#ill post pics once i get the head fully done

[cuz-reasons]

I'm making a giant eelektross and the yarn I'm using likes to shed and now there's fluff everywhere

[stanharu]

beastars episode 21 thoughts!

legosi and louis have finally reunited!!!

i have a lotta gripes with this episode, but i think overall it was still a very good episode. this week's ep covered chapters 75, 76, 81, and a lil bit from ch69. i was very excited & happy to see legosi and louis finally interacting, and finally seeing some of my favorite legosi & louis moments animated & fully voiced was also great.

the ep opens with an anime original scene of louis and ibuki discussing stolen goods in their supply chain. its very brief and seems to just be setup for legosi and louis' reunion in the BAM later in the ep, so i'll come back to this later.

i liked seeing this lil smoky deer form in legosis head when monologuing about his smell lol. usually this only happened when legosi was tracking haru's scent so im glad they did it for louis too lol. ot3 real.

i really liked the scene of legosi's training. the intense fight paired with legosi's matter of fact tone while narrating was great lol i really love his voice.

the tao & kibi moment in the hospital was great omg ;-; i loved it. no complaints only emotions and tears.

now. the moment we've all been waiting for. the long awaited lougosi reunion. i have mixed feelings about it bc during my first watch i was very excited to see the boys finally interacting, but also in the back of my mind i was filled with dread while coming to the realization that the anime had changed how they meet again. i was kinda right about the anime quishing together ch66 along with ch75/76, but really they only pulled some lines from 66 and put them into this anime original scene in the warehouse :'^)

i dont think this scene is bad tho, i still really enjoyed watching it. but im still disappointed that it's different from the manga djflksjldf. at the very least i wouldve liked if the anime kept their brief interaction from ch66 and letting louis stew in his feelings of seeing legosi buying meat for a couple eps. very sad we were robbed of that.

i liked this lil moment where theyre just looking at e/o and thinking a million things. something i've always loved about this part (in both the manga & the anime) is how legosi got a fur cut so the shishigumi wouldn't recognize him but louis recognized him immediately lol. the music for this part was really great too. and seeing legosi's tail get all waggy was So Cute.

i will say tho that louis' lack of expressiveness in this season continues to be an issue. in the manga we get to see how hurt louis is to see legosi in the BAM and how he's almost embarrassed at legosi's visible happiness at seeing him again after everything. in the anime louis seems rather stone faced for most of this scene. he just looks either angry/annoyed or kinda neutral. his expressions are very subtle, like you can tell he's holding back a bit but we're not getting the same range as manga louis.

i think louis' expressiveness is a lil better in the next part when legosi is eating with the shishigumi and the balcony scene, but still not the same range as manga louis.

it was really funny to me about louis eats the steak and then just looks legosi dead in the eyes while he chews. like louis is challening legosi and legosi is just confused about why he's doing something so ridiculous. i've always wondered what legosi was thinking in this moment lmao.

as for the balcony scene... i fuckin loved it lmao. the voice acting was phenomenal. my lougosi brain was in OVERDRIVE

legosi literally said 🥺 while hugging louis i cant 😭

louis 🥺🥺🥺💕

also i really enjoyed this lil bit of legosi playing with the banner strings out of shyness. very cute.

i also really like how the anime did this part. i gasped and i knew it was coming lmao.

while i think the legosi & louis centric scenes were pretty well done overall, some people have pointed out that the anime doesn't let some of the really important moments from it linger long enough to hit with as much impact as they do in the manga, and i have to agree. i think it's another consequence of adding so much anime original stuff & shuffling many scenes around. like, i think the anime did well, but as a manga reader i know these scenes could have been even better.

the last thing ill say about this part is that when legosi launched himself over the banners i literally laughed out loud

this is the funniest clip ever lmao

i thought the last part of the ep was good, tho im a lil sad we didnt get legosi growling in the anime lol. once again im so in love with pina's voice acting ❤_❤

legosi's talk with pina about riz is supposed to set up the moth scene, which is when legosi's fur grows back, but based on the previews for the next ep, im not sure if we'll even be getting it, which worries me @0@ the preview pics that were posted all show moments that happen after legosi grows his fur back in the manga but it doesnt look like his fur has grown back yet in the anime.

this change is super weird to me, idk why the anime would push the moth scene or legosi's fur growth back so late in this arc. based on how things have been going im afraid the anime may have legosi grow is fur back in a different way, and cut the moth scene, which will be super disappointing for me bc i really love the moth scene. im still gonna hold out hope for it not being cut tho. crossing my fingers!!

[malisonquill]

Half-Raptor Rex (and Emmet)'s Biology

So to start things off, Rex is roughly half raptor. For the purposes of making things simpler, I'm gonna refer to him as being half and half, but that's probably not the case. He didn't set out to be a hybrid when he altered himself to be stronger, that was an accident, so he had no say over just how raptor-y he ended up. I would say when you take into account his looks and all his behaviour and stuff it does work out to being half human and raptor. But physically? He's definitely more human. After all, his body structure looks pretty human. He's still got a very human looking torso, head, and arms. It's just his extremities (his legs, hands, and addition of a tail) that are far more raptor looking. That's why when I draw him, those raptor-y parts fade to a darker shade of blue. So like, raptor parts = darker blue like how the raptors have, human parts = lighter blue similar in tone to what his normal human skin colour would be. (That's excluding his markings of course. They don't count in that and they're all over him.)

And whilst we're on the subject, let's first take a look at his outward appearance!

So the stripes. They start on his neck near the base of his skull, run all the way down his back/ spine, and down his tail. Then there's more stripes on his shoulders, that run down his bicep and the top of his forearm and hands, stopping at his knuckles. He's also got stripes that start at his hips and go down the sides of his thighs, all the way down to stop near his ankle/ where his trousers end. (Hmm… I should probably draw a ref for all that at some point 😏)

Then like I said before, all his extremities go to a darker blue at the ends. You can see this on most pics of him I've done.

Then of course there's his strength. He's very strong, very buff, and also very tall (I’d say he’s about 7’6” and you can see his height in comparison to Lucy in this pic). I don't constantly jokingly refer to him as "beefman" for nothing! xD Cuddlesome summed it up best in her fic: 

“Dumbbells and barbells had long since stopped being a challenge for his mutated body to handle, so he’d taken to power lifting with the Rex-wing fighters. It’s the only thing that poses even a bit of a challenge to his massive arms.”

Strength was the aspect he was going for and most hoping to improve when he changed himself, so of course he’s physically very strong. To workout, he either has to lift very heavy objects or maybe use some kind of sci-fi dumbbells that can have their gravity increased (like in that one episode of Futurama). People pose no challenge for him to lift. He could easily carry both Emmet and Lucy over his shoulders, or under his arms if he wanted to and be able to keep that up for a long time. (Here’s a doodle/ wip of him doing that. Rex is a tad too big in it tho.)

He mostly uses his physical Dino strength when it comes to him master breaking. He only uses the more mystical "destroy a temple in one punch" kind of thing in rare circumstances when he's incredibly mad. Because his dino strength is enough most of the time. 

But before I can talk more about physical stuff and behavioural traits, I first gotta talk about my headcanons for Rex’s/ the Lego Movie-verse raptors. 

Now real velociraptors were covered in feathers and about the size of a turkey, only coming up to about the average adult human’s knee. Obviously the Lego Movie raptors are a LOT BIGGER and much more based off the Jurassic Park interpretation. 

So I came up with the idea that the movie raptors are a subspecies that are a lot larger. It’s a fictional world after all, you can take liberties. Though despite me doing that, I have tried to include as much real science as I can. So for example, real raptors apparently went from hatched to fully grown in about a year. And as the movie raptors are 3/ 3 ½ times bigger than a normal raptor, I think they’d take 3-4 years to fully grow. They eat a lot in that time to grow big real quick.

As for noises they make, I think they make many different sounds. They can roar, screech, growl, chirp, hiss, all that stuff. 

And for their behaviour, they obviously act like dinosaurs. So they’d do a lot of lizardy/ snakey/ crocodile-like things. But the movie has them act like dogs too, what with how they go after tennis balls and all. And personally I’ve given them some cat like aspects too xD Like with their slitted eyes going wide in fear or at something they like. So their behaviour to me is kind of a melting pot of all that.

And so of course, how does that apply to half-raptor Rex?

Well let’s start with behaviour. He has a lot of raptor instincts, and they can overpower his rational thinking when his emotions get too intense. Which is why he has a fairly good handle on controlling his feelings. Using things like meditation techniques to calm himself down is very important when you can do a lot of damage when their left unchecked. Or conversely, if the situation calls for it, he can let himself go entirely to unleash maximum destruction. 

The most obvious example with his heightened emotions is anger. He gets angry, he’s gonna growl and snarl. He starts off with quiet growls when he’s only a little angry, and would react like a human would mostly. If he was fighting someone at this point, he’d be using normal things like punches and martial arts techniques. But the angrier he gets, the more he loses control and the more raptor-like he acts. So when he’s furious and out of control, he does a lot of roaring, growling, snarling and goes into raptor fighting mode. Claws and fangs and kicks with his feet are used. (Also apparently scientists think that raised claw raptors have was so it’d be constantly sharp. So… he could use that in a fight >:3).

But raptor behaviour taking over his rational human behaviour doesn’t just apply to anger. It applies to all of his emotions. Fear can make him go wide eyed and whine, or super happy makes him go into raptor puppy/kitty mode. Some days he’ll get in a sad mood and follow Lucy and/or Emmet around like a sad puppy. He mopes and whines if they leave him (for too long). He'll just want to sit near them if they want to do their own thing, or cuddle until he feels less mopey. 

Raptor instincts taking over like that could help as a kind of defensive thing. Tho probably annoys Rex more than anything xD Like you know, if he's just trying to be chill and normal, but then someone throws a tennis ball and he has to REALLY restrain himself xD

Now obviously being around pretty much just the raptors for years, he picks up a lot of their behaviours and is more prone to doing them unconsciously. He’s generally more aggressive, but that’s probably more his normal Rex anger being heightened by the raptor-ness. He’s defensive of his food, he’ll hiss or growl involuntarily a lot, swish his tail at things, his pupils will change, etc. 

The raptors probably taught him how to ‘properly hunt’ as well. Which thinking about it, the image of him running alongside a group of them as they teach him and chase something down is almost cute? But he himself is probably gonna only take down small things. Taking down a big animal with a group of raptors might be a bit too raptory for him to want to do. Tho he probably did it at least once to see what it was like. (Also on the note of hunting, because he’s so equipped to do it, eventually during his redemption, he becomes a bounty hunter, but more on that in another post…)

All these raptor like things that he does, he only becomes really aware of post movie, when he’s hanging around Emmet and Lucy. He realises just how much humanity he’s lost after spending time with them. It hurts. It makes him loathe what he’s done to himself even more. 

But those two will help him act more human again. They can pull him up on behaviours and help him, and he’s grateful for that. Any little thing to make him feel ‘normal’ makes him feel better.

Now about some more physical stuff. 

When he’s standing still, he’ll let the end of his tail rest on the floor. Unless the floor is super dirty, then he might lift it up or curl it around a leg to keep it elevated. When he’s walking he’ll lean his torso forward slightly and lift his tail up. When he’s running at full tilt, his tail is out straight behind him and he leans forward a lot. (Almost like Naruto running xD but his arms are forward.)

Diet wise, he needs more meat than a human. He’s still an omnivore, but with a lean towards the carnivorous side. So he does need a balance of foods. And he can’t last on a meat free diet. If he tried to be totally vegetarian (not that he would xD) he would get sick or malnourished in only a few weeks. He can’t live on just veggies. And conversely, he can eat raw meat, more so than a human could, but if he tried to eat nothing but raw meat in his meals, he’d make himself ill with food poisoning after a week or two. Also to keep up his muscle mass, and also just because he’s a very big guy, he needs to eat big meals. Lots of protein, that kind of thing. 

So on that note of food, he’s got a lot of fangs to deal with eating meat, and if he was hunting prey, and that’s mostly at the front, but he does still have some flatter molars at the back of his mouth. Also he can open his mouth quite wide and has very strong jaw muscles for clamping down on things. 

His eyes are obviously raptor/ cat-like, so he can see in the dark quite well. 

His skin is rougher and feels a bit like soft scales. It’s gotta be tough you see. Means he isn’t as injured by light scratches. And the more raptor parts of him have tougher/ more scale like texture. 

He isn’t cold blooded, but in some ways he is a bit? He is a lot more sluggish in cold weather. He hates being out in it, and avoids it at all costs. He’s more susceptible to the cold too and can have trouble keeping up his body temperature in cold environments. He needs to wrap up warm and can’t stay out in the snow or something for as long as a human could. 

He can make all those sounds the raptors can, and speak and understand raptor fluently. Sometimes he talks like this instead of using words by mistake. He’s just so used to the raptors for company. 

“How many T-Rex jokes does he have to deal with?”

Mostly the raptors joke about that to annoy him if he wants them to do something they don’t want to do. But if they piss him off too much by doing that, they quickly do as they're told. He’s like their Alpha. He’s the boss, and you don’t mess with the boss 0-0

Lucy would joke about that too. He begrudgingly lets her get away with it more than he otherwise would.

Now for some Emmet stuff!

Emmet as a half raptor is still pretty sweet, but if he gets aggravated he can snap a lot more easily and violently than he would as a human. He doesn’t have any control over his feelings/ instincts like Rex does. Rex could hold himself back if someone threw a tennis ball for him. Emmet would case after it, catch it, and not realise he’s done that till it’s in his mouth and he’s chewing on it. He does a lot of things like that involuntarily. 

But for the most part, Emmet is like a giant puppy. Playful, clumsy, likes to chew on things he shouldn’t. It’s cute.  

And that’s pretty much all I can think of for now!

[dazzlingfantasiesblogs]

Hurricane Side Story : Christmas Decorations

Happy x Reader

Notes: Warning/Triggers: 18+ only. IF UNDER 18 KINDLY DO NOT FOLLOW ME AND DO NOT READ. Thank you. Smut. 18+.

More notes: Hey loves, I have been writing this off and as I have been listening to christmas music and when I set up my Christmas tree earlier in the week. This is a side story to Hurricane. Attached is the Hurricane Masterlist Note that I need to update that masterlist!

I am still working on a Chibs oneshot as well! :)

Tags: @samanthab983 @trippinjenni @camobighairnboots @mywhitehatisbigger @moodygrip

Also, please do not take credit for my work, or post on other websites. That is stealing.  I do not own Sons Of Anarchy, however this is a spin-off and my original work. Do not take what is not yours.

Gifs are not mine. 

The smirk across his face couldn’t be any wider. He watched as you twirled around the living room. The Christmas music blasting in the background. He laughed a bit as you hung the decorations around the house. Tinsel around the photo frames and lights strung around the living room. “When are the boys dropping off the tree?” you smiled walking up to him. “Mm.. soon Mami.” Happy grabbed your hips, pressing a kiss to your lips. He couldn’t believe how cheerful he felt for Christmas with you. Before the holiday being a nuisance since he  would have to spend money on presents.  You made this house a warm home.

Hearing a knock at the door, Happy looked outside and seen his brothers having a hard time carrying the Christmas tree you picked out a day before. Kozik walked in “Come on prospects. Fuck my sisters tree up and I will send you to an early grave.” Kozik smiled to you and kissed your cheek. Mariah Carey “All I want for Christmas” came on and you squealed. You gave Kozik the look. “Alright, Ill dance and sing this with you. Just once.” He smirked waiting for it to play and you started to sing. “I don’t want a lot for Christmas, all I want for Christmas is you!!” Kozik twirled you are the living room, holding on to your hand. The prospects snickered, Happy looked at them, causing them to shiver in fear. After the song you where breathless and laughing so hard you fell on the couch with your brother. You pointed to the prospects, telling them to set the tree in front of the large window. Kozy watched as the boys struggled. The dog walking over to sniff the tree. “No peeing on the tree Kozy.” The dog wagged his tail. Walking over to his dish, drinking water. “Thanks boys! Beer in the fridge.” The prospects smiled to you. Walking in the kitchen they each got a beer and sat down. Jax walked in a bit after the prospects finished fighting with the tree and grabbing a beer. “Hey Prince.” You waved to Jax. “Hey Y/N. Brothers.” You stood back up and started to grab the lights to hang on tree. “Babe, I gotta.. gotta go. I will be back later tonight, tomorrow morning.” Your smile faded and nodded. Kissing Happys cheek you went to your brother“You watch each other.” They nodded waving. It was odd how quickly they where leaving. Especially since you where certain you and Happy where going to spend the night decorating and then sleeping next to the tree and making love. With the club you long let go of the hope to have a normal life. Nothing about your life was normal after all.

It was three in the morning and you finished baking cookies, decorating them and set them out for Happy to eat when he got home. You finished some work next to the Christmas tree as Frank Sinatra played in the back round. Being a little sad since Happy left on your big decorating day, you fell asleep on the couch next to your little man. Kozy snuggled close as you fell asleep under the flannel cozy blanket. Happy opened the door quietly, hoping not to wake you. He seen you asleep next to the Christmas tree on the couch. He smiled seeing the whole house looking like a bunch of elves threw up festive cheer. Tip towing to the room, he hid the bag full of presents that he had bought for you on his way home from church at the club. He slid them on his side of the closet, behind clothes he rarely ever wore. He snuck back outside to the backyard where his brothers waited. They quietly worked on a surprise for you that Happy had planned.

Feeling your shoulder being moved you seen Happy standing there. “Hey babe… mmm you ok?” you rubbed your eyes, slowly sitting up. You grabbed your phone seeing the time. It was 5am and still pitch dark outside. “Cover your eyes love.” You did as told and felt a blanket drape your shoulders. He guided you to slide on your slippers and walk to the back porch. “Open your eyes.” You did and your jaw dropped. “Holy Santa’s beard!” The back yard was lit bright enough by Christmas lights, you where sure that you could see it from a satellite pic. There was colorfull lights strung around the trees, the patio lit up with small bushes that had lights strung on them. A huge ‘Winter Wonderland’ arch into the back yard. Happy held you hand and walked into the back yard even more. Looking on you seen a huge hottub. “So.. I may have went overboard and bought us a hot tub..” you chuckled seeing the tag was still on it. “You stole it didn’t you?” He shrugged his shoulders. “No, the guy owed us a favor. Said I could pick one out. So I took the biggest one. IT even has rainbow lights in the water.” Happy smirked, thinking dirty thoughts about you two in the hottub together. “Happy! This is amazing!” you jumped into your old mans arms, kissing him deeply. He smiled into the kiss and was glad you where so Happy. “You deserve every bit of it my queen. You had a rough year. With your dad bull shit, Lorenzo being an ass, me being an ass.. the club taking advantage of you… Ima.. I am sorry you had to deal with so much beautiful. Know I love you more than the kutte on my back. You are my heaven on earth babygirl.” Happy held your chin in his hands. “Aww so corny!” you looked over to see Tig, Jax, Juice and Kozik walking in from the side gate. “Shut up assholes and get out of here so I can make love to my girl in the hottub.” Happy growled out to them. Kozik walked up to you, ignoring Happy. He kissed your forehead. “Thanks sis, for everything you do for Happy, Kozy and the club.” “I will always be here for you all.” You smiled wrapping your arms tightly around your brothers body. He hugged you tightly, rocking you back and forth. “Alright all, lets get out of here so Happy can fuck his girl.” Tig spoke bluntly. “Tig, really..” Kozik groaned, not wanting to think of it happening. They all waved to the two of you and headed out. “Alright, you up for relaxing in this winter wonderland?” Happy wiggled his eyebrows. You chuckled at the childish movement. “Always my love.” “Let me go get towels. Strip naked babe. No one can see us over the fence. I will bring Kozys outdoor cott out here and his blanket.” Smiling you thought about how being domestic was a good look on Happy.  

Happy walked out with two large towels. He set them on the small table that was set on the side of the hottub. He went back and grabbed Kozys bed and laid it on the patio. The dog snuggling on it and laying his head down. coming back outside for the last time, Happy brought out two cups of coffee. He seen you had gotten into the hot tub, licking his lips instantly. “Love seeing my girl naked and wet.” You chuckled at his pun. Happy stripped his clothes off, twirling his shirt above his head dramatically. “That’s it baby, dance for me!” you whistled. Happy laughed a bit and got into the hot tub. He relaxed feeling the warm water and jets relaxing his exhausted muscles. After all, ordering prospects around was a job within itself. “Thank you Happy, for all of this.” You smiled shyly. “Of course. I could tell you where sad when I left at the time you where decorating. I wanted to do this for you.” You nodded, scooting over to sit in his lap. Pressing a heated kiss to the lips you had kissed so many times before. Each time feeling like the first to you. Happy took his wet and warm hand and grabbed you face, forcing his tongue past your lips. The feeling of his warm tongue dancing with yours felt heavenly. “Need you..” He bit your bottom lip between his teeth, sucking on it, to leave it puffy. You slowly lifted your self on your knees as Happy positioned himself right under you. His slid his hand down over your hips and to your ass, slowly pushing you down on him. Both of you enjoying the initial first thrust. Happy went back to attacking your lips. How the passion between over the years never faulted you will never know. As you moved your hips and slid up and down on him, you noticed Happys head fall back in pleasure. He rarely showed that side of him, letting the pleasure fully take hold of him. “Fuck.. baby..” you moaned out, you knew this was not going to last long. When love making held this much passion, you both knew it was going to be short and pleasureful. As you bounced on him more, he grabbed your hips tightly “Fuck Y/N… I cant last… You feel to fucking good..” he leveled his eyes with you. He started to thrust up into you, the water splashing all over the place as he moved his hips with yours. He press a bite to your throat and you where done for. The pain and extreme pleasure caused you to black out momentarily.

After the two of you caught your breath, you went to get off of his lap. Happy held you in place. “No love, lets watch the sunrise together in OUR winterwonderland.” You looked at the sky and seen the pinks, yellows and oranges as the sky started to wake for the day. This was a life worth living

[sarahcamerons]

the ultimate harley talks about kid gorgeous post

this is very long and i am very sorry.

the fucking essay is under the cut.

January 26th, 2018

I woke up at like 8am because I couldn’t sleep for shit because I was so excited (I wasn’t supposed to leave for my friends house until 2pm). Somehow I waste the day until like 12:30 when I know I should start getting ready because it takes me like two hours to do acceptable makeup (this day was the best my makeup has ever looked wow insert pics here).

I get to my friends (stasi’s) house at like 1:45pm and of course she isn’t done getting ready. We were supposed to leave at like 2 so we could go pick up my last check from work (fuck that place) and of course we had to go get gas and drive 20 minutes to my work. When we got there obviously my fucking boss had to do the whole ‘can we have a talk?’ bullshit like you took me off the schedule for two weeks with no reason yeah no shit we’re “parting ways” sorry I didn’t wanna drive when half my road was covered in ice and snow? Anyway, we get my check and we leave and head to Durham to the movie theatre to catch the showing of The Greatest Showman that we’re supposed to see. We get there like two minutes after the time the showtime was which was actually perfect. The movie was just as good as the first three times, obviously.

Once we leave the theatre it’s like 7:30pm or so and we still have to go to the Apple store and fulfill our plans of getting Cheesecake Factory. We start to leave to go to Crabtree—the big mall in Raleigh—only to realize there’s an Apple store at the shopping center where we were. So we park again and walk the five million miles to the store so I can fulfill another dream—this one being to get a MacBook, thanks graphics scholarship! So after like 35 minutes of playing with an iPhone X—which I’m dying to own (I’m looking at you again next year scholarship)—someone finally comes to help us. After another like 20 minutes, we’re leaving the store with my new MacBook—which I’ve named John in honor of the day I got it—in hand and heading to Cheesecake Factory. By this point it’s like 8:20pm and the wait was  30+ minutes. We waste like ten minutes walking around looking for somewhere else to eat and then walking back to return the beeper to Cheesecake Factory after deciding to eat at California Pizza Kitchen. We split a tiny pizza (I only eat one slice because I honestly feel like if I ingested any more grease I’d be ill) and leave. By this point it’s like 9:20, mind you, doors open at like 9:00/9:30. We finally find our god forsaken car and start driving to DPAC.

We get to DPAC at literally 9:40–show starts at 10:00. We still had to park and shit, okay? So we fucking park and we don’t have the cash to pay for parking on us at the time that we get to the dude so he’s like ‘yeah just go park and come back and pay’ so we’re like cool. Finding a fucking parking space takes like 5 minutes, then we leave through the wrong fucking door and come out the back of the parking garage. So, we had to walk all the way around to pay (I guess we could’ve gotten out of it but thats shitty). So, we FINALLY fucking pay and get to DPAC. Luckily for us, we were pretty late to the party so we didn’t have to wait in a long line for bag checks so we went right on through the bag check and ticket scan shit and we were in. We climb the giant fucking staircase to the second level of the theatre (where orchestra seats are located). We buy merch (i spent $40 on shirts don’t ask me why...no comeback kid vinyl for me on this night rip) and hurry to our seats. We both realize a little too late that we have to pee, and have had to pee since pizza but we don’t wanna get up in case there wasn’t an opener for some reason idk. But Max comes out and we run to the bathroom (thankfully we could hear the part of his set we were missing from the bathroom speakers, he was hilarious, 10/10 recommend). We get back to our seats and listen to Max tell some jokes about masturbating and then it was showtime.

So, before the show even started, the first thing I noticed was that when John came over the speakers to introduce Max it didn’t even sound like John—like it sounded like someone trying to be John, it was weird.

When John walked on stage the whole fucking theatre shook with everyone screaming (I have video but my voice is annoying so I won’t post it) it was the best feeling in the world. He made it a point to wave at every fucking section even the really far back ones (shout-out to my seats from dan and phil tour).

No spoilers, but, the show was fucking hilarious. I distinctly remember feeling like I was gonna pass out from lack of air flow to my brain.

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this somewhere on my blog before but he told jokes about the city being haunted and he said that sometimes he’d be walking around and it would get really cold all of a sudden and he would be like “oh! i wonder who that used to be?”

I’ve also talked about this on my blog before but, he stopped about midway through the show to talk to a little girl in the front row. He transitioned into this by saying, and I quote: “I-I’m sorry but are you-are you a child?” He proceeded to talk to this little adorable child for like five or six minutes. (I think she was thirteen and she wants to be President someday—this obviously got a reaction from John, he looked around at everyone else, chuckled, said some kind of encouragement, and moved on with the show)

I honestly barely remember anything from the show due to my utter lack of sleep.

After the show we found the stage door (because I didn’t come to fucking play I was gonna meet myself a comedian okay) and we waited in the cold ass air for like fifteen-ish? minutes before John’s tour manager came out and informed the security guard that he had already left he building (guess I won’t be meeting myself a comedian after all). If there’s one thing I’ll never forget it’s the feelings I experienced when the security got our attention (I was sure he was gonna be like ‘okay little shits, John is coming outside, we’re gonna be nice and orderly etc, etc.) but he informed us that “the lovely young woman” that just went back inside was Johns tour manager and she informed him that John was no longer in the building and wouldn’t be meeting people. Honestly? Never felt more defeated in my whole ass life. (I know, I’ll meet him someday..right?...).

The ride home was literally so long. I think we got home at 2am so I had a full twelve hour day packed with activity, no wonder i don’t remember anything. I do distinctly remember changing into my what’s new pussycat shirt in the middle of the interstate fully flashing several people I’m sure. I also remember being in this weird state of like ecstatic (from seeing John), absolutely fucking wrecked (from lack of sleep), and also sad (from not meeting John—which thinking back on it now isn’t as big a deal as 12am me made it out to be) and I remember trying to force myself to stay awake and putting on Spotify and playing John’s comedy albums (I just walked into the door whilst typing this kill me) and just riding home in silence with my friend just laughing occasionally when we found the energy.

All in all, best fucking night of my life and I can’t wait to see John live again (hopefully) soon.

Sorry this is like a fucking essay and that literally all of it was just about the time spent before the show. I literally remember nothing.

[youremyalways]

Hey Fiona 💛 this is an invitation to talk about that person you're in love with if you want. Say as much as you need to, I'm listening!!

AHhhhh you have no clue how much this means to me!! Thank you! Get ready for a long thing of mushy feelings (there’s no order to this whole thing, just somewhat finished thoghts that are kinda sorted into paragraphs by what it’s about)

Oof where do I even start? He’s so amazing. He really funny and knows exactly what to do and say to make me smile. Though he’s stubborn as hell and a complete dumb ass sometimes, but he’s so sweet. A lot of the time he doesn’t care about much but boy oh boy you can tell when he cares about something or someone. And he’s gotten better opening up to me and telling me when he’s when he’s feeling lonely or just not good, and ahh i’m so proud of him. I’ve gotten to watch him grow as a person and it’s just so great. For the longest time he’s basically been my brother so this is still kinda weird in my head. He’s always done his best to understand and help me with my mental illnesses. 

As soon as I told him about me being touch starved, he asked if I wanted a hug. Of course I was like ‘uh yes please, i always need a hug’, and we hugged and it was so good, it lasted way longer than our normal hugs did and i felt as if I could just melt into the hug and the sunshine and just stay there forever. Now when we see each other we hug for a while and let me just tell you it’s so amazing. He gives the best hugs in the history of ever. When we hug, he’ll often tell me at least once that I give the best hugs, like dude that’s you, but it means so much to me. Sometimes when I’m doing something, he’ll give me a side hug and asdfgfd when he puts his hand on my waist it feels really comfortable, like that’s just how it’s supposed to go. 

The last time me had a hug was the first of June and that was the longest hug we’ve had so far. hhhhh it was the safest and most content I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I really really miss him and his hugs and his dumb smile. I’m on vacaction in another state right now so I can’t do anything about it other than text him but my anxiety won’t really let me, i feel like he’s kinda annoyed by me.

Whenever we’re doing something personal or anything, he always makes sure I’m comfortable with whatever it is, and he asks several times and will always back off if I answer no. There was one time where my anxiety was getting the best of me so I asked him if we could meet up or at least call (he had to work so we had to go with calling) and when we called and got it cleared up, I mentioned that the reason I needed to call was all these bad feelings had made me relapse, he kept asking if I was ok and stuff. And ahhg his voice is so soothing and I love his laugh so much, it’s such a blessing, 

I forgot when but I think it was late march/ early april when I came fully clean about all of my crap, which meant telling him about my ed and relapses. As soon as I told him, he asked to see and after tracing a few with his thumb, he picked up a pen and drew a couple smiley faces on the places. It was a small gesture but it means a lot to me, every time I saw them I was reminded I’m not alone and I smiled every time. And he’s done that several other times and it’s just so cute.

He decided he likes to pick me up, but the only way he’ll do it is bridal style, which is kinda strange to me but go for it. And honestly I love it for two reasons, 1- it tells me I’m really not as heavy as my mind says (he even tells me I’m basically a feather) and 2- god it feels so safe. He feels like home anyway but when he picks me up it’s like the world just kinda being quieter and calmer. 

We send each other memes and pictures of cute dogs as conversation starters and when we know the other isn’t feeling too good, it’s great. I don’t think a lot of people realize that I basically flirt through memes, puns, and animal pics. 

Ok so he’s the one who introduced me to blink-182 and he kinda introduced me to green day. Both bands have become sooo important to me. Blink was the first that really felt like home, though that might partially be connected to dylan feeling like home, that’s ok because they can fix basically everything at least for a bit. I’ve always felt kinda drawn to Marks voice but I’m so glad I ended up just getting the California cd because I found a piece of me I was missing when I started listening to blink. And I love that we can talk about blink and just music in general, like a few days ago I was at a bookstore and I found a book about famous queer icons in music, but it didn’t have Billie Joe Armstrong in it, and I posted that and he just pissed (maybe more pissed than me??idk it was great) and was like well screw them! We can always talk about music and it makes me so happy. 

Ahh also when school was still happening, one of my friends who’s an amazing artist would sometimes draw on me and it was super great, I would usually send pics to him and his response almost every single time was that I should get that tattooed, and I honestly will. He’s always been so supportive of that kinda stuff and I really want to ask if he’ll come with me to schedule and get my first tattoo on my eighteenth birthday, cause my parents don’t like the idea of me getting a tattoo and I don’t want to do it alone. He’s also been my biggest supporter of my fuck the government playlist and would sometimes send some songs. Also together we talked about time being fake and figured out religion and gender are fake. 

I’m not sure though. I feel like he likes me, but at the same time I really doubt he does. We’ve been friends for so long and I love our friendship so much, I’m absolutely terrified of losing the friendship if i tell him how I feel. I mean, I know our friendship is strong enough to withstand that, but I feel like he might not want to be friends anymore or something, idk. He just means so much to me, too much to risk it unless something else comes up where I feel more comfortable telling him.

Ok I’m sure there’s still so much more but this is all I can put down right now. Oh! Also I found a candle that smells like him so I bought it of course, and I brought it on vacation and on the bad days where my family is really getting to me, I can just pull out the candle and feel a bit better. Aghhhh feelings are a mess. But thank you so so soooo much for the opportunity to do this! Ilysm!!

[kelandry5]

Sort of just a rant… and me trying to idk.. talk and not bottle and idk… just.. me trying I guess….I don’t really know

I have come to the conclusion, controlling my anxiety without a bunch of medication is not fucking possible. It’s been a little over a month now since I completely stopped taking it and I’m fucking dying. I mean, I was sort of off and on since the beginning of August and sort of scraping by that way, but then I ran out at the end of October and since then has just been an unbearable hell. I’m physically ill nearly all the time from the anxiety, my insomnia is even worse than before because I have panic attacks trying to fall asleep or don’t even bother trying because I know I can’t calm down enough to fall asleep even if I’m literally about to fall over from exhaustion. I can’t even make it 24 hours without at least a mild anxiety attack and the level of anxiety is making me sick. I have some days where it’s basically a constant anxiety attack for hours and hours on end and nothing fully makes it go away. It gets to the point I’m ready to off myself just to make it stop and I get so tired but sleep won’t come. 

I thought maybe it was getting better finally. Like, this past week, I actually had times where I made it more than 24 hours without an attack and I actually did get some decent sleep and was able to actually eat food. And it was weird because family shit has been exploding all week and I’ve been stressed and kind of down and irritable from that, but the anxiety wasn’t all that bad. (Could have gotten more sleep if shit didn’t keep happening but that’s besides the point). Like, it was just weird. Even with stuff going on and my mood not being the best, I managed to get a few days free of anxiety. But I think it was just my hormones being screwy and shit and now it’s back to normal cuz things haven’t been as good today. 

I mean.. even if I did get a few more days of calm, I’ve already realized I can’t do this. Saving money and all the other reasons I had for trying are not worth it. It’s not worth the relapses or the physical illness or losing my fucking mind day after day and barely being able to do anything at all because everything sets it off. Like, it’s just not possible. 

But now the problem is two of the meds have to be done by mail order and I ordered them and they were supposed to be here this week but now it’s saying they won’t be here till next week and even once I get them, it’s going to take a week or two of taking them before things are back to normal and that’s just… that’s a long fucking time and with the holidays… that’s a LONG FUCKING TIME. The one I can fill at the pharmacy well… it’s for anxiety but it’s not like an every day one to take and it will make me really drowsy so even once I do fill it, it will only be useful for when I get to the point I can’t handle anything at all anymore and being drowsy won’t be a problem. And first I have to stop putting it off, but like I said, things have been a bit of mess….and a bit is probably an understatement. 

And it’s not like I can even talk about most of it because doing so just sets me off but just a lot of shit going down with family and I’m still jobless (not that I could actually survive a job interview or job in this condition anyway) and everything is just one giant mess and the fact that it’s December and shit hasn’t improved and I’m pretty much out of time isn’t really helping matters but at the same time, matters aren’t helping anything change either and it’s a viscous circle and as much as I know I climbed out of hell once, I’m fucking scared. I’m scared I can’t do it again. Things are a lot different this time around, and maybe some of it’s for the better, but a lot isn’t and that has me terrified. 

Like, I know this shit isn’t linear and I know I made it out once, I should be able to do it again, and I know…. I know all that stuff. I know it. I know a lot of it because this hole is familiar. I’ve been here before and I found a way out and I survived and things changed and got better. I know I need to believe that can happen again… but things aren’t the same as they were the first time around. I can’t do it the way I did before. I can’t use the same tools or strategies this time… and I don’t know if I can find different ones. Maybe the first time was a fluke. I don’t know. Maybe things will look up once I’m back on meds again but maybe they won’t. It’s not like that alone will get me out of this hell hole. And it’s not like I wasn’t here long before I tried going off them. I mean some things are def worse now, but….

I want to think I’ll look back on this one day and, like so many other things, I’ll decide it was okay because it led me somewhere good. But I know that might not happen. Or rather, I’m confused. I am afraid and I’m confused. I don’t know if I can make it out. I don’t know if this will be okay one day. I don’t know if I can stop myself from drowning and I don’t know if I can let anyone in enough to lend me a hand or if they even will or can. I feel like everything before was so different and this… this isn’t going to work the same.. and maybe there really is no way out. And maybe fighting to get out is pointless. I mean… I got out once and fell back in.. and I know this isn’t a linear process… but I didn’t expect to fall so hard again and become so stuck. I didn’t expect this…and damn am I afraid. I hate to admit it… but I’m weak and I’m afraid and I’m confused and I still have so much to learn but there is so much doubt and so many demons.

I don’t even know if it’s worth it, to pick myself up again, assuming I can. And some days or some moments, I find myself able to be positive and hopeful but then others… I just can’t be any of that… even when I know I need to be. And this mask I’ve worked so hard on and worn for so long… it’s starting to crumble just like the rest of me.. It’s crumbling and if it vanishes.. I can’t even think of that…I don’t know..

This started out a rant about one thing and now it’s on to everything except mostly just metaphors and analogy’s that probably don’t make sense to anyone because my head is such a fucking mess and I can’t flat out say what’s going on right now and honestly, I wouldn’t want to worry anyone anyways. And even if that wasn’t a problem… metaphors and analogy’s that suck are about the only way I can talk about any of it without freaking out and that’s just all I’ve got. idk… I’m just going to shut up now because this is just.. idk. I really don’t know. I just wanted to try to get some things out I guess.. idk

To be honest… I’ve been trying to hide the anxiety and not bother anyone about it all this time and not let people know when I was down or well ……things and just trying to keep my mask on as much as possible in front of everyone and deal with everything myself but lately… the last few times I actually just stopped trying to handle everything myself and said something on here (and not just reblog and post pics and quotes and poems and shit to vent but actually let shit off my chest in my own words without a rhyme) and the one or two times I actually just said hey I’m not okay to someone..and just didnt hide shit as much. idk… it actually seemed to help. idk. I hate doing it. I hate saying anything…and I don’t really know what to do when people are actually nice to me about it or try to support me when I actually say anything but… the few times I have said something lately….. it did…. it did actually help. I guess…. bottling it up inside or trying to hide it from people isn’t really the best method and idk… I just sort of thought…. I guess I just wanted to try to calm down by trying to speak this time instead of just posting vague shit or idk… I don’t really know… 

I just know actually saying shit… the few times I managed in the last couple of weeks… those times worked a lot better than any other methods I’ve tried… and maybe it won’t always work and maybe its bothersome or I suck at it but… I don’t know… I want to try… so this is me trying I guess. This is me trying to be open and to talk and to just…yeah…. and this is really terrible. 

[drycerealthief]

Less Hype, More Rest.

AO3 All My Fics - Turns out Phil needn't have worried about Dan not getting any rest on the flight to Perth.

"Dan found his new video so exciting he fell asleep while editing it! Get hyped guys" (https://twitter.com/AmazingPhil/status/764474322438197248)

Phil sighed and stretched out his arms as the credits of the movie he’d spent the past two hours pretending to be entertained by flashed up on the screen. A quick check of the time revealed they still had about another three hours before landing, the realisation causing him to grimace as he removed his earphones and placed them on the table in front of him. The combination of cups of coffee consumed in the airport lounge, and the snacks he’d managed to eat almost without realising (maybe the film had been more of a distraction than he’d previously thought) put paid to any chance of taking a nap during the flight, (not that he’d ever had much success at that in the past) leaving him with nothing to do to while away the hours before landing.

Suddenly the satisfaction of having finished editing the Pokémon Go video during the first leg of their journey to Perth didn’t seem like such an achievement. He resisted the temptation to give the finished video another look-over. It was done. Finished. Dan-approved, and ready to upload as soon as they got to the hotel. The last thing he needed or wanted to do was to over-edit, or cut something out that… Well. He’d quite happily cut his numerous pokéball-throwing fails and pretend they never happened, but that seemed a bit dishonest somehow. Besides, it was all pointless anyway, as Dan was currently editing his video on Phil’s MacBook, having elected to travel with his smaller laptop that wasn’t really suitable for editing.

Despite sitting next to him, all Phil could see of Dan, illuminated solely by the screen in front of him (even on a plane, he still found it easier to edit in the dark) was his hands resting on the keyboard, and his legs tucked under the table. The privacy granted by flying business class was a double-edged sword. They couldn’t be seen easily, but it did seriously limit Phil’s ability to while away the time by looking around the cabin and observe other passengers. It wasn’t even possible to make eye contact with Dan without leaning around the partition between their seats.

Just after take-off, he’d tried (unsuccessfully) to convince Dan to try and get some sleep during the flight. Despite the fact they’d tried to make the most of their brief stop-off in Hong Kong, seeing as much of the city as possible, instead of holing up in the hotel room, and the fact Dan was obviously still feeling run down from being ill, he’d refused point blank to sleep the flight away, saying he “needed” to edit his video so he could upload it at some point during the next few days. Although they’d had a good time exploring, there was a part of Phil that wished they had made the most of the enforced stop in their journey, saved their energy for the upcoming shows. They’d both thought that six weeks was plenty of time in between legs of the tour when they’d been planning it. They’d been realistic – they’d known they’d have been tired, worn out and desperately needing a break after the non-stop madness that had been the North American portion of TATINOF, but whilst they’d done everything they realistically could to make sure they stayed fit and well, they hadn’t envisioned one of them coming down with something that lingered. As it turned out, pneumonia was a stubborn illness not easily cured, and whilst Dan got irritated with himself, the doctors, the medications that weren’t working fast enough, whilst worrying about the tour, and putting in a less than stellar performance when they were on stage, or doing a meet and greet, Phil was just worried about Dan. Worried about the travelling, the jetlag, performing the show and doing the meetups would affect his health, when he already looked worn out and… well, just sick, before they’d even left home. Although he’d made a joke about the humidity affecting his hair and how he wasn’t even going to attempt to straighten it during their layover, it had really seemed to make him worse. So much so, Dan had freely admitted to feeling relieved to be leaving and heading to Perth.

Phil had hoped he’d have been able to convince Dan to get some much needed rest during the flight, but had quickly realised his best bet was to give up for now, and hope either that Dan finished the video quickly, or that he’d be able to talk him into resting once they arrived at their hotel. However much Dan played up his ability to procrastinate and put off projects until the last possible minute, Phil knew all too well he was in actual fact more likely to be incredibly determined to finish a project once he’d started. So after the briefest attempt to try and get him to relax, Phil had surrendered his laptop, and had settled both for spending at least the first part of the flight keeping his own company, and scouring the in-flight entertainment system for something, anything to entertain him, rather than watching something he’d “totally legally acquired” (he thought, with a wry smile) on his laptop.

Although there was definite advantages to flying business class these days, comfort and legroom easily being the top two on a long-haul flight when you were over 6’ tall, Phil did sort of miss the days when they’d been forced to fly scrunched up together in economy, trying to get comfortable without disturbing the other, or anyone around them, sharing a set of earphones whilst binge-watching a series of whatever TV programme they’d been obsessed with during flights to Playlist or Vidcon. It’d seemed more like an adventure back then, instead of something to be endured.

That was the last straw. He’d done his best to keep his mind occupied, but he needed some company instead of allowing himself to wallow in nostalgia.

Phil leaned forward in his seat, and peered around the partition, and… oh. That was unexpected. Clearly his worrying had been for nothing, as Dan was fast asleep, his head slumped forward, chin resting on his chest, his hands splayed across the keyboard, Final Cut still open on the screen.

Phil shook his head, smiling fondly at the sight, as he reached across and quickly saved Dan’s progress, an idea forming unbidden in his mind. He quickly reached towards the controls next to Dan’s seat, and switched on the overhead spotlight, hoping not to disturb him. Then he quickly took a picture of Dan asleep using his phone before switching the light back off. He figured he’d just add it to the collection of candid snaps they each regularly took of the other, although if he was being fully honest, he’d been trying to come up with a suitable revenge for what had become known as the “Cereal Pics” a week or two previously, even if they’d both laughed over their fans’ reactions to the tweets. He did feel slightly guilty about thinking of posting the picture. Sort of. He thought back to his own reaction when he realised he’d been caught on camera scoffing the cereal straight from the box and… well, that helped. Still though. Dan wasn’t in the most comfortable of positions for sleeping, and would be sure to wake up stiff, sore and unhappy when they landed if he didn’t do something.

Pushing aside any wistful thoughts about how much easier and nicer it would be to be able to just pull Dan against him and lean his head on Phil’s shoulder for the rest of the flight like he would have done if they had adjacent seats, Phil stood and leaned over Dan in his seat. Slowly and gently, he lifted his hands off the laptop, and placed them carefully in Dan’s lap, before closing the lid of the MacBook. He then glanced at the seat controls, before pressing the button he hoped would move the seat into a more comfortable reclined position. (“Score three for business class” he thought – more space around seats means no guilt over encroaching on someone else’s space.) He held his breath as he pushed the button.

CLUNK.

Turned out the seat moved quicker than he had anticipated, and before he could do anything, Dan’s head smacked against the headrest. Immediately, Dan jerked back upright, grabbing at anything in front of him, catching hold of Phil’s arm, whilst his eyes stared wildly around him in fright. “Wha- where- …Phil? What happened?” he finally managed, as his eyes focused on the face in front of his own. “Sshhh, it’s OK” he whispered, inwardly cursing. “You fell asleep sat up, I was just trying to lie you back a bit so you’d be comfortable. Go back to sleep.” “I was editing. I need to finish the vid-“ The end of Dan’s sentence was lost in a huge yawn. “I think you just proved my point for me” Phil replied smiling. “I’ll wake you before we land, we’re still hours away. And you need your sleep more than you need to edit. Now lie back down. I flattened your seat out, look.” Dan smiled sleepily and lay down on the seat, which was indeed completely flat. Eyes closed, he curled up on his side facing towards Phil, who watched him until his breathing evened out again then picked up the laptop and laid it in front of his own seat, settling down for the rest of the flight, half hoping if he put on something familiar, he might well actually manage some sleep himself.