#i'm a psych major leave me alone

[spectrumgarden]

I know I'm shouting into the void with this one but like. Genuinely so many low support needs people dont understand what it's like having even medium support needs. Like I am entirely dependent on other people for many of my needs. I can not see a doctor without someone else scheduling the appointment, taking me there and doing a large amount of the communication for me.

If my caretaker had not been accepting of me being trans and invested hundreds of hours into psych appointments and taking me to my endocrinologist and doing all the paperwork involved with my name change and literally taking a week off work to stay with me in the hospital for surgery etc i would have just like. Never transitioned. My ability to transition was entirely dependent on a singular person and that's what a lot of other parts of my life are like as well. and that's fucking terrifying and a great way to be neglected and abused in ways that are horribly hard to get away from.

I dont drive, I dont work, I struggle to leave the house at all, I dont fucking communicate with people majority of the time. The things that are hard for you? I probably can not do them to begin with. No one in my family lives even close to a comparable life to me. None of my irl friends do. I'm incredibly isolated.

And then I go online and see people rant about how easy MSN and HSN people have it because we just get everything we need and how because people can tell we are disabled everything is so easy because none of you even manage to listen to us talk about the neglect and abuse and trauma we face/d. I see people angry at their (more) disabled siblings for getting care they need to survive instead of mad at society for creating a system where its incredibly hard for families to take care of both a higher support needs child and another child.

And I see people who live completely independent lives who work and drive and make their own doctors appointments and grocery shop and travel by themselves call themselves MSN (I could go on a rant about how that's also often the fault of LSN influencers for not leaving a lot of room in their own community for legitimate struggle but that's for another day).

I just want my needs met. I want to be able to decide where I live. I want choice in my care. I want to be able to have community with those like me. I want others to realize I exist and leave the words i have to describe my existence alone. I want others to listen to what I have to say about what my life is like.

[oval3000]

Chapter 3

Yandere Psych Patient König x Nurse Reader

Warning: Possesive, Obsession, Death, Gore, Blood, Smut, Toxic behavior, age gap.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

(This might suck idk. I don't know German so it's all Google translate)

-------------------------------------------------------

He hasn't left his room for a month. They kept him in their with the straitjacket on. His meals are just vitamins that he has to swallow. You would go in to check up on him, but new orders from the administrator's to not go near at all, so you pass by his room. You would peak through the little window and see him laying on his back with little no to motion on his arms or body entirely. His psychiatrist, Dr. Smith is the only that goes in there. They have sessions in his room instead of the usual spot they have it in.

She was pissed at everyone, specifically you. You are her punching bag, even though it was Ben's fault. "Why hasn't he been given his meds!" She yelled at you.

"We are not allowed to go i-" you tried to explain your her, but she could care less.

"You are his nurse right! Your job is to give him his meds! How did you graduate when you can't even do that!" She yelled at you.

You plead for her to listen to you "I'm sorry, Dr. Smith. I can't it's Mr. Millers orders. No one can go in except you because you are his psychiatrist."

So she strolled her way to the administrator's office.

Ignoring his assistant from telling her that she can't go in. Slaming the door open to see him sitting on his chair, writing whatever cral he writes on paper.

"Sarah calm down!"

"Do you have any idea how dangerous he is, and you want me to deal with him alone! On top of that the lack of guards is making my job harder!" Dr. Smith argued with a hand on her hips and her finger pointing towards Ben.

"Do you remeber when you wanted a nurse to look after him." She rolled her eyes. Yes, you, the nurse. "Do you have any idea how much money is going towards her. Triple the pay for looking after him."

Her hands swing in motion, showing her frustration. "She can't even do her fucking job Ben!"

"If she's alive, then she's doing her job well. What's making this hard, is you barging into my office and telling me what to do when you are the one demanding this." He stood up from his chair, fixing his navy tie. "We're loosing staff. People don't want to go near him. Gabriel is threatening to sue the company. Gaurds are quiting left and right so sorry that there aren't enough staff attending your needs."

She crossed her arms with an annoying sigh leaving her lips tinted with red lipstick. "Then hire more people, I don't see the problem?"

"Did you not hear what I said" he walked towards her, standing toe to toe to her. "Majority of our budget is going towards (Y/n). She's been here for two months now, lasting longer than any other nurses. We can't afford another hire with the same pay to deal with König. Besides he hasn't actually killed anyone in those two months, I'll take that than dealing with someone who has a broken jaw from a simple punch."

"Then ask for more money." She scuffed like if it was a joke she said.

He laughed at her face, "Do you think the government cares to fund more for this place, I already have the staff on my ass for new medical supplies, do you think they are gonna hand me the budget to hire someone with triple pay just because you are scared."

"Then fire (y/n) and hire a new guard, maybe someone with military experience."

"Why would I do that. You came into my office, spreaded your legs cause you were so desperate for a nurse and now you want me to fire her. She hasn't done anything in particularly wrong."

"She doesn't follow orders!"

"She does, you just make it difficult." He came in defense.

"Wasn't she trying to stop you from putting him into a straitjacket?" She smirked while her arms crossed at her chest.

"Yes, and she was right. Putting him in a straitjacket does nothing. He was fine it's just that..." he closed his eyes taking deep breath.

"Just what?" She came closer to him, placing her hand on his shoulder, gently caressing it.

He turned his head to her, he used to lovy dovey with her seduction, but now it's more annoyance. "Eli, the other guard, came to my office the other day and told me that Gabriel was provoking König."

She rolled her eyes, looking around his office. Paying attention to the paintings hanged up on the wall and the light objects he has on his desk. "Like what? Making fun of him? We all make fun the people here what else is new?"

"I don't know the full details, but that's what he told me." He sat a bit on his desk.

"Why does that matter?" She shook her head without a single thought in her brain.

"Gabriel is threatening to sue us. If we fight the legal action, we'll have to defend König. König, just like any other patient represent us, our care. If they find out that Gabriel was the one that caused this, making König the victim it doesn't look good after we placed him in the straitjacket. Like we silencing him out. It will ruin our reputation, we'll all loose our jobs and you fucked your way up here for nothing."

"But he harmed a worker, beside murdered multiple people." She let out a little chuckle, placing her hand on his chest.

He didn't give in, instead, he gave her a stare. "He's ex- military and as for you being his psychiatrist, you'll have to speak on behalf of him. Meaning that people will find out about you, how you never studied to become a doctor you fucked every professor you had to get your degree."

"What are you saying, Ben." Her smile dropped.

"I won't fire (Y/n). She stood up for König, making us look like we care about our patients. As for Gabriel, all he's asking is for some 20,000 thousand dollars, which we can easily give him worth than standing infront of the judge. Which means that we can't afford new guards for you. Besides they're taking off his straitjacket today, so stop being so scared and do your dam job."

"I still think you should fire, (Y/n) atleast." She hummed, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"I'm not doing that. Beside she's the only staff that doesn't barge in here demanding stuff. She nice and sweet...." he looked down to the side, " and...young and beautiful. "

She let go of his waist, clenching her jaw. Yes, you being so beautiful. "So what? You want to fuck her? Is that it. Never head young pussy before?"

"You should leave, I have work to do and so do you. This discussion is over." He walked to his desk, sitting down on his chair, unbutton his last few buttons from his dark, navy, blazer.

She stormed off his office, angrly stomping on the white tile floors with her heels creating a louder noise.

You heard the word going around that their taking of his straitjacket, so you quickly gathered what you need to check him up. You saw as the guards took off. He let out a big stretched, flexing more of his muscles. It caused a scare to the guards like a lion letting out a roar.

You walked up to and saw more of his face. He stared at you.

He missed you. He never thought he would miss you. During that month of not seeing you was a time he contemplated about you. Are you made for him or not. He will shut his eyes and images of you will pop up. You smiling at him. Taking good care of him. Watching you squirm under him as you take his full length cock inside your pussy. He'll treat you with respect as long as you do what he says that's all. Seeing your belly swell up with his baby. Can't wait to fuck your tits filled with milk. Can't wait to impregnate you with multiple of his children, making one big happy family. How protective he'll be for his kids, for you. To stand up to the bullies, to show them not to be scared of anything. To hold them if they cry.

He should kill you for making him react this way. He should just kill you. You are just another nurse thinking they have control over him. He use to give orders to people, being the colonel and all, he got the respect he fought for, why does he feel weak around you. You are so sweet and joyful to him. If he was back in the field and saw you, would he kill you. Or maybe fuck you. Maybe that's it. He hasn't done it in so long, so long he hasn't touch a women. He should've just fucked one of the other nurses. Yes, maybe he should do that. Fuck a nurse, just to see. I mean what's the harm in that.

"Aah...yes. right there ngh.... yes...oh fuck that feels good."

The sound of König's footsteps were low that they couldn't hear over the sound of skin slapping against eachother. Watching a men fucking his girlfriend on his bed.

"Does your boyfriend fuck you like this?" Slaming her ass back and forth on his cock.

"Ah....a-aah....he-..he could barley...make me- fuck!..mmgh....wet." She grip the bedsheets hard while he kept pounding her.

No. No. He can't. Not you. He can't. He can't betray you like they did. He can't imagine the face you'll make if you know he fucked another girl. No he should be pure to you. You should be the only one he touches.

He needs you. Okay, it's done. He'll make you his and you'll love him. You'll love him and care for him. Rather you like him or not it's done.

You wrapped the cuff around his bicep and squeeze the bulb reading the numbers on the circle, writing it down. Doing the usual things you have studied for. As you were checking his heartbeat, he reached up which caused you to flinch a bit. His index finger, gently, caressing your cheek. Your back was turned to the guards, making it hard them to see what's going. You stared at him as he touched you with such charisma. His thumb reaching to your chin, hovering over your lips. He placed the tip of his thumb on your bottom lip, gently pulling it out a bit.

You shouldn't have this feeling at the pit of your stomach. You couldn't tell of you didn't smack his hand away because you are scared or because you enjoy it. You never had this much attention, not like this.

"I don't have time to argue with you (Y/n)! Go to your room!" The little girl tuged at her moms shirt.

"Where's daddy?" She felt tears running down her face as her mother poured more wine into her glass, already finishing up the fresh new bottle.

"(Y/n)! Seriously go to room! You are such a headache! Why couldn't your father take you with him! Nauseating!" She dranked the entire glass, slamming the cup on the table.

"Where's daddy?" She said one last time not letting go of her blanket. The same blanket her father got her when she told him she was cold.

"HE LEFT! HE LEFT US (Y/N)! LEFT US FOR THAT BITCH! AND NOW I'M STUCK HERE WITH YOU. HE RUINED MY LIFE. I COULD'VE DONE SOOOO MANY THINGS! But no! I'm stuck to take care of a brat!"

He palmed your cheek, feeling your warmth. He went in closer to you. You could feel his hot breath, quicken as he got closer to your lips.

You pulled back, "I shouldn't- we shouldn't. I mean." You whispered to him.

"Mein liebling (my darling)." He whispered to you. The first time he spoke to you. You couldn't understand him, but he spoke to you. "Du bist mein (you are mine)." He pulled you closer to him, he didn't care if the guards were staring, if anything, he enjoys it. To show everyone that he is yours to touch. "Mein schatz (my sweetheart)," his lips were hovering yours, you felt a little tingle at how close he was.

You know this shouldn't happen. You turned your away from his. You walked back, feeling his grasp letting go. He stared at you witch a smile on his face. You saw the smile he gave you.

When your shift ended and went back to your apartment, the thoughts of what happened lingered into your mind.

That night, you couldn't sleep. He was in your dreams. What if you never pulled way. Were you really going to kiss him. You glazed over the parts where he touched you.

You searched the words he said to you to translate it. Sweetheart, darling, mine.

You felt the butterflies in your stomach again. You never felt so complicated before.

Having a crush on a patient.

You have a crush on König.

[xf-cases-solved]

S2E5: Duane Barry

Case: Our episode finds us in Virginia. I know this because it is the literal first thing written down in my notes. I'm learning. (No I'm not.)

Anyway. This episode, which takes place in Virginia, is part one of a three part (+ one weird fever dream episode) plot arc that will be extremely relevant to the rest of the overall plot of the X-Files from here on out. Everybody thank Gillian Anderson's daughter Piper for existing, and also Gillian Anderson for putting up with extremely questionable treatment from the show runners while she was pregnant, instead of just rage quitting like I probably would have. (She went back to work 10 days after having a C-section and they LET her, that's fucking INSANE and makes me so mad on her behalf lol.) 

But I digress.

Duane Barry! He might not have had to go film a TV show ten days after major surgery and like, giving life to a human being, but he sure is going through it, huh? Poor dude can't stop getting abducted by aliens. Probably. That, or he is suffering from a violent and unpredictable psychosis. It's one or the other for sure. And that wouldn't really be anybody's problem, except Duane has decided that he's done with the tests and teeth drilling, tyvm, and would like someone else to have a turn, so he captures his psychiatrist and busts out of the mental institution, intending to offer the psych up as tribute to the aliens. Unfortunately for Duane, however, he doesn't actually remember where the aliens said they'd pick him up at, so he hits up a travel agency, which ultimately devolves into him holding three workers plus the psychiatrist hostage.

Enter Mulder and our favorite punkass bitch sidekick, Alex Krycek! 😃 

Mulder, being the alien abductee whisperer that he is, gains Duane's trust, and we are kept on our toes as the episode does a pretty solid job at drawing out the suspense as we (along with Mulder) are ping-ponged back and forth about whether or not Duane is who and what he says he is. By the end of the episode there is still a lingering doubt, BUT, a very unsettling voicemail on Mulder's answering machine tells us we're gonna have bigger things to worry about now.

An agent, who I just now realized I recognize because she played a doctor on ER, asks Mulder to help with a hostage negotiation because he knows things about alien abductions, and then is surprised and irate when he makes the conversation about alien abductions; that same agent makes Krycek get her a grande 2% cappuccino with vanilla, which earns her my eternal love; Scully buys an entire bag of groceries for $11.14, and also breaks the barcode scanner with an unidentified metal implant and then just sort of shrugs at the store clerk and leaves; and a "Mulder, it's me" phone call ends with the sound of screams for help and broken glass, whuh-oh!

Oh, and this is the episode with the red speedo.

Welcome, friends, to the Abduction Arc!

Does someone die in the cold open: No, but things aren't really going great either. Not that they ever tend to be going great in X-Files' cold opens.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No. No Mulder+Krycek slideshows 😡

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Ok, so the "case" this time was technically "do the hostage negotiation and get the hostages out alive," so evidence wasn't needed. Ig.

Whodunit: Duane Barry, our favorite kidnapper and alien abductee [citation needed]!

Convictions: Lol, I literally just blew out a sigh and said "ummm" out loud to myself alone in my office, that's embarrassing, but also... we'll come back to this question next episode. 

Did they solve it: Because Mulder did get the hostages out of the building safely, and because I know it's gonna be a minute before he or Scully have any real wins in their lives, I will give them this. 

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Bulgaria's maternity leave laws. 58 weeks at 90% pay the entire time. In the United States you are lucky if you get six weeks, and even luckier if it's paid. And sometimes your boss makes you film a TV show ten days after giving birth through a giant gaping wound in your abdomen. (I know they were technically filming in Canada at the time, but it's an American TV show, so I'm counting it as United States bullshit.) Anyway, we treat pregnant people terribly! But let's just. Not think about that. Abduction arc time!!

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 15 (not even gonna bother restarting the streak tho. y'all just hang in there for a bit, i'm sure things will start looking up soon. ish. probably)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me": 9 (three in total, and the last one ends poorly)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 6

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 9 ½ (could have easily been shot at any time) 

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 9 (went back and forth on this, bc i know how this whole arc ends, but i think that if we look at this episode alone, and don't skip ahead, being kidnapped by a mentally unstable person who is known to be violent definitely counts as being in mortal danger)

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 14 (no, but dw, this stat is gonna get some mileage here soon)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 5 (gdi. i had a funny one liner, but i know for a fact there is at least one person reading these in real time with their first watch-through, so i am trying very hard not to make jokes that are spoilery 🤐)

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 18 (no X 😔)

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Times Someone Correctly Guesses a Password: 3 

Total Number of (Plot Relevant) Nosebleeds: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 3 (no, but he did repeatedly break hostage negotiation protocol, which is similar in spirit if not practice)

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 3 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 4

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 2 

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 9

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 1

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 2!!!!!! (get that coffee, you loser)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 11½ (i wrote that shit down like a person without an attention deficit disorder, hell yeah 😎)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 5

[its-cosmerely-an-obsesh-wound]

Mood: maybe if I write this down it will go away...

It's been almost a week and this scene won’t leave me TF alone and I'm starting to think I’m gonna have to write 100k fic/have a mini existential crisis about it.

It’s early 2010s and Kaladin and Szeth are lying on the floor of a dorm room in our world high AF, passing back and forth a blunt, and listening to Madness by Muse. Their lips are mouthing the words both saying everything and nothing at all. They're both psych majors and just had a session with some guy named Ishar. Neither of them have smoked before now.

Please let this post make these recurring thoughts go away so I can focus on my existing WIPs.

[borderline-culture-is]

(MAJOR CW: RAPE, ABLEISM, THE MELANIE MARTINEZ AND PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN SITUATIONS, SUICIDE THREATS, PSYCH WARDS) --- bpd culture is making a tony crynight discord server out of spite because nobody in the already-existing server seems to understand wtf having bpd is actually like and how to properly communicate boundaries with someone who has bpd

Context:

(disclaimer: some details may be inaccurate because I don't 100% remember what happened, and I'm trying to recall it to the best of my ability)

in the first server, I was talking about the pumpkin the gentleman situation because I was frustrated at how people were handling it(mainly through unneeded jokes about a particular video that had nothing to do with the overall situation), and at first, everyone was agreeing with me on what I said, but after I brought up the melanie martinez situation (because the same shit was happening to that situation too, mainly calling her "felony fartinez" and the ungodly amount of rape threats getting thrown around), they started to switch up on me and even started to make jokes about the ptg situation themselves just to confirm that their opinion changed.

Frustrated, I ended up leaving the server and blocking a few people that were in the server, splitting from them in the process, and I was left emotionally dysregulated for the rest of the day afterwards.

A few hours later, I unblocked one of my friends and apologized to him for what happened, and he said I was allowed to come back as long as I didn't talk about the ptg situation because everyone was uncomfortable with talking about it entirely.

Now, I know this probably sounds unreasonable, and I'm not saying he was in the wrong for this because he didn't know what happened himself, but I feel like the people in the server should've just communicated beforehand that they weren't comfortable with the discussion of the ptg situation, instead of pretending to agree up untill the mention of the melanie martinez situation, because that just sounds like they switched up on me to trigger me on purpose, so naturally, that set me off, like a lot.

So I got back on the server and started mass-blocking everyone, and then I left after that. The stress from that + some unrelated stuff that was going on sent me into a spiral that led to me threatening to kill myself (and just to clarify: when it happened I was experiencing suicidal urges, so yes, I was actually gonna go through with it). I put an end date in my bio on all of my social medias and left it at that.

Two of the people from the server tried messaging me, but because i was in a split from them, I told them to fuck off and leave me alone. This will be important later.

I'm just honestly lucky that I had an irl friend who was staying the night that day, because they saw what was going on and went to check up on me, same with my mom and sister. That, and also seeing ptg's apology video where he explained a few things and took accountability for the things he did wrong, helped me calm down and regulate to a point where I could think logically. Realizing what I just did, I decided that maybe it was time for me to get help.

So after a bit, I came back to the server and apologized for what happened, and let everyone know that I was voluntarily admitting myself to the psych ward because I realized the mental state I was in was getting worse.

Let's just say people weren't too happy about it, because they all started to chew me out, mostly through condescending comments and yelling at me over what happened. This caused me to dysregulate again, and I tried everything I could to get them to understand what I was going through, while repeatedly saying that I was sorry because I didn't want the friends I genuinely cared about to leave me (abandonment issues am I right). I brought up how I was getting admitted to the psych ward, and one of them said "great for you" in a condescending tone, just as an example of the condescension being thrown around in there. They were also telling me that I was trying to manipulate them because of the amount of times I said "i'm sorry."

one of my friends was trying to de-escalate the situation, but the people in the server kept pushing and making it worse. I eventually left the server crying, and the friends in question was comforting me the whole time, which helped me a lot.

I took some time to reflect on what happened while I was at the ward, and even after I was discharged, and after a few weeks, I realized that it wasn't entirely my fault, and in fact, it's no big surprise why I did what I did.

the people in the server manipulated me into believing that I could trust them with whatever opinion I had in mind, and then they decided to switch up on me with no warning, triggering me into an episode that led me to do something bad and out of character (because before this I haven't threatened myself since 2023), and then they blamed me for what happened, further worsening my mental state.

If that doesn't sound like reactive abuse, idk what does.

The reason why I say that is because they KNEW I had bpd, I disclosed it to everyone the same day I got diagnosed, and they all acted supportive of it, and then used that to their advantage when I was at my most vulnerable to emotional dysregulation.

Of course, I'm aware that threatening suicide isn't okay regardless, and it's triggering for some people, but at the same time, I couldn't think logically when it happened, so obviously I acted in a way that was unreasonable. I am trying to work on myself a bit more to prevent something like that from happening again, and I'm also taking mood stabilizers to help with the emotional dysregulation.

I'm just extremely frustrated at how stigmatized BPD is, because I feel like what happened was because of the stigma, and what they did just basically contributed to it, and I also feel like some of them were uneducated about bpd, which also contributed to what happened. But overall i'm still shaken from what happened, and I'd rather not be associated with that server anymore.

They did end up banning me after what happened, so in retaliation, I made my own server, which has better security measures and more strict rules regarding ableism and triggering content than the last one. A few of my friends are currently in that server, and I'm planning to publish the official link for it here on Tumblr and on youtube after I post this.

Constructive criticism on this question is welcome, because I want to know if I was in the wrong here, and if so if there are things I can do to improve myself should I be in another situation like this.

All I can say anymore is this: Niko, go fuck yourself. <3

.

[noxturnalpascal]

Life Update

It feels to be like I've been pretty absent on here and that bums me out. I had to step back a little for my mental health because the negativity in this fandom does affect me. But stepping back also bums me out because this site can be SO fun when I'm interacting with my moots and making new moots and all of us are squealing about new pics of our boyfriend together.

That being said - the MAJOR reason I have been absent in the past 2 weeks is because of travel. And oh boy.... is this a whopper of a story. So, if you're interested in a tale of insanity, read below the cut.

[TL;DR] I'm back (not that I went anywhere)

sorry I couldn't resist TUWOMT reference, I actually went a lot of places and some of them were good and some were terrible but I really am back now. (Also, I posted this at 2am apparently but did not mean to do that then, so I am reposting now)

So first of all, I was in my hometown in upstate NY last week visiting my family because we are planning to move to the West Coast after our lease is up here so we wanted to visit again before we moved across the country. I live in Florida and we drove 2 days - with our cat in tow - (because my anxiety is so bad it makes it impossible for me to step on an airplane). While I was home I took the train with my bff to Manhattan for 3 days and we hung out there, didn't get to meet Pedro Pascal even once, and took the train back to my hometown. My husband and I drove the 2 days back home and got back Sunday night. It was exhausting and I was only home for like 38 hours and then Tuesday at 1pm I began my next trip. Started with an 18 hour bus ride from Orlando to Lafayette, Louisiana to get a train from Lafayette to Los Angeles, CA. I was planning on being there 12 days before getting the train back to Lafayette and then a bus back to Orlando.

So as I've said I have a terrible fear of flying and I am also the owner of a very bad back (and since my husband and I share a car) I didn’t want to do all that driving alone (dangerous/stressful and bad back) and couldn’t fly cuz of my mental illness. So this is by no means meant to be offensive, but I’m apparently too much of a babygirl to be a bus person. I did not know this. I thought I was tough. Nope. 2.5 hours in on the bus ride and I’ve been listening to this man 2 rows in front of me play instagram reels on his phone the whole time even though the driver said 5 times (FIVE TIMES) to wear headphones….. Well the driver gets sick of it, pulls over at a gas station in the middle of nowhere and tells the guy to leave. He won't so the cops are called. The cops show up and he finally gets off the bus after a 30 min delay. I’m like….. WHAT THE FUCK? IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS??? I didn't know if this man was gonna get mad and start swinging on the bus driver or the cops..... it was scary.

The first station I was at in Orlando I almost threw up cuz I was so nervous. Before I got on the bus I went to pee and to wash my hands and there wasn’t any fucking soap in the bathroom. I thought that was bad. AND YET SOMEHOW.... every subsequent stop was somehow worse. Literally, I kept saying to myself “this can’t get any worse” ....and it kept getting worse. These are the sketchiest, dirtiest fucking places you can imagine. I was staring at this toothless old white dude behind the counter at one of their convenience stores and thought to myself “this has got to be a movie set cuz this can’t be real.” Kind of waiting for someone to jump out and say "PSYCH this is all a joke. I know the floors here look like they were mopped with literal dirt, and everyone looks angry or drugged out, but this is all fake. It's all a joke meant to make you lose your mind." But that didn't happen. I've just never experienced anything like it. I’ve never seen anything so disgusting in my life. The 2nd to last stop only had doors on 2 of the 7 bathroom stalls. One of the stations had a TV on that just played old reruns of a Jaime Fox show while every child in the building cried and coughed at alternating intervals. Yes, this was 3am, and they made three busses full of people cram into a station with not enough seats and wait around for an hour... This is not a joke. 

I felt so fucking unsafe the whole time but I had to get off the bus at the stops and walk around (cuz they made you) but also cuz I was VIOLENTLY motion sick the whole fucking ride on the bus. Like clutching a barf bag with a pounding head and miserable. Also on the bus almost everyone else had two seats to themselves and I had a seat partner the entire time, but it kept changing. First it was a girl and then a kid and they were cool but then it was cigarette smelling guy and then guy who literally wouldn’t stop accidentally touching me, including putting his elbow in my back multiple times (I have fucking herniated discs so this did NOT feel good). 

And when I tell you that my back hurt, i mean i couldn’t spread out or anything cuz someone was fucking next to me the whole time so my back was on fire. I was in so much pain I cried 3 separate times. So I couldn’t sleep cuz people kept talking and I was in pain and the ride was rough and guy kept touching me. And I just kept telling myself, ok countdown cuz you’re almost there you're almost there. And by now I told myself - this final stop - the bus/train station in Lafayette - is not going to be clean but it’s okay, because you’re going to be off the bus and it’s going to be okay.

WRONG....

When I tell you that they pulled up to a dark parking lot at 4:50am next to a building with gates drawn down over the doors and dropped me off - I was in fucking shock. “Is this building closed?”  i shouted at the bus driver. “yeah,” he says, getting back on the bus.  “Ummmm, where do i go?” I’m fucking starting to panic. “You can go sit on the platform till they open in a few hours.”  and he’s gone. 

I’m alone in the dark with my luggage at the fucking bus station in downtown Lafayette. 

Oh except I’m not alone because there are 3 men milling about, one of them keeps asking me my name, two of them ride bikes past me back and forth. I go to sit on the platform and this alarm goes off and this voice comes over the loudspeaker shouting  “THERE IS NO LOITERING ALLOWED HERE. PLEASE LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.” and repeats non-stop.  One of the guys goes “why is it doing that? Is it gonna call the police?” HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?? I FUCKING WISH IT WOULD MY DUDE, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I tell him my name to be nice and he keeps telling me i should come sit with him and this other guy cuz it’s “safer” and I’m like….   IS IT THO?!?!?!?  and he keeps saying “youve never been here? Do you wanna go see downtown? It’s a short walk, i’ll help you roll your suitcase.”   BRO WE’RE NOT GOING COURTING IT’S FUCKING FIVE IN THE MORNING. This man wants to go on a fucking stroll with me and I am just envisioning what my Forensic Files episode is gonna be like and hoping the re-enactment actor they get to play me isn't too ugly.

I’m desperately trying to call a lyft to take me literally anywhere else, and no one is accepting my ride request. FINALLY someone accepts, and after 45 minutes of sitting in the dark, trembling out of fear and cold in only a tshirt with my bags hunched around me, I get my ride. The lyft driver takes me to a Hilton hotel by the airport. I walk in, and I’m mid panic attack and crying and tell the employees there at 6am my story and ask if I can pay for a room so I have somewhere safe to hang out. They refuse to make me pay and offer me the lobby (lots of outlets and large, plush couches) for as long as I need it and tell me to help myself to the hot breakfast and coffee. Fucking Angels.

Does it stop there? No it doesn’t. Cuz I still have to go back to the train station for my train to California, which leaves at 12:30pm. So I spend HOURS in the hotel lobby, chilling and eating and it’s nice and I feel safe. I schedule a lyft to pick me up at 11:15 so I can get back to the train station with an hour before I’m scheduled to depart.

BUT OH WAIT.

10:45am I get a text that my train has been canceled. CANCELED.... Apparently, there are storms affecting the route, so my train will not be running between New Orleans and San Antonio, TX (I’m 2 stops after NO). But they will provide me BUS ACCOMMODATIONS to get me to San Antonio so I can continue my journey there.

Wrong word, my dude. BUS??? I’m fucking triggered. I start bawling like an insane person. The girls who let me stay in the lobby at this point are probably like “oh shit we thought she was normal but she’s crazy.” I call my husband, I call my mom, I call a couple friends. I’m a fucking mess. I just want to go home at this point but I’m still a 12 hour drive away (with no car of course) and OH YEAH I haven’t fucking slept!

So first thing’s first - I ask the hotel for a room and they feel terrible for me (cuz i’m a crying sniveling mess) and give me a discount on a suite and let me check in right away. I call Amtrak and cancel my train, sobbing on the phone with them (and it’s a man so he’s very awkward about it) but they give me a FULL refund. I most likely won’t get refunded at all for the VRBO rental I got for Los Angeles though. I got to the room and booked a rental car for the next day from the airport that I was like right next to, and so the plan was to sleep there overnight and get a lyft to the airport and drive back towards home the next day. 

My husband offered to take off work and drive to meet me at an airport along the watly so I wouldn't have to drive the whole 12 hours with my terrible back.  I ended up getting a Malibu which was such a nice ride and it had a lumbar support in the seat and my back felt FUCKING GREAT. I met up with my husband at our planned location and we drove home. Between the time change, massive rain storms, and construction traffic, we didn't get home till 10:30 but I fucking made it home. (Because of course with all my bad luck I was terrified that I was going to die on the way home.)

BUT IM HOME SAFE IF NOT A LITTLE WORSE FOR WEAR (mentally and physically exhausted). I will make a post later today with my plans for my writing updates. I have a new WIP I want to share and I know some of you are waiting on my current series as well.

TY always for your love and support ✌️💖🫂

[coldresolve]

rambling again but now its about trans healthcare and mental health. and the danish nhs' take on both those things which is, yknow, shit

its less rambling and more of a rant bc im tired lol

i read a statistic today that suicidal ideation for trans people who sought medical transition but were denied treatment rose by 67%. which was affirming in the sense it made me realize that maybe im not a pussy for being pretty badly affected by my last 2 denials, but also its depressing in the sense of like, good god, please just allow me to access the healthcare i need. what the fuck

i was at my GP a week ago and asked for another referral, and he was like "well its only been 5 months since they refused you last time". and i told him they wouldn't even agree to the 6 month full team psych eval that preceeds any actual prescriptions of hrt, they just called me "unstable" after a 1 hour conversation in which i specifically directly told them that i know myself, i was in a stable place in my life, im settled in my decision, i know the risks, i'm well aware of the scope of treatment, this trans thing isn't some recent thing for me, etc etc. they called me "unstable" and denied even evaluating me for treatment, because i was only 3 months in remission from a major depressive episode. which isn't a good prognosis for a trans guy who's had to deal with chronic depression for the last decade and a half. when will i ever be "stable" then? it's not like they gave me a clear timeline. (also - as if being denied treatment ever helped any trans person with depression lol. again, that statistic huh). i told my GP i want to put pressure on them, because that's literally the only option i have right now for recieving healthcare. and even after telling him all this it took a good 10 minutes of conversation before he agreed to give me a referral

and im not an unreasonable person but if they refuse treatment again im gonna file a complaint with the patient rights thingy, even though i have never filed a complaint about anything before in my life. im willing to go to the media, idgaf. i just want to be treated for dysphoria instead of being left to deal with it on my own, in the way i have been since the first time they denied me. i'm not "unstable". its been a year. i want medical care. that's it.

and the most infuriating thing is, this whole process is kinda showing me exactly why i'm not alone in this? a THIRD of transgender danes get prescriptions and surgery referrals outside the nhs, either gendergp or the black market or whatever. i don't understand how more people aren't appalled by that statistic, in a fucking supposed welfare state. like what do you want us to do? "they're self medicating" say the danish critics of gendergp, and yep, that's how it works. a person with chronic pain who gets denied treatment will probably also look for alternatives. what else do you expect them to do? are they supposed to just... be miserable?

moreover, what do you expect low income trans people like me to do, who can't afford gendergp because the cost of living crisis + insufferable rent leaves us with basically no disposable income? yo, quick question, bøgens fædreland,

what the fuck do you want me to do

[nemo-draco]

Fanwork creators self rec! When you get this, reply with your five favorite fics/art/podfics/etc. that you've made, then pass on to others. Let’s spread the self-love 🌼

(No pressure if you don't want to though!)

This is the first thing that comes to mind. It's a comic page for the Vigilante AU, featuring @kkolg 's version of Bendy and my own characters for the AU, including a version of Dewey.

This one is a drawing set in a future chapter for my Ups and Downs fanfiction, which is an off-shoot AU from the Henry and the Ink Machine AU from @thelostmoongazer . Bendy having gotten out of the studio but unfortunately this comes with new hardships, but at least he's not alone and he has a bed to crash in this time as he heals.

This series was for a comic set in my FNF AU, Sing Together, which I'm still in the process of writing. The comic admittedly features characters that don't appear just yet, but when I saw the Psych Port for the Whitty Mod, the idea wouldn't leave me alone.

I woke up and he was screaming.

I’d left him dreaming.

I roll over and shake him tightly, and whisper “If they want you, then they’re gonna have to fight me,”

(Oh, fight me)

This one was for the Friendly Globetrotter AU, which also features characters from Cuphead given that its a crossover pile-up to end crossover pile-ups. Heard the song and immediately what came to mind was Bon Bon comforting Djimmi following a nightmare about what the majority of the Isle had been through with the Devil, Djimmi especially given that he has precognitive powers in this AU and probably got a few warnings about what was going to happen to him specifically. Either way, not a fun time.

And, well, this right here is what got me back into fandom after a long time away, and also sparked a lot of really great friendships, so couldn't not include it, y'know? This is the actual fanfiction referenced in the drawing of Bendy above, and pretty much details a year in the life of a group of toons and their animator dad. Still working on it, hoping to update soon.

[theflyindutchwoman]

What is your opinion in Lucy being UC? Because for me it doesn't make sense. She has literally been in like 3 documentaries. I feel like that is too much exposure for her.

And there is the whole Tim issue. I don't think Tim will ever be truly okay with her being a UC.

I think i would rather her just be a detective.

Personally… I'm relatively divided on the whole UC storyline, documentaries aside. I can't say that this is the path I imagined Lucy taking, as it seems rather antithetical to who she is and what she wants. At the same time, I do like seeing her undercover, playing different characters, getting more and more confident... There's one aspect in particular that I love : it's how covert ops taps into her background. Being a former psych major helps her create these different personae and adapt to the situation at hand. But more than that : she can draw on her life experience to guide her. She has tried different things before joining the Academy and that gave her a wealth of knowledge that she can use to her advantage. Psychology alone isn't enough for her, she needs the action, the danger… Undercover work gives her the opportunity to combine both aspects.

That said, I'm curious to see how this type of work could affect her. Being isolated, constantly being on edge, not seeing her loved ones for long period at times, leaving people behind, living a lie… It can get too much, real fast, especially for someone as empathetic as her. So far, she hasn't really seen that ugly side of the work, the one we've heard so much about… I think this is something she needs to experience so she can make an informed decision. But even if she decides that being a UC isn't for her after all, she can still work in covert ops. There is more to it than just being undercover. Or she could indeed just be a detective. At the end of the day, she is beginning her career, it's normal that she is still figuring it out. She deserves that chance. And that's why I want her to make the final decision on her own terms, whether she stays on track for undercover work or change path. So as nonsensical as it might be to send her undercover after the documentaries, I'm at least glad that this isn't used as a random reason against her, to prevent her from going forward with her career (at least, for now).

As far as the documentaries go… I actually already discussed this, so I hope you don't mind if I basically repeat what I wrote. At this point, I think we should simply take these documentaries for what they are : an opportunity for the writers to develop ridiculous plots and have fun, even though they don't make much sense… The last one was so over the top that I loved it - but I can understand that it's a bit hard to suspend your disbelief here… especially regarding the UC arc. I didn't mind Lucy being in them at first - or Nyla for that matter. Not to stereotype here, but I'm not sure the criminals she goes after watch these type of documentaries. And even if they were, they would still have to remember her specifically. I mean, only one person in-universe has ever referenced these episodes… and that lady was a director herself, who didn't apparently recognised Lucy (5.06). That last one, on the other hand… Let's just say that outing her as an undercover cop was definitely a choice… When the promo aired, I thought for sure that this issue was going to be addressed. I even wondered if I had missed a conversation or something after watching the episode. I guess, we're just supposed to pretend that it doesn't matter since not one single person raised the issue of Lucy being in the spotlight when she should be in the shadows. Then again, the LAPD doesn't see a problem with advertising a whole conference about covert operations… So we clearly have a very different definition of secrecy. That said, maybe this will come back later and someone will recognise her. That's always a possibility - though it would seriously make the whole department look incompetent for not considering that ahead of time…

I also touched on the whole Tim issue in another ask, so here's what I wrote. Tim absolutely knew about all of this and still decided that it was worth the risk. He was aware of her choice of career long before he even realised his feelings for her. From the moment she graduated, he's been nothing but supportive towards her goal. He was the one to convince her to go to the UC Academy. He asked her out mere days/weeks after she last went under (seriously, that was the episode right before). Undercover work is even the reason why they got together in the first place… which is so ironic when you think about it. When he said they were worth taking the risk, he meant it. Just like when he told Isabel that Lucy was different, I have no doubt he also meant it. He has some experience in the matter, he has some inklings as to what being separated for months truly means. And let's not forget that he knows what's it like not to be supported… Ashley was trying to make him quit his job because she suddenly wasn't okay with it - I can't see him doing the same to Lucy. I believe that Tim's biggest challenge will be to express his feelings, since he tends to internalise them. That's why I'm glad that he and Lucy were able to set boundaries and open up about this. They can only make it work if they're both honest and communicate with each other.

And last but not least, your last point about preferring Lucy to just be a detective. That's perfectly fair - and I know you're not the only one feeling this way. For what it's worth, even if she were to stay in covert ops, odds are she would mostly work as a detective (provided that she passes the exam, of course, and she doesn't get blocked). I seriously doubt the writers will create a different persona for every episode - it would get old fast - or let her spend too many episodes undercover… It's a procedural after all. I'm a bit unsure as to where the writers are going here… But The Rookie was first and foremost a show about patrol. That was what distinguished it from other cop shows. So far, we already have Nyla and Angela as detectives… Having Lucy doing UC might simply be a way for them to keep things fresh and avoid having three regular detectives.

I hope this answers your questions :) (I also hope you won't mind the copy-paste of previous answers but since the asks were pretty similar, it was faster this way - this isn't a knock against you at all. It's also a good reminder that I need to up my tagging game).

[tessenpai]

The tragedy of Kiryuu Ousuke

Hello, everyone! It has been a while!! I haven't been posting much in the last few months, and many things have been happening in the KOT world. I'm back with an essay/character analysis on one of my favorite "Kono Oto Tomare!" characters: Kiryuu Ousuke.

If you are not up to date with the manga, be aware that there are major spoilers!! There is so much I want to say about him. He is such a polarizing character, with such a complex psyche it just makes me want to dissect his behavior every time he appears. I will share some of my thoughts about him with you. Ousuke is first introduced to us as a happy-go-lucky guy. One of the two male members of the Meiryou Koto Club (Although we never knew much about Tsutsumin until recently). He seems shallow, a flirt, and it doesn't look like he takes much seriously. It is also a mask. A shield he wears to guard an insecure little boy that is afraid to be left alone, and who has taught himself to be a leader in the darkness. We can glimpse early on that there's more to Ousuke than what he shows, in some of his off-handed comments while talking to the Tokise Koto Club. With a smile that makes goosebumps raise in your arms, he lets us readers know that with just a glimpse, he can see inside the hearts of every person he crosses. He understands their behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses... And he will use them to guide his club and himself toward his goals.

I will go ahead and say it: He is scary. He is the kind of guy who would be a tyrant and a villain if he used his abilities for evil. And that's where his character becomes beautiful and devastating to me. He doesn't become one. He becomes a leader with one of the purest and most ancient purposes known to mankind. Make the woman he loves happy. We learn of Ousuke's backstory in chapter 23. A sickly child, he describes his own childhood as "Just my room and the scenery outside the window. The hospital bed and the smell of medicine. And a sweet melody coming from somewhere I don't know". Growing up isolated is hard. Being sick is just terrible. Not being able to do anything to change that is miserable. You understand that other children go outside, play, fight, make up, and laugh with one another. And while you want to do the same, build relationships, and just do as others and live, your body betrays you. Other children will hardly change their routines to accommodate you... Even less if they barely see you and they don't know you at all. So, simply put, Ousuke circumstances leave him starved for human connection with no ability to change his situation. We can see that when some of his classmates invite him to play with him on one of the rare occasions he is able to attend school. Ousuke knows he shouldn't, but he agrees to play with them because this is his chance to actually make friends... And maybe he will not be so lonely if he can fit in, just that one time. But he collapses, and the parents of the other children scold them for putting Ousuke's health at risk.

The kids get mad at Ousuke because "They got in trouble because of him". Ousuke's illness is thrown in his face. There is a clear line drawn between himself and the other kids. A line that tells him that "He is meant to be alone".

And suddenly Asano appears in his life. A lively girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, she is the one person who extends her hand to Ousuke to lead him to a bright world full of music, smiles, and belonging.

She is not like the other kids. Instead of disregarding Ousuke, she finds a way for them to be together. Ousuke's illness was such a huge part of his life, it practically became his identity. And Asano looked at the illness and said "This is nothing". Alone in his room, Ousuke always longed for the sweet melody that he could hear in the distance. Asano took Ousuke's hand and brought him to that unknown place that would become his home, and the one thing he would protect with his life. No, not the koto. The girl who brought the koto to him and destroyed with a smile any notion of him "meaning to be alone".

From here, we, for the first time, see what the real Ousuke is like. He is happy and so open with his emotions! And allow me to inform you, he will not hesitate to tell anyone who will listen that he loves Asa-chan. And that love gets thrown in his face like it's something foul. Other children start taunting them for being so close. "Asano, you like younger boys? How dirty"... But Asano won't be intimidated and pretty much tells them to go take a hike. It reminds me in some way of Chika when he said that telling someone you love them should not be something to be embarrassed about. Again, this girl WILL tell you how she feels and will wear her emotions on her sleeve.

However, the bullying escalates, slowly turning into harassment. And Ousuke is terrified. Not for him, but for her. Because if it gets worse, there is no way he can stay by her side without her being hurt. Without her ultimately losing her smile...

So Ousuke puts on a carefully crafted mask that will shield her from hurt. A mask that will hide the real Ousuke, but will allow him to be by her side to protect her.

And in the process, Ousuke discovers that he has a very very rare talent. While he doesn't like people (in general) all that much, he can see them. For him, they are like a book laid open for him to read, and the information he learns from those books molds his mask. People will not hurt Asa-chan, not on his watch. He understands how much of himself to show people, who he has to become in front of them for them to put their trust in him. Because having their trust also means they also hear his suggestions. Having their trust means they will not want to hurt or harass those he loves.

No, Ousuke does not like people. He has been burned too many times for that to happen. People can be shitty and will throw your weaknesses in your face. But Ousuke loves, fiercely. And he will do anything in his power to protect the happiness of the few he gives his love to. And at the top of that list, by far, is Asano.

We, as readers, come to understand where those veiled smiles of his come from. And is a privilege reserved only for us. Because no one else gets to see behind his mask anymore.

Not Yotchan, who was his first koto teacher. He believes Ousuke understands and adjusts to people so well because he likes them. Ousuke in response gives him the smile and says "I wish it was because of such a beautiful reason".

Not his classmates nor clubmates, who only know a happy-go-lucky guy who they rely on when it comes to koto. A guy who will smile and laugh with you and actually gives incredible suggestions, who somehow brings the very best out of their sound.

Not even Asano... The only person he will drop his mask with... But who is not able to distinguish the Ousuke who always said "I love Asa-chan" from the masked one who will flirt and be a playboy with every other girl.

I called this post "The tragedy of Kiryuu Ousuke" because, for me, Ousuke is the one character in this manga whose efforts simply never give him the reward everyone is rooting him to get: To Asano to look at him and realize he is a man who loves her fiercely and sacrificed his own self just to be by her side and protect her smile.

Because, for Asano, there never really was a change. That child grew up alongside her and grew to be a social butterfly. He is funny, he is happy, he is a flirt, and he takes the koto very seriously. He brings brightness and certainty to the koto world she loves so much.

Ousuke truly developed a rare skill. He is able to see others for who they truly are... And he doesn't judge them for it. When you pause and look at it you come to realize that Ousuke truly doesn't blame people for the things they do or how they act, even if they hurt him. Ousuke objectively understands that those behaviors come from people's circumstances. And as such he is the one who adjusts to them. He is the one that, within his capabilities, molds himself to fit. Who communicates, will hear their concerns, and will try to fix everything so everyone in the bright world Asa-chan brought him to can be happy.

And above it all... He also sees himself as he truly is behind the mask. Every insecurity, every weakness, every ugly part... He acknowledges and faces them. And only we, the readers, get to see them through his eyes.

And this is the moment to address the elephant in the room. Ousuke's biggest insecurity: The fact that the person he loves most in the world... Loves someone else.

You see, being able to understand people so well is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, he is able to discern, regardless of appearances, the goodness within people. With one glance.

He is also able to see the bullshit. The people who lash out because of some bias. And he will call them out on it.

On the other, he can also see that the girl he loves has a smile that is reserved uniquely for their school advisor. That he is the one she will look for when she needs a shoulder to cry on, and whose approval she will ask for just after a major performance.

And it hurts. Because maybe all his work, all his efforts to protect her happiness and her world are meaningless. Because maybe it is his own selfishness and need to be by her side that confined him behind the mask. Because maybe she never needed him to do that. Because maybe she only needs Yotchan, and he is just a secondary character in her life, while for him, she is his life.

And it is a tragedy because he makes peace with that fact. He is not expecting Asano to recognize the Ousuke behind the mask. He in fact doesn't even expect her to return his feelings. Because he will be happy as long as he can be by her side while she smiles. And any insecurity that may threaten that? Even if they are his own feelings? Even if it's his true self?

He will crush it.

And I, as a reader who got the privilege to look at his true self, can just root for his tragedy to end. Because I want to be a little bit selfish, and let the guy truly win. Not the Nationals everyone is so focused on, and he wants to gift to the girl he loves to get one of those smiles... But a future where she smiles at his side... And she looks at him and loves him for who he truly is.

[mochiwrites]

GETS MY RABIES FOWM ALL OVER THE FLOOR EHRNEHRBRHRBHRNRBDHEHSHSLNs I'm so. The fucking circus. It's so fucking nice to see how you're taking an extremely traumatic event for Grian and actually keeping it. You've always been one of my literal fucking favorite ever fic writers but god is it still refreshing to see a traumatic situation not used as shock value. Grian being affected through nightmares, flashbacks, looking over his shoulder, being even more glued to Mumbo, it's so. GOD!!!! I can see all the ways it's gotten to him and how he's trying so fucking hard to just move on bc he doesn't want to be miserable and scared. He's so tired of being scared. It's so clear

yeah !!!!!!

one of my biggest things in writing is portraying trauma accurately. it’s the ex-psych major in me DHFHTHTGG

but showing the after effects of the circus is so important to me because that is grian’s first real traumatic experience and you don’t. Just get over that. I mean, he had that whole bit of having never really ??? thought about death before ???? but now the circus forced him to and it’s a big thing.

and I 100% feel you on the treating traumatic events being used as shock value and nothing more because it. Happens so often. and it’s so ???? very frustrating to see as a writer. and like — oh my god I didn’t realize how much impact the circus has on the story. because the circus hasn’t just impacted grian. it’s impacted mumbo as well.

there was a fic I was writing that I didn’t go anywhere with, but there was a scene in there that showcased the impact the circus had on mumbo and I’m just. gonna through this snippet here because I probably won’t use it for anything (?) soooo!

“I don’t need babysitting!” Grian snaps at him, looking at him with offense. “I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself, thank you very much!”

“Mate, I hate to be the one to break it to you but you are notorious at this point for getting into trouble,” Mumbo retorts, deadpan. “The last thing we need is you getting into trouble while I’m not there. And there’s quite a bit of monsters that live in this area … so, Scar.”

“May I remind you that this is the same guy who kidnapped me and tried to kill me, Mumbo?” Grian reminds him with a rather unhappy look. He and Scar may be building some sort of friendship, but he’s not particularly fond of the idea of being left alone with him. For who knows how long.

“Hey, I thought we were past that!” Scar cries, gaze falling on Grian.

“I never said I forgave you. Or forgot,” Grian smoothly replies, turning his frown to Scar. “But seriously Mumbo, I appreciate the concern but I promise I’ll stay wherever! I won’t run off,” he swears. “Scar does not need to stay.”

“Yeah!” Scar agrees. “You know I’ll be helpful in whatever information we can get. I’m not a charmer for nothing, after all.”

Mumbo sighs quietly, “I’m just… worried, alright?” If he’s being honest the idea of leaving Grian alone for more than ten minutes makes him anxious. A million different situations run through his mind, and Mumbo can’t stomach the thought. “The last time you were left alone you were kidnapped, and it,” he lets out a small little self deprecating chuckle, “well I’m worried about something happening to you. And I trust Scar to keep you safe.” He gives the fae a pointed look.

Something in Grian immediately softens at that, as he takes in Mumbo’s slightly crestfallen expression. He knows the vampire still feels guilty about the circus, but Grian never really stopped to think how else the circus may have affected him. He’s noticed the way that Mumbo has seemed a bit more jumpy lately, the way he seems so reluctant to let Grian leave his sight.

and just. AUGH T^T

but yeah. Yeah. grian is Still feeling that impact from the circus, and so is mumbo. and mumbo’s thing is def smth I want to work in but yeah. yeah

[mistydeyes]

hi, i was wondering if you're still doing pairings for mw2? if not, just ignore this <3

LOOKS: bi woman with chest-long black hair with the lower half of it dyed red, pale, brown eyes. my style is goth, so i'm usually seen with big eyeliner and black lipstick and wearing my meather jacket, demonias and usually some ripped clothes depending if i wanna dress like a victorian vampire or a homeless ghoul

PERSONALITY: I'm sarcastic and blunt, not afraid to clap back if someone does me wrong, pretty foul-mouthed (as my mum says) and I struggle with showing my emotions which usually makes me seem cold and distant at first, but I'll warm up a bit after some time — i have a soft spot, i'm just tough to crack. I don't like to follow rules which gets me into trouble sometimes, my love language is (gently) bullying my friends but I'm also the mum friend, so I look out for them, give them scary dog privileges when they walk with me and bring them coffee and food to work. I prefer to be alone, usually listening to music, reading books or going on a walk at the local graveyard, but I also enjoy the company of a good friend in silence.

I study psychology and I give tutoring lessons to kids. I also prefer to stay quiet unless I'm with close friends, I'm very attentive and tend to psychoanalyze everything and everyone around me, even myself, so I usually figure out if something's off. I also struggle with my mental health and anger issues, but I'm working on it.

Thank you if you still do the pairings and don't worry if you don't, I'll gladly reread your fics instead <3 Much love – 🕷

Simon "Ghost" Riley (a/n: aww thanks for the kind words anon! hope you enjoy this!!)

How you met: Civilian You sighed as you finished up your tutoring lesson with your group of primary school students. Your group of 6 and 7 year olds learned various homophones and how to spell them. It wasn't your favorite lesson to tutor but you enjoyed giving out stickers for their achievements. As their parents came to pick them up, one of your students sat patiently. "My Uncle Simon is picking me up today," he excitingly reminded you. His father and mother, the Mactavish's, were out of town so they informed you that a Simon Riley would be picking up the young boy. "I see him!" he yelled and was about to run off before you stopped him. "I just need to check his ID and you're good to go," you gently said before he sat back down in his chair. When Simon finally approached, he was much different than what you had expected. He wore a black hoodie with jeans and a face mask. He also towered over you as you asked for his ID. After he presented you with his military ID (you put the pieces together as to how him and Johnny were acquainted), you let the excited boy go. He quickly gripped on to Simon's forearm and swung from it as he signed the sign-out sheet. "Uncle Simon, Uncle Simon, can we get ice cream on the way home?" he asked as Simon looked down to the little child. "As long as you can tell me what you learned today, your parents pay good money for you to get tutored," he laughed slightly and you could see the corner of his eyes perk up. "Thanks again Miss," he nodded to you before leaving. As you packed up your things, you secretly hoped he would be back for pick-up again.

A peek into your relationship: "Alright level 1," you said as you picked up the white card, "what was your first impression of me?" "Why are we playing this again?" he asked as you laid in his lap. "Because Simon, I'm a psych major 'We're not really strangers' is a game that was made for me," you dramatically said as you dangled the card in his face. "Alright," he said as he thought over his next words, "definitely didn't expect you to be a tutor, you looked like a witch or a vampire who eats kids," he joked. You punched his shoulder lightly, "I'm sorry at least I didn't show up looking like the grim reaper." "But after I heard the little MacTavish talk about you, I thought you weren't all that bad and had a soft spot for kids," he finished and you were satisfied with the answer. "As for you, I thought that even though you looked scary, the way you entertained Johnny Jr. and took him out for ice cream was cute," you replied as you smiled up at him. "I also may or may not have asked him some covert questions if you were single or not," you winked and Simon laid a kiss on your forehead. "Yeah, he also might have told me your ideal date was in a fucking graveyard," he replied and you both laughed as Johnny Jr. was correct and the rest was history.

[sharonisthebettercarter]

I understand what your saying, it's just that I have 0 sympathy (let alone empathy) for Homelander's grown ass. Also, Homelander is fictional. Finn from star wars went through hell and he managed to leave.

i understand that from a place that you might not like in all honesty.

have you considered that maybe part of why you feel that way is because... society taught you to feel that way?

finn is a different person from homelander with a different situation from him. yes, different. because finn *at least* had a *catalyst* or epiphany of some kind required to recognize and then *move* on or forward from his situation. homelander *has not*, and to some degree it is doubtful he will get that.

and to be the bearer of bad news yet again, generally? that's not necessarily a *realistic* take on abusive situations and correlates *directly* with survivor's bias.

this is super duper important to remember. just because *such and such could do it*, does not mean *oh well this guy can too*. it just doesn't. that's why the word *survivor* exists.

and as of yet, homelander is not quite a survivor, but he *is* still a victim...

even worse that society perpetually uses survivor's bias *against* victims but that's not okay either. one or two people surviving and getting out of a situation doesn't mean we suddenly stop feeling or caring for victims still stuck in the same situation, could you imagine???

honestly, idk HOW the world manages to function with bullshit like this, but picture this.

two planes going down heading towards the ocean full of people.

survivor's bias creating a lack of empathy is like one plane suddenly fixing their problems and no longer being in trouble, and because *that* plane fixed its issues, the other which mind you is *STILL GOING DOWN AND IN MAJOR TROUBLE* is just expected to *magically* correct course and no longer be in trouble, and if it doesn't well fuck all those people who are about to die--

when WHAT THE FUCK!?!? that's not how life fucking works!!!

and yet this is the bullshit CAPITALISM especially super promotes. because one billionaire is clearly worth far more than a billion poor people and deserves his wealth WAY more than the homeless or hungry for... reasons i guess.

*in capitalism, a majority of people *MUST* FAIL in order for a select few to *super succeed* and benefit, so OF COURSE *survivor's bias* would be heavily promoted to keep the idea popular among those suffering. we all think "well if *I* could be that ONE..." except, statistically, the likelihood of that is slim to fucking nothing! this ideology does not remain exclusive to financial situations, it *translates* to other parts of society and *destroys* healthy thinking*

and to a degree i get it, empathy is not an easy thing to feel. i know some forms of neurodivergence cause difficulty with this. for me, it's this too, except when i'm not the densest motherfucker on the planet, i *can't* turn the setting fucking off, even if i wanted to (and it is hella overloading, overwhelming, and exhausting).

i can't *not* feel it, even for (and especially for well written) fictional characters, even for real people i might not want to admit deserve it, or even if i don't think they deserve it, sometimes *especially* if i don't think they deserve it.

very very very very rarely does it just... 'check out'. it is a genuine problem.

but understanding the human psyche to the fullest extent is *how* we *break* these cycles of abuse, repair the damage, and prevent it from happening further. and that requires *empathy* in every single sense we can possibly bring it forth.

the reason creative people bother creating shit like the boys isn't just to entertain, it's because good artists tend to *see* the problems in society and in turn often want to help *amend* them by teaching lessons with their creative works.

if we as a society want to improve and change and get better in reality, we'd do well to start listening and noticing in fiction.

good fucking GAWD if i have to see more and more of the white tiger situation from humanity--

listen. humans are fucking STUPID.

we hunt white tigers to near extinction. inbreed them to high hell which causes a shit ton of problems while fucking up their genes. AND THEN PROCEED BLAME THEM FOR THE PROBLEMS AND GENES WE FUCKED UP AND CAUSED INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN ACTIONS--

the gene that makes them white is actually a harmless genetic variant that is the same gene that makes a chicken white. it is with no doubt the HUMANS that fucked up the white tiger gene pool. but let me put this in a different sorta place or perspective.

WE made homelander.

we all played a part, because we're all part of a society, we enabled and allowed him happen, the abuse to occur, and then his abuse to persist, and if we feel *nothing*, truly *nothing* for this THING that SOCIETY created when WE ARE PART OF IT.

we. are. just. as. fucking. GUILTY.

and we should... really take some fucking accountability for that hot mess... least that's how i see it. can't *not* see it.

[lexa-gui]

I can't believe I'm finally done! I had a blast making this video, it's been my baby for ages. It's my take on a more darkish continuation of canon. Mind the TW in the video description! This video gets a lot darker than its canon basis.

Here's a thorough explanation of everything in the vid (also TW for attempted suicide):

So! Basically, I kept canon the same here, except for a couple of things. Merlin doesn't age physically (unlike what we see in the show's ending) and Kilgharrah gets replaced with a GoT dragon xd (what can I say the VFX are much cooler). Whenever you see bearded merlin though, that's an older post-Arthur merlin. And the video jumps back and forward a bit.

It starts with an older post-Camelot Merlin (00:05) (during the witch burnings), and then there's a clip that's supposed to be earlier on when Gwen is still alive and queen (00:15) (after Arthur's death though). It's a battle/invasion that I'll leave open for interpretation because I didn't think through it a lot xd, but it can't be in Camelot (the city) itself obviously, because of the sea. I'm thinking they went to a coastal fortress to defend themselves against the invading Saxons.

Then we have more battles (00:23) (I'm thinking the one in season 4, where Merlin calls on Kilgharrah, since he's supposed to die in season 5).

Then we have some visuals for the great purge (00:33).

I leant on a couple of fan theories: that Merlin is magic itself made flesh and blood, and that his birth was a direct result of the great purge (that is to say, because such a great amount of magic was snuffed out suddenly, it concentrated and poured itself into merlin -- basically balance, and magic being this immutable force that can't be created or destroyed, only transformed and passed on).

Then we get to see Merlin through the ages, until the present day (01:10), struggling with his immortality. There's a callback to Camelot and the witch hunts (01:25), and then we get Camlann! Where he called on Kilgarrah this time! (01:36) It is intercut with a later post-canon scene, where Guinevere has been captured by some warlord or another at some point (01:45). Leon goes to Merlin for help and rescues her (this is not long after Arthur's death, which is why Merlin still looks like he does in canon).

At (01:56) we get Camlann again.

Then we have Merlin losing Gwen and Leon to the years (02:01), and we see the impact of being alone throughout eternity on his psyche. We get some nightmares (02:19), mostly centred on Arthur (because they'd absolutely be -- #merthurforlife).

There's Merlin talking down some soldiers going after him during the witch hunts (02:36). In (02:43) we see Merlin in Avalon lake (now I'll be honest here, my intention wasn't to put Merlin on the isle, since I'm not sure if it's even supposed to be accessible xd but I couldn't find a way to put him on the other margin, so let's just assume all is well xd).

We get Merlin in present-day (02:44), still chasing breadcrumbs (and maybe even starting to doubt his sanity a little bit? -- see "Was King Arthur a real person?").

And then,,,, the attempted suicides (02:49). Because you can't tell me a person with Merlin's behemoth amount of trauma wouldn't develop a major depression after lifetimes of waiting around alone -- not even knowing quite what he's waiting for or if it'll ever happen). Aaaaaaand (03:06) Merlin has maybe lost it a little bit. I think he tries to venture into necromancy and some,,,, not-great stuff (magic-wise).

But we catch a glimpse of Arthur at (03:19) so either it worked or... well, you decide.

Also at (03:11), we have a painting of Gwen in the background of Buckingham palace. It was commissioned by Merlin sometime during the renaissance period (does not mean that the painting itself is renaissance style). He made sure it found its way into the royal treasuries and it is displayed to this day, so it would probably have been the work of a famous artist. (In reality, it is a very beautiful portrait by Thérèse Schwartze that I have edited to feature Angel Coulby).

[kingdomoftyto]

WHOOOOoooof okay now THAT was an ending

Thoughts on Ace Attorney Investigations 2 behind the cut!

Some of my criticisms from the previous game carry over to this one, for sure--the pacing/structure is not as engaging as the main series imo, the logic puzzles are often too easy, etc--but the cases and story more than make up for all that. It still took me ages to get through compared to how I flew through AA1 through AA4, again due to the structure making some sections a slog, but I personally LOVED Logic Chess as a new mechanic (goofy as hell, but with a bit of challenge and evoking the rush of breaking Psyche-locks more than Apollo's Perceive ability could ever dream of), and when capital-p-Plot was happening it was always a thrill.

Honestly I feel like the reason the first Investigations suffered so badly is that there wasn't much emotional or narrative payoff for any of the new characters or ideas they introduced, let alone their failure to do much of anything with Miles himself or any of the other established characters. (I mean, we got Franziska working for Interpol, which is awesome, but not at lot else off the top of my head.)

Kay certainly has an arc in AAI1, but it's never given the... weight?... that it deserves, and tbh it's kind of forgettable compared to the other big character arcs in this series. The turmoil she goes through in Forgotten Turnabout, on the other hand, with that big moment at the end where she regains her memories?? My heart!! And THEN in the game's epilogue where she forms the new Yatagarasu team with Miles and Gumshoe???? AAHHHGGHH they're family!!

HHHNGH and that's the core of it, there: the running theme of family being so inescapable in this game was its major strength! I don't care if it's corny or a little heavy-handed--it's GOOD. This franchise is NOT subtle about its focus on found family, including more literal adopted families than I can think of in any other series... basically ever. I realized right away that Justine was John's adopted mother, and the theme of adopted families being real families just carries on and on and on throughout this game (and every other Ace Attorney game) in a way that warms my heart.

Miles and Franziska are family. Miles and Kay are family. Miles and Ray, Katherine and Jeff, Justine and John--hell, in the end, even Simon and Dogen are goddamn family!! It never, ever gets old, and I love it every. single. time.

Relatedly, it was an absolute treat to see Gregory's POV. That whole section was amazing, for so many reasons. Getting to see the details of That Case, with the cherry on top being Miles clearing Master's name and setting him free after all these years... Extremely satisfying. A bittersweet chapter, but ultimately heartwarming.

...And god, the entire premise of "Miles must choose whether he wants to remain a prosecutor or become a defense attorney like his dad" is just so perfect. It's flawless. It's exactly what a game about Miles Edgeworth should BE. And their execution leaves absolutely nothing to be desired. Him working unofficially as an attorney's assistant, then dramatically surrendering his badge mid-interrogation, then guiding Sebastian toward his own future as a prosecutor unburdened by Blaise's ideals, then finishing everything up with that brilliant little epilogue where he decides to fix the system and find the truth by fighting from the same side he's been on all along......!!! The way it dovetails so expertly (and tragically!!) with Phoenix's disbarment and subsequent quest to rewrite the justice system, which we know is about to kick off barely more than a week later in the timeline...!!!!!!

GOD.

On the one hand, I totally understand why this game never got localized, because I'll admit the Investigations games just don't have the same... presence and... and polish? feel? as the main series, which I'm sure resulted in underwhelming sales.

But at the same time, it's an absolute shame, because this game is everything AAI1 should have been, and it does SO MUCH for Miles as a character. I hope fans are able to play it or at least see it be played, because it's a great story that deserves to be experienced!!

Now excuse me while I drown in Miles Edgeworth feelings for the rest of the night

[thatonesystemig]

Lmao I just had a flashback but it was a little funny and not rly traumatizing + rant I wanna get out bc dumb flashbacks

It shall be under the read more

Okay so like. I had a flashback of my ex calling me being like "do you still love me" like a month after they broke up w me and saying yes bc I was afraid to say what was really on my mind. I find this funny bc they'd say shit like "oh I don't love you as much as our other partner but one day you'll get there eventually" like why tf do you care??? You also got into a new relationship the week after we broke up and bragged about it so LMAO

Like there was so fucking much I held back from saying in that relationship like. The fact I didn't say what was on my mind the majority of the time bc I was terrified of them. I was terrified of them being angry w me and triggering me by yelling at me/talking down to me per usual.

I lied to them so much bc they were angry w me no matter what I did and never trusted me so what was the point in being honest w them about how I felt if they were gonna yell at me about it and trigger me. I stopped telling the truth bc every time I did they'd get mad. I could never tell them how I really felt bc they'd get mad at me and yell at me.

Hell I couldn't even have a breakdown without them both yelling at me and telling me how selfish and embarrassing I was for doing it.

Or them telling me I did it on fucking purpose for attention. At one point I just lied and said yeah I totally did it for attention so they'd leave me the fuck alone.

They wonder why I stayed high most of the relationship. I'd rather be numb than put up with the constant arguing. Numb is the closest thing to being dead anyways lmao and I constantly wanted to die bc of them. Yet I never gave up bc I fucking loved them and was under the illusion they loved me and I felt obligated to stay with them because they put in my head that I was so much effort and work. They made me feel like THEY stayed with me out of obligation too. "Love is a promise". But I can only blame myself bc at one point I relied on them too heavily and went to then for everything under the sun then they resented me for it and it's my own damn fault

"I love you you just make me so angry" - one of my exes

"Oh I bet they only get angry with you so much because they love you so much!!!" - my other ex

Funny now that I'm in a normal relationship with my fiance......he doesn't constantly get angry and I'm not anxious any time he texts me like I was with yall.

How tf did yall think it was normal in a relationship to be constantly angry and yelling and arguing with your partner and going as far as to tell them "oh I don't love you as much as him but you'll get there at some point!!! We just gotta build it up!!!"

Yeah

Since I couldn't express these thoughts to them I'm getting them out on this tumblr now as kinda like a personal journal.

They like to pretend that they did fucking nothing wrong, tell our friends I'm spreading rumors when they know what they fucking did, and pretend to be oh so hurt when they never acted like they cared in the first fucking place ahahhaha. To them I was just a sex toy and emotional punching bag.

I was so anxious every time I went to their apartment bc I felt unwanted. It was always so awkward. I could tell that despite being with one of them for 10 years and the other for just 3 I was a third wheel.

I should've listened to all my friends telling me how shitty they were to me. All the family members. All the fucking girls he did it to too.

I wish I could've ended it just 1-2 years in to the original relationship.

Would've saved me all this trauma and getting an official CPTSD diagnosis ahahhaha. Maybe I could still work a normal fucking job and be a functional human being without constant nightmares and flashbacks and thoughts.

They live in my head constantly. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth fucking going on to live with the trauma despite my life being better than it ever has been. My psych told me it may take many, many years for it to finally dull to the point where it doesn't effect me so much with the shit they put me through, and to just keep Journaling and keep up with my meds and etc. She said there's a chance it may stay with me for the rest of my life. And what fucking sucks is I FINALLY overcome my childhood trauma then the trauma with them hits and keeps hitting. Harder and harder. Each day.

I don't want to call what they did abuse but my psych says it is, otherwise it wouldn't have effected me so badly and caused me to have CPTSD.

My life has been a constant train wreck up until recently. I have a lot to live for. My fiance, my kids, my family, everyone in my life. I have a huge support system and I'm so lucky for it. But it gets so fucking hard to cope with. And I wonder if despite how great things are going, if it's worth living the rest of my life in this misery.

No I'm not actively suicidal. For the first time in my life I don't want to die. Again I have shit to live for, plus God put me here for a reason. Another thing is, like my friend brought up, is spite. I'm spiteful. If I died I know they'd get some satisfaction out of it knowing that they won and I'll keep a majority of the shit they did to me to myself so I keep on living. I keep on drawing. I keep on making the best out of the shitshow that the trauma causes in my brain, all out of spite babey.

Am I gonna pubically humiliate them? Am I gonna call them out? Am I gonna go into deep detail about all the shit they did to me and not just graze the surface? No. I'm gonna take most of the more traumatizing shit they did to me to the grave. Mainly bc it'll give them some resemblance of power over me, theyll feel this sense of winning over me, and they can twist the story to be "oh he's mentally unstable and spreading rumors" just like he did with the rest of the fucking girls. The 3-5, idk i lost count but a lot of em tried to warn me and ill forever hate myself for it. What i dont get is how that many fucking girls came forward and i was too stupid to listen bc he convinced me they were just jealous. I only blame myself. And I fucking hate myself for it and it's part of what drove me into psychosis for a few months.

But I am going to rant about a few things they did and how deeply it effected me, and I feel this is a safe place to do so as I have like. No followers and no one rly reads these things lol.

This is more like a journal than anything. A blog I plan to show to my psych so she can adjust my meds properly and do a lil bit of therapy with me.

Idc what they tell our friends anymore. Idc if no one fucking believes me. I know the truth and so do they. They can twist it however the fuck they want but that doesn't change that what happened happened and what they did effected me like this, regardless if they think I'm "over exaggerating" or not

Fuck yall for making me feel like I was so broken that yall loved me only because you were obligated to do so.

"Love is a promise" right???? Oh wait I'm sorry I mean "love is an obligation regardless if you despise and resent the people you love or not because theyre oh so broken and would fall apart without you"