process and I respected his decision even when every fiber of my being wanted to fight him. 

After eating dinner, I realized pacing the house wasn’t getting me anywhere and I had already done all the laundry and dishes I could find. So, I found myself on the couch in the theater room watching ice skating. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from being so inside my own head. I wasn’t sure how long I had been there before Sam moseyed in. 

“You look miserable,” Sam said plopping into the chair next to the couch.

“Gee, thanks,” I replied not pulling my eyes from the tv.

“Maria says hello.”

I frowned, I hadn’t seen Maria in weeks, I didn’t even know she was back in town. She calls most if not all of the missions still. “You got to see her?”

“She got back into town last night, she’ll be here for a few weeks.” 

“Hope I’ll get to see her,” I said looking at him.

“You will, she’s gonna be at the Stark Christmas party thing, I get to be her plus one.” He grinned, “Guess Barnes is the only one not coming. That is unless you’re taking him.”

I shrugged. “We haven’t talked about it.”

“I just assumed with as cozy as you two have been lately, that it didn’t need to be talked about.” Sam pushed.

“Well, you shouldn’t assume Sam.” My tone came out harsher than I intended. “If things were so peachy between us maybe he wouldn’t have vanished the entire day after I practically threw myself at him.” 

“Whoa,” He sighed. “That wasn’t the response I was expecting.”

Grabbing the pillow next to me, I fiddled with the threaded design. Fidgeting had always been my give away for anxiety, ever since I was a little girl. I hadn’t intended to tell Sam any of this, it really wasn’t any of his business.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked.

I shrugged, “Not much to say. We were all drunk, I asked him to stay with me and he told me no. He went to bed and I haven’t seen him since.”

“That’s it he just said no?” 

“Well not technically, he gave me a noble speech about how he refused to stay with me if alcohol was involved in my decision making.” I rolled my eyes. “Sometimes his old-fashioned personality can be really frustrating.” 

“Dude’s got some morals though. And as much as it pains me to defend him, there’s not a whole heck of a lot of those he can hold onto still. Mind control kind of robs you of a lot of those.”

I was shocked at Sam’s defense of Bucky; he had incredibly valid points, but this was progress for them. “That’s the things Sam, I’m not even mad at him for it.” I sighed realizing things for myself for the first time today. “I’m mad at myself for doing it, to begin with, it wasn’t the right time and I knew that I just didn’t want to be apart from him. The thing that upsets me the most is that he’s been gone for god only knows how long and I haven’t heard from him.”

“He left around nine-thirty this morning,” Sam stated,

I looked at him confused.

“We interacted over coffee this morning.”

“You interacted? Like you had a conversation?” I laughed.

“Not sure I’d call it that,” He shrugged. “He grumbled about him being an idiot and an asshole, which I naturally agreed with.”

“Sam,” I chided 

“I didn’t know what was going on.” He urged, “If I did, I probably would have just sent him back upstairs to fix it.” 

“Do you know where he went?” 

“He didn’t say specifically, just that he was going to see a friend.”

“Ugh,” I threw the pillow in my face.

“That was a bit dramatic.”

“Shush. I’ve been stewing all day.” 

“What are you watching anyway?” Sam asked looking at the tv.

“Figure skating.” 

“Never understood the point of it, ice rinks are for hockey, not dance parties.”

I laughed, “Those girls are more athletic than you are.”

“How do you figure?”

We went back and forth bickering about pointless facts about ice skating in general. I had always knowns I was too clumsy to ever put myself on ice, but that didn’t stop me from watching it every winter that I could. We agreed that each use of an ice rink required specific skills that neither of us possessed. Eventually, he decided it was time for him to find food and get a workout in.

“Also, before I forget, Morgan and Peter are coming over tomorrow to build Gingerbread houses.” 

“Morgan can stay, the other kid’s gotta go.”

“You can’t hate him for webbing you forever. Will you turn the light off?” I called out as he got to the doorway. 

“It’s bad for your eyesight,” He replied, turning the light out anyways.

I wasn’t sure I cared about my eyesight at the moment, instead, I snuggled further into the couch pulling the blanket off the back; I stretched out with my head on one of the armrests. Focusing on the screen I tried to clear my mind and just focus on the tv, watching their beautiful rhythm, the smooth glides broke up by intense twists and jumps. It was mesmerizing really. I’m not sure how long I stayed that way, but it must have been a while.

“It’s beautiful,” Bucky said from the doorway. “Can I come in?”

“It’s a public space,” I stated,

He didn’t respond, instead, he came to sit on the couch. Carefully lifting my legs so they laid across his lap with the blanket. We had sat this way every night to watch the news lately, it was comfortable, but it felt wrong with my current mood. Neither of us spoke through the next routine, but it wasn’t the comfortable silence I was used to. It was thick with unspoken tension and unheard emotions.

“I’ve always had an irrational fear that I would fall and get my wrist sheared off by the blade of a skate,” Bucky confessed breaking the silence.

I looked him a little confused at first, “Always, like since you were a little kid?”

He nodded, “Even Steve would go ice skating; granted he usually broke or bruised something. But I was always content to sit on the side and watch. Did you ever skate growing up?” He asked.

I shook my head, “The town I grew up didn’t have any kind of ice rink and the nearest city that did was about two hours away. Even if it did, I don’t think I’d ever try. I’m too clumsy, I’d be afraid of falling.”

“Isn’t it funny how we let the fear of falling keep us from doing things we think we’d enjoy.” Bucky mused. 

He spoke so softly I wasn’t sure I was meant to hear it. I sat hesitantly wanting to speak, there were a hundred topics on the tip of my tongue, where had he been all day, did he leave because he couldn’t face me, was he okay? I wanted to apologize for my actions the night before, but then I wondered did they really require an apology, me vocalizing something that I wanted. 

I was beginning to feel like our relations the last few days was like a figure skating routine, long smooth glides, the steady build of our friendship, the first twist with the cookies, the curving glides with the tree and stitches episode and that first jump on the sleigh ride. Routines end, sometimes they end poorly with the skater crashing to the ground, other times they end with a beautiful bow.

“Can I turn this off so we can talk for a few minutes?” Bucky asked. 

This didn’t sound good.

“Sure, you’ll want to turn on the lamp behind you.”

He reached behind him flipping on the light and quickly powered the tv off. Turning ever so slightly, my legs still across his lap but his body facing me almost head-on now. The serious expression on his face was impossible to read.

“I owe you an apology,” He started.

“No, you don’t.” I interrupted. “I owe you one.”

Bucky sighed, “Please, let me.”

I nodded, agreeing to shut up so he could speak.

“I let my fear of falling stop me last night. There were so many different, better ways that I could have handled that last night. Neither of us wanted to be alone, I knew that’s what it was. We don’t have to sleep together to sleep together.” I smiled at the way he emphasized the first sleep. “I should have been more open and talked about it. I need to be honest with you, completely honest.”

“You haven’t shared a bed with anyone in eighty years?” I joked.

“Har, har.” He pretended to laugh.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.”

He reached out to grab my hand. “This terrifies me.” He confessed. “I don’t know how to do this; I barely knew how to do it in the ’40s. Last night after I went to bed and I heard your door close I got back up. I stood outside your room for a while, long enough to hear the crying. It killed me, I promised you back on the sleigh that I’d never break your heart and that’s exactly what I did last night.”

“Buck,” I sighed. “You did not break my heart. I was upset, but I was also drunk and overly emotional. I should have been clearer; I was asking you to stay the night with me not jump my bones.”

Bucky laughed, “What?”

I blushed, “You don’t know what jumping someone’s bones means?”

“Can’t say that I do, doll.”

“Well, it means to have sex.” 

“Oh,” He laughed.

“Let me be perfectly honest. You never have to apologize for having morals and not wanting to cross a line at a certain point. I know that there are some things I am more comfortable with than you might be. We grew up in different time periods. There’s nothing wrong with that.” I scooted down the couch to be closer to him, “I don’t want you to be afraid to say no to something because you’re afraid you’ll upset me.”

He nodded,

“You know the thing that upset me the most wasn’t even what happened last night. It sounds stupid, but I missed you at breakfast and everywhere I went in the compound today, you weren’t there. I didn’t know where you were.”

He smiled at me weakly, “You could have called or text. I was just in the city.”  

I looked down at where our fingers were intertwined, “I thought you were avoiding me.” 

“I was trying to give you space because I thought you were upset with me.”

“We really suck at thinking we know how each other is feeling.” I chuckled.

Bucky lifted my chin with his metal finger, “I’m not the best at saying how I feel sometimes.”  

He leaned forward pressing his lips to my forehead. When he pulled back, I looked up at his stormy blue eyes pulling me in like gravity. In one fluid motion, I closed the distance between us again pressing my lips to his. It was a sweet and gentle kiss, unspoken words of forgiveness and love shared. When we finally broke the kiss, I leaned my head in the crook of his neck trying to catch my breath. 

“I think that’s better than my stumbling over words.” Bucky laughed quietly.

“I don’t know, I like your words,” I replied pulling back to look at him again.

“You’re biased,” He kissed me chastely.

“I could get used to that.” I smiled.

He kissed my lips again, then forehead, the tip of my nose, before coming back and finding my lips once again. 

If this was our figure skating routine for the day, I’ll take it as a smooth gliding victory. 

[internaljiujitsu]

5 Realizations That (Finally) Got Me Off The ADHD Treadmill

I used to hate reading books. I did it anyway but couldn’t last more than five or ten minutes before dozing off or having my mind dart away to distant lands. Like the skinny kid with no appetite that had to force feed himself to pack on muscle, I shoved books into my brain because I hated the idea of not being well read more than I hated reading.

As a kid, I often left things undone. — or worn out to the nub. After beginning enthusiastically, I’d soon lose steam and beat myself from pillar to post for quitting. I’d always hang around through the torture just to avoid the sting of giving up again. Once the interest was gone, whatever I was doing became pure misery. This would inevitably lead to mental and physical breakdown, as every cell in my body rejected the reality my mind was accepting.

I got good grades and excelled athletically but always thought I could do better. There seemed to be a gear missing — the one that I just knew could take me to a place that felt right. If I were just better, more disciplined and able to focus more — but I didn’t think I had it in me.

Back then, I didn’t know I was working with a slight disadvantage. While medication has played a crucial role in managing my ADHD, and no doubt would have made a massive difference in my childhood, it’s been just as important to build coping and productivity skills. While ADHD makes it difficult to work for other people, it also challenges your ability to self-regulate. Your perception of time is thrown off, so keeping track of your own schedule can be tough without a system.

Before I ever tried medication, in my forties, I spent my life learning skills to make up for what I saw as inadequacies. I’m thankful that I built a technical foundation before supplementing with chemicals, but eternally grateful for what meds have done for me. Once I was properly diagnosed, I realized that the progress I was able to make on my own was astonishing. Giving myself credit for putting in the work motivated me further. The medication made it all click. It was the missing piece I’d been searching for after years of hard inner and outer training.

Here are my five keys for finally jumping off the ADHD treadmill. Once I inserted these into my belief system, I no longer felt hopeless. The limiting, negative self-talk stopped. It took a long time to finally put everything together, but the results have been life changing.

Meds Are Not Evil

Like a lot of other people, I didn’t believe ADHD was real. My perception was that it was a made up disorder designed by drug companies to pump kids full of personality stifling drugs — an excuse for parents to medicate energetic kids and abdicate responsibility.

Meanwhile, I lived every day in lonely terror, until my symptoms became so overwhelming that I became suicidal. At that point, medicine was my last hope. I read books, meditated, prayed, had countless therapy sessions, including EMDR, and took massive action to change my life — but I hit a healing wall. I needed a boost.

The wiring in my brain makes it so ADHD medication that would make the average person speedy simply makes me feel normal. I am no longer listless and suicidal, disappointed in myself because my aspirations outweigh my self-belief. Before meds, it felt as if I was receiving random radio signals from everywhere. The one that always caught my ear never had anything good to say. Still, my disciplined nature dragged me through my days.

The stigma against medication and the dangerous abuse of these drugs by the general public has left many people unnecessarily living in misery. Prisons and homeless shelters are purgatories for the mislabeled, ignored and discarded members of society unlucky enough to suffer from mental illness. How many of those fortunes could have been altered with the right diagnosis, treatment and protocol?

2. Medication + Discipline = Badass

As a person that uses discipline as therapy, I once thought I could muscle my way through pain. Becoming older in the martial arts world means you have to fight smarter. That’s the trade off — you are wiser and have a much better understanding of your art, but your body does not react the same. Nature seeks balance.

But fuck that. If you take care of yourself, you can whip on the youngins long after your head is covered in gray. Combining experience with conditioning makes you unstoppable. That’s how I see my mental health approach.

If you have no clarity, you won’t make the best choices. You simply can’t see what’s in front of you without a trained eye. The frantic nature of the ADHD mind is like a white belt thrown into what we call the “shark tank.” It’s a relentless onslaught of tough competitors coming in fresh at intervals to continuously beat your ass. No place for white belts. That’s what life feels like off my meds.

The passions that occupy my time have kept my brain buzzing enough to distract me from my buzzing brain. Now that the unwanted chatter is gone, I can feel the good kind of buzz — the warm, fuzzy feeling of loving what I do without feeling like I have to do it.

Would I have preferred avoiding all the pain I felt over the years and just been medicated all along? No. If life didn’t necessitate that I acquire the skills that I have, I wouldn’t have been driven to pursue them. I may have relied too much on the drug. I would not have changed. But I have a feeling the relief of the meds wouldn’t have been enough — It’s just not who I am. I know that now. Eventually, I would have gone searching. At times I almost feel like I have an unfair advantage now. Technical ability and practical experience. Strength and skill. Balance. I’m glad it happened the way it did.

3. You Feel How You Eat

While nutrition has always been important to me for physical fitness, I was more concerned with appearance. As I got older, my focus became increasing my energy levels and feeling better. It wasn’t until after being diagnosed and forming habits around optimizing my abilities that I realized the importance of nutrition for good mental health. Inflammation caused by certain foods is detrimental to brain function and a frequent culprit in ADHD.

Once you’ve gone down a suicidal rabbit whole, giving up gluten is a tiny price to pay for sanity. Not that you know what sanity is — you just know you don’t have it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t give a second thought to the type of food they put in their mouths. Lifestyle is a gigantic factor in mental fitness. Eating foods that promote brain health (fatty fish, blueberries, avocados) and avoiding processed products and sugar will ensure you have the energy and mental clarity to face the day.

4. Your Phone Is A Tool

People love to complain about how their phones have taken over their lives, but we’ve got the most amazing tools ever invented in our pockets. You can read books, listen to podcasts, watch Ted Talks — non stop learning at your fingertips — all the time.

But, with great power comes great responsibility (Stan Lee will never steer you wrong). Just like television can range from “The Sopranos” to “Jersey Shore,” your cell phone can educate or anesthetize you. If you’re not disciplined, your time will be eaten up swiping left to right and “liking” shit you couldn’t care less about.

Take advantage of your calendar and alarm features to schedule everything. Don’t assume you’re gonna remember, because let’s be honest, you’re gonna forget. Use voice memos and notes to keep track of ideas and journal your feelings and thoughts. You know you have to keep yourself occupied, so download the Kindle app and have a book at the ready for down time. Listen to a guided meditation. Take an online course on the go. Learn a new language. It really is endless. Use it wisely, and your phone is the ultimate weapon. No utility belt required.

5. Less Sleep Isn’t Helping

Feeling lazy had me convinced I needed to force myself to do more. That meant getting up earlier so I could get shit done. With a schedule that had me winding down at ten o’clock at night after teaching martial arts classes, it was tough to go right to bed. If I wasn’t careful, I’d lose a half hour of sleep here and there because I wanted to stay up watching television (which miraculously has a way of leading to chips or ice cream). Arnold Schwarzzenegger famously said that you should learn to sleep faster if you can’t get by on six hours of sleep. After years of insisting on shutting down for a minimum of 7–8 hours to promote physical recovery from training, I tried getting by on just 5–6 hours. No dice.

My brain and body just don’t work the same. The sleep I was getting wasn’t all that restful either. I’d frequently wake up during the night feeling restless. It wasn’t until I developed sleep rituals that I began falling asleep quickly and getting a deeper rest. With repetition, my body and mind got used to the same sequence of events every night leading up to bed time. Once I trained my brain, my body knew what to do as soon as my head hit the pillow.

By now, I’ve learned that seven hours is my sweet spot. Eight clean hours can make me feel like superman (mental note: start sleeping eight hours a night).

Recent research suggests ADHD symptoms are often a result of insufficient restful sleep. Sleep deprivation also exacerbates symptoms in kids and adults with ADHD. Your physical and emotional state is undoubtedly better when you get sufficient rest. Staying up late into the night with unproductive bullshit is a mistake, but so is getting by on five hours because you want to prove you’re a tough grinder. You simply won’t be functioning as well. It’s self-sabotage.

There is no magic pill to fix you. If you think of meds that way, you’ll be putting scotch tape on a gunshot wound. You’ve gotta stop the bleeding. Dig the bullet out. Repair the internal damage — then stitch it up. You’ve gotta let it heal and start actively rehabilitating if you want to get stronger. It’s not going to happen by accident or by divine intervention — even though it may feel like that in the end.

Although I’ve developed a good arsenal of skills to maximize my mental wellbeing, I still want to continue growing. My next step will be scanning my brain to understand what areas are being over or under stimulated and adjusting my lifestyle accordingly. As Dr. Daniel Amen, one of the nation’s foremost psychiatrists and a leading expert on brain health says, “Did you know that psychiatrists are the only medical specialists that virtually never look at the organ they treat? Think about it. Cardiologists look, neurologists look, orthopedic doctors look, virtually every other medical specialist looks — psychiatrists guess.”

It seems so obvious now that I want to run out and get my brain scanned as I write this. I’m excited to discover what changes I can make to improve my performance and sense of well being. Brain imaging will provide a road map.

No matter the cards you’ve been dealt, planning and hard work can help you become who you want to be. No circumstance is a limitation to an open mind. There are always ways to improve if you’re willing to search long enough. Luckily for me, I tend to get a little obsessed.

[starry-satoru]

BTS Reactions: Cheating- Part Two (Maknae Line)

A/N: Look who finally got motivated to write! It’s literally been months and I’m so sorry. This is the second part of my first ever writing on here! I know most of you wanted this to have a happy ending, and some of them will, but not all of them. So, if you like fluff and angst, then this will be for you! I do not condone cheating in any way, nor do I believe the boys would do anything like this. This writing is merely for entertainment purposes. Enjoy! 

P.S., the hyung line is next!

Read Part One HERE

Genre: Angst/fluff

Warnings: Swearing

Requested?: Yes

Jimin

You had been at Taehyung’s apartment for the past week. Although he tried, not even your best friend could pull you out of the hole you had fallen into. All you could do was mope around with a blanket pulled protectively around your shoulders. You ate only when Tae wouldn’t stop pestering you and showers were few and far between. Feeling miserable and gross wasn’t ideal, but it was the best you could do given the circumstances.

Jimin had called you exactly 78 times and left a voicemail after each one. You told Taehyung you didn’t listen to them, but late at night when all you wanted was to hear his voice and feel his arms wrapped around you, those messages were your lullabies. Jimin hadn’t tried to come to Tae’s place yet, but you knew it was only a matter of time before you would have to see him again.

“(Y/N), please eat. That’s all I ask. Please,” Taehyung begged, his eyes tired. You hadn’t even realized you were just pushing the food he had fixed around your plate.

“I’m sorry, Tae.” You slowly began to eat, your mind still miles away to where Jimin was no doubt wallowing in his own misery. At least he deserved it.  

“I think you should see him.”

Tae’s comment nearly made you choke on your food.

“W-what?” You brought your eyes up to meet his but he was looking down at his hands, which were folded neatly on the table. He looked like he meant business.

“We’ve been talking, me and the other boys. As you know, promotions for our comeback start next week, and Jimin is completely out of it. We can’t have him in front of the world in this condition. It’s not fair to our fans, and I know it probably sounds selfish, but-”

“I’ll do it.” Now it was his turn to look at you in surprise.

“Really? I’m not saying you have to forgive him by any means, but you both just need some closure.”

“Call him over. I’d rather not go back to his place. Too many memories,” you told him, standing up from the table. “I’m going to shower. Tell him to be here in an hour.” 

Tae looked shocked but he quickly pulled out his phone and dialed Jimin’s number. You didn’t know what had gotten into you, but you knew you had to claw your way out of this hole somehow and this was the first step.

You paced Taehyung’s living room nervously, your hair still damp from the shower. Jimin would be there any minute and you had no clue what you were going to say to him. You had never been in this position before and you wouldn’t care to be ever again. Tae, there for moral support,  seemed almost as nervous as you as he sat on his couch and stared off into space. A quiet knock on the door brought you both back to reality. Taehyung was about to move off the couch when you held your hand up and shook your head. You took a deep breath and opened the door.

“(Y/N),” Jimin mumbled, the sound nearly bringing you to your knees. You stepped out of the doorway, hinting for him to come inside. He took a shaky step in and you shut the door behind him. He looked how you felt. His hair was unkempt, his eyes were bloodshot, and his face was lifeless. Even after what he did, the sight still turned the pieces of your hurt into dust. 

“(Y/N), I’m-”

“N-no, let me speak,” you interrupted, your voice coming out in a croak. Jimin nodded imperceptibly, his eyes never leaving your face. Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest and land right back in his hands, but you couldn’t let that happen.

“Jimin, the last week has been complete hell for me. I’ve hardly eaten, I can’t sleep, and today was the first time I’ve taken a shower in two days. You did this to me, Jimin. You completely tore my heart into pieces after promising not to.” Your voice was barely above a whisper, but it was steady and that’s all you wanted. 

You held your closed hand between the two of you and he held his palm out. Without a second thought, you dropped the promise ring he had given you for your one year anniversary into his open hand. Jimin didn’t move, the ring still staring back at you, taunting you with promises unkept. A tear rolled down Jimin’s cheek and you resisted the urge to wipe it away.

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N). You deserved better. I’m so sorry.” More tears followed his apology and you found yourself getting choked up. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. You repeated it like a mantra in your head and it seemed to work.

“I know you’re sorry, Jimin, but that doesn’t change anything. We need to try to move on because you and I both know we can’t go back to what we had. At least not for a while,” you replied, trying to remain as emotionless as possible.

Jimin nodded, a glimmer of hope in his eyes at your words. “ I won’t give up on us, (Y/N). I’ll miss you. So much.”

“I’ll miss you, too, Jimin.”

And you would, but you weren’t ready to forgive him...not yet. 

Taehyung

The past few months had been complete and utter hell for you. Ever since you kicked Taehyung out of your shared apartment you’ve been debating with what path to take. The first month was mainly spent crying while you watched clips of Taehyung on Youtube. It was the only way you were able to see how he was doing. You had pretty much cut off all forms of communication with the boys and, of course, Tae. You didn’t want to risk anyone attempting to sway your mind one way or the other.

The second month was spent being angry. You still refused to talk to Taehyung, however, that didn’t stop you from typing out your feelings into the text box before deleting it with a huff. You stopped watching videos of him. It only lit your heart on fire in the worst of ways, and it had caused you to abuse your pillows more than enough. You wanted to scream at him and make him feel as shitty as you did, but instead, you simply removed every trace of him from the apartment.

The third month was spent wanting him back. You hated yourself for it. In your mind, cheating was always a black and white situation. It was inexcusable and unforgivable. You were wrong. Now that you had experienced it, you realized that it wasn’t all that simple. Oh how you wish it was though, but when it comes to matters of the heart, nothing is easy. You had learned that much over the last three months.

As you sat in your apartment, trying to figure out how to navigate these feelings, you recalled the some of the last words Taehyung said to you...

“I will always love you, (Y/N). Please don’t forget that. If you ever decide to give me another chance, you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting for you.”

You had decided, and you needed to find Tae now.

As you arrived at BigHit, you met Namjoon out front. He immediately opened his arms and pulled you in. You let out a shaky sigh and held him tight.

“I’m sorry for what happened, (Y/N). I should’ve kept a closer eye on him. I don’t know what got into him,” he mumbled.

“No, Joon. You don’t have to apologize for him. Tae is a grown man and he made his decision. There was nothing you could’ve done,” you reassured him. He pulled away and nodded slowly.

“Well, I will say that he’s been beating himself up for it ever since. He’s...well, I’ll just let you see for yourself,” he said, escorting you inside and up to the practice rooms.

“He should be in there by himself. The rest of the boys are on break and I told him I needed to talk to him by himself. Good luck, (Y/N).” He flashed you a slight smile and walked off to join the others, leaving you alone at the door. You took a deep breath and pushed it open. Tae’s back was to you but he must’ve seen your reflection in the mirrors because he turned around quickly upon your entrance. He didn’t say anything, he just stared at you like he couldn’t believe you were actually in front of him. He looked so different. His chubby cheeks you used to squeeze lovingly were nowhere to be seen. He had lost what you were sure was an unhealthy amount of weight. There was no light in his eyes. His boxy smile probably hadn’t made a real appearance in months. It broke your heart.

“Tae…,” you whispered, tears forming in your eyes. Your voice was all it took to send him into motion. He rushed across the room and pulled you tightly into his embrace. You breathed in his familiar scent and felt the tears begin to stream down your cheeks.

“I’m so, so, so sorry, (Y/N). I’m an asshole and I sure as hell don’t deserve to have you in my arms again, but I am so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you so damn much,” he said, sniffling loudly. You felt his tears fall onto the exposed skin of your neck.

“I’ve missed you, too, but,” you pulled away from him and looked him in the eyes, “that doesn’t change what you did. You broke me, Tae, and it will take a while for me to be whole again, but I still want you by my side throughout the process.”

Taehyung nodded. “Of course, baby. Nothing else matters to me except for your happiness. I promise I’ll never be the cause of your pain again.” He pulled you into his arms again and placed a lingering kiss on your forehead. “I love you so much, (Y/N). Not having you here nearly killed me. I’ll never let you go again.”

You giggled, “So, it looks like I’m stuck with you forever, huh?”

Tae flashed you his adorable smile and nodded. “Forever.”

Jungkook

“What the fuck do you want, Jungkook?”

The harshness of your tone startled him and he took a small step back.

“I-I wanted to talk to you, (Y/N). Please,” he begged, his eyes wide and desperate.

“I have nothing to say to you. I walked in on you fucking another girl and there’s really nothing more to it, so if you could show yourself out, then that would be great,” you gave him a fake smile and moved to shut the door, but he held it open. Damn, you forgot how strong he was.

“Please, just let me apologize to you,” he insisted. You thought for a second and then let the door go, causing Jungkook to stumble inside your apartment.

“H-hyung?” His eyes immediately landed on Namjoon, who was sitting on your couch. Namjoon avoided his gaze.

“Jungkook, you have 5 minutes,” you told him, but he couldn’t stop staring at his fellow band member.

“What are you doing here, hyung?” Jungkook’s voice was barely audible and you could tell he was trying to hold back tears. He was never one to show his emotions so easily, but he was struggling.

You quickly moved directly in front of him, shielding Namjoon from the younger man’s increasingly withering gaze. The last thing you wanted was for Jungkook to do anything impulsive.

“He’s been helping me through this mess, Jungkook. The mess you caused, just in case it had slipped your mind. He’s been a great friend.” You turned and smiled at Namjoon who blushed and looked at the ground.

Jungkook scoffed, “So that’s how it’s going to be, (Y/N)? You’re going to move on and start fucking my friend before you even hear me out?”

“Hey, don’t you dare speak to her like that,” Namjoon yelled, breaking his silence. He got up off the couch and you held your hand out, keeping him out of arm's reach of Jungkook. You could hear Namjoon huffing in anger and if you hadn’t been there, you were sure he would’ve done something he regretted. 

“I can’t believe you two. It’s barely been two months and yet here you are. Pathetic,” Jungkook spat, his face contorted in anger. You had never seen him like that and it unsettled you.

“Well, Jungkook, you didn’t even wait until our relationship was over until you slept with someone else, so excuse me for moving on after we were officially done,” you said, trying to remain calm. You couldn’t quite believe what he was saying. Did he really forget what happened in Japan?

“So you two are a thing?” He asked quietly.

“Maybe we are, but, quite frankly, that’s none of your business anymore, Jungkook. Now, I do believe your five minutes are up,” you told him, trying to move him towards the door.

“How could you, hyung?” Jungkook asked, refusing to move.

“Jungkook,” Namjoon sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t expect you to understand, and I certainly don’t expect you to be too fond of me right now, but I like (Y/N).” He shrugged and shook his head, “And there’s really not much either of us can do about that.” With that, Jungkook turned and left, slamming the door behind him.

“I’m sorry, Joon. He wasn’t supposed to find out this soon, but you out of all people know how relentless he can be when he wants to,” you sighed and leaned into Namjoon’s arms.

“It’s not your fault. It would’ve happened sooner or later,” he mumbled, holding you tight against his chest.

“Did I ruin everything between you two?” You wondered aloud.

“No, he’ll be okay eventually. Just like you.”

                                                -One Year Later-

BTS had just recently made a comeback, and, in your humble opinion, it was probably one of their strongest. This was certainly cause for celebration, which brought you all together at BigHit. All the producers, stylists, and managers were there to have a good time, their hard work having paid off. Of course, all the boys were there as well. It was the first time since the incident at your apartment that you would be seeing Jungkook. You weren’t really nervous per say, but you were slightly on edge because you weren’t sure how he was holding up. It had been a year but that didn’t mean much. Jungkook could hold grudges.

Namjoon lingered by your side, making conversation with everyone coming up and congratulating him on their success. You would smile and nod every so often if someone said something to you, but you mainly nursed your champagne and waited for the inevitable. You nearly dropped your glass when you felt a tap on your shoulder. Turning around slowly, you were met with Jungkook’s shy gaze. Namjoon turned around as well and looked at you after noticing who it was. His eyes silently asked if you were good on your own and you nodded imperceptibly so he headed off to the other side of the room.

“Hey, (Y/N),” Jungkook greeted you sheepishly.

“Hi, Jungkook,” you replied politely.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m doing pretty great actually,” you smiled, looking across the room at Namjoon who winked slyly at you, causing a blush to creep onto your cheeks.

“I’m glad. D-does he treat you well?” He scratched the back of his neck nervously and looked down at his shoes.

“He does, Jungkook. We’re very happy.”

He nodded slowly and smiled. “I’m glad. Really, (Y/N). You deserve it after what I put you through.”

“Hey, that’s all in the past now. You can stop feeling guilty. You should be having a good time right now. We are here to celebrate your guys’ accomplishments, not to reminisce on the past.”

“You’re right, you’re right. Thanks for everything, (Y/N). You two are a great couple. Practically made for each other.”

You laughed and blushed again. “Thanks, Jungkook.” You pulled him into a hug before walking over to your boyfriend.

“Hey, is he okay?” Namjoon asked you.

“Yeah,” you replied, glancing back at Jungkook who was laughing with Jin and a couple of girls, “he’s doing just fine.”

“And you?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.

You smiled softly. “I’m doing perfect, Joon. Absolutely perfect.”

[sserpente]

In a heartbeat (Chapter 26)

A/N: Heyho there my lovelies! Enjoy this new chapter. I certainly did!

He followed you into the kitchen without hesitation, watched you prepare the counter. What about some vegetables and chicken? It was simple, fast and most importantly, it was delicious.

Humming happily, you took the ingredients from your fridge and poured some oil into two frying pans. Loki never took his blue eyes off you. It was amusing, really. Back on Sakaar, he had been the one in charge, knowing how to act to survive but here… here you knew what to do. You were independent and strong and it made you feel so sexy it was practically radiating off of you. Loki seemed to notice too. Perhaps this was the reason he kept following you around like a little dog.

Once you had turned on the hob, you took a breadboard and a knife from one of the kitchen drawers and got to work. Right after washing the vegetables—some pepper, corn and carrots, you started cutting them into mouth-sized little pieces.

Loki sat down at the kitchen table. His blue gaze fixed on your busy hands.

“Have you practised in my absence?”

Surprised, you looked up. It took you a moment to get what he meant. “Practised what?”

“Combat. Throwing knives.” He said.

“Oh. No, not really. I haven’t exactly had a lot of time for that lately… or motivation.” And I was trying to avoid anything that reminds me of you, you added silently as you finished chopping the vegetables and continued to slice the meat after pouring them all into the pan and seasoning them a little.

The same you did to the meat once it was done.

“How long will it take?” Loki asked, cocking his head towards the frying pans.

“Give it a few minutes.”

“Hm…” He stood. Smirking, he walked around the table so slowly you felt the urge to back away. It was a dangerous smirk. Mischievous and cunning, promising no good. He had smirked at you like that when training with you and oh, he had come so close…

“I fear I might not be able to wait this long. I would much rather eat something… else.”

Your face fell, your heart skipping a beat as he lifted you off the ground without any forewarning and carried you over to the kitchen table. Loki had obviously taken a liking into carrying you around. You felt your sex pulsating with lust already as you bit your lower lip and looked up at him in joyful anticipation, watching him as he tore down your trousers and underwear. There they went, together with your shoes, a useless pile on the floor.

The God of Mischief licked his lower lips as he eyed your glistening pussy like a feast after parting your legs for proper access.

“Loki,” you whispered. “I’ve never done this before.”

He smirked in response. “I promise to make you like it, little minx.” And with that, he buried his face between your legs.

The moment his thin lips touched your petals, you were moaning shamelessly in defeat. Throwing your head back in pure pleasure, you jerked every single time his tongue darted out to taste your juices, flick over your clit or circle your entrance teasingly. He pushed his tongue into you, lapping up your arousal and groaning approvingly before focusing on your most sensitive bundle of nerves. He nibbled on it, sucked it into his mouth, played with it with his tongue and even gently bit it.

He was so invested in eating you out he had closed his eyes.

“Ohhh… Loki…” There was no way to control it. Bucking your hips to meet him, your hands covered his. He had gripped your thighs tightly, making sure you did not back away from him. He groaned once more when you buried them in his raven hair, the vibrations of his smooth voice sending you straight over the edge.

Loki kept on licking your pussy until you stopped shaking and twitching, your juices coating his mouth. He could taste your orgasm.

There was a cold shiver on your wet sex when he pulled away, licking his lips lusciously. They were glistening with your arousal.

“You taste ravishing, little minx.”

Panting, you giggled at him, allowed him to pull you close and kiss you. You could taste yourself on him, your eyes falling shut as you wrapped your arms around him and slipped your tongue into his mouth.

“I love you…” You murmured. And every single time you said it, it felt even better. You knew he would not say it back right away. You did not expect him to and you certainly would not force him to.

Loki seemed to have read your thoughts, for this time, he did react to it.

“The last person I have spoken these words to has disappointed me greatly.” He spoke gently.

You smiled. “I will not disappoint you, never.”

Peaceful silence spread between you, the room filled with only your breathing. For a couple of minutes, you simply rested there, you on the table in his arms, half-naked and him, holding you like a treasure chest.

“The food…” You breathed out eventually. Loki smirked.

While you brought the food to the kitchen table after cleaning it properly to eat on again, Loki’s words back in the office still hummed in your brain like a hive. My woman… What was it he had planned for you? Bringing you back to Norway, to live among Asgardians? You had heard him talking to Thor a few nights before your departure—that it would be unwise to keep mortals with them, for they lived a whole different way of life. And now, he wanted you to be with him? You were glad, beyond happy of course, still, however, you would only love to learn what was going on inside that brilliant mind of his.

He hadn’t even told you he loved you, claiming he was scared to get disappointed and now he already wanted you to live with him. Technically, what Loki had done to you wasn’t nice. It wasn’t nice at all.

Loki groaned approvingly while shoving the first bite of your late lunch into his mouth. A giggle escaped your lips.

“I’m glad you like it.” You said amused, emptying your own plate in no time. Apparently, orgasms made you even hungrier—a good thing to know. “I… Loki, can I ask you something?” You added more serious then.

“You just did, little minx.”

Rolling your eyes, you gently kicked him in the shin. This was important. Sitting at the kitchen table and eating with him proved to pose the perfect time to talk.

“I mean… why now? After four months? Did you plan this?” You asked coyly, hiding the rising anger in your voice.  The thin bubble you were floating in threatened to pop with a start. Yet this was something you needed to know. You had been avoiding it for way too long already.

“I did not. I believed my mind would no longer bother me with thoughts about you once you left.” Ouch. “I have never harboured proper romantic feelings for a woman before. I must admit… it took me a while to realise. Back on Sakaar I never wondered why I kept you around for a long time.” Until he understood he cared for you? “The day you left… I almost held you back.” Romantic feelings. Your heart skipped a beat.

He must have been convinced he would forget you—just like you had attempted to forget him. But it hadn’t worked. Fate hate bound you together the first day you had met in New York City. The way you had looked at him… back then, you could never have imagined to once be telling this man you loved him. But you did.

“I could not be sure you felt the same, I only assumed it… until we almost kissed. When Thor reported you were feeling unwell, I knew there was only one reason why. You were devastated the day you found out about Valkyrie’s and my engagement.” He continued, noticing idly you wanted answers.

“The longest time I was convinced you would never even look at me twice. Compared to her, I am mortal, and weak and—“

“You are not weak, (Y/N).” Surprised, you looked up again, meeting his blue eyes.

“I-I… I just never had any hopes. That’s why I never told you.” You would die for him. You had known the day you had fought with him on the rainbow bridge. It took you a moment to process his words. “I mean… You assumed… and still, you decided to announce your dumb marriage right in front of me? You knew I was devastated? What the hell, Loki?”

The God of Mischief frowned. “I hardly had a choice in that matter, little minx.”

“You had the choice to tell me earlier, Loki. Valkyrie is the woman who told you you’re a monster, in case you have forgotten. Do you have any idea how I felt? I was on a different planet, for Fuck’s sake, I was the only human, my best friend had gotten killed by an evil goddess and I was so fucking scared! As if this wasn’t bad enough already…” Frankly, you had no idea where this sudden rage was coming from. It felt like with a start, all of this bottled anger now broke free with Loki shattering the glass to millions of tiny pieces.

“You cried the day you left.” Did it break your heart as well as mine?

“Oh, really?” You remarked sarcastically instead.

Loki glared at you now, his blue gaze darkening threateningly. “Watch your tone.” Your face fell, your lips parting in shock.

“Excuse me?! You don’t get to order me to be quiet, do you hear me? Loki… you showed up here after months. You… I… do you realise how relieved I was? How relieved I still am that you are here although you should probably be planning a bloody wedding right now? But that… that doesn’t mean you can bully me about!” You bellowed.

“I am not bullying you about.” Still, Loki was oddly calm. It drove you insane.

“No? What about Ricardo? You forbad me to meet him before subtly telling me that you are my king and I am to obey you. What happened, is the air in Norway too thin? You just… you don’t get to kiss me like you did without explaining things.” You never noticed the tears forming in your eyes. You were devastated. Happy and angry and sad at the very same time. Why was love so complicated?

Finally, Loki snapped, the bubble popped with a start. His nostrils flared as he took a deep breath, his lips pressed together to a thin line.

Were you being unfair? You knew what Loki had been through and how he had never experienced proper love. Maybe this was his way of proving he loved you too, even if he did not yet say it out loud. But… this wasn’t your fault. Loki had some apologising to do. Just because you saw the world around you through pink glasses, that didn’t mean you were going to let him treat you like that, even if you had to destroy the perfect afterglow of a passionate oral sex session.

“What was I supposed to do?! What do you want me to say to you, (Y/N)?!”

“WELL, HOW ABOUT ‘I’M SORRY’?!”

The God of Mischief silenced. Taking a step back, his lips parted as if he was unsure of what to say.

“(Y/N)… I am not one of those men you read about in books. I am not the hero in your story.”

Your lower lip was shaking when you answered him. “I don’t want you to be the hero, I want you, I fell for you. You just… you hurt me. More than you might think. I … I want to know if you even care about—“

Loki shut you up by pressing his lips against yours. With but a single, determined step, he stood and had wrapped you in his arms, phrasing with actions what he could not phrase with words. It was ironic, was it not? Loki, the Trickster, the silver tongue, unable to pick the right words to direct at the woman he… loved? Did he love you, truly? You did believe that he did. This… this was his way to say sorry.

“What happens now, Loki?” You whispered when he pulled away, still hugging you tightly. “I mean… you’re the king, you’ll eventually have to go back, won’t you?”

“Yes,” he confirmed. “But I will not leave you here, little minx.”

“So you… really want to take me with you?”

Loki frowned. “Would you not want that? You seem rather horrified by the thought.”

“No, I do! Of course, I want to be with you … I just don’t speak Norwegian. I rather like my job too, I love it, in fact. It’s just… fast. And what about Valkyrie?” Besides, you have chosen it for me, not asked me about it first, you added silently. You only kept quiet because his bossiness somewhat aroused you as well and that both terrified and excited you.

“Norwegian is hardly a language you could not learn. It would not be the first time for me to teach you, now would it?” He smirked. “You will still be able to work—if that is what you wish. The Valkyrie is none of your concerns. I will see to it she behaves around us. If she does not…” He raised his eyebrows and faked a smile. “…I shall banish her.”

There was another question, of course. Who exactly would you become in this new Asgard? Loki’s lover? Some kind of secret whore he screwed when the people did not look? You highly doubted this. What was his intention? He could not possibly want you to become… his queen?

“Now come.” He said, waiting patiently for you to finally finish your plate. “I believe you promised me that luscious mouth of yours.”

You would think about it later. Your brain was malfunctioning whenever he said dirty things like that.

A/N: And all was well? Hmmmm... I’m not so sure... what do you think? ;-)

[stereksummerexchange]

Mind’s a Mess

@inatshej

by @septima-sum

“This is our new student,” Finstock tells the class. “Derek Hale! Go easy on him, you rabid monsters.”

Stiles gets a burst of anxiety from the new kid. For a moment, he hears Derek’s thoughts loud and clear. I hate First Days. I never get used to the staring. Play it cool, damn it. Play it cool.

Stiles winces in sympathy. Yeah, First Days suck.

To Derek’s credit, he looks as bored and disaffected as he possibly can while introducing himself to twenty new people who will mercilessly judge every single one of his moves. His tells them that his family moved here from New York, which sounds cool until he mentions the upstate part. He has three siblings. Two of them also go this school, while is older sister is off to college. He likes gaming, movies, and food, by which he means eating rather than preparing. He’s also a werewolf. “And that’s it, mostly,” he concludes.

Okay, the last part is probably not something that comes up in most introductions, but that sort of info is par for the course in Beacon Hills. Everybody is something in this town. When Derek is finished with the introduction, he scans the rows of chairs and – hurray! – ends up claiming the free place next to Stiles. He’s slumping into it as if he wishes he could disappear. Makes himself smaller than he is. Observes everything.

Stiles very much wants to read his thoughts, really read his thoughts, deliberately, but doesn’t. He had many a talk with Ms. Morell why privacy is sacrosanct. Being born a telepath, it was a tough thing to learn. He’s always caught snippets of thoughts here and there, even if he didn’t want to. As soon as he could talk, that got him in trouble big time. Like when he’d mentioned the divorce to Scott, who hadn’t known about it. (And neither had his dad, actually).

Great powers beget great fuck-ups.

Speaking of which, Finstock’s cell phone goes off and prompts him to argue with the poor person calling him. “Are you kidding me? That’s why it’s called an insurance – no – that’s the literal definition of the word!” He scowls at the class as if they are to blame for his predicament. “You do group work until I get back! No shenanigans! I’m looking at you, Greenberg.”

“Stop picking on Greenberg,” a girl in the last row yells.

“I’m not playing favorites! I hate all of you!” Finstock shouts and slams the door shut.

“Wow.” Derek seems bewildered, to put it mildly. “Is he always like that?”

Stiles grins. “My sweet summer child… that’s nothing. Wait until he recruits you into the Lacrosse team and gives one of his motivational pre-game speeches. Now that’s a spectacle.”

Derek processes that. “Can’t wait,” he says dubiously.

“What’s up with the whole Clark Kent thing?” Stiles asks him, motioning to Derek’s bulky black glasses and his whole… vibe.  Like the plaid button-down shirt that strains to fit around his athletic form, or the very neat hairstyle that makes him appear like an engineering student form the 1950s.  He seems like the world’s least convincing nerd. As an actual nerd, Stiles feels compelled to defend the honor of his brethren.

Derek corrects the position of his glasses. “Clark Kent?”

“You know, Superman?” Stiles asks in a tone of profound derision. Jesus. They don’t make ‘em any brighter these days, do they.

“I know Superman,” Derek says. He sounds insulted, which, fair point, he has every right to be. “Kal-El from Krypton, created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster in 1938. I’m just wondering if you’re talking about the Pre-Crisis or Post-Crisis versions? The Golden Age? Silver Age? Bronze? Or maybe you’re talking about Bizarro Superman.”

“Um,” Stiles utters eloquently. This is not going the way he imagined it would go.

“If you mean the 1930s version, you’re practically describing me as an aggressive vigilante, so thanks for that. Or maybe you think I’m the archetype of the brave-hearted hero with a strong sense of justice, morality and righteousness? Like the version from the 1940s onward? Maybe. But you could also mean that I resemble the recent DCEU version, where Superman is deeply distrustful, doesn’t give a crap about human lives and the entire heroic arc is all about his ego. That comparison I would find offensive, frankly.”

“Uhhh… well.” It’s possible that Stiles’ knees turn a little weak. “I just meant because of the glasses and your whole suppressed jock vibe,” he says. “Dude, I don’t know you well enough to even guess which moral belief system you ascribe to!”

Derek considers this. “If you have to make a comparison at all, compare me to the classic Post-Crisis version,” he says earnestly. “And I’m not a jock, suppressed or otherwise.”

“Ok,” Stiles says, bewildered. “Yeah, I’ll… I’ll keep that in mind. Fine. But really, what’s up with the glasses? Wolves have perfect vision.”

Derek seems to deflate. “I know, and so do hunters. My family insist I tried to blend in as much as possible. I’ve worn glasses for years.”

That Stiles didn’t expect at all. “Really? Wow.” He’s been so used to living in the little bubble that is Beacon Hills that he forgot what it’s like out there. “This town is warded. We haven’t had hunter activity in, like, decades. You couldn’t find a safer place anywhere on this planet.”

Derek looks unconvinced but doesn’t voice his doubts.

-

Truth to be told, Stiles is envious.

Of Scott, who lives for the full moons, for the nights spent running through the Preserve, where he can unleash his powers and feel at peace with himself. Of Kira, whose mother instructed her in the ways of kitsunes since she was a little girl. Even a little bit of Jackson, lizard freak that he is, because even he can display his kanima self in this town whenever he wishes to.

In contrast, telepathic abilities are intrusive by their very nature. Not something to be cherished and celebrated – they’re a problem to be managed.

Which is why Stiles loved loved loved the family trip to Chicago last year. Just being in the city and opening himself up, listening to the hundreds of voices streaming past him. He figured he wouldn’t do any harm that way, not if he couldn’t tell whose thoughts he was emerging himself in… but really, in all likelihood that was probably a convenient lie he told himself.

-

Derek sits with them at lunch. He learns that Scott, Erica, Boyd, and Isaac are werewolves. He learns that Lydia is a banshee and Kira a kitsune.

It’s with the familiar nervousness that Stiles tells him he’s a telepath.

Oh shit, Derek’s mind yells. A telepath? Is he reading my thoughts now? Does he know I think he’s CUTE?

Stiles, under the greatest effort known to humankind up to this point, manages not to do a tap dance in the middle of the cafeteria. He closes his mind, but it’s too late to forget what he just learned. Cute. Derek thinks he’s cute!  

“You can read thoughts?” Derek asks out loud, an anxious edge to his oh-so casual question.

“Yeah,” Stiles confirms and fiddles with his napkin.

“Are you reading everyone’s thoughts here?”

“Absolutely not,” Stiles says and acts extra annoyed because of his latent guilt. “There are rules and guidelines. I have ethics to consider, man. Not that I’m interested in the dull inner workings of you unwashed furballs anyway.” The last part he says to all of the werewolves at the table.

“Like we’re interested in your inner workings either,” Erica says sweetly.

Yelping, Stiles ducks as Isaac throws a crumbled paper at him, but it still hits him right in the center of his face. Curse that scarf-wearing annoyance with his impeccable aim.

“You should really try out the Lacrosse team,” Scott tells Derek. “You look like you’d be a good fit!”

“He means that you’re built like a brick house,” Boys says. “And just for the record, I agree. Come to one of our open training sessions, check it out. There’s no harm in that.” 

Derek hesitates. He’s worried, that much Stiles can tell even without working his telepathic mojo.

“I haven’t really played sports yet,” Derek says. “At school, I mean. My mother was always worried I would be too good at it and would give my werewolf identity away.”

That earns him a few looks a pity, but Scott also slings his arm around his shoulders and tells him it’s all going to be fine.

And maybe for the first time that day, Derek believes them.

-

 Growing up, Stiles watched his parent interact with ease, often communicating mentally instead of verbally. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to him.

Sometimes Stiles will visit Claudia’s grave and the wind will ruffle his hair… almost with purpose, almost lovingly – and he’ll imagine it’s her. He’ll imagine that something of her is left behind; a fragment, a piece or her mind. In those moments, he allows himself to believe she watches over him still.

-

Stiles learns that Derek likes to run first thing in the morning, when the dawn is just breaking and the air is still chilly and damp.

He also collects graphic novels and studies for tests with a single-minded intensity that is nothing short of impressive.

Most of the time he’s so quiet that his deadpan humor all hits them a second too late, surprising them into fits of laughter.

And yes, Derek is great at Lacrosse – which irks Jackson to no end and delights everyone else.

-

They’re supposed to study together, but Stiles can’t focus on electrostatic charge right now.

Because: cute.

It’s unhealthy how often Stiles obsesses about that one word and ponders its many connotations. Why didn’t Derek ask him out yet? Why? It can’t be for the lack of puns about bisexuality, because Stiles didn’t spare him those. And yeah, it’s not like Derek is obligated to make a move, he hardly needs to ask out every person he found attractive for one split second, but… but.

“Stiles,” Derek sighs and closes the book he was reading with a thud. He looks at his friend with fond annoyance. “I feel like this would be so much simpler if you just read my damn mind.”

“You mean that?” Stiles asks, nearly breathlessly.

“I do.”

And that’s how it all begins.

For the lovely inatshej and their prompt: I love friends to lovers, preferebly high school, human, light angst with a fluffy ending, maybe nerd Derek.

[euphxmia-pxtter-blog]

Changing (a Jily fanfic)

James heaved a sigh, reclining on his bed and covering his face with his hands. It was late in the evening, after a busy day of O.W.L. testing and outdoor conflict. Two of his roommates were still down at dinner, but he'd been tired and his third roommate wanted to study, for some bizarre reason. "You really shouldn't have jinxed him, James." The black-haired boy lowered his hands to look at the speaker. /'You really should have spoken up sooner, Remus,'/ he almost snarked, but he bit back the comment. It wasn't fair, he knew. It wasn't his friend's job to control him. Instead, the look he fixed his brunet roommate with was serious. "I know that, Moony, I always know." He sat up, leaning forward to emphasize his words. "Dark magic, Moons. That's what he's into. He always goes on about being best friends with Evans or whatever, but before today I'm pretty sure she was the only muggleborn in the school he hadn't called 'mudblood' at least once. All that blood purity bullshit, and and a ton of seriously evil magic! That guy is /swimming/ in the Dark Arts, and it just drives me up the damn wall." It was Remus's turn to sigh. "I know. Believe me, I've got no love for the little slimeball, but it's not worth the trouble. There are more like him, loads more, and hexing the shit out of one greasy punk won't stop them from going around talking about dirty blood- muggles, half-breeds...." James felt a strong twinge of guilt. "Ah, Moony, I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget how directly this stuff affects you, and I really shouldn't." Remus shook his head. "It's alright, I get it. They tend not to mention /my/ kind at all unless something actually happened, whereas they're always out jeering about 'mudbloods' and the plague of nonmagical blood running in wizard veins." James shrugged. "Still." "If the futility of your actions isn't a significant enough motivator, how about how your darling redhead obsession will never fancy you if you keep acting like an arrogant git your whole life." James raised his eyebrows, smirking now. "Now, that wasn't very nice." "I count it as constructive criticism," Remus informed him. "Calling me an arrogant git is constructive?" "If it helps convince you to be less of one, then I'd say yeah." They looked at each other for a moment. Then James let out another heavy breath and slumped back onto his pillows. "Maybe," was his only further comment. __________ Fifth year had been long. Long and hard and exhausting, for a myriad of reasons. The schoolwork, of course, was harder leading up to O.W.L.s. There was more homework, too. Plus there was that pesky minor incident of her best friend of over five years calling her a racial slur in front of a crowd of people. Oh, and the ongoing torture of sharing a House with James Potter. It was over now, though. It was the last night of the school year, and then she'd be boarding the train home, away from mountains of assignments and ex-best friends and messy-haired assholes. Just one more night. And like every last night of the year in Gryffindor, there was a party going on. It was loud- the room pulsed with music partially covered by the chattering of all Lily's Housemates. She herself had never much liked the chaos of these things, but she did like the songs and the food and dancing with her friends. She danced until her feet hurt too badly to continue and then pushed aside some legs to collapse onto a couch chair. Her eyes swept the room absently, passing over all the familiar faces. When they passed one face, though, they stopped. For a moment, Lily had no idea why. It was just Potter, sitting and talking to Black like always. Except it /wasn't/ like always, because despite the raging party around them, Potter's face was solemn, without humor. His hand was on Black's shoulder, and he was uttering something that looked like reassurances of some kind, only it was too loud to hear for sure. Still not really sure why she cared, Lily strained her ears and managed to pick up some of the words. "...if you keep your head down and avoid the both of them," he was saying. "I hate you going back there to those vile, evil monsters posing as parents, but I swear I'll get you out as soon as possible. You know our door's always open, and my mum has been waiting for an excuse to kick Walburga's ass." Black grinned, but only weakly. "I don't want to be a bother, with all my complaining and-" "Padfoot, not another word out of you. We've been over this. They're still scars if they're on the inside. You're valid, you're my brother, and you're coming to live with us as soon as possible. Understood?" "Yes, sir," Black said with a small chuckle. Lily leaned back in her chair, staring at her hands and trying to seem like she hadn't heard. The words looped in her mind. Clearly, Black had home issues- maybe severe ones. Naturally, Lily did care about this, but she was at the moment more intrigued by Potter's response. The boy hadn't attempted a single joke or made light of the situation. His speech was joyless, even passionate in its anger. When Lily had risked quickly looking at the pair of Marauders, she'd caught a glimpse of fire in the eyes behind the glasses. It was strangely familiar and took a second to place.... Ah, that was it. She'd seen him look at Severus like that before. Not when he had an audience, when he was mocking Severus at wandpoint, but other times, when probably he thought no one could see. It was an equal blend of hatred, disgust, and outrage. It was the kind of glare that, if ever turned on Lily, she felt would vaporize her. And she wondered about that look. The words, /It's more the fact that he exists,/ played in her mind, but for the first time, she considered they they might have been false. If Potter equated Severus with Black's apparently abusive parents, maybe that explained some of his behavior. /Not/ that she planned on forgiving him. __________ He had to be joking. He /had/ to be joking. What was Slughorn thinking, assigning her as Potter's tutor? This was all Lily had been able to think about all day, and it may even have led her to fail a Charms quiz. Damn Potter. At the time, she'd been too shocked to argue about her placement. She'd just nodded and, in a very dull voice, arranged to meet back in the Potions classroom after all the other classes let out for the day. But later the frustration kicked in. Why, oh why, did these things always happen to her? At the end of the day, after a brief trip to her dormitory to change out of her school robes, she headed toward the designated meeting area. She had a little while, she figured, because James Potter was always late. When she opened the door, however, he was already there. It seemed he'd had the same idea about changing, because he was in jeans, ripped at the knee, and a faded t-shirt for a wizarding band called Owl Chase. There was something else, too. She guessed he heard the door open, because he looked up immediately, but his expression was one she was not used to seeing on him. In fact, she may never have seen it at all. The great James Potter looked... nervous. He gave a sort of half-smile. "Fancy meeting you here, Evans." She glared. She didn't have time for his ridiculous sense of humor. To her surprise, he immediately stopped and looked away. Their eyes didn't meet again until she sat down beside him. "Alright, let's get this over with. We're working on the Draught of Plagued Dreams today, right? Page 362." She walked him through each step of the potion, stopping mistakes before they could happen. She avoided any idle conversation, avoided looking at him when she could help it. But whenever she did glance up, she couldn't help but notice things. In complete contrast to Potter's normal behavior, his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, and he tapped his foot anxiously on the floor. He made a lot of mistakes, or would have if she hadn't stopped him. It seemed, mostly, that his attention wavered whether he wanted it to or not. When she prevented him from over-stirring a third time, he muttered, "Not very good at this, am I?" Lily was taken aback. Hearing self-doubt from Potter was like hearing words of praise for muggleborns from Avery and Mulciber- she never thought she'd live to see the day. She was so surprised that she answered automatically: "No, you're not so bad." He immediately looked up from the cauldron, seeming shocked. After an awkward pause, he stuttered, "Th-thanks," and went back to work. What on earth was going on today? When, two hours later, they finished the potion successfully, Potter practically jumped to his feet. He put all the ingredients back in the cupboard faster than Lily thought possible. When he finished, he briefly met eyes with Lily and actually gave a small bow. Then, as if realizing what he'd just done, he bolted from the room. Lily was left, still sitting at the table, staring out the door after him and trying to process all that had happened. __________ James figured he must be getting old. That had to be it, the only explanation for his behavior. Why else would he choose /not/ to jinx Snape? Why else would he /help/ him?! It started when another boy- Ravenclaw, James thought- tripped Snape in the hallway. The greasy-haired boy lurched forward and crashed to the ground, dropping all of his books, quill, and the ink bottle he was carrying, which of course broke, soaking everything in dark violet ink. James winced. That was never what you wanted to happen to you on a Monday morning... or any other time, honestly. James glanced at Sirius, standing beside him. The long-haired boy was grinning, starting to step forward and reach into his pocket. James knew he was running through jinxes in his mind, deciding which one to use. He felt an unfamiliar squeeze in his stomach. He didn't understand the feeling at all, but it made him put up a hand to stop Sirius's advance. He reached instead for his own wand, and Snape's eyes widened in fear. /'I'm not going to hurt you, idiot,'/ James thought. Instead, he simply repaired the broken bottle and used a new spell he'd found recently to siphon all the ink off of the books and return it to its container. He crouched down to help gather up the books, but Snape, frozen in shock up to this point, suddenly came to his senses and jerked his belongings away, taking off back down the hallway with a furious glare over his shoulder. Apparently the shame of being aided by James Potter was worse than the shame of being tripped and soaked in ink. James glanced up when Snape's back was out of sight. Sirius was rolling his eyes. Remus, on his other side, eyed him questioningly. James shrugged in response. Peter, for his part, actually clapped. Trying to act normal, James responded by fixing his normal cocky grin on his face. "Been practicing that one for a while. Good, isn't it?" He caught the eye of one more person- Lily. James winked, and she- of course- rolled her eyes before walking away, but she was smiling slightly. James couldn't help but give a more genuine smile in return. __________ It was with a bit of a jolt that Lily realized, toward the end of 6th year, that she was friends with the Marauders. Well, no, she'd known they were /friends/- they sat together at lunch most days, and she hung out with them in the common room- but what shocked her was how significant it was. Every one of them had changed so much to bring them to this point, to make them close like this. Obviously, not everything changed; James, for one, was still arrogant and flirtatious a lot of the time, but he was also interesting and nice, and he never hexed people without provocation anymore, so Lily decided his mannerisms were now more endearing than obnoxious (usually). On the morning of this realization, they sat in the Great Hall eating breakfast. While the others chattered casually and somewhat sleepily still, James had his wand out, pointed at his empty water goblet. He muttered something under his breath and flicked his wand. The glass immediately started to warp and change, reshaping itself. A moment letter, it had become an intricate glass lily, which he handed to Lily with a silly smile on his face. Against her nature, she giggled- it /was/ quite impressive. James's smile widened to a beam. Lily got a weird feeling in her chest that she couldn't quite interpret. She didn't have time to figure it out, though, because at that moment owls began flying overhead. A moment later, a package landed on the table in front of James and a little poofball of an owl landed directly on his head. He laughed in delight. "Hey, Rom!" he greeted, reaching up to stroke his feathers. The owl, Romeo, hooted cheerfully. James fed him a piece of bacon off his plate before tearing open the package to reveal a book. "Yes!!" he exclaimed, examining the book cover and flipping briefly through it. "What's that?" Lily asked curiously. "Oh, it's 'Noah Masters and the Griffin Curse'- a wizarding graphic novel. See-" He opened the book to show her a page. "-the pictures move a little as you read. A family friend writes these. She always sends me a copy." Lily's eyes were bright with interest. "Cool!" James's eyes widened a tiny fraction. "D-do you want to read it? I can lend it to you when I finish," he said eagerly. Lily saw the other Marauders trade exasperated looks in her peripheral vision, but she didn't worry about it. "Yeah, that would be great!" she answered. She looked from him to the book in his hand and back, and her heart skip a beat. /'Dear god. I actually like this bloke, don't I?'/ __________ It was early in 7th year when James finally asked Lily out again, this time in a more serious manner. They were out in the courtyard, just a few yards from the other Marauders, and the sun shined down on them in a cheery way. Lily looked at the boy before her, with his messy hair and soft hazel eyes behind thin-framed glasses, and her heart did a little flip. "Yes," she replied immediately. He grinned, eyes sparkling. The amount of joy resulting from that single word surprised her, and she felt her cheeks flush. "I have to, um, to go to the library now," she said quickly. In reality, what she had to do was tell Marlene. She hurried off, but not before kissing him quickly on the cheek. James just stood there, shell-shocked, for several seconds. Finally, he moved toward his friends. "Guys, she said yes!" he exclaimed happily. Peter cheered and Remus gave a thumbs up. "I wonder why she changed her mind after all this time," Sirius said contemplatively. "Probably because I was a total dick," James deadpanned. Sirius cracked up. "Not a /total/ dick," Remus countered. "You've always had a decent heart. You were just full of yourself and, you know, a dick to Snape." James grinned. "Snivellus deserved it," Sirius said, but James shook his head. "I still hate the guy, don't get me wrong," he explained, "but hexing him every other day won't make him drop the Dark Arts, so what's the point?" Remus clapped him on the back at that. "Prongs, you really are growing up."

[thevalerierenee]

Grateful + Good Food

[02/12/19]

Tuesday

      This morning started off a bit bumpy but we’re on the right track for today, haha! I woke up a bit late and my boyfriend ended up picking me up a bit early but it all worked out because my best friend Emily is a life saver and brought me breakfast! Now, I am just repeating my closing statement over and over and timing it so tomorrow will go smoothly. I’m getting nervous! But I am also so tired that I feel like I have no energy to practice speaking, what the heck?! I guess it’s just one of those days where my heart and energy is easily focused into thinking and writing instead of speaking - which is great for when I need to finish writing my group’s presentation script, but not good when it comes to practicing presentations... 

      Anywho, I have a feeling that today will have its ups and downs, especially because I am somewhat insecure today because I wore leggings and a t-shirt with slides, which doesn’t all match the greatest. But that’s okay! It’s comfy and I have practice after school so I’m not even gonna worry about it! A lot is due between this week and next week in my classes, and a lot is expected of me in terms of mock trial, guard, and my group’s presentation in two weeks that gets submitted to the college board!! I believe we will do great, it’s the process of getting to that point that I am worried about with our group dynamics, but no group is perfect and it is definitely going to go smoother than my last group presentation (would you like to hear more on that? Let me know!). Well, it’s only first period and this post is already long so I will let you guys go and get back to you later on! 

      At this point, it is much later in the day and I am so exhausted. I don’t want to work on anything - just sleep. Just take a nap. Right now, I’d love to work on my blog or sleep or watch Netflix but anything but be here. I’ve got so much to do, it seems, but no motivation to do it. School is almost over but I still have practice right after school, ugh. I hate having practice after school in the band room because of all the spit soaked into the floor that we all roll around on. 

      I have been pretty healthy today. For breakfast, I had a protein shake and later a muffin, then I had taco triangles, carrots, pineapple, and a fruit and grain bar for lunch with a vitamin water. Maybe if I keep this up, I will lose the weight I want to. I can’t wait to start going back to the gym in the mornings and making good breakfasts! I love breakfast, especially cereal, it’s honestly my favorite meal of the day is breakfast! Just not eggs, sausage and stuff, just cereal, haha!

      Again, it is now much later in the day, in fact it is now night. Practice went well, I’d say. We were let our 30 minutes early, and if you’ve read my previous posts, that is a LONG time! I was so grateful. Now, I am in bed finishing up this post for you! I tried to work on homework after I got home, around 6:30pm, but I am way too tired. After texting her, I found out Emily was too. So, we decided that we would both just go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow to finish up homework and studying. I’m so grateful to have a best friend like her! I love how we motivate each other to work on our blogs and towards other goals we each have! In fact, she has been so successful lately at eating right and working out consistently, that it motivates me too and shows me that I can do it too! 

      Like I said earlier I have been eating healthy, or at least less, all day - and I haven’t stopped. After school but before practice I ate a small bag of Cheetos and had a blueberry muffin. For an evening snack I had some Doritos then had baked spaghetti and breadsticks for dinner, and a gatorade thrown in there somewhere. Wow, journaling about this makes me realize how much I eat. Now, keep in min I am an athlete. But that doesn’t account for the excess foods. But I am proud of how I have eaten today because I chose heather alternatives and spaced out my eating, therefore exercising self control. A small step is a step no matter how small, and for that I am grateful!

      Speaking of which, I have been so grateful all day! In fact, I just re-downloaded a bible app to my phone and iPad and have considered digital bible journaling. If not, then at least reading a quote a day from the app. I just need some faith back into my life. I was glad to hear that from my boyfriend recently, too. Out of the blue, he gave his friend a ride to church and tagged a long with him and his girlfriend for the entire service then told me he wanted to start going to church and getting closer to God. I can’t explain to you how much that mean to me! I honestly really do love God I just struggle with maintaining my faith and understanding. So to hear that the person I fell in love with wants to pursue something that we could pursue together and that would bring us closer, made me ecstatic. Though, this was all over text so the real situation didn’t play out as I made it sound, haha! 

      It looks like I went off on a tangent again, oops! Well, it really is getting late (not really but it feels really late bc I’m so tired), so I’m gonna wrap up today’s journal! All in all, today was a laid back, lazy irritable, but grateful day! Goodnight!

[saturdaysolaces]

spring term of second year: love, hate and everything in between

Hey, I’ve been gone for a while now, and even though I’ve had the intention to post multiple times during the past 5 months or so, I have not been able to bring myself to do it for reasons not worth mentioning. 

Just a heads up, this is mainly me reminding myself of my past experiences. Although not necessarily meant to be read as a normal post (because I rant on and on), I’ll still leave it here. Enjoy! (?)

All things aside, I just officially finished my second year of high school. As the title already states, it has been an incredibly rough ride both mentally and physically, but also better than I could’ve ever wished for. I’ve managed to seek something happy in every moment of despair, but it has taken me some time to get used to the idea of having utterly bad days that can’t be avoided, and that being sad and hurt and lost it just part of the deal you make in order to get the most out of life. It has undoubtedly been the hardest part of second year: admitting that there will be storms and rain amidst the fields of daisies I’ve spent so long tediously planting. I don’t want to be sad, nobody obviously does, but every bad day to me is a rock that takes weeks to lift. 

Excuse my cliche analogies. There were also a countless number of satisfactory and joyous moments that I’ve fortunately enough managed to capture. This post is me sharing those moments in the hopes of revisiting some of the happiest days of my life now when I’m feeling extremely down again. I just got out of school after having long chats and pizza with my dear friends, but today, like the whole month of may, I’ve had so many ups and downs that it really distorts my feelings.

In the span of these last 6 months of second year, I’ve 

discovered my love of science memes. me and my friends have a habit of sharing the most ridiculous ones on the day of the exam (or the night before). 

been to the library an overwhelming number of times. these are times I sometimes don’t enjoy thinking about because I struggled mentally but most of those times were spent with friends, so we had good laughs and got through it together (with the help of some very unhealthy snacks)

drank way too much coca cola. it’s become somewhat of a joke amongst me and my friend Em because we both buy it from the school’s vending machine nearly weekly (I’m amazed our teeth haven’t begun to rot away yet)

fallen in love with indie Japanese music! my recommendation would be the band For Tracy Hyde (Underwater girls is my favourite of theirs)! It’s also gotten be back to the mood of watching anime, and so I’ve done religiously for the past few months. Kill la Kill, Parasyte, Miss Kobayashi’s dragon maid and Little Witch academia are my recent faves.

Danced wanhat! They’re essentially a type of prom second-year students attend in February. The event and the dances are quite formal and traditional. Wanhat has been a thing I had been waiting for since lower secondary because they grant you the change to practically spend a day as a princess. It was, of course, stressful and wearing me seriously out during the months leading up to the big day, but definitely worth it. I got the most out of every dance, my pair was super sweet and the company afterwards everything I could’ve asked for. The highlight of the day, though, was the limo Em’s parents had kindly booked for us. We rode around the city feeling like queens.

Visited Cambridge! It is currently my ultimate dream university, and I’m planning on applying there in around one and a half year’s time. As is probably very apparent, my English is not on the level required to attend, but as my final exams are looming around the corner and one of them being English, I am hoping to develop as much as I can over the summer.

Been to CERN! It was on my bucket list and I never thought I would get to tick it off this early in my life. Basically, my school with a few others organized a trip to Switzerland and CERN that was held in late February and early March. I applied for it during the fall last year with no intention of actually getting in (mostly because the prerequisite was to excel in all-things physics which I really didn’t at the time), but so I did. We had a lot of preparatory work before the actual trip, including group presentations and visits to a university’s physics department. Then, we spent a 5 days in Switzerland, two of which we stayed in the coastal city Montreux and my physics teacher’s old boarding school where he had taught a few years back. On day three, we headed off to CERN and I can’t praise the place enough. The whole process, though, was made the best one yet by the people I got to meet and the breathtaking landscapes I saw along the way. I made friends with a girl I’ve been adoring for quite a long time since the fall of first year but I’ve never gotten the courage to walk up to her and open my mouth. We did a bunch of stuff together, the most memorable of which were probably walking to French to buy food and having alcohol-free champagne for breakfast. I really miss CERN, but I’m glad I have so many amazing memories to look back to. 

Had some really fun Valentine’s celebrations! Em had the great idea to make puzzle piece shaped cut-outs from cardboard and write messages on them. Me and my friends also drew tiny hearts onto our cheeks. Cute.

Many, many afternoons were spent in small cafes around the city, talking about everything from history to what we want to do after we retire. Needless to say, I’ve spent a ton of money on overpriced coffee.

Dropped a course. Not my happiest memory, but sixteen-year-old me would never have believed she could do something like this. I never leave something unfinished, especially it that something happens to be a course held by one of my favourite teachers whom I continue to admire. It did leave me a bit disappointed in myself because I couldn’t push through like I always have, but it was one of the best decisions I’ve done.

Overall, spent more time with my friends. Chatting over coffee or Burger King has sort of become a norm in our friend group. We’ve also had the time of our lives just going around second hand stores and half-empty shopping centres trying on the most ridiculous clothing items we can find. I’ve also taken the time to catch up with my friends from lower secondary.

Seen brain surgery up close! Well, not exactly the whole surgery, but at least the cutting-through-skull phase. Our school carried out a visit to a hospital’s neurology department, and to everyone’s surprise, we got to go into the OR while the patient was under anaesthesia and the surgeons were preparing. We also got a glimpse of the reason behind the surgery through a monitor – a tumour the size of a golf ball. The thing is though, the surgeons were exactly, and I’m not kidding, like those right out of Grey’s Anatomy – strangely excited to cut into an unsuspecting man’s brain.

Gotten some amazing friends! I’ve expanded my “core” friend group from the four it was last summer to the 8 it is now. Plus, I’ve met some really sweet and cool people who, while not being a part of the group I primarily hang out with, are still people I will remember with a warm heart. And god have we experienced a lot. I love my friends more than I ever would be able to put into words, they mean the absolute world to me. Em, X, L, S, Vee, A and V, thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

Signed the forms that officially tie me to the final exams next fall. There’s no backing away now – this is truly life or death. 

Oh and I ranked top 12 in a national biology competition that might potentially allow me to take part in a half-a-year long coaching course preparing students for the international biology olympics. The situations is still a bit unclear but technically I got accepted, so I’m hoping to start the coaching next fall! I’ll update on this later. 

There are also a million things I am grateful for right now. First and most significant of them being my friends, second being all of my teachers. I’ve always had a huge amount of appreciation towards them, but this spring for some reason brought it even more to the surface. I have endless respect for my biology teacher as she is the one pushing me towards my dreams. Something that I appreciate considerably is the fact that she really pays attention to what her students’ passions are and what they really strive for. She’s great with everyone, and today she also said how much she has respect for me – a sentence I have never heard in my life. She knows how much I love metabolic pathways and she’s really keen on what everyone’s up to, and that’s notably why she will always be one of the best people I’ve ever met. 

My physics teacher is also superb. I actually had my first course of his last fall (whereas I’ve known my biology teacher since first term of first year). Not only is he a great teacher, he also is somewhat of a comedian. He throws jokes in anywhere he can, and managed to gather a list of his quotes from his courses. It’s a bummer that I won’t ever have his classes again though because he, again, is one of those people who can really light up a room. 

Praise and compliments from the teachers I highly appreciate are my source of external motivation and that’s why I take so much pride in doing my best. I know that this path is hazardous as the thing you should do instead is rely solely on intrinsic motivation which is not dependent on such outside factors, but this is just how I’ve learnt to push through. Today was really rough for me because I was left without the feeling of being recognised as a hard-working student. I admit I’m coming off as really selfish and narcissistic but I have the best grades in my class – grades I’ve fought for at the cost of my mental well-being. After all of the work I’ve done I still left our spring festivities today empty-handed, without any scholarship or diploma. The scholarships are handed out to students based on their academic excellence. And thus, I felt completely like I hadn’t pushed hard enough. I’m running low on motivations, and it’s not good to have these kind of things happen right before I’m supposed to start revising for my final exams. I know it will bother me for a while, but I’ll be fine. I’m just a bit too dramatic when it comes to these things. Fortunately the scholarship went to Em, who deserves it 110%.

So, what about the future? It’s frightening, to say the least. I have to take my first two matriculation exams this fall, and god am I scared. Matriculation exams are basically the final exams Finnish students take before they can graduate high school. They will be spread out throughout the next one and a half years of my life, the first two next fall and the next six during spring and fall of 2020. They are all six-hour exams and I’m still left wondering how I’ll manage to concentrate for that long without having my eyes getting sore from staring at a computer screen. I would not be nearly as scared if the exams I will take first were something other than biology and English. They are exams that define whether I can even apply abroad, and thus they being the first ones stress me out inconceivably. That being said, I have to start studying for them soon. I’m heading out tomorrow with my friend L to plan our revision over the summer so that we’ll get a head start and can hit the books as soon as possible. Also, I borrowed two biology textbooks for first-year university students with the plans to study them a bit as well (and since they are in English I can get some useful practise that way too). 

As for English, I was debating on whether I should set up an actual blog or just continue using my tumblr, and I’ve decided on posting on tumblr as it is the more low-effort of the two and still pretty fun. I find that the best way to revise English is to actively write, because it enables you to find a flow and get a sense of routine when you are writing essays in the actual exams. So, expect more posts coming soon!

I wish I could remember every small bit of happiness from second year. Nevertheless, I am glad about everything I do recall, but also everything else I have experienced. My heart is full of joy.

[chocolate-brownies]

Hear from Miki and other wellness entrepreneurs, industry leaders, and medical experts at Wellspring, Wanderlust’s premiere wellness expo in Palm Springs, October 24–26.

If there’s on person we can look to for inspiration, it’s Miki Agrawal. This serial entrepreneur has started three businesses, is writing her second book, and still makes the time to maintain a meditation practice. She’s known for addressing taboos (her company THINX changed the way we look at periods) and turning problems into solution through business.

I asked Miki to divulge her sources for creativity and share what she’s learned along her journey. Here’s how she turned life into an empire…

  You’ve created a myriad of awesome projects. What would you say is a common thread for inspiration?

I get my ideas from simply being in the world, doing my best to observe things with a fresh (childlike) eye, questioning the things that don’t seem to make sense, and notating the things that “suck” in my day-to-day life. And rather than complaining about the things that don’t make sense or suck, I get excited because it’s an opportunity to solve those things and make our collective human experiences better.

I’ve read in previous interviews that THINX, TUSHY and WILD came out of necessity—both for yourself and for others. Can you speak more to this? How has your life and life experiences influenced your entrepreneurial projects?

TUSHY solves one of the things that I do very often and every day: poop. I am one of those people who poops a lot and I never understood why we wipe our butts with dry paper and call that clean. We certainly don’t jump in the shower and only use dry paper and call our bodies clean. That area of our body is critical to our health and happiness (ie. sex, babies, excretion) and yet we don’t properly take care of it because it’s a “taboo” area. Also, since the late 1800s, we have been led to believe that toilet paper does the job but all it does is cost us money every month (to the tune of billions of dollars per year if you add us all together), kills millions of trees per year and causes chronic infections and issues down there like UTIs, hemorrhoids, and fissures.

So I created a simple, modern, affordable bidet attachment called TUSHY which easily clips onto any standard toilet and turns it into a bidet. It’s only $69, takes 10 minutes to install, requires no plumbing or electrical, comes with everything you need in the box, and it’s literally the most important thing in my bathroom. Also, for every TUSHY sold, we fund an organization in India that builds clean latrines for the urban poor who have access to nothing and are defecating out in the open. To date, we have helped 12,000 families gain access to clean sanitation facilities.

As for THINX, I just couldn’t believe that there hadn’t been any innovation in a very long time in those categories because again, those topics were deemed “taboo” by the social system that we lived in. I thought that by creating best-in-class underwear, it could shine a light on this subject and make us ask ourselves why are these things [periods] not okay to talk about when it’s the very thing that creates human life? Also, I was a very irresponsible bleeder and kept ruining all of my underwear—and I needed a solution for that! Under my leadership, we helped over 100,000 girls gain access to menstrual products throughout Africa.

WILD came about when I realized how sensitive I am to processed foods: the bleach, refined sugar, hormones, antibiotics, pesticides, preservatives etc and it turns out that millions of people are too, for obvious reasons. I had to give up my favorite comfort food, pizza, so I decided to start New York City’s first gluten-free, farm-to-table pizza eatery in 2005. During that time, everyone thought “gluten-free”, “farm-to-table,” and “organic” meant “must taste like cardboard,” so it took a lot of education to get people to “get” it.

Promotion for your brands (THINX especially) come across more as art than the do advertising. How have you used art to now influence TUSHY and your other projects?

My teams know that unless it’s artful and show-stopping, it won’t pass the test. We are in the process of rebranding TUSHY to make it artfully aspirational yet playful and fun. Art needs to be fun and not too serious. Also, since I’m talking about “taboo” subjects like poop and periods, the campaigns better be artful, or people will be too grossed out to talk about it. The art and playful tone bring people’s guards down.

What or who is something/someone who has most influenced you professionally?

I think having a twin sister who has been with me since birth has taught me to remain authentic. Anytime I’m not being “myself” or she’s not being “herself,” we keep each other in check. Like, “Why are you acting like that?” or “You’re being weird right now.” Ha-ha. It came naturally, but I learned that being authentic is critical in business, especially if we are doing things that are out of the ordinary.

If we are working from a place of “pleasing people,” then trying to create businesses that break taboos simply will never happen.

Also, my life coach Lauren Zander has had more influence on me to face myself over and over again to deal with all that life throws my way in a really productive way and she makes self-work so much fun! I have worked with her every single week for almost five years and it has truly changed my life.

It’s pretty clear you’re a creative person. Do you have trouble deciding which projects to focus on?

I always ask myself three questions before moving forward:

What sucks in my world?

Does it suck for a lot of people?

Can I be passionate about this issue, cause, or community for a really long time? (This is the most important question to solve.)

You’re all about tackling taboos. What’s next on the agenda?

I’m really focused on TUSHY—getting every butt in America clean, saving 15 million trees from getting flushed down the toilet unnecessarily each year, and saving our natural resources that are required to make toilet paper (ie. it requires 37 gallons of water to make 1 single roll of toilet paper!). Changing the culture around our bathroom habits is something that I’m going to work on for a while.

I’m really passionate about the global sanitation crisis that is affecting over 1 billion people globally. The fact that TUSHY not only elevates human lives in the first world, but also funds the buildout of clean latrines in the third world, makes me even more motivated to keep going.

I’m super excited for your upcoming book, DISRUPT HER : A Manifesto For The Modern Woman. Can you tell us more about this?

Disrupt-Her is a new kind of Manifesto that asks—no, demands—that women question, dissect, and disrupt 13 major areas of our lives, including societal preconceptions that keep us from living fully lit up, both personally and professionally. In this book, I want to teach women to:

Dissect, declutter and update internal thoughts and external habits that are currently holding you back.

Start a movement that solves real problems and does good – even especially if you don’t have a lot of money, a college degree or years of experience.

Become a true “Warrior-Gatekeeper of your Mind” in all situations.

Not let “Hate-Hers” derail you from your mission, and instead show them the way back to being “Love-Hers.”

Create healthy relationships with men who are stuck in the old-fashioned patriarchy.

Find and align with SNAGS (Secure New Age Guys).

Create a supportive, fun, caring community that stands by you no matter what.

You’re all about empowerment and I love it. What advice would you give to others looking to create authentic entrepreneurial projects?

No more talking and dreaming, only doing! Put one foot in front of the other and focus on doing one or two things every single day toward the thing you are working on. It’s amazing how fast it adds up when you are doing a couple of things every day.

For more Miki, check out her first book, Do Cool Shit: Quit Your Day Job, Start Your Own Business and Live Happily Ever After. 

—

Amanda Kohr is the editor at Wanderlust. You can find her exploring new highways, drinking diner coffee, and on Instagram. 

1

The post How Miki Agrawal Turned Her Life Into an Empire appeared first on Wanderlust.

[physiofirsthorgen]

Lose 20kg before the end of Summer

If you’re looking for the best, fastest way to lose weight and get fit, like fitter and healthier than you’ve probably ever been, before the Summer is even over, then here it is. 

This is easy, it’s fast and it’s healthy. You wont find a doctor or trainer anywhere to disagree with me.  

Follow these three simple steps below and you will go through a transformation that will not only amaze you and the people around you, you’ll wonder why we don’t all just do it. 

Here are the basics.

Step one: exercise

I love those ‘5 minute abs’ infomercials. Not because they’re so cheesy but because they’re awesome. The problem is, the products and techniques they’re selling are actually so shockingly effective that 99% of us distrust the advertisers claims and hence the ads are banned to the realms of late night TV. The truth is if you did even half the workouts in those DVD sets and combined that with a healthy diet you would get results far better than even the most outrageous claims. But people scoff at them because that’s easier. 

You don’t need to work out like a professional athlete to get great results. Instead, ask yourself what percentage of your daily workout would 5 minutes be right now? If you decided to walk 30 minutes a day how much extra movement would that be for you over, say, the next month?

Start doing some floor exercises at home: squats, pushups, calf raises, whatever. Just start. If you’re doing nothing then any exercise at all is a proportionately huge increase and yest it does make a difference. 

Get one of the hundreds of free apps available online and install it on your phone. Walk to the bus instead of driving. If you have a bike or any kind of home trainer sitting around then dust it off and start using it. If you don’t have one people are giving these away (unused) all the time. 

Whatever you do just start moving more and do something every day. Any increase in activity at all over what you’re doing currently will get you feeling much stronger and give you more energy.  

Step two: Cut carbs  

Like, completely remove pasta, bread and any other starchy foods, any processed or sugary foods, and all alcohol from your diet. This will dramatically reduce your caloric intake and you’ll feel better within 48 hours. You’ll also notice a huge difference in your energy levels and an uptick in your cognitive ability. The short-term results will motivate you and help you believe this dieting stuff works and you can do it. At least for a few weeks. 

Also, gluten - it’s a thing. I was plenty skeptical ten years or so ago when I first heard of gluten intolerance but a tiny bit of knowledge goes a long way. While we’re not all completely intolerant to it, guten is poison - like actual poison. It’s the part of grain that’s there to discourage animals from eating it (by making them sick.) Call it evolutionary defense, or just god’s twisted humor but gluten is toxic and our bodies hate it. Stop eating it and you’ll feel much better within a few days. 

Step three: maintain a more alkaline diet 

Replace as much as possible of whatever you’re eating now with more fruit and vegetables. Remove saturated fats from your diet entirely. 

Actually, don’t eat anything with a label on it. That’s easier still.

If you’re trying to lose fat fast, this step alone will 10x your results, but it’s helpful to understand why. High acid levels in our diet are bad. Your body has to maintain a certain pH level to function properly. Too much acid in our system reduces oxygen and allows nasty organisms to grow. Your body will fight really hard to fix that. 

It does this in a few ways but the one that’s interesting to you right now is how it uses fat. If you can’t manage excess acid levels through digestion you will store them in fat deposits so they can’t harm you. If you reduce the excess acid levels in your system (by eating foods with higher alkalinity) then your body will drop its excess fat deposits. Fast and without exercise. 

Foods high in acid are things like meat, dairy, eggs, unrefined sugar and alcohol. Cut them out completely, and drink plenty of water and you’ll notice the effect of this in less than 24 hours.

If you must eat meat try to stick to chicken and fish, and help your body out by eating a big side of salad and greens instead of fries or pasta. Another great hack for “alkalizing" your diet is putting lemon in your water.

Diet and exercise. Who would have thought?

That’s it. Eat a healthy diet, and get plenty of exercise and sleep, and you will be stunned by the results. I lost over 20kg in 8 weeks like this. I feel like I’m as healthy as I’ve ever been and the doctor friend of mine who gave me these tips probably saved my life. 

But you won’t change anything by just reading

And you’re not gonna lose anything debating the minutiae of the Metabolic Balance and Paleo diets other than time. Google search the two strategies above and speak to your doctor, and you will have all the dieting information you need.

You don’t need a gym membership either. You can get an excellent full-body workout using nothing but your own body weight. If you don’t know how then call up our physio practice in Horgen and mention this post, and we’ll give you a totally free introduction to all of the exercises you need. Seriously, go ahead. I want this for you. Here’s a link you can use.  

What do you have to lose?

Commit to just four weeks of the diet. Even without the exercise if you like. I guarantee you will be amazed by how much better you feel.

Give it a shot. Worst-case scenario: you spend a month without some foods you like. Best-case scenario: you discover a completely new way of life and start living healthier and better than you ever thought possible.

Ash

[dommi-weasley]

General Survey

What do you like most about working here? Do you find your work meaningful? “I like the customers! I just get to talk to them all day and it’s so nice. I can’t think of another job where I’m paid to just talk to people. It’s nice for them to, we get a couple of older gentlemen who come in and I think they’re a bit lonely so they’re happy to talk to me and tell me about their kids and I tell him about me. I wouldn’t say my work is meaningful but I brighten their day at least. I like to think so anyway.”

Do you feel connected to your coworkers? “Yes! The Longbottoms were so nice to give a job here and everyone here has been accepting and I’ve been here a while now - it does feel like a family. The chefs can be a little rude sometimes but they’re always nice to me after and give me foods they’re trialling for the pub - like strawberry cheesecake! I got some of that last week.”

On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you at work? “Well, I mean, day to day it’s nice. I like my co-workers, I like the customers most of the time but I do wish that I could spend more time doing divination. I work at the Leaky Cauldron to support myself doing that but then by the time I get home I’m too tired to actually do much unless I have a client booked so then I only have my days off from the pub to really practice.”

Do you have a clear understanding of your career or promotion path? “Not really. I guess I could eventually become manager, but the Longbottoms own the place so it’s not like I could become the owner or anything. I’m not sure there is much of a career path per-say.”

What motivates you to go above and beyond at work? “I like making people happy. It’s always nice to see people enjoying themselves and having fun when they come in.”

Do you feel engaged at work? “Yes, well, kind of. I’m never bored exactly - it’s far too busy to be boring. There’s always something to do there, and we’re always busy with customers or clearing up after them. But sometimes the day goes so quick and I feel like despite everything I’ve done at work I haven’t accomplished much.”

What do you think is one process we can improve? “Oh well, I think that the Cauldron could do with a lick of paint. I’d love to redecorate it! Make it a bit more like Madam Puddifoots - now that’s a place with real style! But I guess not everyone wants that for a pub.”

What drives you crazy here? Do you feel valued at work? “When customers drink a little too much and make a mess. Customers are the best and worst bit of the job - the worst when they vomit. It’s not nice. I feel valued when I get a tip or something, or someone thanks me. It’s the little things that go a long way.”

What’s something unusual that comes up in your line of work? Who do you go to for a solution? “Unusual? I guess we sometimes get a customer whose a little strange. I’ve had more than one creepy guy try to hit on me and sometimes I’ve felt unsafe if he knows when the pub closes - I worry he might wait around outside or something. Normally then I’d let a co-worker know or if no one is around take the floo over to The Leaky Cauldron see if Jackson is around on the late shift and wait it out.”  

Would you refer someone to work here? “Yes! It’s lots of fun. I know I haven’t exactly sold it, but the people here are lovely. We get on well. And it’s a nice job if you’re willing to work hard and get your hands a little dirty.”

What are three words would you use to describe your work culture? “Fun, relaxed, busy - if I’m allowed both relaxed and busy.”

Do you foresee yourself working here one year from now? “Ideally by then I’d be doing divination full time but seeing as I’m not even sure what that would entail and I’m not applying for jobs right now... probably I will. Is it bad that I’m disappointed? It’s not like I hate working here.”

Do you believe you’ll be able to reach your full potential here? “Well, I... I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being a bartender, it can be a very rewarding job and I like it and stuff but, god this sounds so big headed, I do think that I wouldn’t reach my full potential here. I mean, I’m a seer. Or I want to be. It’s not like I can use that in this job.”

Hypothetically, if you were to quit tomorrow, what would your reason be? “I’d been offered a job using divination.”

Do you feel as though your job responsibilities are clearly defined? “Yes, I always know what I’ve got to do - I’ve got a long list that I never seem to finish before the end of my shift. Tables need cleaning, drinks pouring, barrels changing.”

Do you feel like your job utilizes your skills and abilities as much as it could? “It uses my social skills - I think I’m good at that. But it doesn’t really use my others.”

[seanbsworld]

A Short Scene: “Meat”

Setting:      A dining room, somewhat fancy.

Characters:   George – A man in his 50’s. Charming without depth.

                      Alexis – A woman in her 30’s. A genuine flake.

Tone:         Absurdist, ironic, melodramatic, dark.

Dialogue:     Rhythmic and repetitive like a pop song or echo chamber.

At Rise:      George and Alexis sit at a dinner table facing each other. The table is set, but the food has not been served yet. They drink wine and talk.

Alexis: It’s just awful.

George: Yes. It is.

Alexis: I mean...

George: I know, I know. It’s, it’s--

Alexis: It’s awful!

George: Well, yes, but--

Alexis: I mean, the look on his face, and that poor girl, and all the blood...

George: Horrific.

Alexis: It’s just... the worst.

George: Yes, but what can you do? What can you do?

Alexis: I don’t know. Does anyone know? I mean--

George: What can you do? I feel helpless. Somewhat.

Alexis: Me too. So helpless. They need to change the gun laws.

George: Yes. Absolutely. If there ever was a time--

Alexis: I mean those images are seared into my brain. That poor girl, all that blood, and their families... I just can’t.

George: The whole town must be devastated.

Alexis: The whole country! And they showed it on TV. I can’t believe they showed it on TV. Not even cable! Regular TV.

George: I had to look away, briefly.

Alexis: It’s just...

A long pause.

Alexis: ... unspeakable.

George: If there ever was a time when we could all agree about the gun laws--

Alexis: It couldn’t be clearer... I don’t even watch the news anymore. It’s too depressing. I mean, what’s happening to this country?

George: Well, the media makes it seem worse than it actually is. This is still the greatest country in the world. It’s the media and all the little snowflakes that are--

Alexis: Oh, I know! They act like the world is burning.

George: They don’t realize how good they have it. This is still the greatest country. I mean, if this was China...

Alexis: Seriously.

George: It’s their right to protest and march, I understand that, but give it a rest. Do they really think they’re going to change anything? What’re they thinking?

Alexis: Seriously, if this was China or Russia... And they’re so entitled.

George: Yes! They expect everything to just be handed to them. Where did they learn that behavior? Why do they act like that? I mean, I used to be like that, back in college, but come on, right?

Alexis: Well... they’re probably just reacting to what the previous generation stood for. They’re cynics laced with optimism. Their irony is sincere...

George: (slightly annoyed) Wow. How perceptive...

Alexis: Full disclosure: I’m technically a snowflake, but--

George: Ah. That explains so much.

Alexis: (playfully) No it doesn’t, shut up! But, admittedly, it’s difficult to defend us sometimes. I’ve had to unfollow so many friends off Facebook. Just so much negativity. I’m over it... so when’s dinner going to be ready? I’m famished.

George: Soon, soon. You’re going to love it. Oh, speaking of famines, have you heard in Africa--

Alexis: George! How can you be so glib?

George: (laughing) What, what? I’m creating ironic distance. It’s the only way I can process what’s happening there. It’s really tragic.

Alexis: You’re such a--

George: What?

Alexis: (flirtatiously) You’re so bad.

George: I know, I know. I’m the worst! But the situation in, uh, uh--

Alexis: Africa.

George: Right. The situation really has become dire. I mean, millions of, of--

Alexis: Africans.

George: People! These poor people, and children, on the brink of starvation. They’re like skeletons, walking around, eyes bulging out, flies eating their skin... It’s staggering the lack of motivation among the world’s governments to provide aid. Why don’t we help out? Why don’t we do more?

Alexis: I know.

George: I mean, if we all just got together and focused... But we don’t have any real leaders. Where are they? Where are the leaders?

Alexis: I don’t know.

George: There’s too many problems in the world. It’s--

Alexis: Overwhelming.

George: Not overwhelming. It’s just... you know?

Alexis: It’s like standing in an elevator full of people and not knowing who smells bad.

George: Uh, well--

Alexis: We really need to do more, though. I feel so bad when I throw out food. But at least we’re not like ancient Rome. They would stuff themselves silly then throw it all up just so they could eat more.

George: Actually, that’s not true. The Romans never binged and purged.

Alexis: Yes they did. They had “vomitoriums”.

George: That’s a common misperception. “Vomitoriums” were large passages that allowed amphitheater crowds to exit quickly, sort of spewing them out.

Alexis: Oh. I feel so stupid. This whole time I thought, because of the name--

George: It’s okay to be wrong, Alexis. People make that mistake all the time.

Alexis: (defensively) I know it’s okay to be wrong, George--

George: Okay, okay, relax--

Alexis: I’m just explaining, because of the name.

George: Your generation is so sensitive.

Alexis: No we’re not, shut up! Just because I’m explaining myself doesn’t mean--

George: Bunch of little snowflakes...

Alexis: You better watch yourself mister. Charm will only get you so far.

George: I’ll be careful.

Alexis: (playfully) Seriously, I’ll organize a march so fast... You know, we may not even have snow for much longer, the world the way it is. They say fifteen of the hottest years on record have occurred since the millennium. Can you believe that?

George: (sincerely) I know, I know. They say we’re already past the point of no return. Even if everyone went green tomorrow, we’re still screwed. The sea levels will rise. Florida will be underwater in a hundred years. Florida!

Alexis: I can’t believe it. No more Miami Beach. No more palm trees...

George: Actually, palms aren’t trees at all. It’s technically grass.

Alexis: (very annoyed) Another “common misperception”, I guess... Is dinner ready yet?

George: I’ll go check.

Alexis: Good idea.

George leaves.

Alexis stands up and walks to the other side of the table. She smells the chair where George was sitting, taking in big whiffs. Then she clears her throat loudly before returning to her seat.

George returns. He sits down.

Alexis: (flustered) Is it ready yet, dinner? I feel like I’ve been waiting forever.

George: It’s cooling, just a few more minutes. As they say, “Patience is a cliché”...

Alexis: What?

George: Nothing... Are you okay?

Alexis: (readjusting) Of course. Yes. Just hungry... So, are you going to tell me what’s for dinner? You’re being so mysterious.

George: You’re going to love it. It’s a delicacy, very hard to come by these days. But it does have...

Alexis: What?

George: It has meat in it.

Alexis: George... you know I’m a vegan.

George: Just hear me out.

Alexis: You know I’m a vegan, George.

George: You said you were a “practical vegan”.

Alexis: But I’ve been really bad lately. I’m trying to get back on the wagon. I really shouldn’t.

George: This is a delicacy, very hard to come by. And with the world the way it is, who knows if I can even get more of it.

Alexis: You make it sound like it’s endangered.

George: No, in fact, it’s overpopulated. It’s just the world, the way it is--

Alexis: I can’t. Eating meat is wrong and it really isn’t healthy. The leading killer in the country is heart disease. I mean, the idea of eating flesh? Eating a thing that once had a heartbeat?

George: Plants are alive. Everything we eat was once alive. If you want to survive, you have to kill... Just try a little bit, a tiny nibble. The meat is fair trade, free range, no chemicals, completely organic--

Alexis: Non-GMO?

George: All that shit. Just try a little bit.

Alexis: You’re such a bad influence, George.

George: Don’t pretend like you don’t like it.

Alexis: I can’t eat meat, I’m sorry. I hate disappointing you, but I have to commit to something. It’s not just my health--factory farms have a huge environmental impact as well. All the water the animals require and all the, you know, excrement they produce...

George: Are you not going to eat?

Alexis: I’m not going to eat the meat.

George: But the meat is the meal. If you don’t want to eat the meat, you may as well not eat at all.

Alexis: Fine. I won’t eat then.

George: Why are you acting like this?

Alexis: Why are you asking me to compromise my beliefs?

George: Your beliefs are based on practicality.

Alexis: George, I have to commit to something, otherwise I’ll never figure stuff out.

George: You have to commit tonight?

Alexis: If I don’t, I’ll just keep on, untethered, drifting off into the ether.

George: Oh my God--you really are a little snowflake, aren’t you?

Alexis: (very annoyed) What’s the big fucking deal, George?

A pause. The tension makes George laugh.

George: Come on, are you really not going to eat?

Alexis: You knew I was a vegan.

George: Honestly, I thought you were just telling people that to feel superior.

Alexis: Is that how you think of me?

George: I do it, too. Everyone does. I mean, who really gives a shit about Africa?

Alexis: I’m a good person. I care about things.

George: I know.

Alexis: I volunteer. I donate. I didn’t vote in the last election because, obviously, but other things...

George: I know, I know. Look, Alexis, you’re a great person. You inspire me. Truly. I just think you’ll really enjoy this meat. It’s a delicacy. This opportunity doesn’t comes around every day.

Alexis: I want to eat the meal, but I don’t want the meat.

George: It’s pointless without the meat. It’s like not fucking on Prom night.

Alexis: That’s a little aggressive.

George: Does that frighten you, aggression?

Alexis: When it’s sitting across the table.

George laughs.

A pause.

George: Alexis, you’re not a bad person if you eat a little meat. Honestly, it would be wasteful if you didn’t eat. It’s already cooked.

Alexis: No, George.

George: Alright. If that’s your decision, I respect that... A little misguided, but still respectable... I think you’ll regret it later, but I respect it...

Alexis: Just curious, um, what kind of meat is it? I mean, if it’s so amazing.

George: No, no, you’re committed to changing the world. I can’t possibly divulge--

Alexis: Oh, come on. What is it? Don’t tease me, George.

George: No, no, you have beliefs. I’m not going to ask you to compromise yourself.

Alexis: George, don’t tease me. Please, please, please, please tell me. What kind of delicacy...

George responds with body language and facial gestures.

Alexis: Is it... George, is it what I think it is?

George gestures again.

Alexis: Is it what I think it is, George? Huh Georgie? Please tell me. Is it...

George gestures again.

Alexis: It is? George, really!? No! Holy fuck! How did you, where did you--

George: It wasn’t easy, the world the way it is.

Alexis: Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. Have you cooked it before? What does it taste like?

George: The natives say it’s best rare, all the nutrients and antioxidants get burned up if you cook it too long. Also, we have to eat it with our hands.

Alexis: Is that a thing?

George: Yes, it’s a thing... Just try a little bit. If you don’t like it, just get drunk and watch me eat...

Alexis: Maybe a bite or two, just to say I’ve tried it...

George: Is that a yes?

Alexis: Are you sure it was ethically-sourced?

George: That’s what the guy said.

George checks his watch.

George: I’ll go grab it. Wait, before you decide...

George leaves.

Alexis stands up again. She stretches and loosens up her body and neck. She cracks her knuckles and loudly clears her throat again. Then she sits back down.

George returns with a plate of indistinguishable meat. He places it in the middle of the table. He grabs a carving knife.

George: Shall I cut you a slice?

Alexis: It does smell good.

George: I’ll cut you a slice.

Alexis: I didn’t say yes.

George: I’ll cut you a slice, just in case.

George carves up the meat. It is extremely bloody and splashes on the table. He puts a slice on two plates. He takes one to Alexis then returns to his chair with the other plate.

George digs in. He eats with his hands and moans with pleasure.

George: Wow, oh, wow, so fucking good!

Alexis: Relax, George.

George: You have to try this. Oh my God, wow! Seriously, you have to fucking try this.

Alexis: It can’t be that good.

George: So many interesting textures. Fibrous, yet tender, like a mango. Fuck, damn, wow!

Alexis: (embarrassed) You’re acting like you’re about to come.

George: Oh Alexis, if only you knew...

Alexis inspects the meat a little closer. She smells it.

Alexis: Well, I wouldn’t want to waste food. And the world, the way it is...

George: You won’t regret it.

George is nearly finished with his slice. He’s dripping with blood.

Alexis: Eating meat is still wrong. I’m not admitting to anything...

Alexis eats the meat. George attempts to wipe the blood off with a napkin.

Alexis: Jesus Christ! It’s so fucking good! Wow, I wasn’t, that’s unexpected.

She continues to eat, becoming more and more sloppy and piggish. Blood runs from her mouth down her throat.

George becomes distracted by her appetite.

George: (shocked) Christ, Jesus, you don’t have to eat so fast. Take a breath...

Alexis: Oh! So juicy...

Alexis continues to devour the meat, splashing blood everywhere.

George: (disgusted) That’s not very attractive. Maybe try a napkin...

Alexis eats and eats. When she’s done, she licks her plate clean. She’s covered in blood.

A pause.

Both characters examine the table, all the blood, and then each other.

Alexis: I’m a mess.

George: It’s hard to look at you, to be honest.

Alexis: So full, so unsatisfied. I want more, but I’m so full... but I want more...

George: Well... you know what we could do?

George gestures. Alexis responds with curious approval.

George: I’ll get the Ipecac.

��End scene.

[richardshaver1955]

AMAZING PIIT28 and 28 Day Reset Transformations!!!

Hey guys!

So many of you completed some type of a challenge in January – be it the Blogilates Calendar, PIIT28, and/or the 28 Day Reset. YOU are amazing for sticking with the program, doing your best, never quitting and of course for sharing your journey with everyone online.

I’m recognizing the POPsters below for their STANDOUT physical and mental transformations! I am so inspired by these women for making their health goals a priority even through the tough times. THIS is NOT easy, but what matters most is fighting through the struggle and coming out stronger.

Ready for some major inspiration!?

Meet Kirsten (@kirstendaviss)

“#PIIT28 I DID IT! I didn’t really want to post this but here’s my #beforeandafterpiit There’s only 28 days between these two pictures!! I didn’t weigh or measure myself before because I wasn’t doing it to lose weight – but look how much happier I am :) It makes me so happy to have watched everyone and their own progress, despite everyone’s struggles and if you’re still going, YOU CAN DO IT! I’m going to take a couple days break and then maybe I’ll go again!”

  Meet Alexia

“I started the PIIT28 challenge on January 2nd which is the photo on the left and the photo on the right is on day 28. I did the 28day Reset along with the workout program on top of starting my final focus in nursing. There were days when it was super late and I did not want to workout but pushed myself because I knew I would feel better once I did it. I also found it really helpful to prep my meals and snacks in advance especially on the busy days when I would have to go from the hospital to my job. At work they have us do wellness goals each month which really helped me to stay accountable to completing this program because I also made it my wellness goal for work. I didn’t weigh myself before and after because I don’t believe in scales (unless it is for a check up with the doc) but I can see and feel a huge difference in my body. I love how this Reset just toned me right up! I did measure myself and lost a 1/2 inch off my chest, an INCH off my waist, and 1/2 inch off my hips! BooYA!”

Meet Stephanie (@joylovefitmind),

“I’m so excited to start my second round of #PIIT28. I’m not quite ready for PIIT 2.0 yet. I want to be able to complete 1.0 without modifications first. Looking at this picture helps me remember why I started. I was so unhappy with my body, I hated the way I looked, I didn’t feel beautiful and didn’t have one ounce of confidence. Slowly but surely I’ve started to shed that old skin. I was lazy, I didn’t want to put the effort in and I wanted a quick fix. PIIT28 has helped me train my mind to actually want to workout. I’m nowhere near where I want to be but at least I’m not where I used to be. If I know it would be this easy I would have bought the program months ago. Excited to start round 2 on February 1st and even more excited to see my results on day 56. Who’s with me? We can do this!”

Meet Linda

“This was after 1 month of PIIT28 1.0 and 1.5 months of PIIT28 1.0 with both the bonus videos. Just started PIIT28 2.0 yesterday! Can’t wait to get even stronger!! :D”

      Meet Liz (@e.liza_kb)

“#PIITstagram day 28 and I can’t believe we finished the first month already! I’ve never actually stayed on a program for an extended period of time and that makes this my first “before and after” transformation. This month I finally decided to try the PIIT28 program! It’s only 28 min per day (plus warm up and cool down for a total of 40 min). Overall, I have been sleeping better and I feel more energized which is great. The most noticeable change was a huge improvement in my endurance! In addition to PIIT28 I was keeping up with POP Pilates choreo practice and teaching. I mostly followed The 28 Day Reset but had to allow gluten as I was getting really bad headaches from excluding it. But by reducing dairy and processed sugar, I felt more “sharp” and articulate in my thoughts; also my skin finally cleared up! Can’t wait to see what the new month brings!”

    Meet Allie (@alliep_poppilates)

“Here are my main progress pics from the last 2 months! I haven’t completed 2.11 yet today but I wanted to keep my tradition of taking morning pictures. 2 months. 2 rounds of PIIT. 3 weeks of eating #28dayreset approved foods. 1 week of half-assing it. I was so afraid not going 100% this last week would ruin me, but I still have changed so much in the last 2 months! Since my last measurements on December 30th, 2016 I lost 5 inches and about 5 pounds. I feel amazing and when I was strictly on the reset I had no bloating and no acne! I’m so proud of how far I have came recently and I can’t wait to continue! I don’t know if I’m going to start 3.0 right away. I might experiment at the gym and take some new fitness classes. We will see!”

  Meet Noys (@noysnuess)

“Here is my 5 months transformation since I started PIIT28. I am so happy with me. Thank you Cassey, for teaching us that WE CAN! Did PIIT28 1.0 two times and now finishing 2.0 to try 3.0”

Meet Lisa (@lisa.piit28)

“This is after 4 rounds of 1.0 and 2 rounds of 2.0. Starting 3.0 today and couldn’t be more excited! PIIT28 has seriously changed my life :) And I love all the support from the whole PIIT28 community”

—

WOW! It’s not just your before and after pics that amaze me. It’s your captions. It’s that you’re FEELING so much better about yourself. You’re confident, your skin is clearer, you’re experiencing less bloating, you have more energy – THAT is the greatest reward. I am so proud of you all!  You are motivating ME to be stronger and healthier!

Combining The Blogilates Reset and PIIT28 is the best combination for these results.

So what now? Keep going. If you’re unsure what to do after completing The Reset, I have a full blog post HERE explaining it all. Most importantly, continue to be active and eat healthy, it’s all about balance and happiness.

What is your goal for the next month?

from Blogilates http://ift.tt/2knHJwe