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#if you think it was about my ego then that speaks to your own privilege that you can't see what was actually being said
anxresi · 8 months
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…Thomas Astruc really is a nasty piece of work, isn’t he?
This post is about how he reacts to criticism online, and what motivates him to reply.
Not to mention, a shout-out to his ‘defenders’ who somehow think they owe the man a lifelong debt of gratitude.
Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s more than ably been compensated for producing the idea that led to this behemoth of a show (before he ran it down to the ground, that is).
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So he finally admits it… he’s writing at the level of a 5 year old. The truth outs at last!
Here’s another one…
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How would we get the idea you ‘hate’ Chloe?
You mean like: engaging in the most heinous character assassination I’ve EVER seen regarding her development over S4-5, giving us the waste-of-bland-space Zoe who everyone in the in-show universe constantly praises to further spite her fans and responding to almost EVERY individual who criticizes your treatment of her online, while ignoring most other messages?
Hmm, I wonder where we could’ve got the impression from you don’t like her very much… 🤔
It’s got to the stage now where he reacts so aggressively and urgently to anyone who produces the slight WHIFF of criticism, that it makes me think he has something to hide. Like for example, directly interfering in her character arc?
Anyway, he does that classic thing every bad liar does… Deny everything, then get so abusive with their angry response to try and frighten the poor OP into never raising the issue ever again.
He doesn’t have to even reply to anyone, but when he does it always seems to be the ‘haterz’ he engages with than the devotees who grovel at his feet. Almost like he enjoys the confrontations. Very strange.
Oh, but don’t worry. All those young fans he ignores still turn up to ‘defend’ this grown-ass 46 year old man from the vicious assault of a couple of teens rightfully asking questions of his terrible writing. decisions. NEWSFLASH: he’s not gonna give you mindless sycophants a job, you know. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
In fact, all these ‘brave’ internet white knights defending him on Twitter… you do realize you massively outnumber the Chloe fans, don’t you?
It was a personal choice Thomas made to highlight the only two negative questions he got about her that day to his hundreds of thousands of followers, as if to make out this kind of ‘trolling’ is commonplace.
It’s not, and picking on the couple of Chloe fans willing to speak up ain’t an ‘honorable’ thing. He couldn’t give a hoot about you in reality, you’re just interchangeable tools in his ginormous ego trap.
Hope you enjoy the taste of his boots. Wise up, and see him for what he is, would be my genuine advice.
P.S The other topic that seems to heavily occupy him judging by his posts is the ‘Climate Emergency’ which of course very important and explains the ‘New World’ we see after Gabriel’s wish we see at the end of S5.
Personally, I think they laid it on a bit thick with the whole ‘let’s get rid of all cars, no litter anywhere, waterways and trees everywhere you look, no more teachers at school so set your own lessons’ message, but whatever.
My point is, I bet he lives a jet-setting lifestyle where he travels around the world a lot, in terms of income he’s gotta be in the top 10% bracket and I can’t seem to find anything online about him being a vegetarian or inviting homeless people to stay at the mansion he doubt calls his place of residence.
So could it be… this ‘progressive’ outlook is another attempt by a middle-aged man to ‘get down wiv da kids’ from someone who’s willing to talk the talk but not make any concrete sacrifices in his own privileged life that might help halt environmental decline? Id wager he uses a lot more resources than the average person he lectures to, so what is he doing himself to prevent ‘global Armageddon’?
From the available evidence, not a lot. Could it be… he’s an attention-seeking self-congratulatory sanctimonious hypocrite who’s life ethos is ‘Do as I say, but not as I do’?
Probably.
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springcrafter · 4 months
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I cannot believe I have to ask this of people (nobody here that I know of, otherwise you'd be contacted personally, but I've seen enough). Please don't trivialize this war by bringing fandom attitudes into them.
This is serious. I can speak for the Jewish Israeli side of things, that the foundations of everything everyone here ever believed are being tested in a degree unseen in our country's entire existence. I cannot tell you what I believe and what I don't anymore - this is existential to degrees I cannot compare to any event other than 9/11 and many of you are too young to remember that. Life as we knew it doesn't exist anymore. I will not pretend to speak for the Palestinian people because I'm not Palestinian, but I know them to be facing horrors beyond most people's understanding, particularly in Gaza.
This is no joke, and no talking point. This is an ongoing conflict that radically challenges the status quo for every involved side; too many of the chips have yet to fall, and personally I don't believe anything I'm told beyond the barest irrefutable facts. Misinformation and propaganda are rampant on both sides, and that's an insult to the truth and each and every victim. It gets worse when people with zero stakes in the matter get involved and turn our suffering into yet another point of debate to virtue-signal and boost their ego and pretend they're better than the person they're talking to.
I've had to see people with my own two eyes treat this as a shipping war or as another partisan issue to fight with your uncle over on Christmas dinner. Attempts to "pick" aside or to "help me convince [relative]" or "how can I rebuke [point]?", basically twisting reality into knots to make it fit your Western little heads.
Major yikes. It's bizarre and invasive and borderline appropriative, to think of our issues on your terms, and try to shape cherry-pick these narratives to suit your set of morals. These are Middle Eastern peoples (check Israeli demographics and my Ashkie DNA if you think I'm pulling that out of my ass) with our own cultures and sets of beliefs, and a conflict with an incredibly unique history and reason to be.
(For example, something I wish people understood is how diametrically opposed the notions of pikuach nefesh and jihad are. Pikuach Nefesh is Judaism's most important tenet - human life comes before everything and anything and it is our duty to do whatever it takes to save a life. Jihad is, as explained to me by several Muslim people, is a pillar of Islam and encompasses the idea of martyrdom, or basically that there are things worth dying for, and things one must die for. These principles factor on how both sides deal with warfare and it's a fascinating thing to talk about - but you'd never know if you only care about this war to boost your ego).
So what I'm about to say below goes tenfold if you're from the wealthy Anglosphere or the seat of a former European empire, because the state of the Middle East is your leadership's fault and you, yes you, have been doing absolutely nothing to hold your elected officials accountable. You also benefit directly from the instability in the region your countries caused (by keeping us powerless, yours are more powerful) and you have the privilege to sleep safe and sound and know war never will come to you. So here it goes:
Bringing selfish and trivial attitudes into a very real issue that affects real people that isn't you is a complete moral wrong. If you don't have a direct stake in the issue (ie. Israeli, Palestinian, or descendent of either) and have the absolute privilege of not having experienced war yourself (ie. lived in an active war zone for real personally in unequivocal terms) please take several steps back and a goddamn seat. This is not about you, your need to virtue-signal, and your feelings.
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mangoshorthand · 2 months
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I wonder how Five would treat somebody with like fibromyalgia or some other chronic pain condition. Like I imagine him being into rough sex and being very grabby in a rough way while in the mood, which sucks because how sensitive one's body can be due to these conditions. Would he have the patience to explore the right ways to touch such a sensitive body and know to be more careful and gentle with his so? I dunno this is just something I'm kinda insecure about because I have to constantly give advise and correct my partners (and other people in general) on how to touch me so I don't end up writhing in pain. It just feels so embarrassing and I feel the need to constantly apologise about it, but it's something I've always imagined Five would with time be able to learn how to "treat me right" so to speak. 😅
I also imagine Five to be very grabby/rough when in the mood, but I am also convinced that would go rights out of the window if it would spoil his partner's enjoyment in any way.
You have to remember, he's an arrogant son of a bitch who wants to be the best at everything, so he can't have ANYONE coming out of his bedroom dissatisfied. He has a reputation to uphold. And, honestly, if you pose a sexual challenge then driving you wild is an even bigger stroke for his ego. Trust me, he would be working on getting good at what works for you harder than he would on discovering the cure for cancer.
Fundamentally, I think Five is sexually dominant, and he could get just as much out of being a gentle dom as a rough one. Keeping your partner safe and happy is the most important job any dom has.
A note from me: never ever apologise or be embarrassed for telling someone how best to touch you. You deserve good sex and your partners are privileged to touch your body: they will damn well do it in a way that feels good to you. This is true for both avoiding pain and seeking pleasure and applies to anyone, whether a sufferer of chronic pain or not. You are your own best advocate so please please keep doing it.
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candygrlsworld · 6 days
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The Marilyn Monroe Effect ♡
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Before Marilyn she was Norma Jean, a regular American girl with dreams of becoming a star. Through hard work and manifesting her dreams. She somehow cultivated this alter ego. So there is Norma Jean and Marilyn Monroe who is basically her at her fullest potential and the girl of her dreams. She explains this in this quote.
“I daydreamed chiefly about beauty. I dreamed of myself becoming so beautiful that people would turn to look at me when I passed. And I dreamed of colors - scarlet, gold, green, white. I dreamed of myself walking proudly in beautiful clothes and being admired by everyone and overhearing words of praise. I made up the praises and repeated them aloud as if someone else were saying them.”
She also is able to switch her energy just by her thoughts. Like when she was in New York one mintue she was a regular person that no one noticed. And as soon as she said “do you want to see me become her?” Something changed in her mind at first she thought “I’m a regular girl” and then to “I am the biggest movie star, I turn heads and am beautiful.” (These are not exact quotes but I think it was something along those lines.)
So not only is she able to manifest this version of herself but she is also able to express other aspects of herself and turn it off in a way. She did this by taking action/doing the work and thinking affirmations to herself.
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Now to apply this to my self I am going to create my own Marilyn Monroe so to speak. A alter ego in a way not really. Just manifesting and working to become the girl of my dreams. The mentality of I want it I got it. So in terms of my dream girl. The
Who is she?
She is incredibly beautiful and smart. A professional and extremely successful cheerleader, model, YouTuber, and obviously fashion designer. She has a Marilyn Monroe level of beauty. She has pretty privilege and amazing opportunities come to her constantly. She is extremely charming. She has such a magnetic, alluring, mysterious and angelic, sensual aura. And she is easily able to manipulate people to get exactly what she wants. She is always able to attract anyone she wants and get exactly what she wants. All eyes are on her when she enters into the room, she turns heads and is the most beautiful person people know. She has obvious sensuality and sex appeal. She is easily able to seduce and have people be obsessed with her. She is so rich and successful and is celebrity status. She is unapologetically herself, and is able to accept all aspects of herself. She loves herself fully and does not need any external validation . Although she is beloved by many. She is strong kind, smart and beautiful. She is able to stand by her boundary protect her heart and be totally herself. Without having to come out of her soft and sweet character. Light as a feather and solid as a rock. She has such a happy bright aura. She is hyper intelligent literally smarter than Albert Einstein, smartest girl people know. The textbook example of beauty & brains. And she is the embodiment of thewizardliz teachings. She is a natural star which is why people are drawn to her and why she is mysteriously famous. She knows how to keep to herself and when certain actions are appropriate. She is mature classy and sophisticated. A total charmer and sweetheart.
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Now it’s your turn!
Who is the best version of you visual her and take the steps to become irl
Yours truly~💋
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colorcodedbeanies · 1 year
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S1E5-"Gray Matter"
"Why is he doing this? What is he, like, 8 years old?" will go down in history as the one time I was rooting for Walt and Skyler's marriage. If they could be bitchy about parties forever I would find a place for them in my heart. Also, a shorter one this time, mostly because a lot of the major themes are going to be coming up a lot more prominently in future episodes and I want to give myself some fresh things to say.
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With both Walt and Jesse we get this theme of ego in relationship to class, work, and money. For Walt, this theme is obvious, turning down an unbelievable offer from the Schwartzes just to hold onto some idea of dignity. For Jesse, its smaller, and perhaps even a little more understandable. Admittedly the signspinning job is probably not optimal from a financial perspective. But finances aren't something Jesse cites. At a fundamental level he views the job as beneath him. I'd argue that for both of them this has a lot to do with their vision of what an adult man does. For Walt, a proper adult man doesn't rely on handouts to provide for himself and his family. For Jesse, a proper adult man works an adult job and makes adult money. Both of these characters are reaching desperately for an idea of respect that just isn't available to them.
Vince Gilligan described this episode as the point where the show finally clicked for him, because its the first time Walt is making a concrete choice about his life of crime that can't be argued to be circumstantially forced on him. For me, what's most interesting is how close he was to taking the offer. He hems and haws about personal issues but there seems to be sincere regret in his eyes. Until Elliot mentions health insurance and he realizes he knows about the cancer. This is part of a running theme in this episode: Walt cannot tolerate being thought of as sick. We'll get the tragic backstory reason for this later but I think it's worth noting: this is internalized ableism and it's going to be coming up a LOT in this episode
I wanna be careful here: Walt would be well within his rights to refuse treatment. At the end of the day, it's his own body. I have one relative who's been in treatment for cancer 8 times, and nearly all of them have involved some kind of chemo. It's a miserable process, and if it seems unlikely to extend your life it makes sense that you might not want to go forward. Marie brings up a worthwhile point here, some people don't want to spend their last days being picked at by doctors. I want to be as clear as possible I'm not casting moral judgement on anyone's decisions regarding their treatment and health.
HOWEVER. The objections that Walt raises have a lot of uh. Implications, for anyone dealing with any kind of chronic condition. He speaks with horror of becoming something artificially alive, despairs at the idea of needing to be cared for and cleaned up after. At the top of his concerns is being too sick to work, too sick to do the things he believes a husband and father should be able to. Junior and Hank both say the quiet part loud, Hank by positing that Walt wants to die "like a man" and Junior by rightfully pointing out that everything Walt's describing is his lived experience. It's a point I don't often see brought up. Walt's greatest fear is to live the way his son does. Honestly, one of the things that may have changed his mind is realizing Skyler would wind up needing to care for him anyways as his body deteriorates.
Speaking of Junior, the attempt at buying beer is interesting for this analysis for a couple of reasons. One, on any other night Hank might be the one doing the arresting. Junior explicitly only got off easy because he has a male authority figure to show up for him and talk him out of any trouble. Had he not been that lucky the implication is he would've had more serious consequences. Class, support, and (I'd argue) white privilege got him off that night with a warning
Two, this is tied back to when Hank and Marie thought he might be smoking pot. This time it's undeniable. Junior has been caught seeking out a substance, one that it is illegal for him to have and one with ties to addiction. However, where weed is cause for a scare tactic, Hank doesn't bat an eye at the attempt to get beer. He's more upset that by calling him and not Walt, Junior is subverting the traditional family hierarchy. No one feels the need to scare Junior straight about the dangers of alcoholism. In fact they bounce right back to discussing Walt's potential slip into the life of a junkie, Skyler recounting with horror "He said he liked it!" while DEA agent Hank giggles about how he didn't think he had it in him ("it" being a thing he has sent multiple people to prison for in his career)
Marie for all her problems is the funniest bitch alive
Jesse is making his attempts to grow up here, and when he tries to grow up he starts behaving more like Walt. I don't think I have to say anything else for that fact to be devastating.
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skenvs3000w23 · 1 year
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The Final Blog
While writing blogs and general learning throughout this course, I have developed a newfound appreciation for nature. Before this course, when I explored nature I simply saw nature as a pretty view. All the components in nature did not seem as important, because I saw the bigger picture. When diving into nature interpretation, I realized there is a lot to value about nature and its many aspects, and that it is not just a pretty view. As an interpreter there are many values you should uphold, and I have learned a lot through this course on how I should proceed in the future as a nature interpreter. Acknowledging who I am as an interpreter throughout the semester, and how to convey my experiences and my ideas while keeping my audience in mind are skills that are crucial as a nature interpreter. 
 I believe my personal ethic is to not only prioritize the protection of our natural world, but strive to find ways to sustain it, and conserve it for future generations. Throughout the course, I have found ways to change my thoughts over nature, and view nature from ethical aspects. The working definition of environmental ethics is a branch of philosophy that studies environmental values, and tackles issues surrounding the societal values of nature (Minteer, n.d). The ethics of nature are complicated, because not everyone cares about nature in the same ways. My personal ethic regarding nature involves caring for nature in the same way I would want it to care for me. Having access to clean water, land, air, is something that nature has given us. Having access to greenspace for my mental wellbeing and physical well being is also something nature has given us. Therefore I feel that it is always my ethical duty to find ways in which I can give back to nature, while trying to conserve it for future generations.
My personal responsibilities when it comes to nature are a direct reflection of how I value nature. Some personal values I feel that I should uphold as an interpreter are honesty, transparency, and being humble. Providing honesty to myself and my audience guarantees interpretations that are not biased. Additionally honesty will provide transparency that allows audiences to trust my interpretations, and feel free to develop on them even further. Being humble is one of the most important qualities I think everyone should acquire as a nature interpreter. Having an ego is not helpful in interpretation, because your opinions are always formulated based on previous experiences. For example, I can never claim that an interpretation I made in nature was from my mind wholeheartedly, because ym past experience influences the way I view things. Accepting that others' opinions are just as valuable as yours, and being humble in interpretation allows you to grow as an interpreter, which is why I think it is so important. Being open to different interpretations of nature not only betters me as an interpreter, but it can help to enhance my own opinions. When interpreting nature it is important to accompany the learning goals of your audience and address their opinions with humility (Beck et al., 2018). 
My belief is that nature is a gift to us all, and the fact that we were given a platform like Earth to thrive on is a privilege. Speaking of privilege, diving into what's in my personal backpack, and the different privileges people have in their backpacks is a concept that is important to me when it comes to interpretation. Being able to realize how I can use what I have in my backpack to further my connection with nature, and help others develop theirs too. As an interpreter using the knowledge and privileges I have grown up with can help to strengthen my relationship with nature. For example, sharing the experiences that I have in my backpack may help my audience to connect and share their own experiences. 
Throughout the course we have looked at 3 main questions: Who Am I as an Interpreter, Who is my Audience, and How Can I Make This Experience Meaningful?
These three questions definitely encompass what I believe I should think about as a nature interpreter, which is why I would like to examine them further in this post.
Who Am I as an Interpreter?
I am a student at the University of Guelph, who started this course with a basic interest in nature. Presently, I feel that I am an environmental enthusiast, trying to take the experience I had in this course to further live it with nature. Through making podcasts about nature and interpreting different species in nature, I am able to connect to nature at deeper levels to serve different audiences. 
Who is my Audience? 
I have developed skills over the semester that allows me to connect with different audiences. Having the element of diversity in nature interpretation lets me cater information to the specific audience I am serving. As mentioned, the nature interpretation field has become more “compartmentalized”, due to uncertainty present in the world, which leaves everyone with little guidance (Hooykaas, 2020)
Therefore, it is important that we consistently find different ways to serve our audiences. In this case, my audience would be people of all backgrounds and ages that want to learn more about the environment and wildlife.
How can I make this experience meaningful?
I feel that I can make my interpretations meaningful by sharing my own experiences as I have through blogging this semester. Having the privilege of experiencing nature in different ways, by going to the beach, or visiting my local creek, or taking a hike, is something I can share with my audience, and hopefully they feel comfort in sharing their own as well.
Overall, I had a wonderful time reading your stories and interpretations over the semester. Seeing everyone connect with nature, and show different ways they have connected with nature was beautiful and has inspired me to explore nature more this summer.
Hope you all have a great semester ahead!
References
Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018). Interpreting cultural and natural heritage: For a better world. Sagamore Venture.
Hooykaas, A. (2020). ENVS 3000 Unit 10: Nature Interpretation's Role in Environmental Sustainability [Courselink Content] https://courselink.uoguelph.ca/d2l/le/content/791355/viewContent/3306935/View
Minteer, B. A. (n.d.). Nature news. Retrieved from https://www.nature.com/scitable/knowledge/environmental-ethics-96467512/ 
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neverluckygoldfish · 5 months
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31 -
Something I’ve been thinking about lately: we really aren’t in control of anything. Life is going to happen, people are going to people. I think having a false sense of control, a false sense of ego - this is our ultimate hubris.
Why do we care so much about the opinions of others? They never have the full story.
I recognize I speak from a place of privilege and not everyone has the same opportunities or freedom to choose.
If you think about it, we are all so wrapped up in our own heads. No one, NO ONE, is thinking about me as much or in the same way I think about myself. It’s a double-edged sword: we don’t really matter to anyone else as much as we matter to ourselves. It’s a lonely thought. At the same time, it’s so freeing. Those humiliating moments, those mistakes & regret we hang onto and let color everything we think about ourselves moving forward - people aren’t thinking about them the way we do. In fact, I’d venture to say that most of the time, they may not even remember.
Example: I went to a meeting with my good friend while I was visiting my mom. He’s in recovery and he brought up this time that he was being irresponsible & drove over my foot with his car and I was so angry at him. I can’t even recall that happening. Same thing - I brought up this time that he was telling me how broken he felt and I condescendingly told him “well if you know there’s a problem, then go fix it - maybe you just don’t care enough to”. Lol not my most empathetic moment. He barely remembers that conversation.
Everyone is living their own reality. I’m coming to realize truth and fact are not the same - truth is actually incredibly subjective. It’s dependent on the individual and their perception/their beliefs can skew it. It’s like when two people look at the same picture and feel something different. Or when two people are asked to recreate a work of art and their creations are different from each other, in addition to being different from the original. Similar, but not exactly the same.
Wealth, status, power - these are all social constructs. These are ideas. Who came up with them? Certainly not a higher being, but another human before our time. I won’t delve into this too much, but none of it really matters in the long run. That fancy car, being a CEO, being with someone “out of your league” - it won’t give you the validation you seek. It won’t add or take away from who you are, what your intrinsic values are.
So what to do with all of this? Still trying to figure it out but I think it boils down to - do whatever the fuck you want. No one cares, no one’s looking at you (if they are, they’re looking at themselves in you - projecting). This is life, we all get one shot, so don’t be afraid. Acknowledge your past but don’t let it consume you. Every day is a new day, a new opportunity, to: do what you love, say what you feel, start again, change the future.
I’m sitting on a plane to go back home & I’ve had a bit of caffeine lol.
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etherealsign282 · 11 months
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I'm writing this as a separate post to group my entire thought process before I move on from the light drama from my last "toxic religious people" post because whew... it's just mind boggling people like this exist and don't understand they're the bane of their own existence.
I am... amazed that someone can prove word by word that someone speaks the truth, but be disagreeing with them and denying it the entire time.
Psa, if you think nobody should be talking about the problems within cultures and groups and religions because anybody can be evil, in the sense that they can come from anywhere, don't call yourself an activist for anything.
It's unhelpful rhetoric to tell someone that they are starting problems for no reason because you think that since bad people come from anywhere, there's no reason to complain at all. That makes no sense. That would mean progress for anything would never be made because our voices and protests would never be heard until it's too late. That's how many issues are CURRENTLY happening, because the idea that it didn't need to be talked about until it becomes a main issue... makes it a main issue, and it's even harder to nip it in the bud after letting it grow to those proportions. The only time it shouldn't be encouraged to talk about religious problems is if it was based on racism, like antisemitism. Calling out some privileged people for weaponizing various religions to abuse people and manipulate them, is perfectly normal.
People are allowed to complain about anything bigoted or shitty upsetting them and if you're allowed to complain about them complaining, you're in an even more of a hypocritical (not to mention more useless) stance.
On top of that, if someone points out that toxic or shitty people do x y and z... don't fucking prove their point by doing those things then act like you're still innocent?
If I say, "alt religious people don't deserve to get away with being the worst versions of themselves but think they're a good person by hiding behind their religion since it isn't Christianity, and calling anybody who calls them out as 'mean'", bc I'm tired of the hypocrisy,
and you unironically start the dialogue by calling me mean... I'm shutting that down quick next time. Bc obviously your ego won't let you click things together and I'm not explaining anything to someone who can't see past their own smelly shit.
But on top of that, if you're bouncing from between saying that nobody like that exists to begin with *in "your" religion*, to saying that anyone from any religion can be bad and that someone is "fighting for no reason" when the post wasn't even hostile, directed at anybody, and just stating fact, and YOU inztead started a fight in the comments over it... you're just gaslighting at that point. You’re minimizing someone's voice because YOU don't find it important, and painting them as overreacting and starting shit after YOU started shit. You can pretend to be enlightened as much as you want but the dismissive, privileged, cruel behavior you portray speaks louder than any kind, performative words you could say about yourself in defense.
And then... using your religion to literally place passive aggressive, hostile intent on someone and freeing yourself from the binds of accountability and responsibility and looking like a bad person, by claiming that the other person (that you argued with and fought with for no reason) is being too toxic and that they need to heal and be more positive. It's literally proving the point that unhinged religious people will hide behind their religion to feel better about themselves even when they're doing terrible, no good things.
I just can't see how someone could just... not see the irony that they're the problem. That they checked off all the bullet points of what makes a toxic religious person a toxic religious person.
I basically said
Be religious person, have shit take or personality
Call someone mean for being called out
Weaponize religion in some way that makes them feel like they're not being shitty because they're "protected", and usually using it wrongly to avoid self reflection.
(In this case, by acting as though frustration and anger aren't normal feelings, whitewashing the concept of emotion to a more toxic positive "live laugh love" concept that was originally built on the premise to be racist and attack/ dismiss PoC beliefs like hoodooism and voodooism etc and paint them as evil; then deflecting the fact that they have no rebuttal because they're too ignorant for the conversation, by claiming that the other is too toxic or mean or "sad" and that they need a more "positive light. So they can pretend to be a good person because they're certainly "too positive" to keep the fight they started going, aka too afraid to cope with the consequences of their actions. After arguing and gaslighting for no reason, and pushing someone to the point of reacting negatively on purpose.)
And they... did every single one. Unironically. And yet probably think they're the victim. It's mindblowing.
This is why I hate a majority of religious people, and specifically religious people who think they're different just because they aren't a Christian, but sidestep and blame just like a Christian. This is why they needed to be called out- it makes them too uncomfortable and they lash out and reveal themselves for the hateful, unhealed, toxic, argumentative, and highly reactive people they are, whilst having an unhealthy superiority complex toward anybody who is open and honest about not being healed, being argumentative, and being reactive (bc it obviously makes them uncomfortable to see someone thriving in the truth, the rawness of their emotions and reactions, and still being right, while they struggle to be a good person despite all their toxic positivity and denial of perfectly normal emotions like anger and sadness and still ending up wrong). Maybe if someone can pinpoint and call it out, they can eventually fix it before it becomes irreparable.
The only thing is they're not adaptable, open minded, or mutable enough as a person to get that anger and negative emotion really has very little to do with those things- why do you think most abusive cis men can remain quiet while maliciously abusing and manipulating their wife, so they can call them a psycho woman afterward when they snap and start yelling? It's not calmness, and serenity. It's called a plotting, cunning, vindictive way to treat people. Its called forcing reactive abuse. It's called darvo. Whatever you want to call it, it's not because pretending to be at peace actually makes you at peace.
If demonizing negative emotions were about true calmness, they wouldn't need to react to anything anybody says or does with cunningness or passive aggressiveness to begin with. Being at peace isn't to go poke the bear, then walk away with chew marks, believing that you did nothing wrong only when you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. True peace is leaving the fucking bear alone because you don't have a need to bother it into anger to begin with, just to prove you're more reasonable.
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The face of friendship
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“Friendship: In the course of the years a close friendship will always reveal the shadow in the other as much as ourselves, to remain friends we must know the other and their difficulties and even their sins and encourage the best in them, not through critique but through addressing the better part of them, the leading creative edge of their incarnation, thus subtly discouraging what makes them smaller, less generous, less of themselves.” 
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“Friendship transcends disappearance: an enduring friendship goes on after death, the exchange only transmuted by absence, the relationship advancing and maturing in a silent internal conversational way even after one half of the bond has passed on.”
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"The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self: the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone." 
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Ramble Write: These specifics on friendship seem so elemental and yet they aren’t offered —encouragement, enduringness, and witnessing to siblings, spouses, friends. Three simple tenants of deep rooted connected friendship. I guess if we aren’t settled in our own truth it is difficult to give it outside of ourselves with any authenticity. 
I look at various fall out actions dumped on me by those I have cared about and the weight of the balls they have relationally dropped. Not listening. Bringing judgment to lunch. Going silent or simply exhibiting shear crazy talk in demands for possibly reconnecting. We do friendship poorly. Exhibiting such actions that harm says “you are not connected with your honest self.” Harm can not be thrown like peanut shells at the circus. Opening what you need. Digesting what you wish and spitting the rest out on to the floor. We take such harsh actions towards one another which speaks to how low our tank must be. Friendship is a gift and it needs to be treated as such. Kindness in the offering. Holding one another up. Being witness to what is essential. Knowing it will always be present, that link, that love, that connection. 
Here I stand and I think “Lordy sakes”, when my voice isn’t accepted. Or judgement is in control. Or fear or shame or ego is yanking my chain. I can state with more clarity what has run a foul. What smells like a dirty old rat or a dank and musty basement. Being there as a form of support. Being there as a witness to someone’s life. Knowing that friendship never ends, settles my spirit. It seems so easy and yet I know it’s not. Old patterns die hard. Kindness isn’t typically the first point of action. I am learning. Feeling so often when such truth, such simple truth rises up it feels as if a weight has been lifted. My shoulders feel less constricted. The light is brighter, the air is cleaner, the birds chirping out my bedroom window are more symphonic than simply offering an annoying cacophony of distressed cawing. It is easy to do right. So why don’t we? 
The everlasting part of love and friendship is significant. I don’t think I could have named it. I most likely felt it first. Not sure what was transpiring and yet its power would not rest. It pushed through the ground of my preconceived notions of what is “life” and what is “death.” Love and loss. I see love and friendship’s strength in helping me to experience more authentic connections. Offering more profound meaning in my days. The things we all seek but are often afraid to uncover. My mom’s death popped my eyes wide open and I have continued to peel away more of the truth that she has sought to teach me or at least offer to me as a greater form of understanding. 
As I learn more about death I also learn more about life. As I hold fast to meaning. The conversation loss wants to have with me, I reveal a lineage of linking that goes beyond the veil in a way I had not surmised before. Giving space for the truth of its inevitability I can stretch out my hand in acceptance of what can’t be changed instead of holding fast with such a tight grip to what has been. Speaking it out loud. Feeling it with more intentionality. Death and grief, loss and love — continuing to spread a peace of understanding about what this finite world offers me. This understanding has brought me back and around to where I believe I began. Catching more dust mites as I have moved in this ever present circle. Understanding more about death and its side kicks initially stumped me. For my internal understanding was constantly clashing with what was externally offered. How is it that so many of us get it wrong? My guess is fear knows the reason why. Patterns are also sitting in the booth offering their two cents worth while straw slurping on a thick chocolate banana malt. Shame is in the restroom along with Ego, making sure their hair is just so and that nothing is out of place. The company death keeps. The ones always by its side until it gets to be more accurately named. Learning more each stumble trip step I take. +++
Resource: Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words by David Whyte
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sheviolentlyher · 29 days
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hey. it’s me. your favorite mind fuck.
mommy.
dream girl.
my lips are chapped and I’m keeping myself from falling down a rabbit hole. but like the horrors kind.
no. not this one. where I envision hell on earth. is it to privileged of me to say that earth sucks. that middle earth— is hell. mordor was an oasis. lol I can’t believe this shit comes out of my mouth. My ancestors are probably rolling in their graves.
Can you imagine being a fucking Viking?! yo. like — life was HARDCORE. I think we’ve already passed heaven on earth— it’s been hell since the first bloodshed, and who knows when that was— it very well could of have been when god pricked his finger for a drop of his blood— a sacrifice for life so to say.
do people understand the Old Testament? I would really like to dive into theology- cuz why the fuck not? What am I afraid of to learn? Oh, adding new anxious horrors to haunt me? Everything has a price , when we learn about godliness we learn about the maliciousness too, and you have to be prepared for that. It’s doesn’t affect people that don’t understand- it affects the ones who do.
I don’t even understand it all. I think it is purposely made to be incomprehensible. Purposely made to make us make a fucking choice. The ultimate form of mass conformity. It’s very genius- especially when used at the beginning of colonization- you didn’t want rebels. Maybe it was a way to spread immense moral— made to try to explain our existence as humans and how we behave. What will tempt us.
what is it that we are REALLY supposed to learn from Jesus? I don’t believe he was/ is the only son of god. I think he was of high spiritual intelligence, one that trigger the ego severely. I can’t speak for the amazing things he has done because honestly, we all know it’s just not possible. But IN OUR HEADS IT CAN BE. ——— see?
I’m really getting kinda of sick of the enlightenment era. It’s now over saturated, it’s like a fixation- “everyone’s doing it “ —- no bitch, I’m REALLY fucking doing it. Crying in my closet like a real fucking woman. Fixing my own fucking face. I will always admit when I need help, even if it sounds intense, irrational, or ridiculous. Once said the mind has an opportunity to process differently. That’s just my opinion. everything here is mine. that’s your problem if you don’t remember that while reading.
if you have gotten this far — I like you. and all I want to do is spend time with myself. I wake up everyday ready to see what I got to show me. I don’t know- kinda rad- kinda terrifying.
it’s time for my beautiful mind to sleep. beauty sleep is for the wicked. and I like to say I’m wicked because I buy 44oz of sugar water at seven thirty in the morning — and I always ask anyone next to me if it counted as coffee—- ☕️ 🥤
until tomorrow mon coeur-
another day no instagram. violently happy.
-x
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tarnishedxknight · 3 months
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Mantis tilted her head when Noah seemed to not understand what she meant by saying she could control people. Did he not know what the word ‘control’ meant? That was okay. She smiled patiently. “I mean I can make them do as I say. Bend their wills. Influence their actions.” Noah implying that being polite and considerate was an illusion shattered by learning the reality of people’s nature was… counterproductive. He was probably saying it to help her, but Mantis had already learned that lesson, given that her own father had seen her as a tool, as disposable. When Noah started saying what he would do if he had her power, implying that she wasn’t using it well, Mantis shrugged. “But you don’t have it. If you would not ask nicely, I fail to see how that is my fault.”
Noah was speaking of powers he did not understand. And Mantis wasn’t a hypocrite. How could she not believe in the good in others? How could she deny other people the chance to grow, to change? How could she determine who was past redemption and who wasn’t? She had been helping the wrong person all her life…
Hearing that the Princess of Dalmasca was also the last of her kind did not make her feel better. Quite the contrary. It was a type of loneliness no one ever deserved to feel. Mantis touched the petals of the flower, feeling empathy for the woman, though she had not met her yet.
“Um…” Mantis squeezed the flower in her grip, her antennae droopy. She didn’t like being stared at for too long. Noah staring at her was innocuous enough, yet it stirred memories related to her upbringing that made her chest hurt. Whenever Ego stared at her, it was always to find a failure, a fault, a flaw in her. Your posture is wrong. You fumble with your hands too much. You are not smiling enough. Your body language is too closed off. You are going to make our guests think that something is wrong with this place! Mantis had learned that being stared at meant trouble, and her subconcious mind still made that connection.
“I think green suits you. I would not be concerned about it,” Noah said. “There is nothing wrong with you.”
Mantis struggled to hear anything else he said after that. She believed she heard him say something about how her unique perspective fascinated him and then he apologized for staring, but… “You think there’s nothing wrong with me?” Mantis asked, baffled. She felt like her legs were going to give out, and she stumbled in his direction, holding out the flower, offering it to him. She hid her face behind her hair and wept, though the way her shoulders started shaking betrayed her. “Thank you… Thank you, Noah,” she choked out.
(Mantis: “It takes a lot to break me, if my childhood did not break me nothing will!” Also Mantis when someone validates her: )
__________
{ Awwwwwwww, Mantisssss! T^T Heh, she’s gonna make Noah cry too. The feels are strong with this one, heh. }
“With what? A thought? A spell? A touch?” Noah asked. “How did you come by these powers?” He’d never heard of this kindof magic before, if it even was magic. Even so, it was extremely useful, and he wished he’d had it for himself. So many things would have been different if he had.
“My point is, that if someone needs to be stopped, to be controlled, and you, going about it in the politest sense, ask them if you might do so, and they say no... would you simply walk away? If someone wished to use a weapon that would obliterate an entire land of people, would you ask nicely for the privilege of controlling them, or would you simply stop them? If it is the latter, then I fail to see the value of asking nicely.” Clearly she did not understand, and frankly, it mattered not anymore, for Vayne was dead and nethicite was gone. “Nevermind,” he said dismissively.
Noah’s irritation at the wasted potential of her powers melted into confusion as Mantis seemed to deflate, her mood dropping for reasons unknown. With his further comments and her reaction to them, however, it soon became clear to Noah what the problem was... and it was one that hit far too close to home. “Certainly not,” he said.
Seeing her falter, he reached out to steady her with a hand on her shoulder, taking the flower she offered with his other hand. He let her hide as she wished, even as emotion welled up inside him at her reaction. “You are welcome, Mantis,” he whispered. What would I not have given for my parents to say such a thing to me? For anyone to say it, much less mean it? Noah thought.
“I understand...” he whispered further. “But there is truly nothing wrong with you. You have value, meaning, and worth. You matter. There will always be others who will tell you otherwise, or make you feel it, but you mustn’t listen them. You must be firm in your own worth, so that no words can weaken your resolve. You must believe in yourself, in your own value and strength, so that they will withstand when others attempt to break them down. You must be your own first and best advocate, for if not you, then perhaps no one. I know well what it is like to long for validation from others, and if you need it in this moment, then know that you have it... but at some point, it must come from within you.”
In a rare moment of candor and emotional transparency, Noah was trying his best to impart some of the wisdom he’d learned in quite literally clawing his way through life, fighting for survival, fighting to prove himself, to make something of himself, to prove that he mattered and that he had worth. This lesson he’d learned while trying to repair the hole left by Basch when he abandoned him, the rubble of his childhood as scattered by his neglectful, abusive, and emotionally distance parents, and the frantic stress of living day-to-day inside a den of snakes as he fought tooth and nail to reach the rank of Judge Magister. No one cared whether or not he survived, whether he was happy, whether he felt validated or worthy... if he did not feel it, take it, and make it happen for himself. 
He more than understood that feeling of being not good enough. The black sheep. A hound begging for scraps at the emperor’s table, Vayne had called him. So? What of it? I survived. I am strong. Through no other power than my own sheer force of will and my pride. No one could grant him dignity or self-love if he hadn’t the capacity for it himself. He wished he’d learned that as a youth, but maybe this painful lesson could still help Mantis in some way...
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sourcherrydaydream · 7 months
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This picture holds a lot of meaning to me. It's an art piece I walked past all the time in 2021. Within the confines of a sterile, sad hospital, with an even more sad reason to be there, it would bring a smile to my face, remind me to be hopeful, and provide a short moment of escape from my diagnosis.
September is Blood Cancer/Leukemia and Lymphoma Awareness Month. Every year, around 9,000 people are diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in the United States. In February 2021, a few weeks after my 22nd birthday, I was one of those people. Before then, I didn’t even know Hodgkin's Lymphoma existed as a form of cancer. The doctor who told me my results was a head and neck surgeon. She told me to look it up and laughed saying she was relieved she could be off the hook, that this wasn’t her area of expertise, and that someone should call us from Oncology within the next day or two. It was the heat of the pandemic before vaccines were readily available to anyone except healthcare staff or people with special privileges.
I got the news in my parent's home with the two of them surrounding me feeling like everything I knew was collapsing. Why me? What did I do wrong to have this happen to me? Why is nobody walking us through the next steps? I’m scared. What if I die? I’m too young. Is this real? Luckily, we were able to get on the phone with a nurse from the Oncology department within the day, do some research of our own, and get the ball rolling with more testing and treatment discussion.
On March 1st, 2021, I started my first round of chemotherapy. That was also the day I got into the Masters in Social Work Program that I am now in my final year of. In a moment of such difficulty, I also felt so much hope. I had to get vaccinated between chemotherapy treatments, I was becoming more and more immunocompromised as treatments carried on, I got shingles around my PICC line, I lost my hair day by day, I had horrible and amazing experiences with healthcare professionals, I watched a lot of TV, I got acupuncture, the list can go on. I'll never forget how it felt to feel the chemo going through my body. How the last hour was the most uncomfortable. How I was so restless and nauseous and inflamed. Most days, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I still completed my B. A in Philosophy and graduated during this process.
I feel so lucky that it was caught early, and I am currently in remission, healthy and in a good place. I am so lucky that my mom works at the hospital where I received care, so I had the best insurance, and that my privileges got me through the journey with much more ease than most.
It's one of the most horrible experiences. Sometimes it was more of a burden trying to share how bad I felt because I was afraid that I would make other people feel scared or uncomfortable. Sometimes it was that I was afraid saying it out loud would make my fear come true. It felt safer to withhold or deal with these things on my own. In retrospect, I wouldn't encourage the practice of withholding. It's important to speak the truth somewhere safe.
It was an extremely difficult, painful, scary experience that I would not have been able to get through without my family and friends. They held me up when I couldn’t. They had to be hopeful when I couldn’t be. I am forever grateful.
To anyone who knows anyone going through a difficult health journey, try not to let your discomfort, pity, or ego guide how you choose to or hope to connect. Maybe you decide not to reach out, maybe you do, but think about it truly and honestly. Don’t get offended by people’s decision to not respond, and don’t put pressure on them. I very often found myself having to sugarcoat my feelings/experiences or responses so that I could protect other people’s feelings. Putting them before myself, and draining my already low energy. If I could encourage one sentiment from my experiences, it would be to remember that your true intention will always be felt.
This is just my point of view. This is only a small part of my story. I wish I had known more back then, but that wasn't possible.
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alyjojo · 1 year
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Love Reading 🧿 - March 2023 - Scorpio
Singles:
Overall energy: Death
How you will meet: 7 Cups & Justice
How they will treat you: King of Pentacles rev & Ace of Cups
Long-term Potential: Judgement
This person is someone you have already gone through a cycle with before, they’re a playboy/girl and it never goes anywhere with them. This reading seems to be more about validating your experience, you probably feel an intense connection and messages show it is a past life connection. Just because it’s past life doesn’t always mean it’s positive 🙏 How you meet them is… them being them, dating around with several different options, they’re single and playing the field, and this is something in the past you’ve already gotten over. I get major ego with this person, like they have graced you with their presence, or you should feel “privileged” to be chosen by them. They have an air of superiority. How they treat you is no commitment, only showing up for the new, they like the excitement and rush of feelings, and then they bail and they’re gone.
Long term being Judgement is the same thing. They’ll celebrate with you, go out on a date or two, maybe get you into bed even, but beyond that they don’t actually *choose* you and commit to that. Death, 9 Wands & Knight of Pentacles rev is telling you that you’ve got to let this one go, you’re breaking your own heart for something that’s never going to move forward how you want it to. They just aren’t wired that way. Or you’ve never set boundaries before, so now is the time to tell them to kick rocks, you deserve the whole cake or don’t even want it.
Messages -
Their side:
- Quick Fling
- Facial Hair
Your side:
- I’m happy where I am.
- In every lifetime, I always come back to you.
Signs you may be dealing with:
Scorpio, Virgo, Taurus, Cancer & Sagittarius
Couples:
Overall energy: 2 Swords
Current: Ace of Cups & 8 Cups
Challenge: Knight of Swords
Potential: 6 Swords
You don’t know what you want with this person, and you probably haven’t known for a long time. Do we have a new beginning, or is it time to cut this loose for good? If that’s even a question…I think you’re realizing that this person isn’t good for you, or isn’t what you want for the long term. Knight of Pentacles & Wheel of Fortune both show time, a lot of time being invested in this connection and you’re left feeling unsure. By contrast, you could also be unsure of what they want. Right now there doesn’t seem to be any messages between you. They may be someone that acts more casual, or you both value your independence but there is no real “togetherness” either. Both of you have this idk vibe, you’ve just been waiting around for clarity and communication, which you don’t seem to be getting, because messages are the challenge. You don’t even speak, and when you do it’s in short bursts of a lot of activity, maybe they come at you all at once and then they’re off again…not speaking. Or their communication is cold, not loving or passionate. There’s too many swords in this reading, and the potential is moving away from this person altogether. Possibly towards someone else, or with the intention of finding someone else. Wheel of Fortune shows this probably being a karmic cycle, lesson, or person, or that the events are still in motion in this connection and it’s not quite the end yet. Things are still changing, but you’re where you’re meant to be until/unless you decide it’s not.
Messages -
Their side:
- Childish
- What other people say matters too much to me.
Your side:
- I want to have my cake & eat it too.
- We don’t value the same things, and it bothers me.
Oracles -
Their side: You don’t innately have the inclination to do bad things, but when they inadvertently happen, try not to blame yourself.
Your side: Love yourself and all the good in you. Then others will feel it and love you too.
Signs you may be dealing with:
Libra, Pisces & Sagittarius
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xeonlux · 1 year
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i was soft
really really soft
and you knew that
you could feel how different i was
because i listened
i showed that i cared
i did what i could with what i had
and i did it more than i had to
i let you walk all over me
you even called me a pushover. a doormat
many times. and then you exemplified it. easily
i was raised christian
and i was raised by my mom
in the middle of a family of bullies. those being the other males i had to bear living with at the time. my father and brothers
you even used say “why are you so different from all of them?” something i already knew but didn’t ever think about that much until it came out of someone else’s mouth.
you’re the gingerbread woman
you take what you can
as you skip away into the next phase of your life
and you act through it seemingly without any forethought.
you fucking killed me
i was soft
you knew i was soft
and you made me hard
you turned me cold
extremely cold.. and brittle
so you could break me
you hurt me. horribly. and you ever only acted in defense of your own selfish ego when i would bring how badly you hurt me up in conversation
it was always about you
and you knew i’d give it to you
i was this.. lonely.. neglected .. middle child. self taught. self grown. only knowing what i knew. with dreams as big as anyone could imagine. and all the talent to fuel those endeavors. .. and you saw that. you made me realize how unique i was. you built me up. you made me feel special. recognized. like i mattered. like i wasn’t crazy or stupid for the things i knew intuitively.. or maybe that was all part of the plan. to build me up. just to tear me down. i still love you. helplessly. i can not help it. but you hurt me in ways i’d never felt before. you put me in situations i was unequipped to handle at the time. you caught me in quite literally the hardest and scariest period of my life. and putting all my faith in you was dangerous. but i didn’t know that. i didn’t know how on the edge i was all the time. id been in that mode of living for so long that it felt normal to sway in and out of survival and relaxation. which isn’t healthy by any means especially at the rate i was fluctuating at. i wasn’t raised to deal with the things we went through. who is though? you? you were a nightmare. and you knew it. there were times in your dorm where you’d actually say “i’m going to destroy you” like it was planned the whole time. the “me too” movement was also at its peak when we started dating. and everything i heard about the craziness with your friends should’ve painted a clear picture for me to leave you alone. but i was dumb. naive. nice. too “zen” at times.
we are not the same. our backgrounds are so wildly different. you grew up with so much fucking privilege… i mean. ya. i saw how your folks could be. but that’s kinda what creates privilege to a degree i suppose.. i mean. they called me a grifter. …………… if anyone was the grifter in our relationship, by definition, it would’ve been you. but that’s what you let them believe. that i was somehow the bad guy. that’s what you showed your friends. that i was somehow the bad guy.
you acted with so much impurity against who i was naturally. condemning me often for just simply existing so to speak. did you ever stop to think about how all of that wears of a person? yeah.. people heal.. but you don’t forget. i feel like you just. you know… you told me your boyfriends name was the same as mine. what a coincidence…… correct me if i’m wrong. but wouldn’t that be a really crazy thing to do if you were as abused as you claimed to be? wouldn’t dating a person with the same name be a horrible idea? maybe.. maybe not. i dunno. after you, there were a million and one things that triggered insane anxiety ridden responses from me. but that’s me. it just seems like. well. i mean you .. did. you just lied your way straight into everything. i mean for god’s sake you forged your bank statements to get us an apartment. and lol then you made me sign off on the apartment when you decided to move out. making it mine. when you knew i couldn’t afford it. you systematically tried to destroy me. all for what? and why? like literally what in the fuck was your obsession with trying to destroy me?
tell the truth, you fucking COWARD!
you don’t want to be fraud. you see how things work today in society. imagine everyone you know who knows you …… find out about the real you. and the life you’ve lived. me being a male as an excuse doesn’t work. and i don’t think you’re aware of how much it doesn’t work. that’s why i just wish you’d finally fess up. just to me. and i could let all this go. i just want to hear the truth from your mouth. i want to hear that you knew exactly what you were doing. the truth. the only truth there ever was. i want you to admit that you systematically tried to ruin me into psychosis. you had a plan. looking back now it was SO obvious.. it’s kind of hilarious how dumb i was. which is probably why you’d laugh at me while watching me spiral into darkness. then quickly acting like you sort of give a damn.
whatever. i hope you’ve grown. learned. felt. you always had a heart. but i don’t think you knew how to use it. you always had valid emotions for certain things. but you never should’ve abused that right. having emotions. maybe no one ever gave you the space or example on how to self validate. and how not to let external sources murder your ability to keep a clean plate of interaction readily available to serve when needed.
we weren’t the same. and you knew it. and it bugged you. i grew up with certain levels of depravity that usually kill the spirit of most. neglect. abuse. neglect. abuse. almost in an endless cycle if not that within my family structure. no one trying to push me in any direction. no one supporting my dreams full on. no one seeing the gifts i had and wanting to water those seeds, no one wanting to watch me grow. and to me. to me.. i dunno. it looked like you had all the support you ever needed. college. LA. modeling. everything always at your fingertips. telling me stories of your mom teaching you how to steal. sure your folks may be some kind of crazy but. that doesn’t excuse your exacting behavior noted in psychopathy and sociopathy. there were times where i emotionally was so flustered with you and confused that i had no idea how to handle it. so i would just. mirror you. and that was the start of me slipping. which is what i think you wanted all along. sadly you wanted me to slip. and fall. and get hurt. and die.
i’m writing this while sitting in my car. alone. at an overlook of the city. listening to a podcast. it helps my writing process listening to other people talk. they’re talking about ancient times. cosmic stuff. it’s cool. stuff you’d probably find interesting. maybe… i just wish you were honest. all the time. i wish you never tried to hide from yourself. i know you know what i mean by that. it seemed like you were constantly sizing yourself up against everything else out there. instead of. just being you. i mean your deal with instagram was enough evidence for that theory i guess. i don’t know if you’re liek that anymore. i hope you wouldn’t be. it just sucks that.. if you actually ever loved me. if you ever did. if any ounce of the romance, the passion, the dreams we shared, all the laughs, the future we planned, all the crazy and amazing ideas that flowed effortlessly out of our minds… if any of it was real… then why in the fuck would you throw it away and burn it like how you did? you made it impossible for me to love you. you pushed me so far away. soooo so so far away…. and when things got instantly crazy and bad again at my parents house after we broke up.. i had no where to live. i had to leave texas. and you’d text me saying i abandoned you. THAT I ABANDONED YOU!…??? how dare you even try that shit. you stalked my instagram for months.. i’d call you out on it. i found a house to live at in los angeles.. id post things on tumblr and you’d comment on it. that you knew i was living h there in LA. and i saved those comments. cuz i thought they were absolutely bat shit crazy….. and of fucking COURSE you were on my mind everyday. after what we went through? pft. but it still seemed like a game to you. and you just wanted to win no matter how immature that game was. i had to be the loser in your eyes. why me though? did i actually light something up inside you that no one else could? did i actually ever do anything for you? other than allowing you to use me at will? what was i to you? cuz i have no idea if any of it was real. to me it was real. and i wouldn’t have traded you for anything. ever. we messaged a few times. around new years or something. then february 2019 came along. and you kept popping in my mind so i checked your IG. and saw that you were in LA. i felt compelled to contact you. i felt that we had to find closure. cuz it felt like there was none. and i was still such a mess… noting everything was really hard for me at the time. we talked briefly. then you agreed to meet me in march. and you did. we met. and spent around 8 hours together. and i just felt like some idiot alien the whole time. cuz i was still insanely in love with you. but that’s probably what you wanted. then you left that night. we talked over the next couple weeks here and there. and then you turned on me. again. started accusing me of all these things that never happened, etc… trying to make me look bad. for obvious reasons.
of course there’s precise and certain things i am not mentioning in this post. for good reason. things only you and i should talk about in private. because in a healthy world, we as people make amends. the old fashioned way. cuz that’s what this world needs so desperately. healing and forgiveness.
your life is yours. but you constantly tried to appeal to things i never thought about. you were so in your head. in your own world. deciding what’s best for you to believe and live and feel without any discussion or input from the ones you loved. your mind was always made up. especially when you were wrong. and it created nothing but chaos at the worst times.
i still love you. dearly. and i have zero fucking clue with what to do with that. my heart doesn’t know how* to stop loving people.
when we met i felt like i’d known you my entire life. the visions i had of you in my mind for years before we met were always real. too real. your energy always existed in and around my soul. as a muse. i hate not having you in my life. i can accept you not wanting me. that’s your choice. but knowing me at the time when you did was definitely a chore. i know that much.. it had to have been a chore at times. i was a mess. through and through. i just don’t know if any of this makes sense to you. when i say.. if you truly loved me.. if what we felt was real.. if i was ever even a friend… at all.. why burn it?
i don’t know what it’s like to burn people. it’s something i can’t and won’t imagine. i just feel like. if any of what we had is real. again. then you had the worst image of me in your mind that anyone could have mustered. cuz you never knew me. you maybe experienced 15% of me at my best at any point in time. meaning the other 85% of me at my best was never available while we knew each other. and that absolutely kills me.
i just feel like you love wearing masks. being illusive. making a joke of things. blowing off what you put people through. maybe it was just me. maybe i was literally the perfect target. the perfect bad guy in your eyes for whatever insane concoction of a perception you had of me..
what i don’t think you’re even understanding still is that .. it is 100% possible that you fucked up. more than you may want to realize. you tell me.
i just wish we could be friends if anything.
you make this world make no sense
so fuck you forever if that’s how you want to play it
being cold hurts. you can’t lie to yourself and convince me that your coldness is righteous.
especially considering.. i was always there for you. always. but it turned out you wanted a punching bag.. instead of me.
so please. if you see this. be warm.
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mmm-amba · 1 year
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shout out kaytranada
for saving my ass on aux lol. i think it's funny that i always end up trying to aux even though i know my music is too low energy for pregames. now i know! i'll just play kaytranada and queue songs! and when the queue runs out it'll go back to kay who is a great default. this was a trick i learned from jf, queen of aux, whose default one night was say so by doja cat. whenever that song came on again he would start adding to queue.
i only recently got into listening to kaytranada, maybe like a month or two ago. this was spurred by two things. i thrifted his merch from goodwill awhile ago and i didn't wanna be a fake fan. but also like about a year ago a stranger and close friend both wanted me to listen to him. his sets are wilddd! his baselines are so tropical and warm which is funny because he's from montreal. en francais hon hon hon.
i love 10% with kali. cuz it's like, positive music:
You keep on takin' from me, but where's my ten percent?
Why you tryna lie for them?
Pretending who you are But baby why even pretend?
You're trying way too hard
Ego is not your friend I only speak the truth
No, I'm not trying to offend Why you tryna lie for them?
kali uchis actually embodies beauty. and kali and kay are both so lowkey, they make a great duo. kali's message here is such an important reminder like -- when you compromise, when you make a little white lie, when you opt for being convenient/agreeable, who are you doing that for? and at what costs are you doing that?
okay and here's this thing i've been thinking about. it's kind of long so that is my preface. my idea is: beauty/pretty privilege can be modeled by prisoner's dilemma!
prisoner's dilemma is this idea in game theory where two individuals are pitted against each other, and both suffer because they can't cooperate. if the two prisoners can cooperate together, their prison sentence is reduced. but the police or whatever incentivize them to rat each other out. in the end, the two people act in their own interest, rat each other out, and both suffer.
pretty privilege is social impunity. pretty privilege is when people treat you better than you treat other people. and there are many variants of pretty privilege: thin privilege, cute girl perks, hot girl perks, eurocentric girl perks, etc. the point here is that, depending on one's physical appearance, our post colonial society decides to treat people (namely women/femmes) better or worse.
example of pretty privilege (and also a counter example). whenever i ask for help -- is there a bathroom in this grocery store? can i get some free tap water instead of paying for bottled water? is this train going in the right direction? can you give me recommendations on what to order at this restaurant? -- strangers are happy to help. from my point of view, they're almost flattered that i would be willing to ask them! lmfao. the counterexample to this is the experience of Black men -- i can't speak to this personally but someone talked about how he never gets help. never!
another (counter)example of pretty privilege is when going out. like bars or dinner. i went to this chinese restaurant with a bunch of bengali grad student dudes and they seated us.... on the second floor... with all the white people! i was so incensed. but i was like, no, this makes sense. it was a big group, too.
so my idea is that. women/femmes are incentivized to make themselves as appealing as possible to reap the most amount of pretty privilege. this is the answer to kali's question, "why you tryna lie for them?". for me personally, as a chinese girl who's super short and not particularly curvy, i've noticed how i am invisible when i wear less revealing clothes. like, i actually look like i'm 13 years old. and like when i do makeup and such and glitters it does make people notice me, and sure it may bring unwanted male attention but it also establishes a certain baseline of respect. the more effort/time i put in my appearance, the more personal space i am afforded by strangers. and everyone who knows me knows that i hate being touched by strangers it generates massive ick.
misogyny and whatnot mold us to be appealing, to be agreeable. it's a wager of -- i'll look this particular way, i'll talk this particular way -- so that i can get the treatment i want. cuz sweatpants hoodie amba is not getting SHIT from anyone lol.
but then this touches on control, on entitlement, on vanity. because honestly i do feel validated when people notice me, whether it's like walking around campus or downtown or whatever. luckily it isn't the basis of my self esteem, but.. i would be lying if it wasn't at least nice you know? it makes me think about people who are very conventionally beautiful and just completely out of touch with the world because everyone is so nice to them and then the beautiful people are very mean because they don't know it's impunity. (i think my goal is to not let it get to my head. and i don't think it can get to my head too badly because i... want to live a happy life and not be caged in so i try to distance my inner self image from my physical appearance.)
(another aside: i think beauty is something that lifts people up. so i don't think the type of people i just described are beautiful. and that's why i think people like kali uchis are beautiful!)
(another aside: what about influencers and beauty? i literally grew up on youtube, but as i'm growing older, i'm realizing that influencers are like extensions of the beauty industry -- at the end of the day, they make money off of others' insecurities, usually. it makes me feel sad.)
the influencers segueway is pretty good, actually. because question -- what's so wrong about people playing the cards in their favor with pretty privilege? why can't everyone be pretty? because of inflation! and the proof of this is LA. QED! lol jk i haven't fully thought about these parts so i'm not really sure. but i do think that people out in the midwest are nicer for sure. like, everyone here just seems to have more substance. and people here are definitely less mainstream beautiful. i mean, how could you possibly be beautiful when i can't see your face and you can't see mine because we're all bundled up from the 10 degree windchill lol.
and finally let's talk about blame. blame or accountability, idk. to whom shall we point fingers for this problem? it's easy to point at the individual prisoners for being dumb and not cooperating. why can't they just agree to not rat each other out? why can't women/femmes just agree to not give into this game. but my opinion is that, the entire prisoner's dilemma set up is dumb in the first place, so at least when i think through these things, i'm not trying to blame those "beautiful" and mean people, or anyone at all. this reminds me of mina le's video about plastic surgery -- one individual person getting plastic surgery is never wrong, but the whole phenomena of plastic surgery among young, impressionable women is at least a bit troubling, right?
so yeah these are the things i think about instead of doing my problem sets! i'm going to heat up some dinner now and hopefully vacuum the apartment. i've been really happy because my roommate is out so i can finally have it as clean as i want.
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pbs-theundeadmaggot · 2 years
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Dear ‘Not All Men’,
It is sincerely disappointing that this phrase has been so prominent of late, at a time when we need to rally together and create change.
If you truly cared about the issue at hand you would stop deflecting attention away from it to protect your own ego.
If you were an ally you wouldn’t feel the need to let the world know that ‘not all men’ are dangerous.
You would show your support instead by calling out your friends/ acquaintances/any men in the vicinity when they make sexist jokes; or act inappropriately towards women.
Man respects man. Women can voice our disgust at lewd comments directed at us, we can ask men to leave us alone until we’re blue in the face and the man will most likely not care or change his behaviour.
Men have a privilege that they can use to speak up and call out acts of disrespect, or harassment disguised as anything but that, and make a difference but instead too many are using their voice simply to say “Not all men are like that. Not me.”
And if you read that previous sentence and thought “I would care, I would change my behaviour” and felt the urge to comment “not all men” then this is for you.
Realise instead that we are saying this out of experience. We are not making up stories to victimise ourselves and paint all men to be vicious beings with no care or respect for women.
We are speaking about the numerous times we can say “this actually happened to me, and my friend, and her friend, and my sister, and my mum.” Saying ‘not all men’ is making yourself part of the problem, rather than part of the solution.
We know it is not all men. I am very lucky to have some wonderful, close male friends who I feel safe around and wouldn’t be scared to be alone in a room with. But if I didn’t know them, and we were alone in a room I would be scared. I would be wary. I would keep my head down and make myself small in the hopes that he won’t notice me too much. I would look for my nearest exit. I would clutch my phone a little tighter, and wonder if it would be more effective than my fist. Because the man in the room with me may not be a danger, but how am I to know?
We are not saying that you should not be in that room with us. We are simply imploring you to understand that our being in there with you is not an invitation. That if you start to talk to me and I do not wish to engage, I am not forthcoming with my words, this is not me asking you to try harder. Or to comment on my lack of smile, or in fact anything about my appearance. My existence is not a request to get close to me, to touch my hair or my clothes, or to ask me if I have a boyfriend as if another man’s claim on me is all that matters.
And if you are in that room with your mate and they start to make comments, or leer, or intrude my personal space uninvited, call them out. You may think you’re ‘just having a laugh’ with the woman in the room who did not ask for your attention, but all she is thinking about are all the times these kinds of interactions ended the rape and/or death of a woman. This kind of behaviour may seem small and insignificant, but unchecked leads to harassment, assault, or worse.
If the posts floating around on the internet right now, advising how men can change their behaviour to change the narrative and make women feel safer, are causing you upset and making you feel attacked I ask you to imagine what it is like to be told from the age of five that you shouldn’t wait in the car park alone to be picked up lest you get snatched.
I ask you to think how many times in your life you have been told to not walk home alone, to keep in touch with your friends until you’re back to safety, locked behind your front door. How many times you had lectures at school, and college, and by your parents about carrying rape whistles when you’re out. About carrying your keys between your fingers, and shouting ‘fire’ if a man grabs you because nobody will come if you shout ‘rape.’ How many times you were told to wear a longer skirt and a higher top to cover your body, as if the problem is the girls and women being attacked, and not the men and boys attacking them. Ignoring the fact that thousands of women have followed those rules and still wound-up dead, or missing, or being sexually assaulted.
These are things that every woman is familiar with. These are things that every woman has been taught to do time and time again. These are things that are not going to put a stop to violence against girls and women.
So, instead of shouting ‘not all men’ into the void, direct your energy towards changing the narrative. Educate your sons, call out your friends, listen to the people living in fear as to how you can help. The behaviour of women is not the behaviour that needs to change.
Signed,
We’ve-Had-Enough
Check out the full article here!
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