#idk why my mind went to domestic bliss on this one

[jamesunderwater]

Uncertainty - A Wolfstar Microfic

@wolfstarmicrofic

The feeling of Remus's hand in his was still a shock to him. When they'd first started touching one another again, the unfamiliar calluses had been a difficult adjustment. The once-soft hands of the boy he knew had been replaced by the hands of a man, ones that told a story of a hard and lonely existence.

But it had been years since those first nervous touches. He knew the man that Remus was now, inside and out. What shocked him was the freedom with which they were able to live. In a world post-war, though sideways glances still came for the werewolf and ex-con lovers, they were by and large unbothered. And this meant holding hands. In public. With a realtor.

The apartment they were currently touring was gorgeous, he had to admit. It was their twelfth tour, after nearly all the rest had been a disaster. They’d decided to look at something a bit nicer this time, and Sirius could tell that Remus was already in love. The high ceilings and window seats were enough to sell him, but add in the ornate fireplaces, original stained-glass windows, and study with wall to wall built in shelves, and Sirius could see the logic leaving Remus's mind by the second. They couldn’t really afford this place. But he doubted that would matter much.

"Darling, imagine it!" Remus whispered to him, and Sirius blushed as he always did at the pet name. "There's the extra room for Harry whenever he comes round, and this living room is certainly large enough to host everyone, should we want to." His amber eyes were glittering in a way that drew a smile to Sirius's lips spontaneously.

"It's gorgeous, yeah," Sirius breathed, looking around. "But...I mean," he glanced at the realtor and steered Remus to a corner a little further away. "It's pretty far out of our price range, love. I mean--quite a bit."

He watched Remus's face fall, then switch quickly into calculating mode. Sirius's eyes moved across his partner's expression, wanting to trust whatever mental maneuvering was going on in Remus’s mind. But it was difficult to ignore the nervous twisting of his gut. The idea of stretching this far beyond their limit made him want to squirm; he felt a familiar anxiety creeping up his neck, and involuntarily jerked his head to the side, twitching as if casting off some sort of ghost. Ever since his time on the run as Snuffles, Sirius had struggled with a fear of going without. He’d experienced so many days with little to nothing to eat, months of sleeping in caves or forest clearings—a seemingly endless life of uncertainty. Now, whenever his subconscious thought that something might threaten to throw him back into that place of lack, he found himself overwhelmed with an anxious need to get things back under control.

The longer Remus deliberated, the harder it was for Sirius to keep himself from dragging the other man out of the building. “Remus?” He finally urged, an edge to his voice as he tried to pull the other man out of whatever mind hole he’d fallen into.

Remus’s eyes finally focused on him. He seemed to notice that Sirius’s posture and energy had changed, and two wrinkles appeared between his brow as he looked concernedly down at him. A moment passed between them, after which Remus’s eyes softened. “Ah,” was all he said, taking Sirius’s hand in his again. He laced their fingers, and Sirius felt a bit of the tension leave his body.  

Finally, Remus spoke, the dam of Sirius’s nervous energy breaking at the sound of his voice. “Alright, yes, it’s outside of what we discussed. But, Sirius, I really think we could do it. I mean,” he paused, tugging Sirius into the main bedroom. “Just think of it. The two of us, with a real home. Not a dingy flat or a cottage in disrepair,” He turned to Sirius, grasping his other hand and looking down at him with hopeful, happy eyes. “A real, lovely home, all our own.” The two men, though nearing forty, had known little housing security in their lives. This search had been supposed to be their chance to find something that truly belonged to them, where they could settle down together.

“Darling, I know it’s frightening. I know it isn’t what we discussed. But it isn’t impossible. And…we deserve this, Sirius,” he added, pausing. “You are deserving of good things.”  

Sirius took in a deep breath at these words. He recognized that his fear and certainty that this was not something they could manage was not purely based in truth. They wouldn’t have looked if it were truly impossible. And he did not see Remus lit up this way over many things. He might not have been able to fully accept that he deserved good things, but a firmness settled in place of the anxiety in his stomach: Remus most definitely deserved a home he adored.

Sirius met his partner’s sparkling, waiting eyes, and smiled softly up at him. “Well, I’ve been deserving of one good thing, at least,” he reached up, sliding a hand behind Remus’s neck, and pulled his lips down to meet his own. Breaking apart a moment later, he whispered, “I suppose one more good thing couldn’t hurt.”

[lightwormlol]

ACOFAS REVIEW -INC SPOILERS

4.5 stars.

Okay, so! This was the first book I was able to finish in 2021. I've kinda been in a reading slump, and struggling to get past the 30-50% of books. I think its because I took essentially 3 months off my normal (daily) reading schedule and have been prioritising other things (health, fitness, job applications etc) - I think it's a testament to how addicted I was to this that I finished and consumed this at the rate I did! I recently went back and added some things to my ACOWAR review. To briefly summarise, I feel that, at the time I read it, it kind of gave me what I needed, but it definitely isn't getting a re read - my love for feysand has definitely lessened over time, but honestly i'm not that mad at sarah for this, as I find that whenever I've passed the sexual tension part of relationships in books, I tend to get bored of the domestic bliss. Like, leave that shit for an epilogue and keep it at that? As someone generally averse to relationships, but there is definitely a grace period for how long I can actively be smitten with a couple... before it becomes sickly. Taking all this into account, I honestly was nervous for this book, its release date totally took me by surprise, and I read it on a whim. As a Nessian shipper (I mean we didn't really have a choice after acomaf but to delve into the world of fanfic to keep us going) - this book gave me most of what I wanted and needed from them! I think,(some) kudos to SJM, for not disappointing in their relationship. This was definitely a character > plot driven story. In terms of the plot, I wasn't really invested until around the 38% mark? I'm not sure if I was adjusting to the writing style (lots of dramatic. sentences. that. are. so. abrupt. Nesta Archeron. Death etc) - or if it was bc I hadn't read an SJM book since the novella, which I basically skimmed. I was obviously reading for Nessian, but I didn't really feel intrigued by the wider plot (death gods, the human queens? Given I had lost my previous obsession with the world/ have outgrown 'fandom' culture, that made me actively update my knowledge, I couldn't remember a lot!) I think its clear that SJM excels character driven stories, but I think her worldbuilding and execution is significantly better in the throne of glass franchise. Now, I did say this was a character driven story. This is mostly regarding Nesta, Cassian and Azriel. I loved pretty much any interaction they had! I love a good training montage. Ngl though, I think, unless you possess an ardent love for Nessian, you're not going to be particularly wowed by this, if you've read heir of fire, or even acomaf. I obviously am never going to be able to be objective, because I've loved nessian so much from 2017-now, but I loved the dynamic those two (and three - friendship wise between nes/cass/az). One of the highlights of ACOWAR for me was the snippets of Az, showing tenderness, and opening up to the newer members of the inner circle (and i'm excluding any hint of an Elriel ship because FUCK THAT LOL) For me, the tip with SJM books is: once you outgrow them/the particular mode of narrative style, is to not anticipate anything other than a character driven story, albeit one riddled with smut. I personally am a romance heavy reader, so I'm honestly deconditioned to it at this point, (like, when I see reviewers scandalised I'm like... wow, the amount of trash I have consumed in the last five years loool.) While I disagree with the fact SJM marketed this series as y/a (or maybe it wasn't her per se, but the key booksellers definitely did this for her) - I think its clear enough now she's descended into the adult/borderline erotica genre.(very mild imo). I personally like to adopt a policy of skimming sex scenes when I find the dialogue cringy (most the time it is lets be honest any talking is v second hand embarrassment). Cassian and Nesta were definitely better than Rhys and Feyre post chapter 55 though! I was so glad there weren't a million moments of Cass/Nesta betraying their arousal with their scents, in front of everyone (like feysand, the voyeuristic pda pricks they are). I found the slowburn ish nature of their relationship great, and I actually think if you're a virgo/emotionally stunted reader, you will be happy with their relationship dynamic. It contrasts with the daemati sexual snark of acomaf, but it felt right, and authentic. This book was a journey of personal growth, for Nesta. It is clear SJM loves books about strong women, and maybe thats what makes me love this book so much. I think, out of all the archeron sisters, I love Nesta the most. This is for my Rose Calloway fans, my misunderstood, somewhat cold/left out girls, who are less receptive to being vulnerable. If you're a slowburn fan, it's not Mariana Zapata levels of slowburn, imo it's the perfect combo. Addictive enough that I don't want to put it down, but not so fast moving that I couldn't believe it. I loved the sex without emotion relationship they had!! This is honestly never done in mainstream n/a fantasy, unless its a caricature of a 'slut' that normally rivals the main character, lmao. Even if their inner conflict was p transparent, this gave me everything I needed! I know this is vapid lol but I also love the physical dynamic between the two, they just look so good together, the amount of fanart I'm going to reacquaint myself with after this review!! I adored seeing Nesta grow, (even if towards the end I kind of resented her sudden acceptance into the inner circle, i get SJM loves her and just wanted a fluffy ending, but, as a Nesta like character, it's awkward and stilted on her end to adjust to the inner circle like this - i mean, hugging rhys, really??)

I think, if I had to compare this to any other SJM book, I would say Chaols book (though I obviously preferred this). That being said, I felt less attached to new characters in this book than I was in even Chaols book (and even then ngl I remember nothing?) Obviously I loved what it represented, as a trio of traumatised women. I just, didn't love this the way I loved other inner circle members! I get that they gave Nesta exactly what they needed, a family that doesn't hold the history of her sisters, who she doesn't have to worry about holding preconceived notions of disappointment. I loved this for her! Even then.. I just wasn't attached to either of them. I found their interactions cute - but boring. Towards the end, when their stories/pasts are revealed, I couldn't help but cringe slightly, I can't put my finger on why, but I just didn't buy it. Maybe it's the brit in me but I couldn't be moved by this slightly forced bonding moment.. which was so anticlimactic. My 'aww how cute' tolerance is defo deserved for characters whose tropes I love. Maybe they just didn't fit into this list. Maybe I'm just being a cow here?

Now, let's speak about the real star of the show.... A FUCKING MAGICAL HOUSE FRIEND??? YESSSSSSS. IF YOU ARE AN ILONA ANDREWS INNKEEPERS CHRONICLES FAN, U WILL LOVE! How was the animation of this somehow more touching than all of nesta's other friendships combined? Exactly what I ordered, thank you. This trope somehow touches more than any material bonding!! The cute witch x house dynamic (also maybe howls moving castle vibes?) I loved the trying to reach the target of 10,000 steps (a little Celaena HOF). I think this, heir of fire and acomaf are my favourite SJM books for this reason. Gripes: I definitely had some personal gripes with how other members of the inner circle treated Nesta (rhys i'm looking at you. Disappointed doesn't even cover it.) I inherently take offence to any elain scene, as i'm so over bland characters whose existence is reduced to wanting to fucking plant flowers?? like?? really? To go from moriel to that is such a downgrade, even if I fell out of love with Mor due to the way she snubbed Nesta (you're a 500 year old being and you can't see someone is clearly traumatised?). I adore Az so much, but if it aint polyamorous, I cannot see any pairing with Elain making me happy. (wouldn’t mind gwyn though) I think the whole mating bond that I do not want is a good dynamic, but I really hate that everyone has to be mates in this world. I don't think we were that surprised, but it would've been nice if the somehow, idk, developed a strong bond over time, without it being preordained? Like, even if they do not all actively stay with their mate, given how disproportionate mates are among the general population, what's the likelihood 6 members of the inner circle (including lucien) have mates?

My advice? Read this book if you love nessian and the acotar world in general, but don't expect the world building to be consistent with greater fantasy series'. This style of story is obviously what to expect. She writes what she likes, and if her fantasy is this - then who are we, as readers, to expect otherwise?

Final rating: 4.5 (no, i'm not objective, but objectivity does not exist if you are a real, human being, lol)

Original Characters: 5/5 (nessian/az/house wise) 1/5 (feysand - really over how they essentially take over the very end of the book - ugh, I wanted nesta's arc to be wholly separate from them) Writing style: 3.5 Cringe Scale: Low, with the exception of some dialogue. New Characters: 2 Plot: I went into it with a 2 and came out with a 4. Not in terms of complexity, but in terms of how addictive and enjoyable this reading experience was! (less)

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Reader is with Ash (idk they can come from a party or other members house) and she suddenly hugs Ash and starts crying (she kind of brokes dow due everything that happend recently) and Ash is all confuzed and concerned

Last Girl - A. Irwin

Hey darling! Thank you for the request! It isn’t exactly what you asked for but I hope you like it and I’m sorry if you don’t!

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

TW: REFERENCE TO PAST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS AND INTIMIDATION. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS CAN TRIGGER YOU BECAUSE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT

Getting to know Y/N was a challenge. An uphill battle that took longer than most would think.

On the outside, she was a bubbly woman. Always seen with a smile on her face and a bright eyed gaze that screamed joyful bliss.

On the inside, Y/N felt as if she were constantly living the life of a character in a horror movie. Specifically, the last girl.

Even now, as she stood next to Ashton at Calum’s house, enjoying a birthday party for the latter, she couldn’t shake the anxiety. Whenever she thought she was safe and free from what was haunting her, it reappeared. Sometimes in a new form, sometimes in the same form. Sometimes she had a break for a while until she was thrust into a sequel.

She had considered changing her name to Sidney Presscott just as her own macabre homage.

Ashton knew that if he could achieve only one more thing in his life, then it would be to allow Y/N to open up to somebody. Somebody she trusts.

Her life had been through ups and downs, Ashton knew that. It began when she was a teenager, through a cheating boyfriend.

Time and time again, relationship after relationship, she had her heart broken.

Betrayal, cheating, lying, and more recently, violence.

Her most recent ex, Matthew, was a kind man at first. He wooed her mother, earned respect from her father, worked his way into her heart and began to learn every soft spot that was left inside of the hardened muscle.

He knew where she was weak and he took advantage of it.

It started as emotional abuse, then financial abuse. She wasn’t allowed to have control of her own funds. She couldn’t pay for anything. Every purchase was made from his account.

He would call her names, degrade her. Remind her that he was all she had at that time. He plucked tunes from her heartstrings with the promise that if she left him, no other would love her again.

Then things became physical. It started as shoving and escalated to punching, kicking, choking.

Her fingers unconsciously grazed the fine scar that trailed through her left eyebrow.

Ashton smiled down at her, seeming to not notice the growing emotion in her features as he was getting more buzzed by the minute.

She didn’t mind. He was her boyfriend, not her therapist. If she wanted him to know how she was feeling then she would tell him. For now, she was perfectly fine with sorting this bout of emotion into the neat filing cabinet of traumatic memories and outbursts that she kept within her.

She could always handle herself. She had been doing it for so long that independence was a second nature to her.

Ashton, on the other hand, knew something was wrong with his girlfriend. He could almost read her expression like a book, after a year and a half of dating.

She had left her ex almost three years prior, yet she still held much of the trauma inside of her.

If Ashton rose his voice too high, she would flinch. If he wanted to pay for something, she would meekly accept and wear a fearful expression the entire time. She would apologize profusely for the simplest of mistakes.

It broke his heart to think of what she went through. He knew not the extent, but he knew enough to feel his heart ache for the woman he had grown to love, and complete contempt for the man that hurt her.

Y/N was handling herself well. She was doing her best to enjoy the party, and it was working. She downed a few drinks, danced a little with Crystal, and even joined in on laughter following some jokes told by Calum. Regularly, she would only laugh at what Ashton would say. He was the only one she really trusted.

The night was going more than well until her eyes met those of a single man.

He had a blonde woman by the waist, leading her into the large lounge room and Y/N felt her heart sunk as if full with thousands of lead bricks.

Instantly, her palms dampened. Her forehead began to ache with memories of the night she left him.

And then his eyes found her.

She didn’t know why he could have been invited to Calum’s party, or how even. She supposed maybe he just came along. The blonde woman seemed to widen her eyes when she landed then on Calum, and she quickly trailed after him.

It wasn’t rare for fans to sneak into parties just to get a glimpse of the men. But even as the woman walked away, Matthew still watched Y/N.

She seemed to shrink under his gaze, and Ashton caught sight of that. He didn’t know who the man directing such a dangerous glare towards his girlfriend was, but he made sure to tighten the arm that was around her and press a kiss to her forehead.

Y/N felt the care in the simple action and directed a shaky smile to her boyfriend.

Nevertheless, Matthew’s brown eyed glare focused on her.

He made attempts to work his way closer to her, yet she made an attempt to ignore his presence.

Crystal offered her a shot and she smiled with acceptance, downing the liquid and cringing as it burned.

The real trouble came when Ashton excused himself.

“I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a sec, okay?” He looked as if he were asking her for permission, watching as her expression changed for half a second before transitioning into a small smile and a nod.

He had barely been gone a minute when she felt the eyes on her back. Every time she turned around, Matthew was there. Her own personal horror movie villain, and she was in yet another sequel.

A hand graded her arm and she shuffled away. She ignored the questions from her friends as her feet moved on their own accord.

She was outside by the time she realised tears were streaming down her face. Her hands flew to her hair, tugging the roots firmly to bring her focus away from her mind and the man inside of the house.

Her vision was fuzzy, blurred by tears or the panic attack, she knew not. She made it to Ashton’s car before her knees gave out, and she crumpled against the side of the vehicle as sobs and fast paced breath rocked her figure.

Ashton was in the bathroom for two minutes. He counted, just to make sure he wasn’t away from Y/N for longer than he wanted to be. He knew something was going on with her, and while he was never the type to always need to be with his significant other, he wanted to make sure she was okay.

When he returned, the concerned gazes of his friends shone back at him, as if he were looking into a mirror.

“Ash, Y/N ran out.” Crystal walked towards him. It was hard to hear over the music, and some of his friends were too inebriated to realize Y/N had left. “I don’t know what happened. She just left and I couldn’t see where she went to follow her.”

Ashton furrowed his brows, placing his hand on his friend’s shoulder. He nodded a thanks, his mind going elsewhere to find his girlfriend.

He felt eyes on him, and he turned to see the same brown eyed gaze that was fixed on his girl.

In any other circumstances, he would have approached the man, but for the time being, he needed to find Y/N.

Y/N knew her jeans were stained from the damp grass, and she knew her face would be blotchy, but she couldn’t force the sobs to stop.

Her head was staring to ache from her grip on her hair, and her eyes were stinging from the running mascara.

She barely even recognized the feel of a large hand on her knee until her face was pulled up slightly and her eyes focused on a head of red hair.

The hazel eyes of the person stared down at her and she watched the lips move but she was deaf to the sound.

Slowly her fingers were loosened and the pressure on her scalp began to fade. Her eyes came to focus on the face in front of her and she choked on a sob as she gathered the energy to wrap herself around Ashton.

“Baby? What happened?” He rubbed her back, rocking slightly side to side as he sat himself down so she could crawl into his lap.

Her face was pressed against his neck, her back rising and falling faster than he had ever seen her take in breath.

“Home,” was the only thing she could will her voice to say.

Ashton did his best to stand, cradling her against him as confusion washed through him. He had no idea what set her off, but he definitely had a feeling it was connected to the man who couldn’t take his eyes off of her.

He had never seen her have a panic attack before, nor had he seen her cry. She was always so held together and strong, and it broke his heart to see her in such a way, and to not know the cause of it.

He set her in the passenger seat, detaching her limbs from around his neck only for her to wrap them around her knees. Thankfully, she was no longer gripping at her hair, but he hoped the attack would come to an end in the few minutes it would take to reach their house.

He made sure to keep his hand on her knee the whole way home, only taking it off to turn into their drive way and then to rush around and help her out of the car.

Her heavy breathing had stopped, along with the tears. Now she appeared dazed and shaken, unsure if herself and stumbling about on wobbling legs.

It was a few minutes before he attempted to bring up the topic, but when he did, she pushed a deep sigh from her lungs.

“I saw Matthew. My ex.” Realization set in with Ashton. The brown eyed man. “The one who...” she trailed off, fingers skimming the scar protruding through her brow.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know,” he whispered to her softly, moving towards her as slowly as he could.

She resembled a scared animal at the time, curled up, flinching at every sudden movement, doe eyed and quiet.

“S’fine, Ash. It’s not your problem to deal with, it’s mine. I shouldn’t have made you take me home-“

Ash interrupted her by resting his large hand underneath her trembling chin. She flinched at the sudden movement before relaxing until his touch. She allowed her eyes to trail up and meet his hazel ones.

“Love, your problems are my problems. I hate that I couldn’t be there to help you and I’m seriously trying to not go and beat the shit out of him.” A soft sigh left Y/N and she nodded softly. “No matter what, you have me. You have me until the day you no longer want me, because I want you forever.”

Tears pricked at her eyes. She hadn’t heard such kindness before. Her past relationships had all combusted from the inside out, and after Matthew, she was convinced she would be living through sequel after sequel with similar villains.

“If you need me, I am here. You have this mindset that you’re always going to face trouble, but love, the last girl always has a happy ending in the end,” Ashton told her in a hushed voice. “I love you, Y/N.”

She let a few tears fall, slowly untangling her arms from around her knees to take their place around Ashton’s torso. Her head rested against his chest and she allowed the sound of his even breathing and thumping heart to soothe her muscles and mind.

“I love you, Ash.”

Tag list: @mantlereid @theanswertoeverythingisl0v3

[magiwou-meowvin]

tagged by @kohakhearts like forever ago but I keep forgetting that I need to access tumblr Off mobile to copy stuff lolol

Rules: Copy/paste and bold your fic preferences and tag some more people!

Slow burn or love at first sight?

Fake dating or secretly dating? why would you make me pick?!

Enemies to lovers or friends to lovers

“Oh no there’s only one bed” or long distance correspondence?

Hurt/comfort or amnesia?

Fantasy au or modern au?

Mutual pining or domestic bliss? the other is super cute too okay

Smut or fluff?

Canon complement/missing scenes or fix it?

Alternate universe or future fic?

One shot or multi-chapter? 

Kid fic or road trip fic? THE BEST ONES HAVE BOTH NO YOU CANT CHANGE MY MIND

Reincarnation or characters death?

Arranged marriage or accidental marriage?

Neighbors or roommates?

High school romance or middle aged romance? I almost never read them but in my defense there’s a lot more hs au out there soooo

Time travel or isolated together?

Sci fi or magic au?

Body swap or genderbend?

Angst or crack?

Apocalyptic or Mundane?

I’m uh gonna skip tagging dfghjhgfdfg this went around so long ago idk who had it already but feel free to use it!

[ell-bent]

It’s Complicated

Back in the spring of 2016, my friend tried to kill himself.

All the details I received at the time were secondhand, things I didn’t really understand until they were retold and retold again later. He wasn’t my “friend” per say at the time, rather a friend of a friend with whom I shared some experiences. We’d known each other for a solid year and a half, but never really hung out; more just existed in the same spaces while other people were hanging out with each other, which usually involved smoking weed. Which was fine.

               Anyway, this kid was super fucked up. As the extreme, literally life threatening drama poured into my phone via a variety of messages, I felt for this kid I hardly knew but still cared about. Does he need help? I thought to myself. Is there anything I can even do?

               No, I assumed. Plus my mom was in town and staying at my apartment so I couldn’t just invite this relatively strange and definitely fairly fucked up person over to sleep on my couch.

               Essentially what happened over the next couple days was a domestic shit show involving the destruction of friendships, relationships, and a band. The details are sensitive in nature and to this day I’m not sure if I can accurately construct a complete narrative, so I’ll spare you.

               Basically no one was friends anymore, everyone was sad, and some people were in danger. Nothing ended well and everything was awful. Another reminder: I was a step removed from this situation, watching it like a doomed train I couldn’t avoid.

               Fast forward a month and a half or so. I make the snap decision (very snap, I am not great at making responsible, well thought out decisions, ) to run down to Baltimore to see the last show of my favorite band’s tour—a band I knew would Jon (the kid I’ve been talking about) would probably also like.  I sent him a text and asked him to come, and he actually said yes,  which came as a genuine surpirse. I was and still am used to solo adventures, and even though I love them companionship is also nice, especially at a concert.

               Much more to my surprise, he offered to let me stay at his place. He lived with his parents a little bit outside of Baltimore and had an extra bedroom or something, so apparently it wouldn’t be any trouble. It beats riding the 1:47am bus out of a random Baltimore bus stop and getting home to Jers’ around 6am. In return, I bought his ticket to the show.

               Mind you, at this point I’d never really hung out with Jon one-on-one before—just in a group setting, once on a double date, at some parties (both Dinner and Typical House.) So I was kind of nervous to meet his parents, who knew very little about me besides the fact I was Matt’s, his best friend at the time, girlfriend. And here I was, a strange girl about to stay at their house who bought him a concert ticket.

               Jon is not (or at least not at the time) much of a conversationalist. He’s just quiet until you get to know him.  We talked at the concert a little, about what he’s been up to since he’s been home, if/when he’s going back to Nashville. I can’t really remember the answers to any of these questions; we talked a little bit about medication and stuff. I don’t remember much of the show, just that it was really fuckin’ cool, as their shows always are.

               His mom picked us up after and we drove back to his house, which was farther away but the exact size that I expected. I put my stuff in the room provided to me that was filled with photographs of young Johnny and his sister, who seemed to be the Golden Child. There’s always a golden child. Usually the golden child is not the one with aggressive and expensive neurological issues such as ourselves.

               After throwing my stuff on the bed I walked downstairs and watched hockey with Mr. Jon’s Dad (sparing last name) while Jon grinded up some weed on the table right in front of him.

               I was thrown off but not surprised. I knew Jon’s parents were OK with him smoking but I had also always assumed that it was a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy; ignorance is bliss. But there he was, packing a bowl at the table, while his father sat in the recliner watching the Penguins highlights.

               Mr. Jon’s Dad was also a quiet guy—we made cheap conversation about the playoffs and whatever hockey information I could coherently rattle off. Eventually he went to bed, and jon and I sat alone and watched How it’s Made.

               You know those nights where you stay up until three in the morning and talk about both everything and nothing? And you don’t really know how or why you end up talking about these things but it happens ridiculously unexpectedly and it’s just really cool? This was one of those nights—one of the strangest and important of my life.

               Of course we talked about deep things and laughed and I gave him advice, but now I just don’t know if any of it was real. I thought the motivation and intent were pure—we both need friends and support and some sort of person who understood what the other was going through. I thought I helped him, and he helped me too.

               Over the next couple months I kept a virtual eye on him—still nervous he was going to hurt himself and unwilling to lose a friend. I called him to remind him to take his meds even though I was sure I was annoying him. There was one time I saw a suspicious tweet and called him at 12:30am.

               He helped me get through my break up, encouraged me to just be honest with Matt about my feelings, that it was best to just do it. I told Jon as soon as Matt and I backslid in February, asked him for advice. Because he knew Matt so well, he was a confidant on the inside, and gave insight when he felt like he could.

               Jon and I only ever hung out a few times one on one, and yet I considered him one of my closest friends, even though I was never positive he didn’t feel the same.

            But I slept with Jon a few months ago, which was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life.  It negated something that was an unnecessarily huge turning point in my existence.  

I went over to his apartment right before I left Nashville indefinitely and had already planned to stay the night. I picked up a 12 pack of Miller High Life and I drank most of it. We just sat and watched Rick and Morty and Bill Maher and some other shit I don’t care to remember, me tipsy (if not straight up drunk), and him stoned as could be. I’d spent the past week or so couch surfing, making my rounds of Nashville to say goodbye.

As we watched whatever it was we were watching, we slowly inched closer together, to the point where his arm was awkwardly around my shoulder while I rested my head on his. I kept thinking to myself how simply bad of an idea this was; he was a good friend, he was my ex’s best friend, this could negate everything. But Drunk Ellie was horny and lonely, and hadn’t felt emotionally close to anyone in a few months, and hated herself already; why not add a little more on top?

He asked if I wanted to just sleep in the bed; initially I said no, but of course changed my mind. “I guess I will,” I said. “God knows I’m not gonna be able to sleep in an actual bed for a while.”

So I crawled in next to him (wearing a bra, a tshirt and leggings), and didn’t get far before we started playing footsie, which then lead to other obvious things.

Afterwards, the first thing he said, something I’ll never forget, was “I’ve been thinking about that for a long time.” Reluctantly, I responded “Me too.” We talked some more, I asked him my post-sex question that I ask everyone, and eventually went to bed.

The next morning I left pretty early to head to whatever my next destination was. Here was a fairly accurate representation of the conversation we had, which surprisingly wasn’t that awkward.

Me: Thanks for the hangs.

Jon: Yeah dude, no problem.  It was good to see you.

Me: Let me know if you’re ever in NYC, It’d be really nice to see you.

Jon: Yeah totally. I think my friend Olivia and I might go up there over the summer sometime.

Me: That’d be sweet. See ya.

This exchange might objectively seem awkward, yet somehow it wasn’t. It was just us.

The next day or whatever,  I texted him asking what had been bothering me for the past 24 hours. I don’t want to go back and look at how I phrased the question because I don’t really want to see the answer in text form again.

“Soooo how long is a long time lol”

“Idk, since like freshman year? You?”

“Idk a while, but I was with Matt”

He hasn’t responded to me since.

Jon’s a year younger than me, and I had just graduated. We had both dated other people; seriously dated other people, within that time.  And yet it was in the back of his mind for two and a half years? I didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted. All I knew to be was confused.

So much had happened between Jon and Matt and I in the past year. Jon encouraged me in breaking up with Matt. He was there to talk me through the aftermath. When Jon and I hung out back in May, it was admittedly charged but morally forbidden to the both of us.

Was Jon’s support all a long-game effort to get in my pants? Was the friendship and support I offered him misconstrued as capital F Feelings? Had I not realized I had feelings for him? It crossed my mind, quiet selfishly, that maybe he at one point has feelings for me.

Regardless, I appear to have lost a good friend. And it makes me sad every day.

[kyohiba]

Xue Yang’s 420 Punishing Reincarnations AU. Final Modern Setting

but hmmmmmm I Wonder,

in that final one,

yeeting patriarch how did they all come to meet

in another one of his reincarnation he gets pimples every week

LMAO SORRY

mmMMMMM good question

we said they meet a-qing last

ssyifpfff🌙 do we wanna be cheesy lmao

8h 8 hours ago yes, since shes a lot younger than them

as long the Angst Lives On,

the beginning of their meeting needs some angst

yeeting patriarch either song lan or xue yang meeting xiao xingchen, the beginning of their relationships...

OH MAYBE XUE YANG NEEDS HELP FOR WHATEVER REASON N XXC FINDS HIM, LIKE MAYBE HE FALLS N HURTS HIMSELF N XXC PUTS A BAND AID ON OR SOME SHIT

ssyifpfff🌙 as an allusion to when they meet in yi city uwu

8h 8 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 so tht its familiar n xue yang gets the de javus

8h 8 hours ago OMG. PARALLELS

yeeting patriarch HELL YEA PLEASE

n then he can meet song lan while going to buy groceries idk

ssyifpfff🌙 maybe they fite for the last bag of avocados

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch what about xxc and song lan were childhood friends and had a fight and suddenly young song lan had to move out and never got to apologize to xxc but then years later he moved back and found xxc again

ssyifpfff🌙 as long as no one loses any eyes

8h 8 hours ago NO LOSING EYES

yeeting patriarch EVERYONE HAS THEIR EYES AND EYESIGHT

ssyifpfff🌙 NO HEAVY ANGST IN THIS HOUSE FOR THIS LIFETIME

8h 8 hours ago like. first xxc meets xue yang

who got hurt... uhh... how he couldve gotten hurt...

yeeting patriarch lmao he was skating and while doing a Sick Move TM he mf fell down and got wrecked

YES PLS LMAO

A SICK MOVE

ssyifpfff🌙 he got an arm cramp while dabbing

8h 8 hours ago innocent xxc was passing by at the time, saw everything and went to help xue yang. because his golden pure heart lives on

yeeting patriarch HE DABBED WHILE DOING THOSE SKATE FLIPS AND FELL DOWN ON HIS FACE

ssyifpfff🌙 HE BROKE HIS NECK HITTING THT WHOA

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch as xxc helped him, xue yang experiences the Doki

xxc takes him to his apartment to take care of his wounds

and after this incident, xue yang shows up a lot around xxc's place

yeeting patriarch (hes got a bit of a bad situation at home, hes always outside like a stray cat)

ssyifpfff🌙 hes like "should i take u to a hospital?" n xue yang i slike NO GO AWAY "then let me at least bandage u, my apartment is close by" xue yangs gay ass: oh worm?

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch YES

N THEY SLOWLY BECOME CASUAL FREIDNS THEN ..... SOMETHIN ELSE

ssyifpfff🌙 WE GOTTA GET THT DOMESTIC BLISS

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch BUT IT'S SLOW BURN

mayb xue yang is a runaway n is in need of a roomie

ssyifpfff🌙 YES SLOW BURN OBV

8h 8 hours ago remember: this time he gotta earn for xxc's affections

yes! xue yang its ur turn to cook

yeeting patriarch xxc is a bit wary of him for some reason although he helped and helps him out. his good heart cannot ignore it

ssyifpfff🌙 them going to buy groceries n xue yang being a Pro at bargaining for lower prices

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch ever so slowly, xiao xingchen at first really starts feeling he got himself to take care of a stray cat

like............ this happened in yi city tbh, xue yang did manage to make xxc laugh like no one else :(

ssyifpfff🌙 im sad now

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch PARALLELS... KEEP THEM COMING

ssyifpfff🌙 XXC HAS TO SEE XUE YANG HAS A GOOD HEART EVEN IF HE LOOKS LIKE A DELINQUENT

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch at some point though,

xue yang gets 100% kicked out his home

he has nowhere else to go

truth to be told, boi got no close friends

it's a rainy night

and xiao xingchen is coming home after uni (what is he studying)

in front of his place, in the rain, is xue yang

yeeting patriarch when he realizes xingchen came, xue yang looks up and tries to grin at xxc but he only manages a half smile

BABEYYY

HE SAID NO ANGST FOR HIM IN THIS LIFETIME ASDFGRFGVS

ssyifpfff🌙 i WANT xxc to be studyin at cheff school but i think med school would fit him better

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch MED SCHOOL FOR SURE

ssyifpfff🌙 n it would make sense as to why he has bandages n is good at putting thm on

8h 8 hours ago Y E S

xue yang currently a drop out for financial problems due his situation at home

we really ain't giving it easy for xue yang even in the reincarnation it should be finally Ok for him

yeeting patriarch Understandable

ssyifpfff🌙 we had to do it to him

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch at the sight of xue yang in the rain looking Miserable TM, xingchen's heart aches

at this point they been getting close, xue yang casually COINDICENTALLY going to the same skating place over n over even tho its actually not tht big or tht good for skating

ssyifpfff🌙 god we rly made him a skater boi

8h 8 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 see ya later boi

8h 8 hours ago i cannot see it now

skater boi xue yang confirmed

anyway

xingchen let's xue yang stay over as xue yang kinda explains the situation

he promises he will find himself a place and wont get in the way

yeeting patriarch but... yknow how it is when the Living Together situation happens

in reality xue yang is Super smart, like genious smart like ash lynx smart, n xxc prob notices n encourages him to pursue a studyin path

xxc is a nerd in all his lifetimes

ssyifpfff🌙 tht way xue yang could get a scholarship n help

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch OH NOOOOO GOT SLAPPED BY A THOUGHT THAT ENDED ME kinda nicely

ssyifpfff🌙 SLAP M

8h 8 hours ago as xingchen let's xue yang stay over, he gets xue yang a place to sleep in his living room. it's the only available place, his apartment isn't big. and in the morning, when xingchen wakes up, he finds xue yang sleeping kinda curled up like a cat, sleeping occupying a small place

yeeting patriarch also xue yang being Genius 💯 xingchen noticing it and encouraging him 💯💯💯

OH BABEY SAIDFGDSKFJBGS

a tiny stray cat

ssyifpfff🌙 its such a cheesy metaphor in fics BUT I LOVE ITTT

7h 7 hours ago as time goes by,

they grow closer

yeeting patriarch xue yang starts even helping xingchen with his studies although this isnt an area he likes nor has much interest

yeeting patriarch they go on growing close

xingchen starts paying more attention to some things about xue yang. that he carries a sadness within him

masked by his delinquent attitude

xingchen starts lowering his walls

yeeting patriarch (at this point xue yang is already deep in love but yknow tsun boy)

tsun boy skater boy

asdfka, xue yang going to xxcs campus n waiting around for his classes to end

"no i just like the sandwiches from the cafeteria here" "but ur broke" "IM HERE TO SMELL THEM"

ssyifpfff🌙 n xxc buys him the dam sandwich n they sit to eat together T0T

7h 7 hours ago hoes trying to approach xue yang as he waits for xingchen, since xue yang is Good Looking. But he... hisses at other people

hes only... non feral around xingchen

what would xue yang study tho 🤔

yeeting patriarch before he had to drop out and then when he managed to go back

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well he did do all tht w the sticks on wen ning and song lan, maybe... neuroscience

or maybe he goes feral n studies art idk

ssyifpfff🌙 he would be good at anything really

7h 7 hours ago he does look like an art hoe somehow

and Yup. boi could do Anything

let's settle this later

yeeting patriarch as for now...

the domestic bliss continues

before they realize, they're searching for a bit bigger apartment. with at the least two rooms

(No Homo phase)

two bedrooms*

they manage to find one, share the living costs

domestic bliss lives on

THEN, ONE DAY...

at xingchen's uni

yeeting patriarch a new student arrives

yeeting patriarch 😏

he moved back to the city

xingchen and song lan immediately recognized each other

yeeting patriarch with some tension

ssyifpfff🌙 (no homo phase) LMAO

7h 7 hours ago yeeting patriarch xue yang, the bastard cat, goes wait for xingchen at his uni. grinning showing his fangs and all. unaware

xue yang sees xingchen's silhouette and approaches

then he noticed song lan

hes hit by some unknown feeling. similar the one he had when he first meet xingchen

he, clever bastard, notices the tension in the sir between the two hotties

yeeting patriarch hides close by, as xxc and sl didnt notice when he was approaching

hes a bit far and cant hear well their convo but picks a few words here and there

yeeting patriarch "it's been so long", "wanted to see you again", "i am sorry"

and hes there like "uuuuh am i bein cucked" but deep down he gets a feeling too

he prob feels he wants to go meet thm but shouldnt

thru their rship he prob feels a lot of guilt, specially seein thm together, n the worst part is tht he cant understand Why he feels tht guilt

he might think he should be around xxc if he has finally found some1, like he doenst wanna be in the way

all the while bein a chaotic bastard w sl ofc

ssyifpfff🌙 n song lan actually finds him fun to be around heh

7h 7 hours ago THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS... the feelings the doesnt understand...

chaotic ass xy starts Bottling Up it all

hes been getting Messy

as he sees xxc and sl getting closer and closer, getting along better and better

he feels he should Leave them. that unsettling mysterious guilty feeling is there all the time

yeeting patriarch although he enjoys being with the two so much

yeeting patriarch one day xy reaches his limit. his mind, his heart are a mess. hes always been on the emotionally constipated side, but now it was different and overwhelming

he was growing a bit distant the past few weeks. both xxc and sl noticed although xy tried to mask it, grinning around, as always

yeeting patriarch but his gaze would give him in sometimes

one day, as xxc comes home, he is greeted by silence. a dark and cold apartment. by that hour, xy was already at home. worry grew in xxc's heart

he called for xy, but no answers came

yeeting patriarch ANNND it's almost 02:30 am i need sleep Badly

yeeting patriarch meme ya Later. dream of this au. hmu with new thoughts. nyeehaw

ssyifpfff🌙 ASSADK XUE YANG dam u u done it again.

7h 7 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 he didint even leave a note, but xxc knows him too well n finds him fast n asks wtf is up (not like tht obv) n xue yang cant explain properly but he basically confesses tht hes grateful for xxc opening his home to basically a stranger but he understands him n song lan crealry missed each other n he shouldnt get in the way

7h 7 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 n xxc is like "but song lan n i,,,, we both love u so much"

7h 7 hours ago n song lan comes by (xxc called him so he could help w finding the cat) n hes like "heh u ran away bc ur jealous?" "IM NOT u idiot im leaving the way open for ur dumb ass" "n what about ur way? is it open too?" (IDK WHY im imagining song lan as a suave guy whn in reality hes prob rly dense n awkwards too but let me dream)

ssyifpfff🌙 xue yang is pikachu stunned.jpg

7h 7 hours ago yeeting patriarch I HAD TO READ THOSE BEFORE DREAMLAND i will reply properly when i Rise

ssyifpfff🌙 have a good dream nyari may the xue chara dev visit u in ur sleep

7h 6 hours ago yeeting patriarch IVE RISEN

SUAVE GUY SONG LAN IS HONESTLY TO LIVE FOR xy is a tsun, xxc kinda slow so somebody in this house gotta do the work

BUT IMAGINE

after he says that and xue yang goes pikachu_agape.jpg

xingchen on the side blushes furiously

yeeting patriarch then after a "..." 3 secs, song lan becomes a blushy mess

yeeting patriarch xxc, tenderly, grabs one of xy hands and tells him "let's go home"

xy feels like a bit part of that heavy feeling has been lifted from him as xxc holds into his hand and sl gazes softly at him. THEN, A RARE MOMENT HAPPENS... chaotic disaster xy, doesnt give his fangy grin, but a small smile

yeeting patriarch the three of them go to their home

after this, as some time goes by, before they realize, song lan has moved in with them. they bought a bigger bed

(No Homo phase kicked into outer space)

Song lan n xy just constantly embarrassing themselves n each other fskdhdjd

3h 3 hours ago now we gotta reach the a-qing point of the au

xxc gets a thirdhand embarrassment with them sometimes

i really, really like to think xue yang's sleeping habits are a bit like a cats

even the "more docile and cuddly when sleeping" part

SINCE WE MADE HIM SHORTER ON THIS, and i think both xxc and sl are 185cm... oh the bliss

yeeting patriarch AND OF COURSE HIS SWEET TOTH REMAINS

HES THE TINY ONE

IN A 3 PPL RSHIP WHOSE THE LITTLE SPOON??? IDK HOW BUT ITS HIM

ssyifpfff🌙 he’s the lettuce of the sandwich

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch "are u a big or little spoon, xue yang?" xy: im a KNIFE xxc & sl, at the same time: hes the little spoon

ssyifpfff🌙 ASFGJSHFIUFM

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch OMGGHSJKSKSK HOL P

ssyifpfff🌙 “I am a dagger under ur pillow” “ok”

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch xxc keeping candies with him to give xy :')

ssyifpfff🌙 OFC

3h 3 hours ago xy says fuck it in this au and becomes a Baker

yeeting patriarch sl... what is he

ssyifpfff🌙 OOOH SO HE CAN MAKE DESSERTS!!!! YAS

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch architect would be cool

Or designer engineer

ssyifpfff🌙 Or a VET

3h 3 hours ago OMG A VET

yeeting patriarch YES

ssyifpfff🌙 N he constantly compares xy w the kittens he attends

3h 3 hours ago YESSSSSSSSS

yeeting patriarch WE GOT IT, WE GOT IT ALL

“Today there was a black cat tht wouldn’t let me pick it up, reminded me of u” the next day “today there was a kitten tht wouldn t stop licking my hand, reminded me of u”

ssyifpfff🌙 “Today the cat bit me, reminded me of u”

3h 3 hours ago xxc - doctor sl - vet

SUIT THEM SO WELL

and baker xy... a pleasant surprise

he makes the best sweet stuff but hes a disaster cooking savory food. sweets only man

also T0T in the future when they get a-qing,

xy uses his baker ways to approach her

yeeting patriarch yknow like he did back then with the candies but this time... not devilishly