#im going through alot of shit right now. and even though ive never had that kindness from my mom

[shadow-bender]

.

[stellawolfe30]

thinkin about how the journey to the west is just one big mess for wukong. but like, in a family sense.

idfk this might make no sense. also tw for mentions of abuse and manipulation.

i like to imagine before he meets tripitaka he's not a bad person at all, hes just wild, impulsive and theres things he doesnt understand. like as a very powerful monkey with no parents or role models there are things he doesnt understand regarding society, morals and right vs wrong.

hes impulsive and wild, a good person at heart but he doesnt know that some of the things he tends to do is moraly wrong. like okay he takes the immortal peaches yeah he knows its stealing but does he completly understand what stealing does? does he understand how it impacts other people? no. he just thinks "oooooh pretty yummy peaches i want some. people are gaurding it? oh no problem im sneaky"

like a child.

he doesnt understand how things affect other people until someone explains it or it happens to him.

"why are you pouting mihou"

"you ate my pile of peaches"

"oh...well, they were just laying there i dont really see the pr-"

*mihou sniffles*

"oh shit-"

then he rushes and grabs an even bigger pile of peaches from the mountain and drops it in front of mihou and then watches him eat while also thinking about how his dear friend reacted to him eating his peaches. hes king? cant he have anything he wants? so why did mihou care so much when he took his peaches? and why did he panic when he saw mihou cry.

he doesnt understand emotions or consequences until the result is staring at him in the face. especially when its someone he cares about or himself. then he starts to understand.

so he's childish, impulsive, wild, chaotic but also protective and thoughtful. he'll take a moment to think about things but the thought it almost never finished unless he really wants to understand something. and sometimes lui er mihou has to teach him and explain.

but in the end wukongs just a little monkey guy that wants to hang out on flower fruit mountain with his monkey people forever. he doesnt want to die because he doesnt want to lose what he has. he became strong because hes king. hes supposed to protect them so he will be strong enough to do so.

then imagine tripitaka comes in. tripitaka tries a simple worded approach to tell wukong dont do this dont do that, 'DONT KILL PEOPLE!!!! even though in wukongs mind "they were stealing our stuff and tried to hurt you tho-" the circelt activates.

wukong doesnt understand what did he do wrong? he was protecting his master like he was supposed to right? is this not? is this not how it works? how is this supposed to work?!?!

wukong does not understand most of the time why tripitaka activates the circlet. he did his job to the best of his understanding so why does he keep activating it?!

but i also think about how alot of media portrays the relationship to be father and son. mentor and student

"if a man teaches you for a day regard him as your father for the rest of your life"-chinese proverb.

so lets say tripitaca does explain things. but he doesnt explain it good enough. he doesnt understand how little wukong actually genuinly doesnt understand.

hes spent 100's of years on his mountain with other monkeys. he's never had to REALLY think about morals or emotions or complex things like right and wrong. hes just been a funky monkey eating fruit under the sun.

so when tripitaka tries to explain it doesnt get through to wukong because he doesnt understand how wukong works mentally.

"killing people is wrong"

"why, it gets them out of our way faster then just idk kicking them or breakign thier legs"

"because it is wrong wukong"

"but...why? why is it wrong?"

"because murder is evil"

"why, i dont get it, ive seen evil people murder as ive seen good people murder i dont get why it is wrong"

the circlet activates.

tripitaka (and thank you wolfcamellias for this beautiful idea GO READ THIER ANALYSIS NOW I HAVENT FINISHED READING IT BUT YOU SHOULD GO NOW THEYRE WRITING AND ART AND AASDFEGRHTFJYHGMSO GOOD) see's wukong as a parent would thier child in the sense that they want to mold and shape them into thier perfect image of child/student. and they will do that through any means. even if it hurts. its an abusive familial relationship. wukong is manipluated to think of tripitaka as a father and why wouldnt he know any better? hes never had a father but this monk is...teaching him? thats what he says hes doing. shaping him into the perfect hero weapon hes meant to be. hes meant to be perfect, hes meant to be a hero people can look up to. a king that protects and he loves that idea. he smiles at the image of being a hero people can look up to and depend on for proection, people will love him.

but hes confused, why is tripitaka using the circlet? perhaps thats just how discipline works. yes yes thats what master says. he says its discipline its neccasary

tripitaka is doing what is necasarry to make wukong better. to make him perfect. was he not good enough before? master says he wasnt. so he couldnt have been. but hes good now? yes yes hes good enough hes good hes perfect.

and thats what wukong thinks. thats his mentallity through the journey as the circlect stays. it becomes a mentallity of, "i deserve this" or "its for the best", "he only does this because he cares enough to teach me"

dont even get me started on how this plays out when macaque tries to get him out. bro...

"i never understood..."

"i never understand what it meant to carelessly stain my hands with blood until i drowned in your's"

its a manipulative situation and i like to think back then wukong was easier to manipulate because there's things he just didnt understand or pick up on.

but then he went on the journey. he learned things dont get me wrong he learned important things whether he wanted to or not. he picked up on alot during the journey and even after. he started to see more and understand better the way the world and people work. how morals and consequences affect the world and the things we do and he kept learning throughout his time as hero until he decided to retire. then again he stll doesnt seem to be good enough. he keeps fucking up he keeps making mistakes.

maybe something he "learned" from his master wasnt right?

no no it was fine, that was fine. it was all for the best and betterment of himself.

he does end up finnaly realising that some things he ended up learning/picked up throughout the jourey wasnt right. kind of in the same sense as how abused children adapt to thier surroundings to survive. "dont bother when upset" "watch thier emotions" "keep it to yourself"

i think thats what causes wukongs HORRIBLE communication skills and desire to carry evem the heaviest weight alone on his shoulders.

its when he realises that some things he's been doing and "learned" isnt good. thats not what "normal" or "healthy" people do.

the circlet wasn't fucking necessary

and thats when he decides to retire.

what a long winded way to say wukong is neurodivergent and has been abused and manipulated.

[spookyboogie3]

The trope Last Minute Hookup shouldn’t be used for LGBTQ+ relationships.

AND DEFENDING MY LAST POST ABOUT THIS.

I DO NOT hate any of these pairings. A good many of them could have been handled differently by the creators, writers, and networks. But this isnt me hating the relationships or characters or shows. Just going off about how they shouldnt have been tacked on at the end of their respective series. 

As of writing this all of these shows have ended their original runs. Except for Supernatural which is on its last few episodes. And Supergirl, which announced its coming to end with season 6.

LGBTQ characters and relationships aren’t as common in the media as straight-cis characters and relationships. Sure things are improving but a lot of networks and writers still don’t fully understand why representation is important why they can’t keep using the same throwaway tropes they’ve been using for the straight-cis relationships.

You could name any piece of media and find and name one character that isn’t LGBTQ+, but you can’t do this with LGBTQ+ characters. We haven’t gotten to the point where they are as common as non-LGBTQ characters.

I have a whole paper I wrote on why asexual representation is important to have in the media and the same logic applies to any part of the LGBTQ+ or anything that falls under minority.

Back to the topic on hand. The trope of “Last Minute Hookup.”

Its exactly what it sounds like. Characters get to together at the very end of the story. These characters could have a on and off again relationship, lots of ship teasing, the classic “Will They or Wont They?” trope. What makes it different for non-LGBT characters in relationships to do this, we know what these relationships look like. Not to say the that both Non and LGBT relationship cant have similar struggles, however members of the LGBTQ+ community know how hard it is to feel like your identity and self matters and is normal.

I know that the whole “will they, wont they” thing is done for drama and networks and showrunners think if they give the fans what they want that they’ll start losing viewers and they have nothing to look forward to. Which is true to some degree. But most of this comes from the writers not knowing how to fucking write relationships.

Let’s just focus on whats it like to be in a non-straight relationship.

Heres an example: you have an action series, with 2 male leads and halfway through the show, they get together. Cool. Now you have a Battle Couple.

By making LGBTQ relationships happen at the end of a series that’s already had plenty of other non-LGBTQ relationships happen before it, it makes it look like the people in charge don’t care for it or were afraid of backlash. But it’s the end of the series so its not like they can get the show cancelled or anything. (The only people who are going to lash out at LGBT couple or characters are homophobic people, we don’t want them around any way so just make stuff super gay, so they’ll leave)

This is especially a problem when the writer and network have spent the whole series queerbaiting the audience with these characters.

 Side note for anyone is doesn’t actually know what queerbaiting is:

It’s a marketing technique used in entertainment, which the writer or creators hint at but then don’t actually depict sex-same romance or LGBTQ representation. They do this to attract (bait) the LGBT/queer or straight ally audience into the show with the suggestion of representation but at the same time avoiding this as not alienate other audience members *cough* (homophobes) *cough*

Definition is from Wikipedia, not a reliable source says my highschool teachers and college professors but fuck em

The Legend of Korra is a great example of Last-Minute Hookup. Korra and Asami had VERY little ship teasing, and that was in the last 2 books/seasons. Any thing that was perceived as romantic came from the fans wearing shipping goggles. So to a lot of people just casually watching, yes this looked like it came out of nowhere. Nickelodeon had some serious balls to say how brave they were for putting 2 girls into a romantic relationship.

Theres a few problems with this.

A. It never actually aired on TV (to my knowledge). The last 2 seasons of Korra were put on Nicks website.

B. The confirmation that this Korrasami was canon had to come from the creators on twitter because of how unclear it was.

C. The show did the bare minimum when it came to hooking them up in the series. They walk off holding hands (very cute btw). They didn’t even get a kiss. Aang and Katara had a Last Minute Hookup at the end of ATLA after 3 seasons of ship tease and THEY GOT A KISS. Hell the original end of LoK*, has Korra and Mako kissing. *(the first season, they didn’t know they were getting more seasons at the time, no matter what you hear the writers say, they’re full of shit)

D. Anything continuation of Korra has come in the form of comics, which her and Asami are in a fairly well written relationship. Yes, they do kiss. Yes it would’ve been great to see this stuff happen in series.

A show that handles this a little bit better is Adventure Time. Not by much though. It implied several times that Princess Bubblegum and Marceline have history together and its shown more and more in its last few seasons that there is some ship tease happening. However its not until the finale where they kiss, and they are shown in the last minute of the show cuddling together in Marcy’s house. HBO has picked up Adventure Time and has a miniseries called Adventure Time: Distant Lands, where Bubblegum and Marceline’s past relationship is shown.  

I had brought up in my original post about being upset with networks making LGBTQ+ relationships canon in the last season/episode. I originally had Catradora tagged. While Catra and Adora have history together, they did not become official couple until the end of the series.

Yes, I was wrong about the network making things canon in the last episode as they’ve always had ship tease with each other, and it probably was the writers’ intent to put them together by the end. They do technically fall under the Last-Minute Hookup, however.

I wanna talk about Once Upon a Time really quick. Fans of the show were hoping and wishing for an LGBTQ couple for the show as a lot of characters, especially Regina and Emma, have alot Ho Yay moments. The showrunners weren’t going to put those two together, for whatever reasons they may have for that (im indifferent on all the shipping going on with this show). The showrunners thought to put two characters together, and hoo boy did it not make people happy. The characters they put together are Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and Ruby the red riding hood, which would be fine if they had properly been developed.

The entire episode they did this in was a mess. They stopped the current arc during the season 5 episode ‘Ruby Slippers,’ to go over the characters that haven’t been seen in years, Dorothy was introduced and last seen in season 3, and Ruby was introduced in season 1 and was last seen in season 5 before ‘Ruby Slippers’. The characters get together in the same episode the meet in and are never seen again. The characters barely interacted, barely got along, and showed little to no ship tease or interest in each other and BOOM they are in love and together aaaaaannnnndd they’re gone. Other than having One Million Moms, a Christian fundamentalist organization, protest against the show and want it taken off the air (yes this really happened). The fans weren’t please with this development of the characters either.  

(also Mulan was right there and already knew Ruby from a previous episode, and Mulan already is established to like girls as shown by her being in love with Aurora. Don’t know why the writers didn’t just put these 2 together but whatever I guess)

So they tried again in season 7 with MadArcher. The characters of Alice, a version of Alice in Wonderland from another realm (its complicated) and Robin, the daughter of Robin Hood and the Wicked Witch (it’s also complicated). And the writers did a lot better here. Both characters were allowed to have time together and have a history together too and it was done over the whole season. Not just one episode.

Now even though the writers decided to do something different with the last season and it could be detached from the previous 6 seasons, MadArcher is not really a Last Minute Hookup per say but still falls under my thing about it being the last season so who gives a fuck if One Million Moms gets mad us and tries to get us cancelled again.

 I would like to say I have never watched a single episode of Supernatural in my life. I may one day. But as of right now my knowledge of it is coming primary from what ive seen on tumblr. You know a great source for doing research and looking for reliable information among the piles of shitposting.

From what I know from fans, the writers of Supernatural have been queer baiting for years. I mean it’s the CW, I’m not that surprised. What also wouldn’t surprise me, that by the end of the series Castiel is back and he and Dean actually start and relationship or strongly hint at starting one. I actually fear for the writer lives if they threw out a confession scene after years of queerbaiting and potential ship tease (debatable) and they don’t put them together. Fans are going to be angrier than they probably ever have been with this show and the showrunners and writers really would be known for queer baiting.

From what I know about how previous shows have done and if anyone that has ever worked on this show wants to continue living, Castiel will be back from Super Hell (is that what yall are calling it?) and he will get together with Dean. And they will fall under the Last-Minute Hookup trope and my networks make LGBTQ relationships canon last season.

 One last show I want to talk about is Supergirl, which in has been recently announced that the 6th season will be the last. The show started on CBS but moved to the CW after the end of season 1. So more CW bullshit. There is no confirmation about whether the CW or any of the Supergirl writers are planning to do this, its all speculation. Supergirl is more LGBTQ friendly than some other shows on the Network. One of the main characters came out a few years ago and had a girlfriend a season and has had plenty of hookups with other ladies around the Arrowverse. They even introduced a trans-woman superhero in the form of Dreamer.

Let’s talk SuperCorp. Lena Luthor was introduced in the 2nd season and has been a major character in Kara’s life ever since her introduction. Even if she isn’t involved in the plot, Kara always goes to her to talk and check in on her and worry about her. They are best friends. Since the 2 have met, there has been plenty of Les Yay going on. The writers seem to be aware of the fans wanting SuperCorp to be canon and they keep throwing in moments like Kara and Lena struggling together or Kara carrying Lena bridal style.

Why I bring this up after the announcement of Supergirl’s final season to start next year. We may get SuperCorp. Kara has a relationship with William in the show and not a single person likes this relationship. The writers may scrap it and get put Kara and Lena together for the final season. This is a big maybe though. The Supergirl writers and crew get called out a lot for queerbaiting.

   Let me know if you guys have any other examples of last season/last episode LGBTQ+ hookup.

And please let me know if you see any mistakes. This was all done in one sitting so I may have some things wrong.

Also check out the video by @aretheygayvideos on this topic too.

undefined

[abrakophile]

I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE. 

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING  (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT���LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP. 

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

[shakespeareismydad]

My thought process as I watch season 7 of GoT

-S07E03

-Can Cersei please shut up god, I’m so tired of listening to her talk

-Qyburn can suck a dick

-i have never hated a character more in my life

-this is painful to watch

-oh no not the ince*t, god anything but that, I’m so over it 

-STOP KISSING

-no one cares if you're the queen stop fucking your brother 

-i would love to see cersei burned by a dragon 

-brooding buddies ahaha

-this scene is so pretty, the way his cloak blows in the wind is *chefs kiss* 

-tyrion and jon interacting makes me happy 

-“are you trying to present you're own statements as wise wisdom” PleaSe 

-don’t make me think about robb and rickon PleaSe

-fucking lord baelish ugh

-sansa and her quick fire wit

-there are some chars i cant stand listening to 

-ooh is it arya, please i hope it is, 

-its bran instead oop, didn’t expect that,, hug it OUT 

-bran is so pretty wow

-this is so sweet, the way the snow enhances her hair is *chefs kiss*

-oh no is Sam gonna be in trouble for helping jorah 

-this is nice

-i hope sam doesnt get kicked out of the cidatal 

-GO SAM 

-ive heard so much about Casterly Rock and this is the first time I’m seeing it and tbh the hype wasn’t worth it 

-SECRET TUNNEL!!

-pointy stick go stabby stabby 

-FUCKING EURON AGAIN I SWEAR

-canny hack it, am not enjoying this

-for fuck sake the lannisters are at highgarden and for why

-I still don’t know if i like Jamie Lannister or not

-they aren’t gonna kill ornella, i hope not

-they really think they're gonna win how embarrassing 

-she really just drank the wine

-the fact that jamie is jofferys dad still grosses me out

-S07E04

-pretty op scene 

-Tom Hopper in game of thrones whaattttt

-Oh my god, every time i see cersei i wanna take my eyeballs out

-i don’t trust baelish with bran

-i don’t trust baelish period. 

-imagine giving a kid a dagger that almost killed him i-

-i don’t want meera to leave

--alot of people died for bran ouch 

-wait bran died, hol up, does that hes ACTUALLY the three eyed raven this time 

-ARYA JUST GOT HOME

-they better let arya in 

-Arya gone ahah

-sansa and arya moment, reunited at last

-this moment is kinda sad tbh

-this is so wholesome 

-its sad again, i wish robb and rickon were here too

-”its wasted on a cripple” i bby noo

-brans wheelchair is so nifty

-i love podrick payne

-okay but theyre outfits are kinda bomb

-thats a lot of fucking dragonglass

-secret cave what will it hold

-the children and the first men are smart 

-yess queen fight with them, wait bend the knee i- nevermind

-ion like this, does she really think he’ll bend the knee and the north folk will be happy

-what now

-oh no shes angry and doubting tyrion that cant be good 

-jon is so pretty 

-Daenerys’ shoulder broche thing is so cool, i want one

-brianne and pod training together is so nice

-im so proud of arya, what a bad bitch 

-seeing arya ad brianne train has me shook 

-”I’m a Bastard” me too jon me too

-ITS THEON I MISSED HIM

-uh-oh jon doesn't look happy to see theon

-are they gonna hug

-NO THEY ARENT FINNA HUG, pleas no fighting

-im glad he isnt killing theon

-the queen is gone?! Miss thing where did she go

-i can't get over the fact that tom hopper is in game of Thrones

-Fuck the queen especially Cersei

-its gone all quiet that means something bad is gonna happen oh no

-this shit gives me anxiety

-thats a lot of dothraki

-"we can hold them off" my guy no you cant

-she brought her dragon good luck holding them off now pahahah

-is this where jamie dies, I wouldn't be mad :|

-miss thing its over for them

-everything is going up in flames i- why are they still fight back at this point

-if ser bronn dies I'm gonna be mad

-sliced off the horse leg and for what

-deadass though if bronn dies I'm done

-i have so much anxiety oh no

-thats a big fucking arrow

-tyrion looks so sad oh no

-jamie is gonna die if he does boost soon

-I dont want the Dragons to get hurt ahhh

-i love bronn but king this ain't it

-HE HIT THE DRAGON THAT DANI IS ON I- THIS ISNT GOOD

-he blew the arrow thing up instead

-jamie leave youre going to die

-mayhe I don't want him to die just yet but he should listen to tyrion and fuck off

-ser bronn to the rescue?!?!

-im so stressed out ahaha

S07E05

-canny hack it they almost drowned

-jamie 'the twat' lennister

-tyrion walking through the aftermath makes me uncomfy, feels bad man

-dragon said rawr

-what the fuck kinda option is bend the knee or die

-tyrion murdered his dad and he'll do it again

-Just bend the knee it literally cant be that hard

-is she gonna feed them to the dragons

-oh my God she is, wait shes gonna roast them, that's definitely far worse than bending the knee

-ashes to ashes ig

-Cersei should be worried, Dani has three dragons why do they think they can win

-cersei gives me a headache

-jon is so pretty and for what

-mister dragon needs to chill

-is he gonna eat jon

-oh hes letting jon pet him alrightie

-it's kinda creepy seeing it up close ngl

-"gorgeous beast" PleaSe

-figure of speech yeah sure right mhmm

-didnt you want jorah dead like three seconds ago

-i fucking hate those ravens

-thats a big mountain

-thats a lot of dead folks oofdt

-oh sam

-hes a smart wee lad

-i hope they listen to sam, hes making very good point

-some of these measter are dickhead

-im so tired of bending this fucking knee

-what the fuck is a wet nurse

-how are you gonna bring a wight to the capital

-this is whisky business

-trusting a stranger is never a good idea but okay I guess

-the minute jon leave everyone starts shitting on him, what arseholes

-sansa is so pretty

-im so confused what is happening

- Ion like this

-oh no is jamie gonna kill tyrion

-not tyrion making jokes as if he isnt gonna die

-wheres gendry i miss him

-look at my mans I love him

-he looks so good,, look at him king shit

-pop off gendry with your big hammer thing,, I was not expecting that

-not miss thing tryna get bronn killed for betrayal i- 🤚🏾hold up

-IS SHE PREGNANT AGAIN OG MY FUCKING GOd,, shes really ginns have another ince*t baby i 💀,, cut the fkn camera

-gendry you had one job

-"youre alot leaner,, you're alot shorter" I king PleaSe pahahaha

-tyrion is so pretty

-jon you need to return cause like, I dont want you to die

-wait is sam leaving,, bye big library

-what is lord baelish up too now,, I'm sus

-only copy of what,, what is he doing

-is arya finna break into his room

-i dont like this,, he probably has whatever arya is looking for on him

-he hid it in the mattress that smart ngl

-what is lord baelish plotting,, it's making me unsettled

-"you need to convince the one with the dragons or the one with that fucks her brother" paahahah I cant pLease that's so fuunny

-tormund and jorah fight let's go

-"were all breathing" I mean ya I guess pahaha

-gendry is so pretty

S07E06

-they look so tiny against the snow

-"down south the air smells like pig shit" "you've never been down south" "I've been to winterfell" "that's the north" "pfftt" I love that whole interaction

-does tormund wanna fuck gendry i- pahahah

-hes allowed to be mad at you for selling him

-jorah and jon are having a moment bless them

-arya reminiscing about her dad is so cute and it makes me sad

-oh no they're arguing

-"beloved Joffrey" ouch

-we were getting along so well,, and lord baelish had fucked it up

-"gingers are beautiful" yes they are my guy yes they fucking are

-dws tomund what dick is 🤚🏾🤠

-uh babies tormund chill out

-the way Jon's jacket coat thing puffs out is so funny

-i really hope Jon's not in love with Dani

-cersei wants to murder alot of people

-wait why cant dani have children

-they looks like ants in the snow

-is that a polar bear,, NOT A POLAR BEAR I REPAET NOT A POLAR BEAR

-THEYVE GOT FLAMING SWORDS

-mans is gonna get eaten alive

-hes gonna die out here and he doesn't even care,, or maybe he wont die i ??????

-where did they get a flaming sword from

-lord baelish needs to stfu

-what is baelish planning

-its gone all quiet again

-jon said slice and dice

-that a loud fucking screech,, oh no I hear rumbling that cant be good

-go gendry go!!

-theyre running across a lake what if the ice breaks,,

-gendry is a fast little fuck huh

-im so stressed I dont want anyone else to die,, especially gendry

-theyre gonna freeze to death

-oh no thros froze, feels bad man

-where did he get a flaming sword,, it pretty poggers

-ive got anxiety

-not sansa going back to king's landing

-miss thing, honey, sansa it's never safe

-yall Danis coat is so pretty

-how to train your dragons type beat

-well done hound you've provoked the dead

-wheres dani and her dragons when you need her

-if tormund dies,, oh nooooo

-someone should help him

-this is so sad

-sis came through what a queen

-the king Walker is gonna throw the ice spear and kill the dragon oh naw

-the stress is coming back

-he just killed on of her dragons,, I'm so shook

-jons gonna drown

-okai hes still alive but how long still he freezes to death

-miss thing you're literally gonna freeze to death dont try to fight

-seeing uncle benjen die, saving him,, that hurted

-the CRUNCH of Jon's coat oft

-shes not gonna kill sansa right?!?

-arya gave her the dagger but now what?!?

S07E07 (this should be good)

-bronn I'm offend men with dicks are just as good with men without them

-the dothraki really just fight for fun huh

-THEON!!!!

-not the brothels 🤚🏾🥴

-the wight doesn't enjoy that box

-cersei you wont be killing anyone,, miss thing needs to SIT DOWN AND STFU

-god I don't wanna deal with any lennister,, apart from tyrion

-i love podrick

-maybe I dont like ser bronn

-im sus,, something bad might happen,, its gone all quiet

-here comes miss thing and euron

-im gonna be sick with anxiety

-does everyone just have a permanent from on their faces or what

-i hate when she speaks

-dragons as a means of travel is so handy

-ats a big fucking dragon pahaha

-constant state of stress

-euron shut the fuck up

-euron is gonna get punched in the face if he doesn't shut up

-sit down euron or fuck off

-cersei shut up for two seconds

-does whe really think the army of the dead is a bad joke,, MISS THING COME ONNN

-does miss thing believe them now after almost being attacked by a wight

-100,000 AT LEAST oh no

-euron is scared lol hes definitely gonna die

-"until the dead is defeated they are our true enemy" Miss thing we've been trying to tell you

-oop mans already been pledged and miss Cersei is pissed

-honestly fuck the Lannisters

-everyone is pissed at jon for not lying lol

-tyrion don't talk to cersei,, that's a bad idea just waiting to happen

-oh lord am stressed

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

undefined

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Baby Love -Part 6

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

A/N: Apologies my read more isnt working! WTF??

Chris had held my hand the entire the time we walked the red carpet, where as usually my arm would casually be linked with his when i attended events with him. When he stopped for photo's he pulled me close, his hand either resting on my hip or the small of my back. The press covering the Charity Event had been all over us as soon as it was apparent that i was now more than just a friend. This news had blown up on social media and gossip columns of course!

"Will you put that down and eat" Chris mumbled as he walked into the kitchen to find me on the ipad again.

"Its been days and their still going on about it! Your fans hate me now by the way!"

"Babe we knew they'd be some hate, just stop looking at it. Remember its not good for the baby if you stress yourself out" he said sitting next to me and pulling the ipad from my hands "no more of that"

"Fine" i rolled my eyes stabbing a piece of fruit and popping it in my mouth"

"It will calm down i promise"

"Yeah eventually, then we're gonna drop the baby bombshell and all hell will break loose again"

"It will be fine, im sure theres plenty of nice things being said. Its just your only looking at the bad"

"Your lucky i love you Evans" i shook my head as i stabbed another piece of fruit, when I looked up Chris was looking at me with a huge cheesy smile "why are you smiling at me like that?"

"You just said you love me" he said smugly, i instantly felt myself start to panic..... shit, was it too soon to admit that??

"Well of course i love you...." i shrugged casually even though my heart was racing "your my best friend...."

"I love you too" he said quickly stopping my nervous ramblings as he leant forward pressing a kiss to my lips. We were soon interrupted by my cell phone ringing "ignore it" he mumbled against my lips making me laugh.

"I cant its probably your mom"

"Way to kill the mood sweetheart"

"Im sorry baby" i reached for my phone and quickly answered before it cut off.

"Hi Lisa"

"Hey sweetie, the girls and me are going to take you out for lunch today"

"You don't have to do that, I'm fine i promise"

"Shanna said she had been texting you and you seemed down so we're taking you out to take your mind off it"

"I don't even have anything to wear, I'm still at Chris's...."

"Well, we'll pick you up at your place at say 13:00? That gives you plenty of time to get home and dressed for lunch"

"Yeah okay, i guess that works"

"Okay, well i'll let you go and i'll see you at 13:00"

"See you then" i ended the call and turned to Chris "i gotta go"

"What, why?"

"Your mom and sisters are taking me to lunch to cheer me up apparently"

"So why do you have to leave now?"

"Because i haven't got anything to wear here, everything i had is dirty and i cant go to lunch in your shirt" i rolled my eyes at him "id better get my stuff together and get home. Their picking me up at 13:00" i gave him a quick kiss and walked out heading to his bedroom to get my things.

After shoving my dirty clothes back into my bag and pulling on my shorts i headed back out to find Chris sitting at the dining table staring out the window.

"You okay?" I asked running my fingers through his hair and placing a kiss to the side of his head. Chris looked up at me nodding with a smile before pulling me into his lap.

"I don't want you to go" he pouted making me chuckle.

"I gotta go baby, you know how difficult it is to tell your mom and sisters no"

"Move in with me" he suddenly said, i thought he was joking but when i leant back to look at him he was obviously being dead serious.

"What??"

"It makes sense that you move in, i mean your here with me more than your at your place anyway. Plus i want you and the baby here with me"

"Your serious aren't you...."

"Of course i am, it feels right when your here"

"Okay...." i nodded with a smile "if your sure thats what you want?"

"Yes!!"

"I still gotta go now though" i laughed before kissing him quickly and jumping up "i love you!" I called as i neared the front door.

"I love you too!".

Lunch was at a little place called 'Lou's' it was a small family run Italian place Chris and I found years ago and absolutely loved. We were seated in back as soon as we arrived and the four of us were soon eating lunch and chatting away.

"I still cant believe you and Chris are finally together" Carly said taking a mouthful of her wine "and... pregnant" she whispered the last part.

"Yeah i know, it came as a bit of a shock to us too but I'm glad it happened. His honestly the best man i know" i said feeling myself blush.

"I think you make a cute couple" Shanna added smiling at me, we'd always gotten along well she was one of my closest friends.

"Thanks Shan, that means alot" i picked up my glass of water and took a sip.

The waitress approached our table offering to top up the wine glasses, as she got to mine i stopped her quickly and just asked for some more water. She looked at me with raised eyebrows, her name was Debra and she was so used to serving Chris and me and me usually drinking too much wine!

"Your not drinking?"

"Jesus Debra, you say that like Ive got a drinking problem" i joke with her "no, I'm just not feeling too great today so avoiding the alcohol"

"Your not pregnant are you!?" She laughed.

"Oh god no! Im fine really"

"Okay just checking" she winked and walked off.

"When are you guys gonna announce the news?" Shanna asked quietly from beside me.

"If i had my way? Never!"

"Sweetheart you'll be fine" Lisa added trying to be supportive, the truth was there was nothing anyone could say that would make me believe it would be okay.

"Im terrified, the things ive read online since that Charity Gala.... i can only imagine what will be said about this"

"We're all here for you both, you can always come to Boston and stay with us if you need a break"

"Thank you Lisa, when do you all head back to Boston?"

"End of the month, we'll come back nearer the time of.... you know" she nodded at my stomach.

"You don't have to do that...."

"I want to, your gonna need family around you"

"Im coming too!" Shanna added taking hold of my hand.

"You guys are the best, I've always thought of you as family.... you know i don't have anything to do with my own family...so I'm grateful for you all"

While we were eating desert i got a message from Chris.

Hey sweetheart, your coming back here tonight right? Xx

"Is that brother of mine texting you already?" Shanna nudged me playfully.

"Yeah" i smiled as i replied to the message.

Hey babe, yeah i'll be back tonight after I've picked up some clean clothes and things xx

You need me to pick you up? Xx

Sure, i'll text you when I'm home. We're just finishing up desert shouldn't be much longer xx

I'll be waiting for your message, i miss you! Xx

Your so needy! :p xx

Miss you too though xx

"I'll be right back, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom" i told the girls before getting up and making my way out back.

Once i was done and was making my way back to our table i was suddenly approached by a guy holding a camera who was constantly snapping photo's of me.

"Excuse me sir you cant be in here doing that!" I heard Lou say loudly and start to lead the guy out, even then he didn't stop snapping photo's. Lisa, Shanna and Carly came rushing over hearing the commotion and got me back to our table hidden in the back.

"You okay hun?" Carly asked sitting me down in my chair.

"Yeah, just wasn't expecting that as soon as i stepped out of the bathroom"

"What an asshole" Shanna muttered making me laugh.

"Y/N I'm so sorry, i didn't see him come in" Lou said as he approached our table.

"Its fine Lou, you can't keep them away all the time" i smiled at him, once he could see we were okay he got back to work.

"Well so much for cheering you up" Lisa scoffed picking her wine glass up and drinking the rest in one gulp.

"You did cheer me up, I've had a lovely afternoon" i said truthfully even though i couldn't wait to get home to Chris.

We settled the bill and got back to the cars, 30 minutes later i was home and packing my bag ready to head to Chris's.

Hey, what the hell happened at lunch? You got papped?? Xx

Yeah, guy just started taking photo's as i came out of the bathroom. It was fine Lou got him out xx

Your sure your okay? Xx

Im fine, come get me? Im Just finishing up packing my things xx

Im leaving now, wont be long xx

While i sat waiting for Chris the notifications on my social media accounts started going crazy! I opened one and saw a photo of me sitting having lunch with Chris's family, the caption stating how things must be getting serious if I'm having lunch with his family. The comments were mostly people saying how i didn't deserve to be with Chris and how much better he could do than me, that i was only with him for the fame and money.... i couldn't stop the tears that ran freely down my face.

Baby love tags: @jennmurawski13 @mybabyboytony

@ms-betsy-fangirl @vampgirl1997 @ajosieface

@afuckingshituniverse @chmedic @esoltis280

@southerngracela @bethabear12 @letsdisneythings

@sellulii @patzammit @katiew1973

[drfeelgood-21]

The past 5 Years...

I feel like some of you should know where i have been these last 5 horrid years, and it took me a long time to actually come to terms with writing this post. But here we go      Back in 2013 i joined Tumblr,made friends, made posts, and learned about some amazing music. MY journey for Metal had just begun. Fast forward 2 years, Im now running a successful metal/rock blog with a side of whatever the fuck i like. I had many friends that i would chat with on the daily through Snap,Facebook, and kik. I was there for many of you as you were there for me. I graduated High school and had a job. I was going into College. My hometown Uni that I always dreamed of going to. I was excited and this sets forth the downfall of my life... Part 2: 2016 hits, Im still getting over the emotions of The Force Awakens (Star Wars FTW) Type O Negative grew on me hard, and i started a smoking addiction to cigars. My energy drink addiction mixed in with that. Full time college and a full time job were hell but i managed. My grades were great, the financial stress wasnt. I was Paying for Uni out of pocket and it lead to some hard times. May came along and well I found myself a girlfriend who ended up cheating on me. I partied hard with friends, got drunk, did some insane shit and even hosted a party with my bestfriend Scott that got over 200 people to show up.  The end of Summer approached and I found this bright eyed beautil woman named Natasha. I fell hard. The only issue was, i was her Manager and i told myself to not do it. Luckily for me i was already applying for new jobs and was picked up by a huge branded Franchise company so we started dating.....Little did i know at the time i was helping her cheat. Little did i know this was her game. We spent the next two years “In Love” by this it was a blind game of abuse and manipulation. She scarred me so bad that i thought i was a narcissistic asshole. She found out about my use of tumblr and made me delete it and take off every single friend of mine from here. One night she slapped my face to awaken me and ask who Emily was ( a friend from tumblr long ago) She was jealous of a message i had sent Emily back in 2015 ( this ould be a good time to mention its January 2017)   I didnt see abuse at all. I could only see me trying better every day for her, but she was never happy. She constantly needed sex, constantly needed love, amd had trouble not being with me. At the time i of course enjoyed it because i thought it was love. I ended up getting an apartment with her late 2017.. We lived together till June 2018....I broke up with her She cost me the following -Best friendship with Scott -Friendship with anyone i talked to on social media ( Alot of you) -My college career -She spiked my depression - Made me feel like i should kill myself -Connection with family members - Trust -Connection with others I know that this post will probably summon that anon that hit right after the break up but just Fuck off.    I was angry ,depressed, and really fucking suicidal, I got injured at work and couldnt move for 2 weeks. (Dislocated my knee) But when i got back to work, i got a message from an old friend who just used me for sex,  so that happened.. 2018 sucked except for starting to branch out into the local clubs. 2019 Though....That was the year of rebuild. Worked my ass off at work and on myself. Figured out a lot of stuff, made New Amazing friends. Started back up old friendships and got my own Duplex so life in 2019 wasnt bad but i will admit i was drinking through a lot of it. 2020 had a slow start. But in the end of January this one girl approached my friend group and asked if she could dance with us. Of course i said, and we actually spent the rest of the night all together and she attached herself to my best friend Amber.  We spent at least an hour talking about Emo bands and style, until she got picked up by a friend.     I had her snap though and decided to message her the next day and tell her it was great to meet you we should hang out again soon. I was Nervous, i hadnt done something like this for four years... When she said yes to hanging out again my heart skipped, It wasnt officially a date but it was interest. We hung out a couple more times and i know i told her i liked her the second time, but i started liking her when she said “ you’re making me break my stoic reputation”     February 1st the morning after we went out again, i asked her to be mine...It was fast but i really hadnt felt this way since 4 years ago....One things for sure though..every time im with her the feeling grows stronger even though i did shut myself down. Its jsut scary how comfortable i am around her because i feel so vulnerable and i dont know if its just me getting my trust back, but I do know that im in love with her. Shes beautiful in so many ways and helps me rediscover who i am..what I stand for. I wanted to tell her that i love her after a nice actual dinner date...I had it planned.. But this Covid bullshit made me rush it. I had to tell her before she visited her parents back home.... little did we know at the time that she would be back home sooner than expected. I was at work when her dad surprisingly picked her up and made her move back home to Quarantine from this fucking virus. I sure as hell felt numb reading the letter she left me.  These are weird and hard times, and its sucked this past week. I cant get my mind to shut off, im stressed, i go to work,  i take care of family. Im Feeling drained and exhausted, but one thought of her and it all goes away.. I miss her. I just want to see her and hold her. Today was probably the worst day ive had in a long time....Im not doing well but im back Tumblr , to all whom even care anymore. Thanks for sticking around

[completleymessy01]

7.5.20

Hi. I have alot to talk about, and idk if i will get to everything. Alot has happened since my last post. We are still on lockdown, im bored, but liking my new life more than my old one. I have managed to lose quite alot of weight, and im worried that ive reached my peak and wont be able to lose any more wieght. When really, i still need to lose atleast another 2-3kg. I believe in myself though. Im going to push through and really try hard to lose the remaining weight. Im saying this because today i ate rather unhealthy and had like four cookies. I actually have a “ sugar:” heacahe, which is a sore head i get when i have had too much junk food. My weight is just one of the many things on my mind. My father got arrested around a month ago and I have had no sort of contact with him. I miss him so much. I have to wait till atleast july 6th before i can speak to him. Whats so frustrating is that no one tells me shit. I dont know why i cant see him till then, all i knwo is that if i do, he will go to prison. That some mean shit right there. I have all these people telling me its a good thing he isnt in my life anymore.Saying that i have been abused and shouldnt want him in my life . But what they dont seem to understand is that he is me and im him. I am atleats 50% of him. Which terrifies me, i see it when i look into the mirror. His eyes, his lips, his resting face. I see it in my emotions. the anger that burns inside, when i shout at my brother i worry i will shout at my kids, abuse my kids, the same way my father abused me. Thats why i stand by his side. because i wish that my kids will stand by my side if i was to ever abuse them. Its like ive already decdied that i will be an awful mother. Like my father was to me. People tell me im nothing like him, but i know i am. I am different from others. I dont really feel much. and that scares the shit out of me. Tonight i feel lonley, and sorta wish i had a boyfriend lying next to me. A man in my life who would protect me from my father, and not let anyone treat me like shit or abuse me. Someone to hold me, look after me, look after my mum. I have this oveerwhelming feeling to care and nurture my mother and my brother. Like its my responsbility to look after them,my mother doesnt have any money and we are poor without my step dad. i wish i could make money somehow and provide for my family. One day i will. i swear to it. Being a victim of abuse has made me stronger. People at school, think im just the blonde pretty girl who has no personality and is dramatic. I can garantee im not. My father is a convict, my mother is stuck in a relationship for money, my brother suffers from multiple mental health issues. Dont even get started on me. Theres this one girl in my year, for some reason she really irritates me. I mean, she is pretty normal. Has lots of friends that are girls and boys, posts tik toks, is an old friend of my bestest friends. But she annoys me. She is a clear example of a privelledged person in my year who has no clue of the real world, and probably never will. She is popular, and whne ur popular u have so much power its insane. Im not popular. I dont know why, but i dont have alot of friends, When i do make a friend, they often say to me “ jeez your not as bad as everyone makes out” my heart always sinks. What is it about me thats so awful? I mean its probably the fact that i wear a mask to school, i act confident, smart, your tyypical dramatic teenage girl, when really im not confident, i dont think im smart and really nothing fucking fazes me. I sometimes think about posting online “ guess what? Just thought i would let you know i was abused all my life, emotionally and physcially by my dad, and now he has been arrested, so no, im not some fdramatic brat that has no clue, i know more about the real world than any of you” that would make me happy for about two seconds until i am then percieved as the attention seeking bitch. i mean, i swear you cant win in high school. I found out my classes for next year, there is this boy in one of my classes that i used to have a thing for, we talked at parties, over snpachat, but then out of nowhere he started dating some girl that was really popular and i guess u could say “edgy” however i was used to never getting the boy i liked so i moved on. But now he is in one of my three classes and i really cant afford to be distracted. Netx year is going to be the best year, i will hopefully be skinny, be applying to uni, be making friends, going to parties, possibly even a boyfriend. Although i am extremley picky, and the type of girl who likes one boy and wont settle for anyone else. Anyway my sugar headache is overpowering me and im tired. So night

[sxyurii]

Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

[strawberryspeachy]

So when i watched death note in high school it made me curious about real japanese police work. I read about it alot and came to the conclusion that their justice system isnt too great.

Im currently upset that a coworker who i took as a friend - not only disliked me all along - but went as far as to lie about me to get me in trouble. That no one cared to hear my side. That i was fired on the spot. That people turned their back on me immediately. That no one cares.

Well. 17 year old me would have said. But of course. In Japan your guilty until proven innocent. That japanese put on a show but dont truely like most people. That they band together and will go out of their way to avoid any kind of conflict. That they care more about a pretty appearance than solving anything. 17 year old me that only heard and read about Japan knew these things. 17 year old me imagined this cool different country that works because theyre proud of this... performance way that they live. And i was amused by it. All i knew was america and european history. I was so hungry for something different. I was so interested in different people.

Then I went to Japan. I got here and it was too similar to manga. How silly, i thought, those a comics - i didnt actually expect the country to be like those comics. And ive never really been able to place what that made me feel but id grown past this bemusement of different “alien like” people. Theyre just people who live in another country i thought. I dont like america and our norms. I know nothing but america but i dont agree with any of our steriotypes. You cant describe me the way most would try to describe a typical american. So why would people from any other country be different. Im sure theres people like the sterotype - but certainly more not at all like that.

And i got here and i watched the smiles on service workers slowly fade when they thought no one was watching. I watched children put trash where it didnt belong thinking no one was watching. I was girls laugh loudly and run around and yell at their boyfriends. I watched drunk college kids hollar and reak havoc in the city. Not robot people, not obedient children, not, quiet and demure girls listening to the men, not studious students worried about their reputation. Just people. The same people i saw back home.

And so i thought. Its the same. Different history. Varrying values. Same old people - judgmental and watching everyone ready to scold them if they deem it necessary.

But that guilty until prooven innocent thing. The fact that the old way of caring about your reputation is still a solid work practice.

These things. Make me feel like... i guess.... to my dissapointment. Maybe america really is more free...

I dont want that to be true. The us is so full of itself. Just like healthcare. I want universal health care to be a good thing and at very least in japan its not really. Its better. Its more affordable. Maybe their problem is just how much they hate drugs and thats what stops real care.

But. Ive always been a cautious person - i just dont want to get in trouble. But ive never thought id be in a situation i couldnt talk my way out of - because i dont do anything super bad. Maybe sometimes ive pressed the limits - but never outside of... like i drank underage. I tried to get into bars i wasnt old enough for. Ive dodged paying for the train fare. Dumb things. Things that the worse that would happen is i gotta pay it somehow or id get scolded. Drinking under age is against us law but its almost never taken too seriously.

But its occurred to me. Yeah. In japan it is guilty until prooven innocent. I really could have gotten in legal trouble for baseless allegations.

And japan is as racist and people say. Theyre friendly and try to talk to you in english and say nice things. And it doesnt seem like racism to a person from the states. Out racist look at you with digust. They wont touch you. They wont talk to you. They dont want to know about you

But here... it takes the form of a racist parent who grew up in the 50s and knows that theyre not supposed to be racist but still is.

Theyre welcoming and friendly to your face but talk shit behind your back. They ask a bunch of questions like (in america “where are you really from”) they refuse to accept you might actually belong. They constantly want to assert how different you are so instesd of telling you that your different - they ask questions or explain what theyre doing. And if you say ‘yes we also do this’ they react with disbeleif - what? No! You couldnt possibly get this - this is our thing and you are not us! And they constantly ask if you miss your home. Assume that you’re uncomfortable because they are. Also also. Instred of not wanting to touch you here - theyre much more willing to push you out of the way

Theres many mixed race kids here now though. I assume theyll have to do the same thing that happened in America. I havent met any mixed race adults but ive met plenty of white dads.... all trying super hard to assimilate to the point that they walk around talking like robots. Swearing that everything japan is great and they dont miss their home cointries at all. Pretty similar to the immigrants of america from when my mom was a kid.

So i still think at least for japan. Theyre way more similar to the west than they think they are. But these restricting regulations that they live by... really does make the country seem not as free as id ignorantly beleived it was.

It surprised me because their rules are so much like the way my great grandmother talked about stuff. And while were supposed to care... we just dont in the states. Respect your employer? Sure we say we do to their face but talk shit with coworkers. Worry about your reputation? Eh think im a bitch i dont give a fuck whatcha gonna do about it? Nothing thats right. Dont like another person? No one cares. Like that person or dont - it doesnt change anyone elses relationship with them. Make a mistake? Well if your boss fires you - everyone already probably thinks their an asshole cause generally mistakes are just met with some form of dickwaving belittlement. Pretty sure most of us get mad everytime we hear a story about someone getting fired because they posted a picture of them in a bikiki or having fun - most of this generation agrees thats dumb and has to change.

I feel more like an american now than ever. Americans are reluctant to change im told. Yes. I suppose we are. We might not know the rest of the worlds history but we kinda know our own. And as much as ive alwags agreed with the sentiment that cultures are different and thats just the way they want to be.... we used to be these ways but decided it was restrictive and controlling and mentally abusive and fought it...

Ive been reading more about the work culture in japan to figure out how he fuck this went so wrong. Apparently when young japanese people enter the work force, they cant even have friends as distractions outside of work because their boss will move them away from home.

Ive already read that japanese think suffering is good and seniority and witness first hand their preoccupation of appearing busy over actually being productive. Its just this constant performance.

Perhaps i did stress him out to the point of physical pain. I remember having a massive meltdown where i shook and it felt like my brain was melting after i tried so hard to be a good nice person. I did whag people apparently like. I changed myself to just agree with people and be positive and assume the best in everyone. Then my “friend” told me that i was a bad friend because i asked them if they would people drive their friends home so i could to sleep at 4am. And the two things just didnt click. I didnt go to sleep that night. I sat at my desk shaking for the next 5 hours and having flashbacks.

Im talkative. I talk as much as i do here in real life. And i have alot of questions. I talked to him a lot. Made him look not busy. I know he liked talking to me. I know he did. Thats why i got confortable talking more. He was always surprised when i asked him questions about himself but once he started answering he kept talking. Yeah. Its nice to have someone ask you what your thoughts are on topics. What your experiences have been. Did you like those things or not. I know japan it a group think culture - i guess they get there by really draining out ANY idea of individualality. He told me hed never been asked what he likes about himself. In the us were asked that constantly from elementary school “what do you like about yourself. What do you like about your friend. What makes you different?”

It kinda baffles me... questions and thoughts like these are so common in anime.... and obviously anime is popular in japan. Obviously obviously. Im confused how theyre watching these programs often with such deep meanings.... and not taking anything away from them. In the states our tv programs are always being restricted and stuff because they might give us “bad ideas” but they aren’t restricted here and yet... it seems no one takes anything from them

When i visited japan in 2013 i saw a teenage girl in huge heels lose her balance and stomp on a middle aged womans foot. That woman had already been standing like her feet were in pain and she made a face of being in so much pain. The girl rudely didn’t apologize and the older woman said nothing. She smiled through her pain...

And i also complained to my coworker. Not full on complaining. The small ones you make at work when youre not sure of the extent you can go to. At first he held off like the other teachers. But. Then. He started complaining back. It got to me not needing to be the one say an annoyance first. Like i asked how his meeting was. Other people i worked with might leave it ah it was a bit slow but necessary. And he started that way. But instead he started responding to me a succession of statements the slowly crept more toward his real feelings. ‘It was good... we didnt do much... or anything, i just sat and listened and took notes. we dont learn anything, it takes up a lot of time but we have to go. I dont like those meetings. I dont know their pupose... but were told to go so we must’

Whatever. Im just gonna keep rambling and complaining about this cause it sucks and is awful. Contracted woth my company i wasnt allowed to publically critisize japan. I imagine thats why you dont often find many things on the internet complaining. You will literally be unemployable if your name is attached to critisisms of this country.

Where as everyone can come to the states and tell us to our faces how much we suck and how much cooler their countries are. And generally the younger general is just kinda like - ‘you right’ people write articles all the time shit talking the states and we just go ‘ya we deserve that’ we do. Im not saying dont do that... but like... maybe just maybe. Were doing the good thing where were like

Haha call us fat! We are fat. We love us some mcdonalds. Hm.... why though. Actually we need to fix that. Why are people eating so unhealthy? What is the underlying cause of this problem? Lets try to work on that - and then we fight amoungst ourselves.

I like that... i like thay thing we do

In the states you might not want to become a ‘whistleblower’ and in some industrys you might get black listed for something dumb. But at least we talk about it and agree its a problem. In japan no one wants to even admit they have problems.

Know what else i told him. I talked about how were overworked in the states. That our work culture has gotten too similar to japans and we hate it. No one working 80 hour weeks thinks that they should have to do that. Of course i didnt go about it that way. I told him that my friends back home work 80 hour weeks and its unhealthy. That i cant work that much and refuse to. He i imagine counted how many hours he works and laughed and i said - oh haha yea i guess you also work that much. And he looked so much like he wanted to cry about it in the same way my friends back home. But said its natural in japan and that hes gotten used to it. But he definitely didnt mean it as he said it. I told him my friends say that as well. That i think theyre workaholics and i personally cant do it. That when work calls them they always pick up the phone even when they dont want to. But i dont do that. When my job called me as a server id ignore it and call them back later when it was too late for me to be asked to come in and ask them what they wanted.

Maybe to him my stories felt like when i read about students in europe being allowed to not go to school without reprucussions. It made HAVING to go to school evem more annoying. Why cant we choose to take breaks? I heard that place doesnt have homework - meanwhile im given at least 6 hours work a night! Not everyone has to do this? Other places learn things for fun?? They dont have to keep up with standardized exams that dont account for different teachers and school districts?? A 50% in that country isnt a failing grade???

Those were already shitty things but to read about them not bein universal did make having to endure it more upsetting.

Doesnt change that im stoll upset with him for not saying anything to me. Doesnt change that im mad that he made stuff up.

Really me rambling on about this doesnt change my presepective on any of it. Im just bitching

[ohjaimelannister]

What are your predictions for 8x04 and the rest of the season? Plus all the major characters, like who do you think will live?

Oh god anon, Im sorry I didnt see this until now! 8x04 is kinda redundant now, and no one could have really predicted that storm of shite.

Okay so this is gonna be long I guess but here we go.

To be honest with you I only have a few prediction as to where the story’s gonna end up, I’m more concerned with the characters but :Kings Landing and the Iron Throne are destroyed by Cersei and/or Daenerys and Drogon. There is no more ‘King or Queen’ of the Seven Kingdoms, they have a council of a few (possibly elected? but probably not because this is Westeros) lords in a democracy or each kingdom goes back to being completely independent (which in the Norths case I wouldn’t actually mind) .

I’m not sure whether the White Walkers are truly gone or not? I’m not sure whether there’s gonna be something to do with them, but probably not. But basically there’s gonna be a lot of destruction and dismantling of the normal before this is all over.

I think this isn’t going to be type of “The End” situation, life will continue and maybe we’ll get some sort of epilogue about how one of the characters we’ve come to know is murdered under /mysterious/ circumstance (just like how the series began with Jon Arryns murder) or there’s another rebellion and the cycle begins all over again. There will be the inlaying message about how the wheel is never ‘broken’ because power will always be coveted and power will always be taken from those that have it. Basically they’re doomed to live this cycle over and over again. Hence the ‘bittersweet’ ending. All those that died along the way, died for nothing because the politics, backstabbing and wars will never be over.

Characters :

Lets start with The Starks, Sansa- I have nothing much for you except I just hope she lives at this point? Honestly, Id like her to rule and be Sansa of House Stark, First of her Name Wardeness of the North. She cares about her people and loves them endlessly so she’s perfect for ruling and protecting the North because of all she’s learned from figures like Tyrion, Cersei, Littlefinger etc.   I don’t really mind if she marries or not but I’d like her to at least experience a loving relationship at some point in her life after all the shit she’s suffered through, and she just deserves to be happy basically. Though saying all of this considering how they’re writing it at the moment I honestly and truly expect her to end up ruling the north completely alone without any of her family with her because that ‘subverts expectations’ and D&D are shits.

Jon - well I hope for the best again but let’s be honest we’re not going to get it. Therrs two ways this could go : 1.) He doesn’t want to rule and I honestly don’t think he will. I would like him too, he’s good in leadership positions and he’s got the ‘saving the masses’ temperament (re: Wildings and getting himself killed for it) but I’m getting real big “gonna kill my auntiegirlfriend” from him at the moment, and I think we all know by know its been implied that Dany is going to go ‘mad’ and hell do it it to stop her from continuing to destroy an already burning city and more people from dying later on when shes finished with Kings Landing. Itll sort of parallel with Jaimes story in the end, though instead of being protected by the new ruler and his family, Jon will confess to his ‘crime’ and be sent to the North to exile, and go off with Tormund via Castle Black. I don’t want to say he establishes a new Nights Watch because there’s really no need for them now? Unless the WW aren’t really gone, then hell feel like he has too and the cycle will start all over again. Either way, he’s going to end up alone pretty much. As Beric and Ser Alistair said his life will never be easy and hell end up fighting others wars forever.

2.) Basically the same thing as before ^ but instead of being exiled, Drogon will just burn him to death in the Throne Room for killing Dany.

Either way Jons not going to get a happy ending I don’t think.

Arya - Her whole arc on the show has been badly written, and in the end I just want her to be happy with her family and Gendry. BookArya just wants a ‘pack’, basically a family. She fought so long and hard to get back to where she was, and even announced it to one of the most dangerous men in the world that she was “Arya Stark of Winterfell” and that she was going home. Where has that been this season? I want her not to kill Cersei, I want her to see what impact Cersei and Dany tearing each other apart has on KL and decide that vengeance isnt the best route and go to Gendry, who she clearly loves and he clearly loves  her. The Hound might even try and convince her to seek out Gendry because there’s someone in the world that obviously loves her for who she is.  But in all honesty? I think theyll have her just leave without saying goodbye to any of her family and just disappear again to find out what’s “west of Westeros”.

Dany - Dead. I dont like saying it, because I think Emilia has done her very best with whats been given to her (and D&D have done her dirty) but Dany is going to end up being killed by Jon for going mad with power and bloodlust basically. All signs have been pointing to it for a while now and without her morale compass in Ser Jorah and experiencing the pain of the abduction and then murder of someone she loved as a sister is obviously going to send her over the edge. I dont think shes ‘evil’ as such but, shes always had a problem with her anger and temperament, which the others have been skillfully subduing for years, with them gone, watch out world. Of course I could be epically wrong and she could actually win, murder all the Lannisters and Jon in a shock twist and take the Throne for herself??

Cersei - Dead. I mean it would be the ultimate shock and plot twist if she somehow lived and killed all the others? And tbh with the writing at the moment I wouldn’t actually hate that. I think shell probably either get killed by Jaime or take the easy way out like she was going to try to do before Stannis got to her during the Battle of the Blackwater. Nothing too surprising on the horizon there I think (hope).

Jaime - I want him to live? I mean I’ve known for many years there’s a 99% chance the he will die but I still have the smallest hope.  If he has to die let it be heroic, let it be him killing Cersei to stop her from blowing up KL to get at Dany and co. Hed only die if he was wounded in the fight to get to Cersei (which is highly likely), or if he was caught by Dany and she has him executed because it looks like he betrayed them all, when in reality he was the only one who could get close to her. Im not gonna say anything about the leaks because I really hope that if he has to die its a GOOD death (and not falling from towers or jsut to be with cersei at the end or some shit) and that its his redemption arc completed and I really hope while hes killing Cersei he says “The things I do for love” and she KNOWS its not about her anymore. I will really be angry if this is a D&D screw up and they mess his entire character arc up because of this “addiction” nonsense. If he has to die let it be with Brienne by his side (because shes gone chasing after him) cradling him. “In the arms of the woman I love”

My dream for him would be that he lives, goes to Tarth, marries Brienne (after begging her forgiveness and shes punched him, ALOT) and they have warrior babies. The end.

Tyrion - I have two endings in mind for him, Dany finds out about someone is plotting behind her back and either Varys sells Tyrion out so he can keep playing his little games (or they both get found out) and he has a trial and is executed. Or if Dany dies he becomes part of this council thats going to lead Westeros.

Brienne - She lives? I cant see anything bad happening to her at this point unless she goes to KL to save Jaimes dumb ass. Either way I think shell live and end up bearing Jaimes child (whether he lives or not) because they were together for weeks and weeks, and it’ll be a plot device used to carry on the Lannister bloodline when the other three die, like Gendry was for the Baratheons. Which lets face it would cover the whole “bittersweet” ending really wouldnt it? She has to carry and bare the child of a man who loved and left her (with hopefully good reason) but shell never know that so she has to raise him/her alone on Tarth as a constant reminder.

Gendry - Well. Boys got two options (maybe three) But I dont think hell stay Lord of Storms End possibly? If its a choice between Storms End or Arya, I hope hell pick Arya. Shes never cared about him being a lord, she loved him for who he was way before he was made one. Or they just live in Storms End together and raise children. (They have to give us something right????) And the third option - Ive always had this really weird foreboding feeling he’d end up married to Sansa, Arya said no and made it clear she doesn’t want to marry, and if she leaves then…….the whole “i have a son, you have a daughter” thing still becomes a reality.

Pod - Well, I hope he lives, gets made a knight and helps Ser Brienne on Tarth basically. Hes too pure to be ruined (though D&D will probs give it a shot)

Davos - Might live? Im not so sure, if he does hell be helping out the new ruler/rulers in some way?? Or hell just be down in FleaBottom adopting random kids left and right.

The Hound - Will probably die in Cleganebowl and Arya will actually give the gift of Mercy this time, but not before he bestows his dad wisdom on her about Gendry/Life. And if he does by some miracle live hell probably go somewhere, build a house and live there in solitude for the rest of his days.

Bronn - Well I had a joke that this shit (i loved the character early on but this season has just been no) would avoid all the major battles somehow, live on over all our faves and get his damned castle……..Im probably not wrong about this one….

Sam and Gilly - Their goodbye already seemed pretty final? I hope we see more of them because just leaving them at Winterfell seems a bit open ended and weird considering Sam was like, part of the most MAJOR plot on the show? Maybe hell put on this council or be Lord of Horn Hill with Gilly as his wife, which would a great middle finger to his horrible father.

[kendrixtermina]

Disclaimer For Potential Partners (f/m/x)

Writing this down as much to gather my thoughts and go into this with clear priorities as for possible future reference. 

My mother always told me that if you wanted everyone to like you, you’d have to be a 50 dollar bill. I have come to accept that I’m more like licorice. Some people aren’t gonna like me but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who would appreciate me. 

I’d rather you run away screaming NOW than in three years when we’re both invested so Let’s get all this out of the way:

I’m bisexual. Yes, I’ve dated dudes in the past. I’ve had a brief online flirt with an agender person and do think androgynous ppl are hot which I suppose would make me pan in some ppl’s books, at this point the choice in label is purely aesthetic. I’m looking for a female partner right now because I’ve always had a slight preference for girls anyways but a sufficiently compatible non-female would not be refused. 

Because ppl have gotten this wrong in the past: Preference is about how likely you are to notice that someone is hot in the first place like in the early stages. It doesn’t mean my attachment to those dudes was any less “real” (or the other way around!) I just flat out don’t care whats in your pants there are other things to be picky about

From since I was young, the message I got from music, books etc is that it’s pretty bad to say “I love you” unless you truly mean it. So I don’t say “I love you” until I’m 100% sure I can do that it good conscience. It seems that it takes me a bit longer to be sure than most people, but it’s not like I’ve conducted statistics on this

I’m not vegan/vegetarian and I’m never going to be vegan/vegetarian

I’m not a pet person 

I’m not a sporty person and I’m never going to be a sporty person

Go through my stuff, spy on me in any way or ask me to tell you where I am at all times and its over

I’m an antiprohibitionist and don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with taking recreational substances. Conversely, I’m not interested in that sort of thing as a full-on lifestyle either. 

I try to keep an open mind and try everything once but im probably not gonna reorganize my life around new age woo-woo. 

So far my folks have liked most my partners, but if our social circles don’t get along I’m comfortable with leaving them separate. 

I believe in judging people as individuals first. I don’t wanna hear no paranoid shit about “the muslims” or other stereotypical carricatures but if you’re gonna be “europeans that europeans this” as if im not in the room its not gonna work. 

Don’t be fooled by the foreign-sounding surname im a potato through and through. No exotic fanservice to be had here. 

Barring unforseen dictatorships, I don’t want to move out of Europe. I like it here. Its full of frustrating dumbasses but so is the rest of the world.  Yay for cheese and consumer protection laws! I would consider moving closer to the shore though. 

It’s fine if you don’t speak German but you should not hate or dislike it.  English is a plus because me, my friends and my family are into internet culture

I haven’t spoken to my father in five years. No, you’re not going to patch this up. You don’t have to ignore him too if you’re not comfortable but you’ll have to respect my choice instead of playing family therapist or throwing platitudes about forgiveness at me. 

Im not counting and it depends on your definition but Ive fucked at least 15-20 people, which according to statistics is above average? Always used rubber unless it was long-term and exclusive tho. That might bother some ppl. 

That said it has been my conclusion that fucking does nothing that a beer can’t do and that the real quality stuff is what you could already do as a grade schooler when you still thought of all the grownup stuff as mystical. Having ice cream together, exploring new places, having contemplative conversations in the rain, telling each other your fantasies? That’s The Stuff. 

Hence while I wouldn’t turn down some fuckage along the way what im looking for at this point is someone to share life and grow old with, like there doesn’t need to be the expectation of further strings but the end goal RN is to find One That Sparks Joy(TM) that will get precedence

I’m not big on material gifts or the ritual part of dating if thats important to you I might not be the ideal candidate, but if its not thats probably good for your wallet

I’m a strong introvert. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to anyone other than my boss or maybe texting my relatives. If you’re very introverted or work alot this might be an advantage. Of course if I love you I will try my best to match up to your attention needs but if you need your partner to text you 15 times every day to feel good I might just not be your cup of tea

That doesn’t mean im not interested in going on or doing new experiences. I very much hope to do that together with you just not 5 days a week - if you can’t give new things wholehearted tries things might get uncomfortable

I like spicy food and all sort of asian cousine, but if you can’t stand the sight of cheese, asparagus and sausage it’s not gonna work either. I can obviously put less chili in your portion. 

I tend to talk fast and I find it hard to stop it even if I try, if that bothers you look elsewhere

I cannot stand forced optimism OR over-the top misanthropy or snobbishness. I will gush about things, but I like my dark edgy content and I stand by it. It is an advantage if you like talking about art. If you don’t like morbid humor that might be a problem

No diet talk

No perfectionism

No passive aggressive ppl or ppl that are uncomfortable with direct confrontation. That won’t work, we’d just set each other off even without meaning to and it would just be sad. If Im doing something wrong don’t expect me to notice by magic, tell me to my face so I can fix it. Don’t be hostile out of nowhere and don’t beat around the bush. 

im not religious or spiritual. I don’t mind if you are but if you want to have kids and bring them up strongly-immersed in some Abrahamic faith im not sure if this is the right adress

No anti-intellectualism (no snobbery, elitism or smartassery either - as a wise pig once said, “Knowledge is a horizon to strive for, not a prize to hold in your hand” It begins with realizing what you don’t know)

Indifferent about monogamy, but I wouldn’t say that I’m the sort of person who needs non-monogamy either.  If you want to we can do it (write me out some list of where you draw the lines so there’s no misunderstandings) but if you don’t it’s no biggie. I don’t care if you fuck 10 other people - for me, respect, honor and loyalty are to do with other things, like, don’t make fun of me and don’t expect me to change because one (1) person said I’m weird or whatever.

Don’t give me diseases tho. I’ll take precautions to extend the same courtesy to you.  

Potential character flaws: I can be a tad sensitive, disorganized and defensive sometimes, not gonna sugarcoat it. I have no filter and curse like a sailor. Also I have zero social skills and sometimes I come across as either angry or unemotional when its really the opposite. I find that just as confusing and contradictory as that sounds, I have like zero sense of how I come off. I try to be aware of all of these and do right to everyone to the best of my ability but if you’re sensitive about any of these point someone else might be a better fit 

2 kids max. I’m not sure I’ll have ANY at this point, and most certainly not in the next 5 years. IF we decide to have some later I volunteer to carry them though, I probably have good genes, my mom popped out 4 babies in 6 years with nary a complication. Besides I’d rather it was me dealing with the gross pregnancy stuff than someone I love

My favorite bedroom stuff is fingers-in-front-cavity and butt stuff. Mild sleepsex fetish but nothing super pronounced. What I don’t like or just am not very good at is top/bottom play. 

So far most my partners have had somewhat stronger sex drive than me but Id argue that I very much have one and ive never refused unless I was in physical pain, severely sleep-deprived or working on some important work-related thing that was due the next day. 

It’s important - and science backs me up on this - that you can freely talk to each other in n open, natural and relaxed manner

If you think im weird just do us both the favor and stay away don’t come at me with the attitude that you’re gonna mold me to your desires - even just writing this comes off kinda touchy but im saying this because some people out there really don’t get it. Like my natural tendency is to be open, courious and realistic,  but some people see that as free real estate and then it falls to me to be the reasonable one and End The Madness and im tired of that.

Like I want to be able to give love and pour out all my inner romantic shit without having to be afraid of being fucked over I want to be able to trust you with my inner harley quinn as well as my inner phantom of the opera 

UGH that sounded a bit tryhard didn’t it? But its the best description i could come up with

Must remember to translate this into mordor speak later

[hyunarkarchive]

oh my stress;;

“'tis i, a writer, togetherslapper of words.” 

knowing that my own five year anniversary at rookies is in about two months makes me actually really emotional, and most of you know, i don’t really get emotional about stuff like this.

i’m here to talk about all the fucking shit storms i brought. starting from good ol’ ellyrk, who turned into yuriirk and currently known as hyunark, as well as, rkxwoozi, aka jihoonrk, fucking namtaerk, eunwoork, minhyunrk, younghyunrk 1.0, junhoerk aka younghyunrk 2.0. i am about 100% sure i’m missing someone BUT YOU KNOW, we can let that muse stay in dungeon vile. 

not even 10 minutes later 

oh yeah- minhork was it? minhxrk??? idk what his url was, shortlived lovely muse i tell you. jisungrk was a thing for like 6 months. however, as you can see, i have a lot of muses, 11 in total, well 8 if you remove younghyun 1.0 & 2.0 and jihoon.

its been nearly five years since i joined rookies and ive made a lot of memories here. good, bad, amazing, mediocre. a lot of memories than pretty much just range. can you believe i’ve actually cried a few times about rookies related thing? yeah, me neither, but here we are hahaha. i will probably not edit this at all, so if you see spelling mistakes, or maybe something is repeated, just ignore it please, its from the heart.

this place really helped me develop my writing, vocabulary and definitely social skills. i might suck at threading and replying on time, but i have to say, all the muns here are amazing!!! i remember when i first joined, oh boy was i fucking terrified of the fact that i SUCKED at writing. i was so cautious about what i write and how i spoke and i think some of you could remember it haha. i’ve also managed to make some amazing friends throughout my stay here, all of them older than me, as well haha and i was babied so much i always found it funny, but very thankful because some of the life lectures i got where definitely needed.

however, i will take a few minutes to write about the last three standing; hyunark, jihoonrk and younhhyunrk

hyunark: 

my first ever tumblr muse. my first rookies muse. my longest standing muse. she;s gone through a lot, and honestly, she will continue to do; i wasn’t all that good with her in the beginning, now i see a lot of gaps and weird stuff whenever i have to go read something to remind myself of events and so on. however, i really love her, and i’ve gotten a bit too attached to her haha. can you blame me tho? from ellyrk, to yuriirk, now hyunark, there have been alot of ups and downs but i am happy where she’s come. to being a potential walking scandal, to being in two survival shows, to being the first muse at rookies to not be offered a contract renewal, to another survival show, to a nova trainee after being cut short twice by hyunbin. she had gone through alot of character development and its shaped her a lot better than i ever could, for which i need to say my thanks to the mods of rookies for it, because without them, hyunark would probably be headed in a completely different direction haha. however, she still focuses on producing, writing lyrics and ever since she got into nova as a trainee, she’s focused on her dance as well because she doesn’t wanna be called an uncooked noodle anymore. her dream is to be a recognized producer and lyricist, and will fight for that title.

jihoonrk:

jihoork was previously known as rkxwoozi. i even used his original blog when i re-applied with him;; he lasted a bit under a year in all honesty the first time and i specifically remember that the reason for that was being signed under trc. it was a pretty unfortunate time for him to be signed, with all the scandals that happened and what not. i was a tad regretful that i dropped him to be honest, which is all the reason to why he was brought back. tbh, he didn’t change in that like 6 months gap he was away. he was the same moody gremlin everyone knew and loved. if you had asked me, a few years ago if i thought jihoon would debut, i’d laugh and say no fucking way, but here we are, when he is a member of convex and got to debut with his longets lasting friend, sehun and best friend seungcheol. so he is living the dream you know? even if he doesn’t show it, he is grateful and appreciates everything that’s happening around him and to him. his main goal right now is to be the variety ace of convex and is working slowly to achieve that goal.

yonghyunrk:

ahhh here we go;; my last muse who had to undergo something similar to jihoonrk;; i brought him in, because i had this idea of a metal head, who really just wanted fame and girl and guys. however, stuff happened, i couldn’t get him to have threads i wanted and so i dropped him. again, i pretty much reapplied a few months later with junhoerk which was basically younghyunrk 2.0 and eventually, i realized that the muse deserved its original fc and here we are again with younghyunrk. to be honest, i don’t even know how i managed to get him to go to mga4, but he went and caused chaos with chungha and we all know how much fun he actually had haha;; he still doesn’t like dance, and will probably not enjoy it until he gets signed and coach tells him he can’t dance and JUST out of spite, he will get better at it. ultimately, he wishes to debut on a band, he wouldn’t really mind if he gets placed at any instrument, as long as he gets to sing. he still wants to reach paradise city, as guns ‘n roses have said.

quick mentions to some of my other muses as well. its funny how all my other muses lasted for months as well;; honorary mentions will go to namtaerk, minhxrk and probably minhyunrk, i won’t be really talking about them, so focusing on eunwoork and jisungrk;

i can without a doubt say that these are my more interesting muses, or eunwoo at least. her dream was to become a musical actress and was a serial dater; she’d date a lot of people, girls and boys, and wouldn’t really bat an eyelash once it was all over. never really had long term relationships either. she was into photography and her photography instagram was more popular than her personal one and she didn’t mind haha.

jisungrk wanted to be a professional football player and he was never really interested in becoming an idol, which made him fun to play. however, he was a really young muse, i think i made him 16? yeah, i think he was 16 and after that i realized i can’t do young muses;; its just weird for me, i have no clue what middle school kids actually do haha, i remember i just slept and did nothing all day, didn’t even study whoops. 

but yeah, these two muses were very short lived but fun and i think that one day, if rkforthmuse is allowed, i highly doubt it, i will bring back eunwoork because she deserved more attention than i ever gave her.

now i will do a few mentions, by a few i mean it will be a lot;; i’m sorry if i get sappy or anything;; please accept my love <33

ABBIE - @seungcheolrk​ & @rkwon​ & @rkgwen​ - sunshine, my lovely amazing sunshine;; thank you. thank you, thank you. its been nearly five years of friendship, can you imagine it? soon, in just two months, it will be half a decade and i am extremely grateful;; i can’t explain it and i know that even saying it on a daily basis to you, it won’t be enough;; its funny how we started talking through rksoo and ellyrk, and now here we are, four years later, rkjicheol being in the same company, debuting together, in the same group. in all honesty, i remember when i dropped jihoon and then picked him up after like, literally two months, and it was one of the best decisions i ever made. i always have fun talking to you, plotting and threading and i honestly wish i did it a lot more than i currently do, but you know, uni is kicking my ass hasljdhlas anyway;; thank you, sunshine, thank you a lot and for these almost five years i love you a lot 🍅🍅🍅

HUNNIE - @yutark​ & @rksunwoo​ & @rkseokwoo​ - where do i even start?? like, oh wow, there is A LOT;; i can definitely say, we started talking when i suggested jihoon as sunwoo’s first kiss and look where the are now? dating, for what? seven months, can you believe that? SEVEN!!! this is insane haha;; and look and where we are now, talking on a daily basis, and its very very nice;; i don’t know what i would do nowadays without you, so i’m really really thankful you deal with my sorry ass so much ahdsdsalla it started with jihoon and sunwoo, then it transitioned to younghyun and yuta, and most recently, its been yuta and hyuna and their lil game of cat and mouse;; its always fun plotting with you, threading, talking, everything really;; and i really hope it will continue to be this way;; i love you

LYN - @rkxsnn & @rkavery - hello there mum!!! impressed im starting with you? anyway, i have A LOT OF THANK YOUS TO TELL YOU, starting from dealing with me, to helping me get through college, to life advice, to all the skype calls we had, a lot of things in these past few years. even if we don’t talk as much and i know you have life kicking u in the ass, i wish we could change that soon;; i miss you a lot;; all of your muses are amazing and i absolutely adore them, as much as i do you!! hmu soon;;  minsoo and elly were iconic, and he will forever be a huge part of her;; remember that mino and taehyun ship we had? good angst times lbr.

JEN - @yujurk - sup there mum number 2 even though i act older than you, you can’t even lie about that haha; you were one of the first people i started talking to in rookies, and still do on a weekly basis? daily? you get the point haha;; damn, i don’t think we ever argued as well, which is insane and you do give good advice and oh my god your muses are so funnnnnnnnnn bring all of themmmmmmmm innnnnnnnnnnnnn;; i’m so so happy that you came back to rookies after that hiatus;; really really happy;; jieun and hyuna are iconic partners in crime;; jihoon is grateful that jieun taught him how to sing;; hyuna thinks soyeon will forever haunt her, no doubt;; jkook is forever jihoon’s bunny you can fight him about it;; eunwoo says jkook never took her on a date, she’s upset about it haha

CLARA - @rkwendy​ & @rkjohnny​ - clara clara clara. you really love having me send the group chat into gay panic huh? i will forever continue to do it, do not worry. once a week sound good? hahah;; i wish we talked more than we do lately, but its always fun no matter what it is;; i also know for sure, you have my back and we can take over a country if we tried hard enough lbr;; i think we mainly stared talking when the brosquad/antisquad happened, which was pretty much when i joined rookies haha;; so again, nearly five years of friendship look at that!! we need to talk more and you need to tell me more baking recipes!! i think it was hyuna and wendy that we first got to interact and then wendy and jihoon and funny enough, i feel like jihoon and wendy are closer than hyuna and wendy haha;; then younghyun joined the picture to fully annoy wendy out of this word;; we need to thread more sobs;; lets make that happen yeah?

SHINOBI - @rkkangjoon​ & @rkgray​- hello there shinobi. i think our meet up scenario was the same as with clarea, huh?  brosquad/antisquad;; we should talk more, that’s a definite but i think that with hyuna&kangjoon we have gotten a lot closer than before and its really cute and nice and i love it qwq gray and hyuna need to release a hit song someday, we better make that happen yeah??? good!!

SACHA - @rkrose​ & @rkkyungri​ - i am super super duper ultra mega giga happy we got to talk a lot in the past few months, get to know each other and its very very nice;; i always have fun talking to you and i know i can lean on you if my day has been shitty, and i am sorry if i’ve had a lot of shitty days sadhljsajldnl ahhh, but yes, our muses will go through a lot and i’m really happy you enjoy it and i hope we can see them grow and develop!! 

ANI - @rkchungha & @rksohee& @rkmiya​ - what am i actually gonna do without you, that’s a very very good question i was asking myself recently. its really weird we never really talked a lot until younghyun was brought into rookies, which was i think this year huh? funny, very weird, what life was i living without you in it?? hahaha, anyway, i’m really glad and happy having chungha and younghyun so close got us to be closer as well, even if i set you into rp panic with random questions and potential scenarios haha;; i’m glad you enjoy them;;; love you lots!!

CARLY - @taeminrk & @rkluna & @danielxrk - we don’t really talk much, but in reality, i actually don’t know where i’d be rn if i couldn’t come to you with stupid questions and inquiries;; i wish you all the best in every possible aspect of life and love seeing you on the dash;; ngl i am also extremely and forever sorry that you have to read through hyunark’s post from like three years ago, that;s some nasty writing right there yikes;; but thank you for taking rookies under your wing and just expanding it and making it better and better with the rest of the mod team;; keep up the good work!!

a very special thanks to all of the royal girls, @rkxnarong , @rkyena , @rkella , @rkcheri , @rksoohyun , @rklisa , @rkrose who made royal survival a blessing, her stay in royal amazing as well;;  special thanks to all the royal boys, ex ones count as well, fight me @rkbyunbaek , @jaehyunrk , @kibumrk, @yienrk , @rkseonho,  thank you for being a part of hyunark’s journey in royal fun and emotional lbr;; you guys managed to make royal fun for me as well, so thank you so so so much to every single one of you guys;;

a huge thank you for og trc roster that’s still here and dealt with jihoon;s sorry ass back then; a huge thank you for the kt roster that had to deal with jihoon as well, even if it was for a short amount of time;; a huge thank you for sphere, and convex members @seungcheolrk , @rkhyun , @rkjinwook , @kibumrk , @rkjinkis , @rktaeyxng , @tenrk , @rkxroyal , @rkohsehun , @yienrk , @rkromeo , @rkzyx, who will now have to deal with jihoon like it not, but i apologize on his behalf;; even if i don’t say it often, i am really really happy jihoon got to debut with your boys and i’m happy i get to interact with all of you so much;; thank you, thank you, thank you;;

thank you rookies, for such an amazing time!! i can only wish and hope for many more!!!

[sleepyplushie]

Posted on Reblog Page, but its important and i felt like i should share it here.

im trans/agender masculine? (he/they, AFAB) and queer.

i have severe dysphoria. most days, i cant even get out of bed, let alone take a damn shower... it makes me what to vomit, looking at my current body state.

i am also Autistic and have PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociative Amnesia, and ADHD. I am 20 years old.

I plan on getting top surgery, hormone replacement therapy, and a hysterectomy in the near future. ASAP.

My mother was/is highly abusive towards me, mostly verbally/emotionally/&mentally. (my 18 yr old brother, my stepdad, and recently my 7yr old sister have been the same though less frequently.)

i hated my body early on and learned to just.. roll with what mom wanted to avoid getting hit or screamed at...

i despised the dresses, the makeup. i hated my deadname, my assigned pronouns. it wasnt me. my name felt.. disgusting in her mouth to my ears. and i even resorted to telling her a fake chosen name to call me, which she RARELY does... because she turned my first chosen name, and favorite one, into something that leaves a bile taste in my mouth.

she made fun of my boyishness and tried to make me more “girly”. and now, she laughs at me and ssays im not a real man because i like nail polish, pastel colors, sundresses, and cute things... i AM a man! she makes me feel like shit because im feminine and constantly points out my “blood moons” and my chest and my curves...

she makes me hate myself so damn much! my girlfriend (who is transMtF, btw. so my mom doesnt like her much either...she lets my stepdad call her a Sis$y, Tr@p, and such...) wants me to not completely hate my body, but helps me when i feel like garbage because of mom.

i cant say i hate my mother... its almost like she keeps me under a spell that makes me feel more sorry for her then hatred for her. i wish i could hate her sometimes. but i just hope that me, disappearing from her life and starting my new one as the man i know i am!!!!! will make her see. if not, she’ll never see me again. ill come back one day to visit her, once ive completely transitioned, but until i can disappear... im stuck here. in this hecc hole...

and i hate the situation. i hate that parents are like this. i hate that my mom, the woman i wanted so desprately to love me as a child, made me hate my body so much, made me suffer daily from panic attacks and depression. gave me dissociative amnesia and wont admit it, wont help me remember the years i Cant remember. (most of my childhood is just... blank... no memories... i cant remember middle school. or when she first married my stepdad, or when i was really little.)

i am so sorry for this rant. theres alot more shes done and said. alot of it i dont remember completely... sometimes, something will trigger a memory but its heartbreaking and painful to relive and remember the struggle of simply living. it hurts knowing that, despite all this. i do remember before she divorced my dad. when we were somewhat happy. when she still forced me into dresses and scolded me for playing rough and dirty. despite everything, she did not shape who i am. i am bigger then my abuse. i remember clearly, knowing i was a boy even back then. i am so much stronger then what she put me through. and even though no child should have to go through what i did and so many others do, it made me stronger.

i am not a victim. she did not aid me in discovering myself. she will never hold that. that, beautiful awakening of who i am, the man i really am, femininity and all. is my own doing. her hindering of that was merely a setback. she will never hold over me that she made me a victim, that she broke me or scarred me. she will never change who i am, try as she might, i am STRONG in who i am!

i will always be a man, no matter what anyone says. my feminine side doesnt define me. i can wear a pretty yellow sundress and still be a man. i can feel like neither gender one day and still wear nail polish and bows in my hair. i can do whatever i feel comfortable. i am a man. i go by he/they pronouns. and NOTHING will ever change that. ive had 6+ years to think about this.

stay strong and brave, my brothers and sisters, and nonbinary tricksters. dont let your abuser make you a victim. dont give them the RIGHT to make you feel like shit. youll get out soon, youll be free, youll be happy. they can NEVER have your self discovery, nomatter how hard they try to break you down and tear you up. dont give in, dont give them the satisfaction. they dont deserve it.

stay yourselves. stay beautiful.

Yours,

Bambi~

P.S. i will post more eventually telling more of my story... i’ll record here anything i remember as well from my past.

[virulentshadow]

*Hunting Can Be Tough*

It was a rather humid evening in the forests of the shroud just a few miles from Girdania. Walking through some thick foliage was a male miqo'te with dirty blonde hair and some rather disheveled looking adventuring gear. It looked as if he had been hiking for quite a while as dirt covered most of him, while mud covered his boots. There was a sheathed sword on his hip, along with an assortment of daggers on his body. His right ear looks as if the tip of it was bitten off or just missing, and he had brilliant golden eyes as they darted to and fro as he made his way to a clearing. Beads of sweat roll down her face as she sits crouched in the bamble branch watching the wild hoglets and waiting for a chance to strike. Despite the heat and lack of protection she wore cloth robes to hide her face and protect her from the sun. Shes been out tracking and hunting for hours. She hadnt eaten for days. She was feeling weary and her lance was starting to feel heavy in her hands. Now may be her only chance to strike. Unbeknownst to him he’d wipe some sweat that was building on his face with his dirty sleeve. It would do the job or getting the moisture, however there would be a long dirty streak running across his forehead.  As he was making his way through the clearing, he noticed some small hoglets, and not really wanting to be blind sided by the mother waiting in the brush he’d lift his hands out and start yelling obscenities at the hogs, “Get the fuck out of here you stupid shits,” he’d say causing them to start to flee in the opposite direction of him. She jumps startled at the sound of screaming behind her and turns to see a man behind her. “Shut it you idiot! you’ll scare them away” She shouts. But it was too late the hogs started running away… She throws down her lance in anger falls to her knees frustrated at todays hunt. Suddenly theres a loud grunt behind her. Turning her head to look she sees a giant hog who must be the mother of the little ones she was hunting. She scrambles quickly to her feet grabbing her lance off the floor. She was determined to get this hunt in today. Both of his miqo'te ears would perk up at the woman’s voice who he hadn’t noticed prior. He’d blink rather lazily at her as he looked her up and down. He’d give a slight frown at the state of her thin frail body, but as he heard the grunt from behind her his eyes narrow in behind her. “Little girl… you best move out of it’s way… you never stand between a mother and it’s spawn… trust me,” he’d call out as he went to rest his left hand on the hilt of his sword and started making his way towards her. Exhausted and hungry there was no way she was letting this hog go. Tightening her grip on the lance she stepped forward towards the hog and attacked. As her weapon made contact with the hog it let out a loud squeal and became and angry and lunged at her making her fall back. She hit the ground with a thud. Perhaps not wearing armour wasnt a good idea… though she never thought she would be hunting anything this big.

It wasn’t until she was pushed back from a brutal slam from the boar that the Miqo'te man arrived next to her. He’d reach down and unceremoniously wrap his arm around her mid thin midsection and lift her while his left leg went out to the boar to attempt to kick it’s nose in hopes of giving him enough time to carry the small child out of harms way in a hurry… hopefully she wouldn’t put up too much of a fight. Overcome by exhaustion and defeat she let the stranger carry her off. She didn’t speak except to say thank you. She didn’t know if she could trust him yet… as he carried her she studied him a bit.. she hadn’t seen him very clear before. She had some questions but knew now was not the time. She hated being rescued. She hated looking weak. The quick dash from the brush where they were to a good distance from the charging boar would take a few minutes. The ‘trip’ wasn’t pleasant at all for either party as going through brush with no time to peel back branches meant many scratches and maybe even some torn clothes when the mama boar finally gave up pursuit. He would take her to a clearing and let her go to her feet as he was finally able to look at her. His hand went to her chin and guided it upwards as if he was inspecting her. He made a straight face, before it went a bit disappointed. “Even for one of those Aura… you look frail and weak,” he’d say more so to himself then to her. He’d even go as far as turning her completely around to inspect her body fully. She stood there catching her breath while looking the stranger up and down admiring his strong arms that were able to carry her effortlessly through the brush. Blushing lightly when she realized he was watching her she turned her face away from him. “Yyes sir.. It’s been a hard year hunting wise with the humidity and imperialis scouting for hunters.  I guess at this point it would be easier to just move to a different area”

The man continued until he spun her around all they way around so he could see her body fully. “You are thin… weak,” he’d say in a very judging tone as he’d drop down to a knee and pull his pack from his back..  He’d also be sure to give her a few sniffs before pulling out a small little bag  with some dry meats.  "Imperials are probably least of your worries here… hunting in the shroud is forbidden… you are lucky the Adders haven’t caught you hunting.“ he’d say as he slowly rose back to his feet. He’d go to hand over the bag with some jerky in it but before she could take it he’d grip it tighter and pull it back just a bit. "Why should I give you this?” Taken off guard by the strangers blunt rudeness she takes a step back. "I..I don’t know. I guess you shouldn’t. After all I’m just a lowly AuRa to you. I’ll be fine. I’ll hunt again tomorrow in a different area” He lets out a huff through his nose as his ears lower, but doesn’t say anything.  His right hand with the dried meats extends towards the small woman and opens as if to let her take it. As he extends his hand she gets a smell of it… it smelled really good and slowly reaches out to take the bag" He would just blink and watch as she would take the bag. Again he’d let out a huff out of his nose as he glanced back where he took her from. “You would have better luck in La Noscea… or at least less Peril,” he’d say shortly still glancing away from her. She sits in the grass and takes a piece out and.puts it in her mouth looking up at the stranger…. She wondered if he bought it or made it himself .. it was very good. “Thank you….for the food and.the suggestion” “Also, you might not want to go out by yourself… if you are caught… you are just going to end up being someone’s bed warmer,” he’d say bluntly as he started closing his pack and putting his pack back on and preparing himself to depart.  He felt odd as he kept himself back from talking how he normally did… as this small woman seemed meek. “I’ve.. been by myself for quite some time..and while it may get lonely sometimes..Its better that what could happen if I were to befriend the wrong person.” She picked herself up from the grass feeling a tad bit better. Handing him back the half eaten bag. “Thank you. I feel alot better now that I have eaten. I will take your advice and move areas. If you.. have no previous engagements.. you are more than welcome to join me?” She looked at the stranger hoping he would stay with her.. While she didnt know if she could trust him, It was kind of nice having someone to talk to. He would have already taken a few steps from the girl as he paused and both ears perked up just a bit. “You can keep the food… there isn’t to many men… or women that like a half starved girl,” he’d say looking over his shoulder at her again. Again he looks her up and down one final time before turning on his heal and crossing his arms looking at her. “You would want me to join… you? When you are the one that is starving. No I think I will pass,” he’d say shaking his head. “But, it was kind enough for you to… try and welcome me… for that I will let you join me… at least for a bit,” he’d say blinking at her… wondering exactly what she would choose to do. “I ..am not always like this.. Like i said the hunt has been slow lately..and im not really looking to attract any men. Ive never been with one and at this point dont think I ever will be.. Im always on the move and have really only met one person since I left my home.” Pushing back thoughts of the half voidsent from before she looked at him smiling .. “I would love to join you if you truly dont mind it..At least till i can gather some of my strength back.” She picks up her lance and places the half eaten bag of jerky in her robe. “I guess if we are going to be traveling together for alittle while I should introduce myself. My name is Kharina.” He raises his right hand and shakes it a bit as she talks about attracting men. “I didn’t really care to hear about your… past experience with men,” he’d say shaking his head a bit.  He’d let out a sigh before resting his hands on his hips. “You can call me X'sete,” he’d say wrinkling his nose at her a bit. “Woman or not, do not expect any leniency…  and if you are following me I expect you to pull your weight… deal?” he’d say spitting onto the ground to his side and holding out his right hand, ready to give her a firm handshake. Kharina pulled back and turned around. “ Thank you but .. I think its best I just go my own way from here. I appreciate your help from before.. Maybe we will run into eachother later under better circumstances.” She pulled up her hood and began her walk back into the shroud. After a few minutes of walking she realized what her stubbornness and pride was costing her. She turned around and started running back towards X'sete. When she could see him inishe the distance she stopped near out of breath and yelled “Wait” Sete would have already had his back turned and started walking towards the thick brush by the time she seemed to get her head back on straight. He’d let out a rather loud sigh before looking over his shoulder back at her and just starred… waiting for her to say why she wanted him to wait. “..I know i seem weak right now.. and I know that you look at me in disgust for it.. and you dont think I could be of any use but i can be. I would very much like to join you if the offer is still there… I will pull my weight and keep to myself. I promise.” Kharina walked closer to him in hopes that she wouldnt have to continue this alone… at least until she could stand on her own two feet again… and although he seemed to be blunt and proud.. maybe it was better than being completely alone still. “You are wrong. I do not look at you in disgust because you are weak, nor because you are a woman, but that is neither here nor there.” He’d turn back the way he was facing and wouldn’t exactly turn her down from following him… “We are heading into Gridania. I need a bath, and a comfortable bed to sleep on for a couple nights. Is that going to be a problem… the guards aren’t after you are they…?” “No… not that I know of… I’ve been staying off radar for personal reasons.” All she could think about now was sleeping in a bed instead of the grass or in a tree to keep safe from the wild… She couldnt even remember the last time she had been IN Gridania and not just a spectator on the outskirts.. She loved to watch the women go by in the fancy dresses and the men strut around like they serve a purpose. A hot bath… now that would be a real treat.. Nice.. hot relaxing water ..as opposed to washing up in the rivers and lakes around. Snapping out of her daydream she look at him embarrassed by her  thoughts. “Apologies.. I ..didnt mean to take up so much of your time.. we can go as soon as you are ready. Kharina stood behind him waiting for him to continue so she could follow behind .. "That’s good,” he’d say as he’d turn back towards the direction of Gridania and start trudging through the thick brush.  He had no real plans of sharing his bed, nor his bath at least not for free. And for a quick judge of the woman that was now his companion, she couldn’t afford any of that and would probably have to sleep on the floor in his room, or a couch should it be provided. Regardless he moved towards the City and didn’t seem to be in a talkative mood… he must have been out there for a good while or at the tail end of a long journey. “You do not need to apologize for that… nor do you need to apologize for anything to me. Just keep up, and don’t put a blade in me,” he’d say simply as he would makeThey way towards and through the gates of Gridania without much further conversation.