#idk why but i spent all of 22 thinking i was 23 and now im like im gonna be 24 in six months and then my frontal lobe is developed

[robertsbarbie]

sometimes you realize you're no longer 22, six months after turning 23 to be exact

[stephaniedola]

oldass ask meme that i have been answering at different periods over the course of 15ish years

feel free to ignore but im posting it so i can find it again later

1.This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it? I sure hope so by now.

2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be? withnocrown–– I'm sure that's its actual last name, right?

3. Were you happy when you woke up today? I woke up a lil achey and queasy but then I rolled over and listened to a voice memo from my friend and his GF and they were cute and asking me over for dinner sometime so now I'm happy

4. When were you on the phone last? And with who? Ummm I think it was my friend Evan asking me if I could pick him up at the mall on the 26th, but I was going the wrong way

5. What are you excited for? New Year's Eve! And my birthday (the 1st) I guess but mostly NYE.

6. What were you doing yesterday? Errands + resting + recovering from earth shattering sex (12 year old me would be so shocked to read how far I've come)

7. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you! My friend in aforementioned voice memo

8. What's the last thing you put in your mouth? Water.

9. Have a best friend? Yup, he's my platonic husband. He's also pretty much always been my answer to this question :3

10. Are you scared to fall in love? I have spent the last few years building up an immunity to love powder.

11. Do you think teenagers can be in love? Honestly, yes, but I feel like it's extreeeeemely unlikely that teen relationships actually last. But they do sometimes!

12. Last person you wanted to punch in the face? God, I can't even recall. How did I get through 3 different family Christmasses without wanting to punch anybody?

13. What time is it right this second? 05:09

14. What do you want right now? More tgirl dick

15. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My mommy <3

16. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused? Single, aromantic, poly, and for the first time not at all confused. Also, let the record show my original answer to this question in 2010 was: "Taken! O_o Don't ask! :/"

17. When was the last time you cried? Uhhh within the last week I think? but idk when

18. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? That's a fantastic question! Yes and no

19. Do you find it hard to trust others? Extremely

20. How fast does your mind change? To quote 12-year-old me, "Fast. :3"

21. I bet you miss somebody right now. Every day.

22. Can you honestly say you're okay right now? Yeah, I can.

23. Why do you think so many people cheat? Because love is cursed by monogamy

24. Tell me what's on your mind? Kinky t4t sex

25. What are you looking forward to in the next three months? NYE, my birthday, catching up with people in the new year, my senior year of university.

26. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing? I'm gonna choose the asshole answer to this question which is, um, I'm intersex 🙄 but strictly speaking, yes, obviously I have

27. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend? Yesterday

28. When is your next road trip? Honestly? Ideally within the month to Montreal. More realistically over the spring or summer (Bro I'm screaming I've also been reading along with my 2017 answers and I had written "No idea honestly. Hopefully soon-ish to Montreal." I have not changed at all)

29. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to? Anything is a strong term.

30. How's your heart? Still beating.

31. Have you ever felt like you weren't important? Yes, but not any more. (Keeping this answer as long as I believe it)

32. Do you think somebody's in love with you? Oh, for sure, baby~!

33. What are you planning on doing after this? Getting ready to go to my cousin's surprise birthday party and then stay with family for a couple days.

34. Next time you will kiss someone? Nonzero chance it is on NYE.

35. Have you told anybody you loved them today? Yes <3 Always

36. Who do you not get along with? Really, only people who actively disrespect the people I love.

37. What does your 3rd recent text say? "ahh yeah how could i forget ov"

38. What are you wearing right now? Nothing, darling~

39. You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it? I imagine we would engage in similar sexual escapades to the last time we kissed

40. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese? A couple weeks ago

41. What's your favorite boy and girl name right now? Feminine: Meredith Masculine: Lewis Neuter: Avery

42. How did you feel when you woke up? "Queasy and achey"

43. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? Nah, I'm popular

44. Do you crack your knuckles? It's one of the few joints I don't crack tbh.

45. What were you doing yesterday at midnight? YESTERDAY at midnight or TODAY at midnight? The answer to both is sleeping.

46. What are your LEGAL initials? All I shall say is that it spells the name of an animal.

47. Who's the first B in your contacts? Some dude in Florida named Bailey

48. When was the last time you laughed really hard? I think it must have been on the 22nd with my friend we had a lot of fun and were stoned as hell so

49. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them? Been there, done that, and I would.

50. Explain your last awkward moment? I feel like I said something awkward to my cousin that I thought his current gf had said but it was actually his ex fsajgkhls

51. Are you afraid of the dark? More and more every year

52. Do you have good vision? Yea, particularly in the dark actually lol

53. Have you ever tripped someone? Yes and he sucked and it was hilarious and I regret nothing.

54. Have you ever slapped someone? Yea

55. Are you Irish? Like 50%

56. Do you use chap stick? Mmmhm

57. Do you have any scars? Soooo many. Newest one is growing on my finger.

58. Is there someone you will never forgive? Never? Surely not

59. Are you dating the person you last held hands with? God no they're insane

60. Name the last person to text you. Prinxë

61. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you? I would barely even marry my husband aside from for legal maneuvering

62. Can you go in public looking like you do? I would get arrested so no

63. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a A? Yeah,,,, my hot TA last semester

64. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Da middle

65. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day? Cry and be like why did I spend so much money on a wedding

66. Do you fall for people easily? P much on sight yea

67. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days? Yeeeees

68. Do you miss the way things used to be? Of course. Who doesn't?

69. Song you're thinking of right now? Talk – Coldplay

70. Want someone back in your life? Yep. So bad. Soooososososo bad. If he texted me it would make my day in a heartbeat. I also want her back, but I'd like to think if she texted me I wouldn't respond.

71. Will tomorrow be better than today? It's n ew years eve baby I sure hope so

72. What's the color of the shirt you are wearing? Beige flesh

73. Who was the first friend that you had? Lindsey

74. Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes I cannot decipher your neurotypical nonsense

75. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status? There are, yeah, but it's a pretty damn select few

76. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced? I have bipolar disorder

77. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you? Everyone all the time

78. What do you wear when you sleep? Same thing I'm wearing right now

79. Are you obsessed with something right now? SEX

80. The first person you loved is? Terry

81. Something terrible happened with you? My stepdad died slowly of dementia, so

82. You are locked up with someone you love, what happens? Again, the deranged sex

83. If you could wish something, what would it be? For more deranged sex. Ideally in Montreal.

84. Ever forced someone to do something? Like it's hard?

85. When you are alone, what do you think about? SEX

86. How was your first kiss? Romantic and sweet. We're still friends.

87. What's your favorite music genre? Alt rock, that'll never change

88. Are you going to tag people to do this? Me in the future

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 34

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: okay sooo idk how i feel about the chapter BUT! i added a link with pictures of the characters and it took me over 2 hours to do that so if you could comment or at least look at it, it would mean a lot to me! (scroll down for the link, you cant miss it)

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : two but its pretty much the same thing :) i mean he doesnt get ‘angry’ tho but i hope its still what you wanted :)

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 34 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

March 30th, 2018

I had no idea who Niall had invited but before we walked in the bar, I moved closer to him and got up on my tiptoe to look in his eyes, both of us now hidden by his cap. His lips curled as his eyes roamed on my face and I pressed my lips together. I was a bit stressed to meet some people from school after so long but if I wanted to be honest, being away from the crowds and the paps seemed like amazing time off to me and I was pretty sure Niall felt the same.

"No kissing, no hold hands, no cuddles." I pointed out with a grimace. "It's gonna be a long evening."

"Okay, first off, you can cuddle me, they're used to it. Second of, can I remind you that it's your rule? If you want, we can definitely tell them we're together but keeping low profile." he pointed out, raising his eyebrows as he waited for my answer.

I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to, and I could feel my heartbeats accelerate the longer we looked at each other. I licked my lips and smiled before shaking my head. I couldn't make a decision and it was driving me insane.

"We'll just... see how it goes." I finally let out before sighing and getting back down on my feet.

"I'll follow your lead, petal."

His words made my lips curl and I nodded slowly before he turned around and walked in. It felt amazing to know I had my say in all of this. A lot of times, when we were dating and even before, I felt like Niall lead me the way he thought was right and I just followed without a word. Perhaps, he had matured, or maybe he was always like that but he just took the lead because I didn't. Either way, it was refreshing and it made me feel important.

I followed him inside and a familiar face seemed to illuminate in the back of the bar. The smell reminded me of my teenage years and somehow, I suddenly relaxed despite the people I had just noticed.

"Zara?" I let out with a frown before Niall bent closer to me.

"I called her, thought you may want to see her." he whispered before walking closer to the table.

"Olivia!"

Zara jumped out of her chair and ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck so tight I could barely breathe anymore. She started jumping quickly up and down, bringing me in her wave and I laughed as I hugged her back. Despite everything that had happened to me in my childhood and teenage years,  Zara was the only one I trusted completely besides Niall. I had a few friends and we all hung out together but Zara was the one I was the closest to, the one I told almost everything to, except maybe the fact that I had always been in love with Niall. That, I hadn't told anyone and even now, I wondered how the hell I succeeded to keep that secret to myself for two decades.

"I haven't seen you in so long!" she added, hugging me even tighter before her embrace loosened and she pulled away to look in my eyes. "Still can't believe you followed that eejit to London. Why?"

She was very expressive and the facial expression she was sending me made me laugh.

"You know me, can't be away from his dumb face for too long."

Her lips curled into an amused smile and she pulled me to the bar, ordering beers before tilting her head and staring at me some more. I frowned and waited, knowing that a question was coming.

"You two dated a few years ago yea?" she raised her eyebrows as I nodded. "Okay now let's talk about the real shit. How does he fuck?"

My eyes got bigger and I chuckled, shaking my head. "Z!"

"No no, hear me out!" she continued, bending down closer to me. "Remember when Michelle, Lisa, Megan and I would get mad at you for ditching us for him?" she let out with a chin movement towards Niall.

I couldn't help but glance at him. He was sitting with a few people I recognized but I just licked my lips and turned back to my friend, shaking my head. "I didn't dit-"

"Oh you did. All the time." she cut me, making me raise my nose up in a grimace. "Well we always spent at least half an hour talking about you two and with the years, the conversations became... you know. I mean he grew up and," she paused and leaned back to take a look at him before looking back at me. "He's... he's hot."

I started laughing, shaking my head slightly at her enthusiasm.

"Niall was always hot." I pointed out, making her roll her eyes.

"You... it's different. I mean, I know you always said you didn't have feelings for him but girl, I know you better than that." she explained, making my heart literally stop beating. "Anyway, that's beside the point. So we did talk about the size of his cock and the way he fucked and we all had theories. I think it's time you reveal the truth."

"Forget it." I laughed, shaking my head.

"Why does it matter, you two broke up a million years ago!" her face suddenly changed and her lips parted as she moved closer. "You whore, you’re still dating him?"

"Zara!"

She raised both of her hands up and closed her eyes. "Alright alright, none of my business." she chuckled, opening her eyes again, her smile turning into a fond one. "I really hope for you, though. I know how much you love him. I can see it in your eyes."

I held my breath as she grabbed two beers, letting me take the two others and we walked slowly to the table.

"Don't be surprised okay? Ava is here. I know she's not your fave person but just pretend she's funny. Or interesting. Or ignore her, that's what I do."

I laughed again but my heart dropped in my chest when I noticed Ava, leaning against Niall as they were both laughing. I started thinking about that time I caught him masturbating in his room when he was 13, and how a few years later, he had admitted he was jerking off thinking about her. The whole thing made me swallow hard and I held the mugs tighter in my hands before placing them on the table. Most people looked up and when I noticed Rian, my eyes got bigger and I chuckled low.

"Wow, hey! What are you doing here?"

He got up and kissed my cheeks gently as I did the same before shaking my head. The last time I had seen Rian was when Niall and I went ice skating together when we were dating. Niall had shown a bit of jealousy back then and even if I knew I shouldn't, i really liked it. Of course, I had dated Rian for a few months and he was the first guy I ever slept with, but Niall seemed to forget that the reason I gave in to Rian after so many years was because he had lost his virginity to someone who wasn't me. It had hurt me so much that just thinking about it made it impossible not to swallow the lump in my throat.

"He's coming to visit me." Ava said, her hand on Niall's thigh to hold herself as she moved closer to me. "We have a thing going on."

Rian rolled his eyes with a smile and shook his head slightly before shrugging. "Just trying to see if it could work." he explained before talking lower. "I'm not moving back here though, there's no way."

I let out a louder laugh and nodded. "Yea, I'm not moving back here either."

The truth was, I didn't want to move back here mostly because I didn't really know anyone anymore. My parents were back in France, many of my friends had moved away and Niall... well, Niall was the person I wanted to follow. Or more, Niall was the person I wanted to be with. I didn't have to follow him, like he said. We could just take decisions together.

"Come on, petal, sit down."

Niall's voice reached my ear and I smiled, sitting next to him as he squirmed a bit on his chair to move forward, leaning his arms on the table and getting away from Ava's touch. I felt suddenly relieved and he sent me a smile. I felt his knee hit gently against mine under the table and my lips curled more.

"So what's up between you two?" Rian asked after sitting next to me. "Last time I saw you, you were together, then we all read in extremely reliable online articles that you two split and Niall was dating that actress or singer? What's her face? And Liv was getting married to an hollywood actor. This is some crazy shit, mates."

"I'm... not dating Heidi anymore." Niall pointed out, pressing his lips together in an awkward smile.

"And I called the wedding off and broke up with Dylan."

Everyone stared at us and Zara chuckled slightly after half a minute, shaking her head. "Wow. You guys need more drinks."

We started drinking and talking and after a few hours, I was starting to be tipsy. I walked to the bar to get more pints and while waiting, I leaned on the counter to stare at Niall. He was laughing with our old friends and I was suddenly thrown back to when we were younger and would hang out all together. I could pretend life was easy back then but it would be a lie. I had to admit, though, that everything changed when Niall left, and I do mean everything.

My lips curled on the left when I watched him throw his head back. I could hear his laughter even from where I was and something jumped inside me at the sight. I already knew, but once again, it hit me how much I loved him and how i'd never be over him. I didn't want to be over him anyway. I wanted to be with him.

"Having a good time?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise before turning to the voice with a smile before looking at Niall again and finally putting my attention back on Rian.

"Mmhm, and you?"

I was getting so tipsy that I had a hard time hiding my attraction for Niall. I knew my eyes were probably betraying me but I was at that point where I didn't give a fuck anymore. A few more people we knew had joined us and we were all getting a bit drunk but when I turned around and smiled to Rian again, I noticed he was way past that stage. He sent me a small smirk and bent down closer, making me move back instinctively.

"You know you were my first fuck." he pointed out, making me chuckle low.

"Yea you were my first fuck too."

"You ever wonder what it would feel like more than a decade later?" he whispered after bending down more.

My lips parted and I glanced at him, standing up and shaking my head. "Honestly, no."

"Come on." he slurred as I pressed my lips together. "Just one time. I never really understood why you broke up with me, y'know?"

I looked up at him, feeling uneasy, and swallowed hard. I didn't want to cause a scene and I knew he was drunk but at the same time, I had no fucking idea what he was thinking at that exact moment. I knew he thought I was single, which I was... sort of, but I had the feeling he would insist even if I was officially taken.

"I just didn't have those feelings for you, that's why." I pointed out.

It was true and at the same time, it was also because I couldn't take Niall out of my mind. I felt his arm slither around my waist and pushed him away gently but firmly, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Two things. One, you're drunk and two, I'm not interested. It's been years, Rian, we both moved on." I pointed out. "Besides, aren't you with Ava now?"

"Ava and I have an agreement. Until we're official, we can fuck whoever we want. That's why she's all over your ex boyfriend."

My lips parted again and my heartbeats accelerated. I turned to look at Niall but for some reason, he had switched seat with me, leaving a free chair between him and Ava and I sighed of relief without thinking.

"That's why you said no to me for so long before agreeing to date me, right? That's also why you broke up with me isn't it?"

I turned back to him, noticing he had moved closer again. "What?"

"Him. Him and his fucking stupid angel face. You've always wanted him and he never fucking wanted you. The only time he dated you he fucking left you to be a famous little shit and now you're still looking at him like he's some sort of god."

"Shut up, you're pissed." I said low enough, getting suddenly angry.

"Still. You know i'm right." he added, sending me a small smile. "Come on, I'll make you cum so hard."

I felt Rian's hand on my breasts and this time, I pushed him harder as my heart seemed to stop.

"I said no!"

I felt my whole body on fire as I stared at him but he moved closer and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me against him to kiss me. This time, I started hitting his chest hard to push him away and I heard a chair scratch against the wood floor before falling down. It took about half a second for Niall to be between Rian and I, pushing him hard enough to make him back away a few feet.

"She said no."

"Oh yea, mister perfect is there again to save the day!" Rian let out a bit too loud in a sarcastic tone. "Same as you were back then. Always there to be the perfect 'best friend'." he laughed, doing quotation marks with his fingers on the last two words.

"Rian, don't go too far." Niall only replied, shaking his head slightly.

"She's not yours, anymore, Horan! So let it go!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

I took a step back, surprised by how well Niall could keep calm and glanced at our table to see all of our friends watching the show. It was not really how I imagined my night.

"You're a fuckin' asshole and I've always hated you, ya know that?"

"I'm very aware." Niall sighed. "But she said she was not interested, so keep your feckin' hands in your pockets."

"Or what?" Rian yelled, this time. "Or WHAT?"

"Rian, stop!"

We all turned to Ava who was frowning and Rian scoffed, shaking his head. "You stay out of this." he turned to Niall. "And you!" he grabbed him by his shirt and my heart sank in my chest as I moved closer, grabbing Rian's arm and trying to push him back.

"Please, stop!" I let out, suddenly panicked.

Niall didn't send me a glance and kept looking at Rian, "Liv, move back. Please Liv."

It took me a few seconds and I did as he asked just when Rian started talking again.

"She's not your girlfriend." he repeated. "So mind your own fuckin' business!"

"But I still love her." Niall admitted louder, making my lips part and my whole body throb. "I'm still in love with her. And I'm not gonna let you touch her, not without her consent."

Everything happened a bit too fast for me to react and I barely saw Rian let go of Niall to throw his fist at him. Gladly, he was totally hammered and Niall easily dodged his hit before throwing his own first on Rian's jaw. My eyes got bigger as Rian fell on the floor and I finally closed them, bringing both my hands on my face.

"MATES!"

I remained motionless, eyes closed and silent, until I felt someone pull me out and I only opened my eyes again when I felt the fresh air hit the skin of my face. It was a bit cold and I shivered, bringing my arms around myself before I felt someone wrap theirs around me from behind.

"Hey, you okay?" I didn't have to hear his voice, I immediately recognized Niall from the way he was touching me, and the way he smelled. God he smelled amazing. "I'm sorry about all this."

I shook my head and sighed. "Let's leave, okay?"

I noticed Ava and two other guys try to put Rian on the backseat of a car and Zara quickly ran to me, raising her nose up and placing her hand on my arm.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, tilting her head, before I nodded. "I'll message you, okay? And if you invite me to Cali, I'd love to visit!"

I chuckled and nodded. "We can definitely plan that."

She glanced up at Niall and tried to stop a smirk from gracing her face without much success.

"Have fun you two." she just chuckled. "I'm rooting for you."

I laughed and closed my eyes again, a bit embarrassed but quickly, Niall moved away and reached for my fingers. I let him take my hand in his and we walked in silence. I knew where he was taking me but I didn't mention it and when we sat in the grass, I moved my legs over his thighs and felt his hand on mine, warming me. It was cold and I knew we wouldn't last too long outside but I enjoyed being close to him in silence. It took at least 20 minutes for Niall to talk again and hearing his voice made something stir in my stomach.

"I'm sorry." he said in a low tone, looking down at his hand on my thigh as he gently brushed his fingertips on my pants. "I don't know why I did that. But he had his hand on your breasts and I suddenly wanted to kill him."

I stared at him for a few seconds without talking and waiting for him to look up but he didn't. I pressed my lips together and placed my hand over his, grabbing his fingers and squeezing them.

"Thank you for defending me." I just replied, making him nod slightly. "You were so laid-back, I didn't expect you to throw your fist at him. You don't need to apologize."

He looked up at me and sent me a fond smile as I bit my bottom lip. Slowly, I moved closer and kissed him gently. I could feel my head spinning from all the alcohol in my body and when he deepened the kiss, I felt my eyes flutter behind my eyelids.

"I'm sorry." I whispered against his mouth. "I should have told our friends we were together. It would have spared a few problems."

"Not your fault. It's entirely his fault. He shouldn't have touched you after you said no, whether you were taken or not. He's an asshole and he deserved a good punch. I'm just happy I'm the one who gave him." he confessed, making me chuckle. "I can't believe he did that."

"Well he was seeing the way I was looking at you apparently. And he probably saw how Ava was all over you, too. Must have been hard for him to be rejected twice in the same night. I've rejected him a lot, too."

"Still not an excuse." Niall whispered, kissing my lips very gently.

"I know."

"Don't defend him, he's an arsehole."

"I know."

We remained silent again as we kissed some more. I felt his hand move up on me and slip between my thighs, the side of one of his fingers pressing on my pussy. I whimpered very low and chuckled.

"It's way too cold to fuck here."

"I know." he groaned. "I just can't believe we have to sleep at my mom's. Every single time we come visit you don't want to let me fuck you."

The way he pouted and his childish tone made a laugh boom out of me and I finally leaned my forehead against his and brought my hand to his cheek.

"I'll let you tomorrow morning, but only if you agree to do something tonight that I've always wanted to do."

He frowned and pulled away to stare at me suspiciously. "I want to ask if I'll regret it but if you let me cum inside you tomorrow then I'm ready for anything."

I laughed again and kissed him with a smile. It felt so great to be wanted even if most of the time, It also felt surreal. We walked back to his mom's and it was extremely late when he tried to find the right keys to walk inside before realizing the door was not locked. We both laughed as we walked inside, and it made me realize we were both still quite tipsy. We walked slowly, trying to remain silent without much success and when he bumped into the table, we both laughed. He pulled me closer and started kissing me hard, sticking his tongue on my mouth only to turn me on, I suspected. His normal taste was altered with the taste of beer but I loved it and I moaned low in his mouth. I couldn't remember how we ended up on the roof but I stared up at the sky, tilting my head with a smile.

"That's really all you wanted?" he asked after a while. "Watch the stars like we used to do on the roof of your house?"

I kept looking up at the indigo sky and pressed my lips together before licking them.

"We used to do that all the time, just you and I, and I remember wishing you would kiss me every single time. That's why we're here. I want to kiss you while we watch the stars together."

Niall chuckled low. "You're so cheesy. I blame you for my romantic side."

I turned to send him a big smile. "You're welcome."

His lips curled into a fond and loving grin and I bit my bottom lip.

"I will kiss you anywhere you want. Any time you want. For any reason you can think of, or for no reason at all except that I love you."

I felt my heart melt in my chest and breathed in, trying to keep my tears in. He was leaning on his side to look at me, holding himself with one of his elbows and arms, and suddenly, I could see the adorable 14 year old he used to be, with his blonde hair and his crooked teeth. I felt my heart swell and my eyes watered, letting a tear fall on one of my cheeks as I sniffed. Was I really going to push away this man out of fear? Was that a good way to live life anyway? To stop myself from being happy in fear of being hurt again? It was ridiculous.

"We will be together, Niall."

He frowned slightly and moved his upper body closer. "What?"

"If you still want of me..." I repeated before breathing in deeply. "if you still want to be with me.. really be with me. Officially. It will happen."

"I'll always want that Olivia." he simply replied but I could hear surprise and happiness in his voice and when I looked up at him, his eyes seemed to sparkle. They shined even more than they did at the bar when he was drunk and it made my heart jump in my chest. Perhaps, it was only the reflection of the lights of the streets, or maybe I was hallucinating it... but I didn't think so. He seemed genuinely excited by my words.

"I just need more time. But it will happen." I explained more. "I'll never be able to live without you anyway. And I don't want to. I don't want to live without you, Niall."

His lips curled into the biggest smile and he chuckled, moving closer and sliding his hand behind my head. I could feel his fingers sink in my hair as he pulled me closer.

"Best news of the day. It beats everything else." he let out low. "Now, I'm going to kiss you beneath the stars until you're too tired to keep your eyes open."

[spencersmagic]

okayyyy so @reidsnose tagged me but the text post but it was getting too long n it was annoying. 

idk who started it so if anybody knows lmk and ill tag them  

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better. 

tagging: @mggswhorificlover @matthewscumslut @hercleverboy @elitereid @reidssbau @reidsbbg @doctorswhore @speencereid 

1. name/nickname: carolina/carol

2. gender: female-ish?? i go by she/they but im still figuring it out. 

3. star sign: sagittarius 😇😇

4. height: 5′4″ (164cm)

5. time: 10.11AM

6. birthday: november 29th

7. favorite bands: the neighbourhood, arctic monkeys, mother mother, gang of youths. 

8. favorite solo artists: harry styles, hozier, bon iver, taylor swift, GRLwood, teddy hyde, clairo, king princess, rex orange county

9. song stuck in my head: y’all know that song that goes “what if wheeeeen he sees me, i like him and he knooows it? what if he opens up a doooor and i can cloooose it?”? its very pretty n dramatic and its stuck in my brain. 

10. last movie: avengers 1 (im watching them all again in chronological order to prepare for black widow). 

11. last show: brooklyn nine nine. 

12. when did i make this blog: a bit over a month ago. 

13. what i post: all things criminal minds, with the occasional “i hate life” rant. 

14. last think i googled: im taking a greek myth class on coursera so i logged into that. 

15. other blogs: i have a side blog where i repost stuff i need but its not for the public, just for me to have everything closeby.

16. do i get asks: nope hahah i guess im still hella new to this but every note i get makes my heart go thumpy thumpy !! you guys interacting, even in the slightest, makes me super duper happy :)

17. why i chose my url: because of the “physics-magic” episode. spencer was too cute 🥺🥺

18. following: 170

19. followers. 101  🥳  🥳  🥳 

20. average hours of sleep: oof somewhere between 3 and 7 cause i’ve messed up my sleeping schedule :)

21. lucky number: 51 

22. instruments: i’ve been playing the piano since i was 6 

23. what am i wearing rn: baby blue shirt with a butterfly in the middle and some black sweatpants. 

24. dream trip: i wanna go back to sweden. I spent so much time there as a child but now, since im not close to my daddy, i don’t go. ALSO COVID. 

25. favorite food: a good carbonara is oooof 🥰🥰

26. nationality: double?? i think. Spanish and Swedish. (I’m supposed to have double but since i turned 18 idk if i get the swedish one revoked or sum). 

27. favorite song: like real people do, by hozier. its a motherfucking masterpiece 🥺🥺

28. last book read: i’ve been going through the classics, so i’m finishing 1984 by orwell rn. 

29. top three fictional universes: criminal minds, harry potter and brooklyn nine nine (i wanna goof around with gina linetti). 

30. favorite color: livid (coming from the latin lividus, meaning “a dull leaden-blue color”). its blue-grey, basically. 

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[marvxlousqueen]

Bucky Barnes- Hold Me

requested: Omg yay! Yes I have a request for Bucky! my idea is that the reader is tonys adopted daughter who’s like 22/23 she’s an avenger and she has sleeping problems due to some trauma and she spends most nights in the kitchen having coffee but one night she goes down and finds Bucky? And he can’t sleep either and they share all their secrets and stuff and it’s all fluff and then they fall asleep on the couch and Tony finds them but he thinks it’s cute? Idk

warnings: cursing, kinda dad!tony

word count: 1000

A/N: this is my first time writing for bucky so pls dont roast me !! also this took forever im sorry school has been KILLING me

ALSO!! dedicated to my girl @thoughtlesspace bc she loves seb and its her bday today and i love her

(Y/n) laid awake in her bed, tossing and turning as she did every night. It was the dreams that kept her up. She figured life would’ve gotten easier when Tony took her in a few years ago right before she turned 18, but being affiliated with the Starks was just as difficult, maybe even more so. 

Just a few months ago, she had been hit while driving, the man getting out of his car and trying to break into hers. It was obviously not an accident. (Y/n) couldn’t get that day out her head. The loud words of the man planning to hold her for ransom, his hands throwing her from the car. If she hadn’t been so close to the compound, who knows where she would’ve ended up. 

She had Bucky Barnes to thank for that. He had been taking his usual nightly jog to try and clear his head when he heard the crash. He had decided to investigate further and saw (Y/n) being tossed to the ground. He easily intervened, slamming the man into the car like it was nothing. 

That was her first solo interaction with Bucky. She had tried to get more conversation out of him after that night, thanking him constantly for saving her life. He would just nod and head off to his room for some quiet. She had even tried to thank him with food and get him talking then, but instead he silently took a muffin she had made and wandered off again. 

(Y/n) assumed he was just being modest and perhaps still adjusting to this new world he’s stuck in. After that she had lost hope in making a new friend. 

She tried to shut her brain off from thinking about the man who attacked her in her car. Every night for the past two months she had been up thinking about it. And every night she found herself in the kitchen with a cup of tea, trying to calm herself. 

(Y/n) pulled herself out of bed and wandered down to the kitchen, her blanket wrapped around her shoulders and trailing behind her. Once in the compound kitchen, she turned on the electric kettle and grabbed her usual mug. 

(Y/n) took a seat on her usual bar stool, cup in hand and she slowed her breathing. Suddenly, she heard a noise from the staircase leading to the living room. 

“Fuck!” Someone whisper-yelled. 

Standing up, she moved to follow the noise. Reaching the staircase, she looked down and saw Bucky picking up pieces of a broken dish from the bottom of the stairs.

��What are you doing?”

“Wha- oh! Hey, sorry. Dropped a bowl.”

(Y/n) climbed lower on the stairs, “Why are you up so late?”

“Can’t sleep. Needed cereal.”

She hummed,  helping him carefully pick up the large pieces.

“Careful now, doll.”

(Y/n) glanced up, meeting his piercing eyes and red cheeks.

“Sorry- just, careful. ‘S sharp.”

She stood up again, “I’ll get a broom.”

(Y/n) returned, handing him the broom and watching him carefully sweep up the mess.

“You know, I think this is the longest conversation we’ve had.” 

Bucky laughed quietly, “Yeah, I think so.”

“Wonder why, hm?”

He laughed again “My fault. I’m a little on the quieter side.” 

She nodded, smiling softly at him as he put the broom to the side, plopping down on the couch. “I’d like that to change. Get to know you some more.”

Bucky shrugged, “Not much to know.” 

She sat down next to him, pulling her legs under her, “Oh come on,” she pushed his shoulder, “Tell me about young Steve, or the 40s, or anything!”

“I’ve got a lot on Stevie boy.”

“Oh please spill.”

Bucky jumped into a story about his and Steve’s first trip to Coney Island. He recounted how Steve threw up on the big wooden Cyclone ride, or how they spent all their money in hot dogs and trying to win prizes for some “dames” that they had to hitchhike back to Brooklyn. 

Hours passed as Bucky shared everything he could remember about his life before the fall. (Y/n) explained how different hers was before Tony took her in as a teen. 

“Damn,” Bucky check his phone, “4 in the morning, should probably get some sleep.”

“I can’t.”

“Dreams? Me too.”

“Really?” (Y/n) looked up at him, “Makes sense.”

Bucky nodded, “I’m always afraid I’m going to wake up back in the day, back in hydra. As if this is all a dream. I need something to keep me grounded so I just try to stay awake.”

“I- I could keep you grounded, if you want?” Her voice was quiet as she proposed her thought.

“You- really?”

“Sure. And I mean, I feel really safe around you since I watched you beat the fuck out of that guy- I could probably sleep too.”

He nodded, ears burning slightly. He made the first move, laying down on the couch and pulling (Y/n) on top of him. Her arms wrapped over his chest as his held her. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. 

“Of course.”

The pair are woken up at 9 am by Tony poking Bucky’s forehead.

“What are you doing with her, Barnes?”

“Huh? Wha-”

(Y/n) rolled off of Bucky, standing up on wobbley legs, “Oh fuck off Tony.”

“Watch it.”

“Sorry, sorry. Nothing happened. Just finally got some sleep, which you had to ruin.”

“Hm. Sure. I don’t care, just hands above the blanket at all times, hear me Barnes?”

Bucky gave him a sleepy smile, “No promises, right doll?”

taglist: @chocolatealmondmilkshake @thoughtlesspace @chxrrymoons @babebenhardy @rexorangecouny @cyndagoaway @killcomet @mcrmarvelloki @queen-turtle-boiii @hardlylo @ziggymay @jacqueline1916 @onceuponadetectivedemigod @ixchel-9275 @queen-baelin  @radiob-l-a-hblah @kurt-nightcrawler @kellypenac

[itsjusta]

WEEKLY UPDATE #11

Dec. 21 (Mon)

1:31 AM. I was going to sleep na unta but I ended up crying because I’m thinking about so many things 😅😅

but i had a good day doeeee its my first time to trade and i earned 400+ but i didnt sell pa basin magamay na nuon aish i’m looking forward to trading gyd doeee its fun and i want to earn money so i can save and buy things hehe also happy for u cos hapit naka maka 100k!!

watched a lot of teen wolf also today and did a task for khalid 😪

Dec. 22

my day was actually going okay. i’m disappointed sa ako self sa trading, but i was okay na with that.

i just spent my afternoon watching tv but then i saw that notif and everything just came crashing down

im really in so much pain and i hurt myself today. its nothing major, just small ones enough lang to make me feel something else. dont saba2 about dis doe. dont feel bad also this is my own choice and im doing this to lessen my emotional pain a little.

i also deactivated my fb doeee this is just temporary but i’m just really stressed.

Dec. 23

today was better hehe i know its ur first month so i really tried to stop myself from thinking that hahah just watched a lot of netflix and tv doeee and tiktok also hahaha

i hope tomorrow will be a better day for you doe :(( you know, when we were together i would get so scared to see u angry becos usahaaay ra gyd kyka masuko. u have so much patience for everything and i hate seeing you angry gyd kay i know nalain gyd ka ana doe and idk what’s making you angry but i hope u resolve it doe with whoever or whatever made u angry. i hope u have a calm and happy heart this Christmas! ♥️

if pwede lang gyd, i will go with u somewhere chill doe like a beach to just calm your mind. u know i’m always here for you and my house is always open for you! 🥰

Dec. 24

wasn’t so busy this day doeee cos sila ra nag prepare wala man mga salad2 hahah i’m celebrating Christmas this year na not as happy as sauna doe becos idk my heart is just not that happy also hehe i wish for a better Christmas jd next year, i wish to be happier next year doe and i wish that for you also.

lost my peace of mind these past few months doe that’s why its been so hard. i think this is one of the greatest gift u gave gyd to me while kita pa doeee i was so at peace sauna doe because i know na you love me and that i will always have you thats why i was also very happy and now i’m still learning to have that peace on my own doe

thank you for being one of my greatest blessings!!! i am forever thankful for all the love you have given me. i may not have celebrated this Christmas with you as my partner, but I’m also thankful that I got to celebrate with you as a friend.

Dec. 25

the weather today is so cold doe nice na nuon mag maoy2 hahah

cried a lot today doe cos idkkk just thought of a lot of things. i think gyd we will not talk na doe months from now cos its so hard to maintain our communication esp if face to face na 😅 but maybe you will be happier that way doe. i think you will be happier if we dont talk na doe cos u dont have to worry about me. if i just had the strength, i will really let you go doe because its for you but its so hard for me because i want to be involved in your life. but its also so hard to get involved in your life doe cos i get so hurt by many things but idk sometimes i find it worth it when i get to talk with you dayon inana btaw aishhhh i feel like im a idiot doe hahah idk

but when you want to not talk to me you can just tell me doeee u know i’ll accept it even if its hard hehe i just want whats best for u

I saw your vids and pics doe from your laag. You look really happy and you look together. I love seeing you happy but it super hurts that you’re happy na gyd with another doe. (not gonna lie i broke down after hahah) idk doe seeing you happy like that makes me realize that maybe i shouldn’t be involved in your life na doe because i’m just disturbing your peace and it’s so hard for me to move on also. i’ve been trying so hard to block out any info or news about u guys but i really can’t block everything out :)

also deactivated my fb doe idk i’m so tired so many things affect me doe. i feel so hurt, so small, so insignificant and so pathetic now. i feel like i’m torturing myself and that the world is punishing me. Looord ansaket huh :(

did it again today doeee aish i shud not do this na sayang ako skin!! hahahah (serious i shud not do this na doe)

alsooo 7 months nata buwag ngeok!! hahah

Dec. 26

today was an okay day doeee my morning was productive because i did my assignment and then cooked yummy fried rice for lunch

i just watched kdrama dayon doeee and i was excited huh cos i tot u will laag here but aish the weather not cooperating :( i even init na carbonara for u unta but aissshhh hahah idk when i will see u again doeee maybe u will not want to laag na hahah u also didnt call me but das also okay doeee 😅 i was very bored at night na dayon doe aishhh

u knooow i think i will just continue to love you doe until i get tired na dayon becos i dont receive the same love back hahah maybe that time maka stop najd dayon ko doeee idk with this heart bsag unsa na kasakit ga padayon gihapon!!! hahahah but maybe gyd doe one day i will get exhausted na and will stop na heheh

Dec. 27

watched a lot of kdrama today doe and just relaxed lang

i miss going on dates doeee huhu i want to kaon2 with someone and suroy2!!!! aish being single is so mingaw and i miss having sex doeee ion like being lonely and tigang!!!!!! 😤😤😤😤😤😤

[andyl394]

All 85 questions Im back on my bullshit

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I don’t think so, but i cant relate bc my gf is hot.

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Yes.

3. Are you a virgin?

no

4. Are you in a relationship?

YES

5. Are you in love?

In a way, I guess every day I fall a bit more.

6. Are you single this year?

No.

7. Can you commit to one person?

Yes.

8. Describe your crush

Ginger, incredibly sweet and smart, she’s so talented and pretty, she’s so strong and such an empath. 

9. Describe your perfect mate

Read question 8

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

To some extent.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Heck yes.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Nop.

13. Do you get jealous easily?

It depends.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Grace,

15. Do you have any piercings?

I got 9, most are on my ears and other two on my nose.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

I got three looking for more.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

I do hehe 

20. Do you shower every day?

At least twice a day.

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I mean,,,, I hope my girlfriend does.

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

At this moment? Not really.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Lmao I can last my entire life and not cheat.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

I don’t know?

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I am in one!

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Guess I’ve never been that important to someone

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Nop

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yeah.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Nop.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

Yeah, and I’m gonna get one, I’ll have to do a breast reduction, not as much because I don’t like my boobies, but because they’re too big for someone my size/height, always gave me back pain too.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Lmao yeah.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yup.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Unfortunately.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

yah

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yeah.

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Not in a romantic way.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yes.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes.

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yes.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

Yes.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

No.

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

As long as the other person feels comfortable with.

43. How long was your longest relationship?

4 months?

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

5

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

Don’t remember, probably one?

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

qué

47. How old are you?

18

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Depending on the situation, if I told them I liked them and that was their answer, I’d say “sorry, thank you for letting me know.”

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

The way she cares about people and how sweet and gentle she is. Also she’s smoking hot.

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

no.

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yeah, my gf, my friends and my brother.

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Yes, my parents. Because I learned that although I’m not important for them, I’m important to others and I should put my effort into those who do.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

No.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Yeah.

55. Share a relationship story.

lmao i was starting to count on one, then i realized it was two, then i REALLY realized it was three. Ok, three exes of mine never broke up with me, they all either stopped talking to me or just showed up dating someone else.

56. State 8 facts about your body

I have big tiddies;

My eyes are not as dark as people would think;

I’m not tall;

I’m flexible;

got big giant hands;

big feet too;

tummy big;

pretty nose.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

sorry you died and I wasn’t near you.

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Be sweet;

gimme food;

call me petnames;

don’t treat me bad;

don’t be a dick.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

I don’t hide it, it’s my profile pic.

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

22 years and that’s called child grooming.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Their smile.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

tug my hair, pull me to them, hug me from behind, whisper in my ear or close to my face.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Trusting someone to see you vulnerable.

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Being romantically/emotionally available to someone else other than the person you committed to, besides the obvious physical one.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

idk

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

that’s a secret.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Watch the sunset and kiss under a tree or just cuddle in a lazy cold day.

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Pansexual

69. What turns you off?

being rude.

70. What turns you on?

many things.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I was gonna say but damn i can’t lmao.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

Praise words and if I’m being honest,,,, maybe calling me some bad names.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Just overall cherish me

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

I can’t think of anything, but probably a pretty smile?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My friends got together to buy me gifts before I moved out.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I can’t think of anything.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

I don’t care as long as it isn’t pedophilia.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I have a choking kink.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

Romantically, when one of my exes manipulated me into believing he was having a relationship with his friend. And jealous overall, when my parents forgot my birthday and spent the whole day with my brother.

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Can’t remember.

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

@binkysteebnpewter, my friend Leticia, Bread, Birb and u.

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

A friend at work.

83. Who was your first kiss with?

A girl from my class when I was young.

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

She died.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

YUP

[thewritingstar]

Guess I'll take one for the team number 1-30 Pls kind stae

1. What do you like and dislike about the way you were brought up?

-I liked how my parents never forced the “you’re gonna marry a man” thing on me. It was always “you’re going to marry someone who loved you no matter what and makes you happy” and that’s something I really appreciated. One thing I disliked was forcing me to go to church. It’s not a place for kids where they are forced to sit still for hours and be quiet and it was hard for someone like me where my focus isn’t as great.

2. What do you believe are the 5 biggest issues we face as humans now?

-global warming, lack of human morals, poverty, inequality between genders and races, the numbness people have with violence and how war and crime and shootings are seen as everyday things.

3. If you could write a novel what would it be about?

-fun fact I am writing a book now! I’m not gonna say what it’s about but it’s in the romance category and I hope that one day I’ll publish it!

4.  What are your beliefs regarding the universe and the nature of life and death?

-I think life and death are natural things and actually do have meaning and purpose but are in control of one another.

5. Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. 

-hmm I think it was one where I was running down a hallway with stained glass shining on my face as my black ball gown was flowey.

6. Do you want children? Why or why not? 

-yes and no. A part of me would love to be a mom but another is me not wanting to raise a human being when I myself am not in the right space to do so. If anything I would love to adopt a teen or child instead of birth, cause that ain’t happening.

7. What are your views on gender equality? 

- 10000% for it. If we are not equal in the simplest way then there is a problem. No one should be treated badly or given less freedom and rights just for their gender whether they are cis,trans,non binary and everything in between. Equality is either for all or none at all.

8. How do you feel about cultural appropriation? 

-I think it’s disgusting but a lot of people won’t learn to tell the difference between cultural appreciation and appropriation. I think that for some cases people want to experience other cultures which is good but please be mindful and don’t do anything that could offend or harm anyone’s way.

9. Where are the 3 places you most want to travel to and why?

-Italy because it’s beautiful, Japan because it’s Japan and I’m kinda a weeb, Disney Shanghai because WOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT???

10. What are some things you wish you’d been taught as a child that you weren’t? 

-hmmm my parents were pretty open about things so I feel like I didn’t not know things. So idk for this one. Because what ever they didn’t teach me, they didn’t know themselves.

11. Talk about some of the biggest mistakes you’ve ever made?

-oof one time I drove through a red light thinking it was a stop sign

12. Do you feel you are in control of your destiny or do you believe fate controls the course of your life? 

-I would like to think I’m in control but there is definitely an influence of fate along these lines.

13. Do you believe is ghosts/ spirits? If so why do you think they exist?

-well for one whose to say they don’t? I don’t really think they do but I also don’t think they don’t ya know? I think it’s just a cool thought to think about the continuation of life after this time.

14. Do you think there are any other forms of intelligent life in the universe? 

-for sure. You are a fool if you don’t think so. It’s hard to wrap the mind around but imagine all the untapped potential that radiates out in space.

15. What do you think constitutes a truly healthy relationship?

-communication and desire. If you don’t wanna put in the time and work for a healthy realtionship, do not waste the other persons time

16. How would you like to live your life?

-full of happiness and pursuing what I want

17. Talk about a time someone treated you badly.

-growing up I’ve always been a victim of emotional abuse (not super harsh) but adults around me did not know that the stuff they had said hurt me. It’s hard when you don’t understand or know when you’re hurting something.

18. Talk about a time you treated someone else badly. 

-Hmm when ever I feel like I hurt someone’s feeling I always apologize. I guess maybe when I get angry I talk it out on my parents and act a little rude.

19. What is something you can’t do that you really wish you could? 

-idk be confident more. I just feel like I can’t but I know I can and should.

20. What are your initial thoughts when somebody tells you they’re religious? 

-I think it’s fine. I am not one to hate on someone for religious views. Now using your religion to belittle someone else does not go well with me but for the most part, it’s a beautiful thing that can bring people together and there’s no need to hate some one for their religion if they have one or not.

21. Were you more of the victim or the bully as a child? 

-probably a victim. I was teased by this one girl who I still hate after years and I always tried to be a nice person even if I didn’t get along with people but I probably have been rude to kids before because kids are ruthless.

22. How have you changed since you were a child and how have you stayed the same? 

-I’ve stayed the same i guess in my childlike wonder and ability to find the best in things. I’ve changed in a lot of ways. I notice and identify when something is right. Plus my anxiety has changed since I was younger.

23. Are you the kind of person who has a large group of friends or are you someone who has just a few people they’re close to? 

-I have a mixture. My group of friends consist of like 5 people but we are all extremely close and then I have another group of friends that I’m close with but not at that level. I’m just a friendly person

24. What qualities have you got from your parents? 

-my dads hard work and determination and my moms laughter

25. What is one thing you wish somebody would say to you right now? 

-drink some water and eat better you dehydrated slut

26. Describe your ideal partner? 

-I think someone who is compassionate and has a good sense of humor. I just want someone where they can make me laugh even when I feel broken. Also good hair. Like if you have that panic! Haircut, it does not matter who you are, I will instantly be attractive to you.

27. Describe yourself as a person?

-I would like to say that I am a caring and generous person who is always ready with a quick comeback and jokes. But even when I’m smiling I am burdened with mental illness that helps my delivery with puns. Im also kinda short.

28. What things don’t you do right now that you feel like you morally should? 

-I feel like I should volunteer more even though I don’t have time and spent a lot of my childhood helping at cancer volunteer stuff.

29. What is your star sign and how accurate do you think it is in describing you?

-Aries. If you met me then you probably would think so too. I mean even on here you could probably sense that I was a fire sign lol.

30. What sort of terms are you on with your exes? 

-I’ve never dated anyone so I don’t have an ex but you better believe that I would be that ex that still gets invited to things because the family loves me.

[kaffeinic]

60 Question Tag Challenge!

I was challenged by @woo-for-woojin to answer all of these. To be fair, I challenged her first, but let’s not get into the details. Original post of questions by @roseyygf.

1: Selfie.

GAAAAAAAH I HATE THIS ALREADY SMH IM SO UGLY.

Lmao look at my fingers. What the hell is going on there?

2: What would you name your future kids?

I feel like that’s a joint decision, so I can’t say. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll want to have my own kids through childbirth. My family has a genetic disposition to difficulties during pregnancy. I might adopt.

3: Do you miss anyone?

A few people. Some of them I haven’t even met in person. I miss my BFF from school. I miss a few people online that I’ve fallen out of touch with. I’m always missing people. 😂

4: What are you looking forward to?

College, and moving out of my house. I’ve been itching to do both of these for years now.

5: Is there anyone who can always make you smile?

@hoshithehamster, @woo-for-woojin, @a-toxic-galaxy, my BFF from school, and my older sister. Also, I swear, @hoshithehamster and I are literally are always TALKING IN CAPS LOCK BECAUSE WE ARE IDIOTS AND WE HAVE THE WEIRDEST, MOST FUN CONVERSATIONS EVER.

6: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

Once I’ve gone all-in, yeah. When it’s a crush, not usually. I’m really slow to develop a crush on someone. Painfully slow lol. I’m cautious because I’ve been hurt by people in that regard a few times. One incident had me suicidal for a long time.

7: What was your life like last year?

Kind of the same? I didn’t have this blog open. If you had asked this regarding two years ago, I would have said that I wasn’t homeschooling, didn’t know how to play piano much, didn’t have this blog, and was very depressed because of my old schoolmates.

8: Have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

YES! Whenever I feel stuck and know I have no control of a situation, I get frustrated and find a quiet place to cry.

9: Who did you last see in person?

I’m assuming this means out of my own household. The last person I saw was my older sister and her roommates, who I am really good friends with. One of them loves coffee as much as me and it’s great! I spent the night. That was over a month and a half ago lmao. Before that, I had gone on a date at a coffee shop.

10: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Yeah. My family gets angry at me if I’m sad or angry about anything, so I hold it all in. It definitely has made life a bit harder. I make people angry when I won’t disclose my feelings to them. I just find it to be better to hold it. I have to be really comfortable with you and really love you if I’ll tell you that I’m sad/angry and why.

11: Are you listening to music right now?

Yeah. It’s Le Pire by Maître Gims. He’s a really great French singer.

12: What is something you want right now?

If this is concerning food, I’m in the mood for chicken right now lol. I need some protein. Aside from food, I’m wanting to get a pedal for my electric piano. I have no sustain and it ruins a lot of songs. 😂 It’s why I have my ko-fi open.

13: How do you feel right now?

Meh. I’m not feeling great. I have some issues with fainting. My blood pressure drops like a rock at times and I feel it coming on, if you know what I’m saying. It’s this kind of lethargic, sick feeling. I’m trying to drink a lot of water, just in case it’s about dehydration.

14: When was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

When I last visited my favourite coffee shop. For those of you who read Caffeinic, Chan’s character design is a mix of his true personality and a barista at my café of choice. He always gives me a hug when I see him, and when I say good bye. 😊

15: Personality description?

For a quick description, I’d say that INFJ, which is my MBTI type, is really accurate for me. I’ll let one of my friends try to describe me. I’m bad at describing myself lol.

Okay, but my heart is combusting. This amazing hooman, I lob her so much!!!! One of my best friends for sure.

16: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

All the time. I’m sure you all have heard Fight Song by Rachel Platten, but that line where she says, “And all those things I didn't say // Wrecking balls inside my brain // I will scream them loud tonight // Can you hear my voice this time?” really resonates with me. It was that lyric that hooked me on this song.

17: Opinion on insecurities?

I think 90% of us have them. They are humbling, which can be good, but I urge you to know your worth. I’m such a hypocrite.

18: Do you miss how things were a year ago?

Not really. Not much has changed.

19: Have you ever been to New York?

No, but I’d love to visit! I’m from the west coast lol.

20: What is your favourite song at the moment?

Ramai by Delia & The Motans. I listen to a lot of different languages in music lol. I have no idea what any of it means, so if it’s inappropriate, I apologize.

21: Age and birthday.

Internationally, 18. May 3, 2001.

22: Description of crush.

I don’t think I have a crush???? Haha. There’s this really kind, pretty hot barista at the café who seems to like me but I’m avoiding relationships, so idk. He has green eyes and black, curly hair. He’s maybe 170-180cm, but I’m not entirely sure. He looks damn good in a button up, I... wow. 🥵

23: Fear(s)?

So many lmao. I’m afraid of some trivial things, like bugs and rollercoasters, but I’m also afraid of some different items, like never having a family of my own, or of not being able to achieve my dreams.

24: Height?

154(?)cm. About 5’1.”

25: Role model?

I don’t think I have one lmao. I just try to be the best person I can be. It’s a goal in life for me to be a truly good person.

26: Idol(s).

Aren’t Idols and Role Models pretty much the same thing..? 😂 To be general, I look up to those who have studied in medical school because I know it’s a rollercoaster of difficulties and debt. I applaud them.

27: Things I hate:

This could be a very long list. Let’s go:

Unnecessary rudeness/bullying

Being forced into things I don’t like and/or am afraid of doing

Being lied to

Being stolen from

Being thrown in awkward situations

Being denied my alone time

When people make a mess that I have to clean

When I cook for people and they don’t thank me. My face just scrunched in anger while I typed this one lmao.

Arrogant/egotistic people

So many more, but I’ll cut it off there. 😊

28: “I’ll love you if...”

OOF. There’s no specific thing someone could do. If you love me, I’ll love you. I don’t mean the “awe ily” kind of love. I mean the “I will keep you out of trouble and protect you and be around you only to enjoy your company because I love you” kind of love. True love. Not that artificial crap.

29: Favourite film(s)?

Room 1408 is really good haha. I also really liked A Simple Favour. I like a lot of movies lmao. Superhero movies are always good.

30: Favourite tv show(s)?

I watched a lot of Black Mirror before we got rid of Netflix. I watch Superstore and Brooklyn 99 like they’re the gospel. I’m always down for Gilmore Girls because it’s a classic. I often watch my old childhood shows like Danny Phantom.

31: 3 random facts.

I’m assuming you mean, “3 random facts about me” lol.

I play piano.

I read “too much.” Let’s be honest, is it even possible to read too much?

I write my own stories and songs all of the time.

32: Are your friends mainly girls or guys?

Oof. My absolute closest friends are girls, but the majority of people I would consider my friends are male.

33: Something you want to learn.

Everything I can about medicine. I’m so interested in it, and I love the idea of fixing someone’s body. I’m fascinated by the weird and/or nasty things about our bodies. I hope that doesn’t sound too weird. I also wanna learn how to use a French press lmao.

34: Most embarrassing moment?

I had been selected to perform in a talent show a few years back for my old school and I got up there, face planting on the floor. Halfway through the song, I froze up and forgot the lyrics. I have never forgotten that.

35: Favourite subject?

Any form of science or Language Arts.

36: 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

Become a doctor.

Write a song that someone can perform onstage.

Clock in my 10,000 hours in piano.

Extra: I want to learn violin so badly!

37: Favourite actor/actress?

Jennifer Aniston or Nicolas Cage probably. I don’t pay much attention to actors. I also love Jeremy Renner’s work!

38: Favourite comedian(s)?

Oh lord, this question was made for me. Randy Feltface, Samuel J. Conroe, TwoSet, Ross Lynch, and many, many more!

39: Favourite sport(s)?

Volleyball, baseball, and badminton. Low/no-contact sports lol.

40: Favourite memory?

I can’t think of a specific one, but my best memories are always those random, funny moments I have with friends. I don’t think I’m ever gonna forget when my friend and I named one of her plants for the first time. I made a plant family tree. Dear lord save my soul.

41: Relationship status?

Single~

42: Favourite book(s)?

THAT IS THE HARDEST QUESTION EVER! How can I be expected to answer this???? 😂 I don’t have a favourite.

43: Favourite song ever?

Is this q&a list crafted specifically for me to not be able to answer any of the questions? 😂 I don’t have one. It changes with time.

44: Age you get mistaken for?

People always think I’m younger than I am, but if they don’t, then they over shoot it. Most people think I’m 16, or as old as 20-22. It’s crazy lol.

45: How you found out about your idol.

I’m going to interpret this as how I found out about my ult bias, who is Chan from Stray Kids. I was surfing SoundCloud and found the 3racha page. There wasn’t much there, but I liked what they had recorded. From then, I saw some of their survival show and may have kind of fallen for Channie and his personality lmao. Whoops.

46: What my last text message says.

This is the one I got while I was answering this specific question. 😊

“I feel that. I do hate unrealistic stories or stories that go on to fast like. I want to read stories where I feel like the reader could be me and not some sort of perfect girl getting the attention of all the people and fell in love withing 3 seconds and marry. I know that there must be some drama and special things to keep the story going and that's OK but I really appreciate stories who are still based more on a normal life. And you really do a good job in writing normal life stories // And tbh no story made me as happy as your barista!Chan story. It really is something different and I love it.”

Idk if the sender would be okay with me sharing that it was them, so I just copied it lol. I truly do love the feedback I get from you guys! Thank you all so much~~!

47: Turn-ons?

I’m assuming - again - that you mean romantically? I’ve always liked someone who has a decent sense of humour. Whenever I see someone working hard at their job/studies, part of me finds it... sexy? Idk. I’m weird. Save me. 😂

48: Turn-offs?

Overconfidence is a big no-no. It’s annoying as well. I can’t stand someone who truly is an idiot. Nothing turns me off more than getting a text that’s barely legible with a million abbreviations. Speak to me like someone with a brain, please. Another big turn-off is someone who is just automatically very sexual. I’m not a super sexual person, and I don’t want to hang out with someone who has a one-track mind in that sense.

49: Where I want to be right now.

The café.

50: Favourite picture of your idol?

But... he’s so pretty? How??

Sorry. I do not own these gifs/photos of Chan~

51: Star sign?

Taurus..? Idk if that’s for horoscopes lol.

52: Something I’m talented at.

Mmmmmm idk. I’m pretty mundane. I read a lot. I really would love to say I’m talented at piano, but I just don’t think I’m there yet.

53: 5 things that make me happy.

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...” Sorry.

Classical music

The smell of an old book

Petrichor and/or rainstorms

Playing piano

The smell of coffee

54: Something that’s worrying me at the moment.

Everything?? 😂 I’m worried about affording college tuition at the moment. I’m a senior and it’s steadily approaching.

55: Tumblr friends?

I almost yeeted my phone across the room. This is my question. 😂

@hoshithehamster, my fellow plant mother. I think we are each other’s spirit animal lol. I love you more than you know~! As a side note: She’s model material, I swear! Soooooo pretty, inside and out!

@woo-for-woojin, the most adorable and thoughtful person ever?? Always a pleasure to speak to. She gives the coolest and cutest requests ever, I’m-

@a-toxic-galaxy, one of the first people who supported this blog. I love you so much! We both have gotten a little busy lately, but I hope we never fall out of touch.

@doubleknot42, I guess more of an acquaintance? I still really want to get to know her more. The content on her blog is amazing, I highly recommend.

@ethereal-chanracha, someone who I’ve just recently started talking to. We’ve learned so much about each other in such a short time and I already think she’s so awesome! If you’re down for a good conversation, hit her up.

@palemoonpersephone, a friend I made after writing a post about my experiences at school. She is one of the sweetest, most thoughtful and hardworking people I’ve ever met. She offered to be my friend if ever I need one, and I don’t regret it. 💕

56: Favourite food(s).

Homemade granola (I make it a lot.)

Salad (Don’t @ me. I really do enjoy salad. I’m much more of an herbivore. 😂)

Most types of Chinese chicken

This spicy noodle thing I think I invented?

Italian sandwiches

Any type of spicy chip (Takis, Hot Cheetos, etc...)

Plain white rice

Gochu jang flavoured chicken

Despite this list, know that I’m a very picky eater lol

57: Favourite animal(s).

Foxes

Doggos

CATS

White tigers

HEDGEHOGS OML

58: Description of my best friend.

Y’all probably know who this is, but...

Kind

Attentive

Smart

Pretty

Passionate

gOOFY (like me)

The best plant mother in existence??? Fight me.

Patient

Empathetic

And SO much more~~!

59: Why I joined tumblr?

Initially, just to find cool posts and like/reblog whatever I enjoyed. My main blog, @assainfj, is the same blog I started with lol. It’s now become a place for me to share my thoughts and my writing and to meet amazing hoomans.

60: Ask me anything you want.

YASSSSS PLEASE I love answering your questions~~~~~! Send in as many as you’d like!

~

I tag: @hoshithehamster • @a-toxic-galaxy • @palemoonpersephone • @doubleknot42 • @ethereal-chanracha & anyone else who wants to do this!

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 24

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.3k - 4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: idk what to say tbh, not even sure ppl read these notes lol. well, i hope it was an okay chapter?

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : one but i sort of changed it a bit!

Chapter 24 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

We fell asleep together in his bed but I woke up in the middle of the night and stared at him for god knows how long. I didn't want to tell him what I did for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't want him to feel guilty. It was not his fault, he had every right to break up with me if he was not feeling the relationship anymore, and i'm the one who had swallowed those pills. Niall was not to blame and I knew it, but I was scared he'd feel bad if he found out. To imagine being weak like that in front of him was also not something I wanted. I was not really ready to let anyone see me that weak, but I was glad Louis had found me on that night. I was glad I was still there, because it made me realize I had a problem and I was lucky enough to have someone to help me with it.

I brought my hand to Niall's cheek and ran my fingertips on it gently, making him groan low. God I loved him. Just looking at him made me want to throw everything away and give myself to him, but I knew it was a pattern I couldn't fall back into and I had to be careful. Of course I had changed, and I had matured, and learned to love myself the way I was. I had worked on myself to trust me, and trust that I was worthy of love, even Niall's, and that my body didn't define me... but all of this didn't mean that I  didn't question myself sometimes. It didn't mean that I couldn't doubt myself, or that it was easy to resist throwing myself into Niall's arms. I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. Did I ever love anyone else in my life?

It took me a while to fall back asleep but when I finally woke up for the second time, I kept my eyes closed and whimpered, reaching out to touch him until I realized he was not in bed with my anymore. I grimaced, my eyes still closed, and forced myself to sit up. It smelled like coffee and I smiled, stretching and opening my eyes before putting sweatpants and his t-shirt on, going to the bathroom and then walking to the kitchen. Niall was there, facing the counter as he was pouring coffee in two mugs and he glanced at me, sending me a smile.

"'Morning, how did you sleep?"

The sound of his voice made my lips curl and I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist from behind and leaning my cheek on his back.

"You weren't there when I woke up." I replied with a pout that he couldn't see.

He laughed. "I'm right here!"

I hugged him tighter and when I loosened my embrace, he pushed the air out of his lungs and laughed again, turning to me and leaning his ass against the counter. My hands reached for the front of his shirt and I got on my tiptoe to reach for his lips. He tasted like coffee and I smiled against his mouth.

"You're on your second cup?" I asked, making him smile more.

"Yea you slept a lot." he pointed out before pressing his lips against mine again. "You seemed tired, I didn't want to wake you up."

I looked into his eyes and a fond smile appeared on my lips. I couldn't tell him I was tired because I spent over an hour staring at him in the middle of the night, could I?

"About last night, I want to thank you for sharing that with me." he said, glancing down before looking right in my eyes. "Thank you for trusting me. I'm so sorry I made you feel like that. I'm so sorry. I knew I had hurt you, but I never thought you were so... sad after I left. I never thought me dating someone else would hurt you that much."

"It wasn't you fault." I replied after breathing it. "It was me. It was my pain, my insecurities. It was my problem and my decision to do that. A bad and wrong one, a decision I'll never make again, but it was no one's fault but mine. You could date whoever you wanted, Niall. You didn't owe me anything."

"I'm still sorry. I'll always take part of the blame for that. But you promised you would never do that anymore, remember?" he added, raising his eyebrows. I just nodded with a soft smile and he smiled back. "Good, just a reminder."

We just looked at each other with loving smiles for a while and I felt something in my stomach. I was not sure if it was love, lust or affection... or maybe all of those feelings at the same time. All I knew was that they were all directed at him.

I felt the fingers of one of his hands run in my hair and smiled more, letting my hands run down his chest as I kept staring in his eyes. I always felt the need to be close to him and touch him and when one of my hands reached his dick, he groaned low and the grip in my hair tightened.

"Don't be a tease, petal." he whispered, making me bite my bottom lip hard.

"I'm always too horny to be a tease, you're the tease."

He chuckled and he pulled gently on his hand, making my head tilt back a bit more as my hand kept stroking his cock slowly over his sweatpants.

"I just think it's been way too long since I put your cock in my mouth, what do you think?" I whispered, sending him an amused smile. "Let me get on my knees for you."

His smile faltered and his eyes roamed on my face for a few seconds before he let go of my hair, his arm falling on his side. Quickly, I took my shirt off and his eyes fell on my breasts, making me hold my breath. It was not my best feature but the way he stared at them avidly made my heart jump in my chest. I let my shirt fall on the floor and got down on it, trying to save the pain on my knees that the cold hard floor could give me. I kept my gaze locked with his again for a few seconds and then looked away, trying to focus on his cock. I pulled his pants and boxers down, feeling my pussy throb at the sight of how hard he was but something else caught my attention. Something was not like it used to be and it had nothing to do with his dick. I frowned but my lips parted and I had to blink a few times to understand what exactly was written.

"Oh my god." I whispered, bringing a finger to it and brushing the tip of it on his skin. "Did you get a fucking tattoo?"

I glanced up and he was looking down at me with a frown. I opened my eyes wide and he grimaced, letting out a low groan.

"Darling, please, can't you see how fucking hard I am?" he pointed out. "You were about to do something?"

"I'm sorry but I can't do anything before I get an explanation.." I admitted with a nervous chuckle. "That's literally my name there?"

"I was drunk, found an old letter you wrote me, decided to get your name tattooed just like you tattooed mine." he explained quickly with a shrug. "Now your mouth? Please?"

My smile grew and I licked my lips. "Why this spot?"

"It was the only spot I could think of that wouldn't be visible for anyone, or almost."

"You... you hate tattoos." I just replied, shaking my head.

"I do not hate tattoos, I just never wanted to get one. I didn't see the appeal. And I still don't." he admitted, staring down at me. "But it's your name, and it's you, and I love you. I don't regret it, and I think it's just.. fair."

I pressed my lips together and swallowed hard, tilting my head. "What a guy wouldn't say to get his cock sucked."

"I mean it, Olivia."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and my gaze moved back to the tattoo on his skin. It was not even swollen anymore but even if it was small, I couldn't pretend it didn't make me feel special.

"Seriously, Nee, I can't see my name written near your cock every single time I give you a blowjob!" I chuckled, half-joking.

"Well, get used to it!"

I laughed a bit louder before realizing he was still just as hard despite the whole discussion we just had and quickly, I brought my mouth closer, running my tongue on his length gently and reaching the base before moving it down to his balls. I heard him groan as I sucked on one and when I moved back to the tip of his cock, I looked up only to see his head had fallen back slightly. He was holding himself with both hands on the counter and I just wrapped my lips on his tip to suck on it. His fingers gripped the counter harder and I grabbed his dick in my hand, pushing his skin and running my tongue between it and his tip. One of his legs tensed and he let out a few curse words in a whisper.

"Don't stop petal." he murmured as I kept doing that for a minute or two before taking him completely in my mouth. "Fuck, I want to cum in your mouth so bad."

He pushed his hips in motion with my head movements and just hearing him groan was making me horny. I kept thinking about the last time we fucked in his kitchen and it made me moan low as I was still sucking him hard. I finally moved away to bring my lips back around one of his balls as I kept stroking his cock harder and when he whispered 'I'm gonna cum', I moved back and stuck my tongue out. He looked down at me and I stared back, making sure the tip of his cock was brushing on my tongue as I jerked him off. It only took a few seconds and when a grunt escaped his lips, my heart jumped in my chest. He came on my tongue and lips, some of his cum also ending on one of my cheeks, and it made me realize how much I had missed pleasuring him.

"Jesus Christ." he whispered, his eyes shut tight. I took him in my mouth again, sucking him gently and slowly as I saw his grip loosen on the counter and his eyes open again. His lips curled into a smirk and he licked his lips. "Oh you look so good like that."

He bent down slightly and gathered the cum on my cheek before bringing it to my lips. I sucked on his finger as he stared at me and when he moved his upper body up again, I got closer and my eyes fell on his tattoo again. Slowly, I brushed my thumb on it and without thinking, I pressed my lips on his skin before getting up. He sent me a fond smile and chuckled as he moved his pants up.

"Did you just kiss my tattoo?"

"I did." I whispered, pressing my lips together.

He bent down and kissed me gently, cupping my face and slipping his tongue in my mouth. It always made me smile how he didn't care that I had his cum in my mouth just a few seconds before, and that he would kiss me anyway without even a second of hesitation.

"I haven't had a blowjob like that in..." he stopped himself and raised his eyebrows before chuckling low. "In over a year."

"Was it worth the wait?" I asked with an amused smile as he grimaced.

"Yes, but please don't make me wait an other year for the next one, okay?"

I laughed and shook my head as he moved his hands around my waist.

"You can always ask." I pointed out with a shrug. "Or, you can grab me by the hair and force me down on your cock."

The way he looked at me with lust made my heart skip a beat and he turned us around so I was leaned against the counter. He didn't say anything, he just slipped his hand in my pants and reached between my legs. He took one and held it up on his hip as I felt his fingers slip inside me.

"That made you so wet, fuck i love that." he admitted low, making my eyes flutter. "I love how much it turns you on to please me."

He started finger fucking me quickly, curling his fingers inside me and I used all my strength to keep my eyes open We looked at each other as he rubbed two of his fingertips on my clit and I held my breath as my lips parted.

"You're gonna cum, yea? I can hear how wet you are." he whispered, bringing his lips closer and brushing them against mine. "Cum darling, cum for me."

I felt an orgasm reach me and my whole body tensed as he moved closer to me, pressing his body on mine, one of his hands still holding my leg and the fingers of the other rubbing my clit as I shook against him. He moved his face in my neck and dug his teeth in my skin, making me quiver even more against him. He kept flicking his fingers on my clit slowly and gently as I came down from my high and brought his lips on mine to kiss me again.

"Next time I'm gonna spend an hour between your legs." he whispered. "I promise."

I smiled and tilted my chin. "You better."

We kept hugging and kissing for a while and I thought about the two mugs waiting for us on the counter before groaning. He moved away and frowned as I raised my nose.

"Now coffee's cold and I have bad news for you."

He frowned too and I bent down to grab my shirt and put it back on. I turned to the coffee pot and decided make fresh coffee before emptying our mugs in the sink. When I turned around, Niall was leaning against the counter, his arms crossed over his chest and staring at me.

"I have to go back home and pack." I started, making his lips part. "I have a flight for Italy tonight and nothing's ready. I'll be gone for a few days."

"Italy?"

"Yea we're supposed to cast an Italian girl for season 3 and they asked me to go. We have an interview there too and... well, I'm also going to see Dylan."

His face changed and I held my breath, feeling my heart beating hard against my rib cage as I waited for him to say something, anything, that would tell me how he felt. I could read in his face that he was not pleased but I didn't know if it was anger and pain.

"You know what I realized when Heidi sent me that picture of you in a wedding dress?" he asked, making me frown. "I mean, not at first, I was too shocked by how stunning you looked but after an hour or so, it really hit me. It's not you? The big dress, the flowers, the music and thousands of guests with a big wedding cake and your vows in front of everyone?" he paused as I stared at him. "What happened to eloping to Vegas and getting married by Elvis?"

I licked my lips and sighed, tilting my head on the side.

"It was important for Dylan, to do the big thing in front of both our families, and I wanted to make him happy." I explained with a shrug. "I still don't like big weddings."

"So you're going to spend a few days with him?" he just asked after a while.

I didn't want to tell Niall that I was going there mostly to break up with him because I didn't want him to think I did it for him, and I didn't want him to expect anything after that. I was not ready to be with someone else, not even Niall, but it was something I needed to do. I was doing that for me, because I didn't feel ready, because it was not what I wanted anymore. Of course, Niall was part of the equation, but it made me realize that I was not only scared to jump that step, but also that I didn't want to. I loved Dylan, I really did, but things were different, and I was different too. I was a different person than the one I was when I started dating him. I was even a different person than the one I was when he asked me to marry him. I was not even sure why he even wanted to marry me anyway.

"Probably, but I'll mostly be busy with auditions, and he'll be busy with filming his new movie."

I wanted to add a 'don't worry' but I didn't dare. Niall took a few steps to move closer to me and I moved my chin up to hold his gaze.

"We'll text and call each other while I'll be gone?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"I'd love to." he confessed, bending down to kiss my lips. "I'm gonna miss you."

                                ---

The flight was horrible and it was probably the worst 13 hours I had to go through in a long time. I grabbed my luggage after waiting for way too long and just as I was about to leave, I got a notification. I almost decided to ignore it but I stopped near a wall, dropping my bags and checking my phone. I smiled when I saw Niall had sent me a video and when I saw him sitting behind his piano, my heart melted. I hit 'play' and bit my bottom lip, leaning against the wall as I turned the volume up.

"Liv, I know you've only been gone for a few hours but I already miss you. So I thought I'd send you this. I hope you remember."

I heard the first few piano notes and I knew what it was. My lips parted and I knew I was going to cry.

“Looking back through changes Where we started from Don’t know about you but I knew it wasn’t wrong You know I kept a place For you in my mind And I know you did the same 'Cause you’re just that kind.

So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We’ve known since we were young So why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I’m home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?”

I felt tears run down my cheeks as his voice and the melody brought me back to a bar over 2 years ago, when Niall had told me he loved me through this song. I brought my hand to my mouth and remained motionless as I listened to it.

“Moving on You and I started looking back Now we’ve got to make up For all the wasted time You know I’d never let you just walk on by From the day that I met you I knew you’d be mine, yeah.

So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We’ve known since we were young Why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I’m home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?”

When the bridge started, I let out a short sob but quickly bit my bottom lip. I couldn't start crying here, in public, right? I couldn't just break into tears here because of one song.

“Just started, it’s just started I’m having trouble believing it’s true Just started, just started Now we got nothing to prove."

The chorus played again but it's only when he stopped and turned to the camera on his phone again that my heart completely melted. I let myself slide on the wall until my butt hit the floor.

"I really just wanted you to remember that. To remember that this is the first song I wrote about how much I love you, but it's not the only one, and I won't ever stop writing songs about my love for you."

He paused and looked down before looking up again.

"I love you. Come back to me."

He moved closer to his phone to stop recording but I just stayed there, looking at the static thumbnail of his video, my vision blurry and my heart swollen. I loved him so much I just wanted to turn around and take an other plane to him.

"Are you okay?"

Quickly, I looked up at the voice and blinked a few times only to nod at the security guard that was frowning at me. I must have looked totally desperate because I was pretty sure it was not the first time he saw someone cry at the airport.

"Do you need me to call you a cab or something?"

I sniffed and wiped my tears before quickly getting up. I knew I looked like a mess. That reflected very well how I felt.

"Uhm, no, thank you. There's supposed to be a car waiting for me."

It took me half an hour to reach my hotel and I unpacked a few things. I had brought the stupid pink bear Niall had won for me and put it on the large bed along with one of my pillows before taking my phone to text Dylan. I could feel my heart thump so hard in my chest I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.

"I'm here, we really need to talk."

---

"You can't be serious."

I blinked a few times, staring at Dylan, as he reached for my hands on my lap and I let him take them and squeeze my fingers. I had decided to go see him at his apartment and I couldn't pretend the sight as I was on the road didn't shock me. The sight from his apartment was even prettier and I took a mental note to visit this country again. Perhaps, with Niall?

"I'm.. so sorry." I replied with a frown, looking down at his hands holding mine.

I suddenly felt insecure about my decision. After all, Dylan and I were happy, right? We had been happy since day one. He was a sweetheart, a gentleman and he was funny, and sensitive. He was laid-back, soft, and he was always there for me. He was the first and only person to break my walls after Niall broke my heart and also, and I hated to say it, he has been extremely important in my therapy process. How could I leave someone who literally put me back together and be in love with someone who completely tore me apart?

"Okay, you don't want to get married anymore, I understand." he pointed out, shaking his head slightly. "It was too soon, maybe, I get it. But we don't have to break up.."

I pressed my lips together and looked up at him, trying not to cry.

"We do, we have to." I let out low so my voice wouldn't break. "I'm not into this fully anymore and I don't think you are either."

"I'm just... busy here. I promise I love you just as much as I did, even more. And I miss you all the time, Olivia." he added, moving closer as I finally let tears fall on my cheeks. "Please don't cry babylove."

I closed my eyes at the nickname he always gave me and swallowed to keep the sobs in without much success. I never thought it would be so tough to actually break-up with him but it was. We had history together, and this relationship with him had been more important than any romantic relationship I ever had before, except the one with Niall's.

"I'm gonna ask for a few days off." he continued. "We can spend time here together and just... love each other again. I'm gonna do anything I can to remind you how happy we are together, I swear."

I looked up in his eyes and took my hands to bring them to his face. I shook my head and breathed in before licking my lips.

"You deserve so much better, Dyl." I admitted low even if saying those words hurt like hell. "You deserve so much better than a girl who can't be 100% with you."

His eyes roamed quickly on me and I saw him tear up.

"It's because of him, isn’t it? You're breaking up with me to be with Niall."

"No!" I closed my eyes, trying to keep my voice down. "That's not why I'm breaking up with you, Dylan I just... I can't do this anymore. I don't have a good reason for this. And I know that no matter what happens, I will be the bad guy in your story, and I think it's true. Maybe I'm the mistake you'll always regret, and maybe I'm the toxic girl you'll have fallen for. I'm so sorry to have that role in your life. That's not the part I expected to play, I promise."

"This is not a movie, Olivia." he let out a bit louder. "These are my feelings, they're real! This is my life, our life. Please, don't ruin this."

I felt my heart jump so high in my chest I was going to puke. Didn't I ask Niall the exact same thing when he broke up with me over a year ago? I brought my hands to wipe my own tears and sniffed before swallowing hard. I had to leave. I had to stop this torture, for both of us. I finally got up and he didn't stop me.

"I love you, you know." he just added as I was grabbing my purse. "Don't you love me anymore?"

"I do." I just said, turning to look at him. "That's not the problem, Dyl. And It's no one's fault."

I waited in front of the door and sight.

"Don't worry, I'll find the best Italian girl for the show. You concentrate on your movie, okay?"

"I don't give a fuck about this show anymore. Or that movie, for that matter."

I felt something twist in my chest and breathed in before sighing.

"Yea, me either."

[whaleyoufeedmenuggets]

Im too lazy to look at the questions so DO ALL OF THEM. (if you dont wanna then go on a random number generator and get 5 random numbers)

ITS REALLY LONG BUT I DID IT KJSHADJS HERE GOES i love oversharing my lifealso im putting a read more line bc its hella long

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

ehhh depends on my mood. i’d say it’s (dark) chocolate most of the time (love that 70% dark chocolate mmMmMm)

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!! except when it gets all over my face and hair o no

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

common report book comments included

- very active

- bright

- “the live wire of the class”

- usually distracted but still does well

- mischievous

- playful

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

bottles so that i can close it and save the rest for later and not have to chug it yeet

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

sportswear #sweatpantsalldayeveryday

7. earbuds or headphones?

def headphones but they’re inconvenient sometimes :/

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows!! (also, my adhd ass can’t get through a movie without zoning out oops)

9. favorite smell in the summer?

i haven’t experienced /real/ summer (thank u singapore’s tropical climate) but i rly like the smell of rain :”)

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

making up excuses to skip pe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

belvitas before morning practice

croissant sandwich and chocolate milk after practice

if there’s no practice, then scrambled eggs from the dining hall lolol

if i’m too lazy to go to the dining hall, then cereal

12. name of your favorite playlist?

it’s literally called jams and the description is “a clusterfuck of stuff i’ve jammed to at some point”

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

gummy bears/sour patch kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

death of a salesman - arthur miller

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

with one foot up on the chair and the other leg sitting normally

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

a pair of asics sneakers

18. ideal weather?

15ºc/60ºf when its like cool but not too cold but also not ridiculously hot and also when theres no insane wind (a light breeze is fine)

19. sleeping position?

on my left side and hugging a pillow/bolster/soft toy

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i like the feeling of pen and paper but im disorganized as hell so an apple pencil + ipad makes a good enough substitute

21. obsession from childhood?

frogs (i’ve loved them since i was 3 hehe)

22. role model?

a dude i used to train with for a while in 2014. he retired last year but he’s always looked out for me like an older brother since we trained together (he’s 8 years older than me lmao) and even thought i’m so far away rn he still checks in on me and stuff and idk he’s probably one of the swimmers i respect the most.

23. strange habits?

i cant fall asleep at night if im not hugging something.  like. it could be a pillow. or a soft toy. literally anything. once on a school trip i hugged a pair of sweatpants to sleep bc i legit cant fall asleep if im not hugging something.i have no problem falling asleep in class/on buses/cars/planes though.

24. favorite crystal?

idk i never really paid enough attention to crystals to actually have a favorite and know their names. they’re all rly pretty tho.

25. first song you remember hearing?

uhh h h i honestly can’t remember. probably some classical music bc i played the violin and that was my first experience of music that i was actually aware of????

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

switch on the aircon and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch. and swimming outdoors i guess.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

switch on the heater and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch.

do u see a pattern here

28. five songs to describe you?

jet lag - simple plan (bc time zones suck and i miss my fam & friends)

avalanche - bring me the horizon (pretty much sums up how tf my brain feels)

high hopes - p!atd

astronaut - simple plan

the reckless and the brave - all time low

29. best way to bond with you?

doing dumb shit with me

also Quality Time™️ like idk even if we’re chilling and doing our own shit i like just spending time with people im comfortable enough with

30. places that you find sacred?

idk

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

a hoodie and sweatpants

for no reason other than that’s what i wear 90% of the time

32. top five favorite vines?

I AM CONFUSION!!! AMERICA EXPLAIN

this bitch empty. yeet.

im in my mom’s car VROOM VROOM

the one of that dad playing the saxophone (???) and the kid slamming the oven door open and shut

road works ahead “haha yea sure hope it does!”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either lmao or lolol or LMFAO or yeet

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

gOD i had spotify ads stuck in my head all the time before i switched to premium and now i cant remember any of them (thank god)

35. average time you fall asleep?

i’d say 12:30-1ish

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

the tROLL FACE MEME LIKE those rage faces idk what they’re called but BASICALLY THOSE 2010-2012 era memes

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!!! i like sitting on them and yeeting myself around on them or getting people to push me around and then falling off

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

ngl i havent had either of them before

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

so in jc2 (aka 12th grade), for some reason PEOPLE WERE PUTTING PRE-PACKAGED HARD BOILED EGGS ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. like they were still in their wrappers and all but u could open ur schoolbag and find like 5 eggs in there. and no one knew where they came from. i think at one point there were even eggs hanging from the pull-up bars. all i know is that they were everywhere and people in my batch still remember it as the egg invasion of acjc.

41. last person you texted?

my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

def jacket!!! especially when they have zips hehe

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

idk man depends on my mood

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi bc im a fricken nerd

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

shirt and sweats

47. favorite type of cheese?

cheddarrr also i like mozzerrella sticks

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

a fineapple B)

lmao jk ummmm maybe a watermelon bc when u hit it it sounds hollow, just like how my skull would sound if someone hit it (h a)

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

here for a good time not for a long time

never give up without a fight

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

idk probably some dumb meme. i laugh at a lot of stuff like i laugh anything even mildly funny. some that i can think of off the top of my head are:

- i was tryna type ducky but typed fucky instead and sOmEOnE (could be the person who submitted this ask, idk tho) changed my facebook messenger nickname to fucky and the notification was like ”poopy butthole changed your nickname to fucky” and i think that’s still the funniest sentence i’ve read in my whole life

- one time we went to mcdonalds and a friend said mcfluffy instead of mcflurry and idk why but i laughed so hard at that

- once @doduo and i spent half a chinese lesson cutting out random faces from the chinese newspaper and sticking them randomly all over the classroom and idk. it was the funniest thing ever. until the teacher came over and confiscated my scissors rip.

51. current stresses?

- an essay draft (that i am procrastinating rn by doing this, oops)

- CANADIAN TRIALS (but thats a good kind of stress)

- submitting a proposal for a group project but none of my groupmates are freaking replying my texts ugh

52. favorite font?

avenir next!! i find san serif fonts way easier to read than serif lolol.i like helvetica neue too.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

dry af but also i just got my nails done so they pretty rn hehe

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i…havent had a real job yet

55. favorite fairy tale?

idk i was never rly one for fairy tales even as a kid.

56. favorite tradition?

chinese new year when we get CASH and we spend 3 days just eating junk yEET im rly sad im gonna be missing it the next few years tho

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hh h h hh hhh hh hh they’re pretty personal i don’t /really/ wanna put it out here but i can text you the answer to this if you want (i’m perfectly fine with that!!)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

- i think i’m pretty intuitive!!! i can guess anyone’s mbti if i’ve spent enough time with them/gotten a detailed enough description of them /winks/ and i can read people pretty well in general and i can draw links to themes/symbols in lit pretty well….???

- i’m somewhat decent at lettering…i think

- i’m good at pull-ups and also vertical jumps i’m secretly a froge

- i’m decent at photography…i guess….

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

yeet

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

pokemon !!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

/sweats/ i’m not very good at remembering lines from books/movies/shows WELP

62. seven characters you relate to?

JAKE PERALTA - b99

rosa diaz - b99

linguine - ratatouille (he’s permanently confused and he let a ratto take over his job bc he had no idea what he was doing like damn what a big mood)

dory - finding nemo/finding dory (i relate to the forgetfulness)

percy jackson

kale bae /winks/

mitt (during bad phases) /winks again, but sadly/

63. five songs that would play in your club?

idek man i wouldnt even be at my own club i’d be at home taking a nap i’ll just ask someone else to handle my playlist

64. favorite website from your childhood?

club penguin !!!

65. any permanent scars?

yE one of them was from jumping onto a treadmill going at 13km/h 2 years ago bc i thought i was a good idea

66. favorite flower(s)?

i dont have any

67. good luck charms?

i eat pancakes for breakfast on meet days!!!! altho i think this is more of a habit than a good luck charm tbh lmao.

also i guess pip???? he’s my emotional support narwhal :’)

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

durian. i cant stand the stuff or anything flavored like it ugh.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

red food coloring is derived from beetles

70. left or right handed?

right

71. least favorite pattern?

overly-floral patterns i guessssss. also i hate wearing stripes.

72. worst subject?

chinese

besides that, math and physics

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i rly like vanilla ice cream and fries

also i would eat ketchup with nearly anything

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

i usually just suck it up and go to sleep when it comes to pain but i guess an 8??? idk. i usually take advil/ibuprofen only for fevers

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i got my first loose tooth on january 11 2005 and it fell out on january 18 2005 & it was a tuesday (pls don’t ask me how i remember this bc i dont know)

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

tater tots

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

cactus i guess. idk im not good at plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

grocery store sushi (it was pretty decent in singapore so yeeeee lmao also i ate a lot of that as a kid)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

its the same photo for both so yeAh

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

idk i always called them fireflies

82. pc or console?

console I LOVE THE FEEL OF BUTTONS

83. writing or drawing?

drawing (more like doodlign for me bc i cant draw for shit)

84. podcasts or talk radio?

neither but if i rlllllly had to choose then podcasts i guessss s sss

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither LMAO i gave all my barbies haircuts when i was a kid bc i didnt know what to do with them

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology for sure!! i love greek mythology (may or may not be bc of percy jackson lolol)

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

87. your greatest fear?

losing those i love and care about (could be drifting or actual death it goes both ways)

88. your greatest wish?

rn, for my essay to write itself

for the short-term, to make the olympics (and WUGs…and worlds…and sea games…and asian games…and commonwealth games lmao)

for the long-term, uhhh idk. i just wanna live a life i’m satisfied with and to have a job i actually like and to be able to support my parents

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my mom

90. luckiest mistake?

i always say that i regret doing a year of college in singapore instead of coming here for freshman year but if i’d come in a year earlier like i was supposed to, i proba wouldn’t have made it past swim team tryouts and i made some pretty great friends in my first year of college soooo it all worked out i guessi cant think of any others rn

91. boxes or bags?

bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights are rly pretty!!but i like natural light :”)

93. nicknames?

deb

debs

debo

debbo

alpha childuhh h h i think thats about it??? i cant remember any others

94. favorite season?

spring’s pretty great rni like fall too (before it gets cOLd)

95. favorite app on your phone?

insta/tumblr/telegram

96. desktop background?

a photo of me looking rly cool at the starting blocks before a race B)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4 - mine (singapore & US), my mom’s and my dad’s

98. favorite historical era?

uhh h h idk the ice age seemed pretty cool haha sike it was actually coldmedieval times seemed pretty cool too like damn i want a suit of armorWHEW I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS but i had fun so yeet

also if you read all the way down here ily and you’re cool

[lesbianbruabba]

Answer all the qs! Unless theres any you don’t want to do

Mobile so these are ugly sowwy

1:Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

Well I just spent my night watching exurb1a that p much explains it

2:Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Sometimes?

3:If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

I’m pro legalization but if it’s an addiction obviously I’d try and prevent further damage. If it’s well controlled i don’t mind.

4:Do you find it easy to trust others?

I trust too easily so yeah

5:What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Watching exurb1a, or wanking, or looking at takeouts on Deliveroo

6:You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably my brother or one of my best friends

7:What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Cry

8:Are you close with your dad?

Fairly close imo. But we have a lot of opposing views and I have to try and overlook those.

9:I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

No?

10:What are you listening to?

Magic by Coldplay @samrull can suck my dick

11:You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Cum fanta lemon

12:Do you like hickeys?

YES unless they’re on my boobs then NO bc I used to have like massive ones and I couldn’t sleep on my back

13:What time do you go to bed?

Hahahhahahahaaha you must be new here

14:Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

My mother

15:Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Yea

16:Do you always answer your texts?

Most of the time unless I’m tired

17:Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

No

18:When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Like a few minutes ago with Iza bc I pester her a lot

19:Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

My little brother and all my best friends

20:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I went to bed yesterday morning but my last thought was ‘I love Tom Holland’

21:Is anyone else in the room with you?

No. I don’t think so

22:Do you believe what goes around comes around?

No

23:Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Yes. On the 30th December I was probably hanging out with my brother.

24:Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

A few. Some are beyond repair, others are just lost chances.

25:In the past week, have you cried?

Lmao. Yeah. A lot.

26:What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

White with pink and blue argyle patterns

27:Do people ever call you by your last name?

No. I would hate that

28:Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Probably? Idk

29:Do you have a best friend?

I have 7 bitch

30:Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

No

31:Who was your last call/text message from?

Iza

32:Are you mad at anyone?

Yeah. Pro lifers.

33:Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

34:How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

23? Idk I don’t remember

35:How many more days until your birthday?

Like 3 months minus a bit.

36:Do you have any summer plans yet?

Yeah! I’m going to Poland with my mum. Then I’m going home and going to suffer in the HK heat.

37:Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Yes. Two, one is my brother.

38:Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

No. I’m an open book lol

39:Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

I don’t think so??

40:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No

41:Do you think age matters in relationships?

Depends on the age gap and the ages of the parties involved

42:Are you available?

Yes

43:How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

1 or 2

44:If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Nose ring but not septum. On the side of my nose

45:Do you believe exes can be friends?

Yes if they put effort into it

46:Do you regret anything?

A lot.

47:Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

Turbulent is such a good song also I want thanos to raw me

48:Did you ever lose a best friend?

I’ve ghosted a best friend if that counts bc she’s toxic as fuck

49:Was your last kiss a mistake?

No

50:Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Bc they don’t like me back lmao and also ‘pursuing’ sounds kind of predatory??

51:Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

No

52:Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Not really

53:What was the last thing you ate?

A weird cake that was sweet but I couldn’t pinpoint the flavor

54:Did you get any compliments today?

Yes

55:Where are you going on your next vacation?

June to Poland

56:Do you own anything from other countries?

Yeah I have dolls from Belgium and Poland and Japan and also some trinkets from other places

57:Are most of your friend guys or girls?

The majority are girls

58:Where have you lived most of your life?

Tseung kwan o

59:When was the last time you took a long drive?

I don’t drive :D

60:Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

No

61:Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

No! I’m a good girl uwu

62:Who do you text the most?

Probably Iza

63:What was the last movie you saw?

Endgame but it’s a bad stream of it

64:What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

Don’t have one

65:How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

66:Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

No. You asked this question earlier

67:Do you curse around your parents?

Hell nah they’d ground me even though I’m nineteen

68:Are you happy with where you live?

Not really but it’s okay

69:Picture of yourself?

70:Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Personally I’m monogamous

71:Have you ever been dumped?

No

72:What do you most like about making out?

It’s hot

73:Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Yes

74:When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Both?

75:What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

Face

76:Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

Iza or my brother’s gf

77:Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

No

78:Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

No

79:What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Dogs

80:Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

NOPE

81:Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

No lol have you seen what I look like

82:Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Depends on who the crush is and who I tell. Usually I tell my brother and maaaaaybe some of my more sensible friends

83:Do you miss your last sweetie?

???????????

84:Last time you slow danced with someone?

Uhh never. I wish I did though that sounds cool

85:Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

Nope

86:How can I win your heart?

Make me a playlist and be honest with me. Also be funny

87:What is your astrological sign?

Leo but I’m more of a cancer

88:What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating my takeout and watching exurb1a

89:Do you cook?

I make a good risotto and also potato dauphinois. But otherwise no

90:Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Don’t got one

91:If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

Hells yeah @wlw hit me up

92:Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

The latter

93:What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

A nice face. I like older blondes when it comes to women and less muscley men. Generally for everyone, the more feminine the better.

94:Name four things that you wish you had!

Bigger eyes, a boney figure, fluency in all languages, more brain cells

95:Are you a player?

I play the ukulele

96:Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

No

97:Are you a tease?

I plead the fifth

98:Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Yeah a few and they were all v sweet gals

99:Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

I don’t know

100:Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

Yeah

101:Hugs or Kisses?

Hugs!!!!

102:Are you too shy to ask someone out?

I don’t think so

103:The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes

104:Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Yes!! And I call everyone that except my brother he’s dickhead

105:If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

No!!

106:Do you flirt a lot?

Depends on who you are and how well you know me

107:Your last kiss?

Last year

108:Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

No

109:Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Lmao no

110:If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

One of the people I’m crushing on probably. Or Zach Grace

111:Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

No, that’s an interesting question though.

112:Does someone like you currently?

Probably not. Again, refer to picture of me

113:Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Yeah I always fuckin do

114:Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Serious relationships

115:Ever made out with just a friend?

Yes

116:Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Well I’ve only experienced the former so

Thanks for the questions sorry they’re ugly im also ugly but I’m sure u arent

[catmeme-moved]

all of the asks! >:3

god ok 

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

😏

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

i dont think i could date anyone who does any kind of drugs,, it makes me Very uncomfortable

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

its only 4 babey

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober...ive never been drunk

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

i guess?? it was in high school so i dnt think it rly counts since yknow, i was 16

7. What does your last received text say?

“jgdijgjfdivjdjdj me“

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

not enough times !!! i love kissing my gf

9. Where was your last kiss at?

in the parkinglot behind my dorm building

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i saw both my sisters when i was home for break a few weeks ago

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffey

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bed 

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

not rly? i think if relationships r hard then they arent rly meant to be

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

god i wouldnt have spent so much money

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

none at all ;3c

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

i guess rainy....overcast weather is my fav

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my mom ! probably lots of other people too shjkdh lee is a fairly common name i think

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

i hope so!!!

20. Does anyone like you?

god i sure hope my gf does

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nop

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

ya thats why i kissed them ghksdjs

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

no one that i know personally.. there r some like celebrities and other famous ppl i dont like

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes i want a tattoo from a specific artist in my hometown!!!

25. In the past week have you cried?

i mean probably i dont remember though

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

a pug...i saw him in a donut shop

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

i dry off as im stepping out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no bc jocks intimidate me

29. Do you think you’re old?

not really in the grand scheme of things.. im only 20 i still have decades ahead of me !

30. Do you like text messaging?

ya

31. What type of day are you having?

its been ok! i spent time w my roommates downtown

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

i hav my septum pierced but a nostril piercing would b nice

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold..

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

i dont rly think theres such a thing as “opposite sex” since sex is also on a spectrum like gender

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship ! flings r nice i guess but i prefer the stability and commitment of an actual relationship

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

i thnik im fairly simple..idk

37. What song are you listening to?

when he died by lemon demon

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yea of course39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

my best friemd emily40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

theyre hot and funny and very kind!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

idk maybe an hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

im hungry and not being held by my gf43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

its my mom so fairly well i think44. Does anyone disgust you?

men45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

no bc im already dating someone46. Are you in a good mood right now?

i feel...neutral47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my roommate !48. What color shirt are you wearing?

its blue pruple n green tie dye49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

ya my history professor told me i had to read books50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

no one is coming to mind51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

i dont hate anyone!

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

almost gave up on ever being able to pet the raccoons outside the dining hall but someday ill be able to earn their trust

53. Do you like rain?

yes!!! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

not rly ! as long as theyre safe about it ykwim55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

no i think ive told most of my crushes how i felt about them at the time 56. Do you like to cuddle?

god yes i love to hold and be held57. Are you shy?

its the social anxiety 58. Do you get along with girls?

i am a lesbian59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

we r dating !! 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my phone and my peper spray 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

id do it for 10 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

ive been in my current one for 7 and my longest lasted 8 ! 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

yes! 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

anything my gf does is cute65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my cat yawned when she tried to meow and made a weird squeak sound

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

18 (or maybe 19 now idk), 19, 20

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

i do them myself bc i hate spending money68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

ghgdh,....neither69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

i dont have a car yet 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

neither...i dont rly like eithr of those music genres71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

im samsung bitch until i die72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

its been months. maybe years. i dont like pizza73. Do you like diet soda?    

i dont rly like any soda anymore tbh74. What color are the walls in your room?

plain white...f    75. Are you 16 or older?    

bitche im 2076. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

nop i dont even know waht its about77. Do you have a job?    

yes i work in a library !  78. What are your initials?    

ylb79. Did you ever have braces?    

no :^/80. Are you from the south?    

nope im a pnw bitch

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

something about voting82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

ya shes my best friemd83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

my mom.. fuck my dad !84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?   

i vaguely remember attending a gymnastics class when i was like 5 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

uhh.. venom i think86. Do you smoke?    

no never !!!87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?   

flip flops. 88. Is your phone touch screen?    

god how old are these questions. who has a phone that isnt touch screen now89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

my hair is naturally curly !90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

no91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

a pool..... rivers and lakes r scary92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

not yet93. …Had sex in a car?    

no that seems. . difficult. theres not very much room94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

im in a luvly relationship95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

sleepin96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

new years i think??97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yea its pretty nice98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

no but ik i wanted one before i got into my current relationship skdgjhj99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no but i did drink half a beer thing once and went to sleep bc i got a stomach ache100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

i dont even use facebook101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

when i was in first grade id play “family” w my friend sometimes and she’d pretend to be the dad and i was the mom so we would spoon each other bc we thot thats what sex was and i thought she actually got me pregnant bc i was 7 and didnt know anything102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

the song blind slaps103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

no its winter and i also dont go outdoors104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

 i hate wearing shorts

[unbakehisbeans]

I’m reflecting on, like, my personal relationship with the demands of beauty as a woman and particularly as a woman of colour and how my relationship to that has changed over time. And I really don’t have any big conclusions to draw from this, it’s just kind of harrowing honestly.

Basically until adulthood I was really self conscious about my weight, the breadth of my shoulders, my body hair, the hair on my head, the size of my nose, the colour of my skin, the size and shape of my breasts, the size of my waist, the size of my butt, etc. And while I never really had the means to do much about most of those things, I’m remembering how much distress this caused me and how much time and energy I spent on addressing these perceived flaws.

Like I was shaving basically my whole body on the regular, trying to smooth and straighten my hair, abusing my skin for a while to get clear skin (idk why I ever did this? I’ve never really had much acne), dieting and starving myself and exercising all the time, wearing uncomfortable and super tight clothes to show off how skinny I was, wearing push-up bras constantly even though my body is just literally incapable of cleavage, tweezing oh my god the horrible tweezing of my upper lip and my cheeks and my eyebrows, and there’s probably more stuff I’m forgetting.

And this was all right around the same time that advertisers found it was profitable to convince women that you’re doing all of this “for you,” that it was about self care or being confident in yourself, and I’m really disturbed by this in retrospect. Like, I was never confident and it was never “for me” it was very definitely to appear as much like a conventionally pretty, skinny, hairless, white girl with an hourglass figure. Like my horror at being a hairy Arab girl, how troubled I was about the hair on my face and my body and eventually I was (and am now) fuzzy with lanugo which is horrifying for a whole host of reasons. And I was so ashamed of my curly, frizzy hair, and I could never even style it nicely because I was trying to make it as straight and smooth as possible instead of accepting that it’s curly and just styling the curls that are there…. And when I was even younger, middle school and before, I was really ashamed of my, frankly, very light brown skin. Like I thought I was dark and that that was unattractive, and I’m really saddened and horrified by that now! And even though I’ve always been very thin I was furious about my waist not being proportionally teeny tiny compared to my hips, and I hated my small butt and small boobs—as if it’s realistic to be this skinny and still have a fat ass and big tits?! And I remember thinking about how as soon as I got the chance I was gonna get rhinoplasty and a breast augmentation and expensive, constant hair treatments to straighten my hair, laser hair removal, etc.

And I felt like I had sort of moved past that in adulthood. I stopped wearing makeup, stopped shaving and plucking, stopped straightening and fighting with my hair, stopped dieting and doing crazy exercise, all that stuff, right? But now I’m realizing that I haven’t really moved past it. I’ve sort of achieved a necessary and relatively healthy neutrality with my body where I’m not actively ashamed of my appearance and I’m not putting such great and frantic effort into it either. BUT what I never stopped doing is hiding my body hair, I usually don’t wear crop tops, sleeveless shirts, anything that shows my legs unless I have shaved. And I still feel self conscious about wearing clothes that don’t show how skinny I am, I feel uncomfortable in loose, billowy clothes because how will people know that I’m skinny and therefore pretty, right? This is a bizarre way to think about clothing and my body! And more recently I’m increasingly terrified of aging, Im scared of turning 23, I wanna be 22 forever. And I’m spending all this time and money on anti-aging now, using retinol and constantly wearing sunscreen, massaging my face and trying not to frown so I don’t get wrinkles, trying to lie on my back when I sleep so I don’t get wrinkles, constantly worrying about whether my boobs are every bit as perky as they were when I first grew them 😂 And I find myself now considering getting Botox, considering getting laser resurfacing to help with my scarring and hyperpigmentation and potentially reducing wrinkles and fine lines, considering getting one of those weird expensive microcurrent devices!

I may have recovered from my eating disorder for the most part, but I’m still afraid of gaining “too much” weight. I feel like I look old at 22, I see the occasional grey hair on my head or I see the spots where I’m going to get wrinkles when I’m older and I’m terrified! At 22 I’m scared that I’m not as cute as I was at 18 or 20 and that I’m going to be less and less cute over time, and I’m ashamed and horrified by it!

It’s so absurd and so harrowing, like, I know that not only am I not alone in feeling this way but that many other women probably have this way worse than I do. And I’m horrified by how much people buy in to the marketing that this is “for you” that it’s not actually for men it’s not actually because you think that you’re ugly and worthless without it that this is actually about confidence and not about the abject body horror of the demands of femininity.

[swordmaid]

12 - 39 & 58 all random let's see what i got LOL

• 12. what qualities do you find attractive in a person?    

i find myself liking people who laugh at my jokes ?? idk man. if they’re attractive then they’re attractive. also people w/ really cute smiles, dimples and arms ? i lov staring at arms it’s so weird kgjfkgj 

• 13. do you have any pets? 

i do ! i have three dogs  – nami, corki and cream. they’re all fat babies

• 14. have you ever traveled outside of your home country?

 i have, i’m living outside of my home country right now lol. the only place i’ve been to that i haven’t lived in is america tbqh

• 15. what language(s) do you speak?

english & tagalog ! 

• 16. who was your first crush?

sdkfjdsf i don’t remember ?? i think some dude that liked me in middle school. but tbqh i probably just liked the attention LOL

• 17. do you wear glasses?

ya my eyes don’t function well

• 18. what is your favorite pastry?

i fucking love bread

• 19. do you prefer swimming in a pool or in the ocean?

in the pool ! i’m kind of terrified of the ocean bc the thought of crabs walking underneath my feet is not pleasant. however if i had to choose where i’d die i’d rather die in the ocean tbqh it’s beautiful 

• 20. bright, dark, or pastel colors?

bright ! 

• 21. what is your favorite social media app?

instagram bc i love validation 

• 22. what is your sexuality?

i’m still exploring tbqh. i didn’t really have the chance to explore my sexuality when i was younger ( than i am rn ) since i spent most of my teenage years depressed so relationships was something i never rlly bothered with. 

i used to think i was ace for a long time since i wasn’t interested in guys and the thought of being w/ one romantically and sexually is really uncomfortable. but then i realised i was looking at the wrong thing and nowadays, i identify as a wlw ! i’m still exploring who i am tbqh but i am comfortable with the idea of loving women.

• 23. do you have any siblings?

i do lmao i have three other siblings it explains why im like this

• 24. what is your favorite scent?

bread smells so good

• 25. where do you want to travel to?

i want to go to thailand or vietnam tbqh. any place that i haven’t been to is good tbqh lmao

• 26. what is your favorite film?

either coraline or corpse bride !

• 27. who do people say you look like? (celebrity/family member)

they say i look like my sister. i dont see it for me but ok

• 28. who is your best friend?

mary ! she’s been my best friend ever since we were like 10 ? i think. she’s a great person and she deserves the whole world :\

• 29. what is your dream job?

i really want to be a film director ! i really love story telling.

• 30. do you know how to drive?

no LOL i’m useless. i’m tryna learn though !

• 31. who is/was your favorite teacher?

my design teacher from high school ! she was great bc she got my humour also was strict enough that she actually taught me stuff

• 32. are you a feminist?

i would say that i am ? i mean tbqh why shouldn’t you be i don’t understand why people don’t want equality w/ everyone lol

• 33. what is your zodiac sign?

hi im a gemini and we’re all not that bad

• 34. do you enjoy reading?

i do ! i haven’t read anything recently lol

• 35. do you have any hidden talents?

i can bake ! i can make some rlly good cookies :\

• 36. have you ever dyed your hair?

i haave. my hair cant catch colour well tho it took like 3 bleaches for my hair to go at least dark grey.

• 37. what is your favorite thing in your bedroom?

prints by disasterina 

• 38. what is your biggest fear?

god i have a huge fear of frogs ? i used to live near a fishpond and every time it rained, toads and frogs would come out and litter the entire roads and i would be terrified of them.

• 39. can you whistle?

nope ! i’d try but i just end up spitting 

• 58. if you could time travel, what year would you go to and why?

ohh my god. early 1990s when internet was still relatively new. i’d dress up as a cryptid and hang around the night, maybe capture some people knock em out and leave them on the woods. wait for people to capture pictures and write conspiracy theories abt me then i’ll travel to the future and read all about it. peak time travel 

 some asks 🌿 / accepting.