#id break down crying
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pressure
#persona 5#persona 5 fanart#persona#persona fanart#akira kurusu#ren amamiya#p5 joker#its pressuring isnt it#me personally if i had to juggle being a normal honest student on probation while experiencing otherworldly things i think id break down#this was really self indulgent#i like to think this happened once#pressure is just an ass to deal with#(projecting)#hes crying if you look close enough#i fucked up the tears thats why..
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i look at you and my eyes are so so so wet like with tears tears of pure emotion and extend out my closed fist and then I open up my hand and you see her. my troll oc. the greatest oc. from 2013. I brought her back and redesigned her and im insane about her again. i begin sobbing on the ground. she’s so small. itty bitty……….
#this is melosa she is everything to me#weeping crying sobbing oh my god look at her awwwww AWWWUGHHH WEEHEHHH#sorry for not answering asks I was drawing this and buying some little bug guys who really rule.#id like to answer them soon im just a little burnt out#yeah she has an ankle monitor and hidden shock collar… little guy gets into a lot of trouble.#she’s the first jadeblooded cicada on her colony so they haven’t culled her for her antics.#the cicadas are essential to communicating with the mother grub#however by sabotage/accident she was given to a lusus for a more normal jadeblood and the nest parasite process went wrong#leading to her being rejected by her lusus : ( <im sooo edgy.#she spent a good deal of her time as a pretty young wriggler wandering around stealing from other trolls in the complex. the youngest troll#are raised in the interior layer of the planet.#she’s always been a rambler. she’s in the WALLS. she managed to break into somewhere super secret she wasn’t supposed to which got#The tracking device stuck on her. if she gets into areas she’s not supposed to be the collar might shock her.#she’s pretty miffed about the whole thing!! it doesn’t help with her exsisting issues with aggression#she likes making people mad and making people fight. just an angry wrath filled little guy#she wears the collars on her horns to stop anyone from trying to calm her down#bugstuck#buggy trolls#homestuck#homestuck oc#fantroll
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Amazing, take some of the side character demons from Evil Bound.
Vincie is a menace to Chuck and Chuck alone so in Hell, Chuck hexes his hand behind his back so that he isn't grabbed as much (and it's harder to pet him). Chuck is like the most irresponsible older sibling ever to demons though so Kelvin recruits him (as an older sibling vibe) to go help him get his ACTUAL older sibling from Earth. Chuck agrees. And then drags Vincie from Hell with them because no one else wants to babysit him and he refuses to unbind the hex just to re-hex when he returns to Hell.
In Hell, Kelvin actually doesn't appear much different than his human form! Like Kronos, the lines under his eyes are red in Hell but black on earth. Chuck however? In Hell he has wolf-ish ears and has a fur lining his neck (note the neck scars in human form). In addition to that he has four eyes in Hell (note the scars under his eyes in human form). Vincie just has horns in Hell. And! In Hell the hex doesn't have a silly looking "tied up" look, it's invisible unless Vincie strains it with movement and then its red text. But it shifts on earth to be visible.
Vincie's biggest agony for the entirety on earth is "dude it's colder here than in Hell I want a jacket to slip my arms into BUT I CANT BECAUSE IM BOUND".
#my characters#amazing show stopping rng wheel thanks#i have my oc plots on a wheel - thats 80 different options! wow! - and spun it#i spun twice and the first time it was the bodyguard plot that i drew a few days ago#the second time was evil bound#i genuinely think it new its a bad day and im not doing well so it took it easy on me with things id done recently#anyway ive never colored kelvin before which i realized today#i only have pencil art of him#also fun fact about their lil earth adventures#they fucking fail horrifically the first time they go and kronos doesnt go back#then they go back to try and get him to forcefully bring him back and theeeeen shit hits the fan#and so vincie is vibing with tolliver since hes basically useless without hands and then oops!#no more hex! and so he starts to get really super scared and tolliver is like uh isnt that a good thing your hands are free now#and vincie is horrified because the only way to break a hex from a distance is if the caster is near dead or dead#and if thats the case chuck is probably dead and that means what if kronos and kelvin are dead#how is he gonna get back to hell alone and is HE going to get punished for it#but then kronos and kelvin show up and take vincie back to hell with the not breathing chuck#but its fine in the end bc the succubi bring him back to ... life ? question mark? anyway hes revived#but vincie does have a part where hes just crying in tollivers apartment bc he thinks hes gonna be punished#for not helping the other demons and then they died#but chuck dying is basically why kronos goes back to hell - he feels responsible (hes at fault so good for him to own up)#vincie is one of the very few demons who doesnt have dark sclera#chuck vincie and kronos all have black sclera while the succubi have gray#i dont think there was ever a reason for it tbh i should make up a reason#time to go lie down and not exist the rest of the night if i can avoid it
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something about adam’s mom reaching out to him .. adam seemingly being closer to his mom .. call mom. call mom? .. “please call, honey” .. the potential of mamas boy adam .. oughh. everything going dark
#‘i have family i dont see them thats my mistake’ its a mistake id like to fix’#hate it here so bad. soo bad#the damage i have taken thinking about this is insane#adam falling out w his dad nd by extension not talking to his mom anymore or putting it off until it was too late .. haunts me#adam stanheight#saw 2004#📹#saw 2004 script you have done it again. breaks down screaming crying
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Shout-out to the ppl who felt like the whole world depends specifically on them since they were 13!!
It's a negative shout-out. Get therapy bestie.
#like whaat i totally didnt spend my teenage years breaking down bcs i couldn't save every abused child and stop every war#no i didnt think about air pollution and homelessness and spend hours on the internet reading about it to cry later. what.#but if i DID id tell u exactly how flustering it is to know how big the world is but not being able to do shit about it#girlblogging#hyper independence#eldest daughter syndrome#perhaps??
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accused of having no empathy today bc i dont cry or get sad when im doing pediatric autopsies.im busy @ work i dont have time to cry !!!
#id say i have adequate empathy and sympathy for ppl i know but if its a kid i dont know im sorry im just gonna break down n cry here#i can assess that its sad and that everyone around me is sad but that doesnt mean i gotta be too idk#life is hard but we stay sillayyyyy
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begging someone to hold a gun to my head so my brain will finally make me do my dishes, laundry, vacuuming, job applications, emails, messages,, just to get anything done at all without constantly wanting to die
#executive dysfunction is a fucking hellscape and I want out I want out I wantoutoutout#fuck my liiifee#seriously the threat of imminent immediate danger is the only way I can do fucking anything#executive dysfunction#the kind that makes me wanna BANG MY HEAD INTO THE NEAREST HARD SURFACE UNTIL I CANT SEE ANYMORE#death sounds preferable !!!!!!!!!#all those bullshit articles written by nt ppl like ‘MAKE A LIST!!1!1 BREAK DOWN UR TASKS!!!1!’#THANKS BRENDA BUT ID RATHER PLUCK MY EYELASHES OUT ONE BY ONE#I literally gave my coworker $100 in cash the other day and said#’if I don’t have that report for u by tomorrow you get to KEEP THE $100.’#because I COULD NOT DO IT OTHERWISE ID BEEN RIPPING MY HAIR OUT FOR WEEKS OVER THAT ONE THING#if u have exec dysfunction and have any tips for me other than putting myself in danger like - pls help ohmygod#legit a cry for help I don’t know what anyone would do but like#god damn a button that lets someone shock me remotely if I don’t do the shit i’m#supposed to do#I ACTUALLY NEED THAT IT WOULD SAVE MY LIFE HHAA#tw mental health#tw suicidality#adhd#tw implied suicidal tendencies#vent#personal
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OH MY GOD A YEAR AGO TODAY .
#thats literally insane what do you mean that crazy day was last year. oh boy ok hastily thought up recap thought time#what that day included:#stupidly going out into july in los angeles heat that morning in jeans and a long sleeve black shirt#in that state of extreme sweatiness: meeting john l of tmbg fame. who id be seeing in concert that exact night#an insane story i have told before but nonetheless incredibly bonkers#later that day when i went out again i (also stupidly) wore sandals that cut up the back of my heels#i toughed it out later and put socks on and the russell brand of cdg high tops on and danced at the concert anyway#wore a full gold glitter suit. was still worried about being unnoticeable#i was too scareddddddd to talk to christi who i saw hanging around before the show which i regret#the best part of the concert and that trip to california was seeing it with my best friend who i finally met in person for that trip#he was dressed as ron and i of course was russ in the glitter suit. my hair did not turn out as magically russ as desired#what else. i was too ough before the concert to eat my combination lunch dinner of panda express something#but i did get overpriced fancy crackers and rosé at the hbowl which was my sparks dinner#ok now let me get to the show itself. i did a review the night of but lets see if there are any details i forgot that i can remember now#like right at the beginning of so may we start there was the audible sound of a glass breaking so awesome. someone was ready to get down#russell getting choked up talking abt their mom taking them to the hollywood bowl as kids i haven't stopped crying#oh yeah all the stupid people in the pool circle (front seats) who didn't care about seeing sparks. youre all going to hell#especially the people that left before the show ended#russell achieved some maximum awooga levels but i may have been picking up on those especially because of the rosé#russell saying to the audience in between singing all that how beautiful it looked with everyone turning the light on their phones#another thing i havent stopped crying over#also got a fun bootleg shirt specific to that show when walking back to the hotel. thank you slightly sketchy guy#that whole night and everything was bonkers insane and wonderful can i Please relive it now. please#like literally this time last year adjusting for time zone i was uhhhhh. probably injuring myself in those stupid sandals#and id do it again! well maybe not but id relive that day again#ok anyway. one year huh
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Setting up the warp for some towels. Wanted something lower stress to figure out the warping board on, plus my mom is visiting in a couple weeks and ive been promising her more towels for ages now.
Far as i can tell i kind of just need to take this off and start another one whenever the board is full (as it is now). Maybe thats not the right way to do it, but i do not (as of yet) see any downsides to that, so it's what im gonna do. Idk, im used to doing direct warping and just walking the warp.
Warp is all millspun cotton, leftovers from the cotton stripey scarf i did on commission last year.
This is 62 warp ends and i need around 180, so i guess i need 2 more of these.
#gonna try and set it up so that im only using treadles 1 and 4#have been able to drive on my right foot altho it does suck#but not as much as walking. so i assume trying to walk my feet down the treadles would be bad as well#went to joanns today to just get a tiny bit more of the white yarn for the warp#using my crutches. turns out theyre moving and had already sold out of all the yar#yarn*#but i only got about 10 paces into the door before i realized there was probably not more yarn in the back#and if i had to get myself over there to check id probably break down crying#n then i had to repeat the whole experience at michaels altho at least they did have it#but it is so fucking painful and exhausting to use those crutches#maybe too much to ask for but i should have been given a wheelchair#or something that i can actually move around in without constant gutting agony#aaaaanyway. am back home at least. trying not to move around too much#my foot is barely even bothering me the actual problem is that staying off my foot puts all the strain on my other leg#which absolutely cannot take it#but it means at least that if im stationary its not so bad#weaving
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oh no it's theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
unexpected urge to cry!
#im fine im just uhhh processing shit#listened to rothko by dessa one too many times and an emotion slipped out!!!#(im good tho i made the right choice in leaving the house today i feel so much better in so many ways)#(but oh boy grief just hits you whenever it wants to huh!)#well i think maybe the sad is a good thing. cause i was kinda numb for a while#and now im experiencing like the full range of human emotions and it's catching me off guard#and well it's hard but id rather occasionally break down crying in my beautiful little bedroom that i love so much#than ever go back to how i was living before#i didnt even realize how bad it was at the time. like i thought i was doing fine. ha#doth oversharing hour
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.
#so first of all I'm fine.#second of all I don't know if that's a lie or not but like. by some stretch it's gotta be true#so it doesn't count as a lie to my code of honor.#anyway. I keep fucking losing it y'all#I.... even now on depression medication I'm still breaking down what feels like fucking daily#it's just in different ways#crying harder than I have in a while and feeling more panicked about than like I'm releasing emotion#it's more distant but for some reason it's. easier to conceptualize uh#....tw here for like self harm and suicidal thoughts don't read the rest of these if you don't wanna see that#some reason it's easier to conceptualize the idea of. cutting myself? it never felt like a possibility before#id think about it and know I'd never do it. but. now....#.....i can't help but find myself wondering if it *would* feel good. to hurt. to see my own blood#........there are so many people who's lives I've touched that would be saddened if I were gone but#it's.....harder to use that to ground myself. to pull myself away from the thoughts of just......#..........stopping#ending everything. i dunno. fuck.#....a few weeks ago I found myself wanting to roll out of the moving car and could feel myself able to#reach for the seatbelt buckle and the door handle#........im not okay and honestly I don't know if I care#sometimes I do but when I feel like this it feels impossible TO care#it feels so distant. i feel so distant. I feel so nothing and so bad at the same time#i feel so fucking ugly#so much self hatred rearing it's head where I thought I'd gotten past it#i have a therapy appointment at the end of March and I'm not sure if that's soon enough.
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rewatching the inarizaki game and omg 😭 i forgot how stressful it is.
#like the pressure just kept building up and its crazy how they knew who to target#first tanaka then noya#OHHHH ID PEE MY PANTS IF I WERE THEM#then suna targeting tsukishima because he knew hes good at reading blocks#bro volleyball (sports in general) arent for me cause id just break down crying if the opposing team scored against me#you gotta have HELLA mental strength to be able to play any sport like volleyball basketball or football#and i dont have that for sure#*＊✿❀talk to moon❀✿＊*
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NO ONE TOUCH ME IM INCONSOLABLE
#im allowed to share videos i took but tumblr hates videos so we will see what we can do here#but ohhhh my god im so out of my mind i choked up like 8 times in the venue 4 of which Just for magu#if i let myself think about it i will ugly cry that was the best time of my life no exaggeration#i did not get to give them anything sadly but hhjougvshh#this is it. this is that 'im glad to be alive for this' feeling i didnt think id ever have#which in itself is going to make me break down#BUT SERIES SONGS. IN A CROWD OF PEOPLE WHO ALSO LIKE THE SONGS. DONT TOUCH ME IM INCONSOLABLE#i stood for 12 hours straight today without any sitting or crouching or breaks. it was worth it.
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sometimes life w a v high pain tolerance means im still in pain but quiet abt it to not bother other ppl and sometimes it means im in such horrific pain for literally no reason (there is a reason oft just related to afab insides so ppl dont care) but i have to go to work anyways bc calling out is bad and somehow its ‘so brave’ to work while wanting to die as your insides torture you it feels like youre burning alive and your organs are breaking but hey we gotta go earn that dough right
#raiiot#it hurts so bad rn i wanna just cry and break down but i have work tonight#it hurts to breathe too which doesnt help me#i honestly dont even know if my pain tolerance is high or if i just got told my pain didnt matter#so much growing up and by docitrs and everyone that Im just not reacting to it#bc the reality is my wanting to die because of pain has been a constant since i first got my period at like 7-9 years old#and being told by doctors and my parents that im faking it for attention or i need to get over it or that idk what pain is jhst means i#started not saying anything bc being in pain and crying a lot was already bad since id get yeled at for crying#but being called a liar and being in trouble for it and the additional suffering just really sucked on top of it so it was ‘easier’ to say#nothing and try to ignore it and pretend i wasnt in pain for others benefit since they thought i was lying anyways#which is even funnier since now if i mention it theybsfill think im lying#so if im ignoring it or honest abt it i#still apparently a liar ig lol#the only pain other ppl in my fam have experienced is the oral pain funnily enough but they screamed abt cried abt how nobodys ever felt#pain like they have over a need for ONE root canal. i needed 9 and numbing didnt work#thats the first time they ever realized i maybe wasnt lying avout the pain. was when they got told thaf. but they still treat me like i am
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thought about my old house for more than two seconds and almost cried so i did the smart thing and looked at the pictures of it on rightmove to see how the new owners (they have lived there since 2015) have completely ruined it (they redecorated) to the point it's unrecognisable (got an extension) and im literally ugly sobbing about it. they let my mother's garden die
#YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THERE USED TO BE CONIFERS THERE AND I REMEMBER CLIMBING SO FAR UP THEM#AND MY GRANDAD SEEING ME THROUGH THE BRANCHES AND SMILING AT ME AND SAYING 'HELLO' SO SOFTLY#BACK WHEN HE WAS NICE AND I REMEMBER THERE'S A BACK ALLEY BEHIND ALL THE GARDENS ON THE STREET#THAT YOU CANT SEE IN THE PHOTOS AND ME AND THE TWO BOYS NEAR ME USED TO SPEND HOURS AND HOURS#RUNNING ABOUT AND GETTING DIRTY AND BREAKING INTO THE NEIGHBOURS' GARDENS AND GETTING IN TROUBLE#AND NOW ONE IS IN A MILITARY SCHOOL BECAUSE HIS PARENTS GREW SCARED OF HIM#AND THE OTHER GOT INVOLVED IN GANGS AND GOT CAUGHT WITH A KNIFE IN SCHOOL BUT I SAW HIM AT THE LOCAL A FEW MONTHS AGO#AND HE'S STILL ONE OF THE SOFTEST BOYS IVE EVER MET AND HE SMILED AND SAID HE WAS GLAD I WAS DOING WELL#AND I REMEMBER RUNNING UP THE STAIRS WHEN MY MUM WAS ANGRY AND I REMEMBER RUNNING DOWN THE DRIVE#WHEN MY DAD CAME HOME AND I REMEMBER MY OLD DOG AND HOW MY MUM EXPLAINED THE NAMES BEHIND EVERY ROSE#I REMEMBER BEING SCARED OF THE CELLAR AND I REMEMBER LEARNING TO PLAIT MY OWN HAIR ON THE STAIRS#BECAUSE MY SISTER REFUSED TO TEACH ME AND I REMEMBER HOW COLD THE ATTIC WAS#I REMEMBER SLEEPING IN MY MUM'S BED AND I REMEMBER THE CAT DYING#I REMEMBER CLOSING MY EYES SO TIGHTLY BECAUSE I THOUGHT ID SEE SANTA AND THAT MEANT HE WOULDNT COME#I REMEMBER CRYING IN THE BATHROOM WHEN MY SISTER TOLD ME THE EASTER BUNNY WASNT REAL#I REMEMBER MY MUM BRUSHING MY HAIR IN THE KITCHEN BEFORE SCHOOL AND I REMEMBER HOW WE PAINTED THE WALLS#THAT'S MY HOUSE IT'S BUILT FROM ME AND NOW I CANT EVEN RECOGNISE IT#THAT WAS THE LAST PLACE I WAS TRULY HAPPY NOTHING BAD HAD EVER HAPPENED TO ME#AND NOW IT'S FOREIGN TO ME#im about to start dry-heaving this is evil and sick and twisted childhood homes come with their own ache i think#hella goes home#<- not quite but v much fits that tag
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ultimately my enjoyment is hampered because it is low key sexist bc it takes place in an alternate universe where Sigmund Freud is real. though I did still like it for the most part but I hate Sigmund Freudddd Utena better
#Btw noril don’t read these tags there are spoilers#like idk id have to think abt it more maybe talk abt it with someone else#like does this overall criticize or reinforce gender roles slash heterosexuality#bc like shinji clearly is not the ideal of masculinity and I don’t think that’s seen as a bad thing bc its not like toji’s personality#is seen all that positively either#+ obviously shinji not being a stone cold murderer like gendo wants is a good thing lol#and shinji is straight up into kaworu obviously#but there are a lot of counter examples as well#also I think the adult female characters are all undermined by their sexuality#like ofc gendo and the other old bitch whose name I forget are motivated by their love for yui#but they are stone cold about it. I don’t want to see ritsuko break down crying abt how gendo doesn’t love her dawg#to the point where she is choking out rei being jealous of a child#I think to some extent the show is aware of there being a power imbalance between men and women but even if its treating the#Female characters as distinct individuals worthy of success I think it is a) victimizing them b) claiming there is an inherent unchanging#biological basis for all of these things#pitying of women rather than having contempt for them lol#the only mentally stable person is kaji#you could also say ofc that the 4 main characters who are the most miserable and traumatized#have special attention given to how emotionally broken they are bc they are especially scarred not bc they are women#since obviously shinji is there <I think he’s a trans girl anyway but we are talking abt authorial intent#but I think the way they are treated and the nature of their problems especially asuka and misato is highly highly gendered#not a bad thing inherently since obviously their gender impacts their life#but it does feel less like bc they are a woman society treats them badly#and more like bc they are a woman they are weaker and more emotional and easily hurt. or more emotional about how they are hurt#and shinji is like them bc he is particularly weak#I’ve only seen the show not the movie or rebuilds but him being the only one to resolve his arc positively#asukas mom killing herself over a man ritsuko and her mom and misato self destructing over men#<made worse bc they are grown women so theoretically more mature but since they are susceptible to sexuality they are weaker#than even the female children#‘it’s sad that men have all the control but men will always have all the control’ it feels like. idk thoughhh
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