#idk we all know the world is unfair but I wish I’d have gotten a little more time until I found that out

[littlcdarlin]

Was thinking about this writing the new chapter, and I think one of the worst parts about being SAed at 15 was how it made me feel about other people. Yeah, you are made to feel your body only belongs to you until someone else decides it doesn’t, and it fucks up this youthful state of basically being a functioning narcissist, in that you no longer have this experience of the world in which you are the main character, which I think is what most people mean when they talk about the world losing colour etc. afterwards. But as an adult who still struggles severely with trusting people, as in my ex told me she loved me and I had a panic attack so bad I threw up, what makes me the angriest, is that one single indulgence in desire by someone stronger than you can completely warp your perception of people you love. Which tells you that at its core, fear is the most base emotion, and stronger than love by far. Love won’t save the day and it can’t overcome anything, which is quite…chastening to realize as a child when you‘re supposed to be full of hope and faith. Idk it’s so insane to me that a guy did that to me and for him it’s this most likely random night, and I will forever doubt the people I love the most. Such an extreme discrepancy of consequence idk

[iamyoursonly]

Sunsets (6/11/2023)

suddenly wanted to write this idk bro but life seems harder rn

As the remaining bit of the sunset gleamed over the horizon, after the last bit of light entered my eyes, everything seemed like it was all gone, as if all was left, but except for the street lights near where I was sitting. Looking down to my feet, I realised that the shadows on the ground weren’t plural anymore, it was just me myself and I. The other shadow was long gone…

Holding up my pen after getting home and trying to concentrate on my work was hard, especially when you somehow broke up with me out of nowhere. All those “I love you”s and “I would never leave you”s were lies, because what else could men do but lie.

Despite us going through hard times together for 14 long years, you decided the bonding wasn’t enough and left me. Where was the sense in that?! God, please let me just disappear from this world. All that loathe I have felt towards you seemed to have exploded in my thoughts, and I couldn’t help but bawl my eyes out at every thought of you.

Deep down I knew — I still loved you.

Gojo Satoru, I still remember your name. As if our breakup was yesterday, but time has passed since and it’s been almost 5 years. Our immature years were over and we were both working for our society, making money and just being alive for this sole purpose.

A chorus of delirium rushed through my head when I got accepted into my dream job — being a teacher at a high school. But life was unfair, I know, I’ve been through it all before. My delirium was destroyed when you showed up as my teacher in charge. I was basically devastated.

Maybe you were 27, but you didn’t act like it. You were just an over grown child even at work, I mean why did they accept you into the school even when you’re just a giant baby!

“Well look at that isn’t it my favourite youngster?” You’d say and look at me, I had to curse under my breath before looking at you in the face with a smile, “Mr. Gojo, may I inform you that I’m merely two years younger than you?” And when you pout and start acting childish again, the memories of us being together appeared in my mind again, it was as if fate brought back us together in this school.

My delusions were crushed when you had announced your engagement with another pretty lady, whom you apparently met a few months prior. It was almost so obvious that your mother set you up with her, but it wasn’t like you to agree without throwing a whole tantrum. But that smile you had on your face while giving me the invite to your wedding seemed genuine, and what could I do but respect your decision.

Denial is a river in Egypt, I know. But maybe it’s also what I’m feeling right now, how could you choose her over me though? I thought I had gotten over you, but all those thoughts just keep coming back to my head. “How could you do this to me, Gojo.” I mumbled, in my own house.

On the day of your wedding, it felt illegal to show up, but you sounded so anticipated to have me show up to your wedding, and have I ever said no to you? Never. So I went, in the dress that you bought me on our 4th dating anniversary. It was blue, just like your eyes. And that time of the day, was the sunset, my favourite time of the day.

When I arrived, you looked so handsome in that white suit, I might just faint from looking at you, and we might have made some brief eye contact before you broke it, and that tiny blush on your face was quite visible too.

The vows. I hated it, why would you vow to love a woman you didn’t want to marry, oh how I wished you would’ve pulled me onto the stage and married me instead…

“Would you, Gojo Satoru, be the legal husband of Naoko Tsurugi and love her forever?”

“No.” You spoke. That stern look in your eyes sent shivers down my spine, but thank god you spoke up. The girl you married also opposed your marriage too, and said she had someone she wanted to marry. Your gaze looked soft, as if a stone was lifted from your heart.

I’d thank the heavens if they gave me a chance to savour your love again, and I’d never thank it enough when you pulled me on the stage and asked me to marry you instead. Naoko didn’t seem opposed at all, instead, she was the biggest supporter and told us to kiss.

“Well what do you say princess, would you like us to get married?”

“What if I say no.”

“You wouldn’t say no to me.”

What could I say, those years of bonding really made us lucky. And it seems like I could never get rid of Gojo Satoru. But I love it so much.

Only that sunset finally had two silhouettes.

master list

sunrise

[austenwazright]

Fourth wing by Rebecca Yarros- a spoiler free review

So, I read it, and I’d like to start saying if this is your favorite book or if you’re one of those people who get mad when someone says bad things about the things you love please don’t read it, I’m only writing this cause I wish so hard someone else had so I could’ve read it instead of the book.

If I have to choose one word to describe it’s shallow, Rebecca doesn’t bother to get deep about absolutely anything, not the plot, not the world creation, not the relationships, not even the fucking main character, so she accomplished something really hard here, she was able to be completely mediocre in the whole book and still make it a hit (I hate you tik tok).

The main character is exactly like any other in any ya novels, she so weak and little poor thing and she didn’t really wanna be there you know, what don’t get me wrong that can work in the right writing but not here, Yarros just told us how much she suffered and how much she was trying without never really showing us what just makes the mc into someone that gets everything handed out to her, what actually gets worse bc the girl is like literally a nepobaby, many times things only work out for her cause she had an unfair advantage but she never recognizes it, Rebecca keeps insisting with us that she suffered to get where she is, yeah, right.

The plot doesn’t catch you, or at least didn’t catch me, and if you’ve read a couple of ya novels already nothing, I repeat, nothing, will surprise you, is so formula made you can literally track the step you’re in you know. And since I’m talking about this is like no one else going to mention how much this sounds like a court of thornes and roses?? The romantic interest is SO Rhysand coded, and of course we have Tamlin, except Yarros writing lacked the subtlety that Maas had so he’s just plain out toxic from moment one, it doesn’t has the same effect. 

The dragons were cool tho, the only thing that kept me going, what just means that the whole ideia of a college where you go to learn how to ride dragons is great, but I bet it didn’t turn out how Rebecca wanted. In more then one moment I felt like she knew where to start and where she wanted to go but had no clue how to get there.  And since it wasn’t bad enough the fact that she was struggling to write about the life of a 20yo it get’s worse when Rebecca tries to go for politics, it’s so predictable it’s stupid, it makes you sad you’ve read so many pages for this.

About the romantic love interest, he’s also formula made, tall, dark skin, sarcastic, powerful and all that, I’m aware this has not gotten old for most people yet so you’ll probably love him, he is one of the most likeable characters, but the relationship build is plain out stupid, this is not enemies to lover, don’t fall for that. All the characters exist around the mc, they have no plot of their own (with one exception), as I said it’s really shallow. 

Well, anyway, I really needed to put this out there or I was gonna choke. For real, if you LOVE acotar you’ll like this (if you only like acotar it’s not worth it), and if you’re 16 or younger you should give it a try, but if you’re like me and has been reading this genre for years don’t bother, there’s nothing here for you, or idk ignore me and read it, so you can come here say I’m just bitter or say I’m so right. 

[lizacstuff]

Bölüm 45 asks

Plus a few asks from 44, and one about the fragman for 46

Read more under the cut

Anonymous asked: I cannot believe that Ayse revived the "Kemal is Serkan's real father" theory but I think I'm down for it? At least now Kiraz has one decent grandparent and he seems like genuinely nice man. I've been wishing for him to have some scenes with Serkan because the way they set up this S2 plot, they could relate to one another and I was sad to see that he spent 5 years hiding instead

I'm down for this plot! See, now that I know they're doing the long-lost-father plot, it makes all the sense in the world why Serkan doesn't like Kemal and they didn't forge a relationship in the last five years. If they had, then finding out he's his dad would have been a lot less jarring and dramatic. Finding out now and then forging the relationship I think will be a bit more meaty story so it works for me.

To me this story works on a lot of levels, and makes sense with who Serkan is and his very strained relationship with Alptekin. It's like Alptekin sensed it, and resented Serkan his whole life. For those worried that Serkan will no longer have the last name Bolat, I'm not sure where that's coming from. Maybe I'm just not familiar with other cultures, but that is his name, Alptekin raised him, adults don't just up and change their name because of genetics. If you're adopted and you meet your bio dad as an adult, you don't change your name to your bio dad's.

Serkan's name is very much a part of his identity. Which is why this story has so much potential, because it could shake Serkan to his very core to find out who he thought he was, was wrong. He thought he was unlovable, most importantly maybe he'll finally realize there was more at play there and it wasn't at fault.

Anonymous asked: There were a couple things in the last episode that didn't sit well with me. 1. I can't believe Eda made Serkan sleep outside at night and didn't feel bad in the morning when she realized he got sick! 2. The way Seyfi announced Aydan and Kemal's secret relationship. It wasn't his secret to tell, though Aydan did deserve the way everyone reacted. So I got over that pretty quick. 3. Burak!!! He's not the one for Melo. She deserves better and if they end up together in the end, I'm gonna protest.

1. Unless you're going to put the same energy into not believing that Serkan had the gal to remove his bed on the floor as a way to maneuver himself into Eda's bed before she was ready, I really can't relate. It was done for comedy, my advice is to unclench and just giggle along.

2. Or you could look at it as being unfair of Aydan to burden Seyfi with that secret and require he lie to his other employer for five years. I mean I don't disagree that it wasn't his secret to tell, but Aydan had plenty of chances, and it was time for it to come out.

3. This one we are in 100% agreement about. MELO DESERVES BETTER. I will die on this hill.

Anonymous asked: Hi! Do you think Serkan actually believes in Kerem's abilities (he trusts Eda's faith in Kerem) or is this part of his plan to win Eda back? Either way I'm okay, just wondering what you think.

No, I do not think he gained a sudden belief in Kerem's abilities, but I do think he believes in Eda. And if Eda believes in Kerem then when push comes to shove that is enough for Serkan. Of course, he did it as part of his plan to win Eda back. Serkan is taking every opportunity to let Eda know that he respects her and believes in her and I think this was another example of that. There was also an aspect of him trying to win over another person in Eda's circle who was suspicious of him. The fewer people he has working against him, the better! He knows he has no shot with Burak or Ayfer, so this episode he worked on Melo and Kerem. But mostly it was him trying to make Eda's life easier, by smoothing over a personnel problem she was having, thus making working out of Art Life a more attractive option for her. All of those things in one!

Anonymous asked: What do you think about Eda and Piril's friendship? This episode really highlighted how close they've gotten.

Yes, they have gotten close, and I'm happy Eda has a friend, but at the same time I don't trust Piril. This is a woman who discarded Eda and embraced Selin when she was manipulating and abusing a brain-damaged Serkan.

Eda might be able to forget, but I can't. Also as a character she's just boring, rigid and humorless. One of my least favorites on screen.

That being said I do like the triad dynamic of Kiraz/Can, Serkan/Engin, and Eda/Piril, it was fun when they were calling each other at the same time.

Anonymous asked: Idk if they reached out to Maya just because she looked like Hande considering she had no acting experience, but this little girl is like the best casting I've seen. The chemistry with Hande and Kerem is amazing. She's so expressive. I am a Kiraz stan.

She's doing a fantastic job, precious thing! I have no idea how they found her, I know she was an instagram model, but the SCK casting director strikes again. This season doesn't work if we don't fall in love with Kiraz. Thankfully, we did!

Anonymous asked: Hi! Since it seems that we will have 13 episodes, do you think that Edser reconciliation/wedding will be left for the finale, 12-13 ep? Cause Ayse loves to drag and keep them apart.

I think the wedding might be closer to the end, but I think reconciliation will be a bit sooner than that.

However, I have to say that it's really not like they're apart.. is it? I mean this episode we had them living together, sort of casually planning their future together. Next episode we have them pretending to be married and ramping up the sexual tension to white-hot-sun levels, these are all good things. With episodes like this, I don't personally consider the show dragging it out.

In fandom I see a lot of peeps upset because Eda isn't getting immediately back with Serkan and I am feeling inpatient as well, do you think the writers are making a mistake keeping them apart?

Again, I guess my response to you is, by what definition was this episode "keeping them apart?"

Yes, they aren't having sex, but they are living together, working together, raising their daughter together, and I'm a-okay with having a couple of delicious episodes of that while they are still not fully back together romantically. Let's be real, they're still waking up in bed together, flirting, and having a romantic dinner together, so it's not like things aren't moving forward, they are. I'd advise putting aside your impatience, and just sit back, relax, and let the story take its course. There is no need to be anxious with this one. They are going to end up with their happily ever after together, but what we're seeing right now is delightful. It's them in family and domestic situations, them with their child. Most shippers only dream of getting to see this.

This sort of goes back to my stance on episodes 16-24, I know that was a frustrating time for a lot of fans because they were "broken up" but I've always said they may have been officially broken up, but they were in a committed relationship that entire time. And I enjoyed those episodes from that perspective, that tension of them being "apart" but still functioning as a unit and still being emotionally tied together underneath it all. There's kind of a similar situation here, they aren't officially back together, Eda is resisting him, but they are in a committed relationship and I don't understand what the need is to rush through this part? Enjoy the sexual tension of them living together, but not sleeping together. Enjoy the rom com romp of Serkan trying to get in her bed, and Eda taking steps to keep him out. Enjoy their daughter putting them in situations that force them into close proximity, and enjoy them falling into easy compatibility without even trying. Enjoy Serkan planning romantic dinners, and Eda enjoying it despite her every effort to protect her heart.

To me this is very good stuff, and spending this time being impatient and wanting what didn't happen yet, instead of enjoying what did happen is pretty much the recipe for unhappiness not just with this show, but life.

Anonymous asked: i feel like i've seen the exact same frustrations ppl have had with eda right now back around the 20s too after serkan told her about her parents' secret. it was like, now that he's told her the truth, she should automatically forgive him and get back together. same thing happening here, with him accepting his role as kiraz's father. it feels like the same impatience that's put on eda to just forgive him already bc everyone wants happy edser and she's in the way lol.. like girl needs time!

Agreed, and it makes me wonder if these folks have ever watched television before, lmao. Patience! There's a story unfolding and from the first 6 episodes it's clear they have a season long arc planned. All in due time.

Eda spent five years thinking that Serkan stopped loving her, and discarded her for work. The second time he used that excuse to break her heart. My goodness, it's more than okay if she needs a little time to adjust and learn how to trust him again. PLUS that means we get to watch him work on her, try to make inroads, romance her, forge a relationship with his daughter and earn Eda's trust back. What's bad in that?

What did you think of the fragman? It's kind of dumb and unrealistic that they have to dance for a school admission interview.

LMAO. Yes, yes it is, but my question to you is, sana ne?

I mean why do you care if the set up is dumb or not? Or if it's realistic? It's a device to get Serkan and Eda to pretend to be married before they're fully back together and an excuse for us to see Edser smash themselves together in a sensual tangle of limbs while they pretend to be unaffected, while both are being engulfed in USTy flames.

I'm not complaining, why are you?

Come on, this show is silly, it has been from day one, enjoy the fact that we are getting silly plots that force our couple into hilarious and hot situations, because Hande and Kerem are going to give us gold, I guarantee it and I'm going to smile through every second watching it.

xxxxxxxxxx

These asks are from episode 44, they came in and I didn't have time to answer before 45 aired:

Anonymous asked: Do you think there is a point when there are too many “parallels” and it becomes more like scenes are being recycled? Because I kinda felt that way in the last episode. Like she’s just tossing in as many things as she can from those first 11 episodes but I’ve already watched those and Id rather we focus more character progression. I feel like they regressed from those honest conversations last week and were back to being petty this week.

I guess my answer is... no, I don't think there have been too many parallels. Episode 44 was partly about truth bubbling to the surface, with the biggest truth being that Serkan has been in love with Eda every minute of every day since they parted. That is a very important thing for Eda to understand and know and they really can't move forward until she does, because she felt unloved and forgotten all those years. Most of the parallels were illustrating that by showing that he held on to their history, he remembered their history and he honored it. Okay by me.

Anonymous asked: There were some amazing dialogues in the episode. I have two that tie for top. One was when Kiraz said that Serkan was her wish (when blowing her birthday candles), and the other was when Serkan said Apollo was never going to give up on the woman he loves nor on the cherries! Oh my heart had feels both times. What were your favourite dialogues in the episode?

Oh man my head is in 45 now, but both of those examples of yours were great. I loved both of them.

The other than springs to mind is while fishing, Eda telling Serkan that he didn't need to be perfect for Kiraz to love him, he just had to be himself.

Swoon.

That's so important for Serkan to hear, because he doesn't think he's worthy of love as himself, so hearing that from Eda is impactful.

Anonymous asked: reading your ep review, i think a big reason some people are hanging on to hate the s2 plot no matter what are just bc they hate the writer. of course not everyone, but a lot of people will just hate on anything she writes out of spite, even if objectively the episode is very good. idk why that is or when ppl decided they hated her but it's not warranted at all imo. i can understand not liking the premise of this season, but after watching it so far there has been SUCH an improvement edser-wise.

People can like, dislike, love, hate anything they want. Consuming entertainment doesn't have to be a team sport. That being said, from what I've seen I'd agree with your assessment. Teams have formed (Anti-Ayse, Pro-Ayse, etc) and the former are too invested in hating everything she does, the former possibly too forgiving at times. That's their choice, but I have to say I feel bad for the anti brigade, this is a show they loved, and most of them are still watching, but they've completely sabotaged themselves from finding any joy in any of it and I think they're going to regret it once it's over.

Also season 2 is so much better than I thought it could be. I honestly thought there was no way to get back to the early quality, but it's here. The show is really watchable and fun this season, and it's a shame for those who've let their attitudes get so negative that they can't enjoy it.

Anonymous asked: Ok so I'm aware this would be highly uncharacteristic of a dizi - but if they know there's only 6 eps left, my dream would be no more big bad events and just spend it rebuilding EdSer as a couple and a family. Would that be too much to ask lol. They've jumped from one disaster to another. Since we're at the end & they have the luxury of knowing it, I just want to see them working through things as a real unit. They've dated for like 7 eps out of 45? Can we get that above 10 at least????

Congratulations! Because that's exactly what we've gotten so far in season 2. Once we got past the trauma of the 5 year time jump, all the drama has been internal to Eda and Serkan and their relationship. The whole season so far has been about rebuilding Edser as a couple and a family. And if you're watching without the tauntruming twitter teens in your ear, you'd realize we ARE watching them work through things as a real unit.

I'll say this until I'm blue in the face (apparently) just because they are not currently sexing each other up, does not mean they aren't emotionally doing all the things necessary to reach their full potential as a couple.

They are. It's happening. Enjoy it.

[gregorygrim]

Dragon Prince Hot Takes

!!! Full Spoiler For “The Dragon Prince” Seasons 1-3!!!

So I finally got around to watching The Dragon Prince. Timely, I know, but better late than never i guess. I’m not completely caught up yet as I only got as far as S3E7 “Hearts of Cinder” in this first sitting. Considering I haven’t binged any series in almost two years, I think that’s pretty respectable. This means I won’t discuss the last few episodes here, except for a couple of things I was unfortunately spoiled for already, hence full spoilers.

These are basically my first thoughts and opinions after the binge and a good night’s sleep. It’s gonna be a lot so if you don’t care or don’t want spoilers…

TL;DR: 7½/10. Generally enjoyable, there are some aspects I’m not exactly fan of, but no dealbreakers

Firstly to everyone who told me that this was the new ATLA: you all need to rewatch Avatar stat! Like seriously. There are definitely parallels and given the cast and crew I think that’s what they were going for too (which is why I think it’s fair to compare the two), but still, no.

Secondly I love most of the worldbuilding and love that the series at least tries to give it to us in a bit of a non-linear fashion, even if it is kind of clumsy at times. I know some people are put off by expository dialogue and flashbacks, but I’m an epic fantasy nerd, I need that sweet, sweet lore to live as much as you mortals need food.

I like that there was clearly an effort made to integrate the worldbuilding in more subtle ways. For example you may initially find it kind of weird that all these different human ethnicities are existing perfectly integrated in what looks like a medieval society, until you remember from the opening monologue that the Human Kingdoms are the result of a massive diaspora following the human exodus from Xadia, so obviously people got all mixed up everywhere. It’s representation with an excellent in-world reason and that just brings me joy.

I also love the magic system(s) even though we haven’t really gone into that just yet. it really feels like there was a genuine effort made to create underlying mechanics for the magic rather than just making each spell a vaguely elemental themed ability. I really hope we’ll dive deeper into that in coming seasons.

I also like the little nods to other works of fantasy: Ezran’s ability to talk with animals is a reference to Tolkien’s world where some royal bloodlines had the ability to speak with animals, specifically birds; Primal Magic and its spells being cast with Ancient Draconic runes and words might be reminiscent of the Ancient Language from the Inheritance Cycle etc.

Thirdly the main cast is great. Callum, Ezran and Rayla are all interesting and relatable characters in their own right and as a group. I’m not going into each of them individually here, but while I think the series as a whole falls short of ATLA, as protagonist parties go I dare say this one is nearly on nearly on par with the gAang.¹

And yes, I love Bait, which I really did not expect following the first few episodes. I love his weird pug-toad-chameleon design, I love that he works like a flashbang whenever somebody says a quote from Scarface (I wish they hadn’t dropped that later on) and I love how done he is with everything and everyone at all times. I’ve only had him for 25 episodes, but if anything happened to him I would kill all of my followers and then myself.

On top of that, and speaking as someone who god knows is really not into shipping, I love Rayla and Callum’s relationship. It’s believable, it’s refreshing and it brings out the best in both characters without changing basically anything about them. Just two good friends who fell in love. A++, maybe even S tier.

Unfortunately though I can’t sing the same kind of praises about the villains. None of them are terrible (as in terribly written, most of them are pretty awful people), but with one exception they just don’t stand up to the protagonists in quality.

I could simply not take Viren seriously. Even now that is probably the single most powerful magic user in the world, he just has such strong Karen energy, every time he finishes a speech I am overcome with the urge to say “Sir, this is a Wendy’s” and it does not help the mood. I’m not even sure why. It might’ve been the voice because the guy who did Viren (Jason Simpson) also does a lot of kinda slimy characters in various anime dubs, it might be that over-the-top walking stick, idk.

What I’m saying is that as a primary antagonist he simply did not work for me. Which is doubly a shame because this kind of tarnishes the real “Big Bad” of this story by proxy. Aaravos, even as an invisible ghost, with his voice coming out of a caterpillar and next to no info on his backstory, has more style and gravity than all the human antagonists combined. It helps that he is by far the best designed character and Erik Dellums has the voice of a young god, but I’d argue even without that unfair advantage he has the potential to be a top tier villain. While he is stuck as Viren’s “little bug-pal” though he is just being dragged down.

(I’m aware that as of the final episode the caterpillar familiar is undergoing metamorphosis, probably to create a new body for Aaravos’ spirit to inhabit outside of the magic mirror, so I’m definitely hyped for more of him in the coming seasons.)

As for Soren and Claudia, I’ve got mixed feelings. This was one more aspect of the show that a lot of people compared to Avatar and while I see the parallels to Zuko & Azula, they are still very different, at least where Claudia is concerned. I’d also just like to mention that a lot of people told me that they thought the direction in which their storylines went were really surprising and I can’t disagree more. I predicted that Soren would defect to the protagonists on episode 5 right after Viren told him to kill the princes and I knew Claudia was going to stick with her father from episode 12 onward. My point is, it didn’t feel like some kind of plot twist, the way some people made it out to be, and which I don’t think was the intent.

I definitely got the sense that Soren was at least a Zuko-type character, though still not a Zuko clone, and as with Zuko I was consistently able to empathise and sympathise with him and his predicaments. I also appreciated that his dilemma is the result of his convictions and not him being kind of dense, which would’ve been all to easy and probably would’ve ruined his character for me. As it stands he is extremely milktoast, but perfectly functional for his purpose in the story and I can definitely see him evolving further and getting more interesting as we go on.

Claudia is where it gets complicated. Again, I can see the Azula parallels. But unlike that character, who is her father’s animal 110%, Claudia doesn’t strike me as a victim of Viren’s manipulation the way Soren undoubtably is. The way she talks about and uses Dark Magic, how she talks down to Soren and how even Viren finds it difficult to communicate with her, tells me as an audience member that she is an independent person. Which tells me that the cruelty and enthusiasm for causing harm she regularly displays is her own will. And that was before she straight up leads Callum on to manipulate him.

On the other hand I can absolutely relate to her devotion to her family, her big sister role (even though she is younger than Soren) and the way both the separation of her parents before the story and Soren’s injury in episode 16 must’ve affected her because of this. I know that, if my brother had become paralysed from the neck down and I knew a way to heal him, I would not have hesitated to kill that fawn either. Then again her relationship with her father is very different from parental relationships I am familiar with, so I can’t really say I see why she is so devoted to him, other than she promised her mother to stay with him years ago? ¯\(o_Ō)/¯

So basically Claudia falls into an emotional grey space for me. I can’t really tell how to feel about her either way and I’ll just have to see where she goes from here, which, while fine, isn’t necessarily great for an end of season cliffhanger imo.

Seeing as I’ve already talked about some of the show’s shortcomings, I think it’s time to dive into some of the what I would consider flaws.

Firstly this show needed at least 12 episode seasons. I have never made a secret out of my dislike for the modern short seasons and while I recognise that in the current climate in the industry giving everything full 25 episode seasons isn’t really doable, the pacing of this show, especially for the first season is just outright bad at times. It works as of the second season, but the first season alternately feels like it’s either rushing through or crawling along the whole way through.

The believability of Rayla’s and the princes’ relationship really suffers from this the most. It comes a bit out of nowhere on the boat ride and is then taken for granted way to quickly. Like Callum, seriously, this girl tried to kill you and your brother not even a day ago and you are currently cut off from all allies you have ever had until now. A little skepticism isn’t misplaced here. I also wold’ve liked if we’d just gotten a bit more of a sense of movement with the characters. I get that this is not the kind of show where we can just make an entire episode about the characters travelling and camping, intercut with plots centred around a more expansive supporting cast, but still I really would’ve preferred if Xadia didn’t feel quite so around the corner.

Another issue is with setup and payoff, which I think is partially a consequence of the pacing as well. A lot of smaller plot points are set up within the same episode as the payoff just wreak havoc on the narrative structure. A good example is the episode where they ride down the river in a boat and Bait tires to go into the water, but is saved by Ezran, who then explains the story behind Glowtoads and how they are pefect bait for large water predators. Then Bait falls into the water and is attacked by a massive water monster. This happens within five minutes of one episode and never comes up again. To me that looks like sign of rushed editing, which is probably not entirely the crew’s fault, given that they are on a schedule from Netflix, but it’s still a point of critique.

It unfortunately also manifests in the occasional line of horribly forced dialogue, often for things we can literally see happening on screen. Again, this is mostly the case in the earlier episodes, but it never completely goes away.

Finally, and this is where i get into serious issues that made me want to write this, we gotta talk about representation in this show.

First: disabled representation, meaning Amaya. Why is Amaya deaf? Because it’s good to have disabled representation.

Why is Amaya deaf and a high-ranking military officer? Because they didn’t think it through.

I know this may be a contentious opinion, but it is my belief that the purpose of representation, particularly of disabilities characters may suffer from, in fiction is to, y’know, represent people as they are in life. That includes especially the struggles they face and have to overcome, sometimes their whole life. This is not just me talking out of my ass either. A couple years ago I discussed this with several people that are disabled, specifically blind or otherwise severely visually impaired, in a different context obviously, and the general consensus was that it’s better to have representation that shows their life and their abilities as they are, rather than how they might wish they could be.

A mute or deaf person cannot be a medieval fantasy army general, no matter how good they might be in melee combat or who’s sister they are, because at the end of the day, they’re not able to give commands while they are holding a sword and shield. That such a massive logical oversight, especially in comparison to the extremely well done example of representation I mentioned above, and has so little impact on the plot that it leads me to believe, this aspect of Amaya’s character was tacked on in the last minute without being given any thought for the sole reason of the story having a disabled person in it. All this does is necessitate the existence of two otherwise entirely unnecessary characters, Gren and Kazi, both of which achieve nothing, aside from sometimes being literal set dressing.

That is where representation ends and tokenism begins.

And unfortunately this generally lacklustre attitude also extends to the LGBT+ representation on the show.

As of S3E7 “Hearts of Cinder” we have had two onscreen gay couples on the show (onscreen in the sense that both partners were onscreen and they were somehow confirmed to be in a relationship on the show). One of these, the queens of Duren, literally die in the same flashback they are introduced in, which incidentally also features them invading a foreign nation to poach a rare animal and subsequently starting the conflict at the series’ core. Not a great look.

Aside from serving as a tragic backstory for their daughter, the most impact they had on my viewing experience was that they made wonder how the fuck royal succession works in Duren. (People who know me are rolling their eyes right now because I’m bringing anarchism into this Dragon Prince review, but I’m telling you, this why fantasy monarchies aren’t compatible with LGBT+ politics in the same setting. Dynastic governments are inherently bigoted, you can’t have it both ways.)

The other couple are Runaan and Ethari, Rayla’s caretakers, although if I’m being honest you wouldn’t be able tell based on Runaan’s treatment of Rayla in the first episode. By the time we actually meet Ethari and find out about their relationship with Rayla, Runaan is suffering “a fate worse than death” (direct quote from the show) trapped in a gold coin.

I mean come on. That’s about as “technically not ‘bury your gays’” as it gets.

I think I need to reiterate here that my point is not that this show or its creators are somehow malicious. As i stated in the TL;DR: I don’t think this is a dealbreaker for liking this show. But it does demonstrate that they are prone to slipping to some potentially harmful tropes and this needs to be criticised and pointed out to them.

In conclusion, I really love this show. It’s not ATLA, it never will be, nothing else will ever be ATLA no matter how badly (and terribly) Netflix tries. But it does and should not have to be.

What it has to do though is improve. A lot of the building blocks are already there, such as Aaravos or Claudia’s development, Callum’s father, the origin of Ezran’s ability, the purpose of the “Key of Aaravos”, the true fate of King Harrow (we all know his soul is in the bird, right?) etc. Some things like the treatment of Amaya’s disability unfortunately won’t be fixable as far as I can tell, but if they at least manage to fix the gay representation I can make my peace with that.

¹ I know I said I wouldn’t go into each of the characters individually, but a) you should never trust a stranger on the internet and b) I really want to talk a bit about Callum. Specifically the “mystery” of why the hell he is connected to the Sky Primal. I write “mystery” because I think it’s fairly obvious from whence this talent came: there is only one humanoid species we know of with innate access to the Sky Arcanum and one of Callum’s parent’s is unidentified, presumed dead. 2+2=4. Callum’s father was a Skywing Elf. That’s why he recognised Nyx’s boomerang weapon. He remembered one like it either from his very early childhood (remember that he has photographic memory) or Sarai kept one and he found it at some point.

On top of that the name “Callum” or at least the pronunciation is clearly derived from Latin “caelum” meaning “sky” or “weather” and I already mentioned that Ancient Draconic is just bad Latin. It’s not very subtle. Unless they pull a complete 180 concerning the lore about Primal Magic he’s definitely going to be a half-elf, which would also just so happen to make him the perfect mediator between the Human Kingdoms and Xadia. Hmm, it’s almost as if they are planning ahead.

My question: How the fuck did that happen? Or rather: how did that fuck happen? I don’t think even Harrow knew or he probably would’ve a) paid more attention when Sarai advised against poaching the Magma Titan, because obviously she’s gotten around Xadia more than him, if y’know what i’m sayin’ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) or at least b) put it in his final letter to Callum. Unfortunately we know basically nothing about Sarai except that she was a soldier alongside Amaya and already had Callum before marrying Harrow. So does Amaya know? This is probably the most interesting plot thread in the whole story and as far as my friends told me it’s not going to be touched on anymore in the last two episodes than it already has thus far, which is basically not at all.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

[threeletterslife]

Chana! What are some stories that have stayed with you through the years, and writing that has impacted your own?

ooh nice question! i wasn’t sure if you meant some of mY stories or others’ stories, so i’ll answer it both ways! (this post is crazily long i’m so so sorry)

some of my own stories that have stayed with me through the years: you & me both, over the moon and insurrection/the exam

y&mb was the first full-on angst story i’ve ever published. (before publishing that, i was actually known for being a fluff writer 🤡 i know, crazy, right??) but y&mb sits in a very special place in my heart. when i was writing it, i was happy with where my life was going (i’d finally gotten out of the slumps) and the topics showcased in the story actually really hit close to home so i was also seriously invested in the characters too. overall, it was my best work for a while. but looking back, i feel like i could’ve written it so much better. it was only like what? less than a year ago? but idk i love it but hate it at the same time. the kind of thing where i laugh and cry at the memories from it, but also would HATE to read it again. still, the plot of y&mb was something i developed for YEARS before i even attempted to write it, so yes, it did stay with me through the years. and i know for a fact it’ll stay with me for longer in the future

otm is an interesting one. i finished the series this year i think (which sounds so crazy,, it feels so long ago). but the plot i planned for years! i always save my *special* plots until i think i’m capable of writing them. i still think i should’ve waited a lil longer when i wrote otm because i’m not 100% sure that was my best work ever. but otm just makes me reflect back on the crazy times. like the characters in the story, i also felt so confused and unsure and NUMB when i was writing otm—mostly because the pandemic had just gotten serious in my country and things had started to become like a mf SHITSHOW :(( i connect so much with the characters in otm... (i mean, who doesn’t love an intj mc qUEEN??) so yeah. i also LOVE oc and yoongi’s relationship in otm. their romance is actually something i want with my future s.o. LOL (something subtle, something steadfast and most importantly—STEADY). i wish i could rewrite it now fsjfjj but that goes for all of my stories

insurrection/the exam kinda go together. i’ve had the idea for insurrection the longest out of ALL of these stories lol. i think i mentioned it before but i always felt so intrigued by a ‘school revolt’ kind of idea. so i always kinda wanted to write a lowkey satirical(?) story full of morally ambiguous characters and questionable academic organizations. that turned out to be insurrection, which i waited for (i think? three to four years?) before i finally wrote it. AGAIN, it could’ve been better, but at this point, let’s just accept the fact that i’ll never be satisfied LOL. insurrection’s welton high school is based on my own high school,,, so you can tell how shitty my experience with education was in my high school years 🥳anyways, that’s why insurrection is so important to me. i feel like, in a way, it tells my story (and my friends’ stories too). the exam is a less optimistic (more satirical) view on the education system. while insurrection focused more on the students (their passions, their will to rebel and ‘cheat’ the shitty system), the exam focused more on the unfairness that students’ intelligence could be scored with fucking TESTS. one test that determines your whole future. utopia and dystopia respectively represented privileged children (who were more likely to succeed in the exam) and the lesser privileged children (who would inevitably fail the exam because they were never given the resources). yeah, i think the exam could’ve been executed better, but i think the overarching theme was there, which i’m pretty satisfied with. i’m passionate about screaming that the american education system sucks (as you can tell by this painfully long paragraph) lol i’m thinking of writing a fic in the future about an education system that actually works!!

ANYWAYS I’M SO SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH FUCK. BUT THERE’S MORE,,, HANG ON

others’ stories and writings that have impacted my own!!

starting with published authors! i’m a huge HUGEJFLKDJFLSDJ fan of louis sachar (i’m convinced this man is a genius lol). i LOVED holes, i LOVED small steps, i LOVED fuzzy mud, i LOVEDDD the whole wayside school series. he’s so witty? and creative??? like i owe all my outrageous ideas to him because he probably single-handedly taught me creativity when i was a kid LOL another author i LOVE is fredrik backman. he writes the best slice of life/coming of age stories. i’m particularly fond of a man called ove and my grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry (which inspired nothing a lil green can’t fix!!). honorable mentions go to ishiguro’s never let me go, faulkner’s as i lay dying, juster’s the phantom tollbooth. omfg i also had a HUGE shannon hale phase (the goose girl, enna burning, rapunzel’s revenge)—very fairy tale-esque but so magical and charming and CAPTIVATING!! i owe all of these authors a huge motherfucking THANK YOU. because they built me up this far 😭😭😭i love authors who are able to fully develop their characters or have the most amazing world-building ever. i think that’s why i put so much emphasis on my characters too. i rlly learned from the best 😭😭

as for internet authors!! i actually IDOLIZED this one author from wattpad (she was SERIOUSLY underrated). and i know there’s a stigma around wattpad authors (lowkey rightfully so; there’s some nasty stuff on there) but chloe was so SO talented. she wrote like a poet. it was insane. i never saw anyone who had a way with words like her. we were actually pretty close for a while but lost touch over the years. anyways, she wrote this beautiful, heartbreaking story called chrysanthemum,,, she deleted her account though so it’s not there anymore. (i know. i agonized over this for hours). she also wrote a horror fic (creatures) that STILL chills me to the bones. she inspired me to try writing horror too (in the future, i will!) 

other than that, i love all of @inktae​’s fics! she’s also an AMAZING writer. (her writing style is so eloquent and elegant and ugh! perfection!) her stories will make you feel nostalgic and lowkey heartbroken. she also writes a lot about nature/being around nature—it’s such a nice, beautiful, serene feeling. (she’s also the master of bittersweet endings!) i think i became obsessed with bittersweet endings because of her LOL some of her works that literally breathed LIFE into me: the blue notebooks, below thunder showers, written on the sky, first light (all of them are worth reading. her fics make you want to become a novelist—the inspiration i get from them is amazing!)

another legend is @jimlingss​!! i still keep up with literally all of her works because istg she never disappoints. she has such a simple but fluent writing style, which i LOVE! it’s engaging through and through. and man, she has a talent for storytelling! but the one thing no other internet author can top is kina’s characters. some published authors can’t even develop a single protagonist in the 456 book pages they wrote yikes. (but just saying, kina can do it in like 9k words.) i have no idea how she does it but her characters just feel human—even if they're not, they STILL FEEL REAL??? (sorry i’m just fangirling) but like i’m serious, she really did inspire me to start putting more depth to my characters. after all, why would the reader be invested in a story if they don’t give two shits about the bland-ass characters?? her pivotal works that made ME wanna pIVOT my whole writing career: tears of a villain, flames and floe, game of temptation, head over heels to hell, a voyage to liberation, ghost in the machine, the weekend massacre, love pages, moirai, a piece of the moonlight

i mean look, i’d put down way more fics of kina’s that inspired me to become the writer that i am now,,, but i don’t wanna make this long ass ask even longer so ummm i’ll have to stop 😭😭but i am literally in love with all of these published and internet authors. i just don’t understand how they are so talented. i really DO learn from the best. and i learned different things from each author too!! 

all of these stories (mine and others) have impacted my writing in some way or another. from my own, i learned from my mistakes lol. from others, i learned how to be a better writer. you can only write as much as you read. i stand by that fact to this day

anyways i’m so sorry you had to read this whole fucking essay 😭😭😭😭

[mal0dramatic]

ALL OF THEM

The be honest meme

What would prevent you from following someone? If they’re underage. I’m not comfortable with that.

Are aesthetics important to you? If they are, why? I like aesthetics, but they’re not a must.

What current rp trend do you hate? The super tiny icons that are so over/undersaturated you can’t tell what’s in them. And also the over-formatting of text.

How do you explain rp to someone in the real world? Bahahah I don’t. I just say I write stories with people.

Do you prefer interacting with male muses or female more? Why? Femaleeee I love the females allll day.

Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why? Female, I guess? It depends on my mood.

What’s your opinion on call out posts? I don’t have one. Neutral.

Name any three things about the rpc that bother you. 1 - I feel like a lot of RPers left after the porn ban, and now there’s fewer people left to write with. 2 - SUPER. TINY. ICONS. 3 - People thinking female muses aren’t interesting. Like...what?? how?? babe are you ok?

What is your opinion on exclusivity? Do you practice it? Why / why not? I don’t, but I do sometimes get wrapped up in specific ships/threads for a while.

Have you ever had a bad experience with commissions? As either someone who makes them or as someone who buys them? No, never. I’ve never made or requested any. I’d rather learn how to do stuff myself.

What do you know now about rp that you wish you knew when you first started? Hm...I really don’t know. Maybe I wish I’d known how to network more?

Have you been involved in drama? Do you regret it? Yeah in a way. I’ve been in messy situations. I do regret it, but also learned from it I think. 

Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind? Hm, not leaving forever but like, taking a break. At one point I wrote a character that just started to bore me, and I really needed a break to regain inspiration for a few new ones.

Do you think rp has had a positive or negative affect on your life or you as a person? Overall, positive! It’s an escape, I think. And also it’s just fun.

How has rp changed you personally? I’ve learned how to write better. And also how to communicate better, because online it’s harder to tell how people are really feeling so it’s important to be extra clear. Tbh I’m still not always great with this, though.

If you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be? Why? Hm...more lesbians? :D

Have you ever sent a message to yourself on anon? Why? Nope.

Have you ever sent hate to yourself on anon? Why? Nope.

Do you delete anon hate or post and address it? Why? I’ve never gotten anon hate. Surprisingly. But I’d probably look at it and try to decide whether it has any valid criticism in it, or if it’s just blind insults. If it’s the former, I might post it and address the criticism. 

Have you ever felt pressured to write something you weren’t comfortable with? Not really, no. I’ve pressured myself to write stuff sometimes, but people never have pressured me. And I hope I’ve never pressured other people either.

Have you ever followed someone because you felt like you had to, not because you wanted to? Not really.

What would make you block someone? If they’re underage and following my blog with smut on it. It’s not personal, it’s just uncomfortable.

Have you ever stolen something from someone else? Yeah when I was like 14 lol, I had no originality.

Have you ever had something stolen from you? If so, how did you handle it? I don’t think so? Not that I know of. If I did, idk, I’d probably let it go. Two portrayals are never the exact same.

Are you open to duplicates? Why / why not? Sure, I guess. But I rarely write with canon characters so it’s not really something that happens.

How do you feel about vague posting? Very annoying. Lmao especially if I ask the person what they mean and they’re like “LOL”. And that’s it. 

Do you follow people even if they don’t follow you back? Yes!

Do you read people’s rules before following or interacting? Yes!

What is your opinion on “reblog karma” and do you practice it? Nah, reblog whatever you want from my page I don’t care. If you send me stuff I’ll be more inclined to send you stuff as well, but no pressure.

How have you responded to popular slang used on tumblr? Do you use it in every day life? Do you use it at all? What kind of slang are we talking? Because if it’s the word “bruh” then yes. All the time.

Is there something you don’t know the meaning of but you haven’t asked anyone because you think it’s supposed to be general knowledge? Was there ever something you had to ask someone to explain? I still don’t fully understand the Alpha/Beta/Omega thing and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.

Have you ever experienced discrimination? I mean...people favor male muses on this website, in my experience. But I don’t really want to call it discrimination because if it’s someone’s preference, I can’t really be mad at them for that. People just wanna write what they’re interested in. It’s not my job to police them about it.

How do you feel about personal blogs following your rp blog? Why? Lol I don’t get it. But go off I guess.

Have you ever cried while writing a reply? Yes, but for reasons unrelated to RP.

Do you read other people’s threads or do you only read your own? I only read my own LMAO is that selfish

What’s one thing that other people seem to hate that doesn’t bother you? Having people use my gifs and reblogging memes from my page. 

How do you feel about tagging triggers? Do you tag them? How do you determine what is triggering content and what isn’t? I try to tag everything. Sometimes stuff slips through the cracks. But I think it’s a good system, people can block whatever they don’t want to see. Things I would generally tag as triggering content include: murder, death, assault, drugs, addiction, rape, abuse, abduction, etc. 

What advice would you give to someone new to rp? Use gifs or icons in your open starters, more people will reply to them. I know it’s unfair and it doesn’t really say anything about whether your writing is good or not but using gifs/icons will give you more interactions. 

[purplesurveys]

743

Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: A local celebrity posted the very first photo of her newborn on her Instagram and tbh it was something we’ve all just been lowkey waiting for because that couple is super attractive and stylish and we’ve always wanted to see how the kid would look like. Simply put, the baby is the cutest ever and she’s so pretty and gah she just looks like such an angel. Name something within the past week that made you frown: There’s been a lot of upsetting stuff on the news, but the worst has been when policemen shot a man that they thought was going to pull out a gun. Turned out that said man was 1) pulling out a water bottle and 2) a former soldier suffering from PTSD and the standoff was actually greatly upsetting him. Welcome to the Philippines where the police are still hellbent on using their guns in the middle of a public health crisis. Name somebody who you wish would cut you a break sometimes: My mom always has something to criticize about me. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: Andrew. I don’t want to share their life story on here but suffice it to say it’s been a lot and it’s been rough, and they deserve a goddamn break. Name something you own that has high sentimental value: Probably the tickets to the first museum Gabie and I went to together, six years ago. Museum dates have long been my dream date and that was one amazing day, so I'm really glad I made the decision to keep it.

Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: Obviously the virus being gone but also the terms that are in place for now because of it, like halting foreign travel or not being able to go to the mall. Name something that you're good at but don't like: Arguing or confrontation. I can come up with good arguments and I pride myself on being able to speak well whether publicly or not; and in fact my parents have always asked me why I never took up debate or if I have any interest in pursuing law – but I actually hate it. I hate the ever-looming possibility of suddenly not knowing how to respond or rebut; plus the very nature of two clashing sides simply stresses me out. Name something that you're bad at but DO like: Singing, at least when I’m alone in my car. Also baking! I find it really fun but I always have to bake with someone who’s more experienced than I am. Name something that you like about the person you argue most with: She’s very organized and can make anything clean and spotless no matter how dirty and stained they’ve gotten. Name something that you strongly believe in: That the world will eventually be a lot kinder to LGBT couples with families. I have to believe in it; I want the world to be gentle to my kids. One day at a time, folks. Name something was funny to you but not to anybody else: Idk man, if it isn’t funny to anyone else it’s probably offensive. Name somebody who has tried to help you and ended up hurting you: My mom’s love languages seem to be criticism and a lot of tough love. Long story short, they are not mine. Name something that you had to learn the hard way: No matter how nice you are to everyone, there’ll always be people who will remain extremely cold and shitty for absolutely no reason and you can’t blame or be upset with them if that’s just the way they are. I learned this in PE class when I forgot to follow a certain instruction and I personally went to the coach to apologize, but she literally turned her back on me and completely ignored me. I wasn’t used to such a treatment so I vented to Angela about it after and told her how unfair I felt it was, but I understood it after she told me that no matter how much Catholic school (and common sense, tbh) taught us to have good manners and greet everyone we see and be nice and polite, none of that shit will always matter in the real world, when we get thrown in the mix with people who now come from different, sometimes rougher backgrounds. Name a date that has a lot of significance to you: March 16. It’s the birthday we made up for Kimi. Name something that you didn't like when you were younger but like now: Chicken curry. I found the flavor too strong when I was a kid, but I had no idea Indian food was gonna end up being my favorite cuisine when I got older lol. Name something that you liked when you were younger but don't like now: I’d say Spongebob? To this day I’ll still only watch the episodes I grew up seeing but I can’t bother with the newer seasons. The way they are drawn is too different and unfamiliar, the humor isn’t the same anymore, and they’ve introduced so many third-party characters it’s hard to keep track. I’ll always give it a lot of credit for being a very important part of my childhood though. Name something in your life that was a blessing in disguise: Deciding to skip out on joining my current org in freshie year. I joined the year after and the batch I turned out to be a part of was the biggest applicant batch for the org in recent memory, and all my closest friends in college have been from that batch, like JM, Laurice, Aya, Jo, Kate, Jum, and Hannah. Name something that you've done that would be considered rebellious: I didn’t submit a single final project for home economics in 6th grade. That year’s home ec was focused on embroidery, sewing, and crocheting and I just didn’t give a shit about all three back then. I still have no clue how I left that class with a mark of 91. Name something that you wish you never found out: If it’s something I wish I never found out it means it greatly upset me, and I don’t wanna go racking my brain for stuff that greatly upset or triggered me. Name something that you dislike about the majority of girls: Not majority anymore but some girls will still have the let’s-pit-these-two-women-against-each-other mindset and it’s just so old now. Name something you like about the majority of guys: I don’t think there’s one. Name something you wish you had enough money to do: Keep traveling, durrrr. Name something that you wish you could say to somebody: I had very high expectations for you as a prof but your response to the virus re: online classes has been disappointing to say the least. To think we all thought you cared for students’ welfare. Name something that you wish somebody would say to you: That they were gonna come over to my place in a bit. Name something that you wish you had the ability to fix: I wish I had enough money to go ahead and fix the stuff that that piece of shit Jeff Bezos and other selfish billionaires are too lazy to fix, like ending world hunger or providing clean water. I’m feeling so strongly about that now after seeing this amazing infograph someone made about just how much money he has. Name something "bad" you've done on purpose to somebody else: I was feeling petty on the first Sunday that my mom made our entire family sit around her phone to watch a livestream of a mass, so before it started I made sure I had Netflix (which HOOOOOGS bandwidth) turned on both my laptop and phone. The stream ended up being shitty and skipped a lot of parts of the mass. Definitely wasn’t the best daughter that day and even I was surprised at whatever came over me for me to do something that mischievous. I never did it again lmao. Name something you could never forgive a person for: If they abused their pet. Name something you're lucky to have: My dog.

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

[zutaralesbian]

001: Euphoria, Black Sails. 002: Rue/Jules. 003: Eleanor Guthrie, Jules Vaughn.

Already answered Black Sails! :)

Euphoria:

Favorite character: Jules. This was initially born out of spite because of all the ridiculous hate she got but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she really is my fave. Despite what a lot of people say, I think she's genuinely one of the nicer people on the show. But she just has a lot of her own issues and is still trying to find herself. I feel very protective of her lol. Rue is a close second fave though.

Least Favorite character: Probably Cal Jacobs

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Rue/Jules, Cassie/Maddy, and Kat/Ethan. That's it really.

Character I find most attractive: None of them really. I think Rue and Jules are both really pretty but they're minors. And Zendaya and Hunter are also both a little too young for me.

Character I would marry: None of them. They're kids.

Character I would be best friends with: Lexi is probably the one I'd get along with best, honestly. But I also kind of feel like Jules is one of those extroverts who would adopt introverts as her friends and that's how 99% of my school friendships started, including the one with my best friend lol.

a random thought: I can't believe they really made Zendaya read L*rry fanfiction out loud lmao

An unpopular opinion: Eh....I can't really think of anything other than loving Jules and believing that she isn't any more "toxic" than most of the other characters lol. But idk how unpopular that is. There are a lot of Jules haters but she also has a good amount of stans.

My Canon OTP: Rue/Jules. I just want them both happy :(

My Non-canon OTP: Cassie/Maddy. Maddy needs to ditch Nate and date her soulmate.

Most Badass Character: Rue. Her confrontation with Nate in the finale was iconic. I hope she wrecks his shit next season.

Most Epic Villain: "Epic" is a strong word but I actually do think Nate is kind of interesting as a villain. He falls into the "love to hate him" categories of villains for me. I think it's partly because I think Jacob Elordi is one of the strongest actors on the show. It probably helps that other than following certain blogs and venturing into the Jules Vaughn and Rue x Jules tags, I'm not too involved in the fandom. So idk how rampant Nate woobifying is other than the fact that there are some freaks who ship him with Jules.

Pairing I am not a fan of: Jules/Nate 🤢 Luckily I don't think it's THAT rampant yet

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Kat's characterization got a little crazy for a while there but I don't think she was screwed up per se.

Favourite Friendship: I'd say Cassie/Maddy but I also ship it romantically lol. Um....I'll go with Rue/Fez even if I do find it kind of problematic considering he was her drug dealer.

Character I most identify with: Kat. I didn't really grow up as a fat girl (though I'm far from being skinny) but the whole thing with her getting lost in online fandoms and fictional worlds to cope with her loneliness is something that I think a lot of us can relate to.

Character I wish I could be: Eh....none really lol

Rue/Jules:

When I started shipping them: I think it was 1x02 that sold me on the ship. It was strange because they met, became friends, and started developing feelings really fast and I usually can't get into ships like that. But something about their chemistry and dynamic really speaks to me and makes me melt.

My thoughts: They are an unhealthy relationship but NOT an abusive one. And they have potential to become healthy if they both work out their own problems as individuals. It's clear that they both care about each other a lot and when things are good between them, it really is good. They have a lot of potential to make each other happy and give the other what they need. And their chemistry is so good and tender. They make me soft in both the best and worst ways.

What makes me happy about them: That they get so much screen time together, more so than any other pair.

What makes me sad about them: That they're both so lost and troubled atm :(

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: There isn't a ton of Euphoria fic yet and I've only read like two Rue/Jules fics lol. So nothing.

Things I look for in fanfic: I'd love to read some established relationship fics with the two of them that take place where they're both in healthier places. I have an idea in my head of one taking place during their college years where they're both juggling school, their mental health, and having a relationship with each other. Maybe one day I'll write it lol

My wishlist: For them to both grow and heal and characters and then eventually come back together stronger.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I don't really ship either of them with anyone else. For Rue I might have said Lexi if the shippers didn't make me resent the pairing so much.

My happily ever after for them: The two of them finish high school and go to college while attending therapy. Somewhere down the line, they move to New York City and get their own apartment together. They also get a cat. (It's Jules' idea. Rue is initially kind of grumpy about it because cats could have fleas and they have to clean the litter box. But she eventually grows to love it just as much as Jules). And they're both happy.

Eleanor Guthrie:

How I feel about this character: I love Eleanor so, so much and I'm sad about her always. I loved her right from her very first appearance on the show and I so wish she had gotten a better ending.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Max. I don't know how I ended up loving a ship that broke up romantically in the second episode of the show so much but I do. And I loved that they became friends again before the end and that their importance to each other was never truly forgotten. I also dig Miranda/Eleanor as a crack ship. And Eleanor/Mrs. Hudson.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Flint. I loved how much respect they always had for each other, even when they were technically on different sides. I also really wish we had gotten some sort of Eleanor/Anne dynamic outside of those scenes in S1. Even if the dynamic ended up not being entirely positive, I wanted some more interaction between the two of them lol.

My unpopular opinion about this character: She was killed at least partly for manpain. People can argue all they want but they literally made her pregnant just to make her death more painful for Rogers.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: That she hadn't died. I also would have liked to see her with another woman if we couldn't get more Maxanor. It's unfair that after Max (which didn't last long) we only got to see her with two shitty men.

Favorite friendship for this character: I liked her scenes with Madi in late S4 and I wish we could've seen more of that dynamic. Eleanor died trying to save her :(

My crossover ship: I don't do crossovers. But I've seen the fandom pass off the idea of Eleanor/Elizabeth Swann from POTC a few times and I think that's sort of intriguing.

Jules Vaughn:

How I feel about this character: I love her a lot and I feel like she's very misunderstood. As I said before, I believe she's one of the genuinely nicer characters on the show but has a lot of her own shit and problems to deal with. I think some people are way harder on her than they are other characters and that annoys me.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Rue and that's it.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:  We don't see a lot of it but her friendship with Kat seems cute. I also like her dad.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Whenever people bring up Rue/Jules being unhealthy, they always cite Jules as the only reason it's unhealthy and I don't think that's fair. Rue literally makes herself dependant on Jules to stay sober and that's a lot of unfair pressure to put on a teenager, especially one that's dealing with her own problems.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: That she hadn't slept with Cal Jacobs. That scene was so gross and made me uncomfortable. I get that hooking up with married men is a by-product of a self esteem issue for her but at the very least, I didn't need to see it.

Favorite friendship for this character: Kat again.

My crossover ship: NA

Thanks! :)

[deniigi]

If you’re still doing the fic prompts, something with Tats Spidey and the whole gang, rallying around one of them who got sick and needs help? (prompt in honor of a recent diagnosis that I’m still trying to accept). Maybe have a dinosaur involved somehow, idk

Hey friend.

It’s not complete or like, amazing, but here: Peter’s got an anxiety disorder.

–

When he’d first gotten the diagnosis,Peter wasn’t sure if he was relieved or not. Part of him thought that hey, hefinally had a reason—a state sanctioned, recognizable reason to feel like shitall the time. Literally all the time, but the idea of having to live with this—thisconstant state of fear. Heart-pounding, hands-shaking fear. Panic at the dropof hats and the desire to run, trapped in his knees at all times.

He couldn’t imagine a life likethat.

He couldn’t imagine having towrangle this beast every day for the rest of ever.

Just the thought brought everythingback into the center of his chest again and the weight there made him want tocry. Sob. Scream out at the unfairness of it all.

But then a hand caught his forearmand another one started stroking his hair.

“Honey,” May said, “You aren’talone. I’ve got it, too. I know. It’s scary, I know.”

The knots holding his chesthostage loosened at the sound of her voice. At the realization that hey, Maywas just a normal person. She did normal people things. She went to work, shecame home, cooked an inedible meal, watched shit tv, raised a child, and thenwoke up the next day to do it all again. She’d done that for years, longer thanPeter had been alive.

And she’d made it.

She didn’t have any specialpowers. Just…tenacity. Quiet tenacity.

May wrapped her arms around himand told him that it would be okay and he wanted so bad to believe her.

–

“Aw, kiddo. Take a deep breath,you’re gonna be fine,” Wade said, sharpening knives at his table. “When theydiagnosed me with the schiz I thought the fuckin’ world was ending. Thought I’dnever find quiet again with these fucking characters chatterin’ around in mygoddamn melon all day. Not to mention all the other shit, feel’s like thefuckin’ floor is fallin’ in sometimes, right? I get that.”

Sometimes the floor. But othertimes, it felt like his heart was a void, sucking all the pleasure andhappiness and calm from everything and everyone around him. Including himself.His heart felt sometimes like it sucked the serotonin and dopamine from his ownbrain.

Selfish. Unendingly selfish.

“Peter, breathe. In. Out. Countto three.”

1

2

3

“Out.”

1

2

3

“Good. How many days does it taketo break a habit?”

What? What did he mean?

“I mean, how many days does ittake you to add new shit to your routine without that thing naggin’ at the backof your head?”

Peter didn’t know. Peter hadn’thad anything to deal with like this before.

“’Round 2 months, they say,” Wadesaid. “Somewhere around two to three months for a lot of things. Longer thanthat for some people, some things, but we’re talking two to three months forlike, simplicity’s sake. And actually, you deal with it all the fuckin’ time,believe it or not. Think about it—when you moved into your new place, how longdid it take you to start leavin’ your keys in the same damn place? How long didit take you to get used to livin’ in a dorm? When did the novelty break off?How long did the coolness of your bein’ 18 last? New shoes to stop hurting. Summerto be boring. We assimilate pain and newness and change into our lives everyfuckin’ day, it just takes us a couple of weeks for adjustment. All you gottado, Pete is get through that period of shock and frustration and things’ll evenout, kiddo. It’ll become your new normal and once it’s your new normal, shitwon’t feel so void-ish.”

Really? Like? Could he promise that?

“Can’t promise you shit, babyboy, but I can say that sittin’ around fixating on it will just break you inhalf.”

Right.

Right.

Okay. Breathe.

In.

1

2

3

Out.

1

2

3

–

DD: [voice message] peter you’re gonna be fine. You’ve carried thisaround for years, all that’s changed now is a piece of paper and yourawareness.

SM: I know. It just feels unbearable. Like, if I tell people, theyassume shit. Judge me. Oh, you have anxiety, you’re fragile. Or oh, you haveanxiety, you just need to get over yourself.

SM: shit like that, you know?

DD: [voice message] yeah I know. Trust me. I know. But they ain’tthe ones carrying this burden and in the end, they don’t matter. You got all thesepeople in your corner, kiddo. And we aren’t gonna let you fall. We’ve beenthere, we’ve got this. All you’ve got to do is reach out when shit gets realand we’ve got you. You understand?

SM: yes?

DD: [voice message] doyou really?

SM: maybe. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. I should just dealwith it, it’s my problem.

DD: [voice message] boy if we carried all our burdens by ourselveswe’d just break. There’s a reason people have got two hands. One for us, one togive to hold another’s. If one of them’s empty all the time, it feelspurposeless. Lean into it, Peter. For the sake of the other hands that want tohold yours.

SM: I don’t understand.

DD: you will. We got you. Call me if you need anything. Anytime.Anywhere, yeah?

SM: yeah. Thank you.

–

So the study about habit forming is here if you care: http://repositorio.ispa.pt/bitstream/10400.12/3364/1/IJSP_998-1009.pdf

But really, this is based off of my own experiences with my anxiety and tinnitus (there is absolutely nothing that has fucked me up more than realizing that I constantly hear things that no one else does and nothing I can do will make it stop. It triggered my anxiety BIG TIME and no amount of reading/research/forums helped with that. I only really felt better when my mom called me and revealed to me that she has had the same thing for her whole life and she’d never, ever told me, which to me, was a testament to how I could get used to it and move on with myself. She told me that eventually it would just become my new normal and once I stopped trying to reject it, it actually has. It still scares me sometimes, but it’s bearable and I am learning how to cope.) Obviously this is most likely not the same as your situation and it is a fairly mild/harmless condition for me, so I’m not trying to diminish what you’re going through, but rather I just hope that you get to experience that feeling of relief and of being held up by all the hands that want to hold yours, even when you feel like your palms are vastly empty.

Anyways. Wish you the best!

[legisaskerator]

vent vent vent

buckle up bastards this is gonna be long as FUCK

holy fucking shit my life yhas been so goddamn hard recently and i’m not handling it well

first and foremost on my mind at this second is the fact that i am in so much fucking pain right now i do not know what to do. my EDS is acting up really really badly and i’m super bedridden right now. i took my last vicodin and i have no idea when i can get more, or how, and i have like nothing to help. i had to leave class today to weep in the fuckin bathroom because i can barely walk and even sitting up is a struggle. if i felt this sort of pain three years ago i would have likely considered doing something VERY rash to stop it and i’m amazed i’m still, almost functioning. i can barely think i’m in agony i want it to end

i’m so scared this is just the next turn that eds is taking. i know i wont ever get better but fuck, i dont want to need a mobility aid yet. i’m only fucking 22 i have to be a teacher!!! how can i fucking teach if i cant write on a board?? or maneuver around classrooms? how will i ever get a job? or even just. live in the house of my dreams. i wish there was some help for me because i am tired of ehlers danlos running my life. i am scared for my future. i cant imagine who i will become if this level of pain becomes my “normal”. someone move me to mass so i can get legal weed to try to numb myself

on the same path of injury, my mother recently injured herself very badly and was hospitalized for a little w hile. ended up needing surgery to put rods and screws and plates in her leg/ankle, and as a result, she’s not functioning for the next 12 weeks. i’m doing my best to help out aroudn the house and i’m filling in for her at work. she does advertising for a newspaper and brings the papers to subscribing businesses,, which i’m taking over now. at least i like driving?

i love my mom and i will do anythign to help her, but god it’s such a load on my shoulders. i’m  upset and frustrated because i’m strugtgling to balance my life around this sudden responsibility. it’s definitely not her i’m upset about, it’s not like she did this purposefully??? she needs the help and i am willing to give it. but i am also allowed to feel these emotions. i am upset at the /situation/. her boyf and my sister are barely helping and they’re neglectful and distant. i’m the only emotionally present one in the family and also (aside from mom) am the only nurturing, caring one in the household. i keep her from having panic attacks, i keep her anxiety down, i’m warm and i try so goddamn hard to make sure shes ok. but it’s exhausting. i’m keeping my family together it feels like, everythings crashing down and i’m the only “sane” one. which is sad because ive been a depressed wreck for weeks and have been working on scraping myself off the fucking pavement, trying to get out of the spiral. i’m scared that my mom relies so much on me. she tells me everything, things i don’t want to hear. relationship troubles primarily. i know i give great advice and am ~wise beyond my years~ (thanks trauma) but, that’s what her therapist is for. i’ve told her i wish she would, tell me less, because as her daughter it’s uncomfortable, and she always overreacts like “oh i’ll never tel you anything again if it’s so terrible then” and i end up feeling fucking awful, and it’s a nightmare. but if things keep going the way they are in their relationship (i’m not gonna spill deets because, privacy still) we might lose our house!!! and everything we’ve finally worked for!!

so i feel like, if i can’t fix this problem, it’ll be my fault our lives come crashing down.

i know that’s ridiculous. it’s not my job. 

but it still feels like it

i never feel like i’m doing enough. just in life in general. i’m not good enough i’m not working hard enough i just am not enough. i was very saturated with child prodigy shit when i was younger and that fucked up my psyche so much. it’s still thrown at me by my father, americas got talent and movies where the protag is a ~genius~. i hate it. ill never be that and i know that’s what my dad wants of me. i’m not the next bill gates i just want to be a teacher and live my life!!!! i don’t want to start a band and get famous!!!! i dont want to run a business!! i don’t want to revolutionize the world!! just let me please! follow my heart!!!!!! i can’t fucking stand it when he tries to tell me what to do with my life it makes me want to scream and wail and sjafkl; fd fjasfg;akldf

i can’t do this, man. 

i’m so alone. i’m sick of the slut life. i’ve been hoeing around for a year and it’s taking a massive toll on my self esteem and sanity. i’s a terrible coping mechanism and i’m very very not healthy about it. i only have sex when i’m heavily under the influence of something and use it as a way of getting attention, which is, awful. i often forgo protection because it’s ~inconvenient~ and the second a guy protests, i’ll cave because i ~live to please~ and don’t want to start shit. i can’t keep doing this. hooking up is the only time people ever touch me. i just want a fuckign hug sometimes

i keep seeing so many posts like “you can’t love another if you don’t love yoursel!” and “people aren’t your medicine” but what if??? they can be to an extent?? part of being uber depressed is self-isolation and i’m so, sick of it. i need some fucking comfort because right now i am suffering through my life alone and it’s so difficult. it’s not as easy as just, settling though. i’m picky with my lovers because?? i deserve someone good? everyone that’s been coming through my life like, has a fatal flaw that i just can’t do. like long term compatability is risked for me with that shit.like, too introverted, too emotionally distant, people who just aren’t smart, i can’t do it?? i just want someone who’s going to comfort me when i need it, who i can have a healthy debate with, and someone who respects my life choices and things i do. 

i’ve been talking to one guy recently who, i was hoping maybe could have been a potential. he’s super nice and considerate/respectful, hes HELLA smart, adores a bunch of the same stuff i’m into, we talk really well together, i feel comfortabgle around him, gotta say he’s hot as fuck too...and he just wants friends with benefits. I respect that. i was in a similar spot literally last semester, there was a pretty great guy but i just wasn’t in the right space for a relationship. so friends with benefits. i don’t blame this new guy for not wanting a relationship he has every right!! but oh god it hurts a little. i worry that it’s me, that i’m just a good pussy for him, or a convenient lay who’s down to clown like 99% of the time. he’s been talking to me less recently and i’m worried that he’s...done with me. idk if that’s true or if i’m just reading into it but i’m in a VERY vulnerable place right now in my life, and i really need someone by my side for it. i need the support and warmth. 

i wish my warmth would comfort me. i wish i could turn my nurturing attitude around and help myself. i wish i didn’t need smoene else for comfort. i’m a fuckin libra tho i live for romance

this guys’ great though. i hope he sticks around at least for a little bit longer. i want to learn more bout lovecraft.

my sluttiness is my biggest qualm with myself right now. it’s definitely a huge problem in my life, it’s actively causing me problems. my one friend (because, i have only one fucking friend i can actually talk to. that’s it i hAVE ONE i’m so goddamn l,onely) has been like, coaching me through making better decisions? i’m very impulsive and he’s got great advice and is quick to be like “then don’t” and shit. i’m trying really hard to make sure i dont use him as a therapist though, that’s unfair to him. i’m respectful and all that shit don’t worry bout htat. he’s a huge help to me and has been my absolute rock through college, idk where i’d be without him. he also introduced me to his friend group, who are all really amazing people? they welcomed me with open arms and no ones ever done that before. i’m always super outcasted cause i’m weird and i wont hide it because it’s ME goddamnit! but these people, they’re weird too, they’re freaks and outcasts and, while they’ve all been very close friends since they were wee tots, they still welcomed me in. they still wanted me to be part of them. i’m getting to know all of them still, but i’ve got hope that, maybe i’ve got some lifelong friends now. at the very least, i’m sure i’ve got one. 

onto phase 4 of my fuckin monologue i guess, topic SHIFT

my thesis is a mess and it’s due in three weeks, i’ve barely gotten anything done because my teacher is awful and i’m worried i’m gonna fail the course

which would be SUPER bad because, i’ve had this teacher too many times and we do not get along, she loathes my existence, and i really just need to get out. shes partly the reason i need an extra fucking year at school and i always DREAD going to her class. it’s humiliating and discouraging to spend three hours every monday there. no one else likes this professor, they’re only here becuase the school loooooves the researchers and writers. complaints dont matter. all of my other classes are fine but this one has been probably the worst, most emotionally devastating class i’ve ever taken

i don’t even get to write about a topic i want. i was forced to write about the play i was in, instead of Monty Python like i wanted (it’s a fucking comedy class!!!!!) the play is about SCHOOL SHOOTINGS (we won some national awards teehee it’s an outstanding play). yes it’s a “black comedy” but not really? it’s a drama with comedic moments? and i KNOW THIS cause i’ve been studying comedy with this professor for like three cumulative years at this point. i’m struggling beacuse there’s zero research, zero information, and has to be over 20 pages long??? like fuck? i’m so fucked

anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk. i’ve been wanting to make a vent post for like weeks but i haven’t had the time or energy and , i really needed to just....get this out. i feel a little better having all the words down. there’s still so much else going wrong in my life that i could talk about, all the car troubles, my other classes, dorm shit, but, it doesn’t matter in the light of these issues. i can get through this. i just gotta keep fighting. 

oh and if anyones like, worried, i’m not suicidal, i’m not going to do that, there’s no chance of that hpapening. i’m in a very bad place but i’m never gonig back there if i can fucking help it

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #254

“i hate that it seems you were never enough; we were broken and bleeding, but never gave up.”

What’s the best gift you’ve ever gotten? My late dog Teddy. Well technically, it was a container of puppy chow behind the tree, but in essence, him. Has there ever been a person you regret ever being friends with? I don't think so? Do you think you have a good understanding of love? Yes. What do you want to do on your honeymoon? Relax and enjoy quality time w/ my spouse somewhere great. Do you think Medical Marijuana should be legalized? Yes. If you were forced to dye your hair another color, what color would you get? At this current time, silver. What do you think of your parent(s)? I love them, a lot. Who do you talk to on the phone most often? Actually talk, Mom. But I text Sara more. What’s a song that makes you feel happy? Uhhh "</code>" by MIW came to me first. What celebrity would you like to meet? M-M-M-mARk What is your favorite clothing store? I can't really say. I like Hot Topic's content most, but they're really not all that broad in size range, so it seems unfair to say them. What’s a good idea you’ve had recently? Hell if I know, I don't make those. Do you like to wear high heels? No. What are you most excited about right now? Nothing. Would you like to live in a different country? If so which one? Honestly, if it didn't mean leaving Mom behind, I'd go to Canada by now. Recent events have me fucking livid with America's healthcare system. What’s your favorite song from a movie? Like, it was made for the movie? Man, I dunno. Probably something off Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, though. The soundtrack is magical. Where would you like to volunteer? Realistically, I don't know. A zoo would be incredible, but I handle heat incredibly poorly and also canfuckingnot pick up feces or touch vomit. So, that takes a big chunk out of what volunteers can do there. What’s the last song you listened to? "Another Life" by MIW is on repeat right now and I need to turn it the fuck off because I'm in a bad PTSD episode. Do you like being alone? Sometimes, yes, but not for too long. How do you find new music? YouTube recommendations, usually. What’s your favorite city? I don't have a favorite. I've only ever once been to an even remotely impressive one: Chicago. What’s the last YouTube video you watched? Some tarantula one. I'm fucking addicted to tarantulas now and need a Mexican red knee like now. Once we (hopefully) move, I'm gonna at least try talking Mom into it. Where are you going on your next trip? I don't know. If you had to make a six-hour cross-country journey, would you rather take the train, fly or drive? How come? Fly, if I had the window seat. It's relaxing. How long do your earphones tend to last before the connection goes and you have to replace them? Considering I'm like, constantly using them, Mom says they die fast, judging by how frequently I let her know I need a new pair. She got me a big box of them for Christmas, even. I've got one extra pair left. If you could dye your hair any color in the world, assuming it would look perfect with your coloring, what would you pick and why? Pastel pink bc aesthetic. Are you a fan of musicals? If you are, what ones have you seen live and which ones would you like to see? No. Have you ever had to give up something you were addicted to? Did you actually succeed? Yes. Have you ever had to work (or study) with someone that you really didn’t get along with? How did you deal with it (ignoring them, being nice, etc.)? Maybe at some point, idk. Have you ever had any problems with your wisdom teeth, or have they been taken out already? No. Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? Hearing, probably. That'd feel so lonely. Do you find your mood changes when you’re hungry or tired? Does eating or sleeping automatically cure you of a bad mood? I can definitely become irritable if I'm extremely hungry and/or tired. Sleeping helps me with a lot of problems, lmao. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? Did you make up with that person or did you end up losing them over it? Oh idk. Probably something RP-related as a kid. Have you ever gotten really bad travel sickness? Has this put you off travelling or going by certain modes of transport in case it happens again? No, thankfully. What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? I don't support it. Just leaving it at that. If it was a case of prostitution or being evicted from your home, which option would you pick (assuming you’d tried everything else to make money first)? Evict me. Morally, prostituting would kill me. I have family who thankfully I know would let me stay with them. Are you into piercings and tattoos? If not, do you judge people who are, and vice versa? Hell yeah, so I obviously don't judge people who are. What’s your opinion on places like Seaworld? Do you think keeping whales and dolphins in such small enclosures is cruel or a necessary evil? First: I'm not very educated on how similar *all* Seaworlds are. But in regards to keeping whales, it's inhumane as all fuck. They are WAY too big to be held in such a small space for our goddamn amusement. I support zoos who do what they do for conservation and educational purposes, but from my memory of Seaworld, that's not their primary concern. Who is one person that you no longer hang out with? Why did that association end? My former best friend. There's a novel on why I don't associate with her anymore, but the top reason would be she's just a drama magnet that does no wrong. Wonders why her life is so insane and tumultuous while never looking into herself as the potential reason. What was the last item you put into your pants pocket? I don't really wear pants with pockets, but I'm sure in the last case, it woulda been my phone or money. Who was the last person to endanger your life, whether it was accidentally or intentionally? Well I'm certain it was accidental, but idk what the most recent situation would be. What was the last thing you started over on? Job searching, I guess. What was the last task that you completed? Does eating breakfast count? Esp. when you really didn't want it but needed it? Have you ever failed at something extremely important to you? If yes, what? Ah, what a timely question. I dropped out of school for the third fucking time a few days back. When was the last time that you wanted time to move faster? Last night in my regular routine of waking up in the middle of the night twice/thrice. I sleep so poorly that I just want the morning to come at some point so it's "normal" for me to be up. ^Slower? Hm. I dunno. I don't have much reason to want time to slow lately. When was the last time you felt impatient with someone? Currently w/ Mom, but it's at a low level and probably isn't fair feeling impatient in the first place. Who was the last person that you called a “bitch”? I don't know. Probably playfully, anyway. ^Who, if anyone, was the last person to address you by that term? I also don't know. When was the last time you questioned whether or not you were making the right decision? Every time I make one lmao. Has a boy-/girlfriend ever suggested that you might want to lose some weight, or that it might make you look better? lol wow no. What is your idea of “too big” when it comes to weight? Once it comes to a point of infringing on your ability to function normally. ^How about “too thin”? Same as ^, really, it just goes in the opposite direction. Have you ever experienced an overly clinging boy-/girlfriend? Yeah, we lasted two weeks lmao. What is the most annoying thing your family members do on a daily basis, if anything? I only live with Mom, and she doesn't regularly do annoying stuff. With which family member do you get along with the least? The best? Least, my grandma. We've gotten kinda better though now that she's dying. Best, Mom. ^Why do you think that you don’t get along well with that family member? We have very, very averse beliefs and standards. Who is someone that you wish would be there for you more often? My sisters, honestly. Shit's going on with them, I always reach out to let them know I'm here. Something's wrong with me, I never hear a word. Have you ever felt like someone abandoned you? If yes, explain? BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH- How often do you find that you are bored? Daily, nearly at all times. This is gonna sound pathetic, but I tend to be so bored so regularly that I experience passively suicidal thoughts now and again because I just feel being dead would almost be more exciting. That's something I'll never act on, but yeah. I have mega bad anhedonia. What activity has the best chance of holding your attention for a long period of time? Hm. Playing a game, maybe. Or if I'm watching a really good video on YT. Have you ever decided that you like/dislike someone based on their survey answers? Yup. What previews did you see at the last movie you saw in theaters? Hell if I remember. How many things are you a fan of on Facebook? Wow, a fucking lot. Back in the day I would "like" lots of those pages that just had funny/relatable names, and man does it pay off (usually) now. I Got The Memes. Do you have more friends on Myspace or Facebook? Probably Facebook? I don't really remember the friending process on MySpace besides the "top 8" thing that destroyed friendships, lmao. Have you ever been to a movie that sold out? Maybe? Idk. Have you ever been to a midnight movie? One. What’s your state’s weather usually like this time of year? Too fucking hot. Do you get those leg cramps in the middle of the night? No. What movie last made you too scared to go to sleep? *shrug* Is your cell phone a qwerty (full keyboard) or no? Yeah. What was the last website you logged onto (besides the one you’re on)? PetSmart to apply for a position as pet trainer. I hate chain pet stores, but whatever, I'm desperate. What’s your home page? Google. Do you have split ends? No. When you’re on a laptop, do you hook up a mouse or use the touchpad? I prefer to have a mouse. If you’re learning a language, what year are you in? I'm not anymore. Do you think you’re done growing or will you grow a couple more inches? I'm sure I'm done. What’s your mom’s mom’s name? Cecelia. Have you ever encountered a creepy neighbor? OKAY at my old place where I used to ride my bike all the time, there was this old man way down the road that liked to talk to me but he creeped me out so much that I started turning back before I got in sight of his place. Do you like the foam soap or the liquidy soap? Foam. Do you tend to lean towards bright colors or more subtle colors? Bright. Do you use British spelling even though you’re not British? No; I even change it in surveys a lot, lol. When was the last time you attended a barbecue? I don't have a clue. I don't like them. Can you handle movies involving lots of bugs and insects? Yeah. Are you borrowing books from anybody at the moment? No. What is one similarity between your parents? Christ... they seem incomparable by this point. Do you keep scissors in your kitchen? If so, where? Yes, in the drawer beside the fridge. When was the last time you used a payphone and who were you calling? I've never used one. Have you met everyone who lives on your street? No. Do you have a boyfriend? No. When did you last write out your name? Recently for something at school. Do you like being kissed on the neck? Yeah. What friend can you tell everything to? Sara. Would you be shocked if the last person you had feelings for texted you? No. What if you had a baby with the last person you texted? We're both cis females so physically can't. And neither of us want kids. Who knows your biggest secrets? Mom, Sara, Jason. Do you have any hickeys on you? No. Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Yeah. Who is someone that puts up with you no matter what? My mom. When was the last time you cried? Two days ago I sobbed for a good while. Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? Not really. Is there a girl you would do anything for? Anything? No. Is there a boy you would do anything for? No. Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Ian, but I haven't read it yet. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever been to an auto show? Yooo I remember as a kid, my family went with our friends to a monster truck show, I think it was? I was so not digging it and wanted to go home the whole time. What was the last thing you cooked for dinner? I had one of those Banquet microwavable dinners last night. Spicy chicken and mac 'n cheese. It's fuckin GOOD and really filling. Do you live in the city/town you were born in? No. Have you slept for longer than usual today? No, I slept terrible. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Have you consumed alcohol today? If so, what? No. What’s your go-to website when you’re really bored? YouTube is my general go-to. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My sister. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? No. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? WHEEZE Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Yes. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? Yeah. Do you live with your parents? With my mom. Can you do a blackflip, or anything else of that sort? No. What moment in your life have you been most scared? The night of the breakup, particularly when Mom dragged me back inside and I just literally melted. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? No. Do you ever make your own surveys, or just take them? I just take them. Have you ever actually thought you were pregnant? Were you? Yes, but it was entirely illogical, so I obviously wasn't. Anxiety and being terrified of pregnancy is fun. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer. Do you like to cook, or do you prefer when other people cook for you? I don't cook. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? Who the fuck knows anymore. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? No; yes. Have you ever ripped your pants in public? I don't think so? Do movies such as Saw and The Grudge scare you easily? No. How many best friends do you have? What are their names? One; Sara. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever been dared to do? Did you do it? No clue. Can you drive? I mean I can, but I'm terrified of it, and my permit is expired anyway. What do you consider to be a good grade? What do you consider to be a bad grade? B; C and below. Have you ever had a teacher who hated you? No. Can you remember who your grade 5 teacher was? Did you like them? Yes, I adored them both. Do you know anybody that has severe allergies? Multiple people. Who was the last person you slow danced with? laskdjflka;jwe What’s your favourite song at the moment? Ah shit man idk. Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. Headphones aggravate my ears. Do you ever ride the city bus? How much does it cost you? We don't even have one here. How do you get to school? N/A What is the last book you read? Did you enjoy it? The first Wings of Fire book, and yes, very much. Do you scream out the answers while watching game shows on TV? Scream, no. I'll say them sometimes, though. Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? Mom, Sara. Jason, probably, as much as I hate to admit that. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? HYPOTHETICALLY, if I even wanted kids, yes. I'm very empathetic and care a shitload about mental health, so I think I'd be a very good cheerleader for them. Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? Again hypothetically, a meerkat, but I DO NOT support them as pets and get very upset when I see them as such. What bill do you hate paying the most? I don't have any. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Never. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, who and where would it be? Sara to the mountains of NC. Favorite non-sexual thing to do with girl/boy? Play games together. Who from high school would you like to run in to? A handful of people.

[survivoraqualand]

EPISODE 1: An Incoming Signal

In the season premiere of Survivor: Aqualand, eighteen castaways were dropped off along the abandoned expanse of the Transcontinental Bridge - a place haunted by old legends, unsolved mysteries, and the treacherous power of the sea. 

After being divided into teams (Proteus and Ceto), the castaways were introduced to two main twists of the game. First, the Transatlantic Hotel, which they would be allowed to visit throughout the season in order to search for hidden immunity idols and other advantages. Each player was given a 15-minute Hotel trip for this first round of the game, with future opportunities to earn additional time to explore. Additionally, the castaways were told that at random times they could spot signals going out from the top of their watchtower (a page on the blog), and that the first person to catch such a signal would receive a clue to the hotel’s treasures.

The second twist introduced was the Monster in the Submeres, which each team would have to adapt and respond to throughout the game. Twice per round, this monster would become restless, and the teams would have to decide together whether to feed, punish, or ignore their monster, with each action having an unnamed consequence.

Once they settled into their watchtowers and gotten to know their monsters, Proteus and Ceto were given their first immunity challenge where they had to each come up with a bedtime story to be judged by a panel of listeners. Though both teams put in a huge effort and worked together well, they had vastly different aesthetic visions, and ultimately the listeners favored Proteus’ bone-chilling tale over Ceto’s cozy picture book.

At the first Sea Council, Daniel was voted out 6-2-1, becoming the first person eliminated from Survivor: Aqualand.

JESSICA

The game has not even started yet but I am already so excited. I hope Logan and MJ are in this cast so all 3 of us can cause problems together but also apart. I think this season will have very old-school vibes. Like a lot of people being very invested but also being very silly. I think I might try to be a mid-merge boot and play very aggressively the entire time and have a lot of fun. I am pretty sure Lydia is in this game and Ari is splitting us up....... very unfair and I would like to request this please not happen thank you.

ALEX

The people I've been talking to one-on-one seem really nice so far! We've only really talked about the cats I live with, but that's okay, because they're wonderful cats, and they're the only things I can talk about pretty much nonstop! :)

JESSICA

5 seconds into the game and I already have a f2 with Logan and Jessie. And Katie, but she doesn't know about that (yet at the same time.... she does). This will be the game where MJ and I, at long last, align. I know it and it will happen and it will be great.

KATIE

this challenge is going swimmingly... I made spooky boats

ALEX

I got an incoming signal! I'm hoping to explore the hotel soon, so that I can maybe go search for an idol :)

MARG

ok wow! i'm here! this is my first ever org ever!!! wooooo! i've spent the past couple of days getting to know everyone on my team and getting a feel for the game. i was pretty nervous going into the game because i figured that i would not know anyone. i was so happy when i saw that JD was also on my team because i actually know him through the Sequester world!! hopefully no one realizes that we know each other... i've spent some time messaging with other folks on my team too! So far i feel the best about Logan, Jessica, Linden and Jessie. they've been the easiest to talk to and I also feel like we were the ones working on the first immunity challenge the most. i really like Linden so far! this is both our first org and i think we're going to look out for each other. in general, i just like her vibe and i just want to work with her! i did have one prettyyyy awkward encounter with daniel in the group chat about connecticut facts. i think i stole his thunder because i shared a fun fact about ct??? and then i think he felt called out/put on the spot when i said he should share one too. idk that's the only awkward thing that has happened so far. hopefully we can patch up this one faux pas! ANYWAYS, this has been my first confessional. hopefully there are more to come!!! We're waiting for the results of the first immunity challenge right now! Let's go Ceto!!!! <3 

JENNA

I'm gonna write my first one just because I'm video-ed out after that challenge. But okay,  I’m super glad we won! I honestly didn’t mind doing a big part of it cause I had fun and I like doing that stuff. Only really Zoe, Alex, and Katie contributed on our team but there really wasn’t a whole lot people could have done. Though Katie was really helpful with finding sounds and videos which everyone could’ve done but they didn’t. 

 I’m glad we won though because MJ is nonexistent and I really want to play with him. He said he has a ton of finals, but I don’t think he’s written in the team chat once. So I think people would’ve wanted him gone possibly. I’m gonna do an overall view on the team tho first then talk a bit more on that. 

Alex: Alex stresses me out a little bit but he really is trying very hard which I do appreciate. Him and Zoe had an issue with the writing part of the challenge and he was being stubborn about it so initially, it rubbed me the wrong way and I know he was on Zoe’s list for this council if we had to go. But before I went into the hotel he told me he found something that combined could cause a curse. Which I didn’t think much of cause he could’ve easily told everyone this. BUT since I fed the stupid fish and got a disadvantage I figured I’d use his convo with me about the hotel to my advantage and talk a bit with him about the hotel. I immediately told him exactly where the koi fish pond was and what else was in the room because it didn’t seem super important to me and also it built some trust. He then told me at least some of the rooms he found and kind of what was in them. I know he’s leaving parts out but I also definitely left an entire room out of my review of the hotel so you know, if you don’t lie in survivor are you really even playing? Anyway, he then told me about the pearl he found and where. I didn’t mention the pearl I found, but I might tell him about it later cause I think we need 11 pearls anyway. I know Zoe wanted him out and maybe it’s stupid to try and work with him but he’s the only one really telling me anything and he’s online a lot which helps, so I don’t wanna count him out yet. Plus clearly, you need to work together to get anything done in that hotel, and if no one else is offering, I’ll happily side with Alex. 

 Allyn: Allyn is super sweet but also came out swinging a bit too hard I think. Almost after like 10 minutes of talking she was talking about alliances. And then like 5 minutes after Zoe came online she added me and Zoe to an alliance. I’m not upset at it cause... alliance, but I also don’t trust it. I can tell she didn’t like MJ tho cause she never mentioned liking him. Maybe MJ never talked to her though so who knows. I haven’t talked to her a ton since then, which worries me a little but I know she’s busy and I also don’t really want to be talking to everyone every day like I used to so it is what it is. 

 Katie: I was really nervous when I saw Katie was in this game. And then doubly when I saw we were on the same team. We did not end things on amazing terms in Lost City which was the last survivor game I played. I don’t actually know if she’s still holding that against me, and she very well could because I voted out her friend and basically went against her when we were aligned, but I haven’t brought it up and neither has she so I’m just gonna go with it. I really do wanna work with Katie. Actually, I really wanted to work with her in lost city as well but it all kinda got away from me a bit. She seems like she wants to work with me cause we’re talking and she was talking about the other people on the team and helping a lot with the challenge. I told her pretty much exactly what I did in the Hotel and she might have, might have not, but I didn’t mention the pearl. I hope she’ll stick with me a little bit, and then possibly if we both make it to merge and Jessica and Logan are there then we’ll both have super close people in the game so we can’t go against each other for fear of being targeted after. We’ll see though. Overall I’m gonna be most honest with her, but cautiously. Linus: Linus is sweet but I’ve barely talked to him. He seems to be busy with school as well and we’ve only had a few conversations. 

Rhea: I really liked Rhea when I first started talking to her. But after that first night, we haven’t really talked since. I can’t tell if everyone just isn’t talking to me, or no one’s super active. I’m gonna guess no one is super active, and also I’m not making too much of an effort because it’s kinda hard to talk to people every single day when nothing has changed. 

Rose: Rose always seems to be online but again, I have barely talked to her. The one convo we had was cool and she seems sweet, but not getting a whole lot from her. 

Zoe: I really like Zoe. She seems like a dangerous player, but at the same time, it’s nice cause I can tell she knows what she’s doing. We had a good conversation about how it was kinda crazy how fast Allyn added us to an alliance and that neither of us is used to being in one so fast, which was good to hear that she was okay with telling me that. The only thing that confuses me about Zoe is her first message to me was about me being in Colorado????? Which like???? I never said I was in Colorado. I told Katie about that and she was like okay well I won’t lie to Zoe she knows how to dig. Idk if was digging or just someone else telling her, but it confused me. I looked her up on the retirement wiki since Katie said she played and she got pretty far. Her profile said she wished she could know what everyone was like so she could match their personality, which makes me wonder how genuine she is being, but either way, she’s really fun. She kinda reminds me of Jess, so I know that maybe I shouldn’t trust her because she could do something chaotic for fun, but I definitely want to work with her. She also told me she wanted Alex out which is good that she told me that because 1. I don’t think anyone else wants him out because he was so helpful in the challenge and 2. hopefully that means she trusts me. 

Honestly, I’m hesitant about bringing up too much with anyone yet. I wanna ask about the Hotel, but I don’t want to be too much in the beginning. So I’m thinking since we won to just chill out and see what the next challenge brings. I don’t think anyone is gonna be too annoyed I got a decrease on a challenge, but you never know. It seems that the challenges can really change perception, so you never know where anyone is until then. I’m trying not to be too into it either because everyone is definitely super nice, but they’re not super active which I’m not used to so it’s definitely different from games I’ve played before. So I’m trying to take a hint from that and chill. Very hard to do I’m not gonna lie I thrive off of knowing everything I possibly can... but I gotta chill........... Overall... not really sure what to make of anyone yet tbh 

Also! Love the hotel game thing. Even tho I almost died I’m excited to see all the stuff in it.

MJ

stan jenna :)

JESSICA

I don't think I did a real confessional yet, so here it is! 

I am in an alliance with Logan, Linden, Marg, and Jessie. This is great and I'm happy we got something going. Linden WILL make the merge, I refuse for her not to get that far on her first ever game. 

My plan in this game is to cause as many problems as possible. I know Logan will do this too so hopefully we be very messy! I will be honest, I probably won't win with this strategy, but my goal is not so much winning as it is doing something iconic that people still remember long after this game is over. Like a 4-3-2-1 vote or like when Jenna sent someone home 0-0-1. Iconic! That's the only way to be. 

It is interesting to play a game with Katie starting on the other team as I don't think that's ever happened before. This might end up like Tom Hanks where we are technically an unbreakable f2 that will never vote each other however we then also never vote together either. 

I guess what I'm saying is you didn't cast Jessica, you cast Viktor whatever his last name was and you WILL get all the chaos that he brought to the mini!

MARG

Ok wow I just cast my first vote in the game so it felt like a good time to do a confessional! Since our team lost the first immunity challenge, the game has definitely changed and it feels like folks are starting to play the game. I have formed an alliance with Logan, Jessica, Jessie, and Linden, and within that alliance, I have a smaller alliance of Jessie and Linden. Out of everyone that I am aligned with, I think I have the best relationship with Logan? So I'm not feeling great that I didn't include him in my smaller alliance. I am wondering if I should form a second alliance with Logan and Jessica, but I'm worried about doing too much in the beginning of the game. But, I'm also worried about not doing enough! Since I am new to playing in orgs, I am still trying to find that balancing act of how much I should be doing in the game. I am definitely trying to get to know everyone and put in effort building relationships. I have also spent some time messaging Pat and Alyx, but to be honest, I am just not clicking with them in the same way as I am with other folks on the team. I'm going to continue putting in effort with everyone because I am all about that social game. I feel myself starting to get competitive and I am so pumped for this first vote! I can't wait to see what happens next in the game! tl;dr I am excited to start playing and i am ready to start putting in the effort for my social game.

JENNA

Me: Tells people about what rooms I found in the hotel, where I'll probably look next. In pretty decent detail. Them: Nice :) 

Like!!?? It's nice to offer something back, even if it's not true!!!!! I get it if they're not wanting to work with me but damn. Does not help me trust them at all. I guess they don't care though. I wish Logan and I were on the same team. I know we'd already have a system for this hotel where we mark where we've been and what we've seen and what people tell us. And maybe people would actually TELL Logan where they've been since no one seems inclined to share that information with me. (Except Katie maybe... and _sometimes_ Alex. When he feels like it)

JESSIE

I decided I have to play even harder then I usually play. I recognized with the amount of new people needing guidance I could get a pretty kickass alliance on the go . Hence my cute little trio chat with Marg and Linden. Love both of them got good vibes right off the bat. Will work with them for sure. 

 First challenge I thought we did great. We were so creative but nah the judges said lol you guys lose. So basically the five active people on our tribe got together. Me, Linden, Marg, Jessica and Logan. 

 We decided to vote out Danny Gluck. Which kind of sucked because I didn't know many people going into the game but I have trust in this five. I know eventually we will have to betray each other but for now we are solid. I value loyalty so I hope it works and gets us all far.

DANIEL’S FINAL WORDS

Never forget