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nonsensicalmillennial-blog · 6 years

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Dear Dale

I don't know what to do. And i understand that that’s frustrating to hear because it doesn’t give you any guidance, so I’m sorry. But Dale, give me a minute to try and explain this to you. I’m not trying to be patronising, or blunt, or rude, I’m just trying to be honest. The reason i wont explain things to you when i get bad, isn’t because i don’t feel comfortable; its because i don’t want to hurt you. I know what you went through with your sister and i don’t want to bring it back with me. I also don’t want you to look at me differently. Since you told my parents what was going on, more and more people have found out and these people look at me like I’m damaged or broken. People want me to talk to them about it but there’s nothing to talk about. I’m a reasonable person; if there’s a problem, I’ll solve it, but that’s much more difficult if you don’t know what the problem is. If there was a specific problem causing me to get bad, I could find a solution. But there isn’t. Or if there is I don’t know about it and therefore I cant tell you or anyone else about it. What I do is a way of coping, and its something I can be in control of. You of all people know how difficult it is to control emotions, but I can control this. I don’t talk to you about it because I don’t want to burden or worry you. I don’t want to ruin anything for you by putting my problems on top of yours. Now I feel like everybody knows and I hate it because people judge me for it. Im still the same person I was before, but with scars. Marks on my skin that have no impact to my personality. Ive always been like this. Some days im worse that other days but its always there and it always has been, whether you noticed it or not. I also don’t know if you’ll even be able or willing to support me. Remember when I was far from okay and I told you I was fine? When I asked you ‘what would you do if I wasn't fine?’ your response was childish and unreassuring; ‘I don’t fucking know’. The only time that I’ve felt comforted by you was when I told you about my experience when I was younger and you held me and for once, I felt like you actually cared. And it was lovely and it was reassuring and I felt good.

Something I cant control is my feelings for you. I love you. You cheated on me and I still love you. And that’s a problem. My friends (although limited) tell me to move on. My parents tell me to move on and that im not allowed to see you. Again, they’re trying to control me and my life and I hate it. Dale I fucking hate it and I don’t know how I can stop it.

I want to talk to you. I want to cry in your arms while you stroke my hair and tell me its going to be alright. That’s all I want, especially when I get bad like this. But I don’t cry in your arms and you don’t stroke my hair and tell me its going to be alright. And I understand that you don’t do that because you don’t want to lie to me. Its not going to be alright; we both know that.

I went up to the roof of a car park today, and cried because jasmine got so close to the edge and for a long, excruciating minute, I thought she was going to do it. I thought my best friend was going to jump down. And honestly? I don’t doubt she has thought about doing it. And I cried because firstly, how the fuck could she leave me alone like that and secondly because, I know how she feels. When I climbed up there, I wanted to do it. I wanted to jump off because it would all be over but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because im too weak. And I cant leave you because im too weak.

As much as people remind me that you cheated. And as often as I imagine Lauren all over you. As much as my parents tell me im not allowed to see you. As much as you keep our relationship a secret. As much as people who know you tell me youre toxic, or that youre a bad boyfriend, or that you flirt with everyone. As much as all this happens, im too weak to lose you.

Is it because this is my first proper relationship? Is it because we fit? Is it because I love your family? I don’t know, and nor will I ever. But I cant seem to let go of you. I hate to say it but honestly, Dale, I need you.

Yet, sometimes I think ‘hey im a boss ass bitch, I don’t need him; hes a knobhead’, and I prepare myself to dump you and move on. But it doesn't happen because you just wont give up and then I remember that actually I really fucking need and love you.

I don’t know why you wont give up. They told me that you did the same with Aimee, so how am I to know that I’m special; that you actually love me? I don’t know if its because your family like me, or if its because you like to think youre powerful enough to keep me. Does it boost your ego every time I run back to you? Or do you actually enjoy my company, and looks? Do you actually need me like you claim to? Or am I just another one of your flings?

Im not going to lie to you because ive already mentioned that I just want to be honest. And sometimes, yeah you make me sad. You don’t accept my liking for buddhism and you don’t approve of my short hair. And ill tell you, its not a nice feeling. Considering those are things that im insecure about, as much as I pretend it doesn't bother me, it does. Albeit not when other people say it but when the person whos supposed to appreciate and love everything you do, tells you that your habits and likes are strange; it’s a little damaging.

Sometimes I pretend that im going to do drugs or do something that’ll make you dislike me. But, as much as I want to, I can never bring myself to do it, like how I couldn't bring myself to jump earlier. When it comes down to it I realise that I don’t want you to hate me and that I don’t really want to lose you. I sacrifice these things for you because im weak and I love you. But imnot entirely sure that you’d do the same. After what happened, I don’t know if I can trust you.

But I want to. I want it to work. I want you to be perfect and to appreciate me and support me and maybe I have high expectations or maybe I watch too many movies, but sometimes we have what I want. Sometimes we have what I need and then other times we don’t have anything. I miss us though, I do. I miss how happy you can make me and how funny you are. Yes, at the moment it feels different, but I think that’s in my head. I think you might be right when you say that we need more time. And although im confused and confusing and keep changing my mind; right now (and for the majority of the time) I need you, and I want to make it right.

Dale, I need to talk to you. I want you. Not Isaac, or Josh, or Lorien, or Dylan. I want you. But I also don’t want you to waste your time on me if im not ready for us. I don’t want to hurt you, I couldnt. And yet I always seem to.

But overall I don’t know what to do. I need to talk to you and be held by you. I think in general, I just need you.

Its never going to be easy is it ? Life is pretty much the opposite of easy. But for some reason, this is one of the few things I want to try and save.

#personal rant

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