#im also horribly depressed and tired so that might have something to do with it

[aho-dapa]

hi i just found your account and i just realized we kind of have the same problem with sjm but went 2 different ways about it. i read the books in like a week during a depressing episode so i didn't retain all that much and the parts i didn't like i just replaced (mostly bc i felt like the books were lacking in so many aspects that i don't feel bad basically rewriting it in my head). but the way i went about it is mostly changing the characters i want to like (rhysand, feyre, nesta) and just pretend they didnt do things that didnt make sense to me or they had good reason to do it. i was always bored with tamlin and the high lord of the night court is so up my alley so i just make rhys a little better in my head. i hate that sjm set him up to be morally grey but didnt make the darker parts in the right place if that makes sense? like i dont mind questionable morals in a character if it's to protect their family or people which is kind of what sjm started doing but then made him kind of a bad high lord? and i dont think she even sees it like that tbh bc i know she loves rhysand so i think she left the shitty situations in hewn city and illyria like that to set up plot but didnt stop to think what it would mean for rhys to not do shit about those situations. i know some people have theories that rhys might end up being a villain and is just manipulating feyre and the sisters but i think that's giving sjm too much credit tbh. i think she really leaned into the romance and the rest kind of morphed into the background but honestly i do love romance so i feel like i ended not minding it as much as other people at times. i'd rather have romance than a messy plot which is what sjm gave us (especially in acosf). also none of her characters have that much depth to them (feyre, nesta and rhys are probably the ones that have more but their actions don't always match with how sjm led us to believe they were) so i dont mind just making stuff up in my head like for example mor, she barely has a personality so i made her up one bc i wanted my proper lgbt representation.

anyway im sorry im ranting on your blog like this but it's interesting that so many people can agree that sjm set up a good world but the plot and characters ended up falling flat. and it's funny that the readers end up making the characters more interesting in fanfiction whether it's making rhysand the villain or making up how i think sjm meant him to be

I completely understand!! When I first read ACOTAR, I did the same for Rhys and Feyre because I truly didn't mind them until ACOWAR and sjm's constant inconsistent character writing caught up to me and my suspension of disbelief.

Also I think rewriting characters her characters in our head to make them more entertaining or relatable is something this fandom thrives on. A lot of people like Nesta because they relate to her even if the cabin years are a narrative mess. I personally relate to Tamlin too because of this both because and despite how his character was written.

Yeah, I also don't really mind rooting her or liking morally grey characters or even downright horrible people because sometimes they're just more interesting to me personally. In a sense, Rhys has a bunch of contradictions that don't mesh well because of sjm trying to make him some paragon of moral goodness when his character never even functioned that way even in the beginning.

I also like the villain manipulation Rhys hc but I also don't think that's where sjm is going with it. She fumbled too hard with Tamlin’s arc of abuse to suddenly make the mastermind move with Rhys.

Tbh it's really fun (and tiring) making up new canon adjacent personalities for her characters. I think the maybe unintentional problem with this is that the fandom uses those characterizations in critiquing characters or even hating them.

[keefwho]

September 02 - 2023 Saturday

6:50 PM

This morning was going well, I just stuck with the first thing I thought of until I got bored. But I fell into my old habit of not knowing what to do. I also started to get pretty lonely but didn't know where to turn for that. I still kinda am but I am hanging out in the TDS server mostly because I have nowhere else to go. I'm a social refugee. I hope tonight improves.

7:10 PM

I'm just a sad, bored person. Doing the same shit over and over that makes me upset. Maybe I need to crack down on those exercises I said I was going to do. I have been halfassing them after I said I was going to go hard so I could finally start making some progress again.

I am soul-crushingly lonely tonight. I hate myself for it because it's all my fault. There are people I could hang out with or things that I could do to hold me over if only I could actually focus on any of it. But Im always so sucked in my own thoughts feeling dreadful about everything.

Im having the thought that

Tonight sucks, I'll be lonely until bedtime. I'm just a sad person who can't possibly pick myself up and have fun. I'm stuck where I am, bored and alone. This is all I will ever be. Tomorrow I'll either feel guilty about not going to town to get my own groceries or I'll go and realize how much it sucks and how hard life is and how it never ends. I hate weekends, I hate them so much. By default they are becoming horrible days no matter what. I'm so sad that I let it get like this. Why can't they just be fun anymore.

If I could just get some perspective on myself. Instead of doing something, literally ANYTHING, I'm stuck wallowing and going ADHD on Twitter, Youtube, or Twitch. I could pick literally anything to do and it would be better than what I'm doing. There is no wrong choice in that regard.

9:00 PM

I hate myself today and have chosen to succumb to depression. I just can't try tonight, I'll sulk and dread and do nothing all I want. I hate everything, myself the most.

Maybe I'll watch Fionna and Cake like I've been wanting to but I wanted to watch it with someone. But no one seems interested so maybe it'll just be a me thing.

I was also gonna drink 4 drinks tonight like usual but I might only stick to 3 since tonight sucks and I have to go somewhere tomorrow morning. I could have 3 tomorrow too then.

9:20 PM

I'm doing this stupid self destruction shit where I put my Discord on DnD and closed it so I don't know if anyone messages me for awhile thinking it'll help. But I know I'll open it back up eventually and find that nobody messaged me and I'll feel 1000 times shittier. Or someone will and I'll regret having muted it. There is no winning.

10:04 PM

I hate being alone, I don't want to watch Fionna and Cake on my own. But here I am.

Who would have thought this show would remind me how detached from everything and everyone I feel. My heart is empty and closed off, thats why I am alone. I have nothing inside of me /

10:56 PM

I'm tired of being alive living as this failure. I just want to stop

I let myself down and everyone around me today. I know what I'm doing. How I'm acting only serves to damage myself and the people around me. I just don't know how to stop it sometimes so the best thing I can think of is to not act at all.

[kazuwhora]

GLOOMY DAYS — TOKYOREV

ft. mikey, draken, chifuyu, mitsuya, kazutora, && baji

cw: implied mental health struggles and angst, but also fluffy, not proofread, depression, anxiety, mental illness

summary: sometimes life just sucks. this is how the tokyo revengers boys will help you deal with your gloomy days <3

an: im just out here trying to distract myself from the reality of chapter 222 :(

mikey

- mikey has a hard time reading your emotions and will often find himself stuck on words, feeling slightly guilty that he may have been too insensitive or too oblivious to your shift in mood and behaviour.

- lets be honest, he's not all that emotionally mature. emotions, especially struggles with emotions, are not his strong suit, but seeing you suffering to just get through the day throws him off much more than he ever expected it to.

- for someone that puts on a persona based around being aloof, for you mikey finds himself highly susceptible to your shifting stability, especially considering he's the one to typically lean on you for support.

- but he'll try his best, he really will. not knowing what else to do (considering words is out of the question), mikey is the type to just try and make you comfortable. he'll go out of his way to make you tea when you wake up, he'll fold the laundry for you (albeit horribly, and you'll have to redo it later anyways), and he'll try his best to keep your shared space as tidy and stable as possible. you might even feel like he's walking on eggshells at times.

- mikey will notice you struggling to do much beyond move from the bed to the couch, and this is when he feels the most useful. once it starts getting more downhill, he'll feel this weird sense of responsibility that he's never really felt before to get you out and distracted.

- distraction. that must be his thing. he'll think, tossing his helmet in your lap where you nested on the couch. "I wanna go for a ride" mikey will whine, in the slightest tone of annoyance and demand. he wont take no for an answer, even when you huff and tell him you don't really feel like going out on his bike. "But babe :(" cue the pouty face, arms crossed at his chest and he might even do a little stomp for dramatic effect. how could you deny that?

- he'll take you down along the water at sunset, he'll try to tap into his childlike ways and make you stop at food trucks lining the streets and beg you to get a snack with him, he'll do all of this in an odd attempt at trying to bring out your nurturing side, desperately trying to re-ignite your usually sweet self. it might just work if he tries hard enough.

draken

- unlike mikey, draken is actually pretty good at knowing how to handle and take care of you when you're feeling down. he wont ever say it, but he notices the way your steps get slower, plans begin to thin out, and your eyes get tired when the rainy season begins. day in and day out of darkness, clouded by a thick fog and heavy rain that weighs on your shoulders more than it should.

- draken hates seeing you like this. he can't explain it but it makes him mad?? he's irritated that something so measly as the weather can shift your mood so drastically, but he's able to put that aside to deal with the real issue at hand: how to help.

- he's a man of service and dedication, so he'll start with putting your favourite blanket of his in the dryer to warm it up, bringing it to where you're sitting and wrapping it around you like a giant warm hug. he'll leave his arms there, draped around your shoulders, chin resting in the crook of your neck. he doesn't even have to say anything. the presence of his embrace is enough, protective, loving, and warm.

- when he notices this only works for a moment, he'll find himself slightly frustrated. but it wont stop him. he's stubborn, and determined to somehow make your days a little brighter. "d'you wanna come to work with me?" he'll ask, not really sure how that helps but it's the only thing he could think of. "you could be my assistant? I could use someone pretty like you to help me out for the day"

- you'll notice he's much more talkative when you're like this. not that he isn't talkative normally, but he's clearly trying a lot harder. he would never just ask you to hang out with him at work, it's uncharacteristic of him. yet here he is, stretched out on the couch with your legs on top of his, asking you to join him at work. the effort he's putting in is almost enough for you to break.

- "I'm good" you'll reply, and he'll finally let out an audible groan. "please let me help you-- I just want you to feel better" to which you'll let out a soft chuckle, one that brings the slightest of twinkles to his eyes because NOW he's done something. and that's enough for him to keep trying.

chifuyu

- sweet chifuyu is no stranger to your struggles. he prides himself on being an empath after all, and is anything but disrupted by the struggles you're going through, and honestly he's the best person to turn to in these times of need.

- its my personal belief that chifuyu is an excellent piano player. he'll get you all cuddled up in his clothes, make you a cup of tea, and just let you listen to him play. his favourite is chopin's nocturne, so expect to hear it quite frequently. he might even take requests if you ask nicely.

- don't worry about chores when chifuyu is there to take care of you. he's already taken care of it. the dishes, the laundry, anything that might add another stress to your shoulders has already been dealt with by him. as much as he hates seeing you this way, he loves seeing the anxiety drain from your face when he tells you not to worry because he's taken care of it all.

- you two definitely have a cat, and he definitely encourages lots of cuddles. he'll bring it from whatever room it was sleeping in, and place it in your lap where your soft strokes will elicit the gentle hum of a purr, coaxing your mind and topped off by the soothing pressure of chifuyu's lips resting on the top of your head.

- chifuyu will also be the type to run you a bath, every single night. he'll make sure it's the perfect temperature, he'll light candles, he'll bring you a glass of wine, and drop the sweetest of bath bombs in the water and leave you be. that is unless of course you request him to stay with you. in which case he's happy to both join you in the water, or sit by your side. after a couple episodes of this depression he's invested in a mini projector for his phone where he'll broadcast your favourite comfort shows on the wall while you rest in the warmth of the water.

- he really just loves you so much and makes it his entire life goal to get you through these times.

kazutora

- kazutora is like a less emotionally aware version of chifuyu in these situations. he wants so desperately to help, but he's never really been aware of the emotions you're faced with because his coping mechanisms have always been violent and toxic to those around him. but in a way, experiencing your lows alongside you has taught him a lot about his own emotions, and how to empathize with others in their struggles.

- he'll try exponentially hard to make you happy. at first it will be too much- far too overwhelming for you to process. it can only be described as something along the lines of love bombing. he's not energetic, per se, but he's just intense. desperate to renew the dwindling light inside of you because if that goes out, what does he have left? in a way, a lot of his emotional stability comes from you, so when you're down he's left lost and starving for a solution.

- he learns with time though, just how to make you feel better, and he feels like kicking himself for not realizing how simple it was sooner. all you need, is his love and care. it's a hard thought for him to process, because kazutora has a hard time believing that he could ever be truly loved, or love someone else the way they want to be loved. but he can see it in the way you soften beneath his touch when he cozies up beside you on the couch, nestling his head into your neck and moving your arms to reach around his torso in a one-sided hug. you'll smile down softly at him, almost pitying him for being so touch starved. who was the depressed one again? oh right. not him.

- he has to remind himself of this often, and when he did he would perk up, eyes bright, suggestions picking at his brain. "do you wanna watch a movie? you can pick! I promise I wont complain!" even though secretly he might to himself, especially if you pick something he isn't particularly interested in. but just the pure nature of his attempts to lift your mood is enough to make you giggle, knowing just what will happen if you don't pick something you both like.

- you'll settle on howls moving castle, one of his favourites and yours too. the relief in his face at the decision of what to watch will again, elicit a giggle to fall from your lips. in turn, kazutoras eyes will once again light up in satisfaction, eyebrow raised as he'll cock his head to stare at you in surprise. "am I making you laugh?" he'll tease, already knowing the answer and you'll respond with a gentle shove. he'll secretly pat himself on the back for this accomplishment, excited at the progress he's made thus far.

- "I love you baby" he'll coo. "love you too kaz", said with an eye roll and the hint of a smile. "say I love you! not love you! don't you love me??" you just might have a soft spot for a pouting kazu, and he just might know it too.

baji

- at first baji is defensive and a little intense about the dramatic shift he's noticed in your demeanour. usually you can match his energy quite well, but now, something feels off and the only explanation he has for it is either he did something to you, or someone else did. baji did not like either of those options.

- it takes many conversations to convince baji that nothing in particular is wrong, things are just hard. he doesn't get it, so he'll go to chifuyu for advice who will smack him upside the head and tell him he's dumb and that he just needs to be there for you.

- of course, that answer isn't good enough for baji. instead, he'll make it his own personal goal to get you out of this funk one way or another, and it will become somewhat of a competition with himself in his head. no way will he lose. nope.

- it can be overwhelming, and he'll constantly report both his accomplishments and his losses to chifuyu, who can do nothing but shake his head at baji. he'll offer his advice, but it will fall on deaf ears. baji is going to do this the way baji wants to.

- you might need to be serious with him a couple times, especially when he's trying to push you out of the house to do things he wants you to do in a desperate attempt to help. but as much as it exhausts you, you know he just wants to help so you really can't blame him. eventually he'll start to understand when he notices certain activities burn you out a little more than others, and he'll keep mental notes (which end up being texted to chifuyu as a record of success) when he accomplishes anything that resembles you acting like your normal self.

- baji isn't a cook. but he's happy to order your favourite food every night and share it with you. its a win for you, and a win for him. he'll eagerness to please you in this state makes you chuckle, but don't let baji see it because he'll jot it down to send to chifuyu as proof that his plan is working.

- honestly baji is just going to be the one to distract you from everything with excitement. lots of tackle hugs, lots of pinning you down with kisses, lots of late night walks in the park, pinkies intertwined and swinging through the cool seabreeze air. once you're beginning to return to some sense of normalcy, baji will do anything to prevent it from ever happening again, even if he knows it's out of his control.

- "I'll do anything for you babe. you know that right? I love you so much I hate it!"

[ambria]

everytime // Sirius Black

Sweetener x Marauders

play ‘everytime’ by Ariana Grande <3

pairing: sirius black x reader

word count: 2.3k ✨

warnings: angst, fluff at the end, mentions of drinking, under-age drinking, partying, depression?, mentions of drugs and drug use, someone trying to take advantage on the drunk reader, crying? Let me know if I missed something.

This also might have a few time jumps

A/N: I wrote this in 1st person but I feel like I should make these in 3rd so that’s what I’ll start doing. But this is also my first time making a one-shot fic so cut me some slack if it’s trash. But I hope you enjoy!

I get tired of your no-shows

Taking in the warmth through my fingers I look at the door once more before glancing at the clock.

He’s late. Again

I take a deep breath to cool down my nerves and sigh. I sip the rest of my butterbeer before looking at the entrance once more and packing my stuff and walking out. I look around once more before giving up and walking back to the castle.

You get tired of my control

As I’m walking back I start to get more irritated by the step. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Always too busy to hang out because of him with his friends or too busy because of pranks. The missed dates and the interrupted times. All for his friends. I’m clearly not a priority in his life and that has to change or I’m not going to be in it.

Walking through the castle I collect my thoughts on how I’m gonna approach this situation. But since I’m so pissed off, I’m gonna take an angry approach.

I walk up to the gryffindor common room and say the password before walking in.

As I stepped into the common room, lo and behold, the marauders spread on the couches talking loudly and laughing. Seeing that made my blood boil. As I walk over I catch the attention of the brunet,

“Y/N!!!!! Hey!!!” The Potter boy called out. I gave a weak smile. Which caught the attention of my boyfriend.

“Hey, babe.” He smiled at me. I internally roll my eyes and keep an emotionless face on. At this point all the attention from the boys is on me.

“Hey. Can we talk?” In the corner of my eye I can see Remus and James glance at each other and look worriedly at Sirius. Yeah. They know better.

“Uhh. Sure. About what?” This time I rolled my eyes. I ignore his question and grab his hand before dragging him up to his dorm.

We enter and I close the door before leaning on it. He goes and sits on the foot on his bed.

“What do you want to talk about? We were in the middle of planning.” Bouncing his knee, I can tell he’s getting impatient and just wants this to hurry up and be done with this. I get even more annoyed at this.

“What do you want to talk about? We were in the middle of planning.”- I mocked him- “This is exactly what I’m talking about! You’re always busy! Doing this and doing that!” I start to raise my voice. My face starts to heat up due to my anger. I try to calm down but it doesn’t seem to be working.

He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off,

“Where were you today?! I was waiting for you! For our date that YOU literally planned!” His eyes widened with realization and looked at me with a guilty face. But I’m too pissed off to care.

My eyes start to water with tears of frustration but I’m nowhere near done,

“Everytime I want to hang out you’re always busy with your friends and pranks! You never have time for me anymore!” At this point tears are streaming down my face and Sirius doesn’t look that far behind.

“This is the third date you missed! Because you forgot! I’m done with being second best. Im probably not even that!” He has his head down, hands on his knees.

“I—I-I” he stutters out what I think is going to be some wack apology. But I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.

“No. I’m done.” As soon as I said those words his head shot up fast and looked at me with wide eyes.

“No-” he goes to protest but I cut him off again.

“No I can’t do this. Not anymore. This has gone on for too long. You need to fix your priorities. I hope you don’t treat another girl like this. I’m breaking up with you, Sirius.” I don’t wait for a reply and I simply walk out of the door and walk back down to the common room, wiping my tears.

They keep telling me to let go

As I make it to the common room I notice the boys are still there. They see me and go to talk but a loud sound cuts them off. Items getting thrown around, is what I guessed it to be.

We all freeze and guilt washes over me. It’s Sirius.

But I don’t really let go when I say so

I turn my head to the staircase with a sad expression before brushing it off.

I had to. I deserve better. I thought to myself.

I look over to the boys to see that they have worried but knowing expressions on their faces. I gave them weak smiles and walked away to my dorm.

I keep giving people blank stares

Drama travels fast around here at Hogwarts. So it wasn’t long until word got out that infamous Sirius Black was single again and back on the market.

My friends are starting to get worried about me because of my reaction to the breakup, or lack thereof. I know how to keep my emotions buried. I know it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism but I refuse to be sad over a boy who treated me like shit.

I’m so different when your not there

What they don’t know is that I cry myself to sleep. Everyday. I close my curtains around my bed and put a silencing spell around it and sob. For hours. It’s pretty sad.

But I keep my neutral face on for everyone else. From what I know Sirius isn’t doing much better. He’s just more open about his broken heart. Lily tells me he mopes around and doesn’t speak much anymore. Let alone prank anyone.

Everytime she tells me about him being sad it makes me want to run out the room and find him to cuddle with him and kiss him and apologize profusely for the break up.

But I remind myself that it’s not my fault and that I deserve better.

It’s like something out of Shakespeare

Because I’m really not here when you’re not there

I tried to fight our energy

It's been three months since the break up and I have developed some pretty bad habits.

I’ve secretly been drinking to numb the pain. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to stop.

Once all my roommates are sleeping I drink by myself on my bed. It helped in the beginning but now I can’t stop.

I’ve perfected my fake smile so no one could tell the difference. Well one person did, but I was unaware.

I’m in a deep depression and I have no one to talk to. None of my friends know, I can’t tell them. They won’t understand.

Meanwhile,

“Pads, you can’t keep moping around. She’s moved on, you should too.”

“No, I can’t. I still love her.” Sirius said but due to him being face first on his pillow it came out muffled.

“Well then you’re going to have to work your way to get her back. Show her you’ve changed.” The werewolf suggested to his friend.

“Really?” He picks his head up to face his friends, red and puffy eyes with a hopeful expression.

They nod.

But everytime I think I’m free

As the weeks pass I start to receive notes and letters with little flowers attached to them. I know they are from Sirius but I can’t seem to open them and read. It’s too hard and I’m not ready yet.

You get high and call on the regular

Once I reach my empty dorm I run to my trunk and collect all the saved letters. I place them on my bed and chuck my shoes off before climbing on my bed while getting comfortable.

I sort the letter from how I received them. I slowly open the first one,

Dear y/n,

Looking at us now I regret a lot of things.

I don’t blame you for not seeing us together in the future.

I was horrible, but for you I am willing to change. No. I will change.

You deserve so much better and if you let me I could be that person.

But I have to fix myself in order for that to happen.

If you're willing I would love to have another chance.

forever yours,

Sirius

As I finish reading my eyes are cloudy with tears. I continue to read all of the letters.

And by the end of it I’m sobbing.

I get weak and fall like a teenager

I knew it was a bad idea to read those letters. Because after that I am ready to run back into his arms and express my love. But I can’t until I know that he’s changed.

I deserve better. I keep telling myself that.

Why, oh why does God keep bringing me back to you?

Everytime I see him now I try to avoid him. Everytime he’s in a room, I leave. Everytime class is over I run out before he gets the chance to talk to me.

Because I know if I take one look into his beautiful stormy gray eyes I will fall all over again. And that can’t happen.

I deserve better.

I get drunk, pretend that I’m over it

It’s Friday night and today is the big Gryffindor party. Being stressed with liquor and drugs is not a good combo but I haven’t been safe these past couple of months.

I’m in my dorm room getting ready. I decide on a natural glam look with a bold red lip and a black satin body con dress with some black heels.

As I’m walking down the stairs, I can hear the music blasting and the red led lights are turned on. I part from my friends and immediately head to the liquor table. As I’m walking I fail to notice the pair of eyes following my every move.

I take a plastic red cup and I fill it up with the hardest liquor I could find on the table. After downing the cup I refill it and make my way over to my friends who are currently in the corner smoking what the muggles call ‘weed’. It’s strong but it helps me relax. Who knew muggle were so helpful.

Self-destruct, show up like an idiot

About an hour into the party everyone was either high, drunk or both. Which I was. Again me with my unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I ended up dancing in the middle of the room with a huge group of people. I feel eyes on me but I’m too drunk to care at the moment.

As I’m dancing I feel someone come up behind me and grab my hips. I turn around to see a random 7th year boy. He begins to trail his hands on my body.

He leans down to whisper in my ear,

“How about we go to my down, sweetheart?” His hot breath makes a shiver run down my spine, and not in a good way.

I began to shake my head while saying no but he clearly didn’t get the message because he gripped my wrists and tried to pull me with him. But because I was too drunk I couldn’t defend myself properly.

As I continue to struggle I see a person step in front of me, glaring at the boy,

“I suggest you let her go. Now.” I heard a familiar voice, I couldn’t tell who from my drunken state. Once the person turned around a smile involuntarily appeared on my face,

“Siri! Hi!” I giggled as he guided me away from everyone.

“Hi. Let’s get you somewhere safe.” He picks me up bridal style and starts to carry me up to the boys dorms and to his room.

I yawned and cuddled up into his chest,

“I’m still mad at you.” I mumbled. He set me down on his bed and goes to his trunk to take out some clothes,

“I know.” He said, sadly. As he’s helping me I go on a mini rant,

“You know you treated me horrible. I just wanted my boyfriend but you never made time for me. You missed dates, you cancelled on me a lot. And whenever we had time together alone you had to leave early. I just wanted you to give me your love and attention. But I was never a priority. I miss you so much, Siri.” After he tucks me into his bed he kisses my forehead and responds,

“I miss you too, baby.” He goes to walk away but I grab his hand. Which makes him turn around and give me a questioning look,

“Please stay.” I pout. He smiles and climbs into the bed with me. I turn to look at him,

“Cuddles?” I ask him with puppy eyes.

“Cuddles.” I snuggle up next to him with my head on his chest and my legs bunched up with his. He puts his chin on top of my head and begins to play with my hair.

“You know, I still love you. And I’m willing to give you a second chance, Siri.” I can’t see him but I can tell he has a huge grin on his face.

“I love you too, pup. Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.” I start to drift off but before I do fully I feel him kiss my forehead again and whisper ‘I love you’ one last time before the darkness engulfed me.

Why, oh why does God keep bringing me back to you?

****

Taglist: @blackpinkdolan

If you want to be added to my taglist for this series message me or comment under the post.

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[preservationandruin]

Rhythm of War Liveblog, Part One Part Four (Chapters 12-15)

Previous Post

Onward! I feel like these posts are pretty long and don’t cover a lot, but then i remember that a lot of Part One every time is setting up what’s happening, and this one in particular we have an entire year’s worth of stuff to fill in, so I guess it’s warranted. 

Kaladin hangs out with friends against his will, I remember that Adolin is a Horse Girl, Mraize talks about the interplanetary economy, Teleporting Fucker is a Legendarily Sore Loser, I have high hopes for spren necromancy, and Kaladin asks Zahel for advice. 

We’re back to Kaladin, who is...not having a good time. He feels like he has to appear strong for Syl and the others, and not to let his problems affect them; he’s also hit hard by the feeling that Bridge Four is something that was in the past, not something that’s consistent and now. 

“Hey,” Leyten said as they reached the tower entrance. “Rock! Got any stew for us maybe? For old times’ sake?” Kalaidn turned. The word “stew” pierced the cloud.

Rock can’t, he’s busy, and Kaladin goes to his rooms--which are sparse and empty, even though he has pretty good accommodations--and tries to self-isolate, which...mood. He starts going into what seems like a panic attack (paralyzed, curling into the fetal position, thoughts spiralling to what Moash was talking about) when the door is near-literally kicked down by Adolin and Syl. 

(will i use this every time Adolin does things? probably) 

Adolin manages to drag Kaladin out of his room, in what is--honestly--a pretty good way to do it for someone who is depressed--he makes the point that Kaladin doesn’t have to be happy, he doesn’t have to pretend to be happy, but he should be miserable around other people. And he does it in just...a very Adolin way: 

“You spend too many evenings alone, bridgeboy,” Adolin said, glancing at the nearby exhaustionspren, then grabbing Kaladin by the arm--something few other people would have dared.  “I like being by myself,” Kaladin said.  “Great. Sounds awful. Today, you’re coming with me. No more excuses. I let you blow me away last week and the week before.” 

I love that “blow me away” is Roshar-slang for “blow me off” 

Kaladin tries to lash out and say maybe he just doesn’t like being around Adolin, Adolin dares him to say, with an oath, that he should be alone right now--and Kaladin can’t, because--of course--Kaladin shouldn’t be alone right now.

“Ha,” Adolin said, tugging him along by the arm. “Come on, Brightlord Master Highmarshal Stormface. Change your coat to one that doesn’t smell like smoke, then come with me. You don’t have to smile. You don’t have to talk. But if you’re going to be miserable, you might as well do it with friends.” 

This is so good. I think on some level when you self-isolate, what people want (or at least, what I want) is to have someone willing and able to drag you out of it despite the fact that you don’t want to be around people--and I’m so glad that Adolin is that person. 

Kaladin demands to know why Syl got Adolin of all people, despite that scene literally showing why Adolin was the perfect person to bring, and Syl responds that she needed someone Kaladin couldn’t intimidate...and, in the end, Kaladin ends up thanking her. 

And then we go to Adolin’s favorite bar, where Veil is waiting, where the gang just start hanging out--and Adolin and Veil start talking about trying to set Kaladin up with someone. This is about the moment where I crowed in victory, because while I didn’t see this specifically coming up, Adolin and Veil being drinking buddies who are a) overly-invested in Kaladin’s love life and b) end up talking about attractive people together IS something I called at the end of Oathbringer. Bi Disaster Drinking Club lives. 

(Casper, Adolin isn’t confirmed bi-- Listen. listen. give me this.) 

“Oh, don’t be sour,” Veil said, smacking [Kaladin] on the shoulder. “You didn’t even glance at her. She’s cute. Look at those legs. Back me up, Adolin.” 

I love all the Veil and Adolin banter we get here, because it only gets better--Veil asking for details of one of Adolin’s past relationships, Adolin trying to get out of it, Kaladin getting to enjoy time with his friends even when (maybe especially when) those friends are ridiculous. And then we also get another good moment of Adolin and Kaladin friendship when Veil goes off to gamble--Adolin asks Kaladin for advice for how to help Shallan with her own issues, but the advice Kaladin gives is also good advice for dealing with Kaladin, which Adolin knows and did on purpose. Kaladin asks why Adolin hasn’t become a Radiant yet, to which Adolin says that he’s not a good fit, he guesses--but the real reason, of course, is that Adolin refuses to give up Mayalaran. 

Listen--by not giving up Mayalaran, Adolin is proving himself the Edgedancer she deserves and I will die on this hill. 

And then things go back to being sad, because Rock is leaving--going back to his people to recieve judgement for breaking their rules by killing Amaram. He says he probably won’t be returning and hugs Kaladin, who gives him a few other members of Bridge Four as an escort--some of his kids, including Cord--the Shardbearer--stay in Urithiru. 

I deeply suspect this will not be the last we see of Rock, because there’s no way in hell, but it was both touching and really sad at the same time. 

We move back to Shallan the next morning, going through her day while Adolin is out horseriding; I can’t believe I nearly forgot Adolin is a Horse Girl, despite literally everything about Adolin being prime horse girl. Shallan gets a message about a spren coming to negotiate--probably one  of Sja-anat’s spren--and she visits her brothers as well, sketching by their fire. 

We get that she’s researched DID--or, the Rosharan understanding of DID--and the results haven’t been heartening, with people who have DID mostly being objectified and ridiculed. It also notes that memory loss is a common symptom, which Shallan notes she doesn’t really experience. 

Mraize shows up at her brothers’ house, both as a threat--his cover is an older soldier who is known to be clumsy and could, in theory, injure someone around him--and to talk to Shallan. We get more of the goals of the Ghostbloods--they’re trying to set up an Investiture trade across the Cosmere. Which is actually super smart--investiture is pretty easy to come by on Roshar, which is the entire reason Vasher/Zahel is there. I can see Nalthis in particular loving a way to sustain their gods that, uh, doesn’t involve sucking out souls. 

Mraize also basically confirms his mole is a lightweaver, which...I’m really hoping this isn’t the case, but I’m starting to suspect the mole is perhaps Formless, or a similar Alter of Shallan’s. She’s had some weird logic gaps that she doesn’t understand, and we just got the mention of alters maybe not able to remember what each other are doing. 

Now, I really hope that’s not the case, because that’s a tired old trope with DID--the evil alter ego. It’s really tired and awful for people who have DID, so I hope that’s not the twist here. 

Anyway, Mraize gives her her next job, which is going to find Restares--who is in the honorspren citadel of Lasting Integrity. Mraize says when she meets Restares, she’ll know what to do, and that once she completes that, she’ll get all the answers she could want from the Ghostbloods. 

We go back to Venli in Kholinar; a new group of Fused are here for bodies, and Leshwi is worried about one of them in particular--one of the fannahn-im, Those of Alteration. We meet the Nine, leaders of the Fused who are in pillars fused to the floor of their chamber, which Venli points out is just dooming the people whose bodies they took to a horrible form of entombment. 

Venli can feel Odium watching, which I responded to with “come on motherfucker, 1v1 me.” Listen, I would die, but what a way to go. 

The Teleporting Fucker--Lezian the Pursuer--is one of the Nex-im, Those of Husks, who are the Ninth Brand. He doesn’t defer to the Nine and claims Kaladin has to be Fourth Ideal because he “couldn’t be defeated by an ordinary human.” Which is hilarious, because he was. You were defeated by an ordinary human whose powers were blocked. Kaladin is just that good. 

Anyway, he claims he now has to go kill Kaladin because his whole deal is that he murders any human who kills him: 

“Milennia ago, Lezian was the first Fused to be killed by a human. To avoid the shame of such a death, upon returning to life, Lezian ignored all orders and rational arguments--and went into battle seeking only the man who had killed him.” 

So he’s a loose cannon who everyone goes along with because they can’t stop him and because he developed a legend around his stupid decisions? Got it. I’m really amused that this guy’s entire thing is just being Roshar’s Sorest Loser. Anyway, Leshwi disputes his claim and says that she has first dibs on killing Kaladin--Venli notes that Leshwi probably doesn’t even know that she’s trying to protect Kaladin. 

Guys, I can’t believe Fused war tactics operate on the dibs system. Also, this feels just like a continuation of my joke that everyone in this series has a type and that type is Kaladin. 

Anyway, then we meet the new lady who Leshwi is worried about--Raboniel, the Lady of Wishes. She was one of the Nine but stepped down to become more active; Leshwi talks about how she is a scientist without morals, whose plan the last Desolation was to release a plague that would affect Singers as well as humans and actually did, but fortunately didn’t have as great an effect as she hoped. So now biological warfare is coming onto the table. 

Raboniel pushes to seize Urithiru to strike against the humans; she created the anti-powers Fabrial and now wants to reverse the “Sibling’s heart” to nullify radiants in Urithiru, although she notes that Fourth Ideal ones could pull through--and she wants to experiment on the Sibling, who is effectively a deadeye. 

This is interesting, because we’ve already seen a deadeye start to respond to people--Mayalaran. Is spren necromancy going to get a day in the sun in this book? Please, please let spren necromancy through the power of friendship be a plot point. 

Anyway, Leshwi offers Venli to Raboniel as an aide, while wanting Venli to spy for her on Raboniel’s plans; Venli is happy about being on this strike, because she wants to see if she can find someone who can teach her how to be a Radiant. 

We also get this good note from Leshwi, which--to me--calls back the fact that there’s a whole narrative about if war can be honorable happening here: 

“Extinction is the natural escalation of this war,” Leshwi whispered. “If you forget why you are fighting, then victory itself becomes the goal. The longer we fight, the more detached we become. Both from our own minds, and from our original Passions.” She hummed softly to abashment.

We get back to Kaladin, who pushed through the worst of his depressive episode (although I would note that this could support the idea that something Odium-y is making it worse; now he’s in the Tower, it’s Regular Depression which he’s better at dealing with). Sigzil has now been put in charge of administration for the Windrunners; Kaladin tried to make it Teft but Teft was like absolutely not, fuck you for suggesting it. 

Kaladin goes to find Zahel, wanting to talk to him, and finds him doing laundry; on the way he talks to Rlain, who is overseeing people growing plants by gemlight and music, which is how the listeners used to do it. Rlain gets excited at the mention of an honorspren who will work with him, but when Kaladin explains the situation, he demurs--understandably. 

“I will wait for a spren who will bond me for who I am--and for the honor I represent.”

Rlain--in particular Rlain, who knows the experience of being forced into partnerships and jobs you don’t want--doesn’t want a spren who sees him as a burden or something that they don’t want to bond, and that’s completely valid of him. 

Anyway, Kaladin finds Zahel hanging up bright scarves in the laundry; Kaladin asks Zahel if he should join the martial ardents as a solution to what he should do next, noting that Zahel “couldn’t give up the sword.” 

“Oh, I gave it up. I let go. Best mistake I ever made.” 

YEAH, AND NOW YOUR SWORD SON IS TERRORIZING ROSHAR, VASHER. 

Well, not terrorizing. Mostly it’s just with Szeth, who is...somewhere around here, probably. Somewhere Zahel is avoiding at all costs bc Nightblood would take one look at him and just start yelling. 

Zahel spars with Kaladin, fully exploiting the colored cloth around them and his own style of fighting while talking to Kaladin about why he fights. In the end, he says he can’t sponsor Kaladin--because Kaladin still loves fighting too much for him to really be an ardent. Kaladin also notes that Zahel fights like Azure--Zahel irritably corrects that she fights like him. 

God I really want to see Azure and Zahel on the same page. Vasher you can’t run forever. 

There’s also a meta discussion; Zahel talks about the different levels of invested beings, and how he’s had to update it from the time in Warbreaker he did the same thing. He notes that for people like him: 

“We’re spren masquerading as men. That’s why she takes our memories. She knows we aren’t the actual people who died, but something else given a corpse to inhabit...” 

So that’s both interesting and rather somber; “she” in this case is of course Endowment. I’m not entirely sure what to make of this bit, other than that it’s sad and interesting in that it draws a comparison with the Fused, who do a similar thing but instead of taking the shape/personality of the corpse they’re inhabiting, kill it and replace it.��

Also, I’m not sure Zahel is right, here, because Lightsong did remember his past as the story went on, and did remember emotional connection to people from his past. So there might be more there than Zahel is giving it credit for. 

[theanxietylifes-blog]

The Anxiety Life

Entry 1  

I cast my mind back to 2o13, black 2013......

My karate sensei announced he was quiting teaching classes, after 4 years and several belt grades into my training under his guidance. A teacher of not only karate, but a teacher of life, a figure I and so many other students looked up to, and were inspired by.

That's where it all came crashing down around me, that's what I believed to be the trigger.

The mental illness I would eventually come to nick name as the black dog.......  

       Back in the late 80's, in a time I consider some of the best times of my life, the nostalgia of those later high school years where I felt invincible, achieving in mostly anything I put any kind of time and effort into. Excelling in sports and music, all the things that the "in kids" were into.

Back then, as it probably still is today there were different social classes, or I guess a social pecking order at school. At the top there were the really cool kids, who were usually tough, and bent or broke the rules often, rebelling against any form of authority. At the other end of the pecking order, you had the straight laced somewhat dorky misfits and bookworms, you know the types, that would often go on and peak in life, becoming highly successful long after school days were long gone. I was neither at the top or the bottom of that pecking order, rather, some where in between. I had a good group of friends, and came from a good middle class home where home life was also pretty good.  

     Even in those salad days, as early as my later high school years It was there.....

and my first recollection, that I could remember when it started.....  

Standing at the light switch in my room, the last thing to do before I hopped into bed," ok turn the light switch on, then off, then on, then off, how many times was that,  

it has to be six times, ok jump into bed", my head voice now in full gear, loud, and relentless.  

"You better get get back up, and back to that light switch or something real bad is going to happen to you". Now back at the light switch again",1,2,3,4,5,6 on off on off", this cycle occurring over and over, before that inner voice was silenced, and I could finally go to sleep.  

Entry 2 Black 2013

 I think it was a month or so after my sensei, and life mentor left the Dojo when it began....

I woke around 2am in the early hours of the morning, feeling uneasy, but what was more unsettling was my racing heartbeat, and the horrible feeling like I couldn't take a decent breath in. The more I tried and couldn't, the faster my heartbeat raced,  and the more I panicked.....waking my wife up in the process I remember spiraling into a frenzied terror.

My wife was trying to calm me down, telling me to try and calm down and focus on measured breathing. But it was to no avail, I couldn't be calmed, I just kept yelling in desperate panic "feel my pulse, feel my pulse im having a heart attack, I can't breathe I feel im going to blackout at any second", but right at the point where I really felt like I was going to pass out, I got control of myself, I started to feel my breathing return back to normal, and after a while my heart rate slowed down, and although shaky from the ordeal after about half an hour and some comforting from my wife I felt ok.

Things got worse, a couple of nights later I had the same night repeated all over again, only this time, in my sheer panic, of once again feeling all the symptoms of a perceived  heart attack, the heart palpitations, some chest pains, difficulty with breathing, (hyperventilating), this time, t frantically threw some clothes on at the end of my bed, slipped past my still sleeping wife, and without any rational thought, grabbed my car keys, got in my car and sped off like a mad man, to the closest hospital emergency department, which was about 10 minutes away.  I had totally lost it, thinking I was going to die, I sped through red lights, driving as fast as I could, with only the single thought in mind, of making it to the hospital before I passed out,

I got there still frantic, I pretty much ditched the car anywhere I could, close to the emergency department.....

After some hours past, and a panicked wife that woke to realise I had gone MIA....

I got the all clear from the emergency doctor, and I made my way back home.

ENTRY 3

I have been in the workforce now for over 30 years, and I still don't know what I want to do in my working life, in fact as the years roll by I've  certainly discovered  more and more about  what I don't want, but feel lost when it comes to finding my purpose in working life, and for that matter  life in general.

I hate my job, I feel like i'm surviving, not really living, and I feel like my only friend

once i've clocked on, is time ticking away, until It's tools down and I can go home.

I'm constantly in search for a possible career change, I covert all the online employment guides, and career guides, I also take online career adviser tests, constantly trying to find my fit, but nothing has ever jumped out at me, screaming here I am, the career choice that's right for you....don't get me wrong, I am not afraid of further study and or training, or putting the work in, for the right role, but my fears lye in the fact that I am getting to, if i'm not there already, an age where a career change would be very difficult, especially when I still don't really know what my best career would look like.

ENTRY 4

People and socialising can make me feel tired, I feel like it takes a lot of energy to go out on a social outing and have to socialise with groups of people, even family social gatherings can wear  me down quickly. It's not like I don't like people, I work in a job role that sees me interact with people throughout my day, I know that I mentioned that I hated my job in my last entry, but it's not necessarily, the interacting with people part that I dislike about the job, I feel it's more the overall picture of my job, and how it fits with me as a person.

I feel my social skills have declined, particularly in recent years and especially the older I get. I find the art of small talk particularly hard, I think mainly because i'm of the philosophy, that if you don't have anything "real" to say, or something that has meaning, It's  better not to say anything at all. Perhaps this has been one of my downfalls in recent years, and why I don't have many friends, particularly close friends. The other point is, I guess I don't put in the effort required to maintain a friendship either, I suppose this all comes back to putting in the required  time, and effort, into building friendships, something I haven't felt a strong need to do. Maybe it might just be that I haven't found people that I naturally find interesting and I can relate to, friends that I don't feel the need to make forced, awkward conversations and interactions with, where I don't feel uncomfortable if I don't have something to say for the sake of filling in silence, where socilaising is actually enjoyable, and doesn't feel like it's soul draining.

Sometimes I wonder if I am normal. as I really like my own company a large percentage of the time. I have interests that I like to endulge a lot of my time with, and I am a very goal orientated person. For the sake of keeping my identity anonymous, I have chosen not to disclose my interests, only to describe how they play a part in my life.

ENTRY 5

I am a very nostalgic person, I find myself reflecting alot about the past.....I often sit and think about how the past always seems to have been the best times of my life, and how the present can never measure up to be as good. I often think back on the fond memories about late high school life, and my first years as a young adult, post high school in the late 1980's and early 90's.

Partnered with my frequent daydreaming and reflecting on life and the past, is my life long love for music. I think music is one of the greatest gifts in life. to me, there is nothing that can conjure up emotions and can elevate your "mood," whether it be, sadness, happiness, aggression, or any other state of mind, quiet like the power of music. One of the many joys of music is it's ability to serve as an audible photo album, a sound track to our lives. How many times have you heard a song on the radio, and it's a song that you may have forgotten about over the years, which you haven't heard since you were a teenager, all those years ago, in a certain time in your life, and then bam! those familiar song notes hit your ears, and there it is, and you are instantly transported back to that time, only, unlike a photo, a still frame captured in time, music is alive it's a truly awesome thing, that for a moment, can take you right back to that time, the smells, a girlfriends kiss, or some special accomplishment back then, a special thing that only the power of music can deliver.

ENTRY 6

Back in black 2013, I had many trips to the hospital, with varying symptoms that seemed like heart attack symptoms.....

It was on one particular occasion, where the hospital ran a thorough range of tests on me, which all came back normal, the doctor started asking me questions i'd never heard before, followed by a paper questionaire. This included questions like, have you ever thought about killing yourself, and do you often feel like you have a lack of motivation in life, and other questions along those lines. After submitting my answers to the questionaire, the doctor came in to discuss the outcome with me, and in summary, concluded I had Anxiety depression issues, and perscribed medication, and discussed having me see a phsychologist.

A couple of days after that consultation with the ER doctor. I woke up early one morning feeling like I wanted to jump out of my skin, I felt terrible, on edge and my heart was beating  100 miles an hour, and I felt myself loosing control, and spiraling into yet another panic attack episode.

Apart from that, I also had other horrible underlying feelings like, an over whelming sense of helplessness, and feeling like everything was just too hard to deal with, and I was just too tired to face the realities of life.

mental health

anxiety

depression

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[missing-x-teeth]

VENT AHEAD⚠️⚠️

Fuck man all of my one friend is asleep so I’m just gonna vent here

I’m so fucking stressed and anxious, I’m going to come out as trans(ftm) to my family tomorrow and I’m going to a new school that I know nothing about. Plus I’m gonna ask my teacher to let me go by he/him pronouns and my real name even though is not changed on the attendance or anything. Not to mention the fact in going to be going to school for the first time in like a year??? Since I skipped last year cause of how fucking depressed I am. And god I haven’t showered in days, and I don’t know if my laundry’s done. And god I’m gonna have to rake my own food to school since the caf is closed and I’m probably gonna eat nothing but a monster before school. Not to mention I’ll be running on about 4-5 hrs of sleep so I’ll look tired and act tired and I might make a bad first impression, and what if I talk to much or to fast or if I come off to strong or what if I come off as creepy and not outgoing enough??? What shoes do I wear?? Oh and I don’t know if I can get a ride so I’ll be all sweaty and gross from walkling. And I’m bloated cause it’s hell week so I’ll look fatter. Also my Acne has been ducking horrible. And what if I mess something something simple up and look like an idiot, i can’t do math IM GAY!!!!!! Ugaofhchjsksi I’m sorry I’m gonna give y’all some random pics to make up for me being a total snot rocket

[abiik]

@vhsgf replied to your post “this song made me realize i've never written about jason missing zoe”

heather this might be too forward and angsty of me to say (pls lmk if is) but now i am curious about zoe reacting to jason's death and then mirroring w jason coming back from the dead and then finding out his best friend is dead. like it sounds so PAINFUL but like. also i wanna know about it. heather what have you done i-

i had to put my hair up for this. im literally so emotional about this rn,,,like when am i not but STILL OKAY IT MAKES ME VERY [SCREECHES] (also a read more because this is fucking long im so sorry)

okay let’s start with zoe because jason’s death is a traumatic thing for her on like multiple points all relating back to when she was like elementary school aged (im pretty sure i have it where she’s like 8 ish when this happens). before jason and before going into the whole vigilante business – no matter what version of zoe you prefer – she loses her two younger brothers in a joker related accident. he kills them. and zoe… zoe is so,,, well she’s angry. because no one does anything. no one. not that fabled batman, not the police, not the fucking government – NOBODY. and she’s just supposed to keep living her life like everything is fucking fine because oh that’s just the way gotham is. and like why the fuck would she just keep living her life when her barely out of toddler aged little brothers are now dead?? why wouldn’t she want to do something about that?? why the fuck should she just let it roll off her back like no biggie?? (of course, this is a catalyst for her mother’s downward spiral and eventual disappearance, and then keme’s).

then of course, there’s zoe’s powers. at that age she didn’t really understand the extent of them, what she could do with them and all that, but as they develop and her own awareness of them develop, she is faced by like intense guilt and remorse. if only she’d been able to do something. if only she’d been there. if only she could’ve stopped the joker. if only, if only, if only. and like, realistically, there wasn’t much she could do. it wasn’t like she knew fully how strong she was; she’d barely gotten flying down at that point, but then she’s growing up and she realizes she never really had a limit. and she kind of has this complex, i’ve said it before but she really does try to bear the weight of the world on her shoulders, so everything that has happened to her up until this point after the twins die, it’s partly her fault; if only she could have been better, she could have saved them, she could have her mom, she could have keme – she could have her family back.

then, of course, there is in all of this her intense hatred of the joker. and by correlation to the whole fucking issue, gotham city and batman. (ive said that they kind of grow to like each other more, but when z and jay become friends and through their teen years until his death, it’s kind of like whenever youre gay and your bff is gay and you both kind of hate the other’s really fucked up parent who’s okay sometimes but isn’t all the time and you would totally like throw down with them if only there weren’t like,,,repercussions)

anyway, so when jason dies, it’s a big fucking deal. like he’d already been acting weird, bruce was worried about him, z was worried about him, and then he dies okay. and zoe… bruce doesn’t tell zoe right away. he doesn’t tell her and when zoe does find out, she. is. pissed. all of the shit with her baby brothers comes back. she wasn’t there. she wasn’t able to save him – because she sure as hell KNOWS that she could have at this point. and now he’s GONE. AND THIS ENTIRE TIME, SHE HAD NO FUCKING CLUE BECAUSE BRUCE DIDN’T TELL HER!!! she couldn’t even go to his funeral!!! and then, AND THEN, on fucking top of that – it was the joker who killed him. so jason’s death was like a fucking quadruple blow to her.

after finding out the details, zoe goes binary for the first time. and it’s… well it’s scary. it takes a whole lot of coaxing from old teammates and being physically restrained by diana (who lowkey is kinda like why?? are?? we?? stopping?? her?? from?? killing?? the?? joker??) and clark and donna, and they can’t even really knock her out because when she’s binary, there’s only really waiting out the duration of the high until she passes tf out from using too much energy. which she DOES and then after a good long talk with gran-gran, zoe’s going on a much needed retreat with diana to themyscira.

during that time, zoe’s super depressed. like reasonably, so. she’s so exhausted and she’s still angry but she’s also just like,,, so tired. she lost her best friend dude. like she loves jason so much, she loves him so much, and then he was just gone. poof! and at least, at least with atsa and ahiga, she got to like, be there for their send off. jason ends up being another hole in her life, like her dad and her mom and keme. he’s added to this list of people who all were just…g o n e. she didn’t get to mourn them. like obviously, she can, but every time she thinks about jason, she begins to spiral. (this is kind of when she starts drinking,,,, human alcohol can’t really touch her but she does therapeutically – which is!! not good!!) she also begins to distance herself – from jason’s titans (connor holds on with an iron grip and eddie still checks up on her, but rose was just as distraught and kyle is still kind of numb), from the original titans, from bruce and alfred, from diana, even from gran-gran and uncle bell. she fills the void with work as well as the alcohol that doesn’t really do anything to her except make her mouth taste gross and weird and she hates it but it’s become a habit. if she isn’t out doing some reckless thing while saving the world, then she’s at a bar or just sitting by the ocean.

she has bad dreams too, like horrible dreams. and like,,, they’re not necessarily horrific or anything,, she usually dreams about good times, memories with jason or with atsa and ahiga, sometimes some weird mixture of all three of them hanging out together and it’s the worst fucking thing because she wakes up and she wishes she was there too, that she could stay with them, because she misses them so much. she just wants her family back, she wants the family she had before jason and dick and alfred and the titans, but she also wants them too – she wants all of it.

and then it all comes to head with her dad’s sudden involvement with earth and shit. zoe sacrifices herself not only because she carries the fucking world on her shoulders and has a stupid martyr complex, but also because she thinks she’d be okay dying like this. she doesn’t. die that is. she doesn’t die but she also doesn’t come back.

jason’s revival story arc thing is all a bit murky for me bc I kind of like mix the whole waking up and clawing himself from his grave and also the under the red hood storyline (and like correct me if there is a version like that bc like,,, idk I can’t remember). anyway, so jason comes back, and like it’s kind of messy bc of timeline shit but he doesn’t really come back, come back, until z’s gone. like gone gone. like they held a funeral and everything for her. jason didn’t get to go and THAT is SHIT. like yeah, he wasn’t fucking alive, nobody fucking knows he’s alive anyway, but it still hurts.

and like,,, you know what else kind of hurts, is like he kind of thought that after he came back, if no one was on his side – if for some reason literally everyone was against him – he’d still have zoe. that’s the worst fucking part. he hears about what happened. he hears that she literally went ballistic. and like,, jason KNOWS that zoe would have his side, that zoe would be there for him, that even if she might not have agreed with some of the things he’s done, that she’d be right by his side, showing she cares. because like. like I know bruce is kind of stunted with emotional expression, but it’s really hard to feel like you’re appreciated when someone else’s love language is so fucking hard to translate, when you need constant validation, to be told you matter to be shown you matter to them and they can’t accommodate even a little bit, because of their pride or because they have to deem that you deserve it all of a sudden. and like I love bruce, but they way he treats his kids is shit. so yeah. jason feels hella alone when he comes back and his best friend, his rock, his ride or die (literally wfkejvnk) is fucking gone.

jason definitely has nightmares too. he doesn’t know how zoe died, like really know – no one does, because there hadn’t been a body. and jason’s mind can be a pretty dark place already, add on top of that the nightmares about his best friend dying the same way he did, or being like dick, who actually witnessed the explosion that ‘killed’ zoe. he can’t even fathom what zoe went through with his death, but eventually, as jason kind of comes back into the batfam and shit, he also kind of gets to be with the last of zoe’s family. gran-gran and uncle bell are much warmer than bruce wayne and that too big mansion and that cold fucking cave. jason goes to the ranch a lot, or finds himself at uncle bell’s antique shop whenever he needs a breather, to just be alone with something that close to zoe.

they literally both go through that period where they’re extremely reckless with mourning and regrets and fuck i never got to say this and fuck what could I have done differently, what could I have changed if I’d been there? but where jason is able to recover more effectively, zoe doesn’t do so well in space.

really, that song had triggered thoughts about jason going through her things, the things she left in his bedroom – that bruce refused to touch or move or anything – and just thinking back on their life together. it was definitely shorter than they expected and when jason thinks about it, it’s a whole bunch of salty anger and throat swelling sadness that has him kind of crippled. because like,,, he also knows how the twins died, he knows how it happened, not only did he have the firsthand accounts from those most effected, but also like, he read the reports. he KNOWS, and he feels kind of guilty, just a little bit, that what he did put her through a similar version to losing her baby brothers.

NREJKVNERLFEWLFJNEKR FUCK OKAY I THINK I NEED TO STOP LIKE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY JUST A BIG DUMB BUT BFJKERNFKJEN F   U   C   K  OKAY

[jj-ktae]

· 27 · Whipped - Prompt Game

Title : Whipped Pairing : Im Jaebum x Reader Genre : Au, fluff, Suggestive, Sugar Daddy!Jb Words : 2095 (I got carried away but it’s JB sooo...) Prompts : N°27. “My pants are tight because this is how I like them.” and N°44. “Tell me you need me.”

AN : There you go, @wangslut7! It’s longer than I thought and I hope you’ll like it! ^^

Whipped 

How do things happen even before you notice?

How did you end up receiving tons of expensive gifts in exchange of your company and – more often than not – body? It’s a dynamic you knew nothing about. A cycle of unwrapping paper and unwrapping clothes, with high quality foods and a cosy home. 

You wake up naked, the sheets on the floor and your body exposed to whatever it may face. You stir, legs and arms detangling from their sleeping state and bringing you to life. You don’t bother looking for clothes, the morning is already too hot and you will probably jump into the swimming pool before even drinking your first coffee.

Jaebum is at work already. He will come back late, as usual and order food for the both of you before taking you to his room.

You were supposed to go back to your flat but of course he protested, explaining you didn’t even need to go back to this tiny room. He has been pestering you, asking you to move in with him but you always refused. 

You dive into the swimming pool as your mind wanders to your situation. How crazy.

You don’t mind sharing this type of relationship if you’re being really honest, but you’re not sure you could keep going. Jaebum has too many expectations and too little guarantees and you can’t act like you’re not loving the moments spent with him. 

You don’t even know when you started harbouring feelings for him.

You get out of the swimming pool and grab a towel, you mind still bothered and stomach empty

The whole day is spent in doubt. You think about leaving but you end up giving up. Jaebum would feel betrayed and would come and get you in a minute, angry at your ungrateful behaviour.

You can’t say no, not when he has been offering you everything you need for the past three years.

You end up drifting off to sleep. Last night was too hectic to have a decent amount of rest and you take advantage of the silence and soft music you put on to rest your body.

You open your eyes to a puzzled Jaebum, all suits and smiles. “Keep sleeping if you’re tired. Can we order sushi?” He kisses your forehead and walks away before you can even register what is happening. You sit on his huge sofa, eyes scanning the living room and stopping on huge shopping bags, ornamented with shiny letters from yet another luxury shop.

“Can I have-”


You hear him into the kitchen “Chirashi? Salmon?” He asks, probably already ordering what he knows you enjoy the most. 

“Yeah, thanks..” You yawn, mind cloudy. Jaebum comes back a minute later and throws his phone on the table before heading toward the bags.

“Here. It’s for you.” He hands you the heavy furniture and sits in front of you. 

“…You didn’t have to…” it makes you feel even worse. You don’t know how to react anymore; you feel too used to this. You know you lost that sparkle whenever you open a present.

When did you start feeling like it wasn’t that special anymore?

Maybe because it’s not. Maybe you understood happiness didn’t come from pricey stuff. Maybe you’re yearning for something else. Maybe you wish you didn’t have to give your body to be around Jaebum. 

“Oh,” the latter speaks, finally getting your attention. “What’s happening?” He knows you, this surprises you every single time. It makes you feel like maybe he has other interests, maybe he thinks of you as something else than a mere presence and a good sex in exchange of pricey things. “You look worried.”

His hand falls on your thigh as he pats and caresses the exposed skin of your barely dressed body. “I’m…I don’t know. I wonder why I don’t feel as excited as I used to be.”

Jaebum tilts his head, lips pursed as he analyses your words. “Is it not enough? What would you like me to get you, hm?” His hand goes to your face and makes you look up at him.

He smiles sweetly and you want to whine at how gorgeous he is.

“It’s not about the presents, Jaebum. I just…don’t think this isn’t right, you know? I’m here spending my days doing nothing because you’re paying for my presence and body, but what happens when you’ll have enough? Maybe I should start looking for a job so I can go back on living normally when needed.” Your voice is calm even though you’re shaking inside but it had to be said. Jaebum acts without planning because he doesn’t need to. Rich people don’t have to think about the future when the present is so perfect.

Still, he stops moving, his body tensing and you don’t know if it’s because you’re being childish or because you’re acting like you’re not happy when a lot of people would kill to live your life. “I don’t understand. Do you want to stop?” he sounds awfully alarmed and looks like he is trying to control the situation way too much. “Did something happen? Are you mad at me?”

You shake your head, finding it hard not to jump on him and kiss him because he looks adorable.

“I’m not. All is good.” You assure him, but it doesn’t seem to make him feel better. “I just…don’t think we should continue this type of relationship. I feel like I can’t be myself because you’re paying for everything and I should be grateful but I also don’t want to grow attached to you to the point of not being able to let go when you’ll find someone worth spending your life with.” You end up looking at your lap, slightly ashamed at the revelation. 

Jaebum lets out a long sigh and he looks relieved yet he stills. “You don’t want to grow attached? You’re not attached yet?” 

“I am. I really am.” You admit, playing with your own fingers.

He smiles brightly after that, jumping on the sofa to sit next to you. His tie is a mess and his shirt half opened and you try not to look at it for too long. Jaebum then takes your hand to pull you on his lap. “So, what you’re saying is that you don’t want to keep this materialistic relationship because you’re afraid you might end up wanting more?” he pulls you close to him as you nod, ready to receive a dreadful, ‘I don’t feel the same about you,.

“Why would I even bother you with moving in if it was only about gifts and sex, though?” Jaebum asks to no one in particular and makes you snap your head towards his falsely amused face. “I’m sorry you thought you couldn’t be yourself. I thought you liked the gifts so I kept buying. I just wanted to thank you for dealing with me and not leaving. If anything, they should not be a barrier against your personality. I prefer the real you and no present will ever buy this.” He keeps speaking, eyes looking at you without flattering. 

“I mean, I know I’m kind of weird. I find it hard to be social, I spend hours focused on the same thing, I have a bad temper, I’m not even funny,” He snorts, laughing at himself. “But I find it amazing that none of this bother you. I thought buying you presents was the only way to keep you close, but I never thought that you’d think the opposite. It doesn’t mean you have to shut up and do as I say, jeez.” 

“I know, I mean, when we agreed on this, we made it clear that you were now my sugar daddy. You paying for everything means I must be the way you want me to be. You’re paying for my service.” You explain, the harsh reality now hurting you more than it did back then.

“Don’t say it like that…” Jaebum says, his hand rubbing his face. “It makes me feel horrible about myself. I never forced you to do anything you don’t like. I told you numerous times that I liked being around you. I let you do everything you want as long as you come back to me in the end. I mean, I’m sorry I made you feel this way.” He looks even sad now.

Great. You feel even worse.

You shake your head, your upper body sticking to his and arms wrapping around his neck. “I don’t want you to think it’s your fault. I agreed to this. I’m grateful for all you did. You paid for my debts, helped my parents, got me a better life and you’re only asking for my existence in exchange. I just think it’s too much and when it’ll stop, I’ll be depressed twice. One time because I’ll go back to my dull life and another time because I’ll be away from you. The worst part is that there’s nothing I could do about it, I have nothing to offer, nothing that is proportional to what you offer me.”

Jaebum pinches his lips, his smile growing with each minute. “You offer me way more. No bags and watches will ever top your presence. I could buy myself these, but I’d still feel empty because I’d be alone. With you everything is easier and you always look stunning in the clothes I bring you. If the gifts make you feel bad, I’ll stop.” He nods, staring at your lips and fighting the urge to claim them.


“But I feel like I’m too dependent. I want to be useful to you, I want you to rely on me even though I’m only here to entertain you. I want you to tell me you need me, not only in bed but all the time.

Jaebum can’t control anything anymore so he lets his body move and pulls on your face to nuzzle your neck. A couple of kisses are enough to make you squirm. “I do need you all the time. God, I should have told you sooner, I should have asked you out properly before you think I’m using you. I’m so sorry you thought I wasn’t feeling the same way about you.”

You pull away from him, your shocked face meeting his joyful one. “What did you say?”

He sighs, almost annoyed. “It’s been so long. I thought we had drifted toward something official naturally so I never paid attention to how you felt. I work too much and I tend to let myself live whenever I’m out of my company because it’s the only moment I can let go of things. I should have taken you out on an official date and confessed.”

Jaebum waits, blinks at your shocked face before reaching for a kiss. “That is, if you want to be with me, of course.”

“Of course!” You jump on him, finally giving him the attention he needed after a long day. He kisses you with passion and pulls you against him, hoping you’d let him claim you like a real boyfriend instead of a sugar daddy. 


You let him push you against the sofa, his body hovering on top of yours and it doesn’t take long before you’re fighting with his jeans. The buckle is awfully hard to remove but what surprises you is the clothing “Why are your pants so tight?” you mumble between kisses, but Jaebum snorts, not bothered by it as he almost tears the annoying piece of clothing.

“My pants are tight because this is how I like them.” He mocks, referring to his habit of referring to himself as the sexiest among them all.

“And you meet other business women like this and walk into your company with your body so perfectly defined?” You stop the kisses to raise a brow at him. Now that you can actually voice your real opinion you spend no time speaking.

Jaebum thinks his heart is about to burst. He never thought he would enjoy jealousy this much. “Damn I wouldn’t even go out if you asked me. Be jealous, I love it.” He loves the way it sounds. You who were always so quiet about what you felt, are finally acting like he belongs to you as much as you belong to him.

“You’re so whipped” You whisper before moaning loudly. 

Jaebum chuckles. “Let’s see if you’re not.” Before proceeding to remove the last piece of clothing left on your body.

When the food arrives, none of you hear it. 

[bugli-bugli]

TW: insults towards depression and anxiety, toxic behavior, father/parent mention, trauma discussion, self-harm mention, suicide idealization

just a rant because im just too fucking tired of the bullshit of other sites.

i’ve really taken for granted how non-toxic tumblr is in the nice little corner i’ve tucked myself into. since i’m pretty desperate for money, cause now i think ill just have to live off disability if i can even get it.

I gotta say my mutuals and the people who reblogged my donation post, im so fucking grateful for you and i cant thank you enough. but besides the point, rant.

posted my donation post on twitter and later reddit, like the naive fool i am. the first comment i got on the twitter one was very homophobic and the guy was just an overall creep upon a quick look on his tumblr. i responded to him but immediately deleted it cause i knew thats all he wanted was to make me angry. think i was able to get him banned but fuck if i know.

this is more about the lovely reddit post i got

sigh im not going to bother replying and i just reported them, but i wanted to get out of me all the shit i wanted to say. just, first of all i know trolls and shit just do this to get attention, but this on the fucking r/donate subreddit like??? why isn’t it moderated better?? besides the point

i dont care if you believe my donation post is a scam, whatever, believe what you want and move on. i understand there is a lot of people out there trying to get money they can easily get themselves, instead they take it from goodhearted people.

you need to grow the fuck up. i redirect back at this person because, you spent your time, what? hating on a post that might be a scam. and they regularly do this to from just a quick look. so immature and annoying. this hurts so fucking much to hear too cause it strikes a perfect nerve of trauma.

anxiety and depressions are perfectly valid reasons to not be able to hold down a job. they sound like my fucking dad. i have panic attacks when people raise their voice or if there is too much going on around me, like tvs and crowds and what not.

ive mostly been sleeping lately and cant even make myself do simple physical tasks. not just because of my depression but because of my chronic joint pain that i still haven’t fucking got working medication for yet.

plus i have 472147921 other disorders that i havent been able to get diagnosed or help yet because of my stupid fucking parents. who finally are getting me help after years upon years of having obvious mental issues. ONLY BECAUSE a big argument that my sister had to speak for me in, because i went nonverbal and was hysterically laughing because my dad denying he called me fat.

but yeah i cant even brush my teeth, or shower, the only hygiene habits i have are because if i didnt do them my brain would make me have a panic attack or some intrusive thoughts of self harm.

how is it fucking entitled to ask strangers to donate, H O W? i dont think i deserve this, i dont think that im better then other people, im posting this because others who are in similar/worse situations posting donation posts gave me the confidence to do so.

yes im so entitled to be begging on my hands and knees for money because capitalism and my body and mind are working against me. im not even saying HEY DONATE AND IF YOU DONT DONATE YOU ARE A FUCKING HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. or anything even remotely close to that.

i gave the needed information and background as to why we would need money, and why we struggle to get it ourselves. and asked that people at least share, but there is no obligation to go any of these things.

i know i cant live my entire life on freelance transcription but it is LITERALLY THE ONLY JOB I CAN GET. yeah just simply go out and get a real job, because you can totally form sentences around strangers and dont feel like you are going to throw up from anxiety. its not that hard.

i totally have the endurance to do whatever it is necessary in whatever shitty ass 8 hour shift job i could get, because every step i take doesn’t physically hurt. because after walking too much, my knees wont give out ever, that never happens. because i dont have a fear of failure because my dad totally didn’t get mad at me when i took to long to learn something. i have no trauma related to that at all. im a totally capable human being. 

all of these last two paragraphs are sarcasm btw if that wasn’t obvious

i dont even know what couch sufing on craigslist even is. i had to look it up. how is that advice, how. oh yeah just live on other peoples couches, people you dont even know. thats not dangerous at all like HUH?!?! fuck no. if i wanted to get myself killed id do it myself.

also shelters are totally safe, and never have any issues whatsoever. i didnt ask for fucking advice that was going to make our situation worse you p.o.s.

also i know what im fucking doing, im researching and trying to make the most feasible and realistic plan to leave. even if that is i have freelance transcribing jobs and disability and my sister has whatever job and my so probably in the same boat as me. im not just going to move out without the needed things unless i was kicked out. which, as of the moment, none of us are currently at risk of that, yet.

if it really came down to it where Brutus would need to be rehomed, we’d probably do it. but he means so fucking much to us, we dont want to rehome him because we dont have anyone we can fucking trust to take care of him and we arent just going to give him away to whoever. Brutus and my pets and my sisters are all part of our family, and we aren’t just going to fucking give them away.

whatever, the rage is gone, im tired and i want to cry, this wasn’t posted for attention or anything i just wanted to rant. please dont leave negative comments im not in the goddamned mood.

[tianhai03]

kinda personal post ahead, feel free to ignore---

if you guys have been following me and taking your time to read my rambles before i delete them, you would probably remember the one or two times of me mentioning about losing a really, really close friend and how i always missed them. they’re not gone or anything, it’s just- they’re not close to me anymore and i lost contact with them. this, along with another thing that happened sometime in march, hit me really hard and i was really depressed deep down because so many thing reminded of the friends i’ve lost. i’d even stopped trusting people as much as i used to.

anyway, what happened to my friend(who is the black haired one in the pic, who i’ll be reffering as Luvis from now on) is something that might trigger people and is also kinda personal to her, so to summarize it: her mom was a bitch. after an incident, which hurt luvis really bad, she was separated from her mom and was taken to another part of the country to stay with her relatives. she told me and a few of her friends this back in january; the first day of our school, so you can probably imagine how bad my first day went. not only was i back in a place that i dont wanna be at, i also got informed that my best friend is leaving me and today was the last day that i’d probably ever seen her. not to mention that she told us that her relatives dont let her use her phone so she probably wont ever have the chance to go online and tell us how she’s doing. time was running out.

i had so many things i wanted to tell her. i had so many things i wanna talk to her about. i had so many things that i wanted to do with her by my side. but at the end, i did none. i couldnt do anything.

i spent the last half of the year or so, constantly being reminded of all the thing i did and couldnt do for her. it was the absolute worst because i felt lonlier than ever, even with so many people around me. every now and then i would tell one of my friends about luvis and i’d start crying. the regret i felt was horrible. i wish i couldve done something earlier to stop everything from happening, but again there was nothing i could do. i kinda blamed myself for being powerless for awhile.

anyway, before this post turns into one of the posts where op talks about how bad they are, im gonna fastforward the time to today; specifically this afternoon right after i got out of school. today was kinda tiring, it wasnt bad but it wasnt great either. until i got my phone and saw my notifications. it was a message from a name i didnt recognize at first, but in the end i realised that it was luvis. i messaged her back(along with the drawing i did) but she hasnt replied yet, so im just gonna have to wait a little bit more. i cant wait to tell her al the things that i’ve been doing ever since she left :’D

i cant express how happy i am hearing from her again, not only because im bad at expressing myself but also because i literally dont know what to say?? it feels.. kinda surreal. it feels like im not alone anymore. it feels like a huge rock was lifted from my heart. i guess that’s all i can say haha

im really sorry if this post is kinda weird and sounds really personal, i actually didnt know where i was going with this, i just needed to get this off my chest, but it’s kinda long so i’ll just end it here before i start crying while typing. remember people, cherish the real friends you have right now or else you might end up regretting everything. :’)

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[okie-loki-artichoki]

How did Kaz dealt with ptsd ?

PTSD is a little harder than anxiety for me to speculate about because i dont have it personally. And like i dont know anyone that has it and so like its hard because its easy to be like, I have anxiety so this character is probably dealing with that because i know what causes it and how i personally deal with things, but im not sure how people process PTSD? like ive never experienced it myself?? And I dont want to like assume??

I mean with Kaz its difficult too because because he is such a proud person but he’s also like real emotional? but i think he wouldnt be really vulnerable or open about the things he’s going through because on some level hes sort of ashamed of it all? And I think the amount of trust he would have to have in another person to really open up and be like this is the extent of the things ive been through. Ive been betrayed by everyone and everything i ever cared about and heres how i really lost my limbs. I dont know that would take so much.

He was obviously deeply effected by not only the events of Phantom Pain but after the events of Peacewalker and ground zeroes. Like he’s very obviously mentally devastated. like, everything he knew is flipped inside out over the course of a couple of months and then he lived a lie for like almost a decade. Like i cant imagine the mental toll that would take on someone. His personality has done a complete 180, hes coping by being angry all the time, and that’s exhausting. Grief can do that to you too. 

Even if it isnt PTSD i mean, like if its anxiety. If its depression, if its that crushing fear of abandonment and insomnia and paranoia and everything that comes with it. He probably wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and tries to push his hair off his forehead and remembers  in a horrible twist that his arm is gone. He probably doesnt sleep alot, like not at first. Not during the late 80′s and 90′s. He probably has nightmares about that bombed out village. about blood and fire and things he only half remembers. He was only saved by chance, Snake had almost been too late. they would have killed him, He woudlnt have talked and they would have gotten tired of him. he would have died. He doesnt sleep at all for a day or two after nights like that.

He probably is afraid of someone tracking him down, someone who was involved in something he doesnt understand. Not Snake, never Snake. He’s sure he’ll never see him again to be honest. If he didnt even have the decency to tell him about Outer Heaven why would he come say sorry for the trouble, hows the depression. How are your eyes? Sorry about your missing limbs, sorry i sent a man wearing my face to be your friend. How’re you feeling man. No fuck that Kaz knows better. Still somewhere he’s scared they might come and get him for, who knows. Knowing too much. No one ever does. Doesnt make the depression better but at least its something.

Basically what I’m trying to say is im sure Kaz is dealing with alot. Also I would 100% be there to hold him so i volunteer. I will be there for you Kaz baby. I want to emotionally support you. I’m big emotional about this sorry it took so long anon