#im just holding myself accountable

[whumble-beeee]

Whumptember 2023, Day 8 

“Don’t come back”

Kicked out | Saying goodbye for the last time | Lashing out 

The Bee’s Whumptember Masterlist

~1030 words

CW: bad caretaker (pretty much a whumper tbh), killing mention, suffocation, shooting people with bows mention

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“Out,” Caretaker growled, eyes fiery, muscles tensed, arm pointed straight out toward the door. Vigilante stopped short and stared at Caretaker, suddenly not so concerned with screaming and pleading with them to fork over their compound bow.

“I–... What?”

“Out.” Caretaker elaborated. “Get out. Go away, hasta la vista, I’m pointing at the door, go to it and use it to go away and never come back.”

“There’s no need to be so… rude…” Vigilante trailed off, realizing this probably wasn't the best time to be snarky. Even though Caretaker didn’t really seem to get that memo. 

Caretaker couldn’t really be saying… could they? “Never come back?... Caretaker, you're overreacting, lets just–"

"NO, VIGIL!" Caretaker yelled, throwing their hands down and storming over to Vigilante, practically backing them up against the wall as they scrambled to get away from their enraged, superpowered friend. “You don’t tell me that I’m overreacting, you do NOT get to tell me that I’m overreacting!”

They whirled around suddenly, stumbling over their words as they tried to form a coherent sentence, before giving up and letting out a loud angry curse to the heavens. They stamped their foot on the ground like a toddler having a temper tantrum and left a cracking dent in the lacquered wood floor.

Vigilante felt the color drain from their face as they stared wide-eyed at the dent. Caretaker whirled around again with a new righteous fury and Vigilante stumbled back into the wall, breath hitching. They couldn’t take their eyes off Caretaker, but they so badly wanted to just look down in submission. To apologize for what they’d done.

“Vigil, we had a deal,” Caretaker growled. Their voice was dangerously calm as Vigilante shook and cowered against the wall. “You apologize to all the people you hurt, the families of the people you killed with that damn bow.” Caretaker took a step toward them with gritted teeth and thundery eyes. “And you’d never use that thing again. You promised me. You promised them.”

Vigilante let out a small squeak as their throat struggled to work up a response. “I-I-I didn’t me-ean to–”

“I let you stay here because you promised that. You promised me.” Caretaker's voice broke, tears sparkly faintly on the edges of their eyes. “I wanted to be the person I needed when I was at my lowest, for you, because I didn’t have anyone like that.”

Vigilante tensely held their hands in front of their chest, wet eyes wide and unblinking. “Ca-aretaker, I’m so-o-rry-y.”

Caretaker stared at them for a long time before their face slowly morphed back into the mask of unbridled fury. “No, you’re fucking not.” They whispered through gritted teeth. Their eyes narrowed, their muscles practically shaking. “You’re just scared of me.”

Caretaker surged forward, grabbing Vigilante’s lapels and shoving them upward into the wall. Vigilante gasped at the sudden pressure shoving painfully into their chest as they grasped at Caretaker's wrists, struggling for any way to get them off, shaking wildly from the pure voracity of it, deafening white noise filling their entire being as their feet searched desperately for the ground. Their head swam as their breathing stuttered against the crushing pin.

Caretaker pressed even further in response, tightening the collar of Vigilante's shirt suffocatingly around their neck. “If you were sorry, you wouldn’t do it again.” They could feel Caretaker’s hot breath misting uncomfortably onto their cheeks. “You wouldn’t sneak out over and over again, you wouldn’t break into the safe and steal the bow back, you wouldn’t go out and get someone killed again and again and again. Over and over and over!”

Caretaker jolted Vigilante and they saw stars. They blinked rapidly, desperately trying to fight off the black slowly consuming their vision. It didn’t work. Their head filled with cotton as it raced away from them at a thousand miles an hour. Was Caretaker actually going to kill them?

“Caretaker–” Vigilante wheezed pleadingly, head lolling backward as they weakly squeezed caretaker’s wrists. “Can’t– I– I ca-an’t–...”

Caretaker dropped Vigilante’s shirt and they collapsed to the floor at Caretaker’s feet, half unconscious and hacking violently into themself. Shivers wracked their body as one hand curled protectively around their throat. 

Caretaker just stared down at them with narrowed eyes. Finally, when Vigilante was just barely hyperventilating and sobbing into the floor, Caretaker spoke again. “You’re out of chances, Vigil. Get out. Don’t come back.”

Vigilante nodded meekly, watching tears slowly drip down and splash onto the hard dark surface they were curled up on. “I’l-l– I’ll le-e-eav-v-ve.”

Caretaker nudged Vigilante toward the door, not quite hard enough to be a kick. Vigilante tipped over onto their side with a small thump, and Caretaker rolled their eyes with a sigh, pinching at the bridge of their nose.

“If I ever see you again, Vigilante, I’ll kill you.” 

Not a threat, just a promise. Vigilante nodded quickly, not meeting Caretaker’s eyes, and Caretaker curtly turned around and walked away deeper into the home. Probably to Vigilante’s room to throw all their stuff out. Or destroy it.

Vigilante laid on the floor, taking deep breaths and willing with all their might for their heart to stop racing, taking in deep gulps of air and rubbing the wet tear tracks from their face. They knew they deserved this. They knew it every time they stole their bow back, every time they saw the arrow buried into the chest of an unsuspecting target, every time they hit the wrong person, every time Caretaker found out and lectured them, saying they knew Vigilante could be better if they just tried, how they would never stop helping until Vigilante could actually, truly help people. And Vigilante would smile up at them with sad tears in their eyes, thankful they had a person who would believe in them when even they couldn't believe in themself.

They would smile because they knew Caretaker would never give up on them.

Now, they just sobbed.

Slowly, Vigilante built up the strength to finally stand up and stumble toward the door. They wrenched it open with a cry, and walked away without looking back

@whumptember

[casually-slips-into-coma]

literally cant deal with people saying that since the trial episodes revisit to the s1e5 fight louis is at fault. watching with your eyes closed fr

[lost-in-fandoms]

sort of medieval AU in which you don't ascend to the throne by birthright but because you've proven yourself. Daniel had been on the way to become king but then Max had arrived and taken his place. Now Max is king and Daniel is the knight closest to him, made confidant, protector and lover.

After a tourney in which Daniel competed and Max did not, Max helps him take off his armor, piece by piece, gently helping him bathe afterwards.

[yi3248]

sometimes self care is drawing your own custom card holder cover

[zephyrine-gale]

Hello!!! First off, love your art so much!!! And hope you had a great time at anime expo. I was wondering when your store is going to open again?

hi!! thank you both for the reminder!

I was gonna open earlier this month but I have another con coming up in a month (rather than 2 months, I misremembered :'D )

so I've been rushing designs that I was working on so they'd be there for that con + figuring out shipping for POs placed before AX and then completely forgor about shop opening......

but I'll give myself a hard deadline so shop actually does open ajfhjhj you can expect it to open on friday or during that weekend! (21-23rd)

I'll make another post with a more concrete date, it just takes me a while to make new graphics for shop and product updates!

(and little sneak peak at designs that I'm currently working on for upcoming con!)

[bunnihearted]

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅

[btwn2lungs]

me when i feel any slightly uncomfortable or negative emotion towards the circumstances of the two grown ass men involved in organized crime that i decided to make my comfort characters:

well, well, well. if isn’t it the consequences of my own actions.

[mueritos]

Hey. Idk if this is me growing up or just being disillusioned with inter celebs etc. Im a 23 yr old trans man so I grew up and was inspired by chella on the YouTube community. But now I just…don’t like chella man anymore. I feel like…he became an industry plant? Over the pandemic asking fans for money to send to him directly to help others and not showing where the money was going exactly incident as well as just becoming older I noticed he seemed to almost want to become the next Keith haring or basquiat? He almost…now seems very fake? He takes deals with brands to be representation but doesn’t do much to call out certain brands for their faults etc.

Idk anymore

I give Chella credit in that he was one of the few transmen that I looked up while I was young, especially with him being BIPOC. Showing him to my family helped them understand me. But that's where the inspiration kinda stops, because it was painful to be surrounded by years-in-transition trans men online when I was absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. That was a me problem tho. But I also didn't know much about his whole donation incident.

Ig heres what I have to say. It's not great to view other people as your justification of your morals. We don't know how people have had to live or how they live now, we don't know what decisions they have to make, and we dont know what kind of fears or goals they have. Chella is allowed to do whatever he wants with his art or his modelling career, just like how I genuinely believe anyone else in the world is capable of making the right decisions for themselves (even if we dont like those decisions!). Im not really concerned with figuring out if hes an industry plant or a "class traitor" (lol) or even if he's "fake". To be honest, I'm all for BIPOC folks getting their $. Does that mean I enjoy seeing wealthy BIPOC folk perpetuate classism and racism? No. Just cuz someone is succeeding for themselves doesn't mean people cant critique them. I guess what Im saying is I see waaay too many people online take the things they enjoy and the people they follow as projections of their morals: "no! stop [Insert celebrity name] you're being problematic and its makes us fans look bad!" Like....Okay lmfao. People are grown adults and are going to make decisions for themselves. Just because you might enjoy a celebrity does not mean your morals are based on how good of a person they are.

and youre allowed to not like the same things anymore just like how people are allowed to change, for better or for worse. I think within online communities there is way too much pressure on "looking" like a good person versus actually being one...because sometimes BEING a good person makes you look absolutely vile in terms of online spaces/communities love of isolating, removing, and deleting "problematic" (and vulnerable) people from their spaces with no trial, discussion, or attempt at conflict mediation. Yea yea I do think people have every right to be criticized just as they have every right to make whatever decision they want, but what Im trying to get at is to really stop viewing anyone with a platform as someone you can other once they dont meet your standards. This is not the same as denouncing or critiquing someone for really egregious behavior (white supremacy, harrassment, bullying, interpersonal violence). Once you kinda start living by your own morals without needing other people's actions/behaviors to justify/define them, you learn to focus on building connections rather than destroying them.

again, this is a much nuanced topic and you prolly werent expecting me to go into this. but ive grown over the years and have engaged in some nasty and vile mob mentality behavior that i just dont vibe with anymore. im not really the kind of person now to speculate online or publicly what other people are doing or should be doing or whether theyre problematic or not. I don't really care about Chella man or most celebrities rn. People r just gonna be people, and I will always have empathy for those of marginalized identities. Free will, autonomy, and self determination goes both ways, but so does accountability, transformative justice, and reconciliation.

but also like kill ur idols lol

[lanarchive]

hi just wanted to say that this is gonna be the last game (and probably day) that im here on tumblr for the rest of the season :/ it isn’t cause of arsenal or the title race i swear 😭 im gonna leave regardless of how we do tonight because life is getting hectic (in what is inshallah the best way) and i really wanna focus on that so yeah :) ly all 💗🫶🏽

[feyd-meowtha]

New chapter of 3am Eternal tomorrow you say?

Intriguing

[rabble-dabble]

its anger until they learn its a father. "men are like that," she told me, when he's still sleeping his blackout from last night off and she's been awake since six that morning. "they never admit to their feelings."

i've learned all the bad things to look out for. they gaslight reality into their version of things, strangers on the internet say, until the memory becomes true and the victim doubts their own sanity. i can't remember who started the arguement but somehow, i'm always wrong. i thought, maybe, i was just too immature to understand, too young to get why he was so cruel to me. you and your generation are so sensitive, he told me over and over again. you're so sensitive, it was just a joke. i cried in his arms when i reported my mom to cps, scared of her reaction, scared she'd come after me despite living thousands of miles away. the joke was me acting like my mom. you need help, he told me - the same man who screamed in my face with booze breath about how maybe i deserved what i got. maybe i deserved what i got - the same man who held me at birth and told me about my big bright eyes - and i am the reason i am so broken. get help, yells the same man who told me he went to therapy and got 'fixed'. i have been in therapy for six months.

my therapist tells me to move on - i should clarify, she's actually a counsler, a kind woman who i see every two weeks. "what do you want from this relationship?" she asks me. "my brother and i, we used to be at each others throats, and then when we got older-" i listen to how she found peace with her siblings. she doesn't mention her parents. i think about my brother, who got the worst of the abuse, and how we haven't talked in a while. "i want an apology, i want a sorry, i want a father," i tell her, crying as i remember my dad screaming at me. "it doesn't sound like he's the type of person who will give that to you," she responded.

we talk about expectations vs. reality. is this my fate? is this my world, to never expect recogniztion for what happened to me? "you need to let it go, it happened over six months ago," my aunt says. her husband won't put his food away before leaving to hunt. he leaves his trash on the counter, which she throws away as she shakes her head and throws another chore on her ever growing list of things to take care of. "i know your father. his behavior is in his namesake. you expect him to change, but he will never change." he is in his fourties. a grown man who is not even halfway through life; i turn 21 this year, and last year on my birthday he called me a bitch for not calling my mom while i was going to the movies with my best friend. i bought my own birthday cake, and he made me feel guilty for asking him to pick it up as if it was too much of a chore for him. he hadn't taken me to the dmv to get my license so i could legally start driving. "stop trying to change your father." change him? i am asking for the bare minimum. i am asking for a person who is supposed to love me to love me kindly. i asked him if we could get therapy together. he told me no.

my counsler said i was stuck between wanting a relationship and needing to move on. "you need to find peace." but i don't know if i will find the peace she means - every male figure i have seen has been given every reason not to try harder. my mother's boyfriend didn't look after his own kids, even when i had to leave school to wash my baby sister after she vomitted from a fever. my dad never brought in the groceries, just sat in a chair drinking mike's lemonade while he watched me and my stepmom and two stepsisters bring in the bags and put it all away. my aunt's husband made their dog have puppies recently- and my aunt is exhausted from taking care of them, despite not wanting them. what peace is there to find here? to find peace with how the world "works", with how these men will do anything to be incompetent to their partners? to their families? i am just angry. i don't want to find peace in these situations! these women deserve better. i deserve better. but i am told i can do nothing to change it- i am merely the child of a father. worse- i was born a daughter, a servant; a peacemaker. "i am angry!" i told my therapist. "it's not fair!"

"i know," she says. i cry and think about an apology i will never get. all men are- i have heard this over and over. i do not want to be the person who finds peace in this broken machine, in those broken words. i want to tear it all down, piece by piece, until there are no more 'all men are'. i want to be angry, i want to be vicious, to snarl back as i refuse to be another victim finding peace with this standard of incompetent men. they can do better, i scream to the machine, tearing at rusting metal with my hardened hands, hold them accountable, for the love of god, be angry!

if i'm to find peace i want to do it bloodsoaked. if i have to find peace with no remorse then i will do it with sharp claws and teeth, with gentle hands but an aware mind. i do not want to find peace with dull contempt, i want to find it with the knowledge i will not allow my life to be dictated by this low standard. my dad tells me you will never truly be a real man. i tell him with a smile, at least i won't be a man like you.

[incalamity]

ok going to start writing a fic that i think will be my longest yet.......i am nervous

[daughterofsarenrae]

anyone have advice on learning a language when you don't have anyone to speak it with

[daydadahlias]

scale of 1-10 how much fun do you have when you send asks to yourself

a lot more fun than this ask

[sacreblugh]

im gonna be 19 this year and it kinda fucks me up to think about it because my dad was 19 when I was born and with each year that passes and the more masc i get, the more I look like him. and fuck i kinda act like him from time to time too

[whsprings]

I either gotta set some boundaries (unlikely) or gtfo of here. I don't want to hear about how you're exercising or how scary eating out is or see fresh sh or