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blueprint-han · 4 years

Text

pickup lines ↠ hhj ♡

↳ inspired from the song i love you by treasure. (no relation to the song idk why i was inspired)

genre: fluff type: drabble word count: 1.9 K ⇥ warnings: none except one (1) teeny tiny kiss (just a peck nothing too suggestive), lot’s of fluff and pickup lines and that’s a warning. 🥺 IF THIS DOESN’T SHOW UP IN THE TAGS THIS TIME I WILL FUCKING FUME. network tag: @stayverse

↯ note: uhfuyewhf please forgive this random outburst that overcame me, fluffy boyfriend hyunjin is just !!!!. Also my first fic woo hoo !! no particular premise of this blurb idk what this is for but i’m still gonna write it. ⇥ dawn.☀️

A long, deep sigh.

A cheek pressed against his palm, resting his head against his elbow as he stared off into space. The library was relatively quiet around him, no other sound other than the timely flipping of the page by the two other people sitting in the almost empty, spacious room.

And of course, the sound of you humming the tune that poured through the earphones you were sporting. Hyunjin could almost swear that he would fall asleep from the tune, if it weren’t for the hard wood underneath him.

Hyunjin pouted when he noticed you completely immersed in your sociology 101 textbook. Studying to be a data analyst was hard, and while it was both yours and Hyunjin’s dream job, (instead of focusing on the plethora of books lying on the table) Hyunjin found staring at the love of his life much more interesting than analyzing any sort of data.

Sunlight poured in through the open window. It was still fairly early in the morning, and while Hyunjin hated waking up early, he was more than ready to do so the moment you called him the previous night, begging him to tag along on the pretext that “it would be boring to go alone.”

And the moment you entered the library, you picked out your books and quickly drowned yourself in them, and in less than five minutes, Hyunjin found himself the one who was “bored.”

You felt a poke at the side of your arm, startling you out of your concentration.

“Hey.”

Pulling your earphones off, you smiled at Hyunjin. “Yeah?”

“You said you’d be the one bored but now I’m the one bored.” Hyunjin humphed, folding his arms across his chest. “Remind me why I accompanied you?”

You laughed, gently pinching his cheek. “Because you’re a good boyfriend.”

Being the dramatic llama that he was, Hyunjin rolled his eyes, though the subtle smile on his lips told you otherwise. “Fine finish it soon now.” He pointed before poking your arm again. “Or I’m gonna leave you and get subway for myself.”

You gasped in fake betrayal, clutching your heart as your eyes widened. It was a known fact that Hyunjin was too smitten for you, far too caring and considerate to leave you alone in the library without breakfast. And you loved to tease him about it.

Anyways, the act faltered in two seconds the moment you giggled at him.

“You’re adorable, have I ever told you that?” You mimicked his position as you faced him, admiring how he looked at the moment. Heavily lidded eyes, messy black hair, and the sunlight from behind him almost made him look like he was glowing.

At your words, Hyunjin felt the tiniest blush creep up his cheeks as he shyly admitted. “You tell me every day!”

“Well I’m going to keep telling you that, so…” you shrugged, turning your attention back to your books as hyunjin internally groaned. The library didn’t allow use of phones either, so he couldn’t just start playing around with it to kill time.

Brushing his hair off his forehead, his eyes sparkled when a thought popped into his head, a smug look on his face. Quickly grabbing his cellphone from the back of his pocket., his fingers moved against the screen — not quick enough for the librarian to notice — but at this point, it hardly mattered. The librarian was almost asleep on his table — he must’ve not adjusted to the early hours of his job very well.

When your phone dinged — signifying the arrival of a message — Hyunjin watched intently as you picked up your phone and tapped the screen a couple of times. When you grinned widely, Hyunjin knew his message had the desired affect. In all honesty, that was Hyunjin — always looking for subtle ways to tell you he loved you, and ways to keep you smiling and happy.

You reached over to push your reading classes up your nose before turning to look at Hyunjin’s direction, raising your eyebrow playfully.

Hyunjin: Guess what I’m wearing?

He had a similar grin on his lips as he silently coaxed you to reply, and so you did just that.

You: What? Your uniform? 🤭

Knowing Hyunjin, you knew that the answer would not be so simple, but nevertheless you curiously waited for the answer.

When the reply came in, the smile on your face turned into a wide, ear-to-ear smile, cheeks almost hurting with how widely you were grinning. You tried desperately trying not to alert anyone of what you were doing, but it was getting harder with how adorable Hyunjin was being.

Hyunjin: No, the smile you gave me. You: usdyuegwydedh 🥺🥺🥺 You: you cheesehead! 😘😤 Hyunjin: But I’m your cheesehead - ;D

Hyunjin, still staring at you was in a similar state. He admitted that watching you laugh and smile was something he could never grow tired of. He treasured that moment, and it always seemed like you lightened up the whole room with just your smile.

“Hey!” you looked at him, books totally forgotten as you stared into his eyes.

“They say the eyes are the mirror to the soul.” Hyunjin said, straightening up his posture as you eyed him confusedly. “You must have one beautiful soul.”

Your jaw dropped open at the sudden explosion of pickup lines coming from your boyfriend, rolling your eyes to the back of your head as you felt yourself grow coy at his compliment.

“Oh gosh, what’s gotten into you.” You whispered, slapping his arm slightly. Hyunjin smiled devilishly when he noticed your beaming face, feeling oddly relaxed — but then again, he was always relaxed when he looked at you.

“ On a scale from 1 to 10 you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need. “

You gasped, squealing as you slapped his arm yet again.

“Oh lord, your cheeseball stop being so cute my heart can’t handle this.” You pouted, and Hyunjin bit back the overwhelming desire to squish your cheeks.

He always did everything in his power to make you happy, and it never changed, even after a year of dating. The love between you was pure in every way, and you couldn’t help but feel lucky to have such a caring and lovely angel for a boyfriend.

“Come on, I need to focus now, just half an hour more?” You managed to convince him (only after giving him your traditional puppy eyes which you knew he would never be able to resist), before turning your attention back tot he book.

Twenty minutes passed. Hyunjin had found himself a book to read in the mean time, but he wasn’t the type to be patient. It wasn’t ling before he reached for his phone yet again.

When your phone dinged again, you quickly snapped your attention from where it was fixed on Hyunjin, hiding it under the table as you stealthily read the message.

Hyunjin: Can we go eat now?

You laughed to yourself, brushing hair off your forehead before replying.

You: There’s still 10 minutes left 🤭 Hyunjin: Please I’m hungry 🥺 Hyunjin: pls pls pls pls pls pls pls 🥺

You quickly looked at the watch before sighing, smiling at Hyunjin before shutting your book and stretching your arms out. You’d been there for about two hours, since your college library opened fairly early. As expected, Hyunjin let out a silent squeal of victory, quickly helping you pack up before getting out of his seat, all to eager to get out of the cramped space.

“Remind me to never tag along with you again.” He chided playfully, and like you said before, you knew Hyunjin was too soft to be able to ignore your pleas — and even if he did, you had your secret weapon: puppy eyes. You only giggled and nodded. “yeah, whatever.” Allowing him to intertwine your fingers together as he pulled you out of the building.

Once you were out of the building and walking towards the nearest subway, you decided to go the park (which was incidentally opposite to the subway shop). As you walked in the almost empty park, you munched on your sandwich slowly, whilst Hyunjin had already devoured it all. You figured he didn’t drink his coffee before coming to the library, and you didn’t bother to ask either.

Hyunjin had still not et go of your hand, and every once in a while — out of pure habit — he would squeeze it gently, just as a form of reassurance. It never failed to warm your heart.

The both of you found a clean bench under the cool shade of a tree, enjoying the breeze as you finished your sandwich; while Hyunjin simply looked around the rows of trees and plants that were planted along the edge of the ground.

When Hyunjin caught your gaze on him once again, another thought popped into his head as he smiled yet again. Personally, he had no idea how he was acting so cheesy today, but seeing your reaction did not encourage him to stop.

“Do you have a map?” You boyfriend asked all of a sudden, and you frowned confusedly. Of course, you’d let your guard down from the previous explosion of cheesiness, which only fueled it more.

“Why do you ask?” You murmured.

“Because I keep getting lost i your eyes.”

“Aghhhh,” you groaned, covering your face with your palms as you looked at Hyunjin. “Where do you even get these from?” You pouted at him.

“I don’t know, maybe you bring it out of me?” Hyunjin shrugged.

“Hmph,” You pinched his soft cheek lightly, smiling as you did so.

Next, he grinned, tilting his head to the side as he gazed into your orbs. You sensed another attack coming ahead, but did nothing to stop it, because deep down, you were enjoying this way too much.

“You know at this angle, as the light hits your eyes.” A dizzy smile on his face as he gently fixed his hair, tucking some of the strands behind his ear. “I can see myself and I look great.”

That caused you to close your eyes, erupting into a fit of giggles as your eyes morphed into the softest of crescents.

Hyunjin opened his mouth yet again, but this time, you were quick to stop him.

“Ah, no young man. No more, or I’m gonna combust.” You tucked your own hair behind your ear.

“Nooooo,” He whined, pouting as he gave you the softest look that he could muster. “One more, please? Just one. Please please please please please-”

“okay fine! One more, and then no more, deal?” You looked at him smugly, and he nodded.

“Okay so, kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?”

Hyunjin had chosen that line for a joke, expecting to get yet another slap on his arm, or a shy turn of your head. What he didn’t expect was for you to blush profusely before you leaned in, pressing a soft peck to his lips.

When you pulled away, Hyunjin’s eyes were widened as you stared at each other silently for two seconds, before you snapped your fingers in front of him, pulling him out of his daze.

“You were wrong.” You stated as nonchalantly as possible, shrugging at him as you got up, grabbing your bag as you began walking towards the exit.

“H-hey, wait for me!” Hyunjin cried, not being able to suppress his smile as he ran towards you, immediately entwining your fingers once again. And the rest of the walk was spent just like that, in peaceful silence as you enjoyed each other’s presence in the cool, moist air.

“You’re such a goofball,” You mumbled at him, gaining his attention as you rubbed your thumb against the back of his hand. And before he could even reply with his loving, playful gaze, you completed the statement yourself, eyes twinkling in content.

“But you’re my goofball.”

↯ note: i pray to every god out there please just show up in the tags for fuck sake i worked hard on this ; - ; ⇥ dawn.☀️

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lucky-draws · 4 years

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i love mr upshur and i love ur art, pls elaborate on ur miles headcanons! :D

aa hello thank u so much!! :D

we all love mr upshur,,,,here are some headcanons i’ve been thinking abt they’re probably dumb and trivial and im indecisive as fuck so i might change them but... here we go,, ig i’ll put it under a read more in case this gets long

- um, first i’m just gonna say he likes dogs.. he’s a dog person....and often when he’s out Investigating he’ll end up doodling any cute dogs he saw along the way...his notebook is full of stuff like this:

he gives every dog a rating but mostly ends up giving them all 10/10 bc he’d feel bad otherwise...

- he’s actually not a bad artist when he feels like it

- was best at art and creative writing when he was in highschool,,, decided on journalism as a career in the end but he wouldn’t have minded going to art school. now that he’s older though he takes evening classes sometimes

- i like the idea of him being a punk in high school...and i think he wasn’t just doing it for the Aesthetic he’d try to do shit like helping out at the local food banks and whatever, sticking up for people at school who got bullied even though he’s not really much of a fighter

- so he got into journalism with good intentions like he genuinely wants to try to Expose all the nasty shit going on that never gets reported

- he can definitely be a dick sometimes and pretty cocky, he’s full of snark and has a sharp tongue but i think underneath all that he’s a good dude tho

- like. after he gets posessed he’ll use his strength as the walrider to Violently End jeremy blaire and various other murkoff dicks and people like them and maybe the occasional person he just doesn’t like the look of.....

but sometimes he’ll just. use his walrider strength to do shit like help a little old lady carry her groceries or whatever. (the old lady doesn’t seem fazed she’s just like “oh what a nice young (?) man. strange that he seems to have an ominous black cloud enshrouding him but look how he easily he picked up my bags. thank u dearie”

so he’s kind of Soft underneath all the sarcasm and shithousery

- i think part of his personality is that he’s kinda obnoxious and excels in winding people up. like we know he just Slams all the doors in mount massive with no fucks given and pre mount massive he has the same energy.

- he turns up late to his evening art classes and sits at the back noisily eating chips while everyone’s trying to concentrate. if he spots someone he doesn’t like on the sidewalk while he’s driving he won’t hesitate to drive through a puddle and drench them. puts his feet on the table regardless of whether it’s his own table or that of an editor he’s bringing a story to. his default expression is usually a smirk and slightly less often a full blown shit-eating grin.

- so he’s not just a 2 dimensional asshole he knows how and when to be kind and he’s certainly an intelligent guy.

- kids tend to like him?? idk what it is about this tall asshole who looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks that fascinates them but the various kids living in his apartment block are always hounding him with questions like “what did u investigate today mr upshur did u meet any bad guys” “can you write a report about my mum she won’t let me have any more mcdonalds today can you expose her for neglecting me and put it on the front page” “hey mr upshur i got two of the same dog erasers you can have one if u like” and he can’t help but smile

...ok whew i think that’s all i got for now ghgfhgfhgf i hope these make sense,,,,thank u for letting me ramble about miles for way too long :D

#outlast #miles upshur #outlast headcanons #thank u again for the ask! 💕

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thinking-in-symbols · 3 years

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Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years. When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog. Today I thought I’d revisit that. I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames. I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station! Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this. I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things. I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic. But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm. “Proficient” is a relative term. But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages. I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this. If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused. More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what? I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial. So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish. I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently. Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room. So there’s more work to do. More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point. I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man. I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment. I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories! Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place. I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this. I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected. This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect. Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet. Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket. I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much. Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep! Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years. I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position. More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious. Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately. But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this. That’s a cool idea. I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle. I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money. No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop. That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career. Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others. No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope. I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird. Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right? Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating. So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it. I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues. Just kidding. But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done! Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French! But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao. I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself. How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post. But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done. I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever. I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this. I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive. But a van? Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort. This has actually been front-of-mind for a while. I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point. I do have other thoughts on this, though. Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term? Three months? If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school. However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet. I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through. We’ll see where this goes. It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done. It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes! :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about. I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated. But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing. So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years. Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it! Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-)

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet. I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat. Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad! I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”. I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself. The point is, they got done. That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships. I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying. And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life. I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh. I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing. I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect. These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life. I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap. Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change. I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds! Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development. The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort. For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point. It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two. The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science. Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas. I mean, I’ve done some. But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree. I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school. Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now! So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list. I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate. I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more. I know what I need to know. It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news. I’ve always been scared about entering the working world. All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have. But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term. So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done. What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished. I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest. But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life. Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK. There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames. Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

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ellemcu · 3 years

Text

Chapter 7

Words: 1584

Warnings: swearing

***********

You quietly groaned as your eyes fluttered open. There was a hard pounding in your head and your whole body was aching and burning. You slowly lifted your wrist only to be stopped by some chains. You quickly raised your head from the bed you were lying in, trying desperately to get off it. Your arms and legs had been strapped onto the floor and you were dressed in your black sports bra and your matching black shorts.

You started panicking, not remembering how you’d gotten here and what was going to happen. Flashbacks of old memories as a kid in HYDRA flooded your mind, drowning your every other thought. As a kid, you would often wake up in a room just like this. Handlers coming in the room and torturing you in all sorts of ways.

You whimpered quietly while you tried to get up from the bed, your whole body aching. You slowly stood up, the chains on your wrists starting to dig deep into your skin. You felt slightly lightheaded but you kept blinking it off, not trusting your surroundings. Your knees buckled and you crashed on the ground with a thud.

You were panting on the floor, slowly moving into a sitting position against the metal leg of your bed. You breathed heavily, trying not to fall unconscious.

After a while, your body started shaking violently. It had already happened at HYDRA after your body had gone through too much for it to handle which meant days of training non-stop.

It was very inconvenient because this was the most vulnerable position you had ever found yourself in and you couldn’t bring yourself to stop. You lied down on the floor rocking yourself at a slow pace to stop yourself from shaking even more. Your breaths became uneven and you didn’t know how to stop.

After what seemed like hours of shaking the bolted door flew open and three men with white lab coats walked in, each carrying silver cases in their hands. You had horrible memories with scientists. Doctors had always taken their anger out on you, torturing you after you fell unconscious several times in a row, pushing your body over the edge after a brainwash, just because I couldn’t fight back.

You eyed them very closely, still shaking violently, while they came closer to you. Without saying a word they started taking out their shiny suitcases, long needles. You shook your head, trying desperately to back away from them. One of them grabbed your ankles, trying to stop you from shaking and another one grabbed the chain that was tied to your wrist, tugging at it harshly. You winced in pain “No” you whimpered, while another man had wrapped his hand around your throat. “ Please.” you whispered desperately, fighting against the man’s pull. “No…… no……. please…… no…… please…...stop” you begged, a tear falling from your eye. “Stop.” you whimper, not having enough energy to fight back.

The scientist was about to take a blood sample from you when a loud voice spoke. You were too busy being choked by one of the doctors to actually hear it but the doctor froze in his spot. “Hey dumb ass you heard her. Back off.” the male voice shouted. Two of the doctors immediately got up but the one choking you still kept his tight grip on your neck. “ You really sure you wanna do that? Huh?”: The man swallowed slowly and stood up, they grabbed their things and left the room in a hurry.

You breathed in quickly, your lungs finally getting fresh air. You coughed loudly and rubbed your hands on your wrists, trying to ease the pain. A tall man walked into the room after they were all gone. A tall man that you immediately recognized: James. You crawled as far away as your body and chains let you, trying to gain control over your body again.

He slowly walked towards you with his hands raised, showing that he wasn’t armed although you weren’t gonna fall for that trap again.

You closed your eyes, concentrating on your uneven breaths. After a few seconds you opened your eyes again, only to find yourself in a small room, surrounded by tall, black walls. You finally felt at peace, your body no longer aching, no more shaking. You felt your body completely freeze (idk it's like a coma but you’re in a different place its like your inside your mind. Idek if it makes sense. Stranger things for reference.) You calmed your panted breaths and regained your brain’s control.

You woke up with a jolt. James' face was covered with a confused look. “What have you done?” you snarled. “Listen, I know what you’ve been through but-” he answered calmly, but you quickly interrupted him, scoffing at his words. “ Boy, you have no fucking clue.” you mumbled. “Listen Y/n you may not know who I am because they never made us meet. They were too afraid. We would have been unstoppable together” he replied, closing his eyes as if he was trying to forget something. “ Uh uh. Sure. I’ll take that.” you answered back, not wanting to piss him off because this was the longest conversation you had ever held with someone and you were dying to see where it was going to end. “If you’re going to hurt me, could you please use one of the first 12 methods, I’m really tired of counting new ways to torture me after 1682.” you whispered knowing that HYDRA handlers couldn’t care less but what you didn’t know was that with Bucky’s super-hearing he had heard every single word and his heart broke.

As the Winter Soldier he had heard so much about you. They constantly compared her to him which amazed him greatly, he had heard that she was unbeatable, unpredictable and impossibly well trained. No one survived your missions. Ever. He had also found out that HYDRA’s men took pleasure from touting her, brain washing her and training her for hours non stop until she would faint 6 / 7 times. They forced her to go unconscious to take advantage of her. He was absolutely disgusted.

He had been through a lot and getting out of that infinite hole had been extremely hard but you had been through way more and for a longer period of time, getting out of it alive was going to be a hard challenge.

“What do you mean?” he questioned gruffly, determined to not show too many emotions, knowing you were able to manipulate any living thing. You didn’t say anything back, scared for your own safety, knowing too well a harsh beating would be coming soon. “You are going to stay here,” he announces. “And I’m going to help you.” You looked at him with wide eyes. Sometimes the moment in which after 20 years you were finally going to be free. Finally eat a full meal, walk outside, drink water without having to worry if its poisoned or not. That thought had ran across your mind a few times, briefly though before being cut off and silenced by brainwashing.

You scoffed silently “Yeah sure why would you wanna do that huh? Why would you wanna help a fucked up, high-skilled assassin like me?"You looked straight into his steel blue eyes. “ Because why not? I mean we’re all messed up here. What difference will one more fucked up person make?” He answered back, offering his hand out to you to help you stand.

You quickly stood up but lost your balance so you ended up putting your whole weight on the nearest wall. “What did you put in me?” you whispered, more to yourself rather than him. “It's to help you with all the drugs they fed you. It's supposed to bring back your strength.” He shrugged. “This burns like hell.” you whimpered, stretching your numb legs. You wiggled your wrists, showing him the chains you were still tied to. He nodded and the chains crumbled to the ground. You both made your way out of the room and found yourself walking across an empty corridor. “What's up with everything?” you questioned, not understanding why the corridor was so homey-looking. “Oh, don’t worry we just thought you’d wanna be with someone you trust at first and… um I guess as I’ve been in a similar situation, I wanted to help you too”. He answered calmly. You looked at him deeply “I guess they’re all fucking terrified of me aren't they?” He didn’t answer you. “Well I wouldn’t blame them” you mumble under your breath. “And um what makes you think I trust you?” You question with a cold stare. “Why aren’t you scared of me?” you questioned quietly.

The man walking beside you was different. His way of thinking amazed you. It was different. He didn’t see you as a poor captured girl, a very mentally unstable woman with a very insane mind. Not a girl with severe PTSD and anxiety nor a highly trained assassin with no backstory except HYDRA.

“Nothing scares me anymore. Besides I don’t see why I should be afraid of you:” He answered slowly, a small smirk making its way on your face.

"We'll see about the trust thing dude"

**************

I am truly so sorry that I've kept you waiting for so long. A lot has happened and I really couldn't keep on writing. I've missed it tho lol. I hope this makes up for it. This wasn't exactly what I was going for but I don't really hate it so I'll just go with the flow and idk we'll see. Oh and if you have any suggestion for what could happen please don't hesitate to text me!!!

Elle

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karliahs · 5 years

Note

um for prompts idk anything specific but maybe more midoriya gettin angry over stuff and dealin?? really loved the way u handled it in something else to pretend, would love to see ur take on how he deals with more aggressive/harsher anger? idk tho

content warning for discussions of bullying and brief references to (canon) child abuse

“Why did Kacchan do that?” Izuku asks. It’s one of those shards of memory that lingers far longer than it should, muddying over years and re-rememberings, but never completely fading away.

Izuku can remember the question, his grazed knees, the sun shining on the grass. He can remember his mother helping clean him up, smiling a comforting smile and saying, “I don’t know, sweetie. I think he was angry.”

Izuku isn’t sure if the question that comes next comes from his mother, or if it’s just something he’s thought about so much over the years that it’s gotten tangled up in the memory, an unwitting passenger. “Don’t you get angry, Izuku?” someone asks.

ao3 link / continued below

In hindsight, Izuku is sure the thoughts that come next can’t be part of the memory. His five year old self wouldn’t be capable of this kind of self-analysis. But the thing is, Izuku thinks he knows what anger is. It’s not really that distinct from other kinds of overwhelmed, when the world is too loud, too much, too impatient and needling - and so he cries, because this happens every time a feeling is too large to hold all of it inside him, and ‘wanting not to cry’ is always one of those feelings, so there’s no way out.

Izuku supposes he must have thrown tantrums when he was little. Thrown his toys around, fallen on the floor, screamed. He can’t remember doing any of that.

He’s never felt whatever Kacchan is feeling when he pushes Izuku into the dirt. He tries to imagine it, a feeling bubbling over into bright, harsh action, like Kacchan’s explosions. He can almost get there, but after comes a sweep of shame that pulls him back into himself. Izuku Midoriya, quirkless and strange, who causes enough problems without pushing other children over. Izuku, who can feel the aftermath so much more distinctly than that initial explosion of anger. He can’t think about explosions without thinking about wreckage.

…

“Don’t you ever get mad?” Matsuda asks.

Izuku had been on his way to take shelter in the school library over lunch. He’d been distracted, as he walked, wondering if the doors would be open today - the library is sparse and neglected enough when it’s open, but the school’s staffing levels are such that he frequently turns up at the doors to find the whole place shut up and locked, leaving him to try and think of another place where he might be able to spend the next 45 minutes safe and left alone - so distracted that he hadn’t noticed Matsuda until they almost collided in the hallway.

He was lucky, really, that it was just Matsuda, not one of Kacchan’s true entourage, but a hanger-on who rarely missed an opportunity to take Izuku down a peg. In a class without Izuku there, it wouldn’t be that hard to see Matsuda in Izuku’s place.

But something about Izuku’s distracted expression during his taunts seems to have triggered something else, a kind of disbelieving disgust. “Like, ever?” he asks. “Don’t you ever get tired of like ‘thanks, excuse me, sorry for existing and all, good luck with the test tomorrow guys!’” He says this last past in a high-pitched imitation of Izuku’s voice, and Izuku thinks maybe they’ve returned to familiar ground, but Matsuda is still staring intently at him, seemingly waiting for an answer.

He doesn’t have one to give. Half his mind is still on those library doors, and whether they’ll be open when he gets there. The rest is fuzzed over with panic, leaving him with nothing but his polite, stammering default - which never makes it better, but silence never does either.

“Whatever,” Matsuda says, suddenly growing tired of him and starting off in the other direction. “It’s like you like it this way.”

Izuku takes a shuddering breath and turns the corner. The library doors are closed.

…

Izuku tries, later that day, once he’s safe at home, to get angry on purpose. He sits on his bed and tries to summon it up, like the opposite of meditating, reaching for fury instead of calm. For a few minutes nothing happens at all, except that he gets distracted thinking about other things and has to drag himself back.

He thinks about Kacchan pushing him down, and him never finding out why. He thinks about the look on his mother’s face when she came back from meetings during the dissolution of her marriage, meetings Izuku was kept well away from; he thinks about how hard she tried to be normal, but how her knuckles were white where she gripped her water glass.

Eventually, there’s a kind of hot, prickling feeling over his skin. He feels briefly untethered, out of his own body, and wonders if he really did end up meditating after all. Then comes a wave of nausea, so physical that he feels a prickling in the back of his throat. He remembers having the flu last semester, and the nausea that had flooded through him when he’d tried to walk just to get a glass of water - nausea that felt like a warning, like a plea; stop, whatever you’re doing, stop.

He opens his eyes to find he’s gripping his notebook in his hands, so tight he’s bent the spine, leaving little wrinkles of damage spreading out from where he’d held on. He releases his grip and tries to smooth it over, bend it back into shape, but it only looks sadder for his efforts, care shown far too late to help anything.

…

Always, at the root of anger, we find a desire for change. Izuku grips his highlighter pen, unsure. He doesn’t think this passage has much to do with the essay question he’s been assigned, but something about it peaks his interest anyway.

A person enraged is a person committed to affecting change in the world around them. If we all gave in to those desires at every opportunity, we would have a world of tyranny and chaos. However, the alternative extreme is no better - a world of stasis and apathy, drifting, stagnating. When we tell our children to banish their anger, we tell them to cut away a significant part of their own agency. When we tell this to some children and never to others, we invite a different, more incisive kind of tyranny.

Izuku is torn between a desire to slam the book shut, and the urge to try and pivot his essay in a direction that will let him analyse this. He highlights the words in yellow, realising that when he thinks of change, he doesn’t think of anger. He thinks of All Might, defeating impossible odds, saving dozens of terrified people, and doing it all with a smile on his face. What is that if not agency? Can you really not have one without the other?

…

He supposes what he’s doing is building a case, the way he always does. Trying to capture the sum of his understanding of something, so that when he needs the knowledge it will be there. The crucial, long, stuttering thinking will already be done, and in the heat of the moment he can just act.

That’s Hero Analysis For the Future , and he thinks that’s why he’s holding onto these memories too. Almost every aspect of a hero’s life affects their career in some ways; if anger does too, it makes sense that Izuku needs to work out what he thinks. Don’t you ever get angry, Izuku? Don’t you ever get mad? Always, at the root of anger, we find a desire for change. It’s like you like it this way.

Izuku wishes, for a moment, that feelings were as real and tangible as organs. He wishes he could go for a scan and have someone tell him yep, anger’s right there. It isn’t enlarged or shrivelled. It isn’t inflamed or sickening. It isn’t poisoning everything around it.

…

He asks his friends, now that he has friends, specifically targeting those who are more on an even keel - he already knows he can’t relate to big, obvious anger.

“Sure, Deku,” Uraraka answers. “Everyone gets angry.”

“What does it feel like, when you are?”

“Are you gonna take notes?” she teases, but then she’s concentrating, tapping her fingers together, trying to figure out how best to describe it. Izuku still isn’t used to this; if you’d asked him to predict what Uraraka would give him, even though he thinks the world of her, he assumed he’d get a quick, uninterested comment at most. Either his UA friends are so much better than most people, or his calibrations for what friendship is are all off; Izuku suspects it’s a little of both.

“I guess I have two types of anger?” Uraraka muses. “Like, there’s…determined anger? Like at the sports festival, I just got really fired up and wanted to win so bad!” She makes a fist, as if to demonstrate, and man, Izuku likes her so much.

She lets her hands drop. “Then there’s the kind that’s less fun. Like…when your heater is broken and you’re mad that it’s broken, and that you’re cold and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Your heater isn’t really broken, right?” Izuku asks. “It’s been getting really cold out!”

Uraraka gives him a warm smile. “No, Deku. It’s fine.” He stares at her smile for a second too long, trying to grasp the idea of Uraraka being really, truly angry. He thinks it’s like how no one can really know that they’re seeing the same colours everyone else sees. For all he knows, they’re feeling totally different things and giving them the same name; he can’t imagine Uraraka feeling anything in the disjointed, sickly way that rage finds him.

…

Ashido is his next target, and she laughs before realising he’s serious. “Anger feels like anger, you know?” she says idly. “Like…” She holds up her hands in a claw-like gesture, and makes a kind of ‘rrargh’ noise.

Izuku must look slightly disappointed, because Ashido sighs and throws up her hands. “I don’t know, man! I don’t like to think about it. Everything is stupid when you’re angry, and I’m always there, so it’s like I’m stupid. The stupidest thing in all the stupid.”

She looks down at her shoes as she talks, and it’s so unlike the Ashido he knows that Izuku wants to apologise for having asked. Before he can, she lightly punches his shoulder, giving him a smaller, more subdued version of her usual bright smile. “You don’t always gotta dwell on stuff, you know?” she says. “No one’s gonna give you points for it. Chin up! Plus ultra!”

She skips away, and Izuku feels like he understands her both more and less than he did five minutes ago.

…

He doesn’t actually plan to ask Todoroki, but he’s in Todoroki’s room taking back his notes for English class when he finds himself doing it anyway.

“You…get angry sometimes, right?”

Todoroki blinks at him. Slowly, deliberately, he lifts his left hand, cupped in a way that makes Izuku anticipate flame, makes him aware of the ghost of it among his fingers.

“Yes,” Todoroki says simply.

“Yeah,” Izuku says, wanting to smile to soften things but not wanting Todoroki to think he’d been making fun of him. “I’ve been asking a lot of people. People in our class, I mean.” He fidgets with his hands for a second. “I think I’m doing it wrong? I don’t know if I have too much anger or too little, but…I don’t know. I think there’s something wrong with me.”

Todoroki waits patiently while he speaks, all his attention fixed on Izuku. Izuku thinks that’s one of the reasons he likes Todoroki; even for all of his ambition, he gives off this impression of patience that makes it feel okay to talk, to talk imperfectly and at length, now that he’s past Todoroki’s initial barriers. The other ambitious people Izuku knows, himself included, aren’t like that - he’s dogged, determined, but not patient. It comes from starting so far behind everyone else, making it feel as though no movement is ever really fast enough.

Todoroki thinks for a long moment before replying. “It can’t be worse than what’s wrong with me.”

Izuku gives him a small smile. Kind things hover in the back of his mind, wanting to offer reassurance, but he knows from experience that when you offer some glimpse of how you feel about yourself, sometimes the best thing to receive back is just space and acknowledgement, instead of attempts to convince you otherwise that mostly just make you regret speaking up in the first place.

Izuku knows he’s so behind with this, too; having friends, talking to people, trying to give them reasons to be glad that they talked to him. But maybe Todoroki would understand that, out of all of his friends - maybe they can muddle through together.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately,” Todoroki offers, and Izuku thinks maybe he made the right choice after all. “I used to want to never be angry, so that I’d never act like my father. Now I think if I don’t get used to it, get control of it, I’m more likely to make the same mistakes he did.”

Todoroki flexes his left hand, frowning.

“You’ve come so far, you know?” Izuku says, before he can stop himself.

Todoroki meets his eyes. He’s familiar and strange all at once. Even now that they’ve spent more time together, Izuku can so rarely predict what Todoroki will say or do, just that he likes him, likes the strange angles of him, likes that for some reason he chose Izuku as the subject of his honesty.

“It doesn’t feel like it,” Todoroki says, but there’s a softness there, like gratitude.

“I don’t know if it ever does,” Izuku answers, thinking of all the times this year he’s been told that he’s making progress, and how sometimes he’s still convinced that he’s exactly the same on the inside; the same friendless nothing who spent his lunch breaks cowering in the library. “I just feel so guilty for being mad,” he says. “Even if I just sit with it and don’t do anything, it feels so…dangerous.”

The notes in his hands bring him back to that day in his room, trying to be angry on purpose. “One time I messed up one of my notebooks when I was angry, and even though it’s just paper, I felt so bad…I can’t think about anger without thinking about damage, you know?”

He looks up from the notes, from his own scarred hands, to find Todoroki watching him with a new intensity in his eyes. Immediately he wishes he hadn’t spoken, because of course Todoroki knows more about damage than he ever will. “I’m sorry-” he starts, but Todoroki shakes his head.

“I didn’t know anyone else thought about this the way I do. Especially you.”

Their eyes meet again and Izuku finds himself smiling, just from having spoken and been understood - it was still wonderful and new, every time, each moment where he realises he really does have friends. “Maybe there’s a class we can take?” he jokes.

“I think that’s just therapy,” Todoroki says, sounding thoughtful and disappointed in equal measure. “Tell me why you think you’re doing it wrong?”

Izuku gently sets the notes back on Todoroki’s desk, realising with another little leap of joy that he won’t be leaving for a while yet. He takes a seat and starts to talk about being five years old, about the time Kacchan pushed him over and the only explanation anyone could offer was anger.

#bnha fic #asks #itsa-mi #izuku midoriya #thank you for the prompt!!

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singingcookie · 4 years

Note

HELLO YES CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT ADORABLE CARRY AND HOW THEY DIDNT REALIZE HE WAS STILL HOLDING HER AT FIRST PLS AND THANMK

Ah yes. So like, fun fact: this chapter also turned out really different from its outline. Well. Everything but the last scene turned out really different. But I have fun stuff about that and pretty much everything else so...another outline comparison?

Obviously spoilers for chapter 21 of DoJ under the cut

Back to Ochako’s pov

This should start up incredibly chaotic. The sound of screams, being bumped into from people scurrying either to or from the where the flames are congregated. Ochako’s nose is burning from the smoke, and she has to cough to even take a deeper breath in.

Details are hard lol! I tried writing down notable sensory details to get me going but it still took ages to write the first page or so. Finding ways to word the images in my head and have them come across so hectic was really hard for me 😩

There’s a question of what they should do when Deku’s phone rings. It’s Todoroki. Ochako stands close to Deku’s side to try and listen but she can barely make anything out with all the commotion going on. She almost contemplates asking for speaker but, all things considered, that obviously wouldn’t fare any better. Deku mostly just seems to be agreeing and listening until he finally says that they’ll do their best and hangs up. Todoroki said that Iida had called Aizawa immediately. They were closer to the havoc and they’re helping lead the effort to get civilians to safety and any possible need for triage. Luckily a decent number of the class was already nearby so some are fending them off and other are helping with the effort to grab civilians.

So as you can see here things............deviated. A lot. I had a really hard time actually planning out how this chapter was gonna go and I pretty much wrote up this part of the outline going “okay this is probably gonna change but these are the basics. The basics I have to get across.

So as you can see, originally I thought of having izuocha like....idk too far away? Too in shock? To jump to action. Which was, honestly, very dumb on past me’s part but they were quick to say “fuck you we’re helping” like of course.

They wanted to rush over to deal with the trees and help but I was standing there like these guys are so far away how tf is this gonna work. And that’s when it was like “omg, bridal carry.”

I think I had to break from writing after deciding that though. And I was telling my little sister about it while we were in the car. And we kind of mutually came up with the scene. We played around with the scenario a little bit, and it was originally a jokey thing. But after we talked about it, and she agreed (as a Tododeku shipper) that she thought it flowed well and made sense, I decided to include it. It was so vivid though we could both imagine as a scene in the manga so a day or two later I decided I had to commission it.

I’ll be forever grateful that @jellojolteon was up for the task and did it so so wonderfully. 💖💖💖

We also were joking around about the Momo thing and after telling @savetheirhearts-midoriya about it but saying I thought it was too goofy to include, she told me I had to include it. And who was I to refuse? Lmao

Looking back on this though idk how I thought that that it was gonna be chaos but still chill enough to be able to have a phone call smh. Luckily I’m not super strict on my outline being the end all be all lmao

I definitely like the way it turned out a lot better though. Did a good job with showing the class’s self reliance. Especially considering they’re in third year now. It shows off that they have this kind of thing down pat now. Kinda like how the Big Three came off in canon.

They decide they should try to tell other civilians where to go (maybe check how long the street usually is in Kanagawa for the festival) in the midst of that, they see Toogata and Amajiki with Eri. They explain they were with Aizawa but he felt it might be best if they go to safety with the others. They didn’t want to leave Toogata and Eri alone but Amajiki will go back into the fray once he’s guaranteed they’ve made it safely. They explain where to find Aizawa and they take off.

Maybe include a conversation with Ochako saying that, all things considered, at least this attack is happening where a handful of pros and a majority of the 3rd year hero course were out tonight. Deku wonders if that’s really much of a relief. “Was it just a coincidence or…?”

Ochako blinks in surprise, about to stew on that thought a little more when there’s a scream just up ahead. A little further ahead, there’s two girls, twins from the look of it. One is on the ground, unconscious and disheveled as well as a bloodied arm.

ooooooh right, again, more differences here. I never altered the fact that I changed the setting in my outline LOL. Mostly because I knew and it seemed pointless to change something so small when I already know lol. I wanted to include Eri a little here but when I thought about it it just felt like it would slow down the pace of the scene. And it just felt too....pushy? Idk something about it just felt off. So I decided to cut it. I also changed where Aizawa came into play but I’ll get to that in a few lol.

Second and third paragraphs though are the same. I knew I wanted to highlight the fact that is was very likely targeted.

Aizawa arrives right as they do and they ask what happened. The sister explains that they were wandering around the festival looking for her boyfriend who was further down. She started to go off ahead, but some crazy girl popped out of the alley and attacked her sister. She ran off before the twin could come back over. She tried to stem the bleeding but--

Ochako says they’ll take it from here as she goes to join the girl on the side with the bleeding arm. She says that she feels bad doing this since Inko worked so hard but she tears off some of the bottom of her yukata, to wrap the wound.

Alright so, I changed where Aizawa came in mostly because I felt like, upon, writing it, he would be coming from further into the festival than they were. And they’re up toward to front, so it only made sense to have him show up late....not to mention that he might notice that the girl (Toga) was acting a little off. So I had to limit his exposure LOL

The story was pretty much the same and, real talk, I wanted an excuse to free up Ochako’s movement since a yukata is a little limiting. But I definitely wanted to feel the ache that came with messing up something that we spent so much time waiting for. I went ahead and added some details about Toga looking a little too long before this next part just to drive home that something really doesn’t feel right about this girl...

The twin watches her, seemingly entranced, an unblinking expression on her face. “You really know what you’re doing, don’t you?”

“Oh well, I’m a hero in training!” Ochako’s a little embarrassed. “It’s all in the job.”

“We should get both of you over to triage,” Deku notes, looking toward Aizawa. This seems to snatch the other girl’s attention from Ochako’s deftly moving hands. “They can help check on her properly there.” The sister suddenly jumps to her feet, suddenly remembering her boyfriend’s further ahead and alone. She has to go find him and takes off

“Ah wait!! Eraserhead, Uraraka-san, I’ll go make sure she’ll make it okay, be right back!” He takes off too.

Pretty much the same, as far as what’s conveyed, I think. Especially highlighting that something’s wrong with this twin and that Ochako’s uncomfortable. Though, here I didn’t spell out the latter as clearly as I felt it during outlining.

Main difference is who’s saying what and--again, tbh I like how the final result came out better. Toga pretty much dips as soon as Aizawa shows up. Because 1) Aizawa’s caught her in the act before (during Overhaul arc with Rock Lock) and 2) his quirk immediately takes off hers. So she knew she had to get out ASAP once she saw who it was. I also changed Deku’s “be right back” because what the point of coming back if they’re taking the passed out one to where triage is? Dumb lol

Ochako wonders if she should maybe use her Quirk on the woman to help make it quicker for them to transport her. Aizawa says he’s not sure that’s necessary. He doesn’t want to send her or Midoriya off alone because it sounds like a lot more of the League than what they’ve actually seen. And...yeah, it’s awfully weird that they haven’t really seen a lot of them. Did they really concentrate their attack closer to the entrance? But then there’s the person who attacked this woman--

Her thought is cut off when Aizawa continues, “And if I go to take her, you won’t know when to release your Quirk. It’s probably better not to”

The first part of this is confusing--likely because originally I planned on Deku coming back but once I realized that was a little futile I had to rephrase how this was worded lol. But no matter what I didn’t want anyone to think too hard about who was doing the attacking yet (I figured people would get it by then but I still wanted to keep it low profile).

The girl between them suddenly wakes up, startled, and they assure her that they’re heroes on the scene. “It seems you were attacked and passed out from the fall or possibly received a blow to the head.”

“And you guys got rid of her?”

“No, the villain seemed to take off when your sister came over to help.”

“What? But--”

“Oh, don’t worry, she’s okay! She went to go find her boyfriend but she and our friend’ll be--”

“No, that’s.” She looks between them seemingly more dazed and confused. “I don’t have a sister.”

Aizawa says that she received a blow to the head. It’s possible that she has a concussion and she’s a little confused. “No, I’m telling you I don’t have a sister!”

“I’m an only child, and I came here alone!”

This whole exchange was more or less the same. To be honest, most of this last scene is lmao. This scene (unlike the rest of the chapter outline) was super vivid when I planned it out and whenever scenes are vivid, they almost always play out exactly the same as my outline lol

That said, chapter 22 is incredibly vivid so. Prepare yourself 👀👀👀👀👀

“But she looked just like you…” Twins. A crazy girl. She happened to be unconscious and...had a blood wound. Just like her.

She pales. No way. She doesn’t want to believe it. Not even a little. But her body moves before she can think, taking off with no heed to Aizawa calling after her.

Deku-kun!!

This was, again, near exactly the same because it was such a vivid image in the planning stage that it carried over well into actual writing. For a little bit I debated whether I should actually name drop Toga but ultimately I was like “the readers are smart, I don’t have to hold their hand about it!” So I trusted yall to put two and two together lol

But yeah, that about sums it up!! The notorious scene actually only happened because of Izuocha wanting to help and me and my Tododeku shipper sister sitting in the car in the BK drive thru if I’m not mistaken lmfao

#ask #Kat #adventures in writing #Drops of Jupiter #Kelly replies #thank you for sending something and sorry for going overboard again #ily Kat!!!#vixensheart

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the--ghost--king · 5 years

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Spider-Man:Far From Home

Hey so I just saw Spider-Man: Far From Home. And I got like mildly spoiled beforehand about the end credit scene but that didn't take away from the story at all so time to dive the fuck into my ramble anger.

The movie is phenomenal. I was shacking and anticipating and on the edge of my seat the whole time but that doesn't mean that I don't have things that bothered me about it.

First, let's talk about Tony Stark and how his death has impacted Peter. Peter is unsure and doesn't really know what to do with himself at the start of the film which is completely understandable. He's still mourning, Peter doesn't feel ready (the scene with the reporters shows this expertly when you contrast Peter handling the Press and Tony handling the Press) which is completely understandable. He's 16, he's just come back to life and everything is strange and confusing. He's vulnerable as Hell this whole movie and a fuckton of people abused this vulnerability.

First of all, I'm just gonna start about Nick Fury and the second after credit scene. Talos was Fury all along which makes sense with how to an extent Fury didn't act like himself and missed certain things etc but that doesn't excuse the manipulative behaviour he exhibited towards Peter. Maybe it's just me but I was quite angry with how Fury kept pushing Peter towards taking the mantel of 'New Iron Man'. I get that He (Talos) was probably working with some loose orders and figured this was the best course of action because Tony left Peter the glasses but the way he went about it is all wrong. We don't expect Nick Fury to be a nurturing presence or anything but making Peter feel like he's failing the world and more importantly letting Tony down by not taking on the 'Iron Man' Mantle is fundamentally wrong in my opinion.

You can't tell an emotionally vulnerable teenager that his mentor figure, who has just died, would be inexplicably disappointed in him if he didn't do something he (the teen) is afraid of/ doesn't feel ready for/ doesn't want to do yet. It's upsetting that Tony's legacy and his death was used as a manipulation tactic like this. That it's Talos and not actual Nick Fury excuses some of his actions, Talos is maybe less aware of earth costums or is maybe playing up the 'Hard-Ass Nick Fury' idea but that's also kind of unbelievable because we know that Talos is rather empathetic by nature because of his family. He has it in him to be cruel but wouldn't do so unnecessarily and lovely reminder: Peter is a child. He might be a superhero but he is still a child and they should have taken a different approach towards getting Peter to rethink being involved in all this. Because the way Talos(Fury) just made Peter be involved by changing all these aspects of his trip that he can't control must feel very violating to Peter as well. He seemingly has no control over his life at all and it's fucking awful.

Now that we've got that out of the way it's time to fucking talk about our favourite motherfucker Aldrich Killain Quentin Beck. (I'll talk about Iron Man 3 and General Iron Man parallels in a bit) either way Quentin Beck aka Tony Stark inconvenienced me that one time and now I'm willing to Kill Children -Man number 700. Is this just going to be a thing in Spider-Man movies, all villains are going to say it's Tony Stark's fault they're doing what they're doing whilst they're fully functioning adults with autonomy(??????) (Is it obvious that I am Mad). Either way.

Quentin Beck is mad because Tony used his holographics technology and called it BARF. Sounds like a fair thing to be mad about when Tony seemingly didn't give him any credit for it. I use seemingly here because we don't have the full story. We just know what Quentin told us which is that Tony did something that upset him and Quentin figured the best course of action was to become the next Big Superhero and kill a bunch of people in the name of his goals. ( *cough* Killian *cough*). Also William from Iron Man 1 working with him is a fun little Easter egg but it also makes no sense that he'd somehow hate Tony because Obadiah yelled at him. Like what's the thought process there? Do we actually justify this? Doesn't Marvel know how to give people proper motivations for their actions? Maybe I'm just salty (and like I'm biased because I love Tony Stark) but still. Beck called him a drunken manchild (which a lot of Tony antis do) and then disregards all the good Tony has ever done for the world and how he's been growing and changing and trying to do better since IM1 and how that culminated in his death in Endgame to instead focus on the things he did before he decided to turn himself around (like a lot of Tony antis do).

Mysterio's entire motivation is based on him misinterpreting Tony's character. Tony did one thing that was detrimental to Mysterio and then Mysterio made a huge leap and just said, 'Y'know how I can best get my revenge over this tiny little thing that most people would either go to court over or go to the press with to gain public trust/opinion to ruin their opponents reputation? Making myself an elaborate superhero and not caring about casualties because they're for the greater good.'

Basically I'm done with people making Tony responsible for their actions when they made these radical choices completely on their own without him ever doing anything but upsetting them in one way or another.

I'm not saying that Tony didn't do anything wrong in this scenario (if we were told the whole truth and Tony stole someone else's idea for no good reason, which, knowing him, sounds fake) but I am definitely saying that Beck could have done literally anything else to get back at Tony especially if he had like 5+ years to think of his evil revenge plan.

So next up is first me being slightly mad about the Spidey-sense being called the 'Peter-tingle' and how it's really not explained how it works in the movie (maybe it was but I just missed it) either way, it was very funny but also mildly upsetting.

And then the last thing I'll complain about is the mid-credit scene. I'll talk about the whole Peter/MJ romance subplot later but I want to specifically concentrate on the identity reveal. I'd been spoiled for this but only a little. I knew they would paint Peter as the bad guy and they set the whole identity reveal with The Daily Bugle (well done on that) up by showing us William grabbing the USB-stick and this being done makes a lot of sense with Mysterio's character bc he was a conniving bastard who'd obviously have contingancy plans. I'm not mad about how the reveal was done or that it happened necessarily. Overall the scene was handled very well and was very impactful. I'm just kinda upset because Peter just gets thrown into this new thing and never gets a break and I'm upset about what they want to do with this information now.

Side note: they also foreshadowed the identity reveal when Peter was talking to May and Happy by making it look like he was maybe talking to a camera or something (clever shot Marvel).

But now my issue with the world knowing Peter's identity: It's going to Fuck his life over immensely, especially because the world thinks he's evil. The Next Spider-Man film (and I'm pretty sure the last one) is going to come out in 2022 and I'm pretty sure they're not going to mention how the Spider Man conflict is handled in other movies. Which means they'll have to fix that up in the next Spider-Man movie somehow.

In the comics some peope of the New York public disliked the Neighbourhood menace Spider-Man because of J.J Jameson and The Daily Bugle and how they talked about him being distrustful but the world didn't know who Spider-Man was, so Peter could live his life normally without Spider-Man debilitating him. In this timeline (fucking earth 616 Marvel who are you kidding, also does this mean that that was actually a lie because motherfucking Mysterio made his story up???) The world Knows that Peter is Spider-Man and he has no one to protect him, he's on his own, completely and he's not ready.

That's a huge thing in the film. Peter isn't ready but everything around him seems to push him to be without regarding what he wants at all and then the reveal happens. Idk if this made complete sense but the lack of agency Peter gets over his life especially with Beck pulling this shit is astounding and Marvel will have to somehow fix this by the next Spider-Man film and sell that convincingly and I don't like their prospects at all.

So now we're going to talk about things I liked about this movie:

The MJ/Peter romance. It was great and made a lot of sense. The way that MJ had issues with being vulnerable. Peter "Hopeless Romantic" Parker. How Peter just really wanted to get the girl and have something nice for himself after all the bad shit that happened. Their romance made sense and although I don't like love triangles the whole Brad thing was pretty funny and did have us on the edge of our seat sometimes. The romance was a subplot but it was a part of the story in a way that seemed very organic and it added to Peter's story and character without taking away from the bigger story.

Next thing up: a loose list of Iron Man 3/ Tony Stark parallels. (Which made me a very happy lad)

Tony lost his suit in IM3 and has to work around this, Peter loses his suit and then also has to work around this (although he gets help ig). (Very thin I know)

The villain being a deception somehow. Aldrich Killian being the manderin and Mysterio being the bad guy.

The way Peter just started rambling about the multiverse and science the moment he heard about it.

Peter ghosting Nick Fury

How Peter made his suit on the plane and configured a bunch of things and used the holograms so organically. (did you see how Happy looked at him it was so obvious that he was fondly thinking 'wow he's just like Tony')

Other things:

Peter swinging a vaguely hammer-like object whilst also holding a vaguely shield-like object

Peter holding a vaguely shield like object in another battle scene

The entire May/ Happy romance

NED AND BETTY

Brad (Also the Peter is half naked with this random lady scene had Issues but I've been mad about this movie over enough shit already and someone else has already talked about it for sure)

Their teachers

Flash loving Spider-Man and still bullying Peter.

Flash being a vlogger

The fact that they called it 'The Blip' sounds a little dumb but it grew on me.

Also the acting in this movie was phenomenal. Mad respect to Jacob, Zendaya, Jake, Samuel and Tom they captured the characters really well and every scene was good.

I loved all of the super unsettling and upsetting illusions Beck showed Peter (fucking Tony's grave and that goddamn skeleton of decay Iron Man crawling out of it was Art)

Also the second end credit scene with Nick Fury in space was funny. Nick deserves a break.

It might have seemed like I was shitting on the movie a lot but I honest to God loved it. It's just that me, this boy, is a whiny little bitch and nitpicking is one of my favourite hobbies.

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procrastilate · 5 years

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hi!! I was wondering if you have any tips to remain focused while studying or in class because I zone out very often and I really wanna change that but don’t really know how 😬

hello! i am so sorry for replying to this so late, but it did give me a chance to think about it.

i think the first thing to look at is whether your lack of concentration is exclusive to studying or whether it’s wider. i find that the wider it is, the more possible reasons (and solutions) there are for it.

i’m kind of going to answer for both scenarios, though.

general lack of concentration is caused by so many things and a symptom of so many things ( i can’t say whether you have anything associated with it. if you think you do, talk to someone that knows better than me) but i think the most important thing to look at is the basics, like core human functioning basics. it comes down to two questions.

are you sleeping well?

we all know sleep is good for us but sometimes it doesn’t happen as much as it should (i am guilty). i think tips for getting to sleep is kind of a whole different subject, but if you’re not getting enough sleep, chances are you can’t concentrate.

are you eating well?

i don’t wanna get too into this because it’s hard for me but ‘eating well’ has no set definition. it doesn’t mean eating only apples or skipping meals. it means balance. you don’t have to have some instagram lookin bowl of grain to ‘eat well’. i don’t really know how to offer tips for this but if you’re not eating enough or not getting enough of a certain nutrient, your brain is gonna be more focused on keeping you alive and other bodily goings on than what your teacher has to say. gotta keep ur blood sugar up, friend. idk eat some long lasting carbohydrates. they’re good.

those are like super simplified and possibly not applicable to you but i’ve written it now.

for focusing in class or while you’re studying, there are some things you can do then and there. unfortunately, humans suck at focusing for a long time so for independent study i would absolutely completely 100% advocate for taking breaks. pomodoro is talked about for a reason. i know it can feel unproductive to leave your desk and have a cup of tea but i swear that is so much better than sitting at your desk thinking about other things and being frustrated that you can’t concentrate.

class is a bit harder. classes are generally still longer than human brains are comfortable with. it’s hard work sitting in a room for an hour listening to someone talk about something you may or may not be interested in and actually having to process that information.

i’m gonna do some quickfire tips that may or may not be helpful but i hope they are but might not be

1. fiddle with something

i know this might seem like more of a distraction but it helps me so much in sort of keeping me ‘in the room’. it’s like how if you’re a pen chewer you feel more productive when you’re chewing your pen.

2. engage with the class

i’ve never really been any good at this myself but asking and answering questions in class is kind of a guaranteed way of keeping you engaged.

3. sit somewhere with less distractions

i’m personally super sensitive to sounds so hearing people constantly walk past or the radiator buzzing are things that really don’t help me concentrate

4. put your phone on do not disturb

5. i know this isn’t possible everywhere but if you’re in class and really can’t concentrate, asking to go to the toilet might help give your brain a break. even if it’s just to walk there and back and come back topped up with concentration.

6. mindfulness

i’m not mindfullness savy but it might help you to get out of the ‘zone out’ zone.

7. if you can’t concentrate because you’re bored because the work is tedious, ask for something harder to try.

8. notice things

this doesn;t make a lot of sense but i think a good way to tackle anything is to notice it. notice when you’re zoning out. notice what the content is when it happens. think about what the differences are between classes or times when you don’t zone out. is there anything besides that causing you to zone out?

sometimes zoning out is the best thing for us to do. sometimes it helps the time pass and sometimes it helps ease people in an uncomfortable situation. ultimately, it happens. if it’s really affecting your productivity and ability to function, talk to someone.

i really want to stress looking at the basics. honestly, they are so so so important and have such a huge impact on everything and i know i’m a hypocrite but i really would like to stress how important they are and how easily they can slip if they’re not part of your routine.

anyway here’s an unnecessarily long answer. i hope at least some of it is helpful and i hope you find ways to stay focused when it’s required of you.

i hope you have a great week and that you’re well.

tAkE cArE oF tHe bAsiCs

#answer #concentration #advice #help #i don't remember what's in my tag list #oh well #have a cool daY #stay safe x #Anonymous

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whatever-the-fucky-i-writes · 6 years

Text

Shadows Dance - Part 4 (Final)

Word Count: 3,676

Pairing: Bucky x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Death, Mentions of torture, Blood, Swearing, One mention of drug use

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Series Masterlist

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from the MCU.

Tags: @beccaanne814 @winterbvrnes

Author’s Note: This is it! It feels almost surreal? Idk, this was a WIP for so long and now it’s out there and it’s complete and it’s a definately a feeling I’ll have to get used to. Thank you all so much for the likes and reblogs and the support! It means so much to me! A special note for this last chapter - even though I based this series off a Linkin Park song, I may or may not have also taken a little inspiration for this last part from Javert’s song Stars and Javert’s Suicide (don’t worry, I don’t include any form of suicidal thoughts or actions in this fic, it’s just the song’s title) from Les Misérables. I hope you all enjoy this last part!

Previously: “Yes, a thousand times yes. I understand what I’m doing. I want this. I want… us. We need to be whole to do this.” The glass seemed to disappear as she said, “Then bring it here, sister.” You both walked the couple steps to each other as you met her in an embrace. You could feel her becoming one with you as a dark glow enveloped you both. And you knew that there was no coming back from this. You just hoped it worked…

The whole thing felt like a few minutes to you, but in truth it was only a few moments. And when you opened your eyes, they were pitch black. You summoned all of what little energy you had left to turn around and knock Major’s gun away before you slammed your hand into his head and held it there, your palm in contact with the center. You concentrated on the bright energy at his center, making it flow out of him and into you, your darkness consuming it. After a second, it was over and his body fell to the floor, his skin a deathly grey as you took a deep breath, reveling in the energy you had consumed, now hungry for more. The agents who had simply stood there in shock now seemed to be coming back to their senses. A devilish smirk grew on your face. ‘Oh, this is going to be… fun,’ you thought.

Black energy swirled around your hands as you let your anger and rage at what they had put you and your Bucky through consume you, summoning forth the shadows and bidding them to do your will. Shadowy hands that resembled wisps of smoke emerged from the walls, pulling the soldiers into the blackness you had summoned, giving you their energy which you used to create shadow warriors all around you to fight the agents you could not. You began cutting down their ranks, each time consuming their energy. Some of them you simply shot, you had no need for their life force. But with others you indulged yourself, feeding the hunger which, in the furthest recess of your mind, you knew would become a constant companion in the times to come. But the hunger was all-consuming and you didn’t even register that fact. You just continued to feed and feed and feed. Any bullets that were fired at you were swallowed up by their own shadows. You and your warriors worked in sync. They held off the Hydra agents that attempted to get to you until you got around to killing them. And if they did happen to kill an agent, no matter! Their energy was simply transferred to you. And you couldn’t be bothered to see it, but all Bucky could do was watch you fight in both awe and horror. For you were truly a force to be reckoned with as you cut down every last Hydra operative.

A few minutes later, all that was left of the masses of agents were their grey bodies strewn about on the floor. You looked around and marveled at your work, basking in the glory, your hunger finally sated… for now. You were so caught up in your reverie that you had completely forgotten about Bucky’s presence, until he shifted as he tried to stand up. Your head whipped to the side, your eyes still pitch black. All you could see was how bright his energy was, how it throbbed, beckoning to you as you slowly stalked over towards him. Panicking, he put his hands in front of him, pleading,

“(Y/N), please, no. You know me! Bucky!” But his pleas fell deaf ears and you didn’t stop until your hand was just about to touch his forehead. Because just as you were about to drain him of his life, you looked into his eyes. Those eyes… you knew them… They would look at you warily from across the room when you first became a part of the Avengers. They would shine with laughter after you and him pranked Sam or Steve. They would always seem to sparkle whenever you two were just hanging out, watching a movie, reading books, or even just in each other’s presence. And they looked up at you now with unfathomable sadness and yet, somehow, understanding.

“Bucky?” You muttered, falling to your knees in front of him, your hands going to cradle his face as the shadowy mists surrounding them dissipated and your eyes returned to their normal color. “Oh God! Bucky!” You quickly wrapped him in a hug, clinging on to him as if your life depended on it. Both your bodies shook with silent sobs of relief. Pulling back, your hands went back to his face as you apologized profusely, “I’m so so so so sorry! I could’ve killed you! I would’ve killed you!” You were on standing on the precipice of hysteria, in danger of falling off, until he raised his hands to stroke your cheeks as he wiped away your tears.

“But you didn’t. We’re both still here. That’s all that matters.”

“Please, forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. Now what do you say we get the fuck out of here?” A small smile slowly spread across his face.

“That sounds like a great idea. I don’t want to spend another minute here. Are you good?”

“Yeah, I’m good to go.” However, as you both made to stand, Bucky faltered, falling back down to a knee. “Sorry, guess I’m not as good as I thought I was.” In his condition, he wouldn’t even make it outside the base much less back to civilization. Luckily, you’d just had an idea.

“Do you trust me?” you asked, biting your lip.

“‘Course I trust ya,” Bucky replied, sounding a little out of breath.

“Just relax,” you said in a soothing tone as you slowly raised your hand to his head, eyes never leaving his, looking for a sign to stop. Once your palm was on his forehead, you closed your eyes and focused inwards, this time looking for a little bit of the excess energy you’d consumed, hoping you’d be able to find it. You thought you felt it mostly dissipate once you came back to yourself. After a little bit of searching, you finally found a wisp of it. Pulling on it as much as you could without losing it, you focused on drawing it out of yourself and easing it into Bucky. Starting to feel the transfer of energy, you continued pulling more and more energy from yourself until you ran out of surplus. Opening your eyes, you were met with those steely-blues looking intently at your face. You felt yourself blush before you pulled away, asking,

“That feel any better?” He gave a slight hum in response as he closed his eyes for a moment and as he smiled a little. Opening his eyes, he said,

“That’s much better, thanks.” Looking up as he rose to his feet, he continued, “But how are we gonna get out of here? The top is closed and I don’t really think wandering through this whole goddamned base until we find the exit is a very good idea.” You smirked as you simply held out your hand, saying,

“Leave that to me. You just gotta trust me a little more.” He takes your hand, simply responding,

“Always.” You walked with him in tow towards the wall, reaching out towards a shadow cast by the ramp as a shadowy hand also reached out towards you. As it pulled you and Bucky into darkness, you could see… well… everything. Or almost everything. It was as if you could see anything anywhere there was a shadow, as if you were standing in it, but more than that. It was as if you were the shadow. But you weren’t. And you knew you couldn’t lose sight of that fact or the consequences would be dire. You could feel Bucky holding onto your hand. You focused on that, using it as an anchor as you quickly sifted through everything. You could feel your grip on reality slipping a little as you continued to search for your desired location, you were having a hard time trying to focus on a single location, finally getting a glimpse of your room in the Avenger’s Compound. Grabbing onto that fleeting image, you pulled yourself towards it, almost as if you were flinging yourself down a hole into that shadow.

You and Bucky both stumbled forward as you took in your surroundings. You were in your room!

“Huzzah!” you exclaimed, throwing your arms in the air. Bucky only chuckled at your antics as he stepped forward and brought your hands down in his own. His laughter faded after a few moments as he became very serious, asking,

“Are you alright, (Y/N)? And please be honest with me.” You sighed.

“Can’t I at least take a shower first before you get all Mr. Serious-Business on me?” He failed to fight back a small smile as he huffed,

“I suppose. How about you meet me up on the roof in two hours and then we’ll talk?”

“Sounds great!” you responded. “Now get out of here, I can hear the shower calling my name!” He put his hands up in surrender, turning to leave as you landed a shove to his shoulder. You bit your lip as you watched him walk out because you had to admit it, that man had one fine ass. You heard him call from the end of the hallway,

“And don’t worry about telling the others! I’ll take care of that!” Damn! You’d completely forgotten about the others… they were probably worried sick. That mission should have been a simple one, short and sweet, no more that a few days, tops. Instead you’d been missing for weeks. And now you’ll have to tell them about what happened… that shower was beginning to sound better and better. You gathered up some clothes to change into and a towel and trudged into your bathroom. Quickly stripping down, you turned on the hot water, mixing it ever so slightly with the cold until the temperature was just right. You stepped in and almost moaned at how good the hot water felt. You began scrubbing down your body, washing off all the dirt and blood, most of it your own. Looking down, you realized that all the wounds had closed up, leaving only slightly raised, light pink scars in their wake, probably side effect of all the energy you absorbed. Following that train of thought, you became still, just standing in the spray as the full magnitude of what you had done caught up with you.

Oh God. You had killed all those people. Every. Last. One. Not that they weren’t all a little guilty since Hydra was not known for having stand-up people as its members, but still. They were people. They had had lives. Maybe families. And you had killed them in cold blood, without remorse. You let yourself cry. Not really mourning them, but rather mourning what you’d lost. Who you’d lost. You’d lost yourself, both metaphorically and physically. Before this, you had always avoided killing people. You’d hurt them to incapacitate them, sure, but you didn’t kill them unless there was absolutely no other option. You didn’t enjoy it. But this time, oh this time there was room to have avoided it. You could have made your shadow warriors simply chase the agents away, force them into other parts of the base. You could have killed enough to make the others run away in fear. Instead, you had slaughtered them one by one until there were none left. And the worst part? You’d enjoyed every minute of it. You had relished in their screams of terror and loved the rush of power that came every time you sucked the life out of them.

Your other half was right… you’d have to accept that that’s how using your powers made you feel. You hadn’t been yourself. Or maybe you just weren’t who you thought you were. The only thing that you knew for sure was that you weren’t who you used to be. You were different now. You had to live with the darkness… no, your darkness now. The water was growing cold so you quickly finished washing your hair and hopped out, drying yourself off with the towel and throwing on the clothes you had set aside.

Casting a quick glance to the clock as you trudged into the, thankfully, people-free kitchen, you saw you still had about forty-five minutes before your rooftop rendezvous with a certain supersoldier. You walked through to the other side until you came to what appeared to a small pantry. But it was bigger on the inside than what you might expect and housed the entirety of the team’s *cough* Tony’s*cough* liquor supply. You walked to the back and grabbed a few twelve-packs of vodka-filled juice boxes. After carefully finding a way to balance them without dropping any, you began to make your way to the elevator. But as you passed once more through the kitchen, you noticed that the Sun had set and an idea began to take shape. ‘Can’t hurt to try, I suppose,’ you thought.

Bending the shadows outwards, you enveloped yourself in a blanket of darkness and envisioned yourself taking it’s hand, gently this time, walking slowly into the void. And this time the bombardment of images didn’t overwhelm you as much. Summoning all your willpower, you focused yourself entirely on where you wanted to be, the rooftop of the Avenger’s Compound. An image began to form in front of you and all you had to do was a take a step forward, gently pulling it around you until you felt the bite of a cool breeze on your face.

You stepped forward, out of the shadow cast by the L-shaped protrusion of the compound’s ventilation system. You went around to the other side of the roof and sat down with your legs dangling off the edge. Pulling out one of the vodka boxes, you began draining them one after the other, knowing that no matter how many of them you drank you probably wouldn’t regret it in the morning, your tolerance was too high for that. But after you had downed somewhere in the neighborhood of ten, you slowed down, figuring that Bucky would probably appreciate being able to have some when he joined you. You thought back to what your double had said to you, and you were suddenly filled with a sense of panic.

Reaching inside yourself, you tried to draw out your light. And when you looked down at your hands, you were crestfallen. No light emanated from them. Looking inside yourself, you tried finding it again. Turning to your age old trick, you imagined a Sun within you and envisioned its light pouring out of you. But as you opened your eyes once more, you were again met with only darkness and disappointment. You had lost your light. You had killed it with your darkness. You knew you were reaching when you had tried to find your Sun, but instead you fell. You tripped and stumbled into darkness.

A few tears slowly ran down your face as you looked up to the sky. The stars seemed black and cold, offering you no comfort. And the pale moonlight gave no warmth as your Sun’s beautiful rays once had. And the final startling realization was thrust upon you, the Sun had set for you. The shadow of what had been your day embraced your world in gray. The world you had known was lost in shadow.

A loud banging swiftly pulled you out of your thoughts. Twisting around, you felt a small smile pull on your face as you saw Bucky unceremoniously flop out of the vent, lacking his usual grace. You even giggled a little as he quickly rose to his feet and dusted himself off. You offered him a vodka box as he sat to your right which he gladly accepted. You slowly leaned over so your head was resting on his shoulder as you both sipped your vodka. His response was to wrap his arm around you so your head was lying closer to his chest as he ran his hand up and down your left arm in a soothing manner. You closed your eyes and reveled in his warmth as you felt him place a kiss on top of your head and then linger there, stealthily using the moment to inhale the scent of your shampoo that he secretly adored, resting his cheek on your head. No words were needed as you two sat there in a comfortable silence.

However, after a few minutes of this, you broke the silence.

“I’m scared.” You felt him place another kiss on your head and suddenly it was like you couldn’t stop all your thoughts from spilling out, “It’s just that simple. I’m scared shitless. I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of my powers, of how they make me feel. I’m scared that I’ll lose myself again, that I’ll hurt someone I care about. I’m scared of telling the team, of them seeing me differently and treating me differently. I’m scared that you’ll see me differently, that you’ll treat me differently.” After a moment of silence, you quietly added, “I’m not just scared… I’m terrified.” You felt him slowly tilt your chin up so you had no choice but to look into his eyes.

“Doll,” he started and you didn’t know that that one word could possibly be said with as much emotion and affection as he put into it, “nothing will ever change how the team treats you, how I treat you. You’ve changed and we’d be blind fools not to see that, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be any less like family to them, any less of a… friend to me.” He took a deep breath and seemed to steel himself as he continued, “And these past few weeks have made me realize something. Each mission could be our last. And I know that we all knew that when we joined the Avengers, but this is different. I’ve been stabbed, punched until I was black and blue, hell, I’ve been shot for chrissake! And yet I have never been as goddamn afraid as I was when that man was threatening you with that gun. I was petrified with absolute terror. Because some asshat was threatening you. You who has been there for me. You who never treated me any differently from anyone else, who knows when I just need a little space, who knows when I just need to be held. You who has seen me through my nightmares despite the physical danger it puts you in. Oh God, this is getting long winded. What I’m trying to say is that… well… I think — No! I know… I love you, (Y/N). And I know this is probably the worst time I could have chosen to tell you this because you know with your whole just accepted my dark side thing being pretty fresh, but you have the right to know.”

And placing a gentle kiss on your lips, he said, “And you don’t have to say anything back. Not right now, not ever. But just know that I love you with all my heart. I always will. And I’ll still be here for you. I’ll still be here for you if you need someone to cuddle with. I’ll still be here when you need someone to hug you after your nightmares. I’ll do whatever you want me to, be whatever you need me to be. I’ll be just your friend if that’s what you want, I’ll be your lover, and if you need space and time, I’ll gladly give you those as well.” Gazing into your eyes, he stroked your cheek as he murmured, almost as if it was a thought that wasn’t supposed to be said aloud, “You look so beautiful in the moonlight.”

And as you looked into his eyes, you thought that surely if this wonderful human being, who knew all about demons within, who continued to fight his every day, could still love you after witnessing the destruction and horrors you had caused firsthand, then maybe, just maybe you could learn how to love yourself again too. You would learn to fight your demons just as he had learned to fight his. Placing your hand on his cheek, you pulled him back as you eagerly kissed him again with all the love and admiration and affection you had held for him for the past couple years. After a millisecond of hesitation, he kissed back with a fervor that conveyed just how long he had wanted this.

And, oh God, you must have died because Bucky was kissing you back and it was heaven. His lips were softer than you had ever imagined and you couldn’t get enough of it. And when you combined that with the slight scratch of his stubble, you’d be lying if you said it didn’t make your head swim. When the need for oxygen overcame you both, you reluctantly pulled away, resting your forehead against his.

“I love you too,” you said quietly, placing a slow, but brief kiss on his pink, slightly swollen lips. “And I want this.” Another languid kiss. “I want you.” One more in case you forget what his lips feel like within the next second. “I want us.”

“Then you’re my girl, doll,” Bucky said with a smile, kissing your forehead as he pulled away. “And I’ll be yours,” he added with a contented sigh. And with that, a comfortable silence fell over you both as you turn back to watching the stars, your hands resting together between the two of you. You once again turned to the multitudes of countless stars in the sky, they seemed almost… different. Yes, different was the word. They’re weren’t brighter, no, not by any means, and they still seemed cold. And the Moon’s pale light didn’t offer any more warmth than it ever had. It was still just an echo of the light that only a few hours ago had filled the sky. But as you looked up at them, you saw, for the first time, the fantastic and wondrous beauty that lay within the darkness that was only possible during their reign over the night.

THE END

#marvel fic #marvel series #bucky barnes x reader #shadows dance

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ethxndolan · 7 years

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hey dude I've got a question! I saw that you said that you're a creative writing major (and I think I remember you saying that writing fanfic made you decide to do that or something similar), but what do you plan on doing after college? Maybe you haven't thought that far ahead, but like do you plan on writing books or maybe being a magazine/newspaper journalist? Just out of curiosity :') I've kinda been considering the idea myself, but my dad immediately rejected it. lol

oKAY WOW you’re probably about to get more than u wanted lmao but believe me the amount of times i get “wtf are u gonna do w a creative writing major” and people like down their nose at u like it kills me people are so annoying, genuinely unless you’re going to be a doctor or something your specific degree isn’t super important

so i have no idea what i plan on doing after college but that has more to do w me not being a planner rather than my degree, but my ultimate goal would be to be an author. However, I in no way see that as a job right after college I see that as something I would do on the side while having another job.

I think calling it a “creative writing” degree kind of diminishes its value and makes it sound more dumb, so if you’re tying to convince your dad or explain it to other people i would focus more so on the skills that you learn from the degree. to some extent just about every job is going to have an element of writing, so being a good and well versed writer is just a good skill. there’s also things like creative problem solving, critical analysis, group collaboration, having to edit and polish pieces of work (your own as well as other people’s), literally the one thing i think my degree has taught me the moST is how to deal with negative feedback and “trying” to step back from it emotionally and try to apply it to your work (like some people straight up just won’t get your work they are not your “intended” audience so what they say is interesting, but not necessarily relevant. but like if you get a ton of people saying “this part sucks” or “that part doesn’t make sense” then its clear you have a problem, even if its a part you love).

i just got a writing internship with a web marketing company where they create websites and find ways to make the websites more popular on search engines and stuff and they were telling me how there’s so many different things i could do w my degree, almost EVERYTHING involves writing so there’s way more jobs out there than u could even imagine

and you can also get a job that has nothing to do with writing; which is probably what i’ll wind up doing, i’m not sure professional writing is for me yet? plus it’s an interesting degree, i find it jumps out to people and kind of stands out and people are genuinely curious and it sets you apart from a regular english degree

also a creative writing degree IS an english degree, so you still have to take a shit ton of english classes and whatnot it’s just like a specialized english degree

at my school you can also get an english degree with a concentration in creative writing, which involves less creative writing classes and more english classes and might be easier for your dad to get on board with? and more schools offer english w/ a concentration in cw than just a straight up creative writing degree.

idk if i answered any of the questions you asked LMAO but i could go on and on about this so hmu if u have any more

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rosyredlipstick · 7 years

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Do you ever think that conner prayed to his dad like "i need to get to cali asap, to smooch a son of aphrodite, any help??" And then bam he gets to be at mitchell's side in like less than an hour

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

Connor clenched his jaw, focusing on the task before him. “You’ve done it.”

Travis leaned against the doorway, the screen door between the balcony and the inside of their apartment separating them. He raised an eyebrow as he stared down at his younger brother. “Katie was in the hospital for appendicitis. It was an emergency.”

Connor clicked his lighter once again - it was his favorite, a gold and black metal one he’d pickpocketed in Time Square - but it was running low. He’d need to acquire a new one soon.

Connor’s tongue poked out between his teeth as he concentrated. He shifted the black stones into a position to let them breathe better.

“This is an emergency.”

“Really,” Travis’s voice was colored with disbelief, “this is an emergency?”

Connor finally broke his focus, throwing his hands to the air. “It is, okay! It’s really important that I get there, and there’s no last minute flights out there. This is my only option, okay?”

Travis observed him for a long moment before sighing, sliding the screen door back. He rolled his sleeves up, closing the door behind him, and peered over Connor’s shoulder.

“What are you burning?”

Connor nearly fell with relief at his brother’s help. Prayer was stronger when it was together. “Some prime cut from the butcher’s shop, I know he likes it.”

“Did you get -”

“Some Reese’s Cups, yeah.”

Both boys nodded at each other, satisfied. It was a good offering.

Travis used a metal rod to poke at the charcoal, waving at his face to keep the smoke from it. The small grill they kept on their baloney was hardly used to something other than the best bits at the beginning of meals - it would hardly hold the expensive cut of meat Connor had picked up.

Travis tended to the fire as Connor began to peel the plastic back from the meat, the shiny wrappers from the chocolate. Their father, as the entire cabin knew by now, had a certain weakness for the peanut butter cups.

Travis gestured for him to toss in the offerings once the fire was decent, and Connor followed the instruction without question. He wiped his hands off, some of the chocolate already having melted to his fingertips, and grabbed Travis’s extended hand.

And they prayed.

They - Connor in particular - prayed hard, hand-in-hand, chocolate and meat blackening in front of them, filling the hopeful air with burning fragrance.

“Really,” a new voice rang out, and Connor’s breath caught. “This is an emergency?”

Their father stood in front of them, their small balcony having hardly enough room to fit them all. His arms were crossed, his eyebrow raised, and was giving him the same judgement filled eyes his older brother had turning on him.

Connor threw his hands up, Travis’s own falling from his grip, but couldn’t deny the bubble of relief building inside of him. He gave Connor an amused smirk as the younger boy declared, “It is an emergency!”

“Son,” Hermes rolled his eyes, turning to walk in the apartment. The screen gave him no resistance as he passed through it. “You called me for this?”

Connor huffed out a breath, him and Travis both following him in, actually pulling back the screen door this time. Travis - the smart one of them - remembered to cover the fire, lest burning down their apartment building.

Again.

Hermes was surveying their living space as they came in, inspecting a mold spot with a slightly interested look.

“I think this might be a new species you’ve formed here.” He remarked.

“Nah, that’s just an old PBJ.”

“Delightful.”

“Where’re George and Martha?” Travis asked, perking up. He had a certain fondness for them.

Hermes turned towards their small kitchen, peering into their fridge, opening the cabins. Nosy.

Hermes waved his question off, “Taking a spa day - apparently the stress is getting to them.” His voice was amused as he explained this, reaching out a hand to poke at something in one of their cabinets. The old bag of bread probably. Connor was hoping to base his science fair project off of it.

Travis looked pleased. George and Martha deserved it, honestly.

Hermes finally looked to be finished looking through their apartment, only a single quick look thrown to their mother’s empty room. She would be in…Miami, right now. Or at least in the air above it.

Hermes turned back to him, “You prayed for my precise, what do you need?” Hermes asked, despite already knowing. He probably needed to them ask clearly - godly magic was tricky like that.

Connor let out a breath. “I need you to get me to California. San Francisco, to be precise. I can call an Uber once I’m there just - I need to get there.”

Hermes raised an eyebrow, “And this has to do with Aphrodite’s boy?”

Connor nodded, a bit desperately. “Mitchell. He won some kind of archery award and he was - he was just sad last time we talked that no one could make it to the ceremony for him because Sebastian’s parents are out of town, and Seb himself is sick and -” Connor cut himself off, staring at his hands. “I want to be there for him.”

There was a beat of silence as Hermes stared at him.

“This isn’t an emergency.” Hermes told him, flipping out his phone, hundreds of notifications already flooding the screen.

Connor sighed, “It’s not in the most traditional sense,” he allowed his father, “but it’s really important. To me.”

There was a long moment of silence as Hermes was turned towards his phone. He gave Travis a desperate look, who shrugged.

Connor tried again, “Please, dad. I - I wouldn’t be asking if this was something I could do on my own.”

The silence fell over them again. Connor began to deflate.

“It’s done,” Hermes suddenly announced, attaching a black block to his phone - something like a square reader but bigger - in a quick, smooth movement. He waited a few moments before a long ticket began printing itself. He ripped the paper off, holding out to Connor.

Connor stumbled forward to take it, staring down at it. “What - what is it?”

“Your tickets,” Hermes focused back on his smartphone, sliding through a few apps. “Simply write your destination - be descriptive, we don’t need another Paris, Texas incident - on the front, black or blue pen, no pencil it confuses the magic - and light it on fire. Use one half to get there, the other half to get home.” Hermes gave him a stern look, “I expect you to be in school by Wednesday.”

“We have school on Monday and Tuesday.” Connor told him, a bit numb.

“I know,” Hermes shrugged, sliding his phone back into his pocket. “You’re young. You’re not going to miss anything life changing by missing a few days of school.”

Connor stumbled forward again, this time throwing his arms around the taller man’s shoulders. Hermes tensed, unsure for a moment, before relaxing, his hand coming up to pat his back.

Hermes had been trying, since the war. Since Luke.

It was ridiculous how grateful Connor could feel about that.

“Thanks, dad.” He muttered into his father’s suit, probably wrinkling the no doubt expensive fabric. Silk, maybe. Armani, definitely.

Hermes was nodding as Connor pulled away, his own eyes probably red. Hermes cleared his throat, still nodding, and pulled out his phone. Connor looked back, and Travis was grinning proudly.

“I have to be going,” Hermes told them, tapping out something on his phone. He gave them another look, “Don’t get into trouble you can’t get out of, you two. I can only manipulate so many police records before your mother gets suspicious.”

Travis finger-gunned at the older man, “No promises.”

“Thanks, dad.” Connor swallowed against the tightening of his throat.

He held up his hand in a quick gesture of goodbye, and that was it.

And, in moment to the next, he was gone. There was no theatrical display of smoke or light, just a slight shifting of air as mass that was previously occupied began empty, and the air adjusted accordingly so.

Travis clasped his hand over his shoulder, “Gonna surprise him?”

Connor was already nodding - they both had a probably worrying love for surprises. Travis accepted this, grinning, and headed towards the kitchen. Outside, the fire had burnt out the moment Hermes had disappeared.

“Oh, sweet.” Travis grinned, bending down to look closer inside their fridge. “Dad got us groceries.”

“Hot cheetos?” Connor asked hopefully, staring down at the ticket in his hands.

“Like, five bags. Oh, and my favorite pringles. Nice.”

“Nice,” He agreed, holding the ticket to his chest for another moment.

Looks like he had to pack.

Hermes does the exact thing my mother does when she visits my brother and I - meaning, opening every single cabinet, looking in the fridge, opening all the drawers. Idk mom. Idk. also i live with a gross adult boy. he’s disgusting and the moldy bag of bread is a nightmare i have weekly.

Also I just really want Hermes to be a good dad ok. ok. let me have this.

Mitchell cried when he saw his boyfriend in the front row, nearly taking the whole thing up with the filled chairs of gifts beside him. it was cute as hell.

#anon #my asks #rosy writes #rosy answers #travis stoll #connor stoll #mitchell #hermes #conchell

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theboykingofhell · 7 years

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9, 15, 16, 18, 26, 31, 32, 34, 41, 42, 45, 46, 47, 49, 51 for TSG, 54 :*

ricky found fucking dead in miami after looking at these PROMPTS,

9. Least favorite trope to write.

what a weirdly phrased question because if i hate it, i ain’t gonna write it... UHH. i really don’t like bringing dead characters back to life???? i don’t like writing scenes for shock horror... well, that’s a lie, i DO like to horrify the reader through my writing, but i don’t want to cheapen the emotional ~journey~ they go through by being like ‘JUST KIDDING! everything actually DOES work out in the end!!’

i have a story where narratively its kind of leading to a place where i have to make a ‘dead’ character come back (chaos actually, since i use her in red’s actual story) and it’s making me so mad like wtf thought we had a deal

15. Where does your inspiration come from?

SONGS... and just insp in general but i get a lot through music and nnnh... there’s just so many good aesthetics and quotes on my dash tbh i’m like constantly and consistently inspired, it’s great

16. Where do you take your motivation from?

imma be honest, the thing that motivates me most sometimes is either reading a rly shitty novel or seeing a shitty show and just getting livid and writing out of spite because THAT DRIVEL WAS PUBLISHED????? MY SHIT IS SO MUCH BETTER WTF... or i think to myself ‘what the fuck, what if i die tomorrow????? with my damn novel unfinished?!?!! HELL NO’... pretty much anything that reminds me that my stuff is Great but no one knows how great it is because it’s not DONE and OUT THERE yet makes me get off my ass

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?

depends! for books it mostly just consists of rereading after a long period of ignoring my story and just tweaking lines that seem out of place or that ruin the flow i’m imagining. if i’m rewriting, then i have two word documents out (which the program scrivener makes SO easy god BLESS that program) and just... rewrite it word for word while STARING at the old version. that always makes the prose come out slightly different, it smooths out stuff or lets me cut away or add things i really like and, most importantly, it adds length, which i tend to struggle with a lot because i like just being TO THE POINT

with playwriting though it’s mostly about the format.. i write all plays like i write everything online... in lowercase with little regard to actual grammar. so i gotta actually pretend i give a damn about the english language and format it all properly and add stage directions cuz in a first draft for plays, i always just focus on dialogue and that’s it

26. Standalone or series, and why?

standalones are far more fun and way more satisfying and, quite honestly, require way less fluff. i keep FORGETTING how much fluff is needed in a goddamn novel. MULTIPLE BOOKS OF FLUFF no FUCKING THANKS

31. Hardest character to write.

in the rp: tyler (because he dissociates in a way that literally cuts me off from? any parts of his character? which is like the ESSENCE of his character but it’s VERY unenjoyable to write tbh) and nicki (because i put too much pressure on myself to make her seem a certain way instead of letting it happen naturally)... tbh canon characters and/or characters that are based on people are generally just rly hard sometimes cuz there’s SO MUCH IMAGINED PRESSURE TO MAKE THEM GOOD!!!

in original shit: honestly i’m really tempted to say aaron and that’s just because he’s so... unlikeable to me???? but also i think it’s just because i’ve really only written one scene for him (i always write in order unless a scene is just KICKING MY ASS to write, like this particular scene) and... he seems like a Lot... of annoying bullshit to have to write out lmfao that bitch

32. Easiest character to write.

red because i’ve been writing him for like 7-9 years now, i would hope he’d be easy by now... honestly, really explosive and dramatic characters too like bert or nora come SUPER easy for me, they’re so fun to write (especially dialogue-wise) because they’re very emotional and i can get PARAGRAPHS based on one reaction. characters who try and hide shit from everyone, INCLUDING ME, are so annoying,

34. Handwritten notes or typed notes?

typed because they’re legible,,,,, but then again, my handwritten notes make more sense because they’re kind of fully crafted ideas like ‘***make nisha and aaron meet at 42nd street for transformation chap???’ while a typed note will be like... ‘42nd street+aaron’... what did that mean, ricky-at-5am... why did you do this to us

41. How many stories do you work on at one time?

two... kind of as a minimum, sort of as a maximum... like there’s usually the MAIN story and then there’s something i’m kind of doodling in the side, something that’s just sort of cooking in the backburner that i’m not too serious into the process of it, but it’s goin... i’ve never tried to do 3 stories at a time but i feel like my attention would be too divided and it wouldn’t work

42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.

UHH........................................... i’m very fond of faceclaims cuz idk i just kind of... feel how they look... i don’t ever really envision a full person though, i get like traits... i’ll be like... oh she has long black hair and she’s not white and her eyebrows look like this... and then i’ll see a pic of pooja mor and be like THAT’S HER THAT’S EXACTLY IT. idk what it is about eyebrows and why that’s literally always the deciding factor of how a character looks, but there it is

personality just kind of... man, characters just poop out of me, i don’t decide any of this shit wtf jhsfjg

45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.

once someone told me to stop making the boys kiss in the first chapter of my story so i made the boys fuck instead

46. What would your story _______ look like as a tv show or movie?

scrolls WAY up... sees you didn’t add a story as a prompt WELL i’m still riding the tsg train here so

a tsg movie better look like the 90′s, goddamnit.. not like... found footage really, but i want something in the quality to be a little fuzzy and sort of tinted that one kind of grayish brown color i always associate with the 90′s for some reason... like, i can’t stop thinking about all these amber lighting and how dull everything looks, and how higher in quality things look the further and further it goes, like, it’s something i would concentrate a lot on visual cues with because i focus so much of the storytelling of tsg on nisha’s narration. sometimes you don’t know how many days have passed because nisha doesn’t know how many days have passed, if she dissociates, i’d want that shown on camera, if she keeps repeating the same number over and over again, i’d want to watch one little piece of a scene getting repeated again and again. it’d be VERY disorienting as a movie tbh but it’d be fun...

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story?

characters!!!! plot is such a backburner thing for me, if you have rly great characters, you already have a great plot right there. the plot is just set so i can see how characters react to things, man...

49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end?

THE MIDDLE, FUCK THE MIDDLE.... endings are literally the easiest thing for me, beginnings similarly so, it’s just getting from that BEAUTIFUL starting scene to that GORGEOUS ending that fucking kills my poor undeserving asshole

51. Describe the aesthetic of your story _______ in 5 sentences or words.

low-res pictures of old cemetaries... that’s five words right there, i’m sorry but the END IS IN SIGHT, I’M ALMOST FREE AND CANT BE BOTHERED

54. Any writing advice you want to share?

can’t stress how useful having an insp blog is... creating a story through the unconscious collection of pictures and quotes that just feel relavant is just SO useful not just when it comes to really constructing a character an an atmosphere to your story, but making a fucking plot????? my tsg blog is like my most perfect insp blog because i got the idea to seperate it by chapters, and i’ve found that i can literally just... go into the chapter tags... and make connections and build on plotlines that i had NO IDEA ABOUT when i made or filled those tags, IT’S REALLY FUN and it keeps me inspired to write

#i did not proofread this at all cuz OOP IM DROWNING HERE...#w #mmementommori #ask tag

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gywair · 5 years

Text

I finally watched Endgame. I’d put it off a week since its release. It felt like planning to attend a funeral. This series has been part of my life for a decade. Going to see the cumulation of over twenty films felt too heavy to see. Putting it off only made the tension build though. Finally, bite the Infinity Stone and ordered tickets.

First, I watched it in “4DX”. This is similar to the theme park rides that started popping up that are a mixed medium experience. So the seats move, air blasts at you, there are water effects, lights flash, and even smells get pumped into the room. In theory, this seems really interesting but usually, I go to movies I don’t care about to try out new gimmicks. My first 3D film was My Bloody Valentine. It was silly and fun. It also helped me adjust to what a 3D movie would be.

My first 4DX-like experience was the Empire State Building ride as narrated by Kevin Bacon. A sentence that makes me feel like I suffered a stroke while writing but is a real thing that exists that I have experienced. It’s been a few years since that and I think it lasted less than 20 minutes (probably less). Sitting for an entire movie seemed like a whole different worm can.

For me, I didn’t really like it. The water, lights, and smells were cool. The smoke was nice too. The seat, however, is made for someone slightly smaller. So when Iron Man gets kicked in his kidneys, oh spoilers BTW, the seat hits you too like a demented message chair. I think normally it would softly strike you in the back on your rib cage. For me, it went straight to my soft organs. This made the fights are to concentrate on (a problem for a movie about fighting). Likewise, little jets of compressed air go off just above your head. For me, they were pointed directly into my ears. So each time they fired off, I couldn’t hear and had the painful sensation of a ghost giving me a wet willy (I’m also blessed with ear problems so your experience may vary).

Anyway, big thoughts:

The Good:

The job of wrapping up 20+ movies was a big task. This film does that. It has a large cast of characters and several errant storylines to wrap up in a short timeframe. Cause even with 3-hours, this felt like there was still more to say. Which isn’t bad cause that means there can still be more films but for a chapter closer it was ambitious.

I was satisfied by the investment I’ve made into the franchise. This was a fitting close to this chapter. Each film contributed in ways that made the complete journey feel fluid and necessary.

It makes several subversions of expectations. Not just for characters but for narrative design. It kept me guessing the entire time. Even with seeing a handful of tiny spoilers, I was never sure what was going to happen.

Avengers served up heaping mounds of gratuitous fan service in the best ways possible. Sometimes this can be very bad like in animes when the whole episode is about boys spying on girls in a hot tub. Here, it’s Captain America fighting a copy of himself or Professor Hulk half-assing some smashing. One of the best parts of the film is about time travel. Here they show off fan-favorite Loki popping up at different points in history.

One important aspect to me for a story of any kind is how much foreknowledge a viewer needs before starting the work. If you watch Pirates of the Carribean 3 or Return of the Jedi, you will be pretty confused. However, you can pick up just about any Marvel movie anywhere in the series and have a fair idea of what is going on. This continues in this installment. Some context is lost or hidden but anything you need to know is shown/told/explained to you. This, for me, is what makes a story stand on its own legs.

See?! This scene just makes sense all on its own.

The Bad:

With so many cooks in the kitchen, there are still weird dangling problems in the continuity. Things still feel left open to interpretation. Even the filmmakers didn’t agree on how elements in the film worked which is something that should have been determined before the first Avengers movie was written. It feels haphazard with how certain things were written off or ignored. This plays well into feeling like a comic book where different creators retrofit things to fit their narrative but it still felt jarring.

For example, in Captain Marvel, the cat has a stone. Well… so does Thanos… but also now Loki… There is a lot going on and even a whole (if well delivered) exposition still didn’t completely cover all their bases. It feels like they slapped it together at random at times. I get that they can play with the timeline literally but I feel like there were still a lot of open questions that should have been answered that weren’t.

I could rewatch all the movies (read as: will eventually) to get the full context. This makes the act of enjoying these films more academic though than just for pleasure viewing. It’s not that I don’t want to do this but for casual viewers, there was a lot of backstories to keep up with to get each nod.

The Ugly:

After years of hearing that fans want more women characters, the film tried to give them the limelight for an action sequence. The rest of the film is mostly about a boys’ club rushing around doing action hero stuff. Yes, Nebula and Black Widow make important contributions to the plot but they feel sidelined or overshadowed by the boys. The problem here is that the women are treated more like set dressing than people important to the plot to move ahead. If Spiderman had finished running the Infinity Glove to the van it would have served the same device. Instead, they made a big show of having the girls team up for a few seconds.

Supposedly this movie was gonna have a “Big Gay Film Moment” TM that would make people happen. Instead, it just suggested that gay people do actually exist. IDK man, like that, is a pretty cold take. If Warmachine and Bucky had started making out after the big fight I would have been cheering my head off. I’m not upset by any means. This is more of a missed opportunity for the filmmakers to do something and instead, they took the safest path.

Hope you weren’t invested in Starlord and Gamora cause that entire trio of films is pretty much null now so far as character development for Gammy. She had an awesome arc. Then they killed her off. Then she comes back but now she doesn’t know Quill. Okay, well this means that other dead people come back… right? Oh, no? Vision and Black Widow are still gone? Weird… I heard this is cause they were killed pre-Snap BUT so was Gamora and they got her back. I think they were just running out of time. I hope Scarlet Witch gets to go back to her robo-boyfriend.

Was that all just a wild middle finger to Gunn? That’d be drama.

The funeral… why isn’t anyone crying? Everyone seems so calm. Is this like when you have already been to like six superhero funerals that week and five are already back on their feet?

I told myself I wasn’t gonna cry.

Characters:

Alright, so this film had way too many characters to really cover perfectly as a group. I have some stray thoughts on several, however.

Hulk is my new boyfriend and I will fight you for him. Banner has made peace with himself and created a half-way point between Hulk and himself. Now he is permanently strong and smart. This is wonderful for character development as he finally finds the peace and belonging that he has wanted since Edward Norton tore up downtown as the rage-y green giant. His new hipster persona felt satisfying and fresh for the film universe. Something of a reversal of the Ragnarok Hulk.

Captain America finally bangs and accepts his position as “America’s Ass”. I’m so proud of my boy. He’s all grown up.

It took Iron Man a decade but Tony Stark finally discovered how to care about something other than himself. His character arc is the film universe’s arc to this point. He was the foundation for everything that came after. This film serves as much an Iron Man movie as it is an Avengers’.

Black Widow kind of gets the shaft here. She began as a coldhearted assassin and ends up as the corporate mom leading the heroes’ home base. There is so much to still unpack for her. Her character has so much potential just under the surface but no one seems to be interested digging into it. I mean Scarlett Johansson “kills” in the role but this movie doesn’t really give her anything to do except talk to Hawkeye…

Hawkeye tried to be the Marvel Aquaman comeback kid and he just comes off as edgy but not in a good way. More like a midlife crisis day buys a motorcycle than the Crow. Like, he tries to make it sound like his entire career of being an assassin was more good than being an assassin now. He does get a brutal back story but I feel like he falls short of reaching his character potential here. He does get some cool scenes and then just gets shoved to the back of the movie.

Thor is bae. He has a brutal journey to this movie but he gets a lot of character work here. His beer belly hermit hijinks provide a much needed comedic break. I also cried like a baby over him.

Rocket has finally gotten some growth as a person. In this movie, he gets to interact with the core team more. This was a lot of fun because of his sass with characters like Iron Man. Also, he finally dons his iconic blue flight suit and red scarf–not important but it was a fun Easter egg.

It only took two Guardians and an Avengers but they finally let Karen Gillan really make Nebula rule. Gillan is a fabulous actor so it was always painful that Nebula just ran around screaming. In Endgame, she finally gets to have some real personal moments that don’t feel weird. Paper football was the best scene honestly for the emotion and narrative. I mean, her whole career as a sour rage junky comes to a boiling point and then she FINALLY gets to open up the tiniest bit with Tony. I really hope there is something… anything in the future where she gets to be this new fun Nebula. It’s like your weird aunt went on vacation and actually had some personal growth and brings you back some neat shells and a guy named Desmond for herself.

Ant-Man got some funny moments in but nothing to really write home about. He was our Joe McEverydude here and it worked fine. I’m baffled at the taco scene but it was worth it for Hipster Hulk to share with him. Like, I know Scott Lang as a character isn’t super bright. That’s his whole thing. But, I just can’t understand what would drive him to go outside the fancy building to eat tacos on a bench facing the jet landing pad.

Warmachine got some interesting developments here. I’m sad now that he didn’t get to build a romance with Nebula (that is just barely suggested here). He felt like a full member of the team rather than just a sidekick from movies past.

The Falcon & Bucky were there. I really wish there had been some kind of closure or growth moment for them. In Winter Soldier, they were at each other’s neck. Now they seem cool. A friendly word or a high five could have sold me on their growth but they kind of get forgotten instead. I was never gonna see my Falcon-Bucky slash make it to the silver screen but would it have killed the Russos to have one heated kiss between these two obviously boyfriend material lads.

**EDIT** —–> THERE IS A SPIN OF THESE DORKS. OMG.

Alright. I’m psyched for this.

Captain Marvel comes in at the end of this list just like she did in the movie. That’s right, she shows up as a Deus ex Machina and looks cool but really got burned here. She deserved better. She just drops in for a minute to help and then jets. Still cool but she gets no development here. Her movie rules though so I’m gonna forgive it. Mostly. That said, it was wild to see basically an Amy Dangerous on screen and that was special for me.

Closing Thoughts:

It was a really fun movie. I may never watch it again. Just like the other Avengers, it’s a good time but it feels more like a spectacle than a great film. That’s not bad but when I watch a film, I wanna see characters grown in new unexpected ways. I want to see hard choices and emotions. Those moments were there but as little islands between big budget action scenes. I really enjoyed it but for the same amount of time, I might just watch Ragnorok again or Detective Pikachu. Finishing this movie felt like the end of a long (20 movie) hike. It was a great adventure. The fun of it was the friends we made along the way. I don’t regret a minute of it.

But it feels good to be at the end.

For now.

Endgame Thoughts I finally watched Endgame. I'd put it off a week since its release. It felt like planning to attend a funeral.

#film #movies

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goosegoblin · 7 years

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[1/2] Heeey Jess. You sometimes write about having ADHD (and autism if I'm correct) and I just, idk, need to tell smb else bc I'm having emotions. I'm a psych student so actually going to psychologist was difficult. But I struggle so much. I've come to really good guy, specialising in what I suspect is wrong and so far he is v understanding, I like his approach. We started assessment for ADHD.

[2/2] I’m going to have further test tomorrow, done by other psych bc mine simply doesn’t have it but nvm. So basically, I’m conflicted about the whole thing bc on one hand, maybe it’s nothing and I’m freaking out?? But then on the other, hey, this IS a problem, been my whole life, it impacts my daily life. If I’m not prying (you don’t have to answer if it’s too much, I understand), idk, how did you life change after a diagnosis? Better, different? Any tips? In general? Ta for listening!

Hey my friend! I know this feeling very well. Honestly, I went through the five stages of grief with my diagnosis, as weird as that sounds. Definitely took me a few months to hit acceptance.

First I felt denial- why am I doing this? I probably don’t have ADHD at all. I’m just lazy/ stupid/ not trying hard enough and I want to be special. I’m wasting everyone’s time. I’ve misled everyone.

Then: anger. What the fuck??? Why do I have ADHD? This is bullshit! Why can’t I be a normal person? What do you mean this is a lifelong thing? HOW DID THEY MISS THIS FOR 21 YEARS HOLY SHIT MY LIFE WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT IF THEY’D DIAGNOSED ME AT 8!!!

Then: depression. This sucks. This is my life. I can never be normal. I’m always going to struggle. I’m always going to be Odd. This is so unfair.

I had a bit of bargaining- a bit of ‘would I rather have depression or ADHD? would I rather have ADHD or anorexia? would I-’

Then: acceptance. I have ADHD. That is part of who I am, though it is not all I am. I know that my problems are real, and not just a character flaw. I don’t hate myself as much when things go wrong. This isn’t just me messing up, and I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Positives:

‘ADHD’ is a useful shorthand to communicate a lot of things I struggle with. It’s nice to be in communities of people with ADHD and find things to bond over. The sense of community and belonging has been really lovely (although online groups are hilarious- it’s just everyone writing 2000 word posts and nobody else reading them).

Stimulants have helped me a lot. My executive functioning is near zero without them. The side-effects aren’t super great, but I’ll take ‘em over sleeping until 4PM because I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed, or failing my driving test three times because my inattentive ass was genuinely dangerous on the roads.

I was able to get some special arrangements at uni, which helped a lot. At my uni you can’t leave an exam in the first or last thirty minutes, which my ADHD hates. I never ever stayed that last thirty minutes, even when I needed it, because being trapped in a room with nothing to do for half an hour sounds like hell. After my diagnosis I got extra time and took the exam in a smaller room with fewer distractions. As I got an extra 45 minutes, that meant that last thirty minutes of doom and dread was 45 minutes later, and I could have as much time as I needed without facing entrapment.

You learn workarounds. Imagine that you were lactose intolerant and never knew. People might be like ‘oh man, stomach troubles? Eat probiotic yoghurt!’, and if you did that it would make things worse. Getting a diagnosis helps you know what helps and what doesn’t. For example, for ADHD, group revision sessions are a horrible terrible idea- in which case, work alone. You might find silence is actually distracting- in which case, you need a white noise app or similar. You might find that fidgeting or doodling actually makes you take in more of what’s being said, not less. You learn that the general one-size-fits-all advice might not fit you, but there’s a lot of advice that’s tailored for your condition. Yay!

Downsides:

More awareness of stigma. People tend to think ADHD is what doctors call hyperactive white boys- they have no idea it affects adults, and that it manifests in so many different ways. People joking about buying my meds. The annoyance of having to get and take a controlled substance.

TIPS:

Find a community for people with ADHD, either online or IRL, and join it. I can’t stress this enough.

Check out Unfuck Your Habitat for a good guide on how to handle cleaning when both you and your house are an unorganised mess.

Download a website blocker/ productivity app. I like Habitica for positive encouragement, and I have a website blocker that lets me go ‘nuclear’ and block certain sites for 1 hour with no way to undo it. Sometimes I block the whole internet at night so I’ll actually go the fuck to bed.

I have a waterproof bluetooth speaker that I love. Showering, cleaning and cooking are so much easier with music.

Give yourself time. You’re gonna feel a lot of things about this diagnosis. It’ll mellow out eventually.

Get used to educating people. Find some ways to explain why what you’re talking about isn’t what they think you’re talking about. They hear ‘I can’t concentrate unless something is interesting’ and compare it to their own experience of ‘sure, it’s hard when it’s boring, but you have to try’. I explain it instead as ‘you know the end of a long day of lectures when your brain is fried and you can’t handle any more information at all? I get like that after five minutes’.

Do not listen to the opinions of people other than your doctor on your meds. ‘it’s legal meth!!11!’ eat my ass sandra

Message me any time, on or off anon. Best of luck with the rest of your life

#adhd #add

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