#id probably gaslight myself

[conanssummerchild]

my parents will do absolutely everything for my sister, cater to her every need, and then chastise her for not being able to do things on her own, and they'll ignore my every concern and then chastise me for not asking for help

[snekdood]

Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.

[accipitae]

Literally had to leave work because I got vertigo so bad I couldn't move my head without feeling like I was going to fall over, yet my stupid trauma brain keeps trying to tell me I'm fine actually and I'm just making it all up.

Then I move a little bit and the whole world slowly starts tilting to the side and my eyes refuse to focus.

[verystressedcollegestudent]

if there's one thing i hate more than slackers in group projects its goddamn hypocrites

[stormblessed95]

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

[martian-astro]

hi love🌷[a small feedback by the way- your atmakaraka series is right on point😭 like i have a mars atmakaraka in third house and the way i related to every single word haunts me lmao the only thing still saving my younger sibling for me is my venus in third house closely conjunct mars lmao. 100% recommended to any person who wishes to understand atmakarakas]

i hope this doesn't bother you too much but ive noticed this thing about ashlesha energies and living 'sorrowful' lives; often their lives are seen as tragedies that serve as warnings to others and stories to many.

more often though, they usually die to leave behind mysteries regarding their deaths. questions that leave many thinking about how or why they died, or if they even died at all and not murdered unceremoniously instead.

also, they often leave suddenly, or switch energies suddenly. leaving not in the sense of dying, but rather releasing content that contradicts expectations or previous trends or suddenly forsake the very thing that acted like their trademark.

also! they somehow seem to promote the whole agenda of 'gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss. '

ex:

[ashlesha stellium] sridevi. it is often commonly believed that she was killed by her own husband and had a very poor post-marital life lacking of warmth from her mother-in-law; she also had an extremely co-dependent relationship with her mother. [you're also indian so i think you know the tea lmao] she left behind a huge mystery about who exactly killed her or if it was simply an unfortunate accident after all.

[ashlesha rising] marilyn monroe. the iconic lady of the 1950s who shed light on the history's beloved blonde bombshell characters with her sparkly charm and sexual appeal. arguably adored by all, her death was shocking to all. she died by suicide, most probably, considering official statements and her own condition in the recent weeks before her death. she also left behind the question of her death, though many prefer to accept her death as a suicide made in the desperate attempt to escape.

[ashlesha moon] lana del ray. today, lana has showcased depression, sugar daddies, toxic relationships and general toxicity in life and love in such a way that it has led to the formation of an entirely new kind of coquette aesthetic which seems to romanticize dependency in relationships. while the whole question of right or wrong is an entirely different thing id rather not ponder, she certainly has been quite the pioneer when it comes to this!

i was wondering, if you could expand a bit on these topics in correlation to ashlesha energies! having an ashlesha stellium myself ive felt that their energies are quite similar to mine!

personal experience being that i have a strong inclination towards the coquette aesthetic! since im no content creator other themes won't be so apparent, but people also always compliment me along the lines of 'feminine', 'dark', 'enchanting', 'serpent eyes', 'darkness incarnate'.

i hope this isn't too much to ask! please be safe wherever you are and have a nice time! i hope such an exploration of nakshatra energies will be as thrilling for you as they are for me! XD

So first of all, thank you so much for the feedback, I'm so glad that you liked the series and found it to be relatable. I love it when people go out of their way to let me know that they like my content, it really means a lot.

Now, about the Ashlesha nakshatra, I don't think that being ashlesha dominant has anything to do with these women having lived a sorrowful life. You must have noticed that one more thing is common in the charts of these 3 women, and that is having their atmakaraka in Saturn. I remember this one time I was trying to look for women who had bharani ascendant. I looked at the charts of atleast a 100 female celebrities and I'm pretty sure that 70 of them had Saturn atmakaraka. I think all of us know how female celebrities are treated in the entertainment industry. They constantly date and sometimes even marry abusive men, they are sexualised by literally everyone around them, they are unable to speak about the abuse that they go through because they are not powerful enough. These women have different nakshatras but they ALWAYS have saturn atmakaraka. I don't think I can expand on the topics that you talked about in correlation to ashlesha energies, because I personally feel that those topics have nothing to do with ashlesha Nakshatra.

If I had to describe Ashlesha nakshatras in my own words, I would say that they are cunning and beautiful women who are capable of being extremely successful if they manage to harness the energy of the Ashlesha nakshatra. I have noticed that ashlesha women are more likely to succeed if they maintain an air of mystery and keep people guessing. This strategy does not work for all nakshatras, for ex; I have noticed that people tend to like uttara bhadrapada women more if they talk about their family and constantly post pictures and videos about them.

I hope I was able to give you the answer that you were looking for.

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[mutedeclipse]

Sirius or Rukifellth for the ask game if you're still doing it.

Ok so i genuinely hate rukifellth more irrationally than R buggler. Time to be self indulgent and do sirius (lol)

Favorite thing: i like how fucking RANCID he is i like that he manipulate mansplains and manwhores you i like that he just sucks so bad i want him

Least favorite thing: uhm. He never helped me when i played 64 he was right there and watch me struggle like an insect stuck in the pool for over an hour. Fuck you with your cryptic ass words.

Favorite line: i think itd be funny to put this here its the only screenshot of his in game dialogue i have other than YOUUUUU!

He should, could and would kill me

Brotp: sirius and spellmaker!!!!!!!!! I think theyre buddies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spellmaker is his clown roommate & nobody acknowledges that.

Otp: brain x sirius. I cant not put that here itd be so unfunny if i missed the opportunity to put my rancid little ship here.

Notp: ehhh i dont really care who hes paired with honestly, he slays so much pussy and manipulate mansplain manwhores so hard id believe nearly anything

Random headcanon: the rainbow palace is straight up his home. We dont see it in game but its probably pretty cozy in the rooms that don't look like a church or his fancy ass garden. As said above. He has tastes for the lavish lifestyle.

Unpopular opinion: i am autistic and hate venturing out of my bubble so i will instead admit to trying to gaslight people into thinking he has energy wings

Song: I KNEEP FORGETTING THIS ONE. i have a whole playlist dedicated to him but puppet boy by devovision is one of my favorites for him. Emperors new clothes by P!ATD is also one of those.

Favorite picture: can i cheat and put all of the videos ive edited to have him blow up violently here

Yeah like that. I made this myself

Anyway i have nearly every image of him in official material ever on my phone. I have mental problems and he is one of them.

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

reading yaoi for the plot

recently i seemingly entirely stopped my life for a week to read the visual novel Slow Damage.

i dont really play vn’s (reading in front of my pc is HARD) nor do i read that much boys love (i am a bit of a gayboy by nature, so im not opposed to it) so what drove me to absolutely devour this one.....i honestly dont know. i would never have bought it for myself but my bestie gave it to me. so here we are.

slow damage is a game that you Could play. maybe should and maybe shouldnt. its sad and since it deals with self harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, sexual violence and rape, child abuse and just about every other bad thing you can imagine.......... man that shit can be depressing as hell. and since its a eroge, they are out there sexualizing shit they really SHOULDNT.

AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!! all those “fiction doesnt affect reality” talk some people do is bs in my opinion. yes, you probably wouldnt hurt people irl bc youre reading this rape scene. but YES, bad porn will still condition your brain negatively in the long run.

anyhow. slow damage is pretty damn self-aware. dont get me wrong man, i love the game so much. and yet, and yet.

its so deeply important to me how the game really pictures.... unconditional love between friends and multiple different endgames that finish the story Well for the protag. he can attain salvation and peace. whether it means never touching the wounds of his past or confronting it headfirst. either way he can go through the worst of the worst and end up better. or worse. its all so fickle but thats the good part right. mental health is very sensitive and as a chronically sick person, he is so so vulnerable. (not madarame. fuck everything to do with him. i think theres a storytelling and character study merit to his ends as well but this paragraph wasnt about them)

ive been thinking about talking about it but theres probably people who have. better more informed takes than i do. here are my 2 cents anyway

id love to talk about the ludonarrative dissonance that is a yaoi game with rape scenes taking a stance against rape

im also really intrigued by the setting; a very desensitized city with desensitized people, which we are supposed to see as sad, yet a lot of scenes are there for shock value

CAN WE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WHY IS SLOW DAMAGE SO FILLED WITH GENDER. ITS EVEN GOOD WITH GENDER. I LOVE THE AMOUNT OF GENDER IDENTITY TALK!!!!! WE LOVE TO SEE CIS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WE LOVE NORMALIZED DYSPHORIA TALK. BUT ALSO I LOVE HOW SENSITIVE THE TRANSLATION WAS ABOUT ITS TRANSFEM/GNC CHARACTERS

the fact that the game has an Entire big arc about gaslighting and an abusive relationship, that makes the protag really really internalize selfhate and doubt and makes that mindset smth that he wears like a protective “its just us two against the world” shield. its so sad yet so close to life

the protag, though horribly abused and traumatized, has the advantage of having a very functional very very loving support system in the form of his two best friends, one of which happens to be a doctor. can you imagine how much worse this could be. im constantly aware of it

thinking a lot about how much class plays a role in the last route and towa and fujieda only start to get along once their perceived differences are lifted, in fact them being “the same” is of fundamental importance - but also undermines how unbridgable their differences would have been otherwise

deeply in love with the fact fujieda, as someone who studied law and has been dealing with courts professionally, is this huge vigilante. bc he doesnt trust justice to happen unless he does it himself. and towa is important to him, but ultimately his own goals are just a bit more important than towas comfort. i love when characters have spines <3

on a related note, i also love when characters dont have spines. taku is literally my fav. the fact hes a human sanctuary contrasts so beautifully with him withholding vital info, constantly telling white lies, being conflicted about Everything, but eventually going to jail bc he thinks he Deserves it

how and why is eiji a metal gear solid character stuck in a pokemon characters body

[werewolffem]

i want to socially detransition (never started medically for various reasons) and i know its probably the best path for me to reidentify as a woman again. im very short so even if i DID transition i would have very slim chances of passing convincingly anyway, plus the various health issues connected with medical transition that are swept under the rug by the trans community.. im only attracted to women (so ..a lesbian) so the internalized homophobia probably played a big part, im 20 now and been identifying as male since i was 13-14:/ my friend group during middle/high school, with whom i no longer talk to, was also mildly homophobic towards me and i think this pushed me to ID as "straight transman". im very scared of "reverse coming out". i lost a lot of friends in the past ~two years due to being severely depressed & its always hard to be all alone and im afraid being a desister is going to alienate me even more:/ i know what i should do (be a woman), but im too cowardly right now. especially after spending my 'formative' years like this.

if you believe it is the right and best path for you, then it 99.9% is. i started out by questioning it as well, thinking about detransitioning, about how i was actually a lesbian, the abuse/trauma/homophobia that helped attribute to this, and of course the danger of the hormones that wrecked my body. it took me some time to accept it due to the fact that i was afraid of losing my friends that i had made through transition. i went to and spoke to the "mean radfems" about it, those who i knew detransitioned, because they were the only ones i could trust to get actual helpful advice from.

i won't lie and say it's not true, but it's likely some friends will drop you for detransitioning -- for some reason they see this as some act of betrayal? they put detrans + radfems as one even if someone isn't a radfem and simply detrans. it is very possible this will lose friends but WERE they ever actually your friend if they drop you for doing what's best for you and who you are?

internalized homophobia plays a big part in this, i know for a fact. my mom yelled at me for being gay. was actually disgusted with me and told it to my face that she thought i was disgusting but proceeds to gaslight me into thinking she didn't which furthered the issue. sometimes you just have to come to terms with things by yourself rather than getting the resolution you needed from someone. knowing the internalized homophobia is there is the first step into deconstructing it within yourself and accepting/coming to terms with yourself. it takes time and a lot of work but you can do it!

if you choose to desist, you will be lost. I'm not trying to scare you but you'll feel like you're lost, you have no clue who you are anymore because you immersed yourself into an identity for so long and at so young. you'll have to find yourself again, but it will feel so freeing once you do! detransitioning for me was so awakening? i have been able to heal from certain things and find myself again, like my true self, and not hide as something for safety and coping. my depression and anxiety even eased up after detransitioning, especially stopping hrt as well.

what you choose to do is up to you, but i will be here if you need help or someone to talk to. this is all just information from me personally and it's not the same for everyone who desists/detransitions. it can be a lonely experience but there are people here who understand and can help along the way. so don't be afraid to reach out to me or someone else again. i know where you're coming from. there's no time frame for this. give yourself time to think things over, do what's best for you, do what you know will make you happy. for me, it was finding myself again in detransitioning. can it be the same for you? yes. but give yourself time ❤️

[arlecchno]

5 hours of sleep squad …. i honestly dont know how well i sleep but today i had a dream and alhaitham and kaveh were in it (i only got to chat w haitham tho) i was in this gigantic ass library type thing and it looked so cool , the entire thing was made out of dark brown wood and it was so pretty (i actually had another dream where i was in the same building before where i was running errands around the “school” HAHAH) but yeah since it was a library / school type place i was obviously there to learn shiz and — this is the weird part — the lesson was on dreams !!!!!!! and like bro ?? are my dreams becoming self aware ? 😨 i thought the lesson was interesting but alhaitham tried to gaslight me into not liking it (an exaggeration , he just thought i was lying when i said it was interesting) i think he was supposed to be like ,,, a helper to me in the dream idfk it was funky as hell - sorry for going off on a tangent about my dream LMFAO

WHSJSJ fischl is my baby shes one of the first 4*s i got and i kinda relate to her on some level , i too love playing pretend , but mostly when i was younger id pretty much spend all my recess roleplaying with my friends . trying to imitate my favorite characters is a pastime ive always enjoyed , and it honestly makes me insanely happy when people say i kinda act like my faves (ig its smth i do subconsciously LOL) because its like “WAIT . THEY THINK IM LIKE THIS INSANELY COOL CHARACTER I LOVE WITH A BURNING PASSION ???? [inaudible screaming]” recently ive found myself a new genshin rp friend and . dude . id never have thought that playing as alhaitham would be so goddamn fun . screenies for funnies:

(making cynos joke was so much fun too so i included it)

bro i lost my mf 50/50 to jeAN on haithams banner - not even a diluc , tall men hate me ig LMAO and it really doesnt help that ive been drained as hell from school lately so ive been slacking w my fricking primo farming ;_;

YESS the fungi event was lovely but tbh … the entire event i was just yelling about how i wanted to see cyno HAHAHAH - i suffer with chronic writers block (/hj) so . like . [dead alex sound]

GREAT NEWS my injury has healed hooray !!

absolutely , escaping school is great , id probably go on more field trips if it didnt mean id have to do makeup work tbh , i hate doing makeup work .

DINGDINGDING ! YOU ARE CORRECT ! the region i was going for was indeed mondstadt ! aster (my oc) lives in mond and is originally from khaenriah , im glad i didnt draw in their face yet because their eyes wouldve totally given away the fact they were khaenriahn LOL

my week was honestly pretty busy (atleast to my tiny brains standards , i feel like you could also tell by how long it took me to send another ask 😭😭) i had two tests today (that i frickin ACED HAHA im so proud of myself) one of my friends and some guy i share a bunch of classes with also gave me pieces of their cotton candy and the guy told me good job for actually doing my work LMFAO (i usually fall asleep in that class … haha ,,) and one of my other friends complained about also wanting food so i called him friendless (even though i thought the guy who gave me a piece of cotton candy didnt like me so i dont think he counts as a friend ??) my friend also recently introduced me to a series they liked and now im practically obsessed because DELICIOUS . i also recently did heizous hangout quest and GODDAMN he - he is so . im so gay for this detective motherfucker i was practically screaming at my ipad … haha …… heizou is honestly so my type he has such a way with words and i DO NOT know why a lot of npcs / characters in game talk about him negatively how do people not like him - yeah but i also almost went on a full genshin lore tangent to my ipad because of my uncontrollable urge to explain things SMH . oh my god the part where heizou said that he wanted us to be his partner all the time and i just straight up actually screamed , yes heizou ill be your partner forever if yk what i mean - HAHAHAH i also made a collection of goofy genshin triangles on one of my friends old schoolwork in math class hehe

aaaanyways id like to return your question ! how have your recent days been ? and if you dont deem anything of note or dont want to share , if you could choose anyone in genshin to share a house / be roommates with who would you choose ? (since these are again two questions , if you want , fire back two as well !) also , dude i have a terrible habit of rambling like crazy , so i totally dont mind if you ramble and stuff in replies (because i do that wayy too much as well LOL)

— jellyfish

HELLOO TO YOU!!!! your dream sounds so funny LOL in the 2 years i've played genshin i've never had any genshin characters appear in my dreams,,, it's always boring ones that revolve around my life. but nevertheless your dream made me imagine how alhaitham would act around you 😭 and the way he tried to gaslight you LMAO he's so cute and goofy

haha i love how enthusiastic you are about fischl!!! we all have that one character that we have an undying love for to the point that everyone you know in life knows them (for me that'd be kazuha,, every time someone sees him it'd just remind them of me hehe)

THE RPS LMAO “i just find you rather annoying.” THAT'S SUCH AN ALHAITHAM THING TO SAY!!! also i'm pretty oblivious so this just made me realize that the denial is a river in egypt tiktok meme is also pointing out the fact that the nile. is a river. in egypt???? i just found out it's a wordplay thing???? denial (the nile)???? damn i really thought it's like a random word being thrown to make it seem exaggerated or something 😭😭😭 i'm really dumb LMAO how did i not figure that out sooner 🙁🙁🙁 the fact that i know the nile is a river in egypt is embarrassing too like it never occurred to me to piece the puzzles together...

man that sucks 😭😭 i remember when you messaged me on genshin talking about it LOL please humbly accept my offer of my c2 diluc to you,,, he's been in my hands far too long and i cannot fathom the fact that he keeps appearing in my 50/50's (tighnari pls come home i beg). i was on a 50/50 for haitham too and the very loud sigh of relief i let out when he finally came home is insane. i've basically farmed everything in the new area (i have 99% exploration progress now due to it) and have milked my welkin for him so i'm glad he actually came home... the things i'd do if diluc appeared in screen instead should be left unsaid 🤗

YAYY GLAD TO HEAR YOU'RE WELL NOW!!!

aster is such a badass name and the fact that they're originally from khaenriah???? awesome as hell. hope they're besties with kaeya because that would be totally legen... wait for it, dary!!!! (cue my love for barney in himym i just had to quote him)

also very glad to see that your week has been going okay!!! would love some cotton candy rn tbh they're so good </3

and heizou's hangout quest.... honestly same. i haven't exactly finished all of the endings but i've done some and it made me squeal and giggle every time he flirted with us 😭 made me feel like a total loser with his charming words bro i can't believe the npcs in game have such negative views on him because me personally if i was in the game, i'd immediately fold for him the second he breathes in front of me HAHA i'm . not weird at all.

my week has been slow actually, i finished my finals a while ago so we have nothing to do now so i've been doing absolutely nothing at school LOL! senior year is coming up soon so i might be more busy and focusing more on my studies... it's sure gonna be hell for me.

and recently i've been packing up my stuff because i'm moving out!! (hence why i haven't posted a new asphodelus chapter lol i've been so busy). it's been rather slow for me tho since i have a lot of stuff and it's kinda hard to choose the ones i'd have to throw or give away because like,, i love all of my stuff 😭 my mom has helped me with some but i still got a shit ton of stuff to declutter. basically everything is a mess rn

other than that, i think everything's been a-okay! i'm just reaally busy with irl stuff now but i think i can survive through them :D (i hope i do because i am one inch away from going insane). also my mom's been trying to convince me to drive lately since i'm supposed to start now but i have been avoiding it,,, it's scary being on the road and i am far from ready to risk my life 😔

as for your question, i think out of everyone, i'd choose kazuha. before you say anything, i'm trying to not be as biased as i can since like kazuha is my favourite character ever— but yeah, i think i can accept the terms of living with the kaedehara kazuha. he's such a nice guy and although he's a very very lightweight and behind all that charming looks he's a pretty scary guy himself (cue that scene where he threatened that treasure hoarder in the archon quest that he'd brand his forehead with hot iron) i think i could actually survive living with him. he'd do his set of chores, i'd do mine, everyone gets their happy ending. if i were to live with my other favs like kuni and alhaitham i think i would just die. kuni would be rude as fuck and alhaitham would just bully his way out from doing our shared chores. i cannot deal with them. (i'm sorry my sweethearts i'll do you two justice one day)

time to give a question to you!!! how's your progress in genshin going? (it can be exploration wise, storyline, anything) and what's your current main genshin team rn :0

hope you're having a great day!!! it was fun talking with you hehe i've been dying to get an ask since the blog has been real quiet lately, and i'm glad it's you! have a wonderful day ahead :P

[evil4177]

i understand i probably most definitely need drugs to make me normal. i’ve made my psychiatric appt and i can’t help it feel like this is defeat. deep down, i don’t want to feel better. i just want to at least have the motivation to scrape off the shame coating my lungs and dissect it. finally, i’ll understand the disease of my life! im too much of a self obsessed egotistical idiot to do that though. i can’t get the gunk out as a fault of my human biology: my jaw doesn’t unhinge like a snake, my hand suffocates my throat, and my body heaves, expelling the coffee grounds that will get me through the morning. all i’m left with is staring at black mess in the toilet, a red face, a snot ridden t shirt, and more answers than questions. that’s the dangerous part, the dumbest part about me. i’ve got all the answers but no questions. even now in this paragraph, i’ve made my conclusions with no hypothesis.

it’s hard to not be disgusted with yourself. i used to think i was smart and had something to say. i used to believe i was special and beautiful. but the only thing that’s big or special about me is how much of a fuck up i am. if i kept on that track and became an opera singer, or violinist, or went into engineering like i wanted to, id be a somebody. id be someone who didn’t live with their parents, or have failed relationships, or have clothes that don’t fit anymore. i’m no better than lena dunham except i’ve don’t got a hit tv show and books to leave behind. just people who try to tell me that i’m not who i think i am. the problem IS all in my head, don’t you see???? this is the problem that keeps me from doing anything about my unhappiness. i’ve tried gaslighting myself into doing what i need to do, but the only thing i fantasize about is the day i’m dead and how i’ll fade into eternity and i will have done nothing but complain and cry.

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

and honestly like.... whatever, at this point.

im sick and tired of worrying more abt them than myself

and im tired of them gaslighting and manipulating me

and im tired of them pushing all the blame onto me and making me feel like im insane for feeling this way

i WASNT a saint in our relationship!

but i very strongly maintain the fact that i only ever did things that they told me they were okay with

like. i ALWAYS stopped when they told me to

(even if i was confused bc they told me prior that they wanted me to keep doing that specific behvaior, only to backtrack n say they hated it when i did that)

like... jesus christ they rlly did just treat me in a way they never treated anyone else

nobody else that they got into a relationship with had a "trial by fire" entry

i struggled HARD in our relationship, the ENTIRE way through

like yeah part of that is my aromanticism, but a far larger part is them literally traumatizing me

i genuinely never wouldve had this reaction either if like. i hadnt

a) figured out that there was a strong timeline incongnruency (we started dating in 2014. im not crazy. im NOT crazy. their excuse of "well we were qpps beforehand" doesnt fucking matter we called each other qpps WELL into 2015 and beyond - i would know, i checked our old blogs out. also thats arophobic lol qpps are committed relationships just like romantic partners are)

b) been told that one of their current alters had left-over traits from hyde. like. i was fully convinced before this point that hyde was a spiritual alter, not an actual part of them. i was abused by hyde. he was the one alter they had that i pointed to and said that i was abused by him. they said they were abused by him too. i was intimate with that alter before i ever knew this info. im still rlly upset abt this. like. at some point, at least one of your alters KNEW. i have no clue how quickly i was told. but i just. i cant wrap my head around this lol. like wow. youre always the one preaching abt system responsibility but you have never apologized or tried to repair what hyde broke. hyde was literally a part of you. his traits are part of you. part of you hurt me so bad that i honest to god have PTSD now.

NOT TO MENTION. ari was abusive to me too tbh not even gonna like. minimize that

were they abusive in the same way as hyde? no. but they also abused me

i was never the one in control in that relationship, there was never a sense of me being the one holding more of the power

we literally joked that ari was the one who wore the pants. i was always the one changing my behavior to match their needs - it was never the other way around. they encouraged me to act yandere. they encouraged me to have no boundaries between us. literally they are the whole reason i had a scare abt possibly feeling incestuous feelings irl towards my older family members in the first place

i was literally probably at the tail end of 12 when we met, and DEFINITELY at MAX i was 13.

hyde was my introduction to bdsm, tossing me into CG/L, with me as the little. he emphasized my youth and innocence and his desire to corrupt me into a more mature sexy femme fatale type. I WAS LITERALLY THIRTEEN.

ari wanted me to be their actual mom. I WAS YOUNGER THAN THEM BY A YEAR AND A HALF? I WAS A CHILD/PRETEEN WHEN WE FIRST MET? I NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN PUSHED INTO THAT ROLE

like. being a mommy NEVER came naturally to me

not to mention me feeling like i wasnt allowed to regress or feel young around them - i never felt safe enough to

also bc ari would pitch a fit abt my child alters being out around them bc they said they were scared of children

which - fun fact - they never had that issue with our other friends

like... god. im just angry. its that feeling of like. "why can they treat other people like that but im always relegated to second best and back up?"

just. FUCK. wow

just. aughhhh

i want to know why everyone else got to see the bulk of their good side while i only ever got crumbs tossed my way

also like... ugh. idk

i dont owe them an explanation. i dont want them in my life anymore.

i already uninstalled discord off of my pc and phone

i feel a lot better bc of that

everythings on a new notes app im using now!

i just need to organize it lol

[twobookshelvesfull]

non for real I don't think any of you understand how much I love her she is THE gaslight gatekeeper girlboss she invented that shit if I lived in the spn universe I would literally probably kill myself for her. like id actually be her most devoted follower I love her

[ablednt]

Honestly though I really am in such a weird spot with my mental health that I know at least a few others are in where I have a grasp on systemhood and sharing my body strong enough that I am not going to do anything to seriously hurt it

But it's like if I were alone in here I know I would be very much high risk of shit like I don't hurt myself because it would hurt the people i love in a very physical sense and also because I would just have control taken from me by someone else I don't have a choice in the matter really.

But when I reassure everyone that I won't do anything drastic it sounds like I'm telling them I'm okay and that my mental health is doing alright and that would be a lie my mental health is really bad frankly and though I am in some ways in a better place than I was as a teenager when I didn't have the experience I do now in other ways I'm a lot worse.

It's frustrating like I tell people that suicide doesn't trigger me because it doesn't and they assume that it's because I don't struggle with suicidal ideation but really it's because it's a constant influence on me it's always in the back of my brain.

Just a lot of stuff like that? It's because of the way neurotypicals organize psychiatric help and how they define a crisis only as it effects others. Like yeah I sure am palatable to society I sure am non-threatening. I am also in a perpetual state of emotional crisis that makes me always feel a little too close to death for my own comfort though but like haha it's fine I'm not going to hurt myself and that's the only thing that matters to "pro recovery" people really/s

[denkilightning]

yknow what if i were cis id probably be like,, the most toxic person in any people circle id be in. like, id be unstoppable and i probably wouldn't even want to change ykno its technically kind of scary