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#idk what is going on with my head anymore lol
birdricks · 3 months
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sleepyhead lol….
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nuppu-nuppu · 10 months
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Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again
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silenthillbunni · 1 month
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🏫🍃🌥️
#oooof... sleep was rough bc my face was super itchy. all of a sudden i got rashes in my face yesterday ?!?!? i have NEVER gotten that wtffff#hopefully it's just temporary nd will go away. it's still a tiny bit itchy but not as bad as yesterday :o#istg my life is a JOKE!!!! a joke!!!! rashes?!? what? maybe stress nd anxiety?? idk it's wild tho i cant deal w this#so i couldnt really fall asleep but i rested for a few hours#then i got up. took my dog out. had oatmeal. called the surgeron clinic.#and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19....#i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much#she said she'll talk to the anesthesia doctors and call me later. she hasnt called yet#i rlly hope they understand the situation?? and that i can still have my surgery bc what else am i supposed to do???#ughhhh why cant anything ever just be easy and smooth for me??#i am sooooo tired of all these hardships piling on top of eo#then i walked to school.. took me an hour and im spent now bc im so weak nd malnutrioned skskskks#and im in class... it's a long one. still more than an hour left :'( my head hurts#ugh i just wanna be fine for once in my life#but yeah im like 75% thru all the hard things i need to do today#just need to finish class nd then walk home nd then hopefully get a call back and then i can relax (as much as i can lol)#i hope the itching goes down (still wtf is my body doing? i have no patience for it anymore) nd i hope im not too underweight for surgery om
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finncakes · 9 months
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It will honestly be so funny if everyone keeps pushing for d/orym but then at the last second Liam reveals it was never romantic feelings and pulls a fast one on everyone
that would be very funny lol, but i do think very much orym has some sort of feelings for dorian.
i have really complicated feelings abt dor/ym and i've never seen anyone view it the same as i do so i tend to keep the thoughts to myself (i think i've only talked abt it to like 2 friends and my brother) but i don't hate it. i think that's mostly due to having mutuals that draw really nice dor/ym art.
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unusualshrimp · 1 year
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hmm gender thoughts
#the people who made pronouns page have another website right#and one of the options there is you can pin your gender on a gradient that goes hypermasculine -> androgynous -> hyperfeminine#and it's like a linear gradient and i hate that SO MUCH. this is hostile architecture for Me Specifically#[disclaimer that if you find that type of thing helpful that's completely fine]#but anyway my gender is like. im a guy but not in a trans guy way#and im a girl but NOT in a cis girl way and i call myself girl in my head a lot but i am a bit Sensitive about how other people use it?#and im always thinking too hard about ''are they acknowledging my 5D chess gender or subconsciously saying it because of my appearance''#if someone called me androgynous or whatever im stabbing them though. idk that just feels so... gender neutral? and im not gender neutral#do ya feel me.#i feel a bit silly typing all this but ah this is the transgender website i think u all would understand me#im a guy like. you know the weird guy who shows up overdressed to casual events but he looks nice so its fine really#and also like. guy who always wears black and looks cool [the cool might just be in my head but thats fine]#and. i might have to think harder abt how i feel regarding Girl ™. i dont want to discard it because i do love doing my own thing with it#but also like being perceived as a cis girl (intentionally or unintentionally) makes me want to jump out of my body. lol. anyway#this is all so sucks honestly my favourite gender is just creature.#you see a thing so weird you just go '' oh god what is that'' and not gender. although i do like the flavour of it/its that is so niceys...#like yeas i want to be a scary looking thing (unattainable) but also.... what if i was jus a lil creature.#and i sat at your door and made 🥺 faces until u let me in and then i sat cosy near your fireplace for a bit... thatd be nice#i dont want to worry about gender anymore i want headpats.......................#oh jesus uhh#long post#<- for the tags
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pepprs · 1 year
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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m0e-ru · 1 year
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arcadequeerz · 1 year
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Right on that limit right now.
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loptrcoptr · 2 years
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Guess who has two thumbs and got kicked out of her barn? 👍👍
So two weeks ago I ran into this woman at the barn as she was taking her horses out of the arena and I was taking one in to ride. I know her, her barn is right across from a) the barn with the horse I currently ride and b) the barn just next to it, where I worked for seven months. Seven. And I still occasionally work at the barn where I currently ride. Following me?
Well. She completely forgot who I was and that we had met quite a few times, actually, over the past two years. I said hello as I passed her and she gave me that very specific look middle-aged white women give you that’s somewhere between “are you a criminal” and “you don’t even go here”. She said “are you Lena? [daughter of the people whose horse I ride]” I said “uh, nope”, weirded out by the fact I’m so easily forgotten. She then says “we’ll, are you related to [this horse’s owners]?” I again said no, and “I just ride this guy.” Gave the horse a pat, tried to keep walking. At this point she went full school marm and said “are you on file with the stable committee office??” As in… have u signed all the hold harmless paperwork that everyone has to sign in order to do anything with horses at any barn anywhere. Again… I have worked and ridden at this damn barn for two years right across from this woman’s barn.
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So I said “yup, I’m on file, I’m totally legal! I’ve done all the paperwork”. She immediately changed tone and laughed and said “oh you know, I just have to check!” And I fake laughed and said “yep! Ok!” And told her to have a nice day. And it sat in my craw for days and I couldn’t shake the feeling she was going to contact the horse’s owner and “report me” or something.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. I get a text from the guy whose horse I ride and he says that this bitch (not how he referred to her, of course) has been made head of the stable committee. And she has decided that no one is allowed to ride a horse they don’t own, regardless of waiver status, unless the owner is present to supervise. in summary I, a non-wealthy young person, am not allowed to ride at the stables unless the horse’s owner agrees to come out and babysit me like I’m a child.
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Also, I am definitely not a worse rider than most of the horse owners at this place (not the ones I ride for) who know nothing about horses and never ride, (which is why they hire me and people like me to take care of their horses for them)! But that’s not the point, the point is this woman has cited “insurance liability” as the reason for banning non-owners from barn activity. She has taken over from the previous committee head, who is an actual lawyer, and decided that the paperwork the actual lawyer prepared isn’t good enough to ensure the barn’s interests are protected… even though it has been doing exactly that for at least five years without incident. This is the same woman who used barn funds to put up a slew of cross country jumps all over the bridle path even though there’s only one (!) other eventer in the entire stables, so no one uses them. It’s utter nonsense.
The worst part is that because I’m not an owner I’m not privy to the stable committee meetings, so I don’t actually know that this is a real new policy, or if she simply told this specific horse owner it was for his, and my, benefit. If my name was somehow brought up at this month’s meeting, my former “friend” who hates my guts now would absolutely have started throwing shade and making up crazy shit. By now most people at the barn know she’s crazy, but too few know me well enough to have a dispute. So I can’t even say for certain, because horse people Are Like That, that this is even a riel now and not just something they brought up for me specifically, without having a better reason to boot me out. Less drama this way, you see. Knowing this woman loves control (turning the entire bridle path into her own personal playground!), I’d like to believe it’s just a whole rule now, but I don’t know for certain.
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Anyway… as soon as I read that text message I was like *stares in Tired Horse Bitch*. I was lucky that these folks allowed me to ride their horse, and I had other people offer too, when the family I worked for retired their horses and I was out of options. And it chaps my entire ass that after all the work I’ve done and all the connections I’ve made, the owners didn’t even get the right to tell me when to stop. They can’t even make that decision now. And it has lit a fire under me to just stop lurking on horse boards and checking out boarding barns and commit to horse shopping, because I cannot deal with being beholden to the whims of random old crones any longer. I need a horse of my own that no one can tell me what to do with. Do I currently have the budget I was hoping I’d have? Nope. Am I going to start looking at horses anyway? Yep.
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#personal#it’s a great sport but it’s unfortunately filled with a lot of control freaks and fun-suckers#poor man who owns the horse was like when I go riding you can join next time? what a nice man. but idk if I will take him up on it#I’m so tired of feeling like I’m being watched all the time their anyway now it will be so much worse#horse girl#i don’t want to hang out someplace where I’m unwanted and after two years of Drama and More Drama I am ready to shell out however many#thousands of dlllars I have to to not have to deal with any of it anymore#what’s next on her agenda I wonder! Theo oblivion is no longer allowed to visit even though#their hoa funds are paying for the barn to exist?#will the lessees not be able to ride without supervision either? how do the other owners#who let their friends and family ride#feel about this? i may never know lol because I’m not going back there I don’t think#petty neurotic narcissists using ‘liability’ as a catch all for anything they don’t like in the horse world#has gotta stop. it’s too much effort to just exist in shared spaces IN MY OWN LANE#one time last year I rocked up to the barn and their was a riderless horse at the gate#he was fully tacked and freaked out and he had clearly dumped his rider some place#i pull my car in through the other gate and jog over to get him. he’s ln the other side#there are two women doing a lesson in the arena RIGHT NEXT TO HIM and they do nothing#I ask them for the code to the side gate there and they look at me like I’ve sprouted a second head#so I gesture at this riderless fucking horse and repeat my request for the code#as I punch it in another trainer drives up and says “oh good someone else noticed! and we lead the horse#back to his barn (I knew exactly whose horse it was) and in tack him and put him up#then we run off to saddle up and ride out and look for the owner#this committee bitch- the one who’s in charge now- was outside her barn gabbing with a friend#we rode by and said so and so’s horse came back without her we’re going to go find her#and she and her fiend just like. stared at us#we rode for like thirty minutes and didn’t find the rider#(she had fallen off closer to home and by that time had made it back to the barn#with no broken bones or anything) and when we were turning around the bitch and her friend came riding up finally#they had tacked up before us! they should’ve led the search!
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orcelito · 1 year
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Anyways I love futago siblings bc of the inherent drama to it & the complexity of feelings involved in it. And also I want futaba to suplex akechi in a sibling kind of way. It's not that complicated
#speculation nation#akeshu nation literally pardons him for trying to kill akira Twice#and youre caught up in futaba potentially forgiving him for killing her mom when he was 15#& context clues tell us that he was likely pressured into killing by shido?#it's not like hes doing this shit for fun. like ok he enjoyed killing okumura bc okumura's a piece of shit capitalist#but besides that. when we get to know him we learn that he wanted to be a hero when he was a kid#& that coupled with the way he acts in 3rd semester really paints a picture#he doesnt start killing again bc he doesnt need to. & Notably he stops trying to kill akira bc shido isnt pushing for that anymore#plus i dont think futaba has to forgive him for them to be friends. it will always be something present in their minds#but in the same sort of way of akira liking akechi enough that hes willing to give him the chance to atone for Shooting Him In The Head#i believe futaba could give him the chance to atone. or at least try to be a better person.#and i just think futaba would enjoy the excuse to limitlessly bully him.#the 'you killed my mom so u cant be mean to me' card. which she would pull a lot im sure#it wouldnt always work. especially if she overused it lol. but still.#and yea idk. i can get being uncomfortable with ppl trying to wave away the fact that he killed her mom#but when it's done right. i think it's quite a compelling relationship.#her seeing herself in him. recognizing the ways they are so painfully alike. & that pain being what pushed him to the lengths he went#her sympathizing with him doesnt mean Forgiveness. it's just a potential basis for connection.#god i just keep going on about this but that person made me literally so angry#dont post ur bad takes in main tag 2k22. i dont wanna fucking read them.
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bo0zey · 2 years
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thinking abt how i’m already a chronic maladaptive daydreamer w a sensitive sidereal pisces moon in the 8th house and having access to klonopin is like a forcefield of protection for my brain and body it’s only times like these i feel safe enough to come out of hiding and glide around the real world for a little bit before the drugs wear off and i dive back into my other multi universes and try to experience life through them instead except but lately it’s gotten harder and i think it’s because i’ve been so out of touch with reality for so long that i got stuck in this weird state of writer’s purgatory i used to be able to draw so much inspiration for my characters and story plots from the real world but now it’s blanks ……..i need 2 go outside n touch grass or smthing how do i feel connected to myself and the world again i don’t want to but i think that’s the reason why i can’t write anymore as much as i try…i spent >17hrs a day trying to organize 4 different stories at a time my brain is scattered im losing hope and motivation all over again …. alllll over again!!
#also i would like 2 add that pisces + drugs r Not a good combo bc pisces are already prone to escapism#finding out i’ve been a sidereal pisces moon all along rlly changed a lot for me like when i’m actively present in reality my aries moon#she’s like grrrrr emotional rampage chaos like the aries moon sun stereotype??? no bb that ones for the Moon lmao#i hate the term maladaptive daydreaming i feel like everyone uses it like haha im so quirkyy but like#ok listen i’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal if anything their comments just make me want to invalidate my own feelings anymore#i’ve been told i struggle w imposter syndrome i didn’t like when my therapist told me that it didn’t make me feel any more validated#i felt like she was lying to placate me#i wish i could’ve taken up writing in a healthier coping mechanism way but instead i let it take over everything my entire world#i could’ve graduated college w a way better gpa n shit but no i wasted hours writing instead of assignments and still i have nothing to show#maladaptive daydreaming ruined my life i want to cry i can’t believe im saying this when i condisdered it my safe space for so long#my sanctuary my garden of eden what have i done i feel like i just ate fruit from the tree of knowledge and now i see i realize i was never#i was never safe anywhere . my stories entrapped me i lost all my friends bc i liked the ones in my head so much better#now i’m alone and lost and stuck between 2 worlds i can’t believe how i used to write 30 diff works in progress at one point i had ideas#now i’m stuck in a cycle of recycling new and old ideas there’s nothing new i get lost and confused i’ve entangled myself in this web#this story web!! haha lol#idk what im saying im going to shut up now my brains foggy#i have an idea but it’s not appropriate for tumblr so im gonna write it down in my dumb journal#ramblings
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kuiinncedes · 1 year
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.😎
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munamania · 2 years
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guys i’m a little bit afraid film girls friend is like a little into me maybe idk not that it matters but
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enterideahere · 2 years
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idk how to tell yall this but uh
#tw#tw death#death#decompositions#dead body#theres been a wierd smell im my aptmt staiwell for a week and well yeah u guessed it an old neighbour died#they just found her today its been a solid week if not more#listened in on the person who made the call in the hallway#on the moment i was shocked but ok#now i literally cant stop looking for that smell everywhere i go like paranoia#this one is going straight to the therapist i dont have#decomposition#tagging heavily because i used to be phobic of decomposing bodies#im good now but yeah its coming back im scared lol#it helps to remember she was a person and to respect her and it helps to see it from a scientific or curious standpoint#but i have to admit the phobia b peaking its lil head round the corned and im sesly scared#idk if its still lingering on me or in my nose or if im just remembering it but the smell is following me aeound and i get wiffs of it#im staying ocer at my bfs tonight hoping they'll have cleaned her up by tomorrow so i dont have to smell it#it wasnt pleasant all week but the moment i figured out what it really was i just couldnt stand it anymore#idk when ill fewl ok to go back tbh#somehow everything in my home feels contaminated by the idea of her#thats the phobia speakimg#after i left i remember sitting in the parc and suddenly feeling an immense rush of love for her#thanking her for everything#so wxcited for her existence#it sounds silly but i felt infinitely greatful to her for making me go ourside and see the mountains and how beautiful they were#and how wonderful life is#all my heart and soul was sending her the most sparkling and profound love wherever she was
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waste-0f-spacee · 1 year
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my father inspires me to be a better person everyday by showing me exactly how NOT to be
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prozach27 · 1 year
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