#i'm really bad with people and i cannot stress enough that i haven't left the house entirely in 6 months

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not having time to read my mutual's writing?

Met a mutual on here, bonded through fanfic, have been tight with them for a few years with pretty much no bumps in the relationship, just overall had a really good time hanging around them when I could. We both write a lot and share our writing, and occasionally we talk about that writing/workshop it in passing.

In the past few years I've gone through a ton of life changes. Most notably I went from a multi-person household to a single-person one, and I've been living alone in a prohibitively costly city for a while now working 40 hour weeks and barely scraping by. As soon as the transition started I spent the last of my free income on a shitty little laptop so I could still write, putting down words on my bus/train commutes in the morning and quite literally writing on my breaks at work because I feel insane when I can't create. I bring this up to really stress that I don't have the time for the hobby, I force myself to make the time and even then it never feels like enough.

The only thing I can really stand to do with my 3 hours of free time at night is hang out with my moots online. I'm an extrovert so being around people recharges me. If I don't have designated social time I get super depressed and can pretty much feel my soul withering away. I also feel like I should probably mention that I kinda have a slew of mental issues, personality disorders and PTSD and AuDHD and the works. Point being, shit is rough my dude, but I am a person who likes to work hard and face challenges head on and even though we strugglin, we doing it with a positive outlook.

But! I am an incredibly solution-oriented person and I have found what I personally believe to be a good balance. No one should have to live like this, but I do, and I have found a way to be happy. My writing and my social time is all load-bearing. It is not something I just choose to do on a whim, it's all planned and scheduled and I adhere to those routines very strictly because, I cannot stress this enough, I will go fucking bonkers if I don't.

I'm mutuals with a lot of writers obv, and I sadly don't have time to read their work anymore, unless I get some extra time on my days off or something gets cancelled or like, I end up taking a vacation. I carry a great amount of guilt for this, though, even though I logically know it's reasonable. I try to support them where I can, cheer them on when I see them writing and tell them how cool their ideas sound, hype them up even when I can't actually read & review.

One of the things I do is sometimes I leave a kudos on fic I haven't read. I'm not trying to be ingenuine, and if they asked me I'd tell them like 'Oh I didn't read it yet, just wanted to show support!' but to me it's kinda like ripping a paper tab off a poster so that other's feel inclined to do the same. Plus my pals get a little email and a hit of serotonin.

Except one of my acquaintances, the one I mentioned at the start here, saw that I left kudos on a couple pieces another mutual of mine wrote this year. They more or less blew up my DMs with a ton of accusatory (like, literally presented like a 'GOTCHA!') stuff about how I was selective in who's fic I read, more or less implying that I secretly held some sort of grudge or negative feeling toward them and was making the conscious decision not to read or interact with their writing because of. Something, I don't actually know what they were trying to say. They also told me they vented to their friends about this MULTIPLE times, but they never once approached me to let me know they were feeling paranoid or neglected, they literally just took the most bad faith reading of it possible and then presented that to me like it was something I intentionally did, while the whole time I was unaware.

I tried to explain to them the kudos thing, that I didn't do it to every story, just ones I caught/noticed in my busy schedule. And I laid all this out and asked, multiple times, what free time am I supposed to read with? They didn't answer, and doubled down, kept trying to show me 'proof' that I was shorting them and no one else. Once they started to realize how wrong they were they backed down, but they didn't really apologize, or admit they were wrong, and they tried to end our relationship and left every single server we were in together. Because of some other unrelated stuff going on in my life, I didn't really consider them to be a close friend, but they were someone I really held dear and would've walked through hell for if they'd asked.

I still feel like there is something I'm missing here, and that's why I wanted to ask if I'm TA. I'm a pretty good communicator but one of the things I told myself when talking down my disordered thoughts (guilt about this prior) was "no one in their right mind would use reading fanfic as a metric for friendship." Now that I've had that exact thing happen, I'm starting to think maybe those thoughts weren't so disordered. Maybe this IS a big deal, and I should think about it more, but I don't even know what the solution to that would be. I just. Don't have time to read something lovingly crafted and appreciate it for what it is. All the hours in my week are used up, I'd have to lose sleep for this and with my mental health the way it is that is not an option.

Feel free to be a brutal, my skin is thick. Thanks!

What are these acronyms?

[touchingmadness]

Camp Nano Progress Update #1

The first week of Camp Nano is complete, and I'm actually really happy with my progress! I expected this month to be a little rough for me, since I'm usually pretty active in the (currently shut down for good reason) Nano forums and tend to use the energy of other writers to bolster me through the event. And yeah, I'm writing a lot less than I would be under those conditions. But I'm still writing, and I'm still enjoying what I'm writing, and that's what really matters to me.

Excerpt:

You spend the rest of the day loitering around a city that would be far more beautiful if it wasn’t smack dab in the middle of tourist season. Instead, the streets and beaches are teeming with well-off people getting away from their well-off lives and generally spoiling the atmosphere with their existence. You can’t help but feel bad for the people who live here, even if you’re sure they make a pretty penny off of these people. And so will you, it seems, when Soren nudges you with a smirk and proceeds to nick the coin purse right off of a wealthy man’s belt. It takes everything in you not to gape at him, but you do cast around your gaze discreetly. The menace is subtle and slick, good with his fingers and anything that requires him to be quiet and look innocent, but this is something entirely different than what you’re used to from him. Sure, he’ll pilfer anything left unattended for too long, but pickpocketing is a whole other game. You have no objections – these people could do with lighter pockets – but it’s not going to be good for either of you if he gets himself caught. “Watch yourself,” you sign as he shoves the pouch into his bag. He sticks his tongue out like a child, fingers flying. “Watch me yourself.”

Statistics and reflection under the cut.

Just the Numbers

I've added 6,302 words to Let the Light In in the past week, bringing the total count for the project up to 23,611 words. Most of these new words have been in Chapter 3, although a few were used to round out Chapter 2 at a healthy 7,942 words. I've written on 5 out of 8 days, with my highest wordcount day occurring on April 8th, with 2,132 words written.

Notable Scenes

Group cuddles. I cannot stress this enough. Group cuddles!!!

A thieving contest started by the savior of the universe. Hell yeah.

Lounging in the ropes on a boat. Showing off like a cat.

First kiss (angst edition). Not quite to first kiss (soft edition) yet.

Making Big Decisions

I've already stated that I'm quite happy with what I've written, and while that's true, I have had some decisions to make. There was one scene I got myself especially tripped up over. I wanted to use it to develop the dynamic between my POV character and a member of the party, but I recognized that the pretense under which I had them sit down for a conversation didn't ring true for either of them. I wrote a good chunk of it, and it's still in my draft, but I know for a fact that it's going to be scrapped. I'll replace it with something more naturalistic later.

Based on where I'm at in Chapter 3 and how much I have left to cover, this one's going to be a lengthy one. That being said, I'm standing by my decision to segment the first three chapters (which span over the first act of Dragon Quest XI) the way that I do. Narrative cohesiveness is more important to me than content balance, especially when I know that Chapter 4 is going to be an absolute baby chapter, since it only encapsulates a short story that happens in the game's interlude.

A decision I still need to make is where I'm going to start the narrative for Act II in Chapter 5. This is more about the logistics of the source material and the fact that the player character is not my POV character for this fic. Basically, at the beginning of Act II in DQXI, you have to regather your party members. If you follow the story, you regain my POV character fourth, but you can get him third if you decide to wander. I haven't decided how I'm handling this in the fic yet, because there are benefits and drawbacks to both, but I think I'm going to write it as though he's acquired third and remove/edit scenes later if I decide to go in the other direction. Final decision will likely come down to how good those scenes end up being and how well they integrate with the rest of the chapter.

Moving Forward

The rest of Chapter 3 is going to be mostly relationship development for the main pairing and the party as a whole, which I am so excited for! I have a lot of funny, goofy little ideas planned to really cement all these Fools™️ together, though the thieving contest scene and its aftermath will likely remain my favorite. It's nice to have this downtime with them before the plot and angst pick back up again. I don't anticipate finishing Chapter 3 this week, as there's some lengthier scenes I have planned, but I'm perfectly content to linger in these moments, especially since that's why I'm writing this.

I hope everyone else's writing journeys are going just as great! My inbox is open if you want to infodump or chat! 💖

[2af-afterdark]

Oof, it's been a hot minute since I've sent you an ask... Sorry 'bout that and also for not sending you any New Year's wishes, irl stuff kept me pretty busy lately. I hope you had fun celebrating! <3

...Admittedly, part of the reason for my absence was that I've also been feeling unpleasantly drained by the Nightmare Pass missions, on top of everything else. I feel a little bad about pretty much coming here and complaining, but I'd like to hear your opinion since you have the Pass activated and I'm f2p, so I wonder how our experiences differ.

I feel like the rewards are.. lackluster, in all honesty. The yellow keys are nice, the frame is pretty... And that's about it. Aside from a small bonus of getting some gems after completing the daily missions, there's really not much to look forward to. It feels like there's far too much effort required and not enough rewards.

Not to mention the missions themselves. God, the missions. I hate the way they work with a passion. The fact that you need to log in daily is fine, the fact that you need to grind a bit is also fine... But then there's shit like "claim a likeability reward" which I'd love to do, except I only have one left over from Andrealphus and still half a Pass to get through. I remember you writing that it feels like being punished for unlocking content, and I completely agree. That's exactly how it feels. I am not going to waste all of my red keys in an attempt to get a new L-grade card since I have all S-grade devils maxed out already.

And speaking of wasting red keys! The "special draw" missions also leave a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. I remember making those single-pulls while sighing deeply because, well, it just doesn't feel like all of the resources I'm consuming are going to be compensated. I spend Solomon's tears, both types of keys, a lot of energy (in-game and irl) and most of the time I get... A few boxes of randomised jellies? That I can get extremely easily through other means? At least make them select-type like the ones in event shops, damn it!

Basically, I'm salty and kind of sad. I love the game dearly, but I think I'm going to give up on the Nightmare Pass. Once I hit a likeability reward mission that I cannot complete, I'm out. The frame is pretty, but getting one from an event shop is going to be way easier and less stress-inducing. I don't want to burn myself out (any more than I already did) by trying to complete it.

So sorry for such a long rant, I ended up getting a bit carried away... I'm really interested in how the effort/reward ratio feels like with a purchased Pass. I'm not really active in the fandom (I pretty much only follow you and the official acc, lol) so I haven't seen people speak about it yet. Hopefully, at least some people have a better time with that hell of an event.

— 💛

So, I used my premium pass from the pre-order rewards on the Nightmare Pass so I could study the way it works from a p2p perspective. I must say, the reward you get in p2p are much better. I received many yellow and red keys, Solomon's Tears, Puddings, Books, Coins, etc. I had unlimited auto-fights in the nightmare dungeon so I can grind coins for the shop easily. Over all, the amount of rewards you get may justify the $60 price tag IF you can afford it and you want the card at the end. Also, this assumes they do this within limited quantities. Like, I would say once every few months at most. Maybe very 2-3 months at most. Still sucks you can only get the card if you're willing to pay out the nose for the rewards. I did look at the f2p rewards and... yeah, not worth it. That is a lot of grinding for very little payoff. I was getting 2-4 reward every day because I was getting the rewards for every tier so it felt more worthwhile.

Also, yeah. I have been playing the game less since the Nightmare Pass started because I was afraid of locking myself out of future requirements for the missions. I had trouble with likability (something I usually max out within 2-3 days of getting a new unit), I was afraid to level up characters and their skills, I wasn't promoting anyone, I wasn't doing anything because I was so afraid I would screw myself by playing the game.

That's why I think Nightmare Pass kind of sucks the most. I felt like I was being punished for having played the game up until this point. Some missions were, as you said, fine. Any missions involving pleasing someone in the Secret Club were fine (not the unholy board because some of those I had maxed out already and it was pain to advance them more). Any missions where I had to fight were good. That I can always do. But missions that have finite end points are terrible (there is a max number of levels characters can have, a max amount of promotions I can do, only so far I can go on an unholy board, likability stops at 100%, characters can only evolve 5 times before they are maxed). Those missions suck because I can screw myself by actually having invested the time into the game before the Nightmare Pass is even out. It actually sucked to basically stop playing this game because I was afraid to play and screw myself out of getting Gabriel.

And the missions are kind of sucky too. Because each stage only unlocks after the previous one is completed, it's hard to know what is coming up and easy to screw yourself. Not everyone has 20ST available multiple times. Not everyone hoards their keys to do the multiple draws over and over again. And having 25 stages that can only be unlocked once daily rather than continuously (since the one mission on each day is to login) it means that if you miss a few days, you are screwed. You can pay to unlock the path with Nightmare Coins, but that assumes you have enough (and each reward gets more expensive as you go).

Overall, Nightmare Pass feels like the kind of event that is aimed toward people who dedicate time to the game to complete the rewards, but those same people can easily get screwed if they put in all that effort too early. The nightmare Pass isn't terrible, but it definitely needs some tweaking. It's the kind of event I would only continue in the future if I really want the card/haven't invested so much I screw myself. Honestly, it feels like the kind of event you finish and only debate purchasing the other rewards after you see how far you've managed to get to see if you can justify the expense.

Also, never feel like you can't rant to me. I rant all the time. Goodness knows I rant all the time... I don't do it because I hate the game. It's me trying to point out issues for others and because I want to see things changed for the better.

[jaythelay]

Notes: Dems, you're doing it. You're Trying. Keep Trying. This is good.

I'm seeing people rework old comics to advertise everything I said should be, Not because of me, but because They Tried.

That was it. You can try too! Try! Because it's better to start a fire than sit on your hands for warmth. You don't need to be a genius playing 4D chess, sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious til it's done. Do it. Now.

I'm seeing people in droves shitting all over the handcrafted for Biden talking points, sometimes by redirecting them back at Dump, like him being the oldest running candidate now.

The bad points for Khamala likely won't stick as hard in 4 months as Biden's 40 years has for him. If she fucked up, you shouldn't defend it, you should demand better so that Dem politicians do too, you won't retain voters with stubborn apathy towards dem cruelty.

This way onlookers don't see "dead end/genociden biden" again. That crumpled the party, and the remaining Blue Fanboy's pro-genocide messaging pushed many away from dems entirely. It pushed me into discussing politics far more publically ffs. Damn certain I'm blocked by most at this point for not riden with biden's genocide. Feel free to steal anything I write about politics and spread it in your own or better words.

Main thing to focus on is Hype.

Dump lost the popular vote by 7mil last time. He's bleeding votes but not support. We need to make messaging that demotivates R's into believing even voting won't make up the difference while motivating people to vote dem for progress. Anti-Dump is losing steam, ya need hope and progress.

"Keep things the way Dump left them" or "Dump makes it worse" was Biden/BlueFanboy Messaging. Where we were and still are heading if the hype is killed again. Khamala represents potential change from that, you cannot let Blue Fanboys take over again, you cannot get stuck defending genocide while fear mongering another's possible.

"sorry but the other side is Blank and no matter what I'm votin-"

This isn't for you. You're chronically online expecting that to spread to normal people. It does, but it gets telephoned into garbage before it even has the chance of being in your intended format.

"I'd vote for a corpse-" I'm sure dems are that out of options, I really am, but that messaging is murder for hype. You aren't voting blue for XYZ belief, you're doing it to punish republicans who will never change and allowing Dems to worsen because they haven't reached R levels yet. You're doing it out of a belief the other side is worse, that's unfortunately debatable to the average joe. You need them to go "Oh shit they're legalizing weed?" or "Oh shit they're fighting medical costs?" not "They both approve of genocide but a Dem genocide has rainbows!"

It's genuinely the most hype-killer phrase for a political party yet. "I'd vote for Blank over" Ya aren't even positive about the party you're voting for. You're negative towards both but distinctly one more than another. There's nothing to bring in votes there my dude. Just means politics is the show it really is anymore to them.

If you can't be positive about your party, then, for onlookers, be positive in changing that with Dems in charge but not R's. That there's convicing that can be done for Dems and Never, Ever R's.

I cannot stress enough, if all ya'll do is "Not Biden" Khamala, you've doomed us to a 2028 R presidency. She needs to be Khamala, much like Bernie is Bernie and AOC is AOC. "Not Dump" was all Biden had ya'll. Please. Don't "Not Dump" Khamala, don't let that be all she is while in office.

I don't mean "to you" I mean for her. She cannot sit on her hands doing the obviously wrong thing when the time matters. She cannot "save christmas" by allowing trains to crash and spill chemicals, potentially if not actually killing people like you and me.

She has to retract the 40 headless babies bullshit, correct it firmly, and acknowledge the genocide. They faked Aid Trucks into humanitarian tent reserves and shot a little toddler girl over 130 fucking times. If she's pro-genocide, she loses the anti-genocide crowd permanently and I will actively be holding her accountable for it as normal people fucking should. Hold. Them. Accountable. Or Lose.

Being Pro-Genocide is not being Team Blue or BNMW, it's being Pro-Genocide.

Otherwise, ya'll got it going. The problem is that the second criticism comes in ya'll turtle and punch like bitches. Time to acknowledge and work against bullshit and focus entirely on progress. We cannot sit on our hands expecting dem politicians to do their job like we did with Obama and later Biden.

None of us should have to debate against Dump solely by discussing Dump. We should have a good candidate that's obviously a Good Choice, not "the better poison".

Biden's "accomplishments" did not affect my day to day positively. I still can't afford medicine and food. I still will never own a home. Prices keep skyrocketing. Yes that gets worse under Dump- What do you not understand here??? You cannot motivate people with "Not Dump" you motivate them with Felt Actions. Biden had None other than being anti-union, a Felt Action of negativity. He undid some of Dump's shit and recorrected the ship away from the iceberg, and did some politics, the barest of all minimums. Can medicine other than insulin not cost thousands eventually?

Khamala represents that to me, and only in 2 months time will I have the chance to really say if Dems dropped the ball or not. She has to be Khamala. She has to be anti-genocide. She has to be a Good Choice.

"Not Dump" didn't work in 2016, didn't work in 2020 that well honestly, and it failed miserably in 2024 already before the elections.

What ya'll are seeing and doing? Keep it going.

Forever.

Never. Fucking. Stop.

Maybe the Dem party can be saved from it's apathetic, company controlled self at that rate. Y'know, even though those same controllers bullied Biden out through wealth power. Y'know maybe I shouldn't be hopeful for anything actually. I doubt most dems really care to fix the bigger problems, just abortion.

There's still only 10 dems in office with any courage or ethics. Yeah we didn't change shit switching to Khamala. We just killed R messaging and our own near decade of advertising. But at least Biden kept his Interim promise, just, uh, 4 months from the fucking election when we have no other alternative but His Choice. Blegh. It's a two-way street.

Dems will do messaging until Dem politicians essentially tell them it was a massive waste of time by doing The Obviously Wrong Thing. Then Dems stop and all that's left is the chronically online Blue Fanboy having a debate you're glad you've never heard of before. Such as "Which genocide is better, blue or red"

Imagine thinking being anti-genocide is a bad thing when there's not one good bit of PR for Israel since Oct 7th. We pay their free healthcare folks. They faked aid trucks into a refugee camp and shot a little toddler girl 130+ times. Dems can afford to be anti-genocide, I believe. And so can their politicians, for certain.

Otherwise, still third party til I see some action by her. So far she's just been a magnet of bad PR for dems all around that had to be hidden from the public for years. That's genuinely so bad I dunno what to tell ya. I wouldn't be confident in her, but if I was a Dem I wouldn't have much choice in having to publically back her.

Up to her how this goes. Will she guarantee an R for 2028 or will she keep them at bay til 2032. Not hard to say logically, but it is emotionally. No confidence. But at least Dems are trying again, just...hold them the fuck accountable? Jesus christ you treat criticism as worse for prospects than the actions they take, like an abuse victim.

[heartxdecay]

WHY do bad things always have to happen to me so close together like I did not NEED the combo of an acquaintance I was attempting to befriend blowing up at me and threatening to kill themselves over them deciding I said something I didn't (fuck being autistic why does everyone assume I'm inferring things when I'm actually NOT) and then my stalker who I haven't seen in about a year suddenly decides to show up at my place of work and ask MY BOYFRIEND if I was there (he lied and said I wasn't but I still caught a glimpse of him so he might have seen me) which lead to me finding out he never actually moved like he said he was going to which means realistically he could go right back to stalking and harassing me any time he wants. In the span of like 3 days. And of course right now we're like 3 weeks away from the big traumaversary time from when I left the cult + this is the midst of when I was reporting aforementioned stalker last year so I'm already constantly on high alert anyway. So now I'm constantly struggling just to stay awake let alone work and I already had to drop out of school and lie to my parents about it because the condition of me living here is remaining in school which means since I'm not they're going to kick me out if they know. So I can't NOT go to school AND not work especially because I'm trying to save as much money as possible in order to move out of this stupid hellhole of a "family" home where I'm constantly used as a third parent for my younger siblings. But I'm so tired all the time from stress keeping me awake at all hours and being completely unable to leave fight or flight mode when awake that I can barely find the energy to move, and my work is extremely tiring. I work retail as a supervisor and I have to deal with my coworkers not doing as much of the workload despite all being full time while I'm part time, none of the people I'm in charge of taking me seriously because I'm either younger than them or the same age as them, regular stress that comes with working retail and dealing with customers, and a management change that is leading to us getting a notoriously rude + perfectionist manager who I have personally seen throw an actual tantrum over having to do his JOB. Which means I can't afford to be tired and grumpy because I have to remain professional and productive. But every time something slightly off happens I want to burst into tears. Nobody there respects me and it's hard enough to handle when I'm NOT dealing with all of this. And of course because God hates me all of this happened when I decided to try to cut back on constantly vaping so after incident #2 I immediately gave up on that and I honestly think I've been going through cartridges FASTER. It's genuinely such a struggle every day to not relapse on self harm or turn to alcoholism and I'm not sure how much longer I can last. Especially because my literal only IRL support system is my boyfriend, because my parents are worth jack shit, my siblings are children, and my only "friend" in person is an objectively terrible human that I only still have around because they were my FP for a really long time and I have a hard time letting go of that relationship (every time I try I end up running back) and I just KNOW that if I even TRY to breach any of this with them they're either going to hit me with an "oof/yikes" and nothing else or spread my PERSONAL shit to everyone they know INCLUDING my extremely abusive ex that they refuse to totally cut contact with because it's "mean". which means I actually have nobody to turn to except the internet friends in my phone who for one aren't online all the time and have lives but two since they're my ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM I cannot keep dumping everything on them constantly or I'll overwhelm them. Not to mention they have also had to deal with the acquaintance I mentioned at the start because they're actually THEIR friend, not mine, so if anything it's an even bigger deal to them. This leaves me with only my boyfriend who I already feel shitty enough about given the raging BPD.

[ouroboroboros]

its 8 hours into a 14 hour road trip, and a drizzle has been near constant since hour 3. it was nice at first- a gentle rhythm, no sun in my eyes, the smell of wet dirt drowning out the heavier chemical scents from factories i passed. but 8 hours in, the sky has had enough of the gentle drops. she flashes warnings in the clouds, grumbles thunder to tell me to quit while i'm ahead, but- i can't imagine stopping.

the rain comes like a wall and it does not relent. i think "maybe i'll drive through it". going 80mph down the highway, you think you're passing the world by. but the sky is a lot bigger than my little car, and i slow to a crawl as the road becomes not just slick, but dangerously flooded, as my wheels begin to meet resistance going through deep puddles. my wipers- i usually hate the sound they make, i can't even hear it now over the pounding rain- work as fast as they can, but the road in front of me is nearly incomprehensibly blurred. the headlights behind me, the tail lights in front, and the small reflective flashes that delineate the road's lanes are the few things I can make out with much clarity. this isn't safe, but I can't imagine stopping.

fog is rolling in now. at first i think it's my windows fogging from the humidity, but no- the fog rolls over the road, surrounds me and my fellow drivers, and what little i could make out of the road is fully gone now. just the lights. someone speeds past me in the left lane, impatient with my 40mph crawl, as if this thick sheet of water is a mere inconvenience for them. the taillights guiding me slowly disappear from sight. i realize that i am alone in this, that my family is 8 hours the other way, that my apartment- whenever i get there- has no one waiting. that my phone has no service out here. have i ever been this alone? it's my senior year of college, of course i've been alone, havent i? i keep people at arms length, but- they're still just a stretch of my fingertips away. i have never been so far from love in my life, and i am afraid. but i cannot imagine stopping.

at some point the rain lets up a little, and i catch up to some taillights again. different ones, i think, than before. these belong to a small truck that i don't remember seeing before. i have half a mind to pass it, at the pace it's keeping. my windshield wipers are making that annoying scrape they do, and i switch them to a lower mode. i think "that was crazy, but at least i made it through". the sky does not take kindly to my ego.

she opens up again, as fierce as ever, maybe fiercer, if that's possible. for the first time, i think "i really should stop. it's too much, there's no way I can do this for however many more hours I have left in the trip. and why bother? what's waiting for me?"

the truck in front of me begins to flash it's hazard lights, and I slow down, thinking they'll pull over. they don't. the hazards are simply a signal- "it's bad. i'm going slowly. i cannot see any more than you can. But I'm not stopping."

i can barely feel my face through the stress of it all, but i think tears prick up in my eyes. something about those red lights flicking on and off ahead of me is suddenly steadying, and loving, and beautiful. a beacon I can follow, just for now, through this little patch of angry sky. we move through the rain together like two scared animals, slow and uncertain but undeniably in this force of nature together. i feel somehow protected, even though i know whoever's in front of my is just as helpless as i am. it's just good to not be alone.

when the rain finally clears- really clears, clouds gone and everything- we emerge alive together. in the sunlight, I'm met with the realization that my eyes are strangely blurry and dry, like I haven't been blinking since the rain came through. i realize my shoulders are hunched, that every part of me is tensed. I straighten up a little, i let the fear dissolve, although it's going to take some time before i believe i'm well and truly safe. maybe i won't even feel that way till i get home. my companion through the rain is certainly still taking the cautious route, moving slowly across the dampened road. if I want to make it back before midnight, i'll need to pass them by. my heart aches a little. i want to see their face, give them a nod, a thanks, anything to acknowledge what we've been through together. i know i won't be able to.

but I can't imagine stopping.

[jtrokujo]

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐇𝐘 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐎𝐗𝐈𝐂¿

paring: Mikaela Hyakuya x fem!Reader

(they’re 18+!!!)

word count: 4k

warning: this story contains sexual content

gerne: smut

summary: there are days when they get along well but there were also days when they hated each other like the plague and even though they love each other?

—

The weather is neutral, but I wish it got better.

The sun is obscured by the gray clouds, but it's not windy or anything.

You could even go out with a top.

However, y / n decided to take a seat in the four walls with a number of different books and a tall pile of books right next to them.

As she gently leafed through the pages of the somewhat older book, she felt a stab.

Of course it didn't hurt since no one was attacking her, but it felt like someone was watching her.

Without presenting her feelings, she took some books and put the rest where she got them.

Immediately after leaving the library, she stopped in the middle of the path and said with an annoyed sigh, "Bathory, I know you're here."

He stands grinning in front of y / n, but could hardly show a disappointed face.

With his head tilted to one side, he looked at his prey and smiled at her immediately. "I prefer you to call me by my first name, dear."

“I do what I want and not what you want, Bathory. Besides, I have better things to do than waste my precious time being influenced by you. "

When they told the vampire, she continued on her way, or at least intended to.

As quickly as he came, he grabbed her arm just as quickly. "But y / n, why is it in such a hurry?" asked the vampire, amused, pressing more and more on hers with every second, so slowly you could hear her bones. Y / n had to react immediately!

Without thinking for a second, she dropped all of the books on the white floor and immediately grabbed her gun. "You should let go of me!" y / n's voice rang out down the hall and immediately shot the vampire in the arm.

His blood spurted around her.

Y / n got his blood on her face as well as on her clothes - it was the same with Bathory, also the wall and especially the floor got his blood.

"Disgusting." mumbled y / n and wiped the blood on her face, although she knew herself that it would be of no use.

"What's going on here?" Everyone but not him.

"Hello Mika!" said Ferid with delight and turned to get a better look at him.

"Have you lost your nerve again?" he asked me annoyed, but he only looked at me for a few seconds and immediately saw Ferid's blood spatter.

"What do you mean 'again'?"

Even if we've known each other for a long time, we both have to admit that one and the other have diverged. Sometimes it was his fault, sometimes it was me. There were of course moments when we got along really well, but in the end they weren't enough in my opinion.

"Since you've lived with us, at least one vampire must have got something from your weapon."

Said the blond-haired vampire while his eyes stared at me.

I'm not understating when I say that his eyes alone make me feel naked.

Mika only manages to control me through his eyes, even though I should be the one who should control every vampire or the various books I spend most of my time on just one more bad joke.

It was enough for vampires to exist and more than hundreds of people took their own lives just to be able to enjoy themselves. To this day I cannot forgive any of the vampires for what they did to me or those around me. I know myself that there are bad ones, but what is their goal?

Or do you have a goal?

"Y / n." I heard his voice.

Awakened from my trance, I see his eyes again. However, they do not have this previous aura, no, they are a little stricter this time. When I gave him a sign of his attention, the lecture immediately came, "You are old enough to know how to behave and with whom to behave. If you show this behavior to someone else, I'll let that person do it . " and do what they want, because I haven't had the nerve for someone like you for a long time. So finally know your limits before I use my weapon against you! "

Impressive. From sentence to sentence his voice grew louder and louder. Seriously, I never expected or even had the idea of ​​this side of Mika in my life, but here it is. Wonderful y / n, now you have managed to sink deeply with Mika, which is actually the very last thing I ever wanted to achieve in my life, but life has never been a paradise.

With a chuckle, Bathory put his arm and my shoulders and spoke to Mika.

"But, but Mika shouldn't be so strict with her. She's just a little girl again, not even now, is she?" "If I were that little girl, you would surely have two arms instead of one." After saying my sentence, I picked up the books that were still on the floor and didn't say goodbye to anyone, why should I?

Bathory is nothing more than an idiot who uses his satisfaction to see others suffer rather than provoke them too.

While Mika nudges both children like a father, although the other is to blame for everything.

When I got to my room, I put the books on my table and sat on my bed, thinking about the old days. However, I don't think of the days with loved ones that I lost, but of those that I spent with Mika before he gave me a “better life”.

I could leave it all behind at any time and either not start an old or a new life, but I love to have him in my heart for it.

Sighing at my thoughts, I give up and stood in front of my closet for the next minute.

While the lukewarm water felt the white bathtub, my clothes landed on the floor.

This life is more of a calling expected of others than a life of its own. A break does no harm to anyone.

I said to myself and after a few seconds I closed my eyes.

After my bath or a break from the real world, I'm just choosing which book to read.

As I was about to start the new book, someone knocked on my door.

Hesitantly, I said the door was open and waited for the person behind it to appear. Please leave it all but Bathory.

Sighing, I immediately put my hand on my left breast and saw him, Mika.

To be honest, I'm happy to see him, but I'm not, but I don't need an explanation. "Good evening." he said in his usual tone. Without making a big head out of it, I repeated it myself, but added if he needed anything from me.

Shivering, I answered my question in the negative and came up to me with slow steps.

The only thing I could do was do nothing. I stopped. When our faces are a few centimeters away, his arm came slowly towards my body, until he reached for something, when he had this in his hand, he came back with a few steps and immediately held a book in my face.

"I really recommend it, I have to say, you have pretty good taste when it comes to books. I've read it several times because these stories, the writing style, the plot and most of all the characters are up to me." uniquely well written down to the smallest detail. "

I looked at the vampire in amazement. "You read that too?" "Y / n, if I hadn't read it, I wouldn't have a clue either."

A little ashamed of my oh-so-intelligent question, I also looked at the floor.

The whole time there was nothing to be heard, neither a little intoxication, nor even breathing. But after a few seconds, Mika also broke the embarrassing silence by taking a few steps and holding out his arm to me. I don't understand it about myself. When Mika is around, I either act annoyed or neutral. However, countless butterflies gather in my stomach when I think of him alone!

"Y / n ... y / n?!" Mika looked up, gave me a neutral look and at the same time held a few strands of my hair and asked me if he should tie my hair up with a towel. I gently took the wet strands of hair from his hand and began to giggle at my discomfort and nervousness. The thought of me being weird was always out of the question.

"I think I'll blow dry my hair. I'll see you at dinner or tomorrow."

"I'll see you at dinner or tomorrow." repeated Mika before she disappeared from my room.

Locked in the room and caught in his deepest thoughts, he stared over the ceiling.

The reviews of that day haunted him to this day when he also dreamed them.

Sleeping now wouldn't be for him, even though it is shortly before 2 o'clock.

But what can you do about it?

The vampire rose from the bed, stretched out, and decided to go for a walk immediately.

As he walked through the empty corridors, he always hoped not to meet anyone.

Whatever stays that way.

Bored and hands in his pockets, the floor caught his attention. It didn't take long, however, because he was amazed to get up when he saw the light coming from someone's room.

He was more than sure whose room, or rather chamber, it was.

It was Y / n's.

He stopped in front of it, thinking, held out his hand and wanted to knock on the door. At the same time he quickly put his hand in his pocket. This scenario takes about 3 minutes. But it wasn't the vampire's nervousness that was unusual, no, why should he be at y / n's door? This is funny.

Doesn't he often seem annoyed or stern in your presence?

Well, he doesn't even know what's going on in his head.

After an eternity, the vampire finally knocked on the human's door and immediately heard "Come in" from the other side.

Without telling himself twice, he opened the door and saw her. He saw her spread out on the large bed with several notes and books.

Stressed out. You can't see it from the outside, but even Mika can confess that he thinks it is strange to see y / n at this time.

"Do you need something?" she asked him and fixed him with her gaze.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping long ago?" he asked and at the same time crossed his arms over his chest.

"Mika, I could ask you that too, don't you think?" sigh y / n and slowly start piling up her notes and books together.

When Mika offered her help, she politely declined and slowly and carefully put the things on her desk.

"If you have nothing special to do, you can always keep me company, you know?"

Yes, even if there is an argument between the two, they still get along well. However, they don't seem to be as close as they used to be. Without saying anything, Mika accepted the offer and sat next to y / n.

Was that really wise?

The smell of y / n gets over his head, but he's not as easy to lose control as other vampires.

Breathing hard, Mika rubbed her eyes and hoped that this unbearable smell would go away any moment.

Easier said than done.

If only I had drunk blood in the last few days. The vampire cursed.

Y / n noticed his unusual behavior and tried to communicate with him, but to no avail. She called his name several times, tapped him on the shoulder, and shook him a little. He seems trapped in his own world. For the first time she seemed to see someone so trapped in his own world. When will he regain his senses?

Annoyed, she hit his skull with her fist, which led to a groan of pain from Mika's mouth. "What does this mean?!"

“If you are tired, please go to your room and sleep there.

Both rolled their eyes in annoyance.

"You have nothing to say to me, human."

"Oh really? What are you going to do about it, vampire?" It wasn't a mistake by y / n, but rather Mika's mistake. If he hadn't called her a human, she wouldn't have called him a vampire. Nobody except Mika knows right now how much he hates vampires and yet he is one himself, but you have to remember that he never wanted to be one. Not everyone is lucky in life.

As I said, even if it was his own fault that she reminded him, he completely lost his nerve. Slowly she approached y / n, she already felt the dark aura coming towards her. However, y / n did not want to show the fear that is in her and slowly rising above her head. She will regret it. "Repeat when you have the pity." "What is the problem? You called me human and I called you a vampire, but you know what makes me be silly, get out of here, vampire. ”Without further ulterior motives, Mika grabbed her wrist and squeezed the bones with her hand listened from print to print. When she wanted to reach for her gun, which is under her top, Mika was a second faster and threw it directly to the end of the room. When Mika immediately released his hand from Y / n's wrist, she saw an emotion in his eyes, sadness.

He was hurt, but shouldn't he care? What should a little person who plays with little guns do against a vampire, ask him about a game? However, he saw her more as a person, he saw her as someone he can love, with whom he can laugh, of course he had had these people before in his life, but they have long since disappeared. Oh how much he loves her.

If only she knew how many letters he wrote her, but never gave them to her, but hid them in his room.

"I'm really stupid." Mika muttered trembling to herself. Y / n heard it and slowly walked up to him "Mika, that was very childish of me and, to be honest, I'm sorry." When she tried to touch his shoulder, he knocked her away and looked into her eyes, it was their fault.

“I don't want your decisions! I never wanted to be a vampire! If you don't know anything about me, please be quiet and think twice before you open your door! ”The whole room went quiet, pretty quiet. It was rather uncomfortably quiet for y / n, but she preferred to keep her mouth shut because it looked like Mika was looking for the right words. "Why do I love you? Tell me Y / N, how can I love you when you hate me so much?" His voice was fragile and it was tormented to hear it that way. "Mika, I had never hated you before." Exhausted, Mika sat down on the floor and looked at the gun at the other end of the room. "Every time I see a gun like that, I hate myself even more." “Even if it sounds a bit clichéd, for example because of the current situation, I have to and want to admit that I love you Mika. You are in such pain and apparently you have torn old wounds. You didn't deserve that, nobody deserved that. ”Y / n sat like Mika on the floor and hugged him. Her warm body against his cold one. As if in slow motion, their faces stood a few inches apart until their lips met.

𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏

With my hands on the back of his neck and my tongue seeking his, his fingertips dance from my thigh under my top.

Only he managed to make me shiver everywhere in a few seconds with the help of his touch. Not through his ice-cold skin, no, only through him. In keeping with the mood, the cold raindrops hit my window pane. "Waiting." he whispered to me.

Not a second later it was pitch black in my room. The butterflies in my stomach just like Mika don't know when to stop, but I love it, never let it stop! His lips kissed every inch of my skin and whispered to me how divine my body was. His hands slide up my top until it finally brushes over my head. The first item of clothing is already on the floor. My legs were around his waist so he could pick me up and lay me on my bed. When he did that, his lips were still on my skin.

As I lay down comfortably, I watched his clothes land piece by piece on the floor. His belly is built like that of a Greek god and although it is dark the moon shines on him. One could have immediately thought it was a godsend. The boxer shorts were the only items of clothing that remained. While I was about to take off my pants, Mika took my hands and indicated that he could do it himself. When my pants peeled off my skin, he looked at my legs in admiration and immediately threw my pants on the floor. Now stand half-naked in front of my bed. The red cheeks on his cheeks were clearly visible. "Are we really supposed to pull this off?" I asked Mika and looked him in the eye. His lips approached my ear and he breathed softly, "Y / n, the question is not, we should, but we can. A human and a vampire, is that a good chemistry?"

"Why don't we want to find out?" I whispered and kissed his shoulder in time. Now he looked at me again, but with clearly red cheeks you could have thought he had a fever, but I can't blame him, because even when his ice-cold body is on top of mine, my body manages to have a hot temperature.

As our tongues played with each other again, our hands explored each other's bodies. While one hand pinches my buttocks, the other is right on my bra clasp.

Moaning slightly, I also pinched his buttocks and felt my muscles tense. A low gasp left his delicate lips, which made me even weaker. My temperature rises more and more with each of his touches.

I can not stand it anymore!

He knows very well that he has the upper hand!

When my bra, like the rest of the clothes, landed on the floor, his ice-cold hands brushed my arms up to my hips and brushed the last piece of clothing across the floor.

I was breathing hard down in my zone.

His hands were on each thigh so I couldn't pinch my legs together. Apart from the horniness, I could hardly move my legs because of his strength, you can not say that he is so strong. The horniness in me is going like crazy! With every breath Mika takes against my area, the butterflies in my stomach fly crazier.

When his tongue brushed my cervix for less than a second, I let out a gasp. Immediately afterwards he pressed his tongue against it and danced with it at the same time. That I'm getting wetter is not only clear to me, but also to Mika, when he was his tongue in my entrance, she explored every single inch inside.

Overwhelmed by shame and lust, I pressed one hand against my mouth so as not to make a noise from you, and the other on his white-blonde hair.

Every time his tongue penetrated deeper and he spread my thighs wider and wider, it honestly hurt, but I don't care about that at the moment because as good as he makes me feel no one is going to do it and I want it too nobody does it because I just want them. Because I just want Mika.

When I thought it couldn't get better, I was wrong. When he started sucking, I was done. My lustful moans got louder every time I sucked, but I do my best that nobody but Mika can hear it. When he freed his tongue from the entrance again, he stuck his middle and ring finger in the next second and didn't give me a second to get used to it. The speed of his fingers is unique!

No matter how much I press my hand against my mouth, my moans stay louder.

Several times his name groaned, which only drove him to increase the speed. My orgasm is nourishing. When I groaned and said I was about to be there, he didn't stop but continued. His tongue dances on my cervix and his fingers successfully hit the G-spot every time, it's just breathtaking!

When my orgasm came, I screamed his name with relish and breathed heavily as I stared at the ceiling.

His beautiful face approached mine, but he devoted his lips to my ears and whispered, "A second round won't hurt you." Aren't my trembling legs enough for him? In the middle of the kiss, I slowly felt his member inside me, but my nails clawed behind his back in pain, we continued the kiss. Now it was Mika who groaned in the middle of the kiss. He closed his eyes and kissed my chest as his hips began to dance. Is it still normal for him to make me feel this way? Because on the one hand I can no longer, on the other hand I want more! Mika's one hand is on my thigh while the other is on my chest. The way he plays sensitive nipples is superb.

I don't know how he makes me feel so good, but I want him to never stop. "Mika, don't stop." I moaned in his ear and wrapped my legs around his waist. When he saw me, I didn't know how to feel. Because his eyes are blood red! He slowly approached my neck. That cold breath worried me even more. He didn't bite me, however, but instead scratched his designated spot with his fangs as the blood flowed from the wound, so it propelled him and made him much faster than before. The clap of our skin was just as loud as the satisfying moans from our mouths. "Y / n." he groaned my name and immediately turned me around. Now my back was visible to him. With both hands on our hips, our bodies clapped together. When I moaned his name one last time, the orgasm came, Mika pulled his member out of me and rubbed it with his hand until finally the white sperm speared out of his body.

𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏

After Mika helped me cleanse my body, we are back in bed naked. "Do you think we can do it?" Mika asked out of nowhere. “I don't think so, I know, Mika. And I think you should too. "The vampire looked at me lovingly and finally kissed me on the lips and immediately afterwards whispered" Good night, y / n. " "Good night, Mika."

[magistralucis]

(You can keep this on private if you’d like, I just had to tell it somewhere. Apologies for my bad grammar or structure, English isn’t my first language)

Hello, I know you probably do not like to get asks anymore about your Swansong fanfiction, but I cannot express how thankful I am for all of your effort. It’s made me realize so many things about myself, and while that may sound funny, it is honest. I left the EDM community a long time ago, only now revisiting for the sake of nostalgia, but I remembered your blog very well. You were always my favorite one, as you reblogged more things I could take in, but that’s a good aspect! I recalled when you first started Swansong, I was so excited, since I saw your past works in those ask games, and I couldn’t be more thankful. It taught me so much, and I related to Sebastian’s story more than anything else in my life at the time. I listened to his music more intently, you gave it a new kind of life I couldn’t understand before, same goes with Kavinsky or Vincent’s music. I’ve loved your blog for years, and no matter what you post, or create, or write, I will be appreciative of it either way. Thank you! Keep being you!

- K Anon

Hello anon. On the contrary, I am absolutely delighted to receive this ask from you, in that you remember Swansong (I need to finish it!!!) and that I've been a source of nostalgia for you 😭💖 Your message could not have come at a more appropriate time. I'm honoured to be remembered after all those years, especially since it's been so hard finding a spark in the EDM fandom on tumblr recently.

To be honest, I've been really disappointed in my writing this year. Since the start of 2022, I've been struggling badly with the fact the world is a horrible place, and I fundamentally haven't been able to believe in any of my works that take a 'the-world-is-worth-living' approach - Swansong included, as well as my sideblog, and the many hundreds of thousands of words I put there. Most of my EDM stuff, even. I've felt fake, I've been really burned out, and I've felt unappreciated as fellow fans disappeared or moved on to other things.

Just wondered what the whole point of it was, really.

I think - I claim, still, that this is a temporary condition - but it was eating at me for the better half of this year. So to read your ask is a blessing. I can't stress enough how much this means to me, that people read this old tale of mine... one of my dearest ones, even... and they remembered it all this time, and still message me about it. I'm sorry I let Swansong lapse for so long. I am really happy you have had fond memories of it, and still do, and that it was a meaningful addition to your life. You've given me a little more hope towards carrying on. Rest assured I will always be here. Thank you very much.

[missazura]

when you least expect it, something in your heart will finally open, finally realize that it cannot take anymore, and that it wants change. if you don't make the choice to leave, you still WILL leave one day, your brain and your heart will finally decide one day "this is enough, i deserve better" and you will feel much more motivation to leave. i know it's hard right now but it WILL get better, our brains are built to make us function, to survive. even when we are at our most broken, we inevitably keep going until we are not as broken and able to keep going again. and one day you wont have to crawl anymore.

i know this isnt the exact same,but to explain what i mean: i have been stuck in a toxic job, with horrible people, 13 hour shifts with no breaks, constant stress and have been physically ill and very suicidal for 6 years. my first and only job i've ever had, i just. haven't left. i've been told i have to stay and have been guilted horrendously to the point of having ptsd and i feel very stuck in my workplace. for the longest time, i did absolutely nothing about it even tho i was miserable, because i was conditioned to believe i needed to be there. something snapped in me this year, i dont even know what happened but finally something in my heart broke open and said "goddamn. this isnt right. i cant do this." and i had many moments where i felt this way, yes, almost constantly, i'd be suicidal and think "god i can't do this anymore" but like... this was *different* and i couldnt explain in words why. it's the same thoughts as always, the same "i can't do this, i want to leave" except this time, it came with motivation! determination! some newfound energy is inside of me.

ive always wanted to leave. just as you've always wanted to leave. but something in me emotionally changed and gave me a passion i never had in my life, just as something in you will change. it's just how our bodies work. i am finally motivated to apply for other places, to leave my workplace hopefully by summertime. and i hope that you are able to also have that piece of you inside awaken itself and help give you the fuel and motivation to move forward, just as you inevitably will as all humans do to survive. and one day you won't just be surviving anymore, you'll be living and you'll be so much happier. im sorry if i didnt make sense, im really bad at explaining words, but basically: don't worry, you will be able to accomplish what you want, simply because that is how human brains are built and eventually you will find that part of yourself that will help you get to the next big step you'd have to take. please take care of yourself, love you azura

thank you so much. I understand how that is, and I'm so so proud of you for taking that big major step out of that place. I know I'm aware that I want to leave this house, yet my guilt holds me in place (I've been abused and conditioned for years that since I'm an orphan my grandma and aunt took in, I'm obligated to pay them back by doing work and taking care of them that I feel suffocated and trapped by it). I got a little taste of freedom when my grandma remarried in 2020 and she left the house to live with her new husband on occassion, but 3 days ago he died, so she's back home here- forever, and I can't stand being here. I know getting a new job is in my plans but at the same time I have to heal my injured body first or I'll crash and make things worse. she expects me to be a caretaker, she throws tantrums and death threats whenever I don't oblige when I'm busy, and at my previous job she kept bothering me on my work time because she was feeling chatty and wanted someone to vent to about her 50 year old problems.

I'm turning 30 next year, and I feel like I'm being too old to live with my family, and I don't feel like I've really lived on my own. I want my own life, just as my sister managed to get hers- but my family backed off on her part bc she's planning to get married one day and I'm still single, therefore they think I have to be of service to the family still bc I don't have any major obligations of starting a family with someone.

I can't take it anymore. I can't keep feeling suicidal about it either, I have to do something about it. my grandma holds the money and I have none of my own so I don't have access to my therapist to work this out with, I feel so trapped.

I might start with opening emergency commissions soon after I'm done with my current batch, but I don't know if I have the means to take in work for the time being. I have to try.

[purplerose244]

Thoughts journal for season 13!! 😎😎 (2/4)

Here we go with another four episodes! I'm enjoying myself A LOT and I do hope we will continue this way! I can't wait to know more about Rock Mom and who really is the Skull Sorcerer and ENOUGH LET'S GO TO THE EPISODES!!! 💕💕

Here we go!!

QUEEN OF THE MUNCE

For this one I already saw the Nya's knight suit already... and she was gorgeous... I mean she always is but COME ON 💙💙💙

These munce are too much 😂 They are kind of adorable in their stupidity really

Jay going full "we're never going to get out Imma get overly pessimistic because YES" is always a familiar sight, almost as him spazzing out during a difficult situation... that could still happen 🤷‍♀️

Good thing Nya gets the brain cell most of the time 👌

Of course while I'm waiting for the third part of Tales of Arcadia, something so similar to the Trollmarket comes my way 😂 Very nice thought, a bit dark. I hope it doesn't get in the way of seeing the good fighting scenes

Okay but THIS

IS PLAIN CURSED, PLAIN BALD HEADS😱😱😱 Well I'm guessing Tommy doesn't have excuses anymore to become a LEGO character 😂

Well Murt, that was one breathtaking story, you should be a storyteller 👍

Ah, there we go, with the Jay and Nya and queen situation 😒 It's not that bad really, considering I thought it was going to be just a weak way to include Jay with just another triangle. It didn't last long so that's kinda fine, but it is annoying that Nya is pushed away. But overall better than I expected

Also it is nice the reminder that she is his yang 💙❤💙❤

And they are still adorable 😂😂 I like that you can tell immediately here who's the strong one of the couple 😎😎

So there is a drawing of the Millie Gillie guy/gal on that wall, huh... was I in the wrong about that being Cole's mom? I thought they said she, but English is not my first language so I could be wrong 🤷‍♀️

Ninja Jay could be the new Kai Ninjago 😂

Aww, that part with the lightning and the crystals was so pretty 🤩🤩

And there we go with the confrontation 😛 I did snorted seeing Jay kinda offended at Nya not wanting to fight for him, but she is still super adorable saying that they belong 💕💕 Also Lloyd just being there trying to calm everyone down, le poor baby 😂😂

Yep, the fire instinct kicking in, Nya is the daughter of Ray after all 🤷‍♀️

AND SHE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY GLORIOUS WITH THE ARMOR 🤩🤩

Oh, apparently the queen of munce can do spin dash 😱

Woooo, that preparation for the spinjitzu was so cool 🤩 And of course she kicked the HECK out of her, THAT'S MY GIRL!!!

And now she's the queen, great, more problems to come 😅 We'll see how this plays out, and I am kinda curious to see queen Nya at work ☺

Not my favorite episode, but still enjoyable, let's keep getting better and better!

So... WHERE IS MY FLAME BABE?!? ❤

TRIAL BY MINO

THERE HE IS 😍😍😍

I don't know if it's because it's a very obvious but convenient thing to do or I just love Kai THAT much, but I love when there's dark and he just lights up his hand. Idk, I just think it's neat 🙂

There're the Geckos! They are cute too 💜 Also chanting about the Millie Gillie guy, I'm still convinced that's just Cole's mom! Also I'm kinda guessing the Skull Sorcerer is the king of Shintaro. He is the most suspicious for now, we'll see how it goes 🤷‍♀️

Poor Kai got the awful thing in his mouth... AND HAIR!!! Look out sweetie, your beautiful chocolaty hair!! 😱

OMG ZANE CALLING OUT KAI ABOUT HIS BLABBERING AS HE DOESN'T HAS A SKELETON 😂😂 I laughed too much at it, I'm sorry Tin Can 😅

Again

Really like the crystal vibe 😍 This one is blue, the other was green, is there a reason?

I missed Kai and Zane together, I missed anyone with Zane in general! It's always a nice contrast and always amusing, especially if hotheadTM is involved 💕

So they throw rocks to show approval, I'm loving this society for some reasons 😂

Okay, vengestone is literally everywhere, there is no way all this stuff was not on purpose. It would make sense that a place studied to weaken an elemental master was meant for something more. Wooooo, ROCK MOM ROCK MOM 🖤🖤🖤

Awwww, I don't know why but them acknowledging the elemental masters is super satisfying 💜

Oh so Kai is not a king, he's a chancellor... and he didn't want to 😂😂 Vincent definitely had fun voicing this episode 👌

Okay, so there are three explorers involved? I'm guessing the muscular one in the trailer was one of them. I wonder what will be their part in the story 🤔

Poor Kai, his encouragement speeches used to be the key of convincing, here it's harder. Let's see how they will deal with this... also how Kai will react with queen Nya of the munce 😂

Pff, Zane throwing the rock of encouragement, that was so adorable 🤍

I really missed these two ❤🤍❤🤍

THE SKULL SORCERER

Seriously, even talking to herself and thinking about the worst situations like Bluebell? If Cole and Vania do end up together, I'll still hold onto the fact that Rocky is into the loquatious type 😂😂

Okay, a sweet princess' paranoia towards a little white cute dragon named Chompy?

One of the cutest thing ever seen 😍 Also I am a firm believer that everything improves if you put a dragon into it, another reason why I love Ninjago so much 🤍🤍🤍

Pff, seeing Vania talking about call then the cut on the black ninja makes me think about that one vine with the guy hanging with his phone saying "Yeah I'm okay mom, bye (phone down)... I AM NOT OKAY!!" 😂

SOLO MOMENT WITH COLE!!! Freaking yes, and it looks like the little tic of talking to himself when stressed from March of the Oni got stuck 🙃🙃

Lava punches back! Big bad bats!! Spiders!!... wait- AAAHHH 😱

Okay, forgive my skepticism when I doubt that a simple spider web could stop one of the strongest ninja of the team. We needed Vania to the rescue, alright, still sounds a little easy but eh watcha gonna do 🤷‍♀️

SHE HAS HER HAIR DOWN!!! SHE LOOKS STUNNING!!! Golden hair girl 💛💛

And Chompy is a big good boy 🤩

CALLED IT!!! CALLED IT FOR THE KING!!!... I mean it was kinda obvious 😅 Still, happy I thought about it before it actually happened. Although it's curious that the reveal happens now, halfway there, unlike in Prime Empire where it took almost all the season to build up the reveal. What's left for the finale?... ROCK MOM?!?!

There's a customer for all that vengestone? That... actually makes a lot of sense. Anyone who is against the ninja would want it really, and that only considering past villains. And if we think about possible elemental masters coming back, uuuhhh, I like where this is going!!

YOU CANNOT HURT A BABY DRAGON IN THIS SHOW AND NOT PAY I HOPE YOU GET THE WORST DEATH/DEFEAT OF ALL THE FRANCHISE 👿👿👿

Wait, so they don't naturally have wings? Oh, that's why she didn't have them in the trailer, I see 🤔

This is probably the only moment when I think they rushed a bit. Not too much, I iust feel like we haven't seen enough of Vania and her father to truly feel that decision moment as fundamental. Still cool, still intense, but kinda light. Anyway GO PRINCESS GO!!! 💕💕

THE REAL FALL

Oh Garmadon... that title... *flashbacks The Fall while realizing this is indeed Cole's season* NOT AGAIN 😱😱😱

I mean they are already falling so... uh, let's see how it goes

HE EVEN FRAMED CHOMPY HE MUST DIE SO HARD 😡👿😡👿

Okay the fall here is actually kind of hilarious 😂 Or is it because I love that Kirby gets to be on the center of the attention and he is giving his all? Idk, I love all the voice actors of the show really 🤷‍♀️

Hey, you people watching this

Am I the only one getting emotional here?? 😢 ... just me, huh 😅 I mean come on, it's Cole and Wu! The first leader and the sensei! The used to be dad and his son Cole Jr.! I headcanon that Cole was the first to arrive at the monastery and this feels like the old times... EMOTIONAL PEOPLE

Lol, sensei taking the time to compliment Vania about her behavior, he's gonna adopt her when this is over 😂

I mean, you kinda faced worst yes, you fell into the Underworld on dragons you used to be afraid of, you fell from a ship with an anchor, you fell into a junk compactor that almost squashed you against your rival now best friend, you fell from SPACE towards THE EARTH, you fell from a ladder... THE LADDER COLE 😱😱😱 (this fangirl will never recover from that)

Aaaand a giant web. Of course. Classic Ninjago lack of luck right there 👈👈

Clutch Powers still lives 😂

Okay, seriously? She freaks out when things gets out of hand and talks about staying calm by making vocal exercises! Freaking, it might be me trying to find an excuse to think about Bruise, but they are making it a little too easy for me 🖤💙🖤💙

I am kinda loving her being so genuine, Idk, I really like Vania. She does her best 👍

Falling > Dying, life lessons by your master of Earth 😎 Wu sounds so done, they can never go anywhere without something crazy like this happening 🤣

Why is this so funny, the sequel of The Fall shouldn't be 😂 Meh, not complaining

That was one very mad Lapras

YES THANK YOU SENSEI!!! Finally he acknowledged it, Cole is literally surrounded by his element, OF COURSE he is crazy strong in here. I needed this scene, heck yeah, I love elemental powers 🖤

Oh they must be the explorers... Merlin, Assassin's Creed and Conan the Barbarian 😅 So we hit rock bottom, literally apparently, and one of the spider's name is Adam... OKAY

So the real fall was in fact Cole falling asleep for the shock 😂 Lol if Cole and Vania really don't end up together, I can joke and say that in this season Cole has never fell harder 😉😉

This was very amusing, I liked this episode, I would rewatch it only for the comments 😂 I'm curious to see what else will happen, especially with these three now involved! Who are they?

[limerental]

Hi! I really appreciated your post about Yen, thank you. I don't wish to bring discourse to your blog, but there's something about ep05 that bothers me a lot that I haven't seen anyone mention before, and after seeing your post, I wanted to ask your opinion on it, just to hear what someone else might think. (I don't dare to make my own post for fear of discourse, so I also understand if you want to ignore this ask!) Basically, I'm hugely uncomfortable by the bathtub scene and Geralt's and (1/2)

Yen's kiss. Geralt outright says that he's worried he doesn't have enough money to repay Yen and leaves as soon as she considers his debt paid, which makes it seem as if he only went into the bath in the first place because he's indebted to her. Then, Yen dresses him in tight clothes that he doesn't seem to want to wear, and goes on to kiss him after she's drugged him. I really can't see consent in these scenes and I don't like that they're framed as romantic. What do you think? (2/2)

I’ve already basically answered this in my previous post.

I don’t think anyone outright frames what happens in that episode as romantic. She’s meant to be antagonistic and morally grey in this episode but someone that Geralt still sees worthy of saving/is fascinated by and ultimately setting up their flawed relationship from its messy start. With the hope/point being that it can grow and shift in time.

But like... kissing Geralt and dressing him in leather is not ultimately... that bad in comparison to the fact that she uhhhh doesn’t mind sentencing him to death. “She made him take a bath” kinda pales in the face of “she didn’t care that he was probably going to die”.

I don’t quite understand the focus on crticizing her for enjoying making Geralt a little uncomfortable vs....... not minding that she uses him as a pawn and not caring what happens to him afterward.

Like I cannot stress enough that it is weird that so many people concentrate on and pick apart Yen’s more trivial actions toward Geralt in this episode when the “who cares if he dies” is right there. (To clarify for those who have not read my Yen post and may not see the context, I love Yen despite of and because of her character flaws, mistakes, and misdeeds and me saying she did a bad thing is not a condemnation of her)

I also don’t personally interpret the bathtub scene in that way. They seem to be getting on fairly well, exchanging banter, talking politics, trying to suss each other out. I assumed that he left because what the fuck man.... a mage who doesn’t want payment in coin clearly wants something else. He doesn’t trust her and she doesn’t give him a reason to trust her (and for good reason). He’s not like “welp debt’s paid time to get out of the water” I think he assumes at that point that something’s up.

[kali-tmblr]

Problematic Atlas Quotes: Volumes 1-3

All of the places on Remnant put together have not produced as many jarring incongruities and mixed messages as Atlas. These are all quotes relating to Atlas that really stood out to me at the time and have stayed with me since.

Volume 1

Penny: I am combat ready! (Yeah, but are you ready for anything else? And who would send out a cute girl robot who was ONLY ready for combat?)

Weiss: The innocent never run, Yang! (Karmic law says that one will come back to bite your ass, Weiss.)

Penny: I don't have a lot of friends, but if I did, I would want them to talk to me about things. (We haven't seen this one come back around to Penny yet. Blake, yes. Penny, no.)

Volume 2

Ironwood: But ask yourself this: Do you honestly believe your children can win a war?

Ozpin: I hope they never have to. (Note that Ozpin believes they can. It's having to fight he considers a failure. Later revelations would make his view even more tragic.)

Ruby: But why not let us know you were okay?

Penny: I... was asked not to talk to you. Or Weiss. Or Blake. Or Yang. Anybody, really.

Ruby: Was your dad that upset?

Penny: No, it wasn't my father... (Ironwood speaks next. An early sign of Ironwood's controlling nature.)

Penny: I'm the world's first synthetic person capable of generating an Aura. (Tell me more.)

Penny: One day, it will be my job to save the world (The whole world? Seriously, tell me more.)

Penny: It's okay, Ruby. They're not bad people; I just don't want to get you in trouble. (And why would talking to you get Ruby in trouble? And why send her to a festival that encourages students to talk to each other if you won't let her talk?)

Penny: Just promise me you won't tell anyone else my secret. Okay?

Ruby: I promise.(If she HAD told Pyrrha, the whole debacle might not have happened. Will this come up again?)

Roman: As some of you may have heard, this right here... (Taps the giant mech) ...is Atlas's newest defense against all the scary things in the world. And thanks to my "employer", we've managed to snag a few before they, uh, "hit the shelves".  (Damn, Atlas, y'all got a lot worse security problems than Ruby.)

(The image of Penny dancing by herself at the ball surrounded by uniformed guards. Say what?)

Ironwood: Ruby, I feel it's appropriate to let you know that I think what you did last night is exactly what being a Huntress is all about. You recognized a threat. You took action. And you did the very best you could. (Ah well, that's nice. Doesn't entirely fit in with the rest of your character James, but it's nice.)

Ruby: Wait. You think this girl is connected to Torchwick and the White Fang?

Ozpin: It's possible. But we still lack the required evidence to link the two together.

Ruby: Actually, I... I think I remember her saying something about a hideout, or something, in the southeast. Just outside the Kingdom.

Ozpin: Interesting.

Glynda: I thought you said the intruder never—

Ozpin: Thank you for your cooperation, Ruby. Why don't you go and spend some time with your team? You have a big day ahead of you.

Ruby: Any time.

Ozpin: And Miss Rose, please try and be ... discreet about this matter.

Ruby: Yes sir. (This tells Ironwood several things. It tells him that Ruby will lie for Ozpin, that Ozpin will cover up Ruby's lie to protect her, and most importantly that Ruby and Ozpin TRUST EACH OTHER.)

Glynda: Why must your answer to everything involve a triumphant display of military bravado!? You treat every situation like it's a contest of measuring di—!

Ozpin: Glynda!

Glynda: Well, he does. (Tell me more, Glynda.)

Ozpin: You're a general, James. So tell me, when you prepare to go to war, which do you send in first? The flag bearers, or the scouts? (Why is a civilian Headmaster schooling a general with a lesson taught to greenhorn Lieutenants? And why does he have to?)

Ozpin:  We fought for countless reasons, one of which being the destruction of all forms of art and self-expression. (SOME kingdom has control issues.)

Glynda: You're a good person, James. You've always done what you think is best for the people, even against strong protest. It's admirable. But it's high time you stopped talking about trust and started showing it. (So Ironwood's trust issues are not new. Tell me more.)

Councilman 1: You've left us no choice! The Vytal Festival tournament cannot be broadcast, let alone held, if we are unable to ensure the safety of the citizens.

Councilman 1: Ahem... Therefore, we have reached out to the Atlas Council and together have decided that the best action is to appoint General Ironwood as head of security for the event.

Ironwood: Thank you, Councilman. Our Kingdom is happy to lend as many troops as it takes to ensure that the event runs smoothly and safely as possible.

Councilman 1: And we thank you, General.

Ozpin: Will that be all?

Councilman 1: For now. But after this festival comes to a close, we are going to have a serious discussion about your position at Beacon Academy. General Ironwood's reports over the last few weeks have left us somewhat... concerned. I am sure you understand.

Ironwood: This is the right move, Ozpin. I promise, I will keep our people safe, you have to trust me.(Damn dude, what did Glynda just say about trusting people? And why do you expect Ozpin to trust you when you clearly have tattled behind his back?)

Ironwood: You brought this on yourself. (Yeah, he did. By trusting you.)

Volume 3

I have already written a detailed post on the vast discrepancies between how Winter Schnee behaves and what she is trying to convey in her first scenes, titled "Snowbirds of a Feather". Suffice to say Ironwood isn't the only Atlesian sending mixed messages.

Ironwood: If you were one of my men, I would have you shot!

Qrow: If I was one of your men, I'd shoot myself.(So y'all have an acrimonious history as well. Okay.)

Goodwitch: While I wouldn't condone his behavior, retaliating like you did certainly didn't help the situation. ("Call yourself a grown-up? I've seen better behavior from first-year students! Why do I even have to say anything to you? Don't answer that.")

Qrow: You sent me to get intel on our enemy, and I'm telling you, our enemy is here.

Ironwood: We know.

Qrow: Oh! Oh, you know! Well, thank goodness I'm out there risking my life to keep you all informed!

Ironwood:Qrow-

Qrow: Communication's a two-way street, pal. You see this? That's the SEND button.

Winter: They had reason to assume you'd been compromised. (So, Ironwood, explain to me WHY, if you seriously think Qrow has been compromised, you haven't brought it up with HIS BOSS before now? Isn't that information kind of important?)

Qrow: Despite what the world thinks, we're not just teachers, or generals, or headmasters. The people in this room, the leaders of the other two academies, we're the ones that keep the world safe from the evils no one even knows about! It's why we meet behind closed doors, why we work in the shadows. So you tell me, James, when you brought your army to Vale, did you think you were being discreet, or did you just not give a damn!?

Ironwood: Discreet wasn't working. (Explain.)

 I'm here because this is what was necessary. (Explain.)

Qrow: You're here because Ozpin wanted you here! (Is it just me, or does anyone else think this sounds like it was an unpopular decision?)

Ciel: Ruby Rose. 15. Hails from Patch. Leader of Team RWBY. Status: Questionable. (Daaaammmn son. We need to talk. You ordered a full background check on a teenage girl just because she talked to your android? And then you gave it to your android's handler? And on top of all that, a gifted honor student from a multigenerational Huntsmen family who leads Beacon's first-year star team, who Ozpin clearly trusts, only rates as "Questionable"? Who doesn't rate as "Questionable"? Oh that's right. Qrow is also "Questionable", and so is Ozpin. Tell me, do you rate yourself as "Questionable"?)

Ciel: Penny? I believe it is best if we move on to our next location.

Penny: Could we have just a minute to talk? (No seriously, is Penny now not allowed any free time?)

Ciel: It's been precisely one minute, ma'am.(Apparently not.)

Penny: Ruby, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. I want to stay at Beacon.

Ruby: Penny, they'll never let you do that.

Penny: I know, but I have a plan.(Tell me more.)

Yang: You're from Atlas. What could we expect?

Weiss: Well, seeing as their Kingdom, academy and armed forces are all merged as one, I think we can expect strict, militant fighters with advanced technology and carefully rehearsed strategies.  ... Or whatever they are.(So even other Atlesians think Atlesians send mixed messages.)

Ironwood: For the past few years, Atlas has been studying Aura from a more scientific standpoint; how it works, what's it made of, how it can be used. We've made... significant strides. And we believe we've found a way to capture it.

Qrow: Capture it and cram it into something else. (Dude, exactly WHERE did Penny's Aura come from?)

Ironwood: What I believe and hope this to be is nothing more than the result of stress and adrenaline. When you're out on the battlefield, your judgment can become clouded in an instant. Sometimes you see things that simply aren't there. Even after the fight is past... (That answers that question. You don't trust yourself either. What happened to you?)

Ironwood: Ozpin, the girl... I-I can explain! (You've got a full scale Grimm invasion going on and you're more terrified of OZPIN? What did you do to create Penny, James? How ELSE have you betrayed Oz?)

Ironwood: Qrow! This isn't my doing! (Why did you automatically assume Qrow is attacking you instead of looking behind you? Guilt?)

This post is long enough already, so I'll finish later. While I may be overreacting to some of these statements, that doesn't explain all of them. It's looked from the beginning like there was something fishy going on in Atlas, especially having to do with Ironwood.

[selfharmxhelp]

I tried to self harm once with a sharp nail file and I tried to carve into my skin but I never drew blood (only once when I scratched) and I've thought about doing it with a pencil sharpener but when I tried it was too full and I haven't tried again and I feel like a faker whenever I think to myself that I self harm saying that it wasn't even that bad and you can't even see the scars and I feel like I'm not that bad and that I'm just faking it

You felt bad and you damaged your body causing yourself pain. It is self harm. There is this strange conviction in our society that self harm is only when you cut your skin with blade and so bad that you end up covered with blood and, eventually, visible scars. It's not true at all. I used to scratch my skin as well, some of my scratches turned to hardly visible scars, some of them disappeared forever unless seen under microscope but I never bled. I used to hit the walls and pull my hear but there was never any blood. I used to burn my skin, put out cigarettes and matches on my body. That left scars but blood never showed. Does that mean I didn't self harm? That I only started self harming when I cut my skin so deep blood poured?Every action we take that is caused by overwhelming emotions such as sadness, stress, anger or numbness, and which we take out on ourselves is considered self harm. Some people say piercings or tattoos are too but I'd have to disagree - I consider them as art and literally nothing to do with mental issues. However everything we do by ourselves to cause us pain is self harm - self injury - self abuse - self mutilation; there are several names to it but none of them includes the word "blood". I'm not going to look for a dictionary-wise definition of the term itself but you hurt yourself on purpose and that makes it bad enough, that makes it a true thing and not a fake action which you need to re-do to be able to call yourself a self harmer. If you felt bad and decided to "solve" it by harming yourself then it's serious and the problem of nomenclature is the least important right now. You have only just started doing it, accomplished step 1 into self harm so, as soon as you can, go to step 2 which is: stop it right now. You said your scratches didn't really leave any mark and you should really consider it luck. Self harming won't do you any good, it won't solve your problems, it won't make you feel good and make you and your life full of happiness. It's a serious addiction, having impact on your physicality and mentality both. It will give you nothing but a fake feeling of relief which disappears after a minute and leaves you in a worse state than you were before. Self harm is a method of reacting to what happens on the inside but it's not a solution. It's just like cigarettes, drugs or alcohol - a way to forget about your problems temporarily without any permanent action to make the problem disappear. Now you have scratches, next you will have cuts and you will be able to call yourself a self harmer with no doubt behind it. Then you will soon be covered with cuts- they won't scar because you won't let them. And then you will make even deeper cuts which will make you panic or even put your life in danger. And you will look back at this moment and wish you had stopped back then. Self harm has a huge impact on the issues you are going through - it will make them worse. It will add the problem of addiction itself, fighting the urge, feeling pain when you do it but also, when you don't do it as your body will need it. You will fall into depression, you will withdraw from society, you will push away people you like and love, just so they wouldn't know. You will spend quite a lot of money in a pharmacy, buying band aids and antiseptics to heal your wounds. You will feel shame and weakness, even though you shouldn't. Nothing good has ever come from self harm. It's just a way of hurting yourself more and more and it soon takes over your life even if it started from scratches.What made you self harm in the first place? What was the source of your behavior? The reason for your action is the problem that needs to be solved, dealt with and not with self harm. Please, feel free to message me privately. It's way easier to talk that way and I'm more capable of helping you out and supporting you. I never publish private messages so you don't need to worry, you will remain anonymous. Also, you can use chat which cannot be published at all. I'm really eager to help you and I will try my best to find some solution to the problem of yours. I'm here, remember. You are strong and you are great. Don't give up on yourself and instead of hurting yourself, fight for a better tomorrow for yourself and don't let your problems take over your life. You can fight and you can win. Believe in yourself because I believe in you. Stay strong and never give up.Take care xx

[manikrege]

I never thought I'd write about "love" again but here I am

You ever been with someone you can never "be with?" A friendship that you know has much more to offer but also too much to lose?

Crap, it's that cheesy romcom cliché from Christmas 2008. My Jai has fallen for an Aditi. And I'm mulling about whether we should have that "talk" when we Zoom tonight.

Maybe they'll explain that they don't see me that way and this would complicate things. Heck, maybe they'll point out how we're from different backgrounds, countries, jobs, and religions - and I'll have to clarify that it's these differences I love the most. It's starting to feel like a Toastmaster's debate.

If I have to be both realistic and happy, I'm hoping that they'll smile, appreciate me for sharing my feelings, and promise to help me get over it eventually. Such mature discussion. Much wow.

Scenarios. Scenarios. Scenarios. As I'm slinging through the multiverse created by my anxiety-ridden, 23-year-old brain, I have to say that there's something different about this person that's keeping me awake. There has to be.

Because I thought I left behind this topic in my emo teen phase. With poems that I took the effort to rhyme lmaoooo. But its almost after an entire decade that I'm finding myself chirping down this path again. Spring in my step and all. So the writer in me is definitely curious.

See first of all, there wasn't a love-at-first-sight moment. It wasn't full of butterflies and crazy adventures. In fact, I can't pinpoint a specific day when I understood that I wanted more. There weren't any explosive fireworks. The hunch grew more like five sips of chai. Normal, comforting, simple. Like how you move into a new house and then it eventually becomes your home for no good reason. And you get into a cozy routine.

I have spent so much time in their company doing jackshit. This one day we camped in our university's library. On our own laptops doing our own assignments. When the guards told us it was time to leave, we walked out talking about how well-spent the day was and we should definitely do it again.

It's not like we haven't had fun together. We've hung out, flown to new cities. We've eaten with forks at fancy brunches and also ravaged through banana leaf buffets like Savannah lions.

We've also had the craziest of talks. From junk gossips to deep philosophical musings at 3AM. They once looked down at the dimly lit highway and told me how every passing car must have people with complex lives and stories that we'll never hear. Trippy? Well, you should see our chats, you'd think we're in the stratosphere.

But floating in between all that noise are many blank pages that weigh just as much. Silences I never felt obligated to fill. Sometimes, we just lie around and chill.

Which tells me that this new kind of love I'm discovering ... this love isn't all shining and glamorous. After all that excitement fades away, there's a cozy blanket of silence that takes over. You don't have to go on extravagant holidays to relax. You don't have to buy each other costly gifts to feel special. You don't have to upload Stories of everything you do together. There's nothing to prove to the world, nothing to show off.

Instead, it's the simple gestures. They're both noticed and reciprocated. The person's company is more than enough. And you no longer have to do only wild things to feel like you had a good time.

If you can feel happy cutting a cupcake in the dark and call it a party, when its not even your birthday, that's when you realize they're the one.

Mind you, even if there's comfort, there's also discomfort. I like that we call each other out on our bullshit. They don't just pretend to agree with all my decisions or opinions because I'm their best friend. In fact, there are so many things we do openly disagree on and also furiously debate about.

We also hold each other accountable for our mistakes. I have a loud mouth and when I leak something in a public conversation that I shouldn't have, they will remind me that I can do better.

This could've been a toxic or abusive thing where we're constantly pushing each other's buttons. But its not the case because toxic relationships rely on fear. The fear of causing damage. But when we discuss our issues, we're not afraid of permanently ruining or breaking things.

We understand that we cannot realistically always like each other. Sometimes, I will hate her. And I'll say it. They'll say they hate me even more. Sometimes I'll be so pissed off at something silly they did. But I won't feel bad or guilty about it. We respect these negative emotions and agree that we can be imperfect and kinda off on some days. These fleeting currents and tiny problems don't threaten our bond. I speak for both of us when I say we have this unbreakable faith that we'll always be able to 'work it out together.'

When you call someone your 'loved one,' it means they're signing up for the whole package. Which occasionally includes confusion, misunderstandings, disappointment, and hurt.

If you can openly talk about all your feelings and problems without having to worry about losing them, that's when you realize they're the one.

But all that said, I think the most special thing about this special person is how they make me want to be better without ever having to push me ahead.

What I mean is that they're a forever fan. At gatherings, they'll take me around like I'm Barack Obama and introduce me to all their friends, raving about the 'cool projects' I'm working on this year. They're my biggest cheerleader, hyper-supporter, and meme-liker to the point of cringe. When I'm down and sobbing about how I suck, they'll tell me to shut up and refuse to believe that I'm anything less than the best.

I feel immensely relaxed knowing that I'll always be good enough for them, even when I'm not good enough for myself. See, it's not a conditional contract. There's this underlying assurance that they'll be cheering me for me even when I'm behind, even when I finish last. I don't have to constantly worry about proving myself to them or living up to their 'expectations.'

A relationship of any kind and degree shouldn't feel constantly challenging, uncomfortable, and stressful. That kind of bullshit is often sold under the guise of tough love or training. But you shouldn't feel like you're dragging yourself to please or impress the person.

Because love is safety. It's like a soft sandpit in which we can become kids again and build whatever the fuck we want to. And when we have no power left, it's a force that burns through every fiber of our soul and gives us that last bit of fire to hold on. "Hold on," it says, "We're almost there."

This safe zone my special person has created without even realizing it ... it just makes me want to push myself every day. Their fierce belief in me makes me want to fight, even when I don't want to do it for myself. In fact, it was this person who once told me that we can't always love ourselves and that's why we need friends who can remind us of how worthy we are.

If they make you feel empowered to chase your dreams fearlessly, you know they're the one.

Now that I've said these things out loud, I guess I know that they're really the one.

But I don't feel prepared to tell them yet so I'm going to wait for some more time. I'm not rushing into things. It's perfectly acceptable. And anyway, I'm not worried about being too late. I won't regret telling them right away.

You know how I'm so sure?

Because love is, above all, friendship. And I have it right here, right now.

[amaintainedrisk]

i'm sorry if anybody is worried about me.

I think the most disturbing thing about the century is that I’m not even scratching the surface about what has been going on around here and what my family has been doing to me but I don’t have it in me to tell everything right now. It’s going to have to wait until this headache passes.

Still don't have a phone. The abuse has gotten so much worse and I cannot get anyone to help me. My mother and my aunt have done nothing but torture me since my grandmother died and taking it out on me. I've spent the last three months locked away in my room, and I'm lucky if I eat once a day. They have turn the Internet off so I can't use my iPad to tell anybody or talk to anyone to tell them about this. The only reason I can update right now is because I waited for my mother to leave and I want and ask my neighbor for her Wi-Fi password. She was kind enough to let me use her Wi-Fi.

One of the reasons the abuse has gotten so much worse is because my grandmother completely destroyed her house and we didn't know it. We were trying to clean it up but we didn't have time and they gave us an evection notice and now we are being sued for the damages my grandmother left. They have been taking their frustration out on me. My medicine has been stolen over and over again and I can't tell my nurse because I'll get put into a group home with people who have mental illnesses and don't take their meds. there have been reports of people being attacked there and I'm blind and can't defend myself. I know I'm being abused here but it's the evil I know. At least hear there's no chance of me being sexually assaulted again like at the Cleveland clinic.

Today alone on my mother has done is scream at me and tell me I'm worthless and how much life for her would've been better if I had been born. How much she loves my aunt and my cousins more than me. How much easier it's going to be for everyone once I'm gone. I've spent all day in my room crying while they told me this and laughing. I would not let them in my room but that didn't stop them from doing it outside the door. They wanted me to hear. I have always known he hated me and considered me a burden but whenever they get stressed out they take it out on me. Now because of what my grandmother did to her house, we might get sued and obviously we don't have the money. So it's been taken out on me and for two months straight it's just been me at the age of 32 years old being locked in my room all day long. Some days I don't even go down to eat. It has gotten so much worse since my grandmother died and that's why I haven't said anything because I'm so tired of giving bad news and talking about how much my family hurts me.

even worse, my mother seizure condition has gotten worse so I have to listen to her tell me I'm worthless every day and then turn around and take care of her at night. So she doesn't throw up in her sleep or swallow her tongue. I'm barely getting any sleep and it's worse when I don't have my meds because they're being stolen and again, if I report them, I'll get put in a group home with people who could really, really hurt me. my mother has been screaming at me all day and I can tell she starting to have a seizure so I have another long night ahead of me of taking care of the person who told me recently that if I had a heart attack and died. She would be happy. I actually recorded a bunch of stuff my mother said to me, about how I deserve to be beaten when I was a little kid and I recorded her laughing at me when I fell and hurt myself and I uploaded it all to my vineo Account. I password-protected The videos because they are embarrassing and I didn't want anybody but my friends to hear it. The password for all of my password-protected videos is just my name: "dani" without the quotes.

to make matters worse, my health has been declining as well. As my brain sinks down into my spinal cord, I am now myself having seizures. It means I've entered the last stage of my condition. but I have to suffer through my seizures alone. No one will help me so I just collapse alone in my room and wake up whenever it's over by myself and if I say something I get called a liar and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm terrified one day soon I'm going to have a seizure and I'm not gonna wake up and I'm just going to be laying up you're dead for weeks because no one will check on me. It scares me the most for Carly because I don't want him to starve to death because nobody knows to feed or water him because I'm not allowed to do it. The doctor told me I had less than two years to live in June and I've spent the last seven months alone and dealing with this by myself and knowing the end is coming and my life has been completely wasted and I can't do anything about it now without making it worse on myself. I don't want to die in a homeless shelter or being assaulted in a group home, Which my social worker has said there have been reports of in every group home in this area.

I had to stop typing this because my mother came upstairs to pick a fight with me and told me she hates me and she loves my aunt and my cousins more and she doesn't care that they abused me. They are her family and I am not . I'm her worthless burden daughter who does nothing but disappoint her. And I'm going to have to take care of this woman all night to make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue or throw up in the middle of the night. I don't have my medicine. I won't be able to sleep and I haven't eaten today and I'm having my own seizures but I have to take care of my mother because if she doesn't have me she will die in her sleep and it will be all my fault and then that would make me no better than her. I am not my family. I may be a burden and yes, it would've been better if I wasn't born but I'm here now and I'm not going to do to them what they do to me every day. I even put up a video of my mother telling me I deserved to be beaten at the age of three years old because I left the room. It's on my vineo.

do you see why I haven't updated? Nobody should have to sit through my whining and crying about the same old thing again. About a 32-year-old woman who is being abused and letting it happen. I've been waiting six months for a new phone and now the Internet is gone so i've beensk for my neighbors Wi-Fi password and I am praying she doesn't tell my mother she gave that to me. I couldn't ask her not to say anything because that would've drawn too much attention to it and probably would've screwed me over even worse. so I have the Internet again now… Kind of. It's really spotty. But it's better than nothing.

Another reason I didn't want to update is because I know that Monsie and Christina would ask me to move in with them. and I can't with my health declining so much. I cannot ask my friends to literally be my nurses aids. Especially now that I'm having seizures and I've entered stage four. It is going to be much worse later on if I don't want to spend the last few months I have being a burden on me only two people who care about me and don't abuse me. I refuse to do that I will slowly lose my functions and I am not going to be some unholy burden that… I can't even say because it's so embarrassing. Let's just say the symptoms, near the end, we're going to make me lose control of every single one of my functions. if that wasn't the case I would leave in a second because I am getting just so fed up with life but I'm just having thoughts of ending it every day. Not because of the physical pain but because of the mental pain of being told I'm so unloved and worthless and a burden. The mental pain of knowing my life has been a waste and at the end I'm going to die unhappy and alone. Never experiencing love or life of any kind and Diane a complete failure of a human being. I have tried so hard to get away from these fucking people but I can't without hurting myself more. my grandfather is dying now too and I can't even see him. I have no family here because my mother has told every family member that I have left a bunch of lies about me so they think I'm a horrible person too. They don't know that I spend almost every night sitting by my mother's bedside making sure she doesn't die from her seizure, only to be told I'm worthless and hated all day the next day. The only reason I ran for my neighbors Wi-Fi today is because today it has been particularly hard and abusive and it's caused me to have two seizures today alone. I'm so tired of all of this and I'm just ready to die already because there's no point in staying. Last night at 6 AM after I was done with my mommy duty and watching her over her I just laid in bed and cried and raised my arms and screamed out please help me to a God I don't even believe in. yelling out to the ceiling for someone to hold me and tell me I'm not worthless I'm not a burden. To tell me I'm loved. To tell me not to be scared to die because I won't have to die alone and my life hasn't been a waste. But of course my pleas went

unheard. I am so tired of my mother choosing my aunt over me after all I have done for her and I would do anything to get away from her but I'm out of options, especially with no phone and now no Internet except for the spotty Wi-Fi.

So that's why I didn't update. I had no Internet but even if I did, what good would it have done? It's just the same thing every day. I am so alone and so broken and so scared and it's my own fault because of the age of 32 I shouldn't be allowing this to happen. I'm so ashamed of my family, and of myself. if I could find somewhere to go that would take my Medicaid and a doctor would treat me, and it wasn't a homeless shelter or group home and it wasn't where I would be a burden to my friends, I would go in a heartbeat. in a heartbeat. but I can't find a place like that. My aunt stole my great grandmothers rings when I was in the hospital and my mother knows it. It happened years ago but today she brought it up again and said she didn't want to hear me talk about her stealing it because she's sick of me picking on my aunt for little things. Stealing family keepsakes given to me by a family member that died when I was 12 that I deeply loved isn't very little but she said I was a bad person for bringing it up. My aunt isn't bad for stealing it but I'm a bad person for talking about her stealing it and it just got worse from there when she started talking about all the ways she cares more about my aunt than me even though my aunt treats her like shit as well and refuses to help her. Even though she knows I'm the one taking care of her all night long she still packs my aunt over me and all I heard about today is how I'm not part of the family and how everyone has always been sick of me.

Yeah, this whiny shameful update really needed to happen. It's just the same abusive shit that has just gotten so much worse since my grandmother died. I was hoping it would get better but I was completely wrong and completely stupid for even thinking that. Of course it got worse.

And again my mother is now outside the hall so I have to whisper. She's faking a phone call to somebody or she actually is talking to somebody and she's doing it loud enough for me to here so I can hear her telling them all these lies about things I said or did today that I never did or said just because she wants me to suffer because she stressed out and wants to take it out on me.

… It's been 35 minutes since I wrote that last line. I just had another seizure. The stress is literally killing me faster and I don't know what to do. If I tell on them I go to a place that's extremely dangerous and a blind person cannot defend themselves like that. I'd rather be yelled that van raped or beaten, the way people have been in there Group houses that are my only option. I looked up news reports and police reports and they are just not safe so I have to put up with this.

if you can see this or read this, thank you for your friendship because it's the only thing that has kept me going even though I haven't talk to you in months. You are all I think about and you were the only reason I have ever felt loved in my life. without you I would be dying never knowing what love felt like at all so at least you gave me back and for that I am so grateful and I miss you so much. thank you for being my friends. I'm about to go to bed tonight feeling alone and hated by my family. Going to cry myself to sleep wondering why my mother loves my aunt more than me to the point where she's happy that my aunt abused me. It's going to break me and give me nightmares like it does every night. But every morning I wake up and think of you and I hold on and I would give anything to be with you right now if only I would be such a burden. You can try to text my iPad. Hopefully I will get it now that I have Wi-Fi but my phone is completely a no go. I miss you guys so much and I love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry for being a bad friend and for once again doing nothing but whine and complain. I don't deserve you but I'm so glad to have you anyway. I love you.

I love you.

this is the link to my Vimeo Page:

https://vimeo.com/user79298455

although I just noticed that I don’t think the password-protected videos are listed so I have to post each link one by one down here. I’m not asking anyone to listen to all of them. Or even one of them. I just put them up here so I can document the way my mother treats me so people know I’m not making it up or lying when I say my mothers abusive. The password to each video is the same one: dani

Deserved to be beaten

https://vimeo.com/300103444

Mental and physical

https://vimeo.com/300103444

when they abuse me, it’s to protect my feelings

https://vimeo.com/297632955

worthless

https://vimeo.com/270006846

nervous breakdown

https://vimeo.com/266402098

[fantabulisticity]

Ramblings

I've done some bad things in the past. And while I made it better and changed as a person, they've been haunting me more than usual lately. I tried to go to bed just now, and at 4 am, I cannot stop worrying that people I love are going to somehow find out about the specific bad things I did, overlook all my progress, and ditch me, and I'll be left homeless and friendless.

And I feel I deserve it. I've been through some shit, both before and after the Bad Things I Did, and I can't halt the feeling that I deserve all the bad shit I've been through and more because I can't ever undo the pain I caused good people. Two of the Shit Things I've been through are strikingly, uncomfortably close to one of the Bad Things I did. And though I don't believe in luck or karma, deep down, I do feel I deserved both of them. (One was shortly after the specific Bad Thing I did, and one was more recently, several years after the specific Bad Thing.)

And it wasn't just several years ago, either. I did Some Bad Things just a couple years ago as well, and I did A Bad Thing last year. (And though The Bad Thing I did last year was an understandable miscommunication, I still feel really awful about it.) And due to the recent-ness (recency?) of last year's Bad Thing, I feel like I haven't actually gotten better, that I just hide it until I can't anymore and the Bad Person Who I Really Am comes out at intervals when I "can't" be a good person anymore.

I try so, so goddamn hard to be a good person. All the time. But then I step on someone's toes, I go a little too far, and though that person might not make a big deal of it, it's huge to me. Lately, every time I mess up and hurt someone or almost hurt someone, I worry that my Real personality came out again, that I haven't actually come that far, and that all progress has been lost, because I did it again. I knew better, and I hurt someone. And there are pretty consistent ways that I hurt people, and every time I think I hammered them out of me, I hurt someone or almost hurt someone again in the same ways, and it's like I won't get better.

I've done so much goddamn work. But it's never enough. The kinds of "mistakes" (fuckups) that I make are infantile, inexcusable. There really is no reason that I keep making those mistakes, especially given what I've been through. I should have hammered into my head by now how to be good to people, but no, of course not. No matter how much work I've done. I can't fucking keep up. I can't (or more terrifyingly, won't?) keep up the effort to be kind long enough to stop hurting people in certain ways.

Like, I know I'm going to make mistakes every now and then, and that's fine (really) -- but THESE SPECIFIC MISTAKES have GOT to stop. I CANNOT keep doing this. It's quite literally killing me. (I did a research project on chronic stress, and let me fucking tell you. Goddamn.)

But I can't. Fucking. Stop. And it's the scariest, most terrifying fucking thing. No matter what I do, what tactics I use, at some point I don't close my goddamn mouth or I get into someone's space and it's too much. I cross a line, I curdle all the trust I worked so hard to build, I can see the bond receding like a corpse's skin from its fingernails, shrinking back into itself.

And I want to talk about it. The only people who know about the Worst Bad Things (as far as I'm aware) are the people I hurt by doing those Bad Things. Which is better in some ways and awful in others. With a lot of new relationships I've built that started after what I consider my Worst Bad Thing, the one that keeps me up at night more than all the other ones, I can't help but feel that I'm lying about who I really am. That no matter how much I like to think I've learned and changed, no matter how much work I've done to ensure that me now is a different person than me then, no one knows who I really am except me. I'm the only one who has the full context for who I've hurt and also what I've done to repair that hurt and never repeat it (which, truly, will never, ever be enough. I will not ever be satisfied with the amount of work done).

And I can't help but feel that the longer I don't tell my loved ones the Specific Bad Things that I've done, the longer I'm lying to them -- telling them I'm better than I am, promising never to hurt them even though by not telling them who I really am I'm keeping them from being able to give fully informed consent to having any sort of relationship with me. That by continuing contact, I'm hurting them anyways, manipulating them into thinking they can trust me to be gentle and kind and fair, that I won't crush them. That my Bad Things won't ever affect them, so I don't need to tell them about it, about the dread I feel at night, and sometimes during the day when they tell me they trust me.

I want to cut myself off from them, say, no, you don't understand, you don't have the context. You don't know what made the me you see, the me I present to you. You don't know what I've been hiding, the things I've literally never told anyone and that I'd be ruined by if they ever got out. You don't know what I'm capable of doing, how deeply I'm able to hurt people in the worst of ways. You think you can trust me, that I'm safe, because you don't know, because I would have nowhere to go if I told. No one could trust me if they knew, especially the kinds of people I find I have in common with (the hurt, the abused, the taken advantage of, the trampled). I have to keep my secrets to survive, but by surviving I'm deepening the potential hurt of loved ones who don't know.

And it hurts. So. Much.

I want to be better. I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop fucking up. So, so badly that it isn't a want. It's a need. I need to be better. But I'm not there yet. I should have been there years ago, but I wasn't, and I'm still not. My progress is so slow, and I'm so, so happy when I do it right, happier than I should be (treating people well isn't special -- it's a requirement, and I shouldn't feel That Good about it. It's just my duty as a human. The fact that I feel So Good about doing the bare minimum is pathetic and just shows how awful I really am, how far I am from being Not The Worst).

And I really should tell my therapist about these thoughts and feelings because they complicate the kind of therapy I need, but I'm just so scared of telling anyone about the Bad Things, even a therapist. I couldn't handle the rejection right now. I'd fall apart. And feel I deserve it all the while. I need help, but I feel like I have to do it on my own, that my hurt from having hurt people is my own burden, that no one else should help with that.

I never deal with these thoughts. I'll tell myself that no matter what I did, I didn't deserve the things that happened to me, but I can't believe that. It's an empty phrase. It means nothing. So I distract myself. I watch funny videos, I look at pretty things and soothing things, I listen to music, I fantasize about better things, I talk to people about anything else.

I want to be held and told that I didn't deserve my traumas. And I want to believe it. So badly. But I don't think I can. I want to get there, but I feel like I have to stop fucking up a long time before I can get to a place where I can begin to heal from feeling predatory, evil, a bad person. I made a small fuckup this week, and I apologized so much, and I stopped the behavior, but it hurts me that I could have done it in the first place, that I didn't shut my fucking mouth for one minute. I stepped over someone's boundary, however small an intrusion, and I made them uncomfortable. For something I already knew about, that they talked to me about several months ago, and I did it again.

I just. I feel like I'm not getting better. I don't think about it for one minute and then I fuck up and it hurts people. And it hurts me. And I feel bad that I feel bad at all, that I complain about how much it hurts that I hurt someone, that I wallow and brood and it doesn't keep people from getting hurt.

I've heard all this talk about self love, and in some ways, I do love myself. I love that I try so hard, that I'm good at the things I'm good at, that I surround myself with people who make me want to be better. But in surrounding myself with good people, I feel like I'm taking advantage of their time and resources that would be better spent on a deserving person, someone who learns from their mistakes and stops making those mistakes.

I'm hurting a lot right now. And I don't know what to do. (I'm not looking for suggestions, fyi, just writing my thoughts.)