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infernwetrust · 4 years

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Luke Langdon [Michael Langdon x Fem Reader] Pt 1.

PART 2

PART 3

Summary: The one where you and Michael have a child together, but like most relationships, there are parenting differences.

Warnings: angst, swearing, a little violence, fluff ig? kinda cute. emotional. I cried towards the end of this lol.

WC: 1.2k

A/N: Short, but a 3 part series! Updating Wandering Eyes, soon. I will be posting another chapter of AHS 1984: Between the Lines, soon as well. Thank you for reading!

"And you'll grow to rule the world." Michael said softly to his 2 year old son who stared up at him, a giggling mess every time his father spoke. "They'll bow to you and attend to your every need. That I will make sure of, Luke." Luke spoke, his sentence barely audible, but it warmed Michael's heart anyway.

"I really wish you would stop telling him all that stuff at his age." Y/N said as you walked in the bedroom, towel wrapped around your body. Michael cocked his head to the side, confused as to why you wouldn't want him speak these things to your son.

"What's the problem?" he questioned, his eyes squinted at you.

"I wish you would stop giving me that stupid look too." You were wrong. It wasn't stupid. It was one of the most sexiest faces that Michael could ever make, but you were mad at him for trying to cement his greatness into the child at a young age. You wanted him to enjoy his younger years without having to stress like Michael did. "You know what the problem is, Michael, because we've had this conversation before already."

"Mrs. Langdon, you've lost me." Michael spoke. "You don't want me to tell our son how great he's going to be? How he's going to rule the world and have people beg for his mercy? Or how they'll drop to their knees and crawl to him, wishing they were in his position, but they know they never will be? What's wrong with boosting his confidence?"

"He's a damn child. I want him to create his own experiences. I want him to tackle the world for what it is. I don't want you teaching him any of his powers until he's the right age. I don't want you to mention what he is. I want him to live a normal life for a while, Michael."

Yes, this wasn't the first time you and Michael had this conversation. He sighed, standing up with the 2 year old, gently placing him in his play pen. Michael promised you every time that he would stop, but then you would catch him saying the exact same thing. You had to admit, him being enthusiastic about his heir, gave you chills and made you smile, sometimes though.

"You know, love." Michael began as he sat back down on the sofa. "I really wish you would be a little bit more honest with the real reason that you don't want me to start instilling my greatness into our son. You're afraid, Y/N. Just say that."

"Afraid of?"

"Afraid that he'll go down the exact same path as I did. Am I right or am I wrong?" Michael's eyes turned a solid black color as he grinned at you. "You're afraid that he'll be rejected, confused, searching for answers, heart broken, just like I was."

"That's not-"

"Don't lie to me, now. I can already hear all your thoughts." He stood up, the room around you slowly getting dimmed as he trapped you and him in your mind. "And while those are all reasons for valid concern, I assure you that he won't have to go through that. I won't abandon him like how I was. As long as I'm here, all of his questions will never go unanswered. He will never have to worry about rejection or feeling loved. He won't worry about needing a place to stay." Michael still wasn't understanding and you were so shy of losing your temper with him.

"Get out of my head." you said, jaws clenched.

"Why do you never just admit things to me? We've been married for 6 years now."

"I said GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" you screamed, causing the both of you to immediately snap out of whatever trance he locked you two in and his eyes returned to their normal color. You had tears falling from your eyes as you shoved him repeatedly in his chest. "I ask you to do one thing and you just can't fucking listen! That's your problem, Michael. You never fucking listen."

"Y/N... I suggest you lower your tone. You're scaring our son." He glanced towards the child, who had an extremely concerned look on his face, then looking back at you. You were over his lack of emotion and stormed out of the room.

"UGH." you screamed as you stormed out, throwing your fists to the side.

"Y/N!" Michael called after you, following you out of the room. "Y/N!" He caught up to you, grabbing you by the arm. You hated that he was so fucking fast. It was like he basically teleported through the room. Still angry, you snatched your arm away, turning around to slap him. And then what happened next, happened way too fast for you to gather your bearings. All the furniture in the room was upside down, some things broken. Michael had you pinned up against the wall, his eyes blacker than the night sky.

"Don't make me, make you, regret doing that." he said with venom in his voice.

"Fuck you." you responded, choking on your own words.

"I could snap your pretty little neck right now and you'd be a thing of the past."

"Do it then. That way I don't have to watch you try to fuck up our son's future." He sighed, his eyes once against returning the normal, him letting you go. This time there was no anger. He stared into your eyes, but not for long before he looked away, squeezing them shut and sighing once more.

"I just... I just wanted to..." he began to say, throwing his hands up in the air and back down to his side. "I get it." A tear fell from his eye as he shrugged. He couldn't even help but chuckle a little bit as he struggled to hold back his tears. This was the first time you've ever seen Michael so emotional, not cuddling Luke, or playing with him, in a while.

"You don't want our son to be a coward like I was. You don't want him to be a failure like I was. Fine Y/N. As of tonight, I won't speak to Luke like that anymore."

"Michael that's not what I was trying to say." you said, walking towards him, but he stepped away, turning around and heading for the backdoor. He pushed them open aggressively, not caring if they slammed into the sides of the walls, before he slammed them back closed, not caring if the glass shattered. All of those things were easily replaceable. You could see him out there, pacing back and forth and running his hands wickedly through his hair. If you couldn't see any better, you would say that he was hyperventilating. Then all you heard was a loud,

FUCK.

You watched as Michael through the lounge chair across the deck before continuing to pace around. You felt horrible. You didn't believe Michael was a coward or a failure. You simply just wanted your son to be able to reach an age where he could fully understand. You didn't want him to be forced out into what he really is like his father was, but like usual, hot-tempered, Michael misunderstood. You sighed, wiping away your tears, deciding that you would give him a few minutes to calm down before even attempting to talk to him. That last time you tried to intervene, it ended with all the new dishes you two bought being completely shattered.

And you would hate for that to happen again, especially with Luke in the house.

Taglist: @jimmason @angelicmichael @whatcodysaid

#cody fern #michael langdon #michael langdon imagine #ahs #ahs apocalypse #american horror story #american horror story apocalypse

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whetstonefires · 4 years

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Do you think the DC fandom maybe, Infantilizes Tim a little too much? Like for a rich kid character who's main trauma for a long time was a getting left home alone too much there's an oddly amount of meta abt how much how much his parents hurt him~ compared to, y'know the two poor characters who grew up with physically abusive dad's+druggie mom's, or the two that were raised assassin cult's, etc

…well, yeah, I do kind of think that? His whole schtick for so long was being too old for his age in ways that didn’t sacrifice his jokey, relatable teenager energies. It’s weird how little of that we see anymore, sometimes.

And then DC broke him and discarded him and he’s sort of awkwardly hanging around getting reimagined as more woobie with every fan generation. It is weird!

But tbh I do get it. And I think the reason his parents’ failure of him and his vulnerability get played up so much, and Jason and Steph’s sufferings (while used a lot for things like motivation and context) not dwelt on quite so much in the same lugubrious style, are kind of the same reason.

Which is that canon didn’t commit to it. Jason and Steph’s experiences with bad parenting were foregrounded and retconned more dramatically awful several times. (There’s some definite classism in how that was approached imo, and I’m never budging on being mad about DC retconning out Catherine being sick and then ignoring her forever in all Jason characterization because a drug death invalidates a person ig, great message during the opioid crisis guys.)

They engaged and coped with it–Steph (and Cass, our #1 canon batfam parental abuse victim) pretty directly, Jason a little less so because of the dubious and fluctuating canon status of most of the content more specific than ‘poverty, homelessness, theft, parental drugs and crime in there somewhere,’ so most of his parent issues have been focused on Bruce. He sure has dug into them tho. 😂 Rarely well or productively, thanks DC, but it’s explicitly part of his character, is my point.

Whereas upper-middle-class Tim was always treated by the narrative as fortunate and unharmed by his experiences with his parents. Even though they were clearly behaving badly in several ways, and Tim showed signs of being harmed by it.

Tim outside of immediate moments of frustration always was of the opinion he was Fine, and Very Fortunate Actually.

Therefore a huge chunk of the numerous everyone who’s got parent-related mental and emotional harm, but has struggled to have that validated and hasn’t responded with a lot of anger toward the parent, identifies with Tim. The only one who’s never really lashed out at his parents for fucking up with him. The one who still needs it explored, because canon ultimately didn’t.

[editing post to put in a readmore because lol it’s long, post otherwise unchanged]

(Dick obviously didn’t ever have any Issues with the Graysons, but he Angry Teenagered at Bruce so hard it changed Bruce’s characterization permanently, rip.)

The things Jason, Steph, and Cass have been through are dramatic, obvious, and fit stereotypes because that’s what they’re based on.

That’s important content to have, but because it’s right out there in your face even people who identify with it quite a lot are less likely to feel the need to work all the way through it again in fanworks. That part’s there. It’s text.

(Well actually Jason having been physically abused kind of wasn’t? I think? It was mostly assumed on the basis of stereotyping and Jason’s not caring about the man much even as he felt possessive of information about his death, which is valid. I don’t actually know what’s up with Willis now, Lobdell did some weird shit that lacked emotional resonance or staying power because he’s Lobdell and has no soul.

Cass’ wandering years are also ludicrously underdeveloped. But very very few comics fans or writers can personally relate to being amazing child warriors with no grasp of language living feral under bridges. That part of her life is consistently represented in terms of absences, in terms of its deviation from the norm and the deficits of normality it left her with, which is typical but unfortunate.)

The interesting things to do with these characters are often informed by the bad stuff in their childhoods, but there’s relatively rarely that much more to say about the fact that those things were bad. They know they’re bad. They’ve had a lot of on-panel rage about it, as discussed above. Steph and Cass both beat the shit out of their dads.

Jason is, in fandom especially, a sort of Platonic ideal of a kid who’s mad about his bad childhood and really bad at figuring out where to point that rage.

(Damian is a whole other kettle of fish, because he’s been lumbered by so many detailed retcons coming so fast no two people can seem to construct compatible models of what his early childhood was like, and even more because he’s still ‘a child’ enough that he’s necessarily in a different stage of processing than someone who’s officially only a few years older than him at this point, but still functionally 8 and also 20 years older, and whose parents are no longer in the picture to continue screwing up.

Also there’s no question that if he brings up an abusive thing the League did, he will be validated by his current environment about his realization that it was in fact bad. There’s a lot of fic on that theme! But it doesn’t have the same tone precisely because it is usually understood that that support will be there if he wants it. Realizing that his previous context contained things that were wrong keeps being made the focus of his arc.)

The badness of Tim’s childhood, on the other hand, was mainly in subtext. Even when we were clearly meant to understand Jack was fucking up, like when he canceled plans with Tim at the last minute to go on a date with Tim’s stepmother, or that infamous time he came to apologize for not being a great parent and got mad Tim was distracted by a crisis on TV so he flew into a rage and took the TV and smashed it and was like ‘that’ll teach you,’ it wasn’t leaned into.

The story didn’t treat Jack as a minor villain to be overcome but like a sort of environmental hazard of childhood, like homework, to be endured and coped with. Tim said things like ‘it’s fine’ and ‘at least he left the computer.’

(And like. It’s not about having a TV and computer in his room. It’s about not letting a child have boundaries, pointedly not respecting a child’s possessions, creating an emotionally insecure environment, punishing minor infractions in proportion to their momentary impact on your own ego, physically lashing out at a proxy for the child…)

Rather like Tom King later didn’t understand about the punching from Bruce, whoever did that story (probably Dixon? I don’t care enough to check) did not understand how serious a case of bad parenting that scene was. That is most definitely textbook abusive behavior. (It’s a hell of a lot more common abusive behavior than being a lame supervillain or shooting you when you screw up, and a lot more specific than ‘was a thug, might have hit me, dead now.’)

And Tim was never allowed to be mad at his parents about it. It was fine. He needed to be ignored so he had the freedom to be Robin. He deserved his dad being mad at him because he was keeping secrets. He complained too much, although objectively he did not.

The universe punished him for ‘complaining,’ more than once. We cut straight from him shunting aside his disappointment that his postcard from his parents was just to say they weren’t coming home yet after all with ‘if it will stop all the fights they’ve been having lately it’s more than fine’ to them getting kidnapped.

He agreed not to come on the rescue mission. His mom never made it home, and his dad was in a coma for a while. And then ultimately Jack died as a result of Tim’s decision to be Robin, immediately after finally deciding to accept it.

So Tim walks around feeling a huge burden of responsibility for his parents’ deaths, and completely unable to process any hurt they did him as real or valid, especially in comparison with the far more blatant awfulness other people have been through, and canon is clearly never going to address it. Or even acknowledge it properly.

Let me repeat that because it’s kind of my main point:

People are fixated on getting Tim’s emotional abuse validated because that’s an incredibly important step in recovering from emotional abuse, and it’s one canon consistently denied him.

How ‘bad’ things are ‘in comparison to’ problems other people have is a bad and unhealthy way to engage with trauma. Okay? That’s just a really harmful framework to apply to pain.

It’s also a way that both Tim and people with experiences similar to Tim’s are encouraged to engage with their own experiences, compounding the existing problems.

So. Not a form of relatable DC was ever actually aiming for when they tried so hard (and pretty effectively) to make him a relatable character as Robin, but an enduring one for a lot of fans.

So Tim’s childhood is a natural target for fanworks in a different way than the traumas that have been made explicit and taken seriously by the text. And then a lot of that got compounded by the way the introduction of Damian as Robin was handled, and the lack of resolution that got. And his current status as not quite having a place in the family anymore.

So between the level of projection encouraged by that context and how relatively difficult to access Tim’s Robin run has become ten years after the fact, this has led to a lot of fanworks on these themes that are based mostly on other fanworks, and stray further and further from the original content.

So at this point there’s an entire wing of Tim’s fandom wherein this side of him has expanded enormously, and he primarily exists to suffer, frequently in ways that 1) escalate to a point that is inarguably ‘valid’ and hard to dismiss and 2) set him up to rebound from it in whatever way the writer finds emotionally satisfying or useful–being ultimately cared for and reassured by people who value him (the most infantilizing option but like, popular for obvious reasons), or unveiling his brilliant scheme that was causing him to pretend to be passive in the face of mistreatment, or turning around and using his genius ninja skills to wrest power back from his abusers, or just laying down some sick burns about being treated fairly.

But not that many of the last one, because that’s mostly done with other batfam members.

Tim’s become a vehicle for a lot of vicarious coping that Steph and Jason just aren’t appropriate for, because they get angry and they get even. And those are stories that exist already, so there’s less scope for telling your own.

And because Jason’s reaction pattern is ultimately so masculine (i’ll make them all sorry! with my guns! blam blam!) while Tim’s is pretty gender-neutral, the demographics of fanfic mean that the bulk of the people using Tim vicariously in this manner are female-aligned, which has over time feminized this archetype of him a lot. Sometimes in ways I find really uncomfortable, like there’s a lot of forced pregnancy stuff which activates my panic buttons. x.x

But, ultimately, it’s fandom. People are going to do what they’re going to do, DC in their perpetual fail has hung Tim out to dry in narrative terms, and I’d rather the people who are using Tim for victimization narratives over the people who can’t dismiss or discredit him fast enough now that his position has been filled. 🤷‍♀️ What we gonna do? Fave’s in an awkward spot. DC hates us. This is the life in this comic book pit. XD

Also if you’re the same anon who left me a callout about op of that weird Steph post in my inbox, or if you aren’t @ that person, 1) I refuse to get involved so I’m not answering that ask 2) those aren’t even particularly dramatic fandom crimes? That’s pretty normal? That’s just…Caring Too Much About Ships And Disagreeing With Me.

Do I also feel those opinions are kinda bad? Yeah. But I disagree with everyone about something. Chill.

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itubainaretro · 4 years

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In a parallel universe everything’s the same as in this one, except coronavirus isn’t a thing and everything is just as it was supposed to be all along. Without the madness that a pandemic can cause going to concerts is still a thing, Love On Tour is still happening and Sander is just as excited as Robbe to be waiting in line for Harry Styles’ concert.

Sander used to tease Robbe for liking Harry until the day he asked Robbe why he liked Harry so much and the younger boy answered him by saying he loved the way Harry wasn’t afraid of being exactly who he was and how the way he was so unapologetically himself inspired Robbe to be proud of who he was too, not to mention he was really talented and his songs were great, and also that Treat People With Kindness were both Harry and Robbe’s moto in life. Sander was sold, he understood exactly what Robbe was saying because he felt the same way towards Bowie.

That’s why he decided to give it a go and listen to his music. In all seriousness Sander wasn’t even surprised when found out he loved most of his songs, both from his self titled album and his lastest one, Fine Line, because the guy really was good. Sander loved his lyrics and their meaning, and how he could see many of them in his and Robbe’s life, especially Fine Line. When he heard those lyrics his heart broke and was sewn back in the span of 6 minutes and 20 seconds and all he could think about while listening to it was that day back in December when Robbe found him at the Academy and how he kept saying that it was okay, that Robbe was right there with him, and wasn’t that what Robbe was trying to say all along? That they’d be alright? As soon as the song finished Sander had made his mind up and he was determined to get them tickets for his concert in Antwerp.

And he did, by some kind of miracle he found out there were still some tickets available so he got them. When Robbe found out about Sander’s surprise he couldn’t believe it and he had the biggest smile Sander has ever seen plastered on his face for about two weeks straight.

So fast foward to the 25th of May and here’s where they are now: waiting in line at the Sportpaleis to see Harry Styles’ Love On Tour.

They’ve been buzzing with energy the whole day, that good type of anxiousness before a concert flowing through their veins while they wait, finding everything amusing and loving every second of it.

As soon as the gate opens and they get inside the venue, Sander makes sure to lead them first to the place where they’re selling Harry’s merch because he wants Robbe to have a souvenir from the concert, whichever it may be.

When they get there Robbe lifts an eyebrow and looks questioningly at Sander.

“You can choose whatever you want”, Sander smiles.

Robbe looks incredulely at him, “No I can’t, they’re too expensive.”

“Nothing’s too expensive for you, cutie”, Sander winks and gives Robbe a kiss on his cheek.

When Robbe still hasn’t moved, Sander tells him once again to go pick something and he can’t really say he’s surprised when Robbe choses the yellow Treat People With Kindness t-shirt, so he happily pays for it and they go find their seats.

The wait for the concert to finally begin is filled with conversation, music, laughter and excitement, especially those last minutes before the start, when the lights go out and they wait for Harry to show up at any moment now.

When the first chords of Golden start playing the whole place erupts in screams and Sander doesn’t think he’s ever seen Robbe this happy in his life. Hell, he doesn’t think he himself has ever been this happy in his life. The atmosphere is insanely good and they’re already having the best time and Harry hasn’t even finished the first song of the night yet.

It goes on like this for the rest of night - they have fun, sing, dance and laugh because Harry is ridiculous sometimes and so are they, especially when they’re dancing, and it feels so good to let go like this, forget that the world exists even if it’s only for a couple of hours, and live in the moment being themselves. They particularly love when Harry makes a little speech and talks about love and how every form of love is valid and that this is a place for them to be who they are, love who they want to love and to be proud.

They almost lose their voices singing to Sunflower vol. 6, Robbe’s favourite, and Kiwi, which Harry sings two times just for good measure. Canyon Moon lifts everybody's moods after his slower songs are played and by the end of the concert everybody goes insane during Lights Up. When this particular song comes up Sander can’t take his eyes off of Robbe while he sings to every word of the song, feeling proud of his boyfriend for knowing exactly who he is and being out and proud about it. He can’t stop himself from kissing the life out of his smiley lips as soon as Harry finishes singing the last verse of the song and Robbe has this really sweet and dopey smile on his face. And if during She Robbe and Sander kinda forget that they’re in the middle of a concert with thousands of people around them and make out a little more than they should in public, well, Mitch’s solo is too good to go to waste.

The first chords of the last song starts playing and as soon as Sander recognizes it’s Fine Line he hugs Robbe from behind and Robbe immediately intertwines his fingers with Sander’s and holds their hands above his heart. When Sander first heard the song and thought about that day in December he told Robbe about it and mentioned how this was probably his favourite song of Harry’s, so it kinda became their song. They move slowly to it while they sing the lyrics almost to themselves only, with hushed voices and soft tones, and it’s the most beautiful thing either of them has ever experienced. When the song crescends while Harry sings the chorus Sander feels emotional and he knows he’s not the only one, he can feel Robbe’s heart beating faster, and he can’t help himself when tears fall down his face when the outro comes up and Harry finally sings we’ll be alright. He buries his face on Robbe’s neck and he feels like he’s never felt happier and safer in his entire life.

Right there in the middle of thousands of screaming fans, when Robbe turns around and hugs him properly, by the end of the song, Sander feels like that moment is just for them.

After holding each other for a little bit longer, Robbe kisses Sander and thanks him for the millionth time for doing this for him.

“I did this for you as much as I did it for me, love. I kinda love the guy now too, you know?” Sander smiles at Robbe and gives him a kiss on the nose.

While they wait for things to get a little less chaotic so they can leave safely, they go through the photos they took during the concert and show each other their favourites.

“I think I’ll post this one”, Robbe shows Sander the photo he took of the crowd holding their pride flags while Harry sang on the background.

Sander nods and shows Robbe his phone, “I like mine better.”

Robbe rolls his eyes but can’t help a smile from coming up on his face, “Sap.”

Sander hugs him once again and Robbe kisses whatever part of Sander’s body is closest to him in the moment, which ends up being his neck, “I love you, baby”, his voice is muffled on his boyfriend’s skin.

“I love you too”, Sander says after pressing a kiss to his head.

their ig’s posts:

i hope you liked it! keep in mind that english is not my first language and no one proof read this so all mistakes are mine.

dedicated to my baby @lightinthed4rk

treat people with kindness, lovelies

#wtfock #wtfam #sobbe fic #robbe x sander

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thatssonano · 5 years

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Hey, remember the research paper about why TV fails to represent female muslims? Well here it is.

Hey guys,

So I'm finally gonna try to write a real little thing about how TV fails to write muslim women. I thought about doing a real research paper and I wrote the introduction and got really anxious because it reminded of my very stressful master degree lol so this is much more simple. Anyways, let's get to it.

As a kid, I was very hungry for representation on TV. Mostly because I had no models, no one to identify with. As a very introvert and self-conscious kid, I didn't know what to be or what to do. At some point, I started looking up to my sister, very beautiful, very intelligent and very ambitious girl. So I thought "I ought to be like that, that's what a muslim girl like me should be like.”

Thing is, I wasn't as smart as she was, my grades were not as good, I wasn't as pretty or as popular at school, and there was not a single box I could fit in. I ended up being the "weird but nice little sister". But I was so invisible everyone would nickname me "Sarah 2" (my sister's name being Sarah.) And you know what? For the first time, I felt like I existed. Because I was "the little sister". Dude, how sad is that?

I was too white for them, not muslim enough, too weird for them. So obviously, it was tough to pave a way for myself when I was the only girl like me.

The first time I was finally not nicknamed was when I got into college at the age of 17. Only because we didn't choose the same college. And I understood I didn't have to be as smart or as ambitious as her, I understood that I didn't have to get the life she had when I was 22. 22, guys.

I'm turning 26 in one month. And I chose my own life. But God, how much time it took me to realize that there wasn't only one type of "the muslim girl"? 22 years.

I'm not saying that to share about my life or whatever, I just want to show the consequences of not having representation on TV. And for sure, many people don't care about representation, my sister doesn't, my brother doesn't. But I do. Maybe that's because I'm hypersensitive, maybe that's because I believe art should mirror reality. All I know is that it's necessary for many.

I met Sana Bakkoush on a random fan video about several fictional couples on youtube. I didn't know Skam then but there was this second in the video where I would see Noora and William staring at each other or whatever, and there was this beautiful hijabi girl in the back. I had to know what this show was about. So I did my research and binge-watched it. With much luck, I got to the end of the whole show before episode 3 of season 4 came out. So I learnt to grow with Sana, I fell in love with her, and I just felt like I could understand her. I was her. I finally was validated with her. Up until episode 5, all was well. And then,… it just broke? Still today, I'm trying to understand how they could let that happen and I guess there's one obvious reason. The writing staff was white. Julie Andem is white. And to me, if you're not from that community, you should not try to write about this one.

As the plot thickened, you could feel like it was unbalanced, incoherent, and that many things didn't make sense. But that's pretty normal, because if you don't live the problem, you can't understand. Now I won't curse Julie Andem for not trying, but I guess what should have been done was to hire a muslim writer. And God, people can't tell me it's too tough to find. Even if it was not Iman Meskini's job, she could have asked her. God, this girl taught more about ramadan through her ig story than Skam ever did.

Now I'm not saying she didn't do us all dirty when she gave us 9 episodes instead of ten and it all broke us on June 17th 2017 (Yep, this day is a national holiday now). And honestly, I've got not one good explanation for this except they didn't feel her story was that important. Unconsciously, I hope, because it would be too evil otherwise.

The reason, to me, that Sana was so many people's favorite character was because Iman Meskini gave her so much realness. Sana was strong yet vulnerable. Everyone, muslims like non-muslims could understand her, and I think she inspired so many people. Her life is amazing, and she's what now? 22. I really hope she gets a Nobel Prize in the future, she deserves it.

Now let's talk about the others. I think it'd be a bit faster.

Imane Bakhellal. Uhm. Well the main issue is the same, she was written by a white man. So obviously, it was 1. wrong. 2. wrong. 3. wrong. The story barely focused on her faith and whenever we'd see her pray she'd be interrupted. Look, I've been praying for 13 years and the only times I've interrupted my prayer were because I had just realized I had not done wudhu. Or I was too jet-lagged so I was praying in the wrong direction.

Thing is, Imane didn't make me feel anything. And it was even sadder, because I am a muslim living in Paris. To me, her story wasn't focused on her, it wasn't even focused on religion or her struggle living between two cultures. I didn't learn a thing. And God, that hurt. That hurt even more when the director didn't acknowledge it was poorly written and was actually proud of it. It hurt that white people get the right to write our story and we're there, not having any voice. It sucked. But I guess, she had ten episodes, right, even if the last episode was within the same day.

It didn't really bother me that she kissed him. The speech she recited did though. I got really frustrated about it. How hard would it be to find a muslim writer? Honestly, I would have been glad to join them, even as a volunteer.

I'm not actually mad at the actress, I guess it was just a reflection of her relationship with islam. And I know many people got the representation they wanted, but to me, it remains poorly written. To me, it remains hypocrite because they don't get it. Being a muslim woman of color in France sucks sometimes. But having at least her story focused on her would have been great too.

Ok, let's move on.

Amira Mahmood. I love her a little less than Sana, but I mean come on, that's understandable, right?

Amira is strong, she's beautiful, kind, smart. And her season was going well, until it wasn't anymore…. Because, well, it ended. I keep on wondering why it happened and I came with no logical answer. So maybe it was lazy writing, maybe it didn't matter to them, maybe the writers were just tired. I don't know, honestly, I don't know. But it pissed me off bad. (Honestly it was the third character I was let down on, lol, it started to be a lot to handle). Also, the other seasons were so greatly written, they had depth and understanding, it was soft and beautiful. And to me, season 4 just felt… lazy? Sure, I loved Mohammed but the Australia plot wasn't even that important it actually got fixed over text? And how hard would it be to find exciting plot for a muslim character? What? Everything should be about kissing, hair and sex? Well, no. I mean, I would have loved to see her actually working, I would have loved to see her actually bonding with her dad, I would have loved to see her at a boxing game… The summer and fall after I graduated high school was a very hard time to me, mostly because it was a time of discovery and transition. Everything was changing. God, they should have explored that more. So I don't know, I just felt detached then, and I think that's more sad, actually.

But I do believe the actress did a great job, and I wish Tua all success.

Shall I give a little paragraph on Nadia from Elite? Hell yeah I'm going to. Well, the show is focused on sex so, I mean, are we even surprised the writers did this to Nadia? Not really, but we're still mad. Again, it was written by white people; who focused on all the stereotypes people spread about muslims. The strict dad? Check. The very quiet and invisible mom at the mercy of the dad? Check. The muslim girl who does not actually know why she's religious and only follows her parents' footsteps like a sheep because islam is just way too strict so no one in their sane mind would ever venture in such a religion? Check. The hunger for having white friends and doing the same? Check. Falling for a white guy and giving up everything she ever "believed" for him? Check. I hope the writers heard about what people had to say about it.

Honestly, I know some would say "there are muslim girls like this". Well, ok. But what about us? We've been invisible to society for years and years. I grew up without having a single fucking idea about who I was and I just always felt like I was the odd one out. Too white, too Algerian, too muslim, too girly, too boyish, too into traditions, following too much her parents' rules… Well, growing up I just decided, I will never be enough of something, because I’m a little of everything. So yeah, some muslim girls do that, but some others don't. And we want to see these girls too. We want to normalize their way of life, so they can just live. And we want them to have the same screen time than the rest of the cast. And we want them to have exciting plots too.

God, I've been smothered by the fucking veil debate in France for weeks and weeks and I couldn't breathe anymore. That's why we need visibility. To be acknowledged. To erase ignorance and hate. To create a homogenous society in this globalized world where everyone is different and it is okay. Because as long as your liberty isn't in danger, then the other can live as he wills.

To finish I guess some of you would be like “if you’re so eager to criticize the work of others, just write your own story” Well I did. I actually finished one scenario in French and I have just started one in English. But how can I actually make it into reality if I don’t know anyone in the business bold enough to work with me on it?

Honestly if you've read all of that, congratulations, thank you so much, love you all, peace out.

I didn’t write everything I wanted but I believe it’s long enough already lol. Be safe, well and kind. (that’s what Bob Morley says and he’s a king).

#love #islam #muslim representation #skams #Skam #Druck #skam fr #elite #nadia shanaa #amira thalia mahmood #sana bakkoush #imane bakhellal

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piprocrastinator · 4 years

Text

A P9 Anon ask~

I had someone ask me about my thoughts on P9 and they gave me some examples of their point of view on the matter.

And just so it’s clear everyone is allowed their opinion and as long as they are not forcing others to agree to! Meaning that if you tell me your opinion nicely I will probably approve because I love hearing opinions and see other people's points of view, it’s a great way to broaden your horizon. Just because I support something that might be opposite to what your support doesn’t mean I don’t welcome your opinion.

If that makes any sense, so thank you Anon!

First, off I’d like to say thank you for one your point of view and the examples, it’s always nice to back up opinions with examples. :D

Second, this is also my opinion but I’m going to try and make it non-bias.

That being said, I think it’s very important to point out a few things. As fans, we only see what they want us to see and even during times where we think that we are seeing something secret or something we’re not supposed to see. You know those videos from events where the person touches the other person and everyone is like ‘ah a secret moment’ and whatnot. It probably is just a random touch that we’ve taken out of context or it’s a purposefully touch to promote them via fanservice. The K-pop industry and the Bl industry (Thai, Taiwanese, and the like) utilize their fans using fanservice to promote themselves. What we think is a secret touch could very well be carefully planned out action.

I’m not going to go any deeper into that right now but it’s something we need to keep in mind as we look at our idols or actors in general. It's something I try to keep in mind while I delusionally ship my ships.

That being said, Pavel is VERY into fanservice. He’s loud brash and the one who really knows what’s up and doesn’t mind hinting at it because he’s a troll and a tease. (And he’s wonderful for all of those reasons so don’t take that the wrong way). Pavel is a man that loves to tease but he also teases each member (of OXQ or 6moons whichever) differently and that’s because each person takes to it differently. Meaning he knows what each person will take as a joke and what they won’t and that’s on friendship.

I think Nine and Pavel have an interesting relationship because much like Ben when they first met they all had English in common so they could communicate secretly without the others knowing and I think now even when most the others members can speak it alright enough to where it’s not really like a secret language anymore it created a different sort of bond between them during filming and then subsequently, their friendship.

NOW FOR SOME ANALYSIS! Because I love this part soooooooo (even if it's not really analysis as much as it is opinion.)

I think Pavel like most people fall for cute things and Nine is cute and small (and very handsome) and like everyone in the world when we see cute things we want to treat those things with kind and gentle hands. Which means his touches toward Nine might be different than let’s say Dome because Dome is cute but he also has bulk and works out with Pavel so he perceives him different and therefore Pavel’s touches towards Dome will be different. This has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity! And everything to do with the types of friendships he has between them. Nine and Pavel and a distinctly softer friendship about them at least from what we can see of them.

Anon mentioned that Pavel makes over the top jokes like that day he went onto the live and was like talking about fertilization and stuff and I can’t find that picture but it’s great but I’m pretty sure that was done with like Dome (or Ben… maybe it was Ben, Yeah I think was... idk) I can’t find the source and I don’t remember…. Sorry. But anyways He doesn’t do that with Nine, most of his crude jokes are for the others. And I think that has to do with the type of friendship that he has with Nine. Whereas the others he’s all for like daddy jokes, and fertilization and moaning and such he really doesn’t do that with Nine and that could be because he jokes differently with Nine because Nine takes jokes differently or has a different sense of humor when it comes to those things or it could be (and this is my J9 dulu sneaking out) It could have to do with Joong.

Actually, Everyone in the fandom knows that Joong gets sulky easy and he’s sensitive to things so regardless for J9 relationship Joong might get sulk depending on how the others joke with Nine because they monitor each other’s amount of skin shown and cursing so it wouldn’t be a far stretch to say that maybe Pavel jokes differently with Nine as to not upset Joong, and that’s about friendship and understanding not about dating and whatnot, to be clear.

Then there was that event where Pavel and Nine body rolled against each other which I don’t have the video of that either and I can’t find either. But that felt like fanservice.

And that time that Nine got angry because Joong and Pavel (and Ben I guess) were snuggling which is a moment that I’m still not really sure how to decipher because you could see it whichever way you like because there is very little context to go with it besides we know that Nine was sulking that day and later didn’t want to include Joong in his Ig story thing with Ben. Buuuuut if you wanted to you could say that Nine was mad at both Pavel and Joong, which would add a moment to the P9 debate.

There was the really scandalous picture Pavel posted of Nine, I mean just look at that thigh.

Which honestly same. If I had an attractive friend and I knew people liked to see pictures of them AND I was Pavel who knows how to stir things up, I would have totally done the same thing. This might be one of the leading things in the P9 argument and it’s valid. There’s a lot of thigh happening. Also if this was some sort of like secret ‘we’re dating’ type of pictures, it’s a good one. It’s like enough to be like they could have totally done something with each other but also vague enough that many people would wave it off like nothing.

I just wanted to put it out there for reasons.

Moving on I think that it’s a bit important to mention the OXQ ship that’s been going around.

There is a VERY VERY high possibility that their company might be trying to push some fanservice in the form of P9 because that’s how they want to be. It could also be some secret thing they have going on. If one were to look at these interacts as like aP9 situation then sure maybe they are just showing more of that side of their relationship. Or maybe it’s just because of placement and based on kpop which I have a feeling is a major influence in this group for many reasons, it is a very common trend for everyone in a group to be shipped with everyone. Regardless if you ship that ship or not. Many companies (I dare say, all of them) promote ships because it sells. So this might be P9 using their proximity in their formation to promote a ship thinking that it will sell….. but I think it’s the companies choice as far as these go.

If nothing else form this I think that Pavel and Nine have a very different relationship than Pavel and Dome do and thus comparing their relationship is really productive in terms of trying to figure out ‘who Pavel may or may not be in a secret relationship with’. I think that Pavel treats Nine differently because their friendship is different. Pavel and Dome are aggressive with each other because that’s how they’re relationship works. They go to the gym together, talk dirty jokes together, call each other daddy, they put of shirtless pictures of each other, and show off each other’s boxers. They just are.

Pavel and Nine's relationship is softer probably to do with the amount of time they spend with each other and from how Pavel views Nine. Nine is smaller than the rest of them and maybe that opens some innate feelings in Pavel to protect because honestly same. But also

Maybe Nine's looks are making him feel the gay feelings. Who knows.

I was thinking when I first saw this that maybe it’s Nine's personality because Nine is moody and gets angry easily. When I saw this I immediately thought that Nine just pics fights with everyone but like accidentally and that’s what he meant. But everyone was taking the unstable as like the gay way.

This was a terrible rant that did nothing and I’m sorry :D but I think that all the boys of the 2moons2 cast have a good relationship with each other and to say that we, the fans, only know a fraction of the details of those relationships would be accurate. We know exactly what they want us to know and nothing else. We can speculate all day about it and we do and I think that’s the great things about ships and idols is that fanservice is a big part of their industry and as long as we know that they are still humans and support them regardless of their ship (and wither they date the person you ship them with or not) then we can ship them with whoever for whatever reason.

IN CONCLUSION, I write too much and get nowhere in life. But I think Pavel and Nine are friends and Pavel likes to tease and flirt and their company might be trying to push out every ship they can to try and attract everyone they can because of money. But I do think there is a very distinct type of love in Pavel's heart for Nine and all the 2moons2 boys.

TLDR; Pavel and Nine are soft together, they probably have a secret bond that may or may not have been formed when they meet and related over English. They are good friends and Pavel likes to tease and he's good at it. I doubt there's anything past that mostly because of this

#anon ask #thanks for asking #I'm never any help with these #but I love answering them #I'm always open for questions #or if you want something with more in-depth detail #I can try that too #I love when people talk to me uwu #thanks #this was a p9 talk #2moons2 with just 2 of the moons

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princessamandai · 5 years

Text

I’m really sad.

Idk why I’m sad or I do but idk how to express it? I rolled kinda hard & took a lot in the span of Tuesday to Saturday & I feel like it really fucked up my brain. I know the usual side affects ofc but this seems different. Everything is making me sad. My sister had a lil break down at a party we were out & it really scared me & made me sad, she’s in a lot of pain & has gone thru a lot & I can only do so much for her. I couldn’t really enjoy the party afterwards maybe I should’ve just gone home but I was trying to shake the feelings & maybe that wasn’t the best choice. The next day my little sister didn’t like the birthday posts I made for her which seems small but like I spent hours making this really long video & I thought she would appreciate it & like I see her on IG so it just feels like she’s purposely not liking it. Our relationships been different since I moved & I miss her a lot so it just seems bigger to me. It also made me sad that my sister & our friend hung out without me or even inviting me which sounds childish but we haven’t had a chance to all hang out together when we used to always hang out mondays. Like I just felt left out & i know I get off later now but it’s like an invite would’ve been fine even if I couldn’t go, at least I’d know they thought about me you know? Sometimes I just feel like an after thought & it makes me sad & I think is it my fault? Am I not trying enough? & it just brings my self esteem down. Like is this just the after rolls affect? Or is my depression creeping back? Idk idk but I’ve been wanting to cry I’ve had this kind of looming feeling of wanting to cry so maybe I’ll feel better after this, hopefully. Also you know what sucks? Having feelings for someone who isn’t ready for you. Like I’ve only known this guy for a 5 months but out of all the people I’ve been with romantically(4 total) he’s the only person I’ve had so much in common with. It was just really nice but ended & now I’m stuck with these feelings & idk how to make them go away. (Sigh) I’m really nervous for tomorrow too, we’re going to see my dad & I haven’t seen him in 3 years. He’s not been the best person & he’s still not the best person, more on the boarder of being a decent person tbh just kinda barely. But I do miss him he’s still my dad & I would feel horrible if something happened & I didn’t see him. I know he’s struggling & I want to help but at the same time he’s put himself in these situations & I don’t want to be taken advantage of but like it’s so hard to sort my feelings for him. Like he’s my dad he’s been in my life until I was idk 13? 14? So I do have good memories with him but I’m also upset at all the shitty things he’s done. Im mad he didn’t come to my grandmas funeral like even if he was broke or whatever that was like his mom & it’s so rude of him not to lay his respects but it would’ve been nice to get some support from him too. My mom was not the best during that time & it was really hard. It’s also almost been a year since she passed & her birthday was hard enough so idk how that’s gonna go. I’m just so sad & I feel like little things just keep piling up & now I can’t get up from under them. & idk what to do to help myself & it’s nice to talk about it with people but I feel like I’m a burden with all my feelings & people in my life are going thru a lot already I don’t want to drag them down with my problems. So here I am writing all my feelings & thoughts down just to get them out into the universe so I can cry & try to overcome these feelings. It’s hard to talk to people about some of this stuff. It seems so minuscule & I have to remind myself my feelings are valid too & I don’t always have to provide context & back stories to make myself feel like they’re valid. Ugh I’m ugly crying & ive got snot running down my nose & I think I have a headache now :c well on the bright side my right eyes been swollen since Wednesday so my puffy eyes won’t be a big deal tmrw lol what a silver lining.

#9/16/19 #me #personal #reminders to myself #It’s almost 2 am I’m gonna try to sleep #I really hope no one reads this but I think I feel a little better after writing #this post is a mess of my thoughts & its kinda embarrassing

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ua-monoma · 5 years

Text

.08.21.

... ... ...

ua-sugarman

So where are ya?

Dragon guy is cool too, but he's on THIn ICE

And Shark boy is completely cool!

ua-monoma

He has a name...

@s-sharkboy

Haha, thanks!!

ua-sugarman

Don't care

@ua-kamakiri

They both have names...

ua-sugarman

You shut up.

ua-rin

Oh... um... apologies.... I did not mean to overstep my place.

ua-sugarman

You're welcome, Namiko.

Right.

Ya weren't there.

ua-kamakiri

Don’t tell me what to do.

ua-rin

Yes. Of course. I’m... I’m sorry. I was only trying to help.

ua-monoma

Don't fucking talk to him like that.

ua-sugarman

Oooh

@ua-chargebolt

Oh, enough! We were all, or pretty much all, there, we went through some shit- sorry

Shouldn't we be sticking together and being supportive, instead of arguing?

ua-sugarman

Nah

Too late for that

ua-chargebolt

This doesn't change what happened.

ua-sugarman

Need a spotter still. Yer not helping >:(

ua-rin

Monoma-kun... thank you. But I should accept his anger if I am part of the cause, regardless of intent. 😔

ua-monoma

You don't have to accept anything.

Emotions aren't validated just by existing. He's being ridiculous.

ua-kamakiri

Don’t accept anger from him.

ua-chargebolt

But you're not, it's that stupid simulation, it's that stupid game, and all the bs we had to go through.

ua-rin

Ah... thank you very much.

ua-monoma

If you want to lash out, if you want to take your anger out on someone, take it out on someone who deserves it.

Take it out on me, I was the one who killed you in the first place.

Leave him alone.

@ua-hc7

Now now, children...

ua-sugarman

ah.

So you did?????

ua-monoma

Of course I did.

And I'd do it again, you annoying little twit.

ua-kamakiri

Don’t you fucking dare take it out on Monoma either.

ua-rin

Please... Monoma-kun....

ua-kamakiri

Take it out on a punching bag or something.

ua-sugarman

Guess I will...

Frigging PRINTER is here...

ua-hc7

😯

ua-chargebolt

what

ua-monoma

Of all the disrespect... You're embarrassing yourself and you're embarrassing your class.

ua-chargebolt

I mean, we all died in flames, but sure, class rivalry.

We're really zeroing in on the important things now

ua-monoma

Be quiet, it wasn't even real.

I'm not talking about the damned simulation, I'm talking about him disrespecting the people he's going to be working for in a few years.

ua-chargebolt

Felt real at the time but plus ultra ig

ua-kamakiri

This entire conversation is futile and dumb.

ua-monoma

Shichirou-san, I apologize on his behalf. The likes of him doesn't represent our school, I promise.

ua-hc7

😃 Quite alright, quite alright.

I'm not hurt. You don't have to worry!

ua-sugarman

...

ua-kamakiri

Cool.

ua-chargebolt

So, what do you think is representing our school, then... because I'd hope it wouldn't be anyone at the orientation

Not the kind of thing that brings out the best in people

ua-monoma

Nothing that happened at the orientation was real.

This is real. So, it counts.

ua-chargebolt

Ah.

((kami vc: So that's what you're telling yourself))

With that in mind

Maybe don't call my classmates names.

If this counts, then maybe be nice.

ua-monoma

Tell your classmates to do the same and I'll consider it.

ua-chargebolt

Very mature response.

s-sharkboy

Wait are we pretending the orientation didn’t happen. Cause like. We thought it was real. And it still happened so I mean. Fake consequences doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.

Then again, is this real? Hell if I know, hahaha!

ua-sugarman

He got it.

ua-chargebolt

"Just because it's happening inside your head doesn't mean it's not real"

ua-sugarman

Namiko got it.

ua-monoma

...

ua-chargebolt

But

I digress

ua-kamakiri

Let Monoma just chilll.

For fucking once

PLEASE

ua-monoma

It's fine.

You're all just upset that you lost.

ua-chargebolt

Kama, I wish he would chill..

ua-monoma

I'd be upset if I lost, too.

@s-camie

we all lost

every one of us

ua-chargebolt

Oh, ,we're gloating now?

s-camie

we all lost something

ua-namiko

Well duh haha who isn’t upset by being murdered. But yeah wasn’t really a real winner. All our asses got kicked and packs killed.

ua-chargebolt

Yeah, UA is looking real good now.

ua-kuroiro

What the fuck.

ua-kamakiri

We’re all being petty whores.

ua-chargebolt

All is a stretch, and you know that

ua-monoma

I proved I could handle whatever was thrown at me.

That's all I did.

ua-chargebolt

And whores coudl reaally do with a rest

ua-kamakiri

Okay. Everyone is being a petty asshole.

s-camie

this is fucking ridiculous

ua-monoma

You all proved that you can do a fantastic job at laying down to die while I did what was demanded of me.

It is not my fault I did what you couldn't.

ua-namiko

Gasp. We didn’t try to kill you. How horrible.

I mean I respect your decision but man, not cool.

ua-monoma

It was survival of the fittest.

Kill or be killed.

You of all people should understand that.

And respect that.

Hah.

ua-chargebolt

Oh, yes. The medic will

@ua-setsuna

Guys what the fuck

ua-kojibondo

[Bondo is online].

Stop. All of you.

I don't care about your choices or whatever.

ua-namiko

I do! I mean, I try to be a good medic - thank you, Kaminari! - but u get it. Mad respect for trying to save your pack - team - whatever you want to call it. I just didn’t think it was part of the whole “heroic ideal” thing. Guess I know better now.

s-camie

what even-

ua-monoma

What did you think it was a part of, then.

ua-kojibondo

Your feelings on the matter are valid

ua-monoma

Enlighten me.

s-camie

being a hero isn't KILLING YOUR FRIENDS

ua-kojibondo

But really.

ua-namiko

Self sacrifice?

ua-kojibondo

Shut up.

ua-monoma

Haha.

ua-kojibondo

All of you.

MONOMA.

ua-monoma

Which of you are my friends? I don't even KNOW you. And you, Utsushimi. I don't even like you.

s-sharkboy

Whatever. I’m sorry. Point is: not happy being fried, but I get it. You’re cool. Congratulations on winning. Murder is bad, but you were strong and made tough decisions and I respect that. Sorry for making you upset. 😔

ua-monoma

Thank you.

s-camie

monoma , quite honestly, i don't give a shit if you like me or not

i'm not a fan of yours either

ua-kojibondo

MONOMA.

Shut up.

ua-monoma

No.

ua-kojibondo

Why?

Stop this.

s-camie

we all went through hell and back and i'm not going to argue about this anymore but we need to stop talking about this

ua-kojibondo

This is senseless.

ua-rin

Please... we don’t have to fight. The whole thing is the fault of a villain, not each other. I understand that it’s not my place to speak, but... please....

ua-monoma

I wasn't the one to start this.

ua-kojibondo

You can speak, Hiryuu

It's not like you have to ask for permission

ua-monoma

The second I start defending myself, I'm the bad guy again.

I'm the villain.

ua-kojibondo

...

ua-monoma

How is that fair?

ua-kojibondo

Stop that.

ua-rin

You’re not a villain, Monoma-kun.

ua-kojibondo

This is getting senseless quickly.

ua-monoma

Then I'm senseless.

ua-kojibondo

No you're not.

s-camie

stop talking

all of you

ua-kojibondo

...

s-camie

we need to stop talking about what happened and focus on what needs to be done now

we can't change what happened

ua-chargebolt

Monoma, you insulted my classmates,, gloated about winning a real morbid game, and straight-up told Camie that you don't like her

And your surprised peopel didn't like that?

ua-kojibondo

So... What are we doing?

ua-rin

You’re not... Monoma-kun, please come over. We can talk together. Let this die down.

ua-monoma

My classmates were insulted FIRST. You will not put the blame on me for this when the damn caveman you associate with doesn't even know how to behave in public.

I'll come over now, Hiryuu-kun.

ua-rin

Thank you... I’ve missed you.

ua-kojibondo

...

ua-monoma

I've missed you, too.

I'll let this die. Obviously I'm the one causing all this strife. I won't bother anymore.

[Monoma is idle]

ua-chargebolt

For now anyway...

ua-kojibondo

Fine, then. Blame yourself.

ua-rin

You’re not! Such things are not the fault of one... ah.... I’m sorry, Monoma-kun....

s-camie

i'm so sick of this

ua-rin

I apologize for any part I played in this. Have a good day.

[Hiryuu Rin is idle]

#monoma.log #dismemberment.arc #darknessarc #satou #kamakiri #namiko #rin #kaminari #bondo #setsuna #camie #shichirou

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elaizahramirez · 5 years

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THE JOURNEY TO FINALLY FINDING MYSELF AND LOVING MYSELF AFTER YEARS OF BEING LOST STARTS NOW

Hi, sooo I really made this tumblr account not to be famous or whatsoever but to be my outlet like a virtual diary... A blog where I can freely post whatever I want because this is the only platform that most of the people I know don’t use. Last Saturday [October 12, 2019] was hard for me. I broke up with my 5 year boyfriend after realizing how much he’s been verbally abusing me. It was too much to handle that out of impulse I said I wanna broke up with him. He agreed without a fight, He let me go... Sunday, October 13 2019 — After feeling the impact of what I did I kinda regretted it. Because of course, I super duper love him with my whole heart that I can take everything, even pain just to be with him. So I messaged him, tried fixing it, asked him if he still love me... the only reply I got was “I love you, but I don’t wanna fight for you. And if you really want to, then it’s up to you. But for me, I really don’t want to anymore” fuck. All I can say is fuck. Well my reply was “okay, thank you so mhch for everything. I promise you won’t hear anything from me. I love you. Goodbye” and after that blocked him. it was painful. So fucking painful to the point Im having a hard time to breathe. It was so fucking painful. I put my heart and soul to that relationship. Putting him first before me, loving him whole heartedly, giving him all the love, money, patience, understanding that I can give. I FUCKING FORGIVE HIM A LOT EVEN THO IT’S WAY TOO PAINFUL FOR ME. All i do is forgive and forgive and forgive so yes when I say it’s painful to be slapped in the face that the person you love and willing to dodge a bullet for, can’t do the same for you IT’S TRUE. I’m mad because I felt like left when he found an open door to leave... HE GRABBED THE CHANCE THAT HE WAS THE ONE BEING LEFT BEHIND SO HE DOESN’T LOOK BAD TO OTHER PEOPLE.. SO I’M THE BAD PERSON IN THIS STORY BECAUSE IM THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH HIM FIRST RIGHT? but no, i have my reasons. AND ALL MY REASONS ARE VALID AND WITH PROOF. after crying the whole night. I then realized a thing. That this is partially my fault. You know why?? because I didn’t love myself enough to fight for myself. And that’s why I just let people manipulate me, and step over me again and again and again. I hated myself for letting me get hurt and get mentally tortured. After realizing this, I realized that no matter how much it hurts.. I will never want to go back in that relationship again. I WILL NEVER GO BACK. before, i would always go back as soon as he cries begging for my forgiveness. it’s also one thing I hate about myself. I AM VERY FORGIVING AND A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED. So I learned. I learned that I need to stop forgiving people who doesn’t even deserve it in the first place. I love my ex boyfriend so much. I loved him more than I loved myself. and that’s my mistake. I shouldn’t love anybody like this. After all this realization. I made a firm decision, that I will abide by my promise (which is he will never hear from me ever again). I atleast owe myself that. I should respect myself enough to be firm in every ultimatum and every thing I say. Life without him is hard, and sad. I’m not used of not taking care of him. not waking him up to go to school and work, not waking up early to talk to him, not saving his ass whenever he fails and many more. But I guess this is the end of that chapter of my life. And this is where self love, self care and self discovery begins. after 4 days since the break up... I decided to disappear and isolate myself. Because I felt like I seek too much emotional support from friends that I can’t handle myself alone.. I don’t need that. I wanna learn how to be strong alone. And Also, I am obsessed by looking if my ex viewed my ig stories, if he’s thinking about me or if he’s miserable without me. It is draining. even tho disappearing and isolating myself will be hard for me because I am a person that likes to socialize. I just don’t wanna be a burden to my friends because they have their own problems and life too. I don’t wanna spread negativity everyday

I don’t wanna give that heavy energy everyday. That’s why I’m doing this for me. I’m doing this for them too. I was lost because of my past relationship. I was a happy girl before, and now I have depression, I isolate myself and have trust issues. clearly thi relationship broke me piece by piece and it’s my responsibility now to put myself back together wthout the help of anyone. ONE MONTH OF FULL SELF RECOVERY AND DEDICATION. im just giving myself one month to back off, breathe, think and see my life in a different perspective. I love my past relationship, and i’m grateful for it. Because if it weren’t for him. I wouldn’t be so motivated to be stronger and better today. Today is the start. Sooo for this I will post everyday like a usual journal of what happened, what I learned and etc. So I can have something to look back at.. SO I CAN HAVE SOMETHING THAT I WILL BE PROUD OF MYSELF. I’m proud of myself for breaking up with my ex, because finally after so many years I had the guts to choose myself. even tho i regretted it a day after... but after that I just wanna focus on myself more. And just be happy I did it. Because if I didn’t probably i’ll just be crying again everyday because of how my ex treats me. he’s not a bad person. it’s just that we all have our issues and maybe he has his issues that he doesn’t know how to deal with. anyways I just love him. so for this challenge that I put myself on, HAHA i will not be talking to my friends, I will not be going through social media, I won’t be posting anything on any social media accounts except my youtube channel and this tumblr account. That’s it. I will post another blog about my checklist and how I plan to do it lol. anyways to whoever is reading this. I love you, and whatever it is that you’re experiencing right now, YOU WILL SURVIVE. My goal after this challenge, is to be okay, happier, stronger and braver 🥰

#self love #selfworth #self made #self care #isolating myself #come back stronger #how to come back stronger than before

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depressedbabayaga · 6 years

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Journey of a House Witch

Hello fellow witches and mad scientist.

This is the first blogpost and of my first blog ever so your patience please, I’m not an English major so, cope.

My name is Krista, I have been researching witchcraft and folk magick for about two years now. Overall the experience has been amazing. Being in college and working, researching magick, something I otherwise knew next to nothing about, reignited my “I still want to be a mad scientist and learn everything” spark.

What was specifically fascinating to me was how strong the sense of community, sisterhood, and overall connection to family. Something that I personally have rarely, if ever, felt. However, my issues or questions come into mind are in the validity of my practice and research and finding my place among the community of witches.

In my practice so far; I am self-taught.

Reading book after book, stalking witch community pages on Facebook (which is nice because I learn best by myself.) However, studying like this has frankly brought up more questions than answers. I am often questioning the validity of what I am finding or researching. There are a lot of things I believe or that I find myself interested in that don’t quite fit. Such as I am an Atheist, I don’t believe in healing crystals or astrology (mostly), or any deities. If anything, I believe in magick, in the sense that it is all in and from your head. If you want it to be, then force it to be through sheer willpower and spitefulness. (It is also worth note that I do not judge or look down on anyone who does believe in what I don’t. I genuinely enjoy discussing faith, practice, and spirituality with others because I am fascinated by it.)

When it comes to healing, I am drawn to herbs and oils as tools because it has science behind it, and when I am growing my plants or mixing my tinctures, I feel like I am participating on one of the oldest practices that as a human being I can do. I guess I could say that my current struggle in being a new baby witch is that I don’t know what kind of witch I should classify as. Often asking myself “should I even call myself a witch?”. My “spells” are mostly affirmations or sheer willpower to turn the universe or situation too my favor, something very American satanism in concept. I am an atheist scientist in a craft that is predominantly wiccan or pagan, which makes things even more gray.

At this point it’s fair to ask why I even identify or try to identify as a witch if I struggle so much with the validity and faith in the community. The honest reason is because it is usually in this community that I can find the individuals that are apart of or connected to the things I do believe in compared to most other social groups. If I went to my coworkers and tried talking about my rosemary growing exponentially after the latest full moon like it was my child, they would look at me like I’m crazy.

Labels, for example are especially confusing. I classify as a solitary witch because I am self-taught, but I love finding community and trying to learn from other people. I am a death midwife, so that could classify as a death witch, but I don’t communicate with the dead, my goal is to just make your trip to the boatman a little less scary and alone. I’m fairly neutral in my outlook and believe that balance is key so a gray witch could work as well but I feel like there’s a lot of wishy-washyness mixed in with that, and my Capricorn ass won’t accept anything wishy washy despite my entire existence is gray area.

Lastly, I love to cook and I have always loved herbal medicine and science. Creating healing medicines and teas wakes up my inner mad scientist like no other, but can someone be a hedge/kitchen witch and a death witch??? I know most will say to be whatever I want, and don’t worry I will, but having been raised in a Southern Baptist church and family, the idea of specific roles is still very prominent in my thinking. In the fewest words possible. I am a witch at the end of the lane. I am not apart of a coven, but with my community, the hearth is always warm, the medicine is always stocked, food is in the oven, and both the living and dying can find safety and comfort at my door. I am a human being using the powers at my disposal to help my community in any way I need to. Be it holding your hand in prayer to your god or slapping you upside the head when you get yourself into trouble. I’m only 23 and I’m already a grandmother with a hundred grandchildren at heart. Is a House Witch a thing?

{Feel free to submit or dm questions. My IG is @Otherworldwitchcraft if you want to see my day to day.}

See you next week.

Otherworld Witchcraft

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relaxandlaughatyourself · 7 years

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Recap of Ika IG Live 3-5-18

This is the third of three IG lives from Dem and Ika last night. This started off as Ika solo after Dem’s phone died while he was at Brad’s then Dem was added for about 15 minutes after he got home to charge his phone and talk to Ika.

Link to screenshots.

Ika comes onto ig live because she said she put some powder on and a little bit of makeup to look good for Dem, but his phone died, so she figured she’d go live with us while looking good.

Talks about how Dem gets when he drinks. She’s happy he’s with Brad and at his home and safe.

She said Dem doesn’t like wasting food or money, and it doesn’t matter how drunk he is, he was mad. She says he’s the responsible one with money in their relationship. She said his whole family is like that. She said they’ll go to an event and he’ll think about what it cost to run the event.

Things Ika learned about Dem after the house: “He’s a crazy person. But I miss him so much.”

She said Dem and Brad’s friendship is like that, where they annoy and yell at each other. Ika: “I’m always telling him to be nice. How ironic is it that I’m always telling him to be nice?”

She says today was so hard. She said in LDRs you miss some milestone, but the good thing is that they have such a good relationship and he treats her so well everyday that she didn’t miss Valentine’s Day. But she missed his birthday a lot because she cares about his birthday even if he doesn’t.

She’s really thinking of doing a bbcan6 recap youtube video. It would be a five minute weekly recap. But her problem is that her camera doesn’t have a microphone input, she’d have to get an external mic. She’s worried about the audio not being good enough as well as the background and lighting. She wants to put out good quality videos. She’s scared to do it. She also mentioned doing vlog type videos where she does her makeup and talks about current events or whatever she wants to.

Jason Roy was in the chat. She said he was so good to her and Dem, he showed them a great time and came out when he said he would.

She’s watching her friend’s daughter, who is currently sleeping in the bed next to her, and she is snoring so loud.

She drank two glasses of wine tonight. She is sad Dem’s phone died because she wanted to talk to him.

She talks about Beyonce’s song shading someone for touching Jay-Z. Ika says all it did was validate her craziness when it comes to Demetres. She said if Beyonce can feel that way, she can too.

She said her friend (Alecia) told her that she is so crazy about Dem, she had never seen anything like it and never seen her like that. Ika knows she’s crazy.

Ika says she’s not a jealous person, but she doesn’t want anyone touching her man, keep your touches to a minimum.

She tells us of when they were in Niagara and a girl came up to Dem and asked for a pic with Dem. But she started talking into Dem’s ear because it was loud and she started touching his face way too much. Ika says that she tapped her away, not a full push, but swiped her away from Dem.

Just before that, they were in the club part, some former bbcan HG was in Dem’s face, touching him, smiling, was being inappropriate. Topaz was there and even she was wondering why she was touching Ika’s man like that. Dem felt uncomfortable during this as well and got out of the situation. This person is Ika’s friend and was/is always talking about hot Dem is. Right after this they went to leave and that’s when the other incident happened. She won’t say who she is, but she was not on bbcan5. Ika didn’t expect it from this person and said we’d be shocked if we found out who; the person was drinking. Ika still sees her and hangs out with her, she didn’t cut her out, but she sideeyes her hard. She doesn’t want the person to get dragged or anything.

Ika has never worried about another girl stealing Dem from her, they just laugh about it. Dem feels the same. But Dem is jealous, but never gets upset at Ika, he’s more possessive. He’s jealous in the way you want him to be jealous. Ika says her and Dem are the same kind of crazy. Both of them don’t think they could lose the other to someone else.

She says she misses him again. Ika then talks about her friendship with Leighton and how they talked about how they would steal Dem back if some other girl took him. Ika: “When it comes to Dem, I just love him so much. We’re not leaving each other, we’re just not. We’re just not leaving each other.”

Ika says that Dem is with Brad and Brad has an iphone so Dem can’t charge his phone. She says he’s probably going crazy because his phone is dead and he may go home to charge it. She says he won’t fall asleep without calling her, he won’t be able to do it.

She says whenever Dem gets drunk, she knows almost right away because of his text messages, he gets extra loving and extra sweet and missing her a lot more. She keeps saying she misses Dem.

Talks about how amazing her skin (on her face) has been and how she doesn’t wear fake nails.

Someone asks what her favorite trip with Dem has been and she says so far it’s the road trip to see Karen.

The live pauses because Dem facetimed her. She says she knows her man and she’s going to go call him. But he comments and she adds him.

He said he hopped in an uber, that he had to get on Brad’s phone, and got back home. Ika: “I knew it!!” Dem: “I need my baby.” Ika: “I love you baby, I know.” Dem asks if he told her how beautiful she looked today, and she smiles and says no, he hasn’t told her in a long time. He says that’s baloney and he told her yesterday. Dem: “Look at you…” Ika: “Look at you, you’re so wasted.” Dem: “Baby, I just love you.” Ika tells him how much she misses him.

Dem says his friends are asking him to play Fortnite. She asks what that is and he says it’s the video game her sons are playing. They were all playing Fortnite at Brad’s. Dem: “I gotta go talk to the person I love. Forget Fortnite.” He talks about how he wants to be good at it but he sucks.

Brad comments and Ika thanks him for taking Dem out. Dem goes on another mini rant about not knowing how to play Fortnite.

Ika asks Dem how to get the little girl to stop snoring and he says to turn her on her side. He says that’s what he does to stop snoring. Ika: “I sleep with you a lot and you don’t snore.” but he says he does. She just doesn’t know because she’s a heavy sleeper and he makes sure she falls asleep first.

Ika says she’s going to get off IG live cause he’s lit and they need to talk in private. Dem: “We’re not talking in private right now?” Ika: “No, we’re not talking in private right now.” Dem: “There’s people watching?” Ika: “There’s people watching us, honey.”

Ika tells Dem she told us about the BB girl who touched him. He says “If my girl finds out about this, she’s going to light you up.” He mentions someone touching his butt and Ika realizes he’s talking about what happened at the bb19 finale wrap party not Niagara. Dem says it could have gotten ugly and they had to keep it together, Dem knew Ika wouldn’t have cared who was there, she would have went off. It was a bb19 HG, she doesn’t like her. Dem didn’t tell her about it until after the party and she was mad he didn’t tell her until after. She says she would have dragged the girl.

Ika: “I’m going to go call my boyfriend. He’s so drunk, he’s drunk texting in here. Let me go call him.”

#demika #ig live #dem birthday

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playboipeachi · 4 years

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May 5th Feelz

Lately I’ve decided I’m over people treating me like shit. I always thought I had high self-esteem because I’m fairly confident about the way I look/my personality, but it’s not true at all. I let dudes walk all over me because I wanted male validation so badly. What’s up with that? I mean, I’m so numb to men treating me like shit that I literally wouldn’t be angry when these boys were cruel, I still wanted their attention, GROSS.

So I was seeing a dude and I was feeling like I was putting in all the work in this relationship, so I decided to pull back and see what would happen, and you guessed it, nothing! He just stopped talking to me too. So we sorta broke up.

This particularly stung because we’d been hanging out for around 6 months, I’m just so frustrated because I REALLY liked him. I kept waiting him to change into the person for me but he never did. His emotional unavailability was so intense it felt like he was in some sort of impenetrable bubble suit. I just wanted him to let me in because I figured once I was in he’d start being the person for me. He’d be complimenting me and giving me the validation I wanted. He’d desire me and spoil me with whatever I wanted. But damn he didnt even want me posting pictures of his dog on my ig lol,woof.

It was weird because the infatuation with this one felt so different than my more recent relationships. Normally the guys I get with are cute (usually kinda dorky) and it’s their charm and sense of humor that ropes me in. This was totally different. My body felt like it went into autopilot with him without the consent of my mind. Butterflies ALL THE TIME. I was obsessed with the way he felt in my hands. There was something very beautiful about his soft curves and how I felt in his arms. This all sounds so cliche, but as I’m writing my feelings I realize why these things are cliches, because that’s how it actually feels and it’s hard to describe otherwise. He had this incredible smile with these perfect teeth. I also loved loved loved his dark brown eyes. There is something about brown eyes that really kills me. As someone who has blue eyes I can say I much prefer Brown over anything else, it feels like the most sincere color. I loved the way he explained things to me. My favorite thing about him was making him laugh. He was naturally on the reserved side, at least around me (I think he’d say otherwise), but I could really get him to laugh and that always felt SO GOOD. I just wanted to spend all of my time with him.

But but but, that is the cotton candy part of my brain. We honestly weren’t compatible. I say I wanted to spend all of my time with him, but tbh he made me feel like I couldn’t express ,y thoughts and feelings because they would seem “too much.” He really did make you feel like you were “too much.” Too loud, too intense, too affectionate. That feeling then caused me to not really stand up for myself and to pretend to be cool with things that normally I would not be cool with (ignoring my texts, ditching plans last minute, all this super blah blah shitty stuff). It’s weird because it made me mad, but then I got over it because I liked him. It’s like I’d try to just forget it so it wouldnt cloud the peachy vision I had of him. Also he was a dick and when you watched his dog he asked you to take down photos of his dog, which is embarrassing. I still feel weird and sad about that. It’s so stupid cause lowkey I was like “he’ll think these are cute” and then he didnt lol and it didn’t make him want to be my boyfriend either. Ugh. He didn’t really like me all that much. And that’s the biggest bummer. He probably liked me some, but not a ton, and that makes me sad because personally I think I’m great and if I were him I’d like me a lot lol. It’s also SO dumb but I think one of the reasons I liked him was that he was just so hot and so good in bed. I REALLY liked the idea of him on my arm and a dreamy life of trips upstate and cute coupley instagram content and everyone would be like “damn, kk has a hot bf.” But ugh whatever. He also told you to your face that he didn’t like your hair. He also did NOT compliment me enough at all. That’s lame. I wanna be spoiled. Or, if even not spoiled I at least want to feel like my partner is excited about me and thinks I’m the most brilliant girl in the world.

Ugh, so yeah that one was probably not meant to be, but I’ll take some time getting over it and working on something else.

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chelseaonjta-blog · 5 years

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a list of all the weird/stupid things i have done so far on JTA (in case i forget)

i’m pretty tired right now because i just came back from italy and the bologna airport. i say those are two different things because one of them is something i truly, really love (italy) and the other one is a weird and grueling experience that is the reason for the creation of this list (bologna airport).

i wanted to list down all my memories on trips, like my itineraries etc first, but since i’m not that masipag yet and am prone to laziness and forgetfulness, when writing this came into my head, i was immediately more excited to write it and i decided to just go for it. so here it is, my weird list of Things I Wouldn’t Have Done If I Weren’t On JTA (alternatively, Things I Would Never Have HAD To Do if It Weren’t for JTA).

- sleep at an airport. this takes the cake, really (so far -- i still have morocco to go!). i guess it was also in the choice of airport i decided to sleep at, but let me tell you, Bologna Airport should not be high up on your “Airports to Sleep At” list. Really. I don’t consider myself very snooty or fresa, and I’ve braved through a lot of gross things. But this. I couldn’t take it. I guess it was through this that I realized I’m not that type of person who can just sleep anywhere. I need to be horizontal, man. It doesn’t even have to be a bed, just something I can lie on. We arrived at bologna at around 1:30, found a cab (ooh, that should go on the list too...more details later) and arrived at around 2am. I tried to sleep. I really did. I just couldn’t. I slept for, at most, an hour, between 2am and 6am. I was sitting, trying to position my backpack and my Italian plates (which were pasalubong and I still have no regrets about buying) while trying to get my upper body and lower body in a comfortable enough position. It just wasn’t possible. Maybe I’m just too long ? which sounds funny, but rly. neither my upper nor lower body could fit in one seat of the chairs, and if i curled myself up on the chair it was just ... difficult. so i ended up sleeping like i would on a bus, except it wasn’t a bus and i was bothered that i had to sleep this way at all. this may sound really angry, but to be honest, i’m not at all. really. i can’t really describe what i felt, it wasn’t really frustration, it was just...grueling. which isn’t really a feeling but...it is what it is. so there i couldn’t sleep, and then when the airport opened and we went past immigration, we found more comfortable seats (these ones actually had cushions on them -- oh yes, the ones we were trying to sleep on at first had no cushion, just metal. it was those chairs you find right in front of check-in counters) and i could sleep better, even if i was curled up and was using my backpack as a pillow (which i had put on the seat beside me...i think at this point i just said fuck it to stranger danger, pickpocketing, stealing, and thieves. i just wanted to close my eyes.) so i slept a little bit more, having 30 minute naps. and then we boarded, and i slept the whole flight. and i tried to go to class. but that’s another point, i think. for this one, it’s very simple: chelsea can’t sleep all night at airports. or chairs.

sidenote: bianca slept fine. i’m truly amazed

- walk around bologna at 1:30am figuring out the cab system. it was quite a stressful early morning, even before the whole airport situation. i didnt know how taxis worked in bologna, which shouldnt have been a problem because they should work like anywhere else in the world, except they didn’t. apparently you’re supposed to call one in advance, and its not common to just flag one down on the street. happy ending for this one though, because on my 2nd try we got one! God BLESS that man. idek how true the whole “u can’t flag one on the street” thing is, but if it is, TYG for this not-so-ugly/kinda cute (he wasn’t cute, but he wasn’t what you’d call pogi) taxi driver. and he had CARD

- oh yeah...which leads me to number 3: pay for a 10euro gelato. guys. it wasn’t even that good. bianca and i were going around florence, looking for cheap gelato. we went to 3 different stores, comparing prices. 4 euro for the smallest size was too expensive for us. so we got excited when we saw this place had gelato for 2.5. steaaal!! we got cups, but then it was only after that i realized that he didn’t get the 2.5 cup...he got the 10 euro cup. :---) and the cannoli, which the dude said was only 1 euro, turned out to be 7 euros. :---) maybe he didn’t say 1 euro, maybe he said 7 but we didn’t hear...either way, i ended up not having cash on hand anymore for the rest of the day. and that was around 11am. :---) and that is how i found out the hard way that most Florentine stores only accept cash. i CRY for my 13.5 euros. it would have saved me a lot of grief later on.

what type of grief? the grief i am currently in as i type this. ok, it isn’t grief. but let’s call it that for now. as i mentioned on my finsta-finsta IG, aka the mobile and easier access version of this blog, I didn’t want to sleep in the afternoon because it would mess up my sleeping sched, so i decided i would go to my spanish class at 3pm. too bad i ended up taking a nap and waking up AT 3PM. which was fine, i mean all spanish people are late and its not uncommon to have people come a little later than usual, even to classes. but i still had to buy a T-10. i had prepared for this -- i had both my card and 50 euros so i could buy a card. neither worked on the machine. i’m kinda worried about my card, it didn’t work on the airport machine either (bianca had to double use her T-10, bless her), but whatever. it worked on the bologna taxi...should be fine. anyway, by the time i tried all 3 machines and decided to give up, it was 3:15 and i felt that even if i did go to class, it would be waaaay too late, even for the spanish. so i called it a day. i broke my 50 by buying ben&jerry’s, bought a T-10 with the loose change (so i wouldn’t have to go through this shit again) and went back to the apartment. like i said on my ig, ben&jerry’s is my alcohol.

but i digress

- get fined. ok, this one’s on me. and bianca. we deserved it. we were so aware of how much we deserved it that we didn’t even get mad anymore. I mean, we really deserved it. so rewind to 2 days before the gelato and the airport, and we’re in rome. we’re on the bus, and we notice that absolutely no one is validating their bus tickets, and the bus is packed. the driver doesn’t even know who goes in or out. so we decide to just not punch in our cards. big mistake. really, BIIIIIIIIIG MISTAKE. out of all the buses, the police decide to climb on to ours (ok fine..it was crowded, we were otw to Vatican which meant a lot of tourists, etc. etc.). and of course we were caught with unvalidated tickets. so we had to pay a fine...54.9euros to be exact. TYG it could be paid by card or I would’ve cried, because the fee of paying it somewhere else other than the time of getting caught was around 100+ euros. well i already felt bad about losing 54.9 euros, but again, I deserved it. so take note, kids ! be good citizens, ALWAYS ! validate those cards!

- run like hell to catch a bus. i had the paris incident in mind, but i realize that that’s happened a lot to biancs and i. but the paris one is GOLD -- we wanted to watch the eiffel tower sparkle, and we calculated it would sparkle at 8pm. Our Flixbus (best company tbh) was schedule to leave at 8:42 pm. accdg to google maps, it would take us 40-42 minutes to get to the station. so we had to be quick. at 8:00 sharp, the lights sparkled, we gasped, took some pictures, then RAN. i can still visualize the scene. a live performer was playing “can’t help falling in love”, it was already dark (of course), and there were so many tourists milling around. there were also a lot of street sellers. through all of that, suddenly one of the 7 of us (i think it was me tbh), shouted “run run run!!!” and OFF WE WENT ya’ll. through that thick crowd, 7 girls just darting around like mice. we kinda separated a bit at the metro, cause some of the girls thought our entrance would be different, but me and some others stuck to the one we were already going down on. the other girls ran all the way to the other side. when we got down to the station, the girls were also getting down, just on the other side. basically, pointless to go around. trust me, if i wasn’t paranoid about missing the bus, i would’ve laughed. it was actually pretty funny, the whole thing. i remember running the length of the station (our bus stop was at the back) and feeling like i would die. i had never run so fast in my life (i think). we made it, just in time.

- which leads me to another moment i thought i would die: going through Amsterdam’s King’s Day crowd. that shit was wild. that’s as precise as I can be. it was WILDT. that was some stupid, crazy shit. we had just met up with parsley, gabe, shar, and christine. or to be more precise, we met up with the first three and the latter was just pissed to see us. (more on that ...soon lol) and ...ok to be honest, i don’t even remember where we were supposed to go. all i remember is, Gabe or Shar started the navigation, and it led us to the edge of this street concert party thing. when I say “street”, I mean the whole street was occupied with tall white people. the street was actually quite narrow, which made everything worse because the King’s Day people had erected a stage there, so there was a concert going on, and what seemed like a live broadcast of that concert. PLUS, on the other side of the stage, the street was lined with bars. and it was King’s Day. you can imagine the complete chaos. everyone was either drunk, high, or both. it was incredibly crowded. the street was packed, there were people from the bars who were coming out to join in, and there were people who were trying to move through the crowd. we were one of those people. i’ve been through incredibly ...sticky and crowded situations in my life. I’ve ridden the MRT at ultra mega rush hour, I’ve attended enough rock concerts. I thought I would be prepared for something like this. I wasn’t. the crowd was iba, I had never experienced anything like it. It was kind of like MRT at that rush hour, except everyone was MOVING, and you didn’t really want to stay there. at least in the MRT, when ur pushed against other people, no one really moves until the next stop. here, everyone seemed like they wanted to go somewhere else, or were moving to the music or whatever. there was just too much movement. at one point, i wasn’t even moving my legs. the crowd was swaying me along, and yes, I mean swaying. we were going from left to right, kind of suffocating-pushing our way through. oddly, i felt like the band was just repeating songs, and their reactions were being controlled or something. whatever -- all i know is, it was crazy fucking scary. i try not to curse anymore (haha, i know) but i can’t describe King’s Day without expletives. it was just too...WILD. I’m still thankful I even made it out alive. I really thought I would die at some point.

- ah, amsterdam, what else is there to do? oh yeah, get high. this seems pretty basic considering everything else on this list, but really. I don’t think I would’ve ever tried weed if I hadn’t gone on JTA. I didn’t really wanna do it, plus it was still illegal in the PH and I didn’t wanna get caught up in that. but hey, it was Amsterdam, it was totally legal. I actually wanna amend my earlier point and be more specific: get high on a boat. that was actually kind of fun. we were doing this canal tour thing, and we had eaten the edibles an hour before getting on. to the merit of biancs and i, i think we were still very good clients. it was the nighttime tour on the canal, so everyone else was either drunk, high, or romantically involved. trust me, biancs and i were the most behaved ones there. we would pretend to listen, nod and laugh when we felt it appropriate, and converse with the hosts. it was a good experience. even better? the food and wine on the boat. there’s no better way to say this, but we demolished that buffet. 3 plates filled high with sausages, crackers, and cheese and we only left some for the others (the others didn’t seem to mind though, because like i said, they were knee-deep in the other 3 reasons above). there were free-flowing drinks too, and biancs and i shared with 3 other girls, and i think we had 5 bottles all in all. so like...one bottle each. it was a good time. i felt myself getting slower once i was hit, but wow. i thoroughly enjoyed that. the host even gave me a lei at the end of the tour! maybe he appreciated our participation. or maybe he just knew we were high.

i was high when we were going through the King’s Day crowd too, but that was less...enjoyable. i think that once we were in the crowd, i kinda snapped out of it and focused on not dying. yeah, that was kind of a waste. but hey, generally i had a good time.

- get drunk on 1 euro carton wine. this was actually super fun. its one of those things that become tradition immediately after you start it. it started when bianca bought carton red wine. i think we got pretty drunk off of it, and i vaguely remember going back to the supermarket (yes, the supermarket was still open, which meant...it was pretty early) to buy another one, which we also finished. then all hell broke loose. we started getting noisy, we called pars and gabe, we went to the kitchen and stole strawberries from one of our then-flatmates, Maria (who was honestly really nice), and I accidentally turned on the lights in Marion’s room while she was there. she actually came out and told me that i had turned it on, and all i kept saying was “sorry, sorry”. this was all before the flatmate drama, i think. (lol that’s another story too, i guess). oh and this all happened while we were on the phone with sina gabe. bianca went inside the “coat room” of the apartment and stole someone’s hat (at the time we thought it was manon’s, but it could actually be javier’s??? still don’t know until now, tbh). then we went back into our room and...decided that we wanted to sleep in the empty room beside us. so we tried first to enter it through the adjacent balcony, didn’t work. so we got the keys box and started trying out different keys until we found the one that fit and we just....slept there. didn’t do anything nasty, didn’t trash the place. just...fell asleep. i don’t know if i should be thankful or confused that drunk chelsea and bianca’s idea of a wild night is sleeping in an empty bedroom right beside ours. not even a hotel or another flat, but literally the one that pretty much looks like ours. yeaaah, i don’t know either. that was pretty fun though, biancs and i got to bond and i guess it solidified our reverence for the carton wine. it tastes like shit, but it does its job.

- have trashy tinto-vodka nights with raya. this is steadily becoming Chelsea’s JTA Greatest Hits list, but whatever. i’m enjoying this trip down memory lane. to be fair, i only had 2 trashy wine nights with Raya, when she was still in her old condo and my parents hadn’t come/bianca and I didn’t have a trip on the weekend, but it was one of the best nights. it was honestly really fun, just getting to know and bonding with Raya. I hadn’t known her so well pre-JTA, and when we were thinking of getting a room together (me, bianca, and Raya), I wasn’t so sure how that would play out. but after bonding with her, I realized that Raya and I vibed pretty well. we were into the same stupid shit and laughed at the same nonsense things. so sleeping over at her place and getting drunk was honestly really fun. it wasn’t even wild or anything, it was just...~ hearty fun ~. we’d try to invite bianca sometimes, but she’d always say no LOL mainly cause raya’s place is quite far from us and she didn’t want to sleep over (but biancs is totally fine sleeping at an airport?? i don’t understand, but hey, you do you.) and raya and i would also cook sinigang! ok fine, we cooked it on one day only, but after having it for lunch then getting tipsy, we decided we wanted more so we made another batch at around midnight. we both agreed it tasted a lot better. gooooooood times.

- having to walk Amsterdam alone at night. sorry i jumped back into amsterdam, i just totally forgot about this. this was actually a big deal for me, even though in summary it wasn’t so special. i had had to wake up at around 3am that day so i could walk and catch the bus that would bring me to the Flixbus station. i was worried because amsterdam had had shit weather the day before and i was contemplating taking an uber, but in the end i decided to walk. it was only a 20-minute walk, which in daytime wouldn’t have bothered me. but since it was nighttime and the airbnb wasn’t in city center, i was kind of afraid. i’m matatakutin pa naman. i imagine shadows becoming figures and am generally uneasy in the dark. but at the time i thought, u gotta do what u gotta do, right? so i trudged on. and honestly, it wasn’t bad at all. i saw no one on my walk, and i realize in hindsight that if i had walked in the morning, i would have enjoyed it a lot. i got to see the river and some pretty cute, homey houses. there were parts where it was eerily dark and quiet, but overall i didn’t feel pressured too much. i don’t know why this is a big deal for me, and i feel like it’s silently a landmark experience for me. i guess because it was something i had no choice but to do alone (bianca had left earlier, gabe and pars were asleep and staying another day in amsterdam), and i had to face my fears. alone. epitome of JTA, I guess. well, it ended fine though, and overall I think I grew from the experience. I guess I realized there that I have some of my own inner strength that I can rely on, and that what scares me sometimes is...nothing, really. that I make things up in my head and I’m too praning, but really, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

- get in trouble with an airbnb. technically this wasn’t me, because it was under parsley’s name, but we all felt this. amsterdam really was something else...

anyway, parsley booked the place, but she only put it down for 2 guests, when we were...six. everything was going well until the owner apparently saw parsley and the lille girls going out all together, and the owner messaged pars about it saying that she (pars) has to pay a fine of 25E/night. the owner only saw 4 people though, so i guess that was a silver lining? so that added to the general stress of amsterdam, post-Heineken Experience. christine made pars tell this lie about the other 2 people only staying a night, but the owner then said that she saw four bags in the airbnb. which was weird, considering our airbnb was separated from the main house and was locked, so that meant that the owner went inside to check herself. invasion of privacy right there...the owner even made up this story about a socket burning out in our airbnb, which is why she had to go and check. though when we went back, everything was ok...well, we were also in the wrong anyway. we told the owner that the other bags did belong to 2 people, but that they would soon leave because they had early flights, which technically wasn’t a lie. so it ended up that we had to strategically get in and out of the airbnb. it would all be fine by sunday, because bianca was leaving sat night and pars, gabe, and i were leaving early sunday morning. we just had to time our ins and outs so that if ever there was someone checking on us from the main house window, s/he’d only count two people. it was pretty intense, the tension in that place. not just cause of the owner, but also cause of some people in the airbnb. but that story, maybe for another time.

- getting drunk on port wine. oh, PORTO. I love that place, really. it still has my heart, 6 countries and 9 cities later. it was a great first trip (that i should probably recount soon, before memory fails me and i forget the tiny things about it that i loved). one of the reasons why it was so good was because of port wine. and all i can say is...beshie. sarap shet. really, nothing quite like it. i still remember that one of them tasted like maple syrup, no joke. the others tasted....i don’t know how to describe it anymore, but one was incredibly fruity and one was oaky without tasting outright like a barrel. it was amazing. it was delicious, the best wine i’ve ever had. it was also 20% alcohol content. and we had 3 glasses. we got pretty hit after that, and what made it kinda go away was our mad rush towards a building tour that wasn’t that good anyway. but nonetheless, it was extremely good wine. I still can’t forget it, and at the nearest opportunity I jump at the chance to go back. Porto definitely isn’t one of those cities that a lot of people think of instantly when you say “Europe trip”, but I say it should be. One of the cheapest, beautiful, and most relaxing trips ever. I never would have considered it myself, were it not for its close proximity to Spain.

- see how the french dance. this is more of an afterthought, and honestly not as hard hitting as the other things on the list, but wow. the french dance weird. i will forever laugh at that video of gabe and pars copying them because it’s so spot on. it’s really some sort of robotic, zombie move thing that’s equally fascinating and equally scary. I definitely would not have known about it if I hadn’t been on JTA, going to clubs with my friends.

- tried to make coffee without water. yep, this goes on the list of stupid for sure. so javier has this coffee maker that i’ve never even seen before, and when he explained how to use it, he didn’t mention anything about putting water in the bottom. so when i tried to do it on my own, i did exactly as he told me. of course, without water, the thing just started burning. i think i was too late to realize it, because i had already begun to smell the burning. when i took it off the stove and laid it on the towel, the towel just straight up burned. as in the coffee maker scorched a hole through the damn towel. i felt pretty stupid in that moment, and honestly really scared for my life that Javier would be angry and would rethink this whole “letting us stay for an extra 3 months” thing (yeah, I realize now that I’m actually a pretty paranoid person). thankfully, he just laughed it off and cleaned it for me, and was even nice enough to make a new batch of coffee for me. God bless the man. the next batch of coffee still tasted burnt though, so i had to thoroughly clean the coffeemaker afterward. phew, that was a close one though. I thought I had really fucked things up at that point.

- lost money without explanation? this is a question mark because i don’t really know how this happened. it started when i was short by 200 euros after my parents left, even though i didn’t use any of my own money when my parents were here and they had given me more cash. i let that go and just offset it. then the next time i counted, i was missing 50 euros naman? like HUH ? I can get pretty magastos, but when I’m cheap I’m cheap af. I knew I hadn’t spent that money anywhere, yet here it was being missing. I don’t know either, maybe there was something off from my counting from the beginning? either way, I’m still sad I can’t find it anymore :///

- thought i lost 20 euros to the laundry machine demon. i straight up didn’t go to that laundry shop for like 3-4 months because i thought the machine had swallowed my 20 euros when all it needed was 3 euros. later on, i found out that there was actually a lot of balance left on that card, because the 20 euros wasn’t swallowed up, it was charged to the card! TYG!!!! i was really happy the day i found out. also kinda sad cause i spent a looot of months hand washing or just not washing because i didn’t want to go to the shop.

- sleeping in hostels. ok, i know i said i wasn’t fresa, but i never really would’ve considered hostels and been so positive about them if it weren’t for JTA. I’m honestly really loving the hostel vibe. the people are friendly, its communal, its pretty clean, and you get cheap accommodation. i guess this isn’t really a weird or stupid thing to do on JTA, but I just find it...cool how much my perspective has changed on traveling. (maybe that should be my next post?) and again, i don’t think i would have done this if not for JTA. so thanks, JTA, for letting me experience that :)

I think that’s it...for now. We still have morocco next week, and amidst the polarizing opinions about it (”it’s one of my greatest trips, u should go!” vs “be more careful, there are more sketchy people there”), I’m kinda excited. I hope I get to relax a little more, because I think that’ll be our last out of Spain trip. I can’t believe we thought of going to Germany pa after Morocco. I would’ve died of tiredness. anyway, that’s all I can remember for now. soon, I’ll try to add pictures and finally start recapping our trips. I think it will do me a lot of good in the future if I at least record my JTA experiences.

ciao!

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