#i'm happy she's not suffering anymore but jesus fucking christ

[grungepoetica]

just got told in the most dismissive way possible that my childhood cat died. i'm gonna go scream in the woods now.

[effei-s]

remember shatter-me juliette who really cared for people? yeah, that's her now.

six soldiers die protecting juliette in restore me.

juliette: i'm too busy fucking my boyfriend to care about them (dudes probably had wives, kids, relatives, etc, but alas).

sector 45 wiped from the face of earth, all people are gruesomely murdered (it's anderson we're talking about, their deaths were probably very brutal and painful).

juliette: i'm too busy throwing a birthday party for my boyfriend to care about some random dead people. yeah i said that i'm gonna lead them, i said that i'm gonna change their lives for the better, i promised to protect them, i gave them false hope, i was the reason why they’ve committed treason that punished by death under the laws of their TOTALITARIAN government...

BUT, TO BE HONEST, ALL I REALLY CARE ABOUT IS SUCKING MY BOYFRIEND OFF, SO THEY KINDA HAD IT COMING... SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED A 17 YEAR OLD. WHAT DID THEY EVEN EXPECT? THAT I'M GONNA BE A GOOD LEADER? THAT I'M GONNA TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY WORDS AND ACTIONS? THAT I'M ACTUALLY GONNA WORK TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER??? LOOOOOL! I FIGHT FOR A SECOND CHANCE OF JOY!!! FOR ME!!! not for some random strangers 😊😊😊.

[off-topic, but that birthday party was so cringy.

(not me defending walking dildo on main, but fuck my life that scene was really painful to read. it was so bad that i genuinely felt sorry for him (and it says a lot considering that my usual emotion towards him is contempt).

so on his first “normal” birthday she: throws him a surprise (he hates surprises), they in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by people who either tried to kill juliette or were planning to flee from sector 45 three minutes after warner and juliette got captured. And the cutest part: she and a bunch of random strangers bullied (it’s exact word mafi used: he’s bullied into blowing candles) him into doing something he’s clearly uncomfortable doing. and he did it only because juliette wanted him to. not because he himself wanted to try something new, not because she put some thought and effort into creating a safe space for him (you know something that would supposed to be very important, considering his history and all the terrible things that happened to him in the past). not because she helped him to make a transition from “your birthday is the worst day in a year” to “we’re together, you’re safe, let’s try to do things differently”.

no. she presented him with fait accompli and he left with no choice but to say yes.

OH MY GOD! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT ANDERSON WAS DOING TO HIM HIS ENTIRE LIFE! isn’t it great that Juliette keeps this tradition alive?

long story short, he’s also got lame stupid-ass vanilla-boring cake.

/warner, sweety, i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry…/

(OK, BUT WHY THE FUCK I HAVE MORE EMPATHY TOWARD THE GUY THAT I REALLY DESPISE, THAN THE LOVE OF HIS FUCKING LIFE???

oh wait I know, because it wasn’t about warner, it was about juliette (ME ME ME! LOOK AT ME! I’M SUCH A GOOD PERSON! LOOK AT ME! ME! ME! I DID IT! I! I! I! MEEEEEE! AM I NOT THE BEST PERSON YOU’VE EVER MET???) and fan service, shittone of fan service).

end of off-topic]

last but not least:

emma suffers in agony every minute of her life and begs juliette to kill her so she won’t feel this pain anymore.

juliette: denies her this wish because she wants to get her sister back and then she doesn't think about emma at all, because, guess what???? SHE'S TOO BUSY FUCKING HER BOYFRIEND!!!

it really doesn’t matter that she broke every promise she made, because she’s a main character and therefore she will never be held responsible for her fuck ups. no matter how many people die or suffer because of her incompetence. at the end of the day everyone is kissing her ass and acting like she’s a second coming of jesus christ.

i really don’t know who had it worse in terms of character assassination: her or warner.

instead of creating interesting plot and making characters multi dimensional, mafi writes torture porn just to be edgy (because after weeks of gruesome experiments (at one point evie was burning juliette’s skin off, while she was conscious) there’s no mental consequences at all, five minutes later juliette's absolutely happy and she joyfully fucks walking dildo the second she gets the chance). then mafi writes this FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC AMA GIVE YOU A CAKE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU WARNER bullshit and calls it a day.

[bonesandthebees]

SD ANON BUT I AM 20 NOW! what the fuck ! what the fuck ! i still feel 18! but i am going to the tide pools for my birthday with two friends who are in town! tragic thing about being in college is that your spring break either doesn’t align w high school friends’ or your college friends go to their homes BUT some of my hs friends came back early so i am excited and also like. existentially terrified a bit about my early 20s.

ANYWAYS a ton of things have happened since last time i responded!! i kept meaning to and then another Thing would happen so. car crash poem went over very well my established poet prof was like. i thought you were an english major. and also said she would waive any prereqs for me if i wanted to take her advanced poetry class which !! requires a manuscript acceptance usually!!

soba stir fry was excellent i put in a little too much chili sesame oil but once i got used to the spicy it was fantastic

well see my roommate is 19 and he is now 24. but whatever! she is an adult. the big news is that my other roommates have broken up in a Big Thing that was like. not just a dating thing also a roommate boundary thing. and it is not my roommate’s fault at all. it’s such a long story but basically the other one literally won’t acknowledge she did smth wrong/apologize to my roommate/apologize to me/have a conversation instead of running away every weekend

so. she is finding a way to get out of her lease. good riddance imo she was Something.

also yes!! dishes + stream or dishes + chuckle sandwich is my go to. now that my college doesn’t do gym reservations anymore gym is also where i catch up on vods and videos! have to hide phone screen when people walk past but i am unlearning that

arc 2 arc 2 arc 2 i love your writing and i’m always excited to see where it goes!

lyft. painful. uber is cheaper sometimes but like, i went to two concerts in feb and for one i had to ask someone to drive bc the lyft was a whole 70$ for 20 minutes

also yes! the dead kelp smell i miss it i can’t wait to be near the ocean again like it’s still cold n stuff outside but!! ocean!! i wish i could get an ocean scented candle but like a Real One

agnes hit me so hard every time and it’s so so so good man i just love glass animals ! i have heard heat waves everywhere at this point and it hasn’t gotten old but sometimes you are standing in a sally’s beauty supply thinking about how you know far too many things about why this song is playing.

i missed these conversations! work somehow just has a habit of sneaking up and drowning you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SD ANON!!! hope you have fun at the tide pools, they're so cool! and yeah spring break never aligns istg, I don't have spring break till next week (and I have finals rn I'm suffering)

YOOO that's so cool your prof will let you into the advanced poetry class! so awesome that she liked your poem!

oh god every time i use chili oil i end up putting too much and then i suffer but god soba stir fry with chili oil sounds so good rn im so hungry

that's a lot of roommate drama goddamn. at least the one roommate is looking to move out so you guys aren't all stuck in a very awkward situation! roommate fights are terrible especially when the other person refuses to try and work it out

lmao i still hide my phone when i'm watching streams at my favorite coffee shop. like no thanks don't need anyone to know i'm using my free time to watch a 17 year old british kid play minecraft

SEVENTY??? JESUS CHRIST tbf I guess gas is like. insane rn. but holy shit that's so much

god same i love heat waves as a song because it's a bop but it always makes me think of That and i'm like why...

and ty i'm excited for arc 2 too!! we're finally a bit into it and i'm just like yesss the entire reason i wrote this fic aaaa

i've missed our conversations too but i totally get the busy thing, I gotta go study for finals now OOPS

[eurydicees]

Never apologize for your long thoughts and tangents!!! Those take time and I appreciate the detail you go into. I'm sorry for not being clearer in my ask, I think my sleep deprivation got to me lol; I was actually asking about your thoughts on their friend groups/skills in university bc even though they have so much more...time and space to make friends, I always wondered how many they would really make in college and esp people like Hikaru and Kyoya

all good, all good! i’m glad you enjoy because i have SO much fun writing them out, even if you and i are the only people who actually click “read more.” anyways. thoughts. i have so many. oh god. i know you said not to apologize but. this is so much. and i only covered the friend thing, i didn’t even talk about skills. i will def think on that though because i have opinions on everything. well here we go i guess: 

i think one of the things i experienced in college was just a huge influx of opportunity. like. i was living with people that i saw all the time and thus became friends with them, and then friends with their friends, and then people in my classes, and people in the extracurricular projects i did-- like. there were just so many new people, and i go to a relatively small school. 

all of that being said, my experiences are (a) only my own, and i don’t think that everyone does this, and (b) very, very, very american. like. the quintessential “die over college apps and then thrive in college” american experience. i’m sure that a lot of my experiences wouldn’t apply in japan (just based on what i know from other media i’ve consumed / people i’ve talked to), but some of them are pretty universal, i think. 

okay all of that out of the way. i think that haruhi is going to have a very similar experience to me in that she doesn’t have a huge world outside of the hosts while at ouran, but once she gets to university, she’ll really thrive and branch out and find Her People, you know? over the course of the manga, she progressively learns to take initiative in things, as well as keep herself from burning out over that, and i think that’s something she continues to work on throughout university. 

tamaki would also be able to branch out a bit, but at the end of the day, the hosts are his family. the hosts are the people he cares about. he definitely makes other friends, and definitely cares about them, but he loves the hosts. i think he has trouble prioritizing anything other than the other hosts, which makes it hard to make new friends, at first. 

once he figures out that you can like. have multiple friend groups, he’s great. he also, i think, has to really accept that the other hosts are at different universities and are going to be making new friends, too, and he’s not going to be their “king” anymore. they’re all going to have to find different paths, and he has a lot of trouble accepting that for the others, even more so than he has trouble with it for himself. 

kaoru does a similar thing to tamaki, i think, where he has trouble making friends only because he has trouble accepting that everyone else is also doing new things without him. especially hikaru. we see him-- in both the manga and in the anime-- have trouble with the idea that their little family is going to break up, almost to the same extent that tamaki fears it. i think that really holds him back for a while, but once he accepts that, though everyone is moving on, they all still love each other, he’ll be able to make new friends. 

and oh god once he starts making friends, kaoru goes for it. he branches out wildly in university. he’s spent his whole life just sharing everything with hikaru, and once he starts trying to find out who he is apart from hikaru, he tries everything. he dyes his hair. he dresses like an e-boy. he joins a band, and then quits immediately. he wears dresses. he learns to do make up better than anyone else he knows. he takes every class he can. 

he also burns out, i think, probably during his second year of trying everything new and figuring himself out. once he recovers from that lapse, where he kind of gives up on everything, he then settles down into being a person that he’s happy with. jesus christ ok there’s this really good demon-megane post that i have been trying to find for AGES that i simply cannot find, about how kaoru and hikaru are when they get to university and have to work on their codependent relationship. i think about this post every fucking day. it’s so good and it’s so relevant rn. i’m gonna go looking for it again later. 

okay and this is gonna be a hot take, but i don’t think that honey and mori figure out how to make friends at university either, at least not until everyone else has graduated ouran and is off to university. in the manga, it’s honestly like they didn’t even graduate-- they go back to ouran for a lot of lunches, and they see the other hosts all of the time. i don’t think that, if they’re doing that, then they’re going to be able to make many friends at university. 

but once everyone has graduated, i think that they’d be able to branch out better. as soon as they don’t have a significant fear of missing out on host club shenanigans and their old friends’ lives, they can kind of move on and find other people-- which is just. gonna be so good for them. mori, especially, would have a great time in college trying out new things without worrying about honey (mori has eldest daughter syndrome, change my mind). honey has always been popular and charismatic, and once he truly moves on from ouran emotionally, i think he’s going to have a great time making friends. 

and on the other end of the spectrum, i think kyoya would be. suffering. like. he’s friendly with people, but he doesn’t have friends. he’s so focused on studying himself to death that he doesn’t have time for emotionally valuable friendships, and i don’t think he really wants them either. like i said in that last post, i think he’s pretty satisfied with what he’s got, and he’s not going to want to branch out much. also i wrote an entire fic about this lmao. 

similarly, hikaru would have the worst time trying to make friends. i think that he has one of the most impressive character arcs throughout the manga, but he still has a long ways to go in terms of his social skills. and if we’re talking anime-only, hikaru has absolutely no idea how to like. be a good friend. he’s so used to just using people that it’s hard to not do that. and even then, he’s so wrapped up in the hosts that he doesn’t really know how to find other people.

side note, but i think he’d also have a lot of trouble at ouran after tamaki + kyoya graduate, because he really just doesn’t know how to find people outside of the hosts. during university, he probably has a lot of trouble figuring himself out-- what he wants to do with his life, with his career, with people. he doesn’t like. seek out clubs, and just takes random classes, and doesn’t reach out to anyone. i love him so much, but he’s definitely a mess in university. he figures it out, i think, but it does take him a hot sec. he needs a year to learn how to stop burning bridges via anger issues, and how to not rely on kaoru for the social skill aspect of a friendship, and what he actually wants to do with himself. GOD. i’m thinking about that post AGAIN. every time i think about the twins i think about that post it is KILLING me. 

but in conclusion, all of the hosts miss each other so terribly during university, and they have such a rough time trying to figure out new relationships. except for haruhi, who fuckin thrives in university, except for the fact that she’s studying all of the time and doesn’t know how to manage her time. but that’s just the #college life. anyways i am SO curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this bc it’s a very very interesting question! 

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

PROMPT

Che “Taza” Romero x Reader

@stardust1978 asked: I wanted to request a Dialogue Prompt #5 under Angst with Taza when you are taking requests again. Thank you :)

Prompt: “My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away”.

Word Count: 2.6k

Thanks to my lovely beta reader @chibsytelford 💘

Author comments: I hope you all enjoy. Gif isn't mine, credits to the author.

Tag list: @starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​ @sassymox @whyisgmora @aquamento @sadeyesgf @arved 💥 (if you wanna be tagged, send me a message!)

Who said ‘ride or die’ for first time, surely he knew you, because ride is your life. 

“Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?”

“She came from nowhere! I didn't see her!”

It wasn't true. Once your helmet is on, your motorbike and you are one. There's no difference, as if you got melted with it when you turn the engine. You know every single inch of Cali's asphalt. You know every traffic light, every signal, every road, every street, every city, every single driver. You didn't come from nowhere, but he was looking his phone when he crossed the corner's avenue. He didn't see you, that's true. But you came from Sunset Boulevard with Figeroa street. You was driving fast, as always, but respecting the limit.

You were lying on the ground, upside down, when you realized that you couldn't move your right leg. You couldn't even feel pain. As the orders of your brain reached the toes of the left foot, the right foot didn't respond. Nothing. Breathing fast, you were drowning into agonizing coughs. You're a nomad. You know every single bone of your anatomy. You know what's broken, you know what's fragmented and you know what's twisted. You're choking because of the blood filling your lungs, for a splintered rib. And only when you hear the sound of an ambulance sirens, you let yourself go.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

A hard headache is lashing your whole body, growling slightly whilst feeling some long fingers tangling into yours. You know their touch pretty well, you don't even need to open your eyes to confirm it. Those fingertips have traveled through your skin so many times you lost the count long time ago. They hold yours tightly, with a trembling and cracked lips kissing every one, every knuckle and the wrist. You're sleepy, coughing for a while and raising your free hand to your belly when a bitter twinge hits it. You don't need to ask where you are, 'cause you know it at the exact moment you notice your right leg immobilized hanging of the metal structure of the bed. 

Feeling weak and decayed, you turn your face at him, opening your eyes so slowly. The man drags his chair a little bit closer, leaning above the hospital bed to leave some dearly kisses on your forehead while your free sleepy hands toured your stomach till reaching his nape. It's been a long time since you saw him in Santo Padre. And even if you think he betrayed you, Taza still being the most important person in your life. And he will always be.

You met him sixteen years ago in Santa Madre, when you were almost fifteen. You stole a loaf of bread. You didn't have family, nor money, nor a job. You were a child suffering the poverty of the Mexican border. And as a fallen angel from heaven, he found you. He was running away too. 

He saved you and you saved him.

Taza taught you every single thing you know today. About animals, about guns, about motorbikes and mechanic, about how to be silent, about fighting. He welcomed you in his ranch, he gave you a family and he brought you back to life. 

“What ha—happened?” You mutter feeling high because of the morphine.

“A guy missed a traffic light and hit you”. He says licking his lips, choosing the correct words.

“And wh—what happened to me?” His sigh is more painful that have every bone of your body broken.

“A rib pierced your left lung, but you're okay now, cariño”.

“And what abo—about my leg?”

The Mayan doesn't know how to tell you. Isn't that bad, actually. But riding is your life.

“Femur fracture”. He can't lie to you. At least, not a second time since you met.

You turn your neck and face to the opposite side, feeling awake suddenly. You know what it's means. Your eyes filled with tears and your heart racing. The sanitary machines starts to beep louder, claiming the attention of some nurses who come to try to control your pulse. 

“I'm ok—okay! Fuckin' leave me!” You cry squeezing over the bed, while Taza tries to hug you.

“Sh, (Y/N). Calm down, calm down. Everything is gonna be fine. Sleep a little more...” He whispers on your eyes, watching sideway how a doctor inject a whitish liquid into the line connected to your wrist.

You let yourself go again, between Che's strong arms, making you feel as if you were at home again.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

He explained you that you fell with your knee slightly curled and that was why you broke it. Luckily, in Los Angeles didn't wait for transferred you to San Diego, to make the surgery necessary. After one day unconscious, they flew you in helicopter to Santo Padre. And even if Taza told you that you could walk again and drive your motorbike, you couldn't help but feel anxious, terrified and mournful. 

It was one long month in the hospital, receiving visitors every day from Stockton, Charming, Tijuana, Mexico... Even from the charters of Connecticut and Pennsylvania. You didn't used to talk a lot, mostly some words and some sentences. You were submerged on a gloomy environment, crying all the time because of the pain and the rage of being bedridden. Taza slept with you every night, before complaining all day about his back hurting with Bishop and Tranq. But he would do anything for you. Anything.

After the high medical and all the information the doctors gave you for the home life and rehabilitation, you agreed with the idea of coming back to the ranch. Actually, Taza as the stubborn man he is and Bishop as the president of your charter, forced you. They didn't give you any options. So you just ‘agreed’. Your next six month were going to be summed in the first one to rest, the next four going two times per day to the hospital and the last one trying to walk by your own. Feeling pain and agony with every step until you can make it disappear, by following the recommendations.

You used to be laid on the bed with the blinds half down, holding tightly your black leather vest against your chest, feeling that it was your only hope to wake everyday. Of course, there are things in life worse than a femur fracture, but for you it was painful in a psychologically speaking way. The doctors recommended the crew and your friends to talk you about day-life, happy situations or whatever that didn't let you think about it, so you could avoid  a depression and harmful thoughts. So when Mayans came to visit you at the ranch, sitting by a side of your bed or lying next to you, they were always trying make you laugh and talk. But you couldn't. You were like a scared child believing that the sheets were shields that protected you about any hurt.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

Opening your eyes, rolling over the mattress, hearing some whispers outside of your room that won't let you sleep. Your heart race, getting up on your palms, when you can't find your vest on it. You look for it on the floor, behind the blankets, behind the pillows. Nothing. With a lot of effort you move your whole and heavy body to the wheelchair next to the bed, supporting your arms on it with a growl drowned in your throat. Rolling your fingers above the wheels faster than you can think, you go towards the door opening it loud and making it crash to the wall. Following the hallway to the living room, the voices stir anxiously. Tran and Gilly are blocking your gaze to the huge table, where you used to meet al the Mayans for a lunch, a dinner or an impromptu meeting.

“Look at you! You did it by yourself!” Angel is very proud, leaning towards you before your able to kick his crotch with your good leg, making him fall to the floor between whinings and sobs.

“Hey, hey, take it easy, karate kid!” Creeper holds your shoulders, while EZ press his hands on your tights and on your left leg, to avoid the fact that you hit them too.

“Where's my kutte?! What are you doin'?!” You shout with your eyes filled with tears, stirring to loosen from the grips. 

“Cariño, calm down”. Then you hear his voice, appearance behind the big guys in front of you.

“You, fuckin' traitor! You're doin' it again! I fuckin' hate you, bastard!” You want to kill him, yelling full of rage while the tears run through your cheeks soaking the shirts.

“Fuck, (Y/N)! Calm yo' fuckin' self!” Angel growls trying to getting up from the floor.

“Bishop, please! I'll ride again! I'll soon”. Your cry gets louder seeing how the man is cutting a patch of your vest, between Tranq and Gilly, above the table. “It's the only thing I have! Please, don't!”

The president doesn't say a word  knowing how much you're suffering and don't giving a shit about it. Riz leans close to you, slapping him when he tries to clean your tears.

“Don't fuckin' touch me!” You scream at him totally mad, squeezing on the wheelchair and trying to get up of it.

“Jesus Christ, calm down!” He says somewhat scared.

“I earned it! I did it! Please! Don't take it away!” 

You feel like the air is leaving your lungs and your mouth when Bishop holds the kutte on air having a look of it, before starting to walk towards you. And when you're able to grab it, you do it holding it tightly on your chest, raising your gaze confused. He makes a soft move with his chin, pulling a way some inches the vest to see the new patch. The “nómada” one isn't there anymore, having been changed for “Miembro de honor”. Gasping not knowing exactly what to say, you hold it close again.

“It's the only thing I have...” You mutter with trembling lips.

“We know”. Bishop says bending down to leave a kiss on your forehead with a hand placed on your nape. “No one is gonna take it away, querida. But at least, I made you go out of your room”.

“Yea', the kick was worth it”. Angel says with a hoarse voice rubbing his crotch.

You can't help but smiling for first time after long months, when Creeper and EZ  let you go. Riz helps you to wear it, putting it well on. It looks good on you, better than ever and you're starting to feel blissful again.

“We decided to have a day off, here with you. And we bought you free alcohol beer, so you can drink too”. EZ says almost singing, making you chuckle. “And pops' meat for the barbecue”.

Sounds good. Really good. So you nod without doubting pulling away some hair bristles behind your ears.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

You can't remember when was the last time you had so much fun with your true family. Vicki came too with some of your friends and Letti, who turned out to be better than you expected, after Coco told you so much about her. And even if you didn't want the day to end, you were waiting for it, so you could be alone with Taza and tell him that you were sorry about what you said early morning.

After all the goodbyes, and the apache bringing you back to the inside, you turn at him with some effort on the wheelchair. Placing both hands on your lap and pursing your lips, your gaze travels looking his.

“I didn't me—”.

“It doesn't matter”. He interrupts you, passing you away to let his body fall down on the nearest sofa.

Turning again, you guides yourself to him, insisting about it.

“I'm sorry, Che”.

“God, forget it, (Y/N)”. Rolling his eyes, he lies his head against the back of the sofa.

“No, 'cause I know it hurt you. And it's not fair”. You continue, getting up of the chair to jump with the other leg by his side.

He doesn't say anything when you wrap his neck with both arms, hugging him. Taza only clicks his tongue, slicing a hand between your back and the sofa to put you closer, holding you against himself. Resting your face on his chest, closing your eyes, yes, it's feels like you're at home again.

“You know what?” You say almost in a whisper.

“What?”

“My heart tells me to kiss you, but my head tells me to walk away”. It's not a secret, but sounds like. And you're not ashamed of recognizing it.

“You can't walk, idiot”.

You chuckle shaking your head, raising it to him, touching his cheek with your nose.

“Don't leave me again, please”. He sighs rubbing his forehand. “I know I fucked up things with that... chick. But I truly love you and I'm gonna regret all my life for hurting you”.

“Just... give me some time”.

“The one you need, I could wait all my life”. Pressing his lips on yours in a smooth kiss, you travel one of your hand towards a side of his neck. 

The love you feel for him has never disappear, not even when you tried so hard to hate him when you became a nomad just to run away from all the sorrow he provoked you three years ago, a winter cold night when you arrived of a two weeks travel with the Stockton charter. By that time, you were going through some trouble and each one had a different way of facing it, instead of remaining together.

┅┅ ┅ ┅ ┅┅

It's been almost six month since the accident and everything has changed. Taza is driving his bike, with you by his back, towards the clubhouse. You called Bishop before to meet the crew on the front yard. You didn't tell him why, having a little surprise for them. So when you finally come and the guys are waiting you there, EZ is the one who notices that you're not carrying the crutches, drawing a big smile on his face and palming his brother's chest before pointing at you. 

Taking off the helmet and giving it to Taza, proud-hearted of what are you going to do, you practically jump out of the motorbike. You can see every reaction on every face. They're happy and a little shocked when you put your right foot on the floor. You're walking without help. And even if you feel a little pain yet, there's nothing that could stop you now. You're like a child giving her first steps. Limping very slightly, you open both arms.

“What's up, guys?! Cat got your tongues?!” You laugh happily going towards them.

Bishop is the first one who holds you in his arms when you're close enough, laughing too for your feat.

“You did it, querida”. He says, and you're sure the president is about to cry.

“I told you!”

“Are you gonna kick me again, if I try to touch you, mi dulce?” Angel walks somewhat closer with a funny gesture on his face, before hugging him.

“The doc' said I could ride in two weeks, but I'm gonna wait another one, just in case”. You inform them, with Angel's left arm on your shoulders. “So, where's my bike?”

“Resting too”. Taza says then, kissing your cheek. “Waiting for you”.

[forkanna]

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

Sorry for the long hiatus from posting. I really didn't intend for that to happen. My grandfather passed away, and not only was I dealing with that emotionally, but there has been a lot going on as a result in my life. Aside from that, I had a vacation and a birthday in there as well. Thank you in advance for coming back if you're still reading along; I promise I'm going to try to refocus and post more frequently until this fic is completed.

-----------------------------------

"Alright, now you have a big bowl of meat and rice. Enough to choke a camel. Let's hear it."

"Hear what?" Rise asked airily as she picked at the bowl, as if she hadn't a care in the world. Of course this was mostly a bit of revenge; she wanted her to have to sweat for a moment. Just because she still loved Ai didn't mean she wasn't above a little light-hearted torture between friends.

"You're so smart, you know everything. Tell me why you think I was blackmailing you into outing me."

"Why should I? You've been pretty terrible to me. I mean, I know you had 'reasons', but like… I apologised for those. And you could tell me, since I mean… okay, Ebi-chan. Do you want to really get real?"

The teen queen rolled her eyes. "Go ahead. There doesn't seem to be any stopping you."

"Alright. I think this is childish and dumb. Can't we just talk about this and work through it? Wouldn't that be healthier?"

"Oh, I agree. Problem is, you didn't talk to me — you blabbed to all your friends. I don't know why I have to keep reminding you about that. Yeah, you apologised, but this is a lot bigger than 'I accidentally told the whole school you peed your pants.' This isn't just embarrassing, this isn't just a shitty rumour. Are you with me? Are you getting why this is-"

"YES!" she interrupted. When Ai looked extremely offended, she held up both hands, chopsticks in one of them. "Sorry. I just… I know you really think I don't get it. That's coming in loud and clear, but can you like, hear me when I say I do now?"

"Sorry, no. You broke my trust and now you have to fix it, girl."

"Alright." Then she sat up a little straighter and looked at her. "Wait…"

"What?" Ai's lips thinned and she went completely rigid, hand moving up to her cheek. "Do I… there's something on my face. Right?"

"No. You just admitted I can fix it. That means this whole thing… you're putting on a front, right? Just trying to make me really apologise for messing up so bad. So there's hope!"

"Hey, NO! That is not what this means, you can't-"

"Noooo, nope, no take-backs! HAH!" She even hopped up and down in her seat, pointing at Ai as the other girl grimaced. "I got you, I got you, you do still like me! You can't hide it anymore!"

"SHUT UP! Jesus Christ, I can't even be mad and you actually believe me; what is this victim-denial bullshi-" But she couldn't even finish the words, because Rise was sweeping her into a crushing hug. "Get OFF, you leech!"

"I'm so happy!" she whispered.

And the table was quiet for a minute. Both of them sort of suddenly realised words weren't adequate to address the romantic corner they had painted themselves into.

"God. You're ruining everything."

"I know, I know. But I'm too cute for you to stay mad at forever."

"Wrong. That would work on a dumb boy, but not on me."

Rise just relaxed against her for a moment, even though the relaxation component felt like it was getting smaller and smaller. Still too much tension. Then she threw her trump card away completely. "You want me to out you… because it'll prove you right. That I'm a bad friend, and a jerk, and I can't be trusted. Then you can feel better about cutting me outta your life forever; less guilty."

No response. When almost a minute passed, Rise finally drew away to pick at her food because she couldn't stand the waiting. Neither could she look at Ai. Maybe this was too big; maybe they had just hurt each other too much, even though it was just a series of accidents and retaliations over accidents. She was beginning to feel sick, and guilty that she was probably not going to be able to finish her food…

"Do you feel smart now or something?"

Her chopsticks clattered to the table. "Huh?"

"For figuring it out." Ai's voice was so low and quiet; it could have been anger, it could have been sadness. "But I don't get how you can be smart enough to know that, and too stupid to know to keep your mouth shut about my… situation."

Rise almost fired up again, since Ai was worse than a dog with a bone, but somehow managed to throttle it down. "Because I'm new to this. And I think you would see that if you weren't so… mad. I get why you are, a lot better now, but if you're gonna hate me for making a mistake forever… I can't do that. I really will walk out of your life. Is it worth it to you to hold that grudge?"

"Maybe. I do love holding grudges against people who hurt me. It's so much fun normally."

"But I didn't. I just made a mistake, and the mistake hurt you. I tried to cover it, and I made another one, and… and I'm just gonna keep making them because I'm human, Ebi-chan. So are you. I just can't keep letting you make me feel like a criminal."

"And I can't be in a relationship with someone who's so careless with my secret. That's a big part of who I am, and it's something that could get me killed if the wrong person decides I'm an easy target for their hatred, to purge their fragile little emasculated feelings." Ai sighed. "Fuck."

"What?"

"I'm going to have to forgive you. Because even as I'm saying this, I hear it — that I'm beating a dead horse." When Rise started to look hopeful, she scowled and pointed at her face. "Listen good, bitch. This isn't a free pass; you hurt me, and I can't trust you anymore. But… like you said, I'm giving you the chance to start repairing the trust. You better not squander it."

That very solid warning did keep Rise from gasping in delight and throwing her arms around her again. The gravity of the situation tempered her joy very effectively. But she still reached down and took up Ai's hands, holding them tightly as she leaned closer.

"I'll be your best friend. Okay? We… can act like we're together in front of an audience, and then just… try to chill, a-and go back to buddies when we're alone. I'm taking 'dating' off the table so you don't, um… so you don't feel like…"

"So I haven't completely let you off the hook?" Ai guessed. When Rise nodded, she snorted and looked away. "Dumb. And the best option we have, I think, since…" Rise just nudged her to continue. "Since you're right. I do miss you and I hate all the fighting, and I'm over it. I just need this probationary period to figure out if I can ever trust you again."

Rise felt like she was soaring through the clouds, even though clearly Ai looked like she was suffering a crippling defeat. It was unfortunate things ended up this way but wallowing in misery about it would change nothing. "Thank you. I'm… I know it's hard, it's hard for me to admit I screwed up as bad as I did. And I'll never know how you felt! But I'm starting to get it, and… and I'm really glad you'll let me have more time to do better. Because I'm gonna prove you didn't mess up by giving that trust to me. Bet on it."

"Good. Now eat your stupid beef so we can get out of here, I'm not hungry at all."

"Neither am I, now. Can… we take it back to your place, and just relax? Or try to?"

"Ugh."

"We're going to have more of an audience the longer we stay."

That much was definitely true. Already, there were a few students eyeing them curiously, trying to be inconspicuous and failing spectacularly. Rise definitely wondered if they had been witness to their entire fight, and what they thought about it. But they were sitting far enough away that they couldn't possibly have heard any details; that served as a small relief.

"Yeah, let's go. I'm not a fucking trained monkey."

"Never said you were," she said delicately as they started to stand from the table, flagging down Aika to box up the rest of the food. But her dimples were showing from the sheer force of her giant smile. All hope was not lost and that was enough for now.

                                    ~ o ~

The walk back was pleasant, and the frost had finally been shaken off their relationship now that they had done most of the hard work. They could catch up on some of the small things they had missed in each other's lives while they weren't talking. Furthermore, since being under the microscope of the entire Yasogami student body made it impossible to put distance between them, a little additional warmth came along for the ride — and Rise couldn't be any happier for it if she tried. This was exactly what she had been hoping for, even if it came in such a roundabout way.

"So you really impressed me with that little trick."

Ai looked over from where she was changing out her city pop CDs. Chisato Moritaka had been really upbeat and fun, but Rise had requested something a little more mellow. "Which trick is that?"

"The tucking thing. That's what you called it, right?" She laughed as she leaned back against Ai's western-style bed, having elected to sit on the floor instead of being presumptuous about sitting on the bed itself. "Not that I saw the tucking part, just the mysterious missing penis, but that's still pretty cool you can do that. Totally faked out those girls, and me — and I guess you could do that with a boy too, if they tried to do something."

"Exactly," she told her with a smug smirk. "Never underestimate the power of a motivated trans girl. You did, and you had to face the consequences, bitch."

Rolling her eyes a little, Rise moved her stocking feet from side to side, trying in vain to touch her big toes together even though her legs were spaced too far apart for it to be possible. Just an idle exercise. "I did not — I don't even know enough about that stuff to understand how to underestimate somebody who's like you."

"Uh huh." The room was quiet for a moment, other than the gentle sounds of Taeko Ohnuki now floating out of her newly-acquired stereo; apparently, Rise's comment about Ai using her Joystation had gotten to her, innocent as it was. "You want a demonstration?"

"Of your power? What, are you gonna charge up your chi and blast a hole in the moon?"

Ai giggled as she sat on the bed. At least she could laugh around her again. "No, the tucking thing."

"Huh? Oh…" Shrugging, she turned a little bit more in her direction. "Yeah, I guess. I don't know how that's gonna do more than last time though, I mean… wait, are you flashing me again?!"

"No, you dumbass! I mean, yes, but you won't see anything; that's the whole point. But hang on."

No other situation had felt more awkward. Rise found herself gawking as Ai reached under her skirt to fiddle for a moment, and she turned her head out of instinct. What was happening?! But after a second, she heard, "Okay, there it is. Do you wanna like, be flashed, or inspect for yourself?"

"I- I don't think I sh- I'm not gonna do that!" Rise hissed. "Isn't that, um, indecent?"

"Not if I'm saying 'hey, inspect me'."

"Well… I… can't argue with that." So she cleared her throat and stood on her knees, walking over to her that way so the target remained at eye level. "I'm gonna inspect really good. You're sure that's cool?'

"Yep. Do whatever you want. I mean, not too crazy; I'm sure you'll figure out where the line is, you're pretty smart."

That compliment helped soothe her nerves slightly. It was wonderful to hear Ai say something nice about her again. So Rise reached up and lifted the skirt, seeing Ai's pale pink panties in place as was normal. "Wow… I mean, yeah, there's supposed to be a dick here and there isn't right now. Are you sure you weren't just pulling a big prank on everybody?"

"Is that your way of asking me to show you?" When Rise only started to flush a deeper red, Ai smirked. "Didn't think so. You're so soft."

"Uh! I am NOT, I'm just not the slut you think I am!"

"Hey, I never said you were. Well… not since I got to know you." They exchanged a smile. "But yeah, there it is; you can see how I got away with it."

"Okay, hang on then; I'm not done." She started to peel her panties down, casting an occasional glance up at Ai's face; making sure this wasn't too far. Though she did look a little less smug and bemused, more serious, she wasn't trying to stop her and there was no fear in her features. So…

The same soft skin, the same little mole near her hip… same perfectly-trimmed landing strip. Rise treated her own pubic region similarly; she knew nobody would be visiting down there, but it just felt nicer to take care of the landscaping now that it was necessary for her to do so. She smiled and passed a finger over the hairs, and saw their owner shivered in response.

No prominent male organ was visible. Not that she could see. Upon closer inspection, there did seem to be some slight folding in the skin just where it disappeared between her thighs, but it wasn't too out of the ordinary.

"Okay, I guess now I'm done. Like…" Rise cleared her throat, her pulse was racing in her throat. Mostly because at this proximity, she could catch a very slight hint of some kind of musk and it was beginning to get to her; the scent was so vague she could almost convince herself she was imagining it, but she also knew that was a lot less likely than that she was being hit by Ai's pheromones. "Like, um…"

"Like what?" Ai asked warily, even though she was clearly trying to keep calm. She wanted to trust Rise, and was — provisionally. However, clearly they were both being affected by their positioning.

"Like, I could… put my finger in there… and probably find more, or… b-but this is all you would have to do for those girls, or for some dumb creep who's attacking you — like how you flashed me at school. So I don't need to do that."

"I wouldn't stop you."

Interesting. Rise felt like she couldn't breathe suddenly, but she tried to tell herself that this was just Ai joking around, or trying to provoke a reaction. Goading her, teasing her, like she always was. What if she just… did it? What if she poked her finger between her thighs there and found out for sure?

Or she could try something else. Something she wanted to do a lot more. She leaned forward…

"Oh," Ai breathed when she felt the lips pushing into her skin through the strip of well-trimmed hairs. So very close but not exploring further. "Rise…?"

"Sorry," she breathed as she sat back on her legs, hoping her face wasn't glowing like the sun as she smiled up at her. "I just… I wanted to do something nice for what you have down here. Whatever it is. A-and it was probably super weird, and I'm sorry, but like, I've been accidentally a bitch. You know I didn't mean to now — at least, I think you do. I hope. But I can still try to make you feel a little better."

Another little sigh fell from Ai as she looked down at Rise. "Dumb bitch." But she raised a hand to caress over her hair, tender and affectionate. Maybe they really had mostly fixed their friendship, even if everything else was awkward.

Then she noticed Ai was squirming. "Oh, um… sorry, I guess you want me to get my face out of your business."

"Well… more like, your face being in my business is making me feel things. But you're fine, it's just, uh, a side effect. I'll live."

"Feel what kind of things?" But Ai didn't answer; just squirmed. So she decided to see if the direct contact had been the culprit by kissing her again. That shiver confirmed her hypothesis. God, she had missed being able to kiss Ai; even though this wasn't on the lips, and it technically hadn't even been that long since the last time… she had missed it so damn much. Scary. "Good things, right?"

"Yeah… m-maybe." When she kissed again, the taller girl blustered, "Come on, you can't want to do that, it probably smells weird and tastes weird. Down there. N-not that I'd have any way of knowing."

"What? I just wanna be close to you, and… and you like this. Maybe?"

"I do not! Or, well, I… it's more like… you don't have to, we're all good now. I promise."

Rise stuck out her tongue briefly and said, "Never said I had to." Then she glanced down again. "Although… I know you explained it, but I'm still not really sure what you're doing. Like, where does it go?"

"Huh?"

"Your thing. Like, is it in your butt now?"

"Oh my GOD," she burst out, covering her face with her palm. "What kind of RPG do you think this is?! No, my dick doesn't magically get sucked into my ass!"

"Well, I mean, I can't see it! So if you swear you have one, then it had to go somewhere!"

"You keep saying you don't want me to show you, but then act like I have to show you," Ai snorted with a shake of her head.

"No! Well, yeah, you're right, I am doing that… I'm sorry, I'm just really curious! I'll shut up."

Which she did. However, Ai was clearly having nearly as bad a crisis of faith; or at least, it was different but equally excruciating. Her eyes were a little sad when she whispered, "Do you promise?"

"To shut up? Definitely."

"No, no, I meant… if I show you, will you still see me… as a woman?"

"Ai-"

"No, you have to. If you screw me in this department again, I swear it's really over; I can't start being misgendered everywhere I go, friends treating me like a freak, having to change schools. You know the score now, and you are at the very top of that list of what's important to me. So… if you can promise you won't start calling me a boy again, o-or-"

Rise felt her heart sinking. Even before now, even after all they had been through and all she had learned, she was hit with the sudden realisation that she had not quite understood how deeply important her female identity was to Ai. But that stark fear of losing it, readily apparent in her features? That completed the puzzle and laid it all bare.

"Ebi-chan… you're an amazing girl," she told her again, her smile as warm as it was defiant. She was more defying her own expectations, and the world around them, but she felt stronger, more sure of herself. "And you're going to be an amazing woman. And I just hope I'm there to see it happen, and I haven't messed up so bad I'm cut out of your life. But either way? You don't need me to tell you how badass you are."

That clearly meant the world to Ai. The anxiety didn't vanish, but it faded by a significant amount as she smiled down at her friend. "You always know what to say. Annoying. But… thank you again." Then she cleared her throat. "I can handle it for a second. But all you get is a second, and then I'm covering it, a-and that's it. Do you get me? Promise you get me, right now!"

"I promise!" she yelped, not even sure what she was promising. Mostly, she was just terrified of disappointing her and turning out to be a shitty friend yet again, so she couldn't waste time.

And then it was happening. Fast. Ai suddenly took a wide step to the side, and something was swinging up at her — and she slammed her eyes shut, flashing out with her hand defensively. "OHMYGOD!"

"OW! RISE!"

"What?! I- you have a DICK!"

"Yeah, I know I have one! YOU didn't know that, and I'm trying to show you so you're not- you didn't have to SMACK IT!"

"BUT I NEVER HAD A DICK SWING AT ME LIKE IT'S GONNA PUNCH ME IN THE FOREHEAD!"

The growl was so exasperated that Rise almost looked up at her just to see if she was mad. Almost. "Well, just… it's not swinging now! So look for a second, then touch it — nicely, and then I can put this stupid thing away! GOD!"

"Okay, FINE! Wow, you're so mean!"

The thing was, now that it wasn't moving at speed, Rise found she wasn't nearly as weirded out when she slit one eye open. Ai Ebihara… did indeed own what she assumed was a pretty average example of a penis. She didn't know if it was supposed to stick straight out like that, or if its size and shape was normal; this whole experience was just very strange, because she had never been in this position before. Well, that wasn't technically true, but the last time had only been an even more brief glimpse before security hauled the deranged fan away. And she wasn't on her knees that time, looking it in the eye.

Right; now she had to touch it — also unlike last time. Ai would have let her refuse if she said she wasn't comfortable, she knew that, but she also knew the whole point was to prove once and for all that this was reality, not some pack of lies. Besides, her own curiosity wouldn't let her back down. So she reached forward and pressed her fingertip into the top of the pale shaft.

Two things became immediately apparent. First, that it was warmer and softer than she had been expecting, even though she wasn't sure why she expected otherwise in the first place. Second…

"Hmmhhh."

…Ai liked having it touched. At least, that was what that little moan told her. Her finger began to slide up and down over the smooth skin-

"O-okay, that's enough!" Ai took a long step backward, hastily rearranging her skirt and underwear to cover herself. "Right. Well, I mean, I don't know if that was thrilling for you or what, but um… at least you know it's real now. So… so good."

Rise frowned as she struggled to her feet. "Hey, I believed you before. I mean, I have since the karaoke, anyway; like, I know I was kinda dumb about it there… but I knew you wouldn't be this serious about it just to mess with me."

"Oh. Well, alright, then."

"Wow, I can't believe you really are a b-uh…" Right; that was a big thing she had just promised. "You really were born a boy. Right? Is- if I say that, is it still bad? I'm trying to figure out how to say you have a dick without it sounding, um, vulgar."

Ai was flushing and still trying to cover herself. It worked, technically speaking, but the bulge was way too obvious now. "Mmhh, it's fine. You sound a little wacky, but not that bad. I appreciate you trying."

"Yeah, of course! You're my friend, I want to make you feel good if I can!"

"Right." A long pause. "You know I'm not a boy, right?"

"What?"

"Like, for real. Deep down. You aren't just saying things to make me not mad at you, are you?"

Had her there. "What do you mean? Like, of course I am! I've only ever heard of boys having dicks, like… most girls I've heard of like you, they got rid of those. Not that I know them personally. So this is different, and I'm really trying to understand…"

"Well, I probably will get rid of it, Rise," she sighed. Only a little irritated. If she had to guess, Ai was probably frustrated with the reality of her situation, not Rise's words. "When I'm out of high school. Because I really want to be a woman in mind and body, completely, but… right now this is the best I can do."

God, that hit her straight in the gut. The more she learned about who Ai was, how she felt inside, the more atrocious it sounded to have to live life the way she had up until this point. Even if she was mostly an entitled girl, very affluent and in control of her life, she had to go through such a dark time before she made it to being exactly who she wanted to be.

"And your best is… beautiful. Like, you're so pretty, and strong, and… and I really never saw you as a boy. Even after you told me, even after I found out you have one of those. I'm just… used to thinking of… I'm going around in circles."

Ai pulled Rise to the bed and sat her down with her. Wow, it was much harder to avoid glancing down again than she had expected! "I get it. And you screwed up the way I should have expected you to. I suppose I just liked you so much that I really hoped you would just understand me immediately. Stupid, isn't it?"

"Not at all." She smiled. Ai smiled back. Their faces drifted closer…

And Rise's phone went off. She had promised her grandmother she would help her clean up the shop. Maybe this was for the best, because her hand was on Ai's thigh — and she knew she would have felt tempted to move it that little bit higher.

"Well, I g-gotta go," she breathed shakily as she stood up, brushing off her skirt. "Um… I, uh…"

"You keep looking at it," Ai accused. "I'm not a freak; I hope you get that now."

"Oh, that's… not what I was thinking. Gotta go! Bye!"

Ai's brows were so very furrowed as the idol raced out of there before giving herself away. The last thing she wanted to reveal was just how impure some of her thoughts were becoming. And she knew that if she hadn't run away right when she did, it would have meant their relationship deepened a lot more depending on how those next minutes went. What an unmitigated disaster for their friendship that could be if things didn't turn out okay!

Even if the PR would be perfect. The more in love she was with her best friend, the more in love she would look with her best friend. She just hoped Ai was alright with that — if she ever found the nerve to tell her.

                                    To Be Continued…