#im gonna go sob for a while ok goodbye | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kaiasky · 1 year

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Recently rediscovered an audio log I had made while tripping. I tripped and then played tabletop/journaling RPGs, to prep for GMing a D&D oneshot where the players would be tripping and the gm sober. (the oneshot never actually happened sadly/fortunately)

This, unsurprisingly for me and particularly where I was at the time (this is around the time I did 5-25kaia stuff), led to me arguing with my past and future self in a long rambling 1h30m audiolog recorded in parts throughout the trip. For the first part, i was playing Delve by blackwell games, then i wandered around the apt and streets thinking, then i sat down to try and play a hack of dungeon world.

I do not think this is very interesting to read.

but it was very funny and highly recommend that if you are going to trip [this is not an endorsement of tripping or not] you should get a cheap audio recorder and yell at your sober self.

- "do i think the dragon,, dragon. the dragon dragon. um. dragon. fight the dragon? no it'd kill me. cant risk it. [30 seconds of silence, then i remember the recorder records voice and not thoughts]. but thankfully its asleep."

- "its all garish and costly because theyre building their fantasy fancy. thing. fuck. [saccharine voice] you know what i meeaannn. its a kitchen :("

- "its like the eiffel tower, in that everybody hates it but once we're all dead. its gonna be like a landmark. fuck. talking :("

- "im just imagining [[the mine entrance that doubles income below it]] like a lifeguard tower. but thats silly. [at self] fuck you. fuck you. its a lifeguard tower. shut up. theres a big lifeguard and he says thats too much money, give it to me.... [next turn] they dig up a temple below it. so theres. a cult of the lifeguard mine. that thinks we should be lifeguard mining. so theyre going to mine there. lifeguard mine there. [laugh]"

- [the temple in the lifeguard mine is revealed to be a mimic and i am OVERJOYED at how perfect this is. the mimic called out to the dwarves to build the lifeguard mine and they built it and fed themselves gleefully into its maw. wish there had been a lifeguard on that mine! everything i say for the next 15 minutes is about how i love the lifeguard mine]

- "these dwarves are really like suffering and i like it. the gems and ruby crystals keep looking more and more natural and wet and like teeth and blood. and they break through into a small chamber with foul smelling gas and an archway carved with ancient sigils. and they retreat and. the lifeguard mine isn't gonna be a problem for them any more, fuck yes. talking is easy when its describing how these guys die. im gonna draw an evil sigil. i think drawing evil sigils could be fun"

- "i cannot explain the things to you, i think the things and i think i should have communicated them. i am experiencing the process of making myself legible, but i think a lot of this is just that i trip solo, where tripping with others there is a lot of this experience already. i think i just came here to say, this peach is good. peaches are a good experience. *peach noises*. goodbye."

- "this is me to sober me. have you ever noticed that the lights on the bicycle make it look like a weird little alien creature. say hi sometime."

- "ok. so, I don't want it to end. but i lost by the rules. so i have to figure out how i want to cheat in a way that works and feels good. which is difficult. so im going to say that we're cut off from the surface by the lich king . which breaks a lot of the rules but im going to say the lifeguard mine is the new core of dwarven domain." [[i go back and forth on how to resolve the fact that i lost and would have to break the rules, and don't come to a decision]]

- "fundamentally i do not think i—i the creature here—was meant to think about dwarves. That's not a complaint its just. i think about the things the songs are suggesting to me and. [laughing] they are not math. [sob-laugh] they are not math. [pause]. they're so sour.... by the way i know these [recordings] will not be useful to you"

- "figuring out what to do with a lit candle was not the smartest decision of me. i think i can just blow it out, but you know. the significance—sorry you should try this. you light a candle and you snuff it out and you cover the lid and. the air pulls on your hand. you can really feel the suction. that's cool"

- "so for some reason, i have decided i need to roll a bunch of dice and add them up. so you can know well i can do math. i have. 1d20, 2d12. ... this is difficult. anyways i rolled 51. did i add those correctly? i took a picture figure it out" [[an: correct! i checked]]

- "ok so like, you're trying to study yourself and how you respond to this. to figure out how to do this better but also just to study yourself. and so.. [music changes and i lose train of thought] think it was like. recording me is mean, because. it makes me sound dumber. because theres some subject object positioning you're positioning yourself as the interlocutor. and so you're putting me-yourself into disadvantageous positions from the get-go. which is all to say you've imagined yourself and you're beating yourself up. fuck. im yourself too. fuck.

- "the difference between this vs if i was talking with somebody in real life. we have this sort of interviewer-interviewee dichotomy going on. im talking about things to an interested audience but they aren't saying things back. but i think part of the fun of acid and why it'd be so good with an rpg group is the struggle to communicate because that's all anything is or something, actually. communication is the thing you try to do as a human in life—or a dwarf."

- "i do think its very funny that you decided you wanted to make yourself extremely legible. like i feel like most people get into this state and think "ok, I don't have to be legible". i don't have to make sense. but youve gone in this opposite direction of my thoughts have to be rigorously justified [saccharine voice] which is very stupid. because they dont.”

- "can you imagine what reading-listening to 45 minutes of this is going to sound like? [[an: yes i can.]] it's going to sound like nonsense! and that's what it is! we're 3hrs in, just timestamping for you. which also means ive been recording for a lot of the time ive been on drugs. like. a big fraction. percentagewise"

- "this hasn't been a very visual trip, because ive been trying to focus on stuff. like dwarves."

- "why did i think i had to record this. im sorry. sorry. im recording a fucking "my voice sounds bad" thing on,, acid. but i feel like my voice should sound more like. girlvlogger. when im talking about this to my camcorder, because im trying to make things legible to you like a vlogger."

- "none of this makes sense. but just but just think about how im feeling, and dwarves, and west [an: the sleeping at last song] and you'll be able to rederive it. i think we say that to a lot of people online. im interested to see how it is for you" [AN: no fucking idea]

- "god dammit. it was paused. i was thinking about an eyeball monster, and how that's like, an analogy. for how acid is the experiential and not intellectual. because the person who said that it was very stupid is right" [AN: referring to some wikipedia thing about an early person seeing his academic friends taking acid who said like, ‘it cant really give profound insights because the people taking it all sound really fucking stupid’]

- "the greedy algorithm thing becomes relevant once again because im just a greedy algorithm, because once i look forward i cannot help but have changed the entity that was looking forward. that made sense. this is about dwarves im talking about dwarves again."

- "ok, so an experiment that you can do for me. i feel like im thinking faster than i can put things into words. and... if you had to put things into words for things you are thinking about right now would you be able to do this? did i. [laugh] i think i came here to ask my future self what it was like being sober. which is a real fucking lot.

- "ok the point is i guess. there's debate over what this is for, is this for me. which is you listening to this is a future subject position i am taking to sort of imagine myself in to force myself to put things into words and through putting things into words, becoming the person who has to put things into words which is a novel and unique position to convince me to think about things. OR, is this supposed to be useful to you, because you wanted...to plan an...rpg [laughing] jesus christ oh my god. you wanted to plan a fucking rpg so am like this. [aside] yep . yep that is what happened isnt it right. yup um ok. [pause to eat goldfish and contemplate life]. and so i guess in the terms of the rest of my life. i am actually trying to explain this to you. i am trying to figure ou—fuck what am i doing? [laugh] this is intended to be a useful document for my future self to plan an rpg. i know what this is, and it is NOT a useful document to plan an rpg! You are just talking to a tripping person. and that's not particularly enlightening. except for me, the tripping person. get fucked! :)"

- "Its really just messing with me that the purpose i am like this right now is [through laughter] to figure out how rpg people would feel on a trip. like you really did it. this is gonna be how they are! you'll see, it'll be funny. get fucked! you were like [frat boy voice] ok ill prepare ill get so prepared by doing drugs. [me voice] and now you have to tripsit-gm for TWO groups and one of them's me. and im in the PAST which is really an L for you but [unmitigated glee] its really funny for me. oh my god get absolutely fucked!"

- "those dwarves are so screwed. im really excited for them!"

- "and I think an RPG will be easier if there is somebody else just sort of making a momentum that continues even if people aren't thinking in that direction. because right now the momentum is that if i think a thing i will continue thinking things. and if i don't make myself tethered to the act of speaking into a microphone, or talking my way through a task, then I'm going to fly off and get lost in the fog. So i think having a gm will be good. which is to say that it's rather rude of you not to be here for *my* game because i am invested in these dwarves, and i want somebody to figure out the math for me while i just decide how the dwarves are sad."

- "ok, I'm going to try and go through the dungeon world character creation,, as though i were?? two separate people? as though i were one person? we will just have to find out. but i think this is the part we were the most curious about, so buckle the fuck up. i am having such a hard time and you are just not helping me at all. :(("

- "are your thoughts filled such.. latent thoughts? all these things are filled with all these subthoughts, that I'm not gonna pursue, but they're just there. *sigh*. right im going to play some fucking dungeon world. idk i feel like it's a little bit cruel to—i haven't tripped with people in so long but like. they keep getting pulled up from the depths every couple of seconds because you're like, what do you do? and whatever you're thinking about—you know, what it would be like to be samol hieron—is interrupted by like, i attack the goblin. and i know thats the point of this i know thats the point of this."

- “i think you'll never understand because you're not in my brain and you'll never understand how weird i want it to be and i think if you said like, sure youre in the cosmic realm oooh its all trippy. its like, you don't understand what that's like. you couldn't describe trippy as a gm. i dont remember what the start of this was. Anyway you're poking yourself to the surface, which isn't as fun. and i think that's also a function of tripping with other people, but also you're a very talky person whos demanding their attention. i dont always like that. sometimes people are talking and i just sort of tune them out. so i think [serious voice] if there's one important thing to take from this, it'd be like, them being able to tune you out because you are being an annoying gm. important. and you cannot expect their attention."

- "ok so i have a character! hes tisald and hes a dwarf. so he is like a dwarf, but he doesn't have the sort of stocky build you'd expect. he carries this slim blade that gleams in the night and ripples like water, and I don't think he talks much, but he's like weirdly compelling when he does. what im saying is hes probably a vampire. or like, hes bad news. maybe he'll defeat the lich king but he's probably bad news later if he gets what he wants."

- "ok so i dont have 2d6, somehow, which is certainly a choice for me, to have. but this is fine, actually. im just going to roll a d12 and divide by 2, and that's a d6. so ok obviously i cant play this game—what are you trying to do kenyon. this d12 idea is the stupidest thing I've done its sad. make sure you get good dice for your players this is sad for me."

- "ok so the problem is rules. ok we've kinda been toying with the idea that i can be both perspectives at once, but i cannot, because i cannot be the gm and the player. i can be sober and tripping that's fine, but like. i can't be like, heres what you find down the corridor, what do you do, and then also decide what you do, because that's just thinking—you're just thinking. the fundamental thing is like. ok ive been thinking about it in these terms—you open the door and peek inside. your character does. and in my mind there's something else that's supposed to fill in there, and that is the role of the rules, or the gm, or the collaborators. but you're trying to fill this in with yourself and i dont think that works because that's just imagining. or dreaming."

- "i dont think you want to set yourself as the adversary of the adventure, which i think was kinda your idea. or like, sober you's temptation was... that you would be the evil thing that they would fight at the end. and i think that's a very sober-person plotline."

- "i mean i think the key thing is that my thoughts are so permeated with meaning but that is not because i am better at thinking, it's because my brain is stupid and scrambled. [sigh]. i guess i just wanted to tell you that you're not incomparably dull compared to me. [laugh] jesus christ is that why i hit record?? to say it's ok to be sober?"

- "i think where we're at. as best as i can figure are, 1) talking as the sober person is not going to be.. idk, i feel like there are sober people that could be entertaining to hear talk, but i think, a lot of the time you're not talking at their level, and i think especially that goes for psychedelia. like i think if somebody was like, to me? there's like some crazy rainbow swirly wormhole, i would be like, yeah ok, i can picture that and its, fine, but it doesn't do anything special to me because im tripping. and sadly i think that the eyeballs thing also, is bad. [pause] idk. i think if you stuck eyeballs on a plant i would find it funny to me personally. yeah"

#drugs

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cosplayprincess21 · 2 years

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I posted 471 times in 2022

140 posts created (30%)

331 posts reblogged (70%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@acilykos-art

@disasterpersonified

@im-surviving-off-of-tea11

@the-ancient-ocean

@headphonemouse

I tagged 226 of my posts in 2022

#dr stone - 176 posts

#dcst - 168 posts

#dr. stone - 151 posts

#drst - 127 posts

#gen asagiri - 72 posts

#asagiri gen - 72 posts

#ryusui nanami - 59 posts

#senku ishigami - 54 posts

#kohaku - 51 posts

#nanami ryusui - 42 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#seriously ive rewatched dr.stone. how i met your mother. the originals and moriarty the patriot multiple times now

My Top Posts in 2022:

Senku hcs

Oh this shall be fun

Realizes he's aromantic asexual in middle school. Everyone else was going on about romance and dating and all that other stuff, and all he cared about was science.

Was the one lecturing people in elementary school about why certain super powers can't be real and crushed the hopes and dreams of those wanting lazer vision

Would secretly leave Taiju money or other things he needed but pretended he had no idea where they came from

Since hes the definition of aroace, his gaydar is never wrong

Tried to figure out if he could turn himself into a robot as a kid, it did not work

Speaking of robots, he had robot pj's up until he was 11 in which he traded them for science ones

His experiments would make stay up late into the night, so naturally, he developed a taste for energy drinks.

At night he will sometimes think of Byakuya and remember all the memories he has with his dad, he might try to act like the man was embarrassing and all, but deep down hes a kid who never got to say goodbye to his dad

The only two people he can fully confide in are Taiju and Yuzuirha

While its common for kids who are adopted to want to know about their biological parents, he doesnt. He had Byakuya after all, and Byakuya is his dad, nothing else matters.

Hope you like them. Senku is a very fun character to make headcanons for.

45 notes - Posted March 28, 2022

no one in Dr.STONE is an autistic retard so why do you plan to make a post about it? just cause you're retarded doesnt mean they are

congrats you got me to use Tumblr Desktop instead of my phone because im going to have a lot to say.

First of all, fuck off with the R word here, its an outdated and harmful term thats rooted in Ableism. Secondly i was going to ignore this and delete it when i saw the first line but then you also decided to insult me so you know enjoy getting your ass handed to you.

But whats wrong with noticing that certain characters in Dr.STONE are ASD coded? Like everyone accepts that Ryusui has ADHD but being autistic is something bad right? News Flash it isnt. Also show me where in the manga that Sai and Yuzuriha dont show traits of autism? i feel explaining to you would be a waste of energy but just know this is only going to make my post on it even longer cause holy fuck the beginning will now have a rant about people like you. Do me a favor and never send an ask here again and kindly fuck off.

Also this comment really pissed me off and i was going to focus on just Sai and Yuzuriha but now im gonna add Magma,Senku and Ruri to this as well cause ive also been seeing them as ASD coded but have been keeping that to myself.

47 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

so i finished fmab

sobbing crying wailing etc it was SO GOOD and completely destroyed me at the same time fhjfjkfjhfkjhsahjsdjhfkjdjghdkjsk definitely the anime of all time

welcome to the world of FMAB. The obsession will never leave, and the pain gets worse with every rewatch. But with that also comes seeing little things you never noticed before which makes the series even better.

47 notes - Posted January 23, 2022

Ok so ill be posting about the final chapter soon but. IM SO HAPPY SENKU DIDNT GET ANY LOVE INTERESTS. HES AROACE AND STAYS AROACE HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

54 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Ok but i really need to know what people have against aroace characters? Like theres nothing wrong with any character being aroace but for some reason it just causes others to be so upset and for what? Ive seen it with mostly One Piece and The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. Luckily havent seen it as much with Dr.STONE or at least on tumblr. The number of people ive blocked on tiktok for getting upset about Senku being CANONICALLY aroace is ridiculous. But yeah can someone just explain this to me? Cause aroace exist and we do deserve to have our representation in media and not in the "oh im rude because im aroace and thats my only personality" way. But in a way where we ardnt dehumanized for not feeling romantic or sexual attraction.

331 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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raftels · 6 years

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FUCKING GET MARRIED ALREADY

#lwj hearing wwx laugh freely again like the boy he met sneaking in emeperor's jar in the past #wwx having ptsd and just honestly trying to lay low #THEY CUT OFF THE SPRING AND BED SCENE AND THAT IS BLASPHEMOUS BUT STILL I LIVE FOR THE PRESENT #mo dao zu shi #lan wangji #wei wuxian #lansizhuistalks #im gonna go sob for a while ok goodbye

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katsukiibby · 3 years

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Argument after Argument

warnings - angst with happy ending, unprotected sex, breeding, shower sex, established relationship

another stupid argument, over what ? forgetting to pick up grocery. if it weren’t for the highschool reunion the two of you were attending tonight, you’d be at home sleeping at a distance from each other in your shared king sized bed.

at first, tsukishima didn’t even want to be in the same room as you. it took a lot of convincing but he eventually agreed just to shut you up.

he looked nice, really really nice. you couldn’t help but think he did this on purpose. he would usually never dress this nice for a silly gathering. then again, you gave him the same treatment. you dressed your absolute best, not even caring if you where over dressed.

you were expecting more of an reaction. he barley glanced at you and gave you a simple ‘you look nice’. when he saw the way you scoffed and huffed out your nose when you saw him, he was satisfied. all he wanted was an reaction.

“are you ready yet ?” he rushed you. you simply rolled your eyes and walked out the door.

you hated when it got like this. both of you had too much pride to admit that the other is right or to apologize.

you waited for him to open the car door like he always does. he doesn’t seem like the type but after 4 years together, you’ve realized he does small romantic acts instead of verbal romance. the little things he did made you so happy, it put a soft smile on your face thinking about it.

that was all washed away when he walked up to the car and got into the driver’s seat, leaving you standing outside of the car. “are you getting in or what ?” he spat. his tone was so harsh.

the drive was silent. thick tension sat in the air. you were turned towards the window and he was focused on the road. you thanked god when you pulled up to the school. you’re hoping you can loosen up tonight.

you both walked in and were instantly met by old friends. from what you heard, your old bestfriend, shoyo hinata became a volleyball player for a pro team. you were extremely devastated that you didn’t keep in touch but nows the chance to reconnect.

just as you were serving yourself a drink you hear a familiar voice. “hi ______ !”

it’s was tadashi. you never really talked to him at school, in fact you recall properly meeting him a bit after you and tsukishima got together back in college. “hey tadashi, it’s good to see you !” you brought him into a hug. “u-uh you too !” he replied with a small blush on his face. “kei should be around here somewhere.” you told him. he nodded and walked off, telling you to enjoy yourself and blah blah blah.

about 4 cups of rum punch later, you were having the time of your life. shoyo showed up an hour ago so the two of you were catching up. (well it was mostly you rambling about your day to day life while you were pretty drunk.)

you hadn’t seen tsukishima this whole time, and honestly you didn’t mind, you needed a break from him. the gathering was coming to an end and you were far from sober. you knew how to handle yourself, so it wasn’t like you were embarrassing yourself or anything, but you definitely needed help from shoyo with walking.

“let’s go find tsukishima and get you home.” he said as he put your arm around his shoulder to help you balance. “just use my phone and call him.” you slurred out.

he got your phone and attempted to open it with your old password from your first year of high school. a small smile appeared on his face when it worked.

he went to contacts and searched for tsukishima. he called him and handed you the phone.

“______ where are you ? it’s time to go.”

“hey kei, im outside the cafeteria.”

“ok im coming.” he scoffed

“thank yo-” he hung up before you could finish. you started frowning and shoyo noticed.

“everything will be fine ______” he said rubbing your back. you didn’t want to cry. you didn’t want to waste your tears on a petty disagreement. you got up and hugged shoyo, thanking him.

right on cue, tsukishima pulled up just in time to see you hugging hinata. he honked and told you to get in the car. you said your goodbyes to shoyo and got in the car. once again, awkward silence.

“so did you have a good time ?” you tried to break the tension. “it was fine. and you ? seems like you had your fair share of fun” he responded in a judging tone.

“yeah i did. it was nice to reconnect.” you said, trying to not have a snarky response. “seems like you did more than reconnect.” he said lowly. you looked at him confused “what do you mean by that.”

“well you were practically throwing yourself at hinata.” he said with a scoff.

your eyes widened in disbelief. did he just accuse you of ‘throwing yourself’ at your best friend.

“how was i “throwing myself at him” ?! we were literally just talking the whole time !”

“i saw how you were touching him, hugging him, laughing at everything he said. surely he wasn’t that funny.” he chuckled, keeping his eyes on the road.

“are you that fucking insecure ? god, i wasn’t touching him in any way and i was hugging him because he felt bad for me. the way you were talking to me was so fucking harsh.” your voice began to shake, not from sadness but anger.

“all i said was that i was coming to pick you up. how’s that harsh ?” he raised his voice.

“you hung up before i could even get two fucking words out.” you yelled.

“it’s not that big of a deal.” he rolled his eyes

“yeah but this isn’t the first time you’ve done this.”

“you’re always so mad for no reason.” he responded

you didn’t say anything after that. you both just sat in silence until you arrived home.

after arriving home, you both went up to your room. it was completely silent and the air was full of anger and tension.

you got in the shower, you had to cool off. argument after argument. you were afraid for what was next. tears started to well up in your eyes and next thing you knew they were falling.

he could here your soft sobs over the shower water falling. he didn’t mean to react that way. he was just so angry. he was angry at himself for letting this get so big. he was angry because you could leave him at any moment.

it startled you when he walked into the bathroom. “are you ok ?” he asked softly. it was silent for only a second until you replied with mhm.

“i-i’m sorry.” he said lowly. that was something he very rarely says so you were pretty speechless.

it took a few seconds for you to respond “i’m sorry too.” with a small voice.

“i just don’t want to lose you.” he continued with a shaky voice. “you’re not gonna lose me kei, we just need to.. work things out.” you replied. you heard a soft ok before the door opened.

“wait..” you said loud enough for him to hear. “can you come in here.. with me ?” you asked nervously.

“are you sure ?” he confirmed carefully. an ‘mhm’ can be heard over the noise from the shower.

he slowly undressed, already somewhat turned on from your request. you two haven’t been intimate in weeks due to the arguing. a few kisses here and there but nothing more. just being able to see your body again was making him excited.

he peeled the shower curtains back an stepped in, already admiring your body. you on the other hand took no time to begin to pull him to your height to kiss him. passionate and hungry for more. he tasted so sweet. his lips felt so soft, and his tongue was so warm as he slowly slipped it in your mouth.

he walked forward until your back hit the wall. he was holding your cheek so softly, kissing you so softly, as if. he was afraid he’d break you. he never wants to hurt you the way he did tonight. he wants to be more careful with what he says and does.

he began to trail kisses down your neck. he was teasing you. he knew the exact spot you loved oh-so much, but he’s going anywhere but there.

as soon as he made contact with the skin in between your ear and collarbone, you whimpered. oh god, he missed the way you’d whimper for him. he missed how your body aches for him in the most obvious ways.

you trace your hand down his chest, to his stomach, to his dick and you began to jerk him off. oh how he loved when you’d jerk him off. when you two first got together he refused to jerk himself off because “you do it better”.

he groaned against your neck. you loved that sound. the sound of him struggling to catch his breath, all because of you.

“sh-shit i’m about to cum.” he said slack jawed. “go ahead.” you breathed out.

after a few more pumps, he moaned out loud, releasing his cum for you and only you.

he caught his breath for a second and began to kiss you briefly before turning you around so that the front of your body is pressed against the wall.

he aligned his cock to your pussy, that was already dripping wet. he slowly entered, causing you to let out a dragged moan. he went painfully slow “please kei, f-faster” you whined.

he obeyed as he picked up the pace. his mouth was to your ear, so just hearing his moans were pushing you over.

he slid in and out quickly, causing you to struggle to stand. he took notice and held you up by wrapping his arm around your waist.

a line of swears were heard along with water hitting the two of you and skin slapping.

“i love you, kei. i love you. i love you.” you repeated as you felt yourself reaching your high. that absolutely pushed tsukishima over. he moaned loudly in you ear as his pace slowed down.

he milked his cock in you, and you took all of it happily. “i love you too, _____” he replied out of breath.

“let’s finish the shower.” you said with a weary smile.

#anime #fanfic #wattpad #writers on tumblr #writing #haikyu x reader #haikyuu smut #hq tsukishima #tsukishima angst #haikyuu

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hitozy · 3 years

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have you ever ‹ masterlist › denouement

tw! manipulation, mentioned underage sex, dubious consent, cheating. i also want to point out that reader is around 2-3 years younger than Iwaizumi, while Jae and Iwa are the same age. ps. this is a long chp :)

𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞

Iwaizumi has no idea of what has possessed him tonight. He doesn't know why he's walking around the city in the middle of the night a day before he should be on his way home.

He doesn't know why after the celebration he didn't follow his teammates. He doesn't know why he has barely answered your texts since after the game.

He also doesn't know why he agreed to go and see Jae, to hear her out.

He's been doing fine so far, seven months Jae clean and while the first three were bumpy; your company had made it easier to deal with. Your cheerfulness, your happiness, the adventures you've both have been planning have taken his mind off the broken heart he was nursing.

She continued to contact him, even when he begged her not to and blocking her phone was no use, she just got a new one and tried again and again. His resolve was diluted and he knew it would be a matter of time before he fell into his old habits.

lil jae: congrats on the win haji! let me invite you to a drink, im in town.

Iwaizumi recalls an old memory from back in high school, a few weeks before moving to California, you were sitting on his bed helping him organize his suitcase with 'essentials'. His clothes all over the place but as always, you showed enthusiasm at helping him out.

He remembers you giggling and calling him a dork while folding his Godzilla themed underwear and placing it inside his suitcase. He remembers the way you hummed some songs that you had just placed on your shared playlist because 'it's kinda your style' and it kinda is. He even remembers what you were wearing, a pair of black running shorts and a blue tank top. When you reached over the edge of his bed for his fallen socks, your cleavage was visible to his eyes, 'If a man ever peers down his shirt', he thought, 'I'll kill him without hesitating.'

But what he remembers the most is you pulling out an old shoe box from under said bed, a shoe box that held his most treasured things. Pictures from his childhood that matched the ones on your bedroom wall, doddles from your hand, your favorite flowers pressed inside a copy of your favorite book, short stories and poems, snippets of stories never finished from you. He'll never forget your teary eyes and happy smile when he took the box from you, emptying the contents carefully inside his backpack. The hug you gave him afterward still sets his heart on fire, nothing has ever been more lovely than you and your happy smile.

He also remembers Jae coming into his room right during your hug, wearing an empty smile on her face, her eyes red and raging. He's only ever seen her this mad whenever he's with you and he still doesn't get it.

She stay's to "help" when in reality all she does is glare at yn the whole time. It helps that you don't even mind the glares or the bad mood, joking that 'Jae's grumpy because we couldn't go to the movies today'.

It was late afternoon when you left, Iwaizumi had given you a bag filled with some of his stuff - things he knew you loved and adored, things he couldn't take. He watched you get inside your parents car and wave him goodbye, even though you both knew he'd be coming through your window in a few hours for movie night.

He remembers when he came back inside to find Jae naked on his bed. How angry she was and how she took it out on sex, the tension so palpable he could taste it. Once it was over, she walked towards his backpack and pulled out all of YN's things and that's when it clicked. She was mad because he was taking stuff about YN and not her, she made it clear when Jae told him, 'What the fuck is this.'

He remembers that hours later, he finds himself in your room squeaky clean and wearing nothing but his sweatpants and socks, his back against your front with his head against your breasts. He hadn't told you that Jae broke up with him, but he knew you had figured out he was sad because your arms cradled him since he got situated there and had not moved since.

How Jae said she wouldn't move with him in the end. How she had decided to stay in Japan and have him go to California all alone in the end, just because she wanted him to. How he begged her to come, to stay with him, to not leave him and how he watched her get dressed to go home. How she winked at him as she left with a, "Call me once you're in Cali."

How she only wants to go out when she knows he has plans with you. How she only cares about him when you're around or how messed up and used he feels ever since she took his virginity during your 14th birthday party.

He feels disgusting sometimes after sex with Jae, disgusted with himself on how wrong it is but how much he loves her still.

He didn't have to say any of that to you, the kiss on the forehead you just gave him eased it all away anyway.

He remembers all of this while he's kissing Jae in her hotel room, her dress and underwear discarded somewhere in the room, his cock buried deep inside of her like a starved man, Her nails racking down his chest from his unbuttoned shirt as she moaned at the feeling.

When Jae separates herself from him with half lidded eyes, she smirks, "I bet my little cousin can't even kiss right, the little virgin." She kisses the column of his neck, grazing her teeth against the skin, getting ready to mark him as hers and even though he doesn't agree with her, he stays quiet.

A memory burst through his mind as he pounds into Jae. The way your sighed his name when he settled himself inside of you, the way your nails scratched his back when he hit your G-spot, the way you moaned when his thumb circled your clit; your gummy, tight walls griped him as you came, with his name on your lips. Your soft, pillow lips that have only been his, only kissed him.

"Be safe out there, Hajime! I'll be waiting for you!" She smiled as she kissed him goodbye by the front door.

He turned to deepen the kiss, pulling her closer to him like a starved man, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna runaway, mochi."

As he walked down the steps of his house, he heard her say "I miss you already."

It's then that Iwaizumi snaps out of it.

He pushes her off of him and steps back until his back is against the wall, feeling disgusted with himself in a way he hasn't since they broke up.

"I can't do this, I won't do this, I-" he pushes himself off the wall, tucking himself in and picking up his stuff, "Never again, Jae."

Jae watches him leave, a sinister smile spreading across her face. Her gaze steady as his figure disappears into the night, "If you think you can just up and go, Haji, you are very mistaken."

She walks to where she hid her phone and chuckles as she presses send, "Lets see what my little cousin has to say, hmm?"

Iwaizumi was worried, it wasn't normal for you to not answer his calls or texts. He was on the road back home with the team, their ruckus would usually give him a headache, but right now? Right now he can't focus on anything except the little 'unread' mark at the bottom of his last text to you.

my one: mochi? r u ok? im on my way back home

He didn't expect to come back home and find you in the living room in silence. Your eyes rimmed red and puffy from crying, you didn't have to say anything for him to know what had happened.

Jae told you.

He wish he could be surprised, but Jae had been nothing but a devil all this time and he can't believe he never saw it until now. Until he married you, an angel.

"Mochi, I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry, please talk to me." He knelt at your feet, his hands on your knees trying to get you to look at him. His guilt crashing down brick by brick, he should have never gone out to see her.

"I know this means nothing to you, mochi. But I'll never see her again, only when its a family reunion or you're with me."

Silence.

"There is no excuse, but yn, please, look at me, let me explain."

She pushes him off a bit, without much force as if her sadness took away all her strength and his heart clenched. How could he do this to his best friend? Lie and lie, again and again and again.

YN-”

“No, STOP! You- you got your say, now it’s my turn.” She's shaking and her breaths are short. She's starting to have a panic attack.

I get up and advance towards her slowly, “YN you need to calm down. Here,” I place my hand on her back, “let me-”

She pushes me off, her back towards me, “Please, don’t touch me. Please, please, please.” She's sobbing and its hurts so so much.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

“Remember your breathing exercises, mochi. In and out. In…”

Eventually her breathing normalizes but she still won't look at me and it takes all of my strength to not touch her.

“All I ever wanted was for you to love me, Hajime.”

Whoever said words can never hurt someone, has never been in my place. She just stabbed me without a knife and its more painful than I ever imagined.

“I wanted you to love me, to see me as your wife, as a woman but you didn’t. You don’t and I- it hurts so much.”

“But, mochi, you said you would marry me so we didn’t end up with strangers.”

“I know.”

“Then why-”

“I lied. I’ve loved you since the moment you came into my life. I’ve loved you for years, even before Jae came into the picture. I’ve loved you so so so much, I love you so much.”

“… you know about Jae? Since when?!” I made the mistake of reaching out for her, she pushed me back and said nothing. The dread of her knowing, of her finding out before today makes me sick.

“If you knew then why did you marry me!? Did you think I would change? That my feelings would change? You know I’m not like that.”

“I do know. I- thought that maybe-, but then it was clear that nothing would change but, I made a promise to you and I said it in our vows.”

“YN-”

“I know the mistake is mine. I know what all the blame is mine to take, I know it and I accept it. I’m sorry, Hajime, that’s me that you have to stay with.”

She finally turns to look at me, but I wish she hadn't. The tears are flowing steadily down her cheeks to her neck. I did this to her, I hurt her again and again, without thinking. No, without watching. Because if I had paid attention to her like Jae did, I might have seen it sooner.

“We could get a divorce, you know. That way you can stop getting hurt. Stop your heart from breaking. You don’t deserve this.”

“It’s okay. I- I give you permission to do it, to break my heart forever.”

“…What?”

She takes my hand, and in-between the tears she smiles at me as if her heart wasn't breaking in two. As if I didn't shatter her dreams for a few sloppy seconds, “It’s okay, I know what I signed up for, I knew it from the beginning. I guess I just didn’t want to accept it. So go ahead, break my heart, break it into a million pieces! I give you permission, Iwaizumi Hajime, please just - don’t leave me.”

I can't say anything, what am I supposed to say? My sweet, sweet girl is hurt and damaged and all she wants is for me to stay. I feel disgusted in a way I never did with Jae, because instead of being used, I am using her.

I bring her into my arms, and say the only words that have actual meaning between us, "I love you, mochi."

"I- I'll do better, I promise. Please YN," He gripped her shoulders tightly, "Please forgive me, I'll do whatever just, I'm so sorry, baby."

He can feel the tears spilling onto his shirt, a scorching pain expanding through his chest at the consequences of his actions. He hurt the one person who didn't deserve it, who he promised to keep safe and happy.

"Hajime, please take a bath, I wanna sleep without the smell of Jae."

His heart dropped at her words, he forgot that he had just upped and left from Jae's, only changing his clothes for comfort. His skin still smelled like her. As he separated from her, he kissed her forehead, "Join me?"

He laid on the bed with her hours later, her head on his chest where he could see her puffy eyes. She had washed him thoroughly to the point were he thought she had scrubbed him raw, and he couldn't blame her - he wanted to do the same since the beginning.

He pulled her closer, practically on top of him and felt her heartbeat against his own. He had done something terrible and he needed to fix it, fix this. So he needed to take the first step.

to lil jae: for someone who says they love me, u sure like to make me miserable. i don't know why u hate yn so much and tbh i don't care anymore. i don't want to see u or talk to u ever again. if u contact me, i'm gonna get a restraining order, jae. i can't do this anymore.

to lil jae: goodbye jae.

do you wish to block this number?

yes.

Remorse is memory awake, Her companies astir,— A presence of departed acts At window and at door.

Its past set down before the soul, And lighted with a match, Perusal to facilitate Of its condensed despatch.

Remorse is cureless,—the disease Not even God can heal; For ’t is His institution,— The complement of hell.

Remorse is memory awake - Emily Dickinson

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

a/n! *hands you all this and runs* i'll see you soon for chp11~

but in all seriousness, i wrote this chapter with my heart on my sleeve. love is truly the strongest curse and for it to be unrequired? imagine it.

now, i'm off to write the next part! and i am sorry :) ♥

#owwaw💔#owwaw #iwaizumi fic #iwaizumi hajime #iwaizumi hajime x reader #iwaizumi hajime fic #iwaizumi smut #because of the short sex scenes

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jeonmagines · 4 years

Text

anything for you 1

jungkook x reader (ft. taehyung)

genre: angst

warnings: jungkook is a meanie here,, curse words,, mentions of death, suicidal thoughts,, overthinking,, mentions of sex.

synopsis: you’d do anything to make him happy. even if it hurts you.

S/N is sister’s name

“hey, i noticed you didn’t really eat anything during lunch so i got you this.” you say as you tapped the boy who had his head down on his desk. he looked up at you and scoffed. “you woke me up for this?” he says with an attitude. “oh and i graded your paper. mrs. lim said that if you needed help you can ask her or jinah over there. i’m not really good at explaining so i can’t do much for you.” you say as you hand him his paper which he scored a 30/50 on. “even if you were an option i still wouldn’t pick you. stop trying so hard it’s annoying.” his friends looked at you in pity but continued to do their work. you never really understood why jungkook disliked you. you don’t remember doing anything bad to him or at least something that would irritate him. the truth is you actually liked him. ever since he transferred, you, along with many other girls had your eyes on him. you weren’t a try hard though. you’d buy him food, give him water, or offer to help him with his homework but nothing more. you did this because you knew that he didn’t really care for himself. he barely ate at school which is probably why he was so tired all the time.

when the bell rang everybody left except for jungkook. he walked over to jinah who was still fixing her backpack strap. “hey uh...i was told you could like help me out with my homework? can you?” he seemed so innocent and kind when he asked her. why did he have to be so rude to me? you asked yourself. she politely agreed and you overheard them saying that after school they’ll head over to the library. everyday you’d volunteer at the library since ms. jay needed to go home early to feed her cats. she said she didn’t want to bother you but you insisted since the library was a really relaxing area no one really went to. you enjoyed it there.

students returned books and some checked them out. you had your eye on jungkook and jinah and to be honest it looked like they were flirting more than studying. you were envious of jinah. she had the perfect smile, body, and attitude. cliché RIGHT. who wouldn’t want a girl like that right? you knew exactly what jungkook saw in her. you on the other hand are not really that interesting which is probably why you only had like two friends who barely talked to you. you were grateful for them though, even though they didn’t feel the same towards you.

as you were typing in the list of kids who still need to return books, you saw how mr. kim was struggling with picking up the trash the students left since he was a bit old. “mr. kim, let me help you with that. why don’t you sit down for a sec? i have some cookies and a water bottle in my backpack. you can eat them while i clean this up.” you grab his garbage bag and started picking up the trash the students dropped. “why are you such a good kid, y/n? you remind me of my grandson. he goes to a different school though. i think you’ll be good together.” he says while taking a cookie from the container you took out of your backpack. “ahh. mr. kim, i kind of have my eyes on someone else right now.” you say as he nods his head and continues to eat.

jungkook was eyeing you from the far end of the table. why were you so nice to everybody? he thought to himself.

you saw jinah get up and leave after bidding goodbye to jungkook, but jungkook stayed at the table. there were only four people in the library; you, jungkook, and two other kids who were trying to look for an interesting book. you walked towards them and asked if they needed any help finding a book. when they told you what they wanted you led them to where the books were. as you were walking though you felt someone glaring at you. your first thought was jungkook because who else would be staring at you?? a ghost??? when the students checked out their books and left it was finally 6pm which meant it was time for you to LEAVE. you walked up to jungkook who was still reading his book. “hey uh. im about to lock up.” he scoffed again and glared at you. “so when other kids are here you offer them help but when it’s only me left you have to ‘lock up’ you were BEYOND irritated. all you wanted was to go home, eat, and sleep but jungkook was keeping you away from that. “it’s 6. i’m supposed to lock up at 6. so. leave.” he was shocked. you’ve never given him attitude, it was always the other way around. you walked away and gathered all of your things getting ready to leave. jungkook also packed up his things while you held the door open for him. when he walked you shut the door loudly and locked the door.

you walked behind jungkook, but not too close because you didn’t want it to seem like you were following him. you sat on the bench while jungkook got in his car. you saw him look at you but you quickly look away to avoid the awkwardness. after a while you saw him standing right in front of you.

“why are you sitting here? go home?” why was he so concerned you thought to yourself. “i’m waiting for the bus. you go home.” he then grabbed your hand and led you to the passenger seat of his car.

“it‘s dark out. tell me where you live.” he opened the passenger’s seat and you went inside his strawberry scented car.

“i’ll just uh. point.” you say while smiling.

cute he thought NO IT’S Y/N. NO. jungkook shook that thought out of his mind and started his car. he played some music to make the situation less awkward.

you on the other hand were way past feeling awkward. you’d check your messages even though no one has texted you. hell, you even went on the weather app just to check the weather in london.

“uh just go right my house is the first one on the block.” you say as he nods.

“thank you. i appreciate it.” as you tried to get out of his car, he grabbed your arm. “why are you so nice to everyone? especially me? i’m such a dick towards you.” you laugh a little at his question. “i’m nice to everybody. especially you because i know you don’t really take care of yourself.” he nods and you thank him again.

when you get inside of your house you hear yelling coming from your parents’ room again. ever since your sister passed away they weren’t the same as before. you hated it. you hated how your sister was gone instead of you.

you just wanted someone to talk to, but nobody really wanted to talk to you. your friends..would you even consider them friends at this point? you shook your head and tried to focus on something else.

jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook jungkook think of jungkook. you say to yourself.

the next day was the same as always. you’d walk through the hallways and see people with their friends. people who actually wanted to talk to them. you wondered how it felt to actually be wanted.

you sat down on your chair and got out your books to start writing down the agenda, but someone tapped your shoulder. “hello! i’m mira. would you like to be my friend? i’m new here.” you smiled at her and introduced yourself.

when class started your teacher told mira to come up and introduce herself. “hi! i’m mira. i transferred from (school name). i hope to become your friend!” everyone says hello and she sits back down. you noticed how jungkook’s eyes followed her from the front of the class to her desk. you felt a bit jealous, but didn’t think about it too much.

when lunch came around you tapped jungkook’s shoulder to give him his food. “i got you this sandwich and i baked cookies last night so i thought you’d like it.” he looked at you with no expression and you waited for a thank you but as always he didn’t say it and put his head back down.

“y/n, do you think we can hang out after school? get to know each other a little bit?” mira said with a cute expression on her face. you agreed and she gave you a hug.

after school you and mira went to the ice cream shop near by. “really? i’m five months older than you? i thought i’d be younger since you’re so mature!” you laugh and say you get that a lot. “so earlier i noticed you gave food to that jungkook dude. do you like him?” she says as she wiggles her eyebrows. “kinda.” she squeals while she shoves the ice cream in her mouth.

after eating you both bid your goodbyes and you walked home. finally. i finally have a friend. you thought to yourself.

you came home to your parents fighting again. usually to cope with how you’re feeling you bake in the middle of the night. it was a weird coping mechanism but it worked. baking helped you relax and think about other things.

“if it wasn’t for your fucking daughter! s/n would still be alive right now!” you heard your dad yell. he was right though. it was all your fault. and everyday you’d beat yourself up over it. you quickly went up to your room and started sobbing. you looked at the picture of you and your sister together. “why was it you? couldn’t it just be me? if it was me they wouldn’t be arguing. i miss you s/n.” you kissed the picture and hugged it and drifted to sleep.

the next day you did not feel like being nice to anyone or at least talk to anyone. you put your black hoodie over your head to avoid attention as you walk through the halls.

when you walk into class you see jungkook flirting with mira. you weren’t in the mood to deal with him today so you didn’t even bother. lunch came around and you kept your head down on your desk with your hood on. “y/n? you ok? i’m gonna go get some food. do you want anything.” mira asked. you shook your head and thanked her.

“yo kook, what’s wrong with y/n she didn’t give you food today.” jimin asks. “i don’t know. she’s usually always doing something.” jungkook says as he shrugs his shoulders.

when the bell rang you gathered all of your stuff and jungkook saw how your eyes were red. were you crying? he thought to himself.

you walked outside the school building and thought it was your lucky day because it was raining and you didn’t bring an umbrella.

you sat on the bench, drenched in water, watching students go by laughing with their friends, but suddenly feel the rain stop. you look up and see an umbrella under you.

“thank you, but there’s no point. i’m already wet.” the boy chuckles and says, “ha. that’s what my ex girlfriend said.” not caring whether or not he was going to get wet, the brown haired boy sat next to you. “i’m taehyung. i just transferred today. i’m in my fourth year. let me guess are you in your second?” he says, still holding the umbrella under the both of you. “nope. third.” he nods his head and points at his car. “if you want i can give you a ride home?” he asks with a smile. “really? i’m drenched though. your seats will get wet.” “don’t worry about it. it’s leather.”

as you walked really close next to taehyung, you didn’t know jungkook was watching the two of you from afar.

send an ask if you want to be on the taglist !

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albino-whumpee · 3 years

Text

The redhead

Ok, so. This story has been cooking on my head for such a long time now and Im gonna be clear with you: I´m aware this first installment and maybe the next won´t be of many people´s liking, so if you don´t like seeing the whumping of minors, I advice you to stay away from this series.

There won´t be any noncon here, but there will be lots of other hurt/comfort tropes and many creepy whumping from multiple whumpers to a pair of whumpees, one adult and one a minor.

I´m also gonna say this is the backstory of one of Albus´s story characters.

I remember sending you an ask @deluxewhump about some ideas for this story and you wanted to be tagged, But, I can´t find them and well. Wanted to give a heads up of what it could contain.

Taglist: @whumptywhumpdump @grizzlie70

CW// Pet whump, whumping of a minor, modern slavery, human trafficking, collars, dehumanization, it as a pronoun, implied death, creepy whumper, conditioning, captivity whump and angst. (ask to tag if I missed something)

House looked like an ordinary orphanage from outside. It had big halls with bunk beds and slim metal closets next to them. Shoes tossed under the beds along with any trinket the children wanted to hide from curious or severe eyes. Beds neatly made early and kids off to the classes on other rooms. There was no need for them to learn to read or write however, so there were no books that weren’t for coloring.

Many of the lessons were taken outside, along buckets and brooms they swiped dutifully, or inside kitchens learning to identify tools and vegetables and memorizing the measurements needed of each ingredient on what recipe. Children did everything under the scrutinizing eyes of teachers who were so, so difficult to appease, but yet again, tried hard to earn their comfort and approval.

So they could graduate and leave.

The very best left early and the not so good would leave bordering their 12. There were only a few that left on their mid teens, and so, the ginger kid wearing the sandy jumper of House’s uniform, coloring with a green crayon the feathers of a toucan, had decided he didnt wanna be like that a long time ago.

He would graduate and leave house and go with a loving family that would take him, that would really love him, just like the teachers told them they would sometime soon.

It was his dream. As it was every child´s wish in House. So, he did as he was told. He cast his big green eyes down when talked to, kept quiet until he was spoken to, paid attention to class and did his tasks before the day ended. He took all the punishments while training, too. Even if he tried to keep it to a minimum, there would always be something that pissed the Teachers off.

For example, dumping the trash. Having to go to the back of the one store building, close to the one beyond the thick brick wall, with its narrow barred windows -just like House´s windows were- from where phantasmagoric sobbing and pained screaming would come through, was the most loathed chore at House. Whenever he was on duty, the little boy shook like a leaf with the heavy plastic bags dragging behind, before throwing them and run back to the building.

One time, the kid saw a pair of thin hands wrapping around the window bars and saw a woman peeking from it, hands shaking with the effort when she panted a wheezy, “help me”

The little boy had never screamed so hard in his short life.

The teachers had been mad at him, but not enough for a crate training reinforcement. He was relieved, to a point, when they punished him to clean the bathrooms alone for a week instead.

As he swiped the floor in the middle of the night, he promised himself he would get out soon. Sooner than his brothers and sisters who wouldn´t dare to defend him, saying outloud how scary the other building was and how some of them couldn´t sleep because they heard the people trapped there scream and beg all night long.

Of course they wouldn’t. Excepting a few who unknowingly shared blood, nobody shared anything but the wish to get out. If you tried to fight the Teachers, it would just delay it further. Every kid knew not to get on their bad side. It was also part of their training to see them as their preliminary Masters. A drill, of how it would be once out.

So when one finally received their collar and graduated to go to the family who had chose them, only the brave ones would wave goodbye. Jealousy taking the better of some, meanwhile others would only feel fear.

He wouldnt be like that either.

The brother he had gotten the most close to, the one who actually did protect him from the other kids bullying, had graduated months ago. Taller than normal for any kid from House -the little boy had heard the teachers say once- the brown kid and black curls with a smile sitting on his face at all times, had been his best friend.

They didn’t have names and they weren´t given one until they graduated. The Teachers used nicknames like “ginger” or “mole” or “mousy”, but that hadn´t stopped them from calling each other a secret name. A name they used only for each other and secretly, considered their true names.

“Are you happy for me, Robin? That I will finally go” Hawk asked him once, while playing on a sunday. The Kid´s free day to go anywhere they wished inside the estate´s perimeter. Close to the brick fence, a river flowed through iron bars, not letting anyone in or out.

Robin shook his head, red hair bouncing at the motion. Hawk giggled with that weightless sound, throwing away the stick on his hand they had used to play as if they were two princes in duel a few minutes earlier.

Robin stopped walking when Hawk put his hand over the wall, looking at it with conflict on his face.

“I heard the Teachers say my new Master will take me over seas” Hawk admitted. Robin didn´t understand the reason for such a long face. That only meant he would see the sea! Wasn´t that cool enough? However, the small kid kept listening. “They said he specifically requested me. But…” he punched the wall suddenly, making Robin jump in reflex “They said because I was problematic, I would be getting extra training in something called WRU”

Robin didn’t know what WRU was yet. They barely knew what was beyond the brick walls surrounding House, but it couldn’t be much worse than House, could it?

“I´m sorry. You always ended up on fights because of me…” Robin started clenching the stick on his hands tight as Hawk turned to him.

“C´mon. We´ve been over this, Birdie. It´s not your fault” he said, watching the small readhead lift his glassy eyes up “Besides, you know what to do now if they pick on you, right?”

“But I´m not as strong as you!” The boy argued before feeling the big hand of his brother ruffling his hair.

“Maybe just not yet” he said with that innate warmth of him. Like the times the other kids gathered around him late at night, hearing him talk about what one of the Teachers, one that was so close and nice to him, they had thought he would take Hawk home, had taught him after class. About all the different animals that existed, about science, about the world outside of the thick walls.

It dawned on him then, no kid would have those stories anymore, nor would he laugh first thing in the morning seeing the nest his hair was.

The child jumped to hug the older boy at the waist. “But, but, even if you go, you won’t forget us, right? If I graduate soon and our Masters meet, even if I´m already an adult, you will recognize me right?” Robin asked him, feeling the other boy’s fingers card through his short hair before squeezing him tight.

“I promise I won’t, Robin”

“I will keep the name you gave me” Robin said urgently, clenching hard so Hawk wouldn’t let go just yet. Hawk sighed quietly before burying his face on the boy’s shoulder.

“They’re ours”

“Ours alone” Robin finished.

The next day, Hawk’s new Master came for him in a black suburban with polarized windows and a few scary looking men by his side. Hawk bowed to him before the teacher ordered him to, as a perfect obedient Pet from House did before graduating. The other boys were lined up in their Sandy uniform, maybe in hopes the man would take another boy or girl, but he was completely entranced by Hawk’s face. He had lifted his chin to have a better look at it and then ruffled his hair with a big smile.

Then, the man gently buckled the new collar around Hawk´s neck, clipping the leather leash with the outmost gentleness. The man only tugged on it to test if the boy would walk forward, and when he did, he passed his hand through his hair.

Robin couldn’t hear it, but Hawk glowed at the praise his new Master gave him before giving the Teachers the ceremonial thick envelope. While the transaction happened, Hawk sneaked a look back at Robin and smiled.

“Bye, Robin” he mouthed, before feeling a pull from his neck that told him to follow his Master to the black van.

Right before the car trunk’s door closed, Robin waved goodbye with tears in his eyes the other kids didn’t stop teasing him about for weeks.

Four months after Hawk’s graduation, a few weeks after his twelfth birthday, Robin was standing in front of the building again. Now, it was his turn to graduate. His new Master was an older man that came out from a car you could smell the stench of gasoline from miles away.

“Skip the formalities. Where is it?” The man asked one of the Teachers standing next to him after the boy bowed. The woman in white clothes simply pushed him forward. Robin looked down at his shoes, so old looking against the shiny, cared for shoes of his would-be Master. The man wasn’t gentle when he fisted on the ginger’s head and forcefully lifted his face for him to see. He was better trained than to let out the pained groan bobbling up on his chest. The man hummed, pleased with his silence. “Yeah. You will do. How much for it?” The man said letting him go and quickly taking out the thick envelope from his jacket.

“I see you didn’t bring your own equipment for your new Pet, Sir. Would you want me to add the collar and leash to the sum?” The Teacher asked to the man, who grunted, too annoyed, like it was a waste of his time to ask.

“Yeah, sure, whatever” the man said without looking at Robin “It´s not for me anyways”

The small boy gripped on his uniform tight. The distress of not knowing how his real owner looked like suddenly settling in with fear when suddenly his not-Master asked the Teacher for a transport crate.

“Of course, sir. We will prepare him right away” the woman said with a wide grin as two other teachers pushed Robin to the garage. The boy´s heart leaped, but he gulped down the fear and allowed himself to get dragged. As he walked through the mocking and confused stares of the other children, he heard the woman continue to speak “If you would be so kind to accompany us to the office so we take the information needed for his shipping”

The man cursed under his breath, “Make it quick. Hearst is already pissed at me for messing up his pair”

Robin didn´t hear her reply.

The next thing the boy knew was that he had wrapped around his neck the price leather collar- the one the Teachers would only put on when they had earned a people´s meal from good results on training- with a large paper tag on it. He couldn´t know it said the name and address of his new Master, but he was static as he crawled into the plastic crate with the blue blanket on the corner he quickly wrapped around himself as he was rolled to the man´s stinky car. Maybe, if he was lucky, he would be able to catch a sight from the sea. Or maybe, from the sky above, if they went on a plane.

The car´s doors closed and he was drived out of House´s property, through the bricked fence and so, as his world, that had been confined to the same three square kilometers, suddenly grew infinitely big, filled with infinite things to see.

The man´s laughter on the driver´s seat abruptly stopped his awe.

“Enjoying the view, Pet?”

“Y-Yes, sir. Very much, thank you” Robin quickly replied.

“Well, you better burn the image to your memory, because with Hearst, you won´t be seeing anything but a kitchen and dirty restrooms” the man laughed.

“Yes, sir!” Robin said before looking out through the bars on his crate. To catch the green land and the sea expanding beyond. The man rasped his throat, muttering something under his breath.

Although he could hear him say “That´s why you wanted him young?” Robin didn´t understand and put his whole mind into catching every last detail he could get of outside.

Robin held to the image of the small houses with red ceilings surrounded by a vast blanket of green even as he was processed to go back on the cargo at the airport. They took him out of his crate to check the tag hanging from his collar and stick some papers into his uniform before pushing him back inside.

Two workers in blue jumpers, loaded him with the rest of the pets. There were some cute dogs Robin had never seen but in his coloring books and even some older Pets with the same tags hanging from their necks. All of them, including him, were wrapped around a fuzzy blanket inside their crates.

Robin was dissapointed when he found out there were no windows inside the cargo, but the feeling of being lifted off the ground, of flying, even if he slammed himself against the metal door of his cage, was completely worth it.

During the long ride, he wondered if Hawk had gone on an airplane too. What he would´ve said of that weightless feeling as he curled tighter into his blankets. The sound of paper getting scrunched was muffled with the engine and the other pets conversations between them, but Robin closed his eyes and hoped, prayed, his new Master´s family allowed him to see even once more, the world he had dreamed of seeing.

And if his wildest dreams as he was rolled off the plane, abruptly awake when his cage was thrown around and rolled by Not-Master outside where it snowed, he hoped he could see Hawk once more.

“That´s our new addition, Charles?” a man´s voice said as he stopped rolling. They seemed to be on the parking lot now. Next to a black shiny car.

“It was a nightmare, but told you I would get a replacement for Shirley. It even has red hair” The man said patting the plastic cage´s ceiling.

The man didn´t reply immediately, but Robin had crawled slightly closer to the door, to catch some of the man´s incredule face.

The man’s low, almost amused, laughter hit him like a soft salty breeze, warm and gentle. “Well, let´s see Isaac’s new partner, Let´s see what you got us” the man said before he knelt before Robin´s crate.

The wished he could say his Master had looked kind, gentle even, that first time they locked eyes. But in reality, Robin couldn’t help but think his new Master’s eyes were so much like a cat’s. A pair of narrow, clever honey colored eyes stared at his wide greens for a moment, before he copened the door and pulled him out with a swift pull on his arm. Robin´s face scrunched at his Master´s grip, cracking a smile on the man´s as he let go “How old are you, boy?” The man asked him.

He bowed instinctively before answering, “Twelve, Sir, Master”

“I see” The man´s smile hung on his face as he said “Not old enough to be on the front then” His new Master then turned to the man “Thanks for fetching me a new one. The kids are very sad without Shirley but the worst must be Isaac. He just refuses to work now”

The man grunted as he saw Hearst open the trunk of his car. “I already apologized, Will”

“What´s one more “I´m sorry, Mr. Hearst”? My slave hasn´t even eaten because of what you did to his partner” he said before turning back on Robin, expecting “Do I have to put you in myself, boy? C´mon, up you go” he said snapping his fingers in front of his face. Robin´s body moved before he was aware he had crawled inside, then laid down on his side as the man put his hand back on the door “Watch your head” he said before closing it, letting Robin in complete darkness.

It took a moment of hearing only his breathing to for him to finally sense the car moving. He was with his Master now… but he was shaking like a leaf. He didn´t stopped shaking, knowing deep on his bones, this Master would be the severe type.

It wouldn´t take him long to know he was right.

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the-hate-keeps-me-warm · 3 years

Text

More than a memory

Sorry if this is formatted really horriblly I finished this up on mobile I hope you like this there’s about 2 paragraphs I cut of ruby nerding out

Once they got to Vacuo oscar was sorta unofficially a huntsman now laws are a lot looser here so he’s been saving quite a bit of money from going on missions after team rwby and Jaune came back it was weird they were only gone a month but so much had changed the merge was almost finished he could feel it every day he felt less like himself he didn’t even object when Theodore called him oz anymore he and ruby weren’t as close anymore whatever happened wherever they were changed her he got bits and pieces from Jaune and yang but the others kept quiet he knew that he’d be gone soon so he wanted to leave something for her kinda like proof that they ever met in the first place so he was now standing in a vacuan market at 12 am alone with a lot of lien on him this was probably a bad idea but at one point he heard ruby ramble about this gun shop that they were the best at what they do so he called made an appointment it just so happens they prefer to see let’s just say unofficial clients at night he knocked at the door it read “bikal bullets” it opened and an old owl faunas man opens it his large yellow eyes are piercing “hello mister pine headmaster theodore told me to expect you” oscar rubs his hands together “yes mister bikal he said to come late” mr Bikal leads him inside on the walls hang dozens of expensive weapons “so mr pine what are you looking for” oscar took the blue prints out of his bag and set them down on the drawing table “um im looking for something custom built its for a friend” mr bikal takes the blue prints and examines them “these are pretty impressive mr pine did you draft these yourself theses yourself” oscar nods “mostly i had a little help with the math part of it but the mechanical stuff i did myself” mr bikal nods “something like this will cost a good amount even with the discount you get for being school staff” oscar nods “do you have an estimate on the price and how long it'll take to make” mr bikal snaps his teeth “around 12000 lien and 2 weeks” oscar nods he had 140000 saved up but he did want to buy some more things for the others “alright i can uh i can afford that” mr bikal goes over to what looks like a drawing table and pins them up “i will start work immediately mr pine you make your payment on completion if you desire the school has credit with me the price includes 3 magazines and a case so that will also be custom made shall you pick it up or would you prefer its delivered” oscar stands uncomfortably as mr bikal starts measuring out pieces of fine metal “ill pick it up dont worry” mr bikal nods and says “alright mister pine your can go now its not a good look for a young man to be out so late especially so close to the red light district” oscars face gets red “yes of course” oscar leaves and walks back to the academy sneaking back into his dorm room was easy tho nora did pester him about where hed been he had left a note saying when he would be back for the next 2 weeks he kept a poker face nora helped him set up his bank account so the sudden spending of 12000 lien did give her pause so she decided to ask him about it

He was sitting on his bed reading some Treatise about some long-forgotten subject she knocked on the bedpost and he looks up “hey Nora did you need something” she sat at the end of his bed “hey what did you spend 12 thousand lien on” he hides his face “please don’t tell anyone it was on something for ruby” she smiles “ah young love I was worried that you wouldn’t make your move so what kind of thing sets you back 12 thousand it’s something big right” he nods his head “its a gun i-i had it commissioned for and it’s not really cause I’m trying to make a move or anything it’s more like a going away gift” Nora frowns and shakes his leg “where you going taking a vacation or something” he feels tears bite the edge of his eyes “Nora the merge it’s soon I know it won’t be long until I’m gone and I want you all to remember me but her especially I don’t want to be just a memory” he struggles to keep the tears at bay but nora pulls him into a hug tighter but somehow softer than her usual ones “hey you will never ever be just a memory you will always be you and even if your not you'll always be one of us we all love you so much” and then the damn breaks and he sobs into her shoulder “i don't wanna go away nora i want to live i wanna go to school see my aunt again” she rubs his back and says “i know sweetie you'll get to do all that ok i promise” he sniffles “nora i need you to do something for me if i do disappear ok i need you to go back to my aunt and tell her everything ok it can't be oz ok don't tell her how to find him it won't make sense i'll just hurt worse i dont want that for her” she nods “i won't ever have to do that ok but i promise” she holds him until he stops crying and they take a a a nap they always helped him calm down

Finally, after a long 2 weeks, he goes to pick it up when he goes inside Mr. Baikal shows him the box it’s a beautiful dark red mahogany wood he opens the case and looks at the pistol inside its silvered handle and barrel were beautiful he’s almost afraid to touch it the engravings were perfect exactly as he had drawn them if not better the moon and rose he had designed look perfect he takes it gently in his hands he looks down the sights the night sights glow a brilliant carmine red he looks at the magazine even it was of an amazing quality everything down to the smallest detail was exactly as he pictured it he sets it back into the case “thank you, mister, Bikal it's absolutely perfect” Mr. Bikal smiles and nods “I’m glad everything is to your satisfaction Mr pine if you find there is anything wrong with it or you want something changed everything I make comes with a lifetime warranty the paperwork is in the case as well as a certificate stating that I am in fact its builder” they shake hands and oscar takes it home in his bag he excitedly gets back to his dorm he sets it down still in his bag on his bed now all he have to do is give it to her

He sits on it for a few days but finally decides to just give it to her oz has his reservations about this but decided that oscar deserves this to maybe say goodbye in his own way

Ruby was going on walks around shade it’s something he noticed so he waited for her to go on one of those walks it was cool in vacuo at night the air was nice compared to the oppressive heat of the day she was meandering along the walkways he followed behind her a bit the case hung heavy in his bag even tho it wasn’t heavy at all after a while she sits at an old wooden bench overlooking the gardens he approaches and she perks up “oh hey oscar are you going somewhere” she says pointing to his bag he shakes his head “do you mind if I sit” she shakes her head “no go-ahead did you need to talk, something about Theodore?” he sits down on the other side of the bench gently setting his bag between them “no uh no I just uh I wanted to give you something” he opens his bag and takes the case out holding it out to her she takes it “it’s not my birthday is it this looks really nice you didn't have to do this” ruby says smiling “well i've been wanting to do something nice for you” oscar says rubbing the back of his neck she lifts the top and gasp gently lifting it from its case “oscar this is this is amazing” she drops the magazine and pulls the slide back making sure its clear and runs her hand along the engraving her symbol etched into the left side of the grip “oh thanks i uh actually designed it myself oz helped me with the math” she looks at him her eyes wide “oscar it took me 8 attempts to successfully design a functioning crescent rose gun design is really hard how long did you spend on this” oscar blushes “the idea kinda started in atlas i was gonna ask you to help me make one so i wouldn't have to rely on my cane but everything happen and when you were gone i kept messing with the idea and i kept thinking about you so i kinda ended up designing it for you more than me eventually do you like it” ruby scoffs “oscar do i like it i love it its probably the single greatest gift anyones ever given me” he smiles wide “really that makes me really happy I was worried you wouldn’t like it” she sets it back gently into its case “really Oscar it’s amazing you have a knack for design your gonna have to show me the draft notes and everything cause this is this is amazing I can’t wait to shoot it this is wow” she chokes up and he leans down “ruby are you ok” she nods wiping her face of nonexistent tears “no worries this is just really cool and sweet and god your so amazing” he felt his heart flutter and his cheeks heat up “the guy who built it that bikal guy you talked about was just as great as you always said” she puts a hand on his shoulder “are you telling me Hephaestus bikal made this Oscar” she says seriously “uh yeah why is that bad” she kisses his cheek and squeals “oh my god your amazing this is now even better god I could die happy wait his rates are insane how did you afford this” still recoiling from the kiss he bites his lip “uh huntsmen work” she narrows her eyes “how much did this cost Oscar it had to be expensive” he shakes his head “not telling it’s a gift you don’t need to worry about it just enjoy it” she punches his arm “I will but I am going to repay you for this somehow ok” “you already did” he says quietly he says rubbing the back of his neck “ruby I don’t really know how long I have left and I would like to spend at least some of it with you I understand if you don’t I know it might make it harder when I’m gone bu-whoa” he’s pulled into a hug she pulls his head into her shoulder and holds him tight “I wanna spend more time with you too but you will always be Oscar ok oz is oz you are you” he sighs and smiles “see what I mean by paying me back”

#rwby #rose garden #rosegarden #ruby rose #guns #Oscar pine #angst #this is sadder than I wanted it to be #at first this was gonna be sorta related to my weed garden fic #but the idea of ruby pushing Oscar away after that was too sad #for my fluffy little ass #I wish ruby got to nerd out about weapons more #Oscar is still a simp even if he’s sad #do not ask me about the gun I will elaborate #that is a threat

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tigerdrop · 4 years

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dogboy gordon rutting against benreys leg in the same way that benrey did it in the reverse. benrey encouraging him and also making fun of him in the same breath. yummy brain thoughts. i am rotating this

jesus christ i started thinking about dogboy gordon and have not stopped thinking. theres 7k words of dogboy stuff under here im going insane

how in the. help. Help. dog boy. how does he become dogboy. i cant keep giving these idiots potions but i guess thats what ive been reduced to

gman turns him into a dog boy. walks thru a portal and comes out in nintendogs but hes the dog and when he comes back out again hes still a little bit dogy. this is fucking stupid

THE TAIL WAGGING im going to pass away

> i think he would have such fucking issues with the fact that his tail and ears are expressing his emotions so much

trying to act angry towards benrey but hes given away by his tail wagging like crazy......and he never even knows its happening until somebody points it out

it would be cool if. um. he got a little more into roughhousing and rough play afterward. you know. like a . hes already really handsy......physical. . .. .

> okay like the anger turning into somewhat-serious jostling and pushing which turns into roughhousing

its not even horny at first it just gives him the weirdest fucking endorphins. like. its fucking fun man

> and by the time theyre roughhousing his tail is wagging furiously and like thumping on the floor when he gets pinned haha

> YES its about the exhilaration ......he gets this rush from flipping benrey over after he's pinning him, baring his teeth triumphantly

benrey pinning him by his wrists and half-laughing at him like "what the fuck is wrong with you??" and the rest of the science team chimes in like YEAH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS WHAT WAS THAT

> gordon comes back to himself and turns red immediately and splutters like "i dont know! what - im just - benrey started it!” so like he refuses to do it again but then benrey pushes his buttons and he gets in his face, ears pinned back a bit and shoves him and benreys like oh...so its this again huh...

GOD......PUSHING HIS BUTTONS.......its sooo much fun now that gordons so physically reactive too

> what if he manages to get an honest to god growl out of gordon at one point and it makes something ugly twist in benrey's gut and he wants to make it happen again

and its probably really gratifying for him to see just how often gordons tail wags when gordon looks at him or snorts at one of his jokes

TWO SIDES

> the duality of their relationship....gordons tail wagging just a bit when hes looking at benrey though im

> im thinking about the growling though like...benrey gets fixated on how he fucking sounds, all deep and rumbly and this intensity just focused on benrey only....makes him think about how that would look in other contexts....

> benrey riling him up while their roughousing so he can feel that growl travel through his chest and like...getting gordon to that point makes him SO determined to win the "fight" over benrey hes almost a bit out of his mind with it......pins benrey and subconsciously ruts against him a bit as a sign of dominance....please stop me now goodbye....

NO LITERALLY THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE MOMENT I STARTED TYPING

prodding gordon further and further and riling him up until gordon pins him to the floor, hard, an arm jammed behind his back and his HEV suit jammed up against benreys ass and rutting subconsciously as gordon. h. gordon. clamps down on the back of his neck and growls

benrey sucks in a rattling gasp and is like "what? ow" in a weirdly shocked yet distanced way

he cant feel where gordons hard b/c of the HEV suit but he can feel the metal awkwardly bumping against his ass Like That. and inwardly benreys on a loop of "what the fuck what the fuck" but not in a bad way in the slightest. just utterly cannot believe this is whats happening, right now, gordon freeman dry humping his ass behind a bunch of crates, not 100 feet from the rest of the science team

> gordon snapping out of it and being like...what the fuck am i doing... or....maybe the gasp makes gordon bite down harder in response...not sure

> gordon not even realizing hes doing it until that moment is so great....i dont know but....maybe he lets go and pushes off benrey, panting and wild eyed, and the image of benrey on his stomach, his bite mark in his neck, is burned into his brain

> he just doesnt say fucking anything and just dips to get jacked off by the suit maybe.... cant stop thinking about how it felt to see benrey with his teeth marks....hates himself for feeling that sick satisfaction in his chest

benrey......touching the back of his neck afterwrds, kind of dream-like, both consciously and subconsciously.......

i like making gordon freeman suffer so i want him to just angrily try to rut against his arm in private later trying desperately to get off thru this stupid busted HEV suit that he cant get out of. pathetic. gordon freeman humping his own fucking arm in a bathroom stall. like a dog

and he thinks about how benrey smelled when he had his teeth clamped on the back of benreys neck, his nose buried right against benreys jaw and neck, smelling the sweat and the hormones and feeling benreys rapid heartbeat, and his whole fucking head throbs with how bad he wants to get off

> and he just cant get off....has to deal with going back the team tense and a bit sweaty and just move on when they ask what happened. benrey doesnt say anything just stares at him and gordon cant meet his eyes. gordon tries not to fucking let benrey get under his skin cause i think hes probably mad upset and embarassed that he reverted to his like,,,more base instincts because of BENREY of all people.....

> but he still thinks about it sometimes and....he tries to distance himself from him but hes still a pretty touchy guy and he find himself around benrey still....laughing at his jokes and getting in his space once in a while. always pulls himself away when he notices but not before he takes in a deep breath of benrey's scent...

> meanwhile benreys trying to think of how to make gordon do that shit again LOL

ohmy god. oh my god.....before this.....before he tries to stop getting in benreys business and before he even recognizes what hes doing.......he like.....hes so touchy feely that he subconsciously tries to mark benrey a lot. like just doing everything in his power to rub the inside of his wrists somewhere on him. even if its barely gonna do anything b/c of the suit. its just instinct

> NOW HE ...now he realizes that he was doing that the whole time..jesus,...

> AUGH....in the buildup before this he didnt realize that he was doing it........but now he realizes he fucking misses doing that shit and kind of berates himself for doing it in the first place....like what the fuck....be Normal gordon...you cant want to fuck him....do you..?

i want him to. grrgohg i dont even know how or why this would happen but i want gordon freeman to lie supine on the ground with his hands up like paws like hes a big pupy looking for tummy rubs OKAY! BYE. I HAVE TO GO. im going to fucking sob why am i like this why is this the cutest possible thing for a man to do. i cant even think of a fucking reason why he would do this so im so fucking embarrassed

i want to fucking. i want to rub his fucking tumy and make him pop a boner from it im literally so sick of this earth

> i was literally Just typing: i just think it would be cool . To pet his tummy and keep telling him "good boy" in a Certain kind of Tone that just totally fucks him up about it . maybe flushed and tongue starting to wanna hang out of his mouth as he goes from laying flat on his back to kinda twisted to one side, breathing heavy, tail thumping hard against the floor cause hes a big dog so that thing is like a lethal weapon

> petting the fuzzy lower belly while hes already hard & needy just to make him whine Very high pitched and desperate-sounding bc its so close to what he wants but that just makes it worse 8)

> What if. Benrey pinning Gordon, maybe scritches behind his ear, as a "joke", he's a dog haha good boy wants ear scritches?? And Gordon immediately squirming and whining. Maybe even kicking his leg just a little bit

> i think it would be cool for a post-black mesa puby gordon pinned benrey to the floor with his whole body weight and humped the life out of benrey's leg while panting and drooling in benrey's ear. a total lack of regard for benrey, (of course he's into it tho) just using him like an object that's conveniently there for him to furiously get off on

> i'm thinking.... this happening after a period of prolonged teasing, like you said. rubbing his tummy and ignoring his dick

> Man ok combined with the suit edging huh? I love that, but i also kinda want gordon to sneak off to get off and discover his uh. k. kn. knot

> he sneaks off and if in this situation he can. idk. get at his dick in a bathroom or whatever. and well, he gets caught up so easily in his 'head empty' instincts mode that when he cums he's kneading that thang for like 2 minutes before he even becomes cognizant enough to notice. and then immediately panic. so idk maybe he cant get at himself for a while, right, so he didnt notice this

> i just think gordon being in the suit would not let him get at his dick and he would only be able to get off in really convoluted ways so like...he wouldnt fucking Know he had a knot he would just feel a weird pressure at the base that he doesnt know what its about. but he starts getting these fantasies of holding benrey down and staying in him when he comes and he doesnt know where the hell thats coming from.....yet. until after everything is over and he can get out of it, and the first time he jacks off again he realizes HOLY FUCK? like what the hell....but it makes sense in retrospect where those fantasies came from. but hes just super embarassed about those fantasies and pushes them down until benrey comes back into his life and activates him again

> in addition to embarassment i think he has a lot of complicated feelings about benrey and definitely feels a guilty about wanting to fuck him into the ground and fill him with cum....but GOD if benrey doesnt get to him just as much as he did in black mesa

> i think that something like this would be so unplanned and shit but like......theyve probably hung out a few times before this or more like maybe benrey has dropped into his house just to annoy him and gordon finds his ears pricking when he hears heavy footsteps around his house cause he recognizes them as benrey's...

> little rush of exhilaration maybe. cause it means they'll spend some time together and he has just all these emotions under his skin when they do. i dont know how this would happen but maybe gordon forgets to keep himself in check when benrey makes him laugh so hard he's snorting and his tail is wagging furiously.benrey tries to touch/catch his tail cause he's kinda curious about it and it never got to mess with it in black mesa. but it turns into roughhousing as gordon shoves him away a little bit but benrey keeps trying to get at it and then get at his ears

> "cmon man just let me touch them whats the big deal-" "NO!" but like hes still laughing a bit until they start really getting into it and he gets breathless and a little irritated at having to roll around and try to pin benrey's hands to the floor

hell on earth......the way his tails wagging and hes grinning and drooling a little once he gets benrey pinned.......

> little triumphant smile when he finally does.....got benrey on his stomach and he's subconsciously rutting against benrey's ass like in black mesa but hes just not noticing while he's berating benrey for losing

> talking right into his ear, and benrey lets out a little gasp when he does a particularly hard thrust and then hes like oh. fuck. he takes in a deep breath and can smell benrey's sweat and realizes hes just as horny about this as he is. cant help but bury his face in the back of his neck and lick. and benrey starts pushing back into him and talking the worst dirty talk and it makes him growl right against his neck and put his teeth there again as a warning not to move but benrey doesnt still, he just keeps talking. so gordon bites down, hard, cutting him off mid sentence with a yelp

f. fucking. benrey......arching his back into it.......pressing his hips up as high as theyll go......the angles bro.....the angles

> also: gordon popping boners more easily, even when he's just platonically excited w/ benrey..... yeah... :)

> like the thing about this is just that he got so excited from the wrasslin that he popped a boner....wasnt even thinking of horny.....

> not until benrey started gasping and arching back into him. then hes immediately aware of how this looks...like hes already basically in the position in his fantasies hes just rutting against him in the imitation of fucking

> gordon getting more frenzied by the little sounds benrey is making as he clamps down on his neck, drool dripping down his chin. benrey braces himself with one hand and gets the other to pull his pants down and then tug on the leg of gordon's down a bit because gordon is kind of. not thinking straight right now. gordon gets the message and fumbles with the buttons to get it down and like. haha i thinnk it would be fun if benrey prepped himself before this and gordon notices like. you really managed to prep urself this time? god, you really wanted this to happen. but maybe benrey had been doing it the last few times cause gordon would get in his space again sometimes and things were tense

NO GOD THIS IS GOOD. LIKE. oh my god gordon just like bitching at him and getting up in his face and Growling a couple times before while his pants are all tented from the inadvertent excitement boners that he doesnt even realize hes having.....and benrey might not be smart but hes not stupid

theres like a 50% chance theyre gonna fuck at any given time he realizes so like. why not......

even if it doesnt work out in the moment benrey still spends the whole time hopped up on the knowledge that they could have, that he was the little fucking pervert who got himself all prepped just in case gordon decided todays the day hes just gonna mount him, and honestly the way he beats his meat and fucks himself afterwards might be nearly as good as the real deal, just from that little bit of self-inflicted degradation

like u said...........he really wanted it to happen

> hhh.... maybe gordon ruts a bit against his ass and benrey guides him in and. he makes a deep growling rumble when he bottoms out. benrey feels it through his chest and gets a full body shiver as he's filled. i dont think hes fully developed his knot yet but its a tight fit. he starts fucking hard and fast into him while open mouthed panting, he cant keep his face away from the benrey's neck, licking up the sweat and burying his face there to breathe in his scent

the fucking . the desperation......every instinct in his body has been telling him to fuck benrey - yes, that benrey, fucking benrey - into the ground for......weeks now? months??

dudes probably tried everything he can think of to overcome it and to think about literally anything else when he gets off but nobody he fucks even comes close to smelling as good as benrey did when gordon had him pinned and gasping and sweating and he could smell the want rolling off him in waves.....and it sucks massive dick and he hates it

> hes been driven crazy by this thought for so long.....cant fucking control himself. wh. what if gordon managed to get a hold of a piece of benrey's clothes that he left and held it up to his face when he let himself jack off to this particular thought so he could get the scent but it jsut wasnt the same without his warm, panting body below him . he always nuts the hardest when he has it though

huffing benreys undershirt and desperately rutting into a pillow on his hands and knees with his ass fully up and hes just utterly debased right now

sad and pathetic gordon freeman humping his pillow like a dog and whining thinking about fucking benrey. if his past self could see himself like this right now he would be disgusted

> !!!!!!!!1 HIM GETTING INTO THE MOUNTING POSITION ON INSTINCT WHEN HE DOES IT...YOUR BRAIN ! i think that gordon would definitely give everything hes got to benrey when he finally gets to fuck him.

> now that hes actually doing it he's just out of his goddamn mind. benrey already being ready for him, slick and hot, just letting him push in .....i think he would definitely go insane

dudes never fucked so hard or so mindlessly in his life......for once all the neuroses just fly out the window. overcome by instinct

> letting out all these whines and moans, not even caring for how loud hes being... benrey's wanted this so fucking bad hes just eating it up, pushing back on him like an animal and getting a power trip that he made gordon this unhinged

thinking about him just being utterly shocked when benrey guides him in and he can just bury himself all the way to the hilt so easily and it makes something in his brain snap

> gordon doesnt even tell benrey when hes close, benrey can just start to feel his knot swell inside him and how it stretches him a bit past what he prepared for...but he wants it in him so fucking bad, he just lets gordon keep fucking into him

like. oh my god. does benrey even know about the knot or is this a brand new and fun surprise for him

> I DONT KNOW......I JUST REALLY LIKE THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING A BIT CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY IT....

> being caught off guard by it but being so turned on by the feeling of it filling him that he lets out this really high, needy sound. which goes straight to gordon's dick and he just pushes into him harder and jolts his whole body with it. maybe he h....he bites down on the other side of his neck again and thrusts in one more time before coming deep in him. just shuddering from it, eyes squeezed shut and jaw locked around benrey

benrey just fuckin. face down ass up and arching his back as high as he can

(mumbling very quietly) it might be cool also if. gordon maybe.....started growling some things as he got close. a certain something. a word

you know......just......bent over benreys back......arms wrapped around benreys chest and fingers digging into the soft flesh (maybe even his titties, if youre feeling spicy).......pistoning his hips in staccato bursts while he growls.........u bh hhhhh......"mine". over and over not even realizing hes doing it b/c his brain is so fogged out on the sheer delight of rawing benrey after having thought about it non-stop

(mumbling so quietly im speaking at a pitch below the human hearing threshold) benrey hoarsely saying "'m yours, 'm yours" while hes got one hand jammed underneath himself to tug at his dick is the thing that sets gordon off and makes him come, perhaps. perhaps

and gordon just.....slumps over him, leaning his full body weight on him, panting weakly into his ear while his hips subconsciously rut just a little bit, arms still wrapped around benrey but otherwise as useless as a bump on a log while benreys jerking himself off to the wild new feeling of having that knot stretch him open and tug at him every time gordon shifts his hips

gordon nuts and becomes utterly useless but at least his knots still fat as hell so benreys still got something to work with

(sobbing) i just want to see men acting like animals leave me olone..... its about the submission to instinct......the degradation and dehumanization......and also the scent kink its all about the fucking scent kink. its about wanting to huff a guy you pretend you hate like hes a fucking magic marker and its about wanting to make him smell like u

> for scent kink, Gordon's boners due to sweaty benrey hehehehe. this is narsty -> Benrey is like "yeesh that was a lot of exertion" after their first almost-sex wrasslin match, and gets embarassed, so next time he like, wears a bunch of old spice.... but gordon doesn't get as excited. like yeah he can feel him against his back and yeah he's not soft but.. he's not panting or as hard. benrey thinks real hard when he gets home

> CLEAN SWEAT OK ITS A COMBATIBILITY THING OK. IT IS. LOOK UP THE SCIENCE OK I ...walks away. clown shoez

YOU ARE SO FUCKING CORRECT THANK U

> Maybe next time He doesn't bother with the old spice at all, and he gets real into the wrasslin... hell maybe he even uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gets gordon's head under his arm im just saying

I DIDNT WANNA BE THE ONE TO SAY IT BUT NO YEAH THATS COOL. ITS A VERY COOL THOUGHT

think about......dogboy gordon roughhousing and getting pinned down himself and snapping his teeth up at benrey like joking but not joking. you know

they both start just getting really into roughhousing b/c sometimes gordons brain gets Stressed The Fuck Out by all the added stimulation to the senses of being pupy......theres too many sounds and smells sometimes and it makes him even more neurotic and makes him start acting up and getting irritable and trying to start shit until he exerts himself enough to tire his brain out and make it shut up

maybe even like.....in the interim after black mesa but before he runs into benrey again, gordon becomes a fucking hot mess b/c he doesnt know how to deal with it all and the only way he got thru black mesa without his brainstem snapping in half was b/c he and benrey would start shit and start fighting and wrestling and the rest of the science team eventually shrugged and accepted this as a (very weird) part of their life now. he looks like hes one minor inconvenience away from a panic attack and its so sad

any kind of physical exercise would help (he takes up jogging when hes feeling stressed out, which is a lot, and hes gotten some really nice legs by this point) but theres just something different about the roughhousing. its a mental exercise as well as a physical one, so it exhausts his brain more, and unbeknownst to him, he just gets fucking endorphins from the way benrey smells and from being able to mark him with all the up-close physical contact theyre getting. so. hence the wrestling and roughhousing and gordons occasional tendency to just pounce the guy in public and start fighting him with his tail wagging and thumping like crazy

it might be even better if gordon attempts to roughhouse with just about the whole science crew at some point, just for a point of comparison

like.....its usually good, its satisfying, and it wears him out and lets him function like a human being......but theres just something about roughhousing with benrey thats really satisfying and he doesnt have the emotional intelligence to figure out what it is

gordon freeman is an idiot, is what im saying

> tommy indulges him and probably lets him win a few times, coomer soundly wins out every time and bubby probably...loses some before getting pissy LOL. i think that its fun for him to get the most Good Feelings out of roughhousing with benrey.....

AUUUUGHHH WHAT IF HE LICKED BENREYS FACE THO

g gbfbhhh god im obsessed with the way benrey laughs at him and asks "what the fuck is wrong with you?" in the act 3 commentary and thats the exact kind of vibe im feeling from him about like. everything gordon does in pupymode

> Okay, before I go to bed, I shall leave you with a Dog Thought™. Gordon probably wouldn’t be the “best trained” dog in the world because, well, he doesn’t have anyone to make him listen or obey. Heck, given his need to be in control, he probably thinks he’s the leader of the proverbial pack and nobody can tell him what to do. He’d probably slip and do quite a few “rude” and obnoxious dog things, including but not limited to being all over Benrey.

> Trying to goad him into roughhousing. Licking his face. Being in his space to the point that it even starts to make Benrey raise an eyebrow. Inappropriate marking and whatnot. [cough] And what if Benrey--in a weird reversal of the roles we usually give--is stuck with the task of… training Gordon… to behave…

> YOU KNOOOOW. Because pitting alpha dog Gordon against Benrey, who is trying to get him to be “good”...

> … Well, that could be interesting.

> Imagine if you will: Benrey realizing he needs to get Gordon under control. As much as he likes the attention, it's becoming too much. Relentless. Tables have been turned and now he's the one that's a little overwhelmed by the situation because, well, Gordon is running on pure instinct half the time. Making it hard to do things. Making it hard to live his life. Always in his bubble which was, like, fine at first but now he can't do anything without feeling a wet tongue on his face or having Gordon trying to goad him into rough housing.

> He needs so much attention. Has so much energy. It's too much.

> So, he decides he's going to try to "train" Gordon to not... do that. Benrey trying to assert dominance over Gordon, as if he were just a normal dog. Gordon, who has already marked Benrey and decided that Benrey belongs to him does not take to this very well. This is not how the chain of command works. This isn't how the chain of command works at all.

> Benrey, struggling to curb him through praise and admonitions--"good boy," "bad boy," tossing him ~treats~ if he does something right--is now facing off with Gordon, who is both enamored with the attention he's getting but utterly pissed off by the fact Benrey is trying to stop him from doing what he wants.

losing it at the tables being turned and now gordons the annoying fucker getting up in benreys business all the time and never leaving him alone. he deserves this

> They're basically both unmovable objects and unstoppable forces. Benrey is stubborn and isn't going to give up all his sweet PS3 time because Gordon won't stop humping his leg, and Gordon is not going to give up his God given right to make Benrey his property. But Benrey isn't completely averse to the idea of being Gordon's bitch. He just wants to be his bitch on his own terms.

> So, in a surprising show of... well, intelligence on Benrey's behalf, he starts redirecting Gordon's energy towards what HE wants Gordon to do.

> That's how you handle misbehaving dogs anyway. You redirect their energy. That's what all the books on dog training says anyway, and Benrey's inclined to believe it because he's read it in all two books on the subject he casually flipped through.

> So, when Gordon starts getting in his space, he starts redirecting him to touch where he wants touched. "Good boy." When Gordon starts getting a little rough, he purposefully positions himself so he gets the most out of it. "Good boy." When Gordon's licking his face, he starts trying to guide that tongue down to his neck. Feels better there. "Good boy."

> Because he's not a complete idiot. Him and Gordon both know this is sexually charged at this point. And Gordon... Gordon can bend his behaviors a little bit as he's being directed if he still gets to do what he wants (in a way), and Benrey still gets to be fondled by the nerd.

> "But part of the problem is that he is in Benrey's space all the time!" Yeah, but Benrey figured that out, too. You know what shuts up Gordon real fast? Pushing him back down on the other end of the couch and telling him to stay. And if he listens, he slowly, carefully hand feeds Gordon a treat as a reward. Pushing it into his mouth, making sure it goes all the way in. Letting Gordon lick the last bits of taste off of his fingers. He usually sits still after that. "Good boy."

i have a thought thats almost unrelated but im so desperate to give this scenario the proper context

thinking about......gordon getting out of black mesa and hes still dogboy.....and hes attempting to go back to life as normal now that benreys out of his hair for ever but one day his pupy nose catches That Fucking Smell on the air and he realizes that benreys not fucking dead. he thought benrey was fucking dead, b/c he killed him

gordon freeman losing his mind for a solid week or two trying to hunt that smell down (why?? to prove a point?? to try to kill benrey again??? uh huh.) and then when he does hunt benrey down, its like.....well, what was the plan, bud? you found him, and now youre having a staredown outside a 7/11 while benreys frozen halfway through his big gulp

i literally forgot what i was typing b/c dogy gordon tum y rub b gtfhgbb ggfabgbbg

and.....well......he doesnt know exactly what his game plan was, but he does know that benrey cant be trusted as far as u can throw him, and hes not about to let benrey wreak havoc on new mexico if he can help it, so now his new hobby is......tracking benrey across the city to keep an eye on him

and thats how they keep ending up in close proximity

and thats how u start looping in the whole role reversal thing.....suddenly gordons the one that benrey cant shake......hes a bloodhound and hes got the scent

SORRY im SORRY i crave context with the same ferocity that i crave, like, air

and then they start roughhousing when gordon tackles him to the ground one day to stop him from doing.....something......and gordon snaps being to being a normal person so quickly afterwards that its dizzying. turns out a solid 80% of what he really wanted was a sparring buddy

> good afternoon everyone this is not horny in the slightest but i just wanted to say- you know that thing dogs do where they get REALLY excited and playful when you come home from a long day at work? well i’m just thinking about. y’know how benrey has a tendency to just, vanish for a while and come back like nothing happened? think it’d be cute if he were gone for a particularly long stretch of time b4 catching up with the science team again and gordon RESPONDS in his typical annoyed, bratty fashion while his body language is saying something completely different (he still hasn’t mastered the art of puby)

> like, u know, tail wagging a hundred miles a minute, ears perked up and attentive, subconsciously getting all up in benrey’s space

Im going to Cry thats so fucking cute wtf wtf wt ff

still going insane thinking about the “good boy” thing......like...... its all fun and games until hes grappling his best friend benrey and hes got benrey in a headlock and hes plastered against benreys back from head to toe and his tails thumping excitedly against the floor and hes panting hot and harsh right against benreys ear and benrey takes that moment, right there, to choke out "good boy"

its half outright horny and half power play b/c benreys banking that either theyre gonna fuck or gordons gonna let go and be like "what the fuck, man" and then benrey can get the drop on him again

the way gordon just goes stiff after he says it.....breath getting shaky.....dick twitching once against benreys ass and the guy can fucking feel it clear as day......Augh

his tail slows.....and then fires right back up again when he tentatively rocks his hips against benreys ass and feels the sound benrey makes more than he hears it......and like for fucks sake theyve been dancing around how horny their roughhousing sessions are for weeks, this guy deserves to finally get his rocks off by dry humping benreys ass while benreys getting spots in his vision from how tightly gordons got his arm wrapped around his neck. he deserves this

gordons free hand slowly opening up and pressing flat against benreys shirt, then crawling under it so that he can feel the bare skin of his stomach......rocking his hips against the dip between benreys cheeks and whimpering when benrey says it again, breathless and hoarse. "good boy." his tongue poking out to lick a broad, wet stripe up the side of benreys neck to taste the salt and sweat and the hormones, jesus christ, hes never been able to taste if somebodys horny before but its rolling off of him in waves.......and gordons breath comes out so loud and harsh and desperate when benreys leg lifts up a little bit for him to slot his own between them more easily

just mumbling stupid horny shit like "fuck benrey, you taste so good" while his tongue lolls out of his mouth and he licks the curve of benreys ear and rolls benrey onto his stomach b/c something in the back of his brain is whispering to him that it would be a really, really good idea, and hes originally got benrey just crushed flat against the floor with his full body weight but benrey takes a rattling breath and tells him to ease up, get up offa him.....

and gordons confused at this point b/c he was pretty sure this was where this was going, he was being a good boy, but that thought doesnt last very long b/c benreys shuffling into position under him, raising his hips and pushing gordons up with him while his face and torso are flat against the floor, and, Oh. hes. hes doing that. this is what theyre fucking doing now

> gordon taking the collar of benrey’s shirt in his mouth in an crude imitation of scruffing him

every fucking bone in gordons body is telling him to move his hips, fuck benrey stupid, bury himself to the hilt, but he cant do that when theyre both still clothed so he does the next best thing and ruts against benrey like he fucking means it and like if he just tries hard enough, gets enough friction, itll be just like fucking him for real......

hes so dizzied by looping thoughts of he wants this, he wants you to mount him, like youre a filthy fucking animal, arent you? you sick fuck, you wanna mark him and breed him and hed let you, hed beg you for it, look, hes doing it right now and when he comes back down to earth, yeah, benrey is begging right now, isnt he. while hes palming at the front of his sweatpants and whimpering and calling gordon a good boy, attempting to tug his pants down to his knees so gordon can rut against bare flesh, and gordon slows down just enough to let him do it and to fumble open his own zipper to ease some of the agonizing pressure

gordon fumbling his dick out of his underwear to line it up between benreys fat cheeks and god, the feeling of skin against skin is so much fucking better than chafing against his jeans that it makes him growl against benreys neck and benrey cant pump his fucking dick fast enough. hes so encouraging, what with all those little sounds hes making and the way hes arching his back and pressing his hips up as high as theyll go, groaning into the crook of his arm "fuckin, fuck me, bro, j-just like that"

> thinking...... they both get so lost in it, they both can’t hold back long enough to fuck for real. this is too hot, benrey feels something hot and wet on his ass and gordon is curling into him. benrey’s never felt so simultaneous turned on and frustrated that he’s still empty, he’s still gonna have to wait, snd ironically that denial pushes him over too

GOD yes fuckin. coming on his ass b/c gordons so frantic and desperate that he cant wait...... but seeing his cum all over benreys ass is deeply satisfying in its own way. he smears it deep into benreys skin to mark him like that

> oh hey imma be nasty sorry but Gordon all cum-high just sort of manouvering Benrey until he can start licking his cock clean bc he likes to uh. i mean benrey's all wet and you know. he likes it. and benrey comes from that, before he can even think about sucking him off properly

> he doesnt have a thought left in his head at the moment... and can u blame him? so he just uh follows he nose....... and benrey's brain is deleted except for "GORDON FREEMAN ON MY DICK????????" bouncing around like a screensaver yes

> yeah he's not even trying to suck him off really, hes not gotten that far yet cuz hes so cumbrained, gone stupid, etc

im gonna be gross here too okay......and like. fucking. huffing and burying his nose into the crook of benreys thighs b/c he smells so intensely like sex and sweat and it makes gordon lightheaded

> YEAAH maybe he starts licking there before he gets up to his dick. it's not like he's dragging it out really so it's not long but benrey's gaping like a fish. he's trying to say something sorta but he can't get any words out and isn't even sure what he himself is trying to say

maybe he cant help himself and he just starts licking and biting on impulse b/c its your resident fuckin thigh guy here and i think benrey deserves to get em chomped like a drumstick

> and then that's gordon's tongue on his dick, bro and this neurotic mf looking so pleased and blissed out as he sloppily licks him all over is a sight he couldn't have even cooked up in his imagination before now

> benrey not coherently enough to warn him he’s like right there, his babbling incoherently at the tease of gordon’s nose and lips is gonna make him- and then his Tounge darts out and it’s over, the start of the end and he’s spurting all over gordon’s completely surprised face without even being jerked or licked through it

> maybe since gordon's been so stressed and keyed up for so long that benrey coming is a surprise but still doesn't shock him enough to clear the cumbrain, so he licks ben clean after that too, while he's twitching and whimpering etc

> think that benrey massive meat being useless and barely even touched is hip and rad even in the context of him technically being in the higher position of power

> then rests his head on beny's belly for a while, feeling very accomplished and tired. he'll panic later, don't worry

god im still thinking about. pillow humping/voyeurism

gordon freemans a bad fucking dog and sometimes he cant help himself and just starts rutting into a pillow with his ass up and his face buried in one of benreys undershirts while hes just panting and mumbling shit the whole time about benrey, benrey, benrey, why is he so fucking obsessed with benrey and with thinking about mounting him just like hes doing to his poor abused pillow every week

and. you know. maybe one day......benrey kind of.....catches him in the act. i think that would be cool. just coming home one day and cracking open his bedroom door and seeing gordon freeman on all fours, his teeth sunk deep into one pillow and another pillow between his thighs, desperately fucking it while hes groaning benreys name b/c he sure as shit was not expecting him back that early, which is why his cumbrain made him feel confident enough to crawl into benreys bed and roll around in it and mainline benreys scent from his clothes and nut on his pillow (and then feel fucking bad about it and frantically try to clean it off)

and benrey just slooowly steps back with his heart pounding out of his chest for possibly the first time in his whole life b/c he did not think gordon freeman ever wanted to fuck him, but here he is, using benreys pillow as an imitation of the real thing and jerking off in his bed

just turns right the fuck back around and goes into the bathroom and splashes some water on his face and stares down at his sudden boner

THANKS FOR READING ALL OF THIS B/C THIS ISNT EVEN GETTING INTO THE PISS STUFF THAT WEVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT. SORRY FOR BEING LIKE THIS

#asky #writin stuff

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