#im just tired and want more meaningful connections in my life

[adambomb82]

hahahahahahahha uhhhhhhhhh

[traumacatholic]

I recently got engaged to the love of my life. We are both still very young, but currently there is a possibility they may have cancer. we cannot currently make an appointment with the hospital because its the weekend, and moreover if we can get an appointment it may be months away. Im terrified beyond belief. My fiancé even more so.

I truly do not know what to do. I'm someone who has been blessed in life in that I have never lost someone close to me. My fiancé pulled me out of the worst time in my life when I met them. My connection to God has never been strong despite my family being catholic. I don't even really know how to pray. We have so many plans for the future, to be married and raise a family together. To try and put a little good back into the world. To grow old together.

I am at a loss. Any prayer you can offer would mean so much to me. I would do anything for my fiancé, and though it feels wrong to come back to my faith because something horrible is happening and not for simply wanting to I only hope God can forgive me for it and protect my Love.

Of course, I will keep you both in my prayers. Never feel like you're turning to your faith for the 'wrong' reason, because this can put you off really engaging and connecting with your faith and using it as a pillar and a support network. Please reach out to a Church, even if you aren't currently attending one. And asking for prayers and for help from the Priest. Even if you did turn to faith for the 'wrong' reason, ultimately by spending time in prayer, spending time reading Scripture, spending time going to Church - whatever things you might be doing. Should hopefully lead to you sincerely connecting with your faith in a way that perhaps feels more meaningful to you. A genuine engagement with the faith. It is better to turn to God in times of desperate situations, than to never turn to Him at all. God never tires of us turning to Him for help.

People turn to the faith in different ways, in many different situations. We should never treat the individual turning to God as 'this is the right reason', 'this is the wrong reason'. Anything that could lead to someone genuinely increasing their faith, no matter how slim that possibility may be, should be encouraged. How many cultural Catholics still turn to St Anthony for help finding a lost item? Or a Hail Mary when they're in the hospital waiting room? As the old saying goes 'there's no atheist in the trenches'. And regardless of how 'silly' or 'insincere' or whatever else term we might use that turn to faith might be, God will use it as an opportunity for you to develop or redevelop that relationship with Him. Our entire life is a conversion process. We are always, every single day, choosing to convert to God through repentance or choosing to slip away from Him. Hoping in God, hoping in His power and His mercy and His comfort isn't a bad thing.

In terms of prayers, if you are feeling up for it. There is an Akathist to the Theotokos for healing - particularly for healing from cancer. I know you don't have a confirmed diagnosis, but please don't feel like you have to wait until then to pray this. You can pray it now. This is a long prayer. It is designed to be read all the way through. Don't worry about the names of Troparion or Kontakion, that's meant for people that are chanting the Akathist. http://www.stvladimiraami.org/sheetmusic/akathistvsetsaritsa.pdf Has the beginning prayers, as well as the full akathist. Generally, the first couple of times reading through an Akathist can make it take a long time. But I found through the Akathist that I prayed daily, that eventually it takes a lot less time because you know the prayer well enough. Don't feel like you have to read this every day. Traditionally, Akathists can be said once a day for a 40 day period. You don't have to do it for that long, just as and when it feels feasible. It does also have three prayers at the bottom. If you're ever not feeling up for praying the Akathist, feel free to pray those individually.

I have attached some much shorter prayers under the read more. Feel free to mix and match between them. I would recommend having at least one prayer, that you pray morning and night. If you can, I would also recommend reading a Psalm a day.

Dear Lord, as my loved ones and I await the results of medical tests about my affliction, let us offer you our anxieties for our good and your glory. Calm us in our worries, knowing these don’t add wisdom but rather stress to this situation. Enlighten us, though the power of your Spirit, to make wise decisions as to treatment. Help us not to turn away from You in these fragile, painful moments, but rather towards you for grace and strength. Comfort us in seeking you now as we place all our concerns in your loving hands as we say “Thy Will Be Done.”

--

Mary, health of the sick, you brought forth into our world Jesus Christ, our Divine Healer. In your caring goodness, intercede for (mention name), who is truly in need of miraculous assistance.

If it be God’s will, I ask this day that the gift of healing from all forms of cancer be granted to (name).

Comfort him/her during times of anguish, pain, confusion and despair. Ask our gracious Savior to grant him/her physical health, inner peace and patience in suffering.

May God’s healing graces grant (name) a life of happiness, health and fulfillment here on earth, and one day the joy of eternal glory in His loving embrace.

Amen.

--

Let us pray to the Lord. Lord have mercy.

O Lord Almighty, the Healer of our souls and bodies, You Who put down and raise up, Who chastise and heal also; do You now, in Your great mercy, visit our brother (sister) (Name), who is sick. Stretch forth Your hand that is full of healing and health, and get him (her) up from his (her) bed, and cure him (her) of his (her) illness. Put away from him (her) the spirit of disease and of every malady, pain and fever to which he (she) is bound; and if he (she) has sins and transgressions, grant to him (her) remission and forgiveness, in that You love mankind; yea, Lord my God, pity Your creation, through the compassions of Your Only-Begotten Son, together with Your All-Holy, Good and Life-creating Spirit, with Whom You are blessed, both now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen.

Let us pray to the Lord. Lord have mercy.

O Lord our God, Who by word alone did heal all diseases, Who did cure the kinswoman of Peter, You Who chastise with pity and heal according to Your goodness; Who are able to put aside every malady and infirmity, do You Yourself, the same Lord, grant aid to this Your servant (Name) and cure him (her) of every sickness of which he (she) is grieved; lift him (her) up from his (her) bed of pain and distress, and send down upon him (her) Your great mercy, and if it be Your Will, give to him (her) health and a complete recovery; for You are the Physician of our souls and bodies, and to You do we send up Glory: to Father, and to Son, and to Holy Spirit, both now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen.

--

O God, our help in time of need, Who are just and merciful, and Who inclines to the supplications of His people.

Look down upon ____________and have mercy on them and deliver them from the trouble that now besets them.

Deal with ____________ not according to their iniquities, but according to Your manifold mercies, for we are the works of Your hands, and You know our weaknesses.

I pray to you to grant ____________ Your divine helping grace, and endow them with patience and strength to endure their hardships with complete submission to Your Will.

Only You know our misery and sufferings, and to You, our only hope and refuge, we flee for relief and comfort, trusting in Your infinite love and compassion, that in due time, when You know best, You will deliver ____________ from this trouble, and turn their distress into comfort.

We then shall rejoice in Your mercy, and exalt and praise Your Holy Name, O Father, Son and Holy Spirit, both now and forever and to the ages of ages.  Amen

--

[Feel free to pray this one for yourself, and to edit it to be a prayer for your fiancé. From my understanding, when we are praying for someone else, we omit any references to them being a sinner. So you would edit it to 'Be merciful to him/her, O Master. Take from them the heavy burden of despair.']

O Greatly-merciful Master, Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me and cleanse me from every sadness and disturbance and cowardice. Drive away from me every spiritual choking and demonic sorrow, that I sense in my body and my soul. For You are our Joy, and the Hope of all the ends of the earth, and those far off at sea. Be merciful to me, O Master, upon my sins. Take from me the heavy burden of sin and despair. Drive far away from me every sadness and laziness. Confirm me in Your Love, and with unassailable hope and unshakable faith in You, through the intercessions of Your Spotless Mother, and all Your Saints. Amen.

--

[I would recommend this one for yourself]

O Master, Lord my God, in Whose hands is my destiny: Help me according to Thy mercy, and leave me not to perish in my transgressions, nor allow me to follow them who place desires of the flesh over those of the spirit. I am Thy creation; disdain not the work of Thy hands. Turn not away; be compassionate and humiliate me not, neither scorn me, O Lord, as I am weak. I have fled unto Thee as my Protector and God. Heal my soul, for I have sinned against Thee. Save me for Thy mercy's sake, for I have cleaved unto Thee from my youth; let me who seeks Thee not be put to shame by being rejected by Thee for mine unclean actions, unseemly thoughts, and unprofitable remembrances. Drive away from me every filthy thing and excess of evil. For Thou alone art holy, alone mighty, and alone immortal, in all things having unexcelled might, which, through Thee, is given to all that strive against the devil and the might of his armies. For unto Thee is due all glory, honor and worship: To the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen

--

[quanticq]

Hey Q! Sorry for bothering you, but for some reason I can no longer find any of your tik tok accounts 😭 Did they get deleted or something?

Hi this is Q! I’m coming out of the woodwork to address this, since I did went radio silent out of the blue so it’s not a bother at all

The short answer is Yes, I deleted my tiktok

Yes delete not deactivate, I’m not coming back to That app or IG or Twt, I deleted my socials except here and YouTube, I honestly felt so overwhelmed with everything, I realized I’m not even posting for myself anymore there. A lots of people crossed my boundaries time and time again I felt so helpless, bitter with myself. I guess I was just overwhelmed with the attention I got; both positive and negatives ones.

Im done and I want to start over so that’s why I’m here and on YouTube, I already posted some of these on my community tab on YT but here’s what I have in mind for the future of the content I want to create: more detail under the cut, and also;

CW: very brief mention of spiraling, harm inflict oneself or others, paranoia, etc

•Long-form content: my attention span is a bit messed up from consuming and making short-form content to the point where I can’t focus in university. I want to create something meaningful. It’s not that my previous content was not meaningful, no. I had fun and no time is wasted when I have fun, it was warm… but as I mentioned earlier, I just felt this lingering bitterness the longer I stayed making those short-form content. It really felt like I was on the verge of losing it. Especially with how the bigger following I have the less people think of me as a person than just another content creator you see on the internet,

I want to create long-form content, I’m so tired of forcing myself to generate 15 second content. On tiktok it just feels like I’m just creating and not really connecting. I want to try something new, maybe create an open space for meaningful discussion in the comments. I don’t think I can stand another copy-paste tiktok comment anymore. You know what I meant if you’re frequent on that app.

•Art Content with Commentary: and don’t worry this won’t be those petty artist drama issue, but I will still cover anything serious

it could be love letters or video essays ranging from fan fictions, fandom culture, the art scene and so much more. I may even share a bit of my personal life, this will be self indulgent after all! I want to make it fun for myself and as well to those who comes across my channel. I really REALLY want to create a genuine following.

On tiktok it’s so easy to gain following but not so easy to retain them, it’s mostly because of the algorithm and the FYP feature there.

On Tiktok most content that would get featured as an artist there would be creative work has to be either; more than exceptional which is pressuring enough already to consistent posters, straight up suggestive content shown to minors (tiktok doesn’t really have a blocked keywords feature but it’s so disheartening to see these creators intentionally not using the sensitive warning since it could limit their reach significantly) oh yes we can’t forget the negativity surrounding beginner artists or “art lore”

All of this cesspool of negativity, it’s a whole can of worms but it will be one of my prominent topics that I wish to discuss in my future art commentaries. I hope you guys are looking forward to those! I might bring in a few people or so to talk about it with me

and finally;

•Streaming: I used to do a lot of streams during the weekends on the clock app and it was super fun! I want to bring that back but that would have to wait since I’m unfamiliar with some features on YouTube, and I’m aware that YT does not have a discoverable feature for stream but that’s alright, I want to start something small first.

In short; I’ll figure it out! just need some baby steps before I start streaming again.

.

I apologize for deleting everything out of the blue, if I’m gonna be honest it was partially planned because I’ve been thinking about deleting my tiktok, twitter and Instagram for a while now but how it happened? In my breakdown I realized that I don’t want anyone to see me spiral, especially now that I realized how young my audience are, I’m not sure how that happened but I guess posting fandom contents does attract the young ones somehow inevitably, even though my content is nowhere near as suggestive, but I do talk about serious topics from time to time… but I digress, its not fair for them to deal with me if they see me spiral publicly,

it is especially not fair to them to console me. When I was younger than 14, I’ve been in a position where I have to talk down someone who was older, maybe 4-5 years older than me, from harming themselves or anyone, it was traumatizing and unpleasant. I don’t wish for anyone to go through that, it’s very painful.

It’s been… hard for me to ground myself. Ive been seeing things through a kaleidoscope of emotions; I was trying to focus on everything but it’s just too overwhelming so eventually I cracked. But please don’t worry I’ve been doing better now, after some time away from my online persona, and of course spending time with my beloved girlfriend, I see things much more clearly now.

Thank you to anyone who read this and much so appreciate those who understand where I’m coming from

Also now that I think of it can my stuff be considered as lost media now? Amazing! But please don’t be sad the fun I had was genuine!

Thank you again to those who genuinely enjoyed my content on tiktok but it’s time for me to try my hand at something new, I will still be dwelling in my creative headspace just.. away from public for now,

if you’re looking forward for my future post, make sure to check out my YouTube! I still have a lot I need to cook hehe, this is one of the few!

More post soon, Bye bye! -Q

[necroangelz]

🪽!! I LOVE LEARNING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OCS

『 🪽 』

infodump about an oc

i do too, anon!!

in this post im discussing two ocs instead of one!! that's because they exist within the same story and they're intrinsically linked with each other :3 (although this post will focus more on one oc, norwynn, because i was only able to flesh out their story before i tired of these ocs)

picrew linkie

introducinggg: my ocs essakaria or essa for short, (left one, she/he) and norvynnien or norwynn for short (right one, they/them) the twins with Complicated Sibling Dynamic!!!

i made these ocs when during my Encanto phase and empires SMP phase. the "twin siblings with a complicated bond" detail was inspired by Scott and xornoth from empires SMP, and the themes of like, special gifts and the consequences of having the special gifts were inspired by Encanto.

essa and norwynn are twin siblings and they're royalty. they're the children of the King and Queen of a prosperous and beautiful empire, which i nicknamed the gilded empire but never actually got around to naming

uu see in this kingdom there's some sort of prophecy. every century or three, one twin in a set of twin siblings will be chosen by the universe to receive great power close to godliness that's beyond your imagination (aka they can do literally anything with their powers except for overly crazy reality bending or anything that has to do with time). but they are not granted a good life. they will be revered and glorified, but in the end they will be disgraced, and they'll wither away and be forgotten from history. they will never be truly happy

no one knows about this prophecy. not even the royal family. sure, one could've observed that from reading up on the royal family's history BUT I NEVER THOUGJT ABOUT THAT but history is so distorted no one would know about that shit haha!

so, our latest receiver of this curse hidden as a gift is norvynnien, or norwynn for short.

left is essa, right is norwynn, like the first photo. this one is them as children. (i like this a lot because of the lil details i put in. the simple crown on essa's head vs the flower crown on norwynn's head indicates how adored norwynn was. norwynn stares almost negatively at essa while essa emptily looks into the distance. essa holds up the sword with a bare hand because he was honest and he wanted people to acknowledge all of his work and efforts. norwynn holds a bloody sword pointing down with a gloved hand because they lived a comfortable life and behind the scenes committed horrible acts)

norwynn had a shit life. everyone sorta dehumanized them and glorified them, treating them like a saint that performs miracles and they made them solve like almost every problem in the kingdom. the beacon of hope that only exists to serve. they made norwynn talk to the dead for fucks sake and heal the sick and wounded and breathe life back into forests and whatever the fuck

this caused norwynn to detach themself from everything from a very young age. they didn't enjoy a fun regular childhood. they didn't form meaningful connections w/ anyone because in their eyes everyone just wanted to use them. tbh they were constantly dissociated. they would've had a close bond with essa but the divide between them grew with them until they only regarded each other as strangers. norwynn saw essa as their lowly unworthy sibling, whom they only paid attention when they wanted to play tricks on her for their own amusement; and essa saw norwynn as the sibling she'll never have and the person she'll never be.

no one paid much attention to essa, meaning she made herself work thrice as hard so she can someday achieve her dream of ruling the kingdom. honestly it's interesting that essa actually had a proper dream she worked hard for while norwynn didn't really care about any of that. they thought they'd be fine until the end because of their power and fame. or so they thought!

okay so this part might be a little complicated BUT: norwynn's powers started fading. this scared them a lot. they don't know who tf they are without their powers. so they obsessively experimented with their magic to find out what's going on. they learned something shocking: all of their magic has been weakening except for their "dark magic" that deals with death, corruption, darkness etc which they've barely used because they never needed it.

they experimented often w/ their dark magic to learn more about it. it steadily grew as time passed and the rest of their powers weakened more and more. they found creative ways to cover up the weakening of their powers (example: pretending to heal someone with a morbid illness, and cursing the patient to get worse after getting better so they come back to norwynn again and again) no one suspected anything was wrong and they were admired all the more. norwynn was deathly afraid of anyone finding out something was wrong because they wanted to maintain that facade of godly perfection. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH NORWYNN WHATSOEVER! they were hanging on by a thread bro

i have this mini arc idea in my head where norwynn tries to learn more about the origin of their power (they don't believe that whole "sent by the gods" bullshit) they discover the locations of different lost libraries that could contain info valuable to them and they end up bringing essa along to find the libraries and peruse the knowledge stored within them. why essa?? idfk norwynn was bored. maybe essa had her own thing going on where the libraries could help her and she needed norwynn to access them. this mini arc would not help them get closer but they would feel connected. just a little bit. they'd understand each other just slightly and wonder if their lives would've been better if they were never separated but after that they never talk to each other again

eventually norwynn learned about the prophecy i mentioned in the beginning. this distressed them a lot. they didn't like that their life had been dictated since a millenia ago. most of all they didn't want to be forgotten and hated after giving their everything to their kingdom

so how does this part of norwynn's backstory end? well im not able to explain most of the logic behind this so just bear with me and go along with what i tell uu

norwynn decided to take over their kingdom. most of their magic had become non existent now, leaving only their dark magic available to them, which had become so strong they can hardly contain it anymore. they destroyed the kingdom, setting the streets on fire with unnatural flames that burned faster and hotter than normal flames do. they unleashed earthquakes that split the ground. invasive and dangerous flora grew everywhere, destroying the local environment. (if one is familiar with empires SMP, just imagine xornoth's corruption of the empires. it's like that.) this catastrophic event caused the deaths of norwynn and essa's parents, and the deaths of some nobles.

norwynn claimed that they unleashed invisible toxic vapors that poisoned everyone in the kingdom and everyone would all die in a few minutes. everyone panicked and norwynn enjoyed the power trip. after being coddled and revered and being told that they had to play the part of basically a god bc of the powers they were born with, in some twisted way they enjoyed feared

so yea the citizens of the kingdom were all scared and shit. they begged for their lives and they begged that... "whatever evil spirit possessed their saintly norwynn would leave and stop punishing their kingdom." basically people blamed norwynn's takeover on other faceless forces. most people didn't blame norwynn themself. this pissed norwynn off, that until the end people still hung on to the belief that norwynn was their saint. they couldn't even get the full satisfaction of a villain arc. so they bitterly stopped their attack, withdrew the evil shit they unleashed upon the kingdom, and left. just straight up disappeared.

what happens after that? essa immediately inherited the throne with her parents and twin (norwynn was supposed to inherit the throne lmao they didn't even want it) gone. essa struggled to get used to it, people watching her every move, expecting her to rebuild the kingdom after the destruction wreaked by norwynn, expecting her to be the perfect leader and to fill the roles of her parents and norwynn at once somehow. people looked at her like a stranger. essa knew she shouldve been happy now that she was crowned, but it wasn't right and it wasn't how she wanted it. essa became a competent leader though.

as for norwynn, they became a mysterious and evil witch who traveled around everywhere doing whatever they wanted. and also massacring and killing a lot of people. idk why. sometimes i think of norwynn adopting a very young child who lived in a town she destroyed and raising the child like their own. the child would've been an avian-like creature (like, idk, alula from oneshot) and norwynn wouldve named them Octavia.

norwynn practiced and trained themself to regain the rest of the powers they lost until they were almost at their full strength again. also the ghosts and corpses of everyone they slaughtered haunt them at every sleeping and waking moment of their life

they were free of their life as a "saint" but even until the present they still dehumanized themself, but now they regard themself as a killing machine who slaughtered for their own satisfaction. their sins follow them everywhere

i planned a storyline where norwynn and essa reunite in the present day, and they're forced to ally with each other for their own personal goals. this time they actually develop a bond with each other and norwynn learns to be human. this story never got developed sadly because i only daydreamed of it through vague scenes and concepts

if someone was crazy enough to get this far have some excerpts of my writing related to norwynn and essa.

in this next one i used she/they pronouns for essa

this writing is like years old holy moly. okay bye now

[nerves-nebula]

sorry to bother you but i wanted to tell you your art makes me think of the the baroque renaissance. Not by the actual art but by what the art symbolizes, and what it means.

I’ve heard of the baroque renaissance being described as a misshapen pearl. The first/original renaissance was a regular pearl, delicate, perfect, pretty but ordinary. Baroque was ugly, it was organic, and human, and hurt but it was beautiful. It connected more with its viewers and it practically engaged with the audience, and it was a whole new take on art. It was bloody, emotional, and people connected with it, they felt like they were in the painting like they too were experiencing with the painting.

It reminds me so much of your art, so taboo yet so meaningful, coming from a place that is so tender and heartfelt, full of heart and yearning to be understood. The way your audience understands your art (on certain and different levels) and connects with it, finds comfort with it. Your words mean so much to so many people (including me) and I’m so glad that people are able to find comfort in your art, comics, and words.

I’m so happy that someone like you exists that makes art human again, not hiding behind humor or the element of comfort, but shows the ugly truth of childhood and trauma and the reactions to it.

And for that I thank you.

i should prolly know more about art history than i do considering art is basically my entire life- but i do generally know what you mean. renaissance was kind of softer and idealistic and while baroque was idealized in its own way it was, idk, fleshier. at least thats how i read it. and the lighting- oooh how i love baroque lighting. so dark and dramatic <3

anyway, the way you've written this is so flowery and flattering, i feel like im being serenaded or something haha. i really cant overstate how much i appreciate this, it almost feels like too much hah.

not hiding behind humor

my one note is that i would argue that I DO hide behind humor, its just that i think its very funny to be blunt about trauma. that and sometimes i just get too tired to be properly sensitive about stuff so i just Be Sayin Shit.

[pangeasoftware]

every thought I can put together about my life right now

im pilled out right now over a back injury. i'm 26 years old. i've seen myself become a progressively worse and more wanton person over the last year and it's definitely kicked into high gear the last 6 months. any semblance of routine has left my life, i'm off my meds because they were making me have psychotic delusions about how the west is trying to trigger the biblical apocalypse eventually culminating in israel invading gaza & the west bank & building the third temple in 2025, 77 years after the founding of the israeli state etc. etc. (this was 2-3 years ago, funny enough these thoughts have completely taken a backseat as things intensify.) and i was very principled and altruistic. I was working out 3+ times a week i was cooking. I was at peace with all of my interpersonal relationships and making friends at a steady pace. I finished a song. All of my friends left town when I hit 26. I visited some of them after the fact but got drunk and tried to break into their place because my gf left her purse there before they ditched us and they got mad at me and we haven't talked since. last two months i've been going to parties but only really hitting it off with like, young girls which is not who i want to be surrounding myself with because there is no common ground outside of a party setting and it is just kind of sus behavior, also probably an indicator of where i'm at in terms of maturity, most people my age or older are like well known in the community or already have friends or talk about stuff at their college-educated jobs that I don't know about or look at me weird for how im acting or what I choose to talk about because i'm not very bright or plugged in. I started really phoning it in at my job where i'm supposed to be taking care of vulnerable people. at this point i spend probably most of my workday on my phone. i used to be really on top of things. I don't do it out of a sense of entitlement or anti-employer principle or anything it's entirely a lack of self control and nobody's there to stop me. I'm going to community college classes where i'm always the oldest person there who isn't retired. i've been going to these entry-level classes for almost a decade and it makes me feel really stupid. My relationship with my partner who i love and have been with for also almost a decade has been better lately, but over these last six months at times it has been worse than it has ever been, solely because I can't figure out what I want and can't appreciate what I have. I have sunk into a deep pit of lonely indulgence in response to feelings of anxiety about the passage of time (meaning: taking stimulants to feel better, drinking all the time, jacking off, eating eating eating eating eating). I think what happened is that the

passage of time finally became impossible to ignore. from 2020-2023 my life was frozen in a bucolic crystalline lattice of domesticity that i had a sense of gratitude for that felt limitless, unending in the same way that I had an endless stretch of time on the clock. I felt ahead of the game in a lot of respects. I had found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, every day I was making meaningful connections with new people, I had done my time at a job I found tolerable and sufficiently compensatory and was making the transition to an even better one. I finished a song or two. I started getting tired of the patterns of discontent, then pleasure, then fear, then gratitude that tessellated to form my interface to the things in front of me and asked to be put on a mood stabilizer. After weeks of steady unease i forgot two doses two days in a row and plunged into a deep and unfamiliar well of fear and resentment. Every thought I have had about the passage of time over the last three to six to eight to eleven years aligned to a point- I missed the boat/I am not where I should be at this point in time/I have wasted the entirety of my youth, the wick has submerged/the time has passed for every fantasy I had about what I could be or do or create or who I could surround myself with when i was "older," "grown up," or "had the time to develop myself."/there is no longer a single thing to look forward to, because you have missed all of the inflection points to pivot your life toward where you wanted it it to be. Thoughts I had when I was 22 and wasn't watching the clock as i should have been - "if i am still in school by the time i am 26 [something will have gone terribly wrong - this is a state of failure]." I think that maybe what was sustaining me through the years of wandering inaction/fulfilled contentment was the thought

that I would always have time to do the other things, these other lives aren't mutually exclusive to experiencing this life. this is maybe one of the biggest copes I have ever engaged with, it is a thought I have

maybe hundreds of times a day. I can still do the other thing later, I want to do this right now, this is easy. I can do both things. I can indulge myself and I can be the person I want to be. I can waste as much time as I like and still look back at the end of the day and be happy with how I spent it.

Every day is a clean slate for me, there is no time like the morning because it represents a perfect, unblemished chunk of time ready for me to: 1) ideally set my affairs right and fulfill my ambitions 2) actually thoughtlessly devour, only to wonder what happened when faced with the empty plate in front of me. i think this pattern follows to every other ephemeral thing in my life. the realization of potential is a little death every time/a completely lossy process. it doesn't matter that something real became of it, it was better before it condensed because it represented so many different possibilities that could not coincide.

I don't have anybody to "look up to" anymore. Nearly anyone who as accomplished the things that I want to do, especially creatively, got it done when they were my age or younger. The time has passed and there is now a concrete veil between my path and theirs, because I spent my time differently. it's a really bad feeling. I put a lot of effort and thought into the idea of making music. It's all i want to do when I don't have the time, and the last thing that I want to do when I do have the time. I was okay with resigning it to a hobby for a number of reasons. I was at peace with the fact that I will not be able to make the things I want to make, I felt like I fully understood that there were other, much, much more important things to do with my life. I understood that the casual relationship I had with it was what kept it fulfilling and healthy. but these I think were also held in place by the understanding that "there will always be time later." My father is a failed musician, a chronic abuser, a man who suffers regular bouts of religious psychosis, and is shitting in diapers because of his drinking habit because of a lot of this. that's another thing that kept me at a safe distance from these ambitions. I didn't want to grow bitter and resentful of the actual people and places and things that made up my life because they stand in opposition to a [idealized, meaning holding infinite internal complexity and potential as discussed earlier] configuration where I got what I wanted out of myself creatively.

I'm at a point where I don't really know what comes next. I got about as far as I had mapped out, and what happened in that time didn't span the entirety of the self-conflicting imaginary that mapping consisted of, and i feel cheated because of it. because of this feeling, I'm getting mixed up and trying to push buttons because I want to feel some kind of agency in my life and i think i'm going to get taken out if i succumb to that impulse.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: derealization/dissociation, suicide

mostly venting, but also looking for advice

the past few months have been really hard for me. i realized my favorite person was abusive and toxic and lost him and all but one of our friends, then got very suddenly got into a relationship with my remaining friend. while i was in that relationship for two months, my mental health kind of crashed really horribly and i had a lot of episodes of derealization and suicidal thoughts. i guess that was too much for my partner to handle though, because we broke up and she called me toxic for only reaching out to her when i was in crisis. which, idk what to think about that really, because i kinda get where she was coming from but she was also the only person i had.

and now i have no one but my brother, but its different with him because we dont really get vulnerable around each other and im older than him so i feel like i cant break down around him.

ive felt so incredibly lonely. i have no friends and im haunted by the feeling that its all my fault. that i ruined it and lost all my friends because im selfish. i feel so guilty.

along with that, ive been not really feeling like myself and hating who i am. i want to be a different person. i want to start over. i want to start over so badly and not even to just fix what i fucked up i just want to have a completely different life.

and i know its really bad and fucked up but i wish there was more wrong with me. i wish something bad would happen to me. i want a reason to give up and scream and sob. sometimes i even wish my dissociation was worse so at least i could escape or live in my own head or wherever the fuck just so i dont have to live my stupid life.

and i know its even worse but i think most of all i want something wrong with me so people will help me and give me the attention i want. and i know im selfish but i just want someone to be able to take care of me. i dont want to work anymore im already so tired. i just want to do nothing all day i want to lay down i want to sleep.

Hi anon,

I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult time you've been going through. It sounds like you've experienced multiple losses and have been struggling with your mental health, feelings of loneliness, and a desire for a fresh start.

It's understandable that you feel lonely after losing your favorite person and friends. It's important to remember that relationships can be complicated, and sometimes people may not have the capacity to support us in the way we need. It's not necessarily your fault that these relationships didn't work out, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Loneliness can be incredibly challenging, but there are steps you can take to help build new connections and find support.

When it comes to wanting to be a different person or have a different life, it's natural to feel that way during difficult times. However, it's important to remember that personal growth and change can happen without completely starting over. Exploring new interests, setting small achievable goals, and focusing on self-care can all contribute to a sense of renewal and positive change.

It's also important to address the thoughts you mentioned about wishing something bad would happen to you or wanting attention from others. These thoughts can be a sign that you're in need of some additional support and care. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you explore your emotions, process your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies.

Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about your well-being. While it may feel tough right now, with time, support, and self-care, it's possible to find healing, create meaningful connections, and discover new possibilities in life. Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[supahstarrr]

Hi. 👋

I am going to create a Rose Lacroix MV. I know that you're a fan of Rose, so is there any songs you think would fit her well & work well in an MV for her?

I like Rose but I don't have a very strong connection to her character & do not have any songs in mind ATM, and I know you were wanting an MV for her so I wanted to see if you had any input.

Also, thank you for supporting my Ace Markey MV & other artwork - it is meaningful to me since I do not frequently post my own artwork. : )

*Credits will be given if a song suggested is used if this is something you would favor. Please feel free to let me know what handles you would like credited.

HI HI ^^!! sorry i couldnt respond sooner but i have some songs in mind. unfortunately not many songs were in the top of my head (except for the first song) so i searched my spotify playlist to find some songs (i found barely). I'm sure some other people have better songs for her as I do not consider myself the Rose Lacroix Connoisseur despite loving her lots, but anyways i will list my reasonings for my choices, the ways they fit and some of the ways they don't.

Also, you're welcome for the support <3 your artwork is very nice and lovely. Thank YOU for the support, because you've genuinely been one of my top supporters when it comes to my art and thank you for still sticking with me even though im so indecisive lol.. Also do NOT worry about giving credit!!! these are just song suggestions, nothing too serious :)! Many songs can be interpreted as songs fit for Rose!

Song list below ✿

"Just a waste" by PinkPantheress — This song heavily revolves around negativity being so ingrained in her [Pinkpantheress] life to the point of swallowing in grief. While attempting to come in terms with it via coping—particularly by putting blame on herself—she wants to run away from it all. There are mentions of fear, running away from her problems along the knowledge that others are tired of her running away, and a mother being apart of her life. Although, the context of these mentions are more specific, and the song's meaning is particularly about a mother and daughter relationship (which by looking at context, it's complicated with a variation of negativity brewing), you can interpret a lot of the song as fitting for Rose.

Rose's life heavily revolves around negativity and grief, including the death game she's in now. Thus, she's developed major depression and ways to cope with her life. Although her depression could most definitely influence her sleeping habits, she uses it to her advantage by using it as a way to cope, as she is constantly overwhelmed by her strong memory. "Crying in the stall of a washroom floor" is definitely a lyric that reminds me of Rose so much, especially her behavior when the investigation happened during Chapter 2. "I never asked to be driven away in a foreign car (Ow)" can apply to her never really asking to be swept away by the organization and only doing it for financial support; she only felt as if it was a need.

Other than that, despite not knowing the details of how her and other cast got into the game, the lyric also describes not wanting to be in this game. Her mother (or well, mothers) has been in her life and are very important for her story, and although the song is lightly specific when it comes to the mother-daughter relationship, the mention of a mother just adds to how this song fits Rose.

"Misery Meat" by Sodikken — This song is just so specifically about an abuser "eating" the abused that i genuinely can't give as much extra notes about this suggestion as I did for the first. Of course, this song is very good for describing an organization feeding off of their workers. The organization preyed on Rose for gain; the more the organization pushes their "ownership" onto her, the more the thought of herself not be her is overbearing for her. She's being eaten away by the organization. The last line "Good thing I'm forgiving" can be interpreted as the victim mocking themselves "accepting" their abuse by being manipulated. They're attempting to accept that they're "for giving" themselves to the abuser. "Sacrifices must be made" is a lyric which can apply to Rose's believing it was a "need" to sacrifice herself due to her and her family struggling with being poor.

"Amygdala's Rag Doll" by GHOST (Vocaloid) — This song is about a rag doll's suffering. The mention of the singer (the doll) knowing the world's an "eye for eye" can describe Rose's awareness sacrificing her body for the organization is a "trade" for gaining financial support. The singer speaks about being a trouble maker, and feeling regret; as Rose deeply appreciates her mothers for supporting her even when they're struggling, and though the series never blatantly expresses this specific thought, it can be assumed that Rose feels as if her existence is "troubled" as her mothers needing to support their child can risk them being even more financially troubled than they were before. The puppetry aesthetic that defines this song matches Rose when it comes to being bound to the organization and the lack of control she feels (as has).

"NOTHING MAN" by Sodikken — A message about someone stating they're satisfied with being nothing, but feels guilty about it, yet refuses to change, is one which very loosely fits Rose. Although if you adjust the message—thus the lyrics' meaning and specifics—you can get a message of someone stating they've come to this false sense of accepting that their identity is stripped away from them to become a husk ("being nothing" now has a different meaning), but secretly feels guilty for not owning herself and has trouble changing this.

The last lines, "Somebody else's fractured dreams / Got up on their little feet / And came to talk to me / Too bad I wasn't listening / I was too busy falling asleep" are those that describe someone's dream (the organization) being projected onto Rose, attempting to mold her existences into being the organization's existence, but this message that Roses was meant to internalized (and has, to an extent) has not kept her from wishing she was free from chains. She doesn't put her full heart into the organization, so to an extent, she wasn't "listening." She rejects being an empty husk of a person, but only passively (unlike J, who she parallels a lot).

.

That's all, perhaps I'll add more songs. This ask is seriously pushing me to make a Rose playlist because ive definitely thought of making a character playlist for Rose or Teru lololol.. i will be sat for all your MVs!!!!!!

[cowboy-genius]

i’m just gonna write this here because the likelihood of anyone that i know reading it is very slim. well i guess the chances of anyone reading it are slim.

im so tired. im tired of feeling like this. i was tired of it as a child, a teenager and now as an adult. i dont know how to stop it. this feeling consumes me. this sadness that i feel like i was born with. a feeling so strong it completely debilitates me.

i don’t want to do anything. i can’t force myself to do anything when im feeling like this. i can barely manage waking up and getting out of bed. i feel like such a failure in every aspect of life. i don’t want to work, i haven’t returned to school. i’m in my 20s and it feels like everyone has at least accomplished something by now. not me though. i just wake up every day hoping it’ll be my last.

i don’t know how much more of this i can take. before, the idea of leaving my sister behind, my family, my friends, it was enough to pull me out of this slump. not anymore. it feels like no matter what im unable to feel anything. i don’t care about myself. the only feeling i have towards myself is hatred. i hate who i am. who i’ve become. who i was. my inability to do something meaningful with my life. my inability to form true connections and feel secure in friendships. my whole life it’s felt like there was something deeply wrong with me. i’ve felt like i was born with something rotten inside and it feels like the entire world can see that. the whole world can see that there’s something wrong with me but i can’t figure it out.

i’m so exhausted. i want to be better but im at a point where i feel like there’s nothing that can fix me. im just destined to be this for the rest of my life and i don’t want to stick around to see that. i wish i was anyone else. someone prettier, smarter, more capable. i hate that i feel like i’ve wasted my life and my potential. if i ever had any. i’m so tired. i wish it would just end.

[misshappilyfading]

a long, totally non-psychotic, mini(?) rant about the beatles that's too long and embarrassing for twt

okay so i've recently come out of a SECOND months-long stint of...kim heechul/suju stuff and it's left me kinda...lacking something to fixate on. so rn my temp fix is...the beatles?? and like i've liked their music since i was a little kid, but i haven't had an extended phase of listening to their music since like..10th grade? so this is kinda weird and embarrassing to me but whatever, here are some of my favorite songs by them and why in no particular order!

twist and shout - highlight here besides the gen early 60s feel and 100% john's vocals. there's something really refreshing(?) and youthful about the way he yells the entire song. and ofc the "woooo"s + head shakes are so cute

she loves you - yeah yeah yeah

paperback writer - idk it's a classic

day tripper - idk it's a classic + the fucking GUITAR RIFF

can't buy me love - idk it's a classic. earworm

a hard day's night - idk IT'S A CLASSIC

i feel fine - the pep. the harmonies. im in love with her and i feel fine

eight days a week - sweet song. makes you feel good

i'm a loser - that first harmony just snatches you in. idc. i get it i love it

help! - the 2nd song i consciously knew was by the beatles and i liked it loads more than "i wanna hold your haaaaaaand". i like the bridge the most

yellow submarine - it's in my range and probably by 2nd favorite ringo song? and it's silly

taxman - shit slaps. one of my fav harrison songs. "yeaaaaahhhh the taxmaaaan" is up there for me

here, there, and everywhere - i cried. hard. twice. i tear up thinking about this song. idk how you can go through life normally knowing paul mccartney wrote this about you

i'm only sleeping - hear this for the first time recently and it reminded me of sleeping sun by coldplay and some popular US songs from the 90s...

good day sunshine - lol another i heard in a CM at some point but did not know it was the beatles...it's happy i like it

and your bird can sing - but you don't get me. but you don't get. meeeeee. i can't believe john hate this?? it's so good??? the fucking guitars like???

hello, goodbye - first heard this in the 2007 target commercial. loved it ever since. i really like all of it but the "she says why and i say i don't know" and "why why whywhywhywhy do you say goodbye goodbyeeeeeebyebyebyebye" are stand out parts to me!

back in the ussr - fun : )

glass onion - that fucking recorder towards the end. amazing

blackbird - one of those songs you hear so randomly just..around that you forget/don't know it's the beatles

while my guitar gently weeps - liked this one as a kid when i was feeling emo lololol. good song though : )

[faves from rubber soul, sgt pepper's, and abbey road get their own section (bc these are the only albums i've listened to all the way through...)]

songs that i don't really like but are meaningful in some way

i want to hold your hand - probably the first beatles song i ever heard? or at least consciously knew was by the beatles. bc my kindergarten music teacher made us learn the lyrics and sing it in class

eleanor rigby - ik this is a popular song but the first time i heard it was when my 3rd grade teacher played it backwards to show us how the beatles were connected to the illuminati and devil worship so. i still feel uneasy whenever i hear it. can't sit through the whole song :(

do you want to know a secret - okay i actually don't dislike this song, it's just that i listened to it so much during like 8th/9th grade that im tired of hearing it. still a good song though

yesterday - again it's not that i hate it or anything but lol it's overplayed. meaningful bc it's one of those songs you know at least a few words to even if you haven't heard the whole thing (which i have. too many times.)

all you need is love - not bad but a commercial song in my mind

i am the walrus - scared me as a child but i don't hate it now. coo-coo-kachoo

strawberry fields forever - scared me as a child but i don't hate it now

happiness is a warm gun - super mixed feelings. is it about heroin? sex with yoko ono? are one of those options actually better than the other??? but i fuck with the ending "happinessssss bang bang shoog shoog"

get back/don't let me know/let it be - mixed feelings so i have to be in a specific mood to listen to these

rubber soul (favorites in bold)

drive my car - not my favorite but i loooove the "beep beep beep beep yeah"

norwegian wood - one of the one's i did not listen to as child but as of literally yesterday, i love it. wish it were not inspired by affairs but. like damn the sitar. the general vibes. isn't it good? norwegian wood

you won't see me - i like it. for years i had only heard the chorus so the actual song was a bit different than i'd expected but it's good. "you refuse to even listeeeeen" i like. also the gradual tempo shift!! oooooooo lalala

nowhere man - WOW. okay so when i was little and heard a snippet of the chorus, i had 0 interest in listening to the full song. yesterday, though, that fucking intro caught me so off guard. the slight beachy vibes. paul calling this an "anti-john song" like wow. it's just a 10/10 laaaaaaaalalalalala

think for yourself - rock band trailers fucked this up for me a bit bc i always expect it to lead into the wait chorus. the actual chorus fucks though. i like it

the word - she's silly. she's 60s. she's pop. not my favorite, but those harmonies on "so fine" and "sunshine". man

michelle - loved this since i was 10. it's calming, it fucks. i don't fuck with french but. "until i do im hoping you will know what i mean" and "I LOVE YOUUUUUU" and the guitar solo. the fucking tempo shift

what goes on - ...country. hear fairly often as a kid though but didn't know it was beatles

girl - another one i had no interest in (and was slightly scared of) as a kid based on the chorus but oof. love the comparison between this and michelle. we live for europeans being european in different flavors. also this songs feels like drugs. could be hallucinating but it feels like there's a sliiiight tempo shift here too? or at least it feels like it slows juuuust a bit

i'm looking through you - arguably my favorite beatles song as a child. had me in a chokehold in 2009. "why why tell me why did you not treat me right?" "your lips are moving i cannot heard your voice is soothing but the words aren't clear"

in my life - much much more appreciated now that im older. didn't listen to this much when i was little but i've always always loved the riff and ending. maybe one of my favorite song endings ever

wait - something is kinda catchy about it. idk

if i needed someone - 60s feel. the harmonies are so nice. this is like an honorable mention for me

run for your life - ah nothing like references to violence against women to bring out that 60s feeling : ) shame the chorus is so catchy

sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band

splhcb - yes. billyyyyyyyy shearsssssssssss

with a little help from my friends - YES. probably my favorite ringo song "do you neeeeeeeed anybody?"

lsd - not my favorite. drugs are bad. however i listened to this once when i was extremely drunk (i don't do any other drugs so) and i kinda got it? still not my favorite though

getting better - ah nothing like reference to violence against women to bring out that 60s feeling : ) paul is cute "me hiding me head in the sand" i really like this song but jesus john. i just it's better to admit and ask for forgiveness but. lord. but yeah this is a song that like...jabs you musically from the outset

fixing a hole - actually obsessed. this slaps, it fucks, it calms you down, hypes you up. im right where i belonggggg. that fucking guitar solo

she's leaving home - had only heard a bit of the chorus as a kid. was NOT expecting the entire song to sound how it does. cried on one listen. very beautiful

being for the benefit of mr. kite - the thing i like the most about this is the title

within you within out - ummm couldn't make it through the whole thing. christian upbringing means it gives me hives a little

when i'm sixty four - i liked it as a kid, i like it now. i will always be a supporter of paul's granny shit. it's cute. honorable mention for me

lovely rita - words cannot express how much i like this song. i liked it as a kid, i LOVE it now. the harmonies on "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDD aaaaaahhhhhhhh" also paul sound so british the entire time. "luvely rita mitah maid" "little white buke" "made her luke a little like a militry man" "may i inquire discRReetly when are you free to take some tea with MEEEE" it's a time. it's cute, a bit silly, and at the end you get sex! the bassline, the piano, the mouth chkchckchk, the fucking kazoo, i love it. Rita!

good morning good morning - another song i swear i've heard a bit of in a commercial or radio but i can't remember when/where. kinda makes me sad that john ended up not liking it, cause i like it. i get it. plus it sounds like morning.

splhcb reprise - i love it

a day in the life - scared me as a child but even then it kept it's alluring quality to me. not my absolute favorite, but i understand why some ppl regard it to be their best song

abbey road

come together - idk what to say. this is iconic music

something - heard for the first time yesterday and WOW. again idk what to say. shit is GOOD. song that makes you shut up

maxwell's silver hammer - ...i've loved this since 2009. and recording began on my birthday so it's always felt kinda special to me. ik she has haters but im glad paul made it. i live on corn. but also putting this right after something was a set up mayhaps

oh! darling - this FUCKS. don't think i have to say anything else. used to scare me a bit as a kid but i still listened

octopus's garden - def heard as a kid pre-2009 but idk where. not my fav but feels nostalgic

i want you (she's so heavy) - hm...i appreciate this as a piece of music although it's not my personal favorite. like i can its importance to the genre while still skipping. the outro is fucking insane though. and the scream

here comes the sun - do i even have to say anything? beyond "thank you parent trap soundtrack" probably the 3rd beatles song i'd ever heard

because - not a favorite but i like it

medley - you never give me your money will ALWAYS take me back to summer 2019 where i saw the opening lyrics as a metaphor for my own financial issues and depression. wild shit. sun king is like a peak 7pm summer song. love it. another song that makes you shut up. mean mr. mustard and polythene pam i've always loved since i was 10. they're fun to me. the bassline in mmm fucks hard. yeahhhh yeah yeah. in she came in through the bathroom window i like "sunday's on the phone to monday. tuesday's on the phone to me". golden slumbers i like less but i like the quiet parts and how it leads into carry that weight. one of the few times i want paul to not yell. carry that weight feels like the ending of a movie + the link back to yngmym. then you get to the end. which is just. wow. how many other groups can say they've ended their career on something like that? paul yelling, the solos, "love you love you"

and in the end, the love you take

is equal to the love you make.

(jk ik her majesty's a pretty nice girl. i also view this more as an easter egg but i do like it for a personal reason)

[flashlight-fleshlight]

really struggling with like,, the *purpose* of my life lately

i spent my whole life wanting to off myself but i said i would wait until i was an adult (because then it would be all better)

but now i’ve reached adulthood and i hate it

so much

i have no meaningful connections. i work every day from 8-5 and then i come home and cry and get violently high because i literally don’t find joy in anything

honestly i think my life is pathetic

i come home and i binge eat because i tried to st4rve myself for the thousandth time (a battle i’ve literally never won for myself)

so i guess i’m not even good at having an eating disorder

i know i’m exactly like the girls he calls crazy bitches

and i was used to him threatening to leave when i was sad for a long time but i mean jesus i never expected him to actually do it

i thought we were stuck to each other. i thought he was the one thing i had left in life that i could really hold on to.

i don’t want to live alone in a shitty fucking one bedroom and never speak to anyone but my coworkers

god i’m so fucking tired of being lonely and i told him i wished he would pay more attention to me or say he loves me more because i was really struggling with feelings of worthlessness

and his fucking response was to tell me he’s not sexually attracted to me and would rather we be platonic soulmates

there is something so ultimately humiliating about those kind of statements

every time someone i love has to friend zone me instead of earnestly breaking things off because they’re afraid im gonna off myself

really all of it makes me want to end it all more

i cannot even fathom what my purpose on this earth is anymore

knowing that the people who want to love me just can’t hold space for me

that no matter what everyone tries to tell me i really am just too much

all i ever wanted was for somebody to feel lucky to love me

to really relish in it and thank god that they met me

and never have to worry about avoiding my calls because they don’t want to hear me cry

i don’t even know what the point of writing all of this out is

i guess there’s nobody else i can tell. my therapist will find out eventually. ideally after i already have a time and place.

i don’t think it’s an if question anymore. i think it’s a when.

[garpond]

shit im not proud of under the cut

i think im just in the "trying to figure out WHY this is happening to me" stage of coming to terms w being trans but i just genuinely wish i could figure out like. aside from the shitty treatment we get from society, that obvs makes sense, Why is gender dysphoria so upsetting? What makes it that way? Why do I genuinely want to blow my brains out right here and now over this? What are the stakes? it feels so abstract and weird to me right now, please don't take offense to this im not integrating this into my worldview or trying to claim that i view it as an inherently weird thing or a non-issue... I just feel so much frustration with myself and I'm really not thinking clearly and I think I have a lot of internalized transphobia to work through but. I just can't comprehend why I'm so upset. Why it matters so much. I don't feel this same kind of distress when I think about the other things I don't think I'll ever have in life even though they feel like in a practical sense they should be more important... why do I feel like I'd be 100% okay with never being able to live my own life away from my abusive family or have friends or fall in love or ever make a meaningful connection irl with another human being again, if only I could be a man during it? Why is THAT the most viscerally distressing of it all? I look at myself and as soon as i Notice that I'll never be what I want to be I just want to enact so much sickening violence on me that it makes me ill to think about. What the fuck causes that? I know I'm not supposed to feel like there's something wrong with me but there are times when i really really think somethings wrong with me. or at least i understand why a majority of society would view me as psychosexually disturbed because of this or think my trauma cased this by fucking my brain up. like i just cant find an explanation, can't grasp why my self image and perception of who I am is so important to me when I should be worrying about freedom and safety instead. i just dont get it and im tired. theres nothing i can fucking do about it or any of it. i want to go back to not thinking about it but i cant

[iamineskew]

do you ever listen to a song. and suddenly everything is just okay again. there is stress, and there are deadlines, and everything is so painfully temporary. but it's okay, its okay right now. its fine. it's all so fine, right now. im happy, and i might be shaking and i might be anxious i might be avoidant but it's okay. i am full and shaking and utterly filled to the metaphorical brim with thoughts and feelings but it's okay, it's all swept painlessly to the side. there is the sound, gentle and loud and all-consuming and soft, of the piano. maybe it's not happiness, but it's content. its contentment, perhaps. its okay. it'll be okay, its okay right now, it is so very alright. not good, good is strong and stretches the dainty string of my emotions too far. i do not want to snap it, to break this moment with something so meaningful and little as a word.

My brain feels like space, it is large and vast and empty. but each little space is filled with so many little things like pressure and temperature and light and absence and memory, for everything that might have drifted into and out of that little pocket of nothing. that complicated, little drop of ink in the sea of tar. so meaningful and endless, and loving, permanent. there, now and forever, remembering each comet and dust and everything else that passed it. memories stuck like drops of crystal, leaving nothing but whispers behind. and there will be more to come, more to spill past that small splotch and all the billions and trillions of splotches around it. all of them, in your head. in my head. in everyone's head, galaxies by the billions. all present, moving at their own paces. never repeating. similar and identical comets passing by the same puddles, all in different centuries. How unique, and connected, and perfect and timeless.

I feel loving for everything that connects me and everyone and everything and, somehow all the same separates me as my own. as loving of everything, connected to it, and isolated by it. Alienated by the stars in my brain, countless and limited and in their own colours. I could travel them for months, years, decades- but life chases me. it is on my tail, it is looking and scouring through my worlds and finding me, dragging me right back to responsibility and life. It is scary, and inevitable, but for now, i am alone. I am safe, and it is okay, and the clouds of a distant gas giant paint lovely pictures against its warm blue skin. I feel myself, warm and tired, against a star that is so infinitely bigger than me. I am small, i am filled with limitless space, and one day, i can imagine myself becoming apart of the lightless space of the real world that now drowns me. But the world is out there, and i am in here, and nothing chases me for now. There is music in my ears, and light reaching my eyes, and feeling at my fingertips.

I am in recovery, and I have made progress. I am alright and okay, because I went outside today and ate food, a second meal of the day. Seconds that would usually be fanned over a few days, now within the reach of my fingertips. The supplements of vitamins and minerals I have so sorely lacked are resting on my shelf, and I am almost halfway healthy. I am not tired, I cannot quite walk, but I am better. I can certainly stand, and limp, and stumble. It is progress, and it is good, and i am happy.

The world, lipless and senseless, smiles at me, and i find happiness reflecting off my eyes. I am not ready to smile, yet, but there is something in my eyes, and i am grateful for it.

[keefwho]

November 23 - 2022

8:16 AM

Today I thought keeping a schedule with actual times might help me out. I tend to switch back and forth between rigid hours and a simple checklist for the day. Usually I find that I’ll slowly become less compatible with whatever system I am using until I realize that and switch to another one. Now I’m realizing that a checklist with no time might not be working so well anymore so I gotta switch back to hours. 

4:39 PM

I decided to pressure myself all I want and not worry about exhaustion until 6pm, then I’ll consider myself responsibility free. Its worth a try. I imagine the ideal cycle would be diligent work in the morning where I let myself become fatigued in exchange for a truly free night. 

8:10 PM

I think like so many people reaching adulthood, I lost touch of the things that truly make me happy. As a kid you kind of just do them, but then you get older and try to do the “right” thing instead. I’m definitely a victim of molding to what others expect me to be. I think over time it’s evolved to be one of my biggest issues that thankfully I’ve been tackling lately by focusing on myself more, especially on weekends. I realize every time I judge myself for not being productive enough, it’s the voice of other people and what THEY expect from me. If I was the last person on earth then I wouldn’t feel the need to do a lot of what I do. During free time like I have right now, I try to listen to my heart more and what it’s telling me. I try not to judge what I ACTUALLY want to do which is usually getting immersed into a chill game and thinking for awhile. Or doing it in a call with a friend. 

It feels liberating to learn that true value comes from inside me. It feels very human. Because the more I can learn to be myself, the better I’ll connect with the people around me that are also themselves. Its very wholesome. 

8:40 PM

Right now I feel kind of enlightened and I’m operating very well. The challenge is learning how to spot when I’m having a tough time and why so I can remind myself of some of the core values I always lose touch with over time. Usually I get in a kind of low place and it takes time to remember why I shouldn’t be so down. Most if not all of my low moods have a direct counter if I can just apply them. 

Im starting to think the counter for being so stressed out about having to be productive is some proper rest and self care. So thats what Im focusing on tonight. I want art to be fun or at least enlightening again, even commissions. I’m tired of it feeling like a job I have disdain for. It used to be more meaningful. 

11:26 PM

Sometimes I get down on myself for not “experiencing” much. Like, I can’t say I saw the grand canyon or went horseback riding or anything like that. But that might be those external pressures talking. The reality is I don’t want to do things like that. I’m happy living my life a little calmer than that. And I do not regret all the people I’ve met and relationships I’ve formed even if it’s only online. I’ve had countless amazing nights with friends and while I may not remember many specific instances, I do remember how fun it was. I might even look back on VRchat screenshots in 20 years and reminisce. 

[tedbecca]

i think my professional practice class might truly break me. it’s not like completely horrible by any means. but we are supposed to be learning about the ethics and legality of it all (the teaching profession). which like cool, okay, that’s useful. i would like to have that information. except my first assignment was: write a 5 page in depth paper about your origins/culture. and i’m about to start the second assignment which is: pick a living thing to become and write a 7 page paper on how this living thing is a metaphor for your teaching

[sxfik]

let's talk about confession scenes

i've seen a lot of people, both on tumblr and twitter say that we won't get a confession scene. but in reality, i believe this whole episode today WAS a confession scene. it was them confessing to each other in every way they can.

these past 19 episodes have made it so clear that both cha-young and vincenzo's love language is acts of service, not words of affirmation. that's why we very rarely see them explicitly say "good job" or even regular compliments you would give to a partner or a friend. instead, it's expressed in small touches, grand gestures and gifts for vincenzo and cha-young's energy and attitude that shows how much they care about each other. but in episode 19, we saw them repeatedly gravitate towards each other, a lot more than in previous episodes.

at the beginning of the show, when they are on the rooftop, we see them discussing love and family. vincenzo says to her that "he fell in love with this place" and "he prefers love with no reason" and cha-young replies saying that "he's trying to make it sound romantic when they both know it isn't." now, the scene from ep 19 is an absolute parallel to this one. visually, both are wearing blue, looking out over the plaza, after saving the plaza and it's residents once more.

she asks him whether he came back for her and he never denies it, and they talk a little about how he paid them off so they don't attack his italian family (similar to how in the earlier scene, cha-young talks about how he paid for the party and protected the plaza in korea). but when cha-young talks about how grateful she is that he's back in one piece, the scene completely shifts (as they shift towards each other) and they're flirting. she refers back to the party and says "he looked cool, just like in that suit that only i had heard about that day" and he pauses as he says "i'm glad i met..." and there's a brief moment where you can tell cha-young expects a "you" at the end of the sentence but he opts to imply it instead. here they're taking something that isn't romantic from a glance and making it sound romantic because it's meaningful to each other. both of them are expressing their gratitude to each other.

(side note: just rewatching that scene while writing this makes me remember just how much tension they had between each other, especially the way he looked at her when she recognized boolaro, he might have married her on the spot)

as the episode continues, we see them interact with ease and playfulness, and the joy of not having to be parted from each other (cha-young teasing vincenzo and not intervening when mr. nam hugs him). he's looking through paperwork when he notices cha-young working and observes that she's tired from a distance, then offering her a kopiko. we see both of them leaning over the residents as they through paper in celebration of the win, standing much closer and sharing very meaningful looks as they fist bump. we also get a scene where they're drinking a coffee by water and similar to how in the earlier episodes cha-young would ask about the mafia with curiosity, vincenzo mirrors that while asking her about korea.

one of my favorite scenes, was by that water, where she confesses how even when he leaves "vincenzo cassano will be more than just a memory" which is a confession in her own way. she's confessing to him about how much of an impact he's had on her life, her mind and ultimately in her heart. and he replies to her that he doesn't make promises to just anyone but for her, he promises that he'll come back. i interpreted it as him replying that he'll always come back for her and that he won't have to be a memory for her. and she taps his coffee cup and he taps back, almost like she's asking for a pinky promise that he'll be back. we also can note that his gaze lingers on her a little longer and we can see him swallow his words one more, ones that might have been more explicitly confessing.

not to mention the date the coffee shop scene where he double checks with her if she's okay joining her in the journey punishing han seok. it shows that he's taken the care to notice how much it affected her when they killed their "hunting dogs" and he's giving her a way out, and wanting to protect her (yes im excluding the "virtue" bit bc i think thats bs). time and time again, we're seeing them care for each other and push each other outside comfort zones while ensuring that they're still alright with pushing.

and of course, the jealous!husband scene we got. does this even need any elaboration? to me, it felt like 2 people dancing around each other when both of them know the other likes them. almost like a talking stage or a stage where both know the other person's feelings but neither of them have made a move.

and finally, we get han seok (that crazy bitch) kidnapping. the panic and shock as Vincenzo sees the earrings and connects them to cha-young and the frantic way he races to her, without even knowing where exactly he's headed. and we have cha-young who says "don't use me to hurt him, just kill me instead." cha-young cares more about vincenzo's emotions, and is willing to die rather than see han seok use her to hurt him. the relief in vincenzo's eyes and the breath he leaves when he's reassured that cha-young is alive. he rushes towards her when he sees her, and swallows when he realizes she's all tied up and kneeling. and there's a moment of silent communication between them where she nods her head no. with vincenzo, it takes all the rage within him not to check on cha-young when she's slapped. i had mentioned this before but the moment he kneels and allows himself to be killed with little hesitation, says how much he cares for cha-young. how much he loves cha-young. the way he races immediately towards cha-young the moment he gets the chance and frees her.

and of course, the moment she gets shot, you'll notice the moment is completely quiet, just the gunshot, because to vincenzo that's all he's processed. it takes him touching her wound and having her collapse into his arms for him to process the pain and shock and anger of seeing her hurt. the way his eyes show so much pain as he watches cha-young and the way he hold her as she sags against him. everything about the way he looks, the guttural, shocked sound he lets out, to the way he holds her screams out how much he loves her.

the finger-flick scenes were when they seeing each other in a clearer light, the kiss scenes solidifying that there is something more there and the departure scene showing that they're tied to each other. and now the kneeling is solidifying that they love each other. they are willing to die for each other and kneel even against someone that took their blood family away from them to save the other. time and time again in this episode they're confessing and showing just how much they care and love each other.

(disclaimer: some of these might be a stretch but you know! it's my last day to clown guys)