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#if you cant tell what their talking about cartman is saying that Jews cant be Buddhist
kwnnys · 1 year
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— main 4 fasting for the first time!
hcs : g/n reader a/n : for my muslim brothers nd sisters 🙏🙏 reader is muslim and asks the boys to try fasting w them for ramadan :D
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— stan marsh
quite intrigued when you first bring it up, also pretty hesitant to try it
"wait so like- no food or water? for a whole day? are you sure I wont die..."
but with a little bit convincing, stan will eventually agree!
he starts off strong and confident 💪 bragging to the group and telling them all about fasting
but that confidence slowly dies as the hours pass... and poor boy gets so tired
he knows you said that while fasting that you should be as productive as possible, but hes just so tired and drowsy he cant help it 😭
he tries to play basketball with his friends, or even doing his homework. but he just can't focus on anything
he ends up sleeping the rest of the day till iftar
he apologizes and feels so bad 😓, but you tell him its fine since its his first time
I dont' think he'd do it again the next day or anytime soon, but maybe give it a few years and he might be able to fast all 30 days :D
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— kyle broflovski
like stan also very intrigued and curious
he'll ask you alot of questions and take a few notes, before ultimately agreeing
hes a little nervous at first, but you manage to ease him with some words of affirmation!
tries to just distract himself for the whole day. studying, chores, video games, etc.
he doesn't make a big deal about it, but is definitely suffering on the inside
tbh the hardest part for him isn't the actual fasting, but not being able to swear or be mad (especially considering kyle has a short temper) 💀
cartman definitley takes advantage of this and calls him every name in the book. also purposely eats infront of him.
"hey stupid jew. look what I've got, a chocolate cake. you want some? oh wait, YOU CANT!" "...I swear to god cartman."
almost broke his fast cause of him. 😭
but anyways, he manages to successfully finish his fast!
he would do it again, maybe in a few days if you asked.
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— eric cartman
when you first tell him about fasting and ramadan, he'll literally be SO flabberghasted.
"wait wait wait, so you're telling me you can't EAT or even drink WATER for 30 days? you trying to get me killed or something?"
it'll take alot of convincing to get him to fast with you
alooot of convincing.
but when he eventually agrees, he will be SO dramatic about it and overexaggerates everything
"oh my god, I think Im dying. tell kyel.. I hope he gets cancer.."
refuses to go to school or even get out his room
liane gets very concerned about him, and'll constantly ask you if he'll be okay and won't die
you assure her that its completely fine, especially considering he ate almost half the fridge during suhoor.
he talks to his stuffed animals to try and cope.
tried to secretly eat a piece of candy while you weren't looking 💀you'll have to keep a close eye on him if you want him to actually finish his fast.
he'll definitely hold a grudge against you the whole day and refuse to talk to you.
but don't worry, you make it up to him by taking him to kfc for iftar 😋
bro literally ordered half the menu and gobbled everything up in a matter of minutes.
safe to say he won't be fasting again anytime soon. or ever again,
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— kenny mccormick
the only one in the group who manages to fast with little to no problem
kenny doesn't usually eat much food anyway, so hes all down
the hardest part for him is not being able to have 'dirty' thoughts or look at porno magazines 💀
the guys probably don't even notice that kennys fasting since they know kenny usually eat till you or he brings it up
cartman also takes advantage of this and tries to get him to break his fast with money. (which fails cause you're there to shut him off)
doesn't really have a change in his routine or life, he just does what he normally does
you're surprised by how easy hes taking it tbh
when its time for iftar, you decide to invite him over your house to eat :D
hes shocked at all the food you had prepared by you and your parents, and extremely grateful too
that day he had the biggest meal for the first time in probably a few years 😭
definitely took home some leftovers after for his family.
overall he'd definitely wouldn't mind doing it again! especially if it means being able to go to your house to eat again.
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milalovesmatt · 11 months
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“please mommy”
eric cartman/kenny mccormick/kyle broflofski/stan marsh x reader
(separate)
NSFW WARNING!!
eric cartman
it was right after you just dominated eric oh my gosh he was moaning and whining and crying just all of it but lucky you got a video and you were waiting for just the perfect time to tell him about it. one day he was being bossy and you showed him the video snd he went ballistic “wait baby dont show that to them dumbass!” “ oh but i just might if you keep this attitude~” “dont please” “ beg for me eric.” “p-please im b-begging please m-mommy anything j-just don’t show m-my friends” “okay!”
kenny mccormick
you just dommed kenny, he was sweating and everything. two days later he was talking to another girl a little too friendlyish so you pulled him to the side “hey babe wyd talking to that girl” “ we’re just friends!” “for now..” “ what was that?” “nothing love!” “oh okay well can i get back to talking to her?” “ofcorse just iif you want me to show the whole gc this video of you being a sub” “okay” “okay” he starts to walk away “wait kenny come back!” “ hm?” “ i love you💕” “ love you too” he then gives you a kiss “btw i didint send it to the gc love im sorry” “i know❤️”
kyle broflofski
you basically already know what im going to say right now long story short u dommed kyle duh and he was abt to leave your house “babyy why are you leaving so early” “ oh now your being clingy” “i want cuddles☹️” “ sorry babe i told kenny i would go to the movies with him tonight” “☹️☹️☹️” “im sorryyy i’ll be back in two hours” “okay well then i guess i will just have to show this video to cartman” “ wait what video?” “oh nothing just this video of me dominating u🤭” “what no doll please” “well then i guess u just have to dich kennyyyy” “honey yk i cant do that” “or if u want to beg for me” “ughhh” “come on dont be a whore beg.” “p-please” you sit in silence “please mommy” you ruffle his hair “there we go!” okay sweetheart u can go! kyle is blushing sm
stan marsh
he got home and you were on a ft call with kyle kenny and eric then he walked in the room “hey babe im home” “hey!” “wyd” “nothing much just calling the boys” “without ME?!?!?” he says in a sarcastic tone “sorry babe you were at work”  “ugh love birds shut up for a second playing roblox” “cartman i didint know u were a sticky i pad kid too, i thought u were just fat!” “shut up u stupid jew” “omg let me join ur server rn” “ew no” “soo y/n what did u and stan do this weekend that was important for him to CANCEL OUR PLANS😡” “oh uhmm..” “oh i know exactly what me and stanley did this weekend” you say with a smirk, that made stan blush. once u started talking he shushed u and hung up on them💀
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jewpacabruhs · 5 years
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Love how having different Cartman’s headcanons means you automatically see him as a bigot or something negative. There’s billions of headcanons people give him. Yet, you can’t seem to process that everyone is different and won’t like the same thing you like.
luv wakin up to ppl deciding my words mean one thing when they dont. one thing about me is i never say one thing and mean another. i say exactly what i want to be heard, and it's not up for interpretation, even tho yall always twist my words (and im talking strictly about me in all this, not any of my friends, jus me). if i say it, take it at face value. and all ive ever said is that certain versions of kyman/cartman are antisemitic in nature. can they be redeemed? absolutely. kyman as a whole ship has been redeemed imo.
ive said tall!cartman and short!kyle makes me wary because it imposes a physical power imbalance where there's already a psychological and verbal one - but if someone makes it clear that their tall!cartman isn't abusive, then it's just fine! but ive noticed that there's a natural inclination to make the tall person in a ship the overbearing one, and that in general makes me uncomfortable, but especially when done in kyman - it's icky to me. but if tall!cartman is a decent human lol (and ur definition of decent might be different than mine), again, lovely! it's just the pairing of physical dominance with mental dominance. iv grown wary over the years of certain... red flags that seem to be present in legitimately antisemitic "interpretations" of kyman.
now, what one considers antisemitic is debatable, though i've never encountered a jewish "mountain" kyman & therefore as a jew talking to goyim, i think my opinion on it should be valued. and i'm not saying im the authority on all things jewish, but im friends with... four jews in this fandom now and we all have the same opinion on kyman. i think that's notable. i'm jus the loudmouth one. and additionally i don't think it's a ridiculous opinion that should be adhered to under like. a dictatorial iron fist. like people seem to think, if im not lai's lackey, i'm a neurotic jew-bitch that wants to police the fandom, but i consider myself a pretty realistic and self-aware person, and i like to think i don't get clouded by righteous self-conviction. so if i got ridiculous, i'd admit it. but i can honestly say i really dont think i have.
all ive ever said, and u can fact-check this claim because i never delete posts, is that some versions of kyman are or border on being antisemitic, and it makes me sad. ive gotten a little aggressive at times, when faced with death threats and intimidation swastikas, but always in public and always bluntly. lemme reaffirm that: i never send anons. i rarely dm ppl. and everything i've said privately to people i've argued with over the last year, i'd be comfortable posting, because i don't think i've ever said or done anything wrong - and you might roll ur eyes at that, but like i said, i pride myself on being levelheaded and nondelusional about my own actions. if i went crazy with power lmao, i'd admit it & go "damn wtf". in any other debate, i'd step into the other side's shoes, but in this case i cant, because everyone who's argued with me seems to really wanna hold onto their antisemitism, and i can't sympathize with that.
anyway. it's not an issue of liking the same thing i like. for me, it's only ever been about antisemitism. for lai, i don't wanna speak for her but kyle means the world to her and she dislikes when people do him dirty - for me, frankly, i don't really give two shits about kyle, but him being jewish means im automatically protective of him, especially because he has been done horribly dirty in the past. people can do whatever they want, but if someone tells someone their portrayal is a little iffy (and that's all i've ever done. i never send anons, i never send my friends after people. i say that with full honesty.), they shouldn't take that as bullying or cruelty; they should go "omg im sorry i didnt know! do u hav suggestions on how i can do better? i love kyle and kyman so i wanna do him/it justice." but if they laugh and embrace the accusation & proudly deem themselves a "bad kyman" or a nazi lmao, i think it's safe to assume there's some legitimate antisemitism under there.
and if they don't try to do kyman in a less offensive way, if they spitefully and intentionally make cartman creepier and more bigoted, make kyle girlier and more pathetic, have cartman call kyle "jew" ten times more than they already did - it's sus. it makes me wonder why you even ship them at all. because kyman should never be about antisemitism. that's not a big part of it. the original appeal was a rival ship, and now it's about their extreme dependence on each other. if people think demeaning kyle and his religion is a necessary part of kyman... 😬😬😬
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mokocchii · 6 years
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The Kyman Fanfic Ultimate Guide (or in other words, how to be a kyman hoe)
So lurking in Kyman fandom for awhile people would ask, what do you recommend reading? Well, after much searching I conjured up a list in what I believe to be the best Kyman fics. As well since this is Kyman week might as well fellow fans read some good shit during this fabulously gay week.
Remember folks, my list is incredibly biased HOWEVER from reading countless kyman fanfics and engaging with fellow kyman fans, this is solely based on what I consider to be strong kyman fics in terms of story structure, writing style, characterization, and overall enjoyment.
RATING: E
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we don't sleep when the sun goes down
by izzybusiness
https://archiveofourown.org/works/9450338
“Okay, will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?” Cartman finally yells, clearly at the end of his tether. “So, what, everyone here got struck by lightning and now you’ve got superpowers like some kind of all-gay Justice League?” Misfits AU.
Unwell
By cigarettestainedeyes
https://archiveofourown.org/works/12319431
Kyle's being introduced to a whole new side of himself, the panicked side, the scared side, and he doesn't much care for it. Support comes from the last place he expected.
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The Rules
By Creatortan
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13389867
South Park has many rules. 
1) don’t try to get involved with Kyle Broflovski. You will face the wrath of Eric Cartman. Plus Kyle just isn’t interested, even if he pretends to be.
2) don’t try to get involved with Eric Cartman. You will face the wrath of Kyle Broflovski. And Eric isn’t interested and doesn’t try to hide that. 
3) don’t try to get in between Cartman and Kyle. It never ends well. Just let them get it out of their systems.
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RATING: T
Cant we just try?
By shortstackedchessecake96
https://archiveofourown.org/works/5187086
If Eric had his stubborn way, he'd deny his feelings forever. But Kyle's not going to let that happen.
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Higher, Higher
By Sweeticing
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518693/chapters/31008642
Bebe tries to use a love potion on Kyle, but the plan goes wrong when the potion makes him fall for Cartman instead. Good thing Cartman hasn't been pining for Kyle for eight years or anything crazy like that.
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Cartman Gets bored
By sorrowfulJoy
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13062774
Cartman gets bored at 11pm and tries to get his friends to come and spend time with him, texting fic
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Secondhand
By SnyapticFirefly
https://archiveofourown.org/works/7751491
Cartman does what he does best: peer pressuring impressionable Jews the only way he knows how.
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Keep Your Enemy Closer
By guineabees
https://archiveofourown.org/works/9123163
A story about what happens when a superhero and their rival have been living under the same roof without realising it.
I Won’t Fall For You
By shortstackedchesscake
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13247808
Just when Kyle thought turning up alone to a wedding - that was starting to feel like a college reunion - couldn't get any worse, it turns out Eric Cartman is invited too. But Eric may just be his saving grace, and Kyle decides to run with his inevitably crazy plan even if he thinks he knows better. But Kyle is a lot smarter than his college friends, he won't fall for Eric that easily... will he?
the coriolis effect
by briwookie
https://archiveofourown.org/works/11544261
"There's nothing wrong with being attracted to the same sex." Kenny would say, but Eric Cartman had always thought otherwise.
It just surprises him that it takes Kyle Broflovski getting drunk at a bar with another man to prove him wrong
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Sunday best and broken glass
By cherryvanilla
https://archiveofourown.org/works/2296934
Cartman doesn’t do nervous. He’s done plenty of fucking public speaking, public singing, public anything but tonight – tonight, he’s nervous. Maybe it’s because this stupidly means more than any of those other times, even though he wishes to fuck he could deny that. Because he actually cares this time. It isn’t based around some manipulation. Maybe it’s because Stan’s up there right now singing and playing electric guitar to Sweet Child O’ Mine like a lame-o, but he’s actually fucking good and all Cartman’s got is a dumb emo love song and an acoustic and a future bill for rejection.
Between love and hate
By izzubusiness
https://archiveofourown.org/works/8239649
“Fuck you, whore!” Cartman yells, getting to his feet and stomping over to the other end of the room. “What the fuck are you even doing in my house?” 
“What were you doing with Kyle’s tongue in your mouth?” Wendy counters back, and if Stan’s head wasn’t about to explode under the weight of everything going on, he thinks he might have high fived her for that wicked burn.
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I said I wouldn't by I did
By captaindude
https://archiveofourown.org/works/2754203
In which Cartman is whipped and he doesnt even know it. but mostly sex though.
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Redéfinition de l'individu
By Kymanlvr
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6481633/1/Redéfinition-de-l-individu
Kyle Broflovski is tired of his dull, unchanging life. But after he returns from being away from South Park for the summer, things start to spiral out of control, and everything falls apart. Mainly Kyman. Strong language and references to sex.
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Don’t Touch Me
By Soul Flash
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5231878/1/Don-t-Touch-Me
When your life hits an all time low, things can't possibly get any worse, right? Not for Kyle Broflovski. Slash, Kyle/Cartman.
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Respect My Authority
by Soul Flash
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5687376/1/Respect-My-Authority
There's only one thing you can do when a Jew tries to mess with your mind: play some mind games yourself. After all, all's fair in love and war. Kyman, slash. Cartman's POV. Companion fic to Don't Touch Me.
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Boundaries
By cutie pie 9335
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6547130/1/Boundaries
Cartman finally crosses the line that Kyle had so carefully drawn. Kyman, amongst other pairings.
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Afflictions and Affections
By PartiPooper
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10588091/1/Afflictions-and-Affections
When Kyle is sick, as per usual, Cartman pays him a visit. He even so much as looks after him, in his own bitter-sweet way. (Fluffy Kyman One-Shot; Rated T for profanities.)
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The Sorry Struggle
By Partipooper
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11152548/1/The-Sorry-Struggle
When Cartman does something bad to Kyle, he tries to say sorry - "tries" being the keyword. AKA, How Not To Say Sorry To Your Boyfriend. (Slightly Silly Kyman One-Shot; Rated T for profanities, slightly sexual scenes, and the follies and flatulence of youth.
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if I didn't believe in you, we’d never have gotten this far
by orphan_account
https://archiveofourown.org/works/11282883
Kyle and Eric are both getting tired of the 'no strings attached' asterisk attached to their relationship.
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The Stag Prince
By Synaptic Firefly
https://archiveofourown.org/works/4979806/chapters/11437663
A Swan Princess parody. Grand Wizard Prince Eric and High Elf Prince Kyle are roped into an arranged marriage. Honestly, who thought this was a good idea to start with? Eventual Kyman, slight Stenny, and poor Butters is a paladin.
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RATING : M 
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Restraints
By Soul Flash
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5867328/1/Restraints
“Goddammit, Jew...” Cartman breathed as he furiously began to work on Kyle's belt buckle, “Why'd you have to wear a goddamn belt today...?” Kyman. Graphic lemon. Contains whipping, rimming, frottage, dirty talk, masochism, and more.
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How Long Till You Surrender?
By wettmark
https://archiveofourown.org/works/453686
Stan is self destructing, Craig Tucker might be gay, Butters can't handle Cartman's wiener, and Kyle just wants to get out of South Park without losing his mind, his best friend, or his virginity.
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A Series of Left Turns
By ScribbleSibly
https://archiveofourown.org/works/4088479/chapters/9208600
Kyle, now 17 and preparing to be a responsible adult, is drowning in the stress of his mundane life. Until Cartman gets an idea. Kyle POV. Heavy swearing and smut later on.
Perfectionist
By shortstackedcheescake96
https://archiveofourown.org/works/6452782
Kyle appreciates Eric's praise perhaps more than he really should. It is rare, after all. (All characters are 18+)
Backseat Confession
By psychelelicgoolash
https://archiveofourown.org/works/1907814
It was moments like these he wondered why he let that Jewish son of a bitch ensnare him like he did. How Kyle could just wrap him around his finger as he rolled onto his back, allowing Cartman full access to his unfastened jeans. Aged Up. Kyman. Smut.
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Comfort
By NocturnalLament
https://archiveofourown.org/works/5361029
Unable to sleep due to 'unfortunate circumstances', Kyle finds solace in the form of Cartman - but as is inevitable with these boys it's not as simple as a mere sleepover, and Kyle gets more than he'd bargained for. This fanfic is based on the events of the incredible blog 'Ask The Main Four' on Tumblr, and is totally canonical to the universe. NSFW Kyman smut, first time and delicious grinding warning.
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Games
By NocturnallLament
https://archiveofourown.org/works/4932157
The card game was enjoyable at first, but it very soon became clear Cartman had much bigger ambitions for is 'alone time' with Kyle - despite his parents sleeping in the room down the corridor. Unable to resist, Kyle tries to contain himself and stay quiet... but it's much easier said than done, especially when the sex is THIS good.
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Mission Accomplished
by NocturnalLament
https://archiveofourown.org/works/3144293
Concerned about the imminent yearbook photographs, Kyle is intent on staying clean of hickeys - much to Cartman's displeasure. But Eric has never been one to back down from a challenge, and if he can help it the feisty auburn wont stay reluctant for long. Yummy smut with hints of fluff at the end. Kyman One-shot.
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more than words can say
by NocturnalLament
https://archiveofourown.org/works/4794164
After an innocent slip of the tongue, Kyle can't help but wonder if he'd put their relationship in jeopardy. After a summer of strange behavior and evasiveness from Cartman, Kyle wants answers... but the truth is something he never had expected.
One word to describe myself
By confunded
https://archiveofourown.org/works/604033
"Because he was mine, and in a way he always had been. He just didn’t know it. Yet." Your standard love/hate oneshot featuring our favorite frenemies. Established sort-of-relationship, Cartman wants more and Kyle is a tease. Fighting ensues. Super smutty, but maybe there's more to it than just some porn. Maybe.
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Denial
By SchwiftyJerry666
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13728942
At parties, when everyone's usually too high or drunk to notice or care, two enemies find that the line between love and hate is a very thin one indeed.
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Express Love
By BookishTea
https://archiveofourown.org/works/8799361/chapters/20173393
Kyle misses his husband after a long and boring business trip.
Baby, Now you do
By charmzz
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13379967/chapters/30644319
Five years ago, Eric Cartman was hunched over him, with a fat hand on Kyle’s throat and the tip of a knife pointed between his eyes.
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might last a day (minus forever)
by cherryvanilla
https://archiveofourown.org/works/420889
At twenty-five, Kyle Broflovski thought he had his life all planned out. He was living in Denver with Stan with a nice apartment and a decent job. Suddenly, his world is turned upside down when Stan breaks up with him and he loses his job all in the span of a few months. Now Kyle is back in South Park, living with his parents, and trying to figure out where he goes from here. Enter Eric Cartman, who always got under Kyle’s skin as a kid, and who was now about to do so again, in more ways than one. (A story about reevaluating yourself and your life. Or, How Kyle Broflovski Got His Groove Back.)
 . 
Go on, take everything (I want you to)
By cherryvanilla
https://archiveofourown.org/works/5070895
In retrospect, Kyle should’ve seen it coming. In retrospect, he really didn’t. Sequel to might last a day (minus forever).
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Fake it so real
By cherryvanilla
http://archiveofourown.org/works/266865
In which there is a party and seven minutes in heaven.
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 I am beyond fake
By cherryvanilla
http://archiveofourown.org/works/503667
It’s been exactly 24 hours since Kyle was in seven minutes in heaven with Cartman and he hasn’t thought of anything else but the feel of his lips and the press of his body. Sequel to Fake it So Real.
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Disintegration (is the best album)
By dont_take_me_im_seriously
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13325070/chapters/30499041
Kyle's Sunday morning began with an appalling marriage proposal and only got stupider from there. Now he's on the run from the government, stranded in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and contending with the idea that Eric Cartman might just have a heart to break after all.
Tough Luck & Tough Love
By kylebiased
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13807146/chapters/31746348
Cartman bets he can break his previous bike-jumping record. Kyle bets he cannot. Cartman bets that if he can make said jump, Kyle will have to own-up to his end of their old fourth grade bet, and give him head. Kyle accepts this bet, since he obviously, cannot lose.
Cartman wins and now Kyle, is totally, screwed.
...Only thing Cartman never betted on, however? Finally realizing he's got actual feelings for Kyle.
Now, they're both screwed.
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Put out the fire on us
By I_Already_Forgot
https://archiveofourown.org/works/7262815/chapters/16490188
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Cartman cheats at a bet he'd made with Kyle and when the other refuses to pay him Cartman decides to get creative. Kyle knows not to let Cartman goad him into anything, but in the end his ego wins out and through a series of poor decision making they find themselves stranded in the woods all night, handcuffed together, bruised and battered. They have to work together in order to make it through and the near-death experience forces them to talk in ways they haven't before. The ordeal sheds new light on their friendship, and Kyle wonders if things will ever be able to go back to the way they used to be, or if he even really wants them to.
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Hate
By Kymanlvr
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5953936/1/Hate
There are people in this world that would, upon first glance, have looked at them and called them enemies. A story about Kyle and Cartman, and how a series of events bring them closer together. Kyman.
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Hiring Hope
By Partipooper
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10659998/1/Hiring-Hope
Cartman has a job interview to attend, and Kyle has worrying about him to do. (Fluffy & Smutty Kyman One-Shot; Rated M for profanities and sexual scenes.)
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Time Bomb
by sweeticing
https://archiveofourown.org/works/13009413
Cartman got therapy, Kyle has a hard-on, and New Year’s Eve remains a cause for celebratory champagne even if you’re locked in a bathroom with your worst enemy.
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In my office, now
by mokocchii (yes i wrote a fic too)
https://archiveofourown.org/works/14469690 
Working for Mr. Cartman hasn't been easy. (Or has it?)
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HONORABLE MENTION (If already a kyman fan you’ll get the joke)
Kyle in Chains
By DanniDinmont
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4676235/1/Kyle-in-Chains
Kyle has a problem, and it seems that there's only one solution to it. Slash, Kyle/Cartman.
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I also wanna give a shoutout to these kyman authors, cherryvanilla, shortstackedchessecake96, partipooper, ScribbleSibyl, synapticfirefly, and NocturnalLament for their surplus of quality quantity fics. They’ve written more than what I mentioned on this list, so I highly recommend to read ALL their work regarding Kyman. I suggest to check both their AO3 and FF.net accounts for the full archives of their work. 
Happy Kyman Week everyone! 
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jewpacabruhs · 7 years
Text
so out of boredom i wanted to go in depth about something from a certain ep. in ‘the death of eric cartman’, from season 10, kyle calls cartman a “fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath”. as we all know, it’s pretty easy to label someone a certain way, when in actuality stuff tends to go so much deeper than a couple of summarizing words. so i wanted to analyze each of those six titles that seem to follow cartman around.
1) fat. yes, hes overweight; there’s no denying that. it shouldn’t be included in this list of negatives, but kids are shallow.
2) racist. while there’s no denying he’s blatantly racist, i don’t think cartman understands the depth of racism at his age, and therefore it’s not genuine. none of the kids, except for token and nichole and maybe kyle, do. i myself was pretty racist until around thirteen or fourteen, because i’d been raised like that and i didn’t know any better. despite being jewish (granted, i didn’t experience any anti-semitism until i started to embrace my religion recently), i found harmful stereotypes about non-white people to be funny & often said them in jest, until i started educating myself and realized how harmful doing that was. unfortunately a lot of people don’t outgrow the racism they learn as children. point is, i think cartman doesn’t understand the magnitude of racism and it’s harmful effect on poc. then again, he doesn't care about any one but himself, and things that don’t directly involve him don’t concern him, so you can’t expect him to. but considering his recent pc arc, maybe he’ll mature a little. unfortunately, as of now, i think he just views making racist remarks as another thing that gets him attention. he’ll take any attention he can get, and negative attention is easiest to get. how to get negative attention? make everyone hate you. how to do that? display hatred towards everyone else. 
3) self-centered. he’s most definitely self-centered. i think cartman got a very extreme case of only child-syndrome (general selfishness, bossiness, etc. i myself was an only child until twelve, and i was a goddamn pain to be friends with, i’ll tell you that) that was magnified by abuse and neglect from his mother. he’s developed a me-against-the-world complex. not to mention he’s very intelligent, and he knows it, which led to some intense narcissism (or perhaps that’s a front to hide his insecurity, because there’s been a couple of instances where cartman’s grandiose facade cracked and we got a glimpse of the vulnerable kid underneath). that intelligence, regardless of how little he demonstrates it on a daily basis, also alienates him from the rest of south park, who are airheads. and while i can’t deny he’s undeniably clever, and that’s a positive for him, his self image of his psychical body is all false bravado; he’s convinced himself he’s strong, attractive, and manly, when in reality he’s chubby, weak, fairly repulsive (albeit charming), and a little more on the feminine side, if we’re generalizing - he’s emotional, sassy, manipulative, and on a more psychological level, he cross-dresses, plays with dolls, and is, canonically, attracted to boys. he doesn’t like himself, even if he pretends he does. now, personally, i believe all humans are self-centered - at the end of the day, do we genuinely care about each other people’s trivial problems? then again, i’m a raging nihilist. regardless, cartman’s put up a facade of who he thinks he should be, who he wants to be. his use of derogatory language towards others (not the personal attacks, like calling kyle a filthy jew or token a black piece of shit or whatever, but the general ones, like “hey, f*gs” or “whats up, dickwads”, yanno), it’s all to make himself feel better about himself. to try to put himself on a pedestal, so he’s untouchable, and he does this by demeaning others. his use of the f word in particular, and i’m not talking about fuck, is likely internalized homophobia.
4) intolerant. ties back into racism - he’s intolerant because he thinks it’s cool. he thinks bigotry is badass, and he’s obsessed with his own image, similarly to stan, only stan actually has morals and a decent sense of wrong vs right. stan will do anything to make himself look good, but only in socially acceptable ways. cartman, on the other hand, has no concept of what’s socially acceptable, and merely does things to the beat of his own drum; whatever he thinks is right, in his own eyes, he believes wholeheartedly, and he practices what he, and he alone, preaches. he thinks that, by spouting hateful bullshit, he, again, is putting himself up on a pedestal, which is exactly where he wants to be (and likely thinks he belongs). have you ever met/talked to a bigot who wasn’t a raging narcissist? i haven’t. cartman also clearly doesn’t know how to be nice, as shown in casa bonita; hate is all he knows. it’s his defense mechanism, likely because, subconsciously, he’s afraid to let people get close. he doesn’t want emotional intimacy with anyone because he doesn’t want to be genuinely vulnerable (partly because he likely considers vulnerability as “faggy” or “girly”, and his ego won’t allow that, and partly because he doesn’t want the walls he’s built up to be torn down - no bey reference intended, i swear). the only people he’s ever really opened up to have been his mom and butters, and with his mom he usually wants something and he’s exaggerating. butters, i think he trusts to some degree, because he knows butters is a dweeb and he’s naive enough to not entirely understand the difference between cartman’s true(?) nature and his facade, considering his erratic moods. still, even then, butters has shared cartman’s secrets time and time again, which probably proved to cartman that he really cant trust anyone. anyway, like i said, i don’t think the intolerance is genuine, i think he thinks it’s cool and he likes how controversial his remarks are, because, like i said, to cartman, any attention is good attention.
5) manipulative. he’s definitely manipulative, that’s undeniable. but i don’t think manipulation’s inherently bad, honestly; if you’re smooth enough to be able to talk yourself into getting your way all the time, good for you. if your morals are so shaky that you’re able to walk on other people to achieve personal success, you’re probably gonna move up quicker in the world, and i can respect that. cartman’s realized this at a young age, and he utilizes his charm. albeit, he often uses his power for evil, but still.
6) sociopath. this is the one i wanna talk about thoroughly. people don’t seem to understand the psychological meaning of 'psychopath’ or 'sociopath’, or any other psychological diagnosis. i’m not an expert, but i’ve researched psychology extensively, so i’d like to think i’m somewhat of a reputable source when it comes to this sort of stuff. and while i hate to try and stick a label on a fictional fourth grader, it’s pretty fascinating to try. however, you should still take everything i say with a grain of salt. anyway, so, admittedly, on the surface you would think cartman was a sociopath. he lacks empathy and manipulates as necessary without guilt, and while i think he definitely displays antisocial and narcissistic traits, i don’t think hes a sociopath. if anything, he displays some symptoms of high-functioning aspergers (ironic, considering that one episode). as someone on the autistic spectrum, i hardly want him as an example of an autistic person. but he sort of reminds me of someone i studied extensively while researching criminal psychology - one jeffrey dahmer (the real one, not the south park parody version of him). dahmer was officially diagnosed with bpd and schizotypal pd, among others, but a few of the many psychologists he spoke to following his arrest diagnosed him with aspergers. dahmer’s personality would go from awkward, reserved, and gentlemanly, to cocky, aggressive, and cruel. this could’ve been the bpd & aspergers/szpd (which is, more or less, aspergers & schizophrenia smushed together) coinciding. a little personal input: i myself have been diagnosed with a lot of different shit by several different therapists, but my lack of empathy and aloof attitude have been persistent symptoms in each of the diagnoses. if i compare myself to a friend of mine who has bpd, we’re pretty damn different. but if mashed together, we’d roughly make a dahmer-like personality, i think - and possibly a cartman-like personality. see, cartman’s behavior is very sporadic and unexpected. his default tone of speech (which says a lot about a person) seems to be a sarcastic but detached sort of drawl, which reflects his laid-back and idgaf-esque manner. he’s easily agitated, in which case his voice raises, often in a matter of seconds, before he’s returned to his relatively calm usual demeanor. the anger usually doesn’t last, unless it’s a heated argument. when angered, he can be driven to severely injuring people, without a second thought, because he lacks empathy. he blindly follows trends if they make him look cool, although i don’t think he really has a concept of what’s cool, nor does he care, i think he just tries to blend in to some degree to avoid ridicule, and because he wants people to like him. he’s assertive and straight-forward, doesn’t care if he hurts feelings, and doesn’t concern himself with people’s problems or opinions, although i think he cares about what people think about him a lot more than he cares to admit. that’s another thing that’s interesting; how he’s hated by everyone, despite his need for validation, and his brain twists things so he thinks people like him instead of just tolerate him. it’s crazy. anyway, i dunno, not making diagnoses, just bringing up symptoms and possibilities. and that’s all. gnite.
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