#if somebody asks or if i feel like it ill post the extras

[snickeringdragon]

isat au BLAST !!

[hashtagloveloses]

so are you back on tumblr after a while or you're new? welcome! it's a lot nicer here lately, and, shockingly enough, the website actually works a lot better too, thanks to the hard work of a bunch of very talented people. the mobile app is constantly improving, but if you're on desktop and used to use things like missing e or xkit, the latest helpful extension is XKIT REWRITTEN, which you can go download and read about at @addons that was created by @april, who worked on new xkit back in the day and now works at tumblr itself!

here's some other helpful tips to know:

PLEASE REBLOG THINGS. it's the main form of engagement here. there is no penalizing for spam interaction, most people are not looking at your blog directly, and it is the main way people find you and you find good content to follow. for original content like fanart and fanfic, it also REALLY helps people out. likes are better for like, personal posts, and for storing things for later. also, it doesn't matter if you blog is a jumble of things - it's yours, nobody cares, and that's kind of the purpose of the site

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A PROFILE PHOTO, BANNER PHOTO, AND UNIQUE URL (that isnt like a bunch of numbers or something), or else people will think you are a bot and block you. you don't have to do anything fancy, you can use the default tumblr theme on your blog itself, but just make sure you look like a real account PLEASE

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create an original tag for your "original" posts, aka the posts you make that aren't reblogs, so you can look at them later

explore the QUEUE FUNCTION! you don't have to use it, nobody cares if you reblog spam, but sometimes it's fun!

Don't know who to follow? Go follow the tags of things you like (TV shows, movies, musicians, aesthetics, whatever!), and suggested posts will pop up on your feed, or you can go through the tag and follow some people who look interesting

[ladysomething]

4 other lestappen fics after this one? 😏

hehehe well now you've done it!!!!

behold, the other fics in waiting, including snippets from what I've already written of them.

in likely posting order, they are:

Post Aus GP fic where Max and Charles have been hooking up casually for a while and they both need to let some steam out after the race. daddy kink!

"Charles doesn’t text Max back until just past midnight. 

It’s a little earlier than Max expected, really. Back when every win for the team was hard fought, Max usually didn’t stumble back to his hotel until after the sun rose. 

Then again, if the team won, it was usually because it was him. Not his teammate. The circumstances are different. 

Charles replies with a room number, then says, I’m already back. Come when you can. 

Max see’s no point in waiting around—he’s been itching for this for hours, and Charles probably knows it. Instead, he quietly pushes back the sheets of his bed and slips out. He puts jeans on over his boxers, and then pulls on a sweatshirt, and pretends he can’t see Kelly watching him in the low light of his lit up phone screen. 

She doesn’t say anything when he slips the hotel key in his pocket, nor when he walks out the door, so Max doesn’t either. He knows she more than suspects he’s having an affair, but he’s not sure she know who it’s with. By now, she’s surely clued in to the fact that it’s somebody associated with F1 and who is always wherever he is."

hanhaki au where Hanahaki is a chronic illness developed when one keeps their feelings/emotions inside, and Max and Charles are both suffering from it.

"“You really haven’t spoken to him?” Daniel asks as Max picks the next track. 

Max rolls his tongue on the roof of his mouth as he tries to figure out how to answer. 

“I didn’t really want to talk to anybody after I was diagnosed,” he says eventually, hoping it’s enough to sate both Daniel and his own symptoms. His chest always gets tight when he talks about Charles these days, no matter how honest he is. Francois says it’s because he’s been living with the disease for a long time, now; that Hanahaki is degenerative, and soon he might not even be able to think about Charles in passing without coughing up flowers. 

“Sure, but Charles isn’t you,” Daniel answers. “He’s a yapper. It’s how he processes things. And being about to talk to someone who actually understands would be extra helpful, I’m sure.” 

Max knows all of that, obviously. He’s in love with the man—of course he knows it. 

Max just . . . doesn’t know how to be that person for him. He doesn’t know how to be comforting, he wasn’t built for it. He was built for ruthlessness, precision, for seeking out weakness and using them to his advantage."

fake Max autobiography that he releases in 2033. parts of the story are how the people he used to be friends with (so people on the current grid) react to what he reveals in the book, and then one who chapter is just a whole fake chapter from the memoir. that's the chapter I've written, so here's a piece from it!

"I don’t think there’s anything I can really do to make up for what I did to Charles. He and I haven’t spoken since I retired, in case you were wondering. 

Even the email exchange I talked about earlier actually went through our managers. 

Honestly, I don’t even think I deserve his forgiveness. He put up with me when no-one else would, loved me fully and completely, put me back together, tore me apart, then put me back together again. 

In some ways, I think he saved me. 

In other ways, he saved himself from me. 

I’m endlessly grateful for both. 

I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I can recognise now that a lot of my behaviours were because of the trauma I experienced at the hands of my father. I can also recognise that I need to take responsibility for them, because I was a grown adult making decisions of my own free will. 

I’m paying my penance for it, regardless. 

There is no chance that I will ever love anybody the way I loved Charles. It’s just too unlikely, that I could be lucky enough to meet a second person on this planet that made me feel like he did. 

But you don’t need to feel pity. You don’t need to be angry with me, either. I can assure you, I do plenty enough of both for all of us. 

And I’m fine. Life is fine. I’m far from unhappy. 

I know what I sacrificed. I know what I gave up. I know what I traded, to win what I won, to have what I do. 

And if there is one lesson my father taught me that I’m grateful for, it’s this: 

I know that I can bear a burden."

finally, a body swap!au in which Charles wishes to be World Champion, and instead body swaps with Max.

"“Make your decision, Mister Leclerc,” Althea says, not even looking up at him as she continues to sort her things. “Do you want to be Champion?” 

Charles’ breath hitches in his chest. 

“Yes,” he says decisively. He knows he can pick a secret that will satisfy Althea without it being life-destroyed. “Do I tell you the secret now?” 

He sifts through his memories, trying to come up with something he might be comfortable sharing. 

But all that comes up are things he would never say; how he’d once told Arthur that their parents didn’t love him and then felt terrible when his little brother had burst into tears; that he’d cried after having sex with a girl for the first and only time because he’d so desperately wished he could just like it and be normal; that he’d told Jules that he was in love with him and Jules had awkwardly patted his head and said it was probably just a crush and that he’d get over it, and, worse, that Jules had been right and he’d moved his attentions to a boy his own age by the end of the week; the terrible, awful, things he feels for—

Althea inhales sharply, eyes sliding closes. 

“Yes,” she breathes. “That.” 

Charles rips his hand away from hers, breathing deeply. “You—can you—” 

She raises a brow at him, pressing her red-painted lips together. 

“Get out of my head,” he commands hotly, standing up so fast his chair falls back, slamming against the ground."

[supergigabigboybabechad]

idk if i interpret your posts right but it seems like you do matchups for twisted wonderland? May I get one?

Im female and go by she/her. Im an ENTP, my zodiac is gemini and I’m about 165cm tall. I’m pretty energetic and always smile since hard feelings like grief, anger or sadness are really overwhelming for me since I am pretty „sensitive“ meaning I take most things to heart easily. I always give advice and help to others and I try to be the best version of myself to make them feel comfortable. I make lots of bad jokes while knowing they are bad. I get lots of compliments for my Singing voice and writing. I also love love love to Infodump like i can talk for hours about something or someone I like. I love wearing pink things with ruffles or lace and I’d say I’m pretty girly over all. I try to act tough and always give everything to make others happy. Im a Great cook and a hopeless romantic. I also have a 8 step skincare routine… I see beauty and worth in everything and love to help people build confidence and self-love. My favorite artist is currently Mitski, since I really relate to her music. I have some father problems going on which make me want to be cared for, but at the same time I have mother problems since my mother was emotionally absent after my dad left, which makes me want to care for people. 🫂

Hope our have a good day or night and Drink enough!<3

Hi! Thank you for being so conscious of me and im so flattered you liked my last matchup enough to ask for one yourself but i love people telling me about themselves so your ask was a happy suprise and really made my day! I didnt expect to get that much attention but hey! If anyone else wants a matchup from me youre more than welcome to send info in! The more the better! Extra little jazz: if you want to send up info the way you would for a matchup and get hcs for a specific char youve got it! Also, if you want your info priv you can lemme know in your ask and ill tag you or you can go by an anon title(ex: leaf anon/ 🍃 anon)and ill mention ur title in the post, if you do this I wont post ur anonymous ask Like last time we have options in order from less to most compatible imo🔥

4. Jack Howl

Upon first meeting you, jack would claim to not care for you

But the thing is, deep down he doesn’t want your feelings getting hurt at nrc, the boys there can be real mean for no reason

He’s also worried about people taking advantage of your kindness

His words and actions conflict as he insists on walking with you everywhere “to be a man” or so he claims

He’d probably scold you about how you’re never putting yourself first leading to you telling him about your want to help others be their best selves

This would get him thinking, he thought you were weak for “letting people walk all over you” but really it’s just selflessness

He’s into the idea of self betterment so he gives you an enthusiastic speech about how you’re doing good work

After that day he sees you in a new light, the definitions of resilience and strength to him have taken on new meaning

He’s always looking to improve, he’d take your advice to heart and trusts you most with his emotional problems

Hes gotta open up to somebody, the tough guy act can’t be a forever thing, you’re clearly the best person for the job

Hes pretty mature so he won’t say anything mean to you even as a joke

He wont let others do that to you either, you wont have to tell him if something bothers you, hes protective so more times than not he’ll defend you

Hes still too macho to let you know just how much he cares but it slips out in his actions

When he can see your upset(Ace was probably mean to you) he’ll insist on walking you back to your dorm after in other words, telling ace to shut up

Hell softly squeeze your hand on the way back and make a comment about what happened earlier off handedly

Say ace was bein birtchy ab the way you dress, before leaving you to enter ramshackle he’d say “I think pink is nice for you” while awkwardly looking away

Jack wouldn’t know how to respond in the moment of receiving affections while you’re taking care of him but his tail will wag so you’ll know he’s enjoying it and he definitely wont protest.

Jack would care for you too in the more traditional masculine way of walking you to class and escorting you here and there

He’d show you the affection you desire but be verbally round aboit with it.

Holding out his jacket to you, he’d insist you take it, not in a very romantic way.. but still, he’s so easy to read you can tell how shy he was

3.Trey Clover

Trey would love your look!!

You would remind him of a cake

In fact, hed make a cake to match you as a suprise

Most likely as a gift for helping out ace and deuce despots what a pain they can be

He really appreciates how kind you can be and your willingness to help others

It really takes a load off his shoulders with the first years coming to you every now and then, he knows how much work they can be so a cake is the least he can do

Knowing your living situation in ramshackle and with Crowley’s LIMITED allowance hed take care of you subtly

Inviting you to join heartslabyul for tea and having you over to help with schoolwork

Hes be more forthright from time to time making you lunch and bringing you food

During tea times and unbirthday parties hed always invite you to sit next to him

He’d use that time to talk to you about how you’re doing, he notices how you’re always caring for others he needs to make sure you’re being looked after as well

During this time you might get into infodumping

He finds the way you get cute and would ask questions just to see you passionate

If you cook for him he’d love it! In fact, upon telling him that you cook he’d start inviting you over to help him out or offer to come help you out(he knows you’ve got enough in your plate) as an excuse to have some alone time together

Hes Great at comforting people so if something someone says hurts you you’ll have him to lean on

That being said he’s also an upperclassman and well respected

If he catches you hurt by what someone says he’ll wrap his arm around your waist to reassure you and ask the person what’s wrong and how he can resolve the issue

Trey gives dad jokes vibes he’d find your jokes endearing

From time to time hed I’m sure he’d even genuinely find them funny

Trey isnt used to being cared for the way you take care of him

Hes usually on the giving end but hardly ever the receiving, its special to him and he remembers each moment and is truly great full for it

Hed return the favor and care for you more, hes a good boyfriend so he’s always making sure to give what he gets

He loves when you help him take a break, the way you encourage him to take care of himself as well as remind him of how he matters reminds him of how lucky he was to have landed someone so caring

2. Rook Hunt

BEAUTÉ 100 POINTS

He finds you so cute! Your beauty is so different from Vil’s or Neige’s

You’re like a lone tulip adorned with dew in the morning shining brighter than the rest of the dull leaves

Hes Tell you that in more words and write you poems, be ready to receive many odes to your beauty

He’d love to hear you sing you have his full attention

In fact hed write poems and sonnets for you to read too

Your singing is so lovely, you must have a beautiful voice! He’d listen to you talk for HOURS just listening to your voice and taking in how beautiful you are while you speak

He loves the your stop and smell the roses attitude, he finds that it adds to your beauty

Your beautiful way of thinking adds to the depth of your beauty

Hell have fun looking within your kind spirit and discovering new beautiful things about you

He loves your ability to cook, he’d love to have you pack him something while he goes out hunting

Rook is a very passionate man and very knowledgable, you’d both end up info dumping on each other too, you’d say a lot of random stuff to each other that and neither of you would even be phased

The hopeless romantic part of you will definitely love being with rook

He’s writing you love letters, giving you flowers. His confession was likely intimate and private but also grand, a beauty for your eyes only

Rook also has a keen eye for beauty. He’d take you to see his favorite sights and sing to you of the beauty before him

He’d also take you hunting!

He understands if you’re not too keen on the actual hunting part. You can both hunt beauty with your eyes

Rook is good natured at heart though it’s hard to see with what he says

When he speaks it may come off as an insult but truly he just sees the beauty in your flaws and can’t help but comment on it

I Hope his positive tone comes through but hell definitely notice if it hurts you

“Mon amour! I meant it in the highest complements! You’re beauty but transgresses perfection and seeps into the cracks filling your beautiful form! Mais je suis désolé ma chérie.. I will refrain if it is what will make you smile most.”

Room would love to help you with your skin care routine! I know that sounds weird.. kinda because it is?

If you’d let him.. he’d wash your face for you, apply serum essence, your entire routine

He’s beaming the whole time like a giddy child but he’s also treating you delicately like he’s washing a porcelain doll.

He’s very Open to receiving affection and having you care for him. You wouldn’t have to question whether or not he appreciates it, it’s written all over him! .. and he’ll tell you how thankful he is

Room would follow you around like he worships the ground you walk on. You just keep on surprising him with the depth of your beauty, he can’t get enough!

1. Jade Leech

Princess and her capable butler vibes❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Jade would keep an eye on you out of pure curiosity at first.

You’d seldom find someone so willing to help others out of the goodness of their hearts like you would, especially at NRC

He follows you around finding your “obliviousness” entertaining. The way you cant See the danger you’re clearly putting yourself in

With all the aggressive students things can get ugly but before any of that would have happened, Jade would be stepping in to make sure things didn’t escalate (after he’s had his fill on entertainment)

You would thank him for his help and he’d inquire about your helping and positive attitude

“You do know that they’d just trying to take advantage of you right? Dont you? Why do you insist on helping them?”

After telling him about trying to bring out the best in others and only wanting to help them love themselves, Jade is even more dumbfounded

He finds it cute, from your character to your cute clothes, you truly are unique…

With Jade around people would know better than to hurt your feelings and if they were dumb enough to try to intentionally… well, you wouldn’t see it but Jade would handle it

Jade would love your singing and would love for you to sing for him on your dates

Are you an outdoorsy person? Because for dates he’d bring you out on hikes to show you all the beauty, from the scenery and landscape to the smallest dainty flowers

You wouldn’t have to worry about packing or holding your own bag Jade would hold it for you. Worried you might fall? Hell catch you don’t even worry there’s no way you’d even get a scratch when you’re with him.

While on your hike you might point out some things you like, flowers, trees anything really.

Hed make mental note of it and make a terrarium for you with what you found beautiful together

Hed decorate the outside too to make sure it was up to your standards. Pearls, lace, pink bows, it so cute!

Jade would dote on you too, not too much in gifts, you get them here and there but Jade is definitely a quality time/acts of service guy.

He’d sit down and just listen to you talk, talk about whatever! Info dumping, your day, especially your day, he wants to know where you are

You do so much for people, helping them build their self love but who’s doing that for you? Jade will.

He’d constantly tell you about how nice you look and what a nice thing you did, making sure to never overlook your achievements and congratulate you on each one.

He’d make you tea or some water to make sure you’re hydrated and something to eat while you talk to make sure you have enough energy

Then it’ll just be the two of you, talking and showing how much you love each other as well as making sure you both love yourselves

[strawberry-cowmilk]

♡•rules for requests•♡

(I might change this page in the future)

I take requests if they're open, my bio will always say whether it's open or closed. Currently, I write for obey me only.

general rules

Keep it respectful. Don't demand for me to make a certain post for you, don't throw with insults, etc.

Also, don't be mean to somebody else through requests, or just anywhere on (and off of) this blog at all

Don't spam my inbox. From now on I'm going to be accepting only one request per person when it's busy, due to my limited capacity.

rules about content

no nsfw

nothing straight up illegal, like r*pe and p*dophilia

that obviously means nothing romantic involving luke, no I am not aging him up either

anything that could be seen as glorifying something that should not be glorified (like abuse)

yanderes

extreme violence and/or gore (I also won't write anything describing an injury in detail)

mcs with certain (mental) conditions/illnesses

omegaverse, or anything that kind of falls under the same umbrella like mpreg

no character x character or character x oc

don't overly sexualise the characters, this especially counts for asmo

nothing involving a child intentionally getting hurt by an adult

for now, no thirteen raphael or mephisto x mc (I don't know them very well yet)

nothing too suggestive, suggestive content is usually fine but if it's something like mc posing nude on a bed I will not write it (so basically no highly suggestive content)

clarifications

About the spamming: If I notice in all my notifications there's multiple asks back-to-back with little or no other notifications in between, anon on and similar sentence structure, I will get suspicious.

About the (mental) conditions rule: I am not confident enough in my ability to write accurate representation for some of these. I don't want to post something with 69 misconceptions on accident.

About the 'don't overly sexualise' rule: To clarify, overly sexualising in my book means you are asking or implying for me to basically portray the character in a way that only shows their sexual traits as being their whole personality. Also sexualising something completely innocent (like just wearing a mini skirt, no actual sexual act involved) is a hard no here.

extra info

I want as many works of mine to be inclusive, therefore I will not mention Mc's gender in a post unless you clearly state you want Mc to be a specific gender. With clearly state I mean you put something like 'f!mc please' somewhere in your submission

Sometimes a request might make me uncomfortable, sometimes I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone a bit, but sometimes it's too much. There are also times where I genuinely don't know how to write something. In these cases I might delete your ask

Requests are closed actually means requests are closed!! If you send me something regardless, I will sadly not write it. It's totally okay to send me the same ask again when requests are open though.

If you requested me something and it ends up not getting posted, that means you violated my rules and I deleted your ask from my inbox. Or, your ask may have made me a little too uncomfy. Either way, please don't feel bad if your request was not written. I still feel honored you decided to choose me to write what you wanted, I'm not upset

If I won't write your request and anon is off, I will privately answer and tell you I'm not writing the request (and maybe why if I feel comfortable enough). That way you don't have to wait ages only for nothing to happen.

[earthlyyan]

Organic Antidepressants

(Slight Yandere Ferid Bathory x Suicidal Reader) originally posted on my AO3

Warnings: Ferid being touchy, suicidal depression, intrusive thoughts. Reader is of legal age

first person pov (ew)

(Originally Posted on AO3 On 1-9-2020)

The days were far longer than they were before… at least it felt that way.

I knew I should’ve died that day. I wish I had died that day. The day the trumpets of the apocalypse decided to ring gloriously over our god forsaken planet.

Anyone younger than thirteen? What a fucking joke.

The cot stuffed with hay was one of the few things that brought me comfort in the day to day. The odd number of children allowed for me to be alone. I liked it that way. More me time. And the most I wanted to do was return to it. But instead, my feet dragged down the busy streets, making my way to the blood bank.

On my way though, I could hear the guards making excuses to their superiors. Apparently three humans on the register were found dead in their terf. 

“They committed suicide. You know how they get when they’re cooped up. I didn’t touch them, honest.”

 “They got sick. Died of their illness I guess.”

Bastards took them for themselves. Everyone knew it. But were they going to confront them? They weren’t protected. The vamps just thought they could get away with it.

“Hey we have enough. Three won’t make a dent.”

Not even caring that those children had futures. Well, would’ve had futures. Those were stripped away as quick as the adults were.

I wanted to be happy. We all did.

But in this place? Laughable. You had a better chance of being an astronaut. Well… maybe not. But it sure felt that way.

You know how to be happy right?

 “First and Last name?”

I answered.

“First open table.”

No matter how many times I’ve done this already, the dread won’t leave. The feeling of their eyes. I could see the barely restrained hunger. If anyone was left alone, they’d take a bag for the rations and the kid for themselves.   

You could ask the vamp to take extra.

I shuddered and plopped myself on the medical bed. “Good morning.”

An unamused grunt was my reply. I was the scum of the earth not worth talking to, apparently.

He’s right, isn’t he?

The needle was quick. He hadn’t even bothered to give a warning. It was a pinch, a wave of nausea, and then it was over. He tossed the pouch of their nasty sustenance formula in my hands and pointed to the door.

“Thanks.” I walked out and threw myself on the floor beside the benches. I opened my disgusting capri-sun wannabe and began to suck on it. I cringed at the taste.

There were two boys on the stairs. One obviously more displeased about the situation than the other. He crinkled the full bag and threw it across the clearing. If I had the balls and the same cripplingly low amount of braincells as he did, I would probably do the same.

The other boy, far more mature than the other, stood up after chugging his to throw his pouch away. He seemed to be taking the situation much better than the other. He had beautiful blonde hair and deep blue eyes. If he wasn’t in this hell hole, he could’ve been a child model.

The thought made me sad. What could’ve been. I could’ve been somebody.

Maybe you’ll get a fresh start in the next life.

 Apparently, I had zoned out far longer than I thought because the next thing I knew, a fight had broken out.

 If you could call a young boy threatened to be chucked off the ledge a fight anyway. He was soon thrown to the side with enough force to send him reeling.

 A well-dressed vampire walked with purpose down the stairs. Shoulders back, chin up. He seemed regal.

He certainly looked like royalty.

“Lord Ferid!” The little blonde boy ran up to him. The two seemed close enough, which sent my mind reeling.

How does a kid get that close with a nobleman like him? They seem friendly.

“Ah~ Mika!” The noble -presumably named Ferid- gave him a kind smile. “What on earth seems to be the matter?”

He talked like royalty too.

I couldn’t stop staring. After a few minutes of banter, the noble took his hand from the blonde’s face and sent him on his way. He had said something about meeting at his mansion. I brought myself up from the floor and chased after the blonde.

*

Two days after the talk with Mika, I stood at the noble’s door.

“If you give your blood, he’ll give you anything you want!”

I rose an eyebrow. “Really? Anything?”

Mika nodded proudly. “Yup! Though he’s busy tonight. But the day after I’d try it.”

Maybe he can take the pain away.

 I took a few controlled breaths. This screamed danger. It’s a vampire. They kill people

Why are you so scared? It’s not like your life could get worse.

I knocked on his door.

It swung open, seemingly on its own accord. The motion invited me in. Once I was past the threshold, I gently closed the door and looked inside.

There he sat, lounging on a tasteful white couch with gold accented frames. In the dim candlelight he almost resembled an angel.

An angel of death, perhaps?

He looked up from his book and turned his attention towards me. My body froze. I felt my self-confidence leave. Not like I had much left anyway.

He called my name, somehow. Mika must’ve told him or something. Though, something nagged at me. I don’t remember telling Mika my name. Mika hadn’t even told me his. It was all overheard. Then how?

“Come, sit.” He patted the seat next to him on the couch.

 I sat down on the chair across from him instead.

“Over here, my dear.” He patted the spot next to him louder, trying to coax me over like I were an animal.

Though, that’s probably how he saw my species anyway, isn’t it?

“My dearest Mika had told me about your visit a few nights ago. I wouldn’t have thought he would’ve told anyone about the little arrangement I have going on here, but I’m not complaining.” He sighed, seemingly content. “I wasn’t expecting someone of your age to be here, how are you still here? You have me curious.”

“If I’m honest, milord, I don’t quite know.” I said, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible. But the calculating feeling of his gaze made it harder. “Luck? Possibly?”

“Luck?” He leaned back and turned himself towards me. “Is it truly luck?”

“With all due respect, what’s that supposed to mean?”

You know what he means, and you know he’s right.

He smiled at me, not meeting my eyes. Ah. Okay.

“So, what are you hoping to get out of this?” He scooted closer. “As much as I’d like to think you’re here out of the kindness of your heart, we both know that isn’t the case, now is it?”

I nodded; heat crept its way up my face. “Yeah, but I suppose that doesn’t make me irregular.” I grumbled. “But I suppose that also makes me boring doesn’t it?”

He shrugged. “That entirely depends on you, my dear.”

I tugged at my uniform and cleared my throat. “Yeah I guess that’s fair.”

“Back to the topic at hand, yes?” He smiled and placed a gloved hand on my shoulder.

I suppressed a shudder. “Right. I guess I should cut to the chase.” I finally had the courage to look into his eyes.

Those damn eyes, despite the almost ravenous look in them, I couldn’t help but find them entrancing. Like shiny rubies in where his irises should be. He raised his eyebrows, awaiting an answer.

“Antidepressants.”

And I would’ve never thought his grin could get bigger. “Antidepressants? Now that’s something I haven’t heard before.”

In a place like this? Really? “I’m sure you would’ve heard everything by now.”

“And I thought I would’ve heard it all by now too. But I suppose not.” He ran his hand down my back

I gingerly grabbed his hand and put it back on his lap. “Sorry.” I mumbled.

“No~ Don’t apologize. It’s quite alright.” He folded his hands in his lap, he smiled at me. “If I were in a situation like yours, I don’t think I’d want to be touched either.”

My gaze fell. “Right. A situation like mine.” I slapped my cheeks gently to liven myself up. “Back to the deal though.”

“Actually, before we continue, what do you need them for? Medicine isn’t allowed down here unless regulated, considering how it effects the blood. Someone as old as you should know that.”

“Yeah, but why else would someone need antidepressants?”

He stared at me. His expression left no room for argument. He wanted an answer. His lips tugged into a smile. A kind looking one, but it left something unsaid.

“Why do you really need them?”

It’s not like you have anything else to lose, right? Tell him. You’ll feel better. He can make you better.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, leaning back onto the couch. “Look, how old do you think I am?”

“Too old to be here at this age, certainly.” He shrugged and made himself comfortable next to me. Close enough to grab me, but far enough not to invade my personal bubble.

“And why do you think that is?” I looked to the wall, hoping to find a distraction to focus on anything else but how close he was. But found nothing but pristine white.

“This world’s god is cruel.” He said. “It seemed they chose to bless you instead of damning you to the fate of your elders.”

I laughed. “Bless me?” I ran my hands faster through my hair, tugging at the ends to ground me. “What kind of blessing is this? I’m stuck down here to live until old age, vitamin deficiency or illness takes me? I’d rather be with my friends and family.”

You could join them. There’s plenty of spaces to do so. You could fly like an angel.

“You could always make your situation better.” His voice softened.

“That’s why I’m here.” I took my hands from my hair and began to fiddle with my identification tag. “I thought if I struck a deal with you, I’d get the opportunity to make things better. To make things as they should be.”

“But if you were to make things as they should be, then I know the real reason you want those pills, don’t you?”

“I didn’t mean it like that I—” I felt my throat close. Tears stung the back of my eyes, I fought desperately to bite them back.

This didn’t go unnoticed.

“You did, and it’s okay.” His hand made its way to my hair. I couldn’t find the strength to fight him. It’s not like he was going to harm me if he wanted this deal to work. “You know your very existence is a burden to you. And you want to fix it. You humans were always so independent.” He whispered. He paused to take off his glove and used his sharp nails to comb my hair. “But you know it’s okay to ask for help, right?”

 “Nobody would give me help. They wouldn’t understand or wouldn’t care. I’d rather just…” I swallowed hard.

“End it? Now don’t be ridiculous.” He placed my head on his shoulder, presumably for easier access. “What if there truly isn’t a happy end if you end it? You’d lament not fixing it while you could. And suicide isn’t beneficial to anyone, little lamb.” His hand reached to touch my face. Despite his hands being cold, something inside me warmed.

This can’t be right. It isn’t right. He’s a vampire he’s just like the rest of them—

But he cares.

No. He doesn’t he just wants me to think he does.

But what if he truly does care?

“Why are you even trying to talk me down? Wouldn’t it be better for you to just give me the pills and then you get a drink?” It’s not like I didn’t have a plan B if he said no.

“How selfish do you think I am? I’m wounded.” He pulled my head onto his lap, his hands playing with tufts and braiding the longer pieces. “Who would want someone else to take their life for the sake of a meal?”

I averted my eyes. I sounded like a dick now. “I didn’t think of it like that. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. That seems to be a nasty habit that you’ll have to break.” He said. “And I have an idea that could be beneficial to both of us in the long term, if you’re interested.” His hand moved my head to look up. I could see his furrowed brow and soft smile. I felt the remaining fears I had slowly dissipate.

“Yeah?”

“You can stay with me. I think I would miss you if you were gone.”

“You… You would?”

“Of course, I would. You’re full of untapped potential. And I think I could help ease those pains preventing them from coming to fruition.” He smiled. “All you have to do is say yes~.”

I slowly sat up, taking in his words.

He could make you feel wanted. You didn’t need to run anymore.

“I…”

You could have someone take care of you and like you for you, isn’t that all you’ve wanted? Someone who knows how to make things better? Someone who can save you?

“I think… I would like that.”

His smile reached his eyes. “As would I, my dear.” He hoisted me onto his lap. “Now, to seal the deal.” He unbuttoned the top few buttons of my uniform and removed my identification collar. “Have you ever been bitten directly?”

I shook my head.

“Now don’t worry. It won’t hurt for long. Like a pinprick.” He gave my nose a small bop. “Like a more organic needle. Just, try not to squirm too much. I don’t want to accidentally rip your internal carotid, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that either.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay…” I tried to calm my nerves. “okay I can do this.”

He placed his hand on the small of my back and gently pushed me to his chest. “On the count of three, alright?”

I flexed my fingers, trying to ease my nerves. “Alright…”

“One…”

I felt his warm breath on my neck, making me tense.

He rubbed my head with his free hand. “Two…”

I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Three.”

It was much more painful than he had said. It felt like two spears digging perpendicularly into my skin. Slow and agonizing. I gripped his coat tightly. His hands continued to attempt to soothe me.

“Shhh~ The pain won’t last much longer.” He cooed. I could feel his lips moving on my skin at he talked.

The pain didn’t go away, but something arose within. The area where his fangs pierced me grew numb. I could still feel his fangs in my skin, its presence foreign. But it wasn’t uncomfortable.

It felt like warmth and welcome, if those feelings could resonate inside. My mind grew foggier. Pleasantly ignorant. I couldn’t hear anything else but the faint slurping and my own heartbeat. It was nice. I felt my eyes roll back and my body grow weaker. I gave Ferid’s coat a fatigued tug.

He pulled away slowly, and I whined at the loss. I slumped against his shoulder, the last of my remaining strength left along with his fangs.

His hand moved from the back of my head to my shoulders. He stood up with me in his arms. My eyes fought to stay open. I saw the faint image of Ferid’s face with a small stream of blood falling from his lips.

The light from the candle illuminated the space behind him, bathing him in a heavenly glow. He seemed a little livelier than before, too.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I tried to get a word out, but it came out a strangled whimper.

He smiled and shook his head, tutting softly. “I think I took too much, don’t you?” He walked down the hall with my limp body in his arms.

Ferid arrived in a large bedroom and placed me neatly under the covers and tucked me in. He sat next to me on my left side. He brushed a few stray hairs from my face and gave me a small kiss on the forehead.

“I do believe you need your rest. I’ll be back when you wake, my dear. I promise.” His hand moved from my forehead to my cheek as he gave it one final caress.

In my failing consciousness, I heard a gentle laugh

“Sleep well my lamb you’ll feel better in the morning. You’ll never feel empty again.”

And in the enveloping darkness, I saw him smirk.

[meichenxi]

Obsession, ‘productivity’ and habits vs routines: starting learning in a healthier way

cw: perfectionism, obsessiveness, allusion to eating disorders, depression, anxiety (very non-explicit) I’m going to be writing a series of posts from some asks I’ve had waiting for me, on how to build a cohesive language learning routine, but I wanted to preface that first with something we talk about less than we should in the language learning community: obsessiveness, perfectionism, recovery from mental health, and how to approach language learning in a better way. If the personal stuff bores you, feel free to skip the first two paragraphs. 

I have been trying to ‘be more productive’ - in healthy ways, and unhealthy ways - since I was about ten. If you don’t fit in, for whatever reason, hobbies - and especially creative or ‘productive’ ones - are a wonderful escape. They make you feel that it’s ok not to have friends; they let you look down on all those other stupid children with all the misplaced arrogance of every single bored, clever pre-teen. When I was twelve, I realised there was no point eating with people that didn’t like me and went to the library instead, because that was ‘dead time’. When I was fourteen, I realised getting the bus was ‘dead time’, and started doing Anki for two hours a day. When I was sixteen, I realised walking was ‘dead time’, and started either listening to podcasts or talking out loud. By the time I was eighteen, I was doing four A-levels in school, an EPQ, teaching myself an extra Latin GCSE, and taught myself the Spanish A-level in 3 months right before the exam. I also worked out for two hours a day - because eating lunch was ‘dead time’, and sleeping was ‘dead time’ - trained martial arts four evenings a week, tutored twice a week, had a part-time job as a waitress, played the flute in a prestigious orchestra, and was 150,000 words deep in the first draft of a very gay, Norse-mythology inspired fantasy novel. 

I had it all under control. My marks were excellent; I was a well-rounded person, musical and sporty and already decently on the way to becoming a polyglot, I was training to be a teacher, and I had plans to publish my novel. My home life was painful, but I was painfully independent with what I now like to call the ‘Elsa complex’. Or, actually, like Zuko: I could look after myself, by myself. It was all under control. 

I guess everyone can see where this is going. School ended, and with it came endless, open days. I fell apart. 

With endless surprise, I can now say that, four years later, I think I’ve come through the worst of it. I still have tendencies to get obsessive, but my anxiety and perfectionism are a lot better, I don’t dissociate, and I have - gasp! shock! - actual interest in life again. I never wrote that novel, but I’m still gay and still love Norse mythology, so I’m slowly finding my way towards writing again. What people don’t tell you about getting better, though, is that trying to define yourself, trying to find yourself, as a person who exists without mental illness, is very, very hard. Many of the things that you used to identify as core components of your personality or important values may have changed, and you may be hesitant about trying to take up hobbies that you used to enjoy because you recognise - and rightly so - that the incessant drive to be doing something, all the time, didn’t necessarily come from anywhere healthy. That those things which you clung to and which protected you may actually have ended up harming you in the end. A lot of figuring out old patterns of unhelpful thoughts involves realising that the things that you defended or framed as helping - weren’t. That’s a hard thought, especially because those mechanisms developed to try and protect you, one that’s immeasurably sad. 

Seperating your reasons for doing something obsessively and your love of it in the first place, before it became unhealthy, is difficult. And it means that when you feel - finally, finally - ready to start tackling something like language learning again, you end up sorting of approaching it sideways, shiftily, as if you’re hoping to trick yourself into it. It’s a delicate thing, like a baby bird, and it’s dangerous too, because if you do everything which you did before - the only thing you know how to do - it’s not going to work. And every time it fails is personal, because being able to do it again represents getting better, and reclaiming parts of your identity mental illness stole, and it hurts.

I’m writing this post because somebody asked me about my approach to creating a successful language learning routine. And I do have a lot of thoughts - but I wanted to preface that post with this one, to say:

If you are reading this to be more productive, if it is becoming obsessive, if you want to fit the most possible language learning into the tightest schedule possible, STOP. Take care of yourself. These tips for ‘productivity’ are for people who want to learn a little bit more about organising their time, and are in the right space to add more learning to their life. If you are only defined by what many hours you get done a day, if that’s what motivates you, these tips are not for you. Look after yourself. 

And on that note, here’s a confession: I don’t have - have never had - a successful language learning routine. Because of what happened, the only way I can keep going and prevent myself from falling into bad habits is if I approach it sideways, if I pretend I’m not taking it seriously, because I know if I don’t things will go wrong. But I want to be honest and upfront because I know a lot of people read my posts for advice and say that this doesn’t work for me. It might not work for you either. I especially know there are a lot of conceptions of successful langblrs with 7, 8, 9 etc languages in the title - that that we spend 5 hours a day on Anki, fall asleep to Glossika, and so on. And it’s especially important to mention now, because I feel like my language learning habits have only started being healthy in the last year or so - essentially since I started actually enjoying Chinese media. I could teach you how to cram every spare second with language learning, or how to successfully pass an A-level in 3 months with no teachers. I was good (and arrogant, and cocky, and needed bringing down a peg or two). But I won’t.

What I do have are succesful language learning habits. Apart from being a generally more flexible appraoch for all learners, the advantage of building successful habits over a fixed routine is that it allows for learning according to different in energy levels, how busy you are, what you find difficult and what else is going on in your life. Most crucially for me is that it is always a much healthier approach, because what I do is not based on number of hours, or number of units a week, or anything quantifiable that allows me to get obsessive again or frustrated that I’m not doing enough. 

Routine is important, especially when it comes to routinising daily tasks. The only thing I have is that sometimes - on good weeks, and once or twice even shockingly on good months - I have a decent Anki streak going. That’s it. I don’t listen every day - I don’t read every day - I certainly don’t do grammar every day. There’s nothing specific I do every day, though I usually rack up a good few hours of immersion or study - to be honest, I fail at Anki probably at least 60% of the time. Everything else - all these tips I have written about - I do as and when. Framing it in such vague terms makes it sound like I must have an extraordinary amount of motivation to keep going, that maybe I’m just lucky to be interested etc, but that’s really not the case. What I have done to keep learning regularly and somewhat successfully (I hope!!) without limiting myself to a routine which I know I will starting obsessing over is tying specific language learning behaviour to certain moods or levels of concentration. 

All routine is just habit. Habit, with a ribbon and packaged nicely. But allowing yourself to adapt your learning to the circumstances gives you more flexibility than any strict routine, and is more sustainable in the long term. What building habits rather than a specific routine does is allow you to learn what works best when, what works when you’re tired, and what is best to do when you have energy, or when you want to watch a show, or talk to people. It puts you at the centre of your language learning, rather than framing language learning as a central part of you. 

So how can we build healthy habits? How can we utilise ‘dead time’ whilst keeping it light, and fun? How can we adapt our language learning for times when we are tired, and stressed? Or what about when we don’t have time to give 100% of our attention or concentration? How can we identify our own strengths, our own weaknesses, and unite these with our personal goals to figure out what to prioritise in active studying, and what to do when we don’t have the energy for that? 

I’ll give my thoughts on all of these over the next couple of weeks, in what I hope will be a comprehensive overview of how best to practice, addressing everything from how to practice speaking to how to start as a complete beginner. If you have any thoughts or interim questions, or if you’d like to add your own experience to anything I have said, please feel free to!

In the mean time - 

chenxi out. 

[drabblily]

Bad Confessions

Pairing: Bakugo Katsuki x Reader

Warnings: Cursing, of course. Fluff. 

Word Count: 2.1k

Synopsis: Y/N seems to have fallen in love with a certain hotheaded blonde, might as well confess and get rejected to move on with it, right?

A/N: First Post! Hope you enjoy <3

------

Falling in love was scary.

There was nothing gentle about it, hence the “falling” part of it. You were either all in or not in at all. You could be pushed, you could take that jump, or you could accidentally take one certain step and fall to your impeding doom.

And it was so, so fucking terrifying to you. When you fall in love there is supposed to be someone waiting for you at the bottom to catch you, that was the fortunate option. The unfortunate side was that when you fall in love, that person could move at the last second to let you splat to the ground.

You guess, that’s what made you so scared of it. That someone would move to let you die. To be manipulated. To be used like that. It scared the hell out of you.

That was probably why you never noticed the signs when you were in it. The constant checking of a text message to see if he texted you, the sweaty hands and speedy heart whenever he walked by, the overthinking about him, trying to grab his attention by looking pretty.

It was torturous and you thought nothing of it, perhaps you were going crazy, though. Because you definitely should not be feeling like this.

So, you visited the school nurse, Recovery Girl, in hopes that she would cure your unknown disease.

“Hello? Recovery Girl?” You knocked on the open door to alert her that you were there before stepping in.

The old woman turned towards you with a smile on her face, “Hello, Y/N, are you hurt?”

You gulped, fiddling with your fingers, what if she weren’t able to help you? What if it was a fatal deadly disease and you couldn’t be cured no matter what??

“Well…actually, not really. I just think I might be feeling sick and wanted to ask you for your advice on how to help me out with it?”

She patted the hospital bed she had, implying for you to take a seat, so you did.

Recovery Girl silently grabbed her thermometer, going across your forehead to see if you had a temperature. You didn’t, normal temperature. She grabbed a stick and told you to open your mouth and say, “Ahhh…” With her gloves, she felt around your throat to see if there was anything that could hint at you being ill.

Unwrapping her gloves and throwing them out, she finally spoke with that constant smile of hers, “Well I did the minimum and it doesn’t look like you are sick. You don’t have a fever or any signs of a sore throat. Are you sure you feel sick? What are your symptoms exactly?”

You furrowed your eyebrows, there was no way you couldn’t be sick. Oh my god, what if you were right. What if you were uncurable!! Leg slightly bouncing in anxiousness, you told her, “W-well, actually, I think my mind is all fuzzy. I’ve been getting urges to check my phone when we are out of class…I sometimes get really feverish around people and it feels like my stomach is twisting when around somebody…do you think a villain could’ve used their quirk on me to make me feel like this?”

Your elder slightly chuckled, as if she knew a little secret, smiling even wider with a slight tint of pink to her cheeks, “Oh dearie,” She patted your bouncing leg to calm you down, “you sound like you’re in love.”

Your eyes widened, blood rushing throughout your entire face, “What! With who?”

“With whoever you want to be around, or whoever you think about most.” She clasped her hands together, nodding her head to convince you further. You couldn’t believe it though. You? In love? Doubtful, you were a future pro-hero! You had no time for love!

The bell rung, hinting you should be at your first period class soon, “Well, dearie, you better get to class now. You know how your teacher acts when you are late.”

You numbly nodded, jumping off the hospital bed and walking out of the nurse’s room. On your way to class, you felt heavier, your mind racing with ideas of who exactly you could be “in love” with. No one came to mind. It was torturous.

Finally, you made it to class, opening the door—luckily Aizawa-Sensei wasn’t here yet—and walking to your seat. Eyes scanning the chatter filled room, you made eye contact with mean crimson eyeballs, your heart picking up pace and your tummy feeling nauseated again.

“Got somethin’ to say, damn extra!?” His rough voice asked you loudly, looking to pick a fight.

Your bottom lip quivered in realization, breaking eye contact and sitting down in your chair. You put your head on the table between your arms, “No no no no no no…him?? Really? That cannot be true, he’s an asshole for crying out loud, what is wrong with you??”

You felt a loud slam on your table, “Hey! I’m fucking talking to you, dumbass!”

Your head jolted up at the suddenness, your big eyes staring up at your crush and classmate, Bakugo in confusion and sudden fear. Your cheeks flushed and you licked your lips, feeling thirsty out of nowhere now, “I…”

You noticed a deep red dust his ears as he opened his mouth, “Nevermind.”

Heart skipping a beat at his unexpected calmness, your eyes trailed his body as he stomped away to his chair with a slouch in his posture.

You felt a tap on your right shoulder, your close friend, Mina leaning over to whisper to you, “Bakugo’s never that nice to anyone, he’s totally got the hots for you!!” She squealed in excitement.

You choked on your air, sputtering out words, “N-No! I doubt that’s it, he probably just didn’t want to deal with Aizawa-sensei, he could’ve walked in at any second after all…”

The pink alien playfully punched your shoulder whilst giggling, “Hah! Yeah right, he doesn’t care if he gets in trouble, he totally has a crush on you, I can tell!”

You opened your mouth to respond when your teacher walked in with a ‘dead inside’ expression plastered onto his face, the entire class going silent so they wouldn’t get in trouble.

----

Ever since you found out your crush on your hotheaded classmate two weeks ago, you’ve done your best to avoid him as well as possible. No eye contact, no walking near each other, no talking—which meant also doing your best to not piss him off so you wouldn’t have an excuse to talk to one another. You did whatever you could in hopes of your stupid crush on him to fade away.

But nothing was working. So, you could only come to one reasonable conclusion.

Confess to him. You knew rejection was coming and you just wanted to get it over with so you could wallow in self pity instead.

Maybe that’s why you were here, standing in front of Bakugo Katsuki’s door, a rather large lump caught in your throat as you raised your hand to knock on the door. Swallowing it down, your fist quivered, hesitating to actually knock.

You couldn’t do this. It was way too nerve wracking and you were too much of a coward to actually do it. Placing your hand back down to your side in defeat, you pressed your head on the wall next to his door with a sigh.

“Why can’t I just tell him…” You murmured to yourself, looking down at your hands, imagining his rough ones holding yours. Which was stupid, considering it would never happen, you told yourself, pushing the silly daydreams away.

“What the fuck did you just say, damn extra?”

The sudden voice made you yelp, jumping away only to trip on your own foot and fall straight onto your ass. You groaned at the impact your palms and butt just got, both in extreme pain. You brought your hands up to your line of sight, inspecting how they were red and felt like it burned.

The man above you clicked his tongue in frustration before offering you his hand, “Dumbass. How did you hurt yourself from that?”

“I...” You started, grabbing his hand hesitantly; staring at your hands connected made blood rush to your face, “You scared me. I didn’t see you there.”

The blond snorted, “Idiot. How are you going to become a hero if you just jump from hearing my voice.” He mocked, narrowing his eyes at you before tugging you up and off the ground.

You flushed, reluctantly pulling your hand away from his to cover your face in embarrassment, “Shut up…”

“What the fuck are you doing in this hall anyways?”

“I just, um, you see…”

“Spit it out already, idiot.”

You peeked through your fingers, making eye contact with him, and taking a deep breath, “I just…wanted to tell you something.”

Bakugo crossed his arms—which you couldn’t help but admire how his muscles tensed and moved—raising one annoyed eyebrow at you to signify to continue.

Okay. You had to do this now or never. If you didn’t do it now, youd be a failure, a disgrace. Maybe rejection was what you needed! Maybe if he rejected you, your feelings for the hothead would dissipate and you could focus on more important things, like being a hero. Not fantasizing what kissing your classmate would feel like in the middle of a test.

‘Okay, just spit it out. You can do this’ You told yourself, putting your hands together and gulping.

“Alright, just listen,” You glanced towards him, seriously, hoping he wouldn’t interrupt you until you got your words out so you wouldn’t feel like a fool midway, “I, well to put it simply, I think…I think I like you, a lot. And its terrifying because ive never felt this way about anyone before. But I know you don’t feel the same way, so…please—”

Before you knew what was happening, Bakugo pushed forward, uncrossing his arms to grab ahold of you.

This was different. A lot different than how you expected.

Soft lips captured yours, passionately. You froze up, your mind going haywire trying to figure out what the fuck is happening right now. You noticed two things, does this mean he liked you back? It had to be right? That thought made you dizzy, there was no way this man liked you back. Bakugo fucking Katsuki, no way.

The man in question pulled away, taking note of your flustered expression, smirking at it waiting for you to speak again.

You reached up to touch your lips, still unbelieving that just happened. The second thing you notice was that his lips, oh god. They were heaven. You expected them to be chapped, rough, but it was far from it. Of course! This man would be perfect like this, after all he did seem like one to take care of himself.

Suddenly snapping up to your senses, your eyes widened, “W-what was that!? I said not to interrupt me!”

Katsuki snickered, “Seriously? I just fucking kissed you and you’re thinking about how I interrupted your stupid confession?”

“N-no! The kiss was nice!” His smirk widened. “No! It wasn’t nice, that’s not what I meant! Well, it was nice, I mean I liked it of course! B-but—”

“You’re stupidly cute when you ramble, you know?”

Your breath hitched before reaching over to smack his arm for teasing you, his strong hand catching your wrist and tugging you into his arms, his free hand coming to grip your waist.

“Stop teasing me!” You whined, struggling against his grip to leave your embarrassment.

“Hell no. Its fun to see your expressions when I do.” Bakugo grinned, his grip tightening for a second, “Your confession was ass though.”

You placed your head on his chest, squeezing your eyes shut. You knew it was bad, but he didn’t have to point it out for crying out loud!

You felt the pressure on your wrist disappear only for it to show up on your chin, “Hey, look at me.” His vermillion eyes surprisingly gentle, his tongue coming out to lick his lips.

You were the one to lean in this time, tilting your chin up to kiss him, after all, you didn’t exactly reciprocate it when he did. However, Bakugo immediately responded, his mouth moving against yours with a passion.

After what seemed like an eternity to you—which in reality was about thirty or so seconds—you pulled away, speechless and breathless.

His forehead leaned against yours, his eyes snapping open to make eye contact with you, “I like you too dummy, don’t forget it.”

[ivyuns]

landing in my heart: secret

han jisung

genre: angst 

word count: 2.6k

warnings: lost in north korea, violence, mentions of chopping a head off, military stuff, mentions of car accidents, weapons, mentions of ending life and disorders (at the end), grammer mistakes, if i missed anything, lmk :)

part two of landing in my heart

landing in my heart information

2001

“y/n, choose your future!”

from that day, you always made the right choices. looking in front of you, you saw items which predicted your future by grabbing an item. instead of an item, you grabbed your fathers hand.

till that day on, you successfully opened your own fashion store. cutting the ribbon for your grand opening.

now that you heard jisung telling you to take the right path, you went to the other way. the night when jisung pulled you and hid you in his chest, you looked up in shock.

“oh my. i cant believe we met again”

“i thought you left”

you start flirting with jisung to get your way with him. smiling while jisung stares at you. ‘should i just kill her’ jisung thinks.

the following morning, you wake up and see yourself in the mirror. face full of marks and cuts. grabbing a cup of water and pour it into the bucket, you clean your face. “its okay, you’ll get through this yoon y/n”

as youre telling yourself to calm down in the bathroom, jisung makes you breakfast. “i-i dont know what you guys do but we usually give the host the first bite” you said, giving jisung a spoonful of the food, he stares at you.

“what wrong?” you asked. jisung sighs and crosses his arms. “are you concerned of whats in the food? because its poisonous?” putting the spoon back onto the food, you gave you. “im sorry if i offended you. but please do understand why im acting like this. wouldnt it be ridiculous for me to be trusting someone at this point?”

“hm, i guess youre right” lifting you head, you smiled. “see! i was correct-” “but you made an emergency landing at the DMZ while flying an unpowered aircraft on a windy day. right as the electric wires were working, you crossed it and came to a military housing area. ill sound crazy to believe someone like you”

“dont tell me youre suspecting me, thinking im a - spy. in fact i believe people are looking for me considered im famous down there” you paused, “one everyone knows im here, the south korean government, military authorites, and the UN wont stay still” jisung nods his head in agreement. “then, nobody should know youre here. i wont tell them”

jisung stands up and gathers your plate. hearing a knock, you look at jisung as he goes and looks who is here.

looking outside the gate, he sees hyunjin outside. “ah, captain han. i didnt know you went home early so i looked everywhere for you. so i knew you were home when i saw smoke from the chimney” hyunjin says and goes inside jisungs house without permission.

“oh and good news. about that south korean girl-” “listen she’s” “shes dead!” hyunjin laughs. “i know youre shocked too because i am too! there was an accident on the mountain and reporters said there was a young woman there” jisung shakes his head, “no thats not it hyung-” “aye, if im wrong then you can chop off my head” jisung nods his head and leads hyunjin back to the gate “wait let me use the bathroom real quick”

as both of the boys went to the entry way of the house, hyunjin takes off his shoes and talks about you. as he takes his shoes off, you went to lean on the door frame. hyunjin turns around and gets scared of seeing to woman he was talking about.

“how do you chop someone’s head off? ive never done it before” you spoke. with hyunjin’s mind going everywhere, he manages to speak to jisung. “c-captain han, whats going on here?” after realization, you realized he was the one who tried to shoot you. “y-you. it was you! you shoot the bullet at me!”

settling down, jisung rubs his temples as you tried to explain hyunjin that youre not a spy. “do you have trouble understanding or something?” “captain, do you have a shovel i can borrow?” you explain everything that had happened when you ran away, hyunjin gets scared and sits next to jisung.

moments later, another knock comes from jisung’s gates. opening the gate, he sees seungmin, felix and jeongin with food and drinks. “captain han! did you hear the news? the one with the young lady-” “thats not true” jisung cuts off felix.

“you must be jeongin” you called out. jeongin turns around and sees you. “yes, and who are you?” crossing your arms and leaning on the door frame, “i heard you might face a dishonored discharge. that means youll lose the job that you really need” you told him with a scared hyunjin next to you. “i-i thought she died!” jeongin screams and turns to the other two men next to him.

“and ah! youre felix! so tell me, which kdramas did you watch before leaving the post?” you pointed your finger at him. “stairway to heaven” felix answers. “ah thats a pretty old one. its the one with jiwoo and sangwoo right? im close to them, they live a few houses away from me” “is that true?!” felix smiles as seungmin tells him to stop.

telling everybody to come inside to talk, you demand them to take you back where you first landed in north korea. “im afraid we cant do that” jisung answers. “captain han, just let her be. let her get fried in the fences and say ‘so this is how the fences feels like’ if she’ll ever learn” hyunjin laughs out. giving a death glare at him, he stops laughing and puts on a straight face.

“basically, we cant go back to the post because we finished our job for two months and cant return there for a few months” jisung continues. “but you have a choice; i take you to the state security department. they may let you go home. or you stay here but heres a few rules. one, dont talk to us. and two, dont leave the house until we get you back home” jisung finishes. “my dad does a boat-to-boat. where a small boat goes to the international oceans and meets up with the bigger boats to another country” felix tells you.

nodding your head and agreeing with the second choice, the boys goes and makes you food since you were begging them to give you meat. after the food is done, you all eat as jisung steps back. “we must return to our post after this” jisung speaks out. “what? so i have to be alone now?” you exclaimed. “yah, do you just expect captain han to just stay here with you?” hyunjin jokes. “if you need anything thats urgent, press 8 on the cell phone and ill answer it in the outerpost”

instead of calling him for emergencies, you only called him, asking silly stuff. asking wheres the body wash, shampoo, and conditioner and wheres the candles, he responds with the bar of soap. you then call him how to take a bath since theres no modern showers inside his house. “you need to fill up the bucket with hot water. then take the tarp and hang it up with the clothes pin above the bucket. make sure to tuck the tarp under the bucket so theres no airflow. youll have your shower after that”

doing what jisung told you, you were surprised on how they lived. finally finishing, you went in the bucket after taking your clothes off. “ah this feels nice”

jisung, who was still in the office, got another phone call. “what is it now- ah master sergeant, whats the matter?” jisung answers to the sergeant. “its about the tomb raiders. they were killed in an accident on the mountain” jisung quickly hangs up and goes to the security state department and tell cheolgang.

he shows his military id to enter the place before the other military men opens the gate for jisung. as he goes to the room that cheolgang is in, he tells him what happened. “yes, i know what happen. but what can we do” cheolgang asks. “i believe there needs to be an investigation. what car did they crash into? was it on accident or on purpose? if it was on purpose, who was behind this? and why accidents like this keeps happening. so im asking if i can look into it” jisung says. cheolgang nods his head “go ahead. you should go to the headquaters in pyongyang tomorrow morning and get more information” he answers. jisung gets up and leaves.

the senior coloniel, who was next to cheolgang the whole time, asks cheolgang whats going to happen now. “dont worry about it, we hired somebody since hes responsible for a billion won scheme”

china.

minseok and his bodyguard enters the hotel where theyre supposed to meet someone. after finding the person, they talk about how minseok should be safe in north korea after passing through the other countries without being caught by sehyeong. minseok signs the contact and goes to his new home in north korea with extra protection.

back in north korea in the village, the kids were playing outside as you were still hidden in jisungs place. the mothers came out and gather their kids since it was dark and late and was now time for dinner. however, upil didnt leave until his dad showed up.

as manbok calls his son’s name, upil goes and hugs him and enters their house with upil’s favorite donut.

meanwhile in jisung’s house, you finished your bath and the lights go out. “whats going on? havent i had enough suprises today?”

the whole village had a blackout and you were scared. making your way to the telephone, you called jisung. only to be declined. you were hearing noises and you felt like you were going to be caught soon. closing the blinds, the noises were getting clearer.

grabbing the nearest item to hit the intruder, you were stopped as you saw jisungs face. tears threatened to spilled as your emotions came down are you. “why are you here” you said, lowering the item. “you said you needed a candle” jisung grabs the candle from the bag and gives it to you. “you said you needed it when you took a bath and when you sleep” “thats just a candle. i need a scented one” more tears spilled and jisung takes the item out of your hand.

“im sorry, you probably feel frustrated right now. but i just cant believe what im going through right now” sobs left your mouth as jisung guilty.

ranting to jisung about your problems back in south korea, you couldnt help but spill more tears. feeling frustrated at yourself back then, you felt bad for jisung since you were just crying in front of him. jisung puts his finger on the flame of the candle that was on. “there, i cant see you anymore” jisung reassures you that everything will be okay soon. he gets up and grabs his hat. “where are you going?” “i need to get on a train in the morning to pyongyang” he answers

“i dont know when ill be back so i might not see you when you leave. but my comrades will help you get on the boat in a few days. heres some things i bought that you needed” jisung says and hands you a bag and leaves the house. you open the door before he could leave.

“excuse me, but what is your name? i want to remember it to return the favor later” “you dont have to, there was no favor in the beginning. so its better to not remember it. and as i said before, dont tell anyone about this when you go back” nodding your head, jisung leaves the place.

going back inside, you open the bag and its full of the stuff you asked for earlier. looking at every product, you realize its from south korea. everything that you needed was in the bag, including undergarments and medicine for your cut.

jisung arrives pyongyang. hes then stopped for an investigation. jisung is led to a torture room to be questioned about the robbers. myeongseok enters the room and sees jisung being yelled at throught the glass window. he barges into the room and kicks the person who was asking jisung questions and aggravating him. “what are you doing? this is the directors son” myeongseok yells at the person, who is shocked.

myeogseok apolgizes to jisung and leads him somewhere to let jisung tell him what he needs to know.

the person who was just yelled at calls cheolgang and tells him that jisung is the directors son of general politics and gets angry.

later the night, jisung and myeongseok are talking about how jisung was to investigate into the car accident recently. “do you perhaps think this accidents was like your brothers?” jisung thinks to what myeongseok ask, and realizes the accident could be like his brothers. the same truck that ran into his brothers car and the others that the trucks ran into.

after company five visited you, they came back to the military zone to get some rest. they happened to see cheolgang leaving the place and quickly straightens up and salutes him. “fifth company, where are you guys coming from?” cheolgang asks. “from fixing the pump in out captains house sir” hyunjin replies. “ hes in pyongyang so good job”

“yes sir. may i ask where youre heading sir” seungmin asks. “lately were have lots of runaways so im going to run random house inspections today” “tonight sir?” hyunjin asks. cheolgang nods and felix starts hiccuping. “whats wrong with him?” “nothing sir. we missed what was in front of us, therefore the runaways must be in the military base. i believe that is a wise plan sir” hyunjin responds quickly. cheolgang nods and tells them to hurry inside and get some sleep.

they quickly go inside and hyunjin calls jisung as seungmin makes sure nobody is coming inside the room theyre in. “captain han, theyre doing random house inspections tonight. but we told the south korean woman not to answer any phone calls. so theyres no way to tell her” hyunjin tells jisung. jisung then hangs up and asks myeongseok for a favor.

jisung quickly drives back to the village as cheolgang arrives in front of jisungs house since is was the next house on the list. seeing the lights on, he doesnt believe that jisung is back from pyongyang.

looking through jisungs stuff, you look into a book that seems familiar. opening the book, you see an application form. “i swear i saw this face before” you were disturbed by your thoughts when you heard knocking. “captain han jisung! were here for house inspecting!” putting everything away, you hid in jisungs kimchi cellar, which was underground. cheolgang unlocks the gate and finds jisung as he sees the cellar’s blanket off of the door.

opening the door, the investigators finds you and clucks their guns. as youre forced to get off of jisungs property, everyones asking you questions as your hands are up in defense and silent. “it doesnt matter. once shes at the state security department, these muted people will talk” cheolgang says.

as a bright light flashes through, everyone stops and looks at the car in front of them. jisung stops the car and gets out to walk towards you and cheolgang. cheolgang suddenly aims his gun at you as tears fell.

“what are you doing to my fiancee?”

“what did you just say?”

“i would appreciate if you put the gun away from my fiancee”

additional ending:

location: switzerland

“its invalidation in our institute regulations, im sorry” the woman tells you after your request. “but why? i heard i can end my life here sure i have no physical pain, but i feel extraordinary pain in my mind. depression, panic disorder, eating disorder, insomnia, what all do i have to name? ” you questioned.

“we always recommend the sight seeing of switzerland to our visitors. most of our visitors change their minds after sight seeing. i dont know why you want to end it, but im sure youll be one of them”

after doing what the woman had told you, you went to visit a place where you can paraglide. amazed at how amazing paragliding looked, a guy stopped right next to you, admiring the view with you.

[f33itan]

💛⚜️Pᴀʀᴛ 1: Tᴏʀᴛᴜʀᴇ ɪs Gᴏʟᴅᴇɴ⚜️💛 (From my Wattpad)

A/N: Ok, this was something a mutual of mine said here on Tumblr, and I decided to write a oneshot about it. Might be very VERY slight angst, nothing bad enough to actually be put under that umbrella though, anyways, enjoy this, and ty for the reads! :)

CW: MENTIONS OF RAPE, DEGRADATION, AND MORE FOUL WORDS THAN USUAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

B/N: Your Mother's boyfriend's name

M/N: Mother's name

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

"Oi, Y/N! Go get me another pack of beer from the store!"

"Yes father!" Damn that pig looking bitch. I'm just some fucking girl, trying to protect her mom from this demon of a person! Heck, he's not EVEN a person! He's the devil himself!! Man, I wish dad was here...

When you were in about 7th grade, your real father got killed in a massacre a couple cities over. He was not only a police officer, but a great father and husband as well. He treated you and your mother amazingly, and you thought life couldn't get anymore perfect, but soon that all went down hill. After his death, your mother's health depleted and she felt empty inside. She needed somebody else to make her complete. She decided to call an old friend from high school, and next thing you know he moved in. He seemed like a nice guy at first, but soon enough he was beating you guys mercilessly, enough to leave large bruises and scars whenever you didn't do exactly what he asked, in your eyes though, it was more of an order. You hated being ordered around, but you hated your mother getting beaten around even more. It seemed like a blessing that he hasn't tried to rape her, but god knows what he'll do, he's unpredictable

With all of this happening, you decided to tell him you were doing some "extra curricular" classes in college, but what you were actually doing was taking the Hunter's Exam and learning nen. Your biological father was kind-hearted and fun to be around, but he was also strict and sometimes a bit harsh, though he always meant well. Before his passing, all three of you would go out on the weekends to train, exercise, or do something that would enhance your body power and brain power. Because of this, all of you were exceptionally smart, and bodies all well toned. Sometimes your excursions would be going to a park and practicing a sport, driving to the snow and sledding, skiing, snowboarding, and every once in a while going to another state to zip line, try animal encounters, or take a family friendly class in that state's heritage and customs.

Since you were accustomed to hard core training and events, you thought the Hunter's Exam was quite fun, and was a test to your skills. After that, you were scouted out by a strong nen user by the name of Biscuit Krueger. You and her had lots of fun training, and with her pushing your limits to the utmost best, you turned out to be a specialist.

(Whenever I imagine myself in Hunter x Hunter, this is always my nen type and stuff LMAO)

Your power was called, Black shadow. You could have up to 10 weapons on hand, completely subjected to doing your bidding. These weapons were linked to you through blood, and they were surrounded with a substance that appeared to be black mist. The weapons you most preferred to practice with and use were your katana, blood string, and scythe. You could also make a weapon yours by cutting a fingertip and letting the blood drip onto the weapon, altering the appearance then gaining that black "mist", showing that it was now yours. The downside to this technique was that those "shadows and mist remnants" were your sleep. The darkness in your mind and the shadows all around you were taken and used for that power. In turn, you were always tired, yawning, and had bags under your eyes. Another plus side though was that you had a nen created chamber that had every weapon you owned. A girl can have some fun toys, can't she? You had tools for torture (whenever you took an opportunity to try it), many varieties of weapons, and of course, more snacks. But unlike B/N, you didn't have just fatty snacks. You had regeneration potions, healthy snacks, and special nen created "snacks" to help with different things, which all of these you had collected through pulling some strings. Your mother was worried, but you said it was all just college things. Yeah, just college things..

Ill make that pig bitch pay for what he has done to my mother!

Feitan POV -or whats going on with him- :

"What time, is it.."

"8 AM Fei!"

"Shut up, green eyes, too loud."

"Oh Fei don't be rude! It's mean!"

"That's, the point."

"Oh wait, Shalnark, what this?"

"What do you mean?"

"This... gold string?"

"OI SHALNARK, FEITAN, COME ERE' REAL QUICK!"

"Phinks, what, do you, want-" Phinks just ignored his question and pointed to the TV.

This is Channel 12, reporting live from York New City Town Square. People all over the city are claiming to be seeing a string tied to their left ring finger, leading them to some unknown destination! What is this string? Who put it there?-

"AY AY IM ON TV! THE STRING THINGY JUST LEAD ME TO THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL AND NOW WERE DATING! SUPER AWESOME!"-

I apologize for the interference, but this string appears t be leading people to.. partners? Soulmates? Find out tomorrow morning, this is Amy Starwick from Channel 12, signing out.

"What. The. FUCK."

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOODNESS HOLY SHIT FEITAN YOU HAVE A SOULMATE!!"

"Nope-"

"YESS YOU DOOOOOOO"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CHEERY BITCH-"

"No❤️" Since Feitan was on his last nerve with Shalnark, he decided to stomp over towards Chrollo in the main room, but Chrollo just chuckled.

"Wanna go find your soulmate? See if that things real?" Feitan just stared at the ground, lightly shifting his feet.

"Go ahead, I don't mind."

"Just, doing it, out of, curiosity."

"Mhm, curiosity, go find them." And with that, he was dismissed. Feitan wanted to say it was curiosity, but deep down he had this feeling there was something else, but what was it? It made his stomach tingle and he didn't like it one bit. He tried to ignore all of this, and just shrugged it off...

꧁꧂꧁꧂TimeSkip to Next Day꧁꧂꧁꧂

Your POV + some Feitan POV:

"Alright, today's the day, he'll be at his work, and on his break, i'll set the plan in motion.." Both me and mom don't like him, and I don't know about her, but I sure hate him, every ounce of him. The plan is simple: 1. Capture mom's boyfriend, 2. Take him to an abandoned building, 3. Torture him and get all of the answers I need, and 4. Kill him. His break is at 12, and he usually goes to get takeout every other Friday, what a pig. I'll give him a taste of his own medicine.

Time: 11:30 AM

Ok, I have everything ready. Fully energized to the utmost extent, Elixirs to bring him back in case he passes out too early, and- what? He's leaving for lunch early? PERFECT! You ran behind some buildings and hid in a two-way alleyway, waiting for him to pass by...

Here we go..

One..

Two..

THREE!

You covered his head with a sack, and took his phone out of his back pocket. Before heading over to your post, you laced the inside of the sack with some sleeping powder and pressed it against his nose and mouth. Within moments he passed out, and you typed in what you hoped to be his password, which was correct. Around 12:30, you were going to text one of his coworkers that he would be "going to a restaurant across town, and ditching work for a day, not wanting to see his stupid good for nothing girlfriend or his dumb daughter." You knew he called you both this because of going through his text messages when he wasn't looking or when he was sleeping. Little did you know that somebody was watching you from afar.

"Hmm... So, she, my, what do people, call it.. soulmate? Seems, interesting..."

Time: 12:00 PM

"Jesus, I new he was a fat ass but I didn't know he weighed this much!" You were tugging him from his legs through the back ways of York New. You wanted to find a secluded area, where once you were done with him you could just toss him somewhere for the birds and maggots to eat. After walking for what seemed like hours, you came across a set of abandoned buildings, specifically the one you laid out some extra things. A couple extra weapons, some towels, a change of clothes, a chair and some rope, a couple of flashlights, and of course, some snacks. Lucky for you, the douchebag you've been dragging around like a rag doll was still out cold, so you picked him up and tossed him on the chair, tying his wrists, ankles and neck to the chair.

"Maaannn, this is boring!! When the hell are you gonna wake up?!" As if on queue, you saw his eyes start to flutter open, and you immediately grabbed your box cutter. It wasn't a weapon used by your nen, but it was quite effective.

"What.. who.. wait- Y/N!? WHAT THE FUCK?! UNTIE ME NOW BEFORE I BEAT YOUR ASS!!" you didn't notice it, but Feitan was watching from the building over.

What, the fuck? Why she kidnap him? That pig? Why? Confusing, gotta keep, watching.

You shoved the box cutter into his left cheek, and you bathed in the glory of hearing his screams of pain.

"How does this feel, you bitch? Everything you've done to my dear mother, everything you've done to me, and heck, YOU WERE PROBABLY BEHIND MY DAD'S MURDER DURING THAT FUCKING MASSACRE!!" B/N noticed the tears in your eyes, and took this to his advantage.

"So what if I was? Both of your parents were pathetic anyways."

"NO THEY AREN'T! YOU'RE THE REASON WHY MY MOTHER'S LIKE THIS NOW! YOUR THE FUCKING REASON FOR EVERYTHING SHITTY THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME!!"

"Heh, hehe.. hahaHAHAHA! YOU KNOW GOD DAMNED WELL THAT ALL OF YOU ARE PATHETIC! WANNA KNOW WHY I GOT WITH YOUR MOM!? BECAUSE SHES HOT. AND SHE HAD GOOD MONEY FROM YOUR FUCKING DAD. YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO?! YOU KNOW WHY I TOOK OFF EARLY TODAY?! I WAS GONNA RAPE YOUR MOTHER AND MAKE YOU WATCH, THEN KILL BOTH OF YOU AND RUN OFF WITH ALL OF YOUR MONEY!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S IRONIC?! I DON'T HAVE ONE. SINGLE. FUCKING. REGRET. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR DAD, YOU SOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE NERVE TO DO THIS, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED!!"

You couldn't handle this anymore, tears were falling down your face rapidly as you grabbed the duct tape and closed his mouth shut.

"I don't give a fuck about what you say.. I'm going to kill you here. This is your grave. Someday, I'll join you in hell, and when I do, I'll torture you again, and the Devil will laugh. You just watch and ducking wait you, you.. PATHETIC WORTHLESS PIG ASS SLOPPY ASS NASTU FUCKING BITCH!" With that, you grabbed a couple super worms in each hand and shoved them into his ears. Even with the duct tape, you could hear his screams of agony as the worms dug deeper into his ears. You then got our your katana and slashed him across the stomach, and shoved even more worms into that open wound of his. Quickly, you poured a large bottle of the elixir you had brought over him to keep him from dying so quickly. Box cutter still in hand, you carved small lines all over his arms and legs, then ripped off the tape to hear his desperate cries. You imagined he wanted to be dead, but you didn't care. His pain and you pain mixed together and you just started laughing. You through your head back and let yourself laugh. all of the pain this man has caused you and your mom will be repayed today.

But the pressure and stress was too much to handle. Your laughing of victory soon turned into screams and more tears, as you let yourself fall to the ground, not even noticing you didn't hit it hard, something had caught you, or someone..

What the shit am I doing?

Am I really going to kill him?

What's wrong with me?

What will mother think?

What would dad do?

What am I doing with my life?

You soon snapped out of all of those negative thoughts though, as you noticed something caressing your face lightly.

"Rest, now. He, won't die, so quickly. I'm, Feitan." You were a sniffling and crying mess, so all you could do was rush into Feitan's chest and cry. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around you and held you close. He had no idea what he was doing, for he had only seen this kind of skin on skin contact in movies. So, he did what those people in the movies did.

"Don't, worry... It's all, going to be.. okay."

Word Count (Including author notes, etc) : 2251

-Wrote February 3, 2021-

Unedited sorry about that lol-

Part 1...

[raagaspeaks]

Naked Emotions and Silent Cries

“So how many brothers and sisters do you have?”

That one question. I stumble. I still do, if I’m honest, but it’s a quick, dull thud of emotion compared to the raging, blood-draining torrent it used to evoke in me.

The answer is always the same, two brothers. ‘Oh what are they doing now?’, the next question arrives. The whispers in the background are the hardest. A sad gloomy voice overpowers and screams in me for the answers (and the reasons why I can't give them...).

Grief. Pain. Hearbreak. Shock. Loss. Anxiety. Panic attacks... its has been there. One after the other. Learning to deal with it , all at once ever since.

In the midst of the birth of a new year, most of us are celebrating, hoping for a better year. Looking forward for blessings. I wish you all well. But as for me the last new year, on 01.01.2020 was the darkest for me & my family. Every new year will never be the same, ever again. I lost my dear brother.

Some of you might already know what happened, some might know half of the story. I have poured my heart to some of you. Thank you all for still being there. But today there was a need for this to be spoken again. To tell you the truth, I was lost. I completely shut myself. Social media was my saviour. Memes, posts gave some sort of life I guess. I have been drained trying to be there for my family, being the eldest, it was extra.

Since its been a year, and yeah its 01.01.2021. The grieve has been awakened again. As if I am back to square one. It still feels somewhat surreal. This is not story that I want to share only for my brother, but for all those struggling. This is for all whom are fighting a silent battle. Hard.

My brother was stressed out with a number of things. I can't name one. It was something I acknowledged but others might failed to. Believe me, He was an amazing son, great friend, wonderful brother. More than that he was a carefree soul. He was always against oppression, advocate for depression. A star in his Uni. A reporter. But, I am convinced that there were more to the untold stories in which he hid behind his carefree smiles. I guess things escalated quickly in his mental health. But, living in a judgemental society & traditional family its a struggle. He was different & Life was unpredictable. The consequences were high.

My brother took his own life on the 1st of January 2020 at 4a.m. in which I found him only at 1pm in his room. He was just 21. He was supposed to fly to UK on 21.01.2020 for further studies. It was on new years night. Who knew? No one saw this coming. I mean who will! No signs. Nothing.I still blame myself till date for not checking up on him that night. It kills me every day. I pray that no one should go through what I went through that day. Its an image stuck in my memories that I will bring up to my grave.

Typing this, waves of emotions colliding my thoughts. "What do i tell when tell others when they ask? It still hurts to call out his name. Especially since both my brothers share the same last names. Roobhan. How do i talk about this? Its was not an accident. It was not something physical too." The answer was Mental Health. A common word used in today's generation. I have always acknowledged it as a disease.

My brother was the one that taught me. He was always advocating against suicide. He always acknowledged the fact that Depression is similar to any physical condition. If you can't see it, it does not mean that it doesn't exist. Never even in my wildest dream had the thought of experiencing it personally, loosing a dear loved one, the very person whom fought against all of this in the first place.

With all this grief, I beg you today to speak your heart out. If you are battling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, sucidal thoughts or any form of mental health, please seek help. Professionally. Remember It's Not Your fault if somebody calls you a burden. Its never you. Its them. There is No Shame in asking help or Reaching out.

As for the rest, please STOP being judgemental. LISTEN before you talk. All they need is a caring heart & a listening ear. Do not assume, define your own definitions of stress. Mental illness is a disease! Just like any fevers, headaches etc. Acknowledge that. If there is anyone that takes a step, comes forward to share anything to you, be open minded & Listen. Stop telling them that they are Weak or blame them by saying that that they are seeking attention. If a person opens up to you & still tries to be there for you as well despite all the hardships they are battling with, trust me they are the bravest people you will ever meet.

As for my brother....There were times when he was alone. No where to go and no place to call home. He didn't want to be lonely. To my lost boy. I hope you finally found your Neverland. 

💔 Lost Boy- Ruth B

[johannestevans]

Livetweeting Hook & Smee in Barrie’s Peter Pan: Part One

Going from the Gutenberg edition for copy and paste ease. 

I’m gonna be separating this into parts because I get long-winded when talking about how I love these piratical homos, but I just want to state for the record in case you’ve never read Peter Pan before and think that you might want to based off of these two, like... 

Fair warning, Peter Pan was published at the beginning of the 20th century, and it is racist as fuck, particularly with anti-Black sentiment and some nasty stuff about Native Americans. The latter is not as bad as it is in the Disney adaptation, where they actually added in a lot of extra racism, but it’s still present.

With that said, I was raised on Peter Pan, and the queer vibes and gender vibes from the fairies were really positive for me, and I do still love it - what I don’t want is anyone to think “oh, this book Peter Pan looks fun” and then getting a gut punch when it has That Shit. The book is honestly not all that great, and Peter Pan himself is a violent serial killer and abuser disguised as an eight-year-old, so if you want to give Peter Pan a pass, you absolutely should.

So, first, their introductions!

...and the Irish bo'sun Smee, an oddly genial man who stabbed, so to speak, without offence, and was the only Non-conformist in Hook's crew...

I love Smee... so much. I love that he stabs without offence - Hook is very regularly described as evil and intimidating and scary, whereas Smee is constantly established as this kindly-looking uncle figure who is going to disembowel you with charm, and yes, that’s absolutely a contrast I have firmly internalised and that shows up regularly in my own work.

In the midst of them, the blackest and largest in that dark setting, reclined James Hook, or as he wrote himself, Jas. Hook, of whom it is said he was the only man that the Sea-Cook feared. He lay at his ease in a rough chariot drawn and propelled by his men, and instead of a right hand he had the iron hook with which ever and anon he encouraged them to increase their pace. As dogs this terrible man treated and addressed them, and as dogs they obeyed him.

This isn’t actually the initial introduction of Hook in the book - he’s initially talked about in conversation between Peter and the Darlings, where Michael just bursts into tears at the mere mention of the man.

Hook is terrifying, not just to children, but to his crew, who he kills so casually - there’s a lot to be said about why Hook is so frightening, because it isn’t just how easily violent he is, but his comfort in commanding others. Hook is a posh cunt who went to Eton, so he obviously lacks a soul in the way that people like that do, but conducts himself as though he’s the centre of the universe, and uses that to intimidate.

In person he was cadaverous [dead looking] and blackavized [dark faced], and his hair was dressed in long curls, which at a little distance looked like black candles, and gave a singularly threatening expression to his handsome countenance. His eyes were of the blue of the forget-me-not, and of a profound melancholy, save when he was plunging his hook into you, at which time two red spots appeared in them and lit them up horribly.

Someone get a Ouija board and tell Barrie that there are ways to describe scary people that don’t involve pointing out how “dark” they are, Christ

ANYWAY, I do think it’s interesting that Barrie presents the guy as looking like a corpse, while also being like “he was a bit of a ride though, like, he was handsome”. I’m also just... so obsessed with Hook’s eyes, because Hook is consistently described throughout the book - as well as in the good adaptations, like Hook (1991) - as being a man utterly consumed by depression, anxiety, and doubt. Like, he’s this deeply sad, unhappy man, and I’m obsessed with the idea that you can see that when you look in his eyes - the only time it seems like he feels anything other than crushing emptiness is when he’s killing somebody.

Sexy!

In manner, something of the grand seigneur still clung to him, so that he even ripped you up with an air, and I have been told that he was a RACONTEUR [storyteller] of repute. He was never more sinister than when he was most polite, which is probably the truest test of breeding; and the elegance of his diction, even when he was swearing, no less than the distinction of his demeanour, showed him one of a different cast from his crew.

“He was posh which, as you understand, reader, means that he was a monster and a sadist, and he was at his scariest when he was at his poshest.”

A man of indomitable courage, it was said that the only thing he shied at was the sight of his own blood, which was thick and of an unusual colour. In dress he somewhat aped the attire associated with the name of Charles II, having heard it said in some earlier period of his career that he bore a strange resemblance to the ill-fated Stuarts; and in his mouth he had a holder of his own contrivance which enabled him to smoke two cigars at once. But undoubtedly the grimmest part of him was his iron claw.

I’m obsessed with the double cigar thing. Like, you know how Cruella de Vil’s whole thing is that she has her cigarette on one of those long cigarette holders? I wish that Hook’s insane two-pronged cigar smoker was as iconic a part of his character design as that is of hers, because it’s genuinely so funny and so unnecessary and also just...

Imagine how depressed you must be as a man to need that much fucking nicotine and tar in your lungs on one inhalation.

Hook fainting over his own blood, iconic, love it; Hook dressing himself in his red brocade and his long coats and with his calves on show because some guy one time told him he looked like a Stuart? Incredible. Adore it. Hook is literally a theatre kid with no self esteem to speak of.

Let us now kill a pirate, to show Hook's method. Skylights will do. As they pass, Skylights lurches clumsily against him, ruffling his lace collar; the hook shoots forth, there is a tearing sound and one screech, then the body is kicked aside, and the pirates pass on. He has not even taken the cigars from his mouth.

Such is the terrible man against whom Peter Pan is pitted. Which will win?

So this post is meant to be about Hook and Smee, not about Peter Pan, but I do want it said that while this is obviously a very horrible thing to do, especially because Hook killed Skylights for no reason than he messed his clothes up, Peter Pan traffics small children to Neverland and slaughters them in the woods, offscreen, when they’re too big to fit in his clubhouse anymore.

Tragically, huge spoiler, Peter Pan does win.

Anyway, ensues a description of stuff that doesn’t matter, and then the pirates find the hideout of the Lost Boys (Peter’s club of soon-to-be-lifeless-children), and the Lost Boys scatter, and the pirates want to find them so they can kill them, especially Peter.

“Shall I after him, Captain,” asked pathetic Smee, “and tickle him with Johnny Corkscrew?” Smee had pleasant names for everything, and his cutlass was Johnny Corkscrew, because he wiggled it in the wound. One could mention many lovable traits in Smee. For instance, after killing, it was his spectacles he wiped instead of his weapon.

“Johnny's a silent fellow,” he reminded Hook.

“Not now, Smee,” Hook said darkly. “He is only one, and I want to mischief all the seven. Scatter and look for them.”

Smee is so often described as pathetic, which he absolutely is, but - and Hook does later muse on this - although he is so pathetic and so not intimidating, he is completely content in himself and his life, whereas Hook is terrifying and very impressive, and wants to die all of the time with the depression, so who’s really winning here, James?

AND HE CALLS HIS SWORD JOHNNY CORKSCREW! HE IS SUCH AN ADORABLE UNCLE-ESQUE MURDERER!

“One could mention many lovable traits in Smee,” is so good, it delights me very time, because YES, one COULD, but you really should wipe your weapon, Smee, the blood will make the metal tarnish!

[ileftmyheartinnyc]

The feeling of being a Slytherin Secondary

Do you know how it is when you feel that you may behave like almost every house of Hogwarts? I do. And this will make you go crazy because every house seems to fit, therefore no house and you will feel lost. To be honest the Sorting Hat of @sortinghatchats said I was a hatstall because I am a Slytherin Primary with a Gryffindor Model, but I am also a Slytherin Secondary with a Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw Model. This is why I thought I could be anyone and nobody...

Well, my Slytherin Secondary seems to live in his neutral state a lot, I somehow can relate to Klaus Hargreeves from the Umbrella Academy with his neutral state. I simply don’t care at all when I have reached this mental level and it kind of feels good. I feel so strong and free this way. To cut to the chase: here’s my story. Enjoy!

It began early in my youth that I tried twisting rules that everyone else seemed to follow and my fellow pupils didn’t even question these rules. In my eyes, they didn’t make sense at all. We had a nice and big sandbox in our kindergarten. I loved to build sand castles, but the sand was dry and the castles I built crumbled, of course. Nearby we had several planters, but the potting compost was wet, the plants nearly drowned, it was like a sea in the planters. My young me had the idea to take the excess water to wet the sand so I could build wet sand castles that didn’t crumble. I don’t have to mention that I got detention for doing so. But there was never a rule that forbade watering the sand! And I never lost this way of thinking and bending rules until now. Rules are just guidelines - except when they make sense to me, especially for dangerous situations (speeding, not riding on the roof of a train et cetera).

Another situation was when we had to pottery in our classes. I hated it. We got the task to do pottery of a random animal that came into our mind. Well, I was not gifted in doing pottery, so I chose a...walrus. It was big and clumpy, but you could see what it was. But the tusks were missing because I didn’t want to do them. When it came to grading my work the teacher noticed the missing tusks and I explained that this was a female walrus and therefore it had no tusks. The teacher frowned upon this explanation but he accepted it in the end. Of course female walrusses have tusks, only shorter than the male ones, but psst! - he believed my story.

These are just two stories about me adapting to the situation. Acting and responding to a new situation comes to me naturally without any effort. In my job I adapt and manipulate as well, but psst! - no one knows when. You have to wear a mask to get your job done. I have been there. Depending on the type of your job you must lie or “adapt”. If I would tell you what I am exactly doing in my job you would understand. I have to be flexible as a snake. Everyone else I know who has this kind of job in other companies does the same adapting as me. The combination of adapting and doing my job to get the best results is widely known in my company. My boss knows that I am the best in my job, I show up and I get the job done on my own. This is way I got promoted last year.

But my Slytherin secondary performance is not the only thing I can do.

When I was little my mother helped me doing my homework the best way possible. Everything I did had to be the best ever. Like, everrrrr. Whenever I drew out of the line I was corrected because I was doing my work slapdashy and messy. Even for the tiniest mistakes I was being rebuked. To defend my mother: she wanted me to be the best in class, to attend grammar school after the fourth grade and to go to the university later. An in-plant training was never an option for me, it had to be a course of studies at the university. But my grades showed that I was way ahead of my class, I was really intelligent according to my teachers and they recommended to skip so I could attend grammar school two years earlier. I was hardworking, I was striving to be perfect in everything I did. My teachers loved me, I was the favourite pupil of some teachers. It happened that once I was sick for two weeks I didn’t even had to take a make-up exam due to my illness, a favour that none of my fellow pupils had ever been granted. Now I know that I was already building a community: the teachers were my community. Whenever I needed a favour they gave it to me. I loved being loved and valued so I kept using my Hufflepuff model to support my Slytherin ambition by using toil and diligence.

The same goes for my job. I am building a community of people I like and whom I work with on a regular basis. I need them and they need me, it’s a mutual give and take. Whenever I need an favour I’ll get it. I mustn’t tell you that I get some extra information as well. I am told secrets and given information few know about. In difficult situations I am supported by my community, nobody will ever dare to betray me. My position in my company is rather high-ranked, I am the highest ranked woman in my company and I am quite young. Whenever somebody would foul play me they would receive a certain amount of backfire. In every worst case I would win nonetheless. My people know. I’ll have their backs and they’ll have mine. This is how you build a community. Maybe I see myself as a dark Hufflepuff / dark badger, but I think this side is more due to the Slytherin whenever I feel betrayed. I am kind to them, but whenever someone tries to ride roughshod over me they know I will get rather unpleasant and as someone once said “you were intimidating yesterday”. I am trusted by my bosses, I cannot do something wrong. And this is the advantage of having a Hufflepuff model.

My job requires some more skills than adapting and being flexible: I have to be extremely tidy, organised and systematic in doing my job. Every time there is an obstacle in my path I have to gather information to overcome my problems. To do so I have to ask questions, I have to dig deeper than anyone else to know what the fuss is all about. This way I have learned to use a Ravenclaw model. My bird model helps me to stay organised, to use the appropriate methods for the corresponding tasks and to get my job done perfectly. There is no other way. The people I know of who work in a similar job position are the same: they are flexible, they can apply different methods for different tasks and they are the epitome of planners. But whenever a situation goes not as planned my Slytherin secondary turns up and takes over. I am in my neutral blunt state then, behaving like I don’t care at all but my goal is to win, anyhow, even if I do not have a clue yet how I will do it. But in the end the Slytherin in me will behave naturally, the Ravenclaw will be stuck up in this case. There is nothing to rescue with methods and systematic approaches, you have to think fast and no diligence will save you.

My post explains very well how you can discover what will come naturally to you in an (extreme) situation when you have to act fast and think fast. What will you do? You will notice that every model will fade in this very moment. This is how I came to the conclusion that I am a Slytherin Secondary with a strong Hufflepuff model and a Ravenclaw model for specific situations.

[chibimyumi]

Kinda personal question but what makes Elisabeth special to you? (Trigger warning) And in your opinion, does it romanticise things like mental illness and suicide? I think that ‘Die Schatten werden länger’ is a pretty apt metaphor for how it feels to have depression and suicidal thoughts (depending on one’s interpretation of what Death is) or to be emotionally abused. I ask about the productions with Furuka Yuta as Rudolf and the recent one with him as Death.

Dear Anon,

‘Elisabeth’ is my ultimate gateway down the rabbit hole of theatre and story-telling. Before ‘Elisabeth’ I was mostly a passive consumer of media, but after, I started to consider mechanisms of story-telling, and saw how different performers can tell different stories using the same script. This taught me how actions (dictated by the script) are just that - actions; and before we can understand a character, we must delve into what the context is of those actions.

Of course, the music is also just phenomenal, and it IS a musical, after all.

TL;DR: But importantly, I love ‘Elisabeth’ because it’s literally written to be a “F*ck you, Hollywood.”

In this post I discussed how ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ managed to save crumbling European cinematic culture. I am very tired of the Hollywood conventions, and ESPECIALLY tired of the glorification of romance. ‘Elisabeth’ subverted both of these stale conventions for me, and I was able to enjoy an alternative to the popular tropes of: “the superhuman lover, the caged bird, lonely at the top” in a new context.

This post will be divided into the following chapters:

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

1.2. Wife- and Motherhood

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

2.2. Depression in children

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

2.4. Deconstructing masculinity

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

3.2. Predatory lover?

4. Conclusion

Trigger Warning: The text below contains mention of depression and suicide.

Romanticising mental illness?

‘Elisabeth’ is admittedly a bit of a problematic fave to me; it does indeed romanticise mental illness. However! Contrary to mainstream conventions, ‘Elisabeth’s does not show that mental illness can be cured because of THE POWER OF LOVE! It unapologetically showcases the destructiveness of mental illness, and how it is a long and painful struggle without promise of success. And that is exactly what a mental illness can be.

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

Elisabeth herself is the clearest example. She was a happy-go-lucky girl who was not destined to become Empress (her sister was), and yet she was chosen as bride by the handsome and young Emperor, Franz I, against his mother’s will. It is the dream many girls are taught to have.

And yet, it was exactly after becoming part of a fairy tale that her life sank into hell. Not just because of Sophie, but also because of her husband. Her husband did not turn out to be ‘a bad guy’ like Hollywood will make you believe is the only reason a relationship will fail. No, Franz was just entirely ignorant towards anything Elisabeth needed. Franz’ failure as lover was not what he ‘did’, but rather, what he ‘did not’. I think it is very important to show how real relationships require compatibility AND hard-work, but that without both, it just won’t work.

1.2. Wife- and motherhood

In conventional media, a woman like Elisabeth’s journey would be to find ‘the love she deserves’, she would still be ‘someone’s romantic interest’, just not Franz’. But in the musical, her arc is preserving and exercising her autonomy, and make the best out of a terrible situation. Women are trapped in patriarchy, and usually there is just no escape. And therefore seeing the strength of a woman who makes the best out of her pain is inspiring, and more relatable.

Usually in media, if the woman is not ‘the wife’, then the way she is strong is her focus on being ‘the mother’. Elisabeth however, was shown to be a terrible mother! She was not callous, she was very loving in fact. But because she had so much going on, she simply did not have extra mental energy to spend on her son. I find it very refreshing that love is simply not enough to make human-relations work, whether it’s romantic or familial relationships. Saying that somebody fails in a relationship ‘because you don’t love x enough’ is shortsighted and backwards.

It is breathtaking for me to see a narrative that solely focused on a woman’s struggles without the romance, and without the shackles of motherhood. No, she was struggling because she could not be a person.

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

I also absolutely love how Elisabeth is not an idol that we are supposed to learn from. It’s not: “women! Look at this woman and [be/don’t be] this woman!!”. No, ‘Elisabeth’ leaves its viewer alone, and does not try to impose onto any ‘how to be a woman’.

We are simply supposed to see her life, and sympathise with her as human. The story never justifies her shortcomings, and never glorifies her as the fairy tale Empress ‘die Junge Kaiserin’ would have you believe.

‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does not treat its audience as people that must be educated; instead it assumes the audience has a mind of its own, and can participate in the story as Elisabeth’s peer.

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

Rudolf’s arc is likewise one wherein his mental illness is not ‘magically cured by romance’. The historic Rudolf was married and he was VERY unhappy in his marriage. However, his unhappy marriage was not the cause of his depression, nor did it really matter that much in making it worse. Rudolf did have a lover (Mary Vetsera), and they loved each other deeply. However, that was not enough to make his mental illness bearable for him.

This forbidden-love part of Rudolf’s life was so insignificant to his depression, that the writers left it out entirely in ‘Elisabeth das Musical’, and his arc was still perfectly round without it.

2.2. Depression in children

‘Elisabeth’ is an excellent example of how depression is not limited to certain groups of people; anyone can be haunted by it. Rudolf is able bodied, white, wealthy, the crown prince of an Empire, intelligent, etc. etc. And yet he had crippling depression, and it is NOT because he was whiny within privilege.

Just like with his mother, Rudolf is also not an idol we’re supposed to imitate. However, we are supposed to learn from seeing him. We first meet Rudolf as a young child, and because he was not given any help, his depression escalated into suicidal depression later on. Many people either don’t believe that children can be depressed, or simply don’t take it seriously. Rudolf however, shows everyone how depression can in fact destroy the lives of children, not unlike adults. Even better; he is a historic character who actually existed. Good luck denying that!

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

As discussed above, Rudolf’s struggle has nothing to do with romance, but crushing expectations. As Furukawa explained in this interview: “When Rudolf finally figured out what he wanted to do, he was faced with his country sinking into crisis. He was stuck in the situation where he did not have the power to say anything, and yet had the status wherein everyone expected him to act for the benefit of the state. If he did not act he would be a neglectful man, unworthy of the title of ‘crown prince’, but if he did act for the benefit of the state, he would be a rebel.”

I think it is very refreshing too that despite all the good qualities Rudolf has (2.2.), he simply could not live up to the crushing expectations. It is very important to see how failure is often not the inability of the person, but that too much was expected of ONE human being to begin with.

2.4. Deconstructing toxic masculinity

Rudolf performs a very refreshing form of masculinity that is a departure from Hollywood’s ‘male hero’ model. His entire character is centered on his vulnerability, but he is NEVER portrayed as the loser. Instead, we see a man admitting his vulnerability and looking his depression in the eyes, and never being ashamed of it. He never blames himself for ‘not being man enough’ to live up to social expectations. Instead of “becoming a proper man!!” Rudolf knows that what he needs is compassion, a person he can talk to (his mother), and a fucking break.

Death is almost always without exception ‘punishment’ in stories. However, with Rudolf there were clearly external factors that have nothing to do with his supposed inaptness. The perpetrator was active in the sense that LITERAL Death manipulating him into committing suicide. Rudolf was a victim instead of someone punished for a “sin of not being man enough”.

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

I am very tired of the good vs evil dichotomous story telling of Hollywood. Another thing I love about this musical is how it is entirely ambiguous who the villain is. It’s easy to point at Der Tod, but is he really the villain?

The script of this ingenious musical is written so freely that depending on the performers/director, the villain is either ambiguous, or non-existent, WITHOUT the story being vague. Depending on the actor of Der Tod, he is either an actual entity who governs over life and death, or the product of one’s imagination.

3.2. Predatory lover?

Der Tod’s existence and his pursuit of Elisabeth’s ‘love’ is the main factor that plays in saying “‘Elisabeth’ romanticises mental illness”. But depending on how the performers of Elisabeth and Der Tod interpret these roles, the story either becomes:

a toxic romance that is self-aware of its toxicity,

or like how Furukawa Yuta and Manaki Reika in 2019 managed, into a heroic tale of preserverence and a battle of wits.

Most importantly, in (most) non-Takarazuka versions, after Elisabeth dies, she is not there anymore to ‘reciprocate’ Der Tod’s feelings. She is just gone. Only in the Takarazuka version (I believe) does she enter the Underworld and actively becomes Der Tod’s lover.

So outside Takarazuka’s version, Der Tod is never rewarded with ‘a lover’; he simply gets his prey as a predator. Whether this ‘predator’ is a lover however, is again up to interpretation. But otherwise, death getting a mortal is just a very natural phenomenon, not victory as Furukawa puts it.

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, yes, ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does have many elements that may qualify it as ‘a romanticisation of mental illness’, but ultimately I think it is not just that simple.

We must consider what the message is that the musical sends, and it is NOT: “because Elisabeth/Rudolf are mentally ill, they embark on an epic journey.” If anything, the musical makes very clear that the mental illnesses of Elisabeth and her son are the main culprit that MAKES them miserable, and that Der Tod is the personification thereof, hence his predatory nature. In ‘Elisabeth’, mental illness ‘preys’ on its victims.

The romanticisation mostly (though not solely) comes from the consumers, because we are conditioned to read stories like ‘Elisabeth’ as a romance.

We see a man (???) claiming to love a woman, and he chases her and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He goes through extreme means to impress her, and the story even comes with a ‘love rival’ (Franz).

We see a woman ‘yearning’ for something, and that something can only be given by Der Tod, and finally she does find peace when she is with him.

But, we must pay attention to what Elisabeth says when she is dead. It is not: “I’ve been looking for true love, and now I found it,” or “I wanted freedom, and you’ve been kindly offering it to me, but I was too foolish to accept earlier.” No, the very last thing she sings is:

“I have cried, laughed, been disheartened and I have prayed. There had been days where I tasted defeat in my senseless battle.Regardless, I have entrusted my life to myself alone!”

“Winning Elisabeth’s love” is the term Der Tod set without Elisabeth having any say in it. The term she set for herself is staying true to herself and not giving up; which she NEVER did. As such, THAT ⇈ was Elisabeth claiming victory of always having stayed true to herself, and it has NOTHING to do with Der Tod. She does not need Der Tod, she simply needed freedom.

[antpernas]

11/17/20

you bitches better buckle up bc the trip to georgia went from bad to horrible VERY QUICKLY OSIDFLJSLDFK

SO just to note after i posted yesterday he came to the couch and started cuddling me while watching tiktoks and we were chatting and it was cute!! and i woke up feeling really good actually!! i was really confident that we were going to be able to enjoy the trip even without the intention of pursuing anything romantically afterwards! today we had plans to go around and look at atlanta, go thrifting, probably eat out too, etc. so i was really excited! and originally we were going to go to savannah today to go to the beach but then that went out the window alksfjslkdn

so i went to sleep the night before way earlier than dan, he had a presentation at 8 AM and he still hadnt completed the powerpoint for it. personally i thought he shouldve gone to sleep right when he did but he stayed up until 8 AM to present and then knocked out after. the consequence of that is that i woke up at 9 AM and was waiting for him to wake up all the way until 3 in the afternoon ASLKJLSKFDS

so finally he wakes up, i was kinda hoping that he would initiate the effort to actually go out like we had planned, especially since in our conversation on the drive home yesterday i had told him it really sucks to always be the one making the first effort literally all the time (not just with him but in general), and he said he would try to be more proactive to make me feel appreciated (that didnt happen aksfjlkf). so yeah no after thirty minutes of him not saying anything to me after he woke up i go ask him if hes still down to go out, and how i was waiting for him to wake up bc i didnt want to leave him alone in the aptmt to go thrifting cuz i thought that was mean, etc. he gets ready, we head out, he asks to drive my car and i say no bc he keeps breaking like a fucking maniac after id told him specifically not to bc it stresses me out !! we get in and head out

thrifting was pretty cool actually, there was like a LITTLE bit of awkward tension but it wasnt that bad, the thrift stores were super cool and i found some pretty nice stuff while i was there B) he also bought a bunch of stuff he liked so i thought it was a win win! we went and got food after, then we headed back to his place, which is where shit REALLY hit the fan

when we get back to his place he goes straight to his computer again. i go to the couch to eat, and after like a half hour of literally nothing–no chatting, no cuddling, he didnt even eat with me we just ate separately– i started looking into getting an airbnb and meeting other guys to try and salvage the trip. i told myself if he doesnt try to make a move to make me feel welcomed by the time my laundry was done, ill leave

THEN..... he starts getting dressed, and he heads to the door and he says to me “so youre gonna have the place to yourself for a little bit, im going to go out with some friends” and he leaves me alone in his house. this was extra ironic for me bc i remember before i had started the drive up and we were working out the details, i asked how long he would want me to stay, and he told me after wednesday he had a lot of stuff for school so he wouldnt be able to give me his attention or focus so he would feel bad if i stayed any longer; i said that that was totally fine and i thanked him for being considerate. and for that whole sentiment to be thrown out the window (if it hadnt ALREADY been bc he was just ignoring the fact that i was sitting on his couch twiddling my thumbs) when he left me alone in his house- yeah just comedy bitch COMEDYYY

and so i try to look into getting an airbnb and turns out i CANT bc my number is still linked to somebody elses fucking account and airbnb doesnt let you update it without access to the original account. at that fucking point i was pissed and i didnt even care about trying to salvage the trip so i just decide to drive home

i start getting my stuff ready and i messaging my friends about all this stuff, i end up facetiming my friend to tell them about it and their like “this is absolutely infuriating. youre not mad enough for me. burn that house down. steal his shit.” LOLLL it was just a mess!! i get all my stuff ready, i pack up my car and i leave

this one dude on grindr i was chatting to earlier had invited me over, i take him up on his offer and he was really sweet! we chatted about anime, played some video games for a little bit, his cat was adorable and it was a nice little thing. i was only there for an hour or so before i started heading home again

yeah all in all the trip was preeetttyyyyy much a bust, theres a lot of shit that pisses me off when i think about dan now (he was a huge hypocrite (he got mad at me for calling him out when he tried to excuse his behavior by saying it was bc of his trauma, but then made jokes about my r*pist.......), tbh kind of a sociopath, took a lot of pride in telling me about how hes so toxic and gaslights people all the time and i was just confused as to why he thought that would make me think any better of him at all/???, had a really concerning sense of humor that like took joy in suffering “ironically,” etc.) but i dont want to be resentful or spiteful or anything and honestly im not even that mad AT him!! he has a lot of potential in life and hes still super interesting, he just needs to heal a lot and GO TO THERAPY bc jesus fucking christ

but yeah thats my story about yesterday, im gonna write the one for today even though its not that eventful but i hope you enjoyed these little chronicles lakfsjlaksdf

[fivestarstudying]

BACK TO SCHOOL TIPS

1.       THE WHY JAR. At the beginning of the new school year fill a jar with your goals, and ‘’why’’s of studying. When you feel like you lost the motivation, or you don’t see clearly a reason to work, you will have something to reach to. Letters to you, by you. Advice from you, to you.

2.       INSTINCTS. When it comes to organizing your study space, more specifically your desk, think about where does your hand reach naturally. If you are right-handed you are more likely to reach to the right, so you can put your pens, your water bottle/coffee, things that you reach at the most to the right part of your desk. Things like extra notebooks, your lamp, etc. can go to the left side!

3.       HEALTHY EYES. To protect your eyesight, I highly recommend a desk lamp. In wintertime, it gets dark early, and your chandelier does not provide enough light (especially if you don’t face the light). If you can’t afford a lamp right now, a good idea is to change the location of your desk where the light hits it better, and your back does not face the chandelier but your face.

4.       THE PRESSURE TO BUY STUFF. Hands down the biggest advice is: buy the things you actually need & can afford. Don’t feel the pressure to buy expensive stationery, just because you’ve seen others use them on the internet. Your success does not depend on how expensive or trendy your pens/notebooks are. I finished middle school and most of my high school with Noname brand pens and highlighters and I had no problems. I got my first fancy pen and Stabilo highlighter in 11th grade and I can honestly say that I didn’t miss out on anything.

If you do want to buy something trendy BUT AFFORDABLE at the same time, I personally can recommend the Stabilo highlighters. I had just good experience with them.

5.       DON’T CRACK YA BACK. When it comes to backpacks put your needs first. Ask yourself a bunch of questions and think about the practical side of the backpack and not just the looks.

Do you carry heavy stuff?

-          Pay attention to padding: at your back, shoulders.

-          You carry enough weight. Buy a light but sturdy backpack.

Do you carry a lot of stuff?

-          Make sure that it can fit everything you need.

-          You can even bring your own backpack at the store on a usual day and try to pack everything into the one you want to buy. If everything fits nicely it is the winner.

 You carry just a couple of things?

-          Consider going without a backpack, try using a tote bag.

-          Buy something small and lightweight.

Also make sure that it has a place for your water bottle on the sides if that’s something important to you, and a safe place where you can put your wallet/id.

6.       GET HELP. If you have a hard time with a certain subject, or you have a personal problem that stops you in your work: talk with somebody. A teacher, your parents or someone close who you can trust. Someone mature who can give you good, genuine advice or can just listen to you.

Also, there are really helpful blog posts on Tumblr on certain topics. I link some blogs but you can find them by just searching the topic in google and adding tumblr to it.

https://studymasterposts.tumblr.com/

https://studymasterpostube.tumblr.com/

https://whatevenisstudying.tumblr.com/post/156605298761/illness-study-and-time-management

https://anatomyandcappuccini.tumblr.com/

7.       MISTAKES = FRIEND. This year learn from your mistakes. If you fail at a test, things don’t work out as planned, ask yourself: how can I turn this into my favor? What can I learn from this? What are the advantages of this situation? How can I do things differently/better next time?  Reflect on what happened and write it down, so that you have something to look back at and see the growth and change.

8.       IN MODERATION. I’ve done the thing where I studied for 7 hours a day and then all I wanted the next day is to rest and watch youtube videos because I was so exhausted. Don’t put yourself through this. Don’t have such high expectations for yourself. Find the balance. Study what’s needed and rest. If you have done your work don’t feel the pressure to do more because you see others doing way more. Remember: another person’s success does not define yours. Being a perfectionist is for everyone because if you are satisfied with your work, that is your perfect: perfect, measured to your abilities & resources.

9.       HELP YASELF. Use apps that play in your favor. One of my favorite apps is Forest. It was a big game-changer, honestly. Bring the best out of using a phone, and take advantage of having one. I link master posts to study apps, I am sure you can find something that is useful to you.

https://the-sapphic-desk.tumblr.com/post/164299471608/school-is-here-im-shaking-with-fear-and-im

https://folie-a-disappointment.tumblr.com/post/164583078846/apps-and-websites-your-student-self-needs

Thanks for reading, hope this was helpful in some way. 

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