#im actually feeling better about myself so i think i can finally start writing again

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

part 4 of flames?? im HOOKED u dont get it we're actual masterminds

I'm sorry it took so long for me to put this out. I'll get to the 5th part this weekend:)

Flames - Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader - Part 4

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Summary: You're trying to give Ethan a chance with your daughter, but Chad isn't so trusting.

Contains: Angst, a smidge of fluff, Ethan trying to learn how to be a dad, mentions of mental health.

A/N: Y'all...I'm convinced that some of you can read my mind because I'll think about something I want to write(esp. when it comes to spicy stuff), and then one of the sweet anon's on here will request it. I stg some of the things I've gotten requests for have made me fucking BLUSH.

After Ethan went to bed, you struggled to fall asleep. You still felt a little uneasy about him being in the next room over, and not having a true understanding of what he’d actually be capable of. Finally, the exhaustion kicked in and you drifted off. You woke up a few different times during the night when she started to cry, and Ethan ran in the room ever single time, desperate to help.

Once the sun started to peak through the gap in the curtain, you stirred awake and looked over to see River awake in the bassinet.

“Hey, sweet girl,” you said, scooping her up in your arms. She started to coo, the soft sounds making you smile.

You walked out of your room to the next room over, quietly pushing the door open as you saw Ethan in a deep sleep. You noticed his backpack on the ground in the middle of the floor, and started to think about how he needed laundry done. You reached down to grab it, before quietly sneaking back out of the room.

You went to the nursey to change River, before heading downstairs to play with her for a little bit. Once she fell asleep again, you grabbed his bag again, and went to the laundry room.

You started to pull stuff out of his bag, a few bottles of medication falling to the floor.

“Shit,” you whispered to yourself, reaching down to grab them. You started to look at the medication names and pulled out your phone to google them. One was for anxiety, one was for depression, and one was a really strong anti-psychotic med. It might’ve been wrong to be that nosey, but you needed a better understanding of his mental health.

You sat them down on the counter in the room before starting the laundry. He soon walked downstairs, desperate to find you.

“Hey,” you smiled, your face dropping once you noticed his nervous expression. “What’s wrong?”

“I need my meds,” he panicked, looking around for his bag.

“They’re in here,” you said, gesturing to the laundry room. He saw them all lined up, feeling a little shame as he reached for them.

“Thanks…if I don’t take them when I’m supposed to, I don’t act like myself,” he said, calming a little as he opened the bottles and got a pill from each one.

“Do you need water?” you asked as he shook his head, dry swallowing all three pills at once. “Is there anything I can get for you?”

“I’m okay. You’ve already done so much for me,” he said, as you walked out, him following closely behind you.

You went to the living room, the two of you making small talk when your mom walked through.

“I’m going to work. I’ll be home late tonight, but I sent you some money for pizza or whatever you and your friends want to order tonight,” she said, before looking down to smile at her sleeping granddaughter. “She’s just so precious.”

You sleepily smiled at her, as she grabbed her purse to walk out the front door.

“When should they be here?” Ethan asked, referring to your friends.

“Actually,” you said, pulling out your phone to check the time, “Any minute now.”

He started to get really anxious. He was hoping he’d have a little more time for his meds to kick in before he had to be face to face with more of the people he hurt, especially Chad. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he was about to find out, as he heard light tapping on the front door.

“It’ll be okay,” you tried to assure him, as you got up to walk towards the door.

“Hey! Where’s that precious little angel?” Chad excitedly asked, turning the corner towards the living room. He stopped in his tracks the second he saw Ethan. The rage that built inside of him for months started to come to the surface as Tara walked in behind him, her eyes going wide. “What the fuck is he doing here?” Chad yelled, walking over to Ethan. He grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him up, so he was face to face with him.

You bolted around the corner, trying to step between the two boys as Chad stared Ethan down.

“Sleeping baby, right there,” you said, gesturing towards River as Chad face softened a little. “I know you’re pissed, but you need to calm down.”

“Yeah, babe. Let’s go outside for a minute,” Tara said, as he let go of Ethan’s shirt.

He listened to Tara, as they started to leave the room. He turned to look at Ethan one more time before he softly spoke. “If you hurt either of them, I’ll fucking kill you.”

Ethan didn’t say anything, he just stood there. He had so many different emotions on his face as he tried to pull it together, once again running through all the steps his psychiatrist drilled into his head before he was released from the hospital.

“You okay?” you asked, once Tara and Chad went outside.

He shook his head as he started to cry. You sat down on the couch and grabbed his hand, pulling him down to sit with you. Your arms wrapped around him as he sobbed into your chest.

“I’m so sorry, for everything,” he cried, “I think I should probably go.”

You pulled away to look at him, “You knew how this could go…Don’t try to run away from us the second you’re making progress.”

He wiped his tears as he looked up at you, “I’m making progress?”

“Yes, Ethan. It’s going to take a lot more work, but you’re already doing such a good job with her. Don’t let anyone else make you feel like you aren’t supposed to be here with me…or be here with her.”

You felt yourself start to tear up as you heard Chad and Tara walk back inside. Ethan intently watched Chad, not knowing what to expect as he sat beside him on the couch.

“Why are you here?” Chad questioned; his voice significantly calmer than before. “You fucked your life up, so you come here to get her to put the pieces back together?”

“Chad, stop,” you warned, as Tara chimed in.

“Just tell him what you need to say, Chad. Don’t be an asshole. He is River’s dad,” she said, looking over to the sleeping baby.

Chad sighed, looking at Ethan, “I don’t fucking trust you, and I don’t like that you’re here. You fucking hurt me, dude. I defended you time and time again whenever you were accused of anything. You know how awful I felt when I found out you were a part of the reason we were fucking terrorized and almost killed?”

The guilt was all over Ethan’s face as he tried to think of the right things to say to apologize, but there weren’t any. He knew he fucked up, and he knew that it was going to take a lot for the people he cared about to even begin to trust him.

“I’m sorry, for everything,” Ethan finally said, as everyone’s eyes were on him. “I tried to stop it, I really did.”

“We know you did,” Tara said, as River started to wake up.

Chad got up and walked over to the bassinet to grab her. She stopped crying the second she was in his arms. Ethan watched the interaction, feeling sick to his stomach. You reached down to grab Ethan’s hand, attempting to comfort him before he had a chance to show the emotion that was building.

“We missed you,” Chad whispered to the baby, as he sat down beside Tara.

You let them bond with her as you sat with Ethan. “You’re still her dad,” you reminded him, as he nodded.

“So, what’s the deal with you two?” Chad asked, noticing Ethan’s hand in yours.

“Oh, um…right now he’s just…trying to make things right,” you said, as his thumb rubbed against your hand. “He wants to be in her life, and I want to give him that opportunity.”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea? He doesn’t know the first thing about her,” Chad said, handing the baby to Tara.

“I’m trying to learn,” Ethan sighed, “I get it that you hate me. You have a good reason to, but I’m doing a lot better than I was.”

“Whatever you say,” Chad sighed, “She’s more forgiving than I am.”

Ethan nodded as you stood up. “I need to go put the laundry in the dryer. Please don’t try to kill him,” you said, walking away.

“Don’t we have to worry about him trying to kill us?” Chad joked, but you turned around, not thinking the joke was very funny.

“He’s working through things, stop intentionally trying to trigger him,” you said, as Chad’s eyes connected with yours.

“Sorry, dude,” he said, as Ethan mumbled “Thanks.”

After Chad and Tara started to get used to Ethan being around, you excused yourself to go shower. You wanted to take Ethan shopping to get anything he needed, and you had to look at least somewhat presentable before you could do that. You even put on a little bit of makeup, hoping to hide the dark circles under your eyes.

You grabbed Ethan’s laundry out of the dryer and took it upstairs. It didn’t take long to fold it because he really didn’t have much. When you went back down the stairs, you got a bottle ready for River, knowing she’d be hungry soon.

Like clockwork, she started to cry as soon as it came out of the warmer.

“Hey, can I borrow my kid?” you asked Chad, as he gently passed her over to you. “Thanks,” you smiled, sitting beside Ethan. “You want to feed her?” you asked, as Ethan nodded.

Chad and Tara nervously watched him, but soon started to relax when they realized how gentle he was being with her. He’d gotten some practice during the feeding sessions in the middle of the night, but he was still terrified when it came to the burping part. He was scared he’d hurt her fragile little body, so he passed her off to you once she was done eating.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Ethan said, going to the cart that extra baby blankets and clothes, and grabbed a burp cloth.

“Thanks,” you smiled, as he handed it to you. You adjusted her so she was laying on your shoulder, before patting her back. “Do you think you guys could babysit for a little bit?” you asked Chad and Tara.

“Of course,” Tara smiled, “Where are you going?”

“Ethan and I are going out for a little bit to get some things,” you said, as Ethan looked at you, unaware of the plan. “We talked about this last night,” you sighed, as he started to remember the conversation from the night before.

“Yeah, uh, I guess I should go change,” he said, getting up and heading up the stairs.

Once he was out of earshot, Tara started to whisper, “Do you feel safe going somewhere with him by yourself?”

“I’ve been here with him by myself,” you shrugged, as Chad started to shake his head.

“I know you want to give him a chance but is this really what’s best for you and River?” he asked, genuinely concerned for you and your daughter’s wellbeing. “Would you feel comfortable with him watching her by himself? He messed his whole future up.”

“It’ll be a long time before I could trust him alone with her. Fuck, I don’t even fully trust him being here,” you sighed, “But he’s trying to prove himself. He’s been through a lot.”

“You have, too, though,” Tara said, “You went through a pregnancy without him. You had the baby without him.”

“He didn’t know,” you started to defend him, as Chad got irritated.

“How was he supposed to know? He was busy trying to kill people,” he said, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, because we’ve been so happy to help…but it’s almost like a slap in the face to see you giving him a chance after we’ve been here for you through it all.”

“Please don’t look at it like that,” you said, your eyes starting to water, “I appreciate everything you guys have done. I appreciate everything that you’ll still do to help me out. If he fucks up, I already told him he doesn’t have anymore chances. Just try to be there for me while I figure this out.”

Chad and Tara both nodded, before you noticed that River was sound asleep laying against you. You swaddled her before putting her in the bassinet, and started to wonder what was taking Ethan so long.

The truth is, he never fully made it up the stairs once he heard everyone start to talk about him. He was silently sobbing as he stood on one of the stairs, not knowing what the best move would be. He could just grab his stuff and jump out the window, or he could keep trying to prove himself.

When he thought back to the conversation after he fully expected Chad to punch him, when you told him that he was making progress, he started to smile through his tears. His meds usually made him feel numb, but being back in your life was the first time he’d started to feel emotions again, and he was determined to prove to you that he was going to be an amazing dad.

[leemillion]

CALLING ALL PRESTON GOODPLAY LOVERS (aka me)

IM MAKING A PLAYLIST

FOR THE ONE AN ONLY 😌

AND I NEED SONGS THAT REMIND YOU OF HIM. WHETHER THAT BE DIFFERENT STAGES OF HIS LIFE (canon or headcanon) OR YKNOW JUST WHATEVER GIVES YOU THE ✨VIBES✨

I’D LOVE SOME OUTSIDE OPINIONS ON THIS

HERE’S THE SONGS I ALREADY HAVE IN ORDER:

Introduction to the Snow - Miracle Musical (gives me the ✨vibes✨)

Look Who’s Inside Again - Bo Burnham (Think it would describe his childhood. At least a part of it)

Am I Supposed To Apologize? - Maria Mena (It’s %90 percent here because of a few short lyrics that would imply him discovering his love of theater. The other %10 is because I have a headcanon he’s a child of divorce parents.)

My Play - AJR (C’mon man it seems pretty self explanatory if you’ve listened to it. Plus it adds onto the divorced parents theory)

The Main Character - Will Wood (It’s literally him. C’mon man. The vibes. Also you cannot tell me he wouldn’t be a huge Will Wood fan.)

Hard to Be the Bard - Something Rotten! (He’s a writer✨ An artist✨ It can’t possibly be easy 😔)

Soldier, Poet, King - The Oh Hellos (Now this one is more the Performance Trio as a whole but still. Preston is the poet, obviously 😌 while Nerris is the soldier and Harrison is the ruler.)

I/Me/Myself - Will Wood (Because he's just so ✨gender✨ Plus if you headcanon him as gender-fluid it makes this even better.)

Oh No! - Marina & The Diamonds (A desire to succeed. To make it big in this world. He knows what he wants and he won’t stop at nothing to get it. He definitely has a fear of failure. And who’s to say he doesn’t feel like he’s the worst? He already acts like he’s the best. Who’s to say that’s not a cover up?)

Everybody Loves Me - OneRepublic (Consider this the beginning of Preston Goodplay’s Good Play. He finally has a performance piece that people seem to like. He’s finally getting the love and attention he so deserves 😌 But at what cost?)

Non-Stop - Hamilton (Turns out his new performance is the only thing people seem to want. So why not just keep writing up new ideas for it? Sure he’ll eventually run out. But right now’s not eventually! He’ll just have to keep coming up with new ideas for it! Thing is it’s getting a lot more stressful than he intended.)

Left Brain, Right Brain - Bo Burnham (Oh Y’know just that one scene where he’s arguing with his own fucking reflection. Unsure whether he should sell out and give the people what they want, or follow what he wants with the risk that no one would like it.)

Show & Tell - Melanie Martínez (Ok this is getting ridiculous. They’ve started showing up to his practices and commenting on HIS writing process. It’s overwhelming. But what can he do about it? They’re his target audience. Well his only audience but still-)

Everyone is Dumb - Mazie x Everybody Likes You - Lemon Demon (Seems self explanatory. Everyone actually pays attention to him now. They’re excited for his performances. Everyone likes him. But they’re also stupid. It’s a stupidly simple performance that’s virtually the same every time. Yet they never get tired of it. Yes they like him, but is it worth it if this is the reason they like him.)

Shine A Light (Reprise) - Heathers (Oh y’know just the silly little nightmare he has :,D And then the hallucinations of his own reflection laughing at him. Plus him pulling out that prop knife uh- was he just being dramatic or??? Like he did have a bit of a psychotic break, man’s was hallucinating. How do we know he didn’t think the knife was real? Like was he actually trying to- y’know? Seriously is he ok-??)

Are You Satisfied - Marina & The Diamonds (He talks to David for a bit. And something’s called to question. Is he satisfied with this? He’s worried about his future yes, but then again what’s the point of making art if he doesn’t actually like it himself. It’s pointless. And he realizes no one else should get a say in what he wants to create. It’s his problem. No one else’s.)

Drama Club - Melanie Martinez (Honestly just doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinions anymore and that’s kind of a good thing. Even if they hate it. “Any reaction, positive or negative, is still a reaction :D” As tomatoes are pelted towards him. Honestly a healthier mentality than he had before. And I think that’s the end of the Preston Goodplay’s Good Play section of the playlist!)

Recess - Melanie Martinez (I’m here for Preston’s grandmother raising him and teaching him everything she knows 🗣️🗣️🗣️ Stg every lyric fucking fits. Also I think this could apply to his new mentality of “Fuck you it’s my art not yours I do what I want.” A nice little summary to the fiasco that is Preston Goodplay’s Good play.)

Mirror Man - Jack Stauber’s Opal (Mostly just gives me Preston vibes. His desire to become famous and what not.)

Art Is Dead - Bo Burnham (Vibesss man. “I am an artist, please god forgive me. I am an artist, please don't revere me. I am an artist, please don't respect me I am an artist, you're free to correct me. A self-centered artist. Self-obsessed artist. I am an artist. I am an artist. But I'm just a kid. I'm just a kid. I'm just a kid, kid. And maybe I'II grow out of it”)

Finale (Can’t Wait To See What You Do Next) - AJR (Honestly just thought it’d be cool to have the last song in the playlist be called Finale 💀 But I think it’s a nice little summary of his character. A final bow if you will 😌)

Anyways that’s about it. If anyone else has suggestions or input on the songs already here feel free to! Hell if you happen to disagree with anything feel free to. I love discussions about things I like :D Also feel free to suggest songs that you think I should add 😌 Gonna go pass out now baiiii

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I finished acotar a while ago and I was gonna write a review right away but then christmas happened and I was pretty busy and wanted to enjoy myself so youre getting like two weeks late

It was fine, I really didnt have any strong feelings about the book itself. Like, my main complaints are that it was pretty boring and directionless for most of it and stuff thats mainly related to the next books, if I just look at it as a standalone I would describe it as "not for me, but not that bad"

That is, until we get to Under The Mountain, where everything just gets really stupid and convoluted. That whole section, which is a solid fourth or fifth of the whole book, severely clashes with the sweet fairytale romance that came before it. It reminds me of how all those twilight-knockoff trilogies in the 2010s would have two pretty low-stakes books worth of basically only romance with some weird magic sprinkled on top, and then in the last book it would turn out that the protagonist and her beloved need to Go To War or the world will end except even worse (also now that I think about it, the first three acotar books also seem to be structed like that, so youre getting two shitty plot structures in one. yayyyyyyy)

There was literally no reason for all of that happen, it was honestly just unpleasant reading about Feyre, who had spent the book recovering from her trauma in a way that was genuinely pretty nice to read about, being tortured for three months until she was feeling worse than she ever had before. And some people might say "oh, thats the point, its meant to be tragic" but it didnt feel like tragedy, it just felt tonally dissonant. Also, the entire ending was so weird and dragged out, like that bit where she and Tamlin are staying one last night UTM for some reason and then she talks to Rhysand before they finally leave and its like, BRO dont stay in the Palace of Torments for any longer than you have to, just leave through that portal-tunnel thing

Speaking of Rhysand, he wasnt that bad in this book but Im sure my opinion on him will change. The main thing that sticks out about him is how sjm simply could not resist ALREADY explaining all of his motivations and portraying him as someone whos obviously so noble, despite all the obviously horrific and completely unecessary shit hes doing. Like, theres that scene where Rhysand crushes that guy's brain when Amarantha ordered him to crush his mind and the narration goes "that was actually an act of mercy from Rhysand" ??? that mightve worked better in third person limited where youre working without the implication that the prose is the pov character's actual thoughts, but since its first person and meant to be Feyre's thoughts I was just like "why is she thinking that when she should be thinking 'holy fucking shit, i just signed my life over to a guy who could squish my mind like a grape if he wanted to?!?!?!!'"

Also, theres that scene where Rhysand comes into Feyres cell to "escape from it all" or whatever and he basically monologues to her about his sympathetic motivations and I just. sarah, girlie, you shouldve saved this shit for the second book. Like, rewrite the scene so that he just comes in eithout a word, hes totally unresponsive to Feyre insulting him or trying to ask him what hes doing here, he just sits down in the corner, knees pulled to his chest, he mutters something vague about just wanting to be left alone, maybe he's even got tears in his idk. I think that would be a far more effective way to have him be sympathetic in a more subtle way than just having him monologue his tragic circumstances and noble intentions at Feyre

Thats about it so far, I'll probably start reading ACOMAF in january when winter break is over and I can read it on the bus and in class again

[a-non-ymouswriter]

Alright, let's talk Rewind (or my MCYT fics)

i think it's time to finally talk about rewind/remix.

or generally, just my mcyt fics in general.

it's been a while since i updated any of them and trust me, i am very much FILLED WITH GUILT over not updating or continuing them- problem is; i just don't have any motivation in them at the moment. my interest and motivation for them have waned, wilted and withered. the three unfortunate ws that arent wins.

i dont want to say i abandoned them, i hate the thought of abandoning ANY STORY and i like the thought of getting back to them at some point. maybe my motivation will come back, it has in the past and that's a great hope to have.

however i am aware that these stories have been gathering dust and it's possible that motivation will never come back and i hate that.

i know partially why i'm no longer interested? partially- it mainly started with techno's death. it just didn't feel the same anymore now that cc!techno was gone, but if things went differently then maybe i could've continued just as normal. but i'm pretty sure my motivation took a great hit when techno died.

another great hit to my motivation is the whole... thing with cc!dream??? WHICH I WILL NEVER EVEN POKE ABOUT, YOU CANNOT MAKE ME, I WILL IGNORE EVERY ATTEMPT. it felt weird writing about c!dream even though i should REALLY be able to separate the two, cc!s are different from fictional c!s and all that but for some reason i just don't feel too comfy writing him right now.

and since my main series of rewind and remix is MAINLY RELATED TO DREAM- you can see my problem here.

the dream smp is done, over, there is no season 2 and my interest in this fandom is only tethered by the occasional fanfic that i stumble upon and the numerous fanarts that come and go. that interest isn't enough to motivate my writing.

a funny thought though, is that i think i spent a LOT of motivation and kind of burnt myself out in the future back when i was DAILY UPDATING REWIND- like i don't know if you readers remember but i was updating DAILY on rewind. every day, FOR ALMOST A MONTH- something that might never happen again really and i'm still kind of proud of that.

but i'm pretty sure it was very unhealthy of me to do daily updates the way i did- it took A POWER OUTAGE to make me stop doing daily updates and i remember STRESSING OVER NOT UPDATING while the power was out. so yeah, i'm pretty sure i set myself up for failure there XD

but i'm so glad that i was able to at least finish rewind. my very first story that i completed. unfortunately i'm not too confident about finishing the rest of the series (and some other fics).

a friend of mine actually suggested something that i've been thinking about from time to time; i give you guys the outline of what COULD have happened. what i was planning on writing and then completing my works.

it sounds like a good idea but i didn't want to let you guys down in just, giving up like that. but nowadays, it sounds like a better and better alternative than to just wait for my motivation and interest to come back. it's almost been a year already for wishes and family, and remix, i managed to update stream labs a few months ago so that's hopeful but the others...

okay, i'm going to give YOU GUYS the choice here. i'll tell the ao3 readers about it as an important update author's note, but im going to make a poll about this choice soon and i'll even pin it on my tumblr.

it'll last- maybe two weeks? but yeah, it's the least i can do to see what you guys want.

EDIT: polls apparently only last a week, so it'll be up a week.

[seven-stars-in-his-palm]

okay but hold me like you scared to sounds so good already (they all sound so good tbh but this one piqued my interest lol) what's it about? and for the fanfic questions 32, 50 and J :))

@frappe-the-peppermint WE GOT ONE 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 ahem oh wow who said that. anyway ill do the questions first then get into fic discussion…

32) Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you?

i listen to SO MUCH MUSIC!!!!! it depends on what im wrting tbh but i just queue up a bunch of songs in my liked playlist and write and write until it ends or im no longer on that flow. and well my music taste is an absolute mess so there isnt any one definitive band or genre that does it for me (i only pay attention Sometimes) but i suppose artists like mitski and queen would be a decent summary of my taste 😅

50) How did you get into reading and/or writing fanfiction?

gravity falls, no stop. the first one that ever piqued my interest was versability (originally on ff.net me thinks) and god damn it HOOKED ME!!!! gravity falls was already getting me up but wow that just got me SO MUCH HIGHER. i have a few authors i started binge reading like thesnadger and pinesinthewoods, i started extracting fics from reccs from tumblr artists, soon discovered ao3, and never looked back. and as for writing fic,,,,, well frankly it was the search for the cure’s original form that got me GOING!!!! it originally had crappy ocs as the forefronters but i soon changed that lmao (im definitely not saying theyre bad in general, just those… no) and i wrote So Much For It on my notes app. i didnt realize i culd actually show people until way later, in which i did, and realized that it could actually be better. thats why i reversed back to part one, made the story a part two, scapped the ocs, and…now we’re here. i still love it and gravity falls, i dont really show it here anymore. i really should, man. i need to write for them again!!!! it still excites me!!!! and the prose that im weaving now,,,, id DEMOLISH THE GAME!!!!!!! :)

J) what your favorite fanfic trope? have you written it?

honestly i think just showing you my favorted ao3 tags will paint a very detailed picture. here:

though i suppose if i had to pick one here…god its between time loop and presumed dead (and grief/moruning but idk if thats a trope so much as it is a theme). MMMMMMMM. mmmmm. just YES. the psychological affects of both being a time loop and thinking someone you love is dead but they arent actually are DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!! they are a MUST HAVE. i daydream constantly, but i havent written time loop yet because while i love it, i havent hadthe motive to write such a thing myself. reading is chill ✊ and presumed dead well i try to throw it is as much as i can, the most recent ive used being a west end town and my favorite being that one kid from jersey ! i need to do more of these fr. its just so GOOD!!!!!!

okay. its finally time for the brainwashing discussing of the fic ! i can tell you alllll about that story and it will be my pleasure sonny 🫡 its a very long story. but short verison in case you dont want to go on: its a Titanic epic . april 1912. iceberg. ive read a few that are AMAZING, but i wanted to write one that catered it allll to Me. it has lesbians, heaven sucking ass, flood parallels, and a king of the world AND draw me like one of your french girls scene. very nice 🔥

okay now its time for the long story. so a super super long time ago for a post i cant even remember (i really wanna find it 😭😭) i for someone reason went on a tangent about the titanic. i had just read this fic called sinking into the sea which was tbh VERY GOOD (and i would read it again fr fr ) but at the time, i was kinda bummed that aziraphale and crowley never actually Interacted when i had expected. aziraphale didnt even know crowley was there!!! it left me feeling melancholy, and realizing that all of the titanic fics ive ate up to that point didnt HIT hit the spot (i didnt find this after this realization, but again, theyre not even on the boat 🤧) so i was feeling a bit incomplete. i started ranting and ranting it was a wholeee wall of a text of what I would do with a titanic story and i realized oh wait i can Do Something with this because i haev free will and actual (somewhat) coherent skill. pepper jumped on the wagon, REALLY REALLY encouraged which i cant thank enough for, and….we’re here. its brewing. i had a very large interest in the titanic for a long time before this tbh, so being able to insert it into The Interest just JUMPSTARTED my brain and it still does to this day. now for the plot….

its 2020, a year after the apocalypse (no pandemic). anathema, newt, brian, crowley, and aziraphale have been assigned to plan adam’s 12th birthday party—they shenanigan, as you do. on the day of the party (adam’s birthday) anathema and newt find a chest in jasmine cottage’s attic full of titanic relics, including a pack of polaroid photos (handheld cameras did indeed exist in 1912, i checked !) which kinda might sort of have a photo of aziraphale and crowley!?!?! it was sent to them about six months before. but after the whole Second Volume fiasco, anathema just sort of wrote it off in that way and Hid It. but newt was curious, he found it, and god it was writtent his way wasnt it. (well, not by the nutter they were thinking of actually). anathema confronts them about itsoon after, and they all sit down to hear the story of the titanic in a sort of rose dawson beat. then its 1912—50ish years since the holy water incident and almost a century since the resurrectionists disaster. aziraphale has been assigned to take this trip to new york for Some Reason (we found out why later) and happened to invite crowley to come along to attempt to make amends after Allat (he really does feel bad, but he will NOT do the holy water thing yet </3) shit occurs, but history atlarge will not be rewritten. it does change their story, though. adding a sprinkle of interest in the device family line. agnes prophec(y)(ies), dancing on deck under the stars, playing cards with humans and winning by a Lot, aziraphale’s artistic skills are put to use at one point—ughghgufhits just so DEAR TO ME!!!!! and of course the conflict will come later, especially considering the religious connections to the titanic sinking—“not even God can sink this ship” type conversation 🥰 aziraphale can and will be made uncomfortable. its for the character development dont worry about it. i even have a playlist for this fic (it sorted by the way the tone shifts thru the story, some songs are silly but they had to stay). pep has also made some song covers to some of the songs that ive heavily connected to the fic and I REALLY FUCKING LIKED. LIKE A LOT. THEYRE AMAZING YOU SHOULD LISTEN IF YOU WANT TO!!!!

the point of all this is that i like titanic fics and im trying to throw my hat in the ring even if its just for me and my friend 🔥🔥 because while others have fed me, i havent seen ones that have documented like Every Single Day on the titanic that aziraphale and crowley would theoretically have as well as developing aziraphale and crowley’s relationship while taking into account whats happened before (insert the story into a part of the timeline seamlessly i think thats how i’d describe) AS WELL AS connecting the reason why the titanic was such a freak tragedy and how the world is not fucking fair instead of just “oh whoops the thing sank 😞” i want NITTY GRITTY DETAIL!!!!!! I WANT GUILT!!!!!!! I WANT CHAOS!!!!!!!! I WANT TALKING ABOUT GOD!!!!!!! I WANT AZIRAPHALE IN A MENTAL CRISIS!!!!! I WANT CROWLEY JUST WANTING TO FUCKING LIVE FUCKING PEACEFULLY!!!!!!! I WANT LESBIANS!!!!!! i need to get on this,,,, so much to do. i love it all and TY FOR THE ASK!!!!

[maaxverstappen]

I’ve been asking ppl cus im nosy. What’s your writing process like if any? Do u have a preferred place or time. Preferred device. Do u write rough drafts then edit or is it much more considered. How do u decide that an idea is worth fleshing out or pursuing if it looks like it’s plotty. Pls yap at length if u so wish — wiz

i love this question!! and would love to know other answers so if you want to reblog them i shall be on the lookout 👀.

i answered partly here so will just like build on that!!

the process is that i’ll have an idea and depending on how large it is write out some sort of outline. my preference for all planning in life is on paper so i have a little journal that ill write out some ideas in. kind of brainstorm / mind map style of just jotting down random ideas that come to mind.

however, with longer fics like my current post-as-i-go wip i have to do it digital bc so much changes and it’s too long (see pics in previous ask). that one i actually started planning in my notes app on a plane bc the idea had to come out of me someway and i was really excited about it. i then transferred it to a google doc and added onto my chapter per chapter outline (1st pic in previous ask). i felt like that was a bit overwhelming for understanding the overall plot so then i went and made a simple overview of the key plot points per chapter (the 2nd pic in previous ask) just so i felt like i had a better understanding of the goal per chapter.

now when i sit down to write a chapter ill get both the detailed notes and the main plot points and just write whatever i feel like in order to get to the goal of the chapter.

for shorter one shot fics i’ll either have no full outline or a one page idea list kind of thing. for instance, for worth the trouble i knew that it would start and end in the present time and then everything in between would be a flashback, but i didn’t know the flashbacks would be non chronological until i was writing it. same for the chewing gum aspect that ends up being quite an important part of the symbolism and that almost weaves the parts together, that wasn’t a *thing* until i was almost finished with the rough draft and i then went to add it in to previous scenes.

for my long fic i have to be a bit more calculated with the hidden messages/foreshadowing as i can’t go back and edit published chapters lmao so that is a little more thought out + i keep track of loose ends to tie together at some point.

editing is a bit of a harder one. for my long fic my overal editing is per chapter, but i do tend to go back and edit per section too. like right now I’m writing a texting scene and first i wrote the plain texting dialogue, then i went back to add the bits in between from characters’ pov. then i’ll read over it fully and edit where needed. finally when the whole chapter is done ill read over it and edit again, but at that point it’s mainly grammar and punctuation.

my main writing issues i’ve noticed so far is that i tend to switch tenses without realising so that’s something i look out for when editing. i also am always worried they don’t *do* enough so i like to think “hmm what action can i add in here to make them more human” when editing.

so far only worth the trouble has been beta read, the rest i do myself. if I’m stuck i will talk through a lot of it with my partner who will give me some ideas and just like help lmao (she’s also the one that beta read wtt!). but she’s not in the f1 fandom so it’s a little hard to have her beta read for characterisation and specific plot points so i do that myself. like when she beta read wtt she gave a few points of feedback that weren’t too relevant bc the average f1 fic reader would understand (like the significance of spa21, there is no need to explain it).

I’m a baby fic writer so a lot of my process will be redefined and refined as i go I’m sure.

as for deciding what to write, it’s really whatever captures my attention. the prompt for help me hold onto you is one i really liked and a trope i love reading myself. i was also ready to challenge myself to a longer plot fic and i was really excited about the idea so i just went for it! my main consideration is really just how excited i am for it.

i will say that i am currently really struggling with perfectionism / imposter syndrome. I’m having a hard time getting the words onto paper bc it feels like it’ll never be as good as my favourite authors anyway so what’s the point. (which is now also impacting the way i read fics bc it makes me sad that ill never write anything as good as what I’m reading lol)

i generally write on my laptop! in a google doc with grammarly activated and the word count on screen (which pisses me off bc i have to turn it back on after every refresh). i wrote my latest crafty!oscar on my phone (bc i was too excited to wait till i got to my laptop) but wouldn’t ever do that for anything much longer or plot-ier than that.

i fear this has gotten very long. i know u said yap away but …. i perhaps have yapped too close to the sun.

[dnangelic]

i just wanted to send some positive words your way and let you know that i absolutely adore the way you write both dark and daisuke. it's clear you put a lot of thought and love into both of them, and your posts have always brought a smile to my face. i'll never forget the shock i felt when your blog popped up in my recommended and, i was on call with my boyfriend at the time, he hears me go 'NO WAY, ARE YOU SERIOUS?' before i slapped the follow button LOL d.n.angel holds a special part of my early teenage years and your blog brings the warmth and nostalgia i felt all those years ago. i almost feel like that 14 year old again, giddy over a silly anime and kicking my feet with excitement every time i see your posts c: thank you for being such a joyous presence on my dash

YOOOO YOU FOUND ME FROM TUMBLR RECCS???? that's so funny... i always thought that thing was useless but i've been proven so wrong LMAO. I'M REAL THOUGH. I'M SO REAL!!! *DOES A JIG* I'M SO GLAD MY BLOG CAN MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY TOO 😭🤧PLEASE IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME. dnangel is such a weird series because it feels like everyone's at least -SEEN- or heard of it at least once but then it's still weirdly niche?? like there's not really anything for it esp anymore and nobody talks about it esp now that it's finally finished (manga-wise) after 30 some years but it's still like. most popular/easily recognized niche series ik off the top of my head JJGJKFKJ TYSM FOR UR COMPLIMENTS OVER MY PORTRAYAL TOO!!!

making this blog was such a good exercise in my own growth because going back to it sugisaki had such BANGER themes that i didn't even notice or totally grasp at first when i myself was in middleschool, so i feel like i'm lowkey compensating and paying proper attention to everybody now that i have. well. better critical thinking skills and media literacy DFKJKJGKJKJ even going back i was kind of surprised how it dealt with such dark topics like grief and death and the consequences of Playing God or sins and cycles when like.......... it's also a silly little dramatic rom-com about middleschoolers and immortals but it still never leaves you feeling hopeless or lonely, which as also sugisaki's intention with the series!! it's so nice!! i really wanted to be able to emulate the overall messages of her characters and loving art esp since it ends up so meta for us writers. i'm just happy to write!! doesn't have to be perfect or even exact, since i do take a tiny bit of creative/hc liberty with my own inspos and portrayals for dai n dark! but i'm always having sm fun interacting with everybody, AND I RLLY APPRECIATE U TOO!!! 🙇🙇

i'll probably be around for a looooong time bc dai n dark r just as much treasured and influential for me (i was also one of those 14 yr olds, i have embarrassing dnangel merch on top of piles of manga laying around, im certifIED REAL FAN /J) but it makes me so happy my posts bring u joy. im glad bc i know i can post/talk ooc a lot before i get the time to actually properly sit down and Write but that's just how it is for a lot of us kjgkjgfb anyways, thank u again!! things like this rlly help my confidence since actually at the start i had no idea if i could do like... a protagonist (daisuke)/'popular' (to me. dark/dnangel is popular and legendary and overwhelming in the eyes of the tumblr populace to Me-) chara any justice, but im put at ease any time i get such warm feedback like this!!! 💐💐💐FOR YOU! u get even more flowers this time straight from me!!! go buy urself a treat for being so nice!!!

[jelixpo]

i know ive sent an ask before, but i just have to send one again after reading the epilogue.

i’ve been here since the comic started, and it’s been such a thrilling adventure to follow this incredible story you’ve made for them. the characters have so much depth, they act so human, and i feel like thats an important key that a lot of artists miss about their favorite characters.

it’s been amazing to watch how your art style developed too, how it changed, improved, and fit so well as the story went on. your work with displaying emotions is amazing. i love how you draw them, as well as writing emotion! the text bubbles, different fonts, i could hear the emotion in their voices in my head as i read it.

this story was genuinely such a rollercoaster of emotion and i couldn’t ever stop reading. i think i’ll forever read it once or twice a year as i remember it, LOL. i know it’s silly to some people to be so emotional over some webcomic about a super mario ship, but i loved every bit of this. i’ve smiled, cried, yelled, and rolled my eyes over this comic.

i’m sad to see it end, but at the same time, i’m glad you’ve finally finished it and you have a break from the work it takes. and trust me, i know it’s a lot! i’ve had many failed comic attempts in my art history.

the epilogue was completely phenomenal, and i do hope we see some more art of them from this little comic universe! even if it isn’t big, fancy, colored work. i just hope we see some more of them every now and then!

thank you for this fantastic work of art. and congratulations on finishing it!

- .luiigis

thank you so much.

So often when working on this comic I was worried that the characters weren't behaving realistically. I wasn't so much worried about accurately portraying their in-canon personalities, but I at most wanted to make their personalities and reactions believable. I'm so glad that could come across.

Watching my own style change and adapt has also built my confidence in my artistic abilities. I know what I'm capable of and I have a better understanding of where my limits are when it comes to drawing for hours (or days) on end.

im incredibly flattered that you'll take the time to reread it in the future. I'll be doing that myself this week

For me it's a huge relief to see it end, both because it's a huge truckload of work off my shoulders and because the story gets to actually have an ending. I know there were serious times were I thought about abandoning this story and I'm so glad I was able to push myself through those breaking points and bring this story to a conclusion that I'm immensely satisfied with and exactly as I envisioned.

You will most likely see bits and pieces here and there of this version of the bowuigi gang, but I can firmly say that this is where the main story ends.

again, thank you

[spidersocks15]

Don't know where else to write this,i just need to get it off my chest for once. If you read this, you don't need to interact, this is mainly for myself.

It's been a bad day today, one of many and probably many will still follow. Tomorrow may be better,as tommorows tend to be. Now im just done again. Life again seems meaningless. I try my very best to get somewhere in life, to get an education, to then get a job and to hopefully manage it on my own later. I'm now 25, no prior diploma, still at my parents, just trying... but it doesn't feel enough, even if I give it my all. I feel less than everyone else, even if I don't have it as bad as most people. I'm in university, wonder by wonder, trying to get a bachelor's degree. And even tho things go allright, I feel I process so slowly. 3 years has past since I first started, and I'm maybe halfway through it. But I feel I'm getting worse with age. I'm not as smart is I thought I was, not as good as I thought I was, not is functional as I hoped I would be. I live in a country where I don't know the language, don't know the people, and the only lightpoint I have here, is my mother. I would do anything for her, she is basically the only reason I'm still alive and trying. I gave up living for myself long ago, so I now live trying to make her proud, to show that I actually... well I don't know. Am not a waste of life? I like reading how you need to live for yourself and make yourself proud, I know that's not for me. I learned to accept myself and my shortcomings, that's as far as I can take it. My plan is once I get my bachelor's ,to go back to my hometown try to get my life going on there. But I'm actually scared as hell. Scared to not being to function on my own. I dont know if I can live alone, have a job as I never had any (privileged much, I know), just function in general. There are people beside my mom that I love and that would fight for me and help me. I'm allways suprised to think that they exist. I love them dearly and don't want to disappoint them too. They know of my struggles, maybe not that it runs this deep. I'm even suprised that it runs so deep writhing this. I have mostly felt the same like this throughout my life, maybe more optimistic when I was younger, but I just was inexperienced about live then. I am still now, maybe a little wiser or more narcissistic for it. Something is wrong with me, God knows that if many people felt like me,there wouldn't be many people left. I'm not broken, that would indicate I was whole to begin with. I am just me, and that's just fine. I just wish I wouldn't have to feel bad all the time. There is allways this anger,hate,anxiety and God knows what other feelings in the background. I can feel happiness, but its mostly short-lived and gone before I noticed it. I looked for help, been seeing therapist since I was 10. It just doesn't work. That's probably the main reason I study psychology, looking for a way to fix myself. People allways come to me for advice and I am allways so gratefull if I can help them and see them doing better. I can finally be useful. But everytime I try to use the things that I learned on myself, it might get the edges of in the best case. I've been taking antidepressants for 15 years, and if anything, it takes the edge of too. I can't imagine how I would be if I didn't take them, might have ended it all together or I wouldn't leave my house anymore like I did back then. But I don't live it much now either. It's either going to my mom or to my eldery neighbors to play card games. I dont know how to connect with peers, I dont even understand their language. English is an option, and I do have some meaningful connections online,but I guess it isn't the same. I do have 2 friends my own age back in my hometown that I contact regularly. We mostly hang out once a year when I visit them. But even when I used to live there, it was different. I dont know if I don't have the need for social connections or don't know how to make them, I wasjust fine with chatting regularly and hang out every few months. I guess I feel the need more now I'm a bit older and feel isolated. Maybe I'll figure it out if I ever get back to live there.

I know I'm complaining and how pathetic it all sounds. I have some ideas on how to fix me,but i get so exhausted to think about them. Being social in general allready takes so much from me. Can't have 2 big social days without getting burned out. Even if I like it and enjoy every second of it, I can't be socially functional enough without needing a rest of at least a day.

If you read this far (I don't even know why you would) you might think What the hell is wrong with this person? I have no idea myself. What i do have, is an asperger diagnosis, but i feel I can't blame it for everything. I dont want to blame anyone, not society, not the world ,not even sure if i can blame myself for feeling this way.

I'm just doing my best, going on through life. Hoping on better times, that undoubtedly come, they allways do. But another bad day will come too, and they come more frequently than the good ones unfortunately. Killing myself is no option in my mind. It would just shift the problem. The people that Iove (bless them with my whole heart) would blame themselves, that they couldn't stop me or help me. So I go on, living for them and see another day.

I feel better getting this off me now, it will be better. Please,i hope that it didn't depress you if you really got this far. Venting is something I do, now I had to get a whole load off that I couldn't tell someone I know,so this seemed like a good option. You are not alone and things will be better, remember that. A phrase they allways tend to say to broken people, that is still surprisingly true.

Now I'll play some games and watch some videos to get my mind off of things. Tommorow, I'll start studying again,maybe even tonight. Never give up

[imanes]

hi imane! i hope ur doing well <3 i just wanted to ask: what do you do during times of uncertainty? im a uni student abt to go on placement and I've been applying for part-time jobs that's centred around my field but to no avail sadly :/ i wanted to save up at least so i wouldn't stress during placement and everything's so overwhelming.. there are other external factors that's making me feel this way too like a friendship break-up i had few months ago and its affected me quite badly but im starting to pick myself up again. anyways sorry for the rant and i hope ur day is lovely x

hey! just sat down after hours of procrastination to work on my dissertation and i wish i were done already akjdkfgj but it could be worse!! ok it's gonna be long and probs unhelpful but i know that you wanted to vent more than you thought i was holding some solution so I'll just ramble and hope something resonates with you lmao <3

for me uncertainty makes me feel like my life is in shambles, it's hard to cope with things going south and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but during my yearly flop era in march/april i had a talk with a friend who's much older, wiser, and more experimented, and basically it helped me put things into perspective and learn how to let go. there are only so many things that you can control so i split my different issues into different categories for a more systemic approach to my problems lol: things that i can actually somewhat control (my emotions, my reactions, my efforts, what i can do moving forward to alleviate some of my stress), things that are out of my control (how people misconstrue me, external stressors like shitty coworkers, refusals from jobs i was applying for) and things (and people) that i don't need in my life. learning to let go of things for me internationally infamous control freak was not easy but it was liberating, idk if you're religious so if you aren't the next part isn't going to be helpful lol but i don't think i should be chasing things because i am exactly where i am meant to be, and if i start clutching at the things that aren't meant to be in my life, it's just my ego getting in the way, and i prayed that Allah just lets me find the place that i would fit better in and that He'd take me away from it if i wasn't going to be doing or feeling good there. i guess the non-religious version would just be to trust the process and understand that things in life wax and wane, whether it be job opportunities or relationships. obviously there's like a plethora of other factors like what do i do if i can't pay the bills and stuff? that was how i was thinking just a couple of months ago when my dissertation was not writing itself and nobody was hiring me! but a few weeks have passed and looking back on it i was starting to chase things again and it made me feel like i was stuck in a rut when in fact it's normal for things to take some time to settle down and for opportunities to arrive.

so basically whether you stress about it or not, literally nothing is going to change except the way you frame it in your head. for me i just continued applying and gave interviews my all while also being detached enough to simply trust myself to find the space that i was meant to occupy eventually, and after many many many rejections i finally found something a week ago, but it took a couple of months of steady job application to get there. looking from the other side of the mirror it's easy to say things like "don't get discouraged!" but it is true that if you keep throwing shit at a wall something's going to eventually stick, hence the power of consistency and of never giving up.

i'm glad you're slowly building yourself back up after your friendship break-up, i know how much it can drag you down but again some people are meant to be with you for a season only and at the end of the day with the effect of time making things more bearable and by working on your self-esteem and knowing that you can do things that you set your mind to, whether it is finding a part-time job or picking yourself back up, in a few weeks you're gonna look back on where you were mentally at when you sent me this message and where you'll be then and you'll thing "well i guess things DO pass huh who would've thought!!" lol life is a cycle of stability and unsteadiness, doesn't matter how much you prepare something's always going to go sideways but another truth is that things fall back into place again and you have to have faith in that, in yourself, and maybe in something else like i am w/ my relation to religion if u need extra help. speaking of help if you have a support system, confide in them and let them carry some of that weight for you!! you'd do the same for them so don't feel like you're a burden for needing help when you are facing instability. wishing you the best of luck and i really hope you find a good part-time job before your placement babe

[moonjxsung]

ita officially been like 2 weeks since i visited your blog which is crqzy to me because used to be here every day and send in a message at least once a week idkw happened to me star 😭😭

i feel like i feel better than i was before but im still like really just mentally tired in way where i cant really bring myself to do anything 😞😞 its ok though i feel like im getting better!!

hru star?? how was valentines? i miss talking to you and sending you little asks patiently waiting for you to reply being all excited abt it like a little kid waiting to open their christmas gifts the night before 😭

my valentines went okay! my friends got me flowers and i got chocolate for them in return (⇀‸↼‶)⊃━☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟits officially been over a year since i last dated anyone since i broke up w my last ex a few days before february started in 2023

i feel like ive just been avoiding dating or relationships in general cs my past experiences just turned out pretty shitty and i dont think i really see a point in it anymore

i think its working out pretty well for me though cs i actually ended up getting a lot better and a lot less insecure and stressed, etc afterwards 🥳🥳

excuse my little rant but sending lots of luv even though i havent been here on a while!! luv u sm <3

~《☘》

HI BABYYYY I MISSED YOU !!

I feel like so many of us have just been going THRU it lately ☹️ it’s been a tiring 2 months for sure but I feel like I’m finally starting to be where I need to be and I’m finding inspiration as we get closer to spring! I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been in a bit of a slump, but also don’t apologize for being absent! I’m always here if you need me, go take care of yourself whenever you need to and know that I’m rooting for you all the while 🫶

I’m doing GOOD !! I’m still super busy with work and my best friend is getting married in like 8? Days?? Which is CRAZY to me bc how is February almost over 😧 I’m also turning 25 in like 2 weeks or something and I am terrified BUT I am almost done writing this book and I’m still aiming to get it out before February is over (hopefully the weekend of my friend’s wedding so yall can be entertained while I’m gone all weekend👼) and I just feel so INSPIRED !! My Valentine’s was good too, nothing special because I remain sworn off dating entirely but I was very busy at work so I live vicariously through my coworkers and their love lives 💓🫶 I also totally get the notion of feeling like you’re growing when you’re not in relationships, since focusing on myself I’ve been so much more successful in every sense of the word and I have zero distractions so I can sit around and write poetry about skz all day long. It’s great 🤸‍♀️ but also please know that if you ever do decide to put yourself back out there again, you deserve to be with somebody who will make you feel loved and appreciated the way you deserve!

Sending you so much love my lovely clover, I’m always here for you 💕💗🩷👼💖💓🎀 I LOVE YOUUU

[gontagokuhara]

OKAY I FORGOR💀 TO MENTION THIS actually idk if I already said this but I LOVE the way you write kokichi? Like kokichi's jesterism clowncore energy is not talked about enough in this fandom, he's not just a lying troll, he can also be a corny little canned-bit filled jokester! He can be your angle! Or yuor devil! But he and Kaede give off such an "annoying little brother"/"exhausted oldest sister" vibe in pointy objects it never fails to make me laugh and also feel feelings!

Also ngl writing my lil (literally >2k) review gave me the energy to do my writing assignment so thank you for indirectly but also directly contributing to me not failing my class LMFAO

hi hello!! first of all thank u again for ur very sweet comments i keep rereading them . actively working on the next chapter and i reread them like an hour ago <3 also you are so me re: the writing thing literally i am writing this long ass response out as a warm up to getting started on the chapter again I SEE U. solidarity u got this class

as always below the cut because i like to yap (no spoilers butttttttt call it a small hint of what's to come next chapter)

ANYWAY !!! im glad people like that choice <3 his general silliness tends to get lost in canon in the midst of such a heavy fraught situation (where his dumbass is instigating fights constantly......) and so i feel it more natural to have it bleed into him in pointy objects you know? his backpack also offers just unreal opportunities for clownery and i can't help myself. i have issues with a lot of canon/fanon portrayals of kokichi so with him (as i do miu, and kiyo, and kaito, etc) i like to do the classic mogul move yoink & twist. i take character that needs fixer-uppering, mash 'em around like playdoh, and make them mostly the same but......better in my humble opinion. i feel like i do that pretty well with kokichi, and hearing those choices are appreciated makes me very happy <3

in that vein the kaede/kokichi dynamic is SOOOO important its one of my favorites ive worked into pointy objects i think. justice for my real protag kaede BUT her biting the dust so early both robbed canon content of what a friendship between them could look like. but it also gives me LOTS of room to pick up their barbie dolls and make them have good moments together. speaking of pointy objects canon, they arrived at camp within about a year of each other, before a lot of the other mainstay demigods began living there full time. gonta, miu, kaede, maki, and kokichi spent a lot of time as the only ones at camp; kids like kirumi/tenko/himiko/angie/kiyo are all summer-only, and full-timers ryoma, kaito, and kiibo came later (ages 14, 16, and within a few months of sonia giving them a soul [roughly the same stretch of time as ryoma's arrival], respectively).

all that lore TO say: kaede and kokichi grew up together in a lot of really important ways, and the dynamic that developed over the years very much is that exhausted older sister/exhausting little brother who are fiercely and kind of unexpectedly protective over one another. i could go on about all of the early full-time campers' dynamics because there's a lot within those five especially that i've like. developed in my brain? but havent fit into the 170k words 💀 the mind palace of spiderwebbing character relationships is very vast for how much has actually made it into the fic.....but wink wonk we WILL see a taste of it this next chapter

and finally, re edits: i did my one BIG edit fest back in may, and since then there haven't been any major changes. that said, i do reread the prior chapters quite often (checking details to make sure new writing doesn't have any discrepancies, getting myself back in the headspace to write shuuichi's voice, etc) and do occasionally find typos or phrasing or sentence flow i like changed, so i do fix those as i see them. that said, i DO know what you're talking about with chapter 3; that was a chapter i did pretty majorly redo in may, and there was definitely some redundant word use and odd sentence structure i went back and corrected. but i haven't made any changes that drastically alter the contents of the story; not more so than i did back in may, at least!

ok this as always got very long but it was as always very fun to answer!!!! thank you again for all your support MWAH MWAH and im sure we'll make contact again soon enough!!

[lindenmori]

ok i finally found the words to verbalize what feels so wrong to me about this whole villain trend.

im afraid that for some people, it has become the trendy new self deprecation bit.

we used to have "ahaha life has no joy in it i want to die im going to kill myself im worthless" all over everywhere, which maybe has let some people acknowledge and verbalize for the first time that You Have Struggles in the short term, but in the long term, repeating this all over again just makes you internalize it and believe it more instead of looking for joy, and telling that to others all the time just convinces them of that rather than garnering you help.

thankfully theres been a huge uptick in recognizing that this doesnt actually help you in the long term and replacing it with better thoughts! yay!! but it seems that now we have "ahaha i am an evil bad villain and/or wheres my villain as a friend/partner" instead, which in the short term, as i can perfectly understand, can help you acknowledge You Have Natural Human Flaws and youre still capable of being loved With Flaws, because since you are capable of loving a person with flaws, then someone else can love you with your flaws. but in the long term repeating it all over again probably just makes you overinflate your flaws, overlook your goodnesses, and write yourself off as some incorrigibly bad heartless person, and/or as someone who deserves only people that are selfish uncaring and toxic as your friends.

i understand something as simple as liking some villain character on its own isnt a Mental Problem, but when you start identifying yourself or your idea of people you want with that, it could be good to think that maybe you dont need to throw your very own self out into the Bad Person Garbage Bin? dont do the bullies job for them?

[rattlingheart]

i finally decided to sit down and write out how i've been feeling.

Am I selfish? Am I jealous? Am I a bad person to the people I care about? Are they bad to me? I don’t understand why it’s so wrong of me to have wants. All i want is someone for myself. I want someone who would do anything for me at any time. I want to be cared for, i want to be loved and i want to be wanted and needed. Why is that so bad? I want my own person. Everyone else has their own so why cant i have one too? Every time i try to explain it i end up looking like the bad guy. Maybe my actions arent great and maybe i feel things too strong but none of that would matter if i had someone who understood. Nobody ive ever talked to knows what im going through because everyone at one point or another has had their person. They dont know what its like to think you have someone and then lose them to someone else, over and over and over again. At this point it just feels hopeless and im starting to feel like an idiot for ever thinking it could happen. I know it sounds conceited to think im the only person to ever feel this way but thats just how it feels. I want to be wanted so bad it hurts. Every day i spend alone makes me feel worse and worse. I dont know how much i can take. I want someone i can call and theyll answer right away, happy to hear me and ill be happy to hear them. I want to be able to have hours of conversation while also being comfortable with hours of silence. I want someone to think of me in a romantic way. To want to take me on dates and bring me flowers and show me how much they love me. I want to be so yearned for that it makes their stomach hurt. I want someone to be sad when they cant see me and angry when i talk to someone else. I want someone to put my picture in their wallet, or put a photo of us on their lockscreen. To be the first thing on someones mind when they wake up and the last thing before they fall asleep. In my eighteen years of life ive never come close. People say everyone has their time and everyone has their person, and i want to believe that so bad. I wish i could trick myself into being okay by myself and to just accept that my time wil come and that someone will love me but i just cant. Do you know how pathetic that feels? To know you have the potential to love and be loved but to never feel it? To just be fooled over and over to the point of not knowing what it feels like to have a crush anymore, not knowing if they actually want to get to know me or if they just need enough of my interests to get into my bed. I would love for someone to want to know me.

I want someone to know everything about me oh my god. I want to tell them everything about me and they tell me everything about them. I want to know someones deepest secrets and for them to know mine. I want to not be judged for the way i act, think, and feel. I promise i wont judge you if you dont judge me. I just cant understand why this is too much to ask. I want someone to meet my parents and my friends. I want to be a part of someone else's family and theyre a part of mine. I want to be thought of when holidays come around, and for them to know my birthday. I want them to ask if im coming over for dinner or if youre coming to mine. I want to be seen as a pair, if one of us is there then so is the other. It doesnt have to last forever, im not asking for a marriage partner, just a taste. I just want to dip my toes into the pool of love, i dont have to swim in it. Eventually i want to meet someone that just pulls me in with them and drowns me. I want to be smothered with love until it makes me sick. It would feel so much better than being alone. I cant even imagine how it would feel to be introduced as a girlfriend. For someone to show their family and friends my picture and to be excited about it. I hate begging for things but please. Its all ive ever wanted and yet its making me into a monster. I dont feel like myself anymore, i feel like a shell. It feels like my heart is just rattling around in my body making noise for someone to hear her. The butterfly in my stomach is dying, she hasn't fluttered in so long. I want her to be happy again, for me to just think of someone and she does somersaults around my stomach. I want to be nervous to go on a first date, maybe even a second or a third. I want to have a kiss at the end of the date like how it happens in the movies. I want someone to bring me home and want to see me again. I want to be a girlfriend, i cant wait until the day someone asks me. I think ill die right there in that moment. I want to say i love you. I want someone to say they love me every time they see me, every time they leave my presence and every time they enter it. I want people to know that im loved, and to know that i love the person loving me. I want to love someone so hard that just the thought of not having them in my life makes me sick. I want it to make me cry and i want them to comfort me and say it will never happen. I want them to lie to me. So that when the day eventually comes and they tell me they no longer love me I can have faith that ill find someone else to love me. I want to have a breakup that hurts me so bad i cant leave my bed and i stop talking to people for weeks. I want to lay in my bed and rot away just reminiscing over the way they loved me for so long. I want to know the feeling of having my heart ripped out of my chest and taken from me. I want to know the feeling of growing a new heart for someone else. And for that person to nurse me back to health, back to my original self. I know its strange to want heart break but as someone whos never experienced it, i want to know what its like. I want to experience every aspect of a relationship. I want to fight and argue. I want to apologize and make amends because we both know it isnt worth it to be mad at each other. I want someone to tell me that theyre sorry, and that theyll never yell at me again. I want someone to run their fingers through my hair as i lay my head in their lap. I want someone to hold me, hold my hand, hold my body, hold my heart. I want to put my legs on someones lap and for them to rub my legs just to know theyre there. I want to have someone to grab in a crowded room, to hold my hand so i dont get lost.

I want someone on the same level as me and i pray they never leave me behind. I just want to be loved and cared for the same as everyone else in my life. I want to feel like an equal to the people around me and not like an alien. Ive spent years building myself up for other people to notice me. Ive been noticed, but no one has cared enough to stay. It makes me feel so awful. Ive learned to keep things to myself, to not overshare. I try to go after what i want but it always ends badly, i always end up looking desperate. People use desperate in a bad way but i cant help but think, is that not what i am? I am desperate. I am so unbelievably desperate for someone to want me. I cant sit with my own thoughts or it starts to make me physically and mentally ill. I need someone to share them with. I need someone to talk to. I need somebody to be there for me. I need my own person. Someone i dont have to share and someone who will always be there when i need them. Someone who will know i need them before i even realize it. I think if i had someone to pour my thoughts onto and pour all of the love inside of me, id be doing a lot better. Im just scared that what if i find my person but they dont want me in my current state? What if im too much to handle and too much to take care of. I guess theyre not my person then. When i finally do find my person, someone just for me, they will love me for who i am, what i am, and they will see the good in me. Is that too much to ask?

[noxiatoxia]

hi im ur biggesgt fan anwyayi saw that you werre doing headcanons. cani get cinderella and karoug angst headcnaons thank you hhngnnf

thank you for ur stroke I will honor your final wish.

I have a LOT of Kaoru angst headcanons bc I'm a sucker for angst and projection sorry i am cringe but i am free.

So. I will try not to be VERY in depth about them all but I have a big hc that Kaoru has untreated/undiagnosed severe depression that plays into his self-worth issues. He's not actively suicidal but he is passively. like. if i die then that's ok. lol. and maybe he thinks about it sometimes but he'd never do anything if only bc he doesn't want to hurt hikaru. I do have a whole thread I update every now and then talking abt this concept. but the main parts really are. he's super depressed and has no clue how to express this bc he's stuck between being horrible at communicating + not wanting to worry anybody/being a burden so he ends up expressing them thru very cryptic metaphors and then nobody knows what he's saying. hence the carriage thing. (this is me coping with bad writing/hj).

When he's in his depression swings he tends to be very anti social. He doesn't want to eat doesn't want to talk. call him 12 cuz he dozen do anything. he just reads all day bc it's the quickest and easiest way to block out the world. however not moving and not eating makes his depression WORSE and this can really concern hikaru who quickly notices this behavior. thankfully he ends up forcing kaoru to take care of himself which pisses kaoru off for a few minutes until he starts feeling better.

During these episodes also he has a tendency to try and isolate himself from everyone, again bc of the whole self-worth issues. It gets so bad during these moments he thinks he genuinely either is making everyone's lives actively worse or he simply doesn't deserve people so he just tries to cut them off. luckily this never works especially with people like Tamaki or Hikaru because 1. Hikaru would NEVER give up on him ever and 2. Tamaki is the most persistent stubborn man in the world he would never leave Kaoru.

He gets nightmares a lot esp during these depression episodes and he tends not to tell Hikaru about them bc they're always really morbid either about everyone leaving him/him offing himself and he doesn't want Hikaru to worry. Hikaru can always tell something is wrong tho and stick closer to him that day.

Also, when he's upset, Hikaru does everything in the world to try and cheer him up. Try to make him laugh usually. Since Kaoru doesn't like talking about his issues, Hikaru tries his best to make him forget about them. Obviously he'll offer to watch Cinderella with him which if Kaoru refuses then he knows he's REALLY not doing well and then he panics and calls Haruhi for help.

Actually nice segue into the next thing. I assume you mean cinderella HCs relating to Kaoru and not. the actual cinderella property. Which i do sadly have a few headcanons for (i Stockholm syndrome'd myself into liking it) but I'm doing the former since that's what I think you meant.

Kaoru's favorite Cinderella movie is the original disney version, English. He enjoys the Japanese one too but he prefers the original. He says on a objective level the 3rd movie is the best, but the first is his personal favorite. He likes the critically panned 2nd movie and acknowledges it's not that great, but it's still fun and has nice stories and messages.

He has watched nearly all the live action adaptations of the Cinderella fairytale and thinks they're all enjoyable in some way, even if that way is being laughably bad. His favorite character in Cinderella besides Cinderella herself is Gus. he had a crush on the Prince when he was a little kid and a similar but lesser crush on Cinderella herself (bi rights). He can recite all the songs from memory and knows soooo many dumb fun facts. He loves the Cinderella GBA game and has beaten it many times. Him and Hikaru have long arguments over that game because Kaoru thinks it's good and Hikaru thinks it sucks for different reasons (this headcanon is born from the fact I myself have very conflicting opinions on that game that were SO opposite from each other the only way I could adequately express them to my friend was to stage it as an argument between Hikaru and Kaoru I'm not even joking I wish I was.)

The reason he loves Cinderella so much is kinda interesting. When he was a little boy and just learning how to read, a fairytale book in their huge at-home library caught his eye. One of the fairytales in it was Cinderella. He remembered really loving the illustrations, but the issue is, the book was all in English. He was just starting to learn Japanese, let alone English. Determined though, he found an English to Japanese dictionary and translated the whole thing. It took him all day to read that small fairytale and while Hikaru wasn't really paying attention they were inseparable so he just stuck by as Kaoru tried to read this. I guess the amount of effort and pretty illustrations made an impact on his little autistic brain and so he became enamored with the fairy tale. He watched the movie in Japanese and then later in English to help him learn English. The Cinderella movies in English actually really helped him learn the language faster funnily.

Hikaru, while supportive in his cinderella special interest, pokes fun at him for it a lot and soooometimes can get really sick of hearing about it all. the. time. He loves his brother to death but man. just. sometimes he wishes there was a mute button. He lets him ramble usually tho and he finds it silly if not a little endearing most of the time. one time Kaoru found out Renge was a big fairy tale fan and she also liked Cinderella (a normal amount, not like he does) but still they struck up a veeeery long and complex conversation about it that Hikaru was lost in during the first 10 seconds and so he sat with Mori that whole time bc Mori is silent and he just...needed the silence right then and there...

during their birthday one year Hikaru (as a joke) got some Cinderella decorations which embarrassed Kaoru but made him incredibly happy. During the small party Kyoya noted that they had a "Lucifer" plush on the shelf (the cat from cinderella) which prompted Kaoru to go on a 20 minute ramble about how it's actually a rare 1999 run of the plush that he acquired at an auction and he told the whole history of its production line. Kyoya had. a lot to write in his book that day.

ALSO whenever hikaru pisses haruhi off. she goes and buys a discount bluray of a cinderella movies and gives it to kaoru as a gift. bc she KNOWS he will excitedly run home and go "look what haruhi bought for me let's watch it right now!!" and hikaru will have to sit through cinderella once again. and everytime. hikaru knows haruhi is doing this to piss him off. so he makes it a point to act cheerful about it and make kaoru think he's enjoying himself because He Will Not Let Haurhi Win.

ok. ive gone on long enough. my last addition will be said by my kaoru both here:

[johobi]

TW: binge-eating

Below: A general ramble about ADHD, meds, returning to leisure projects and, finally, an outpouring of gratitude from a soppy bitch:

This is becoming more of a ‘Jo updates about her mental health’ blog but 😂😂 it’s good news! I am a month/6 weeks or so into titration of my new ADHD meds and they have literally made every aspect of my life better. Not overstating it, and I’m already out of the ‘honeymoon’ period. I am currently studying at home, unprompted, and have been doing so the last 3-4 weeks. I finally feel like I am on a level playing field with ‘normal’ people. My self-care, my sleep hygiene, daily routines, they’ve all improved and I’m maintaining them everyday. This has never happened before. I have also stopped binge-eating which I never even realised was probably linked to my lack of dopamine.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I might be able to fulfil my potential rather than scrape by thru sheer force of will alone (will that eroded to nothing and resulted in a lot of academic self-sabotage. Even though it’s crap it got to that point, hitting rock bottom is what helped me realise that there was something very wrong).

So now what? Im studying regularly, keeping routines, can finish projects, actually engage socially with people and take on some extracurricular demands, such as becoming my course rep. I am so unbelievably happy these days that it almost feels too good to be true. I never knew what it was like to be satisfied with a day’s work or that I had ‘earnt’ my leisure time.

Now that I can sit down and work regularly, I’m thinking about writing these days. I can see myself at my desk, doing it, and enjoying it again. Without the exhausting internal struggles I usually go thru. I do have a lot of work for uni to do and that is always going to be my first priority, but now that I’m catching up and controlling things, I am going to start pencilling in time to write into my diary (!! Yes, I have a diary, and I actually use it now, rather than buying it cuz it’s pretty and then letting it collect dust.)

Sorry for the extremely long ramble, if anyone is still here and has been for a long time, or if you’re new and stumbled across my fics, I sincerely apologise for not being consistent or reliable, it’s painfully obvious why, now, but yeah. I just want to say thank you so much for reading this nobody’s writing and literally giving me lifelines every day when I’ve visited very dark places.

Every engagement I ever had with you meant something to me and I do not understate this. Writing and talking with you was an escape but I don’t feel as though I need to escape anything anymore, I can do both harmoniously.

I really hope you’re all doing ok and thriving. We all deserve to. I love you 💗🥰