cons: caught the dreaded plague this week
pros?: finally feeling human enough to play video games, which means i'm being paid to finish my disco elysium playthrough
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It's cool because I'm no longer really depressed. Not exactly, I think.
However, I still have this problem I've never been able to get rid of. I have the idea of doing a thing but then my brain goes blank and I don't do the thing. If it's a mandatory thing I will at some point do it but like with guilt, anxiety, stress and quickly and badly. But the worse part is for hobbies. I do have ideas, desire but still I don't do the things. It absolutely make zero fucking sense. It's like my brain is lacking a connection between the thought and the execution of it. It's draining all of my energy. I don't know what to do with it.
Honestly as much as I don't like working, it's kind of a good thing that I have a job, obviously for money, but also to have a somewhat healthy pattern. It's not that healthy because I go to bed later than I should be and so I'm always tired. What I mean is that I have to cook, shower etc. And I do this because of work. I know this because every weekend everything fall apart from Friday to Sunday 18:00 when the guilt finally kick in. Like, I do enjoy cooking but somehow it's easier for me to cook for work than the weekend when I barely eat anything and at weird hours. So yes I perfectly know that if I didn't have a job I would be a total mess. And that's why unlike some of my colleagues I can't quit and give myself two months of rest before actively applying for a new job, I know it won't happen (also obviously money and even though I saved some I suffer from what I call "ex poor syndrome" so even though I know I could technically survive a few months without a salary my anxiety will never ever allow me to quit without having something to bring me money at the end of the month). So yes the plan is to apply to stuff till I have a the certainty to have a new job, then quit and take all my vacation days and maybe a few extra days. Problem is the energy needed to search for a new job. Similarly I kinda think about trying once again to do something about my driving licence, because I know I will have more chances to find a job, I could go live more in a suburb less expensive area and also the reality of adulthood since my grandpa hit me that I will need to be able to drive to take care of my parents someday. But then again my brain don't want to hear anything about it. So obviously I'm like, well then let's chill and let's do something we like. Writing about the books I finally read, collages, gif making, writing, I don't know literally drawing ugly doodles in a notebook? But even for this my brain shut down. It's exhausting I really don't know what to do with it anymore.
My brain literally lack the "click" thing that activates the whole process.
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