#idek why i got biblical

[hueningsspam]

the writing vs the inspiration 💀

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi! Hope you're doing well. I've got a coupla questions (sorry if they've been asked before and/or are dumb)

Can I be aroace if I daydream about The One but like most of the time it's paired with a fictional version of me not me actually? Or am I just tryna be something I'm not?

Cause like I'm married rn (arranged marriage! Huzzah for culture roles amirite) and it's. Not. Goin well. I act so toxic with the guy and everything he does is like taken as a threat. Everyone says he's a nice guy and he is, probably. But every time I see his face I'm tired. When I have to talk to him, I don't want to. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't wanna hug him or touch him or look at him. He's like super bummed out cause I don't wanna do any of those things or even just be friendly with him. In my monkey brain I think I've got it figured that if I do get friendly then it'll just keep goin and goin and then I'll have to marry-marry him (biblically, if you will). I'm confused if this is just cause I don't like this guy in particular or if I just don't vibe with the whole idea of this in general. Cause I've always dreamt of a soulmate I guess. So maybe I'm just tryna use this to excuse my toxic behaviour? (The toxic behaviour in question is a lack of initiative, failure to communicate and no reciprocity of affection and even instances of revulsion btw) (everyone also keeps pointin out that I get along well with all of his family and that it's just him that I have a problem with, so it's not like I have trouble communicating it's like I choose not to)

It's only been a month and everyone says I'm bein too hasty and dumb but I've been feelin awful for so long now because of this haha. Idek why I'm sending this to you I should just get over myself and be happy with what I got

Thanks either way yo

Hey! So sorry I replied so late... I wasn't sure how to approach this, because I don't want to pass judgement on another culture when I'm not part of that culture while seeing things from the paradigm of my own culture only like it's so easy. I see too many people do it and it rubs me the wrong way so to speak. But I'll say this... As an aroace I am definitely grateful myself that I live in a culture that doesn't force me to get married (knock on wood), because I'd definitely feel similarly to you, I'm pretty sure.

I don't think you're being hasty and dumb for not feeling comfortable in a situation you didn't have a say in. I don't think it's as simple as a "get over yourself" matter like everyone in your surroundings seems to be implying. With that said, I don't know if any of what I'm saying is helping because I have no idea how much area of manoeuver you actually have in this situation, really. Maybe "get over yourself and be happy with what you've got" is all you can afford at that point. Still... You're valid for feeling the way you do.

That being said, unless he's the one who personally originated the arranged marriage, I doubt it's entirely the guy's fault either – as much as this is something anyone should reasonably prepare for, he probably wasn't expecting anything different than the stereotypical way most people say these things go. Not that it justifies expecting things to fall into this stereotypical place without considering the possible variables, but... Yeah. I don't want to tell you to do something that would potentially put you in danger, so please definitely disregard what I'm about to say if that doesn't feel like a safe option to you, but I hope you can talk things out with him on the long run so that he understands why you're this way with him. Of course in an ideal scenario he should understand on his own, but... Yeah it's not necessarily as simple, right? And I know even my whole thing of "talking things out is key" is idealistic thinking and doesn't always work. But in this case I wish it could TwT

Either way, to answer your first question... Deeefinitely nothing wrong with that. If it's anything that helps you get by on a day-to-day basis, by all means, hold on to it. If all else fails that's still the best thing. I hope you can stay as safe as you can T^T

[mumms-the-word]

15 Questions for 15 Friends

Tagged by @stuffforthestash

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not a real life person but my name is a Biblical name that my mom really liked. Except, when I asked her if I was named after the Bible character, she admitted that no, she really loved this one musical growing up and never got over the names of one of the characters lol So I guess I'm named after a character in a musical too

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? girl idek it could have been two days ago it could have been a week ago, my memory is a sieve. I don't cry often though

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No but I want kids one day. Adopted, fostered, biological, Ima make it happen one day

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? I am...so very bad at sports. I have terrible depth perception and these days my knees will kill me if I tried anything high-intensity. I was a band kid lmao

DO YOU USE SARCASM? Sarcasm is a love language to me <3

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their...vibe? I don't know how to explain it. I sort of mentally categorize people in my head based on clothing/hairstyle/any makeup/etc and fit them temporarily into boxes like "sporty, professional, feminine, etc" until I start talking to them and get a better understanding of who they are

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR? Basic blue with a bit of gray

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I can't watch scary movies because I will dream the scenarios with me in the worst possible situation :') And I hate jumpscares. Happy endings all the way tho, love a happy ending

ANY TALENTS? I can sing really well. I used to be classically trained but between getting covid twice and not keeping up with my scales and arpeggios (lol), I've lost a bit of my former range. I can also learn the words of a song in a few hours and remember it for a long time afterward (which sucks when my brain goes into Random Jukebox mode and I get a song stuck in my head that I don't even like that much but know too well)

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In a nondisclosed state in the American South where most days you experience all 4 seasons at once and every summer is like living in the devil's armpit (a phrase I've heard more than once from fellow southern denizens lol)

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? Writing, watching YouTube, playing video games...I want to get back into cooking, crafts, hiking, etc but I'm bad at managing time and where I currently live has like zero interesting hikes nearby

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Two cats! Their names are Muse and Indy

HOW TALL ARE YOU? Too tall to be a hobbit but slightly shorter than the average human gal

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? English. I was also too advanced for most of my English classes, which is probably why I liked them best, because half the time I finished the work in a few minutes and spent the rest of class reading. And now I'm an English professor lol

DREAM JOB? Book writer...Honestly being an English lit professor is also a dream job but I'm working on accomplishing that so it feels less like a "dream" and more like a future reality (hopefully). But being a published author with an established fanbase?? Oh man, that IS the dream.

Thank you for the ask!! Tagging uh.....anyone who hasn't done this yet and wants to steal it. Free tag!

[worstutfanonthingpoll]

Oh also Ink!Sans is aroace, iirc the creator said she doesn’t mind him being shipped but that none of those ships will ever be considered canon to the original Ink. Which like, that was definitely cool of her (she would’ve been fully justified in going “can you not”) but it’s pretty unfortunate that aroace representations of him by people other than the creator were like non-existent. But I mean Ink was often inaccurately portrayed in characterisation anyway, form what I’ve seen I think Underverse (an AU focused on the multiverse hopping aspect, fully animated, really cool actually if for no other reason than production value and the amount of work/dedication that goes into it) got it pretty accurate but I haven’t seen any others do so :|

Fuck yeah, aroace characters! I like to think all Sanses are some genre of aro and/or ace lol

Idek what biblically accurate Ink is like which is why I drew him as an uwu boi. I feel like it's fanon accurate tho

[wahbegan]

Fun fact about Angel NAMES okay so Angelology is a whole thing apparently mainly coming from Apocryphal works and Kabbalistic tradition and i’m pretty sure the suffix -el means “of God” and here we got tons of ‘em with names that all mean “something of God” and they all are Angels of various things like patron saints in a way, most of them have various different duties and functions and whatever but i’ve just put the one that’s probably most relevant so let’s see here 

Please note many have more than one possible translation cause this whole Biblical Hebrew translation thing i guess isn’t an exact science

Sachiel, Covering or Price of God, the Angel of Water Shamshel, Lonely Conqueror of God or Sun of God, the Angel of the Morning Ramiel, Thunder of God, the Angel of...well, thunder Gaghiel, Roaring Beast of God, the Angel of Fish Israfel, interestingly Israfel is the only one from the Quran, and is usually spelled Israfil, Four-winged Angel of Music. The meaning of his name is apparently unknown, although on the EVA wiki they translate it as “The Burning One”, I don’t know where they got that Sandalphon, Co-Brother, the Angel of the Embryo Matarael, Premonition of God, the Angel of Rain Sahaquiel, Ingenuity of God, the Angel of the Sky Iruel, (spelled Ireul in the series i do not know why) Fear of God, the Angel of Terror Leliel, Jaws of God, The Angel of the Night Bardiel, also spelled Barachiel, Kindness of God, The Angel of Hail and Lightning Zeruel, The Arm of God, The Angel of Strength Arael, Light or Lion of God, Angel of Birds, Given dominion over the air and winds Armisael, Mountain of the Judgement of God, Angel of the Womb Tabris, This one’s really tough, Tabris is...Arabic, according to one person, translating as The Emerged or The Arisen, but that doen’t exactly seem to be true? I’ve seen a lot of possible translations, but none of them seem to be exact. He is usually identified as the Angel of Free Will, apparently that comes from a Greek Occult text that identifies an entity called Tabris as the Genie/Djinn of Free Will and The Sixth Hour. He’s a very strange one.

Oh yeah and Adam just means Earth or Man and is the progenitor of life and Lilith means night-hag and according to the satirical text The Alphabet of Sirach, she was Adam’s first wife before splitting with him over wanting to be on top while they had sex and then fucking Samael (Venom or Blindness of God, an Archangel of death but also a destroyer and condoner of sin who is often conflated with the serpent in the Garden), giving birth to a host of demons called the Lilin, which is of course what mankind is called in the show so isn’t tHAT NEAT probably not idek why i’m making this naww i’m sure it’ll get....at least one solid like

[urfavmurtad]

What are some things about Judaism and Christianity that you learned that surprised you? What about polytheistic religions like native american animism, Buddhism, Shinto and Jainism? Zoroastrians? Baha’i? Yazidi?

Anon this is… such an in-depth question! Idek where to begin here. Of all those religions, I have learned the most about Judaism since I stopped being religious. What I knew about Judaism prior to maybe 5 years ago was mostly just what Islam says about Judaism. Meaning, you know, from Adam to Moses, then it skips ahead to David/Solomon/Saul, then there are some brief mentions of Jonah and Ezekiel and that’s really it.

So I didn’t know a lot, and I wasn’t very interested in what I did know tbh. The only reason why I started reading the Bible is bc I wanted to compare it to the Quranic versions of the stories and see how much Mohammed fucked them up. And that was fun but I didn’t bother to look much further into Judaism past that. The Books of Kings and Chronicles, for example, I took one look at them, decided they were boring, and didn’t read them until only a couple of years ago. That’s when I first got into the whole Biblical history thing. I tried reading a book about how the Bible was put together and realized I didn’t know enough about the Bible itself to even begin.

I forced myself to read those four books and then some of the prophet books (side note: all of the female prophets were left out of Islam, I didn’t even know they existed. Damn it Mohammed!!!). And I’m glad I did, because it changed my whole view of the Jewish Bible. It’s a history book!! Like… that’s literally what it’s supposed to be, a (legendary) history of Israel/Judah, and every bad thing that happens to them is ascribed to YHWH getting pissed off at them, but then like my friend and her trash boyfriend he always forgives them and takes them back even tho they just go on to disappoint him again. The Bible is the world’s oldest and greatest self-drag!!!

Once I actually knew the general chronology of the Biblical kings and shit I could actually make my way through this book without getting confused (mostly). Highly recommend this one for beginners btw, there is a PDF online and it’s not overly long.

And damn… I know there’s some debate about certain elements of it like the exact nature of the “documentary hypothesis” but even just focusing on the stuff that people agree upon, I didn’t know any of it before reading this, beyond there being no evidence for the Exodus/the huge kingdom of Solomon etc. I also knew that early Judaism was a system where multiple gods existed but YHWH was just their patron god, but I didn’t fully understand the process in how he got conflated with El and became the god.

More relevant to this topic, though, I didn’t understand the history behind the Bible itself. Deuteronomy being written separately/earlier than the rest and the Bible claiming that it was “found” in the Temple after like 900 years in Josiah’s time… like I had never even heard of Josiah prior to a few years ago and here I am realizing that this bitch perpetrated fraud that would make Linda Taylor proud. Tf. AND, the whole thing with Judah being way, way less developed than Israel, and Israel was actually a multi-ethnic and prosperous society, but then after the Assyrians handed Israel its ass the Judeans were suddenly the top bitch in school and wrote the whole Bible to make their former northern neighbors out to be assholes?? Wow Team Israel tbh.

Then when you get to the time of the Babylonian Exile tho you have to feel a bit bad for the people of Jerusalem, like the Babylonians were uncommonly dickish even for their time and the ppl of the city were clearly traumatized tbh… a lot of the stories in the Bible, especially those believed to have been added only after the exile, make a hell of a lot more sense when you realize the huge changes occurring in Jewish society at the time. The transition from “there are lots of gods but YHWH is our god” to “YHWH is the god” is completely understandable when you realize that people were searching for some explanation as to why they had all been uprooted and thrown out of their homes, and the obvious explanation is that, yet again, they had pissed YHWH the fuck off by worshiping other gods.

I feel like both Christianity and Islam (but especially Islam) try to separate many of Judaism’s better-known stories from the context of ancient Israel/Judah itself, presenting them as more universal stories that apply to everyone, but tbh the whole over-arching story doesn’t work unless you look at it as a history written by and for Jews who were rebuilding their religion and society in a volatile period. I’m reading this rn and it’s relevant to that topic.

It’s truly a damn shame that pretty much like 0% of Muslims have been exposed to any of this tbh? I feel like almost all scholars of Biblical history come from non-Muslim countries. I have more feelings on this subject but let me answer the rest of your question. First of all, Christianity. I read the New Testament in full a couple of years ago as well. It was obviously way easier to read because the Gospels are all different versions of the same story and the rest is just supplementary material, basically. I think the text itself is pleasant and Jesus was a chill dude. I like him. And the whole… sequence of events made much more sense after I’d read the Book of Isaiah and realized that the authors of the Gospels were viewing Jesus in light of those prophecies. Revelation is a fascinating shrooms trip. The Acts of the Apostles were fun to read, but all the letters were just like w/e. More historically interesting (if they’re real) than interesting in terms of content. Though I do think some of the content in them is very nice, idk if people know this but Muslims think Paul was responsible for perverting the (non-existent) “real” Gospel of Jesus and paint him very poorly. But I dunno, the letters seemed fine to me.

Tbh I was surprised to see how different Islam’s version of Christianity/Christian stories is compared to the “real thing”. I don’t even mean his disastrous misconceptions of Christian theology but just like… with the stories Mohammed pulled from the Jewish Bible (and the Talmud–which I also enjoyed flipping through btw, it’s like a bunch of old guys yelling at each other in written form), he gets details wrong but the overall stories are basically the same. But with the Christian stories, barely anything in the Quran is from the Bible. I think I’ve said this before but like 90% of the stuff pulled from Christianity in Islam is about baby Jesus, not adult Jesus, and even that stuff isn’t from the Bible. It’s understandable when you realize that he was listening to these stories, not reading them, and just picked the ones he liked best… which happened to be later texts. That brings me to a subject that is near and dear to my heart:

Apocryphal texts bih. I love this shit, with full sincerity and zero irony. The weirder it gets, the better. I started out just reading the ones that made it into the Quran, like the Life of Adam and Eve, the Infancy Gospels that I’ve mentioned before, and the Testament of Solomon. Then some Gnostic stuff, which I only read because it has the same substitute-crucifixion thing going on as Islam, but WHEW chile the DRUGS these ppl were on while writing this shit…! The Sethians and the Nag Hammadi library produced such treasures of crazy-ass literature. It makes me sad how so much of this stuff is just totally forgotten now that Christianity is mostly just Catholic/Protestant+Orthodox. There were so many sects and people had so many divergent ideas, some more drug-assisted than others probably!! And Middle Eastern Christianity was very diverse even in the 7th century. Some of the stories they produced had such rich lore. My fave right now is this Syriac collection:

I came across this one while looking for the origins of the al-Khidr story in the Quran. There were all sorts of opinions about who he was, bc Mohammed never really gave any details on his life, but Ibn Ishaq recorded an opinion that al-Khidr was the one who buried Adam and Allah granted him long life in return. So I looked for the source of that story and it was the story of Melchizedek in this book. Then I read the whole thing and man this would make for some weird psychedelic series or sth. It’s online, look it over and you’ll see how trippy it is.

Um… anon this is getting rly long tbh so let me sum up my knowledge of Shinto, Native American animism, and Jainism: not much!! Buddhism I have only an intro-level knowledge of, I know the basics but I don’t know more than that. The beliefs of Yazidis I don’t fully understand, but the little I know is pretty cool. From what I understand it’s a blend of pre-Islamic Kurdish religion + early Islamic influence + some other influences thrown in. It’s sad how they’re branded as devil-worshipers or w/e when the story of Melek Taus is actually really interesting and has a good moral and is way, way better than the story of Iblis. I also enjoy Yazidi architecture and that unique ribbed cone top of theirs. I hope they’re able to live on as a community after, uh, recent events.

I actually was taught about Bahai people growing up but I was told it was some heretical offshoot of Islam comparable to Ahmadiyya people. I didn’t realize it was considered its own religion until fairly recently tbh. I did read the Kitab al-Aqdas (which is blessedly short, this makes Bahai a great religion automatically!!) once. It’s definitely super inspired by the Quran in terms of style and to me clearly seems to be an attempt to make a Kinder And Also More Iranian Islam. I think it’s pretty neat. In fact I think a lot of attempts to magically make Islam “nicer” would just end up making it more like Bahai tbh. And it has a really fascinating history, with the Bab basically being a new John the Baptist and Bahaullah being the one he foretold. He even accidentally ended up in Israel lmao. I also really love Bahai architecture in terms of how diverse it is, with the only unifying feature being visual interest, and I would love to see the temple in India irl one day. India always has the best architecture anyway.

I saved Zoroastrians for last bc I have to be honest here. I tried to look into it, because it’s ancient and had an influence on Judaism etc and that makes it important. Fam I got about 3% of the way through the Avesta before giving up. I was still in the hymns part and just like… every other word was something I didn’t understand. I will go back and try again one day but for now the answer is “lol idk”.

ANYWAY… yeah… I’ve enjoyed reading about religion way more now that I’m not religious, both in terms of Islam and other religions, I can appreciate the process or w/e now that I’m not constantly trying to make it fit into Islam or panicking every time I spot something that makes me question my faith. I know a lot of atheists either fall away from religion altogether or just look at it like it’s something dumb, but even if it’s fake, that doesn’t make it worthless imo. The history itself is always worth studying.

[marcoubaldo]

Answer 30 Questions & Tag 10 People you want to get to know better!

tagged by: @bugsandchats

bassically everyone I follow has already been tagged, though, so I’m not gonna worry about that part. lol.

1. Nickname? I’ve never really had a solid nickname. Except from my mother… which is why all my bank accounts are labelled as “Monkey’s _____.”

2. Star Sign? Ummm…. I think I’m a virgo? That’s what I’ve been told. I’ve never really gotten into that.

3. Height? Gently touching 5′7″

4. Age? 22

5. BIrthday? September 17th.

6. Relationship? Yes?… I think… What exactly is the question? @starcoe

7. Favorite Band? Demon Hunter @demonhunter-blog

8. Song stuck in my head? Surprisingly none at the moment… CRAP…. Til The Day I Die by TobyMac… thanks for that… I don’t even listen to TobyMac.

9. Favorite Song? Do you want an essay? Because this is how you get an essay. Idk, totally depends on how I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s Carry Me Down by Demon Hunter, and sometimes it’s Never Gonna Give You Up. Idek. 

10. Last movie I watched? I think it was probably Spiderman: Homecoming. I don’t watch very many movies, and that’s the last one I can remember watching.

11. Last show I watched? …sigh… Okay, it was Naruto. >_>

12. Favorite show? Umm… SupernaturalGate: The Last Air Bender… The Animated Series…? Idk, I tried. Supernatural, Stargate: Atlantis, Avatar: The Last Air Bender, Batman: The Animated Series. Also South Park. And Naruto because I’m binge watching it with Sydney rn…. OH! AND AND AND SMALLVILLE. 

13. Favorite Author? Frank Peretti, yo. 

14. Other blogs? I have an opinion blog that nobody follows, but I don’t publically state the URL because I don’t want *this* blog being hate-targeted… It’s not a racist, sexist, or hateful blog… It’s just my outlet for any opinions that could easily get me in trouble within the culture of Tumblr

15. When was this blog created? Is there a way to check the specific date? Uhh…I think I made my account in 2014, but I never got on and checked anything, followed anything, or posted anything until like January-ish 2017.

16. What do I post about? Some different fandom stuff, random thoughts, and relationship stuff. 

17. Following: 9

18. Followers: 17

19. Favorite Color? Blue… been leaning towards green lately, though. Only because black isn’t actually a color. 

20. Average hours of sleep per night? Idk, my bff Jill? Like 5hrs, I think.

21. Lucky Number? I dunno… I like 2. 

22. Instruments? Guitar, electric bass, a lil’ bit of piano. Does voice technically count?

23. What I’m good at? Complaining, offending people, being depressed. Nah, umm… I’m decently musically inclined. I’m also pretty good at analyzing things and understanding how they work… just not when it comes to cars. Also, I’m usually pretty good at explaining different Biblical concepts and such. 

24. What I’m bad at? Being motivated and getting around to things. 

25. What i’m wearing? Jeans and a black DecyferDown shirt that I cut the sleeves off of. Also two rings, and a fitbit…. and shoes, socks, and underwear…and an undershirt. I really wanted to put a quote from My Immortal here, but I’m resisting the urge.

26. How many blankets I sleep with? 0-1 during the summer. 1-3 during the winter. 

27. Dream Job? I don’t really have a dream job…more just dream working conditions, I guess. I do so much volunteer stuff that I need a job with a flexible enough schedule to allow me to tend to those commitments. But I also need something with good benefits. Right now, I have the former in spades, and the latter in the crapper. 

28. Dream Trip? Idk, I’d kinda like to go to Taco Bell or something. I’m not much of a traveller, tbh… most just because I haaaaate planes. I’d kinda like to go on like an Alaskan cruise or something, tho… Rn, I’m just planning on driving down to California and going to Harry Potter world.

29. Favorite food? Kind of a toss-up between pizza, burgers, enchiladas, and sub sandwiches crafted by the hands of angels. 

30. Nationality? Well… my dad’s side of the family doesn’t have a clue wtf they are, but the side I know is Irish, Welsh, and Native Sioux. So basically I’m White and Squatty: The Nationality. My kids will be “White and Squatty 2: F*ck It, I Don’t Even Know Anymore.”

[miss-n-the-lesbienne]

92 questions A “should we know us a little better” tag RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (I'm not gonna do that but you know it right) Tagged by @letsfisch THE LAST: 1. Drink: Ice Tea 2. Phone call: my gf 3. Text message: my gf too 4. Song you listened to: Eros and Apollo by Studio Killers 5. Time you cried: A few hours earlier I guess 6. Dated someone twice: No 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: not yet lol 8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: yes 10. Been depressed: Almost 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Black, red, purple IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Ye 16. Fallen out of love: what? 17. Laughed until you cried: I guess 18. Found out someone was talking about you: uuuuh I don't think so 19. Met someone who changed you: Idk 20. Found out who your friends are: eeeeeeeeh 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don't have a Facebook GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Again, no Facebook 23. Do you have any pets: no but I want a ball python 24. Do you want to change your name: not really but I like to be called Miss N on the Internet 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: went to the restaurant with friends 26. What time did you wake up: 10:30 or something 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping I think 28. Name something you can’t wait for: my gf to join me and my family 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: she's right there 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my fucking hellish anxiety 31. What are you listening to right now: nothing 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: No? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: anxiety 34. Most visited Website: The blue hellsite 35. Mole/s: no 36. Mark/s: I have some self-harm scars 37. Childhood dream: to write tales for children 38. Hair color: dark brown 39. Long or short hair: long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: ye my gf 41. What do you like about yourself: My gayness 42. Piercings: none 43. Blood Type: Idek 44. Nickname: Miss N 45. Relationship status: Taken and idk how I did that 46. Zodiac: Pisces 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Kaamelott 49. Tattoos: I want some 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: none 52. Piercing: still none 53. Sport: karate black belt 55. Vacation: I'm in France rn 56. Pair of trainers: wtf is that MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: cake? 58. Drinking: bad stuff that will surely kill me (soda) 59. I’m about to: idk go to bed? 61. Waiting for: my gf to come over 62. Want: self-esteem 63. Get married: I guess 64. Career: I want to be a psychologist specifically for lgbt+ people WHICH IS BETTER?: 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs 66. Lips or eyes: both??? Why do I have to choose 67. Shorter or taller: Same size 68. Older or younger: Same age or a but older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: what 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant??? HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: nah 75. Drank hard liquor: I don't think so 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no are you serious I would be blind 77. Turned someone down: ye :/ 78. Sex in the first date: uuuh no 79. Broken someones heart: I hope not 80. Had your heart broken: eh 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: ye but that's how I got my gf DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: really? 85. Miracles: meh 86. Love at first sight: idk? 87. Santa Claus: no 88. Kiss in the first date: ye done that 89. Angels: I guess but not in a biblical sense OTHER: 90. Current best friend’s name: Ben 91. Eyecolor: dark brown (I'm Asian my choices are limited) 92. Favorite movie: The Handmaiden rn If you want to do this, consider yourself tagged.

[ficdirectory]

Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 36

CHAPTER 36

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Missing: 3 years, 7 months and 5 days

Seventh grade had been the actual worst.  Josh was almost failing everything, except for art and gym where he had steady As.  The only reason he wasn’t actually failing was because Dad would kill him.  No joke.  So he was barely passing the academic stuff, but whatever.  If this was gonna be his life, what would he need an education for?

In study hall, he borrowed Alexa Chen’s phone.  She reminded him of Mariana, even though, in Josh’s mind, she never aged, and was still nine.  Alexa was nice and smart and sharp.  Josh admired her.  Pretty much everybody thought they should have a thing, but Josh wasn’t interested.

He ignored the taunts that he must be gay.  (They were “sure” it must be true because of the not dating thing and his long hair - as if that meant anything - except that he was being forced to never cut his hair, and messed with so he never wanted to get close to anybody…)

Josh signed into his Facebook.  (He turned 13 last month, and basically promised Dad to be His slave forever if He kept His word and let Josh get a Facebook like the rest of the world.)  At home, He monitored Josh online like the CIA or some crap, but He couldn’t control whose phone he borrowed at school.

At Dad’s insistence, Josh had zero Facebook friends and his profile pic was of one of his shoes.  But without Dad literally looking over his shoulder, Josh could actually search for people instead of playing Cookie Land for 20 minutes a day.

Josh typed in Stefanie Foster San Diego and found zip.  Lena Adams Anchor Beach Charter School?  The same nothing.  (Seriously what was up with them that they weren’t on social media?)  Josh glanced at the clock.  Still time for one more search:

Brandon Foster San Diego Anchor Beach.

Holy shit.  There he was.  His profile pic shows him with some girl Josh didn’t know.  He scrolled down the page, shocked.  Brandon’s page had zero privacy settings - everything was set to public.  There were a billion selfies of Brandon making the same face, and 12 billion pics of him and the girl. Josh’s heart sank.  No pics of Moms.  None of Mari.  But then Josh saw the status update:

Brandon Foster

at 10:55am

Moms bday in 2 days hmu w ideas.  Srsly.  Desperate to stay off the shit list.

Josh swallowed.  He’d forgotten it was almost Mom’s birthday.  Did that make him horrible?  Or realistic?  (Why think about the birthday of a person you’re never gonna see again?)  Still, Josh always thought of Mariana on hers.  What kind of son did that make him?

Glancing at the clock, Josh saw he was down to five minutes left of study hall.  So, he didn’t let himself think, just typed:

Cant go wrong w a pic of you and any sibs.  Take a new one or frame an old one.

The response came in seconds:

Ok idek who you are and idc. You just saved my ass Josh Mitchell.  Genius.

Not really, he thought.  This many years away, and he ached for a picture of his family.  

He could only imagine Stef might want the same.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Missing: 4 years and 1 month

If nobody noticed how Josh came into elementary school half-dead those couple of times...if nobody noticed the happy kid act in 6th grade was a mask...if nobody noticed his silent slide into depression last year....then why the hell should he be surprised now?

At least once a quarter some idiot pulled the fire alarm at school - either that or they were required to be sure the kids get the shit scared out of them regularly - it sure worked on Josh.)  Every time, all of them had to go stand outside and wait for LAPD to show up, and say they were safe from the imaginary fire.

Every time, Josh made sure to stand at the front of the crowds of kids (so they could see his short ass) pulling back his Biblically long hair with a rubber band so his face was in plain view.  It was everything he dared to do without actually screaming his other name out….which was only okay, he knew, if he had a death wish.

(With the new kid around, Josh knew He wouldn’t need much reason to just off him and be done with it.  Josh couldn’t take the risk.)

Josh stood as close to the closest cop car as he could, willing the cops to make eye contact.  He didn’t trust cops as far as he could throw them, but as an alternative to certain death?  Josh knew he had to try.

So he walked out in front of a car preparing to move.  The officer honked and yelled at him to get out of the street.

For the rest of the day, Josh’s nerves were destroyed and he had a massive headache.  He didn’t do anything in class.

Let him fail.

Let him fail every damn thing.

Who would care anyway?

Level 1 was there like an old friend, and Josh stayed blank until the end of the day.  No one noticed.  Why would they?

Brandon’s voice tried to butt into his distant haze on Josh’s walk back to His house:  “Seriously?  If you fail on purpose, Moms are going to kill you.”

Josh saw the house - nothing special on the outside - and shivered: “Not if He kills me first,” he said out loud to no one.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Home: 2 months and 23 days

Walking back into Anchor Beach four years later, as an eighth grader, Jesus felt like a time machine had dropped him off.  All his friends were huge.  Mariana was way taller than him so they looked weird walking down the hall together.  Twins, but not really twins.  It bummed Jesus out.

At least the press had died down and no news people cared he was here.

“Jesus!  Where you been?” a senior asked.  He looked friendly enough but was the size of a California Redwood. Then he said, “Totally thought you died.  You’re back, though. Awesome.”

“Shut up, Sam!” Mariana said, like Sam couldn’t snap her like a twig.

“What?” Sam said.  “It’s a good thing.  I mean I’m glad to see him!”

Jesus couldn’t move.  His heart was about to hammer through his chest and he really felt like puking.

“Jesus?  It’s okay.  He’s gone,” Mariana reassured.  

Blinking, he focused in, and saw they were the only ones left in the hall.  He must’ve zoned out for longer than he thought.

“Mama put you in a lot of my classes, remember?  And if we’re not together, and you need me?  Text me.”

“Yeah…” Jesus answered.  But Sam’s words were still in his head.

Classes passed in a blur and Jesus couldn’t concentrate on anything.  But when anybody asked about Then, it was like Jesus had to listen:

“So, was it awful?” Lexi asked, sidling up to him in the hall like no time had passed since he was chasing her and Mariana on the playground.  (Lexi’s family had just gotten back from spending winter break in Honduras.  She hadn’t seen him yet, but Mariana must’ve given her a heads-up.)

Jesus shrugged.  Dr. Hitchens said he could always say he wasn’t comfortable answering, but that would just give them more to gossip about.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Oh, I’m so sorry…” she said, wrapping her arms around him.  She was taller, like Mariana, so her arm came around his neck and squeezed.  It felt like he was choking.

He couldn’t feel his body.

Lexi didn’t let go right away.  And Jesus stood there, his arms at his sides.  When she pulled back, Jesus wasn’t listening.

He only came back when he smelled Mariana’s perfume - something light and flowery - she was looking concerned - offering her sweatshirt.  He stared, not understanding.

“Put this around your waist, okay.  So it covers you.”  (Why did she look so worried?)

But then Jesus glanced down, and saw.  It was just like That Day.  When he was so scared in that duffel bag that he couldn’t hold it.

His ears burned.

“It’s okay.  I don’t think anyone saw.  Come with me.  We’ll find Mama.”

“I’ll just go to the nurse?” he asked, because he did not want to show up looking like a damn toddler at Mama’s office.

Mariana hesitated.  “Can I text her at least?”

Jesus didn’t even know she was asking him until she said it again.  

He thought of Then.  Of his fear.  Of being humiliated.  And then he heard Mama in his head from last month:

I don’t make fun of people.  That’s not kind.

“Yeah,” Jesus nodded.  

Mama took him home. Let him change.  Asked if he was okay.  What he needed.

“Can we just sit on the couch?” he asked.

“Sure.”

So, they sat.

Jesus inched closer and closer until he was right next to her.  He laid his head on her shoulder.  “I’m not sure I can do school.  I might be too dumb.”

Mama paused and thought.  “If you can’t go to Anchor Beach, we can figure something out. You’re not dumb, my love, you’re stressed.  It makes sense.”

“Does it?” he asked.

“It does.  Let’s call Dr. Hitchens.  See if she’s got an earlier opening today.  What do you think?”

Jesus bristled.  “I don’t want to…”

Mama only spoke after another long pause.  “How about we keep your 3:30 then?  That way nothing has to change.”

“I guess,” he muttered.  Even if Mama didn’t talk about it directly, it was still so embarrassing.  “Can I tell you something?  Maybe it’ll make you mad…”

“You can tell me anything.” Mama reassures.

“I really hate school.”

“I understand.” Mama said.  “And I’m not mad.  In fact, can I tell you something?” she echoed.

Jesus nodded.

“Sometimes I really hate school, too.  It reminds me of losing you.  And I hate that feeling.”

Carefully, Jesus put his arms around her, and laid his head back down on her shoulder.  “I’m right here.  I can’t be lost if I’m right here.”

“I love you, Jesus.”

He stiffened, but relaxed again.  “Yeah,” he whispered.  “I think I know that.”

[imma-dragon]

Smol lil rant here

Just to preface, I’ve started to subtly distance myself from my church and especially my church’s beliefs. I posted on facebook a picture of a compilation of names of African Americans who were a victim of police brutality in support of #BlackLivesMatter and my pastor commented something underneath it like ‘maybe look up the actual beliefs of BLM. ‘Hint’ it’s highly opposed to biblical worldviews’’. And it low-key offended me bc I know what the leaders of BLM want, but I never said anything about them. I was just saying *Black people matter and we should stop police brutality*. And then he private messaged me saying ‘I hope my comment didn’t offend you’ and I was like “Not really, I mean it’s your opinion I guess” , (Just me trying to be non confrontational) After, we didn’t really get in an argument but more of a heated debate. He ended the conversation with this message, which really irked me. “I applaud your willingness to stand up for wrong. Let me encourage you to make sure your convictions start in the Scriptures first and grow from them first.”  Like. What? No?? The Scriptures support slavery?? And homophobia??? And transphobia???   Idek it just got under my skin really badly. And my church is highly pro-life, which also really irks me. See why I want to leave? The only problem is my sister is still here and believes heavily in the church , and if I choose to stop going, she’ll get on my case and argue with me and tell me to do devotionals with her. She’s leaving for PeaceCorps in a few months, but then my pastor will text her and say ‘OP isn’t coming to church anymore. Will you talk to her?’ then (see above) will happen. And besides, I don’t want to lose all my church friends :(  I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Thank you for reading <3