#i'm so miserable when i go home and then i just sleep for 10+ hours for no reason so i can't even do the things i want to do

[adamshallperish]

at this point it's a win whenever i don't start fucking crying when someone at work tells me i'm doing something wrong

[blarshwritezz]

Could you write a yandere worshipper with a god darling? The darling isn't a benevolent god and requires bloody sacrifices but they are willing to offer anything and everything to them. I would imagine a scenario where the god descends on earth for the first time and he gets to meet them, what would they do? An obsessive, extremely delusional yandere that believes they are meant to be the darling's spouse.

Gender neutral reader and male yandere possibly!

(Can have NSFW or not, whatever you feel most inspired to do)

-🔴🦊

Oh yes! The motivation has me in a chokehold with this one! Also, I was planning on adding NSFW, but got super caught up in the writing and didn't. I'm sorry

Yandere Worshipper x God Reader

M yan x gn reader

TW - obsessive behavior, delusional behavior, blood, torture, murder, harming animals, masochism, manipulation

Before you, his life was miserable. Nothing was worth living for. Everything absolutely pissed him off. Most nights he'd go into the forest behind his home and kill whatever small animals he could find rather than sleep. There was something relaxing about causing something to bleed and watching the light slowly drain from their eyes.

On one of those such nights, he just so happened to kill a rabbit on an abandoned altar. Your altar. He didn't really notice. It just seemed like another abandoned structure. Just a crumbling rock covered in vines to him. Nothing special whatsoever.

Oh how wrong he was. That "stupid rock" was exactly the thing that would change his life.

As the blood of the rabbit seeped through the vines and onto the stone, lightning struck. Odd, it wasn't supposed to rain that night. Regardless, he didn't want to get all wet, that'd be inconvenient. He went home, rain pouring as soon as he closed his door. Lucky timing.

It was nearly 3am, and he had to be up in 2 hours for work. Maybe he should actually try to get some sleep. Only bothering to take off his shoes, he went to the couch and flopped down. Tomorrow was going to be just the same. He closed his eyes, sleep taking him faster than usual.

It was dark. He never feared the dark, but there was something...eerie about this. It seemed like, other than a small area around him, this place was entirely void of light.

Was this a dream? It had to be. But it felt so...real.

The rabbit he had just killed tonight was suddenly tossed to his feet, coming from the darkness. But something was off. It had no blood left. It was completely dried up.

"My, you certainly are disgusting, aren't you?" A voice rang out all around him. "I adore it."

He tried to speak. To ask what was going on. But nothing. Not a sound came out of his throat.

"Let's make a deal." An ominous hand extended from the darkness. "I will give you all your darkest desires, let you harm whomever you want as horribly as you want. And all I ask of you is that you sacrifice their blood to me. Do we have a deal?"

Well, there's a reasons dreams are called as such. The idea of getting to live out his twisted desires freely absolutely was his dream.

Even if this wasn't real, he agreed anyway. He took the hand and shook it, feeling how cold it was. Your grip was brutal and freezing. If this was real, you might have almost broke his hand.

"That's a good boy~" Your voice faded away, drowned out by the sudden wind.

He awoke with a start. It was still the middle of the night. Checking his phone, he found that he only got about 10 minutes of sleep.

But he also found a large, unnatural bruise on his hand. Right where yours would have held it. Was that...not a dream?

He was hesitant at first. As much as he wanted it to be true, life just wasn't that good to him. But that next night, he went back to your altar. The rabbit and its blood were gone. It was too clean for some other animal to have taken it. So he wanted to try something out. He found three squirrels - it must have been a good night - and brought their carcasses to your altar.

And when he came back the next morning, there wasn't a trace of them.

So it was real...it really was! It started simple. He'd hunt small animals and deliver them to the altar. At some point, he even cleared the vines covering it and made sure the area was nice and clean for you. He's been getting frequent visits from you in his dreams. Even if all he knew was your hand and voice, you were growing more and more enticing...and he even gained your trust enough to allow him to speak!

But the little forest critters quickly learned to avoid the area. Some nights, he couldn't find a single thing for you. And so, during one of your dream visits, he begged and pleaded for an answer.

"My god, my perfect god, I am so sorry! No matter how far I go, I can't seem to find enough blood for you! Please, give me an answer! How shall I please you without enough sacrifices?" He was pathetic, down on his knees in front of you. Or at least, where he thought you were.

Truly, your mortal pet was adorable.

"My one and only follower, let me give you the answer..."

When you said it...it seemed so simple. And truly he was flattered.

He spent his days and nights doing exactly as you said. His home turned into more of a church dedicated entirely to you. A church he would get people to join. It was difficult at first. His people skills were lacking, to put it kindly. But with your perfect guidance, he was able to sweet talk anyone into joining your cult church. It was getting so big that he got to quit his job. After all, your new followers were paying him now.

Preying on the weak and desperate made it easy! But of course, he still had to make sacrifices to you somehow until these people could be used. He needed their trust first. So how did he give you blood? Why, by giving you his of course! Just like you said to!

He loved to make blood spill. But he never realized it would feel so good to spill his own blood. If it was for you, he'd tear out his organs and bones one by one until you were satisfied.

He was enjoying himself too much, and everyone could tell. Well, his followers didn't yet know exactly what was going on, but they knew something was wrong. He was getting paler. He was tired and confused, he could hardly walk straight, and he seemed short of breath from simple tasks.

You couldn't have this. You couldn't let your prophet die of blood loss so soon. There was still much work to do.

"You worry me, my devoted follower. How will you spread my word when you're so weak?" Your cold hand reached from the darkness in his mind, your finger gently stroking his cheek.

This was pure bliss. If only he could never wake up. Your cold hand on his face, heat quickly rising in his cheeks. How kind you were to worry for him. That must mean he truly was meant to be yours!

He worked even harder after that dream. Soon enough, you had hundreds of followers! Enough that no one would notice a few going missing. That was when he could finally make big sacrifices to you.

Those who weren't dedicated enough to you payed the price. The basement of his home turned into a lovely little torture chamber. Those who displeased you in even the smallest ways found themselves down there, and never found their way out. No matter how much they screamed or cried or begged, forgiveness was never earned, and therefore neither was freedom.

Some were so pathetic that they even died. Those ones were fun. Such large sacrifices pleased you anytime he dragged them out to the altar. They made you grow more powerful.

It took so long to get here. So much work. He's become unrecognizable. But finally it was time. He'll never forget this dream. He'd never dare forget any of them! He made sure to write them down after waking up.

"It's nearly time, my faithful follower." Your voice, your absolutely perfect voice surrounded him and rang throughout his head.

"Time for what, my god?" No matter what it was, he was eager. After all, you sounded so pleased right now.

"Bring all our followers to my altar tomorrow night. Do as I say."

The word echoed through his mind. You said "our" followers. As in both of you, together. Ah, he really was meant to be your husband! And you knew it too! Clearly, otherwise you wouldn't have worded it like that. You were a very wise god, after all. You would never misspeak.

Or maybe you were just manipulating him, preying on his mad desire for you. He wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

As with all your commands, he did exactly as you said. He would never dare disobey you. They were confused, whispering and murmuring to each other. He was confused too, but that didn't matter. He did what you told him to! He was such a good follower.

Thunder roared above, the wind slowly picking up until it could nearly blow the frail man away. Lighting cracked up above, and rain began to pour. Some of the followers tried to love, not wanting to be stuck in this storm, only to be stopped by sudden cracks of lightning.

It was storming about as bad as it was the first night he "met" you. He kept his eyes on your altar, his hands clasped in front of his chest. Something was about to happen...

Then lightning struck it. Your one and only altar was...not destroyed? An imposing figure sat atop it, the storm dying down.

His jaw dropped as he fell to his knees. It had to be...those hands. This immaculate presence. The sheer fear that struck through his heart. Yes, this was most certainly his beloved god.

While everyone else had looks of shock and terror on their faces, his expression was one of pure bliss. His cheeks were red, a wide grin on his lips as drool dropped down his chin. Your perfection was beyond his wildest imagination.

"Footrest." Your powerful voice commanded, motioning for him to come closer with two fingers. He gladly crawled to you, on his hands and knees as you rested your feet on his back.

He just couldn't stop staring at you. He had to memorize every last detail in case he never sees it again. His absolutely perfect spouse...

"I ought to introduce myself properly. Yes, I am your god. Kneel before me!" Your voice boomed, becoming the only sound in the dense forest. Some of your followers kneeled more hesitantly than others. Those who hesitated...were quickly killed.

Your worshipper was in awe of your power and authority. The way you took those pieces of filth's lives with just a flick of your wrist was utterly divine. He's never seen something so beautiful.

"Those of you who do not dedicate your very being to me...are to die here tonight." You smirked as the people uproar. Did they truly think you were as benevolent as they'd been told? It was their own fault for trusting the delusional man beneath your feet.

It was a massacre. A bloody, brutal, unstoppable massacre. No one was spared. No one but him. They would now be your slaves in the afterlife thanks to their (lackluster) devotion to you in life.

He was absolutely enamoured. He's never seen so much blood. Such beautiful red, so many dead bodies...you most certainly were a good deserving of his complete worship and devotion. It was he that did not deserve your magnificence.

"Now, my devoted worshipper...join me. Plunge this world into utter despair and chaos with me."

"Yes, my god!" He would do anything you wanted! Anything...this world would know your name, and it would be all because of him.

Alright, that was a good one! Endings are hard- also, sorry if there's any errors. It was a long one this time! (Yay!)

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Tamaki, Shoji and Bakugo:

Domestic Life with Their Wives

Tamaki Amajiki x wife! Reader; Mezou Shoji x wife! Reader; Katsuki Bakugo x Wife! Reader

Warnings: pure fluff

A/N: This is a request from tendou anon!

Tamaki Amajiki

Most insecure husband award goes to 🏆

Seriously this man does not understand how he pulled a beauty like you

But he legit thanks the heavens above every single day he gets to be in your presence

You don't have to ask this man to help you with anything

Dishes ✔️

Laundry ✔️

If you have kids ✔️ ✔️

As a pro-hero he works alot of nights so he knows you shoulder alot of the responsibilities in the home

For instance, you've just given birth to your second baby and you're exhausted

Your two yesr old toddler is also teething which means that not only are your nights miserable but your days as well

You've been texting Tamaki all night because you are just exhausted

Man feels awful having to return to work so soon after the baby came but unfortunately crime doesn't wait for paternity leave 🥺

However, as his sift comes to an end at 5am, he will drive through your favorite coffee place, pick up your beverage and bring it home

He walks in to hear the TV on and you sound asleep with your newborn on your chest

Your toddler is happily watching cartoons while mom rests her eyes

First thing he does, takes a picture 📱

New wallpaper 🥰

You're toddler is so excited to see your husband

They scream and you jolt awake, full mom style

"IM AWAKE, IM AWAKE WHERES THE EMERGENCY?!?!"- You 😳

Your husband just laughs as he lifts your newborn from your chest and kiss you

"Go grab a shower baby, I bought you some coffee! Then I figured I'd make breakfast and we could eat then all take a nap"- he said

You 👉🏻😐😳🥺😫 marry me!!!!

Tamaki 👉🏻 we are already married by ight 🤨

Seriously 10/10 husband material 😘

Mezou Shoji

This man... THIS FREAKING MAN 😫

Literally such an angel I can't

He drinks women's respect juice on the daily and he's an all star husband

Having multiple appendages is so helpful around the house let me tell you 👏🏻

Mans is cooking and washing dishes at the same time

He's vacuuming and dusting

And let me just say, when your first baby comes... UGH

He's an all star dad!

It's the middle of the night and you've been struggling to get your little one to sleep for hours

You've gone into the living room because your husband works the next day

And you are an amazing wife 🥰

You are dead tired and you've all but worn a hole in the floor walking the baby back and forth

Your husband has been laying in bed awake for a while, he wants to help but he also knows you are capable

However after an hour he's done

Mans has been patent for too long

"Honey let me rock the baby, you go to sleep"- Shoji

"Love its OK! You have to work! And baby is almost asleep"- you, lying to yourself and everyone 🙄

Shoji doesn't listen to you, he just walks up, grabs the baby in one of his arms and stars rocking

Baby 👉🏻 instantly asleep 😴

You 👉🏻👁👄👁

Your husband 👉🏻🥰🥰🥰

Please YN that's all it takes sometimes

"Go to sleep babe, I got them"- Shoji, now sitting on the couch and cuddling your baby

You 👉🏻 running 🏃‍♂️ to bed

YN get all the sleep you can

Your emaculate husband has got your back 😍

Katsuki Bakugo

Oof- you pulled this YN 🥵

I'm so freaking jealous

Honestly tho, I'm sure you deal with enough of Bakugo's crap on the daily to sometimes think twice about your decision 🤣

He's a great husband but sometimes he's an actual child himself 🙄

For instance, you have a 3 year old son who looks and acts exactly like your husband

You and currently pregnant with your second baby and ready to go any day now

Your husband works his butt off but he always has time for you and your son 🥰

However, there is never a lack of entertainment in the Bakugo household

Oh no no no

"Daddy! Did you get any bad guys?"- your son yells

"Hey buddy! Not tonight, I was doing paperwork most of the day"- Bakugo says ruffling your sons hair

You are cooking supper and getting it ready when your son sayd the unthinkable

"Uncle Deku got some bad guys today"- your son

You 👉🏻😳😅 crap-

Bakugo 👉🏻😃 whet-

"Uncle Deku came to my school and told me about how he put a bad guy in jail this morning!"- Your son

"Well Uncle Deku can stick it-" Bakugo ready to lay down the law

"KATSUKI"- You, yelling at your husband

Your husband rn 👉🏻😠

You 👉🏻😐😑

Your husband sighs, coming up to you and giving you a kiss

"We need to transfer our kid to a different school. I don't want that nerd influencing him!"- Bakugo

"Katsuki really?"- You 🙄

Please YN, your husband had never been more serious in his entire life 😅

[lizzieislife94x]

PhotoShoot (e.o)

Lizzie x Fem Reader 

 GirlxGirl

 Y/ns POV:

Im suddenly woken by my phone ringing loudly I reach over and grab it looking at the screen with one eye open as I let out a groan why is my boss calling at 6:45am "hey Susan what's up is everything ok" I mumble half asleep "yeah just making sure your awake you have Elizabeth olsen for today's photoshoot" I open my eyes as I remember my client is Elizabeth olsen I've been looking forward to today for 3 months she's the most stunning human I've ever laid my eyes on "yeah I know Susan but the shoot is at 12 and your calling me at 6:45am I'll be there don't worry and also don't call back I'm going back to sleep ill text you when I'm awake" I say blatantly as I hang up, that might have sounded rude and some might be like why would you speak to your boss like that well she's also my bestfriend and has been for the last 12 years we met when we where 14 and have been best friends since. 

I yawn and stretch with a smile on my face as I sit up to start my day I quickly check the time and see its 10am plenty of time to shower ready before heading to the studio, I walk into the bathroom and turn on thes hower I quickly brush my teeth as I'm waiting for the water to heat up after a few mins I climb in and get washed head to toe and wash my hair once I'm done I head to my bedroom and grab my outfit for today tight ripped jeans white tee and a flannel, I quickly get dressed and head downstairs for a coffee and decide to text Susan to let her know i won't be late or she'll be freaking out 

Me: Hey I'm up and ready just having a coffee then I'm heading to the studio I'm sure I'll see you at some point today 😂 

The bitch: Thought I was gonna have to call josh in to cover for you asshole 😒 

Me: BITCH I swear to god you dare try and take the opportunity to photograph THE Elizabeth olsen away from me I will make it my mission to make you miserable day in day out 😈 

I giggle as I finish my coffee and slide my phone into my pocket I rinse my coffee mug and head to the car and start my drive to the studio the drive was fairly quick I arrive at 11:45 perfect timing as I walk into the office I feel my nerves pick up as I see the blonde standing talking to Susan I can tell right away it's Elizabeth I walk closer as I make eye contact with Susan and she smirks making Elizabeth turn "lizzie this is one of our best photographers y/n l/n and y/n this is Elizabeth " I smile and stretch out my hand "Elizabeth it's a pleasure to meet you I'm a huge fan" she smiles as her hand lingers in my "nice to meet you y/n I've heard great things" I can't help but get lost in her eyes as I freak out inside.

"Just a few more shots lizzie and we can take a break you're doing amazing, the camera loves you" I smirk as I get her to pose how I want after 10 minutes we take a break and I'm pretty sure lizzie has been flirting with me for the last 3 hours "so y/n what are you plans for the weekend, do you have a boyfriend " she asks casually as I chock on my water "men aren't really my thing but no I don't have anyone at home waiting for me" I sigh as she gets closer "that's a shame you're beautiful and anyone would be lucky to have you come home to them" I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out next thing I know her lips are pressed against mine in a rough kiss I instantly return the kiss as she deepens it once we break for air I'm still lost for words making her giggle "you're such a great kisser" I blush making her giggle more "no thats you" I say shyly as she climbs onto my lap and kisses me again I let my hands roam her body as they find a place on her ass I feel her moan into my mouth and smirk "should we do this isn't it a bit soon" I breath out as she looks into my eyes "definitely not to soon plus I plan on seeing you again y/n" I bite my lip and nod as we start to remove our clothes once we're fully naked I lay her down and start to kiss my way down her body letting my mouth wrap around her hard nipple earning a loud moan she roughly grips my hair as I run my hand down her body between her legs "someone's soaking such a naughty girl" I tease looking up at her "shut up don't tease me just do something about it" I lick my lips and nod as I run my fingers through her wet folds groaning at how wet she is "please y/n" she begs turning me on more a slip 2 digits into her dripping cunt earning a surprised gasp "so warm and tight" I say as I kiss her jaw thrusting my fingers nice and slow "you better hurry someone could walk in at any moment " making me realise we where in my work place I thrust my fingers faster as I kiss her making her moan into my mouth I curl my fingers as I hit her gspot with every thrust "I'm I'm gonna fuck y/n" before I know it she's cumming all over my fingers I slow my thrusts letting her ride out her orgasm "mhhh such a good girl" I smirk as I slide my fingers out and suck them never breaking eye contact "that was amazing" she pants as I lean down and place a kiss on her cheek, "get ready quickly incase someone comes in" I say with a giggle as we both get ready, we continue the rest of the shoot getting to know one and other before I know it the shoot is done "give me your phone" she says with a flirty smile I grab my phone and hand it to her "here put your number in mine" she says handing me her phone I quickly put my number in and hand the phone back as she hands mine back "I'll text you later and we can hang out soon" she says as she leans in to kiss me quickly I kiss her back as I bite her lip gently before we part ways, this is not how I pictured the shoot going but fuck I'm glad it did this woman has me under her thumb.

I spent the rest of the day walking around with a huge smile on my face and susan following me around like a puppy trying to figure out why ive been smiling so much its rather funny.

AN: i don't know what this is I know its not great but I needed to post something to keep the book up-to-date but this is terrible I will post a part 2 of this and make it so much better haha but if you have any requests please message me ill do them right away I've had no decent ideas to post so yall get this deal with it haha word count 1.3k 

[frecklystars]

I have no idea if I should come back online or not. I've been offline since. my god, what. fucking April? May?? My queue only has like 10 posts so I should refill that but tbh I don't see a point if I don't really feel anything. I am just a husk, I can't enjoy anything, I am just so numb all the fucking time. I have been doing so bad and nothing is helping and I am so fucking miserable when I can't self ship. I'm in pain all the time and I need my F/Os to help me get through the day but that's so hard when I look at them and watch the movies and feel absolutely nothing. I tried watching a bunch of ryan interviews/movies/shows for the last couple of weeks and there is just. nothing

September is my bday month and every year I try really hard to be extra gentle with myself. and I originally planned to stay offline for the entire month bc I just, I don't wanna fucking be here. I hate being on this hellsite. I hate feeling pressured to get back to so many people when my energy is so low. I don't find any joy scrolling through my dashboard. I don't find joy in making edits or drawing anymore. I don't enjoy my time on here anymore bc I cannot find joy in self shipping anymore. But I don't go a day without going into fight or flight mode, or having a nightmare or a flashback, or stress vomiting, there is always something, and my Ryan F/Os were really helping me get through it for at least a year, but now it's like... the last 4 months I've just felt nothing and I feel so utterly miserable

I can't afford a cptsd therapist anymore but I try to see my regular therapist once a month if I can afford it, and she said it's best for me to try to get back online at least once in a while, bc I'm just... rotting in my room and then going to work at both of my jobs and then coming home and missing my F/Os, unable to cope with triggers since I'm not able to self ship, and just rotting again. My sleep schedule is so fucked up bc of my nightmares/panic attacks I've had every night for nearly two years. I get zero to three hours of sleep every night for the last two years. I'm exhausted all the time and! it makes sense that I'm doing poorly bc your brain makes serotonin when you're sleeping! and if I'm literally never sleeping then ofc I'm not gonna have the stupid happy chemical in my stupid brain. and I'm not eating every day since I am trying so hard to save money, and skipping meals is obviously bad for your brain too, and I'm not socializing as regularly bc I'm so goddamn depressed. so my therapist said I should try to be online again even if it's just once a week, just to make F/O edits or something. fake it til you make it, try to build that habit again. but that feels so hard! I am so numb here! and I have so many bad memories associated with the abuse I've endured that I can't log into this hellsite without just feeling so fucking awful.

I am so tired of living in fight or flight mode and getting shaky from adrenaline rushes all the time and i'm so tired of not feeling like I can trust the people around me because of how much bullshit I've had to go through in the last two years of people purposefully being kind to me in order to betray my trust and manipulate me. I really wish I could publicly talk about what happened to me. I really wish I could publicly tell you all every single little thing that I have been put through in the last 2 years. I wish I could tell you who's doing it and I wish I could post everything... obviously not for witch hunt purposes, but just so people can know what's going on and idk help me, send me support, tell me "hey it's gonna be okay" literally anything, or at the very least just so I can warn you how fucked up a group of people are and say "hey don't interact with these people I've had to actually call the police on them bc they're Fucking Insane". but I refuse to talk about my situation publicly because it won't do anything but cause drama, it will make things worse in the long run, so I stay in my own lane, I just fucking sit here, I never talk bad about anybody anywhere even in private, I never name drop, I am just trying so hard to exist and stay in my corner.

I've been so paranoid for 4 months now bc of all of the stalking I've been put thru in the last two years. I don't trust people, and it bled into self shipping so I feel like I can't trust my F/Os. I know F/Os aren't real yeah yeah I know they're fictional, but idk how else to explain it. Think of the worst possible thing someone can do to you. anything you can think of; I have been thru it. online abuse and offline abuse. my F/Os got tied into that. I was conditioned to believe that these things that were happening to me would be my F/O's desires as well. that they'd want to abuse me the same way because they love me. that I am their "most special person" and that they'd feel an "urge to hurt me". especially if I was in a skirt. especially if I looked scared. blah blah blah all this shit I was told for months and months. endured in real time and then told my F/Os would want to do the same exact thing to me because they love me. that I am only loved through violence and manipulation. because of all of this I've been put through, I genuinely believe I am only capable of being loved if it's through violence whether this is IRL or with F/Os, and anyone who is being kind to me is secretly out to get me. this is such an awful way to live and I don't know how to stop thinking like this. I don't know how to shake it off. I'm so tired.

I want to stop having an immediate stress reaction, my brain spiking my blood with adrenaline saying "you're in danger!! you're gonna die!! you're gonna die!! you need to run!!" every time I see a stupid fictional robot, or certain clothes, or colors, or. whatever. I am so sick of it. It is exhausting dealing with so much stress and anxiety every single day!! every second that you're alive!! I cannot put into words how fucking terrible it feels!!! it isn't just a "eh this happens every once in a while if I just see my trigger" thing, it's a "I feel this every goddamn second that I am awake and even when I am asleep bc I'm having nightmares about it" !!! it's hard!! it sucks! it's hard!! I can't function if I don't have my F/Os and I don't have my F/Os anymore, not in the same way. I don't feel anything for my Ryan F/Os at all right now. Barbie doesn't make me feel safe anymore bc I don't feel anything when I look at her. I can't look at pink and think "ooh barbie pink" and try to get over that trigger. I just see pink and feel tense and like I wanna throw up. I don't see Barbie as a protector anymore bc I'm so numb. I don't see Barbie as a girl's girl who would look out for me, I see her as a potential abuser. I hate this. I miss her so bad. I miss feeling safe with F/Os. I am trying really hard to get that Ryan/Barbie hyperfixation train going again but I don't know how to do that when I am so miserable. I don't know where to start. am I supposed to fake it til I make it? draw and edit and listen to music and just try?? or do I just?? watch the movies? it's not working. but even if it's not working do I just keep doing it anyways? it's like there's a brick wall in front of me and anything throwing love/joy in my direction just hits the wall and I can't absorb it.

So anyway I'm sorry to rant. I've only slept 6 hours total in the last 7 days so my brain is like. suffocating. i'm probably almost done talking. being offline hasn't helped me feel better. I think isolating myself is, uh. not good. but I really don't have the energy for dms. I can try to answer maybe like... 3 asks a week if I push myself. I feel so bad that so so so so so many people reach out to me and I just don't answer. I don't do it on purpose I just genuinely have zero energy, or if someone sends a nice ask, in the back of my head I'm always thinking "nope this is a trap. I shouldn't engage with this" and like, what if it's not a trap? what if it's genuinely just someone trying to be nice to me? I don't trust it. i hate walking on eggshells. i hate that someone can send me "hi keri have a nice day :)" and my brain is like "ah this person is spending one whole entire year pretending to be my friend so they can betray me. they're secretly on the side of [abuser] so they can try to hurt me. don't trust!!!" like. hello. i hate that i've had experiences like that, so now any person who contacts me is automatically a "possible threat" ??? it is exhausting living like that. it's hurting me. i don't think this way on purpose! i am not trying to feed/fuel these thoughts. i have a literal stress disorder. this is part of the stupid complex post traumatic stress disorder. i am! stressed! to the point of this hurting me and i am unable to function! and! idk how to fix it. it's like someone planted poisonous seeds in my brain for 2 years that have sprouted into ugly huge trees and I can't cut them down. because the bark is too strong. or something. and now there's just poison in my head that I don't know how to get rid of.

ok sorry for rambling, I don't know if I am coming back online or not. I am supposed to! I should! I really should! but I really genuinely hate this hellsite after everything i've been put through. i never enjoy my time here anymore. but also my birthday is coming up and I deserve to enjoy my birthday. I want to enjoy it. I want to get better so bad, and if being online and making edits and drawing pictures is supposed to help with that then I will try. at least a little. I want to enjoy my birthday so bad dude. i hate my birthday, I have hated my birthday for years, but this year I am so... hurt, I feel like an open bleeding wound that cannot heal, and I want to be so gentle to myself this year. I want to eat apple pie at a diner and wear my drive scorpion jacket even if im numb the whole time. I want to go to the movies and bring my barbies with me even if im numb the whole time. I want to go rock climbing. I want to eat soft serve ice cream and not feel guilty. I want to learn how to watercolor paint even if i'm gonna suck at it at first. I have 3 F/O anniversaries coming up. K on the 1st, Driver on the 18th, Lars on the 26th. I should enjoy these days. I am not looking forward to any of it. I am just. numb. but I need to try. I cannot just sit here and tell myself it's hopeless. but then again I don't have energy to do anything other than that. but whatever, I will try even if it's just, like, one single day this month where I post art or answer one (1) ask. like literally anything I will push myself to do anything I want to get better SO bad

I'm gonna fill up my queue now, I'm sorry if it seemed messy the last month, I haven't checked it. I used to always organize my queue every day to post certain amounts on certain days, time it accordingly, make everything look all nice and pretty, but I haven't done that. I don't even know if ppl notice that kind of thing or not, I think it just makes me feel better personally when I know my blog is organized. I want to try to answer one or two inbox messages every once in a while. if I don't get to your asks or dms, I'm sorry, it is nothing personal I swear to god I literally am just a zombie right now barely alive and I am trying so hard to just. survive 😭

I love u. I'm sorry my tone in this whole thing comes off very bitter, I am genuinely just fighting to stay alive one day at a time for years and years and years and the cptsd made everything so unbearable and i feel like every single second im alive is such a struggle. I hate being so negative all the time I promise I am clawing my way out of hell to try to fix it even though it hurts the whole time. i want to get better not just for myself but also because i feel so bad that i make vent posts so often. i miss self shipping. im gonna stop here or im gonna spiral even worse. goodnight/goodbye ill touch base later

[edutainer2022]

So I got under the weather - fever, sore throat, snuffles, the works. But I am "busy" (tm) and, therefore, need to be "fine" (tm). So I'm indulgently reposting a little fluffy Tracy-fever piece I wrote out this summer. I may or may not be eyeing another fever-snippet in my notes. Depends on how "fine" (tm) I am. Please, enjoy!

PUPPY BASKET

A puppy basket. Jeff didn't recall who exactly coined the term - his wife or himself. Or maybe his mother. The point was - with three kids so close in age (and then two more down the line) the flues and colds, and stomach bugs tore through the bunch like a wildfire. There was not enough manpower in the household to keep up with sick boys quarantined in different rooms. So it was just easier and more expedient to stash the sniveling and coughing, and sniffling, and generally miserable puppy ball in the master bedroom. Lucy and himself took shifts sitting vigil, giving meds and fluids, kissing burning up brows. If he were planetside, of course. Later, when the boys' mother was gone, it would be, likely, Scott's room and the elder boys taking up watch hours, while he was busy with grief and work. The one time he came home from New York to find all five boys succumbed to a flu, pretty much delirious in his room, little Alan hoarse from crying - even Scott too weak from fever to call Grandma (and too anxious to call 911 lest child services got a wiff) was a memory he didn't dare revisit often.

He could distantly recall that a feverish Scott would be restless, Virgil would be cuddly, John would be clingy. Gordon would peel off any scrap of clothes on him. Someone would invariably end up upside down with feet propped on the pillow.

That morning got him investigating in Scott's room first thing. Gordon and Alan drew a short straw and were off for a supply run early on (a bright and whistling Gordon and a grumpy half-asleep Alan). Virgil was not expected down this side of 10 am, John was just back from orbit the night before. But Scott never made it to see the Tinies (did they even call the boys that anymore? Alan was starting college in a month!) off, have his run and a morning coffee-cum-strategy session with Dad - something that had become a new, cherished routine for them. The parent alarm in him, that never lay quite dormant even through the endless night of the Oort Cloud, was now blaring full force.

Fair enough, Jeff found his eldest room in an uncharacteristic disarray - a blanket kicked off all the way from the foot of the bed down to the floor, last day clothes scattered on the carpeting - something he came to recognize more as the youngest style, not Scott, who had tried to emulate Dad's military crisp order since he was five and learned to make his own bed. Scott was soon found by his father's increasingly concerned gaze in the middle of the bed, tangled sheets and disheveled curls a testament to a night of tossing and turning, breathing shallow and raspy. Jeff's immediate guess was a nightmare - heaven knows he was no stranger to warding off those, plaguing his boy's naturally light sleep. But a fine sheen of sweat, covering Scott's face and neck, belied a different answer altogether. Jeff wasn't surprised, when the brow he reached for to smooth away the soaked fringe, was burning. Scott wasn't asleep per se - eyes squeezed shut against a headache - but he definitely wasn't alert and present either. Jeff wasn't surprised, but he was getting increasingly panicked. His own mother gave him a semi-clean bill of health and was currently in Kansas, helping a friend out. The time difference made the call tricky. Not impossible, of course, there  was no inconvenience Grandma wouldn't go through for him or his boys, for which Jeff was eternally greatful, but all the more weary to disturb his getting increasingly fragile Ma more, than necessary. Kayo was visiting with her own father, so that was not an option as well. The problem was, with Grandma away, there was no medic on the island. Unless, of course... Jeff remembered Virgil determined and precise with a medscanner, and later - all business and in-trade jibberish with the medical staff at the rehab center he had to spend first months back on Earth at. Despite budding worry, as Scott keened quietly and shifted under his father's soothing touch, Jeff smiled fondly. Virgil was, arguably, the closest to his Grandpa in looks and demeanor, but it appeared he followed his Grandma's professional leanings. He should try and wake Virgil up. Scott was definitely under the weather.

As if on cue, the door opened and a gigantic burrito walked in. Jeff started. The burrito was, upon a closer inspection, a human, barefoot, wrapped up in a blanket head to toe. The walking burrito was also eliciting grunts and a lung-splitting cough. Ouch. The intruder ignored Jeff completely, sidestepped the bundle of clothes on the floor, and collapsed on the bed, next to Scott, wrapping the latter immediately in a cocoon of limbs and blanket, like a cuddle pillow. Scott is restless, Virgil is cuddly... Jeff was beginning to get a bad, bad feeling about it. A quick dive into the fluffy depths of fabric and hair confirmed his fear - Virgil had a fever too. That left...

"John!" - he had to spring from the edge of the bed with speed and agility that would make his physiotherapist proud in time to catch a swaying ginger son from planting face first on the floor. John appeared soundlessly, a ghostly vision, almost translucent where he would normally be pale. A sneeze almost send them both toppling again, but Jeff managed to maintain balance and helped John walk the short distance to the other side of the bed. There was no question how the ginger was going to spend his spiking fever - the moment he climbed onto the mattress, John attached himself to Scott side like a limpet, the way Jeff had only seen Alan do so far. When sick, Scott was restless, Virgil was cuddly, and John was clingy. Well, the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. Puppy basket is go!

Jeff was halfway through the mental checklist of things he would need to make the logistics of his three eldest sons down for the count work (fluids, medscanner and monitors to keep track of the fevers, ask Brains if the medkits were in the same spots now, call Ma as soon as the time difference would permit, coax, trick and blackmail the boys into cold meds and cough syrup, call Gordon and Alan to stay away for the day and to go fetch Grandma from the farm, make sure Brains was alright and quarantined in his lab and rooms, check himself up, because Jeff needed to be on top of his game for the sick boys - the day and the following night could be tough), when a loud shriek pierced the silence of the room. Scott was frowning and trying the disentangle himself from Virgil's death grip. Jeff reached for his agitated son's shoulder and rubbed a thumb over - in the haze of the fever Scott could get disoriented and start fighting any restraint. Jeff knew the boy would never forgive himself, if he hurt Virgil, even unintentionally. But Scott was not to be easily placated. His face contorted with effort and, likely, a worsened sinus pain, to Jeff's astonishment, the young man grabbed a barely protesting John, lifted him bodily over his own frame, like he was a... well... puppy, and stuffed him into Virgil's arms, that immediately closed the hug around a different brother, as Scott rolled to the side in a sleek stealth maneuver. He would have rolled all the way over the edge of the bed, had Dad's arms not stopped him. That must have computed to the cold addled brain as "safe", since Scott stopped struggling almost immediately and let out a snuffle in a voice Jeff hadn't heard since when the kids' mother was alive. "M'hot", Scott complained without opening his eyes. Jeff reckoned he should probably be more concerned about photosensitivity and the fact any of the boys was yet to notice or acknowledge him. Jeff made an attempt to hoist Scott up against the headrest, but thought better of it as another painful moan escaped. Instead, he sort of rolled the son back to the center of the bed, closer to the pile of other brothers. Scott seemed game for that and shifted to snuggle and spoon against John's back. That elicited a hum and a sneeze from the ginger. Virgil didn't stir. Puppy basket indeed.

Satisfied that Scott was settled for the moment and the other boys seemed to have fallen asleep, Jeff felt confident enough to go looking for the fever vigil supplies and an extra coffee for himself. But he didn't leave before leaning to reach the assorted temples and forheads for the mandatory kiss better and a soft stroke. So sue him, he missed a lot longer than eight years of being their Dad first.

A detour to the infirmary, a chat with Brains, a lot more strained one with Ma and an anxious one with the Tinies later - Jeff was on his way back to Scott's rooms. Gordon and Alan, of course, offered to come back and help with their ailing brothers immediately. But Jeff shuddered at the idea of having all five of the boys sick at once. He was good, but the tenure in space was taking its toll. The youngest boys would be well supervised under Grandma's watchful eye, till it was safe (or absolutely necessary- something Jeff tried not to dwell on) to return to the island.

The sight that greeted him upon return to the bedroom tugged the corners of his lips up despite himself. Seeing his sons sick or hurting in any way brought him no joy, but the picture was just too precious and hilarious at the same time. John had shifted upside down, somehow, so Virgil was now cuddling his brother's feet. John was also curled in an upside down ball, head resting on Scott's stomach. Scott, in an attempt to cool off, cast his long, long limbs every which way, including over Virgil's lap and head, in a comical replication of the Vitruvian Man. As Jeff stepped in, though, the eldest shifted again, to curl himself around John protectively and to draw Virgil into a side hug. Jeff needed to go ahead with the med scanners and to get the boys awake long enough to make sure they got a drink of electrolytes and some saltines, but first he paused to reach for his comm watch and snap a picture of the puppy basket. He would cherish the moment while it lasted. And he could always use it as blackmail backup against these three running themselves to the ground - under the threat of the photo being leaked to the Tinies.

[starlxghtss]

Okay, Idea: You know that scenario when a parent gets mad at their child so the kid plans to run away and leaves to live on their own, only to return back home after few hours.

Now imagine this with Peter & Yondu.

The Ravager captain once again scolds the little boy for messing up one of their raids, so Peter angrily runs to his room and throws his old backpack on his bed, stuffing his (few) belongings inside. Eventually, Yondu notices that he hasn't seen the boy for a while now and then Peter swaggers into the cockpit, catching few confused looks from the Centaurian.

"Hey, what'chu doin', boy?"

Peter doesn't even cast a look, stuffing some ration into his bag. Then he turns, smoldering his chest.

"I'm running away!"

Yondu stares at him for a second, wordlessly, and then throws back his head, a loud guffaw filling the room. Peter, in the meantime, just looks at the laughing captain and raises an eyebrow in confusion.

"Ohh, so that's how it's goin', huh?", Yondu mocks, "Go 'head, my boy, go 'head. Jus' ya run away. But I won't go lookin' for ya if ye get lost."

"I don't need you anyway! I don't need any of you!" The child said defiantly, crossing his arms.

The Ravager laughs once again, amusing himself about Peter's stubborn demeanor. He knows how soft and weak the boy is. The kid wouldn't even survive an hour out there.

"Ye really think so? Ye thinkin' a lil' humie like ya can wander 'round in space all by yerself? As soon as any of those guys see ya out there, they'll eat ya! Yer nothin' more than a snack to 'em!"

The boy screws up his face, replying to Yondu's taunts scornfully.

"You're the only ones here who wanna eat me!"

Peter picks up his bag, making his way to the entrance of the spaceship.

"If ye go through that door, ye'll never set a foot on 's ship 'gain, ye hear me, boy?", Yondu shouts after him but the boy already wants to leave, ignoring the captain's orders.

"I won't anyway!"

Peter walks through the forest nearby, just where the Ravagers' spaceship landed, and mumbles something under his breath.

"Stupid spaceship and stupid Ravagers... Pah, I don't need anyone of them! I can look after my self on my own!", The little Terran says to himself.

After all, he's almost 10 already. Practically an adult.

He doesn't need them. And he certainly doesn't need Yondu. This mean blue turd blossom, who always threatens to eat him. Peter will find a shelter, make a fire and care about food, easy as pie.

But as soon as the sun goes down and the boy still aimlessly strays through the thicket, with no shelter in sight, he begins to feel more and more uneasy. Soon, he gives up looking for a place to sleep and instead searches for some firewood.

But making a fire isn't that easy how he imagined and so the child sits all alone in the dark cold forest, freezing and shivering. And now that he ate all of his ration before, thinking he'll find something to eat out here, the boy begins to regret running away.

At the Eclector he had a warm bed, weird but acceptable food and he wasn't all alone in the dark without a source of light...

At least he had his walkman, right?

Peter zips up his bag, rummaging in it but falters, when he doesn't feel the device in it.

He couldn't have lost it, now could he?!

The boy starts panicking, searching for his walkman in vain but it had no use.

It was gone. And he feels so miserable. He is so cold, hungry and tired.

Just as he feels tears rising into his eyes, it hits him like a stroke. Peter runs as fast as he can back to the ship, hoping that it still stood there and then sees it in the distance in all relief. The boy comes to halt and his lungs are burning when he knocks on the metal hatch, yelling to let him in.

Suddenly, it slowly opens and Peter sees Yondu with a bright grin on his face as if the Centaurian would've known that he comes back.

"Lookie who's 'ere. Ya forgot what I told ya, boy?", The Ravager grins but Peter ignores his comment, knowing exactly where his recorder was.

"Give me back my walkman! Now!"

"Dunno what ya mean, kid", Yondu shrugs.

The boy peeks out and sees something light blue and orange sticking out of the Ravager's pocket.

"Give it back!", The child protests, his face turned crimson.

"Not before ye learned yer lesson. Ya wanted t' run away an' I told'chu there's no goin' back."

"No! Let me in! Please!"

But the hatch already closes and Peter is left there, standing in the cold and the hunger is still tormenting him.

Additionally, he hears some scary noises in the distant forest and the boy's heart drops in fear. Peter starts hammering his little fists against the hard metal, crying.

After a while, Yondu stands up from his seat and opens the hatch, only to find Peter pressed against the wall, shivering and teeth chattering from the cold, hopelessly buried in his way too thin leather jacket.

"P-please, let me in... I'm s-so cold and I'm hungry...", The poor child whines, teary green eyes meeting Yondu's.

The Centaurian leans down to him, putting on a mock pitying look on his face.

"Ohhh, that ain't my problem, ain't it?"

"P-please. I'm... I'm sorry", Peter mumbles.

"What was that?"

"I'm lost without you, I-I can't deal with it on my own", the boy confesses with an ashamed voice.

Yondu grins satisfied and Peter stands up, entering the spaceship with his head downcast.

Looks like the Terran brat's learned his lesson.

"Good boy. Guess ya ain't as stupid as ye look, boy", a blue hand roughly ruffles the child's hair and the hatch closes.

"Tullk!"

"Capt'n?"

"The boy 'ere 's hungry and cold. Take care of it an' make sure he doesn't do anythin' else stupid", Yondu shoves the boy to Tullk, who casts a surprised look at both of them.

"Aye, Capt'n."

Tullk lays a hand on Peter's shoulders, leading him to the ship's canteen.

"C'mon, Pete. Yer lucky, we've still got sum leftovers."

"Thanks, Tullk..."

With that, the Ravager takes off his own leather coat, throwing it over the shivering boy's shoulders and Yondu pretends he hasn't seen that, turns and makes his way to his private quarters.

He knows exactly that they like the boy more than they'd admit and if Yondu was honest to himself, even he couldn't imagine a life on board without the little Terran anymore. A thought, that makes the corners of his mouth twitch secretly.

[moonlatias]

May has been... so eventful. Too eventful...

Spent the first part of it on a 10-day trip to Japan. Incredible and truly made me happy. It was so nice to be "home" once again.

After coming back, I have been subject to work days that have literally been 10 hours. Lots of overtime, YES, but no free time. Just work, eat, sleep, repeat. (Thankfully they've decided to change our schedules starting next month to four 10-hour days, so at least I get three day weekends?)

Not long after getting back, my spouse got sick. And has been sick for nearly three weeks before I told them maybe they should go to the doctor. -.-

Then on Tuesday last week, my throat started hurting.

Ever since then, I've been in absolute agony.

I went to the doctor pretty quickly and got started on meds, but that doesn't fix this pain. My throat feels like there is a softball stuck in it. Every time I swallow (even if it's just saliva) it feels like I'm swallowing glass shards. My voice has disappeared, and I can only speak in a whisper that eventually starts to irritate my throat after too long. Every single breath I take threatens to send me into a coughing fit. Eating and drinking is incredibly hard to do, but I have to try, otherwise my antibiotics make me throw up on an empty stomach. I literally count down the hours until I can safely take pain medication again. They gave me liquid lidocaine, but when I took it, my throat felt like it swelled up and got tight for 20 minutes and I was terrified I was going to throw up and choke to death. (Allergic reaction? I don't know.) And it didn't take away my pain anyway.

I feel so miserable, and have literally been in bed for four days straight (other than going out to the doctor) being in pain. I'm probably going to call out again tomorrow, because I still can't talk and I can't even breathe without coughing and being in pain.

And I still haven't been able to tell everyone all about Japan. Sucks. x3

[fuck-customers]

I loved my job when I got it but three years later it's taken a rapid descent into me hating it.

There's nothing I enjoy about it anymore. The things that were nice about the job (time off as needed, I can listen to music all day, I work with animals and I love seeing them every day, decent pay raises) have either become not worth it, something my coworkers have made terrible, or something the joy has just been vacuumed out of.

One coworker listens to music, tiktoks, and musicals on her phone without earbuds and extremely loudly. It's just her and me in the room. I'm stuck in there for 4 hours on a mindless task and I'm beginning to lose it. I hear her bullshit even with two earbuds in. My coworkers don't treat me like a person. I'm left out of everything. They ignore me when I speak. They move my supplies and the one who MAKES the materials for my job just doesn't sometimes, sometimes for a full week or more, which costs me multiple hours of work. I've been here longer than anyone and I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I've barely interacted with them. I love the animals still but I don't enjoy interacting with them as much as I used to. I clock in and out and spend every day either numb or angry. I get home and I want to cry.

I spend my days off dreading the next shift and my heart rate has gone up. I get up before work and I want to die. I have no energy at all. It's work, come home and shower, force myself to eat since I don't have the appetite before work or the money to order food at work since it's in the middle of nowhere. I'm barely sleeping. I need to go to therapy but that's $200 a session and I don't have time anyway.

I don't have options. It's this place or nothing. I'm disabled, I won't pass a drug test because I use d8 (legally) for pain, and everything around here starts at $9/hr if I'm lucky.

I want to stay in bed tomorrow and no call no show until they forget who I am. But they won't, and I'm the only person trained to take care of the animals. No one else has this job. I was their first employee and I'm irreplaceable and they know it. I basically skipped Friday without any consequences because what are they supposed to do? It's me or find someone who'll take the job and spend half a year training them.

But I want to leave so badly and I can't. I won't let the animals suffer because of me. Even if I'd love to leave the people there frantic to replace me.

I'm trying to schedule a meeting with my boss to request consistent hours, a decent raise of at least a dollar, and some fucking peace and quiet so I don't have a mental breakdown at 10 in the morning. Oh, and maybe figure out why grown fucking adults are pretending I'm invisible. Maybe if that works it'll get better working there again.

If not.. I guess I'll just continue to be miserable until I wake up one day and just can't bring myself to get up at all.

[pbandjesse]

It's hard to admit this because I had been social war that I was going to be able to sleep over this year but I hate this. I hate it. I don't want to sleep here I don't want to be here. I want to do my job and go because besides CJ I have no friends here. I have co-workers who are nice to me but I do not have friends. I don't have anyone to hang out with. And I just feel very very alone and miserable. I'm not having a good time. I'm not particularly having a very good summer. And it sucks. So when I go home I'm actually able to have fun and do things and hang out with my husband and eat food that I like and take actual showers. And I promised CJ I would stay here tonight because I wanted to hang out with her and it is almost 9:00 p.m. and she's been busy basically since I was done at 3:30. And that's not her fault but I've been alone for 6 hours basically. And I'm just really unhappy. I like having a cabin so I can come and rest during the daytime. I like knowing that I have a spot where are my things are. But I don't want to feel like I'm forced to stay here and I just have to be honest about that because I'm almost in tears again I'm so unhappy. And at this point it feels like it's too late to go home because I would just be going home and going right to bed and that feels pointless too. Like yes I would get to see James for a few minutes but they go to bed by 10:00 so it doesn't even feel like it would fix any of the problems that I'm having tonight.

It wasn't even a bad day. The temperature was really nice. I did not like my outfit. I felt uncomfortable in my tank top. So I wore a hoodie for most of the day which was fine. I actually got some compliments on it. And I didn't sleep amazing which probably is adding to my stress in my brain. But I got up and James was there and I tried to be in a good mood even though it was hard.

We got ready to go and we went outside together. James helped me carry a few things and I had a nice drive into work. Me and James both arrived at work at the same time which I always love. And I got set up and I felt like things were okay. I would hang out my hammock for a while. I decided to go in one of the other hammocks for some change of scenery and I ended up feeling super comfortable so I think I'm going to be hanging out in the new hammock more often. You lay in it and it's a little flatter which is nice and a nice change of pace.

My group study were All excellent. We had lots of really cute bears and everybody got done and it just felt like we were having a really productive day. I am really running low on the medium and large bears so I would have one of my tipis girls later on the day organize them into size so tomorrow I'm hoping it's a little more quick and we can use up more stock so I don't have to cut anything else. And I enjoyed hanging out with the kids. It's still hard because I'm not really talking to any counselors. And I was just trying to have a good day.

Some of that good day was just not going to lunch. Just not going to the meal at all. And apparently the kitchen stuff has noticed. What dinner they were very surprised that I had shown up and they were like we didn't think we'd ever see you. You've been all over the place and I'm like yeah I know I've just been so busy and I've been going home. But for lunch today I would go to the office and eat the nachos that I brought. Actually only ate half of them so I could have them again tomorrow if I wanted to. The cheese sauce that I got was fine but I don't think I would buy this particular brand again.

I did not get to be a alone as long as I had hoped because Kenny and Louisa were in the office and Kenny had gotten hurt at the pool and had to go get a staple in the back of his head. He had been in the shallow end and a tile fell off the pool and hit him in the head? I don't really understand how that happened. But I gave them both a chip and they told me all about the injury and eventually I would head up to arts and crafts to just chill by myself there. I never made it to the cabin during lunch today I just decided I did not want to lay down and I didn't feel like I had enough time to anyway.

The afternoon was great. Day Camp was lovely. I did scare one of the counselors because their kids were not listening when it was time to clean up and I had to actually yell and I had never yelled in front of this counselor before and he fully jumped. He was like that was really scary. And I'm like yeah I don't yell so I save it up for when it is an actual needed situation. And your kids were not listening. And I'm glad that I can be listened to without yelling and I'm glad that when I have to pull it out it is taken seriously.

We had a good time though and everybody got to sew and I did remember to bring the cotton so we were able to refill the sacrificial sheep from yesterday and I showed some of the girls how you do a ladder stitch to close them up. And I was having a positive day. I was not miserable and I was chill and things were okay.

My kids doing awards would come to do more chores and I was like yeah that's fine fully expecting that their counselors will come back for them at 3:30 because that is when my last program ends. But they didn't. Stockade was there from 2:30 to 3:30 and we had a great time doing necklace stuff and then they were doing this game where they rate just random things from 1 to 10. Ginger ale is apparently at 2:00 for some of them and styles of art is a six. It was very strange to listen to a group of teenage boys for an hour. And the girls were just aghast at the level of conversation. They were like this is stupid why are you talking about this. And I'm like they're not hurting anybody. Let them live their lives.

But The girls would stay and they would work on their awards and their paintings and their projects and I was over in the hammock. Cuz I was basically only a little bit responsible for them but I still couldn't go anywhere. So I text their counselor. When are you coming for them. No response.

And then two girls from the SSC came to do their camp award project and I was like yeah that's chill you just got to work on it for at least a half hour so they started working on that and that would make them done around 4:30 which was perfect because CJ called me and told me that they should head to the barn at 4:30 for their project stuff. And I was like that's chill so then I was like okay tipis will get picked up at 4:30. Because Slim was coming to do a performance.

Nope that did not happen. I sent 7 text messages between CJ and the two counselors and no one was answering me. And I'm not going to walk all the way over to the council ring to see if the teepee counselors were there and I'm just like this is ridiculous and then I see one of the counselors walk across the field and I'm not going to chase them you need to come up and get your kids. And they weren't. Finally at 5:35 after taking the girls to the bathroom twice their counselor finally came back. And they were like come on let's go and didn't say anything to me. And then one of them would message me on Instagram and apologize but apparently the girls told them to come and get them after Slim and I'm like why would you trust them. Why would you not confirm with me. What if I would need to leave and also I had things I wanted to do I wanted to go take a shower I wanted to come down to the cabin but no instead I was just sitting with your kids for multiple hours and that sucks. That's not fair to me.

So I was not in a great mood. Once they were gone I would go to the lodge and I would tell Callie how I was feeling and she validated my concerns but she was really busy so I went and talked to the kitchen staff and that's when they were like oh my God where have you been. And we talked about my trip next week and how I won't be there and then I had pasta salad and potatoes for dinner. I sat outside and Aaron came out because his little brother was there with hognose snake that he just bought. Which I thought Heather said we were not allowed to have. So I'm pretty surprised about that. But it's cute. So I hope that he actually got permission because my understanding was that that was not allowed. But whatever not my circus not my monkeys.

I would go to the office next with Louisa. She had been sitting with me outside and she was like let's go work on stuff and I was like okay so we go over to the art building and we painted some of the wooden spoons for next week's project and I made a note for whoever ends up subbing for it and around 7:00 we went back down to the office because there was going to become ice tonight and if everything else sucked at least I would have that.

We had to wait for a while and during that time we were just kind of chilling and talking. Talk to alexie for a little bit talked to a couple people that came through and everyone's like you're here!? And I think it's funny because like usually I'm very involved but I just can't this year I just don't want to be here. It's not that I'm unhappy at camp. I usually love so many things about camp. But the Sears just been so hard. I just would like to feel like I'm not trapped. And I'm hoping after my vacation next week I can just have a good time the last few weeks of camp and not feel so sad. I really hope that I can pull that off because this is been tough.

Going to ice would have come now and I got sour berry something. Which was really good. But it did make my mouth blue which I don't like. But Louisa did share one of her special cups with me so that was cool and I would sit outside and watch all the other kids get their flavors and I got to hear about the mixes they make and everyone was having a good time. OB, the mini horse, got a haircut and they brought him down because he was going to be in the talent show tonight. And everyone kept asking me if I was going to the skip night/talent show because apparently someone is doing an impression of me. But I am just so absolutely not interested in doing that. I do not like skit night It always goes way too long. And the skits are fine but they should have a time limit. They are just entirely too long and no one ever talks about enough. And since I was here I have decided I should at least make the most of it and I went back to arts and crafts to continue to paint spoons.

I did that until the paint that I had mixed ran out and then I came over to our cabin. I washed my face and I put my pajamas on. I packed some stuff to take home and now the sun is going down. And the lightning bugs are coming out. And I'm going to go and lay in bed and charge my phone. Watch the rest of this true crime documentary and hopefully have a good night's sleep.

I'm really hoping tomorrow was just a really good and easy day. But all my groups are nice and the counselors are helpful and I can leave for a week knowing that everything will be okay when I come back. Because if I come back on this building and it is a disaster I'm going to be so sad.

Everybody have a great night tonight. Sleep well and take care of each other. Until next time.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

The great regular sleep experiment 2024 part "haunted"

So, I slept from 10:30 ish am to 2 ish pm... I laid there a while trying to sleep more before giving up and checking the clock and seeing 2:45, The length of time I was laying there felt like an hour or two, so I am assuming I slept till 2, probably, but hat might be generous.

In general I seem cursed to sleeping 6 hours per day or less.

The other really annoying thing is that the last time I was this sleep deprived and this stuck on a firm schedule, I was in my early 20's, working at a call center and living with the guy I refer to as my ex husband.

... Which means I keep having dreams that we're reconnecting and having conversations about maybe getting back together and I DO NOT care for it.

That was the one relationship I had were I was never harassed for sex when I didn't want it, and didn't have to deal with little tantrums or displays when I didn't feel like being affectionate or visiting, and don't get me wrong, he's -overall- genuinely a sweet guy.

But I always got the distinct sense that he didn't even like me as a person, and was just there so I would support him and he could avoid his abusive grandmother and uncle. I tried to talk to him about things and take him at his word, but he always seemed so depressed and shut down in a way that read as guilt or shame to me. He never seemed to enjoy talking to me, or spending time with me, and he certainly didn't want sex, at least with me, even by my standards which is to occasionally entertain it as a thing you can do with someone that feels good if you're both in the mood.

I always, once I stopped believing what he was telling me about how he felt, wrote him off as not meaning to take advantage of me, and as feeling really guilty about it, to the point of being paralyzed and kind of stuck, or not even conscious of it... Which is why I broke up with him even when that meant losing my home, which was a one bedroom apartment with 525$ inclusive rent [curses T~T]...

But the thing is, I keep becoming aware in the dreams, stuck as a part of my psyche that has been dormant a long time when I am awake, someone who doesn't remember everything that happened since high school and 'her' early 20s. I keep becoming aware of myself as I am now and starting to ask the uncomfortable questions that come up whenever I look back on everything from my perspective now.

I would have a very hard time -these days- watching someone lie daily about wanting to be in a relationship with me, only to act miserable, avoid me, criticize me constantly, shut down in most conversations with me, act so miserable around me but so happy around everyone else that all our mutual friends assume I must be doing something to upset him, and who just lets his family shit-talk me to my face about being 'lazy' without saying anything to defend the fact that I work 10 hour shifts to support him while he sits at home and plays games all day... I would have a hard time watching that and not seeing it as being done -to some significant degree- on purpose, or at least while consciously aware that's what he was doing. Maybe I'm just a suspicious person now, or maybe it's the experience of people talking.

And I cannot stress enough that I never "nagged" him. I didn't express anything unreasonable like a guilt trip. I was on eggshells trying to be careful how I brought up him video-gaming all day and doing nothing to clean up or pitch in while I worked a full time high stress job. I always put things as gently as possible, tried and failed to set boundaries, made occasional, calm and conversational requests that he at least keep the house clean or learn to cook, or at least go back to high school before he couldn't anymore, if he wasn't going to get a job. If he could tell I was upset and that he was unfairly burdening me when he didn't have to, or that it was destroying my health, those were his own observations and judgements. I was WAY too gentle with him. I felt bad asking him for anything at the time, too much so to try to demand he stand up to unfair accusations about me and actually tell people I was footing all the work/chores and financial burden of two people.

It wasn't until about 3 years in when I seemed ready to kick him out that he went back to school and made local friends.

And that's when I started to see it. I started to understand why our mutual friends thought I was "hen pecking" him or maybe being verbally abusive in private? He'd go back to his old cheery but shy self around other people. He'd bring a friend from school to visit once and they'd be nice to my face but avoid me forevermore. He'd hang out with me and my old girlfriend and even though they both regularly shamed me for things like speaking too loudly in public... They'd get distracted and caught up and start loudly play fighting around the food court in the mall. They were BOTH only afraid of attracting the attention of strangers when they were being seen with me.

If I had my life experiences as of now, back then, and having lived with fine and GB myself [who coincidentally were his two friends from school, even though GB tried to lie to me about it and "bunny" we'll call him, wouldn't dignify my messages with an answer to confirm... and I swear I couldn't have known it was them it was their other two roommates who interviewed me and got me in there]... As of today -if I had to take a shot in the dark- I'd say he was cheating on me with Fine at the time, or at least that part of her bitchy animosity towards me, despite claiming to want to be my friend, has to do with my ex-husband being her type entirely and him not -quite- cheating on me. Or maybe guilt and a sense of obligation to make nice because he did.

If he had've just answered my message and told me honestly what his relationship was like with these two, about 6 years ago, long after he was out of my life and theirs, or that GB was the guy who was a complete bitch to me the whole time out of jealousy over Bunny 'getting to date someone like [me]' [by his own admission, look I'm face-blind okay?]... He could have saved me so much fucking trouble. I would have known I couldn't trust Fine to be honest with me about anything from the start [and that she'd start taking attached men home to fuck all the time], and GB never would have raped me, and I never would have been in the position I was in when the plague hit or when we got evicted.

But any time I had asked ANY of them about what was going on back then, they all just clam up and get avoidant or lie [tic tacs too if she ever knew him, which seems likely because she's been friends with the other two since gradeschool, absolutely would not admit to knowing anything about the situation even while cozy-ing up to me], so I am probably never going to get answers about any of it.

Unless my ex has the decency to fucking answer me and be honest about it all. That's the only way I get closure on just how badly the other three lied to and manipulated me. Or any of them. IG if any of the 4 come forward I have my answers about the other 3.

...So in the dream I do what I would do now, once I become aware as one of my current selves, or a sum of them, I ask him shit like whether he was cheating one me, ect...

And in the dreams he says 'no' but I can tell he's lying, at least in the dreams, I can parse what part of his responses are genuine and which ones are an act to cover some deep shame or guilt. And all in all it seems a little more clear that he was more conscious of what he was doing than I had ever given him credit for. Maybe that's my being cynical now.

But these are just dreams, they are never going to be a reliable account and they are never going to give me real closure.

So in effect, every other night or so I am just wasting about 3 hours of sleep talking to someone I don't even want to be talking to, trying to get answers that will never mean anything. I don't want to be doing that.

I want to be building a consistent dream relationship with someone I LIKE and can TRUST

The other half of the time I dream about being friends with youtubers because their faces and voice are the only ones familiar to me and -at least physiologically- I am desperately lonely. My nervous system knows I need human contact and is trying to invent it for me. Which is leading to the other most socially awkward dreams I could possibly have. I need to feed my brain what Piccolo dbz would look and sound like irl, and not animated, so my brain can attach to him, or my imaginary girlfriend instead. The youtubers thing is very para-social, it's always someone new, so no weird fixations, but I'm not sure it's healthy compared to alternatives... Better than my exs and ex friends though fr.

I have finally regressed through most of my shitty ex's to finally be unpacking the fact that I want to demand fucking answers from my ex husband... Which I ALREADY KNEW... I didn't fucking need my dreams to tell me that! I have messaged him at least twice begging him to just tell me who's lying to me... Which I hope means I'll never dream about the others again. But I still do not care for it and I want it to stop. That was shoved in a box because there's nothing I can reasonable DO about it. The ball is NOT in my court.

Send THEM dreams compelling them to be honest with ME ffs... [please]

Maybe if I reach out to him for answers I could make the dreams go away, but the last time I sent him a message asking for some clarification, he just never answered me.

These people have been haunting my life since my first apartment and I want them excised. I want closure on how full of bullshit they all were so I can improve my ability to read people socially -with feedback- in a way that seems essential to keeping myself safe from ending up in the same shitty situations on repeat... So I can get my unconscious mind to let got of that mystery and let me fucking sleep.

I also want fucking closure from my family and am -also- not getting that. I want closure from my ex girlfriend and I am not getting that.

I only ever wanted honesty so I could make my own informed choices.

So I would rather it not drag up dead versions of me and make me relive these times every night when I am trying to sleep more than 3 hours.

... Also had a dream with a haunted doll, unrelated, that had to do with men showing up in my living space and a woman forcing me to justify why I should keep getting to live there... Can't say I cared for that either... The haunted doll was good though, she was helping me prevent children committing suicide, so... The literal hunted doll was not the problem... Best part of the dreams really, other than being friends with Sabrina and Abigail of youtube [we were discussing their recent unemployment???].

Anyway, my point being, by putting myself back into the same sleep deprived state of my 20's I have ended up slamming part of my brain back into those memories, only instead of getting that part of my psyche back, she's still dead, and now I am haunted by endless social betrayal when I am trying to fuggen sleep.

And I don't know how to fix it.

Because at this point I can't sleep outside the sleep times if I try, no matter how sore and exhausted, and no matter how much I desperately need more than 6 hours.

I could never had predicted this experiment would go this badly. I had though that -at worst- I just wouldn't be able to stay awake to maintain the schedule.

I never should have started this.

I knew this was bad road.

I just didn't know how bad.

If I could sleep an extra 2-4 hours daily and not dream about people who aren't in my life anymore for a fucking reason... This would be fine. Successful even.

The problem is that regular sleep for me is this double edged blade.

I also think I forgot to mention trying to find a phosphorus supplement at walloworld, but they didn't seem to have any and I am still pretty sure coke is cheaper and that one can of coke on most days can't possibly have enough phosphorus in it to overdose.

Unfortunately, the atp theory panning out, in practice [still unconfirmed with blood work or anything but getting results??], for me means only that I am unusually productive for someone this sleep deprived and that is NOT A GOOD THING, I fear, because I keep injuring myself.

It's a lot like being VERY drunk but having so much more energy than I should for someone this sore, uncoordinated, and drunk... Not a great combo. Bad road.

At least my dishes are done and I keep feeding myself?

The cuts bruises, pulled muscles, and missing skin sure hurt a lot though...

[hundredsspoons]

Personal vent post//

I'm just so frustrated rn because it's a constant battle with my body to stay awake and do literally anything productive. Like today, I woke up at 8am ish, went back to sleep around 9am, woke up again at around 11am, went back to sleep around 3pm, woke up at 5pm and now I'm desperately trying to hang on until at least 10 before going to sleep for the night. So I slept about 12 hours.

I'm autistic and have food sensory problems, so I have problems getting nutrition. I'm anemic because of it, and that's presumably why I'm always so tired. Problem is that no nutritionist has given me advice for someone with a disgust for most foods, and the nearest program for ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) is like 100 miles away. Every time I try to talk to a doctor about it, it just leads nowhere. I tried iron supplements and iron infusions, but I had a minor allergic reaction to the infusion and freaked out like an idiot baby. So I haven't tried again.

My mental health reached a new low a few months back when I was particularly stressed about finishing my masters program. Was genuinely suicidal in a way I haven't been in a long time. Had to go home early and am doing the rest of my thesis from home. Had to take another extension. No job. Missed the application deadlines for phd programs for next year. Living like a parasite off my mother at 28.

Got a therapist, but every session feels like I'm trying to convince him that I'm not just lazy, that there's something wrong and it isn't something I can fix so easily. He keeps pushing exercise, and I know that he's probably right about it, I do know that, but I just came off a medication that was making me pass out in public places, plus I still pass out if I exercise and haven't eaten enough, and it makes me nervous about exercise. He like doesn't believe that I pass out. Or like he tells me to brush it off. Like he recommended going to a gym, and I said I don't want to pass out at a gym, and he said gyms are safe places to pass out?? And that an ambulance will be called?? Like those are expensive. And it's embarrassing to pass out at a gym. Part of me thinks I need some tough love. I know I get mopey. I know I'm stuck feeling miserable about myself and that nothing will get better if I don't change. So I'm not sure if he's just saying stuff I don't WANT to hear, you know? But like, the first meeting with him he asked if I could see a future off of prozac. And like?? I was just contemplating killing myself, is now the time to be focused on that?? Am I insane??

I'm racking up quite the count of illnesses that, of course, have no tests to prove their existence. I go through blood tests etc. and in the end the doctor just diagnoses me with the illness you have if you don't have the other illnesses. POTS, IBS, ARFID, a hormonal response to birth control, autism, depression, anxiety. No one takes any of these things seriously, because even the doctors don't take it seriously when they diagnose them. They just want you out of their office. I know my therapist thinks I'm a hypochondriac inventing problems when there are none. Well, I am a hypochondriac. I won't deny it. I have serious medical anxiety. But is it so wrong to want an answer, a real definitive answer, to why you're like this? My therapist keeps telling me ways to create energy like exercise and cold showers. But I guess the problem is that I wish it weren't so hard. I wish my brain and my body worked right. I wish I could stay awake and not feel like death walking for a full day. I'm so mad about it, I don't feel like working productively towards a solution. Everyone thinks I'm a deadbeat and a failure, and I just. don't. know. if they're right or not?? Am I just lazy? Sleeping 12 hours isn't Normal. I spend like maybe an hour or two a day doing things I like. It's not like I'm having a grand ol' time?? It's not fun. But maybe I'm just so lazy that sleep is my favorite thing to do? I do love to sleep. Am I just supposed to live like this forever? Am I supposed to just accept that, if I want to accomplish anything, I'm going to have to feel like complete trash doing it?? This stinks. It stinks!!!

[kart0]

meds update plus rant: day 10

I knooow, I knowww no one cares and this is a blog just for me but I'm sorry I skipped day 7 ! I got so overwhelmed and cried a lot and I just forgot to do it, I was rlly tired

anyways, honestly I can't remember at all what happened...

I did have a pretty bad mental breakdown, because I had to do a writing for uni and it took me 6 hours to finally do it. I was sitting in my desk my notebook opened in front of me and my iPad with the article opened and I just. I just couldn't. and it's hard to explain when someone asks "well what have you been doing in these 6 hours you were procrastinating ?" because. I literally did not do anything. I was definitely stressed and paranoid tho. I kept opening twitter and closing it bc I had one thing in mind and it was "do the writing. do the writing." and it kept going on repeat and... sigh... if I at least used these hours to relax or have fun, just, no, I didn't and I didn't do anything. I don't know why, it is always so frustrating. but I was able to eventually and it took me only 20 minutes to do so.

everything was going alright. I submitted my writing ( at 3am ), then went to uni, took 2 exams which were in pairs so it went fairly well. I was really, really happy with myself cuz even tho it took me 6 hours to do it I actually did everything I had to do.

and then I had another writing to do. and it started well ! for 2 minutes

and then I procrastinated for 7 hours. at 11pm I was already sobbing because I was so frustrated with myself. it's so easy ! just do it ! just start it ! you have to do it then just do it it's that fucking obvious ! and at 1am my dad entered my room ( originally to scold me for being awake at that hour ) and he saw my red nose and puffy eyes and asked me why I was crying, and I said because I had to do this project. and he then said "do it then" and left the room and I started crying again. I really hate myself. and then, at 3am I realised i wouldn't be able to do this work, and also I had to study for the exam I'd have on that day. so I went to sleep. and I felt so incredibly defeated. I lost. I always lose in the end, no matter how much I'm working hard, or how good things are going, bc the previous day I had managed to do it, and then it all fell apart.

of course i struggled with the exam and I failed my test. and when I got back home I just laid in bed and I felt really...weird. like. definitely bad but I felt really. idk, but it was bad. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't cry, I wasn't able to focus on social media at least to distract myself, I couldn't sleep. I also had not eaten anything basically all day which definitely did not help at all and I think in fact it made things worse

but then now is day 10. and I am done with my exams. I went to a bday party ( that was on a bar ) and I had a bloody Mary for the first time. it was good. caught up with some old friends. I'm really proud of myself for staying alive, taking my meds and not forgetting a single day, even if I might not be able to take every time at the same hour oof. but I feel proud I think.

I definitely need to checkout on a adhd/add specialist, my current therapist is more focused on depression and grieving haha. there are some days like today that I really feel hopeful for my future. and I feel like I really want to improve. but it's rather rare, most of the time I want to die and feel like I'm condemned to live miserably forever

as for side effects, I don't remember if I said it but sometimes my hands shake pretty bad and my body feels weird and hot and I can't focus, but it usually lasts 10 minutes and then I'm alright. this only happened 3 times that I remember. I also lost basically all my appetite which... is definitely bad because uhm I have an eating disorder and body image issues so I'm like, torn. I'm happy that I'm not eating but I don't like that I'm celebrating this thoughts I don't want them to win yet at the same time I'm thinking how much weight I'm going to lose and unfortunately it excites me. I'm trying to eat properly. I also became really tired on the last two days, like really really tired and sleepy all day but when I go to sleep I suddenly get anxious and it'll take me longer to sleep. for now I think that's all.

I hope things get better for me. this update was long, and I apologize. I will try to keep up with the schedule I made. goodnight :•]

[justsokaela]

Sometimes the only time I truly feel safe and 100% comfortable talking to my parents is when we're watching tv together

I am just constantly on edge around them, worried about when I'm going to fuck up. I like my routine and feel good lately and not-stressed despite living at home with my parents at age 33 because I'm too busy to interact with them much and I wake up early and go to bed early, typically. But the way that my stepmom expresses her stress and anger about everything else going on- what my 18 and 21 year old siblings are doing (or doing wrong, not doing, or somehow offending her) makes me still feel self conscious about MYSELF.

Like if she freaks out about my sister who is a complete slob by the way for hoarding dishes in her room - when I am seen while bringing my one single dish and cup that I used that day back upstairs to wash or put in the dishwasher I get met with the eyes of judgment and frustration - as if I am just like my sister, leaving dishes to stack up for days and making a smell and also making it harder to clean them later? I don't fucking do that, and I haven't done anything like that honestly ever, because when I was a teenager, I wouldn't have so easily gotten away with that. I wasn't even allowed to have any dishes in my room except for water cups or bottled drinks, now that i think about it. And I was never that obsessed with drinking sodas and shit to begin with.

When I buy something, with MY own money, earned at either my fulltime professional job or one of my side gigs, and it's not saving or something I necessarily "need" I get judged for it. I'm not irresponsible with my money. I just want to enjoy life while I can because with the rate of inflation and wage increases not happening and how I'm literally not good enough or educated enough or skilled enough or more importantly experienced enough to do any kind of job that actually makes enough to live off of - and be something I'd be good at and somewhat enjoy (because what's the point of earning enough to cover basic living needs if you're miserable and have no life in the process). So today, I'm rushing to work, I'm late - I'm already upset because I typically wake up at 3 to go to the gym, workout, do some personal things and then get ready for work - no rush, never late, already productive. Because I was anxious around my mom last night, I decided to stay up later and help out after dinner and I cleaned the whole kitchen to placate her after letting out a visceral scream about my sister hoarding dishes again and leaving the upstairs bathroom a total mess, and her noted sarcastic jabs at my dad trying to "nicely" tell him that he needs to get off his phone and help out and do the taxes and put away the thawing meat she asked him to do hours before and just fucking pay attention to the stove while she's running around back and forth while she's trying to make us dinner.

So I did the dishes from dinner and cooking, and extra cleaned all the counter tops and organized things and put things away and packed up the leftovers. And then I get to bed at like 10, so of course I'm not well rested enough for a 3am gym session. But then I forgot to set a backup alarm for "sleeping in" times and end up waking up at 6:40 and desperately needing a shower, because I was too lazy to do it yesterday. My room is a complete mess, I need to sort through all my clothes and put things away, I had no outfit set up for today and had to dig around just to find a bralet, Zero pooped on the floor while I was in the shower even though I had JUST let him outside, I feel fat in everything and hate how even today, right now, in this moment, I'm feeling shitty about myself because of stupid patriarchal societal beauty standards and I look like shit and my hair is too wet to blow dry and I don't have enough time to air dry it. Then, when I'm rushing to get to work, I can't find my fucking car keys. I had them last night, and now I can't find them. My mom reminds me that she sent me back out to roll up my windows because we were anticipating some rain. Maybe I left my keys in the car? Sure enough, I fucking did. Thankfully I didn't lock myself out of the car again, but no, instead, this time, I LEFT THEM IN THE IGNITION.

someone could have just easily taken my car and driven away, because I'm so stupid and careless! And then, because I left them in the ignition, turned just enough to activate the battery so I can roll up the windows, by fucking car battery was dead and needed a jumpstart.

I asked my dad to help, since I don't know how to jumpstart a car nor do I have a jumpstart kit or know where he keeps his anyways, and he takes his sweet time getting dressed and coming outside.

I'm feeling like a complete idiot and I hate myself for creating this situation. I feel stupid because I don't even have my own battery jumpstart kit that I SHOULD know how to use. I'm late to work, and I'm trying to mentally figure out how to word the email - and thanks to my anxiety about all my previous jobs being total asshats to me about situations like this - I was panicking that my being late today would equal myself getting fired.

Then my dad does the thing and he talks to me about it like I'm supposed to understand what he's saying. I don't know shit about cars, I have zero interest in them, and all of it confuses the fuck out of me whenever I try to learn anything because books and the internet are all full of overwhelming perspectives and information and I'm already stressed out about how that happens with EVERYTHING ELSE that I need and actually want to learn more about. Then he's trying to talk to me, so i roll down the window while i let the engine run a bit. he's like i was just gonna open the door, you shouldn't roll it down. I don't understand why, and in my mind i'm like, why would I do that when I can just talk to you through the window? I need to go to work and don't want to open my door. He just goes "nevermind. Have you checked your oil lately?"

first of all, how is that relevant to what's going on right now? Do I need to check my oil now, did you see something when you had the hood open? I just had the oil changed and all the other fluids flushed and changed out in the past month, I'm not due for another oil change for at least 10,000 miles. He's like "that's not the point, have you checked your oil recently? you're supposed to check it frequently when you get gas." okay but I JUST had it changed. It should be full. It shouldn't be contaminated. What is the point of asking me this, I NEED TO GO TO WORK I'M ALREADY HALF AN HOUR LATE.

"you need to know the rate that your car is burning oil."

"NOW?" "well you're car is leaking oil." "WHAT WELL WHY DIDNT YOU JUST LEAD WITH THAT I GOTTA GET THAT FIXED." 'You can't afford to fix it right now."

"well if it's leaking that's a big problem, i don't think i really have a choice. but if its leaking I'm concerned that my mechanics didn't say anything when I literally saw them LAST WEEK. and he's like "well it's normal, it's not leaking that much. but you should check your oil every time you get gas."

no explanation as to why that time is the necessary time. also, I've NEVER seen him nor anyone else checking their oil while filling their tank up at the wawa or whatever. So hypocrite much? You criticize me for not knowing how to check my oil, for not checking it every day or fucking whatever because I trust my mechanics enough to expect that they have filled it with clean oil very recently, all completely irrelevant to me needing to jumpstart my car, which I'm already feeling stressed out, frustrated, and self-loathing and STUPID to begin with. I couldn't even thank him for helping me because he just stormed off, annoyed at ME for being defensive because I COULDN"T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT HIS POINT WAS AND I WAS ALREADY IN DISTRESS.

I'm tired of being met constantly with criticism from my parents.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3390

today was alright. the half days at work feel longer than the full days do.

my heels still hurt. why do i always underestimate how long it takes to feel better.

today not a lot happened, which was good, but at the end of the day an email about a data breach came into the inbox.

now. i'm not a cybersecurity person. neither is meredith. we are the wrong two people to answer these emails. except i'm a fast typer, so that's a good thing, and i can find things on the internet that are very difficult to find, which is also a good thing.

speaking of which, it's fun to have a reputation.

so at the end of the shift i passed on the info we had and said good luck to evan and left.

on my way to my car, i ended up being asked directions by a woman who was looking for the daycare that we have in one of the buildings. i told her how to get to the building and that security would help her get to the daycare. when we parted ways again, i texted my coworker in the office to ask him to let bio 8 know someone was on her way, and i told him several details of what she was wearing to know it was the right person. i can only imagine what the supervisor said to her when she got there: "so i heard you're looking for the daycare." because that's something he would say. the poor woman would probably be so confused. it's not like it's advertised who i am or where i work. i was just a normal-ass person who looked amicable enough to ask for directions. little did she know that i was uniquely qualified to assist her in her quest.

is this what random encounters feel like in d&d? was i the NPC??? i think i was. i'm happy to be the NPC.

anyway.

the traffic today was miserable. this morning on route 3 just south of 495, a tanker truck was hit by a pickup and ended up swerving and falling over, splitting open and spilling thousands of gallons of gasoline onto the highway.

the road was damaged and the state police didn't know when the road was anticipated to be open again. closures were estimated to continue into tomorrow.

it was reported just before 10am. i checked google maps at 10:38 to check how long it would take me to get to work. it said about 50 minutes, but it told me to take 495, so i was prepared to go that direction. signs along the highway in mass said route 3 was closed after exit 79, so i was happy that my predetermined route already was taken into account. so i am happy to report that the accident did nothing to affect my trip to work, except i took a different belt. oh no. what horror.

the ride home was miserable, though. with more than twice the traffic we usually had, it took me an hour and twenty minutes to get home. we usually start picking up speed after 95 heading north, which is exit 28. we didn't pick up speed until exit 42, which is after 495. it was miserable. AND i was hypersensitive to the lights around me??? for some reason it just. it was a bad time, regardless of where the light was coming from.

but also i hate LED headlights. cars should not have LED lights. i can't fucking see with them shining in my mirrors. it doesn't help that the normal beams look like high beams. like shut off your brights. i don't give a fuck. turn them off.

i struggled all the way home.

it's late now, though, so it's time for joel cuddles and sleep. i'm happy i have my joel again.

he's cold. i'm happy.

[interdimensionalrealitymachine]

entry 24 10-22-22

thursday night into friday: due to reasons outside my control, i got to bed extremely late and knew i wasn't gonna get a lot of sleep, so i didn't take med for nightmares, which in hindsight was a poor decision bc i probably would've at least fallen asleep faster if i did take it. slept like two hours at most, didn't dream but just slept v poorly until right before my alarm

friday: had a therapy appt where i talked a lot about my dad; this week mom showed me a pic of him she'd found online where he was with a woman and it had thrown off my whole mood. not so much bc he was with someone (since mom and i had already figured he had a secret girlfriend he didn't want us to know about), but bc it was the first time i'd seen his face in over a year. spent most of the rest of the day out with mom, by the time we got home and settled in i was exhausted and passed out dreamlessly on the couch for a few hours

friday into saturday: actually took pill before going to bed, but it didn't help

dreamed i had flown down to visit dad and the entire time i was trying to talk to him he kept taking phone calls. i could never hear who was on the other end but could tell they were friends and not work calls. every time he hung up i'd ask who it was and he wouldn't give me an answer. i started trying to ask about if he was dating anyone and he denied it, until i mentioned the pic mom showed me and he finally admitted it was "one in a series of girlfriends" or something. i think i tried to ask if that was why he wouldn't come back home but don't remember getting an answer

not sure if it was the same dream but i think he was also like, still going to meetings and keeping up appearances of being a jw while dating multiple worldly women and i was like "why are you doing this. you can just stop going to meetings. no one knows you here, none of your family lives here, just leave and get it over with"

woke up briefly in the early afternoon, realized i'd forgotten to take my antidepressant on friday and knew if i didn't take my next dose right then i was going to feel miserable later bc of it, but fell asleep again before i could force myself to sit up and take it

dreamed my parents had gotten married again and moved into a big house that had just been remodeled (but i apparently lived elsewhere?), and i was upstairs talking to mom while dad worked on something in another room downstairs. she said he recently had tried to strangle or smother her in her sleep, and when she'd told one of her sisters (D) about it, D had come over and tried to kill *him*

there was a short interlude where i was in the kitchen trying to make salad: i'd break up the lettuce and put it in a bowl and start rinsing it with water, then look away for a second, and when i'd looked back the water would be that dark chlorophyll green, almost black, and the lettuce would have shriveled up and mostly dissolved. this happened like two or three times

suddenly i'm back upstairs with mom and we smell gas and hear a faint clicking sound like a lighter, and we bolt thru the house screaming for dad bc he's about to blow the house up. we find him in a room claiming to be working on something unrelated but i don't believe him and don't trust him to be around mom alone. he says that he and i could go spend the weekend at his place instead and i agree to that, but wake up before i can question the fact that he has a second place apart from where he's supposed to be living with mom lmao

it was at least 6 or 7pm by the time i woke up and took my antidepressant. i slept so tensed up that my muscles are still aching now. as predicted, my head feels awful bc of the missed meds, and after i'd eaten i took some painkillers and curled up on the couch to wait it out. it's finally getting better now, but i feel so worn out and run down that i'm really hoping this isn't the beginnings of me getting the flu or something