#ill never know why you chose to tell our mutual friend the things you wanted me to know

[dellinah]

I recently lost my best friend to cancer, and words cannot describe how incredibly painful every waking hour has been since I got the news.

They say time heals all, and I can only hope that the memories that suffocate me now will soon become nostalgic treasures that will soothe my longing.

Right now, it fucking hurts tho

And grief is just a weird feeling. It's trying to face a reality that you cannot comprehend, much less accept; but it forces itself onto you regardless, bc there's no way back.

No way out.

This how it is now.

But really, in trying to process this new reality, it has dawned upon me just how... weird, it is.

Just how weird it all feels to me.

I still know his birthday by heart.

And when it comes around, I know I will think of what gift I should get him for a second - before remembering he's gone, and crying all over again over a wound that never truly healed.

I still know his favorite shows, and I know that he collected funko pops of them. There's a list on my phone with the ones he already had, so that I knew to look for new ones when shopping around.

The messages we sent are still on my phone. Still among the most recent ones, for now.

And when I click on them, the last words we ever exchanged (and will ever exchange) stare back at me. Just like they're any other ordinary message, unaware of the massive weight they carry to me.

As does his profile picture, a frozen image of what he will forever look like in my mind.

Spared the burden and the blessing of aging beyond his mid twenties.

The audio messages are still there, too.

His voice still calls me, by name, every time I hit play. Like an echo of what once was, a voice I will never hear again in this lifetime.

But the recordings remain.

And it hurts me so, so bad.

Yet, I play it over and over again.

Maybe hoping the words will be different at one point, like he's just recorded something new.

But by now, I know each audio by heart.

Over and over and over again.

I still know by heart all of the inside jokes that only he and I knew. And now, I have no one else to tell them to.

When I see a pair of blue pants, or finding nemo merch, or a news reporter wearing yellow; I'll have to keep it to myself from now on.

Because no one else in the world gets why that is funny to me.

Or why it was funny to us.

It's just, I didn't expect everything to vanish when you did.

But I didn't expect just how much what you left behind would hurt.

Your birthday. Our inside jokes. The recipe we always made together. The road where we'd drive at night almost every weekend. The shows we watched together that you'll never see the end of. The path we walked home after school as teens. Your favorite color. The book I borrowed and never gave back.

You are gone, but so much of you remains with me.

It's like a letter adressed to an empty house.

What do I do with it all now?

[skyechild]

Slut me out

𖤐 pairing: Minghao x reader x Jeonghan (M/M/F) 𖤐 genre: smut and some angst, 𖤐 warnings: Its only sensory deprivation and some jealousy 𖤐 kinks: Sensory deprivation, 3some 𖤐 wc: 5.4k 𖤐trope/au: est r/s, non!idol 𖤐 summary: You trusted Minghao with your life, even blindfolded. But your mutual friend Jeonghan? Not so much. He didnt do anything too bad other then the occasional tease, there was something that made you almost, cautious. 𖤐 notes: This is part of my 14 days of kinktober, i have no muse for ateez rn because svt has taken over my life currently... 𖤐 tag list: @cultofdionysusnet / @stravvberrymilksan / @spooo00oky / @kwanisms /

You hadn't expected it when Minghao sat you down that night, lacing your fingers together and taking a spot next to you, one foot up on the couch to face you. "You know Jeonghan right?" You nodded, eyes narrowing. "Yes...hes Shua's best friend. What does this have to do with me?" You frowned. "Did something happen?" Minghao shakes his head, shushing you gently before you could panic too much. "He's fine, everyones fine." He murmured, stroking the back of your hands.

Nodding you scooted closer. Minghao's body was always warm but his hands were always cold. You had always teased him for it but you werent focused on that. "You remember how we were thinking of...making sex more lively right?" You had a feeling you knew where this was going, eyes locked on his, talking with your eyes. Mentioning Jeonghan, then mentioning your sex life? You pulled your hands away a bit.

"You want to bring Jeonghan into this?" You scooted back to your original spot. "You want him to join us?" You clenched your hands once you pulled them away from him. "Hao thats..." You looked down at his hands which twitched, wanting to reach out to you. "Did you already talk to him about it?" At the others silence you bit your lip. "Why not Shua? Or even Jun? Hes your best friend..." You mumble. "Of all people...Jeonghan?" You knew you were sounding rude and jealous but you didnt care.

The green monster was here and was biting at your being. You both nonly talked once about bringing someone into an intimate space with you, and he chose Jeonghan? Out of all 12 of his friends. "Minghao...you know Jeonghan and i dont get along well." Thats an understatement. Youre constantly at the elders throat while hes teasing you constantly, warranting the (one sided) fights. You wanted to throw something, anger joining the jealousy.

You didnt want anyone seeing Minghao like you did. Even if it was once and never again. "You invaded my, no our bedroom and privacy, to the one man who wont let it go?" By now Minghao has figured out hes fucked up. Youre not using 'Hao' or any nickname for him. It shoots an arrow through his heart. You let out a sigh and he watches you, wanting you to meet his eyes.

"...I trusted you." Its like another arrow in his chest but when you look up at him your eyes are soft. "Its because i trust you and how much i love and adore you..." The suspense is killing him and he wants to tell you to hurry up. "I'll do it this once. But i had hard limits i want to talk about with both of you." He nods as he grabs his phone, ready to send the text. "Dont do this again." Your voice is firm as you look at him, frowning lightly. Once he sends the text he holds your hands again, sighing at the relief of your skin against his.

Its about fifteen minutes later that theres a knock on the door, pulling you both from your conversation. You stand up before Minghao can, walking over to the door and opening it. "Say anything and ill send you home." Your cut off whatever the older was about to say and his mouth snaps shut with an almost audible click. You walk back to the couch and stand behind it, leaning against Minghao who was sitting back.

His head moved to press against your stomach, eyes watching you before looking back at Jeonghan before youre talking again, your hands on his shoulders. "Make one thing clear tonight." You start "Minghao is in charge once we are in the bedroom. He is mine." You state and Minghao wants to smirk at the possessiveness in your voice. "Second of all, youre not to talk, at all." Jeonghan frowns. "Unless we talk to you." His frown lessens a bit.

"Hard limits." You start, pointing at the chair thats across the couch. "Sit there." He follows, eyes on you once he sits. "You are not to kiss me, any part of me, nothing." You hold up a finger. "You are to follow Minghaos directions." You hold up a second finger. "If you cant keep your mouth shut, i will gag you." Jeonghans brows shoot up, in almost surprise. "Safe word is Berry." Your tell him. "You will wear a condom. Im clean and Hao is clean. But you wear a condom because i dont know where your cock has been, and i dont care to know."

You hum, a hand on Minghaos head. "I'll be blindfolded, but i will know the difference between you and Hao." You stroke his hair, nails brushing against his skin softly. "This is only happening once." You narrow your eyes at the other. "I dont take orders from you, i barely take orders from Hao sometimes." You havent noticed that your boyfriends eyes have closed, head still resting against your stomach.

But when you do look down you notice and it causes you to smile softly at him and Jeonghan almost envies the look you give him. So full of love and adoration, only for your eyes to turn hard once they lock with his. "Ill let you stay long enough to come down from your high. Maybe ill let you eat because id feel bad making you leave afterwards." You take a breath and its only then that Jeonghan notices the nerves hiding behind that attitude before you speak again. "Would you like a drink first? Or just get started?"

He blinks before looking down at your hand that hasnt stopped stroking Minghao's hair. "A drink first would be nice?" Its a question and you nod, leaving Minghao to grab the wine.

Leaving Minghao's presence is like pulling gum from hair or running through quick sand, almost impossible. You didnt believe in soulmates but if you did, youd fight to prove Minghao was yours. Everything seemed brighter whenever you were around him, even the stormiest days.

Handing Jeonghan a glass of wine you motioned him to follow before grabbing Minghao's hand, tugging him up off the couch. "Hao c'mon." You whispered, smiling when he looked up at you. "Its time." You let Jeonghan follow behind as you led the way to the bedroom, opening the door you let both men walk into the room. From the way Jeonghan was already almost done with the wine you figured (hoped) he was nervous.

You sat on the bed as Minghao dug out a box from under the dresser and placing it on top. You took that moment to slip off your shirt before you turned to look Jeonghan when your boyfriend was rifling through the box. "Take off your shirt." You stood up from the bed and walked towards him, taking the empty glass and setting it aside before jerking your chin towards the bed. "Sit." You commanded.

You've heard from rumors that Jeonghan had good dick game but you never paid attention. Never cared but now you hoped they werent lying. You cocked your head to the side as he sat down, a smirk on his lips as he didnt bother to remove his shirt, leaning back on his hands. Your eyes narrowed. "Maybe you should be the one blindfolded if you're going to be a brat." Your snapped, walking back towards Minghao and looking for a red silk blindfold and picking it up once you found it and looking at your boyfriend for permission.

"Can i use this on Jeonghan?" He frowned a bit. That was one of his favorite to put on you, it looked perfect against your skin. He shook his head and handed you a black one. "This one. Red is for you." You nodded, trading the blindfolds and walking to Jeonghan and setting it beside him on the table.

You had taken a quick look at what your boyfriend had pulled out while you were busy with the other. A red lace blindfold that you might be able see out of (It was his favorite), headphones and a gag. You would say no to the gag and Minghao knew that. You both never used it so you knew it had to be for the other.

You slipped onto Jeonghans lap, leaning over to grab the blindfold once settled. "You have a few choices for now. Blindfold, the gag Hao has out or you listen to orders." You spoke, grinding down on his cock and smacking away his hands when he tried to touch. "Add cuffs to that. You can only touch if you behave and so far you havent." You smiled down at him as you sat up on your knees. "Now. Shirt off. Dont make me ask again." You tilted his chin up, looking down at him. It didnt matter that he was older then both of you. Age went out the window for you and Hao when you were in the bedroom.

You smiled bright once he moved to take off his shirt even if his eyes screamed reluctance. "Good boy." You murmured softly before standing up infront of him. "Jeonghan, do you have any hard limits?" You spoke, focusing on the other as Minghao came up behind you, setting the items on the bedside table before wrapping his arms around your waist.

"No marks." You nod. "Glad we have that in common." You leaned back into your boyfriends chest, his head resting on your shoulder. "No degrading names." You hum, mentally checking it off your list. He was quiet for a moment. "What if i want your lips on my body?" You were almost surprised. You had said you didnt want his lips on you but this you werent expecting. You turned your boyfriend, quietly checking in if he would be ok with it.

"I can be ok with that." He spoke and you smiled, kissing his temple. "Is that all?" When he nodded you gave him a small smile. "If you remember anything, just say berry if you want us to pull away fully. Everything stops and it ends there, its the safe word. We use the traffic light system too. Red is stop, give it a moment until you feel ready to continue. Yellow is slow down and check in, green is good to go." He nods.

"Now...are you going to listen or be a brat?" You watch as he seems to think about it. "Ill be as good as i can." You sigh but nod, letting Minghao hold up the blindfold to your eyes. "Do you want to wait til youre on the bed?" You trusted Minghao with everything so you shake your head, holding onto his wrists as he wrapped it around your head, a small kiss being pressed against the side of your head before hes guiding you over to the bed next to Jeonghan.

Minghao's hand brushes against your stomach before they land on your thighs carefully. "Are you ready love?" You hum. "Can i have my head on the pillow?" Jeonghan watches as Minghao helps you move up the bed. "Colour?" You smile, hands sliding up his arms to his shoulders. "Green Hao, im ok." He smiles before he turns to the elder. "You cant do anything with your pants still on." He stands up straight, hands leaving your skin and you have to hold back a whine.

He chuckles softly at the soft huff that leaves you. He slips off his shirt easily and you almost sigh because you know how Minghao moves, hes smooth and careful. Jeonghan seems a bit more rough and less fluid, so when the sound of something hitting the floor echoes you know its from Jeonghan. Said male shuffles closer to you before he stops. "Can i touch?" He isnt quite sure who hes asking. You for consent or Minghao for permission.

You nod but you dont hear Minghao, you assume hes nodded because warm hands land on your stomach. Minghao's were usually cold. You lift your hands, one landing in soft hair and the other reaching in the direction you believe your boyfriend is in. "Dont worry about me my love. Let Jeonghan pleasure you." You pout quietly but nod, your other had landing on Jeonghan's shoulder as his hands roam your skin.

One hand slides up your chest before around to your back, when you arch your back he assumes thats a go ahead and unhooks your bra. He chuckles at the unconscious, pleased sigh and the relax back on the bed. His other hand grazes over your breast, thumb brushing against your nipple, your breath hitching.

You cant lie, his hands to feel good but you dont get the jolt of cold and the shivers from Minghao's touches, that was one of your favorite parts. Especially when there was a blindfold added. You sigh once his hands push your thighs apart. You strain your ears to listen as you hear the floorboards creak. "Hao?" You heard him chuckle. "Still here love, im not going anywhere." You relaxed a bit and let Jeonghan continue the soft, barely there touches.

Minghao grabbed the head phones before walking back to the bed, sitting by your side. "My love? Im going to put headphones on you. Is that ok?" He takes a hand, letting you touch the headphones carefully. You wont be able to hear them and while it excites you, it makes you a bit nervous. "Can i keep a hold of your hand?" You didnt exactly hate being that defenseless and you knew Minghao would control Jeonghan.

The elder had stopped touching you as you spoke. So you can be this cute? He smiled softly as he watched you carefully once Minghao spoke up. "I wont leave the room." He states before he hums quietly. "I wont go far either. I know youre iffy about this, but Jeonghan is here too, just incase." Jeonghan gently squeezes your thigh at the mention of his name before he glances at the other, silently asking for permission to talk.

A nod makes him turn back to you. "I know i always tease you, but im not going to let anything happen to you, especially in here." He adds to Minghao's soothing words, watching you relax a bit more. "One of us will always be touching you in some way." Jeonghan glances at Minghao, as if making sure. Minghao nods but raises an eyebrow, quietly filing it away for later use.

"If you dont want them just let me knew and we dont use them. If you do want them then dont later tell us. I wont be mad" Minghao strokes your hair carefully, letting you mull over it. "Ok. For now yes. As long as you guys keep your word that someone will always be touching me." Minghao smiles, you can feel it when he presses his lips to your cheek.

"Good girl." It gets your own lips to turn up into a smile. Jeonghan notes that you seem to prefer praise before he watches Minghao put the headphones on you, taking your hands and placing them on Jeonghan. Back in the position they were in, in his hair and on his shoulder. His skin is just as warm as his hand and you sigh softly. Youre a bit more tense with the headphones on but Jeonghan turns to Minghao. "Can i eat her out?" The other nods, chuckling softly. "Tap her pelvis before you start unless you want to be kicked in the side. She knows what it means." He nods before turning back to tug on your shorts, pulling them off along with your panties once you understand.

Jeonghan doesnt ask lots of question about your bedroom activities and Minghao quietly thanks him in his head. Jeonghan shifts, a hand staying on your thigh once yours slips off of him, calming you before you can panic. He taps your pelvis and you squirm a bit at the thought. While Jeonghan was always bullying and bothering you, his actions were followed by him licking his lips, toying with a canine or pushing his tongue against his cheek. Needless to say, you were curious about what he could do with his tongue.

He grins at the squirm you do before pushing your legs apart, moving to lay on his stomach between your thighs. He fights back a groan at the sight. You werent soaked but he remembers there being a small wet patch on your panties before he removed them. Jeonghan rests your thighs on his shoulders, gripping the tops of them incase you were to try and move away. Your hands land in his hair after a small search and he grins wider, blowing on your clit softly, the cold hair a sharp contrast to the touch touches you had been getting.

You jerked away but didnt get too far. Minghao took a seat in front of the bed after laying out some toys just incase. "You can use those if youd like. Make sure to guide her hand to them before." He nods, throwing a glance at the toys before his attention was stolen by your pussy again. Licking his lips he slipped his tongue between your folds, lapping up the arousal that was there and getting a small sigh of pleasure from you.

He nodded at the reaction before he flicked the tip of his tongue against your clit before sucking on it right after, getting a pretty whine from you. That was what he wanted. Jeonghan hummed against your clit before he started sucking on your folds, adding to the wet mess. His eyes closed once he got into a steady rhythm, fingers moving to spread your folds. The moans and whines were making him hard, his hips moving in small movements against the bed.

Jeonghan used one hand to keep your folds spread while his other joined his tongue. His tongue had dipped into your entrance, everytime he had it pulled out a high pitch moan and a tug on his hair which would gain a low moan from him. His fingers pushed into your entrance, humming against your clit once he sucked it into his mouth harshly, getting a sharp moan from you. Your hips were wiggling and Jeonghan nipped at you folds in warning causing you to yelp.

"Hannie please..." Your words are slurred and a bit loud but when he curls his fingers just right your legs try to shut around his head and your back arches. He presses against that sweet spot inside you as your leg jerks, rubbing the area quickly. Minghao watches, almost impressed with how fast he was riling you up. Jeonghan cooed at the cry of his name. He angled his hand so his thumb could rub small aggressive circles on your clit before leaning down and catch your arousal in his mouth when you came with a sharp cry, gripping his hair tightly.

He rubs your thigh as you come down, free hand gently sliding in and out still. He adds a third finger, stretching you out. "Do you want to go first?" He turns to Minghao who shakes his head and throws two condoms on the bed. "Youre the guest tonight. Enjoy your time before i take her back." Jeonghan has to prevent himself from rolling his eyes before his attention is brought back to you who whimpers, chest heaving from your orgasm.

He barely notices Minghao come closer until he sits by your head, his hand around his cock. "Roll her on her stomach for me." He speaks, eyes watching you carefully as Jeonghan nudges your hip, pulling you up onto your hands and knees. He chuckles quietly when you flail a bit. Minghao grabs your hand. "Wait." He stops. Jeonghan is confused before he notices that hes probably waiting for a signal from you. He assumes he got one because he pulls the head phones off "Good?" You nod and position yourself more comfortably.

"Its not you Jeonghan, not being able to hear raises my anxiety, being blindfolded helps a bit." You soothed the other before he had a chance to open his mouth. He nods with a soft smile, tapping your outer thigh gently, discreetly wiping off your wetness on your thigh at the same time. He lets you and Minghao settle before hes behind you, a grin on his lips and how adorable you look, even while in this position.

Your head was in Minghaos lap, still blindfolded but with a bit of vision from where it had slipped a bit, the other having tossed his pants at some point. His hands were in your hair, stroking through it while he licked his lips. The look in his eyes were a mix between adoration, lust and love. Jeonghan almost felt like he was interrupting something. Your head rested against his thigh, grinning up at Minghao.

It looked like you were asking for permission even thought you were blindfolded. Minghaos thumb brushed across your forehead. "Jeonghan is our guest tonight. Why not ask him for permission once?" Your grin twitched, falling into a close lipped smile before you turned to face the male before you, trying to see through the red lace.

"Can i?" Jeonghan wanted to make you beg for it, but the way you had acted earlier made him weary of doing a lot. He knew you had a high dislike for him but he hummed. "I suppose so. But why dont you get him fully hard first." It almost sounded like a question, his gaze flickering to Minghao's who nodded in approval. He smiled softly as he looked at you, nodding as he jerked his chin towards Minghao, almost forgetting you couldnt see him. "Suck." You smile back at him unconsciously and Jeonghan makes note of how pretty it is because you never smile at him that way. It was either forced, a grimace or a mocking smile.

You turned your attention back to Minghao whos smile had changed into a smirk from what you could see, it made you clench around nothing in anticipation, catching Jeonghans attention making him bit his lip. You loved Minghao's smirk. He took your distraction to stroke the skin of your lower back and ass with one hand while grabbing and opening a condom. You were very set on him using a condom and he wasnt about to complain.

Once he had rolled it on he groaned lightly as he pumped his cock a few times. You had to admit, it was a pretty sound. You pressed a wet kiss to the side of Minghaos cock, echoing back his hum. You slid your tongue around the rim of his head, teasing the underside. Minghao let out a sigh, stroking your hair. His was focusing on Jeonghan behind you, wanting to know when to expect him.

Jeonghan's cock was long and pretty, slimmer then Minghao's but a bit longer while Minghao had girth. He grinned when you jolted forward at the touch of Jeonghans cock against your folds. Jeonghan loved it, loved watching you jolt everytime he brushed his cock against your clit, using your wetness as lube. He hummed, pressing the head in a bit. You sucked on the tip of Minghao's cock softly, soft kitten licks against his slit. Warm hands landed on your hips, thumbs stroking your ass as he slowly pushed in more at the same time you were taking more of your boyfriend in your mouth.

Minghao sighed in pleasure, holding your hair back and out of your face. You whined against his cock at the small thrust Jeonghan gave to get the last two inches in, hips hitting your ass. A loud whine coming from the male behind you. You pulled off Minghaos cock, a broken moan leaving you. "How are you still so tight little one?" Youd let that nickname pass, you didnt like princess and he wasnt sure what nicknames were forbidden.

He waited there for a moment for you to adjust, small grinds seemingly helped as you ended up pushing back against him, a low groan leaving his lips. You adjusted, spreading your lips a bit more and groaning as Jeonghan slid a hand to your lower back and pushing, making your back arch more. "Holy fuck you look so pretty like this." It slipped out his lips before he could stop it.

You moaned at the praise, arching your back more for him and taking Minghao back in your mouth. Jeonghan felt like he was going to drool. Your back was arched and it was beautiful. Lets spread, back arched with your head down, and his cock sitting inside you. He huffed, pulling out a bit and jerking his hips forward. It drew out a choked moan from you from around Minghaos cock and a low whine from Jeonghan.

He wanted to call you princess so bad, he used it too much in a playful way he supposed. He always called you princess so of course youd think it was a mocking you. You were so close to having Minghao down your throat when Jeonghan gave a harsh test thrust and you gagged around him but moaned loudly, the thrust set off a chain reaction. Jeonghan moaned as you clenched around his cock, you gagged and moaned around Minghaos cock which caused him to hiss out a moan.

"If you clench this will be over a lot faster then i want." Jeonghan mumbled as he picked up the harsh thrusts he was giving, hitting that sweet spot inside you which made you cry out in pleasure, chest heaving as you panted, inhaling air before you took your boyfriend back in your mouth and down your throat with a furrow of your brows, throat relaxed. His hips jerked up, a low groan leaving his lips as he holds you there for a moment before. "Such a good girl."

Jeonghan whines as you clench around him. "Fuck, you really do like praise." He hufs, continuing to aim for that spot. Minghao nods, letting you come back up for air, small sounds being let out from every thrust once your mouth wasnt full. "Baby? Are you ready?" Minghao cooed and Jeonghan almost stopped if you hadnt jerked your hips back. "Yes." Jeonghan kept his pace but watched in curiosity. "Deep breath." He spoke before you took him back down your throat.

When you got to the base Jeonghan gave a harsh thrust in awe before he slowed down a bit, mouth dropping a bit in surprise once he noticed Minghao pinch your nose shut. You clenched around Jeonghan and he let out a high pitched cry before reaching around to rub your clit quickly. "Minghao can i cum?" It slipped out before Jeonghan could stop it, but it made the younger release your nose and let you come up to breath. "Good girl Y/n." He cooed quietly, watching as drool slid from your chin.

"You can come Jeonghan. But Y/n cant yet." Jeonghan whimpered, gripping your hips tightly with one hand as he continued rubbing your clit, hips moving at an unforgiving pace at the same time he was hitting your g spot. He watched as Minghao brushed some drool off your chin and Jeonghan cried out once his cum filled the condom, hips jerking erratically as he rode out his high. You bit your lip to hold back your orgasm, tensing your whole body. "Hao please? Please i need to cum." Hearing you beg made Jeonghan's cock twitch with interest and he groaned lightly. Jeonghan moved to go to the bathroom and discard the condom as you and Minghao finished.

You scrambled from your position, groaning before you sat down on Minghao's cock, shivering at the familiar feeling of his cock inside you. "Please...." Minghao huffed, groaning as he gripped your hips. "Fuck." He hissed, kissing at your neck as he nodded, thrusting into you from underneath. He held your hips down. "Cum with me baby." He whispered against your skin, biting down once he held you down against his hips, warm cum filling you as your release slid down his cock once you felt his teeth dig into your neck. He was for sure going to leave a mark and you hummed at the thought.

Jeonghan came back out with his boxers on along with some lotion and a wet washcloth in one hand and some water and a snack in the other. Placing both on the table he helped Minghao lay you down once the other gathered his energy. He wiped you down, giving an apologetic smile when you whimpered at the cloth against your sensitive pussy. "Sorry." He murmured. "Darling can you walk to the bathroom? You need to pee." You were still coming down from your high and you wanted to swat Jeonghan away like he was an annoying fly.

"Let my live in my high for a little bit." You mumbled, voice croaky from the abuse on your throat as you felt Minghao leave the bed to clean himself up. You let out a sigh as you swung yourself around, Jeonghan's hands beating you to untie the lace blindfold. You had to admit, Jeonghan was very good at after care. You smiled a bit once your vision cleared, coming face to face with the other as he helped you up. "I brough water and snacks for you." He said quietly as he helped you wobble into the bathroom where Minghao was.

You nodded, tossing him a small, grateful smile. "Thanks." He nodded, his own grin pulling at his lips before he went back to the bed, stripping the covers and pursing his lips, looking around for spare sheets. He found them in the closet in the hallway, a small smile on his lips as he remade the bed. He heard the giggles in the bathroom where he could hear the shower running. He debated on leaving but you did say he could stay, but he felt like he was intruding now, somewhere deep inside him he hoped you would be open to doing this again.

Leaning against the wall he took one of the three water bottles he had half juggled in. He slipped on his sweat pants, stretching his neck after he took a sip. It was a few minutes before you both emerged from the bathroom, clean and happy. "You changed the sheets?" You were surprised, eyes wide as you looked towards the bed then Jeonghan. The male nodded, almost shy at the attention. "Yeah...." He felt like he wasnt supposed to for a minute before the grin on your lips was wide and your arms were around his waist in a quick but tight hug.

"That was very nice of you, thank you." You smiled up at him as you pulled away, walking backwards into your boyfriends chest. Jeonghan chuckled softly. "Contrary to popular belief, i am good at aftercare." You feigned a gasp, returning the tease. "I wouldnt have known." Jeonghan covered his mouth teasingly.

Your view on the other had changed a bit, you werent cold towards him anymore, just returning his teasing instead of wanting to beat his ass everytime he spoke. He smiled brightly at the returned tease. "Maybe we will do this again." You glanced back at Minghao. "As long as you dont go behind my back again without me." You huffed. You were still a bit irritated but the whining the other had done while you both were in the shower washed it away.

"Sorry baby." He whispered, hugging your waist tightly, kissing your neck gently. Minghao took his time nuzzling your neck and peppering it in soft kisses. "I love you." Your whispered against your skin quietly, wanting only you to hear.

Jeonghan chuckled. "I've never seen him this touchy." You both shot glares at him. "Id hope not." You grumbled while Minghao huffed. It was quiet for a moment before Minghao looked up at the other. "Do you want to stay for food or take a shower so you dont smell like sex?" Jeonghan pursed his lips. He did smell strongly of sex and he knew the others would tease him if he came back without a shower. "It'd be nice, thank you."

Once he disappeared into the bathroom you turned in your boyfriends arms, slinging yours around his neck and playing with the hair on the back of his neck. "We should talk later." You spoke and he nodded. First you were going to eat, and then talk to them both.

[lqfiles]

oh and about the friend fallout,, i don’t even feel bad nor do i think i want to reconcile ever because im just angry at how things were handled and it’s now clear to me that he lacks a backbone and the lack of communication and confrontation skills is somehow worse than mine,, all of my (three) friends r saying im not at fault but ill always feel like i was in some way but the gist of it was literally just that his partner told him that they thought i didn’t like them. and he kept that information to himself instead of trying to resolve the problem, he kept hanging out with me and talking me like normal because we were basically best friends (i can’t imagine being friends w someone if ur partner thinks theres animosity towards them regarding said friend) and i didnt know they thought that up until i brought up that the partner removed me as a friend on FORTNITE 💀💀 all this bc of fortnite……goofy ass…. anyway he went on saying like it seems it’s just a misunderstanding and they felt like you weren’t talking to them when we played together and i noticed other things too (didn’t tell me what the other things were) then we were just radio silent for all of april until i noticed yesterday he broke our mutual on ig so i finished the job, broke our tiktok and fortnite mutual so its basically over. im not sad over it because i don’t want to be friends with someone who’s in a codependent relationship and can acknowledge it and not see the problem with it… the whole thing feels very much like middle school drama we are GROWN mfs are ab to be in their 20s bruh…

—🪼

this was sooo long sorry but i can’t help it i have a need for gossip….

this is DEFINITELY not your fault. first off, why wouldn’t your friend ask you if you dislike his partner when finding out about that worry, it was never that serious to keep it to himself like what 😭 a quick “oh what do you think of x, be honest” would’ve done enough but instead he pretends like it isn’t an issue (even tho like u said his partner felt some type of way about u) secondly, the fact that YOU had to address it instead of him or his partner is strange because it was them that had an issue with you at first (without telling u) and you having to find out there is something up through fortnite is unserious as hell omgg this can’t be real 😭 thirdly, it doesn’t seem like you were looking for problems at all, seems more like you were trying to figure out WHT the problem was and he brushed it off before he completely ghosts you and silently removes you, i’m sorry but it was NEVERRRR this serious istggg??? both of them are very immature for their age, this is such a small issues that could’ve been resolved easily if both of them just were upfront with you 😭😭😭 it’s clear that he chose his partner over you too which.. okay.. but at least have the guts to say so :/ i’m sorry fren you deserve better people in your life than that and i believe you did well by removing him too. funnily enough i had something very similar happen where i didn’t talk to a friend for a day because of something they did that turned me off and then i check my private insta and find out she removed me with both her main and priv 💀💀 finished the job as well and haven’t talked to her ever since either (even tho we’re in the same class) AND FUNNILY ENOUGH she was also codependent on her partner 😭

i was talking about this with a classmate today about how i don’t think i could ever put a relationship above friendship.. it sounds bad but like idk i believe friends are more reliable than a relationship that requires a lot of trust in each other

[serenasoutherlyns]

second opinions, or the balance

Jacqueline “Man-eater” McCoy, Claire recalls the sexist but accurate nickname among the many the new EADA had acquired.

AU: Jack McCoy is a woman. A rewrite of s5e1. Can't believe that this is the fic to break my writer's block, considering that I wrote the dialogue for it in June or July of last year and remembered it today. Some friends encouraged me to flesh it out and post it, so here it is:

Claire knocks on her door.

“Yeah,” comes the answer from within, and as she walks inside, her new boss is bent over, evidently looking for something inside the astonishingly unkempt office. “Claire Kincaid!” She says.

“Jacqueline McCoy. I spoke to Mr. Schiff, he said you requested me.”

“Jack, thank you. And yes, I did. Your reputation precedes you.” McCoy is still looking around the room, letting Claire blend into the surroundings from the start. Great.

“As does yours. Including your relationships with previous assistants.” Claire figures, better to get it all out in the open.

“That’s hardly relevant, is it?” McCoy quirks an eyebrow.

“Is that why you chose a woman this time?” McCoy’s eyebrows rise even further.

“Three, in the past 24 years in this office, and that includes an ex-husband. Shall I be honest?”

“That would be helpful. I’d rather not be here as your insurance policy.” Jacqueline “Man-eater” McCoy, Claire recalls the sexist but accurate nickname among the many the new EADA had acquired.

“Those relationships were mutual. I hardly think I should apologize for finding some of my co-workers more stimulating than the people I meet at the gym. I doubt you’ll have to keep me in line.”

“You brought up reputations. I just wanted to make it clear.”

“Clear as day, Claire Kincaid. I certainly don’t anticipate a problem. Can we get to work now?”

Claire wonders what the last young man to sit in her spot would have to say about that.

“Of course.”

—

“There’s a check mark beside the names of the patients I talked to. Most of them say they were offered an alternative.”

“And you believe them?”

Claire wonders if Jack’s reconsidering her choice of assistant. She sighs into her words. “I think that’s what they want to be true. And what they were told to say. The ones with two checks admitted Haas said she could cure them.”

“About a dozen names? Good enough to make a case for fraud.” Jack rolls her shoulders back, stretches slightly, smiles appealingly, mischievously, as she sits (almost flops) on the couch with the paper in her lap.

“I’m sorry, I still don’t feel good about this,” Claire says. So what if she loses the EADA’s endorsement. She hears there’s going to be an opening in Kibre’s bureau soon, it might be nice to be under a little less direct scrutiny. If McCoy can’t handle a bit of pushback—

“You got something against putting the bad guy away, Ms. Kincaid?”

She doesn’t sound angry, but curious. There’s an unspoken quote-un-quote when she says “bad guy” that surprises her.

“Haas is a legitimate scientist,” Claire says, and knows she’s being optimistic for her own benefit, the doubt consoling more than convincing her. “Maybe she really believes this. There happens to be a lot of gray in our precious Penal Code.”

“And which shade do you imagine Dr. Haas to be?”

“What if her patients end up living better lives than the ones mutilated by those members of the AMA?”

“Please, Claire, don’t tell me you’d rather be dead than breast-less.” Jack turns her gaze up to where Claire is standing, her eyes almost rolling. She can’t decide if it’s charming.

“You can call them shallow if you want to.”

“Not shallow. They were taken advantage of.”

“And if they wanted what Haas was selling?”

“If I ask you to shoot me, and you do, you’ve still committed a crime.”

Claire curses the accuracy of the analogy. Her comeback is ineffectual. “Assault with a deadly weapon isn’t the same thing as facilitating a bad choice. If I lose my house to a legal but ill-advised investment, that’s on me.”

“You should never have the opportunity to gamble with your life,” Jack says, infuriatingly kindly. “Why are you defending her, she isn’t even a real doctor.”

“Neither was Louis Pasteur!”

“Claire— the names on this list without any check marks, how many of those women are dead?”

That’s the question. It hits her all at once. She drops her head, runs a hand through her hair.

“They’re all dead?” Jack says, her voice full of quiet rage. “Some track record."

“She offers women a choice.” Claire’s tone matches hers.

“Is it a fair choice? If I thought I could keep my body intact I would, but only if I thought I could survive it. If Ann Bennett had never heard Haas’ name, would she still be alive?”

“I guess I’ll find out.”

—

“I just happen to find it a little intrusive, the government telling a woman to have surgery,” Claire says, and it comes out stronger than she intends it to, and she thinks she sees Jack flinch. She needs to find the balance. Ben tended to need her to be forceful to be heard, not because he didn’t care but because he could get so focused— Jack listens, or she has so far.

“This is not a privacy issue,” Jack says defensively. That’s not what she wanted.

If they’re going to keep arguing about this, Claire will hold her own. Maybe they’ll reach an equilibrium. “Of course it’s not. Constitutional issues are defined by men.”

“Wow. There’s sisterhood and there’s blindness.”

Claire pretends that didn’t hurt. “You don’t trust other women?”

“I don’t trust people. And I don’t take well to anybody preying on women’s insecurities and fears to line their pockets and cause their patients’ deaths in the process, woman or not.” She spits the words out, somehow calm still. It’s chilling and electrifying, Claire wonders if it’s natural or practiced.

“You don’t think there’s real pressure to keep your femininity intact?”

Jack actually laughs, a charmed surprised sound that Claire can tell she has to bite back. It’s the same mix of kindness and condescension that keeps confusing her. “I think that ship has sailed for me, Claire, and I suggest you raise your anchors soon.”

“I guess you really can’t have it all, can you.”

“Why don’t you pick up your copy of The Feminine Mystique again.” “If it were Dr. Frank Haas, if it was a man, you would be going after the guy with a dagger in your hand. I can’t believe you’re not outraged, I mean, a woman going after other women? How sick, evil is that?”

Claire opens her mouth but nothing comes out. She’s right, damn her. It’s silent in the office for a moment, and Jack breaks eye contact first.

She takes off her blazer and pulls a casual sweater on, then turns her back to Claire. “Look, I get it,” she says, pulling her arms inside the sleeves and undoing her formal white button down. Claire can see the muscles in her back moving, her shoulder blades rising and falling as she reaches to take the shirt off, grabbing the collar at the base of her neck and pulling. She hangs it up, trades her heels for clean white canvas sneakers, and turns around, tucking the front of her sweater in.

Claire’s throat is drier than she expects it to be when she speaks. “What do you get?”

“It’s a tits and ass world,” Jack says, smirking lightly. She picks a claw clip up from her desk and sweeps her shoulder length dark hair (with a few hints of grey at her temples, Claire wonders if she dyes it) into its teeth. “If you let it be.”

Jack takes a few steps toward her. Without the heels, she’s close to Claire’s height in her own. “Can we go get that drink, now?”

Claire keeps her smile small as she follows behind Jack’s swift steps out of the room.

—

“What do you think, Claire?”

Jack is actually asking, not looking for a subordinate agreement.

“She does it all.”

—

“Fifteen years at Bedford. She’ll be selling her fellow inmates ‘get skinny quick’ schemes,” how to portion your bread and water for a tight behind.”

“She’ll need it, after the civil suits, she’ll be broke when she gets out.”

“I don’t think there’ll be any.”

“You don’t think the widowers…”

“The same thing that drew them to Haas will keep them off the stand.”

“Fear? Denial? Speaking of which, I checked.”

“On what?”

“You’ve only had one male assistant.”

“Aren’t you sharp, Ms. Kincaid.”

-----

thank you for reading! comments, reblogs, and tags make my world go round.

[ressyfaerie]

I’d like to request a Brooklyn x Tyson fic! I recently had the idea of Brooklyn developing a crush on Tyson, since he was the first person to try to be his friend. But I couldn’t think of how to write this myself. I’m curious if Tyson could come to return the feelings of someone who almost killed someone so dear to him.

Okay uh- I got really carried away with this one! Man it was good! I formed a lot of opinions as I wrote this I hope it’s to your liking! You mentioned if I thought Tyson could return the feelings of someone who almost killed someone so dear to him so I added a bit of that spice in there! Hope you enjoy :) It sorta turned into a full fic WHOOPS. Anything in * are Tyson’s private thoughts!

The party was a great success. 

Mr. Dickenson was very impressed with his work. He had made a great area under the bridge beside the small BBA headquarters, well headquarters is putting it nicely, it’s a decent sized shack. 

So he was understandably nervous when he invited all the teams to a large summer party.

To his surprise, almost everyone showed up, it brought a massive smile to his old face.

The Bladebreakers helped a lot, Hilary hung up lanterns and decorations, Kenny and Max catered food, and Ray and Tyson sent out invites and dealt with the technical stuff. 

“Wow even Kai came!” 

“Of course Kai would come you crazy old man.” Hiro stood beside Mr. Dickenson with his arms crossed, not exactly happy to be there. 

“Of course? He’s a loner isn’t he?” Mr. Dickenson questioned.

“Not since the fall of BEGA, he’s stuck to the Bladebreakers like glue. It’s annoying seeing him in the Dojo with his friends whenever I go there.” 

“It’s nice to hear the words ‘Kai’ and ‘friends’ in the same sentence.” Mr. Dickenson smiled ignoring Hiro’s previous statements.

“Even Brooklyn’s here!” Mr. Dickenson clapped his hands together with glee looking into the crowd at the flash of orange hair.

“Yeah being a rebel as usual.” Hiro rolled his eyes.

Brooklyn was smiling while talking to members of the white tigers. Everyone seemed to be on edge with his team's appearance, but since BEGA it seemed to be mutually decided to let them back into the beyblade community, forgetting the past. 

“How’s he doing?” Mr. Dickenson’s eyebrows knit together in concern. 

“Alright. Training him is tough, as usual. He’s on meds now, and seeing a psychologist. I would like to say he’s getting there, but he’s not even close.” 

Mr. Dickenson nodded, acknowledging, but not showing any emotion, he didn’t know what emotions to show or feel, he tilted his head realizing that’s how Brooklyn thought all the time.

He finally decided on a response. 

“He looks happy.” 

Hiro shrugged, “we will never truly know. Boris did a number on an already ill child.” 

“The BBA is always here for you when you need it.” 

Hiro gifted him a warm smile, “Thanks Stanley, that means a lot. To me and also Brooklyn.”

On the other side of the room, Max and Ray hung out by the buffet table, finally full they sipped some juice out of plastic containers. 

“Isn’t this a party.” Ray mouthed the words into the juice cup while glaring at Brooklyn talking to the White Tigers. 

“You jealous he’s talking to Miriah? Just go over there and ask her to dance.”

Ray spluttered coughing up some of his juice, “Wha-? No! I’m just angry he’s really here in general-”

“Don’t lie Ray.” Max grinned. 

“Look- Look at all the people dancing Max, there’s no room and- Aren’t we spying on Tyson anyways?” 

“We can do two things at once.” Max took an elegant sip.

“Okay- How many people has Tyson danced with again?”

“Lost count again Ray? Keep up Buddy.” Max laughed while slapping him on the shoulder, causing Ray to again splutter his juice. 

Max surveyed the crowd, “a lot of people, but as predicted he’s been more flirty with the guys.” Max shrugged his shoulders with a know-it-all attitude. 

After Tyson inadvertently came out to Max and Ray the other day they decided it was their mission to help Tyson with his sexuality, a party with tons of dancing was the perfect opportunity.

“He was the most flirty with…” Ray trailed off trying to remember, suddenly concerned with the number of guys Tyson had danced with. 

“Oliver.” Max snapped his fingers.

“Yeah but Oliver’s already dating someone so he doesn’t count.” Ray rolled his eyes. 

“Wait what’s our goal here for tonight?” Max asked quizzically, knowing full well what they wanted to do. 

“To get him to kiss someone of course!” 

“Alright calm down it will be done by the end of the night.” 

Tyson was tired from dancing so much. He barely knew how to dance and yet tonight he felt like an expert. He went back to a table and grabbed his cup of punch gulping it down. He looked down at his outfit he chose, it was much different from what he would regularly wear, a little more revealing and mature, he liked it. 

Tyson was aware of the inner turmoil going on inside himself. Mentally he didn’t know where he belonged, he felt it before the BEGA championship and now he felt it bubbling over, so much that he accidentally got Ray and Max involved.

*Ah, damn it.*

Tyson just wanted to keep dancing, dancing and socializing was keeping his mind off everything.

*I’ve almost danced with everyone here though-*

“Hey Tyson! Dance with me?” Emily was blushing a bit when she asked.

“Yeah? A pretty girl like you? Of course.” Tyson cringed when he couldn’t tell if he meant it or not. 

He gently grasped her wrist and brought her to the clearing where everyone was dancing and without touching began to dance. 

“Dancing with the world champ, I wanted to do it once, while I had the opportunity.” Emily blushed a bit, mostly out of embarrassment, if anyone asked *not* admiration. 

“Well here you are.” Tyson grinned while grabbing both her hands and swinging them back and forth in an awkward yet cute dance. 

She giggled a bit, however was immediately interrupted by a deep sophisticated voice. 

“Tyson? Can I take you away from this pretty lady?”

Tyson turned his head, not expecting the shine of Brooklyn’s earring to catch his eye.

Tyson’s jaw dropped a bit, he could not vocalize an answer. 

Brooklyn placed a hand on his chest and made a slight bow, “may I have this dance?” 

Tyson directed his attention back to Emily who simply nodded and pointed his hands in Brooklyn’s direction. 

Brooklyn grasped his hand and waist in a very formal way, Tyson wasn’t expecting it, he brushed it off as maybe being the only way he knew how to dance. 

“Nice to see you again Tyson.” 

Tyson grinned slightly, he looked *really* good. Tyson decided to start a conversation before the silence got weird. 

“Last time I saw you-”

“Things were weird.” 

“Yeah.” Tyson tried to laugh but it came out a bit high pitched for his liking. 

Brooklyn chuckled, but it came out more of a deep growl. 

Tyson bit his lip just a bit.

*Woah, okay, no- He might be the best looking guy here but he’s- Brooklyn.*

“Tyson? Are you alright?”

“Yeah! I-I’m fine. Are you um-”

“Just ask.” 

“Are you okay? Since the tournament I mean.”

“I’m alright. I wanted to talk to you Tyson, specifically to thank you.” 

Tyson tilted his head as a silent ‘why’? 

“You really helped me. You were the hand that took me out of that dark place, and although I have a long way to go, you started it, without you I would still be with Boris- or not, you know, here.”

Tyson blinked a few times.

“So, thank you Tyson, for saving me.” 

“You’re um- Welcome.” Tyson slowed his pace to gently move back and forth.

Brooklyn grasped his hand harder and pulled himself closer to Tyson.

“What can I do for you in return?” He grew a sly look on his face.

Tyson’s eyes grew wide.

*There’s no way he could know- No? No way? Unless he was talking to Hiro- No even Hiro doesn’t know-”

“Tyson?” 

“Y-Yeah?”

“You’re doing it again.” 

“Sorry…” Tyson mumbled looking down at their shoes. 

“You know…” Brooklyn took his hand off Tyson’s waist and placed a finger under Tyson’s chin forcing him to tilt his neck to look at him. 

Brooklyn took a deep breath and laid out his thoughts just barely above a whisper. 

“I kind of want to kiss you…” 

Tyson’s whole body turned to ice, no fire, no he turned into a ghost? The feelings his body were trying to signal his brain were all jumbled and he couldn’t figure out what to do, or what he wanted to do. 

“I-” 

“We could sneak out, just for a few minutes, if that’s what you want.” Brooklyn changed his entire demeanor instantly, trying to appeal to Tyson’s tastes.

It worked. 

“Yo what is going on over there?” Max whispered to Ray while spying on Tyson and Brooklyn across the room. 

“I’ve been wondering the exact same thing.” Ray mumbled in a worried tone. 

“I have mixed feelings about this…” Max put a hand over his mouth deep in thought. 

“I mean- Would it hurt? If he dated Brooklyn I mean?”

“Dating! Ray!” 

“I mean- Kai would be pissed but Brooklyn’s not exactly *evil* just…”

“Mentally ill? Unpredictable?” Max started listing at max speed. 

“Hey Max it’s not his fault he’s mentally ill. After working for Boris he must have suitcases of trauma.” 

“His special attack is called ‘King of Darkness attack.” Max rolled his eyes. 

“Okay, you got me there, but what are we going to *do* about it?” 

Max hovered in place thinking, unfortunately while they were thinking about it, Tyson and Brooklyn disappeared. 

“Ah fuck-” Ray stammered. 

“Like you said Ray, not like we could do anything about it.” 

“Tyson and Brooklyn though? I think I heard he was pissed at Hiro, could he be doing it to get back at him?” Ray pointed out with a worried expression. 

“We know Tyson he won’t do anything dangerous, if anything he will just experiment with Brooklyn maybe kiss a bit-”

“What.”

Ray and Max both turned on their heels to confront the familiar voice, their faces read fear, after all it was the one person they didn’t want to hear from. 

Kai stood there mouth agape for a few moments managing to pool together his thoughts.

“What. The. Fuck.”

[myforeverforlife]

the sacrifice (part three).

Baekhyun sighed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his robes as he stared up at the night sky. The moonlight seemed to be reflected in his one blue eye, the mark of his family's magic.  If he could prevent the loss of another innocent life, he would do everything in his power to help. 

He only hoped that what he had was enough. 

Series Masterlist: ( 1 )  ( 2 ) 

Pairing: Baekhyun and Fem reader

Word Count: 5,894

Masterlist

Your legs were falling asleep from staying in one position for too long, but you didn't mind. Not when Tanie was lying contentedly in your lap, her fluffy tail lazily sweeping the floor below her.

"You're such a pretty cat, aren't you," you cooed. Tanie meowed as you ran a hand through her fur, marveling at how soft she was. Clearly, Minseok took good care of her. 

"Don't go stealing my familiar from me," Minseok joked, looking up from where he sat reading through a thick book. His reading glasses threatened to slip down the bridge of his nose, and he quickly pushed them back up. 

"What is a familiar, anyways? A pet?"

"It's a lot more than a pet," Jongdae said, sitting up in his armchair. "A familiar has their own magic. They're meant to help a witch get in touch with the craft, to support their power. Once a familiar chooses their partner, the bond lasts for a lifetime." He grinned as Dotori's bushy tail tickled at the nape of his neck, the chipmunk sitting perched on his shoulder. "It's a deep friendship that lasts for centuries." 

"Centuries?" Your eyes widened in disbelief. "How old can witches be?" 

"Very old," Minseok said quickly.

Jongdae smirked, leaning forward in his seat. "Grandpa over there gets sensitive when it comes to age. I'm the youngest, and I barely had my 100th birthday a few years ago." 

"A hundred?" you exclaimed. Tanie flinched at the sound of your voice, pupils shrinking to tiny pinpoints before she lay back down again. 

"But you look so young! You hardly look any older than I do." A soft chuckle from behind you caught your attention, head whirling around to see Baekhyun amused by your reaction. 

"Something about practicing the craft prolongs our lifespans," he said. "It keeps ancient people like Minseok alive enough to be a hun — "

Minseok leaped at him, the heavy book falling out of his lap as he threw his hands over Baekhyun's mouth. "Say another word, I dare you," he grumbled. 

Baekhyun's body shook with laughter, eyes turning to crescent moons as he weakly pushed the other man off of him. His cheer was infectious, and gladly welcome after the stressful couple of days you all had. The four of you had been poring over books, starting with the revered family grimoires and moving on to the rest of the books in the library in search of a remedy. So far, you hadn't found anything that would rid Sehun of his illness. 

At least the witches were comfortable around you now.

The animals had been the first ones to completely warm up to you, Dotori taking a spot on your shoulder whenever she wasn't with Jongdae. Mongryong was always trying to drag you outside to play, while Tanie was content with sitting on you for hours as you pet her. 

Seeing how attached their familiars were with you already, it was only a matter of time before you got close to the witches as well. Minseok had been the first one you felt comfortable around, which didn't come as a surprise since he had been taking care of you since your arrival. You had befriended Jongdae over your mutual love of teasing Dotori, which annoyed the chipmunk to no end. 

Even Baekhyun, cold and closed-off, was beginning to warm up to you. He was still quiet and reserved around you more than the others, but he managed to start up small conversations here and there. No longer did you have sit in a room with him and feel stifled by the awkward silence. Plus, having Jongdae and Minseok around always helped to bring out his playful personality.

It came as a relief that the three witches were starting to trust you. It was strange to realize that if things had been different, if the king hadn't supported the persecution of thousands of witches, you might have befriended the coven years earlier. 

Minseok finally gave up on attacking Baekhyun, confident that the clairvoyant wouldn't be disclosing his age any time soon. "I hate to say it, but I haven't found anything yet that I think would cure the prince — not even the slightest bit. Illnesses of this degree usually require cures in the form of stronger, riskier magic." 

Jongdae hummed in agreement, full of regret as he eyed the stack of books lying at his feet. "Neither have I." Throughout your search, both men had taken the time to explain why certain spells or concoctions wouldn't work for Sehun, Minseok drawing from his knowledge of potion-making and Jongdae from his affinity for spell-casting.

"We have to keep looking," you replied, carefully reaching out for your family grimoire. Tanie climbed out of your lap as you replaced her empty spot with the thick tome, running a hand over the cover. You had pored over the pages day after day, unable to find anything that would serve as a remedy for Sehun's specific symptoms. 

"The answers may not be in these books," Minseok continued slowly, sensing how your anxiety was starting to bubble up. "But there is still something that we haven't tried."

"What is it?"

Minseok glanced over at Baekhyun, raising an eyebrow. "The full moon is in a few days. Perhaps the scrying stone will show you something that will help us."

A small frown settled on your lips. "But it hasn't shown us anything that we can use." 

Baekhyun had already tried, locked in his room with only Mongryong for company as the rest of you waited outside. The stone hadn't been very helpful, only predicting a few changes in weather patterns and pesky bugs and animals threatening to eat through Minseok's garden sometime soon. You weren't sure what Baekhyun did when he was scrying, but you were already able to tell how fickle the skill was. The scrying stone always varied in what it chose to show, a few seconds of the future at one time, a few minutes the next. The only thing Baekhyun could do was wait and watch. 

"A witch's power is at its highest during the full moon," Baekhyun explained. “It's become tradition for us to hold a ritual on the night of the full moon, to get in touch with the full extent of our magic."

"Do you think it'll work? That the crystal will lead us to a cure?" you added, eyes widening hopefully.

Baekhyun paused, searching for the right words. "I don't know,” he replied truthfully. "But I have a good feeling about it."

"Don't worry, little witch," Jongdae piped up. "Baekhyun's too modest about his abilities. The full moon's never failed him before." 

You nodded, even as Baekhyun glared at his friend. "Okay. I trust you — all of you." 

Baekhyun's expression softened, the genuine honesty in your words stirring up an emotion he hadn't felt in a while. He hadn't felt hope like this in ages, a feeling so strong, it was all-consuming.

It was almost like magic.

With a determined glint to his eye, Baekhyun stood up to stare out the window at the darkening afternoon sky. It would only be a couple of days before the full moon was upon them, whether they were ready or not. 

"We'd better start preparing as soon as possible," Baekhyun murmured. "Gather all of the materials that we need." 

"Is there anything that I can do to help?" you offered. Magic wasn't your thing, but helping prepare for the full moon? Maybe something you would have better luck with.

Baekhyun met your gaze, a full moon of his own nestled in his left eye. It never failed to surprise you how strikingly beautiful both of his eyes were — the brown and blue complementing each other. 

"Are you sure?" he asked. "You don't need to force yourself to participate in the ritual, much less help prepare for it." 

You shook your head. "It's no bother to me," you admitted. "I want to learn about my family's craft. Plus, it'll help keep me from getting too tangled up in my worries."

Baekhyun quickly glanced over at the other two witches, all of them aware of the couple of times they had found you deep in thought, fighting internally with your own struggles and concerns. "Alright," he said.

"Let's get started." 

It was amazing how much time was spent preparing for the ritual in the following days. You hadn't realized how much of practicing witchcraft actually consisted of gathering necessary materials. Minseok had taught you how to gather specific herbs to be burned during the ritual, venturing into the forest with you and Tanie. Some items needs to be picked at certain times, like a handful of yellow dandelions plucked early in the morning right as the sun began to rise. Others were less difficult to find, like a couple of bay leaves from the witches' garden. 

Jongdae noticed how you took interest in the strange writing that you couldn't read, and offered to teach you how to read the language of the ancients. It was hard going at first, especially with getting used to a completely different set of written symbols in addition to an entirely new language. But soon enough, you were able to recognize certain letters of the alphabet here and there, much to Jongdae's delight.

While the other two witches taught you about specifics of the craft, Baekhyun took it upon himself to inform you about each step of the full moon's ritual. The four of you would set out late at night, setting everything up before starting the ritual at midnight. The full moon ritual was known for being extremely draining, but Baekhyun assured you that all of it was worth it for the results. 

"Using magic on the night of the full moon, it's like nothing else. But it'll be a long night," he warned as both of you sat at the kitchen table. "We might not be back until dawn."

"I'll be fine," you told him, crushing some dried herbs that Minseok had brought up from the cellar. "Nothing like sitting in the cold, dark forest all night." 

Baekhyun smiled to himself as you continued to crush the herbs with a mortar and pestle — a task that Minseok had assigned to you. "Make sure you don't fall asleep. It's important that all of us are awake and focused." 

"Even if I don't have any magic?"

"Even so. Any break in concentration could interrupt the ritual, cut off access to our power."

You gulped in worry, the importance of the ritual creating cracks in your confidence. Tonight was the night, and it was only a few hours away before the four of you would be heading outside. 

Baekhyun eyed you warily, noticing how quiet you had gotten. "It's not too late to back out, if you're afraid."

"I'm not afraid," you replied stiffly. "Just nervous."

"Isn't that the same thing?" The witch laughed when you glared at him, a sight that you still couldn't get used to. "I mean it, Princess. You don't have to participate if you don't feel like it."

You pouted at his choice in nickname for you. It had caught on with all three of the witches, even as you protested and explained that just because you were the crown prince’s cousin, you weren’t necessarily a princess. As much as you complained, you hated to admit that the nickname was already growing on you. 

"If I'm not ready now, I don't know if I'll ever be." You returned to crushing the herbs in your bowl with renewed vigor, much to Baekhyun's amusement. 

"What's bothering you?" he asked, watching lazily with his arms propped up against the wood of the table. 

You worked away in silence for a bit, as if you hadn't even heard his question. "It's just that I have so many ideas about what I'm hoping will happen, and what if none of that turns out to be true? What if this is just another dead end?"

Baekhyun twiddled his fingers as he thought, the mole on his thumb disappearing and reappearing in between the movements of his hands. "It might be," he replied honestly. "I've learned that even with all of its power and potential, sometimes magic doesn't come to us in the ways that we want." 

The sudden shift in the mood had you pause in the middle of your work, stopping the rhythmic beating of the pestle. "What do you mean?" you asked carefully. 

Baekhyun raised his left eyebrow, the one curved over his blue eye. "Do you know what it means for someone in the Byun clan to have blue eyes?"

You shook your head. His mismatched eyes had intrigued you from the start, wondering what could cause such a unique contrast in colors, and yet you were too shy to ask.

"It's a sign of clairvoyance. My great-great-great-grandmother was the most skilled of our clan. I've heard that she had eyes so light, they almost looked white. She was powerful, not only able to see the future, but to change it as well. You can imagine my disappointment when I didn't even get the standard blue eyes of the Byun clairvoyants — just one." Baekhyun laughed dryly, sarcastically. 

"But one is better than none," you argued weakly. "I mean, you have the ability."

"I do, but not as much as I wish I did. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with this other eye." He pointed at the pool of warm brown in his right eye, thinking of another person dear to him who once had eyes in the same brown color. "The same as my mother's," he added softly. 

Baekhyun coughed suddenly, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. "It's just always lingering in the back of my mind, you know? The fact that no matter how hard I try, I don't have the same abilities that my grandmother had."  

"It might also be a good thing," you ventured. "It's not fair to have to live up to someone else's fame." With a shrug, you reached down to wipe your palms on your apron. "Sehun may be ill, but he's still a prince — and the only heir, to top it off. All his life, he's been groomed to be the perfect prince, the one to carry on the legacy of his family. But Sehun's not his father, or his grandfather, or anyone else. It's unfair to expect him, and you, to live up to meet standards that were set by someone else. The most that we can hope for is to be the best that we allow ourselves to be." 

Baekhyun sat stunned by your sage advice. He had decades of experience on you, and yet you seemed so much wiser. Perhaps you weren't as naive as he thought. "Thank you," he said softly. 

"You're welcome." And there it was again, another side to Baekhyun that you hadn't seen before. It made you wonder how much he and the others were learning about you as well, if they were just as surprised by what they discovered. 

You weren't the only one learning something new everyday. And yet, there was still so much to discover. 

The witching hour was almost upon you, much to your anticipation. Baekhyun was upstairs carefully wrapping up the scrying stone for the short journey the four of you would be taking, while the rest of you waited downstairs. Mongryong waited patiently at your feet, short stump of a tail wagging back and forth. 

Unluckily for poor Mongryong, your attention was on Jongdae. He stood beside you, black cape and pointed hat on as Dotori scurried up from his shoulder. She made her way onto his hat, perched on the edge even as it began to droop down. With a short squeak, she began running around over the fabric, much to Jongdae's dismay.

"Hey, quit it!" Jongdae exclaimed, his shouts turning to giggles as the chipmunk scrambled down from his head. In a flash, she disappeared down the back of Jongdae's robes, rendering him a mess or flailing limbs and laughter. 

You and Minseok watched on fondly, laughing at the sight of the chipmunk's tickle attack. Dotori reappeared at the collar of Jongdae's robes, tiny nose twitching in glee as she snuggled against him. 

"Yeah, yeah. You can try and be all cute with me, but it won't work." Despite his words, Jongdae scooped the tiny fluff of a chipmunk up and indulged her in a few berries. "What did I say about playing around on my hat? You could fall off and hurt yourself." 

Dotori only gave a small squeak before turning her attention back to her snacks. "Are all familiars as fond of their owners as she is?" you inquired, meeting the animal's eyes.

"Most are. I've heard of a few that are indifferent, but even those are fiercely loyal to their bonded." Jongdae shrugged. "No pairing is the same." 

"Which is a relief," Minseok added with a wide grin. "I don't think I'd be able to handle either Dotori or Mongryong's energy." He leaned down to kiss the top of Tanie's head, the feline resting easily in his arms. 

"I leave for two minutes, and you take this opportunity to insult my familiar?" Baekhyun's voice carried down the staircase as he descended. A bag was slung over his shoulder, presumably with the crystal inside. A midnight-blue robe was draped over his body, the fabric rippling smoothly with every step. 

Mongryong dashed over to Baekhyun with a cheerful bark, smothering the witch with love as he jumped up against Baekhyun's legs. It was endearing to see how close the witches were with their familiars — from Jongdae's playful relationship with Dotori, to Minseok's easy companionship with Tanie, and Baekhyun and Mongryong's intense loyalty to each other. Funnily enough, they reminded you of how close you and Sehun were. 

"Everyone's ready, then?" Jongdae asked, drawing you out of your thoughts. 

You nodded, even as you checked to make sure that all of the herbs and candles were tucked away neatly in your bag. The others would have things to carry as well, and you wouldn't hear of them shouldering heavy bags through the forest while you were left with nothing. 

The four of you left the warmth and comfort of the house and went out into the frigid night air, goosebumps immediately rising on your skin. You turned to see Minseok putting his own pointed hat on to match Jongdae, while Baekhyun pulled the hood of his robe over his head. 

"Why do you wear head coverings during the rituals?" you asked curiously, glancing from person to person. You had read about the tradition of wearing head coverings during the full moon rituals in one of the witches' books, but it had provided no explanation as to why. 

The brothers shared a look, but Baekhyun simply shrugged. "No real reason. It's just fun." 

Your brows jumped up in disbelief. "They're not important in affecting how the ritual goes? You don't wear them to help harness your magic?"

Baekhyun chuckled. "It's a hat, Princess. Or a cloak, in my case. It's not going to have any effect on our magic."

"Then why do you do it?" you spluttered out.

"Just for the fun of it." Noticing your flabbergasted expression, all three men burst into laughter. 

"I don't see what's so funny," you grumbled in your embarrassment. "According to your reasoning, I could be out tonight wearing a handkerchief on my head, and it wouldn't make any difference." "You could, but that would be ridiculous." Baekhyun's lip curled into a smirk. 

"No more than wearing a hat for no reason." 

Minseok interrupted, wanting to settle the squabble and actually get some work done. "The ancient witches wore headcoverings to protect their identities as they snuck away to meet up in the middle of the night. Now, they're more of a fashion statement." He chuckled, tugging on Baekhyun's blue hood. "Now come on, before we lose our chance. We don't have time to wait for the next full moon."

That sobered everyone up quickly, your small group of witches heading even further into the forest. There were no paths, and most of the journey was spent walking carefully around obstacles with only the light of a lantern for help. Mongryong took on the task of scouting ahead, toddling off into the brush ahead as the rest of you followed. Jongdae even began singing to himself softly to keep himself awake, Baekhyun's voice weaving and blending in to harmonize with the other's. The night chirpings of insects hidden away in the forest added to their music, creating an unexpected melody. 

You began to wonder if they were heading back to the stream where you first met Dotori. Mongryong let out a small yip of excitement as he wove back and forth between a cluster of bushes and trees. You followed after him, curious about what had gotten him so eager. 

You ducked around a few low-hanging branches, pushing past the last of the greenery only to be rendered speechless in awe by what lay on the other side.

Where you had been expecting a slow moving river was instead a large body of still water, the moonlight reflected perfectly on its smooth surface. The sound of the insects was even louder out here, although you couldn't spot another living creature apart from your small group. 

Mongryong walked to the water's edge, toeing the line but not going in. A sudden peal of laughter caught your attention, only to see Tanie mewling repeatedly as Minseok set her down on the pebbles that made up the lake's shore. The cat lifted up her paws gingerly, walking at an awkward angle as she scurried away back to the grass. 

"We've been doing this for years, and she still hates walking on the rocks every time," Minseok explained to you with a grin. "If she could have things her way, I'd be carrying her all night." 

Tanie finally relaxed as she reached the grass, settling down with her paws tucked underneath and her wise eyes watching over all of you. 

Time was of the essence, and the witches wasted no time in setting up. Baekhyun and Minseok got started on making a small fire while Jongdae went to gather water. You watched as he pulled out a bowl from his knapsack, dipping it into the pond. As he lifted it back up, the excess water spilled out from the edges, so luminous that you could have sworn he was collecting liquid moonlight. 

With steady, careful steps, Jongdae began to walk in large circles around the area where the rest of you were setting up, his pointed hat bobbing with each step. He was whispering to himself, casting a spell as he dipped his fingers into the bowl of water and letting the droplets fall to the ground every couple of steps. From what you had learned, the water was used to cleanse, to purify the area and to get it ready for the ritual. This was done to keep the magic contained, and to set up protection for the witches inside. 

"Y/N, the herbs," Minseok said. You pulled out the small pouch of herbs that you had collected and ground up, proud of your contribution to the ritual. He opened the pouch up just as Baekhyun managed to get a flame going over the tiny pile of dry brush and twigs, a proud smile lighting up the clairvoyant's face. 

"Perfect," Minseok breathed out, reaching inside the pouch and slowly letting the ground herbs fall into the fire, immediately producing a sharp fragrance that tickled your nose. 

Baekhyun sat down on the bumpy, rock-blanketed ground and rummaged through his bag for his scrying stone. He pulled it out delicately, handling the rounded crystal with extreme care. Mongryong, finally done with playing at the edge of the lake, faithfully came over to lay down beside his owner. The corgi's eyes were fixed on the small crystal, waiting patiently. 

You were just as entranced as Mongryong, not knowing what to expect. The crystal hadn't changed in appearance, even as Baekhyun ran his hands over it, eyes closed in concentration. 

Jongdae shook out the last drops of water in his bowl before sitting down on your other side, four witches and a couple of familiars forming a ring around the small fire. "We're ready," he stated, adjusting the brim of his hat. 

Minseok nodded, continuing to toss the ground-up herbs into the hot flame until none were left. Wordlessly, he reached out to Jongdae and Baekhyun, the other two immediately linking hands with him. You were startled to see them extend their hands towards you as well, waiting for you to complete the circle. 

The queasiness in your stomach wasn't because you were scared of the witches — nothing could be farther from the truth. Instead, you were scared of the unknown. This could be your last real chance to find a way to save Sehun, to revive the brightness and vitality to his face that had slowly waned over time. If this didn't work, you weren't sure how you'd be able to deal with it. 

But hope was all you had now. Hope, and magic.

You linked hands with the others, Jongdae's still slightly cold from the water while Baekhyun's was warm from sitting close to the fire. 

Minseok closed his eyes and began to speak in the old language — the language of the ancient witches. A sudden chill ran down your spine, an unfamiliar tingling sensation prickling over your skin. The feeling almost made you let go, but Jongdae and Baekhyun held on tightly to your hands.

Was this what sorcery felt like?

The cold prickling sensation faded, leaving behind an unusual feeling that seemed to spread throughout your body. It was warmth and comfort all wrapped up in one, and yet left the hairs on your skin standing straight up. 

You weren't sure how long the four of you sat there, hands clasped tightly while Minseok chanted under his breath. Baekhyun's earlier warning about staying away kept poking at you in the back of your mind, and you made an effort to keep your eyes open. You didn't dare to look at the others, staring down at your legs crossed beneath you for fear of getting distracted and losing focus.

After what felt like centuries later, Minseok opened his eyes. The after-effects of the ritual still lingered,  the magical warmth keeping you cozy even as you sat outside in the cold.

The others finally let go, Baekhyun's hands immediately finding their way to the crystal resting in his lap. He cupped it with both hands, eyes fluttering closed as he inhaled deeply. 

You let out a soft gasp as the crystal began to glow, swirling clouds appearing inside the tiny sphere. Even Mongryong was staring at it, his rounded eyes staring solemnly as everyone waited. 

"It may take a while," Jongdae whispered to you. "Don't worry." 

"What do we do?" you asked. 

Jongdae stretched his arms up high above his head, letting out a long breath of air. "Now, we wait." 

Honestly speaking, you were getting fed up with waiting. But you had learned by now that there was no rushing when it came to witchcraft. However, it didn't mean that you weren't bored.

Minseok had pulled out his reading glasses and taken another look through your family grimoire, even as you worried about him reading next to the fire. "I'll be fine," he waved you off easily, all too immersed in the book. 

Jongdae had been content with giving Dotori small treats every so often, but eventually began to show signs of boredom as well. Both of you started up an impromptu game of seeing who could build the tallest pebble tower, stifling hushed giggles while Minseok rolled his eyes from across the fire. The game was quickly abandoned once a pebble fell over, clattering against the rocky floor as you and Jongdae both looked up to see Baekhyun's reaction.

The witch didn't move, although you could have sworn that there were wrinkles between his eyebrows that weren't there before. 

It was absolute agony to wait for news — good or bad, but you supposed it was even worse for Baekhyun. Every so often, he would mumble to himself, the rest of you leaning in to hear what he had to say. Most of it was indecipherable, and the few words that you did catch didn't seem to make any sense. 

All of a sudden, Baekhyun let out a loud gasp, eyes flying wide open. Mongryong immediately jumped up and began nosing at his hands. 

"What? What is it?" Minseok demanded.

Baekhyun's hands were trembling, fingers tapping against the surface of the glass ball in an irregular rhythm. "A mountain," he said, voice so quiet you had to scoot closer to hear. 

"A mountain, and an entrance. There's books lining the inside, covering all of the walls — almost like a library. The Cave of the Ancients." He stared at the crystal without blinking, hypnotized by what he saw inside.

Minseok's eyebrows jumped up in disbelief. "It's real?"

"What is the Cave of the Ancients?" you asked hesitantly, not wanting to distract Baekhyun.

"A children's tale," Minseok replied in a hushed whisper as Baekhyun continued to stare into the crystal. "They say that this is where the oldest, most powerful secrets are kept. But no one's ever been, and there's no proof that it exists."

"I see an open field," Baekhyun continued, "Beyond the kingdom's reaches, by the sea. It's covered in mist, and..." Baekhyun groaned, eyes closing shut. His breathing started to become irregular, chest heaving with each breath of air. Even Mongryong was starting to get agitated, whining loudly. 

"Baekhyun, drop it," Jongdae exclaimed as Minseok reached forward to pry the clairvoyant's hands off of the crystal. You jumped in to help, Minseok finally managing to wrench Baekhyun's hands off of the sphere as you pulled it away. 

The scrying stone lost its haziness, returning to its original glassy appearance in your palms. 

Baekhyun was still panting, sweat beading on his pallid face as he pressed a hand to his chest. "I heard my mother," he gasped out. "She was in the field."

Jongdae's face turned white, mouth falling open in realization. "The Valley of Lost Souls."

With a low moan, Baekhyun nodded, head in his hands as Minseok tried to get him to drink from a canteen of water. 

Your blood ran cold with fear. "What does that mean?" you asked Jongdae. For Baekhyun to react like this, it must have been something terrifying. 

"In the myth about the Cave of the Ancients, it's said that to reach it, one must first pass through the Valley of Lost Souls. It's not supposed to be real." Jongdae ran a hand over his face, fingers stopping at his chin as he watched Baekhyun worriedly. 

"Neither is the Cave of the Ancients," Minseok added. He used some of the drinking water to dampen a rag, pressing the cold cloth to Baekhyun's forehead. "You're sure of what you saw?"

"It's like I was right there. She was calling out to me." Baekhyun's voice broke at the end. 

"But it wasn't her," Minseok reasoned calmly. "In all of the stories, the people in the Valley are only illusions, remember? They'll take your soul if you wander too far." He shook his head. "I don't like this. There has to be another way to find a cure." 

"We have to go. It's what the stone showed me, and there's been no other answer." A healthy pink flush was slowly returning to Baekhyun's skin, chasing away the eerie, chalky pallor that had been there only minutes ago. "We made a pact to save not only the prince, but the rest of the witches that still remain. We're doing this so that we don't have to hide in fear anymore, Min. It's a risk that we have to take."

Minseok sighed. "I'm worried, especially after what happened now. And besides, it's not just the three of us anymore." He turned to you, Baekhyun following his gaze. 

"I'm prepared for anything," you stated firmly. "But is it actually possible for us to find this place? You said it yourselves — this is a thing of myths and rumors."

"It was by the sea," said Baekhyun. 

Mirumi was the only kingdom bordering the sea, but it would also mean at least a week's journey — and going outside of Elyxere. You hadn't been outside of the kingdom since you were a small child, and that had been with your parents.  But you would travel to the ends of the Earth for your cousin. This was the closest you had gotten to finding an answer, and you wouldn't lose this chance.

Chin set in determination, you nodded. "I agree with Baekhyun, I think we should go. We all knew that this could be dangerous, but that shouldn't stop us. This is our only strong lead right now." 

Baekhyun smiled in relief, satisfied with your decision. "Jongdae?" 

The youngest witch sighed, glancing between his brother's face and Baekhyun's before nodding. "Sorry, Min. They've got a point." 

Minseok's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Alright. But," his voice hardened. "Staying safe is the most important thing. I'm not losing the rest of my coven." 

"Hey." Jongdae moved closer to his brother, resting an arm over his shoulders. "It's all going to be okay. We've got each other." 

Tanie meowed in agreement from her patch of grass, far away from your circle around the fire. The rest of you had practically forgotten about her during the events of the ritual.

"Thanks, you silly cat," Minseok replied with a wry laugh. "You won't even come walk on the rocks to comfort me?"

The white cat laid her head back down, tail lazily swishing back and forth behind her, much to everyone's amusement.

"We're going to need a wagon," Baekhyun said aloud. "It'll be impossible to ride on horseback with all of these familiars." He reached up to pet Mongryong, visibly relaxing as the corgi snuggled closer to him. 

"Then that'll be the first thing we do in the morning. But for now," Jongdae snuck a peek at you. "I think the princess might need a nap." 

You blushed bright pink. Was it that obvious that you were barely awake right now? 

The witches laughed at your surprise. "Don't worry, little witch," Jongdae told you. "The first full moon ritual is always the hardest. I'm surprised you managed to stay awake this long."

"I feel like I'm drop off to sleep any second now," you whined. 

"Alright, let's head back. We'll set off around midday, once everyone's gotten some rest," Minseok announced. 

As the fire was put out and all traces of the ritual cleared away, you still felt the lingering sensation of sorcery begin to fade away. Weariness began to set in — both from the long hours spent awake, and the thought of what lay ahead.

It was going to be a long, long journey, but it was one that you had to take. 

Tag list: @shesdreaminginoverdose​ and @bbyunz​ A/N: it’s been a month since I updated, but i’m so relieved to finally finish this chapter. i’ve been spending time going over my fic outline trying to figure out if I still need certain parts that I originally planned, and adding in new things that I didn’t have before. i want to say that this is the halfway point in the entire fic? it might be about 6 chapters and an epilogue (but like most of my writing plans, all things are subject to change haha)

also, even though i’m not writing whole fics for jongdae anymore, i love getting to write for him as a side character in this fic 🤣 cbx as witches might be my favorite characters that i’ve written (aside from spiderman jongdae and 1920s detectives cbx)

[paullicino]

A Year like No Other

(Taken from, and funded by, my Patreon.)

A lot of people are now calling 2020 the lost year and it’s not difficult to see why. Most of us have never had a year remotely like this last one. For some of us, the calendar began to blur, weeks and even months merging into one another in a sickly, uneasy timelessness that had us double-checking what day it was. For others, there was stress after stress, as we worried about our health, our jobs, our governments, even our countries. And the two experiences certainly weren’t mutually exclusive.

This month, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on that, acknowledging both the struggles and the successes. It’s sometimes been a difficult twelve months for me, but it certainly hasn’t been without its inspirations and its wonderful moments. I wanted to share some of those, to talk about a few ideas and to spotlight the things that helped me through 2020. I hope it helps. I figure it’s as good a time as any for us to be sharing our blessings.

And I think that first involves celebrating you. I think that’s very important. This past month, a year on from the first COVID cases being widely-reported (and also the first reports of cases where I live), I’ve read a lot by people asking questions like “What difference does it all make?” or “What is the point?” when they look back. They ask these questions when they think about things like their life changes, their mask wearing, their activism or their voting. They see an ongoing pandemic, social unrest or political inaction and wonder why they should make an effort while others are lax or apathetic. It’s natural to wonder that. I think anyone can understand the fatigue, the cynicism and the disillusionment.

But I also, get this, have a Hot Take on this that says that the choices you made were vital. When you chose to wear a mask, to socially distance, to restrict when and where you went, you actively helped fight a deadly virus. You may well have saved lives, saved someone’s health, protected livelihoods by acting as you have. When you voted, shared a cause on social media, attended a protest or talked to even one person about helping others or making the world better, you contributed to improving your society.

In fact, I have capital-O Opinions about these things so strap in and hold on, 'cause here they come.

I’ve been very fortunate to share much of my work on the internet over the years, which is a very particular medium, and sometimes that work reaches a lot of people. My experience of this is that you never know who it truly reaches, or when, or even how, and most of the time you never find out. There’s certainly an immediacy to things where you can see, pretty quickly, what the instant reaction to something is, but that’s fleeting. It doesn’t last and, within moments, there’s already something newer demanding more responses.

In time, the true consequences of things shake out. People get back to you with their more considered opinions. Sometimes months, even years after you do something, you find out from someone what they thought about it, how it affected them or even how they were changed. It can take time for a person to realise how they were changed, too, and we rarely have perspective in the moment. Sometimes it takes us years to appreciate the choices and the actions of our friends, our family members, our teachers, our communities. People have contacted me about work I’ve done long, long after I first shared it, and many of those people have come from places that I never expected, have found my work in ways that I never expected. I think, now, that consequence never travels in straight lines. That cause and effect are strangers rather than siblings.

And so I hope it’s clear that the ramble you have so kindly indulged is meant to say that we don’t always notice the good things that we have done. We ask “What difference does it all make?” or “What is the point?” because we don’t get those answers immediately, or for a long time, or sometimes ever. But not knowing when we saved someone’s health, when we changed someone’s mind, even when we inspired someone’s actions doesn’t mean that we aren’t making a difference. There is a point to our life changes, our mask wearing, our activism and our voting.

I hope you can celebrate yourself and give yourself credit for the choices you made this last year. They have mattered.

I also want to thank you so, so much for supporting my Patreon. I know many of you have been with me since day one, for more than two years now, and I’m so grateful for both your capital-P Patronage and your presence, whether that’s in our Discord community or through your comments and your correspondence. That’s made a big difference to me this past year, helping me pay rent and put food on the table during a time when so much has been uncertain. 2020 was to be my first full year back in Canada after a complicated, circuitous absence and I had half-finished projects, freelance ideas and half a dozen tabs open in my browser with writing residencies to apply for, everywhere from nearby Richmond to the Yukon Territory. I hoped this would be a year that I’d both finally see more of Canada and be able to write about it, too. A lot of things didn’t quite work out, freelance budgets were slashed, work timelines lengthened and I became ill, but as I look back now I’m thankful for a great deal.

I still managed to fulfill some ambitions. At the start of 2020 I’d been finishing up some work on Zafir, which had been an absolute delight, and I was not far off starting spring work on Magical Kitties Save the Day. The close of the year saw me resuming work on a Feng Shui expansion and each of these projects has been really good for me. All of them gave me a chance to work with skillful, progressive people and to become a better designer.

As spring continued, I decided to make a one-off video about board gaming and mental health during a pandemic, partly to offer a practical and helpful introduction to playing board games online and looking after yourself, but also because I wanted people to feel that their actions during a pandemic mattered. Among the things I referenced and linked to, I’ve continued dipping into Headspace from time to time, and this helpful list of brief work-from-home tips has been further updated. I’ve also since further investigated the terrific work of Dr. Ali Mattu, a psychologist and therapist who has produced a lot of material over the last year focusing on how to handle the pandemic.

With the summer came widespread protests across the United States, which highlighted the oppressive and fatal consequences of systemic racism and the urgent need for police reform, both issues not exclusive to the that country (for me, the events echoed the protests that began on my Tottenham street in  2011 and the violent response to 2010’s student protests). I shared a list of resources that I thought were important at the time, but there also followed a wide call for white people to make more effort to both seek out, engage with and promote motion pictures made by Black Americans, or which reflected the Black experience. It wasn’t a big ask and, as well as watching films that had been recommended many times over (such as Us, Da 5 Bloods, The Last Black Man in San Francisco and the excellent BlacKkKlansman, which was the best film I saw last year), I also tried to diversify my social media feeds more. Instagram was host to a growing discussion about how the platform seems to (deliberately or accidentally) divide people by race, something which I think may still be the case, and several nature photographers I follow promoted Tsalani Lassiter and Rae Wynn-Grant. To my delight, among many of the things they speak about and share, both are experts on bears.

I thought it was important to look more closely at Canada, too, so I made more of an effort to follow Indigenous issues and have begun reading Indigenous news sources, including First Nations Drum, Windspeaker and the Nunatsiaq News. CBC runs its own Indigenous news section, much of which is written by Indigenous reporters.A lot of freelance and writing opportunities dried up as the pandemic contracted the world’s economies, but in 2020 I was able to start writing for VICE, working with my old colleague and friend Rob Zacny, and interview the world’s most famous board game designer. VICE has written a lot of relevant, helpful and informative material about current events over the last year and I was heartened by the words of a fellow VICE writer, Gita Jackson, who concluded her essay about living in The Cool Zone of historical possibility by reminding us how “In The Cool Zone, we can also rediscover hope.”

This year I was also inspired by Faith Fundal’s widely-shared CBC podcast They and Us, which was an excellent (and still rare) example of a mainstream media exploration of gender identity and trans rights, and really pleased for my friend Brendan, who launched his podcast project Hey, Lesson! in the autumn. Of course, I can’t mention podcasts without again reminding you of my love for the spooky, supernatural Death by Monsters, which I got to host last winter. It was my dear friend Paula, one of its presenters, who recommended that I start streaming regularly, something I now do here. She was absolutely right when she talked about how positive and social an experience it can be. It’s been a real joy, as well as added some important structure and schedule to my week.

And, of course, the arrival of my first full year as a Canadian resident meant that I got to celebrate my first anniversary as a Canadian resident. I paid my taxes! Let me tell you, it was a slightly confusing and esoteric experience, but it was also one of those mundane, humdrum things that confirms and validates you. Though I didn’t get to throw a party for that anniversary, I did get to enjoy my birthday celebrations before the pandemic really hit. My partner surprised me with a trip to the not-quite-remote-but-definitely-secluded Gibsons, on the quiet British Columbia coastline, which was the best birthday gift anyone’s ever given me and a chance to see more of the rocky, forested, mountainous fringes of a place I’ve fallen so in love with. Before Vancouver closed down, I was also able to collect more than a dozen people (representing five different nationalities!) together in a brewery and then a restaurant, something that now feels like an extremely alien concept. For some of us in our friend group, it’s the last memory we have of coming together and being in the same space. That gives it a pronounced poignancy, a bittersweet quality.

Finally, I’d like to share two more things with you. The first is particularly peculiar and personal: I found my wizard. After drafting this piece last summer, then sharing it in the autumn, a few suggestions led me not straight to my goal, but ultimately down the right path. The game that I was thinking of is called The Tomb of Drewan and I very much doubt that anyone, anywhere is likely to have heard of it. It’s thirty-nine years old this year and it was distributed by a publisher in Berkshire, not so far from where I grew up. It only took me three and a half decades to see what it looks like in colour.

Tracking down this game was a softly satisfying experience. It’s exactly as I remember. Everything makes sense. Reading through the manual reminds me of how difficult it was to try and understand this thing through a monochrome monitor, though I also think it was likely way too complex for the child I was. I don’t think I ever got anywhere. I don’t think I ever could have. But I at least know that my memory has served me well. That wizard was as real as could be.

The second thing is something about my own missing year, something that has also resurfaced in my memory as we’ve plodded through 2020. In the long, dark winter months, in the unstructured days and the collapsing weeks, I’ve been transported back to the early 2000s and to a time that now feels very familiar. Here's what that was like.

I’d been writing professionally for a few years, comfortably and competently, while still living in suburban Hampshire. As publishing moved from magazines to the internet, my work began to dry up, my options narrowed and, honestly, I didn’t respond to this shift by producing my best material. I also didn’t know what to do about all this change, becoming directionless and unsure. I didn’t yet have the confidence to take some of the larger steps that I eventually did and, instead, somewhere in all that I began to move backward. I struggled to find work. I slept the strangest hours. I was frustrated, but it also didn’t matter nearly enough to me because also, I was no longer motivated.

I have memories of waking up at all kinds of times of day and night. Of not knowing where to go. Of running out of things to take photographs of, after looking at the same local sights over and over. It was like living at the bottom of a well, with a tiny, distant view of the world and no handholds for climbing out. I wasted time because I had time to waste, something I deeply regret now, and I became crabby, unhealthy and inward-looking. I was far from my best.

The last time I was in England I found myself going through old things from the early 2000s. I found many of the books I read, a great deal of writing I’d done and, in particular, a lot of my old RPG notes. A lot of old RPG notes, an absolute wealth of work that far exceeded anything I’d done outside of any work except that on Paranoia. I’ve written before about my roleplaying past and how I have fond memories of it, but I had completely forgotten exactly how much material I had collected together. I had so many biographies that I’d indexed them. I was starting to form an encyclopedia of everything I’d done, just so that I could find and reference the things I needed.

I had also read so much, which both prepared me for my degree and began to make me a better writer. I’d mostly stopped reading in my mid-teens and this was a new spurt of interest that led me toward many of the tastes and preferences I have today. I began to develop my fiction and non-fiction writing styles and I developed an interest in non-fiction that had paid me back a thousandfold.

I was building a new me.

I see now that I didn’t lose a year. I was certainly caught in a swamp of sorts, struggling to make progress, but the experiences I had during that time still mattered. They didn’t matter right away and they didn’t matter in any way that seemed at all obvious to me at the time, but they helped to shape me and to guide me, to show me both what I wanted and, certainly, what I didn’t want. If I had the chance to repeat it, I’d for sure live that missing year differently. I’d live it so much better, so much wiser and so much more fruitfully, but I can at least see it now as not the waste I long thought that it was.

And so I hope it’s clear that the ramble you have so kindly indulged is meant to say that, some time in the future, you may look back on 2020 and find your successes, your satisfaction, even your strength. I don’t mean to disregard anyone’s suffering or sadness, your feelings are valid and the pain, loss and difficulties you’ve encountered are very real. I don’t much like people who dismiss the feelings of others and I apologise if I’ve been too glib. I think a past version of myself needed to read something like this, a long time ago, and I only want to give them, you or anyone who might see this, hope for the future, a few reasons to be optimistic and, very importantly, a reminder to celebrate yourself.

Happy 2021. You made a difference. You always have.

[misssophiachase]

With or Without You

For Klaroline AU Week - Day 4 - Enemies to Lovers

Rebekah is diagnosed with a virus and sent to the hospital for observation. To help stop the spread, the two people closest to her in the past two weeks need to self-quarantine. The problem is her best friend and her brother can’t stand each other. Forced to live in the same house, will they kill each other or do something entirely different before 14 days is up?

(Please note: I realise this is a difficult time and the subject matter is serious but this drabble is designed to be just a bit of fun during a tough time.) 

“I can’t live with or without you.”

Day 3

“Honestly, Kat, I’m not sure if I can last much longer,” she groaned. “He sings in the shower, badly. he leaves the toilet seat up constantly and don’t get me started on his remote control form. He switches channels that fast I feel like I’m at a rave.”

Caroline lived in Los Angeles with Rebekah Mikaelson, they’d been friends for years. Her brother had shown up recently from London, where he was based, only for Rebekah to develop the virus. She was going to be okay but had been sent to hospital purely for observation purposes meaning they were imprisoned together as a precaution for fourteen whole days. 

To say she wasn’t coping was an understatement. 

“So, you haven’t had sex yet?” She asked matter-of-factly. Even though she was currently staring at Caroline through a computer screen, she still had the annoying ability to cut straight to the awkward part.

“Kat! She hissed, looking down the hall to check he wasn’t listening. “Your inappropriateness knows no bounds even via Skype.”

“The way I see it is the sooner you have sex, the frustration you feel towards each other and the situation will dissipate. And who knows? If the sex is good you’ll not only have something to do to pass the time but you’ll also be getting your required cardio.”

“Seriously,” she growled. “Is sex all you think about?”

“About 90 per cent of the day,” she quipped. “Tell me you have a better idea?”

“Ah, not to sleep with him because he’s an arrogant asshat who thinks the world revolves around him?”

“I don’t think, love, I know,” he called out. Unfortunately, she chose that exact moment to turn around and copped an eyeful.

“Wow, does he work out?” Kat cooed, obviously she’d had the privilege of seeing him too dressed only in a white towel tied low on his hips, his bare chest and six-pack on full display. Caroline felt her mouth go dry and was struggling to form words he looked that delicious. 

“If you use all of the hot water again, Mikaelson, I swear I’ll come in there and..” she paused, realising what she’d alluded to.

“By all means, love,” he murmured, the dimple in his left cheek making an ill-timed appearance. “Maybe that way we can conserve water.”

“You are unbelievable,” she muttered. “Not if we were the last two people on the planet and we had to repopulate the earth.”

“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, Forbes,” he chuckled, shutting the bathroom door behind him.

“You are so screwed figuratively and literally, ” Kat laughed. Caroline didn’t respond knowing her friend was right. 

She should have hated him, in fact she had since they met eleven years earlier. Caroline had befriended Rebekah during sophomore year at high school. They were both cheerleaders and had bonded over music and drama club. 

Rebekah was new to her school, so too her brothers Kol, Elijah and Niklaus. The first two were polar opposites personality-wise but she got along with them famously. The problem was with Niklaus, or Klaus as he liked to be called.

They’d clashed from the outset. It started with a few stray insults and developed into more insults and pranks. Apparently everyone thought it was a passing phase but it wasn’t ending anytime soon. 

However, being locked up with him in quarantine was doing all sorts of strange things to her. In fact, she was experiencing all these not-so innocent urges. She wanted to blame it on Kat’s innuendo or that fact he swanned around the house barely clothed but there was definitely something bigger at play here.

Day 5

“She keeps making me watch all of these bad movies, only cooks meals with weird and unidentified grains and apparently the living room is her personal gymnasium,” he complained. 

Klaus Mikaelson didn’t do roommates and there was a very good reason why. He liked his space and he liked walking around partially naked but suddenly he was thrown into this quarantine situation which was a complete minefield. 

“I said I���d only take this Skype call if you didn’t complain about Caroline Forbes, Niklaus, but yet here we are again,” Enzo growled. “You two need to get a room and pronto.”

“We have rooms, in fact, we have a whole house of rooms and yet that still isn’t enough distance between us,” he muttered. “I am going to go crazy locked up in here with her.”

“And the best dramatic Oscar performance goes to...”

“You would feel exactly the same way, Lorenzo,” he argued. “Caroline Forbes is nothing but a spoilt princess who thinks the world revolves around her.”

“I don’t think, I know, asshat,” she drawled finding her way into his room while repeating his sentiments from two days earlier. No doubt just to push his buttons that much more. 

What Klaus wasn’t expecting was for her to look so wet doing it. Yes, she was wearing yellow, rubber gloves but her white t-shirt was soaked through revealing a very lacy bra and some rather pronounced nipples no doubt due to the temperature. 

“Holy...” Enzo murmured before Klaus shut his laptop with a bang. He figured it was the least he could do to protect her innocence and it had absolutely nothing to do with jealousy whatsoever. Or that’s what he told himself.

“You’re here in my room...wet,” he mumbled, trying to look anywhere but exactly where his eyes wanted to go. 

“I’m trying to clean up after your lazy ass,” she groaned. “You do realise how germs spread right? Maybe if you took better care to clean up after yourself then we wouldn’t be experiencing our current predicament.”

“I’m aware of our current predicament, trust me,” he shot back. “Since when did cleaning end in a drenching. I know you like me, Forbes, but I can see everything.” She looked down in complete shock, his comment having the desired effect.

“Unbelievable,” she muttered, pulling off her wet gloves and throwing them in his direction before leaving his room, no doubt to change her top. 

“I’m the one who’s spreading germs?” He cried out, attempting to remove the dirty gloves from the bed. 

Klaus and Caroline had never gotten along in the eleven years they’d known each other. Klaus decided from the outset that Rebekah truly was evil bringing her into his life and home. Caroline had this annoying ability to get under his skin and Klaus unfortunately let her.

His friends and brothers told him it was because he liked her deep down. Sure she was hot. there was no denying that, but he’d prided himself on maintaining his distance. Well, that was until he was forced to live in such close quarters for two whole weeks. 

His willpower was waning and Klaus wasn’t sure he could go the distance.

Day 7

“Would you stop switching channels so fast, it makes it a little difficult to see what’s actually on,” she offered, rolling her eyes as she said it. 

They were seated on the couch, the long, uneventful days were taking their toll and the fact they still had another week to go wasn’t doing much for their morale. 

“There’s nothing on so it doesn’t really matter,” he replied in frustration. “I’m so bored! And if you dare suggest cleaning again I will confiscate your rubber gloves.”

“Well, what else is there to do?” She mumbled. “And please spare me from running around the place half naked again, I’d like to keep down my dinner.”

“Come on, you secretly love my naked form,” he smirked. Her tell-tale blush was giving her away instantly. “You know I’m not that bad once you get to know me.”

“Funny, the past week hasn’t unearthed any new or redeemable features that I can tell,” she answered. 

“Just so you know those little insults of yours don’t offend me in the slightest bit so please just give it a break, Forbes.”

“Well, what do you suggest we do to pass the time?” She asked, obviously not realizing just how loaded her question was. 

They were seated on the couch, only a few feet apart, if either of them were to just lean forward they could do something really stupid. Or really fun, depending on who you asked. 

“Fine,” she said, reading his mind. “But if we do this, don’t think this means I like you in any way, Mikaelson,” she clarified.

“The feeling is mutual, trust me, sweetheart,” he agreed. They paused momentarily almost as if they were thinking about the very prominent line they were about to cross and weighing up the pros and cons. 

It didn’t take much consideration as he pulled her greedily towards him so she was straddling his lap. Caroline never knew just how crimson his lips were from this vantage point, Klaus was thinking the same about her blue eyes.

He ran his hands along her cheek, his thumbs rubbing circles over her skin. Her heart was racing and given she was practically touching his chest she knew his was too.

There was no going back.

His lips found hers, slowly at first almost like he was taking his time to discover every inch of her mouth. She moaned against him as his tongue dipped into her warmth. She tasted like a heady mixture of mint and chocolate from dessert and now Klaus had tasted her once he wasn’t ready to give her up anytime soon.  

Caroline grasped his neck, her fingers playing with the stray curls at the nape as she melted into his kisses. Klaus knew it wouldn’t be long given just how much he’d wanted her all these years.

He stood up, and wound her toned legs around his waist, careful not to break contact. They made their way quickly to the bedroom excited for what was in store. 

Turns out the sex continued longer than seven days and also out of quarantine. In fact, the sex turned into dating and the dating turned into an engagement. At their wedding, Kat, Rebekah and Enzo regaled the guests with stories about how they got together when they were forced together in lockdown. 

Who said quarantine was necessarily a bad thing?

[atalana]

Callum, Dark Magic, and The Meaning of Strength

Okay, so... season 2 gave us a lot to think about. And then I had a huge conversation with a friend about it, which made me think even more.

I wanna start this by talking about dark magic, where exactly it comes from, and why it affected Callum the way it did. Because while it might be normal for a dark magic novice to find a spell like that draining, it turning into a full on illness that would have killed him is not standard practice.

Now dark magic isn't technically magic. Not in the traditional sense, anyway, which is why the Xadians don't see it as magic. And they've got good reason. Using primal magic is about connecting with the universe, it's a give and take thing, and to use primal magic you have to trust and respect the elements around you. When you have a good relationship with the source of your magic, it will work for you, because it's a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Dark magic, on the other hand, is essentially necromancy. It's trading in the lives of other beings to gain power for yourself. And the universe isn't gonna let you just do that. Not without consequences. If primal magic is an exchange of trust between you and the universe, dark magic is you standing with your boot on its neck demanding it works for you. And the universe is gonna fight back against that. So you need the mental strength and defences to keep it under control.

Claudia said that using dark magic without proper training is dangerous. And she trained with Viren, she'd know why. Because there's no balance to dark magic, and therefore, no limit. Once you make that connection with dark magic, you're chaining yourself to a starving lion. And either you learn to dominate it, or it eats away at you until you die.

When you train dark magic properly, you'd learn this slowly. The smaller the spell the smaller the threat, and you can learn to build up your mental defences without risking the magic winning. And the more practiced you get, the easier it is to take more and more from the universe (but also the more it takes from you, hence the whole dark magic zombie appearance).

But then we have Callum. And Callum approaches dark magic like it's primal magic, which is a very dangerous thing to do.

There's a few different things that made Callum super vulnerable here.

First, he expected the same give and take trusting relationship as with primal magic, which dark magic doesn't have.

Second, his mental defenses were at an all time low, because he'd spent most of the season trying to remove them in order to connect with primal magic (in a trusting relationship, you can't spend the whole time with your guard up, or it won't work).

And third, he was afraid of dark magic, and you can't hold something hostage when you're afraid of it, it'll lash out and you'll lose.

So Callum goes in trying to copy what Claudia did (and points to him, he does have a photographic memory, so casting the spell itself wasn't actually a problem, which is I'm sure why he thought he'd be fine). He succeeds in casting it, because his technique was fine, but he doesn't have anything in place to protect himself, so instead of forcing the universe to take the power out of the bug, it takes the power out of him. And then, without Callum forcing it to stop, it just keeps going, draining him for everything he's got.

The first part of his mindscape is that battle with the magic. It's worth noting at this point that a decision either way would have kept Callum from dying, he just had to be sure about it. Reject the magic completely, and it loses its hold over you. Accept the responsibility of it, and you learn to control it (which will eventually turn you into someone like Viren). But Callum chose the former (despite being tempted by the latter), which is very telling of who he is as a person.

It's no coincidence that Callum's psychological journey this season went hand in hand with his magical progression. And the key to that is in what Harrow told him about strength.

Harrow starts off by talking about the traditional idea of strength. You know, your stereotypical masculine ideal - show no feelings, be in control at all times, be physically strong, slay a dragon, etc etc. He talks about how this is what you're taught true strength is, which is true in his world and ours. This is what's constantly equated to strength in the stories we're told, the lessons we're taught, that strong people suffer in silence, that strong people carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, that strong people are strong enough to survive life on their own, and emotions and vulnerability are weaknesses. This is usually also equated with physical strength, these are the ass-kicking heroes we're supposed to look up to.

And this is the kind of strength required for dark magic. If you want to control your magic, you need to control your own mind, show no weaknesses that could be exploited, it's a fight for your life that you have to be sure of winning.

It's no coincidence also then that dark magic is the traditional tool of the humans, because of course it is. It is all the ideals we're taught to strive for - power without limit, controlling those around you, relying on no one but yourself.

And throughout the series, this is something Callum's failed at. He's not a fighter in the traditional sense, he's not physically strong, he's shitty in a sword fight, and he's so empathetic and caring. And he beats himself up for that, because he believes those are the traits that make him useless - not surprising, given how he's been raised to view those as the only important traits, especially for a prince and not a regent. He's royalty, and that's a title that has a lot of weight to it, but he's not of royal blood, he'll never be the king, which puts him at a disadvantage right off the bat. He's constantly trying to prove himself, and he hasn't found the way to do that yet, because as far as he's concerned, his only strength is art, which isn't a 'real' strength. Feeling useless is the whole reason he turns to dark magic, which feeds again into that parallel.

But then Harrow says what is in my opinion the most important lesson in the series, and I love him so much for saying it - that isn't real strength.

Real strength isn't about how much power you have, how much you can control, or how guarded you can be. Real strength is in trusting others, in staying vulnerable, in the quiet moments that look like weakness to people who perpetuate the physical strength ideal. (And honestly as someone who struggled with this idea a lot as a teenager and eventually overcame it, I know Harrow's right, but I so rarely hear it said in media).

This is the kind of strength needed for primal magic. The strength to look at a vast, terrifying universe, and ask it for help. And that's a hard thing to do. Callum even comments on how surprisingly easy dark magic was, because that kind of thinking is very easy to slip into. It's easy to try and gain power, it's easy to have walls up. It's hard to put your trust in something so completely, not knowing what the outcome will be. But that's where the strength part comes in.

Harrow is present in Callum's mindscape to remind him of this, when dark!Callum is doing its best to convince him that dark magic (and all it entails) are the only way. It's the human tradition! It's the only way humans can survive in this world! It makes you powerful and useful and no one will be able to control you!

Everything Callum's heard his whole life, in one form or another, everything our media tells us constantly.

Harrow reminds Callum that he is in charge of his own life. He is free of the harmful traditions of the past, he forges his own way. And Callum says no. No, I decide who I wanna be.

Choosing to keep your vulnerability in a world trying to take it from you isn't a weakness. It's the strongest choice of all.

And it's knowing that and deciding that that frees Callum from the dark magic. It doesn't grant him instant access to primal magic, or there wouldn't be any point - true strength is not an easy journey, and there's always a chance you'll fail. But it puts him in the best position to try. And by accepting Sarai's help, he manages it.

Harrow wanted his sons to forge a new path, to be free of expectation and not defined by what came before. And Callum's done that. (Ezran is also doing that, in his own ways, I think, though there was more of a focus on Callum this season). They're moving towards a new future, a one where humans can learn primal magic, not just dark, and one where creativity, kindness, and patience are seen as the strengths they are, not as things holding you back.

(As a side note, I've seen a lot of theories around of Callum being a half elf, but I gotta say, I really hope that isn't true, because it runs so counter to everything this season was saying. Yes, Callum is the first human we know to do primal magic, and a lot of that is on his own merit, but he never would have learned had he not had the opportunities and guidance that he did. Very few humans can even do dark magic, we've only seen Viren and Claudia do it so far, and primal magic is hugely out of reach for the majority of people. Villads is a good example, he understands the sky arcanum, but wouldn't have considered using it for magic, because magic's not a part of his world. And those who would have the knowledge and motivation to learn magic are the people who already have power and resources, who believe in the wrong kind of strength, who wouldn't be able to understand an arcanum even if they did know what one was. Which means they're therefore much more likely to see dark magic as the only, or possibly the superior, option.

Callum may never be king, but he will stand alongside Ezran as they lead their people into a new age, and he'll be the one teaching them magic - turning what was once an impossibility into an opportunity, and hopefully mending the original rift between humans and Xadians.)

[thecharmingknightemma]

rules

Hello everyone! I'm sorry if this is long but it's necessary so that you can jump straight into writing with me even if Emma is nearly an oc or a stranger to your muses - and because I'm not English and want to be sure it's all clear. I've been writing for eight years and I'm known to be chill and accommodating but I am also extremely aware of what my preferences and comfort zones are so please read the rules.

My name is Ele, I'm 31, cis woman, super friendly, slow because chronically ill especially when it comes to ooc chat which require too much energy and focus from me, so while I love plotting and commenting threads don't expect ooc chats to be a priority if they aren't fully about the threads. This blog has sideblogs: 'monsterinamusicbox', sosadandyetsoamazing, musesonawhim, and more might come. 

This is an AU Blog so you don't really need to have seen OUAT because this is NOT canon Emma Swan, there is no Storybrooke, and the princess Emma who remembers what was meant to happen in OUAT will let you know everything that you missed; so you'll need to read Emma's bio, either her AU enchanted forest backstory OR the backstory from our world which can fit Marvel, DC and other shows, depending on which character you play (it's awkward to realize the other person has no idea of what I'm writing, like I said, this won't be Emma Swan even in our world, she's been raised by her parents).

There is another backstory for non Enchanted Forest crossovers that doesn't have an abusive ex in it, check it out if the original one is triggering for you. You can request it, no explanation needed.

update of July 26: due to my health and lack of time I can't try to plot with every single mutual even if I follow first, so I ask you to please give me a sign you read my pages and would like to rp. Either by liking my many plotting calls, sending me a meme, liking starter calls, anything will do. Often when I try to plot people haven't read my pages yet or don't reply, and it's a lost occasion to plot with people who are ready. Thank you for your understanding.

WHO I RP WITH

I’m mutuals only and selective. If I don't follow you and you try to rp I'll ignore you, because I get anxious about saying no. If curious you can find reasons why I didn't follow you back here. Memes and opens have no expiration date. Untagged nsfw = I unfollow. Some shows I prefer not to interact with because I don't know them or aren't into some of their themes: vampire diaries, teen wolf, riverdale, gossip girls and any zombie/demons show outside of IZombie, Lucifer and Buffy/Angel.

Between asterisks it's what only people who write ouat characters need to read, the rest is for everyone:

**If your character is involved in her backstory, you have every right to discuss details with me so you won't feel godmodded/forced to adapt to it! I will also change things connected to your ch, for example if I write with a Jefferson, Emma's bff will be Ariel and not Grace. I'd rather not interact with ocs that are supposed to be her siblings or children etc. Henry was never born so if you play Henry we should plot it out because my Emma can’t be pregnant as a kid or she will be a completely different character.**

In this blog due to backstory issues she would want Regina dead so I prefer NOT to interact nor come up with new aus in which she’s fine with it (I have 2 plotted exceptions and that’s enough for me), and same goes for people who are currently villains from any fandom, though in that case we can plot out exceptions in which they aren’t being villains; if they are a grey-area, aren't people who hurt her family, and if you are pro-redemption it's fine, if not Emma wouldn't submit to anyone or bother to chat, she will try to kill them or die, so no threads are really doable. She's also not the type to hang out/bother with characters who are rude to her or to insist if they want her to leave, or to support who keeps manipulating her, hurting people or doesn't seem to be helped by her presence at all but keeps coming to her with pain to share (the latter would get a therapist card). Basically: Killian Jones the way he was written in the show, or even a Rumplestiltskin who found Belle and chose to do better and so on are fine. Villains who will mistreat Emma, have hurt her family, or are currently hunting children for sport? Not good for Emma.

TRIGGERS AND WHAT I WON’T WRITE

Triggers will be tagged ‘name of the trigger tw’, you can always ask me to tag more AND tell me if something in her backstory makes you uncomfortable, so that I can find a solution (that issue is resolved/doesn't need to be mentioned) or tell you if it can't be skipped and you can choose not to write with me. I don’t write about miscarriage, toxic/abusive relationships and rape between my character and yours (temporarily evil due to magic/Dark One Emma being manipulative is fine, but rape is still a no). It’s not exactly a trigger but please tag your gore and body horror? The topic of hell is also complicate, I need you not to focus too much on torture and eternal damnation. And please, PLEASE, tag your daddy kink/mommy kink references ic and ooc. 

MEMES

I’d rather get asks when you want to start a thread, reblog all the memes you want from me. I will reblog from the source or send you one if you prefer it that way but I don’t care if you reblog them from me.

ACTIVITY

Sometimes I'm fast, some I'm slow, but you can have as many threads with me as you want, take your time, reply as much as you want as long as you give me enough to write, drop threads, send memes or not. I like icons but I don't need them to write, you can stop using them whenever. 

NSFW and relationships

NSFW of the smut kind will be tagged as such and usually put under read more. I don’t write smut with everyone, only with people I know ooc/feel comfortable writing it with. I love shipping but I DON'T FORCESHIP, FRIENDSHIPS ARE WELCOMED. My Emma is straight. I do not romantically ship her with Neal/Baelfire even in aus, in her dark witch verse he's a past love Emma Swan had. Happy to find out if a relationship works between my Emma and Killian (my nearly automatic otp if you don't write him darker than in canon), the Huntsman, AU Pinocchio, Jefferson, and more if there is chemistry, but friendship is open to any of them too. Here for crossover ships as well. I’d really appreciate if you could tag your Swan Queen and Swan Thief, thank you.

OTHER FANDOMS I LIKE

Due to potential aus or crossovers, as in princess Emma showing up through a portal or me writing aus to adapt to your fandom, I want to bring up that some of the shows and movies I know are/what she can be in them with small changes to her regular backstory:

AOS (she can easily be inhuman or an alien),

Avengers movies (and at least Thor, Cap, Iron Man and Hulk’s movies), Ant-Man, Captain Marvel (same as above),

the 100 (she’s too happy to be anything but someone who comes from an unknown village or comes from one of the unknown worlds),

Chuck (she can be an ordinary human being, enhanced person/semi-alien depending on who rps the Chuck characters),

Elementary (she can be a regular human or whatever you want)

Flash (she can be a metahuman),

Guardians of the Galaxy (Same as for Marvel),

Legends of Tomorrow (human, alien, metahuman),

Doctor Who (she can be anything),

Firefly: she can be anything (I can also shake things up with her being an alien/having powers OR by coming from the planet where fairy tales are real).

Galavant (same universe as the Enchanted Forest),

Supergirl (she can be an ordinary human or alien),

IZombie (human or zombie),

Lost (she can be anything anything)

Buffy and Angel but only the tvshows (human, witch, one of the many new slayers),

Timeless (human unless the other rper prefers a crossover),

Lord of the Rings (probably just princess Emma portal jumping?)

pretty much any famous sitcom like Friends, the Office, Parks and Rec, b99 (likely she can only be human unless asked otherwise).

Also Lucifer and Good Omens (she could be an ordinary human or it’s more of a crossover in which she comes from her own universe and has magic), and more I can’t think of right now.

[eyesaremosaics]

Got a very sad phone call yesterday. My first love (who remained one of my best friends for a decade after our connection ceased to be romantc) phoned me to say he is very ill. He was born with a disease, which has now gotten past the point of no return. He is deeply depressed, listless, and tired of fighting. This was the first time we have spoken in a year— after a falling out we had a few years back... he called to tell me that he is dying. Essentially he has only one option left available, and it’s very risky and experimental, if he misses a dose—then there really is nothing they can do. He has decided to stop taking his medicine, which means he has maximum four years left to live.

A series of complex emotions have been plaguing me ever since yesterday. Numb disbelief, shock, anger, confusion, understanding, and deep unconditional love. This is devastating news. I wonder why when faced with our own mortality... only then so we realize just how much people have meant to us in our lives.

He was one of my best friends for over 15 years... that is more than half my life. He was the first boy I ever fell in love with... there is always something special about the first time you feel that emotion, because it is all so new and consuming. I gave my virginity to him, we survived so much together, and he was the only one of my old flames that I was able to reconcile my differences with and salvage a friendship with... a really... important friendship.

I feel heartbroken and devastated that he is choosing death over life, but it is his life, and I won’t invalidate his pain. Who am I to tell him he shouldn’t feel the way he does? After all he has suffered? With all that was denied him. All that he can never have. He needs someone to hear him, and understand him, and I do. I always have. That’s why I fell in love with him all those years ago in the first place.

I know he could get better if he wanted, but he doesn’t want to. “I’m tired of feeling like an accessory in other people’s lives.” He feels like he has lived for other people since he was thirteen years old... when he first discovered he was sick. After being adopted... to inherit a life sentence like that... it’s enough to make anyone bitter to say the least. It’s just sad. There is nothing I can do now, except love him, and let him go.

We always want people to stay with us, because of our selfish feelings of wanting to experience them. Yet we don’t have to live their life, and if someone is really ill, and in a lot of pain, they shouldn’t have to stay just because we aren’t ready to let go of them. It has been hard for me to make peace with his decision, but it is his choice to make. Going through the stages of grief right now, and a lot of memories are coming up strong. Memories I locked away, and forced myself to forget.

Thinking about all my failed relationships in general today, and trying to find the gift I got from each of them. This person took me under their wing when I was a freshmen in high school. After being bullied so mercilessly in middle school, I was petrified of high school. He saw my value immediately, and went out of his way to greet and include me. He was so popular, that being his kid sister offered me some measure of protection. He saw my worth, when I didn’t, and went out of his way to spend quality time with me, he was genuinely interested in who I was as a person, and would sit and listen to me for countless hours on the phone, sharing every thought in our heads. He was brutally honest, wether I wanted to hear it or not, and so I believed him when he let me know that he saw me... and that He was glad I existed.

He understood me, better than any other boyfriend I’ve had. My deep pain and alienation, he secretly always felt that way too. As an Aries, he is my opposite sign, but no other sign understands the deep loneliness Libra’s feel like Aries does. It’s an unspoken, deep rooted commonality between them, different as they are in all other areas. In fact that was what endeared us to one another I think. We shared the same pain, and it created a kinship.

He could see and feel my pain, and often we were able to comfort each other without having to say anything. The romantic connection was a tragic one, because of his illness it was very “Edward Scissorhands”, we could never really be together. He was always pushing me away, and he had so many others girls in his web it made me feel inadequate and insecure. Truthfully, I chose to devalue myself and let his rejection crush my self esteem over time. but the truth is, he inspired me so much as an artist. He encouraged me to go out and create. He is so talented at so many things, with so many gifts, and truly... he has a good heart.

Even when things were bad between us, he never raised his voice to me, never called me a name, always spoke to me with respect and kindness. Never once hung up on me, he is far too noble to ever do that to anyone. I often kept him on the phone for ages because I knew he would never hang up. He has strong morals and principles, and he lives rigidly by them. We both have strong characters, with high morals and expectations of others, so we were always disappointed in people. My love went unrequited it seemed, as he outright refused to commit to me, but I do know that He really cared about and respected me. Whenever he got a girlfriend who was jealous of our connection, he would always put them in their place and say: “she’s my friend. She’s very important to me, and she’s not going anywhere, so you will just have to deal with that if you want to be with me.”

He never abandoned me when I needed him. He dropped everything to come and be with me at two in the morning on more than one occasion. The romance may not have gone well, but he was always a good and loyal friend. When I went through my abortion, the Capricorn I was dating at the time took off to party while I was home crying and clutching my belly in agony, but the other person called, and was there for me. “Megan, where is your boyfriend during all of this?”

“I dunno. Out with his friends,”

“Then you need to leave him. No man will not stick by his woman through this.”

I began to cry softly at these words. Feeling at that time, so alone and unloved. His voice grew soft with sorrow as he said: “i’m sorry Megan, you always deserved better than anyone was able to give you.”

I think the feelings were mutual once. We grew very close when he was away at film school on the east coast, and I was still a junior in high school. He always had excuses for why he didn’t want to be with me, because there was clearly intense physical attractions those days, but his true feelings betrayed him. When I went to visit him at his apartment in Pennsylvania... he had photos of me...all over his house. In every room almost, (more than any other girl friend of his). I remember being in shock. In those days, I loathed relationships, the idea of getting married. I had no desire to want to have children or what have you. Granted I was only 13-14, but as soon as I met him, I saw myself wanting to be his wife. I just got him, and he got me, but his infidelity with other girls was always what crushed me. That was where the seed of taking drugs was planted, in the wake of not feeling good enough for this person I was so in love with. It was my choice, no one else is responsible for my actions, but these events influenced my choices for sure. He was very popular with women, and had a ton of female friends he very obviously had flirtations/relationships with. Some people are just not meant to commit to monogamy I guess, I often wondered if he was one of those.

But as we got older, and the romance dwindled away. The only way I got over him, after six years of pining and crying myself to sleep every night... was falling in love with the narcissist. Soon as they painted the picture of the ideal partner, I let go of the unrequited relationship I had prior. He noticed too, and soon as I was gone, I think he realized what he lost. Though... it was always complicated. When I wanted to give my life up to be with him, he couldn’t go through with it, and before anything could really happen, he ran away into the bathroom, locking himself in to cry where I couldn’t see him. He said to me: “I can’t do it. I can’t ruin your life.”

He used to look at me sadly sometimes. I could see this longing in him for connection. He would brush my hair out of my face, and have this moment of silence where he would look at me very intently.

It was a toxic connection to be sure. We were both suicidally depressed teens, wallowing together, but he really did know me. I think he knows me better than anyone, even Jeanne. He trusted me, and I trusted him. He never hid the other girls from me, and he was always very clear with me about us not being together, at least at first. He thought I was too young. He was a senior when I was a freshmen, and he kept me at bay because it made him feel uncomfortable, but once I was older, I got caught in a love triangle with him and a Pisces girl. I knew she was all talk and wouldn’t last, and she didn’t. I know he loved her though, and she fucked him over, just like I knew she would. He still chose her over me, and that was the first time I tried to kill myself.

Again, I realize now, how incredibly toxic and unhealthy I was myself... I wish I had been strong enough to take it in stride, but I had no skills or coping mechanisms for pain back then. All I had was substance abuse. I do remember, I never took drugs, not until he rejected me, that was the turning point where this whole nightmare began. Well, actually it Began with my father and was reinforced by that.

My point is, he vaguely brought up how much damage he realized he did to people. I know he always felt guilty about me. His care for me was deep, and genuine, though never the same as mine. He saw me as a sister, but later when I was older her saw me differently for a moment, then I realized our connection was familial, like he was an older brother. Maybe we were meant to love each other in that way, not romantically. So I let it go, and after many talks, we cleared the air and were able to be friends. He was very considerate of my feelings though. He never spoke about girls he was involved with, he knew that would crush me, and only after years of friendship, when my feelings subsided, were we able to talk freely about people we were dating with no hurt feelings. It was liberating to reach that place with someone. To go from being madly in love, to being like family.

He was there through it all. My miscarriages, my abortion, the sociopath, the abuse, allmy different houses etc. after a while I became like his mom, nagging him to go to his dr. Appointments and to eat a carrot once in a while. He would always roll his eyes and say: “yeah yeah”. Our dynamic was playfully argumentative, like one of those witty screwball comedies in the 1930s. He was a riot, boy he could make me laugh.

We talked everyday for ten years, and then something changed. I barely survived the connection with the sociopath, and he got out of a bad situation too, but I fell in love again, with another Scorpio, who was 7 years older... someone who actually wanted to commit to me, to get married and start a life... I hardly knew how to take it, I had always been “the other woman” before... no one ever wanted to commit fully to me before. I was so starved for love and attention of this kind, that I would do anything to keep it. This new person... I may have tested their boundaries with my substance abuse, but I knew his infidelity issues were REALLY deep, and he felt threatened by my friend, and do I cut him out to save my relationship.

I felt guilty about it the whole time. This other person had always been there for me no matter what, and may not have been a good lover, but was a true, blue friend, and I abandoned him. He felt very hurt and betrayed obviously. For he had stood up to other girls for me, and I did not do the same for him. I just wanted my relationship to work so bad, I thought it would be worth the sacrifice.

Rhstvrelstionship was very volatile, and it was really good in some ways, and really bad in others. As our relationship wore on. I felt guilty for leaving this person behind me, and I finally worked up the courage to tell my partner, and ask if I could reach out and apologize and try to rebuild my friendship. That was the beginning of the end I think. He was on his way out anyway. I did reach out to my friend, and he was really hurt and unwilling to patch things up. We talked it out, and he said he would try, but he felt really unsure about it. He felt I abandoned him, when he needed a friend most. He had some serious shit going on at the time, but we were in one of our many dumb fights, and he never reaches out, so I just stopped.

It doesn’t matter. We patched things up, he had this new girlfriend who was clearly jealous of me. She went out of her way to be cruel. He must have thought she was his last chance, but he only half liked her on the first place. She was awful to me on this road trip from hell with the three of us... long story short, we got in a huge fight because I refused to be around her ever again, and he felt I was being completely unreasonable. I felt betrayed, like I got my karma back for ditching him before. We fell out the last few years, and I was spiraling out of control after my longest relationship ended.

He called me about a year ago, apologizing for how he acted. Saying he was wrong. I never thought he would apologize, I was stunned. In the past, even if he was wrong, I always came back and made up. This time I held out, and he unfollowed me on FB, said he couldn’t rely on me, that I wasn’t a good friend. Now he was admitting he was wrong, and I knew I forgave him a long time ago. He told me he lost some loved ones, and was in therapy, yet was very cryptic, and stopped responding to my messages after that initial conversation.

Then to get this call yesterday, after all we have been through...there are so many layers, and chapters to the story, I could write a book...someday, I just miss him. I miss being able to call him whenever. I miss the way he would always give me shit, all the play arguments. I miss making him laugh, or seeingvthat smirk on his face when he pulled a prank. He is very like Fred and George Weasley from Harry Potter (personality wise). He’s like Oscar the grouch popping out of his trash can to add his two cents.

I sincerely miss our friendship, and I hope he gives us the opportunity to reconnect, especially if the days are numbered.

[dearmyblank]

Dear M

So…I guess in the end I was right, you eventually got tired of me just like everyone else and I don’t blame you. I’ve never really had very strong social skills and my self esteem made me seem not interested or just splain mean and I never meant for you to take those things that way but one thing is for sure, you and I were both troubled and you didn’t want me to get better because if I got better even if you didn’t have any ill intentions, I wouldn’t be the docile and just dependant girl you wanted by your side.

That’s why after a while in therapy and getting my self up from the ground you said I had changed, and now everyone around you saw me as a villain, when you omitted the parts that showed your mistakes, just telling mine to the world and making our mutual friends hate  me and treat me so bad because they didn’t know the whole story. And I guess it’s okay, because if they chose to believ eyou then I don’t need those people in my life, if course I’d love to clear my name and fix any missunderstandings but why? We’re all adults now so…

But I know one thing for sure, you deserve all the love you can get and even more, because youv'e been through so many unfair things but you also deserve getting help even if you don’t want to take it and see it as a form of weakness even when you  know that you are not well…

I love you and I don’t regret giving you my everyhting, because I’m not trying to get even, and, at leas to me,  all the bad things that we’ve been trough don’t matter, I choose to remember the good times and I know that in your story I’m the bad guy…it’s okay in the end and when time goes by, you’ll realise that it’s not just black or white, a truth or a lie, something bad or something good.

I hope you find someone that treats you how you want people to treat ou and that you understand that person, that you choose to work with that person and fix things just remember.

You don’t destroy what you claim to love 

[peachyteabuck]

the fifth date

summary: the story of how you met your alpha

pairing: alpha!bucky x omega!reader. non-avenger!au

words:  1870

trigger warnings: some mentions of a divorce, shitty childhood/boyfriend, etc. they watch ahs and there’s some mention of murder bc of it but it’s not super descriptive, mentions of some nsfw stuff

ask box / masterlist / commission info / ko-fi

The minute Bucky met you on your first date, he knew you were the one. It was a blind one, set up by your mutual friend.

Bucky thought he was just an excuse to get him out of the house, but no. It ended being the best thing that ever happened him.

The way you laughed, the way you bit your lip, the way you asked him about his day, the way you crinkled your eyes when you smiled. You were perfect, still are. The perfect mate, the perfect life partner, the perfect lover.

The next day, he started nesting in preparation.

“Stevie, I swear. I know she’s the one!” he told his best friend while buying almost a truckload of blankets and pillows at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

“Whatever you say, Buck” Steve told him as he struggled to close the trunk of the car.

When they reached his apartment and piled all the plastic-covered bedding in the living room, he shooed Steve out. He’s an alpha, this is his job and his alone.

When he mother told him about the process of courting his father, he knew it was something special. The process of nesting, the buying and making and killing of gifts, the scenting the first time they mated. It’s such a beautiful, sacred ritual, Bucky knew he had to do it perfectly for you.

“Whoever you choose,” She told him. “Know that it isn’t just about making you feel good, it’s about building a strong foundation to a lifelong commitment.”

Bucky always listened to his mother, but this he held especially near to his heart.

On your second date, Bucky brought you cupcakes from your favorite bakery. You ate them together on your couch and introduced Bucky to your favorite TV shows.

You had a really hard day at work, and when you tried to cancel the fancy dinner date Bucky had planned for you, he refused.

If you wanted to sit a home in fuzzy socks, leggings, and a comfortable sweatshirt, then that’s what you were gonna do. The only condition is that you had to do it with Bucky.

“I feel like this is a shitty second date,” you told him while liking some stray frosting off of your finger.Your legs were draped over his, your back supported by a few pillows. All Bucky wanted to do was lay there, inhaling your scent. But you needed something to keep your mind off of one of the worst days of your career, and reruns of Dr. Phil sure as hell weren’t gonna do it.

“Nonsense,” he said, wiping a smudge of cupcake from the side of your mouth. Heat rushed to your face at the intimate contact. “This is the perfect second date.”

You laughed a little, eyes glued to the screen across the room. “And why is that?”

Bucky smiled down at you, using his metal hand to turn your face to him. He knew what you were doing, trying to avoid eye contact because you were scared of...well, actually, you weren’t sure what you were scared of. All you knew was that you were absolutely petrified. “Because I get to spend time with you.”

All you could do hide the warm feeling in your face, you and him laughing at the woman who had hidden not one, but two pregnancies from her overbearing in-laws. You fell asleep soon after, with you head on Bucky’s lap. He readjusted you so that you were on top of him, and rubbed your back while you slept off the day.

On your third date, Bucky basically asks you to mate with him. Kind of. Maybe.

“Do you wanna come back to my place?” he asked on your way home from dancing. That’s when you realized you had never seen it. Ever. You’d heard stories, heard him talk about his home. His large bachelor bad which he kept impeccably decorated for work. You were dying to see it, but you worried it was too early. He fell asleep at your apartment three days ago, why did you care so much about traditional timing.

“Mmm,” you say, genuinely thinking it over. “Depends on what you want to do after.”

He grabbed your hips, pulling your close to him on the street corner. It was surprising, but not unwelcome. The night air nipped at your sweaty, exposed skin and made you shiver. You leaned into him, watching the traffic go by.

“Anything you want, darling” he whispered into your ear. This, too, sent goosebumps all over your body.

You pushed him away. Lightly, playfully. A shove to let him know he needed to wait a little longer. Not a “never,” but a “not yet.”

Instead, you find some fast food place and eat your weight in french fries while you fight about the best tropical fruit. Bucky had argued pineapple, you chose mango.

At first is was friendly competition, but then it got heated. Now you were playing to win.

“I’ll kiss you if you agree with me,” You offered, munching in the last fry.

“Deal,” Bucky said, leaning over the couch for his smooch. It was your first kiss, but it felt like you had known his lips forever. It was beautifully and wonderfully cliche.

The day of your fourth date, you fell ill with a nasty cold. Your throat felt like a broken garbage disposal, your nose was running, your stomach hurt. You felt like the word “ugh.”

First you called out of work. Then you texted Bucky in an effort to cancel your date.

But, yet again, he wouldn’t let you. He texted back he’d be at your place with the perfect care package and that he was determined to take care of you.

You texted back he was being dramatic - it’s a cold, not pneumonia - and fell back asleep.

He showed up less than an hour later, knocking on your door with soup, Gatorade, ginger ale, and every season of American Horror Story.

Three pieces of toast and half the soup later, you’re cuddled under a thin blanket - the same one as last time, soaking up his warmth and comforting smell.

Occasionally, you’d use the cold of his metal arm to cool your forehead down. You weren’t running a big fever, you maybe were at 99 degrees, but it still felt really good.

“This is nice,” you murmured.

“Yeah.” he agreed, noticing your sleepiness. He turned the show down just as someone was being gutted, wanting to make sure you were able to get the rest you needed. You were cuddled in his chest, surrounded by him.

You felt safe with him wrapped around you, just like a good alpha should make you feel. After a short nap and two more characters brutally murdered, you start having deep conversations.

It started with him asking you met Steve and how you trusted him enough to set you up with his greasy, but adorable, best friend.

Bucky talked about how he lost his arm, how his prosthetic is one of kind. How he’s a lab rat, how it was the the only thing that got him out of losing his arm.

You talk about your childhood and how shitty it was. How you ended up with a shitty boyfriend in college who made you feel like shit all of time before you got up the courage to leave him two years after he asked you out.

“My old boyfriend never did this type of stuff with me.” you admitted. “He only liked to do stuff when he knew people he knew would be around. It’s like he needed someone else to get him through our dates.”

“Sounds like a real dick,” Bucky said. He traced the indents the blankets on your skin. He could stay right here forever, never moving again.

“Yeah,” you agreed. “He was. Almost made me swear off alphas forever.”

Bucky smiles, wide and toothy. “Glad you didn’t.”

“Yeah,” you joke. “Or else I wouldn’t have met the total hunk I’m cheating on you with…”

Bucky laughs, him lighting pushing you away in faux-disgust. “How could you!? Is it Steve, tell me it’s not Steve!”

It’s your turn to laugh, the deep cackles soon turning into coughs. You recover quickly, though, smile plastered on your face. This one’s a keeper.

You have your fifth date a few weeks after you feel better, both of your crazy work schedules preventing you from seeing each other sooner.

He takes you to an aquarium, and you both watch the sea turtles gliding through the water. It’s so beautiful, you’re both breathless from wonder.

After, he takes you to home. To his home, you mean. Or apartment. It doesn’t matter. It’s his.

He offers you a drink, which you gladly take. While he makes it, you take a look around. You admire the art, the beautiful decorating, the gorgeous marble countertops.

He gives you a tour, showing you around the kitchen, then the living room, then his office, then he bedroom.

The minute you step into it, you almost start crying. The large bed, the thick blankets, the distinct scent, the displaced furniture showing he had shoved his bed into the corner farthest from the door. All the signs were there.

“You started nesting,” you whisper, wiping tears from your eyes. The space is filled with Bucky, and it instantly makes you feel at peace, just like a good mate should. You feel so calm and happy and...is this what if feels like? To be in love? If so, you never want to let Bucky out of your sight. Ever.

“Yeah,” Bucky comes behind you, holding your back to his chest. “Knew we were gonna be mates the moment I first saw you, the night of our first date. Knew I wanted to be with you forever, and ever. Wanted to mark you. Wanted to be yours. Wanted to knot you real good. Wanted to make sure not a single shitty alpha ever touched you again.”

His brings his arms around you waist, talking lowly into your ear. “Then I heard about your awful boyfriend. About your parents bitter divorce. The custody battle. Knew you needed some lovin’, needed someone to show you how beautiful you are.”

He’s releasing calming pheromones, you can tell. It runs through you, sticks in your blood. The last few weeks have been hard, on both of you. This, whatever this is, is exactly what you need.

The pheromones release your tense muscles and give you a moment to forget the shittiness of everything.

He kisses your neck and you whimper. You got to grip his hips behind you and he rubs between your thighs.

“Eager, are we?” Bucky asks, his baritone voice sends shockwaves through your spine. It’s amazing, like a drug.

“Yes,” you moan. Your skin is on fire and it feels so fucking good.

He sets you down on the bed, pulling your clothes off. Your body is flush against the pillows and you feel so exposed. Normally, you’d be uncomfortable, but you trust Bucky. Trust him a lot. Trust him with everything.

“Then let’s get started, my beautiful little omega.”

You moan again. “Let’s, wonderful alpha. Let’s.”

[mypokemonpride]

Today, on the start of Pride Month, I have come to realize something very important that I feel everyone can learn from like I did (IMPORTANT READ)

I LET YOU GO

An analysis of life through a mega lesbian’s eyes 

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So, a while back, I went through a break up that I really did not see coming but somewhere deep down I knew that it was what I wanted, but was too afraid to do and that knowledge deep inside me manifested into confusing stress and denial, anxiety, and emotional pain. Things kept happening and happening and I’d find myself up at night (on the worse freshman dorm bed ever btw) wondering what’s gonna happen next. Needless to say, when it happened, I was destroyed, heart shattered and it felt like I lost all the shards and couldn’t even try to piece it back together. But, anyways, that is not the focus of my little story here. (Random snipets of things ive learned) 

 I realized that I have a whole life ahead of me, so many things I want to do and see, I will meet so many people, and I only have this one life. I could be here mulling over a break up every now and then or I could go out and discover new things about myself, try out a new hairstyle (CAN’T WAIT OMG PRAY IT WORKS LOL), eat new foods, exercise more(i love exercise) see new places, find new hobbies, meet new people, live and laugh. 

You can accept that someone was toxic for you, but not hate them. Hate is such a wicked emotion, you think you use it to direct emotional revenge at someone, but, in reality it only backfires on yourself, it is not a good emotion for the giver or the receiver. I found that loving others, remembering the good in people and in the world, and most importantly, taking steps to remember how to love yourself, makes everything in your life brighter and more fulfilling. Of course, hate or dislike is not immediately invalid and wrong either, in some cases, it is completely warranted. But, never let the emotion consume you, because then it will try to destroy you. 

For me, I chose not to hate her. Honestly, I have no idea how she feels about me, she could be steaming, making me out to be some super horrible girl to others, she could be sad and longing, she could be fine, happy, or a mixture of this and things unsaid, or none of them. However, this is the part  that I really learnt. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THEY THINK/FEEL ABOUT YOU NOW, the only thing that matters now (and always has) is HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOU. Because you can always find a 100% ensured long term, committed and loving relationship only within yourself and no one else. 

I believe that choosing not to hate her was the greatest development in my emotional health and character development post-breakup. I had all the reasons to hate her should I have chosen to, I mean she did confess to me that she only dated me because I was the only lesbian she knew, that she never liked me, and said I made her question her sexuality to make me feel like such a horrible person and lesbian among other post breakup aggression in front of my friends and when alone....BUT, I am choosing to LET IT GO. It is not exactly easy knowing that your first love was just using you, for anyone regardless of sexuality. I would never wish that knowledge on anyone, nor would I wish for anyone to feel like its OKAY to do that to someone else because it’s not, its really not. What good does it really do, to hate, to let someone have emotional power over you when that person isn’t even in your life anymore? 

I want to make it clear, however, that feeling is not bad. You need to feel what you’re feeling in order to move on and forward. So, at the start, have fits of utter disgust and hate, feel that deep rooted betrayal, feel the loneliness of loss, let the tears fall like the greatest waterfall, let denial cloud a night or two to make sleeping easier, LAUGH SO HARD YOU SCARE THE DEVIL, don’t feel guilty for feeling happy, for looking at someone else, for loving yourself, accepting yourself and the situation. Peace of mind is yours to keep, fear is something we all lose. Realize that nothing is ever a one person cause, recognize your faults, get better and learn from the bad to make something good, but don’t pretend that theirs didn’t exist, never blame yourself. let it be known that things happen, people drift apart, the system that you thought was working and operating fine had a major and mutually created, mutually discovered malfunction inside, and the only way to fix it was to ship it away and find a better one. But, it doesn’t mean the first one was completely horrible, it just simply wasn’t meant to work for you. But, it will work perfectly fine for someone else, just as there is a system that will work for you. And, aren’t we all happy to have something that works? Why would we want to keep something that isn’t working, it can’t turn on, can’t go anywhere? 

I am letting go, but I know I still need time, I know I will have seconds, minutes, maybe even a day of fleeting thoughts of anguish, of hate, of desire and of many other things still, it is not something that goes away just like that, and that is okay. It is a wound, but, over time, every wound scars over and begins to heal. However, some scars will never completely fade. And even if they do on the skin, the memory of it never leaves your brain. It is still a battle for me trying not to hate myself, to not let her words or actions determine my worth in this world. Because, I know I am a good person, and I loved her with all my heart, and I cannot forget that, but it does not mean I will condone or even pardon those things she said and did just because I chose not to hate her for it. Yes. I have a scar. It will not fade from memory even as it begins to fade from the surface. But, it certainly stops hurting, and let me tell you, there are many real scars I’ve had throughout life all over me and inside me that I’ve stopped caring to think about. They may be there,but, they do not hurt me anymore, but sometimes, I happen to come across them and I’ll remember fleetingly, oh yeah that wound right there had really hurt and then move on. Life is a lot like that too. 

When it is time for me to date again, it will be when all the pieces of my heart are put back together. I am still working on some pieces, but it will be finished in time, brand new and better. And should it happen again, well, with these hands I will pick the pieces up and rebuild it again, and again, and again, until I find a design that works perfectly with me. 

To my future girlfriend, I will love you with all of my heart, I will be the best version of nia i can be for myself and for you. But, right now is not the time. But, the time will come, and when it does, I will be so happy to hold you in my arms and welcome you into my life. 

To my ex-girlfriend, my first love, I will not forget you, I do not know if we will ever speak again or see each other, but, if by some chance we do, I will say hello and smile, I do not hate you, I have let go of what has happened between us, of both of our contributions to the breakup, and I have let go of you, but I do not pardon and forgive your words that spoke of manipulation and your actions, but, I have let it go. And I honestly wish you the best in life, wherever that takes you, with whoever, but for yourself above all else. As I wish for the same with my life. If there is one advice I wish you could hear or see, I would say, please, whoever you date next, please actually like them this time and want to date them for them not to simply date.That will make me happy, the person you date happy, and make yourself happy too.  Because people are humans; humans do not deserve to be treated like that, trust me, knowing what I know now is the worse feeling. I’ve let go of the fact that you’ve done this to me, but I won’t be able to let go of it if you do it to another person. 

To everyone who read and to those who won’t or stopped midway, i wish you all well and happiness. Remember life is so short, live it the way you want. The universe has a funny and slightly cruel way of making things work for the better in the long run. 

So, in closing, I’d like to say this: (this is not a poem, but an anthem.)

 ..... 

I say it out loud 

I let you go

I say it loud in these letters

I let you go

I say it loud in my mind 

I let you go

I say it loud to nothing 

I let you go

I say it loud to everything

I let you go

I say it loud to Past 

I 

Present

let

Future 

you

And gently, I whisper it to my mending heart 

Go. 

[stefano-and-obscura]

This is NOT Okay: Bullying someone over fanfiction and over what their friends said.

Unfortunately it has come to my attention that a mutual of mine was being harassed both on here and on AO3 because of her Stefano Valentini Randomness Stories, and this sad, pathetic waste of space below tried to JUSTIFY it. What they put is absolutely sickening. [I wound up using strong language in my responses, so I am sorry you have to read those words.]

More under the cut because this is getting long

Look, my friend didn't tell me she was called "basement dweller," and I don't care who did it. That person's ass is grass whether you like it or not. She didn't complain to me about it. I found it myself and acted

If your friend didn't tell you, that meant you actually read it and you saw who REALLY called her a basement dweller, which makes it all the more fucking pathetic you're harassing someone JUST because of what a fan of theirs told your friend!! Where's the justification for THAT?? You just wanted an excuse to hate on someone who wrote what you didn't like, and instead of being the LOGICAL person and confronting the one who insulted your friend you went after the person who had nothing to do with it.

Your friend brought that on herself; she commented something rude, someone else defended the author, and your idiotic little rat brain decides to go after the author???????

That's like me going after YOUR FRIEND because of YOUR BEHAVIOR.  I feel so, so sorry that your friend has to put up with a fucking overly goddamn worthless piece of shit like you who thinks its okay to bully others because "MAH FWENDS!" How fucking old are you???????

I'm gonna get this straight once and for all: we did NOT tell her to delete her story. We did not just choose to target her because she was who she was. We just found a crappy story and left our comments.We are just as entitled to our opinions. 

From the comments I saw when she linked me I saw you fucking assholes DID tell her to delete her story!! You're just fucking lucky she deleted the whole damn thing because she didn't want to deal with drama anymore, but you are lying through your teeth. You CHOSE to target her because "lolz shitteh storie!" which itself is an EXTREMELY shitty reason to harass someone in the first place and tell therm to delete something they're working on.  You're a sick fuck, you all are, because if you think its justifiable to harass people based on how badly their story is written you don't deserve the privilege of being online at all.

You can leave your shitty opinion WITHOUT harassing the author, doncha know?? There's CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (which nobody there used) that your dumb fucking asses could have used instead of "THIS SUCKS DELETE YOUR STORY DELETE IT NOW" like a bunch of enraged toddlers who are pissy that they can't get what they want.

Instead of ignoring us and deleting them, she turned it into drama. So, immediately, by that alone, that in turn caused her white knights to do what they have been doing.

This just in: Apparently people CANNOT offer their own reason for doing the way it does without "turning it into drama".  You bastards were the ones who turned it into drama by harassing her still, people defending themselves against hateful comments (aka "DELETE YOUR SHITTY STORY") is NOT causing drama. You got pissy because she told you off and gave her reason, so you decided to bully her all because "wahh my fee fees hurt!"

And yes, she could use a little bit of real world. Everyone gets depressed, everyone gets anxious. She's not special. Everyone gets a little fragile here and there,

You're one of the stupidest motherfuckers to ever stupid.

Because of her fragile mental health due to her condition, the poor girl deals with enough ‘real world’ shit at home. There’s a reason that people come online, to escape that, and sorry, bullying is not ‘real world’. It is something that happens in the real world, but its not normal and should never be okay to do at all, not even online. (Where it can get worse than real world bullying because smug rat bastards like yourself think you can hide behind a wall of anonymity until someone dies from it, in which case you’re held responsible)

You have NO understanding of mental illnesses! There's a difference between "I'm feeling sad! I'm feeling nervious!" AND A DEBILITATING MENTAL ILLNESS THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO BE ON MEDICATION FOR.

One of your friends being "sad" is NOT the same as someone struggling with depression! One of your friends feeling nervous sometimes is NOT the same as someone dealing with near-crippling anxiety!

Nobody takes medicine for being just sad and just nervous, and everyone gets a little fragile here and there??????? There's a big fucking difference from being at a low point AND HAVING YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS AFFECT YOU SO BADLY THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, AND THERE'S A REASON WHY MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE ARE STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESSES.

With you and your friends' fucking harassment YOU COULD HAVE BULLIED THIS GIRL TO SELF HARM and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if you already did, ALL OVER A STORY YOU HATED AND SOMEONE ELSE'S COMMENT.

How many people have you done this to? How many people did you indirectly kill because you bullied them to self harm and suicide?

and no. Saying a bad story is bad is not bullying. It is not. You're just calling it bullying because she said it was. You're just functioning on her vocabulary.

HMMMMM apparently telling someone to delete their story over and over, spamming her and leaving other hateful shit isn't bullying?? You're fucking delusional.  You outright admitted to it that she had to get hurt.  You planned this, you and the rest of the sick fucks in your pack decided to BULLY her over something so incredibly stupid.

And you know what? All of my friends have medically diagnosed problems too, not just "depression" and "anxiety."

And you know what?????? Everyone experiences mental illnesses differently, some worse than others! And goody goody, your friend has BPD?? So does my mother, who, because of her BPD, has physically and emotionally hurt me, other people and herself, and she attempted SUICIDE because it got that bad!

Meanwhile judging from YOUR attitude and lack of understanding (or plain ignorance) towards mental illness, either your friend has VERY mild, manageable BPD or your friend doesn't have BPD at all! None of your friends do, or if they DO, they either have it under control or they know what kind of shitty bitch you are and keep it hidden from you because they know you'll treat them like absolute trash otherwise.

YOUR ACTIONS have only worsened the girl's mental state, and you don't  care at all because "Ha ha my friends handle it better/don't have anything so YOU should be able to do the same by my neurotypical standards uwu"

I'm not a white knight. I'm her best friend.

You may be her "friend" (Which I doubt because unless you're hiding that side from her, ,who wants to be friends with something like you?) but you still white-knighted by jumping in where your ass didn't belong. Not only that but you went after the WRONG PERSON, IF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT BECAUSE OF THE BASEMENT DWELLER INSULT!!

Judging from the fact you KNEW it wasn't her who called your friend a basement dweller (which is a stupid fucking thing to get offended over unless you're 12)  You didn't attack her for the basement dweller thing at all, did you??

You saw an opportunity to attack her because of her shitty story (as if you didn't already do the whole "DELETE YOUR STORY IT SUCKS" bit) and find a way to justify it.

It was never about the basement dweller thing, as far as I see. If it really was why did you bother attacking her some more instead of going after the person who made the comment?????? You said so yourself, your friend didn't tell you, you saw it!

And no, if she can't just delete comments and not cry over them for hours, I'm sorry. She has no business writing fanfiction. I repeat, she has NO BUSINESS writing fanfiction.

I'm sorry but if you can't dislike someone's story without harassing them and bullying them for hours, I'm sorry, you have no business being online. I REPEAT, you have NO BUSINESS BEING ONLINE.

Yeah, her writing isn't exactly my favorite either, but guess what?? She can improve at writing!! You? You'll always be a sad, unwanted worthless shitty waste of egg and sperm.

I am not bullying the girl.

And I’m totally not typing this sentence online and posting it to a website called tumblr! 

I am criticizing her writing and her method of grabbing fans by lying to them, pandering to them, and forcing them to bend to her every will.

“This sucks delete your story!” isn’t criticizing, dumbass. 

Grabbing fans by lying to them and pandering them, and forcing them to bend to her will? I call bullshit on all of that! 

First let’s address the pandering accusation.  You have FANS, you write content the FANS WANT.  As a FANFIC AUTHOR, I mean that’s basically your job, its not pandering, its supply and demand. If that was true then everyone writing Stefano Valentini fanfic because people like Stefano are now fan panderers!

Also, how the fuck does she lie to them?????? I don’t fucking see it!! 

-She actually does write these in second person, signifying the READER is the one in it. (I dislike those stories a lot for obvious reasons, is that your beef with it too?)

-Its not in chronological order either

She’s not lying to them, and HOW is she fan-pandering if there ISN’T any fan pandering????? All I see is stuff SHE wants to write, and lemme guess its only “fan pandering” because of second person perspective?? That’s bullshit. 

Manipulation? I’ll believe it when I see it, bitch.

She is manipulative and dangerous. I would even advise you to stay away from her because you're giving in to her. That is all I'm gonna say.

“She is manipulative and dangerous, I would even advise you to stay away from her!” Cries the idiotic bully-bitch who’s been harassing the user over a STORY and claiming its for a “basement dweller” comment that she didn’t even write herself.  

Yeah, I’m TOTALLY gonna listen to a person who bullies others!! 

You’re the only manipulative and dangerous one here.  You said you didn’t care if she gets hurt, that she needs a bit of ‘real world’.  People like you are the ones who cause people to commit suicide, or cause those people to turn into murderers because they lost the value for their own lives as well as others, because believe it or not, SpaceUndies, your actions DO have consequences!! 

I only know this because I've known people like this.

Are you seriously fucking 12? You're not the only one who's dealt with people like this!

I've had internet access since late 2012, you honestly don't fucking thing I've encountered a lot of dangerous, manipulative people???????  I'm really good at picking out manipulative people based on several behavioral patterns I've observed in the ones I met (and including a guardian of mine who's warped me so badly as a child that I still am suffering from her actions to this day) and I can tell you FLAT OUT that, as far as I am seeing right now in front of me, the only manipulative bastard is you.

You're unhealthily obsessed with harassing people and claiming "uM SOMEONE ELSE CALLED MY FRIEND A BASEMENT DWELLER" and white-knighting because "I'm sticking up for a friend!"

I've dealt with enough useless wastes of human DNA like yourself to know which ones need to be kept away from the internet and other people, and you're one of them.

Ignoring the fact that Basement Dweller isn't even a viable insult to any degree and is in no way harmful, I can only imagine how much you fly off the loop when something a tad more different happens.

You're dangerous and you need to have your psych evaluated. First it starts with hurting people online, then real life bullying, an then you'll be kidnapping and murdering people for minor infractions.

They would threaten themselves and their own lives just to get attention. She is doing the same.

That is where I got you, bitch.

She never threatened her own safety, at all.  I just mentioned that-because if your stupid little incompetent ass bothered to read, I said she COULD do that, because that's what people with fragile mental health DO!  They're more prone to self harm and suicide due to BULLYING which you said she needed some of.

Also, this goes to prove how much of an idiotic bastard you are. 

"Hurr durr if someone I don't like is having issues and does say about self harm THEY FAKIN'!"

Guess what? Your friend SUPPOSEDLY has BPD.  I bet that every time they get on the verge of self harm THEY'RE FAKING. Do you think the same too, or are they somehow magically the exception??

 I would say get out while you still can. But hey, if you just think I'm a bitch for defending my BPD friend, so be it. At least she can change and adapt to life. Like I said, I don't protect because they ask me to. I do it because I want to.

You're a bitch because you're BULLYING someone! Sorry tootsie-pop but bullying is not the same as defending, NOT TO MENTION you're "defending" her from the WRONG PERSON.  You fucking ADMITTED that you saw everything and YOU ADMITTED you didn't care who sent that message! You're not even bullying her for the basement dweller comment, you're just bullying this girl because you hated the story.

Also what does your BPD friend have to do with it?? She didn't even come to you about this which shows she wasn't upset! Her BPD HAD NO PART IN THIS, you're just using that as a "HA HA GOTCHA" card against someone with another mental condition.   Because of your SHITTINESS towards symptoms and conditions and claiming "EVERYONE gets like that sometimes!" I actually, truly, honestly do believe your friend DOESN'T have BPD at all, you're just lying through your teeth, because otherwise you would have known about the whole "Mental illness symptoms are FAR DIFFERENT from regular mood stuff!"

Your friend can adapt and change in life?? What a coinky-dink, so can the author!! I mean she has to in order to survive with her condition, but that doesn't mean she HAS to put that guard up 24/7, ESPECIALLY online where most real world bullshit shouldn't have to happen.

Your logic never lines up and it doesn't make sense. You KNEW she had fragile mental health but you kept pushing her to the FUCKING BRINK because you could, like any other evil bastard who just wants to watch people suffer.

You don't care for your friend at all, judging from the above, you're only using her as a pathetic excuse. You just wanted a reason to hurt someone over a little story you personally hated. You don't care about other peoples' mental health, you truly don't care if blood is spilled over it because "They deserved it because SOMEONE DIFFERENT called my friend a meanie word that little kids use :( "

You never experienced online bullying, but for this alone and the fact you knowingly bullied someone with fragile mental health because "she deserved it", I hope you experience it.   I honestly do hope that, for as long as you continue being online, you get some "real world" from other people no matter what you do and what you say. I want you to go through as much bullshit as you put this girl through, and when you go to other people about your issues, they laugh in your face and tell you the same thing you've said above.

[princess-of-purgatory-and-bass]

There’s something I gotta say (TW)

You don’t have to read this. Especially if you are triggered by posts covering abuse. This is a cathartic scream into the void for me, not me trying to hurt someone. That’s why I am putting a warning on this because I absolutely don’t want my venting to hurt you in any way.

The reason I am so passionate about abuse cases are because I was an abuser.

I frequently think of myself as a monster and say I’m going to Hell and never really explained why, so people newer to my life always tell me I’ve changed and I’m not the monster I once was, or even that I never was a monster. And in a way I can see how they are right. I have changed. I wanted to change and so I forced myself to change until I had gone from an abuser to someone who could help victims. 

It started with my friends. I would playfully “hit” them and taunt them. Then I would get angry and it would escalate. It was my way or the highway and anyone who disagreed with me would end up hit, grabbed to the point of bleeding from my nails, and many other things. No one could stop me. People were afraid of me. There are some people who stood by me then who stand by me now. They say I wasn’t a monster, that I was just trying to cope with my own mental illness and what my parents taught by example. These people are some of my closest friends, and I agree about the coping part, but this is where we will always disagree. No matter what I was going through, there is never a good reason to hurt other people, let alone the people that care about you and you call your friends.

Then I got into a relationship. He was obsessed with me, knew me since elementary school and was one of my best friends. I didn’t think I could find a better set up. We talked to each other every day, he would always call me beautiful and tell me I was smart, although looking back I now realize his compliments were also ways he would insult himself. I thought I was happy, but still felt a repressive cloud over me on top of that.

So I did what I did best back then. I lashed out and hit him. Screamed at him. Hurt him. And it was while I did this that I realized just what I was doing. I finally woke up and saw my own abusive behaviours for what they were. And I also realized he was already fragile before I had started dating him, and I couldn’t stand to imagine where I would drive him if I stayed with him. I knew I needed to change, not drag others down with me, so I tried to leave him.

The day I did, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. I was upset and angry with myself, but eventually I just couldn’t avoid him any more. He was blowing up my phone and finally I just snapped. I can’t even remember the exact words anymore, but I remember fighting with him as I tried to tell him I needed to get away from him, to stay away from him for both of our well beings, and he tried and tried and tried to keep us together. And then we just stopped talking to each other.

After I left him, I cut off all connections to the people I hurt and had hurt me. I told them if they really wanted to still have me, if they wanted me around and still believed in the way I wanted to change, and that they still cared about me, then they would have to know I wanted to start over and that I only wanted them to come back to me as friends if they truly believed I could get better. Only three people tried to keep tabs on me after that, two of which I still have by my side five years later, and one person talked things out with me after we both had time to cool off and think over who we wanted to be. I don’t see that one person very often any more, and we don’t really talk, but we still are on good terms and care for each other as friends. 

I did try relationships again almost a year later, but it didn’t work. I still needed time to change, so those would almost immediately end because I was scared I may go back to who I once was even though I never did.

Almost two years after I had left the guy I had left because I had woken up to what I was, we started dating again. And while I felt like I was happy, it still wasn’t working out. The happiness faded, he still saw me as the damaged girl I had been before rather than someone who had spent so much time fixing themselves and changing from the toxic person I was before, and I had to leave him again. I wasn’t happy, and staying with him was not making me happy since I had woken up to who I had been.

After that he went behind my back to my friends, telling them he would kill himself without me. Came to me and my friends saying he was useless without me and trying to manipulate me into coming back, and the person who had been my best friend once I now was trying to cut out of my life completely. 

Then I tried dating again, and actually finally had healthy relationships. Well, I had relationships anyway. One was where he was afraid to tell his family about me and tried to keep me a secret, then when we split his best friend started twisting the story and trying to get my friends to leave me for it. However, these were the friends that had known me since before the previous boyfriend, so they knew to come to me for the real story. It was the relationship after that, with a girl that for now I will just leave as K, that I was happy in and actually showed me what a healthy relationship could be like for me. Even if we disagreed, we still loved each other and cared for each other. This was also my longest relationship, although it ended peacefully a year and a half ago. It showed me happiness I needed to see, K and I, who I made posts about on here, just grew apart and found we were meant to go our own way.

A few months after that, I was feeling alone and was brought back in again by the guy I had originally been with. For those keeping score, this was the third time we tried. And the first couple days I thought I was happy. We were back to messaging every day and he was affectionate, something he knew I craved. But there still was that dark cloud over me when I was with him. He was still the same as when I left him the first time, hell even still the same as when I met him in elementary school if I’m being honest, but I was so different. He saw me as the same still, and I felt so restrained by it. And then I would hear the stories from his relationships he was in when he wasn’t with me, and how they always warned me of the same thing while he would just dismiss those and tell me all of his exes were crazy and that’s why he left. And I finally realized he was toxic for me as I had once been for him. I finally realized he was the one bringing me down, and I left him a third time after he had ditched me at a rather important event. And this time I never went back to him.

Months later, a mutual friend would tell me how he was still obsessed with me and still saying he cared for me. And this friend asked me why I wouldn’t give someone who had once been so important for me another chance. But I wasn’t ready to tell the full story yet, and I didn’t have the time to tell it either since she needed to be getting somewhere, so I only told her how I had changed and he was still the same person he had been eight years previous when I met him. I don’t think she really understood, and she soon stopped talking to me some months after that, but it was the truth

I’ve never been able to feel like I could explain this before, but yes I was once an abuser. I, a woman, was the abuser in a relationship but chose to grow out of it and become a new person who was healthier and happier. And this will probably be something that always haunts me, even now I’m a little scared of relationships because I fear relapse and becoming that monster again, but I can now say I know abusers can change if they really want to. This is what makes me so passionate about abuse cases, and this is what makes me reach out to help victims of abuse. I was an abuser, and seeing that once I actually woke up and decided to help myself, was able to be happy and become better, I have no sympathy for those who decide to just continue to hurt others than see themselves for what they are. 

I am passionate about abuse cases because I was once an abuser.