#im not gonna do anything stupid like off myself i just need to vent

[phoenix-before-the-flame]

[starswallowingsea]

god i hate living with my parents. "We're doing this for you. You need to get a job that can pay for your insurance because when you turn 26 you're getting dropped off of ours." I know this. I have known this since I was 16 and it has been looming over my head. I happen to like my summer job though and unfortunately it's hard to find winter seasonal work in a similar field and it's not like the parks are looking for more full time people. I'd love to be the second person in our costuming department just making clothes and helping out with that full time but unfortunately its not in the fucking budget to do that and keep me on as an interpreter. I might see if I can get in there for a winter job and find an apartment though just because living with my parents makes me want to constantly blow something up or throw something. I hate this stupid country and I hate how my parents don't seem to see that I'm just so fucking lost and drowning and I hate that I feel like I can't talk to them about this because they'll just talk down to me instead of trying to help me.

[moonlit-orchid]

good evening to everyone except a certain few fucking anons

[larryjohnsoncosplayonthursday]

last

for realsies

[toastsnaffler]

woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better

[silverislander]

i can't be trusted to take breaks bc i'm now on day 4-5 of "doing no school work at all" since it's the winter semester break and i said i'd take monday off for myself. i have the second section of my essay technically due tomorrow and i'm absolutely not going to be done on time. fuck me man

[galaxywarp]

Hey Blue ;v; I just have something that I need to get off my chest, I need to tell somebody, so I hope it’s okay if I tell you: I have a problem with weed. As in, I need to stop using it. I’m thinking of, like, giving my stash to my friends so I can’t use it as easily. I need to tell my counsellor. But I’m scared. I need help. (Btw it’s not like it’s illegal here, it’s legal where I am. I’m scared because I’ve never dealt with something like this before)

Also, I have a question about your sobriety tracker (bc I use it too, just not for substance use) : when do you start tracking? From the last moment you put the drug in your body, or the first moment you sobered up from it/weren’t high?

And… I’m not weak for having a problem with weed, am I? Just bc like. It’s not a hard drug or anything, it feels kind of stupid to have this happen 😭

(Ugh I need to just say it. I’m addicted to it. Thankfully I don’t have much opportunity to use it, but I use it every chance I get, and I just broke one of my own rules that serves as a restriction)

Hi friend. Thanks for reaching out. I’m glad you’re on the step of your recovery where you can acknowledge you have a problem. That’s a really rough step

Especially because of the weird mixed signals and attitudes around weed addiction. I understand where you’re coming from.

And if it helps, this is me, a certified tweaker who used to OD on fentanyl regularly: your weed addiction is still real and still serious and you still deserve support.

Addiction is addiction when it’s hurting you. It sounds like you’ve come to acknowledge that weed is hurting you but even though it is, you’re struggling to stop.

You’re not doing it because it’s fun. You’re doing it because you feel like you need it and going without it is painful. I’ve felt that way about numerous drugs in my lifetime, and weed is definitely one of them. I would smoke myself so numb for months or years on end and it was absolutely miserable.

Im sorry you’re going through this. I have hope you’ll be able to overcome this. Im glad you shared this with me and I hope you can share it with others too.

If you do decide to quit, I know there’s a lot of stuff trying to claim that weed has no withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think that’s true. From lengthy personal experience I really don’t think that’s true. Heroin and meth were soooo much more extreme, don’t get me wrong. It’s apples to oranges — it can’t be compared

But when I stopped smoking pot I felt achy and agitated and bored and restless and upset and don’t let anyone, including yourself, invalidate that you feel shitty. It’s gonna feel bad for a bit and you have every right to own that. Don’t deny yourself some days of lying around whining and snacking and trying to distract yourself.

The good news is, after 2-3 weeks, you’ll start feeling better in a way you probably haven’t felt since you started smoking 24/7

If you need someone to vent to during that time, my askbox is open

Phew! That’s a lot. For your last question: my exact sobriety dates in my trackers are actually ….very loose

The short answer is that my memory of those times is very distorted because of, y know , drugs

The longer answer includes that I picked my dates as dates when I made a conscious decision that I wanted to quit.

My fentanyl date: September 27, 2019

I came home from a camping trip with my family. Because I was in the woods sleeping in a tent with them all weekend, I couldn’t bring my drugs. And I was gonna be in withdrawal

But I had saved a few suboxone from my last detox clinic and I used them over the weekend to keep the pain manageable (suboxone is used for opiate withdrawal so I had been prescribed it off and on for years)

When I got home I still had a small bag left of fentanyl.

I decided….i wasn’t going to buy anymore

And over the next few days I used what was left, all the way down to desperately licking the bag and smoking burnt tin foil, trying to wean myself so my withdrawal symptoms weren’t as bad

And then I ran out. And I stopped. And now im 4 years clean from it

Very similar story with my meth date: April 1st 2023

I still had a little bit of meth left but that was the day I said I didn’t want to get anymore. And when it was gone, it was gone. And now it’s been over a year

[stardust-sunset]

i’m sorry i keep venting but i swear this is my lowest. and i don’t really have any other way to filter it out because it’s like it’s consuming me and i can’t get it out of my head and i don’t wanna relapse again so. tw for self harm, sa mentions and suicide (i’m not gonna do anything but things will be mentioned.

today has been absolute hell. i don’t know why but the ask from this morning has me all jumpy or whatever. i just feel sick. i dunno. i guess i deserve it. i deserve to feel this way. i deserve what happened to me because i hurt people. i don’t like to say i was assaulted because i was young when it happened (8-12y/o or so) and it just kinda feels like i don’t have a right to say that because it wasn’t that much. like my grandpa used to slap me on the ass. he touched my chest area once or twice but that was it. but he did that to a lot of people. and i dunno. i feel like i can’t call it assault because it wasn’t. he didn’t know what he was doing because he had alzheimer’s and was demented. i dunno. i wish he was nicer. he used to scream at me and my brothers a lot. he made us cry and hide a lot too. he wasn’t very nice. but he’s still family and i have to love him. and i thought i was over it but the stupid ask from this morning just had me like…i dunno. feeling weird.

i suppose i deserved it. if i told my family they would tell me im being a dramatic attention seeker. so i guess that’s what im being. but i dunno. i hate complaining about this stuff because it doesn’t do anything. but still. and the shit about my brother doesn’t bother me as much. he was probably joking around or whatever when he was touching my clothes. it’s blurry now. but it’s whatever. i deserve this all. i deserve it. and i keep telling myself that.

i relapsed last night. for the first time in about nine months. i had one of the worst mental breakdowns of my life. i was just stuck on the bathroom floor crying while i relapsed. it wasn’t that bad. i shouldn’t count it as s/h. it never broke skin. or well; that much at least. i don’t even know hat happened, i was just thinking for too long and i ended up spiraling. i thought about ending it last night while taking my meds because i was thinking about how easy it would’ve been. i deserve it. but i was thinking like…i dunno. running from this won’t do anything. so i guess i have to face it myself.

every time i hear my mom tell me im a loyal friend, or that im kind, or whatever, all i can think about is how many people i’ve hurt. and it’s just become my life now. i hardly sleep. i either don’t eat or i eat til i feel like throwing up. i feel like there’s no escape and i did this all to myself. i wish i could turn back time. i do. but i cant. i wish that i could tell my past self what a fucking idiot she was. i don’t want to keep fighting this. i wanna be happy. but i feel like i can’t do anything.

everyone says im just doing ‘good’. good in school, in clubs, in whatever. but good isn’t great. and i need to be great. i need to be exceptional. i need to be exemplary. i need to be the best. that’s always where my mind is at. and if i’m not the best, i’m nothing. and i am nothing. i will always be nothing. because i can’t get off my lazy ass to do anything productive so i either drown myself in work or i do nothing but waste time holed up in my room because there’s something wrong with me and i can’t turn it off.

i’m scared. but i deserve to be scared. i deserve all of this and all of what’s to come. i don’t even think it’s because of friend issues either anymore. i just finally woke up and realized how meaningless everything i do is. because i’m not a good friend. i’m not a good sister. i’m not a good partner. i’m not anything. i’m not the best and when i’m not the best, i’m nothing.

[haechannabelle]

hiii today is bad my hair is messy but we out here i guess. lots of very negative venting under the cut yayyy (it’s okay tho venting made me feel better)

i’m just frustrated because my stupid job where i have to stand on concrete floors for 7 hours a day has ruined my knees, i have the knees of like a fucking 60 year old and i’m not even 30, like i can’t exercise and i keep gaining weight from my medication and idk what to do about it

and i made an appointment to hopefully get a doctor’s note so i can sit at work but because i’m on medicaid my doctor was like yeah earliest i have is in three months and even then he’ll have to refer me to a specialist to get anything done about it

and my arm has also been bothering me since we moved in august, it’ll go away but then it comes back worse. so of course i’m worried about that too

and NOW my foot is all fucked up on TOP of that stuff and because they’re doing stupid construction on all the public transit i’m walking like an extra 3 miles some days which obviously isn’t helping anything…and i had to leave work today because i couldn’t stop crying because i feel like my body is failing me and i can’t afford to take time off of work and also fuck the healthcare “system” in this country, i just had to pay a $750 bill for dental work so who KNOWS how much it’ll cost if i need treatment for my knees OR arm OR foot OR all three of them

anyways i’m sad and in pain and im freaking out about how i’m gonna get it all fixed or IF i’m gonna get things fixed and how much i’ll have to pay if i do…. it’s just not a good situation and it’s only been building as i tried to ignore the problems and hope they would go away, so now i’m directing anger at myself for not taking care of myself

but whatever my partner will be home soon and he’s gonna drive me to the doctor tomorrow and i know he’ll have comforting things to say. i know it’ll all be okay i’m just upset and what is tumblr for if not long sad personal posts and also selfies riiiiight ???

in other news tomorrow is 4/20 and i WILL be ceremoniously ending my 3 week T-break and i cannot fucking wait. i read four (4!!!) books in that time which is 4x as many books as i had read in the previous 5 years so,, i’m doing good in other ways !!!

everything is gonna be okay, it’s just hard right now. shoutout to anyone who read this far i am virtually giving you a fresh baked cookie 🍪

[luveline]

keeping up with me (this is a weird vent but it's not all doom and gloom or anything I'm just rambling cos I don't have anywhere else to say this lol) (pls don't read if it's gonna stress u out!!) tw suicidal discussion (I'm not suicidal, please don't worry) / disordered eating ment

im fighting shame off with a stick lately, im sad all the time and that doesn't make me gross. im really insecure about lots of stuff, and i feel guilt for becoming this overwhelmed because i feel like im being a bad daughter/sister/friend . i hate that being upset or just generally blue can come with so much baggage! and im constantly feeding myself positivity and it's a battle because lots of me feels disgusting but I know that it's okay to take time for myself, it's okay to want to be by myself, it's okay to want space

i know im not alone in these things, and that doesn't make me feel better or worse. I've gotten pretty good at just moving through like without the constant analysis of my feelings, but I do worry im being somebody who isn't redeemable.

beside my writing im really not confident that there's anything in me that is worth being interested in. and THAT is a whole new bag, because again as it usually goes my unhappy mood has come with a lack of motivation to write anything, which makes me feel useless like if I can't be good at the only thing I'm good at, then I'm not good at anything at all. NOT that I was even too good to begin with wh ich is my second bag — I feel super bad for my asks always being off but the "hate" lately has been relentless. I tend to just block and move on (or try, because it definitely has the power to stick in your brain) but i don't know if it's the same person over and over. t it has sapped any want to write that I had left in me. ever since that one I got about love bites I just haven't wanted to write for Eddie at all because I feel sooo stupid — and it isn't fair, bc the generous love I received for it outweighs the mean stuff by so much, but I just can't get to grips with it

it's nice though bc as I write this I'm like are you sure? is that actually what's upsetting you? and i honestly don't know. Everything feels off kilter in a way I can't work out, and it has for a little while. Which isn't to say I'm unhappy all the time, I'm not, I'm usually cheerful and ready to go, but idk ! I've been good at keeping up with everything besides eating, where I'm eating one meal a day and I honestly can't make myself eat more. I don't know why, it's not to lose weight it's just so embarrassing because its like I feel as though i don't deserve to eat properly

I feel like im constantly fighting myself and my logical brain with how I'm feeling. I know people don't resent me but I worry they should. I know I need to be eating properly but I can't make myself. I know it's okay to have writers block but if I'm not writing what worth do I actually have? The answer of course is a lot, my self worth isn't and never will be tied to what 'content' I'm able to create and i don't want to spread that narrative ever but it's still how I feel.

At the end of the day, none of this stuff actually matters. besides some hormone stuff my life hasn't felt this normal and in order in a long time. I can't work out what changed near the end of October to make me feel like this again. I miss writing but every time I try I just stop because it feels pointless. Its like I swapped chronic worrying in October for constant blues in November:( again though, I'm at such a crossroads cos it doesn't feel like a very urgent sadness and I'm not even passively suicidal as I had been in the summer, I'm just sad. I don't think that's a big deal. I'm frustrated at how it's affecting my everything else

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw talk of nail biting? and stimming ig? i dunno wtf to tag this with, sorry.

okay, this is gonna sound really stupid. like. ik this is me overreacting but i feel like i just need to talk about it. advice would be great but if you just want this to be a vent, that's fine. im Xra.

i bite my nails ok? i bite my nails, i like, gnaw on my hands, pick at my skin, shit like that, I always have. the gnawing thing is a stim, like, i'm autistic and sometimes i just have half my hand in my mouth trying to comfort myself or contain my feelings. which sounds gross, i know it does, trust me, i've been told, you don't have to tell me. i've tried to stop. i briefly stopped biting my nails. long nails are sensory HELL and something bad happened and i just fell right back into it and i never stopped any of the other stuff.

but i have a sister, who i avoid, bc she's mean to me most of the time. i don't mean like, 'ooh my sister is just annoying :/ i hate not being an only child', i mean she's always telling me shit like she used to hate me, and stuff i need to work on so that i'm not so "abrasive" or "weird" or telling me stories about every time i messed up when i was little and how stupid i looked, which is realy fun because some of those incidents i didn't even realize i was looking stupid! she makes me feel bad. ANYWAY. she also likes to point out and kind of pick on me for my nail biting shit.

but she pointed it out when my mom was in the room. and most people don't say anything about it bc they know im very self conscious about it. but my sister was going on and on about how i needed to get a handle on it and how it looked nasty and then she turned to my mom and she was like right? and my mom, who usually says nothing at all about it! and has never been mean about it like this! went off on a tangent about how my dad bites his nails, his mom bites her nails, and how its a "generalational curse" from his side and how i'll probably do it all my life and chip my teeth and wear down my nails and have all sorts of complications that i'll have to deal with because she can't handle trying to convince me to stop. it was just. i was straight up crying. it was awful.

i guess it was meant to be a wake up call for me. and i guess i get it. its disgusting. and i'm fucked up or whatever. but i can't stop. especially bc of the whole autism and stimming shit. i know it's stupid to get upset because. she's right, i SHOULD stop, it is bad, ect ect, but i can't stop feeling really hurt about it because like-she never even apologized and she just pretends it didn't happened but now i feel even worse about it all and even more anxious, which makes me do it more. :/

Hi Xra,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that you're not alone.

While biting nails may be a destructive behavior depending on how serious it is, the way your family has approached it seems to be exacerbating it. It sounds like your family shames you for doing this, which may be making you do it more, or feel more secretive or shameful about it. But feeling shameful about it or wanting to hide it is not really going to address the situation or make you feel comfortable enough to work towards a healthier substitute.

It sounds like your sister is constantly criticizing you, and not in a constructive way. It doesn't sound like she necessarily wants you to improve or do what she can to foster a supportive environment in which you feel encouraged to work on improving, rather it sounds like she makes snide comments like that she used to hate you and just overall making you feel insecure. Though your sister may be frustrated with your nail biting, there are far more considerate and helpful ways to address it.

While I don't know the exact extent of your nail biting habits, it's worth considering that biting one's nails is actually extremely common, and though some people may see it as gross, it's mainly just seen as a sign of stress. It's essential to have healthier coping mechanisms in place that provide comfort and help you manage stress and anxiety. Exploring alternative stims or finding calming activities can be helpful in redirecting the need for stimming through nail biting.

It's important to remember that changing a long-standing habit takes time and patience. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects, try to approach this with self-compassion and understanding. Know that you deserve support and encouragement in finding healthier ways to manage your stress and emotions.

If you feel comfortable, you may want to discuss your concerns with a therapist who specializes in autism or anxiety. They can provide guidance and strategies specific to your needs. Additionally, seeking out online communities or support groups for individuals with similar experiences might be beneficial. Connecting with others who understand what you're going through can provide a sense of validation and support.

Please know that you are not defined by your nail-biting habit, and it doesn't diminish your worth as a person. Focus on self-care, finding healthy coping mechanisms, and surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive individuals.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mxbitters]

this is gonna get really personal and possibly more of a vent than mcrposting but now that the shows over i can actually think about it and like. god idk i think fake your death was a song that really meant a lot to me at a time when i really needed it.  it was one of the first songs i taught myself on guitar when i started playing and i could tell myself that, that it wasn’t anyone else who did that but it was me.  and so like, ok i went to this arts high school.  idea is they had these different departments, and so like my first year i went in and decided ok.  music department.  so there were these like.. “auditions” but like you were guaranteed to land somewhere y’know?  but i remember clear as yesterday six years ago i was 14 and fucking miserable with no way of understanding why that was, i was probably wearing this teal and black flannel i had and i was also probably wearing a beanie and fucking hated my hair which was still long at the time.  and i remember like shaking while tuning my guitar and i remember saying what i was gonna play to these maybe two teachers, head of the department didnt even bother showing up, and im sitting there in that uncomfortable plastic chair and they start recording and i start playing.  intro, first half of verse, im not singing but im feeling somewhat more comfortable and start to get into some sort of more involved strumming thing and they just cut me off before i could show them that thing i worked so hard and cared so much about.  and i remember how that moment kicked off a miserable year for me, getting burnt out so fast fingers bleeding from this classical fucking guitarist absolutely drilling in this idea that it was bad if i wanted to play anything with a pick.  and i felt gross and i didn’t understand shit and i remember snapping pick after pick in half from the anxiety and the downward spiral that followed.  and i could barely tell you what i actually remember from that year until some point in may when i came out as trans, maybe around the same time that i started the process of leaving the music department.  and i remember having a lot of trouble playing guitar because of the amount of kids who’d shit on me for writing stuff that was emo.  i think i spent those two semesters and maybe the next year too barely listening to mcr at all because i was embarrassed and ashamed from the way people would shut down that drive, that passion.  but then i remember my drive coming back a little.  i remember having this class in my junior year that was like some school of rock shit, i got to play in a band for the first time and not some stupid thing.  we brought in music we liked and wanted to play.  i brought in against me!’s “borne on the fm waves of the heart” and i remember the way it felt being able to like.. do that.  like that feeling of floating on air that i hadn’t felt ever since that time i started opening up playing fake your death for something i’d end up regretting.  i remember playing up on this mini stage thing at this all-day event we used to have called “peacefest.”  i remember playing with a pick and shout-singing like my life depended on it and i remember seeing that former guitar teacher walk by hiding his face, and i don’t know if it was out of shame or disgust but it was cathartic to see it.  that he failed and didn’t break me, even if that was the last thing on his mind.  i still have the converse i had to fill in with black sharpie because it was “too unprofessional” for a fucking high school performance.  i also still have the footstand he let me use for that performance because it was more important that i was uniform than anything else.  and he’s never getting that fucking footstand back.  and i remember that summer i think i finally picked up my own guitar and played fake your death.  a little different, acoustic, keeping my pinkie on that g the majority of the time and letting the song carry me.  it felt like meeting an old friend.  an old friend who waited for me even when things got scary and i didn’t know what to do.  and like.. i dunno.  i never really thought they’d actually get back together and i was starting to truly accept that but then one day everything changed and it was history.  

i think i’ve been at a low point for a bit now, and college has created this mindset where playing music=burden so i’ve been uninspired and sort of restraining myself alongside the depression but like.. man.  maybe it’s time to pick up my guitar again.  i think fake your death is one of those songs that means one thing at one point in your life and another like.. in another.  and i think that was honestly probably the same case for mcr y’know..?  and like.. idk.  maybe while i’m at it i’ll dig through the vaults aka try and find lyrics, poetry, recordings, whatever.  like..  man.  i just keep forgetting how magical music is but tonight was fucking magical and i want to feel that regularly.  i want the sparks to fucking fly i want to scream i want to play i want to let that poor 14 year old with the nerd glasses and the jack skellington beanie play the same 4 chords in varying ways for 3 whole minutes and hold their hand and tell them it’s gonna be ok.  like i think i really need to do that.  anyway ok goodnight

[krunchylegs]

vent :( (tw: 3d)

i feel so gross rn

i ate over 1000 calories and i tried making up for it a little bit by burning off calories (burned 402) but that left only a little over 1000 still, but it gets worse bc idek why i did this but i had some chocolate and even then i went back to the kitchen and ate toast with cream cheese and sliced ham, tomorrow im going to restrict more and try burn more calories by walking (my watch tracks it), on the upside tho tomorrow is a new day and i dont think i went over my limit (1500cals), but even so i try stick around 800cals per day bc its whats easy for me atm (planning to restrict bit by bit but im going easy on myself since ive gotten used to eating whenever i want bc of summer).

i will get over this and i will do better tomorrow, i have to, for myself this is what i need to do. its my choice and i need to stick with that

also the reason i ate so much was bc i made brownies for my family and i ate some, i was meaning not to, im going to bake again soon and my willpower will be stronger next time. i have my safe foods in my room (obvi ones that dont need the fridge) so there will be NO NEED for me to eat anything i bake. i do enjoy baking and guiltily i do enjoy the idea of feeding my family sweet treats while i nibble at my safe food, might take a bite or something so its not weird but i dont want to be the bigger sibling anymore i fucking hate it, i dont want to be the 'normal' sized one when compared to my sister whos skinnier than me. i wanna be the skinny one, idec if thats selfish its just the truth. its so confusing too, she (my sister) says she wants to put on weight, go the the gym and gain muscle or whatever but i just wanna be thin (trying to avoid being skinnyfat obviously :/) but genuinely its so frustrating it feels like ive been stuck in a body that isnt mine, even if im not described as fat im not described as being skinny and it literally upsets me, as childish as it sounds idrc, and this is literally the ONLY way i can even share these thoughts, if anyone knew how i felt theyd think im stupid or weird, probably try tell me i dont need to change how i look, but i NEED to take control, i am sick and tired of being the way i am, i miss having my child body, i miss it so fucking much, i dont know if its because im trans(ftm) or if its because i used to be super skinny as a kid, beautiful legs that i was complimented on and i enjoyed the fact my ribs were visible, but as soon as puberty hit it all went downhill, in locker rooms people would comment that i was skinny and i liked it but that seemed to happen less and less, like have i gotten fat now?? does everyone think im chubby???? maybe im fucking fat and i dont even see it im gonna cry, jesus christ i fucking hate everything.

it makes it so much worse when my sister calls me fat, ik i just said that no one calls me fat but its weird. my sister calls me fat to make me upset, she usually tells me that during arguments, its made me cry so much. like example: i was on holiday recently with my family (dad, mum, sister, me) we were unloading our stuff from the car and my dad told me to put away the food and during the drive my sister and i were arguing the whole time, and when my sister saw me sorting out the food she said "of course youre at the food, fucking fatass" and i literally had to point out to my parents that she was making fun of me literally in front of them, like yeah my mum was all like "dont say that" to her but that doesnt fucking do anything, and my sister just kept going, and my dad had to step in and tell her to stfu and said that if anything i was underweight, but it felt like such a fat lie, especially when my sister IS skinnier than me, it really drives me crazy but at the same time its almost motivating, like i just wanna be sick, i wanna be sickly thin and gross to look at, i miss how i felt when i was skinny, when my legs were so skinny, i miss the compliments i got on my skinny body, for a while i believed i could never get that back but now ik its possible to be skinny again i just need to keep it up, ik i can be super skinny again and i WILL BE, i HAVE to be, theres no other option for me i need it more than anything, i dont care about anything else atm i just want to be thin

[toastsnaffler]

maaan i was having breakfast w my flatmate this morning and she'd already done all her jobhunting stuff for the day extra early so she can play videogames and im rly glad shes able to motivate herself like that but also seeing the steam popup notifying me shes playing smth makes me feel like the kid who didnt finish the work and has to stay in the classroom during break watching their friends play outside

[importantcherryblossommentality]

i kno this is a little stupid of me yes i'm venting about my stupid problems again instead of doing anything about them i don't have the energy 2 do anything else so

"-desperately praying for some kind of miracle! no one listens, i'm all alone"

i feel as if i always have to be sure of everything, and give everyone as many chances as they need for me to come to a conclusion...because i can't bear being the bad guy. why should i have such a strong moral compass when nobody else could care less? why do i consider them so much against my will

my irls made me feel SO HORRIBLE i mean i can't put it into words which must mean it's irrelevant and invalid and i can't talk to any1 about it so i'm guilty. BUT EVERYONE KEEPS ACTING LIKE NOTHING IS HAPPENING and i can't go against that i can't i can't. they're gonna act oh so happy to see me and everyone's gonna be happy and i need to be happy too so i will be. and i will not be myself

theyre all so LOUD and they don't shut up and they make me shake and i don't want those group projects again and i don't want to be babied or alone i don't want them to make fun of my voice i don't wanna see my st/lker or any of her friends that were watchung me or that stupid kid who ghosted me . i don't want to put up a front against my will i don't want to be watched or betrayed agwin

id do virtual school but i need the safety from my family. but i know i can't rely on anyone there in my time of need they always find a way to make it SO MUCH WORSE i just hate all of u hjhsjs

its not my fault i liv eso. pointlessly by ur standards i'm just trying to survive and u all make it so hard i hage feeling like i am wasting potential i can't control this its all too much i wanna scratch my skin off i hate all of you soooosoosososo much i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you you treat me unfairly i hate all of you

im not. really in the mood for any of my usual escapism 2nite

[emptyfeelingsposts]

⚠️vent blog post because i use this as a diary sometimes⚠️

and ofc i managed to ruin my last day here. my parents and i decided that we wanted to go to an artisan and vintage fair before i leave for the summer. i just wanted to do my hair nice but i couldn’t do it myself so i asked for help and my mom said she would but she just kept sitting on the couch scrolling on her phone. basically ignoring me. i’m in the bathroom for prolly like 10-15 minutes trying to do it myself and i just give up but im trying to take it back out of my hair and my hair is literally being pulled out because idc at this point im upset and annoyed and overwhelmed. and i just come out of the bathroom and say lets go. trying to not make a thing about it. and ofc they start being like what’s wrong what’s wrong. and i just said i was waiting to get help with my hair and no one came to help me so i tried to do it myself and i couldn’t so i literally ripped my hair out just to get what i had tried to do to my hair. and they were like we were waiting for you and blah blah blah. i just say idc let’s just go. so i go to put one of my bags in the truck we are taking later and then i sit outside. and obviously they were talking about me before they decided to come outside too. they pull the car out and and i get in. and then a whole little argument starts because my dad just can’t keep him mouth shut. and he starts being like i hate how im the only one who actually speaks here and i don’t want to sit in the middle of you two. and so he says he’s staying and gets out of the car. obviously my mom and i aren’t gonna go do something rn not with me upset with her and dad upset with both of us. so i say let’s just stay. and we pull back in but my dad starts shooing us away like a child. so i get out am im like we aren’t going anywhere without you. and he was like well im not going and sitting with two people who are mad but won’t talk so im like fine i wont go then. and then he went how bout you dont go to mass. so then i say fine ill find another ride but im not staying here this summer ill kms. something i haven’t said out loud to then in like 7 years. so i try to run in the house cause im crying at this point but the fucking door is locked so i literally just collapsed in front of the door. i just couldn’t do it. i’m just sitting there sobbing and my dads still basically yelling at me and my inability to talk or not blow up and all i can say is im sorry over and over in between sobs. and then i continue sitting there sobbing for like 20 minutes because all i can think about is how fucked i am. i seriously can’t do anything right. i ruin everything. he’s right. i can’t talk about anything. ever. even then. my mom kept saying what’s wrong? what are you thinking about? and i just kept shaking my head. cause even though im having a break down i can’t tell them what’s going on in my head. they wouldn’t let me leave. they would lock me up. because all i think about is the most vile things about myself. everything ive ever heard and thought of. how i’m worthless and stupid and a burden and disgusting and how i ruin absolutely everything and how im going to ruin my friends summer too. but also thinking about how if i stay stuck here with my thoughts all summer i won’t make it. i need something this summer to take my mind off of everything. but idk… what if i can’t. or what if i get worse. what if i come back worse than ever and then all my friend and family have to remember me is the worst version of myself. cause that’s what i am rn. i mean i bet i could be worse and then that me will be the worst me. but maybe this is the only me i can be. maybe im just bound to get worse and worse until i finally give up. i’m so close to giving up