#im not even watching the ep myself my friend who's live reacting is the one who told me😂😭

[greghatecrimes]

NOT ME ONLY JUST NOW REALIZING JIMMY QUIDD IS PLAYED BY JEREMY RENNER...

[crybabybomin]

My brothers friend - Hamada Asahi

Pairing: reader x Asahi / reader x Brother!yedam

Warnings: None 

Word count: 2.229

Masterlist

okay so im writing this on the 20th of july and 28 minutes ago the debut teaser was officially released so im a mess rn. Im so happy to see them finally debuting. I’ve been following them all since the first ep of ygtb. 

——

You're Bang Yedam’s older sister, Bang Y/N. You love singing too but art is your passion. Your brother is very supportive of your work. So are you for him. You two are very close in age. You are only 11 months older than him. So sometimes it feels like he’s your twin.

You’ve seen him perform multiple times. You were interviewed for the YGTB finale. You love seeing him perform, because he looks so happy on stage. You also met some of his members. You met Jungkyu and Jeongwoo when they were preparing for their Last Dance stage. But other than that you haven’t actually talked to the other trainees.

But today you are meeting your brother in his dorm. Your mom also gave some presents to give to all the boys. So here you are standing in front of his dorm with a huge bag full of presents. You already texted Yedam you were almost there so when you knocked on the door he immediately opened the door.

“Y/N!!!” He said happily and took you inside. You walked into the living room and a lot of boys sat there watching tv. They all looked at you and then yedam said “Guys this is my sister Y/N.” They all said hi and then you remembered the presents “Okay so mom packed some presents for you so I needed to give these to you.” They all stood up and you gave them their present.

“hey Asahi and Mashiho are still in their room. Someone tell them to come.” Yedam says. Then Jungkyu calls one of them. After a couple of minutes two boys come in. They are kind of shocked to see you. Well one doesn’t really react but stops walking in and the other just looks confused.

You smile at them and hand them their present. “Hi I’m Y/N also known as Yedam’s sister.” They introduce themselves and you think Asahi is kind of cute, but you push it to the back of your mind. Then you all started watching tv and you sat in front of the couch against yedam’s legs.

Then you started getting hungry. You stood up and said “Should we order food because im starving.” They all nodded and you said “I’m paying so choose whatever you like.” All of them were impressed. “what do you do for work Y/N.” Jaehyuk asked you. “I sell art and design stuff for people.” They all wanted to see what you make so you showed them some pictures. Then they decide on what to eat so you order for delivery.

You all started talking after so you could get to know them. You liked all of them but you actually really got stuff in common with Asahi. He likes art too and is more quiet than others but hes actually really nice. You feel a spark in your chest and you keep staring at his face.

The doorbell rings and you and Asahi both stand up. You look at each other and decide both to go to the door. It was actually really handy since there was quite a lot of food for all of you. You walk back into the living room and sat down to eat. You weren’t that hungry but it seemed like the others were. You laughed at them. “Y’all need to see yourself eat, you eat like beasts.”you said and they smiled at you but continued to eat. You laughed again. When its all done you offer to clean and they played a game to decide who needs to help you. Funny enough its Yedam.

When you are cleaning you talk a bit. “I do have to leave in 30 minutes Yedam, I have something I have to do in Seoul but it’s still a secret so I can’t tell you what.” And he looks at you suspiciously but lets it go. “I wish you could’ve stayed longer. We don’t see and talk to each other a lot.” He says “hey I call you all the time, you just don’t pick up the phone.” And you nudge him in his side.  “yeah im sorry about that.” You tell him its okay and after you are done you grab your stuff and put on your jacket.

“hey guys it was nice to meet you all and maybe I will see you all soon again.” You say to them. “you're leaving already?” Asahi asks you. “yeah I have some stuff I need to do in the city so I need to be on time.” You answer him and wave them all goodbye. You give yedam a hug and you leave.

The thing you have to do is actually signing up for the scholarship you got. Its an art school and after that you are meeting your 3 new roommates and they are going to tell you when you can move in. This is the secret you have for Yedam because you are gonna live way closer too him, because your dorm is in the same building as his.

Your roommates told you that you could move in next week and so that’s why after the meeting you went straight home and started to pack everything. You had quite a lot of stuff but the room you were moving into was also kind of big.

———

Today was your moving in day. You have talked to your roommates a lot the past week and you 4 went a long really well. They also don’t like kpop so they don’t know your brother which is for the better. You did tell them about your tiny crush on Asahi so they wanted to know who he was. After you are done moving in you decided to go to your brothers dorm. You texted him and he told you he was training but you could go anyways since some of the members were there but he didn’t know who in particular. So you rang their doorbell and Yoshi opened the door.

“hey y/n, how are you? Btw yedam isn’t home.” He says “oh I know but he said I could come over anyways.” “Yeah of course come in. Only Hyunsuk, Asahi, Jeongwoo and me are home, but hyunsuk, Jeongwoo and me are about to leave for food. Wanna come?” He asks you and you think about it but you aren’t really hungry so you decline. “That’s okay, im going to tell Asahi you are here or you could say hi yourself.” He says “i’ll do it myself. Have fun together. See you all later.” They leave together and you knock on Asahi’s door.

“Come in.” You hear him say and you walk in. “hey its me. What are you doing.” You saw him hunched over a drawing. “just drawing something but it’s not good.” He says and you look at him “its okay we all started somewhere, and my drawing are definitely not always great.” He shows you his drawing and he says “i can’t seem to get the proportions right and I don’t know how to change them.” You kneel down besides him and take his pencil in your hand. “is it okay if I make some changes.” You ask him and he nods. “You just need to make the shoulders a little bit smaller and the chest a little longer. Like this.” And you show him. He looks very shocked by what you just did and you laugh at him.

You help him a little with the colouring but after that you just sit down on the chair beside his desk and look at him draw. Hes really handsome and he looks so cute, concentrating on his drawing. You only realize that you are staring when he looks at you. You immediately look down to his drawing and he smiles at you but you didn’t see that.

He gives you a paper and says “you look kind of bored so here, draw something yourself.” You smile at him because you love drawing and you decide to draw him. You sketch really fast and after a 30 minutes it already kind of looks like him. You two are drawing in silence for a long time and after an hour you are done with your drawing. “hey Asahi I drew you, look.” He looks at the drawing and blushes “why did you drew me?” He says and you kind of got embarrassed by his question “i don’t know really, you just looked really peaceful when you were drawing.” “well thanks anyway, it looks very pretty.”

“hey wanna know something cool?” You say and he nods. “I actually moved into an apartment in this building today.” And he looks at you “wait really.” And you nod. “You wanna see it?” You ask him and he says “yeah not like we have anything better to do.” You laugh and grab his hand. And run to your dorm. Its only two floors down so you just run on your socks. You grab your keys and open the door. Your roommates are in the living room and the look at you and Asahi. And then they look at your hands, so then you realize you are still holding his hand. You try to remove your hand but he doesn’t release his hand.

“so y/n is this the boy you’ve been talking about, Asahi right?” He releases your hand and looks at you. But he nods at your friends. You glare at your friend and they laugh at you. You decide to show Asahi around and show him your room. You had a mural behind your bed and a lot of art everywhere. “damn this looks so cool.” He says “thanks I tried really hard on it.” After you show your room you decide to go back to their dorm and when you arrive Yedam is back.

“hey y/n, where were you? Wait you were with Asahi …. Outside …….. on your socks?” You and Asahi both laugh and then you remember he doesn’t know about your new house. “Omg yedam I can finally tell the secret I was talking about. I actually moved into this building.” “wait really omg that’s so cool now we can see each other more often.” He says and he hugs you. Then he looks between you and Asahi and moves his eyebrows. You blush but Asahi motions a silence sign at him.

You spend the evening at the dorm and then decide to go back to your apartment. You were actually put into a groups chat with yedam and all of his members. Which is really funny since they roast each other all the time and send ugly pictures. You decide to put your phone away but then you get a text in the group chat.

Mashiho: come get Asahi he keeps talking y/n about you and its getting annoying

Asahi: Are you this stupid jeez?

Y/n: Wait what…

Mashiho: oh shit I really am stupid huh

Then you receive a face time call from Asahi. “hey y/n I have to say something abut I can’t come to your dorm right now.” “its okay but what do you wanna say.” You kinda have an idea but you also think he just wants to say that he sees you only as a friend. “wait I actually wanted to ask if you wanted to come to the rooftop like right now” “uh yeah sure” you were actually just wearing a shirt and some joggers. You put on some shoes and walk to the rooftop. He was already waiting for you. So you stood beside him.

“hey what did you wanted to say.” You ask him and he looks nervously at you. “So okay I just wanted to say that I like you, like I like like you, as in more than friends. Like a boyfriend and girlfriend way. And I know that we don’t know each other for that long but the moment I met you, you brightened up my world. And I might I have ruined our friend ship with this but I just wanted to say this and we could just stay friends if you want.” You were surprised because he never said so much at one time. He just sighs and then you realize you havent said anything. “wait Asahi I like you too I was just surprised by your sudden confession. I’ve liked you since the first time we talked.”

He looks at you and then he smiles. “Wait for real?” He asks and you nod. “so you wanna be my girlfriend…..?” And you nod again. Then he hugs you. When he lets go of you you shiver. He takes off his hoodie and gives it to you. “Here, you can always think about me when you are wearing it.” He says and you look at him “as if I don’t think about you enough.” And he laughs and hugs you. “now that I don’t have a hoodie on you need to keep me warm with your hugs” He says and you smile. “well I hope I can keep that promise, cutie.” You say and he buries his head in the crook of you neck and the night end with you two watching the stars.

[jimimn]

HI ITS ME WHO'S NOT OVER JJK BLONDE SELFIE AND WILL NEVER BE -💫

HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO <33333333

HONESTLY ITS THE WAY YOH SAY SUCH NICE THINGS AND I DISAPPEAR FOR DAYS ON END BECAUSE INCONSISTENCY BLEEDS INTO EVERY CORNER OF MY LIFE FNEKALKD BUT I'M GETTING DONE WITH MY FIRST LEG OF EXAMS ON MONDAY SO YAY TO THAT!! OKAY I THINK WE'LL MOVE SLOWLY WITH BABY STEPS JUNGKOOK DROPPED SOME SELCAS JIMIN DROPPED SOME SELCAS IN THE WORDS OF THE LEGENDARY JEON JUNGKOOK ALL WE NEED NOW IS "together..BAM!" (THAT'S LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS EVER THE WAY HE SAYS IT 🤧)

YES IN THIS HOUSE WE SCREAM OVER JIMIN'S DISRESPECT HE IS THE PARAGON OF A MULTI-FACETED MAN THAT HAS US WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER. THE AUDACITY 😤

CHANEL X JIMIN LETS MAKE IT HAPPEN AND OMG THAT SELFIE THAT DROPPED?? SIR???? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?? I MEAN YES BH SAID LET'S DROP SELFIES IN BULK BUT THAT ONE PICTURE OF HIM IN BLACK(GREY? I DONT KNOW FHSKKAJF) WITH THE SHIRTS UNBUTTONED!!! THEM COLLARBONES ARE FREE AND THEY'RE THRIVING IN THE OPEN IN THAT ONE. ALSO HIS LIPS ARE SO PRETTY. OH GOD LITERALLY HE HAS THAT COCKY SMIRK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE KNOWS HE DOES HOT BOY SHIT LIKE SHUT UP OK YOU CANT DO THAT JAIL FOR U NDNSLSKAJJW

SUCH A FUCKING TEASE THATS RIGHT!! EVEN STRAIGHT MEN?? BRO LIKE HOW DO YOU HAVE ALL GENDERS JUST TRIPPING OVER THEMSELVES FOR YOU IT'S INSANE AND OMG MISS SHIVI HAVE YOU SEEN THAT ONE CLIP IN WHICH JIMIN HOLDS HIS GAZE WITH THESE MEN WHO LOOK AT HIM (i think it was bon voyage?) and when they cross each other he JUST SMIRKS AND RUNS HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR LIKE YEAH OK ALEXA PLAY I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT. AND YES I'LL LISTEN TO EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY ANYTIME 💗💗

12PM KST IS THE HOLY HOUR I TELL YOU ALTHOUGH I REMEMBER WAITING THE NIGHT BEFORE BE CAME OUT WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO COME AND BH WAS JUST LIKE "yea...no" OMG THAT'S AWESOME YOUR COUSIN'S VISITING YOU

HHFJDOSO YEAH IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THEY DID THE JUMP ALTHOUGHHHH I'M POSITIVE THEY'LL DO SMTH COOL LIKE THAT IN THEIR CONCERTS BECAUSE THEIR PERFORMANCE QUALITY IS JUST.. THROUGH THE ROOF IT'S CRAZY!! WHEN THE PERFORM WINGS?? LIKE HOLY SHIT NO CHOREO NO POSITIONS JUST BTS RUNNING AROUND THE STAGE MAKING THE CROWD GO FERAL I LOVE EVERY WINGS PERFORMANCE SO MUCH MY SEROTONIN LEVELS ARE ALWAYS AT A HIGH THEN. OOHH MY GODDD BS&T IS REALLY THAT BITCH!!!! WHO'S DOING IT LIKE HER TODAY NO ONE IS EXACTLY. AND NOOOO I TOTALLY GET IT WE THINK ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH THAT ACCIDENT HAS THE SAME EFFECT ON ME. IF ONLY YOU'D TOLD ME THEN IN 2016 THAT THAT ACCIDENT WAS THE START OF SO MANY I'D BE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWED (see: him basically stripping himself that one serendipity performance. holy shit.)

FOR REAL THO CHRISTMAS LOVE DROPPED OUT OF NOWHERE AND DO YOU REMEMBER JIMIN SAYINF uUH iM nOt wORkInG oN a SoLo SoNg aT ThE mOmEnT heHe LIKE ALL MEN DO IS LIE OK AT THIS POINT. BYE. YES TAEHYUNG DID WARN US BUT ARMYS (LIKE MYSELF) PUT THEIR CLOWN WIGS ON AND THOUGHT IT WAS KTH1 LMAO. OMG I HOPE YOU DON'T SLEEP THROUGH ANY OF THEIR UPCOMING SONG RELEASES BUT I'M SURE IT'S THE BEST FEELING TO WAKE UP TO CHECK YOUR NOTIFS AND SEE "Big Hit Labels" BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE FIREEE. DUDE SERIOUSLY I NEED JIMIN TO GO LIVE AGAIN (although we've been well fed by namjoon for now🤧😌💗) LIKE THAT ONE YT LIVE WHERE HE SAID "O...M...G" SHUT UP STOP BEING SO CUTE I'M DHJSWLIFJWKALS

LMAO OKAY YEAH THAT'S VALID YOUR BLOG THEME IS BASICALLY ✨jimin✨ AND I LOVE THAT IT REALLY GRAVITATED ME AND YOUR URL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD YOUR BRAINNN 💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️

YES YES YES JIMIN IS SO PERFECT AND THE SOCK DOODLESSS 😭😭😭 oooo so when did you get into giffing? how did you start? BROOOOO YOUR URL'S ORIGIN STORY. I LOVE IT WOW YES IT'S DEFINITELY GOT THE REQUIRED ✨pazzaz✨

NOOO OMG THIS URL IS YOUR BRAND LIKE YOU'RE A LEGEND ON ARMYBLR I LOVE IT SO MUCH. BUT STILL!! IT'S YOUR CHOICE AT THE END 💖

OMG QUARANTINE DID IT'S ONE GOOD JOB AND GOT YOU INTO BANGTAN YAY. OMG YOU AND MISS LIFEGOESMON ARE FRIENDSS??? LEGENDS INTERACTING THIS IS SO COOL. LMAO THE PARADIGM SHIFT YOU MUST'VE FELT FROM LISTENING TO STAY GOLD (WHICH BTW THE MV...THE LITERAL CUTEST OH GOD THE LITTLE DOG AND JIMIN'S LITTLE SMILES DHSJAOWO) TO THEN GOING TO BST IN WHICH JIMIN IS BASICALLY STRIPPING AND JUNGKOOK IS UPSIDE DOWN LMAOOO. YES BS&T HAS EVERYONE HOOKED THE POWERRRR. YOU FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE WITH YOUR FRIEND'S ASSISTANCE OH GOD THIS IS SO CUTE 💓 EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM 🥺🥺🥺

AAAAH OKAY MY STORY ISN'T AS INTERESTING AS YOURS IS BUT IN 2016 BASICALLY ALL I KNEW OF KPOP WAS GANGNAM STYLE AND WASNT WILLING TO CUANGE THAT PERCEPTION (FOOL BEHAVIOUR I TELL YOU) AND WAS TOO BUSY OBSESSING OVER ONE DIRECTION'S REUNION AND SO ONE NIGHT (THE NIGHT BEFORE JIMIN'S BIRTHDAY 🤧🤧) I JUST STUMBLED UPON THEIR BS&T TEARS MV AND I HEARD IT AND I WAS LIKE OMG!! THIS IS THAT SUPER ADDICTIVE SONG THAT I'D HEARD SOMEWHERE AND IT JUST SPIRALLED FROM THERE I REMEMBER SEEING JIMIN AND BEING LIKE 👀👀👀👀 WHO IS HE I LIKE HIM AND JUST HIS AURA DREW ME IN SOOO MUCH AND WHEN I WAS GETTING INTO THEM I REMEMBER WRITING THEIR NAMES IN MY NOTES TO SEE IF I COULD REMEMBER 🤧 AND I STILL HAVE THAT NOTE FROM 4+ YEARS AGO 💓 AND YEAH BASICALLY SEEING THEM DO ALL THE MUSIC SHOWS AND STUFF AT THE TIME WAS SO COOOL AND MIND YOU BH DIDN'T HAVE SUBS FOR BANGTAN BOMBS THEN SO WENT ON THESE SKETCHY DAILYMOTION TYPE SITES LOOKING FOR ALL THE CONTENT I COULD CHURN OUT LMAO

AND YES!! COURTESY OF YOU I DID WATCH SOME RUN EPS!! I WATCHED THEIR CANADA ONES SPEAKING OF WHICH I LOOOVE THAT PART WHERE THEY'RE DOING THAT SONG GUESSING THING IN THE MORNING AND JIMIN SAYS "are you cold?" 🥺🥺 TO TAE AND HUGS HIM URRHRHEHSJSJSH AND I ALSO SAW THE ONES WITH THE PUPPIES GODDDDD I LOVE THE PUPPIES ONE SO MUCH LITERALLY JUNGKOOK AND HIS DOG (MIRI?) OH MY GOD THAT LIL FLUFFER AND ADAM IS MY ICON WITH HOW HE JUST DID HIS OWN THING LMAO.

BUT ANYWAY!! DO YOU HAVE A FAVE ERA?? LIKE DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THEM AND GO "Damn I wish I was a fan then" BECAUSE HONESTLY I WISH I HAD STANNED THEM IN THEIR DOPE ERA BUT I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE SURVIVED JIMIN THEN DHKSOWID-💫

FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME!!!!!!! ITS OKAY!!!!!!!! I TOTALLY TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!!!! AND YAYYYYY CONGRATS I HOPE THE FIRST LEG OF EXAMS WENT WELL <333333 AND OH MY GOD you’re gonna make me cry with the together baam goddddddd same one of my fave moments and jimin’s giggles after that 😭😭😭😭 my babies <3 :((((

that..... black suit selca....... that opened button...... like open one more dear sir who’s stopping you... just do it <33333 YEAH he totally needs to shut up with his i know im hot side it just kills me every single time 😭😭😭😭😭

LISTEN THAT BV3 MOMENT  S H O O K  ME OKAY????? THOSE GUYS LOOKED AT HIM AND HE WAS SO FUCKING SMUG ABOUT IT (AND HE SHOULD BE) AND THE WAY HE LICKED HIS LIPS AND RAN HIS HANDS THROUGH HIS HAIR????? LIKE HE KNOWS HE HAS EVERY SINGLE PERSON; NO MATTER WHAT GENDER; WRAPPED AROUND HIS LIL PINKY LIKE THAT???????

OH MY GOD ME TOO I LOVEEEEEEEEEEE THE WINGS STAGE AND WATCHING THEM HAVE SO MUCH FUN IS JUST SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I ALSO ABSOLUTELY LOVVVEEE THEIR ENERGY DURING THE SY TOUR MEDLEY WITH IDOL AND BAEPSAE AND FIRE AND DOPE ZSXDFGFCHGVJBHJN THEY JUST LOSE THEMSELVES IN THE CROWD AND THE MUSIC AND ITS JUST SO FUCKING SURREAL TO WATCH HOW MUCH THEY ENJOY DOING WHAT THEY DO!!!!! kinda makes me want to find that happiness and passion in whatever i do in my professional life <3 and LISTEN jimin said the break the soul commentary THAT HE COULD DO SERENDIPITY SHIRTLESS TOO. THE AUDACITY. HE SAID THAT WITH HIS WHOLE CHEST. 

YOU KNWO WHAT I THINK JIMIN WON’T GIVE US A HINT BEFORE DROPPING PJM1. HE’LL JUST DROP IT ONE FINE DAY OUT OF NOWHERE LIKE HE DROPPED PROMISE AND CHRISTMAS LOVE (i wasn’t here when he dropped promise but i read that on twitter sdfghjkl) AND NO PLS NO I DO N O T WANT TO SLEEP THROUGH JJK1 OR KTH1 OR PJM1 OR KSJ1 OR NAMGI MIXTAPE 3 OR HOBI MIXTAPE 2 OR ANYTHING BASICALLY YOU GET IT i had slept through dynamite cb because i had NO CLUE that they were gonna drop it at 1pm kst rather than 12 am kst. i was under the impression that since they dropped all the teaser pictures and the teaser itself as 12 am kst, the mv will drop at 12 am kst too. and I woke up like two hours after the mv dropped (which was almost noon my time) and i felt like A FUCKING FOOL AND I JUST 😭😭😭😭 NEVER WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN 😭😭😭 

AND YES BABIE NEEDS TO COME LIVE SOON PLS I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH :((((( AND HIS O...M.....G HAD MADE ME FUCKING SOBBBBBBBBBBB his yt live god he looked sooooooo fluffy with his hair and his tiny hands and his puppy eyes and soft voice im just so 😭😭😭😭😭😭

NO NONNONONONO PLEASE IM NO LEGEND DON’T SAY THAT IM EMBARRASSED im just a normal fangirl who makes okayish gifs 😭😭 and ok yes so i started giffing LONNNGGGGGG time back on a different public fan forum from my country but i never knew the right process and stuff so obviously the gifs were shitty lmao BUT ANYWAY i got into gifmaking PROPERLY this in july last year and obviously struggled a lot in the beginning because i didn’t know shit about colouring and stuff lmao but i kept practicing and even though im not perfect rn i do think that i got better. i love giffing tho. its such a nice creative outlet and whenever i gif the boys it brings me so much happiness :( <33

AND YES ASDFGHJKL ME AND HER ARE FRIENDS SINCE A VERY LONG TIME SDFGHJK LIKE LONG BEFORE BOTH OF US GOT INTO BTS SDFGHJ and ah yes the whiplash lmaooooooo and you’re right god the stay gold mv is SO FUCKING PRETTY THE COLOURS IN THAT ENTIRE MV HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND JIMIN AND TAE AND JOON WITH THE DOGGO JUST EVERYTHING SDFGHJK <3333333 AND BS&T DUDE I GIFFED THE MV YESTERDAY AND IM 💀💀💀💀💀 (like i just giffed jimin from the mv but i did watch the whole thing 5647589 times <333333) AND GUESS WHAT!!!!!! I WAS A LILLY SINGH FAN (IDK IF YOU KNOW HER SHE’S A YOUTUBER) BACK IN 2016 AND PEOPLE BACK THEN HAD REQUESTED HER TO REACT TO BS&T MV AND I HAD WATCHED HER REACTION VIDEO AND (although it didn’t stick with me back then because i was a fucking fool) I DID SOMEHOW REMEMBERED THE JIN AND STATUE KISSING MOMENT AND WHEN IN 2020 I SAW THE MV AND SAW THE KISSING MOMENT MY BRAIN JUST!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT I HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE SOMEWHERE AND THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD SEEN THIS IN THE REACTION VIDEO LMAOOOOO i wish i hadn’t been a fool and gotten into them back then :((((

AH NO OMG YOUR STORY IS SOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEEEEE ATLEAST YOU WEREN’T A FOOL LIKE ME TO NOT GET ATTRACTED TO BS&T THE FIRST TIME OF SEEING IT!!!! I WANNA HIT MY 2016 SELF LIKE DAMN YOU YOU FOOLISH ASSHOLE AND yes omg how did y’all do the subs thing damnnnnn i can’t imagine

AND YES THE CANADA RUN EPIS ARE LOOOVVVEEEE and that vmin moment plsssssss i cry everytime 😭😭😭😭😭 it is just so soft and innocent and tae’s little smile after jimin just turns around and hugs him 😔😔😔😔 i love soulmates 😔😔😔😔 AND MIRI YES OMG EVERYONE WAS SO IMPRESSED BY THE LITTLE CUTIE AND THE WAY JUNGKOOK JUST KEPT ADORING HER THROUGHOUT MADE ME SO SO SOFTTTT and bro adam is me. i am like that. lazy and un-motivated AF. although if i were a dog and jin were to be my owner i would listen to him so well and jump on him every chance i’d get 😌😌😌

GOD YES RED HAIR DOPE ERA JIMIN 💀 BABIE BUT MAKE IT SEXY 🥵🥵 AND OMG YESDGFHG MY FAVE ERA IS HYYH. ORANGE HAIRED JIMIN. PLS. HE’S EVERYTHING. I WISH I HAD GOTTEN INTO THEM DURING THAT. LIKE THAT ERA IS ..... SOMEHOW SO FUCKING WILD AND STILL SO ASSURING AND CALMING ????? KEEPS ME ROOTED LIKE IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN DFGHJKL AND WINGS TOO DAMN I WISH I WAS HERE TO LIVE ALL THOSE AMAZING ERAS. but even though i wish i had gotten into them earlier... i think i found them when i needed them the most. I was going through a very difficult time last year and they somehow they made me feel so fucking safe and at home that the connection was instant. honestly i’ve never stanned or felt a connection with any celebrity as strong as the one i feel with bangtan. its like... they don’t know i exist but they still know EXACTLY what im feeling and what to say or do at that time to make me feel comforted. Its weird god but its true :((( SORRY I GOT EMO I JUST LOVE THEM A LOT SDFGHJKL

[sadhaa]

another THOUGHT

Cause istg i am on a role rn. If anyone has the time and writing ability to write these ideas GO DO IT. I enable you. 

OK THOUGHT: The Dark Tower - The Hollow Queen and With All My Heart storylines but change it up a bit. The Dark Tower, The Hollow Queen The Hollow Warlock and With All My Heart

Like what if instead of Gwen, Merlin got kidnapped?

Note: I do realize after my last post that I am making some eps more Merlin-centric and that’s bc i feel like if this happened we would get more character development. just a thought. 

Note again: you can interpret this as platonic or romantic i dont really care but bc im a big rom merthur shipper, im taking this in the romantic interpretation

Note again again: can people comment like if they like ideas like this cause im down to have more thoughts. like this is fun. i feel great. 

Ok as always background:

1. Gwen is Queen, Camelot needs a queen so she is queen, but she is not married to Arthur, she is married to Lance (they did him so dirty in the show)

2. Arthur has feelings but he doesn’t really know that he has feelings. like he gets a fluttery feeling whenever Merlin smiles but just chalks it up to heart burn. 

3. Morgana knows who Emrys is. Cause if she is the High Priestess, im gonna assume she knows about the crystal cave and asked it “crytal crystal in the ground, who the hell is emrys?” and it just showed a pic of merlin and she was like “aww hell nah”

ok on to thought-->

So Morgana finds out about Merlin and his magic and is pissed. She plots to torture him for the pain he has caused her. she also remembered what Agravaine (ew) told her when he was helping her, that Arthur had the knights comb the forests in search of Merlin, ultimately going himself to save Merlin. also if she can get Emrys to her side, then maybe all of the magic population would side with her and help takeover Camelot. So she plans to kidnap him and take him to the dark tower.

so cue that scene with all the knights and Gwen but this time with Merlin too bc Gwen misses him and wants to chat like old times. 

BAM MORGANA 

now some of the knights get bitten and gwen gets knocked unconcious but Merlin tries to stand up to her, but she subdues him quick bc we need that for plot. 

the remaining knights go back to Arthur, commence angst bc oh no Merlin. 

Arthur remembers the fear he felt the last time Merlin was kidnapped by the men but doesn’t know that Merlin was kidnapped by Morgana then too. Either way, he needs to get his bff/love back.

Merlin faces the same hallucinations but its everyone reacting badly when they find out about his magic

Leon - “YOU BETRAYED YOUR FRIENDS AND ARTHUR, HOW COULD YOU”

Gwaine - “YOU LIED TO ME WHEN I TOLD YOU ABOUT MYSELF, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS” (not super strong ik, if someone has a better one...)

Elyan and Gwen - “MAGIC KILLED OUR FATHER AND NOW WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE”

Percival - “MAGIC (CENRED) KILLED MY FAMILY NOW I WILL KILL YOU”

Lancelot - “YOU LIED AND GOT ME BANISHED, YOU SAID YOU WOULD HELP ME MERLIN” 

and then Arthur’s would hurt the most “YOU LIED TO ME ALL THESE YEARS I TRUSTED YOU YOU KILLED MY FATHER YOU COULD HAVE SAVED MORGANA YOU ALMOST GOT GAIUS KILLED YOU MONSTER...”

the “monster” part would kill him inside and is thus the breaking point for him where he falls into Morgana’s curse.

Now commence the rest of the episode Dark Tower, the same way except that the weird fairy actually helps the rescue party bc she believes that Merlin is good and that they all need him and Elyan doesn’t die bc my boi deserves better than that too. 

They get him back and he seems fine. But he really isnt

I dont have any real ideas for the Hollow Warlock its just a cool title I thought. The main pivotal part should be Merlin meeting with Morgana and monologuing about living in Camelot scared and saving Arthur and not being seen which makes the viewers see a side of Merlin that is not seen often. almost like a Dark!Merlin AU. 

Ok, now to With All My Heart. All the knights, Arthur and Gwen notice Merlin acting odd. So they follow him and notice him consorting with Morgana. Arthur is crushed bc the one person, his other half, who he knew would never betray him has now gone and done this. When they speak with Gaius and he tells them that Merlin has fallen to Morgana’s will, then they all are relieved bc that means that Merlin doesn’t actually want to betray Arthur. Arthur is now more determined than ever to get him back. So cue funny scene with a dinner with knights, arthur, gwen and gaius. even mordred.

BAM merlin unconscious and ready to be saved!

Now adventure! Quest! Drama! Angst! 

On a night where they have to stop to rest and merlin is still conked out, they swap stories of M’s heroic deeds and funny moments. they plan to tell him all of this when he wakes up cause that boy doesn’t get enough praise.

Now they are at the fancy lake (im a little lazy to figure out the name) the only downside to my idea is that there can’t be a Dolma. or maybe there is a Dolma! that isnt merlin in disguise. 

Merlin wakes up and like how Gwen went on a mad tirade for a sec, he goes on for a whole 10 mins and inadvertently reveals his magic. He vents it all out in an anger infused rant and talks about how he wants to be loved and seen and is crying as well as shouting. Everyone is horrified and Arthur feels guilty and betrayed. Percival knocks him out so that they can talk about this. They spend the night there and decide to wait til the morning to decide to help M or not (basically they all would save M they jus dont know if A would save him or not [even though they all know he would]).

Arthur sleeps and ,through Kilgarrah’s (is that how you spell it?) creepy ass voodoo magic, sees a life without Merlin in it. He wakes up with a shout and realizes. That. was. a Nightmare. a life without Merlin was literally a nightmare. He thinks back to the rant and knows that even though Merlin was scared and did things selflessly, he meant no harm to camelot and did it all out of Love. Bc he loved Arthur. Arthur then has an epiphany and realizes his “heart burn” is emotions. yike. And with that Arthur decides to help M. 

They get him to the lake and its basically a repeat of the day before with the screaming and shouting. But this time, Morgana’s men have arrived. With Morgana. cause drama.

Now the knights and gwen grab their swords and make a wall while M and A stay behind. Arthur tries to get through to Merlin and says “I am sorry with all my heart” and Merlin hesitates. 

Then a few of the evil dudes get through the wall and advance towards Arthur and Merlin. Arthur steps forward to fight and Merlin watches and realizes that Arthur would fight for him, would die for him just as Merlin had vowed to do. this man was worth it and that he knew that with all his heart. 

Merlin walks into the lake, glows a little and walks out normal. he like slow walks past the wall and uses his magic in a super badass way and just scares Morgana bc of how powerful she is. she yeets herself out of there and everyone hugs merlin and they tell him how much they all love him. Arthur in particular just kisses him right there and then, all adrenaline and happiness.  

On the way home, he tells the stories of all the times he used magic. they realize that even though he was under Morgana’s will, this is still what he felt, the fear, the anxiety, the pain. Arthur goes back and repeals the ban and makes Merlin his consort. prob some nice angst with requited love. 

the end.

someone write this pls. i have these thoughts at 11:23 pm and dont have the motivation to actually write something like this. 

[nichester]

This Week’s Watchlist!

A roundup of my thoughts on media I’ve consumed

My research has been put on hold and so have my clinical rotations, so I’m suddenly finding myself with the time to catch up on my dramas.  I’ve been so out of touch I honestly don’t even know what current shows are worth starting--so any suggestions you guys have are welcome!

I’ll Go To You When The Weather Is Nice (ep 1&2):  I’ve only had time to watch the first two episodes of this show, but I’m definitely intrigued, if not 100% sold yet. As everyone has probably already said, this is a real departure for Park Min Young in terms of tone, but she is a consistently engaging leading lady. It’s interesting to see her play someone much more withdrawn and prickly than her usual upbeat and cheerful leads, but some elements do seem to remain across all of her characters; they are all admirably hard workers, for example. The scenes with Hye Won doing her best to fix up the guesthouse did a lot in terms of winning me over.

Hye Won is such a reserved character, and what I’m finding most compelling about the show so far is the way that it explores the difference between being a quiet but engaged member of a community, and being a silent, lonely, observer of other peoples lives. We see this with the guesthouse, where she throws herself into working on it in an attempt to feel agency over some part of her life. We see it in the difference between the flashbacks of her at work in Seoul and at dinner with her classmates. She is almost equally quiet in both situations, but in Seoul she is expressionless, moving entirely separate from the people around her.  At her classmates dinner, on the other hand, she is actively reacting to what is going on around her.

The most significant comparison the show is drawing for us, I think, is between Hye Won and Eun Seob. They are both relatively quiet, shy people, who tend to observe rather than participate (the writers blog stands out as an example of this). Eun Seob is constantly being pulled this way and that by his boisterous, goofy family, who are all much louder and more forceful than him. The affection there, however, is so clear from both sides. Scenes with his family, with his book club, with his best friend, all radiate a warmth and an ease that Hye Won finds incredibly tempting (I love these scenes).

Right now, im rooting for the show to ease Hye Won out of her shell without changing anything about her personality, but instead by helping her form secure loving connections to a community. She doesn’t need to transform into a loud and extroverted version of herself, but instead she needs to feel the kind of peace and warmth in her relationships that Eun Seob has in abundance.

Related to these themes, I really hope the show has her and Bo Young heal their friendship. I need all my ladies to be friends! It’s pretty much my number one priority.  If I can only be guaranteed this, then I can say with confidence that I am looking forward to seeing where this show is going!

(Also, a small bookstore owner is pretty much my number one fantasy in a guy??? I’ve been compromised)

[assholemurphy]

oh yeah i definitely agree with that! the shit they all went through is awful, and after lexa died it definitely went downhill even more. though her coming back at the end was amazing!! and yea, o/ntari was a character i really hated lol. | agreed!! i really hope jaha dies soon, or at least isnt a huge part of season 5 | yess!! roan was such a good character, and him and bell wouldve been good ngl. | again i agree a lot haha. b/echo isnt a ship i like at all, and i really dont like (1/?) -🌸

echo, but she's a really good villain imo. | aahhh!! im so excited to watch s5! i actually just finished s4 lol (god that was intense). mt weather wasnt my favourite but it definitely had its moments, towards the end especially. but i really dislike maya and how jasper acted with and after her. | fav s3 moment has to be the clexa scenes. all of them. i love lexa so much tbh. and character i miss the most is definitely lexa!! hbu? | whats been your favourite plot line? (2/2) -🌸

The end scene with Lexa was almost too much for me. It was nice seeing Clexa back together, but it hurt to know it was rly over. I mean, the only thing I had against Lexa was the bindi (and how a lot of fans reacted to it being called out for what it was) but otherwise, I loved the character and for her to be rly gone, it hurt.

O/ntari can eat a dick, I s2g. Rape is never a plot device, not even for a villain, and the fact that (aside from one scene) it’s never even talked abt or acknowledged for what it was. I’ll never forgive Jroth for that or for never talking abt O’s abuse of Bell. But I’m hoping s5 will fix the latter.

Bruh, strap in. I’m not gonna spoil anything abt Jaha, but like, yeah, s5 is great.

Idek if they have a ship name, but I’m so on board with that ship. Like, I don’t think it’s v popular (m/m ships generally aren’t in this fandom :/) but I’d love some fics for it, even if I have to write them myself.

It’s not a good ship. She betrayed him so many times. I’m glad he’s happy, he deserves to be, but I just can’t get behind it. I’ll tolerate it bc it makes Bell smile (and he doesn’t do that often enough) but it just bugs me. I don’t hate it, but I don’t like it, ya know? But Echo as a villain was the best. I like her in s5 well enough, but like, considering how it’s being done, I just can’t get on board with her character. Ppl ship her with Raven and I’m just like why??? Emori is right there. 

It’s great. s5 is amazing. The writing is better than any other season imo and the villain is just absolutely amazing. Plus, the other ‘villain’ is just straight up badass. I’m living for this season, tbh. S4 was def intense. There was so much suspense, esp in the last few eps. Jroth has rly stepped up his game. 

I just like it bc we got to see the other delinquents (not just Bell and Clarke) kick ass. Like, Miller was great and Monty was amazing. I kinda liked Maya bc I love the whole ‘what my people are doing is bad, we have to stop them, bc if they’re killing others so that we can live, maybe we don’t deserve to live’ thing she had going on. Also Monty’s “Die.” quote is my everything. But I def didn’t like Jasper (I did at the beginning, but then I met a girl who explained to me a lot abt the whole thing and how it wasn’t good and just generally helped me see past the ‘I like him bc he’s dorky’ thing I had going on. Fast forward 4 years, I’m head over heels for her and we’re kinda talking marriage one day, so it’s great. But that’s not relevant to this ask, lol.) and how he acted towards Monty and Bellamy. Like, that wasn’t okay at all. Esp bc he knew the girl for what? A few weeks? And he was willing to sacrifice his friends for her? Wtf, Romeo, grow tf up and chill for like two seconds. His friends were literally being tortured and he was acting like a lovesick puppy. (Also, the whole ‘savior’ arc should have been Miller’s from the get go, it made more sense. I’m totes not bitter or anything.)

Those Clexa things gave me life. Like, Clarke being bi was everything I could ask for, bc she was the first bi character I’d ever seen on tv. And the relationship was so cute and sweet and they rly could have been great if the ship had survived for longer. Like, I’m forever bitter abt Jroth killing one of his only queer characters for shock value in such a stupid way.

Lexa was so good as a character. I miss her. If Jroth had ditched the damn bindi things would have been fine. I loved her so much. I just kinda hated the ship wars and the thinly veiled racism from both sides so I kinda stopped reblogging it, but it seems to have died down now.

My fav s3 moment was the meeting between Murphy and Bellamy in the tunnels (or whatever they were) plus the shoulder grab in the elevator. And Murphy performing open heart surgery (kind of, lol). It was great.

The character I miss most is probably Wells. He was great and his death didn’t have to happen. I miss him so much. He had so much potential. (And I’m a Wellamy and Wellphy shipper for life, honestly.)

My fav plotline was the whole thing with Pike. Bell and Monty following him. Miller being against him. The whole dictator thing mixed with the ‘us vs them’ mentality was so great to watch. I just wish we’d gotten to see how Monty dealt with the weight of helping kill the grounder army. (Monty’s pain/guilt is generally ignored for most of the show and it’s frustrating.)

Yours? And fav grounder character (other than Lexa)? What none shippy moment hurt the most?

[streetcornertwoam]

currently watching some different videos of hannah hart and right now watching a livestream thing she did for her book buffering, where she was signing copies and answering questions...fun stuff

ANYWAY...

so...it’s nearing the end of the video, and she read this question from a girl named becca (i’m assuming spelling lmao) from aurora, IL (which if you happen to know anything about me...I live in IL...and that’s only a few hrs away from me) so initially that was like really like ‘oh fun!’

but then...she read then question...

i’m gonna paraphrase it ‘cause i’ve had to pause the video and like...stop for a minute ‘cause shit got real fucking Quick lmao

basically just ‘what advice would you give to someone who has just come to terms with the fact that they’re bisexual and unsure if they’ll ever be able to come out’

like...Holy Fuck

it’s...too real right now lmao

admittedly I probably would have reacted this way regardless of where they live...but the fact that it’s somewhere so fucking near me is just like O.O

...and I mean like...I guess I’d say I’m ‘out’ like on here...but that’s different, ‘cause...no one really knows me on here (or talks to me lbr haha) so y’know...it is different

and like...I still kinda...pause when I’m talking aloud to myself and saying it

I mean...it’s not even been a year since I started thinking ‘i...might be bisexual’

I wish I could remember when the thought like first permeated my head, but I know it was sometime last yr...and probably in like...April-May

...and like the second it came up, I was like ‘DEAL WITH THIS ANOTHER DAY’

and just ignored it basically...and then like every few weeks, it’d kinda pop back up again...and then finally sometime during the summer...I was like...ok...let’s...look at my life and the facts and...think about this

and it still took me a few weeks, thinking about it off and on...but then after actually asking the advice of someone on here (anonymously of course lmao)...that...definitely helped

i still thought about it, but after that...i did feel more confident in saying it and knowing it to be true about myself

like...i’m 26 right now, and in a few weeks i’ll be 27...

it’s hard to change a perception you’ve held of yourself for so goddamn long, but...fuck i was so in denial about things

just a few weeks ago i was thinking about something and i was like ‘christ you should have realized when you were still in fucking high school dude’

but y’know...there were always guys...and y’know...ahaha...i definitely was never popular, i wasn’t and still wouldn’t consider myself an attractive person

so i mean...even the few guys that i went to HS with that i would maybe find attractive were all assholes anyway, so that totally ruined it

and i dated guys...i kissed...a lot of guys lol...like...just a lot

y’know and my last day of HS i started dating this guy i’d known like...since i was fucking 5 dude

and he was the first (and unfortunately so far only) person i’ve had sex with

and we dated for like... 3 1/2 yrs and then...long story short, he became a fucking ass and we broke up

(that’s not really what happened...i was terrible too...i was...yea i was a bad girlfriend...in the...manipulative way i guess i’d say now...i hate saying that...i hate knowing that i was like that...but...he wasn’t great either...we should have broken up long before we did...and i think that was a huge issue for us...but he still did some Fucked Up shit...and it’s been...4 yrs now??? and like...I still can’t think about him or anything without just...yea...i’m still not over it...i’m over him, but the situation? it’s all just so fucked...so like...probably not everything he did was entirely his fault...but...y’know...there were just...he lied about things...a lot...they were little things....but....they were lies nonetheless...and then when i’d days...weeks later find out the truth i’d obviously be Pissed...and then it’d be a big fight, and y’know i’m ‘overreacting’ and ‘this is why i didn’t tell you’ and blah blah blah’ LIKE NO OK...SO...for like...i don’t know...a week or two before I turned 21 I didn’t hear from him AT ALL...like...I had no fucking idea where he was...what he was doing...if we were still together...fucking Nothing...expected to hear from him on my birthday...Nothing...i was obviously initially pissed but I got hella fucking wasted and then it was whatever... and then like...i don’t know...another week or something went by...(i might be remembering this wrong...maybe it was like...a bit before my bday i didn’t...whatever anyway) basically i didn’t hear from him at all for like...2 weeks or some crazy shit and then one night I’m sitting in my room watching Torchwood (yea you bet I fucking remember this...it was the ep where Tosh and Jack go back in time and they meet the real Jack Harkness just fuck my shit up) anyway so I’m watching that and I hear the doorbell ring...and I just instantly Know. I don’t get up, I just keep watching the show...and then I hear a knock at my door...I don’t answer. Knocks keep coming....still don’t answer...(my door is locked but i don’t have a lock on my door...the way the knob is if you like...push it in and turn it it locks) so there’s a tiny little hole on the other side that you can push a very small screwdriver (or the stick of a dum-dum sucker lmao) into and you can unlock the door...so after a few minutes my door opens this way...and it’s Fucking Him...I just...like straight up ignored him and kept watching my show ‘cause like...you don’t talk to me for WEEKS...and then just show the fuck up?? fuck you (at this point we’d been dating for not even 3 yrs) anyway...eventually i have to pause the show and y’know what he fucking tells me? what he’s been doing? before we even started dating he had planned on going into the marines...like he signed some shit saying he was interesting or whatthefuckever i don’t remember what it was anymore...so keep in mind that was like..3 yrs ago almost....says...’so you remember when i was gonna go in the marines’ etc etc etc..basically...they like...got in contact with him (after all this fucking time????) and said that he was now recruited or whatever (i honestly don’t remember what he said...christ it’s been 4-5 yrs now) so he had been in Missouri doing training something or other...and like...i’m immediately fucking Suspicious...and he’s wearing a fucking marines t-shirt and has a lanyard like that’s Proof...and just...eventually it got ‘worked out’ and then it was just like...this thing that was gonna be happening...he was gonna in the next few months be leaving to go do that...and like...there’s even more to the story than just this...but...it’s such a fucking lie right??? but i was so goddamn desperate to keep him...like...that was my problem...i’d had boyfriends before, and like..only one that i would even say was vaguely as serious (and not even really ‘cause y’know...i was like 12 but...the feelings...and it was only for a few months but at the time...that was the most real) anyway...so y’know...first real serious honest to god we’re gonna get married boyfriend...first person i’d ever had sex with...huge thing....huge moment in my life...and...i didn’t want to lose this person...i put up with the most ridiculous shit ‘cause i didn’t want to be fucking alone...i ruined one of the best friendships i ever had ‘cause i never spent time with her...and just...would spend it with him...or wouldn’t hang out just in case i could ever see him (his parents were fucking...omg the actual worst) just..just...so much Bullshit

sorry that’s just all one big long fucking pile of shit right there lmao...if anyone actually reads that then...good on ya, but also im super sorry

so...then at the beginning of 2012...i’m single...and i was a fucking mess...like...he left (btw...not to join the marines...he just...like fucking left the state so y’know...super legit dude) and...i’m still not sure if it’s just...a coincidence or whatever, but like...immediately after that I got So Fucking Sick

like...i had the worst ear ache...like i was crying it hurt so bad, so finally had to go to the doctor...yea the ear infection i thought i had? turns out it was like a fucking terrible case of strep...like Awful...but my throat didn’t even hurt...it was just my ear...so that happened...

and for like...months i didn’t leave the house really...i mostly stayed in my room, i like...barely talked to my parents...it was...hard

and then summer came, and i went to the swim and golf club that my parents own (and which is now closed and i wish they could sell it) and i started hanging out there again...and i made new friends...and it was honestly? like the best summer...it was...so fucking great

there was this lifeguard...and he was just so cute, and I had the Biggest crush on him...but he was like 5-6 yrs younger than me lmao

like...I was so fucking pathetic...you could see the goddamn hearts in my eyes

and one of the reasons that i’m bringing this up is ‘cause...that first summer then...there was this girl that was also a lifeguard that I had ‘known’ sorta ‘cause she had grown up coming to the pool and had been friends with my sister and knew my mom and they were all really close and whatever...but i never really hung out up there so i didn’t know her...anyway...she had like...just come out to everyone as gay...it was a huge... (she was also like...a few yrs younger than me) and anyway...we eventually became like...Really Good friends

like...we talked a lot, and y’know...just hung out and shit...and...hahaha...i remember this one time...she said to me she’d like to just once take me out on a date...like...just a really nice proper date, and blah blah blah...and asked what my mom would think and i kinda laughed and said she probably wouldn’t care and asked if i would and i said ‘yea i definitely would we should!’ and it was just like...we were Cracking Up (we did that a lot....we both had super loud obnoxious laughs) and like...I was seriously really excited about this idea??? like i remember telling TJ (that was the cute lifeguard) Elaina (that’s the gay lifeguard lmao) is gonna take me on a date! like...I had  HUGE smile...and he kinda got wide eyed and was like ‘uhh...what?’ and I was like ‘no no no...just...’ and tried to explain it in such a way that was like...basically i was pulling the ‘no homo’ bullshit...

and i mean even looking back now, I didn’t have a thing for her...I really enjoyed her company, and I thought she was funny and fun to be around, but like...it was never like secret gay crush shit. but the fact that i was So Excited and interested about a girl taking me on a date??? like...fucking Hello Self

and then I got engaged to a few of the lifeguards lmao

...one of which happened to be another girl who I was like...kinda intimated by ‘cause she was just...like real quiet and I didn’t think she’d like me...and then we just started talking one day and got on really well

like...she made me a duct tape ring and everything...i think i still have it somewhere...and again...i don’t think i ever was like ‘fuck i think i really like her’ (but that could be ‘cause like everyone knew that TJ had had a Thing for her for a long time...so it was like...Awkward for me lmao) but she was really nice and very pretty

y’know...i’ve done this a lot throughout my life...which (i think?) it’s a fairly normal thing...but...y’know been ‘engaged’ or ‘married’ to different friends of mine that were girls y’know...and i just...never thought into that much or anything...and i don’t know if that’s ‘cause there really was never any sort of attraction or just because i was just so in denial about things that i just...didn’t let myself think about it...i really don’t know

the first time that i can remember thinking about another girl that i ‘knew’ i was like...18-19...and it was when i was really involved on twitter lol...and i made lots of new friends all over the world and it was honestly one of the best times of my life

...and i remember...lmao...’cause our initial bonding thing was over craig ferguson, and that’s how i was introduced into fanfiction and all that stuff...and i eventually wrote some (absolutely Dreadful) fics...and anyway...one of them...AHAHAHAHHA christ this is embarrassing...

one of them...I uh...wrote about me and this friend of mine...and uh...well...anyone remember the movie Hot Tub Time Machine? yea basically...that’s where i got my idea...we got into a hot tub...went back in time...to...sometime in craig’s past (i fucking wish this wasn’t true...but it so embarrassingly is) and uh...we had sex...the three of us...

....yeaaaaaaa

and like...it was...mainly just...basically we didn’t do much sexual things to/with each other...but we...did kiss at least i remember...and...something else, i can’t remember what lmao...and like...i remember being So Embarrassed writing this thing (she knew all about this btw...i mean I fucking posted it for everyone to see on the website they created for him...i think it’s all still up and if I wanted to i could go and find it but I’m definitely Not doing that) and like...I don’t honestly even know how or WHY i was like ‘I should write about you and I going back in time and having a threesome with Craig Ferguson’ like...i could have made it just me...or just...anyone else...but the fact that it was fucking self insert....with another girl...who was a good friend of mine at the time...

OH YOU KNOW WHAT...I...might have decided to do it ‘cause...ahahhah...she ended up in a dream of mine...her and Craig...and...did we kiss? fuck I don’t remember, but I remember her and Craig in the dream...and kisses were exchanged but I don’t remember with who or whatever...it’s been so many years...anyway

and y’know...she was (still is) a very pretty lady...she was a couple yrs older than me...and we talked a lot about real things...and she gave me advice on things...and, lol...she actually taught me some German words and stuff (she was German herself) and uh...she would like...help me learn how to say things correctly...we never got real far or anything, but it was fun...and I think I was probably...a little bit attracted to her...yea

but...y’know I was again...18-19...I had a boyfriend...it was...there was a lot of New Things

...actually by the time this all happened I was probably at least 20...but still

and then I eventually after a few yrs...was able to be like ‘oh this celebrity lady is really pretty’

‘cause oh yea...i also was that person that was like ‘i can’t say if another girl is pretty/cute/hot/whatever ‘cause that’s gay’ so...sorry about that lmao

and i eventually got over that...and then i was more comfortable with saying so and so is really pretty

and then...Billie Piper happened...oh that beautiful lady

and then it was ‘oh i have a girl crush on billie haha’

and then karen gillan with those ‘legs that go on for miles’ that’s an actual thing I used to say about her All The Fucking Time

i shit you fucking not

but nope...still just a total hetero girl crush....

and there have been various and many others...

(i’m skipping A LOT of other little things that are like ‘dude...you’re at least a bit attracted to girls...you’ve watched videos on youtube of girls hardcore making out and gotten off to it...you were like 15 then dude...accept it’)

so...there’s that

...and loads of other things

wow this...really went off the rails lmao

if anyone fucking reads this whole thing you deserve a goddamn medal ‘cause holy shit is a fuckton of embarrassing shit

but...i honestly feel better getting it off my chest

...i still don’t know if/when i’ll be able to totally come out to my family/people i know in RL as bi but i hope that the day does eventually come...

i had thought the other day about how...i really maybe should wait til my grandma passes ‘cause...well, there’s lot of stuff there (she’s great and i love her so much but she’s very much a church lady and gays go to hell and she’s still sure that my uncle who was gay is there and it’s upsetting to her and etc)

but like...i hate to have to hide this from her, but...i don’t know it’s hard and confusing

which is another reason why I’d like to as I said the other day get a tattoo of a violet on like the inside of my forearm...just..a little something for me that i can look at and know...and then...eventually work on telling people

(funny how i was thinking last yr during coming out month and all that stuff like ‘oh maybe i can do this next yr’ HA! good joke self...that...probably won’t happen)

so yea...anyway it’s probably time that i finally wrap this shit up

seriously if any of you read this...well fucking done, i’m sorry i’m such a mess and type like shit