#i'll probably call trans lifeline later honestly but i had to get this off my chest for now

[grungepoetica]

you know... the more i think about it, the more i realize that the biggest thing hindering my transition is the fear that i'll end up alone because of it

like obviously i know i'll end up alone at the end of my life because that's how life and death work, but the journey to get there feels. very empty. large chunks of my family have had & will continue to have negative reactions (or acting like i never came out), friends are a very temporary presence that fade whenever somebody moves away, and the romance i thought i could depend on doesn't exist anymore

but so much of transition is physically and emotionally draining and the vast majority of people NEED others that they can lean on and trust with that level of vulnerability, and who also won't see this leaning as a burden

and i don't really have anyone like that. i have one or two friends that would be willing, but they don't have the resources to help as much as i need it, and my friends that have resources probably wouldn't be willing for one reason or another. which means i'm left with myself.

realistically i know that someone would be willing to at least try to help if i asked, but that doesn't make me feel less alone with this chaotic mess of gender anxiety and rejection and dysphoria and religious trauma and psychic damage from the looming threat of genocide. which i never want to bring up, because i don't want people to avoid me because i talk about the negative too much.

it's self-destructive and idk how to get out of it :/