#im going to live and die in my hometown | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

joy-haver · 2 months

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Something that I think is under discussed in found family circles is just how expansive kinship systems can be, and how they are so much more than titles. They are ongoing relationships of care, obligation, and discussion. Im going to talk about the kinship system where I grew up, so you can draw examples from there.

Where I am from, it’s pretty common for people to have godchildren. They typically are declared a godparent when they are late teens to early 20’s. And you might have as many as three god parents, mostly to ensure that one of them takes responsibility. The role of a godparent is to look after your well-being, help raise you, baby sit, educate, mentor, etc. anyone can be made a godparent. Sometimes it’s family members, but usually, it’s a way of tying families together and expanding the kinship of the child to include more people, and to encourage the families of those people to take an interest in their wellbeing. It also is who is meant to take you if your parents die. But sometimes you just go live with them if you get along better. It’s very common in my hometown for children to go live with someone else in the kinship system for really any variety of reasons, and not most of them negative.

In my family, one child in each generation typically has a godparent from another specific family. My mom’s godmother is from this family. That woman’s daughter is my mom’s goddaughter, and she in turn is my godmother. My moms god daughter’s daughter is also my moms goddaughter, and I am godparent to one of her other daughters.

The family of my godparents has a similar relationship with a different family, and my family has a similar relationship with yet another family.

My hometown also has a pretty strong mentorship culture. Sports coaches is common and I think more widespread in other places, but there’s also just like, old people who take an interest in you. Maybe they are music teachers, woodworkers, fishers, weavers, hunters, neighbors, costumers, bakers, hair dressers. It doesn’t really matter, what matters is they teach you something or do activities with you, and look after you. They become Your Old People (this is the phrase we use). It’s not uncommon to greet people in my hometown with “how are your people doing”, and then people expect you to give any and all news about the 4 or 5 elders who mentor you, maybe their families or other mentees, your entire family out to second cousins, your godfamily, their godfamily, and your siblings god families. And maybe neighbors, if they eat at your house more than every other week (which might be about 30-50 more people). This means you have about a hundred or so people who are “your people”. Who you have to right to talk about, and share personal news about. They have an obligation to talk about your needs, desires, achievements, and flaws when they are asked about their people.

When we introduce each other to someone and they don’t know each other (rare, it’s a small town) we say things like “and their great great grandmother on this side was so-and-so, and their great great aunt on that side was so-and-so.” The people we say tend to be significant in some way, long dead anchors of a family who are still talked about. This serves to help situate someone’s family context in your mind, and we tend to know enough genealogy that it tells you if you are kin, who they are kin to, and how everyone is related (which helps avoid incest).

But we also tend to say “and they hunt with Mr. So-and-so, and they make pottery with Mr. _____, and go on to cook with momma ~~~~ most every other day”. We might say who their godparent is too, if it’s a significant relationship, but usually that comes up later. The point is; When you meet someone, you situate them in a context of elders, kin, and care. And every time you meet them after you see them in that context of kin and care. The line between individuals and their kinship circle is fuzzy.

Linguistically, in my hometown dialect, both “y’all” and “you” can be either singular or plural.

“How you doin” can mean “how are you and how are your people. I don’t wanna talk about everybody in town I wanna talk about the people important to you.” Or, it can mean “how are you, personally, doing”. This is differentiated by tone, context, and gestures. The inclusion of are, as in “how are you doing” also tends to indicate that it’s more personal. “How you doin” is an invitation and an obligation. You can’t rush it. You have to go through a list in your head and give any and all news about people in your structure. (This is why going to the grocery store in my hometown takes many hours).

“How y’all doin” tends to be more informal, and an invitation to have a much more informal discussion, with less detail. Therefor, you get to decide a bit more what you answer with. You could talk about people outside your kinship structure, or just events that happened, or anything really. The personal vs broad distinction is still made in the same ways, but you have more of a choice in how you answer.

I could go on and on about this, but the point is; family isn’t just people you like. Kinship structures are about who you talk about, who you bring up. Who you mentor, who you look after, who you care for. It’s a commitment. It’s a responsibility. It’s a way of relating to people and discussing them and thinking about them.

For me, these kinship structures were all disrupted when I came out as trans, and I was essentially exiled. I’m still connected to my bio family and one of my mentors, but that’s really it. There is a deep, deep loss for me. So when I heard about found family the first time, when I was freshly homeless and disconnected from my whole kinship structure, I was so excited. I wanted something to replace what I lost. But so much of what we call found family is really just broken promises, and hollow words.

When people talk about queerness and found family, im really begging them to talk about structures like this. About building something real, and complex. I don’t want half assed “people who are your friends and hang out with you.” Or “whoever your roommates happen to be”. I want systems of ongoing obligation, of care, of regard.

Sometimes I feel like a vestigial limb that’s been chopped off of the body. And I want to Belong to something again.

#rose baker #my culture #ethnography #found family #queerness #family

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respectthepetty · 1 year

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I think your theory about Saifah robbing Kang’s house seems pretty plausible. Im just wondering what happens after that. We see Sailom getting shot at which is crazy. But why? Are the debt collectors just evil villains willing to murder a poor kid because he can’t payback money or is it something else?

Anon, oooooohhhhh, I have spent far too much time thinking about this particular scene in the Dangerous Romance trailer, and I think it boils down to politics.

So I offer you my wildest ass theory yet!

At first, I thought since Sailom has to go back to escorting with Saifah in jail, Kanghan will fuck up that job with his anger, leaving Sailom with no way to get the money to pay the debt collectors. They follow him with plans to shoot him, but . . . they are the torture type (iron to skin, remember?) because they still want their money. They wouldn't kill him. ❌

So I thought about the possibility of Kang swindling someone on his honeymoon by playing pool to get more money, and pissing someone off, so they go after Sailom, but they have to drive to the honeymoon place, so would that person find them again back in their hometown? No. ❌

Then, I thought that Sailom hustled someone to get the money, and they are pissed off at him. He knows how to make money, so maybe he swindled someone, and they angrily chased him down like the guy who aggressively approached in the alley for sex in episode three.

But then I remembered that Sailom isn't about that life, which is why he gets upset at Saifah. He doesn't like to deceive people, so he can get money. He takes up escorting because the client is getting what he paid for, which is his company and dinner with him. Sailom isn't being deceitful to get money. ❌

This is Laws of Attraction political.

Why would Saifah, who normally asks clients for gifts, rob a client's house? But more importantly, why would he rob a client's house that his brother is basically living in?

HE WOULDN'T!

At least, he wouldn't do that intentionally. But his high school buddy who doesn't have an honest job sure the hell would!

But, but, but, why would Name want to rob the house? He is a debt collector. Saifah and Sailom being in that house assures that they can pay their debt. So is he trying to make a quick buck too? NO!

Either Name leaves his job as a debt collector and joins Saifah in his great adventure as a rich person's caretaker or he has motivation for being in that house and "robbing" it. I have believed someone gets shot during the robbery by mistake, but what if it isn't a mistake? What if the robbery is simply a cover-up, and the shooting is the real purpose for being in the house?

The dad is running for office.

That means he is a target from "all sorts of people."

So Name gets in the house under the guise of taking some stuff, only to intend to shoot Kang's dad because his boss tells him to. Saifah isn't about this plan, freaks out, and tries to stop it. The dad still gets shot, but it isn't as bad as it could have been because Saifah intervened maybe. Saifah gets arrested, but Name (and others?) escape. Sailom believes his brother didn't have anything to do with the shooting and in normal Sailom fashion, he won't let that injustice slide.

Saifah is already in jail, but Sailom has now become an unpredictable loose end. The night of the Sailom's shooting, both boys are in a (police) office possibly hearing more news about the open investigation. This could be before he gets shot, but it could also be him reporting the shooting after Kang rescues him, but either way, it's meaningful to the criminal investigation.

Name or whoever his boss is can't have Sailom out there running his mouth. Sailom may not even know anything, but he knows the debt collectors, he has been escorting (the ONE client who may or may not have some info), and he knows his brother would not shoot someone. He knows SOMETHING that can connect Name or whoever his boss is to the shooting of Kang's dad, so little homie gotta die.

I noticed before that Kang doesn't take Sailom back to his house after rescuing him, and this isn't Sailom's house either. It's not the hotel from their honeymoon stage that has to happen in episode 8 or 9.

If the grandma was shot, I feel the dad would stay at the house, but if the dad got shot, the grandma would move Kang somewhere safe because she knows this wasn't an accidental shooting (Pimfah's house?). Kang is protected, but Sailom isn't.

The last snippets from the trailers and OST are coming up in the next two episodes, which means only the shooting, the shower scene, and the swings scene (which feels like the final) are left for the last three episodes.

It seems like a lot of plot but we need the "dangerous" portion of this romance, so if the dad is shot by episode 9 . . .

my wild ass theory might just have a chance.

#dangerous romance #wild theory time #I think this is political #and the baddies won't be caught until the last episode #we need the dangerous portion now

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suffarustuffaru · 11 months

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my feelings on certain otto [redacted] flags in arc 8 👍

heyyy so this is gonna have major spoilers so ill put it under the cut 👍👍 again, this is all my opinion so youre perfectly welcome to disagree <3

ok so. i dont know if this is controversial to say or not but i dont think otto should actually permadie. instead, i think that he should have a fakeout death (also you know, deaths that get reversed by rbd if you want to go that route too). but not a PERMANENT one.

and ok i know anyone whos looked at my blog content lately would probably be like “oh you dont want him to die for real because hes one of your favorite characters ever???” and like no yeah, but its not that im opposed to punishing my favorites. im opposed to otto permadying because i feel like him permadying would be spitting on the purpose of both his character and certain themes in rezero.

otto is a very sacrificial person. hes a lot like subaru—he is willing to die for his loved ones. he would sacrifice anything, including himself. all of ottos deaths in rezero so far are reflected in that. he dies in arc 3 because he goes back to save subaru after pushing him out of the wagon in the white whale loop but he dies on the way back. he dies in arc 4 because he pushes subaru out of the way and gets killed by garfiel. otto writes a suicide note in arc 4 before confronting garfiel because hes perfectly willing to die for subaru. ottos been going on a darker path now, because now we know his absolute sacrificial loyalty extends to letting entire countries die, letting people subaru cares about die (louis/spica), and opposing subaru to the point where otto deems it his “reason for being”—aka his reason to be in vollachia, his reason to be in the emilia camp, and his reason to exist and live. otto is set up for a collision course with subaru, and this wont be ending well for him.

ottos faced consequences for his actions in the past—when him bringing the tome into priestella caused the siege, he was severely injured and left bedridden. this was a personal consequence for his actions there. but he hasnt faced any lasting consequences yet, especially when hes fully convinced that he himself knows whats best and is doing the “right” thing, and so hes perfectly set up to have lasting consequences at some point in the future. hes the perfect candidate for a permadeath, even—the arc 7 side stories brought him closure to the plot point of him being exiled from his hometown, and hes someone whos death will create ripple effects from his family and marone (who’ve featured in various side stories as well), the emilia camp (both as a friend and internal affairs minister), and subaru most of all (who, well, has rbd and is determined to save everyone, as we know, and subaru is aware of the possibility of otto ending up like chisha).

but i still have problems with otto dying permanently.

otto permadying punishes everyone around him more than it punishes HIM, the latter of which has been the buildup for his entire arc. otto permadying would only really have that as a narrative purpose—punishing the people otto cares about, particularly subaru. thats ALL that would be accomplished out of an otto permadeath when a fakeout death would not only still get the emotional impact across but also be a better writing choice in general.

as ive said, otto is prone to sacrifice. otto is prone to self-sacrifice on top of that. he always has been since his debut in arc 3. the way hes most likely to die is and always has been through self-sacrifice, especially for subaru, and especially since ottos death flags are a parallel to chisha (who died to save vincent). otto also parallels subaru a lot. more specifically, his current arc follows similar beats to arc 4 subaru or even greed if subaru - otto is, frankly, a control freak who thinks he knows best, refuses help from anyone else, and is self-destructive. but subaru gets called out by the narrative in arc 4 for going down this path, and greed if shows the complete consquences of this (aka - greedbaru ends up dehumanizing everyone, including himself, and tramples over other people's free will). so why is subaru allowed to learn the value of his life and continue trying to grapple with that lesson over the next couple arcs while ottos arc goes down the same path as subaru's but has the potential to end up with him ultimately dying?

then again - yeah, subarus the main character. and yeah, otto permadying wraps up his arc and character in a nice little bow. it's had a lot of buildup and would be a very perfect tragic character arc for him. however it is 1. i personally find this to be the more boring choice in a series where characters can die and come back to life, especially for a crucial side character to subaru like otto and 2. this is the more straightforward predictable choice given the Numerous Obvious Hints that something bad will happen to otto, namely permadeath, and 3. i think that the amount of characters being fridged for subarus character development should be kept to a minimum. we've already seen this with rem being gluttonyed. and being fridged for subaru's character development is something that otto would be very fine and happy with, so again, this is punishing everyone around him more than its punishing otto. ottos character arc buildup does suggest that he'll have to face consequences eventually. him permadying is not the most interesting narrative consequence that could happen imo, and given his parallels to subaru, i feel that this would not serve as a reflection of how otto is a dark parallel to subaru. otto permadying would be less a reflection and a warning to subaru and more so just otto winning over subaru in a story that supports subaru choosing companionship and trying to save everyone.

"what do you mean 'otto winning over subaru'?" otto is, again, a dark mirror to subaru. otto values his loved ones over everyone else, and he is willing to pay any price to save his loved ones. he is willing to destroy everyone else for their sake, and in arc 8, he has always tried to choose the more ruthlessly logical and practical choice over the morally right one that subaru embodies. otto goes nope, lets leave vollachia for dead but only take the people subaru cares about while subaru insists on saving everyone, as he always has tried to do since ARC 1. ottos even warned subaru in arc 8 - what happens if someone very close to subaru, like anyone in the emilia camp, gets hurt or dies all because they decided to stay in vollachia? otto permadying, especially as a result of the vollachia conflict, proves him right all along. that they shouldve chosen the more practical option over the morally right one. which i feel that would kind of miss the whole point of the STORY ITSELF supporting subaru trying to save everyone while holding onto hope and stayed determined since, again, ARC 1.

"but subaru needs to learn that he cant save everyone, and otto permadying would be a good way to show this." yeah. thats true. subaru needs to learn that he cant forgive and redeem everyone, subaru needs to learn that some things are just unavoidable, and that some things cant be forgiven. otto is very against subarus ideology to the point where hes decided his whole reason for being is to be against subaru. otto dying is very fitting, and if he does permadie, he'd represent the friend and loved one that you cant save - the friend that you try to help, refuses your help, and then ends up destroying themselves. its a very realistic, human thing. but 1. again, i think characters being fridged for subaru should be kept to a minimum bc the whole point of rezero is that they are ALL people with their own lives and 2. again, ottos parallels to subaru make this a little. odd, for lack of a better term. 3. subaru has other chances to learn that he cant save everyone, because ultimately the otto subaru conflict needs a middle ground.

so 1. about fridging characters for subarus development. again, its not as if you cant kill or hurt characters for another character. you can still do this. but i think this should be kept to a minimum - or at least have more than just "subaru will learn a lesson from this" as the narrative purpose behind it. subaru over the course of the entire main route learns that the people around him are just that - PEOPLE. not npcs or anything like that. and now once we get to arc 8, he has a lot of empathy for others. hes quick to forgive, especially because hes seen so many people at both their worst and best, and many of the worst times happened in timelines that no longer exist ergo those people are no longer those people. this is especially poignant in a series with so many damn side stories and side characters each with their own complicated lore; these are people. they still have lives outside of subaru. fridging characters for subarus development, i think, kind of undermines this if thats the ONLY reason youre gonna kill or hurt them.

especially when it comes to permadeath. it isnt a writing choice you can make lightly - especially in a series where, again, characters die and come back. so 2. given how much otto parallels subaru and his perpetual struggle with valuing life and valuing himself, neither of which otto values unless its his loved ones (and even then otto is willing to emotionally devastate them if it means theyre safe), i think an otto permadeath would kind of. undermine subarus struggle in that sense, imo - because otto is struggling with almost the EXACT SAME THING.

would it be interesting if subaru has to see otto end up permanently dying for similar reasons that subaru often dies for? would it be interesting if subaru has to see otto destroying himself in ways that hit a little too close to home? yeah. it would. and it WOULD continue that ongoing motif of otto mirroring subaru in the darkest ways. subaru has to look at otto and see not just himself, but see that he could end up like otto. but i think that this is ALREADY happening. subaru seeing the parallels with him and otto will happen, if it hasnt already, and it sure can happen without killing otto permanently. if otto tries to sacrifice himself and fails to do so, subaru can still see this and be impacted by it. if a fake otto death happens, subaru will still be destroyed by it. and of course, eventually subarus bound to figure out ottos thoughts and plans regarding louis/spica, along with everything else going on in ottos brain right now. theres no need to kill otto for good when all of the emotional weight behind it is still possible in many other ways without undermining subarus character development - because otto is going through very similar character development. and again, otto would be HAPPY to die for subarus sake. calling out subaru while letting otto do the same thing as subaru would feel a bit. odd. to me.

and 3. yeah. subaru has other chances to learn that he cant save everyone. he has multiple chances, in fact, and this already started with rem being gluttonyed at the end of arc 3/start of arc 4 (along with injuries that occurred in the white whale fight + crusch being gluttonyed). subaru learned that sometimes terrible things can happen and rbd wont be able to reverse it because his save point updated to AFTER it happened, and rem was a good example of this because she was the person he was closest to at the time. this continues on later, too - the injuries that happen in priestella, for one (such as the juukuliuses being gluttonyed, the dragon blood, numerous citizens, etc), along with subaru having to face this in vollachia when he tries to pull off his bloodless sieges and avoid as many citizen casualties as possible. or when he thinks about if todd can be redeemed only for todd to continue proving him wrong again and again. and this is on top of all the other people subaru befriends in vollachia, of course.

"but subaru needs a PERMANENT consequence." well, theres also the fact that subarus trying to save 50 million people, aka the entire population of vollachia right now, which is very much a herculean task. if he manages to save almost everyone but some citizens die, this would still get the point across. and if you need a bigger, more personal consequence to subaru than that - louis/spica is RIGHT THERE.

the current conflict over spica is already sowing the seeds for this, because this is a lasting, permanent conflict. people like julius and otto want spica dead and acknowledge that, given the amount of people she's hurt, that is the most likely scenario for her. people like the rest of the emilia camp acknowledge that spica is guilty, but that its difficult to punish her given her mental state right now and the fact that subaru and rem care about her. meanwhile subaru and rem themselves care for spica like a daughter and dont want her to be hurt or punished in any way. that being said, the louis/spica conflict - again, needs some kind of solution, and i dont think letting louis/spica scot-free is the right solution here from a writing perspective.

we already get robbed of an arc from louis in the sense that after she fucked around and found out (ie: experienced rbd for herself after messing with subaru), by start of arc 7 she just. became mostly a blank slate. of course its understandable that shes traumatized after experiencing rbd, but it is also kind of. a bummer. that we dont get an arc where she actually grows and changes gradually she just goes from Point A (pre-arc 7) to Point B (now having the mind of a toddler in arc 7+), but there is a slight intrigue to her now being a blank slate. how do you reconcile her past actions and past self with who she is now? is she still capable of doing those things she did before - is the person she was still in there? because you know, since she cant really communicate properly its hard to understand her straightforwardly too. but i dont think that louis should get off the hook - unlike many other people subaru has forgiven, she didnt grow. her past self basically got erased. and its not like all those people whove done things in other timelines that they wouldnt do now - things that ultimately only subaru was affected by because hes the one who knows and hes forgiven them of course. but louis? subaru and rem arent the only ones whove been hurt by her, theres SO MANY others whove been affected by louis and gluttony in general. every one of them has a say in what happens to louis, and her getting no consequences kind of misses the point.

that and. well, subaru can learn that he cant save everyone because 1. he is forgetting that he is not the only gluttony victim here ergo he is not the only one who has a say in what happens to louis and 2. if he sides with louis/spica over everyone else, this is going to have disastrous consequences for him. not just in the sense that you know, this is causing friction with his friends - and not even only in the sense that thisll cause a TON of uproar if this gets out publicly because again, a lot of people have been affected by gluttony - but also because theres the question of if that past louis is still there. or what happens if louis gluttonies someone on accident? or on purpose? can subaru still really side with her then? can he really save her when theres a LOT that shes done? and if someone like otto manages to kill louis and subaru is prevented from rbding - hes still going to be absolutely destroyed emotionally. spica is not freed from consequences just because subarus claimed her as his. and subaru is not freed from consequences after deciding to choose spica over many of his friends (julius is a BIG one, because subaru of all people knows how much julius - and joshua - were fucked over by gluttony). subaru cant save everyone. he has to learn that eventually, and spica is somewhere to start.

that being said, again, i dont want otto to win either when it comes to the vollachia arc in general. his habit of keeping secrets and doing things behind other people's backs and fading into the background whenever it suits him has gone on for a while, and he NEEDS to be called out for it. subaru and otto's moral dilemma conflict just needs to have a middle ground of some kind, and i really dont want ottos ruthless pragmatism to be the end all be all. but i also dont think subaru should win at EVERYTHING either, because his idealism needs to be reeled back a tiny bit. as it is in vollachia rn, its not sustainable and its not realistic. rezero is not a children's story about how no one dies and everyone's friends in the end, but it damn sure tries to be with its main route in the sense that the point is that you TRY to do that to the best of your ability. but if you cant - if youve exhausted all other possibilities and theres no other choice - then you just cant. the point isnt that you give up and abandon people to suffer and die. the point isnt that you hurt people on purpose either. the point isnt that you try to save EVERYONE even to everyones detriment. the point isnt that you try to be perfect and completely flawless at all times too, because thats not possible.

the point is that you do your best, try to save as many as you can, and thats enough.

"ok so if otto isnt permadying then how is he gonna get punished by his hubris???" easy. do EVERYTHING to hurt him shy of actually killing him permanently. that and like - if he decides to pull some shit similar to chisha and make a whole plan to sacrifice himself for subaru, but then he still lives afterwards... what do you do now? how do you live on now? thatd be more mortifying to him - living on and being emotionally vulnerable with everyone around him after planning to die - than ACTUALLY DYING. living and knowing all his loved ones see him as who he is in all his entirety - the good and bad and the really ugly - would, again, be a worse consequence for him than DYING. make him get close to death and then yank him back and youd get more interesting results than just straightforwardly killing him. because hes been planning for this since that time he wrote a suicide note in arc 4. if subaru doesnt get off the hook for this behavior, then otto narratively shouldnt.

therefore a fakeout death for otto would still get all the emotional weight and narrative punishment that a real death would, complete with being able to see the effect this has on subaru + ottos other loved ones. a fakeout death would be the perfect middle ground between a permadeath + letting otto live. and when otto comes back, he’ll still have to face consequences for his actions, including having to learn how to live for his loved ones, not die and sacrifice for them.

#rezero #natsuki subaru #otto suwen #louis arneb #arc 8 spoilers #i feel very strongly on this subject aljsdfljs i just think that the otto flags being real would be the LEAST interesting option here. and #dont see many other people talking about the pros and cons of that actually happening - just that its likely to happen - and from a writing #perspective it makes me a little salty bc imo i think it kinda undermines some things flajsldfj. im not that big of a lore nerd #unless it comes to Character Arcs. and so i feel very strongly on this hah

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bentosandbox · 1 year

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extremely sporadic Lone Trail thoughts or something

not a summary

when they said kirsten was extremely charismatic they really meant it i was all LETS GOOOO SMASH DA SKY until silence had a whole speech to parvis on how she wants to stop kirsten because ethics and i got pulled back to terra lmao haha sorry you're right olivia...

So mumu grew up an orphan and eventually found her people except it was not so much a settlement than a graveyard.... and at one point she went to Sami and found a bunch of elves except 'I finally found a small forest in the endless ice fields of Sami, but... I am not a leaf, just a drop of water'

shes helping kirsten because elves are like super weak to originium and die fast after exposure to it or something so she gave K a bunch of plants and trees to bring to space to see if they could live etc and so naturally she ends up fighting saria which the latter wins and kicks mumu out of the room (theyre on kirsten's funny ship at this point) theyre in and mumu is like 'i don't want to leave here...i dont want to be alone...I really got abandoned again'

'Fake. False. Forged. If the trajectories of stars are truly untraceable, how have we avoided collisions with other stars throughout the ages? Are we that special? What kind of land are we exactly living on? Where are we headed? ......These questions... I've repeated them in your ears too many times.'

the food they cooked with this last line wtf. hello

What do you mean Saria was like ok enough I'm going to cover the both of us in Calcite and we'll go back and Kirsten was like nope.jpg (activates emergency exit not built for herself but for saria because she just knew saria would come ofc. oF COURSE)

the story was great but im still so devastated i knew she was going to have a laika adjacent end but well. time to cry myself to sleep thinking about how kirsten has only felt alive twice in her life

'the first, saria, when i brought you back to my hometown, and on that hillside, i told you how everything began. the second, is now, when i have fulfilled this dream of mine and my parents.'

her slowly switching off the power in every room of her donut skewer ship and going 'goodnight people of terra, goodnight universe' (she has a hibernation capsule thingy but like. it took hella lot of sarcophagi to even launch her this time so. you know..............feeling very similar to when i just finished madoka rebellion for the first time

#arknights #lone trail #i should tag all these tl posts under something #bentotexto #maybe i should finally change my blog header/title yet another crazy scientist woman rewiring my brain whats up with them!!

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clownfire · 9 months

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BitB! Prime Defenders AU

The division of character roles isn't straight forward so I'll try to explain as best I can. (warning this au is kinda depressing im not gonna lie)

10 years after the disappearance of their friend Ashe Winters, William Wisp, Dakota Cole, and Vyncent Sol reunite in their sleepy hometown of DeadWood Louisiana.

William never left. Out of a misplaced obligation to find his missing friend or just plain cowardice, he still lives there with his parents.

Dakota never became the sports star he dreamed of being. Instead he teaches high-school PE in California. He's adored there, but it still eats him up inside. Hopefully he can help someone else live up to the greatness that he never could.

Vyncent could say that he was successful. He got his degrees, became an accountant, and earns enough to make his parents proud. He should be happy. But his thoughts still linger in DeadWood, guilt haunting his every waking moment.

The night Ashe would go missing, the four were invited to a Halloween party at Summer's house. As the night went on, many drinks were had and a shouting match broke out between Vyncent and William. It started with William throwing petty insults at Vyncent for dancing with Summer (framing it as 'how dare you dance with my crush?' instead of 'my crush, how dare you dance with someone?'), and escalates when Vyncent accidentally lets slip that he's moving to Chicago as soon as he graduates. William's jealousy turns to fear of abandonment, and Vyncent's confusion and frustration boils over, angrilly calling William immature and naive. William ends the fight by storming out, Ashe finding him and taking out on a walk to cool him down. Dakota stays behind and diffuses the lingering tension at the party.

Ashe and William end up wandering deep into the bayou where they are attacked by the newly emerged elder-brain. They both die that night. Ashe is subsumed by the hive and becomes the host for the queen, William is replaced and spat out as its first 'worker ant'.

Vyncent is ultimately the one who finds Will after a week of the two being declared missing, washed ashore by their favourite tree. Ashe is never found.

Dakota blames himself for not being there to protect them. Vyncent blames himself for not looking hard enough. Will believes deep down that when he begged the bayou to spare him, it listened.

================================

Miscellaneous

For the most part, William = Rand, Vyncent = Rolan, Dakota = Kian, and Ashe = Rachel. The major deviation being that William was the first to be bugged, as Rolan was in canon. Another is that Dakota is the one coming to DeadWood for his parent's funeral (in this AU Dakota doesn't become an orphan until his thirties, yay!).

Mark fill's Mr Dickman's role. He heavily resents Will, placing the responsibility squarely on him, but he is the only person left who hasn't given up on finding his son, so they exist in a tense alliance based on this mutual goal.

Bookworm fills Rat's role. After Dakota and Vyncent leave, he befriends Will and helps him research.

GhostKnife exists in this AU, with all the 80's repression and pent up guilt of KeepersChampion.

Haven't decided yet if anything resembling the Becky encounter happens. If you have any ideas of how to integrate it / something to replace it with, let me know.

#jrwi pd #jrwi bitb #jrwi bitb spoilers #jrwi au #bitb au #jrwi pd au #krow posts #bitb spoilers

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dolldefaced · 11 months

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read the recent stuff and i want to ramble about jason, bc really the rest of this plot was goofy. i appreciated the brief duke + tim stuff tho, cutee i missed u duke hiiii byeeee anyway

we start batman/catwoman: the gotham war the scorched earth #1 with bruce brushing off what he did to jason

at least it's getting better but like there's a fuckton of daily non vigilante activities that jump your adrenaline, you know, like running last issue?

GET HIS ASS JASON GET HIIIIIM!! NEVER LET HIM LIVE THIS DOWN!!!!!!

and HE STILL JUSTIFIES IT jesus

not jason but i think this exchange with zur is interesting because...bruce brushes him off. there is no indication zur is doing anything to him rn.

he's also not as freaked as he was in earlier issues. now these issues have the tone and pacing consistency of the weather in my hometown (none), but we will return to this

jason grabs the batplane and once again saves the fucking day even under the Fear tm. he blows up the meteor and does not die, despite the 5 second fakeout

jason babe literally you do not need to do this. jason's too good you should push him in at this point. comforting him after selina decided to have a 5 minute death....ilu :(

zur ofc could be lying his ass off (but also bruce made zur) and idk if that's the route they're gonna go later but.... honestly i don't think it's 100% zur. i dont think it was ever 100% zur. i think it's 50/50 at max, and maybe even way less in this moment.

also it's been two weeks and there's no indication he's apologized to jason or tried to fix what he did

also dick almost beat him the fuck up and now he's like 'im sure you had your reasons'

beat him again!!! don't say this shit!!! you were right the first time.

he still thinks what he did to jason was right imo!!! and i also read this like...he's saying he's not an example bc of how he is a vigilante...ignoring that the second time he met jason, jason was doing a vigilantism on the ma gunn gang without batman at all...girl it aint about you. the reason you suck is your control issues, not the helping people part, do more of the latter and way less of the former

also read that first bubble! he's justifying it! he's not apologizing!! also no they dont need you going off being fucking wild. dick LITERALLY just offered to help your ass. jesus.

unrelated to jason:

stop making the batfam nuclear. jesus. they dont need a mommy!!!!!!! they dont need 'parents'!!! SOME OF THEM EVEN STILL HAVE THEIR OWN GODDAMN PARENTS. fuck off!!!!!!!!

you can be a family without the nuclear core open your fucking eyes dc!!!!

ending thoughts:

idk i think if dc lets a writer actually go into the crux of bruce being the major problem rn i will enjoy it, because i like fucked up messy family dynamics, but i really don't want this brushed aside like the multitude of other fucked up things bruce has done. history, however, is not on my side. i suspect there will be something big at the end of all this, resulting in another big team up where we dont talk about shit :/ pretty please prove me wrong dc <3

#batman/catwoman: the gotham war the scorched earth #the gotham war #the gotham war spoilers #bruce wayne #jason todd #dc #bruce wayne critical #hesitated bc it's literally just. canon rn. but ig some people arent into that. fair enough! curate away!

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eddiemunsonswhxre · 8 months

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where have i been?

an update for those curious.

hey there my loves, long time no see.

i’m not sure how many of you will actually read this or care to see why i haven’t written in over a year now but typing this stuff out helps me process and get back into my groove.

well, today is january 16, 2024. the last thing i posted that was an actual one shot was posted on january 3, 2023. i haven’t written since. 2023 was my worst year yet and caused me to learn a lot about people and myself.

things were going alright in the beginning, i was in my second semester of college and my biggest problem was 2 of my 3 roommates (lived in a quad) hated each other so me and my bestie/3rd roommate had to play mediator and it was exhausting. i started liking a guy and got my hopes up. and i started to get more and more annoyed with school and my living situation every day. i was ecstatic to move out of that room despite hating my hometown. the day of move out, one of my roommates who i thought was someone very close to me blocked me and all of our friends on everything with no explanation but we knew she wasn’t coming back for 23-24.

i like where i grew up for a maximum of a week at a time, after that my depression just kicks my ass and im not having a great time. my plan for the summer was to work my ass off so much so that i wouldn’t have time to think of anything else. that backfired, because a few days after i came home one of my two jobs fell through unexpectedly and my other job was giving me less than half the hours they promised me. i was broke. everyone says it’s so easy to get a job these days because everyone is hiring but i applied to over ten places within a reasonable distance from me and didn’t get a single one. so i spent too much time with myself and that’s not normally a good thing.

to make matters even worse, in june my mom was sentenced to three years in prison for a crime she committed back in 2020. i don’t want to get into too many specifics, but my mom would never harm anyone she just has struggled with addiction. my mom was my constant emotional support, and knowing she was no longer going to be around ripped me to shreds. not even a month later after my mom was shipped off to prison, my dog died. and i know you might think “dogs die all the time it’s a pet.” but my dog was much more than that. she wasn’t even three years old and was a beautiful great pyrenees german shepard mix and she was the sweetest girl ever. i don’t care how ridiculous it sounds, because i know my soul and hers were meant to be together. i was even in the process of registering her as an emotional support animal so i could take her to college with me because she was finally old enough and for the most part out of the puppy phase. but one night out of nowhere she got really sick and within an hour of her showing signs something was wrong she died while i was holding her. not the greatest thing for a 19 year old who’s already struggling to experience. it took my over a month to stop seeing her like that every time i closed my eyes. call me dramatic, but that dog really was a child to me.

after that, i went to stay with my cousin for a few weeks and that was nice but i still knew i wasn’t feeling right. i moved back to school in august and had way too high of hopes that everything would fix itself. surprise, it didn’t. in fact, i just got worse. i reached lows i haven’t hit in over two years. i was having roommate problems, i was trying to do way too much at once, and i was neglecting my health. i had a breakdown.

the highlight of my semester was taking a week off to visit my best friend since age 2 for her birthday (she lives roughly a 2 hour plane ride away from me now) with our other two best friends. then i came back and immediately totaled my car. my car was a piece of shit yes, but it got me places. not having a car when you’re a person who drives around to destress is not fun. i was even worse mentally at this point and i was trying so so hard to get into my overbooked doctor to get my medications raised. the only constant i had were my three friends at school and my studies. so i threw myself into them. i was never alone and if i was i was nose deep in a text book. i was just avoiding the rest of my existence. i was able to get my meds upped and decided i was done wallowing. i started a diet that is actually manageable and enjoyable and discovered for the first time workouts that i actually liked doing. it was something small, but i knew i was turning myself around.

i went home for winter break knowing it was going to be tough. i also had to spend this time looking for a new car. it was an extremely stressful process to say the least. but i focused on myself, taking all the time for myself that i needed and processing everything that had made me get to such a bad place. i’ve always been very spiritual, so i dove more into that as well as trusting the universe.

i’ve decided that 2024 will be my best year yet. i got a new car, im getting a new job, im doing great in school, my mom is getting released from prison literally six hours after i post this, and im taking care of myself in more ways than one. while doing a lot of that reflecting, i remembered how much i used to love to write and how that passion just died after loving it since i was ten. i started small, doing short story exercises and getting into reading again. i finally, after an entire year, have my passion for writing back.

i can’t promise i’ll be consistent with uploads because i’ve decided that my goal for the year is to write a novel. so that project is going to be my main focus and it isn’t anything fanfic related, it’s actually a psychological thriller. more than likely i will be asking for opinions on here throughout the year as well.

with that said, my plans this year for this blog are to keep posting. eddie munson is mainly who i write for, but i want to expand my horizons. i want to challenge myself with genres and types of characters. i will greatly appreciate any requests you can give and i promise i will read through them. if i don’t post them right away, just know it may come out three months later. sometimes inspiration sparks at weird times.

if you’ve read this far, thank you. i hope this can inspire you to see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes you’ve gotta dig the extra dirt to it yourself. beyond thankful to anyone who was here a year ago and has come back to read my new stuff- you made an aspiring writer really proud of herself.

much much love

-eddiemunsonswhxre 🤍

#eddiemunsonswhxre #i’m back #mental health is important

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elkieanddoppo · 3 days

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probably gonna write a full blown kunizai fic inspired by the "lost" chapter of noli me tangere aka the chapter 25: elias and salome. i think kunikida really "fits" salome's role in that novel uhh.

to people who doesnt know what their story is erm (pls correct me if im wrong), elias has to protect his country and go somewhere bc he's one of the main character's allies? so he has to leave salome. so uh when he met up again with her, salome tried her hardest to convince him to stop and just live with her in her hometown. but elias refuses to. and then she cries a bit as he says his farewell. she knows that that will be the last time they will see each other.

OK WELL ANYWAY, i want to write a kunizai fic where it's like in canon lore/story but kunikida is a regular citizen (still has his ability but isnt in the ada). kunikida wants dazai to stop being a "hero" and just come/leave with him to another part of japan far away from yokohama or outside japan where they can live peacefully. dazai ofc refuses. he refuses to see any of his friends die from a being that he could have stopped.

"just forget me, doppo. afterall, this is how i can atone my sins. i will help save this country, i will protect yokohama and the agency members. im afraid i can not leave with you, my beloved."

kunikida sighs, "well then, please at the very least, you should remember me. sleep here where I have slept and dreamed....it would be as if I myself were living with you, as if I were by your side."

"oh, my love. i will remember you until the end of time." dazai said as he turned his back towards kunikida and walked away, never looking back.

kunikida follows him with his eyes as he stood still, listening to his footsteps gradually fading away.

"i will forget you but know that we are bound together by soul. i will wait for you in the afterlife, dear." he smiled.

i will start writing this after my midterms so uh yeah, i'll post it in ao3 after im done

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd kunikida #bsd kunikida doppo #bsd dazai #bsd dazai osamu #kunizai #kunikidazai #kunikizai #kunikida doppo #bsd fic #elias and salome #inspired by noli me tangere #noli me tangere chapter 25 #im excited to write this

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specialmouse · 2 months

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I wish i could forget english for a day and go walk around and pretend im in a foreign country without the consequences of offending someone because idc if the ghouls they call people in my hometown live or die

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anaalnathrakhs · 5 months

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heeehee hooohoho nothing has weight, sense, or value anymore. everything is everybody's fault. no one can be blamed for anything. sorry for being an asshole i'm just going to fucking kill myself.

i asked my mom if she remembered if we set up an account for me to check an info, she said she didn't know, i said okay thanks, don't do anything about it though.

this afternoon, while i'm sleeping, i get a text that goes like "okay so you do this and this and this on the website!" and i haul my ass out of bed to do it before the cutoff time this evening, and it leads me to the exact same problem of needing an account. so. my mom could take the time to search for a way to resolve a problem she THOUGHT i had. despite me telling her explicitely, bc i'm starting to get used to it, not to do anything about it and it was just a question. but then she didn't click through the thing to check. bc she just googled it and sent me what she read. after telling me "noooo, no need to check" when i had asked her. she said it "went over her head" that i had said EXPLICITELY "please don't do anything about it".

i have no fucking idea what to think. i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, yes, and my own fault for even mentioning the topic, yes. but on the other hand, why the fuck is such a simple thing impossible? we've had so many discussions about what i'm uncomfortable with, and there's many things that didn't change, which i understand, because i'm not a toddler, i have complex needs but also the ability to mitigate and handle discomfort, they have priorities, they have no obligation to uproot their habits for me. but then such a small fucking thing is also too much?????? i ask her one yes/no question, and she invents a problem i didn't have from the situation, halfasses solving it, and brings me the result like yay! mom to the rescue! despite me telling her NOT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE TOPIC OF THE VERY SIMPLE YES/NO QUESTION. that she had told me to not even bother checking when she answered. we've had discussions about it. i've learned to tell her NOT TO CHECK because for some reason when i say "hey have you seen this thing around?" she hears "go fetch me this thing", and despite that she was still showing up two days later like yay! i found it in the back of the guest room closet where we never go! mom to the rescue! and like, i know you're a workaholic, but could you please not invent yourself fucking quests when i told you to drop it?

and on the other other hand, i'm a fucking hypocrite, because it's true she does tell me often not to do something, and i slide the problem a little to the left and carry on. but i don't fucking know. she said that like, well, you know what i'm talking about. purging in the toilets. I HAVENT ASKED YOU TO CLEAN THEM AND I HAVE DONE MY BEST TO CLEAN THEM AND I WOULD'VE DONE THE PROPER DEEP-CLEAN IF YOU HAD ASKED ME AND ALSO I HAVE A FUCKING RAGING EATING DISORDER THAT AFFECTS ME LIKE PRETTY MUCH 24/7.

and holy fuck. i'm a constant problem for everybody around me. it's cool. how am i supposed to "get better progressively" when everything i do is fucking poison damage to everybody around. how am i supposed to accept being around people often, when this is not a harsh pass or a difficult time, it's just what life's been for my entire existence.

like trust me mom, i'm counting the days til i can move out too! but am i. im possibly planning to get a year of higher education in my hometown, after all. but also i might have to drop out of school so 🥴 possibly a step towards leaving, possibly a step towards living in my parents basement until they die out and i inherit the house. fucking fantastic. i should just cut it short and either have the balls to kill myself, or drop out and get the best job i can with what i have.

it's cool! i thought i was doing good, doing better, improving, but turns out haha me doing better is just at the expense of other people! how silly of me to believe i could perhaps not be a source of suffering to everybody around me if i worked hard on it! everybody in my life fucking hates me and they're right tbh what the fuck have i done for them. i mean i tried, but have i succeeded?

ANYWAY i have until monday to figure out what i'm going to do. does anyone have a movie rec for someone killing some stand-in for the unfeeling standardize reglementation, cuz i need some catharsis rn.

#it makes me so deeply mad that there is some kind of obligation of treatement in place #when the system is not build to accomodate the needs of those who are sent to it #let alone their numbers #okay so my personal life is a bit difficult but school generally helps me be a bit better #solution proposed by fuckheads: you're suspended until you get help from our Flawless system that has harmed you in the past #that has five billion years of waitime for the two and a half people in the city who accept new clients #good luck for your graduation exams next month that will define your life from now on!#broadcasting my misery #vent

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